#i'm just not sure i have the self-discipline required

[cakemagemaeve]

And yet, despite everything going on right now, I'm still thinking about converting to Judaism.

[elicathebunny]

FINALLY CLOSING THE GAP BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR HIGHEST SELF IN 2024.

You are going to STOP scrolling endlessly for self-help and advice content and you are going to STOP and apply the knowledge you have endlessly gained. Obtaining help and advice knowledge is useless if it goes through one ear and comes straight out the other. STOP becoming addicted to the idea of scrolling and scrolling for your problems yet you already have the resources to fix them. A fool is a person who cannot decide to take action despite having access to the information needed to do so.

BREAKING FREE FROM THE SCROLLING CYCLE

Learning and Applying is one thing, but Learning and Staying Stationary is literally brain rot. You're addicted to the idea of change and the end result, but you never take the steps towards discipline with a personal structure to get that result. You keep looking for quick fixes and easy hacks, but life is not a quick fix and no hack can elevate your life from 0% to 100% without visiting the rest of the numbers first.

TAKE A BREAK FROM SCROLLING

Take time away from your usual scrolling and learn to be on your own. Learn your own ways of self-care, learn what works for you and understand what you need, because nobody is the same. Following a millionaire's morning routine will not make you a millionaire. This routine has worked for someone to feel and be productive in the morning and was probably curated over the years to suit their current lifestyle. So, seeing other people's successes and comparing their working ways to your life is unrealistic if you are not in a position to implement them. Going straight from 0% (Being unproductive and procrastinating) to 100% (Being incredibly Productive and in tune with self) will not be sustainable for someone who has not built the discipline and the inner foundations required for it. STOP seeing information online and taking it without ALTERING anything to your personal situation.

STOP ASKING HOW TO AND JUST DO

"How to lose weight, How to become more social, How to do this and that"

Most of these things you ALREADY know the answer to. Everybody knows that to lose weight, you need to burn more than you consume. There is literally no other way, no magic and no secret hack, just that simple fact. I guarantee you know that to become more social you just have to be social. Learn to be comfortable in social situations which will require inner work, but it's not a difficult concept. Most of us know what we need to do, yet we still try to find quick fixes or another way that same message is presented to us differently. We act as if we are improving and developing on our "improvement" journey yet we are just finding coping ways to feel like we are moving, yet we are still in the exact same place as before. I know you know what to do, I know you have researched what you should do and ways you can do it. So why are you not doing it? Why are you still not where you want to be? If you are not where you want to be, then what you're currently doing needs to change. You cannot do the exact same thing you've been doing for years and expect a different outcome. You need to curate a routine suited to your needs that is realistic and achievable to adopt.

LEARNING TO MOVE ON YOUR OWN, STOP DEPENDING ON OTHERS TO FUEL YOUR SUCCESS JOURNEY LISTEN TO: NOBODY IS COMING TO SAVE YOU BY JULIENHIMSELF Make yourself your safe space, your foundation. When you see yourself in the mirror you should be able to tell yourself "I love you", you should be so sure in what you do that nobody else can contradict what you believe in yourself, this is the end goal of self-improvement. Many of us have put aside our goals because we "are not ready", "people may judge us" or "I need to be/achieve ___ to.." Now don't get me wrong, I'm on this journey with you. I write on this blog to teach my brain how to think in the higher mindset that I'm creating for myself. I too have thoughts like this which is why in 2024 we are going to break out of our old selves to make room for our new selves together. We have to lose ourselves to find ourselves. If you're mood and self-worth are controlled by other people's opinions, then you will never advance further with yourself and will remain stationary. You have to stop allowing other people to determine whether you are allowed to pursue your desires or if you shouldn't because of fear of rejection. Don't take life too seriously, we are only here for so much time. So what if people make fun of you? In a few years will you look back and be proud and fulfilled of your past or feel regret and disappointment? LISTEN TO: WHY YOU CARE SO MUCH BY JULIANHIMSELF + LISTEN TO: HOW TO DETACH BY VICKITA TRIVEDI

The only way to get to 0%-100% is by doing.

Embody your potential

[windvexer]

What counts as a spell? Is intent all you need or do you have to do something before to get it all juicy and stuff.

Hi Anon! What a fun question, because there is no answer except this CAN OF WORMS you just opened.

There is no consensus anywhere as to what constitutes a "spell."

There is even LESS consensus as to what makes a spell go.

Intent is a good starting place. It is probably where you should start for all acts of practical magic.

But I find that in it's common form, the idea of intent + willpower = magic has been diluted past the point of utility for most people.

Like if we're talking about "intent is everything" I'm reminded most closely of Chaos Magic. But Chaos Magic is not a school of "just set your intent and you've worked magic!". It's a very rigorously developed system.

In Hine's Condensed Chaos, he lists the third Core Principal of Chaos magic as technical excellence, and I quote:

One of the early misconceptions about Chaos Magic was that it gave practitioners carte blanche to do whatever they liked, and so become sloppy (or worse, soggy) in their attitudes to self-assessment, analysis, etc. Not so. The Chaos approach has always advocated rigorous self-assessment and analysis, emphasized practice at what techniques you're experimenting with until you get the results you desire. Learning to 'do' magic requires that you develop a set of skills and abilities and if you're going to get involved in all this weird stuff, why not do it to the best of your ability?

Later in the book, Hine likens "magical powers" to the concept of achievements, and goes on to say:

Something which is an achievement is the result of practice, discipline, and patience.

Shortly after:

Chaos Magic is not about discarding all rules and restraints, but the process of discovering the most effective guidelines and disciplines which enable you to effect change in the world.

(In above quotes, all emphasis my own)

But these ideas get taken - and I'll give a big nod to the LOA which is just the worst kind of brainrot for encouraging the "intent is all that matters" mindset - and the ideas get diluted so much that people are literally out here saying, "so all those people who spend years studying magic in order to get results are buffoons? All I have to do is imagine what I want and it will be delivered to me? All humans since the start of history just have to decide they want something and it will happen in a miraculous manner?"

(Not you, Anon. I'm just in a mood)

In my mind, yes - something beyond intent must occur in order to make spells go.

But what?

Anon, have you ever heard that dumb belief floating around that all herbs in a spell can be replaced by rosemary, and all stones in a spell can be replaced by clear quartz, and these two things are "universal substitutes"?

I am 95% sure that this nonsense was based on two very popular dictionaries Cunningham wrote in the 80s, the Encyclopedia of Crystal, Gem & Metal Magic, and Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs.

In the very long entry for Clear Quartz:

Quartz crystal is used as a power amplifier during magic. It is worn or placed on the altar for this purpose.

And from Rosemary:

Rosemary is generally used as a substitute for frankincense.

And I believe that someone somewhere got the idea that since clear quartz amplifies all other powers, it therefore somehow magically Ditto-copies all other powers, and like a shapeshifter somehow becomes something it is not nor ever was.

And, you know. What's the difference between subbing out frankincense and blackthorn between friends?

These beliefs have become so popular that sometimes when unscrupulous blogs rip off entire Cunningham encyclopedia entries and paste them into tumblr posts (without credit), THEY INCLUDE THE EXTRA MADE-UP BIT ABOUT ROSEMARY BEING A UNIVERSAL SUBSTITUTE.

Anon, your question is "is it just intent or do we need other stuff to make it go," but sadly,

IMO common beliefs about the stuff that makes spells go have also been diluted past the point of utility for most people.

Because if I sat here and said, "hey Anon, it's not just intent, you also have to use correspondences ^-^/" then the very first thing you are likely to run into is absolute nonsense about correspondences. IMO, effective utilization of correspondences is a skillset based in research, theory, and technique.

Or if I said, "you also have to raise energy! 👍", this may be mistaken to mean, "set intent but also visualize white light inside of a candle," because the concept of raising energy and visualizing has been (IMO) diluted past the point of utility for most people. I believe that effective utilization of energy work is a song composed of many notes and chords, several of which you must practice before you can utilize it.

And to complicate all of this, which non-diluted things in which combinations you need to make the spell go depends on what paradigm you operate off of, because while there are approximately one billion ways to do magic that works, my currently very dim worldview is that most people who are talking about magic are doing magic that doesn't work,

and in my opinion the actual basis and reasoning, like the rationality behind the magical systems is really important. Because you need that shit to understand what it is within that system that makes the spell go.

And you need to understand what makes the spell go to make the system fit into your life without breaking it, and in order to troubleshoot problems without making things crumble further.

Because when people don't understand the basis and reasoning you end up with "rosemary is a universal substitute" and "imagining white light makes the spell go."

There are a few circumstances where you can totally strip technique from theory and be successful, but there are also a hell of a lot of people out here feeling shit about their practice because their spells never seem to work.

So.

I really just recommend choosing what school of magic you would like to learn about and participate in, and reading an introductory book on it.

This is because it is the job of introductory books to explain the principles and theories behind a system of magic, and most importantly, what makes the magic go, and a step-by-step primer on what you, the practitioner, are supposed to do to make that kind of magic go.

Despite above rambles I'm really not a Chaote, so I can't recommend a strong primer. As far as I'm aware, Liber Null & Psychonaut by Peter J. Carroll is a core text.

For Traditional Witchcraft, try The Crooked Path by Kelden.

For something more Wiccan, I can't recall having anything bad to say about Psychic Witch by Mat Auryn.

If either of these things are too Witchcrafty for you, try Six Ways by Aidan Wachter, which is still witchcraft, but it hits different.

For a general primer on helping your spells go, try Elements of Spellcrafting by Jason Miller.

[transmutationisms]

could you talk more on eds and biopolitics?

sure, so this is broad strokes and it's also worth reiterating that the energy deficit characteristic of EDs can have a lot of different causes besides intentional food restriction—food insecurity is a huge and underrecognised factor here but there are many others. so when i talk about intentional restriction and the desire to be thin / lose weight, i'm not suggesting these are universal characteristics or causes of EDs.

anyway though, in the context of discussing these things, and particularly the relationship between 'diet culture' and EDs, a perennial frustration to me is that i often hear people fall back on the idea that the desire to be thin comes about as a result of the beauty standards perpetuated in mass media, fashion adverts, &c, without any subsequent interrogation of why it is that beauty itself is now so heavily dependent on thinness. after all, plenty of people have pointed out this is not a universal; beauty varies in different times and places, what is described or depicted as beautiful in historical records doesn't necessarily have much overlap with today's hegemonic standards, and so forth.

so when historicising this phenomenon it becomes very clear that the euro/anglo standard of thinness as beauty is, one, part of the ideological apparatus justifying colonialism thru the creation of race and white supremacy. sabrina strings and da'shaun harrison have written on this. two, the thin ideal is also inextricably tied up in medical discourses defining the ideal body as one that is economically productive, with the promise being that if the populace can be transformed into 'healthy',*** useful, hardworking citizens, the state benefits. control of bodyweight is therefore certainly a means of demonstrating one's supposed self-control, moral discipline, &c, but it is also a demand expressed in medical terms: these two discourses merge and overlap, and are both part of the capitalist state's transformation of its citizenry into a biological resource that can be controlled, managed, and exploited to bourgeois ends (profit): hence, biopolitics.

(***the story of how 'health' itself comes to be so dependent on thinness is obviously a critical piece of all this but this post is long as shit already so suffice it to say that this conflation is also not obvious, necessary, universal, &c &c)

medico-political discourses in the 19th century tended to talk about the dangers of both over- and under-weight more than what we hear now; similarly, if you think about something like wilbur atwater's calorie-value charts, these were explicitly intended to guide labourers to the most calorie-dense foods, because to atwater the central danger to be avoided was starvation among the workforce. these days in wealthy countries like the us, you are much more likely to hear about weight management in the context of demands to reduce; this is of course following moves like the WHO declaring an 'obesity epidemic' in 1997, and the rise in the usa of more explicitly nationalist, militaristic weight-loss rhetoric in the post-9/11 era.

however, my position is that these demands for thinness, and the beauty standard that follows and justifies them, are not a departure from earlier 19th- and 20th-century scientific nutrition advice, just an evolution that, for a multitude of reasons (politics, medical professional interests, insurance company practices, &c) has simply come to focus more on the ostensible economic and national threat posed by fatness. the underlying logic bears the biopolitical throughline: the state has, or ought to have, an interest in enforcing the health of its population, and as part of this demands that you the individual surveil and alter your weight according to the scientific guidelines du jour.

this is fertile ground for the development of what, in extreme form, we regard as ED pathology. first, because even the most purely 'health'-motivated individual engaging in the required degree of bodily monitoring and caloric restriction is liable to respond to energy deficit in ways that can become diagnosably distressing. second, because the morals of 'health' are never far from standards of beauty; thinness is sold in overtly profitable ways (the diet and weight-loss industries) and furthermore, our idea of beauty is often a kind of post hoc justification for the thinness already being demanded by state and medical authorities. which is really just to say, beauty is part of the ideological superstructure both resulting from and invoked as a justification for the material conditions of capitalist biopolitics. again this is very broad strokes, but imo it is a much more useful framework to understand EDs than simply presenting them as a result of desiring thinness because it is glorified in The Media, because... reasons (essentially the rené girard model, lol).

[eggdrawsthings]

Hi! I wanted to ask a question and I wasn’t sure if it was too personal or not so just ignore this is you’d rather not answer, but I was wondering if you went to art school or got a degree in it? I really want to start learning and maybe one day start a career in animation and wasn’t sure whether I should spend time and resources getting a degree. I know it’s going to be different for everybody and nothings a guarantee for this field but since I love your style and technical skill I was curious whether you had done that and what were your thoughts on it or if you are self-taught.

Hey anon! No worries it's all good!

Ig I should quickly go through my art journey so you can have an overall look of why I went to art school lol.

So I'm from Vietnam. I think back in 2013 I went to a small art school in Singapore (they were the only one that gave me a scholarship). My major was 3D modeling actually, but during my final year, I realized I only wanted to draw characters for animation. I could already draw decently, so I just read The Silver Way book and built a character design portfolio on my own during this time. I was lucky I got a job as a concept artist at a small animation studio there so I learned a lot from the job. I also did a lot of self-learning and took Woulter Tulp's Expressive Character class on Schoolism.

Then after 3-ish years of working, I got sick of the tiny and dying animation industry in Singapore. I wanna do sth more than just preschool shows and I was severely underpaid lmao. So I quit my job and took the MA VisDev program at AAU. It's a little more affordable cuz u can do 1 year online and the second year on-site. The reason I went to this school even tho i could just take a VisDev class online was cuz i need the visa so i can try to break into the industry in the US.

Now back to your question. Is art school a must? No. Should you still take it? Maybe, depends on your situation. If you can afford it then hell yeah by all means. Art school is great cuz you have professors and peers to help guide you along the way so you won't get lost while trying to figure out your shit. And to have a few years just experimenting and focusing on art is a great experience. Plus you can make a lot of meaningful connections in school and it will help you a long way after you grad. But if you have to go into debt to go to art school, then don't. There are places like Schoolism, CGMA, and Warrior Art Camp where you can pick what class and from whom you wanna learn. If you are not from the US and wanna break into the industry here like me however, then yeah getting a degree is a better bet cuz you can use the student visa and OPT to hopefully get a job here (it's still very very hard tho ngl im struggling rn as we speak lmao). Also, you need a BA to work overseas so there's that too. The hard truth is studios prefer to hire locally than some rando from somewhere else and have to wait for them to relocate and shit, (unless you are exceptionally good and they'd do anything to have you, but that is super rare lol).

Even though I did go to art school, I have to say most of my skills are from self-study. It requires a lot of self-discipline but I'm pretty much obsessed with drawing and I draw everyday so it's not a problem for me. But my friend is not good at that, so she found art school/classes helped her better cuz there are deadlines and instructors to help guide her to reach her goal. So it depends on your learning style tbh.

There is this chart that can help you consider your options. Im sorry it's a very long answer, cuz yes everyone's experience is different. Feel free to drop me another ask if you still have anymore questions tho ^^

Edit: I must also add, though there are online classes and ways to self-learn animation,I do think it only truly benefit you if you know exactly what you wanna do in this industry (for example I already knew i wanna become a character designer for 2d/3D animation specifically so any books/classes i took I tailored it to fit my goal). If you are unsure what you wanna do, then maybe even a cheap animation course will do better, and then you can take extra online classes on the side.

[sgt-tombstone]

remembered your "The 141's (and co.) reactions to The Wobble" post and now i'm curious about how they would react to this:

www. tumblr. com/in-mutual-weirdness/727545670822690816

link, ohhh my god I love that video, it’s one of my favorite improv dance videos

genuinely and realistically, I don’t think any of the 141 would touch anything like that with a twenty-foot pole because toxic masculinity and its associated rigidity is so embedded in military culture

BUT, because we like to have fun here, it reminds me of an au I wanted to write a while ago but never got around to (what else is new lmao) where Ghost was raised in a very strict dancing discipline (think ballet or traditional ballroom dance) where he had to always be in control and within rigid guidelines, but he got hurt in his mid-20s and had to give it up. He has a lot of trauma regarding dance, especially bc his father and dance instructor were horrifically abusive, teaching him to place all of his self-worth on his body and dancing ability, so having to stop is full of mixed emotions.

Then Price, the owner of a dance studio and one of the only people in the dance community that Ghost still trusts, reaches out about an improv dance class he’s holding. The purpose, he tells Ghost, is to spontaneously create movement, to free the body from habitual patterns. Ghost is… skeptical, to say the least. He attends, because Price asked him to, but he’s awful at it. He’s stiff and unyielding, body not used to the freedom that improv dance requires, and he’s constantly stepping on toes or running into his dance partners because they do something unexpected, something outside of the rule set that Ghost had grown up with.

Price convinces him to keep coming back—it’s something that needs practice and perseverance, he argues, but Ghost doesn’t really get better.

And then Soap joins the class.

He’s wild and reckless, full of endless, manic energy, and he’s a riot to dance with. Everyone loves to partner with him because he reacts so effortlessly, his movements fluid and dynamic. He’s a great leader, but he also knows when to be a support for his dance partner. Ghost watches him from the sidelines and hopes that he never gets picked to dance with him.

He does, of course, because the pairings are random and it was bound to happen eventually, and as soon as they meet on the studio floor, Ghost knows it’s going to be a disaster. Their styles are just too different; he’s too rigid, Soap is too fluid; he’s too slow, Soap is too fast; he’s too damaged, Soap is too innocent. It will never work.

But it does, somehow. Ghost sticks to what he knows, the strict regimented dance steps that he’d been taught, that had been drilled into his mind, and Soap… dances around him. He’s always exactly where Ghost needs him to be, adding in a flair between steps, keeping the improv fresh and spontaneous while also consistently returning to Ghost’s side, to his pace, making sure they stay in step the whole time. It’s breath-taking and awe-inspiring and the most terrifying thing that Ghost has ever seen. He’s addicted to it immediately.

Over the course of months, Soap manages to draw Ghost out of his shell, to drag Simon to the surface, and with it comes small measures of freedom. Simon starts deviating slightly, almost self-consciously, tiny little additions that would’ve ended in verbal or physical reprimands in the pst but now only earn blinding grins from Soap. They learn each other’s language without ever speaking, though they start talking a lot too. Soap hangs off of Simon like a burr, constantly chatting on the sidelines as they watch the other dancers, mindless, inane babble that Simon never really pays attention to; he loves the sound of Soap’s voice, and Soap doesn’t mind Simon’s lack of response.

They grow closer and closer, until their dances are so thick with tension that Price genuinely starts to hesitate pairing them together for dances. But he always relents because he knows what Simon has been through, had seen it happen and had been powerless to stop it, and seeing him open up like this is a gift worth all the brain bleaching in the world.

He changes his mind when he catches them in the studio’s supply closet, clothes hanging haphazardly, Simon’s broad back hiding Soap mostly from view but doing nothing to cover his own bare arse, and Price bans them from stepping foot in the studio for a week. They take it like the blessing in disguise it really is and scamper off like embarrassed teenagers, and secretly, after they’ve disappeared, Price can only smile fondly

[wordsnstuff]

Hiya! Just wondering, what unusual and unique ways have helped you get out of a writer's creative block?

Let's talk *briefly* about writer's block.

Yes, this will be long, but I think it will help you.

It's been a long time since I was in a regular posting schedule for this blog, and that is upsetting to me (and many of you, I'm aware). For a significant chunk of that time, I considered writer's block to be the primary reason for this, but looking back on the nearly three years I've spent attempting over and over to return to the schedule and routine I once maintained, I have accepted that writer's block was never the problem. Not the way I thought.

I have, and I'm sure I'm not the only one, always thought of writer's block as if it's a tangible condition or something that happens to you, like a cold. That conclusion always prompted me to seek a solution (for instance, motivational content or exterior inspiration or anything that would enhance my capacity for self discipline). Because I thought of it as something that just developed naturally, I focused very little on the root of the issue and consequently it never seemed to improve.

For most of us, the past three years have ranged from severely abnormal to deeply traumatic, and though a lot of mythology around the process of art and inspiration tells us that conflict and pain inform a good portion of creativity, I have to admit that none of what the world has been through recently has made me want to write. When you and everyone you know have been in a survival mindset for several years, the seemingly trivial pleasure of creating fiction or sharing content about the process feels overwhelming. Every time I've returned to this space that I created long before experiencing any of this turmoil, especially because this turmoil occurred during the dawn of my adulthood, it has felt like a silly attempt at denial.

My writer's block, and I'm sure many others', was not simply a case of burnout or lack of inspiration. It's not that I had been pushing myself too hard without allowing for reasonable time for rest and recharging my mind, or that I simply ran out of ideas or reasons to want to continue. Even when you have the deepest of passion for a craft, you will always be human and therefore always affected by your environment and the events in your life. When you find yourself unable to put the pen to the paper, instead of asking what you can do to change that, ask why you're struggling in the first place. Focus on the cause, not the effect.

For me, a lot of my difficulty with writing has come from my environment and the mindset it has put me in. I am currently in university, so whether I like it or not, I have to write here and there and pull myself together to be able to do that. Every time I do so, I wonder why I can't enforce that same authority on myself for my personal projects, and it's because, for a long while, my environment has not been conducive to that effort. I haven't had the control over my schedule and responsibilities that I used to have, and finding a balance between these responsibilities and my personal goals has has a learning curve. All of these circumstances, for better or worse, have affected my mental state and my ability to write.

I did not have the freedom or even the energy to put in practice the exercises that helped me before, and as a result I haven't been writing. Coming out of that struggle hasn't been a matter of waiting for things to change or get better, it's been putting my energy toward a new process of trial and error. Since accepting that my new reality is here to stay, the priority has been finding new ways to work around it and specifically, work with it. This acceptance can require a lot of difficult reflection, and this can reach beyond your desire to write and into your desire to live a good life in general. It can feel silly or humiliating or patronizing to approach this reflection from the very bottom of things, and this includes the basics.

It may seem silly to consider the basics when the problem feels so extreme, but when you're consistently forgetting the casual maintenance of your mind and body, you will consistently find yourself failing to accomplish much beyond the bare minimum. If you struggle with mental health, this will be even more evident. Basic things like hydration, diet, sleep, movement, interaction, and joy will always be the most effective place to start when addressing why you cannot write. Once you have verified that these needs are met, then the presence of a deeper problem will reveal itself, but you'll never know if that's the case unless you check the other boxes.

So, you've checked the basics and they're all fine but you're still experiencing writer's block. Have you made time in your daily schedule for intentional rest? Are you coming home at the end of a long day and jumping straight into writing or keeping up with your duties at home or simply falling in front of a screen for a few hours? None of these things are rest. Distracting yourself with noise or housekeeping is not rest, and when it's all you do after a full day of other responsibilities, you haven't truly spent a moment with yourself finding fulfilling joy or relaxation. Yes, they can be compelling and very difficult habits within your routine to let go of, especially if you struggle to function without something occupying the back of your mind, but rest is extremely important to the creative process. If you like to scroll online a little bit or watch an episode of your comfort show after you get home to unwind, that's great. But in order to truly take advantage of your free time, try to optimize it by being intentional about the way you're experiencing it. Try not to fall into a routine of distraction because that isn't rest and it won't satisfy any of your needs.

Have you incorporated things into your routine that will contribute to your motivation to write? I don't mean you should put Stephen King quotes as your desktop screensaver or watch videos of people writing to make you want to participate. Those things help some people and that's great, but consuming things that make you think or bring you pleasure like books and well written movies or shows or music or podcasts can be just as impactful as anything else you do for your creative process. It's not just about what you do, it's about how others inspire you, and it's one thing to say you love books and reading and learning, and it's another to actually do them every day like you would wash your face or brush your teeth.

Whether you write as a hobby or an aspiration or a job, the creative process remains the same. It's important to remain consistent with the things you do to maintain your ability to write as much as it is to remain consistent with your actual writing routine. As a general rule of thumb, writer's block doesn't come from nowhere. If you want to alleviate it, you have to target the root of the problem or it will continue appearing on the surface. There is no one-size-fits-all cure to it and there are no "top ten wacky ways I solved years of executive dysfunction with the right chrome extension or tea flavor or candle scent or by typing upside down". This is internal work you will need to do, but it starts with trusting yourself. It is never too late to return to your passion. You will build it back up like a muscle, but you have to heal first.

I sincerely hope this helps,

Kate

–

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[theredofoctober]

MANNA- Part 2

Dark!Hannibal Lecter x Reader x Dark!Will Graham fic, TW for eating disorders, noncon, abuse etc.

---

"What do you see?" asks Hannibal, forcing you, by an immovable hand at the base of your neck, to stare at your reflection in the mirror. "Speak the truth. It won't shock me, nor should you be ashamed of it."

You have already attempted to close your eyes against the glass, and were gently threatened into opening them again. Now you force your gaze to unfocus, refusing Hannibal in a way that even he surely cannot discern.

He says your name into the quiet with a subtle, yet dangerous edge. It is so rarely used now that you jolt almost guiltily, unsure whether, like Will, Dr Lecter can be frenzied to strike you.

Hannibal's threat is more of a sleek, hunting animal, you think, cunning and serene; he can be cruel in a manner of exact and elegant genius, the bruising of the psyche, and the soul.

"Don't disobey me," he says. "You will not welcome my disappointment."

A tremble of doe-like terror wreathes you in its grasp.

"Doctor," you whisper. "I want to quit. I'll pay you the money my parents sent for me to come here; I'm not a child, and I don't need any of this. I'm not playing your game. Please let me go home."

There is certainly no chance that your family are aware of and approve of this treatment; it is torture under a clinical guise, a sinister, sexual sadism.

Still you cannot deny that the longer you remain here, the more you begin to see Hannibal and Will in the roles that they take within these walls: the strict, hard-handed father, the nurturing and gentle dad.

Each are relentless in their goal to reduce you to their supplicant doll, driving you further into the same hungering madness they wish to cure.

"You cannot leave here," says Hannibal, almost affably. "Your family unburdened themselves by releasing you to more comprehending hands. They think less of your wellbeing, and more of the weight that they no longer carry. Do you believe they would accept you back if you were not cured?"

"There is no cure," you say, bitterly. "You said it yourself. No cure, just recovery and maintenance."

Hannibal strokes the back of your neck, soothing you even as you shudder in repulsion.

"And do you trust yourself to do that alone?"

You don't answer, sinking miserably against the man at your back if only so that you do not fall to the floor in your despair.

"Tell me, little one," Hannibal commands, and his left hand comes down your shoulder, across your breast, tracing your hip with the ease of ownership. "What do you see?"

Swaying, crying, you blink at the horror in the looking glass, this imperfect beast in the arms of so evil and oddly beautiful a man.

"Failure," you spit. "It's disgusting."

Hannibal leans into you, breathing in the scent of your hair, and kisses your temple.

"I see a perfect little girl. Or else one with the potential to be."

You shake your head, certain that he is taunting you. That he is not repulsed seems an impossibility; Will certainly makes no attempts to hide his disdain, even when he fucks you.

"I do not lie to my patients," Hannibal insists. "With instruction, discipline, and loving guidance, you will become everything you should already be."

Warmth under your skirt; Hannibal's fingers cupping your wretched heat, pressing themselves into a self-loathing wetness, a sobbing response to his words.

"You shouldn't do this to me," you say, as always, repeated like a prayer, all frantic fervour. "You're my doctor. You're hurting me."

"It's what is required for you to change. Why do you cling to your chrysalis when it no longer serves you? There is no sustenance in it. You hold yourself here because it is safe. Because it is known. You have grown to love the illness like family."

He circles the heart of your folds with fingers that know you with the certainty of language.

"I suggest that you exchange the subject of your affections for those that will return it."

His lips are soft against your neck, an angel come down in a romantic painting, or fallen, rather.

Your vision of the creature in the mirror disappears into a prism of tears.

"You don't love me, really," you whisper. "And Will... he hates me."

Hannibal pushes you forwards, against the mirror, bending your form in a balletic motion. You are glad that you cannot see yourself in such close proximity to the glass, only the pupil of your eye, black and endless.

"He does not hate you," says Hannibal, softly. "He is gripped by desires that anger him, for he neither wants nor understands them."

Your legs are eased apart, and you whimper as a sudden thickness parts you like a scroll.

"Sometimes he watches you when you sleep," Hannibal tells you. "He finds such beauty in you, when you allow yourself to dream."

[siomae]

lessons learned ☕ winter 2024

i have completed the winter quarter!! yay!! i want to reflect on some lessons that i learned during the winter quarter.

🍞 do!! not!! procrastinate!! — i say this to myself every quarter, but this time, i am properly addressing it so that i can avoid procrastination in the next quarter. i had a bad habit of putting my assignments off at the last minute, or turn them in late if late work is accepted. i used to be impressed by my ability to finish a written assignment 30 minutes before the due time, but now i realize that the rush is just not worth it! i want to create work with quality that i can be proud of. better time management and self-discipline will make my next quarter much less stressful.

🍞learn to adapt — different subjects require different methods of learning. what works for one subject, does not always work for others. don't waste time "studying" if your study methods are not actually effective!! figure out which strategies result in better outcomes and focus on that.

🍞communicate with professors — this is especially important if i am taking online classes. one of my main struggles since starting college was not connecting with my professors. the lack of communication makes it so much more difficult to eventually reach out when i need help. go to office hours!! they have it available for students for a reason. advocate for yourself!!

🍞take advantage of resources provided by your school — my school offers free tutoring for students. i haven't visited the tutoring center because i wasn't sure how to ask for help. but i expect that i will need a lot of help next quarter to keep up with the learning material. i will make use of the tutoring services next quarter!

🍞remove distractions — i did a phone detox for a weekend and found that it was the most productive i have been in a long time! i will make an effort to be more conscious of my phone usage. having the discipline to actually turn off my phone and put it in a different room to avoid the temptation of checking my notifications.

🍞sleep! — i'm guilty of revenge bedtime procrastination! sacrificing my sleep for leisure time is not worth the tiredness i feel the next day. again, better time management will lead to more healthy habits.

🍞make time for friends — i learned that i shouldn't isolate myself for too long. studying can get lonely, especially during exam season when i get caught up in studying for long periods. i will try to schedule some time to socialize! it doesn't have to be a long schedule: it can be a quick coffee or lunch for good measure. having some positive interactions helps get me through the stress of school!

i'll be working harder next quarter to make sure that i don't continue having these issues! good luck to everyone taking finals!! 💌

[thedawningofthehour]

Honestly, with that last bit of the latest chapter, I kept thinking about that time Galois was talking to one of the turtles (I’m not sure who anymore) about how corporal punishment was bad for child development, hence why his father Draxum didn‘t discipline him that way and how interesting it was that Splinter did smack them once in a while. It really paints Splinter as the worse parent between the two…until you remember how ‚Galois‘ came to be

I've mentioned this before, but this is really where both their backgrounds and knowledge come to a head. Draxum is Norse, born after the Viking Age-but as we've seen, the Yokai are typically slow to change with the times-and I picture his childhood and culture to be pretty similar to that of Viking-era Scandinavia. And Viking children were actually very gently-raised, despite the reputation of Viking warriors. (I realize that Vikings refer specifically to the warriors and everyone else would be Viking-era Scandinavians, but considering the Faroes aren't technically Scandinavia I'm just using it as a catch-all term) They were mostly raised by their mothers, and while they worked like any other non-aristocrat child would in that age they understood the importance of play and allowing kids freedom to grow and discover themselves, and corporal punishment was not common. They were usually quite close with their parents as well, despite their fathers being away from home so often-Viking warriors would wear necklaces made of their children's shed baby teeth for luck in battle.

Add to that, Draxum is highly educated and child development is one of his areas of study-not what he specialized in, but it was relevant to his work in public health-and the Yokai were more advanced that humans in many subjects for most of history, so the lack of benefits of corporal punishment has been known the the Yokai for a while. (the Yokai also didn't really have Dark Ages or periods of religious fanaticism that choked progress-they had some, but they weren't as widespread and their ability to remain connected through magic negated a lot of the repercussions and allowed the rest of society to keep progressing while they got that out of their system) And, to be completely fair here, Draxum has one kid. That he kidnapped as a teenager, already fairly self-sufficient and didn't need to be taught how to take care of himself. He was able to give Bella and Pax back to their parents for the hard stuff, and by the time they came to live with him full-time Bella was seventeen and Pax just kind of did his own thing, they were both very independent kids who didn't require a lot of hands-on parenting. So he was extremely well-prepared for this fatherhood thing, and got to skip the really tough stuff to boot.

Splinter, meanwhile. Hamato Yoshi was raised with the belief that the world would literally end if he didn't dedicate his life to fighting, if he wasn't willing to die and sacrifice those he loved for the cause. And he was primarily raised by his grandfather, so assuming Yoshi was born somewhere around 1960-65 (which would make him early forties in 2005 when the turtles were 'born' and he was mutated, fitting in with his decade in the Battle Nexus and his acting career spanning from his late teens to early thirties) it's likely that Grandpa Sho was born 1900-1920. So...pre-WWII Japanese guy, in a rural area. Obsessed with tradition and willing to sacrifice his own daughter for the clan. I think it's a pretty safe bet to say he was a proponent of physical discipline, and Yoshi was raised pretty harshly.

He's uneducated, having dropped out of high school to move to the US and pursue his acting career, and never expected to have kids. He wanted his line to end with him, I even mentioned that he got a vasectomy when he was with Big Mama because he didn't want any surprises. He did tons of drugs, lived a violent life even before being forced to fight in death matches, and never once gave a thought to how he'd parent. Until he suddenly became a single father of four.

And he did it with zero help. He didn't have the knowledge Draxum had, no social services that would give him free diapers and no babysitters to let him catch some sleep. He didn't even have a home at first, he had to search for a place to keep them safe and hidden and scavenge for food and toys, all while juggling four kids. His kids were super-soldiers, designed to hurt people-and when they got old enough to rough-house, it became very clear that they could hurt each other. And Splinter had to stop Raph from putting his brothers through the drywall because god knows he can't take them to a hospital, and a quick slap hurts less than if Raph had to live with accidentally maiming or killing one of his brothers.

So to me, it was less of a choice and more that corporal punishment was the only way Splinter really knew how to parent. He was exhausted and didn't know how to talk to kids and if he didn't get his point across it could have disastrous consequences for them. So he raised them much in the way his grandfather raised him. It keeps them alive, and Splinter doesn't really have the luxury of prioritizing anything else. After a while he becomes numb to it. So the O'Neils criticizing his use of corporal punishment makes him mad, because it's real easy for them to say that when they hadn't gone through what he had. He did the best he could. How dare they say it wasn't good enough.

[thegoobiedoober]

I'm itching

Can you please tell me what the hell iw wrong with me?

Really weird ask, but I'll try to answer?

Ok, so here's what I can say.

You worry a lot about the well-being of your friends, kinda to the point where you get terrified that they're dead or in critical condition. This could stem from past experiences that have had a similar pattern.

You don't have many irl connections outside of family. This might be making you feel like the connections you do have are a requirement on the end of your family members, meaning you feel these things aren't earned.

You think your accomplishments so far aren't much, and you curse at yourself for making mistakes. This is too acidic to your brain gears, and even though you've seen it first-hand how forgiving your environment is, you still convince yourself you're not good enough. This is not healthy in the slightest, your brain gears can't keep going with this.

You've lost quite a few things that were precious to you, and you haven't quite processed it yet. But to quote that one song by Tree, "All good things come to an end, / It's just the way it's always been. / It's might not seem that fair to you, / But it is the start of something new." Yeah, sure, you know that song because of a friend you aren't really able to talk to anymore, but it's a positive thing that was left behind, yes?

You question if people would miss you if you just up and left one day. This has been proven wrong on several occasions. Your siblings miss you when you're at work. Mom, Dad, and Grandma worry about you when you leave the house because they don't want you to get hurt. And if you need to cool off somewhere, several family members said you could stay over whenever. Like, holy shit, deluding yourself into thinking nobody really cares about you is only that toxic edgelord shit that hurts everyone around you.

You are currently getting out of a self-deprecating part of your life. It's really tempting to make "Doober the Illiterate" jokes at yourself again, but that only really opens the door for more negativity that winds up pushing others away. People notice it.

You forget to take care of yourself tbh. You're addicted to caffeine, drink coffee, energy drinks, and Arizonas more than actually drinking water, and you hadn't consistently eaten any healthier. Those veggie trays at the minimart are OK, but you stopped eating those for some reason. You lack that discipline because taking care of yourself feels... lame? It's not, though. You often feel a little better afterward and, in general, feel the difference.

So, tl;dr: It's ok to hurt, life is super complicated, but you gotta push on because people love you, and because of that, you gotta learn how to love yourself, and you gotta learn to heal.

Imagine the bad thoughts as something a hater would say. And then spite those bad thoughts for the heck of it.

[drbased]

In my experience, depression is what happens when I don't trust myself, when I don't take myself seriously, when I believe that there are things I 'should' believe and things I 'should' do and ways I 'should' behave. My depression felt like a form of rebellion against the world that says I should be fine with my childhood, or maybe even have deserved what happened to me - but I now understand that my depression was not a rebellion but rather a panicked outsourcing of my pain. If I keep the misery going, if I can make grandiose statements on the nature of how messed up life is, if I can just show them, show them all, that I am *not* happy and this is *not* how life should be... then I've made my sadness meaningful because it has a justification that can be universally understood and acknowledged, and I've found 'proof' that I deserve to be sad because other people can feel empathy for me. I made my sadness so big because the idea that I was sad about something that I percieved to be small - or, I was worried others would percieve it to be small - was so humiliating it wasn't even worth addressing. I couldn't just trust myself, take my own sadness seriously - it had to be worth something to someone else, it had to be bigger than me. The eventual realisation I had to make is that my emotions are my own: I'm allowed to be sad, to be angry, to be irritated, about whatever the hell I want - and this only becomes a 'pathology' when I suppress it and either cover it up with comfort-seeking, or only allow it to come out in the form of a huge grandiose breakdown worthy of a gothic novel, or obsess over trying to 'prove' it right, procrastinating on ever feeling it fully. Depression, for me, was the result of procrastinating on my own feelings until I reach periods where I cannot take it anymore. It's a lack of honesty, a feeling that the only value of my emotions is to some external judge. Instead, I came to recognie that my feelings are mine and they're worth something purely because they're mine and I can have weird opinions and be opinionated and that's just being a person and having a personality. Depression was how I chipped away at myself because I was terrified and humiliated over the reality of me simply being a normal human being and generating meaning through something as mundane as my normal human life and giving it value simply because it's my life.

In many ways, my depression, symbolic state of mind, and pathological demand avoidance all have this void of personality as the origin. Saying 'I have depression' makes it sound as if depression is an addition to your personality; a tumour that should be artificially removed. But my depression is an attempt to make meaning where I was specifically avoiding seeking meaning in my own mundane life. It is an attempt to justify my emotion because I see my emotions as a personal failing. It is an outsourcing of my personhood to some nebulous watcher and judger, who I can meet at the pearly gates and can tell me I achieved success as a person - I was disciplined, I was moral, I did everything right. Even my thoughts were right, because I'd made sure of that, and my emotions were right, as I'd put them under constant examination and reflection. The symbolic state of mind requires that there is an external judgment, just as pda does, just as, so I found, depression does. All of them exist inside my mind to address the exact same problem: that as a person, I do not feel that I exist for me - I'm put on this earth to be a problem-solver, and because I think and feel deeply, I have an obligation to be 'of use' to the rest of the world. After all, if you look at it logically, I am but one person, and if it's my minor discomfort vs the discomfort of others then it's one versus many, and the many takes precedent over the all. But it went deeper than that - I was so disconnected from my reality as a human being that my conscious self percieved 'me' as a category of person to take into consideration when making my moral and logically correct decisions. So I would go to a restaurant and think 'this is what drbased would like, so I will order that - oh no, but that's really pricey and drbased doesn't like to pay that much, so I guess I should go for the cheaper option? Oh, now I feel really bad for some reason...', or go to boardgaming event and think 'drbased likes this game, but also drbased likes those people playing that other game - so, holy shit, which should I chose??? what's the right decision to make??? what ticks the most boxes???' I never consciously thought of myself in the third person, but after much introspection I realised that that's ultimately the attitude I went into everything with: every decision had to be weighed up against all factors of varying importance, and every time something didn't turn out perfectly I'd be left with this itching sense of disappointment that could follow me for days, months or even years.

Symbolic state: provides the sense of external judgement; my spiritual beliefs planted in me an idea that I could treat life like a perpetual classroom, and I could use external stimuli as 'proof' I was doing life correctly. This provides the underlying mechanism in which I lose the wisdom of understanding that I exist and make choices for me. There's a simplicity to it - I don't have to worry about anything as measly and pathetic as my feelings, and instead I make my decisions based on a set of moral and logical rules that, if for some reason it could ever happen, I could defend fully in court. And in turn, instead of feeling any real sense of satisfaction, achievement, and self-love, I could instead turn life into a collection of stimuli that gave me a euphoric buzz. Symbolic states became the mechanism by which I lost myself and also the mechanism by which I could cope with losing myself.

Depression: I now understand that I first developed depression when I believed that leaving school and starting university would magically change my whole life and make me feel entirely different in some nebulous way. Ironically, that actually did happen, but clearly not to the extent that I ever wanted to admit to myself - it's embarrassing to admit to myself that I wanted something impossible, so instead of ever accepting that fact about me, I suppressed it, and thus began the obsessive process of constantly re-evaluating everything that happens to me so I decide if I'm 'allowed' to feel negative about it or not.

PDA: The seeds of PDA were planted as a teenager but the feeling of unease truly started to grow from when my depression started and reached its height about 6-ish years ago. I started off with a very specific life goal, but hindsight is 20-20 and I had no idea at the time how much I was internalising this idea that everything I do is up for scrutiny, that I'm not allowed to be a flawed human being with weird opinions and habits. Everything I did had to be quirky, had to be aesthetic (feeding into, and fed by, the symbolic states), had to be meaningful by some exterior metric. By the time I was in my early 20s I had noticed that everything I did was highly calculated and had multiple reasons behind it. I remember thinking at the time it was an interesting observation about myself, but several years later I was screaming and crying about how I feel uncomfortable literally all of the time and how everything I do, I want to do something else. I was in low-level hell, always feeling obligated to do something and feeling a deep, gnawing sense of disappointment when things went 'wrong'. Now I understand that when I succumb to obligation, I feel a sense of internal betrayal and a creeping feeling of depression. If I have a depressive crash, it's entirely related to me blocking out some emotion and/or feeling as if I 'should' do a certain obligation. The more I accept myself, and the more I choose, the further I stray from showing the typical depression symptoms.

If any of this seems relatable to you, then I implore that you learn to listen to yourself, to accept things inside yourself which feel embarrassing to admit, to say 'fuck you, I am allowed to feel sad about x thing in my past - or, rather, no one is disallowing me to feel that way', to reframe things in your life from an external obligation to something you want to do because it benefits you. I don't have a clinical background and therefore cannot say that depression only comes from this sort of origin, but I have a stong inkling from not just witnessing it in myself but in others - denial of yourself absolutely destroys you from within, and necessarily so when you think about, for the medium is the message: everytime I succumbed to obligation, I told myself that what I want is not enough, that I am always beholden to forces bigger than me. One of the main things I have learned from this journey is that your mind is always listening in to everything you do and say about yourself, and that ultimately, you cannot hide from yourself. Learning to be honest with yourself and face embarrassment of your mundane life head-on are paramount steps in giving yourself a foundation of self-love that, in my case at least, allowed to me to not be Depressed(TM) anymore.

[hotsuqueen]

Yamato Hotsuin's Recordbreaker Dialogue - Friday

Yamato & Io dialogue below the cut

Friday 06:30 Yamato & Io

Nagata-cho Tokyo Branch

You find Io speaking to Yamato…

Yamato: Yes, Nitta? What do you want?

Io: Er… I-I wanted to ask you something. Why did you, um…

Yamato: I've seen this for some time now. You are wise and open-minded, Nitta, but rather poor at relationships. It is a noticeable defect.

Io: S-Sorry, I'll try to keep that in mind.

Yamato: So long as you understand. Now, what do you want? Keep it brief, please.

Io: Wh-Why did you say those things when you know they could cause a split?

Yamato: Hahaha! A split? How very amusing. I assume you mean my speech about the meritocracy.

Io: Wh-What's so funny? You… You hide things from people, make them angry and scared! How is that funny?

Yamato: Silence, girl. It is not required that you understand. Think what you will.

Io: Why do you say things like that? If you were nicer, people would be more understanding.

Yamato: I don't doubt it. That is how the world rotted in the first place.

Io: What…!? Rotted?

Yamato: Nitta, you must be quite happy with the status quo. All your good intentions and sincere endeavors will never succeed over self-interest. No one takes the long view. Any civility man maintains is only to prevent the loss of social benefits. Those dregs are worthless! They rise up while the worthy are crushed underfoot! What is the point in such a world? To be a true leader, one must jettison the past that has built up like so much filth! If no one else will do it, then I must. I'll fight to the bitter end, even if I stand alone!

Io: But… I…! E-Excuse me!

Io rushes from the room…

Yamato: Now then. You're here, aren't you, Hibiki?

Hibiki Kuze: - I wasn't hiding that well. - No, I'm not! - Don't be cruel to Io!

I wasn't hiding that well. Yamato: Hahaha! You knew I noticed your presence, didn't you?

No, I'm not! Yamato: *sigh* How flippant. You knew that I noticed your presence, didn't you?

Don't be cruel to Io! Yamato: Oh, is that one yours? Pardon me for saying so, but she seems to lack discipline.

Yamato: I can see the pawns have begun to think. Now, the question is: What conclusion will they reach?

Hibiki Kuze: - Same goes for Ronaldo. - It'll vary, I think.

Same goes for Ronaldo. Yamato: The fool in Nagoya? He is trivial. If he gets in my way, I will crush him. That is all.

It'll vary, I think. Yamato: Indeed it will. But regardless of what anyone thinks, I'll not waver from this path.

Yamato: No matter how desperately they struggle, only one world can be made. Only one world is worthy of being made. Those filth waste their lives propping each other up. If they cannot agree to my merit system, then I will gladly sacrifice every last one for my ideal. I do respect you. I won't force you to my side, but I hope you will consider this carefully.

Yamato gracefully salutes before leaving…

---

Yamato telling Io she sucks at relationships absolutely clotheslined me the first time I ever heard it, and the fact that her only response is 'oh ok' and not laughing her ass off just kills me. NOT LIKE YOU, RIGHT, BUDDY?!

I also felt a lot of feelings about Yamato assuming that Io is 'Hibiki's' if you choose to defend her, and while I'm not sure that they're necessarily good ones, I do find it interesting that he's not totally oblivious to romance. He has a pretty snobby attitude about anything sex-adjacent, but he clearly has some understanding.

'It is a noticeable defect' y'all, I can't

[changingplumbob]

York Household: Chapter 8, Part 6

Time to move in Paris! First up a look at the foster home she's been living in, and it's manager. Then back home Deanna finally finishes the robotics project she's been working on and Paris ages up.

Here we have Ms Gallheizer's Orphanage built by EA ID: Chronicll

Paris: Home sweet hell

Deanna: At least you're finally leaving

Paris: Hopefully everyone will be eating and we can slip in unnoticed

Aaron: We do have to tell the manager you're leaving though, legally speaking

Paris: She'll be thrilled

Deanna: Should we go find her

Paris: We'd better not disturb dinner

Ms G: Where have you been

Paris: I signed out for the afternoon

Ms G: But not the evening. Dinner is at 5:30 sharp and you are late. Again!

Paris: Sorry

Ms G: Don't say sorry, be better girl! You've been here long enough to know

Paris: It won't happen again Ms Gallheizer, because I'm leaving

Ms G: It's not your birthday yet so get upstairs and be glad I kept your dinner portion aside

Paris: I...

Ms G: No smart reply? Of course that would require being smart

Aaron: Perhaps I should introduce myself

Ms G: Why? You a cop?

Ms G: A social worker?

Aaron: Well no-

Ms G: Then you have no authority under my roof

Aaron: I'm a lawyer

Ms G: Sure you are

Aaron: Mr York, prosecutor in Tartosa

Ms G: We're not in Tartosa Mr York

Aaron: Perhaps we should talk in your office, Paris has things to do

Ms G: On that we agree

Deanna: She is exactly like you described, maybe a bit worse

Paris: You think your pa can sort it

Deanna: He can be your legal guardian for a day, no problem, promise

Paris: My room is this way

Deanna: I didn't hear much from the dining room

Paris: No talking allowed at dinner, one of the first rules we learn

Deanna: What a hag

Aaron: Her birthday is only tomorrow, she would have to leave then anyway

Ms G: Be that as it may this is highly irregular. I raise my kids to be independent dependable members of society, not run under their girlfriends skirts

Aaron: You certainly can turn a phrase

Ms G: Paris has no self discipline, give her an inch she will run a mile. How do I know you can provide a suitable environment

Aaron: It's just one day

Calista: Is this the right room

Aaron: This is my wife, Captain York

Ms G: Captain?

Calista: Is there a problem here amore

Aaron: Ms Gallheizer had some doubts about our parental skills

Calista: Did she now

Ms G: Well- Perhaps I jumped the gun

Aaron: So we can take her home

Ms G: Why you would want to is beyond me. But yes, I'll get you the forms

Paris: It's strange, these four walls have been my life for almost a decade

Deanna: No posters

Paris: *shrilly* no damaging the walls

Deanna: *laughs* feel free to coat our walls at home

Paris: Home sounds nice

Deanna: Ready to leave it behind

Paris: Babe, did you notice I already packed

Deanna: *laughs* I did

Kelly: My tooth still isn't out yet

Calista: It'll fall out, don't worry

Kelly: What if I accidentally eat it

Aaron: I did that once, I survived

Calista: Aaron! Chin up caro, you'll be okay

After dinner Kelly mopes to mantis for a while before deciding to just pull it out. Success! Evil laugh!

Paris gets her stuff moved in and Deanna welcomes her with a celebratory pillow fight.

Paris: Your pillows are so poofy

Deanna: All the better to hit you with

Paris: Oh two can play at that game babe

Deanna: I hope you enjoy losing

Paris: In your dreams. En garde!

In the end Paris concedes the fight. She does a quick bit of study for her exams tomorrow then happily climbs in to bed beside her favourite person.

Paris woke up early from a horrible nightmare so decides to polish off her homework until Deanna wakes up.

Deanna: Happy birthday baby

Paris: Thanks. I'm not looking forward to these exams, thank the watcher they're my last

Deanna: You'll be great

Paris: I average a c miss valedictorian but thanks

Deanna: And Joey helped me make you a cake

Paris: I don't suppose I could just age up now

Deanna: No way, you go crush those exams, then come home. We'll celebrate then baby

Paris: Okay, last day of high school, here I go!

Calista had another awful nightmare so works out early to try chase the scare away. She reaches level 10 fitness and discovers she is a perfectionist. I might need to make the skill gain even slower than it already is at this rate! Deanna finally finishes... whatever the heck this thing is.

Pictures of the quadcopter doing quad-copter things

To my complete surprise, but not Deanna's, Paris absolutely aced her final exams! It's finally age up time for her and as she makes a wish Deanna cheers her on. Deanna did a cute little song as well. Paris rolls Creative as her third trait which compliments her cuisine hobby that she rolled earlier.

Deanna: Want to go on a date

Paris: With you? Absolutely babe

Deanna: I'm thinking, beachside

Paris: Sounds perfect

The two head to central Tartosa and take some time to soak in the romantic atmosphere.

Paris: It's so lovely here, and no snow

Deanna: Snow can be good for snuggling

Paris: Maybe so

Paris: But we don't need snow to snuggle

Deanna: I love you baby

Paris: Right back at you babe

They share a kiss and a cuddle

Paris: That sunset is stunning

Deanna: You're stunning

Paris: De, we're in public

Deanna: What do you want to do then

Paris: Play in a g rated way, come on

Deanna: I haven't built a sandcastle in ages

Paris: I won't hold it against you. I've always loved making them. My parents...

Deanna: Did they help

Paris: Yeah, we made them as a family. Once we made one as big as me. I wasn't a tall toddler but still

Deanna: Do you have any photos

Paris: A couple

Paris: Photos of my parents that is, not the sandcastles. They only exist in my memory now

Deanna: I think we did a pretty good job with this one, a castle for my princess

Paris: You're sweet

Deanna: Sometimes

Paris: All times De, I know it

Deanna: And you're happy, with us?

Paris: I am babe

And this chapter wraps up back home with everyone in their right beds. I had to take some shots of the house again as I love property pictures, and sleeping pictures, to bookend my chapters.

Previous Part ... Next Part (New Goth)

[voidspearzhovae]

Tagged by @baldursghaik !

Let's do this meme!!!!!

________

Phobias and other fears:

As loathe as he is to admit it, female drow and Lolth herself. Zhovae tries to use his fear to enhance his combat and senses regarding his previous captors, but sometimes if he feels cornered he can let those fears be paralyzing.

Pet peeves:

He *hates* liars. He also dislikes pranks, and has no issue talking to people about his displeasure.

3 things you can always find in their bedroom:

His armor, his spear, and his polishing kit for both. Always battle ready and sleek!

First thing they notice in a person:

Body language and eye color. He is highly mistrustful of new people, and reading intentions before they can move is a skill he has honed over many years.

On a scale of 1-10 how high is their pain tolerance?

8. Zhovae has Endured a lot, and knows that when it comes down to, you have to push through pain. He also is intimately acquainted with it, as his tattoos were all done by his own hand, a painful, painstaking process that required a lot of self-discipline.

Do they go into fight or flight mode when under pressure?

Both? He does tend to stand his ground, but he's very analytical regarding his enemies. If he believes he can win, he will stay, but he's not above retreat if it's the better option.

Do they come from big family/are they a family person?

Zhovae's family was non-existant, as he was born from a drow who did not represent a noble house. He was immediately taken and raised as an artisan-class, then later a fighter. He does not know his true parents' identities, and family is a fairly foreign concept for him.

What animal represents them best?

Barn Owl. Silent, nocturnal, deadly, and elegant. A predator.

What is a smell they dislike?

Dried blood. He has a habit of cleaning his weapons and gear immediately after a fight to avoid this. It isn't debilitating, he just is reminded of past wounds and enviroments he was subjected to.

Have they broken any bones?

Yes, both his own and other people's. His own include a couple fingers, a rib, and his jaw.

How would a stranger likely describe them?

I'll quote an excerpt from a short story I'm writing:

"Oi saw 'im oi did! Black skin, eyes like th' fires o' hell, a demon wi' white tattoos! 'Bout shat meself, crept up loike nothin' else, a whisper o' wind or summat. Bloody drowish assassin oi'd wager."

Are they a night owl or a morning bird?

Night owl. It's preferable to travel when the sun isn't shining, not just to avoid people, but to avoid the sun itself.

What is a flavor they hate and a flavor they love?

Absolutely hate hazelnuts. Unknown why, but there it is. He loves the taste of spring water, he finds it sweet!

Do they have any hobbies?

Zhovae enjoys tattooing, reading, and martial dance as his hobbies. He's a practitioner of "Skikudis Alure", the "Steel Dance", a combination of dance like spear forms.

Boom, surprise birthday party! How do they react to this surprise?

Somewhat poorly at first? Surprises are not his favorite, but once he settle down I'm sure he'd be moved that people actually cared enough to celebrate him. Probably some confusion for that same reason.

Do they like to wear jewelry?

Only some small steel loop earrings, he's fairly spartan in his appearance otherwise.

Do they have messy handwriting?

No, actually. He learned to write from his books, and since he did his own tattoo work, you can tell his hand and sense of movement is deliberate and elegant.

What are the two emotions they feel the most?

Sadly he feels suspicion and anger the most, but it is getting less and less the more he lives his life with those he actually trusts.

Do they have a fabric?

Hmm. Clean linen, the type in basic tunics.

What kind of accent do they have?

Rough whisper/low voice, some British influence on certain words. He's quiet but forceful in his speech.

_________

Thanks for the tag!!!! I dunno who else would wanna do this, but if you're following me, give it go!

[winchester-reload]

Hello :)

First of all I need to say: your art is so, so lovely and beautiful and makes me smile every time that it graces my dash <3

Second of all, I know that you are also a writer next to a painter, so I have a question: How do you get yourself to write? As someone who draws more often than they write (even though I have been writing a lot as a child), I find it hard to just do it. Art feels so much faster and straight to the point, while writing requires so much structure, planning, consistency, and background knowledge of the lore and the characters. Therefore it feels harder for me to just let loose and go off, as you can do while drawing. It feels really overwhelming sometimes. I don't know if you suffer from similar struggles or not, but do you have any advice for sitting down and actually doing it?

Well, anon. I wish I had an answer to this. The last actual thing I wrote (and published) was over two years ago*, unfortunately. It seems sometimes it really is just easier to sit down and do art. Like you said, that doesn't necessarily mean art is easier, just that it takes less critical thinking.

And yeah, of course, I experience this too. It's largely one of the reasons I haven't written anything in the last two years. I've been slowly pulling myself out of some extreme burnout. (Don't worry, I'm good now).

I mean, I can give the cliche advice here and say, as with anything, it's discipline and routine that help get it done. If you schedule a time to write each day and make sure you sit down to do it--whether you feel like it or not--you will write something. It's true. It will work.

But more than that, I think it's better to realize a lot of this problem--the "spinning your wheels" feel of writing--is an overthinking problem. Sometimes for me, if I call myself out on the fact that I'm overthinking something, it makes it easier to get over. So try that?

I find that self-discipline, kindness, and awareness are the key components to getting unstuck.

Then, don't think about it. Just do it. Write something, and then write something else. Eventually, the writing will get done.

That's my approach, anyway. I hope that helps a little.

*And, yes, I am still working on the end of this fic. I have 30k of it written, actually. I would post it, but I've already made people wait two years for it, so I don't want to post anything incomplete.