#i'm here asking the important questions like investigative journalism

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Clownfall: the Election Cometh

It's a long one, lads. Buckle up, get comfy, but the circus is in town for its final run. Ambient music as you read can be found here or here, take your pick. Get popcorn. Get snacks and water and a blanket.

Are you sitting comfortably?

Wednesday 22nd May

7.12am

Household favourite and queen of our hearts Pippa Crerar of the Guardian (her who did the investigative journalism that revealed PartyGate to the world) reports that UK inflation fell to a mere, paltry 2.3% in April.  The lowest level in three years!  Huzzah! But … still smaller than the decline that was expected. 

Nonetheless, Rishi Sunak and Jeremy Cunt whoops I'm so sorry I meant Cunt haha whoops said it again make a big fuss about how brilliant this news is, and how it shows that they are Good At Maffs after all that trouble with Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng, who defined themselves as being Good At Maffs and then obliterated the economy in a single day.  Remember that! Good times. But hey, look, THIS PM/Grand Vizier combo are great at this! Inflation has fallen! Stop looking at the predicted rate! A fall is still a fall!

Crerar wonders whether people will actually feel better off, though – prices and mortgage rates are still high, after all. Food for thought.

10.04am

Jeremy Hunt is asked on the Today programme whether Sunak will call a general election.

Now, the logic here is that the government is likely to do better in an election if the economy’s improving; which, SunakCunt are now shrieking from the rooftops. So, is now the time? It's a win, and they've had so few of those, but historically people really do like to fall for the right wing = better economy myth... 

BUT – the Tories are doing so very badly in the polls.  Journalists favour the idea of an autumn election.  Tories do better when the weather’s bad, because fewer people go out and vote.

 “Well that’s a matter for the prime minister, it’s not a matter for me,” says Cunt. 

... Well.  Not ruling it out, then? Diddorol.

10.30am

It's Wednesday, aka the date that Tory cabinet ministers have their weekly meeting. They are duly sent the agenda.

There is no mention at all of an election announcement, nor any plan for an election.

Fair enough! 'Twas an idle thought. Plus, it would actually be bad timing from a logistical perspective - David Cameron, Foreign Secretary and Bae of Pigs, is currently flying out to Albania for an important international meeting, and Jeremy Cunt is on TV all day today - ITV next.

12.18pm

Sunak is asked at Prime Minister’s Questions whether he’ll call a general election.  He doesn’t rule it out.

12.56pm

Fun tweet alert!

2.31pm

Pippa Crerar asked Sunak’s press secretary whether he was calling an election.  She refused to comment.

Surely it’s a terrible time to call an election! Everyone hates them!  But suddenly …

A Cabinet meeting is scheduled for 4.15pm.  David Hameron suddenly u-turns in Albania and comes straight back home, his meeting un-met.  Jeremy Cunt cancels his ITV appearance.  The afternoon meeting is cancelled. Number 10 stops responding to journalists.  Manifesto work has stepped up.  Sunak’s chief-of-staff is spotted wearing a suit and tie WHICH IS UNUSUAL.  Senior ministers have spent the last few days doubling down on dividing lines.  And Tory bosses had a meeting this week to discuss how much money they could spend before a summer election.

The UK press sense blood in the water.

3pm

Okay.

There’s something you need to understand:

People suspect Rishi Sunak doesn’t actually want to live in the UK.  He’d prefer to be in California.  He’s here because he’s an MP.

You need to know this to understand this truly historic incident.

Nadine Dorries has produced a good tweet.

...

...

...

No, we all need to sit with this one for a minute

(For the record... to us, that is an excellent joke. But I strongly suspect she wasn't joking and was trying to make a catty accusation instead, which coincidentally appeared like a roast.

Scientists are referring to this as Stopped Clock Syndrome.)

5.17pm

With great dignity, Rishi Sunak stands outside Number 10 and announces a general election on 4 July.

And by “great dignity”, I mean he’s soaked by rain, while “Things Can Only Get Better” plays in the background courtesy of an anti-Tory protestor with a big speaker and a dream; the song adopted by he Labour Party for the 1997 election, where Tony Blair famously won a landslide victory after 18 years of Tory rule. Eventually, the volume of it is raised so high Sunak is, on more than one level, drowned out.

5.37pm

According to Gabriel Pogrund of the Times, Labour can’t believe Number 10 allowed this to happen.

One Labour insider texts: “Umbrellas are woke”

6.06pm

Good tweet alert!

8pm

A later Guardian article reports that Sunak greeted around a hundred Tory activists – still wearing the same rain-soaked trousers from the announcement.

No word at all on why he doesn't have aides capable of fetching him dry trousers. Perhaps those, too, are woke.

8.14pm

A Sky News reporter is at Sunak’s campaign launch.  But, bafflingly, he’s forcibly removed.  Extraordinary scenes

Elanor's Pro Tip: Removing a journalist may not be the best PR move for the start of an election trail.

8.27pm

9.36pm

A GBNews reporter claims that some Tory MPs are trying desperately to replace Sunak as leader in order to call off the general election.  For this to work, they’d need a vote of no confidence before the dissolution of parliament on Thursday 30 May.  Except actually, that would have to happen before the proroguing of parliament on Friday 24 May.

So … this won’t work.  But how very incredible - and hilarious - that they’re trying.

10.39pm

Let's take a look at the evening headlines!

A great start to Sunak’s campaign, with newspapers - including the Tory giant The Telegraph - celebrating the triumphant launch of his campaign:

Well! WHAT a day! Let's see how Thursday goes.

Thursday 23 May

8.00am

The BBC takes a moment to gleefully throw off the shackles of political oppression of the last 12 years to reveal that Rishi Sunak's announcement of a July election, the single most important announcement for a sitting government, the most sensitive and vitally-timed event in their calendar...

Was a total surprise to the rest of the party.

Tory party MPs found out when we did that they were about to have to campaign again. For a snap GE. Three weeks after having just done it for the council elections, in which they experienced the greatest single loss of their councillors in history. Even the damn meeting agenda was fake.

Still. Perhaps this explains the lack of umbrella or trousers.

9.09am

Nigel Farage confirms he will NOT stand at the general election. 

*pause for applause*

That’s because he’s helping Trump get re-elected in the US right now.

*pause for screams*

This is good news for the Tories!  And the rest of Britain, actually (commiserations to America. Please shoot him). Farage’s right-wing populist party - Reform UK - is the spiritual successor to UKIP and the Brexit Party, who’ve been splitting the right-wing vote for years.  Farage is popular; it’s bad news for Reform if he’s not part of their campaign, but simply fantastic news for those of us who think queer folks, women and people of colour deserve human rights.

9.19am

According to BBC News and others, Sunak has hired Isaac Levido, the election strategist behind the Tories’ landslide win in 2019.  Levido knows his stuff, and advised Sunak to stick with an autumn election.

Sunak ignored this advice.  Lol.

9.20am

In the Guardian, Sunak says there WON’T be planes of immigrants flying to Rwanda before the general election.  Good news for those of us who think it’s monstrous to deport immigrants to countries with unsafe governments.  Bad news for Tory voters who were hoping to get racists to vote for them.

Now, this is particularly funny, because promising to deport refugees to Rwanda in spite of overwhelming legal opposition on human rights grounds is probably the single hill that the Tories have chosen to commit genocide on. This bill has been in and out of every court in the land since they promised it in 2019. It's been on again off again more than a tawdry tabloid romance. But, they finally managed to push it through, and the first planes were set to fly in July.

This means! That Sunak's strongest cards going into the election were the drop in inflation, and the Rwanda bill. He could sell it as "In spite of those bleeding heart liberals, we persevered and managed to tenaciously get rid of these browns and thus fulfilled our promise", and the fact that it won't actually affect the immigration numbers wouldn't be clear until after the election. And make no mistake, it is VITAL that those planes fly before any election - quoth one influential Conservative MP on the right of the party to the BBC:

“I know what question you’re going to ask us again and again. "You’ll say we’ve been banging on about Rwanda for years and we’ve only managed to fly one migrant out there - and we paid him to go”.

It took a single day for that gamble to dramatically fail.

Lol. Lmao, even. One might almost say rofl.

9.21am

Sunak is emphasising his own role in managing the economy.

The Guardian’s Rowena Mason points out that it might be better to sell this as a Tory victory rather than a Sunak victory, considering how badly Sunak’s doing as an individual in the polls.

10.45am

I'm obviously giving a lot of attention here to the funniest and most ridiculous stuff, but let’s take a moment to celebrate some genuinely brilliant journalism:

0_o

The whole article’s worth reading. It confirms that at least one more hi-vis wearer was a Tory councillor in disguise (in this case Ben Hall-Evans). Perhaps this is why they started by removing all the real journalists.

12.42pm

Sunak’s campaign takes him to a brewery in Wales!  He attempts some Bonding With The Working Man and asks the workers if they’re excited for the football.

Top tip: if you don’t realise the country you’re in hasn’t qualified for the Euros, maybe don’t even mention the subject.

6.55pm

... here is a new problem. Ish.

As mentioned, three weeks ago, England held local council elections. In that time, the Tories lost over half their councillors; an unprecedented and staggering loss in one event. We are all still bathing in the schadenfreude.

But, many of those then left the party (probably fairly, actually - monsters though Tories are, that cannot have been fun.) But, the way politics in the UK works is that when you vote, you don't vote for the party - you vote for your local representative, and then it's a numbers game as to which party gets to rule. This means, with this sudden last-minute possibly-impulsively-declared-by-one-soggy-madman election now six weeks away, those candidates all need replacing so that the Tories will have a shot at getting the numbers they need to form a majority government.

Channel 4’s Paul McNamara reports that Conservative HQ have emailed asking for candidates in almost 100 seats.  The deadline’s tight for this – and apparently, joining the lengthening list of people who weren't informed of this stupid election plan, Tory associations are livid at being left so unprepared.

Now, a lot of these seats are Labour strongholds, so you don’t necessarily need more than a token Tory candidate for them. Phew! A great relief.

But some of them are actually good Tory seats. Uh oh!  Basildon, Bury St Edmunds, Wellingborough and Rushden …  It’s a bad hit to the Tories to have so little time to find good candidates for these seats.

8.59pm

Labour launch a campaign video.  It’s long, but the message is, “Remember life before the Tories got into power?  Wasn’t it BRILLIANT?”

And to prove how great 2009 was, they’ve included a clip of David Tennant’s Dr Who saying “I don’t want to go.”

Lol.

9.57pm

Filmmaker Richard Cubitt jokily suggests he could stand as a Tory candidate, and immediately defect to Labour as soon as possible once elected.

I don’t know if the deadline’s closed, but I am now speaking to the chat. Lads: the time will never be better. Do it. Tell the Tories you'll stand for them. Immediately defect. You have the opportunity to do the funniest thing. Be the rot in the barrel. The time is now.

ANYWAY. Oh boy. Day one of campaigning was quite bad. Ah well! Onwards and upwards for Wali Heb Broli. Let's see what Friday brings.

And of course: the losses are staggering (100 candidates!), but it could be worse.

At least it's not senior MPs.

Friday 24 May

7.00am

Over 70 MPs confirm they will not be standing for re-election.

7.35am

It’ll be lovely to see this election get rid of some truly awful Tories.  But no need to wait that long!  John Redwood stands down.  I haven't mentioned him before, but let's look at his clownface eggshell.

He opposed reducing the age of consent for homosexuality in 1994 and 1999, he voted to keep Section 28 in 2003, he opposed same sex marriage, he voted to reintroduce the death penalty in 1988, 1990 and 1994, he’s argued against Greta Thunberg over the UK’s climate emissions.

Although English, he became Secretary of State for Wales in 1993, and at a Tory conference, had to mime badly to the Welsh national anthem which he hadn’t bothered learning.  In 1995, he cheated Wales out of a £100 million grant by returning it unspent to the treasury, so it could go back to England.

So, John – if by some fantastically rare chance you’re somehow reading this – it’s wonderful to see you step down.  I wish you a very warm fuck you.  And I hope the rest of your life is absolutely horrible and filled with immeasurable pain. Kisses.

7.58am

Vicky Spratt of the i newspaper announces that, with an election announced, the Renters’ Reform won’t pass.

This is a big deal, actually - this was a rare good promise in the Tories’ 2019 manifesto to protect renters by ending no-fault evictions.  A good promise!  With cross-parliamentary support, only slowed as much as it was because most Tory backbenchers are landlords and so tried to block it. But the fighting raged on, and it was finally agreed.

And now it’s broken.  Wasting months of work by stakeholders, and thus forming another election promise that would have sailed through if only the election hadn't been called for July.

8.09am

Jeremy Corbyn – remember him? Former Labour leader, who was expelled from the Labour party in 2020 – confirms he’ll be standing as an independent.  He’s continued to be a member of Labour despite being an independent MP – but standing against Labour in an election means he’ll have his membership revoked too.

9.26am

So where are we at? How do you reckon the normal Tories in the party are faring? Do you think they're positive of a win? Do you think they expect to lose?

Great Guardian article here:

Highlights - one government minister happened to bump into his equivalent opposition member, and immediately thrust his official folder towards them, saying, “You might as well have this now.”

Another Tory MP hugged a Labour colleague and cast their arm around the room.  “Good luck.  This is all yours.”

One Tory backbencher was asked if it was a good idea to call an election.  “It’s a disaster. I can’t understand it.”

Even when they’re being optimistic, the Tories seem a little glum.  One long-standing MP said: “Of course I’m going to fight it, I don’t believe in just giving up like the prime minister has obviously decided to.”

A former minister raises an interesting point.  It’s not long, after all, since the Tories suffered those major defeats at the local council elections.  That's impacted the number of candidates, of course - but, local canvassing is largely done, on all parts of the political spectrum, but activist volunteers.

That loss was three weeks ago. If you were a volunteer who just spent weeks knocking on the doors of your neighbours and community, trying to convince them to vote for the dead horse, and then lost – maybe you won’t feel like hitting the streets again so soon. Maybe you'd prefer to be able to meet your neighbours' eyes when you bump into them in the bread slicing queue at Morrisons.

Some MPs have even admitted they won’t be cancelling holiday plans to fight the election.  On top of that, there's over 70 MPs that have already confirmed they’re quitting and won’t be seeking re-election!!! Absolute scenes.

Interestingly, some anti-Sunak Tories report frustration.  They reckon they were close to calling a vote of no-confidence, in the hopes of replacing Sunak with a different leader.  No idea if this is true – and if true, whether Sunak knew it. But given the panicked speed at which it seems to have been called...

11.08am

The campaign takes Rishi Sunak to the Titanic Quarter, to be interviewed by Belfast Live.

Elanor's Pro Tip: if you’re the leader of a failing political party, maybe don’t let journalists interview you on a site named after history’s most famous sinking ship.

11.57am

How’s the campaign going, Rishi?

Oh, Rishi. Looks like someone else is not meeting anyone's eyes in the bread-slicing queue.

1.12pm

Politics UK reports that 75 Tory MPs are now standing down at the election – the same number of Tories who stood down ahead of the 1997 election.

2.49pm

Sunak’s campaign takes him on board an aeroplane.

Elanor's Pro Tip: if you’re the leader of a failing political party, maybe don’t be photographed in front of an exit sign.

7.07pm

MICHAEL GOVE ANNOUNCES HE’S STANDING DOWN AS AN MP!

I could honestly use that gif like seventeen times in this write up. You can all thank me for my restraint in choosing just one.

The 79th Tory to do so at this election – an all-time record exodus.  Hey gang, would you like to see some familiar names joining him in this?

Theresa May

Sajid Javid

Dominic Raab

Matt Hancock

Ben Wallace

Nadhim Zahawi.

It’s just … not a great sign for the party, is it? That so many prominent MPs don’t reckon it’s worth sticking around.

7.50pm

Hey, remember those parody videos of Hitler getting angry with funny subtitles?  Someone made a good Sunak one:

10.48pm

The Guardian’s Kiran Stacey reports that Sunak will retreat from the campaign trail, spending the next day at home.

Honestly... that's probably best. Let him recover from the bread excitement.

10.50pm

We round off the day with Andrea Leadsom announcing she too is standing down as an MP. Bye, bitch.

WHAT A DAY! Still, Saturday will probably be better.

Saturday 25 May

12am

New episode of Doctor Who drops! It contains Welsh faeries. I later write a post explaining this. You're all welcome. Back to the circus.

10.06am

Good tweet alert!

11.14am

Keir Starmer promises to lower the voting age from 18 to 16 if he wins the election.

2.43pm

Hey remember how David Hameron was supposed to be in Albania? And actually went there? And then had to come back because of Rishi's totally-planned-for election announcement?

The Mirror reports that David Cameron spent £60,000 of taxpayers’ money getting to Albania for that trip.  He was there for 89 minutes, before he had to come back in light of the general election announcement.

This means it cost the country £674 a minute for Cameron to be in Albania for about as long as it takes to watch The Lion King.

6.14pm

Labour and the Tories put candidates forward for 650 seats in a general election.

Of course, that's not quite all of them. The Times’ Patrick Maguire understands that Labour have only 13 candidates left to select, which is pretty good.  The Tories are missing slightly more than that. 

They need to find around 190.

(The number is rising. Chat, you know what to do.)

9.29pm

According to the Telegraph, Theresa May has said if she was still PM she would have used an umbrella to declare the election.

She probably would have, too.

10.11pm

Now then!!! Gather round boys and girls and all the rest!

Remember: the election was called based upon the following main cards in Sunak's hand:

The Rwanda bill

Inflation falling

The Renter's Reform Bill

Inflation fell, but not by as much as it should have. The Rwanda plan fell through a day later. The election itself has blocked the Renter's Reform bill.

Rishi needs a new set of promises stat, in order to shore up votes from his most important bastions of support. What can he offer?

The evening brings the answer!

At 10.11pm - note the time - in spite of having taken the day off, Sunak promises mandatory national service for every 18 year old if he wins the election.  Either a year-long army placement, or a weekend a month volunteering for a year.

Sounds like a good pledge, if you’re hoping to motivate 18-year-olds to vote against you.

10.16pm

The Financial Times’ Jim Pickard reveals that the National Citizen Service (David Cameron’s legacy project) had its funding slashed by two-thirds in a 2022 review of government youth funding - when the chancellor was Rishi Sunak.

Five minutes.  That’s how long it took a journalist to melt Sunak’s new pledge.

Still; Tories never let facts get in the way.

10.27pm

Politics UK reports that leaked documents suggest teenagers would be jailed for refusing this national service.

11.47pm

Sunak's bad ideas generator works hard, but the meme makers of the internet work harder:

Still. Sunday is a day of rest! Hopefully Sunday will be better.

Sunday 26 May

9.50am

Let’s check the Sunday tweets.

Starting to think whoever is in charge of optics for Rishi Sunak may be a Labour plant.

10.21am

Fantastic tweet alert:

I Agree With Gabby

3pm

And then... PLOT TWIST!!!

FT’s Lucy Fisher reports that Sunak’s national service pledge - including assigning up to 30,000 18-year-olds to the military - was rejected this week by one of his own defence ministers.

Defence personnel minister Andrew Murrison warned of a hit to morale, headcount and resources if “potentially unwilling national service recruits” were introduced alongside Britain’s professional armed forces.

EVEN THE ARMY DON'T WANT THIS.

6.47pm

And then:

Incredible story from Gabriel Pogrund of the Times.

St Paul’s School, if you haven't heard of it, is an expensive and famous private school in England somewhere (I forget where and don't care).  As with other private schools, they’d be subject post-election to a Labour plan to remove their VAT exemption.

Tory MP Greg Hands took matters into his own Greg hands, and messaged the school’s parents’ WhatsApp group to try and drum up anti-Labour sentiment.

I can see the logic. These are parents with money, who have chosen to send their children to a private school that often means an easy track into politics generally and the Tory party specifically. I see why he thought he was safe.

Tumblrs, he was not safe.

Parents intervened, complaining about Hands spamming the chat, and claiming his use of the chat was “inappropriate”.

One parent messaged: “Can we stop assuming everyone is a Tory in this group.  A return to more morality, less corruption and more social conscience in British politics is not something to oppose necessarily.”

Another expressed that some parents will “feel it is hard to defend private schools being vat exempt.”

Ouch. Swing and a miss, Greg Hands.

Anyway. New week, new campaigning. I am writing this on Tuesday, and so our tale is nearly at an end for now; so let's see what happened on Monday.

Monday 27 May (Yesterday)

7.40am

Britain's teenagers respond to the national service plan. I love this tweet and the video it reposts:

And here, for your viewing pleasure, is the video:

8.17am

Tory MP Steve Baker (more on him later) actually tweets a public criticism of Sunak’s national service plan.  You might be thinking "Well yes, obviously"! But no! For you see, when approaching elections, parties need to be united. Divided parties generally find it harder to win elections.

Naughty Steve.

8.41am

Foreign Office Minister Anne-Marie Trevelyan, having seen the absolute shambles of Sunak’s campaigning, wakes up this fine Monday morn and invites him to hold her beer.

Appearing on Times Radio, she’s asked whether the parents of teenagers could be prosecuted if the teens refuse to take up national service.

And she doesn’t rule it out.

NO BUT WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT ARE YOU DOING ANNE-MARIE. IS THIS YOUR FIRST DAY OUT OF THE HOUSE.

Parents are NOT prosecuted for any wrongdoing of their ADULT CHILDREN.  How do you not understand this basic legal concept. The answer to that question was “no”!  You say “no” because it makes your party more likely to be elected, and you say “no” because the answer is no.

Oh dear. What a gaffe, as the papers say. Gosh, I really hope Anne-Marie Trevelyan’s gaffe stays contained.

8.56am

The Telegraph duly reports that parents of 18-year-olds might be fined if their children refuse national service.

Anne-Marie Trevelyan’s gaffe did not stay contained.

10.55am

Looks like the Tories are unhappy that the press revealed that Sunak took a day off from campaigning.

But that’s okay, they have a new strategy!  Reported by Politico, they’ve decided to suggest that Keir Starmer is too old to be a good Prime Minister.

They called him “weary” yesterday afternoon;

Tory Party Chair Richard Holden says it’s “bizarre” for Starmer to rest at home the day before a speech (but not for Rishi to - ? You know what, never mind);

A Tory aide tells the Sun that Starmer should be dubbed “Sir Sleepy” (what a Zinger, as those conscripted into national service say);

Another Tory aide calls Starmer “Sleepy Keir” according to the FT.

Keir Starmer is 61 years old.

11.17am

Let's check Tory candidate numbers!!!

Now last we looked it was 190, but obviously, as this is possibly their most urgent priority, they've been working flat out and recruiting across the land and so they have, fair play, managed to reduce that number.

The Spectator therefore reports that the Tories have 12 days to select 160 candidates.  Would you like to see the maths?

This means, on average, they need to select one candidate every 100 minutes.  Which is slightly less time than it takes to watch Toy Story 3.

#ChatYouKnowWhatToDo

12.41pm

The FT’s Lucy Fisher reports that Tory HQ has accidentally sent out an email criticising Tory MPs for failing to campaign, and warning of financial concerns in some seats.

Cannot stress this enough: even if the Tory campaign was going really well and they were predicting a landslide their way, this would be a terrible blow.

5.02pm

The Mirror reports that Tory MP Steve Baker is on holiday in Greece.  That’s pretty irresponsible, isn’t it?  What does Baker have to say for himself?

"The Prime Minister told everyone we could go on holiday and then called a snap election. So I've chosen to do my campaign work in Greece."

… this is the greatest Tory campaign in history.

(And once again... when exactly did you decide to do this, Rishi?)

5.15pm

In an absolutely baffling move whose motives I still cannot entirely fathom, Tory MP Lucy Allan - a repugnant, malignant liar of a woman who once altered an email from a constituent so she could claim it contained a death threat against her - is suspended by the party, for telling voters in her ward to vote for Reform UK instead of the Tories.

...

...

...

...wwwhyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

6.18pm

Good tweet alert! Here's political journalist Jonn Elledge:

6.30pm

Meanwhile, a Tory chooses to contact journalist Theo Usherwood over WhatsApp, criticising the election strategist Isaac Levido:

Now this is particularly interesting, because Levido is the guy who managed to swing the last GE to BlowJo, even though Labour were riding high on Corbyn. And I don't know, maybe he is actually shit at this and all that was luck.

I just... wouldn't have said he was the reason for this one going the way it is. Necessarily.

Finally, let's finish off Monday with a last good tweet:

10.06pm

***

That's all for now, folks! Thank you for reading, enjoy the circus playing out this week!

[howtofightwrite]

I'm making a monster-hunting college student who is going in to journalism. I'm looking for monsters that good for starters to learn to fight and magic

That's, kinda, your job.

The thing about monsters is that you have a lot of leeway in determining how dangerous they are. We got a question, years ago, from someone asking, “who would win, a vampire or werewolf?” And the answer, as with yours is, it depends on your setting's rules.

You create your world, and that includes populating it with whatever monsters you want to include. You determine how powerful they are, how dangerous they are, how they appear, what they can do, and all the other important details that shape your world.

More than that, there's a lot of merit to cutting off the safe on-ramp. I mean, your character might go in with the intention of going after something that's easy to manage, only to find themselves dealing with something that is far more dangerous than they were prepared for. For example: Basic ghost hunting, only instead they find themselves being stalked by a powerful revenant of some variety (maybe a vampire, or ghoul, maybe something more exotic.) They may be in the woods investigating something benign, only to find themselves dealing with multiple cryptids stalking them. The only real limitation here is finding a hook you like to get your characters somewhere profoundly unsafe.

At the risk of going into a weird tangent, there's a fundamental difference between RPG encounter design and narrative structure, where there really shouldn't be. (So, this is almost more advice for GMs and DMs, rather than writing advice.) When you're setting up a story for your players, you want them to face, “level appropriate,” threats. The reasoning is pretty simple, total party kills, and players being smeared across the walls by some monster, like a toddler who just discovered an open jar of tomato sauce isn't fun.

In writing, you want those threats that feel completely out of your characters' depth. That jar of tomato sauce, and the prospect of what the toddler will do to your characters is very compelling for the audience.

The irony in this is, as a DM, you should be working to present that kind of fear to your players, even if you're not throwing them against foes that they have no chance of defeating. Just because you're putting the characters under threat, doesn't mean you're going to mercilessly snuff them out, that's what you have expendable NPCs for. If you can learn to do this well, it will result in a much happier group of players when their characters escape with their lives.

If that didn't seem relevant, then take this empty jar and remember that tossing your characters in the deep end will work just fine.

-Starke

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[lokavisi]

how did you develop your clairaudience? i have a hard time hearing loki most of the time, and i could use some tips 😭

That's honestly a great question. I will say that I've been intuiting messages for at least a decade and a half at this point. I was doing it before I even knew what that meant while I was a practicing Christian in high school, though certainly not to the degree that I do now, nor with the ability to recognize exactly who I was hearing. (I presumed the Christian God/Jesus, though in all honesty it could have been any number of angels or even just my higher intuition.) So giving yourself time to develop the skill in general is important. It's also because I've spent so much time with Loki that I am able to recognize when it's them coming through as opposed to anyone else. So again, time. I know that's not particularly helpful when you're frustrated in the here and now, but that has been my experience.

In the mean time, here are some the practices that I do/have done that have helped me build this skill:

1. Tarot or oracle card readings (or other divination tools) - This can be a little more useful when you find a deck attuned to a specific being, but is still a good way to get a sense of who you're talking to. When I started using cards I used an Archangel Michael deck, so I knew who exactly my messages were coming from. Then over time I started to get a little bit of a sense of his personality as I intuited a little bit more beyond just the words on the card. When using a more generic deck, ask your questions to the specific being you are trying to hear. Keep a journal of the answers you get when asking questions of that being in particular. The more you practice, the more you can see if there are certain cards or suits that seem to show up a lot for them, which then gives you a sense of how they communicate. I've found that repetition in that practice has lead to hearing more direct messages as expansions of the cards' meanings. (Which in turn has led to less reliance on cards to hear a message. Though they are still very helpful in this regard when I'm experiencing some mental fog.)

2. Intuitive writing - This is what I was doing during my Christian days and didn't realize I was doing it. (At that time I was reading Bible verses and intuiting prayers.) Another practice involving journaling, write whatever your question is for the being down. Once you do, write the first words that come to your mind. It might be one word, it might be a full sentence, it might be a whole paragraph. The important this is to not overthink it. Just write down the words. Just like with the cards, the more you do this with the same being, the more you'll start to get a sense of their voice. And eventually, it starts to become automatic writing (directly channeled messages, as opposed to intuited). By the time I was working with Loki I was already able to intuit a sentence in response to anything. Now, after spending about 4.5 years with the guy, I can journal full on conversations between us where they use such expansive metaphors it takes up multiple pages of my journal to write. It's exhausting at times lol. This one is easier to doubt when I'm feeling disconnected or unsure of what I'm hearing. It takes a little bit of trust in yourself and the being in question. Though because you're writing it down, you can also go back and refer to previous messages and look for any (in)consistencies that may or may not be present. Anything that seems off might be worth investigating. You can always get confirmation from a tarot card about the message being conveyed if you're really not sure.

3. Put yourself in situations/around people that practice channeling/possessory work - I know this might be challenging depending on where you live and what's available, but the more you see people at work the more you can pick up on the energy of who they're hearing/channeling. For example, I attended a seidr/spae ritual a couple of years ago where two different seers were respectively possessed by Loki and Odin. I had experience with the two of them prior to this ritual, but it felt SO different feeling their energy so present and concentrated in a particular place in front of me (i.e. the seers). As I said, I already had experience with them, so their energy wasn't unfamiliar, but it was much more intense that it's been much harder to mistake it for anyone else in my personal workings thereafter. Besides needing to know people around you who can do the work, there is also the caveat of making sure those workers are legitimate. This is a much less feasible way to build up the skill, but it can be a great supplement to the practices mentioned above whenever you might be able to do so.

I hope this was of some help. It's hard for me sometimes to explain how things work for me in relation to clairaudience because I feel like things just start to happen, even though I do things (like the tarot and writing) to build that skill and connection.

Also, sorry it's taken me a minute to respond. I failed to receive a notification. -_-

[qaraxuanzenith]

FCDnD Session 56

Jinx: Ben has a body Me: Legias and Lori definitely also have bodies. You've seen them. Adam: but have we touched them?

Adam: Huh, it's kind of weird how there are two J names, but only one of them is said. Jenny: I need to talk to Legias. Right now. You can come if you want.

Adanessa: do you have an appointment? Adam: yes Adanessa: name? Adam: you know my name Adanessa: I don't see your name in the appointment book Legias: Oh, good, you're here. come in. Adam, sticking his tongue out at Adanessa: It must suck not having things written down in your little book.

Jenny: Who is Ben? Who is Ben, to you? Legias: Ben is... the King? Of the Castle? That we are... currently in?

Adam: Can I try asking a question? Legias: it looks like you just succeded. Congratulations!

Jenny: Who is J in your journal? What does J stand for? Legias: It's... Jenny: It's me. It has to be me.

Jenny: We need to keep going. I cannot interact with Shard at all. Jinx: Like he can't know you exist? Jenny: He already knows I exist. I can not talk to him. Jinx: What about invisibility? Can I make you invisible when he's around? Adam: What about a mask? Get some face paint out? Jinx: Can we call you Henny Junter? Jenny: It really depends on how easy it is to lie to Shard. If he's talking to me directly, it's already too late.

Jenny: Anything that I know is information that Shard has easier access to. Adam: Well, you're stupid as bricks anyway, so we got this. Jenny: Thanks a lot. Adam: I was trying to be confidence-building.

Adam: a hundred dollars. Legias: No, thank you. Adam: Two hundred dollars. Legias: that's very generous of you, but no. Adam: You've been annoying me a lot lately. Jenny: I think that's just your aversion to authority.

Adam: So we can't let whatever his name is see whatever her name is, and if they do, we lie about it. I'm sure Hunter can't lie worth a damn.

Me: You have now finished your meeting with Legias, for better or for worse. Jinx: I think for worse, honestly.

Jinx: Do you want to say hello to house-builder guy? With the girlfriend sword? Adam: Hector?

Jinx: Do you think Hector was also under an enchantment, or did he just not recognize Jenny? Adam: Honestly, knowing Hector, it's a coin toss.

Adam: hello, you're looking very toady-ish. do you want to trade masks with me?

in which Jenny rolls a 5 on performance to send a non-verbal message, Jinx rolls a 3 on perception to understand it, and Adam rolls a 6 on insight to get what's going on; or: in which the party re-enacts the Good Omens baby switch

Adam: we need to go Jinx: what? She's got it in for her! Adam: she sure does Jinx: yeah, she needs our help! Adam: this is clearly a two-person affair

the (alleged) vampire: please sir, I insist, you must dance with me Jinx: excuse me, I have a girlfriend

Adam: why does being magical make you make bad decisions? Jinx: are you trying to say something? bite me, big girl.

Jenny, repeatedly failing her wisdom save despite the (alleged) vampire grappling Adam: a curious dance step, but I'll allow it

Jinx, investigating a "free drink token": THIS was so important? Adam: I picked her pocket for it Jenny: you STOLE from our HOST?! Adam: what are you gonna do, hit me about it? Jenny: THAT WOULD ALSO BE IMPROPER

Adam: I would not eat the food here. I mean, no offense to the host, I'm sure it tastes lovely, but she did mind control you all a bit. You might want to check for roofies.

Adam: Do we know anyone who hasn't got a will to live? Fern? What if we just send her Fern? Jenny: I think we should try to solve this problem without human sacrifice.

[when-residents-are-evil]

Journal #1

Author note: Welp! I wrote it anyways!

*10h Wii music video*

This is my first time writing for this fandom and in this format. I thought it would be a nice change from what I usually write / read! I'm planning to write this whole thing like a journal and am reserving some entries for my character's notes (inventory, ressources, informations they might need to survive, herbarium, bestiary, etc). Not sure how it'll turn out or even if I can make it work, but I'll never know if I don't try ^^

I've never done anything like this so I hope you'll enjoy! Notes will be added at the end of the chapters if a previous entry has been updated!

Also, I will only update the entries on tumblr, the "ressources" or "information" chapters will all be on Ao3 ^^

Summary: This book is the property of Samael Ledeuil. I wrote down what happened, different informations and some helpful tips for the person who may find this. If you're lost like me, some of the informations depicted in this book will be essential to your survival. I hope you won't have to use it. Please, if you can, return this journal to my family. If I'm lucky, you won't find this and I'll be able to give them myself, but seeing where this is going, I don't think I'll be able to.

They deserve to know what happened.

____________________________________

Entry #1

16th April, 2018

Welp. Guess I'm making this. If not to leave a mark, at least for my sanity.

 My name is Samael Ledeuil. I bought this book from a guy who calls himself 'The Duke'. I'm in a small village in the middle of Romania, and I have no idea how I'm going to go home. If I'm going back home.

I don't know what's going on here, but I'll use this book to write down what I can find about it. I'm a bit forgetful and I think I'm gonna need to remember most of what I come accross here. Every little detail will be important!

I got attacked on my first night and haven't been able to leave since. Here's what happened; I was supposed to roadtrip on my bike, I had provisions, change of clothes, money. As I was riding almost two weeks ago, I didn't get to the next village before dark, and I still had my torchlight back then, so I thought I'd keep going (at least until I found a clear spot). Good thing I didn't have my headphones on, because as soon as the sun set, I heard rustling leaves and cracking branches.

And I knew it wasn't just me.

I was already scared of the dark before, but this shit was honestly terrifying. I tried to find my way out of the forest or go back on the main road, but I got lost. It was too dark to turn back. So I kept going.

And then, I heard howling. Lots of howling. I don't think it was a wolf. It sounded nothing like a wolf. It was all around me, and I knew I was making too much noise with my bike. So I left it. And I also left my other traveling bag, (the one with most of my clothes, my phone, a few books, etc) because it was way too big to carry discretly. And it's a good thing I did! I wasn't even 20 meters away that something jumped on it and tore it to pieces. I think I cried a little. I know I ran a lot (probably more than my asthma could've handled if adrenaline didn't carry me all this way). I couldn't seen the beasts clearly, it was too dark for that, but I know it's nothing I've seen before. It's not a bear, or a pack of wolf. But it's strong and extremely agressive, and there's a lot of them.

I don't know how long it took me to find shelter, but when I did, I broke in and hid in the nearest closet for the rest of the night after barricading the door and windows. And boy, was this a long night. It took me one hour and a lot of help from my inhaler to go back to a steady heartbeat, but once I did, I could hear the... creatures? Monsters? Things out there. They were... kind of everywhere at once. And what I also noticed, is that no one was in the house I broke into. The owners probably moved out a long time ago.

I would too, if I could.

Once I could see the light crack through the closed doors of my hiding place and didn't hear anything else than the birds squaking outside, I got out. This house is super dusty, and aside from a few furnitures, there's nothing here. Not any personal stuff, no clothes, framed pictures, not even bowls and stuff in the pantries. I checked every room, and it really seems like this place has been abandonned for a while. It's a wooden house and looks like it's going to fall on itself any time. But it did the job for the night, and I gathered my stuff after drinking the last of my water and eating a bit of what I had left. I got out, and saw a dust road leading farher into the forest. I was already lost, so I thought I'd at least reach civilisation.

I ignored the endless, huge footprints all around the house.

I made my way to what is called the 'Village of Shadows'.

Dope name.

Horrible place.

These people really don't know how to handle traumatized tourists. They're bitter and clearly don't like outsiders. Anytime I tried to ask a question about this place, they either ignored me or straight up closed their doors in my face. They said outsiders were herethics and were going t obring death upon their village. They kept going on about a black god and... what was it? Mother Melissa Melinda Miranda. Who the fuck is she? Some kind of cult guru? What did I get myself into? I'll have to be extra careful around here.

I tried asking where I could find food and clothes, and they vaguely gestured to what seems like the town center. That's where I found the guy I mentioned earlier, the Duke. The friendliest face in this wretched place. He's a weird guy, but I like him. I don't know if I trust him, but I know he knows more than he lets on. And he doesn't have any bad intentions, it seems. Good thing I kept most of my money in my backpack, because this guy has a ton of stuff I'm going to need here. Also, when I asked him about the house I broke into last night, he said no one has been seen here in years. So I'm crashing here for now.

I think it's important for whoever might find this journal that I tried leaving multiple times. The third time almost cost me an arm, so I'm laying low and preparing for my next attempt. Which is why I haven't left yet. Please, don't think I already gave up.

I've only been here for 10 days, but I'm sure there's something more about this place than the beasts in the woods. And the cult. I promised my mom I'd never join one, but it looks like if I ever want to go home, I'll have to play the part (at least for a bit).

Anyway! Here's what I should write down:

Important tips

My inventory The content of my backpack

The content of my first aid kit

Rations

A map of this place

Maybe a part about the beasts of the forest (need to investigate)

Others? A list of ressources?

I'll most likely add more, but I think it's good enough for now.

Hopefully, I won't have time to write more before I find my way out.

[inscryptions]

The Fontainian Research Institute is as impressive as I had heard it to be—if we are speaking of the campus, of course; it remains to be seen whether the personnel will also live up to the institute's reputation. So far, I have found the different treatises and journals on various inventions and power systems intriguing, what with the Arkhe system so unique to the nation of Hydro, and the historical records paint a fascinating if tumultuous picture of the institute's earlier days. Sumeru may be the holy land for wisdom, but I firmly believe that each country contains its own form of enlightenment and thus worth studying. With Fontaine, the intellectual systems are defined by the pursuit and maintenance of justice, which can lead to either more law-abiding scholars or more scholars skilled in avoiding the law. Or else scholars who defy the law entirely, as this rogue sect is purported to have done. Despite the abundant beaurocracy, the nation appears to deal with rulebreakers quite effectively, though it remains to be seen whether that is the case, and what judgment awaits these researchers.

It is imperative, then, that I acquaint myself with the nature of this group's research, and so I find myself doing just that in the rotunda of the New Fontaine Research Institute. From what I know, the primary goal of the institute is to study new ways to implement kinetic energy engineering, but as to the purpose of such research being used in an unethical manner... I may know human nature, but I can't make an appropriate deduction without more information. Listening to the conversations around me reveals little more than I already know. Either I'll have to find and speak with those most informed about this situation, or I'll have to seek out this group and get the details straight from the source. Neither option is appealing to me, but as I am currently in the institute, it's most efficient if I start with these researchers.

A commotion starts up on the other side of the atrium, and I catch the words "Monsieur Chief Justice?!" in the sudden hubbub. Interesting, curious. Could whatever is occurring here be so important as to warrant the presence of the Iudex himself? To be fair, the last time something like this happened, it resulted in the floating cubes of water above the original central laboratory's location as well as many casualties. If the institute is to avert a similar disaster, it may be best for the foremost legal power to get involved. I finish the text I've been reading over, close it, and insert it into its place on the bookshelf. When I glance to the side, I spot a tall, pale-haired man in flowing blue Fontainian formalwear approaching me. He apologizes for the disruption, explains the situation in brief, and asks a question. Hmm. This must be the Chief Justice—he certainly looks the part.

"I am," I answer, "I'm Alhaitham, from the Sumeru Akademiya. I understand this investigation is due to the splinter group causing trouble for the Research Institute, correct? I've been gathering what data I can regarding the situation, but I need more info before I can understand what is happening and why the division has occurred."

Can We Stop Blowing Up Research Institutes, Please || Neuvillette & Alhaitham

[mycatshuman]

A Risky Mystery

This is heavily based on an ask on @the-officially-kat 's blog about how prinxiety got together in their Scooby-Doo au. You can find that ask here

Art by @the-officially-kat

Colored by me

Masterlist | More

Warnings: There is a moment when the others think Thomas and Virgil have gotten seriously hurt, so look out for that. Let me know if I missed any.

Thank you to @icequeenoriginal for reading through this for me!

--------------------

A lone van drove along the twisted road into the town of Letchworth. The people of the town watched the van through their curtains as it passed by while on it's way to the town's only hotel, Brooks Inn. The town was on fear induced lockdown during the night. But the people in the van couldn't possibly know that. 

The people in the van were actually kind of professional sleuths. They had handled countless different mysteries before. Each one ranging from predictable to bizarre with various different monsters as the cause of each one. Of course, the townspeople couldn't possibly know that. So they watched with fear-filled eyes as the van pulled into the Inn's parking lot. 

Out of the van came a small odd little group consisting of two glasses-wearing figures, a princely looking fellow, a fellow with dark eyeshadows under his eyes, and a dog. Together, they walked inside the Inn and the townspeople lost sight of them. 

-------

An older woman sat at the front desk to the Brooks Inn. The inn was empty, not a guest laid in her rooms. It was to be expected, the recent events have scared away any previous guest and most others left after one night. The old woman, whose name was Agatha, sighed. She wasn't sure why she didn't just close the inn. After all, it was late and recent circumstances provided a bit of a risk in staying open at night. Just as she decided to close the inn, a small group walked in. She quickly put on a small, reserved smile and greeted them. "Hello, welcome to Brooks Inn." 

The one in darker blues and glasses stepped forward. "Yes, hello. We would like two rooms for the night please." 

The woman nodded. "That will be $75," she said as she moved to grab two keys for each room. She placed the keys on the counter and took the money the man in front of her had placed down. "Can I have a name for the records?" 

One of the others spoke up, "Virgil Rogers." 

The woman frowned a little before filling out the information on the computer. "Alright," she said. Let me take you to your rooms. She led the group up the stairs and then to their rooms. "Here we are." She handed the keys over. "Rooms 2B and 3B." 

"Thank you!" One of the group called. He had glasses and lighter colored clothes. 

The one from earlier, Virgil, spoke up as he glanced around suspiciously. "This town seems awfully empty."

The woman bit her lip. "Oh, that." The group became alert and they all turned their attention to her. "Um, recently, we've been having some trouble in town." 

"What kind of trouble?" The last human of the group asked. His look seemed to consist of colors one would associate with a prince. 

"Well.." The woman hesitated. She didn't want to sound crazy but she decided to just tell the group, it wouldn't be right to keep it from them, they were at risk too, even if they didn't know it. "A phantom has been terrorizing the town recently. They scared off my last paying guest." 

The bubbly one's eyes lit up as Virgil groaned. "Well gang, it looks like we've got a mystery to solve!" The woman's eyes widened in surprise. The first one of the group, the one wearing the ascot, spoke up. "We are sleuths. We've solved a few mysteries before. This one will be a breeze. And I assure you, there is most definitely a logical explanation for this." 

The woman nodded slowly, not quite believing them. "Well, enjoy your stay," she responded before turning and leaving to go shut down the Inn. 

The group watched her go before turning to each other. "Alright, we'll see you tomorrow. Sleep well!" The bubbly one exclaimed and took one of the rooms with the other glasses-wearing figure following him after giving his own good night. 

The other two and the dog turned to their own room and closed the door. 

--------

The next morning, the gang gathered in the inns dining room to discuss their next move to begin their investigation. "Alright, let's start by looking around for any clues and if we find anyone willing to be interviewed, we'll interview them," Logan explained. 

"Sounds like a plan," Patton agreed. 

 "We're not going to split up, right?" Virgil asked as he scratched behind Thomas's ear. 

"Not, yet," Logan answered and pulled a journal out of his bag. "I've written down a few questions and things we should look out for while we're investigating." 

Roman rolled his eyes. "Come on, Logan we've been through this a million times. We know what to look out for and what kind of questions to ask. Let's just get going already." 

"Be nice," Patton chided. 

The group got up and left the Inn and began walking around town. They found it a little weird that the town now seemed so lively. When they had arrived last night, it was still fairly early, far too early for everyone in town to be all locked up in their homes. After walking for a fair amount of time, the gang noticed a few people walking around as if they were on eggshells. Virgil bit his lip before jerking his head at one of them. "Maybe we should ask one of them." 

"Alright." Logan walked over to ask if they could interview them while the rest of the gang waited. Soon Logan waved them over. The gang approached as the person before they inspected them carefully. "You said you saw the Phantom," Logan started. "Would you mind telling us about that?" 

The person bit their lip and glanced around. "Well," they started. "I was just taking my evening walk. When I started to hear this loud wailing." The person before them shivered. "It was really unsettling, so I turned to go home only to run into the Phantom. It looked like they had stepped straight out of a scary movie. They had pale bluish-grey, ghastly skin and it terrified me." The person sighed. "Ever since then, the Phantom has walked around every night. And two nights ago, they nearly pushed someone off the roof of the library." 

The gang shared a glance, they had never dealt with a mystery like this. Sure there were some terrifying monsters they had to deal with but none of them ever put people’s lives at risk. "Did the Phantom say anything to you?" Patton asked.

They nodded. "Yeah, they told me to leave and never return before I regretted it." 

Roman's nose wrinkled. "That's interesting. Is there anything else you can tell us about the Phantom?" 

The person shook their head. "Nope, I'm sorry." 

"That's okay, thank you for your help," Patton said and the gang walked away. 

"Do you guys think whatever this phantom wants is something that involves getting all of the people in town to leave?" Roman asked. 

Virgil shrugged. "I mean, it seems like it, but why?" 

"Let's head back to the Inn for lunch and then I'll do some research on the town and see what I can dig up." 

"Sounds like a plan," Virgil said as he ruffled Thomas's head. The gang head back to the Inn. Patton ordered a pizza while Logan went to get his tablet. Roman, Virgil, and Thomas wandered into the dining room to wait for their friends. Soon they were joined by Logan who immediately began working on pulling up the town records, recent articles, the most recent town map, and an older town map. By the time Patton came in with the pizza, Logan had about three different theories about why the town was being haunted and a few different suspects. 

"So, what have you discovered, Logan?" Patton asked as the group ate. 

"Well," Logan began. "I have found that recently, a wealthy business owner had offered to buy the whole town. But they refused. So he offered to buy single bits of land at a time." 

"I thought it might be something like that," Roman piped up. 

Logan nodded. "Yeah, I think our most likely suspect is Carl Livingking. He's the business owner. Although why he would want to buy up the town, I haven't a clue." 

Virgil bit his lip, "I have to agree, that seems like the most likely situation. But why would he go to the lengths of risking people's lives to get the town? I mean, it seems like he's trying to scare people off, and you can do that without putting people's lives at risk so why is he doing it?" 

Logan shrugged. "That's what I can't seem to find anything on. The land isn't even that good. But something tells me that we're missing out on an important clue."

"Hey, L," Virgil started. "Can I borrow your tablet for a minute?" 

"Sure."

Virgil quickly opened a new tab and did a quick google search. Soon he found something that looked promising. "Maybe you can't find anything, because this town is fairly new." He spun the tablet around to face the rest of the table. Thomas hopped up on a chair to get a closer look. "It says here that apparently, the land that this town sits on is part of a larger area that is said to be the hiding grounds of the legendary Sanderson Gang." 

"Oh, I've read about them!" Logan exclaimed. "They were train robbers. They stole over two million dollars worth of coins and precious stones. But they were never caught. No one knows where the loot went. Rumors spread that it was somewhere in this area but most people thought the gang had fled the country with their treasures and settled down on a remote island somewhere in the Pacific. Eventually, the rumors died down and some people settled down here and started a town. Since then, the Sanderson Gang faded into legend and most people forgot they were real people." 

"So Mr. Livingking must be trying to find the treasure," Patton exclaimed. 

"And what better way than to buy up all the land, evict the town and start a massive expedition."

"He could keep people out and avoid anyone trying to steal the loot." 

Logan nodded. "Yes. It seems so, he isn't doing a good job of covering his tracks. He was actually able to buy a nearby abandoned factory." 

The gang went silent as they looked between each other. "Should we set up a trap?" 

Roman asked. 

Logan bit his lip. "It would be wise. During my research, I found that the Phantom has put two people in the hospital with near-death experiences. Even if it's not him, the Phantom is clearing trying to scare people out of the town so they should still turn up if we are out at night." 

"Yeah, I'd rather have a trap for the most likely culprit already then not have one and risk someone else getting hurt," Patton agreed. 

"Alright, so what's the plan?" Virgil asked as Thomas hopped up on the chair beside him. 

Logan quickly opened the drawing app on his tablet and began to sketch out a plan. 

"Okay, Patton, Roman and I will set up a trap in the town square-"

"Oh don't tell me," Virgil started. "Thomas and I are gonna be the bait." 

"Well, you two are the faster runners out of all of us," Logan explained. "It's only logical." Virgil and Thomas pouted. Logan rolled his eyes. 

"Would you do it for a Thomas Treat?" Patton asked Thomas. The dog's ears perked up a bit but he stayed still. 

Roman poked Virgil with his foot. "Do it or you're straight." 

Virgil sputtered. "Don't threaten me!" 

Roman snorted. "Then do it." 

Logan rolled his eyes at the two childhood friends. As Patton finally convinced Thomas. And it only took ten Thomas Treats. "Okay, I need you two to go on a walk around town. Virgil, I need you to talk out loud about buying the whole town with Thomas. It'll be like you surveying what you're going to buy while taking your dog for a walk." Virgil cringed, not likely the idea of acting like one of those rich people. "I want you to eventually end up at the abandoned factory and if you happen across the Phantom, lure him back to the square. Okay?" 

Virgil groaned. "Yeah, I guess." 

"Great," Logan said and the gang continued to flush out their plan. In the end, they came up with an elaborate trap, one of the few things Logan allowed himself to be elaborate in, that included the entire town square. They were to block off all other entrances into the square except for the one leading to the factory. Virgil and Thomas would lead the Phantom into the square where they jump on a trampoline in front of the town hall and jump up onto the balcony and when the Phantom tried to jump on it, Logan would click a button to release the mechanism which would cause the trampoline to be pulled along a track and drive him right into a giant ball out in front of an apartment building where Patton and Roman would drop a large net over from the top of the building. The plan was flawless.

-------

Virgil and Thomas walked through the old factory apprehensively. "I don't know about you, Thomas, but this place is really too scary." Thomas nodded his head in agreement as they walked. "Like, I think there's no one here, so let's go." Just as Virgil and Thomas turned to go, a loud wailing sounded throughout the factory, bouncing off old machinery and creating a terrifying echo. 

"Get out!!!!!" Virgil and Thomas froze. The wailing got louder until the Phantom stood right in front of them. "GET OUT!!!" It screeched. 

"Don't worry, we are!" Virgil shouted and he turned tail and ran with Thomas running along beside him. The Phantom chased after them with a terrible that grated at their ears. They raced through town but ended up getting turned around. Eventually they scaled up a fire escape and ended up on the roof of Town Hall. They skidded to a stop as they got to the edge. They gulped as they looked down at the trampoline below them, a jump from this height would still be risky. But soon the Phantom was behind them. And before anyone could blink, Thomas and Virgil jumped. 

--------

Roman groaned as he waited. "Where are they?" He asked Patton. The other shrugged. Just then, as he glanced around the square, he noticed Thomas and Virgil on the opposite roof with the Phantom close behind. Roman's eyes widened in fear. Before he could say anything, the two jumped off. "Virgil!!" Roman screamed. 

It all happened in a blur. The Phantom jumped off too and bounced right back into the air after landing on the trampoline. They flew in an arch and landed into the ball pit. Roman and Patton dropped the blanket in shock and raced off the building quickly as they could. Meanwhile, Logan raced over to the ball pit with the police. The Phantom was indeed trapped. "Just hold on," Logan told them before meeting up with Roman and Patton. "What exactly happened?" 

Tears streamed down Roman's face as he answered. "They jumped off the roof!" 

"What?!?!!?" Logan exclaimed. "Where are they????" Roman went to answer only for a shout to draw their attention. 

The gang turned to find Thomas and Virgil stumbling out of the doors of town hall. The world around Roman stopped. The noises and flashing lights of the police cars fading into the background. Images flashed through Roman's mind. They have been best friends since birth. This was the boy who dyed his hair neon green on a date, the boy who ran to his house to show him his new dog, the boy who continuously jumped into terrifying situations willingly for his friends despite his fear. And suddenly the realization that he was so irreversibly and incredibly in love with. 

Roman marched as fast as he could to Virgil without running. His hands cupped Virgil's face as soon as he reached him. He slowly leaned in and kissed the other softly. Virgil returned the kiss without hesitation. It was so much better than either could have imagined. 

Thomas howled approvingly as Patton and Logan clapped. Eventually the two pulled away. "How did you-" 

"I found some rope and tied it around my waist and a hook on the roof before I jumped and we swung down into the open window." 

"I was so worried." 

"I'm okay. I'm okay."

"I think we should just hurry up and wrap this mystery up and get out of here," Patton said. 

"Agreed," Roman and Virgil said in sync. The gang moved over to where the police handcuffed the Phantom. Roman clung to Virgil, which made it a little difficult for them to move, but they managed. 

Logan walked over and grabbed the mask. "This is none other than Carl Livingking!" He exclaimed. 

"What?" The sheriff asked. 

"Carl had learned about the legend of the Sanderson Gang's loot and decided to look for it. So he offered to buy up the town. But when he was refused he decided to try and scare everyone out so he could begin looking for the treasure."

Carl huffed. "Yeah, and I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you meddling kids and your dog." 

----------

Roman sighed as he laid in the back with Virgil, clinging to him like a kola. "I'm sorry again, Thomas." Thomas turned his head back to face them from his spot in the front seat as if to say it was okay. Roman smiled and nudged his face into Virgil's chest. Virgil pulled him closer and they slowly fell asleep. Content being in each other's arms. 

--------------------

Taglist: @spxced-oxt @superwholocked-for-life @mirror2thespirit @aroundofapplesauce @lyditist @little-euro-girl @unicornofdarknessstuff @maryann-draws @odette-ssbu

[saiilorstars]

Falling in Temptation

Previous chapters • Sequel to Stars Dance •  Fairy Tale Memoirs (Companion story)

Ch. 23: The Investigators

Fandom: Doctor Who // Pairing: 11th Doctor x OFC

Chapter summary: The travelers must investigate the cry of help of a child. When the Ponds get separated from the Doctor, they and their granddaughter get some bonding moments in a creepy doll house.

Taglist: @ocfairygodmother @anotherunreadblog @maaaaarveeeeel​ @stareyedplanet @perfectlystiles

[If you’d like to be added to this specific OC’s stories/edits, send me a message!]

Avalon was in the console room with her journal open in front of her, currently writing yet another little draft she'd been tinkering with. It was so funny how her mind kept coming up with so many new ideas lately. There was just a lot to say right now. She knew the Silence and Kovarian were still out there, and of course there was the fact she still didn't know who the astronaut from Lake Silencio was, but right now she was actually happy. She was content.

Hell, she'd even gotten a little postcard from the Sapling. That alone had lifted her spirits! The Sapling wrote to his parents that he was just fine and that he was having a lot of fun on a planet made up of jewels. He said that he would soon visit them to 'Take his Mother to see the pretty jewels', prompting an excited squeal from Avalon. How could she not be happy with that? So her hand wrote along her endless journal...until someone covered her eyes.

She smiled and lowered her pen. "Who, oh who, could be covering my eyes and therefore preventing me from writing?"

"Only your primary subject of your journal," came the Doctor's smug voice from behind. He lifted his hands from her eyes and kissed her cheek.

"You wish. Not all my stories were about you, you know," she smirked as he moved around the chair to face her. "Actually, I don't think I've written a proper story about you since you picked me up from Leadworth the first time." It was fairly amusing watching his face fall with disappointment.

"What do you mean!? I'm...I'm me!"

"Yes," she laughed. "But the world doesn't revolve around you."

"Oh, but it revolves around you?"

"Yeah, thanks for catching on!"

"Think you're funny, then," he evaluated her and had to stop himself from smiling.

"I like to think so," Avalon answered his question with another of her smirks. "And to be honest, I wrote about a super hero, not a dork in a bow-tie."

There was utter offence on the Doctor's face. "You...you are just mean!"

"I'm sorry but...c'mon," she reached for his bow-tie to give it a little flick. "What on Earth made you decide that these were cool?"

"They don't seem be uncool when you hold onto them," he flashed her a smirk that grew when he saw the red tint cross her face. "That's right, princess, don't start something you can't win."

Now it was Avalon's turn to be offended. "How dare you!"

Before she could either throw the journal at him or smack him, he caught her lips in a kiss. "And there's the ending of that," he declared as he let her go. He yanked her up from the chair to sit down and have her sit on his lap. He was quite smug in the end.

"Well, someone woke up in a good mood," Avalon noted with a playful roll of his eyes.

"Is it hard to believe that I'm happy right now?" He took one of her hands and kissed it and followed with a trail of more kisses going up her arm. It was actually a real novelty for him to feel like that but looking at who he had in front of him, on him, there was no other way to feel.

Avalon smiled at him. "I'd be offended if you weren't."

"Oh," the Doctor rolled his eyes. "Here I am trying to be soft and mushy and that's all you have to say?"

"What else am I supposed to say?"

The Doctor's face was flat as he stared at her. "How the hell am I attracted to you when all you do is be mean to me?"

"Not true, I pay you compliments all the time," she said innocently while she fiddled with his bowtie. "Why, just yesterday I said that the 'Oncoming Storm' sounds like a sexy name for a hero. Was that not nice?"

Judging by the smirk on his face, it was very nice. "Oh alright, I can't stay mad at you." He brushed a finger under her chin.

"No, you can't, because I give you these," she left a pretty nice trail of kisses along his cheek.

"And how happy I am to receive them," he grinned and ducked his head just as she was about to kiss his cheek again, making her kiss his lips instead. It was their last kiss before Amy and Rory came in. They had set up some rules and there was one important rule they were to follow.

Granddaughters were to be off Time Lords at all times.

"Woah!" The Doctor exclaimed as he dug into his jacket and pulled out his psychic paper in urgency.

"What's the matter?" Avalon didn't know whether to laugh or not when he wiggled so weirdly.

"Please save me from the monsters," he read from the paper and promptly put it back into his pocket then turned for the console, "Haven't done this in a while!"

"Done what?" Amy frowned as he went around the console starting the TARDIS up, "What're you doing?"

"Making a house call," he pointed at them before pulling a lever and sending them into motion.

"Oh, you're doing the quiet materialization," Avalon raised her eyebrows with mild surprise, "Must be bad. Well, we best go and see what's going on, then," and she stepped forwards only for Rory to grab her arm and force her to stay still, "Rory?"

"Doctor, are we somewhere okay for her health?"

Avalon groaned. They were still doing it and if they had their way they would continue to do it for all of time.

"Course we are! It's Earth!" the Doctor exclaimed, further irritating Avalon by following the game. He reached over to pull Avalon to his side. "Never bringing my Ava somewhere she shouldn't be."

"One of these days, I'm just gonna kill all of you and steal the TARDIS," Avalon declared in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Quit overreacting," Amy waved her off and headed for the doors, Rory following.

"I'm very serious!" Avalon huffed while the Doctor led them after their friends.

"No offence, Doctor..." they heard Rory's voice as they neared the doors.

The Doctor rolled his eyes and opened the doors. "Meaning the opposite."

"...but we could get a bus somewhere like this," Rory finished and gestured to the area they were in.

"Oh, he's not wrong, you know," she looked at the Doctor, "Not your best work." Avalon looked around and made a face at the estate. It was a bit creepy, like the ones you'd see on television...which might have given Avalon a new idea for a draft.

"The exact opposite," the Doctor sighed as he shut the doors behind them.

"Well," Amy shifted on her feet and turned for Rory, "I suppose it can't all be planets and history and stuff, Rory."

"Yes, it can! Course it can! Planets and history and stuff. That's what we do! But not today. No," the Doctor pulled out his sonic and headed for the courtyard with the others behind, "Today, we're answering a cry for help from the scariest place in the universe - a child's bedroom."

"Mm, no, you mean under the bed," Avalon remarked with a sad smile while they headed for the building. "The Sapling hated what could be under his bed."

"Are you alright, Ava?" the Doctor noticed her expression and moved closer to her.

"Yeah," she sighed. "I just...you know, the Sapling. He was a child not too long ago."

"He said he'd come back and visit soon," he reminded her and motioned behind her for Amy and Rory to help out.

"Yeah! Didn't he say he was going to take you to that jewel planet?" Amy laughed. "You'll have loads of fun with him there."

"Probably get into some trouble no doubt," Rory shook his head.

Avalon half-smiled. That sounded like their usual trips. "Yeah. Anyways, why are we here Doctor?"

They stopped in front of a lift where the Doctor hit the button then pulled out his psychic paper for them to see. Rory leaned forwards and read off it, "Please save me from the monsters. Who sent that?"

"Well, clearly, the child sent that," Avalon playfully rolled her eyes, "Get with it, Rory. Monsters, remember?"

"Yeah but I meant who, as in the identity of the kid?"

"Well I suppose that's what we're here to find out, right Doctor?" Avalon looked back at him.

"Exactly, I've traced the call back to this building but I can't figure out which flat it's from," the Doctor looked around and saw the dozens and dozens of flats waiting to be searched.

"So we need to split up," Avalon gasped lightly and entered the lift as soon as the doors opened up. She yanked the Doctor inside and curled her arm around his. "And I pick you," she smiled at him.

"There's a shocker," Amy snorted.

Their search started from the very top of the estate. The Doctor excitedly brought them to the first door in the hallway and knocked before Avalon could even discuss how they should start their questioning. A couple seconds later, an elderly woman answered.

"Hello!" the Doctor cheerfully greeted her.

"Who are you?" the woman asked.

"Um, we're the inspectors," Avalon came up fast, "...and we're...inspecting..."

"Is this about the bins?"

"Did I mention bins?" the Doctor nudged Avalon for that and made her lightly sigh, "I meant, no, we're not here for bins, Miss?"

"Mrs.," the woman corrected and made Avalon roll her eyes, "Rossiter."

"Fine, Mrs. Rossiter, no we're not here for your dang bins." Again, the Doctor nudged Avalon. "What!?" she exclaimed in irritation, "We're not!"

"Look, can we come in?" the Doctor sighed as he saw this going no where.

Mrs. Rossiter frowned, "Course not! You could be anyone!"

Avalon made a face at the woman. Why was she complicating this so much? "Who else would we be, lady?"

The woman's response was slamming the door on them.

"We should've said we were from the bins department," Avalon sighed, making a mental note for next time then went off walking.

"Yeah, that was the problem," the Doctor made a face and followed after her. She might be as terrible as he was when it came to interrogating. That was certainly new. He smiled after a second or so. Yes, he truly loved that woman.

~ 0 ~

After several more tries, the Doctor and Avalon were making their way down a corridor where they heard Amy and Rory's voice below. Avalon went ahead to try and get them before they lost them. The Doctor moved to follow her when he noticed a young boy peering out a window right where Amy and Rory had just walked by. He hurried after Avalon and caught her in front of the lift.

"They were coming up the lift," Avalon pointed, "So what now, then? Can't you do some thing with the TARDIS to find the kid?"

"Um..." the Doctor considered telling her he'd already found the kid, or boy, but felt like this was one of the moments where he could do things on his own and keep her safe. He didn't exactly know what he was dealing with and he'd rather find out on his rather than have her beside him and in danger.

"Doctor?" Avalon's voice brought him back to the conversation, "So, can you?"

"Um, no, no, it was far too vague," he shook his head.

The lift went off and the doors opened up to reveal Amy and Rory inside.

"Hey! Any luck?" Amy asked them.

The Doctor cleared his throat and answered, "Three old ladies, a traffic warden from Croatia and a man with ten cats."

"What are we actually looking for?" Rory sighed and stepped out the lift with Amy. It would definitely help to have some significant details about the child otherwise they would be there all night.

"Rory, we're looking for a scared kid," Avalon shrugged, "Remember?"

"I found scary kids," Amy remarked quietly. "Does that count?"

"Nope!" the Doctor shook his head. "But try the next floor down. Avalon can go with you."

"What?" frowned the ginger in question. "Why?"

"Just to shake things up!" He planted a sloppy kiss on her cheek and rushed off.

"That made zero sense," Avalon turned to Amy and Rory but both of them shook their heads at her.

"No one told you to date an alien. That was all you," Rory shrugged. "Now you gotta live with it." He ignored Avalon's indignant yelp while they waited for the lift to come back.

When it arrived, they stepped inside and Amy pressed the button for the next floor down. As soon as the doors slid shut, the lift suddenly plummeted down at maximum speed. The trio were pressed against the walls, screaming at the top of their lungs.

Afterwards, Rory was the first to wake up from what ever had happened to them. He was on the floor on his stomach inside a very dark room, "Amy? Avalon? Are you here?"

"Yeah," he heard Amy answer first, "Here. No, here! It's me!" she was crawling over to him, "And Avalon? Oh God, where's Avalon?"

"Right here, don't go crazy on me again," came Avalon's voice not too far from them.

"Oi!" Amy scolded her.

"Are you both okay?" Rory switched on a small torch just as Avalon had joined them.

"Yeah, I think so," Avalon sighed, "But I can't remember how we got in here?" she turned around in the dark room, reminding the others that they didn't remember that either.

"We were in the lift," Rory looked at Amy, "We were in the lift, weren't we?"

"Yeah, yeah. We.. I remember getting in and then it just went down really fast," Amy said, still feeling a lingering pain on the side of her head.

"We're dead, aren't we?" Rory actually groaned.

Avalon snickered and glanced at him. "What?"

"The lift fell and we're dead!"

"Oh my God!"

"Avalon, why are you laughing!?"

"Because of you!" Avalon was laughing far too hard for a situation like the one they were in.

"We're dead. Again!" Rory couldn't believe their luck, his luck! He could actually say he lost count on how many times he had died...and his granddaughter was laughing at him. "Avalon, stop it!"

"I can't...I can't believe..." Avalon had her hands on her knees, her entire body shaking as she continued to laugh.

Amy looked between her and Rory, having no idea who to stop first. Their family really was that crazy.

~ 0 ~

Avalon was walking a couple steps ahead of Amy and Rory, doing her best to keep calm. After getting over the funny parts, the reality that they were somewhere unknown and in the plain dark settled quickly. She realized she hadn't really been on her own, in trouble, without the Doctor since Berlin happened and she wasn't liking it one bit. She swallowed hard as she continued creeping through the dark. What if the Silence were right around the corner? Or Kovarian?

She came to an abrupt stop with those thoughts. She bit her lower lip and looked around the spot, actually yelping when Amy bumped into her. "AH!"

"What!? What is it!?" Rory spun around trying to find the immediate danger to them.

His cries only made Avalon scream again, which then caused Amy to frantically try to calm her down. Avalon had no idea how River managed to live with the threat of the Silence for so long without going crazy, especially since she did it on her own. At least she had the Doctor, Amy and Rory, who, while were very annoying with their overbearing protectiveness, were always there for her.

"Avalon! Avalon, there's nothing!" Amy finally managed to break through Avalon's scream cycle and, with one hand stretched backwards, she stopped Rory from spinning. "Avalon! Hey!"

Avalon caught her breath and looked around. The darkness still didn't make her feel better but at least there were no Silence or...Kovarian. "Sorry, sorry."

"It's alright," Amy said, comfortingly rubbing her hands over Avalon's arms. "You can go back to laughing at Rory if that helps."

Rory rolled his eyes at his wife but yes, that was something Avalon could do if it made her feel better. "Yes, fine. Ava, you're okay."

Avalon nodded, convincing herself that she was being a bit too ridiculous right now. They needed to focus on finding out where they were after all. "Sorry."

"You don't have to apologize," Amy gave her a smile that was only partially seen through the dark.

Avalon tucked some curls behind her ears, licking her lips nervously as she scanned their area one more time. "It's just I keep thinking that maybe the Silence found us again."

"That's natural," Rory hated to think that way because he would give anything to make that fear go away. "It'll be a while before...before things go back to normal."

Avalon shook her head. "It's more than that, though. Have you guys thought about Lake Silencio anymore?" Amy and Rory exchanged mutual looks before awkwardly shifting away from their granddaughter. Avalon groaned and followed after them. "Don't do that! You have thought about it, right?"

"...of course we have," Amy muttered, picking up her pace with Rory.

"Why wouldn't we?" Rory sighed. "It's more crucial now that you went off and..."

Avalon stopped walking, forcing them to do the same and turn around. "I couldn't help it, Rory," she said quietly.

Her grandparents stopped walking and through the darkness Avalon heard Rory go 'Oof' as if somebody had hit him.

"That's not what I meant," Rory said after a moment. "Of course we've thought about Lake Silencio, especially because we know it's going to hurt you the most, Avalon."

"It's already hurting, actually," Avalon admitted. She hurried to where they were. "Because it's still a possibility and lately I've been wondering about that astronaut. What if...what if it was me?"

"What!?" Amy was about to tell her how crazy she was sounding but Avalon quickly added an explanation. She'd been giving the event many thoughts lately.

"Just hear me out! Why would the Silence take me? I mean, no offence, but shouldn't it have been Amy?"

"Offence taken," went the grandmother in question.

"Look, you're River's Mum. They could've taken you or, maybe even Rory. But they took me. Why take me unless...unless they wanted me for something else."

Yeah, leverage, Rory thought and unknowingly Amy thought the same. Kovarian had played it just right with the only person none of them could ever harm. If she'd taken one of them, they would've easily given their lives to protect Melody and ruined her plans. But she took Avalon instead, making it so that even River couldn't get near to extract Avalon from their hands.

But maybe Avalon's words had another truth to them. What if Kovarian had a second agenda in mind for her? Why force her to kill the Doctor in Berlin when she had raised Melody to do just that? Even Melody was confused (and angry) at the fact that her entire life's purpose had been changed at the last moment to accommodate Avalon's presence. She had even erased Avalon's memories in the end, like there was something she didn't want Avalon to know about and tell any of them.

"What if I'm the astronaut and I kill him?" Avalon whispered. "I would rather die myself than do that."

"Please don't say that," Amy begged. She had lost her baby and she was not going to lose her granddaughter too.

"Listen, right now, right now we have to make a plan. A plan to stop that future from happening."

"You can't. Remember what River said-"

"With all due respect, I don't care what River had to say! I'm not letting the Doctor die and I'm sure as hell not going to be the one to do it!"

"What do you even have in mind?" Rory dreaded to think how much time Avalon had thought about whatever ideas lurked in her head.

"The future Doctor came back in time to see us, and now that I've had time to think about it...didn't it seem like his 'hello's' were like someone who hadn't seen us in a long time?" Avalon sure thought it was. The Doctor she traveled with at that point in time did not hug her the way the Lake Silencio Doctor had. He held her so tightly and the smile on his face...it was the same way he smiled at her right now.

"God, how long do you think it was for him?" Amy asked.

"I don't know," Avalon sighed. "But I'm guessing it was a very long time. That means that the Doctor right now will eventually leave...or...maybe something happens to us. Whatever reason it is, we have to make sure that he doesn't leave us."

"And make sure we don't die!?" Rory flapped his arms to their current situation.

Avalon rolled her eyes. "Yeah, that too. So can we do that? Can we just...keep our eyes peeled for anything suspicious?"

"Avalon, we can try but the Doctor is still the Doctor," Amy thought that alone was an explanation for the choices the Doctor made, but Avalon wasn't going to settle for that. "He could have a plan that we don't know about. He's got a big head, none of us know what he's thinking about."

"You're right but I'm sure of one thing," Avalon said with a tightened jaw. "He wouldn't just leave me like that. He wouldn't choose to leave me behind."

That sounded right, but it begged the question why he did it once. Avalon was afraid of the answer.

~ 0 ~

"You know it's obvious what's happened," Rory began to say, disliking the silence that was taking them over. They had continued to explore their surroundings without much success. He'd only acquired a torch from another hallway but that was pretty much it.

"Yeah? Really?" Amy scoffed lightly, "Because it's not obvious to me. How about you Avalon?"

"Not in the least," their granddaughter shook her head.

"The TARDIS has gone all funny again. Some time... slippy... thing," Rory sighed. "You know, the Doctor's back there in Eastenders-land and we're stuck here in the past. This is probably 1700 and something."

"One of my favorite years," Avalon remarked and went along with his words.

"Oh yeah, you know, definitely Avalon," Amy began as well, "Big dresses and parties and-"

"Well if it's royalty then why not?" Avalon shrugged, "All the dances and the dresses, the jewels, and the princes you can dance with," she sighed with content, "Doesn't that sound lovely?"

"Did you forget the part where they're all stuck-up snobs?"

"Not everyone, the Doctor says that he once met a French mistress who turned out to be really nice unlike the others of the French Court."

Amy scoffed, "Oh brother."

"What?"

"Did he tell you who that mistress was? And why she was very nice?"

"Um, I think was something with Pompadour...no..."

"Yeah, that's her," Amy laughed, "She snogged him the moment she was a young woman."

At that, Avalon stopped walking and forced them as well, "Come again?"

"Yeah, he said something about the woman's life being spread around some old spaceship with clock robots and stuff. He became her imaginary friend which then turned out to be a little something, something," Amy nudged her, "You get it?"

"I'm going to kill him," Avalon declared. "Forget what I said, I'm gonna kill him right now."

Amy burst into laughter. Rory shook his head at her. The Doctor would be paying big time for that one.

Avalon stalked ahead, coming into a kitchen. She made a face at it and wondered what kind of house it was because the closer she looked at it, the shinier things seemed. "It's plastic," she realized after a moment.

"What is?" Rory asked her.

Avalon picked up a loaf of bread that was on the table and tossed it over to him, "It's plastic. This entire room's plastic. Look around," she gestured.

Amy picked up a pan off the counter and tapped her knuckles against it. "Hm. You're right."

"That's copper," Rory pointed at it. it had an orangey shade to it that shined through the darkness.

"No, it's not. It's wood," Amy said safer after another study. "It's made of wood and just painted to look like copper."

"That...is stupid."

"Ah!" They heard Avalon and turned to see her grabbing a lamp off a shelf. She managed to turn it on and give them a better idea of what they were looking at. "I told you this entire thing is fake. Plastic things and other things painted to look a certain way."

"Well, not seventeen hundred and something, then." Rory wandered over to a couple of drawers. He went through them and found nothing significant...not like Amy did. The moment she yelled, he darted to her side and yelped himself. He slammed shut the drawer responsible for their momentary fright.

"Wow, you guys are cool," Avalon declared from the other end of the room.

"Shut up," Amy hissed. She carefully opened the drawer again and peered inside. A huge eyeball stared back at her. "It's...it's glass. It's a glass eye."

"No way, let me see!" Avalon hurried over, only stopping midway because her lamp flickered on and off.

"Avalon, not funny!" Rory snapped.

"What? It's not me!" Avalon tapped the lamp lightly. "Stop it!"

"Something else is doing that," Amy grabbed the fake copper pan as a weapon. "C'mon!"

They hurried towards the other door in the room in hopes of getting the hell out of the creepy place.

~ 0 ~

The small family found the front hall of wherever they were in. Rory went for the front door while Avalon and Amy walked round the large entrance room.

"At last." But Rory groaned suddenly and made both gingers look over at him.

"What is it?" Amy called.

"No doorknob!" Rory exclaimed as he patted the doors.

"And this clock," Avalon was studying the large clock in front of her, her hand reaching to touch the numbers, "The hands are painted on."

"What?" Rory turned for them, forgetting the doors.

"I told you this place was all plastic," Avalon frowned, "And no doors? Painted clocks? This is like one great plastic house!"

Suddenly, they heard the sound of a child's laughter and made the trio turn around. Immediately, Rory and Amy stepped in front of Avalon, Rory putting a finger on his lips and motioned for them to walk towards the other door. They entered a different hall and walked silently when they heard more laughter.

"You hear that or is that just me finally going crazy?" Avalon whispered to them.

"No, we hear it too," Rory was careful as they went forwards.

"So why exactly are we going towards it?" Avalon stopped and pulled them back.

"She's right," Amy's eyes widened as she heard louder laughter. "They're getting closer!"

"They?!" Rory whisper-exclaimed.

Avalon sighed and crossed the room where another door laid. She slowly opened the door with her friends right behind her, with makeshift weapons in their hands. She opened the door and winced as Amy and Rory screamed when they saw a life-size doll with a large, chipped head.

"It's a doll," Avalon scolded them and stopped their yelling.

"This is... weird," Rory declared.

"Says the time-travelling nurse," Amy mumbled and made Avalon snicker.

"And the time traveling kissogram," she decided to add while she tapped the doll's head, "It's hollow..."

"Let's just... leave that for now. Come on," Rory reached for her arm and pulled her back, closing the door and turning for a new direction, "Why aren't there any lights? I miss lights. You don't really miss things till they're gone, do you? That's what my nan used to say, "You'll never miss the water till the well runs dry.""

"Rory, rambling," Avalon remarked.

"Except light I mean, not water. Lights are great, aren't they? I mean if this place was all lit up, we wouldn't even be worried at all."

"Rory!" Amy exclaimed, "Avalon's right, you're rambling. Stop panicking, will you?"

"Yeah, yeah. Sorry," Rory cleared his throat.

Suddenly, they stopped when another man came running down the hall towards them, "Help me! Please! Keep them away from me! Keep them away!" Behind him was one of the life-sized dolls they'd seen coming behind the man. It grabbed him by the neck and forced him on the floor. The trio watched in horror as the man slowly turned into one of the dolls.

"I take it all back. Panic now," Amy nudged Rory. He nodded and started running with her and Avalon away from the dolls, screaming.

"Don't run away. We want to play!" the dolls laughed as they came after them.

They quickly entered a room and slammed the door on the dolls faces. They leaned against the doors while the dolls tried pushing their way in. Rory looked down under the door and saw the shadows of the dolls moving away, making them feel a bit more relieved. However, that didn't lost very long when the dolls returned and banged on the door.

"We need to lock this door!" Avalon exclaimed and yelped as the door started opening a bit.

"There isn't a lock!" Rory gestured to the empty spot beside him.

Together, they managed to push the door close again and Rory reached for a giant spool of thread and placed it in front of the door. They backed away from it and looked for another way out.

"We can't stay in here," Amy grew frantic as she saw no more doors for them to go through, "We've got to get out!"

"Lovely idea," Avalon sarcastically remarked, "Any suggestions?"

"Take control," Amy took a breath, "Take control of the only thing we can. Letting them in!"

"She's finally lost it," Avalon pointed, "Are you telling us to let them in?"

"We surprise them," Amy tried to explain her abrupt plan, "We open the door and we push past them. Kick them. Punch them. Anything. You're freakishly strong, it should be a piece of cake!"

Rory looked at the door where the banging wouldn't cease and sighed, "Okay..."

They returned to the door and Rory grabbed a mop for a weapon. Avalon and Amy moved the spool and let the door open, one of the dolls falling to the floor.

"Go!" Avalon exclaimed.

Rory pushed past the other doll with the mop and ran out. The gingers followed but Avalon gave a yelp when one of the dolls caught her, "No!" she cried.

Amy angrily snatched the mop from Rory and whacked the doll with it, not about to let her granddaughter be taken by some stupid doll. As if! She quickly helped Avalon get up from the floor she'd fallen. But as she pushed Avalon forwards, the doll that had originally fallen into the room was back and grabbed Amy.

"No! Please, no!" Avalon watched in horror, along with Rory, as Amy was turned into one of the dolls, "It's my fault!"

All three dolls were now coming after them and with only a mop to defend themselves, it was a one-way battle. Eventually, they were backed away into the entrance room they'd been in earlier, along the top of the stairs. Fortunately, or not, they were going to bump into the Doctor and another man, Alex, who were being backed up the stairs by more dolls.

"Rory! Avalon!" the Doctor would've cheered if they weren't being caught between dolls.

"Where've you been!?" Avalon snapped at him but still hugged him tight.

"Been busy, you know, dolls and stuff," the Doctor considered and took a long sigh. He'd wanted her to stay away from danger and it still caught up with her!

"Doctor! Any ideas?" Roy called as he swayed the mop against the dolls in front of him.

"Working on it...where's Amy?"

"It's my fault," Avalon shuddered a breath as she pointed to the redhead doll on the left of the dolls coming down the stairs.

The Doctor's eyes widened in horror and started shouting, "George! George, you have to face your fears. You have to face them now! You have to open the cupboard or we'll all be trapped here forever in a living death! George! George, listen to me! George! George listen to me! George! Please! George, you have to end this! End this end this. End this now!"

And suddenly, the dolls all stopped right when they had the trio locked between them. The Doctor peered down and saw a young boy, George, standing in the middle of the room, looking terrified.

"George! George! You did it! You did it! It's OK, it's all OK now. Everything's going to be fine," the Doctor assured him but the dolls started moving towards the boy down the stairs, "No. No. No, no, no, no, no! George, you created this whole world. This whole thing, you can smash it! You can destroy it!" but the boy shook his head in fear, "Something's holding him back. Something's holding him back. Something..." he then recalled the fact that George had been afraid upon meeting him because he thought he was being sent away, "That's what did it. That's what the trigger was," the Doctor turned for the other man, the adoptive father of the boy who was in reality an alien, "He thought you were rejecting him. He thought he wasn't wanted. That someone was going to come and take him away."

Avalon and Rory looked down at the boy who was trembling with fear as the dolls moved towards him, "Doctor, they're getting closer to him, why are they doing that?" she looked between the two men.

"Well, we...we talked about it," Alex began.

"Yeah, and he heard you, Alex. A Tenza's sole function is to fit in, to be wanted, and you were rejecting him," the Doctor frantically tried to make the man see the point.

"You were rejecting your own son?" Avalon frowned and looked back at Rory, "See, this is exactly why I didn't want to look for my birth mother," she muttered and missed the look Rory did to the side.

"We just couldn't cope. We needed help!" Alex continued and glanced back at George.

"Oh, great," Rory was once again fighting off remaining dolls from them.

"Yes, but George didn't know that. He thought you were rejecting him. He still thinks it," the Doctor pointed down to the oncoming dolls for the boy.

"But how can we keep him? How can we? He's not..." Alex began but stopped to look back at George again, seeing the dolls surrounding him.

"Not what?"

"He's not...human."

"No..."

"DAD!" they heard George shout from below.

Alex pushed the large scissors to the Doctor and ran down the stairs, pushing away the dolls nearing him. He was able to take George from the dolls and hugged him, "Whatever you are, whatever you do, you're my son. And I will never, ever send you away. Oh, George. Oh, my little boy."

"Dad," George sniffled and hugged him back.

"What's happening...?" Avalon looked around as a bright, white light took over the place.

Next thing they knew, she, Rory and Amy were back on the lift that was opening its doors to a sunny morning. The three stepped out, shaken by what had happened, but none more confused than Amy wa.

"Was I...?" she questioned as they stepped out the lift.

"Yeah," Rory nodded.

Avalon hugged Amy from behind in gratitude and relief of the events that had happened. Amy looked at Rory and smiled at the action before hugging Avalon back. Yeah, she was a grandmother, a grandparent, but she was doing a very good job.

~ 0 ~

Eventually, the Doctor found his companions all sitting on a low brick wall. Avalon saw him first and jumped out of her spot, running up to him in a big hug and a surprise kiss. The Doctor held her tightly for a minute, taking in the guilt he felt for putting her in danger again. It seemed like no matter how hard he tried, it never worked out.

"I'm so sorry," he pressed a kiss to her hair.

"Don't do that," Avalon warned and pulled away. "Don't do that because you have something bigger to deal with right now."

"What is it?" He quickly looked over to Amy and Rory, thinking they'd gotten hurt but instead they were nervous...nervous for him.

Avalon was glaring daggers at him just before she pushed him away. "Tell me, when you mentioned that French mistress you knew so well...you forgot to mention the part where you snogged her!"

The Doctor was stunned at the accusation but he soon realized where, oh where, she could've possibly learned that. He turned the dagger-glare onto Amy and Rory. "You are dead to me, Ponds."

"It was her! I didn't do anything!" Rory pointed at Amy who gaped at how quickly he sold her out.

"You traitor!" She got up and moved for the TARDIS, prompting Rory to do the same.

"You did it!"

Avalon groaned at the pair and continued her own battle with the Doctor. "You are such a liar!"

"I did not lie! I just...omitted some parts!"

"That's lying! You liar! Don't expect me to kiss you anytime soon!"

The Doctor rubbed his face in frustration. "Why are we even giving this the time of day? It doesn't matter! You weren't even born when that happened!"

Avalon waved him off and turned for the TARDIS. "Oh, sure, use that excuse!"

"It's not an excuse! It's literally what happened!"

"Sure!"

"Oh my God..." The Doctor had to take in a deep breath before following her. She was incredibly crazy but then he heard the argument her grandparents were having inside the TARDIS and he realized Avalon never stood a chance. "You're all crazy," he mumbled under his breath then put on his best smile for his grumpy Ava. He'd have to apologize (even if she really hadn't been born yet) but it would be a fun time afterwards. "Ava, my Ava..." he went towards her.

"Leave me alone!" She snapped but he just laughed.

Author's Note:

I loved writing that ending because it's so stupid but so in-character for Avalon xD. I also really like this chapter because it kind of focuses on the Ponds this time around, all of them! P.S I also loved writing the little interrogation moment from Avalon and 11. It was hilarious!

Next chapter is an original one and features the return of someone special! Anyone wanna take a guess? ;)

[verse50]

I need help, I'm in a relatively new relationship but it's the kind that got very serious very fast. I'm currently having vaginal health issues and we have to not have sex for awhile both while I heal and figure out the next steps, and while he adjusts to my diagnosis. I need suggestions on how we can keep having intimacy and still explore the idea of a D/s relationship without traditional sex?

Thank you for trusting me with your question. 

Since I’m not sure what the health issue is here, I’m going to overanswer your ask in attempt to cover general possibilities. It sounds like penetrative sex is off the menu but perhaps not masturbating. This could apply to a) having a recent injury or surgery in your vaginal area b) post-partum recovery or c) an STD flareup, some of which would negate no skin-on-skin genital contact whatsoever.

First, see this as a positive opportunity, not a negative setback. Penetrative sex is a very small part of intimacy, especially where D/s is concerned. I get the feeling you both are young, so entering into a D/s dynamic with informed responsibility at this age is admirable. Remember, your foundation is open honest communication, structured interaction, and guidance of your sexual energy. I’m assuming you both have a pretty good idea of mutual desires and boundaries so keep exploring those together, always.

Play. Mutual masturbation where he directs the scene. He instructs you to play for him…over the phone, in the car, watching you on the couch, etc. You use a toy on yourself while you blow him. Experiment with different settings, like a secluded outdoor spot. This is a great chance for you both to up your dirty talk skills and for him to lead hot instruction. If you can use toys, buy a new one together. Remote toys are great for interaction.

Touch. Get a book on partner erotic massage. Watch some lignam massage videos and try to copy them. Spend quality time touching each other, avoiding the genital area, and see what gets excited. Think soft lighting, fluffy blankets, whispers and lots of time. Hold hands when you take a walk. Cuddle up outside and watch the sunset. Physical contact is so important.

Orgasm control. Something to explore. Decide a time frame for him to instruct you in edging. Three days, five days, etc. then an orgasm is allowed in a manner he selects. Go slowly and communicate.

Educate. Read about your health issue together and involve him with your MD appointments. This means anatomy charts, scientific journals, etc. If there is a medication involved, make sure he knows the side effects and how it might affect your mood and libido. 

Explore. Use this time to investigate those things piquing your interest. Bondage? Go to your local kink beginner rope course. Try out some soft restraints. Sensory? Play for him while blindfolded. Get a Wartenburg wheel and gently try it out. Roleplay? Naughty schoolgirl is caught in the bathroom and has to finish her orgasm in front of the stern professor.

Non-sexual. D/s is more than sex. Daily tasks and rules like check-ins, panty/outfit selection, bedtime, etc. are foundation bricks for a dynamic. Decide together where you want to establish leadership and accountability, then have a plan to communicate that to each other, every day. These small things are so important for building intimacy. I also recommend journaling in a password protected blog as a great way to communicate with him.

Go slowly. It’s ok to try something and one person not like it. Always talk about what you do like and make your own path together. Some things won’t work, others will and you will discover others completely by accident. Just have an open mind and care for each other as the #1 priority.

[ikuharaisabitch]

I'm long time Polish refugee activist. Some facts:

1. Refugee camps still exist obviously and Ukrainian refugees who go there are mostly Middle Eastern immigrants from Ukraine who didn't have full right to stay - only temporary - or lost their documents. It is grossly unfair because to enter Poland as native Ukrainian you don't need documents - any proof of identification suffices. Refugee camps in Poland are prison like and heavily criticised by our Human Rights Commissioner for quality of living there. People of colour have problems with evacuating Ukraine due to racism, they were also denied access to Poland on the border, mostly by Ukrainian border guards. Polish organisations and activists help to evacuate POC, people with disabilities, LGBTQ people and any other especially vulnerable groups who can have problems with evacuation due to prejudice or lack of specialised resources. Help in Poland is also available, including specialised legal aid. None of these is provided by government.

2. Yes, due to unparalleled societal solidarity vast majority of Ukrainians go to live with Polish families. However, it is only gesture of good will of Polish citizens and NGOs supporting them. At the moment Polish government doesn't offer any financial support to both Ukrainian refugees and people inviting them to their homes. It can't be a forever solution, only temporary. Right now we have no alternatives & no talk about wider social nets, welfare, job and housing programmes and school reforms.

3. We have two humanitarian crises at Polish border. One in Ukraine and second one in Belarus, where Polish government to this day shows it's bestiality, xenophobia and lack of care for human life by hunting refugees crossing the green border (it's impossible to ask for international protection/asylum at any border crossing) using high tech and pushbacking them back to Belarus - where they are left to die in the forest. Many people: NGOs, independent activists, locals - for longest months do their best to save countless lives in the forest. Humanitarian help is legal in international law however people saving others face heavy fines, police & army harassment, armed threats, illegally conducted raids on homes etc. Additionally Polish government still engages in heavy anti refugee propaganda and showcases no efforts to help in ending this crisis.

Resources.

Crisis in Ukraine:

https://ukraina.grupagranica.pl/wsparcie-finansowe - this is general website set up by Grupa Granica, coalition of practically all Polish NGOs helping refugees, independent activists and local people. Link above directs to financial aid but general website describes crisis, current laws etc in English as well.

Crisis in Belarus:

grupagranica.pl - here you can download a report on humanitarian efforts during first months of crisis. Grupa Granica helped over 7700 people then and numbers are still rising.

https://vsquare.org/see-minsk-and-die-how-belarusian-firms-smuggle-refugees/ - piece of investigative journalism on how Belarus smuggles refugees. Important to understand inner workings of crisis

https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2021/dec/24/my-grandmother-hid-jewish-children-polands-underground-refugee-network - piece on hard and dangerous humanitarian efforts of Polish people saving refugees from Belarusian border

https://www.facebook.com/FotoMikolajKiemblowski - activists and photographer, helping refugees in forests and documenting crisis since the very beginning

If you have questions, don't hesitate to ask me. Please reblog this version as well - we must be aware that people, Polish people included, can be heroic, can show solidarity but it is in spite of governments - and governmental actions or lack thereof actively kill people or endanger their lives.

Pope Francis thanks Polish people for opening homes to Ukrainians fleeing war:

"I cordially greet all Poles. You were the first to support Ukraine by opening your borders, your hearts and the doors of your homes to Ukrainians fleeing the war. You are generously offering them everything they need so that they can live in dignity, despite the drama of the moment. I am deeply grateful to you and I bless you from my heart!"

💓

[drnucleus]

Since I'm planning to spend my night re-reading BH, I thought I could send you a couple of questions right away. I'd like to know if there is a certain process of creating a playlist that you adopted for this fic. I use Spotify to listen to it while reading each chapter and I've got to tell you, your choice of songs hits me at all the right spots.😂 Your incredible attention to detail makes the story come to life and it's so vivid that it catches me by surprise.

Hi love, these are great questions!

So I’m a bit of a music nerd. My first bachelors degree is in journalism yes specifically media analysis and criticism and I minored in photojournalism and music history. I had at the time in my naive early twenties wanted to be a music journalist. However in journalism you don’t get to write soft news until you’ve paid your dues with the hard news. And tbh I hate investigative journalism. I hated doing it. And I hated my life of living off of meager freelance fees.

Which is why I turned to science and voila here I am in graduate school.

I grew up playing violin, piano, and singing so music has been a HUGE part of my life. I always wanted to learn the cello and am super jelly that my real life bestie is proficient in the instrument.

(Which all this musician talk makes me want to write a Mozart in the Jungle AU - excellent show on Amazon Prime if you haven’t seen it).

What comes first is the outline for the chapter. I have a rough scene by scene outline for all 30 planned chapters of BH currently. It’s sitting open on my desktop right now as I type this and think about how I want to execute ch 15. Once I know what emotional beats I want to hit in the fic then it’s time to design the chapter playlist. I have an expansive music library on my itunes that is ever growing.

Legit that is a screenshot of my itunes library content. I’m a slut for scores, and have the ENTIRE score layout for each SW movie, including a playlist that has each song in order of appearance from ep 1-8 including rogue one. I need to download the Solo OST next.

I scroll through my library, knowing certain bands will probably have a song I’m interested in for a particular chapter. I usually go by title first and listen, while the lyrics are pulled up on my google chrome. If it fits a particular scene, feeling or tone I want to strike it gets put into a playlist usually with the chapter number associated with the abbreviated title.

I do this until I have at least one song per scene selected usually 1-5 songs. Then I arrange them in scene order and listen through the playlist a couple of times to get the flow of it. 

Song selection for me is important, lyrics, plus tone/tempo, and overall feeling I get when I’m listening is the true magic of how I select the playlists. 

For instance on chapter 15 the song Slow Hands by Interpol has been in my head since the beginning of writing BH. Even in the planning stages that song was there particularly because of this lyric that teases ya’ll a bit for what’s happening...

I submit my incentive is romance...

Little things like this can really spark interest in a song for me for going on the playlist. Other songs like Two Week by FKA Twigs is going to be seen a few times throughout BH because for me it is the quintessential BDSM scene song for them. Other songs like God is a Woman by Ariana Grande are not only chapter specific but story specific. Because indeed when they’re done he’ll believe God is a woman.

I’m really glad you’re loving the playlist on spotify and I keep adding to it on there. It’s crazy. There’s so many songs that encompass the Reylo dynamic and also embody this particular fic for me. 

But to answer your question in a tl;dr is that yes there’s a specific process, and each song is carefully selected to evoke particular mood or tone or align with the characterization or plot development in each chapter. It’s gotten to the point where I do the following in order:

1. Flesh out the Outline of the chapter  - usually with extensive discussion with @27vampyresinhermind and @nite0wl29 about ideas and their thoughts on the matter.

2. Playlist creation - usually a few hours here or there where I sit down and scrolllllllll through my library, and also my reylo playlist which has everything you see on spotify to find the songs that I’m looking for in particular.

3. Moodboard creation - in canva

4. Writing time. Often this means writing, hating it and scrapping it. Or rewriting or fleshing out bad sections. A lot of frustration goes on in here but once I get into the writing groove a 12k chapter like ch 14 took me approximately 4hrs to write - when I finally stopped procrastinating and sat down and did it. I write really well really late at night when no one is awake. I don’t know why but it seems to work for me.

Anyways that’s the general process of playlist selection going into the writing process! Thanks for the ask my dear!