#i've been awake since 7 am yesterday

[bbyboyev]

look at this dumbass, i love him sm. HES LOOKING AT PETER IM GONNA SHOOT MYSELF.

TONY STARK in SPIDER-MAN: HOMECOMING (2017)

[autumnshighlady]

I've Always Liked to Play With Fire (part 17)

NESTA ARCHERON X ERIS VANSERRA X FEMALE!READER

summary: reunion time

warnings: Night Court slander, anti Rhysand

word count: 5.9k

DO NOT REPOST ANYWHERE

a/n: i am SO SO SO SORRY FOR THE LACK OF UPDATES! It's been almost 4 months since the last chapter yikes. Life got crazy then I got into a horrible writing block and this is the first thing I've written since July. I'll admit it sucks and is definitely a filler chapter but I promise more exciting stuff to come x

feedback is appreciated, just no hate pls! these are just my opinions, i’m more curious to see how you all like the writing and characterization and storylines!

part 1 // part 2 / part 3 / part 4 / part 5 / part 6 / part 7 / part 8 / part 9 / part 10 / part 11 / part 12 / part 13 / part 14 / part 15 / part 16 / 

read on ao3

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For the first time in weeks, your eyes open to rays of sunshine instead of cold darkness. Warm, rich scents flooded your senses, so vastly different from the stifling air of the prison cell you had become accustomed to. Instead of smelling damp, cold stone, you were greeted with the smell of fir trees and fresh air. Your limbs felt lighter, the weight of the chains that had been shackled to your wrists for ages long forgotten.The soft touch of a heavy blanket wrapped around you like an embrace, hugging your body.

You squinted at the harshness of the light, eyes not quite used to the brightness of the sun. You groaned and rolled over to get away from the luminous glow, but felt your body collide with something on the bed. After a couple blinks, your eyes began to focus on the lithe figure sitting next to you.

“Nesta…” Your voice was barely above a whisper, her name like a prayer on your mouth as she came into view. Nesta’s tall frame was seated cross-legged next to you, clad in a deep green gown with a wide neckline adorned with a lacy pattern of gold flowers. Her hands were clasped together tightly, resting upon her skirts. Her sharp face was muddled with concern, slate grey eyes hollow like her mind was elsewhere. 

But they snapped into focus once again at the sound of your voice. “(Y/N)” Nesta breathed, blinking a few times as if she couldn’t believe it was truly you. “You’re awake.”

“How long was I out?” You asked, trying to prop yourself up on your elbows but failing. You let out a groan, flopping back onto the pillows like a sack of potatoes.

“Don’t try and sit up yet.” Nesta warned, gently putting a hand on your shoulder. “You’ve been out for two days. Your body has been through so much, the healers said to let you rest as much as possible.”

You took in a breath, taking in the sight of Nesta before you. A thousand emotions swelled up in you all at once, threatening to burst out and paint the room a hundred different colours. Your mate, your beautiful, strong mate had come to save you. Tears pricked at your eyes as your throat swelled up. “Nesta–” You croaked out.

“Shhh.” Nesta shushed, squeezing your shoulder. “It’s okay. You’re safe. You got out. We all did.”

You sighed. The escape from the Night Court seemed like yesterday and a million years ago all at once. “Are we in Autumn? I don’t remember getting here.”

Nesta nodded. “You passed out on Zôrzimril after we left Night. We’re in Eris’ personal residence in the woods. Beron doesn’t know you’re here.”

You glanced at the room around you, taking in the rich earthy tones signature to the Autumn Court. It was warm and inviting, a stark contrast to the cold surroundings of Night. Lucien had told you that Eris had his own, elaborate place somewhere free of his father in the court. You had never stepped foot in it, until now, but had always wanted to.

“You’re in the room I’ve been staying in.” Nesta continued, a hint of a red blush across her cheeks as she avoided your gaze. “Actually, it’s technically Eris’s–”

“Wait,” You interrupted her. “I’m in Eris’s bed? You’ve been sleeping in Eris’s bed?”

Nesta’s blush deepened. “It’s his personal residence. He doesn’t exactly have guest rooms.”

“Where has he been staying then?” 

“When he’s not at his father’s palace, the couch, apparently. Don’t feel bad for him, that couch is big enough for 3 people to sleep comfortably, limbs spread out and all.”

You snorted, ignoring the fact that you were laying in Eris’ personal bed. You expected to feel a twinge of jealousy that Nesta had been staying in this room, so up close and personal with Eris. But none came. Something which surprised you, given Nesta was your mate, and mates were supposed to be territorial. 

It was like a bucket of ice water was washed over you as you recalled the realisations you came to over the last few days. Nesta didn’t know she was your mate – she thought she was Cassian’s.

Estelle’s words rang in your head. Fae folk can have more than one mate in some instances. Nesta Archeron has more than one, but Cassian is not one of them.

It confused you – Cassian sure acted like a mated male around Nesta, even more so once Rhys mentioned it at the Court of Nightmares. Why would the High Lord lie about it? Did anyone else know? A million questions swarmed through you, each one louder than the last.

You recalled Nesta telling you the story of Feyre finding out about the mating bond with Rhys. How angry she was when she found out that the male had known for months and didn’t tell her. Deep down, you knew Nesta would be angrier the longer you kept it from her. “Nesta,” You began. “There’s something you need to know–”

“Good morning, my sunshines.” The smooth voice of Eris echoed throughout the room as the door swung open, interrupting you. The prince strolled in, red hair gleaming in the glow of the morning sun. He was carrying a tray, steaming with freshly baked pastries, tea, and fruits. “I see (Y/N) has risen from the dead!”

“You’re not funny, Eris.” Nesta snapped. 

“I disagree.” Eris quipped, setting the tray down at the foot of the bed. “(Y/N) think’s I’m hilarious, don’t you (Y/N)?”

You snorted. “If you pass me that bacon and egg sandwich I’ll give you this one.”

Eris smirked, placing the requested item onto a gold plate and passing it to you. “Deal.”

You eagerly grabbed the sandwich, taking as big of a bite as your mouth would allow. It burned your tongue, but you didn’t care. It took everything in you not to moan as the rich flavours filled your taste buds. “This is amazing.” You mumbled.

The Autumn Prince smirked. “Well I suppose anything would taste good after being basically starved in a dungeon.”

“Seriously, Eris. Shut up.” Nesta seethed, shooting a deadly glare at him. You snorted, but couldn’t help but notice the lack of seriousness behind it. Plenty of times you had been witness to Nesta snapping at people, but this was different. Her tone didn’t have the same bite to it that it did with others – no, it was more playful. She turned back to you, eyes softening. “How do you feel?”

You shrugged. “Tired. Like I’ve just done the workout of the century and need a week’s worth of sleep. I don’t want to leave this bed for at least another few days.”

Grey eyes met amber ones as Nesta and Eris exchanged an uneasy glance. For that moment, the only sound was the rustling of the wind coming through the windows. “What?” You asked, brows furrowed.

Eris sighed, walking around the corner of the bed. He was dressed in a simple red shirt with loose sleeves, the top slightly unlaced and exposing the pale skin underneath. Very rarely had you seen the prince dressed so casually. He grabbed your ankles through the thick duvet, lifting your legs up slightly and moving them to the side to make space for him to sit across from Nesta. Eris kept his hands on your legs, gently squeezing them.

“You’ve survived a lot of hard things lately, (Y/N).” He said slowly. “And you’ve overcome one of the most difficult parts. But I’d be lying if I said it was going to get a lot easier.”

A lump formed in your throat. Truthfully, over the past few weeks you hadn’t even thought about the possibility of what life would be like if you escaped Night and got to Autumn. There were still dozens of factors to consider, all of which you had given up on figuring out solutions to.

“I have to explain to my father how and why you are here, which will be difficult.” Eris continued. “He already blew a fuse over Nesta’s unexpected arrival. It is likely a second unexpected arrival will be even worse, and he will not take it lightly.”

You shifted in the pillows, running a hand through your hair. Surprisingly, you weren’t met with the knots and tangles you expected from not being able to brush your own hair for weeks. “Your father will hurt you, won’t he?” You said to Eris.

He hesitated before speaking. “Let me worry about that, my dear. We need to convince my father there’s a good reason for you to stay. I’ve already used the marriage card on Lady Nesta here, so we need to figure out something else.”

“What about my…” Your words trailed off as you tried to think of a word to describe what exploded out of you during the escape. “Magic?”

Eris shook his head. “Not an option. He cannot know about that.”

“Why not? Surely he’ll find out eventually?”

“Likely not. Rhysand is not stupid enough to let slip that he let someone with that kind of ability escape his court. And I have reason to believe Tamlin will stay quiet about it as well.”

“Speaking of that kind of ability,” Nesta interjected. “What even was that? I didn’t know you–”

“Yeah, me neither.” You said, locking your fingers together and twirling them around. You lowered your head, avoiding their gazes. “Something…. something happened when I was in there.”

Eris cocked his head, eyes burning with curiosity. “What happened?”

Nesta grabbed your hands, unlocking your clammy fingers and lacing her own between them. She shot a fierce look at Eris. “She doesn’t have to talk about it now.” She hissed.

“Yes, Nesta, she does.” Eris said calmly before turning back to you. “I wish we had more time to let you rest, I really do, but I need to know what happened before I can figure out what story to spin to my father.”

You let out a sigh. “Why can’t we just kill him first so we don’t have to deal with all of this?”

Nesta snorted, earning an eye roll from Eris. “As much as I would love to be rid of my father,” Eris said. “We have to wait before we take him out. There are things that need to be properly aligned, and it takes planning.”

“Haven’t you been planning?” You fired back. “I mean, plotting and scheming is all you do in your spare time, isn’t it?”

A smirk formed at the edge of Eris’s lips. “The officials in this court need to see Beron accept you and Nesta if they’re going to accept you. We risk a coup if we kill him before then. Now, tell me what happened while you were in that cell.”

Nesta’s steady hand on your weak one evened your breathing slightly. You tore your gaze from the pattern on the sheets and you drank in the sight of her as if it could slip away at a moment's notice. She looked stronger, healthier than she had in Night. She carried herself more confidently, less stiff and rigid. She looked more comfortable in her own skin, something that filled you with pride. But also sorrow – sadness at the fact you hadn’t been there to witness this change.

And so you explained everything – the vision you had, the conversation with Estelle, what happened that day Hybern came to your village. Nesta’s face was twisted with confusion and awe as you went on, whereas Eris’ expression was unreadable. 

“But that wasn’t everything.” You murmured, heart beginning to race as you prepared to explain the part you dreaded most. 

“There’s more?” Nesta asked, eyes wide. “You’re telling me you’re the Mother incarnate, and there’s more than that?”

Tears pricked at your eyes once again. These next few words could ruin everything. You knew Nesta hated the idea of mates, the concept of being shackled to someone just because a higher being thought you’d produce good offspring. Nesta already had to process what Rhysand said about Cassian being her mate, and you were about to make it a whole lot worse. You couldn’t stop those tears from spilling down your face as a sob left your body.

“Hey…” Eris spoke softly, reaching out to brush one of the tears off your cheek. “It’s ok.”

“(Y/N)?” Nesta’s voice was cautious, laced with concern.

“You’re my mate.” Your voice shook as you dragged the words out. You fixed your gaze on the sheets again, not wanting to see Nesta’s reaction.  

“What?” She said quietly.

“Cassian isn’t your mate,” You said, more steady this time. “I am. Estelle said fae can have more than one mate, but Cassian is not one of yours.”

For once, not even the wind rustled in response. It was as if the world had gone quiet. You could feel her surprise, like a rush of cold water surging through that link between you two. You tried to reach her through the bond, to get a sense of what else she was feeling, but you were met with a stone cold wall.

Nesta. You tried. But she had shut you out, eyes vacant as she took in the information. Wordlessly, Nesta removed her hands from yours. Your skin cried out at the loss of warmth, missing the contact already. She uncrossed her legs and climbed off the bed before leaving the room, slamming the door behind her.

A sob wracked your body again, harder this time. Wet droplets appeared on the sheets as tears rolled off your face, and you buried your head in your hands. Even after everything you’d endured, this was somehow the worst.

You felt a shift on the bed as Eris scooted up closer to you. “It’ll be okay.” You heard his voice murmur in that scarce gentle tone.

“You don’t know that.” You choked out. One of your fears had come true. Everything you and Nesta had built up over the last few months – the quiet friendship, the few sacred kisses you shared that set your entire body alight, the easiness during training with Gwyn and Emerie, it all came crashing down. Whatever she had felt for you mattered now, she wouldn’t want to be shackled even more than she already has.

“When you were asleep, Nesta spent hours untangling your hair.” 

You lifted your head from your hands at Eris’ voice, meeting his soft gaze. “It was a mess,” He continued. “Took her the entire afternoon. But she was so gentle, and not breaking a single strand. She didn’t take a single break, and even after she was done she remained by your side until the sun came up. I set up the couch for her, but she insisted on sleeping next to you.”

Eris gently touched your hand. It was warm against your skin, which you felt was still thawing from the cold of Rhys’ dungeon. “Nesta has had a lot to take in the last few weeks, as you well know. I’ve been training her powers, but my father has insisted that a demonstration of her magic be made before the marriage is to happen. I have no doubt that–”

“Did you know?” You blurted out before the prince could finish his sentence. It was a question that had been niggling at the back of your mind since you found out Nesta was your mate – Eris had a knack for finding out things long before others knew. You had no doubt that the second he found out about the spell you and Nesta cast, he had delved into hours of research trying to figure out as much about it as possible. He was a clever male, one who fought with knowledge and scheming rather than brute force like Cassian.

Eris was silent for a moment before speaking. “I suspected. There were too many unknown factors to bring it up, I wanted to be sure before I told Nesta. I found old manuscripts dating back thousands of years – the text was faded, but it went into more details about the specifics of the spell between Estelle and Jayana. There were too many parallels between it and the mating bond. I figured the only explanation was that a mating bond had to already be in place for the spell to truly link.”

You sighed. If Nesta found out that Eris might have known as well and kept it from her, she would be even angrier. “Eris, Nesta doesn’t trust easily. You should have told her this the second you got the idea in your head. Now she’s going to be pissed at both of us.”

“She’s not pissed at you, my dear.” Eris gently stroked your hand with his thumb, the movement so small it was almost undetectable. “Give her a few hours to process. Then we can all sit down and figure out what to do next, okay? Now rest for a bit longer, you need to get your strength back.”

You nodded, heart aching at the image of Nesta storming out of the room. Laying back, you settled back into the plush bedding, wishing it would swallow you up whole. Eris reached down and pulled the duvet closer to you, gently tucking you in. “Sleep well, darling.” He whispered. Before you could process it, Eris leaned forward and pressed a kiss to your forehead. Your skin tingled at the sensation, still feeling like it was slowly thawing from the cold of the dungeon. 

There was so much more you wanted to say, a thousand questions you wanted to ask Eris, but the prince retreated as quickly as he came leaving you to sleep. Your eyes fluttered shut as you drifted off again, heart aching at the absence of Nesta’s presence.

 *********************

A few hours later, you smoothed your hands over the skirts of the dress Eris’s servants had laid out for you. It was a rich brown colour with a square neckline and loose sleeves -- elegant, yet comfortable. You had no clue where Eris had been pulling this wardrobe from, but that was besides the point. Grogginess continued to plague you, although less so than before. Even with your fae healing, it would take a while for you to return to your full strength – something you had Rhysand to thank for.

Your hands curled into fists, nails scraping through your palms as you thought of the High Lord of the Night Court. A sick feeling curled in your gut as you recalled his smug face as he sent his dark powers slicing through your skin. Every time you closed your eyes, you were back in that dungeon, chained up and helpless against the male. You hated it, hated him. You hated how much his slimy face crossed your mind, how the faint scars along your wrists would never truly fade. Your mind flashed with memories of riding atop Zorzimril, burning down Rhys and Feyre’s many castles, the orange flames lighting up the night sky as you burned and burned them. You’d be lying if you said that didn’t make you feel better.

Shaking your head as if to push memories of Rhysand out of your mind, you wandered towards the door on unsteady legs. As the door swung open, you were greeted with a long hallway lined with elegant torches. You looked back and forth, unsure which way to go. You didn’t even know Eris had this residence, let alone how to navigate it. But then you felt something, a slight pull deep inside of you that urged you to go left. Aimlessly, you followed it, wandering down the hallway before coming to a beautiful wooden arch that marked the entryway into the living room. In awe, you scanned the space before you. A series of couches and armchairs were placed around the room, some by a fireplace and some by the high bookshelf that stretched all the way to the ceiling. It was decorated in rich autumnal colours, the scent of cinnamon and apple cider filling the air. It had a modest dining table and three chairs, and a set of doors that seemingly led to a pathway outside.

Nesta and Eris occupied two of the chairs, sitting across from each other in silence. Eris was humming quietly, writing something down on a piece of parchment. His red hair looked more orange in the candlelight, and was braided loosely. Nesta sat stoically, staring into nothing. She had a cup of tea in front of her, but no steam emitted from it. Clearly she had been there a while, tea untouched. Her face was grave, but her head whipped to face you as you stepped through the archway.

You wanted to throw up with nerves. You had always been able to read Nesta’s expressions until now. Her face was contorted with a mix of emotions, passing so quickly between each one it was impossible to tell what they were. My mate, my mate, my mate, rang like a war bell in your head so loud it threatened to drown out any sounds from the outside world. You felt the bond in your chest swell in her presence, stronger than anything you’d felt before. There was no denying it – Nesta was your mate.

“May I join you?” You finally managed to ask through a dry throat. Nesta said nothing and just kept staring at you.

“By all means,” Eris piped up, setting his pen down. “Come join the party. We’re having a grand old time here, aren’t we, Nesta?”

You expected Nesta to roll her eyes or snap at him in that playful manner, but it was as if she didn’t even hear Eris. She just kept looking at you as if she wasn’t sure if you were really there. You carefully walked over, taking a seat between Nesta and Eris at the head of the table where the remaining chair was. Her grey gaze followed you the whole way.

“What have you guys been up to while I was out?” You asked.

Eris sighed. “Well, my dear, I informed Nesta of what I began to suspect regarding the bond. She tore me a new one for not telling her, it was very dramatic. So now we’re sitting in silence trying to figure out how to address the elephant in the room.”

You didn’t say anything, just stared at the lines in the wood of the table. You felt frozen – afraid of saying the wrong thing. Nesta had never wanted to be fae, and you knew having a mating bond must make that worse for her. It would make her even more shackled to this life she didn’t want, chipping away at her remaining humanity piece by piece. Sure, you and Nesta had kissed a few times and there was feeling behind it, but that didn’t mean she wanted you as a life partner. And even with that, Estelle had said Nesta had multiple mates. If Cassian was not one of them, then who was? 

Eris’s sigh broke your thoughts. “By the Mother, you two are stubborn.” He huffed. “Let’s look at the facts, shall we? Nesta, (Y/N), you are mates. I suspected it a few days after I found out about the spell you two cast, as it needed an already existing bond to latch onto in order to work. But then things get complicated. Somehow, Rhys is wrong about Cassian being Nesta’s mate. Either they’re the best actors I’ve seen, or there is something linking Nesta and Cassian.”

You saw Nesta’s throat bob at the mention of Cassian. Trying to figure out how he was connected to Nesta hurt your brain. 

“I felt something with Cassian,” Nesta said tensely. “Not in that way, but I could feel what he felt as if part of him lived within me. How is that not a mating bond?”

The prince shrugged. “I have no idea, honestly. There’s something strange going on there. However, none of that matters until we deal with my father. I am set to marry Nesta, which puts us in an awkward situation. If Nesta pleases my father with her powers, then she is to be wed to me.”

“When is that supposed to be happening?” You asked. You weren’t sure how you felt about Eris and Nesta getting married. Part of you was jealous, resentful at the idea of Nesta marrying someone else. But there was another part of you that felt differently in a way you couldn’t explain. Like you were being left out not just from Nesta’s life, but Eris’s too.

“Tonight.” Eris said gravely.

Your blood froze. “Tonight?”

“Yes. And no offence my dear, but you complicate things. Because now I have to explain to my father why you are here too and why I keep letting in strays.”

You snorted. “Beron’s going to kill me. I think you already pissed him off by letting Nesta in here without his permission. I’m not even half as valuable to him as she is, we both know he won’t have any use for me.”

“I won’t let that happen.” Nesta finally spoke, her voice fierce. You turned to face her and were met with her silver eyes. They stared into you, swimming with a thousand emotions.

“Whatever happens, Beron won’t touch you.” She continued evenly.

“We just have to play the angle right.” Eris said, crossing his arms and resting his elbows on the table. “You spied for Rhysand, correct?”

You scoffed. “Well, technically–”

“Yes, you did.” Eris interrupted sternly. “You spied for Rhysand, and then you found out what he was planning and tried to flee. He’s been hunting you down, and I found you at the Autumn Court border. That is the story we are going with.”

“What exactly did I find out that made me flee?”

“That he’s planning on becoming High King with Nesta’s Made sword.”

“Beron won’t believe that.”

“He will because it’s true.”

Your heart fell into your stomach. “What?” You spoke in a whisper, mind reeling in shock. The thought of Rhysand using Nesta’s weapons and declaring himself as High King over all of Prythian made you want to throw up.

“Based on my intel, the lovely Amren has been trying to convince him to go down that path.” Eris explained through gritted teeth. “Apparently he refused at first, but I strongly believe that with you and Nesta both having fled his grasp, he will reconsider his stance to get you back under his control.”

“If Rhysand was High King then he’d have dominion over the Autumn Court,” You muttered. “We would be right back where we started.”

Eris nodded. “But we can use this. My father would do anything to make sure that didn’t happen, overlook anything. If you inform him of Rhysand’s plans, he’ll want you on his side for more intel.”

“Would Beron really be so quick to trust someone who’s supposedly betraying their own court?”

“My dear, Rhysand locked you in a dungeon. That part we don’t have to lie about. We just have to twist the reasons why he locked you up. But truthfully, I think my father will be so distracted by the intel he won’t care about anything else.”

You chewed on your lower lip with worry. It was a big gamble, and while Eris was clever Beron was still unpredictable. So many things could go wrong so fast, and the last thing you wanted was to end up in another dungeon. The thought of doing so made you want to curl up into a ball.

As if sensing your discomfort, Nesta placed her hand on top of yours. It was warm, such a difference from how frail and cold her hands were in the Night Court. “It’ll be ok.” She murmured. 

You smiled softly, relaxing instantly under her touch. 

“And that’s my cue,” Eris announced, gathering his papers and standing up. “I suspect you two have much to discuss alone. I must go ensure everything is prepared for dinner with my father tonight. I’ve left instructions with the servants on how to get you ready, and I will be by to collect you both at five o’clock.”

He strode towards the archway, but paused briefly. Amber eyes landed on you and Nesta again, all playfulness gone. “I have done my part, and will do whatever I can to ensure your safety.” He said gravely. “But do not forget that you both have roles to play, and we all risk our heads if you fail to do so. And if you have any thoughts about betraying me to save your own skin, Beron will no longer be the one you need to fear from my family. I will throw you both to the wolves without hesitation if you think about dragging me down with you.”

With that, the prince left, leaving you and Nesta sitting in silence. Eris’s words stung you a bit, that he thought you would even think about betraying him. But Eris had been playing this song and dance with his father for centuries, and at the end of the day no matter how much he’d helped you, he’d always look out for himself. It was something you were aware of when you planned this, and you mentally kicked yourself for ignoring it.

The few minutes after Eris’s departure were filled with silence. No birds chirped in the windowsill, no breeze rustled the branches. It was as if the world had stopped, waiting on the edge of its seat for you and Nesta to speak. 

Truthfully, you had no idea what to say. How could you comprehend what Nesta felt when you didn’t even know how you truly felt? A part of you had always loved Nesta, but were those your true feelings or just the mating bond? All those tender moments, the stolen kisses, the soft touches, would they have happened if the mating bond wasn’t already there? The thought of your connection with Nesta stemming from magic rather than your true feelings made your heart hurt. You had never wanted a mating bond, yet here you were.

Finally after what seemed like an eternity, you found the courage to speak. “What’s going on in that head of yours, Nesta?”

Nesta took a deep breath, fiddling with her fingers for a minute before answering. “How a few weeks ago I was ready to burn down the entire Night Court to get you back. How every second you were in that dungeon I was here, living comfortably. How every time I closed my eyes I saw glimpses of darkness, how I felt your fear. How all that time, I thought it was the spell allowing me to feel those things. I never could have imagined…”

Her voice trailed off, as if she was afraid to even speak about the bond. “Me too,” You replied. “Look, I know things are hard for us right now. And you don’t have to accept the bond if you don’t want–”

Nesta sharply cut you off. “I didn’t say I didn’t want to accept it. I just don’t know what to believe right now. Estelle said Cassian wasn’t one of my mates, but I swear I felt a bond. Was she wrong about that? And does that mean she was wrong about us?”

“I can’t speak for Cassian, but I don’t think she was wrong about us. And I think you know it too, Nesta.”

Nesta looked up at you, grey eyes brimming with emotion. You felt a gentle tug at the bond and inhaled sharply. She smiled softly at your reaction, confirming everything she needed to know.

“Nesta…” You breathed her name like a prayer on your lips. Tears filled your eyes as you admired that tender smile.

“I’m sorry for running off on you earlier.” She said quietly. “I just… I didn’t expect it. But the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. You, being my mate. After everything that happened between us…”

You sniffled, trying to hold back more tears. “But was all of it real? I mean, if we were mated the whole time, did everything happen between us because of the bond, or because of us?”

Nesta blinked slowly. “It was real to me.”

“Me too.”

You stroked Nesta’s wrist with your thumb, rubbing it in circular motions. You felt like you were going to explode, feeling everything both you and Nesta were experiencing at once. All you wanted to do was sit here and stare at your beautiful mate, forgetting about everything else. To let the rest of the world fall away beneath your feet as long as you could stay in this moment forever.

But realistically, you knew you had to face the challenges. “What about Eris?” You asked quietly. “You’re supposed to marry him, where does that put us?”

The Archeron sister bit her lip anxiously. “I don’t know. I’m sure Eris and I will be free to see whomever we wish as long as we are discreet and are able to maintain our image.”

You laughed humourlessly. “So then I’d become your mistress.”

“That’s not what I want for either of us. But I don’t see another way right now.”

You tried not to let it sting. You weren’t stupid – Eris marrying Nesta was necessary in your plan, but that didn’t make it any easier. Especially now that you two were mated. The thought of simply being your mate's secret mistress made you feel slimy and ashamed. “How do you feel about marrying Eris?” You asked tentatively.

Nesta shrugged, but a faint red stained her cheeks. “It’s a smart move. It makes sense. And he’s not the worst male I’ve met so I think I’ll live.”

You chuckled, causing Nesta to glare at you. “Your face is red, Nesta. Admit it, you like him.”

“I don’t. He’s insufferable.” Nesta’s face only grew redder as she looked away.

Your laugh only grew louder. “Liar.”

“Fine!” Nesta snapped. “I’ve spent a lot of time with him in the last few weeks and he’s grown on me, ok? Does it not bother you as my mate for me to admit I like him? It feels wrong. I’m mated to you, not him.”

“No.” You answered honestly, which surprised you. “It doesn’t bother me. He’s charming. Besides, I’ve had a crush on him since I was like twenty, so…”

Your voice trailed off with embarrassment as you realised what you had just admitted. You had never told anyone about your crush on Eris, and had been determined to die with this secret. Your face went red, and Nesta burst out laughing. 

“Look whose face is red now?” She teased.

“Shut up.” You mumbled, burying your face in your hands. “If you ever tell him I said that I’ll strangle you.”

Nesta snorted. “Oh, please. He’s Eris. He probably already knows.”

You groaned, banging your head into the wood of the table a few times. It was strange and yet comforting to know that Nesta liked Eris. You expected a mately surge of jealousy and possessiveness, but none came. 

After a few more minutes of laughter, a comfortable silence took over the room before you each chose a book from the shelf and began to read. The hours began to pass by, and you stared at Nesta as she flipped through the pages, how beautiful she was with the autumn glow upon her. You wanted to memorise every inch of her features before the dinner with Beron tonight, the thought of which made your gut churn.

It was a quarter to five when the shuffled footsteps of four servants came into the room. It was time to prepare.

taglist (comment if you want to be added): @queercontrarian @kitkat-writes-stuff @moonfawnx @sevikas-whore @weird-and-wise @jemandderkeinenusernamenfindet @kingshitonly @ladyofcherries @eerievixen @readingwritingwatching @peacecoffeeandflowers @a-frog-with-a-laptop @shadowqueen25 @lana08 @highladyofillyria @rachelnicolee @ladespedidas @little-darlingo @manonblackbeakquidditchteam13 @demirunner @terorovaerangi @hauntedandhopeful  @younxii @microwaveallthedemons @fanfictioniseverything @lovra974 @maddietheshoe @peaceandcrackers @emy1-9 @lostinfantasyworldsbi @issybee0611 @thoughtfulshepherdmongerkid @belledawnidk @whhyyynottt @dream-alittlebiggerdarling @littlebbb @piceous21 @sevendeadlyshins-blog @searchingford  @marigold-morelli @thesapphiclibrarian @nikovasbitch @chasing-autumns-chill @

[ateez-himari]

[240823] MORNING BREEZE

[NEW UPLOAD FROMM HIMARI]

[AM 7:31] good morning atiny, please enjoy this sighting of my angel being sleepy...i did her hair, it looks nice right ? - mingi

[AM 7:31] ㅋㅋㅋ it looks this soft because i brushed it for two whole minutes, it just felt so nice - mingi

[AM 7:31] You're right it's too early to be awake on a day off 😴 But it's because I went to see my parents and I like going early when no one is there yet, plus I wanted to see them before leaving. The other members wanted to come too so everyone's having breakfast together

[AM 7:32] Ah no, my biological parents. The cemetery their tombs are in is pretty far so we had to travel there by train, we also bought incense on the way

[AM 7:32] I usually like being alone with them unless it's a special occasion, since I don't get to come by very often. Today I was happy they came to say hi though, Yunho oppa even prayed with me, then I prayed alone

[AM 7:33] I wouldn't say I'm religious, I do have spiritual beliefs because my mom followed the Shinto religion, my dad was atheist though but he would often take part in rituals and pray with her

[AM 7:34] I value protection a lot. Actually I have a bracelet that I wear all the time, Hanzo nii-chan made it for me out of pieces from a stone tower he built to pray for my health. Apparently Jungkook oppa came to visit to pray too

[AM 7:35] ㅎㅎ no I don't call my biological brother 'oppa'. When we moved to Korea my mom wanted us to keep our Japanese heritage so I use that honorific instead. That's why neither of us changed our names after getting adopted

[AM 7:35] Ooh, babytinys, that's exciting! I do have a Korean name, it's Hayun, my dad gave it to me a few days after I was born. Both of my names have similar meanings actually. Himari can be read as 'sunflower' or 'ball of light' and Hayun means sunlight! It's pretty cool

[AM 7:36] ㅎㅎ Jongho oppa wants to make sure everyone knows he says hi, he said to look forward to his update because he's gonna post picture of us

[AM 7:37] Oh the festival ? Please don't worry about that, it was just really hot so performing was hard, but I'm alright. I've been a little reckless with my health lately but our captain is watching over me closely now

[AM 7:37] Yeah, I have supplements, Seonghwa oppa got me a cute case for them. We also have a doctor with us at all times so if anything happens we'll be taken care of right away so don't focus on that too much!

[AM 7:38] Hmm I'm not sure...I have a dinner date tonight but we don't have any plans in between. I might go buy some more art supplies, Hyunjin oppa found a new store last time he came here

[AM 7:38] Here, these are the pieces I've worked on recently (I finished the second one yesterday after the fan meeting)

[AM 7:39] These ones were made with markers actually! I usually use ink but since we've been travelling lately, it's complicated to transport it without spilling

[AM 7:40] I promise I'll tell you more later, but Sannie oppa just came back from the washroom so we're off to eat now!

[AM 7:40] ㅎㅎNo we haven't had breakfast, we just came to this shop for coffee because Momo unnie recommended it, she texted it to me yesterday!

[AM 7:40] Oops, I really have to go now, Hongjoong oppa's grumbling about being hungry (as usual ㅎㅎㅎ) ♡ Love you so much, kisses!

[bonefall]

I love clanmew so much because it's given me new ways to refer to things irl

I use clanmew a lot in my head because it gives me a way to put things into words in ways english doesn't

Like,,, for example I like to refer to a certain family member I don't like as wi/wees because she talks a lot of smack but can't back it up

Or the fact that its praa that my partner and I met and were able to find a way to live together

Thank u for creating this conlang, it's awesome

I would talk more on this but its 7 am where I am and I've been awake since yesterday lol

I'm glad it's useful in that way!

It's always so much fun when there's little quirks that can't be translated between languages. It's so funny that Prra in particular has gotten so much mileage! Like, wow!

Thanks for the compliment <3

[magicaldragons]

AHH REY I LOVE YOUR FICS ARE WE GETTING ANY NEW ONES SOON?

(before i say anything love, i'm so glad you like what's out there so far :' really keeps me goin)

babe, let me be honest, i'm this (🤏🏼) close to announcing a meeting where: i provide snacks, we all sit at a round table, and i proceed to narrate each story i have – in its entirety and with great detail, because the actual writing will take some time lmao

honestly though, i've been juggling a lot – shit's gone 100 to -23 super fast, as i type this in fact i'm running on very little sleep, i've been awake since 7 am yesterday (and it is currently 6pm where i am lmaooo)

i see myself being completely swamped with things for a bit longer, but i'm jotting down sentences and dialogues for my fics whenever i find time

there is definitely more coming, and i will try to get it out there quicker, but unfortunately i cannot guarantee exactly when, (officially, my schedule clears up a bit in september ;-;) but know that varadeva has me in a chokehold, and i don't see this obsession going away anytime soon lol x.X

[thatuselesshuman]

Oc Questionnaire Tag

I'm bored as hell so stealing an open tag from @the-golden-comet for a monster of a Questionnaire

Your Questions:

Pick 3

Uh so Zero's gonna yap today since I formally introduced him yesterday

1. Five Things that make you happy?

"Hmm, I guess I like a nice sweet date, soft blankets, and music. Running is also nice, since I can run for hours and pass the time. What could the fifth thing be... Oh, Five is nice as well. He, for whatever reason, likes to drag me to whatever new bar he found in the city. "

2. If you could save just one other person who would it be?

"Five. He's the only one who makes an effort to talk to me, whether I want him to or not."

3. Tell us one of your funniest jokes.

"I don't tell jokes like that. Mine are mostly passing quips. The actual jokes are Five's job."

4. Where would you like to visit?

"I think the mountains east of Selim would be nice. I've never been out of the country except for missions, and the mission where I leave the country are few and far between. When I do leave, it's usually to converse with our ally."

5. When do you usually go to sleep?

"Whenever I have the time allowance. Sometimes I go days without sleep."

6. Are you a jealous person?

"Not usually."

7. Have you committed a crime?

"I like to say that my existence is a human rights violation, so..."

8. Do you have a chore you absolutely hate?

"Cleaning up blood. It gets everywhere and stains everything. What's worse is that I can just barely sense the blood, so I never clean it correctly."

9. Tell me an embarrassing childhood story.

"I was sitting in the park with my brother when we were young and I suppose it looked like I was staring into the distance. Well, some lady thought I was staring at her... assets. She stomped over to me and berated me before slapping me across the face for 'lack of manners'. She didn't listen to me when I tried to explain to her that I'm blind."

10. Are you a good person?

"No. I've killed hundreds of thousands of people. My fiancé's parents were killed in war. If she were to see me today, she'd be ashamed to have ever known me."

11. What's the worst thing you've ever done?

"I was raiding an army base and was instructed to kill everyone in sight. The raid was going well, but I then stumbled uopn a room full of children. I killed most of them in their sleep, nice and quick, but one of them was awake and cowering in the corner. For some reason, I couldn't bare to kill her too. I gave her one of my knives and told her to run, and if she ever saw me again, to kill me with that knife."

12. Do you regret it?

"Yes. What I did was not a mercy. She will forever live haunted by what I did instead of in the afterlife with her loved ones. I gave her the painful way out instead of the easy way."

13. What's the quickest way to make you laugh?

"A mirror. My existence is the world's funniest joke."

14. What is your favorite song right now?

"I'm not sure, but what I am sure of is that whatever the Trainees are singing at the top of their lungs in the middle of the night sounds terrible. I'm better off giving them a good scare to make them piss themselves so they don't sleep deprive the rest of the Trainees the rest of their lives."

15. Do you sometimes wish to be someone else?

"Occasionally, but that would mean someone would have to be me. No one deserves to have blood on their hands for atrocities they didn't commit."

16. Do you push forward or take time to rest?

"Most of the time I'm not allowed to rest. I can go longer without necessities such as food, water, and sleep, so the General uses that precious time for more missions. I think I get a week or so off every couple of months. Though, now I'm recovering from an injury so I'm training the Trainees."

17. If you had to pick an item of clothing or an accessory to wear for the rest of your life, what would it be?

"My mask. I've already been wearing it for 600 years straight, what's a few more?"

18. What is your favorite drink?

"Five orders me this thing called a 'virgin' Blue Nightlock whenever we go out. I'm not sure what that means, but he swears it doesn't have alcohol in it. It tastes like a blackberry soda."

19. If you were forced to forget one memory, what would you choose?

"Asking my fiancé to marry me. I wish I could forget her entirely."

20. What is a positive thing your worst enemy would say about you?

"I'm the strongest adversary they'll ever face, even if I'm on the tightest leash on the continent."

Wow, that took a while!

@moltenwrites @willtheweaver @wyked-ao3 @katenewmanwrites @agirlandherquill +open tag

[gwenbrightly]

The Sea Calls Me Home (pt 7)

A chapter that has been hiding in my google docs for far too long... Enjoy?!

Nya drifts awake to the distant sound of voices.

"Ten bucks says Lloyd just dreamt it all," one says. Nya lays there,  eyes still shut. 

"You're on," another replies. The voices sound familiar. Shifting positions, Nya  finds herself oddly dry. Almost as though she isn't at the bottom of the ocean. Is she dreaming?

"I'm telling you. She's really here!" A third voice insists, closer than before. More awake now, Nya opens her eyes. "I'm.. home?" she whispers to herself, sitting up. Yesterday's events come flooding back to her. The intensity of breaking free from the water. The ride to the monastery with Nyad. Finally seeing her family again, safely tucked into bed. 

Her room looks exactly how she left it. Nya soaks in the familiarity, finding it energizing. The sunlight streaming through the window feels so good on her skin.

"It seems someone has finally noticed your arrival," Nyad comments as Lloyd comes flying into the bedroom like a child on Christmas morning.

"Lloyd!" cries Nya, sweeping him into a hug. She's pretty sure they're both crying within seconds, but she's certainly not going to be the one to point it out. It's been so long. Too long.

"I've missed you so much," Lloyd mumbles. He returns the hug so fiercely, Nya wonders if she'll need a crowbar to remove him. In the background, she's pretty sure she hears Cole curse. Looking over at him, Nya sees him pass something to her brother, who looks just a bit too self satisfied.

"It's not what it looks like," Kai blurts, seeing her expression. 

"As if I'd ever believe that," Nya laughs, "now get over here."

She drags both Kai and Cole into the hug, marveling at how good it feels to be near them again.

Pixal and Zane join them a short while later.

"I saw you on the Samurai X security footage this morning," Pixal explains.

"It's a very good thing we never changed any of your passwords," Zane adds. 

"I don't know if you meant to do that or not, but I'm glad you didn't." Nya gives them both a hug.

"We had made the choice to honor the legacy of the original Samurai X in your absence," Pixal explains with a smile. 

"Well, thank you," Nya says, returning the smile gratefully, "Oh! It's so good to see all of you again!"

"And I am very glad to finally meet the master of water's friends. She speaks quite highly of you all," Nyad cuts in. The others stare, as if only just noticing her presence. 

"Nyad, I presume?" Zane inquires. Nyad nods, giving a little bow. 

"Indeed I am," 

"I would never have made it out of the ocean without her-" Nya starts. There's so much to tell everyone. And so much to catch up on. 

Just then, another figure appears in the doorway. For a moment, all is quiet. 

"Jay!" Nya exclaims, moving to greet him. But he looks less than enthusiastic about her presence. 

"Oh, no. I'm not doing this right now," he says coldly. And just like that, he's gone. Nya stares after him in shock. 

"Are you sure this Jay is worth all the praise I have had to listen to when you speak of him?" Nyad asks, looking equally shocked and a little unimpressed. 

"I-I," Nya's not sure what to say. It hadn't crossed her mind that her boyfriend might not be happy to see her. She blinks, her eyes suddenly wet. 

"So, um, you guys look pretty busy with… whatever this is," a voice interjects, rescuing Nya from having to say anything coherent, "but since all we had to eat for dinner last night was wedding cake samples, I was thinking I'd make some pancakes, if anyone else wants some?" 

"Skye," Kai greets awkwardly. At the same time, Skylor continues, "Wait - Nya - you're back?" 

"Um… yes?" Nya replies, still reeling from Jay's unexpected outburst. 

"Welcome home! I had a feeling you'd turn up sooner or later," Skylor says with a wink. She gives Nya a quick hug. "You've definitely been missed, here."

"Just a little bit, though. It's not like we were worried you were never coming back or anything," Lloyd snorts. Nya flinches. 

"I know. I'm sorry."

"And on that note, I think I'm gonna go punch Jay for you, Nya. See you at breakfast?" Cole comments, heading for the door. Skylor frowns at this. 

"I take it Jay's being emo again?" 

Again? Nya wonders. 

"You could say that," Lloyd answers for her. 

"Pancakes would be great," Kai tells Skylor, kissing her cheek. "Why don't you guys go ahead and get started, and Nya and I will be down in a few to help."

"Sure thing," Lloyd says, "but you'd better not keep her too long. The rest of us wanna catch up too."

As the others, including Nyad (who mentioned wondering what a modern kitchen looked like), trail out of her room, Nya sinks back into her bed. 

"Give it to me straight, Kai. How bad is it?" she asks. 

"Well, in the history of bad things, you being gone for six months isn't the worst thing that could've happened," Kai comments, seating himself beside her. 

Nya puts her head in her hands. "Six months?" she mumbles. "No wonder Jay hates me…"

Kai puts a hand on her shoulder. "I don't think he hates you. He's just… he's gonna need some time to forgive you. Even if you didn't mean to disappear like that."

"I guess I can't really blame him for being mad at me…" Nya sighs and glances at her brother. "I mean, I remember what it was like when we lost Zane - how much that hurt. And I'm Jay's girlfriend. At least I was. I'm sure that made it even worse for him."

"I won't lie, we were all upset and worried. And maybe a little bit angry at times. But Jay? I don't think I've ever seen him act like he did… And that's saying something, because we've both seen him react poorly to stuff." Kai states. Nya nods. Unlike the rest of her family, she hasn't forgotten the time Jay tried to use a djinn to win her back. It didn't go well. 

"But this was something else. For the first few weeks after you disappeared, he would spend hours down on the beach just staring. Then, when we started worrying about him being down there all by himself all the time, he started bringing the sea back with him instead. He had jars of seawater in his room and he talked to them like you could somehow hear him."

“Oh.” Nya has no idea what to say. 

“Yeah… it was pretty weird. But then one day he lost it. He dumped all the water down the toilet and threw the jars off the monastery roof. After that he was just… Quiet. Quiet and angry. None of us could figure out what had changed.”

Poor Jay. He must have given up on her completely. And Nya kinda deserves it. She got to drift through the past 6 months without thinking or remembering enough to feel anything. Jay had to live through it all with every human emotion, every memory. Every bit of hurt and doubt. 

“Ugh… What a mess,” she moans, half wondering if she should have just stayed in the ocean. 

“You can say that again,” Kai agrees unhelpfully. Seeing the look of misery on her face, he adds, “Listen, Nya. Jay will get over himself eventually, and you saw how excited everyone else was to see you. Don't let a little awkwardness get to you. I'm sure once we've all had a chance to readjust, things will be back to normal in no time.”

“I guess you're right,” Nya says reluctantly. Hopefully with time and lots of apologies, she could make things up to everyone. 

“Of course I am,” Kai tells her, “Now let's go get some breakfast before Lloyd pours syrup in my bed for holding you hostage.”

“Yeah… that's probably a good idea.” Nya pushes herself up from the bed. Kai joins her, and together, they head down the hallway. They've almost arrived at the kitchen when something occurs to Nya. “Hey Kai?”

“Yeah?” 

“Skylor mentioned wedding cake samples… Anything you wanna tell me?” Nya asks. Kai freezes. 

“Oh. Uh. About that…” he begins awkwardly. 

“Congratulations, Kai,” she tells him, finally smiling again. 

[kipog]

"Did you mean it?"

an Emily is Away fan fiction written by Kipog

Mat x OC

--

• 1/7/20 • Wednesday • 10.57 am •

--

Matthew7: dudeee

ColdWeather: yes?

Matthew7: I'm actually gonna die like NOW

ColdWeather: and why is that?

Matthew7: college starts in like a month ugh

ColdWeather: I'm well aware

Matthew7: it sucks that we won't be going to the same school anymore :/

ColdWeather: yeah, it'll suck but I'm sure that we can find some time to hang out right?

Matthew7: yeah I guess ://

ColdWeather: hey cheer up man, wanna hop on some r6?

Matthew7: always >:)

--

• 30/7/20 • Thursday • 6.08 pm •

--

Matthew7: SAGE

ColdWeather: yeah? why are we yelling lmao

Matthew7: college is starting in like 4 days!!!!

ColdWeather: yep, I've started to pack my stuff for it, you've started too right?

Matthew7: ...

Matthew7: anyways, we should hang out! this could be our last hang out ever man

ColdWeather: oh don't be so dramatic, we'll hang out during college too

Matthew7: I know but I still wanna hang out before it starts :/

ColdWeather: I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel the same

Matthew7: we can get absolutely fucking wastedd on my roof tonight!!!!

ColdWeather: that's one hell of a way to hang out

Matthew7: It's the last day we can hang out before break ends! gotta go off with a bang

Matthew7: so youre coming right??

ColdWeather: yeah yeah yeah I'll be there by 9

Matthew7: hell yes!!!! I'll see you there!!

ColdWeather: see yaaa

Matthew7 is offline

ColdWeather is offline

--

• 18/8/20 • Tuesday • 4.46 pm •

--

Matthew7: hey

ColdWeather: yo

Matthew7: soo hows college treating you?

ColdWeather: it's been treating me alright i guess, what about you?

Matthew7: its been super boring ngl ://

Matthew7: make any new friends yet?

ColdWeather: I think so, her name is Casey, she knows how to skate and stuff which is pretty cool

Matthew7: oh thats nice

Matthew7: the people in my class are kinda snobbish so its been kinda tough for me

ColdWeather: oof sorry to hear man

ColdWeather: oh wait I gotta go, I have a group project thing at like 5 ish

Matthew7: oh uh alright, have fun man

ColdWeather: yeah you too

ColdWeather is offline

--

• 5/9/20 • Saturday • 3.08 am •

--

Matthew7: hey

Matthew7: I know you're probably not awake right now

Matthew7: sorry for missing your birthday yesterday, I was really busy with school stuff and I literally just finished some homework

Matthew7: I actually wanted to surprise you by going to your school

Matthew7: happy belated birthday man

ColdWeather: mat?

Matthew7: holy shit, you're awake?

ColdWeather: haha yeag I went ouf for somee drinjs wit casee and her boyfreind

ColdWeather: her boyfriend is soooo preeyty

Matthew7: sounds like you had fun

ColdWeather: yea yeah I didd

ColdWeather: bbut I donno

ColdWeather: I wanted yyou to be here but you wenrnt

ColdWeather: and I kept thijnkinf about you :(((

Matthew7: you were?

ColdWeather: yeah!! caasye broght me back when I starrted crying about howw you wernt here :((

Matthew7 is typing...

Matthew7 is deleting...

Matthew7: hey, are you free later?

ColdWeather: yyeah probabbly

Matthew7: I'm gonna visit you since you're a little crybaby who needs to be taken care of

ColdWeather: aawwh youre coming??

Matthew7: you probably won't even remember that I said any of this

ColdWeather: hghhhhhhhhhjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj

Matthew7: oh my god you fell asleep didn't you

Matthew7: wow.

Matthew7: thats fine, you need the rest anyway

Matthew7: goodnight sage

Matthew7 is offline

[ 7.45 pm ]

ColdWeather: hey

Matthew7: yoo

ColdWeather: thanks for taking care of my hungover ass today

Matthew7: dude, if not me then who else?

ColdWeather: honestly true

ColdWeather: it was kind of weird hanging out with you and casey today

Matthew7: whys that?

ColdWeather: I don't know, like, hanging out with an old friend and a new friend was pretty trippy for me

Matthew7: yeah I can see why u'd think that :p

Matthew7: oh wait did you see my gift yet?

ColdWeather: gift?

Matthew7: I left it under your blanket looll

ColdWeather: let me check

ColdWeather: a bracelet?

Matthew7: yeah, i know youre not really a jewelry guy but idk, figured you needed some type of bling :P

ColdWeather: it has my initials on it too! dude I'm gonna wear this like everyday now

Matthew7 is typing...

Matthew7 is deleting...

Matthew7: yeah you better, I spent good money on it

Matthew7: I uh, wanted to ask you something too if thats cool

ColdWeather: yeah sure go ahead

Matthew7 is typing...

Matthew7 is deleting...

Matthew7: is it true you actually cried on your birthday cause i wasn't there?

ColdWeather: shiiiiit

ColdWeather: did casey tell you?

Matthew7: bitch you're the one who told me

ColdWeather: wait what?

ColdWeather: holy shit i did

ColdWeather: okay yeah, I'll own up to it, I cried because I kinda missed you

Matthew7: "kinda"

ColdWeather: shut up

Matthew7: well im glad we hung out today

Matthew7: you probably would've bawled your eyes out if I didn't show

ColdWeather: oh my god shut it already

Matthew7 is typing...

Matthew7 is deleting...

Matthew7: okay I gotta go, I have to do some stuff now

ColdWeather: oh, okay, good luck with that

Matthew7: see ya

Matthew7 is offline

--

• 30/9/20 • Wednesday • 11.29 pm •

--

Matthew7: sage

ColdWeather: mat

Matthew7: woah, wasn't expecting you to be awake

ColdWeather: I was actually gonna go to bed soon

Matthew7: man shut up

Matthew7: what are you doing up so late anyway?

ColdWeather: studying.

Matthew7: riiight, exams are in like a month

Matthew7: its literally just midyears tho

ColdWeather: still need to study for them, you should too

ColdWeather: why are you texting me this late by the way

Matthew7: I wanted to ask you something

ColdWeather: you can ask me tomorrow, go to sleep dude

Matthew7 is typing...

Matthew7 is deleting...

Matthew7: yeah youre probably right, I kinda forgot the question anyway lool

ColdWeather: typical mat

ColdWeather: night

Matthew7: yeah, night

Matthew7 is offline

ColdWeather is offline

--

• 24/10/20 • Saturday • 1.24 pm •

--

Matthew7: sage sage sage

ColdWeather: good afternoon to you too

Matthew7: got any cool parties youre going to for halloween??

ColdWeather: I'm like 95% sure that I'll be boxed up in my dorm studying until I die on halloween night

Matthew7: oh c'monnnnn youve worked hard enough! lets go party!!

ColdWeather: mat, as much as i would love to party, I can't. midyears are literally next month

Matthew7: dude

Matthew7: please?

Matthew7: like, I know how hard you've been working and I dunno, I thought a party might take some stress off of you

ColdWeather is typing...

ColdWeather is deleting...

ColdWeather: dammit mat

ColdWeather: you got any parties in mind?

Matthew7: hell yeah I do!!

Matthew7: there's gonna be a huge house party that some kid from my class is throwing

Matthew7: apparently its gonna be at a mansion??

ColdWeather: okay, that does sound pretty sick

Matthew7: right???

ColdWeather: send me the details

Matthew7: it'll be at thomson road street 43 at 8 pm but I'll pick you up so you don't have to worry about a ride B)

ColdWeather: oh okay, thanks man

ColdWeather: wait, do I have to dress up?

Matthew7: well duh, dude it's a halloween party

ColdWeather: uugh I'll need to think of a costume idea then

Matthew7: well in case you wanna match, I'm totally going as green lantern

ColdWeather: I am not surprised in the slightest

Matthew7: well it's not as predicable as batman so I'm pretty satisfied with my choice B)

ColdWeather: I'll probably go as the flash then

Matthew7: that would be dope as hellllll

ColdWeather: while you're here btw, you wanna hop on a game?

Matthew7: holy shit, we haven't played in like forever

ColdWeather: so are you down?

Matthew7: dude always

Matthew7: modern warfare?

ColdWeather: hell yes

--

• 1/11/20 • Sunday • 8.45 am •

--

ColdWeather: mat

ColdWeather: can we talk about last night?

[ 2.31 pm ]

ColdWeather: mat please

ColdWeather: are you okay?

[ 7.19 pm ]

ColdWeather: matthew please say something

ColdWeather: anything?

[ 9.50 pm ]

ColdWeather: do you not want to be friends anymore? is that it?

--

• 2/11/20 • Monday • 12.13 am •

--

Matthew7: I'm sorry

Matthew7: I'm really sorry sage

ColdWeather: oh my god you're alive, are you okay?

Matthew7 is typing...

Matthew7 is deleting...

Matthew7: I'm fine, I'm sorry

ColdWeather: okay, slow down, can you just explain what happened at the party?

Matthew7 is typing...

Matthew7 is deleting...

Matthew7: I don't know, I was drunk, I wasn't thinking right

ColdWeather: dude, you weren't even drunk, you barely even touched your cup

ColdWeather: if anything, I was the one who was drunk

Matthew7 is typing...

Matthew7 is deleting...

Matthew7: how much do you remember?

ColdWeather: well, I remember being with you for the majority of the night, we talked, danced and drunk with a bunch of people but you didn't drink nearly as much as me

ColdWeather: after awhile you said you were kinda tired so we went out to the top floor balcony and sat there and talked for a bit

ColdWeather: then you said that you thought you were in love with someone

ColdWeather: I asked you who it was, but you just stared back at me like you were waiting for something

ColdWeather: then you kissed me

Matthew7 is typing...

Matthew7 is deleting...

ColdWeather: I had to call casey to pick me up after you ran away

Matthew7: sorry for leaving you there

ColdWeather: dude it's fine it's just... the whole in love with me thing

ColdWeather: is that really how you feel?

ColdWeather: did you mean it?

Matthew7 is typing...

Matthew7 is deleting...

Matthew7: yes I meant every fucking word i said on that balcony

Matthew7: I have loved you ever since high school, maybe even before that

Matthew7: I thought that I just wanted to be really good friends with you but I don't know, during high school, I started to realise that I wanted more than that

Matthew7: you probably think Im a fucking creep now

ColdWeather: I don't think that at all, understand?

ColdWeather: I just need some time to think

ColdWeather: we should be asleep right now anyway, goodnight mat

ColdWeather is offline

Matthew7 is typing...

Matthew7 is deleting...

Matthew7 is offline

--

• 24/11/20 • Tuesday • 4.07 pm •

--

ColdWeather: hey

Matthew7: hi

ColdWeather: how are you dealing with midyears?

Matthew7: It's been okay

ColdWeather: that's good

Matthew7 is offline

--

• 4/12/20 • Friday • 8.19 pm •

--

Matthew7: what the fuck are you doing

ColdWeather: oh good, you texted first

Matthew7: I can see you from my window

ColdWeather: yeah, that's kinda the point

ColdWeather: now come down here and snowball fight me

Matthew7: what? why?

ColdWeather: because clearly, whatever we have going on isn't getting anywhere so the obvious solution, is a fight to the death

Matthew7: dude, we aren't in middle school anymore, go home

ColdWeather: not until I beat your ass with some snow

Matthew7 is typing...

Matthew7 is deleting...

Matthew7: fuck you

Matthew7: by the time I'm done, youre gonna be begging for mercy

ColdWeather: finally! a worthy challenger!

--

• 27/12/20 • Sunday • 8.12 am •

--

ColdWeather: hey

Matthew7: hi

ColdWeather: are you doing anything for new years?

Matthew7: I don't think so, maybe I'll go out with some friends or something but it's a strong maybe

ColdWeather: would you perhaps like to see some fireworks?

Matthew7: yeah sure, I'll have to think of some gifts for casey and her boyfriend tho

ColdWeather: oh, uh, they're not coming

Matthew7: so it'll just be us?

ColdWeather: yeah, is that cool?

Matthew7 is typing...

Matthew7 is deleting...

Matthew7: does this mean you've made up your mind?

ColdWeather: well, yes, but I wanna tell you in person

Matthew7: with a bunch of fireworks exploding in the background?

ColdWeather: yeah

Matthew7 is typing...

Matthew7 is deleting...

Matthew7: are you asking me out on a date?

ColdWeather: it'll be a date once I very romantically tell you how I feel in front of a million fireworks covering the sky

Matthew7: you are the biggest nerd I've ever met

ColdWeather: I'm glad to hear it

ColdWeather: I'll pick you up and we can go to the park to see the fireworks

Matthew7: how romantical

ColdWeather: that's not even a word

Matthew7: yeah it is, I just made it up!

ColdWeather: and you call me the nerd

Matthew7: and I stand by that

ColdWeather: whatever you dork

ColdWeather: I'll see you on new years :)

Matthew7: see you :)

Matthew7 is offline

ColdWeather is offline

[yuichiiusagii]

That's good!

I would scold you for not taking care of your needs but I've been awake since 5 and still havent eaten or drank anything..-

Ahem.. but I'm glad you're feeling better!!

-🌙🦋

better than me

ive been awake since 7 am yesterday (until around 1) and all ive eaten is a brownie and a granola bar 😭

and yeah i feel a little better physically, my body isnt as sore anymore

[scullz1013]

My first visit to Philadelphia

It has been such a long time since I've blogged I feel like I have forgotton how to use Tumblr.

Anyway, I am in Philadelphia for the first time for the Premier League Summer series and I am I have been very touristy so far. I arrived yesterday afternoon and knowing that Fridays after 5pm are "pay what you like" at the Philadelphia Museum of Art, I decided to use that as a way to try to stay awake as long as possible.

I really wanted to see their collection of armour, I know they have a lot of Milanese stuff which is always beautiful. Unfortunatly the gallery was closed for renovation but I was thankful that a few pieces of armour and some weapons were on display, including a Viking sword from 850!

I mostly looked at their European collection which seemed to have a heavy ecclesiastical focus, lots of stained glass and bits of old buildings that have been lugged across the atlantic. The lady at the front desk reccomended I see Rubens' painting of Prometheus getting his liver eaten by an eagle and, while certainly not a cheery painting, I did like it a lot.

When I left I went out via the Rocky steps and statue. I have never actually seen the movies, but it seemed rude not to and of course some bloke was actually running up the steps as well.

I also explored the immediate area where I am staying - there is a lot of cool street art and murals nearby and the building next door is a trade union headquarters which makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

Today I went to the National Jewish Museum. I walked there via Chinatown (one of the biggest and busiest I have been to in the last few years). The museum is free and focuses specifically on the Jewish American experience and because of that focus I felt that I really learned a lot. I particularly enjoyed the section about Jewish pioneers going out west on their waggons in the 1800s and the section about the civil rights movements of the 20th century.

After a break for some lunch and a bit of planning for the next few days I took a walk up to the City Hall building which is one of the biggest I have ever seen. I really enjoyed it until I walked into the central courtyard which, though lovely, reminded me very strongly of the courtyard of the building I work in at home which slightly dampened my holiday mood. There were also loads of Chelsea fans milling around there ahead of their game against Brighton - all the more reason to move swiftly on. I went to Rittenhouse Square which is a park surrounded by cool old buildings and fancy shops and restaurants. My favourite thing was the frog sculpture, aptly named "Giant Frog".

I got sushi for dinner on the way home and now I am resting my aching feet ready for game day tomorrow. I am very much enjoying Philly so far.

EDIT: It looks like you can no longer caption pictures on Tumblr - I had added what I thought were captions to the image descriptions but you can't see them on the post, so:

Image 1: The trade union building next door to me is named after this guy

Image 3: The building opposite me has an entire mural wall

Image 4: The lifts at PMA were pretty impressive

Image 7: The view from the steps

Image 12: The Jewish Museum's street art contribution

Image 14: City Hall (stock photo) It was too big for me to get a photo without something obstructing the view and / or not getting it all in. Such an impressive building!

Image 15: Benjamin Franklin: Craftsman - huge sculpture near City Hall.

[unrequited-words]

03/08/23 Wednesday 9:49 p.m.

Two beers in. I made this simple pasta mini shells, premade taco meat I made yesterday, a jar of pasta sauce, Parm cheese in the shaker plastic can (romano, maybe), and mozzarella cheese. It's nice.

the beer is helping me forget. Baby is still up. An hour of OT tomorrow. I'd love to do more but I'm not wanting to wake up from 7-9 a.m. from extra hours and five bonus points per hour. If I am awake ... maybe?

Yeah, fuck that.

This last week was so hard. I took Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday off from being sick.

Of fucking course zod gave me shit. All I do is work. Haven't had a real vacation since I gave birth.,.. if you call that abfucking vacation? I had 713 points paid and now I am around 113 give or take. It's all paid. Damn,this pasta is good. I took a bite, lol

On Microsoft teams, my boss messaged me and he said I bonused for February fiscal month. 506.93 I think? I didn't I'd bonus at all due to quality.

Idk, guys... I still believe in God, I'm just scared for the future. Maybe it's supposed to be this way. I support a family of five between 38-39 a year. Inflation fucking sucks. Politics suck.

Rent went up so starting April it's 1300 plus the rest of our expenses, if I keep doing what I do for work we can make it on one salary for now.

I was nominated for an acclaim award for being big hearted at work, and if I win (doubt it) I will get a gift card (50/100.00) and either crumbl cookies. I've never had them.

I've been wanting to make chocolate chip cookies from scratch. We get the kids Saturday. If I pack everything Friday night and on Saturday work from 7:00-9:00 am, and we leave around 10:00-10:30 it isn't so bad. Round trip is 6 hours, but with the baby it feels longer.

We get the kids for a week and I know my son will fucking test me. He always foes. He doesn't fucking listen at FUCKING ALL! He is on his fucking tablet and on the spectrum. It's manageable but Jesus fuck yes this is me venting. It's difficult. Their mom is dofficult. Doesn't allow them to go and play or have sleepovers. She's a fucking trainwreck. she's rather chase dick than be a mom, honestly

If me and Zod ever split up I wouldn't chase dick I'm too old, and with a kid dating is exhausting. No thanks. I'm good.

It was a slow work day. I didn't do too bad. I'm tired. 10:06 pm and maybe in the next hour I can pass out. I hope Astrid goes to bed before modnight. Last night I fell asleep between midnight and 1:00. Slept through my alarm, oh well.

Maybe I'm buzzed but damn this pasta I made sure is yummy, lol. 🍝

I may have another beer but that's pushing it. Tomorrow sometime I need to wash the sheets for the other bed, and make a list before we leave Saturday. Maybe another trip to the grocery store?

My ex sent my birth certificate through the mail and I pray to fucking god it isn't lost. It has thos weird tracking number starting with 70, when normally USPS tracking starts with 98 ... The reason I know is I work with ups, USPS, FedEx, and DHL when customers order.

I'm very oaranoid. I need it to go to the DMV, otherwise if it's lost I get to spend a cool 54.00 fucking dollars requesting a new one.

The other bedroom is closed with all her toys. If she gets out of bed she has nothing to play with. She's watching Peppa Pig. It's cute. It isn't as annoying as that fuck Calliou. God, I need adult froends. I'm drowning in toddler bullshit, 😂

Welcome to my Ted Talk

[but-aint-this-texas]

Hah, fool! It is 7:41 am, meaning I'm allowed to go free, but what you don't know is that I have been up since 10 am yesterday! Only a mere 2.5 more hours until I've spent a full day and night cycle awake! You have no power over me.

[navire190413]

okay so i know why x-chan is so weird about me. i've been avoiding it because its honestly out of my hands now. he texted me good morning yesterday and we chatted all day long and made plans for this weekend. around 7, i was at the bar and he stopped responding so i figured he fell asleep after getting home from work. wake up this morning and text him good morning and no response. i only get a response around 12 when i ask if he wants to go to a park tonight to play pokemon go. he says he wants to be alone so i ask if he's okay and if something happened that's making him not want to respond.

before i proceed. there's a lot of backstory. right before we broke up i was already in the middle of spiraling because things had been bad between us for awhile at that point, my ocd was at an all time worst. i also got diagnosed with depression on top of it. i was sleeping 20 hours a day. and just fighting with x-chan whenever we did manage to speak. whenever i was awake i was engaging in pretty bad compulsions because i was so anxious about our relationship so it was either a) sleep or b) drink. so i was drinking heavily and started to engage in p unsafe behavior because i wanted to not deal with my ocd and depression anymore. also i had so much self hatred i was basically self harming myself on purpose. this obviously didnt help the fact me and him were already in unsteady waters, and made things way worse. so we broke up.

i kind of just kept self sabotaging from that point on. not going to class, spending like $100 on booze every single night, drinking from 7pm-4am almost every night. it was bad, i am still kind of feeling the effects of it. i had a lot of scary stuff happen to me at that time.

i was so drunk returning home at 6AM one morning that i collapsed a block away from my place (i think. i dont remember), and some random guy literally carried me (i am 178cm and 65kg, not an easy task), all the way to my house with me drunkenly pointing where to go, while he was asking if i was okay the entire time. i remember this much. he brought me to my place and let me open the door with my key while he was still holding me and gently placed me in the entryway and told me to be more careful and shut the door and left. this was extremely dangerous, but thank you to that kind stranger. i woke up the next day with bruises over my entire body and my purse was empty. i dropped my wallet, phone, camera, and airpods in the process. i have an airtag in my wallet and can track my airpods and phone .i woke up 2 hours after getting home and tracked all of my stuff to a nearby police station. the guy who carried me home must have went back and collected everything i dropped and turned it all in for me. i was so hungover filling out those forms at the police station.

i had another instance a few weeks after that where i was drinking at the bar at 5am, drunkenly got into a fight with some younger guy, and he stole my phone. he returned it the next evening and apologized saying he didnt remember anything.

my drinking and behaviour was so bad i had a few friends threaten to cut off our relationship if i continued down that path. luckily i've turned things around a bit since i started my job. i drink everyday but only 2-3 cans and go to the bar mostly only on weekends, and i always catch the last train. im going to a shrine on saturday to pray for support to stop drinking, then gonna actually do my best not to drink on weeknights anymore starting next week. im determined. i used to wake up at 4am everyday to study for 2 hours before going to work. i really want to get to that lifestyle again.

anyway, that's the backstory of where my head was at. the bad thing i did which is why me and x-chan can't get back together, during my self-destruction phase is... about a month after me and x-chan broke up i was drunk walking through ikebukuro station and got nampa'ed. and the guy was cute enough so i said "fuck it", first time for everything. we went and ate ice cream together and then went to a hotel together. okaaaaaaaaaay i slept with a random guy who hit on me in a fucking train station. i've never had a one night stand before this. i dont think its that big of a deal if it was the very first time and will probably be the last. we used protection and i got tested a week later then a month later just to be safe.

the first time me and x-chan reconnected again, we were drunk and he asked if i'd had any guys approach me since we broke up. there were a few innocent invites to dates and stuff which i told him about. but i also told him about going to the hotel with the guy (i cant keep a secret to save my life. so i told him.). and he was piiiissssed. not even jealous, just pissed that he dated someone like me, a woman with 0 value, who can sleep with anyone at any time. he said in that instance he regretted our entire relationship because he thought he knew me but was wrong. but then he invited me back to his place to hook up immediately after this so i dont get it haha. we were friends with benefits for a few weeks and really lovey dovey before he realized he wanted to love me more before he could hook up with me anymore. and thats kind of why we're at where we're at now.

so that's why we're re-building our trust now. so i can prove im not actually a slut who just sleeps with anyone. which is why i dont hangout with my guy friends right now either.

the reason he stopped messaging me yesterday is because he randomly remembered that i had sex with that guy, and it made him realize he cant trust anyone at all so he didnt speak to anyone at all last night or today and isnt planning to for awhile. i asked if i should cancel our date reservation tomorrow, but he said he'll go. he just wants to be alone today. i wonder if he's going to end everything tomorrow or if it'll just go back to how it was before today and yesterday. i have no idea anymore. i know i need to stop. this shit is so stressful. the urge to ask him why he’s pissed i get bitches is strong. but his english isnt good enough to understand that, nor would he find it funny.

i had the worst 6 months of my life and fell into a dark place. i mean its life and it happens to people sometimes, especially when you have ocd and addictive tendencies. but i had multiple people i love tell me im a weak woman with no value anymore because of those 2 months of me self-sabotaging myself. so im living as straight as i can now while still kind of reeling from everything and trying to prove to people that those 2 months dont define me. after i got my work visa and passed n1, everyone told me how amazing i am and not a lot of people can do this, etc. so maybe it changed some peoples' opinion on me. like hey, im not an entire piece of shit. i can still achieve things. im still trying relatively hard. im still studying every single day despite drinking lemon sours while doing so and taking breaks to chain smoke haha.

in other news i found my dream apartment. no idea if they accept foreigners or not, but i want to live there soooo bad. its a good price, and the biggest apartment i've seen at that price, and a 4 minute walk from Ikebukuro station. its a corner apartment so every wall has windows, and a big balcony, and CLOSETS. which is so rare. and the inside is just absolutely beautiful with a bunch of hardwood everywhere. i want it soooooooooo bad.

Im going to the realtor company on sunday to possibly go see it. they're going to check with the owner to see if americans are allowed to apply or not before i go, so if its not okay they have time to prepare some other apartments to show me.

why are people so obsessed with shibuya scramble? i have to cross it everyday and theres always like 50 people with cameras recording it. its just…. a crowd of people crossing the street 😭

an hour after posting this he called me to tell me hes excited for our date tomorrow. so maybe hes getting over it!

[nathank77]

7/10/24

2:15 p.m Edited/Added to Significantly

I slept, but heavy sedation was required. I took a little more than a 1MG cause tbh quitting time can't be 3 a.m or 2 a.m.

This new schedule is fucking great, yea I can't stay up late but I'm getting shit done. I can make 10 a.m appointments. I can be in the house with dinner in my belly after running fucking errands and making phone calls by 1 p.m. It's dysfunctional in one way, eating dinner at 1 p.m and going to bed at 9 p.m but I mean the dinner part is only related to when I take my pills and my caloric deficiency in order to keep a healthy weight.

The 9 p.m thing isn't that dysfunctional. I mean, tbh I want to wake up at 6 a.m... but that's not in the cards right now if I want to go to bed at a semi regular time aka 9 p.m. I close my eyes around 10:30 every night. 9 p.m is when I start my routine. So it's not really dysfunctional.

I had to stop taking the statin drug bc it's causing muscle spasms. So I stopped that today. I'm just going to take coq10 and see if it's good enough. I have a chlorestoral test coming up soon and I've been on coq10 since like March.

I'm pissed about last night. Quitting time really has to be around 1 a.m. I'm not going backwards. Circadian rhythm issues will never be a fucking problem for me again. I'm making milestones in terms of getting shit done waking up at 8 a.m. I feel more functional and less isolated despite being just as isolated bc I'm awake at the same time as the rest of the world instead of sleeping all day long.

I'm worried about the spasms but they should stop within 3 months. He offered other things like injections, I got to consider side effects and I just want to consider that maybe coq10 can work. Research suggests it can... it isn't causing side effects... so instead of throwing another drug into the mix I'd rather wait. My leg has had several muscle spasms today... but it should stop now that I've stopped the drug as of today.

My heart monitor left a mark after it came off in the shower. It's since gone away so I'm going to reattach it... it won't be a continuous feed unfortunately but it'll still pick up a decent amount of data for the next month if I can wear it at least 10 hours a day. Unless I get rashy...

I'm going to meet the new therapist today but I dont really want to. I just want to cancel. In 1-30 days I'll get the, "it's not a good fit" speil and then I'll feel like I did yesterday, traumatized.

Maybe I shouldn't be open anymore. I really wear my heart on my sleeve and it bites me in the ass when the new therapist gives up on me... problem with this is- if I am more withholding, then once I start to open up in 2 months let's say-they may leave me then instead of 2 weeks in.

I'm truly giving up on therapy. I technically have a therapist I can start with in August but she will leave me too. Who knows if I'll even be alive in August anyways.

If sleep problems persist. I'm commiting suicide hands down. I'm not going to meet the therapist in August. The one I'm meeting with today is the last chance before it becomes just Mike once a week reporting that I still have ocd and psychosis.

It'll just be a checklist kind of thing. Make sure I stay on disability since I can't work bc I'm mentally ill. And I can save myself from the trauma of being seen as a lost cause....

I'm going to look at this new therapist as a bot collecting a paycheck. So when she leaves me hopefully I won't have much of a trauma response. I'm a paycheck. She's a bot performing a task. She will leave me and then I'll just stay with mike.

Tbh having therapy 3 days a week is really important for my mental health but at the same time it fills my schedule making it hard to plan something like grocery shopping or do this task that requires driving out of town...

So it'll free up my schedule and save me from more trauma. She's a bot collecting her paycheck. She doesn't have a name. She's not a human.

I'm not human to these people I'm a paycheck. So she's an automated bot performing a task. You can't hurt me as badly if I strip you of your humanity.

I should have known when Sarah the automated bot was talking about Prime House and Western as resources that she was actually setting the stage to send the, "it's not a good fit," spiel.

It's whatever though. They aren't people, they are just automated bots performing a task for a paycheck. And you can't hurt me if I look at you that way. New therapist is named automated bot. She has no name. She has no identity. She's performing a task. She's unable to traumatize me when she leaves me if I don't see her as human.

99.99% of therapists are bots performing a task for a paycheck that couldn't care If you live or die and I'm done with providing money to these bots when they don't care and I'm done letting them hurt me.

What's important is keeping my disability status and remembering that 99.99% of people are SHIT and that's why I should avoid them at all costs. Everyone leaves. Everyone. EVERYONE. And 99.99% of people don't deserve to know me and I'm going to hide away from the world bc it keeps me safe. You can't leave me if I don't meet you.

[ratsetflummi]

All of the odd numbered weird asks! (But feel free to skip any that you don’t want to answer of course 😅)

1. who is/are your comfort character(s)?

currently artemis entreri, previously strahd von zarovich

generally there seems to be a theme of mentally ill little bastards with a bunch of trauma who are suffering from The Curse™ and who just kind of want to die but can't

don't read anything into that

3. do you leave the window open at night?

i leave it tilted (because i got the good european windows that you can tilt), so the murderers don't get in, but i also don't suffocate

5. what color are your eyes?

blue

7. hair-ties or scrunchies?

i'm bald

but back when i still had long hair i only ever used hair-ties

9. which do you prefer, hot coffee or cold coffee?

ideally lukewarm, but i'll also take cold. i'm very sensitive to heat, so hot coffee just kills me

11. favorite extracurricular activity?

i haven't been in school in almost a decade. and back when i was still in school i never did any extracurriculars. i always wanted to do theater, but my anxiety was way too bad to actually sign up for it back then

13. when was the last time you ate?

two hours ago. i went to my parents' place to bake a lemon tart with meringue, and i ate a piece of that before i left

the tart in question:

15. are you a parent? (all answers qualify)

only to a pair of little idiot cats

17. are you farsighted or nearsighted?

nearsighted, but i only have to wear my glasses at university, for everything else my eyes are still good enough

19. imagine we’re at a sleepover, would you paint my nails?

yes, and they might not even look horrible, i've been getting better at that lately

21. something you’ve kept since childhood?

the only thing that comes to mind is my fear of dogs. had that since i was a child. as far as like objects go i'm pretty sure everything's been replaced at some point

23. how do you feel about chilly weather?

love chilly weather, the chillier the better, bury me in snow and i will be happy (i am currently suffering from summer)

25. perfume/body spray or lotion?

body spray

27. about how many hours of sleep did you get?

more than i usually get recently, which is to say about 7 hours. the cat i'm currently cat sitting keeps screaming me awake way too early in the morning, but last night i finally caved in and put in some earplugs, so i actually slept more than five hours for once

29. how do you like your shower water?

warm. not scalding, but i refuse to step into a cold shower

31. what type of music keeps you grounded?

metal. a strong baseline and drums help me calm down. which sounds like a joke, but it really isn't

33. the last adventure you’ve been on?

i'm currently living at a friend's place out in the middle of nowhere, because she's on vacation right now and i agreed to take care of her cat, and going back and forth from my place to hers takes for fucking ever. and honestly just figuring out how to live out here is an adventure of its own

35. what’s your timezone?

i would have sworn that it's gmt+1, but apparently it's gmt+2? or cest. my friends in the uk keep calling me a bloody future person because i'm one hour ahead of them

37. someone in your life, other than a relative, you’ve known for 10+ years?

only person who i still talk to is thisfairytalegonebad on here. we weren't technically actively talking until we did our finals at the same time, which was only 7 years ago, but fairy is the reason why i'm even on tumblr in the first place, and that was 11 years ago

39. do you use lip balm?

nope, my lips always feel worse when i try

41. how do you take your coffee?

with ridiculous amounts of milk and sugar

43. what’s your take on spicy foods?

i can handle a bit of spice, but too much will kill me

45. can you remember what happened yesterday?

i had to think long and hard about it, but i think i reconstructed most of it

the highlights are going to university, doing a horrible job drawing my friend's old dnd character during a lecture, visiting a friend at work on the way home, failing to kill a boss on elden ring for like two hours, talking to friends on vc, and doing a way better job redoing the drawing

the drawings in question (from 2021, yesterday morning, and yesterday night, in that order):

(yes, that is jarlaxle's hat. well, technically jack axel's hat, who was my pc in dragonheist, and who totally wasn't just the jarlaxle we have at home when mom says that we have jarlaxle at home)

47. what was the last message you sent?

asking my mom whether she has finally applied for the new job she was looking at and whether her coworker has actually quit yet. that was five days ago, she hasn't answered yet

unless we're talking discord messages, in which case it was me talking about what i'm gonna cook for my friends when i go visit them a month from now

49. can you skip rocks?

absolutely not. i've tried a couple times, but i never actually got anywhere

[hismercytomyjustice]

I want to write right now but my brain is such mush. (ಥ﹏ಥ) I knew it would be, trips always take so much out of me, but it’s so frustrating. I have been running around nonstop since Sunday and damn if it isn’t hitting me like a freight train now.

My husband picked me up at the airport and I ate lunch before immediately passing out for a few hours. And then I managed to get up long enough to shower. And have been trying to stay awake/feel like my brain is still in my head ever since.

I am not the type to just start nodding off, but I did on the flight to NY and back and in my Uber to the airport yesterday. Everything has just been so exhausting.

Thank fuck for noise cancelling headphones, Loop earplugs, fidget toys, and extra anxiety meds because idk how I would have functioned without them. It is WILD how much of a difference using the Loops/noise cancelling headphones makes. I go from wanting to start screaming/crying or wanting to run away to being able to actually function and not feel like I’m dying after. Well, mostly anyway.

I barely slept Sunday night because I procrastinated and was panic packing and then had to get up early (6:20ish) to go to the airport. Then I got to the hotel around 12:30 Monday and even tho I requested an early check in, I didn’t get my room until 2:30. Meanwhile all my coworkers got theirs and abandoned me to just sit in the lobby anxiously looking at my watch while I hoped and prayed I’d be able to get to my room before our first session at 3. Apparently the entire hotel was sold out.

I’d been banking on getting to check in, maybe nap, and hopefully shower and change before the sessions started. Instead I got to check in, change clothes, and then just about sprint to the first session. They told us it was a 5min walk from the hotel to the tower but it was closer to 15. I don’t tolerate heat well so I was sweating buckets by the time I got there.

I didn’t have time to get my actual badge or get my hand scanned for the biometric entry. And even tho they looked me up and knew I was an employee and had a badge waiting for me (had to present my ID), I still needed to have someone in the building to come down and vouch for me? Place was sealed up like damn Fort Knox. I couldn’t get to the lobby without going through security, and even tho i had a temporary employee badge with the floors I needed access to printed on it, I couldn't get on or off any of the floors without someone with an actual badge.

Then we were out until 8pm with our team. Basically got back to the hotel and showered and crashed before having to be back in the lobby by 7:15 the next morning to walk back to the tower. We were in sessions from 7:30 to 5:30pm with barely any time for a bathroom break let alone a break to check on work stuff. I had to spend two of our tiny breaks trying to get my badge, but I finally got it. Then dinner was at 6 and ended after 8. Me and a few of my coworkers walked to the marina and took some photos there. Got back to the hotel around 9. Showered and passed out again.

Then had to check out and be back at the tower with all our stuff before 8am on Wednesday. I took an Uber because I didn't want to drag my heavy ass bookbag and suitcase for a 15min walk. We were in sessions again until almost 3pm. At which point I went straight to the airport. It took almost an hour to get there by Uber, so I was working on my phone the whole time. Got through security and even boarded the plane before they told us our flight was cancelled and we needed to deplane.

I can count on one hand the number of times I've had to fly somewhere so I had no clue how a cancelled flight worked. And flights were getting cancelled all over the city. I stood in a line around 50 people deep to wait for the help desk. They told us to rebook on the app so I stepped out of line and was looking at flights when they finally allowed me to try and rebook. The only other direct flight was Thursday at 7:35pm otherwise I’d have 1-2 layovers for a flight that should only take 2 hours.

Thankfully they made a new flight for us that we were automatically booked for. I got back in the now even longer line to ask about vouchers for food/transportation/lodging per my manager’s instructions. They told us nothing was on offer because the cancellation was due to weather.

So THEN I was scrambling to find a hotel for the night. Along with every other stranded passenger. All the cheaper ones by the airport were full. I’m hoping work will comp me for my hotel last night but am not 100% sure so I didn’t want to book a $500 a night stay closer to the airport. So I booked a hotel in NJ that was 15 miles away. It took an hour to get there by Uber. I checked in around 10 and just dissociated in my room for like an hour lol.

Then I showered and went to bed. Got up at around seven to repack my luggage and get another hour long Uber ride back to the airport. Thank god my flight was on time and everything went smoothly from there and now I’m home again.

I’m mentally and physically exhausted and probably will be for another day or two, which sucks. I hate it takes me so long to recover from stuff like this. BUT THAT’S NOT SELF-COMPASSION. I will be a potato tomorrow and maybe Saturday. Hoping to feel marginally human by Sunday.

BUT. I’m actually really proud of myself for figuring shit out when my flight got cancelled. I don’t travel and I certainly don’t travel alone unless I absolutely have to. But I persevered and got a hotel and got back home in one piece! I didn’t panic! It may have been because I took my extra anxiety meds pre-flight that didn’t happen, but regardless I feel like I did so well given everything that happened! Especially only having been to NYC only once before as part of a high school trip in 2007.

I hadn’t even taken an Uber by myself before this trip! I found the office all by myself the first time! I didn’t even get lost in the process! When I have 100% gotten lost in Raleigh before, which is SO MUCH SMALLER THAN NYC. I survived not one but TWO brand new (to me) airports! And my ADHD and OCD mostly cooperated the whole time! Success after success after success!

Tbh I had a lot more fun than I expected to and it was really nice getting to see my coworkers in person. We’re all virtual and only ever met once before last year in New Orleans, but that was a trip including almost 1k people from our org. This was our first time together with just our team.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being virtual, but there’s something to be said for seeing colleagues in person too. At least once in a while!

I’ll probably post more about the trip in the days to come as I still process a lot of it, but overall I had a much better time than I expected to!

I also got to meet more of the sales reps I support and it was so funny to have them just yell out customer names I’d helped them with at me when they saw me haha!!! Glad to know I’m making a positive impact! ꉂ (´∀｀)ʱªʱªʱª It’s so easy to feel very siloed while being virtual. It was nice getting a reminder that they’re actual people I’ve helped and that they appreciate said help!