#i've saved myself so much money u have no idea.

[chalkrub]

also i think i finally sorted my computer issues.......i think i'm FREE.........i can finally open comms! for real this time! before october. i'm hoping

in the meantime i'd like to do some art trades to get back in the swing of things! if anyone is interested... <:^) i'll prioritise mutuals and/or people i know and i'll probably ask on twitter too, so i can't take too many i'm sorry. but i'll do these more often now. maybe.

you can dm me or comment below or contact me in another mysterious way, whatever works

[the-chessboard-is-personal]

hfjone liveblog bc I've heard this one is intense and i don't want to wait for the 29th to be shattered again /hj

using this playlist

EPISODE 1

0:04 - okay so this is already starting out WAY different than the other ones I've seen /positive. like. just from STARTING to watch this I feel this like. aura of "yeah this is going to be INTENSE" and- oh hey chess pieces

1:04 - character that isn't named after the object they are?? WHAT HE'S GONE????

(credits) - woah okay. WOAH OKAY. so, confirmation that it takes place on (an alternate timeline) earth. watching this kinda made me think about like. the sort of energy? of the start of each object show. like, ii is really upbeat, a bit low quality but made with passion, reminds me of total drama a bit, probably bc of MePhone's voice in ep1. bfdi had a gameshow vibe from the very beginning, it felt simultaneously natural and manufactured. but ONE? one is dark. one is the blues. one is six people being kidnapped. it feels like, idk. muffled sound. tv static. like an ellipses in 102pt font. silence demanding not to be filled.

●●●

anyway onto episod- oh there's a post credits scene

I- ..YOU SEE?? like that silence is LOUD AS FUCK. like that's "deep in an alleyway you're lost and alone" kind of silence, even though the scene was a grocery store. like the energy this series is radiating reminds me of WHITEPINE.

EPISODE 2

4:23 - sorry to keep mentioning ii while watching this but like. that limb thing is...familiar

14:08 - the fact that it's still nighttime when tomato is sent back implies to me that, while it has been a week on The Plane, everyone who gets eliminated will be transported back to both where and when they were taken from

EPISODE 3

9:59 - Airy has no idea what he's doing, does he.

14:58 - oh I never even thought stone would have malicious intentions...hm

EPISODE 4

0:24 - uhh.

1:57 - aww really? i liked Abstracty.

2:57 - uhh??

what is this

6:45 - wait what?? but people haven't even voted- 7:10 - oh. OH.

EPISODE 5

4:50 - oh there's. nowhere to vote in the description y'know I probably would've figured out that votes are fake if I had checked earlier

8:48 - ...I- I know what she's doing I think. "oh I can pay for [presumably life saving] surgery myself, I spent what you gave me on a TV and a phone" the candy guy I forget his name, saying he pointed out the warning she refused to wear a helmet? she. she's not trying to get rid of the mold, is she. she's using money as an excuse.

EPISODE 6

5:12 - oh Airy is. actually evil? or.?

EPISODE 7

1:56 - did he.drive home? drunk? 2:19 - oh that was Before.. huh.

4:48 - what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck wHAT THE FUCK- uhh.

EPISODE 8

1:47 - th. the. what the fuck. th- the entire show is powered by a ball connected to a wire. y'know if I had a nickel for every ti

5:55 - what the hell is that supposed to rnean

EPISODE 9

2:27 - dystopian ass billboard

3:53 - an address?? and holy shit stone knew he would keep those when he left huh.

(credits) - this show is amazing. this episode feels like a finale. because it probably IS the finale, of seeing the show from Backpack/Liam's perspective - or at least the gameshow (named one). or at least that's what it seems like to me. also the soundtrack fucking SLAPS and BRO THE DESCRIPTION THIS IS SO LIKE. POETIC?? d u d e

EPISODE 10

0:00 - the definition of rattlepate is "(ˈrætlˌpeit) noun. a giddy, empty-headed, talkative person; rattlebrain". interesting..

8:09 - sorry I don't have much to say about stuff, it is interesting, I just. I've been like half-speechless through this whole thing.

EPISODE 11

2:42 - you would not BELIEVE what my immediate thought was seeing that spoon character.

3:39 - what?

oh

5:09 - uh. 5:21 - TEXTY!! 5:44 - OH I saw a meme once where the airhorn was a Yippee instead-

EPISODE 12

1:21 - Liam is a telemarketer.. wait that link. SEASON TWO??? moldy with no mold. 2:00 - these. these images are censored very strangely. a- autophobic. afraid of being alone.. WAIT WAS TOOTHPASTE THE ONE ON THE OTHER CHAIR

EPISODE 13

3:19 - I knew he was going to do that.

6:40 - OH WHAT THE FUCK???

EPISODE 14

6:03 - Alan Becker reference?

EPISODE 15

(credits) - WHUH?? BRYCE???

EPISODE 16

6:58 - no. NO.

EPISODE 17

0:17 - I read that as "Transphobic" and was about to start writing a fucking comment-

1:16 - that's. that's who Abstracty tried to be that one time

EPISODE 18

5:13 - HE DIED???

(end) -

d

dude

dude

well I guess I was right about being shattered what the hell was that /positive

[trans-ralsei]

this is the n-th day I've wondered if I'm neurodivergent

I've sort of accepted that I have adhd traits, and that these things hinder me from being a more functional human being

and that it's actually painful sometimes for me to try to make myself work but i've actually managed to do it - meet my deadlines (mostly), make sure the work I do is somewhat up to par, etc.

i was way more dysfunctional a year ago, when i was juggling work with managing the city-wide trans Discord community (which, actually, was REALLY HUGE) and creating resources for that from scratch. people at the domestic newspaper i worked at and later got effectively fired from couldn't understand that i wasn't able to actually commit myself to it, more than I would be able to commit myself to, say, Other Stuff. (to be honest, i probably could, if they gave me enough incentive. but they didn't.)

i've been struggling with the idea that i might have undiagnosed A(u)DHD for a while now. for the longest time i thought my alexithymia was a symptom of autism, but i've been able to recognise some of my feelings after transition and understand that the fact that i couldnt' recognise how i felt was consistent with a degree of dissociation, a lack of a sense of self.

on the raads-r test i took last year, i scored 88, which wasn't very high, but was higher than the threshold of 65. (autistic people score a mean of 130)

reading descriptions of how kabru of utaya might be autistic got me thinking: what if part of the reason why i know so much about the people around me was largely to ensure that i could communicate effectively the wants and needs of myself and my friends?

the thing is: it's entirely possible that i end up forgetting this in a month or so until it crops up again. the first time in 2017, when i wondered if i could get myself formally diagnosed, i was told it would take around $2k USD in consultations. i'm pretty certain that isn't going to be the case today, but back then i said to my then closest friends that i was just simply going to park this tiny, nagging idea somewhere deep in a box and deal with it when i have a problem.

i'm not sure if this would be the turning point that forces me to get a diagnosis. it is in one of the top things to do Within The Year (apart from 'get proper health insurance', 'get back on track with my career', and 'start saving up for the House i just bought with the money in my pension savings with my partner'), but yeah! what's the Point

two of my best friends are autistic. most of my friends are ND. my partner has ADHD. my senior at the city-wide movement for trans rights reads as autistic (being a dad to two autistic daughters should be a giveaway?) and so do a lot of people around me. my ex-boss said on stage that she was on the spectrum, as a joke

[horrorfolk]

blah blah journaling here bc my laptop still don't work

this week has been super stressful but my car is finally working again and it didn't cost as much as I thought. Chris and I had a little trial run of us living together bc he had to stay for a week to drive me around everywhere (bless him). praying he gets this job he just interviewed for so he can move in asap. and yes I have hangups about moving in with yet another partner after not dating for a total year but like 😭 dude idk how anybody can afford to live on their own. me and Tara can't make rent with just the 2 of us and it'd be really nice to be able to save some money. and after my car broke down I for sure couldn't afford to split the house bills 50/50. it was Tara's idea to invite Chris otherwise I never would have suggested it. and we both have our weird feelings and fears about it, to a healthy degree I'd say. I mean idk. my attitude rn is kinda like, I think I've already been through the worst it could possibly get with moving in with a partner? like there's no way it could be worse than That, even if we do break up. we have our own separate spaces also which was the only saving grace me and my ex had after we broke up so that's good. but I also just don't rly see things going so poorly. I mean idk. u never rly know somebody. but Chris just SEEMS different and has actually told me he wants to marry me and be with me forever etc. he is a more open and honest communicator than anyone else I've ever dated. won't be like my ex where he went off and binged a bunch of drugs then lied to me about it, bought a gun and brought it into our house, cheated on me, broke up w me then threatened me with suicide when I decided to move on. like actually fucking crazy person type shit. I can't believe I put up with so much in my last relationship. literally a nightmare. and I can't believe ppl were blaming ME for all that shit 😭 idfk dude. I'm so glad to be out of that situation and living my life now. as stressful as it is rn with school and work I'm still so much better off than I was. Chris is actually a huge sweetheart and shows me affection and loves me in the ways I need to be. and spends time with me. and talks to me lol. like I'm Sorry but after talking over all this with my therapist for so long I've kinda come to the conclusion that none of that shit was my fault. it sucks that some ppl got caught in the crossfire but again it wasn't my fault. I'll take ownership of going back on my word by sleeping w somebody at the house. that was shitty but also? maybe don't cheat on me and lie to me the entire relationship and I'd actually gaf 😭 he got his stupid little "revenge" for that anyway lmfao. I just fr cannot believe the shit I've been through with the awful awful people I've dated.

in an ideal world Chris and I could live on our own for a bit before we move in together but the job market is fucked, the housing market is fucked, and neither of us could rly afford to do that. sooo we just gunna have to move in together. and I was rly reluctant at first but everyone I've talked to has been super in support of it bc he's just such a good guy. plus we've been friends for a few years anyway so it's not like I started dating this stranger then he moved in. we used to talk semi regularly in college. would have hung out if I ever had time.

for a second I was worried I'm like, a bad person who does horrible things and I Have made bad choices don't get me wrong but like. I'm not evil or irredeemable. I have all these friends now who actually love me?? and I made them myself? wild. also quite literally everyone I've talked to about the past events have been like ya dude ur a victim 😭 I feel more guilty about the shit that happened w Friday than I do w my recent ex. bc some of that was objectively my fault bc I was in such a horrible manic episode I was acting crazy. they did kinda SA me but like. idk man. I'm insane sometimes.

the whole thing with that friend saying that "my stress is not their problem" kinda just. idk. idk if we will ever rly be close again. they kind of refused to apologize for anything they said to me or for screwing me over in housing. plus all the shitty posts they made about me. like idk. we talked it over irl and like kinda made up? but I still don't think she ever even said she's sorry lol. and for months I blamed myself for my ex being suicidal bc of all that. until my therapist and I went over it again and again and I've kinda just realized none of that was rly my fault. if anything staying with my ex after the first incident was my mistake. but I felt rly trapped bc we lived together. that's what is so hard about living with a partner especially when you haven't been with them super long. like idk. I have a good feeling abt Chris. I genuinely do want to spend my life with him. I never rly felt that way abt my ex. even when they were moving in I was like ya this is fine/fun for now. but I never felt like my ex was my soulmate or anything. not that I rly believe in that shit. but Chris and I just connect and get each other on a different level. it's the first time I've ever rly felt truly understood by someone.

the things I feel guilty for are more like, I feel guilty for staying with the people who hurt me even after I've already accepted in my mind that they aren't the one. and I do that bc I'm scared of being alone and scared of confronting myself and the reality that it's not a perfect love story or whatever. and my ex did try to fucking. reel me back in after we broke up and keep me there but not fully there. but I removed him from my life after I had had enough and I am proud of myself for that. I don't need someone like that in my life, even as a friend. wishing the best for u but I don't want to be there to see it. after Friday SAd me I should have just ended it but again I stayed bc I was scared. and what I feel most shame for is manically scrounging up a plan to break up without actually breaking up and then making a fool of myself by "proposing" like God that's just so embarrassing lol. but idk like my therapist said I can't fully blame myself for the decisions I make when I'm in a manic episode bc that's just straight up Not Me. like part of the diagnostic criteria for a manic episode is making choices you would not otherwise make. I'm not crazy. I was just deeply traumatized and triggered and couldn't find a way out of it. then ofc they tried to screw me over in every way possible. I make bad choices in people I date. and I look back and I'm like, but if I'm the common denominator of all these people I dated, aren't I the shitty one?? like surely I pushed these people to madness right lol like they weren't bad people they just became corrupted bc I forced them into craziness. idkkkk my therapist also says I can't look at it like that. and that people with lifelong CPTSD often end up in abusive relationships bc of trauma and patterns and shit. so. there's that

while I am wary of possibly repeating my shitty patterns I also just have a good feeling about Chris. I'm at a point in my life where I'm done dating "for fun" like I actually want to find someone to spend my life with now. and I think he could be it. like idk people are like "when u know u know" and I just Know with him. he's such a good person, basically everything I've ever wanted out of a partner. he's smart as fuck and creative and interesting and sweet and loves my friends and has a lot of his own friends and we have similar ways of thinking and want the same things out of life. same lifestyles and same plans for our futures. he's highly emotionally intelligent and I feel like he'd never lie to me. I can trust him. he's always there for me. he's very helpful and never complains about helping me. he helps without even being asked. like mans fr just did our dishes. and I KNOW THE BAR IS IN HELL but fr lmao. I was a little apprehensive at first about dating, and I'm a little apprehensive about moving in together, but my gut says this is right and will help us both out a lot financially. and emotionally tbh.

so yea those are my updates. hopefully he gets this job and then can move in in September. and then I just have 6 months of school left. it feels like I have to grind forever for the rest of my life but it won't be forever. I just gotta get through this and it'll all be worth it. blaaaghdjdnns

[iwillneverforgiveyousunghanbin]

hi friend, it's 🪼🩵

i currently have a three hour break before my next class so i'm here lol let me tell you what i did today !! 🩵 i was able to clean my room after procrastinating it for 6 months. i also got out of bed immediately and did not scroll on my phone for 3 hours. i'm a new person !!

alsoo, i need advice on smth 😓 i'm thinking of getting a job (part-time, i can't commit that much yet) like maybe a server? or like a cashier?? i just need extra cash to support my addiction of collecting things 🥹😓🤧

oh i need to mention i really like collecting makeup and i recently got into hirono figurines!! they're just so cute ugh i might send an imgur link so you can see them idk

you don't need to give advice, and if you do, it doesn't need to be lifechanging. i've js been thinking about it for like... 8 months so i feel like i should do something about it

oh, you're writing another chapter right? good luck with that my friend. i can't wait for your magnus opus. this will be equivalent to the invention of the light bulb i swear

i have quite the social energy today... i will tone it down a little. sorry if i drift between topics a lotttt it's a habit 😓 anyway take your time replying

as always thank u my friend and ily 🪼🩵

yessss cleaning your room (while sometimes the most daunting task ever) feels so refreshing! i used to leave my room so messy and i still can let it get pretty disorganized, but once i started making my bed every day i found i felt so much better. and when i don’t doomscroll, i also have a much better day!!! so good for you 😍

i think it’s a great idea to get a part time job. it can also be awesome for helping social skills, especially if you have coworkers (that’s the one thing i miss with my job. it’s just me by myself a lot of the time except when i meet with clients). i’m a petsitter and finally getting that job really changed my life. i had a lot of mental health issues and my job gave me something to focus on and a sense of purpose. it also allowed me to have some more independence, save money, and, of course, spend it on all the things i fangirl over. so i highly suggest!

and if you don’t have a block of set free time for a job, i can highly vouch for “gig work”. idk where you’re located but service jobs like rover/petsitting, doordash, instacart delivery, etc is a viable option but it comes with its own unique set of challenges as well. 🩷 whatever you choose, i think you’re making an awesome decision (even tho working does suck and we are also slaves to capitalism and so on and so forth. still gotta make money unfortunately)

also yes, send me your collections! i actually love looking at collections even if its not of my immediate interest.

taerae chapter should be finished soon 🤩 i also wrote hao’s ending and i love it sm. i’ve had too much energy the past two days, i need to calm down lol

🩵ily 🪼💘

[gayathreya]

kanguva fixit fic time

okay i've seen it multiple times now and while i don't hate it, i think it's mediocre-below average and it is filling me up with sooo much frustration cos.. it doesn't have to be. there are relatively easy fixes for the script when this much effort has already gone into the production design and setting! i don't mind waiting 2+ years for a suriya film, but i just hate it when i do that and it's bogged down to be another loud action entertainer, a genre i thoroughly despise more and more these days as i age. i say i don't hate it, but tbh... the more i think about this film, the more i'm starting to dislike it.........

SO... I'M JUST GONNA WRITE SOME BULLETPOINT PARAGRAPHS ON FIXING IT THE WAY I AS A FAN WOULD DO i think it will help process some more of my frustration with it after my lbxd reviews. the 3 biggest problems i have with the film are direction+editing (i consider these together, and by extension, the lack of patience and fleshing out given to the worldbuilding which deserves it), the sound and screaming dialogue (also, really, part of a director's failing) and the abhorrent cameo, so my points will seek to address that most.

we open with the present, yes? actually, i think the fact there's this timeline is fine, unlike quite a few saying it wasn't needed. i disagree because if your main plot is about reincarnation, you MUST have different timelines, because the whole mythos and trope of reincarnation is the unfulfillment in a past life coming back to haunt you in the next. there is something that needs to happen, and the related souls cannot rest until a wish is met. if you don't want the present portion, the core plot itself has to change, which meh, i don't want to put in this much effort into thinking about this film cos it irritates me.

i don't want or need to change the entire story cos idc about this film to put in that energy, but one of the first marketing failures is that they seemed almost embarrassed to admit it was a reincarnation story, which i don't get at all. reincarnation themes are one of the biggest and most easily acceptable ideas in indian mythos and storytelling.. why would u be embarrassed about it? there were actual interviews where the background crew involved kept saying it was an ''interesting'' connection and straight up lied that it wasn't reincarnation, which is the main reason why so many fans were coming up with different thoughts on what the key plot was; namely, an immortality curse/boon affecting hero and villain directly and how the elements of faith and the kid tied into that. none of this is true, ofc, and that's fine, i won't slam the film for not giving me what i myself thought. but if they had said this from the start, which isn't even a spoiler cos it opens with that instantly, people would have had a clearer mind going into it. false marketing is worse than no marketing, and i'm still seething about all the bullcrap they uttered about it

my issue with the present timeline really is just the sheer dogshit idea of their jobs and conflict. we didn't need francis as a bounty hunter, he could've just been some guy working a normal job with his ex-girlfriend and he stumbles across the kid, who also didn't need any of that science fiction biomedical shit ripoff to happen. he literally could've just been A RANDOM CHILD who is abused or used in some bad fashion, whom francis accidentally meets and wants to save, cos their bond doesn't let them go. idk, i think these are simple things that could make any movie better, cos it wipes away the unnecessary shit and over the top bs with tech, we don't need that. i have no idea why directors do not want to keep their films simple to focus on the core emotion, instead wasting so much time and money to have hired guns and soldiers in loud explosive action scenes. action sequences and soldiers btw, which were reeeally bad cos the english dialogue writing was horrible

just think about how this portion in the intro and climax could've been soo much better if it was stripped down. none of the aeroplane nonsense and high tech trucks and guns and random white thugs like what is the fucking reason!!! only shitty directors who can't write hide behind needless extravagance. and siva is definitely a shitty director who can't write. i would much rather the kid be a child who is under a kidnapping ring, no matter how cliche it sounds, cos it's still miles better than uhhh *checks notes* giving him mutant superpowers after his brain has been operated on. wowz so cool da. is this 1990.

like this just makes me so angry thinking about it, this artificial inclusion of a sci fi trope, when the film already looks so ugly in that horrible ai intro which looks so ghastly and obviously fake. for that alone, i'm almost at the zone of saying i'm happy this flopped. on top of obviously using ai to ''enhance'' suriya's voice in other languages as they said... like bro.... FLOP DESERVED. if an actor can't even be fuckin arsed to learn the dialogue and DUB IN A FUCKING STUDIO FOR HIS OWN MOVIE??? then piss off. if i were a fan of his from telugu lands or something i'd feel honestly deeply cheated and hurt. what's to stop anyone from saying he doesn't even need to dub in tamil anymore? we have his fake voice coming from a computer that they clearly believe is acceptable to throw into other languages, thinking that emotion and inflections are worthy of their audience. do the same in tamil then. how about it. such lazy, horribly unethical filmmaking deserves to be thrown to the dogs. fuck gen ai use in art and fuck studio green and fuck everyone who agreed to that shit

the period portion... where do i start, man. what a mess. why wasn't there any breathing points.... why didn't we have any lull in the screenplay. that's the first thing i would change, and anyone disagreeing cos they want to make it ''racy'' or ''crisp'' needs to be kicked to the curb. you are not a child. have some patience. horrible filmmaking style that does nothing but induce a headache. i just mentioned this elsewhere but even slow paced 3 hour films would get fans, because there'll be something in there to warrant a revisit. but fast paced vomit spat out onto a script won't, cos there's no rewatch value at all. i have very minimal interest in sitting down to rewatch this cos the scenes are all just blurring together and i can't even catch a breath to analyse anything. imagine if we just had suriya in pain, suffering, a film exploring his psyche about his guilt, betrayal, both physical and emotional hurt, perhaps a disability from the stab wound... just nothing. fucking give me 10 mins of suriya crying or having his wounds tended to, it'd be better than this trainwreck garbage of scenes whizzing by that i can't even separate. i really... HATE!! editing like this. i haven't seen worst editing in a suriya film except in singam 3. this is almost on par imo

there were so many things mentioned in interviews by suriya/the team that never happened on screen. suriya for example, talked so much about the aspect of faith and their deities, how the different clans operate with different economics, worship, even their disposition in relation to their worshipped elements.... sorry, these are either flat out lies or more likely, things told to him in passing that siva never bothered to fuckin put in script. they never had any prior script reading, btw. suriya legit said siva writes his dialogue early morning at 4-5am, and at 7am or so he's given the papers and thrown into set to act. well of course this film is gonna be shit, brother. what else did anyone expect!!! no practice, no script reading, no chemistry between actors to act out and perform, no voice modulation and testing that's why every other scene it's him shouting alternately and pissing all of us cos we can't even watch a movie in peace.... saying ''they're tribals'' as an excuse for the constant shouting is also such a poor understanding and dehumanisation of our ancestors, who also had calm, peace, quiet love and contemplation, in their longings or beliefs. this actually isn't a movie. it's a reels fest for instagram and tiktok wanker teens. it's clear siva didn't think of his whole as a film, but merely events and moments to stitch together, cos there's no way in hell any competent director would create a film like this otherwise. can't stand films crafted solely for events and spectacle, cos where is the character drama and arcs of highs and lows? even an amateur writer would know this.

speaking of breathers... what i really want in films is vulnerability and fragility of the hero to be depicted. i legit couldn't believe my eyes after what happens in the interval, cos i was so sure once that betrayal happens, we'd be spending the next 10-15 mins of suriya hurt, in both physical and emotional pain at his failure in taking care of the boy and convincing him of his good will. i thought we'd see kanga struggling to walk or fight, one of his arms useless to him now, but... notHING EVER COMES FROM THIS!!! we just continuously get pulled into narrative plot point after narrative plot point. there is no time at all to be spent on exploring kanga's psyche.. a better writer-director would certainly think about this. siva didn't. even the present timeline when francis dislocates his own thumb, i thought it would come up - the idea of casting self-injury on himself this time to save a boy who stabbed him in the past, it's almost poetic. but... nothing. just fucking nothing. where is the literary value and tension and poetry that all this potential has???

this obviously extends to all the other moments the movie could have slowed down and added more dialogue or atmospheric tension - the burning at the stake, the rock of justice, any of the worship and politics and economic push and pull these clans have with each other... instead, we get literally nothing apart from ''evil blood clan'' who hates ''good fire clan'' BRO WHAT ARE THEY EVEN FIGHTING FOR!!! what is their conflict? there's no point of moral or philosophical discussion point at all between these clans in the film. this also ties in to the first crime - koduva killing 100 (-99, really) men, and the fallout from that. why not just make him kill 1? then wouldn't there have been an actual avenue to discuss capital punishment and revenge, and eye for an eye vengeance or rehabilitation? where's the conflict point in executing a piece of shit who murdered ONE HUNDRED PEOPLE?! this could've so easily been turned into commentary on how one views justice and crime against the backdrop of tribes. the audience is given nothing for us to think about their sides and who to root for, what mistakes or crimes they may have committed against each other, or any kind of conflict in their faiths or ideology that one goes against. just typical one-dimensional bad guy who hates the typical one-dimensional good guy. you spent almost 3 years making this.. this is what you came up with?? fucking juvenile. even a beginner writer would be embarrassed to put this out. obviously, this happens when your whole team is just thinking about how to make hero mass entry and cOO0llLL YOuTh gEN Z moments, rather than expanding upon the world and potential themes to flesh out. there is no point saying in every interview siva has great knowledge in tamil literature. so fuckin what. none of that shit matters cos his writing isn't literary at all. this looks like a grade school paper a child puts out for what makes a ''cool'' hero and nothing more cos they do not have the capacity for literary analysis.

the cameo.... watha i'm pissed as f. i cannot tell u how angry i was watching that shit first day. sooo stupid and unnecessary, completely spoiled the expectations of waiting for rolex/dhilli clash on screen just cos siva had a stupid idea to make this into 2 parts which didn't need to be. FUCKKK YOUU, MAN!!!!!!!!!!! this should've just been a single, longer movie, and with kanga failing both his promises (protecting the boy like he promised his mother, and letting himself be killed by him), should've just killed himself in the climax. it would've been a great ending for him actually as it intercuts with the present (i did like the intercut of both timelines in the climax actually, i think this is the only portion where the editing is done decent), where in one time we see him throw himself to the sharks to be ripped apart after his failure, and in another time he manages to save the boy from whatever it is, and maybe even inadvertently dies in the process because of the kid due to a past sin of his own in the role of the present kid's harsh life, but dying happily so, creating a bittersweet tragedy of broken promises mending itself in another lifetime. this could've easily been made up to be a tragic literary piece on reincarnation and promise, and it would've worked. idk. i'm just spitballing. it's not that i've had a long time to think about this, these are very basic things i already thought of almost immediately after my first show, and i'm just stumped no one else in that whole shit team bothered to take a step back and think to make this more compact into 1 solo film. if everything just has to be about milking money from the audience and dsp blaring shitty loud music every second, then fuck you.

i think this got longer than i intended. there're still so many other problems apart from direction and editing, pacing, but these above things are the biggest ones for me. cos even with the extremely painful and poor quality bgm by dsp, i also believe it could've been naturally avoided if given a slower film, and he wouldn't have made this so loud for no reason. it'd be very natural for a md to provide quieter moments if the scenes themselves are softer with more intimacy and atmosphere, not stitched together from all high moments, which ofc would only make his job louder.

so many dumb fight scenes... the opening francis fight and editing style with coloured words and childish intercuts (sorry idgaf i am a thallumaala hater because i am not 12 years old thinking this is cool).. the croc fight.... which served literally ZERO PURPOSE. no really. they even dared release a video on that making, to show how much HarDWOrK they put in for it, making a river and animal from scratch, painting and animating it, and it's like ??? tf for???? the only bit that served was to make the boy injured, and to make kanga take care of him leading into the mannippu song. this could've been achieved in soo many other ways... poruva could've been bitten by a dangerous insect. he could've eaten the wrong fruit. he could've slipped and fell down a bad ravine or cliff that looked inviting but is actually deadly. LITERALLY ANYTHING else would've saved them so much time and money, and yet still prove and highlight the same idea to the audience that the forest they've been exiled to is dangerous and not easy to survive in. nothing though.... just nothing.

i can't believe i'm still talking about this given how frustrated it makes me and how lazy i feel these scenes are written in for what they think is mass appeal. spectacle, scale, budget, visuals.. NONE of this substitutes good, calm pacing and editing and story. man, i'm tired. ok whatever i'm done

[adollarforurthoughts]

Rude. Just rude today.

I'm honestly curious about why you are behaving like this today. The day started okay. You woke me up to bring Ambreen to the vet. Finally, after our many arguments that I've highlighted to bring Amby to see another vet, you listened. Though I didn't appreciate the, "You the one who wanted to bring her see another vet, you pick la." Hello, my intentions are only well. Why the tone. That said, we amicably selected on one place, but unfortunately, it was only by appointments. So we went to another in Woodlands. I think at this point, yes, I was rly cranky + annoyed + having a headache + period + FLU. What a combi. You were thoughtful to bring me eat after. It went well, of course, until we came home. I didn't appreciate the doubt you said when I gave Amby meds through her food. Your words, "I've done this so many years, she will spit it out. You're wasting it." Let me try, at least??? You know that I'm a person that needs to try it for myself before finding other alternatives, so that remark was not needed. Putting cream together on her was okay. Oh ya, I feel that the things you say is just to make me feel better. For example, "Can u give her meds?" Happily of course I will! But low and behold, somehow, you will takeover and grumble about how I'm not doing things right and say things like, "Macam mana dia tak baik kalau tak buat betul2." It's just the tone that I'm annoyed with. I'm not doing it right then jolly well teach me nicely, if not do it yourself. I'm not talking about today specifically but just generally.

Then after that, you wanted me to bring Amby to Nino's room and takecare of her. Shortly, you asked me if i could help fold clothes. I agreed of course cause I wasn't rly doing anything. Less than 30 mins in, you came in and asked if we should just hire someone and do it. Of course I'm supportive of this idea, because you are exhausted and tired. This will benefit everyone. I went out of the room and we were discussing it with mummy. Then you came in again and said "Oh abang forget to book. Help me think of a place to eat." This continued for another half hour. This point, I was contemplating to go cause I wasn't feeling well, Amby wasn't feeling well and I thought you could save some money by me not going. But if course you said, "Can you don't make things difficult, just come." Haha and by the time you left the room, 15mins later Nino came home. I took whatever I folded and put it into your room. And 5mins later you said, "Is this what you have folded so far??" I said yes and you gave me THAT tone again, "HUH NI JE?" Then what do you expect me to say? Idk if you know but Nino's clothes were in that pile too??? Takpe, I keep quiet, and I went to nap with pupi.

Then I woke up for dinner and wow, I have to commend myself for getting ready in minutes! We went out and had dinner. It was honestly good, I was impressed. But when dinner comes to an end, this is the part (that happens most of the time.. well, not that I mind but feel like I'm an extra), taking family photos. It's like I'm there to just help take photos. Feeling so out of place every single time it came to that. As much as I want to be part of this family, I never will. Went home, and it was time to give Amby meds and dinner before gg for supper. You asked me if I could give her water and I said yes. As usual, when it comes to Amby, you would ask me to do things but in the end.. You takeover. Its always I'm not doing things right.. right? But I guess, the final tick that got me so offended was the remark where you said, "Why people don't know how to tie properly?" (Referring to her cone collar bow) Wow. People. I'm people. Because I tied the bow. I think that was enough to know that I do not deserve all these belittling when I'm only trying to help.

Safe to say, I'll probably help to keep out of the way when it comes to Ambreen. Because after all, the way that you put it to your family about bringing her to a different vet, it's like you thought of it and it was your idea. But hey, after all those arguments, don't I deserve some credit. Coffee Bean was just cold shoulder treatment from me to you because you were rly rude. And you pretended like nothing was wrong calling me baby and all.. Wow. At this point, idk what's my worth to you, honestly.

[lqfiles]

user lqfiles i have no idea what to call you.

see saying "hello tumblr user lqfiles" sounds ominous and it's giving sigma... god i hate that word. i have beef with the gen alpha slang, everytime i hear a reel with "what the sigma" i grow a little closer to throwing that toaster right into the bathtub. ANYWAYS, my point is that i'm going to figure out how to come up with a nickname for you. it'll come, eventually trust. i'll think of one okay. something to do with l & q idk. unless there's something else you want me to call you? ALSO NOOO IM NOT RICH. 😭😭 as i mentioned before i bought like... 3x the amount of pcs i OWNED BEFORE i went on a buying spree. so all i had was just the pcs i collected from albums that were gifts from friends... (i never thought it a good idea to spend money on this stuff for myself.) I was actually traveling abroad which was why i hadn't checked in for a bit, and the prices... were just so much cheaper!! So I decided, why not? fuck it we ball! (my life motto to everything at this point...) and i'm in a decent financially stable point in my life where i can indulge in this stuff, so i bought quite a bit... i tried to focus on buying pcs... cause storing albums in my suitcase makes it a lot heavier.

i definitely have a hand kink its not a joke anymore. IT REMINDED ME OF THIS IMAGE (idk if it's going to work if it doesn't uh.... ignore! cause i've never sent links on anon and tumblr hates making things easier for us.) https://postimg.cc/1gWC0B48 AND IDK IF YOU CAN SEE IT BUT ITS SO FUNNY I COULDNT STOP LAUGHING. they're both me

i also have no idea who louis partridge is BUT HOLY FUCKING SHIT I JUST LOOKED HIM UP AND GOD DAMN. like my taste in men is obviously questionable, and like most people i did have a thing for andrew garfield and theo james... but i think i often find myself crushing on east asians half of the time, mostly because i am eastern asian myself, and it's not like on purpose cause i do find other races hot, it's just the way i grew up finding famiiarity in those faces? does that make sense idk im yapping at this point.

ALSO THE SMAU IS SO FUNNY IM CAUGHT UP NOW.... HAECHAN LITERALLY GOING THROUGH ALL STAGES OF GRIEF. HE WANTS HER SO BAD BUT ALSO THE COMPLAIN ABOUT THE WHOLE PINTREST BROWSING.... LIKE HES SO REAL AND CUTE AT THE SAME TIME I LOVE HIM. (chatgpt is too real AND THE FACT THAT y/n IS EATING IT UP IS SO FUNNY LIKE I WOULD'VE ALREADY BEEN LIKE.... why does this sound like it's written by ai...) holy fuck that's a lot i ranted a lot anyways hello, look forward to the next chapter. love you and hope u have a great day TUMBLR USER LQFILES - 🤠

hejdhskdj sometimes i’m tempted to put my name back in my about me so you guys can put a name to my account but then i remember how don’t wanna be perceived THAT much and rethink #SOZZZZ idk maybe i’ll come up with a new alias that you can start addressing me by, tho if you’re curious you can figure my name out if you find my main blog and check my tags 😭

you’re gonna hate me omgg bc except for the word sigma (cos that cringe) i unfortunately love brainrot content atm… like yess give me the skibidi toilet rizz party, give me the ohio fanum tax, GIVE ME RHE MAXIMUM AURA 😅😂 the effect of living with little boys..

FUXK IF WE BALL IS SUCH AN AMAZING LIFE MOTTO like exactly.. we are ballin.. anyways you not spending any money yourself on albums is sending me lmaooo but at least you were able to use the money you had saved to buy yourself some cheeky pcs. tbh i think pcs are the only appealing part for most part when buying an album anyways so it’s a good thing that you didn’t buy albums lmaooo

THE IMAGE IS SHOWING LMAOOOO i love this pic so bad ughhh he has such nice hands i wish i could hold his hands and play with them.. the perfect mix between girly dainty hands and manly veiny like I WANXTHU SO BAD HAECHAN

MOST PEOPLE MUST NOT INLCUDE ME… but tbh i don’t think i have a specific race i like in men, THO IM IN MY ARABIC BOYS ERA RN… idk if anyone knows slushynoobz but hamza.. i wantchu saaaur bad like GIVE ME THE YEMENI BOY.. also i don’t think it’s weird to prefer your own people!!! its something a lot of cultures have too so don’t worry about it you’re not yapping, my mum is the same 😭

LOLLLL HAECHAN EXPERIENCES THE LOSS OF HIS UNOFFICIAL GF he was probably with his head in his hands when she didn’t respond to his apex request. and ntm he tweaked the letter a bit to make it more personalised!!! a bit of ai here and there but still personal!!!!

I LOVE YOU TOOO COWBOY ANON!!!

[thoughtcock]

self manifestations for 2023/24 (progress)

[X] rent an better actual apartment, by myself or with someone else: I am currently here now :) sitting by myself in the comfort of my living room, while listening to lofi music on youtube as background. And boy, what an amazing feeling it is. it is merely just over 400 sq ft, a small size by most standards. yet its just enough for me and the bf who comes over.

I used to feel like I don't do well in the ordinary, life had to always be happening or I have to be on some unconventional route (i mean it kinda is but still) to be happy or whatever. But lately, I really do appreciate the peace and the ordinaryness. I now romanticise the chill/hiding away to my safe space. I love doing my silly little home decorating and just feeling present at this apartment. my safe space.

I gradually became a much more neater and organised person. seriously, i started making my own bed more regularly and you could point a gun at me and i would find it so pointless to do it. its just going tog et messy again so who cares? but now.... i see why people do it.

i thought me being messy was just a personality trait of mine and i hoped people around me will accept it. but i dont know... i guess there's this new-found form of respect i have for my space now, and keeping it tidy just makes it so much more pleasant for me. the only issue with that is i spend significantly more time tidying, and my boyfriend still hasnt caught up to speed yet.

But still... I finally get ikea catalogues and how they are always selling this idea of a beautiful home enriching your life. because its true. and i get why people buy picture frames and decorative tissue boxes and carpets and all. to make a space much cozier, which in turn makes u happier and more at peace. And I get why people buy extra practical things like a water filter, storage space for your appliances, a speaker, a standing desk. because why wouldnt you? it boosts your quality of life in different ways.

Yes, its not cheap to rent, but damn I would rather pay with money than with my mental health. for seven years i've lived with the bare minimum. mostly stuck to buying necessary stuff for my home, or barely buying anything at all for fear it will eat up the little space i was allocated to. and now to have the space(!!) and options to buy something just for the aesthetics is suddenly new to me again. for 8 years i've been living in cramped dorms/subdivided rooms/flat share. i am so grateful and i cant wait to make more and get an even bigger space maybe (i still wish for a bigger kitchen, and an actual designated to hang clothes without taking over the living room space).

In the meantime maybe i can start thinking about owning a home. though i still dont feel ready, need to save more haha

[ ] get my first tattoo: still in the works. all the artists i like are either based far away, or i am still undecided and frankly procrastinating. slighly worrying about the fallout with the mother. also there is a bit of inertia to just fuck it and out trust in an artist for a tattoo that im not sure of yet.

[ ] adopt a cat: unlike getting a tattoo, i dont think i can just bite the bullet and bring an animal to my life full-time. since having a family dog, i realised how important it is to consider how I really have to be responsible for a pet. And making space for said pet in your life. my family dog came to us in a "yolo" way of sorts, and while he is amazingggggg, i know if it were up to me i'll do so much more to give him a better life. and so, i would like to carefully consider everything before fostering one. and also because my new apartment is so great as it is, how can an animal live in it well without destroying the space i worked so hard for?

[X] adapt well in new job: giving this an X because so far i've performed better than how i did in my first year. but there's a lot of self-pressure and probably managerial pressure to step up and do even more, learn even more etc. tbh sometimes it feels like my brain is swimming from all these new things i've learnt or am expected to learn. i dont want to disappoint people, but i am also trying to give myself the space/patience to improve and be better. after all im paid much better to live in this nice apartment.

[X] buy fancy decorative stuff for said new apartment (eg. plates, candles, artsy fartsy stuff)

[ ] be reading more: definitely falling back on reading... sometimes its hard to get the attention span to do so. i've been told i should get back on self-help books. so far i've read more autobiographies. there are some books i own that take me back to chaotic times (Eg. 2019) and i'm sure if i even want to touch them for fear of bringing up not so great memories and how this city is quietly turning to shits. well at least i have my nice place as it turns to shit... privilege much?

[ ] continue to choose myself: i feel like its a half-half on this...

[X] be okay with change: something i read recently is how because nothing last forever, its best to appreciate things are they are now before they are gone. the glass is already broken. impermanence makes things more beautiful.

[ ] have more reflective alone times: unfortunately not doing as much of that, but i hope that will change!!!! sometimes i live life on autopilot mode, and i could feel myself living in that mode for months since i've stopped going to therapy. autopilot mode isnt bad, but yeah i know i dont truly reflect on my feelings much if that is so. and i find my thoughts so muddled and messy at times. its like what the fuck do i want sometimes, why am i overthinking this and that, am i doing enough of this and that bla bla,,, but i dont know WHY im thinking like that. sometimes writing this in word vomit mode helps to rationalise and write out all the things in my head which is great... although i feel like a terrible writer because everything is so messy and word vomity

[X] solo travel (either a beach getaway or city gal holiday, or both): my first solo trip coming up soon! a beach getaway is something i always want to do. im not going to plan much or keep everything to a schedule, just see where this trip takes me. im hoping to just chill and be rejuvenated, and yes try to be more reflective

[ X] turn off my brain when work is over: a WIP but i would say i've gone heaps and bounds since leaving my last job. work stops at 6 and i try not to open my emails/messages, but i guess with more responsibilities sometimes i cant help it. but i can safely say i do have more time for other things without feeling like some manager will find me to settle a story or whatever. it feels nice to have no one bug u after work hours!!

[X] maintain close relationships with the people who matter: not sure whether to tick this since i've become a lot more introverted this year. i no longer do big parties or try to organise one anymore. in that sense i do feel more distant from people now, sometimes i dont even know who matters and who doesnt. but this time, i feel perfectly okay with it. i think its the new house effect, i just want to stay home all the time. maybe the person who matters most in my life is me, after all.

[X] restart seriously saving and investing again: getting paid more helps. though i do need to re-evaluate my investing choices. i jsut need to be careful about lifestyle inflation and balance things properly. i started budgeting again this months so hopefully i can stick to it.

[X] stay away from people with bad energy: its actually easier to do that when u have a significant other and u are okay to be alone. no longer interested in clubs or gettign fucked up, or getting on dating apps anymore.

-[X?] feel valued in a workplace/relationship: yes for work, thanks to great managers and great benefits. relationship, i would like to think my friends value me, and as for my boyfriend? i guess he does in his own ways, though i would like to feel more of it.

New goals:

learn diving

solo travel/travel to more unconventional places

romanticising life more

take a chill hobby like coloring

exercise at least 1x a week

[pokefanbri]

Bri's back story

Little back story, my mom's birthday is Halloween btw lol 🎃 She was a very wild child & couldn't be controlled by grama & grampa rip. Who always compared her to her older siblings who were roudy & eventually became roudy herself. Conceived me & twin bro in New Orleans where she had fun & came back pregnant w/us, Grampa passed in 96 & the fam split, she raised 4 kids on her own, did crack & broke under the pressure, got us taken away is the gist.

We were put in foster care when I & my twin bro (13) & 2 younger siblings were all split up into group homes after twin bro called cps & snitched on her, can't forgive her, paint himself as the victim & says I abandoned the family of which was only his opinion nobody else's. Since I reunited with her I'm unforgivable & discarded by him & my aunt by association. But honestly foster care was probably the best thing for us cuz we struggled to eat at home, whereas actually well taken care of my the government. Twin & I got through our HS careers in separate schools w/the same build blueprint so was like a twin school...thank God he would have cramped my style 😎 We got jobs at 16 to save for apt after emancipation. The only issue was visitations, they wouldn't let us see her cuz CPS is ALWAYS AGAINST THE MOTHER... denied her rights to see us but we could see each other. (cuz drugs are involved regardless if from good homes or not, I had a roommate w/a similar situation w/her kids but she was a good mom) My younger bros got adopted out into & nice family, twin bro naturally got adopted by them as well but at 19 cuz he wanted what they had. Right b4 that he crashed at my earned apartment, that I had in high school. They got all their own cars & everything they wanted, big but messy house. However I went a diff route & not knowing it was an option to be adopted, I did everything on my own & humbled myself on the bottom living my own struggle....... while they floated in a pool & had loving parents & went on cruises without me. But none of them know God, it's a shame really how reverse the world seems. But I understand why He made it this way, for my life to be in shambles is with a relationship with Him & it gets easier after every lesson, more interesting too never a dull moment. He's going to weed out the truly faithful from liars in the end. There's no hiding from God, He's gonna do everything in the perfect order according to His plan. Everything I've experienced is all part of the process & I just have to stay patient

Twin Bro always played video games & ignored everything. Loves Harry potter & looks just like him. Smart, won a bike from a Geography B. Loves Britney Spears (I found out that Britney is the female version of his name 🤣 no wonder) was introduced to a lot of games by watching him play Playstation, & GameCube that we shared but never let me play, so I was stuck playing our N64. Fought with mom a lot about her secret addiction. All we had was each other growing up for a while until our siblings came around. We kind of drifted apart but not my choice. He's the only person in the family that thinks I abandoned them when it's literally an obviously reverse, only cuz I was associated mom at all in the past. He wants nothing to do with her so he wants something to do with me as well. I'm always compared to my mom and I hate it.

Middle child always had a knack for making money 💰 starting young ADHD & had wild ideas to get in trouble. Always high, scheming, has multiple businesses going but seems to always be broke & asking for money, & has 4 kids. Usually only concerned about how he can use u to his advantage & how much he can make off of u. However he may be Fked up the most & may need an exorcism due to antichrist & blasphemous behavior.

Youngest grew up right cuz he was too young & is very very funny, actually cares about me but doesn't know me very well unfortunately.

I've always been quiet ordered around to do the chores and clean the house like Cinderella. Wake everyone up, get the little ones ready for school as well as myself. Babysat my brother's constantly, was mothering them from a young age making sure they didn't get into trouble, while my twin brother played video games the whole time & mom got high. She did the best she could with 4 kids I guess, but gave up, clouded judgement by the drugs. We were quite a few years away from coming back home to Tucson from Iowa & well that's a whole other story back east. I believe when my Youngest brother's abusive dad was in jail it was a chance for us to leave & come home. Actually glad he didnt know his dad, the worst kind of paranoid schizophrenia, not the kind I am...the untreated scary psycho kind with hitting involved 😰 u dont wanna know. So years go by & after staying with my mom's friend & her kids for a while, we got our own place. & Years after 9/11, in 2004 we were taken by cps. I was still ordered to clean every day til I got my own apartment & had no choice but to clean, now I'm ocd to a point lol. Eventually mom went to rehab & everything we own was thrown into the garbage. Me being sneaky, went back to our apt after school during my time at the group home when I wasn't supposed to & stuffed my backpack with my CDs, book collections of rare Pokémon & 95% girly Yugioh cards of which I Eventually gave away which was so stupid of me 😫😓 Took a while to collect em all. The yugioh cards may still be at my church's youth group building where the African intergeated church now resides...wonder if they're still there like in the back room.

Anyway mom spoiled twin more than all 4 of us to keep his mouth shut about her drug use after she told him,fought w/her alot whilst being spoiled at the same time while I cleaned & took care of the younger 2. While twin played video games I was screamed at with curse words & told to do everything for her except cook, traumatized the fk outta me. However paid me to play yazzi with her sometimes when she was high lol. Guys & friends going in & out of the place all the time, they didn't scare me...I learned to be very protective & wary. Misspent youth growing up early couldn't really be a kid so I'm sort of a kid still at ❤️ The group home drilled cleaning into me too 🫤 CindaBri over here. These days I'm very sensitive & am prone to crying since I was a kid. I don't do well with conflict, bullying, negativity of any kind I cannot tolerate. I have a huge heart despite how I grew up, I was a pushover & it took me a longtime to develop a backbone. I absolutely hate it when I'm mistreated, feels like I'm a punching bag for family to take it out on. Well hears something, I honestly do not give a flying rat's ass what they think about me or my mother. I am free from their controlling ways and I'm so grateful to God that he gave me the strength to sever ties on my own terms and not theirs instead. I'm allowed to do the same exact thing & cut people out of my life if its better for me & my health then that's what I'll do. Not because of hatred but because it's the right thing to do. As family oriented as I want to be it's just not possible for my family to get along and it's very sad & pathetic. I have to be able to heal from the trauma even more as I had the worst of it. now broken however beautiful 😊 Mostly independent & very strong/resilient 💪 I have Jesus to thank for saving my life more than I can count. Never learned to drive either to this day & always take the bus. I think I'm 10x slower, I work really hard & always burnt out.

Oh yeah here's the kicker, at 19 I started getting auditory & increasingly visual hallucinations ever since...i have a brilliant mind like I'm fkin Matilda after my trauma or some sh*t. I've been having de ja vu or precognitive dreams of my own life since I was a toddler, one of a week span smashed into 1 dream which was my strongest one while I wad a teenager. Lately I don't remember much of my dreams since late 2023 😓 my gifts keep growing though & I swear I hear passed on or alive family, friends, & even celebrities, & my calico cat of 15 yrs. Whatever it is I believe it's God given, but I don't know how to control it yet. Hallucinating i don't think so, cuz its contant noise for 16 years. Though I know demons can mimic too, they were doing it at the start making me lose my mind, so idk if I've been followed since or what. I use logic in everything, very self aware, I know I'm not crazy. Just cuz others don't experience what I am don't mean it's not real, it is to me. And I don't wanna suppress it either I want to develop whatever it is but for now I have to figure it out on my own. I'm usually very private about what I go through nobody knows this side of me, nor do they understand & just pass it off as (I'm crazy for having voices in my head, so the solution is to fill her with medication, watch her drool on her food & wander around aimlessly in a psych ward for 2 weeks. Later hospital visits were due to suicide attempts but swallowing a bottle of pills never worked. Well luckily who was to greet me at the start of this weird journey than the Queen herself, Mother Mary. She was there to ease my mind it's where I was supposed to be, when I 1st visited the hospital. See I dreamt of her weeks prior, the same scene...her portrait behind the desk where u sit to give blood for testing at the hospital here in Tucson...still there today. Blood is very significant to the story too.

I have an amazing longterm memory I do remember my own birth (that's a good story too) My mind has a lot of knowledge to use but may be overloaded now as I've recently been having issues...Its why I write to get things down & vent. I've hit my head too much & 2 hits have me concerned so I'm trying to get it checked as well as everything else...but refferals for tests are a B** to get. However I should just set a day to spend a whole day at the hospital cuz I know it'll be forever in the waiting room.

I was diagnosed with "paranoid schizophrenia" w/ depression & anxiety, ptsd or conflict sensitive. A lot of fam has mental issues it seems. Think I'm the only one diagnosed with mental illness but the eldest 2 boys should definitely get tested out for it too if they haven't seen a doctor already. There's alot of resentment from my family toward my mother cuz of her behavior in the past. As a God fearing woman I know better & choose to Honor my mom the best of my ability even if our relationship is strained, I know it's not her fault & it's the devil's work. She like my siblings are equally messed up by how our parents raised us, it's an viscous cycle of torture that needs to end, there's no love coming from most family & it makes me sick, family is supposed to stick together but we were left in the dust cuz they don't wanna deal with her. I believe the evil one has a grasp on people in many different ways, whether it be mental illness or hatred he causes havoc in everything he can, has a grasp on the people of earth. But the Father controls the universe, our story is prewritten & is a domino effect. My deja vu I've theorized it's like a time lapse of some kind, parallel universes...I have seen my reflection move without me, hope to God I haven't lived it already over & over that would be hell to me 🫤 Although never a dull moment that's for sure, oh if I could do it all over again ..... idk if I'd want to lol.

Fighting me on stuff & won't listen, u have to have the patience of a saint. Doesn't like being proven wrong, very stubborn, mixed w/bipolar..gets angry. She keeps comparing me to my grandma. Think she's more mentally fked up than I am from her past too but I'm no psychologist. Luckily I raised myself to be better than that in this gen, self aware, I use logic & understanding but do stupid sh*t sometimes lol especially when in love...I wanna break the cycle cuz it's a complete sh*t show. I don't want to be held back & torn down by family again & again just seems like even she doesn't care about me either sometimes, & I'm right back to being a little girl & being screamed or cursed at constantly. How do u heal in that either, theres nowhere else to go..wonder why didnt I want to come back from Vegas. I'd rather be where the action & adventure is lol. Nobody gets me or nobody understands what I've been through and I really want to tell my story because I am always attacked by family and sometimes friends for being too much of this, or too much of that, always shut down or put down. I understand people's opinion but I don't really take opinions as fact, I take facts as facts and what I go through in my mind is facts I don't need someone to tell me that I'm crazy or "off my meds" when I do take meds everyday, because it's an insult to my intelligence. Ignorance is bliss I suppose.

And today I came to a starting discovery.

Seems I may need to check my mom for Alzheimer's/Dementia, think it's worse than I thought. She keeps having fits/episodes of memory loss & blaming me for things, thinks I touched her phone to change it to dark mode today but it's been that way for a month or so already & didn't believe me. Wanna snap her out of it somehow. It's not a gypsy rose situation exactly I actually care I'm just annoyed & trying to get along with her, we do most of the time & we just have eachother when everyone else has seem to be wrapped up in their own lives and more concerned about gossip & lies. She's just mentally ill, like me. And a recovering addict and it's not her fault but nobody's fault but we're still made out to be the bad guys in some way. Idc. I would rather heal and try to heal from my broken past and leave it behind me. God removes people from their life so that you can hear him better, & I'd rather that than straight negativity sent to just hurt me. The devil seems to hate my ass I swear

How to heal from the past when she won't give u room to breathe, thought i was making progress w/her, keeps buying cigs & soda everytime she has stamps or money & when she's out hits me up for money, I just got my 1st check & I'm trying to save, says I can say no but then bitches at me. I honestly don't understand her sometimes. And after the cigs are gone she's crankier which makes things worse. All the cigs she's had over maybe 2 yrs she could've had a car by now & I'm working my butt off for one, & all the food is eaten while I'm gone. Tried clensing the apt but just made her angry, mental illness or demons I can't tell sometimes.

I'm so tired I haven't slept after work yesterday & need it for brain function but I had 3 hrs to sleep b4 church this morning so decided to stay up ..idk how long I've been up actually my eyes hurt, Have 2 hopefully benign tumors in my head & she's stressing me the fk out. Church or sleep, was actually a good day. Was trying to recap to her on what I did today & I just got ready for church this morning, when did I have time to touch her phone? But doesn't listen at all & always threatens to kick me out when she's incapable of being her by herself anymore. And depending on an hour to the next day she fine again & tells me to ignore her. Fking crazy. I already have memory issues wtf happena when we both lose our damn minds. I have the choice between doing laundry to get tf outta here or watch the rewards show & rest my eyes...Bed looks good rn actually 🥱😴

[vilelittlecritter]

I'm looking to completely upgrade my pc when I get my job because for all intents and purposes it's kinda shit.

Don't get me wrong it gets the job done but it doesn't really run too well and I'm wanting to play higher end games.

But looking at this shit I'm realising I'm basically gunna have to replace EVERYTHING because my parents got me it not to be a good pc but more of a test the waters kind of deal.

I mean the good news is that the case is very spacious and the power supply is decent so I might not have to replace it, I'm pretty sure the pc was made specifically as an Introductory one that you could upgrade easily.

It's gunna cost alot but if I save up enough from working I think I could do it!

As much of a hassle this is I am kind of excited, I like taking initiative and doing stuff myself. And I fucking love putting shit together/building stuff. Genuinely I arguably like it more than art and that's saying alot, seriously best way to distract me is to put something I can pull apart and put back together again.

I fuckin love Legos and still do tbh.

But yeah rant aside I'm excited! Although I'm not excited for possibly having to set up my entire pc again...

I might not have to but considering I'm probably going to switch out the motherboard it seems likely.

Also I get that if I'm having to switch the motherboard I might aswell get a different pc but I got the pc this February and I really like the case so nah.

Also I like the idea of taking apart my pc and putting new shit in it, it's like a little project.

Alot of this is just wishful thinking and I do understand that this probs won't happen for a while because I still haven't heard back from my employer.

But hey I'm excited! And my pc is the most important thing I can think of rn that would be worth spending money on since I use it literally every day and use it for just about everything.

Other than my pc it's dumb shit like clothes, dumb trinkets and maybe like idk a new drawing tablet but I wouldn't say I need those the now. And as nice as they are u think my pc is more important.

Anyway sorry for rambling I've literally spent all of today and yesterday doing nothing but researching pc parts and whether or not they are compatible with eachother and my case.

christ I've not been drawing because I've been thinking so hard about this shit...

[ourmondobongo]

You know, as someone who absolutely adore Levihan's deep bond I'm so tired of logging in to diffrrent platsforms and seeing antis spreading lies about our ship. Like I'm so so sick of them claiming "Oh you levihands never consider Levi's cold answer to Hanji after they literally saved him" or "didn't you see how he rejected them in the forest? How do you call his 'unrequited love toward titans' line as a confession of love?" So much invalidating, so much hate. Almost feels like they don't have a life other than slandering what other ppl like. Sometimes this fandom makes me even more exhausted than I am by my daily life. Sorry if I sound like a pessimisst. Was just here to vent as I consider u as a logical person. Tc!

Hi!

Yeah, I feel you, ya know. So you can come vent when you need! I know how painful it's to see something you've loved for a long time is not simply badmouthed, but actively being used to "ship shaming" us.

Unfortunately, 99% of the time that LH is slandered it's not a matter of honest or sincere people (either shippers and neutrals) picking canon material and presenting another view that could not match what we have seen in the same canon material, or with the Japanese translation helpers (that we love). If it was with honesty reading, it wouldn't be slander at all, just a fair viewpoint shared to make people think, as everyone can do metas explaining viewpoint here and there.

But what seems to happen in the ship wars (that involve multiple Levi x whoever character ships, but NOT all shippers in them) is that 99% of the slandering over LH is done by the darker and loudest set of people within the multitude of Levi-X ships, and they are fueled by pure disgust, hate, and the simple evil intention to mock us to protect their ship. To do this, they purposefully pick the things that are special or fun to us, and twisted them in horrible ways that make us seem lunatic to the whole AOT fandom! And also, there are always some non-shippers that just hate AOT in general now, and they just like to increase the chaos between shippers because it seems fun as hell to them. (*sigh*)

Like, something pretty SIMPLE that caused an uproar of Levihan slandering: the mercha rings fun we had joking that Levi and Hange had married and all, playfully saying that they were canon, turned out a weapon in their hands to say we are "so obsessed and desperate to force they canon". And it escalated until they settled down after getting their own mercha promo where it shows Levi's and Erwin’s rings in the same hand of a person. And then they stated they were canon!

I laughed so hard because this part of the AOT fandom is crazy haha

We all know that merchandise is pure SHIP BAIT to attract money for their sales, so our plays and jokes and fun with them is supposed to be just this: WE ARE HAVING FUN! So why when it's the LHs enjoying these silly things, we are the crazy, the dummies, the stupids ones, but when other ships do it it's okay, and cute, and CANON proof? LOL

God, there are so many clowns in this fandom!! And as you said, they just like to heat things up because there is nothing else to do in their lives!

Now about canon stuff:

After seen so many attacks on social media these past months (I had no idea things were this bad), there was a time when I've even questioned myself if I was reading too much into Levi and Hans' bond. But I concluded that fuck it - if 10 years having each other's back through thick and thin and going through life and death situations doesn't make an amazing solid bond between people, nothing.else.does.

And about what you pointed out that this group of dishonest shippers claim: fuck it too LOL! Levi wasn't drawn saying a mere "thank you", but he said "I know you" and gave her all his support in her decision to go try to stop a planetary annihilation; and in the plane scene, Levi could barely walk properly and stand up but he still tried to stop Hans from marching to her certain death, and we saw the light dying out of his eyes when he had to let her go, and then he put his fist over her heart and for the first time in their life said, "Dedicate your heart".

Just remembering this is making my eyes watering already, but as if this isn't enough, Isym also showed Levi couldn't even look at Hans fighting the Colossals, nor her death, and in another display of a first time in Levi's life, he says a "Later" farewell and asks her to "keep watching." Then, while Levi is shown broken in chapters 133, 136, 139, Hans is suddenly shown beautifully drawn in precious panels in the 2 laters, especially in 136 where her face has a close-up, and she is alive and happy, lively inspiring Levi and the campfire group with dreams of a world free of horrors while being the focus of everyone's eyes! And from these memories with her and the others, Levi renewed his will to keep fighting amidst his horrible condition from these moments because if the world went to full hell, it wouldn't have been worth the heart she also devoted!!

So yeah - what is a simple "thank you" (and these whatever biased treatments that these share of troublemakers imagine) compared to all of this????

------

Now being more rational in this chaotic situation of ships in AOT:

Sorry if this will sound a bit of a down point, but for ALL shippers in this freaking fandom (me included), it's also important to remember that the core of AOT story is not to be a freaking shoujo manga.

In fact, nearly all canon romantic relationships had horrible nuances: Carla being eaten by Grisha's 1st wife, the girlfriend doing CPR in the body of her half-eaten boyfriend during Trost attack, Ymir being eaten by Galliard while Historia was forced to get pregnant, Ymir the Founder in love obsessed with King Fritz for 2000 years, Dina tortured and being turned into a titan in front of Grisha, Ksaver’s wife slitting her own son's throat and then killing herself, and Mikasa kissed the decapitated head of the love of her life after being forced to kill him bc he not only wanted to exterminate the Titans (freeing Ymir) but because he also wanted to flatten 100% of the Earth and let it full of carrion-fattened insects.

So if anything, Isym made sure to depict friendship and fellowship love as the best thing in life! Which, no matter what people say, the canon has enough material to at least prove this existed between ALL SC veteran members!

And lastly, a particular lesson I've learned being active in fandom these months is that moments of utmost frustration can make us feel things too deeply, and regret a lot of things later...

So, as we still have the freedom to see romance where we want, So let's just enjoy what we have healthfully, and keep dedicating our hearts to appreciate these characters that give us so much love in life!! Even though it cannot be screamed as canon (w/o slandering), Levihans can pick up its fair share of hints of beautiful, fun, and non-traumatizing tropes of romantic love from the main manga, anime, and side materials with heart at ease!

And sorry for the essay LOL

Dedicate your heart!

[foureoreos]

hey what do u use to draw? :) I wanna start drawing some fanart myself but I've only ever done traditional art + never digital art

Hi! Happy to answer! Just got off work so here I am!

I guess part of this also depends what kind of tools you're using to draw, especially since it's digital art.

Speaking from my experience:

Right now, I use an iPad Pro and the Apple pencil to draw because let me tell you, it's actually really nice. As for the program I use, I use Procreate. It costs some money but it's a really great program and I highly recommend it.

Before that I was using a regular stylus and the MediBang Paint program to draw. MediBang is free, which is awesome! And it kind of has a similar set up to Photoshop. Also, you can get MediBang on your computer, which is another nice feature because it lets you save your work to a "cloud" so you can jump between where you work on it.

Ex. I got MediBang on my iPad Mini and also had the program on my Mac so I would use my WACOM Tablet when I wanted to draw on the computer.

As for the stylus, if you're just starting out and don't want to spend too much, then starting with MediBang Paint is a good idea! It's a really nice app and really isn't bad. I'd also recommend getting a stylus that has palm resistance. For me, when I was using MediBang, I used a Bamboo Stylus. And yeah, MediBang lets you connect a stylus through Bluetooth so that your palm doesn't drag when you draw with your hand on the surface!

Other tips that I can give is that is also doesn't hurt to draw traditionally, take a photo of your sketch and then upload it to the app to draw over it. I started that way and slowly progressed from there since it took a while for me to get used to drawing freehand on the tablet.

If you have any more questions don't hesitate to ask! Hope this helps!

[yujachachacha]

HiHi! same anon who asked you about Yakkai hehe (how did you know my true intentions? jk!) Just to cut you some slack I did try googling it myself before asking again but all I got were results for knb character songs(?) and a bollywood film(???) Frankly, I really do want to know because I've heard the term used in passing. Particularly from reports about the 2nd live Kobe leg. I heard about people doing it in KoiAqua?? To the point where someone got strangled in the Korean LV?? Is it that bad??

Hey there! Not gonna lie, I’m still lowkey pouting in the corner because you did that, but I’m glad to see that you’re genuinely curious. Thanks for trying your best! (☞ >ω･)☞

I have no idea what schools are teaching y’all these days, but research doesn’t mean typing a single word into Google! Also, if you’re gonna look up a Japanese term, you’re not gonna get the right results if you type the word in English without any additional parameters. Here are three methods you should try using when Googling a Japanese term you don’t know:

1. Write it in Japanese, i.e. “やっかい”. The first Google result is in Japanese, but let’s assume that we’re not so good at reading Japanese (since if we were, we’d probably be able to figure out the meaning of “yakkai” pretty quickly), and skip over this one. The second result gives you a Wiktionary link, which is in English and perfect for our purposes. It defines the word 厄介 (yakkai) as “troublesome” or a “burden”. This is literally what “yakkai” means, but for the purposes of idol fan culture, we’ll be adding a bit more meaning to this.

2. If you’re doing your search in English, add the word “Japanese” to your search term. After all, if we’re not so good at reading Japanese, who’s to say that we’ll be able to type something in Japanese? Try Googling the phrase “yakkai japanese”. This guarantees that what you’re typing won’t be mistaken for a word from another language (which is why you got results for a Bollywood film). The Google results are almost the same as in method #1, except that there are a lot more links in English rather than Japanese. So in short, this is basically an alternative to the first method for those of you who can’t read Japanese so well.

3. Include context for your term, i.e. add things like “Love Live” and “idol”. We can now try to figure out what the word means in the context of the LL fandom by googling “yakkai love live”. A bunch of the image results are Bollywood-related (because of yakkai + love, lol), but the top two links give us threads from the /r/LoveLive subreddit. The very first link in particular, “Aqours 2nd Love Live Discussion [Kobe]”, actually contains exactly what we’re looking for.

If you use the “find” function (“ctrl + f”, or “cmd + f” if you’re on a Mac like me) and search for “yakkai”, you’ll eventually see that someone on this thread asked what people meant by yakkai calls in the discussion about the live. /u/MasterMirage himself (a mod of the LL subreddit and a member of Team ONIBE) gives a great explanation:

Um, so if you’re aware of the standard “Fu fu”, “fuwa fuwa” and “hai” chants, these are the standard go to chants to do at lives.

The Koi Aqua Yakkai (troublesome/burden) calls are out of place calls that you normally don’t do at lives since they interrupt the flow of the concert and are considered disruptive by many people.

I guess this video explains it pretty well since the calls here are what you should not do at a live:

https://twitter.com/dan_chii/status/882024909995556864

A common call “IE TAIGA” is something that people are getting annoyed at because people think it’s funny.

Sat from Fripside even called out on these alternative/disruptive calls:

https://twitter.com/Jsan_san/status/896918057397829634

I highly recommend you check out those Twitter links to give you a better understanding of what yakkai calls are (video in the first link) and why you shouldn’t be doing them (translated quote in the second link). For the first link, the yakkai isn’t too bad, at least until you get to the rap portion of the master mix at about 55 seconds in. But just imagine how annoying it would be if the fans were screaming that during a live rather than at a casual wota session at a convention. :’)

Also, I’m gonna go ahead and write down a part of the material in the second link here, because it’s really important:

“That part was made with the idea that the silence could be felt before the hook, you know? It has a purpose. I didn’t want [it] to be destroyed!”

Keep in mind that this was said by Satoshi of fripSide about his own song, while on stage during a concert tour. That’s how annoying these calls are. Instead of respecting the mood that the artists worked so hard to create for the song, yakkai concertgoers try to be as disruptive as possible for their own amusement.

So yeah, “ie taiga” (for those of you who aren’t familiar with this term, here’s my explanation from a previous ask) and similar calls/wota are the essence of yakkai. If you’re wondering why it enrages people so much, consider the following:

After spending a lot of money and praying to the gods for luck, a fan manages to score a seat at an Aqours live. At the concert, the fan is enjoying the fact that they’re listening to the Aqours seiyuu singing and dancing in front of them, live. Holy crap! :D But then comes along some asshole who thinks it’s funny to ruin the mood by screaming in the middle of a song. Opportunities to attend an Aqours live aren’t common, so it’s understandable that someone would end up getting very upset.

The same goes for a live viewing. A live viewing is an opportunity to see the seiyuu perform in real-time, and it’s a precious one at that. Footage shown at screenings differs slightly from the more polished versions we get in Blu-rays, so you get to see the raw performance at a viewing. Plus, you’re cheering and jumping and screaming along with the audience like you would at the actual live. “Ie taiga” distracts you from recreating the atmosphere of the performance, and is a huge sign of disrespect towards the other attendees.

Korean LL fans in particular have a deep-seated hatred for “ie taiga” (I’m not quite sure why it’s so intense - perhaps it has to do with the nature of the LLer culture over there?). For example, popular YouChika artist GamGam (@gamjolno on Twitter) has complained heavily about it happening during lives, and even resorted to plugging their ears at the pivotal moment in KoiAqua just to avoid hearing the phrase. As many Korean LLers were at a live viewing for the 2nd Live tour, the combined murderous rage they held for yakkai LLers exploded when they heard it actually happen during the screening.

Of course, I don’t approve of them trying to strangle (or physically harm in general) a yakkai LLer. What I will say, however, is that I can at least see why someone reacted that way.

If you need another example to understand why they went that far: I assume you’re familiar with “Snow halation”, and the famous part of the song where the µ’s members stand still before the audience cracks their UOs. There’s a brief moment, before Honoka’s emotional solo and the explosion of bright orange filling up the concert venue, where everything is silent save for the jingling of bells leading up to the climax (3:08~3:09). It’s a beautiful, almost holy silence, revered by many for this sacred and beloved performance.

Now, imagine if someone suddenly screamed “YEAH TIGERRRR!!!” right at that moment.

(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻

Understand now? It’s not funny. It’s not impressive. It’s downright infuriating.

First, yakkai LLers took away the enjoyment of the “I miss you~” You solo line in KoiAqua and the build-up to the chorus (see ~1:22 in this video for an audio demonstration). Then, someone decided to ruin the dramatic silence before the final chorus of “Aozora Jumping Heart” (~3:30 in the song). And now, there’s been reports of someone at the Saitama live screaming “IE TAIGAAA” right as the song slows down before the “la la la~” ending portion (~3:33 in the song).

I would hesitantly say that the “ie taiga” for KoiAqua is on the borderline of being tolerable. The song is full of chants anyway, and that part after You’s line does sound like it could accommodate some kind of call - but still, you should save it for a fan mix rather than a live. It’s the kind of thing that’ll make some people giggle at the weirdness, while others roll their eyes and mutter about the newest generation of LLers being yakkai af.

But for AoJump and MiraTicke, the yakkai incidents have been happening at solemn, quieter portions of the song rather than the cheerful and noisy sections. I have seen various posts by LLers claiming that they’re proud to “ie taiga” at a live as the ultimate expression of their wota skills, plus they’re doing it just for teh lulz. Again - it’s highly inappropriate, and disrespectful to both the audience members who are trying to enjoy the performance and the performers who are trying to make the performance enjoyable. If you want to prove that you’re a devoted LLer, your actions shouldn’t be damaging to the community.

To wrap things up: if you happen to search for “yakkai idol” instead, the first result that Google gives you is a blog post that talks about the concept of yakkai at idol events. The author includes some sound wisdom at the end:

What people really mean when they say “don’t be yakkai” is just that don’t go crazy and enjoy being annoying, and taking your entertainment at the cost of the enjoyment of others. Like, it’s fun to troll people, but that’s not good if the other party doesn’t enjoy it. It might be fun to go nuts, but don’t do it when it’s inappropriate.

Basically, it’s okay to go crazy during karaoke sessions or casual wota sessions with friends. Take that tweet in the first link from MasterMirage’s comment. I happen to know one of the people in that video, and he’s an awesome guy who knows a lot about concert calls. These wota bros were being “yakkai” for sure, but they were doing it at the Lumica booth at Anime Expo rather than a live. It was actually pretty amusing, and was almost like a free ad for the booth: “See these LLers partying with their lightsticks? You too can join in on the fun by purchasing a Lumica blade and/or UOs at this booth!” But for the sake of other fans, make sure you keep it clean during actual lives and public screenings.

tl;dr: “Yakkai” literally means “burdensome/troublesome”, and refers to antics of this nature by fans during performances. Notable examples include particularly annoying fans who scream “IE TAIGA” not only during KoiAqua, but also in highly inappropriate moments from other songs. Don’t be like this during a live unless you want to be heavily criticized for disrespecting the performers and lacking common decency for the people around you.

[vaporwavegirl]

2017 has been the craziest most emotionally damaging and most exhausting and weirdest year of my life. But through all have that I've met some amazing people and learned so much and grown up so much as a person I'm really started to learn about who really am and I've opened up and really matured alot this year. Started college and really starting to save up money and buying my own car and turning 18 and being given so much more freedom becoming so much more open and with my mother and forming such a close unbreakable bond with the women who adopted me and saved my life really was I was a baby. SHe and my father (who recently divorced) gave up alot to adopt me and my brother and raise us the best they could. We're not perfect and we definitely are difficult and mean and make stupid decisions sometimes but our parents despite going through alot them selves and our family struggling with alot of deaths and being broke and not having jobs for awhile have still done what they could to give us a good life. My mom is still there for me and is trying her hardest to take care of me and this year has been shitty but it has transformed me into an entirely new and happier and better person honestly. I've become much more spiritual and I'm so much I more in touch with myself .I'v been through alot but I wouldn't have it any other way it has been for the best. I have met so many of the most amazing people this year some of which were only in my life for a short time unfortunately. But I hope to keep in touch with these people and grow and thrive with them and I'm so happy I'm entering 2018 with some of the most amazing talented creative beautiful people I have ever have the pleasure of knowing in this life. This year is going to be about becoming an adult and making my way out of my mom's house and being on my own and figuring my future and my life out. I plan on moving across the country to the Washington /Oregon Seattle or forks or Portland or something because that's where i really feel like I belong and will thrive the most. I currently live in Alabama and there is nothing for me here except all the friends I've made. But I really feel like I want a fresh start somewhere completely new and amazing and meet many more new Amazing beautiful and live my life to the fullest. After Tonight I'm quitting all of my partying and drugs atleast until I get financially stable enough and atleast am moved out of my mom's house or am living on my own somewhere and I can afford to party and live my life a little so that will probably be when move to Seattle and weed and stuff is legal and it's more acceptable to be who I am up there. I'm quitting smoking weed for atleast like 2-3 months after today. Only reason I am not longer is because I smoke marijuana to medicate myself for my depression and anxiety and shit as opposed to prescription stuff because the stuff doctors give me just make me feel numb and not myself and I'm still low-key depressed. I'm only taking a break from weed to start saving up money and really try to focus and finding a place to move out to when I graduate around may and saving up to do so. Don't judge me but while I'm taking my few months off from smoking and I'm going to be selling a bit of bud to my close friends to make some extra money on the side because weed isn't quite legal here yet and it's a little difficult for my friends to get sometimes and it's going to help me out as a student who finds it hard to find a part time job that doesn't pay minimum wage (7.25 fuK THAT) and gives me decent hours it's always not enough hours for decent pay or they work me to FUCKING dEATH for shit pay and it stresses me out. I quit my recent job about a week and ago I'm started 2018 fresh with a new job starting pay a little above minimum wage at 8.50 an hour and after a few weeks I'll get a raise. They say I'll hopefully get decent hours like 25-35 a week and it's a small Japanese/ Asian/ pop culture shop owned by a Chinese lady that coincidentally has the same name as me and there's only like 3 other people that work there and they are all really cool good friends of mine that's I've met through cosplaying the past few years. So starting with a new hopefully better job. Starting off sober with my mind focussed on graduating cosmetology school and saving up money and working hard and getting my life together. The last thing I'll probably really spend money on and do for myself this year is Kami con at the end of this month. My family has helped get me different parts of my lapis lazuli (gem from Steven universe) cosplay for me as Christmas gifts and it is tradition that if at all possible I will do everything I can to attend each year and I have for the past 5 years and this year I will have my first legitimate good cosplay and I'm excited. But after that every bit of my money is to school tuition, helping my mom with the phone bill and our car insurance and groceries when she needs it and saving the rest for moving out and starting my future. When I move to Seattle and hopefully become successful enough? at cosmetology that I open my own salon that I'm hoping my unique edgy choice in hairstyles with be accepted and eventually apprentice as a tattoo artist and open a piercing/tattoo/body shop open up like with my salon that like a super weird dream of mine I had for awhile and honestly I'm probably not going to be good enough but I'm going work my ass off and be sober and focus on my future so I can reach my fullest potential I have been put through too much and made it way too far to not try and live my life to the best of my ability and do everything I can to really be happy and stable and eventually fall in love and maybe have a kid and honestly I truly believe I'm going to marry this boy that I've been on and off with since freshman year of highschool. We both lost out Virginity to each other after dating for the first like 6 months and that was the first time we dated which was almost 11 months after we broke up and went a little crazy and just kinda started dating random people not really for love just because I was so scared of being alone and I hated idea of it. So I just fucked around alot and never really had anything as serious as my dude (I don't wanna say his name but if u know me and ur reading this u probably already know who I'm talking anyways. We were distant and not even on speaking terms for maybe two years. After i grew up a bit and started actually making goals and becoming a young adult I contacted him and asked if he wanted to meet up and catch up on our lives and try to give being friends a shot. Its been maybe a little over a year since I had reached out and started talking to him again. We've tried dating again and we have been on an off since then and we both are young adults trying to figure out our lives and we are both struggling alot as far mental health because of the stress of having to grow up kinda and it just kept fucking up out relationship and my emotions were so all over the place and I was really struggling with trying to figure out what I need in life and how to be happy without have to rely on a relationship or drugs or material things. I had to learn how to enjoy the actual important things in my life like all the beautiful amazing people I've had the pleasure of knowing in this life and how to cut toxic people and thinks and places out of my life if it's affecting my mental health and over learned that it's ok to be sensitive and to want to take care of yourself and have a good mental health. I've learned how to just live in the moment and to surround myself with positive vibes and only be around good honest genuine people that actually care about me and want me to succeed. I want the people in my life now to be people that I know forever and people that are going to be there for me in future. Anyways Over those two years me and the boy didn't talk i never got over him matter how hard a tried and thought I was and that i could potentially be falling love with some one. I just cant. I am in love with him and always will be no matter what. If i still feel so happy and deeply in love with him after.he broke my heart and didn't talk to be for 2 years I know this man is meant to be apart my life forever weather it is as my lover or as one of my closest friends. We are soul mates and I know that I will absolutely love him completely and unconditonally for the rest of my life. Those two years when I wasn't with him kept failing my classes in high school freshman and sophomore and was extremely suicidal and didn't give and fuck about school and even went to the mental hospital for awhile towards the end of my sophomore year and at that point i literally thought I was so stupid and worthless and not even worth the effort of living and being such and disappointment to my family and my friends because I could pass one class in high school and I had given up. Until my counselor transferred me to a kind of alternative school that I could do everything at my own pace and only do the essentials and stuff I absolutely need to learn instead of busy work and stupid shit like public school. This place had no semesters or exams or grades. It has 4 different very well educated and super cool and awesome genuine teachers that actually care about helping you get the best education and they really do care about their students and they are so passionate about helping these kids actually learn and have an opportunity to have a future. Theres one teacher for each subject and 5 councilors that the 70-80 kids are divided between them and it was such an amazing really healing place and i met some really amazing people that year and learned alot about myself and started doing art therapy and I got my work done and realized I wasnt actually stupid like I had been so sure I was but I'm actually very intelligent I just have manic depression and severe social anxiety and I just needed to start working on myself and start making the effort to keep myself happy and actually work on my life and be the person I want to be. After that year during summer I made the decision not to go back to public school for what would have been my senior year so as soon as I was 17 I dropped out of high school and got my GED and I started cosmetology school at 17 years old before my graduating class even finished there senior year. My GED teacher was also a councilor and i became very close to her and she's honestly helped me make a future for myself and she supported me and saw how smart I was and she would help me no matter what and still to this day if in need to talk or need help with something i can call her and she will 100% help me because she is such a good and selfless and kind woman that genuinely cares about me and my future. It's rare that you meet teachers that actually help their kids . I honestly made the decision to do whats best for me and my mental health and i got my career and life started as early as I could because I'm determined to live my life to the best before I'm too old or die super young I'm some crazy way because honestly life is so short and way too short not to do everything u can to just really be the best you can be and enjoy life and do what makes u fuckin happy. So starting this year I am being sober so I can graduate school and work and save money and start my life as a young independent adult. My teenage years have been so wild and I've been through so much but it's I wouldn't trade these last few years. I've met so many kind beautiful amazing souls and I've learned so much about life and other people and relationships and I've learned about happiness within myself and I've learned alot about who I am and what it really want in life. I've learned alot about my mental illnesses and how to cope with them the best way possible for myself. I've had some of the best and most amazing adventures and i made so many amazing memories so despite the bullshit I've been through in my teenage years and all the stress of becoming a young adult in this super fucked up world we live in today I know that I have made it this far and I become stronger and better everyday and I'm thriving and finally getting where I want to be. I'm becoming more content with who I am and I'm learning to love myself and be who I am and I'm so happy with the person I becoming and I know I'm going to continue growing and thriving and becoming a beautiful and amazing person living the best life I can. This started out as a new years resolution post but im on alot of stuff right now and I felt like I needed to just write about stuff. Anyways. Happy new years yall here's to a fresh start and then beginning of my life as I figure out how to be my own person. 2018 is going to be so fucking good

[spreadplaylist]

SPREAD CH.4 ARTIST SPOTLIGHT INTERVIEW - TINA MATHIEU

This month's SPREAD Artist Spotlight is a dear friend of mine, Tina Mathieu. Let's get a closer look at her life and her music!

Tina: Hey there.. My name is Tina Mathieu. I’m a singer/songwriter based in Los Angeles. I moved out here by way of NYC, where I spent roughly 15 years writing and playing acoustic soul music. Within the past few months, I released my first indie r&b single and ran my very first official trail run... uphill - So i’m kinda feelin’ myself. ; )

Dan: Haha hi Tina! Those are definitely things to be proud of. I'm so excited you're our SPREAD featured artist this month! Diving right into your life and career a little more, how long have you been a songwriter/artist?

Tina: I started writing my own music after I stepped away from musical theater back in 2003. I was 22 with a broken heart and a cheap classical guitar. Typical story. I’d been writing poetry since I was a child - and somehow the ability to turn my words into melodies just clicked.

Dan: And when it clicks it's the best feeling ever. Since you have been writing for a while I am sure you have some sort of routine. Describe the place that makes you feel the most inspired creatively.

Tina: The mountains and the shower… recently I began trail running through the Santa Monica mountains. Moving through the open air, surrounded by 360’ of a world reminding me how small I am gives me major perspective - I become elevated in every way. I usually record voice memos while I hike and continue playing with those ideas once I’m home... washing all the dirt the off. The shower makes me feel like I can sing anything.

Dan: More power to you on trail running. I don't think that's something I could ever have the endurance to do! But if we're talking singing in the shower, I definitely feel like Beyoncé the moment I step in, even though I definitely don't sound like her...

Quickly moving on to get that image out of everyone's head...I know you are a very motivated and driven person. Do you have a personal mantra that helps you get through each day? If so, what is it?

Tina: These days when I feel like so much is out of my control, I like to stick with “One day at a time” and the serenity prayer... Accept the things I cannot change - the courage to change the things I can - and the wisdom to know the difference. Oh wisdom…

Dan: I've never actually heard that prayer. That's something I may have to adopt. I definitely use the day-at-a-time mantra or I tend to get overwhelmed.

So, now that you have released a new single, I know you are trying to get out and perform in LA a little more. Coming from experience I know that's a blessing and a curse. What do you think is a misconception people have about performing?

Tina: That bigger notes mean better singer. This is especially true in musical theater or televised singing competitions. I’ve had lots of internal struggles with this misconception. After dealing with vocal nodes, I had to start letting the strengths within my tone, emotion and storytelling depict my artistry - rather than belting my life away.

Dan: To be honest I think reality singing tv shows have done some hurt to singers because everyone watches them and then expects everyone to have a huge, belting voice. But we have to make room for the soothing, sultry vocals too. ;)

If you can pick, what song of yours are u most proud of? Why?

Tina: I’m super proud of two songs. ‘Downward Spiral’, my first single that I released, was a long time coming. I wrote it about 2 ½ years ago in NYC after dealing with some family turmoil. I’m proud of it because I actually followed through with it. I’ve written tons of songs and always found excuses to not finish them. When I released ‘Downward Spiral’ I felt ready. I had no excuses left.

I’m also very proud of the next song i’ll be releasing in October, ‘Ring Off’. Reliving the discovery of an affair is probably the most raw i’ve been in songwriting yet. It still hurts when i sing it and i think it makes people uncomfortable… which means I did my job.

Dan: I've heard both and I have to say they are both chilling. I don't even know if I could pick a favorite. And again, congrats on the new single!

I know that this journey is hard to follow through with sometimes, and its easy to get caught up. So throughout your years as a songwriter, who is one person in your life that has influenced and pushed you to be where you are now?

Tina: Influenced and pushed are two different things for me. I’ve had several artist and musician friends that have inspired me immensely. My family has always supported and believed in me. But as for pushing me to where I am now... I did that. Lots of people gave me advice and thought I was wasting my talent by not following through for so long, but I couldn’t do anything until I was ready - from the inside - an inner push that was long overdue.

Dan: I'm so happy to see that push now, because you're amazing! It's crazy how we can hear kind words and support from so many different people but we equally have to hear us say it to ourselves, too. With this unstoppable Tina, describe a typical day in your life. What are you doing? What do u enjoy the most about it?

Tina: I’m a mom - so everyday starts the same... I have to wake up way earlier than I prefer to blindly pour apple juice for a 4 year old dude. I also work in tv production so I’m often juggling a freelance lifestyle which allows me the opportunity to make music. I try to hike or trail run whenever I can squeeze it in. Also, Target. I’m mostly at Target.

Dan: Target always saves the day. Also, you are my hero. Now that we've seen a glimpse into your grind, and that you are not holding back in your music making any longer, what do u think is the biggest misconception people have about working in the music industry?

Tina: That you get discovered and industry people figure everything out for you and you just get to sing and make money. EASY. It couldn’t be more of the opposite. Being an artist is running a small business - the financial investment, the self promotion, understanding the convoluted money splits on the back end of a song... I mean you really have to love the ‘making music’ part of it.

Dan: You have to love it almost more than anything else. There's so much more behind the scenes that people do not think about. Being where you are today, and having just released an awesome single, if you could go back in time to the Tina Mathieu who just started out as a songwriter and artist, what is a piece of advice you would give her?

Tina: Be nice to yourself. It’s ok to tell people that you are a songwriter. You’re not a phony. And you don’t have to hide behind other people’s success… you deserve your own.

Dan: Preach, girl. Also discussing your day-to-day life, how do u manage a busy schedule and stress? How do you recharge when u need to?

Tina: I try to stay as organized as possible - Google docs run my life. Hiking and weed are my stress relievers. Often paired together. :)

Dan: We definitely need those stress relievers to get us through the business. Breaks away from the madness are so important.

A part of this business also includes of failed attempts or let-downs. I feel like they are so common you can easily lose track. Tell us about a time that you feel like you failed musically. How did u overcome this?

Tina: When I found out I was pregnant, I felt like I completely failed musically. I had yet to put out a single, yet to release an EP… and to be honest, I thought that being a mom meant that I had run out of time. I wrote a depressing song that day (that no one has ever heard) and decided to accept my failure as an artist. Luckily, being a songwriter is simply a part of me that won’t go away. It took a few years to start finding my way again - but I’m actually better than I was before and now I have someone very special to impress.

Dan: You are a natural songwriter. I don't think it could go away if you tried to make it! I am really touched by your answer, and I can't help but be grateful for all the badass moms we see in the industry that are killing it. Ya know, Pink, Beyoncé, Adele to name a few... It gives me hope that other moms will be inspired to keep going; that they're not done after having a kid. And I'll be the one to say I am SO glad you didn't give up. We desperately need your music in the world. Also...your kid is ridiculously cute I can't handle it. He'll always be your number one fan!

What is a defining moment of your career and how has it affected your life since?

Tina: Releasing ‘Downward Spiral’ is the most defining moment so far. When I teamed up with the Los Angeles Songwriters Collective for their 2nd EP, I committed to myself that it was time follow through. The past few months have been non-stop songwriting, studio time, gigs, co-write sessions, networking and supporting new artist friends. Making that one commitment changed everything for me.

Dan: I have such a big smile on my face. The gears are turning and there's no stopping now!

Looking to your inspiratioins, tell us about an artist/songwriter who inspires u. What would you like to emulate in your own artistry?

Tina: Erykah Badu is my all time favorite artist. Unique in every way. Her voice, words, melodic decisions, storytelling... honest & confident.

“She’s Clever.”

John Mayer is my favorite lyricist - I try to learn a lot from the honesty and details in his poetry. I may or may not have a lyric tattooed around my wrist. (Shhh.. I’m a fangirl!)

I’m not looking to emulate them but rather let what I love in these artists innately come through me - kinda like osmosis.

Dan: You said something SO important right there. I think up and coming artists struggle a lot when they're first releasing music. They listen to their favorite artists and then try to sound like them, but the key is letting what you love about them show in your own way! Ah, I could scream! Nail on the damn head.

So what artist/album/song have u had on repeat lately?

Tina: 90’s male R&B slow jam Playlist - Ginuwine, Dru Hill, 112, etc..

Julia Michaels - She is an effortless genius.

Kehlani - Obsessed with her.

Fiona Apple, Tidal - because her words never go out of style (and I still need a dictionary to get through some songs...)

Dan: What a good ass mix! If people reading this have not checked those artists out, GO! Some of them have been featured on SPREAD before... ;)

Laaaaaast but not least at all, how can we check out ur music and stay up to date with ur releases/posts? Anything we should especially be on the lookout for? ;)

Tina: I’m mostly active on Instagram - @tinamathieumusic. You can listen to ‘Downward Spiral’ on SPREAD CH. 4 - Feels and also stream or download it anywhere music exists. I have a few LA gigs lined up for Sept / Oct, which I’ll be announcing soon - and my newest single, ‘Ring Off’ will be available this fall.

Dan: Y'all heard it from Tina herself! If u haven't already, go check out her new single, 'Downward Spiral' on SPREAD CH.4 and go follow her! LA people, make sure u go see her live to because her music and her voice slays. Thanks again, Tina, for being SPREAD CH.4's featured artist. I'm super excited to see where this next year takes u! :)

-----------------------------------

Thank you everyone for joining us for this month's SPREAD Artist Spotlight! I hope you have let out all the FEELS u can before Friday because a whole new playlist is coming! And it's gonna end with a bang 🎊