#i'm not lying when i say i use myself as the observation subject most of the time

[taurianskies7]

Superimposing the Navamsa (D9) chart

I was practising with my own chart, wanting to see how the energies work and all, since my Libra rising is same in both I don’t particularly need to worry about that, some placements that have stood out while doing this is: Sun in Taurus (D1) becomes Sun in Capricorn (D9), the obvious themes of 8th house gets funnelled down into a focus towards the 4th house (which makes sense because goddamn I want a decent home-life after I’m older) and it can be seen like that too but just seeing the placements also helps. Capricorn is 9th from Taurus, not counting the zodiac placement for a moment, Sun is doing decently well here (it likes the 9th house) but the Saturnian influence can be oppressive, delayed, almost suffocating. It does make sense, Sun in D1 isn’t doing that great in my chart and often times, in order to escape from my father’s oppression & distressing control over me I often look at my Higher Studies & Foreign Lands, both of which I KNOW I must pursue to shake off the shadows of my father’s control over my life, it’s kinda the only way I can get away. My approach towards Higher Studies is also very traditional, in a sense that I’m planning to go the whole way and get a few Masters, even a PHD if I’m able to. Don’t get me wrong, studying drains me and it feels like I have to be fully disciplined in order to succeed but I always feel the subtle responsibility to pursue this path. I MUST, if I don’t succeed in my studies, then what’s the worth of me? (The themes of self-worth = continuous need for material success/recognition that comes with Capricorn Sun) Jupiter in Taurus (D1) becomes Jupiter in Cancer (D9), the obvious themes of Jupiter in the 8th house of learning and developing more insight of deeper, dark themes, even occult gets translated later in the 10th house, as maybe, some sort of teacher/guru figure in the public eye concerning these issues. This is probably one of the placements that give me some hope in life, lol. More specifically though, Cancer is 3rd from Taurus. It all ties up. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, majorly interested in writing, and still I’ve always felt like I wanted to dig into my emotions, the stuff that I encountered while living with my family and in my homeland, I’ve always felt like I’ve wanted to be a new pioneer writer from Nepal, let’s say. The thing is, in my current life just figuring out my D1, I’ve always felt like my writing career was going to be reserved for later in life, after I’ve accumulated enough skill and knowledge (might explain why I’m not fully ready or skilled enough to tackle subjects I want to), I want to help people with my words, my communication, I don’t know how I’m going to but that is definitely on my bucket-list/life goals to achieve if I survive long enough. Saturn in Taurus (D1) becomes Saturn in Pisces (D9), asides from the obvious Saturn being in the 8th house & 6th house making it beneficial in a way that it suppresses a lot of the malefic parts of each house, both effects I’ve seen through observation of my life (You might argue that Saturn’s effect isn’t fully there, especially not of the D9, don’t @me I’ve been going through both a Saturn Mahadasha and Sade Sati for a w h i l e). Pisces is 11th from Taurus. The lack that comes from Taurus Saturn especially with stability, basic needs and the sense of home is very prominent witth Saturn’s touch, the only way I’ve ever been able to restore any sense of that is through the larger networks of the 11th house, friends, strangers, the internet and in general too, those have played a role in shaping my larger identity with groups. One of the key reasons why I relate and feel a sense of belonging from foreign lands and people (especially overseas as Pisces is the original 12th house, it talks about universally feeling almost) largely gets explained by these placements. The darker side of this was also present, because of the lack of beauty, money and self of inner worth (Taurus themes) my larger friend group had completely dissolved, abandoned and I was largely isolated from connecting with friends in school & society (Pisces themes), the only way I managed to get out to that was through fictional escapism, creative pursuits & greater understanding of empathy and emotions (Pisces themes again) that eventually led (is leading at least) to a sense of stability in personal worth. I was also going through a whole “ugly duckling” phase that largely and negatively restricted my feelings of self-worth.  So yeah, this has been the post with my three placements. I wasn’t kidding when I said I had a Taurus stellium. Keep in mind, though, I haven’t really included the conjunctions and aspects that would come with bringing planets from the Navamsa and comparing it with the Natal chart. You can learn more from here.

[beauty-and-passion]

Hey! I want to ask you to make a theory on Janus! (if you can and if you want!) Because although I'm more than convinced, doubts are a pain. And it's really bothering me!

In Moving On 1/2, was Roman really Roman? Or was it Janus all along? I had felt icky when watching the videos the first time. Roman was just Off! He was acting weird and sounded strange! And his posture was a little too distinct I think. Either way I brushed it off as me being parano-vigilant (overthinking/overanalyzing) and continued with the videos. Until I saw this video: https://youtu.be/fUOXX266pVQ (Sander Sides theory: Is Janus disguised as Roman?)

A few things I, myself, noticed were that "Roman" was facing Thomas with the right side of face a lot. He was turned just a smidge and mostly kept the right side of his face towards Thomas. Also he used his Left Hand! A lot! While we've seen the real Roman use his right (in the very next episode). In addition there were a lot of Yellow and Black themes with anything he picked up! Also, I feel like after what happened, Roman would be in his room sulking or hurt. We know he gets bruised (In Negative Thinking) due to a blow to the ego. And that was only because of a little mishap on the stage! An infinitesimal mistake! But this was far more serious! Roman is romance! Imagine how much he could've been suffering after such events! Giving Janus the perfect opportunity to strike! To steer Thomas on the path he deems is crucial to Thomas' bigger future. To his wants. It just seems right that it was him!

Also Roman saying "dude" to Virgil!? He's supposed to be creativity! He has the best names for anyone and everyone!

And at 3:12 in the second part when Thomas mentions that "lying is a side of himself he prefers not to feed into"...... the picture behind him is him with yellow gloves!

And (if it's him, J starts acting more like himself! The facial expressions, posture, monologue, everything!)

That's all I'm saying- I'm really conflicted because there doesn't seem to be enough proof for whether it's Ro or Jan!!

Okay, I saw that video and, well, I don’t think Janus was impersonating Roman during those two episodes. The points made in the video, despite being interesting, were also a bit flawed.

For example: Roman criticizing Thomas when he started to dance and asking him to stop. The authors of the video said it was weird, because Roman “would never do that and, on the contrary, he would encourage Thomas to keep going, because he’s Creativity.”

But, seriously, has Roman ever done that? Has Roman ever accepted ALL kind of creativity? If that was the case, then why Roman would hate his brother’s creative suggestions this much? They’re still creativity, after all. He should accept them as well. He’s Creativity, after all.

This connects to another point, further in the video, in which the authors said it was weird Roman wasn’t able to play the flute. They said (and I quote): “As Creativity, he should have the abilty to play instruments”.

Can you see where the mistake is? The authors forgot something extremely important Thomas clarified long time ago, in the Q&A:

[Anxiety]: No, I'm not the same for everybody. I'm Thomas' anxiety. Everyone's works differently.

Thomas’ Sides are HIS Sides. They don’t encompass the universal concepts of Creativity, Morality or Anxiety. So, since Roman isn’t the representation of the general, human concept of Creativity, it makes sense he’s not able in all forms of the creative spectrum. Because Thomas isn’t, so he’s not as well.

Therefore, Roman isn’t able to accept and welcome all kinds of creativity, because he’s Thomas’ Creativity. Thomas isn’t a good dancer, so Roman would prefer him to not dwell into that. Thomas isn’t a good musician, so Roman isn’t as well. But Thomas is good at acting - and we saw Roman dragging him on stage and perform sketches. Thomas is good at singing and we saw Roman writing songs and doing musicals. And Thomas is good at writing - and we saw Roman suggesting fanfictions about Frozen.

If we think about it, the same happens to everyone in real life. If you’re good at dancing and terrible at playing, it’s very unlikely your creativity will push you to play the guitar, rather than learn some good moves. No one is expert of everything, so no one’s Creativity is as well :)

While other points in the video, are taken a bit too subjectively. The authors lacked objectivity and interpreted some details as proofs, while most of them were just jokes or due to the situation. Of course Roman didn’t want to leave, because Patton’s room was a sanctuary in which he could reminisce about all past things he likes. Of course Roman pushed for Thomas to call back his ex - because he needs love, as he said in FWSA:

[Roman]: I so... SO badly want this. I- I'm desperate for it... ...but you can't have true love... ...if the relationship isn't built on truth.

And let’s not forget that Patton’s room played a role as well. Roman was too immersed into reminiscing the past, that he descended into a too familiar train of thoughts: oh look at how beautiful everything was in the past and your relationship was so beautiful as well. Hey, why don’t we call back your ex? Isn’t that a train of thoughts a lot of people experience, while dealing with a break up?

And of course Roman was acting strange: because Patton’s room influenced him. Just like it influenced Virgil, by increasing his anxiety and how it forced Logan to leave. After all, we saw that Virgil’s room affects everyone, so why Patton’s room shouldn’t have done it as well?

Speaking of your points. They’re all interesting and they proved you’re a good observer - it takes a lot of attention to find all these details, so hats off to you! But they’re also too small or inconsistent, to be considered proofs.

For example, using the left hand has never been associated with Janus - all Sides shifts from left to right hand all the time and Roman in particular is ambidextrous (he wrote with his left during the Christmas episode and wields the sword with his right during the Valentine one).

And Roman not having a best name for Virgil isn’t exactly a novelty. One example in Am I Original:

[Princey]: Quiet, you... Jerky-McJerk Face. Argh, I'm too busy brainstorming to think of a harmful nickname.

Also, when Thomas said that "lying is a side of himself he prefers not to feed into”, I checked the scene just to see these gloves you talked about...

And I know it’s a bit small, but check the video: those are not gloves. Those are the sleeves of a shirt :P And they’re orange, not yellow, so why should they refer to Janus? XD

In conclusion: I know we all love overanalyzing stuff, I love it too, but sometimes we should listen to Thomas’ advice and not see too much into things XD

It’s true that some details are specifically put in the episodes for us to notice (like the orange 07734 message in POF. That was definitely added for the fandom to see it and freak out - as we did). But others are just details, jokes, parts of a funny gag. Being parano-vigliant is funny and good, especially with this series because of the huge amount of easter eggs and connections... but sometimes all we can do is just enjoy a funny gag :D

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

Hey, would you mind typing me? I'm really sorry if this sounds awkward or overly formal. It's kind of just how I write because I have a rough time finding the right way to phrase things so I usually end up being too casual, too formal, or a weird mix of both. I structured this ahead of time but it ended up being scattered anyway and it's kind of long. 1. I have difficulty keeping one interest for a long time. I've been interested in MBTI for long enough that it'll stick, but I haven't (1/8)

really typed myself. The only two things I have some certainty over is that I don't have high fe(Put shortly, I have little ability to understand social customs or what is expected of me and get frustrated because of this. I care about how others are affected by my actions, but even when I'm trying to be conscious of it, I can't even reasonably guess at how they are unless it's obvious. I tend to not be very helpful when comforting people because I'm not sure how they want to be comforted) (2/8)

and my perceiving axis is probably Si/Ne but I'm not sure of the order. Either of these conclusions could be wrong. 2. For the following, I believe this is the case for most people, but thought process may be different. During a conflict, I get frustrated when the line of communication isn't open. This includes when I am not strongly involved and otherwise. To give a few examples, a. One of my friends(f1) complained for about a week about being upset with another friend(f2). When f2 told (3/8)

some of my friends and I that he was upset over f1 being mad at him, I told him why f1 was mad. While usually I hate meddling in other people's business or sharing things I'm not sure someone wants to be shared, it didn't make sense to me that f1 hadn't told f2 why he was mad. It didn't allow for any resolution, only for more confusion and pointless conflict. b. For an argument where I was more involved - my sister and I are very close. At one point we had a fight, she told me she'd been (4/8)

upset with me for a long while. I was distraught by this because at the time I couldn't remember what I'd done for her to be this mad and because if she'd been mad for that long, it didn't make sense to me that she wouldn't express it. Now I look back and realize that I'd been sort of lashing out at times for seemingly no reason(I was overwhelmed because I had been constantly doing things for days with no time to process in between. This is not to say I'm an introvert in mbti, there are (5/8)

other things that could point to the reverse that I touch upon later) 3. This is not to say I hate conflict in general, because I really don't. Usually, but not always, I'm pretty honest in expressing my thoughts on a subject whether or not others that are present think differently. I'll try not to be rude about it, but I have a rough time outright lying to people. I'm also a bad liar so there's that. 4. I'm a pretty vocal person, sometimes annoyingly so. Some comments people have had on (6/8)the way I talk is that I'll say a lot in a burst, then suddenly pull back. This isn't inaccurate, but I also just sometimes talk a lot in a flow and not stop until the other person looks like they want to say something. 5. I'm sort of detail-oriented. I like refining a project and trying to get everything done correctly, but I recognize time constraints and that there is a point at which it's impossible. I can recognize that some of my work is just busy work, but I don't mind doing it (7/8)

bc grades. 6. Enneagram is really hard for me to pin down. My fear is of literal nothingness or of not having control over myself and, by extension, what's going on around me. To deal with this, I avoid thinking about it by distracting myself. To me, this sounds like 7 or 8, but my behavior doesn't fit either type. I'm not super impulsive and not directly confrontational and in charge. Sorry if this isn't enough to type, also, forgot to push anon once. Thank you in advance. (8/8)

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This is interesting because usually my first thought when people apologize multiple times throughout the post my first thought is high Fe, and my second thought is dom Fi. The part about the friends sounds more like a thinker in that you’re going to the logical solution without entirely considering the interpersonal politics and motivations that may have led to this.

Beyond that however this comes off as just very...indecisive? There’s a lot of hedging and talking about what you aren’t but not much about what you are, and the examples outside of the ones about your friends and sister are fairly minimal. You mention Si-Ne but I can’t really get a sense of any specific perceiving functions for this. I also suspect you’re introverted in part because of that indecision; even though Ne-doms can be indecisive, you really do not sound like an Ne-dom to me.

The part about enneagram does not sound like 7 or 8 to me; distracting one’s self is extremely normal stress behavior for all people. I would dig into it but my guess is 6 and it’s less a fear of lack of personal control over the situation and more a fear of the situation spiralling out of control and you being unable to do anything in response. This does indicate I probably need to do another enneagram review because based on my questions this week there are some really weird ideas still going around.

Anyway, for MBTI I find myself also kind of working from a position of what you’re not. You don’t strike me as intuitive from what you’ve said here, nor high Te. My guesses would be either ISFJ or ISFP actually, for different reasons; I would also not rule out ISTP. The FAQ has some Si vs. Se stuff, or if you can provide more information that you think would be relevant to Si/Se I can try to narrow things down.

One thing I think worth noting is that a good deal of what I’d consider good reading of people/situations is the ability to know that you need to use your words. Reading, after all, involves several parts: understanding what’s going on, and understanding what to do in response. For example, most people over the age of 5 can recognize basic emotions, like sadness, in others. People who are very observant can often pick up on more subtle tells of more complicated or deliberately hidden emotions. However, it’s much harder to know what to do. Some sad people want a hug. Some sad people want to be left alone. And if you give a hug to someone who wants to be left alone or vice versa, you read the emotion right but you misread the appropriate response, and it takes a decent amount of self-awareness to recognize “oh hey this person is sad and I don’t know what to do” vs assuming you do know what to do.

[fal-carrington]

If I’m not the one, who is going to make you happy? Pt.2

Pairing: Kamilah x Mc x Priya

Disclaimer: The characters belongs to PB

Pt.1

Prompt: “I could not understand the reason for the sudden interest in me. Priya was from afar the most hedonistic person I had ever met. She awaken a wild side in me, a side that yearned for parties, uncomplicated sex nights, drinks, just fun. Something crazy drew me towards her, just the fact that she could kill me at any second just makes me wonder if I lost my mind.

Kamilah was different. Gorgeous, older. Always serious, cold. Almost untouchable. Just focused on work most of the time, I did not know if she hated me or if she just tolerates my presence because of Adrian. With Kamilah, I never knew if what I was doing was enough, she saw me as irresponsible and troublemaker kid, but I confess that it was that perfect smile of hers who made my heart beat faster. Part of me longed for her approval. And in the middle of all this, I was trapped between these two gorgeous and powerful women.”

A/N: Hey, guys I’m back from hell after a few days apart from tumblr, so sorry for that. I’m bringing this new fanfic who explores the most hot love triangle of Bloodbound. I hope you guys like it and at the end it’s up for you guys, who Hayley will end up to? The Queen of the Fashion Designer?

Raines Corp, 23h30pm

Kamilah

My fate was on Adrian's floor. I glanced briefly at my golden watch, I was still on time. I always was, that was one of my personal skills that I’m proud of. As the elevator doors opened, I had a perfect view of the meeting room, Adrian's office... And Hayley’s table. She was with her back to me, arranging a huge amount of papers. Today she was looking different, she wore a white sweater and a red skirt that went up just above her knees and boots. Her blonde fringe was trapped and the rest of her hair was loose. I’ve already seen that skirt, but never with these sweater. It was cute.

I asked myself who was the person that she was trying to impress. Today she was the definition of sweetness, everybody with eyes would notice her.

I reached her with my hands in the pockets of my pants. She fumbled with those papers, cursing softly. She was a lot of things, but never organized.

"I'm pretty sure the paper will not bite you if you're more delicate with it." She turned and jumped when she saw me.

"Oh God! Hey... Kamilah” She put a hand on her chest. I noticed how red her cheeks suddenly are and how her heartbeats fastened.

“You're very distracted.” I observed.

"A little." She said shy, looking away from me and trying to keep herself busy. "Adrian is waiting for you."

"I know," I said watching her closely. "So let me ask you. I'm curious, where are you going after here?"

"W-What makes you think I'm going somewhere else?" She stammered red-faced. It was fun to watch her cheeks flush with that intensity.

"Because I have eyes. I'm not stupid, you're not fooling me." I tilted my head to one side and furrowed my eyes. She gulped and stepped away from me. “You are going to meet someone, uh?”

"I don’t know what you're talking." She adjusted the glasses that hung on her nose, her green eyes wandering the room without looking at mine. She avoided the subject again. Priya. I’m so sure of this. She has a finger on this. She was going to meet Priya, oh for god sake. I’m the only one who was against this? Adrian probably had already alerted her. I crossed my arms.

"Alright. You can continue with this little game of yours, but I will not play it. I know how to recognize a lost cause when I see one,” I said, and it seemed to have shocked her. Hayley opened her mouth to discuss with me, her face now red with anger.

"Am I a lost cause?" She said with a frown.

"What else would it be?" I asked.

"I'd appreciate it if you'd stop behaving like my mother, Kamilah," she said.

"And I would appreciate it if you would stop acting like a teenager. Looking for confusion."

"I'm not looking for confusion." She tried to keep her voice down. "Usually it's the confusion that hits me first." She shook her head.

I sighed, touching my temples. I was not going to spend my time with a twenty-two-year-old girl arguing over the reasons she was trying to kill herself with Priya.

“Suit yourself.” I passed her without another word and went into the conference room. Mortals.

Midnight

"I appreciate everyone's presence." Adrian started the meeting with a friendly smile on his face. It was always like this, his routine meetings with the council. Baron as always seemed completely uninterested, as did Lester. The only ones paying attention were me and Jax.

Priya did not take her eyes off the phone for a single minute, and when she was not on her cell phone, she was staring at Hayley with a wicked smile on her face. Images filled my mind. Images that I did not even want to imagine what happened behind those doors, I felt a strange heat radiate my chest since I became aware of their secret meetings and the memory of two days ago came to my mind.

"She's gone crazy!" I said as I paced back and forth in Adrian's office, he watching me leaning against his desk. "Do something Adrian! Before Priya kills her!” I called his attention.

"What do you expect me to do? I'm not her father, Kamilah. I can not forbid her to see who she wants to see! Of course... I tried to talk to her about Priya, but she knows who she's dealing with"

"Oh, does she know? It seems not!” I said exalted, running my hand through my hair. "I already knew she was irresponsible, but suicidal... I did not know she had come to this point"

"Are you sure that's all? Are you just worried about her safety?" He frowned and folded his arms.

"What else would it be?!"

"Jealousy" He finished with a half smile. I laughed at his expression.

"Are you serious, Adrian ?! She's your assistant... Human Pet. I'm just doing your job trying to protect her."

"Really? Even when you said that, you did not think of it when you slept with her in my cabin, did you?" He said and I stopped. "Oh, please. I heard everything."

"It was only one night stand. Only that." He frowned. "OK. Two nights. Will not happen again"

"Who's lying to himself now, Kamilah?" He looked at me and God, how I hated that look.

“... Uh, Kamilah?” His voice called me. I looked at him and realized that all my council colleagues were staring at me looking for answers. “...Do you agree?” Adrian asked again.

“Absolutely.” I said sighing impatiently. “I think your terms are appropriate.”

“Alright then. I guess we all agree on this. If anyone have nothing more to say, we can close this meeting.” Adrian smiled satisfied.

I rubbed my face, still with Adrian’s words in my head. I wasn’t in love with a human, no. Especially this human in particular, she’s nothing besides trouble. I had more important things to do, a company to manage, contracts to close and my clan to take care, I don’t need to babysit a teenager.

That’s what I thought. I couldn’t be more wrong.

Friday. Ahmanet Financial, 23h15pm

I was at my office, working and revisiting reports, thinking about my next meeting that was happening soon, what I did not expect was a call from Adrian would change my routine at this night. When the phone rang in my pocket, I sighed in irritation. I hated being interrupted and losing my focus when I was working. Even when it was Adrian calling me, but still, maybe he need something.

"Adrian" I answered the call.

"Hey," he said excitedly on the other end of the line.

"What can I do for you?" I asked.

"Do you have plans for tonight?"

"Well, I'm working. Those are my plans,” I said. "Why? Is there something in your mind?"

"I was thinking of doing something different."

"I would not mind having a drink"

"Uh, so you do not know?" He asked in surprise.

"What happened?"

"Nothing much, but I was thinking of leaving early to go to a party."

"You? At a party?” I smiled incredulously, leaning my back against the chair.

"Why not? And it would be us, not just me.” I could swear he was smiling on the other end of the line.

"We? Dear god, Adrian, what are you thinking? I'm too old for such trifles."

"You will not find it so futile when you find out who the party it is"

"Stop that mystery already. Who is it?"

“Hayley’s 23th birthday” He said and I froze at that. “I thought you may be interested”

Crimson Veil, 1h00am

"I can hardly believe you're forcing me to do this." I scowled at the countless people who danced, rubbing at each other, drank and shouted. The loud music and the colored light irritated me, if I had not listened to Adrian...

“As far as I remember you did not object." He laughed to himself, clearly amused by my expression of disgust.

"She could have chosen a better place." I took a deep breath, avoiding bumping into one of Priya's clients. "At least one less... Hedonistic place."

"Priya made sure the party was here. I think Hayley did not object to the invitation,” Adrian said, and I frowned at that. "Oh, there she is" He said with a smile, my eyes went to the direction he looked and I saw that scene in front of me, Hayley was dancing with a glass of champagne in her hand and with her was... Priya. Both were dancing closely, in way so intimate, if I could choose the perfect word for this moment.

Hayley definitely was not sober, it was remarkable by the way her body rocked to the sound of music, her wet hair with droplets of sweat, as well as her skin. And Priya was definitely enjoying this moment, this situation and hers. I could see perfectly.

I was so accustomed to feeling distant from everything and everyone, accustomed to feeling nothing. It was easier that way, but seeing that scene in front of me... Made me wonder if Adrian could be right. I shook my head at the feeling I was repudiating inside me, jealous. Jealous of a mortal? How could that be? Their time was short, they were fragile, they could be killed by such futile things.

I knew enough that romances with mortals were not meant to last. It would never work, we would never work, but she was different. Young, beautiful, had a Incredible smile. It made me feel something, it made me want to try again, to risk, even if there were innumerable obstacles between us, like morality, mortality, the right and wrong. She made me want to abandon my ethics, my rules.

I felt a strange tingling in my chest as I watched both Priya's hands grasp her body and glue Hayley's body to hers. Hayley did not back away, did not pull her away from her. She just kept swinging her body to the rhythm of the music. Adrian was too busy with his whiskey, reading the menu leaning against the counter beside me to see where I was looking.

I took a deep breath and took a sip of my whiskey, feeling the bitter liquid burn my throat as I pondered the countless feelings that ran through my mind.

What had happened to me? Since when did I fall in love with mortals? Since when had I fallen that way? And I, who so proudly blamed Adrian for being a hopeless romantic... I was beginning to believe that his words were true and that he was right.

I would not admit it, not out loud. Not for him to smile at me with that mocking smile, making me admit that he was right all the time and that I should listen to him. I bit my lips, feeling my vision turn red as I watched Priya have fun with Hayley in front of me. A part of me hated myself, I always consider myself to be the most rational person, most focused and right on everything around me. And another hated Hayley, hating that irresponsible girl come out of nowhere, put our lives at risk, make Adrian fell at her feets, she was nothing, but trouble.

And still I have no rational response for why I can’t keep my eyes off her. Why I feel my heart tighten every time Priya squeezes her waist as she shakes to the music. Why I feel my heart beat faster every time Hayley rests her whole body on Priya's, as if her life depended on it. I did not expect to feel it again, I did not expect it to happen again after so many years, I swore never to fall in love with any mortal.

No, it can’t be. No.

And in my painful moment of struggle, when Hayley turned and saw me for the first time that night, her green eyes gleamed in recognition and a bright dimpled smile lit her face... I found myself stuck in that smile, feeling my heart beat fast and strong after centuries, numb with that look, cursing myself for this... For her. Because nothing else seems to matter now. For falling in love with her.

The only rational thought that occurred to me at that moment, the only part of my mind that had not been taken by her, thought; Oh, Kamilah, where did you got yourself in?

There is no way out of this now. I know. I'm doomed and conformed to this, I took a sip of my whiskey, watching my own blond demon smile at me with a drunken, crooked smile, which was to make anyone mad.

[togetherweare-strong]

Its really stupid but I constantly feel like Im selfish and blame myself foreverything. I try not to have problems because my mom tells me I'm always only thinking abt myself and shes probably right. I dont want to talk to my friends bc they might think im annoying. But now I cant do anything without thinking its selfish and my chest tightens and it hurts and i panic thinking im self centered and keep letting myself down. Could i get some advice on how to calm myself down when this happens pls?

Selfishness is such an arbitrary concept. Some philosophers say that we are all fundamentally selfish. Many psychoanalysts believe in a “healthy selfishness.” There’s something to be said about the importance of self-care; and don’t ever be sorry for thinking of yourself first. Remember what they teach you in airplane safety videos: secure your own oxygen mask before attempting to help others. There’s also a popular quote that says, “Before I am your daughter, your sister, your aunt, niece, or cousin, I am my own person, and I will not set fire to myself to keep you warm.”

I do understand what you mean by this, though. I’ve actually had the exact same experience, except instead of selfish, my parents called me dramatic. Of course, they didn’t mean it to be as malicious as it felt – it was just an ‘observation.’ And I’ve always had a good relationship with them, so the words hurt even more.

They started saying it when I was in grade school, when I tried to tell them about being bullied. They’d told me to ‘stop exaggerating.’ My depression and anxiety started to develop in 7th grade. In high school, it took me (an advanced student) failing my favorite subject for my parents to realize that I needed help. They took me to a counselor, who then had to sit down with them to tell them that I had a mental illness, which needed to treated with therapy and medication. Two years after being diagnosed with depression and anxiety, when I began sleeping most of the day (including during my time at school), they told me that it was ‘just part of being a teenager.’ They told me to ‘stop being dramatic,’ and that just made me feel worse. That same counselor had to tell my parents to take me to get a sleep study done. Surprise: I have narcolepsy, a legitimate medical condition.

And even after all this time, I still feel like I’m being dramatic. I have to remind myself sometimes that I do actually have these conditions, and that I’m not faking it. I still catch myself thinking that I could stop this at any time, because I’m just being dramatic. And now, my mom knows this. And she feels awful about it.

It shouldn’t have to get to that point for your mother to realize what her words mean to you, but maybe it would help to have outside input like I had. I’d suggest trying to go to a counselor if you can – even a school counselor would do. They really can help, and what you’re describing sounds a lot like something that can be helped with talk therapy. And the good thing about counselors is that they can’t think that you’re selfish, or that you’re annoying. They’re trained to understand what you’re feeling and how to handle these situations, especially with your mom. And I think it really could help if you told your mom how she makes you feel. Tell her that she’s even convinced you that you’re selfish – like everything you do is selfish. Maybe then she’ll understand what that means to you.

The thing about parents is that they’ve spent your entire childhood giving and giving and giving, all for your sake, while you never really understood the extent to which they’d sacrificed for you. Thank yous and Mother’s Days will never truly suffice. And when you are finally old enough to have conscious thoughts of your own, they expect you to reciprocate. I try to remember the years of her picking me up from school or drying my tears or making me dinner when my mom asks me to do something. But we have to remember that they’re human, and that their minds work the same as ours. So it’s really important to tell them when they’ve upset you. It may feel silly, but they’ll understand more than you give them credit for.

As for how to calm yourself down, there are a few things that can help you. There’s a technique used in therapy called Positive Affirmation. It feels very silly at first, when you repeat things to yourself which you don’t believe to be true, but there is scientific evidence backing the exercise. It helps break negative thought patterns, and it might be able to help calm you down when you start to feel worked up. Take a look at this article, which explains the exercises in better detail.

Another thing to try would be different meditation exercises. There are many types which serve different purposes. Mindfulness is one type that is particularly helpful for those who suffer from anxiety or panic attacks, and once you learn how to use the exercises, you can use them whenever and however you see fit! My favorite one to do, whether I’m in a public bathroom stall or lying in bed unable to silence my thoughts, is the body scan practice.

TL;DR. I hope these resources help at least a little bit. I truly do know where you’re coming from and how you feel, and I just want you to know that there really is a way to make it better. Above all, I believe that you should get professional help, but even just learning little meditation exercises can lessen the weight on your shoulders.

Chin up, darling. It really does get better. I promise that it does.– Rachel

[actuallyschizoid]

Wanted to add something to schizoid empathy/emotion/reading social cues subject from couple weeks ago. I always thought I was terrible at reading emotions, my own or other people. But one thing I'm good at is reading lies. I almost always notice when people try to lie to me. Is that weird for szpd?

I’m assuming you mean this reply, though I mention empathy-emotion-etc-etc in one way or another nearly in every post here, or that’s how it seems sometimes. -_-

But nope, that’s not weird at all for schizoids. Actually, that’s just about how it’s supposed to work, I think? Plenty of schizoids (including myself) have rather decent grasp at how to tell if someone’s lying. Or maybe better to say, not being sincere? Like any poor attempt at acting, in real life or in any kind of play. Not sure why or how, but false is something I notice a lot. 

It kinda bothers me on occasion, stopping me from watching stuff like poorly played Russian tv-shows which plague local tv-channels for decades. It’s just honestly impossible to look at. It’s so, so horribly played you can’t even imagine. And horribly filmed. And horribly written as well. I really have no idea how come the whole country keeps watching this garbage for several hours each day. But from commercial view point those are extremely successful. Does the majority of people not notice the so obvious flaws or is it just somehow meets their tastes or something... but whatever. 

Or, y’know, those youtube vlogs thingy that became popular in last few years? Where some young person tries to make something entertaining for the camera and gets millions of views from said attempt? Well, I tried to watch several of those by recommendations of people I know, but 99% of it is really beyond my false tolerance level. It’s like whatever’s going on, all I think of is “ok young man, I see you don’t enjoy what you’re doing on camera one bit, you obviously doing this to grab views, and srsly can you suck any more at it? take some acting lessons or something if that’s how you plan to make for your living, at least”.

It’s kinda controversial moment since I never know what exactly does the person in question feels or thinks, aside from maybe the most basic mood stuff, which I got more or less proper grasp by now. Except when whatever they feel doesn’t match what they try to show and they aren’t any good at doing hiding it (which is almost always outside of professional acting).

I still can’t relate to it in the slightest, or understand the whys behind those lies. But when people aren’t sincere, I often notice it without really trying. Also it’s quite possible I’m often mistaken at my assumptions, but not that I care enough to confirm my observations. 

As for why is it even possible, I don’t know for sure. But my guess is that having empathy issues through most of one’s life is actually something that *helps* in this regard. Having troubles relating to people around you since early childhood often motivates schizoids to spend waaay more time just observing people than most other people have rational need to. It’s probably for the same reason why so many schizoids end up being interested in psychology and studying it even without any intend to use it professionally to consult people, etc. 

Intentionally or not, but without this innate ability to relate to feels of most people, you’re very likely to attempt to learn how people work by other means. And just paying attention to how lies usually look might be enough to eventually notice it by that experience intuition thingy. You just look at someone and see the exact same pattern of behavior you observed so many times before. And you instantly know what it is. 

There’s no need to relate to the lier in any point in this chain, at least as I see it. You don’t have to understand from your own experience how lies should feel. You don’t have to be in any specific emotional state for that either. Or to even understand what kind of emotional state you currently are. Understanding what’s going on in the lier’s head might be of some use, but honestly it doesn’t seem exactly mandatory? 

Sure, maybe one way to get that understanding of lies is by means of personal relation/sympathy. Maybe that’s how most people do it. Like, they’d think “ye if I did this thing, I’d probably lie about it, and that’s exactly how I’d feel and look at that moment”. Or I dunno. Maybe it’s also comes from experience for them, more or less. Like getting to know people enough first, see them lie to you many times, and then you’d notice it right away when they do it again.

I can do that too, probably, though honestly the only two people I know enough for that are my parents. And those are the only two people I’m even willing to know good enough to be able to tell them not being sincere with me by this method. I don’t need it much though. 

My method might not be quite reliable in a way that I might be assuming actual feels as poor play on occasion. I used to do that a lot more in the past though, coz just about everything I couldn’t relate to seemed like lies to me (which is just about everything). But tbh in wast majority of cases I’m totally fine with assuming someone insincere mistakenly. I don’t care enough to be more accurate than that, there’s little harm in it anyway. So I prefer to opt out on the safer edge and just filter everything as not really, really plausible true as potential lie and be ok with that. ^^’

And what’s your thoughts on this matter, followers? Will post/reblog everything relevant as usual.