#i'm not entirely satisfied (ha) with this
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transmascutena · 11 months ago
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Bird Symbolism in Revolutionary Girl Utena
There is quite a large amount of bird and bird-related imagery, symbolism, allegories and metaphors in Revolutionary Girl Utena, and i think all of them are very interesting. Here is a ~2000 word essay about the topic.
The Birdcage Garden: Anthy and Ohtori Academy
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This is perhaps the most obvious of the bird symbols in Utena. It is literally Anthy's cage. It is where she, as the Rose Bride, is supposed to spend her time watering the flowers. Touga talks about never letting her out of it once he wins her, and calls her a "lovely little bird." And doesn't that just sum up what so many people's idealized version of her is like? A pretty thing to be admired, only in captivity.
I think the birdcage can also be seen as a sort of microcosm of Ohtori Academy as a whole. Akio does call the school "a garden where people will never become adults," after all, and Anthy is not the only person trapped there, nor is she the only character associated with birds.
According to this analysis, "Ohtori" as a word can mean "big bird" in japanese, and is also a Japanese term for the Fenghuang bird in Chinese mythology, said to be "beautiful, immortal and rules over all birds." Sounds a lot like a certain someone in charge of this place, doesn't it? Which would make every person in Ohtori a bird, symbolically speaking, trapped in the cage that is the academy and ruled by Akio (who, despite being the biggest, and the one with the most control, is also a caged bird.)
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Additionally, the statue on the gate to the dueling arena is in the shape of a bird, before it transforms into a rose when opened. I am not sure exactly what this means, but I assume it is in some way symbolic of Akio, Anthy and Ohtori.
The Bird and the Window: Shiori and Juri
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The bird that flies into the window during Shiori and Juri's conversation in episode 17 is a Java Sparrow. Despite its name, it is a part of the Estrildid Finch family, but I think the symbolism for sparrows fits the context more, as they can represent love, devotion and compainionship, all of which are very relevant for Juri and Shiori.
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The bird is also the symbolic item for Shiori's black rose duel, which means we should associate the bird mainly with her. What, exactly, is the window, then? I think it is symbolic of Shiori's feelings for Juri, Juri's feelings for Shiori, or most likely both. The bird hits the window directly after Juri says "Is that all you have to say to me?" and turns to leave. The bird hits something it could not see in its flight, just as Shiori hits against something that hurts her, even if she doesn't understand it, in her conversation with Juri. The bird is shown to be lying still, presumably dead, after Juri reveals that she was never in love with the boy Shiori "stole" from her.
The bird is shown again after Juri throws her locket in the lake, and before Shiori finds it in her dorm. I've heard it discussed that this implies the bird retrieved the locket (probably through Anthy-as-Mamiya), and if the bird is symbolic of Shiori and the locket is symbolic of Juri's feelings for her, it would mean Shiori is the one to bring them back after Juri tries to rid herself of them. This makes sense.
The Bird Nest: Kozue and Miki
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The bird nest that Kozue rescues from the tree that is going to be cut down is symbolic of her and Miki. Or, at least they are symbolic of how Kozue views the two of them. The comparison is pretty straightforward; Kozue projects her and Miki's feelings of abandonment onto these baby chicks, who have been left behind by their parents, just like the two of them were when their parents divorced. I think she projects her protectiveness over her brother moreso than her own feelings about the whole thing, as Kozue likes to think of herself as very independent ("a wild animal") and very unaffected by it all. As seen by her attempt to save the birds in the first place, she is very willing to put herself at risk, and is less concerned with her own feelings/safety.
Now, I don't want to get too much into speculation, but I have to wonder if there was more going on in the Kaoru family than just the divorce and the too-high expectations for the "twin prodigies." Miki's uncharacteristic cynicism in saying "adults who tell you something is for your own good can never be trusted," as well as Kozue's total disregard for authority and her tendency to use her sexuality as a tool both concern me. Although Miki and Kozue's parents are not explicitly shown to be abusive, I do not think it is a stretch to say that there is a possibility that they were. It explains some of Kozue's behaviour in regards to Miki as well. It's not just posesiveness but protectiveness. She has needed to protect him before, and she feels she needs to protect him still (pushing the predatory teacher down the stairs, saving the birds she sees his innocence in.)
Interestingly enough, Anthy interacts with these chicks as well. She advices Miki on how to feed and take care of them. Utena even comments on how unusually straight forward she's being about the whole thing. This might just be another instance of characterizing Anthy as a person who is fond of animals, and that is certainly part of it, but i think there is more to it as well. If these baby birds are symbolic of (Miki and Kozue's, but also a general) feeling of abandonment by parents/adults, as well as their potential abuse, what does that mean for Anthy not only knowing how to take care of them, but being eager to talk about it? Could it perhaps be that she, like Kozue, sees herself in them? Like Kozue, Anthy herself is symbolically a bird, but a caged one in contrast to Kozue's claims of being a wild animal. Could it be that Anthy has had to become an expert in taking care of those (herself) that have been abandoned or failed or abused by the adults in their lives? Rememeber that this is the same episode where she says that Akio is more like a father to her than a brother. A parallel is indirectly being drawn between him and the Kaoru parents.
If Miki and Kozue's parents were abusive, this might be a rare moment of Anthy empathising with other victims, telling them through metaphor how to take care of themselves. Although, it doesn't keep her from continuing to manipulate them, as she goes on to say her line about returning the chicks to their mother, which is what sets Kozue off. Anthy also says that she's never actually raised chicks before. Maybe she's not very good at taking care of them (herself) after all.
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There's also what looks like two caged parakeets in Miki's flashback of their childhood. I assume this has similar meaning to Anthy's birdcage, as a feeling of being trapped, in this case by their parents' expectations for them. Kozue used to be a caged bird, but now claims to be a wild one, despite still being inside the birdcage that is Ohtori.
Brood Parasitism: Nanami and Touga (and Utena)
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The Kaoru's are not the only sibling pair in Utena to be compared to birds. In Episode 31, Her Tragedy, a pretty unique shadow play is put on in the Chairman's Tower about a cuckoo leaving its egg in another bird's nest, a phenomenon known as brood parasitism. It also references the fairy tale The Ugly Duckling by Hans Christian Andersen. Perhaps the most interesting part of this play is that it's done in the style of the ones in the black rose arc, with C-Ko playing all the roles, the return of the monkey-catching robot, and Utena's fourth-wall breaking commentary at the end. I won't get into what this means, as it doesn't have anything to do with the bird metaphor, but maybe in another post.
This shadow play is about how Nanami and Touga were adopted, and specifically about Nanami's feelings on the matter. Of course adopted children are not parasites, but it makes sense for Nanami to think along those lines, considering her fear of being compared to animals or aliens, and of being ostracized by the society she lives in. Nanami doesn't actually know that she is adopted, only that Touga is, which muddies that interpretation a little. Perhaps it is about Nanami blaming Touga's birth parents for "leaving him in another nest"? Something about her resentment of Touga at this point in time, thinking of him as a parasite in their family? Or simply her fear of what not being his blood-relative means.
I'm more confident about the Ugly Duckling reference, and it being symbolic of Nanami's worry of not fitting in among her peers. Nanami mainly copes with this by thinking that the reason she doesn't fit in, is because she is actually better than everybody else, because she's related to Touga (being a beautiful swan among the common ducks.) The play ends with the cuckoo insisting that it will become a swan one day, when really it can't. It will never be a duck that fits in, either. It will always just be what it is, a parasite (a space-alien. A girl who lays eggs.) This reflects Nanami's despair at the idea that she's "just another fly in the swarm" after her duel in the next episode.
And like all the shadow plays this one can be interpreted as being about Utena as well. She is an orphan who is now being raised in Akio and Anthy's "nest". Although she wasn't placed there by anyone but Akio himself, so it's more about her insecurities about feeling like an outsider in their family. And like the Ugly Duckling/cuckoo, she is also out of place among the rest of the students, and dreams of growing up to be something she can't actually become, in this case a prince. (credits to this analysis on the shadow plays for helping me piece together my thoughts on that. Always cite your sources!)
Cuckoos can also be symbolic of one-sided love, and is the origin of the word cuckoldry. Make of that what you will.
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I should mention that Nanami also lays an egg of her own a few episodes prior. ...Or does she?
Her nightmare sequences show her fears of being compared to a chicken, a turtle, a frog, and of course, a space alien, but it is quite obviously a bird egg. And since we are later shown that Anthy has a chicken named Nanami, much like the cow with the same name, it can be assumed that the egg comes from there, and that Anthy brought it to Nanami's bed, perhaps via Chu-Chu. Could this relate to the brood parasitism of the cuckoo in some way? Is this not one bird (Anthy) laying its egg in another bird's (Nanami's) nest (bed) and getting them to raise it? is this what Anthy means when she tells Miki she has never personally raised chicks? Are all of these metaphors connected??? There's also the fan-theory that Nanami's egg hatched a reincarnated Chu-Chu, and in that case would he be the baby cuckoo while Anthy is the mother and Nanami is the duck? I'll be honest I'm not really sure what to make of it at this point. Draw whatever conclusion you want!
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Last and probably least interesting is the third of Nanami associated bird imagery: the crow in episode 10. Crows can be symbolic of death, and it feels safe to say that this one is just here to set the mood of the scene, and as visual confirmation that the kitten did indeed die. Not too much to say there.
The Chicken and the Egg: The Student Council
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I'd be remiss if i didn't mention the student council's chicken and egg speech in this post as well, even if it has been analyzed to hell and back by hundreds of people before me. It is a reference to Hermann Hesse's book Demian. It is about breaking out of childhood and into adulthood. It is about escaping Ohtori, which is both the egg and the cage (and interestingly enough, during the speech birds can be seen flying by outside the cage of the elevator.) In Nanami's version of the egg speech she mentions "the cage of freedom" and how it cares for the chick. This something that ideally should be true for schools. A place that limits children, but in a way that prepares them for the adult world. Of course, Ohtori as a system has no interest in this, as it is a cage in its most literal sense: a place to keep people trapped. Trapped in their harmful behaviours, in their lack of growth, in their idealized memories of the past, and most of all, in childhood.
And with that, we have come full circle back to Anthy's birdcage as a symbol for all of Ohtori. Thanks for reading :)
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lonepower · 1 month ago
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the wild excitement > intense disappointment > cautious acceptance pipeline gave me whiplash
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myreygn · 11 months ago
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modern au dad askeladd except he's not an actual dad but this random kid shows up to his house every day and tries to have beef over the closed food store askeladd bought and turned into an antiquarian store. turns out the food store used to be run by the kid's father until he passed away which is very sad of course but also askeladd is not gonna cooperate with some brat that borderline harasses him day by day. only that he can't call the cops because he kinda has a turbulent past and if they find out he's filling his store with stolen goods it's gonna become a huge problem. and note to destiny, the stupid kid finding out is not that great either because now he has to hear it out if he doesn't wanna go to prison and also he should probably learn the demon child's name while he's at it. shenanigans ensue.
#askeladd agrees to honor the memory of thorfinn's dad and in return thorfinn won't call the cops on him#then they fight about how the honoring should be done#askeladd doesn't want to change his entire store's image only to make sure people don't forget about the former owner#and thorfinn isn't satisfied with just a sign with his dad's name on it which is as far as askeladd is willing to go#things change when some rich jackass wants to buy every building on the street and turn the whole area into a luxury resort#now thorfinn and askeladd have to work together because thorfinn doesn't want his dad's store to vanish#and askeladd doesn’t want HIS STORE to be torn down because smuggling the stolen stuff out of town would be a pain#(also affordable houses with basements big enough to keep the meth laboratory running are rare these days)#(also also thorfinn learns some kind of martial art in the dojo across the street which is whatever but the coach is really nice)#(like. REALLY nice.)#(with a nice voice and a nice face and nice muscles and as if that wasn't enough he makes a kickass apple pie)#“bjorn is single btw” - “shut up thorfinn” - “i'm trying to help” - “go bother your twink why dontcha”#yeah thorfinn actually manages to make friends with the son of that asshole that tries to get their houses#great for the brat of course but now askeladd has to deal with a snobbish teen criticizing his cooking#not to mention the nosey nanny slash accountant the rich idiot hired to keep his twink son entertained who's very curious about the basement#he also knows a lot about modern art which. not great. well great for him but not for askeladd.#anyway tldr#askeladd has to save a street while trying to raise two boys that aren't his not falling in love and keeping ragnar out of the meth basement#thorkell is the construction worker hanging around and refusing to do his job until sven pays him quadruple the original agreement#vinland saga#bjornskeladd#thornute#ragnar and thorkell are also there#and sven but no one wants him to
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So earlier today I introduced some of my WIPs to some new people, and I realised that many people might not be familiar with those two WIPs.
Kriya Petri: fantasy (with body horror & dystopian elements). Setting: A country called Fillor on a planet called Thuluke. In Fillor, to bind yourself to the one you love, you require a trinamate potion to seal the bond. 'Trinamate' is marriage (though that is a rather crude translation of the word). But to get a trinamate potion legally, the couple needs to be… acceptable. A man and a woman who plan to have at least one child. Yes, it's been 1000 years since the global apocalypse, but 'sufficient reproduction' is still a concern among the Filore people (plus it's a moral virtue for the Divine Monarchy, who reside on the cloudlands, with an iron grip on the institutes of Fillor). A potioneer wants to elope with their lover, but the pair is, let's just say, not acceptable. So what are they to do? The potioneer brews a trinamate potion on their own, finding the closely guarded methods & ingredients for the potion through who-knows-who, bunch of shady people. The potion explodes. The potioneer knows the punishment for something like this. They'll be condemned to Kaewoe (so will their lover, if anyone finds out), a realm so deep below the ground that it's close to the core of the planet. Kaewoe, where the mind & body are destroyed by the horribly high concentration of magic. Kaewoe, the names & lives & loves of all who enter it, all slowly turned to unknowledge. Good thing stealing identities is absurdly easy in Fillor! The potioneer wipes all memory of their crimes & love (or else the Thought magicians would know), flees to the city of Naebo. Their name is now Kriya Petri,
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Welcome To The Real World: scifi, fantasy, surrealism, horror, tragedy
This one's in very early stages Inspired by Frankenstein Setting: The Great South Asian Rip in Reality, where physics (time & space both) is just completely twisted. The year is sometime in the 2070s. Sometimes it's the 2040s outside the Rip. Depends when/where you step out. Moh-maya, reality's very fabric & everything that keeps up the illusions that comprise reality, are very malleable in here. Main character: Kabir aka Moksh. A closeted Indian trans man who lives a double life, perhaps even a triple life. One in which he's a cis woman & a regular bright STEM student (STEM studies also include study of moh-maya). Another in which he's just some guy with good friends (the most authentic of his lives), where he goes by the name Kabir & uses moh-maya to present as his true self. If only temporarily. (it's painful, mentally & physically, whenever he has to revert to the female form). The third is some mad scientist bullshit, he's going by the name of Moksh among his fellow mad scientists & his main project is a moh-maya Frankenstein's monster that others can share their consciousness with, such that they can experience shape-shifting more easily & go where they physically aren't, do things they physically can't. Let's simply call it the 'entity'. Due to many reasons, creating this entity is pretty illegal. Hence the new name & collaboration with fellow shady people. the plot, put shortly: he starts doing vigilante justice w/the entity & then goes far & gets more & more consumed w/work & things go verrrrrrryyyyyy wrong despite starting with (dubious but) good intentions.
in this second one i neglected to mention the fact that you, as the reader, get front row tickets to the main character's spiral into madness & justifying murders thru the entity + the entity is a whole person & has opinions + a whole lot of other stuff, I DID mention that this WIP is in very early stages but holy fuck i could go on & on about it (just not in a way that can be packaged in a structured & sensible introduction)
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levitanias · 9 months ago
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thinking about frankenstein's monster again, not anything in particular just kinda brain rotating him like he's the well liked side character of a bad shonen anime
#i'm always thinking about jekyll and hyde though i've been obsessed with those guys since i was way younger#but mister frankenstein's monster has wormed his way into my heart#i'm much too sleepy right now to finish it but when i wake up i hope to continue a video i was watching about the original novel#the concept of frankenstein's monster itself just astounds me it's so great#just everything about it#it feels like a commentary of sorts and maybe it is maybe it isn't#i thought to be thy adam but i am rather the fallen angel#victor is his creator and while not necessarily his god the monster is HIS adam#while the monster had to learn the customs of man he did not truly have to learn how to be man itself#he was created with emotion and the abilities man posses#all he ever wanted was to live and as a creature born with the passion to live amongst men as much as any other man he couldn’t#a hell within itself#and a hell that he did not deserve#a tragedy he could not help and a series of tragedies that overcame him#to not be able to be loved by man and yet be surrounded by him is a worse fate than death#he surely would have rather never lived at all#or maybe been invisible to man entirely#i have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe#if i cannot satisfy the one i will indulge the other#he is a creature of emotion cursed to a life of blind rage#in any other world would he have met a different fate? not at all#man cannot change and he cannot change how he first perceived man and how he was perceived by him#maybe im crazy though#i am crazy im a crazy person!!!#nimposting
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rosielav · 2 years ago
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Desperately need to find another currently ongoing podcast to listen to. I have nothing in my feed that releases new episodes except for MBMBAM and that's not nearly as exciting as I'd like it to be haha
PLEASE REC ME YOUR FAVORITE PODCASTS, PREFERABLY ONES STILL ONGOING OR WITH LOTS OF EPISODES!!!
Blease 😭😭😭😭
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No one:
Some random person, every week since July: Has anyone done this yet? *posts meme redraw of Shadow breaking it to Sonic that they’re gonna have to kill Nine and Sonic going "Damn😔"*
#Sonic prime#sonic the hegehog#I'm not putting this in the character tags this time#i just be ramblin#semi vent post?#I'm just kinda tired man#like he would not fucking say that! even if Shadow actually says that next season‚ Sonic is not accepting that he can't save Nine or anyone#else on his LIFE#Tired of the Nine and Sonic (and Nine and his shatterverse friends frankly) relationship erasure here#Let's not pretend here that Shadow is the only person who Sonic will threaten to throw hands with over a threat to their life#And this bit is more personal. But at this point I resent the idea that this entire show is going to end with everything going exactly to#how it used to be before with all the variants living in the original or something#After everything that has happened there's nothing satisfying about that kind of ending to me. do you have no whimsy? do you have no hope?#Do you really think the best end for everyone is one where Sonic has to accept his new friends and his new best friend has to die?#We know from the s3 teaser that part of this season will be about stabilizing the shatterverse#Do you really believe that it makes sense for the story to force Sonic to choose green hill or the shatterverse after all that time spent#keeping it together and keeping all those people protected?#This show is forcing Sonic to contend with the variants being different people with different lives and backstories. it's forcing Sonic to#contend with Tails and Nine not being exactly the same person. Do you think the best end (after all that fighting to be considered more than#just copies of the originals) the variants (especially Nine)#is for them to just accept that they can't be separated from the 'originals' as we consider them to be?#anyways anyways back to the post#point of the post is that I've seen the same tired joke every week since s2 came out and I'm just tired of the 'Shadow and the narrative#will force Sonic to accept that Nine has to die' bit#Like at this point y'all just want Nine to die. just say that#Or at least do some meta/analysis posting. because rn it all sounds like 'Nine is narratively going to die because I think he should and#because I think it makes the most sense. Source? vibes'
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chocosvt · 4 months ago
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trying to take proofreading away from me is like trying to remove dirt from the earth
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desperatecheesecubes · 4 months ago
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Every time I see a post making fun of people being afraid to get into comics I think about how when I was first getting into comics I thought it would be fun to read Infinite Crisis because it was a HUGE event and it would give me an idea of what a whole slew of runs and characters were like. I made a post about some panel pretty early into the event (I think it was a build up comic that wasn't even officially part of the Road To Infinite Crisis so EARLY early) and some blog I didn't know made fun of me for not knowing the greater context of the panel I was commenting on. And while I was naively typing up a quick little 'ah sorry I'm new to comics and didn't know that. Thanks for the context!' they had gone through my blog and started doing the same for a bunch of other comics I'd read, and then mocked me for reading IC when I clearly new so little about comics.
Now, obviously, that behavior is ridiculous, and I just blocked them, but it did stick with me. It was one of my earliest interactions with comic fandom and I never forgot it. Most of the people I've intereacted with have been lovely. Even when I have gotten comic cannon wrong corrections are normally very kind. But not all of them are, and the ones who aren't are so vocal about it.
So i actually don't think it's the comics themselves that make getting into comics an unappealing prospect.
#Think about how people have to defend their newness to comics when asking for clarification.#'Help I'm new to coimcs' you shouldn't have to defend that to get an answer actually#I think the people who act like you NEED to be an expert on a character before saying you're a fan are just wrong to be clear#I can be a fan of a character without having read every issue their in ever#You can write a fanfic for a character without knowing their entire history if you want. It's fanfic. The actual authors dont bother#And sometimes you just gotta remind yourself of that#Reading a fan comic with a scenerio that would never happen in canon isn't a sin if it's fun for the people involved.#I've said before that I really like post resurrection fics that focus on Jason and Bruce's relationship because it lets me live vicariously#through jason in having parents who accept me for who i am despite our differences and still loving me#That's pretty explicitly not the relationship they have in cannon and thats fine#I can still look at their relationship and go 'oh damn this has some ingredients to make this scenrio really emotionally satisfying'#Like yeah yeah the concept that comics themselves are gate kept is a little ridiculous when reading comics online is so easy#but how many times have you had a negative experience in a real comic shop#because I know that i have!#How many times have you seen a blog get aggresive about someone being perceived as a non comic reader like thats a slur#I love comics. Obviously because I run ablog where i talk about them all the time.#but I'm not gonna dox someone who only watches the movies or the shows#there are forms of media where I've only consumed the adaptations#So when people say 'you're gate keeping comcis' REALLY think about how you talk about people who haven't read many comics#Becauase as far as I'm concerned if you constantly treat people like shit unless their in your little pre approved circle of#'Actual Comic Readers' then yeah you are gate keeping comics and its fucking weird#mine#No way in hell I'm tagging this as anything lmfaooo#sorry for the rant in the tags I have many feelings about this#not me going off in the tags
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llycaons · 4 months ago
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the finale to this book is extremely satisfying in that breq is directly called out for her saviorism and for her role in the brutalization of the conquered planets, and she doesn't argue, but the woman acting out of self-defense to try and kill her tormenter is STILL doing to be what, executed? and breq is still working for this empire? she will get a chance to explain her situation, but like...she's fucking dead? so breq's calm agreements that yes, this is unfair, and yes, the empire does abuse its power, falls a little flat. working from within the system isn't enough, breq! you know this! you've been here for weeks seeing this happen! you FAILED this woman! she had no other option! and good on her for pushing back against the idea that just because she was intelligent that meant she was special and shouldn't be 'wasted' in a field. nobody should be slaves in a field no matter how intelligent! oh breq. come on start growing some solidarity
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leonardcohenofficial · 2 years ago
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amazing that doing a sport or other physical exercise activity does wonders for one’s mental health, who would have guessed
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declawedwildcat · 1 year ago
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Been longer than I realized since I last got a new character!
Picked up this otter girl from @prince-o-sky and had to draw up something to start getting the hang of her design 🌸 Will try and do proper fullbody art with her sometime once ArtFight is done
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unproduciblesmackdown · 2 years ago
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like hearing an autistic person talking abt realizing like "oh so friendships for some ppl don't involve always having to maintain a performance" and going damn right yeah and now "oh so friendships for some ppl involve their getting to expect that the other ppl will be interested in them and provide support" like huh go figure. more surprising like oh right i guess i always felt like interactions require maintaining a performance that can only go wrong (generally true; like there's no "well you're ruining things by keeping ppl from being the Real You so just Be Yourself" like a] masking isn't Real or done by Yourself or b] like if you unmask people like you now & ableism is over, b/c it was your fault for reacting to it in the first place) & thus also that i should be interested & provide support but not expect that in turn / the sense as well that you are/can only come up short and have things to make up for anyways while lucky whoever's even providing the time of day
then it's always an Exercise to go "oh right well beyond going [my god autistic character] the whole time, what Things re: winston billions was i still not quite seeing as as unusual / Not Good as they are. even for billions" like sure noticing he's holding on to the hopes of some kind of positive / actual relationship w/rian for like year 950 & this manifesting with the Determined Friendliness but zooming in like oh i guess that adamant amicability sure involves winston suppressing a negative reaction to negative treatment and yet still hoping for an improvement, which like, was always Possible but a) hinged on rian simply choosing to change how she regards/treats him (or someone intervening to change the situation) & b) apparently is not going to happen. thinking like yeah that's very Friendly of him. and knowing like man winston's sure still trying to keep this friendliness offer open for like two years. but also now more specifically going like Yeah and pretty fucked then that his baseline expectations don't include that Mutual Interest & Support (though someone being abusive is definitely interested just not in any good ways. and certainly not (actually) supportive)
#and then in immediate retrospect it's like I Mean I Knew It & even now to be saying it feels like i've effectively already said it#just more precise/specific Language available. & where even if it's like [restating this one idea] that's gonna say smthing new / a bit dif#winston billions#from the [immediately going HM HUH first time seeing his clips but taking months to be like He's Autistic(tm) Btw IMO] to now struggling to#say another Ay Word in discussing [he has a devoted workplace bully] as Abuse(tm) when plenty of what's abusive is considered ''normal'' or#correct or even Ideal while defining Abuse as xtreme outliers due to evil intentions & extraordinary situations (that you should avoid)#it's power structures & efforts to control & use/refuse people as things....plenty of ppl who can feel they're just acting Normal & Natural#while other ppl in entire groups Do have to perform which can only go wrong & be hurt / get that everyday trauma from their Normalcy.#those allistic social skills huh (again tldr invoking this concept just Is ableism....)#after a casual twenty plus years w/the gradual convergence of [figuring out i'm autistic] & [not blaming myself for being mistreated b/c#i'm autistic] does put a damper on expectations re: all interactions but it's like the way someone put it the other day#who hasn't said anything abt being autistic but that they don't think anyone's guaranteed any kinds of relationships/companionship incl#friendships (which i agree with; & it's not at all uncommon for ppl to be hard up for those out here. despite ppl treating socializing like#a meritocracy like hmm anyone doesn't have friends? sounds like that's on you not getting good / deserving that) & so he consciously#navigates how to like be genuinely satisfied w/a life that's just got him in it while being open to other ppl. thinking of how i've heard#abt Just That re: autistic ppl (but framed specifically re: dating; like might want a romantic relationship but ofc no one's guaranteed one#of those either (even if this too is definitely treated like in fact you Are guaranteed one & it is Again a meritocracy) And ofc there's#more barriers/hurdles for autistic ppl) & just going like yeah i've sure been always navigating that too while being open to ppl sure but#not feeling like i need that to change & sure asf not focusing on Putting Myself Out There lmao. i put myself out there by existing & by#saying things & by trying not to try to preemptively appease/appeal to anyone. seeing another quote today abt how they're nonverbal & this#results in being regarded as hostile like eugh been there enough; classic [putting myself out there] dramedy of terrors from back in the#day as a teen living on college figuratively sprinting around trying to figure it out; both the Autistacity & Abuse lol. & racking up more#of the latter for the former while i'm at it....nowadays like. certainly recent successes in [spontaneous alignments of being friends] had#to start w/like weeks into months of i'm not expecting someone else to have interest & in fact Am expecting; if nothing else; them to#realize w/e interest motivates them to talk w/me to be mistaken or w/e. as i'm struggling not to mask / beating back efforts to actively#appeal to anyone. being duly surprised when after months they still feel like talking to me. & even then just kind of entering another#phase of ''well but still'' lol like when interactions have largely felt like Buying Time at best#def on the same page as that guy like even [have friends] is not a Need. when i could go ''time to recharge socially'' & make it happen#what i like to do is go be in public '''''by myself'''' around ppl. truly the good shit. doing that kind of shit w/ppl has = nth wheeling.#now insert a short essay spinning off all this abt an approach to Language parallel to [concepts re Socializing] as tag thirty
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greedbent · 1 year ago
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no listen you guys you have no idea how hard it is to resist also writing wylan here bc
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trashlie · 2 years ago
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FP203/End of Arc Thoughts
I was trying to figure out the best way to handle my end-of-fllashback-arc/203 thoughts and rather than trying to rewrite everything I’ve already written, I’m going to just copy my reddit commentary over into this post, and then try to follow up on things that I want to discuss in more detail or that I think deserves to be focused on lol. So if you read the comments in the episode discussion posts on reddit, there’s nothing new here! 
But for those who don’t go on the reddit, then it’s business as usual below this cut! 
Oh my god, the end of this episode. I wonder how much she actually told Nol - did she name Alyssa? Was everything we saw something she was telling him? The thought of her telling him about falling from the window and embracing that feeling, of laying there on the ground and wishing she could just take flight like a bird, too. I had assumed that this was more like... her reminiscing on her own, but the dialogue at the very end is definitely for Nol - talking about how everything moved on, time continued, and she had to continue to deal with the effects of it. There’s something vaguely optimistic about it, and I know it’s because present Shinae is talking and because this reflection is combined with all the things she has experienced since then, what she’s come to learn. Watching time pass - her father fall into the habits that got her into her current mess, the selective color on the beanie and sweater from Alyssa, the progression of her hair growing out, their middle school graduation. There’s so many things I want to pick out of here and I hope I’ll remember to do that as I gush over this.
I didn’t expect those teachers to be fired at all.* We already know that Shinae has a wariness towards adults, and for the ones who actually helped and respected her, to be fired because of what happened to her is really devastating. The math club teacher was the one who found her and probably saved her life, and she was punished. I mean, on the one hand, I understand? The idea is that as teachers who hear the rumor mill, who know when students are being bullied, they should intervene. But we know and we’ve seen that intervention never does anything, and all it did was create a guilt complex in a girl too young to bear that weight of responsibility and one that continued to grow.
(* a teacher friend of mine says rather than fired, she thinks those teachers were probably traumatized, as well, and quit of their own accord)
There’s something about these little snapshots of Shinae with Maya, Rika, and Minhyuk - even if Shinae had never learned to be truly open friends with Maya and Rika until they were older, it’s clear that the after effects of that fall DID affect their friendship. Had she never fallen, maybe they would have been able to grow into close friends sooner. Shinae put her guarded walls up not only because she didn’t trust others after Alyssa hurt her, but also because of the ramifications of association with her. Teachers were fired, her father’s life became harder, Minhyuk lost all of his friends; she didn’t get close to people so as to not bring them down as much as because she didn’t trust them. She told herself she doesn’t like people to comfort herself both because people can hurt you and to try to stave off how much she, too, wished to win peoples’ favors. But because she closed herself out, because she cut off others and kept her distance, we saw the fall out that occurred with Maya, who was already jealous and felt othered. Something I’ve always thought is that it was never that Maya disliked Shinae - it was that her feelings were at odds with their relationship. When Maya first met Kousuke in the hospital she took his ass down defending Shinae. So many of Maya’s issues with Shinae were because of how Shinae closed her out, how she felt like Shinae didn’t want to be her friend. It’s just. idk it’s something that really gets to me, seeing these little snapshots of the four of them having fun together, despite how the rest of their school was alienating them and pulling away. Despite everything, they had each other. And I’m a mess!!!!!
“We all kept moving forward... because life doesn’t stop for anyone. Keep riding along and see where the road you’re walking takes you... Even if the road needs some maintenance or is being blocked... It’s just a temporary delay... We all eventually reach our destination.”
Who are the words for at the end? The dead end - is it both of them, hers? Hers but applies to them both? Shiane thought this favor from Kousuke would help, at least patch things over and take care of her father’s debt, but now it’s left her stuck in a new situation she cannot get out of. Nol thought he would be able to make his escape, but his detour is leading him to jail time.
There’s something SO optimistic about the concept that we all eventually reach out destination but this... this is just yet another dead end. But maybe there’s room for them to find their ways out of this dead end together, the way Shinae was able to carry on with Maya, Minhyuk, and Rika at her side?
(Sidebar: that moment with that narration and the four walking around together looking like they’re having fun, while Alyssa goes to? from? dance practice? GOD there’s something about that moment that just GETS to me, the juxtaposition of Shinae with her friends against the one who could have been but failed at it in every way.)
I have a LOT of thoughts about the ramifications of Shinae's fall. The way she tried to leave everyone out hurts, but also what else do we expect from her? The thing about that fall is that prior, Shinae still believed she could change things in her life. She believed that she could leave her past (at her first school) in the past and start over, make friends, find somewhere to fit in, but life was far from kind to her. She made so much effort to try to defy everything, to set things right, to do the right thing and defend herself, but it only made things worse. And if she'd told the truth, the teachers would probably have had a fair investigation on their hands. But in that moment, when Shinae sat in the hospital and realized how much harder life was going to become for her father, that's when she concluded she doesn't deserve to fight it, that she can't change anything. Why would she name those girls when the last time she called anyone out, everything blew up in her face? If she'd never gotten the girl who bought their project in trouble, maybe the bullying would have been quieter. Less this than it was. Why would she dare name them again? The fact that they completely declared innocence though, ugh. I mean, do I expect them to fess up? Absolutely not. They are the type of bullies who believed they're allowed to bully a bully - in their minds everything they did was righteous and Shinae got what she deserves.
As for Alyssa, I hope we get to see things from her side one day. What kind of anguish or horror, what she felt, and if she holds any regret for it. I think she does. I think you have to be a truly rotten person to feel no regret, especially since we know she didn't actually mean to push Shinae and even in those last moments she still slipped up and showed concern for her, even if she could never reconcile it.
"I thought it was going to help me get there... but it turned out to be yet another dead end." Ugh, the impact of those words, combined with Nol and Shinae sitting and looking over at each other like that. ;~; It's something so... idk. vulnerable, something they share even though they didn't know it until this moment. I have to hope that Shinae opening up to him will help. Nol needs to understand that he is not the only one who has been dealt an unfair hand by life, that he's not the only one who has been tormented by his own existence, and to see that despite it all, even if it's faint, you eventually come out on the right side. Even now, Shinae may be facing a dead end, but look where she has ended up compared to the Shinae of 3 months earlier. My girl ;~; my heart ;~;
What a very satisfying way to wrap up this arc. Idk there's just. There's something about that passing of time that GETS to me. The selective color and the hair growth and Shinae going through the motions of friendship, the way this was one of the hurdles that hindered her friendship with Maya and Rika who, to their credit, did stay by her side even if it was at the request of Minhyuk. I believe in my heart that though Minhyuk asked that favor of them, Maya still said yes because she wanted to, because she hoped that one day she and Shinae could become the friends she'd become with Minhyuk, that she could open up and trust them. I think that's still one of the most beautiful things about Maya and Shinae fighting and making up - there was so much caught up between them, and it was on both ends. Shinae not trusting Maya and expecting the worst of her, Maya holding things against Shinae she didn't deserve, Shinae keeping everyone at a distance, Maya wanting to be a friend Shinae could rely on and trust. Just... all the ramifications on a whole! Shinae becoming this very independent person so that she could never bring anyone down, because her father was absent, because she HAD to be independent to get by and survive and to protect herself and others ;~; I have SO. MANY. FEELINGS.
Rereading the ending and I think it's very possible this narration is still Shinae to herself, but just based on the way they're sitting hugging their knees, looking over at each other, she has to have told him something significant, and after everything we just went through, even though I previously thought she wouldn't name Alyssa, I'm now of the mind that why would we be shown all of this if she didn't at least say she had a friend who wasn't good to her, and how the fall ultimately happened. In fact, it makes me wonder if this might well be the first time Shinae told ANYONE how the fall happened, that others were involved, the kind of bullying incident that lead to it. Ugh. ;~; I can't imagine that she skimmed over it if he's looking over at her like that. Like, you'd think if she was vague, he'd be like everyone else and want to ask questions, or have an expression that clearly reads he knows she's not telling her the truth, but the use of showing only their partial expressions, something so... idk VULNERABLE, I think she's shared something she's probably never shared before? Aaaahhhhhhhh ;______; Big steps, maybe.
ALSO THE WAY MINHYUK BRAGGED THAT HE COULD HAVE HIS PICK OF ANY SCHOOL. ANY OF THEM and in the end he still chose to stay where he could be near Shinae. Left in the dark about what happened, aware that he's the only person who cares about her, the weight of his guilt for not being there to stop it to help her and how it shaped him into who he is. We all talked about how Minhyuk is so overprotective to the point that it blinded him to important things - like how Maya felt - but in the same way this transformed Shimhan, Shinae, Maya, and yes, probably Alyssa - Minhyuk was inherently altered. I said it on my tumblr, but there's something about how Dieter thinks Minhyuk is overprotective of Shinae because he doesn't trust her to handle her own problems, but really it's that Minhyuk, too, was traumatized by what happened and his inability to be a person who could help her. Knowing that he was the only person who cared about her, the only person who was willing to know her truth, made him grow ever more protective of the small, scrappy girl who just wanted to be peoples' friends and never deserved anything that happened to her. When you think about it, it must have been such a hard decision for him to make, to go to university in Chicago. And when he did, IT HAPPENED AGAIN! Shinae's stalker sister, being stuck at the Hirahara Corporation, knowing she's at work with people who have manipulated and hurt her. You literally cannot blame him for the intense overprotective way he treats her - it's not that he doesn't trust her or doesn't think she has it in her. It's that HE has never gotten over what happened to her and how easily it can (AND DID!!!!) happen again. It's that Minhyuk treasures Shinae and wants to show her the value she has and, in the same way as Shimhan, wants to protect her from things she never deserved to deal with ;~; don't touch me I AM EMOTIONS.
I have been lol thinking a LOT lately about Minhyuk and his entire character, how without the background context, it's so easy to blow his protectiveness out of proportion, but once you have the actual details, it's like... wow how could Minhyuk turn out any other way? It feels like the kind of nightmare that hovers at the edge of your mind - maybe it doesn't pop up anymore but you can't help but worry that maybe it will show up again. Frankly, the love that Minhyuk has for Shinae is so.... ;_______; I still haven't recovered from when he burst in yelling that he's the only damn person who cares about her like ;____; EVERYONE WAS SO HEAVILY AFFECTED BY THAT INCIDENT :( Minhyuk and Shinae talking about how he needs to let her take care of her problems seems even bigger now that we know what we do - how that kind of fear must still cling to him.
#I Love Yoo#ILY FP#ILY Spoilers#ILY Brainrot#Shinae Yoo#Alyssa Cho#Minhyuk Park#Maya Park#Rika#..........what is Rika's last name oh my god#there's so much in this episode that I will be yelling about for days to come and i'm eagerly anticipating this week's episode aaahhhhhhhh#to me this was a really satisfying rather beautiful wrap up of this entire arc and it really brought a lot of important things to light#there's a lot of things that we've known in general via the story that are not given enough credit - like why Minhyuk treats Shinae the way#the complicated relationship between Maya and Shinae and how this incident both tethered Maya to Shinae and inhibited their friendship#the way Shinae has internalized the feeling of being a burden of being someone who ruins things someone who requires punishment#and also much like nol who thought the had Shinae figured out and knew all there was to know about her and what makes her tick#as readers WE thought the same - we thought we knew enough about her life to understand what she's been through but it was nothing compared#to watching it all play out AND the aftermath - the way life went on and a small handful of people affected by this trauma had to try to#move on too except they never got to process it they never got to deal with it and even now it's something that affects them#idk something about that writing is stunning and beautiful to me? thinking moving on is putting something behind you except it just haunts#you. it follows you until you learn to deal with it.#and just how much of this is the same for nol how much of himself he'll see in her after this and what will it mean for him and how he sees#himself. will he have the same fortitude as shinae to look at himself not as what he thinks he is but for what he REALLY is? to see in#himself what she has learned for herself about who does or doesn't deserve what life throws at them - that he does not need to absolve#himself to earn the freedom from himself that Shinae has also earned#GOD i have feelings#SO. MANY. FEELINGS.#there is a whole part i left out of this post that i'm saving for another post so i can go into it a little more lol YELLS#JUST SO MANY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS god i love this#I Love Yoo is SUCH catnip for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! checking all my boxes!!!!!!!
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rosecrowned · 1 year ago
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personally I think that, having spent her whole life trying to be the Perfect™ daughter of a Perfect™ family and building herself around her father's ambitions and expectations rather than becoming her own person, that marg should be allowed to go a little rabid, actually. at least once.
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