#i.e i’ll focus on it more to get it done sooner

[euphor1a]

Hi, choose the first enhypen fic you want to see from this blog?

[phagodyke]

sorry if this is odd to ask but what is your workout routine? I’m trying to motivate myself into exercise again and seeing how other people do it helps. Have a good one!

meant to reply to this sooner but I forgor… getting round 2 it now tho! disclaimer I dunno as much abt exercise science as I’d like to + don’t rly have any 'training' so my approach just comes from personal experience - take this w a pinch of salt lol. I’ll split it in 2 parts: my routine first + then a list of things that personally motivate me in a reblog in case u find any of that useful >:-) (under the readmore cuz this ended up being kind of long 👇)

ok so: I try to ‘actively’ work out 5 days a week. this tends to be broken into 1-2 longer full-body sessions (around 60-120 mins long, at the mo usually bouldering/parkour or a full-body home workout) with a rest day before/after + then 3-4 shorter home workouts (30-60 mins long, usually some form of weight/resistance training, targeting specific muscle groups). e.g. a fortnightly workout timetable might look smth like this for me:

I don’t tend to plan specific workouts more than a few days in advance so I don’t actually follow an explicit timetable like this. instead I set aside an ‘exercise timeslot’ every day (usually 4-6pm) and I’ll intuitively decide how to work out on the day – i.e., what part of my body feels ready to go? what part feels tired + needs a break? do I have the energy/focus to do 45 mins or do I need to shorten it to 30? do i need a rest day? working out regularly means I have a good sense of how long I need for certain muscles to recover so if there’s an activity I want to do on a specific day (like a sports club I wanna attend) I’ll keep it in mind and plan accordingly so I’m fresh for that. as a rule of thumb, I avoid working the same muscle group on consecutive days + give myself a full rest day before & after any intensive full-body workout. I also try to never take more than 3 back-to-back rest days unless I’m sick/on my period/life gets in the way – otherwise its very easy for me to fall out of routine even if I’ve maintained it for months beforehand (<- adhd ass)

(also worth noting – my ‘rest days’ aren’t completely ‘inactive’ – I’ll go for a walk or do some stretches/yoga or another gentle activity instead. I need a lot of physical movement in my life or I go stir crazy <- adhd ass strikes again)

my ‘home workouts’ are the sort of movements u can do at a gym with the equipment there, but I replicate them with a yoga mat + my own weights + a sturdy chair. I have 6kg & 10kg pairs of dumbbells, plus yoga blocks + resistance bands for extra challenge. most of my workouts are based on resistance/interval training, which is focused on increasing strength by repeating sets of movements/holds at a consistent intensity/pace for specific lengths of time, with short timed rest periods in-between (e.g., a typical workout might look like 45 mins of 45 movements targeting 1-2 muscle groups, each done for 40 seconds followed by a 20 second break before immediately moving onto the next).  I like it bc I can rly feel the progress I make + find it satisfyingly challenging (<-masochist) but also bc its easy to tailor to my own ability/how much energy I have that day etc by changing weights/pace. it also works with my adhd brain bc I only have to do each movement for 40-50 seconds at a time before moving on to smth else so I don’t get as easily distracted (as opposed to doing like xyz number of reps for xyz sets). if you’re interested, I swear by caroline girvan – I’ve done her EPIC programmes a few times now + often cherrypick from her videos when I want to work certain muscle groups without sitting down + compiling a list of individual exercises + setting a timer myself. the ‘EPIC beginner’ series is a great intro to her longer ones, I sometimes use that to ease myself back into working out if I haven’t for a while, but be warned it isn’t aimed at ppl who are completely new to that style of exercise. I think she has an app now that comes with an ‘absolute beginner’ version + a 14 day free trial(?) so might be worth checking that out. I will admit some of her stuff is TOUGH - I still can't do all of them w the same weights/pace she does... I particularly struggled with wrist strength when I started out too and had to do some separate conditioning/strengthening exercises before I could even work up to doing like. a single push up on my knees... so if u do check her out try not to get put off by how crazy strong she is bc thats literally her career skfjkj the important thing is just doing it to the best of ur own ability/to ur point of hypertension + keeping good form throughout!!

full body home workouts are pretty much more of the same just longer since I'm hitting more muscles (i.e. 60-90 mins) + sometimes with cardio elements (altho I can’t do HIIT workouts involving jumping at home bc I’m a respectful upstairs neighbour 😔). If I go to the bouldering gym (I try to go fortnightly atm) I’ll usually spend ~2 hours, focusing on trying to send one route at a time until my arms give out. im currently getting confident with V2 grades and tentatively working on V3s. its probs my fave sport, there's a level of problem solving to it that I find rly mentally stimulating... even tho I boulder solo, trips to the gym are social for me bc I often end up chatting to ppl working on nearby problems + picking up technique/advice from them, its a v welcoming space (I'm also planning on joining my new city's queer climbing group!). the parkour sessions I go to are also social, they're run locally for free around the city + structured by more experienced members in the community. they usually involve a warmup, conditioning, drills focusing on certain movements/jumps etc, and then free 'play' trying to put those moves into context. again ~2 hours long. im def not a pro at climbing or parkour but theyre super fun + would 100% rec if ur interested + can find a friendly local group for either, u can teach urself using online resources too :-)

goes without saying but I also warm up for at least 5 mins before doing ANYTHING!!! I try to cater it to the muscle group im planning on working with but still cover the whole body cuz its important to get ur heart rate up + even when u focus on one muscle group there will be others that get dragged in. I don't rly have a 'set' warmup but again caroline girvan has some good ones on her channel 👍 likewise always good to cool down after with stretches cuz future me will be grateful for it.. altho sometimes I'm a bit lazy abt it 🤭

okkkk i think that’s pretty much the bulk of it, I’ll stick my motivation tips in the reblog 😁

[chika-the-terrible]

Shepherd

Leon rested his face in his hands. He was too tired to even try meeting Adam’s eyes. It was nice to be out of danger, but it was just as likely to be an entirely different danger, now that he and Sherry had been picked up by what could only be forces from the US Government. And the guy in charge, Adam Bedford, Leon didn’t know what to make of him yet. He certainly didn’t have a good opinion at the moment, since he had been separated from Sherry.

He had promised her and Claire that he would protect them, and then she had left in search of her brother. Maybe it was for the best that she wasn’t here, otherwise Claire would be stuck in this same predicament. Leon hoped she was having better luck than he was.

“Mr. Kennedy, I know you’re not at one hundred percent after what you’ve been through, but the sooner you answer my questions, the sooner you get to rest.” said Adam. Leon lifted his head to glare.

“What about Sherry? I haven’t seen her since you separated us.”

“Just standard procedure. Making sure she’s not infected.”

“Of course she’s not.” Leon growled, “She got cured of the virus, she’s got antibodies to defend her from it now.”

“That’s good.” Adam nodded, “But you know that it’s still procedure we have to go through. I dislike separating the two of you as well. You’ve both been through a lot and you can only find comfort in each other. I get that. But I also have to follow policy.”

“Like making sure I can’t talk about Raccoon, right?”

“That’s correct, Mr. Kennedy. It’s best nobody learns the truth because that would cause widespread panic, among other things. Think about it: A small Midwestern city, suddenly struck down by a zombie virus. And that’s before mentioning that we had to do a containment procedure to make sure it didn’t spread.” I.e. nuking Raccoon City.

“It’s not like people would believe me, anyway. What have I got to lose?”

“Well,” Adam sat back in his chair, “If we let you go, you would never see Sherry Birkin again.” That got his attention. Leon’s eyes snapped to Adam’s.

“Why?” He bit out.

“Her parents were both involved with Umbrella. It may not exist anymore after this but it caused a lot of damage. And, as you said, she has antibodies against the G-Virus. If more outbreaks occur, those antibodies would help thousands of people. I’m sorry, Mr. Kennedy, but Sherry has to stay with the government. You can either choose to work with us in exchange to see her, or you can try to live a normal life without her in it. It’s your choice.” If he had any fur on his body it would’ve bristled at the terrible decision. He was damned either way. Somewhat childishly, Leon turned his head away, thinking it over. But then he heard something. His hearing was pretty sharp, even after all the loud gunfire he’d done recently, and though the walls were thick, he could hear a cry. He was almost certain it was Sherry. Was she okay? What were they doing to her? He stood up, the chair behind him falling back from the sudden movement.

“Mr. Kennedy?”

“Sherry, where is she?” He had lost all patience for more questions. Sherry could be in trouble and he needed to make sure she was okay.

“Please sit down-”

“Where is she?” Leon didn’t care if his other side was beginning to show, he needed to know why she cried out, if she was injured because he wasn’t there for her, if he decided to trust the wrong people blindly. When he saw that Adam wasn’t going to give him any answers, Leon decided to just make his way there himself. The door to the interrogation room yielded to his shoulder and he ignored the shouting behind him. There! Sherry had called out again. Leon followed her voice, going on all fours to get more speed. If he was shot at he didn’t notice. His focus only turned when he finally came to the room where Sherry was, a small treatment room not unlike the one he’d been cooped up in before they started questioning him.

“Leon!” He could see her on the other side of the room, between them several scientists. Leon growled. To their credit, they stepped aside. He was only impeded when someone grabbed his arm but he made quick work of that by throwing them into a wall. Nothing would stand in his way.

“Hey, I’m here.” Leon picked her up, as if she was five instead of twelve, “You okay?”

“Y-yeah.” She nodded. Her head rested against his shoulder and Leon finally felt like calming down.

“Mr. Kennedy?” With his back to the door, something he usually wouldn’t have allowed, Leon threw an annoyed glance over his shoulder. It was Adam again, now joined by an entire team of security officers. One was helping his comrade stand after Leon had thrown him. The scientists had cleared out quickly, leaving just them. Keeping Sherry in front of him, Leon growled again.

“What?” he snapped.

“I hate to bring you in for more questioning, but I’m pretty certain our tests showed you weren’t a B.O.W. So what, pray tell, is all this?” Adam gestured at Leon. Leon, who was standing on the balls of his feet with ease even in shoes, had honey-gold eyes instead of icy blue, and claws on gentle hands that hadn’t been there before. Not to mention the running he’d just done. He was an IDIOT. Instead of giving an answer, Leon stayed silent. He put Sherry down and kept her behind himself as he turned to face the other man.

“I know you don’t trust me.” Adam said after a long moment, “That’s obvious. Hell, I wouldn’t trust myself. It goes with the business. But I promise that I’m not trying to manipulate you or anything. In this line of work, it’s not good to have honest men, yet there’s me. All I want to know is what’s going on. We’re not gonna shoot you.” Leon was pretty sure some of the men gave Adam looks for that. He weighed his options. He was in an even worse situation than when he started. Out of the frying pan and all that. But looking down, seeing Sherry’s scared look, he knew what he had to do.

“I want a couple of promises. If you’re an honest man, as you say you are, then I’ll see about lowering my walls. Just promise not to hurt Sherry. Or do things with her she doesn’t want. She’s not a weapon.” She’s just a kid, she’s got a better chance at life than I ever did.

“I promise.” Adam nodded. The smile he gave was the most genuine thing Leon had seen from any of these guys since he and Sherry had been taken in. Maybe, just maybe, Adam really was a good guy underneath that goon skin.

“As for my part of the bargain...” He shook his head at himself, “It’s a long story.”

“Alright.” Adam waved a hand, “You guys can go. I don’t think he’ll say a thing with a lot of people in here.” While there was hesitancy, the security officers did clear out. When the door shut, all that was left were Adam, Leon, and Sherry. It definitely made Leon feel tons better for sure. Enough that he was sure he was going back to normal.

“Leon?” Sherry was looking up at him nervously. She and Claire hadn’t been told the full story either.

“C��mon.” He took her hand and led them over to some guest chairs, “It’s okay.”

“You said that last time.”

“Hey, how was I supposed to know he’d come back and munch on the train?” Leon’s eyes trailed over to Adam, who was waiting patiently for an explanation, “Just trust me on this.”

He will say this, though: Adam Bedford was a master at talking down angry people. Especially angry werewolves.

----------------------------------------------------

Note: There’s actually another 3-part drabble set between this and Greyhound but since I finished this one first, here you go.

[finnlongman]

If you don't mind me asking, as a writer, is there anything you do to motivate yourself/stay focused on one particular idea/project? Like, keeping yourself from having another idea mid-work and having an "ooo shiny" moment, and leaving the old work to be an Emer to the new idea's Fand (to make a clumsy Ulstsr Cycle joke)? I've been trying to get a bit more serious about writing recently and this is an issue I've been running into. Thank you in advance if you do answer this ask.

I always have multiple projects in my brain, but I generally have a one-track mind when I'm actually working on things. It's why I'll obsessively edit a novel in three weeks and then go back to doing academic work -- my brain won't let me do both at once, so I have to give them all my focus for a short period of time and then switch.

I'm trying to get better at juggling multiple things, but it's still my weak point. This summer, I had to split focus between two novels, a thesis, and an article, all in the space of about 2.5 months. The result? I completely abandoned my thesis, and indeed, any academic work, for the whole of August, in order to focus on fiction, because the deadline was more urgent. Sometimes you have to prioritise, and knowing you have to switch tasks at a certain time and that this one has to be finished first does wonders for making you focus.

However, if you don't have deadlines and if nobody is expecting you to hand anything in, it can be a lot harder to do the finishing part, and it's easy to go off chasing new ideas. I think we've all done it. For the first 10 years of writing fiction, I didn't have any deadlines either except those I gave myself, and I definitely abandoned projects and hopped around. Even since I signed with my agent, there's been at least one project I had to put aside unfinished and I don't know when or if I'll come back to it, though that was less a case of being distracted by something else and more a case of being too depressed to write. If it had been under contract, though, that would have been more difficult! So I'm glad that it wasn't.

Part of the way I avoid it is by writing fast. This is unhelpful advice, because either you write fast or you don't, and if you're not a speedy writer, it's probably not very useful as a tactic. But if I write fast enough, not only do I not give myself time to get bored, I also have the drive of knowing the sooner I finish something, the sooner I can move on to something else. If it's only another 3 weeks of work, there's less a sense of the new idea being impossibly distant. I always leave first drafts to stew for at least a few months before I edit them, so once they're done, hopping between projects is a good thing -- as long as I got to the end first. But not getting to the end can be a killer.

I also try not to take breaks while writing first drafts. Again, doesn't work for everyone, hasn't always worked for me. But the books where I take days/weeks off while drafting are the ones that are hardest to finish, and every time I've stopped long-term and said I'll come back to it later to finish it ... I never have. If I ever do, I'll have to rewrite the whole first half before I can continue. This is partly because I'm not an outliner, so first drafts are precariously balanced in my head and setting them down can mean losing sight of something crucial. If I had a set outline to follow, it might be easier to dip in and out.

Having said that, I do have some books that have been written far more intermittently with lots of days off... but they were definitely harder. The continuity and speed is a fairly crucial part of maintaining my train of thought. Like I said -- one-track mind. That's why it's so hard for me to balance multiple projects.

Over time, I've learned that ideas are really the easiest part of writing, but they often don't go anywhere. I keep note of them, often in my phone, but an idea is not a plot, and it takes time for them to turn into a book. I like to let them mature on their own for a while. I knew I wanted to write TRWTH from about 2015, but I didn't draft it until late 2018; I knew I wanted to write a Bisclavret retelling since about 2016, but didn't draft it until late 2019. I gave them time to figure out what shape they wanted to be in before I started actually working with those premises directly. So that can help me resist the temptation to jump on something new -- it's not necessarily ready yet. Writing it down feels like scratching the itch ("I'm not ignoring it, I'm just setting it aside") and means you won't forget it, but also means by the time you come to look at it again, you have a better sense of whether it's worth writing.

Having said that, I'm easily distracted by the temptation to *edit* something other than the book I'm currently working on; I'll reread an older project and see how to fix it and since editing doesn't require the same single-minded focus (for me) as first drafts, I can be lured away quite easily. Deadlines are usually the main thing that helps there.

If I'm honest... deadlines in general are the only things that keep me on track. Otherwise I'm always hopping between things and never focusing on anything long enough to get it "finished". It's where things like NaNoWriMo can help: setting yourself a goal of writing a certain amount of a book within a window of time can often keep you on target long enough to pass the point of no return (i.e. the point at which you're more invested in finishing the book than in starting a different one). I never finished anything until I did NaNo for the first time; it turned out what I needed was a deadline and an excuse to write quickly.

Two final things. One is that I try to only write things I really care about. If I'm ready to abandon a project and never come back, I probably wasn't invested in it in the first place. Two, if an idea is constantly popping up while writing something else, it might be related. It might explore the same themes, or develop on one of the ideas. It can be worth poking at it for a minute to check if that's the case, and if it is... it's not a new story. It's a new part of the story you were already writing, and can be woven in.

It's possible absolutely none of this is applicable to those with a different writing style to me, and it's also incredibly rambly, but quick summary:

deadlines help. knowing someone is expecting something from you helps.

writing fast enough not to get bored gives you less time to get distracted.

ideas need time. write them down and let them stew instead of rashly chasing them; they may not be able to carry a whole story on their own

they may not BE a whole story; consider whether they're part of what you're already writing

Did this make any sense at all? I have no idea. I've actually been switching between three projects (two fiction, one academic) this week, so my brain is utterly melted because, as I said, I suck at doing that.

[twdmusicboxmystery]

TWD Flagship Series Ending and How It Might Affect Beth/TD

I’m sorry I didn’t get my thoughts out sooner. I woke up to like three fires I had to put out (figurative, of course) so it too me longer than usual to get these written up. But, here we go:

Okay, so I know everyone is freaking out about yesterday’s news. I feel ya. I’m obviously very sad that the flagship series will be ending.

But having said that, it doesn’t entirely surprise me. And it doesn’t really bother me, at least not in the way everyone seems to think it will.

I have lots of thoughts about this, so bear with me. I’ll try to keep them succinct and organized.

I Still Think Beth is Returning

This is probably the most important thing for everyone to know. This announcement doesn’t affect my beliefs about Beth’s return. You’ll understand why as we go along and I explain more. It also doesn’t negate all the clues Emily and other actors have been dropping over previous months. Just keep that in mind.

It Doesn’t Surprise Me That The Show Might End Not Long After Her Return

Now, I’m gonna say that I realize now my original thinking about this was a little flawed, but I’m gonna say it anyway just to throw it out there.

As it’s taken longer and longer for Beth to return, I’ve come to realize that there would be a lot less of the show to go after her return than there was before it. If she’d have returned in S6 or S7, we would have had many seasons to go. But that hasn’t been the case, right?

I firmly believe that Beth represents Daryl’s happily ending. But that does imply it will be an ending of sorts.

And don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t have predicted the show would end in S11. You all know I’ve harped on the 15-season thing quite a bit, and I have more to say on that, which I’ll get to in a minute. I’m just saying that after Beth returns, I never thought we’d get another 10 seasons of TWD. A few, sure, but not double the amount or anything.

Okay, so let me make some broad statements here.

1)      Gimple said he had until S15 planned, and I believe him.

2)      I still think he has plenty of material so that they could have gone on through season 15.

3)      I don’t think any of that content is being scrapped, curtailed, or cut short in any way.

So how can all of those things work together? Well, this is my biggest belief about this whole thing:

I don’t think they’re changing any of their original plan. I think they’re just shuffling and restructuring the way they’re going to give it to us.

A lot of things have changed over the past few years: technology, the fact that people stream-watch much more often than live-watch, CoVid, etc. So basically, I still think they’ll continue to tell the story through what would have been season 15, but they’ll be doing it through alternate series, spinoffs, movies, etc., rather than keeping it all to the main series.

Now, some of the skeptics out there are bound to think my beliefs about this are awfully convenient, and I’m just holding out hope that Beth will still return.

But I’m not JUST talking about Beth story lines. There are other things to consider here that we can prove. And I’ll get to them.

But the next question is:

Why Would They Continue the Story in Other Spinoffs, Rather Than Just Keeping to the Main Series?

I wasn’t sure about this at first, either. The only thing I could come up with on my own is that there are certain business/monetary/logistical concerns behind the scenes that make this a better model for AMC to make use of, rather than continuing the flagship series. And really, we’re never going to totally understand all of that because for legal/privacy reasons they’re never going to give us the details.

But then, the always-insightful @wdway said some things that really helped light bulbs go on in my head.

We were discussing this and she said something about how, since Daryl isn’t a character in the comic books, and Carol died very early on in the story (at the farm, I think?), with this spinoff that will focus on Daryl and Carol, they’re heading into territory that has absolutely no comic book source material.

And that really made sense to me. So, here’s my underlying belief about WHY they’re ending the flagship series after S11, even though they still have more story they’re planning to tell.

I Believe They’re Ending the Story after the Commonwealth Arc, Specifically Because the Comic Books Ended.

Because here’s the thing. Even with the extended S11, I still don’t think that will be enough time to cover the two major story lines they’ve been hinting at and slowly uncovering over recent seasons: the Commonwealth and the Helicopter People.

The only way to cover BOTH of those so quickly is to REALLY short change one or the other of them, and I think we have ample evidence and foreshadowing that that won’t be the case.

So, here’s the jist of it. Back when Gimple took over and planned his 15-season arc, they couldn’t have predicted a lot of what’s happened since. They couldn’t have predicted technology, COVID…or that Kirkman would suddenly, without any warning, decide to end the comics. So, even though they’ve always put their own spin on things, and have definitely done things that weren’t in the comics at all (i.e. Beth and Daryl), they’ve still always stuck to the major arcs from the comic books. (The Farm, The Prison, Alexandria, AOW, Whisper War, and now The Commonwealth.)

I think they decided to pivot and change formats as soon as Kirkman ended the CBs. They just haven’t announced it until now. So, I think season 11 will focus completely on the Commonwealth, but they’ll end it and switch to something entirely new to continue telling the story of the Helicopter Group. And even though they’re advertising it as focusing on Daryl and Carol, keep in mind that Rick and Michonne are also still out there. We’ll have them to look forward to in the Rick Grimes Films as well. And of course they still have FTWD, TWB, and these other spinoffs they’re talking about.

Do you see what I mean? I don’t think they’re changing or curtailing the story they’ve always planned on telling. They’re just changing formats. So the main series will end with the source material from RK’s comic books. The rest will be a new series that is 100% AMC’s own.

I hope that makes sense. This is why it doesn’t really worry me and I don’t think it negatively impacts Beth’s story or return at all. 

Okay, let’s switch gears and talk about the spinoff.

When I read the press release, the first thought I had was, “Well, that’s vague.” The press release really doesn’t tell us much. It’s hard to draw many conclusions from it. And it doesn’t say other characters (like Ezekiel, for example) won’t be in it. Just that it will focus on Daryl and Carol.

And I get that, again, that may sound convenient, but that’s why I explained everything above first. Knowing that this is probably just switching formats to continue the same story, it doesn’t sound quite as convenient anymore, does it?

The second thing I thought when I heard this (and my fellow theorists said they had the exact same thought, which kind of validates it in my head) is that this whole Carol/Daryl thing is probably tied to the New Mexico symbolism.

If you remember, starting in 10x01, they started randomly referencing New Mexico a lot, in conjunction with the idea of the two of them taking off on Daryl’s bike and just leaving. I know that idea isn’t our fandom’s favorite, but it was obvious to me that this was a foreshadowing and that it will happen at some point. So I’m relatively sure that this spinoff about Daryl and Carol will be them going to New Mexico together.

Here are some posts where I talked about the NM symbolism: X, X, X,

The thing is, guys, I’ve also always believed that it will be a Beth thing. That it will mirror them taking off together to search for Beth in 5a. So either way, I think Beth will be involved in that spinoff series.

@wdway told me she’s believed for a while that S11 will be another “Daryl searches for Beth” season. TD has believed for a LONG time that there will need to be another search on Daryl’s part. That there may even be something of a replay of events in Coda, but that it will end differently. In a good way, rather than in the disaster that was Coda.

So, either Beth and Daryl will get a reunion sometime in S11, but then something will happen and she’ll be taken again. Probably by the helicopter people. And Daryl will need to go look for her.

Or.

Maybe they won’t get a reunion at all in S11. That would definitely suck more, but maybe, while the audience, and various characters in the show *coughs Eugene* know about Beth, maybe Daryl really doesn’t find out until the end of the season, and he’ll just be busy dealing with the Commonwealth situation. But then, at the end, he finds out she’s alive and jumps on his bike to go find her. And, as in 5x02, Carol goes with him.

I also think Ezekiel will probably figure heavily in this. I’ve harped on and on about his death fake out, right? I do think it will happen some time in S11. And I think it’s possible that the season (and series) will end with Carol still not knowing that he’s really alive. Or maybe she’ll find out he’s with Beth and that will be part of the reason she goes with Daryl too.

Now, obviously this is all conjecture with a liberal splash of head canon. But given the symbolism and foreshadowing we’ve identified, especially these past two seasons, and how often TD has been right about this sort of thing, I really think there is a VERY good possibility that this, or something close to it, is what’s really happening here.

So yeah. I think I’ll shut up, now. The short of it is, I think they’ll continue the story line after S11, just in different story vehicles. I think Beth will still return and be a big part of the story moving forward. And I think S11 (and the series) will end with a lot of unresolved story lines that will move to other parts of the franchise. Therefore, aside from being sad to say goodbye to the flagship series in principle, this really doesn’t worry me all that much.

At the very least, we know we’ll be getting more Daryl after the series officially ends. Which is a good thing.

Thoughts?

[alteredphoenix]

Liar’s Game WIP#2 (WoW/Rayearth One-Shot)

A/N: It’s been a while since I’ve uploaded any ongoing excerpts, with work and all (and the occasional alt leveling; I’m honestly waiting on Sanctum of Domination to drop before I can really go all-in on SL-era fics). I’ve been feeling bad for neglecting my fiction, especially after the warlock!Jaina fan art was completed, so I had a day off to pick up where I left off and continue it.

The idea was always built on the premise that Umi and Genn would challenge each other in how they view Sylvanas (i.e. one who knows little of her versus someone who does and has been wronged by her) and why she caused the war, so I liked having a person who is young and has seen/experienced the consequences of her actions firsthand and a person who is older and has good reason to fight back against someone but hasn’t suffered any consequences from the actions he’s committed have a battle of philosophical ideals.

-

Umi breathes again. Focus, she tells herself, keeping her gaze on the High King. Focus. Don’t give them any idea. “Yes,” she says gratefully. “I’d be more than happy to have us rest our feet and get our marbles together while we figure out where to go from here.”

“So soon?” he asks, blinking incredulously, and Umi nods. Out of the corner of her eye she catches the night elf working a kink out of his neck. Chainmail shifts and jingles with the flex of his muscles.

“We have places to be, my friend and I, and Horde or no Horde we intend to get there no matter what’s thrown at us. The Warchief can come after us personally and I still won’t stop for her. Simple enough.”

Greymane issues a rough laugh that’s part growling and part humming. “You’d really take her on? My dear, I’ll have you know she’s a force to be reckoned with!”

“I’ve dealt with much worse, sir, if you can believe it,” Umi says somberly.

“At your age? You can’t be much older than King Anduin!”

One corner of her lips tips up in a mirthless smile. “Fifteen. And yeah, I get that a lot.”

“Hmph. Fifteen, you say…And you say you’ve fought much worse than the Warchief?”

“You’d be surprised at what I had to do. Then again, it’s not like I had much of a choice. Didn’t have much of one, come to think of it—at least in the beginning. But then I decided to fight, and despite what happened I still do because it’s the right thing to do. I have the obligation to choose my battles as I please. Sometimes it all comes down to do or die. Don’t you think so?”

Greymane nods. “Aye. I do think so, but this is one fight we can’t afford to run from. I don’t know who you’ve fought, Miss Umi, but Sylvanas is more than just a mere person. She has been a constant reminder of the darkness that has lurked within the Horde for years. The one who preceded her was a troll named Vol’jin, different from the Zandalari you have just seen. He was respected among his tribe and all the races gathered berneath the Horde’s banner. Not over a year ago did he fall by a demon’s blade in the midst of a great battle, and with his dying breath”--and here his snout crinkles, and Umi swallows back the gasp at the black gums and teeth that are as long and thick as her fingers--”bequeathed the mantle unto her. The moment he had done so all her crimes against Azeroth have been put to the forefront...and growing at magnitudes by the day. So long as she remains in power, we will never know peace.”

“You haven’t seen her at alll? Not in Kul Tiras or in Zandalar?”

“No. Not yet,” Anduin interjects quietly. “But she’s out there, and sooner or later one of us is going to have to make our move. It could be here. It could be in Zandalar. It could be anywhere out on the seas, where the islands are rife with azerite. Wherever we go, she’s almost certain to follow.”

[kristallioness]

2016 | 2017 | 2018

*quietly sneaks back in*... Happy New THIS Year, my dear followers! In Estonia, we have this saying that if you wish someone a 'happy new year' after Three Kings' Day (the 6th of January), you gotta have a bottle of alcohol with you and give them a drink. *lol*

Anyways, I would like to apologize for the sudden disappearance that happened prior to Christmas. I was just busy travelling back home for the holidays, unpacking and putting away my stuff, watching some great, traditional movies or shows on TV, and most importantly, working on those 2 latest masterpieces that I posted (which barely got 30 notes each.. *sigh*).

But as you can (and probably will) see, the year of the yellow earth pig (i.e. my dad's year) was a rollercoaster of emotions and accomplishments, or lacking thereof.

My creative side seems to have suffered the most due to lack of leisure time. I only managed to finish 3 full digital drawings and left behind several sketches or unfinished WIPs (2 of which are revealed here under the months of June and November for the first time, I intend to finish the Korrasami one btw). At least I got to start 2020 with a completed drawing on the very 1st day, ha-ha! Perhaps that's a good omen for this year?

If so, then I hope I'll find the time to finish the rest of the 2019 Inktober prompts, since I only did 4/31 this past October (even though I'd thought of ideas for all of them). I brought all the necessary drawing utensils and sheets of paper with me, so whenever I'm in the mood, I'll try to sketch another one.

*calculates for the nth time*.. I wrote 18,110 words worth of fanfiction, plus 820 words for the UYLD prompts (making the total 18,930). Technically, you can count another 8k+ in there, since it comes from that unfinished story (of Aang taking care of a flu-ridden Katara, as illustrated by the September sketch), which I haven't finished within the last 4 months or so. Plus, I barely wrote 1/5 of the amount compared to 2018.. *hides in shame*

Then again, I was an excellent pupil for picking up an actual book and reading through 150+ pages (which means I have ~300 pages to go). I'm talking about the new Kyoshi novel that came out. As I once said, I haven't voluntarily read a book in years make that 2 years ago (most of the reading I've done in my life is either Tom & Jerry comics, now the Avatar comic trilogies and art books as well as fanfiction online, or compulsory reading during school). But this novel is freaking fantastic superb!

Not only that, I bought all the new comic trilogies and managed to read them through. Damn, did they give me feels.. especially "Ruins of the Empire" (ngl I squeed so hard when I saw the Korrasami farewell kiss on the 1st page of the 2nd part). I can't wait to read the 3rd part this year!

However, I failed to rewatch Avatar last year, and I haven't seen Korra since.. 2016, I believe? Wow, that's 4 whole years.. But I intend to fix that mistake starting from 2020. Hopefully I'm in the mood to start my rewatch this weekend tonight. *fingers crossed*

But as I said, I had much less time to focus on my hobbies since 2019 was the year for finally moving on with my life (sort of, I'm still working on it). I still remember how down I'd been feeling for a while and how valid those emotions really were. The first quarter of the year (+ like a month or two) was a continuous descent into desperation and feelings of utter failure, which already started around the 2nd half of 2018 and only continued to deepen around that time.

Everything began to change when I was first chosen to be part of a 2-month summer internship in an IT company, and I had to start building a new nest in a new location in Tallinn this May. And now, I feel like I've hit the jackpot by getting a permanent job in another IT company this October.

I got the opportunity to work in two different fields, in two different teams within a year. I met some awesome colleagues (a lot of whom are foreigners) and got the chance to really put my English skills to the test.

Thanks to the new job, I also had to go to a free health check, which went really-really well. Despite my nervousness in the beginning, I feel much more relaxed about my physical (and mental) health, cause the results showed that everything's okay (something I'd been worried about since March 2017).

Speaking of health or staying healthy, there were a few sports events that I went to, too. Our team held the first winter team event (it was the first one for me, at least) by going to do archery in a range on the outskirts of the capital.

I watched the football match between 2 teams of our local league at my hometown together with my dad on his birthday. Our home team won the match and came in 4th place overall in the league this year, which is their best result so far (I'm really proud!). And merely days before I started work, I visited the Tallinn International Horse Show for the first time (also with my dad). I last got to watch horses jump over fences or dance to their musical programs ~ 10 years ago, and I loved it!

Event-wise 2019 was pretty full of them. As has become tradition, I went to the Defence Forces parade on our 101st Independence Day (which seemed rather bleak compared to the centennial, even more so since we didn't have ANY snow at the time).

What will hopefully become new traditions, I visited the television tower on the Restoration of Independence Day (where Uku Suviste gave a free concert in the evening), and went to the Veteran's Rock concert (to honour our war veterans) on our Freedom Square on the 23rd of April (since I'm residing in the capital now, I should be able to go again this year).

To continue with the centennial celebrations (yes, some things are STILL turning 100), I saw and explored inside the armoured train no. 7 called "Wabadus" ("Freedom") in the Baltic Station. This armoured train was one of the keys that led our country to victory during the War of Independence from 1918-1920.

There was an even bigger (150th) anniversary to celebrate in the beginning of July, when I attended our Song and Dance Festival. This was a really important, if not the biggest event of the year. I intend to make a longer post about my experience, cause it's something that you foreigners need to see for yourself. I can't simply describe or put it into words, I have to show you some videos and photos.

But while we're on the topic of concerts, I should mention that I went to 2 more at the beginning of June - Bon Jovi and Sting - as well as 2 that were part of Christmas tours in December - Elina Nechayeva and Rolf Roosalu.

Besides that, I went to 6 different festivals, half of which I'd been to several times before, such as the Türi Flower Fair, Jäneda Farm Days (where I went on my first helicopter ride for my 25th birthday present) and the Christmas market in the Old Town of Tallinn.

The other half is comprised of festivals that I'd been considering going to for a while, or which took place for the first time. The latter applies to the Black Food Festival, whereas the "Valgus Kõnnib" ("Wandering Lights") and the duck rally, both of which took place in Kadriorg, fall under the first category.

The duck rally is a charity event held in the beginning of June. Regular people can buy at least one (or several) rubber bath duckies for different prices, which will then be dumped into a tiny stream that'll carry them towards the finish line. This event has grown more popular each year, and the money the Estonian Association of Parents of Children with Cancer (sorry, long name in English!) collects is donated to the Cancer Treatment Fund.

*wipes forehead*.. Phew! I'm surprised, that's a whole lotta positivity for 2019. I think there's one more important, but seriously negative topic I haven't covered yet, but I feel should be mentioned and explained.

When it comes to politics, 2019 was a complete disaster for us. EKRE (Eesti Konservatiivne Rahvaerakond in Estonian, or Estonia's Conservative People's Party in English) i.e. our populist/nazi/pro-Trump party is in the government as of April 2019, thanks to 100,000+ idiots (out of our population of 1.3 million) who voted for them and gave them 19/101 seats in the Parliament.

No, I am NOT going to apologize for calling them a nazi party, because their main leaders have repeatedly supported ideology that's common to nazis (they use aggressive rhetoric, blame the media for making them look bad, downgrade women, minorities, are racist, anti-semitic etc...). And I will not apologize in front of the people who voted for them, because "thanks" to this, EKRE has dragged our country's reputation straight through a mud puddle (not to mention the scandals that have accompanied 5 of their ministers, 3 of who have THANKFULLY stepped down from their positions) and.. *swears like the British*.. it's BLOODY EMBARRASSING.

I am done being nice, I have at least some kind of prejudice about anyone who supports them or their ideals. And I will certainly not let Estonia end up like America. So that is why I participated in two protest events against EKRE and our current government (because the 2 other parties, who were willing to form the coalition with them, are spineless jellyfish that simply seek to hold onto their current positions of power). I'm willing to take bets as to when our government falls (the sooner the better).

*shakes off the frustration*.. Brrr! So besides that, I guess the only downside to 2019 was my spare time falling back in the list of priorities (which shows in the empty square of July).

2020 is gonna be the year of the white metal rat. I can only hope (and take action so) that it'll be just as eventful, and much more creative than 2019. Thank you all for following me (or lurking anonymously) for so long, especially to the bloggers who've offered me support through better or worse! *raises a glass* Here's to 2020!.. *sip*

[phoebeusproduction]

Future Writing/Account Plans

Some things that may be hitting in the new year, as it quickly approaches: Once Reconfiguration is done, I’m probably going to focus on cleaning up my FFN.net account and get it in order to start using again, even if only as a backup. I’m still leery about its editing inflexibility, but my account there is STILL the first to appear in search results, and I would like to be able to reach readers on that site, too, even if I can’t put all my works up there due to ffn policies. (i.e. the explicit drabbles in Pieces of Puzzleshipping) I may also take the opportunity to bring a short story that ONLY exists on ffn (since I wrote it in 2011) over to ao3. Just sync everything up again.

That said, Gambling With Destiny may be disappearing from both sites. I had planned to delete it anyways whenever I felt ready to start producing the rewrite, but I think I’m going to do it sooner rather than later because a) if the rewrite happens, it’ll encourage a reread to catch important changes, and b) I’m discovering more and more that picking that story back up... I’m struggling with it. Not for lack of ideas or motivation to write it, but worries and fears around sharing it and sheer work involved that may come to naught. It’s overly complicated and probably too much for a general notice like this, but I just wanted to make that possibility public because I know there are people who care about and love that story (and I love you for it) and I want to encourage downloading it via ao3 if it’s something you want to personally keep. It’s not disappearing tonight and I’m still contemplating what to do (this weekend should be telling because if I keep staring at a computer for hours, then I think we’re done here) but I just wanted to provide time for people to grab it in case of the worst. If I solidify what I plan to do, I’ll definitely put a chapter notice up on ao3 itself with time to spare, for those who don’t follow my social media. 

Aside from that, I do have at least three smaller stories planned for 2020 that will certainly go up at some point. Maybe even a fourth, we’ll see. I might be switching my focus more to original works. Or writing GwD regardless.

We’ll see.

[stedes-black-bonnet]

My Baby Does Me: Chapter 8

POV: John Deacon x Reader

Notes: Ongoing fic, gonna be a long one, guys; so, keep letting me know if you want on the tag list, please. The next few chapters will shift subjects of focus before reuniting for a joint resolution, FYI. It’s all necessary, I swear.

Warnings: I cried while writing this chapter?

Abstract: Freddie and Jim exchange memories.

Freddie Mercury had hosted a plethora of parties, been invited to even more, and attended even more to which he hadn’t been invited. He had, therefore, seen everything under the sun, sheets, and sombreros.

Or, that’s what he had thought before tonight, before Lydia’s coup de grace statement. He was impressed with Lydia’s balls. There was just no other way to put it. She had moxie.

To say the room was suspended in a stunned silence, and not for the first time tonight, wasn’t an exaggeration. He had been to circle-jerks with less activity, he thought. He and Jim were sitting identically; hands cupping their chins, elbows on knees. Though they could not be dressed more dissimilarly, yet there was something united about them regardless, or maybe even in spite of this. A subtext ran through them, an equality and synergy most found envious.

Freddie, still in his white hot-pants, cape, and crown, felt his elbow slip from his knee on to Jim’s immediately following Lydia’s statement. As his elbow came to a rest on Jim’s leg, he absorbed the texture of Jim’s trousers. They were his favorite pair of Jim’s pants, navy with a tuxedo stripe in Kelly green; only the best for his Irish beau, he thought. He had bought them for Jim after their ninth date. These pants, Freddie recalled, represented a watershed moment in their relationship that came to define their entire partnership.

By their ninth date, Freddie had only seen Jim in one pair of pants: white, fancy, if not a little dated. As he was the kind of man who noticed fashion, Freddie had been curious why Jim kept wearing the same pair of pants on their dates. Maybe they were his lucky trousers, he speculated? Something unexpected occurred during their ninth date, however, that brought this to a head. While animatedly telling a story about John Deacon leaving for Bali during a recording session, Freddie accidentally spilled his mostly full pint of lager all over Jim’s white pants.

Immediately, Freddie sprang to action trying to siphon the amber-colored liquid from Jim’s crotch with napkin after napkin. All the while saying how sorry he was, what a clumsy oaf he was, and how he wasn’t usually this nervous around people, but Jim brought out something in him he wasn’t accustomed to: i.e. diligent interest, the unexpected need to impress, and the budding growth of falling in love; doing verbal back-flip after back-flip, Freddie, at first, failed to notice the look of overwhelming hopelessness on Jim’s face.

What Freddie hadn’t known at the time of the spill was Jim not only had substantially less money than Freddie--not that that was hard to do--but also that those pants, quite literally, were Jim’s livelihood. Those old-fashioned white suiting pants were Jim’s work pants, his uniform. They were his only pair of work pants. He couldn’t afford more than one pair. They were his only pair of nice pants, as well. In Jim’s mind, they were the only stitch of clothing in his entire wardrobe worthy of the great Freddie Mercury. This was why, nine dates in, Jim only had worn this one pair of pants. He’d come home from waiting on people, launder his trousers, press them, wear them later same day for his date with Freddie, return home, and launder and press them again for work the next day.

This lager stain wasn’t just any blemish; it was pungent and had an odd red hue to it, making Jim immediately believe he’d never get the stain completely erased from the pants. He could be out of a job for this, which would mean he wouldn’t make rent, which would mean he could be homeless. Facts of life for Jim, usual, casual worries for him. Though not for Freddie Mercury. All of these anxieties could come to pass all over a date with Freddie, a man, whom he was beginning to take a deep and meaningful shine to. He could tell Freddie the truth right here and now about his feelings and his pants, or he could lie. Come up with some story on the spot about why he was disproportionately upset over a stain on a pair of trousers.

As with most interactions in their relationship, that’s when Freddie forgot about himself, and in a serendipitous and timely moment, decided to look at Jim. That’s when Freddie noticed Jim’s expression, which he instantly tried to hide from Freddie by turning away from him.

Freddie reached out and turned Jim’s face to meet his.

“Something has happened here beyond just a spill hasn’t it?”

Jim sighed, took a deep breath, and said, “Yes, Freddie.”

“Have I said something to offend you?”

“No,” Jim said, honestly.

Freddie took Jim’s hands in his own, “Have I done something,” he asked with great courage, “To change your feelings about me, for me?” There were tears in his large brown eyes, threatening to cascade down his anxiously attentive face.

Jim had tears in his eyes, too; before answering Freddie, they brimmed over his elegantly long lashes and fell down his cheeks. His voice stuck in his throat, he shook his head, managing to croak out a solemn “No, Freddie.”

“I couldn’t live with myself, darling” Freddie whispered, “I would surely die if you dismissed me from your love.” Tears traced down his contoured face.

Jim clasped Freddie’s hands tightly, and said, “I love you, Freddie Mercury.” It was the first time he had said it.

Freddie, accustomed to qualifications, to the other shoe dropping, waited for Jim to add “however,” or “but” to his statement.

None came.

No adjustment, no limitation, no stipulation came attached to Jim’s declaration. I love you Freddie Mercury. Full stop. It was, perhaps, the first time Freddie had heard the music in his own name, spoken through the instrument of absolute love, compassion, and partnership.

Freddie, gazing into Jim’s bright eyes, knew at that very moment he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Jim. And that he would do anything, give anything to make this happen.

“I love you, Jim Hutton.” No amendments, no reductions, no qualifications.

Jim leaned in and kissed Freddie fully, completely, without hesitation. This kiss was a new beginning, the first kiss after the first statement of worth in both their lives.

Freddie gently placed his hands on the sides of Jim’s head. He felt Jim’s tears, and gingerly wiped them away. “Tell me what’s wrong, my love?” Freddie pleaded.

Finding his breath, Jim delicately explained the situation to Freddie.

Freddie Mercury wasn’t often at a loss for words, but what Jim told him struck him to his core. He felt inconsiderate, privileged, and horrible self-disgust. He had gotten to a point in his life where he no longer needed to think about money. Somewhere along the way, this had made him careless, tactless, and negligent. To make the person he cared about most in the world feel needlessly handicapped in his presence made him feel sick with self-loathing. The guilt began eating him up inside.

“I should have asked you sooner.” Freddie said, feeling the stinging threat of tears welling in his eyes once more.

“No--I should have said something sooner.” Jim said reassuringly.

“Can you forgive me?”

Jim smiled slowly, wiping Freddie’s tears away with his flannel handkerchief, “Already forgiven, yes.”

The next day, Freddie sent a package to Jim’s apartment.

In it was two pairs of pants. One white, and one navy with Kelly green accents. The note, which Jim carried in his wallet with him still, written in Freddie’s only sprawling hand, said, “One for work, one for play, always for you, I’ll never stray.”

Once a week, from then on, a package arrived for Jim.

It was always two pairs of pants. One white, and one with a little flair, a little drama, a little style.

When Jim moved in, Freddie had to build him a special closet for all the pants; it was worth it, though. Jim was worth it.

Freddie was absentmindedly tracing the green seam in Jim’s pants, lost in his own memories of love.

Jim took Freddie’s hand in his, and turned to look at his husband. Freddie turned to meet his gaze. The melancholy tint to Freddie’s eyes told Jim all he needed to know in that moment; Jim knew Freddie had been thinking about the pants, about their ninth date. After that everything had changed. Jim brought Freddie’s hand to his lips and kissed it. He could still take Jim’s breath away, even now, after all these years.

What Jim recalled most about that night had been witnessing Freddie cry for the first time. He had been vulnerable, deeply personal, and infinitely brave. It was immediately endearing and remarkably enticing. Jim was amazed at Freddie’s capacity for being entirely selfless, even in and especially when he was at fault for overlooking something, ignoring signs, and being in denial about signals. As an artist, Freddie sometimes, quite naturally existed on a different plane of existence. Jim didn’t always have access to this area in Freddie’s life, and they both worked together to bridge that complication. This ninth date event had been the first time, Jim thought, Freddie had actually realized Jim was a normal man with normal cares and concerns. Instead of blowing up in his face when met with the fact he had been in the wrong, Freddie hadn’t become defensive, like so many men before in Jim’s life. No, Freddie had done the most un-rock-star-like of things; he had taken responsibility for his own actions. It was the single most attractive thing anyone had ever done for Jim.

The next day, when the package had arrived, Jim had sobbed uncontrollably on the floor his kitchen. Opening the package, delivered by a smart-looking boy from some fashion atelier Jim had never heard of, he found inside two pairs of pants, and the note. The note, meant so much more than the pants ever could. Slumping to the yellow tiled floor, his back to the refrigerator, Jim started crying. And he couldn’t stop myself, maybe didn’t want to stop himself. It was a turning point in his life; the first time a partner had ever taken care of him, without having to be asked, without making Jim feel  ashamed, and without expecting anything in return. Jim cried for every time he had settled for a partner who treated him poorly, who implied he wasn’t good enough, smart enough, who said he wasn’t valuable or worthwhile, who wanted to hide him, who was embarrassed by him, his sexuality, or his preferences. Then he cried for Freddie, whom he loved, who cared so deeply for him, who not only said it but showed it.

Jim would let Freddie continue to show him how much he loved him for the rest of his life, he thought. He brushed himself off, stood up, and walked over to his phone. He twisted the numbers into the rotary, and hoped Freddie would be home.

“Hello, darlings, this is Freddie?”

“Freddie?” Jim questioned, his voice hoarse from crying.

“Jim? Is that you? Are you okay?” Freddie’s voice sounded concerned, alert.

“I received your package, and your note.”

“Oh, Jim! Do you love the pants, darling? Stylish, no? Classic, yet they have a little something extra, don’t you think? I picked them out myself.” He was excited, rambling. Jim could listen to him talk for hours and never want to miss a syllable.

“I adore them,” Jim said quietly.

“Jim, are you okay? You sound... have you been crying?”

“I have, yes.” Jim brushed fresh tears from his eyes.

“Do you want me to come over?”

Jim could hear Freddie standing up on the other end of the line; he was going to rush over here without hanging up the receiver; he had done it before, and it wouldn't be the last time.

“Freddie, I have to go to work soon. I wanted to call to tell you I adore your gift, and your note…” his voice drifted off; he was too overcome to speak, too emotional to process his feelings into words.

“The note. You liked it?”

Jim nodded, then remembered Freddie couldn’t see him. “Yes, I...it meant...I don’t know how to say how much it meant to me.”

He could hear Freddie breathing fast across the time and space facilitated by the phone.

“Well, the feeling is mutual; I don’t quite know how to say how much you mean to me.” Freddie said. “Maybe I’ll have to put it in a song, just how much you take my breath away.”

“I love you, Freddie Mercury.”

“I love you, Jim Hutton.”

Jim hung up the phone and he decided then and there to never look back.

He still had Freddie’s hand at his lips. Freddie was staring at him, a mischievous smile playing on his lips. Soft lights glinted off his crown. Jim, wearing his favorite green flannel, smiled at the incongruity of their looks. From this dissonance came the first moment of harmony in their relationship. A moment, that could just as easily have never happened if Freddie hadn’t spilled his drink. The random chance in it all scared Jim. He put it from his mind, holding his husband’s hand in his.

Staring at his husband, he hoped maybe tonight for John and you some similar clandestine moment had occurred between you two. He wasn’t so sure yet one had. Though, looking at Roger Taylor and Lydia, he knew for sure, purely by the looks in their eyes, the moment they were now sharing transcended every other moment in their lives.

Tag List: @phantom-fangirl-stuff @triggeredpossum @obsessedwithrogertaylor @groupiie-love @richiethotzierz @partydulce @sophierobisonartfoundationblr @psychostarkid @teathymewithben @smittyjaws @just-ladyme

[fusion-ego]

Announcement

What’s up guys? I have an announcement to make.

One week from now, I will be moving across country with the rest of my household. We have known since about three months ago that we would be moving, we just didn’t know when. My dad’s been down there for two months getting things sorted out.

That said, the vast majority of the reason commissions and my remaining requests have not gotten done is because I’ve been stressed about the move. I focus on them when I can, and I’ve made some headway, but not enough I don’t believe.

My activity will probably be extremely spotty after next Friday, even worse than it is now. At least my mutuals experience my constant like-spams of their stuff right now, and on occasion I still reblog stuff, but after next Friday it’s gonna be anybody’s guess when I’ll have access to the Hellsite. My phone isn’t currently active so I can’t use my data until I can afford to pay my bill again, which is going to take some time.

I guess I’m saying this so you guys know what’s going on. I’m going to be reaching out to my clients personally soon to tell them what’s up. I should have done it sooner and I accept full responsibility for being an irresponsible businessperson in recent months. It’s my own fault that I’ve let all of this get to me so intensely. If I would have simply focused it would have been much easier to get packing and cleaning done, and then I could have focused on the things that matter - i.e) commissions and requests.

Coming out on the other side of this move nearly 2,000 miles away, I’m going to need all the money I can get in order to keep on my feet. I’ve already applied for a job and I intend to keep applying to more, but the thing is that I desperately need my phone turned on and I have to be able to make my credit card payment because I have never had a late payment and getting one now will damage my credit real bad.

I do not want to keep begging for money. It’s degrading and I feel bad for asking for it when there are people who need it more than me, who, despite my back and knee problems, is able-bodied enough to get a job. But even if I get hired my first paycheck is a ways off.

I only need about $85 ― $35 + fees for my phone, $45 for my minimum credit card payment. By the time my next payment is due for either I will have a job and, hopefully, my first paycheck in order to pay them.

Hopefully, this will be the last time I need to ask for money for anything.

Commissions will be opening up once I’ve finished my current batch and gotten settled in in my new place. I’ll also be throwing my Ko-Fi link out if you want to bribe me to finish a request faster. But for all intents and purposes those should both be supplemental income rather than my primary source of income.

For now, anyone who throws money at me will get a thank you doodle because that’s all I’ve got time for in the midst of packing and trying to focus on commissions.

Anyways yeah. Thanks for reading this blurb I guess.

TL;DR - I’m moving in a week, commissions are my priority at the moment aside from packing, my phone is out of service, and I need like $85 before June 1st so I can pay for my phone and credit card.

PayPal

[uk-metoidioplasty-diary]

I finally have a date for the first stage of metoidioplasty!

To give a brief rundown of what has happened so far, and what will be happening:

5th April – Phone call offering me a date

10th April – Email confirming date

11th April – Called St Peters to confirm some details

17th April – Pre-op consultation phone call

25th April – Surgery

I’ll be having first stage metoidioplasty with the buccalmuccosa graft placement for urethral lengthening with Mr Christopher at Highgate Hospital.  I was initially offered a slightly sooner date (20th with Mr Zacharakis) but I pushed for a bit more notice and wasn’t too keen on the idea of having surgery with someone that I’ve heard relatively little about so far.  I just don’t want to have to deal with any more unknowns than absolutely necessary as I’m finding the amount of variation in people’s experiences to be the most stressful part as it is.

There was initially a bit of confusion as on the phone I was told that I would be admitted that morning, and that I would stay for one night, but in the email it said I would be admitted the evening before surgery and still only stay the one night.  This was clarified and it turns out that I will be admitted the night before and will stay for two nights, i.e. the night before surgery and the night after surgery.  It was all sorted out fairly quickly, but I did find their attitude towards me questioning it a little off—although I may well be reading too much into it.

My emotions were all over the place after getting offered the date.  I was shivering and panicking for a while after agreeing to the date until I got called into work and had more pressing matters to focus.  When they offered me the date it was tempting to turn it down as I was hoping for more than two weeks’ notice, but I’m at the point where I need to have surgery and they couldn’t tell me when I get another date if I didn’t take this one.  Since then I’ve calmed down a lot.

The biggest thing that helped calm me down was sorting it all out work.  I walked in to talk to them in person as I find my boss hard enough to talk to at the best of times, so throwing phones into the mix as well makes it incredibly difficult.  He seemed to appreciate me putting the effort into going to talk to him in person on my day off.  As it happened he didn’t ask why I was having surgery, and actually reminded me that this is one of the things where I have to put myself first, not work (which is something that I needed to hear).  I’ve only had to tell three colleagues and chose to tell one other, although I’m sure they’ll all hear that I’m off soon enough.  They seem confused, and one jokingly got remarkably close to what I’m having done, but took the hint when I just reassured them that it’s nothing serious.  In retrospect I might have downplayed it a bit too much.

The pre-op consult didn’t tell me much that I didn’t already know.  To be honest it wasn’t particularly helpful, the main suggestion seemed to be to talk to Mr Christopher on the day to discuss aftercare.  It was mentioned that I should be able to arrange to see them in Harley Street for the catheter and dressings to be removed rather than having it done locally, which I would much prefer as the idea of having District Nurses in my house, let alone showing my genitals to them makes me want to cancel the whole thing.  Being in a medical setting with people who have some understanding of trans genitals and the procedure seems more palatable, and I know I’m a worrier and will find seeing people experienced with this more reassuring.

I find that there’s an expectation for me to be excited about this, and I’m really not.  I’m scared and dreading it.  I can’t think of much worse than having to interact with my genitals, worry about something going wrong, deal with a catheter, and live in an “in-between stage” for several months.  It’s unavoidable though if I want to get to the second stage.

Notes to remember for the future:

Take the date, you’ll make it work somehow

Don’t go into a panic, distract yourself

Break things down and make a list of what needs doing

Talk to work, you’ll feel better after getting it out of the way

Your health comes before the convenience of work

People will get the hint if you don’t want to discuss what it’s all about

It’s okay to ask for help if you need it

Share only what you want, again, you come first

[solliewriter]

4 lessons from 4 novels

Novel 1

Novel 1 wasn't actually my first attempt at a novel, but it was the first one that had "the end." It took me approximately six years to complete the first draft. But that first draft wasn't the first telling by any measure. Oh no. I rewrote the entire idea about ten times, getting several hundred pages in (or a hundred thousand words) more than four times before realizing there was a crucial flaw that would utterly destroy the plot and/or the characters. The idea had been a wild conglomerate of inspirations that all revolved around a few key scenes. In every iteration of that story, a different plotting device was used. Sometimes I pantsed, sometimes I plotted, sometimes I did both.

The idea was complex. It had a main cast of about twenty characters, over a hundred named characters, and mysteries so weird that I, the writer, couldn't figure them out until the very end. It was a heartfelt mess of motivations, plots, and magic. I was in way over my head with this. I knew that, but still I kept going. As mentioned, this wasn't my first attempt at a novel. Given that past history, I desperately wanted this story to have two marvelous words: "The End." Out of pure stubbornness, I found a semblance of a plot and finished it.

After writing the ending, I swore I'd never try to write the story again. That was a lie: I will try to write this story again.

The lesson: Although this was the most painful story I've written, I learned so much from it. I learned the most after I was able to write "The End." I was able to look back and see the whole picture of what I had done, and the simplicities. I was right in that I needed the ending. Fighting to the finish taught me more than anything. Now that I've written "The End" a few times, I don't feel the pressure to finish ideas once I realize they're underdeveloped. I know I can set them aside and do something else until the ideas have finished marinating in my brain. Because I finished it, I've built confidence. So, for me, this story is valuable to me because it ended, and not because it's a good story.

Novel 2

Novel 2 came near the end of the "first" draft of Novel 1. I was going through Pinterest when I came across some beautiful imagery. I intended to use that imagery for a short story. Alas, the story spilled out over the course of 71k words. It was a simple adventure, and since I was struggling with the complexity of Novel 1, I was happy to keep it simple. It allowed me to focus solely on fleshing out the characters, who are now some of my best. Two other people read this novel chapter by chapter, and encouraged me to keep on with it. I finished the first draft in a year. I'm on my third draft, and there is little that has changed between the first and third writing.

The lesson: it's okay to keep things simple. It helped me build confidence and helped me remember the pure simple fun of creating stories. Writing simple adventures solely because you want to, especially when multitasking with a bigger project, is perfectly okay. And, the simpler it is, the easier it is to pants.

Novel 3

Novel 3 was different. I came up with the original idea around the same time as Novel 1. I had a giant folder of ideas, of summarized scenes and dark overtones. There was no plot, no backstory, only a mystery and two characters platonically in love with each other. At 13, I knew I was too young to write the novel. I wanted the characters to be older. I wasn't ready to write older characters.

At the time, though I didn't realize this, I also wanted a complex plot that I also wasn't ready to write.

So, I promised myself to only write these characters once I was 18 years old. As fate would have it, that was the year I finished Novel 1 and 2, the year I was ready to write about characters I had only dreamed about. Though it had been years, I still knew only the main premise and impressions of scenes. The only fully formed idea was the relationship and the attitudes of the two protagonists.

The plot? The skeleton was half-finished and half clear. But, like magic, the plot unfolded as I wrote. Symbolism, randomly chosen, exploded with meaning. Important yet mysterious details became clear. Dozens of different strands came together in such a way that, once again, completely changed how thought about the writing process. Although the first draft was 108k words long (several hundred pages), I wrote it in 3 months. This is partly because I remembered the lessons of my previous novels. This book is now ready for its third draft.

The lesson: it's okay to wait to write a story. Marvelous things can happen because of it. Ideas can develop, plots can be reformed, and best of all, the story will write itself because some part of the writer brain has already found the plot connections.

Novel 4

Novel 4 was the sequel of Novel 3. Because of this, I thought I could dive in a bit sooner than I was ready. As I wrote, I struggled to maintain subplots and continue stories from Novel 3. Brilliant ideas came and went. Although I knew the characters, this time I didn't know what events to throw at them. I had already challenged them with almost everything I knew in Novel 3. Now I had to do it again, but different, and if possible, even better. The resulting story had 25 plots, of which 4 were complete. It took me the entire novel and a few weeks of post-writing to understand why I had such a hard time with this story, a story I thought would be easy given I had been dreaming about it for many years. I wrote Novel 4 in five months, but it was a hard five months. The novel isn't half the mess of Novel 1, but it was messier than it needed to be for same reason Novel 1 was rewritten so many times.

The lesson: I need a simple, unadorned premise before I can write a novel.

Extrapolation on Lesson 4

This lesson was the lesson I'd failed to learn over the course of four novels. I was too amateur to understand the lesson for Novel 1. There was so much wrong with Novel 1 the lesson was lost in the clutter. For Novel 2, I was thinking that it succeeded because it was simple as a whole. I didn't credit its simplicity to its one-sentence premise.

I am not good at multitasking. I can't split my mind between two things, so I need to understand the core of what I'm writing. Otherwise I'll get lost in plots and ideas unrelated to what I actually want to write.

So, what is a good premise to help me?

The premise which drove Novel 2, as mentioned, is a sentence long. The premise which drove Novel 3 is a full paragraph long and makes use of spoilers and plot twists. Despite this, Novel 3 is still relatively simple, because all it does is declare the following:

The protagonist's goal;

an indication to the antagonist's goal;

and the detail that makes this story unique to me. I.e., the reason that this idea stands out.

Novel 2 premise is simple because the goal and the unique detail are the same. This isn't true of Novel 3.

What I lacked in Novel 4 was the indication of the antagonist's goal as well as the protagonist's goal. To top that, I forgot the lesson about complexity and reverted to my old habit of thinking that if I make it more complex, then surely the antagonist/protagonist goals will arise. But no. Complexity is built on simplicity. Even if the original idea is complex, I must first break it down to its skeletal core before writing it. Otherwise, when writing, I can get so lost in the complexity that the core is lost. I need to be able to return to the core to understand the complexity.

The premise is the heart of the story. I can put fancy garments over the top of it, but without that heart, the story has nothing to keep it alive.

[noquiznaksweregiventhatday]

What do you think season 5 is going to be like?

Ohhhh boy.

Okay, so first and foremost, I am going to say that I have no idea. I had ideas about what I thought season 4 was going to be like, but those were all completely thrown out the window. I have some speculations of what may happen, so here we go (this post got way too long):

Lotor is going to join Team Voltron

As much as I dislike this, that is what they’re building up to. In multiple interviews both the producers/writers and the voice actors have hinted heavily at a Lotor character arc, meaning it is highly likely that he will join them. Hell, even Bex Taylor-Klaus said that Lotor reminded her of Zuko, who was the antagonist for some time but later joined up with Team Avatar.

Lotor also saved Keith’s life, which he is going to use as leverage to join the team. Because he “proved” that he could save one of the “good guys”, that may open more doors for him to join.

Of course, Lotor may not join until later seasons. It’s very possible season 5 is going to open with Voltron saying “I think the fuck not you trick as bitch” and running off. Lotor joining, at least as far as I can tell, is inevitable though. 

Lance will finish his character arc

We still need to finish Lance’s arc, and I think it will be rounded off in season 5. Of course, no one in Voltron is truly ever done with their character arc, but we will at least get more closure on it, similarly how we did in both season 1 and season 2. 

They’re running out of time and still have yet to even scratch the surface of some of the characters, so they have to finish up Lance’s arc soon. Therefore,  season 5 is the soonest at this point they can finish it.

Right now, as we can all see, Lance’s character arc is focusing on his place on the team. As time progresses, I’m thinking Lance’s arc may morph into a sexuality arc. Here’s why:

The sign image, which I’m sure all of us have seen at this point

If he is bisexual, it perfectly coincides with not really “having a place”. Speaking from personal experience, you can feel as if you don’t really fit in anywhere, because you aren’t “straight” enough for the straights and not “gay” enough for the gays.

We already see Lance struggling with his sense of belonging, so it could easily morph into his sexuality arc

It’s a general assumption that we will get lgbtq+ rep in the show, and Lance seems like a likely candidate 

Pretty much anything Jeremy Shada says

Keith returning, another possible lion scramble

Keith is going to come back. Not even just for story purposes, but also for merchandising. The producers/writers said that they wanted Shiro away longer, but were forced to bring him back sooner so they could sell more merch. Keith would not be excepted from this, and especially with the backlash from the last season, the executives are going to want him back.

With Keith coming back, another lion switch may ensue. I discussed this briefly in my post about Lance and Shiro’s eventual bond, but I basically just said that a lion switch may happen again and either Lance or Shiro will be forced out. 

The thing about it, though, is I’m still not sure if Keith will force either of them out. Look at the scene after the bedroom scene. Keith was willing to step down to let Shiro lead. We also all know that Keith thinks of Shiro as the true leader of Voltron, but also doesn’t want to force Lance out. 

So, about 99% positive Keith will return in some shape or form, not 100% about another lion switch

Clone Shiro

I can’t believe I forgot to even mention the possibility that Shiro could be a clone in my Lance and Shiro post!

Anyway, I sitll think there’s a chance that Shiro could be a clone. So many people have carefully analyzed and dissected scenes and brought forward theories about it, so I’ll link some of my favorite here:

 Long Analysis

Pupil Camera Sound

And, I do always like looking at the other side, so here’s somewhat of a counter analysis

Here’s also another theory different than the Clone Shiro one (by the same person) 

I won’t go too much in depth here, but I still think the theory is valid after season 4. If it does end up being true, they’ll probably reveal it soon so Lance can finish his character arc with the actual Shiro (see my Shiro and Lance bond post if you have no clue what I’m talking about). If they do intend to finish Lance’s character arc in season 5, they’ll have to reveal Clone Shiro before if they want Lance to come out to the real Shiro.

Another thing: The producers/writers were forced to bring back Shiro. If they brought a clone back, they would have found a loophole and they could still do what they want with the real Shiro.

Relationships?

At this point, relationships in the show are still up in the air. To be perfectly honest, I don’t think we’ll have any relationships in season 5. While it is possible, any potential relationships are on the backburner right now and aren’t a main focus of the show. The only way I could see a relationship occurring in season 5 is

a. As a direct result of Lance’s potential character arc. I.e, if Lance does come out, a relationship with him and a guy

or

b. As an indirect result of Lance’s potential character arc. I.e, Shiro revealing he’s in a relationship to Lance so if Lance comes out he has someone to relate to

or

c. A love triangle between Matt, Lance, and Allura

That’s all I’ll say for now on that topic

So, now looking back I realize I may not have answered your question, but rather kinda dodged it. 

To answer your question: I have hopes for season 5. Odd seasons so far are my favorites, and maybe season 5 will be like that. I think it’s going to probably have darker undertones and perhaps some themes on sexuality!

(Sorry for this being so long)

[celebistar]

Personal: Hiatus

Personal venting; warnings, frank talk about my own poor mental health lately, specifically anxiety, so if you're not feeling well yourself you should probably avoid.

Honestly, I’m really on-edge right now as I’m writing this, but I felt I had to get something out or I just cannot sleep (not that it’s easy anyway with jetlag…) It feels really strange b/c I haven't done this type of really-personal ‘feelings’ post/rant for a long time now, not since I was RPing but well…sometimes you just gotta get your feelings out.

It isn’t really any one thing or aspect or event in particular, but just lately, especially in the past month or two, I’ve noticed myself engaging less and less with Nobunagun, i.e. fanart/fanfics. Partly it’s just the cycles of life and work and limited time, but honestly the truth is, I feel that I am…reaching the end of my “Nobunagun rope”, so to speak. Lately I’ve just been mentally burnt out, not because of any one thing, but instead of the raging wildfire I used to feel whenever I engaged in my fics and art at like 1:30am, I just feel…oh. Like neither like nor dislike, which it in and of itself is nothing wrong, but for someone like me who has always bounced from obsession to obsession—and I mean that quite literally—it’s a scary and strange feeling. Frankly, I don’t know if I like it; not being able to fall back onto my creative imaginations whenever I want to, whether it’s to pass time due to boredom or to help me cope when other stressful things happen in my life.

Now, most people would probably say ‘well that’s normal isn’t it? Interests always change’ and yes, they do; in fact, before Nobunagun I inevitably shifted interests after a while—I think YGO was the first really big one, but even before that there were myriad of series like Digimon, Cardcaptors, etc. etc…and each time I thought ‘wow, GX (or some other series) is so great, I don’t know how I can run out of ideas!’ but gradually I did move on—usually because some other interest caught my eye and was more exciting, so by the time I consciously realized I wasn’t super obsessed with the previous one, it was more like an ‘oh well’. I never really stopped to think or really miss it, because there was always something new to entertain me, keep me thinking at 110% (kinda like serial dating now that I think about it, like those people who keep chasing that initial ‘high’ you get at the start of something new but you can never maintain). Now that I am sort-of-kind-of in that phase of ‘whoa, something’s obviously wrong if you’re feeling mentally unwell so let’s take a step back’, I think it is true; that, honestly, it isn’t healthy to have an obsessive relationship with Nobunagun 24/7. It may seem strange that I am using relationship terms to describe a fandom, but I think they are parallels in many ways. But there’s a difference and it’s that Nobunagun is just a thing, a really great thing yes—but it’s not a person. It doesn’t make decisions or tell me what to do; frankly everything I choose to engage in, is 100% in my own control. But somehow, over the course of being a fan, I seemed to have imposed these really strange, invisible ‘pressures’ on myself, so to speak. Perhaps it comes from having a mind that is either all or nothing when it comes to interests, or maybe it’s because I always managed to move on to something more exciting before the old interest fully waned. I don’t know.

All I know is that whatever my ‘relationship’ with Nobunagun is right now, it’s not healthy nor good. Realistically speaking, I know it’s nearly impossible to like something 100% of the time, 24/7. I believe it is possible to sustain interests for your entire life—drawing, writing, gaming—or even series—I mean, I myself have loved the Fire Emblem series ever since they came out in the US and I don’t see myself stopping anytime soon. But unlike Nobunagun, Fire Emblem has always been what I would consider a ‘background’ interest; it’s always there but I rarely engage in what I would consider fandom activities, such as drawing fanart or writing fanfiction. Hell, I rarely even read FE fanfiction anymore (though I used to). Yet despite all this, despite advice from people I trust and love, and despite my own logical mind telling me this…I just can’t seem to let it go. At least, not easily. For some reason the very thought of no longer liking Nobunagun as I used to, so passionately—not even just no longer interested but just ‘not as interested as before’…it sends me into panic attacks. In fact I have actually been suffering quite bad anxiety these past few weeks because of this very dilemma—unable to focus, panicking the second I see something Nobunagun and I don’t feel excited, trouble sleeping…I mean hell I’ve even had trouble starting new anime series because there’s always this inkling in the back of my mind ‘what if this is the show that replaces Nobunagun?' I don’t know why I think of it as that; I don’t know why I have this self-imposed chain around myself and Nobunagun, even though it’s all my own thoughts. I just know what is, and that’s just what it feels like. I don’t know why I have such a severe trepidation of something else replacing Nobunagun even though it’s just how interests come and go and frankly, it was Nobunagun that replaced Eyeshield 21 before it.

Now, most people would say this is a sign that I should probably take a step back and re-evaluate just what it is that’s actually important in my life, and take care of myself—no thinking of Nobunagun, no trying to churn out another 2-3 chapters or another illustration in a week. And I do agree; I know, deep down, that this is warning sign that if I don’t change something soon, then I won’t even be able to salvage my love for Nobunagun—it’ll just turn into a destructive mess that ends with the only recourse being complete and utter amputation. Which is definitely not something I want. And yet it’s really hard to tell myself that it will be okay, that I will come out of this maybe not liking Nobunagun with a raging passion 110% of the time but maybe only like 30% of the time, and that’s okay—but somehow it’s very difficult to convince myself of that (if it were, trust me I wouldn’t be up typing this at 1am). I’m very much reminded of a time earlier, when I was still very active in RPing and I went through a very similar upheaval…how I couldn’t imagine not RPing anymore, how I couldn’t imagine going on in the fandom without it…but in the end, looking back I know I made the right choice, and I came out better for it. I didn’t lose my love of Nobunagun after basically stopping role-playing, and I learned, slowly, to be passionate about it again without being anxious. I came out all right and what’s more I felt l learned a lot and became a better person because of those hard times. And when that time really came, it just faded naturally and without fear—these days let’s be honest, I don’t RP anymore, even though I have the accounts—they’re honestly just there for archival/dump purposes. So that’s how I know I made the right choice…I have no regrets and I don’t/didn’t feel fear when I stopped roleplaying. It just happened naturally, and I can still look back on those times fondly.

So maybe this phase right now is just another one of those hard obstacles that I have to face, sooner or later, maybe it didn't even have to be with Nobunagun but it just so happens that Nobunagun is the thing that I'm into now…maybe it’s a reconciliation of the last remnants of being a ‘super-fan’, that Nobunagun may be the last fandom I really feel a lot of passion for, and it’s hard to say good-bye to what feels like a huge part of what defined you. Maybe it’s something else. Maybe I’ll come out of this with a looser, but still warm relationship with Nobunagun. As my boss (of all people) once told me, ‘think of it as trading fireworks for a comfortable shirt; in the beginning of anything, it feels like there’s always fireworks going off because it’s so new and exciting, but after a while things start to even out and you don’t always feel excited, all the time. It becomes more like wearing a comfortable old shirt; it’s kind of the same over and over, but it’s familiar and comforting. And when those fireworks do come again, it’ll still be exciting—but just not all the time, so when they come you’ll treasure them.’

Maybe that’s the real answer; what I would like to be able to do, is like so many of my friends, is to rotate through different interests—Fire Emblem when a new banner comes out, whatever anime I happen to be watching this season—and go back and forth so when I’m thinking ‘hey, I don’t feel like writing Nobunagun stuff’ I can go and engage with something else. Yet it doesn’t feel like I can, even though I know I am capable of it; back when I was into YGO Zexal, I actually went between different fandoms quite often—off the top of my head were Star Trek, Mass Effect, but at the same time I never lost interest in Zexal; it was just kind of there, and I went back to it after a while. So, I know from past experience I’m capable of it…and back then, I didn’t feel any sort of fear or trepidation of being into something else—but of course each experience is different and it could be that the new thing didn’t allow me room to question whether or not I still liked the old thing—but anyway that’s a different topic.

Going back and actually reading my personal posts during that really bad mental period where I had to take a hiatus from RPing and Tumblr in general (or the ones that I haven’t deleted anyway), it actually is strangely calming because it proves to me, gives me physical evidence that I went through something so painful and never thought I would be okay but guess what I turned out okay. So it gives me hope…that this too, like everything else shall pass. It’s also kind of ironic that many of the things that I said then are what I’m saying now—so I don’t know, maybe it means something, maybe it doesn’t.

But what I do know, is that for the time being, I must take a step back. I must find a way to break these self-imposed chains that force me to think ‘you must obsess over Nobunagun 24/7’ so it doesn’t consume me to the point where my mental health deteriorates. So I don’t end up seeing Nobunagun as a dark spot in my life, but rather a positive thing and something that I will continue to like, but in a more balanced relationship. Not freaking out when I realize that maybe I’m just too tired to think about Nobunagun right now, and knowing that a lot of this is honestly the anxiety talking. Speaking of which, the sucky part about anxiety is that there isn’t a cure—it’s a condition, but you can manage it, and not let it define you. Meditation has done a lot for me, both in the past and now more than ever, and also just writing things out—hence why this really long-ass post.

Anyway; strange how writing things out and admitting your deepest fears can make them seem less scary and overwhelming. Perhaps that’s the point of journaling and such? Although my handwriting is so terrible these days and so slow that it’s faster for me to type rather than keep an analog journal…maybe some people will think that I am freaking out over nothing, that a fandom is nothing to lose sleep over but well, we all have our vices I suppose. I mean hey, at least it’s just a static thing, and not say, an abusive partner.

In any case, for the immediate time being I will be going on hiatus—just like that time when I kept getting anxiety about RPing, and I had to take a step back—I must do that now, too. Frankly I don’t think it will make much of a difference since I rarely update here anyway but on that note, I will not be checking for notifs/contacts on Tumblr or really anywhere else. i don’t know when I’ll ‘come back’ and honestly I don’t want to keep putting myself on schedules or deadlines; when I feel ready, I’ll know and it’ll happen naturally. I have the most wonderful friends and family so have no fear, I will not be alone. I’m sure I’ll be back, when I feel ready.

[arplis]

Arplis - News: “Hang on to your hat, toots.” — my life, the last few weeks

(Starting with this update.) We’ve officially transitioned mini to school and she loves it. We were pleasantly surprised at how smoothly it all went. The only hiccup so far has been figuring out pick up in the afternoon. For the first few days, I dropped her off and picked her up alone because she had such odd hours (i.e., one hour from 10:05-11:05 one day, then two hours from 9:30 to 11:30 the next day, etc.) and it would have been impossible for Mr. Magpie to handle either end given his work schedule. I would usually just post up in a nearby coffee shop and get some work done, but it was a pretty disruptive week, especially coordinating breastfeeding around it. Then we transitioned to more of the expected routine: Mr. Magpie drops her off in the mornings on his way to work. I had intended to have our nanny pick her up in the afternoons so I could stay home with micro for breastfeeding purposes, and so after I felt we had the morning routine down pat, I decided to bring our nanny with me to pick mini up so I could show her the ropes and pass the baton. When mini saw our nanny first (before seeing me), she dissolved into tears. I had given her a heads up that our nanny would be there, too, but I think she was upset that I wasn’t the first face she saw (the best part of my day has been seeing her beaming face when I arrive at the door — “there’s my mama!” she shrieks). The school had warned us about this, noting that kids can be very thrown off by disruptions to routine, and encouraging us to stay consistent with who drops off and who picks up. Now I know why. Mini was apoplectic and close to impossible to maneuver home (i.e., refusing stroller, refusing to walk, laying down on the subway floor — oh.my.GOD). After that incident, I chatted with her teacher and we decided that I should continue to handle pick-ups for the next few weeks before introducing our nanny into the mix — just too much change for that little one. Besides, I hadn’t anticipated it, but our little pocket of thirty minutes on our way home is nearly always the highlight of my day. I love hearing about her day, smothering her with kisses, holding her little willing hand as we walk towards the subway stop. And so this whole transition to school has been relatively smooth all things considered but still quite a change for everyone. Routines in the morning are planned down to a millisecond and I’m busy getting that little one fed, toileted, dressed, brushed, and out the door by 8 a.m. Gone are the leisurely mornings nursing micro in bed! And then — oh! The apartment is deafeningly silent in mini’s absence. She is a whirling dervish at home, flitting from activity to activity in constant chatter and singsong. I have found myself straining to hear her on multiple occasions, my heart in my throat. Changes all — most of them welcome, some of them…skeptically accepted. Meanwhile, the apartment hunt continued. We saw at least fifteen units all up and down the West side of Manhattan, a few spots on the UES, and one in DUMBO. It was exhausting, in large part owing to the underhandedness of the broker situation. There are so many misrepresentations in listings — “3 bedrooms!” is often “2 bedrooms but you can split the second to make a third with a partition” or “2 bedrooms plus a closet with a questionable window that could be a nursery” or “2 bedrooms plus a dangerous loft where no child should ever sleep.” And then there are things like “washer and dryer in unit!” — only you arrive and find you will be responsible for purchasing the washer/dryer, though there is a hook-up available. And “available immediately!” only you arrive with your baby in a carrier and your toddler wrangling out of your grip and find yourself in a construction zone, sawdust coating our lungs and electric saws buzzing inches from our faces (i.e., decidedly not available immediately). There’s this shadiness, and then there’s the fact that the NY rental market moves at the speed of light — aka a frenetic pace ill-suited towards families with small children and lots of moving parts. New places are listed daily and are often gone within a day or two, and you are meant to move in within a week — and if you aren’t planning to move in immediately, you’ll probably be passed up as an applicant for the unit because brokers don’t want to sit on a vacant unit. They’ll just wait another day or two for someone willing to move in sooner. I mean, can you imagine?! It’s too much pressure! How can you expect a family to find a place and move within a week?! At any rate, after seeing fifteen places, we put in an application on a unit with about a month left on our current lease and were passed up because the landlord’s broker pulled a weird stunt on us, using our application offer (rent is almost always negotiable in NY) to go back to another applicant that had been interested in the apartment to get them to counter with an earlier lease start date and a slightly higher rent offer. The brokers hadn’t made this information known to us, of course (we would have happily matched the offer), and had instead more or less counseled us to submit the offer we did (“I’ll encourage the landlord to accept it,” stated the broker — grrr) to push the other couple to sign immediately. And so we suddenly found ourselves back at square one, with no apartment lined up and the clock ticking. When we heard the news, it took every ounce of my personal resolve to avoid bursting into tears. I had loved the unit, but more than that — I had loved the idea of being done with the search and able to move forward with next steps. The night we found out, I woke up at 3 a.m. shivering uncontrollably — my teeth were actually chattering! — and aching all over. A few hours later, I woke up and had sweated through my clothes. It went on like this — sweats, chills, achiness, splitting headache — for several days. I eventually went to see the doctor who confirmed I had picked up some kind of virus but I’m convinced that my shock and stress level at discovering we had no apartment with less than four weeks to go had triggered it, or left me in such a state of weakness that any old virus could have shut me down. I somehow managed to muscle through last week, sick as a dog, visiting a new battery of listings all over the place. We also had a bizarrely busy social schedule (we’re normally homebodies), with two receptions and a cocktail hour we hosted — and then there was mini’s meltdown owing to the nanny’s pick up at school right smack dab in the middle. During that epic tantrum, I’d had to carry mini by her arms up the subway stairs while I also had micro strapped to me in the carrier. She had turned into a jellyfish and would.not.climb.the.stairs and also would.not.let.the.nanny.come.near.her. I had no choice, after attempting to reason with her and cajole her for about five minutes while no-nonsense, in-a-rush New Yorkers trampled us at the foot of the steps, but to pick her up by her arms and carry her up the steps in front of me, like a noodle. That debacle led me to pull a muscle in my abdomen which in turn made breathing hurt for a couple of days — though at the time, I wasn’t sure if the pain in my side was related to the virus or something more serious, and so the doctor ran a gamut of tests, had me x-rayed, etc. (It all turned out clear — just a strained muscle from trying to carry forty-five pounds of children up the stairs in the most awkward maneuver known to womankind. Go figure.) Somewhere along the way, micro picked up whatever virus I had and suddenly my world was literally collapsing on itself. There were a few nights where I was up with poor micro every hour of the night. It got so bad that I had to ask Mr. Magpie to split shifts with me, but even then it was impossible to sneak in a stretch of sleep because we are all about two feet from one another. The baby was running a fever and battling an upset stomach and so we were covered in baby vomit, shivering/sweating together, and mind-numbingly exhausted. And did I mention that while I believe I hold or can reach a sense of perspective in most parenting-related matters, when it comes to ill children, I lose my bearings?! I worry myself sick, wondering if I’m overlooking a symptom and what I believe to be a run-of-the-mill cold is actually something more nefarious. I clutch them in my arms and cry over them. It is physically painful for me to see my babies unwell. Then, on Friday, I woke with the worst migraine I have ever had in my life. I could not see straight. I could barely walk. Turning my head to the left or right was shockingly painful. I was so sensitive to light that I had to stay in my bedroom with the blinds drawn. I could not rally myself to put on clothes and pick up mini from school — I had to call Mr. Magpie and ask him to leave work early to get her. On top of it all, micro was scheduled to be Baptized two days later and I had my parents coming into town, with fabulous dinner plans to boot. I was defeated. That was the lowpoint. The lowpoint of this year (fingers crossed), and in fact the last two years — since the last botched and stressful move, come to think of it. But as quickly as everything had spiraled out of control, it all came back into focus. We found another — better! — apartment, this one a “classic prewar six” in Manhattan terms. (A classic prewar six refers to an apartment configuration with six rooms — three bedrooms (one smaller, typically referred to as a “maid’s room,” perfect for a nursery), living room, kitchen, formal dining room — in a building constructed before WWII, and therefore likely to be rife with traditional charm. You won’t find open concept floor plans with a classic 6, which Mr. Magpie and I rather like. These buildings also tend to be very well-constructed — i.e., “they just don’t make them like that anymore.”) When we went uptown to sign the lease, the broker walked us through the unit and something inside me relaxed. I could instantly see the wonderful life we would have there, with much more space, a dedicated nursery for micro, a larger kitchen, and a bedroom for mini that is large enough to accommodate all of her toys, her activity table, her dollhouse, and all the other bulky items that currently reside in our living area. I’m sure her toys will still find their way into our living room, but no longer will it be their primary home, praise God. A friend of mine recently said that “a cluttered house is a cluttered mind,” and I think this, too, is why this stretch of the last few weeks has been so overwhelming. We are busting out of this apartment as micro grows and has new needs and more clothing and bigger diapers and all that jazz. Micro and I both overcame our ailments (for the most part) around the same time and managed to enjoy his Baptism feeling more like ourselves. (I wore the dress mentioned here.) We had a beautiful morning with friends and family, enjoying brunch after his Christening smooshed in like sardines around a small table at Cafe Luxembourg, whose boisterous environment matched the general ebullience of the moment. I looked around the table at one point and thought how lucky I am, and how insignificant all my travails of the previous week were in the grand scheme. I mean, let me be real: everything is horrible when you feel sick, and everything is doubly horrible when you feel sick and are caring for an ill infant while going on four months of sleeplessness. And moving is stressful, full-stop. But there we were, closer to the other side, with the happiest occasion in front of me. A happy and newly healthy baby, welcomed into the Church, the presence of my loved ones, the promise of a new, more spacious beginning on the Upper West Side. And on we go… What’s happening with you? Post Scripts. +What are your most memorable golden moments/golden hours? Brunch after micro’s Baptism is up there. +OK, mini would die and go to heaven with this. +A perfect Christmas dress for a little lady. +Expect some more home decor related posts soon, as we need to purchase a number of pieces of furniture. I am already eyeing a couple of rugs, and Horchow has such a great selection (on sale) — love this for mini’s room, or maybe this. Although I’ve been chastened — probably not good to have a light colored rug in a toddler’s room. May need to explore darker/more patterned styles. +I love this oversized houndstooth scarf. +So excited we’re closing in on sweater weather. +Likely my next headband acquisition. +I like this slim hamper for micro’s nursery… +I’m a copycat. +I ordered one of these tags for mini’s stroller, which we store at the school during the day since Mr. Magpie drops her off and I pick her up. It’s perfect! I was impressed with the quality and speed of design/shipping. Going to order some more for her bags. A cute add-on to a gift for a little one, too. +I love these for keeping my phone free of fingerprints. +A good dupe for those Paris Texas snakeskin boots that are all over the place. +A fun tee. +A great dish to display fruit/citrus on your counter. The post Lately… appeared first on The Fashion Magpie. #Parenting #NewYork #Musings #NewYorkLife #Parenthood

Arplis - News source https://arplis.com/blogs/news/hang-on-to-your-hat-toots-my-life-the-last-few-weeks

[aceofaces20]

What would be a valid thing to submit as evidence for adhd? I feel like my teachers never noticed anything, all it ever says on my report is 'quiet', and im in the uk and you need school reports for diagnosis, and i feel like i wont be taken seriously cos they dont say 'bouncing off the walls' or something

I feel you, nonny. I wasn’t diagnosed until college because I was just “quiet.”

Odds are, if a lot of the symptoms add up enough to make you SUSPECT you have ADHD, you probably have it. But more research is always good!

So like many things, ADHD is a spectrum. The two ends of it are Inattentive to Hyperactive- and then you have people like me, in the middle, with the Combined version. Some people have more Inattentive than Hyperactive, some have more Hyperactive than Inattentive. Everyone who has ADHD experiences the symptoms a little differently.

You can find about six thousand symptoms lists online, but here I’ll tell you things that usually don’t end up on those lists that my therapist told me a lot of her patients ended up experiencing aside from listed symptoms.

(Note: Initially I tried to keep these short. Yeah, that didn’t work. I bolded the important parts.)

1. Insomnia, or at least a super screwy sleep schedule. No joke, this can be super detrimental and will only serve to exacerbate your symptoms. “Just set a sleep schedule!! You’ll feel better!” they all say- Thanks Barbara if I had any control over when my brain chooses to sleep at all I wouldn’t have this issue, ok?

-a solution to this is to, in all actuality, condition yourself. Start ONLY using your bed for sleep. Get a little chair or something in your room if you’re also a hermit like I was growing up (mushroom chairs are gr9) and once you get out of bed, don’t let yourself get back on it for more than a few minutes unless you’re going to sleep.

Some nights it’s not enough, but in general for me personally this has been an actual lifesaver- I can go from being not tired to exhausted at the drop of a hat in normal life anyway (another symptom they don’t usually tell you about) so it’s nice to be able to make it work for me for once- I get into bed, maybe spend 30 minutes restless and then I’m out.

2. On the subject of sleep. You kids ever heard of the sleep of the dead? Because guess what, I have ignored literal fire alarms in dorms because of it. About 1-2 hours into my sleep I enter a state akin to a bear hibernating. I have slept through wake-up alarms, slept through emergency alerts, slept through FIRE alarms, slept though friends and family attempting to wake me… you get the picture.

3. On the note of the hibernating bear. You constantly wake up angry (or at least disgruntled) at the universe and take a really, really long time to power on. No, I’m not talking “a case of the mornings.” I’m talking it takes me until noon some days to actually feel somewhat alert. I’m talking feeling nothing but seething rage at anyone who tries to engage you in higher brain function before you’re fully awake.-the seething rage is more personal to me, but, every single last one of my friends who’s ADHD has issues getting up in the morning. There’s hating mornings, and then there’s hating mornings.

4. About mornings. You’re constantly late to anything in the morning because you just couldn’t “get going.” i.e., you knew and 100% wanted to get up and get moving but your brain said “nah, let’s just sit here on tumblr mobile for a while k?”-it’s very difficult to describe this part of executive dysfunction with words, because it comes off as laziness to a lot of neurotypicals. It’s not laziness. It’s having the motivation and and will and the drive to do something and not forgetting about it and it still doesn’t get done.

“Why didn’t you do x?” they’ll ask. And you just sit there thinking shit, you meant to, really, honest to god meant to, it was on your brain to do and yet all you could actually do that day was sit around and watch terrible TV. And then you feel terrible because YOU think you’re lazy.It’s not laziness. It’s executive dysfunction.

5. Another not so well known EXDYF fact: Mental math or memorization for you will always be the literal bane of your existence. Teachers always told me I was a “smart kid” in school (I am, but not the point) and then they’d wonder why I couldn’t memorize a five line poem.

Or I’d start off with a 60 on a math test, until my teacher would comb through my work by hand (only useful math teacher I ever had in high school tbh) and I’d end up with a 92 because nearly all of my mistakes involved basic arithmetic errors. Even though I was able to use a calculator on the test.

(One time I decided 21-19=14. To this day 8 years later I still do not know from what abyss my brain pulled that info from.)

“You’re smart! Just focus!” I can’t choose what my brain decides to focus on that easily, Sharon, not without a lot of crying and panicking.

6. But wait! You say. I have really obscure information from a fandom that I can infodump on someone at a moment’s notice! Surely that means I’m just Lazy and Unmotivated, right? I guess I just can’t be bothered to memorize the important stuff.

*Loud buzzer noise* Stop right there. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

I will take you by the shoulders and look deep into your eyes and make you realize that guess what? If you have an ADHD brain, you have NO control over telling your brain what is important and what is not. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Your brain decides, and you usually get no say in the matter.

This sounds bad, I know. And in terms of school, birthdays, appointments, it’s terrible. But you’re not helpless. It sounds trite, but, get a good goddamn calendar app on your phone and use the hell out of it for appointments and birthdays. And for school? Find those fandoms and use mnemonics. No, seriously.

7. Also on school: You procrastinate the hell out of everything. And I’m not talking normal “haha I’ll do it later!” procrastination. I’m talking serious, problematic, REPEATED “why the fuck can’t I just do it on time like a normal person” procrastination where you start blaming yourself for not doing it sooner like a neurotypical.

Listen, buddy ol’ pal (or however that goes), you’re not neurotypical. But listen- there’s actually a medical reason why you do this.

So everyone’s brains have reward systems, right? Your brain gives you the feel good when you do something you think you should. And later, a brain remembers that it got the feel good for doing the thingy thing.

In a brain with ADHD, that reward system malfunctions. Sometimes critically. Your brain chucks so much stuff it deems “unnecessary” out the window it chucked out that feel good you got when you turned in that homework on time, or cleaned out your car, or did some pilates for 30 minutes.

8. You want to know what doesn’t help with number 7 there? Another thing that won’t show up on symptom lists but that virtually everyone I know with ADHD (quite a few, actually. Turns out we hang out in packs because we’re usually the only people who can understand each other) about ADHD is how daunting large tasks or projects seem to an ADHDer.

So listen, more medical talk here. Remember that EXDYF thing? Yeah, this is part of that.

EXDYF makes it very, very hard (almost impossible, sometimes) to break down large tasks into smaller, more feasible tasks. You get nervous the longer you put off that paper (“this isn’t something you can spit out overnight!”) You’ve been sitting in front of your computer for hours, and the only word you have written down is “The”.

Honestly, I’m not sure why it’s actually super hard to break down large undertakings into smaller tasks for the ADHD brain. But! Solution.

-if you’re having a problem breaking down ANY sort of task, I promise there’s someone else who’s done it online.

Need to write a paper? Use a template. Need to clean out your car? Find a checklist, or have a friend make you one (cause Lord knows I can’t make one on my own). Need to make a presentation? Find a sample one online. Hell, this even works for taxes. (Gasp!)

Do NOT be afraid to ask for help with even personal large undertakings. If your friends are actually your friends, then they’ll relish the chance. Especially when you can turn around and blaze through a quarter of the important project you two (or however many) have due next week in four hours because of hyperfocus.

9. So, your focus. Totally trash, right? That is, until you hyperfocus.

Hyperfocus, to a neurotypical, probably sounds great. Tune out all distractions and get shit done, right?

Sure, Linda, if you can call being able to ignore things like the need to sleep, eat, and use the bathroom “tuning out distractions.” Time becomes a literal illusion. And damn do you pay for it later by your brain not wanting to do anything at all.

On the flip side, this is why ADHD people make fantastic emergency workers like EMTs and firepeople. If you learn what to do with adrenaline when you start feeling it, you feel like you could punch Satan himself when you’re riding an adrenaline+hyperfocus high. Combine that with the fast-paced, unexpected nature of such jobs and and you have a happy ADHD brain because it’s never bored.

10. Because boredom feels like death. No, Cheryl, I’m not being overdramatic. Yes, Becky, I recognize everyone has to deal with boredom.

A neurotypical’s boredom and an ADHDer’s boredom are two very different levels of boredom. Ever heard the phrase “bored to tears”? Now imagine every time you get even a little bored, it’s like this.

And of course, the ADHD hell brain remembers the bad feels of being bored but can’t recall how nice it was to remember all of the answers on a quiz that one time you paid attention in class.This is why I have the worst problems doing homework and housework, or in general anything with serious repetition (exercise, cooking, driving, tidying up etc.). I can do it for maybe 10-15 minutes, and then my brain’s like “k I’m good. Next source of input please?” like, brain, I’m only like 3 feet into washing the kitchen floor. P l s.

11. Speaking of tears. Has rejection by someone you value ever felt like you wanted to quit existing on the spot, or at the very least wanted to move to an ice cave in Greenland and cry for the rest of your life? Even if the rejection was just perceived rejection and your friend was just expressing grumpiness at something else?

Even if your logic says “they didn’t reject you calm down you’re overreacting?”

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. It’s a newer term, but honestly, once I found out about my own ADHD and this bitch of a symptom a loooooooot of my weird habits started making a lot of sense in my head.

It doesn’t have to be actual “rejection”. It can get set off from stuff like awkwardness (hence my personal resistance to making Adult Phone Calls) to disbelief (a huge, huge reason so many people go undiagnosed), to personal judgment and/or criticisms (oh, ok… I guess I’ll never mention my love for X ever again) to even just indifference (no one noticed I mopped all the floors in the house… guess I’ll just go die!).

Basically, if you perceive that someone you care about has dismissed you in some fashion, you literally just want to quit existing. On the spot. Because the feeling of it makes you feel sick, your chest gets tight, you can feel it in your hands, and it makes the rest of your day miserable.This variant is more likely with people you care about, but can definitely 100% happen with strangers too.

Another variant is this: if you perceive that someone (whether you care about them or not) has dismissed you in some fashion, your first instinct is to attempt to disregard and discard them completely. It usually doesn’t work like you want it to.

I’m pretty sure this is another reason why ADHD people hang out in packs. We always have a line in our head we’re terrified to cross with our friends. It makes us seem like we’re emotionally unavailable- but in reality we’re just terrified of being dismissed by our friends for showing our true geeky, infodumping, hyperfixating selves.

(Listen. If a friend mocks you for your true self they weren’t your friend in the first place.)

12. But in terms of crossing that line… Social cues? What are social cues?

Normal people can infer a lot from body language. With a lot of ADHD people, we tend not to notice. Or we notice too much and overanalyze. There’s no in between.

On a side note, your best bet for flirting successfully with an ADHDer is to just come out and say it. (Talk like an elcor. “Flirtatiously: I want to hear more.” or whatever innocent phrase it is you’re using to flirt. If they’re into Mass Effect, this will make them laugh, which means bonus points for you in their eyes.)But seriously, unless you’re making obviously romantic overtures we’re usually pretty sure you’re just being nice.

Back on topic: lack of social ability is a massive, massive reason people with ADHD are usually bullied growing up. If there aren’t any other ADHD people around, it usually feels like no one “gets” you. I was bullied horribly enough during junior high and high school to the point where I still have to repress the urge to automatically assume someone being nice to me means they’re plotting something behind my back. (Didn’t help that my hs was basically the Korriban Sith academy without most of the death. Culty, religious, nepotism ran rampant.)

13. Woe betide thee who angers the ADHD. It's not a problem with everyone, but... We’re like volcanoes. Awe-inspiring to watch in action, but God help you if we explode in your direction. And if it’s righteous anger there is almost literally no stopping us.

Anger has its uses. Our problem is that, like a volcano, we always have a lot simmering under the surface. We tend to hold onto it for ridiculous amounts of time until one day, boom. Yeah, I know, Kathy, that happens with everyone. Delayed gratification and all. The difference with ADHDers is that we usually don’t wait.

ADHDers’ anger will come out initially, because we can’t suppress it. We’re impulsive as fuck. We don’t think before we leap (our brains probably wouldn’t let us anyway). And it will seem like we are flying off the handle for no reason whatsoever. But we also have a tendency to unhealthily hold onto it afterwards even once the initial burst has happened. It’s like a (bad!) positive feedback loop.

14. Gotta bounce the leg. Gotta rock. Gotta fidget. Shit, I’m sorry, were you talking?

So one time I made it through 40 minutes of a math class actively suppressing the urge to bounce my leg… and then my leg twitched of its own accord. Freaky as shit, 0/10 recommend.

Sitting still is physically impossible for me, and for a lot of ADHDers. Lack of impulse control + lack of social cue knowledge + lack of ability to decide what’s important to our brains = Fidget fidget. Fidget fidget. Twitch. Fiddle with paper. Hey, my backpack has a fun texture by the zipper. Oh my God, that lady on the TV is wearing the best shade of blue ever! I wonder where she got it. Shit, I need to go shopping. Wait, why did I need to go shopping again?

“Hey I asked you what you got for number 7.”

Fuck.

15. Depressive episodes. For me, these usually happen after a major hyperfocus where I taxed my brain for all it was worth, especially for long periods of time.

If it lasts for a long time or starts seriously affecting your life, get it checked out. If your doctor gives a damn they’ll be happy you came in to get it checked, even if it was the wrong diagnosis, because if it had been then at least they were there to help you. And they’ll always be happy to sit down and figure out what’s wrong. I know they have to watch out for hypochondriacs and whatnot. But if a doctor really cares about helping people they’ll listen when you say something’s wrong, because they know that you’re the one in your skin, not them. Which means if you really think something might be wrong, something probably is.

More evidence: justexecutivedysfunctionthings here on tumblr. Contains people’s experiences with EXDYF, which is a huge red flag for ADHD.

The Wikipedia article on the subject. There’s a nicely organized chart. (Or at least there was when I looked at it.) Remember, you don’t have to identify with all of the symptoms to be ADHD. Even if you only identify with a few, if they’re significant enough that they are seriously impacting your life and existence, it’s worth getting checked out.

I may add more to this later/change some stuff as my memory allows.