#i'm overthinking all the things i want to say

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

reading update: february 2025

I can't believe that with all the bullshit nonsense of this year I've managed to read ten book a month for two months in a row. it's not on purpose but it's crazy that it's happened twice!

what have I been reading?

The Art of Frugal Hedonism: A Guide to Spending Less While Enjoying Everything More (Annie Raser-Rowland w/ Adam Grubb, 2017; audiobook read by Alice Ansara, 2024) - this was my first audiobook, and it was a doozy. the short version is that this book sucked and made me so, so mad. I really hoped to have my scathing haterade-fueled review up on patreon by now so that I could link it, but that hasn't panned out because I just have too much to say about these out of touch cunts offering the world's least qualified financial advice. "just take a leisurely twelve hour hike to a train station instead of going on vacation" kill yourself!!!

The Age of Magical Overthinking: Notes on Modern Irrationality (Amanda Montell, 2024) - I quite liked Montell's previous book, Cultish, but unfortunately I fear Magical Overthinking was a bit of a flop for me. I can't help but feel that the ideal target demographic is extremely anxious women in their teens and early 20s who need a compassionate explanation of why they should spend less time on Twitter and TikTok, and I'm afraid that shrimply isn't me.

The Serviceberry: Abundance and Reciprocity in the Natural World (Robin Wall Kimmerer, 2024; audiobook read by the author) - this was, unintentionally, a lovely little counterpoint to Frugal Hedonism. where Raser-Rowland and Grubb focus deeply on individual consumption habits and have a bad penchant of commodifying human interaction, Potawatomi botanist Kimmerer emphasizes the need for structural environmental change that can come by embracing Indigenous models of viewing the earth and its resources as members of crucial members of the family deserving of respect. a thoughtful and lovely balm to the bullshit!

My Year of Rest and Relaxation (Ottessa Moshfegh, 2018) - a book about the original queen of giving us nothing, as our protagonist goes to increasingly drastic lengths to spend as much time as possible asleep and disengaged from anything more complicated than acquiring more prescription pills. what can I say? I love books about miserable rich white women rotting in their own self-absorption.

Don't Want You Like a Best Friend (Emma R. Alban, 2024) - this was my patreonites' pick for my romance novel of the month, and I'll admit I went in nervous - historical romance novels are often not my thing, and the Taylor Swift lyric for the title was a red flag. but you know what? this was a romp. I was entertained. dare I say I was even charmed. sure, it falls into the common historical queer romance pitfall of emphasizing the vague threat of period-typical homophobia while assuring us that every important character just so happens to be startlingly cool with homosexuality, but whatever - I didn't come here to see these girls get hatecrimed by their own parents, alright? I wasn't planning to read the sequel, but it turns out it's a VERY direct follow up where the girls from this book hatch an INSANE plan to (SPOILER ALERT) get their male cousins to fall in gay love so that they can lavender marry each other's cousins and live happily ever after. INSANE! I love it here.

Dawn (Octavia E. Butler, 1987) - on the one hand, I'm a little heartbroken. this marks the beginning of the last of Butler's series that I haven't read; after Adulthood Rites and Imago, I'll have read everything she published in her too-short life, with no new works to look forward to ever again. but on the other hand: MAN, am I glad I saved this one for last. this book has it all: humanity's near-extinction. aliens. psychic tentacle threesomes. maybe the biggest L that any of Butler's heroines ever took. it's wild out here! cannot wait to see where we're going with this.

Iron Widow (Xiran Jay Zhao, 2021) - this was a reread to prep for the sequel, Heavenly Tyrant, which came out in December, and MAN am I glad I decided to check back in with the first book. I really thought I remembered the broad strokes of the plot well enough, but I really did not remember just how blood-spittingly bugfuck viscous Zetian and her two boyfriends are. of the three people in this throuple, the nicest one is the guy who murdered his brothers and dad in cold blood. and I think that's awesome! cannot wait to see what these absolute freaks are up to now, and my hold cannot come into the library quickly enough.

Pardon My Frenchie (Farrah Rochon, 2024) - okay. listen. on paper I shouldn't like this book. the male love interest is boring at best and a full-blown shithead at worst. the biggest driver of the plot is the love interests' dogs going crazy levels of viral. the sex is minimal and nothing to write home about. and yet. AND YET. our female lead, Ashanti, is simply so charming and earnest and plucky that I adored her immediately. girl lost both her parents on the same day, had to drop out of veterinary school to raise her twin younger sisters, and is struggling to run the world's most plush doggy day care AND run a successful side business selling homemade dog biscuits. truly I just want anything to go right for her, ever. she's never even been eaten out prior to this book, and that makes me so, SO sad for her. I may not like her boyfriend, but at least he'll get her off, and that counts for something. overall, it's Ashanti's storyline about learning how to prioritize what's important to her and let some obligations go instead of clinging madly to everything that really got me through and won me over. plus, this book bypassed by usual kneejerk dislike of obnoxiously cutesy plot device pets in romance novels by making the dogs actually completely integral to the story and the characters - Ashanti is hugely defined by her adoration of every dog she meets - in a way that I really enjoy. will I read the upcoming sequel, Pugs and Kisses? fuck it. maybe.

White Feminism: From the Suffragettes to Influencers and Who They Leave Behind (Koa Beck, 2019) - Beck's book falls in a really sweet spot of building very well on a lot of feminism 101 to actually meaningfully discuss new concepts without being redundant. okay, yes, you've heard "white feminism" is bad, but do you know why? Beck has some of the most well laid-out explanations I've ever encountered, thoroughly detailing the ways in which white feminism reject collectivist anti-capitalist action in favor of individual advancement within the status quo. plus there is, as promised, a great historical throughline, contrasting the actions of historical middle and upper class white feminists against those of actions largely headed up by women who are Black, brown, Jewish, and/or immigrants who served entire communities. the takedown of "lean in" office girlboss culture is particularly killer.

Acts of Service (Lillian Fishman, 2022) - a short novel, ideal for reading in a couple hours if you love mess and happen to be trapped in various airports and flights with not much else to do! I was expecting another entry in the obnoxiously disaffected young woman genre and was pleasantly surprised by how curious and engaged our protagonist, Eve, actually is! much like Edie of Luster, I think she's gonna be alright once this deranged throuple situation blows over. ultimately I don't know if the conclusion of the novel hit for me as well as Luster did, and when I got to the end of the book I did kind of find myself going damn... and what was the point of all that? I have no idea, but it was well-crafted and I'm glad that I didn't read this like six months ago because it probably would have killed me with toxic horny poisoning at that point in my life. I'm normal now.

[meguwumibear]

The first time Zayne asks you to his house, you bring him a sprig of jasmine. You pass by the flower shop on your way to his apartment on a whim and are inexplicably drawn to the thin, white petals. The shop owner tells you the plant signifies new beginnings which seemed fitting at the time.

The look on Zayne's face when he sees the jasimine is one of pain. The light in his hazel eyes dulls, and the skin between his brows wrinkles. You resist the urge to smooth the folds away with your thumb.

"Sorry," you say, unsure what to make of his expression. You scramble around the kitchen looking for a trash can. He's rich, so it takes you some time to find it. You open cabinet after cabinet in search of the thing. "Didn't want to show up empty handed."

After some awkward fumbling, you manage to locate the can. It’s hidden to the left of the sink behind the recycling bin. The trash is empty save for the bag which smells lightly of lemons.

"Wait," Zayne replies with some urgency, his usually calm voice the most panicked you've ever heard it. His hand presses your fingers securely around the stems before you can dump the arrangement into the trash. "You just surprised me is all."

You let him slowly guide the flowers away from the maw of the garbage, lips still weighed down by an unknown force.

"Don't overthink it," you tell him, unable to guess at the cause of his sadness. Seems you may have crossed some sort of unspoken boundary in your efforts to appear polite.

"They're lovely," he concedes, forcing a smile onto his face, "but they'll die in a few days."

Is that what's got him so upset?

"Hang them upside down before they begin to whither,” you offer. “They'll hold their shape, and after a few weeks you can stick them in a vase and keep them forever."

His brows knit together contemplatively.

"They'll still be dead," he tells you, wearily eyeing the plant.

You shake your head at him, "No, their form will just have changed."

"I'm not very good at tending to plants," he insists.

You shrug at him, busying yourself with finding a vessel for the jasmine.

"Lucky you have me then. I can help you string them up when you're ready to."

He lets you fill a glass with water and plop the jasmine into its new home.

Zayne doesn't say anything for a while. He just stands there, statue still, like he’s an android with stalled programming. His eyes remain fixed on the white petals of the plant, almost accusingly. It feels inappropriate to move for some reason, so you fuss with the placement of the stems, waiting for him to take the reins.

"I was thinking," he eventually starts, gaze still stuck on the jasmine, "that I'd like to dom for you exclusively. As previously stated, I believe we are compatible and that I can provide you with the subbing experience you need."

"Oh," you reply, cheeks heating. You chance a sideways glance at him, but his sights haven’t changed. "Yeah, I'd like that. I haven't seen anyone else since we started our sessions anyway."

"It's settled then," he agrees, eyes finally flicking to you. “Moving forward you’ll come to me when you need something.”

“And you’ll come to me when you do,” you add.

He looks at you funny, but doesn’t argue.

“How do you feel about shower sex?” he asks suddenly, as his mind visibly reconnects with his body. He turns toward you, awaiting your reply.

You flash him a cheeky grin, “Lead the way.”

[rafesbabygirlx]

Hi angels (this is gonna be long)

I ramble because when I feel big feels I don't think straight, but please read 🤍

I'm posting this now because I just need to get it out. This has been weighing heavily on me. But I doubt anyone will read it hahah

This is really hard for me to say, but after a lot of thought, I’ve decided to wrap up some things I have left, complete some more requests and step back from writing anything new—at least for now.

I’ve been contemplating this for a while, trying to push past the feeling, but I’ve reached a point where I can’t ignore it anymore. Writing has been such a joy for me, and I’ve loved being part of this little community. You all welcomed me with open arms, and I can’t express how much that means to me.

Honestly, I don’t think I’m in the right mental space for it right now. As much as I love creating, I’ve found myself constantly doubting my work, comparing my writing to others and thinking that I can do so much better, and overthinking every detail. It’s a cycle I’ve fallen into on my own, and it’s taken a toll. On top of that, I feel like my blog has lost some of its spark, and my writing isn’t going anywhere and not growing. I’ve also gotten some nasty anons the past few weeks that I ignore but they still haven’t helped with my thoughts. 🫠

With my final semester of college also weighing on me, everything feels like it’s piling up. So, I think I just need a short break. Ew I feel like I sound so insecure. I think I’m just too hard on myself, especially when I get overwhelmed and burnt out.

I feel really guilty stepping away after working so hard to build this space and gaining so much support. The last thing I want is to let anyone down. But right now, this is what I need.

Please stick with me and don't forget me.

That said, I truly love being here, and I don’t think I can stay away for too long. Honestly, I might still post every now and then if I feel inspired. I also won’t be going completely dark - I want to stay engaged and continue supporting the amazing people I’ve met here. I’d love for my moots to keep me updated on their posts, and I’ll still be around to chat.

Sorry if none of this makes sense. I really hate that I've gotten to this point. I still have some things I want to complete and then I plan to take some time off from writing. But I will be around. We can still interact. I don't want to completely lose what I have here. 🤍

I want to go through some more requests and I have a couple of parts left of The Pen Pal. I like to finish what I’ve started and I’m committed to that. I'm posting this and I have a couple of drafts ready to post tonight and then going to take a break for a day or 2 after posting this (because I feel awful and I want to avoid it)

I’m hoping that this will bring me some relaxation but I’m also hoping it will bring me some inspiration too. I have a series I’d love to restart and a lovely anon gave me a great idea for a JJ AU I’d love to do at some point. I hope those ideas would excite you just as much too.

I think right now it will just be a couple of weeks off just from writing. To refresh, heal my mind, and finally breathe. I’ve already expressed it slightly in some posts but I’ve been really thinking about it.

I already can’t wait to be back because this community has been so good to me. I appreciate every single one of you. What’s that corny saying? It’s not goodbye it’s see you later? I love you guys, and I’ll make another post when I officially take my break.

I HOPE THIS MAKES SENSE. IT ALL DOES IN MY HEAD. JUST A LITTLE BAD AT EXPRESSING MYSELF.

I wanna thank everyone who has supported my writings and I LOVE every single one of you.

I also wanna thank some of my moots! You all have helped me incredibly since I've joined. You're all so kind hearted and probably the best group of people I've ever connected with on the internet. I’m still here so please don’t stop tagging me or reaching out, I’ll still support all of you when I’m on a break. Forgive me if I'm forgetting anyone- not really thinking right now. But this goes for all my moots. 🤍

@rafesheaven @cameronsprincess @inthelibrarybtw @littlelamy @leather-n-velvet @writingroom21 @ivysprophecy @maybejj @rafescokewhore @nemesyaaa @rafescvntyclubgf @angelicameron @tanjamikaelson @starkeynation @quinnsbabygirl @frankoceanluvr11 @httpsdrewstarkey @v3n1ce-bxtch @zyafics @whytheylosttheirminds @rafesbuzzcutseason @maybankslover

[fernweald]

tried falling asleep way early (like 7 pm) and now i'm awake at 2 am, nauseous, splitting headache, dreading this meeting at work happening in like 6 more hours.

[cerbreus]

surgery leave finally okayed!!!!

[angeart]

5. What are your fanfic pet peeves? Do they have a huge effect on whether or not you decide to read something? :)c

i think one big thing that can certainly put me off the fic is formatting? endless paragraphs are one thing but...

ok, look, it can be an amazing story, but if i keep getting confused about who's talking, or especially if there are two different people talking in the same paragraph (something that bothers me endlessly), i might just give up and drop it.

if we're talking content wise, i think especially in romance (but this can apply to friendships too)— if i don't feel like the characters love or care about each other unless they spell it out? that's. not good. you know, when they say "i love you" and you're just there blinking at the screen like, DO YOU????? that.

i think these two points in general do sway me a lot.

--- question from this ask game

[heartbeetz]

I need to ummm. Cuddle with him and run my fingers through his chest hair and also grab at him a lottttt. Guy who is squeezable and furry and warm and sexy and also I want him.

[corishadowfang]

Me, adjusting the Fallen Stars playlist for the millionth time: I'm very normal about making playlists.

[karygurl]

Yeeeessssss!!! Two Final Fantasy XIV flex mounts in December!! Plus the Blackjack airship too, but that's less flexing and more just having been around for enough Make It Rain events to have a little MGP stockpile.

Mount 1: Morbol mount, from doing six savage level raids with a full blue mage party, synced, no Echo buff.

Mount 2: Baby Ozma mount, from completing the Eureka zones/grinds and their associated 48-56 person raid Baldesion Arsenal. No rezzing allowed in there, and I didn't die once the entire run while healing :D

[toastling]

Sleepless in New York at 6am, the neighborhood breakfast attempts to express a coherent thought about an incoherent nag of his past ten years

[drawnecromancy]

Sometimes I worry that I might actually be faking the whole not a lot of gender except a sprinkle of guy on top thing, and then i am aggressively gendered as a cis woman in day-to-day life and remember why i don't go out much.

[good--merits-accumulated]

can't stop thinking about like: nation building as a motif in the Western. how would that work in a DPS Western AU. does it not perhaps already bear this aspect of the Western because what is DPS about if not a group of white boys trying to build their own nation of freedom and self-expression on the land that belongs to somebody else

[leatherbookmark]

dear god that would be turbo cringe or whatever, but seeing all those annoying little things in fics over and over again really makes me want to write one in which they're not obligatory funnymoments but rather like, words that have meaning and weight and so on

[idiosyncraticrednebula]

Do you guys ever feel slightly unwell and you overthink about it to such an extremely unhealthy point that the thing you were feeling got 1000x worse and won't leave you the fuck alone precisely because you kept overthinking about it, jumping to the absolutely worst conclusions and now you feel like absolute and utter shit?

[moe-broey]

Don't Forget that the Asker sibs' Mom might actually have Powerful Blood within her and got married to help her 'Calm Down Time™' But it's uuuuuh, probably not working. (And also the devs are HUGE cowards for not letting her go berserk)

LITERALLY ACTUALLY HOW COULD I FORGET TO ADD THAT. IN MY ASKR FUCKED UP FAMILY POST. They are the LEAST NORMAL "Normal" family and it drives me INSANE LMFAO

And like another tag tangent I'm actually gonna put on blast inspired by this.

What are the implications of this!!!!!! For Alfonse and Sharena!!!!!!!!!!!!! LIKE. The implications could be VASTLY different for BOTH of them. Because. Sharena. Sharena might not even be. The Sharena that was born into the family with their blood. Does This Have Implications For Peony As Well Actually????????? And honestly I don't know what the implications would be for Alfonse (and Lif by extension????) since we don't even really know what this powerful blood of Henriette's IS. Like knowing Fire Emblem it's a coinflip maybe she's a dragon maybe not. But hey. Hey. What does that mean. For Her Children.

[kingspuppet]

I can't believe it took me literal hours to write a single reply. I'm just gonna roll around on the floor now to become one with my carpet. Don't mind me.