#i'm ranting though sorry none of this is relevant

[lepitorus]

important question. what's the scariest fnaf animatronic (if you think any of them are scary)? to me it will always be golden freddy bc I had 20 million mental illnesses in middle school and all of them told me he was going to Jeff the KILL ME in real life. ok thanks goodnight

Golden Freddy is a solid choice!

I'm not really scared of any of them (I love real animatronics very, very much, so when I look at FNAF ones I mostly feel bad and think "I COULD SAVE HIM I COULD WASH AND BRUSH AND FIX HIM") but I think design-wise Withered Chica is the creepiest. Something about her gaping mouth and handless T-pose is just... off. Thanks for asking!!

[yerimbrit]

you're my dream : h. yunjin

synopsis: your girlfriend wakes you up at the crack of dawn for a sweet picnic date watching the sunrise.

# pairing ! nonidol!huh yunjin x reader

# tags ! just fluff really, established relationship, reader's gender isn't mentioned, usages of both 'jen' and 'yunjin', yunjin is one year older but it's not that relevant

# wordcount ! 1.7k

# warnings ! none

"babe, get up; i've got something special planned for us."

yunjin shook you awake, but you groaned and pulled the covers back over your shoulders.

"y/n..." she whined. you could tell she was pouting by the tone of her voice.

deciding not to make her wait any longer since she seemed so keen on getting you awake, you peeled the white comforter off your body and sat up. as you thought, your girlfriend was standing next to the bed with a big, sad pout on her lips. and of course, she was flashing you her infamous puppy dog eyes. as much as you loved your beauty sleep, you loved yunjin even more, so you could never be mad at her and her (adorably) dumb puppy eyes for waking you up.

you rubbed your eyes, attempting to get the sleepiness out before speaking. "what is it, jen?"

"i have a surprise for you! so get ready, we're gonna go out, please?"

she took your hands in hers, giving them a squeeze before pulling you out of bed without waiting for an answer. you followed her to the closet without much resistance, where she quickly handed you one of her favorite sweatshirts and a pair of washed-out jeans.

yunjin left for you to change, and when you entered the bathroom you're alone with your thoughts as you slipped into the clothes she picked for you and got ready.

you and yunjin had met in a rather intriguing way. you had reserved a private room at the library to study, and she barged in, out of breath and wide eyes.

(you were well into your study session, soft lofi playing into your headphones. you had a quiz in bio coming up, and you were not about to fail unlike your friend yizhuo who slept in class all the time. she was always a mystery to you anyway; always at parties, always getting drunk, and never paying attention in class. regardless, she was still your best friend, you two having met back in high school. you stopped her antics when it got too far, and she showed you how to truly live life and have fun.

"peristalsis is similar to propulsion where the food is moving through the system," you muttered to yourself, jotting the words down into your notebook, glancing at your laptop screen which showed the recorded lecture from last week.

you were about to unpause the lecture to try to catch more things you missed until the door burst open, revealing a girl who you recognized as the cute barista at the cafe you frequented on campus. she was leaning on the door panting, her hands on her knees as her gaze redirected from the door she just slammed to you, a sheepish smile making its way to her face.

"hi," she breathed out.

you tilted your head. "hi?"

she grabbed a plastic bottle from her bag and took a few gulps of water, letting out a relieved sigh after hydrating herself. she turned to face you.

"i'm so sorry for interrupting you. i'm yunjin, by the way, but you can call me jen."

amused, you pulled out a chair for her, gesturing for her to take a seat, to which she grinned and thanked you for before sitting down.

"it's not a problem," you reassured her, "why'd you do it though?"

her cheeks flushed, and she looked away briefly. 'cute,' you think.

"well, long story short... i lost a bet against one of my friends," she giggled, "and was trying to escape from my fate.")

you two hit it off after that, and soon you had started waiting for yunjin's shift to end so you could see her. after numerous ranting sessions with yizhuo and after 4 months, she was now your girlfriend. it's now been 8 months and you think it's safe to say she's the best you've ever had.

a loud clattering of what seemed to be things falling to the ground followed by an "i'm okay!" from yunjin woke you from your train of recollection. grabbing your phone, you exited the connected bathroom and opened the bedroom door to see the girl you were just thinking about, surrounded by a few books that have fallen to the floor.

"...oops?" she laughed, picking the fallen books up and putting them back onto the shelf. "ready to go, y/nnie?"

interlocking your hands, you nodded and let her lead you out of your shared apartment and to her car. it was still dark outside. she opened the door for you, then going around to the driver's seat and putting on a playlist you two made, titled 'youngluv' with a heart at the end.

the car ride was spent in comfortable silence, her hand over yours on the armrest. you asked where you were going once, and all she replied with was, "you'll see."

after a good 15 minutes, yunjin parked the car and opened the door for you once again. you followed her to the trunk where you're met with a picnic basket and blanket.

"surprise!"

you gasped, looking to your girlfriend, who only had a cheeky grin on her face.

"jen, what's this for?" you asked, worrying that you forgot an anniversary or a birthday.

she hummed in response. "nothing, really. i just felt like it. and i thought you'd like it."

"you're so sweet, jen. i love it," you say, grabbing the blanket from the car. yunjin got the basket. your eyes softened when she looked towards you with bright eyes.

you both carried the things from the car to a nice grassy spot overlooking the sea. the blanket is spread and you set the basket on top of the soft fabric. yunjin ran back to the car and retrieved a bouquet of flowers from the backseat, presenting it to you with a bright smile.

she bowed dramatically. "for you, m'lady."

"why, thank you kind miss," you giggled, taking the flowers and smelling them. "they're beautiful."

"only the best for my one and only."

you laughed, eyes crinkling up into crescents, and yunjin takes a second to admire your smile.

"i only receive the best from my knight in shining armor!"

you set the flowers down while yunjin took out tupperware containers out from the basket. she opens them one by one, allowing you to see what she's packed for the day. your eyes sparkled at the cut strawberries, and you almost drooled at the sight of your favorite sandwiches made by yunjin.

"does it look good?" she asked. you brought your attention to the girl, who picked up a piece of strawberry and holds it up to your lips.

"it does," you say, your mouth automatically opened and she feeds it to you.

the sweetness of the fruit was a welcome surprise to your taste buds. you haven't had anything since you were abruptly woken up, and the fruit was a nice way to wash out the minty flavor of your toothpaste.

you squeal at the taste, and take another piece of strawberry to feed to your lover.

"wow. i think that's the best strawberry i've ever had, seriously."

"you're lying."

"i'm not!"

you're in the middle of taking a bite of your sandwich when yunjin nudges your shoulder. raising your eyebrow, you follow her pointed finger until widening your eyes at the sight of the sunrise.

in awe, you put down your sandwich and turned to watch the sky being painted varying shades of red, orange, and yellow.

"the sun looks like an egg yolk," the older girl stated. you smiled and nudged her shoulder. she returned your smile and tried to defend herself. "what? i'm right. it looks like a sunny side up egg."

"you're right," you say, and lean your head on her shoulder. "it does look like an egg."

yunjin rests her head on top of yours. "do you know why i woke you up so early and prepared all this?"

you shook your head. she hummed.

"i remember you telling me about this dream you had. i think it was after our three month anniversary."

("morning, jen."

"good morning, sunshine! sleep well?"

you hugged the girl from behind, wrapping your arms around her waist from where she was standing at the kitchen counter. she was brewing a cup of coffee for the two of you for the morning.

"yeah. i had a dream," you said.)

"you said, 'we went on a picnic, and we were feeding each other strawberries. you also packed those sandwiches of yours that i love, and we sat there just watching the sunrise. it was really sweet, i'd love to have that in real life too.'"

you turned your gaze to yunjin. "you remember all that? word for word?"

she fed you another piece of strawberry to close your gaping mouth, and nodded. "i've been planning it for months, waiting for a free space in our schedules for this."

confused, you get up from her shoulder when she reaches for a small box in the picnic basket you thought was empty. when she opens the box in front of you, you let out a gasp of astonishment.

inside were a pair of silver rings, engraved with your initials and the date of the day you first met on the inside.

"yunjin, these are..." she interrupted you, "promise rings."

"i wanted to make this date perfect, so i contacted one of my old friends whose family owns a jewelry store, and got these custom made for us. aren't they amazing?"

you looked into her deep, brown eyes, and took the ring engraved with your initials and slipped it onto her ring finger.

"they're gorgeous, my love."

she gleamed, and slipped the other ring onto your ring finger.

"i'm glad you like them."

you rested your head back onto yunjin's shoulder and interlocked your fingers together.

the rest of the morning was spent finishing all the snacks your girlfriend packed, and taking pictures of each other and the scenery around you, laughs and kisses shared under the golden sunlight shining upon the two of you.

if one was focusing enough, one might be able to see two glints of rings shining from the distance.

a/n : first public post ... this was so fun to write + i thought i'd feed the yunjinators not my best work but i wanted to put it out :)

[excessive-vampires]

Dealing with Demons Chapter 10: Something Unnecessarily Personal Part 1: Riley

Masterlist with CW

Taglist: @demyxdancer @softvampirewhump @d-cs

Cliff Mason no longer lived at his last known address, surprising none but disappointing all. The team went to investigate anyway, looking for anything that might suggest where he was or what he was trying to do. Well, the team minus Riley.

Riley was stuck in the library looking up everything the Bureau had on symbolism based rituals involving demons. As far as Riley could tell, the Bureau had absolutely nothing. At least nothing in the database or the few relevant books they could find.

Unlike the lack of information on demons, the reason the shelves were so bereft of information on symbolism based rituals was because not a lot of information existed.

Normal rituals followed a known set of rules, but the rules for symbolism based rituals depended on, well, symbolism and the associations and intent the caster brought to the table. So that meant that each ritual was different, and Riley had to go through the collection of old spellbooks at the back of the shelves hoping that someone somewhere had tried to do the exact same thing in the exact same way and then had their notes confiscated by the Bureau. Which was unlikely, since not a lot of people attempted symbolism based rituals. The outcomes tended to be unpredictable in unexpected ways.

Riley slammed shut another useless book and put their head down on their desk. It was the end of the workday and all the other researchers had gone home, so no one heard them as they let out a frustrated groan. They should be out with the others. Well, probably not seeing as this was all they could do to help and someone had to do it, but they wanted to be out with the others. They wanted to be good for something other than research. If only they could cast spells! Then they could train to be more useful out in the field. Mike and Sil were always facing horrible dangers and Riley just had to sit there in the library and hope their best friends didn't die.

"Oh, so you get to nap while the rest of us investigate? I always knew you researchers were slackers."

Mike's teasing brought Riley out of their rapidly spiralling mindset. They lifted their head and smiled in relief. "Hey, what did you find?"

"A whole lot of nothing. Mason knows how to clean out a place, there was no sign of his plans, and nothing Sil could use for a tracking spell."

"You're kidding."

"No toothbrush, no hairbrush, not even a coffee mug. I've moved into places that had more of their last owner left in them than this apartment."

"Are you sure the landlord didn't clean it out?"

"Mason had the rent for the place paid in advance up through the end of the year, but no one's seen him around there since April."

"Damn. I'm sorry, Mike."

"Yeah, well, at least we're not completely out of leads. Avi's with Sil trying to remember everything they can about the room they were summoned to since it wasn't that place's basement."

"How did it go? Working with Avi without..."

"Without you as a buffer? Well, Sil kept things professional, which helped a lot. If not for her, me and your demon might have had a fistfight to determine who got to be the funny one."

Riley laughed then stopped abruptly as Mike's words caught up to them. "Th-They're not my demon!"

"Relax, I'm just giving you a hard time. They did complain that you weren't there, though."

"Yeah?" Riley was curious despite themself.

"Yeah, kept going on and on about how you're the only one on our team that knows anything true about demons."

"Oh god, what did you say?"

"Hey, why assume it was me? Sil could've messed up!"

Upon seeing Riley's incredulous face, Mike looked down at the floor. "Okay yeah, it was me. I asked them if they used to be an angel. And you don't have to tell me why I'm wrong, they went on a huge rant about how the difference is arbitrary and sin and virtue are human societal constructs and seriously, Riley, they would not shut up."

Riley's chest felt tight as they were struck with a sudden jealousy. And not because Avi's rant would have undoubtedly contained information about demons that the Bureau didn't know. Mike and Sil were Riley's team and they had spent the day... not having fun but at the very least bonding with Avi. Angry tears started to well up in their eyes.

"So, did you find anything?" Mike looked at them critically. "Riley?"

"Oh, um," Riley wiped the tears away. "I didn't find anything either. I guess today was a bust for all of us."

"Are you okay, Riley? Did something happen?"

"No, no, I'm just frustrated about the lack of leads."

"Yeah, me too... I hope Clara's okay. To go through what happened with Bell and then this..."

"Don't worry, we'll find her and get her home and her and Jessica will invite us all to their wedding."

"Yeah, that'd be nice. Ian's been complaining that I haven't taken him anywhere fancy lately."

"I can't imagine you in a fancy setting, Mike, it's just not computing."

"Hey! I can clean up nice when I want to."

Riley didn't doubt it, Mike was a good-looking guy underneath the lack of care put into his appearance. But that didn't mean Riley was going to stop teasing him. "Sure you do."

"Aw, screw you, Riley."

They both laughed.

"Come on," Mike said. "Let's go and report our lack of progress to Coleman."

[retracing-my-steps-again]

Spider-Man: Expiation (Ch. 1 Notes)

My rant, personal notes, and story notes for chapter one of my Spider-Man MHA fusion fic (Izuku as Spider-Man).

Spoilers for Ch. 1 below

First a quick rant:

I'm not yet satisfied with the editing of this fic nor have I finished writing it all the way but you know what? I need some will to live and if I post this it means I can't die until I've posted the whole fic ! Jk but fr life is looking dismal these days so I need something else to focus on. And if I try to be a super perfectionist like usual about this fic and don't start posting it there's a chance it'll live in my computer forever, never to be perceived by a single other soul. A part of me is fine with that but the other part of me thinks I've spent hundreds of hours on this and some people might enjoy it.

I need to stop holding myself to such a ridiculous standard this is a my hero academia fanfic and I don't even get paid for this shit -_- I can't spend all my time forever writing it as much as I would like to.

Author Notes:

Like I said in the end notes on the chapter itself, I know the Spider-Man Izuku phase of the internet is long over. I still see posts about it from time to time though so I suspect some people will still want to read this. In my defense, I’ve been writing this fic since that phase of the internet when it was popular. So… I’ve been writing this fic for literal years now.

I’m a huge fan of in medias res, so I would’ve rather kicked off the beginning in a much more interesting way, but I actually think it worked better to start at the beginning for this fic. So hopefully all the setup isn’t unbearable. I’m sorry there’s so much exposition/recap of the canon universe. I wanted to include it in case people haven’t watched the show or read the manga in a while and still wanted to have context without getting confused. I also wanted to provide a bit of my character analysis so you can get an idea of how I'll be writing this fic. There's a bit more character analysis in Ch. 2 as well.

Also it’s very funny to me how much of MHA has Star Wars references. There’s so many goddamn Star Wars references. So many locations are borrowed from Star Wars. Even the entrance exam robot names are named after star destroyers (which I don't include in this fic because it's not really relevant).

I still have no idea what to do about suffixes, so it may just remain a mess. I can’t really get rid of them completely (or rather translate them to the best of my ability). Mainly because “Kacchan” is a nickname utilizing a Japanese suffix and many of the characters refer to each other by family name, so sometimes the suffix is an important distinction. But like with doctor ? I just used Dr. so it really is just a mess. I still don’t know what to do about it but hopefully it's not too off-putting and inconsistent.

Chapter 1 Story Notes:

Funny story, the first chapter used to just be called "Origins" and it ended with Izuku getting bit by a radioactive spider and now it's been split up a whole lot ! It used to be very generalized and kinda boring though so I don't feel bad about it lol

This story involves a major divergence from canon (obviously) right at the beginning.

In canon, Izuku only decides to stop going after his dream of being a hero when he hears it from All Might himself. Of course, he still runs in to save Katsuki immediately after this but still. Up until this point, he wasn't letting anyone else deter him from trying to be a hero. Then, of course, he's chosen to be All Might's successor.

So, in this fic there's none of that. Izuku hasn't met All Might at this point (outside of the sludge villain incident, where in this he doesn't have a chance to talk to him at all because Katsuki is attacked first). He still wants to try and go to UA and become a Hero but doesn't really physically train or get a Quirk obviously.

I feel like Izuku running in to save Katsuki is an important part of the canon story that I wanted to be a part of this fic. So in this fic, even though Katsuki is attacked first, Izuku still has to run in to save him before All Might shows up. (I'm pretty sure I actually talk about this at some point later during the fic but it's not a spoiler to say it now as it technically already happened and isn't super important to this story. It's more that removing it entirely felt like too much of a divergence that I didn't want to deal with.)

Honestly, I've spent many hours stressing about keeping the characters as accurate as possible to canon, but it's sometimes difficult because this fic is so different from canon. There are a lot of parallels to canon though so hopefully that's enough to keep people from feeling too thrown off. I feel like I have a good understanding of the characters in canon (largely referring to Izuku and Katsuki) so I really do my best to keep them in character even with such a different story.

I thought I might as well also add in some of my scribblings somewhere in case anyone would find it interesting or helpful. Below were my first notes on Izuku's injury. I needed to plan it out and ensure I could keep consistent with stuff. Also for the sake of my own visualization. Not all of it is relevant to the fic and is just me thinking through things medically.

Also because this is obviously not in our universe and they have accelerated healing and stuff, I had to try and visualize what that could mean for long term healing and everything.

TW: semi-graphic descriptions of injury/injury recovery (no graphic images so basically just don't read below if you don't want to)

Disclaimer: obviously don't take any of this as medical advice. These are my personal notes for the sake of visualization. They're very generalized and were largely off the top of my head.

[international-sunrise]

I WAS GOING TO PUT ALL OF THIS IN THE NOTES and then it got long and decided against it i am so SORRY for turning your Jaeyeol post into an EVEN LONGER JAEYEOL POST i hope you don't mind.

first off thanks for putting up with my rant as well and also don't worry my comment about Mary was 90% a joke and 10% my personal writing opinions that Definitely don't match PTJ style at all.

it's been in my mind for a while now that it's not uncommon, in stories overall, to have a character playing for both sides in order to still come out on top. now, I know we've seen Steve Hong categorically oppose to Charles Choi, however we've also seen how Steve is also CEO of a pretty widespread company as well. CEOs will do CEOing and we've already seen how neither Steve nor Jay are below paying off their problems away so that people will keep quiet about it.

I also kept thinking about how, since it's getting stablished that the Fake Body might just have traces of a consciousness and a past (or, a future? i saw a post about how time-space fuckery is also a PTJ thing and you know what Lookism is at that point where it would make sense if the Fake Body is somehow Daniel from the future), it's... Very interesting, the almost dismissive way in which Fake Daniel fought Jaeyeol. I don't know if I should interpret it as him not caring or him wanting to get him out of the way, because the "matching energy" thing does not quite land for a character that Obviously has no intent to fight. Even Daniel himself says so, he really did not need to go that far. I'm going somewhere with this please trust your uber-plot driver.

so in one hand we have the fact that even though Steve is helping Daniel behind the scenes and Jay is helping Daniel in everything else whenever PTJ remembers he's supposedly his best friend, and still there has been no connection from neither side, tells me that either we're supposed to assume Daniel already knows (which would be lame!) or PTJ is somehow waiting for it to be relevant to relay that info on our poor clueless babygirl (Daniel) in the worst, most emotional moment possible.

we also have the fact that Steve is known for having already "deleted" Jaeyeol out of existence, although not in such extremes as to how Charles Choi erased James Lee. Only characters who are known to have very deep insight on other characters (they're reading the script cough cough) know about Jaeyeol being Steve Hong's disgraced second son, but not much else about it. Which other characters fits this trope? James Lee the man the legend the felony commiter.

so, hear me out. what if Steve is also part of some sort of cover-up plot, driven mostly by, well, Capitalistic goals and is using Daniel (and, consequentially, his own son) in order to drive Charles Choi to the ground and buy out the scraps in order to expand? I think it definitely fits the PTJ way of doing things.

now let's tie this to the "What if Fake Daniel is Actually, Daniel from a future/darker timeline" idea. none of those words are in the bible feel free to add it to your "Crazy Theories About Daniel's Second Body" masterpost.

What if Fake Daniel's dismissiveness when figthing Jaeyeol was not, in fact, PTJ wanting to Personally Insult Me (joke), but somehow a very important clue and also some kind of desperate attempt to make Jaeyeol drop out of this entire thing altogether, because he doesn't want his friend to find out his father was also sort of behind this entire thing?

i'm grasping at straws i know i just want this all to end up having meaning and wrapping up nicely somehow.

On Jay (Why It Makes Me Sad)

Five reasons why I want justice for this character.

Daniel is my ultimate bias in this webtoon, and I always cheer for him (mostly for the real Daniel), having so long seeing him as the underdog. However, with the webtoon's increasingly greater focus on Daniel's growth, both physically and mentally, I think I've lost sight on the injustice suffered by fans of other characters. I think of myself as a selfish, cruel fan, who enjoys my fave character's development at the expense of other people's suffering. And I'm sorry for that.

I'm talking about Jay.

First, it's just not fair for PTJ to suddenly bring Jay back into the foray only to assist in Daniel's struggles and then be defeated dismissively. Jay is a character whose formidable strengths as a fighter was introduced very early in the story, as was his tenacity and his loyalty.

Second, and most importantly, to me it's not fair for PTJ to abandon Jay after introducing his backstory as an emotionally abused minor.

Sometimes PTJ follows through with explaining the impacts of abuse. Eli's and Samuel's abusive backstories have real repercussions on how they grow as people and how they treat others. In other times, as in the case of Jasmine, PTJ drops the plotline completely after introducing it. I hope that this won't be the case with Jay, since his backstory is connected with Steve Hong, Charles Choi's bitterest business rival and Daniel's secret backer.

Third, while I'm not invested in the Jay x Daniel ship, I'm sad about the hatred that some fans show Jay because of his sexual orientation, gentleness, and/or muteness. I wish that there was more generic way for PTJ to incorporate Jay more into the story. His search for Big Daniel, for example, and his struggles in doing so. After all, wouldn't this sort of thing make an interesting arc in a story that's bordering on the thriller genre?

Fourth, it disappoints me that we can't we see Jay build friendships with other characters more. I really enjoy seeing him interact (in silence, but still) with Vin, Jihan, Jibeom, and Hudson in this arc and in the arc before (Holiday Pt 2). I was surprised at how kind and understanding Hudson, Jibeom, and Jihan were to Jay, and how relaxed Vin treated him. Why can't see more of that? Doesn't Jay deserve this development as an OG character who's been there since forever in this story?

Fifth, personally as someone who enjoys reading the duel scenes, I wish to see more representation of weapon users in the story. With an increasingly bizarre techniques (some fans say that Jake's drug lord brother uses pankration; an ancient, brutal form of Greek wrestling) being introduced in the story, Xiao Long's absence and Goo's involvement in Manager Kim, I miss seeing Jay fighting, and in detail. Arnis is a formidable martial arts, after all, and he's really good at it.

Justice for Jay.

[promethes]

(this isn't relevant to anything really but) that outline snippet made me have the thought "omg i really want to read the full essay" for like the 4th time ever in my life, it looked really good

okay below this is just a really long ramble of thoughts i had that seemed related to the outline but i can't 100% promise they are, feel free to stop reading here and just delete lmao.

and yeah i hate that the specific "looks" (which are. mostly purchased objects? and expensive shit at that) of young skinny white american gay ppl with money are the only things that people clock as looking/being gay. it's so dumb like i literally AM a young white american gay person and none of the "relatable" posts/videos online are even approaching relatable? like years ago i saw a tiktok compilation and it was like "how you know your whole friend group is gay" and it was just this video of a house party and they all had. the same. expensive pair of shoes. in the same color and everything.

i hate the concept of equating the things you buy with your identity in the first place but gay culture (online at least, since i haven't had much of that in person in the past few years & can't speak to it) being Only That just seems even worse because it's alienating to so many people who are literally. already alienated at least somewhat from their surroundings/communities just bc they're gay (using gay as an umbrella here).

that video is the one that creeped me out the most but there are so many like it that just make me want to ask so many questions. why is almost everything they call "gay culture" actually something that has nothing to do with being gay and everything to do with their nationality, their specific culture, the amount of money they have? do they literally just go out of their way to befriend people who act/look/talk/dress the exact same way they do, because how does sth like that shoe situation even happen?? and finally, can they seriously not realize they're making up this exclusive culture up where everyone talks/dresses/etc the same?

i know people can be stupid and oblivious all the time, but it's almost unbelievable to me that these people don't realize they're emulating the exact behavior of literally the popular cliques or whatever from high schools. like there are max 2 or 3 acceptable ways to have that identity. it's really hard to believe sometimes that they genuinely don't realize they're... what, responding to some culture that alienated them by making up a new exclusive culture to alienate everyone else in the same boat, instead of a community? like i don't want to believe it's intentional, but it seems so pervasive online that it's like. i don't even like seeing or engaging with "relatable" posts about gay culture or discourse.

anyway sorry for rambling at you, i think i had this rant bottled up for like years with no one to really say it to and now it's. in your inbox.

also i'm not gonna be offended if you didn't read this and/or don't reply, it's long as fuck and also i feel like every time you say something even approaching controversial, even though you're literally right, you get some kind of angry horde after you, so you def have good reason not to post this

yeah exactly the consumerism is out of controool. also i actually posted the essay a while back here if you still wanna read it

[k-s-morgan]

Yo, whoever just....SENT you UNSOLICITED ctitism??? They're either a youngling that hasn't learned the rules or fanfiction or they're just an asshole. That ask was worded very politely but that was such an assholish thing to do??? "Sadly, I will stop reading your story" DUDE WHO CARES. YOU DEADASS COULD'VE JUST QUIETLY STEPPED OUT WHEN THE STORY STARTED TURNING IN A DIRECTION THAT MADE YOU UNCOMFY WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING. There was literally NO NEED for them to come tell you all that and the only reason they did is because they're arrogant and think that only their opinion matters. They just...disregarded creative freedom completely. You handled it well but I just wanted to stop by and tell you that your characterization is actually very realistic and it is miles better than some other fics I've seen, which I will not name because I'm NOT AN ASSHOLE. Sorry to come ranting into your inbox but that ask got me fired up.

Another message:  horrible anon that wrote the rude condescending& pathetic ask ab harry being weak for not being able to stomach tom MURDERING people i have no words. made me mad! book harry would NOT be okay with murder! & fuck them for saying those mean things ab u that arnt true. this is UR story. u can do WHATEVER u want with it. nobody has any right to demand things from u & u dont have to take any criticism if u dont want it. the entitlement of some people🤬. also i dont know why they assume you should care their going to “stop reading” like okay bye 😌 still gonna have like 200,000 hits

Another message from @likorys-shimenawa:  I didn't want to be rude the anon, but... "You know something is wrong with your characterisation when more than one person gets hot and bothered about it" seriously broke me. They DO remember that people still think Snape was an incel out for hookup with Lily? When the only person to believe that was damn VOLDEMORT? Just cause many people say something doesn't make it true. Also - Harry's 'constant whimpering'? Did they miss how he spend months hung up on the Horcruxes, doing nothing, as well?

-----------------------------------------------------

I decided to group most of criticism-related asks together - I hope you don’t mind! Thank all of you for your support, it really means a lot to me. I’m not very bothered by negative comments/asks, but they sure aren’t pleasant to get.

The thing with stories is that everyone perceives them in a unique way. I saw the most ironic evidence of this with my Russian Snape-centered fic. I got two comments in sequence from two different people: one said my Snape is too nice; the second one said he is too evil. Everyone else felt he was canon-like. It was funny to see these comments posted right next to each other, and none of them was technically wrong: people have their view of the character, and it won’t always coincide with that of others.

It’s inevitable to lose readers along the way. The more relevant decisions characters make, the more defined the plot becomes, and some people start finding it not to their liking. That’s okay, but it’s important to remember that your experience is your own. Others might not share it.

That’s why I‘m not going to reply to asks similar to the one I got again. I already explained my view, there is nothing left for me to add. But to sum it up for the last time:

I think Harry’s ability to love can be a curse just as it can be a gift. I think he’s pretty strong, even though this love cripples him in many ways. He raised a better version of Tom on the global scale and a worse monster on the local one. He managed to control Tom’s destructiveness for years, and it broke his heart every time Tom did something similar to Voldemort. Beth was a shock because Harry’d believed he was succeeding in making Tom better just by loving him and explaining what’s right and what’s wrong. After that, he was constantly wary, yet the more Tom lived without hurting anyone, the more hopeful Harry became. Every setback shook him, but Tom never killed again - he learned how to stop, and Harry tried to focus on this. He had evidence of Tom being better, so his expectations worked accordingly. Learning about Charlus was a terrible blow because for one thing, Harry was already feeling terrible due to killing a person and watching his student die to protect him. For another, he realized that Tom killed a part of his family again. Of course he was stunned and horrified - this was his worst nightmare come true. And the ritual was the last drop in the overfilled bowl of his patience and hopes. Harry tried to watch out for others, he forgot to watch out for himself.

In my eyes, this is consistent with his behavior in canon + the changes he lived through in WHGTB. I’m happy that many readers share this view, and I’m sorry others don’t (though I get it), but I really don’t need to know that you want to stop reading. If the story no longer makes you feel happy or interested, just close it and look for another one. Fandom is supposed to be fun, and no writer can please everyone. Characterization is a complex thing - for the most part, it’s not universal. Things you disagree with will be something others agree with and vice versa. That’s fiction, and that’s why it’s such a fascinating concept.    

[aijee]

Hi, aijee! how are you? It's been so...long since I visited your tumblr account. I've been reading your rants and thoughts about your personal life and mw prompt and I really appreciated it. As someone who also having a hard time in my workplace, I've been feeling so lonely and depressed these days. I'm happy that I finally got a job and will be able to help my family in terms of financial but I'm feeling lonely because of the people I've been working with (1/2)

I feel left out and sometimes, i feel like they don't like me or is it just me, overthinking ㅜ.ㅜ anyway, I miss reading your fics. Hope, you're doing well these days!~

Hi anon, I'm feeling alright these days, thank you for asking. :) Not the best that I can be, to be frank, but I'm trying to remind myself that recovery and healing is a slow process, equally for physical and mental/emotional ailments.

Excuse the long read below (though I feel like you probably anticipated that!) I resonated with your messages.

If you'll let me vent a bit, I don't want to beat myself up for not being as energetic/productive as I used to be. The worst part of my brain keeps thinking, "Yeah, sure, we're in a pandemic, but life has always been hard, and there are so many other people who are doing just fine in this pandemic." In reality, a pandemic is a pandemic. It's unprecedented, a big fucking deal, and vaccines don't solve the wider societal issues connected to it. None of us have ever prepared for this sort of thing. Plus, we will never really know if people are truly okay based on face-value and assumptions; hell, fully vaccinated people are still suffering worldwide—financially, socially, constantly weighed by the pressure of, again, a global pandemic. I don't want to keep reminding people of it, but I guess I'm trying to remind others (and myself, honestly) that this never-ending feeling of burnout isn't out of nowhere and isn't a direct reflection of our capabilities.

To actually address your messages, first of all I want to congratulate you on your job and your newfound opportunity to financially support your family! Your family is lucky to have someone like you financially supporting them in a difficult time. Hopefully that part of your life isn't too big a burden. (I know too many people who work hard for their families, only for families to leech off of them, largely due to this societal expectation in many Asian cultures that earnings and resources are for the betterment of the whole family.)

I'm sorry to hear that your workplace life is on the more sad side of the spectrum, and that you feel lonely and depressed there. If I correctly recall, it's a medical job, right? I imagine The Big Health Problem worldwide isn't helping, if not already exacerbated medical workplace environments since long ago.

If I may offer some perspective, I understand the feelings you're feeling. Starting a new job is really tough! You're the new person so you haven't established relationships with others yet. You don't know everything or where things are located as easily. You need to ask for help. And if the people around you aren't receptive to that "baby worker" stage, then it can be tough to feel like you belong. It'll feel lonely, like you're not doing something right and/or other people don't like you because of inevitable gaps in what you know.

I felt super incompetent through the first few months of full-time work, like my boss only hired me because I worked part-time for them as a student (which is nothing compared to the real job). Everyone around me was always busy, smart, accomplished, etc. But I realized that because everyone is so busy (+ social distancing always in the air), hanging out is rarely on the mind. I had to go the extra mile outside my comfort zone to invite people to eat with me, or talk about non-work things, etc. Most people were pretty receptive to that! Those who weren't might not be in the mood (they have their own complex lives, after all) or preoccupied; maybe a different day/time, or maybe they're just not someone I should engage with. That has nothing to do with me. I know not every workplace is like that, but I like think that normal human beings with some heart would be glad to socialize or eat together if invited.

I don't want to push advice onto you, because that's not what you asked for. But my intention is to hopefully lighten your burden by pointing fingers at uncontrollable circumstances and the personal lives your coworkers live outside your knowledge.

Additionally, I'm a huge introvert with anxiety and depression, and I'm the type of person who would obsess over how I think other people think of me. But through some therapy insight, lots of reflection, and even more time, I've come to the realization that how I think people think of me is not the same as how people actually think of me. It makes sense that we'd have that defense mechanism though, right? To minimize conflict and to protect ourselves from hurt. But then I'd overthink literally every interaction I'd have with people and run my internal self ragged with negative opinions of myself that didn't come from others—they came from myself. I imagine that the "perfection" expected of medical workers could factor into this defense mechanism and cycle. It took me a long time to learn that I can stop bending myself backwards in the desperate hope of preventing negative opinions about me, since those will exist no matter what.

This isn't something that can be fixed, clearly, and might not even be that relevant to you. But I wanted to mention it anyway in the chance it would be.

I obviously don't know you personally, or the nuances of your workplace. There are probably a million and one other pertinent details I can't address. And there's also obviously a balance between not giving a shit about other people's opinions vs. acting in a way to maintain workplace harmony. But hopefully one or two things I've written in this long-ass post will be of some help to you moving forward in your work. There is still a lot of potential for positive change. It'll take time.

[theinkdiaries]

And with a Touch I Shatter

Fingertips, heartstrings and snapping sounds echoing.

Long he stood there, motionless,  paralysed.

Reverting back and emerging from, froth again. To and fro, as it where.

All we touch. All we feel.

The pinnacle of what it is.

Single accumulative point in time, mashed up mass of distorted recollections bottled up for years and locked away in the effectively surpressed vault.

Self deception says all is well. Problem solved he thought; forget about the... can't remember what it was.

Life whispers: "as the bunny hops". And the jar was dropped spilling all the shit he meticulously bottle up.

Life in humming tones, flashes for an instance, flares once and dies.

Like dropping a porcelain cup, that oh shit moment, falling as you watch, react, reflex, grasp, reach out to clenching fist, fingers wrapping round a substantial amount of oxygen not previously owned but it'll cost ya to breathe again.

Price tag: prevention is suddenly forfeit.

Unrelated though in immediate effect the following is suddenly somehow relevant; so abruptly ease into it. Ps. Still standing there like a soldier, minus the solute which is in any case a completely irrelevant way to display respect. Respect I'm sure though it may be closely related to discipline, in some obsure precept of a warped ass view created by some strongly opinionated ancient alpha male types in those simpler times when the world was pure, when the world was still; it was flat right? 

Fuck; my mind ran away there for a sec causing me to rant about some nonsense that really grinds my gears in fact but, I'm sorry none the less, did't mean to digress. My bad.

To get us back on track I'll open with the fact that during all of this he never moved an inch.

Why you ask? You didn't but thats fine for you see the reason behind his seemingly locked in place, some might say corpse like limbs on account of his blueish skin, medical term impaired blood circulation bla bla doctor things, prescriptions and a metric fuck ton of meds again.

He didn't move beacuse of the palm on his chest,  because the nasty ass scar on the wrist of that palm and because he knew the person attached to it. Mostly because of who she was to him,  was being present tense, just go with it.

Right so obviously this man standing there like a zombie buffering, with the little wheel still turning please be patient while loading... he is eiher a few eggs short of a dozen or perhaps he is completely caught up in what could very well be the most radiant fucking being he's ever seen and what if, assuming option B is in fact the cause of every thing thus far, what if she was smiling at him?

Would that make sense? A vaid explination for the motionless man caught in trance, with the hand on his chest, every hair on the back of his neck and on both of his arms, between the cigarette burns and thick layers of scars standing up as if called to rise for some profoundly selfless cause.

Heat flashes and the touch is all is, the only thing he feels, a tear drop trickling down the damn wall of his left cheek. Floodgates would flood the earth in what they felt before the nice clean floor was ruined by blood puddling up, stained the rug, and with a nice clean cut, broken record the last word before we is what we are.

In short, smooth skin was severely fuked up beacuse the thumping heart came to a screeching halt and I almost forgot to breath again; inhale once.

The touch of a hand is all it took to take him back. To flip the hourglass on it head and a slight crack to scatter the sands like dust in the frivolous wind.

Finally bowing his head, a moment of silence, a display of respect previously mentioned. He is leaning in with trembling lips parting slightly to say: "Last touch". Fading he withers, having seen her.

In a glimpse my lover, and with a touch I shatter.

-Inkgrave.v.Godart

[balanceisrelative]

Ok, this gunna be a rant, but your post got me real riled up this early morning so here we go:

First things first - you, your identity, your expression, and all that you are is real, valid, and DESIRED. You are wanted, not just needed. You are wanted.

It is NOT your responsibility/job to educate your family about your humanity/identity. That's much easier said than done when you are no longer a dependent on these individuals, and I recognize that. I also fully identify with the "fog raising all at once" and the realization of your abuse/childhood trauma hits you like a full speed train... Happened to me earlier this year... And like you, my perspective and relationship with certain family members position/relevance/existence in my life changed drastically. Some did had to be cut off completely because I deserve better than their idea of "love" and I owe them nothing. You do not need, nor do they deserve, you sacrificing what little safety you have to try and help them understand someone they should accept and love off rip. It is not your job to educate them. It is not your job to coddle them into comfort with your existence. It is not your job to make yourself small and invisible so they can feel confident in their projected insecurities.

You owe them NOTHING.

Not your parents, not your siblings, not your aunt's, cousin's, third cousin twice removed, NONE OF THEM. You owe YOURSELF unconditional love and protection. You owe YOURSELF the best relationship this world could ever know, and I do mean a relationship with yourself. You deserve a family that supports you (especially in relation to your identity and humanity) unequivocally and unconditionally.

Your parents CHOSE to bring you into this world/life/family [this is an assumption on my part that you and all your siblings were planned/expected, born to the same parents, etc. this may well not be the case, and if not, that's another layer of torment I could imagine unacceptable parents would add to their repertoire], they took a gamble just like every other parent on how and who their child would be. Never, ever, is it ok for parents to bring a child into their family and once the child beging developing autonomy and identity, beat them, abuse them, "break them" (as my parents liked to say, as though me and my brother were wild horses who needed to be broken and tamed to fit their purpose) or toss them aside because they didn't turn into a replica of the parent. The parents/care givers/guardians who believe or expect their child to be just like them only had the child for narcissistic and self serving purposes, not because they wanted the OPPORTUNITY and PRIVILEGE to love and support and raise a child. Like, children aren't pet rocks that you can treat any kind of way, nor are the accessories meant to compliment your life. They are fully fledged humans from day one, just smaller.

You, my dear witch, are an irreplaceable opportunity and to be within your presence is a privilege. You are more than a moment, you are a transcendent experience that come second to NONE. I'm sure your therapist said something along the lines of what I'm bout to say, but you did nothing, NOTHING to warrant or deserve this abuse, neglect, or torment. You should've been loved and embraced by your blood relatives from the moment you were pulled into this world and beyond, and they failed you. I'm sorry they failed you, both current and younger you. I am sorry this cousin, who you thought you knew and could lean on, did such a sidestep in their loyalty to you and your experience. I am so sorry, that the people who you had no choice but to be dependent on, betrayed you with such vigor and intention because you didn't fit "their mold"... I'm just....

I'm angry because I empathize with familial identity rejection, I'm angry at how many people in my generation and the one just behind mine are suffering in EXTREME anguish and are literally crying out for help, love, and compassion, only to be met with disgust and indignation. I'm angry because I'm sad because you didn't deserve that, any of it, ever. You deserved and deserve so much more than what has been forced upon you and I really need you to believe and internalize that fact.

I know I rambled here, and this was long, I just.... I really need you to know that you are worthy and deserving and valid and wonderful just as you are and no one should ever want a version of you that is anything less that your full authenticity, because you are FAN-FLIPPING-TASTIC as you are. I earnestly hope you find/have found/are beginning to find your chosen family and they love you fully, accept you completely, and support you just as you want and need.

You are priceless because you broke the scale of commodification and quantification. You don't fit the mold and I'm so glad you don't. I'm so glad you don't blend into background of keeping up with Jones' and the mediocrity of heteronormative patriarchal expectations. I'm so proud of you for finding and working with a therapist to unlearn all the fuckery they tried to force you to accept as fact. I'm so proud of you for making it through all those levels of hell; even when you felt like you didn't have a choice but to push through, you made it through. I'm so fucking proud of you for picking up your feet and moving forward one step at time. It's no small feat, and it shouldn't be overlooked or downplayed.

You have lived through an ongoing war within your own "home" where you are the primary enemy, with next to no protection or offensive strategies/tools and you're still here. Dude. DUDE. DUDE! You are built different in the most amazing ways and anyone in your life who doesn't believe that is a elephant hemorrhoid, and I mean that with all disrespect.

Kinda hurt by my cousin

My family on my mom's side is SUPER homophobic and transphobic like dangerously so....

Examples of the sick things they've done:

Many of them have repeatedly said they'd truly hope I'd end my life.

Took my inheritance cause they didn't feel I deserved it for being a sinner.

Some of them were sad that I didn't die..

Some said they hoped I'd get AIDS and die.

They convinced the children in our family that I'd r×pe + m×lest them cause " that's what queers do "

They convinced the kids in our family that I liked them in incest way cause " that's what { trans slur } are!!"

Tells anyone they know that I'm a incesty p×do cause " that's what { Trans-slur } are "

Have repeatedly threatened my life and physical well being since childhood.

That's just some examples

So I talked with my therapist about it because their hate for me has now become hate for my brothers and new born baby sister cause the kids are my siblings.. It seems a family member may have wished death or harm on my brothers and new born sister cause they don't want more F-slurs in the family....

{ they also greatly dislike my nephew cause he's mixed raced }

My therapist was was shocked, disgusted and horrified. She asked if I was safe and I was I can't describe it but it all just came to a booming realization about how messed up it all was. Like a fog had lifted. She sat down and made it clear how horrible all that they've done towards me was and how dangerous the legit death threats are... I was groomed to believe I deserved that treatment....

So I asked my cousin and sister please not tell our family my business for my safety.

My sister understood and agreed instantly of course, no questioned asked.

But my cousin got mad like really mad.. claiming I was triggering her by saying I didn't feel safe with our family...

She claimed my therapist is a R-slur because

" your therapist is unprofessional! She should never have made you scared of our family! saying things and doing are two different things! They haven't done anything! You could help change them!"

This really hurt me.. I kinda had what I feel was to force a " understanding " and agreement out of her..

She's straight + cis and it hurts seeing her claim our family

" did wrong but didn't do anything "

And claim " they're getting so much better " when they're only getting better towards her and that's it...

I don't feel it's my job in changing them and I don't wanna put myself in harms way..