#i'm so. i'm so incompetent. no matter what i do it'll never be enough. i can't take back my mistakes and shortcomings and

[cerbreus]

it’s been a hellish last couple months dealing with being caught in the crossfire between incompetent rental car agency that is mad at me and incompetent car insurance company that didn’t tell me the person handling my claim fucking QUIT and MY CLAIM WENT FORGOTTEN FOR MONTHS and it still isn’t resolved in fact things have gotten worse and tbh, when i have major stressful setbacks in life, my body and brains’ response is to just. not. do anything. just shut down. intense fatigue, inability to focus on literally anything because the background level of stress is so high.

[rose-lizzzy]

[Previous Part]

"Katherineeee!!!!" Sausage called before landing in the Overgrown.

Katherine soon came out of her home to receive him, Pearl, and... "Gem!" She ran to hug her, she also turned to Sausage. "Are you two okay? I received the ping in my communicator last night, and-"

"They are okay, Katherine. Fortunately, Sausage's plan..." Pearl turns to him. "That he didn't tell anybody about, worked."

Sausage coughed. "But, in any case we came here because we need your help with something..." He signals with his hand to Gem's arm.

Katherine immediately got close to it, and started examining. "Mmmm... I have never seen something like this before..." She got up and started walking to her apothecary, signalling the rest to follow her. "I suppose that the corruption and dark magic goo was slowly consuming and replacing your arm, Gem."

Gem just tightened her grip on the amethyst crystal on her hand.

Fwhip landed on the Overgrown around midday, he wanted to see if Katherine would have some energy potions, since he was running out of the stash he had from... It didn't matter, he just needed some.

When he got close to her apothecary he was able to hear her voice, he was about to call her when she also heard Gem's voice.

"So... I won't be able to move it ever again?" Gem sounded so distraught.

"I wouldn't say ever... more like... it will take time... and maybe some mechanical help..." Katherine said. Gem sounded like she started to cry.

"Hey, think positively about it, we could have matching arms now... hehe..." Sausage tried to calm her down.

Fwhip tried to peek just a little bit, to seee what was all about. He saw how Gem was laughing a bit with Sausage commentary, and he turned his attention to her arm, her very injured looking arm.

He went back into hiding. And after a few seconds of pondering, he nodded, and took flight back home. He could get his potions later.

Pearl was discussing things with Katherine, and Sausage was watching Gem.

Gem smiles slightly, looking at Sausages arm, briefly looking at her own, before squeezing the crystal again from nervousness.

Sausage takes her messed up hand with his braced arm, and Gem smiles a little bit more at that.

Pearl turns to the other two. "Alright. It sounds like potions or magic won't do it. We need some mechanical help. Shall we go now?"

Gem remembers just how bad the interactions with her brother...the ones that... apparently had been real? Either way...just how bad they were. She knew there was a reason Fwhip hadn't come to check on her.

Sausage wipes a tear off her cheek. "Hey, relax. It'll be okay. You're better now."

She nods slowly, and the three take off to the Grimlands, thanking Katherine and waving goodbye on their way.

Gem was quiet as they touched down in the Grimlands. She curled in on herself walking through the streets of her childhood

She shakily climbs the stairs to her brother's laboratory, or forge as he called it.

Her legs shook with anxiety, and she almost tripped a million times.

Sausage knocks on the door, and Fwhip yanks open the door, enough for him to peek through, but not for them to see inside.

"Hey Fwhip! How's it going?" Sausage asks nicely

Fwhip narrows his eyes at his sister, who was focused on the crystal in her hand.

"It's going fine, I'm just being an incompetent leader. As usual. Right, Gem?"

Pearl gives him a sharp glare. "Fwhip!"

Gems eyes tear up, and she shrinks backwards, curling in on herself as she tried not to cry.

Sausage groans. "Look, Fwhip. Gem's better now, but she's been left with permanent damage... Her arm in particular...she can't work it. And I know you've made my brace, so we were wondering...."

Fwhip shakes his head. "No." The door slams in their face.

Gem sinks towards the ground, crying harder and Sausage tries to keep her up with a disappointed groan, while Pearl continues to pound on the door to try to get Fwhip back.

[thunder-the-ranger-wolf]

Someday I guess, someday at best

Some post I can’t remember got me thinking about cousins and them showing up for each other randomly and I have word vomit over a fic I haven't touched in years.

Phil Coulson and Tony Stark are cousins in the way that Peggy Carter and Howard Stark were friends. They show up for each other. But that's more Tony dropping in at random times and Phil knowing when he's needed. Here's the latter.

AS KIDS

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Being the best cousin ever. I brought ice cream and apple juice."

"You're weird." "I can go-!"

"Mine!" Tony snapped, springing forward. "You said it's for me."

"I said I brought ice cream and apple juice."

"You're the worst."

"Yap yap yap."

"Say, we're cousins, right?"

"Yep."

"Then how come my dad and your grandma are the same age?"

"Men can have kids until they fuckin die or something and women can't."

"That's bullshit."

"Sure is."

"I wish my dad was dead."

"Someday."

LITERALLY RIGHT AFTER THE WORST OVERSEAS TRIP EVER

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Being the best cousin ever. I brought that detox shit that worked on Annie. Figure you'll want something to kick the shakes."

"Shakes stopped a week ago. Just nightmares now."

"Ain’t that a damn shame... I'll think of something."

"Good luck with that."

BATTLING IRON MONGER

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Being the best cousin ever. Pepper's fine. You were a dumbass last night and I'm pretty sure I need to get my ears checked."

"Join the club, pal, that thing never went on the market for a reason."

PRE-PRESS CONFERENCE

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Being the best cousin ever. I brought good news and bad news. You have a press conference. I tried to tell Fury you'll nix his idea but he wants you to see it anyway."

Tony snatches the paper from Phil's hand and gives it a once-over.

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. What, does he want me to split myself in half and call the clone whatever the press is running with?"

"He wants you to not die."

"Fair enough. Now what's the good news?"

DEATH PARTY CLEANUP

"The fuck're you doin 'ere?"

"Being the best cousin ever. I brought burges, Supernanny, and a fuckton of cleaning supplies. You and me are gonna get this place back to some form of habitant and we're gonna bitch at those incompetent shitheads while we do it."

"Why should I? Not like it'll matter in a few weeks."

"It matters now. C'mon. We can get burgers and ice cream after."

KIN GETS FIRST CALL PT I

"The fuck do you want?"

"I'm not the person you want to see. I'm sorry I don't know if you’ll ever see him again."

"He's alive?"

"It's touch-and-go. I came to give you the room he'll be in when he's stable."

"Thanks, I guess. Fuck off."

"Fucking off."

KIN GETS FIRST CALL PT II

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Being the best cousin ever and the most alive I've been in fuck knows how long. You got any ice cream?"

"Sure do. Check the freezer. You tell your spy twins yet?"

"They're on leave. He'll, so am I right now. Catch me up. What season of Supernanny are we up to?"

SHIT'S FUCKED AND SHIELD IS DEAD

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Bout to be the worst cousin ever. I brought the worst movie ever, some ice cream, and everclear."

"Everclear?! What the fuck?!"

"You're gonna want it after you see this."

"Phil, what the actual fuck?"

"I need you to watch it first. Before I lose my nerve. You need to know."

"Fine, whatever. I was having a bad night anyway. Jarvis is scooping up as many of your burned folks as he can."

"Great. Thanks. Not why I'm here."

"Play the damn tape, Jarvis."

"You're gonna want the everclear in the ice cream and a fuckton of it."

"Why?"

"Don't ask."

"I'm damn well asking, Phil, why the fuck are we falling off the wagon?!"

"It's... it's about the drunk driver."

"Shit. Pour the damn can into the ice cream. What the hell came up after all this time?"

GUESS WHO'S BACK

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Being a loafer. I bring absolutely nothing but chaos in 3... 2... 1..."

The elevator rang and out trooped the fuckers who decided to live there. Tony exhaled the world-weariest sigh he could muster. "Is that Coulson?!"

"Yep."

DEAGING OF ULTRON: THAT'S NOT HOW CODE WORKS PT I (STAND DOWN)

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Being the best cousin ever. You're going to bed. This code can wait."

"I just got-."

"No. You're getting sleep and probably checked out tomorrow. Fuckin touching random glowing shit. You're just like your father."

"Says the carbon-copy grandchild of the spoilsport."

DEAGING OF ULTRON: THAT'S NOT HOW CODE WORKS PT II

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Getting you the fuck outta here. Jarvis's backups kicked in. He's missing maybe a week or two, but he's stable."

"Thank you. Really thought that fucker killed him."

"More of a whack to the head. Let's get him up to speed, yeah? And call in some reinforcements. If this Ultron is half as smart as Jarvis, we're still very fucked."

AT SOME POINT

"Say, if you're cousins, why were his grandma and your dad the same age?"

"Men can have kids until they fuckin die or something and women can't."

"That's bullshit."

"Sure is. Thank God my dad is dead."

"Cheers to that, pal."

"Couldn't have happened to a more deserving person."

"Winter Soldier fucked him all the way up."

"I wish he'd left my mom alone."

"Me too."

"I'll see her someday."

"Yeah. We'll see them someday."

[artistic-argonian]

Just something random I felt like putting out into the void. Rambling, venty paragraphs below the cut.

You know, I'm getting pretty tired of having thoughts and feelings of inadequacy and inferiority for random reasons, if any reason at all. Especially as all I can do about it is either sit there and stew in it in hopes that it shuts up for a bit, or vent about it and end up talking in circles or repeating myself to the point I'm sure people are sick of hearing about it and wish I'd just shut the hell up, learn to stop hating myself and listen to them already.

Whether it's because I'm incapable of things I should really be able to do at my age because of incompetence, not being interesting enough as a person to stand out in any way that matters without being annoying, worrying people see me as immature or childish, or the fact that being aro means I can never be anything but "just" a friend to anybody. That even though that's the most meaningful bond I can have it's one that to some, if not most people, means nothing compared to someone you're dating even if it's only been for a few months, vs years of friendship. It hasn't happened to me yet but I'm worried- no, terrified that it will someday; that I'll end up being cast aside or put on the back-burner when someone more important inevitably comes into the picture, who can bring my friends happiness that I never could... And there's nothing I can do to stop it because I'd care far more about my friends' happiness in that hypothetical situation than my own. My feelings in that scenario wouldn't, and probably shouldn't, matter.

I just wish I could love myself as much as I love everyone around me without feeling selfish or wrong for it. I feel like even accepting a compliment without downplaying it is pompous and arrogant of me. Even though I'm told not to compare myself to others, and I've told people that myself time and time again, I always do it and find ways that I'm inferior. Less interesting, less engaging, less worthy of praise or love. I see friends struggle with inferiority complexes and always think, "Buddy, you have no idea what it's like in my mind on a regular basis, so I GET IT." Anything people like me for I feel like I'm almost a cheap knockoff or bootleg of someone else, like my "likeable traits" are the same ones other people have, but they do it better. I try to be the stable and reliable friend but when it comes to dealing with my own thoughts and emotions I crumble.

I'll get through it, I know I will. I just wish it wasn't a cycle that makes me feel guilty every time I go through it, because I feel like it annoys the shit out of my friends (hence why it's here where less of them are likely to see it). Their words and kindness do wonders, it's just the thoughts don't stop because it's so deeply ingrained in me. The question of, "But what if ___" is always in the back of my mind, it's just quiet until it isn't and then I can no longer ignore it. But it'll quiet down again... Eventually. I'll just have to ride it out, and this is the last time I'll try to mention it until then.

[sylvaridreams]

4, 7, and 12 for alba and auruim PWEASEEEEEE :3

ask game! -- you can tell it's late and I'm very sleepy, I'm meandering through these answers as if I don't know that the shortest path between two points is a straight line...

4. How do they feel about their past/younger self?

Alba I think is quietly nostalgic for the way things were when he was a sapling, before the world grabbed onto him and shook like a dog that wouldn't let go. Some part of him wishes he had never become Commander, had never taken the steps to become who he is now-- but he also thinks that's very selfish of him to feel that way, and wrong, and so he quashes the feeling down and tells himself that his younger years don't matter to him, that he wouldn't willingly return to a time in his life where he was blissfully naive and happy and unaware of how badly everything out there wanted to hurt him.

Auruim views his younger self as a weakling, incapable of self defense or fulfilling any kind of meaningful destiny-- and then of course, beneath that he's sad at the loss of his own innocence, that he could be failed by the world and left unprotected so young. In some ways I think he still mourns the person he came from, that he lived such a short and sad life before being turned into something twisted and ugly.

7. If asked to list a few fun facts about themself, what would they say?

I think Alba would lie and claim to be very boring to get out of answering, and again Auru would run away from the question entirely. Alba is secretive and private and Auruim is a prey animal in the body of a monster and they're both very boring to ask open ended questions about themselves as a result. Booo! I'll answer for them then.

Alba sleepwalks when he's stressed, can technically "cook" but can't follow recipes and it never turns out great as a result, and has low alcohol tolerance; so low that he's drunk after one drink and starts openly saying things that he maybe shouldn't. Auruim wears glasses -- but has to be forced to wear them, and they have several backup pairs on standby for when he inevitably breaks them on accident or in anger. He can't eat sweet foods without getting sick but gets jealous when people have things that he doesn't, likes to draw but gets angry and embarrassed when people see, and isn't allowed to drink at all out of fear it'll impact his health and the reform process.

12. Generally, what's most people's first impression of them? + What impression do they *want* to leave on others?

I think the first impression Alba leaves on most people is maybe kind of overshadowed by him being The Commander. People tend to be so awed and overwhelmed meeting him that they don't notice any incompetence in the moment. Obviously the same isn't true in Elona, Cantha -- places where his role is unknown and he's just some guy who shows up and starts doing shit. Aside from having to deal with all the paperwork and bullshit, Rama thought it was funny just how clumsily Alba managed to trip and fall through the Mists and fall flat on his face in Seitung. It was almost kind of cute, in a helpless, hapless kind of way. As far as how Alba wants to be perceived on meeting people, he definitely wants the title that he's earned, he wants that to come first and color how people see him off the bat, otherwise people will notice he's kind of a fuckup. He realized during SotO that he really Did Not Like not being recognized for his accolades and made to prove himself all over again, especially while badly wounded and isolated and far from home.

The first impression Auruim has on people is fear and a sense of wrongness. People notice him out of a crowd right away; he's big. He looks strange. He looks frightening. I've tried to explain that basically, although they don't look "mordrem" to themselves anymore, my mordrem look "mordrem" ENOUGH to other people to scare them. It's sort of a sense of wrongness, an almost uncanny valley -esque feeling that these aren't sylvari. Auruim wants people who meet him to respect him and think he's clever and competent and deserving of praise, but that's rarely the case.

[im-a-goddamn-cat]

vent time 💯

i keep stressing out about my orientation... ik i'm bi but idk if i ever actually want to have sex or a romantic relationship and it's stressing me out so bad bc i feel like i'm running out of time to decide. ik i'm not but it feels like i am bc i'm almost 23 and have never had a romanitc relationship or have sex and it seems like everyone around my age and even younger have/had these things already. also idk if i'd be considered aspec or not... it's probably just preference if i wanna call myself that or not bc you don't have to be aspec to not be interested in sex/romance but idk... but like yeah i feel like i'm running out of time to decide bc i feel like it's at a point where it's like now or never bc if i do end up wanting to try romance/sex, it'll be too late bc who would wanna be with someone as old as me with no experience?? which is stupid but yeah. but it doesn't matter anyways tho bc i'm very ugly and socially incompetent so no one would wanna be with me anyways... i don't even have friends irl

idk if my indecisiveness is bc i'm actually not that interested in romance/sex and i'm worried about what other ppl will think of me if i don't pursue it or if it's bc i'm scared of having sex/a romantic relationship and that's what's keeping me away from the idea of it

idk it's like. rn i have the feeling of if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't and i can see myself being happy either way?? maybe?? but i feel like that's not good enough and that i have to choose one side over the other and idk why.

idk but anyways i'm crying rn over this 👍

[jotunvali02]

That's why I had stop searching for work and enlisted to a supposed qualifying training that supposedly gives you a job with 100% certainty at the end.

And now I'm here at that bullshit again, cause even THAT didn't work.

That fucking bullshit that fucks up my mind so easily, that brings you rapidly crazy, depressive, anxious, near mad... because even 10 years later it's the exact same, ignorant and paternalistic bullshit.

I'm autistic. I'm not retarded or a fucking infant! So stop bullshitting me with your fake care when you don't even listen to me or never even talked with me!! What you care about is your fucking ignorance and ableism!

It really feels I'm going mad. And I can't sob out loud or scream or bang my head so full of fucking useless knowledge! Or all of the fucking building will hear me.

Seriously, what was the fucking point of that 2-years training if no one will give me a chance to just put them into practice?? Even unpaid practice? WHAT WAS THE POINT?? What's the point of having so many skills and qualities and knowledge if no one cares about it, if everyone always prefer incompetent but experienced and "normal" people??

I see so many fucking people who have the job I want and I'm trained for and who almost have no fucking clue of what they're doing but have that fucking cursed "experience" everyone demand (at that extent, you'll run out of experienced workers and all you'll have left are unexperienced pathetic fuckers like me. You'll just have to close your business and be in deep financiary shit like us and it'll be so fucking deserved!) and who are PAID to do that clueless work!

I have so much more skills and knowledge and seriousness and dedication but hirers always prefer incompetent but "normal" over disabled people, and God forbid if they're autistic or have psychiatric or mental disorders!!

Tell me how s/o is supposed to have years of experience when they've just finished their training AND are disabled/neurodivergent??

Who the FUCK matches ALL of that??

And then you wonder why people in job centers scream or sob or even become violent?

ONE guy, just ONE job center guy & his signature so I can do sth useful and fulfilling in my fucking life and he won't help or even talk to me anymore, while he's the ONLY ONE who legally can help! Not me. Him!

Yes, that's fucked up but that's how French system works, baby!

I've exhausted all the fucking possibilities I was told to try, ALL of them. Only HIS help, only HIS one fucking signature can help me now to have a real, decent job. Or else I'll just belong in the trash. Just because of ONE all-fucking-mighty jerk.

But he won't listen to me. NO ONE listens to me because THEY know my life and my capacities better then me apparently!!

My opinion, my experiences, my life, my voice don't matter. They never did.

Especially to people who HAVE the power and capacity to help. But how the FUCK can you help s/o if you won't listen to them and decide what's better for them instead of them??

The view of a different person just repels or disturbs them "normal people" and their poor little certainties too much. I'm too stupid or too confused to talk about myself or talk at all and they, the clever and caring grown-ups who know everything better than us know better than ME about me!

But look where it leads me: a fucking DEAD END!!

A fucking dead end I'm told to run into, over and over, and over, and over, and over again. Maybe I'll go through it I smash myself into it enough times like they seem to have been "advising" me for 10 fucking years...

(i should use that metaphor if he ever reaches me again...)

I'm going mad, madder and madder...

Maybe that's what they and this fucked-up system intend to. Thus, no crazy and retarded freaks to take care of or work with, pheew... And we'll stay where we truly belong, in a coffin or a fucking asylum.

Because of this sore bullshit I turn closer and closer to good for the psychiatric institution.

[darkforestdreams]

Uh, hey! I'm so, SO sorry it's been a while or talked on your more recent posts. Life has sucked and it only recently started becoming bearable again...

But I have fallen into this exact mindset before, even more so as of late; that I'm a lazy, whiny, selfish b**ch. That I'm incompetent and inconsiderate no matter what I do to try and be helpful, and what few things I can do it is never enough. That every time I open my mouth I f**k up and hurt someone or make my family's lives more difficult because I say something, ANYTHING, remotely wrong.

I've had plenty of moments where I just want to curl up on the ground and apologize again and again to everyone I've ever known until I shrivel and turn to dust.

But please don't get upset for me, okay? I'm saying all of this because I think I can relate to what you're saying here.

From what I can tell from your posts I want to say that you may have made mistakes, but you were emotional and what happened on SaMS hurt you and a lot of other people. We all have knee-jerk reactions, and even if we know we shouldn't act on them... it still happens sometimes. It happens ESPECIALLY when it involves something hits you in the heart, and/or it's done by people you genuinely liked.

But it sounds like your friends pointed you in the right direction. I'll admit that I was a little concerned over how Sun's treatment by fans triggered you, but I didn't--and still don't--know if bringing it up would've been appropriate. If I should have done that, then that's on me.

It's impossible to live a life without making mistakes and having regrets. Trust me, I've tried.

I think you mentioned arguing with other fans and saying harsh things? Well... not the best thing if you started it, but I'm certain what you said wasn't nearly as big a thing for them as you seem to feel it is. And if they were hurt? They'll heal, and it'll be okay in the end.

(And if they were a bunch of toxic jerks? If they provoked you? Then they deserve to snapped at. If they've made the choice to be stupid and mocking and incessantly harsh, they don't deserve kindness until they clean up their act.)

As for the vent posts you've made here? You've done NOTHING wrong with that. It's okay to feel hurt by something/someone, and I've learned the hard way that you HAVE to let those emotions out in some way if you want to avoid having a meltdown.

I haven't watched any of the Security Breach shows for a long while--mainly because Sun turning to alcohol and Solar dying got WAY TOO CLOSE to what was happening in my life. As for what Davis and Reed said and did? I am fully supporting you, but I don't think I can really have a legit opinion on it because I haven't really looked into this situation and, really, I don't want so much as dip a toe in it if it's as toxic as you said it is. I fully believe what you and other people have said, but I haven't seen what they said exactly or watched THAT video. But if they really did what they did and hurt you and other members of their own fandom so badly, serious shame on them for that behavior. I hope they can learn from it.

But those people who harassed you out of nowhere?

SCREW. THEM. WITH. A. CACTUS.

I feel sick..

I wish that I didn't get carried away..

I wish that I knew better..

It always end up the same..

I upsetted everyone..

I just should leave..

Why am talking so much?

Why am I always like that?

I'm ashamed of myself..

Why I had to keep saying all of those things?

I just should keep all of this to myself..

Nothing would've happened then..

It's all my fault..

And I can't even fix it now..

I can't go back in time..

I don't know VAs so I can't tell them everything..

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I know that my apologies won't fix anything..

It's all good for nothing..

Just like me..

But please don't worry about me..

Please don't worry about it..

Please ignore this..

[rayofsunas]

s/o who dies.

A/n: listennnn, I wasn't going to write something dark, but then I unregretfully decided to listen to edgy/dark audios and I was suddenly in the mood to write this so yeah lmao. also, guess what? I'm planning on making a discord server right after posting this! so, be on the lookout for that when I get it all sorted out. also, note for Scaramouche's that the reader inserts tend to lean more femininely versed (I hope that's okay), the only reasons why I do that is because one I simp and I'm female AND two since I am doing a mini-series for Scara, I've kind of based his imagines/fics around that universe (baby daddy universe). I haven't started his yet, but consider these part of that series' universe. anyways as always thank you for requesting anon and enjoy! <333

Summary: you die + how the boys cope afterward.

Parings: Albedo/Gn! Reader, Xiao/Gn! Reader, Scaramouche/Fem! Reader

Warnings: swearing, angst, death, poison, illness/cancer, murder, arson, obsessive behavior

Word count: 2.1k

Albedo

"You need to keep this on your head." Your lover said for the one-hundredth time, placing the cold cloth on your forehead once again after taking it off only seconds earlier.

"This is pointless," You said, no longer wanting to ignore nor hide behind the invisible thick curtains of the obvious death sentence approaching. "My body rejected the medicine the first twice doses, what's a third time going to do?" You asked, knowing Albedo wouldn't answer; your hope was to knock some sense into his thick skull. but he was too worried trying to ignore the obvious as you had previously been doing, not anymore though.

This was saddening to watch, both Albedo's unfolding and the girl who accidentally poisoned you, whimpering into Sucrose's shoulder. She was only a young girl, barely seventeen when she was chosen to work under Sucrose and your boyfriend. She was very good at Alchemy and luckily had a desire to practice the craft. But unfortunately, she hadn't paid much attention when it came to Surcrose's educational poison lesson and had unknowingly mixed up poisonous liquids and materials.

After tipping over some clutter in Albedo's office and knocking over a test tube laying unsealed on the counter, you had realized the contents spilled on your skin, bleaching into your pores. You had been tasked with bringing the famed alchemist and his assistant some vials and materials for the collection of a rare butterfly they had found. It was both telling and obvious that something was wrong when you never showed up with the required materials requested and it was already too late hours later when the chief Alchemist, his assistant, and Alchemist in training came bounding down the stairs of Albedo's home laboratory.

It didn't take long for the trio to realize something was wrong. Sucrose had found the vile on the floor, most of its contents spilled and in a little puddle, plus your state on a nearby lounge chair was obvious; slumped awkwardly, forehead visibly sweating, eyes closed, breathing raspily.

You accepted the first doses of the supposed nullifying medicine without hesitation, just wanting the numbing feeling to go away. But when it never kicked in you decided it would be best to save the medicine, because it wasn't working. Your time was coming.

"Since the medicine is taking immediate effect, you should try to get the contents out of your system," He said, reaching out for you. Badly you wanted to argue that the medicine wasn't working at all, but he wasn't listening and already has his lean arms wrapped around your middle, helping gently lift and guide you over to the sink.

You hear materials being shoved to the side and soon enough you had your head dangling over the sink, shaking hands gripping the metalled edge tightly. Soon enough, Albedo's hand was on your back rubbing up and down, hoping to comfort you, it wasn't working though. You could only think about your death, what the other side would look like. Could there even be heaven or hell, maybe a place in between, maybe nowhere...?

As soon as you felt the urge to vomit, you did, and despite it being utterly disgusting Albedo seemed to welcome it happily. He took this as something good, but it only worried you when you saw the reddish hues in the bile.

"I think they should leave." You muttered acknowledging Sucrose and Elizabeth, the taste of gooey, metal only becoming more apparent. The blonde agreed, nodding and muttering "Okay."

As Sucrose lead Elizabeth towards the stairs, the pair heard you say. "Goodbye Sucrose, Elizabeth." Which only seemed to make the young girl wail louder.

You sighed sadly once the silence was back. Just your thoughts of death, and Albedo's slowly crushing heart.

"You should probably leave soon as well. I don't want you to be here when I go." Albedo frowned at your statement, head shaking.

"Don't say things like that."

Of course, he'd say that. Why did he feel the need to ignore this when it would only come back to hurt him even more later on when you were gone?

"You're the smartest man I know and we both know where this is heading," You said, head feeling much heavier than before. It was getting closer to your time. "I'm going to die, and you can't do anything about it."

"I'm not leaving your side. We promised to stick together through everything, you can't ask me to leave."

"I guess... But promise me this."

"When I go, stop blaming Elizabeth. It was an accident..." You said sincerely. Albedo wanted to make a fuss about it, tell you he'd never been able to forgive her. But for you, he would try. If it was your list desire, your last wish, he'd make it come true. Though it would be difficult. Accidental or not, she was the reason you were leaving him here, alone.

"Okay, I'll try..." He said honestly.

"Thank you," You said, letting out a shaking breath you had been holding for a very long time. Now you felt much more peaceful. "And since I know you stubbornly won't leave," You started, finally turning away from the sink to look into his cerulean eyes. "At least hold my hand."

"Of course, love."

even a year after your death, no matter how hard he tried, there was still this nagging feeling every time he looked at Elizabeth

he wanted too badly forgive her, but he couldn't

she had, although accidental, taken the one person that meant so much to him and he'd never forgive

Albedo is gonna be distant towards everyone he knows and it's completely purposeful

he doesn't like the pitiful gazes that people send his way and he hates that all the captains stared at him at your funeral

obviously, some questioned if he was able to stay in the field

he hadn't taken any time off, even when Jean advised he was welcome and that it would be best

tbh, albedo's going to have a hard time for a while

Xiao

Why did it have to be you? Why not him? He'd feel much better knowing you could live another day, after all, he'd been living a very long time.

But no, the fallen Archons, Gods, Yaksha had chosen you to join them. He wished that weren't the case

Humans and their pathetic vessels... So weak, he thought. Allowing something like cancer to beat them.

No matter how harsh it sounded, he didn't despise you, no. It wasn't your fault. You didn't ask for this. He just knew that if you were a godly being this wouldn't have happened like this or at least not so soon; Xiao had known Gods that had terminal illnesses to live years. Why couldn't you be like them?

He hated watching you lie there in that bed, immobile, sickly, and tired, and all you could say was that everything was going to be alright, that he'd be alright.

But it wasn't. He wouldn't be okay without you. He would struggle daily, fall deeper into a hole. You were the light of his life, the only light in his life. And you were gone, just like that. Turning external scars into internal ones tattered all over his dying heart.

Xiao for the longest time has been by himself, so the people of Liyue know it'll be harder for him to overcome this, no matter what he says or does to prove otherwise

Zhongli in particular knows how hard this will be for his friend

his first and probably last love, dead, gone in the blink of an eye

he'll continue fighting all the monsters he crosses, becoming even more violent when he does so, trying his best to get rid of this stupid sickly feeling of heartbreak

but it won't go away, no matter what he does, no matter how absurd

he just wants the feeling to go away, he despises that feeling so much

if you have a secret place somewhere, like in the mountains, Zhongli often finds him there, wallowing in invisible self-pity

"You know they wouldn't want you to be like this." Zhongli would say, only trying to help

but it doesn't

it only enrages Xiao, even more, fuels him to push everyone out of his life again instead of letting them in like he'd done in your presence

Scaramouche

How dare you. How dare you leave him like this. Alone, nonetheless with a toddler to raise who kept crying for her mommy. He couldn't do this without you, he didn't know how to raise a child, speak to her with the gentle care that you did. That was your expertise but now he'd be doing it solo.

And never again would he entrust someone who he cares about, into ignorant, incompetent arms. Never again will he ever allow any member of the Fatui to watch after his daughter; no matter their rank or position. They had one job while he was away doing business in Liyue. Guard your home twenty-four seven, accompany you into Inazuma's port town should you need anything, watch after his daughter while she plays happily in the luscious Inazuma fields. And they couldn't do that. All he gave them was one simple task, watch and keep you and your daughter safe. Instead, they slacked off, probably drunk in some bar while you were being brutally attacked by murderous mercenaries, left to fend for you and your daughter, only to die protecting her and leave your home to be severely burned.

He knew those idiotic Fatui soldiers were incompetent the moment he stepped foot into the harbor and found that everyone seemed to quiet down. Especially the eerily silent soldiers flanked on each side to welcome him home; he was the highest-ranking soldier in the land of Inazuma after all. Not a single one bothered to step forward and tell him what was wrong, what they all criminally allowed happen. Scaramouche only realized what had happened when he was mere minutes away from arriving home, his daughter had come running from his widowed mother's arms, the sight of smoke rising in the air, from the direction of his home. You were nowhere to be seen.

It all happened so fast, in the blink of an eye. His daughter was clinging to his shirt and his mother only stared with tears of pity.

It didn't take long for the puzzle pieces to be put together and before he knew it, Scaramouche was standing in front of his home, part of it burnt to a crisp and black.

He didn't need to ask what happened, he didn't need to know where you were, because he already knew. What he didn't know was who exactly had done this. But he was going to find out, now.

Incompetent, selfish, bastards. They would all pay for this. The lazy piggish Fatui soldiers who he should've never trusted with such a simple task and the thieves who had murdered you. They all had it rightfully coming.

Scaramouche hates the world after he lost you

he hates it so much and can't understand how this had happened

he's not a good person, so he blames it on karma and those stupid idiots who couldn't protect you

ngl, he's not gonna be around much after your death... his mother would argue that he should be here to raise your daughter, because she's also in pain and doesn't understand that this isn't some game of hide and seek this time

instead, he's focused and driven by revenge

he doesn't listen to a word anybody says, he's much more dangerous than before, and he only trusts his judgment

anyone trying to get him to stop his mission, is someone who doesn't want to see him happy he thinks (though that's not true at all. they hate that he is obsessive over this) but he will personally put a stop to that

and he'll only return home to his daughter and mother when he finds who did this and they along with their bloodline is exterminated

while he's gone, the remainder of his family is relocated somewhere he knows they'll be safe, for example, even though he despises childe, he knows his mom and daughter will be safe with his family

sorry, but Scaramouche will hold this deep-rooted hatred and love for you after you die

yes, he still loves and misses you dearly, but he hates you for leaving him alone, hates that although it wasn't intentional and out of your control, that you were gone

no matter how hard you tried to fight, it was selfish of you to leave him like this

he's not going to stop until he believes whoever was behind this is dead

and in his case, he'll stop believing when he chooses, even if they are innocent/guilty, he'll keep going

3.19.21, rayofsunas

[aro-culture-is]

Well, I'd like an advise or maybe an opinion.

(English isn't my native language but I hope It'll be understandable)

To be honest I could never understand romantic love or sexual attraction. When I was a kid, I used to think that when I'll grew up could understand and then fall in love as everyone does.

When a was a teenager I really tried to feel love. Always and everywhere I heard that I needed it, all TV shows, movies, music, books, even people, everything or almost everything always turned around romantic love, but I couldn't felt it myself. It was like if I were missing something, like I was incompetent, like something about me was so wrong because I simply couldn't, when according almost all people in the universe it's the most important thing. That feel love was what makes a human a human but I couldn't feel it and I was so angry against myself.

Several times I chose a boy I tried so bad feel something, anything. Tried to heard romantic songs and imagined that I felt in that way. Even after "Love is Love" become a popular phrase I tought that I needed get in love more than ever, with anyone while it were love. (Yes, I was silly)

Sexuality wasn't better, I couldn't understood why people, all my friends wanted sex I felt weird, like a child who wasn't mature enough but I had hope that one day I'll could feel it. I remember seen how all teenage series or books main characters wanted sex, how It was so important and people who don't feel in that way were weird or robots but it doesn't matter 'cause at the end they'll get "The right one" and they'll taste how incredible sex is.

"When I'll older, I'd feel all these beautiful things and... at the end I'll be normal" was something I tought a lot when I felt weird, strange and wrong against myself.

Last year I found Aromatic and Asexual Tag. I couldn't belive it but I wasn't sure how I feel aboult it. I'm so scared, too afraid that never I could feel love or have a sexual attraction.

I feel like I'm born without something so important, incomplete, boken.

Hi,

Honestly, these types of messages are always so hard to respond to. I personally never felt bad about being aro or ace, when I used to be ace, and so it's hard for me to relate. The best I can do is to offer some of the reasons I feel okay as myself, an aro individual, and hope that something helps.

To start with, "normal" was a goal I could never reach. Ever since I was very young, other kids always identified me as the outsider. I'm neurodivergent, mentally ill, chronically ill, and agender. Normal kids could run in gym. Normal kids didn't feel weird and unsettled when they were called a girl or boy. Normal kids could nap around each other, and did not worry uncontrollably about having a cruel prank pulled on them if they slept. Normal kids would talk with other kids, and did not enthusiastically spend hours tiling patterns with shape blocks. I was not a normal kid, and I knew pretty quickly that I never could be.

When I first came across aromanticism and asexuality, my response was more or less "oh, neat! more terms in this community that I don't understand." It took another year before I truly took a look at them and had a dawning awareness that they fit me. I wasn't worried about not having romantic relationships or sex - neither seemed like my type of thing. Neither romance nor sex would, in fact, really be my thing up until I was 15.

I had an orchestra concert on my birthday that year. Of course, it always seemed to line up that way - I played in a concert every birthday from my 9th through my 18th. This one would end with my standpartner asking me out - and me saying no, I'm sorry, I'm not interested in people that way. She was very upset, but took my answer at face value. The problem was... she was from a very, very rich family. Every single person I talked to all night, and through the week would tell me I should have said yes - have I seen the clothes she wears? Have I not noticed that they were expensive? (I hadn't, actually.) It didn't matter if I didn't love her - she was rich and I should have said yes anyways.

I carried that with me. I kept talking with her, discovered our highly interconnected friend group, and realized that she was fast becoming my best friend. I introduced her to someone who she then dated, and got her out when I saw the red flags piling up. People kept talking about how I should give her a chance. So... I did. And the emotional labor kept piling up.

TW for discussions of unhealthy relationships, dubious consent in sexual encounters, and mentions of suicide baiting and suicide threats. Skip to bolded green text to avoid this content.

Looking back, there were red flags very early on. She asked only with her hands and took my surprise and physical reactions as consent. She and I were both living in abusive environments and highly depressed - but while I could and would try to bring myself back when I got too far, she wouldn't. She'd discuss how I was the only reason she stayed around - and how, if I left her, she might commit suicide. I soldiered on, dumping emotional labor in.

A boy with a crush on me suicide baited her in hopes of making the emotional ask on me so bad that I'd lean on him and break up with her. After the messy conclusion of that experience - so traumatic that I have PTSD flashbacks around it at times - she determined that she was too much of a wreak to talk to me. I told almost no one of what had happened to me - but I was blamed for her condition and not "helping" enough when it was over a month before she recovered emotionally.

End of TW.

I learned that society thinks romantic relationships are a beautiful thing we should all aim to have. I learned that they could be awful, and society would deem it my fault if it wasn't. Of course, some people had good relationships - but during the near year in which I dated someone who I thought was my best friend and dearest companion, I never felt like she did towards me. I never grew more comfortable with any romance. I just learned how to suffer more in silence and help others.

I like being aromantic. I like being queer. These communities have taught me that I am worth more, and deserve better than to force myself to perform romance for an unrelenting crowd. I've been encouraged to learn more deeply what brings me joy, and to let go of expectations that were never going to bring me joy. I learned that I could redefine what romance and sex and children meant in my life.

I can still support my friends in their romantic endeavors, even if I find it, in all honesty, confusing. I can have sex if I want to, and establish boundaries. Even if I don't want to be a parent, I can always help with child-rearing. I am allowed to be me.

And really? The saddest thing of all was when I couldn't be me, and I had to listen to society even when it meant harm to my well-being.

Not being aromantic.

- mod axel

[violentshine]

oooh. firestar is such an asshole in this au its so fun

thinking about the implications of firestar being soo full of himself about being prophecized and thats why a kittypet makes such a good warrior and thinking about how he and other cats might react to future kittypets-turned-warrior. some cats already called firestar a "special case" in canon. would other kittypets turned warriors feel incompetent in comparison, like theyd never be as good as firestar so maybe they DONT belong in the clans, or do they just look at him as an example of how not to behave if they wanna actually be liked??

He is <3

In Firestar's mind it doesn't really matter what your origins are, you'll never be as good as him. When he receives the prophecy about kin of his kin having stars in his paws, I imagine he'd feel like...betrayed? by Starclan? Like alright now what's all this then. And I know this is like off topic of ur ask but I can't stop thinking about this

Firestar is still, the hero of the story, given his giant ego or not. So why is Starclan bringing in new heroes? He literally has these cats in the back of his mind, he can communicate with to Starclan, so why doesn't he have enough stars in his paws to...wait what are these for? Why is there a new prophecy? I guess this whole prophecy acts like a reality check for him? But only for a quick moment because turns out there's a fourth cat and it's....Firestar..woohoo...

Anyway back to the topic, I don't think that's necessarily the case for kittypets; considering he's blown the standard out of the water for a great warrior even for those clan born.

His kin on the other hand... and it's probably enforced by Firestar himself, are expected to be perfect or at least close to it as they can (because of course Firestar can't consider any cat to come even close to his level according to him, they can try though)

Now that can be a mix of things, they could feel pressured from it, to serve their clan perfectly and not make any mistakes, or they get special treatment for being excused from certain punishments sort of like he did.

So for all kittypets, the expectation is not pushed by their clan mates or Firestar, but if you're his kin and/or prophesized, their are certain expectations Firestar would assume it would be possible for other cats like him, to meet.

And like, Firestar isn't heartless, if he feels as if there's pressure being put on some cat (like Daisy or smth idk) for being in the clan, he'll clear things up. But um...it'll still be like super condescending

"I'm sure you've heard and will continue to hear great stories about me and how I was just some kittypet born in Twolegplace but uhhh wait what? You feel pressure to live up to my name? Because you too were born outside the clans? Hmm...interesting. Don't sweat about that, I'm sure you can't even begin to dream about doing what I've done. And I don't blame you, there's been many clan born cats that are on the same boat as you. Feeling worthless in the eyes of Starclan...and maybe you are. What's yet another cat who will live their life serving their clan with patrols and apprentice training to Starclan? Ah, but you know, even if you are incapable of doing anything that surpasses my expectation of you, you'll always have a place in Thunderclan :)"