#i'm ranting though sorry none of this is relevant

[lepitorus]

important question. what's the scariest fnaf animatronic (if you think any of them are scary)? to me it will always be golden freddy bc I had 20 million mental illnesses in middle school and all of them told me he was going to Jeff the KILL ME in real life. ok thanks goodnight

Golden Freddy is a solid choice!

I'm not really scared of any of them (I love real animatronics very, very much, so when I look at FNAF ones I mostly feel bad and think "I COULD SAVE HIM I COULD WASH AND BRUSH AND FIX HIM") but I think design-wise Withered Chica is the creepiest. Something about her gaping mouth and handless T-pose is just... off. Thanks for asking!!

[yerimbrit]

you're my dream : h. yunjin

synopsis: your girlfriend wakes you up at the crack of dawn for a sweet picnic date watching the sunrise.

# pairing ! nonidol!huh yunjin x reader

# tags ! just fluff really, established relationship, reader's gender isn't mentioned, usages of both 'jen' and 'yunjin', yunjin is one year older but it's not that relevant

# wordcount ! 1.7k

# warnings ! none

"babe, get up; i've got something special planned for us."

yunjin shook you awake, but you groaned and pulled the covers back over your shoulders.

"y/n..." she whined. you could tell she was pouting by the tone of her voice.

deciding not to make her wait any longer since she seemed so keen on getting you awake, you peeled the white comforter off your body and sat up. as you thought, your girlfriend was standing next to the bed with a big, sad pout on her lips. and of course, she was flashing you her infamous puppy dog eyes. as much as you loved your beauty sleep, you loved yunjin even more, so you could never be mad at her and her (adorably) dumb puppy eyes for waking you up.

you rubbed your eyes, attempting to get the sleepiness out before speaking. "what is it, jen?"

"i have a surprise for you! so get ready, we're gonna go out, please?"

she took your hands in hers, giving them a squeeze before pulling you out of bed without waiting for an answer. you followed her to the closet without much resistance, where she quickly handed you one of her favorite sweatshirts and a pair of washed-out jeans.

yunjin left for you to change, and when you entered the bathroom you're alone with your thoughts as you slipped into the clothes she picked for you and got ready.

you and yunjin had met in a rather intriguing way. you had reserved a private room at the library to study, and she barged in, out of breath and wide eyes.

(you were well into your study session, soft lofi playing into your headphones. you had a quiz in bio coming up, and you were not about to fail unlike your friend yizhuo who slept in class all the time. she was always a mystery to you anyway; always at parties, always getting drunk, and never paying attention in class. regardless, she was still your best friend, you two having met back in high school. you stopped her antics when it got too far, and she showed you how to truly live life and have fun.

"peristalsis is similar to propulsion where the food is moving through the system," you muttered to yourself, jotting the words down into your notebook, glancing at your laptop screen which showed the recorded lecture from last week.

you were about to unpause the lecture to try to catch more things you missed until the door burst open, revealing a girl who you recognized as the cute barista at the cafe you frequented on campus. she was leaning on the door panting, her hands on her knees as her gaze redirected from the door she just slammed to you, a sheepish smile making its way to her face.

"hi," she breathed out.

you tilted your head. "hi?"

she grabbed a plastic bottle from her bag and took a few gulps of water, letting out a relieved sigh after hydrating herself. she turned to face you.

"i'm so sorry for interrupting you. i'm yunjin, by the way, but you can call me jen."

amused, you pulled out a chair for her, gesturing for her to take a seat, to which she grinned and thanked you for before sitting down.

"it's not a problem," you reassured her, "why'd you do it though?"

her cheeks flushed, and she looked away briefly. 'cute,' you think.

"well, long story short... i lost a bet against one of my friends," she giggled, "and was trying to escape from my fate.")

you two hit it off after that, and soon you had started waiting for yunjin's shift to end so you could see her. after numerous ranting sessions with yizhuo and after 4 months, she was now your girlfriend. it's now been 8 months and you think it's safe to say she's the best you've ever had.

a loud clattering of what seemed to be things falling to the ground followed by an "i'm okay!" from yunjin woke you from your train of recollection. grabbing your phone, you exited the connected bathroom and opened the bedroom door to see the girl you were just thinking about, surrounded by a few books that have fallen to the floor.

"...oops?" she laughed, picking the fallen books up and putting them back onto the shelf. "ready to go, y/nnie?"

interlocking your hands, you nodded and let her lead you out of your shared apartment and to her car. it was still dark outside. she opened the door for you, then going around to the driver's seat and putting on a playlist you two made, titled 'youngluv' with a heart at the end.

the car ride was spent in comfortable silence, her hand over yours on the armrest. you asked where you were going once, and all she replied with was, "you'll see."

after a good 15 minutes, yunjin parked the car and opened the door for you once again. you followed her to the trunk where you're met with a picnic basket and blanket.

"surprise!"

you gasped, looking to your girlfriend, who only had a cheeky grin on her face.

"jen, what's this for?" you asked, worrying that you forgot an anniversary or a birthday.

she hummed in response. "nothing, really. i just felt like it. and i thought you'd like it."

"you're so sweet, jen. i love it," you say, grabbing the blanket from the car. yunjin got the basket. your eyes softened when she looked towards you with bright eyes.

you both carried the things from the car to a nice grassy spot overlooking the sea. the blanket is spread and you set the basket on top of the soft fabric. yunjin ran back to the car and retrieved a bouquet of flowers from the backseat, presenting it to you with a bright smile.

she bowed dramatically. "for you, m'lady."

"why, thank you kind miss," you giggled, taking the flowers and smelling them. "they're beautiful."

"only the best for my one and only."

you laughed, eyes crinkling up into crescents, and yunjin takes a second to admire your smile.

"i only receive the best from my knight in shining armor!"

you set the flowers down while yunjin took out tupperware containers out from the basket. she opens them one by one, allowing you to see what she's packed for the day. your eyes sparkled at the cut strawberries, and you almost drooled at the sight of your favorite sandwiches made by yunjin.

"does it look good?" she asked. you brought your attention to the girl, who picked up a piece of strawberry and holds it up to your lips.

"it does," you say, your mouth automatically opened and she feeds it to you.

the sweetness of the fruit was a welcome surprise to your taste buds. you haven't had anything since you were abruptly woken up, and the fruit was a nice way to wash out the minty flavor of your toothpaste.

you squeal at the taste, and take another piece of strawberry to feed to your lover.

"wow. i think that's the best strawberry i've ever had, seriously."

"you're lying."

"i'm not!"

you're in the middle of taking a bite of your sandwich when yunjin nudges your shoulder. raising your eyebrow, you follow her pointed finger until widening your eyes at the sight of the sunrise.

in awe, you put down your sandwich and turned to watch the sky being painted varying shades of red, orange, and yellow.

"the sun looks like an egg yolk," the older girl stated. you smiled and nudged her shoulder. she returned your smile and tried to defend herself. "what? i'm right. it looks like a sunny side up egg."

"you're right," you say, and lean your head on her shoulder. "it does look like an egg."

yunjin rests her head on top of yours. "do you know why i woke you up so early and prepared all this?"

you shook your head. she hummed.

"i remember you telling me about this dream you had. i think it was after our three month anniversary."

("morning, jen."

"good morning, sunshine! sleep well?"

you hugged the girl from behind, wrapping your arms around her waist from where she was standing at the kitchen counter. she was brewing a cup of coffee for the two of you for the morning.

"yeah. i had a dream," you said.)

"you said, 'we went on a picnic, and we were feeding each other strawberries. you also packed those sandwiches of yours that i love, and we sat there just watching the sunrise. it was really sweet, i'd love to have that in real life too.'"

you turned your gaze to yunjin. "you remember all that? word for word?"

she fed you another piece of strawberry to close your gaping mouth, and nodded. "i've been planning it for months, waiting for a free space in our schedules for this."

confused, you get up from her shoulder when she reaches for a small box in the picnic basket you thought was empty. when she opens the box in front of you, you let out a gasp of astonishment.

inside were a pair of silver rings, engraved with your initials and the date of the day you first met on the inside.

"yunjin, these are..." she interrupted you, "promise rings."

"i wanted to make this date perfect, so i contacted one of my old friends whose family owns a jewelry store, and got these custom made for us. aren't they amazing?"

you looked into her deep, brown eyes, and took the ring engraved with your initials and slipped it onto her ring finger.

"they're gorgeous, my love."

she gleamed, and slipped the other ring onto your ring finger.

"i'm glad you like them."

you rested your head back onto yunjin's shoulder and interlocked your fingers together.

the rest of the morning was spent finishing all the snacks your girlfriend packed, and taking pictures of each other and the scenery around you, laughs and kisses shared under the golden sunlight shining upon the two of you.

if one was focusing enough, one might be able to see two glints of rings shining from the distance.

a/n : first public post ... this was so fun to write + i thought i'd feed the yunjinators not my best work but i wanted to put it out :)

[excessive-vampires]

Dealing with Demons Chapter 10: Something Unnecessarily Personal Part 1: Riley

Masterlist with CW

Taglist: @demyxdancer @softvampirewhump @d-cs

Cliff Mason no longer lived at his last known address, surprising none but disappointing all. The team went to investigate anyway, looking for anything that might suggest where he was or what he was trying to do. Well, the team minus Riley.

Riley was stuck in the library looking up everything the Bureau had on symbolism based rituals involving demons. As far as Riley could tell, the Bureau had absolutely nothing. At least nothing in the database or the few relevant books they could find.

Unlike the lack of information on demons, the reason the shelves were so bereft of information on symbolism based rituals was because not a lot of information existed.

Normal rituals followed a known set of rules, but the rules for symbolism based rituals depended on, well, symbolism and the associations and intent the caster brought to the table. So that meant that each ritual was different, and Riley had to go through the collection of old spellbooks at the back of the shelves hoping that someone somewhere had tried to do the exact same thing in the exact same way and then had their notes confiscated by the Bureau. Which was unlikely, since not a lot of people attempted symbolism based rituals. The outcomes tended to be unpredictable in unexpected ways.

Riley slammed shut another useless book and put their head down on their desk. It was the end of the workday and all the other researchers had gone home, so no one heard them as they let out a frustrated groan. They should be out with the others. Well, probably not seeing as this was all they could do to help and someone had to do it, but they wanted to be out with the others. They wanted to be good for something other than research. If only they could cast spells! Then they could train to be more useful out in the field. Mike and Sil were always facing horrible dangers and Riley just had to sit there in the library and hope their best friends didn't die.

"Oh, so you get to nap while the rest of us investigate? I always knew you researchers were slackers."

Mike's teasing brought Riley out of their rapidly spiralling mindset. They lifted their head and smiled in relief. "Hey, what did you find?"

"A whole lot of nothing. Mason knows how to clean out a place, there was no sign of his plans, and nothing Sil could use for a tracking spell."

"You're kidding."

"No toothbrush, no hairbrush, not even a coffee mug. I've moved into places that had more of their last owner left in them than this apartment."

"Are you sure the landlord didn't clean it out?"

"Mason had the rent for the place paid in advance up through the end of the year, but no one's seen him around there since April."

"Damn. I'm sorry, Mike."

"Yeah, well, at least we're not completely out of leads. Avi's with Sil trying to remember everything they can about the room they were summoned to since it wasn't that place's basement."

"How did it go? Working with Avi without..."

"Without you as a buffer? Well, Sil kept things professional, which helped a lot. If not for her, me and your demon might have had a fistfight to determine who got to be the funny one."

Riley laughed then stopped abruptly as Mike's words caught up to them. "Th-They're not my demon!"

"Relax, I'm just giving you a hard time. They did complain that you weren't there, though."

"Yeah?" Riley was curious despite themself.

"Yeah, kept going on and on about how you're the only one on our team that knows anything true about demons."

"Oh god, what did you say?"

"Hey, why assume it was me? Sil could've messed up!"

Upon seeing Riley's incredulous face, Mike looked down at the floor. "Okay yeah, it was me. I asked them if they used to be an angel. And you don't have to tell me why I'm wrong, they went on a huge rant about how the difference is arbitrary and sin and virtue are human societal constructs and seriously, Riley, they would not shut up."

Riley's chest felt tight as they were struck with a sudden jealousy. And not because Avi's rant would have undoubtedly contained information about demons that the Bureau didn't know. Mike and Sil were Riley's team and they had spent the day... not having fun but at the very least bonding with Avi. Angry tears started to well up in their eyes.

"So, did you find anything?" Mike looked at them critically. "Riley?"

"Oh, um," Riley wiped the tears away. "I didn't find anything either. I guess today was a bust for all of us."

"Are you okay, Riley? Did something happen?"

"No, no, I'm just frustrated about the lack of leads."

"Yeah, me too... I hope Clara's okay. To go through what happened with Bell and then this..."

"Don't worry, we'll find her and get her home and her and Jessica will invite us all to their wedding."

"Yeah, that'd be nice. Ian's been complaining that I haven't taken him anywhere fancy lately."

"I can't imagine you in a fancy setting, Mike, it's just not computing."

"Hey! I can clean up nice when I want to."

Riley didn't doubt it, Mike was a good-looking guy underneath the lack of care put into his appearance. But that didn't mean Riley was going to stop teasing him. "Sure you do."

"Aw, screw you, Riley."

They both laughed.

"Come on," Mike said. "Let's go and report our lack of progress to Coleman."

[bisolationist]

I'm so frustrated with that menalez "is solidarity possible between lesbians and bi women" discussion because it acts like the harm is completely one-sided. yeah I know bi women can be homophobic and more privileged but that doesn't mean it's an imagined one-sided problem and all behavior against bi women is fine. After a man that sexually assaulted me started bragging he turned me, everyone took his word for things and lesbians around my campus would passive aggressively 'whisper' things like "eugh it smells like c*m in here" when I walked in the room, or they spray whipped cream in my drinks at a party now while mimicking a dick. Or when I got a girlfriend they shit talked her so much that it made our relationship impossible. Almost more than the assault it made campus unlivable and I had to drop out. And what about the other bi women that see this behavior too, is not just about me. I know this send at least one other woman back in the closet and another into insisting she was a lesbian. Maybe that's cowardly and wrong of her but how can they not see they encourage that with how they act? But they never think this is important lack of solidarity. And is also how many people refuse to even bisexuals have any difficulties or oppression at all. Many say they don't experience homophobia,. Those people are IRL too and in groups and making important choices. GC darling Kathleen Stock was saying not too long ago Bisexuals are only politically relevant when they are in a same-sex relationship. As if our oppression doesn't start before and continue after. I'm sorry for the rant it just makes me sad.

I don't know what discussion you're talking about and frankly I don't want to comment directly on that if it's supposed to be about bi women and lesbians specifically.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that, anon. But I'll say that your story is not at all uncommon. I'm honestly kind of stunned because I've also run into the "ew you're going to smell like fish" (this being a crude and misogynist reference to vaginas ofc) from gay men, so that very much brought back some bad memories. I've mentioned it recently, but there's definitely something very weird about how many bisexual people see harassment from gay/lesbian people go SHARPLY up after they deal with a homophobic/biphobic incident from a heterosexual person, and especially if it's sexual assault. It happened to me after my CSA *and* after my mother cut me off, though in different ways. I've talked to a fair number of bi women that were either turned away from "LGB" support groups after a homophobic crime, or else faced ridicule and harassment there so they ended up feeling worse. The pattern seems to be that here's this logic that since bi women can be attracted to men, that homophobic men assaulting them thus isn't an "LGB" related issue. And before anyone puts words in my mouth none of this is to say that gay people oppress us or that they even could oppress us. But I think there's a lot of people eager to twist the knife when hets do. I still can't wrap my head around why there's so much aggression specifically aimed at people that speak openly about SA or homophobic treatment from heterosexuals. At best I can imagine that these people believe in pushing a certain agenda where bisexuals don't live meaningfully different lives than heterosexuals, and thus it's all right to treat them a certain way? So like they react to bisexuals talking about their oppression as a challenge and as a non-oppressed group trying to claim oppression that isn't theirs? Sorry, I'm rambling and speculating at this point. But yeah I'm really sorry you and so many others I've heard from have had similar incidents. I do wish it was something we could address with more respect and an understanding that even if "oppression" isn't in play it's still an extremely traumatic and harmful reaction that compounds the already difficult feelings of sexual assault while being a sexual minority.

[promethes]

(this isn't relevant to anything really but) that outline snippet made me have the thought "omg i really want to read the full essay" for like the 4th time ever in my life, it looked really good

okay below this is just a really long ramble of thoughts i had that seemed related to the outline but i can't 100% promise they are, feel free to stop reading here and just delete lmao.

and yeah i hate that the specific "looks" (which are. mostly purchased objects? and expensive shit at that) of young skinny white american gay ppl with money are the only things that people clock as looking/being gay. it's so dumb like i literally AM a young white american gay person and none of the "relatable" posts/videos online are even approaching relatable? like years ago i saw a tiktok compilation and it was like "how you know your whole friend group is gay" and it was just this video of a house party and they all had. the same. expensive pair of shoes. in the same color and everything.

i hate the concept of equating the things you buy with your identity in the first place but gay culture (online at least, since i haven't had much of that in person in the past few years & can't speak to it) being Only That just seems even worse because it's alienating to so many people who are literally. already alienated at least somewhat from their surroundings/communities just bc they're gay (using gay as an umbrella here).

that video is the one that creeped me out the most but there are so many like it that just make me want to ask so many questions. why is almost everything they call "gay culture" actually something that has nothing to do with being gay and everything to do with their nationality, their specific culture, the amount of money they have? do they literally just go out of their way to befriend people who act/look/talk/dress the exact same way they do, because how does sth like that shoe situation even happen?? and finally, can they seriously not realize they're making up this exclusive culture up where everyone talks/dresses/etc the same?

i know people can be stupid and oblivious all the time, but it's almost unbelievable to me that these people don't realize they're emulating the exact behavior of literally the popular cliques or whatever from high schools. like there are max 2 or 3 acceptable ways to have that identity. it's really hard to believe sometimes that they genuinely don't realize they're... what, responding to some culture that alienated them by making up a new exclusive culture to alienate everyone else in the same boat, instead of a community? like i don't want to believe it's intentional, but it seems so pervasive online that it's like. i don't even like seeing or engaging with "relatable" posts about gay culture or discourse.

anyway sorry for rambling at you, i think i had this rant bottled up for like years with no one to really say it to and now it's. in your inbox.

also i'm not gonna be offended if you didn't read this and/or don't reply, it's long as fuck and also i feel like every time you say something even approaching controversial, even though you're literally right, you get some kind of angry horde after you, so you def have good reason not to post this

yeah exactly the consumerism is out of controool. also i actually posted the essay a while back here if you still wanna read it

[k-s-morgan]

Yo, whoever just....SENT you UNSOLICITED ctitism??? They're either a youngling that hasn't learned the rules or fanfiction or they're just an asshole. That ask was worded very politely but that was such an assholish thing to do??? "Sadly, I will stop reading your story" DUDE WHO CARES. YOU DEADASS COULD'VE JUST QUIETLY STEPPED OUT WHEN THE STORY STARTED TURNING IN A DIRECTION THAT MADE YOU UNCOMFY WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING. There was literally NO NEED for them to come tell you all that and the only reason they did is because they're arrogant and think that only their opinion matters. They just...disregarded creative freedom completely. You handled it well but I just wanted to stop by and tell you that your characterization is actually very realistic and it is miles better than some other fics I've seen, which I will not name because I'm NOT AN ASSHOLE. Sorry to come ranting into your inbox but that ask got me fired up.

Another message:  horrible anon that wrote the rude condescending& pathetic ask ab harry being weak for not being able to stomach tom MURDERING people i have no words. made me mad! book harry would NOT be okay with murder! & fuck them for saying those mean things ab u that arnt true. this is UR story. u can do WHATEVER u want with it. nobody has any right to demand things from u & u dont have to take any criticism if u dont want it. the entitlement of some people🤬. also i dont know why they assume you should care their going to “stop reading” like okay bye 😌 still gonna have like 200,000 hits

Another message from @likorys-shimenawa:  I didn't want to be rude the anon, but... "You know something is wrong with your characterisation when more than one person gets hot and bothered about it" seriously broke me. They DO remember that people still think Snape was an incel out for hookup with Lily? When the only person to believe that was damn VOLDEMORT? Just cause many people say something doesn't make it true. Also - Harry's 'constant whimpering'? Did they miss how he spend months hung up on the Horcruxes, doing nothing, as well?

-----------------------------------------------------

I decided to group most of criticism-related asks together - I hope you don’t mind! Thank all of you for your support, it really means a lot to me. I’m not very bothered by negative comments/asks, but they sure aren’t pleasant to get.

The thing with stories is that everyone perceives them in a unique way. I saw the most ironic evidence of this with my Russian Snape-centered fic. I got two comments in sequence from two different people: one said my Snape is too nice; the second one said he is too evil. Everyone else felt he was canon-like. It was funny to see these comments posted right next to each other, and none of them was technically wrong: people have their view of the character, and it won’t always coincide with that of others.

It’s inevitable to lose readers along the way. The more relevant decisions characters make, the more defined the plot becomes, and some people start finding it not to their liking. That’s okay, but it’s important to remember that your experience is your own. Others might not share it.

That’s why I‘m not going to reply to asks similar to the one I got again. I already explained my view, there is nothing left for me to add. But to sum it up for the last time:

I think Harry’s ability to love can be a curse just as it can be a gift. I think he’s pretty strong, even though this love cripples him in many ways. He raised a better version of Tom on the global scale and a worse monster on the local one. He managed to control Tom’s destructiveness for years, and it broke his heart every time Tom did something similar to Voldemort. Beth was a shock because Harry’d believed he was succeeding in making Tom better just by loving him and explaining what’s right and what’s wrong. After that, he was constantly wary, yet the more Tom lived without hurting anyone, the more hopeful Harry became. Every setback shook him, but Tom never killed again - he learned how to stop, and Harry tried to focus on this. He had evidence of Tom being better, so his expectations worked accordingly. Learning about Charlus was a terrible blow because for one thing, Harry was already feeling terrible due to killing a person and watching his student die to protect him. For another, he realized that Tom killed a part of his family again. Of course he was stunned and horrified - this was his worst nightmare come true. And the ritual was the last drop in the overfilled bowl of his patience and hopes. Harry tried to watch out for others, he forgot to watch out for himself.

In my eyes, this is consistent with his behavior in canon + the changes he lived through in WHGTB. I’m happy that many readers share this view, and I’m sorry others don’t (though I get it), but I really don’t need to know that you want to stop reading. If the story no longer makes you feel happy or interested, just close it and look for another one. Fandom is supposed to be fun, and no writer can please everyone. Characterization is a complex thing - for the most part, it’s not universal. Things you disagree with will be something others agree with and vice versa. That’s fiction, and that’s why it’s such a fascinating concept.    

[aijee]

Hi, aijee! how are you? It's been so...long since I visited your tumblr account. I've been reading your rants and thoughts about your personal life and mw prompt and I really appreciated it. As someone who also having a hard time in my workplace, I've been feeling so lonely and depressed these days. I'm happy that I finally got a job and will be able to help my family in terms of financial but I'm feeling lonely because of the people I've been working with (1/2)

I feel left out and sometimes, i feel like they don't like me or is it just me, overthinking ㅜ.ㅜ anyway, I miss reading your fics. Hope, you're doing well these days!~

Hi anon, I'm feeling alright these days, thank you for asking. :) Not the best that I can be, to be frank, but I'm trying to remind myself that recovery and healing is a slow process, equally for physical and mental/emotional ailments.

Excuse the long read below (though I feel like you probably anticipated that!) I resonated with your messages.

If you'll let me vent a bit, I don't want to beat myself up for not being as energetic/productive as I used to be. The worst part of my brain keeps thinking, "Yeah, sure, we're in a pandemic, but life has always been hard, and there are so many other people who are doing just fine in this pandemic." In reality, a pandemic is a pandemic. It's unprecedented, a big fucking deal, and vaccines don't solve the wider societal issues connected to it. None of us have ever prepared for this sort of thing. Plus, we will never really know if people are truly okay based on face-value and assumptions; hell, fully vaccinated people are still suffering worldwide—financially, socially, constantly weighed by the pressure of, again, a global pandemic. I don't want to keep reminding people of it, but I guess I'm trying to remind others (and myself, honestly) that this never-ending feeling of burnout isn't out of nowhere and isn't a direct reflection of our capabilities.

To actually address your messages, first of all I want to congratulate you on your job and your newfound opportunity to financially support your family! Your family is lucky to have someone like you financially supporting them in a difficult time. Hopefully that part of your life isn't too big a burden. (I know too many people who work hard for their families, only for families to leech off of them, largely due to this societal expectation in many Asian cultures that earnings and resources are for the betterment of the whole family.)

I'm sorry to hear that your workplace life is on the more sad side of the spectrum, and that you feel lonely and depressed there. If I correctly recall, it's a medical job, right? I imagine The Big Health Problem worldwide isn't helping, if not already exacerbated medical workplace environments since long ago.

If I may offer some perspective, I understand the feelings you're feeling. Starting a new job is really tough! You're the new person so you haven't established relationships with others yet. You don't know everything or where things are located as easily. You need to ask for help. And if the people around you aren't receptive to that "baby worker" stage, then it can be tough to feel like you belong. It'll feel lonely, like you're not doing something right and/or other people don't like you because of inevitable gaps in what you know.

I felt super incompetent through the first few months of full-time work, like my boss only hired me because I worked part-time for them as a student (which is nothing compared to the real job). Everyone around me was always busy, smart, accomplished, etc. But I realized that because everyone is so busy (+ social distancing always in the air), hanging out is rarely on the mind. I had to go the extra mile outside my comfort zone to invite people to eat with me, or talk about non-work things, etc. Most people were pretty receptive to that! Those who weren't might not be in the mood (they have their own complex lives, after all) or preoccupied; maybe a different day/time, or maybe they're just not someone I should engage with. That has nothing to do with me. I know not every workplace is like that, but I like think that normal human beings with some heart would be glad to socialize or eat together if invited.

I don't want to push advice onto you, because that's not what you asked for. But my intention is to hopefully lighten your burden by pointing fingers at uncontrollable circumstances and the personal lives your coworkers live outside your knowledge.

Additionally, I'm a huge introvert with anxiety and depression, and I'm the type of person who would obsess over how I think other people think of me. But through some therapy insight, lots of reflection, and even more time, I've come to the realization that how I think people think of me is not the same as how people actually think of me. It makes sense that we'd have that defense mechanism though, right? To minimize conflict and to protect ourselves from hurt. But then I'd overthink literally every interaction I'd have with people and run my internal self ragged with negative opinions of myself that didn't come from others—they came from myself. I imagine that the "perfection" expected of medical workers could factor into this defense mechanism and cycle. It took me a long time to learn that I can stop bending myself backwards in the desperate hope of preventing negative opinions about me, since those will exist no matter what.

This isn't something that can be fixed, clearly, and might not even be that relevant to you. But I wanted to mention it anyway in the chance it would be.

I obviously don't know you personally, or the nuances of your workplace. There are probably a million and one other pertinent details I can't address. And there's also obviously a balance between not giving a shit about other people's opinions vs. acting in a way to maintain workplace harmony. But hopefully one or two things I've written in this long-ass post will be of some help to you moving forward in your work. There is still a lot of potential for positive change. It'll take time.

[theinkdiaries]

And with a Touch I Shatter

Fingertips, heartstrings and snapping sounds echoing.

Long he stood there, motionless,  paralysed.

Reverting back and emerging from, froth again. To and fro, as it where.

All we touch. All we feel.

The pinnacle of what it is.

Single accumulative point in time, mashed up mass of distorted recollections bottled up for years and locked away in the effectively surpressed vault.

Self deception says all is well. Problem solved he thought; forget about the... can't remember what it was.

Life whispers: "as the bunny hops". And the jar was dropped spilling all the shit he meticulously bottle up.

Life in humming tones, flashes for an instance, flares once and dies.

Like dropping a porcelain cup, that oh shit moment, falling as you watch, react, reflex, grasp, reach out to clenching fist, fingers wrapping round a substantial amount of oxygen not previously owned but it'll cost ya to breathe again.

Price tag: prevention is suddenly forfeit.

Unrelated though in immediate effect the following is suddenly somehow relevant; so abruptly ease into it. Ps. Still standing there like a soldier, minus the solute which is in any case a completely irrelevant way to display respect. Respect I'm sure though it may be closely related to discipline, in some obsure precept of a warped ass view created by some strongly opinionated ancient alpha male types in those simpler times when the world was pure, when the world was still; it was flat right? 

Fuck; my mind ran away there for a sec causing me to rant about some nonsense that really grinds my gears in fact but, I'm sorry none the less, did't mean to digress. My bad.

To get us back on track I'll open with the fact that during all of this he never moved an inch.

Why you ask? You didn't but thats fine for you see the reason behind his seemingly locked in place, some might say corpse like limbs on account of his blueish skin, medical term impaired blood circulation bla bla doctor things, prescriptions and a metric fuck ton of meds again.

He didn't move beacuse of the palm on his chest,  because the nasty ass scar on the wrist of that palm and because he knew the person attached to it. Mostly because of who she was to him,  was being present tense, just go with it.

Right so obviously this man standing there like a zombie buffering, with the little wheel still turning please be patient while loading... he is eiher a few eggs short of a dozen or perhaps he is completely caught up in what could very well be the most radiant fucking being he's ever seen and what if, assuming option B is in fact the cause of every thing thus far, what if she was smiling at him?

Would that make sense? A vaid explination for the motionless man caught in trance, with the hand on his chest, every hair on the back of his neck and on both of his arms, between the cigarette burns and thick layers of scars standing up as if called to rise for some profoundly selfless cause.

Heat flashes and the touch is all is, the only thing he feels, a tear drop trickling down the damn wall of his left cheek. Floodgates would flood the earth in what they felt before the nice clean floor was ruined by blood puddling up, stained the rug, and with a nice clean cut, broken record the last word before we is what we are.

In short, smooth skin was severely fuked up beacuse the thumping heart came to a screeching halt and I almost forgot to breath again; inhale once.

The touch of a hand is all it took to take him back. To flip the hourglass on it head and a slight crack to scatter the sands like dust in the frivolous wind.

Finally bowing his head, a moment of silence, a display of respect previously mentioned. He is leaning in with trembling lips parting slightly to say: "Last touch". Fading he withers, having seen her.

In a glimpse my lover, and with a touch I shatter.

-Inkgrave.v.Godart