#i've come here to ramble about my feelings
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Angel Baby - Rafe Cameron x Kook!reader P7
pairing: Best Friend!Rafe Cameron x Kook!Best-Friend!reader
summary: Rafe and Reader have known each other since kindergarten, always side by side, the king and princess of Figure 8. So why now does he start feeling different towards her, when all she's ever been is his best friend?
a/n: MERRY CHRISTMAS MY SEXYS!!!!!!! For the holidays thought I'd ramp things up, Let's see, Y/n's a bit of a diva in this tbh, she's a little cheeky, get it ig she's just a girl after all. Midsummer's is well underway, little feature from the gangs group chat and y/n and rafe? well cue careless whisper and shut your eyes *wink wink nudge nudge*. I've never actually written smut before so cut me some slack but it's lowkey inspired by Chappell's 'Picture You' iygwim... Love you all so so so much, enjoy and have a great holiday!!!!!!!!!!
warnings: nsfw! smut, self pleasure (rafe), kinda pervy rafe? (idk idk don't shoot me) dismissive mother figure (y/n lowkey got mommy issues ngl), drugs, smoking, alcohol, driving under the influence, suggestive behaviour (y/n).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Midsummers was lingering around the corner, Y/n pacing at her front door anxiously as she waited for the courier, peering out the window by the door in hopes of sighting the van pulling up by the gates. If he didn’t show up in the next five minutes she was going to have a meltdown. Her phone ringing loudly made her jump, she looked down to the device vibrating on the counter as she picked it up the name ‘Rafey’ shining up at her,
“Hey Princess”
Rafe was sat in his room, lounging back on his bed, mindlessly staring up at the ceiling fan which was revolving in slow turns. It was Midsummers today, and he was feeling antsy, knowing he needed to get a gift for the girl, he wanted to get her the best gift possible, their little tradition starting when he got her a small bouquet of flowers a few years ago, he liked to say that it was her early birthday present, but it was truly just an excuse for him to get her something. Of course this year it had to be better, after the night a few days ago, after his.. realisation that the girl was more than just a ‘best-friend’, he knew the evening was his chance to talk to her.
If that's what you wanna call it then-
Y/n pressed the phone to her ear, her voice slightly breathless as she answered, “Hey, what’s up?”
“Where are you?” Rafe’s voice rang out over the phone, straight to the point as usual.
“At home. Waiting for the courier.” She started pacing again, one hand holding the phone, the other tugging nervously at the hem of her shirt as she started to ramble.
“They’re late, and if they don’t show up soon, I’m screwed. I need this dress or I’m literally not coming. I’m not coming Rafe -do you know how embarrassing it would be to wear the sam-“
“Relax,” Rafe said, his tone steady but with the faintest hint of amusement. “You’re gonna give yourself a heart attack.”
“I can’t relax!” she snapped, her frustration spilling over. “Do you know how much this means? If I don’t have it ready by tonight-”
“I know, I know,” he interrupted, the girl was prone to overthinking, his voice softening. “It's a big deal. You’ve been talking about it non-stop for the past two weeks but freaking out isn’t going to help.”
Y/n groaned, slumping against the wall near her door. “Easy for you to say. You’re not the one on the verge of public humiliation.”
There was a pause on the other end of the line, then he spoke again, quieter this time.
“What’s really going on..?”
She hesitated, her fingers tightening around the phone. She opened her mouth to respond, but the sound of a car pulling up outside made her stop. Her head whipped toward the window, and she exhaled in relief.
“Courier’s here,” she said quickly. “I gotta go.”
“Y/n—” Rafe started, but she hung up before he could finish.
Whoopsies
Fucking brat
She shoved the phone into her pocket and opened the door, stepping out onto the porch as the courier climbed out of their van. The man carried a medium-sized box toward her, looking apologetic.
“Sorry for the delay,” the courier said, handing it over.
“It’s fine, thank you.” Y/n muttered, clutching the package to her chest like it was a lifeline. She watched the courier leave before heading back inside, shutting the door behind her. Her phone buzzed again, and she pulled it out to see another call from Rafe. She sighed, debating whether to answer. Part of her wanted to ignore it and focus on the package, but the other part of her knew Rafe wouldn’t just let it go -he was probably going to scold her for hanging up.
“Hi, again-”
“-Don’t ‘hi’ me,”
Rafe shot back. “You hung up on me. What’s going on?”
The girl sat down on the couch, setting the box beside her. She took a deep breath. “It’s just… a lot, okay? Everything has to be perfect tomorrow, and mom’s been on my back about it and I’m scared I’ll mess it up.” She trailed off, biting her lip.
“Right” Rafe spoke out, though she could already hear the knowing tone creeping into his voice.
“Shut up,” she mumbled, though her cheeks were already burning, she felt embarrassed she was so bothered,
Always overthinking
Just a dumb party
“Listen,” Rafe said, his tone turning serious again. “You’ve been stressing yourself out, I get it—you want to impress everyone.”
She didn’t answer, but the silence spoke volume.
“Y/n, you’re already... pretty amazing,” he continued. “You don’t need some big, grand gesture to prove that.” His words caught her off guard, and for a moment, she didn’t know how to respond. Finally, she whispered,
“Thanks, Rafe.”
“Anytime,” he said lightly. “Now go open that box and finish whatever masterpiece you’re working on. And stop overthinking.”
“Okay, okay,” she said, a small smile creeping onto her face. “Talk later?”
“Always,” he replied before hanging up. Y/n set the phone down, staring at the box beside her. Rafe’s words lingered in her mind as she reached for it opening it, fingers sliding over the soft silky material.
You better look good bitch
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The girl sat at her vanity, dabbing a final touch of highlighter onto her cheekbones, as her hands moved down to tighten the belt around her waist of the fuzzy robe she had on. The soft music filled the background as she admired the dress hanging nearby, waiting to be put on. She picked up her phone, her fingers tapped against the screen, nails causing little clicks to rise into the air of the room, mixing in with the soft sound of the music playing in the background. She typed to the group chat,
Princess. : Lowkey might be late …
She hesitated for a moment, then hit send, her phone buzzed almost immediately.
Young Rich & Sexy (1 unread message)
Rafey : u got ur whole life planned out to the minute tf u mean ur late
Princess : Fashionably ofc
Kels : Why are you such a
Kelc : Wait what is it she says
T-man : Diva
Kels : Yeah
Kels : Why are you being a diva
Princess : You guys are so dramatic. I’m just finishing up, okay?
T-man : Nah
Rafey : “finishing up” means ur still running around in a robe and slippers
Princess : It’s nothing!!!
Princess : Just running a little behind
Rafey : Oh, so you’re spiralling
T-man : Got it
Kels : How many outfit changes are we at? Three? Four?
T-man : Five Minimum
Princess : I hate all of you
Rafey : Big words.
Rafey : Are you actually leaving, though?
Kels : Yeah, just get here before Rafe starts flirting with himself in the mirror
Rafey : Shut up
Rafey : At least I don’t take an hour deciding on a bowtie like you
Kels : ...
Kels : Fuck you
T-man : Y/n, this is what happens when you’re not around to keep us in line
Princess : Are you guys drinking already?
Rafe : Yes
Kels : No
T-man : Yes
Kels : Oh
Kels : Yes?
Kels : BAHAHAHAH
Princess : You’re all hopeless
She grabbed her clutch and slipped her phone into it, giving herself one final once-over in the mirror before heading out the door of her bedroom to meet her parents downstairs. The group chat continued buzzing, but she ignored it, feet padding down the stairs to slip on her heels.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The driver eased the car to a smooth stop in front of the country club, a line of luxury cars wound behind them, each filled with kooks dressed to the nines, ready to celebrate… what was it again?
Something about tradition, about status-
She stepped out of the car, the setting sun warm against her skin as she adjusted her dress. She followed closely behind her parents, her father offering a polite nod to the valet while her mother stepped forward, her sharp eyes scanning the scene. Before the girl could take another step toward the entrance, her mother’s hand landed lightly on her arm, stopping her in her tracks. Y/N turned, surprised by the tight grip and the serious expression etched on her mother’s face.
“Wait,” Marie said in a hushed tone, her voice low but firm enough to cut through the murmurs of the other guests near the entrance. She straightened, smoothing an invisible crease on her dress before turning her full attention to her daughter. Y/N raised an eyebrow.
“What?”
Her mother’s lips pressed into a thin line. “I want to remind you to be on your best behaviour tonight.”
Y/N rolled her eyes. “I’m always on my best behaviour.”
“Don’t be clever,” her mother snapped quietly, her tone just sharp enough to sting. “This isn’t just some casual get-together. It’s important. People are watching, Y/N. People who matter.” She emphasised to the girl.
Classic
“Watching for what, exactly?” Y/N shot back, her voice dripping with sarcasm.
“To see if I chew with my mouth closed or if I trip on my heels?”
Her mother’s jaw tightened. “To see if you’re worthy of standing in this room. To see if you reflect the family we’ve worked hard to build. You think reputation doesn’t matter, but it does. It matters more than you realise.”
Y/N crossed her arms, her posture defiant. “Right, because it’s all about what they think, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” her mother said sharply, her eyes narrowing.
“You don’t have to like it, but you will respect it. Your father and I have done everything to ensure we’re respected. I won’t have you undo it with some thoughtless remark or petty argument.”
Y/N clenched her jaw, biting back the words bubbling on her tongue. She hated these conversations- hated being reminded that she wasn’t just herself but an extension of her family’s carefully constructed image. Her mother’s gaze softened slightly, but her voice remained steady.
“This isn’t just about us, Y/N. One day, it will matter for you, too. You’ll see that eventually.”
Before Y/N could respond, her father’s voice cut through the tension. “Are we going in, or are we standing out here all night hmm?” The man could never notice the tension between the two women, he only saw his caring wife and sweet daughter. He leant down pressing a kiss to his wife’s cheek before wrapping his hand around Y/n’s waist pulling her towards him holding both women closely, “my girls.”
Her mother straightened, her composure snapping back, she gave Y/N a once-over, her expression unreadable, before turning toward the entrance taking her husbands hand and walking with him. The man turned his head back shortly, sending a wink in the girls direction, her fathers action brought a small smile to her face. With a deep breath, she pushed her frustration from her mother comments aside and followed her parents into the club, the sound of clinking glasses and polite laughter greeting them as the door swung open.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The scent of champagne and roses hung heavy in the air as Y/N stepped further inside, clutching the stem of a freshly poured flute. She felt the weight of eyes on her as she moved through the room, the navy fabric skimmed her body, hugging her waist before cascading to the floor in soft ripples. It was all so curated, so polished, but Y/N barely registered the scene. Not until her eyes landed on Rafe. He was standing near the bar, leaning casually against the counter, a glass of whiskey in his hand. His sharp jawline caught the light as he turned slightly, his shoulders broad under the perfectly tailored suit jacket he wore.
As if sensing her gaze, he looked up. Their eyes met for a split second, his brow raising slightly as a smirk tugged at the corner of his lips.
His grip on the glass tightened as he straightened subtly, his attention narrowing entirely on Y/N as she entered the room. She was impossible to miss, even in the crowd. The navy satin of her dress shimmered under the light. His eyes trailed upward, catching on the delicate V of the neckline that framed her collarbones, which glowed faintly with a soft sheen. Her hair, threaded with tiny white flowers, was swept back to reveal the curve of her neck. She looked…
Wow
His throat felt dry.
Rafe’s gaze followed her as she moved toward the bar, her posture poised but relaxed, her fingers curling around a champagne flute. As she made her way towards the boy, she noticed Topper and Kelce standing behind him, eyeing up a group of girls giggling by the tables.
“Surpriseeee.”
She sang out as she did a little spin in front of the boy, the silk swaying with her. “Only,” she looks over to the clock on the wall, “15 minutes late.”
His eyes ran down over her body as her movement, a little smirk on his face before he chuckled at her comment,
“15 minutes? Might as well have not showed” He teased her as he tilted his head, looking down at her once again.
“Asshole.” She mutters out shoving his shoulder slightly before she looked over at him.
Damn
“You look good,” she spoke genuinely, her hand coming out to smooth down the blazer she’d shifted as she pushed him, she spoke playfully,
“handsome.”
He watched her as she smoothed the non-existent wrinkles in his blazer, his heart faltering at her compliment.
Handsome huh?
“You look….you look beautiful Y/n” He spoke out quietly, leaning in a little closer to her, his eyes roaming over her face.
A pink hue lifted to her cheeks at his words as her hand trailed down from his chest where she’d smoothed the blazer out, down his arm, to his hand, where her fingers brushed against his, a warm feeling settled in his stomach as her fingers danced over his hand.
“Thanks.” She spoke out quietly. Their moment was interrupted by the sound of a wolf whistle, Topper and Kelce stumbling over towards them as they looked Y/n.
“Kook Princess does it again!”
“Looking good.”
Kelce and Topper speak out to her, both stepping forward, one placing a kiss on her cheek as the other wraps his arms around her in a hug.
“You look like you just stepped out of a magazine. Like, one of those fancy ones with the shiny covers.” Kelce started to babble, Topper following soon after,
“Like the ones you collect what are they cal-“
“Vogue?” The girl asked amused smile on her face at their antics.
“Fuck yeah you look fresh out of Vogue.” Kelce spoke with a shake of his head.
Never heard that one before
“You two always know how to make a girl feel special.” She shot them a playful wink of her own, clearly unbothered by their banter.
“Well I’d hope all those hours of getting ready weren't for nothing.”
She speaks as she looks over to the group of girls huddling together, a hushed giggle breaking out as Topper and Kelce turn around to look at them, one of the girls lifting her hand and wiggling her fingers in a small wave. She spoke to the two boys as Rafe watched, leaning back against the bar counter,
“But you guys clean up well, heard you’ve been turning heads tonight..”
“More like giving head..”
The girls eyes widen as she lets out a loud laugh hand coming up to cover her mouth.
“Are you being for real?” She whispers out in a hush as the boy next to her shrugs his shoulder in a nonchalant manner a smirk rising to his face, she pushes Kelce away from her, his hand dropping from her waist,
“Ew you freak” she giggled as she shakes her head.
The boys rambled to each other defensively as she shook her head rolling her eyes at them turning back to Rafe. Y/N reached up absentmindedly to adjust her necklace, a habit she couldn’t seem to shake, only to freeze when her fingers brushed against bare skin. Her brow furrowed as she searched for the familiar chain, but it wasn’t there.
Shit
“I forgot my necklace.” She spoke out frown on her face.
Rafe, who had been watching her from the corner of his eye, leaned in with a teasing smile, the missing chain on her neck was one of the first thing’s he’d noticed when she’d gotten closer to him.
"You wear it everyday? How’d you forget it tonight"
"I don’t know. I just got distracted.” She shrugged as hint of disappointment in her tone.
Rafe’s smile softened, and he raised an eyebrow.
Perfect
“Come on, I’ve got something to show you.”
“What is it?”
Y/N glanced up at him, surprised her head tilting slightly.
He flashed her a grin “C'mon," he said, gently taking her hand.
"Follow me."
The girl slipped her hand into the crook of his arm which he held out for her as he led her away from the main group, stepping out from under the harsh lights and into the quieter side of the party, where the music felt distant and the crowd’s chatter muffled. She followed him curiously, the sound of her heels tapping against the floor drowned out by the thrum of the distant bass. When they reached a secluded corner, Rafe pulled away from her and slipped his hand into the inside pocket of his blazer. Y/N raised an eyebrow, her interest piqued.
“Here.”
He pulled out a small, velvet blue box, holding it out to her.
“It’s your Midsummer’s present."
Y/N blinked, taken aback. "What?" She hadn't been expecting anything, especially not tonight.
What-
Rafe’s smile was genuine, one that didn’t appear often.
“Our tradition? We’ve been doing this for years, -yeah well I have I guess"
Y/N’s heart fluttered in her chest. A small gift- something thoughtful, not extravagant, but always meaningful. And somehow, she’d forgotten about it this year, she’d been so fussed with her dress and her mother, the boy being occupied with his family's business, she didn’t think Rafe would bother this year.
Her fingers brushed over the soft velvet as she took the box from him, her heart skipping a beat as she opened it. Inside lay a dainty, golden necklace, delicate but elegant, with a tiny heart-shaped pendant hanging from it. The pendant was engraved with their initials-
Y/N . R
Y/N’s breath caught in her throat as she stared at it for a moment, a soft smile tugging at her lips. The necklace was beautiful, but what really moved her was the thought behind it. It was a symbol of their years of friendship, of the connection they shared that went beyond just tradition.
"Rafe… this is…" She looked up at him, her voice soft with gratitude. “It’s perfect.”
“Yeah? You like it”
"I love it Rafe seriously.”
Y/N held the small velvet box in her hands, her fingers still lingering over the necklace inside. Rafe stood in front of her, a soft smile on his lips, watching her with a quiet intensity that made her heart race. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting, but something about the way he was looking at her made the whole moment feel different—more meaningful than it was in the past years when he’d given her presents.
He smiled, his gaze tender. “I’m glad you like it.”
She nodded, the gesture simple but meaningful. She felt a lump form in her throat, a surge of warmth filling her chest. “Thank you.” She closed the box and stepped forward, pulling him into a tight hug. “Really. I love it.” Rafe returned the hug, his hands resting gently on her back. When she pulled away, he held her at arm's length, a playful glint in his eyes.
“Want me to put it on for you?”
Y/N laughed softly, feeling a mix of warmth and comfort from his presence. “Yeah, I’d like that.”
Without breaking eye contact, Rafe gently took the necklace from the box, the soft gold chain catching the light as he held it in his hands. His movements were slow, deliberate, as though he was savouring every moment. He stepped a little closer, and Y/N’s breath hitched, her heart fluttering in her chest. She felt his warmth before she even saw him move, the proximity suddenly making the air around them feel heavier, charged with something unspoken. His hands were steady, sure, but there was a tenderness to them as they reached out, the chain dangling between his fingers.
Rafe’s fingers gently grazed the back of her neck as he moved to place the necklace around her, his touch barely there but still enough to send a shiver down her spine. She held her breath for a moment, feeling the heat of his skin against hers, the soft brush of his fingertips making her skin tingle.
There was something so simple, so intimate about it.
"Hold still," he murmured, barely audible.
She felt the coolness of the chain against her skin, and then, the soft click of the clasp as he fastened it around her neck.
“There,” he said, his voice low but warm. “Perfect.”
When he stepped back, his gaze never leaving hers, Y/N’s heart was still pounding in her chest. She touched the pendant, feeling the cool gold between her fingers, but her mind was still caught on the feel of his touch.
“You look beautiful,” he said quietly, his voice almost a whisper.
“Rafe,” she said, her voice thick with emotion she hadn’t expected to feel.
“This… this means so much.”
"I’m happy," he began, his voice lower than usual, as he fidgeted with the cuff of his blazer.
"I didn’t know what to get you this year, so-“
“You didn’t need to get me anything.’
“-I wanted to.”
He swallowed hard, trying to gather his thoughts. He hesitated as he looked at her, the necklace catching the light, glimmering as it rested against her skin. His bowtie suddenly felt awfully tight his tongue darted out to wet his dry lips, his breath feeling short. His shaky hand raised to his neck, finger shoving between his shirt and neck to loosen the material. Standing there right in front of him, he couldn't look away from her. His gaze lingered on her, a mix of admiration and something deeper—something he had been fighting to ignore for a long time. His heart was thudding so harshly against his chest he felt like he was going to pass out, he stepped just a little closer, his breath catching in his throat.
Say it now
He needed to.
“Y/N,” he started again, his voice quieter, but no less intense, he hesitated, his pulse racing as his eyes met hers.
"I lo—"
“Y/N!”
He jerked his head up, the words dying on his lips as he looked toward the source of the loud voice.
Wheezie yelled out as she pranced over to the girl happily wide smile on her face, Y/n’s head turned to look to her arms reaching out to catch the younger girl who’d bounded straight into her arms.
Fuck
Y/N’s expression softened immediately, and before she could even say a word, Wheezie was already wrapping her arms around Y/N’s waist, pulling her into a tight hug. Y/N let out a strained laugh and returned the hug.
Any time but now...
“Y/N!” Wheezie squealed, her voice full of excitement. “I missed you so much! I haven't seen you in like forever!”
Rafe stood there, frozen, watching them. His heart thudded heavily in his chest, the weight of the moment hanging thick in the air between them. His confession- his almost confession- had been so close.
So close, in fact, that it almost felt like it was still hanging there, unspoken.
Y/N smiled down at Wheezie, her arms around her tightly. "I know, I’ve missed you too, Wheezie," she said warmly.
"Things have been a little busy lately,” her eyes glanced over to Rafe as she spoke out. The boy cleared his throat, trying to shake off the tension, obvious to his sister. His eyes flicked from Wheezie back to Y/N, the opportunity was gone now.
The words he had almost said to her- words that had been building in him for weeks, months even- seemed to slip away, lost in the noise of the party around them.
He gave a tight smile, feeling a mixture of frustration and amusement. "Yeah," he said, trying to sound casual, even though his voice felt heavier than usual.
"Real busy."
Y/N, sensing the shift in the air, gave him a small but reassuring smile. She knew him too well, probably more than anyone else did. Wheezie ignored their silent interaction, eyes wide with excitement.
“You will not believe what I just found out!” She looked back and forth between them.
Rafe groaned at his sister.
Fucks sake
“Wheezie, not now…”
“You know Audrey and Max? They’re hooking up! For real!” She threw her hands up dramatically, as if she announced the discovery of the century.
“I heard them talking at the bar. They think they’re being all secretive, but—hello?!
Y/N’s brows furrowed slightly as she processed the gossip, but she couldn’t help but laugh. “Wait, seriously?”
“I was like, what? Audrey and Max? So sneaky!” Wheezie shook her head. The younger girl smiled smugly, then turned her attention to Rafe, who was standing there, still trying to regain his bearings. She raised an eyebrow, noticing the odd tension hanging in the air.
“What’s going on here?” she asked with a sly grin.
“Are you two like, having a moment?”
Rafe blinked, caught off guard by her sudden shift in focus. His heart was still racing and now, his younger sister was teasing him about it. He forced a smile, shaking his head slightly.
“No, just… catching up,” he said, his voice a little more strained than usual.
Wheezie raised an eyebrow, her playful expression shifting to something more teasing, glancing back and forth between them. She squinted at them, clearly working out what she thought was going on.
“Are you guys fuc-”
Y/N’s eyes widened in surprise, her cheeks flushing slightly,
Uh-
“What!? No, we’re just…” She stumbled over her words, clearly trying to keep things casual.
“Wheezie, don’t be ridiculous.” Rafe spoke out to the girl in a disapproving tone.
Really not helping here.
Wheezie just raised her eyebrows, clearly unconvinced. “Uh-huh, sure, sure. But just so you know, I’m, like, really good at reading people.”
Y/n laughed awkwardly as she looked over at the girl, “right well-”
Wheezie suddenly grabbed the girl by the arm and began tugging her away toward the drink table. “Come on, let’s get a drink. I need to fill you in on the drama.”
Y/N, looking apologetic, glanced back over her shoulder. “Sorry,” she called, offering him a small smile.
“It’s fine,” Rafe quickly replied, forcing a smile, even though a part of him was disappointed as he watched his sister drag the girl away, the navy fabric sewing around her legs as she got lost in the crowd of brightly coloured dresses.
It’s not fine.
He had almost said it- almost told her how he felt, how much she meant to him. But now, the chance had passed, and the more he thought about it, the more he felt like he’d missed it. That perfect moment was gone, stolen by Wheezie’s innocent oblivion. He sighed, shaking his head, trying to push the frustration aside. He had another chance, right? He just needed to be patient. The music continued to thump in the background, and the party went on, but Rafe couldn’t shake the feeling that the one thing he wanted most had just slipped through his fingers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rafe lingered by the edge of the party, his gaze fixed on Y/N as she laughed and talked with Wheezie,
“You okay, man?”
Rafe was startled out of his thoughts by the voice of Topper, who had appeared beside him, a beer bottle in hand. Topper's eyes were trained on the boy's expression, clearly picking up on the tension. Rafe swallowed hard, forcing a smile.
"Yeah, yeah. Just... tired,"
he said, but even to his own ears, it sounded hollow. He cleared his throat, wanting to change the subject before Topper could press. He glanced over at the group of girls, including Y/N, who was chatting with the boys sister.
“You’ve been kind of quiet all night.”
Rafe shifted on his feet, feeling the weight of Topper’s observation. "I'm fine," he said quickly, brushing it off again. But this time, it wasn’t as convincing.
“Okay, man,” Topper said with a skeptical smile. “If you say so.” He took a long swig of his beer, then added, more casually,
“Y/n liked her necklace?”
Rafe’s breath caught, and he nodded stiffly.
“Yeah, why?”
Topper shrugged, seemingly nonchalant, but Rafe could tell he was watching him closely. The boy let out a sharp laugh, but there was no humour behind it.
Seriously?
“What's the problem.”
Topper just grinned, his tone dropping to something a little more playful but still serious. “Look Rafe, I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but you should just… say something.”
Rafe’s chest tightened at the words, like a weight had just settled on his ribs.
“What’re you talking bout Top-”
“Come on.”
Topper leaned against the nearby wall, clearly in no rush. “I’ve known you long enough to know when you're into someone. And I know how much you care about her. But don’t wait until she’s looking at someone else..”
The boys eyes drifted over to Y/n, who was now talking to Cooper, a smile on her face as she pushed her hair over her shoulder, laughing at what the boy was saying. Her hands reached out fixing his slightly bent tie, before the boy pulled her towards the floor where couples were dancing, he spun her clumsily to which she shook her head at him happily, her hands now resting on her shoulders.
“You think it’s that easy?” Rafe muttered, as his hand rubbed over his face.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The lights strung up around the club now flickered softly, casting a warm, inviting glow over the crowd. Y/N, with her head tilted back in laughter, let out a genuine chuckle as Topper dramatically reenacted a conversation from earlier in the night, his exaggerated gestures making everyone laugh even harder. Kelce was leaning against the bar, his smile wide, eyes gleaming as he added his own commentary. The girl brought her hand up wiping away at the tear in her eye, maybe she had one too many of those champagne flutes that were being walked around. A warm buzz started in her chest and radiated outward, making everything feel just a little giddier. She glanced around, half-focused on the conversation unfolding before her, the words blending together in a pleasant, almost melodic hum.
Her gaze wandered for a moment, eyes catching on Rafe. The way his smile lit up on his face, the way he looked at her, even from across the room, made her chest flutter, but in a way that felt hazy. Maybe it was the alcohol.
Maybe it’s him?
She wasn’t sure. But everything seemed just a little more intense, despite the slight fuzziness clouding her thoughts.
A grin tugged at Kelce's lips, and he straightened up, pulling a blunt from his blazer pocket with an almost practiced ease. He held it up casually, letting the group see it, a playful smirk dancing on his face.
“How about a little fresh air, some space to breathe?”
His gaze lingered on Y/N for a moment, a knowing smile tugging at the corners of his mouth,
“I’m feeling like the beach is calling my name.”
Rafe, still nursing his drink, glanced at the others, his gaze drifting back to Y/N, a bit of quiet time away from the buzz of the club felt like a good idea. He met Kelce’s eyes for a second before shrugging.
“Couldn’t hurt,” he said. Kelce, sensing he was starting to win the group over, gave a knowing nod and flicked the blunt again.
“Exactly. So, what do you say? Beach, fresh air, good company—
“I’m down” Cooper spoke out as he stood up from his seat, Topper nodding along in agreement. Y/N hesitated for a second, but the thought of the beach, the quiet, cool night air felt tempting. She finally nodded, her lips curving into a small smile.
“Why not?”
She glanced at the group, who were already starting to make their way toward the door, then back at her mom. She wasn’t sure how long they'd be gone, and she didn’t want to leave her mom completely unaware of her whereabouts. The girl took a deep breath and made her way back to the bar, where her mother was still chatting away with a few friends, her laughter ringing out louder than it should have.
"Hey, Mom," Y/N said, leaning in close, tapping her lightly on the shoulder.
Her mother turned toward her, blinking as if surprised to see her daughter standing there. A wide grin spread across her face, and she let out a small giggle. “Oh! Hi sweet girl," she slurred lightly, “You havin’ fun?”
Y/N smiled, already feeling that familiar warmth spreading through her at her mother’s carefree attitude.
“Yeah, gonna head to the beach with the others... get some fresh air.”
Her mom squinted at her for a moment, still a little disoriented but clearly not at all concerned. She waved her hand dismissively,
“Oh honey, that’s fine, go, go... fresh air is good. Go. Have fun." She paused before pulling her daughter into a quick, tight hug. Y/N squeezed her mom back, her heart a little lighter.
“I will. Love you,” she said, stepping back. Her mom waved her off with a lazy grin, already turning back to her conversation.
"Love you too, baby!"
Her heart clenched slightly, her mother was only ever that way when she was drunk, and she wished it was more often that she got to see her like that. The drunken version of her mom- full of giggles, playfulness and affection- was a rare sight, one that always disappeared by morning. Y/N turned and walked back toward the group, as much as she loved her mom, as much as she appreciated everything she did, there was always a part of her that wished she could hold onto this lighter version of her just a little longer, that maybe one day she could see it without the help of alcohol or the haze of exhaustion. She turned back toward the door, catching up with the group stepping outside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She walked a little further toward the back of the club, the sound of her footsteps soft against the path leading to the beach. Her eyes caught sight of the others already moving down the sandy shore, their figures distant in the night, laughing, talking, stumbling around, but someone was waiting for her by the edge of the club’s back entrance. Rafe leaned casually against the brick wall,
“You makin me wait, huh?”
Rafe teased lightly, raising an eyebrow as she stopped in front of him, the faintest hint of a smile tugging at his lips. The tensions of the early evening seemed to wash away, he couldn't tell if it was from the alcohol he’d drank over the night or if it was the girls presence, she seemed to put him at ease in a way.
Y/N smiled, feeling a little self-conscious as she glanced at him. “I had to tell mom where I was going,” she said, a slight shrug. “You know how it is.” Rafe’s smile softened just a little, his eyes flickering over her. “Yeah, I get it.”
As they stepped away from the club, the noise and lights faded behind them, leaving just the quiet hum of the ocean and the soft rustle of the wind through the trees. The beach stretched out before them, waves lapping gently at the shore. Rafe was moving ahead of her, his stride confident, hands tucked into his pockets. He glanced over his shoulder, catching sight of her slowing down a little, her heels sinking into the sand with every step. He smirked, clearly noticing the struggle, but there was a softness in his eyes that made it seem more endearing than anything else. Y/N sighed, shifting her weight to one foot as she tried to pull her heel free from the stubborn sand.
“Great”
She muttered under her breath, her gaze on the ground as she wiggled her foot, trying to free herself from the sinking trap. The sand wasn’t ideal, shifting beneath her with every movement, and the heels she wore weren’t exactly beach-appropriate. Rafe took a few steps back toward her, his grin wide but his expression amused.
“Need a hand, princess?”
He teased, the nickname slipping from his lips, she rolled her eyes but couldn’t help the small smile tugging at her lips.
"I’ve got it,"
She said, trying to sound determined, but the truth was, the more she tried to pull her foot free, the more stuck she seemed to get. Before Y/N could respond, or even protest, Rafe’s strong arms slipped around her waist. With one swift motion, he lifted her effortlessly, pulling her off the ground and into his arms in a bridal hold.
Y/N let out a surprised hum, her breath catching at the suddenness of it. She instinctively wrapped her arms around his neck to steady herself, her heart skipping a beat as the world shifted.
That was unexpected
“What—Rafe?” she exclaimed, voice catching with a mix of shock and something else she couldn’t quite identify. The surprise was quickly replaced with a strange sense of comfort, the boy shot her a teasing grin, his arms strong around her as he held her securely,
"You didn’t think I’d leave you stranded in the sand, did you?"
Y/N blinked up at him, still a little stunned. Her voice came out slightly breathless as she muttered,
"You better not drop me."
His smirk deepened, and without missing a beat, he glanced down at her with that same playful gleam in his eyes.
"Drop you?"
He repeated, as though considering it. Then, just as Y/N was about to give him a skeptical look, he slackened his grip just slightly, as though he was going to drop her entirely. Y/N’s eyes widened.
"Rafe!"
She squealed, her hands instinctively tightening around his neck, pulling herself toward him. The sudden shift in weight had her clinging to him tighter, her heart skipping a beat as she could feel the way he was teasing her.
Oh my fucking go-
"Don’t you dare!"
"Gotcha,"
he laughed, lifting her back up his grip firm again as he steadied her. Rafe’s grin only deepened as she clinged onto him.
"Yeah, well, you’ve got a death grip on me now," He teased, his lips almost brushing against her ear as he spoke. "Maybe next time, I’ll actually drop you.” Y/N rolled her eyes, but the smile on her face was undeniable.
“I’ll remember that,” she said, but the words came out softer than she meant. As the others came into view, Kelce, Cooper, and Topper all gathered in a loose circle, passing something between them, Rafe slowed his pace.
"Alright, princess," he murmured with a small, amused smile, "this is where I put you down."
How about you don't?
Where did that come from-
Y/N, still nestled in his arms, raised an eyebrow. "Oh? You mean you’re done showing off?"
Rafe's grin softened just slightly,
"Something like that."
With a small chuckle, he gently lowered her feet to the sand, his hands lingering on her waist for just a moment longer than necessary, like he didn’t quite want to let go. Y/N felt a slight chill from being on her own two feet again, but the warmth from his touch lingered. Rafe’s gaze flicked up to the group as they passed the blunt around. Kelce was the first to wave them over with a grin.
“Took you long enough, you guys finally fuck or what?” He said, his tone light and teasing, his eyes already hazy from whatever it was they'd been smoking.
“You wish,” Y/n spoke back as she flicked her middle finger up at him. She glanced at the blunt in Kelce’s hand,
"Thanks for sharing,"
she said, her voice casual, though there was a slight challenge in her tone as she reached out for the blunt taking it from Kelce. Holding the blunt, she exhaled a soft laugh before bringing it to her lips. She took a slow drag eyes fluttering close, feeling the familiar, slightly heady warmth settle in her chest as she held the smoke in her lungs for a second before releasing it into the night air.
Kelce grinned, watching her. "That’s what I like to see," he said with a wink, before reaching for it again.
Y/N passed it off to him, the buzz from the first drag already making her feel a little lighter. She turned her attention to Rafe, who was watching her with a slightly amused, almost thoughtful expression. His gaze that lingered just a moment too long.
“See I can handle myself,” she teased, nudging him with her shoulder as she leaned back against the sand.
"No need to carry me around like a princess all night."
Rafe chuckled, shaking his head, but there was something almost protective in his demeanour as he shifted closer, taking a seat next to her.
"I’ll carry you whenever I feel like it," he said with a shrug, his grin returning. "Besides, I think you secretly liked it."
Y/N rolled her eyes and she gave him a small smile.
“Maybe. But don’t get used to it.”
The night had stretched into a lazy, hazy blur, the joint passed around clouding any coherent thoughts. The group was lost in their high now, their conversation drifting like the smoke in the air. The beach was quiet, save for the soft sound of waves crashing against the shore, and the occasional laughter that spilled from one of them, the sound of the party behind them occasionally breaking the calmness. Y/n, thoroughly buzzed from the weed and the champagne, was nestled against Rafe, her body leaning into him seeking his warmth. He was resting on his elbows, his posture relaxed, his gaze shifting between the distant shore and the girl every now and then; the sea breeze tousled his hair slightly, but he didn’t seem to mind, his usual tension gone.
The girl, on the other hand, was practically vibrating with laughter. Everything seemed funny to her- Topper’s latest comment, the random thoughts floating through her mind, even the way the sand beneath her seemed to shift with every movement she made. Her giggles were light and contagious, Rafe’s eyes flickered down at her, the corners of his mouth curving into a small smile.
Her fingers, wobbly, were fiddling with the buttons of his shirt, moving from one to the next as though they were the most fascinating things in the world. His shirt was loose, the fabric stretching slightly as she moved her fingers, Rafe felt a light tension coil in his chest. He couldn’t quite explain it, maybe it was the way her fingers traced his shirt, or the sound of her voice when she spoke.
He didn’t pull away, though. Instead, he let her keep fidgeting with his shirt, his focus shifting back and forth between her and the sound of Kelce and Topper laughing as they waded through the waves. They had made their way to the edge of the water to cool off, their carefree chatter and occasional splashes rising over the sound of the ocean.
Y/n shifted, her fingers brushing under one of the buttons on his shirt again, causing her hand to graze his skin. The brief contact made Rafe’s breath catch slightly, and his body went rigid for a split second, though he did his best to mask it.
So warm
“Stop fidgeting with my shirt,” he said lightly, though there was no edge to his tone, just a quiet humour in his voice. The girl looked up at him then, her lips curled into a, playful smile.
“I can’t help it,” she replied, her voice teasing, her eyes twinkling with a mix of mischief and warmth. “I’m bored…” She whined. Rafe chuckled, his gaze flicking between her and the others in the distance before he let his eyes rest back on her.
“Bored, huh?” he repeated, leaning just a little closer, the warmth of his body mixing with hers.
“Maybe I could entertain you...”
There was a pause, a charged silence hanging between them. Rafe’s words were a playful invitation, but his tone had shifted ever so slightly, an underlying edge of something more subtle in between them. His gaze softened as he looked down at her, his eyes lingering on her lips for just a moment before snapping back to her eyes.
Y/n didn’t seem to notice the shift, her giggles still bubbling from her chest, softening as her breath caught, fingers pausing on his shirt, her hand resting lightly against his chest for a brief second.
“Maybe you should,” she said, her voice a little dreamy.
Her heart was racing, thoughts a little jumbled from the joint she'd kept bringing back to her lips, she cursed herself for her lack of self restraint. She could still feel the heat of Rafe’s body beside hers, his arm brushing against hers as he shifted, his eyes never left hers, and the soft amusement in his gaze now mixed with something more intense, more uncertain.
Don't do it-
But what's the harm?
Her fingers trailed up to the top of his shirt, her eyes looking at the black bowtie done up under his neck, her finger looped around the material loosening slightly, watching as it falls around his neck. Her teeth bite at her bottom lip as she pops open his top button, trailing down to the next two opening up the material, his skin now exposed to the cool sea air, her breath hitched but she didn’t pull away. Instead, she leaned in just a little, her lips barely grazing the skin of his jaw. The move was slow, almost hesitant, but it was enough to make Rafe’s eyes narrow just slightly. He seemed to hold his breath for a moment, as if he was waiting for her to make the next move.
His hand, without thinking, shifted a little closer to her. His fingers brushed lightly against her side, a soft touch that sent a jolt through her. As she pulled away from his jaw slightly, her breath shallow, Rafe could see the flush spreading across her cheeks. Her lips were slightly parted, her pupils dilated, the hint of glassiness in her eyes betraying the effects of the drug. The subtle tremor in her fingers as she rested them on his chest didn't go unnoticed, and neither did the way her gaze wavered—she was there, but not entirely there.
Rafe’s heart pounded in his chest as he watched her, the air between them thick with an electric tension. She seemed so close, so present- but at the same time, there was a layer of fog surrounding her that made him pause. The way she looked at him, her eyes soft but unfocused, her body language so open and trusting… it created an urge within him, something that made him want to pull her in.
But the longer he looked at the girl, he came to terms with what was going on and his stomach tightened slightly. This wasn't right.
She's high you gotta stop
It wasn’t that he didn’t want her, God, he wanted her more than he could put into words—but in that moment, he saw the vulnerability in her that he hadn't before. The haze in her eyes, the way she was almost floating in her own thoughts, disconnected from the world around her. He could see the haze in her expression, the slight confusion, the softness in her gaze that wasn’t entirely hers. She wasn’t fully present. She wasn’t fully aware of what was going on, not the way he needed her to be.
His hand hovered at her waist, but he didn’t pull her closer now. He couldn’t. He was aware- too aware of what this moment would mean if he crossed that line without her consciousness.
He wasn’t that guy. He never would be.
Her fingers brushed his chest again, but this time, he didn’t respond the way he normally would. His eyes took in the way she looked up at him, her breath still shallow, the lightness in her smile tugging at his heart.
He exhaled, fighting the urge to pull her in, his heart beating louder with every passing second. She deserved more than this, she deserved clarity, not confusion. He could already see the trust in her eyes, an unspoken invitation in the way she looked at him, but it wasn’t real- not in the way it should be.
“Y/N,”
Rafe said quietly, his voice steady but with a hint of concern. He reached up, his hand brushing her hair away from her face as his thumb gently stroked her cheek.
“Don’t think this is a good time princess” His words were soft, but they held a weight. She blinked slowly, her expression still dreamy, and for a moment, Rafe couldn’t tell if she’d even heard him. But her lips parted, her eyes narrowing slightly as if trying to focus.
“Why not Rafey,” she mumbled, words slower than usual, the lack of clarity in her voice made his chest at her vulnerability.
So fucking stubborn
He could feel the tension building again, the desperate longing inside him clawing at his chest. He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to pull her into him and lose himself in her. But something inside him, a voice that was louder than his impulses, told him to stop. He was starting to realise why she only smoked when he was around, he didn’t want to imaginer like this, so innocent and trusting at a party by herself, surrounded by people she didn’t know.
The thought made him nauseous.
He leaned back, his gaze holding hers, steady, but with an edge of hesitation.
“Not like this,” he said softly, almost to himself, but loud enough for her to hear. She tilted her head in confusion, her lips pursing as if trying to understand, but Rafe shook his head slightly. He could wait. He could wait until she was fully aware, he wouldn’t take advantage of her- he couldn’t- he'd never even think of it.
“Y/N, look at me,”
he whispered, reaching out gently to hold her face, his thumb grazing her soft skin. “I’m not going anywhere. But I’m not doing this with you like this.”
For a moment, there was only the sound of the waves and the distant laughter of the others in the background, and then, finally, she nodded, her expression soft, a slight pout tugging at her lips. She was still out of it, but she understood the sincerity in his voice, and it made something flutter in his chest.
With a sigh, Rafe pulled back just slightly, releasing his hold on her but keeping his gaze on her face, his heart still hammering in his chest. She didn’t say anything more instead she leaned into him ever so slightly, head resting on his shoulder, just enough to let him know she wasn’t pulling away, but she was still there, still trusting him.
And that was all he needed.
The boy took in a slow breath, then dropped his hand back to his side. He could feel the pull, the heat, the temptation to kiss her, but he resisted, allowing the silence to settle between them.
She's won't remember any of this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As Rafe pulled outside the girls house, the soft hum of the engine and Y/n’s occasional delayed mumble of the song lyrics playing were the only sound between them, the night air seemed thicker now, charged with something unspoken. The glow of the streetlights flickered over the girl's face, catching the soft curve of her jaw, the faint flush still lingering on her cheeks. He had barely said a word to her since the conversation on the beach, unsure of what to say, his mind still buzzing from the way things had shifted and he knew she hadn't noticed, too preoccupied in her own little world.
He's got a nice nose
You know what they say about big noses-
Girl shut the fuck up
The car slowed to a stop in front of her house, but neither of them moved immediately. He kept his hands firmly on the wheel, trying to calm the sudden pressure that had started to coil in his chest. Every little shift of her body, every soft breath she took, seemed emphasise in the silence between them. Y/N didn’t seem in any hurry to get out, her fingers fiddling with the slit of her dress as she looked out the window, exposing her thigh to the air of the car. She leaned just a little closer,
“Thanks for bringing me back,”
she said softly, her voice sweet and laced with a quiet giggle that clung to the walls of the car. He nodded, his throat tight, trying to keep his composure.
“Of course. You okay?”
He asked, though he noticed the way her fingers were now tracing the fabric of his seat, the way her gaze lingered on him a little too long. She turned to face him, her lips pulling into a playful, almost mischievous smile.
“Yeah, I’m good,” she said, her voice insistent, as if she were trying to convince herself. She leaned toward him just slightly, her shoulder brushing against his arm as she shifted closer. Rafe felt the heat rising in his body, a surge of something he was desperately trying to control. She was still so touchy, so close. Her hand, which had been absentmindedly resting on her lap, now slid to his arm, her fingers lightly brushing his shirt, making his pulse hitch.
The light touch sent a spark through him, one that made him clench his jaw. He had to remind himself that she wasn’t fully in control of her actions, but it didn’t make it any easier. His muscles tensed as her fingers lingered for just a second too long on his forearm before slowly tracing up his sleeve. The soft caress sent an undeniable shiver through him, one that made it harder to concentrate.
He swallowed hard, his grip on the steering wheel tightening as her fingers trailed up to his shoulder, her palm resting against the side of his neck. It was too much—too much of her, too much softness in her touch, too much of the way she was looking at him like she wanted more. Her gaze, still slightly unfocused, held a curiosity, a gentleness that was intoxicating. She pushed herself slightly closer to him over the centre console, her dress dragging down slightly, the v-neck exposing her skin to him, the low cut revealing more of her chest than he was expecting.
"Rafe..." Her voice was barely a whisper now, like she was testing his name on her lips, her fingers now slowly sliding over the side of his neck, her touch sending goosebumps across his skin. His jaw locked, his teeth grinding together as he fought the growing desire inside him.
“Y/N, stop,” he said through clenched teeth, his voice low and strained, but firm. He turned his head toward her, his gaze intense, trying to pull her back into reality.
“Need to go home yeah? You’re not yourself right now.”
Don't wanna go home want you
She didn’t seem to hear him- or maybe she didn’t care, he couldn't tell. Her hand slid around to the back of his neck, her fingers brushing the nape of his hair, it almost made his resolve crumble. He forced himself to meet her gaze, but his heart was hammering in his chest, and he was so aware of the way her body was leaning closer, the heat radiating off her.
She smiled up at him, leaning in, her lips brushing against his neck in a soft, teasing kiss. “You’re so serious all the time,” she murmured, her breath warm against his skin.
“Why can’t you just relax?”
His whole body stiffened. His grip on the wheel tightened so much his knuckles went white. He tried to focus on anything but the way her lips lingered near his neck, the way her breath caressed his skin, how close she was.
“Y/N, you need to get out of the car,” he said, his voice strained, the words slipping out before he could stop them.
“Go inside, I’m not going to do this with you, not when you’re not yourself.”
She pouted, her gaze flickering down to his lips and back up to his eyes. “You’re no fun...” she said with a playful giggle.
Rafe let out a long, slow breath, he didn’t want to hurt her feelings,
“C’mon princess” he said quietly, his tone more affectionate, yet still firm.
“Go inside for me, yeah? You’re not thinking clearly.”
She didn’t resist.
After a long beat, she finally pulled her hand away, glossy eyes looking at him as she pushed open the door. Before she stepped out, she turned back to look at him one last time, her smile still lingering but faint; she pushed herself back into the car and placed a soft kiss onto his cheek.
“Goodnight, Rafey.”
She whispered, her voice wavering and slightly off-balance. She wiggled her fingers at him in a wave before closing the door behind her, and Rafe watched as she staggered up to her front door, her steps a little less steady than usual. She fiddled with the doorhandle, and he debated whether he should get out and help her open the door. Somehow she managed to crack the door open, she turned back to him blowing him a kiss before closing the door behind her.
Once she was inside, Rafe sat there for a moment, his jaw still clenched, trying to shake the weight of everything that had just happened. Her touch had been too much and as much as he had tried to keep his distance, it didn’t matter because his body was betraying him.
He shifted uncomfortably in the seat, feeling the tightness of his slacks against him, and he swore under his breath. The pressure between his legs was undeniable, a constant reminder of how wrong it all was.
She's high.
AND she's not herself.
He dragged his hand through his hair again, frustration gnawing at him. He had to leave. But the thoughts came anyway- the image of her lips, the soft weight of her body against his, the way her smile made his chest tighten. He could feel the pressure building again, the ache in his body, and for a split second, he imagined what it would be like to pull her back into the car, to kiss her until she forgot everything except him. To hear her moan his name, to feel her hands on him the way they were on his neck...
Rafe’s breath hitched.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The boy's hands gripped the wheel tighter as he rolled into the driveway of Tannyhill, the tires crunching over the gravel as he parked the car in front of the empty house. The quiet of the night surrounded him, only the distant hum of a few streetlights and the rustling of leaves in the breeze breaking the stillness.
He sat in his car for a moment, head resting against the steering wheel eyes closed and jaw clenched tight as he tried to push away the memory and the feeling of her touch. He felt guilty, but he also couldn't shake the feeling of wanting more. His body was still trembling as he remembered the way she'd touched him, the way she'd looked up at him with hazy, glazed eyes. He shifted awkwardly in his seat, slacks straining against him.
A glimpse of pink catches the corner of his eye, Rafe’s gaze lingered on the pink jumper in the backseat, the soft fabric wrinkled from weeks of being tossed around in the car, yet it still carried the faint scent of her. His heart thudded in his chest, and he couldn’t help the surge of desire that bloomed inside him. The memory of her wearing it, her figure draped in the soft jumper, rushed back with vivid clarity.
He reached over slowly, almost as if he was afraid it would disappear if he moved too quickly. His fingers brushed against the fabric, and the sensation sent a small shiver down his spine. Grabbing the jumper, he lifted it from the backseat, holding it in his hands like it was something precious. The soft material felt almost too delicate against his skin, his breath caught in his throat as his mind wandered. He could almost feel her body against his again, the way her soft hands had pressed into him.
He let out a shaky breath, the air in the car feeling warmer than it had moments ago. His fingers traced the edge of the sleeve, the softness reminding him of the girl. Rafe’s grip on the jumper tightened, and his chest rose with a slow, deep breath as he brought the soft fabric up to his face. The scent of her hit him again- intoxicating and something uniquely Y/n that made his stomach flip. His eyes fluttered shut as he inhaled, the softness of the material pressing against his nose, his lips. The familiar scent settled deep inside him, and he couldn’t stop the grunt that slipped out, low and unguarded, his head tilted back against the seat.
His mind swirled with visions of her, of what could have happened, of how easily he could have pulled her back into the car; the heat between them had been undeniable- much too strong to ignore.
He could feel the burn in his chest, the low, insistent throb heavy between his legs.
Rafe’s jaw clenched as he pulled the jumper closer to his face again, breathing her in deeply, letting her scent consume him. His hand drifted down his body, fingers fiddling with his belt as he loosened it, the rattling of the metal buckle filling the car.
He lifted his hips up slightly, shaking hand slipping his trousers down past his hips just enough. His breath was harsh and ragged, his body burning, the feeling of her scent surrounding him; the memory of her touch still fresh in his mind, making him twitch with want, he groaned aloud as he wrapped the jumper around his hand, needing to feel the softness against him.
The jumper was wrapped around his hand in a tight, desperate grip as he moved it down to his crotch, palming himself slowly through the fabric, the friction making his breath come out in quick, uneven huffs.
He let out a low, moan his voice thick with need, but it wasn't enough, it wasn't what he really wanted.
In a hurried movement, he slid his hand inside his briefs, grasping his length, and began to stroke himself, eyes closed as he let out a guttural groan, his head falling back against the seat as his body responded to the touch of his hand and the soft material wrapped around it.
He imagined the girl in the passenger seat, her eyes heavy-lidded with desire, her lips parted in anticipation as she was moments before he’d told her to leave.
He swallowed harshly as he circled the tip of his throbbing cock, beads of pre-cum coating his thumb.
His mind flickered back to the golf course weeks ago, the girl on her knees in front of him, innocent doe eyes looking up. He pictured the night going differently, his sweet best-friend leaning over, her lips wrapping around the head of his cock, her tongue swirling and teasing his tip, cheeks hollowing around him. He let out a heavy breath at the image of the girl in his mind, his hand gripping himself tighter. He imagined his hands threading through her hair, pulling it up into a ponytail as her eyes fluttered shut, pushing his hips towards her, the girls nails dragging down his thighs as she gagged around him. Her whimpers and whines echoing in his mind, his hand, still holding the jumper trembled slightly as he pressed it harder against his face, as he thrusted himself up into his fist at the smell of her. Rafe's strokes grew faster, his breath coming out in short gasps, his hips bucking up into his hand frantically as he envisioned the girl pulling away from him, eyes teary and glazed over like they were tonight, looking up to him her mouth open for him awaiting, lips reddened and wet with her spit.
“Fuck y/n” he groaned shakily as the slick sounds filling the car came to a stop, warm ropes of cum landing over the soft pink material wrapped around his hand.
Rafe's heavy breaths filled the car, windows now fogged up. The boy sat there motionless looking down at the mess in his lap, mind reeling.
What the fu-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Sé que se puede, se puede amar
a/n: anddd he strikes again. when I said I was down bad for this man I really meant it. it's bad. anyways this isn't gonna be a two parter (I know I said that last time but this time I mean it!! mostly)
for the sake of this fic: Armando and Mike are still working on their relationship but they are close enough to have each other's phone numbers, Armando is out of prison, he didn't kill the chief, Armando is in some form of therapy.
also based on this song which I've had in my playlist forever.
Armando knows things about life. Like how to aim a gun to kill and how to aim a gun to send a warning. He knows the difference between a friend and an enemy. He knows that life isn't fair, that it's messy and takes no prisoners.
Of course in therapy he's learning to see the positives. He gets to wake up every day in a bed, under a roof, with food to eat and a family (of sorts) to talk to.
And all of those things do him just fine. He just feels like there should be more. Like there is something missing.
This is why, and the only reason why, he pulls out his phone and calls Mike. It takes three rings, and on the third Armando is ready to hand up and text him saying it was a butt dial. But Mike picks up.
They both greet each other. Mike asks how Armando is doing. Armando should say okay, or fine. But he doesn't really want to lie. So he tells the truth which is still a bit rare for him at this point in his life.
He tells Mike about this feeling he has in his chest. How quiet his apartment is and how boring it looks. How when he's done with work, he hangs out with the only co-worker he can stand and then shuffles home.
Mike jokes with Armando that he's missing a love life. Which Armando doesn't take seriously at all. He's a good looking man in Miami, he's not missing out on anything.
Then Mike tells him that there's a difference between whatever one-night stands he's had and the real thing. Mike goes on a tangent about his former ways and how he's glad he wrapped it up and fell in love with his now-wife.
They end the call joking around with each other, Mike tells him to stay out of trouble, and Armando tells him to not hold his breath.
But as Armando falls asleep that night, or tried to, Mike's words hit him. All the meaning less hook ups, hook-ups that he might've wanted to be more. He was searching for something and he didn't even know it.
-------
THREE WEEKS LATER
There are boxes in the hallway up to his apartment. It makes him do a double take. It made him highly suspicious but it's still something he's working on getting used to. Not exactly trusting other people out right but not thinking the worst without having evidence to do so.
Armando hears the elevator ding. He took the stairs up, because it was coming down from the forth floor. From his floor. Whoever it is could be his new neighbor.
He turns around, wanting to see who it is.
Seeing you isn't like how they describe it in the movies. It's not like he's instantly in love with you or something. This is real life, that's not how it works.
But he sees you, with a box in your hands. In a short sleeve pink shirt and a pair of jean overalls. And you come walking his way, with a smile on your face. And he doesn't smile at people. Never to be polite, never to ease tension or awkwardness.
He smiles when you stop just a foot in front of him.
"You must be my neighbor. I'm sorry for all the boxes." you say.
"Don't worry about it. Do you need help?" he asks.
He never offers to help people. But it just came tumbling out of his mouth before he could think any better. He didn't know you, he doesn't know if he can trust you, but here he is offering to move your stuff in.
You ramble about how he doesn't have to, but he just takes one of the boxes that line the hallway floor into his arms. You lead the way to the apartment across from his and key open the door.
When he puts down the box inside your apartment you offer him a bottle of water. He jokes that it was only box and there are a few more he wants to help you with before he can earn a water from you.
So as you head back down stairs to get more boxes, he moves the ones in the hallway inside your apartment. Most of them pretty heavy. He can see why you were just lining them up instead of bringing them in one by one.
The two of you talk friendly, which his also something he doesn't usually do. Armando? Friendly? Either he says nothing or he says something that would get him smacked. Or at least that's what his mother always said.
It takes about an hour and change to get all the boxes inside your apartment.
When you finally get the last one inside, you exhale in relief. Then you go over to the fridge which only has a carton of eggs, milk, a measly half opened package of bread and a case of hard seltzer. You offer him one now.
He takes it, leaning against the wall. None of your furniture is ready to sit on.
You talk casually about what you do for a living, why you moved to Miami, where home is, etc. He learns things about you then and wonders if this will be a one off.
He's the one to cut it short. Armando says he's got early hours tomorrow so he's going to go. Which isn't true per say. Yes he has work but he doesn't need to leave because of that. It's not like he's going to go to bed right at this moment.
But he also doesn't want to take up your time. You obviously have somethings to unpack. He doesn't want to keep you any longer. So the two of you say goodbye.
-
A MONTH LATER
He's starting to think he's weird. He's weird, he has to be, for noticing these things about you. Like what time you get up in the morning because he can smell your breakfast through his apartment. Or which days you happen to have off because he can smell your cleaning products.
He's weird. Definitely.
Mike said he has a crush.
Out of all the things Armando was expecting Mike to say, it wasn't that. He's a grown man! He doesn't have a crush on you! That's stupid. He likes running into you, and when you two have time to talk you do.
But he doesn't have your number. He hasn't been in your apartment since he helped you move in. And you've never stepped foot inside of his.
He doesn't have a crush on you. He doesn't really even know you.
Well he knows that you moved to Miami because of a better job opportunity and to be closer to your family. While you liked the east coast you didn't really think of staying there your whole life.
Okay he knows a little bit about you. But only what you've told him. It's not like what Mike said over the phone. There aren't little things he notices you do.
A knock comes from his door. Armando isn't expecting someone so at first he doesn't answer.
There's another knock. Then he can hear your voice calling out his name. He gets up from the couch quickly. Quicker that he likes.
He unlocks then opens the door.
There you stand, a case of coronas in your hand.
He notices right away that you look good. He always thought you were good looking but you look really good right now. You're in a little black dress, and your hair isn't in it's usual state.
Damn. He might have a crush on you.
"Had a bad date, wanted to hang out with someone that doesn't make me want to throw myself off a very tall building." you say.
He opens the door wider, and invites you in. And he feels like a dog for closing the door after you and taking in your full figure. He'll punish himself later, when you're gone.
You take a seat on his couch like you've been here before. You sit all comfortable like, against one of his pillows. You take out one of the glass bottles.
Armando thinks to himself he doesn't know where he put the bottle opener. But then he sees you take out your keys and bend the cap open. He laughs to himself.
He joints you on the couch. Taking a beer for himself and sitting across from you. He opens the bottle on the end of the coffee table. And you laugh at him.
"You know the date wasn't that bad." you speak.
Armando's eyebrows raise, "So what did it?"
"When he started talking about how he wants to get back into stocks. How he misses the rush and feeling like he's on top of the world." you answer.
Armando makes a face. He knows guys like that. Guys that wear the cleanest suits and do the 'finest' drugs. Only to be the worst men walking earth because of how they treat others as objects.
"What made you go out on the date with this loser anyways?" he asks.
You shrug your shoulders and take a swig of beer.
"Thought I would try the dating scene in Miami. I've been proven wrong." you reply honestly.
Armando takes you in for a moment. You were looking for something too. He doesn't know why that thought makes him a little bit happier than before. That you could possibly be in the same boat as him, looking for something a bit more.
You seem to notice him not answering so you wave your hand in his face. But he's not dozing off, he's looking right at you. So when your hand goes left to right his eyes follow your movements.
"I suppose you have no complaints in the dating department." you say.
Armando shrugs his shoulders this time, "I don't."
There's a silence. He watches your face scrunch in confusion. You're too smart. Armando has a way of answering sometimes that is truthful, if you read between the lines.
You're reading between the lines very quickly. Like you see through him.
"As in you don't have complaints, or you don't date?" you ask.
He chuckles and leans back into the couch.
"There are no complains because I don't date." he answers.
"Oh. Wow I just thought because you're good looking and you seem kind-"
"You think I'm good looking?" he cuts you off.
There's a smile on his face. The front row of his teeth showing. He's happy that you find him good looking. He's not saying anything is going to happen between the two of you. But the prospect of it seems, fun.
You laugh, "Of course I mean come on. That's like not even subjective, that's pure fact."
"Wow. Did you have a drink before this? You're bold tonight." he replies.
With that you take the glass bottle and raise it up to you lips. You finish off the beer and set the empty glass back down on the table to your side.
"Don't lie, you like it."
-
A WEEK LATER
He thinks you're doing this on purpose. Yes, when you showed up in that dress the other night that was an accident. A happy accident. But ever since then it's like you've been on his radar.
Just doing things that pique his interest. More than usual.
Like when you were re-painting your front door in that short sleeve and overall combo. He doesn't know what it was about that outfit but he'll never forget it.
Or that time when you asked if you could use his shower. Your was down. Which, he knew about because the landlord had said that whole line was down for the day. You came over in the cutest robe and all your shower products.
He's losing his mind. At least he thinks so.
Thats's the only reason why he's waiting up for you. He got home five minutes ago but he's leaning against his door and playing on his phone.
Because he's losing his mind over you.
He hears the elevator ding. He doesn't look up from his phone yet. Not yet.
"Armando?" you ask.
He looks up.
You've got a bit of a pout on your face. He can't help the smile on his face. You walk up to him, your feet shuffling against the hallway floor. Your bag is slung over your shoulder.
"Hey." he says.
"Are you locked out or something?" you ask him again.
He thinks, there's an idea. Should he though? It wouldn't be very honest of him. But he isn't really feeling like being honest will get his mind off you.
"Forgot my keys at work." he says.
You move over to your own door. He watches as you unlock it and open it wide, gesturing him inside. He peels himself off his door and walks into your apartment.
He feels you behind him, you close the door.
"If you want a drink you're shit outta luck. Forgot to get some this weekend." you say.
He chuckles, "That's alright. I'm just waiting for my coworker to drop my keys off."
"Oh yeah, how far out are they?"
Armando knows how to lie. He's been lying his whole life. Doing those jobs for his mother, being a part of the world he was in. Lying was like breathing. If you didn't do it, you didn't last an hour.
But remember he's losing his mind.
So he comes up with the only answer that he can think of.
He watches you take off your shoes and take a seat on the couch.
"An hour."
You tilt your head at his answer. He had said before that his job was only twenty minutes away. So of course an hour seems like an unreasonable answer.
"I thought-"
He cuts you off, "someone else closed up. so he has to come from his place, which is about twenty minutes in the other direction."
In his head that makes perfect sense. It's just confusing enough to not be pondered for too long. You nod your head, and shed the blazer off of your body.
He joins you on the couch, resting his bag on the floor. His bag which as his keys inside. He'll be sure to not kick it so you don't hear the jingle of the metal.
"How was your day?" you ask, an emphasis on your which means your day sucked.
If he couldn't already tell by the pout you had when you strolled off the elevator.
"Nothing new. But I think I wanna hear about what has you so stressed." he answers.
You sigh, "I'm just bring passed grunt work. I hate it. But I'm new so I can't really say no."
"You want me to come down there and knock some skulls?" he jokes.
You laugh.
"No, I promise. Thanks for the offer though Hercules." you tease.
You see, that right there. That right there is what gets him. You do these things, you say these things and he doesn't know if you possibly feel the same way he does.
You suddenly get up, heading for the kitchen. You do it with a smile. He watches you in pure amusement. He doesn't know why.
When you come back, you have two beers in your hand. It confuses him for a moment. You seem to be able to read his face.
"Well, I figure if I stopped lying, you would too." you say.
You put his beer on the coffee table in front of you. Then you open yours and take a sip. His eyebrows raise on his forehead.
"Okay. I have my keys." he says.
You nod, "So why were you waiting outside of your door?"
"I was waiting for you."
You sit up at that answer, "because..."
He lightly chuckles.
"Because I think I'm going crazy." he answers.
"Crazy about what?" you ask.
"Crazy about you."
You smile wildly, "You just made my day so much better."
-
THREE MONTHS LATER
Armando knows you have an affect on him. But he didn't notice quite the affect he has on you. How could he? He doesn't really put it together like that.
Yes, he knows you like him. You like teasing him. You like riling him up a bit. You also like hearing him talk. Whenever he decided to say more than four sentences you were always so ready to listen.
Which is why he didn't notice that affect he had on you when he said those words a few moments ago. You asked him to repeat it.
You're standing in between his legs as he sits on the couch. His hands are comforting you, rubbing up and down ont he back off your thighs. Your hands are around his neck.
"I said I want to go to bed with you." he repeats.
You look around the room. Which makes him laugh. Of course there is no one else around. Even if there were he would only be talking to you.
He brings you in by the waist, looking you right in the eyes.
"You heard me querida." he says softly.
You smile widely, "I know but I just can't believe you would say something like that. I mean you're making me melt."
He kisses your stomach though the button up shirt you're wearing. You run your hands through his short hair as he does.
He looks up at you.
It's been three months of dates, late night texts, and dropping by each other's places. He didn't think he'd get here. To this point in his life. Asking for something so mundane. To go to bed with you.
But right now that's all he wants.
After a long day of work, he just wants to change his clothes and have you sleeping next to him. He wants to see your nose twitch in your sleep like it usually does. During a movie night at his place you fell asleep and he saw it for the first time. Couldn't get it out of his mind for days.
"Do you have a change of clothes for me?" you ask quietly.
He nods his head, "I have everything. All you have to do is say yes."
You smile.
"Take me to bed, 'Mando."
He wastes no time. With no other words he lifts you up from the back of your thighs and carries you to his room. You latch onto him and nestle your face into the crook of his neck.
Armando wants to remember this feeling forever. It's not love. Not yet. It's the possibility of falling in love.
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Holidays in the 604
Hope everyone has been having a good holidays so far, however that looks for you or best suits your sensibilities 🥹🥰🫂🎄🎄
I started to write write some HCs for what the holidays might look like for the couples in a few of my series (Safest with You, The Rockford Portfolio, etc.) but for reasons below the cut, haven't had much energy or motivation to write (no need to read, it's a bit of a downer and kind of rambly!) - I'm hoping that I can find a little bit of both in the next few days and maybe get some thoughts down to still post.
For those same reasons, I haven't been on here much, to my detriment if I'm being honest - this place is a source of escapism for me and not being able to come on here for more than a few minutes a day has felt a bit offputting. I feel like I've missed a lot of amazing holiday stories that would have likely boosted my spirits a bit - I'll try to go back and find them but if you have or read any that you wish to recommend/share, please do let me know!
Similarly, thank you to everyone for your tags/mentions/asks - I want to get to them and maybe still participate in a few tag games if it's not too late when I muster up some energy. Thank you for thinking of me!! I truly wish that you all continue to have a lovely holiday season and look forward to ringing in the new year! You're all such a welcomed presence in my life and I'm grateful to each and every one of you for being here! Hope to see you soon 🥹 KISS KISS 😘😘
Ok, now as to why Emily has a bit of the holiday blues this year:
I didn't grow up with a lot of hard set Christmas traditions, celebrations around the end of the year didn't go much beyond the commercial and the holiday season was mainly appreciated for being time off (from school, work), a time to rest and relax. There was cheer and joy, but as the kids say these days, it wasn't that deep. I've since married into a family that puts A LOT of pressure on Christmas - with an emphasis on physical togetherness and adhering to traditions/customs, that (to me anyways) can feel at times more performative than enjoyable; I totally understand the comfort in doing things the way they've always been done, but a lot of times it feels like people are just checking things off a list rather than genuinely enjoying (for example) baking the Christmas cookies, you know what I mean? Couple that with my priorities for my kiddos' Christmas, the way we spend Christmas now can feel a lot like a season of obligation. Depending on what the particular plan is for that year, it can also be incredibly hard, draining, and not all that jolly for me.
This was one of those years.
I hosted the big Christmas dinner at my house and also had those from out of town staying with us for a week. I'm a Virgo who thinks of her home as her sanctuary, am a bit fastidious about her things, and sees value in being forthright. It's a lot for me to have people taking over my house, making messes, and pushing/crossing boundaries that I've tried to set due to previous visits, all while maintaining a certain level of holiday cheer and slapping on a facade of "it's fine" when I definitely don't feel that way. I'll admit I wasn't always successful this past week.
Mr. 604 is very supportive and knows his family can be a lot, but at the end of the day a) he's just a man 😂 (and not a miracle worker) and b) they are his family and he himself has had to "grin and bear" a great many things over the course of his life, so he has more practice at it but doesn't necessarily have any advice to impart on how to better cope with the chaos.
It makes me feel like a curmudgeon for not being able to suck it up more and pretend for the sake of the kids, or even to help maintain this performance of "family togetherness" that seems to be the whole point of whatever the heck everyone was doing. So this holiday season has thus far been exhausting, filled with guilt, and left me feeling a bit empty.
I am okay and recovering now, it will just take a few days I think. If you read this far - thank you! I just needed to rant a little bit - I don't feel much like myself these days and that in itself can be depressing, especially at a time when I'm supposed to be experiencing the opposite. Here's to some rest, some quiet, some peace in the last few days of 2024 for myself, Mr. 604, and anyone else who needs it! 🤞🏻🥰
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↠ Tim & Lucy ↳ 2x10 - The Dark Side
#chenford#chenfordedit#the rookie#therookieedit#tim x lucy#jesuis-assez edits: chenford season 2#jesuis-assez edits: chenford#jesuis-assez edits: chenford scenes 2x10#I really didn't want to gif a single frame of Caleb. But I did want to gif this scene. So sacrifices had to be made 🤣#Absolute INSANE behavior Tim. INSANE! and yet justified given how much of a piece of sh-- Caleb turned out to be. He had creepy vibes#from the get go. It's interesting how Tim said that Lucy hesitated with Caleb.#The only hesitancy (and frustration) I detect is this conversation taking place while Tim is there and Lucy being very aware of that.#And Tim at the end handing her the paper. Lucy observing how he's acting and how quickly he shifted into protective mode. Tim standing#there with a part of him not feeling right about this whole thing & later projecting that as Lucy being the one who didn't.#He was overwhelmed by his guilt and in such anguish. Just falling apart at the thought of losing her because he gave her advice#as a friend and not as her training officer. Something awful happening to someone else. To Lucy... collecting more guilt#and piling it on top of all the other times that happened. That someone suffered because of 'his actions'#Neither Tim or Lucy saw this sadistic monster coming. And Tim may not have suspected him...#But there was something about Caleb and that interaction that had Tim stepping into that role of the fierce protector.#And Tim isn't only emitting protective energy here...🟢 * Puts a green circle there and doesn't elaborate * Yaass queen give us nothing 🤣#The green circle of jealousy and Tim is standing inside of it.#But he's also coming across as distrustful of Caleb's intentions which is not alarming as they're in the midst of the chaos#surrounding a serial killer. It's rather expected to be that way. It's how Tim said he should've known. He should've suspected him.#He's a cop. And yet he started interrogating like a cop would & as if he were a suspect. Asking for a last name. What he does for a living.#He behaved in that way for a reason. So something definitely felt off but the need to be Lucy's friend in that moment#that he encouraged her to go out with him came before his instinct to be a cop or even her T.O .#In other words... He prioritized Lucy and what he thought she needed. He shifted the focus from the case onto her by#suggesting she focus on something else. And when she was taken... that focus on her became heightened by the gravity of the situation.#+ The EYE CONTACT. Tim & Lucy having their own private moment. The silent communication between them while Caleb rambles on#in the background about something unimportant. I have so much more to say but I've reached my tag limit 🤣*whispers with feeling* f**k..
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Give me five whole minutes.
Credits: Me
#I sobbed like a baby during Missing Limbs but I didn't expect the end of Euclid to catch me so bad#but hearing that line. hearing that *song* that has constantly ran rampant in my mind. That I've held so close to my chest? Amazing#absolutely fucking amazing#let alone getting to sing it along with 20k other people#the Espera sounded gorgeous Vessel sounded gorgeous and ii iii and IV played wonderfully well#(about to be a bit vunerable so bear with me)#I said in one of my other posts that 'I think my soul came out of my body for a bit' and I mean that whole heartedly. because this is where#call it an extreme reaction but I felt all my blood go out of my fingers and just this. humungous weight peeling itself off of my shoulders#I jokingly call myself a cockroach a lot because I tend to have bitterly bad luck and just try my best to get back up after it and this jus#I'm describing as I go and it's the hardest thing to illustrate#I felt welcomed. like the warm feeling when you come home and the heatings on in Winter#never will I ever fully be able to execute the thanks I have for what this band has done for me#for what you guys in this community have done for me#this felt like a peak and I think I'll forever being going upwards from here. this and you guys have made the climb so much easier#perhaps the appropriate time to simply say 'worship'#mel's rambles#mel's photos#sleep token#st#teeth of god tour#tog tour#vessel#vessel sleep token#euclid#song euclid#tmbte#sleep token tmbte#take me back to eden#+ again. kindly ignore me crying and singing
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this tree from my new drawing looking goated afffffff 👑👑
#yes this is a nel/vas drawing get off me😂#text#i wanted everyone to see it but also since i draw on paper in total silence i think a lot about everything so i wanted to voice some -#- thoughts too's. tbh i've been veeery self indulgent lately#actually i'm happy that n*lv*s is getting actual hits out of me that i like looking at#especially on-paper stuff that i can recall being fun for me to draw. all traditional art is fun to draw#and digital has turned into an actual task for me (only sometimes tho maybe i;m lying.. mspaint we're still bffs)#i think i just don't see the joy in trying to scrap up a ''' finished ''' piece in an art program .. pencil i love you and i love the -#- feeling of it scratching along the paper....sigh............ Rabu#i don't want my blog or thoughts to turn into traditional art suck-off ventures bc ik not everyone can get into it for many possible -#- reasons but if u feel like it U can ok? do it for Pencil✏️ and for me? for silusvesuius? 𝖎 𝖜𝖎𝖑𝖑 𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖙𝖊𝖈𝖙 𝖞𝖔𝖚#but Lord i hope i don't also come off as one of those people that r like 'to improve in art just draw that one fictional character u -#- rly like 😂😂' bruh gtfo my face with that.#i'm noticing 'improvement' in my stuff mainly...i think... because i'm always striving to impress#not so much other people that are here just for my art but more so myself#i have a very huge ego (Mind Battle)#also it makes me sad to think about how big egos or genuine (not obnoxious) flauntiness are looked down on#and i can tell bc i used to look down on people that would express the things i'm expressing now#especially in art focused spaces. now i'd rather be in a circle of artists that love to J*rk off their own brain for it's ideas -#-and talent than be w/ very self-conscious artists that are never expressing pride about any of their work#worse if it's to the point where they actively start to fish for compliments bc of it#fishing for compliments is always OK i just wish it didn't stem from insecurity in that context if that makes sense#but maybe that's very easy for me to say and admit bc i did develop a very big ego around my art and ... Creativity? like it's a sims skill#not that i still don't seek out 'attention' or compliments from others to soothe myself but hmmmmmm i hope u feel me.#it just turns me into a very competitive person#who am i competing with? Myself#i'm always in 'you can do better Because you're YOU' mode#which is much better i believe than comparing yourself 2 other artists#i don't think a lot of people read my tag ramblings but if u do i wonder how one feels about a very pompous artist#like me .......(?)
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is anyone still in the mood for a hypmic imagines blog these days lol
#mod rambles#giant ramble incoming ->#the tag seems so..#dead. which makes me sad :(#it’s looking pretty grim for us yumes out there ngl#do the people still yearn for self indulgent romance with their oshis. lol#i am still very much a yume freak. perhaps more so lately. but i never do talk about my own yume ships loll#plus the yume community does not seem.. very pleasant. to say the least#i do kinda want to come back and write here#but not on this account. i’d make a new one#i kinda want to start all over tbh. like a fresh slate#plus it'd kinda force me to try and get back into the groove of writing bc i feel like i've forgotten each and every rule lol#also it's important to have a creative outlet!! even if i most likely do not have the time for one lmao#i do want to provide for the h.ypmic yume community on here though. plus i love to write#even though i'm not caught up on the drama tracks..#idk if i'm emotionally ready for them#yes i did see this is the final drb. i got the news while studying for my final the very next day so suffice to say i was not doing well lo#idk if I’d share the new blog though. but i feel like it’d be p obvious if were me? lol#but i also wouldn’t have the time to write or post so idk.#i have time rn bc I’m on break but#when school starts back up again I’m gonna be packed. esp since I’ll be starting neuro so that’s gonna take all my brain activity (ha)#also will be starting research back up again so that’s a pain#plus. truth be told this year hasn’t been particularly kind to me#i haven’t really been in the mood to write or share it bc of what’s been going on back home#my people are always on my mind all the time#esp my village#🇱🇧❤️#been doing a lot of rambling lately but not a lot of writing. hm#all this to say: i might be coming back but prob with a new blog. lol#i write a lot just to get to the bare basic point (hence the 30 tags)
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live with me forever now (just not for long, for long); October '23
Fall Out Boy, Heartbreak Feels So Good // The Farewell (2019) dir. Lulu Wang // Fall Out Boy, Hum Hallelujah // unknown // Amy Hempel // Erin Slaughter // Sally Wen Mao // Richard Siken // Laura Makabresku, The Anatomy of Melancholy // Trista Mateer // A Softer World // unknown // The Farewell // Hosho McCreesh // unknown // Fall Out Boy, Heaven, Iowa // The Farewell // Kaveh Akbar // locket engraved with words by E. E. Cummings (source unknown) // Panic! at the Disco, Trade Mistakes // Hieu Minh Nguyen
#count me awake before you sleep... I will weep ok?? I'll weep#Lu rambles#web weaving#I need to watch the farewell again I think it would be good for me at this point in my life#anyway. I'm feeling weird about my birthday. I told gurt and beebs last night that if victor hugo taught me how to use semicolons#for the best tonal effect#then pete wentz taught me the same for parentheses#idk where I'm going with this but a beloved friend put words to something about me that I hadn't pinned down before that#and I've been thinking about it all week. my birthday is coming up. idk I'm just feeling kinda weird#but not like in a bad way? just a neutral kind of weird. I can use it to wallow in angst OR I can use it for good#but the weird feelings are themselves neutral. I don't feel negative or down I just feel... strange and a bit soft and rainy I guess#idk#anyway here's this
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ghostwriter (their grandma would tell them she'd lose half her soul)
#or smth smth. having a lot of Thoughts. anyways here's the piece i've been working on and sometimes u have to just say Done#there's a lot of thinks but i am maybe a bit tired and so tmr i'll come in and add all the Tags that i'd personally want to get from myself#maybe i'll reblog the extras tmr too. this is an incredibly self indulgent piece + it probably deserves a tag ramble essay or smth#ig for now we see how it stands for itself + in the meantime:#adamandi#beatrix valeria campbell#hello!! i'm back with belated tags yippee!! alright so for funsies i'm going to make it sound like i'm going bonkers over this :3#the eye shine... the glowy eye... it's like phaethon shine but also smth about eyes to windows to the soul and like#there's two beatrixes here! half the soul. lost part doing things specific to the phaethon and here it's portrayed as tearing off her name#because that's really; truly; when it all starts!! also notable for the ghostly beatrix is i did it more painterly and cloaked in shadow and#fading into the bg. i think i was super duper specificish about where the glow comes from! front lighting back lighting beloved!!! like help#let's put it this way- beatrix face always glowy. important parts of paper also glowy. it's just that different elements are turned away#from the viewer by each beatrix!! also also. let's talk about the very gently implied blood and red etcetera#like the red string is canonical and i love personally the whole red strings of fate thing even though it's not Here Applicable exactly but#that definitely was an influence! and also the blood in the bg... i'm starting to think this is a recurring trend. but anyway shadowy bea#the other strings hang while the red string loops!! so like that one string feels almost alive. it's a sort of whimsical i put on the same#as metaphorical glowy eye!! also also the eye is lowkey influenced by the whole idea of Eyes and Spotlights within the show and also glow#as in power as in heyyy you ever think about writing as a visual medium huh#speaking of writing!! there is no beatrix thingy complete in my head without text sorrry but the black text overlays are always so >>> to me#and in the sense of art styles and overlays shoutout to all the black crosshatching outline thingys because For Some Reason in my mind#of all the characters beatrix feels like the bnw ink printed illustrations you get in books idk#fun fact! i spent so long rendering this and that was fine i liked it! but then trying to figure out text to go on the papers was a Thing#i tried to do. but then gave up on! sometimes i have to pick my battles and graphic design is indubitably Not my passion bc Fonts#fun facts about this is i Actually did start with a quick sketch in mind and there's been so many changed elements. in the og the front#paper for instance had 'ardess murders' written on it and the back one said phaethon interviews.. i like the nominee list better it feels#more narrative-esque and less passive than her just holding her writing.! other elements that got discontinued were that#front beatrix was supposed to blur into the other ghostly beatrix but i couldn't do it without sacrificing clarity so... no... no blurry#oh and the red string morphing at the ends to smth more abstract was always there from the start!! og had more floating papers#and also a silhouette of vincent and a scalpel bc 'one who pulls the strings' but that (pun intended)! got cut (hahahahahahaha) (sorry)#used also to be a lot of print room clutter but that got cut to bc compositionally i made beatrix larger (learned lesson from last art)
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let's meet again
#kingdom hearts#kh#kingdom hearts dark road#khdr#xehanort#young xehanort#baldr#xehabaldr#quadratum au#my art#kh art#(shaking you by the shoulders) BALDR IN QUADRATUM!!!!!!!!!#and he gets a ponytail because. well look at him#idr who i saw say 'i knew he had bakura vibes' when the finale dropped but i was definitely channeling that here#i've been resisting the urge to ramble abt baldr in the tags. because. i am insane#but. BUT#i dont think that there's a meaningful difference between baldr and darkness. like i think 'possessed' baldr IS baldr#and that he's always been Like That. but i also think it's a mask#like he is cruel because of hatred and anger but also because of grief. and also because he's miserable and -#- because he needs to feel like he deserves it. deserves to be miserable#like it's about punishing himself. that's what it is at its core. he is vile and so he will act vile#but it's an act. he's putting on a show. it's a performance#'i win. you lose. the end'#so he tries to drag xehanort into the performance by goading him into being hurt and angry and vengeful towards him (like he deserves)#but the second xehanort refuses to play along the facade comes crashing down#all that to say. i remembered this bit of dialogue from days and felt like drawing something self indulgent. again#happy valentines day to unwell people <3
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oh, wow.
Apparently I've written past the 200k words threshold worth of fanfiction (unincluding orphaned works).
See? I never needed therapy to begin with.
#writing#but if i may be a bit sentimental. its been a long time coming#and despite the many times i whine about how horrible i feel my writing is#i *am* very proud of how far i've come with this little hobby of mine#200k is probably nothing to some of you but hey. we can celebrate small victories#heres to more mentally ill caffeine-induced writing frenzies and other such future endeavours 🥂#ramblings
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no no i am dONE. DONE u hear me?? i see u smosh redditors who lurk on here and put our posts on r/smosh to discuss!!!! i SEE you, how about u join tumblr?? how about u make posts of ur own?? how about we become moots?? do it. do it are u scared. you're scared aren't u. c'mon be moots with me. join the smoshblr community. i dare u.
#this is a joke btw#felt weird seeing my own post on there ngl but it was a cute one about the we're bad at dating series so i'm okay but just#why not just come here#be part of smoshblr#but for real i've seen people take memes/posts i've seen on here and post them on reddit with what seems like no credit or like#idk but what if you don't want ur post shared yk?#i'm sure some people feel that way#anyway im done rambling#q talks#smosh#shourtney#courtney miller#shayne topp#smosh reddit#smosh reddit stories#r/smosh
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The last post is part of the reason Faust Got In My Brain So Bad-
Something about someone who's self destructive behaviour has a positive impact on the people around him is so. Deeply tragic.
Faust is someone who can't slow down or let his mask of the friendly neighbourhood doctor slip for even a moment because that's seconds wasted where he could be helping his patients. And what's a bigger insult to everyone he's hurt than that?
#I've been thinking about Faust again recently-#another thing I've been trying to rack my brain for was how Dr. Baldhead happened and I feel like I do have an answer for that#Faust was someone who was a doctor during one of the most horrific wars in human history#and despite it he managed to gain a reputation as a mircale worker who could heal any injury and cure any illness#which he's right to have! Faust was so close to achieving the ability to *resurrect the dead*#so close to no one having to die on his watch in a world filled with death and destruction and entire countries getting wiped.#and he failed. For the *first time in his career* Faust lost a patient.#And unequipped for the grief that comes with it... I don't know how things could've gone any differently.#compounding that with everything Faust did as Dr. Baldhead..#I can understand why everything happened the way it did. I can understand why Faust sees himself as someone unworthy of help or forgiveness.#FAUST... MMGNGB... I will stop rambling in the tags this is getting too long- but know I'm always thinking about him.#I also hope this made sense- my bad if I'm off base here <:] good thing most of my mutuals are asleep!#yappin'
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HELP maybe this is influenced by how I'm writing this, or maybe it was supposed to be gleaned from canon and I just. Haven't fully thought about it til now. Haven't Deeply analyzed it beyond the blaring alarm bells that go off when reading this. But. Alfonse's,
Straight into.
This isn't him doubling down. This is him BACKTRACKING. This is him going, "oh fuck I think maybe I came on a little too strong maybe I was a bit too vulnerable and that's really scary. How do I fix this" and he's running through all the dialogue options in his head like Okay. Play it Cool. Keep it Casual. Proclaim your undying loyalty and devotion to your Trusted Partner (person he just told in the beginning of this conversation that he didn't intend to become friends with) by making yourself a blade and shield for them. NAILED IT 👍
#fire emblem#feh#ALFONSE. PLEASE. COME ON MAN#HUUUUUGE FUCKING EPIPHANY FOR ME THOUGH as i'm writing/drawing bc that last line i've been struggling w the most#but this. add some moe lore. I HAVE HUGE IDEAS ABOUT THE MOE LORE IN TANDEM W THE CANON IMPLICATIONS.#in short/minimal spoilers if i forget to expand on it later BUT IT'S SO HUGE TO ME. SO HUGE#but i think alfonse has Noticed. things about moe. similarities to himself. but it either#doesn't know it or refuses to acknowledge it. he isn't sure which yet. so when he says 'i hope you feel the same'#he's reaching out ala pre-skip dimitri fbs. asking moe to Consider This. AND. AND. IN TANDEM.#w the canon implications. that he doesn't think highly of himself and doesn't dare wait for an answer#AND. AND. HELP THERE'S A MOMENT THAT'S SO FUCKING FUNNY. he just commits a Blunder#that even moe's autistic ass catches him on. it all happens So quickly. in a fucking instant.#WHICH. WHICH. LED TO ME REALIZING THIS. he is trying TO CATCH HIMSELF HERE.#AND THE. ADDITION. of moe lore/the blunder why he tries to move on So quickly. please do NOT ask me questions i WILL throw up.#ALSO LIKE book 3 alfonse fresh in my mind. i did take a break after The Incident (gustav).#but like. goes so insane actually. this is really all he knows how to be. constantly in service to others. made to be a tool.#it's so fucked up bc you can see he is genuinely wired like that too. he WANTS to help. he wants to do good#but man................... i def don't have the words for it rn it's just so tragic. but i think about it All The Fucking Time.#GOD SORRY I'M HAVING ANOTHER ALEAR FB MOMENT. ALFONSE. ALFONSE.#cut off that tangent just to make a whole other post about it.#fe alfonse#moe tag#TAGGING IT. bc i rambled about it in the tags and it's MY OC I MAKE THE RULES 😤😤😤😤😤
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with the new year comes some little bits of housekeeping, and it's mainly how i plan to approach interactions moving forward. the plain and unfortunate truth is i suck at keeping up with messages. it's easier the closer i feel to someone, but i can still get easily overwhelmed. i'm still forgetful, both with messages and interaction calls. so this year, i'm going to do my best to act in accordance to my strengths and stop pushing myself to do something that i simply don't have the mental energy to do constantly.
what does this mean? well, i won't be making plotting calls going forward; instead, i plan to make lists of plots for each muse as well as general plots/dynamics i want, and i'll approach you if you like one of these posts. this should make dynamics easier to develop since we'll already have a starting place. i will also occasionally reblog a plotting meme of some sort, so if you want a more personalized idea from me, those will be the way to go. i probably won't like plotting calls myself unless i have a pretty solid idea in mind.
when i make starter/inbox calls, i'm going to start placing a cap on them so that i don't bite off more than i can chew. if i get through that initial cap, i might raise it if i still feel good enough to do more, but if i don't, it's okay bc i guarantee i'll make another interaction call before long! i just need to start doing this bc i honestly forget what i owe within a few days if i get busy.
and i want to be honest -- the little interactions make me more comfortable around my mutuals and more likely to pursue interactions. liking my headcanons/ooc posts/etc., commenting on posts, and sending in memes ( ic or ooc ) show me you do have an interest in what i have to offer. i understand reaching out is nerve-wracking bc i get nervous, too, but reaching out can be something as small as liking a post. and this is just a general note in regards to my own comfort that i might put in my rules! i guess what i'm saying is, if you're having a hard time approaching me, just a little interaction will help me bridge the gap, if that makes sense. if both of us feel shy but at least one of us reaches out even in a small way, we can make a connection over time!
i think that's it for the time being! i promise i'll be doing my best to show my interest even when it's hard for me to talk, and i hope these changes make it easier to connect <3
#i'm not reading that back again bc i really am feeling like a lil deflated balloon and it's only 9 o'clock here asdfg#i've been thinking about this for a minute though bc really#i keep trying to be good at messages and keeping track of interaction calls and rather than stressing myself out#i'm just going to do what i know will work better for me bc it'll then work better for y'all in the long run too#i might add all of this into my rules later but for now i'm gonna drink some water and take a minute bc a headache is trying to come for me#and just!! sorry to everyone i've ever forgotten about when it comes to interaction calls!!#and i'm sorry to everyone i've ever forgotten to message back!!#i never meant to be this way and you're wonderful!! i just got a bad brain you see :' )#get ready to ramble | ooc
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Happy Boxing Day y'all, we're manifesting a couple things today >:]]]
#Number One is for my parents to discuss my partner coming to my house to hang out#Which is HUUUGE because a) Ive never had them round and b) I've never had ANYONE round properly#(there is one instance where I could count someone coming over but it was very short so like. I've had someone over like once when I was 11#Im not allowed to ask her about it today but Mum told me to remind her tomorrow so MANIFESTING SHE DISCUSSES IT#Number Two is that 2025 is my year and that I manage to get my shit together enough for me to live the best fucking year ever#Ik its a wtf year but hoooopefully its a good year for me and my life and all you guys too#HERES TO GETTING MY SHIT TOGETHER ENOUGH TO FEEL MOTIVATED IN THE NEW YEAR GUYSSS#anyways soz for the ramble cya later pookies
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