#i'm so tired why am i still up
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this is my warning post- i will be changing my profile picture sometime soon- i will update this when the change is about to occur- and then when it occurs w/a before and after 🙂↕️🙂↕️ (as to not shock anyone) it's time my hyunjin edit finally retires... (maybe even the blog theme/header/other image will finally change- we shall see how ambitious i become but for now- know it's just a pfp change) (should i prolly go for an mx profile after all this time? yeah- but will it be a tbz member? yeah. (changmin more than likely 🙂↕️))
#blog updates#changes soon to be made#pfp icon to be changed#i'm so tired why am i still up#(seriously didn't notice my eyes feeling heavy/what time it was til just now- but i finished a fic before working on this post so...)#(expect to see a fic tomorrow as well 🙂↕️🙂↕️)#turn and face the strange ch-ch-changes...#hwvr don't expect an exact time on a pfp update- we will see when i get there.... it may take me a while- but i plan to#seriously i haven't fully stanned kidz well before astronaut came out- so uh- with all that considered- it's time to ring in a new change#i feel like i'm rambling and babbling but i don't rightly know when i should be quiet yet- so- i am having conflicting feelings about#changing 'wanna eat ramen and go' wang gae park gae... bc yeah that's been with this blog since forevvvvverr it would be like ending#a long era so... um- we'll see- but for sure the pfp is changing
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Things batfam stans need to leave behind in 2023:
Jason's Lazarus pit rage
Thinking Tim's parents were horribly abusive and hated him
Only caring about Stephanie in terms of her relationship to another person (ex: Tim's bestie/ex/gf or Cass' gf/bestie)
Treating Jason or Stephanie like they're stupid
Feral Demon Child Damian
Permanent sunshine boy Dick Grayson
Any "[blank] was the real violent Robin" discourse
Really just any reducing or sectioning of certain traits to certain batfam members and not allowing other characters to exhibit those same traits (ex: see sunshine Dick Grayson)
But also stealing traits from other characters and projecting them onto someone else (ex: Jason getting Dick's personality in fics. He is not the same type of big brother Dick is canonically)
Purposefully mischaracterizing characters for angst (ex: Dick sent Tim to Arkham, my beloathed. also again see Tim's parents)
Trying really hard to nuclearize the family. They are an unconventional family for many reasons, and that's why they're interesting.
"Alfred solos the batfam"
Making Duke "the normal one" and completely forgetting to give him an actual personality.
Cass using sign language because she can read body language (note: does not apply to YJ Cass who has damaged vocal chords)
Cass being used as a prop for her brothers
Tim being weak, woobified baby
Feel free to add on ~~
Don't send hate over these things because idgaf, they are harmful mischaracterizations, and many are built on total ignorance and often racism, classism, ableism, and sexism.
#I know there's 7 million other things that NEED TO DIE but honestly why am I still seeing that in 2024#I'm so done with the constant mischaracterizations and made up au bullshit that people will argue is canon when they don't like any media#and I'm saying any because some of y'all won't even watch cartoons or play video games#and at least have the balls to admit it and not screech every time someone tells you something isn't real#or thinking that it's 'hate' and 'not letting people enjoy things' when you get basic information wrong about a character that you don't kn#and AGAIN THERE'S SO MUCH BIGOTRY THAT Y'ALL ARE BLIND TO BUT SWEAR YOU'RE BETTER THAN DC#Even some dc writers understand that portraying Damian as an uncontrolled feral child is rooted in racism#that boy is a PRINCE AND ACTS LIKE IT#I can go on forever#but yeah I'm just tired of this shit#batfam#batfamily#bat family#alfred pennyworth#nightwing#dc robin#dick grayson#jason todd#red hood#tim drake#I would add the coffee thing but that's too obvious#cassandra cain#cass cain#stephanie brown#batgirl#the spoiler#barbara gordon#oracle#duke thomas#the signal
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EVERYBODY WELCOME GNARL TO THE BLOGGG
(Gnar for short! they/them)
#vore art#furry vore#furry art#fursona#furry oc#hyena furry#anthro art#fursona art#female pred#gnarl tag#i'm still gonna draw. way more of chris by comparison but they are MUCh easier to draw!#to the people i told i was going to bed: i woke up in a cold sweat to draw this and am going back to bed as we speak. im. so tired.#idk why i saw the pose in a dream and was like. ah. gnar. of course.#design is subject to spontaneous improvements <3#dragon fursona#hyena fursona#minotaur ??? is also a correct term i think they have a human tummy <3#for to squish <3#i again am not a furry i do not think! but i like the look of the characters and think it would be nice to have someone to represent. me.#so.#gnar time!#are they me.#nah.#but close enough i think idk how these work <3
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Good morning.
A very kind follower let me know that my clones art has been stolen and reposted, again. This time on Tiktok.
So here's a new version of my art. It's called: "Apparently putting 'Do Not Repost' on the art 4 times + in my bios of every social + FAQ isn't enough, so how's this?!"
I'm feeling very defeated and exhausted.
I just finished filing a DMCA yesterday. This new art theft version already has more views than every like/note on all versions of my art on all of my socials COMBINED + multiplied. This art was only posted a few days ago. I'm beginning to deeply regret drawing it.
Art thieves getting views and likes does NOTHING for the community. Imagine of those likes/comments/followers had come to me, on any of my socials. Think of how excited I'd be to connect to new folks, how hyped I'd be to draw more.
(how maybe, just maybe, someone official might one day notice and it might lead to more😭)
I don't think I've hit 10K likes on ANY art I've ever posted on Twitter in 8 years, and certainly nowhere near that on Tumblr in a while. That's ok, I understand that's due to my own lack of skills, which is why i work hard daily to improve!
But ART THEFT DOESN'T HELP. This person did NOTHING but stress me out, make me regret sharing my work, and take away valuable time and mental energy from me producing more work. And I promise you, they will not be able to make my art for you.
Don't worry, I'm not just complaining about it. I've filed a DMCA (tho gosh TikTok's form is WEIRD, really hoping it worked🥲)
But please. If you see an art theft account, please don't give them views & likes. Someone else worked hard on that. They could really use your support.
Anyway, here's the link to my art on Tumblr. On my account. Since, y'know, I drew it.
#YukiPri rambles#art theft#idk i'm just so tired and sad and wondering why i worked so hard what's the dang point#yeah this is from my twitter thread bc i'm too exhausted to write it again this ate all my spoons and then some#yeah u may be wondering aren't u used to this why are you complaining#because this art literally went up days ago and i almost died marathon working on it for an entire goddamn week#because i still feel exhausted and then this fucko who did absolutely NOTHING is just like hehe look at how many views i'm getting!#and i am just. yeah. exhausted
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if you see this, and you're about to sleep (like me), i hope we both get a good rest and our f/os visits us in our dreams ᰔᩚ
if you're just starting your day, good luck and i hope your day will be good and filled with positive things coming straight to your way ᰔᩚ
and if you're in the middle of your day, i hope you're given strength to tackle the remaining hours before you can kick back and relax ᰔᩚ
#rin rambles#praying hoping wishing my eczema won't flare up again and woke me up in the middle of the night like the past few days#i'm absolutely tired but twas a productive day....#planning to visit a cafe and buying some coffee beans tomorrow. and working outside. i think a change of pace will be good for me!!!#and then. and then. i'm gonna totally laze off like a sloth this weekend.#yep. just waiting for period to start so imma just roll around on my bed doing nothing!!!#(well i still have to clean and do laundry and do some cooking BUT NEVERTHELESS)#i deserve the relaxation!!! an introvert's gotta recharge!!! raaaaaaaah (why am i screaming. i do not know /silly)
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my princess nonsense is being encouraged watch ouyt imabout to be eneaabled
OK WHATF ATHAT'S SO CUTE I HAD TO MAKE IT i know realistically there's little to no chance that rei DOESN'T know how to work heels 🤣 BUT IMAGINE.....ING.... YAKUMO GENTLY GUIDING REI IN HEELS, WEEKS BEFORE THE BIG GALA AND HAVING NONE OF HIS NORMAL FEAR OF PHYSICAL TOUCH BC HIS [TEACHER MODE] IS OVERRIDING HIS INSECURITY
#rei looking directly at the camera like why are you subjecting me to this. i do not need any of this. i know how to do it#rei wearing stilettos the size of your head so he becomes ur very tall bird goth gf#you know how yakumo gets when he instructs someone on how to cook something#he becomes confident and just tells ppl how to do stuff without his usual amount of stutter and secondguessing#i'm gonna pretend that after his stiletto training in misty vale he gains a TINY MOLECULE of confidence due to experience#like [i can help you if you've never done it before?]#honestly i can't imagine this scenario happening because i am so SURE that rei can walk in heels HAHAHA even tho nothing has proven that#SOMETHING COME PROVE ME WRONG SO MY DELUSIONS CAN SLIDE CLOSER TO POSSIBILITY#anyway even if rei didn't know how to wear heels#would he ever mention it? would yakumo ever learn of it?#rei would probably be all . i don't need to wear heels. they can't even see them under the dress. i'll wear my practical shoes#but if he can't get away with that and will be forced to wear heels at the party...#maybe he'll go [meh. i'll figure it out] and just not wear them until the day of the dance#at which point his feet will hurt after 20 minutes and for the whole night he takes any chance to sit down#rei can be frequently spotted on SOME surface SOMEWHERE in the palace. sitting all splayed out and uncaring of propriety#because he is in PAIN and these shoes are STUPID and why do people wear them for ANYTHING . Royals are so IMPRACTICAL#yakumo keeps trying to avoid heels for the dance because he doesn't want to be any taller than he already is#i bet there's a full convo about it between him and eiden#eiden trying to reassure him that if he wants to wear heels then he shouldn't let others' perception stop him from doing so#but if he genuinely doesn't want to wear them then that's ok too#eiden craning his neck up at yakumo in heels like you're my pretty princess 1-2 heads taller than me your height doesn't matter 🥰#i'm now torn. yakumo and rei both wearing heels now? in order to stay at similar heights?#or. rei starting out with heels. getting tired of them. going barefoot for the rest of the night lol#yakumo and rei still dancing in their ballgowns together but a much shorter rei leads a yakumo in heels#yes. yes this is the vision#yakurei#replies#nu carnival yakumo#nu carnival rei
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actually. the specific phrasing that boy Kevin wants to kill older Kevin with "I must disassemble him, piece by piece, so that everything inside of the Old Kevin comes out. Only then can the New Kevin truly begin." is so incredibly the idea that to heal from trauma and "improve" you have to destroy every "wrong" part of yourself, that everything "tainted" by it has to somehow be replaced by something untouched (which isn't possible)
#reading back that phrasing I do think that'll be the way brinknor takes it#this arcs seeming like it'll be so. breaking the cycle of abuse and violence and coming to terms with yourself#and maybe understanding that you can never remove the parts of you impacted by trauma and start again completely ''pure''#but you can treat yourself with the kindness you should've been given#which i hope it is that because. and understand i am biased. but i'd love that direction for Kevin#it feels much more satisfying than any more. angsty way this arc could go imo#like he's been through enough!#because of the way Kevin is portrayed in fanon. not as frequently anymore but still pretty common. I worry about coming off as woobifying#by saying I want him to heal I want him to have nice things I think he deserves them#when he's also simultaneously Not A Good Person#yknow the poor little innocent cinnamon roll baby etc etc fanon#but. well for one im Not Like That about him. but my main point of bringing that up is. him not being a good person is why I want to see hi#get better and generally have a good life. why does someone have to be good to deserve to heal from trauma#especially when trauma is a big reason for the way they are#like its fiction yeah yeah i'm still tired of mentally ill people having to be ''good'' to ''deserve'' to get better yknow#i mean especially in fiction you tend to either see mental illness as the poor traumatized one who's allowed recovery because they're nice#or the insane psychopath who cant be ''fixed'' so ''deserves'' bad things-up to deserving to die!- for it#i didnt mean for this to be a rant erm. oops#wtnv#wtnv spoilers#joyousposting
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i drew (and headcanoned some of) people's courtneys. too out of it to tag the specific ppl these courtlets come from so if you see your courtlet say hi i guess? wanted to post this since i love this piece so much and i love seeing how people interpret concepts.
and a bonus featuring my own courtlet. thank you.
#pkmn#rse#oras#magma admin courtney#team magma#hiii here's the silly commentary part lol so. uh. lately ive been so out of everything lately and ive been between amazing and a mess#as i figure out my own courtney's character i've given up on a thing ive been at with for several months. ive met some good friends too.#but even as i give up that thing im still cooking up new things like me FINALLY coming up with my continuity's events and stuff YAY!!!#i really really wanna share some stuff but 1) i don't have a lot and it's hard to really discuss stuff with the way i think#2) it's been hard to draw lately. idk why. 3) im worried ppl will go after me because this story is kind of edgy to an extent and#we are far past the edgy emo dark story stuff and I'm worried ppl will chock it up to “look into my sick and twisted mind” and not#like. something i am happy with and love and like. want to do so much with!!! idk!!!! i wanna make a narrative that is so crazy. that is al#if anyone wants me to talk about my continuity and ESPECIALLY about my courtney please send asks i am realizing that#the loneliness and my disconnect from reality is starting to get to me and i need to think about other stuff. i just like talking to people#and bouncing off ideas and stuff. it would be fun. you guys have no idea how good of a writing exercise making your own pkmn continuity is#ANYWAYS. tldr. please please talk to me about these things. i love talking about headcanons and silly stuff. thank you.#too tired to tag with my tag. goodbye.
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Okay Here Is The Problem: everything costs money and yet money is something that i just literally never have. solution? kill the idea of money so that nothing costs anything Please. i'm so tired
#despite making more money w/ my commissions than ever before this year#i am still. not able to save up literally even one (1) single penny of it bc of bills#i have to make like 600 every month just to break even at like 5 dollars in my acct#please i am so fucking tired#i want to get myself things and do shit#i want to buy things for archie and jack's dog and for the house so that things are better for all of us#i want to be able to afford snacks more than once every three months like if i maybe want a bag of chips#instead of saving up for three months and going 'yeah okay 5 dollars for a normal sized bag of chips is finally worth it' ?????????????????#why the fuck are chips so expensive that is potatoes and spices and like all of it is automated hello?? what are we fucking paying for?????#ANYWAYS.#i am just fucking. Tired#due to recent events I was like#'okay how much are dog treadmills.... oh. i see. i will never be able to afford that even after three years saving. got it'#there are five hundred fundraisers on my dash (BARELY hyperbole) every single day and everybody needs help#so i COMPLETELY get people not having a ton of disposable funds this isn't me complaining about that i'm just.#i wish that i sometimes had money so that i could MAYBE save anything up or y'know. have ANYTHING to show for it#bc right now i am working full time at this job (commission/freelance artist and adopt maker etc) and making like maybe 4 dollars an hour#which is great bc when i started i was only getting about $0.11 an hour but like. that's still not. Good. For all the time i put into it#but due to circumstances and situations this is about all i'm physically and mentally able to do here and i LIKE doing commission but it's#not really. getting me anywhere and i just want to afford things finally.#i'm 27 and everything i own fits in one room and almost all of it was gifted to me for free bc i couldn't afford to get it on my own#delete later i'm just so tired man
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two tries on two separate days and i STILL can't get ahold of the new endocrinologist's new patient scheduling assistant argh. hopefully they actually call me back this time. on the bright side i did manage to get through to billing (despite their horrible phone tree and even more horrible connection, it sounded like they were speaking through a frayed wire) and get them to update my insurance information and actually bill my insurance for my recent telehealth visit bc there was no way in hell i was gonna pay their upfront unadjusted cost for a thirty minute zoom call with my pcp without them at least TRYING to ping my insurance first
#oh the wonders and joys of the american healthcare system#and i'm lucky bc i have reasonably decent coverage through my parents still too#but. boy i sure do have medical expenses...#anyway they never billed my insurance in the first place because they never updated to my new policy?#despite me entering it like. twice?? since then?#whatever . as long as they do it now#a telehealth visit SHOULD be covered. at least partially. i sure hope so bc i have to do another one next month#i understand being charged for the telehealth visit i really do. especially considering i got two referrals and two prescriptions out of it#but still. this is why i HAVE insurance...use it please#anyway now i'm hoping insurance will cough up a good portion of that billing statement#and that endocrinology will actually call me back and let me schedule a new patient visit.#because i am TIRED! of my old endocrinologist#they're not bad but i'm tired of every visit for three years hearing the same thing and seeing nothing change#and because they're in a different state from where i currently live it makes getting lab results back a right pain in the ass.#so i'd like to swap providers. and it'll be easier to manage if they're in the same system as my pcp which is what i'm trying to do...#i wanna talk about me
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very weird to frame your abuse apologia as being aware that the writers intended to illustrate a mutually harmful dynamic and not an abusive one. when the writers in question also wrote the line 'once you put it out there, they [the audience] decide what it is' because nothing you ever create has any innate definition. when the writers in question decided to racebend major characters and then showcase them being harmed by white or nonblack characters in a repeatedly racialized pattern when they Did Not Have To Do That and then genuinely or disingenuously decide to dialogue about their directly or indirectly illustrated racialized dynamic of intimate partner violence within and outside the narrative. like to be quite honest it does not matter what they intended because this is what they made and this is how it Looks to a notably large amount of people. who just happen to be interpreting it wrong? according to what metric? the very metric they say Doesn't Work in their own fictional creation? ok
#j watches interview with the vampire#i keep saying i'm tired of talking about this but i'm not#iwtv is SO enjoyable to me when i Don't make excuses for obviously shitty people#cannot comprehend the level of mental gymnastics. well actually i can lol#like i'm not trying to suck the fun out of a fictional show of fun fucked up dynamics#it's fun and fucked up Because. they let it be fucked up#let it be fucked up!#so many people seem to have such an aversion to the idea that lestat ever abused anyone but especially louis#when we know even if he didn't abuse louis he definitely abused claudia. often IN very misogynistic and racist ways btw#which people conveniently ignore#let alone that he does similar things to louis even when he at the same time would never Want to abuse louis#like both are true. i think. like#it's good that we as a society have tried to be better about cutting off abusers at the heels to compensate for it not happening Enough#but we have to stop pretending they aren't human people and that abuse is a Human act and that their humanity#and our ability to understand them with Our humanity just Disappears the second they do something monstrous#like no. both are true. all of it's true#pretending lestat was never abusive does nothing for no one#and i really truly feel like it takes the bite Out of such a compelling story to view it that way#let it bite my friends i promise you will survive it#imo seeing lestat's abuse for what it is =/= Cancel Him NOW like. i still enjoy him for what he is as long as he's Allowed to be what he is#which the finale. um. appeared to backpedal lol which is why it immediately sucked to me#realizing i am Because Of Woke-ing lestat but like people are afraid to call him abusive because they like him and they feel like#they can't continue to like him if they admit he was ever abusive. Because of Woke HFKSDJF
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i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.
you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.
and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts
#how do you miss me when you won't talk to me? how do you like me so much and then go to just. not?#how did i let you in when i try so hard not to let people do that because i know that once they get past the walls all i'll be left with#is the idea of them rotting and withering inside me. polluting the space i create to keep myself safe.#why does everyone leave? leave in silence too. leaving behind so many questions and so many words engraved in my brain#i am so tired of *grieving* when those i grieve are still alive and well and thriving and i'm reminded that it's versions of myself#that i'm grieving instead. how do you grieve yourself? how do you not fucking fall apart over it?#just. fucking talk to me. don't make it be true that all i'll ever be is nothingness and the memory of someone you liked once#but never never never liked enough#i'm so so cold already. i'm a shell. i want to be warm again but it always leaves me so hollow and hurting#i grieve the dio who was warm. i grieve them i miss them i am so so angry that he had to leave. to hide. with no way out#i'm happy for you. i'm happy you're happy. but you're no better than anyone else and it makes me want to run away again#but i have nowhere else to run and no one else to be. and it's so fucked that it doesn't matter who i am i'll never be enough#for someone to just. stay. to see me and to stay. to hear me and to sit and listen and just. just fucking stay.#maybe i'm not worth staying for. maybe there's nothing to know nothing to hear nothing to see nothing to listen to nothing to find#maybe all i'll ever get is one/two good months paid for with a lifetime of grief. and i'm at the point where i don't want the good months#anymore with you or anyone else who tears down these walls with affection that is so endlessly addictive and leaves me yearning.#on the off chance that it will keep the grief away too. but that's the thing about grief isn't it? it's here to stay. unlike you#god this is so fucked up and i'll delete this later but for now i just need to. let it out. poe said i should make a side blog for the grie#but poe's not there anymore. poe has stopped starting fires. so this goes on main until shame makes me take it down#blah#personal#not st
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The whole "if a person is mad at you it's their responsibility to tell you" thing just made me realize how fucked my situation is. Like just. woah
#who wants to hesr the story of how I lost my irl friends recently (you will I'm spitting everything right now)#anyway so last year one day one of my friends decided to randomly backstab me and she started talking behind my back#and yeah this all made me mad because?? what the fuck#she started talking and revealing stuff that i had confide to her to other people and they slowly started drifting from me#BUt the thing here is that she was manipulating the story. she changed it every time she told stuff to people to make me look bad#i heard one of the things she said about me once and i was like ?? she even make me dislike me in her version which like woa#anyway I didn't understand why she did that because it was ? so random? and then she started ignoring me and has not talked to me ever since#the thing is. she apparently didn't have enough with just doing that. she slowly started to rot my other friends' brains too?#in the sense that. suddenly the rest of my group was ignoring me too. they never said anything to me. or stated that they had a problem#they just ignored me in my face? and yeah that. hurt#recently i found thanks to a third party that one of them decided to stop talking to me because apparently i had hurt her uncountable times#and she was just soo sick and tired of me doing that. which. honestly made me mad because she did not ever express that to me?? so#what was i supposed to do. if she never said anything.#anyway one of my friends confronted her about the treatment they were giving to me. the whole exclusion thing. and her answer was-#”well it's not my fault that she doesn't have more friends and doesn't talk to people”#and i was like. woah. what a poor reply. is that really it.. also apparently they all had agree to stop talking to me as a group-#-and they never informed me so. thank you?#and I'm still here asking what i did to that ex friend of mine. later on i found out she had hooked up with the guy i used to like btw#and she kept it secret. oh and then i started dating my current partner ! person she also felt attracted to. and that's my only explanation.#she started gossiping after what happened with the first guy. so that's really everything that comes to mind as a reason#ANYWAY now that i was at the hospital i didn't receive a single text from any of them. so i guess that was it. people who don't care-#-like that are not friends. those people are not my friends. people who ignore me on purpose and gossip like that are not. my friends#so yeah that's why I've been feeling down lately but ! here I am i ended up ranting so. much#rant#vent#?#woah i actually feel so much better after spitting it all#I'm also following that sour grape advice btw I'm not giving them the privilege of cutting me out. I'M the one who dislikes them now
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im so fuckin sick rn billy joel please stop plaguing my thoughts i've got enough going on what with the plague (the cold my roommate says she definitely didn't give me that she definitely gave me but no hard feelings) and the literal wars i am fighting in school right i don't need the piano man in my skull please
#help#she really thinks she's not contagious but I'm like girl. maybe your sinus infection isn't contagious but the cold that caused it sure is.#im so fucking tired#i slept 2 hours last night#i was studying for an exam and then I was going to go to bed at 9 pm#but it is now nearly 4 am and I'm still up because something distracted me from literally sleeping#girl#you're tired#go to bed#I feel like a gust of wind could take me out rn#very ill#and fucking billy joel is in my brain and he won't stop singing#PLEASE SHUT UP#billy Joel be quiet#college is a lot#and now I have to deal with billy Joel + don mcclean popping in every once in a while to sing American pie#I don't even like that song#😭#I want to go home#please#free me from this torment#i don't even listen to billy joel's music why won't he leave me tf alone#please ignore#these are the ramblings of a girl in distress
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Trying to figure out the difference between "this feeling of general apathy about work will pass" and "this feeling of general apathy about work won't pass"
#it's like. i'm not FEELING when I think about my field#i'm not FEELING when I teach -- even though I'm still fighting for my undergrads as best as possible#I don't feel anything about the conferences over the horizon for me...or the papers that I have to write for them#i haven't even booked my plane tickets and accommodations...partially because that'd mean they're real#i have a deadline coming up for an article I was excited to publish -- I barely want to touch it#and it's like...I *know* I love my field#...so why don't I *now*?#i don't want to work on my prospectus...even though I've wanted nothing else for three years#...is it just TOO MUCH at once or too little stimulation without classwork#or am i just. tired.#and has this been the natural conclusion of the last three years
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my mum supports me in getting accessibility aids when i break down about it but the moment i'm not upset or in tears then it's what if people don't want to talk to you because you're in a wheelchair and what if they think you're fragile and i want you to make friends but this might not help and-
#IM SO TIRED#you know why i'm not making friends. you know why i'm struggling so much#because i cannot go anywhere. i can't go to meetings i can't go to events i can't go to anything because i'm tired and in pain#i'm hoping to go to a talk tomorrow but honestly i don't know if i'll be able to. but it's on disability so i wanna try#i'm getting my covid booster tomorrow and i'm going to ask the nurse about it#'but what if-' i am struggling to go to class i am struggling to go to work i had to stand up the other day and almost burst into tears#i still have to get to work later and i'm thinking it'll rise but my heart rate today has been 49-164. and that's lower than average but#my pots is just getting worse. the pain is getting bad again. my brainfog is extreme#i'm done trying to get better i'm done being told i don't have to use mobility aids because people will fix me. i just want to make friends#vent tw
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