#i'm still scared for school
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I suppose me stressing out about school isn't that weird. I haven't done full in-person school days since 2019. And knowing this is my last possible year of school sort of makes my existentialism about time kick in. I'm going to be 20 in February. I'll be a 20 years old with no friends besides my dad, and with a severe dependency on my dad.
But my crippling fear of being judged for my horrible temper and moods and interests keeps me too closed off to even make friends. So I'm pretty much suffering an existensial crisis, pining for time to just stop. If I could only remain at 18 or 19 forever, I could accept that. But the more things change, the more I feel this crisis affecting me. It's not great. sigh...
#i'm still scared for school#but i also feel so burnt out that i almost can't keep worrying#sigh...#autism#asd#neurodivergent#autistic#my thoughts#adhd#actually autistic#audhd#vent#venting#existential#existensialism#vent posts#vent post#vent tw#existential crisis#existential dread#stressed#stress#overthinking
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i'm ready to try
#This drawing is kind of personal to me#I recently graduated (CUM LAUDE WOOOO!!!!) and its like. not to get depressing#but when i was younger i was never sure whether i would make it to this point#When i was going through what i consider to still be like. the worst time of my entire life#This fictional character was there for me and she was something for me to latch onto and cope with#eGem helped me a lot with being able to process my emotions at the time but also helped me to reflect on myself#which i think is a big reason as to why I'm really happy with where i am with myself right now#I'm going off to uni next school year to study astronomy!!! which!!!#Im also doing because of eGem!!! She ignited this kind of childlike wonder for space for me#I love doing math and physics and whilst Im still a bit scared because. honestly i don't know whether this is what i want to do with my lif#I think i'll be okay either way#either way i wanted to draw egem again even if i haven't done so in a while because its like#i think i wouldnt be who i am without her. i think i'd be a lot worse off#so like. thank you empires smp thank you geminitay thank you egem This drawing is me expressing my gratitude#AND THANK YOU AUTISM!#empires smp#empires smp s1#empiresblr#esmp#geminitay#art#fanart#alice.art#mcyt#mcytblr#song is andromeda by weyes blood... obv.. you guys know me by now :oP
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Ya'll don't get me wrong, I love love love fluffy series. I mean, MSP is my favorite series of all time! BUT, that being said, I really hope that GeminiFourth stay paired long enough to have a darker BL plot together. We know from MC that they can pull off angst really, really well, so one of my main hopes as a Gem4th stan is seeing them together long enough to be able to enjoy at least one BL with them as the mains that has a darker plot.
#i know i talk about how much i don't want them to split up all the time and i'm sorry#but ya'll i can't help that my brain hates me and thinks about it so often#and i'm pretty sure that their moms & staff have said they'll be together still for GMM2025 but i can't help but be scared#at the end of the day i just want what's best for my babies tho so who knows what that will be in a year#geminifourth#gemini norawit#fourth nattawat#gemfourth#moonlight chicken#my school president#my love mix up#thai bls#thai bl#gmmtv#gmmtv bl#Jay's saying stuff :)#Jay's talking BL ;)
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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I just need to be told "You Can Do It" right now.
#I've gotten about 3 hours of sleep within the last 48 hours and I'm still behind in my classes#I don't know how I'm supposed to keep up at this point#Just grinding constantly for hours every waking moment of my life#I'm stuck wondering the same things#'When will it slow down?'... 'Will it actually ever slow down?'#If it doesn't i don't think i can keep up#Full time in college and full time in work#However#every time i try to speak my troubles or stress to someone they just chuckle#and ignore me saying ''well college is like that. welcome to the adult world''#Why does college have to be like this? why is everyone so fine with this?#I'm very unmotivated right now#My grades are all low despite the numerous 100%s I've been getting#And they're not going back up no matter how many A+ s I get on assignments#I don't like talking to people - it scares me terribly#So i don't like it when I'm constantly forced to talk to over 10 people every time i go to school (talk to your professor they say#I like to think of my job at my second home#at least that's not too hard and i love the people#But I just need things to get less intense school-wise#Just for me to get a decent amount of sleep please#Just a little bit#Please#i don't know#I'm not going on hiatus no worries#I love my blog dearly and cannot abandon it for my mental health#I just need encouragement#Because I'm so tired#Sorry for the rant I hate to vent#I'll delete this later if i remember#💬
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anyone else feeling fundamentally incapable of adjusting to society. also just discovered there's a 30 tag limit which i can't believe i've never hit before
#like it was one thing when i was in high school and college like wasn't socialized as a child due to not receiving schooling and growing up#sda blah blah whatever but like i'm almost 27 and i am barely functioning lol like i feel like i'm struggling to have a normal conversation#even more than i used to and i think my speech cadence is noticably off which i don't think it always has been#some of it is definitely from chronic exhaustion from having to get up too early and the stress of having a frequently panic inducing boss#but like. come on now. i can't even drive despite finally having a license because i'm too scared/distractible/poor reaction time#over a dozen antidepressants have not worked. adderall is not working great either#i'm SO much dumber than i used to be and it's driving me quite literally insane#i don't even think it's from getting covid in july because i was noticing it before although it definitely became way more noticeable after#i got this job. i've never been this bad at a job in my life and it's something anyone who knows me would assume i'd be good at#it's embarrassing. i cannot fucking remember anything i struggle to do the most basic of arithmetic to fill prescriptions i make the same#silly mistakes multiple times i am constantly asking stupid questions and still somehow fucking up all the time#it's not as bad as it was a couple months ago and frankly i'm shocked i haven't gotten fired i keep thinking that's going to happen#of course i wanted to quit this job four months ago but now i'm at like a sunk cost fallacy point unfortunately#this is obviously not like any kind of career position for many reasons but i don't know what else to do unless i move across the country#again. i'm not even qualified for anything besides animal related things and summer camp which are fine obviously but not great if you want#things like benefits or paid leave or not to get burned out as hell lmao#i don't even feel like i could do any customer service jobs because i literally struggle to put a coherent sentence together on the spot#everything is so slow. soooo slow i'm literally losing my mind which is catastrophic because my mind is all i've ever had going for me#and i'm having kind of a horrible existence lately which is exacerbating all my problems except the problems make it mostly impossible to d#anything to fix it. ok going out and doing some fun stuff for a day makes me feel better that's great. except then i need a day after that#to recover from doing things the previous day. so the only feasible day for doing things would be saturday. except on saturdays i'm#recovering from working. i literally only work 4 days and barely over 30 hours it's Not that crazy. i mean the boss is crazy and the job ca#also be crazy obviously but 30 hours a week is minimal compared to other work schedules i've maintained before#anyway but the most i can do after work is go to the store if i need to but i almost never have energy for anything fun#and the fucking bus doesn't run on sundays and walking miles to get literally anywhere takes a lot of energy i don't have#i'm about to move next weekend and i'm dreading it because it's going to be so much work and i'm so fucking tired#and i don't have any friends to help me with cleaning i might be able to get help moving my stuff but i'm not even confident about that#i might have to rent a uhaul but i would honestly rather pay somebody to help because i'm that scared of driving even for one 30 min trip#whatever....sorry i had to feel bad for myself in the tumblr dot edu tags again i'm not in therapy rn#(<- guy who should be in therapy)
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birth certificate came in and I'm obsessed that I was born at exactly 7:59 like what an odd number
#omg kiera no one cares#also love that under if multiple there is just a line because i was born first 🤸♀️#astrology bitches does the time i was born change my chart at all or am i still good I'm scared to look as I've been using that chart#since my friend did it for me in high school on a whim
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okay lol mini rant in the tags sorry i just HAD to get this off my chest 😭 sorry if this is very incoherent and poorly worded or structured or whatever i'm just. pretty out of it and i cannot really think to write this properly. well, that or i am probably just illiterate actually. Yeah that's it lol
#why are friendships so complicated#in my last year of senior high school at an all girls school#i transferred last year#and it's just cliques left and right#they all hate each other#i'm the type of person who can vibe with all of them even if their personalities are very very different#i am kind of friends with everyone in the sense that i can find common ground and have interact comfortably and enjoyably#my friend group from grade 11 (theyve been friends w each other for so long and i was the newcomer) dissolved this year bc things went down#i dont know the full extent of what happened#but those five friends split and three have merged with another group#the group that isolate my other two friends and seem to not like them#at least the “leader” of the group anyway. Not so sure about the rest#and now i am stuck in the middle lol. I have other friends from other groups but they have their own groups#the three girls already have each other and the new group (it's kind of a mix of me excluding myself on purpose and them not including me#in things presumably bc i am still “close” with my other two friends they don't like#it is a weird dynamic because me and the other group the three other girls merged with can vibe with each other#we can laugh with each other and enjoy each others company when theyre not talking shit (they rarely do it in front of ppl so i havent rlly#seen the full extent of it)#and also my two other friends are obviously closer to each other than with me since theyve been friends for way longer#i remember i had a conversation with one of my friends from the three girls that split away#it was something like i have to tell the class this and that etc since im the president#and i am not a very assertive person i am also very scared of being disliked. I told her i didn't want the class to hate me and she said#“everybody likes you you are friends with everyone”#it really doesn't feel that way. why do i feel like secretly they are talking shit#again i dont even know why we split up#but now i am just. Stuck in the middle#the thing is ive never even heard my other three friends talk shit and do nasty stuff with the new group/the main clique of the class#i havent seen the bad side to anything that i hear whispers about because ive never seen it#i havent been subjected to it either#i feel like i am wrong about a lot of things but i am just. blind or too deep into my people pleasing tendencies to not realize shit
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ABSOLUTE TERRITORY ‼️‼️🩵☀️
youtube
#dhmis#dtiky#dhmis manny#dhmis solar system#I HATE SCHOOL I CAN'T STILL DRAW THR ASKS AAA#have this for now....#dont hug me i'm scared#Youtube
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Can’t help but think how Kalego does his weird wing-like bangs just like Narnia. I was re-reading Kalego Gaiden and I noticed how his signature bangs weren’t a part of his ‘schtick’ as a child.
Nor at the time when he was chosen to be the next watchdog of Babyls.
At first I thought everyone in the Naberius clan might have the same hairstyle as Narnia and current adult Kalego, but Kalego’s Uncle didn’t. It’s just an adorable fluffy and messy tuft. (I’m not counting the horn-like cowlicks since these are a signature trait of all the Naberius’s as confirmed by Osamu Nishi)
During his time as a student in Babyls, you can see a bit of a ’style change’ in his hair.
Even the thought of changing his hairstyle from the one he is currently adopting was out of the question!
During the flashback sequence after Opera’s punch, he remembers his older brother’s words:
Narnia being the first person he thought off before he was about to ‘lose consciousness’ means that he obviously holds him in extremely high regard and respect. All younger brothers admire their older siblings.
Osamu Nishi confirmed that the Naberius household consists of Kalego, Narnia, their uncle, and their father. Since it is evident that their father worked in Border Patrol that means he clearly wouldn’t have the time to take care of his children. Also assuming that their is no Naberius mother in the equation, and knowing that the Uncle is an irresponsible deadbeat, the brunt of the household was left on Narnia’s shoulders. Being the eldest sibling holds enough responsibility on its own with a level of duty and dependability that comes with it.
This is why Kalego obviously sees Narnia as a responsible, calm and collected individual. Even their Uncle was intimidated by his authoritarian behavior.
Essentially, almost all younger siblings have the innate desire to mimic their older sibling. They want to look like them, act like them and mostly want their approval. The first time Kalego fully adopted Narnia’s hairstyle with the side swept bangs were during his youngin days as a school-teacher trainee. Ponytail included.
And in the end we ended up with the full package (sans ponytail):
That’s why a part of me is extremely fearful about how Kalego would react if Narnia were to have returned to his demonic origins. It would be a major blow to him seeing the person whom he follows by example reduced to someone that succumbed to primal desires. His older brother, Narnia, whom he placed on a pedestal, whose existence is probably vital for his own sense of self - has let him down. I can't even imagine the whirlwind of emotions he will go through if that were true...
#M!IK#Kalego#Mairimashita! Iruma-kun#Naberius Kalego#Naberius Narnia#Iruma-kun#Welcome to the Demon School#Yoooooooooooooo I'm so scared#D=#I'm still crossing my fingers about whether Narnia is sent as a sleeper agent to delve deeper into the Six Finger's plans#Please my heart won't be able to stand the angst#T_T#Kalego sensei#Kalego Naberius
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Trying to think of a plus side to going back to school, considering my stress over not really having a notes app, having stomach issues and being stuck going for full days from 7/8 am to 2 pm. So that's all stressful. But i think i found one slight positive: if i can get past my stomach pain and tough it out for a full day, mahbe i'll actually manage to have a lot of time for reading. That'd be nice. That might mean I get more time to read stuff. So maybe it'd reinvigorate my hyperfixation in Percy Jackson and stuff. That might be considered a loose plus. But i have to hope i can still manage to make notes about the book as I read at school.
#I'm still really worried#so this is me trying to make myself less scared#is it working?#i don't know#i'm probably still going to school tomorrow though#sigh...#school#high school#back to school#school issues#school problems#school nerves#stress#stressed#percy jackson#pjo#pjo hoo toa#rick riordan#riordanverse#riordan universe#books#autism#asd#vent#rant
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what about the future designs do you not like specifically? I think they look really nice, especially when claudette has a mime pattern skirt to really compliment her yellow jacket! do they just not "fit" the characters quite yet? maybe her jacket can have bright red polka dots!
Thanks!
mmm, I think it's mostly Charlie. I'm never satisfied with his future designs. He kind of just ends up looking like Kingston with curlier hair.
I also generally don't think about what the Cirque characters would be doing beyond this first year of them ruling, which is the comic, so I'm like, wait no, you're not supposed to be older than this even though it's been 8 years and I'm now the same age as Kingston and Penelope. Time just keeps happening. 😨
#anon#future#charlie#kingston#doodles#there are webcomics that i started reading in middle school that are still going#i cannot draw this comic forever#but then what?#I'm scared 🙃
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yall y'all y'all I always forget that like. I post public art. On a public account. Like I don't realise that people actually SEE my art or think about it or whatever. Bbut. My GOODNESS. this month I have seen my art in the wilderness and I AM. TERRIFIED???? HELLO???? PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT MY PUBLIC ACCOUNT????? it's so scary goodness me. ANYWAYS KNOW THAT IF YOUVE REFRENCED MY ART AT ALL I DO KNOW. I HAVE SEEN IT AND I AM PROBABLY FREAKIG THE FUCK OUT GOODNESS ME. IM JUST TOO SCARED TO RESPOND BEYOND LIKE. A LIL EMOJI REACTION. HHH
#I AM SHAKING WHAT THE HECK#WH#I WAS RRADING A FIC THE OTHER DAY AND OUT OF NOWHERE THEY QUOTED ONE OF MY DRAWINGS.#LIKE. WORD FOR WORD. SAME CHARACTERS AND ALL. AND IM STILL SO CONFUSED LIKE WAS THAT ON PURPOSE#AM I READING TO MUCH INTO IT#AND DISCORD OUGH DISCORD GOODNESS#I SAW. I SAW THIS PEROSN USING MY JACK AND NURM AS REFRENCE OH MY DAYS.#I LOVE YOU#YOU FW MY DESIGNS???? 😭🩷💥💥💥💥💥🎉🎉🎉🎉#AND AND#I SAW ONE OF MY DRAWINGS IN A MINECRAFT SERVER???????? HELLO?????????#THAGS THE WILDEST ONE I FEAR WHAT#AND! I STILL HAVENT GOTTEN OVER THE FACM THAT SOMEONE (cough mikyona couch) DREW MY ZOMBIE NURM OH EM GEE#SORRY ITS LIKE 8 AM I STILL HAVENT WOKEN UP FULLY SCHOOL IN TEN MINUTES LOOSING MY MARBELS#EL OH EL#bbbbut like. OUGH ramblings. But seriously I am both freaking out and scared and OOOO PEOPLE LIKE MY ART EHEHEHE !#Whenever I'm tagged in something I'm usually asleep and only see it like seven hours later so I'm scared to respond 😞#Not name dropping anyone (except mikyona sorry mate) cause that's scary and also don't know their tumblers 💔#Me when I realise that I do in fact exist
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#btw did an interesting exercise in acting class today which was meant to make us more aware of our main characteristics#which will be the ones that will inevitably come up in the characters we'll play#and potentially get us a job but anyway#we had to write down three things about each of us and anonymously give them to eachother#i was terrified#like ok i want to know in details what you think of me but my own image of myself is so evanescent that being perceived is scary af#the thing that came out the most is that I'm empathetic#which I honestly wish i were more. idk sometimes i feel like I'm faking it? not in a mean way just imagining what it would mean to be in#others' shoes and what would be the appropriate way to deal with that but not necessarily feeling it ik#which is basically fundamental for that job so mh. not completely true but ok#then that I'm brave??????? my siblings in christ I'm afraid of my own shadow#that I'm sure of myself?????#and then the one that hit me the most which said something like 'you make me want to be your friend' which is. ouch.#not for them but because i keep thinking and rethinking about that one classmate in high school that told me#'i don't want to be your friend because you're always sad'#and that hurt#and now this#i know I've changed#i met a high school teacher the other day and i realized how different i was since he knew me eight years ago#i know he was probably stunned by it#(also he told me i look prettier but I'm quite positive he was talking about me being anorexic in those days lmao)#tw#anyway point is. i wish 18 years old me would see me know#i think I'll do that exercise i did in class where i met my inner child but with my inner teenager#she was so alone and scared and everything was so unfair to her#i wish i could tell her hey one day a lot of people will love you even if you'll still feel alone sometimes but everyone will look at you#when they need a kind smile or a gentle hand and isn't that beautiful? to have such an impact to these people?#even because they're younger than me#and maybe they look at me and think it's gonna be ok when they're older#even if they feel a bit lost now
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perhaps it is pointless to go to a bakery in the dead of afternoon. however i am craving pastries so this is what it has come to. also i only have one marker and it's about to die so i have to make an appearance at the art supply store but i am not putting on a bra for this. post of getting myself to dress and leave the house.
#going to the bakery is so hardddd that's where the french people are...#french people are so scawy#i'm less scared of them than i was in high school but it's still like. oh god what if they give me that look#EVEN IF WE AREN'T SPEAKING FRENCH. i feel like they can tell
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i hope every person who makes fun of food allergies has a warm pillow on both sides and has wet socks forever and ever. I hope they have a paper cut and then get lemon juice on it.
#“peanut allergies aren't real lmfaoooo” I'm going to shoot you with a bean bag gun#I see a lot of fucking jokes about people with peanut allergies and it just pisses me the hell off#like hi I'm the person with the peanut allergy here#did you know that i have done 8 years worth of desensitization#and taken medication daily then weekly for the same amount of time#just so I could live my life being able to eat more foods#and not be scared of death#and that I still have more common food allergies that can also kill me#and wherever I go I have to hope that there's something safe to eat and that the kitchen staff won't cross contaminate things#or when I can't eat food at school sometimes bc the only meal they have has shellfish and the alternative has been contaminated within#five minutes of the lunch line being open#and I have to skip lunch#this is such a random rant out of nowhere but I just saw a post about#people ignoring food restrictions/allergies/etc and it just reminded me of my own issues#thank god I haven't had problems since I was a toddler bc of how vigilant my family and I have been#I used to tell people on Halloween when I was little I had nut allergies#instead of saying trick or treat#yeah#sharkz rambles in the tags#lots of tags to read rip#I could a made this a separate post but whatevs#food allergies#rant
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