#i'm uhhhhhhh not doing good mentally

[heliacalxrising]

.

[savventeen]

you say the stupidest (sweetest) things

pairing: seungkwan x gn!reader rating: 16+ (for swearing) wc: 4.5k prompt: seungkwan + "things you said at 1am" summary: you say stupid shit on the best of days, so when seungkwan comes over when you're having a bad bout of insomnia, the last thing he expects to hear from you is an accidental love confession warnings: insomnia, mental health issues, dissociation mention tags: fluff, friends to lovers, first kiss, reader is a little unhinged but who isn't tbh, they're also highkey allergic to genuine expressions of love/affection but they're working on it, banter, stimming, wrestling like children to try and work through emotions, reader is some flavor of lgbt+ (they make an "i've never done anything straight in my life" joke), reader's pov is dramatic bc they're dramatic oops a/n: this is for @dokyeomin as a part of my emergency commissions (check out the post here) and this was only supposed to be 1k but it 100% got away from me... i hope you still enjoy the fluff and all of the attached nonsense <3

From: Y/n 🔪 [11:47pm]

yo kwannie if i impulsively decide to go to the 24h convenience store how harshly do u think they'll jusdge me for buying every flavor of gummy candy available *judge i wanna see if i can melt them down into one Ultimate Gummy u know for Science

Seungkwan pauses brushing his teeth and stares down at your messages.

To be fair, it's probably not the strangest thing you've ever texted him. He's known you since your second year of college, after all, so he has about half a decade of experience with all of your various y/n-isms under his belt now.

Which is how he knows to trust his gut when it tells him that this probably isn't your usual brand of nonsense.

He spits the toothpaste into the sink and dials your number. You answer on the second ring.

“Before you say anything,” you start, “I was only half-serious about the gummies thing. Like, it's a fun idea, you know? In theory. But in actuality? I do not want to deal with the mess that it would create. Or the smells. Well, the smells might actually be pretty good depending on—“

“Uh-huh,” he interrupts dryly. “Y/n, when's the last time you slept?”

The beat of silence that follows is enough to confirm his suspicions, and the hesitant “Um” that follows is just the icing on the cake, really.

He sighs. “The fact that you have to think about it says enough.”

“I don’t need to think about it,” you argue petulantly. “I just… don’t wanna tell you.”

“Y/n...” he groans, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Look, I know, I'm sorry.” And you do sound a little bit sorry, at least. “I'm just. Having an episode. Don't worry about it.”

His shoulders droop as the words sink in. “Episodes” are what you've taken to calling your intermittent bouts of serious insomnia.

Generally speaking, you sleep about as well as the average twenty-something with a caffeine addiction. But every few months or so, it's like your brain completely forgets how to shut off and you end up staying awake for 40+ hours straight.

“Well,” he says, putting his toothbrush away and going back to his bedroom. “You know that ship has sailed, right? You know I'm gonna worry about it.”

Your deep sigh crackles over the line. “Yeah, I know.”

“So. Where're we at this time?”

He mentally braces himself. The two of you have done this enough times now that he knows that you know there's no point in trying to lie or beat around the bush.

“Uhhhhhhh, I'll be hitting the 46-hour mark in about 20 minutes.”

“Aish.”

The fact that you can say that so casually makes his heart hurt. He knows that whenever he doesn't get enough sleep, he makes sure everyone knows it and thus babies him accordingly. But you've always been so intent on hiding anything and everything you struggle with. It's taken years for him to bully himself past the walls you keep hidden behind shit-eating grins and an over-willingness to help.

“Okay,” he says, moving to the dresser to grab an extra set of clothes. “I'll be over in an hour.”

“Wait. What?”

“You heard me.” He tosses the clothes onto his bed before going to grab one of his duffle bags, firmly asserting, “You've got an hour to mentally prepare yourself for my arrival.”

“Honey, you've got a big storm comin',” you quote at him without hesitating.

“You sure do,” he assures with a snort. “Better get ready to feel the wrath of my friendship.”

“Why do you have to love so aggressively?”

He rolls his eyes while he throws his clothes into the duffle bag with one hand. “Because it's the only way you'll accept it, idiot.”

“No, it isn't.”

Your pout is so audible through the phone that Seungkwan has to stop and glance at the screen in disbelief.

“Y/n. Y/n L/n. Do not stand there and lie to my face like that.”

“I'm not lying!”

“Not—” He gesticulates wildly with one hand like he's going Can you believe this shit? to an invisible TV audience. “Okay, tell me this: what did you do the last time I sincerely monologued at you about how much you mean to me as a friend, hmm? No bits, no bullshit, just me telling you how much I love you and how amazing you are.”

A beat. “I'll hang up on you, Kwannie, don't test me.”

He barely resists the urge to shove his face into the bedspread and scream. “You're literally proving my point right now!”

“Kwannieeee,” you whine, because you know he's right.

“Also, because I'm never letting you live it down, I will remind you exactly what you did."

You say his name again, but it's muffled, and he assumes it's because you're hiding your face in shame.

“I gave you a sincere, heartfelt speech about how much your friendship has changed my life for the better and made me become a better person—” he ignores your wordless pterodactyl screech, “—and how do you respond? By staring at me like a deer caught in the headlights, slowly raising your arms to give me double finger guns, winking, and then slowly backing out of the room like an awkward mannequin!”

“...”

“Well?” He puts his free hand on his hip. “Do you have anything to say for yourself?”

“… I’ve changed a lot since then.”

Seungkwan rolls his eyes before moving to continue packing his overnight bag. “It was literally three months ago.”

“Yeah, and? Doesn't change the fact that I've changed,” you assert.

“Into even more of a nuisance? Yes, you're absolutely right.” He smiles when he hears you scoff playfully.

“Listen here, Boo Seungkwan. You know that well-rested Y/n is ready to throw down with you at a moment's notice. What do you think sleep-deprived, zero-impulse-control Y/n is going to do the second you get to their front door?”

“Stop referring to themself in the third person, hopefully,” he mutters, finally zipping up his bag and heading to the door. “And then after that, they're going to let me bully them into resting.”

“Hmm. The council has heard your proposal, briefly pondered it, and deemed it “unnecessary” on the basis of: they're a bad bitch that can't be stopped by neither time nor physics nor any god of your choosing.”

Seungkwan scoffs as he puts the call on speaker and sits to put on his sneakers. “Well, “the council” can go fuck right off.”

“What if the council would like to fuck right on?”

Pausing in the middle of tying his laces, he blinks down at his phone. “I'm— what?”

“Okay, real talk, what do you think it would mean in this case? Like, would this be like a 'hop on' versus 'hop off' situation? Or more like an 'I'm down for this' versus 'I'm up for this' kinda situation? Because it would have very different outcomes depending.”

Seungkwan decides that this is a debate better left for another time. “I think it means that I'm going to be at your house soon and that if you're not in your pajamas with hot Sleepy Time tea and the series Planet Earth ready to go, there will be consequences.”

“Booooooo, you whore.”

He finishes tying his laces and jabs his finger at the phone. “Consequences, Y/n.”

“Ugh, fine.”

“See you soon, love you, bye.” He hangs up before you can get another word in, but doesn't move from his seated position in the entryway.

Slowly, he takes a deep breath in and lets it out, taking a moment to lean back on his hands while he stares at the back of his front door. Specifically, at the large collage of sticky notes and pictures and doodles that have taken up residence there.

A few of the notes are ones he's gotten from other members of your shared friend group over the years (the one from Chan that reads "if u eat my rice i'll eat ur kneecaps xoxo" hangs proudly in the center, right next to a picture of him sleeping that Seungkwan managed to capture from an extremely unflattering angle). But most of them are from you.

Dumb puns, meme references, bullshit animal facts you made up just to get him to laugh… almost all of them are stupid in that extremely charming way that only you somehow manage to pull off.

But the one he's staring at now is almost completely hidden by other notes and pictures that have been added to the collage. It's a pale blue, the ink starting to fade a bit with time — the first note you ever gave him, back when you two were just people who happened to sit next to each other in an astronomy class.

Even though most of it is hidden, he doesn't need to be able to see all the tiny words you crammed into the small space to already know exactly what it says.

how do u make a space party? u planet :P u looked sad today, hope this makes u feel a little better also if this is 2 forward feel free 2 pretend i don't exist. or punt me in2 the sun idk u'd be doing me a favor tbh

He'd almost skipped class that day because of how bad he'd been feeling, but he'd decided to try and push through. And before that day, neither of you had interacted with more than a polite greeting and the occasional question about the homework.

But then you'd passed him that note, and he'd passed one back that said “that's dumb. but thank you” with a smiley face, and you'd passed another one back that said “do u think lizard people have ever been to space?” and the rest, they say, is history.

Seungkwan shakes his head with a sigh before standing up and grabbing his bag and his keys, striding determinedly out the door. He's got a best friend to take care of.

Seungkwan should be at your place soon, and you're not quite sure what to do in the meantime.

You have your laptop hooked up to the monitor in the living room with Planet Earth queued up, you have the kettle filled with water and ready to go on the stove, and you have mugs and teabags ready on the counter next to it.

The Required Tasks™️ have been completed as much as possible without the arrival of your best friend, and now all that's left to do is wait.

Which, normally, you're not the worst at. You're excellent at entertaining yourself, actually, mostly because there's always something to think about. Whether it be about cute dogs that you've seen over the past week (I wonder if the pomeranian down the street will let me pet him next time), potential plot twists for the new fantasy drama you're a little bit obsessed with (what if Gregothy was cursed the whole time???), or generic ponderings of the human existence as a whole (do souls have the metaphysical equivalent of a fingerprint?), you're pretty much always thinking about something.

Which is totally fine and dandy and cool or whatever when you have the ability to, you know, shut it off. For example, when you need to do something simple and necessary like, oh I don't know, go the fuck to sleep.

You also hate when that manic mental energy somehow translates into kinetic energy as well. It makes you feel like a hamster in a cage, watching yourself running and running and running on that stupid wheel until you exhaust yourself.

Tonight's metaphorical wheel: stimming like wild in the kitchen. Flapping, rocking, (gently) slapping, making weird and fun mouth sounds, the whole shebang.

And again, normally stimming is fun. Stimming is great. But stimming because you feel like if you don't stop moving you're going to literally vibrate out of your skin is, to put it lightly, Not It.

It takes you about ten minutes to work out all of the energy until you no longer feel like your blood was replaced with pop rocks.

With a groan, you lower yourself to the kitchen floor and lay down face first. Because despite how exhausted you feel in every possible way, there's still something like an itch in your conscious, a fucking pea underneath the miles of mattresses that refuse to let you just. Fucking. Sleep.

Your pity party must've lasted longer than you realized (or, more likely, you dissociated for a hot second there) because suddenly someone's knocking at your door at the same time you get a text from Seungkwan.

And you know it's a text from Seungkwan specifically because you got Vernon to help you change your notification settings so that whenever Seungkwan texts you, the "i love you.. bitch" sound clip plays instead of a normal text tone.

For a fraction of a second, you contemplate slowly inching your way to the door like an uncoordinated caterpillar, but you swat the thought aside like you’re swatting a gnat and you awkwardly roll to your feet and make your way to your front door.

Without hesitating, you unlock the door, swinging it open with a flourish and sticking a finger right in Seungkwan's face before he can utter a single syllable, forcing him to cross his eyes.

You open your mouth wide like you're going to say something, pause for a moment, then tap your pointed finger to his nose with a quiet "boop."

He blinks, expression turning deadpan, and sighs. "I should have expected this, honestly."

“Yep!”

You let him into your apartment, and he makes himself right at home, mildly bitching at you as he goes to get the tea ready, and something within you shifts.

The inside of your head is still a bit of a dumpster fire, unfortunately, but inside your chest... something clicks into place that you're not sure that you're ready to name. Whatever it is, though, it's soft and warm and kinda feels like your heart is being hugged.

Smiling to yourself, you follow him into the kitchen.

💤 💤 💤 💤 💤

It was pretty much straight to “business” after that, and it only takes Seungkwan one cup of tea and two episodes listening to David Attenborough's dulcet narrations for him to knock right out, leaning heavily against your shoulder on the couch.

Which means it's now the perfect time to sit there and Admire Your Bro™️.

It's rare to see him so still, you think. He's an active guy, in pretty much every sense of the word, and you always feel a little honored when you get to be witness to his quiet, vulnerable moments like this one.

He looks so serene, face smoothed out and painted in soft twirling shades of blue from the screen of the monitor, though you can't see too much of it from this angle. Mostly you just see his cheeks and stupidly adorable button nose.

And you've seen the same thing a million times before — in all kinds of states and expressions — and despite how much you've tried to ignore it, each and every time you've caught yourself noticing just how cute Seungkwan is, it's caused that thing in your heart to scrunch up, full of the L-word feeling that you've kept unnamed for what feels like forever now.

Except, maybe that thing in your heart is tired of scrunching up. Maybe it's decided that it's tired of forever.

Maybe that thing has finally decided to burrow itself out of the walls you've built up because you find yourself finally allowing yourself to think, Holy shit, I think I'm in love with you.

You don't realize that Seungkwan has completely stilled against you, but you certainly notice when he suddenly throws himself forward so he can turn around and stare at you incredulously. Only he overshoots a little bit and ends up falling off the couch with a squawk and a dramatic flail.

"Oh my god, Kwannie are you okay?!"

He stares at you from where he fell, wide-eyed like you've grown a second head or like the time you'd tried to convince him that birds weren't real and actually just a government conspiracy.

"Am— am I okay? No??"

Now it's your turn to move off of the couch, coming down to his level to see if maybe he hurt himself when he fell. "Fuck, okay, did you hit something? Do you need an icepack?"

Seungkwan being Not Okay is maybe one of the worst things that could ever happen in the entire universe and you're trying not to panic as you reach out to check for injuries.

"No, no, stop—" he bats away at your hands and you stop in your motions, now kneeling in front of him. "I'm not hurt!"

Your brain does the cartoonish screech thing as it comes to a halt, and you furrow your brows. "But.. you just said you're not okay?"

"I'm not!" His eyes are still wide in shock, but he also looks confused and maybe a little bit like he's about to cry?

Oh no. If he cries and it's somehow your fault (because it has to somehow be your fault) you think the world might actually end.

"Okay, uh. I am— confused,” you start, sure you must look as lost as you feel. “But, um, what can I do to help?"

He swallows, and a part of you realizes that he's looking at you with an expression you've never seen before. "Did you mean it?"

Knowing that it's significant but not yet knowing why, you maintain eye contact. "Mean what?"

"What you just said."

You blink. "...that I'm confused?"

He shakes his head. "No, before that."

You have a hard time remembering what you just said when you're not sleep-deprived and worried you've just somehow accidentally caused irreparable emotional damage to your best friend. "Uh... when I asked if you were okay?"

"No, fuck," and it's a shock for some reason, hearing him cuss right now. You hear him say much worse things all the time, but you think it might be the way he said it — with a kind of desperate vulnerability that you're not sure you've ever heard from him before.

That thing in your chest twinges and you think maybe you're the one who's gonna start crying.

He says your name like a plea, and then he's on his knees right in front of where you're kneeling on the floor, reaching forward to cup your face in his palms. "You said— Y/n, you said "holy shit I think I'm in love with you.””

Oh.

You're pretty sure your heart falls right out of your ass and bounces across the rug, judging from the way it comes to a dead stop. You blink at him. Full of new and sinking kind of dread, you whisper, "...I said that out loud?"

He laughs, but it's tinged with incredulity and sounds a little too close to a sob for comfort. "Yes! You did!"

And wait, no, your heart is still stuck in your chest, because you can feel it start pounding against your ribcage in double, triple, quadruple time. He must see the fear in your expression, because suddenly his eyes are narrowed in a determined scowl and he growls, "Oh no you don't."

Then you find yourself going down with a yelp as Seungkwan octopuses himself around you, trapping you within the confines of his surprisingly strong arms and legs as he basically tackles you to the floor.

You try and wiggle away even as you know it's useless, and he grits, "Y/n dammit, answer my question."

"Why were you even awake?” You deflect, getting an arm free and trying to give him a wedgie. “You were supposed to be asleep!"

"I was supposed to be asleep?!” He screeches, easily evading your reach and poking your ribs to get you to reflexively pull back your arm. “You're the one who hasn't slept in literal days! And stop avoiding my question!"

"No!" He has you trapped once again, and you resort to licking his arm.

"Oh my god!"

He muffles his scream into your shoulder, long and frustrated, and then he just... goes limp. He loosens his hold and just lets his full body weight kinda crush the parts of you he's ended up lying on and just... lays there.

This is your chance, you know — to wiggle free and escape and run away from your feelings just like you always have.

But, for some reason, you don't — that scrunched-up thing in your chest holds you back. You stay there, lying beneath Seungkwan on the floor of your living room at one-something in the morning, and the two of you just breathe.

"It's okay, you know," he murmurs after a moment, so quiet you barely hear him over David Attenborough still narrating softly in the background. "If you didn't mean it. It's okay."

Holy shit, I think I'm in love with you.

And you realize how easy it would be to play it off, to blame it on the sleep deprivation, the way you blurted it out like that — to say (to lie) you meant it completely platonically, like the way you propose to Mingyu at least once a month when he cooks you all dinner.

And you also realize, quite shockingly, that despite how a part of you still desperately wants to run away, the larger part of you wants to stay. Doesn't want to run. Doesn't want to lie anymore.

You swallow heavily, briefly close your eyes, and take in a deep breath. "And if I did? Mean it?"

This time, you do notice when Seungkwan goes still. Slowly, he lifts his head so he can look you in the eyes.

When he doesn't say anything, just continues to look at you with an unreadable expression, you try to continue.

"Would you— would that— would it be okay? If I meant it? When I— when I said that I'm in love with you? Is— because um, like you said, it's okay if it's not, and uh—"

Your nervous rambling comes to a stop when he once again cups your face, but it's gentler than before, closer to a caress. The whole time you'd been talking he'd been slowly sitting up, and now he's on his knees next to where you're still lying down on the floor, looking down at you like all the hope in the world is somewhere to be found in your expression.

"Y/n." he says your name like it's something precious, and you feel the absurd urge to burst into tears. "It would be very okay." His thumbs make gentle arcs across your cheeks. "And just to be clear: you mean it in a non-platonic sense, right?” He chews on his lip. “Hopefully, in a very much romantic sense?"

Staring at him staring at you, eyes bright with hope and a little bit of wonder... you can only imagine you must be looking at him the same way. Your chest feels like it's full of helium but also like something warm and gooey is sloshing around in there. And all that hope and wonder and holy shit is this actually happening? is causing your tongue to stick to the roof of your mouth, and all you're able to get past your lips is a breathless, "Hopefully?"

"Oh my god," he groans in frustration, but it's light and airy and makes you think of amusement park rides and fairy lights and how you want to annoy the shit out of this man for the rest of his life, if he'll let you. He's shaking his head, smiling, beaming, and he asks, "Why can you never give me any kind of a straight answer, huh?"

"Because it's my life's purpose to be the bane of your existence until the day we die," you say, reaching up to hold his face too. "Also because I've never done anything straight ever in my life."

And then your body is moving before your brain can think it though, dragging him down until you can press your lips to his and finally, finally know what it's like to kiss Boo Seungkwan.

He makes a little noise of surprise, one that you can feel buzz against your lips before he melts into you. And oh, any thoughts you might have had are forcefully ejected from your brain because all you can focus on are his lips pressed to yours, the way they move slowly, gently, turning this chaste kiss into the most scorching experience of your life. His nose bumps against yours and the heat of his warm breath sends tingles throughout your body, and his hands, fuck, his hands are still holding you gently but also with a firmness that feels like he doesn't want to let you go.

And then he's pulling away, and you whine at him because this may be the cruelest thing he's ever done to you ever in your entire life. "Noooooo, why'd you stop?"

"Because, as much as I'd love to continue to make out with you on your floor while an old British man narrates about life on the Serengeti—” he mercifully ignores the way you choke on your spit at the way he talks about making out with you so nonchalantly "—it's past someone's bedtime."

Your mouth drops open in offended shock. Was he actually going to put you to bed like a child? Like you both hadn't just declared your romantic love for each other? "Are you fucking serious?"

He just stands up and crosses his arms, looking down at you with a single raised eyebrow. You take the part of you that finds it annoyingly attractive and promptly smother it, crossing your own arms from your position on the floor.

"I'm not a baby," you definitely don't pout.

"Hmmm...” And then the bastard fucking pouts at you. “But you're my baby."

You blink at him.

"Welp, that was nice while it lasted,” you grunt, rolling to your feet, “but I suddenly need to relocate to Antarctica and become a penguin herder.”

He pulls you into his arms with a laugh, and you let him, burying your face in the crook of his shoulder.

“You know,” he starts after he's held you for a few moments. “This isn't how I ever imagined how us confessing to each other would go.”

You snort.

“But also,” he continues, “it feels very 'us' doesn't it?”

"Yeah,” you murmur, not bothering to lift your head from his shoulder.

“Mmm, is someone finally sleepy?” he teases, starting to waddle you both towards your bedroom. “Did all the emotions finally wear you out?”

Instead of nodding, you lightly kick him in the shin and the sappy part of your brain that is currently in charge of everything thinks that his indignant squawk is one of your most favorite sounds.

The sappy part of your brain is right, of course, and when you wake up in your bed 15 hours later and accidentally smack him in the face, the urge to run is a little bit smaller than it was before. And the way he flushes bright red after you sleepily kiss him on the cheek is an image you're going to cherish until the day you die.

[memes-in-a-half-shell]

Hallo 🙋‍♀️

I realize I haven't posted here in quite some time!!

Am I braindead? Always 💅 Am I abandonning this fandom? No, simply taking a mental break 🙆‍♀️ What's up? I'm in Baldur's Gate 3 brainrot hell and I'm LIVING FOR IT. 💃 (I shitpost a lot on Twitter)

I've straightened up a lot of priorities in the last few months: - Commissions are now forever closed. No more. Never. Nada. I am absolutely done with it. The last few ones I did over the last few months made me realize that I do not enjoy drawing for others anymore unless it's for shits and giggles, or a trade with friends. (no, do not try to be my friend to get free art. been there, done that)

- I am revisiting my deep love for medieval fantasy stuff. That is where I've always felt more creative and generally inspired. The last few drawings I did and texts I've written really reflect that. (I do plan on continuing some of my tmnt fics tho, that's for sure)

- I do not see the need to push content as much over the years. I am satisfied with doing things for myself, and frankly I've been gaining less and less traction over time because of how sporadically I post in general. The internet is really strange now with its algorithms and views and "for you" pages, etc. BLEHRG. If people find my stuff and like it, good for them. Otherwise, I post for myself or just don't post at all 🤷‍♀️ as long as I'm happy, that's what matters.

- Not gonna lie, I'm also doing this to prepare myself mentally to not be so dependant of the internet and having my sole source of happiness come from it. My partner and I have some plans for the future - some which involve actually starting a family - so I know the internet cannot be a priority.

- My career is taking a lot of twists and turns. I am more involved in the video game development sphere and I'm aiming for roles up high in management. Things are moving fast this year and I might get where I want to be sooner than later. That is going to take a lot of my time and energy. So any free time I have, I want it to be for ME.

So uhhhhhhh, that's the big lines I guess. I see lots of drama on the internet and I will have none of that. I'll stay in my bubble and enjoy my stuff however I want. I'll post stuff to make people laugh 'cause the world is so ugly and sad these days. We need some sunshine 💜

Love you all 💜

[feerz]

Ranking all the Jesuses from every version I've watched/listened to so far

without further ado let's get into it 🙌

Ian Gillan - 1970 Original concept album

The True Doer that you cannot outdo. The og who made this role what it is today. And since the og album was were I got my start and obsession with jcs, I have a huge fondness for him. There's just something so- so... about him. His vocals? Insane, fantastic, the golden standard. His Gethsemane is Everything. He raised the bar so high (literally lol) and made this role harder for everyone that came after him and I respect that. I also love his characterisation. He is a rockstar and he knows it. Adore this whiny ass messiah and his dramatics. 9/10

Ted Neeley - 1973 movie

Sad little mouse man. He's like some small rodent to me. His gethsemane is iconic, but beyond it I don't care to much about his Jesus. He's perfectly inoffensive, but I find him a bit boring. Poor guy also had the disadvantage of performing against Carl Anderson, who's too powerful and who commanded every scene he was in, outshining Jesus. Tedsus is not for me personally, but he's definitely not bad. 6/10

Camilo Sesto - Madrid 1975 album

I like him! He reminds me of Ian's Jesus but sadder (love to see it). Really good vocals. That 'POR QUE' ate. And his Gethsemane in general too. I don't have that much to say besides that, but Señor Sesto is really good in this role. 8/10

James Whitson - San Jose Civic Light Opera's 1990 production

Uhhhhhhh. Watched this in a discord watch party and for half of it we were thought this was Ted. It wasn't. Don't really know what to say, there wasn't anything really memorable or notable about him. Also has the disadvantage of being pared up with Carl Anderson, except it's even worse here. If Carl was anywhere near him, no chance I was paying attention to Jesus. Um... he chased Santa out of the Temple! That's something! 3/10

Steve Balsamo - 1996 London revival album

Steve Balsamo Jesus, my dearly beloved. How can you not love him. Just rewatch his Gethsemane for the 1000th time. His vocals are out of this world, man has organ pipes in place of vocal chords. Props to him for actually crying in gethsemane and still killing it. Absolutely fantastic. And his beautiful hair and those brown eyes really add to it. He's such a sad pathetic man, it's great. No complaints 10/10

Glenn Carter - 2000 movie

I'm shaking, please buy him brown contacts. I am a glensus hater, although I have to admit that during my second viewing I didn't dislike him as much. Easily my least favourite gethsemane (lmm excluded), except his delivery of "what you started, I didn't start it", that was surprisingly good. Again, I'm a hater but bonus points for the entertainment factor. 4/10

Paul Nolan - 2012 Broadway revival

BORING! Sorry your trouple doesn't save you from being so incredibly bland. It's like looking at a white wall that has just been painted over and you're watching it dry. Gethsemane is solid vocally, I like his interactions with others. But Jesus himself? No thanks. The staging of the crucifixion was so great, but then there he is with his mouth agape like a baby bird being fed and unconvincing "suffering". Also, no blood? 3/10

Ben Forster - 2012 UK Arena tour

THIS IS THE ONE. My roman empire. My most dear blorbo. He's been living in my head rent free for months. I love him so much. He's just so incredibly stressed out and angsty and pathetic and constantly on the verge of a complete mental breakdown. His gethsemane is my favourite. Just pretty much everything I could want from a performance of it. The way he curls up on the floor? The little moments when his voice breaks a bit from emotion?? The knee thing??? Great, fantastic, stunning, no notes. Also I adore his costuming, finally Jesus is given something more interesting. 11/10

John Legend - 2018 NBC

Hot take, but he's not nearly as bad as people make him out to be. He's just fine. I do enjoy his voice, Poor Jerusalem is especially good. Although I don't love his acting in the second act, but I really liked him in the first one. This Jesus just seems really nice and friendly and I love that. Gethsemane is solid vocally, even without the G5. Anyways he's not bad at all! 6/10

Andrew Latobesi - 2018 Villanova College

This was another wildcard from the watch party. Jesus didn't stand out much because we were all a bit distracted by Judi. And Mary. He was bland and the acting was not fantastic, but this is a high school prod, and for what it's worth he's not bad. Gethsemane was solid enough considering everything. The crucifixion surprisingly hit, good crying there. ??/10 since I don't think it would be fair to rank him against all those adult professional performers.

Jack Hopewell - 50th Anniversary North America tour

The only Jesus that made me cry while watching. He suffers real good (and looks very pretty while doing so). He's just so- so... I just wanted to wrap him up in a soft blanket and give him a kiss on the forehead and feed him soup. Tbh I think he's one of the best vocally too. His high note is my fav. Gethsemane in general is just great too. Love how much he's just some silly guy who then has to face the Horrors. He's just very cute :] 10/10

Jeangu Macrooy - 2024 Netherlands national tour

The most poor little meow meow Jesus ever. He's so pathetic it's great. Him smiling and being happy was also so cute. Really good vocals too, man killed those high notes. His gethsemane too... Jeangu Macrooy absolutely steels the show and it's fantastic and incredibly heartbreaking. Want to see his performance again so so badly. In the meantime everyone should check out a snippet of his performance 10/10

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[romanarose]

Hello whore! Happy birthday in advance.

What if ROF Frankie were Beatriz's bio son and Santi were the adopted kid? How would that affect their current personalities?

Also, (within the canon timeline), what if Ben weren't a slut? (Lol) Do you him and Frankie might have run away already? Or maybe Santo would murder Ben?

Rooms on Fire

RomanaVerse Birthday Bash

Okay lets get to thinking here.

Firstly.....

thats a great question. I swear I'm not trying to punish our baby here but I just don't think Frankie would fit what Beatriz would want from the savior either. Honestly I think Will would have been best suited for the role, he woul have been what Beatriz invisioned in a jesus figure; he's calm, rational, compassionate and even tempered generally but is not afraid to do what needs to be done to protect his family. As we see with him killing Melanie, he could have made it hurt... but he didn't. Yes, he hit Rey and that was shitty, but he didn't do it for funsies or rage, he did it to correct behavior. Reyansh is a.... point of contention amoung Ben, Will, and Santi, as is JOnah but Jonah is more careful. Jonah knows not to be caught alone in close proximity, not to be too goofy and silly. He know more boundaries since yes are on him after the whole delilah hollbaloo

Rey is not careful. He's a lover. Wether iris or his friends or even frankie and jonah, he's a touchy, smiley, biiiiiiiig hug kinda guy. Will is trying to manage this relationship, remind Rey he is a guardsman, not her little friend and certainly should be watching himself around Madonna. Will is naturally suspicious after Delilah.

I'm rambling omg this has nothing to do with the story

anyway Frankie in this story is passive, quiet. to quite. He's not wht beatriz wants from a god, and certainly not the savior! I havn't gone into it but she absolutly hurt that poor baby trying to make him tougher, and Santi used to stand up for him. Santi is a lot of things and certainly not a good person or partner but he is very much "mine" when he thinks he owns someone, he owns them. Madonna, frankie, Ben and Will are 'his' and in his teens did not let Beatriz hurt him.

I think Santi would be less..... like that. Santi's psyche broke with the idea of being a god and the savior constantly being ripped away and changed, mixed with his mom raising him to beleive these things, and her own mental illness passed down to him.

I personally think of Santi has BPD, maybe some other stuff. He talks about suffering meltdowns like madonna had and Frankie being the one to calm them. Madonna is autistic coded but i dont think santi has signs of autism, but rather has meltdowns from his BPD. If Beatriz wasn't a shit mom she wouldn't have done things like try to beat it out of him or lock him in closets when he was screaming as a kid. A good mom could have worked with him and he could have turned out fine. but that wasn't int he cards. I think without the uhhhhhhh "hey your a god hey no your not actually your the savior no ur not" all the time he wouldn't be this bad but ti think he'd still be rough. I think his possesiveness of frankie might be toned down. I think Santi knew what beatriz was doing sexually to frankie and since he was also fucking Frankie behind the scenes I think it was just a MESS

As for the other part....

I stand by that Ben loves Frankie. I know that most of yall dont believe me but i think he does XD in the fishben bonus chapter, symptom of being human he clearly cares... but i think he's bit of an hydrenalin junkie. Ben does crazy shit, he has no fear. he's an alcohalic and a drug user Madonna desribes him mostly in fun terms, he's childish and immature. Perpetual teenager.

I think even without the cheating... it couldnt work. I think ben could potentially run away with Frankie, because the high of the run would excite him... but theres 2 problems

1, the main reason he doesnt try to leave now isn't because he wants to fuck others. Ben could fuck anywhere lololol he certainly isnt sexually abusing Iris because he cares about hr in anyway, and all the women in delta he fucks are interchangeable

its because he thinks he's a god. he thinks they all are, he has a loyalty to santi he wont let go of. While Frankie and Santi were beaten and frankie sexually abused, the millers didn't suffer that fate. They were essentially adopted later, im thinking Will at age 10 and Ben at 7 or 6. they were on the verge of death when beatriz rescued them, leaving them both with extreme fealty for the garcia's. Ben fucking frankie behind his back is as far as he will go.

2. The high of running away would wear off, and Ben would want his life of luxery, all the dick and pussy he could ever want, and Iris's food. Hes a pretty boy, not to the most skilled in survival. he'd get bored.

I think if santi wasnt the way he was, maybe ben and frankie could live happily together in delta..... but santi is.... like that

[bentosandbox]

better late than never amirite

i think i haven't posted july (cause I thought global would have released TBC by now...) or october (commission) on here/twitter hopefully i remember to sometime this year

bonus chen edition because well i guess she is my cringefail girlboss blorbo

bonus chenswire edition

bonus bonus extremely boring stuff

films i watched in 2022 (tragedy of macbeth out of picture because it was on the next row)

top 10 (in watched order not a 1-10 ranking)

Marketa Lazarova (1967) Friend was streaming it, liked the script so much I asked my friend for the srt file after Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022) Rocks Petite Maman (2021) Personal Attack Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (2000) :) My Life as a Zucchini (2016) Celine Sciamma truly don't miss Saturday Fiction (2019) It's not a 5/5 movie but...the soul... the period noir... Nope (2022) The Spectacle dot jpg Hands Over The City (1963) yes i watched this just before il siracusano Decision To Leave (2022) yuriyaoi straight romance can't elaborate Puss In Boots (2022) i'm so glad i didn't watch this as a kid i would have nightmares, but as an adult i got to see my traumas on the big screen yippee!!!

missed a local screening of My Broken Mariko because it only happened for ONE DAY fucking insane (I recommend reading the original manga it's so good)

Speaking of books hmm

Swordspoint yuriyaoi... Invisible Ink reread. and I think I need to reread again Fire & Blood read it after watching hotd ep 1 pretty good series btw dare i say even ...the best on-screen yaoiyuri of the year... Eagle Shooting/Condor Heroes Book 1 Not bad Water Margin Didn't I write a angry rant on this. rite of passage i guess...... How to Keep House While Drowning its funny because i WILL do chores......still good though What My Bones Know - insane how trauma can be so isolating yet universal lol A Wizard of Earthsea if only i read this instead of harry potter back then lmao wow

you can now basically psychoanalyse my issues from the last three books I think

Uhhhhhhh what else am I missing - oh yeah I did 3 gamejams this year (Art/Design and a liiiiiitle bit of trying to do the UI in Unity myself instead of giving the pngs to my friends)

my abysmal steam stats told me i only played 5 games this year so I need to get back my gamer license, backlog is like 75% VNs though what's up with that (there's only 4 games but. well)

had a really long blogpost (basically a 'look at all the things you did this year you didnt waste it' thing thus the above lists) but i think i'll just keep it to my notion notes lest this post becomes a traumadumping ground ecks dee tl;dr failed a Very Important (to me) Thing early 2022 that kind of shattered any crumb of self-esteem i had and made me question everything i did onwards (especially in regards to doujin stuff) and then basically physical health issues affecting mental health and vice versa which is fun but fuck it we ball.....(try)

don't really have any solid 'resolutions' (that i would remember to do) other than to 'live' more than just 'survive' as edgy as that sounds 🥴oh wait oc zine yea yea and go into illustration full time h-haha........... should really get around to making a patreon/fanbox but i really hate the idea of paywalling

also signed up for a AK doujin event in Nagoya in March so I now have a very heavy motivation to finish the second half of my LGD doujin and hopefully I get to table at AX too dot dot dot

[limoncats]

hey, remember the tag on this post?

you know what? i'm gonna explain.

quick apology if the post sounds weird, it is currently 1 minute away from 11 pm as i'm typing this sentence.

ig this is a vent? anyway long post up ahead so !!

also apologies if this sounds stupid.

btw this post is not a self-diagnosis post

TWs for: mentions of self-h@rm, discussion of trauma

if these trigger you, don't read this! or do, but just be warned.

okay, so,

am i disabled?

alright, so am i physically disabled? no, not to my knowledge.

am i mentally disabled? i have no official diagnosis, but i am speculating. the speculation in question? this whole post

i have speculations that i have Asperger's Syndrome and possible selective mutism

Asperger's Syndrome

okay so. let me show you the symptoms and i'll explain

according to nationwidechildrens.org, the symptoms for Asperger's are:

i'll go over each one and tell you my experiences with each

now uh. i don't actually know what this means ;; but if this counts, i'll put it here: whenever i'm supposed to say basic things like "good morning," or "thank you," i can't seem to verbally? like the words don't seem to be able to come out of my mouth. it actually is more like that i don't even think to say them, so i don't. i remember this whole thing resulted in a fucking argument i had with my mother and her friend JUST because i didn't say good morning to him. as you can imagine, it was pretty traumatic. i think this may actually be more of "struggling to understand social cues," but eh.

i– yeah i can understand emotions usually (if i can clearly see it/tell based off of a person's facial expression what emotion they're feeling.) and i think my expressiveness is fine? idfk however kill me.

i can understand gestures just fine, unless i don't clearly understand what the person means? it's like if my mum points to something but i don't know where she's pointing to because i can't tell (and then she gets mad at me ;;). it might just be a thing on my mum's part but honestly i don't fucking know.

yes! irl the only thing i talk about with my school friends is CoAD since they like it too, and it's usually super awkward when i try to talk to an irl friend who doesn't know/enjoy CoAD so ;; and if they don't, sometimes i tell them about it and keep rambling on and on about it. now regarding the "convos revolving around them," part, i'm also pretty sure that's a yeah too? like yk when i ask a question like "guys what (insert thing here) am i"? i feel that i do that pretty frequent and i think it counts so ?

nah i think my speech is fine

mfw CoAD

auhhh???? i don't know i don't have memory of it so i think no

uh. if getting mad at my mum for making me do chores while i'm having fun either watching a video, talking to friends or drawing counts then uh. yeah

oh ofc. like i memorised how tall Wadanohara's familiars (Memoca, Dolphi, Fukami and Samekichi) are and when Yonaka's birthday is instead of memorising what the word "verbatim" means (it took me some time to memorise)

i don't think i'm that clumsy + my handwriting is fine and it's easy to write so

ohhhh Hm. so i can hold emotions pretty fine (it does sorta hurt to hold in so much anger) but sometimes they do come out a little and i end up like punching my thighs or something. it's happened at school before (yes, i've actually punched my thighs out of anger before)

uhhhhhhh??????? i feel like i'd have to get reeeeally specific for this one and i'm not feeling it right now

now to lights and touch i'm fine, but sound? lemme explain. so i can listen to like a video at (somewhat) loud volume while at home, but if i overhear like loud music coming from a club i get uncomfortable and i sometimes cry

so that's that for the Asperger's part, now let's move on to:

Selective mutism

i'll format it basically the same as the previous section so.

according to NHS, symptoms of selective mutism are:

"characterised by a sudden stillness and frozen facial expression when they're expected to talk to someone outside of their comfort zone" is so real ngl

anyway

yeah i do get nervous. i assume i look so too

my mum tells me i come off as rude, she says like, "hey you can't just stay silent! that's really rude!" wow mum i feel so much better! (<- lie) also i'm pretty sure i come off as sulky because whenever i frown around my mum's friends, once we're separated for something, my mum always says "suratına asma," which basically means "stop frowning." you have no idea how angry i get when i hear that my god.

nah i'm like. 99.9% sure that i come off as the opposite of clingy

yeah i sometimes describe myself as shy (sometimes is emphasised because i usually don't like calling myself "shy" because it makes me feel cringe.)

i. don't know lol. i guess so yeah? yeah i think so actually

i'm not aggressive (at least not physically or verbally), but i do get pissed when my mum asks me. ofc i don't let it out because i don't want to fucking assault mother

now i didn't include this because i don't think it's a disorder, but whenever i go through something traumatic (or the aftermath of something traumatic), i question if i'm real? like i think i sorta put myself in this sort of delusion that i'm living in a nightmare i can't wake up from whenever i go through something traumatic

also i hate looking in a mirror due to questioning who i'm looking at

i still question who i was looking at in the mirror that one day to this day.

i'm not sure if this is dissociation because i don't understand the definition of dissociation, or if it's part of a disorder. i did suspect DPDR, but i don't know i don't think so ? i'm also not sure if this is just puberty with the whole "questioning who you are" thing (though i think that's in terms of identity, not fucking questioning your REALITY 💀)

have i tried getting a diagnosis?

yes, i have, actually, so let me explain:

i wrote a text document to my dad about my speculations on having Asperger's, but he just laughed it off and said "i've met people with autism and you're NOTHING like them haha!!!" which was just. okay dad.

he suggested i tell my mother and i agreed

now this is when things go downhill 😭😭

so i told my mum when i went back to hers and she also basically had a similar response but she agreed to get it diagnosed one day.

then some time later she tells me that i might have to wait 2 years to get my diagnosis so 💀💀💀

and then one day i start telling her that one of my school classmates recommend talking therapy and all of a sudden she gets all hostile like "why do you need to label yourself? what difference does it make? it's unnecessary" which is VERY funny considering this woman is a FUCKING SOCIOLOGY LECTURER WITH A PHD.

we've had a couple arguments about it and it still pisses me off. she even practically made fun of me to her friend's husband when i went to The Netherlands last week and she was like, "yeah i think her generation has a weird obsession with needing to label themselves?" mum do you hear yourself. oh i'm sorry i want to improve my mental health by knowing what's up with me and attempting to get support.

SPEAKING of trying to get support once diagnosed, during one of our arguments over if diagnosis really does anything at all, in response to her saying, "what do you do with it?", i said, "i can well. try and get support ??" and then HER ASS responds with, "THERE IS NO SUPPORT."

FUCK YOU MEAN THERE IS NO SUPPORT???? YOU'RE A SOCIOLOGIST YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THERE IS.

i haven't told either of my parents of my speculations for having selective mutism, though i feel it'll just go the same as what happened with the Asperger's shit so

i think my parents just have stereotypes of autism that i don't fall into so thErEfoRE YoU'Re noT aUtistiC!!!!11!1!!

anyway so that's practically it. thanks for reading what absolute insanity i've gotten myself into, and also what state my mental health is in!!! (ofc this isn't the entirety of my mental health lol.)

have a good day/afternoon/evening/night ♡

— limoncats

[mozart-the-meerkitten]

9 and 12 for the ask game :3

9. "a story from your childhood: *all the things I remember from my childhood suddenly desert me* uhhhhhhh, oh, here's a kind of funny one: so when I was in first grade one day, at the end of the day, I tied myself to my chair. There was no reason for this, the dress I was wearing just had strings and I wanted to tie myself to my chair (it was probably the undiagnosed autism tbh). And, um, I tied myself to the chair really well. I could not get the knot untied. Multiple adults could not get the knot untied. I was Stuck to my chair now and it was dismissal time. And no one could get me untied so they had to cut the strings off my dress. I was very distraught over this (both at inadvertently causing so much trouble AND at losing my dress strings) and, while I don't think I ever decided it consciously, from that point on I resolved I would become SO GOOD at untying knots that I would NEVER be in this situation again. And to this day, 21 years later, if you need something untied or untangled, no matter how awfully knotted your necklace strings or jump ropes, I can and I will get them untied. (and if you need your shoelaces tied really well I'm also your girl xD)

12. "good advice you want to share": don't tie yourself to chairs kids! j/k, j/k Hmm, okay, here's some: don't be afraid to say no and walk away from things. Yes, even things that you think you're already committed to. That "you can leave" meme is right, you can walk away from almost anything. Will there be consequences to that? Yes. Is it sometimes the right thing to do? Also yes. I left two job positions last year because of toxic, harmful people who would have ruined my mental health if I'd stayed, and yes there were consequences, but they were so much less than if I'd stayed and suffered through. And you've just got to weigh that in your head and decide what you're willing to put up with and then enforce those boundaries. It's hard, it is terribly, terribly hard, but it's worth it.

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

hiiiiiiii we havent sent you any asks for some time. mostly because kanra didnt front much

[idk if you can recognize us after all the url changes]

ereyesterday our their of pissed suggested getting into an outpatient psychward and told us to think about it. and silver[headmate] made a post on the tumbler saying that this could be a bad idea because somewhat recently i made a hole in a wall and less than a week ago Lyra messed up a cupboard. as if we're the only ones who on occasion damage stuff when angered. this is literally so mean for no reason.

also. a few months ago shinra had an accident with a knife. and we got a fun new 1 inch long scar and possibly a little bit of nerve damage or something. and we were supposed to get some reminder tetanus shot around a month after that since i had no idea when was my previous tetanus shot. and i uhhhhhhh didn't get it since i'm scared of doctors, and it would probably seem quite weird if i went to a doctor about this now

also im sorta balding but. scared of doctors so cant do anything about that

last sunday i was in some social studies class or some other shit. and the teacher said something about how lgbt people were never oppressed in this country. which is a very bold thing to say as someone living in a country in which like a quarter of the area declared itself a "lgbt free zone" and only calmed down a little when the european onion told them that that's probably illegal. and i decided to argue with the teacher a bit. one of the things she said was that sometimes there's dudes in pup masks on pride parades, which invokes disgust and thus should be banned, and. idk why but i kinda expected teachers to have a bit more common sense than 14 year old twitter users. also i came to school wearing a spiked dog collar on a regular basis. [for reasons unrelated to kink.]

well. good thing i'm failing every single one of my classes lmao. at least i won't be invoking disgust in fragile old ladies

also. i just met a doggy and he was very niceys. very soft and friendly. and polite also.

- toby

HOW COULD I NOT RECOGNIZE U MY BESTIE IN CHRIST <3 u changed ur url a binch of times but ur icon remained the same sdlfndnfkjsnsdf so i was able to keep track!

i however do not understand a single word of that first paragraph. if u want my advice, DO NOT. FUCKING GO. TO A PSYCH WARD!!!!! idfc Who it helped, it hurts a lot more than it helps, theres NO WAY to tell which psych wards are good and which are shit. no really let me go thru them all rn:

REFERRALS: most professionals that work in different offices do not know each other on a personal level and may never hear of their bad stories. a doctor that was the chillest coolest doctor id ever met referred me to a psychiatrist that sucked fucking ass shit. there is no way to know for sure

GOOGLE REVIEWS: im gonna b real i dont trust some of those mfs. you seen the guys that go into psych wards? a lot of mentally ill people r internalizers and just accept whatever happens to them, and even if they arent, society looks down on the mentally ill SO MUCH that they could b told "you deserve this bc ur crazy" and due to all this societal gaslighting, theyd agree

REVIEWS ON OTHER WEBSITES: same thing lol

why is this so important? because you cannot Fucking leave a psych ward. an outpatient ward yeah you can leave, but ive been to both in and outpatient and they excert the same level of bullshit control over their patients. in outpatient, one of the therapist told me "you are not mentally ill" and made me cry lol. she MEANT to mean it in a "you're not mentally ill, you're ~suffering from a mental illness~ uwu dont let ur disorder define you" kinda way, but that concept was introduced in therapy..... two days after she told me this. like hello? and then she tried to spin it as like, it was a problem with Me i.e. My PTSD Was Triggered and not She Is Dog Shit At Timing The Explaining Of Concepts.

this place also invited my abuser into group therapy even after me incessantly telling them "this is my abuser, she will use all this against me" and yeah guess what she did immidiatley after lol

dont go to wards.

WRT THE KNIFE: damn :0 thats insane dude, hopefully the nerve damage will heal but from experience its gonna take like, a few years at minimum lmao. i had a Knife Incident involving my pinky and the nerve damage was so bad that i couldnt hold scissors w my pinky in the scissor loop thing but evenchually it got better but it took like 4 years. if the knife was clean and not rusty ur risk of tetanus is pretty low i THINK, do not quote me on this. if ur scared of doctors, look into if ur pharmacy offers tetanus shots! some pharmacies have vaccinations other than flu and covid (which i need 2 get lol rip) so u might be able to get one THERE and not see A Doctor about it!

u dont need a doctor for the balding. minoxidil my dear boy, its at walmart, its the stuff thats in rogaine. you want "minoxidil 5%" thats whats in rogaine, theres "minoxidil 3%" thats For Girls but idk ive never heard of anyone having a problem w it. IT IS TOXIC TO CATS THOUGH IT IS VERY VERY TOXIC TO CATS IF YOU HAVE A CAT DO NOT LET THEM FUCKING TOUCH YOU OR RUB ON YOU UNTIL IT DRIES ok? :) id google more if i were u but boom. problem solved. i am the doctor now

"dog masks invoke disgust and should be banned" babygirl disgust is subjective and like, someone could use that logic to ban whatever YOU like, or Are. maybe someone is really disgusted by lil old ladies bc the wrinkles look gross as fuck to them. should we quarrantine the grandmas?

also lol at the dig against 14 year old internet puritans and then surprise surprise guess what happened on This Very Blog while this ask was sitting n collecting dust!! i gotta b on my best behavior bc theres a nonzero chance that The Feds will be looking at this blog (did u know u dont report cybercrime to local police and instead theres a form on the fbi's website? Well Now You Know!) and that goes 4 all of u too. bart please be good..... for the love of GOD please be good....... please tell me yall know that simpsons scene

also also yay doggy!! was it a regular dog or a dude in a pup mask? either way very fun n cool!!!

[dove-tears]

about time I make a pinned post lmao

Howdy, hi, hello, to all who may be newcomers or followers for awhile now, welcome to my absolute disaster of a blog, nothing about this place is consistent and for that I'm sorry. </3

I mostly like reblogging art and silly posts, so expect such things for the most part.

Aliases I go by:

Dove, Mattie

Pronouns, age, all that fun stuff:

she/her/they, minor (that is language for "don't be a weirdo, please"), autism/ADHD riddled as fuck B)

Disclaimers:

although I try my best to keep this blog a safe SFW space I tend to forget to tag stuff so please don't be afraid to reach out to me if you'd like anything filtered!

aside from the usual criteria, I'm not really one to be makin a whole DNI list, just don't be an ass or weirdo to me or others and we're all good. Though be warned if I feel something sketch abt you I may block you.

Tags:

#my artwork - where you'll find all my art

#insp - stuff that fuels my artistic endeavors, and maybe it can for you too :)

#text post/#headcanons - where I may infodump about my blorbos idk I don't use any other tag very often djfhdkjfh

Current hyperfixations/interests:

(Do note these change very frequently)

The Binding of Isaac

DragonVale

My Singing Monsters

Warrior Cats

Wings of Fire

Other blogs/places you can follow:

Littlest Pet Shop

Monster High

Rain World

(This space is a WIP so be on the lookout for more to come!)

-I plan to make an art sideblog eventually I'm just a lazyass djfkkfkglg

-@ask-the-wubbox is currently left up for archival purposes, don't know when I'm gonna return to it or if I ever am going to, asks are turned off.

-My Twitter, even though it's been months since I've touched it

-My Reddit (cringe I know)

-uhhhhhhh insert future soon to be Carrd here lmao

Kinlist:

you may have my mental illness for getting this far, as a treat.

[schumigrace]

tyyyyy jd ilysm (@formula-red)

name: grace

sign: aquarius in every sense of the word

time: 14:49

favourite band/artist: sam fender, queen, coldplay idk I can't choose

last movie: st trinians lol

last show: doctor who loooool

when I created this blog: a year ago but I've been on and off tumblr for a while

what I post: F1 brainrot, liveblogging my shitty mental health

other blogs: a doctor who blog made by my 12 year old self that's the only one that survived my deactivation spree

do I get asks: yes but I ignore a lot (sorry) unless they're from my moots or I'm in the mood for a fight lol

followers: 382

average hours of sleep: 6

instruments: self taught bass guitar, guitar, very very limited piano

what I'm wearing: grey trackies, a sam fender tshirt, a kimoa hoodie. feeling sorry for myself because it's literally August and I'm still freezing cold

dream job: uh I thought it was what I'm currently doing but now I'm not sure. I've wanted to work in climate research since I was like 5 and I love love love being in this industry but recently I've just been needing something else. idk what tho

dream trip: either going back to Croatia to see some islands I missed last time, or spending a month or so seeing either Germany or Iceland again

favourite song atm: uhhhhhhh good question probably ålskar by nina nesbitt, vincent by don mclean or cherophobe by the royston club

tagging with absolutely no pressure: @theflyingfin @rossocorsaseb @ellearts and anyone else who wants to <3

[bones-sprouts]

hi i watched good omens because i saw u posting about it and now i'm 10x more mentally ill. so thank u for that.

and do u have any good fic recs

thank u either way have a great day

WHATTTT FOR REAL???? my influence. come off anon we are best friends now!!!! mental illness wins forever!!!!!!!!

uhhhhhhh i havent gotten back into reading fic yet and i cannot vouch for the quality of the stuff i read in 2021, i really like @/moonyinpieces stuff though its so good. also @/aziraphales-library is basically an archive of a buuunch of fic and its all really well sorted

[sodafrog13]

tagged by @richardhlm !! ty for the tag dick ^-^

tagginggg @cowboyinthesand @l-i-n-u-s-k-a @lucky-of-the-draw @xcartoonmaniacx @agostosuov1 and any other mutuals i have! just say i tagged u (i'm drawing blanks rn lmao)

1. Are you named after anyone?

this mf

(but in terms of my irl name, no)

2. When was the last time you cried?

uhhhhhhh march or april, i gave myself an anxiety attack at like 3am lol

3. Do you have kids?

behold my son (and my son's son as well)

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

sometimes, but not usually with malicious intent

5. What sports do you play/have you played?

i used to do ballet if that counts! i don't think i was every very good at it but it is smth i'd wanna get back into one day i think

6. What's the first thing you notice about other people?

they way they're dressed! i like giving compliments if i like someone's fit

7. Eye color?

dark brown

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

happy endings but i'll watch anything if it interests me enough

9. Any special talents?

i like to think i'm really good at wrapping gifts!

10. Where were you born?

skipping :V

11. What are your hobbies?

video games, various creative related endeavors (drawing, cosplay, and cross stitch most notably), collecting vinyl, and mall walking ^-^

12. Do you have any pets?

no, my roommate took the kids in the divorce (we used to own a fish together)

13. How tall are you?

5'2", shorty club for life babey ✌🏼

14. Favorite subject in school?

i've never really known how to answer this one honestly, i don't think i have one. but in terms of classes i most enjoyed i really liked my psychology and sociology classes this past school year; the professors i had were a real treat

15. Dream job?

realistically? nurse, it's what i'm going to school for right now. but i have mentally toyed around with the idea of owning some sort of tea/boba shop!

[nerves-nebula]

I AM GOING TO EXPLODE WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT EVEN IS THE MOVIE

LIKE IT IS SO FUCKING GOOD IT IS AMAZING LITERALLY STUNNING FASCINATING FACTUALLY AWESOME

BUT IT IS SO INTENSE LITERALLY EVERYTHING IS AIMING TO TEAR YOUR HEART OUT HOLY FUCK

I am going to sit here and process everything that happened and maybe watch it again later what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck. How do they start it with Mikey dying and then have Raph almost die and everything happening and LEO SACRIFICING HIMSELF?? DONNIE STILL PUTTING HIMSELF IN HARMS WAY TO PROTECT HIS BROTHERS EVEN WHEN HIS BATTLE SHELL BREAKS? DONNIE MERGING WITH THE SHIP, LIKE THAT IS AN EXPERIENCE WHAT. I KINDA THOUGHT IT WOULD LAST LONGER? PROBABLY BEST THAT IT DID BUT OOAOAOAOAERLKG

ALSO it's SO much darker than I expected )as you can probably tell aekrgmaelkrgm) but ALL THE BODY HORROR?? THAT IS LITERAL BODY HORROR NOT JUST FUNSY GOOP. THAT AIN'T MELTED PLAYDO THAT IS FLESH AND BLOOD AND GOOPIFIED CREATURES. I am with Donnie here that is LITERALLY my worst nightmare <- ever since I was 4 I've been haunted by nightmares where people melt in some fashion. IDK why but this triggered it in the wildest of ways (not negative?)

I am shaking this movie has fundementally changed me as a person. This movie is an experience that will separate my life from "before" and "after" watcjing this movie. I am going insane how DID THIS MOVIE GET OKAYED?? I AM NOT COMPLAINING IM JUST SO SURPRISED! Kinda wondering if they are having troubles making a third season because of the tonal shift of the TV series and this movie, like things were DARK here and there were even guns, blood, cartoony gore, like aeRLGMalekrmglakermg <- idk how to put into words but YEA

I'LL SEND SOME THEORIES AND STUFF LATER I AM JUST SO FERAL RN.

ALSO SIDE NOTE near the end of the movie when Donnie was left without his battle shell for a while my brain was like "HEY you know what would help our ptsd? a battle shell, because we hate the feeling of having no weight on our back/no level of protection" so I've mentally been planning (while fully immersed in watching the movie? brains work in weird multi level ways)

So ANYWAYS I've come up with a rough idea on how to make a battle shell contraption of shorts that doesn't require tech, just some skills and materials that theoretically are extremely easily accessible, I just need to do some research, measurements and a bit more planning and I think I know how you could make a lightweight makeshift moves-with-your-back-roughly back protector/shell of sorts. I'll update you on that if you want, just gotta check my thoughts on the flexibility vs durability balance

your making a fuckn!! battle shell??? i wish i had a battle shell ;_; thats SO COOL. good luck with that!

i can personally say that the entire time donnie wasnt wearing his shell had me on pins and needles i was sO TERRIFIED HE WAS GONNA GET HURTTT agAUGHAUH

I'm pretty sure the movie came out AFTER the show was cancelled/"paused" so I'm not sure if it had any affect on the cancellation, or if it was just darker cause it had to have more STAKES than the average rottmnt episode. OR if the show was just gonna go into detail about the krang later anyway (which was foreshadowed in the show itself im pretty sure) and it was always gonna be this uhhhHHHH SCARYYYY.

But so far Rottmnt has a tendency to make previous villains more monstrous (my personal theory is so that they can go HARDER with the fight scenes lol) like they did with Shredder who was basically a huge fucking scary BEAST. so I think the Krang being SO FUCKING BODYHORROR ASS SCARY is fitting. Still got spooked when Raphs shell got fuckd up tho!

[papytonpropaganda]

First of all: happy new year, hope this year will turn out great for you

I was actually just checking your blog today and was wondering what ur up to.

Idk, got anything to ramble about? What about Walls, or any other kind of fanfiction, have you made any progress or got new interesting ideas? I am honestly very curious about any kind of new information lol !!

thanks so much, same to you!!

it has been,,,,, very hard to write for the past several months. I have completed like. a single one-shot and a drabble since last August. my job is just so soul-sucking, the people who shop at the store I work at can be very unkind and entitled and dehumanizing, and I'm finally coming to grips with the fact that it is actively damaging my mental and physical health and it's not worth staying even if it's more convenient for my bosses. I will miss a lot of my coworkers, but I just can't keep doing this. I'm hoping to find somewhere quieter to work with a different clientele, and to stay part-time this time so I'm not expending all my energy at my job.

fortunately, just the thought of leaving is giving me a little more energy, so I'm planning on getting back to writing today, hopefully more regularly. one of my friends made a little Papyton Christmas prompt list over the holidays and I really want to write for it even if Christmas is over, lol. I also want to do some drabbles for the Asgorecember event I (barely) helped run, start a couple new series, and work on some old fics that haven't been updated in a good while. I also really want to take requests again, so I might do that later this month.

as for Walls, I haven't really had a chance to convene with Pixie (now a co-creator of the universe/timeline Walls takes place in) lately because of the holidays, so not much has been done on that front, but if I'm lucky and I'm able to find a better job, we might be able to set up regular times to work on it. we are still aiming for May 2024 for the release of the first chapters.

I've explained the current plans for Walls in this post, but to tldr (since it's a bit of a long post), the main story is now going to be split into 3 fics due to the large cast and the complexity of the material I'm working with--one fic will be Papyrus's POV, one will be Mettaton's, and then the last fic, when both individual arcs are wrapped up, will be a mix of both for the final arc.

I've been trying to avoid titling anything, but I listen to too much music so I've already got tentative plans from song titles/lyrics. I've been dying to share them so I'll put them under the cut at the end of this ask in case people don't want to be spoiled.

so uhhhhhhh yeah that's that. very excited to hopefully make a writing comeback!! I've missed sharing things with you all.

potential titles for Walls fics under the cut, please do not look under the cut if you don't want to be spoiled!!

Papyrus fic - "R.E.M." (based on "R.E.M" by Ariana Grande)

Mettaton fic - "song of the caged bird" (based on "Song of the Caged Bird" by Lindsey Stirling)

Final arc - "sweetener" (based on "sweetener" by Ariana Grande) (still waffling a lot on this title tbh)

[mulletmitsuya]

Toman groupchat

Warnings: swearing, mentions of suicide and violence, descriptions of suicide (basically a brief description of what Baji did), suggestive

Baji: mkay I'm gonna ask them

Draken: why do you guys have no respect for people's privacy? it's their business not ours

Smiley: you're so fucking boring oh my god

Mikey: yeah Ken-chin it's not a big deal it's just a question🤕

Draken: A QUESTION THAT COULD MAKE THEM UNCOMFORTABLE. LEAVE THEM ALONE

Draken: and Mikey I know you're only doing this cause they've been spending time with Takemichi

Draken: you literally threatened Inupi

Mikey: It wasn't threatening I just spoke the truth

Mikey: I found Takemichi first. So he's mine

Draken: HE'S NOT SOMETHING TO BE OWNED HES A HUMAN BEING WHATS WRONG WITH YOU

Baji: *gasps*

Baji: has Draken finally figured out that Mikey is mentally ill and needs help😮

Mikey: haha you're so funny I laughed 😐

Smiley: I'm adding them

*Koko and Inupi have been added to the chat*

Inupi: oh

Inupi: hello

Koko: isn't this a captains and vice captains groupchat?

Koko: why are we here?

Baji: initial

Baji: *initially

Baji: *initiative

Baji: how tf do you spell it

Smiley: initiation??

Baji: yeah

Smiley: dumb bitch

Smiley: can't believe you got held back again, school just isn't for some people ig

Mikey: YOU GOT HELD BACK AGAIN?

Baji: stfu

Baji: you try getting 2 fatal stab wounds and being in a coma for 4 months. fuck you guys

Mitsuya: and he went to jail

Baji: nah they put me in a psych ward since they considered it a suicide attempt, which was kinda unnecessary imo

Draken: ...because it was

Mitsuya: you stabbed yourself in the stomach with the intention of dying

Mitsuya: it was a suicide attempt...

Koko: uhh

Koko: should we go...?

Inupi: yeah we don't really know what you guys are talking about

Mikey: we just wanted to ask you guys a question

Draken: istg

Mikey: what are you gonna do Ken-chin??🤨

Mikey: exactly, nothing so stfu <3

Draken: I'll fuck you

Mikey: ...I mean

Mikey: not gonna say no to that 😇

Draken: *up

Draken: I'll fuck you up

Draken: wait what

Mikey: ...

Mikey: uhhhhhhh

Baji: LMAO CAUGHT IN 4K

Smiley: you guys are getting off topic

Angry: I don't think this is a good idea Smiley

Baji: fuck it I'm tired of waiting

Baji: Koko, Inupi

Baji: are y'all homosexuals

Baji: and are y'all in love with each other??

Smiley: surprised you could spell all that

Koko: ......pardon?

Smiley: who the fuck says pardon

Smiley: now I know he's gay

Smiley: gay people can't talk normally

Smiley: instead of saying "that's cool" they'll say "it's slaying absolute penis"

Smiley: true story I heard Hanma say that

Mikey: Hanma isn't normal, we don't talk about him

Inupi: I-

Inupi: ❓

Smiley: stop acting like you're confused answer the question

Draken: they're being dicks you guys don't have to answer the question

Mikey: Ken-chin you're being homophobic

Mikey: If you guys are gay I'ma need you to understand that Takemichi's already taken so like stay away from him <3

Koko: we're not gay

Inupi: .....yeah

Inupi: not gay

Inupi: and not in love with each other

Inupi: yeah

Baji: it's not like we're making fun of you everyone in Tomans a lil gay

Baji: like me, Chifuyu and Kazutora are in a polycule

Draken: wow okay, didn't know that

Baji: Mitsuya and Hakkai are together

Draken: i-

Draken: really???

Draken: why dont you guys tell me these things

Baji: Mikey's says him and Takemichi are together but I don't believe him tbh

Mikey: 🤨

Koko: we're not gay, and we're not in love lol

Inupi: mhm

Baji: I don't believe you

Mitsuya: Baji let it go

Draken: I just think you guys should tell me these things

Draken: I didn't know Hakkai and Mitsuya were dating

Mitsuya: we were keeping it on the downlow cause y'all are assholes and you ruin everything

Baji: I won't deny that

Draken: it's true you guys do ruin everything

Mikey: ok I'm gonna head over to Takemichi's house Ken-chin come over

Draken: why? you just said you're going to Takemichi's house

Mikey: I'm tired so I don't wanna drive

Draken: 😐

Draken: ill be there soon

Smiley: free Draken 🤕❗

Inupi: ok we'll just leave now haha

Koko: yeah this was uhmm... something

*Koko has left the chat*

*Inupi has left the chat*

Mitsuya: y'all suck tbh ☺️

Mikey: and you swallow

Mitsuya: and what about it

Mikey: oh

Draken: Mitsuya?????????

Mitsuya: bye <3