#i've never felt this good about myself and this is even before medical transition

[cowboah-baby]

before starting my transition and while is was in my ex-relationship i was really into the thought of the "other half" and another person completing me. i was devastated when the divorce came (because my baseline was just being unhappy with myself) but now that i know who i am and i'm living true to my wants and needs.... i feel like a full human being who would be happy if someone shared this with me but i am no longer looking for someone to "complete" me. i am a full human!

[drdemonprince]

Something I think you're missing in how you talk about trans men: how recently you transitioned.

I came out circa 2007, and there was almost no information about us, no community where I lived (the local support group was all older trans women), no media outside of "Boys Don't Cry" and the way-better-but-still-basic "Parrotfish," no anything at all except TERF lesbian communities that coveted and hated us in equal measure, and general GSAs that were sweet, but dominated by cis people. I learned that the worst thing in the world I could be was a trans man - to be a trans man was to be a regressive agent of the patriarchy, and if I couldn't force myself to be nonbinary or a cis woman, I was evil.

In the early 2010s I attended a conference where a trans woman, a national celebrity I looked up to, made a joke about how useless trans men are during her keynote speech. I walked out of that room crying because as far as I knew, she was right - I was almost an elder by the standards of an atomized community where we were expected to die young, and even I couldn't name a single trans man in history who'd mattered.

We take it for granted now that trans men like Lou Sullivan made a difference, but to bring attention to him, folks like me had to swim upstream against a wave of accusations of misogyny from TERFs, and sometimes even from trans women. The acceptance you rejoice in at bathhouses? That was hard won through outreach by trans men. I even remember a specific trans male-run ambassador program in San Francisco circa 2013 dedicated to integrating trans men into the queer male community.

The world that's welcomed you was built by trans men who, like me, felt agonizingly alone and unwanted in both cis and trans communities. You paint a picture of lazy hangers-on who don't understand how good they have it, and maybe that's true for the folks you're looking at, but they don't reflect the hard work trans men have been putting in at every level of organizing for much longer than our efforts have been recognized. I've been involved in the fight for our liberation since I was a teenager, working on school and state-level policy change, medical access, the preservation of history, mentorship, dodging evictions, and all the little jobs my tired, autistic ass can take on, and I've never been rewarded for it outside the thanks of the people I've helped. All I ever wanted was to make things better for the generations that came after me.

I'd just like to have that reality acknowledged - that those of us who came before you built what you're now able to enjoy, and we can use that history to empower and encourage younger generations to continue doing the work instead of implying that no one's been doing it at all.

Thank you for this message. I would like to read a lot more about your perspective on this history. Please let me know your @ -- in private if you prefer. There are some elements of how this is framed here that do make me go, hm (the view was the worst thing you could be was a trans man?) but I am also appreciative of this this glimpse at what I don't know I don't know, and am interested to learn more about it.

But I also want to push back against the idea that I have no knowledge of how things were during the times you're talking about -- I was a queer, gender-questioning adult at that time too, and I was active in many trans spaces.

My medical transition is very recent in the grand scheme of things but I've been rolling deep with trans guys and going to trans masc events since 2003-2004 (in Cleveland and Columbus). I remember how the not-full-blown TERFY yet still very toxic radfems spoke about men, sexually preyed upon trans guys in some cases, and sometimes said things critical of transition. I knew several trans guys who had quite a guilt complex about becoming a "man" because they had internalized that men were inherently predatory and evil. Personally, I'd always thought that line of thinking was absurd and a very poor excuse for feminism, so it didn't get under my skin in the same way. Instead of making me not want to be a man, it made me not want to be a feminist. Which is pretty typical sexist bro shit to do really. Again, no big evidence of transmisandry here. certainly experiences that were emotionally very fraught and challenging for people, but not misandry or transmisandry.

These queer and feminist groups that I moved within were VASTLY more exclusionary to the trans femmes in the city, who were not even permitted to attend events for sexual assault survivors in the Columbus scene. I DID see trans women on the social periphery of these groups be discouraged from transitioning, and I did hear just about every vile transmisogynistic slur and exclusionary idea you can think of be passed around by many without challenge.

The transmisogyny stood out to me even back then as particularly egregious and rampant -- it disgusted me and caused me to distance myself from those groups of people in 2007-8. It was the outspoken hatred of anyone with an "amab" body and frothing transmisogyny that made me not want to be associated with that crowd or to contemplate transition, honestly -- not any kind of widespread anti-transmasc sentiment. These groups held top surgery fundraisers and hormone start date celebrates for trans guys and expressed desire for trans men openly and included them warmly in just about everything while treating trans women like predators and telling them they should just be feminine men (far, far away from them).

So my experience just does not track with what you are saying. I imagine we have two very different vantage points on similar periods of time, and I think there certainly is a lot more about trans masc history I could stand to learn and so many trans masc elders' whose names I should be putting more respect on. And I'd be very open to hearing more about that from you. But I do have to push back against the characterization of the era as someone who very much was there.

[your-queer-dad]

Hey queerdad!

Just really wanted somewhere to talk, because I feel really hopeful in a way I've rarely felt before this year.

I'm moving for my first year of college tomorrow! I'm super excited and can't wait to finally have a space to live independently from my parents.

I'm really excited, I'm going into art education (aiming to be a teacher) and I have friends there, I have a job, I'm excited for my classes, I'm just really excited to be "an adult" and get my shit together yk? I feel like I have a good path started, no matter where it takes me.

I've started HRT thus beginning my medical transitioning at last, I've started to get recognized in my community for my art which is largely about trans issues (which is HUGE because my area is in a US state that isnt very good about trans people), and generally I feel like I'm really pulling myself together.

Last year was extremely rough for me. Really, the past ten years, even if I was a kid ten years ago, have been rough mentally emotionally and socially. But I've finally really established myself with good friends at last and I've let go of people who weren't good for me and I wasn't good for them and it was TOUGH but we made it through and after all those years of trial and error I'm READY! I know me, I know my needs, and I've set my goals and I'm equipped to cope when things go awry. I'm feeling good about the future!

My parents are sad to see me go, but they're kind of controlling, so I'm really happy to be out of the house where I can talk to them but from a distance. I'm trying not to break their hearts but they'll find a way to cope eventually. And I'll be back eventually.

Hhhng it feels like if my life was a TV show, this is a new season, and GOD am I hyped about it!! nervous as all hell but excited.

TL;DR im getting my shit together and feeling hopeful about the future near and far. no matter what yall go through I promise a better future is never impossible--there's always a day where you will feel hope, no matter how far that day is. <3

-signed, a future art teacher and future fellow queer dad

Hey kiddo!! That's incredible I'm so happy for you!! I'm so proud of you. You've gotten through so much and you deserve every ounce of happiness in the world. I know you're going to be an incredible art teacher and I am so excited for you to have new experiences and new opportunities, and you deserve every one of them. I'm so proud of you and keep up the good work.

- dad x

[sea-saur]

gender rant under the cut

ok here's the thing i've been on t for a little over a year now and i had top surgery back in september of '22 so like i'm cooking right im a little guy in an incubator and my voice has changed for sure and my bottom growth is growing and im getting more hair in places etc etc so like things are happening right. but i'm also 5'2" and have a big ole ass and while my voice has changed it isn't changed enough to pass and while yes i have more body hair plenty of cis girls have more body hair than me and like basically i'm getting on and off dysphoria for not passing. i don't even WANT to pass as a cis man, i just want to NOT be read immediately as a girl. you know? and frankly i'm happy with the body hair and bottom growth and it'd be nice if my fat redistribution kicked in a little more but i'm comfortable with my weight etc etc like....frankly i think it's mostly the voice. the voice and the face. like if my face looked more boyish and my voice sounded more boyish i think the rest of my body would coast cause i've seen enough chubby guys of various shapes to not really feel that self conscious about my body. it's the face and voice that sell it.

and the other thing is like....i have this thing where it's like 'i don't pass as a boy therefore i'm not one' when i don't put that requirement on any other queer person but for ME living it mentally? it's hard to put together the 'i walk around and am read as a girl, and i was raised as a girl, and hell i frankly WAS a girl up until my 20's like that's a part of who i am and im not ashamed of that, i love child me she is important to who i am as a person and frankly i'm grateful to be trans in that way, i think growing up a girl can make me a better guy" (and yeah there's a lot of privilege to be able to say i love being trans, i'm in a large city and work in an industry where queerness is accepted and often celebrated so like. i know. i'm really very very lucky and im extremely grateful for that) but mentally, it's hard for me to even see myself as a transmasc person when i don't SEE it physically, AND because my insides are still me. like i'm still me. and i didn't grow up as feeling like a boy in a girls body. i'm still some kind of nonbinary, still very queer in general, like being bi puts an interesting spin on this too since i have never been and don't associate my personal self with lesbian spaces, or gay men spaces, i sort of float in any queer generalities that people are into. but yeah, never really clicked with lesbian specific environments. i love lesbians but im just not one.

BUT i was raised a girl, so i feel COMFORTABLE around women, often times more than men. queer people in general of any gender are number 1, but ya know. the gist is coming off of a gig the last month that was very queer coded in the musical we were doing, and being surrounded by queer women making lesbian jokes, i felt...simultaneously left out (no one was leaving me out, to be clear, i mean within my own personal identity crisis lol) and also too included. i don't know. a lot of it is in my head, people are often good about my pronouns and frankly i don't KNOW how my usual colleagues see me as a person, if they have to work harder to reframe their interpretation of me away from "girl" and into "transmasc person" since i worked with a number of them before i started medically transitioning. thankfully i always read as a queer person haha. i have that going for me, which does feel very affirming.

idk. even my own apartment decor gives me dysphoria sometimes, which drives me crazy!! i like my apartment decor! I keep trying to do little things to "masc" it up, neutralize it a little, even tho i love all the things i've put in my home. i need new curtains.

there's nothing more to do about it right now i guess, besides try and take more active steps toward my legal name change, and potentially switching from t gel to injections, but that scares me because i'm afraid of doing it wrong and hurting myself. the gel is safer that way. and the dose is daily so i think it gives are more consistent level throughout the week. i also don't know exactly how much i want to pass as "just some guy" even tho this entire rant is literally about that. i think that my fear is that i look cis/straight, which frankly idk that i ever even would based on how i am as a person, so idk why i'm worried about it. basically, i want to stop feeling like i'm 'pretending' to be transmasc. cause sometimes it feels like it's all a lie and im actually just a girl who doesn't want to be a girl but is stuck as one. especially since i don't want to be a cis guy either. i also don't want to lose my ties to my past - i don't connect with womanhood, but i don't want to lose the "sisterhood" for lack of a better term? But also really want to be part of the queer "brotherhood" that i feel like i can't be based on where i am as a person? idk i feel a lot of the time that when im in my own home, im just a little goosey guy. the second i leave my apartment and im percieved, i'm a masculine woman to the world. and even tho masculine women are the fucking shit, im just not that!! and so. dysphoria.

[the-casbah-way]

trans stuff below ignore this

i'm at such a weird and horrible part of transitioning that i've never seen anyone talk about before. i'm so far from what i used to be but i'm so far from what i want to be too. i passed for years and now i've deliberately chosen to stop passing and it feels really strange. my whole life is on hold until i am able to feel like myself. i don't do anything i don't go out i don't talk to anyone i exist completely on my own because i just cannot show up in the world the way i want to and there is nothing i can do about it. i literally can't speak because i can't stand the idea of someone hearing my voice as it is now. it makes me feel sick every time i talk because the person i am hearing does not sound like me even though it is me. that's not what i'm supposed to sound like. i get so tempted to go back to what i was before even though the thought is unbearable because at least then i wouldn't be this horrible weird in between thing that feels just as far away from me as the old me did. i miss the times where i would feel so good about my gender and my body and myself even though they're always so fleeting. i know one day i will have those moments again but for so long now i've just been drowning in dysphoria that i can't even describe and none of it is because i don't "look like a man" whatever that means. i did look like a man, and i didn't like it, so i chose to stop. and now i get misgendered all the time and people stare at me for ages trying to figure out what to call me and no one treats me normally and i feel sick every time i go outside. there is not a single thing about the way i look or feel in myself that is right or good and every time i try to fix it i just make it worse. it's like every single trans masc on earth looks good and cool and infinitely closer to what i want to be than i do and i would trade with literally any of them i don't care if they're medically transitioning or if other people think they pass i would rather look like literally anyone else than me because i don't have anything about me that i can work with in order to look and feel like myself. i'm thinking back to all the times i felt ok enough in myself to be able to express my sexuality or be myself and now i feel sick because i could never do that now. it would make me so angry and disgusted at myself and the idea of having sex makes me want to vomit up my insides and rip all my skin off because i can't believe i would ever let myself want that. and i can't believe i would ever let people see me in a sexual way. like even writing it makes me feel like i'm going to be sick i don't understand how i was capable of that even though the last time i felt it was just earlier this year. i don't know i just don't see the point in anything until i can get on t and the more i look into it the more it seems like it'll never happen and i don't know who to ask to help me because i can't talk to anyone. and even if i got on t who cares. i've been holding out for it for so so so long whilst watching everyone around me get on it even the people who came out long after me but who cares. it won't make me any less of a shitty person and it won't get rid of everything i hate about myself and it'll just make my life harder because of how cis people and my family are going to treat me and it just feels like it's an endless lifetime of horrible things that make me pray that i will one day be able to find it in myself to give up and leave

[solarisii]

It's okay to be sad, angry, afraid, depressed. And it's okay to talk about and vent those feelings. Don't let uounir anyone else say you're a burden or being annoying by discussing your feelings. Anyone who says that isn't worth your time.

Thank you so much. It's just difficult ya? Like I don't want to hurt, scare anyone away, trigger anyone else, and/or like you said (and I've said before) be a burden or be annoying. A good number of my problems are still happening/reoccurring so it also just feels like every vent is basically the same.

Part of my vents honestly I think is just to be heard and understood by folks. Despite my own communication difficulties.

And uuuhhhh sorry, this in and of it's self kinda became a vent below so...

I'm trying my best but all of my best has felt like it's been chipped away. I'm depressed, chronically anxious both generally and socially, feeling useless and like a burden because I can't work and recently I haven't even been able to make much art. Feeling like a failure in my transition because I think I maybe on too low of a dose but am too afraid to ask and that i have basically haven't been able to present differently like 99% of the time. On top of that years of low-key abuse came to a very explosive point a couples years ago and that scrambled everything harder. And I've had some bad doc experiences, with one as a teen telling me I'd be dead by 30 and it's hard to shake that being 30 now. Really feeling that running out of time. With my most recent appointment talking about some of my failings with my own health has the endless repeating thought of "I'M GOING TO DIE IM GOING TO DIE IM GOING TO DIE SOON FROM EITHER MEDICAL OR FASCISM" which isn't a great thought , let alone me being crammed in-between the thought of how I should just die.

And there's things that like logically I know but for some reason I can't use/implement anymore. Like apologizing too much and rewording it to be thank you. I just can't anymore it feels like such a lie because I am so sorry for bother someone or sometimes just for existing. Or not using words like failure(failure is a step not a permanent point or affliction), burden(that's just being, it comes with existing), or useless (by who's standards) to describe myself but like I don't have other words to describe these feeling and thoughts eating through me.

Then there's the basics of like Get exercise! (makes me actively suicidal, idk why), Get good and consistent sleep! (I've literally never been able to), Eat well!(I don't have an excuse for this I just fucking suck at it). I'm in therapy and I've gone through like 8 meds, each one/combo taking weeks to try and only for it to sometimes just make everything almost worse. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong or if there's something wrong with my brain to make that many not work but.

I'm so so so so tired I'm in both physical and emotional pain, and have been hopeless for months now. I'm trying my best I swear I am. Right now I'm stuck just trying to get through each day and stay alive. I AM sad I AM angry I AM afraid and I AM depressed. I just wanna be a happy weird dog girl who play video games, draws, and has wonderful times with her friends who is atleast somewhat understood. I want it so bad.

[yuribalisms]

Oh my god, okay, so a lot has happened the past couple weeks so some fun little life updates!

First! We found a new apartment, and we get to start moving in on the 1st! It's much nicer than our current place, and also closer to our jobs, so I'm very excited. We'll have the whole month of March to move in, but we want to get settled in there as quickly as possible, so we're moving all the necessities the 2nd so we can be living there rather than our old place, even if we'll still have some things to work on moving throughout the month. On top of that, if all goes well, I should be able to finally get a new car on the 6th! So I will finally be free of car troubles, which will be so relieving

I also started seeing a therapist, and I really like her! She specializes in ADHD but is also wanting to focus on helping me with my depression. She's very cool, and we do a lot of art therapy during our sessions which I really like, and we have similar interests, so we talk about anime and books too. Idk, I know it's only been a few sessions, but I already feel like it has helped and it's nice having a therapist that I have stuff in common with. I'm definitely not as freaked out by it as I have been in the past

I also.... think I have figured out the gender thing. I know I've said that in the past, but well and truly, it has never felt like this before. Basically, my best friend was telling me about how he came out to his whole family and is going to start T, and while I was ofc very happy for him, it also made me insanely jealous. Like, so jealous I literally felt ill. Ever since he came out I've had small little bouts of jealousy, but I really just thought it was because he had figured out gender stuff and I hadn't, but the fact that I got so weirdly upset over the fact that he was medically transitioning and I wasn't really kinda just... made it click for me, I think. I also talked to him about it, and he said he thought I had so many issues with accepting it because I was still attached to parts of my femininity (and while ofc I know it's perfectly alright for guys to be feminine and want to be feminine for some reason I thought that didn't apply to me) and also because I was known for repressing my feelings and also desperately trying to convince myself I wasn't trans/didn't want to medically transition because I know my family would never be okay with that, so if I convinced myself I didn't want that, it would be fine, which is... all true. I don't know, for some reason, this was really what made it finally click, I think, because while I am still getting over those final hurdles of acceptance, I feel... much more at ease and at peace with accepting gender stuff already now that I'm thinking about it this way.

Anyways, I am moving out of a shitty apartment, I'm finally fixing the last of my car issues, I started therapy, and I am 99% sure I am a trans guy, so.... A lot, but good things, mostly, I think

[tales-of-cerano]

As 2022 comes to a close I'm starting to look back and reflect on the past few years, something I haven't really done much in the past. Now I will for anyone who is willing to listen. You don't know me, I probably don't know you very well, but I invite you to do the same.

2020: The Year of Pain

An edgy start I know but a lot happened in this year. Fear in many flavors, opportunities closed, regression we're all themes of the year. For me personally nothing terribly tragic happened. I most likely had COVID and gave it to my whole studio in the beginning of January before I even heard of it (parents friends who had a business trip to china got a weird illness and it just worked it's way as it does). A hiring freeze locked me out of an opportunity with a university conservatory that I was extremely excited for. I felt lonely without my friends. Besides COVID I was consistently stressed about future graduation and career choices. It's a year that went so slow yet now I forget most of it.

2021: The Year of Transition

I went through 3 major transitions in my life during this year: graduated college, started a salaried job, socially and medically transitioned. Way more than I expected and probably more than I could handle. It's weird now that I think about it how much actually happened. The imposter syndrome took a lot of the good out of those accomplishments at the time but now I am starting to see it. I also will flex here because it wasn't really recognized but I was valedictorian of my college. My class rank was 1 out of not just the major/department I was in but also the entirety of the NCState class of 2021. Like 1/6000 people. I don't tell that to anyone really cuz I don't want to be a bragging asshole but I worked really hard for it so I'll flex in front of internet strangers who don't know me.

2022: The Year of Change

Not a lot of "things" happened this year like last year but I finally had enough time to actually sit down and reflect on things because of things slowing down a bit. I worked with a therapist for a few sessions. I started listening to Healthy gamer gg stuff and started thinking about my mental health as something that was a part of me rather than something to solve. My outlook changed. I can safely say that I am 1000% better with being comfortable with myself than I was before. Anxiety attacks over things went from being dissociative and lasting for weeks to being something manageable. It's nothing I ever thought would ever happen. I think the biggest thing that kick-started my change was to give things the benefit of the doubt and try them. I used to fight meditation saying it was something that wouldn't work for me cuz I'm too in my head until I just said you know what let's try. What's gonna happen it won't work and I waste an hour. So I did and now its one of the most influential things of my life.

2023: The Year of Forgiveness

This upcoming year I'd like to focus on letting myself live with mistakes I've made in the past and let go of some deep shame I have. I was dumb and while I never did anything like commit a violent crime against anyone I still feel like I caused a lot of emotional damage like bullying people in middle school and being critical to my friends. It's all stuff that I've either worked though, became aware, and changed. Of course I don't want to just toss it aside like it didn't happen but I want to recognize that while it was something I did it's also something that I can forgive myself for and move past as a better person.

This might change and who knows it might be another year of pain. Could be anything tbh. I'm open to it.

I wish anyone who reads this an insightful new year. Thinking and analyzing the past can be helpful to some. Tho if you have issues with deep and intense trauma I recommend you talk to professionals first. Exploring the past can cause things I think and make things worse when there is trauma.

[kabretoss]

dinosaur kid in the 90s, never accused of being a tomboy and used to love dresses until I went 180 and rejected them when I realized they were compulsory Girl Formalwear

blissfully don't think about gender throughout most of my teens

straight because boyfriend? have a minor panic when said boyfriend comes out to me as bi. have a Homophobic Moment(tm) when I think about my boyfriend leaving me for a boy

promptly eat my words about a year later when I'm having a sleepover with my bestie at the time and the thought occurs, unbidden, "if she were down I'd have sex with her"

(never made a move on that one. though later I'll find out a couple of my Girl Crushes at the time were queer)

cautiously and tentatively start thinking of myself as bi

start discovering I enjoy wearing masculine fashion

the hammer comes down hard on that one from my mom

for the next 10+ years I dress almost exclusively in baggy pants and hoodies. i am still undoing this damage.

BUT: the next time I end up with a Bestie Crush, I make a move and it goes well (hi @cherrehc!) (I end up marrying her. like 15 years later) (we like to take our time with things)

20s are an occasional sexuality buffet (with Cherry's thumbs-up) and I confirm that yes I do enjoy sex, and yes I do enjoy it with multiple genders

still not thinking about gender: am aware by this age of Transgender People and am cool with them but I've never felt like a boy so that's not what I am, right?

(Even if, when puberty really took hold, I felt completely alienated from my secondary sex characteristics? that's normal, feeling like your body isn't yours but is a barbie's, right? I'm hot and I like being hot, so I'm a cis girl, right??? people like my tits and I like that so I must be a cis girl, right????)

at the same time find myself playing nonbinary characters in RP situations before they are in vogue in the wider community.

(reading some of my old RP logs is wild. it is all RIGHT. THERE. in text from when I was 20 and had never heard the word nonbinary.)

(I have avoided RPing men up until about this point because "I don't know how to play a guy". women are already strange to me: men must be aliens.)

(then a particular character occurs and something clicks.)

fast forward to my early thirties. one of my best college friends is on T, has been calling himself a male name for years, and comes out first as nonbinary and then as a man.

wait.

wait.

wait.

if I'm not a girl I don't have to be a boy? I don't have to be a boy to not be a girl? well that's closer, but what does that leave me?

I hear the word agender.

grief.

the loss of so much time. looking back on this timeline of events and feeling the most profound sense of something gained, late, not too late but still so late. It's never too late to know yourself, but you lose time. You lose the ability to experience parts of your life, ones you can never relive, as your genuine self. In my case, I also may have lost the window in which I can safely medically transition, as other health issues have cropped up since I was young.

I will never get to be a young nonbinary person: I never was, because I was never allowed to imagine myself that was.

I was a "girl". I was an alienated, lonely girl, who didn't understand why she felt, even when invited, that female spaces were wrong and strange. There are other reasons for that too, but I think a huge part is gender. I was invited repeatedly into the world of the feminine by good women in my life, but I never went there. I didn't feel the pull of it, even when I wanted the friendship and companionship that seemed to live there.

I lived in limbo. I felt like -- not a gender failure, but a kind of nothing. An empty space. a void. I didn't have something missing, I was something missing.

it's a big grief. It's ameliorated by getting to see young people living as the people they are, watching others grow up with the self-knowledge I was never allowed to come to.

I don't know where all the agender people my age are: odds are good that attrition bore them into silence or suicide, or that life has not yet introduced the opportunity for them to learn better than how they were raised, or they're (like me) just so very fucking tired and unable to build community themselves. I know a few of y'all here fall into that category and I'm quietly collectively rooting for us, here; I know one or two others from my union and animation work.

But it brings me so much joy to see younger queer communities embracing gender diversity. Treasure it. It may still be an uphill struggle, and newly dangerous in a different way to be visible, but at least you're not lost alone and blind in the dark woods thinking that sight is a myth: you have each other, and you know what you are.

LGBTQ+ folk what was your gender/sexuality pipeline?

[the-diary-of-red-beryl]

To my 18 year old self

Writer's note: this one's a little messy editorially and some statements I've chosen not to elaborate on this time round, but I think overall it gets my feelings across fairly okay.

I met my younger self today. 18 year old me, to be exact. 

It had been a while, since I don’t have a consistent way of getting in touch with her. But this particular encounter came about after eating lunch. 

I do this thing where I forget to eat because I don’t notice my early hunger cues, so then I get ravenously hungry, and then I really crave a huge, heavy meal (today it was dry spicy hotpot noodles). I’m usually sad after eating this meal, for all sorts of reasons I think, like the disappointment following eating to fill a void of emptiness or loneliness, the loneliness of eating a meal alone, coming back to reality after the distraction of hunger subsides, or even just the onset of tiredness from my body digesting the food (tired = sad). Because the act of eating is me trying to cheer myself up, usually I panic when my mood drops after eating. 

I decided not to panic this time. I let the sadness wash over me, and then it happened.

I felt like I was 18 again, emotionally (something to do with the amygdala, schemas, emotional memory, etc.). Now, my range of emotions as an 18 year old were quite tragic, ranging from complete despair to sickening anxiety at best (I would have been in between my second and third attempts within a year). Typically I would feel a pit in my stomach if I were to feel these emotions exactly as my younger self did (nonono make it stop not this again) because in the past I would’ve worried over if I could survive returning to that place, but it felt different this time because I understood that this time round it was me reconnecting with my younger self. I actually felt happy that I was feeling sad. It's like meeting an old friend, whom you haven't seen in a long time but think about a lot from time to time.

“I have so much to tell you.”

Truthfully, I don't feel very much about my current self. I feel mediocre, unaccomplished, barely functioning basic adult tasks and still overthink way too much over small interactions and being perceived. But today I felt that the 18 year old me who sees me now as my 23 year old self, five years on, sees me in complete awe.

Reality is, I clawed my way through the last half decade painfully, making it this far by the skin of my teeth. And I feel that I have so much further to go and so much more to work on myself to be okay and finally be at peace. Every day is still hard to get through, and I’m just so tired still. But that 18 year old girl who sees me now, she cries because it’s beyond her wildest imaginations what she thought she could have or would become in these years since. 

I finished my university degree in three years with good grades, and from a notoriously difficult major at that, with a 33% course completion rate, after barely managing to finish highschool. I moved out of home at 20, and have been financially self-sufficient ever since. I work a high-paying full time job now, which I got offered even before graduating from my degree. I even own my own place, decorated how I like.

I'm covered in tattoos, have boy hair, and I’m physically healthier than ever. I have clothes that I like to wear and make me feel like me when I wear them. I'm happier with how I look now, especially now that I'm medically transitioning (didn't expect that one did ya). She's absolutely obsessed with what I changed my name to, too.

I have a very loving kitten that gives me little kisses every day. I got around to doing judo again, and piano, and reading, and learning Japanese, bass guitar, drawing, origami, cross-stitching, baking; all the things I thought I'd never have the energy to do again. 

The past few years, I've been so disconnected from life just trying to make it through and do what I thought I needed to do, that I haven't felt that I was truly living. Dissociation is a mechanism that works, but that’s the cost that it comes with. I don't regret it because I was doing the best I could with what I had, but I recognise that it no longer serves me as well now that I've created a safer environment for myself. 

Depression is the death of self-expression.

So, what do I want to tell my 18 year old self?

You are enough. You are not too much, and you’re not too little. You are enough.

I’m sorry that no one was able to tell you that growing up, that no one was there for you even in the worst of times when you needed them most. That you had to worry about things no 18 year old had business worrying over, that life felt so terribly bleak that you didn’t even want to see adulthood.

Life isn’t ‘good’ yet where I am now, and it might never be. I still don’t feel ‘okay’, and I still feel disconnected when people ask ‘how are you?’ or ‘are you happy?’ because I’m terrible at lying and it always feels so inauthentic to give a non-answer and hide myself. I still dread tomorrow as I struggle to sleep, and I still wake up in panic, as I dread the day that unforgivingly comes towards me. But I don’t wake up violently crying and shaking anymore. I can fall asleep alone now, albeit not easily. And I still feel so, so desperately lonely.

But the air smells fresh and very real as it passes through my lungs and sets it on fire. I notice the subtle colours in the sky, morning, day and night, and the smell of trees and flowers as I pass by, the feel of sand or concrete as I walk the paths of my neighbourhood.

My house is mine and mine only, and within it I am safe. No one can threaten me at home anymore, and I can laze around in bed and sleep in as much as I like. Here, no one can make me feel terribly flawed for existing as I am, no one can make me feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders for things that I was never ever meant to be responsible for. I don’t have to engage with people that make me feel unsafe, not anymore. 

I sing now, so much, in the four walls of my home, and with so much heart that I cry. I pour my heart out in my writing, even when it’s not addressed to anyone in particular. I still don’t particularly know my personality or who I really am, but I no longer feel as strongly that I need to fit in with others. I’ve stopped trying so hard to make connections work with nice people, or even not so nice people, and listen more to what my heart really wants. I don’t bend backwards for others anymore, nor do I bend backwards to do things I ‘should’ be doing. I simply just try to hold space to let myself be me, to exist as I am, and let myself grow and change the way I want to. I let my existence express itself as it interacts with this world. 

The tea and coffee I brew smells good, tastes sweet and is warm to the touch. There is always food at home, or out, which I can always afford. I allow myself to eat, to nourish my body and allow it to do the things it does to keep me alive. I keep an abundance of fruits and snacks in my house, and I bake often to share. People’s eyes light up when I offer them my baked goods, and they tell me how good it tastes.

I don’t feel any less lonely, but lately I’ve noticed more complicated expressions from some people in my life when they look at me, albeit briefly. I have none that I consider myself close to, but these people sometimes look at me like they have so much to say that is too hard to put into words. Nothing bad, but if I had to translate that look, it’s akin to something like, ‘I can tell how much you’ve been through, and you’re so incredibly strong for facing it and getting through.’ I don’t feel any less lonely, but I feel that I am sharing space with real people now where our lives intersect, whether through work or life, and these people feel human. 

I still don’t have someone that I can easily rely on for big things or small things, someone I can feel safe and willingly open up to, and share my experiences of being alive with. But it’s not something that makes me want to die anymore. I can live without it, indefinitely. I know that I’ll be okay now even if that person never comes, even if I never feel ‘fine’. Because I live this life for my own sake, to find out who I am in all my aspects, and appreciate that as I discover more and more about myself as I go on living.

I’m still as lonely as ever, but I think you’d appreciate that I did meet someone I find special. Probably because he reminded me of you, either someone who you wanted to become, or someone who you would’ve needed and appreciated having in your life at the time. Someone who is mutually attracted to me, who spoke to me first because he really liked something about me. Who I find so cool and amazing in terms of hobbies, endeavours, emotionally and intellectually. A person to whom I’ve written as raw as I could to, who seems to hear what I say even if he doesn’t say much in return. Who tries his best to find the right words and emotional energy to make me feel seen and heard, even when things are hard. His words and efforts speak volumes. He’s not always around, but I don’t find myself doubting his intentions like you had with your people. I’m not sure if this connection will culminate into something more or exist for long, but regardless it’s something I’ve deeply appreciated having experienced, because I know it’s what you needed to hear about. And I can tell you that life was worth living thus far just to experience this connection. From your time when everyone you were surrounded by felt like nothing more than trees, I can tell you that it’s possible to feel this way for another human and for them to feel something deeper for you, because it’s happened. It was possible. 

I feel like all my efforts in the last five years were so that I could go back and tell my younger self, ‘hey, I'm sorry it took so long. I'm here for you now.’ I needed to become the kind of person my 18 year old self felt that she could trust, rely on and open up to. Mentally she's next to me now, albeit briefly, as I offer to hold her hand and lead her through the next phase of my life. I'm not perfect and I've a long way to go, but I'm more confident that I'm strong enough now to be able to take her with me, because I know that I will always rise again after a fall, no matter what other challenges life may throw at me. Sometimes she’ll feel like leaving again because it doesn’t feel safe, or it feels too hard, and that’s okay. It’s okay to go back to somewhere that feels safe and familiar, and I will hold space for her and when things feel okay again she can choose to come out once more because she will always have a seat at this table.

[recoveringstoic]

Spiritual Principle a Day : Regardless of any current burdens, I will shine the light of gratitude on what's right in my life today and experience joy. Recovery has taught me that I can embrace multiple experiences at once.

I'm grateful for lots of things today. Before coming to the program, I thought "being grateful" extended to having a roof over my head. And even that was rocky at times, so I wasn't that grateful for it. I have a better understanding of gratitude now - I understand that it's a muscle you have to train. And I train my gratitude muscle every day by writing a list of three things in the world I'm grateful for, and one thing I'm grateful for in myself (something I did for myself). It doesn't mean I feel grateful in all moments, but I have a collection of lists that I can come back to whenever the world feels a little (or a lot) dark and heavy. On the wall across from my bed, I write the things I'm grateful for in myself on sticky notes. So when I just feel like laying in bed and dwelling in dark feelings, I'm forced to stare at a list of things I've done for myself to improve my life. And that's proven to be helpful.

I don't think I've ever considered that "I can embrace multiple experiences at once" before reading this meditation. And that's an idea I'm going to try and incorporate in my life. It definitely feels relevant to how I'm feeling today. I'm feeling extremely grateful for my recovery and some other things in my life that I've taken care of recently, but I'm also feeling fearful for the future and that's causing some distress. At a gay men's meeting last night, we read a reflection from Lavender Light about not taking gay marriage for granted. And I didn't think of it right away, but I kept reflecting after the meeting and it's made me think of trans rights and how I really can't take them for granted. Because they weren't always there in my lifetime, and they can be taken away at any time, especially if we follow the trend happening South of the border. And I really don't know how I would cope with that happening. I know I can't go back to living how I was. I've been feeling pretty good lately, in terms of not being suicidal, but I know I would kill myself if I had to get off my hormones. I'm not going back to living how I was. It might sound dramatic but I've never felt worse in my life and there was no hope of feeling any better until I started on hormones. I refuse to live a life where I can't live free to be who I am. And I'm coming to terms with this. I know it's selfish, but it is what it is. That doesn't mean I wouldn't go down swinging. I've had to fight for my right to transition before in a medical setting, and I'll do it again. But if I lose the fight, that's it for me.

[spe--vedit-ad--astra]

So. It is apparently time for me to sit and type long ass random tumblr posts about feelings. And considering I had some real big feelings this weekend and thought " I should probably journal about this" and then hasn't yet, but I am writing paragraphs about a 30 second thought-feeling that came up while watching tiktok.... maybe I should go ahead and start another post.

So. Read more if you want to hear a ramble about Feelings and realizing that, guess what, even when its been an unchanging fact for a few years, it still hurts like hell to be reminded that your parents hate your identity and only love the idea of you they have in their head.

Tw transphobia, mentions of suicidal thoughts, mentions of death

So. Friends got married this weekend. It was amazing. Loved seeing so many people I know and love, and so honored to be chosen to help some of my best friends celebrate.

It was in the context of mental health being a bit of a roller coaster - the past week being actually really really good, but the weeks / months before that being intermittently more of a struggle. And my feelings / memory / processing of this was impacted by some real big derealization / depersonalization the following day while I was thinking about it. So those combined probably magnified everything

Anyway. I was expected to be emotional - happy tears at seeing people I love be happy.

I was not expected to be emotionally crushed by the parent dance. It's not even like I am planning on getting married anytime soon, but all I could think that I was watching something I would never have - even if the stars align and I end up with a partner who wants to marry me, I can' t imagine a world right now where my parents are part of that day. Unless I pick up a lot of bravery to open the rift that is my transition with my parents; and if I do that, somehow balance the vunerability and the uncertainty with enough boundardies to not become suicidal, and if I manage that, then they actually listen and take the time to see what actually makes me happy; and then do the work to be accepting; and then take the time for it to sink in and them actually celebrate me for who I am --- unless all those steps happen, any big life event won't include family. Or it will be separate

/(aside - it's probably very strange that I've thought in detail about my funeral and what I would want, but I have legit been thinking I should write a letter to friends that if I die, I want them to let my parents bury me and mourn me however they want (which would be birth name / legal sex, etc); and ask my friends to hold a separate service to remember me as my preferred name. I'm not planning on dying. This probably doesn't really belong in this ramble and is just morbid and sad to bring up. But these are the kinds of things I get to have brainspace dedicated to and this is my blog to write about the sucky parts of having transphobic family.)/

Anyway. On a similar note, if I ever get married, I currently can't imagine a world where my parents and relatives and cousins and classmates and friends all intermingle and can celebrate me together. On a similar note, I'm not inviting my parents to residency graduation in a couple months, and I don't even feel I can mention it to them in case they ask why or feel insulted I'm not inviting them. I can still remember exactly how it felt to hear my parents say they weren't sure if they could go to medical school graduation if their daughter wasn't going to be there. I think I might be the only person who was very very sad but also kinda grateful when COVID cancelled graduation because it meant my parents and classmates didn't have a chance to interact.

And I've been thinking recently about opening this can of worms again, and asking my mom if she's thought about gender at all in the past 3-4 years, if she is aware I'm still going by he/him/they/them and my preferred name, if she is aware I am hiding away parts of myself and hiding away my joy in order for them to feel comfortable, asking if she wants to talk about it again, trying to explain things again now that I'm older and feel a little better at setting boundaries and holding my own opinions when someone disagree's with me. But I don't know what will happen. I know it will be uncomfortable, and scary, and it will hurt me and her, and it will make every conversation feel like a landmine again. I don't know how the process will go this time. Will my mom accept that I can think for myself? Will she listen to understand or just to argue? How long will it last? How bad will my depression get this time?Will I be able to stay alive and stay functional and still living my life? And on top of all of that, I don't know what the outcome will be. Will I lose my family completely? Will they accept me? Could they ever celebrate me? Or will we end up right where we started again? .............. I've been meteophorically been staring all of that certain pain with uncertain outcome and trying to think through the why - why would it be worth it?

So..... seeing a peer be surrounded by everyone she loves, all these people from different areas of her life, people that have known her since birth, and knowing that right now, most people I could invite to a celebration for my preferred name met me after age 20, and seeing her dance at her wedding with her parents, knowing that either I will never have that; or that getting to a point where that is possible will take so much work and mean enduring so much pain and uncertainity... it just cut me to my core.

Sometimes I feel like I've recovered from the trauma I went through with my mom trying to convince being trans was harmful and wrong and crazy, and the grief of having to protect my life from her, and the shame of feeling like I have to protect her from my life, and the upheaval of my worldview to accept this new normal.

And them sometimes I am blindsided; sometimes there are times like this when I stumble and fall through the tissue paper that was patching over a gaping hole in my heart.

[doberbutts]

I was tagged but I will state that things are a little different for me because I am intersex and thus have pretty much always been assumed to be already on T or just a low T cis guy by partners I've had as an adult.

This is what I looked like pre-T, on a first date, about 3 years ago.

And me in the same outfit in a photo I literally just took right now, except I'm headed to bed so I don't have any hair gel or accessories more than what I sleep with unlike when I'm all dolled up to make a good first impression. And I need a haircut 😅 just shy of 2 years on T

Anyway, in the "before" photo I was just starting a relationship with a cis gay man who quite frankly I don't think I'd loved anyone more than I loved him. We had a very happy time together and I often consider him the one that got away, we split for completely unrelated reasons to my transition and I still consider him the closest thing I've ever had to the love of my life. He simply had many demons, and he preferred to fight them alone.

I had never felt stronger as a man and as an attractive, sexual being than when I was with him. I had not had any surgeries or any drop of prescription testosterone at that time. I remember sitting on his lap with one of his hands spread across my chest over the binder and touching a ray of euphoria so strong that I've been riding that high ever since. How easily the two of us fit together, satisfied each other physically and emotionally, and nurtured that seed of love and trust and affection between us. I was truly, truly happy with him. I hope he is doing well.

I have exclusively dated mlm or nblm even prior to starting any social transition, even before I knew I was transgender myself. My first boyfriend was a cis gay kid who only broke up with me because he thought he should after he figured out he liked guys exclusively- in fact when I bumped into him as a now-passing adult he outright stated that if I had told him I was trans back then he wouldn't have left. Of course, I didn't know back then, either.

I'm not saying there haven't been bad experiences- there have. I've unfortunately dated my share of guys who say they know what they're asking for and then balk at the situation when it's actually in front of them. But I also can say that I have found a lot of truly wonderful happiness even before I started hormones.

In honesty, I have not had a real relationship since that guy and I quit. I've gone on some dates, had some fun nights, but nothing has quite satisfied me like him. Maybe I am still hung up on him. But I can tell you that pre-medical-anything me had no problem finding guys who wanted me, and while my desire to search is currently fairly low, I'm sure currently-taking-T me will continue the trend whenever my interest in finding a partner sparks again.

sorry if this is weird but i wanted to ask somebody, do you have any experience with the general experience of being transmasc and queer and dating? like, even pre-op/hormones?

immm not the best person to ask this cuz I don’t socialize irl like at all lol but I did have 1 relationship when i was 16 which turned into a lasting friendship, fresh out the egg with a cis guy and he always saw me as a guy. i hadn’t even chopped my hair yet or bought boy clothes. i don’t have much to say besides that it is possible even if you don’t pass or aren’t on hormones/surgery, that ppl will still love you and be attracted to you as you are.

[cipheramnesia]

Genuine question; how did you know you're a trans woman? I've been trying to figure out my gender for years now and i think i might be trans-fem but it's so hard to figure out and it's kinda scary

Everyone does it a bit differently so don't worry too much. Probably the biggest concerns are if you have somewhere safe to play around with gender, and someone supportive of you. It's something that's easier to figure out if you practice a bit, and also one of the reasons why trans people having better support networks has been so important.

I like to mention therapy up front, because that is a person whose job is theoretically supposed to be helping you figure your shit out, helping you figure out what you need, and coming up with some ways to at least work towards those needs. Theoretically, because the range of quality between therapists can also be wide. Not all therapists are experienced with trans people, and gender has enough diversity of range that not all therapists with trans experience would necessarily be aware of trans existing beyond a gender binary. So, finding a therapist is a bit of a process - it's a time and cost investment and for some people is the right solution, but be aware that you need to make sure your therapist has a good knowledge of what it's like with being trans. OK, so that's the whole mechanical thing done.

Two reasons I mention therapy up front is that when I was young that was just the done thing, and also I didn't transition with any kind of therapy aspect, so I feel compelled to note it based on my lack of experience. It wasn't for me - maybe for someone else?

For me, I had a pretty supportive friend group and a safe environment. I was able to spend a little time experimenting with gender and kind of living with the idea of myself as this or that. I think all told it was about a year of seeing myself as cis but just wearing "girl clothes" or some form of nonbinary, but for me specifically I only felt right as a woman. And there was a lot of agonizing and worries I worked through, like being sure I was never ever going to be trans, then being sure there was no possible way to go on HRT, talking it over with my wife, coming to terms with the possibility I'd be a bald lady. I was struggling with the potential of having to spend years living full time out before even having access to any medical transition (a former and current prerequisite in many countries), you know. For me, my mind was trying to come up with any reason NOT to be a trans woman.

Now I'm gonna pause here because it could all be different for someone else. Maybe someone is just a guy who like girl clothes (like the youtube girl month guy). Maybe someone explores messing with gender and discovers they like some or all or none and goes with agender or nonbinary or genderpunk or so forth. For me, these were ideas I explored but were not ones which, at those times or currently, fit who I am. For the future, who knows? Gender may be subject to change, terms and conditions apply.

OK so back to me. How I knew is like, I anguished my way through all these different ideas, and at a certain point I concluded, after examining and re-examining my own mind, I was a trans woman, just generally that what fit on me was woman, and I started working to undertake a medical transition, because I concluded that's what I wanted. And it was a relief. It was terrifying, because I made the decision to go for at the end of 2016, and started my transition in early 2017, and you can imagine how being trans felt at that time.

But for me, I think, what stands out among all the personal worries and political turmoil is that a certain point things just fit, and me being trans is one of the few things I never felt was a mistake. Which, admittedly there's like one percent of trans people that genuinely feel it was wrong and de-transition (maybe less tbh), but the majority of us are pretty happy with being trans, and I also think that's one of the signs that it's the right direction. It makes you happy when you get to experience being you, and the more you get to be yourself, the better you feel. Even if trans femme ends up not you, you're on the right track if something about moving away from being cis makes you feel more correct about yourself.

I like to call it "feeling correct" because everything else makes it seem like I was mistaken about being cis or unhappy about being cis or somehow me before transition was this trial and tribulation, which was not the case. In retrospect, absolutely I wish I'd know to start down the gender exploration road sooner, but the feeling that really cemented transitioning in my mind was seeing myself as a woman and everything about it feeling correct. It was just accurate, it was the shape in the world I felt like I fit.

The future, I don't know, maybe I'll keep changing. I doubt it right now, but I spent 35+ years pretty confident about being a cisgender guy. I was fairly lucky in my transition, it helped a lot. My hairloss worries ended up being inconsequential, HRT did a lot of impressive renovating to my shape, I got what I wanted out of transition by and large. I went with informed consent for HRT, only did therapy after starting and it was mostly "I know more about this than you."

However, if that all is pushed aside, I went forward with all this fully conscious that nothing I wanted to happen might happen, that if nothing but the bare minimum of transition happened for me, it was what felt like me regardless. I don't think it needs to be that certain either. Sometimes gender is like a feeling of overpowering need, but sometimes it's just like picking a soda flavor you now? It could be "I need this to live" or it could be "Hm, that looks nice." With me it was something that felt obvious as could be, and that's about how it stayed.

[uncle-fruity]

[Image description: a sceenshot of user @fen-thenobling replying to a different post. The comment reads:

Hi, sorry, I know this is probably annoying but, I really want to go on T to deepen my voice, but I'm really scared of losing my hair.. I can't find any good direct sources from trans people, just vague medical papers. My hair is really important to me, it's something that I take pride in and that people talk about and compliment a lot and I play with it and I really don't want to lose it. Could you, if you have the ability to, maybe talk about your hair?

END Image Description]

So fen-thenobling asked this in the replies of that positivity post about T & singing. I hope you're okay with me answering this question this way. Also, not annoying at all that you asked -- I welcome talking about this stuff, and my ask box is always open if you ever wanna talk more. Anyway, I have a lot to say about this, so I wanted to give it its own post!

So, I haven't noticed a significant thinning in my hair so far. I'm officially one year on T, and I'm 30-years-old, as a point of reference. My hairline has changed a bit, but nothing dramatic, mostly just squared out a bit. I'm pretty sure my mom's side men have some balding patterns, so that's probably going to be my fate down the road. Then again, my dad has pretty thick hair still, so maybe I'll take after him. Hard to say, though I tend to resemble my mom's side in general, so 🤷 I also shaved my head a few years back, and that really helped me process some feelings about my hair before I ever started T.

That said. You know, taking T comes with a lot of changes, and you have to be prepared for the possibility of any or all of them. Personally, my logical/self-comforting thought process is that no one gets to choose everything about the body they have. I've known cis women who have extremely thin hair/are balding. I've known cis guys who kept their thick hair until they died of old age. I have a friend whose brothers all had white hair before they were in their mid-30s. I've known people who have lost their hair due to cancer treatments or other medical situations.

I know that's not necessarily a comfort to someone who is afraid to lose their hair, but this is my point: bodies are so varied and unique that it's hard to say what will and won't happen to your hair on T without my having a better understanding of biology and your particular genes (which probably isn't going to happen). However, it is my opinion that no matter what direction your body grows and changes, it will be a beautiful act of creation and existence. I often feel alone in these sentiments, but I think all bodies are important and beautiful in their own ways. I do a lot of work to really internalize that viewpoint, because I think it's important to recognize how dang incredible and unique existence is. Besides, I know from experience that all types of people are attracted to people for things that are not even close to mainstream beauty standards.

So, I guess all that to say... T is a big decision to make. I won't sugarcoat it. If you have a lot of balding folks in your family, then you may share the same pattern of hair loss, and that will be something I suggest you come to terms with before you start T. If that ends up being a deal breaker, that's extremely valid. Only you get to decide how to prioritize your transition goals, and it's important that you weigh the pros and cons for yourself.

Personally, I don't think it's such a tragedy to go bald. It wasn’t even a concern of mine when I decided to start T, despite having a pretty nice head of hair myself that I have a lot of positive feelings about. Certainly, it feels good to have a nice head of hair/hairstyle that's important to your own self image, and I would never mock anyone for being disappointed in losing a part of their appearance that they really felt good about or admired for. But I guess I just want to say that if you do end up experiencing that: you are more than your hair, your self worth isn't solely based on your hair, and there will always be something about you that people will want to compliment and gush about. You will always have traits that make you shine.

I think the idea of knowingly making permanent changes to your body can feel really scary. I think there's a feeling in some transmascs that if their transition doesn't perfectly match their vision, if they don't turn out to be their version of Hot, then they'll be the ones who are to "blame" for losing the nice things they liked about their old bodies. That can feel like a difficult burden to shoulder. I think that stems from the fearmongering/coercive detransition tactics we face as well as how often so many of our bodies have been objectified by society, how many of us have internalized that we have to be attractive to be worthy. But the truth is that no one has full control over the future of their bodies, and it's important to know that everyone's bodies will change with time in so many different ways. What's important is that you learn how to adapt to that change as it comes. What's important is that you enjoy the ongoing creation of yourself.

But, you know, for some actual comfort, T doesn't rapid-fire make your hair fall out when you start to take it, and especially if you're young, you probably don't have to worry about balding until at least your mid-to-late 30s -- but I'm pretty sure the average age for balding is older than that even. If you can ask about the hair patterns of cis men in your family & get a timeline of when they started to lose hair, you'll have a better idea of what to expect for yourself. I would also suggest you really explore your fear surrounding hair loss. What qualities do you think you would lack if you don't have your hair? Are there other qualities that can take that place? Are you afraid of letting yourself or other people down? Are you afraid of regret? What is the worst case scenario if you lost your hair? What's the best case scenario if you go on T? Can you find comfort if you end up compromising one thing for another? I think exploring those root emotions will help you process the subject and help you decide how to move forward.

Anyway, I'm rambling at this point. I really think you will make the decision that feels right for you, but I hope you don't fear your future self whichever path you choose. You don't owe anyone your hair, nor do you owe anyone to rush your decision about hormones. People who love and respect you will support you and trust you to make decisions for yourself. And I'll be rooting for you to find the direction that makes you happiest.

Hopefully that helps! Please lmk if you have any thoughts or feelings about this! Mine is only one perspective, and you've asked a guy who is extremely comfortable with & honestly revels in the idea of having an "imperfect" body. I can sometimes be annoyingly optimistic/passionate about this stuff, so please forgive me. I just really love transitioning & becoming a new version of myself & everything that comes with it.

[genderqueerpositivity]

February 13th, 2022 -> 11 months on testosterone

I haven't done a single side-by-side photo comparison in the past 11 months. I haven't felt the need to, but I'm beginning to be curious? I may do this for myself at one year. I've tried to stop impatiently looking for changes, and I've definitely tried to stop comparing myself to other people's transition timelines online. When I do try to compare my self to others, I've found that comparison really is the thief of joy.

Mostly when I look in the mirror I just see me, a little more hairy and with a little more acne. My hairline is a little different, and maybe my hair is a little thinner at the front around my forehead.

But I don't see any major differences. At the same time, my neurodivergent ass has no actual memory of what I used to look like. I know that I didn't always have this hair on my belly but I am literally incapable of remembering what my body looked like without it. There's no mental picture that goes along with the memory. Which is cool honestly, but also I think this contributes to me feeling like I haven't seen many effects from testosterone.

I also stopped using the voice pitch analyzer app months ago. I no longer have any of the recordings I made of my voice week one and in the early months because I lost everything on my phone last year. So I really don't have much to compare to except the screenshots from the voice app that I posted on this blog.

I know that I sound different and I enjoy the change. I like my voice now. I disliked my voice pre-T and I absolutely hated hearing my voice recorded. The first memory I have of that was being in a video in sixth grade at school (so on an actual video tape) and crying after we watched the video together as a class. I specifically remember not recognizing the voice in that video as my own. I don't know if I was really aware of what I sounded like to other people before that? But after that I always carried that feeling of not recognizing or owning the voice that came out of my own mouth. I avoided being recorded, hated giving speeches, hated talking on the phone, would never sing in front of anyone willingly again.

I grew up being made fun of for the way that I spoke. I remember being asked where I was from many times, all the way through school and into college, even though I had lived in the same town for all of my life (minus the first few weeks after I was born) up to that point. I was born in an Appalachian state and somehow ended up with a very strong accent in spite of living there a very short time; even my parents occasionally still tell funny stories about not being able to understand what the fuck I was saying as a kid.

Being uncomfortable with the sound of ones own voice is a terrible thing; while I like the sound and depth of my voice now, I'm still working on liking the way I speak. Testosterone has eased the gender dysphoria. Having moved to Appalachia a few years ago, people now ask me which local high school I went to and are surprised when I say that I didn't grow up here. But I'm still working on being okay with the way that I speak and use words, and with echolalia and my vocal stims. Trying to sound neurotypical is unfortunately necessary at times, but I'm never going to be "good" at that, you know?

I've spent almost a year medically transitioning in plain sight but also in secret. It's been weird and rewarding. I feel a great deal of ownership over my own body--this is mine to do what I choose with. Only telling the few people in my life who I know will be 100% supportive has given me the space to figure out my own feelings and enjoy the process of transitioning--without having to deal with the confusion or hatred that would inevitably come if I told those who I know wouldn't be fully supportive.

Honestly, at first keeping this mostly to myself felt dishonest. Now it feels necessary. I'm protecting myself and ensuring I have a good experience transitioning and good memories of the process. People who wouldn't be supportive don't deserve to know or be involved, no one is entitled to this part of my life. This is my body, my decision, my transition, my future.

Maybe it's odd, but the less physical dysphoria I have, the less social dysphoria I have. It matters less if you don't believe that I'm trans because I know that I am. I still want to change my name once I've found my middle name. I still wish that I could count on my pronouns being respected all the time. But someone else being wrong about who I am doesn't change who I am. And anyway, existing in this weird space between the binary genders isn't entirely uncomfortable to me?

One thing testosterone therapy has done is make me more certain that medically transitioning is right for me. I'm not really sure where to begin with the process of top surgery or hysterectomy, but I'll be working on it. Within the next year I'm working on changing several things in my life, so we'll see what happens.