#id say i hope she cant go to the fair but i want to be in my room at least once this summer
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oh wow just saw flatmate messaged saying another friend passed smth on like oh okay. I didn't realise he went too u didn't say. in fact none of u said anything to me so that's great
#he lives hours away thats a lot of travel just for drinks#when she asked me she said it was her + one other person. going out for drinks in evening.#but clearly she took the day off work bc ghosts dont do laundry. so it was a whole day trip. so why tell me it was just drinks#unless she just wanted a good excuse for me not to come. okay 👍#i cant even make myself mad abt it like fair enough man. i get it.#and if last weekend is anything to go off she probably wont ask me at all in the future#well as long as they have fun it doesnt matter i guess. im tired of feeling like im just intruding in everyones lives#and everyone fucking lying like what u say doesnt line up with how u act i can tell its not real im not that fucking stupid#ive dealt with this so many times before average autistic experience im tired of naively believing ppl and then the rug being pulled#sorry for being the way i am and for wanting things and for trying to take up space i give up its not worth it anyway#at least this is giving me smth to feel shit abt instead of just formless malaise. makes it easier to deal with that way#anyway. just need to get my shit enough together to leave the house by 3 so i can pick up this stuff for work#and i can do most of my other chores tmr so thats fine#i hate how much fucking time i waste feeling awful. no wonder other ppl have time to watch n read n create n whatever so much more than me#half of my fucking life is spent in my head trying and failing to emotionally regulate im so so sick of it#i wish i never had to think a single thought again and maybe id be happy#jesus fucking christ. well i need to leave my room soon bc i need to pee im not depressed enough to piss in a bucket just yet#hope i never get to that stage again amen uni was pretty fucking dire#.vent#hate weekends so fucking much what a waste of free time
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i wish that i were allowed to ask my sidter to get off the phone wothout suddenly being the worst person on earth
#i just want to sleep. my sleep schedule is dog shit and i wsnt it fixed.#we share a god damn room#i get that its summer and her and her boyfriend are free or whatever#but i spen g. the entire year. covering for her.#when she skipped classes i would come up with the excuses for her.#when she missed assignments id get our parents off her back#when she ignored being grounded and did everything but what she was supposed to i made sure she didnt het in troublr.#and i have let her stay up till six in tbe fucking mornign every day in our room. from eafly in the morning to esrliedr in the morning on th#on the fucking phone. withher boyfriend#and when i want to sleep.#in my bed#instead of the couch.#for once#im all of a sudden so awful and pushy and i treat her horribly#and ive suddenly never done anything for her#id say i hope she cant go to the fair but i want to be in my room at least once this summer#i helped her study for her art history shit the day after surgery#vent
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Splooge idk what to do so I have a genuine fear of commitment and I wanted to break up with this person because I’ve fallen out of love with them because they are a good person and all but I don’t love them as a partner anymore but then their dad passed away and I’m genuinely freaking out because idk what to do bc I can’t break up with her and she constantly wants like kisses and sex and I don’t want it anymore and she already went ahead once after I said stop and I’m just scared now and she said if I break up with her she’ll kill herself and she blamed me for trying to commit like idk what to do anymore
alright, take everything I say with a grain of salt because im no relationship or life expert
as for the deceased parent, be there for them as much as you can, but not at the expense of putting yourself through all this trouble. You should always take everyone seriously when they say they commit, but don’t stay with them just because they say theyre going to if you dont do etc etc. thats unhealthy and manipulative and you shouldn’t have to carry that burden.
i would honestly ask a mental health professional how to move forward, if i were you id end things but who knows im not in your situation and therefore cant fully understand what this circumstance is like nor am i the best descion maker. Its really important that you stay calm and try to build distance from this person.
That person your in a relationship with is going through a hard time, fair, but forcing you to do stuff without your consent? sounds like rape unless i misread or misunderstood something, which is not okay under ANY circumstances.
im sorry your going through this, this is a really stressful and tricky situation. i hope everything works out hun
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hiya cas! i hope youre well 😊
so, i have some medical issues (nothing serious!! probably - im still waiting for a proper diagnosis but ive had a few appointments and tests etc and have been assured its nothing to be concerned about) and so i obviously have to go to hospital appointments sometimes for the aforementioned tests and discussions. it was scary at first (i hadnt been in a hospital since the day i was born up until this point, and i was 18 when i had my first of these appointments) but its easier now, but im still a little stressed
im not technically estranged from my family - i still live at home with both parents, and we're on decent enough terms - but we dont really have any sort of important conversations. or any personal conversations either. so i guess we're just not really close? idk. anyway, this has meant i have absolutely no idea what any of my family medical history is. i had to find out through my older sister that my father was diagnosed with diabetes four years ago (and she only found out because she worked at the pharmacy where he got his stuff from), and my eldest brother was the one who told me my grandparents' causes of death (they died before my birth and my parents never mention them), but they dont know any more than that either
this hasnt been an issue for me before, because obviously ive never needed to know. ive never been asked about it, but now that my own health isnt right, i kinda need to know. in my first appointment i got asked about it, but i told the doctor i didnt know and would ask at home
i did ask, to be fair. i spoke to my mother and explained why i needed to know but she just kind of... brushed it off? idk if thats the right way to phrase it. she said there was some vague thing about heart issues but she didnt say anything specifically, or which side of the family it came from, or anything all thay helpful at all
its so frustrating because im not the first of their kids to need this information. my sister has medical problems too (different issues than mine though) and our parents were no help with her either
i spoke to a friend about it last autumn when i first went to hospital and he looked at me so oddly, it made me feel so broken, i guess. apparently discussing medical history isnt a taboo subject in most households, because he knew all of his and he's never been to hospital for anything. but the way he looked at me like i was weird or something for not knowing was awful. again, it made me feel genuinely broken and damaged. it was kind of one of those moments where you realise 'oh, my family isnt normal' and it sucked, because i thought id had that realisation years ago
its happened with some other stuff too (i.e. telling parents about a relationship, friends, interests, spending time with family etc) and it just... it really sucks. i dont know what else there is to say than that ig lol
i was going somewhere with this ask, but ive kinda gotten off track and now i cant remember, soooo.... have a good day! thanks for reading my ramble 🥰
Hi hon!
I’m so sorry, whose moments of realization suck, truly. Please know that you did nothing wrong <3
Because this is a health thing, I do have some advice for you (ignore me if you want!) There are forms on the internet that have questions about family history. Print one out and just give it to your mom and dad. Don’t give them room to question it. Say your doctor needs it, and you need them to fill it out.
I wonder, though, if your parents don’t share their history with you, they might not know their parents history. A lot of times, these kinds of things that happen in families are passed down.
But yeah. Just give them a form and make it a health thing. You deserve that info.
Again, please know that you are NOT broken, and it has nothing to do with you <3
(naming you medical anon)
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Neglected PT. 1
George Weasley X Reader
PT.2 PT.3(+18)
George gets busy and you fight.
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To say the shop was busy was an understatement for the passed two months George has rarely been home, you packed the rest of the food in the bag as you apparated to the office “hey love, i brought you dinner” you smiled at him as he mulled over the paperwork “i was thinking.. we could go out to the movies tomorrow night theres the new Marvel movie that came out, and then hit the muggle arcade. Or Theres a fair in town and i sorta wanted to go with you” you said with some hope in your eyes it was your 25th birthday tomorrow and you wanted to celebrate with your boyfriend by going out on a date “i dont think i can love, i have to get these done by Friday or we’ll be penalized” he said not looking up from his form “but….” You started “love i cant im up to my neck in paperwork” he sighed annoyance in his voice “its my…” “Y/N I SAID NO! IM BUSY JUST GO HOME!” He yelled tears filled your eyes “fine… i’ll just see you at home then. I love you” you sniffled out “love.. wait” he breathed out “Do you even remember what tomorrow is Weasley?” You asked him tears leaking down from your eyes he looked taken aback by you calling him by his last name he shook his head “im sorry love its just the shops been kicking my arse. With Fred on paternity leave its me doing the work of three” “whatever George.” You muttered under your breath “we’ll talk about it when i get home” he said annoyance still in his voice “And when will that be George next month? Or will i see you three months down the line. Do I have to make an appointment for you to come home?” You snapped at him “you havent been home in three weeks” you looked down wiping the tears from your eyes “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO DO Y/N ITS MY MONEY THAT TAKES CARE OF US NOT YOURS YOU WANT US TO LOSE EVERYTHING WE HAVE AND ARE WORKING SO HARD FOR!” “NO I WANTED YOU TO MAKE TIME FOR ME ON MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!” You screamed at him finally crying harder his eyes widened as he looked at the calendar on his desk “its the day before my birthday George” “love i…” he started “I WASNT ASKING FOR A FULL DAY GEORGE I WAS ASKING FOR ONE FUCKING EVENING ONE DATE! NEVER FUCKING MIND THANK YOU FOR SO GRACIOUSLY TELLING ME THAT I DONT MATTER TO YOU!” She yelled “WHAT ARE YOU EVEN ON ABOUT! OF COURSE YOU FUCKING MATTER TO ME Y/N!” “YOU SURE HAVE A FUNNY WAY OF SHOWING IT! GOD GEORGE HOW CAN YOU BE SO… SO…” you threw your hands up in frustration “so what Y/n” his voice low warning you to let it go but also challenging you to keep going “so clueless to everyone elses feelings but your own cant you see youre hurting me? Cant you see how much youre ignoring me for what?” Your voice breaks “we’ve been together for almost six years and not once have you forgotten our anniversary… my birthday… you made time for me for every small win I had you celebrated it with me. I took care of you. I took care of you before we even got together LETTING you and Fred get away as a prefect. Turning my head as head girl! I let you test your products on me you turned me completely blue! I never complained because i saw your brilliance and your potential from first year. I helped you not Fred with your potions and working out the bugs because i knew you and him would be big one day and now that you have your success? Your empire? You just forget about me. You know George. i never doubted it, I wasnt one who said you couldnt do it. I supported you. i cooked for you i cleaned for you through your over nighters. I took care of the scars Umbridge gave you. I…. i picked up the physical therapy duties helping you walk again after the war. I SAT UP WITH YOU THROUGH THE NIGHTMARES! I healed Fred while taking a wall to my back for him and after graduation I put my life on hold so you cold shine with your shop. Yes you make more money than i do. But if i had started when i was supposed to id be pulling in just as much as you are but I took that gap year for you to start this” she threw her hand up in frustration as he stared at her nostrils flaring
“but you have always been more important to me George. I LOVED YOU BEFORE YOU HAD MONEY! I LOVED YOU THROUGH HAVING MONEY! I CAN LOVE YOU WITHOUT HAVING MONEY BUT YOURE TOO DAFT TO SEE THAT!” You sobbed furiously wiping the tears from your eys swiping your thumb under your nose his eyes softened as you scolded him “Youre still the most important thing to me so much so that im still loving you even if you…. You dont even…. Realize…. Or notice me” You paused looking up to his eyes filling with angry tears and frustration “but as soon as Fred takes a step forward in life you decide to what? Punish me as if i did something wrong?” Your voice cracked “when was the last time you held me. You even remember that? Did I tell you my grandmother died? And that I need you?” His eyes widened he stepped forward “darling i” “NO DONT CALL ME THAT DONT MAKE ME OUT TO BE THE BAD GUY. YOU DONT GET TO GASLIGHT ME INTO BELIEVING YOULL MAKE TIME FOR US AND THEN YOU DONT! JUST. WHAT EVER GEORGE!” You yell he stops walking tward you “YOU FUCKED UP AND YOU DONT GET TO MAKE THIS RIGHT WITH EMPTY PROMISES AGAIN! TAKE SOME DAMN ACCOUNTABILITY FOR ONCE! Youve already promised it George ‘i promise i will make more time for you darling i just have to get through this month’ that was four months ago.” “So youre giving me an ultimatum?!” He yells “no George. Im giving you space to figure out what you actually want in life because the way its been going its sure as hell not me. I cant do this anymore.” “what are you saying Y/n” he huffed “im saying to Look at me and honestly tell me that youre not seeing someone else” you wiped the tears off your face “Y/n… are you saying you think id cheat on you?” He asked ludicrously “Baby… thats… thats not” “what am i supposed to think! Youre never home anymore George! I know. I know the shop comes first. But i… if you wanted to break up with me all you had to do was say so” “youre jumping to conclusions y/n! Youre putting words in my mouth! And assuming things that arent true!” he rolled his eyes “am i? Am i really? When was the last time you came home. When was the last time you kissed me because i cant remember. When was the last time that you told me you loved me? The last time you wanted to even touch me?” He looked down lost in thought “thank you. For your time. But seeing as youre busy and dead set in making me feel worse, unwanted, and worthless. Im going home. I hope you enjoy your dinner. Its your favorite i just made it because i missed you. I hope you dont mind.” he looks at you he reaches for your wrist “we’ll talk when you get home yeah George i know!” You yelled ripping your arm out of his grasp “see you in three fucking months!” You yelled as you grabbed your wand flashing out
he felt guilt for snapping at you he wanted to chase after you but he didnt he just rubbed over his face in frustration. You understood. You did but it still hurt. disapperating back to your flat you called Hermione sobbing a few minutes later he Flooed back into the flat needed to make sure you were okay. Your loud sobbing could be heard from the living room as he stepped out “i didnt mean to bother him.. i just wanted to be with him at some point tomorrow was that so bad of me? Is it so bad that i want to see him at least once every thirty eight hours or To request his attention?” She spoke into her phone “all i wanted for my birthday this year was for my boyfriend to spend some time with me. I dont want presents or a party at all. No lavish gifts just spoil me with attention love and kisses. All I wanted was was his time and attention like before thats enough i didnt mean to piss him off Mione…” she sniffled “hes never yelled at me like that before we’ve never fought like that at all! We yelled at eachother and i hated it. Its just like my aunt and uncle Dursley it brought me back to privet drive. this is exactly what i didnt want! i mean yeah. We’ve fought but hes never yelled. I froze… and yelled back he didnt even tell me i love you too. He just stared blankly at me and said ‘we’ll talk when i get home’ like hes home every night he hasnt been in our bed for two months he comes home to shower thats it! Im lucky if i see him before he pops back off!” she started to cry harder hurt hit him as he listened through the door “do you think theirs another woman?” You sniffle “maybe he’s found someone who’s worth the effort and its not me” you sobbed “when i asked he dismissed it like i offended him and he got so defensive about it it makes me think that he’s gone back to Angie” he was about to open the door “But its fine. Im fine. Its just another day anyway. I’ll just watch movies alone. Again i called off of work i dont think i can work like this” she sobbed into the phone “i mean i know my department in the ministry doesnt pay well i know but i love it it makes me feel like im actually making a difference i dont want him to fall behind because he takes care of me so i can do what i love but three hours tops. Thats all i asked i asked for three hours three hours of his undivided attention” she sniffled “no no. You and Harry dont have to come over, im sorry i ruined your date and dropping everything to listen to me rant. its fine im not up for company anyway. I just wanted him. Hes all ive ever wanted and dreamed about.” You sniffled as his grip loosened on the guest bedroom door “its just that for once i wish i was a priority, im fine with being an option… i know he works hard, and he’s stressed and things are hard right now one day. One day him to myself i havent asked for anything in months i pick up the slack at home. He leaves the house in shambles and i cook and clean when i get off tuck him in when he faceplants on the bed exhausted Mione he hasnt touched me since the baby was born and Fred went on Paternity leave he hardly even looks at me when hes home i feel so useless its like im invisible” she sighs out “i know he’s busy Mione but its been almost seven months since hes touched me or even looked at me! And when i try to talk t’im he gets snippy! Its like he doesnt remember me. Like im so insignificant that its easy to forget. Maybe I should just leave…. Maybe its over between us and he just hasnt found the right words to tell me that he’s fallen in love with another girl and hes.. hes just stuck with me. Ive moved into the guest bedroom im giving him space to figure out what he wants because i cant do this i really cant i dont know if im just being insecure or if i actually do have something to be worried about. i dont even think he’d notice if i just. Moved out completely” you let out sob after sob
“it would make it a little better if i knew where we stood if he still wants me the way he did when he promised me kids and a wedding, im just still his annoying clingy girlfriend that he just kicked out of his offic e!” ‘You can come stay with Harry and i for a while if you want too’ George heard Mione’s voice on the other end of the line “i cant. I cant leave him, hes still my one and i… I love him… i just needed to rant its not all bad, hes sweet and kind i just have to get through this paternity leave and hopefully things will be better” you sniffled “i just miss the man i fell in love with i havent seen him in a while” your voice broke “do you want Harry to talk to George? I can…” “No Mione it’ll only make it worse” you cried “i need to get to bed. Call you in the morning?” Your voice cracked “are you sure you dont want me to come over “im sure Mia” “if you dont call me by 11. In coming over. To check on you we’ll eat icecream and cry together.” after your phone call you laid on the bed sobbing with your knees to your chest
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Emi Plays Revue Starlight: El Dorado Part 4
what's the point of having carmencita be a role that shows their face/has diff outfits if she shows up like once to do nothing and then dies
meanwhile the bit roles who show up quite a bit all look like this
i was hoping they'd at least put whoever's playin them eyes on there
wow alejandro sure caught up to salvatore fast for being at least a half day behind
iskjdfhks its very funny that salvatore first hires zulfikar to help kill alejandros dad and then alejandro goes n hires zulfikar like 12hours later to kill miguel
mm and the play ends. at least this isn't super long so going back thru it won't take too long
and it does promise different script depending on who is who so. yay gon have to find all the new songs on spotify i got star darling and one other one but there's more in the bg. oops i did not mean to close it. anyway. 2nd go around time
i know i dont NEED to start from the very beginning i did save at the choosing screen but i will anyway
mostly BC I WANTED TO GET THE AXOLOTL THIS TIME. WHATS ITS NAME
AND BC i didnt get the full list of what chief voted for whom last time
equipment karen, art futaba, lighting nana, props maya, music mahiru, stage setting kaoruko, production claudine, costume junna
I CAN PICK MAHIRU NOW-
tho now i kinda wanna save her for last...esp now that i know its not really terribly all that long. i'll save her for last yeah bc i will Not shut up during it
not quite as dramatic a reaction of frustration for kaoruko n maya as it was for junna and karen lmao
lesse....junna and karen as leads had nana miguel, mahiru isabel, futaba carmencita, kaoruko cavallero, maya columbuc, and claudine luigi
for kaoruko maya leads, we get futaba miguel, claudine isabel, junna carmencita (based off who's left) karen luigi, mahiru columbus, and nana cavallero
kaoruko WHY are u sighing so much that u got the leads kjfhkjshdf
oh ok they got asked to say a few words as leads and now kaoruko busts out the ojou-sama laugh. there she is
snort
i don't believe you
maya: i refuse to be as cringe as you
i am curious, what on earth does kaoruko have to revenge against maya
and claudine v futaba idk that either. mahiru v nana i do lol.
well i guess that's right
yeah ok
KJSHFDKJHSDF THIS IS SUCH AN OLD REF.....ALSO WASNT IT ONE WHOLE LOLLIPOP MAYA THAT WAS LEFT IN THERE
oh she's pissed BC there was only ONE LOLLIPOP AKJHKFJSHDF WHEEZING
I dont even remember exactly WHY kaoruko gave her candy like i know it was the episode futaba n kaoruko were fighting but i cant remember what maya did in that ep
maya is so serious about the funniest things
so DRAMATIC and it IS funny maya. also girl just don't eat baumkuchen everyday you'll be fine
kaoruko + maya: u bitches gay. good for you
oh a SPECIFIC beach for kaoruko
it's actually a different beach background color me surprised. tho it might just be the same beach but flipped later on i'm not positive
girl ur the onee who wanted to come out here
kaoruko we all know u nap on futaba's bike what are u talking about
lmaoooo maya knew futaba was gon leave the bike with kaoruko that's hilarious. national troupe trio secrets ftw
maya: get a bike license get a license kaoruko: i think NOT maya it's very funny u are trying so hard to get kaoruko to ride the bike but she MAY wreck it
sjkfh the last one is funny bc im just remembering her being put in the 'knock them down a peg' class in whatever stageplay for the new national
maya's alejandro sounds like a 12yo shounen protag lol
skjdfh eroge ok masai id u say so
skjfhkjshkjfhskjdfh innocuous. u are Very Wrong judy
karen thats not the point-
tru kaoruko and hikari have that in common
tho at least kaoruko's easier to get back
sfkjhsdf at least karen n junna bother to let ppl know they're off somewhere. kaoruko n maya just disappear
fair nuff kaoruko
fkjsdhKJHKFJH
SNORT NOW SHES THE ONE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE DISTANCEkjshdfjh demanding kaoruko get a bike license
'and if you don't, i will!'
kaoruko just going WHY skjfhiuhsdf i mean. it is a silly demand just bc kaoruko poofed. i mean u DID find her maya
honestly actual logic from kaoruko
jdkfhksjfdh maya: u aint SHIT compared to judy knightly
i wish there were actual lil stabby arrow animations like the sounds imply it'd be funnier
oh i hit the image limit i guess that's it for this one. off to the next post then
<<part 3 part 5>>
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started binging criminal minds, i was gutted when elle left & now watching the next couple of s2 episodes i really felt her absence. especially in 'the last word' when a women has to pretend to be dead so they can catch one of the serial killers (they so needed to have a frank convo about making elle relieve her trauma + this couldve been a great intro to that). i read your post, i agree it did make sense why elle left considering her background as a sexual offence specialist & what she says to reid but i found the writing lacking. her exit felt rushed + not final bc she only really shared scenes with hotch. also she also seems the type to not wanna give up the bau bc that would mean the fisher king wins + is a determined person so it would've been better to see her slow realisation she cant do the job she desperately wanted in s1. also the fact her relationships with the rest of the team + their reactions weren't fully explored is annoying since she was quite friendly with everyone particularly close to morgan, reid even gideon. especially since gideon inadvertently caused her get shot as he didnt want to follow the rules then said elle would understand?? so a confrontation w gideon similar to the one w hotchner wouldve been nice. i miss morgan's fun bantery friendship with elle in the later eps when she wasn't there to partner up with him (idk they seemed to be a go to partnership to me) & the elle/morgan/reid trio is sorely missed. ive largely enjoyed everything so far (just finished 2x09) but i wish they'd more deeply explore the characters' history. like the inclusion of reids mom was interesting & really liked how garcia respected reids privacy to keep her illness a secret. it was a missed opportunity i felt not to see elle & morgan not bonding over losing their cop dads or hotch and gideon talking about fatherhood when hotch is missing out on his babys key milestones (ik there was that bit in s1 when hotch tells gideon to get in touch w his son but more of those moments wouldve been nice). whilst i feel the team all like each other and there's some interesting/fun friendships (reid&gideon , garcia&morgan etc) id be nice to have some downtime scenes showcasing them as a makeshift found family (sorry i love that trope & c'mon they spend more time with each other than with their acc families). anyway sorry for the long rant this show is eating at my brain lord my brain mass will be equivalent to a pea by the time i finish this show. <3
thats fair and i get what you mean! there are definitely moments when i felt elle's absence and there are definitely things about her leaving that i would change if i had the power—i absolutely agree that the reactions from the rest of the team to her leaving and the actions leading up to it were sorely lacking, and a slower realisation that she cant do the job anymore would have been very cool to see, although i think the latter was less due to writing problems and more to the fact that elle left the show because lola glaudini chose to leave (ie they couldn't write a fully fleshed out leaving arc for elle because it was driven by out-of-show events and therefore not planned/they had limited time to execute it). the lack of reaction from the team is a writing problem though, so again i very much agree with that!
i hope you enjoy the rest of the show and get some of your wishes, and if you dont, you can find some good fics to fulfill them <3
#dont worry about long rants#thats My Shit. send me your thoughts Anyone i love to see them. agree with me disagree somewhere in the middle. ill eat your thoughts w/e#i also particularly miss elle and morgan for the same reason as you#especially because (SPOILERS ANON FOR 2X12/MORGAN BACKSTORY IF YOU HAVENT ALREADY HAD THAT SPOILED !!!)#not only did they both lose their fathers (who were in law enforcement)#but morgan was canonically sexually abused and there are some things in early episodes that imply a similar backstory was also intended for#elle and then dropped#not fic#criminal minds#asks#elle greenaway
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i've seen a lot of people saying they'd want cbmthy reader to end up in spring but i don't see it. reader only seems to have a bad relationship with az (and even that is not a harmful relationship per se, as much of an asshole as he's being i think he would protect her like he protects the rest of the ic and the night court) so going to spring makes no sense since 1. tamlin hurt her sister and 2. said sister damn near destroyed his court (actually kind of hate that she did that that way too but) and reader ending up there but still being on good terms with the night court just doesn't really make sense to me. also tamlin acts like a republican, he gave me the ick beyond repair, i know some people want a redemption (and i accept that) but id rather not have to read about him.
my personal feelings aside i think if reader really doesn't end up with azriel (which i think wouldn't make sense because then all the hurt would be for nothing) the best bets for her to move would be autumn with eris but only if eris is already high lord because subjecting her to beron would suck, the day court since helion is the closest to the night court and they trust him also she would love the libraries or she could replace lucien with vassa and jurian (or join him if he doesnt end up with elain or in the day court), the winter court maybe but only for the fact that it's tje other court that seems closer to the night court mostly because of vivianne. or my favorite which is just staying home lol her family is in the night court so even if her and az dont end up together she deserves to be able to stay there with her family as much as him. azriel loved mor for 500 years and knew she didnt love him back but they both still managed to act civil and be friends. even if az hurt reader more i hope it wouldn't be to the point of them not being able to be civil so they could just stay, and they live forever so she'd get over her feelings eventually and find someone new. moving a character away when something bad or a breakup happen is something i always disliked so maybe that's why im giving it so much thought but it really always feels off because what do u mean you can't both keep your family/friends? if nothing truly bad happens why does one character always have to leave? idk
before i finish i just wanna say im not trying to be mean or speak over anyone that has said they'd like her to be in spring. i just wanted to add my opinion but i know over writing like this we cant really convey much emotion so i dont want to sound mean or anything
First of all, I didn’t think you were being mean at all, but thank you for adding that clarification anyway :)
Secondly, to be fair, for me it’s not so much as where she goes rather that she simply needs some time elsewhere. Nothing permanent, but a shift in scene because she’s caught in stale waters and if nothing changes she won’t ever learn to step forward and progress. Also, while the idea of her going to the Spring Court is—I think—very fun, and would be like throwing a spanner in the works, I feel there are only really two places she could go that would make sense to the story, and neither of those are the Spring Court (as interesting as it could be)
Also, I am fully down for a Tam redemption arc 😭🤌
I don’t want to say who she’ll end up with because I think part of the fun is contained within not knowing? She might get with Bas for a bit but then move to the Autumn Court, might become happy by herself and content on her own, might get with Az only for a mating bond to pop up between her and Eris. Who knows? 👀
(I enjoy messing with you)
It might be fun for her and Helion to get in touch, even if it’s just her requesting a scroll or book from one of his libraries, but no promises about that 😭
And thank you for sending this in, it really helps guide me with future parts—helping me know what to emphasise or what I should try to expand upon if it’s been skated over in a previous chapter :) 🧡💛
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hiiiii im having my 18th birthdaysoon! 20th of next month! im a little unnerved tbh. but anyways i was wondering if u had any like. anything with that kind of theme. it doesnt have to be literal or even a direct metaphor just. whatever movies you can think of that deal with sort of like. the last step of coming of age. adulthood. aging. anything that remotely parallels that. preferably w no SA. if you got nothing for that maybe a few horror movies that you really like that i can watch on my Special Day im really feeling like just binging horror movies all day recently. youre like the horror movie expert that i follow lol so id be happy to check out your suggestions
omg exciting…..turning 18 felt weird yes but i hope its a good birthday and a good age for you!! i’ll try to think of some good horror recs for the occasion lets see!
- raw 2016, one of my very favorite horror movies and definitely one of my favorite coming of age horror films! its a cannibalism flick with a great score and themes on sisterhood and family and fate and becoming the adult you are, whether you want to or not. kind of intense and gross but its really good. oh its also french sorry but its worth it
- pyewacket 2017, about a girl with a tense relationship with her mother who dabbles with some occult stuff that she shouldnt and has to try to handle whether she really woke something up with it, or if its in her head. a lot about growing up + mother child relationships, i think this is an underrated gem
- we’re all going to the worlds fair 2021, its a bit younger than 18 but its a gorgeous and strange reflection on coming of age that i think will resonate a lot especially for people who grew up online and/or are queer/trans. it’s a very odd and stylistic piece so its a bit hit or miss for people but i like it a lot. the MC is younger than you but i think its a really striking story! its kind of moody and left me a little sad (its not a tragedy tho) so maybe not a happy birthday film
- carrie 1976, obviously this is a classic coming of age film if you havent seen it i cant recommend it enough! its just really good. score is great, acting is great, visually its stunning and colorful and awesome. a classic for a reason
- excision 2012, this one is again very weird and also heavy on psychosexual themes but theres not any assault that i remember. does the dog die says there may be one kiss that is unwanted but it doesnt stand out in my mind fwiw. this is a visually bizarre movie about trying to be who you want to be, who you think you ought to be, and who your family wants you to be. very much coming of age, very very weird
- hatching 2022, again this one is about a character younger than 18 but i think the practical effects work is stunning and the themes about growing up, family, expectations, and loneliness are applicable even though the mc is young. its really gross visually and i love that!
wow these have all been girls uh theres a lot of weirdgirl horror about coming of age i guess. those are also all pretty serious, emotionally heavy films too so lemme think of some more that are a little different
- the lost boys 1987, this is a lot lighter than some of the others! its a very fun california coast set vampire coming of age movie, very 80s, very homoerotic
- the final girls 2015, its a meta horror comedy about getting sucked into a friday the 13th esque slasher film starting the protags recently deceased mom. again, lots of mother child relationship work, surprisingly touching story about growing up and grief and handling that
i’ll also rapidfire toss some out that are related to birthdays, if thats more your speed on this: child’s play 1988 (andy barclay gets chucky for his 6th birthday, kind of self explanatory i assume you know who chucky is), happy death day 2017 (a girl gets stuck reliving her birthday over and over and dying each time, she has to figure out who’s killing her and handle some nice coming of age/family themes, its a horror comedy), bloody birthday 1981 (very very cusp of 70s 80s horror about three evil kids with the same birthday who are evil due to the planet’s alignment at the time, they like to kill people, it is what it is. no sexual assault iirc but they do peep on a girl changing), madhouse 1981 (a woman is chased down by her insane twin in the days leading up to their birthday, this one is kind of mid but the ending is pretty strong and iconic to me)….that might be it off the top of my head :-)
hopefully some of those sound fun to you!! if not come back and i can rec some more, theres heaps of coming of age horror out there these are just some that came to mind
#yayyy giving recs happy to be considered your resident expert :D#asks#captaiinobvious#kora.txt#long post
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arc v 51-65 thoughts! JACK IS HERE FINALLY!!!! also crow. also, prison arc. they sent 14 year olds to actual adult prison! the gang learned about classism, corruption in the system and that you cant Beat Cops with Smiles, but with your Fists :)
-ok. in the back end of the reiji v yuya duel yuya seems surprised to hear yuzu is okay, just taken. and im like. OH IS THAT WHY HES SO UPSET?? HE THOUGHT SHE WAS /DEAD/??? I mean. you know what thats fair. being turned into a piece of paper/cardboard(?) cards. would usually mean death I guess and he did think thats what happened to her. I still think its silly for him to be so pissed at reiji who by all accounts is the nicest ygo rich guy in the entire serieses history imo. but reiji did withhold some info to test yuya a lil bit. but yknow. still.
-…reiji's mom…TOLD the WORLD about the war/invaders AND THEY CANCELED. THE. TOURNAMENT. THEY CANCELED IT AND PRIORITIZED THE WORLDS SAFETY. we ARENT getting a FULL TOURNAMENT ARC??? IN YUGIOH??? i am shocked. no way… (I know I said itd be really funny if a protag didnt win the tournament, but they CANCELED IT which is somehow even funnier to me) I cannot say I expected this at all but im not MAD abt it
-see the next ep when yuya v his mom we learn his mom was a former GIRL GANG BOSS??? WHERE HAS /THAT/ ENERGY BEEN THIS WHOLE SERIES??? instead of being a creep towards kids she couldve been characterized like this! the story abt her and yuyas dad is pretty cute but if /i/ i had a hot mob boss wife i wouldnt be telling her to solve everything with smiles not violence :) i would pick up a fucking bat with her. whatever its FINE
-god the lil montage of yuzu's dad dueling with her in a lil baby pouch on his back and pausing a duel to change her diaper was SO CUTE. TF BEST YGO DAD FOR REAL GOD. hes a duel school teacher!!! why!! cant he come to help!!!! why are they just letting an 18-19 yr old lead the lancers into anOTHER DIMENSION. i dont CARE that hes thee most responsible smartest guy ever or whatever. my god
-shun and serena are remarkably chill abt all of this, hope we see more of them talking and hanging out and stuff. like serena looks just like his sister and yuya looks like his bestie and u KNOW thats SO weird to him?? but also they were on oppisite sides of the war! i want! more interactions! (very funny theyre both kinda trailing reiji. tbh if /i/ was stranded in another dimension he would be the person id be latching onto out of this cast, too. very nice and level headed guy)
-MY GOD. yugo is SO sweet, his calm explanation to yuzu and them just sittin and talking was great. (his reaction to yuzu implying he loves rin was also very very cute. and rins design AUGH I love it SO much. yuzu is still best arc v girl for me but rins design is my fav. GREEN.) JACK!!! MENTIONED!!!
-while they were talking it sorta explained yugo v yuto was a huge misunderstanding bc yuto thought yugo was the Fusion Enemy and yugo thought yuto was yuri. very very understandable and funny. and also im starting to think everyone in this series is colorblind bc they cant tell any of the yuzu/yuya counterparts apart by hair… (also, speaking of yuri, where did he GO. whts HE up to. weve barely gotten any of him and id like More Please)
-it's…been a minute since I watched 5ds. years. and I only watched it once, so I know im probably going to get details wrong, but aside from jack and crow, all other charas so far are arc v originals? like melissa and Guy that Looks Like This :>/ arent in 5ds right… the city kinda looks different to me, but maybe its just the animation looks newer… are we going to get an explanation to where yusei is? bc if jack and crow are in this…like, none of the protags are in arc v. are they busy. is this a universe without them.
-I forgot how dystopian 5ds was! stupid rich ppl calling the cops on yugo and yuzu for LOITERING and acting like the lower class is a Threat is a lil too real…damn. yugo is so nice immediately just pulling her along to help while shes with him ;_; personality wise hes my fav of the yu boys so far… (I feel like such a traitor for this. sorry to yuto bc zexal is my fav series. but we barely got to see him. whenever he comes back im sure we'll get..more... and sorry to yuya bc I Love Clowns….but I love silly lil bikenana boy…willing to bet when we get more yuri he might fight for that spot bc i LOVE a good villain too…we'll see…)
-YUZU'S REACTION TO YUGO DWHEEL DUEL IS SO FUNNY SHES LIKE. SO RATIONAL THO. my GOD she kept saying he should stop to duel on foot and yeah. playing yugioh (or, any card game) on a bike would be insanely hard. like you have to basically have your cards ALL memorized bc you gotta keep ur eyes ahead to drive, right, so ud only be able to glance? everyone in synchro world has insane memorizing skills. (I know to a degree you'd be able to make the d-wheels have a sort of autopilot, but no, we see them steering themselves and accelerating themselves…)
-the animation kept cutting to 3d models while they were dueling on their bikes and it did Not Look Very Good. it was still very fun.
-yuzu Learns About Corrupt Police and Society Today! She once again is the Real Protag to Me. reporter cowgirl ladys design is cute!
-what was the point of the duel if the cops were gonna just set up a blockade anyway tf. the entertainment aspect is SO fucked lmao bored rich ppl. too real. yugo u dont need to rise in society u gotta burn it all down its all fucked. -_-
-YUZU HAS BEEN IN SYNCHRO WORLD FOR (1) DAY AND IS NOW A WANTED CRIMINAL!!! HOT GIRL SUMMERRRRR. (and by proximity, yuya and serena lol)
-LAYRA SAW COPS AND FLIPPED OUT. understandable but also WHO HURT U. SHINGO IMMEDIATELY NOT GIVING A FUCK AND IS READY TO DUEL THE COPS. SERENA TOO. honestly very iconic of everybody great job. except yuya who is just baffled and not 100% ready to throw down. Get with the PROGRAM yuya u cant fight cops with smiles.
-you know I understanding theyre tryin to duel their way out of it but letting ppl from synchro see: fusion, action cards, and pendulum in ONE GO seems DANGEROUS.
-sorry, but shingo being arrested while yuya is like YAY ACTION DUEL LET ME ENTERTAIN U ^_^ IS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER. and everytime he asked layra if theyre okay they look like a goddamn espurr like O__O clearly NOT OK. VERY SCARED WITHOUT REIJI. WHY DID U BRING THIS TRAUMATIZED CHILD!!!
-there was a scene when yuya was like 'look at these beautiful ladies!" n his hippo girl monsters danced for an uncomfortably long time and the cops face kept being zoomed in on and he was like O__O this ep…i cant tell if its TRYING to make me laugh but it is, my god yuya u are making ME smile if no one else. for absolutely the Wrong Reason. the CHEERFUL TONE he takes on in this situation is SO NOT APPROPRIATE FOR THE GRAVITY OF BEING. ARRESTED. this cop hes dueling is also the most tirest man ive ever seen which makes it so much better
-crows entrance was absolutely INCREDIBLE. WITH THE MOODY THUNDER AND ALL!! HOLY SHIT. just the sound of revving in the distance building up to it CROWWWWW I LOVE U. still probably most excited for jack but STILL.
-ohh, yugo know doesnt what his parents look like huh…and yuzu doesnt know what her mom looked like? her dad, the most cheerful dude in the world never talked abt her? weird.. theres still the mystery of yuzu having her bracelet…id say maybe all the yuya/yuzu counterparts might be the same but no, yuya has both parents so…cannot rly do anything with this info rn…
-ok just a small thought, but in the op and the eps so far, the guy whos always looking over security (idk his name yet but he looks like this :>/) is implied to be the villain, and ig reijis dad might be one of the final villains, but we havent had any Very Present Active villains aside from GROUPS of invaders that are p much faceless…I want more like. Present Villains. does that make sense. dennis doesnt count btw hes just some guy whos hangin out.
-shingo just introduced yuya as his APPRENTICE. PLEASE. i love him so much hes the funniest guy ever. crow also immediately being like 'idk abt all this dimension stuff! but u guys can hang out here for however long u need to :)' LOVE U CROW
-my god DENNIS can juggle and do silly little magic stuff. ok. ive been very lukewarm to him but thats very cute. also 'gon-chan' PLS.
-also one of the bills he got as a tip had that little clown guy from 5ds on it. was he a …person who was important enough to be on money? i dont remember him very much except he had like. a clown wife. cannot recall his place in the plot or anything else LMAO
-yugo and yuzu just trying to convince randos on the street the WAR IS COMING AND THEY CAN TRAVEL DIMENSIONS. AND GETTING LAUGHED AT. HELP THEM.
-im running into traffic to defend gons honor. hes so mad dennis made him the villain in their silly little roleplay HAHA. dennis is like a campy little guy, even when hes outed as a traitor later I seriously seriously doubt itll stick or he'll be a real threat. hes a silly guy..also I just like his monsters designs a lot. (also, he outed xyz to synchro dimension too LMAO DUDE. now they have all the summoning methods u guys can use…)
-gallager is just. he introduces himself as a promoter but him and nico smiley are both like. pimps for duelists right. KAHSDKJ. love his outfit so much tho
-so…where the HELL did reiji land….mildly concerned about now, its been a few…eps and he hasnt been shown…where did he go……..is he ok…….is he with jack….
-ILLEGAL DUEL BETTING. GON IS SOOO OFFENDED TOO. AND THEN IT CUTS TO SHUN IMMEDIATELY IN IT. epic illegal bird moment. poor gon is having to play peacekeeper and is the only reasonable person of this trio
-crow explaining the tops STOLE riding duels and make commoners do it for fun..my god they gentrified riding duels
-very grateful yuya is the one kinda looking after layra in reijis absence. makes perfect sense since he kinda is a big bro figure to the kids at the duel school too! it adds a real softness to yuya that I like (ok lets be real hes already been pretty soft. gooey and warm center, like a cookie) for a second it panned to serena and i was thinking pls dont let the only girl in the group be the mother hen but no. she completely ignores layra and decided to go out on her own (shingo following her lol) bc shes sick of sitting around waiting and her main goal, in her Words is to Find Yuzu too. would it be weird to ship them since they..look the same supposedly….JSDKFJK its tht question of what ud do if u met a clone of urself/alt version of urself. would u kiss or kill them. serena is a Kiss the Clone kinda girl and I respect that
-'friendship cup' is the funniest name ever for a tournament. YOU HAVE TO ENTER. TO DUEL JACK. JACK IS THE PRIZE. TROPHY WIFE JACK. shun and dennis both want to fight jack sooo bad its so funny. me too (affectionate) the fact dennis and shun both took to riding bikes and dueling at the same time SO fast is. incredible. and their lil outfits….
-oh wait. this means the earlier tournament being canceled is just gonna lead into this one isnt it HAHAH i knew it couldnt be ygo without a full tournament arc….its fine. I actually dont DISLIKE these type of arcs even if they arent my favorite
-not sure if ive said it but I Must mention it: yuyas magicians have nonbinary swag
-who the hell is shinji. youre not yusei. bootleg yusei….where did they PUT YUSEI!!! are all the protags busy like DAMN!! WHERE ARE THEY!!! I understand on a meta level u wouldnt want them all in the series to take away protagswag from yuya but this series literally lends itself to a bbt style crossover! the whole series is a crossover! they shouldve had a lil movie or smth. I want. another bbt movie. but w the newer protags too. lke all 8-9(??) ygo protags...itd be FUN
-crow being such a DAD to a ton of kids is cute. and probably the best person layra couldve come to stay with tbh, hes obv concerned abt them ;_; babies. also him and yuya dueling bc crow thinks feeding kids is more important than making them smile…and yuya thinks making them smile is more important…no yuya i gotta side with crow here LMAO crow called yuya privileged too JDSFHKJ
-NINJA GUY!!! I FORGOT HE WAS WITH THE LANCERS?? i mean ive been seein him in the op but STILL. good he got layra outta there. the cops were going to arrest a CHILD. i mean ik yuya is a child too but layra is a CHILD child not a teen yk. omg jail arc???
-speaking of arcs. is this series called arc v. because. arc 5. as in fifth arc of the yugioh series. I was speculating to why it was called that last time and had the realization thats prob why JKSHDFK
-god we actually are getting a…prison arc…this is INCREDIBLE. why werent they given the prison uniforms everyone else has. btw yuya now would be the PERFECT time to bring ur inner demon out to break out
-the bosses absurdly large brick stack of cards is insane. ive never seen so many so neatly stcked in one place…bro what if someone knocked them over that would be a nightmare…
-the lil story with the boss was fun (and felt appropriate given hes dueling yuya, who is all abt Smiles and Entertaining and hed lost that…like gettin his spark back) …so the moral here is u can make friends with fellow inmates n have solidarity but the cops are always enemies. understandable and real
-so yuya should become the new prison boss. right. he beat the old boss. but whatever I guess they didnt want yuya to be a crimeboss...cowards
-so whenever someone tries breaking out, their friends/the ppl left behind get punished and taken somewhere they 'never return from'…thats…terrifying and would be pretty efficient to anyone with any kind of morals, but idk, i feel like anyone would get really desperate and try it anyway at a certain point if conditions are bad enough, their fellow inmates be damned..
-sorry but it has to be said though. this mans hair is a lizard straight up. with the little hands and everything. is anyone fucking talking about this.
-my god yugo cannot whistle at all. everytime i see him and yuzu im like. they are so funny i love them both so much SJADFHKJ we go a few eps w/out them and im so sad… btw..yuya is in jail, i kinda expected this friendship cup thing to involve them more heavily, but the :>/ guy said yugo and yuzu would be arrested when they showed up for it too and im like. is it even gonna be an Event or Not. i mean I LOVE prison arc but. Wondering
-'hey crow if ur gonna leave here (prison) can I come too..' YUYA. DO YOU THINK CROW OF ALL PEOPLE IS GOING TO LEAVE YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS IN PRISON AND DITCH YOU ALL?? ITS CROW. CMON.
-yuya constantly looking like either the happiest dude ever (when its horribly inappropriate most of the time) or the saddest little kicked puppy alive makes me lose it. (and the third option of Murderously Possessed, but its been like 20 eps since weve seen that so..maybe the demon and yuto both peaced out. maybe they eloped. good for them)
-ok im going to need a gif of this PRONTO. shun how did you get there. HE SHOULDER DROPPED THIS MAN. XYZ BITCHES ARE BUILT DIFFERENT. XYZ REPRESENT!!!! he bodied like 15 more guards after this with his FISTS not even using his cards CMON LETS GOOO the prison break scene was AMAZING. also shingo grabbing some rare cards on the way out. best boy alert. why do his eyes glow in the dark.
-….hey shingo loses SO many duels its kind of funny. reminds me of watching manjoume from gx do the same thing. between them who has more losses. theyre both a certain…flavor of cringedude characters that i always end up liking…
btw Lightsworn Monster SPOTTED. I HAVE THIS CARD IN MY FAVORITE DECK!!! HIII FELIS!!!
-'what does a monster with 100 lp have to accomplish' -guy whos never heard of goddamn card effects. damn i thought these dudes were supposed to be the super efficient guards or whatever…anyway shun coming in with the literal xyz rescue was CUTE look at him functioning in a team ;w; good
-oh my god :>/ guy is named jean-michel roget. hes. hes french coded. u know wht i think i like my silly lil emoji name for him better. GOD DAMN they were SO close to escaping. CROW HAS KIDS AT HOME. ARGNH THEYRE TRYING TO SEPARATE SERENA TOO. BULLSHIT.
-REIJI FINALLY FINALLY SHOWING UP. WHERE WERE U. talking to a council I Guess. fucking negotiating. ok king of efficiency. he saved everyones asses with this. everyone say thank u reiji for everything, always.
-oh my god the friendship cup. theyre all being forced to demonstrate their abilities in the tournament . mandatory friendship cup. its a Full Circle. out of jail straight into the REAL tournament arc. i cant believe this.
-yuya vs jack. oh my god its going to happen. <- so excited to see jack i am going to throw UP
-crow called jack a traitor so. so they havent made up yet. I mean I FIGURED and yusei isnt HERE and i am :( I barely remember 5ds but I remember crow and jack bein silly together near the end…be FRIENDS or ELSE I will CRY
-yuzu's lil riding duel outfit is SO cute. pls. also yuzu crying with relief once she sees yuya is ok…baby ;_; theyre so Close to bein reunited….
-the problem with me trying to figure out how and why this series diverges from 5ds is that i remember Nothing Important from 5ds at all. i remember the dumbass details like that jack loved cup ramen JSDHKJ but its clearly an au (with..no yusei for some reason...) and im like. wondering if theyll ever explain WHY its an au from the original. or if im just supposed to Know. bc I Dont Yet
-I thought itd be really funny if jack DID defeat yuya in Three Turns like he said he was going to. and then he DOES. he beats him so hard yuya FLIES OFF HIS BIKE. AND BOUNCES. LMAO glad hes wearing a helmet at least. love u jack. also. i know it was probably framed in the way of jack being an asshole but I? kind of agree with him about this:
(I actually…said smth along these lines in my first arc v liveblog post:
almost word for word HAHA me and jack are on the same wavelength and he read yuya in like 10 seconds FLAT I am Amazed)
not that it's a BAD thing. he wants to make people happy, and it makes him happy in turn when theyre cheering for him! thats fine! (an irl example would be like, I enjoy making art for others to make them happy. but I also enjoy getting positive feedback for my own satisfaction!) absolutely nothing wrong with it!
HOWEVER. the impression I've gotten so far is that yuya gets upset when his opponent is the one being cheered for (a good example was the michio duel and that annoying trivia kid duel. he didnt seem real happy when the audience was rooting for them and not him!) as opposed to…I cant believe I'm comparing him to dennis but. the dennis v gon duel was a great example of what I think a more genuine entertainment duel should be…they were playing the roles of hero v villain, and dennis was great at improv there, quickly turning into the villain when Straight Man to his Comedy Guy routine Gon accused him of being the Real Villain in that situation. like he ROLLED with it and was perfectly fine with gon winning bc it suited their lil story and the audience loved it! I think entertainment dueling SHOULD be like that, like improv and acting bc you're entertaining ppl. ur a performer. u need to go w the flow more.
(Okay, this might not have been the best duel to show it off bc 1. hes dueling JACK of all ppl who declared hes gonna WIN and. he Will. 2. this is a situation where hes trying to showcase the strength of the lancers, so it wouldnt do to THROW the duel. but he couldve played into jacks dramatics a bit, made himself out to be more of a dramatic underdog, or a potential upstarter…for wanting to be an ENTERTAINER I want to see yuya channel his dramatics a LOT more than he does. esp w jack of all ppl!) to me it feels like yuya also ties a LOT of his self worth to how other ppl perceive his role in duels too which is Unhealthy (and again. is an extension of the 'smile when u want to cry' stuff imo, also pretty unhealthy) I…dont know if any of this is That Deep or theyre just trying to make jack seem like an asshole. I WANT it to be this deep bc its a REALLY interesting trait for a protag to have!
-kinda love how ppl in the Tops are dressed like old timey victorians. (also a lot of them have very western names) it just creates a very. unique vibe
-can I also just say i LOVE LOVE LOVE the trope in ygo of 'person does what they think is the final finishing move, then theres smoke and everyone is like :0 and when the smoke clears, the person is still standing in the duel because of some trap/spell/effect' IT HAPPENS SO MUCH IN ARC V AND I EAT IT UP EVERYTIME.
-...jack gave this random child servant a card and told him it suited him and the kids mad jack 'changed' and got mad jack compared him to a 'weak card'...first off its gonna end up being smth like 'even weak cards have potential, none of them are useless, its like u, u feel like ur a low level but u also have potential' (which. very yusei thing btw) but also if my hero gave me a card i would literally be SO happy this kid is dumb asf. jack literally wasnt even being RUDE when he gave it to him and jack is usually SO Rude like CMON. 'wheeh i had NO cards and jack gave me one but its WEAK so i dont want it' this is called being ungrateful. i know hes a kid so I shouldnt be so annoyed but damn its rude. its a REALLY cute card too (not one I recognize and the text is in japanese but its a cute lil cyber girl with pink hair and a tuning fork and bc this is synchro I assume its a tuner monster or smth?)
-...went from jail to bougiest penthouse in the world. lmao and locked in his room....ur a rich persons pet now...'if u lose ur out of the penthouse' willing to bet its the same for jack since at the end of the day hes still. u know. a commons Guy cosplaying a bougie. funnily enough, the tops are saying 'as long as he keeps winning hes not a commons, hes one of us!' and the commons are saying 'hes a traitor who sold out!' then another commons guy being like 'NO jack is still OUR hero he doesnt belong to the tops!' etc. its like he cant fucking win no matter what he does! insane. jack ilu tho.
-...actually, first match is gon v crow. calling it now, gon loses his Stand In One Place shtick isnt gonna work v a motorcycle. i kinda think I want crow to win this tournament actually to duel jack KJHSDKJ i know itll prob be yuya but cmonnnn. its PERSONAL for crow. btw does this mean gon will be homeless for the rest of the friendship cup stuff since if u lose u get kicked outta the penthouse. where will he GO. ...tbh since crow has kids waiting at home for him it might be better if he loses first so he can take the losers of this tournament back home w him so they dont. go to jail again? maybe? we’ll see!!
very very fun stretch of eps, I binged SO many last night and tonight :3
#sanchoyo liveblogs arc v#sanchoyorambles#JAAAAAAAACK MY FRIEND JACK HE IS SO FUN I LOVE JACK <- loves jack#also going to print out and frame that pic of shun elbow dropping a cop. its so dear to me. thanks buddy#arc v#ygo#this kind of turned into an essay at the end of me analysing yuya which#may or may not be completely wrong and i might be looking too hard into it#i actually think jack is being very chill compared to how i REMEMBER him which is like#this is clearly n au right. but how/why
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YAYAY IM HAPPY THAT THEY TOOK YOUR APOLOGY WELL and itsokay im also a coward in conflicts like i try to avoid drama but somehow i end up being part of smth ??? WAIT STORY TIME HELP SORRY THIS IS GONNA BE REALLY LONG 💔💔
ok for background context i used to like this guy last year (he… was not the best person but shh) and we got really close like he considered me his best friend but he knew i liked him so it was like really awkward sometimes when he would just stare into my soul and it gave off the vibes of “i know u like me and i will make u miserable!!” BUT ANYWAYS he forced me to confess (kinda) like he msged me and said smth along the lines of “i know you like me and just be honest.” why did he put me on the spot i do not know but i found no point in lying cuz apparently when he was at this competition a few ppl were talking about my crush on him?? i dont know how other ppl figured it out???
I MEAN OK TO BE FAIR I WAS REALLY OBVIOUS but also i didnt openly admit that i like him !! whenever classmates would ask id always say like “no i dont” or that its none of their business but they just love to get into anything relationship crush related like this isnt middle school anymore 💔 ang immature talaga nila pag nalaman may crush yung isa sa classmate ☹️ ANYWAYS ppl took that answer as “yes i like him!!” so they would just constantly talk about it whenever they see the guy so that explains why they were talking about me at that competition (i wasnt even there.) but he rejected me and i dont like him anymore. we are still good friends i suppose bc he still tells me everything HELP
anyways to the actual drama thats still happening rn its been like 3 months ..!
throughout that entire thing im afraid that there was a girl (shes my classmate currently) who was LITERALLY WISHING ON MY DOWNFALL BC SHE LIKED THE GUY TOO AND STILL DOES. like girl you can have him i dont like him anymore !! but shes been talking shit about me since ive been around him recently + SHE THINKS I STILL LIKE HIM. im usually a touchy person w my friends if they let me but it isnt even romantic or anything im just “abusive” (which is what they describe me as) since i sneak up behind them and slap their shoulder as hard as i can. HELP I PROMISE THEYRE FINE W ME DOING THIS IM NOT ONE OF THOSE PPL WHO JUST DO IT FOR NO REASON 💔 I DO IT BECAUSE THEY BULLY ME BUT ANYWAYS THIS GIRL REALLY DOESNT LIKE ME TOUCHING HIM (this sounds so wrong out of context..) shes really mad about me being close to him like im sorry he wants to be my friend?? im not stopping her from talking to him nor do i care if she does. im like 99% sure she was crying yesterday because i slapped his shoulder. i feel bad but i also dont bc she can go slap him too….. its not that special gang
she also calls herself an “outsider” and thinks the guy doesnt care about her since he doesnt talk to her. miss girl i think hes just creeped out by how you treat his friends LIKE IF I WAS IN HIS POSITION I DONT THINK I WANNA TALK TO SOMEONE WHO HATES ANY GIRL I INTERACT WITH
IM GETTING OFF TOPIC STOP BUT shes been spreading a whole bunch of rumours and talking about me with her friend group (who also hates me bc of this) and im pretty sure she thinks idk about what shes doing because whenever she talks to me its always strangely nice or asking me for academic help. like at this point i dont know the answer to the chem homework either stop asking me since you hate me sm!!
im praying she stops being like this bc shes genuinely a nice..??? person. shes just weirdly obsessed w the guy and will do anything to stop him from interacting w any girls other than her. LIKE IF WE IGNORE EVERYTHING ELSE SHE DID shes a decent person that i could be friends with. i cant even apologize to her or anything since I DONT KNOW WHAT TO APOLOGIZE FOR?? “hi im sorry for liking and slapping the guy you have a crush on” LIKE THIS DOESNT MAKE SENSE HELP but ill just let it marinate i guess and hope for the best 😓😓
IM SORRY IDIDNT THINK THSI WOULD BE SO LONG I HOPE EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE IM TOO LAZY TO READ IT OVER 💔💔 i hope u dont mind long asks pookie
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OMG SAME !! i avoid drama but got caught it in during ninth and tenth grade :'3 so i'm trying to be cautious about the friends i make and also trying to keep my circle small </3
oouugghff knowing that someone knows you like them is sooo awkward AND HE STARES AT YOU TOO ??? i would pass out on the spot ... i hate those types of classmates na laging nasa business ng iba .. ESPECIALLY ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS !!!! i think may ganyan talaga every grade. except for college, i think. since mas mature na mga tao dun but you never know. AWWHHH GOOD FOR YOU !! i personally wouldn't be close friends with him after that because people might get the wrong idea </3
SEEE, I TOLD YOU PEOPLE WOULD GET THE WRONG IDEA !! 🥹🥹🥹 why can't she just ask you if you still have a crush on him like she's making conflict for no reason at all. ( •́ ‿ ,•̀ )
why do girls have to go through phases where they go insane over a SINGLE BOY !! but i guess it's a canon event and they'll just grow out of it .. but! three months is actually so long ?? how do you deal with that 🐙 anon ... i would be so fed up and just confront her about it. i hope she confesses to the boy soon and he rejects her ( i assuming he doesn't like her ) so that this situation will be over. 🥹 if you let it marinate, it'll either get worse or get better, no in between! ( trust me, i've been there. )
ANYWAYS! i don't mind long asks, i love them a lot actually :3 it feels like chatting with a friend :33
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Hi welcome back! God i feel that life has been wild lately so i totally understand. Oh hey no worries ive been in a boat too of like. Man i really want to do this thing but my energy just isnt there. Yikes i hope you enter a stage of having more rest time soon. 8 exams? What the hell thats too many. Baking is a fun hobby i love to partake in that one myself. I like to make sweet breads & such. & its good to have a hobby to like. Pull yourself out of your head when stuff like school gets to be too much. Having to exist in public unfortunately means people will sometimes try to talk to you when you just. Want to go about your day. That is surprising but i also went to school with mostly a bunch of pricks who were awful people so. Had to look up what gran canaria is but it sounds like a nice place id love to visit sometime. Clearly schools work on fae rules. I will save for ruan mei i swear. After i pull archeron. I got black swan with the free pulls i had saved so im hoping to nab archeron. I instantly fell in love with her. Very nice clara supremacy she is so good. One day ill have her on main. I think i stopped at tb 60 so i can work on a few characters but the artifact grind hates me. Oh that sounds real interesting i cant wait to see it play out i just finished the bit where cocolia turned bronya & took the one herrscher at uh. Ch 3 end? Oh i know that one! Catarina my beloved she's so stupid i love her. Easily one of the best protags in recent memory. Dunmeshi is real good so far ive been enjoying it & seeing my girl marcille animated is everything i hoped for. Love my favorite fail girl elf. Im caught up on penacony & still dont understand the racist sparkle thing. Might be i wasnt fully paying attention at the time though. Seele confirmed for best girl by all herscherrs. Oh she must have a good amount of lore im excited to read that. Oh so thats what that means okay. Kinda love that it sounds fun. & more good natured than when people here say that about america. Good luck on surviving i believe in you!
HI THANK YOU!!!! god it really has. and the weather here has been so gloomy recently that i have no energy to do anything even if i have the time. the horrors are endless but we stay silly. and thankies once again!!! i MIRACULOUSLY managed to not fail anything so were all good. unfortunately this month is also already packed but luckily its stuff i more or less either know [polish] or like [geography]. and two of the teachers i disliked got fired AJDKFJG. history guy for offering to raise students' grades if they go around spreading konfederacja [a polish extremely far-right party] flyers and that math teacher who couldnt count for saying hitler was a good person. just another day in a polish school, i guess. but both of our replacement teachers are very cool so we're so back. god yeah totally!!! not only do i have something to do for a while but i ALSO get to eat at the end. literally a win/win situation. yeah that Is annoying but as i mentioned its luckily not as common over here.... and ouhggh pain. gran canaria is VERY beautiful but id also like to visit the other canary islands someday...... the carnival on tenerife is one of the, if not the biggest, ones in spain so thatd be fun to see as well. i only missed the celebrations on gran canaria by one day which was quite annoying but oh well. GOD YEAH. im still convinced School Air is a thing bc i simply cannot explain so many things without that assumption. GOOD LUCK WITH BOTH RUAN MEI AND ACHERON!!! im also saving for acheron hehehehe. strange woman and a mei expy so shes a must pull. and also congrats on the black swan!!!! i agree clara is just. cracked. she has carried me through this game and she continues to do so. tho sim uni gold and gears is kinda beating my ass ngl. since i only have the nodes that require full cognition range left to do. oh absolutely fair, i did that for a while and rn am doing the same but with tl 65. but i DID manage to finallyyyyyy max out wolfie's skills the other day so thats done. i do want to get one better artifact for her but i have chars im prioritizing a bit more. and same the artifact grind hates everyone i think. planar ornaments are much easier to grind imo or at least I Personally have much better luck with them than with cavern of corrosion stuff. but that may also be because i genuinely enjoy doing sim uni so it doesnt feel like as much as a chore as coc. AND OH HAVE FUN THEN!!!! the wendy arc, ironically, is the event that kinda butterfly effect causes Literally The Whole game. CATARINA IS VERY FUN YEAH i look forward to finally continuing that.... and dunmesh as well......... oh and with the sparkle thing afaik its much more prominent in the chinese version because. now dont quote me on this because I Do Not Speak Chinese but i have heard that when talking to aventurine, she uses an Actual Chinese Slur Against Romani People. which. not cool. but yeah its somewhat of a strange issue and ive seen a lot of different opinions from both sides so tbh idk where i stand on the whole thing. SEELE 🔛🔝!!! and dw im Working on the summary but ive also realized how much time its gonna take me to write down All Of That so please give me some time i promise ill get it done asap but ah. and yeah its very fun!! i generally feel like a lot of polish humor [ESPECIALLY online but irl as well] isnt quite as. Patriotic as that of the us. but to each their own adjfkjs. AND THANK YOU o7!!!!
#i also just lost an 11h long noita run yesterday which was. painful.#but ive been having more fun than i thought i would with honkai part 2#asks#pen pals
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yeah the vibe is different </3 it now feels less like a personal chat and more like a personal chat in a public space but what else can we do when tumblr keeps being homophobic TT-TT
yeah I hope so too!! I'll bring it up to her soon as we still have Sci-fi cons which we regularly attend bcs I think that'd be cool!
and aaaw that sounds adorable!! The Sci-Fi cons that I visit always have lots of kids that age running around with their plastik lightsabers and usually clone wars masks of Anakin and Obi Wan and it's the cutest thing to watch them run around and play out their ideas
yeah she probably won't ksjdlsk it's just that we're both so used of someone bitching at us for buying even the most necessary shit so we gotta get used to that no longer happening slkjdlsk I'll probably bring it up to her soon, maybe tomorrow after uni! Hell I can even pay for it myself, I still have a lot of unused money from the past few cons since I barely bought smth aside from postcards / small prints
ksjdslk you're going to have the sickest bookshelf if that works out! and I hope it does skdjsl But yeah that sounds like a solid idea as to where to put them!!
ooh I think with the shows coming out there should definitely be a spike on tutorials for them!! Though I highly doubt there weren't some to begin with with Star Wars being such a huge franchise!! (and yeah I think that could probably be a solid start!!)
Yeah that's also always what I have noticed (it's probably also one of the most comfortable options ngl skldjsk) I think attaching them is going to be the most tricky part but I bet there are tricks to do so very easily!
yeah it feels way more out in the open, like speaking into a microphone instead of like just a casual conversation sat at a table in the corner of the room.. we could switch to discord or insta dms if we want it less open but idk, feels weird when its not on tumblr
ooo that sounds like fun! i need to try going to a sci-fi con, i know they have some in edinburgh occasionally throughout the year so il see if i can maybe go there eventually
it was!! it was so fucking fun, i remember around that age me and my sister would have lightsaber duels occasionally, too bad the sabers were bad quality so i accidently broke mine when i hit it too hard </3 thankfully it was after halloween so i still had the saber for halloween, just imagine like an 8 or 9 year old with a darth vader mask and red lightsaber walking down a dimly lit street dsjdsslkdj
i remember when i went trick or treating later that day i used my vader helmet (well its more like a mask tbh, its only the front half of vaders helmet lol) as a bucket to keep my sweets and candy in dlskjdslkjds
thats fair i cant rlly blame you or her, it will probably take a long time to get over that (i know the feeling cause my mother is like that sometimes, its so fucking annoying. she does it less to me now cause i have my own money but still)
i hope it goes well when you talk to her about it!! i doubt she wont let you buy it but wishing it goes well anyways!! if you dont do it tomorrow tho do keep in mind the sale is i think only lasting 1 more week? (or until everything sells out) so dont leave it too long slksjdlskd
IK ITS GONNA BE SO COOL, id say my bookshelf is already pretty cool because ive got 2 shelfs of books (one is mostly manga and star wars books, other is recipe books and other misc books) i could put them in 1 shelf but ive done it that way so theres space on the shelf next to the books, so i can put the helmets next to the books!! thinking about it now i can prob get 2 on the bookshelf and then the other 2 could go ontop of it maybe, idk il figure that out when i get them dsjlkds
Edit: heres a pic of said book shelf, forgot to mention the (fake) plant that hangs infront of my manga!!! skdjd Ignore the basket on the second shelf of books btw thats just where i keep my socks rn lmao (and random clothes in the shelf below too sldjslskssjk, im working on it so ignore that)
Anyways i could totally fit a helmet or 2 in here, one where the origami book is and one where the basket is, then the rest can go ontop of the bookcase idk lol
oh yeah its def gonna be trending, i saw one for storm trooper armour a few months ago, not mandalorian but tbh they are close (i mean storm trooper armour was based on the clones armour which was based on mandalorian so it is connected lmao) even if there isnt im pretty sure i could probably figure it out on my own if i had to
i think the way il have to attach it is maybe velcro? cause pins could fall out and if i try to put it back on it will be in a slightly different area probably, so what im thinking is having small velcro patches put onto the body suit and some on the armour pieces!! probably wont work out how it is in my head when i finally do it but i can atleast have ideas until then lol
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my dad.. it’s not like he wasn’t ever there but i distinctly remember being weary of him from a young age because he worked so hard he’d be away for extended periods of time, this foreign man in my home? i wish ever so dearly to go back and hug him so tight and never let go, being such a young child i never grasped the gentleness of his arms when he pulled me up to the skies and i nestled my head in his neck, the tiredness behind his eyes allowing for the last of his strength to show me how to play guitar or shoot a rifle, only now i notice how his eyes would light up when id let my childishness explode out from me in wild bursts of laughter and excitement. i don’t think i ever appreciated him when he needed it most yet he bats it off with a smile to say ‘it’s all a part of growing up’ and perhaps he’s right, we had good times, he’d match my sense of wonder with climbing the tallest tree or returning with every piece of merchandise he could find about coraline once i expressed my admiration for it. he now sits quietly, grey and wiry, watching me play guitar with a smile that he explicitly states is from pride. yet these moments are few and far between now i’ve come to appreciate them more, perhaps too much. i just want to be protected and loved. pet names make me flustered and embarrassingly sad, i long to be a child, when the world was filled with mystery despite my stubbornness to not see it in such a way, my mind was still that of a child and my memories are flooded with magical moments that i hope i never learn the truth behind. i wish i wasn’t such a stubborn child that suppressed the lenience of being part of the new youth, i can no longer freely dance and lay in the grass, responsibilities cause me to freeze, am i still not a child? why must i already join the competitive employment system? these are not questions i would ponder back then, yet one still remains and has remained throughout my life. why do i hate being vulnerable so much? knowing people were near, i have never fully expressed sadness due to my unfortunate habit of hyperventilating. my parents love me unconditionally. which is why it is so hard when they belittle me and my opinions to the point of a shutdown, i don’t think i’ll ever be able to tell them such things again. now i only ramble about facts and interests which feels like a compulsion as i cannot stop the flow of facts, i believe it somewhat replaces my need for sociability and connection but i physically cant bring myself to be completely weak in-front of them, to cry and break down and be embraced with the wholeness of love, with all it’s glory and support because.. what if i am not met with that? i force a smile and look at my parents wearily, i feel as though i am deteriorating both mentally and physically yet they refuse to accept these and yet ,they ask for my well-being, if i need any help with anything at all. it’s a kind gesture.. if i wasn’t so nervous like a mice hearing the low growl of a fox i would accept. my mother has commented on how my guard is never lowered, only when intoxicated, when she likes me best because i’m relaxed, i know this feeling well, my shoulders weigh as i slouch them to either side of me and i huff a hot breath. memories surge back to me of my mum being frustrated at my meltdowns for having seamed socks, yet she sits there in the greek night, glowing and laughing and enjoying life, i understood i had to parent myself to some degree, it was only fair as how were mine able to do so when they were battling their own traumas? i do feel guilty for the independence i have and did have as a child as my mother often explained she felt left out of my childhood yet i just never saw any importance to these events, i still don’t. it’s not humble as much as i would like it to be, i just don’t think anyone would bother listening to such a boring tale
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actually fuck tumblr fr cant believe they deleted my ask smh.
fear not im back :)
fic rec for u! it was only a kiss! by remuslives23 (wolfstar, they drink some firewhiskey and accidentally kiss. v cute)
miss taylor: the last great american dynasty, state of grace, & wonderland <3
i'll reanswer ur qs from last time:
ive got no allergies! that i know of at least. im safe for now. i truly fear the day i find out im suddenly allergic to a food i love (can that even happen?? i hope not)
i totally believe in fate, i think everything kinda happens for a reason and everyone meets people for a reason. if its meant to be itll be, and if its not meant to be then its just not meant to be. some things (most things) are out of our control so whats the point in trying to control what happens to us and who we meet. i say we go with the flow (i say this as the most anxious person on the planet who cant handle change or unfamiliarity)
i accidentally messed up a good friendship a few years ago, basically i wasnt there for someone when they needed me (to be fair we were both going thru it so i didnt even realize) but theyre happier now and so am i so all is well.
i wake up bright and early (its almost noon) i gracefully get out of bed (i drag myself out of bed) i make myself a hearty nutritious meal (i make coffee and some toast if its a good day) i get ready for class (i change into sweatpants and brush my teeth) i head to campus (my class is online. i stay in bed for the rest of the day)
fav superhero forever spiderman & daredevil. and thor cause hes a dumbass and funny but PETER PARKER & MATT MURDOCK MY LOVES!!!
id switch lives with someone crazy wealthy like elon musk or jeff bezos so i can drain their bank accounts and donate to people in need and solve world hunger <3 or maybe timothee chalamet cause id love to know what goes on in his mind hes so funny sometimes.
i wish i had written just lovers by zar bc that fic will forever be my favourite thing ever. its just so damn good and to be the author of it would be truly an honour.
i wish i had written maybe the iliad & odyssey cause 1. theyre freaking epic & 2. homer mightve not been a real person so if i was homer i would be an mysterious enigma.
ive never been in love actually, despite being a hopeless romantic. ive liked people but it never got further than that so ig im just waiting for the right person to come along !
im so loud as a drunk. i WILL sing along to anything playing and i WILL dance horribly. im also giggly cause everything becomes hilarious to me. i do sometimes get confrontational too but thats only if i drink white rum, for some reason.
our worst fight can hardly be considered a fight cause its so dumb but she had called me to ask if id be there for her bday party, i said i might not be able to cause i had 4 papers due the weekend of her party and then she got really upset cause she wanted me there and then i got upset cause i wanted to be there really bad but i was overwhelmed with school and exams and we kinda just sobbed at each other for like 10 mins before we hung up. she called me back a few mins later and we both apologized for being stupid and then i told her id get my papers done so i could go which solved our problem. luckily i did get my papers done in time and i made it🎉 i think i wrote almost 10,000 words in the span of 2 days it was torture truly.
prob last time i saw liv which was in january :( damn her for going to a diff city for uni fr. but we walked in circles around this lake for a few hours and chatted shit about the bitchy people we went to high school with & it was lovely.
jegulily i think yes! james has two hands. i havent read any of them yet but if i find a good fic i plan on it. plus i think their dynamic has good potential & i love each of the individual characters so very much so.
10 things i hate about you!!!!!! other favs include: mamma mia, enchanted, 13 going on 30, and princess diaries. tbh i dont watch a lot of romcoms so idek if these technically count as romcoms but whatever i love them so.
IT!!!!!!!!!!!! i was fucking obsessed with that movie in 2017 i made it my entire personality.
qs for u!
piercings vs tattoos?
fav superhero?
fav fic of all time?
what would your animagus form be?
what's your literary archetype? (fun lil quiz, i got ruler )
what are you like while drunk?
is it better to speak or to die?
preferred method of annotating books? (ie. do u add random commentary or do u add insightful analysis)
when listening to music, are u more of a lyrics person or a sound person?
thats all for now! praying tumblr doesnt fuck this one up too🙏
-bee :)
beeeeeeee :))))))
girl u gonna have to forgive me for this but I woke up and Tumblr was like 'u didn't save this draft would u like to restore it' and I was like 'YES MOTHERFUCKER' and it was ur other ask but I will answer these Taylor songs here !!!! and I got a free extra fic rec , so I'll give u 2 in the other ask .
(feeling sorry for ur poor old fingers u soldier)
tay tay -
the last great American dynasty - MARY MACDONALD - that song speaks of love and loss to me and damn it if it isn't Mary macdonald at the end of her life all alone and everything. I mean can u not just see her 'pacing the rocks staring out at the midnight sea'?
state of grace - JEGULUS - that entire song is basically regulus thinking about their love and how it was so unexpected 'I never saw you coming and I'll never be the same' (also James tearing reg's armour down ????)
wonderland - JILY / DRARRY - now hear me out , I think that the chorus bit where it's all 'didn't they tell us' and everything is a split convo between lily and James where she's all sad and depressed and mad and James is just there for her trying to convince her that it'll all be okay and they're fine. now , dreary , because I think 'didn't you flash your green eyes at me / didn't you calm my fears with a Cheshire Cat smile' is such a Draco thing to say about harry. like he would be so so worried and harry would just have this complete confidence that everything would be a-ok.
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cw vent,, doin bad tonite lads
idk if i have PMDD or if it's the SAD or if it's the work stress or if it's the state of this country and the fact that I'm slowly losing hope of both living independently/being able to afford such as well as ever being able to ever begin to transition properly or just whatever the fuck but man im not having a good time
i keep thinking lately about how ive never been able to catch a break and like sometimes i feel like im blowing it out of proportion and that its not fair because i do actually lead a fairly privileged life but also like. i was literally bullied at the age of THREE by my nursery teacher because she mistook the clear signs of my neurodivergence as misbehaviour. i struggled through school because nobody noticed i was neurodivergent and the people who did didnt want to admit it. i developed body dysmorphia by the age of like 8 iirc. i was bullied throughout all of my childhood and struggled so badly because i didnt have any support in place because somehow nobody noticed the very clear signs of adhd and autism. i lost my teenage years to severe bullying which caused permanent trauma and then lost the four years of my life after finishing school to essentially becoming a carer for an abusive suicidal boyfriend and then spent months after his death blaming myself for "not doing enough" when i had literally become a recluse because i was afraid that if i went out he might need me and i wouldnt be available. this year was the first year i think ive ever actually felt Right because i felt like i had myself figured out and i was doing what i wanted and i felt free and i just. i think theres an element of grieving for probably like a good sixteen or so years of my life where i was consistently traumatised by something and had no chance to find myself as a person
i feel consistently selfish for it but i just want someone to see how much im struggling and acknowledge it yknow like. offer some help or take care of me for a bit. i dont understand why but im in this role of a protector and caretaker for others and whilst i want to look after people and i care so so deeply about the people i do look after id also like to be looked after occasionally, you know? like. the day my cat died my partner was there and i got out of bed and my mum gave me the news and i went downstairs and i held her and i went back to my room and got in bed and started crying and. my partner put their arm around me and said he was sorry and i just curled up into them and cried and i genuinely think its the most ive ever felt cared for in at least my working memory
when i was younger sometimes my dad would try to comfort me when i cried and when i tried to explain why i was crying he would say "oh, [deadname]" in this really sympathetic tone and i remember always hoping he would do it when i cried because it made me feel like someone was actually acknowledging how much i was hurting and there came a point where he stopped saying it and idr if it was just because i was getting older and it sounded condescending or if it was at the point where i started hiding from my parents when i was upset because i didnt want them to worry but there was a period of time where i would actually miss that exclamation every time i cried even though i wasnt coming to my dad for comfort
i want to ask for help and seek help and comfort and be vulnerable enough to let people know i need it but also theres people who rely on me and i worry that if i dont seem positive or up to it they might think they cant come to me and i want them to be able to come to me i really do. then also i feel like if i bring my hurt to others all im going to do is upset or inconvenience them and i dont want to do that
im just trapped because i dont want anyone to worry about me but also i kind of do and it makes me feel so selfish like why would anyone ever want people to worry about them but its just in that way that like. iwould maybe just like to be asked if im alright before ive expressed that im not. i would like someone to notice that im quieter than usual or that i dont seem as enthusiastic or upbeat as i do most of the time and ask how im feeling. even that makes me feel selfish though and i hate it because i know realistically that isnt selfish but equally any normal person would just seek out the comfort they need right?? but i cant because if i initiate it then it means im annoying someone or upsetting someone or taking up someone's valuable time
i dont understand how i can be both looking after others, taking time to check on them and make sure theyre alright, give advice and welcome people in if they need me, and then also at the same time feel like the world biggest dickhead if i even dare to think about asking for the same from someone. or refusing to take my own advice. i need a mental health break from work desperately and my partner keeps telling me this as well but i keep refusing because we had 4 staff members off sick this week and if i went off as well it would make things hard for them. i just cant,, prioritise myself
im tired of england and im tired of the world and im tired of having to figure out how im going to manage to exist in the way i want to one day and im tired of feeling selfish for desiring human contact and im tired of waking up before the sun's up and im tired of feeling sad and not understanding why and im just. im just tired
#sorry for this. fucking cringeass dump i just needed to write it all down somewhere#cw vent#personal
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