#id just make everyone more confused abt the topic

[lanlishiba]

I love the way you pick your colours! Do you have a method for doing so?

Uhh here's me horribly attempting to show how i pick my colors lol also its all over the place so its a mess

i am BAD at explaining how i do stuff, like seriously

[zo1nkss]

ok so you made a post abt the canyon and ive been trying to figure it out so i figured id ask you- what does that actually mean. like ik its a term for izzy fans but do you know where it came from?

I don't mean to sound put off by you specifically at all, but this is actually the 3rd ask I've got abt what "the canyon" is and it's getting hard to keep answering. I totally get the confusion and I'll still answer, but I'm just putting this out there for other ppl mostly. Might make a faq or something with some of the questions I get asked a lot lol

Okay so "The canyon" is shorthand for "The Izzy Canyon". They call themselves that, afaik it started on Twitter bc when I joined tumblr no one had heard of them before - and most people here generally don't know the term.

It was largely born out of a group of (mostly) yt OFMD fans who were accusing myself and some friends and others I wasn't in circles with of harassment etc bc we talked privately about our feelings regarding how they talked about Izzy in relation to characters of color.

When I talk about "The Canyon" I am mostly refering to that group. Since that time, they have grown and expanded to include people who do not act that way and more ppl who aren't yt and more nuance has been aded to the topic, but ultimately that is where it started and what I mean when I criticize them.

A big part of why its hard for me to talk about is bc I was in multiple call-out posts made public and targeted multiple times by the ppl who started this whole concept. It hurt a lot, I lost a lot of followers and sometimes friends who I thought valued and respected me. And when they shared proof, none of it actually held up.

I'm not trying to say I was always and only ever a victim, there was a lot of toxicity back and forth at times. Twitter is a hard place to discuss complex topics because things get twisted, on both ends, and then its easy to feel defensive. All of us at times made mistakes. But this largely started with yt people targeting BIPOC for our opinions that we were not even asking them to agree with or validate. Only sharing privately, or on our own pages.

It sucked. My friends and I dealt with a lot of actual real time bullying because of it. So I generally don't like talking about or explaining where the term came from, which is why I won't be answering asks about it anymore. I apprecoate that everyone wants to understand what I mean and will see abt a general faq including it, but this will hopefully serve as an easy response I can link to later.

[wonder2realities]

You never mentioned you were disabled in your original reply to that ask. It’s also not on your pinned post. How in the world were they supposed to know that the response came from a disabled person? And before you say you’ve mentioned it on your blog before (which I have no idea if you have or not) how do you know they would have seen it? They most likely found your response through the notes on the ask post. And just FYI, you can educate someone without calling them “icky” or degrading them in any manner. They asked if the way they thought was bad, you could have said yes and explained why instead of calling them icky and assuming they would know your disabled. At the end of the day it’s just a damn opinion on the matter. Opinion is not fact just because it came from someone in the group in question.

so much to unpack this is insane im losing my mind this is gonna be a long ass response

op was geniune, i gave my opinion saying its a bit icky - thats not degrading??? i never called them an ableist, never said they were an awful person, i said in my opinion i think its icky - i didnt even direct it towards the person. i never said "youre an awful person for doing that." - i literally said "its moreso the fact that scripting out disabilities is icky"...

please point to the degrading. point to the meanness and evilness, the harshness...point to it. unless the person who originally made the ask to that confessions acc wants to come into my dms or my inbox and say they were personally offended, i really dont see how it could be degrading. maybe its the alexithymia but i dont see it, i dont get it.

ive talked abt being disabled on this blog frequently, literally i make a blog at least once a week talking abt being autistic : even if they were unable to find that out and assumed i was not disabled then they can simply take my opinion as something else i wouldnt care as much about that however i literally MENTIONED THAT YOU CAN SEARCH UP AND ASK DISABLED PEOPLE AND LOOK INTO SIMILAR DISCOURSE because then youd be able to see it from different perspectives as the term disabled is a large umbrella term. so i not only said my opinion as a disabled person who has frequently talked abt being autistic and has literally made blogs talking abt keeping my disabilities in my drs but i also gave advice on where to find other perspectives that will go more into detail of why disabled people dont feel comfortable with the whole "heal everyone!! we're gonna heal all disabilities to save them!!" mindset.

you have no right to say whether an opinion is a "fact" or not when your opinion on the topic is automatically invalid because you arent disabled - dont try to pull that shit on me when you know for a fact that being disabled means that id have more of an understanding on the social aspect of what its like to be disabled...because i experience it and i wont let any ablebodied person or any neurotypical person try to speak over me on that. also, ive mentioned im autistic AND have physical disabilities multiple times on here - even if its not mentioned in my original post i quite literally said if youre confused you can look into discourse regarding the whole "disabled people cant be in fantasy because fantasy = utopia which = everyone being healthy" thing because there are disabled people who have talked abt this multiple times and in my eyes there are similarities to that and the idea of scripting out disabled people because they have similar reasons.

also if youre who i think you are aka the person who deactivated the second i responded : if youre able to go that far into my blog to find a post where i said i was gonna go on a social media detox - you wouldve been able to find a post on me talking abt being autistic because i literally made a post a FEW DAYS AGO talking abt being a blk autistic.

^ incase u dont believe me for whatever reason, this was literally 2 days ago.

also im not an educator never claimed to eductae the person i gave an opinion - it is not my job to educate people. you are twisting a small paragraph of me saying "scripting out disabilities is a bit icky" into me being this harsh and awful person because i...didnt write an essay educating the person when i never claimed to educate them in the first place????

and again, i never attacked op the only person i attacked (which could be u if ure that account but im too lazy to do the whole "finding out whos behind the anon ask" thing) was the person who randomly responded to me, went through my entire blog to find a post of me saying i deleted twt for a social media detox and painted it as if im this limited person who "doesnt believe shifting is limitless and has a bad mindset" (which is insane???)

so to conclude this

speaking over disabled people where someone is asking disabled people for their opinion is weird. dont come into my inbox with this weird shit, unless its an apology because this is slowly creeping into ableism territory (before u even try to argue that its not - downplaying a disabled persons opinion on a topic that revolves around being disabled and speaking over them to then try to disregard their opinion being going "just because youre apart of a group doesnt mean your opinion is a fact" is insane. that is insane. call me crazy, idc thats insane.)

[coldercreation]

skdjaks im catching up on ur recent posts cuz ive been inactive on tumblr, and i came across the one where u and some ppl in the replies lament on loving the idea of relationships but never developing crushes rlly and finding it hard to date and whatnot, and damn i relate. i was gonna comment but i wanna stay anon for now, so i am in ur inbox instead huhu. but yh i deal w the same thing, ppl have had crushes on me before, but ive never once returned them? and like even if i find someone attractive as far as i know that doesn’t translate to wanting to bone… blech. i was talking to my friend abt this yesterday, and i was telling her that maybe ill try just going on dates and figure out how i tick?? general research has led me to id as demi after contemplating ace when i was like 13 so,,, who knows rlly. tldr i am similar and i get being confused abt it H

Ohh this is so interesting actually! Like, I genuinely wasn't expecting that so many of you would relate when I wrote that post??🤔 Obviously I knew that there's no way that I'm the only one on this whole planet, but still, seems a lot more common than what I had thought!

I'd like to think that it's very much okay to be confused by these kinds of things, no matter how frustrating it can also be. That's pretty much what I've been telling myself recently. Even if I'd like to find someone I really connect with and to have a relationship, there's no rush or need to force anything immediately just for the sake of it. Maybe it can even be fun to explore with time, and to figure out those things that will make us tick?

For me it's probably more about working on my social life in general than about anything else. Especially since the apps clearly don't do it for me and there's not really any other ways to meet new people. But I'm kinda feeling optimistic about it, mostly because I've been enjoying being social so much more lately!

Thank you for sharing love! This topic has been so interesting and I've enjoyed hearing everyone's experiences xx

///

Huge RAMBLE warning lmao:

I actually brought this topic up in therapy after we chatted about it here, kinda just theorised about it while trying to make sense of it all. My/our conclusion was that, for me, it could stem from ✨trauma✨ and needing a lot of time to truly open up/warm up to people (demi?/trust issues/hyper-independence). And since the societal norm is to often move a lot faster than that, I haven't even had the time to see the possible connection/spark/whatever in people, because they've already deducted, based on me having been very cautious and closed off, that I'm not interested, and so they moved on. Which in turn could've made me feel unwanted or uninteresting or unattractive or even abandoned, y'know? So I'd be left confused, feeling like there was something wrong and unattractive? about me, while also wondering why I'm never actually interested in anyone even though I've always longed for those deep connections with people.

Nowadays I've been feeling a lot lighter and... open? I guess, and I can genuinely see a change in the way people approach me? Or maybe they've always approached me the same way but I just wasn't able to be receptive to it🤔 Dunno! But there must've been some sort of micro-visible behavioural shift in me or something, because as soon as I have started to feel like I can and want to seek out people's company and I genuinely enjoy it, people are just... suddenly there? Whereas before there was this void?? Even when I tried to change that.

And despite me not having met anyone specific I'd be interested in dating, I have felt like I could actually do it now if the right person came along. (When I tried dating through apps years ago I felt like I was forcing it. It was very surface level and short lived, didn't feel... right?) And with that 'shift', or whatever it is that's changed in my behaviour??? I've literally been dodging date invites this past year like it's a sport???? Like tf?😭😂 This is mind boggling to someone who has for years thought that no one just gives a shit about me and there's something so unattractive about me that that's why no one shows any interest... But I think it really is a lot to do with some strange subtle messages that were given off? (and maybe also me leaving the house sometimes lmao....) I believe I wrote it in one of the more brainy stories as well, maybe CYE?, that if someone's whole body language, subconsciously or not, screams 'leave me the fuck alone', people are likely to leave them alone. And if we're not aware that that's the message we're giving off, it can very easily make us feel confused and like something's inherently wrong with us.

But then again, I don't think I would've been ready for anything like this a few years back, so perhaps the brains are smarter than we think and know that it takes time to heal. My therapist agreed that not having crushes could be due to so many things, but what I was saying did track to him. Slow to warm up/demi? + (social) anxiety + trauma are a hell of a combo when it comes to building new relationships. No matter why I'm not having crushes easily, he told me to take it easy on myself and to be understanding; after dealing with mental health crap and trauma for most of my life, it'd be very unreasonable to compare myself to the societal 'standards' or expect myself to do things in the same phase as other people are. Like, I had other shit to deal with growing up, so maybe I'm just now feeling like I'm ready to be myself, and it's okay to take things slow.

(And while writing that, speaking about people suddenly being there when before I felt like no matter what I tried, I was struggling to connect with people; I just got a thank you text from someone I helped at work when they were upset about something, and they said they'd love to see me (this one is in a friend way, not a date way) outside of work sometime as well :((((( is it weird if I cry lmaooo) xx

[live-love-laugh-lesbian]

hi hi hii sorry ive been a bit busy but i love talking to you <33

ooh gift giving day is coming closerrr i lowkey hope you like yours ajsjfjdjc

fun fact: i listened to story of us for the first time today?!??? i know im crazy ajdjejsjd such a fan i am

alsoo while we are on the topic of my little pony ajdjrjs whats your favourite character?

herbal tea is soo good and chamomile tea after a hard dayy soo reall unfortunately i cant function properly without coffee so i prefer coffee ajdjfjsjf but tea is definitely more calming and probably more healthy for me lmao

see, i would pick master any instrument bc im not a sporty person andjdjs im more into music been learning it since i was 6 and i own an acoustic guitar which i would love to be able to play barre chords on but tbf the main instrument id like to master is ELECTRIC GUITARSSSS omg im obsessed w electric guitars theyre absolutely loml any character that plays them will forever be my favourite character electric guitars are SO HOT sorry im very passionate abt them i would love to be able to play some sick riffs on an electric guitar (also they just overall look so cool omg akdkejsjd) ive always wanted to learn electric guitar since i was a kid or like a bass 😍😍

anywayss amdjeksjd what would you pick? and my question for you: if you could pursue 3 careers what would they be? (if you dont mind sharing) alsoo cats or dogs? and sky blue or baby pink?

-swiftie spring exchange anon

Hello again! Is ok, no need to apologise! I'm enjoying talking to you as well! (Also low key shocked you only just heard that song the other day?? I swear it was everywhere at one point XD)

I'm sure I will like mine!! I am stressing over if my person will like theirs tho XD

My favourite MLP character is Rainbow Dash, but I'm a fan of Applejack too. I like the dynamics Applejack has with everyone, whilst with Rainbow Dash I think she's just super cool. How can I not love a rainbow pegasus??

Pfft sometimes coffee confuses me because everyone I know who drinks it seems to drink it for the caffeine...do people actually like coffee itself, or is it the caffeine? I'm mostly joking but also very confused XD And ooh...honestly electric guitars are very cool. I don't know why but they're just always associated with cool for whatever reason?? Electric instruments fascinate me however. Like what we make electric vs what we don't...imagine an electric violin. Or a flute. A recorder XD Idk but basically I can see why you'd pick that!! It's really cool you can do the guitar! I am terrible with music (I tried to learn the violin as a kid...I broke part of it on the very first day, panicked, and tried to fix it with superglue. It...sorta worked, enough so that I managed to just keep quiet about it until I turned 18 and was well away from consequences regarding breaking it lol.)

I think personally I'd like to go sports, but opportunities are low where I am, so it feels a bit wasted :( So maybe music? Ideally sports, especially anything that lets me go super fast. ALSO I want to be able to swim. And currently I uh cannot. And keep failing at trying to learn. Oh well.

Okay so 3 careers...I feel like I'm gonna be a bit vague here. First is my ideal career of "something that helps children with special educational needs". Whether that's like, support in schools, or making sure schools provide the right support, idk. Second...probably something medical? When I was younger I had wanted to study medicine at uni. I did not in the end but yeah! Helping out in the medical industry would be fun. And third...an animator! I've not got the patience for it tho XD What about you??

And cats!! I have two, one of which is sleeping beside the computer and the other is currently climbing over the keyboard and trying to sit on my arms. She is very helpful (sarcasm) but I love her so she gets away with everything XD You? And unsure on the pink vs blue...probably blue? In general I prefer warm colours to cool colours, but if I look around I have more blue things than pink things so maybe blue is the exception?

And last but not least, my question to you: of the four elements, air, water, fire and earth, which would you most like to be able to control?

[fuckimsoft]

DSMP One Shots Because I Can

Chapter two: "tubeloved: Please Stop the Music"

Summary: Modern day AU chatfic chapter where Wilbur psychoanalyzes everyone with sad songs because that's how he shows love :) (rewrite of the very first oneshot I posted because I know I can do so much better then that)

Written by: @ verified_dumbass on ao3 and @ fuckimsoft on tumblr

and just so no ones confused-

Technoblade = Techno (ofc)

Jay Dee = Wilbur

Thesesus = Tommy

tubeloved = Tubbo

ranbeloved = Ranboo

Crow Father = Philza

Swaggers (botboy) = Discord music bot

----

sleepy bois (ft. tubbo) (ft. ranboo now too ig)

Jay Dee: guys. Jay Dee: guys, I have important news.

tubeloved: Oh tubeloved: ?

Jay Dee: I found so many new songs.

Technoblade: Wilbur, you find so many new song every other day.

Jay Dee: NO BUT THESE ARE SO GOOD

Thesesus: Id like to here abt the music

ranbeloved: I too would like to hear about it :)

Thesesus: Shut up Ranboo

ranbeloved: :(

Thesesus: No one asked u

tubeloved: Tommy >:( tubeloved: Be nice

Jay Dee: ok, getting back on topic- the songs.

Jay Dee started a voice call

Jay Dee: everyone join the vc

ranbeloved joined the vc

Thesesus joined the vc

tubeloved joined the vc

Technoblade joined the vc

Jay Dee: phil

Jay Dee: phil

Jay Dee: Phil

Jay Dee: @Phil

Jay Dee: @Philza

Jay Dee: @philza

Jay Dee: for the love of god, what did you all change Phil's name to now?

tubeloved:  @Crow Father

Jey Dee: why??

Thesesus: Crow Father

ranbeloved: Crow Father

tubeloved: Crow Father

Crow Father: What's up?

ranbeloved: THE CROW FATHER HAS ARIVED

tubeloved: CAW CAW CAW CAW

Jay Dee: join vc.

Crow Father joined the vc

Jay Dee: /play [playlist.mp3]

Swaggers (botboy): Now playing... July, by Noah Cyrus.

Thesesus: Its May bitch

Jay Dee: I know Jay Dee: now shut up and listen to the music. Jay Dee: this one kinda reminded me of you :)

Thesesus: Oh Thesesus: Okay

[2 minutes, 36 seconds later]

Thesesus: AWW Thesesus: AWWWW :(

Crow Father: That was so sad

Jay Dee: it's not my fault my Spotify only recommends me crying music Jay Dee: or that Tommy's a Sad Little Boy

Thesesus: IIM NOT A LITTLE BIY Thesesus: FUCJ U BITCH

ranbeloved: haha L

Swaggers (botboy): Now playing... As A Child, by Madeline the Person.

Jay Dee: Tubbo, this one reminded me of u.

Crow Father: Please its already so sadfghj

tubeloved: :0 tubeloved: Oh thus is sad

[3 minutes, 10 seconds later]

Technoblade: Bruh

tubeloved: Please Stop the Music tubeloved: Ur making me sad :(

Thesesus: Welcome to the club big man

Swaggers (botboy): Now playing... Secret For The Mad, by Dodie Clark.

Jay Dee: be more happy, maybe. Jay Dee: OH TECHNO

Technoblade: Nope.

Technoblade left the vc.

Jay Dee: aww man. Jay Dee: well, might as well- Jay Dee: /skip

Swaggers (botboy): Skipped to next song! Swaggers (botboy): Now playing... Elsa's Song, by The Amazing Devil.

tubeloved: So whos the next victim

Jay Dee: Oh, Ranboooo :)

ranbeloved: oh no

Crow Father: Ripp

[2 minutes, 41 seconds later]

ranbeloved: o h ranbeloved: .,_,.

Crow Father: Welp, that was an experience

Jay Dee: don't think it's over yet, Philza Minecraft! Jay Dee: you aren't off the hook too!

Crow Father: *siiiiigh* Crow Father: Right then, let's get this over with.

Swaggers (botboy): Now playing... Hidden In The Sand, by Tally Hall.

Technoblade joined the vc.

ranbeloved: ?

Technoblade: I like this song.

[1 minute, 52 seconds later]

Crow Father: awe mate Crow Father: maaaate

tubeloved: Well Wilbur u managed to make everyone cry

Technoblade: Not me.

tubeloved: Yeah bc u fucking LEFT

Technoblade: And?

Thesesus: I DIDNT CRY SHITTEAD

Jay Dee: lmao you literally did. Jay Dee: I gave you a hug and everything.

ranbeloved: awww :)

Thesesus: FUCK YOU FUCJ U FUCK YUOFUCK YOU

tubeloved: Man I didn't get a hug :(

Technoblade: You only live right down the road.

tubeloved: Is Technoblade offering to give me a hug??????? :0000000000 THE Technoblade?????? Warming up to me??????????????

Technoblade: No, I'm volunteering literally anyone else in my family. Technoblade: If you try to hug me you die.

tubeloved: I think he's warming up to me :)

ranbeloved: Can I have a hug too?

Jay Dee: you live across town tho?

ranbeloved: i can run

Crow Father: What?

ranbeloved: im omw now ranbeloved: be there in loke 5

tubeloved: YESSS RUN RANBOO RUN tubeloved: I WILL GIVE U SUCH BIG HUG >:)

ranbeloved: :D h gln

Thesesus: h gln?

ranbeloved: sorry I had to dodge a car

Crow Father: W H A T

tubeloved: BELOEVD???

multiple people are typing...

----

thank you for reading!! if u liked this please like and rb, it really makes my day :) remember to drink water, take ur meds if u need to, take a break from ur binder if uve been wearing one for a while, and stay safe <3

taglist: @fruggin-bitch @notdingalingalingalingrita

[softskiesahead-moved]

hihi!!!! u dont need to answer this or anything ;;;;; !!! and im sorry abt being awkward when trying to reach out but id be super pleased to hear abt the moments u referenced in ur tags in the other post !!! u guys r a really cute ship!!! ig I just ;;; wanted to say that idk ;;;

sorry if this is a bother! i still dk how much to reach out to people ;;

- august! (:

hello !! aaa thank you so much for this august and i'm sorry in advance because this got,,, so so long. but this isn't a bother at all and i was really really excited to write about this actually !! thank you!!

these all take place in the main au I use, which is sort of canon compliant? I’m not really sure how to explain it but these moments are meant to sort of fit in with the storyline of thh in some way. they should sort of make sense on their own though ^^;;

1 )

aya finds chihiro having a panic attack in the kitchen…while also kind of having a panic attack.

this happens right after everyone is shown their motivation videos, so there’s ample reason to be panicking at this point ;;;

this is the first time they interact beyond their introductions, so everything is a bit awkward but they try their best to calm the other down!! somewhere along the line they succeed and decide to try and de-stress by baking something for everyone together and venting about their anxieties.

the importance of this moment lies in how aya and chihiro’s dynamic in thh is a bit odd at first; because in reality, them falling in love was very much a close friends/lovers slow burn. it happened throughout the first few years of attending hope’s peak together.

but after they lose their memory of being together and are essentially strangers, the trust and comfort level they had around each other is still unconsciously there somehow and strangely, they both get the sense that they have met before!!

it’s SO confusing to them ;; neither of them are the type to easily make connections and both take a very long time to open up and be truly comfortable around others. they’re completely perplexed as to why they’re suddenly ok with sharing their deepest insecurities and biggest secrets to someone that they think they’ve only known for about a week.

the baking session is almost like a catch-up because after this event, they become close so quickly and share so much more about themselves than they would ever normally reveal.

it gets to the point that when one of them just somehow ‘knows’ something or remembers a preference that was never shared, they don’t even question it until they learn the truth.

2 )

this one is adapted from chihiro’s first free time event (sorry makoto)

aya notices that something is bothering chihiro and asks them if something happened, prompting them to tell her about the mosquito and that the bite hurts a lot.

she tells them that they might have something that could help and produce a first aid kit with a medication inside. cue very soft taking care of an injury (I guess?) scene !! chihiro asks them why they even had the kit. aya tells them about how her siblings were very daring, so she got into the habit of carrying one around to help if they got hurt and that she’s pretty careless too, so it comes in handy!! it kind of hints at something aya is dealing w/ as well, but that's kind of a sensitive topic to go into.

they note that most of the bandages are gone and remark about finding somewhere to replenish it. the rest of the conversation is mostly them talking about their families to each other and where in the school a mosquito could have possibly resided!! (aya is so excited at the prospect of a garden, but they're both more excited that it could mean a possible way out!

3 )

aya was pretty distressed from the beginning of the game, but everything gets very bad after the first class trial. it starts to become very noticeable that they are Not Doing Ok.

at some point they end up missing role call and so some of the class nervously goes her dorm, really hoping that aya hasn’t become the 4th victim.

they haven’t!! it turns out that they just kind of had a breakdown. she admits that they haven’t been able to sleep for days, so they spaced out and thought it was still nighttime.

which is very concerning because she’s exhausted and scared to leave their dorm because they’ll be punished if they fall asleep somewhere else. chihiro says they’ve had trouble too, then very very shyly suggests that they share a dorm the same way sakura and aoi do. aya says yes, but she’s not really sure if it will help so at first they mostly hang out. ^^

aya asks them a bit about coding because they like listening to chihiro happily explain what they’re doing on their computer and she’s trying to pay attention but soon aya just kind of,,, softly falls asleep on them.

they feel safe enough to rest around chihiro but they can’t place why and honestly? she’s way too tired to care.

chihiro is surprised for a moment but eventually they fall asleep too and they take a long nap together. they wake up profusely blushing and apologizing but very happy that the other finally got some rest :)

this event sort of marks the beginning of the relationship in thh! they keep it secret, but it’s clear to the others that they became pretty inseparable once they started sharing a dorm.

[strawberry-siren]

okay to get into the tumblr spirit, im going to tell you all about my crush. i literally havent had a crush in so long lmfao

okayyy so i met this girl named annie on tindr about 3-4 weeks ago or something like that. we talked for like a week and we were vibing sending each other memes and stuff and then she wanted to go on a date :-). So she lives abt an hour south from me, so i suggested IKEA because it’s 30 min drive from both of us and ikea is v fun even though ive only been there (2) times (once before our date lmfaoo).

 I told her i’d buy her a stuffed shark. and so we went to ikea and ate food and then went on our shark hunt and had like a really fun time. and she was like “so do you want to do something else or are you tired now??” and i was like “well i have nothing better to do so...” sdgfdjgksl lmfao im very romantic as you can tell. We ended up going to my house to “watch a movie” and we literally... watched the movie. i thought we were just gonna make out, but I think she wanted me to initiate and im like hella shy, but also like the confident type at the same time. and it was a terrible christmas movie. like even as far as romcom christmas movies go. so we were cuddling and making fun of it the whole time. then as like the credits were rolling I asked if i could kiss her and then we kissed?? and then like idk talked about more stupid stuff and made out for a little bit and then it was hella late and she had to drive an hour home. and i walked her to her car and gave her a kiss goodbye.

SO it seems like it’s going well, right? 

Here’s more backstory:

-Before we met up, she PAINTED me for one of her finals in her painting classes..

-After the date, she was sending me selfies w the shark and we had a snapstreak (i hadnt even added her on snapchat before the date. we just texted.)

-I asked if we could go on another date after finals and she said “i’d really like that!”

okay............ so the week of finals. i worked all week, and I got off on a thursday so basically everyone is done with all their finals. So I snapped her and was like “hey wanna get food this weekend? In (your city)” bc i didnt want to make her drive all the way down bc her car is hella expensive to gas up. but she LEFT ME ON READ....... and in my mind im like WTF??? and like we met on tinder so i’m like Ok...im getting ghosted?? What the hell? like i thought she liked me? and she broke our streak. She literally invited herself over to my house? And she kept saying she had to leave so id be like okay... u should leave now! then she like wouldnt she’d start a new topic and stayed longer... so i was like lowkey upset. like usually i dont expect much from tindr dates because it’s like lmao tindr. but we literally WERE VIBING. so i got drunk and sad and went to bed at 9pm. 

Now it must be over? but obviously not bc im on tumblr writing this. 

Soooo then when i wake up, I have a snap from her. And shes like “i’ve been talking to hanna again and i’m really confused about my feelings and i dont think i’m in a place to date right now. i should have been honest earlier im sorry.” or something like that. it sounded like she was getting back together w/ hanna. and so i was like?? oh lmao.

So i was like “that’s fine we can be friends!” and shes like “i thought you didnt “do” friends” and i was like “lmao i never said that i have a few friends ive made off tindr including an old roommate. i just said i wasnt friends w my exes” (which we.. are not lmfao). sooo anyways thru some convos ive had since then shes NOT w Hanna. but im sad because she still calls me like cute, babe, etc, etc and like says stuff like “all the people ive been attracted to have been jerks... except u” and like i’d be like “lol idk if i wanna be a thot, but i’m bored/lonely” and she’s like “i’d cuddle w you if i was up north” (she went to southern utah for christmas)..... uhhhh :( wtf.. Make It Make Sense...

But also I kissed (3) girls since our date LMFAO. one was after a date and then the other two i was just drunk AF on my 21st birthday. which is a wild story in of itself. anyways.... yeah. now we have a like 18 day snap streak which is so long? but also I SHOULD give up on her, but she keeps giving me hope at the same time...? She also just likes validation, but I want to date her :( anyways, i just like her. 

[thesean]

Change

Rating: General Audience Warnings: None. Mild language. Characters: Todoroki Shouto, Iida Tenya Relationship: Todoroki Shouto/Iida Tenya Tags: Pro Heroes, Mutual Pining, Reunions, Past Feelings Resolved, they both have gay panic, they’re pro heroes and gay what r u gonna do abt it Language: English Word Count: 1771 read on ao3 for optimal reading experience

Summary:

Change comes naturally to everyone, of course he should expect this, especially of Tenya Iida. He always changed in U.A. Experience, tragedy, and life all factors to it. So he should expect it now more than ever.

Or

It's been 10 years since they've graduated and only now do they talk again.

There are many things that’s changed since he attended U.A. One of those things being the simple fact he hasn’t seen the man standing before him since graduating all those years ago. It’s strange, he thinks, how close they once were only to be swept away by the complications of their lives.

Things have changed. He’s changed.

Tenya Iida has changed in the way he holds himself, radiating confidence, passion, and warmth. He sees it now in the way he holds out his hand for Shouto to grab on to as he pulls him away from the interviewers. He sees it in the way he still remembers how easily overwhelmed he would get around people and how he grins, a look in his eyes saying “you’ll be fine now.”

Iida’s changed in the way that he projects himself, once brimming with energy and no control over how loud he was, he’s now mellow and quieter. Shouto wonders briefly if something happened that caused him to become this way.

Iida’s changed in the way he looks and sounds; back in high school, he’d always been muscular, but now it seems he’s really bulked up, perhaps due to how tall he is now. That’s another thing, Iida is now… so much taller than he is. Before, they’d been pretty close in height but now Shouto has to look up at him to talk to him. His voice has gotten so much deeper, too, but still so full of passion despite how much quieter he’s gotten.

Iida’s changed in the way that a scar runs up his neck and to his chin. In the way there’s a cut in his right eyebrow. In the way he’s not wearing glasses anymore, (must be contacts, he concludes.) In the way his lips tug upwards into a smile when he notices Shouto been staring.

Oh fuck.

He’s been staring.

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” Iida starts and Shouto is so thankful he didn’t make a comment on him staring.

“Yeah… uh… sorry for not… texting you or anything. I lost all my old contacts.” Still as useless in a conversation as ever, with a side of anxiety over the fact it’s been ten years and wow Iida’s kinda handsome. No, he’s very handsome.

“Oh! That’s understandable, I doubt I would have been able to respond much anyways. The transition stage of me becoming the head of the Idaten Agency has been hectic. I’ve been keeping tabs on how everyone’s doing with their own careers though, so you don’t have to go into too much detail about how everything’s going for you if you don’t want to.”

Of course he’s that considerate that he’s kept track of the old class’s progress. Of course he tells him he doesn’t have to talk about his work life. Of course …

Stupid… handsome… Iida with his stunning eyes and radiant smile. Dammit.

What’s going on here? He thought he got over those feelings he harbored for him years ago. And they’re resurfacing? He would love to hit his feelings back so they don’t invade his thoughts so suddenly.

Or get swallowed up by the earth. Either one is fine.

“Yeah uh… it’s… been going okay. I guess. Just… doing what I have to do…”

Iida nods and smiles that full smile again and Shouto can’t help but look away, he’s afraid if he looks any more he will most definitely be red and Iida will most definitely notice and ask what’s wrong and he doesn’t want that.

“That’s good to hear!” Iida places his hands on his hips and he gives a curt nod, “Well, I should be heading back to give a report about today’s incident. It was nice talking to you again!”

“You too.”

Shouto almost has half the heart to ask Iida to stay a little longer, to catch up more, but by the time he opens his mouth to speak, he’s gone. Ah, that’s something that never changed. Tenya Iida was, and will always be, fast. Fast to start a conversation, fast to warm up to, fast to run, and fast to leave. One moment he’s in your life and the next he’s not.

How strange…

It’s not until he gets back to his home that he gets a text from an unknown number.

(  Missed working with you. :]  ) 1m.

(  This is Tenya Iida btw.  ) 40s.

(  I should have started with that, shouldn’t I?  ) 5s.

Shouto had forgotten how quick Iida was when it came to sending texts. Nonetheless, the corner of his lips twitched upwards as he started to text his response after saving him to his contacts.

(  yeah same  )

(  wasnt expecting 2 see u tbh  )

(  u rlly saved me  )

(  also i missed u 2 has it rlly been 10 yrs  )

(  Time seems to fly when we’re busy!  )

(  And it’s not a problem.  )

(  We should head somewhere to

 catch up some time.                    )

(  id like that  )

(  where?  )

(  There’s a cafe near my agency.  )

(  It just opened so I was intending on trying it.  )

     -   Tenya🏃 has shared a location    -

(  sounds good  )

(  Great! When would a good time be for you?  )

(  any times fine  )

(  How does Sunday at 1pm sound?  )

(  works for me  )

(  Alright! See you then! :]  )

Shouto stares at the screen, squinting. He pauses, brows furrowing. Did… Did Iida ask him out? Is that what just happened? No, no he’s just reading into it too much is all. Yeah, that’s it, just what his stupid subconscious wants him to believe.

His stupid subconscious also thinks Iida is stupidly handsome.

How is he going to survive this outing?

The answer is simple: he’s not. He’s standing outside of the cafe, hand hovering over the door, and the worst part is he’s late.

He lets out a breath and swings to door open. Once inside he starts to scan the room for Iida. Oh. There he is. He’s waving him down enthusiastically, arms swinging stiffly and Shouto thinks to himself There’s the Iida I knew .

He makes his way and sits down across from him, glancing around every so often should there be any fans or something.

There’s that look in Iida’s eyes again, the one that says “you’ll be okay.” And Shouto really wasn’t ever able to figure out how Iida read him so easily despite the fact his expression hardly ever changed. (That’s a fact he’s been made very aware of through the years.)

“Sorry for being late. I got lost.” Not a lie. He did get lost.

“That’s okay! You’re here now, so that’s what matters!”

Oh, that’s something else that’s changed. Shouto was sure he would’ve gotten a light scolding about punctuality but… huh… That’s… weird . He doesn’t know what he thinks about this Iida. The Iida he knew wouldn’t let it go by until he got it through his head.

“You’ve… changed.”

Iida seems to deflate at this and Shouto kicks himself in his mind.

“Ah… yes well, things have happened over the past few years. I suppose I’ve become more “relaxed” than I was back at U.A. It’s proven to be efficient for Idaten to work together better.”

Yeah no he… regrets saying that.

And still, Iida continues, “I suppose another factor is from my runin with a villain.”

“Is… Did you get the scar from that?” Another insensitive question, he realizes after it leaves his mouth.

“Yes. It was when I had just taken over the Idaten Agency. Unfortunately my teammates didn’t see eye to eye in how I lead things which lead to us getting distracted from the mission, they made it clear to me that Tensei and I have very different ways of leading which I was well aware of when taking the position. It was an eye-opening experience, to say the least. It’s been… difficult. But it’s nothing I can’t overcome.”

Still as stubborn as ever, it seems that hasn’t changed which is something Shouto’s glad for. It’s strange, he realizes, Iida has changed so much and yet he’s still as socially awkward as ever. It’s almost like he’s talking to a stranger.

He doesn’t like that.

“Oh… that’s rough.”

Iida clears his throat and nods, looking away, eyes distant and unfocused. He mulls over Iida’s words for a while and- oh… that’s another thing that hasn’t changed, unfortunately. It still seems he’s living in the shadow of his brother’s legacy, and that his sidekicks made it a permanent reminder of this in the form of scar is…

It makes him mad.

“Your brother’s probably really proud of you.”

“He is but… ah, here I am… We haven’t spoken in ten years and I am already airing all my grievances to you.” He almost seems ashamed of this and it makes Shouto’s heart ache for him.

“I don’t mind… We use to do it a lot. So I can… I understand.”

They’re virtually strangers but in this moment, Shouto feels 15 again, sitting in a hospital bed, feet away from Iida as he listens to the test results on his hand and how they talked for what feels like eternity.

“Thank you but… Still, it’s hardly fair of me to lay this all out on you but-” he cuts himself off mid-sentence as if just realizing something.

Shouto looks at him confused.

“Ah… I just realized.”

“What?”

“I asked you out on a date, didn't I? This is a date.”

Shouto opens his mouth. Oh, wow, what a real curveball that sentence was. Of everything he was expecting out of Iida’s mouth it was not that. The topic really took a 180 there.

“S-sorry! Ah, I didn’t mean to jump that on you. I… It was- I mean, that’s to say. I didn’t mean to say that out loud. I mean, that was highly inappropriate of me, I should probably go. It’s been 10 years. What was I thinking? I’m so sorry T-”

“Shut up.”

Iida shuts up, going rigid, standing completely still and… is he holding his breath?

“Breathe.”

He breathes.

“Let’s… start over…”

Iida gives him a confused look and watches as he stands up, holds out his hand, and looks up at him.

“I’m Shouto.”

His large hand envelopes his own, small hand, and he gently shakes it.

“Ii-… Tenya.”

“I wouldn’t mind… if this is a date.”

“You wouldn’t?”

“I… I liked you, a lot, in high school.”

“... I did too.”

“Oh.”

“Indeed.”

“We were kinda stupid back then.”

“Utter delinquents.”

“Yeah, “I’m gonna hunt down and kill the hero killer”.”

“That’s not fair.”

“I never said I liked people who followed the rules.”

“Point taken…”

And that’s enough… This will be enough for him.

[borgevino]

aforementioned processing post. extremely long

this is an attempt to make sense of the timing of the alfred series of events. since it’s been so unremittingly awful and i’d really like to track it from the beginning.

dramatis personae (names changed)

my team: samuel (lead, great, v similar to me), irina (instructional associate (IA) like me, love her), dave (another IA, isn’t quite on the same wavelength as the rest of us bc he doesn’t know us like we knew each other already but a good guy nonetheless)

other team: alfred (lead, already doesn’t get along with samuel, they try to get along but it doesn’t work), matthew (also a full instructor, tries very hard but in the wrong direction, a cat who needs herding), zachary (an IA, one of my former classmates)

calvin & lev: TAs, former classmates

chris & betsy: managers

Mar 8

alfred wants to know if I’ll be his IA

Mar 14-15

I spend some time going back & forth about the IA position

Initial interview

convo with samuel about TA vs IA. samuel “if you want my advice, TA, this would give you the chance to debug and always be coding while you have the daytime to work on applications etc”

talked to irina about what the team would look like

Mar 16

interview with chris

talked with samuel about lectures & so on. he wasn’t sure if id be on his team but chris was pretty sure

alfred forwards me a job posting that one of his recruiters sent him, I have to let him know that I’m taking the IA job with GA

Mar 20 - 26 – planning week

starts off well

couple of times throughout the week there are some warning signs, most notably alfred asking me to come and teach responsive design

in fact alfred asked a couple of times for us to go in and teach some lectures in their class without offering to come in and teach with us at all

another iffy moment was that alfred was out both thurs and fri

zachary started stressing out around this time also

my team was all set with planning and so on but theirs was much less settled in any kind of real way

we planned our schedule, we sent it to zachary, zachary passed it on to alfred

overheard alfred say on a remote call with zachary and matthew that they had to “be careful” copying what ada cohort was doing

alfred still seemed obsessed with the idea of collaboration

samuel gets stuck on installfest concept for a couple days

i get stuck on assessment concept for a couple days

Mar 27 - Apr 2 – week 1

student from alfred’s class asked on the first day to be switched to our class, which sort of immediately set the tone for the rest of the course. said she liked our vibe better and liked samuel’s teaching style.

samuel & i discussed it some on tues

samuel: But, it was very validating in a way to see that our fears that we share were picked up on after we literally just said a 5 minute hello. We have an awesome team and it just sucks that I think we all basically refuse to work with the other side.

me: & i have some thoughts abt the other thing as well (we can discuss) but i think it boils down to, our definition of working together & theirs are pretty different (wrt the time involvement required, the purpose behind collaboration, etc.). i’d be fine to work with them if it was on our terms but idt it would be

alfred mentions on tues that he’d like to meet more frequently, sets up a meeting for wed. samuel is not into the idea as one of the things samuel was hoping for from the course was less time in meetings

samuel very stressed wed for no particular reason

“is it ok if i add alfred to our gh.” on thurs

strong talk with samuel on tues or wed about him not taking on too much. eventually did have an effect

Wed meeting with other team to discuss possibility of collaboration. consensus seemed to be one lecture from us over to them and a couple of morning exercises.

thurs morning, alfred says ‘that’s not what i agreed to’ when it clearly was what he had agreed to

alfred: Hey samuel, we’ll get back to you. I want to see how we can all contribute to this for both cohorts. In the meantime can you guys send us the timeslots that we can key into our course tracker for the guest lectures. I need this asap, as I will have to share this with various parties.

samuel: alfred, this is not what we discussed yesterday. I thought we were going to let unit one take it’s course and have j do the planning lesson. And then we’d take a look at unit 2 soon.

matthew: I know we discussed both options and i think the agreement was that for Unit 1 we would begin to cross pollinate with morning exercises for now and for Unit 2 we would discuss where instructors could find opportunities to reteach topics as that approach worked really well last time around

alfred: That’s not what I agreed to. The expectation is to share on all units. For example, if the wire framing is happening In unit 1, I want it to be done in unit 1 and any other lessons that we can all benefit from.

samuel: Yes I agree with matthew, morning exercises and he wireframing.

i taught thurs all day, then went out for drinks with the team, then met with matthew to discuss how i’d done the css lecture, then hung out with friend for a couple of hours

thurs during lunch had walk in the park with samuel where he talked a lot about the situation with alfred. notable: “I have to not lose my cool. …. how do i do that????”

thurs night samuel has the realization that he’s trying to do too much & needs to delegate more, irina & i rejoice. it’s a momentous and great occasion.

during friday internal meeting samuel metnions that he thinks what alfred is doing to him is gaslighting. irina and i sit in the back of the classroom after lunch and nod with strong emphasis along to a psychology today article on gaslighting.

we all four go out for drinks and talk some shit and it’s good.

brief HM reunion; samuel gets to meet ryn; ryn, mimi, jen, & i go out for drinks

Apr 3 - 9 – week 2

talked with calvin & lev for about half an hour after the building closed. theyve noticed that alfred is never around and doesn’t help his students, and that zachary looks totally miserable a lot of the time

zachary is miserable for most of the week, we get lunch on monday and discuss. alfred is reading over his shoulder with messages and shit, sees him trying to send a message to chris about the situation, tells zachary that he should go to him (alfred) first with those types of concerns

i find out that alfred & matthew aren’t grading any homeworks, theyre letting zachary do all of it. and having calvin & lev help out. since they have two instructors compared to one IA this really is not how the work load should balance out

i gave a strong talk about not copying about homework

one of the higher-ups asks me to mentor one of the students in alfred’s class. “maybe she’ll lighten up on matthew and alfred if she gets to talk to J more often” is what i gather the reasoning is.

somewhere in here i have a weird meeting with alfred and zachary for a couple hours to discuss the saturn homework. originally it was meant to be just zachary & i but alfred decided he wanted to sit in and follow along.

becoming clearer and clearer that alfred’s goal is not “help out the students” but “do as little work as possible”.

at some point in this week also i say something along the lines of “we would be happy to collaborate if it were on our terms but it won’t be on our terms so we can’t.” samuel thinks this is extremely correct and mentions the term “rules of engagement”

Apr 10 - 16 – week 3

Tues drama: irina teaches in other classroom, is left on her own to handle unfamiliar students. samuel righteously furious

samuel: Hey fellow instructors/IAs. One of my class’s IAs gave a lecture in your class today. Excellent. While I’m fully confident that she was able to handle it on her own 100%, without a doubt, I’m also very annoyed that she was left completely alone during that lecture. As in, she didn’t even have an IA there in case she needed help during a lab. Moving forward I want to be 100% clear. Under no circumstances will that happen again. I really want everyone’s lives to be less stressful during units 2, 3, and 4, but I’ve made it a point that in my class, I, as an IL, am present for every moment of every lecture. Which is to say, if my amazing colleagues are not afforded the same consideration in your class, they will no longer be guest lecturing there. And this is not because they are IAs. When I, as an IL, am lecturing, I have back-up. So they, deserve it. that scenario honestly boggles my damn mind… as if we didnt insist that IAs were present during our lectures….

matthew: we only meant to step out for few minutes to finalize the project prompt which we needed to deliver immediately after the afternoon lectures and it took a bit longer than expected. That being said I do agree that IA’s should have support at this stage during their lectures and we will make sure that one of our team remains behind to support them…

alfred: Also, a couple of house rules: Lets make sure proper communication and behavior is practiced on this channel. Be respectful and treat individuals the way you would want to be treated. If there are any concerns/confusion, feel free to reach out, but use your judgement on best course of action and tone. Let’s make this pleasant..

samuel & i discussion about it wednesday night

samuel: Was my.message about the not support for irina too abrasive. I think the “damn mind” part went too far. But otherwise did I cross a line in your opinion. I ha EA to work on that and honestly I sent all that when I was wasted lol

me: i genuinely don’t think so, it was strongly worded but you made yourself very clear. and considering the fact that it REALLY shouldn’t have happened i thought the tone was appropriate. might have gone over better in person? is the only thing

matthew seems on verge of quitting

we plan unit 2 and send it to alfred & co. alfred & co intentionally arrange their next unit so that there’s no chance we can collaborate

this is a direct about-face from their previous attitude for no reason??

i help a couple students from their cohort and then tell samuel about it

me: i helped a couple hypatia students

samuel: oooh. you have to be careful about that. if alfred sees you he will be pissed

samuel is not wrong because i did actually check out the floor before i went and helped the students to check and make sure alfred wasn’t going to find me talking to his students but also i hate this concept so much

this is the point whereupon i decide i really cant deal with it

[kosmicdream]

how do like mental disorders and stuff function in the universe? like is it culturally different for each species or it mentally affects each of them differently? or something else entirely? if you dont feel comfy answering this thats ok!

They do! ;_; And I think that things vary depending on species to species cause.. what is considered a disorder in one might just be.. how .. another one.. isss..??? idk. I think this is already treading on awkward territory lmao.Like.. a problem with it is that I often don’t feel.. like.. I have the liberty/ability to disclose/identify specific mental stuff w/ my characters? Its more like.. hypothetical things, that i wonder if that’s part of what’s going on with them. So i cant ever really confirm them.. maybe in the future I’ll feel more comfortable with that? PERSONAL RAMBLINGS BELOW!! BE WARNED BECAUSE I vaguely TALK ABOUT MYSELF! AND CHARACTERS! IN the mental health way PLUS IM AWKWARD ABOUT IT TOO SO ITS GREAT!!

Like.. I do think abt these things a LOT but then it gets into a messy territory as many of them are like.. mirroring MY behaviors or impulses or whatever.. and I don’t know what the HELL is going on with me, honestly. I don’t know how to properly identify my symptoms. so.. I just don’t have an easy time articulating it!! its really goddamn difficult, honestly. my insecurity with my own issues kinda.. naturally carries over to my writing in this way! It vaguely comes down to me not EVER feeling “smart” enough. So i’d rather just.. privately study and try to think about it, without much assurance that I know what I’m doing because I don’t talk about it LOLI feel like i want to avoid parroting misinformed ? uneducated? limited? stereotypes of these things just because i see like.. things that make sense for myself and/or my characters. .__. If that.. makes sense.. sighs… I wanna answer this question as best as i can even though I don’t know how.. AHH..!!! ;_;I think what also sucks about it is that most of my characters are murders and do horribly violent things (thanks everyone u make it so much easier for me e_e) and I really wouldn’t. want.. ppl to infer that “oh its cause.. they’ve got the BRAIN STUFF!!!!! XDD” Or that I just SLAPPED ON A LABEL without really weighing the proper implications. I suppose. Its part of my concerns anyway. Its a difficult thing to navigate when my stories are so brutal, it’d be like another layer of guilt to navigate by choosing to use those labels. lmfao. AND I GOT SO MANY THINGS TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT ALREADY!! GAWD!! I would.. potentially like to be more capable of identifying my characters in these way! Or feeling more confident about them. Because I do think my characters ARE naturally exhibiting things even if Im not.. directly confirming them to the readers? Its something id like to feel more confident about because i think that helps everything. Id like to learn more about myself too! There’s so much vocabulary i feel like I’m missing out on…u_u cries..I guess!! to wrap up!! i will give some examples! don’t take them as like.. ‘fact’? its just some observations or like, in the back of my head as i write these characters. :)XI generally see Randall as exhibiting some ADHD/ADD tendencies.. I can see Spoon relating to some Bi-polar things.. Steal kinda feels like he is autistic..?? Or Rome?? Knife probably suffers from some pretty severe PTSD (that might be the most personal of the bunch to think abt, i as im fairly positive i have PTSD lol).. Crimson has intense dissociation issues.. gestures vaguely. I guess to describe that as something crimson experiences is way easier than saying like.. “Spoon is Bipolar.“ you know? (i also know i dissociate like a motherfuck so like thats easier for me to say crim does that too cuz i try 2 articulate those experiences in.. that character…yes..) Spoon makes everything complicated so i can’t rly disclose the reasons for his diagnosis.. thing… Eh. actually, All of these are very personal.. rubs face and stares at myself in the mirror WHO AM I INSIDE.. WHO!!!!!!!! Those are some off the top of my head! I’m not sure if they’ll even ‘click’/make sense but??? There’s some of my confused thoughts about the topic. I AM A PRETTY uncomfortable To talk about it but i also honestly want to try talk about it too!!! so that’s why i bothered to answer as best as i could.. hope you appreciate my attempt at least. :’) thanks for reading!

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully. 

[dragimal]

Sexuality is not Sustainable

I can guarantee I’m prolly not the first person to bring this up, but I have yet to come across anything explicitly addressing this issue myself (sidenote-- if anyone knows of a source handling this topic better than I ever could, plz feel free to send it my way!)

anyways, the interesting thing abt the concept of sexuality, at this point, is that it seems to be evolving much more slowly than the concept of gender. what I mean is that discourse around gender has shifted from (as this delightful post puts it), “all genders are valid and no gender is fake,” to, “all genders are fake and have no inherent validity.”

this is fantastic for gender-- we ABSOLUTELY need to shift our society more towards the assumption that gender is more-or-less bullshit and should have no effect on our ideas of self-image and worth

but where does this leave sexuality? as the concept of gender is questioned and deconstructed, it seems like ppl are forgetting to address this other social concept that is just as heavily structured on the idea of gender. sexuality can’t stay the same while gender shuffles and (hopefully eventually) falls apart, it just can’t work

think of it like this: if we are to assume that gender has no bearing on how someone talks, acts, or otherwise presents themselves (which is a valid assumption to make), then how can anyone “guess” another person’s gender if there are no inherent signals for gender?

so here we come to a dilemma that I will illustrate using an example: assume person A is only attracted to girls. A is put in a group of random ppl and told to find someone they’re attracted to. if we’re to assume the “typical” idea of sexuality, then A would prolly pick out someone who is wearing “feminine” clothing, or has an otherwise “feminine” appearance (we’ll call this “feminine” individual person B). but how is A to know that B is ACTUALLY a girl? B could easily be a girl, guy, neither, or both! and if B isn’t a girl, then is A expected to not be attracted to B anymore? because if A is expected to ONLY be attracted to girls, then allowing themself to be attracted to B could invalidate that B’s gender identity, right? but what if A suddenly ISN’T attracted to B anymore after learning they aren’t a girl? wouldn’t that just be considered incredibly shallow, for A to reject someone they were otherwise attracted to purely based on gender? what if A just bypasses all this and hollers at the crowd, “HEY, ALL THE GIRLS CAN STAY, EVERYONE ELSE CAN LEAVE.” wouldn’t that be just as shallow-- A didn’t use any personal traits like shared interests or physically attractive appearances to narrow down their decisions, they simply narrowed their starting options using an arbitrary label

when we break down sexuality like this, then what even IS sexuality in the first place? how can sexuality survive in the face of gender evolution?

the answer, as far as I can tell, is that sexuality can’t survive

just as gender is slowly being revealed as a defunct concept, sexuality too will be a useless ideal of the past

now none of this is to say that we need to drop sexuality cold turkey-- sexuality will be useless in the future, but it’s certainly not useless now! I’ll certainly still id as ace/pan until sexuality is dead or those labels don’t fit me anymore!

as LGBTQA+ rights and lives are threatened, we need labels to stand behind and fight for, because we can’t stand behind a concept without a name (at least as far as a highly language-oriented species like us is concerned). labels create shared meaning, and help us better understand one another without having to rattle out a rambling definition. that’s kind of the purpose of language in general

a sad (yet inevitable) drawback of labels is that they eventually constrict from a freeing form of understanding into a tightly-bordered construct. this is the other main point I wanted to get to-- how restrictive these labels for sexuality have become

while not all of these labels were originally made for our benefit, we’ve reclaimed many, and developed many more to help us understand ourselves. these labels were meant to free us from things like compulsory heterosexuality, yet I still see so much gatekeeping over who’s allowed “in” to certain sexualities: oh, you kind of liked that one boy? you can’t POSSIBLY be lesbian! oh, you kind of liked sex with that one person? you can’t POSSIBLY be ace! oh, you’ve only dated one girl but 5 guys? you can’t POSSIBLY be bi!

I see shit like this far. too. often.

and y’know, I get it-- wlw/mlm are afraid of straight ppl coming into their spaces and fetishizing their sexuality. homosexual folks don’t want their sexuality painted as “hypersexual” if aces are considered queer. I get it, we’ve all got a lot of vicious shit to be afraid of

but there’s a difference between defending your sexuality, and pushing away a young, confused queer person because, “they’re not [x sexuality] enough.” there’s a difference between protecting fellow queer ppl, and rejecting affiliation with someone who’s beginning to realize that a certain label doesn’t fit them quite right anymore. there’s a difference between defining your sexuality, and invalidating another person’s sexuality because the borders of their definition don’t neatly fit into yours

like, it just boggles my goddamn mind to think that ppl are arguing over shit like this and don’t realize how fuckin pointless it is! sexuality means nothing! sexuality doesn’t even exist!! why are y’all givin ppl so much grief over this!!! fuck!!!!

idk, maybe it’s b/c I identify as some pan/ace hybrid that I don’t understand this. I don’t have personal experience to tell me what it’s like to only be attracted to certain genders, and how strictly that holds true in any given situation. I’ll admit it-- I just don’t know

what I do know is this-- we are inherently restricted by human language. as of yet, we have not come up w/ a way to utter a single sound or gesture that conveys the EXACT meaning we’re trying to convey. I can’t say, “I’m sad,” and have you experience the exact form and level of sadness I could be feeling at that exact moment

language is restrictive. what we feel is not. labels can’t POSSIBLY capture the depth and fluidity of our attraction in any meaningful way. labels are our tools for communication and connection, but don’t let them tie you down to a concept that could never capture your feelings