#i've only made just enough money to pay my dad rent and other bills and i'm running out

[wildermouse]

vent.

[he13na]

help me move out of my controlling parents' house

hi, everyone. i'm a 29 year old autistic woman and i need help moving out of my toxic parent's household in order to live a normal and healthy life. in no way am i intellectually impaired, my mother uses my neurodivergence to infantilize me. she has always been controlling, but her grip is tightening and the demands she's placing on me are unreasonable. not only that, but she's violating my boundaries by telling her customers at work my personal business and seeking their opinions on what i should and shouldn't be allowed to do. i'm having to lie about going on dates with my friend who's also a love interest because she doesn't want me to have a boyfriend. she literally sat down next to me and made me friendzone him over instagram DMs so she would be more comfortable about a day trip we were planning, even though that was a lie and i have romantic feelings.

she's forcing purity culture on me, an adult woman, and making it so that i have no choice but to maintain my virginity with threats and a bizarre obsession with it, telling me not to be "giving anything away" when i'm just going out for coffee or a picnic, i'm having to lie about where i am because she'll cause trouble even though i'm not doing anything wrong, she's accusing me of being "up to something" and it's uncomfortable around the house when she tells me i'm being too quiet and i've "changed". i haven't "changed", and i just think she's afraid of losing control over me, so she's treating me like a teenager. she keeps demanding info about my dates with the same person, where i'll be, what time, what i'm wearing and getting too involved, then proceeding to guilt me into not engaging in any kind of sexual activity when that's not even on the table and i'm terrified of losing my virginity because of the consequences should she find out (and she will in one way or another). i don't have agency over that and it's not a choice i "get" to make, and i'm scared that if that moment comes, it's not going to be about me or my partner. it's going to be about her and the guilt and fear i've been conditioned with, and paranoia. i'm not allowed to go to another adult man's house unless his mother is home. these rules are reasonable for an adolescent or a high schooler, but this is just ridiculous and she insists i need to be chaperoned on dates. i'm not allowed to go out at night, even though i'll be with an absolute sunshine of a guy who promised to protect me and i can trust. my mother is getting other people involved in my love life and i'm living on eggshells, finding that i have to hide parts of myself and my identity because she's blowing everything out of proportion and criticizing my fashion choices and what i can/can't wear.

earlier this summer, she had her coworker besties and familiar customers weigh in on whether or not i should be "allowed" to go to the beach with my friend and she put a tracker on my phone. at 29 years old. i became so ill with severe anxiety that i lost weight, fell into depression, felt nauseous and developed a habit of shaking when i'm nervous.

i don't have any other friends or family to live with (he lives with his parents too and is also ND) and she's holding money over my head to keep me indebted. i owe her $3500 for helping me fix my car because i accidentally dented it getting too close to our gate trying to make room in the driveway for my dad's car and she wouldn't let me park in the garage, aka what it's there for. she charges me $500 rent per month and on top of my phone and car insurance bill, i have nothing left to give her or save to pay her back.

i'll never be able to move out with this financial obligation or even save up, and i really need help because this is unhealthy and her imposed rules, spreading my personal business, disrespect and exertion of control and manipulation over me is escalating. i have a job and it's not enough, barely covers my bills and rent. please help me because i'm beginning to feel like there's no way out and i need to get free. if you have some extra money to spare and you're feeling kind enough to help me, my paypal is:

thank you so much, and please spread this so that others may see it and help me. <3

[rjalker]

February 12th 2023: don't donate until this part is removed! someone stole my fucking wallet.

I'm making this my pinned post because I am tired of suffering.

Here's the link to my actual About post. Read it if you're going to follow me, it has my DNI as well as tags I use for things so you can blacklist them if you want/need to.

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Hi I'm fucking too disabled to work but have to get a fucking lawyer to get fucking disability SSI from the stupid fucking government because it's literally designed to make people give up before they get their gods damned money.

I literally don't even eat even a single meal each day.

I'm also trans and would like to fucking medically transition someday but at this point I've just fucking give up that hope because I will literally never be able to afford it unless capitalism gets smashed tomorrow. in which case none of this matters, but that's not going to happen because that's not how revolution works so fucking anyways

also we're out of ibuprophen and I have fucking menstrual cramps right and yeah I should probably get fucking tested for endomitroiosis or whatever the fuck it's called but you know what else I don't have? Health insurance. Because I'm too disabled to work, and even if I could work literlaly no one will give me a full time job that wouldn't literaly just end up killing me.

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Here's the gofundme link.

My paypal, venmo, and cashapp are all "Rjalker".

Here's the link to my redbubble store if you'd rather buy something.

You can also tip me through tumblr.

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I have the Redbubble prices set so that when you buy a product I actually get a decent cut instead of $2 max. If you buy a pin, for example, I get $9.

My paypal icon is the same flower design as my tumblr icon. I don't think cashapp and venmo have icons but if they do I'll make sure they're the same too.

Check out and request more pronoun pins on my sideblog @custom-pronoun-pins

This post is being made November 30th 2022 but unless they suddenly invent No Longer Disabled pills it's just not going to have a fucking "this is no longer relevant" date because this shit isn't going to get better.

Here's what your money will be going towards if you donate:

rent, $500 a month for my half

phone bill, $35 a month

water bill, around $35 a month

internet bill , $45 a month

cat food, cat litter, and vet visits

groceries

clothes

fixing the washer or just buying a new one

fixing the dryer or just buying a new one

all the fantasy and scifi books I'm going to write that I will literally be giving away for free because if it's not clear enough yet I fucking hate capitalism. You will be able to download the books for free endlessly and the only time you'll have to pay money is for the cost of the materials to make the physical book.

we literally have not had a functional washer or dryer for the last like five fucking years in a row. All our clothes have to be washed in the fucking tub and then hung up in front of a fan to dry, or put in the fucking pop-up air dryer we found that takes for fucking ever and can't hold more than a few things before it stops working almost entirely.

I'm making this my pinned post because I'm tired of suffering. I'll fucking put the other one back when capitalism ends or I get the fucking disability SSI I literally would have been getting from birth except for the fucking idiot in the government who decided to fucking remove us from the fucking disability list when we turned eighteen when they took us off the fucking survivor's benefits of our fucking dad dying.

No I am not fucking joking. My twin and I were literally born four months early. We were literally guaranteed disability SSI from the moment we were born because of all the shit that went wrong and the fact that both of us were blatantly fucking autistic and had dyslexia and all this other shit.

And some fucking government worker fucked up when we turned eighteen and not only took us off the fucking survivor's benefits SSI, which overrode the disability SSI, but also fucking took us off the list for the disabled SSI.

Literally assigned abled at eighteen.

And I still haven't even fucking been diagnosed with anything for my physical disability because again! No health insurance! Because I can't work! Because I'm disabled! And since I can't work I can't get my disability diagnosed! Which means I can't get accommodations! It's literally a fucking endless cycle that will only stop if I or capitalism die!!!

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Update 12/11/22: The water bill for November has been paid! Thank you!

[gay-kurapika]

Whatever, under the read more I'm going to talk vaguely about my emotional abuse. This is more of a vent and I'm not going to tag it.

It took place over a long period of time, about two years, but I was literally a different person before I met Jayne. Nothing I ever did was good enough or even good at all for her, and I'm convinced that she thought anyone who wasn't literally exactly like her was wrong and bad. One of the things she drilled in my head, literally in these words, is that she was the best friend I was ever going to have, and that I didn't deserve her. She convinced me of this. She told me that I was awful, that my friends, family, girlfriend, and coworkers only liked me because I was lying to them and if they knew what I was really like they would never talk to me. I mentioned my dad and I didnt really get along and that he had been abusive when I was a child and she convinced me to stop talking to everyone in my family for over a year. She wanted me to break up with my girlfriend. She said my friends weren't real because we only spoke online, so I left the discord server and I've literally never rejoined it. I was cut off and only had her and she did this on fucking purpose!!!

I was constantly losing weight, partially because of my addiction, but largely because I literally couldn't afford to buy food because she was financially starving me. If I bought groceries that I would be likely to eat, she ate all my stuff before moving to her stuff. She didn't pay rent on time ever, and for several months didn't pay at all, so I was paycheck to paycheck covering the $1600 a month myself on fucking fast food wages, $14 an hour, and all the bills. I couldn't afford more food after she ate mine and she knew it. I even once went to the food bank and she ate everything I brought back from there too, and you only get one visit per month. I weighed like 90 lbs at this point.

I was not a tidy person at all and I admit that but she told me I didn't deserve my cat if I couldn't clean the litter box, and she constantly called me disgusting, to the point that I internalized that and just genuinely believed I was a disgusting irredeemable person.

And the worst fucking part is that I should have seen it coming. There were red flags everywhere. She was only moving in with me because her ex girlfriend had filed a restraining order against her because she wouldn't fucking leave her house. She told me her ex girlfriend had been abusing her and what a fucking lie that was. I believed it because I had no reason not to, but I learned afterwards her ex was a disabled woman who had been completely financially supporting Jayne for YEARS while Jayne didn't work at all and sat around the house drinking and smoking. Seriously this woman had a fucking chronic pain condition and she was the breadwinner while Jayne did nothing, no fucking wonder she got sick of her. And the restraining order that Nicole got against Jayne was because Jayne had physically assaulted her! She had a criminal record for assault and disorderly conduct and she didn't fucking tell me! I should have done a fucking background check.

She committed fraud in my name and didn't tell me about it. Literally forged letters and my signature to get "rent" money during covid from the government, except she literally didn't pay rent with that money, she kept it, and I just had to pay taxes on it. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!

And she was constantly belittling me for my view on like humanity and life and she wanted me to change it so bad but fuck her, because I will never become the selfish disgusting bitter old hag that she was. I truly believe that most people are good and want to make the world a better place, that the core nature of humanity is to form communities and help each other. She thought humanity was inherently evil and that only animals are innocent. We had multiple arguments about how she thought every animal deserved life and all humans should die and that made me so fucking mad, how fucking disgusting and selfish and privileged do you have to be to say that? You a fucking white American think all humans should die and that would make the planet better? Oh except you right? Fuck you, sitting here in your comfortable life and saying everyone else should suffer but dogs should live or whatever. God I hated her so much for that I wish I had said it to her face that she was a disgusting selfish person.

And one other thing I wish I'd told her was how much I truly fucking hated her dog. I pretended to like him because she was obsessed with him but that dog was NOT FUCKING TRAINED IN ANY GODDAMN WAY!!! It was so codependent that if she left the house without it it would whine loudly THE ENTIRE TIME! Even if she was gone for 10 hours it would not stop for longer than a few minutes I swear! It barked at everyone who came to the door. It wasn't house trained and when I stopped coming home on my 30 minute lunches to walk it she let it pee on the fucking carpet instead of paying a dog walker $5 a day to just take it out. God that animal was unable to function how it should, it really needed a far better owner than her.

She suicide baited me and she would argue that that's not what it was but it absolutely was. You cannot repeatedly say to someone "I'm going to come home one day and you're going to be dead," and not call that fucking suicide baiting.

And i hate that she took advantage of my kindness and faith in humanity to do all this. She told me she was bpd and I know how stigmatized that disorder is so I wanted to just believe her that her ex was lying and she wasn't an abuser, but she fucking was. It had nothing to do with being bpd, she was just a terrible selfish person, and she used that as a shield to claim she was misunderstood. This bitch knew exactly what she was doing.

Also, I take responsibility for my own relapse into addiction because ultimately I do not have to drink and I'm the one in control over that, but she absolutely manipulated me into getting worse. Every time I tried to quit again she would buy me liquor as a "treat" very clearly hoping I would forget she owed me fucking rent. I was a lot easier to manipulate if I wasn't sober. And I greatly resent her demonizing me for my addiction so often when she literally drank every single day after she took her fucking meds and then DROVE TO WORK! She was worse than me! The night she called the cops on me for literally pushing her away from me after she had screamed at me for 4 hours straight and suicide baited me and thrown dishes and yelled at me as I cleaned up the glass from the floor, she had in fact already drank an entire bottle of tequila and had opened a new one. That is not an exaggeration. The only reason I got arrested is because i didn't tell the cops the entire story, I didn't tell them everything before I pushed her, and I should have. I should have watched them drag her out of the room drunk off her ass in handcuffs.

[hastings727]

Existential nostalgia

I'd like to get over being nostalgic, please.

I struggle to keep things out of my thoughts, I always have. My former therapist told me it was due to OCD. I don't know if shes right, but I exist this way.

And especially on days off from work, when the house is empty and its just me and the pets, I feel so utterly alone. My kids are school, my wife at work. Here I sit, unable to do anything besides sit on my computer. The tv in our living room is half broken, and the couch is disgusting and needs to be replaced (we finally ordered a new one). So I feel shackled to this desk, to the internet. I'd like nothing more than to go to other spaces in my house, in the area, to do things. But even when I feel well, I'll just sit here most days. Am I addicted to the internet? For literal years, since 06! I have been an internet nerd. But now that I'm older, I just feel anxious everytime I go on it. My eyes hurt, my neck hurts. I've done the correct things, better posture, resting my eyes. It doesn't work. Because I need new glasses. My anxiety doesn't go away because I need medical intervention for it, at this point. I've lived with it all my life, along with any potential AUDHD symptoms that not even my former therapist would nail down.

I honestly just want to live. I'm so tired of being on the edges. I'm so tired of going to take a shower and finding out my apartment complex is "fixing the plumbing" for the upteenth time without notifying us. My neck is killing me because I slept wrong. And our mattress is easily 2-3 years old, and we can't afford to replace it. My GERD is flairing up again and I had to wait until today to buy prilosec because money issues. Even if I worked full time, it would amount to a pittance compared to our bills. I appreciate my family paying our rent, but even with that, we're struggling. I haven't had a medical check up since I was in high school, not to mention zero dental check ups either. I never learned how to sign up for this stuff, so even when I had insurance available, I never did it. I'd just forget it, tbh.

I'm glad I started community college, I'm glad I took these videography classes. I've made things that I'm proud of, and I'm excited to make even more stuff. It's never too late, but good god does it feel like it is. The world feels like its ending every few days, prices of everything constantly growing and growing as wages keep staying the same.

I can't go back 10, 20 years ago and do all the correct things I was supposed to do. I should have tried in school, I should have taken the SAT, I should have gone to community college. I didn't know how to do those things, and my mother and stepdads failing marriage meant that I had zero help while they squabbled. Years later my mother blames me for those failures instead of herself. Maybe she has a point, I was 18, I was an "adult". But instead of helping me with those problems, as soon as I didn't find a job or go to school, I was sent down to Florida to live with my dad. I had spent my entire life in Pittsburgh PA only for her to shunt me down to my dad. Once I was 18, the child support payments were gone. So I guess I was just a money-sucking vacuum to her.

Whats all this sad personal stuff got to do with existential nostalgia? Because on days like this I end up thinking about the past. I think about how I wish I could go back and make the *right* decisions. I watch old stuff, I watch recaps of decades, I look at old pictures and feel sad. Which is okay! If it wasn't a habit. If it didn't occupy my thoughts constantly, especially when i feel pretty bad.

Not only all that, but I feel *guilt* for doing so. I have some of the worst FOMO about so many things. I am constantly trying to keep up with new releases on things I like, and I feel guilty when I forget about an artist I like, I feel guilty when I started rationing out my social media time, I feel guilty for not paying *enough attention* to things. Those thoughts are the worst, it fuels my anxiety and makes me feel so awful, but I can't get them to leave.

I just want to be happy. But my own failures in the past and present are hampering my future, along with the state of the world.

[popowerst]

What am I celebrating on Father's Day?

Thanks for covering some of my living expenses while I lived with you.

Thanks for making sure I always had something to eat and clean water to drink.

Thanks for providing a room for me in your home.

Thanks for the the anxiety and depression.

Thanks for what is probably ADHD. Thanks for telling me you suspected you had it too, but only when it got so bad I started talking to my doctor about it. I was 25 years old.

Thanks for the child abuse. Thanks for hitting me, locking me out of the house, and throwing my books at me. Thanks for throwing open my door and screaming at me at random times of the day any time to scare me.

Thanks for being emotionally unavailable. Whenever Mom and I would get into an argument, she would always threaten me "just wait until you dad gets home." Not because you would mediate between the two of us, find common ground, and help us reach a compromise. No. You would come into my room, tell me to stop arguing with my mother, she's right and I'm the kid so I need to listen to her, you would ground me for weeks for having an argument in the first place.

By the way, thanks for pushing me so hard academically. I did really well in school, so it'll be funny if I find out I really did have ADHD all this time. You used to ground me if I left the honor roll list, or brought home so much as a C average in any class until around my Junior year of high school or so. I love when y'all were still treating me like I didn't understand anything when I started taking college-level courses in 10th grade. Somehow I was able to keep a part-time job- because I had to in order to pay my bills- and take 6 AP classes my senior year and still managed to stay on honor roll. Were you proud of me? You certainly didn't show it if you were. At least you came to graduation? You are the participation award of fathers.

You never even wanted to participate in my hobbies. My very few extracurriculars. I could probably count on one hand the number of plays you came to see. You didn't care- you weren't interested. It had nothing to do with supporting me, it would be boring to you so you wouldn't go.

Thanks for making me stay as quiet as possible while at home. Couldn't even practice my recorder in elementary school because it was "too loud." Yet you would watch movies in the living room with the bass booming.

Thank you for making me start working during the summer when I was in high school. I really appreciate the leg up it gave me work-ethic wise over my peers, and who wouldn't want a part-time job at a pizza place? What I didn't like was how you both then started pushing bills on to me when I should've been saving for college- which you never helped with. Picking up something like my phone bill was fine and a good way to teach responsible money habits.

But then you started charging me rent. A third of the total house expenses as a matter of fact. $500 a month, for: one 10 x 10 bedroom, right next to yours, that I was constantly berated for being too loud in, with a shared bathroom. The living room was for you guys. The other two bedrooms and the converted garage connected to the laundry room with the half bath were all used for storage, because you and Mom are both hoarders. You also put me in charge of my own food purchases, to be kept in a mini fridge in my bedroom. There was no room in the fridge or freezer- you keep it loaded with junk. I also had limited kitchen access, not that I knew how to cook anyway. Thank God I had been staying at my girlfriend's place and her mom took pity on me- she allowed me to store frozen foods in their freezer, where they somehow made enough space for me to keep a few things, despite having twice as many people in the house. They also helped me afford a car. And a lot of other important things. I married her daughter. It ended up being one of the best decisions I've ever made.

I am not a materialistic person, so I don't hold this as much against you as much I am just generally appreciative of them, but you weren't financially prepared to raise a child, were you? There were no savings. No help. I was supposed to go out into the world and start from scratch at the age of 17. Full time job and full time student balanced right out of high school. That's cool and all. But that doesn't strike me as something a loving, caring, thoughtful father would do. No, you opened up a joint account with your crusty bank because I almost traveled across the country to go to college, and when I was out of town and the rent was due, you sent me a text saying you knew I could pay it because you checked my account and I had enough. You transferred the money without asking when I was hundreds of miles from home, and all I can say is I'm grateful my best friend's parents were generous and kind to me, because I'm not sure how I would've gotten food that week without them.

I think about you a lot. I want to forgive you. I'm sure you feel these emotions too. You don't understand how to express them. Your generation looked down upon people who need therapy. I know you have unresolved trauma that nobody else knows about but mom and my grandmother. I know your dad left you at a young age. He's shitty and I know life was harder for you as a result. Honestly sometimes seeing how he turned out makes me wonder whether that was for better or worse. The boyfriend that came after him was pretty bad too. From what I've heard, he was just straight up abusive and I can only imagine the effect that had on you. Either way you deserved to have a father figure. Is it selfish for me to say that?

Thanks for keeping my sister a secret from me for years. I still don't know her name. Maybe I'll meet her someday. Mom was the one that ended up telling me about her- I think she still resents that you gave another woman a child years before her, doubly so because of the following miscarriages. Good on you for paying child support. However, this is where I really get upset.

Did you really not have enough self awareness to realize the damage that you can cause by putting a woman and a child in that kind of position? I would think that you, out of all people, would understand the kinds of difficulties that a father walking out of a family would cause. You idiot. Are you absolutely clueless? How could you live your whole life, feel all the ways that you do, meet a woman, get her pregnant, and think that the right role model to follow in this instance was your father? Did you learn nothing?

But coming at you from this angle won't help at all. This would just make you upset. You shut down, stop listening. You want the patience that you never gave.

I think that you once thought I hated you or that I wanted you dead. That's not true. I love you. Deep down I want to have a relationship with you. I mourn the lack of connection and that's why it's so sour when I see you for a couple of hours every few months. Seeing you is like seeing a grumpy old friend. You don't text, you don't call. You do not know how to make someone feel loved. You never learned that skill.

It's agonizing to have to sit and pretend that everything is okay. It's very damaging to my mental health. But how do I even begin to talk about any of this with you? Again you have no communication skills. I have just begun to develop my own, and I had to do it independently of you. Unfortunately Mom didn't help much either. She's another story entirely.

I feel guilty that I even have these feelings about you. Some people don't even know their dads. A lot of people have it way worse than me. I'm just complaining. But I deserve to complain every once in a while.

I don't know where to go from here. Every time I see you, I have to look you in the eye and act like everything is okay. I keep hoping one of these days I'll get a call from you. A text message. Maybe you'll find my email address somewhere. I want you to open up this conversation. I don't know how to bring it up. Maybe I'll figure it out in therapy. Haven't told y'all that I mostly talk about you when I go.

I remember when I told you I started going. The only thing you said was "therapy's really expensive." And you're right, it is. But this cycle of generational trauma stops with me. You always told me I knew better, that I was too smart to be lazy and I wasn't applying myself. Well here you go. I used my resources to figure out why all the men in my family are awful people, develop the skills necessary to balance those weaknesses, and lay plans for the future that include financial stability, effective communication, mutual respect, and loving my family so much that nobody can deny it.

If you get your act together, I might let you meet your grandkids. Happy Father's Day.

[wulffridge]

Hey there, it's me, ya boi, needing some help.

There's so many please help posts that I see circulating around that I'm sure this will be buried, but I'm going to try anyways. Shits been rough and my family has definitely been going through it, to the point we describe life in 2 ways; the world's 2020, and our own personal 2020.

Back in July, my dad had a massive stroke during what we thought would be a routine surgery. Thankfully, I was working and my brother had just received unemployment back pay, so we could be stable for a couple months while mom visited him in the hospital and routinely had to miss work.

Dads alive, he made it over the hurdles thrown at him at every turn, but he made it, even though now he's making it sound like he wishes he didn't. We're finally seeing some returns from his forced medical retirement, about 6 years before he was set to retire in the first place, and mom's back to work full time as a cancer care nurse. But even with this we're struggling a lot.

All my jobs have been seasonal, the one I was working when he had his stroke has ended, and I've worked another since then, which also ended. Now I'm working at a moving company and while it's a job, it's horribly managed with a rampant alcohol problem. Not to mention grueling labor and long hours with very little safety oversight; I've already been injured with more underlying damage that has been making itself known recently, particularly my shoulder. I'm not staying, and I put in my resignation, and I have found another job. But it hasn't started yet and things are piling as the job which I have another week working at slashed my hours for "not being tough enough to stick around".

I thought I could make the bills until I started my new job but it's not happening. Because during all of this, our family cat went into chemo treatment, which I was helping pay for (1,500 from me, 5k altogether), and as of 2 days ago, he tragically surcame to his illness, passing peacefully in his sleep. I had to leave a job site because I got the call from my brother while I was working.

We loved this cat dearly. He was such a bright light for us during all that was happening in the world and with our dad. A spunky tabby named C.T, which technically stood for Carrot Top, but we all said it was for Cat Trouble. He was more dog then cat and would yell at us for attention and ram his head into dad's beard. Very much living up to that "all orange cats are himbos" meme. He was only 8. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that he's gone. We all thought he'd pull through.

Bills still need to be payed, and rent still needs to be turned in by middle of this month. Not to mention other expenses I've been neglecting in favor of paying for cat treatment and rent.

I'm asking for anyone to donate to my PayPal if they wish to help. And to reblog if they can't. All money is going to bills and paying off the vet, any left over going into gas and paying copays.

TL; DR My dad had a stroke in July and we've been managing to scrape enough together since then, but our family cat needed expensive chemo, but unfortunately died from his illness 2 days ago. I'm needing money to pay vet and medical bills while I'm basically between jobs.

Please reblog if you can. Heres a picture of our sweet Orange.

All together I'm trying to raise 2,800$. If I somehow get more then that it will go directly to my mom to help take some weight off her shoulders. But literally any amount will help, seeing as how reaching this amount will be nearly impossible.

Cost break down is this:

550 Rent

1000 Vet

200 Car Payments (both car and insurance)

200 Health Insurance

150 Gas (I travel 42 miles each way for work, about 40$ to fill up at current [rising] prices, every 2-3 travel days)

700 Bills, Appointments, Medicines, future 2021 bullshittery

[belovvved]

!!Emergency!! Unsafe Housing Situation/No Transportation!!!!Help a Non-Binary Artist achieve relative comfort!!!

I wish that none of this was real, and that I don't need help. I don't even know where to begin. But I'm trying to open up, I can't keep trying to do everything alone.

PLEASE BOOST... if you cannot donate or help me find resources in my city (San Antonio, Texas)

CASHAPP: $citrinebat ZELLE: freedumb210@gmail.com

Any advice or resources will be much appreciated.

I grew up never speaking out because I would always get silenced, my parents are good at manipulating others to believe that they are decent people. I am not welcomed or safe at home.

Basically, I was born to two teenage parents that weren't ready to have children or mature enough to be with each other.

I grew up seeing my mom get abused by my dad verbally, physically, and emotionally. I would always stick up for her, and so the relationship between my father and I has never existed... In fact he hates me for being outspoken, and protective. My mother takes out her stress and abuse on me too. She's tried drowning me when I was 8 and I found out later from my aunt. My mother has Stockholm syndrome, she even went so far as to take a felony for him and has not had a job in years.

It has been my whole life, and I'm the oldest out of 5 including myself. Many times I've tried helping my mom, only to have her hurt me again in some sort of way- by going back to my dad, borrowing money, gambling, drinking etc. She never admits her faults, and plays victim which is something I am not trying to do.

I still cannot believe that this is what has become of the family I romanticized. I've discovered that my parents, and brother are severely mentally ill- my parents take prescription pills that aren't theirs... some of which I do not know completely. My brother has become psychotic and has black-out rages where he hurts someone in the family or breaks things around the house.

In the past I always had to lean on other relatives (now passed) for support or past partners- (which I do not want to do anymore).

I left as soon as I graduated from school in 2018 (Summa Cum Laude). I wanted to pursue going to art school or architecture. But I couldn't due to the fact that my dad sold drugs and his taxes weren't accepted in FASFA. I had to wait until I turn 21 to file independently but even when this came around (Oct.2020) I wasn't prepared in anyway possible to pursue higher education.

-Things in the past were manageable, because I had my Grandma who supported me in everyway possible while she worked two jobs. She took me and my 4 siblings to and from school. While my parents stayed at home sleeping. She did everything she could for us, and then in 2019 she was diagnosed with cancer and died within 3 weeks, inside of the home I am currently living in.

She bought me a car before right before she died- which my mom used whenever she wanted to in order to escape from my dad momentarily. It had 56k miles at first and I never got to drive it until 100k+ miles. By the time I got it back, my mom cracked the windshield and stained the interior. It got repoed after 3 months of me using it because my grandfather left the country in 2020 to pursue his new wife (in her 20's) and his new family. He stopped paying on the car without telling me, and didn't transfer the title to me, so I had no way of preventing anything.

My only source of transportation was taken from me in March 2021. So I lost my job, my car... and I need help because I have to start all over.

I currently live at my Grandma's house where she passed away inside of the living room. The a/c has been broken since last summer (2020) and there is no heat or hot water and I just endured that during the Texas Winter Storm.

Whenever my Grandfather returns from out of the country I will have to find a place to stay but that means making 2-3x the rent and having a job for at least six months. I cannot return home because my brother is a reflection of my abusive father and I DO NOT FEEL SAFE being around him.

My brother has broken a window on me, physically has hurt me more than once. My dad calls me a whore + so many other worse things. My mom borrows money from me and gambles, and drinks. Just uses me to babysit and has made me quit my art internships in Highschool to babysit while she goes out with friends at the bar

I have been trying to sell art, and nudes in order to get a car... so that way I can try having a job. I have facial piercings and tattoos on my hands so everything is difficult.

The only thing I am at fault for is my way of coping. It's hard to foresee a future for yourself when you're living with trauma...

I didn't want to believe that my parent's don't care but after losing my job and car in March 2021, my mom has not since checked up on me or asked if I was okay. In fact has asked me to borrow money, (she usually doesn't pay back) My dad fixes A/C for a living, and has not fixed the A/C for me since last year.

My mental health is starting to take a toll on me lately and I don't want to end up in the Psych ward again..... Luckily I have a few really amazing, supportive, loving friends. But everyone has their own lives and I can't depend on anyone. I wish I could be the person helping them.

I don't want to take from others who cannot give. I want to be able to have transportation, pursue school, and also feel comfortable and safe where I am living. Past partners know where I stay, and so does my abusive brother and I live in fear of them coming over uninvited.

Please help me get to a place where I can truly grow, and flourish. Please help me feel unashamed about speaking up and asking for help. My dreams are to start a nonprofit for domestic violence victims, foster animals, and start or be apart of a printing press for creatives.

I sell art and make music in my freetime. I lost my only support system a little over a year ago and since then it has been super difficult trying to do things on my own, and I'm tired of depending on sexual partners for help (+ experiencing rape/sexual trauma), as a NONBINARY person being perceived as anything less than a soul is painful.

You can support me by commissioning or purchasing art here. Or donating anything will help- everything goes to my phone bill, food. I am on my last $500. I am really worried because lyfts and ubers add up, and I am uncertain of when I can find a job that will hire me due to my self expression.

Thank you for reading.

[zebra-warrior]

Five things I'm greatful for and then some.

1. My parents. I honestly couldn't ask for a better set of parents than I have. As a kid we didn't have much money. My parents wanted to purchase a nice house to raise me in so I had the best environment to grow up in possible but in choosing the home they did everyting else was very tight but they never made it feel that way. Back in the day when crafting and building things were less expensive than buying them (boy have things changed with crafting) if we didn't have someting they would make it. I remember a lot of my friends would have birthday parties at places like Chuck E. Cheese, Magic Mountain, the Zoo or a skating rink. My parants didn't really have the money to do that and what they had they would have rather spent on a nice present for me so my mom would decorate the house and my dad would go out and mow the grass really short. They would dig holes in the ground and put PVC pipe in the holes that my dad would get at work from the dumpster and turn our back yard into a put put course. They would put up a vollyball net and crochet set and we would use big workshop vice grip clamps and turn them upside down as putters. The house they bought already had a swing set and swimming pool so I would have pool parties and with magic mountain in my own back yard. It was a lot of work but not a lot of money even though to me it felt like they spent a fortune. Everyone always looked forward to my birthday parties as a kid. They were always a bit hit. Not to mentuon sidewalk chalk was someting they also would splurge on so setting up the driveway with lots of fun stuff was something my dad liked to do. He used to like drawing with chalk as much as I did. As I got older they always made things work. When I began getting bullied at school I was switched to a private home school coop. Which my great grandma who was also the best grandma ever paid for knowing my parents couldn't and she couldn't stand seeing me hurt the way I was but my mom would drive me 35 minutes to school, drive almost an hour to work then after work wound drive almost an hour to pick me up and then 35 minutes back home every day for 3 years until I got my driver's license. She was so excited for me to get my license she took me a month early for my T

temps. I told her it was too early and she said it wasn't and whan I got there they said come back next month lol. I never wanted to drive. I was always afraid but she couldn't get me to the BMV fast enough lol. My parents also taught me a lot about the value of money and work ethic and now say they taught me too well because I'm known to shop for several months for something more costly that I need like contact lenses in order to find the best price, all coupons and all rebates and sales available. I got my first job at age 11 and was able to buy my first car myself, pay for college myself without taking out one loan and buy my first home outright and as a foreclosure to remodel and fix up how I wanted it to look. My second car was the only thing I've ever taken out a loan on. When I got sick and OSU tried to put me in a nursing facility my parents offered to help me sell my house and take me back in with open arms so I could be cared for in their home instead of a long term care facility. They still help me to this day cooking for me, driving me to appointments when I can't use transportation services, cleaning and helping me bathe myself. I now pay them rent and utilities as well as half of groceries and personal needs of my dog and myself not because I think for a second they would dump me into a long term care faculty if I didnvt but because it's the right thing to do. This ties in with family but I'm so very greatful and thankful to still have my mom. She was on life support after having her liver cut into during a botched surgery which resulted in a full blown liver rupture. It was the hands down the scariest moment of my life. We weren't sure she would make it and her doctors couldnt even give us that reassurance but she did everyting ahead of schedule and all I had to hold on to was her promise that she wasn't going anywhere. She kept that promises and on the day she was released the nurse that called when she began crashing came into the room shocked she was alive and admitted that she was sure my mom wasn't going to make it and that was the end for her. She was completely amazed my mom was still here. My mom was caught in the battle of her life, a battle she should have never had to fight and now has PTSD because of the experience but she's alive. My mom is here. I know a lot of adults have already lost a parent and I can't imagine the pain. Having my parants bring really the only family members I have a close relationship with and being my caregivers, I don't know what I wouls do without them. I would probably be in some nursing home somewhere without them. With my dad has Autism, though he was able to work, my mom paid bills, did most of the shopping as my dad can't use a debit card. But my mom does most of the money, paperwork and phone call related stuff for him so I can't imagine how life would even be able to continue without her. Or my dad. They both have two totally different rolls and being disabled I need them more than ever so I couldn't be happier this is in the past but couldn't be more upset or had to happen to begin with. In Ohio doctors are protected against medical malpractice and though she almost lost her life and will have life long physical complications and likely somewhat shorter of a life due to these complications she will never get the revenge she deserves and the doctor didn't even get a slap on the hand for what he did to her body and with now having PTSD, her mind.

2. Maggie: This dog has rolled with the punches and adapted flawlessly. She's my best friend and fur daughter. She picked up cardiac alert from my last baby Sandy and took to training to be able to use that ability as a career line a champ. I have seen her blossom from the puppy from heck. (no offend Ma-mag) but she would literally rip wallpaper off the wall with her teeth, it took 8 months to housebreak her and there was no such thing as no in her dictionary. She got into everything but I've since learned that was only because she was so intelligent and always curious because once she began training she excelled and grew into the most trusting and obedient dog I've ever had. Not only that but she thrived on structure. When working she walks on the leash beside me just fine but when I put her on my lap at that point nothing can stop her. She sits up all straight, sticks her chest out and thinks her poop doesn't smell. My lap is her thrown. I don't mind because she can alert just as well up there as she can waking, if not better because she doesnt have to try as hard to get my attention in loud and busy places. Not only is she obedient but when she's not formally working, even at 8 years old she's still very playfil and silly, always doing things to make me laugh or my heart melt. She's a velcro dog so I've always got a snuggle buddy and someone to keep me warm and my face coated in a layer if dog spit lol. I got her the day before I got my first pacemaker and she was the first one to sit at my bedside when I came out if surgery for my second one. As I went from a much closer to healthy individual who would take her on long walks and when stuck in a terrible relationship I would walk she and Sandy some days for several hours a day, sitting around the pond eating snacks, going into every store in walking distance that allowed pets and exploring the neighborhood to much sicker, in a chair with her only real walks occurring when she worked outside the home and a much more stagnant lifestyle Maggie never loved me any less, if anyting she loved me more because to my surprise she fell in love with my wheelchair and head over hills for my powerchair. When I turn my power chair on it makes a chiming sound and whan she hears that sound she makes a mad dash for the room I'm in begging for a ride. In her mind these changes in my life had made me no less the mommy to her as I was before. She is one person (yes I will call her a person) who I can count on to always love me no matter what. If it wasn't for her, I don't think I woukd he here. This conditon has made me want to go to bed and not wake up more than once and she's saved me every time and I can't thank her enough for being such a good girl.

3. My neighbor Pam has been my neighbor since I was 5 years old so she's been in my life most of my life and much more than any family member outside my household has ever been. She's basically my aunt or a second mom to me. As a kid she helped in reaching me the value of money and hard work my giving me my first two jobs at age 11. She has me clean her primates cages and prepare food for them not only teaching me the values of good, hard work but further fostering my love for animals. She's always had the primates as well as dogs and cats I would take care of when she was out of town. I was the first kid I knew to have a real job even if it was part time. It wasn't much later that I began babysitting her grandson who even now that he's grown and I no longer talk to him, I think if him as a little brother to me. He was the most well behaved kid I ever babysat and boy was it an eye opener when I started babysitting a lot of other kids in the neighborhood and saw how some kids can really act lol. Pam has always been there for me and my family. She would take me on summer trips sometimes like I remeber a trip to Wyndot Lake that really was a blast and she has always treated me like family. We have a key to her house and she has one to ours. When I got to the age I could stay home alone I never woried too much about if I couldnt find my key or the screen door was locked because I always knew she was just a short walk away if I needed help. She watchs our houses and we watch hers contacting each other if we see anyone or anyting unusual. She comes over each year for Christmas dinner and will occasionally surprise my parents by bringing over a soup she made or some cookies she baked and last summer sent a Chimney Sweep to our house because she knew my mom needed a break and we like to have fires in the winter but haven't had our Chimney cleaned in a while. For my 16th birthday she took my awe dry car to her business at the airport to clear coat it with the same material used to clear coat jets and whan I got sick I didn't have to worry because she is always nearby. Before I got transportation services she was always willing to drive me to my medical appointments and with Corona, she helped with shopping. Over the summer we could pick anyone in our family to go on a trip to the zoo with us my dad's last year of work and we chose my neighbors and had a great time. We may not be family by blood but my neighbor is my family. Not many people are lucky enough to have a neighbor they get along with or even care for yet ours is closer than extended family and for that I'm thankful.

4. My home. I couldn't be more lucky when my parents bought this house. It's almost as if they knew that when I grew up I would be in a chair. We live in a one story floor plan with a kitchen. That has an island in the middle so if I have someting I hand its still easy to just grab the counter and zip around in a circle to any part of the kitchen I need to get to. Before the passing of my grandma, she used a walker and wheelchair so my dad had already installed a ramp in our garage so I went into this journey with access to my home. My home is also set up so my dad found easily set up a ramp onto the back porch. I have always had a large bedroom, bigger than most people I know. It's similar in size to a master bedroom and being in a chair, thats very much a necessity now. In a chair you need a lot more room to navigate an area efficiently. Of course my home is far from perfect. The bathrooms are much too small to be truly accessable so I have to make due with what I have and my bathroom. Needs despiratly to be remodeled. Unfortunatly the bath tub that was put into my bathroom could quite possibly be the most unexcwssable bathtub for someone in a wheelchair in existence. I don't have a pull down closet nor do I have pull down cabinets in the kitchen or appliances I can easily use. I don't have a stove that rises and lowers or countertops that are at my height it an elevating powerchair to be able to reach those areas. Even the microwave is a Hazzard but as far as manuverability we have that. I can access every too. In our home except our basement and one part of a bathroom we have. It would be easier to menuvour here if my parants didn't have so mucb stuff and such big bulky furniture it I think that's also part of living with my parents. They have more life experience and more stuff but it's doable. Not everyone is lucky enough. After becoming disabled to have a home that's usable or has porential. Many were forced to move after getting sick or disabled. I was forced to move out of my home but my parents home is usable and I can't be more happy for this home.

5. Doctor Joseph and his staff. I went 30 years of my life unable to get help for this condition slowely robbing more and more from my body. When I came across Dr Joseph they were something I had never seen in the medical community. This was all new to me. I entered into a facility of four of the most caring and compassionate individuals I've ever encountered. I finally found a doctor who specializes in my conditon and he was just over a half hour away. But only was he familliar with the disease but also the comorbidities, Misconceptions, PTSD we have all faced from others who hold some form of medical degree and how we likely have no one to advocate for us and we have been on our own literally fighting through the pain and suffering. For appropriate medical treatment to only be dealt more pain and suffering. When he took me on I was the sickest I've ever been in my life and I so much pain I frankly can't believe I hadn't taken my life much before even hearing about him not only did he take me on as a patient knowing how big of a project I would be after over 200 doctors in the past saw me and just pushed me off but he never gave up, hasn't given up and I don't see him giving up on me in the future. His staff has fought tooth and nail with insurance companies on my behalf, files formal complaints about hospital care for me, brought me in on days they were fully booked to try to help me and spent weekends and holidays on the phone with my mom and the hospital angerly fighting with them to do the right thing and provide appropriate care. They may have not listened to him, learned to hate him and failed me terribly but at least I can't say my doctor and his staff didn't try. His wife came in on her day off to fight with my insurance company and they have helped me find the right goverment officials to contact with problems. The goverment officials may not have done anything but again, at least I can say they tried and that says a lot about a doctor. I. Not on the best treatment and the battle still continues to get me into a surgeon, gst testing completed and fight for more than the fifth or sixth best medication. They treat me no different than they would treat their own family members and that is something I've never seen in a doctor. I have seen improvement. It may not be as much as they would like but every bit of improovment is because the continue to fight to me, continue to teach me to advocate for myself and refuse to give up on me just because I'm a complicated case. I couldn't thank his office more for what they have done and continue to do each day.

I know that's five but just to list a few, I'm thankful for my late dog Sandy, my late Great Grandma, nature and other non harmful animals that cross my path, my local church, my online friends and the availability of support groups, the internet, with the virus I'm thankful for the new door that has opened for those of us who are homebound with all of these vertual tours and other New online resources that open the world up to us from our beds and couches, that I still have my mind, my manual and powerchair as I would have no way to access anyting, including my own house without them, the nice days after the ground has dried up and I'm able to roll around my yard and around the garden. To re-establish a love for crafting. My cricut and sewing machine and mich more. So just because there are things I'm very upset with in this world doesn't mean there aren't things I'm thankful for.

#myEDSchallenge #myHSDchallenge

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Buster

Rio: Word to the wise, McKenna, get your missus off the streets unless you want her to get hate crimed Buster: Like I care what happens to her Buster: Hospital bills aren't in the realm of what I pay for unless they're Jay's Rio: I can assure you I care even less so regardless of how little you feel for this one Rio: get her out of my face, yeah, cheers Buster: Handle her yourself Buster: I'm out of the habit of doing favors for you Rio: Why should I? Rio: She's your mess Buster: She's never been mine Buster: Nothing to me, like Rio: Of course not Rio: 'cept the mother of your child, like Buster: Jay's not gonna wake up and scroll Chlo's social feed. I reckon we're fine Rio: Luckily for you too Buster: What the fuck's that meant to mean? Rio: Hardly keeping it PG are you Rio: at least Chlo has the deceny to keep it fake Buster: Why should I? Buster: None of them are sticking around for playdates Rio: Exactly Rio: don't need to keep a catalouge running for anyone but yourself Buster: If you've got something to say, say it Buster: Don't make it about my daughter when it ain't Rio: Well yeah, it is Rio: Won't be that long before she can use an iPhone Rio: put money on her figuring it out before you get a clue, anyway Buster: Fuck you Rio: Yeah, fuck you and all Buster: You wish, babe Rio: Still out here with the same shit chat Rio: a miracle you can keep Chlo invested nevermind the rest Buster: Not trying to keep anyone invested Buster: It's your problem that it still works on you Rio: Please Rio: Just keep all your bullshit out my face Buster: Says the girl in my inbox seeking me out Buster: Block me. It's well easy Rio: I know it's hard for you to process, but this ain't about you Rio: anyway, if you took your own advice, these messages would be falling on deaf ears so Buster: I know that you knew I wouldn't care before you even said her name Buster: But here you still are, like Buster: And it's my bullshit, yeah? Okay Rio. Whatever you say Rio: Yeah, truly my bad for reckoning you still had some decency Rio: How are you gonna blame me for this one? Buster: Never claimed it Buster: Your bad for seeing what you're desperate to see Buster: I can blame you for not playing by the rules you made up to suit yourself and leaving me alone Rio: You mean my bad for seeing through your bullshit Rio: I'll claim that, happily Rio: Come on, there were never any rules, it was the fucking opposite from the jump Rio: and you've hardly been alone Buster: You'd have more credibility at seeing through me if you weren't so full of shit yourself Buster: But go off if you wanna Buster: 'Cause we both know what it's really about, yeah? Buster: You wear that jealousy well though, babe, don't worry Rio: Fuck off Rio: I have standards, unlike yourself Buster: They ain't high enough to brag about though Rio: You've got that covered too Rio: Maturity of a twelve year old Buster: And? Buster: You're so mature, it's all just playground games what you do, but 'cause there's cash in it you tell yourself it ain't Rio: And, you're a grownass man with a child so sort yourself the fuck out Rio: This ain't about my job Rio: which you have no idea about so don't even go there Buster: It ain't about me as a dad either, which you know even less about Rio: Yeah, 'cos not everything you do affects your kid Rio: think on like Buster: She's a baby and she's protected from this as much as her psycho ma will let her be Buster: Catch yourself on and stop trying to cross new lines with me now that I won't fuck you Rio: Sure, that's your thing, wait until everything's totally fucked before getting out your cape Buster: Rather that than stress something that ain't a thing Buster: Life's too short, babe, you gotta calm down Rio: Shut the fuck up Rio: I know how short it is Rio: its you that's acting like that means it don't matter Buster: 'Cause you've got all the answers, yeah? 'Course Buster: Ask yourself why you're so obsessed with my kid Buster: I know exactly what matters Rio: Yeah? Then fucking act like it Rio: reckon you're so smart when it's obvious why the fuck I care Rio: don't recall how this goes when you mess it up? Rio: 'cause none of us can fucking forget Buster: Then act like it your fucking self Buster: If you gave a shit you'd know that I ain't nothing like that cunt Rio: Not me you have to prove that to Buster: And I already prove it to her Buster: So fuck you Buster: She ain't Edie and she never will be Rio: Fuck you there was nothing wrong with her Rio: it was him Buster: And I'm not him Buster: So stop Rio: You stop Buster: What? Having a life Buster: Didn't reckon being a dad meant I have to book myself into a monastery like Rio: You don't have to or get to treat people, women in particular, like shit Rio: and act as if that's never coming back on you, and fucking her up Buster: I've never treated a girl anything other than how she wants me to Buster: They ain't asking me to get down on my knees with a ring Rio: Whatever, Buster Buster: Not whatever Buster: You know it firsthand don't act like you don't Rio: I'm not accusing you of being a fucking rapist here Rio: but you're gonna sit here and act like you've never turned a blind eye to a girl's feelings just 'cos it suited you Buster: With Chlo, yeah, and I'm still paying for it Buster: Every girl I've been with since knew exactly what was happening and not. I know I'm hot but they are capable of having a convo with me sometimes Buster: If you wanna think different, chat away to my fucking sister, she's been in that camp way longer, properly knows her way around Rio: Jesus Rio: Just get her on the first plane out of here, yeah Buster: If it was that easy she'd already have gone Rio: Yeah well Rio: Good luck Buster: Well, what? Buster: What do you want me to do? Buster: Whatever it is, take more than luck Rio: I'm not here offering solutions Buster: Just saying you care and doing fuck all to prove it, yeah? Buster: I got that Rio: What can I do? Christ, wasn't as if it was a friendly chat Rio: can hardly wave her through customs Buster: You could help me Buster: Instead of being a bitch Rio: I'm not being a bitch Rio: but go on, how? Buster: Whatever Buster: Forget it Rio: No Rio: I'm being serious Rio: Go on Buster: So I am Buster: I'll sort it myself Rio: Alright Buster: Salvage what you can of your night Rio: Whatever Rio: Will she seriously not leave? Doesn't she...do anything in London or what Buster: She can shop and have brunch here too Buster: Swap my parents for hers, with the bonus pair of hands that's me Rio: More tragic than my life and that's saying something Buster: Shut up Buster: You're alright Rio: Don't worry, not looking for sympathy Buster: Not giving it Buster: I don't need to Rio: Hmm Rio: doesn't she have a dog? Rio: could stage a kidnapping Buster: Wouldn't wish that on her parents, they'd get all the blame Buster: They ain't that bad Rio: Alright, just ransom one of her shit friends then Buster: Like she'd actually care Buster: I'm ringing her, once she has enough missed calls from me she'll come running back Buster: Gotta raise the tally to the highest it's been or what's the point, like Rio: Gets her out of town, yeah Rio: but how are you gonna get her out of yours? Rio: maybe your 'rents can Buster: Not your problem Buster: Neither is the fact my parents would have to be around themselves to notice that she is Rio: Guess even their best stern phone voice ain't really going to cut it Rio: Surely there's a social occasion she's missing? Create a fake one, like Buster: Nothing to top her plans to seduce me into playing happy families Buster: But I'm the one who'll mess Jay up Rio: Alright, I didn't compare you to her, come on Buster: Nah, just the biggest cunt, going Buster: Cheers Rio: Not you as a whole Rio: just some behaviour but yeah Rio: said what i said still sorry Buster: Are you? Rio: Don't push it, I ain't gonna repeat the s word Rio: but yes Buster: You can, I won't tell anyone Rio: Yeah? Forgo the social media for that one Rio: Typical Buster: Hardly the first exception I've made for you, babe Rio: Lucky me Buster: Least you can admit that Rio: Idiot Buster: Behave Buster: I clearly ain't as smart as you want me to be but can't go that far Rio: Alright, ain't the first to not be on my level Rio: sure you won't be the last Buster: Shut up Buster: That's the biggest lie you've told me yet Buster: I easily match you Rio: And that's the most defensive you've been Rio: Oh, boy, some things never change Buster: Good. Things weren't that bad how they were Rio: Yeah Buster: You should go, reckon I've got through her thick skull finally Buster: Have some fun Rio: Oh, ain't even thought of a decent plan yet Buster: Don't worry about it Buster: No reason we should both have a shit night Rio: If I was anywhere Chlo could hunt me down, unlikely I was having a rager, isn't it Buster: Yeah well, you were the one trying to say you had standards, babe Buster: You working or what? Rio: Also saying shit was tragic, if your recall's that good Rio: Nah, rare night off Buster: All the more reason to fuck off and do something good then Buster: Ain't too late yet Rio: Do my best, McKenna Buster: Have one for me, like Rio: Done is done Buster: Sláinte Rio: I miss you Buster: Rio Rio: Sorry Buster: Don't Buster: That isn't how I wanted to hear you say sorry Rio: I know Rio: I didn't mean to say it Buster: I know Rio: Okay fuck Rio: bye Buster: Wait Rio: Yeah? Buster: I miss you too Buster: I'm not sorry Rio: Swear? Buster: Yeah Rio: What do we do? Buster: Do you really want me to answer that? Rio: Guess my answer depends on yours so Buster: You already know there's only one thing I can think about doing Rio: Me too Buster: Fuck Buster: Tell me we can't Rio: Can't now Rio: for real Rio: but I can't say never Rio: it feels as shit as it sounds Buster: I know Buster: That's all I'm sorry for, like Rio: I tried Rio: but it just fucked everything else up too Buster: you and me both, babe Rio: Jesus Rio: what's wrong with us Buster: Nothing I wanna fix Rio: Seriously? Buster: I want you Rio: I know Rio: it made me mental Rio: and that's only the shit i saw, never mind all the stuff i could imagine, and couldn't stop myself from Buster: Good Buster: 'Cause you gave me nothing to go on Rio: Not good Rio: I could fill you in if that's what you want Buster: Is it gonna be worse than what's in my head? Rio: Safe to assume if it was I wouldn't be in your inbox now, would I Buster: No telling with you Rio: Charming Buster: Well, can't be, can I Buster: Not now Rio: I got this far resisting you, sure I can manage a few more days Buster: You reckon? Rio: No but you know Rio: if I ain't got a choice I ain't got one Buster: You could race Chlo to my door Rio: You'd love that, twat Rio: though doubt she's gonna be fast in those heels Buster: How pissed is she? Not gonna love that, am I Rio: Completely white girl wasted Buster: 'Course Buster: Come over a few minutes after she gets here then Rio: We can't do that Buster: I know but I really wish I was being serious Rio: Same Rio: Just have to see you around, like Buster: I'll call you when she gets mad enough at me to go Rio: Sounds like a plan Rio: She's determined but you're annoying as fuck so Buster: Fuck off Buster: You love it Rio: For my sins Rio: I give Chlo 3 days tops Rio: she's fake and we know it Buster: I'll get her to leave tomorrow Buster: You'll see Rio: You talk a big game, babe Buster: If it was all talk I wouldn't be saying it Buster: The proof'll come Buster: I'm determined too Rio: You're cute Buster: You won't be saying that when I'm right Buster: Then I'll be hot as fuck Rio: to yourself or me, like? Buster: Hilarious Rio: You know I got jokes Rio: and you know you're always hot as fuck to me too Buster: Tell me what else you've got for me Rio: Only all of me and whatever you want Buster: I'll take that Rio: Good Rio: not got the holiday home and yacht perks like your usual, soz like Buster: Shut up Buster: You know I don't care about any of that Rio: Giving you some credit, like Rio: Dunno what else you're seeing in 'em Buster: You really wanna talk about them? Rio: Not my first choice but as discussed Rio: not yet Buster: It's easy that's all Rio: You don't need to explain yourself Rio: I'm just jealous Buster: I'm just saying you don't need to be Rio: Not now I know you feel it too Buster: Did you actually think I didn't? Rio: I don't know Rio: Maybe Rio: I told you, couldn't stop thinking all kinds of shit Buster: Idiot Rio: Shut up Rio: said in this very convo that you won't fuck me anymore Buster: And you said you saw through my bullshit Rio: You know, being cocky is your thing Rio: but honestly, always said it, headfuck, yeah? Hardly been here before Rio: don't know what I'm doing or feeling half the time Rio: except I want you, that's all I know Buster: That's all I need you know Buster: It's alright Rio: Yeah? Rio: Good then Buster: It'd be better if you were coming here instead of Chlo Buster: Not to speak of the devil 'cause fuck knows when she'll appear Rio: She did stumble out a while ago so Rio: probably soon, assuming she ain't fallen in the river Buster: I ain't that lucky Buster: Had my share for tonight anyway, like Rio: I won't tell anyone you said that Rio: nothing but god given 🍀 Buster: Cheers Rio: People you don't wanna see are like buses forreal and the 2nd just showed up eurgh Rio: Don't get the wrong idea, Chlo, not following you out but I gotta dash Buster: Who's got you running? Rio: Just someone I owe a second date Buster: Where are you gonna go? Rio: Onto the next bar and hope I ain't been spotted Rio: though no one wants to leave so I'm gonna have to make new friends, cheers lads Buster: You could always come here Buster: Have a drink with me instead of for me Buster: And celebrate Chlo's impending departure Rio: Hmm Rio: How much space can you feasibly put between you and me, whilst still serving me a drink? Rio: 'Cos I don't trust myself at all Buster: Try me Rio: Alright, Tom Cruise 🍸 Rio: no need to try to impress me i'm there Buster: Yeah? Rio: Yeah Rio: Can always just go down on you Rio: Stealth mode Buster: Good to know you've got a plan Rio: Always thinking, babe Buster: Can't deny that I ain't Rio: Then you'll owe me for missed time and then some Buster: Fine Rio: Seal the deal when I get there, like Buster: Promise Rio: Promise Buster: How soon can you be here Rio: Gotta give Chlo time to get in and leave you alone, so you tell me Buster: Just come now Buster: I wanna see you before I have to her Rio: How we gonna explain that one? Rio: Unless you want me to hide Buster: She won't remember Rio: I think she will Rio: Stalker of the highest order Rio: shocked she even knew who I was Buster: You've got a point Buster: Fuck's sake Rio: I know, babe Buster: [An annoying amount of time later] Buster: Okay Rio: Persistent bitch Buster: I don't wanna talk about her any more Rio: We don't have to talk at all Buster: You reckon? Buster: When have you ever stayed that quiet Rio: Sounds like you missed me and all my talk Buster: Yeah Buster: I wanna hear everything you've got to say to me Rio: Okay, work on my whisper Buster: Not that you're gonna have long 'cause you're gonna hurry up, yeah? Rio: Duh Rio: Wish I could say the blue dress has made an reappearance alas Buster: I don't care Rio: Trust, gonna make sure you don't care about anything but what my mouth is doing Buster: Christ Rio: I missed you so much Buster: I can't wait to show you how much I missed you too