#i'm sorry for the person i became

[tobiasdrake]

I'm feeling very nostalgic today. And I just want to take a moment and offer appreciation for the characters who raised me. These were my role models growing up. Characters I adored, who inspired and shaped the person I was becoming.

Characters I wish I'd never let go.

But I've found them again. And bit by bit over several years, I've been reconnecting with the person I always wanted to be. And I'm going to give them a little space on my blog to remember how much they once mattered to me.

This is my childhood in no particular order. I'm just going down an emotional rabbit hole here.

Cordelia Chase ~Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Makoto Kino ~Sailor Moon

Mimi Tachikawa ~Digimon Adventure

Misty ~Pokemon

Aladdin ~Disney

Nabiki Tendo ~Ranma 1/2

Starfire ~Teen Titans (DCAU)

Princess Ruto ~The Legend of Zelda

Locke Cole ~Final Fantasy VI

Lucca Ashtear ~Chrono Trigger

Yakko Warner ~Animaniacs

Blossom ~Powerpuff Girls

Abe ~Oddworld

Samus Aran ~Metroid

Johnny Cage ~Mortal Kombat

Jason Lee Scott ~Power Rangers

With honorable mention to

Lara Croft ~Tomb Raider

Who never had a chance to guide me, but instead could only watch me fracture.

[teaboot]

if ur a murderbot nerd now do u have any fun opinions abt it yet?

Oh my goddd you have no idea

I really, really, really like Murderbot because it comes at life with this perspective we don't often see that is very real among people who have already been through traumatic experiences, who developed skills and abilities to suvive that were once useful but no longer have context- that search that traumatized people go through to recalibrate and reorient ourselves in a world where we no longer really need those things to survive.

A bit personal here, but my own issues personally involved a lot of psychological abuse that made it difficult to trust my own perceptions of reality, and as a result I found I was very easy to lie to and manipulate.

To handle this, I became obsessive over writing things down, cataloging details and making notes of things as they happened- I'd carry recording devices and make audio recordings and stay up late at night to transcribe what they'd picked up, read those over and over again to reassure myself of things I wasn't certain about.

While doing this, there were others close to me that I felt responsible for, who I had to protect from others and protect myself from at the same time. Life was about two things: Evidence, and defusing threats

Over time, I learned to trust myself as my memories matched what had been recorded where their narrative didn't, but I never really kicked the habit. Like Murderbot, I had added something to my own programming that reassured me I was safe, that I was in control of myself, that I couldn't be mistaken or crazy or broken or used.

I'm only on book two, but already I see myself in Murderbot again. No spoilers here, but when I left home- left that dangerous context- I didn't need to repeat these patterns to survive anymore, but I still did, because I didn't know anything else anymore. It felt safe, comfortable, knowing knowing that the past couldn't repeat itself, because I'd written that flaw- blind trust in myself-  out of my programming and replaced it with something else.

Still, though, I'd become something specially suited to thrive in a very specific environment. Nothing else felt right like followinghigh-risk situations, like witnessing and watching and recording and knowing I had proof of the truth where others might not.

People took notice. I wound up in security by accident, but's an environment that I thrive in due to the same patterns and behaviours I originally developed when I had no other choice. I climbed the ladder pretty quickly, once supervisors caught on that my reports were the most accurate, most objective, most factual, detail-oriented and timely. I keep others and myself safe and prioritize public safety above all else, and I perform well under pressure

Now I'm in a position where I often wonder, do I enjoy this job, or is it just what I'm good at? I have a set of skills now, but do I have the option of choosing not to use them? What would I be, if not this? Could I be anything else? Can Murderbot be anything else?

It has a set of skills that set it apart, make it different, special. It does what it knows best. But is it free? Does it want to be? What does it want? Does it have to do what it was built to do? What if it didn't?

I know what I'm good for. The idea of deliberately leaving what I'm good for for something uncertain, that I might hate, that I might be useless at- the choice to give up what was so important to me for so long and become deliberately obsolete?

Let go of my entire purpose? The only thing I know, that I fit so well into but don't actually know if I enjoy? Now that I can choose? Now that enjoyment is a luxury I can afford to consider?

Yeah, that resonates.

I like the Murderbot series so far because it feels the way I feel: Like the most significant and formative part of my story, the part where I became what I am, has already happened

And now I have to just. Keep going

Into... what?

It feels absurd. Like a microwave giving up on reheating food and deciding to start a life around abstract dance.

So, uh. Yeah. It's really very wild to see this same philosophical-ish dilemma I've been digging over in the back of my mind and in therapy for the last forever laid out so plainly in a genuinely exciting and enjoyable story like this. I feel much less alone, and I... kind of really need to see how it resolves, I think.

So, uh. Yeah. Read Murderbot, I guess

[humbuns]

birds of the same feather?

[uncanny-tranny]

I'm begging abled people to stop saying, "I'd rather die than have [disability]!" or, "how could you not choose to die?" about disabled people being disabled. This especially for those who have an acquired disability.

Maybe this sounds harsh, but if you value the function of your body to the point where you would sacrifice your life over it, that's your business and solely your business. However, that disabled person exists right now. They exist in the same world as you, with a disability you personally would rather die than have. They are alive right now. How the fuck are you going to choose to treat them? Because telling them or implying you'd want to die than be like them is certainly not a good sign.

[rebtrovert-girl]

Even if you fall into the middle of the ocean, you have the confidence to swim out, but you fall into your first love and begin to struggle, unable to escape.

[jessamine-rose]

*lovingly tackles Aine*

Read my Yandere! Pierro longfics first ♪( ´▽｀)

Last week, my beloved mutual @ainescribe surprised me with Savior! Darling fan art and AHAI9232@2-!/! CRYING SCREAMING I WANT TO LOOK AT THIS ART AND WORSHIP YOUR VERSION OF SAVIOR THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BLESSING ME WITH YOUR ART—

*clears throat* Anyway, now that I finally have the time to properly sit down and comment on the fan art, I’ll do just that. Feedback will be in the tags and it will be unhinged. Once again, thank you so much to Aine for drawing this <3

[dhaaruni]

This is so petty but I'm annoyed that my friends in DC became friends with each other through me and now they hang out constantly and are the best friends ever while I'm trapped in Seattle alone

[lesbworth]

web weaving for the buddhist and taoist monks from dream of the red chamber by cao xueqin ✨

[harrowscore]

why are you, as an adult in 2024, still hung up on reylo. why are you still mocking the shippers. why do you believe yourself to be superior only because you dislike a stupid ship from a fucking space fairytale. girl (gnc) get a grip

[tankgotstuckinthecircusgate]

if scars don't make man look good then being alive sure does

[rabbithaver]

every so often i will see a post from a leftist on this website that is so egregiously ableist that i remember that like. oh yeah the userbase of leftists on this website is violently anti-disabled people and will jump at any chance to demonize any of us for any reason. i just forget that fact because i'm extremely dedicated to curating my space

i'm paraphrasing here but i saw a post that said, "every time i see an American [disabled person] mention being scared about the election because they're afraid of losing their benefits i have to laugh. anybody who wants blood-soaked money from the US government deserves to starve" which. like. goodness that's a lot to unpack. i think we should burn the whole suitcase instead !

[moe-broey]

LIKE!!!!!! BEING TRANSGENDER BEING QUEER IN ANY WAY ISN'T HARMFUL BEHAVIOR!!!!!!! IT'S LITERALLY NOT EVEN A BEHAVIOR!!!!! IT'S JUST A THING THAT YOU ARE!!!!!! And SOMETIMES. You act accordingly! You may change your name and pronouns! You may seek HRT! You may look into surgery! You may only do a few of those things or any combination of those things (or maybe even none?!), whichever works for you and your sense of self-actualization. BUT. Doing ANY of those things. Is NOT HARMFUL BEHAVIOR!!!!!!!!!!! And in the sexuality department! If you have "same sex attraction" as they like to call it. Also not even a behavior. It's just a thing you Feel. But of course you gotta moralize Feelings, too. Forget about it!!!!! And if you Act on it. That's still not harmful. Who are you harming? Giving a little kissie to your same gendered homie???? Or getting handsy????? But on God. Do not get me started. My MAIN POINT. Is that there is literally no harm. There is nothing to correct here. There is nothing to fix here. Except for the hatred in your heart!!!!!! Your fear of the unknown!!!!!!!! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME ONGOING EVERLASTING TRAUMA OVER THIS THIS IS FUCKING STUPID‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

[auphelia]

-

[misty-metropolis]

Bits of my innerworld are elaborating using fiction the same way my parts do. For example, the tunnels that connect my sidesystems have become the Distortion Corridors from The Magnus Archives and occasionally my parts will get sucked into them and trapped. Hostile internal architecture is a bitch.

[tigergendermoved2tigergender]

Remembering the toxic hellscape that was 2015-2019ish SU fandom and just how much hate the show got is really insane when you rewatch the show after it's been a while. Like the show is good what the hell were any of these people talking about

[0ann3]

Quickly drew this because I just gave up on working on my papers lmao- (I still got around 5 days to finish it so it's fine)

I was supposed to draw him on his Dorm uniform (since that was the card I got from the recent banner), but I suddenly remembered the reason why he became my one of my top fave

which was because of this one scene/screenshot

I literally paused for a minute because I was trying to figure out if his genuine default expression was an angry one that I never noticed w/ glasses or if he was squinting bcs he had a terrible eyesight. He was already a a favorite of mine, but he just immediately jumped to very high on my list after this for some reasons (most likely because of that expression that made me pause KASJHAKSjh)