#fuck age of ultron

[thunder-the-ranger-wolf]

Someday I guess, someday at best

Some post I can’t remember got me thinking about cousins and them showing up for each other randomly and I have word vomit over a fic I haven't touched in years.

Phil Coulson and Tony Stark are cousins in the way that Peggy Carter and Howard Stark were friends. They show up for each other. But that's more Tony dropping in at random times and Phil knowing when he's needed. Here's the latter.

AS KIDS

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Being the best cousin ever. I brought ice cream and apple juice."

"You're weird." "I can go-!"

"Mine!" Tony snapped, springing forward. "You said it's for me."

"I said I brought ice cream and apple juice."

"You're the worst."

"Yap yap yap."

"Say, we're cousins, right?"

"Yep."

"Then how come my dad and your grandma are the same age?"

"Men can have kids until they fuckin die or something and women can't."

"That's bullshit."

"Sure is."

"I wish my dad was dead."

"Someday."

LITERALLY RIGHT AFTER THE WORST OVERSEAS TRIP EVER

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Being the best cousin ever. I brought that detox shit that worked on Annie. Figure you'll want something to kick the shakes."

"Shakes stopped a week ago. Just nightmares now."

"Ain’t that a damn shame... I'll think of something."

"Good luck with that."

BATTLING IRON MONGER

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Being the best cousin ever. Pepper's fine. You were a dumbass last night and I'm pretty sure I need to get my ears checked."

"Join the club, pal, that thing never went on the market for a reason."

PRE-PRESS CONFERENCE

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Being the best cousin ever. I brought good news and bad news. You have a press conference. I tried to tell Fury you'll nix his idea but he wants you to see it anyway."

Tony snatches the paper from Phil's hand and gives it a once-over.

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. What, does he want me to split myself in half and call the clone whatever the press is running with?"

"He wants you to not die."

"Fair enough. Now what's the good news?"

DEATH PARTY CLEANUP

"The fuck're you doin 'ere?"

"Being the best cousin ever. I brought burges, Supernanny, and a fuckton of cleaning supplies. You and me are gonna get this place back to some form of habitant and we're gonna bitch at those incompetent shitheads while we do it."

"Why should I? Not like it'll matter in a few weeks."

"It matters now. C'mon. We can get burgers and ice cream after."

KIN GETS FIRST CALL PT I

"The fuck do you want?"

"I'm not the person you want to see. I'm sorry I don't know if you’ll ever see him again."

"He's alive?"

"It's touch-and-go. I came to give you the room he'll be in when he's stable."

"Thanks, I guess. Fuck off."

"Fucking off."

KIN GETS FIRST CALL PT II

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Being the best cousin ever and the most alive I've been in fuck knows how long. You got any ice cream?"

"Sure do. Check the freezer. You tell your spy twins yet?"

"They're on leave. He'll, so am I right now. Catch me up. What season of Supernanny are we up to?"

SHIT'S FUCKED AND SHIELD IS DEAD

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Bout to be the worst cousin ever. I brought the worst movie ever, some ice cream, and everclear."

"Everclear?! What the fuck?!"

"You're gonna want it after you see this."

"Phil, what the actual fuck?"

"I need you to watch it first. Before I lose my nerve. You need to know."

"Fine, whatever. I was having a bad night anyway. Jarvis is scooping up as many of your burned folks as he can."

"Great. Thanks. Not why I'm here."

"Play the damn tape, Jarvis."

"You're gonna want the everclear in the ice cream and a fuckton of it."

"Why?"

"Don't ask."

"I'm damn well asking, Phil, why the fuck are we falling off the wagon?!"

"It's... it's about the drunk driver."

"Shit. Pour the damn can into the ice cream. What the hell came up after all this time?"

GUESS WHO'S BACK

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Being a loafer. I bring absolutely nothing but chaos in 3... 2... 1..."

The elevator rang and out trooped the fuckers who decided to live there. Tony exhaled the world-weariest sigh he could muster. "Is that Coulson?!"

"Yep."

DEAGING OF ULTRON: THAT'S NOT HOW CODE WORKS PT I (STAND DOWN)

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Being the best cousin ever. You're going to bed. This code can wait."

"I just got-."

"No. You're getting sleep and probably checked out tomorrow. Fuckin touching random glowing shit. You're just like your father."

"Says the carbon-copy grandchild of the spoilsport."

DEAGING OF ULTRON: THAT'S NOT HOW CODE WORKS PT II

"The fuck are you doing here?"

"Getting you the fuck outta here. Jarvis's backups kicked in. He's missing maybe a week or two, but he's stable."

"Thank you. Really thought that fucker killed him."

"More of a whack to the head. Let's get him up to speed, yeah? And call in some reinforcements. If this Ultron is half as smart as Jarvis, we're still very fucked."

AT SOME POINT

"Say, if you're cousins, why were his grandma and your dad the same age?"

"Men can have kids until they fuckin die or something and women can't."

"That's bullshit."

"Sure is. Thank God my dad is dead."

"Cheers to that, pal."

"Couldn't have happened to a more deserving person."

"Winter Soldier fucked him all the way up."

"I wish he'd left my mom alone."

"Me too."

"I'll see her someday."

"Yeah. We'll see them someday."

[lefthandarm-man]

Steve Rogers // Captain America

and his habit of putting his hands on his belt

[captainmaxatx]

I think Deadpool and Wolverine 2 should start with them beating the shit out eachother in some nondescript field, just going full tilt completely mauling eachother

And then we see colossus come out the mansions back doors and he starts yelling about them ruining the lawn

[vee-nyx]

to celebrate 8 years since civil war release, let’s review all the ways tony stark was an absolute loser and actually the reason thanos won in infinity war:

created an omnicidal A.I. that the rest of the team warned him against creating

decided that the entire team needed to become government puppets because he felt guilty for creating said A.I. that, once again, NO ONE SUPPORTED HIM IN MAKING

(also the reason bucky was forced back into the fight bc tony caused sokovia and thus caused zemo’s need for revenge but i digress on that pt)

when members of the team who can’t disconnect from their abilities raised concerns about how the accords dehumanized them, he had them arrested or locked them in his tower

bribed (yes, bribed) a child into fighting on his side because he knew he was outmatched

instructed vision to shoot sam out of the sky and then shot sam point-blank when he avoided the blast that would’ve left him severely injured AND LANDED TO HELP THE PERSON IT HIT

wanda on the raft. this is its own point. he let her be restrained and collared like a fucking DOG as if he hadn’t already done enough damage in her life (killing her parents & brother)

proceeded to break the accords THAT HE HELPED WRITE to chase cap across the globe because he felt left out of the action

blamed a brainwashed pow for BEING FORCED to kill the starks AGAINST HIS WILL and proceeded to BLOW HIS ARM OFF and ATTEMPT TO KILL HIM DESPITE KNOWING THAT NONE OF IT WAS HIS CHOICE

mocked natasha’s trauma because she dared to disagree with his methods (he is, in fact, incapable of letting go of his ego for one goddamn second)

even after receiving an apology, refused to contact cap for three years despite KNOWING about the threat of thanos

in conclusion,

[urbeautifulandiminsane]

my intro 👼🏼🐇🫶🏻🏹💌

i’m always open to dms + moots

i’m isabelle, i’m fifteen, i’m from england and i’m a massive theatre nerd. i’m a catholic but i respect everyone’s beliefs, i’m also autistic so please take that into account if you’re messaging me

music taste 🎀

lana del rey’s my favourite singer but i also love jazz, rap and show tunes

my favourite singers are: lana del rey, clipping., laufey, frank sinatra, ethel cain, jeff buckley and remy bond

fav films 💐

. scarface - 1982 (my no1 foreverrrr)

. marie antoinette - 2006

. little women - 2019

. heathers - 1989

. the love witch - 2016

. in the heights - 2021

. hamilton - 2020

. warriors - 1979

fav musicals 🍬

. hamilton

. falsettos

. book of mormon

. mean girls

. in the heights

. ride the cyclone

. 21 chump street

fav shows 🩰

. south park - 1997-now

. the dick van dyke show - 1961-1966

. brooklyn 99 - 2013-2021

. liberty’s kids - 2002-2003

fav books 💒

. the metamorphosis - f. kafka

. violet bent backwards over the grass - l. del rey

. lolita - v. nabokov

. valley of the dolls - j. susann

. meditations - m. aurelius

. the godfather - m. puzo

. the bell jar - s. plat

my special interests 🎊

. alexander hamilton

. amrev

. fashion history

. the tudors

. mormonism

. warriors 1979

fav albums 💫

. visions of bodies being burned - clipping.

. blue banisters - lana del rey

. ultraviolence - lana del rey

. paradise - lana del rey

. folksongs and ballads - tia blake

. grace - jeff buckley

. seven nights in chicago - rafael casal & daveed diggs

. warriors - lin manuel miranda

. songs - adrienne lenker

. preachers daughter - ethel cain

. jolene - dolly parton

. strangers in the night - frank sinatra

[joetavis]

I understand why they decided to kill Tony in Endgame, because there was no way to have him live and show him proceeding not to fuck Steve Rogers after what they had going on in that movie.

So for the sake of keeping them straight because Disney, I understand that it had to be done, then again I earnestly think that Marvel is a coward for not having them fuck at least once.

(if one of them was a girl they would have canonically fucked on Clint's farm in AoU and probably got married)

[xerith-42]

Not to get a little too emotional about Stucky but...

Steve's line in Age of Ultron about the person who wanted a family "going into the ice 75 years ago." And "I think someone new came out."

This movie isn't explicitly about Steve and Bucky's relationship, that's what Captain America movies are for, but it is about Steve and his ability to move on from Peggy. This line is given as the emotional resolution to his hallucination Wanda made him see.

Just. Imagine if that leads into the next Captain America film where Steve is willing to do anything, even tear apart the Avengers for Bucky if he has to. N then. Like okay like listen to me. This is where Bucky and Steve get to go into Wakanda nomadic living. But together??

And we never even have to see them kiss on screen or anything, Marvel movies love their sexual tension and teasy scenes. We never have to see anything explicit, just give us as much teasing as we had before, but like a second longer when they look into each other's eyes. Let two characters then give one another a questioning side eye after seeing Steve and Bucky whispering little jokes to one another. Let characters make jokes at their expense and have neither of them deny the dating allegations, just any other thing they're made fun of while being accused of dating.

I just... I wish Stucky had happened it would've been a better story

[rainbowsuitcase]

Steve & "Language!"

(Sometimes when canon doesn't make sense, you just have to force it, so.)

World War II soldiers swore a fuckton, and it's honestly hilarious to imagine Steve and the Howlies in that context. Because as we see in TFA, thanks to Captain America, all of them become celebrities on some level.

Thanks to USO, Steve definitely has the most media training out of them all and when they're being recorded on missions and whatnot, he probably has to tell them off for swearing all the time. Because America's golden boy cannot be caught fucking swearing on camera when he's supposed to be all pure and shit, and that definitely extends to his unit too.

They definitely tease him about it endlessly when he finally slips up on camera too and tells someone to "Hand me the fucking map," or something.

And to be even more fair to canon, Steve was probably watching himself carefully enough that there's a chance he wouldn't adopt the fucking speech pattern to the extreme the others would.

But one, Bucky absolutely fucking swears and if someone tries to convince me otherwise, I will fucking riot. And two, I would bet that Joss Whedon did not think about it this fucking hard, there's no fucking way, so write your fucking swearing Steve all you fucking want.

[astro-can]

[the-syndicate-idol]

I want him so fucking bad ngl

[spacecluster]

I just love how in age of ultron

Marvel established

that they have these pods

that can heal people of serious injuries

And are capable of building an entire body out of nothing pretty much aside from like a sentient Rock

and that this pod

which is destroyed at some point in this movie

is a lower level version of something that Dr Helen Cho has in her facility in wherever she said it was cause it's been a while since I've watched this movie

and then they

to my knowledge

Never mentioned again

[andromedda]

Also that hallway fight (no sleep till brookyln)- age of ultron fucking WISHES it could have been what that was

[passwordispassword]

would you believe me if i said i was autistic for this guy.

[birdsareblooming]

more people think we're getting amy not rouge in the third movie yall are so fucking stupid

[jakobslock]

In a way I'm kinda glad that the fox marvel movies are done with forever because it means I really truly absolutely never have to watch an MCU movie again

[wizardnuke]

my most cancelable trait is that the first two marvel phases r still dear to me