#i.e i’ll focus on it more to get it done sooner

[euphor1a]

Hi, choose the first enhypen fic you want to see from this blog?

[phagodyke]

sorry if this is odd to ask but what is your workout routine? I’m trying to motivate myself into exercise again and seeing how other people do it helps. Have a good one!

meant to reply to this sooner but I forgor… getting round 2 it now tho! disclaimer I dunno as much abt exercise science as I’d like to + don’t rly have any 'training' so my approach just comes from personal experience - take this w a pinch of salt lol. I’ll split it in 2 parts: my routine first + then a list of things that personally motivate me in a reblog in case u find any of that useful >:-) (under the readmore cuz this ended up being kind of long 👇)

ok so: I try to ‘actively’ work out 5 days a week. this tends to be broken into 1-2 longer full-body sessions (around 60-120 mins long, at the mo usually bouldering/parkour or a full-body home workout) with a rest day before/after + then 3-4 shorter home workouts (30-60 mins long, usually some form of weight/resistance training, targeting specific muscle groups). e.g. a fortnightly workout timetable might look smth like this for me:

I don’t tend to plan specific workouts more than a few days in advance so I don’t actually follow an explicit timetable like this. instead I set aside an ‘exercise timeslot’ every day (usually 4-6pm) and I’ll intuitively decide how to work out on the day – i.e., what part of my body feels ready to go? what part feels tired + needs a break? do I have the energy/focus to do 45 mins or do I need to shorten it to 30? do i need a rest day? working out regularly means I have a good sense of how long I need for certain muscles to recover so if there’s an activity I want to do on a specific day (like a sports club I wanna attend) I’ll keep it in mind and plan accordingly so I’m fresh for that. as a rule of thumb, I avoid working the same muscle group on consecutive days + give myself a full rest day before & after any intensive full-body workout. I also try to never take more than 3 back-to-back rest days unless I’m sick/on my period/life gets in the way – otherwise its very easy for me to fall out of routine even if I’ve maintained it for months beforehand (<- adhd ass)

(also worth noting – my ‘rest days’ aren’t completely ‘inactive’ – I’ll go for a walk or do some stretches/yoga or another gentle activity instead. I need a lot of physical movement in my life or I go stir crazy <- adhd ass strikes again)

my ‘home workouts’ are the sort of movements u can do at a gym with the equipment there, but I replicate them with a yoga mat + my own weights + a sturdy chair. I have 6kg & 10kg pairs of dumbbells, plus yoga blocks + resistance bands for extra challenge. most of my workouts are based on resistance/interval training, which is focused on increasing strength by repeating sets of movements/holds at a consistent intensity/pace for specific lengths of time, with short timed rest periods in-between (e.g., a typical workout might look like 45 mins of 45 movements targeting 1-2 muscle groups, each done for 40 seconds followed by a 20 second break before immediately moving onto the next).  I like it bc I can rly feel the progress I make + find it satisfyingly challenging (<-masochist) but also bc its easy to tailor to my own ability/how much energy I have that day etc by changing weights/pace. it also works with my adhd brain bc I only have to do each movement for 40-50 seconds at a time before moving on to smth else so I don’t get as easily distracted (as opposed to doing like xyz number of reps for xyz sets). if you’re interested, I swear by caroline girvan – I’ve done her EPIC programmes a few times now + often cherrypick from her videos when I want to work certain muscle groups without sitting down + compiling a list of individual exercises + setting a timer myself. the ‘EPIC beginner’ series is a great intro to her longer ones, I sometimes use that to ease myself back into working out if I haven’t for a while, but be warned it isn’t aimed at ppl who are completely new to that style of exercise. I think she has an app now that comes with an ‘absolute beginner’ version + a 14 day free trial(?) so might be worth checking that out. I will admit some of her stuff is TOUGH - I still can't do all of them w the same weights/pace she does... I particularly struggled with wrist strength when I started out too and had to do some separate conditioning/strengthening exercises before I could even work up to doing like. a single push up on my knees... so if u do check her out try not to get put off by how crazy strong she is bc thats literally her career skfjkj the important thing is just doing it to the best of ur own ability/to ur point of hypertension + keeping good form throughout!!

full body home workouts are pretty much more of the same just longer since I'm hitting more muscles (i.e. 60-90 mins) + sometimes with cardio elements (altho I can’t do HIIT workouts involving jumping at home bc I’m a respectful upstairs neighbour 😔). If I go to the bouldering gym (I try to go fortnightly atm) I’ll usually spend ~2 hours, focusing on trying to send one route at a time until my arms give out. im currently getting confident with V2 grades and tentatively working on V3s. its probs my fave sport, there's a level of problem solving to it that I find rly mentally stimulating... even tho I boulder solo, trips to the gym are social for me bc I often end up chatting to ppl working on nearby problems + picking up technique/advice from them, its a v welcoming space (I'm also planning on joining my new city's queer climbing group!). the parkour sessions I go to are also social, they're run locally for free around the city + structured by more experienced members in the community. they usually involve a warmup, conditioning, drills focusing on certain movements/jumps etc, and then free 'play' trying to put those moves into context. again ~2 hours long. im def not a pro at climbing or parkour but theyre super fun + would 100% rec if ur interested + can find a friendly local group for either, u can teach urself using online resources too :-)

goes without saying but I also warm up for at least 5 mins before doing ANYTHING!!! I try to cater it to the muscle group im planning on working with but still cover the whole body cuz its important to get ur heart rate up + even when u focus on one muscle group there will be others that get dragged in. I don't rly have a 'set' warmup but again caroline girvan has some good ones on her channel 👍 likewise always good to cool down after with stretches cuz future me will be grateful for it.. altho sometimes I'm a bit lazy abt it 🤭

okkkk i think that’s pretty much the bulk of it, I’ll stick my motivation tips in the reblog 😁

[chika-the-terrible]

Shepherd

Leon rested his face in his hands. He was too tired to even try meeting Adam’s eyes. It was nice to be out of danger, but it was just as likely to be an entirely different danger, now that he and Sherry had been picked up by what could only be forces from the US Government. And the guy in charge, Adam Bedford, Leon didn’t know what to make of him yet. He certainly didn’t have a good opinion at the moment, since he had been separated from Sherry.

He had promised her and Claire that he would protect them, and then she had left in search of her brother. Maybe it was for the best that she wasn’t here, otherwise Claire would be stuck in this same predicament. Leon hoped she was having better luck than he was.

“Mr. Kennedy, I know you’re not at one hundred percent after what you’ve been through, but the sooner you answer my questions, the sooner you get to rest.” said Adam. Leon lifted his head to glare.

“What about Sherry? I haven’t seen her since you separated us.”

“Just standard procedure. Making sure she’s not infected.”

“Of course she’s not.” Leon growled, “She got cured of the virus, she’s got antibodies to defend her from it now.”

“That’s good.” Adam nodded, “But you know that it’s still procedure we have to go through. I dislike separating the two of you as well. You’ve both been through a lot and you can only find comfort in each other. I get that. But I also have to follow policy.”

“Like making sure I can’t talk about Raccoon, right?”

“That’s correct, Mr. Kennedy. It’s best nobody learns the truth because that would cause widespread panic, among other things. Think about it: A small Midwestern city, suddenly struck down by a zombie virus. And that’s before mentioning that we had to do a containment procedure to make sure it didn’t spread.” I.e. nuking Raccoon City.

“It’s not like people would believe me, anyway. What have I got to lose?”

“Well,” Adam sat back in his chair, “If we let you go, you would never see Sherry Birkin again.” That got his attention. Leon’s eyes snapped to Adam’s.

“Why?” He bit out.

“Her parents were both involved with Umbrella. It may not exist anymore after this but it caused a lot of damage. And, as you said, she has antibodies against the G-Virus. If more outbreaks occur, those antibodies would help thousands of people. I’m sorry, Mr. Kennedy, but Sherry has to stay with the government. You can either choose to work with us in exchange to see her, or you can try to live a normal life without her in it. It’s your choice.” If he had any fur on his body it would’ve bristled at the terrible decision. He was damned either way. Somewhat childishly, Leon turned his head away, thinking it over. But then he heard something. His hearing was pretty sharp, even after all the loud gunfire he’d done recently, and though the walls were thick, he could hear a cry. He was almost certain it was Sherry. Was she okay? What were they doing to her? He stood up, the chair behind him falling back from the sudden movement.

“Mr. Kennedy?”

“Sherry, where is she?” He had lost all patience for more questions. Sherry could be in trouble and he needed to make sure she was okay.

“Please sit down-”

“Where is she?” Leon didn’t care if his other side was beginning to show, he needed to know why she cried out, if she was injured because he wasn’t there for her, if he decided to trust the wrong people blindly. When he saw that Adam wasn’t going to give him any answers, Leon decided to just make his way there himself. The door to the interrogation room yielded to his shoulder and he ignored the shouting behind him. There! Sherry had called out again. Leon followed her voice, going on all fours to get more speed. If he was shot at he didn’t notice. His focus only turned when he finally came to the room where Sherry was, a small treatment room not unlike the one he’d been cooped up in before they started questioning him.

“Leon!” He could see her on the other side of the room, between them several scientists. Leon growled. To their credit, they stepped aside. He was only impeded when someone grabbed his arm but he made quick work of that by throwing them into a wall. Nothing would stand in his way.

“Hey, I’m here.” Leon picked her up, as if she was five instead of twelve, “You okay?”

“Y-yeah.” She nodded. Her head rested against his shoulder and Leon finally felt like calming down.

“Mr. Kennedy?” With his back to the door, something he usually wouldn’t have allowed, Leon threw an annoyed glance over his shoulder. It was Adam again, now joined by an entire team of security officers. One was helping his comrade stand after Leon had thrown him. The scientists had cleared out quickly, leaving just them. Keeping Sherry in front of him, Leon growled again.

“What?” he snapped.

“I hate to bring you in for more questioning, but I’m pretty certain our tests showed you weren’t a B.O.W. So what, pray tell, is all this?” Adam gestured at Leon. Leon, who was standing on the balls of his feet with ease even in shoes, had honey-gold eyes instead of icy blue, and claws on gentle hands that hadn’t been there before. Not to mention the running he’d just done. He was an IDIOT. Instead of giving an answer, Leon stayed silent. He put Sherry down and kept her behind himself as he turned to face the other man.

“I know you don’t trust me.” Adam said after a long moment, “That’s obvious. Hell, I wouldn’t trust myself. It goes with the business. But I promise that I’m not trying to manipulate you or anything. In this line of work, it’s not good to have honest men, yet there’s me. All I want to know is what’s going on. We’re not gonna shoot you.” Leon was pretty sure some of the men gave Adam looks for that. He weighed his options. He was in an even worse situation than when he started. Out of the frying pan and all that. But looking down, seeing Sherry’s scared look, he knew what he had to do.

“I want a couple of promises. If you’re an honest man, as you say you are, then I’ll see about lowering my walls. Just promise not to hurt Sherry. Or do things with her she doesn’t want. She’s not a weapon.” She’s just a kid, she’s got a better chance at life than I ever did.

“I promise.” Adam nodded. The smile he gave was the most genuine thing Leon had seen from any of these guys since he and Sherry had been taken in. Maybe, just maybe, Adam really was a good guy underneath that goon skin.

“As for my part of the bargain...” He shook his head at himself, “It’s a long story.”

“Alright.” Adam waved a hand, “You guys can go. I don’t think he’ll say a thing with a lot of people in here.” While there was hesitancy, the security officers did clear out. When the door shut, all that was left were Adam, Leon, and Sherry. It definitely made Leon feel tons better for sure. Enough that he was sure he was going back to normal.

“Leon?” Sherry was looking up at him nervously. She and Claire hadn’t been told the full story either.

“C’mon.” He took her hand and led them over to some guest chairs, “It’s okay.”

“You said that last time.”

“Hey, how was I supposed to know he’d come back and munch on the train?” Leon’s eyes trailed over to Adam, who was waiting patiently for an explanation, “Just trust me on this.”

He will say this, though: Adam Bedford was a master at talking down angry people. Especially angry werewolves.

----------------------------------------------------

Note: There’s actually another 3-part drabble set between this and Greyhound but since I finished this one first, here you go.

[finnlongman]

If you don't mind me asking, as a writer, is there anything you do to motivate yourself/stay focused on one particular idea/project? Like, keeping yourself from having another idea mid-work and having an "ooo shiny" moment, and leaving the old work to be an Emer to the new idea's Fand (to make a clumsy Ulstsr Cycle joke)? I've been trying to get a bit more serious about writing recently and this is an issue I've been running into. Thank you in advance if you do answer this ask.

I always have multiple projects in my brain, but I generally have a one-track mind when I'm actually working on things. It's why I'll obsessively edit a novel in three weeks and then go back to doing academic work -- my brain won't let me do both at once, so I have to give them all my focus for a short period of time and then switch.

I'm trying to get better at juggling multiple things, but it's still my weak point. This summer, I had to split focus between two novels, a thesis, and an article, all in the space of about 2.5 months. The result? I completely abandoned my thesis, and indeed, any academic work, for the whole of August, in order to focus on fiction, because the deadline was more urgent. Sometimes you have to prioritise, and knowing you have to switch tasks at a certain time and that this one has to be finished first does wonders for making you focus.

However, if you don't have deadlines and if nobody is expecting you to hand anything in, it can be a lot harder to do the finishing part, and it's easy to go off chasing new ideas. I think we've all done it. For the first 10 years of writing fiction, I didn't have any deadlines either except those I gave myself, and I definitely abandoned projects and hopped around. Even since I signed with my agent, there's been at least one project I had to put aside unfinished and I don't know when or if I'll come back to it, though that was less a case of being distracted by something else and more a case of being too depressed to write. If it had been under contract, though, that would have been more difficult! So I'm glad that it wasn't.

Part of the way I avoid it is by writing fast. This is unhelpful advice, because either you write fast or you don't, and if you're not a speedy writer, it's probably not very useful as a tactic. But if I write fast enough, not only do I not give myself time to get bored, I also have the drive of knowing the sooner I finish something, the sooner I can move on to something else. If it's only another 3 weeks of work, there's less a sense of the new idea being impossibly distant. I always leave first drafts to stew for at least a few months before I edit them, so once they're done, hopping between projects is a good thing -- as long as I got to the end first. But not getting to the end can be a killer.

I also try not to take breaks while writing first drafts. Again, doesn't work for everyone, hasn't always worked for me. But the books where I take days/weeks off while drafting are the ones that are hardest to finish, and every time I've stopped long-term and said I'll come back to it later to finish it ... I never have. If I ever do, I'll have to rewrite the whole first half before I can continue. This is partly because I'm not an outliner, so first drafts are precariously balanced in my head and setting them down can mean losing sight of something crucial. If I had a set outline to follow, it might be easier to dip in and out.

Having said that, I do have some books that have been written far more intermittently with lots of days off... but they were definitely harder. The continuity and speed is a fairly crucial part of maintaining my train of thought. Like I said -- one-track mind. That's why it's so hard for me to balance multiple projects.

Over time, I've learned that ideas are really the easiest part of writing, but they often don't go anywhere. I keep note of them, often in my phone, but an idea is not a plot, and it takes time for them to turn into a book. I like to let them mature on their own for a while. I knew I wanted to write TRWTH from about 2015, but I didn't draft it until late 2018; I knew I wanted to write a Bisclavret retelling since about 2016, but didn't draft it until late 2019. I gave them time to figure out what shape they wanted to be in before I started actually working with those premises directly. So that can help me resist the temptation to jump on something new -- it's not necessarily ready yet. Writing it down feels like scratching the itch ("I'm not ignoring it, I'm just setting it aside") and means you won't forget it, but also means by the time you come to look at it again, you have a better sense of whether it's worth writing.

Having said that, I'm easily distracted by the temptation to *edit* something other than the book I'm currently working on; I'll reread an older project and see how to fix it and since editing doesn't require the same single-minded focus (for me) as first drafts, I can be lured away quite easily. Deadlines are usually the main thing that helps there.

If I'm honest... deadlines in general are the only things that keep me on track. Otherwise I'm always hopping between things and never focusing on anything long enough to get it "finished". It's where things like NaNoWriMo can help: setting yourself a goal of writing a certain amount of a book within a window of time can often keep you on target long enough to pass the point of no return (i.e. the point at which you're more invested in finishing the book than in starting a different one). I never finished anything until I did NaNo for the first time; it turned out what I needed was a deadline and an excuse to write quickly.

Two final things. One is that I try to only write things I really care about. If I'm ready to abandon a project and never come back, I probably wasn't invested in it in the first place. Two, if an idea is constantly popping up while writing something else, it might be related. It might explore the same themes, or develop on one of the ideas. It can be worth poking at it for a minute to check if that's the case, and if it is... it's not a new story. It's a new part of the story you were already writing, and can be woven in.

It's possible absolutely none of this is applicable to those with a different writing style to me, and it's also incredibly rambly, but quick summary:

deadlines help. knowing someone is expecting something from you helps.

writing fast enough not to get bored gives you less time to get distracted.

ideas need time. write them down and let them stew instead of rashly chasing them; they may not be able to carry a whole story on their own

they may not BE a whole story; consider whether they're part of what you're already writing

Did this make any sense at all? I have no idea. I've actually been switching between three projects (two fiction, one academic) this week, so my brain is utterly melted because, as I said, I suck at doing that.

[twdmusicboxmystery]

TWD Flagship Series Ending and How It Might Affect Beth/TD

I’m sorry I didn’t get my thoughts out sooner. I woke up to like three fires I had to put out (figurative, of course) so it too me longer than usual to get these written up. But, here we go:

Okay, so I know everyone is freaking out about yesterday’s news. I feel ya. I’m obviously very sad that the flagship series will be ending.

But having said that, it doesn’t entirely surprise me. And it doesn’t really bother me, at least not in the way everyone seems to think it will.

I have lots of thoughts about this, so bear with me. I’ll try to keep them succinct and organized.

I Still Think Beth is Returning

This is probably the most important thing for everyone to know. This announcement doesn’t affect my beliefs about Beth’s return. You’ll understand why as we go along and I explain more. It also doesn’t negate all the clues Emily and other actors have been dropping over previous months. Just keep that in mind.

It Doesn’t Surprise Me That The Show Might End Not Long After Her Return

Now, I’m gonna say that I realize now my original thinking about this was a little flawed, but I’m gonna say it anyway just to throw it out there.

As it’s taken longer and longer for Beth to return, I’ve come to realize that there would be a lot less of the show to go after her return than there was before it. If she’d have returned in S6 or S7, we would have had many seasons to go. But that hasn’t been the case, right?

I firmly believe that Beth represents Daryl’s happily ending. But that does imply it will be an ending of sorts.

And don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t have predicted the show would end in S11. You all know I’ve harped on the 15-season thing quite a bit, and I have more to say on that, which I’ll get to in a minute. I’m just saying that after Beth returns, I never thought we’d get another 10 seasons of TWD. A few, sure, but not double the amount or anything.

Okay, so let me make some broad statements here.

1)      Gimple said he had until S15 planned, and I believe him.

2)      I still think he has plenty of material so that they could have gone on through season 15.

3)      I don’t think any of that content is being scrapped, curtailed, or cut short in any way.

So how can all of those things work together? Well, this is my biggest belief about this whole thing:

I don’t think they’re changing any of their original plan. I think they’re just shuffling and restructuring the way they’re going to give it to us.

A lot of things have changed over the past few years: technology, the fact that people stream-watch much more often than live-watch, CoVid, etc. So basically, I still think they’ll continue to tell the story through what would have been season 15, but they’ll be doing it through alternate series, spinoffs, movies, etc., rather than keeping it all to the main series.

Now, some of the skeptics out there are bound to think my beliefs about this are awfully convenient, and I’m just holding out hope that Beth will still return.

But I’m not JUST talking about Beth story lines. There are other things to consider here that we can prove. And I’ll get to them.

But the next question is:

Why Would They Continue the Story in Other Spinoffs, Rather Than Just Keeping to the Main Series?

I wasn’t sure about this at first, either. The only thing I could come up with on my own is that there are certain business/monetary/logistical concerns behind the scenes that make this a better model for AMC to make use of, rather than continuing the flagship series. And really, we’re never going to totally understand all of that because for legal/privacy reasons they’re never going to give us the details.

But then, the always-insightful @wdway said some things that really helped light bulbs go on in my head.

We were discussing this and she said something about how, since Daryl isn’t a character in the comic books, and Carol died very early on in the story (at the farm, I think?), with this spinoff that will focus on Daryl and Carol, they’re heading into territory that has absolutely no comic book source material.

And that really made sense to me. So, here’s my underlying belief about WHY they’re ending the flagship series after S11, even though they still have more story they’re planning to tell.

I Believe They’re Ending the Story after the Commonwealth Arc, Specifically Because the Comic Books Ended.

Because here’s the thing. Even with the extended S11, I still don’t think that will be enough time to cover the two major story lines they’ve been hinting at and slowly uncovering over recent seasons: the Commonwealth and the Helicopter People.

The only way to cover BOTH of those so quickly is to REALLY short change one or the other of them, and I think we have ample evidence and foreshadowing that that won’t be the case.

So, here’s the jist of it. Back when Gimple took over and planned his 15-season arc, they couldn’t have predicted a lot of what’s happened since. They couldn’t have predicted technology, COVID…or that Kirkman would suddenly, without any warning, decide to end the comics. So, even though they’ve always put their own spin on things, and have definitely done things that weren’t in the comics at all (i.e. Beth and Daryl), they’ve still always stuck to the major arcs from the comic books. (The Farm, The Prison, Alexandria, AOW, Whisper War, and now The Commonwealth.)

I think they decided to pivot and change formats as soon as Kirkman ended the CBs. They just haven’t announced it until now. So, I think season 11 will focus completely on the Commonwealth, but they’ll end it and switch to something entirely new to continue telling the story of the Helicopter Group. And even though they’re advertising it as focusing on Daryl and Carol, keep in mind that Rick and Michonne are also still out there. We’ll have them to look forward to in the Rick Grimes Films as well. And of course they still have FTWD, TWB, and these other spinoffs they’re talking about.

Do you see what I mean? I don’t think they’re changing or curtailing the story they’ve always planned on telling. They’re just changing formats. So the main series will end with the source material from RK’s comic books. The rest will be a new series that is 100% AMC’s own.

I hope that makes sense. This is why it doesn’t really worry me and I don’t think it negatively impacts Beth’s story or return at all. 

Okay, let’s switch gears and talk about the spinoff.

When I read the press release, the first thought I had was, “Well, that’s vague.” The press release really doesn’t tell us much. It’s hard to draw many conclusions from it. And it doesn’t say other characters (like Ezekiel, for example) won’t be in it. Just that it will focus on Daryl and Carol.

And I get that, again, that may sound convenient, but that’s why I explained everything above first. Knowing that this is probably just switching formats to continue the same story, it doesn’t sound quite as convenient anymore, does it?

The second thing I thought when I heard this (and my fellow theorists said they had the exact same thought, which kind of validates it in my head) is that this whole Carol/Daryl thing is probably tied to the New Mexico symbolism.

If you remember, starting in 10x01, they started randomly referencing New Mexico a lot, in conjunction with the idea of the two of them taking off on Daryl’s bike and just leaving. I know that idea isn’t our fandom’s favorite, but it was obvious to me that this was a foreshadowing and that it will happen at some point. So I’m relatively sure that this spinoff about Daryl and Carol will be them going to New Mexico together.

Here are some posts where I talked about the NM symbolism: X, X, X,

The thing is, guys, I’ve also always believed that it will be a Beth thing. That it will mirror them taking off together to search for Beth in 5a. So either way, I think Beth will be involved in that spinoff series.

@wdway told me she’s believed for a while that S11 will be another “Daryl searches for Beth” season. TD has believed for a LONG time that there will need to be another search on Daryl’s part. That there may even be something of a replay of events in Coda, but that it will end differently. In a good way, rather than in the disaster that was Coda.

So, either Beth and Daryl will get a reunion sometime in S11, but then something will happen and she’ll be taken again. Probably by the helicopter people. And Daryl will need to go look for her.

Or.

Maybe they won’t get a reunion at all in S11. That would definitely suck more, but maybe, while the audience, and various characters in the show *coughs Eugene* know about Beth, maybe Daryl really doesn’t find out until the end of the season, and he’ll just be busy dealing with the Commonwealth situation. But then, at the end, he finds out she’s alive and jumps on his bike to go find her. And, as in 5x02, Carol goes with him.

I also think Ezekiel will probably figure heavily in this. I’ve harped on and on about his death fake out, right? I do think it will happen some time in S11. And I think it’s possible that the season (and series) will end with Carol still not knowing that he’s really alive. Or maybe she’ll find out he’s with Beth and that will be part of the reason she goes with Daryl too.

Now, obviously this is all conjecture with a liberal splash of head canon. But given the symbolism and foreshadowing we’ve identified, especially these past two seasons, and how often TD has been right about this sort of thing, I really think there is a VERY good possibility that this, or something close to it, is what’s really happening here.

So yeah. I think I’ll shut up, now. The short of it is, I think they’ll continue the story line after S11, just in different story vehicles. I think Beth will still return and be a big part of the story moving forward. And I think S11 (and the series) will end with a lot of unresolved story lines that will move to other parts of the franchise. Therefore, aside from being sad to say goodbye to the flagship series in principle, this really doesn’t worry me all that much.

At the very least, we know we’ll be getting more Daryl after the series officially ends. Which is a good thing.

Thoughts?

[alteredphoenix]

Liar’s Game WIP#2 (WoW/Rayearth One-Shot)

A/N: It’s been a while since I’ve uploaded any ongoing excerpts, with work and all (and the occasional alt leveling; I’m honestly waiting on Sanctum of Domination to drop before I can really go all-in on SL-era fics). I’ve been feeling bad for neglecting my fiction, especially after the warlock!Jaina fan art was completed, so I had a day off to pick up where I left off and continue it.

The idea was always built on the premise that Umi and Genn would challenge each other in how they view Sylvanas (i.e. one who knows little of her versus someone who does and has been wronged by her) and why she caused the war, so I liked having a person who is young and has seen/experienced the consequences of her actions firsthand and a person who is older and has good reason to fight back against someone but hasn’t suffered any consequences from the actions he’s committed have a battle of philosophical ideals.

-

Umi breathes again. Focus, she tells herself, keeping her gaze on the High King. Focus. Don’t give them any idea. “Yes,” she says gratefully. “I’d be more than happy to have us rest our feet and get our marbles together while we figure out where to go from here.”

“So soon?” he asks, blinking incredulously, and Umi nods. Out of the corner of her eye she catches the night elf working a kink out of his neck. Chainmail shifts and jingles with the flex of his muscles.

“We have places to be, my friend and I, and Horde or no Horde we intend to get there no matter what’s thrown at us. The Warchief can come after us personally and I still won’t stop for her. Simple enough.”

Greymane issues a rough laugh that’s part growling and part humming. “You’d really take her on? My dear, I’ll have you know she’s a force to be reckoned with!”

“I’ve dealt with much worse, sir, if you can believe it,” Umi says somberly.

“At your age? You can’t be much older than King Anduin!”

One corner of her lips tips up in a mirthless smile. “Fifteen. And yeah, I get that a lot.”

“Hmph. Fifteen, you say…And you say you’ve fought much worse than the Warchief?”

“You’d be surprised at what I had to do. Then again, it’s not like I had much of a choice. Didn’t have much of one, come to think of it—at least in the beginning. But then I decided to fight, and despite what happened I still do because it’s the right thing to do. I have the obligation to choose my battles as I please. Sometimes it all comes down to do or die. Don’t you think so?”

Greymane nods. “Aye. I do think so, but this is one fight we can’t afford to run from. I don’t know who you’ve fought, Miss Umi, but Sylvanas is more than just a mere person. She has been a constant reminder of the darkness that has lurked within the Horde for years. The one who preceded her was a troll named Vol’jin, different from the Zandalari you have just seen. He was respected among his tribe and all the races gathered berneath the Horde’s banner. Not over a year ago did he fall by a demon’s blade in the midst of a great battle, and with his dying breath”--and here his snout crinkles, and Umi swallows back the gasp at the black gums and teeth that are as long and thick as her fingers--”bequeathed the mantle unto her. The moment he had done so all her crimes against Azeroth have been put to the forefront...and growing at magnitudes by the day. So long as she remains in power, we will never know peace.”

“You haven’t seen her at alll? Not in Kul Tiras or in Zandalar?”

“No. Not yet,” Anduin interjects quietly. “But she’s out there, and sooner or later one of us is going to have to make our move. It could be here. It could be in Zandalar. It could be anywhere out on the seas, where the islands are rife with azerite. Wherever we go, she’s almost certain to follow.”

[kristallioness]

2016 | 2017 | 2018

*quietly sneaks back in*... Happy New THIS Year, my dear followers! In Estonia, we have this saying that if you wish someone a 'happy new year' after Three Kings' Day (the 6th of January), you gotta have a bottle of alcohol with you and give them a drink. *lol*

Anyways, I would like to apologize for the sudden disappearance that happened prior to Christmas. I was just busy travelling back home for the holidays, unpacking and putting away my stuff, watching some great, traditional movies or shows on TV, and most importantly, working on those 2 latest masterpieces that I posted (which barely got 30 notes each.. *sigh*).

But as you can (and probably will) see, the year of the yellow earth pig (i.e. my dad's year) was a rollercoaster of emotions and accomplishments, or lacking thereof.

My creative side seems to have suffered the most due to lack of leisure time. I only managed to finish 3 full digital drawings and left behind several sketches or unfinished WIPs (2 of which are revealed here under the months of June and November for the first time, I intend to finish the Korrasami one btw). At least I got to start 2020 with a completed drawing on the very 1st day, ha-ha! Perhaps that's a good omen for this year?

If so, then I hope I'll find the time to finish the rest of the 2019 Inktober prompts, since I only did 4/31 this past October (even though I'd thought of ideas for all of them). I brought all the necessary drawing utensils and sheets of paper with me, so whenever I'm in the mood, I'll try to sketch another one.

*calculates for the nth time*.. I wrote 18,110 words worth of fanfiction, plus 820 words for the UYLD prompts (making the total 18,930). Technically, you can count another 8k+ in there, since it comes from that unfinished story (of Aang taking care of a flu-ridden Katara, as illustrated by the September sketch), which I haven't finished within the last 4 months or so. Plus, I barely wrote 1/5 of the amount compared to 2018.. *hides in shame*

Then again, I was an excellent pupil for picking up an actual book and reading through 150+ pages (which means I have ~300 pages to go). I'm talking about the new Kyoshi novel that came out. As I once said, I haven't voluntarily read a book in years make that 2 years ago (most of the reading I've done in my life is either Tom & Jerry comics, now the Avatar comic trilogies and art books as well as fanfiction online, or compulsory reading during school). But this novel is freaking fantastic superb!

Not only that, I bought all the new comic trilogies and managed to read them through. Damn, did they give me feels.. especially "Ruins of the Empire" (ngl I squeed so hard when I saw the Korrasami farewell kiss on the 1st page of the 2nd part). I can't wait to read the 3rd part this year!

However, I failed to rewatch Avatar last year, and I haven't seen Korra since.. 2016, I believe? Wow, that's 4 whole years.. But I intend to fix that mistake starting from 2020. Hopefully I'm in the mood to start my rewatch this weekend tonight. *fingers crossed*

But as I said, I had much less time to focus on my hobbies since 2019 was the year for finally moving on with my life (sort of, I'm still working on it). I still remember how down I'd been feeling for a while and how valid those emotions really were. The first quarter of the year (+ like a month or two) was a continuous descent into desperation and feelings of utter failure, which already started around the 2nd half of 2018 and only continued to deepen around that time.

Everything began to change when I was first chosen to be part of a 2-month summer internship in an IT company, and I had to start building a new nest in a new location in Tallinn this May. And now, I feel like I've hit the jackpot by getting a permanent job in another IT company this October.

I got the opportunity to work in two different fields, in two different teams within a year. I met some awesome colleagues (a lot of whom are foreigners) and got the chance to really put my English skills to the test.

Thanks to the new job, I also had to go to a free health check, which went really-really well. Despite my nervousness in the beginning, I feel much more relaxed about my physical (and mental) health, cause the results showed that everything's okay (something I'd been worried about since March 2017).

Speaking of health or staying healthy, there were a few sports events that I went to, too. Our team held the first winter team event (it was the first one for me, at least) by going to do archery in a range on the outskirts of the capital.

I watched the football match between 2 teams of our local league at my hometown together with my dad on his birthday. Our home team won the match and came in 4th place overall in the league this year, which is their best result so far (I'm really proud!). And merely days before I started work, I visited the Tallinn International Horse Show for the first time (also with my dad). I last got to watch horses jump over fences or dance to their musical programs ~ 10 years ago, and I loved it!

Event-wise 2019 was pretty full of them. As has become tradition, I went to the Defence Forces parade on our 101st Independence Day (which seemed rather bleak compared to the centennial, even more so since we didn't have ANY snow at the time).

What will hopefully become new traditions, I visited the television tower on the Restoration of Independence Day (where Uku Suviste gave a free concert in the evening), and went to the Veteran's Rock concert (to honour our war veterans) on our Freedom Square on the 23rd of April (since I'm residing in the capital now, I should be able to go again this year).

To continue with the centennial celebrations (yes, some things are STILL turning 100), I saw and explored inside the armoured train no. 7 called "Wabadus" ("Freedom") in the Baltic Station. This armoured train was one of the keys that led our country to victory during the War of Independence from 1918-1920.

There was an even bigger (150th) anniversary to celebrate in the beginning of July, when I attended our Song and Dance Festival. This was a really important, if not the biggest event of the year. I intend to make a longer post about my experience, cause it's something that you foreigners need to see for yourself. I can't simply describe or put it into words, I have to show you some videos and photos.

But while we're on the topic of concerts, I should mention that I went to 2 more at the beginning of June - Bon Jovi and Sting - as well as 2 that were part of Christmas tours in December - Elina Nechayeva and Rolf Roosalu.

Besides that, I went to 6 different festivals, half of which I'd been to several times before, such as the Türi Flower Fair, Jäneda Farm Days (where I went on my first helicopter ride for my 25th birthday present) and the Christmas market in the Old Town of Tallinn.

The other half is comprised of festivals that I'd been considering going to for a while, or which took place for the first time. The latter applies to the Black Food Festival, whereas the "Valgus Kõnnib" ("Wandering Lights") and the duck rally, both of which took place in Kadriorg, fall under the first category.

The duck rally is a charity event held in the beginning of June. Regular people can buy at least one (or several) rubber bath duckies for different prices, which will then be dumped into a tiny stream that'll carry them towards the finish line. This event has grown more popular each year, and the money the Estonian Association of Parents of Children with Cancer (sorry, long name in English!) collects is donated to the Cancer Treatment Fund.

*wipes forehead*.. Phew! I'm surprised, that's a whole lotta positivity for 2019. I think there's one more important, but seriously negative topic I haven't covered yet, but I feel should be mentioned and explained.

When it comes to politics, 2019 was a complete disaster for us. EKRE (Eesti Konservatiivne Rahvaerakond in Estonian, or Estonia's Conservative People's Party in English) i.e. our populist/nazi/pro-Trump party is in the government as of April 2019, thanks to 100,000+ idiots (out of our population of 1.3 million) who voted for them and gave them 19/101 seats in the Parliament.

No, I am NOT going to apologize for calling them a nazi party, because their main leaders have repeatedly supported ideology that's common to nazis (they use aggressive rhetoric, blame the media for making them look bad, downgrade women, minorities, are racist, anti-semitic etc...). And I will not apologize in front of the people who voted for them, because "thanks" to this, EKRE has dragged our country's reputation straight through a mud puddle (not to mention the scandals that have accompanied 5 of their ministers, 3 of who have THANKFULLY stepped down from their positions) and.. *swears like the British*.. it's BLOODY EMBARRASSING.

I am done being nice, I have at least some kind of prejudice about anyone who supports them or their ideals. And I will certainly not let Estonia end up like America. So that is why I participated in two protest events against EKRE and our current government (because the 2 other parties, who were willing to form the coalition with them, are spineless jellyfish that simply seek to hold onto their current positions of power). I'm willing to take bets as to when our government falls (the sooner the better).

*shakes off the frustration*.. Brrr! So besides that, I guess the only downside to 2019 was my spare time falling back in the list of priorities (which shows in the empty square of July).

2020 is gonna be the year of the white metal rat. I can only hope (and take action so) that it'll be just as eventful, and much more creative than 2019. Thank you all for following me (or lurking anonymously) for so long, especially to the bloggers who've offered me support through better or worse! *raises a glass* Here's to 2020!.. *sip*

[phoebeusproduction]

Future Writing/Account Plans

Some things that may be hitting in the new year, as it quickly approaches: Once Reconfiguration is done, I’m probably going to focus on cleaning up my FFN.net account and get it in order to start using again, even if only as a backup. I’m still leery about its editing inflexibility, but my account there is STILL the first to appear in search results, and I would like to be able to reach readers on that site, too, even if I can’t put all my works up there due to ffn policies. (i.e. the explicit drabbles in Pieces of Puzzleshipping) I may also take the opportunity to bring a short story that ONLY exists on ffn (since I wrote it in 2011) over to ao3. Just sync everything up again.

That said, Gambling With Destiny may be disappearing from both sites. I had planned to delete it anyways whenever I felt ready to start producing the rewrite, but I think I’m going to do it sooner rather than later because a) if the rewrite happens, it’ll encourage a reread to catch important changes, and b) I’m discovering more and more that picking that story back up... I’m struggling with it. Not for lack of ideas or motivation to write it, but worries and fears around sharing it and sheer work involved that may come to naught. It’s overly complicated and probably too much for a general notice like this, but I just wanted to make that possibility public because I know there are people who care about and love that story (and I love you for it) and I want to encourage downloading it via ao3 if it’s something you want to personally keep. It’s not disappearing tonight and I’m still contemplating what to do (this weekend should be telling because if I keep staring at a computer for hours, then I think we’re done here) but I just wanted to provide time for people to grab it in case of the worst. If I solidify what I plan to do, I’ll definitely put a chapter notice up on ao3 itself with time to spare, for those who don’t follow my social media. 

Aside from that, I do have at least three smaller stories planned for 2020 that will certainly go up at some point. Maybe even a fourth, we’ll see. I might be switching my focus more to original works. Or writing GwD regardless.

We’ll see.

[stedes-black-bonnet]

My Baby Does Me: Chapter 8

POV: John Deacon x Reader

Notes: Ongoing fic, gonna be a long one, guys; so, keep letting me know if you want on the tag list, please. The next few chapters will shift subjects of focus before reuniting for a joint resolution, FYI. It’s all necessary, I swear.

Warnings: I cried while writing this chapter?

Abstract: Freddie and Jim exchange memories.

Freddie Mercury had hosted a plethora of parties, been invited to even more, and attended even more to which he hadn’t been invited. He had, therefore, seen everything under the sun, sheets, and sombreros.

Or, that’s what he had thought before tonight, before Lydia’s coup de grace statement. He was impressed with Lydia’s balls. There was just no other way to put it. She had moxie.

To say the room was suspended in a stunned silence, and not for the first time tonight, wasn’t an exaggeration. He had been to circle-jerks with less activity, he thought. He and Jim were sitting identically; hands cupping their chins, elbows on knees. Though they could not be dressed more dissimilarly, yet there was something united about them regardless, or maybe even in spite of this. A subtext ran through them, an equality and synergy most found envious.

Freddie, still in his white hot-pants, cape, and crown, felt his elbow slip from his knee on to Jim’s immediately following Lydia’s statement. As his elbow came to a rest on Jim’s leg, he absorbed the texture of Jim’s trousers. They were his favorite pair of Jim’s pants, navy with a tuxedo stripe in Kelly green; only the best for his Irish beau, he thought. He had bought them for Jim after their ninth date. These pants, Freddie recalled, represented a watershed moment in their relationship that came to define their entire partnership.

By their ninth date, Freddie had only seen Jim in one pair of pants: white, fancy, if not a little dated. As he was the kind of man who noticed fashion, Freddie had been curious why Jim kept wearing the same pair of pants on their dates. Maybe they were his lucky trousers, he speculated? Something unexpected occurred during their ninth date, however, that brought this to a head. While animatedly telling a story about John Deacon leaving for Bali during a recording session, Freddie accidentally spilled his mostly full pint of lager all over Jim’s white pants.

Immediately, Freddie sprang to action trying to siphon the amber-colored liquid from Jim’s crotch with napkin after napkin. All the while saying how sorry he was, what a clumsy oaf he was, and how he wasn’t usually this nervous around people, but Jim brought out something in him he wasn’t accustomed to: i.e. diligent interest, the unexpected need to impress, and the budding growth of falling in love; doing verbal back-flip after back-flip, Freddie, at first, failed to notice the look of overwhelming hopelessness on Jim’s face.

What Freddie hadn’t known at the time of the spill was Jim not only had substantially less money than Freddie--not that that was hard to do--but also that those pants, quite literally, were Jim’s livelihood. Those old-fashioned white suiting pants were Jim’s work pants, his uniform. They were his only pair of work pants. He couldn’t afford more than one pair. They were his only pair of nice pants, as well. In Jim’s mind, they were the only stitch of clothing in his entire wardrobe worthy of the great Freddie Mercury. This was why, nine dates in, Jim only had worn this one pair of pants. He’d come home from waiting on people, launder his trousers, press them, wear them later same day for his date with Freddie, return home, and launder and press them again for work the next day.

This lager stain wasn’t just any blemish; it was pungent and had an odd red hue to it, making Jim immediately believe he’d never get the stain completely erased from the pants. He could be out of a job for this, which would mean he wouldn’t make rent, which would mean he could be homeless. Facts of life for Jim, usual, casual worries for him. Though not for Freddie Mercury. All of these anxieties could come to pass all over a date with Freddie, a man, whom he was beginning to take a deep and meaningful shine to. He could tell Freddie the truth right here and now about his feelings and his pants, or he could lie. Come up with some story on the spot about why he was disproportionately upset over a stain on a pair of trousers.

As with most interactions in their relationship, that’s when Freddie forgot about himself, and in a serendipitous and timely moment, decided to look at Jim. That’s when Freddie noticed Jim’s expression, which he instantly tried to hide from Freddie by turning away from him.

Freddie reached out and turned Jim’s face to meet his.

“Something has happened here beyond just a spill hasn’t it?”

Jim sighed, took a deep breath, and said, “Yes, Freddie.”

“Have I said something to offend you?”

“No,” Jim said, honestly.

Freddie took Jim’s hands in his own, “Have I done something,” he asked with great courage, “To change your feelings about me, for me?” There were tears in his large brown eyes, threatening to cascade down his anxiously attentive face.

Jim had tears in his eyes, too; before answering Freddie, they brimmed over his elegantly long lashes and fell down his cheeks. His voice stuck in his throat, he shook his head, managing to croak out a solemn “No, Freddie.”

“I couldn’t live with myself, darling” Freddie whispered, “I would surely die if you dismissed me from your love.” Tears traced down his contoured face.

Jim clasped Freddie’s hands tightly, and said, “I love you, Freddie Mercury.” It was the first time he had said it.

Freddie, accustomed to qualifications, to the other shoe dropping, waited for Jim to add “however,” or “but” to his statement.

None came.

No adjustment, no limitation, no stipulation came attached to Jim’s declaration. I love you Freddie Mercury. Full stop. It was, perhaps, the first time Freddie had heard the music in his own name, spoken through the instrument of absolute love, compassion, and partnership.

Freddie, gazing into Jim’s bright eyes, knew at that very moment he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Jim. And that he would do anything, give anything to make this happen.

“I love you, Jim Hutton.” No amendments, no reductions, no qualifications.

Jim leaned in and kissed Freddie fully, completely, without hesitation. This kiss was a new beginning, the first kiss after the first statement of worth in both their lives.

Freddie gently placed his hands on the sides of Jim’s head. He felt Jim’s tears, and gingerly wiped them away. “Tell me what’s wrong, my love?” Freddie pleaded.

Finding his breath, Jim delicately explained the situation to Freddie.

Freddie Mercury wasn’t often at a loss for words, but what Jim told him struck him to his core. He felt inconsiderate, privileged, and horrible self-disgust. He had gotten to a point in his life where he no longer needed to think about money. Somewhere along the way, this had made him careless, tactless, and negligent. To make the person he cared about most in the world feel needlessly handicapped in his presence made him feel sick with self-loathing. The guilt began eating him up inside.

“I should have asked you sooner.” Freddie said, feeling the stinging threat of tears welling in his eyes once more.

“No--I should have said something sooner.” Jim said reassuringly.

“Can you forgive me?”

Jim smiled slowly, wiping Freddie’s tears away with his flannel handkerchief, “Already forgiven, yes.”

The next day, Freddie sent a package to Jim’s apartment.

In it was two pairs of pants. One white, and one navy with Kelly green accents. The note, which Jim carried in his wallet with him still, written in Freddie’s only sprawling hand, said, “One for work, one for play, always for you, I’ll never stray.”

Once a week, from then on, a package arrived for Jim.

It was always two pairs of pants. One white, and one with a little flair, a little drama, a little style.

When Jim moved in, Freddie had to build him a special closet for all the pants; it was worth it, though. Jim was worth it.

Freddie was absentmindedly tracing the green seam in Jim’s pants, lost in his own memories of love.

Jim took Freddie’s hand in his, and turned to look at his husband. Freddie turned to meet his gaze. The melancholy tint to Freddie’s eyes told Jim all he needed to know in that moment; Jim knew Freddie had been thinking about the pants, about their ninth date. After that everything had changed. Jim brought Freddie’s hand to his lips and kissed it. He could still take Jim’s breath away, even now, after all these years.

What Jim recalled most about that night had been witnessing Freddie cry for the first time. He had been vulnerable, deeply personal, and infinitely brave. It was immediately endearing and remarkably enticing. Jim was amazed at Freddie’s capacity for being entirely selfless, even in and especially when he was at fault for overlooking something, ignoring signs, and being in denial about signals. As an artist, Freddie sometimes, quite naturally existed on a different plane of existence. Jim didn’t always have access to this area in Freddie’s life, and they both worked together to bridge that complication. This ninth date event had been the first time, Jim thought, Freddie had actually realized Jim was a normal man with normal cares and concerns. Instead of blowing up in his face when met with the fact he had been in the wrong, Freddie hadn’t become defensive, like so many men before in Jim’s life. No, Freddie had done the most un-rock-star-like of things; he had taken responsibility for his own actions. It was the single most attractive thing anyone had ever done for Jim.

The next day, when the package had arrived, Jim had sobbed uncontrollably on the floor his kitchen. Opening the package, delivered by a smart-looking boy from some fashion atelier Jim had never heard of, he found inside two pairs of pants, and the note. The note, meant so much more than the pants ever could. Slumping to the yellow tiled floor, his back to the refrigerator, Jim started crying. And he couldn’t stop myself, maybe didn’t want to stop himself. It was a turning point in his life; the first time a partner had ever taken care of him, without having to be asked, without making Jim feel  ashamed, and without expecting anything in return. Jim cried for every time he had settled for a partner who treated him poorly, who implied he wasn’t good enough, smart enough, who said he wasn’t valuable or worthwhile, who wanted to hide him, who was embarrassed by him, his sexuality, or his preferences. Then he cried for Freddie, whom he loved, who cared so deeply for him, who not only said it but showed it.

Jim would let Freddie continue to show him how much he loved him for the rest of his life, he thought. He brushed himself off, stood up, and walked over to his phone. He twisted the numbers into the rotary, and hoped Freddie would be home.

“Hello, darlings, this is Freddie?”

“Freddie?” Jim questioned, his voice hoarse from crying.

“Jim? Is that you? Are you okay?” Freddie’s voice sounded concerned, alert.

“I received your package, and your note.”

“Oh, Jim! Do you love the pants, darling? Stylish, no? Classic, yet they have a little something extra, don’t you think? I picked them out myself.” He was excited, rambling. Jim could listen to him talk for hours and never want to miss a syllable.

“I adore them,” Jim said quietly.

“Jim, are you okay? You sound... have you been crying?”

“I have, yes.” Jim brushed fresh tears from his eyes.

“Do you want me to come over?”

Jim could hear Freddie standing up on the other end of the line; he was going to rush over here without hanging up the receiver; he had done it before, and it wouldn't be the last time.

“Freddie, I have to go to work soon. I wanted to call to tell you I adore your gift, and your note…” his voice drifted off; he was too overcome to speak, too emotional to process his feelings into words.

“The note. You liked it?”

Jim nodded, then remembered Freddie couldn’t see him. “Yes, I...it meant...I don’t know how to say how much it meant to me.”

He could hear Freddie breathing fast across the time and space facilitated by the phone.

“Well, the feeling is mutual; I don’t quite know how to say how much you mean to me.” Freddie said. “Maybe I’ll have to put it in a song, just how much you take my breath away.”

“I love you, Freddie Mercury.”

“I love you, Jim Hutton.”

Jim hung up the phone and he decided then and there to never look back.

He still had Freddie’s hand at his lips. Freddie was staring at him, a mischievous smile playing on his lips. Soft lights glinted off his crown. Jim, wearing his favorite green flannel, smiled at the incongruity of their looks. From this dissonance came the first moment of harmony in their relationship. A moment, that could just as easily have never happened if Freddie hadn’t spilled his drink. The random chance in it all scared Jim. He put it from his mind, holding his husband’s hand in his.

Staring at his husband, he hoped maybe tonight for John and you some similar clandestine moment had occurred between you two. He wasn’t so sure yet one had. Though, looking at Roger Taylor and Lydia, he knew for sure, purely by the looks in their eyes, the moment they were now sharing transcended every other moment in their lives.

Tag List: @phantom-fangirl-stuff @triggeredpossum @obsessedwithrogertaylor @groupiie-love @richiethotzierz @partydulce @sophierobisonartfoundationblr @psychostarkid @teathymewithben @smittyjaws @just-ladyme

[fusion-ego]

Announcement

What’s up guys? I have an announcement to make.

One week from now, I will be moving across country with the rest of my household. We have known since about three months ago that we would be moving, we just didn’t know when. My dad’s been down there for two months getting things sorted out.

That said, the vast majority of the reason commissions and my remaining requests have not gotten done is because I’ve been stressed about the move. I focus on them when I can, and I’ve made some headway, but not enough I don’t believe.

My activity will probably be extremely spotty after next Friday, even worse than it is now. At least my mutuals experience my constant like-spams of their stuff right now, and on occasion I still reblog stuff, but after next Friday it’s gonna be anybody’s guess when I’ll have access to the Hellsite. My phone isn’t currently active so I can’t use my data until I can afford to pay my bill again, which is going to take some time.

I guess I’m saying this so you guys know what’s going on. I’m going to be reaching out to my clients personally soon to tell them what’s up. I should have done it sooner and I accept full responsibility for being an irresponsible businessperson in recent months. It’s my own fault that I’ve let all of this get to me so intensely. If I would have simply focused it would have been much easier to get packing and cleaning done, and then I could have focused on the things that matter - i.e) commissions and requests.

Coming out on the other side of this move nearly 2,000 miles away, I’m going to need all the money I can get in order to keep on my feet. I’ve already applied for a job and I intend to keep applying to more, but the thing is that I desperately need my phone turned on and I have to be able to make my credit card payment because I have never had a late payment and getting one now will damage my credit real bad.

I do not want to keep begging for money. It’s degrading and I feel bad for asking for it when there are people who need it more than me, who, despite my back and knee problems, is able-bodied enough to get a job. But even if I get hired my first paycheck is a ways off.

I only need about $85 ― $35 + fees for my phone, $45 for my minimum credit card payment. By the time my next payment is due for either I will have a job and, hopefully, my first paycheck in order to pay them.

Hopefully, this will be the last time I need to ask for money for anything.

Commissions will be opening up once I’ve finished my current batch and gotten settled in in my new place. I’ll also be throwing my Ko-Fi link out if you want to bribe me to finish a request faster. But for all intents and purposes those should both be supplemental income rather than my primary source of income.

For now, anyone who throws money at me will get a thank you doodle because that’s all I’ve got time for in the midst of packing and trying to focus on commissions.

Anyways yeah. Thanks for reading this blurb I guess.

TL;DR - I’m moving in a week, commissions are my priority at the moment aside from packing, my phone is out of service, and I need like $85 before June 1st so I can pay for my phone and credit card.

PayPal

[humourtalia]

[Hi, Admin here! I’ve put this under a cut because it’s long, and it's got some heavy stuff in there--look at the tags to decide if it’s safe for you to read. The following is what anon wrote, and my response will be signposted beneath. Okay, let’s go!]

*The submit box wouldn’t let me submit without a picture, so I thought this rant picture would be kind of appropriate?

Anon Submission:

Hi there! First of all, I wanted to thank everyone on the blog for holding this event, I’ve already submitted a couple of rants and it’s been super helpful to write things out and see what advice others may have. I wanted to use the submit for this one though because it may get a little long and I didn’t want to send several asks. Sorry in advance!

So I recently graduated from college and I’ve moved back in with my parents. I’ve noticed that my moods have really deteriorated since I’ve been home. Like I get into these funks and I tend to isolate myself until I feel better. They do pass, but my bad mental health days are awful. I’m not sure if I have depression or if it’s just a case of the blues coming by often, but sometimes it seems like every other day I have them. My parents don’t think I have depression, but I do wonder sometimes. 

My dad was raised “traditionally” and honestly, he’s pretty conservative (i.e he believes the mom should raise the kids and do house work and the dad should get an income, etc.) and honestly, part of me thinks that he believes his kids should be seen and not heard, or that he thinks he’s above me because I’m his daughter (or maybe because he’s a man, idk.). He sometimes also uses racial slurs and when I tell him not to use those words, he gets angry. A few weeks ago, there was an incident where he got a little physical when he was angry. It never happened before, so I was stunned. Like my mom and dad needed to resolve an issue on the phone and the company we called hung up on us. So, my dad calls them back and mimicked the loud, blaring sound that played when we got disconnected. I told him to stop it because I didn’t want him to deafen the person on the other line, but then he got mad at me. When he handed the phone over to my mom, he shoved me and then got into my face and told me never to “override him”. I thought he was going to hit me, so I was really scared. I talked to him about the incident, and apparently when I told him to stop he thought I was yelling at him? I don’t remember yelling at him as loud as he said, and part of me thinks he’s gaslighting me and trying to excuse his actions. He did end up apologizing for upsetting me, but it felt insincere. Like he said “I’m sorry you took offense”. He also kept making excuses for his behavior, like he was in a hurry and that he couldn’t say excuse me when he was on the other line and that apparently I was yelling at him. He said that he still loved me, but that wasn’t my main concern. I’m afraid that anytime he gets mad now, he’s going to use intimidation tactics on me and the whole thing just leaves an icky feeling inside of me and I’m having a difficult time moving past this bad memory. And honestly, he just seemed to want to move on from it. Almost like he was being kind of dismissive? I’m trying to remember that my dad is human and that he makes mistakes, but I don’t want to excuse his behavior either. I feel bad for dwelling on it because he’s done a lot of good for me like paying for college and financially supporting me and encouraging me but it’s just hard to see some of his less than ideal qualities. I don’t feel like I got all of the closure I needed from talking about the incident, and I kind of want to talk to him about it again, but I don’t want to open a can of worms.

My mom wasn’t happy about the incident either but the thing with her is that she treats me as her personal therapist sometimes. Like anytime she has a problem with my dad, she’ll talk to me about it (this is probably at least partially because my dad loves to avoid conflict and he doesn’t like talking about issues. Also he tends to dismiss things sometimes.). She makes excuses that her mom (my grandma) told her about her own marital problems, but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy. My mom constantly sees my grandma anyway because my mom is basically my grandma’s caregiver. Like my grandma is very dependent and now that my grandpa has passed away, my grandma relies on my mom to help out. It seems like my mom doesn’t live for herself, only doing things for other people. She doesn’t really have any hobbies, she just kind of vegetates when she has free time and watches TV or eats or buys stuff off of ebay (which I introduced her to). So now the house is cluttered and despite saying she’ll purge, my mom never does. And that has also caused friction in the house because my dad complains to my mom about how messy the house is and then she complains to me.

I feel obligated for my mom’s happiness because she claims that I’m the only good thing in her life and honestly, I feel like she would be a lot happier without me. She basically gave up her life to raise my sister and I and I feel like she solely identifies herself as a mother. Nothing else. Like if she doesn’t have someone to take care of, she’s lost. I feel like by being born, I robbed my mom of her life and happiness because she always had to look out for her kids and she didn’t do anything for herself. Without me, I feel like my mom and dad would have gotten out of their failed marriage sooner but I don’t think they’ll ever divorce now. I’ve told both of them that I wish they’d never had me but they both insist that they love me and they’re happy to have me. I still feel like a burden though. When I have my bad mental health days, I just want to sleep forever. I’ve asked my mom not to tell me about her marital problems, but then I feel bad for leaving her to fend for herself because she has no one else to talk to. She also continues to talk to me about her problems, but it’s tiring and it usually sours my mood. So for now I just try to tune her out when she complains.

Moving out isn’t an option right now because of housing costs and the fact that I don’t have a paying job yet. But I’m working on getting one though! In the meantime, I can help my parents with cooking and cleaning, even if they drive me up a wall sometimes. If anyone has any advice on dealing with this, I would really appreciate it, but if not, I think that just writing everything down has done wonders for my mood. Again, thank you so, so much for holding this event. I really appreciate the place to vent and I hope you all have a happy 2019!

Admin’s response:

First things first, I am so sorry about all of this. It’s a really difficult situation, and I’m not sure how much I can help, but I’ll try! At the very least, I’m glad writing it out helped.

Putting my psychology hat on, I can’t say for certain you have depression, but it seems very likely to me. What makes me think that are your feelings of guilt and fatigue (i.e. seeing yourself as a burden, wanting to not exist). Those are very worrying thought patterns, and tend to come with depression. Combined with the low moods, it’s pretty clear you’re suffering a depressive episode.

Fortunately, it sounds like it might be temporary--at least at this severity--rather than lifelong. What I mean by that is that it’s been triggered by a life event, and that means you have a good chance of recovery. The general life event is obvious: moving back home and being caught in the middle of your parent’s problems. More specifically, I think it might be the fact that you’re unable to talk these things out with anyone. Your father dismissed you, and your mother has issues that you don’t want to worsen by piling on your own. However, when you can’t talk about your emotions properly, you can’t process them properly, and your mind struggles to carry around open wounds like that. It doesn’t know what to do with all those unresolved emotions, so it shuts down, and you get a low mood.

The immediate solution, then, is to talk this stuff out. Mum and dad aren’t options, but any good friends would be perfect. If you don’t want to share with them, though, I’m happy to hear your rants. Whatever helps you to get them out, process what you’re feeling, and allows you to move on.

(However, if this explanation doesn’t sound right, and you don’t think it matches up with what you’re going through, that’s okay. This might not be the right explanation, but there is one! This is just one possibility based on what you’ve told me.)

As for what to do about your life situation, that’s incredibly difficult. Your father’s escalation in his behaviour is deeply worrying, and you should not feel bad for dwelling on it at all. Humans make mistakes, yes, but good humans own up to them. By the sounds of it, he didn’t. Just because he’s financially provided for you, it doesn’t mean you owe him the benefit of the doubt. As a parent, providing for his children is his responsibility. It’s a duty he has to you, not a gift he gives to you. You’re allowed to be critical and wary of him, and given what he did, I think it’s incredibly appropriate to be. You seem like a good person, who wants to challenge his immoral behaviour, but don’t do it if it puts you in danger. You need to focus on keeping yourself and your mother safe.

Speaking of your mother, I know it’s really difficult to care for someone else’s mental health when your own is in tatters, but I think it’s important that you do. Even if you nod sympathetically throughout her complaints and do nothing else, that’s helpful. She’s clearly going through so much, and she needs support just as much as you do. Hopefully, if you can take care of yourself, you should have more energy to help her. This is horrible to say, but as an ulterior motive, if things do escalate further with your father, having her on your side could be a lifesaver.

As for the guilt you feel about your mother, you needn’t feel it. A mother feels accomplished if she can give her children a better life than she had. It sounds like she’s proud of you, proud of what you’ve done with your life so far, and that is why you’re the one good thing in her life--because you are the proof that it all wasn’t in vain. I think as well, perhaps, that the potential for your parents to divorce is still there. Sounds weird to say that like it’s a good thing. Once you move out, that may make your mother reconsider staying with your father, since the thing tying them together is now gone. And this is really horrible and morbid to say, but your grandmother will one day pass away, and your mother will regain some of her independence again. Life doesn’t end when you settle down and have kids, there’s still potential for her to do plenty more with hers.

Anyway, overall, I just want to say props to you for dealing with all this--your parents problems, as well as your own. And the fact that you’re still working on getting a job and helping around the house despite all of this is so impressive. You are strong, and resilient, and you will recover. If you can live through this, you can do absolutely anything. I am so proud of you and like I said, I am always willing to hear you out if you need to rant. I hope you have a much better 2019 <3

[uk-metoidioplasty-diary]

I finally have a date for the first stage of metoidioplasty!

To give a brief rundown of what has happened so far, and what will be happening:

5th April – Phone call offering me a date

10th April – Email confirming date

11th April – Called St Peters to confirm some details

17th April – Pre-op consultation phone call

25th April – Surgery

I’ll be having first stage metoidioplasty with the buccalmuccosa graft placement for urethral lengthening with Mr Christopher at Highgate Hospital.  I was initially offered a slightly sooner date (20th with Mr Zacharakis) but I pushed for a bit more notice and wasn’t too keen on the idea of having surgery with someone that I’ve heard relatively little about so far.  I just don’t want to have to deal with any more unknowns than absolutely necessary as I’m finding the amount of variation in people’s experiences to be the most stressful part as it is.

There was initially a bit of confusion as on the phone I was told that I would be admitted that morning, and that I would stay for one night, but in the email it said I would be admitted the evening before surgery and still only stay the one night.  This was clarified and it turns out that I will be admitted the night before and will stay for two nights, i.e. the night before surgery and the night after surgery.  It was all sorted out fairly quickly, but I did find their attitude towards me questioning it a little off—although I may well be reading too much into it.

My emotions were all over the place after getting offered the date.  I was shivering and panicking for a while after agreeing to the date until I got called into work and had more pressing matters to focus.  When they offered me the date it was tempting to turn it down as I was hoping for more than two weeks’ notice, but I’m at the point where I need to have surgery and they couldn’t tell me when I get another date if I didn’t take this one.  Since then I’ve calmed down a lot.

The biggest thing that helped calm me down was sorting it all out work.  I walked in to talk to them in person as I find my boss hard enough to talk to at the best of times, so throwing phones into the mix as well makes it incredibly difficult.  He seemed to appreciate me putting the effort into going to talk to him in person on my day off.  As it happened he didn’t ask why I was having surgery, and actually reminded me that this is one of the things where I have to put myself first, not work (which is something that I needed to hear).  I’ve only had to tell three colleagues and chose to tell one other, although I’m sure they’ll all hear that I’m off soon enough.  They seem confused, and one jokingly got remarkably close to what I’m having done, but took the hint when I just reassured them that it’s nothing serious.  In retrospect I might have downplayed it a bit too much.

The pre-op consult didn’t tell me much that I didn’t already know.  To be honest it wasn’t particularly helpful, the main suggestion seemed to be to talk to Mr Christopher on the day to discuss aftercare.  It was mentioned that I should be able to arrange to see them in Harley Street for the catheter and dressings to be removed rather than having it done locally, which I would much prefer as the idea of having District Nurses in my house, let alone showing my genitals to them makes me want to cancel the whole thing.  Being in a medical setting with people who have some understanding of trans genitals and the procedure seems more palatable, and I know I’m a worrier and will find seeing people experienced with this more reassuring.

I find that there’s an expectation for me to be excited about this, and I’m really not.  I’m scared and dreading it.  I can’t think of much worse than having to interact with my genitals, worry about something going wrong, deal with a catheter, and live in an “in-between stage” for several months.  It’s unavoidable though if I want to get to the second stage.

Notes to remember for the future:

Take the date, you’ll make it work somehow

Don’t go into a panic, distract yourself

Break things down and make a list of what needs doing

Talk to work, you’ll feel better after getting it out of the way

Your health comes before the convenience of work

People will get the hint if you don’t want to discuss what it’s all about

It’s okay to ask for help if you need it

Share only what you want, again, you come first

[solliewriter]

4 lessons from 4 novels

Novel 1

Novel 1 wasn't actually my first attempt at a novel, but it was the first one that had "the end." It took me approximately six years to complete the first draft. But that first draft wasn't the first telling by any measure. Oh no. I rewrote the entire idea about ten times, getting several hundred pages in (or a hundred thousand words) more than four times before realizing there was a crucial flaw that would utterly destroy the plot and/or the characters. The idea had been a wild conglomerate of inspirations that all revolved around a few key scenes. In every iteration of that story, a different plotting device was used. Sometimes I pantsed, sometimes I plotted, sometimes I did both.

The idea was complex. It had a main cast of about twenty characters, over a hundred named characters, and mysteries so weird that I, the writer, couldn't figure them out until the very end. It was a heartfelt mess of motivations, plots, and magic. I was in way over my head with this. I knew that, but still I kept going. As mentioned, this wasn't my first attempt at a novel. Given that past history, I desperately wanted this story to have two marvelous words: "The End." Out of pure stubbornness, I found a semblance of a plot and finished it.

After writing the ending, I swore I'd never try to write the story again. That was a lie: I will try to write this story again.

The lesson: Although this was the most painful story I've written, I learned so much from it. I learned the most after I was able to write "The End." I was able to look back and see the whole picture of what I had done, and the simplicities. I was right in that I needed the ending. Fighting to the finish taught me more than anything. Now that I've written "The End" a few times, I don't feel the pressure to finish ideas once I realize they're underdeveloped. I know I can set them aside and do something else until the ideas have finished marinating in my brain. Because I finished it, I've built confidence. So, for me, this story is valuable to me because it ended, and not because it's a good story.

Novel 2

Novel 2 came near the end of the "first" draft of Novel 1. I was going through Pinterest when I came across some beautiful imagery. I intended to use that imagery for a short story. Alas, the story spilled out over the course of 71k words. It was a simple adventure, and since I was struggling with the complexity of Novel 1, I was happy to keep it simple. It allowed me to focus solely on fleshing out the characters, who are now some of my best. Two other people read this novel chapter by chapter, and encouraged me to keep on with it. I finished the first draft in a year. I'm on my third draft, and there is little that has changed between the first and third writing.

The lesson: it's okay to keep things simple. It helped me build confidence and helped me remember the pure simple fun of creating stories. Writing simple adventures solely because you want to, especially when multitasking with a bigger project, is perfectly okay. And, the simpler it is, the easier it is to pants.

Novel 3

Novel 3 was different. I came up with the original idea around the same time as Novel 1. I had a giant folder of ideas, of summarized scenes and dark overtones. There was no plot, no backstory, only a mystery and two characters platonically in love with each other. At 13, I knew I was too young to write the novel. I wanted the characters to be older. I wasn't ready to write older characters.

At the time, though I didn't realize this, I also wanted a complex plot that I also wasn't ready to write.

So, I promised myself to only write these characters once I was 18 years old. As fate would have it, that was the year I finished Novel 1 and 2, the year I was ready to write about characters I had only dreamed about. Though it had been years, I still knew only the main premise and impressions of scenes. The only fully formed idea was the relationship and the attitudes of the two protagonists.

The plot? The skeleton was half-finished and half clear. But, like magic, the plot unfolded as I wrote. Symbolism, randomly chosen, exploded with meaning. Important yet mysterious details became clear. Dozens of different strands came together in such a way that, once again, completely changed how thought about the writing process. Although the first draft was 108k words long (several hundred pages), I wrote it in 3 months. This is partly because I remembered the lessons of my previous novels. This book is now ready for its third draft.

The lesson: it's okay to wait to write a story. Marvelous things can happen because of it. Ideas can develop, plots can be reformed, and best of all, the story will write itself because some part of the writer brain has already found the plot connections.

Novel 4

Novel 4 was the sequel of Novel 3. Because of this, I thought I could dive in a bit sooner than I was ready. As I wrote, I struggled to maintain subplots and continue stories from Novel 3. Brilliant ideas came and went. Although I knew the characters, this time I didn't know what events to throw at them. I had already challenged them with almost everything I knew in Novel 3. Now I had to do it again, but different, and if possible, even better. The resulting story had 25 plots, of which 4 were complete. It took me the entire novel and a few weeks of post-writing to understand why I had such a hard time with this story, a story I thought would be easy given I had been dreaming about it for many years. I wrote Novel 4 in five months, but it was a hard five months. The novel isn't half the mess of Novel 1, but it was messier than it needed to be for same reason Novel 1 was rewritten so many times.

The lesson: I need a simple, unadorned premise before I can write a novel.

Extrapolation on Lesson 4

This lesson was the lesson I'd failed to learn over the course of four novels. I was too amateur to understand the lesson for Novel 1. There was so much wrong with Novel 1 the lesson was lost in the clutter. For Novel 2, I was thinking that it succeeded because it was simple as a whole. I didn't credit its simplicity to its one-sentence premise.

I am not good at multitasking. I can't split my mind between two things, so I need to understand the core of what I'm writing. Otherwise I'll get lost in plots and ideas unrelated to what I actually want to write.

So, what is a good premise to help me?

The premise which drove Novel 2, as mentioned, is a sentence long. The premise which drove Novel 3 is a full paragraph long and makes use of spoilers and plot twists. Despite this, Novel 3 is still relatively simple, because all it does is declare the following:

The protagonist's goal;

an indication to the antagonist's goal;

and the detail that makes this story unique to me. I.e., the reason that this idea stands out.

Novel 2 premise is simple because the goal and the unique detail are the same. This isn't true of Novel 3.

What I lacked in Novel 4 was the indication of the antagonist's goal as well as the protagonist's goal. To top that, I forgot the lesson about complexity and reverted to my old habit of thinking that if I make it more complex, then surely the antagonist/protagonist goals will arise. But no. Complexity is built on simplicity. Even if the original idea is complex, I must first break it down to its skeletal core before writing it. Otherwise, when writing, I can get so lost in the complexity that the core is lost. I need to be able to return to the core to understand the complexity.

The premise is the heart of the story. I can put fancy garments over the top of it, but without that heart, the story has nothing to keep it alive.

[blacknovelist]

I want some cute/fluff things to go awww for from the BNHA Ageswap AU, so let me here 'em! Tell us about some funny or adorable things that happened before the Canon of ageswap between the friends/former classmates/teachers when they dealt with younger siblings & brotherhood, a fire spitting baby and a telekinetic green haired girl that just lost her parents. Maybe not in that order. Chronological, if that is manageable. I want some dorky friends being friends and dorks while trying to manage.

bless your heart, fluff sounds wonderful right about now! :D Forgive me if this answer turns out entirely too long and incoherent, but I really like thinking about this stuff. 

so, like the Ageswap heroes, a lot of them when they graduated were more on line of like, just regular old friends. But there were certainly groups of them that were good close buddies together (i.e the Dream Team of Ageswap Uravity/Ingenium/Deku, who absolutely were besties, and also Kirishima and Bakugou were pretty alright with each other come grad time). Once their hero work started in earnest, it turned out their ties to each other was beneficial from time to time, so it drew them much closer together! Within just a few years of graduating, they’re much closer to the Family UA we know and love, but it isn’t until just a bit later that they get that final push.

(Putting the rest of it under the cut because while I answered your question and gave you some Fun Times, on a whole this answer turned into every conceivable fact and detail about the history of the Family UA squad and their adventures in childrearing, and also general silly things about Inko, Enji and Tensei because I could. Sorry - I hope you don’t mind, and that I more or less cover the stuff you’re really looking for!! This is going to be a record-setter as far as length goes, oh jeez.)

Most of the Ageswap Heroes work as just heroes for some time following their graduation, making names for themselves and rising through the rankings. Their jobs at UA don’t happen until a little further down the timeline, which I’ll elaborate on later.

Inko is the first to join the Ageswap UA fam, actually. Deku had been fighting some villains, a group they’d been tracking down for a good few months now - it’s the first time they’d been able to pin these guys, and it’s now or never to bring them in. Still, even in a two-on-five fight, Deku’s no pushover. It’s all going well until one of the villains whirls around, swings wide past the two heroes, and launches a hit straight at a building nearby. 

Someone screams. One of the others follows their comrade’s lead and takes potshots at people on the street, and the whole block just starts to crumble.

On that day, the pro-hero Deku breaks his self-imposed quirk limits (which are in place more for the protection of others than for his own sake at this point in time, in order to quickly subdue the villains so that he can call in rescue squads because they have civilians they need to save right this damn minute, come on!

He works in tandem with the rescue teams for hours. It’s the low burning kind of physical activity, the careful shift of debris and following the desperate yell of people, trapped and afraid and god, if only he could’ve ended the fight sooner-!

It’s not his fault, not entirely - he can’t be everywhere at once, with some villains engaging him and others going to wreak havoc, but though this isn’t the first time there may be casualties, it’s still hard. They’d been fighting in an area with plenty of offices and apartments, and though some had managed to evacuate, others had been unable to do more than lock themselves into their homes and hope for the best.

Deku sees something incredible and terrible, in the ruins of one of the apartment complexes. A married couple, crumpled cold and together beneath rubble, unseeing eyes locked on the ruined door frame. Above them, in the room they diligently guarded, chunks of wood and plaster and tile float harmlessly among stuffed toys and dolls. It’s like some kind of morbid baby mobile to entertain the slumbering infant, still unaware of the world around her.

(”Esper-like quirks,” they tell him later. “They used their quirks before death and tied them to the baby, and the strength of it caused their quirks to linger. We’ve never seen anything like it, but you found her just in time - the effects wouldn’t have lasted much longer.”

“That’s not true,” Deku doesn’t say when they leave, baby tucked into the crook of his arm, safe and sound and fast asleep. “I didn’t find her fast enough - her parents would still be alive if I had.”)

Izuku takes Inko in, after, because of a sense of duty. It was his fault, in a way, not stopping the villains fast enough, not finding Inko and her parents fast enough. When he returns home, the first thing he does is call Ochako, and explain everything. He wasn’t sure who else to call, he admits, and there’s probably someone else they know who would be better to call about this, but there’s a sleeping baby with dead parents in his hands that he’s just asked to have temporary custody over and dear god he’s got absolutely NO CLUE WHAT I’M DOING PLEASE H EL P ME

(he wants to do right by this baby, by god, but he’s not exactly built for this.)

Once she’s done laughing, Ochako pulls Tenya aside because as it turned out, she’d been with him at the time. Between the three of them, Deku buys a shit-ton of baby supplies, goes over the procedure for gaining legal custody of Inko, tells everyone that “yeah sorry I’ve got a kid now! ….surprise?”, and gets so many visits from everyone at this time like “damn, man, lookit u growing up so quick :’)”

The first year is an adventure, man. This is the first kid of the Ageswap UA squad, so, no one has any clue what their doing. Izuku gets lots of little “care packages” in the mail from everyone containing stuff that’s supposed to help him (by the second month he’s got two whole cabinets devoted to diapers, and he tells everyone to stop sending them already because god, guys, she’s one baby, come on). Eventually, with lots of trial and error, Izuku settles into something normal-ish with Inko, the custody goes through, and everything’s fine.

Then a year later, Tensei is born! Tenya, for his part, is ecstatic at his little brother’s birth, because of course he is, it’s his little brother! Everyone is invited to come meet his little bro, but only a few people can really make it - Uraraka comes, and though Izuku can’t make it in person, he skypes in with Inko and sends his love and wishes. Todoroki drops by with his significant other (who, for reasons, we aren’t elaborating on. I don’t really want to fridge them, but right now, that’s mostly what we’re doing with them), as well as most of the class at varying times because they need to travel to arrive where Tenya and his bro are, and sometimes that kind of time just doesn’t happen for a while. By the time Tensei is a year old, though, everyone has visited at least once! Bakugou’s visit only lasted a few minutes, but at least he showed up.

Tenya does his best to help his parents look after the newborn Tensei as the Iida fam figure out how to balance their hero duties with taking care of the baby. For a time, the Iida family ducks out of the limelight in order to focus on Tensei. When they have the time, the others come in to help after their first visits. It’s sporadic, but the Iida’s appreciate it a lot! Tenya and Izuku end up swapping a lot of tips and things between them at this time. 

So everyone’s time is like, majorly divided now. There’s hero duties to uphold, kids to look after, media hounds to dissuade from invading all parts of their personal lives, it’s a bit of a mess. Everyone wants the world to slow down a little at that point.

Which, of course, is exactly why the world decides it’s a fantastic time for Todoroki Enji to come into this world, screaming his little baby head off many miles away. It’s all a bit of a mess, really, because Inko is just barely past one year old, Tensei was born weeks ago, and now there’s little Enji in on it too! Poor Ageswap UA squad. 

As mentioned in a previous ask, it’s some time before the three babies meet each other face to face. But, that hardly means a thing in the wake of our favourite thing - CHILDREARING SHENANIGANS.

To make this quick, I’m going to provide slightly chronological details and anecdotes about these kids growing up and in general, about the Nineteen Adults who are Completely Winging This Every Step of The Way (feat. Tenya’s parents, who do know what they’re doing, Tsuyu, who also knows what she’s doing thanks to her siblings, and the sporadic and spread out conversations @guardianlioness and I have had on the subject of Fam 1-A raising the children):

Kirishima is a blessing to everyone throughout everything, honestly, he gets along so well with the babies and his power with toddlers is comparable only to Deku’s own power with them.

Tsuyu is wonderful at looking after babies too, and is a godsend whenever any of the three need to be looked after

Uraraka loves to come by and spoil Tensei and Inko with laughter and toys and playing and liberal (safe) use of some zero g’s when he was first born. 

Also, when Inko’s quirk manifested into her small-object attraction, Uraraka was ecstatic bc it’s a very floaty quirk.

Uraraka splits her time between visiting Tensei and Inko and Enji basically all the time, once Enji is born, and is a close second for the status of go-to babysitter (Tsuyu is admittedly in first whenever she’s in the country, because she’s just got good experience about it)

Tensei as a baby, for some reason, is quite fond of Sero! Though he tends to visit a bit less as far as the regular visitors go, because of, you know, hero-ing.

Dark Shadow takes a shine to Inko when Tokoyami passes through to say hello. He swears up and down Inko (who at the time was like, maybe under a month old) babbled something that sounded suspiciously like “birdie” and no, of course he isn’t happy about that, he’s no common bird! (Try telling that to Dark Shadow though, who is perfectly content with the nickname)

On the reg, though, because I’m tired and describing how every baby reacts to everyone would get repetitive real quick, it’s just facts that basically everyone gets along with the children well enough? There really isn’t anyone who doesn’t help out at some point or who was bad with the three kids, and all of them love their many aunts and uncles (even if some of them won’t acknowledge or admit it)

Tensei, surprisingly, was fussiest as a baby, though he mellowed out with age. He’s followed by Enji and Inko as far as baby rankings go. Enji was a damn hellion during the toddler stage though, and Inko had some trouble around the same age.

Frankly, and pardon my language, everyone fucking loves Inko basically instantly once Izuku takes her in, even if they first meet her over video call. She’s cute as a button when she’s a baby, all rounded face and tufts of long hair and lots of smiles and laughs and gosh, how is it possible for a baby to be this adorable?? We Just Don’t Know.

Once he’s over his panic, Izuku does well by Inko, though he’s still a bit awkward. He’s nothing before the power of a baby, tbh but compensates through sheer Dad Ability. When it comes to little kids and toddlers though?  Izuku is a literal godsend. His wonderful skills were definitely put to a lot of use around the terrible toddler times (often through video call for Enji, though there were times he would drop by and visit in person if he was in the area while on the job.)

Izuku’s ability with kids and toddlers has a lot to do with Enji’s respect for his uncle actually - he’s one of the few people Enji listens to on a regular basis, and whose opinion he trusts, and one of the only people he’ll actually listen to (which causes trouble during his time at UA, but that’s much further down the line)

Everyone has had a go at babysitting each of the trio at least once in their lives, to varying degrees of success. 

On related and unrelated notes respectively, Aoyama and Hagakure aren’t allowed to babysit without at least one other responsible person present at the time. Also, Sero and Kaminari aren’t allowed to babysit Tensei as a kid without supervision (together or individually), and Enji goes through a minor phase where he refuses to allow any of his uncles to look after him for completely unknown reasons to everyone else

(it’s because he’s worried that if his uncles look after him too much he’ll start treating his aunts funny like how the stupid kids at school treat girls funny sometimes for child logic reasons, and Enji is too smart a kid to think that treating his aunts with anything but respect is a bad move. As a result, during this time, he spends as much time with his super strong aunts as he possibly can to remind himself to never go down that road, until he realizes that of course spending time with his uncles wouldn’t change anything, duh! They’re just as afraid and respectful of the women in his life as he is, and with due reason. And so, everything returns to normal again.)

Inko’s quirk is the first to come in at the tender age of 8 months, and caused a little bit of chaos when it did. It starts with her picking up the teddy bear that fell out of her bed while Izuku is bending down to pick it up for her, which scares the shit outta him. He’s extra careful not to leave small and potentially dangerous things (like screws or something) lying around where she might be able to pick them up with her quirk.

Second is Enji, who gains his at one year and two months. His manifestation comes in the form of him completely setting his head and hair on fire, leading to a long fifteen minutes of confirming Enji is perfectly okay frantic phone calls, emergency skype video calls, the copious use of google, and Shouto frantically trying to get his son to put out his quirk without hurting him before his son accidentally burns their entire house down (which he barely manages).

incidentally, Enji only loses control of his quirk as a baby - his control doesn’t waver after that, until many, many years later when he’s attending UA.

Tensei’s quirk manifests a bit before his second birthday in an uncontrollable burst of exhaust that sends the little boy’s face into the early birthday cake the Iida family bought in a rare moment of free time for all of them. Bless his heart, Tensei only laughs as they clean him up and deem the cake salvageable (and they send many profuse thank-you’s to everyone who had the foresight to send them tips on how to cushion everything and send their boy plenty of helmets)

They start learning self-defense when they’re around five years old each, though mostly minor basic things that wouldn’t hurt them or anything, you know? Everyone wants to make sure they can take care of themselves, whether they go on to be heroes or not. (This is why Inko’s prowess in fighting can match that of 1-A when quirks aren’t involved).

The first time Inko and Izuku visit her parent’s graves, Inko is three. She brings a handful of flowers her dad let her pick at the park (and one of which they bought impulsively after seeing it in the window of a shop), and spends hours laughing and telling them stories about her day, and how much fun her aunts and uncles are (”Auntie Ocha taught me how to a somersault in zero gravity last week!” “Wait, Ochako did what-”) and how much she loves her dad. Izuku swears he isn’t crying when he tells Inko’s parents about Inko and her studies and what a wonderful, beautiful daughter they’ve managed to create and how happy he is he can take care of her, really.

that’s a lie, of course he is, really, who do you think we’re talking about here

Inko has always known that she isn’t Izuku’s biological daughter. Izuku has always wanted to be very open that he loves her so, so much and is sorry he couldn’t save her parents when she was a baby, because it was important to him that she know about the two noble people who spent the last moments of their lives making sure she survived. 

When Inko is four, just before they move to one of the wards closer to Enji and Tensei and everyone, Izuku asks Inko about her taking on his last name and him officially adopting her (at this time she’s his ward and he’s only got custody/guardianship of her). He refrained from just going through with it because he wanted to be Inko’s choice, instead of making it for her. She accepts immediately and affectionately refers to the night her paperwork went through as “Family day” (which instantly becomes a shared Ageswap Fam Holiday and day of celebration, naturally)

Tensei and Enji have no clue that Inko isn’t Izuku’s biologically and don’t actually learn this detail until they’re students at UA. In their defense, it kind of wasn’t their fault (though they’ve got their physical differences, Inko and Izuku share an uncanny resemblance for sharing absolutely no blood whatsoever) as everyone forgot to tell them in general, but it doesn’t make a difference because Inko is still family, after all. 

Though, it does explain Family day a little bit, when they explain that it was the day he legally adopted her way back when.

Tensei is a bit of a mischievous little spirit, he is, but I’m sure we all know that. Left to his own devices, his curiosity and desire to do really awesome cool things (in traditional kid form) lead him into some pretty ridiculous situations.

He and Enji grew up in about the same(ish) area, so as toddlers they spent a lot of time together, which did help. Sometimes, they’d go out and get into the kind of dumb situations only kids can get into except twofold because there’s two of them to lead to extra trouble, because of course they would 

both refuse to disclose the details of what is loosely referred to as “the cat and chick incident”, and since the only thing any of their guardians ever heard about it was the aftermath… god only knows 

Enji, as a kid, was very standoffish and very prideful over his quirk. He was cordial with Tensei and Inko, at the least, and both have his respect, but man, was he ever bad at making friends.

Still, for all his vices, he was still a kid. It’s not often, but if you ask Shouto at the right moment in time, he’ll show you all the photo albums he’s kept of his boy growing up. A fan-favourite series of pictures is of Enji having fun at the fair with all the cotton candy and ferris wheel and roller coaster rides his little heart could ever desire. Enji vehemently denies the legitimacy and existence of those photographs at all possible times.

Inko and Tensei get on like a house on damn fire, the devil duo they are. Not that any of their parents ever learn the full details of their antics, since Inko is much better at hiding her tracks than she really has any right to be frankly

The only time they were caught is the time they were going to have Tensei distract some bullies while Inko floats water balloons over their heads, to trick them into thinking they were haunted and maybe get them to stop being jerks. Instead the water balloons go to the noble cause of becoming ammo in a massive water fight that they somehow manage to drag Tenya, Enji and Shouto into, and the parents get some tips that lead to stern talking-to’s and the end of bullying in their area. It’s great all around.

The reason why Inko wants to become a doctor focused on hero medicine is because of the aftermath of the ShigaDeku fight, in pre-canon. Izuku had to go through a great deal of physical therapy and impose a limit on his use of One For All because of the results of the fight and, well, Inko of course took it upon herself to make sure her dad took good care of himself in the aftermath, you know? Eventually she realized that if she became a doctor, she’d have the knowledge to better help her dad along with all the other heroes out there keeping them safe. Thus, doctor Inko was born!

A lot of the Hero squad associate with UA and became teachers for the kids, tbh. Seeing them grow up right before their eyes… it kind of puts things into perspective, how they grow and change and work towards their dreams just like they all once did! Still, not everyone was suited to teaching (and some of them have specialties that are in high demand in the hero industry), which is why some of the squad only really come on as guests and substitute teachers from time to time (such as Ochako)

Once in a blue moon, Shouto and Enji will spend the entire weekend together. These weekends are difficult, sometimes, as their relationship is rocky, but Enji will never admit how much he treasures the times he gets to sit down on the couch with his dad and fall asleep there, knowing he’ll still be home when he wakes in the morning.

When Inko is old enough to cook, there are times Inko and Izuku will argue over who gets to make breakfast that morning. It’s a toss of the coin as to who wins each time

Tenya and Tensei don’t get to hang out often, but one constant ritual between them is when they slouch in the living room and do pretty much whatever. Sometimes Tenya will have paperwork and Tensei will be playing video games, or Tenya will be texting Ochako (who is inevitably bothering him about hanging out with him and Izuku sometime soon) while Tensei eats dinner, and that kind of stuff. It’s nice to bask in the presence of the other and when Tensei feels negative/volatile but doesn’t want to be in his room (or doesn’t want to be alone), he’ll gravitate to the living room automatically.

Tensei’s greatest hero has always been and always will be his brave older brother, who always follows the rules and is full of nothing but enthusiasm and the desire to see the world thrive by saving lives and keeping others safe.

The one and only time Inko, Tensei and Enji teamed up in any sort of incident-slash-adventure was when they were about eight years old, in which they discovered a sturdy but abandoned shopping cart in an alleyway one day. Naturally, they decided Experiments Must Be Conducted and subsequently learned that when all three of their quirks are paired together, they’re freaking unstoppable

(the gist of what happened is Inko would move or topple obstacles over so the cart could make it past them, Tensei would power them forward uncontrollably, and Enji would use his fire to let them make sharp turns or brake sharply since Tensei’s quirk didn’t let him do that. They may have unwittingly made local news in the process and gotten into so much trouble afterwards, but it was totally worth it.)

[noquiznaksweregiventhatday]

What do you think season 5 is going to be like?

Ohhhh boy.

Okay, so first and foremost, I am going to say that I have no idea. I had ideas about what I thought season 4 was going to be like, but those were all completely thrown out the window. I have some speculations of what may happen, so here we go (this post got way too long):

Lotor is going to join Team Voltron

As much as I dislike this, that is what they’re building up to. In multiple interviews both the producers/writers and the voice actors have hinted heavily at a Lotor character arc, meaning it is highly likely that he will join them. Hell, even Bex Taylor-Klaus said that Lotor reminded her of Zuko, who was the antagonist for some time but later joined up with Team Avatar.

Lotor also saved Keith’s life, which he is going to use as leverage to join the team. Because he “proved” that he could save one of the “good guys”, that may open more doors for him to join.

Of course, Lotor may not join until later seasons. It’s very possible season 5 is going to open with Voltron saying “I think the fuck not you trick as bitch” and running off. Lotor joining, at least as far as I can tell, is inevitable though. 

Lance will finish his character arc

We still need to finish Lance’s arc, and I think it will be rounded off in season 5. Of course, no one in Voltron is truly ever done with their character arc, but we will at least get more closure on it, similarly how we did in both season 1 and season 2. 

They’re running out of time and still have yet to even scratch the surface of some of the characters, so they have to finish up Lance’s arc soon. Therefore,  season 5 is the soonest at this point they can finish it.

Right now, as we can all see, Lance’s character arc is focusing on his place on the team. As time progresses, I’m thinking Lance’s arc may morph into a sexuality arc. Here’s why:

The sign image, which I’m sure all of us have seen at this point

If he is bisexual, it perfectly coincides with not really “having a place”. Speaking from personal experience, you can feel as if you don’t really fit in anywhere, because you aren’t “straight” enough for the straights and not “gay” enough for the gays.

We already see Lance struggling with his sense of belonging, so it could easily morph into his sexuality arc

It’s a general assumption that we will get lgbtq+ rep in the show, and Lance seems like a likely candidate 

Pretty much anything Jeremy Shada says

Keith returning, another possible lion scramble

Keith is going to come back. Not even just for story purposes, but also for merchandising. The producers/writers said that they wanted Shiro away longer, but were forced to bring him back sooner so they could sell more merch. Keith would not be excepted from this, and especially with the backlash from the last season, the executives are going to want him back.

With Keith coming back, another lion switch may ensue. I discussed this briefly in my post about Lance and Shiro’s eventual bond, but I basically just said that a lion switch may happen again and either Lance or Shiro will be forced out. 

The thing about it, though, is I’m still not sure if Keith will force either of them out. Look at the scene after the bedroom scene. Keith was willing to step down to let Shiro lead. We also all know that Keith thinks of Shiro as the true leader of Voltron, but also doesn’t want to force Lance out. 

So, about 99% positive Keith will return in some shape or form, not 100% about another lion switch

Clone Shiro

I can’t believe I forgot to even mention the possibility that Shiro could be a clone in my Lance and Shiro post!

Anyway, I sitll think there’s a chance that Shiro could be a clone. So many people have carefully analyzed and dissected scenes and brought forward theories about it, so I’ll link some of my favorite here:

 Long Analysis

Pupil Camera Sound

And, I do always like looking at the other side, so here’s somewhat of a counter analysis

Here’s also another theory different than the Clone Shiro one (by the same person) 

I won’t go too much in depth here, but I still think the theory is valid after season 4. If it does end up being true, they’ll probably reveal it soon so Lance can finish his character arc with the actual Shiro (see my Shiro and Lance bond post if you have no clue what I’m talking about). If they do intend to finish Lance’s character arc in season 5, they’ll have to reveal Clone Shiro before if they want Lance to come out to the real Shiro.

Another thing: The producers/writers were forced to bring back Shiro. If they brought a clone back, they would have found a loophole and they could still do what they want with the real Shiro.

Relationships?

At this point, relationships in the show are still up in the air. To be perfectly honest, I don’t think we’ll have any relationships in season 5. While it is possible, any potential relationships are on the backburner right now and aren’t a main focus of the show. The only way I could see a relationship occurring in season 5 is

a. As a direct result of Lance’s potential character arc. I.e, if Lance does come out, a relationship with him and a guy

or

b. As an indirect result of Lance’s potential character arc. I.e, Shiro revealing he’s in a relationship to Lance so if Lance comes out he has someone to relate to

or

c. A love triangle between Matt, Lance, and Allura

That’s all I’ll say for now on that topic

So, now looking back I realize I may not have answered your question, but rather kinda dodged it. 

To answer your question: I have hopes for season 5. Odd seasons so far are my favorites, and maybe season 5 will be like that. I think it’s going to probably have darker undertones and perhaps some themes on sexuality!

(Sorry for this being so long)

[celebistar]

Personal: Hiatus

Personal venting; warnings, frank talk about my own poor mental health lately, specifically anxiety, so if you're not feeling well yourself you should probably avoid.

Honestly, I’m really on-edge right now as I’m writing this, but I felt I had to get something out or I just cannot sleep (not that it’s easy anyway with jetlag…) It feels really strange b/c I haven't done this type of really-personal ‘feelings’ post/rant for a long time now, not since I was RPing but well…sometimes you just gotta get your feelings out.

It isn’t really any one thing or aspect or event in particular, but just lately, especially in the past month or two, I’ve noticed myself engaging less and less with Nobunagun, i.e. fanart/fanfics. Partly it’s just the cycles of life and work and limited time, but honestly the truth is, I feel that I am…reaching the end of my “Nobunagun rope”, so to speak. Lately I’ve just been mentally burnt out, not because of any one thing, but instead of the raging wildfire I used to feel whenever I engaged in my fics and art at like 1:30am, I just feel…oh. Like neither like nor dislike, which it in and of itself is nothing wrong, but for someone like me who has always bounced from obsession to obsession—and I mean that quite literally—it’s a scary and strange feeling. Frankly, I don’t know if I like it; not being able to fall back onto my creative imaginations whenever I want to, whether it’s to pass time due to boredom or to help me cope when other stressful things happen in my life.

Now, most people would probably say ‘well that’s normal isn’t it? Interests always change’ and yes, they do; in fact, before Nobunagun I inevitably shifted interests after a while—I think YGO was the first really big one, but even before that there were myriad of series like Digimon, Cardcaptors, etc. etc…and each time I thought ‘wow, GX (or some other series) is so great, I don’t know how I can run out of ideas!’ but gradually I did move on—usually because some other interest caught my eye and was more exciting, so by the time I consciously realized I wasn’t super obsessed with the previous one, it was more like an ‘oh well’. I never really stopped to think or really miss it, because there was always something new to entertain me, keep me thinking at 110% (kinda like serial dating now that I think about it, like those people who keep chasing that initial ‘high’ you get at the start of something new but you can never maintain). Now that I am sort-of-kind-of in that phase of ‘whoa, something’s obviously wrong if you’re feeling mentally unwell so let’s take a step back’, I think it is true; that, honestly, it isn’t healthy to have an obsessive relationship with Nobunagun 24/7. It may seem strange that I am using relationship terms to describe a fandom, but I think they are parallels in many ways. But there’s a difference and it’s that Nobunagun is just a thing, a really great thing yes—but it’s not a person. It doesn’t make decisions or tell me what to do; frankly everything I choose to engage in, is 100% in my own control. But somehow, over the course of being a fan, I seemed to have imposed these really strange, invisible ‘pressures’ on myself, so to speak. Perhaps it comes from having a mind that is either all or nothing when it comes to interests, or maybe it’s because I always managed to move on to something more exciting before the old interest fully waned. I don’t know.

All I know is that whatever my ‘relationship’ with Nobunagun is right now, it’s not healthy nor good. Realistically speaking, I know it’s nearly impossible to like something 100% of the time, 24/7. I believe it is possible to sustain interests for your entire life—drawing, writing, gaming—or even series—I mean, I myself have loved the Fire Emblem series ever since they came out in the US and I don’t see myself stopping anytime soon. But unlike Nobunagun, Fire Emblem has always been what I would consider a ‘background’ interest; it’s always there but I rarely engage in what I would consider fandom activities, such as drawing fanart or writing fanfiction. Hell, I rarely even read FE fanfiction anymore (though I used to). Yet despite all this, despite advice from people I trust and love, and despite my own logical mind telling me this…I just can’t seem to let it go. At least, not easily. For some reason the very thought of no longer liking Nobunagun as I used to, so passionately—not even just no longer interested but just ‘not as interested as before’…it sends me into panic attacks. In fact I have actually been suffering quite bad anxiety these past few weeks because of this very dilemma—unable to focus, panicking the second I see something Nobunagun and I don’t feel excited, trouble sleeping…I mean hell I’ve even had trouble starting new anime series because there’s always this inkling in the back of my mind ‘what if this is the show that replaces Nobunagun?' I don’t know why I think of it as that; I don’t know why I have this self-imposed chain around myself and Nobunagun, even though it’s all my own thoughts. I just know what is, and that’s just what it feels like. I don’t know why I have such a severe trepidation of something else replacing Nobunagun even though it’s just how interests come and go and frankly, it was Nobunagun that replaced Eyeshield 21 before it.

Now, most people would say this is a sign that I should probably take a step back and re-evaluate just what it is that’s actually important in my life, and take care of myself—no thinking of Nobunagun, no trying to churn out another 2-3 chapters or another illustration in a week. And I do agree; I know, deep down, that this is warning sign that if I don’t change something soon, then I won’t even be able to salvage my love for Nobunagun—it’ll just turn into a destructive mess that ends with the only recourse being complete and utter amputation. Which is definitely not something I want. And yet it’s really hard to tell myself that it will be okay, that I will come out of this maybe not liking Nobunagun with a raging passion 110% of the time but maybe only like 30% of the time, and that’s okay—but somehow it’s very difficult to convince myself of that (if it were, trust me I wouldn’t be up typing this at 1am). I’m very much reminded of a time earlier, when I was still very active in RPing and I went through a very similar upheaval…how I couldn’t imagine not RPing anymore, how I couldn’t imagine going on in the fandom without it…but in the end, looking back I know I made the right choice, and I came out better for it. I didn’t lose my love of Nobunagun after basically stopping role-playing, and I learned, slowly, to be passionate about it again without being anxious. I came out all right and what’s more I felt l learned a lot and became a better person because of those hard times. And when that time really came, it just faded naturally and without fear—these days let’s be honest, I don’t RP anymore, even though I have the accounts—they’re honestly just there for archival/dump purposes. So that’s how I know I made the right choice…I have no regrets and I don’t/didn’t feel fear when I stopped roleplaying. It just happened naturally, and I can still look back on those times fondly.

So maybe this phase right now is just another one of those hard obstacles that I have to face, sooner or later, maybe it didn't even have to be with Nobunagun but it just so happens that Nobunagun is the thing that I'm into now…maybe it’s a reconciliation of the last remnants of being a ‘super-fan’, that Nobunagun may be the last fandom I really feel a lot of passion for, and it’s hard to say good-bye to what feels like a huge part of what defined you. Maybe it’s something else. Maybe I’ll come out of this with a looser, but still warm relationship with Nobunagun. As my boss (of all people) once told me, ‘think of it as trading fireworks for a comfortable shirt; in the beginning of anything, it feels like there’s always fireworks going off because it’s so new and exciting, but after a while things start to even out and you don’t always feel excited, all the time. It becomes more like wearing a comfortable old shirt; it’s kind of the same over and over, but it’s familiar and comforting. And when those fireworks do come again, it’ll still be exciting—but just not all the time, so when they come you’ll treasure them.’

Maybe that’s the real answer; what I would like to be able to do, is like so many of my friends, is to rotate through different interests—Fire Emblem when a new banner comes out, whatever anime I happen to be watching this season—and go back and forth so when I’m thinking ‘hey, I don’t feel like writing Nobunagun stuff’ I can go and engage with something else. Yet it doesn’t feel like I can, even though I know I am capable of it; back when I was into YGO Zexal, I actually went between different fandoms quite often—off the top of my head were Star Trek, Mass Effect, but at the same time I never lost interest in Zexal; it was just kind of there, and I went back to it after a while. So, I know from past experience I’m capable of it…and back then, I didn’t feel any sort of fear or trepidation of being into something else—but of course each experience is different and it could be that the new thing didn’t allow me room to question whether or not I still liked the old thing—but anyway that’s a different topic.

Going back and actually reading my personal posts during that really bad mental period where I had to take a hiatus from RPing and Tumblr in general (or the ones that I haven’t deleted anyway), it actually is strangely calming because it proves to me, gives me physical evidence that I went through something so painful and never thought I would be okay but guess what I turned out okay. So it gives me hope…that this too, like everything else shall pass. It’s also kind of ironic that many of the things that I said then are what I’m saying now—so I don’t know, maybe it means something, maybe it doesn’t.

But what I do know, is that for the time being, I must take a step back. I must find a way to break these self-imposed chains that force me to think ‘you must obsess over Nobunagun 24/7’ so it doesn’t consume me to the point where my mental health deteriorates. So I don’t end up seeing Nobunagun as a dark spot in my life, but rather a positive thing and something that I will continue to like, but in a more balanced relationship. Not freaking out when I realize that maybe I’m just too tired to think about Nobunagun right now, and knowing that a lot of this is honestly the anxiety talking. Speaking of which, the sucky part about anxiety is that there isn’t a cure—it’s a condition, but you can manage it, and not let it define you. Meditation has done a lot for me, both in the past and now more than ever, and also just writing things out—hence why this really long-ass post.

Anyway; strange how writing things out and admitting your deepest fears can make them seem less scary and overwhelming. Perhaps that’s the point of journaling and such? Although my handwriting is so terrible these days and so slow that it’s faster for me to type rather than keep an analog journal…maybe some people will think that I am freaking out over nothing, that a fandom is nothing to lose sleep over but well, we all have our vices I suppose. I mean hey, at least it’s just a static thing, and not say, an abusive partner.

In any case, for the immediate time being I will be going on hiatus—just like that time when I kept getting anxiety about RPing, and I had to take a step back—I must do that now, too. Frankly I don’t think it will make much of a difference since I rarely update here anyway but on that note, I will not be checking for notifs/contacts on Tumblr or really anywhere else. i don’t know when I’ll ‘come back’ and honestly I don’t want to keep putting myself on schedules or deadlines; when I feel ready, I’ll know and it’ll happen naturally. I have the most wonderful friends and family so have no fear, I will not be alone. I’m sure I’ll be back, when I feel ready.