#i'm just so tired and overwhelmed
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Had a shitty mental health day today </3
send kliegkaard asks or thoughts and I'll see if I can answer them tomorrow 💡🪱
Or any asks really idk
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"Slow down, Sunshine. You're not falling behind and you are loved for more than what you do for others."
#fnaf sun#fnaf dca#dca fandom#crab art#traditional art#self-insert#my OC Esther#please don't copy these tags i'm just going to vent a bit#it's just been one of those weeks#been feeling overwhelmed lately#like i need to keep up#like i'm not doing enough and i tire or lose focus so easily#and i don't feel rested after resting#so i thought i should go back to my roots of drawing the DCA comforting me with words i can't seem to give myself#was debating whether or not to share this#but perhaps it may offer someone else some comfort as well#i'll be okay#this too will pass#it's just been a particularly busy and out-of-control week
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I! Am so tired of the infantilization of Papyrus. I'm so tired of the infantilization of autistic people, and autistic traits. I thought we were past this in this fandom... but NOPE.
I am absolutely NOT going to name any names, (especially because I don't think ANY of this is intentional!!! I don't think people are doing it on purpose!!! And I don't want to hurt people. And also because it's SO many people now. I see it all the time from so many different places. It would be impossible to list them all.)
But??? I am getting increasingly uncomfortable with the casual ableism in Papyrus fans, bloggers, and writers who don't even realize that's what they're doing. People who say they are against the infantilization of Papyrus.
(Sticking the rest of this under a cut so I don't clog any feeds)
I just!!!! It's all well and good to have your headcanons about Papyrus! He's a really mysterious character that we don't know a lot about! I'm not denying that! But I see SO many people just… saying things like:
"Papyrus would NEVER do (insert autistic trait here) because he's an ADULT! CLEARLY it was a joke."
or
"People take him seriously or at face value when he does (insert autistic trait here) but he's not stupid???? Clearly it means something else-"
And so freaking many variations of that.
Just. Have your headcanons about what Papyrus means or doesn't mean. That's okay! If you think he's joking that's FINE! But PLEASE don't shit on other people and be so casually ableist by saying that he could never be these things, or that these things would mean he was stupid, or childlike if he ACTUALLY meant them or did them.
ITS LIKE. Taking the initial infantilization of Papyrus in fandom and spinning it on it's head so far it goes right back into infantilizing autistic people by just. REMOVING PAPYRUS'S AUTISITC TRAITS AFTER LABELING THEM STUPID OR CHILDLIKE.
"You're infantilizing Papyrus! CLEARLY he could never actually MEAN these things or do those things for real because he's an adult-" AND LIKE. BABE. THOSE THINGS ARE JUST AUTISTIC THINGS.
And just.
It's really really upsetting to see the traits that I personally relate to in Papyrus have people saying "he could NEVER actually mean/do that! CLEARLY it was a joke, or subterfuge or insert something else here-"(the very strongly implied "because only Children do that" is so clear it's nauseating) (And often stated, but just in slightly different language. "It's clear." or "Of course Papyrus wouldn't-" or "He's smart!" or "He's an adult!")
Most of the portrayals I see of Papyrus are wonderful. While I've seen this a lot in fandom, I don't think it's the majority of people who create or write, or blog Papyrus content. But it's a big enough chunk that it is incredibly worrying and upsetting.
I'm also not trying to wave away any level of subterfuge, or mystery that Papyrus has. Because he has a lot! And!!! He's a grown ass adult! (A HILARIOUS one who cracks a shit ton of jokes and is witty as hell.) Someone who is very sneaky about many things, and masks a lot, and is clearly hiding SOMETHING. Have fun theorizing about him, because there sure is a lot to theorize about! Sneaky, sneaky skeleton...
Just. While I'm not trying to change anyone's headcanons... It might be worth it to see if the Papyrus you create has been removed from all of his autistic traits that are deemed undesirable (a level of social ineptitude or not understanding others, routines like bedtime stories, and so much more) while only leaving the ones you think are quirky or fun (things like masking, or stimming with big, flailing gestures, special interest in puzzles, etc.).
And if that's true, why might that be?
If the answer is "because Papyrus is too smart/mature/clever/etc. to mean or do this seriously." then that is no longer an innocent headcanon. That is saying that people who DO have those traits aren't smart/mature/clever/etc. That is infantilizing autistic traits. (And yes! Autistic people can also do this by accident! I used to fall victim to internalized ableism that I didn't even realize was there, and I've seen other people do it, too.)
I was going to get into a more in-depth list of Papyrus’s traits that are autistic traits or could be caused by being autistic, and basically write an entire fan essay on the whole situation, starting from the beginning infantilization of Papyrus in fandom (equally as bad) and ending with where we're at now as Papyrus fans. (This right now is not an essay. It's a vent, and a plea. When I say essay, I mean with cited sources, properly structured... An actual ESSAY that would help people.)
But… I’m tired. I know it’s an accident in most cases. I know that most people probably don’t realize they’re calling autistic traits “stupid” or “childlike” or “papyrus would never because he’s not a child—“
And I know that this one simple post isn’t enough to explain how autistic peoples’ brains frequently work, or why these things don’t mean someone is stupid or childlike.
I know that without a thorough explanation there’s so many people that won’t realize that they’re doing this. And it’s certainly not as gentle as I wanted to be. I want to be kind, because I know that it's an accident, and that people aren't trying to be cruel or harmful.
But I’m just… tired. I’m so, so tired. It’s hard to gently explain to people that are actively harming you and your community why what they’re doing is hurtful.
Maybe someday I’ll actually write that essay, and I can include helpful tips on what autism can look like, or how Papyrus's differing things COULD be (not necessarily ARE) an indication or presentation of autism, and also some more tips on how to integrate some of Papyrus’s characteristics in different ways in a fic that keeps his wonderful autistic swag if that's what you want to do. Maybe I can delve into some more of the nuance of this discussion, of which there is much.
But right now I can’t.
If you're worried you might be doing something like this but you really do need an essay or more structure and specific writing breaking it all out, then. Well! I want to help people. If you have questions about what I said and genuinely want to learn, I can do my best to answer and help in an essay if there's enough questions, or in asks if its just a one off question.
(Though absolutely no promises. The entire discussion is draining and triggering, so... It's hard. Please don't be surprised if I'm unable to keep conversation about this going.)
I don't want to write the essay if it's not going to help anyone though. So… let me know. Maybe in reblogs. Just please not in my DMs. I'll turn on anonymous asks for the next month or so, and if people use them to be cruel, or confrontational, I will be taking that away again.
If you've made it this far... Thanks for reading.
...And, you know what? Shitty TLDR:
Papyrus is a grown ass man who can say fuck and be a bad ass bitch, and who can also be an autistic adult. These things are not mutually exclusive to each other.
Edit: Someone sent me a wonderful essay written by the-irken-pony about Papyrus and autism that was written in the earlier days of the fandom and Papyrus infantilization. (I have no idea how I haven’t seen this before.)
It’s not the current issue of “wow you became the thing you most sought to destroy (infantilization)” in Papyrus’s fan base, but it’s a wonderful breakdown of autism in Papyrus. It’s a good thing to read with this. You don’t have to accept the various headcanons as yours, but please take note of the various things that could be caused by autism. And then make sure that you aren’t calling those things childish.
#floof talks#undertale#undertale papyrus#papyrus undertale#papyrus#autism#tws:#ableism#vent post#discourse#infantilization#swearing#let me know if i missed any tw's please#i'm sorry i don't normally ever post things like this#i don't even do theory or headcanon posts#but this is very relevant to my blog so...#i'm so tired#sorry#i'm not trying to get on anyone's bad side#i'm just tired and overwhelmed#and i wonder how many people other than me have been hurt by it#and if making a post can help with that...#well. yeah. im gonna do it#i don't see people talking about this and im probably just not looking at the right places#but i have a platform and no one is talking that i can see#maybe this wont work to change anyone's mind#but maybe it will#and i have to try even if im honestly terrified
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hey all. it's been a while. life has been not... bad per se, but I certainly haven't had the energy to keep up with this blog in quite some time. I'm closing submissions for now, and gonna try to queue up the whole of what has previously been submitted.
i'll let you know at the end of all that if i'm gonna continue at all. if I decide to abandon this blog, I do intend to keep it up as a resource and will not delete it.
thank you all for a great time
--- mods, kee system
#blog maintenance#i'd say sorry but tbh. i'm just tired all the time now. i don't have energy. maybe i'll do more again if i feel better.#but rn we're just perpetually doing our best with a body that can barely hold on with daily tasks and even then... things get lost#there's currently 527 submissions in the inbox for this blog. unsure if there's any Ghosts (it happens. trust us.)#where the submission exists only sometimes / has otherwise glitched#but ultimately that's like. approximately 530 posts and even when we consider coming back to this blog that's just an overwhelming number#and you can't even backwards chrono the inbox on tumblr#so it's just... gonna be whatever we have the spoons for#thank you for the community <2
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... why he sit like this
#in this position his face is extremely 'cartoon cat' shaped.. like the perfectly round cheeks and little#rounded bump of a snout.. big round eyes. etc. stretched over the arm of a chair like a weirdo#cats#It's still Hot Evil Summer time and I have so much to do so am just aimlessly hopping between various projects but not actually#getting anything done. as usual. Also so so so so tired. I almost fell asleep in the middle of the floor like 3 times today lol#Trying to finish some costume photos and also another poll adventure thing. plus I do really want to do a sculpture sometime#I haven't finished one in a while. Hopefully my tiredness is nothing bad.#Maybe I'm anemic again so that's making me tired. Or maybe it's just a Listless phase. not that I'm ever really THAT productive considering#all of the health problems and etc. always holding me back. but still. I'm not usually 'sleep or just stare at a wall literally all day' ty#e unproductive.. at least not for multiple days in a row so. hmm... Sometimes especially in the summer though I will have periods of time#that are listless like that. I am under low level phyiscal stress for months at a time due to summer heat so I guess it makes sense#that would eventually take a toll. I just have SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO!!!!! AAUUGhhh#I also came up with a new idea for a game that is so so cool and I wish I could make it but I have to finish the other one first lol#which I will NEVER do. if I spend all day just sleepy unfocused barely able to do anything#I also really need to sell some clothes and sculptures because I'll probably have to buy a new computer soon so I need money. (plus still#recovering the costs of having to euthanize my other cat.. wehh) There's nothing clearly wrong with it right now but it's getting gradually#slower and there's more weird glitches happening randomly and idk.. just weird things that make me think 'hmm... bad.. possibly.'#ANYWAY... I just have so much to do that I both REALLY want or need to do - so it's perpetually frustrating that I just can't for whatever#reason like. Time is always mving forward. every day I waste is a wasted day. The year is already almost half over. I havent finished#any of the projects I wanted to .. and there's only more and more things to do each day. It's overwhelming and stinky#and thats not even considering having to do all of my tasks also with the background noise of economic inequality. everything increasingly#going into an even scarier political direction. active climate change crisis. pandemic that still exists and is insane to act otherwise. et#etc. HOW am I supposed to solo make two whole games . write 3 book series. finish sculptures. do costumes. make outfits. game videos. make#stable network of social connections. do my little side crafts. take care of myself and cats. pay rent. manage health issues. keep a routin#.try to make some sort of money. go to doctors appointments. handle regular maintenance like cleaning and cooking and self care#and buying new plates when old ones break or etc. make sure to do other things like backup my computer data regularly. do shopping lists.#take care of plants. pursue like 6 different academic interests. do the other side side projects I have for fun (like music or carving avoc#ado pits). eat in a healthy way thats okay for my Special Health Issue diet. exercise so i don't die early. etc. etc. etc. AND all while it#82F in my apartment all the time and I have tiny income and also need to move to another country/climate somehow??? lol......#ANYWAY.. ..very frustrated today over my chronic Tired Sleepy.. time for Cat Photos - which cure all of life's ailments lol
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been trying out a new writing technique recently and it's called chilling tf out and reminding myself that fic is written for fun.
#making a little joke but also being genuinely serious#with my merwaincelot wip i've embraced having little overviews in brackets for what i want to happen#but idk how to write it just yet#if i'm feeling stuck or bored#and if i'm getting tired or the idea of writing an ending is getting overwhelming then i just call it a day and do something else#and yeah it's taking longer to write things (perhaps gone are the days when i wrote and posted a fic in the same night)#but it's working wonders with my brain#and it's amazing how as soon as i relax i get hit with several new ideas#just trying to adjust my thinking in that projects over a long period of time are not something to worry about#like i'm also planning a knitting project that i'll be doing well into september#(mainly bc yarn is expensive and my needs are hella specific)#but that's okay!#not everything has to be done and dusted immediately!#i'm glad i took a break from writing and i think it did do me good but damn i'm happy to be back#and enjoy still learning how to get even more out of my hobby#but anyway i'm just feeling a lil proud of myself today so#lit talks#personal
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oooh, once i get some of my energy and motivation back for a couple days again, it's over for y'all. i'm comin' for ya
#rn I'm back to just. being chronically overwhelmed & exhausted.#struggling to enjoy much of anything. feel like I'm dragging myself around.#can't even log in to discord bc that's just Too Much for my brain atm :/#why is just existing so fucking tiring lmao#planning to just queue up as many drafts as I can once I can get myself to write again. for real this time!!!!#fuck the instant gratification I want to get caught up i'm tired of constantly feeling behind sfjgksh#as always & for about the hundredth time: thank you all sfm for your patience with me 😭💜#I appreciate u guys SO MUCH and I hope you're having a lovely week 💜💜💜#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don’t @ me.
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I don't know how you've all experienced the year 2024, but I barely witnessed it, and I've been fighting for my life
#I've been in a constant state of flight and stress#there's been disaster after disaster#I didn't do a lot of fun things#and the things I did#I didn't enjoy very much or I don't remember them#I remember them as a fact (a mark on my calendar) but barely a memory let alone a feeling#I lost motivation for work and I fucked up a lot#my highs and lows have changed six times a day#like biblical proportions mood swings#lots of anger and sadness but they've barely registered either#way too much awareness in the present which was overwhelming but I haven't remembered them afterwards#or it just felt insignificant and boring#lots of doubts about myself lots of questions#it's been one crazy fucking year#usually I have some big grand plan or idea of how I want to do better next year#but now I'm just like ehh#which just raises more questions about wtf is wrong with me :)#haven't had a single day where I didn't wake up with a tension headache or pain in my neck or shoulders#or a single day amongst people where I didn't get agitated angry hurt feeling rejected#which hasn't happened all that much the past ten years so that's crazy#lots of old feelings. that I can handle now. no breakdowns or extreme sadness#it's just weird i dont understand myself at the moment#too lazy to grab my journal#(have been too lazy/bored/tired all year to spend any time on hobbies)#so the big rant goes here#I hope in 2025.... I get to calm the fuck down#i dont have a big plan or idea. I just want peace... and enjoyment...#looking back at my resolutions for 2024 is sad#im like that was me only a year ago what Happened?#personal
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#just needed to vent for a sec but oh god am i tired of people#'friends' both irl and online got me fucked up lately#mental healths been in the shitter almost nonstop this year#familys always got me up the wall#i just feel like I'm constantly treading water and i am *tired*. like so fucking TIRED#it's never enough; it's too much; no not like that; but not that either; it's all wrong wRoNg WrOnG#ik im sleep deprived and possibly pms-y and that is most certainly not helping things rn but...#gods i see less and less of a reason to get out of bed and bother with anything ever again#wtf is the purpose#i can't keep friends to save my life bc im apparently a fuckin doormat and interesting as unflavored rice or smth#how hard is it to feel like you maybe sorta kinda matter and aren't an unlovable worthless piece of shit#years of therapy; trying meds; everything under the sun.... and nothing. lows and highs and dips of every kind and yet ..nothing#and maybe im just very much in my feelings rn and just yelling into the void.. but it hurts and im tired of pretending it doesn't.#i hate how hard it is to make friends as an adult especially irl. and how gossipy and cliquey and gross and mean ppl can be#of getting called childish and naive and boring for wanting to be a decent person and having interests outside of partying#(not attacking those traits but tired of getting attacked for *not* being 'fun' enough or 'social' enuf or 'sensitive' for having feelings)#enough*#i just want to go eat drywall and stand in the rain and let it help me pretend im not crying blood rn.#like every cell in my body isn't trying to spontaneously combust.#'it gets better' ..yeah? when. when i was 14? when i was 23? when im 37? when im 55? 82? WHEN.. bc im so sick and tired#and no this isn't me writing a final note or whatever it sounds like; i just wanted to word vomit bc ive never been good w sadness#and ive got such an overwhelming amount of it rn i can't even turn it into anger & spite & use that for productivity... i just want to rot#to lie down and be covered by plants as i sleep and just slowly fade into a cloud or smth like it's a ghibli movie or wtv.#im like shaking from how stupidly emotional i feel rn. the lack of empathy these days is fuckin astounding#common sense & empathy are lacking in absolutely droves these days. some days i hate the internet & tech for its irreparable damages sm#but here we are and here it shall remain. long after us; and *long* after us ..... *sigh*#anyway ima go try to take a nap or smth. I'll see ya when i see ya. take care my lovelies#if u read all this i prob owe you a cookie lol
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man. I've been reworking a lot of content involving Act II of Home Is Where You Are and like. ugh. it'd work so freaking well in novel form but I just Do Not have the dedication or the drive to start from scratch and rewrite everything that happens.
idk how else to share the updated version of that part of the story with y'all tho, considering that Khalan's journal is insanely outdated now and isn't entirely canon anymore, so I'll probably just have to accept that I likely won't ever be able to update the story for y'all in the way I wish I could. >n<;;
#spectre says#text post#delete later probably#tbh i'm so tired of being tired#i've had like. no energy to write or draw#even tho. the ideas are there. i've got so many concepts going through my head that i could work on and turn into some kind of tangible art#i tried writing out a new outline for act ii but i got overwhelmed with all the changes and plot holes that still need working out#so idk if i'll even continue with that#even tho it's just bullet points#fhgdjkfg#anyway#the idea of writing everything in novel form just sounds like. SO perfect for the story as it is now#i'd love. to establish both khalan and antony as main characters and focus on what happens to both of them while in Atria#eventually having their stories collide when antony's side of things merges with what's going on with khalan and aya#it'd feel less jarring than how it worked out in the journal#because this part of the story is just as much antony's story as it is khalan and aya's#and he's ultimately the one who fixes things and has 'main character energy' by the end of that act#so establishing him as one of the tertiary main characters early on makes sense i think#but yeah. there's just a lot i'd need to do and i know i wouldn't be able to keep up with it if i did try to start writing.#IM JUST RAMBLING NOW IM SORYO#it's just been on the brain i guess
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#feels like the ground is crumbling underneath me I'm so overwhelmed I want to quit I want to sleep for multiple weeks#I want to leave the country I want to ghost everyone in my life and never talk to anyone again. I want to scream and hit someone.#idk man I am so tired I just wanna sleep forever
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the desire to kill yourself is something that really can come out of nowhere and then leave just as quickly. and leave you feeling foolish as hell
#AURGH#gonna go offline again soon but honestly just popped on here to distract myself for a bit#I'm so tired and so overwhelmed and keep getting random flashes of depression#but like. it's fine it's cool it will go away soon and I will be okay
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i am extremely worried about tomorrow. wish me luck
#nothing too special just going back to a routine i'm already tired of is overwhelming#and on the first day of school so buses are gonna be packed. oof#i'm. so anxious rn 😭 idk if i can handle it#given that my mental health has been on a decline idk if i'll have the energy to get through even one day ahdkgklhlj#well. seeing my psychiatrist this friday. guess i'll bring that up 🥲
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i need to pack my bags and get the hell out of frown town
#i realise that recently i have been disgustingly self absorbed with my own issues 😔#there is a line between discussing bad feelings with friends and being stiflingly negative and i leapt across that line a few weeks ago#like yeah my own issues feel horrendously overwhelming at points but i can't always be caught up in that when i'm around my best friend#i think it's a mix of just exhaustion and also the fact i see her after school where i'm more positive#so i just crash after a tiring day and become the mayor of frown town#it hurt to hear but i mean she worded it much less directly than i have been wording this#and the vibes have been feeling rancid lately so im glad i recognise the issue now and things should feel a bit better between us#just ough it's so easy to become an unpleasant person#not even necessarily by inflicting harm on others but just not inflicting any joy#it's rough out here but it's good to find out negative aspects of yourself and improve them ig#bc i have had friends that are horribly negative and it's just difficult to be around them sometimes#ugh anyway sleep will help all this#oh also in the morning today seemed impossibly exhausting but i got through it#woohoo#now i desperately need to fix my sleep schedule starting with now. bye bye tumblr
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the lord is testing me so hard rn. holy fuck. give me a break
#hbbbbbb spent what i built up after the semester on the mortgage i'm tired i have a full shift tomorrow and now the powers out and#i need a charger block for my phone cause i need to wake up tomorrow. wanted a shower. mom was gonna make a quiche i don't want wendy's lmao#i also do not want to start crying in front of her i am just. grumpy. and it is fine. but i need to not be tearing up when i get to the#pharmacy because my friend works there and will ask what's wrong and im not crying in cvs. so. hough. okay.#stop tearing up. get meds. get shitty stupid dinner i'm so sick of chicken holy fuck. go home. mom is also extremely overwhelmed i don't#want to get upset in front of her idk how to not do that. hhhgh. sucks. it sucks and it's bad and i'm tired
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oh boy i sure did go from "i think i'm feeling a bit lighter this week" to being lowkey kinda casually suicidal with some ironic speed lmao,,,,
#ahdgksh I'm not like. ACTIVELY there. the thoughts are just present.#I'll be fine this is v much the state I've been in and out of since..... god since april? it's been that long already?? fuuuuuck#but yeah no I think. I'm just tired. overstimulated. overwhelmed. disheartened.#I'll be fine I just need to take some time to recover. again. asjggjdg#writing it down helps and apparently it's easier for me to post to my dumb rp blog than to pull out a journal so. lmao#I am once again appreciating y'all's patience with me 🥺💜#the Want to write is ever present but the Will is still struggling ahdgksg#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don’t @ me.#personal cw#suicidal ideation cw
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