#i'm planning to try to go back to my roots! where i often really only ever posted when i uploaded fics and then i'd disappear again

[causenessus]

hi! i'll keep this short

i came to the realization everytime i've disappeared from tumblr to "take a break" i never really have because of other things going on in my life (which, duh, this isn't my whole life) but! i also realized that if i never actually take the time to recover and rest and think about things i should be writing i'll never feel better. so! i'm (once again)(but now more formally) going on hiatus until maybe may! i might pop in for spring break or earlier if i feel like it, but until then, not really any writing from me! with that being said, i'll still be around, doting on my moots (i.e. like, dorothea <3 wyr <3 and bug <3) because i love them so much and i will probably also post chapters of present ever so often! the reason being (i'm going to try to make this make sense but it may only make sense to me but i'm aware of how contradicting i am to me five seconds ago when i said i need to take a break from writing) present is a very personal fic for me that i've worked on for years at this point. what i'm posting now are chapters i wrote months ago after I've read over and edited them (or in the case of the upcoming chapter, i did randomly add it in and had to write it from the ground up last week lmao) but if it isn't obvious, present is a work i'm very passionate about and am just posting in case anyone else enjoys it but it feels like it's a work that is very individualized just for me and it doesn't cause me any stress or anxiety. on the topic of individualization, although i am of course so so thankful for all of the support and people that follow me, i do sort of miss when my blog and world were a lot smaller. it's something i feel like i only get when i get to reply to people in comments, but other than that, all the numbers and people on my feed give me a lot of anxiety. the hq (smau fandom especially) fandom or at least how much i'm (was) involved in it has grown exponentially and of course i'm happy about that but it's a bit too much for me. i'll be taking a huge step back from the fandom and any hq works i've written at least in the meantime, but that's not to say they'll never be finished! but i either need to grow to handle the bigger audience that now reads my works or wait for things to grow a little smaller again :) i hope to still be able to read my moots works but forgive me if it takes me a bit or i never get to them! i think at the least i'll still like them to show my support <3 thank you if you read my long ramble! i love you all <3

oh also i'll probably post self ship moodboards and the beginning of my reading list (thank you again dorothea for the idea <3)! but again, I think you get the idea by now; I want to go back to doing this for me! so this is a tiny little goodbye now i'm leaving for you all with forehead kisses and flowers and love notes and mwah <3 i'll see you around!

[heich0e]

the suna where he asks if you'd have a baby with him

ask game: a christmas drabble from an established AU AU: wouldn't it be nice?

you've never been particularly good at giving people presents.

not for lack of trying, or lack of care—you want to be good at gift giving, but somehow you've just never quite mastered the skill. you're too indecisive to pick just one thing, so you always end up with a strange mismatched array of little gifts when the time comes, none of which have any particular connection to the other.

and that's to say nothing of your absolutely horrendous gift wrapping abilities.

before you started dating rintarou, christmas was always a real point of stress in your life. from picking out the gift, to tracking the item down, to trying (and ultimately failing) to wrap it in a way that didn't give the impression that a child had done it one-handedly. the stress that built up around the holiday often overshadowed any of the actual enjoyment you were meant to derive from it. and though none of your exes had ever explicitly called you out on being a god-awful gift giver, you knew that it was true.

thankfully, in that way that only rintarou seems to be able to do, that problem just... disappeared when the two of you started dating.

maybe disappeared is the wrong word, but that anxiety that you always used to feel cresting as the holidays drew near just never seemed to swell to the same point of misery as it used to. you never felt the same pressure to pick the perfect thing. to wrap it beautifully. to get it right.

because rintarou has this way of... reassuring you. of sensing when you're struggling and making things... easier. all without ever having to ask.

"i'm not big on gifts," he'd said to you, a full three weeks before your first christmas together. "wanna just go somewhere for the holiday, instead of buying presents? i've got some time off and have been thinking about going to kyoto."

and that settled it.

each christmas since then has passed similarly. either rintarou makes a plan, or very explicitly tells you what he'd like to get as a gift, and when the time comes, any of that stress that used to build up around the day just never even has the chance to take root.

but this year, there's a different sort of nervousness you feel about the holiday.

"my mom sent us a card," rintarou says, coming around the corner of your living room with a little red envelope in his hands. "she invited us to visit for the new year, too."

you shift in your seat under the kotatsu, looking up as he stands over you. "do you want to go?"

he sighs, slumping down onto the sofa behind you. "not really."

"we don't have to, then, if you really don't want to," you assure him, leaning back against the sofa so you're a little nearer to him. he inches forward on the couch cushions to close the gap even further. "but it might be nice to see your family."

rintarou isn't particularly close to his parents, who divorced when he was young. of his family members, the nearest to him is his little sister—and their relationship had largely been built once they both reached adulthood.

"last time we went to see my family my grandma tried to take you to a shaman to get you pregnant," rintarou replies dryly. "you sure you wanna go through that again?"

"i don't think the shaman was the one who was supposed to knock me up," you point out, and rintarou huffs out a laugh. you turn away from him a little. rintarou's grandmother was tired of waiting for great grand children and had tried to use shamanism to speed the process along—it had ended in an argument over a family dinner. "you two really are related, huh?"

"what was that?"

you peek at him over your shoulder.

"i think we should go to see them."

rintarou's brow quirks slightly at your words, and you lean forward so your elbows are resting on the edge of the couch cushion.

his eyes are always so green when you're this close to him, lined with those dark wispy lashes. so pretty. delicate and effortless in a way that would upset you if he wasn't already yours.

"you really wanna go?" he asks you quietly, and you can feel the warmth of his breath on your lips when he speaks. you nod a little, and your lips brush because of the proximity—not quite a kiss, but enough to make him lean forward in search of one.

you pull away before he gets what he's looking for.

"and you can tell grandma that we won't need the shaman this year."

because she's already gotten what she wanted.

he blinks at you, and then his eyes widen, and before you know it he's sitting bolt upright on the sofa with a look of utter disbelief on his pretty face.

just like always, rintarou made gift giving easy this year.

only this time, the present is something you'll both cherish equally, because it's something you've been wanting, too.

[plussizefantasia]

Troubled Hearts

Read parts One and Two here: Fluttering Hearts Unsure Hearts

Warnings: guy being creepy, threats of violence, drinking (not reader) we're getting into the angst here guys sorry

a/n: hi, hello, I'm alive sorry for falling off the face of the planet. When I went to go grab the link for part two I realized that I hadn't updated this story since JANUARY!?!?! here is my formal apology: sorry. My goal is to have parts four and five up sometime this month so I can be ready to jump into CozyTober when it starts. Anyway, much love I hope y'all are still interested in the story if not I understand.

Kili Durin x Human!Soulmate!reader

Word Count: 2.7k

Kili must hate himself, there is no other reason for why he’s putting himself through this. Months have passed since you had kind of sort of opened up to him and he couldn’t get you to do it again. He’d been spending his nights the same way, a constant presence at the bar. No matter the weather, the dwarf prince would be posted up on a stool. He slowly sipped the same pint throughout the entire evening and his eyes followed you like a hawk. 

You would have thought that his attentions would have waned by now, you’ve been busy with the bar, Brant unable to keep up in his old age. You figure that he was letting you take control. You never really planned to set down roots in Dale, it was supposed to simply be a stop on your journey. 

You had stumbled into the town late one evening and needed a place to stay, despite the tavern not being an inn and not technically having an extra room, Brant was kind enough to let you stay for the night, as long as you worked it off the next day. One night turned into a week, turned into a month and you realized just how much you enjoyed working at the tavern.

You enjoyed feeling needed, even if it was just to refill someone’s glass. You enjoyed putting in effort and watching yourself get better at all the different skills necessary for a place like this, and you enjoyed the subtle anonymity of it all. Nobody really knew why you were there and nobody had really asked either. Your past didn’t follow you and if you were lucky it never would. You had worked hard and carved out a little life for yourself here, a life that you loved.

Well, a life that you loved most of the time. Up until those nights when every man was just a little too drunk, every woman glared just a little too much and your skin felt just a little too wrong on your body. You did your best to let it all fall off your back, to push through and let yourself be lost in your work but you didn’t always succeed.

You were not sure what hour of the night it was, it seemed that within these four walls, time flew and stood still all at once. What you did know however was that you were getting sick of Roland’s jeers and jibes. You were sure that it was his way of flirting, but you had never really ascribed to the type of flirting where you tore the other person down in the hopes that they begged you to build them back up. Roland was a dick. It was as simple as that and if he thought he had a chance with you he was sorely mistaken.

He had yet to get that through his thick skull though. You balanced a tray of pints above your head with one hand and a tray of food in the other. You expertly wove in between patrons, making your way to the back where Roland and his men often gathered.

“Ah, here she is. Lovely lady with a body to match.” He didn’t wait for you to place the tray down on the tabletop next to him. He just reached his arm around your waist and pulled you closer to him. His hand digging into the flesh there and making you move towards him to try and get away.

“What do you think lads? Don’t we make a pretty picture?” There were slight nods from the men around you, most of them had eyes only for the ale you were still holding. You noticed that this was often the case. Roland spoke and told stories, he was loud but nobody ever really listened to him.

“I think… that I have more work to do so if you would kindly remove your arm from my waist…” You looked at him, arching an eyebrow. “Before I have to remove it for you.” 

He chuckled deeply in his throat but followed your instruction and released you.

“Alright Gents, here are your pints and your pies, anything else for tonight?” Nobody spoke up, except for a few mutters of thanks. “Well, you know where to find me if that changes.”

You made your way back up to the front of house, sliding behind your bar and releasing a deep breath.

“I don’t understand how you do it.” You look up and into the eyes of the dwarf who just spoke.

“Do what Kili?”

“How you let him treat you like… that like you belong to him.”

You bristle at this. “I belong to nobody but myself Your Highness.”

“I know this, and you know this, but the brute doesn't seem to get it.”

“The brute is manageable Kili, he and his friends give this place far too much business for me to be anything less than civil with them.”

“Civil is fine, I just don’t wish to see you get hurt.”

“I appreciate that Kee, but I can handle myself.” 

“I never thought you couldn’t, I just want you to know that you don’t have to handle everything on your own.”

“I’ve been on my own for a long time, it's not easy to give that up.” You see a customer flag you down a few tables away. “Know this, my dwarf prince, should I need protecting… you’re the one I’d ask.” You smile at Kili and pass him offering him a small smile as you get back to work.

The night continues much the same, people come and go. The group in the back gets steadily more rowdy and you glance at the clock every once in a while hoping that the hands will have moved further than they have.

You serve food and drink to several patrons throughout the night, most kind some not as much. You were being truthful with Kili when you had told him you’d come to him. You just didn't think you’d ever need to. Your past wasn't the nicest and you’d quickly learned to take care of yourself because the people who are supposed to take care of you won’t always be there when you need them to be.

The time flew by faster than you’d thought, you’d apparently been lost inside your head for most of the night. The only light was that of the candles on each table and the fireplace next to the kitchen which was miraculously still lit. You’re not sure how, it's your job to keep it going and you know that you hadn’t stoked it all night. 

The darkness outside creeps into the space and more and more people begin their journey home. All your regulars settle with you or get glared at for their insistence that they’ll pay up next time. Eventually the space empties… mostly. Roland and his friends have settled a little but they still sit vigil in the back of the space, you lost count of how many rounds they’ve had but none of them are belligerent so it couldn’t have been more than eight. 

“Y/N, Another!” One of his comrades yells toward you. You forget his name, Roland’s never-ending cycle of yes men made it difficult to learn names, so at some point, you’d stopped trying.

“I don’t know if you Gent’s noticed, but we’re closed. Go home, I’m sure your wives are wondering where you are.”

“What the old lady doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” The same man yelled out, his remark setting off a burst of laughter from his buddies.

“Come Y/N, one more round and we’ll leave when we’re done.” Roland turned his body to face you and what you imagine to be his attempt at a suave smirk graced his face. 

“Sorry boys, but closed means closed, settle your tabs and go home.” You roll your eyes at the grumbling and whining that come from the group of grown men but do not sway in your decision. One by one they come and hand you some coin, some thank you and some say nothing but all of them leave as they were told.

Roland is the last to come up, as he so often is. “I don’t know why you spend so much time here, if you were mine you’d not have to work one more day in this place.”

“Well, I’m not yours and I like working here.” You place your hand on your hips and cock one out to the side. 

“Yet.” Roland leans over the bar and licks his lips. You lean back in order to put distance between your face and his. 

“Not ever.” You firmly reply. “I am your barmaid nothing more, the sooner you get that the sooner you can move on wooing the other ladies this wonderful town has to offer.”

“Ah, but none of these other ladies stir me as much as you do.” His grin becomes sharper and he moves even closer to you. 

The space behind the bar isn’t very large, big enough for one person really, and with how far he’s leaning you can feel your back brushing against the shelves behind you. 

“The only thing I want from you Roland is payment for your tab and for you to leave.” Your voice carried the weariness that was creeping into your heart, men like Roland rarely took no for an answer. You didn’t want to have to hurt him, it would be hard to explain. 

“Such harsh words darling, I promise I’m not nearly as bad as you think I am.” He reached forward and grasped your wrist. You pulled away instinctively and his grip hardened. “I think you might even like it.” Your face screwed up and you bared your teeth ready to rip out of his hold.

“Get your hand off her.”

Your head whipped to the voice. Kili. Why was he still here? How long had he been here? How much had he seen?

“Piss off runt, this is between me and the lady.” Roland didn’t move his eyes away from you.

“Remove your hand from my One or lose it, you oaf.” Kili growled from the corner of the room. The sharp sound of metal reverberated from the space and if you thought the rage on Kili’s face was intense, it was even more striking with a sword in his grip.

Both you and Roland were looking at the dwarf now. Your lips had parted and your eyes widened. Not only because you were sure blood would be spilled tonight but because of what Kili said. A thousand thoughts ran through your head all in the same second. You had to shake yourself back to the present.

Roland’s grip on your wrist slacked a bit and you took the opportunity to bring your arm to your chest. Your eyes bounced between the two men. You looked around behind the counter, searching desperately for something you could use. You let out a breath when you caught sight of the wooden handle resting on top of a wet rag.

“Pay the lady and leave, like she asked.” Kili took a step closer to the brute his posture reminding you of a coiled snake, muscles tight underneath his skin and ready to strike. 

“I do not take orders from dwarves.” Roland’s voice had deepened, his frustration bleeding through into every syllable. His hand reached out towards the axe holstered on his belt.

“You will either leave here with your dignity, or you will not leave at all. That I can be sure of.”

“Mighty words for an imp.” Roland pulled his axe from his belt and took a step towards Kili. As much as you might like to see the two fight, and you really did.  You needed to stop this before it started. 

You grasped the knife that had been lying on the towel and firmly drove it into the counter in front of you. The noise stopped both men in their tracks and they turned their heads to you, not yet dropping their battle stances.

“Enough. I will not be cleaning any blood off these walls tonight. Roland, you're drunk and daft-  a combination no woman in her right mind would want. Leave and don’t show your face here again. There are plenty of other places to drink, choose one.” You look into his eyes as you rip the knife from the wood, pointing it towards him and gesturing towards the door. 

He grumbles but holsters his axe and begins to leave.

“Oaf, you forget something?” Kili called out to him. You cut your eyes to the dark-haired prince narrowing your gaze on him. “Or are you the type of man to run out on his debt?” 

Roland turns slowly and his hand flexes by his side. He takes a large breath before grabbing a small leather bundle from his coat pocket and throwing it up on the counter. Kili smirks and nods his head. 

Roland lets out a low growl but continues on his path, pushing past the doors and onto the street. You don’t move until he turns the corner. At which point you deflate. Your head falls forward like a puppet without strings and you take a deep breath to soothe your racing heart.

“What was that?” Your question, head still bowed.

“What?” Kili takes a step toward you and you shoot up.

“What was that Kili!?” Your chest heaves with every breath you take. “I had it handled, I don’t need you coming in here and threatening people!”

“He put his hands on you!” Kili shouts.

“So you pull your sword?! I do not need a bodyguard Kili let alone one with a temper as bad as yours.” You throw your hand up and drag one across your forehead. “Know this, Your Highness, I have no intention of being claimed by you.” Kili’s eyes grow wide and he opens his mouth to speak, “Do not think I don’t know what a One is, I have traveled these lands for a very long time.” You interrupt him. “I have been claimed by far too many men far too many times, I told you, I belong to nobody but myself now. Do you understand?” You look into his eyes, waiting for a response.

“I have no intention of claiming you, I simply wish to share my life with you.” 

“That is very sweet Kili, but you don’t me. You cannot possibly wish to spend your life with me.”

“Then let me get to know you.” He pleads, “I have never felt like this before.” He takes several steps towards you, pulling your hand into his own and looking up into your eyes. “They say that being with your One is the greatest joy a dwarrow can know. I have had a taste now, being in your space, speaking with you, hearing your laugh, and seeing you smile. It has made me feel more alive than any battle and made my heart more full than it has ever been. I will not force you into anything, I care for you too much for that but I will plead with you. Please amralime, give me a chance to make you as happy as you make me. Let me stay by your side and know you not just as a friend but as a partner, through all things.”

His words steal the breath from your lungs and the beat from your heart. They make you feel like you're flying and sinking all at the same time. There is a part of you, deep down that is screaming for you to give in, to let him love you. 

“Kili I-” You pause, “I am tired. Tired of a great many things. I-I I think you should go.” You turn from him and blink back the tears that flood your eyes. You hear him sigh followed by the creek of the floorboard he stands on as he shifts his weight. He does not speak though, simply drops his arm from where it had been holding your hand and makes his way to the door. 

You hear it open and your shoulders tense, the chill air floods into the room and nips at your skin. Then the door shuts and you're alone. Not for the first time, you question if this really is all for the best.

taglist: @bunnybabe-babydoll @kokochanel111 @shiinata-library @oneiratxxia10 @targaryenteam @sunnysidesidra @shadowrose13-blog1-blog1

[cinderella-ish]

Fruits Basket Personality Types Part 5: Kyo Sohma

Gosh, Kyo is such a wonderful character, isn't he? Seeing him find happiness in the end was genuinely healing for me.

Kyo Sohma's Enneagram

Wound: Oof. Where to start? Kyo's father was shown to be verbally abusive and is strongly implied to be physically abusive. His mother kept him hidden away, and Kyo felt like she didn't accept all of him. He was called a monster from the time he was born, and then he was blamed for his mother's death.

Wounding message: You will only ever hurt the ones you love.

Core desire: For his loved ones to be safe

Core fear: Hurting the people he loves

Defense mechanism: hypervigilance, projecting blame onto others, pushing people away

Strengths: resilience, sensitive to others' needs and feelings, hard worker, loyal, diligent, responsible, loving, warm

Challenges: self-defeating, extremely low opinion of self, resigned, judgmental, hypervigilant

When healthy: kind, warm, relaxed

When unhealthy: aggressive, competitive, out of touch with feelings

Here's what connects when I go back to the Enneagram post:

Wound: could be 1, 6, or 8

Wounding message: 6, maybe 5

Core desire: 6

Core fear: 1, 2, 6, or 9

Defense mechanism: 6 or 8

Strengths: 1, 2, 3, 6, 8

Challenges: 5, 6, or 8

When healthy: 1, 3, 6, or 8

When unhealthy: 2, 6, 7, 8, or 9

I've written before that I see Kyo as an 8, but I was wrong! Kyo is clearly an Enneagram 6.

Sixes are a bit unique in that they have two different ways they show up: Phobic and Counter-Phobic. From Truity:

Phobic Sixes deliberately move away from the source(s) of fear, and tend to fly under the radar. They’re open and expressive about their vulnerabilities and weaknesses, so others can understand their situation and line of thought. This is their prime defense mechanism to avoid being manipulated. Counter-Phobic Sixes, on the other hand, possess a high-strung, irrational fear of fear itself — which may paradoxically translate to rule-breaking. They try to keep up an image of independence on the surface: a tough exterior to shield their persistent internal uncertainty.

Kyo is clearly Counter-Phobic, putting on a tough front to mask how scared he really is.

This excerpt, also from Truity, is such a good description of Kyo, I'm just going to include it in full:

As a child, the Six may have grown up in an unsafe environment, had overprotective guardians, or experienced a traumatic event that shaped their worldview. This type sees the world as a place of danger — anything or anyone outside of the Six’s circle of trust is a potential threat. Sixes are extremely logical types. They are constantly strategizing and planning for future events and how to protect themselves and their loved ones from harm. When you think of the stereotypical “survivalist,” you are likely imagining someone with several Enneagram Six characteristics. The Enneagram Six is part of the “head-based” triad, along with Type Five and Type Seven. Each of these types deal with fear as a core emotion, but no type tackles fear as head-on as the Six does. A healthy Six is a person you want to have on your side — they are loyal, trustworthy, honest, and protective. When less healthy, the Six can get in the habit of fear-based decision-making and creating self-fulfilling prophecies.

I wrote a bit in my series on Kyo's relationship with Momiji that Kyo's main focus from the beginning is on protecting Tohru, and he's often scolding her when she's in situations that put her at risk of harm.

It's typical of Kyo to get stuck in his head and become self-defeating. When I think of the "self-fulfilling prophecies," I think of his reactions in the True Form arc, or when Tohru confessed her love to him.

Sixes are in the Head center, and they tend to overexpress fear. This shows up for Kyo not only in his hypervigilance and attentiveness to Tohru's safety, but even in the way he's easily startled. Those moments are quite funny in the series, but it's kind of sad knowing the root of his jumpiness.

Wing

Sixes will tend to lean more towards some aspects of Fives or Sevens.

The Enneagram Institute refers to 6w5s as "The Defender," and 6w7s as "The Buddy." "The Defender" sounds more like Kyo to me.

EnneaApp describes 6w5 like this:

Seeks security by investing in strong beliefs and aligning with a group.

More inclined to delve deeply into a hobby or specific area of interest.

Can be aggressive for a cause; strong focus on fairness and loyalty

Skeptical; reactive to sources of authority that seems unjust or unfair

More introverted than 6w7; serious; very focused and self-controlled

This is such a good description of Kyo!

Subtype

Since Kyo tends to be more focused on 1:1 connections (particularly his connection with Tohru), I think he's a SE or SX 6. Here's what Enneagram Explained has to say about SX 6:

SX 6s are the Countertype of type 6 as they react in an opposite way with their vice (fear), this is the subtype that is usually referred to as a “counterphobic 6” They may even be unaware of their fear as they tend to take on a “the best defense is a good offense” mentality.

They go on to say that SX 6s can sometimes be mistaken for type 8s.

Tritype

Kyo's Tritype probably includes both 6 and 8, and his Heart type is probably either 2 or 3. After reading the descriptions of those types on Katherine Fauvre's website, I think Kyo fits 3-6-8 (the "Justice Fighter") the best:

If you are a 368, you are ambitious, inquisitive, and protective. You want to be accomplished, loyal, and straightforward. Verbally adept and a good reader of people and situations, you have the ability to identify unjust authority, rebel against tyranny, and verbally spar against it. You seek people and situations that share your values and work hard to achieve your goals. You want to get along with others but can struggle with being too direct and outspoken.

Kyo Sohma's MBTI

I already wrote a bit about how I see Kyo as ESFJ in my MBTI overview post, but here's a breakdown of why:

E vs. I: I think Kyo falls near the middle of these, but he tends to focus on the external world and on other people, so I'd lean toward Extroverted.

S vs. N: I see Kyo as strongly Sensing.

T vs. F: I see Kyo near the middle of these two again, but with a tendency toward Feeling.

J vs. P: I see Kyo as strongly Judging.

Type Dynamics: Here's how I explained Kyo's Type Dynamics in the MBTI post:

Fe- Kyo wears his heart on his sleeve and is highly attuned to the needs of others.

Si - Kyo prefers routine and predictability. He remembers details about the past which inform his understanding of the present.

Ne - since Kyo is still young, this process is probably not very developed for him, but he may tend to brainstorm aloud. He sees possibilities in the outside world and shares the connections he makes with others.

Ti - this process is probably more developed for Kyo than in most teens, since he's experienced so much trauma. Kyo possesses a strong internal framework and can sometimes make harsh judgments, especially about himself.

There are examples of each of these in canon, even Ne. Things like when he suddenly suggested pancakes at the beach house, or how he talked through his thoughts on the future with Kazuma might be examples of how he brainstorms aloud and shares the possibilities he sees in the outside world with others.

Here's the description for ESFJ:

ESFJ: Warmhearted, conscientious, and cooperative. Want harmony in their environment, work with determination to establish it. Like to work with others to complete tasks accurately and on time. Loyal, follow through even in small matters. Notice what others need in their day-to-day lives and try to provide it. Want to be appreciated for who they are and for what they contribute.

Wow, that fits him perfectly!

So, to summarize:

Enneagram: SE CP 6w5 (The Loyalist/The Defender)

Tritype: 3-6-8 (The Justice Fighter)

MBTI: ESFJ (The Provider)

What do you think? Did I get it right or wrong? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Next up: Yuki!

Fruits Basket Personality Types Series: Enneagram | MBTI | Tohru | Akito | Yuki | Haru | Kisa | Momiji | Hatori | Ayame | Rin | Hiro | Ritsu | Kureno | Shigure | Kagura | Kazuma | Saki | Arisa | Machi | Kakeru | The Hondas | Kaibara Students

[balkanradfem]

I've been listening to "Roots and Refuge" podcast, it's been great and calming, and today I heard something so funny it inspired me to write about it.

If you've read my blog a while back, you'll know that Roots and Refuge is a youtube channel on gardening and homesteading, led by Jess, a woman who picked her entire family and moved into nature to grow food and live healthily. Something I didn't mention before, is that Jess is religious. She does change pretty much everything about religion so it would fit her unique sense of kindness and fairness, but it's still a bit painful to see her give credit to an invisible god for all of her personal accomplishments.

On this podcast, she was with her husband, and they were answering questions from viewers. One of the questions was 'How did you encourage your family members to go along with homesteading?' and she laughed and commented she got this a lot, and how kindly it was phrased 'encourage', when it's more like making her husband do it. And I wasn't even aware that her husband was not into the whole homesteading idea at all, but she was about to tell the story about how she got him to do it anyway.

She described first about how she was sure they were supposed to do it, because she could hear god's voice (her own gut feeling) telling her it was right for them, and it was the correct thing for their family. Sure in herself, she lead the entire family in that direction, and she used the word 'leader' for herself multiple times, with absolute confidence. I was thinking how funny it was that this was exactly against what religion was saying, but I was loving it. Hearing a woman lead her family with full confidence and nobody being able to stand in her way, gave me heart.

Then she talked about how much pressure she was putting on her husband to support her, and he chipped in and explained, that it was very difficult for him to do it under pressure, and that at one point the pressure stopped, and then he was able to choose it for himself. He repeated several times, 'it was my choice, I was able to choose it and it was my choice that I did it', almost trying to convince himself.

And I'm like--- she put him right in the spot where he had to go to 'choice feminism' to resemble some sense of control of where his life was going! She overpowered him so completely with her 'god told me this is what we have to do' (her gut feeling) that he basically had no choice but to eventually come around to it. He even uses the phrase 'came around to it' multiple times. It made me laugh.

One thing I adore about them is how Jess is in control of everything, makes almost all of the decisions, plans projects, draws out her visions, controls all of the media and created content encouraging others to do so as well, possibly not realizing what a powerful woman she is for doing so. Her gut feeling is excellent and lead her in a direction where she now has a huge farm of her own, a family taken care of, an abundance of healthy homegrown food and adoration of the internet. There are some bad side-effects she admits to; she often feels overwhelmed, like she's carrying the whole world on her own shoulders, and needs a bit of time off from the family, to go camping or just sleep somewhere else, to feel at ease again. I believe this is because in this scenario, she really is holding it all together on her own. She does it exceptionally well, but she's still, the sole leader, the only one who has to make it all happen.

I like that she was able to weaponize religion and call her gut feeling 'the voice of god', I think that's a good way to deal with religious people, how could they possibly counter that? (except, you know, institutionalization and fire, but in her case it works.) The side effects are still pretty severe though, and that's why I'm thinking, multiple women, all together, sharing the burden and responsibility of leading and protecting, that would be something.

I think every woman has that gut feeling that she's usually very discouraged from listening to, but this gut feeling is also the closest thing to a god we could possibly have. Women are creators of the entire human population, human species even. We are the only divinity that exists. If we have a voice inside of us, telling us what we want to do next, how do we want to go about life, is that not the voice of creators, voice of divinity? If all of us got together and made some choices together, about the future of this world, that would be the most divine thing to happen on this planet. Here we can see how just one woman trusting her inner voice created a paradise for herself and her family - her husband too, because even though he needed some 'coming around', her plan was ultimately incredibly good and beneficial to him, he now has everything, because he listened to her. Women's plans for their families include benefits for the entire family, unlike male's, who usually prefer to put their families into roles of servitude in favour of his personal success.

Trust your gut feeling! That is the divine voice of what you want and need. And it's better than what any male thinks is right. It should trample all of their opinions and needs. Women are natural leaders, and we can make incredible futures happen.

[v3nusxsky]

May I request a platonic Lady Lesso x Student Reader? Where instead of Sophie, Rafal chose to use Reader instead. Then he decided to mind control them and Lesso tried her best to snap Reader out of it. Once Reader comes back, they feel extremely guilty because they accidentally hurt Lesso but Lesso's like "It's fine, sweetheart. I'm okay." Basically just hurt/comfort. I live for soft and motherly Lesso <333

I also just want to say that I really admire you. You're very talented and I love all your stories, they bring me so much comfort. Thank you, and I hope you're doing well!! :DD

-🦝

Hello my lovely 🦝anon, I really appreciate your kind words darling.I’m so glad my work brings you comfort.

I didn't mean to

*Authors note ~ My darling anons I must say I'm loving all of your requests and hearing from you all, thank you for making my life that little bit better with all your love and support*

Trigger warning~ manipulation mind control accidental violence

Prompt ~see ask ^^^^^

Rafal was truly a piece of work, you knew that. What you didn't know is why he wanted you. He could've picked any other Never student, yet he picked you to do his bidding. For a Never you were pretty well behaved, but ever since Rafal appeared you'd been doing things without thought, without a rhyme of reason.

At first people let it slip, maybe thinking you were just finally embracing your Never roots. But after a month or so, you began to take it too far. By now you had no control, your head hurt more often than not and you felt like another person entirely. Your heart hurt as you battled with yourself, why couldn't you feel in control of your own body and mind? Simply, it was because you were not in any form of control. Rafal had a plan and you were nothing more than a pawn to him in his very complicated chess match.

Leonora was fed up with this behaviour and she set out to put a stop to it. She had ordered you to be sent to the Doom Room, hoping she could scare you into stopping this or maybe even telling her why you were all of a sudden interested in mayhem. When she saw you strapped to the chair her heart ached, truly you were her good dove, she'd never thought you'd be here like this. "You, you, you" she purred prowling towards you. That was all it took for Rafal to enter your mind, only this time he allowed his voice to speak through you. "Leonora" he growled and she felt the colour drain from her face, "Rafal" she spat back watching as you some how managed to break through the restraints, well he did.

"Let her go Rafal, your problem is with me not her" she kept her tone harsh and firm showing she meant business yet all he did was cackle. "Your perfect soulmate hmm! Tell me why i shouldn't kill you and make her watch for fun and then kill her too." He taunted waiting for the reaction she gave instantly and instinctively coming towards your body, "fucking try me you bastard, you won't hurt her like you did me"

"Oh... but I already have" and with that your hand made contact with Leonora's face. Over and over again before tossing her body to the ground, your foot coming to press on her right knee that coincidently was injured by Rafal a few years previous. Very un Leonora like she let out a pained whimper and that seemed to awaken you from Rafal. You fought mentally to push him away and get to Lesso, after a few minutes successfully riding yourself from his clutches, his final words to Leonora being a reminder that he will be back, you'll both never be free of him.

You're head hurt, the room was spinning and your vision blurred at the corners of your eyes. What on earth had happened? You were trying to make out the blurry lump that lay on the floor in front of where you stood. When had you been let out? Your heart broke when you realised it was Lesso on the ground whimpering in pain, you quickly scanned the room realising no one else was here, you must have hurt her. But why would you do that to someone you love?

"I'm sorry I'm so so sorry Nora, I'm sorry I'm so so sorry" you apologised over and over coming to kneel down by her head. "It's fine, sweetheart. I'm okay." She all but whimpered out. "You're in pain! Because of me! I hurt you" you sobbed as the reality sunk in. "Sweetheart, listen to me. You didn't hurt me not you. You're such a good little one, it was Rafal, I'm so sorry I didn't protect you sweetheart but I promise that will change now. I'll protect you from him" at the promise you threw yourself into her arms.

You both sat on the floor, you whispering apologises and Leonora trying to tell you it wasn't your fault and Rafal was manipulating you based on the fact Leonora had feelings for you. You were are part to play in his idea of hurting her. It broke your heart and you only wished you could've been stronger. That you could've fought him harder. But here and now you had each other and you'd fight Rafal together, never leaving each others sides.

Word count ~ 900

[dzthenerd490]

I have some complaints about certain things in the SCP:HMF. In your au, you explained to me that there were “foundationist” basically immortal fascists of the foundation. I’m going to be honest with you, I don’t like the “foundationists”. Like it is so strange to have the staff being immortal and being huge jerks against regular humans, it feels so out of place, it feels like they belong in a different canon of your AU. I also don't like how it is achieve so easily, yes there probably is a SCP that easily do it but I don't like how 05 just easily does it like you said they really don't care but they should because there is literally a canon where the foundation realizes that death is a necessary part of life. The cannon is called “The End of Death” if you are wondering. 

This brings me to my second problem, which is the portrayal of the global occult coalition. Like you portray the GOC as just typical genocidal maniacs that want to kill all anomalies in the world. Like the foundations are supposed to be the protagonist of the HMFverse, however because of the Foundationist thing of them wanting to recreate a SCP-5000, like how can I root for them? I support the GOC more because of those “facists”.

I don’t blame you for just portraying the GOC as “KILL ALL ANOMALIES” it's that how they were written back in the early days of the SCP wiki. Nowadays, GOC should be a professional, elite organization as the anomalous wing of the UN and essentially a global organization with the governments of world powers supporting it and should be as powerful and well equipped (if not moreso) than the Foundation. 

 The GOC are anomalous themselves (literally made up of 108 paranormal organisations, religions, and other groups), their leader is D. C. al Fine, a shapeshifter, thaumaturgist, and ontokinetic. Heck in the canon UNFOUNDED (basically a canon where the SCP Foundation doesn’t exist and the GOC are the protagonist) she is a grown up version of Sigurros.  

And to the extent of which they destroy anomalies. In most cases when said anomalies are inherently dangerous and can't be reasoned with. As a matter of fact they are pretty cool with people with powers living normally as long as they don’t use said power to hurt people.

Woah! Okay let's get to work I'm going to chop down your main points to answer them but please be aware I am in no way disregarding any of the details of your points I'm just organizing my answers.

Your Point on Foundationists - I actually forgot about the "End of Death" Scenario when I was coming up with the immortality thing. I just didn't want time to be a hinderance since I do have a timeline in SCP: HMF and figured it was stupid that the Foundation had so many ways to strengthen and rejuvenate the vitality of its employees, yet it was only ever reserved for the O5. That was mainly my own frustration in manifest.

HOWEVER, I also have other things planned for the Foundationists which is why I won't be getting rid of them or the immortality concept, sorry.

But you made a good point though, and it has got me thinking about how I should potray the Foundationist's form here on out. I'll keep it in mind. Thanks!

Your Point about the GOC - ... Okay I have a confession to make I don't like the GOC. I know you're a GOC fan, but I don't like them I actually hate them. since there with the UN I think of them as politicians and Bureaucrats that waist time, not focusing on the real issue, and often make things worse for everyone even themselves.

Yeah, I know the GOC has anomalies within it, I've made it a rule that they make exceptions for SOME anomalies (mostly more human looking ones). I've been trying to find something or think of an OC SCP that could possibly work with being allies with the GOC instead of the SCP Foundation, but I haven't got much except for some Resident Evil characters (minor spoiler, though I won't say who).

The main reason I made the SCP Foundation describe the GOC as a bunch of gun nuts is because in the Foundation's eyes they destroy opportunity. YES, the GOC doesn't destroy every anomaly the come across but for those they DO destroy the SCP Foundation feels as though it's a loss in potential anomalous science. In the eyes of the O5 even dangerous anomalies can be useful, therefore they want to contain everything anomalous. That's why the GOC calls them Egg heads that send good soldiers to die for suicidal science... or they call them SCP Fucks like everyone else.

I haven't made this clear as of late, that's my fault and your right. I'll try to make more tales in the future where the GOC and the Foundation can have actual conversations and talk about their organization's philosophy to each other rather than just insulting each other.

My overall Response - The Foundationists and the Global Occult Coalition. These are problems I actually already had planned to deal with; HOWEVER, that is not an excuse. I thank you for giving this criticism because one you have actually pointed out a few flaws I didn't consider like the immortality problem which I'll be sure to make a few more tales that will be specifically about that issue. two, now I'm sure to which tales and files to put a rush on after my break. Though I still have the queue so it will take a while... sorry.

But seriously though, thank you so much for your criticism. I know everyone wants to be told their writing is flawless and amazing which I'm guilty of that too but that's just now how it works. For creativity to thrive it must go through new experiences and criticism is quite possibly one of the best experiences as it helps it grow the strongest under criticism. Also being told what works best, that works too... actually I think both works great together. I'll be sure to use yours to make my writing better. Again, thanks!

[desertfangs]

What do you think of Armand and Marius's reunion at the end of Blood Communion? Armand opens his heart back up to Marius according to the text. It felt as if Rice was reconnecting both Lestat/Louis and Marius/Armand in that novel.

I'm sorry if this sounds invasive. I don't like so-called ship wars because these vampires are polyamorous in nature but why do so many Devil's Minion's fans here write about Armand and Daniel as if they are endgame when it doesn't exactly seem so? It seems many ignore the contents of Blood Communion.

Anon, I love that it seems Armand's heart is no longer shut against Marius! Armand thought he had lost him which is bound to make anyone take stock, and I really hope that's the catalyst of them healing their relationship and coming to an understanding. I am rooting for them!! And I think Daniel is also rooting for them, paying mediator and translator as needed, and wanting them to settle things so they can all be happy and cuddle on the couch together.

I do think BC2 was Anne trying to reconnect Louis and Lestat and bring everyone to a place of like... We're Getting Along Now and Court is A Happy Place and Everyone Is Fine. There's Marius and Armand, plus Armand and Lestat share that look at the end seems to imply they've come to a better understanding or at least are going to try.

You don't sound invasive and I sure hope I didn't sound like I was trying to encourage any ship fighting because I am not about that life. If I had my way, they'd all hang out together all the time like one big polycule on a giant sectional sofa at TG watching movies and having make outs. Eternity is a long time, you're not going to get everything from one person. Armand also loves Louis deeply, and we know he loves Lestat. Obviously he loves Marius! I don't think Daniel can be or wants to be everything to Armand, and while I think some jealousy is fun for delicious drama, I don't think it's the ruling factor in most of their relationships, either.

Now the big question: Why do Devil's Minion fans write about Armand and Daniel as if they're endgame? I mean, by virtue of being DM fans, we are heavily invested in their relationship. A/D are my OTP and while that's not true for all DM fans, gun to my head if I had to pick one couple who earned their happy ending, I'd say it's them. They had a rough road. Daniel getting The Blood was beautiful moment of victory and Armand seemed so happy with him in QotD, despite any misgivings he may have had. It's great!

And then... stuff falls apart but we only get tidbits for the rest of the series. We know they split, we know Armand almost died, we know Daniel went mad, and then we know they come back together in PL and go hunting. We know they shack up in PLROA and plan to go back to Trinity Gate together. We're given crumbs but the trail does lead to them getting that happy ending after all.

I don't think anything in BC2 discounts that. Daniel isn't mentioned at all so we don't know where he is but we also don't get any indication that things went south between Armand and Daniel since they left for TG. Armand's love for Marius and Lestat and Louis doesn't change his love for Daniel. He loves all of them desperately and that's why he's so intent on trying to help protect them and so frustrated that he is often dismissed at Court.

So I can't speak for all DM fans but I don't think the intention of us taking that happy ending and holding it tight is meant to dismiss or discount those other relationships. We're just very happy we got anything given how little of them we got in the latter half of the series.

I hope that makes sense!

[narendur]

So I'm kiiiind of hesitant to add to this chain tbh because executive dysfunction issues isn't really what this post was originally about but I think I might have something useful to say so here goes.

My biggest adhd symptom is really bad executive dysfunction. For most of my life I have dealt with it using a maladaptive coping mechanism of bullying myself into panic attacks to get to appointments and accomplish tasks, because positive motivation is so unpredictable.

Now this is an effective coping mechanism when used in moderation, but it always comes at the price of your physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing, and when used too much the panic will push you over into freezing up and not doing the thing anyway. For me, it got so bad with specifically getting to work on time that I'd pass out from anxiety on the way out the door. It is not a sustainable coping mechanism.

So then what is an almost always effective mechanism? And the answer is nothing, unfortunately. All the standard suggestions - alarms, calendars, routines, task chaining, buddy systems, meds, turning your phone off, etc. - are somewhat effective and the effects stack, but ultimately there will be times when they fail and the only thing I've found that helps is accepting that I'm going to forget things and be late and everything else, and make sure I have some prep for that. It sucks and it makes holding down a normal job really difficult, but so does driving myself with fear.

So what does accepting and preparing for failing to meet your expectations look like? For me, it often looks like setting boundaries, especially to give myself buffer time: telling friends not to expect me to check my phone right away, taking on part time or flexible work when I can (to leave days where my one task is housework or play), planning for activity prep to take twice as long as I actually think it will, informing employers that I will not be arriving 15 minutes before start time, and otherwise stating or negotiating what expectations others are allowed to hold me to as well as lowering my personal expectations.

Sometimes it also looks like asking for help. Buddy pacts (with no shame for failure), having each friend organize a meal once a week/month, making explicit agreements with roommates and partners about housework, gentle reminders BEFORE something gets to a frustrating point, and making minimum versions of tasks to meet basic needs are all really good ways to support other people and receive support yourself. For example, dishes are my job and I need the kitchen clean to cook, but if it doesn't get done for a bit then my partner will bug me and he needs a pan, a spatula, and 2 spoons cleaned, which is usually doable for me by task chaining. If it's not, we check in and chat about it.

And then ultimately, when you do drop the ball, asking Okay, What do I do now? No shame, no judgement. What are the consequences, what can I learn, what do I do to try to pick the ball back up. I had a project due at work today and remembered when my boss messaged me asking for it - shit. Okay, where is it at, what needs to be done, how long will it take? And then communicate that I've dropped the ball and what I'm doing about it.

Because jobs actually have managers (often) and are usually the most rigid part of our lives, it's even more important imo to create space to rest, to fail to meet our goals, and to half ass things at home and with friends. There are still times when I have to use fear as a motivator and manager, but the more I can save it for actual survival things, the more I thrive. A plant vining everywhere will die if it never roots or finds sunlight, but you can support a lot off of just a few leaves (food/sleep/etc) and a taproot (friends and family who invite you over for dinner/have housework parties/infodump process your work projects together).

kill the shift manager in your brain

[timeoverload]

I know I have been very unpredictable lately but that is simply because I have reached my breaking point. I know I said I wasn't going to talk to you until summer was over but I think I should clarify why I feel the way I do.

I don't want to spend every night on tumblr anymore. I used to enjoy it but I really need a break because I am burned out. I am too tired for this. I want to do other things sometimes but I'm always on here.

I also feel very hurt when you choose not to talk to me. I don't like how the only way we can talk is through tumblr posts. It causes so many unnecessary misunderstandings. Communication is extremely important to me if you haven't noticed by now. I would message you myself but I don't know if you are going to try to push me away again or not so I'm not planning on it. When I get ignored for an extended period of time, it makes me feel unwanted and I shut down. It's hard to believe that you are listening sometimes but I know you are. I'm getting sick of repeating myself but it doesn't do any good to do that. I have tried to meet up with you so many times but nothing ever happens. I feel like I can't get through to you.

Why do you get so upset when I run away if you don't want to commit to me? It doesn't make sense. I'm not sure how much freedom I need to give you. I'm getting a lot of mixed signals. On Saturday you posted something that lead me to believe that you are content where you are at and you don't want anything to change. You would rather sit at home and feel sorry for yourself. That isn't going to fix anything. I felt like you were trying to push me away so I backed off and gave you as much space as I could. It seems like you are emotionally unavailable due to your fears.

Sometimes I think you try to sabotage our relationship by ignoring me. I don't think it's always on purpose necessarily. You don't believe you deserve love and happiness so you push it away. You do deserve it whether you think so or not.

I know that intimacy and commitment are scary. I know that creates a lot of anxiety for you. It scares me too but I'm not going to let that hold me back. I already know that you are the one for me.

I think you need to think about the things you say to yourself. I can tell that you have a negative perception of yourself. You should be nicer to yourself. I know it's hard to reframe your thoughts but I think you need to try. I know I need to try to do that more often too. Affirmations sound silly but they do help. You should start paying attention to your good qualities more because you have a lot of good qualities. You are such an amazing person and I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. Please don't beat yourself up about things that happened in the past because that isn't constructive.

I know that you had a tough upbringing and whoever raised you didn't show you enough affection. I think that they taught you that you aren't supposed to show any emotions and that you have to be tough all the time. You are very self-reliant for a reason. It's ok to need people around and express emotions! You don't think you need anybody around because you spent a lot of your life alone. You have a hard time being vulnerable and talking about the way you feel.

I am sorry that your family was so cruel to you. I understand that you have a lot of trauma and you are afraid to talk about it. I know you didn't have good role models when you were growing up. I think that's why you have trouble being in a healthy relationship because you weren't exposed to that when you were young. I think that is the root of a lot of your issues.

I can relate to you because I had similar experiences. I know it sucks but I think it's important to learn from those negative memories in order to prevent perpetuating the cycle in the future. You shouldn't let your past dictate you forever. You can create the happy life that you didn't get to have when you were a kid. You are free now.

I am not trying to make you feel bad about anything. I am just trying to understand you.

I don't know how much space I should give you because I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I don't want to trigger you. I shouldn't have said that I needed you earlier because that is just going to send you running. I am independent but I know I'm not as self-reliant as you are. I need a little more help doing things than you do and I think that scares you too. I don't want to rely on you for everything.

I don't want to be needy but I could really use some support. I think you are also concerned about the state of my health. I think you might be afraid that I'm going to die and you'll end up alone. I think I would live a lot longer if you would let me be a part of your life. You could help encourage me to eat better because it seems like you know a lot about food. You could help me try new things and I could be healthy again. I can't guarantee I will like everything but I'm willing to try. I know I would like to be more active outside of work too. I know you like to go do stuff outside so we could go for walks sometimes. I could help you with a lot of things. I can be your emotional support. We could work on moving past our insecurities together. We can help each other.

I know you are worried that I will take you away from the things you enjoy but I'm not going to do that. We don't have to spend every second together. I like having alone time too because I'm very introverted. I don't care if you go and hang out with your friends. I might not have people to hang out with but it's ok. I can sit at home by myself and I'm not going to blow up your phone unless I have something nice to say or if there is an emergency. All I ask is that you make some time for me. I'm not here to control you, I am here to be your companion.

I'm not sure how much space I need to give you. I don't want to scare you away by trying to be affectionate. I want to be respectful of your boundaries but I'm not sure what they are exactly.

Honestly, I am a very touchy person and I don't want to bother you by being that way. I love hugs and holding hands. I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I have to restrain myself every time I see you because I really want to hug you.

I definitely need some more stability and security in my life. I feel like I have been on an emotional roller coaster for years. I don't want to live like this anymore. I am ready to settle down. I want to be happy and healthy.

I'm not sure what to do right now. If I sit here and continue to complain, it isn't going to do any good. I know you want to know what I'm doing all of the time but this isn't fair to me anymore. You will continue to be complacent if I keep sharing everything with you. You will never commit if I allow you to have free access to my thoughts. I'm not giving you room to grow if I keep doing that. If you really want to be with me, you will make an effort to reach out or communicate with me in another way. I know it's scary. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack the last time I tried to send you a message but I still did it anyway. I know you can do it too. If you can take that first step, your anxiety will decrease from that point. Wouldn't it be better to know what I'm doing in real time so I don't have to write an essay at the end of the day? You wouldn't have to check my blog constantly to figure out what is going on. Aren't you getting tired of that?

I am going to remind you that I would never reject you. You already know I would say yes. If you came to me to talk, I would forgive you for everything immediately. I won't get angry with you about anything as long as you are loyal and respectful to me. What are you so afraid of?

Generally I'm pretty laid back despite my anxiety. You might not get that vibe from me considering so many of my posts have been dramatic. I'm usually very timid and quiet. I'm typically well behaved and I have good manners. I know I get upset sometimes and I have been trying to work on that but it has been tough lately. I just cannot forget to take my medication or else the demons come out. I don't like feeling like that and I don't miss feeling that way every day. I used to be awful without medication and I don't think I can live without it now. I'm not going to go back to the person I used to be and I don't miss having horrible intrusive thoughts. I am trying so hard to be a better person. I don't want you to be afraid of me.

I really think it would be best if I stay quiet for a while. I want to give you some time to work through some of your issues. I want you to get better. I don't want you to focus on me constantly because you are neglecting yourself. I want to see you happy and smiling. You have a nice smile. Just because I'm not posting things on here doesn't mean I'm ignoring you. I am still listening to you. You did the same thing for me for a long time. I am glad you listened to me.

You are allowed to contact me whenever you are comfortable doing so. You have all of my contact information already so you know how to get a hold of me. You have my permission and I have to keep reminding you that. I would love to talk to you.

There is never a "right time" to do anything so you don't need to wait for that. I don't want to wait until July but that is your decision and I can't make it for you. I am not trying to be mean or hurt you. I want to push you out of your comfort zone because I know you can do it! I want you to believe in yourself. You are capable of doing good things. You are in control of your life.

I really need to focus on taking care of myself too. If you saw the state of my bedroom, you would understand. It is absolutely unacceptable. I would not feel comfortable letting you see it. I don't know how I am supposed to tackle this mess I have made for myself. I don't think I have ever gotten this low before and I thought I had hit rock bottom a while ago. I wish it wasn't so hard for me to balance work with everything else. I remember that this happened when I was younger and in school. My room was always a disaster during the school year and it was difficult to manage my responsibilities at home simultaneously. During summer break I would deep clean my room and get organized but it would get messy again as soon as I went back to school. Going to school and work has always taken a lot out of me and it's hard to focus on other things. I have a difficult time finding a balance. I think that's just the way my brain works. It doesn't make it ok but normal people don't have this problem. I also have a lot of chronic conditions that started appearing when I was a kid and that has made living a normal life a challenge. It has gotten a lot worse as time has passed. I first started having symptoms of arthritis when I was in second grade and I thought it was normal for a long time. It wasn't just growing pains. I wish I wouldn't have been born so early either. I wonder how I would have turned out to be otherwise but I will never experience that. I need to try to love myself the way I am. I am just a little special but that's ok. I need to be grateful that I have been alive for 30 years because I didn't think I would make it this far. I have put my body through a lot. My life hasn't been easy but I'm pretty tough. I have to focus on surviving right now though. I can't be tough much longer. I thought I was going to have another episode today but I calmed myself down. I thought about taking medical leave for my mental health but I keep putting it off because it has been so busy and I don't want to screw anyone over. I need to stop worrying about work but it consumes my life and it sucks. I wish I could just fix myself. I am so tired and I hurt so bad. I can't do anything. I hate it. I haven't been eating or sleeping enough so I feel like a zombie. I am shaky even though I ate. I have been having more heart palpitations recently but that could just be a side effect of the supplements I'm taking or the muscle relaxers. I haven't been taking the muscle relaxers every day and I'm not addicted to them. I have been prescribed them for a longer period of time than what is usually recommended though so I need to be careful. I can't rely on them all the time unfortunately. I wish I didn't have so many issues. I feel like a burden sometimes. I am just a mess and I don't want to be a mess. I need to eat more and go to bed earlier if I want to feel any better. I do love my computer but I need a break from it because I spend the majority my free time using it. It can be a distraction sometimes. I need to give my eyes a break. I understand that you don't want to deal with my problems and I need to do what I can on my own. I need to work on nourishing myself and taking care of my responsibilities as much as I can.

I am also stressed about my mom and she has been a nightmare to try to deal with. I love her but she makes me so mad sometimes. I know that she doesn't understand what she is saying but she was being so mean to me earlier. She called me a slut and was making threatening comments because I said the wrong thing and triggered her. I had to mute the conversation again because it was too much. My grandma told me that my mom was pulling the staples out of her head the other day so that was concerning. She is going to get an infection or something. She can't plan anything and she is more forgetful than she was before. She can't make up her mind about what she wants to do. I want to help her but I am also afraid of her. She might be more prone to having outbursts now. It's hard to say because I haven't seen her in a long time. I don't think she is ever going to get help. I can't look at her messages right now because they make me upset. The nurse from the hospital called me to ask for my mom's number so I gave it to them. I doubt she will show up to any of her follow-up appointments. I hope she is ok.

I am just so worried about so many things. I don't have a lot of control over what is going on in my life at the moment. I am completely overwhelmed and I feel like shit. It has been a long day and I need to go to bed soon.

I am sorry I have to take a break from tumblr. I promise I'm not doing it to hurt you. I seriously don't have the energy right now. I have been writing for hours and I can't do this again for a while.

I am still around and you can still talk to me if you ever feel like it. I don't want you to think I'm fighting with you or ghosting you because I'm not. I just need to rest because I have been getting my ass kicked recently and I am very sick. I think you need to rest too. I hope that you will start feeling better. I hope that you will be kind to yourself.

Maxwell, I love you with all of my heart. I am always thinking of you. I also love everyone else that reads my posts without judgement. Thank you all for listening to me because it has helped me a lot. I truly hope everything gets better soon. I will return when I am able to.

💖💖💖

[thespectrespecss]

BRAVE [09.13.2023]

Back in elementary, we always had someone assigned to pray before the class. It's funny to remember how most of us if not all, would automatically answer "ba't ako" whenever the teacher pointed at us-- complete with an alarmed and panicked expression. Looking back, I realize how sometimes we're so quick to question why we are chosen to do certain tasks and roles, or even getting chosen by anyone for anything. It makes it hard to just obey for certain reasons: One is that we are just too busy doing what we're currently doing that we wouldn't want to start doing something that somebody else is making us do; we don't want to be uncomfortable just when we've started to be comfortable with what we're already doing. Another is that we tend to think that somebody else can do it, someone who still has room on their plate. In my case, I would usually ask, "Why me?" because I would always see myself as unfit for the things people are trying to make me do. I would always feel like I wasn't ready. I would always feel like I was still so unequipped to do it that I would immediately disqualify myself, thinking someone could be better and more deserving of whatever was being handed to me. Fear would always creep in, trying to intimidate you with the shame you'll get if you fail. It's always that fear of not being good enough. My tendency would always be to withdraw, run away, and miss the opportunity completely--- comforting myself with the thought that if it's for me, the opportunity will come again once I'm ready and completely equipped. But with how I used to see myself, I would really see myself unfit.

We watched Moana in Kids Sunday Service, particularly the part where she gave up the heart of Te Fiti and saying "I'm not the right person." Well, we know how the movie ends… She WAS the right person; she was just scared to go on because everything that's happening around her was not how she has planned it to be.

How often do we trust more on how our circumstances than trusting that God called us to do something because he knows WE CAN do it? It's just so easy to withdraw completely when everything we're seeing is not going the way we want, and even the people surrounding us are telling us that we CAN'T. It's just recently in my life that I got to meet people who reminded me that God never roots for us to fail. He places us in settings with the complete belief and trust that we are going to win.

I would always tell myself that I'm not READY when I'm actually scared. I used to not like going into things I do not see what the end result will be. It's nerve-wracking. I would always wait for the right sign, the right moment, before I completely get myself into it. And that was me only holding on to certainty.

We used to do dance concerts back in college. The moments before the show started were the worst. All our legs were shaking, tummy was aching out of agitation, sweats were breaking, and someone (probably me) was crying in the corner ready to back out of it. Then, the stage manager starts the countdown. With every number, the tension gets higher but then we'd always shout "To God be the Glory" and we'll brave it out when the stage managers shout, "---one!! READY!" We weren't ready, not with all the shaking and cold sweats. But we went out there. And in every dance sequence, until the very last of it, I would always think, "That wasn't bad after all."

A few weeks ago, I was just journaling some thoughts addressed to God, and I found myself writing,

"I love the way you love, God; with the exuberance of making me look forward to even the unknown."

It reminded me of what kind of God that I have. He never roots for me to fail at what he's putting me in. He didn't call me because of what I could do, but because of what he could do. I shouldn't be living on my own strength because that's limited, but instead, I should be living by the grace that he just endlessly pours out to me. I may not see where this is going, but with the grace he's given me to even be handed something I don't think I deserve; it would make me believe that I actually was made for such a time as this. No matter how unprepared or unfit I may be, God equips me because he has called me.

He has saved me and called me to live this holy life. It's just right that I respond in complete surrender. No matter how hard I'm shaking, how scared I am, and how much I say I'm not ready, I'll brave it out and obey when God says it's time for me to do it.

A lot of circumstances have already proven to me how much my God sustains me despite my own self being very limited, and so no matter how much the unknown may look like, I trust that he is bigger than whatever lies ahead.

I remember talking about Psalms 23 with my friend, particularly the verse,

Even though walk the shadows of the valley of death I will fear no evil for you are with me

And I could imagine how dark it would have been in the valley for it to be described as a shadow of death. But the confidence was anchored in the fact that LIGHT was with me despite the darkness. He lit up the path I would walk on so I could walk without fear. Jesus said in John 8:12, I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.

No matter how dark and uncertain what's ahead may be, when Jesus is with me, my path will be well lit and I can walk bravely into any abyss. I will go shaking, I will go scared, I will even go screaming if I have to, but his grace will always be the one that's going to give me comfort and light knowing I'm striding this journey with him ahead of me. I don't have to know what's beyond that darkness. If he's the one leading me there, then I'm all in. I don't have to be completely ready. I don't have to be completely perfect to go. When he tells me to go, I'll go.

[the-firebird69]

Obviously Max orchestrated Dana Hazel hitting our son with a Nerf in the nuts and it was gentle it wasn't that hard and he threw the football back normally to Dana later but really that's f****** so rude that guy's a f****** dead kid he's not a man he's a dead person says it you're the one who's going to attack the president and not Biden. That's because your people have been exterminated by them and you're weak and it wasn't Dana did you see him if you knew anything but you're retarded so I'm talking to Paul daughters don't do the gay s*** don't do the gay s*** don't do the gay s*** he does it whether he knows something or not and that's what you are you're very slow he also being extreminated by these people I tried to help and I get hit in the nuts and you do it again gently and it's insulated by ice and water but boy you are stupid person I can easily take care of you without trying 10 year old boy probably 100 more pounds than your daddy and it's muscle you're you're a freak you're so stupid and the kid hears it and he's almost crying say sorry but he didn't on purpose you know she looked right at him real quick and you don't want any of the bike cuz it's going to f*** around with it they didn't do anything cuz it's blocked he had to try again I'm going to cut your head off no we don't tolerate that we're going to have it done too what a f**** you're a f****** a****** little Dana Hazel's called witch hazel and she uses it and she had it done to cause stimulation probably won't do anything no it's not going to harm him it's smiled stimulation compared to what he has to do every day and you're a moron and people going to beat you up and kill you for what you did on this day something a reverent piece of s*** act how fitting shows your poor and weak later you want to attack the president who becomes a Mac quite often different maps you're taking with each other that's going towards their goal can you end up Dead forever if that's what you choose to do well you know that my own kids my own family I don't want a small one they come out of normal size and a normal person like me so think about it that way I wouldn't use her cuz she's a little bit of an a****** so he smiles and says good it's probably true and the excellent found him and left him there she's being a dick and he rotted from too much juice.

Moving on there's going to be a moment of silence at 4:30 for 5 minutes it's going to be intense because where he is he's at the wall it's a replica of the wall that's in Washington DC and it's smaller and it's only a partial but it's a representative of it and it shows next to a pond in a particular shape it looks like a tooth and wisdom tooth without the roots and the wise asses saying that something happened to us but really it is about them and they lost their wisdom tooth there in Vietnam and they haven't gotten it back they say they made a crazy plan to take it back and they didn't it's already running but they lost this plan it didn't make a difference I think and they're wrong and it's going to be evident shortly it is coming up the Revelation but now we're going to begin the moment of silence shortly and I'm going to brief my people as to what we're going to be doing

Thor Freya

I think you my husband and I'm sorry that happened I know you got steamed but these people are a bunch of jerks and really it's the max having them do it is poor and weak and small his people took a beating today it's one of the five houses peoples I thought he was going to die so you didn't really care what you're saying is he's not right and he's mean to his own and we agree but that is a Mac playing football with him and threatening her and the other ones so they're going to have to straighten them out and it didn't do anything and they said it wouldn't but really they really callous and stupid you're a young man and they don't get it I do the moment of silence will begin momentarily

Hera

Olympus

[dootznbootz]

MY HOMIES ALWAYS HAVE MY BACK!! I LOVE YOU ALL (PLATONICALLY)

It's about Odysseus' Boar scar >:D and it's very stupid.

I'm just going to come out front and say I've actually SEEN some "goring scars" (farm/woods stuff) and they are NOT pretty. There's a reason why when calves are young their horns are usually cauterized. As cows usually can't tell how strong they are and shove each other and can straight-up stab each other. :'D Infections and other stuff take root very quickly in these situations and the same with tusks on pigs.

I don't know much about pigs but my mom grew up with them, so I'm basing a lot of what I know from what she knows and some research on wild pigs on my own.

I personally love imagining the boar Odysseus took down in his youth to be about the size of the regular boars in Princess Mononoke. (The leaders like Nago and Okkoto being the size of the Calydonian Boar) . And even though it sounds like a regular boar in the Odyssey, I guess you could say that I love the idea from Epic: The Musical where it's a challenge from Athena at a young age. So therefore it's bigger. Plus everything in Greek Myths are already "larger than life" so why not go with it!

(best photo I could find at the moment, sorry. But just look at Tiny Ashitaka compared to the boars. Tiny 13-14 year old Odysseus. Itty bitty baby boy.)

And for how he got the boar scar, I personally love imagining him somehow getting tossed up in the air from the boar. Animals when "charging" have their head down usually and then toss UP at whatever they're attacking. These animals specifically are big so he would most likely be almost completely sitting on the boar's snout. I like imagining him doing the "final blow" during that. Yes, he got hurt but doing the risky thing is what allowed him to beat it.

I imagine the tusk first striking his knee, (if he were pressed up against a wall or something, it would've been SOO bad. like snapping leg backwards bad 😭) Then goes up inside his thigh and then welp, takes a nut 😔 😂 Odysseus nearly blacked out from pain before stabbing it in the shoulder, and he kind of slid off the snout a bit, in which it goes upward. and ends on his tummy.

Closeup of Said tummy scar by my dear friend thehelplessmortals :3

Like teen him wakes up after taking it down and passing out and he's in pain and panicking a bit but grandpa Autolycus is like "kid, it was barely not your femoral artery and you're lucky to have your intestines. this was the best possible outcome"

I also plan for basically the only reason why Odysseus survived this is because Athena helped him out like the gods do during the Iliad. Magic Healing. Why he can still run well despite the injury. (although I plan for it to cause some stiffness for the old man later on. Water Wife helps with joint and scar pain! :D )

~~~~

This causes Odysseus some *ahem* fertility issues later on. (he's a half-eunich now) I like imagining it took OdyPen a while to have Telemachus. Why it's even more tragic he wasn't able to spend a lot of time raising him. Plus GOOD genuine love is forged through SOME hardship. Having the strain of possible infertility on your marriage yet still loving one another? And fighting for one another??? GOOD ANGST FOR FUTURE FICS!!! >:D I also kind of find it funny for Odysseus to blame his asexualness/demisexualness on it. "This is why I don't feel sexual attraction! This is why I'm not 'normal' like others!" No buddy, you're just like that. Good try though! You fucking love your wife!

That's all, folks! :P

If this gets 5 likes, I'll say one of my silliest Odysseus headcanons. Not just say it, either. NO. I'll write a full-on essay on why I have this headcanon just to say the stupidest (and simplest) conclusion at the end.

[girltomboy]

Taking better care of myself

I am a bit disappointed with how I've been treating myself lately. Like, I care for myself and everything in terms of hygiene, nutrition, rest, etc., but I honestly could be more responsible and conscious. For example, I'm very very behind on my chores, and they keep piling up and I'm extremely overwhelmed because I don't know where to start now. There's something to pick up and fix in every single corner of my apartment, but after I finish work I just want to savor my few hours of freedom and I start doing something else or I go out. I could maybe ask my bf to help me clean one weekend, but then again... the number of hours we have together is actually not so large, etc. Plus I'm bad at chore distribution because I'm too used to doing everything myself. But I should perhaps not overthink this.

Another issue is MY BODY! I'm staying up late, my posture is abysmal while I work, I don't stretch and other than trying to take a walk every evening I don't move much either. I try to eat balanced and healthy but I feel I've been overdoing fast food; I used to have it like once a week and lately I've been having it more often than that. I also eat snacks and sweets, and I'm noticing some weight gain that's not significant but to me it's noticeable because I'm not used to it and it's kind of throwing me off. I'm trying not to make a thing out of it and slip back into my old habits. And smoking is another enemy I'm making, although I'm trying to be aware of that and not let it grow. I used to smoke 🍃 only on weekends and maybe days off last year, but I've started to do it on weekdays now and then, and I really don't like how it's making me feel. I've been cutting back on that. Other than that there's the occasional social cigarette which I guess existed in the past too, but now that I go out more and everyone I hang out with smokes, I've started to feel the need to do it just to have something to do with my hands, or if I have a drink. AND I've also been drinking which I never do. Nothing wild, like once a week 1-2 glasses of wine, or a beer, or 1-2 shots. I only have my coworkers to blame for this because they're really heavy on the pressure, and I used to be adamant about my boundaries, but recently I feel like I won't have fun if I don't drink. Which is completely asinine. I think I need to get back into having stronger boundaries and discipline.

Some more poison I torture my body with is constant screen time. If I'm not working in front of the laptop I'm on my phone, and if I'm not on my phone I'm on my personal laptop, like right now (it's so nice to type on lol). I miss those days where I'm so caught up in stuff that I forget or don't need to check my phone all day. I haven't had one of those in a long time, but I'm planning to. Being with my boyfriend helps too. I also want to get back into reading, I've even managed to arrange all of the books I have here on a shelf on my balcony. Very soon it's going to be a whole year since I started reading a book and never finished it lmao. That saddens me a lot, but I'm determined to finish it before its 1 year anniversary.

On the positive side, the weather is getting nicer and warmer everyday, days are getting longer and I wish I could be outside all day long! I try to avoid thinking about that because I get extremely hopeless at having zero time for myself because of my job. I seriously believe it's at the root of most of the issues I described here. But I live for the warm evenings, the weekends, and summer plans!

[xbadgerbearx]

i guess they are pretty funky

word count: 1.5k

Can’t Sleep: [2] … [4]

Your team prepared themselves as you started your journey to your new destination. You and Abner were talking about random things as you walked.

"You really like the dots?" Abner timidly asked.

"Are you kidding? Of course! You're so colorful," you said quietly with a smile.

Abner smiled to himself before motioning to your outfit. "I like your uniform too, it suits you. It makes your eyes stand out."

"Thank you! Ya know, I always thought you had a really nice nose- whoa, Abner, are you doing alright?" You cut yourself as you faced Abner for the first time during this walking session. He had those glowing dots on his face again.

"Oh! Those?" He was nervously covering his face. "Don't worry about-" splat. Abner tripped over a rogue tree root and fell face first into the mud. As you went to help pick him up, Flag turned around.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Everyone turned around to look at you two, well, minus Cleo, but she was sitting on a fallen tree almost asleep.

"We're tired, Colonel. We need a rest," she whined.

"Goddamn hobbyists," muttered Chris.

Soria turned to Flag, "We cannot stop. We need to hurry if you're going to help my people."

"Hey," DuBois intervened. "We're not here to help your people. But she's right, we gotta keep moving."

"I carry friend?"

"It's okay, Nanaue," Cleo said before turning to Abner. "It's happening to his face again."

"It's nothing, I tripped," he brushed off.

"Hey," Peacemaker said as he shoved Abner back. "Norman Bates, if that shit's contagious, we need to know."

"It's not," Abner tried moving forward before he was pushed again.

"What is it?"

"What's your deal, Chris? Stop pushing people around before I turn into something you're really not gonna like. And what's up with the obscure references?" You were getting fed up with Chris' bullshit.

"Oh yeah? And what's that?"

"I don't know, how about your dead father? The one that killed himself in front of you when you were a kid?"

"How do you-"

"You'd be surprised how much your mom loved recording all your childhood achievements. Your fifth birthday—ring a bell?" Peacemaker had an unreadable expression on his face as you got in his face and lowered your voice. "You wouldn't believe how much information you can get on your hands if you're able to disguise yourself as a high ranking employee in Belle Reve."

Before any of you could make the situation worse, Abner cleared the tension with a sigh.

"It's a... it's an interdimensional virus."

"Fuck is that?" Peacemaker asked after seemingly forgetting what just happened. You think he was trying to not think about it.

"My mother was a scientist at S.T.A.R Labs, and she was obsessed with turning me and my brother and sisters into superheroes."

"Oh, Abner," you softly said as you placed a hand on his arm. Peacemaker looked between the two of you with a hard expression.

"She infected me. Now, if I don't expel the dots twice a day..."

DuBois asked, "Then what?"

Abner made a face that was hard to read as he said, "They'll eat me alive." He then chuckled dryly as if he himself couldn't believe it.

"What happened to your brother and sisters?" Flag questioned.

"Some lived. Some... died."

Cleo, now standing, asked, "And your mom, where is she now?"

Abner looked to you before turning to his team.

"Almost everywhere."

Everyone just looked at Krill for a few moments.

"Okay," Flag turned around. "Let's move out."

"Come on, we must hurry, or we'll be late to meet my contact," Soria ushered.

Sooner or later, well, later, you made your way to this blockade where a driver in a large van was being investigated. During your trip Abner had to expel the dots, and although he was embarrassed about the situation, you and Cleo tried keeping his mind off it. The soldiers surrounded the van after a minute and started banging on the door. That was your cue.

Peacemaker started taking people out with a silenced pistol, Bloodsport shot with his arm crossbow, and King Shark ate a guy. The rest of the team moved from their hiding spots once the soldiers were dealt with. Success.

Bloodsport banged on the van's window before asking, "Are you Milton?"

The driver choked out a tearful "Si."

After Soria directed him to a nearby pull off spot, you started looking at the contents in the boxes that were pulled out.

"Milton will drive you through town and to La Gatita Amable. There are clothes in the boxes for all of you so you can blend in." Cleo started putting on a random pair of sunglasses as you pulled out a fedora. Soria continued, "That said, the walking tiburon is gonna have to stay out of sight."

"I wear disguise," Nanaue said.

"Ohhh," Cleo drawled. "You're going to wear a disguise?"

"Si."

"Hey, he's learnin' Spanish," Peacemaker said offhandedly.

"And what kind of disguise?"

"Fake mustache," he said smugly.

"Yeah," DuBois interrupted as he moved more boxes. "Fake mustache isn't gonna cut it, mate."

"Aww come on," you cooed. "What if he wears a hat?" The fedora you picked up earlier was now sitting on the King of the Ocean's head.

"You still look exactly like yourself."

"That's the worst fake mustache I've ever seen," Chris added.

"And if you had fooled us, we'd have to kill you, shark-shaped bloke with a mustache creepin' up on us like that."

"FUCK!" Nanaue yelled as he stomped off. You snickered before turning to Abner with some clothes in your hand.

"What do you think?"

"Hmm? Oh, those look nice, although I saw something in another box that I thought you might like. Let me go get it."

As he walked away towards another box, you dropped the clothes you were holding as your face softened. Someone saw something and thought of you? That hasn't happened for a very long time. You started sifting thoughtfully through a nearby box when he came back.

"Here," he showed you the clothes. "I hope you like it." It was sweet how anxious he was getting over this. He must not socialize often.

Taking the clothes from him, you observed the material. It was... actually really good. It was something you would've loved to wear if you weren't forced to wear that stupid prison outfit, and it looked like it'd fit.

"Abner, this is great! It's a lot better than what I was originally going with," you laughed. "Oh! Here, I saw these pants and thought it would match the shirt you picked up."

"Thank you," he said shyly.

"I'm gonna change over there. Stand watch, please?"

How could he say no to you? "Of course," he said while respectfully turning around. As he waited, Peacemaker appeared.

"(L/n) around?"

"Huh?" Abner said, startled from Chris's sudden presence. "Uh, yeah, they went over there to change into their disguise. I'm looking out for them."

"Oh, you're looking out for them? Well look out for this, Patrick Bateman," Peacemaker wasn't looking so peaceful as he leaned in towards Abner. Dropping his voice, he continued. "I don't know what you think is going on between you two, but leave it, you understand me? Why would The Mimic want to go for someone as lame as you? You throw polka dots at people?" Peacemaker scoffed before finishing, "Quit getting in my way, or else."

Stay away from you? There was no way he could do that. You were seemingly the only person who liked him, and now he would have to end that? Fuck that.

Abner, admittedly with a little less confidence than what he hoped for, challenged him. "Or else what?"

Gosh, three words and his heart was already pumping.

"Excuse me?" Chris raised a brow.

Luckily before anything could be done, you emerged oblivious from the jungle while dawning your new attire. Your uniform was neatly folded and tucked under your arm. Both men looked at you and... wow. Abner was speechless. Literally. For the second time within you knowing him, you made his breath hitch.

"You look stunning," Peacemaker quickly said before Abner had a chance. That wouldn't really matter since your response was quite the cockblocker.

"Thanks! Abner picked it out for me," you smiled. You even gave a twirl to show off the outfit to your teammates. Abner just looked at you with such affection in his eyes.

"Anyways, your turn," you ordered as you took Krill's watching place so he could change. Peacemaker tried making some move on you, but you were clueless. Instead, you went into Mission Mode��� and discussed some tactics and strategies you could implement. Sighing, Chris humored you and joined your planning. Not too long later, Abner walked out with his disguise on.

"I'm not sure about this," he said while standing awkwardly.

"You look like an idio-"

"You look great!" you voiced over Peacemaker. "I love those pants on you."

"Really?"

"Yeah," you laughed. "They're funky."

"I-" Krill let out a laugh of his own. "Yeah, I guess they are pretty funky."

"Alright, well, we've gotta get back to the van," you announced while walking away. Abner blindly followed you with a dumb little smile on his face while leaving Chris just standing there in disbelief.

[brianvan]

The year-end personal recap concept is OPPRESSIVE to me. I think it's healthy to occasionally check-in with yourself every once in a while but... why do I have to participate in a public ceremony? Why NOW, the one week of the year I'm the most sleepy and listless from all the parties and the holiday food and the laying-around? When nothing is going on NOW to brag about, and it's the longest distance in time from lots of things I do productively? And why do most people have lots of big changes to brag about and I'm usually fishing for stuff to brag about out of my totally-fine life because none of it is status-seeking or photogenic? Just for theoretical purposes, does the angst get any easier if you have a year that makes for an easy and beautiful year end post? Probably not.

Anyway.

2022 didn't feel special while I was living it - it felt like a year where nothing major happened, where there was just a lot of work/planning to do and it was not worth bragging about.

But, uh, holy shit:

Celebrated 10 years of marriage!

I basically started a new career (but, caveat, the position started in November 2021 - yet by New Year's, after something like 5 total weeks of real work, I had no real idea if it would take root. But root it did)

Relating to the second-longest thing going in my life (other than the marriage), my service on the Community Board, a pretty seismic change - I resigned my position as Treasurer (a real piece-of-cake assignment that lets me nose in on the whole board's business) so that I could take the role of Transportation Committee chair, which is a huge upgrade in visibility, control and direct involvement in the issues I've been taking up for years.

Moved into a much nicer apartment, one that isn't a nexus of maintenance crises. More room! All new furniture! A much nicer shower/bathtub!

We have a financial advisor now!

Not only did I have a good biking year...

...and a pretty damn good camping year...

But I bike-camped across THE WHOLE STATE OF IOWA, 462 miles in seven days. First time traveling with the bike!

I went to 10-12 concerts, which is about 9-10 more than I go to in any given year, and they all were at least pretty good!

I went to something like 12 baseball games because I dove in with a CitiField ticket package, and I think it worked out pretty good! (Plus a Yankees game and a Rangers game)

A scenic trip to the Finger Lakes!

Got to do Delaware River rafting again!

I finally read THE POWER BROKER!

I managed to get a short trip to San Francisco, my second time!

Legal weed!

New Peloton bike at home! I'm actually using it!

... and couple other things I'm not going to divulge or air out here!

Anyway, I was very surprised to take a glance at some records and see all of these very big (often long-delayed) things happened all in a short time. Yes, there were *absolutely bad* things that happened too, but the trend seems to be "change and growth" in big ways at once, rather than just ordinary things passing in time and space.

But, the year felt like A LOT. Another theme through most of the year was "don't overcommit yourself!" and that's easier-said-than-done sometimes (especially in a year where seasonal/annual things that were paused for 1-2 years came roaring back all at once). And also "stop wasting time on various maladaptive habits!" (which is less "using social media" and more "reflexively checking social media as much as one blinks") So, from an attention/stimulation standpoint I've really been flying by the seat of my pants and I'm certainly not going to try to ever plan to one-up a year like this one. I am hoping for a relatively calm 2023, already committing to several attention cutbacks.

Every once in a while I get posed the question "where do you see yourself in 5 years" and at one point I thought I could get insight on that by looking at the past 10 years. And from that I saw that the answer was "there is absolutely no telling where you will be in 5 years or what you want to see happen, all you know is that you'll have significantly pulled yourself forward and you won't be where you are now." Because in any 5 year timeframe, that has been the story of the last 20+ years. Recently, I've learned and experienced so much, and have grown so much. And there is so much more opportunity for learning and growth. Life is an experience of taking those opportunities continually. And it's great.

Ironically, the idea of personal growth/progress is a concern where I'm deeply anxious, and fearful of failure. I am going to spend some time unpacking that in 2023. (That's been part of the growth, BTW: insight into bad thinking!) What ties all of this together is that it's a fairly good idea to gut-check that anxiety by looking at an actual recap of events and achievements. Enough happened this year that I should forgive myself if I want to chill out for the next 2 years! If I just did many of the events from this past year all over again in this coming year (like a routine), it'll be fantastic! If there's anything I'm unhappy with now, or anything I'm worried where I don't control whether it goes good or bad... there's literally nothing to worry about because even among setbacks I come out very strongly ahead overall, even in a bad year! (Other than "you shouldn't worry" as a separate but still meaningful lesson)

It is very difficult to remember all of this so I figure it's good for me to jot this down in private. As it turns out, I've got many years of recaps in Tumblr already that are public, so here's another one for the pile. I'm keeping the streak going. Now I don't need to worry about being the guy without a rosy year-end recap.