#i've experienced it myself with so many of my own relationships and yet it still baffles me when i see it happen all the same

[shinjaeha]

thinking about how gyu ho was quite literally the light and love of young's life. how when they first meet, he's the one that presses that bottle to his mouth and asks if he's okay when young gets knocked down. how he travels all that way to young's apartment just to put his curtains up for him when he sees how the light bothers him when he sleeps. how he's the metaphorical ray of sunlight on young's face coming through the gap in those very curtains when he's counting all his moles.

how he's always smoothing out the crease between young's eyebrows when he's worried, like he's trying to smooth away his troubles. how his acceptance of kylie is so easy and simple bc he knows that it's something that young has opened up and trusted him with. something that he's never told another soul about, and it's understandably something painful for young to be so vulnerable about. how he tells young that he's still the same person with or without kylie. everything about gyu ho is a balm. the way he soothes and reassures. the way he loves.

that scene when they're kissing in the club for the last time encapsulates the very essence of their relationship imo. young doubting and constantly asking what happens if they argue again once they're back home, and gyu ho answering him so easily and honestly with "then we'll make up!" over and over again bc it really IS that simple for him. simple in a way that it's not for young who is never able to get past the doubt and insecurity of it all.

[sugar-grigri]

Hey! Have you noticed the visual parallels between the gun fiend and Chainsaw man in this latest (152th) chapter?

The parallel between Aki and Denji in the last chapter

No, I hadn't noticed, and I like that others have because I might have an explanation for this parallel.

Fujimoto likes parallels, but this time he does it the other way round. Let me explain: for me, and according to my interpretation, he had already made an explicit reference to chapters 78/79 in this chapter:

Chapter 142 exploited Denji's relationship with others, but also with being a CSM, just as Fumiko's speech only reinforces the fact that even when she places herself as a victim, she reinforces Denji's position as a martyr.

Even when Fumiko argues that she saw CSM as a child, the chapter proves her wrong, whether through her unsuccessful manipulation techniques, her many contradictions, but above all her behaviour is typical, allowing Denji to deny the pain he suffered by killing his brother.

I won't go into it again ((if you want to know more, the link is above)) the only thing you need to remember here is that Fujimoto still intends to exploit Aki's death, albeit in a subtle, poetic way in part 2.

In chapter 152, Denji suffers because he has decided to; his suffering is his own, he demands it and even sees it as a means of experiencing pleasure. What's more, this chapter follows on from chapters 150/151 in Denji's claim to his own identity: I WANT to be CSM, and no one is going to stop me. The negative consequences are mine because I've decided to.

Whereas during his confrontation with Aki, Denji's identity was stolen by his "fans" (a theme dealt with in chapter 142), who positioned themselves as the only suffering parties (ignoring Denji's), and it was the frightened, bruised men and women who decided that CSM had to save them, had to act and kill.

So chapter 152 is more than an awakening, it's Denji who takes back the right to suffer if he has decided to do so. Before, it was always the others who decided, but instead of taking the plunge and saying: I'll never let myself suffer again, this time the martyr doesn't want his suffering to be taken away from him.

Because if we take away Denji's suffering, he won't turn into a CSM anymore

If that's taken away, his memories of Power and Aki are fragmented

These last two sentences are actually linked, because Denji has learnt to love just as much as he has learnt to suffer through Aki and Power. Aki's curse is to have been possessed by his sworn enemy, the Gun Devil, who reclaims his rights over the man who tried to resist him: to be there to make Aki's family suffer, always, even the second time around.

As the curse repeats itself, Aki's mind is stuck in his childhood, when it hadn't yet been broken, so he's blindly enjoying himself. Because, paradoxical though it may sound, it was when Aki realised the cruelty of this world, the loss of loved ones, that he tried to protect his family - the greatest act of love. Suffering is an awareness.

Aki had gambled on his suffering before, wasting his years of life with almost no ties. And when he began to change his perception of wanting to do something for his family, those wasted years didn't leave him enough time to protect his second family.

While he was escaping the suffering of his first family, he didn't even realise that he was causing the second to suffer. Fate was simply amused.

It is just as much for Power, a bestial being by nature who has already learnt about the suffering of losing loved ones with Meowy's kidnapping, Aki's anguish possessed at the door, bringing a birthday cake to Denji as an act of kindness, before realising that she would rather die than let Denji die. Suffering is also what brings destinies together and intertwines them.

Power and Aki are symbols of the same thing: when suffering began to be reflected in others, materialising in the fear of losing a loved one, fate turned against them.

So what Denji is doing is a narrative attempt to free himself from his fate, if he starts to fear more for Nayuta than for himself, if he stops being CSM for her, then the passage of suffering turned against oneself, there will always be someone to catch the ball. So Denji ends the cycle.

Denji will see no-one but his pain, Pochita, he will ignore even the flames that tore him away from his animal family, he will push back to Nayuta. It's a retreat into his own identity in the final chapter, a futile attempt to escape from a pain even worse than the pain of being cut in two, the pain of seeing another part of himself ripped away: a loved one.

Now we've pretty much understood the parallel. But don't forget the beginning of this post, Denji is doing exactly what Aki is doing.

Chapter 152 is the hero's attempt to regain control of his destiny, as if suddenly aware of the suffering inherent in the work, wanting to reverse it, to turn it into pleasure.

But he will not escape his fate. Denji may laugh, but only fate will have the last laugh.

[cody-00]

This advice leaves me floored. If I read these panels a few years ago, who knows how my college journey could have gone.

A workshop class of mine had an assignment similar to the one in Blue Period where I had to discover a poetry collection of my liking. Then, I had to write a few poems in conversation with the author and a written response mixing analysis of the collection and the thought process behind my poems. Once that part was submitted, the class gave a brief presentation of their project. My confidence throughout the course was low for a few reasons. I've never been well-read in poetry but took an upper-level course out of necessity, thus being surrounded by smart, earnest, and more experienced peers. Furthermore, I knew a classmate secretly found me obnoxious towards the end of the previous semester in another workshop class, making me paranoid about whether I misread the quality of goodwill of my most basic actions and if many others felt a similar, justifiable distaste towards me.

Nothing felt quite right after sampling a list of collections recommended to me by my professor based on my style. I settled on one where some poems clicked, some didn't. Here's where the third reason for my insecurity kicked in: it was poetry within my home region—a place I have a complicated relationship with.

A hatred of where I grew up made the idea of escaping to an out-of-state college attractive, but lack of funds and merit landed me in an in-state university. Instead of being bitter about it, I changed my approach. I acknowledged that I was possibly an edgy young adult who needed a change in perspective from more like-minded people, leading figures, and academics within the region to truly appreciate my home.

That hunch still doesn't have a great answer (especially since I didn't follow my intended approach with as much determination as I should have), but my efforts led to a weird yet relevant consequence: the exposure to differing attitudes and perspectives from my own made me feel like an outsider to the very place I grew up in. Identifying and calibrating any of those people's attitudes and experiences with my own felt like a struggle, and knowing their prestige made me question the authenticity and accuracy of my self-concept. Putting my feelings into terms used by Blue Period, I feared that my perspective was no better than (and the same as) a tourist despite being a local my whole life.

The same self-skepticism crept in when analyzing my chosen poetry anthology. Inevitably, a fork in the road laid before me: do I express antagonism despite my ignorance in the field, the possibility of furthering distaste upon me amongst my peers in my resistance and implied negativity, and a cultural image that seemed so firmly established to where it threatened to undermine my own; or do I commit to an effort in understanding the work so deeply that it surrenders my ego?

The first option… I couldn't bring myself to do it… It felt too arrogant. All those fears compelled a conclusion that there must have been something wrong with me that needed to change. As a result, I tried to put myself in the poet's shoes by mimicking the collection's style. I thought that could have allowed something to click and, if not, I was at least maintaining respect for the poet.

My professor gave feedback on my submission. It's essentially the same idea Blue Period teaches and warns its readers about, with added salt to the wound of the implication that my presentation still hinted ambivalence despite not wanting to. Here's the screenshot:

Did Blue Period allow me to understand the meaning of my professor's advice? A final project for the course required revisions of a few poems of choice out of a variety written throughout the semester. I picked one of the poems from this assignment since a route for improvement looked clear. Despite understanding what my professor meant, the real possibility that those changes were motivated by catering to the one deciding my grade for the course erodes any confidence towards the ideal interpretation of substantiating a newfound maturity in my artistic approach. To clarify, I'm not criticizing my professor—the fact that she identified the repercussions of my problematic approach feels like a miracle. Yet, reading these recent Blue Period chapters let me go a layer deeper.

It's not a straightforward lesson, though. My story doesn't quite align with Yatora's, and identifying the differences allows me to learn from the story with more nuance. Yatora loves Bacon and knows more about him, contrasting with my attitude towards my poet of choice. More pressure was put on me in this regard, for there is a more unsavory aspect in criticizing a poet one has no real attachment towards versus one whom respect has already been made clear. My professor also notes a silver lining that comes with a willingness in trying learn from an author that one doesn't gel with.

Furthermore, Blue Period likes to show how complex and ambivalent navigating through the world of art can be, so I can't dismiss the possibility of the manga throwing a wrench in what seems to be one of the series' most straightforward lessons in a later chapter.

There's great comfort in being able to relate to something I thought was, if not nonexistent to others, left unsaid. Being able to capture this feeling is a testament to the realism in the manga's exploration of art and character work. Blue Period gives a reassurance and almost ironic realization that, even if I struggle to relate to stories near where I live, I can identify with even the most niche feelings and circumstances in stories on the other side of the world.

If I could have done things differently, avoiding antagonism still would've been the right choice, but I'd be looser in how I drew inspiration from my selected poet. Funnily enough, this stumble and the subsequent lesson could have been avoided. I initially disqualified a different recommended poetry collection (i.e., Obit by Victoria Chang) due to it only being accessible digitally. I read it a little before the course ended anyway and loved it. It's tough to call whether how things turned out was the most enriching path compared to a hypothetical scenario where I found and chose Obit instead, but I'd like to think so.

[mirai-e-jump]

Kamen Rider Gotchard: Final Stage | Pamphlet (pages and translations below, long post)

Motojima Junsei (Ichinose Houtaro)

Q. If you were to call out to Ichinose Houtaro now?

A. Thank you so much for your energy over the past year! In the beginning, there were alot of things we didn't understand about each other (laughs). I was able to live as Ichinose Houtaro, and Houtaro's determination to never give up reached those who support Kamen Rider, and I myself was always encouraged by Houtaro. For the moment I get to live as Houtaro again somewhere, thank you.

Q. What did Gotcha stand for through Kamen Rider Gotchard's show?

A. Gotcha taught me the importance of facing the obstacles in front of you, never giving up, the importance of working together with my friends, and the feelings of everyone who supports you! Going forward, I'll keep this in mind as I continue on!!

Q. Please tell us your favorite episode and the reason why!

A. Episode 27's "Gotcha! Crosshopper!" is my absolute favorite! Thanks to Houtaro's power of belief and determination to never give up, everyone believed in him and risked their lives to pass the baton to him. Houtaro was able to tell the Chemies and himself, "Don't give up!!," so I think that Houtaro was also able to show a huge amount of growth in this episode.

-I get the feeling that the story of Ichinose Houtaro and his friends isn't over yet-

This past year has truly "gone by in the blink of an eye." During filming of Kamen Rider Gotchard I had almost no experience in acting, and I was starting from a place where I didn't know what was right and what was left, but thanks to the support of the many staff members, cast, and fans, I managed to successfully finish filming. Every day, I had many things to reflect on, and there were times when I felt like falling apart, but the many voices of support was a source of power for me. It was a pleasure to play the character of Ichinose Houtaro. I feel like I want to do it for another year (laughs).

We finished filming with the scene after we enter into the cube in the final episode. The flow was that it went from Houtaro's parting with Clotho, to his anger toward Glion and his transformation. I was incredibly happy that filming ended with the transformation. With the final enemy also being Glion, I naturally got into things. After meeting his future self in the film "The Future Daybreak," Houtaro also knows what'll happen if he loses to Glion. With an enemy he can't afford to lose to, Houtaro goes into a decisive battle. Still, in the beginning, Houtaro was one of the newest students at the Alchemy Academy, but over the past year, the number of his friends has increased. I think Houtaro himself has become stronger, but it's more important that he's now able to work together with everyone. This is also something I can say about myself, since I've met so many people through the filming of Gotchard. In my own way, I think I was able to change.

Clotho's last words were also memorable. I feel that the gradual change in the relationship between the Three Dark Sisters was an interesting aspect of Gotchard's drama. Alittle while ago, Miyahara-san and I had the opportunity to train together at the gym. At that time, I was told, "You've worked really hard this past year," and even during the performance, Houtaro and Clotho give me a supportive push……I experienced a feeling that Houtaro and myself were linked.

In the final episode, there's a scene where Houtaro's mother sends him off to battle, knowing that he's a Kamen Rider. Minamino Yoko-san, who plays Tamami, sent me a LINE after we finished filming our last scene together. She wrote, "I'll always stand by Junsei-kun's side no matter what happens, you did your best this past year." True to her word, Minamino-san has encouraged me countless times. I'm truly grateful from the bottom of my heart for her treating me so kindly like a real mother.

I was surprised at the development that Houtaro would end up creating a New Earth. It's surprising that he's become such a great alchemist, but as I read the script like usual I was like, "What do you mean?!" (laughs). I think Houtaro will be exploring the New Earth with his friends at the Alchemy Academy from now on, and since I want Gotchard to remain in the hearts of the fans even after it finished airing, I was happy with this last scene. The battle may be over, but I get the feeling that the story of Houtaro and his friends isn't over yet, so I wonder if people will be imagining what to expect next. Of course, I'm personally looking forward to seeing the "continuation" of the story in some form.

Playing the role of Ichinose Houtaro made me realize that the profession of an actor is fun and rewarding. I think I was supported more by everyone in this work. I also received many messages of support and appreciation from those who truly enjoy Gotchard's broadcast. I'm amazed that a production I was involved in, or a role I played can give power and excitement to someone……From now on too, I want to encounter productions that can have a positive impact on someone's life, and for this reason, I intend to continue my efforts and growth. I'll always remember the words of advice that Director Tasaki gave me, such as, "A character is driven by the heart's engine" and "Let the cup (of emotion) overflow on set."

I'm very excited about the Final Stage. We start with Osaka, then Fukuoka, Aichi, and then Tokyo, four cities in total. I've been to several events in the past, and was able to directly meet with everyone who supported me in person, and I've really enjoyed all of them. This'll be the final time, and although I'm sad, I want to express my gratitude to everyone with all of my heart. Please burn the image of an energetic Ichinose Houtaro into your memory, as I want to do this for the next 100 years.

Please make sure to look forward to it. And with that, I'll see you at the venue!

Matsumoto Reiyo (Kudo Rinne)

Q. If you were to call out to Kudo Rinne now?

A. I'm glad I was able to live as Rinne! Thank you!

Q. What did Gotcha stand for through Kamen Rider Gotchard's show?

A. Gotcha means "heart"! It was a year in which I could feel everyone's love, and I was really happy that Kudo Rinne was loved by everyone. From now on, I'll work as hard as I can to return the favor!!

Q. Please tell us your favorite episode and the reason why!

A. It's episode 48! "No matter how hard it gets, the way you live your life is decided through your own heart!" I really love that line, and Rinne taught me something very important. And, seeing Rinne's growth made me very happy.

-I think that "Matsumoto Reiyo" disappeared from my mind and I became "Kudo Rinne"-

When I was cast to perform in Kamen Rider Gotchard, what I kept in mind was to perform each and every scene with great care. In particular, as filming progressed into the second half of the show, I felt that my concentration on set had increased.

When we filmed "The Future Daybreak" in Shimane, we filmed until the very last minute, just in time to catch our flight back home, but while I was acting, I had completely forgotten about such things. I wasn't consciously trying to forget, but I think at that time, "Matsumoto Reiyo" disappeared from my mind and I became "Kudo Rinne." I was scared beforehand because it was Rinne's final moments, but when it came time to perform the real thing, as Rinne, I couldn't stop crying. I have tons of other memories from the film. The cuts where I was suspended in the air were fun, and I enjoyed being in that state while constantly asking the people around me, "How many more cuts are there now?" and "It's not over yet, is it?" It's an experience you don't get to have very often, and the moment when the height gradually increased was a great feeling (laughs). However, the setup was that I was captured, so I was careful not to let my joy show on my face. All the staff members knew though (laughs). If there's another opportunity, I want to be suspended in the air again.

Similarly, I enjoyed riding behind Kamen Rider Gotchard on his bike. Being suspended and riding on a bike, for me it was like a treat. Even if you appear in the Kamen Rider series, it's not something you're always guaranteed to experience, so I think it was a valuable experience.

I was surprised when I read the final part of episode 47 in the script. I also didn't know that the model for Atropos was Rinne, and there was a line (by Gaelijah) that by doing the ritual, the model would die, so I was worried and was like, "Rinne-chan, are you going to die again?!" And so from there, until I got the final script……even before I received the scripts for episodes 48 to the final episode, I received only bits and pieces of information, which made me even more worried. I heard something about a new form called Twilight Majade, but it was the appearance I took after absorbing Atropos, so I wondered, "What does it mean by absorb?"

So, when I received the final script and read it, I read it alone as I was prepared to cry. The parting scene with Atropos still hurts. However, the scene where Rinne (Majade) says to Gaelijah, "No matter how hard it gets, the way you live your life is decided through your own heart!," was very moving.

Even during filming, I put alot of effort into the scene where Atropos disappears. Just like in the film, I was able to concentrate so much, that I forgot the camera was there, but on take 1. Director Tasaki said to me, "You haven't quite worked through your emotions yet, huh?" I felt alittle inadequate, so I was grateful to be given another chance. That scene was given the OK on take 2.

When she's not in character, Okita Itono-chan, who plays Atropos, is a really adorable girl. And yet, she has the power to put on a real performance, and there were many scenes between Atropos and Rinne, but they were always serious matches that I learned alot from. Twilight Majeed was a form born from the heartfelt connection between Itono-chan and Atropos……and so I took great care in performing each and every word during the dub recording.

In the end, I was also glad that she was properly reunited with her father. Now that they can finally be together as parent and child, I want Rinne to be spoiled by her father as much as possible. As myself, I was happy to see Ishimaru-san's scene, as it naturally put a smile on my face.

Unlike usual, (for filming of the final scripts) I tried to avoid it as much as possible, and avoided discussing the fact that we were going to finish filming those three episodes at the same time, but before I knew it, I found myself at the final day of filming. Especially at the endgame, we had alot of days where it'd be like, "Today's the important scene for this person," so we'd try not to talk to that person in order to make it easier for them to concentrate. It wasn't something that anyone in particular decided on, but before I knew it, that was just the way things were going. The wrap up for Rinne was the scene in episode 49 when Lachesis dies. We were all tired from crying that day (laughs), but when we were returning from the location site, we all saw a rainbow from the bus. Everyone got excited and said, "Amazing!" Fujibayashi-san was the most excited about it (laughs).

I'd like to make the Final Stage a fun one to "repay" everyone who's supported me. And as Matsumoto Reiyo, I'd like to continue to make firm decisions on how I want to live my life, just like Kudo Rinne.

Fujibayashi Yasunari (Kurogane Spanner)

Q. If you were to call out to Kurogane Spanner now?

A. Be nice to everyone!! Also, I know you like it, but wearing a leather jacket during the Summer is dangerous!

Q. What did Gotcha stand for through Kamen Rider Gotchard's show?

A. It's all the cast members, who are my friends and good rivals that I've seen almost every day for a year, it's all the staff members who've supported this, and it's all of you who are reading this.

Q. Please tell us your favorite episode and the reason why!

A. It's episode 3! It's because there's a scene in the dojo that I did at my audition, and this is the episode that started it all for me as Spanner.

-In the endgame, I think it was a fantastic collaboration-

When filming wrapped up, I cried more than anyone else (laughs). That day, I had already declared it from the makeup stage, and in fact, I was crying while getting my makeup done. Seeing me like this, the makeup artist was in a predicament. They couldn't progress with their work……I want to apologize for the inconvenience I caused.

I've been auditioning for the Kamen Rider series for the past 8 years, until I encountered this role of Kurogane Spanner. It's been a frustrating experience, but the Kamen Rider Gotchard project came to life, and that's where the character Kurogane Spanner was, which made it possible for me to appear in this way. No matter how great an actor is, it's important that they fit the role, so I was very lucky that Spanner appeared in front of me.

I was really happy, for a whole year, I'd be able to enter the set that I had admired. I didn't even have the mindset of "Let's do our best"……it may be misleading to describe it like that, but it was completely normal, and I just enjoyed being on this set. That's why I can't think of anything when people ask me, "Did you ever have a hard time?" (laughs). I think I was more excited than anyone else, and was enjoying the atmosphere of the set to the fullest.

Still, it was abit of a strange feeling……I couldn't be objective about my situation until the very end. I didn't really feel like I was in the Kamen Rider series, which during Saturday nights as a kid, I couldn't wait for them to start. This may be because we were often filming on Sunday mornings, when there's a broadcast happening. I couldn't equate myself with the "cool adult actors" who appeared in the shows I was watching (laughs). I've always felt that discomfort.

I was very happy to see Spanner portrayed so intensely in the final episodes. There was a time halfway through when Spanner didn't appear in the show that much, but from that time on, Producer Minato told me, "Not to worry." He didn't explain the fine details of this development, but I was told that I would be featured during the endgame of the show. I too was excitedly waiting for it. As a result, there was alot of excitement in store for me, I had a fight with Houtaro in episodes 46 and 47, my parting with Lachesis in episode 49, and the appearance of Kamen Rider Valvarad Kurogane. As expected, I felt alot of pressure, but being able to show the culmination of Spanner's work made them very gratifying episodes. I got into a fighting spirit.

While playing Spanner, I was always conscious of the difference in the way of thinking between Houtaro and Spanner. Houtaro speaks from his own thoughts, but Spanner is looking at reality. You could say Houtaro's flexible, but that Spanner has firm beliefs. I think sometimes these elements of conflict tend to be lost in the process, but I was glad to see that it didn't come to that, and that they were able to depict it all the way to the point where the two of them finally had a fist fight toward the end. Once it became clear that episodes 46 and 47 would be one climax, as myself, I began a "running start" from the Sabimaru's episodes (42 and 43). The confrontation with Houtaro was, in my opinion, even more climactic than the appearance of Valvarad Kurogane. We both gave it our all during the dub recording, almost to the point of running out of air, but it was worth it and I felt a good response. I feel that I've built up such a strong relationship of trust with Nakata Yuji-san that I could almost say we're "one and the same," and I think that by the endgame, including Valvarad Kurogane, it had become a fantastic collaboration.

The Lachesis scene in episode 49 was……sad. In the last part of the episode, Arisa-chan in particular seemed to be possessed by Lachesis, and it seemed like we'd cry if we made eye contact with each other even for a moment. Aside from during the actual performance, I tried to avoid looking at her face as much as possible. In playing the character of Spanner, I was constantly helped out by Kyoka-san's Fukuda Saki-san and Lachesis's Sakamaki Arisa-san. I was also moved by the line, "Lachesis smiles while drawing her last breath." As an actor, I'm satisfied to have been able to do that scene.

Looking back, Minato Sensei's Kumaki-san and I had talked during the beginning of filming for the first episode, saying, "We've already started," and "That means it'll end someday, huh?" (laughs). I didn't want to feel sad, so I had to "mentally prepare myself" somehow, but when the end actually came, I couldn't handle it. It was hard to think that we wouldn't be able to gather at this set as we had done in the past. The night of the wrap up, I slept for 14 hours, and when I woke up, I had two pimples.

I think the Final Stage is the place where I'll express my gratitude to everyone. I look forward to meeting you all. And as for future ambitions……Itono-chan said that she wants to do a 10th anniversary, so that's one goal. Everyone I worked with in Gotchard were good rivals. I hope we can continue to have a relationship where we can help each other grow, and I hope we can work together again in another production.

Abe Oto (Icho Renge)

Q. If you were to call out to Icho Renge now?

A. How are you doing as a landlady in Kokonotsu Village? Please invite everyone from the Alchemys Union to Kokonotsu Village so they can relax in the hot springs and heal from the daily battles!!

Q. What did Gotcha stand for through Kamen Rider Gotchard's show?

A. It's bonds. Throughout the past year of filming together, I've formed invaluable bonds with the cast members and staff.

Q. Please tell us your favorite episode and the reason why!

A. It's episodes 28 and 29. These are the first episodes to focus on Renge, and she's the only one on the Alchemy team who doesn't transform, but it's really wonderful that she fights for her grandmother using the alchemy she's trained so hard to use.

Tomizono Rikiya (Tsuruhara Sabimaru)

Q. If you were to call out to Tsuruhara Sabimaru now?

A. Sabi~!! It's alright! You're having a Gotcha time with your friends in a fun future! Sabi is also a hero! Do what you love and keep on growing!!

Q. What did Gotcha stand for through Kamen Rider Gotchard's show?

A. The experiences and friendships!! I was able to experience many things, including being on location, on set, on a bike, being suspended, action, dub recording, and transforming. And then there's the friends who ran with me as fast as they could through both the hard and fun times. I'm really grateful for everything.

Q. Please tell us your favorite episode and the reason why!

A. It's episode 43! I can't believe Sabimaru was screaming and fighting like that…!

Kumaki Rikuto (Minato)

Q. If you were to call out to Minato now?

A. Can you imagine a future like this? "Belief" is a difficult thing to do, but it's the only thing that'll bring you an exciting future that you can't even imagine!! The future is bright!!!

Q. What did Gotcha stand for through Kamen Rider Gotchard's show?

A. It's "youth"!! The best Gotcha ever was spending time with my Gotchard costars and staff, which reminded me of my school days, or maybe even more so!!!

Q. Please tell us your favorite episode and the reason why!

A. There are so many, that I feel like I'd answer this question differently every day…but I'd still have to go with episode 27! There was the all out battle, and I'm so happy that Minato was able to come back to everyone, so this episode is very special!

Fukuda Saki (Kyoka)

Q. If you were to call out to Edami Kyoka now?

A. Chomp on cilantro!! Thank you for your hard work!! It's fine to be enthusiastic about research, but make sure you get a good nights sleep!!

Q. What did Gotcha stand for through Kamen Rider Gotchard's show?

A. Youth!! They were all honest and kind kids, and I had alot of fun messing around with them 🙂 I enjoyed every day!! I wish everyone can spend each and every day happy!!

Q. Please tell us your favorite episode and the reason why!

A. It'd have to be episode 21, which is the episode where Spanner transforms into Kamen Rider Valvarad. It was also an important episode for his character!! That flaming Valvarusher!! And his transformation scene was so cool!!

Kanon Miyahara (Clotho)

Q. If you were to call out to Clotho now?

A. You're clumsy, yet your passionate feelings for your family are being conveyed to everyone. You were able to grow alot by fighting and struggling together throughout the past year. Thank you!! I love you 🖤

Q. What did Gotcha stand for through Kamen Rider Gotchard's show?

A. It's sisterly love! As an only child, I've been thinking about the two of them all the time this past year, both on set and in my private life. I'm so happy to have met such loving and precious people! It's because of the three of us that I was able to live as Clotho of the Three Dark Sisters.

Q. Please tell us your favorite episode and the reason why!

A. It's episode 32. Of course, I was able to do a bunch of my favorite actions, but it's an episode where Clotho fights alongside Houtaro, talks with him, and realizes what she wants, allowing her to think more about the three sisters! I also love the scene where they're running away while "What's your FIRE" is playing 🖤🖤

Sakamaki Arisa (Lachesis)

Q. If you were to call out to Lachesis now?

A. Lache-chan said, "I want to be human!" and she did her best, as she was more human than anyone else 😊. Right up until the end, you did a great job.

Q. What did Gotcha stand for through Kamen Rider Gotchard's show?

A. "The greatest warriors!!" The cast members were very passionate about the performance and could bring out the best in each other's scenes!!!

Q. Please tell us your favorite episode and the reason why!

A. What can I say, it's episode 33!! It's the episode where Lachesis becomes Kurogane for the first time 😊🖤. Her joint fight with Spanner was also very hot.

Amon Kabe (Kajiki Ryo)

Q. If you were to call out to Kajiki Ryo now?

A. Best friend representative, thank you for your hard work over the past year. I was so worried because you lost so much of your memory……Despite being an ordinary civilian, I was impressed by how you fought to protect others, both physically and mentally.

Q. What did Gotcha stand for through Kamen Rider Gotchard's show?

A. Creating a role throughout a whole year. I was able to experience alot of approaches that were different from regular movies and dramas.

Q. Please tell us your favorite episode and the reason why!

A. It's episodes 9, 10, 44 and 45. I didn't expect a Kajiki episode to come so early on…and I didn't expect a Kajiki episode to come so late…I hope that his growth as a person has become apparent.

To Everyone Who's Supported Us

Thank you so much for your support of Kamen Rider Gotchard over the past year! Let's have a great time at the Final Stage!! - Ichinose Houtaro's Motojima Junsei

Thank you!! Thank you so much for one year of Kamen Rider Gotchard!! I was really happy and enjoyed living as Kudo Rinne. Even though I went through some tough times, thanks to everyone's support, I was able to persevere! It was a very long but short year, and I was incredibly happy. Rinne-chan was loved, and as Reiyo, I couldn't be happier 🧡🧡. Majade is cool, right?! I was uneasy about some things, but it was alot of fun! Thank you very much! - Kudo Rinne's Matsumoto Reiyo

Thank you so much for supporting Kamen Rider Gotchard over the past year! Couldn't do it without your support!! Thank you again, Let's make Final Stage the best event, I love you all!! - Kurogane Spanner's Fujibayashi Yasunari

Thank you for supporting Kamen Rider Gotchard over the past year ❤️. It was very encouraging to receive your warm messages after every episode's broadcast!! I love you all! Let's have fun at the Final Stage! - Icho Renge's Abe Oto

Thank you for supporting Kamen Rider Gotchard over the past year!! I truly had alot of fun every day, and I got to experience so many different things! I'd be happy if you'd continue to send me the power of your support! Let's make a ton of memories! I'll do my best to be everyone's "power"! - Tsuruhara Sabimaru's Tomizono Rikiya

Thank you so, so much for your support over the past year!! Thanks to all of you, I've felt the most love in my life, and I was able to enjoy filming every time!!! Let's have fun until the very end!!!! - Minato's Kumaki Rikuto

Thank you for your encouragement in Kamen Rider Gotchard over the past year! I'm glad so many people loved Kajiki 💚. Let's meet again somewhere - Kajiki Ryo's Amon Kabe

Thank you for the past year 🖤. I had days filled with so much love!! I love you all!! I look forward to your support from now on 🖤 - Lachesis's Sakamaki Arisa

Thank you for supporting Kamen Rider Gotchard over the past year! It was a very happy time for me as Clotho of the Three Dark Sisters!!! Please remember to keep supporting me from now on 🖤. If you forget, it's a high kick for you!! - Clotho's Kanon Miyahara

Everyone!! Thank you for all the love!! A world where there's nothing but love for Kamen Rider Gotchard!! I'm really happy to see you all at the Final Stage!! Let's make some memories!! Happy~ 💜 Cilantro~ 💜 - Kyoka's Fukuda Saki

Scriptwriter Uchida Hiroki Special Interview

I've been participating in the Kamen Rider series since "Kamen Rider Saber," but Kamen Rider Gotchard was the first time I was involved in a project from the startup stage. What I thought after I finished writing the final episode is that it's amazing that Toei continues to make such year long shows every year. Of course, the Producers and Scriptwriters change every year, but a majority of the staff on set have been working together for many years. I was able to witness a single production from beginning to end, and I could feel the weight of its history.

I've been involved in anime multiple times in the form of "head writer," but in the case of Toei's tokusatsu productions, this head writer position is also handled by the chief Producer in charge. For Gotchard, this was Minato Yosuke-san. Minato-san was an Assistant Producer for Saber, but Gotchard was his first production as chief Producer. Since he approached me with, "If I can be of any help to you," we've been "running" together up to this point.

After working as the Main Writer for a whole year, I think it was easier than when I was a Sub Writer (laughs). I didn't have to think that much about the show as a whole, as my main job was to put together the episodes I was requested to make in my own way. There were various elements that I thought up and added myself, but I was like, "It'd be nice if someone picks up on this later on." When this becomes the main focus, I can't be irresponsible (laughs). If I didn't put much thought into it, I'd be digging my own grave later on.

On the other hand, I felt a sense of fulfillment that only the Main Writer can experience. I think it's partly because it was a production with a younger cast, but the span of a year allowed me to feel the growth and progress of these actors. Since I'm relatively close in age to the cast members, I made it a point to visit the film site as much as possible to interact with everyone, and as I did so, my love for each and every one of them naturally grew deeper. This is a feeling that's difficult to experience as a head writer of anime, which are often broadcast in the length of seasons (three months). Writing of the script and filming was happening at the same time to some extent, and sometimes I'd use what I talked about with the cast as a reference for the script. I love the entire cast and characters of Gotchard, so I was also always conscious of being able to focus on as many characters as possible. I can't judge for myself whether my skills as a Scriptwriter have improved over the past year, but I think the fact that I was able to devote myself entirely to a single production was a big deal for me.

-A true to life main character that you'll want to cheer for-

Out of all the appealing characters, I considered Ichinose Houtaro, the main character, to be the most important to the success of this production. The main character who transforms into a Kamen Rider tends to be depicted in a somewhat superhuman way, but I wanted to avoid going in that direction as much as possible, as I wanted to portray Houtaro as a "true to life high school student." Putting it another way, he's a main character whose perspective is as close to the children who watch the show. I wanted to make a main character that they'd instinctively cheer for. I was consistent with this from the beginning, as it was also a way to differentiate it from the more recent "Kamen Rider Geats." I was relieved to hear that both the show itself and Houtaro actually have many child fans.

Still, Houtaro doesn't have any elements of "me" in him (laughs). I personally wasn't a high school student like Houtaro. If I had to say, I guess he's one of the ideals that I wanted to be like? Houtaro's abit of a weirdo, but……(laughs). Personally, I was hoping to get power from Houtaro while writing him. After all, I'm not always happy with my work. When I was having trouble coming up with ideas or moving forward, Houtaro's cheerfulness saved me. Motojima Junsei-kun as Houtaro really surprised me, as I was very impressed with his performance, which improved with each episode. We talked alittle on the day of the wrap up, and we both agreed, "Let's do this for another year" (laughs).

-What a Grand Alchemist Produces-

Episodes 1 and 2 were written together with Hasegawa Keiichi-san, and the first time I wrote independently was episodes 7 and 8, with the Chemy called Saboneedle. Since that was the first time Gotchard had a two part story, I packed in alot of things I wanted to show in the episodes during this time, and it centered on the interactions between Houtaro and a slightly rude boy. Not just Houtaro, but Rinne, Spanner, the Three Dark Sisters……If I'm not mistaken, I believe that I also discussed with Minato-san during this time the idea of ​​having the story end with Houtaro creating a "New Earth." The words "Grand Alchemist" come up, and Houtaro talks about big dreams, so I thought that eventually, he'd do something spectacular. Then we'd talk about what exactly that is, and we'd be like, "Maybe he'd do something like create an Earth through alchemy" (laughs). It wasn't decided there, and it was alittle strange to write in that direction. In the end, the "New Earth" is produced with alchemy. I wrote this without having any idea of how it'd be filmed (laughs).

After that, I was put in charge of the Winter film. I wrote about how Houtaro gets into a fight with Tamami-san, his mother, over something petty and runs away from home, and it seems that Motojima-kun himself had a similar experience. It was kind of like I interviewed him and wrote it (laughs). I wrote the scene between Houtaro and Tamami-san in the final episode with the impression of it being an expansion from the Winter film. As a matter of fact, initially, in episode 49 written by Hasegawa-san, there was originally a scene where Glion visited Kitchin Ichinose, and after he left, there was supposed to be a conversation between the mother and son. However, since it had been quite some time since the "welcome home" scene in the Winter film, I talked with Hasegawa-san, and we decided to use it in the final episode that I wrote. I decided that Tamami-san already knew that her son was a Kamen Rider. I put alot of effort into writing this script, not only for Minamino-san, but also for Motojima-kun's performance, as he had grown so much.

-Dawn and Legend-

Episodes 16-18 aired from the end of the year to the beginning of the new year, and the curtains rose on a new development. By the time I wrote that series of episodes, I believe that episodes 5 and 6 had finished airing, and I remember writing them while reflecting on the opinions of those around me. At the time of writing, I was alittle worried about Gotchard Daybreak's character. To begin with, I didn't see how elements like "from the future" would fit well in Gotchard. However, by the end of the shoot, there was already a good response on set, which led to talks about doing a proper Daybreak episode at some point. As you know, this came to fruition as the Summer film written by Hasegawa-san.

I wrote "Kamen Rider Gotchard VS Kamen Rider Legend" at the same time as episodes 7 and 8. I didn't intend on ending this as a one shot spinoff, and had already decided that it would be included in the TV series at some point. Still, I had decided that Kaguya lives in another world, and it's not easy to meet up with him, so I finished episodes 32-35 based on that setting. There was plenty of action shown, and they were quite literally "gorgeous" episodes, but in reality, there was alot more drama written in. I regret that I couldn't fit all of it in.

Episodes 42 and 43 were Sabimaru's episodes, and since it was decided that the next episode I'd write would be the final one, I included various elements that would connect to the final stages of the series. When it comes to episodes of this scale, it's hard to write a story that's independent of the whole flow. Still, there were the Renge episodes during the middle of the show, and I wanted to do a Sabimaru episode. Originally, the development of Sabimaru becoming Kamen Rider Dread in the beginning was my idea, and the idea came from the fact that I wanted to do a story about Houtaro helping his friends. I wanted to differentiate Sabimaru's episodes from Renge's episodes, so I tried to touch on the origin of his connection to alchemy. I also reflected on what Director Taguchi, who also shot the Renge episodes, wanted to do.

-Final Stage ~ With Gratitude-

As for the last three episodes, 48-50, it was Minato-san's idea to ask Inoue Akiko-san to write the Rinne story of episode 48, and for Hasegawa-san to write the Spanner story of episode 49 while I'd write the final episode. Minato-san and I discussed the overall flow of the episode, and we'd communicate with each other on what we had decided on. Also, Minato-san, Director Tasaki and I discussed the final drafting process, and in episodes 48 and 49, when parts needed to be corrected, I asked Inoue-san and Hasegawa-san for their permission and then made the necessary changes.

The deep involvement of each of the three sisters and each of the main characters, such as Rinne and Atropos, Spanner and Lachesis, and Houtaro and Clotho, wasn't what I had in mind at first, but as the story progressed, it seemed to come naturally. The final three episodes were written by each Writer, but there was never any talk of separating the responsibilities for this. Still, both episodes 48 and 49 by Inoue-san and Hasegawa-san were "rich in color." I think it has something to do with the fact that Inoue-san started her career as a novelist, but the way she delved into the characters felt deep. For example, I think this was evident in the Hopper1 Malgam episode (37). Also, since she joined Gotchard later than me and Hasegawa-san, her sense of distance from the work and characters was alittle different from ours, and I think that was also an advantage. If I had been in charge, I might not have written the fist fight between Houtaro and Spanner in episodes 46 and 47 that way.

Hasegawa-san's a veteran and has alot to offer, but he's also naturally skillful. Even now that he's become a veteran, he still has a clear will to "write about what he wants to write about." I felt this even more this time than when we worked together on Saber. He's very energetic, and his written works really show an author's touch. I thought that was to be expected.

When I was writing the final episode, I naturally pictured the faces of each of the cast members. I put my heart into each and every line, and also felt a sense of loneliness. In the Final Stage's story, I hope to show my gratitude to those who supported Gotchard, as well as to the cast members who received my scripts and performed them. I hope you enjoy this traditional "after" story of Gotchard performed by the original cast.

[lucy90712]

I’ll be there for you- Pablo Gavi

A/n: this is a long one- 4.1k

Warnings: pregnancy; mentions of birth 

I don't quite know how it happened as it all happened so quickly but my life just fell apart right in front of my eyes. Today has been such a rollercoaster of emotions I've gone from anxious to crying to angry then back to crying and now I just feel absolutely nothing. I've heard of people saying that you can just feel numb but I've never experienced it until today and what they say couldn't be more true I just feel nothing it's like I don't have the energy to feel anymore. 

For the last week or so I haven't been feeling great and I could just tell something wasn't right but my fears were confirmed when my period was a few days late. I really didn't want to take a test as then it would become real but I knew I had to so this morning I went and got one without telling anyone. Of course when I had the courage to take the test it showed two clear lines meaning I really am pregnant. There was nothing I could do to stop the tears flowing down my face as there was so many thoughts flooding through my mind like what will my boyfriend think, how will this affect my studying and how am I going to cope with a baby. Growing up an only child means I've not had much experience with babies and I don't know much past the basics about pregnancy which makes all of this a whole lot scarier. 

For the next few hours I was so in my own world that I didn't even realise the time until my boyfriend came home and I knew I had to tell him straight away just to get that out of my head. We have been together for a few years and have talked about having kids in the future but not yet so I know he won't be overly happy but hopefully he will see that something out there believes this is the right time for us. I wanted a minute to think of the right thing to say to him but he noticed that there was something up straight away. I tried to brush it off for a second but he was persistent in trying to get the truth out of me. 

"I'm pregnant" I eventually said 

"What?" He questioned 

"I'm pregnant" I repeated

"Oh" he said bluntly 

"I don't think I can do this I'm not ready for a family and I feel like I haven't been as into this relationship recently anyway" he said 

"Wait so you're leaving me?" I asked 

"Yeah I'm sorry I just can't do it I don't care what you do but I don't want to be part of all this like at all" he said before just walking out 

With that everything got a whole lot worse. As if things weren't challenging enough I now have to do it all alone. In that moment I began cursing my decision to move to Barcelona away from my family and friends to follow my boyfriend and start school as now I have no support system and I definitely don't have the money to move back home. Most of my friends out here are from my boyfriends friend group as he introduced me to them when I moved here so even those people probably won't be here for me. Even thinking about having to do this all alone had me balling as not only is this a tough situation I also have a lot of hormones raging through my body making me even more emotional than usual. 

As I was nearly drowning in my own tears my phone began to ring so I grabbed it hoping it would be my now ex boyfriend telling me he regrets his decision and actually wants to stay together. That wasn't the case though it was actually my one friend who isn't associated with my ex, Gavi. He doesn't usually phone me at all let alone at this time so I felt like I had to answer just in case he needed something or something was wrong as despite my disastrous situation other people's lives still go on. I tried to sound like I hadn't been crying and asked him if everything was alright but he noticed something was wrong straight away and told me he was coming over before hanging up. 

It wasn't long before Pablo arrived and came straight into my apartment calling for me but I couldn't bring myself to get up from my position on the floor by the sofa. Once Pablo saw me he practically ran over and sat down next to me putting his arm around me to try and provide some comfort. For some reason having him by my side made me even more emotional and the tears began to flow again. Pablo then held me closer allowing me to cry into his chest which was just what I needed, he was there for me, he wasn't saying much he just provided some comfort which is all I want. He rubbed my back gently until I managed to gain control of my emotions enough to finally look at Pablo whose eyes were full of worry. 

"Whenever you're ready please tell me what's going on" Pablo said 

"It's a lot" I said 

"That doesn't matter clearly you need to get whatever this is off your chest and I'm here to listen" he said 

"I'm pregnant and y/bf/n left me saying he wants nothing to do with the baby" I finally admitted 

"Wow what an asshole" Pablo whispered under his breath 

"Are you ok how are you feeling?" He asked 

"Right now I just feel numb I don't know what to do it's all just a lot to think about" I ranted 

"Its ok I'm here for you why don't we just talk everything through" he said 

After that I took a deep breath and Pablo who is usually always messing around and having fun was actually serious for once and ready to help me. He allowed me to say everything that was on my mind and bit by bit we began to figure things out. Pablo promised me that he would do everything he could to help me and even insisted that I move in with him as this apartment isn't mine. I didn't want to have to move in with Pablo but he keep insisting that I need support and to have someone around and eventually I gave in and agreed with him. 

~~~~~~~~~~

A few months later 

It's been a long hard few months. For pretty much my entire first trimester I spent the majority of my time laying on the sofa feeling exhausted and incredibly sick. However now that I'm approaching the halfway mark I have finally started to feel better and have been able to do a bit more. Pablo has been a godsend during all of this he's taken me to all of my appointments and done everything he possibly can to make me feel even a little bit better. On my really bad days he will spend as long as necessary sat holding my hair and rubbing my back as I throw up and when I'm tired during the day he will let me rest my head on his shoulder so I can nap. As much as those things have been nice the thing I appreciate the most is how he's been there for me mentally. When I moved in with Pablo I completely cut off my ex and anyone to do with him which was hard as it left me feeling pretty lonely but Pablo has been my rock as he's been able to help me see the positives of the situation and the right way to move forward.

Today is my 20 week scan where I should be able to find out the gender of the baby. Pablo begged me to make the scan for after his training as really wanted to be there. He's been to as many scans and appointments as he possible can but he missed the last few due to being away but he really wanted to find out the gender with me. Of course I had to oblige and make the appointment at a later time so Pablo is coming back straight after training to pick me up. Having Pablo at appointments has been nice as it makes everything slightly less daunting plus while I'm stressing he's able to actually listen to what the doctors and nurses are saying. The only downside is that all of the staff think Pablo is my boyfriend and the father of the baby and neither of us are brave enough to correct them as we don't want to have to explain the situation plus I would rather not have the judgment. 

There are worse things than having people believe that Pablo's my boyfriend but it has certainly messed with my head. Since everything happened I've started to see Pablo in a new light and my feelings have drifted to beyond just friends. It's all very complicated as I can't tell whether my hormones have anything to do with my feelings plus I can't risk telling Pablo how I feel in case he doesn't feel the same and kicks me out as then I'd be truly alone. Day by day it's getting harder to keep my feelings to myself especially on days like today where Pablo is so excited to go with me to the appointment even though the baby isn't his. Pablo has treated me and the baby as though we are his the entire time which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I so badly wish that that was true but he's not mine no matter how much I think about it nothing will happen as Pablo doesn't need anything else on his plate right now. 

Just as I was starting to spiral into my little dreamworld Pablo came home and helped me up as I'm starting to struggle a bit so we could head to the doctors together. Recently my bump has really started to grow making it a lot more obvious that I'm pregnant which has made me a bit insecure as I always think people are judging me when I'm in the streets. As we got in the car like always the baby started kicking like crazy so before we left I grabbed Pablo's hand and placed it on my stomach so he could feel the kicks as he mentioned how weird it must feel the other day so I wanted him to experience it. 

"Wow that's so cool can you feel that all the time?" He asked 

"Not all the time but it's been getting stronger recently and baby's always really active in the car and when I want to sleep" I said 

"Aww so you like to keep your mama up at night already do you little one" he said to my stomach and I think I nearly exploded from the cuteness 

"Oh yeah getting me ready for the months of no sleep soon" I laughed 

Pablo laughed too as he started to drive towards the hospital but he kept his hand on my bump rubbing it gently which made the baby go crazy and had me feeling all sorts of things. I could tell that my cheeks were bright red and my heart was beating at a million miles an hour just because he had his hand on me. Having his hand on me made the car ride feel a million times longer but eventually we arrived at the hospital and I could begin to calm myself down so that the nurses didn't think I was dying or something. 

The wait for my appointment wasn't too long so before I knew it I had the freezing cold gel on my stomach and the nurse was checking the babies development to make sure they are growing as they should be. Once the nurse had done all of the important checks she asked if I wanted to know the gender to which I obviously said yes. As I responded Pablo grabbed my hand which made me look over to see that he had the biggest smile on his face as he was so excited to find out what I was having. Looking at him only made me smile as his smile was that infectious and it made all the nerves I was feeling about being able to be a good mother disappear in an instant. Right after that the nurse happily told us that I was having a girl and we were both super happy but confused as we were sure it was a boy but clearly we were both wrong. 

"Thats so exciting a little mini you" Pablo said once the nurse left 

"I know I'm surprised I was sure it was a boy" I said 

"Me too but you know now we have to go and buy loads of cute clothes and decorations for the nursery" Pablo said 

"I'd love to but I don't have the money to buy loads of things" I admitted 

"Don't you worry about that I'm happy to pay for everything and before you say anything I want to do this" he said as we were now getting back in the car 

"I can't let you do that Pablo as much as I appreciate it you shouldn't spend your money on a baby that's not yours" I said 

"But I want to plus I can't help but feel an attachment to the baby even if she's not genetically mine I already can't wait to meet her when she's born" Pablo admitted 

"Thats so cute your going to make me cry" I choked out

"Please don't cry I love you and your little baby" Pablo was quick to say

"Wait I don't mean I love you oh who am I kidding I definitely love you and I get that nows probably not the best time to admit that but it's time I told you how I really feel" he said 

"I love you too Pablo but if we are going to try this we need to take it slow" I said 

"We can do whatever you want I just want to give this a go" he said 

~~~~~~~~~~

Another few months later 

The second half of my pregnancy has been so much better than my first Pablo and I started dating taking things slowly of course but I've never been happier in my entire life than I have been the last few months. Pablo has been so good to me I thought he was super sweet before but now he is an angel he literally waits on me hand and foot and does anything he can for me to make my life easier. Everyday when he comes home he takes over and does the chores even though I tell him I'm fine to do it and then every night he gives me a massage as I'm at the stage of pregnancy where everything hurts. He has also single-handedly put together the nursery, we picked out the colour and furniture together and then Pablo put it all together and even decorated the room which turned out perfectly. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better boyfriend than Pablo I thought things would be difficult at some points as I still have a very obvious tie to my ex even if we don't speak but that hasn't bothered him at all and at this point he might as well be my daughters father. 

Yesterday was my due date so I have officially reached the point of pregnancy where I could go into labour any minute. Luckily Pablo has a few days off so I'm kind of hoping that I go into labour soon so that he can be with me because I really don't want to give birth alone. This morning my back has been hurting more than usual which I have been told is signs of early labour but that could last a hours or even days before turning into active labour. I want to be done with being pregnant so badly that since we woke up I've been getting Pablo to help me do things that induce labour. I have gone up and down the stairs about a million times and we went on a walk so that I could walk with one foot in the road and one on the pavement as that supposedly helps too. 

Someone recommended eating spicy foods so I sent Pablo out to get anything spicy for me to eat but once he'd left the back pain I had started turning into more like cramps all over which was a bit more painful. When I have pain I have been bouncing on a yoga ball so I got up from the sofa and all of a sudden felt liquid rush down my legs which I knew straight away was my waters breaking. Until that moment I'd been feeling quite calm about giving birth but now that it's actually happening I'm starting to freak out as so far it hurts more than I thought it would and my waters have only just broken. Once I calmed down a bit I grabbed my phone and called Pablo straight away as right now I just want him home so we are ready to go when things get more intense plus I need some support. 

"Hey love is everything ok I'm just getting to the store" Pablo answered completely clueless 

"Forget that I need you home like right now my waters have just broken" I said 

"What?" He questioned 

"I'm going into labour you idiot please just come home" I yelled 

"Oh god I'm on my way I'll be as quick as I can" he said 

"Thank you and I'm sorry for yelling I'm just a overwhelmed" I apologised feeling bad 

"It's ok love I'll be there soon to help" Pablo said before hanging up 

It felt like forever before Pablo was home but in reality it was only about 15 minutes until he burst through the door and ran over to be by my side. Just as he got to me I had another contraction so I instinctively grabbed Pablo's hand and squeezed it to help with the pain. As the pain began to fade away I loosened my grip until I was letting go of Pablo's hand who was looking at me with fear in his eyes clearly worrying about me. He helped me sit down as I'd been standing up walking around and got me some water because he didn't know what else to do. I was trying to keep myself calm as I know that's the best thing to do but seeing how worried Pablo was was making me feel bad. 

"What do you need me to do amor?" he asked 

"Everything is already in the car right" I said 

"Yes everything is in the car and the car seat is installed too" he said 

"Ok then I just need you to be here and time my contractions as when they reach five minutes apart we need to go to the hospital" I explained 

"I can do that but please tell me if there's anything else you want" he said 

My contractions stayed quite far apart for a long time but eventually things started to progress and my contractions became more painful and were getting closer together. By the time they were consistently 5 minutes apart it had been nearly 9 hours and it was pitch black outside. Usually at this time Pablo and I would be sleeping but instead we are both wide awake and he's helping me to the car so we can go to the hospital. It really started to feel real once we got in the car as the next time we're home there will be a baby with us in the backseat. There was no time for me to panic though as a contraction hit just as I was beginning to spiral which took my mind off everything but the pain I was feeling. I needed to hold Pablo's hand as for some reason being able to squeeze it makes me feel better and of course he obliged but he looked a bit nervous about having to drive one handed. He drove with a mixture of extreme care and speed as he wanted to be careful and I wanted him to get to the hospital before I have the baby in the car. 

Once we arrived at the hospital everything happened so quickly we were given a room and then what felt like millions of people came in and out to check on me. I was hooked up to all sorts of monitors one to measure baby's heartbeat and another to show when I was having contractions which felt like a cruel joke as now not only could I feel them I got to see a visual representation too. Pablo was trying to be as helpful as possible but there wasn't much he could do other than let me squeeze his hand and rant at him about how much pain I was in. He was such a sweetheart no matter how much I was yelling as he was putting a cold flannel on my forehead and giving me ice chips which were weirdly nice to eat all while giving me encouraging words. 

We were there for another few hours before I was fully dilated and ready to begin pushing. By this point I'd been in labour for over 12 hours and was completely exhausted so when I was told to push I wasn't sure I could manage it with the very little amount of energy I had left. Luckily I had a minute while the nurses were getting themselves ready so I looked up at Pablo hoping to gain some motivation and I was met with his beautiful smile which really did give me a boost. 

"Come on amor I know you can do it, you're so strong, it will all be worth it when she's here in just a few minutes" Pablo encouraged as I was pushing 

"It hurts so much and I'm so tired I don't think I can do it anymore" I panted trying to catch my breath 

"I know carino it will all be over soon but you have to keep going for a bit longer I know you can do it" he said 

"Thats it you're doing so well" Pablo continued 

A few seconds later cries began to fill the room which was the best thing I've ever heard as it meant my baby was here and ok. The nurses then placed her on my chest and I got to see her beautiful face for the first time which was a truly magical moment and something I'll never forget. Tears begin falling down my face as I was so overwhelmed with happiness but they were quickly wiped away by Pablo who when I looked at him also had tears in his eyes which only made me more emotional. It truly felt like this was our little family however unorthodox this was our family and blood relation is never going to make a difference in that. Pablo was allowed to cut the umbilical cord and then the baby was taken from me so she could be weighed and have all the other tests they need to do done. 

"I'm so proud of you you did amazing" Pablo said softly 

"Thank you but I couldn't have done it without you" I said 

"Don't say that I did nothing I just stood here, literally" he laughed 

"Well that's exactly what I needed" I said 

"Pablo I know this might seem a lot and you can definitely take some time to think about it but how would you feel about me putting you on the birth certificate and giving her your last name because she's more yous than that dickhead who provided his dna" I said 

"I don't even need to think about that I would love her to be mine" he smiled 

Suddenly I felt so at ease knowing that I had Pablo to support me and that he was happy to raise my little girl as if she were his own as that had been on my mind for the last 9 months. Pablo truly meant it when that night he told me he'd be here for me and despite everything I couldn't be happier with how it all turned out. 

[peonycats]

Hey, so as a person who has in my unpublished works a story wherein APH Greenland is minorly featured, after I saw your post complaining about Greenland's current characterisation in fanworks, I realised that my story 100% fits all the things you were complaining about. And if it's not too much trouble how would you characterise Greenland in a way that is less problematic?

Or do you have any reccomendations for resources I can use to educate myself about Greenlandic culture?

So, I will preface this with the following:

I AM NOT INDIGENOUS. I AM NOT INUK. YOU SHOULD GO ASK SOMEONE INDIGENOUS OR BETTER YET, SOMEONE WHO IS GREENLANDIC INUIT.

However, in this post, I will primarily give some guidelines that are generally applicable to any nation personification of color that has experienced colonialism/imperialism by a Western nation and is still dealing with its legacy. Keep in mind that what you're asking for is a lot, however- we're touching on topics of national anthropomorphizations in political cartoons, the depiction of the colonized, particularly the indigenous, and the relationship between the colonized and the colonizer.

Don't make Greenland America and Canada's relative.

Don't make Greenland Denmark's kid, biological or otherwise.

Don't use sensitive contemporary issues in Greenland for fandom content.

Don't Make Greenland America and Canada's Relative

Every time I've seen this come up, this is usually justified one of two ways-

a) Greenland is related to America and Canada because the Vikings set up the first European settlements in continental North America, so they would be related via their Norse heritage. b) Greenland is related to America and Canada because America and Canada have a native parent, and Greenland is a sibling of that native parent.

To head things off- The first one is bad. See my next section for the issues of making Greenland a child of the Nordics/Nordic ancestors.

The second one almost always carries the implication of that the native parent of America and Canada is some kind of nebulous pan-American "APH Native America" personification; the issues with having the many indigenous peoples of the Americas as similar and interchangeable enough to warrant only one personification to represent them all are obvious, I should hope.

The slightly more plausible alternative is that America and Canada's native parent represents some Inuit group, and through that, Greenland is their sibling. Even if more plausible, we run into the same issue of turning a group into a monolith- there are many different Inuit groups, all with their own unique histories and cultures. Though Inuit groups may be more related than all Indigenous Americans to each other, they are still not a monolith, and determining their relationships to each other shouldn't be resolved with a blanket solution of "they're all related, nuff said."

If we want to dig into the weeds of historical accuracy, it makes no sense for America to have Inuit heritage, seeing as the United States began as the Thirteen Colonies in the Eastern Seaboard of the modern United States which doesn't overlap with the traditional lands of the Inuit. The Alaska Purchase was not made until 1867, hundreds of years after the establishment of the Thirteen Colonies.

I would also like to point out another issue I’ve seen with many “Auntie/Uncle Greenland depictions” in the fandom. Whenever you do see such depictions of Greenland in the fandom, almost never do we see the creator of such interpretations shedding light on any other indigenous characters (particularly ones not related to the USA and Canada). Therefore, such depictions are exceptionalizing and exalting an indigenous character above all other indigenous characters because they have more of a connection to major Western countries. 

Overall summary: The primary issue with making Greenland related to America and Canada is that Greenland is never allowed to exist outside of their links to these two. If you want to depict Greenland with respect, the most basic thing you can do is to not reduce Greenland into a tool for you to better characterize America and Canada and flesh out their background.

Don't make Greenland Denmark's Child, Biological or Otherwise

TW: racist caricatures of black, Latino, Native American, and Asian people

So first some quick historical background: Norse settlement of Greenland began around the 900s-1100s and died out sometime between 1450 and 1500 due to a variety of environmental and sociopolitical reasons. The surviving Norse settlers most likely either left or assimilated with the local Inuit populations, so there is some genetic legacy, but 85-90% of the population of Greenland today considers themselves Greenlandic Inuit.

For the following centuries, there were sporadic interactions between European whalers and the local Inuit. It was only until 1721 that another attempt at colonization was made, this time by the missionary Hans Egede, who founded a trading company and Lutheran mission near present day Nuuk, with the express permission of the Kingdom of Denmark-Norway.

Greenland took on a special status in both Danish policy and imagination, a far-off land that was "vulnerable" to other nation's influences and in need of Danish protection. In line with that thinking, the Danish state held an exclusive monopoly on Greenland's resources and all trade with Greenlanders. It pressured Greenlandic Inuit to stay in their occupations of hunting and fishing so that Denmark could maintain access to resources Greenland provided, mainly animal products from local wildlife the Inuit hunted.

Additionally, the Danish also tightly regulated interactions between the Danish colonial population and the local Inuits. For a time, intermarriage was strictly controlled, limited to only Danish men and Greenlandic women of mixed descent and had to be approved by the colonial administration. When the US wanted to build military bases on Greenland for military purposes during WW2, a major concern of Greenlandic authorities was minimizing contact between the US soldiers and the local Inuits.

Of course, Greenland didn’t stay this way forever. Against Denmark’s wishes, Greenland did open up and become further integrated into the global economy and order of nations, and to this day a lot of Greenlanders have a Danish ancestor somewhere in their family tree.

However, to make Greenland (substantially) related to the Norse is to do a disservice to the hundreds of years of Greenlandic Inuit culture that already existed and then continued to thrive for hundreds of years in the absence of continued Nordic contact and influence. It implies that the ethnogenesis of the Greenlandic Inuit was kicked off by the Norse settlers, when in reality, the Greenlandic Inuit are largely descended from the native Thule people and later waves of migration of other Inuit people from modern day Nunavut and Nunavik. To make Greenland the child of Denmark is worse, and stands in stark contrast to the fact that compared to other nations and their settler colonies (think, England and America), Denmark heavily controlled Danish migration to Greenland and wanted to keep Greenland isolated and contained.

Now, moving past the issue of historical accuracy, there's been a long history in political cartoons starring national anthropomorphizations of allegorizing international relationships as familial relationships, or "mentor-mentee" relationships, especially when it comes to colonizer-colony relationships.

REPORT FROM THE FILIPINES Send more soldiers -Otis Uncle Sam: Balm in Gilead! Well, thank heavens both my new daughters haven't got the same disposition.

'School Begins', cartoon of Uncle Sam teaching a class in civilisation to pupils labelled 'Philippines', 'Hawaii', 'Porto Rico' and 'Cuba'

In these cartoons, the colonized is portrayed as child-like, infantile, in need of the US's benevolent guidance to be "civilized." After all, if the relationship between the colonizer and its colonial possessions was like that of a parent and their children (or a teacher and their students)- well, children need their parents, so therefore, the colonies need the colonizer and its guidance, right? By doing so, it portrays the relationship between the colonizer and its colonies as a necessary, benevolent one, one done for the benefit of the colony, and masks the inherently exploitative, unequal nature of colonialism. 

To make Denmark a parental influence on Greenland, then, is to replicate the same paternalistic attitude Denmark took to Greenland as a colonial possession in need of guidance and direction, and possibly whitewashing the toll Danish colonization has taken on Greenland. Even depictions of Denmark and Greenland that emphasize their “little brother/big brother” relationship are problematic, because they fall into the same colonial rhetoric of Greenland "needing" Denmark's civilizing guidance.

Moreover, sensitivity is another concern for depictions of Greenland. At the risk of speaking for groups I do not belong to, having a child Greenland be raised by Denmark and the other Nordics (esp if Greenland has a negative relationship w them) hews a little too closely to the real life kidnapping of Indigenous children from their families to be raised instead by white families, in an attempt to remove them from their heritage and culture. Unless you're actually Greenlandic Inuit or indigenous, I don't think this is your story to tell.

Don't Use Sensitive Contemporary Issues in Greenland for Fandom Content

Don't use sensitive contemporary issues for fandom content, especially as an outsider. Don't be like the person I saw making angst headcanons around Greenland's high suicide rate.

---

Recommended Reading

This video is a great introduction to Danish colonization of Greenland, and how I began my dive into Greenlandic history. Bear in mind that this is a 25 minute long video, so it's compressing a lot, but it's a jumping off point, not the end-all be all. Content warnings should be in the beginning of the video.

Phasing out the Colonial Status of Greenland by Erik Beukel

This is a report commissioned by the Danish government and Greenlandic Home Rule analyzing the period between 1945 and 1954, where Greenland's status was changed from that of a colony to an equal part of the Kingdom of Denmark. It's a series of political science essays looking at this period, but I found Chapter 2 the most useful, as it provides an overview of the relevant historical background factors in the relationship between Greenland and Denmark. Warning for some dated language (mostly because it uses Esk*mo at certain points) but otherwise there's not really any content warnings.

Worldviews of the Greenlanders: An Inuit Arctic Perspective by Brigitte Sonne

I haven't fully read this book so I can't totally vouch for this, but given the difficulty of accessing academic material of Greenland (especially as someone who doesn't speak or read Danish), this does fill in some much needed gaps in perspectives on Greenland. I realize the inherent problems of needing to read about Inuit perspectives in a book compiled by an outsider academic as well as the issues with the field of ethnography as a whole, but this may still be useful to some!

Articles I enjoyed that look at Greenlandic history and contemporary issues:

The Arctic Suicides: It's Not the Dark that Kills you

A Brief History of the Indignities Heaped Upon Greenland

How a failed social experiment in Denmark separated Inuit children from their families

[softeningmyheart]

Hello and welcome. My name's Rachel. I made this blog because I'm interested in learning more about Islam. I feel called to Islam, but my heart is still torn because of fear and bad circumstances. So please be patient with me as I learn and grow. Insha Allah I will gain the courage and willpower I need to overcome all barriers between me and Allah.

I am not yet Muslim though. I have not taken my shahada. Please do not pressure me to grow faster than I am ready. I will take it when I am ready, when I am able to live a muslim life and exist within a muslim community. I have many barriers in my living situation and in my habits that keep me from being openly muslim or doing things like salah. Rather than judging me, please keep me in your prayers so that I might overcome these circumstances and be free to pursue faith as I choose.

I ask that men, please do not DM me. I am not comfortable with talking to men in private at this stage in my journey. I do not wish to invite any more negative temptations into my life than already exists. Muslim women however, please feel free to reach out. I am all by myself in my journey right now and I hope that will find friendship and sisterhood that will help me grow into a better person.

If you want to know why I'm interested in Islam, there's a few reasons.

Firstly, I feel abandoned by western feminism and I seek real and true sisterhood, without compromise. It feels like Muslimah are the only ones who truly understand what sisterhood is supposed to be, rather than just using it as a means to fuel her own ego and wealth at the expense of others. I feel like I have been encouraged to make myself vulnerable and unprotected for those with the worst intentions.

I have been taught that I am wrong for feeling violated by the exposure of my chest and my hair and I must learn to enjoy being objectified. I have lost all faith in western feminism to help women at all. Western feminists will never look after me or come to save me. It is every woman for herself, so long as she is sufficiently naked and consumerist.

All this, in the name of making a point for a movement that does nothing to actually help women in the worst situations. So for this reason, Islamic ideas of womanhood and the rights of women are highly appealing. Islam gives me the right to gatekeep my beauty. Islam gives me the right to protect myself from the predatory eyes of evil men. Islam tells me that I do not need makeup, or fast fashion, or plastic surgery, in order to be a woman because I was made exactly how I am meant to be by Allah. In Islamic feminist thought, I feel truly protected and liberated from the male gaze.

Some struggle to want the hijab. I struggle because circumstance will not allow me to veil myself. Hijab is a beautiful gift to protect women.

Another reason is because it is fully compatible with my own experiences of the supernatural, as a former neo-pagan and occultist. Through following these paths I saw some of the worst of humanity and I've experienced first hand how these things are not only real, but dangerous. Nothing I ever contacted or indulged in ever felt anything like Allah. No other spirit ever offered me guidance, respect, or protection like Allah.

I will not go much more in depth, because I know I should not project my sins, but I feel it is important to explain my background so you can understand where I am coming to Islam from. I was not a Christian, nor a Jew, nor a Buddhist. I was raised new age, I bounced between polytheist practices that led me down the dark path of the occult and Satanic. Now Allah has blessed me with a change of heart. I hope Allah will forgive me for what I did in ignorance. It is a long road ahead for me, but there is nothing beyond the power of Allah.

So that is why I feel called. There are many reasons, but here are a few of my thoughts on the matter. I have a very complicated life situation and a very complicated relationship with faith. I pray only that my heart be softened, my gaze turned to the straight path, and that the right doors will open to lead me toward truth and goodness in a state of flow and ease. I wish only to be a good person, live a good life, know community, know love, and know spiritual fulfillment. Please pray for me so that the right doors will open for me and lead me into a virtuous life.

[jealousmartini]

hi, i sent this question to another blog a few weeks ago, but I didn’t receive a response. perhaps the person didn’t see my question or didn’t know how to help me with it… 🫤

of course, i don’t want to make you uncomfortable, and it’s perfectly fine if you choose not to answer it.

i’ve been part of the community since I was 14 years old, and now, in just a few months, I’ll be 17. i’ve never shifted before or experienced any “minishift” (at least, I’ve never noticed anything different in my reality).

honestly, i’ve never really cared about age when it comes to shifting. i’ve held onto the hope that I’d shift before turning 18, so I could experience a normal teenage life in various realities I’d love to explore before reaching that milestone. take dating, for instance—not that my goal is to have a boyfriend in my desired reality. i simply want to embrace everything that reality has to offer, and I don’t judge those who choose a different path.

but with this, comes that… i have a specific script that I’ve been refining over the years so that when I shift, I can go there. while I haven’t shifted yet, I keep making adjustments to the script. In this script, I have a boyfriend who is the same age as me in that reality (16 years old). he’s been my boyfriend since I created the script, and I’ve never replaced him with anyone else.

now, I’m almost 17 years old, and I still haven’t shifted. the shifting community has this sort of ‘prejudice’ against adults shifting to a reality where they date a teenager. they believe it’s wrong to shift to a reality where your mind is that of an adult, but you’re in a relationship with a teenager. i’ve been worried about this for a week now. i keep wondering, ‘Will I shift before turning 18?’ I don’t want to leave my partner in that reality, but according to the shifting community, it’s considered wrong.

but what about me? how will I be? what if I can’t change before turning 18? Will I have to give up that reality? And before someone tries to give me a ‘magical solution,’ it’s not so easy for me to just ‘change his age.’ after all, it’s set in a school environment (everything in that reality revolves around that teenage setting). It’s strange for us to see young adults aged 19 or 21 attending a school, as they should be in college, not high school.

i’ve been torturing myself with this for days, afraid that I’ll never change, and when I finally do, it’ll be after I turn 17. And right after that, I’ll have to give up my partner because I won’t be a teenager anymore; I’ll be an ‘adult’ in that reality.

i would like to be able to ask (with all due respect), for any advice or anything. i am afraid and worried, and anything you can tell me could make a big difference for me. I have been following you for some time, and I trust your help.

i hope you can understand, as I had to use a translator since I am not a native speaker.

that’s all. i hope you have a good day or a great afternoon. may the God you believe in protect you < 3

Hi sweetheart!! I've just read through your ask and I just want you to know first and foremost, that everything you are worrying about is so so valid, but at the same time there is no need to worry about it at all. Let me explain why.

As you and I both understand about shifting is that it is everyone's own personal journey (this also goes for the law of assumption), which means everyone will experience their journey however way they believe is right. But in your case (and in many others), you've seemed to fall into the trap of taking a bunch of people's own beliefs as scripture in fears that you might violate their belief; even though a big chunk of you hungers and aches to experience a specific reality.

I can tell you I have been where you are right now, so I know how you feel, babe😭 and I also want to take that weight off your back and let you know their beliefs do not have to control you and where you want to shift to and what you want to experience. The whole "adults shifting to a reality where they are a minor is wrong" is nonsensical, stupid, and hella silly. For example, There is nothing wrong with being 23 and shifting to be a high schooler again just to relive old memories or do some things differently, because all you are doing is becoming aware of a version of you who is having a bomb ass high school life.

Okay, well, what about the situation you're going through right now. Where you are turning 17 this year, but you are worried that you won't shift before you turn 18; and your boyfriend in your desired reality is 16 but you are still suck on this rule that the shifting community has made where "it is wrong to shift to a reality where you are younger when in this reality you have the mind of an adult." First of all, please let me make sure you guys understand what the process of shifting is. Shifting is when you make the conscious or subconscious decision to become aware of a specific reality. This means you are shifting your AWARENESS. NOT YOUR MIND🙏🏾

Which means that if you are an adult in this reality but you shift to a reality where you are a minor, you will NOT be shifting your adult mind into the body of your teenself. You are shifting your awareness of this reality, into another one. Also another thing. As far as I am concerned, you awareness doesnt have an age🧍🏿‍♀️ just because you might be 32 here and you shift your awareness to a reality where you are 16, does NOT AND I REPEAT. DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE STILL GOING TO BE MENTALLY THIRTY-TWO.

Okay, so now we've debunked that👆🏾, what about your other issue. You are afraid that because you haven't shifted yet, you won't get to experience the teenage life in various different realities before you reach 18 which is your milestone. And I can already see 2 small problems. 1 is you are basing what you believe might happen on past failed attempts, and 2 is you are rushing yourself

I know how we can solve both of these issues at once. Change your mindset! And this is not hard to do, I promise, okay? I want you to do what you would normally do when you intend to shift realities, which in this case is affirming but anytime you are awake and have the time to. Literally, you could be sat doing your homework, doing dishes, having a nap, or going for a jog, and while you are doing whatever it is you are doing, affirm to yourself:

"I am a master shifter" or "I believe I am a master shifter", "I always wake up I my dr", "I am always shifting to my desired reality" "Shifting realities is easy for me" and one you can just remind yourself is "I will shift before I turn 18"/"I will shift before my milestone"

The purpose of this is to make yourself believe in yourself and your abilities. It should put your mind at ease because the more you affirm to yourself, the more you will believe what you affirm, and there for you will succeed because you believe you will.

I hope this helps you out and lots of love to you!

[the-shy-wolf]

I'm still wondering if anyone caught on that Jax x Rory is just the t4t version of Romeo x Juliet.

I know it's cliche of me to base a mini comic series off an over-hyped Shakespearen play, but at the same time, I wanted something simple to be inspired by- and while most can argue that Shakespeare's works are deeper and hold more value than "simple"- what I mean to say, is that I wanted inspiration from something that is very well known and beloved by many.

While Romeo and Juliet kicks off as an almost lighthearted story, everyone knows that it ends in tragedy. It represents the coming of age or "puppy love" [as many have called it] that teens/young adults experience in their first stages of life. Jax and Rory are both in their early twenties because for me- it makes the most sense. That was around the time in my life that I began to try and form relationships/date. I also want to say, it's probably one of the most difficult stages in life, because you are being thrown into adulthood and attempting to find your independence- while also trying to map out your self identity.

Everything in your early twenties is extremely fast paced. You're finding ways to survive while also staving off the feeling of loneliness that adulthood brings. All of your friends have moved away to start their own journeys, and perhaps you yourself have moved away from your family and friends. This loneliness can cause you to make desperate attempts to reach out to anyone or anything .

It's even worse if you're still being controlled by your parents, because we are constantly being told to "act like adults", but are never given the opportunity to make our own decisions. We are still being told how we must present ourselves or act, and while this may not be the case for everyone, it's definitely something I myself have experienced or heard others experience- especially those within the queer community.

I want this series to not only be relatable, but also realistic in a sense that relationships and young love are complicated. So often we see love in media displayed as this untainted/simple thing, when really there are layers- and while Jax and Rory starts off light-hearted enough, I want to bring that depth that's so often missed.

As to whether the story will end in tragedy like 'Romeo and Juliet', I still have yet to decide. I do hope, however, those who have kept up with the series so far- stick around long enough to find out.

As always, I greatly appreciate everyone's support. The fact that people even take the time to look at or admire my art makes me extremely happy. I am very grateful and humble, as I've never would've in a million years thought my work would matter.

So thank you again, and thank you so much for reading!

[weemietime]

I just recently had cause to check my old Quora account (feel free to add me anyone, it's the source link) and I would like to put this on my blog as well because it is an important piece of information.

We all remember the memed out "stop Kony" shit, well I never stopped stopping Kony. I've been blasting this motherfucker for a decade. The question was asked:

Have child soldiers been condemned for war crimes?

The only person who has ever been convicted of war crimes that were committed while they were still a child, is Dominic Ongwen, formerly of the LRA. His verdict was returned in February 2021.

Ongwen’s case was particular - records indicate he was abducted between 9–14 years of age (his report differs from the reports of others, a common issue when dealing with early formative trauma) - but he eventually became a trusted, high-ranking member of the LRA and indeed participated in capturing children and perpetrating the same violence onto them as was done to him. He continued this for many years.

Ultimately the courts demonstrated with sufficient evidence that he acted of his own volition (as much volition as he was capable of having) as an adult. While he undoubtedly experienced fear and suffering in childhood, he was successfully indoctrinated and carried out many acts of abuse on his own, without the threat of duress, and was even known to refuse to obey orders he did not agree with.

It is an unfortunate case, regardless of one’s opinion on his character. Everyone involved in the trial acted with utmost respect and dignity. Everyone did everything they were supposed to do, and yet still did not find the correct answer. There can be no correct answer. No real accounting for justice, for every single person impacted by Joseph Kony - including Ongwen.

During the Charles Taylor trials, the Prosecutor David Crane opened the floor for any child over the age of 15 who had committed voluntary acts within an armed group. So, the 'cut-off' for what constitutes the capacity to reason as an adult was put at around 15. Crucially, however, no child was actually brought up on these charges.

Personally, I believe in prison abolition, and I believe that rehabilitation would be more effective for these children (of course, some of them will be too dangerous to reintegrate, but this is a case-by-case issue). If I had not gotten treatment at Romeo Dallaire, I would have been imprisoned and exposed to institutional violence. This would have made me more violent, and I would have exited the prison system and went on to perpetuate even more violence. Because I got therapy and community healing, because I was able to hang on to my relationship with my mom, and I suppose because of my intellect and schizoid, I wound up flipping the switch in my brain from unmitigated antisocial disaster to a prosocial human being. What flipped that switch in me was being given responsibility to facilitate a group of younger children. The adults around me realized that I would thrive if put in a leadership role, and I was able to see myself helping people. I realized that there are other ways to engage with the world than base violence. The real splinter that occurred, that allowed me to break through the brainwashing, was during a shoot-out that I was involved in shortly after my treatment ended (so it was not some magical happy ending, I did have re-occurring issues afterward). But during that event, I realized in that moment that what we were doing was wrong. I am just very, very fortunate that no one lost their life and no one was injured on that day.

If we are referring to condemnation in the broader, non-legal sense - the answer is yes. Many former child soldiers are rejected by their communities when the fighting stops.

The adults in these communities were often more afraid of the child soldiers than the adult soldiers - you could reason with an adult soldier, but children do not fully understand the value of life, and are undergoing an extreme and radical shift in their identities and worldviews while accompanied by radical violence and forced substance abuse. The reality is that during the fighting, the children were more brutal than the adults.

When disarmament, demobilization and reintegration processes occur, the long and arduous task of healing from the atrocities of communal violence must begin. 20 years ago, after the Liberian civil war, a group of children were followed by clinicians interested in evaluating the long-term psychosocial outcomes of child soldiering. For these children this was regrettably universally poor.

Many were homeless, uneducated, and addicted to drugs. Now, looking at those same children, the reports from 2022 are much different as our understanding of the law and trauma deepens and grows as a species. Many of these same children have some form of education, an occupation, housing, and are politically active in their communities.

Reintegration is a personal process. Often actions were taken that resulted in loss of life, permanent maiming/disability, witnessing cruelty, rapes, hacking off limbs, burning people alive - it does not matter if it’s a child or an adult subjecting you to this, it has a profound impact. But evidently the condemnation for their actions did not persist beyond the immediate aftermath.

These children were able to be brought back into the fold, and I think that is a beautiful thing.

[saltwaterandstars]

I while ago I saw @doctornerdington recommend the book Body Work by Melissa Febos. I recently bought it and I'm about halfway through reading it. So far I think it's excellent and I'm finding it helpful, but it's stirring up lots of thoughts and feelings and so I've decided to write some notes about that to keep a record of how I'm responding to it. So, under the cut it a personal essay of sorts. It's not a statement about what I think anyone else is experiencing or should do, it's just a record of my own experiences, thoughts and feelings about which are being evoked as I read this book. If you do read what I've written and want to comment, I'd welcome that, but it is quite long and I'm imagining not many people will read it. If you are going to have a read though, please note the content warning tags. I wasn't sure really what it needed tagging for, so if you do read it, let me know if you think it should be tagged differently.

Body Work is a series of essays by Melissa Febos. On one level it’s a book about writing memoirs—writing about personal experience. But the book is about much more than that. She talks a lot about the scripts we have taken in from society, from the patriarchy, scripts that we unconsciously write from, but also the same scripts that we shape our selves and our lives around. I’ve just finished the essay Mind Fuck, which is ostensibly about writing sex scenes. But in exploring what goes on when go to write about sex, especially when that we includes people disenfranchised and brutalised by the patriarchy, she’s really exploring what it is to be an embodied person; what it is to understand our physical and sexual realities, to live them, to make conscious choices in relation to them, and to write about them. She talks about the importance of identifying and getting beyond the narrative threads that were previously sewn into me by sources of varying nefariousness or innocuity.

I’m finding reading the book personally very helpful but, of course, it’s only helpful to the extent that it’s disturbing me, that it’s leading me to bump into and acknowledge the scripts—body-related, sexual, and otherwise—that I’m still living in accordance with. It’s interesting that this process feels to me so desperately uncomfortable, terrifyingly unsettling, actually, and yet, at the same time, it also feels like such a compassionate thing to be doing for myself.

I’m a white woman in my late 50s. I come from a poor, working class background, but through education and profession I am clearly middle-class now (and class is still a big deal in the UK, even if it’s not as explicit as it used to be). I look and sound middle-class and have the privileges that come with that. I’m bisexual but have been in a monogamous relationship with a man for 25 years, so pretty much everyone who knows me or interacts with me sees me as straight. To a very large extent, for the first four decades of my life, I tried very hard to live within the straitjacket placed on me by the patriarchy, especially in relation to my body. I spent many years trying not to gain weight, trying to be conventionally, heteronormatively attractive and so on. And like many women, I was fully aware of where those scripts, those rules, were coming from and the harm they were doing me, but I was just too scared to even attempt to let go of them in any kind of meaningful way.

There were ways in which I did live beyond the patriarchy’s imposed limitations. For example, I had a successful career in a male-dominated profession. But in my 20s and 30s especially, I attempted to do that while still trying to be seen as attractive and well-behaved and unthreatening (which would be hilarious if it wasn’t so heart-breaking—I was threatening just by existing in those spaces—I couldn’t be there and be successful and not be a threat.)

I also had a sex life where, at least some of the time, I experienced myself as having agency and freedom. But I lived that part of my life pretty much secretly. I wasn’t ashamed of my sexual behaviour; I just didn’t trust that society—including many of the people in my day-to-day life—would value and respect me if I allowed myself as a sexual being to be more fully seen. So I hid myself from view—not an uncommon coping strategy for me.

In my 20s to 40s, I was frequently fearful and anxious. Whenever I did something that challenged the scripts, the rules, I was very scared. I am not a feisty, up-for-a-fight kind of person. I find breaking rules difficult, and being a ‘difficult person,’ challenging other people, even just disagreeing with other people, feels disturbing to me (this can’t possibly have its roots in my childhood—surely not?!) So when I did do political things, feminist things, when I stood up for colleagues, said no to unreasonable demands, just disagreed with people, even, I felt real, like I had acted authentically and in accordance with my values, but I also frequently felt like the world was about to end. At the very least, I was often just waiting to be punished and expelled from the pack. It’s a hard way to live.

My 50s have brought me—through the menopause and the development of a life-changing chronic illness, and the death of people I love—some dreadful challenges, but also, through the exact same experiences, a real increase in freedom. For one thing, I am no longer attractive in a stereotypical heteronormative way. I’m just not. My body just can’t be that anymore. And while I’ve had grief and fear around that, I do also have an ever-increasing sense of freedom because of these changes, too. And because I’ve been so ill and my poor body has had (and continues to have) such a difficult time, my whole way of relating to myself as an embodied person has had to change. I’ve had to cultivate great oceans of kindness and patience to be in this struggling body, and it turns out, kindness and patience with my body are also antidotes to the poison of the patriarchal rules I swallowed in when I was young. Who knew?!

And I have to say, the less invested I am in being seen as attractive and pleasant and reasonable, the more my fears around the imagined consequences of being authentically myself subside. In the last couple of years in work before I retired, for example, I was pretty much immune to the attempts by my (mostly younger male) colleagues to pressure or bulldoze or embarrass or emotionally blackmail me into doing what they wanted. I wouldn’t say I became fearless because I didn’t, but alongside the fear was a kind of gleeful, arms folded across my chest sense of oh this is going to be interesting.

The death of loved ones has been an immensely painful experience, but it has also functioned as rocket fuel to help launch me out of my state of fear-based inertia. I’m not going to go into details, but basically everyone else in my immediate family died young, so I’m a chronically ill woman approaching old age with a truly awful genetic inheritance in terms of family longevity. I hope I live till I’m 90, but maybe I won’t. Maybe if there are changes I need to make to be more alive and present and free in my life, I might want to get on with that. So the questions I’ve asked myself again and again in different forms over the last few years are: How many more years am I going to spend living by these shitty rules? How many more years am I going to waste not allowing myself to explore who I actually am? To be who I am? Oh, and when I die, do I want them to put something like She was always so well-behaved—on my headstone? Is that how I want to live the rest of my life? Et cetera, et cetera.

Over the last few years, in ways small and large, I’ve managed to shrug off bits of the straitjacket. The biggest change is that I’ve completely stepped away from a pretty successful but personally damaging career. I’ve also allowed myself to finally get to know my pagan self and to be that self more publicly. And regularly in day-to-day situations I’m managing to catch myself about to act in accordance with Febos’ narrative threads that were previously sewn into me. Sometimes I manage to step out of automatic pilot and to make a conscious choice to do something different, to be more authentically myself in that moment, even when that feels scary and exposing.

Which all sounds great—and it is! But if that was the end of the story, then reading Body Work would not be proving so unsettling for me. Turns out, the really difficult explorations and changes I’ve already made were actually the easier stuff. Could it be that I’ve managed to avoid the extremely difficult work by focussing on the really difficult work?! As I’m reading the book, it’s becoming clear that what still remains to be examined and unpicked is the tough stuff. So here I am again today, asking myself the questions:

Who is it serving to keep myself, my needs, my wants, my interests, my values, hidden from view and not enacted in the world?

And how is doing all that serving me, too?

And how many more of my precious remaining years do I intend to spend in this understandable but deeply unsatisfying holding pattern?

[sinsandsuccubus]

I Wish You Roses - Jack Harlow

Context: “With pretty flowers can come the bee sting”

Genre: angst

Word Count: 1.0k+

Pairings: Jack Harlow x Ex!Fem!Artist!Reader

Warnings: n/a

a/n: This was something quick I wanted to put out, so excuse any grammar errors if there are any. I kind of didn't like the way this ended, but ya know, I always hate my own writing. One of the favorite things I love about myself.

Masterlist ☽☾

“Ooh, never thought I would be without you

I wish you love, I wish you well

I wish you roses while you can still smell them”

The MTV music awards were here, and with every awards program came a performance.

This year around you were performing your new song, “I Wish You Roses” from your new album “Red Moon in Venus”. Once again, you had been nominated for an award, this time, Best Song of the Summer.

You were going up again many other artists, such as Ice Spice, Taylor Swift, Beyoncé, and your ex, Jack Harlow. You didn’t expect all the different genres of artists in one category, yet, here you were.

Your microphone was glittery gold, to match the color of your album, and you were wearing an orange dress, with diamond Louis Vuitton red bottom heels. You wore a headpiece, specifically a crown, and your hair and makeup was done to perfection.

You took a deep breath, your manager coming along beside you, resting her hand on your shoulder.

“You got this. Don’t forget where the song came from, and sing it for the person who it’s for.” She looked at you and smiled softly, nodding her head.

She was right. You had to sing the song from your heart, for that’s where it came from. And the song was for your ex.

Jack Harlow.

The two of you had been together for almost three years before deciding to break up, the deciding factor being Jack’s newly found career. His music and features had taken him to a new level of famous, something he had never experienced before, and his management team thought it would be best for him to step into further the game with a clean slate. Meaning he had to break up with you.

It was difficult in the beginning, not being with the person you loved, yet seeing them all over the internet. You were truly happy for him, happy he was becoming recognized and credited within his rapping career. However, you did mourn the loss of your relationship, the hole in your heart never closing.

So, after going through tons of therapy and with the approval of your manager, who was like a best friend to you, you wrote “I Wish You Roses”, in dedication to your ex and your previous relationship.

You just hoped he recognized the song was about him.

“And now, singing a new song from her new album, Red Moon in Venus, please give a warm welcome to Y/S/N”

The lights dimmed as you rose up from the center of the stage on a white pillar, aerial silk dancers floating in the air in your presence. You began to sing your song, putting love and effort into each part that you were singing, your vocals strong.

“While I'm here, I'm someone to honor

When I'm gone, I'm someone to mourn

But if you and my heart should someday drift apart

I'll make sure to give you these blessings

Because they're all I've got

My love's deep as the ocean

Don't you drown on me

Just know any love I gave you's forever yours to keep”

As you belted the song from your heart, you looked into the crowd, spotting Jack sitting front row. You kept eye contact with him for the majority of the song, eyes drifting from him as you finished the song, ending it with notes from the heart.

You're gonna want me back

You're gonna want me back, you're gonna

You know we can't do that

You know you can't do that, you know it”

The crowd applaud as you ended, slowly drifting back onto the pillar, sighing as it was lowered into the stage. You smiled at your manager, who immediately handed you a snack and a bottle of water, a ritual you had going after your performances.

“You did great Y/N.” She spiked, embracing you in a hug.

“It felt like it. Let’s just hope he got the message.”

Smiling and waving at everyone, you slowly made it to the Sheppard Bus parked in the section for the attending artists, holding your award in your hand.

You had won song of the summer, your fans supporting you all the way through. You were happy, ecstatic, yet there was still one person you wish you had heard from.

“Maybe he won’t stop by.”

“I doubt that Y/N. Look.” Your manager pointed towards the parked Sheppard’s bus, Jack standing in front of it, a bouquet of flowers in his hand. You smile and nodded your head towards your manager, who took the award from you and made her way towards the vehicle. Slowly you walked up to him, your dress trailing behind you swiftly.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” Jack spoke, fiddling with the packaging of the flowers he held in his hands.

“Are those for me?”

“Oh shit, yes. Yeah, they are.” He thrusted them towards you, a small laugh leaving your lips. You took in a whiff of the roses, smiling as you looked back up at Jack.

“They’re gorgeous, thank you.”

“Of course.” There was a pause.

“Listen.” You both spoke at the same time, “Wait” you both spoke again, looking at each other with a smile.

“Go ahead.” You nodded to Jack, who began to twirl the ring on his finger - a nervous tick, something you had picked up on while you were together.

“Listen, Y/N I- I never meant for things to go down between us like they did. It was never my intention to hurt you, now that I can see that with the song you performed tonight.”

“So you think it’s about you?”

“Wasn’t it?” Jack looked at you panicked, his bright blue eyes looking directly into yours.

“Of course it was Jack, I was just messing with you.” You smiled softly, a sigh leaving Jack’s lips.

“Phew. Don’t do that, you know I don’t like sarcasm like that.” You both laughed it off, your eyes drifting down to the flowers.

“But like I said. I really didn’t want our relationship to end between us as it did, and I’m sorry that I hurt you.”

“Jack… let’s not do this right here.” You spoke softly. “How about tomorrow, over lunch?” You looked at him, hoping he would say yes.

“… Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay. I’m cool with that.” He nodded at you, placing his hand on your cheek. Smoothly, you moved closer to him, kissing him on his cheek.

“I’ll text you the details. Goodnight Jack.”

“Goodnight Y/N.”

[isakyakihasmyheart]

Mind Dump 5 years on...

This is the first time I've logged into this account since 2019(ish) so I'm pretty sure there's going to be no one left here but if you are, Hi! I'm just going to dump this post here because I am a tumblr girl at heart and laying my most deepest thoughts to strangers on the internet is all I've ever known...

After the recent news of the death of Liam Payne 2 days ago I've been thinking about this website non-stop. Like many people, this news hit me so unexpectedly emotionally. Grieving someone I never knew, but also grieving a time in my life I can never ever experience again.

My life has changed so much since I last logged into this account, and yet so little at the same time. I started this account in early 2017 after I got into SKAM back in 2016, abandoning a previous Dan and Phil centred account I had from 2014. I was still in school, the last season of SKAM lining up with my own life of leaving school and starting university. I remember thinking that was so cool, watching these characters I grew to adore also experiencing their last year alongside me. I started university in late 2018, studying to become a nurse but yet never got over SKAM. Instead, I became obsessed DRUCK and connected to Matteo in a way I haven't ever experienced with another fictional character since (the only close match being Connell from Normal People in that one uni scene iykyk). However, I ultimately ended up abandoning this account in 2019.

I don't actually know why I stopped coming on this website. Because since I was 14 this website was all I could ever think about. Me and best friend in 2014 were absolutely obsessed with tubmlr. We would literally spend hours on this website reblogging the most random things, and things that at that point in our lives meant so much to us. And with this recent news, I've felt this strong tsunami of nostalgia for that period of my life.

I was never a 1D blog, but I loved 1D. Not very openly as I had older sisters who made fun of me for it. I squashed any outwardly expression of my love for them to avoid this at all costs. A major cost being turning down to go and see them in concert in 2014/2015 when my friend (mentioned above) had an extra ticket. I think about that often and regret it every time. When covid came around and we were in lockdown I was in the mid/end of my 2nd year of uni, 20 years of age. I know a lot of people talk of how they regressed back to their younger passions, and so did I. I had the full 1D experience I never let myself have, not caring about others' opinions on it (mainly my older sister). I listened to their music nonstop every single day, watching so many edits and even reading fan fics. I truly felt like I was 14 again. But there was always that voice in the back of my head saying, "you're too late, it's not the same, you've missed out on it all." I yearned with everything in me to be that teenage girl again. It was during this period in 2020 that my family relationships also became very volatile and dysfunctional, meaning 1D became an even bigger safe space for me.

I've always been a nostalgic person in the worst way possible. I can't help but let the regrets of things I never did consume me. The thoughts of how different my life could be, how different I could be, it always plagues me. I know this sounds dramatic because I'm talking about a 2010s boyband, believe me I know it does.

But I was 14 when my life started to go to shit, when my mental health first started to decline and truthfully it has never recovered. Maybe because in the back of my mind, I always felt like that 14 year old girl, scared and alone and hurting so bad with no one to help her. And the unbelievable shocking news of Liam Payne dying, it's just transporting me back to that period of my life. Even more so as I lost my dad very unexpectedly and traumaticly in March this year.

I just feel so full of grief for so many things all at once, all separate yet all so intertwined. I would truly give anything and everything I have to just relive being that teenage girl, even the unspeakable bad parts. And it makes me so angry to know I can't. And of course, I can't, because that's not how time works! Yet it feels like I can't breathe when I come to that realisation. In all its dramatic flare, it genuinely feels like it's killing me that I can't ever experience that life again.

All in all, I'll never truly forget this website. Especially not this account, I loved this account! Maybe this is just the part of growing up I'm currently struggling with. I'm 24 now, which in itself is scary because no matter what I am and always will be that 14 year old girl.

Girlhood is forever and always xx

[ninjagirlstar5]

You've seen me ramble about the problems with Kanade and Chapter 3, so you know how I feel. It really does feel like LINUJ went for pure shock value instead of anything narratively satisfying. I like your take on the idea, where instead of just the shock and horror, there's actual purpose and character behind it.

The twins do really seem like they would be a great cautionary tale of mutual toxicity and obsession, and I like the idea of them reuniting only because there were people in need during The Tragedy.

And I admit I'm biased, but I'm always happy to see more stories where Hibiki actually survives ^^

OH yeah, I have. I've read most (if not all) of those asks on the ASOOT blog as they were coming out and it made me realize how bad SDRA2's Chapter 3 is. And when I actually sat down to play the game myself with my friend, I went from knowing that Chapter 3 is bad to actually experiencing how bad it was for myself. Like, it went from, "Oh, it's kinda okay so far, but I know the shoe is gonna drop at some point-" to "OH WOW, it really IS that bad, dear lord." Like, Jesus Christ, this chapter was...a lot and yet full of nothing at the same time beyond just shock value. It's not as if the whole serial killer thing couldn't have worked, the problem is that all the people that's closely connected to the case gets axed all in one go, and it's kinda just...never brought up again. Like, come on. If you're going to go THAT far, at least give it SOME kind of importance to a character connected to this shitshow, like Hibiki. Who got killed off alongside Kanade. Like, thanks, I hate it. There's so many things wrong with Chapter 3 and how Kanade was handled that the best thing to do for both is to just rewrite it all from the ground up. So when my brain started giving me ideas on how it could be rewritten, I decided I needed to get it out of my system and tried to approach it in a more human and complicated way than something as twistedly evil to the point of shock value. Kanade is at least more pitiable here since you can actually understand her on SOME level but never excuse her actions as she's still toxic in her right towards Hibiki (who's also toxic to her in return). She's just not being a serial killer about it.

AND YEAH, that's pretty much what I was going for for them. I wanted to keep the nuances of their relationship on how they're mutually toxic to one another since that's very interesting to see. There's no such thing as a "perfect" victim, as there are many that have done messed up things in response to what they've been put through but still desperately needing help or even an intervention from a reasonable authority figure, and Hibiki and Kanade could've been great examples of that. But one actively chooses to change while the other doesn't...at least in one of the interpretations of how their rewritten relationship could end as would be revealed in the Chapter 6 version of this. Ngl, I wasn't sure which interpretation I liked more as I can see both versions happening, with Kanade and Hibiki coming back together through the Tragedy as some events are able to give people an opportunity to bond and mend what's broken back together again, while other times not even a world-wide disaster will get someone to change and things remain broken due to one side having an unwillingness to hold themselves accountable for their own actions. Both are feasible in this rewritten version and I decided to let this be something for other people to decide for themselves on whether or not Kanade and Hibiki can mend their relationship after being separated for so long and if the Tragedy can bring them back together through their charity events. After all, some people have their limits and Kanade still did a lot of horrible things to other people, so it really depends on whether or not you'd believe it'd possible for them to repair their relationship, even after so many years of not talking to one another. A possible rebuilt of their relationship that unfortunately gets nipped in the bud thanks to Mikado's killing game reverting them back to a state where their old toxic behavior was at it's peak, and one of them ending up killing and getting executed because of it. Either way, we could've had doomed siblings instead of...whatever the fuck canon is.

And trust me, me and my friend are right with you on that. We really wished Hibiki had survived and complain about it every now and then whenever we bring up Kanade and Chapter 3. It's just...such a waste to kill her off like that. My girl deserved better.

[for-yoongi0309]

231012 | RM on weverse

Hello

It is my last birthday in my twenties. Though I am not sure if it’s because of my professional characteristics, but it feels that a bit of shyness that accompanies the day that is called "birthday." even though i believe that its just a day that isn't too big of a deal in my opinion.. i yet feel so happy and blessed that so many people send their sincerest wishes.

From time to time, i think that love is something that gives and creates a name to someone. to where Kim Namjoon becomes ‘Kim Namjoon’. and it is all because of you, even although it is just one day out of the many 365 days in a year, 29 year old me isn’t just a day that is passing by.

Except I want to be a person who can be as honest as one can be, i wonder, to what extent exactly, could the existence of the untouchable and palpable of a relationship between fans and the artists that possibly go beyond and reach up to.

Can everything just be accepted under some kind of phantasm that is called love? I am still experiencing times where expressing my inner thoughts honestly becomes the heel of an Achilles, and then honesty becomes a wound, but i am still not so sure.

I had said in the past that i was sad and that it was growing harder for me to talk about things. I feel that statement still stands true however. but however, i have grown calmer. because i received so much sincerity that one may or may not receive in one’s life in the form of cloudbursting downpour.

I regarded despondency and futility to be cool, but i realized that i am also someone who is optimistic and positive. isn't that a miracle? lately I've been living with the phrase, ‘why not?’. i want to live by sharing the optimism that i have received from the people around me. and I am also pressing down and holding onto my next songs that will be released someday. yes. But could I show honesty in a more beautiful method other than with music? It's a truth everyone knows but it feels as if it's still not enough.

And that is why I sometimes wonder if i became BTS because of this. because i wanted to do so in various ways. whether it be through programs, interview, or dance, whatever it may be.. how blessed of a life this has become. and wherever i am, these things make me want to see it clearly with my own two eyes and reflect on. they say its destiny when things coincidentally overlap but they also say coincidence is also fate disguised as serendipity.

However, i think that is of a similar reason to why I'm writing this letter to you. it feels as if i would have written this letter in September of 2023, regardless of which version of me i would have been. every time, my birthday letter is describing the place that i have arrived at but done in different languages of love each time. because of all of you, i am living really well. i want to live well. i just want to tell you every time, that i am loving you with the best version of myself.

However else, i cannot hug each and every one of you and with that, my heart transcends with those feelings. no matter what appearance i may take, i wont ask for you to love me. but i will put in the effort that reflects all of the love I have received.

The last birthday inside my twenties is going smoothly simply like this. let us be healthy and happy for a long time, no matter what sky we’re under. Let's meet again after some time passes. sincerely wishing you an early, if not a belated, happy birthday to you as well! thank you.

— Namjoon

[kfedup]

Five for Friday

Let's get a little thematic this morning; things I am learning about.

Ancestral trauma - I'm halfway through the reading and exercises in the book It Didn't Start With You, How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are, and How to End the Cycle by Mark Wolynn. In tandem, I'm building out my family tree on ancestry.com and have traced my father's father's side back to Little Compton, RI in the 1600s. These birth, death, and census records are insufficient storytellers, but it's at least a foundation. I'm so angry and sad that I have no ties to anyone on that side of my family. Nobody talks about our ancestry. Nobody talks about anything. No relating to my relations. No big revelations in the book yet, either, but it's helping me talk to myself in a far more compassionate way and to see those who have already passed away with similar compassion.

Movement - through weekly one-on-one pilates coaching, a daily morning practice of pilates, yoga, stretching, and several walks a day, I'm bringing more awareness to the space my body takes up in the world. I'm noticing the ways gravity anchors me when I'm still and when I'm in motion. I'm slowly working through the workbook Body and Earth: An Experiential Guide by Andrea Olsen, which is full of science, art, exercises, beautiful creative writing, and a call to bring our presence to our existence in a body on this Earth.

Attachment - I'm enjoying a tender, raw, vulnerable, and hopeful energy exchange with a man I've known (and had a ridiculously huge secret crush on) for nearly a decade. He lives in the PNW and is in a more complicated situation than me, which has activated my anxious attachment. The day before he expressed his desire to be close to me while visiting Kent for an event a few weeks ago, I'd said to my therapist that I felt ready to work on the anxious attachment patterns that have contributed to the cratering of my relationships. The universe is working quickly these days. So I am rising to it and sitting with these difficult feelings of abandonment, of not good enough, of not enough, of hopelessness that accompanies this sweet ongoing exchange. I'm determined to not carry this forward with me as an unexamined pattern of reaction and behavior. Awareness is everything.

Meditation - I think it's been six months that I've sat meditation at least 5 mornings a week after I exercise. Sometimes unguided, just following my in-breath and out-breath and bringing myself back to that without judgment when my thoughts arise, as they will, perpetually. I often use guided meditations from the Ten Percent Happier app, which I cannot recommend highly enough. Hate the name, but the courses are wonderful and the guided meditations are like having a mini retreat wherever I am in the moment. I'll do quick 5-10 min meditations in between work calls or before I start cooking dinner. The guides are highly experienced meditation teachers whose voices feel like home to me. Best app purchase I've ever made. And I notice that I am more naturally bringing mindful attention to so many moments that I'm not sitting meditation. I'm doing dishes, sitting at my desk writing, walking the dog, tidying up the living room, and I'm aware of the feeling of my body, of my breath, of the sensation of having sensation. I think I'm beginning to understand in small slivers what it really means to be here now and honestly, this is kind of all I want to do anymore. I'm thinking about going away to a silent retreat soon.

Humility - at least I think that's the focus here. I'm practicing holding space and listening without waiting for my chance to speak, without trying to solve people's problems, and without interjecting my own narrative into their story. I notice I'm doing this nearly daily with my sister who is in the midst of very challenging mental health issues with my niece. All I want to do is go there and help in concrete, tangible ways, but she said no and I have to repeatedly trust that she knows what's best for her and her family and my only job is to hold space filled with love. Period. Ended.

Bonus - my Mom has said repeatedly in recent years that she's not interested in learning anything new. I think she's afraid of failure, afraid that she doesn't have the mental faculties to retain anything, and she's frozen by anxiety and depression that she refuses to do anything about. I'm trying to have compassion for her, but at the same time, I notice that her negativity has been a huge driver of my deep dive into self-awareness and growth. I wish I didn't have to grind my cog of the capitalism wheel so I could spend all of my time exploring what it means to be a soul having an embodied human experience. I refuse to give up like that.