#i've decided instead of spiraling about my life

[pompomchihuahua]

On Sanemi and Giyuu: A Journey of Misunderstandings

Sanemi and Giyuu have possibly one of the most misunderstood dynamics in fandom that I've ever personally seen. And to truly understand their relationship, I want to briefly talk about Giyuu and how his past affects his relationship with the other Hashira.

Let's start with Giyuu.

The Hashira that was never meant to be. Giyuu's life is one built on sacrifice and regret. First with the loss of his sister, Tsutako, after she sacrificed herself to save him. He falls into a depression and feels that he should have been the one to die instead when his sister, who was set to be married in one day, had so much "more" to live for.

Sabito then delivers the infamous slap. The shock and pain of life help to pull him back into the moment when Sabito tells him not to waste his sister's sacrifice, that she knew exactly what she was giving up when she hid him.

And he manages to get through to Giyuu for a while. Until Final Selection, when Sabito tragically gives up his life to save Giyuu and everyone else taking part in Final Selection that year.

From there, Giyuu spirals, forgetting the lesson Sabito taught him on mount Sagiri. He devotes himself to his training and quickly ascends the ranks, but believes himself unworthy of the status of Hashira because of what was sacrificed to get him there.

As a result, he isolates himself from companionship. In the light novel, Ubuyashiki says this about Giyuu: "But Tomioka has deliberately cornered himself. He looks backward because that's what he wants." The guidebook says, "The Water Hashira keeps a distance from the other Hashira and the rest of the corps."

As I mentioned in my post on Sanemi's pack-centric nature, it's not right to even call Giyuu a lone wolf at this point in the story because he does not want companionship.

Giyuu, like many characters, is trapped in the past and self-destructing via isolation.

That's not to say he doesn't subconsciously want it. Humans are social animals who crave contact on our most basic levels; of course there is always going to be some part of Giyuu that wants human contact. This subconscious desire for human contact can be seen in the way he views the other Hashira.

The first thing I notice is that he rates the Hashira based on how much they talk to him. If they don't talk to him, he doesn't speak with them.

I mean, just look at that piddly openness score! Sanemi has twice the level of openness and the light novel outright calls him "unsociable." Muichirou, who is described (and this is a direct quote from page 140 of OWB) as "basically an empty puppet" has an openness score of 40%.

And I'd like to emphasize that it is very much not just Sanemi that has complaints about Giyuu's behavior.

His isolation affects not just his social life but his job as well with Uzui saying in the light novels: "We're finally cutting loose the uncooperative Water Hashira?"

Even Rengoku chips in, saying "we have to stand tall and tell him our complaints," just a few sentences later.

During the Hashira meeting at the beginning of the training arc, Amane asks them on behalf of Ubuyashiki to unlock the marks for the sake of defeating Muzan, but, Giyuu, resigned that he would never earn a mark and does not deserve to stand with the Hashira, leaves the meeting.

It's easy to forget that we, as the viewer, have all the context and that other characters don't. To the other Hashira, this comes across as Giyuu actively shirking his duty as a Hashira.

Sanemi stops Giyuu, stating that he can't leave until they "decide what our respective roles will be!"

To which Giyuu responds "It has nothing to do with me."

Shinobu outright asks Giyuu to explain himself to which he simply says "I'm not like the rest of you."

As the viewer, we know he means that he is not on par with the others, but to characters like Sanemi, who has spent his life in poverty and thus, looked down upon, this sounds all to familiar.

Sanemi even outright says: "I don't like the sound of that. You said the same thing before, didn't you, Tomioka? You're looking down on us?"

Giving him a very clear chance to explain himself.

However, Giyuu just turns his head and walks away, leaving Sanemi with that assumption.

This is without going into, how, during the very same meeting, Giyuu calls Sanemi a "simpleton," completely unprompted.

As much as I love Giyuu, he doesn't make a very good case for himself in the eyes of the other Hashira.

So, what changes? How does Giyuu go from actively avoiding contact to this:

Well...

Simply put... his relationship with Tanjirou.

His brotherly bond with Tanjirou is one of the most beautiful storylines in Demon Slayer and I could make a whole post devoted to them if I had the time. But to put it shortly, Tanjirou helps Giyuu learn to open himself up to companionship again. Suddenly, we see a shift in Giyuu. And the light novels make a very heavy distinction between the way Giyuu was acting before Tanjirou's influence and after: "The way Tomioka was now, Tanjirou was sure he'd be able to be friends with everyone."

Unfortunately for Tomioka... he has a hard time convincing Sanemi that he isn't making fun of him and that he want's to be friends.

His face in the light novel is described as: "his face seemed like he was making fun of anyone who spoke to him."

Aka he's got a major case of RBF and a very flat tone with very little intonation. Which means that when Giyuu tries to reach out to Sanemi through ohagi (a treat typically enjoyed by children!), between his face, voice, and previous history of insulting Sanemi, it seems only logical (to Sanemi, the audience knows different) that Giyuu is making fun of him once again.

I've already discussed in length how Sanemi is a pack-centered person (here) and how it also affects how it sees Giyuu. How his loner archetype is the antithesis of what the mighty wolf stands for.

So how does Sanemi go from thinking that Giyuu is a self-centered asshole to smiling at him like this?

By finally, finally, in the end, proving himself as part of the pack and a team player.

Finally, on the battlefield, they are equals and Sanemi sees Giyuu for his true self; willing to sacrifice everything for the good of humanity and for his family.

As for Sanemi's huge shift in attitude in general at the end, well, that's a different post.

Regardless, Sanemi and Giyuu's relationship is one fraught with misunderstanding and is a prime example of how someone's mental state can clash with someone else's. You never know what someone else is going through. For Sanemi, he fundamentally doesn't understand that it is Giyuu's guilt and desire to not see anyone else lose their life in his name that drives him to isolate while Giyuu can't see that his isolation comes across as arrogance to someone who has spent their whole life in a position of being considered "lower."

All in all, they have an incredibly interesting dynamic that I think is taken for granted.

[queer-boo-radley]

I've looked at it from every angle guys. It should have been.

[therealbabycher]

⋅ ꒰ఎ 💸 ໒꒱ ⋅

Some stuff that helped me not spiral out from the 3D during my manifesting routines and get the hang of only deciding and believing I have everything I want in imagination instead of checking on the 3D

— Things from pinterest and tumblr

Acknowledging the fact that "Time will pass anyway", is a fact I have struggled with in the past. I've seen this phrase like idk twice? But it's only recently that I have started finding comfort in it. Because it reminds me that time isn't against me, and has never been against me. It just simply is. "Time will pass anyway" has been a reminder that pulls me back into the present whenever I start catching myself worry about things like "what if I dont manifest my dream life by christmas" "what if I dont manifest my ideal self by the end of the half term". As long as I have it and persist in it in imagination now (the real reality), then the 3D WILL conform instantly and the time the 3D shows me will never matter because it's going to keep going anyway, so stop worrying about it.

∘₊ ✧───────────────────✧₊∘

Remember when I rambled about being a grateful person and all that? While I was manifesting (scrolling) through pinterest, I found some loa posts that stuck out to me.

One was someone talking about the usual living in the end, but then they said something along the lines of "you're not affirming to get, you are affirming to remind yourself of what you already have/are. See it as you expressing gratitude for what you have/are"

Affirming that you have your desires is just you thinking as the version of yourself who has everything they want right. But seeing the way you affirm and the reason why you are affirming can change your mindset and determine what kind of mindset you have.

∘₊ ✧───────────────────✧₊∘

— Thats why I changed the way and the reason I affirm

Another post was a bunch of "Isn't it wonderful.." affirmations. Now I used to see these be used a long time ago but I never got the significance of them until now. It's the manifester expressing gratitude towards having their desires instead of just saying they have them. Now, as someone who shows gratitude towards every little thing because everything brings me joy, something about this is incredibly powerful to me. The act of showing how grateful you are to having your desires in imagination (the real reality) leaves no room for you to check for it in the physical world (the mirror), because I already have it in my reality; what is there to look for in the mirror when I'm already thinking about how grateful I am for what I want in my reality?

The more I affirmed how wonderful it is to have my desires, the more I unintentionally started coming up with more affirmation ideas that came from a place of gratitude, believing I really do have everything I want, and the fact the 3D is bound to conform quickly as long as I persist such as:

"My imagination is the real reality, therefore I already have all my desires and the 3D conforms to my affirmations quickly anyway"

"I am so grateful to be living my dream life I manifested overnight"

"There is nothing left for me to wait for, everything is already done"

— Other stuff

All of these things I have figured out for myself have helped me persist in the 4D and "ignore" the 3D, knowing it will change the more I stay stubborn to my affirmations and believe my reality is the real reality with the power of faith, gratitude and stubbornness 😽🩷

⋅ ꒰ఎ 💸 ໒꒱ ⋅

[just-a-carrot]

I'm not really in the mood to make a festive Happy New Year's post. So instead I'll just say... we made it. I made it. You made it. The year is over and we're still here. And that is enough.

It's no real secret by this point but 2024 has been one of the worst years of my life. From constant anxiety and panic attacks over job stability in the spring, to losing two family members, to the depressive spiral I entered after finishing OW, to the second spiral in the fall just when I thought maybe I was finally doing a bit better and everything came crashing back down, my mental health has been worse than it's ever been. And I've spent a lot more nights than I'd like to admit wishing I wouldn't wake up in the morning. (And downed a lot more sleeping pills than I'd like to admit because it's the only OTC thing I can get to mildly decrease my anxiety and help numb me a bit LOL)

I just want... this year to be over. Even though I have no hope for 2025 either and mostly just feel anxious and hopeless about it. But I will continue trying. Continuing grappling for the bits of joy that can keep me going. And maybe I finally will get a little bit of calm and peace. Who can say. I guess we'll see what 2025 decides to bring. I just really want to feel a bit better finally. And I hope that 2025 might take pity on me and allow me some mental respite.

2024 did have its moments of joy. Despite it sending me into the spiral, I am ofc glad that I finished OW finally this year. I consider it one of my greatest accomplishments. And I still can't believe that I put 3 whole years of work into this thing and just how much of my soul went into it. Even if my depression keeps trying to convince me that it (and me) are worthless.

I feel like I grew a lot in my art over the year. Trying new and more complex things. Getting better at composition and poses. Which led into my starting Broomtail, which gave me really the first renewed spark of creative joy since releasing the finale and actually made me excited to work on something again.

Speaking of joy amidst melancholy, DD2 was released this year, and it became the one thing that could keep me going at times. It brought me so much joy and inspiration when nothing else would. And it still holds my heart captive in its grip. From all the DD2 art I did, to the O2A2 game, to my silly tragic music video, to a very self-indulgent fanfic, it gave me so much creative energy, and I want to do more art for it in 2025 too! (And I'm still waiting for that DLC, Capcom...) I can't think of another game ever that's had this much of a hold on me before. Though I do attribute much of that to the fact that in my head it's mostly an OW AU since I could make Iggy and Genzou and play out their tragic love story and it was so beautiful and Genzou was so so sweet and cute GUH. Yeah... that helped a lot.

I think my main goal for 2025 is just to keep trying. To keep surviving. To keep trying to find hope and joy where I can. To believe that I can feel better and things can be better. Even when it's hard. And that hopefully... hopefully I will be able to find some peace in there finally.

I do have various projects I'd like to work on too. Like finishing the remaster, continuing Broomtail, maybe working on another game later on. But I'd rather just think of those as things I'd like to do for myself and because they bring me joy, rather than as any kind of goal or pressure. Especially since I never want to make any promises given the instability of my mental health.

I'm just so tired always. And I hate feeling scared and worthless all the time. I hate feeling trapped. Even if I know it's my own life choices and debilitating fear of change that has led to a lot of this. So it's my own fault in the end. But I hope I can find some solace. And I hope you can, too. I hope 2025 will be a kind year to everyone. And even if it's not, that we can find some joy and hope to help us through it.

Sorry this felt a bit morose LOL I guess I wanted to just take this opportunity to reflect back on the year a bit for some catharsis. I shall now sleep for 24 hours to recover from my flight hahaha.

if you saw this post a day ago for a few seconds i'm sorry -- i was working on it in my drafts and must have accidentally clicked post instead of save(??) somehow(???) idk but it posted and i panicked and deleted it and then had to rewrite it from scratch LOL

[empyrealoasis]

hey so im going to explain my situation and the context , i also want to request you to please answer this ask as nobody is replying to me and i need it the most right now.

I've been into LOA and manifesting for 4 years, and a month ago, I decided to use the Void to manifest. My main desires are good grades, my grandfather’s health, and easier manifestation. I’ve tried meditating, using SATS, and entering trance states to access the Void, but despite using different methods, I haven’t succeeded. On November 20, my grandfather passed away, which has deeply affected me and my family. I also have my board exam viva on December 3 with zero preparation and a 30% attendance rate, putting my eligibility for the boards at risk. I urgently need to enter the Void to manifest solutions, as there’s no time left.

Please offer advice

Hi my dear, before I give you any advice I will reiterate that I do not respond to asks and dms, especially if you can find the answers in the community. The knowledge that you need is readily accessible at any point in time, all you have to do is read and apply. I'm not trying to be disrespectful towards you or anyone else, but if you looked at my introduction post I've stated my rules clearly. However, I have no problem in making some exceptions! >_<

Firstly, the usage of "tried", "entering" and "using different methods" says a lot about how you view the void state. The void state is not a magical place you try to enter. It is within you. Pure consciousness is a state and you are always changing states. Whether it is falling asleep or walking. Do you try to go to sleep? Do you try to breathe? So why are you trying to enter the void state/pure consciousness? There's a reason why anons, like yourself, including other bloggers and myself say that when they induce pure consciousness after months/years of "trying", they realize how easy and simple it was.

Secondly, you are overcomplicating the void state. By using various, elaborate methods and overconsuming, you are bound to spiral and search for an answer you already know. There isn't anything I can tell you that you don't already know. There isn't a cheat code or special method/ritual only bloggers know. You don't try methods to walk or run, so don't apply them to something you were born to do.

The most basic and effective way of inducing pure consciousness is going to bed 30 minutes to an hour earlier than usual. Relax your body by doing what works for you, whether it's through meditating, counting or hypnosis. Ignore your body and 3D by focusing on the darkness behind your eyelids and breathing. Affirm and allow yourself to slip into pure consciousness.

"My four principles: Relax, Ignore, Affirm, Allow"

In the same way, you ignore your surroundings when you want to sleep it's the same principle for inducing the void state. The only difference is you keep your mind active instead of entering the dream state.

Now, based on your circumstances your mental health is causing you to be desperate and emotionally dependent on seeing results in the 3D. In my humble opinion, I think you need to take time for yourself and work on your mental health for a while before you try to induce pure consciousness. It's unwise to idolize the void state as your only ticket to living your best life, as you can become more depressed- and develop more mental health problems in the long run. I also believe you should focus on your education and grief. If you're not up to that, induce pure consciousness when you feel most comfortable and happy. After all, I can't tell you what you can and cannot do. Only you can make that decision.

Lastly, I'm going to be transparent but I was once in your shoes as well. I was OBSESSED with the idea of the void state. I put it on a pedestal, became dependent and I became even more depressed. I spiralled out of control and fixated on the idea of entering. Long story short, I got absolutely nowhere. I only had success with entering (as you may see from my ask to @konniesreality) after I focused on getting a somewhat stable mindset and self-concept. I don't think I included it in that ask specifically, but that was pretty much my "secret" to MY success. It's NOT necessary, but I think it's worth it to put your mental health first in the long run.

I hope you find my response helpful and good luck on your journey! Remember to be kind to yourself and to take care of yourself. It's okay to take your time as it is infinite. :>

- Aquamarine 🐋🐚

[liaspenandpaper]

The Dame for the Gentlemen in Distress 

Your life begins to spiral down when you decided to accept the hands of your childhood friend-turned pirate who invited you to be part of his crew while the said crew set the town in fire.

You haven't seen Seonghwa in years after him leaving their village with the hope of being a marine. Even if you were opposed to it, you thought that you have no rights to stop your friend from achieving his dream.

TW: This story contains themes of abuse (physical, emotional, and sexual), graphic violence, threats of harm, trauma, exploitation, and bullying. Reader discretion is advised.

This is purely fiction and no means represents Ateez’s members in real life.

Lia's Note: English is not my first language, so this might contain grammatical errors. Please bare with me. Love lots.

In front of you is the biggest ship you had ever laced your eyes upon. The ship has this ominous presence that makes a normal person like you, uneasy.

ATEEZ

Your eyes widened from the recognition of the name. Ateez is the new yet most fearful pirate crew that sails in the vast ocean. You couldn't believe that Seonghwa would become part of this deadly crew and just forget his dreams of being a general.

As you stepped your foot on the deck, you contemplate if you would just jump off from the ship, the moment you saw the rest of the crew members. They were all bloody, you’re not sure if those bloods were theirs or not (you’re pretty sure it's not).

"Now, what do we have here? I guess you've picked some stray, my dear," a short man whose hair was split into two shades, the other part black and the other white said with scrutinizing eyes in your direction. You found the nickname a bit amusing, but shrugged your curiosity away, since it not your place to pry.

"She's the one I've been telling you about, Joong. She's Y/N, my friend," you looked at Seonghwa as he introduced you with so much excitement to his crew hoping they would greet you warmly, but as you looked backed at them, they only stared at you with contempt, which is unfortunately haven't noticed by Seonghwa. You immediately knew that your presence is not welcome.

"Joong, I asked of you. She has nowhere to go. I just can't leave her alone. I beg you to let her come with us," Seonghwa held the man whom he called "Joong". You can see the shift of his expression as he is now looking at Seonghwa. Joong's expression now held some fondness to it, so different from the way he looked at you.

"Of course, my dear. Your little friend can stay, but I expect her to not just become a mouth to be fed," he answered and emphasized the last part of his words.

"She can stay as long as she's not useless or I'll kill her and feed her to the sharks."

You gulped as you interpret his words. He must be the captain, you concluded, because as all of them are scary and intimidating, this little guy exceeds a more authoritative vibes than the others.

"Thank you, Captain!" Seonghwa looked at your direction with so much joy, you reluctantly offered a smile as you saw the other's sour mood.

Damn this will be difficult. You thought.

🥀

"Hey, you clean the dishes,"

You sighed. It's been a week since you boarded Twilight, Ateez's ship, and you never stop regretting coming along with Seonghwa.

It's been a week and the rest of the crew never treated you like a human being, rather a monkey whom they can just order around. You don’t have any complaints on helping around the ship, instead you like it. You don’t want to become a burden to the crew, but them treating you like equal would be very much appreciated.

"Are you even listening to me?" Wooyoung snapped his fingers at your face and it seemed to do the job as you muttered an apology and started to clean the hell of a mess in the kitchen.

"Tsk. Can't even do her job right," you heard Wooyoung said, and it made your heart sank a little bit.

You believed that you haven’t been a freeloader in the ship, you followed every task they've assigned to you. You wiped every grime on the areas of the ship that has accumulated for years that Seonghwa could not clean because of the hectic schedule he has. You cooked them meals and put all your knowledge when you were working as a cook to a pub since you were twelve. However, those weren't appreciated by the crew except Seonghwa of course. They always have a say, they didn't do it or say anything in front of Seonghwa, but they do it behind his back. You’re just glad you have the patience and mindset of your father, because your nature to say anything without thinking placed you to difficult situations before and you don’t want that to happen right now, so you try your best to shut your mouth.

As you were now washing the dirty dishes someone entered the kitchen. You checked who it was and it was Hongjoong.

"Making yourself quite useful, huh?" Hongjoong gave you a smirk, a smirk so belittling it triggers the sleeping irritation inside you. Among the crew members, you find Hongjoong the most insufferable. As you learned all of their names, associate them by their hair colors, you also learn that Hongjoong loves Seonghwa, not just a friend but more beyond that and is not shy of displaying his jealousy after you and Seonghwa interacted. Not just Hongjoong actually, but the entire crew is jealous every time Seonghwa talks to you.

It's not that uncommon to have multiple partners, but it shocked you a little that Seonghwa has seven lovers. All of them so possessive they could bite your head off of if they want.

You didn't reply to Hongjoong, since you don’t know what to say. He approached you in the sink and leaned on the counter, staring at you menacingly.

"I swear if you’re doing this or anything to seduce, my Seonghwa, I will not hesitate to throw you off from this ship," His voice quiet but it didn't fail to make you shiver. What he said is absurd and nonsense, but you were afraid that if he became blinded by jealousy, he will really do it with no hesitation.

"I am not interested in Seonghwa, Captain. He is my friend whom helped me find a place to belong to. I owe him my life, so I am doing my best to not be a burden to his crew and it didn’t even graze my mind to seduce him, that would be weird," you calmly said, proud of yourself of not sounding too scared of him.

"Besides, Seonghwa is too in love to all of you to bat eye to another person. He already has 7 lovers that he could pin on, so why get jealous?" as much as you don’t want to ran your mouth carelessly, unfortunately your mouth was faster than your brain this time.

Hongjoong’s expression grimaced and you knew you’re screwed. Hongjoong stepped closer to you, so dangerously close and grabbed your arm tightly. You’re pretty sure it will leave an awful bruise later.

"You're a clueless little mouse, aren't you? Don't speak to me like you are a part of the crew, and remember your place. Better keep your distance to Seonghwa or I'll kill you," he lets go of you and left the kitchen, banging the door behind him.

"Possessive freaks," You muttered under her breath as she continued her task.

🥀

You heeded Hongjoong's warning-slash-threat. You kept your distance to Seonghwa, muttering an excuse every time he speaks to you. Of course, your friend wasn't an idiot. Seonghwa is not oblivious to his crewmate’s behavior towards his friend. He often scolds them every time they treated you badly, but one thing Seonghwa doesn't know, is that the more he scolded them, the brewing hatred towards her keeps boiling near its highest point.

It was a month later when they finally can't handle their jealousy anymore. They collectively didn't know why they just can't ignore you. It's not like you were seducing Seonghwa as what they have been saying, it just that your presence was an abnormality, now they don't know how to act normally.

They're not sure if it was amusement that they've been feeling from the start, masking it with jealousy to hide the fascination to finally meet their lover's friend that he told them about. They knew you are important to Seonghwa, that even after all these years he held you dear in his heart. But they can't help to act harshly towards you, seeing Seonghwa's eyes lit every time you’re around and they were threatened of you.

Questions that they can't answer starts to float around their head and it hunts them, the uncertainty of what the future holds hunts them. However, their not-so-ill feelings towards you might compromise your safety.

“Hongjoong, it’s dangerous to let her come with us! She doesn’t even know how t—” Seonghwa couldn’t finish his words as he was anxiously pacing around Hongjoong’s quarter.

“Then she should start to learn how to, right? It’s not that some of us trained to fight either, we learned as we fight,” it was Yunho.

“You don’t understand, I’m not saying she couldn’t f——” Seonghwa was cut off again when Wooyoung interrupted.

“What do we don’t understand, hyung? If you want her to stay with us then she should also fight right? We only have each other, she can at least learn how to defend herself, since I won’t,” Wooyoung bitterly said.

You are just listening from the corner of the room, and you can’t help yourself, but to say something, “I can go,” you interrupted, you can’t let the crew fight over trivial things, so you decided to intervene a little.

“I can fight. I can defend myself. Let me go with you,” you firmly said to them, with your resolve and determination not once wavered. Seonghwa sighed in defeat, thinking his crewmates will regret letting you go with them.

“That’s the spirit! Who knows if you proved yourself enough, I could consider you as a crew of Ateez?” you knew Hongjoong isn’t being sincere, but you can’t just pass this opportunity to prove yourself more. That you deserve to be a part of Ateez.

🥀

Jongho handed you a sword, and you gladly received it.

“Thank you, Jongho.”

He didn’t reply, as you expected, but the lack of words from the guy didn’t affect your mood at all. Jongho wasn’t a talker, as you’ve observed. He prefers to listen and only engage to more important discussion, never much on casual banters.

You continued to stare at the weapon on your hand. The sword was well kept, and you’re thankful that it is a sword that fits you like a glove. Just the right size and weight for you.

Their mission was to infiltrate a banquet held by a corrupt lord of an island, who’s abusing his power and authority to rule over the indigenous and original settlers of the island. And you learned again that Ateez’s nature is to steal from those who steal.

For the government and for the normal folks, Ateez’s means of doing things are considered immoral, illegal, and wrong at every angle, but to those people whom they’ve helped, they are seen as heroes, a light who brings hope.

“Y/N you don’t have to do this,” Seonghwa hasn’t stopped pleading you to change your mind, but his pleading only went to deaf ears.

“I’m not the same fifteen-year-old girl you knew, Seonghwa. I too have shared fair number of moments where I have to defend myself, if I couldn’t, I would never be here in front of you,” you said firmly. It is indeed true, from the years when Seonghwa was absent from your life, things went haywire, and it forced you to do things in order to survive. There were no gray areas, it’s either kill or to be killed, what you mean is that you could either be sold off to men and be their sex slaves or kill those men.

“I don’t mean that, you know? I know you can fight, Y/N. I would even bet my life you can take me on a fight and win fairly. It is not you I’m worried at, you know what I mean right?”

The both of you shared a knowing look. Shaking your head, you told him, “Don’t worry, Hwa. I won’t let loose,” you promised.

Oh, boy you speak too soon.

🥀

“SOMEBODY STOP HER!” Mingi shouted as he fights someone. His pleas fell into deaf ears as you continued to bash the head of the guy who’s groping a young girl earlier. He is the last guy you’ve beaten up, so you make sure you did a number on him.

When the nine of you arrived in the banquet, it was full of old men and young children. The scene that you’ve arrived with was so disgusting it almost made you throw up all of the food you ate earlier.

These men were feasting to these children, making them sit in their laps, touching their bodies, kissing them in areas that old men shouldn’t lay their hands on. Pictures flashed in your minds, the scenes where you rescued young children from the hands of those rich filthy bastards whose past time are getting off watching children get mauled by other men. It made you sick to the stomach, seeing the traumatized faces of those children that mirrors the looks on the children here on the island.

The disgust suddenly turns into anger and the moment your hand touches your sword, you let your instinct took over your body until you were snapped from your trance when you hear voices calling out your name.

“FUCK! SHE’S FUCKING INSANE! Y/N! DON’T CRUSH HIS HEAD!” Hongjoong yelled in a distance, then you see yourself straddling a bloody man with a bloodied wine bottle in your hand. You weren’t satisfied enough since the man is still conscious, you’ve done this a lot to know when he’s dying, but he’s far from it, so you continued pounding the bottle to his head.

“JONGHO, RESTRAIN HER!” Jongho kicked the man he was fighting and ran towards you. You felt him pry you away from the poor guy you’ve fixated on.

“Y/N that’s enough, you’ll end up killing him.”

You straightened yourself and glanced around. Everything’s a mess, but the man’s face below you is messier. “Crap, are we not supposed to kill any?” you asked Jongho with genuine concern, “I didn’t kill any, right?” you added. Of course, you knew you didn’t, you just asked for courtesy.

Jongho sighed before answering, “Yes, we’re not supposed to kill anyone, Y/N, and fortunately you didn’t kill anyone from your savagery earlier,” he handed you a cloth that seemed to be a handkerchief.

You hesitantly accepted it, but nevertheless you used it to wiped your face as per Jongho pointed out, “You look like you’ve been in a blood rain, wipe your face, can you?” he said. You smiled from the gesture and realized that this has been the longest he’s spoken to you.

“You’re crazy, I like it,” he said to you before walking towards the others. You feel the pride swelling in your heart. Hearing Jongho somewhat acknowledging you was very rewarding, so you ran and catch up to him as you two reached where the rest of the crew was.

“Y/N! What did I say about losing control? I knew bringing you here was a terrible idea,” The joy you felt earlier suddenly switched. Seonghwa’s look of disappointment to you reminded you of the past where he is always scolding you from being too much.

“Yeah, and thanks to her we almost compromised our mission,” San said in a huff, and you see him rolling his eyes to you. Guilt starts to eat you as you see their annoyed and disappointed faces, except Jongho who said, “Guys, she didn’t compromise the mission, if not for her we wouldn’t subjugated Lord Kwon,” he pointed out the man whom you left just earlier.

“She single-handedly fought with Kwon’s guard, she deserved to be praised, is she not?” Jongho added.

Ateez’s dynamic never seems to amaze you, as you see how Jongho’s words affect the others. He may be the youngest in Ateez, but his words still held authority. All of them values each other’s opinion and that is one of their traits that you admire and one of the reasons you learned to respect them. Yes, Hongjoong is their captain, but the rest have their rights to voice their suggestions and concern.

“Seonghwa, I think you might have forgotten to mention that our little mouse here is a trained fighter, and not just your damsel in distress,”

“She wasn’t trained, Joong, she has to, or she would have ended up like the children we’re rescuing from, years ago.”

[jangofettjamz]

The Birthday Boy

Jenna Ortega x Autistic!Male!Reader

Summary: You finally get to celebrate your birthday for the first time, and with the one you love.

Words: 1552

Y/N POV

Today is my birthday. I've never really celebrated it; family never really bothered. Now that I'm older it just seemed more insignificant. No one to celebrate it with, and let's be honest and no one wants to celebrate it on their own.

Jenna was out working, I never told her when my birthday was because I didn't want to interrupt her filming schedule, she's already got enough on her plate she doesn't need to worry about getting me gifts for my birthday she has a career to grow.

I've turned 20 today; Jenna turning 21soon. 20 years feel a bit surreal not gonna lie, crazy to think it's been that long since I was born. I try not dwell on that to much, it'll just send me spiralling.

I do wish I had a good birthday though, the feeling of being celebrating. I know this may sound narcissistic, but I always wanted to be celebrated, have a day just about me. I wanted to feel like everyone could come together and show support for me even if it was just for one day, I never had that kind of love growing up so I'd like to know what that's like, though I doubt it'll happen.

My father never paid any attention to me growing up, saying I was too much of a hassle to put up with. You know you have a bad parent when they have to "put up" with you  instead of loving you unconditionally, but hey beggars can't be choosers, right?

Me thinking about how life could've been was making me depressed so I decided to go out for breakfast, I got dressed and got the keys to my car and went out get food.

On the way there I get an incoming call from Jenna, thought she would've been busy this morning so this was a pleasant surprise. I answered but kept my eyes on the road.

"Hello darling, how'd you sleep" she asked, she knows I don't sleep well when she's gone.

"Um... I slept okay, probably could've got more sleep though. I'm just going to that Italian place we went to a month ago for some breakfast. How's shooting going" I asked, she's currently filming for her new movie 'death of a unincorn' with Paul Rudd.

"Filming's going great, Paul's really cool and I can't wait for you to meet him, he's knows you're a marvel fan too." She giggles mischievously, that little minx.

"Jenna why'd you say that." I whine feeling embarrassed.

"Aw babe, don't be shy he thinks you're really cool." She says reassuringly.

"Yeah sure he does" I say sarcastically, making her laugh. "Do you know when you'll be home?" I miss her dearly, I need to see her soon.

She let's out a sigh, I brace myself for bad news. "Sorry, sweet boy. I won't be back for another week." I let out sad sigh and a whine, I missed her alot.

"Hey, hey, don't be upset baby boy, I'll be home before you know it and we'll have so much fun together. The week will go by quick I promise." She cooed, she always knew what to say to put me at ease.

"Alright sweetie I have to go, drive safe for me and I'll see you very soon." She blew a kiss through the phone "I love you, sweetheart"

"I love you too, Jenna." We end the call and I continue my journey.

I arrive at the restaurant, this is gonna drain my social battery for today so I hope I don't have to to anyone that much, I just wanna get my food, eat then leave.

I ate my food peacefully, the staff were wonderful, definitely going there again for breakfast. I leave the restaurant and do some birthday shopping for myself, figured I may aswell treat myself to something nice for my "big day"; I sound miserable.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts when I feel my phone vibrate, a few text messages from some of my friends and cast mates from scream 5 and 6. I read them and I was shocked, how did they know...

Jasmin

Hey Y/N/N, hope you're having a lovely birthday. Can't wait you see you soon.

Devyn

Howdy stranger, happy birthday my love, you're 20! Hope you're doing well and I'll see you soon... very soon. 😈

Mikey

Looks like someone has a birthday today... AND YOU DIDNT TELL ME! HOW DARE YOU! Besides that betrayal I miss you so much Y/N, happy birthday my sweet.

Mason

Hey man, looks who's 20 years old! Happy birthday bud, hope you have a good one.👍

Melissa

Hey hey, it's the birthday boy! Happy birthday honey, you deserve the best birthday in the world. All the best from me and my husband.

Jack Quaid

Hey buddy, happy 20th birthday! I miss you alot pal, Karl and Antony send their birthday wishes too. Hope to see you soon, buddy.

I was shocked; flabbergasted even. How did they know, they couldn't have possibly...unless. I looked the last message, it was from Jenna, the mastermind behind this.

❤️Jenna❤

Hi baby boy, guess who found out when your birthday is! You never told me when it was but I asked around and viola! Happy birthday sweet boy, I promise we'll see each other very very soon. I love you so much, sweetheart.❤

That little minx... this is why I love her so much, I can't begin to express how much I love her and this just solidifies that. I sent her a message back saying I love her and continue to the mall.

But as I walk to the shopping mall I see three woman who look very familiar, they're wearing party hats too. No... no way... it can't be...

Jenna POV

The look on Y/N's face is priceless, he looked shocked, excited, and emotional at the same time. I think me, Jasmin and Devyn did good on surprising him.

"JENNA?!" He says with glassy eyes.

"C'mere sweetheart" I say and open my arms, he runs towards me and I wrap him in a tight hug.

"I missed you so much" he said while crying, he's such a cutie oh my god.

"Aww sweetie, I missed you too, so much honey. I've been tracking you on Life360 and we intercepted you here. Happy birthday my love, I know you don't like big crowds so I brought Devyn and Jasmin with me" they spoke up.

"Happy birthday, Y/N/N. It's so good to see you, I've missed you alot." Devyn says making him smile widely.

"It's been too long since we've seen you Y/N, how have you been?" Jasmin asks. He lifts his head from my neck and speaks.

"Better now that you guys are here, I haven't really been feeling the best since I've been on my own, I'm so glad you're here Jenna." I hold him and rub his back in comfort.

I want him to really enjoy his birthday today, I already have stuff waiting for him at home. I think he's gonna love it. "Let's go do some shopping and then we'll go home, I have a surprise for you." His eyes lit up and I kiss his cheeks.

- 2 hours later

Y/N drove behind me as we made our way back home. Jasmin and Devyn went home soon after we shopping. We park up to the driveway and he joins me at the front door.

"Close your eyes, birthday boy" I ask and he looks at me with caution.

"What are you planning now, Ortega?" He asks me; suspicion in his voice.

"Just close them silly" he obliged and I take his hand to guide him to his surprise. We reach the living room. "Okay, open your eyes sweetheart."

He opened them and is met with countless presents ranging from: action figures and Lego sets from their favourite franchise, new clothes, PC parts and much much more. I wanted to spoil him and make up for the 20 years of birthdays he missed out on. He looked like he was on the verge of tears.

"Jenna... is this all mine?" He asked, still not believing that he finally had a proper birthday.

"All yours, sweetness" I hug him as tight as I can, he cries into my shoulder out of, what I can only assume, happiness. "Don't cry honey, it's okay. That's all for you because I love you so so much, you deserve this my love, you deserve the world." I cooed softly.

"Thank you so much" he said through his cries.

"You're so welcome, my beautiful birthday boy." I say then kiss his forehead, cheeks and lips.

"Wait here, baby boy" I head into the kitchen and grab his cake. I light the candles and head back into the living room.

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Y/N, happy birthday to you." I sing and he blows out his candles.

I cheer and set the cake on the table. He smiled so brightly, he finally got to have a real birthday to celebrate.

Happy birthday Y/N.

A/N

Not my birthday, but I thought it'd make a good story. I hope you enjoyed.

[ikamigami]

I'M LEAVING SAMS FANDOM

And I won't continue watching any of these shows..

I decided that I can't enjoy Sun and Moon Show anymore when Davis and EC decided to mock me (and many fans with mental issues) instead of just post something on social media that would clarify everything.

Regardless of their true intentions people were hurt and it doesn't seem like they plan to apologize for this.

They want us fans to feel sorry for the fact that they decided themselves to post these episodes daily and because they're a small team they don't have a time to make their story more clear.

Many people who were self-projecting onto Sun and who made headcanons or just saw him as suicidal did that as a way to cope with their own mental issues and trauma. None of us were forcing anything on Davis and EC.. I definitely wasn't doing that - I don't know them.. I don't even know where they live.. I don't know who they're friends with.. I don't even follow (in a sense that I'm checking their social media) their social media - I only ocassionally see some posts on X from Davis because I followed him but like I said I don't spend my time to see what Davis and EC are doing.. I have my own life, my own struggles to care about and I thought that Sun and Moon Show can be a fun escape for me which turned out to be the opposite..

It hurts a lot because thanks to this show and thanks to Sun's character I finally reflected on myself and my own experiences.. and I was finally able to put together the broken pieces of myself..

They say that we're assuming something about Davis and EC but they're doing exactly the same thing when they portray us as creepy and disturbing fans.

Many people felt disgusted by that episode. And yet they didn't even care to make any clarifications because they don't give a damn.

I'm sorry that I didn't believe those people (who used to be fans of these shows) that Davis and EC don't treat mental issues with respect and that they mock people who have these mental issues.

I'm saying all of this as someone who really tried to defend Davis and EC's decisions many times. Trying to defend the way they portray mental issues. Trying to support them.

And what it left me with? The awful mockery.

I'm sure that they assumed some horrible things about me because of some well known fans in this fandom who were trying to paint me in awful light - that I'm disturbing for relating to Sun in more dark way (I saw Sun's behaviour and thought to myself that he act like me in many situations and the things he went through reminded me of my own experiences hence why I thought that he might struggle with similar mental issues to mine which also include being suicidal - I was passively suicidal for quite some time). These bigger names were laughing at my theories just because they didn't turn out to be true but they didn't care that the topic of suicide is something serious to me. They were bullying me. They also lied that I dragged anyone into discussions about this topic when it never happened. I'm talking mainly about a person behind Twinanimatronics blog. They told this lie when they assumed that I posted something on Tsams Confessions blog - where in fact someone just tried to defend me. And they did all of that behind my back - because they blocked me.

I was spiraling into despair and my mental state worsened when I've seen these awful accusations about me..

This fandom is toxic. Davis and EC can't act like adults but decide to mock fans.. even though the way they portrayed their characters drawed fans who has mental issues because they saw themselves in these characters.. and what they got is awful mockery..

My advice is to avoid Sun and Moon Show and any of these shows especially if you suffer from mental issues and especially if you struggle with suicidal thoughts.

I'm grateful that I met in this fandom some amazing people who showed me tons of support ^^

I can't thank enough to any of them for their support and kindness and lots of care they showed me 💗 Thank you ^^

I'll still keep in touch with my friends who I met through this fandom ^^

[fortunefavourstheboldau]

chapter 2: psych evals

Staring at the board filled with silly posters as a false 'we care about you!' from Pony Express, Curly contemplated just giving her the fake, overly cheery mask he usually put on during the psych evals. If he answered properly, and she questioned his mental status, Jimmy would likely be put as temporary caption. He shuddered at the thought. He'd rather Daisuke as a temporary captain, even with his inexperience.

"God, I know you hate these psych evals, Captain; but I would prefer you to not just repeat the same answers as last time... Can you please try this time?"

Anya sighed, grabbing Curly's hand. It felt strange to even have hands, let alone someone touch them - after the months of staring at the ceiling. The specifics of how he was here now though, had made him spiral into a tizzy; desperately trying to figure out if those memories were real or if it was a warning from some past life.

"You know me too well, Anya. I can't make any promises though. Don't want good ol' Jimbo acting as captain if I'm off my rocker."

He grimaced at that thought, but a twinge of guilt tug at his heartstrings. If his memory served him correctly, Jimmy had already impregnated the poor woman, but she hadn't had the courage to talk to Curly about it yet. Fuck, if only Curly had just- not struggled when Jim did what he wanted to him. If only he'd laid there, instead of trying to tell the guy, "I got you a new job, isn't that enough? What more do you want from me?". The logical part of him laughed at the thought. Jimmy would've done it anyways. Jimmy still came in, night after night, when Curly told him that enough was enough. But he couldn't just get rid of the guy. He'd stupidly recommended the guy as his co-pilot, and now Jimmy was needed in case something happened to him.

"... Yeah. I uh.. I like your authority better, Curly. You're a good guy."

Anya whispered, loud enough so Curly could hear, but quiet enough so no one else could. He looked down, analysing her now sombre face. She fidgeted with the callouses on his pointer, nervously trying to distract the both of them to avoid further discussion of that. Curly laughed nervously, attempting to take the hint,

"So, what's our first question, Dr Anya?"

She grinned, letting go of his hand to grab the checklist and her favourite pen, white with flowery stickers adorning it.

"You flatter me. Anyways the first question is.."

Anya scanned the page, clicking the pen as she read the words.

"Do you have any issues sleeping, or eating?"

Curly stared at the floor, guiltily, her eyes following his. He coughed, clearing his throat nervously, trying to keep his accent from messing with the clarity of his answers. These damn evals were recorded, in case the company decided to sue the crew for potential damages caused on the trip. They especially hated his mixture of a Scottish/Australian accent.

"Yeah, I've had some trouble getting to sleep, but I always stick to my 5 regulated hours. Haven't had any issue eating, other than the usual trying to force down slop."

That was a lie. Even before the crash, he'd had maybe 3 hours of sleep on a good day, and those came rarely. 30 minutes was his regular, and that left him with some of the worst headaches and brain fog. The brain fog was honestly the worst part. Everyone needed something from him, day in and day out, and he wanted to give them the best version of himself he could manage but the fog made that pretty damn hard. He ate sometimes, when he could stomach it. In a fucked up way, it was kinda funny. On Earth, he ate pretty much whenever he could afford it. Jimmy used to tease him for it, but he'd jokingly punch the guy in return, telling him "Oi mate, you can make fun of me when your gains are as nice as these." Now, he was a shadow of his former self, a shell of the brilliant, strong Grant Curly. He couldn't admit that on the cameras though. Anya tapped him on the wrist with her pen.

"Grant? You alright?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm alright, Anya. Let's continue."

She sighed, switching the camera off. Curly flinched at the fizzling sound that echoed from the old camera.

"Curly, I'm serious. Talk to me. None of this has to go on the records."

"Anya..."

She stood up, walking over to kneel beside him. Despite being Russian, she was still relatively short. He thought it might've been the half-Japanese in her.

"I want you to talk to me, as a friend, not as your nurse. I haven't seen you eat breakfast in at least 3 months, and your light in your room is always on when I walk back to my room right before the moonlight screen transitions to the sunrise screen. I know something's wrong."

Curly turned his head, guiltily avoiding eye contact. He should be the one saying that to her. He should be the one sitting her down, asking her what's wrong, comforting her and telling her he'll really find a way to deal with Jimmy. He should've done that a long time ago, and yet it was her doing it for him, instead of him doing the damn right thing and doing it for her.

"Curly, please look at me. I'm... I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to help you."

He made a small, stupid noise reminiscent of a pained whimper, and turned his head to look at her.

"It should be me instead of you, Anya. I'm so sorry"

Anya flinched, using her elbow to catch herself from falling. She looked on the brink of tears, heaving with every breath.

"Come.. Come again?"

"I should've never gotten him the job. I should've just let him do it to me, instead. I should've just taken it, instead of fighting back every night. I-I should've bargained with Pony for locks on the damn doors, for anything to protect you. I failed-"

"Stop. How do you know what he did to me?"

Fuck. What excuse could he tell her? "Oh yeah, in a past life I failed you and didn't do shit against Jimmy, and so I know he did it. Oh I promise I'm going to fight against him, and find a way to protect you, when I've already failed you twice." Curly fidgeted with a loose curl hanging by his ear.

"I uh.. I took a short course in training that detailed these sorts of... incidents ."

"Has he been.. doing the same thing to you?"

Curly tugged on the curl, panicked.

"No, no it's not the same. He told me he needed it, and that he was at risk of hurting our friends, and now crew if I didn't let him have it.. so I let him, for a couple years. It's not the same as yours."

"Just because you 'let him' do it, doesn't mean it was consensual. You didn't want him to do that."

Curly stood up, blood rushing to his head as he did so. He'd deal with the 'almost passing out' part later, if he could help it.

"Can I give you a hug, Anya? I think that's enough of me talking"

"Huh? Oh uh.. sure. That would be nice."

He wobbled over to her, vision blurring with black spots. Curly hated when that happened. The dizziness and the tremors were fine, but the black spots that flooded his vision were the worst.

"You never deserved any of that, Anya."

Curly hugged her, pulling her close to him, but leaving his grip light enough so she could bolt if she needed to. She sobbed into his chest, flooding the tacky blue fabric with tears. He stroked her back, drawing circles into the crevices of her spine.

"He start-started off nice at first. He told me I was a wonderful nurse, and I would.. make a great mother."

She choked up on the last part, shaking even more with every word.

"I didn't mind, but he kept complimenting me, and the compliments got even more sexual, and I ended up telling him I didn't.. didn't like him like that, and he lashed out, and at first slapped me. Then he'd sneak his way into my chambers at night, after offering me a cup of tea, that I later found out was drugged, and he'd have his way with me. I-I.."

A knocking rang at the door, loud and harsh.

"It's been a fucking hour in there, assholes! Hurry the fuck up, cause some of us have places to be!"

Jimmy. Anya's sobs grew harder, now clawing at the fabric on Curly's back, yet she'd practised hiding the sound of her cries. He couldn't let Jimmy see or hear her like this. Curly yelled back,

"Your schedule's practically empty. What places are you fucken plannng to be?"

He heard a barely controlled cackle, and a violent bash on the door.

"Dickhead, you changed it so I would teach Daisuke some basic flight skills! Come out here and look at it, smart guy."

Curly looked down at Anya, who stared back in fear.

"Lock the door behind me."

"I don't want him in here, Curly."

God no, he wouldn't force Anya to face Jimmy. That'd be the absolute worst thing he could do right now.

"No, that's not what I meant. Give me his psych eval sheet. You stay in here, and lock the door when I leave."

She paused, pushing herself off him.

"No! He'll do something to you, I know it."

Curly sighed, pushing the fear down into his stomach. He'd deal with that later. Right now, he needed to really be a captain. And that would start with not letting Anya be in the same room as her abuser.

"Captain's orders, Anya. I mean it."

fic link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/61405324/chapters/157084453

[speakgermanhier]

Mutually Exclusive Theories and Yet, I Can See Both Working--4 Minutes BL *Spoilers to ep 4*

I have two theories swirling around my head and they are basically the opposites of each other. But, whatever, I've put on my clown makeup, so here we go.

TL;DR Great and Tyme never met and are just 2 strangers that happen to be experiencing death at the same time and/or Great is trying, and failing, to erase himself from Tyme's life a la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Theory 1: Great and Tyme never actually met and the universe decided to take that personally. Therefore, the universe, or someone pulling the strings, makes changes to see how to get their ship together.

I think this because the decisions we see Great, and to a lesser extent Tyme, make continually lead to him and Tyme missing each other. And each time Great is sent back 4 minutes, he and Tyme get closer and closer.

Evidence: Universe gives Great a Do-Over

Hit and Run: Great hits the woman, she dies, Great drives away and is never associated with the collision. Therefore, Great never goes to the hospital to drop off the flowers and never meets Tyme. Boo. And thus, this is the only part of the show that actually happened. Great and Tyme never met, end of series. Except!

A Different Kind of Hit and Run: Great doesn't drive away after hitting the woman. Yay, he's at the hospital now and can meet Tyme! Except, he's freaked out by his conversation with the woman, runs into Tyme, doesn't really look at him at all and keeps going even after knocking all the papers on the floor, irritating Tyme and making him think of Great in a negative light. Great will never return to the hospital, Tyme will forget about the rude, inconsequential incident, and they will never associate further. Not on my watch!

Dome's Murder: Great doesn't talk with the woman, doesn't get freaked out, and so is polite and respectful when bumping into Tyme. Yay, they have a perfectly fine meet-cute, the universe is getting somewhere. As an extra bonus, get a sneak peak into what mind-blowing sex you two could have ;) Doesn't follow the 4 minutes because it never actually happened because they never actually met. Which is a tragedy when these kind of orgasms are out there, just waiting to be experienced.

Progress! Except! Title murders Dome and now Great is an accessory and that's just not a good look. Plus, now that the flowers are delivered, there's really no reason for Great to go back to the hospital. All the potential of that meet-cute but how to get a follow-up encounter? Great saves Dome's life! Not only does Dome need medical care, so does Great. He can now show up in front of Doctor Tyme as a brave hero AND an injured meow meow who needs hurt/comfort attention.

4. Great is being difficult: Great and Tyme have exchanged their numbers on LINE, Tyme has saved Great's life on top of taking care of his injury, the doctor has been thoughtful and attentive and heroic and when he asks Great out to dinner, Great says "another time" which is "no" >:( Does the universe have to do everything?!

5. Nan is captured: A meet-cute leads to a cute date, leads to some vulnerability and unburdening of pasts. More progress! But Nan is in the clutches of criminals. This is a huge weight on Tyme, who is now desperate and stressed, a trapped animal who lashes out and Great is the one to get scratched (figuratively). They fight on the roof and Tyme storms off, wanting nothing more to do with Great. And we can't have that.

6. Nan's rescue: So, clearly Great needs to know why Tyme is so stressed (Nan) so that he can show he is on Tyme's side and willing to help so that they can actually talk instead of fight. Except Sa-Marn kills Nan, which will cause Tyme to spiral, possibly Great as well, as guilt destroys Tyme from the inside out. Not a great foundation for the start of a cute romance. Plus, you know, a woman is dead and that's just not cool. So, rewrite, fantastic idea, Great SAVES Nan, and now everyone is alive, Great and Tyme are riding high on their success and adrenaline and can finally have a Great Time™️ in bed, as it was meant to be. 4 more episodes what?

Theory 2: The first timeline we see before Great is sent back 4 minutes is not actually the original timeline but is actually Great trying to create a world where he never gets involved with Tyme. But, you can't change the past and so all his attempts fail and he is sent back 4 minutes to reexperience the true timeline.

Evidence: Great Thinks Tyme is Better Off Without Him

I don't really have point for point evidence for this one, it's just a thought I had. Given that this is a twisty-turny show that distorts time, the thought "How can we assume that what Great, and thus the audience, experiences first is actually what happened first?" What if what we see SECOND is actually the true, original timeline and it led to Tyme getting shot and Great, in his guilt, is trying to redo all the events that led to him and Tyme getting together but so that they DON'T get together. Only, you can't change the past, only relive it, so every change he tries to make that will ensure he and Tyme don't meet, don't get together, don't understand each other, he gets sent back and those changes get erased and it all just happens again like it originally did. Doesn't seem likely but it's fun to think about.

[aethersjournal]

Hey girl!! Im into robotic affirming and I got some amazing results but idk why I have hard time ignoring the 3d. I live with my parents and they always say no do this and that and I'm fed up cuz I want to do whatever I want and whenever I do self concept and I write down a script for my parents for princess treatment. But whenever they say smth I got Upset or sad that why I'm not coming out from this reality. Sometimes I feel like giving up from my life. I'm 23 and I feel like I've lived enough. Pls advice me what to do and how to stick to my affirmations. And plus ignore the 3d while manifesting the good environment as I don't want anything bad .

Hey girl! Can totally relate to you. I am south asian so I know how triggering the family environment can seem.

First thing that I want to address is that it will get better. DON’T GIVE UP. If you feel that you need help please contact professionals. This is just loa advice but please take care of your mental health 🧡

From what I can gather from the situation is that you feel upset and maybe you think some not so good thoughts and you assume that you have ruined your manifestation.

I want to tell you that you absolutely did not. Things happen and one time or the other, we have all been really triggered by our environment.

What I want you to do everytime you “spiral”, is take a deep breath and try to clear your mind of thoughts, maybe do some EFT tapping if you want to. And then tell yourself, that you still have your desires. Go back to affirming. You don't have to believe it just repeat it.

Again, it is okay if you are getting negative thoughts as long as you flip it. I would also recommend you revise the situation that triggered you.

I always try to give you guys some practical steps and instructions to follow so I would also recommend this exercise that has really helped me. It is this revision exercise that I do and i think I have heard Sammy Ingram talk about this so credits to her.

Exercise:

(Disclaimer: You don't have to do this exercise if you don't want to or resonate with it. It is just something that has helped me in my personal experience. Even if you just follow the advice i had mentioned above and stick to it, you will get your results.

Also, you can alter this exercise to fit your preferences and decide if you want to visualise or hear thoughts.)

When it is night time and you are about to go to sleep. I want you to meditate. Now once the your mind is more focused, I want you to think back to your day.

Replay it but this time I want you to play a different script in your mind. If anything unfavorable happened or if something you wanted did not happen, imagine that it went exactly your way instead.

Replay it over and over again until you feel satisfied. You can turn this into sats and fall asleep.

Do this everynight along with regular affirming during the day.

Sorry if this is a long reply but in short do what you need to do in the 3d, acknowledge your feelings, cry it out.

All you need to do is come back to imagination again and affirm/think thoughts in line with your desires.

The more and more you practice this. The easier it will get over time.

Our brain is not used to thinking in favor of our desires due to societal conditioning. What we are doing is retraining it to think how we want it to think.

Anyways, I really hope this helped you. 🧡

Don't give up, your life is precious 🫶🏻. If you know about the law it's cause you were meant to.

[soaringthoughts]

:: A MISFORTUNE'S VESSEL. (chapter 2)

[ lowercase intended. ] a misfortune's vessel : chapter 2/? chapter - 1 PAIRINGS: aqua hoshino x reader

A/N: I actually didn’t expect for people to see and read my work, but here we go! School just finished for me and I just graduated so I've been very busy for the past month and wasn't able to update.

I procrastinated too much on this.. But now I finally finished it. ╰(❁´◡`❁)╯

word count: 3492 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

it felt as though time had flown. you're glad that your body is finally capable of self care.

what relieves you the most is that you finally reached the age where people wouldn't suspect you for walking and talking.

it didn't take long before you can finally stand up on your own two feet, you've always sworn to never leave your crib at all rather than do all the crawling.

everything changed, however, when the news regarding Ai reached you.

you didn't get to hear an ounce of it from Miyako. but due to Ai's popularity, the news spread like wildfire all across the internet.

you were devastated. Ai passing away was the least thing you'd expect to receive after not hearing from her for years.

it made you wonder, what about Aqua and Ruby?

you can't gather the wits to ask Miyako about it. perhaps letting her recover from it would be the wiser decision.

over the past years since the incident, you barely got any attention from your parents.

Saito deserted his responsibilities. he spiraled into depression and disappeared from the company grounds. perhaps it was because of what happened to Ai.

it was all so sudden that Miyako was forced to be bombarded with these responsibilities, which only occupied more of her time so you barely got a chance to see her.

you are often alone at home, well at least that's how you felt. Saito stayed with you, but he would often lock himself up in his room and only come out to eat or use the bathroom.

hell, he even wastes his time on drinking alcohol and only gives you money just so you could take care of yourself.

Miyako, however, thought that this was bad parenting and so she decided to leave you with a babysitter.

you were upset as to why her, your own mother, is out there taking care of other children instead of her own daughter.

but you were considerate enough to understand that she's still working for strawberry productions which concludes of being present at her workplace most of the time.

but despite all that, you still managed to graduate from primary school and live your life as it is.

you are currently a highschooler. and for this next school year, you are struck by the decision of whether to take general or entertainment program for your new school.

you've always wanted to be an iconic idol like Ai but after hearing Miyako's opinion regarding this matter, you've decided to just pursue being an average student.

she didn't sound too supportive of it, especially after what happened to Ai.

being an idol really does have its ups and downs.

“I'm going.” not sounding too optimistic, Miyako was concerned by your well-being.

“I'll give you a ride.” Miyako snatched her car keys from the kitchenette's counter, accompanying you outside the house to head for the car.

normally, the atmosphere between you two is awkward. perhaps it's due to the relationship you both have and from the times that you two barely spend time together.

but today seemed different. unlike before, Miyako seemed to be more talkative around you after the disagreement you had regarding being an idol.

“I'm sorry, [Name].” Miyako tried to clear the atmosphere. but the rest of the ride was in silence, almost deafening at that.

you didn't have any response to this. you had already given up from the start, or so you thought.

taking things slow, that's your current objective.

“I believe in you, good luck.” as soon as you arrived at the destination, you stepped out of the car.

brushing a hair strand to tuck it behind your ears, Miyako's lips lifted into a bittersweet smile. perhaps it was due to her stress. but despite that, you took her smile all whole-heartedly.

“Thank you, mom.” with the return of a heartwarming smile, Miyako gave you a gentle squeeze of a hug before you head inside.

the school didn't look all too fancy, it didn't look all too good-for-nothing either. just an average school to be precise.

the clanks of your shoes reverberated through the school halls as you made your way inside.

the campus looked almost empty, but you were still passing by a few students throughout the way. perhaps they were also here for the enrollment.

you fixated your gaze over the plates of each classroom you are passing by to look for the general program you'll enroll in. it didn't take long, you eventually stumbled upon the said room as you lined yourself up with the students who also seemed to be here for this strand.

there was nothing special about the area. the building was simply structured and barely furnished. the atmosphere was dull. but perhaps it's because it's a new opened school.

as you got done signing the papers and passing the qualifications and requirements for your enrollment, which took a toll of time, you returned outside the halls and started heading back into the direction from where you came from to head back home.

it was quick, the long line was what kept you in.

unlike earlier, the sun seemed to shine brighter now. the rays of it reflected through the hall windows and over your figure. it was almost blinding.

you were able to see the hallways more properly. now that it's lit up, it actually doesn't look that bad.

you made your way throughout the area, standing out in your proper school attire and your bag slinged in your back.

your mind was stirred with your current emotions of what you feel about your upcoming school year. your mood swinging from both anticipation and nervousness at the same time. even though it's just the same strand you chose in your past life.

almost drowning in your thoughts, you didn't notice the group of people you bumped on. specifically a girl that's facing the opposite direction.

they seemed to be arguing about something, or maybe that's what you thought.

“Oh?- are you alright?” the girl was startled and swiftly turned around to check you out. luckily, it was just a small bump so you managed to stay on your ground.

you were in daze by the familiarity of her voice. you blinked a couple of times to clear your sight, before taking in the figure of the girl, along with two other people with her.

the two that were right in front of you were lookalikes despite the opposite genders they are, they must be identical twins.

as for the other girl on their back, she was immediately silenced by the sight. she had scarlet orbs and hair locks unlike the two.

you felt the guy's gaze dart at you, as if examining your features. “..[Name]?” as well as the girl, the guy's voice also seemed all too familiar.

you were surprised by how he knew your name. and that's when it finally rang a bell, it was Aqua and Ruby.

“You guys..” was all you managed to mutter. you were still in shock by the sudden encounter. you didn't expect that you'd reunite with them here, out of all places.

considering the school attire they are also in, it was obvious that they are also enrolled for this school.

you can say that nothing much changed. they were still the twins that you knew.

Aqua is still as stoic as ever. his phlegmatic tone remains the same. Ruby, still a bundle of joy, much to your surprise.

Unlike Aqua, Ruby is still as talkative as ever when comparing the two, “Aw, is that all you have to say? it has been years!” to your surprise, the two seemed to still get along with you despite not seeing each other for years.

you indulged in a small conversation, mostly about updating yourselves about what happened over the years of being separated.

“So, what program did you take?” just as Aqua had decided to chime in, the atmosphere immediately shifted from someone clearing their throat. done on purpose.

that's when you remembered that the two were also with someone else.

“I'm still here, you know.” said the 'unknown' girl to ease the atmosphere, almost feeling bad for leaving her in the dark from the reunion of you three.

she had red locks with a length that extends to the central of her neck. as well as cerise doe eyes that somehow resembles Ruby's, which complements to the color scheme of her hair.

she had a navy blue beret on, unlike you, Ruby, and the rest of the females in the school. making her stand out.

“Well.. this is kind of a personal matter, [Name] is a friend that we haven't seen for years.”

you didn't expect for Aqua to respond, but you were glad that he is finally somehow being more open than letting Ruby do all the talking.

this earned a scoff from the girl, a name that is still unknown. “Maybe let me chime in at least.. maybe we can get along.”

although you appreciated the fact that this girl was willing to talk with you, you can't help but wonder if she only said that so she wouldn't feel left out.

setting your thoughts aside, you decided to conversate anyway.

“I'm [name].” there was no need for formalities, and so you decided to just simply introduce yourself by letting her know your name. you're awkward at starting conversations after all.

“I'm Kana!”

and without a word, the girl, who is named Kana now that you knew, slipped in between the twins to close the distance between the two of you.

she abruptly dragged you by the arm with a gentle grip, turning you two away from the twins as she whispered in your ear, “So.. are you and Aqua dating?”

this question caught you off guard, especially from someone you've barely met for an hour. not even for 15 minutes.

“huh? no, we're not.” you whispered back in a sheepish manner. you didn't even know why this girl, who is practically still a stranger, would ask this.

the situation was overly awkward. you felt the eyes of the twins watching both of you from behind.

“Really?” Kana exclaimed with a hint of enthusiasm in her tone, her voice now more audible that it was probably heard by the other two. shortly after the realization sinks in, she immediately clears her throat to brush the awkward atmosphere off.

“I- I mean, really?” she followed with her voice now less excited than before to cover her excitement up.

the two of you then turned back around after clearing Kana's question up, now facing the twins once more.

the twins glanced at each other's faces as if communicating by thoughts, confusion evident in their expressions. “What was that about?” asked Ruby, staring at the two of you intently.

“Nothing!~” said Kana, with the brightest smile on her face. “Don't tell them I asked you that, okay?” she whispered once more, in which you gave a nod of approval. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“For how long are you two going to keep on following me?” Aqua remarked in his usual tone.

― “Until you answer all my questions!” said Kana.

― “I'm not. I'm headed in the same direction.”

he simply hummed at the difference of your responses, spiced with a hint of displease from Kana's perseverance.

the two went on in their way with a small conversation, although it was mostly Kana just bombarding Aqua with questions.

you were headed for the same path as Aqua, it just happened that your destination was the same route as his.

throughout the entire conversation of the two, you were quiet. but you couldn't help but pique curiosity from their topic, especially from how persistent Kana is to suggest Aqua to continue acting.

so he used to be an actor? a child one at that. or so you thought.

“I'm headed that way, see you two.” you pointed in the opposite direction of two paths you three came across. this time, your route is now different from what they are taking. so you decided to inform them of your route before parting your ways.

“Wait! Why don't you come with us, [Name]? Aqua and I were just planning for a hangout so you might as well come,”

you abruptly stopped on your tracks from hearing Kana. you then turned around to face them again, an inviting expression on Kana's face in contrast to Aqua's impassive ones.

“No we're not.” Aqua remarked,

“Come on, Aqua! you haven't seen us both for a very long time!”

“My destination is not somewhere that will keep you two entertained.”

“As long as the three of us can hold a conversation..”

“Fine.”

it took a chunk of Kana's convincing before finally persuading Aqua into it. it made you wonder as to how she can even handle his unexpressive attitude.

she waved her hand at you to call you back. and so you decided to come along since you were free after all.

“Oh, Kana Arima. I haven't seen you in so long― and..? Aqua's girlfriend?”

almost choking from your own saliva, you cleared your throat awkwardly and as well as Aqua. do old people just often ask the most off-putting questions and embarrassing things?

“No, we're not. I'm a friend. That happened to end up here for a hangout.” you emphasized the word 'hangout', as if not expecting for it to occur in some strange old man's room. you didn't even know the guy.

with a chuckle, the man twisted his chair to face you three. “I see, I see. I was kidding.”

“That wasn't very funny..” said Kana who was patting your back to ease you from the coughing, the situation almost dramatic.

the room was then eventually beaming with a light atmosphere as you all conversed with general topics regarding your lives. such as school, relationships, and.. acting, which you cannot relate to.

but despite that, you all got along despite you just meeting the other two this day.

a while after for what seemed like an hour, you four were invited to dinner by an elderly woman that barged into the room, in which you all complied.

the dining table was in silence as you all fixated your attention on the food. but the silence was also broken from time to time with short paced conversations.

“So you still live off your parents, Director.” Kana remarked in the most casual tone.

'that wasn't his wife?..' you thought to yourself. it was bizarre to think about now that Kana mentioned it.

the dinner went on with them talking about the careers they used to have with acting. it seems that Kana was still in it, unlike Aqua who apparently already quit a long time ago.

of course, they made sure to include you in as well, asking you about your route in life and as well as your interest in acting.

and so you just found out that the man used to be a director.

hell, Kana even suggested you to be an actress with her.

she really is a persistent person. she even offered to give you a training after excusing yourself that you're not fond of acting. she seemed really desperate to have a friend with her.

if only they knew how talentless you were in your past life.

but that was in the past.. right?

even so, that fact deteriorated your self-esteem despite living in a new body that is probably way better than your previous one.

it didn't take long before the sun went down. only then you realized that you spent too much time in the hangout.

Miyako must be worried by now..

as you three dismissed yourself from the director's house, Kana parted her way. her dorm was in the opposite direction unlike you who's headed for the same destination with Aqua, which is the bus station.

the walk was quiet, considering the two of you are not fond of idle chit-chatting. but of course, the tension was less awkward with a few chats.

shortly after reaching the bus station, the both of you sat on the bench.

the next bus was the last, so it's only good that you two made it in time.

the surroundings were dark. the moonlight barely lit the ground, the only light source being the flickering street lamp that was beside the bench.

“I didn't know you did acting.” you suddenly commented to put a halt to the silence.

“Not for long. It's not my course.” Aqua simply remarked. he was still a tad replier up until now.

you were slightly taken in by surprise. throughout the hangout with Kana complimenting his skills, you didn't expect him to actually dislike acting.

“So you didn't take entertainment program?”

“I took general program. I wasn't even fit to act in the first place.”

“Shame.. I would've liked to see you perform.”

“Enough about me. You took the general program too, right?”

your face shifted into one of intrigue at Aqua's response. it was nice to finally have a talk with him after hours of just awkward greetings. much to your surprise, now that you two were alone.

“I did. It would be a good coincidence if we end up in the same batch!” this earned a hum from Aqua, not showing any signs of displease of having you as a classmate.

“Hm, you're right. But it seems less likely to happen considering the amount of those that applied.”

just as you two were finally conversing once again, the moment was interrupted when the bus had finally arrived.

you two rose up from your seats to quickly head inside, not wasting any matter of second in order to not miss the bus.

the vehicle immediately drove off as you two got in despite not even getting a seat. this caused you to almost stumble, in which you managed to stay on ground by holding onto a pole and with Aqua's hands firmly grasped in your arms from behind.

“Thank you―” you sheepishly remarked, returning with a simple nod from Aqua.

you two got further inside the bus, only realizing that all the seats were full.

that must be why the driver immediately drove off, because there were no seats left available.

just then, the driver abruptly stomped the brake, causing the both of you to stumble once again.

good thing the both of you were strong enough to stay on your grounds.

as the bus stopped, one passenger left his seat as he left the bus for his stop. the bus drove off again shortly after.

you two eyed the seat.

“You sit.” said Aqua, gently shoving you closer to the available seat. of course you couldn't refuse due to how exhausted you are from the day.

as you sat, Aqua stood beside you as he held onto the bus hanger for support.

the ride was surprisingly long. and the silence was frequently broken with small talks.

you shared stories, emotions, and laughter― well, something Aqua didn't reciprocate to say the least.

he was still as stoic as ever. but that's what makes him recognizable from all the people you know. and somehow, with that distinctive demeanor of his, it reminds you of someone. 'what was his name again?..' you couldn't quite remember his name, but his face was still as clear as skies in your mind. all that you know is that it was someone in your past life.

it didn't take long before you reached your stop. you were first to get off the bus before Aqua.

“See you, Aqua.” you waved your goodbye and rose up from your seat, stealing one last glance on him.

“See you, [Name].” he returned. as you eyed your gaze on him, you noticed the faint smile that lifted up on his lips. one you've never seen from him before.

maybe you only stereotyped him of not having emotions at all, that he's unexpressive.

now you found out that he actually is, well, except for his friends.

but with all those thoughts aside, you can't help but notice how good he looked with a smile. almost charismatic.

“You should smile more often. You'd get a lot of girls.” you playfully remarked with the smuggest look you had.

his face immediately shifted back into his neutral one, as if masking his smile. in which you found kind of funny.

“Is anyone going or not?” the driver eventually spoke, impatiently tapping his foot on the bus floor as if a sign to skip the stop if no one's going down.

not wasting anymore time, you quickly got off the bus. and with a few studs of walk, you finally arrived back at home. mind at ease from having to reunite with your friend. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taglist: @lumiriai, @miyakoa, @dododododooosworld, @kimiko-the-angel, @fukumiai, @kat-kaps, @karma-gisa

[awhkacey]

HAIIII huge huge fan of your blog, this isn't an ask or anything i just wanted to share an epiphany i had recently that i really hope can help to inspire others who used to be in my position

i'm currently 18, and i've wasted my whole teens being unconfident and doubting myself. i would constantly self-loathe and compare myself to other girls my age constantly wondering why i wasn't as pretty or why i guys didn't like me (btw i'm actually quite stunning, but due to a lot of childhood trauma and depression i refused to accept that). i was going down another spiral this morning, when something just...clicked. who tf said that i wasn't beautiful? who said that i wasn't worthy? who said that i should be spending the best years of my life wallowing in bed about what "could've" been instead of actually getting up and making the most of the time that i have left? who tf ever said that i wasn't allowed to have confidence?

it was really minor, but i just began hyping myself up non-stop in the mirror, really taking the time to study myself and my features, and i realized....i look like a literal barbie doll and here i am crying about some dusty not liking me 😭 like girl STAND UP. and idk ever since then i just felt this weight lift off of my shoulders and i just feel so light and free and happy in a way that i can't even fully describe

it's one thing to just have someone tell you to believe in yourself, but it's something entirely different when you really just stop and take note of where you currently are and take accountability for it.

i just wanted to share hehe

EXACTLY!! You are beautiful, worthy confident, and everything you decide to be because you have realised that and decided! as soon as you realise that the only one that can make you a certain way or feel a certain way is yourself that is the ultimate power. im so glad you have realised your undeniable worth bab, im so proud of you!

[cappuccinoandglitter]

2024 Creativity Recap

I was tagged by @do-androids-dream-ao3acc to do this. I think it sounds fun so here goes.

I've been writing for my entire life but 2024 was the year I came back to fanfiction (for context, the last time I wrote fanfiction was before AO3 was even a thing--or I was not aware of it in the early days--and I think it was mostly self-insert Xena or Highlander stuff, so yeah, way back then).

It was Buck and Tommy who brought me back in. I just couldn't resist them. So on AO3 I have 117,674 words about them, spread across 5 fandoms (if you count Lone Star as separate from 9-1-1).

2 series, 7 works.

Practically Everything | Part 1 of Who Wants to Live Forever, because we never truly left the Highlander fandom. There's a lot Buck doesn't know about Tommy, including that he's an immortal born in the 1800s.

Flags | A little one-shot about Buck and Tommy attending their first Pride festival together.

Lightning Strikes Twice | Sequel to Practically Everything, where we learn more about immortals, what the fuck happened between Buck and Lucy in part one, and we meet Andromache of Scythia.

It's not what you think | When Tevan fandom was dealing with the breakup by jumping on the SWAT bus, and all the Rocker fics started popping up, I contributed.

Let's Try Being In Love | My most popularest boy. Born of the idea 'what if Tommy was a dispatcher and he took the home invasion call instead of Abby in the pilot episode?' and it just spiraled from there.

Step Into The Light | Sequel to Let's Try Being In Love, because I really grew to love this Dispatcher Tommy AU and a lot of people seemed to also enjoy it.

Hero Worship | I always thought Connor and Buck had an unrequited or mutual but secret crush. Then I saw the same actor play a firefighter on SWAT and since we've all decided that SWAT and 9-1-1 share a universe, and since the latter has already established identical cousins are a thing that exists, I decided Connor joined the LAFD and started fucking Tommy's cousin Rocker. WIP.

[hellsite-yano]

Porky, I wanna know how you keep your head up high. I don't wanna share my sob story and general negativity, but it seems that I can get into really depressing spirals sometimes and then when I bring up concerns I have I get called a doomer. Aside from just not caring, how do you remain positive?

I've been stewing on this message for about a month cause I received it at a particularly low point. I know you said you don't wanna share your sob story so I hope you don't mind if I share a bit of mine.

Basically the landlord decided to sell the place I've been living in with my fiance for about 7 years. This was obviously devastating, especially for my fiancee who had to put 70% of her things into storage. After some initial friction between me and my family who were happy to have me back except my kinda neurotic brother, we're staying in their (very small) spare room.

The other issue is that my mum's bed-bound, which is fine, but she needs constant care so the flat is basically a revolving door of carers and district nurses and constantly seeing (and having to constantly let in) strangers is pretty awkward and tiring. I understand this is nobody's fault though, it's just a huge difference to the quiet home life I'm used to. Doesn't help that the building's next to a main road as well.

My auntie also pops in from time to time and while I'm grateful for everything she's done for my mum (basically uplifting her whole life for the past 5 years to constantly make trips to her) and me (buying us furniture and such when we were moving in), she very clearly has undiagnosed ADHD/OCD which, I gotta be real, makes her extremely difficult to be around. It's just one of those families where every little thing has to be a massive drama and it's tiring. The mum and auntie are also jehovah's witnesses but this comes up less often than you'd think, though it's still a point of contention sometimes.

As for how I remain positive, I've been thinking about this question a lot recently. I suppose I try to count the remaining positives. I'm not homeless, I'm still with my fiancee and cat, and I've finally got a decent full time job with a lot of good perks. I'll also be saving a ton of money because I'm paying a fraction of my previous rent (ideally I'd like to save for a deposit).

Another thing that helps is just setting attainable goals. Right now for me it's to hold down this job and endure the housing situation for the time being. I've got a pretty big tax bill coming up in the new year (long story) that I need to save for which is why I opted for my family instead of just renting again. That and renting prices are fucking atrocious right now and you could lose it at any time.

Anyway, that's the situation as it stands. I'm still in the middle of unpacking what little we could bring and the move was particularly stressful, which is why I haven't posted much over the last few days. Times are bad and I've cried a lot but I believe things will get better because I'm working towards it.

[eddiestightywhities]

okay this is very long and mostly just for me to get some stuff of my chest and out of my head therefore anybody tagged pls don't feel as though you have to read it all (like obvs you know you don't have to but you also hopefully know what i mean lol):

so i've had some quite heavy stuff going on in meatspace recently, and then i went to see i saw the tv glow two nights ago which was beyond brilliant but fucked me up entirely on a personal level. then, just to be a bit (read: incredibly) stupid, i for some reason (read: bc i'm a masochist) decided to delve into reading waaaay too many of my first 'eddie losing his shit over christopher leaving/summer of sexuality queer crisis' fics, which i've not dared let myself do before now bc it's all very close to the bone for me i.e. my own queer (trans) crises—yes, plural, they keep coming—and stuff that's not a million miles away from the shit going on with my eldest son (bar kim lol). why tf my brain chose the worse time possible is just another one of life's mysteries (read: i'm just insane [see above]).

(btw my struggling hugely with issues of repression plus my son hating/not hating me aside, THIS FIC is the insanely brilliant piece of art that kicked off the binge. it's from the astonishingly talented @wildehacked and is one of two parts which are possibly the best buddie fics—or even just some of the best fics, period—that i've ever read. seriously, check the tags and if you're a buddie lover and it/they seem like your sort of thing you should 100% go save/read it/them!)

anyways, after all that i'm now just kind of spiralling a bit tbh aha. i'm not fine, not rn, but i will be fine at some point soon sort of thing. like, i'm okay and nobody needs to worry etc i'm just trying to do one if the countless things that i'm absolutely bloody terrible at which is reaching out. but not because i need anything from anybody it's more just for me to be able to say “i'm going through some stuff right now and i might or might not disappear for a while” because i don't usually manage anything at all like that when i'm in the trenches and instead just retreat into my shell and go radio silent—and the thing is, i know some very lovely people who have shown concern when i've done that in the past and i'm therefore trying to be better. friends old and new alike such as @shealynn88 @sharkfish @greyhavenisback @raisesomehale @doilooklikepeople @woodchoc-magnum @buddiebeginz i'll absolutely be getting back/chatting to you when i'm able to interact with a bit more—well, when i'm a bit more, i 'spose xp

also tagging lovelies @novemberhush for the usually well-loved procrastination tag game stuff and @inell and @kitteneddiediaz (and possibly @veronae-buddie and @daffi-990?) for the WIP games i've been kindly tagged in but not responded to. thank you and sorry! like, i know it's absolutely fine and nobody really cares about stuff like that, but i'm just very much feeling like i need to say these things right now. and more apologies if there have been tags i've missed from other lovely folks; not being round these parts for 48+hrs = horrendous notifs situation (you know how it is).

on the writing front, i don't know if it's both completely dumb and ridiculous to start this by saying, “hmm, i'm unsure if it's related or not?” but as well as everything else i'm simultaneously having one one those Everything I Have Ever Written Am Writing Or Could Write Is Utter Fucking Dogshit sort of moments (like, i know i'm not a great writer—which is not derogatory and just fact and 100% absolutely fine—but i'm usually at peace with the strange little oneshots i puke out, y'know?) which is yet another reason for me to disappear off here for the time being as i sadly have one of those unhealthy irrational relationships with fandom that's like I Don't Deserve To Be Here If I'm Not Being Useful—which i know is dumb af and i would absolutely try to coax anyone else out of if it were them saying it and not me, but alas poor yorick. thing is, i used to be incredibly prolific in making fanart, for loads of different fandoms, and that too has dwindled considerably over the last year or more (god, is it that long?) therefore it's just a double whammy currently with the writing now also taking a hit. and i know, i know, whomp whomp poor me etc etc i just—i fear whenever i disappear, i won't ever be able to make it back... bleugh horrid lol

obviously i can't seem to be normal about anything ever so i'm sorry if this is a weird way to respond to nothing happening that nobody asked about (there is no 'if'; it absolutely is weird but i'm afraid it is what it is) and i truly don't need anything from anybody, i just think me posting this and saying how i'm feeling will probably be doing me a bit of good. honestly, pls feel free to ignore, this is just cathartic for me. but i guess, at the same time, as well as those things, me being on the spectrum means i'm not skilled at keeping friendships going, which makes me very sad, so this is maybe me voicing those fears in an attempt to combat them becoming a reality? i think? it's just that i've already drifted away from too many lovely people here due to the affects of these things and i'm therefore just—i think i'm just really trying in my own odd little way.

anyways i'm gonna go rewatch some sense8 and sob out my own weight in tears and snot and just keep on keeping on with existential crisis #4793 for the time being until something shifts in me and then i'll be back at some point? yeah, i think that sounds about right.

love you guys big much (one of my son's isms from when he was little) <3

ps just realised i wrote this on my buddie blog and really can't be arsed copying and pasting it over to my main @all-or-nothing-baby... so anybody who was wondering, yeah it's me yer boi cassidy xp also if you read this far you're insane and i love you even more for it <3