#i'm genuinely really upset i've never heard of this show before???

[nexus-nebulae]

almost tempted to give money to capitalism so i can watch a particular show-

[justmystical]

The Forgotten-7

Pairing: Lucifer x Butterfly!fem!reader

Fandom: Hazbin Hotel x Star Vs the forces of evil

Warnings: Takes place before Hazbin Hotel, Alternative Universe

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You were still banned from training until further notice, at least that's what Glossaryck said to you as you almost set him on fire again.

You're still unfocused on a lot of things after what happened a few days ago, especially the announcement of Eclipsa's pregnancy.

You were currently having tea with your sister, you stared at her trying to figure out something and Eclipsa noticed this.

"okay n/n,you know is rude to stare..."she said and she drank her tea.

"I've been trying to figure out how'd you became pregnant?"

"i beg your pardon?!?"

"like how did you and Shastacan have a baby?"Eclipsa almost gagged at your question, just like you she didn't like Shastacan...

"that's not something to say in public dear n/n"she doesn't really want to talk about it...

"what's wrong with?all I'm saying how can you have a baby when you don't love him?and how can you be pregnant when i have never seen you kiss him before?"you asked more questions and Eclipsa realize something but she doesn't wanna assume.

"love?kiss? Please elaborate n/n..."

"how can you make a baby with someone you don't even show your and affection too?or wait maybe you kiss Shastacan in private?"just the thought of that makes your skin crawl.

"wait...n/n how do you think babies are made?"

"... they're made from two people inlove, right?"

"such as?"

"like how Mother and Father show affection by kissing?"

"oh my stars"with what you said Eclipsa confirmed that you know nothing...her innocent little sister.

"what?"you asked confused.

"it's more than Kissing n/n..."Eclipsa blush as she remembered something.

"what is it?"you innocent question made her blushed even more.

"Eclipse are you okay?!?"you asked genuinely concerned as she turned redder by the minute.

"yeah im fine... let's not talk about that n/n..."Eclipsa doesn't really wanna have the talk with you...

"let's not talk about that.... let's change the subject, how's your magic lessons been doing?"

"let's sayyyyyyy, it's been a disaster..."you slumped on the chair and your sister hummed.

"how come?" She placed her tea down and looked at you.

"i almost set Glossaryck on fire..."

"oh dear"

"he said I'm unfocused lately and i should be given a break..."

"hmm,i did noticed...you change lately...wanna talk about it?"She asked genuinely concerned, a few weeks ago you were really down about something, you don't come out of your unless you were going to eat.

She only got you out of your because she begged you to her for some tea time...

Eclipsa knows you,you were an adventurer.You like going to different dimensions but she doesn't tell you she knows. however she doesn't spy on you,she respects privacy,she only found out when you thought you were sneaky...

So what changed?

"is it about someone?"as Eclipsa asked ,you flinched.

Ah,so it's about someone....

"i don't wanna talk about it..."you didn't want to about it to Eclipsa, it's gonna be a secret until you die. You didn't know how Eclipsa will react if she finds out accidentally befriended one of the creatures your mother warned you about.

"if it's about love i can help-"you cut her off

"it's not about love and he just a friend"Eclipsa is now confused

"then why are you upset?"

"I just found out something about him that isn't good..."

"like what?"

"umm, it's nothing to worry about Eclipse..."you had to lie you didn't really want to reveal the real reason.

Eclipsa didn't buy it , she knows your lying. It can't be a valid reason for you be holed up in room for this,but she didn't push it. You'll tell her when your ready.

"so i heard there's gonna be a banquet for the little fella in there"it was your turn to change the subject,you pointed at Eclipsa's stomach.

"yeah Shastacan and The Magic High Commission thought it would be great to announce it to the public that the heir will arrive in a few months" Eclipsa explained and rubbed her still flat stomach.

"I can't believe I'm gonna be an aunt..."you said with a weak smile.

"yeah..."

"hey n/n ,i have an Idea what if we go somewhere else just you and me? Sister bonding time?"Eclipsa asked, she wanted to spend time with you before the preparation of the Banquet. Also maybe to make you happy.

You thought for a moment...

"tell me where you get your own supply of snookers and maybe we have a deal"

"come on pleaseeee"Eclipsa gave you the saddest eyes of all of Mewni,you can't say no but...

It's Eclipsa's request...

"deal"

"okay where are we heading?"you asked you smiling sister.

"oh i always wanted to go to the Earth Dimension!"

...great...

You were on guard to Protect your sister and your unborn niece or nephew, you didn't want them to get hurt . You also had earthly disguises to look more human and have Keekee on guard.

Especially when you found that some of them can go to the human realm.

"it's quite like Mewni, don't you think n/n?" Eclipsa pointed out and you hummed in response.

You two roam the whole village and bought some food....

You were getting deja vu...

"why do you have an obsession with every duck theme products?"you questioned Lucifer as he was carrying two bags filled with Duck themed merchandise.

"you don't understand happiness"he pouted

You smiled at the Memory...

No!

You shook your head , trying to remove him from your mind.

He's a Demon n/n...

"oooh!n/n look they have Lanterns for sale!"Eclipsa tugged your arm to the stall.

You were with Lucifer watching the Lanterns float away

What's is up with me?

You gradually bought two as for Eclipsa's request.

You tried to take take the Lanterns but Eclipsa insisted on carrying them , there's no point in arguing with when we made her mind."it's just like old times ?" She asked you with a huge smile.

You nodded and gave a weak smile,you miss just having you and your bond together. No guards no Shastacan...

You enjoyed the rest of the day Bonding with your sister. But eventually it's time to go back...

"it's time to go home, I wished we could've stayed a little longer"she pouted.

"yeah..."you were about to open a portal but you noticed something...

"where's Keekee?"you suddenly said in a panic and Eclipsa noticed....

"yeah...wait where is she ?"

"she wandered off again!that cat is gonna give me a he-" you were out off by some meowing.

"Keekee!"you suddenly went to noise,you saw her coming out for a bush.

"guess she went to go potty"Eclipsa shrugged.

You hugged you Feline companion"why do you always wandered off when we are in a different dimensions?"you whispered for only you and Keekee can hear.

Keekee just rubbed her head on you and you couldn't stay mad...

You, Eclipsa and Keekee walked in the portal and got home .

Oddly enough, Keekee has a familiar scent lingering in her fur?

[max-uhhhh-talks]

Hey there, you're 16. I'm 30. it's okay if you are still upset by media because it depicts immoral things, but the best thing you can do is avoid things that hurt you. Media depicts shitty things all the time.

For example, I like watching cop shows. ACAB for life, but i like a cop serial. I know, they're usually kind of trash, but i like a predictable little detective story. It doesnt change that I think the police institution shouldnt exist.

If you believe, even though the Copiiia shippers do not, that canon is law, you must agree that what we enjoy in fiction is no representation of what we endorse in reality.

It's okay that it really upsets you, but the world cannot make itself palatable to the tastes of one teenager. I know you grew up with the algorithm and haven't had to learn how to curate your online experience, but it's a skill that will help you a huge amount.

Direct your energy towards meaningful things. The zest of youth is powerful, and it does not last forever. Before you know it, you too will be thirty and just trying to pay your rent on time. Live your youth well, focus on the things that matter.

Take care, and leave the tired adults alone. Peace out.

I will not leave the "tired adults" alone, they deserve to be called out.

I have been on the internet for years, I know how to curate my experience online. I actively do curate my experience online.

That doesn't stop me from seeing disgusting things.

This is not just one teenager complaining. There are tons of people in this fandom, a lot of adults I've interacted with in the fandom, who hold my beliefs in terms of the standard on what is and is not to portray in romantic or sexual ways.

This is not just a child that is complaining. This is someone starting a conversation that needs to be had within this fandom. It is a genuine issue that needs to be brought to light.

You've clearly never heard of "fiction reflects reality," have you?

Indulging in a cop investigation show while holding the ACAB belief is not the same as going out of your way to write, draw, read romantic and sexual depictions of incest. Why do you like incest so much?

Theres a difference between media depicting certain dynamics and media romanticizing it.

[newwavesylviaplath]

more dumb music opinions!! this is long and ik most of u don't care but whatever this is my platform i will post how i see fit. also im not proofreading this at all its 1:26 in the morning and im literally falling asleep as im writing this so apologies in advance if this isn't the most well written or coherent post ive ever made

okay yall i fell down a rabbit hole of people on tiktok criticizing chappell roan and now im all worked up so here i am giving my opinions no one asked for;

so something i've been noticing a real influx of is people bringing up her hot to go performance at outside lands (a festival) where she says something along the lines of "vip thinks they're way too cool to do this.. you're not fun!" mfs have been getting online to talk about how chappell was being SO RUDE!!! and NOT EVERYONE KNOWS HER MUSIC WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS!!!! but like anyone with common sense who has seen the vid/heard the audio can tell she was being playful?? like come on now. i also saw someone post abt how she was being mean to jimmy fallon?? 😭 first off, while im not sure abt this one in particular late night shows are usually scripted and secondly im starting to believe more and more that these people have just never interacted with a drag queen before. chappell roan is a STAGE PERSONA and the majority of drag queens are characterized by having this larger than life attitude- take for example that one rupaul /jimmy fallon interview (u guys know which one) like idk i feel like it's very obvious that chappell is playing it up for the sake of entertainment, not cuz she genuinely believes she's above everyone else.

the other thing i've seen ppl whining about is how a) she doesn't wanna take a picture with fans, therefore she believes her shit doesn't stink and b) the two tiktoks she posted a day ago where she was voicing her struggles openly without policing her tone. first off, CELEBRITIES DONT OWE U PICTURES. don't get me wrong, taking a picture with a celeb u are a fan of can be a great experience and a fun story- but people are acting as if it is their god given right to get a photo with whoever they want whenever they want. "oh well she brought this on herself it's the price of being famous" are u stupid omfg acting like chappell signed a contract giving up her autonomy in order to get on the billboard charts. she quite literally did not choose this and even if she did that doesn't mean ur automatically entitled to a pic with her as if she's some kind of zoo animal like?? the two vids she posted to tiktok essentially telling ppl to leave her alone was met with backlash because she 'sounded rude' again im going to put this in perspective for everyone. her family is being stalked. she is being harassed both online and in real life. being upset because she comes off a little brash in a video where she is practically begging yall to stop with the harassment should be the least of your concerns. this is a twenty six year old who was virtually unknown six months ago- her meteoric rise to fame was not something she could have been prepped for in anyway possible. i feel like some people just aren't trying to wrap their heads around how insane the reality of this situation really is. the phrase "fifteen minutes of fame" used to be a lot more hyperbolic than it is now. i'm exhausted

[wolferals]

FUCK YEAH

Henry Cavill x reader

Warnings: drinking, cursing, sexual innuendos

„Hey are we still waiting or are you ready to order?" The young waitress asked me for the third time in about an hour. I looked up at her and cleared my throat. „Yeah no... I'll just. Pay for the wine." I point at the still half full bottle of red wine I'd preordered for my date that was supposed to show up an hour ago.

She sent me a pityful look and spoke:"I'll be right back with your bill."

I forced myself to a smile and put my head in my hands.

He really stood me up. After all of the texting for weeks and the hour long phone calls...

I took a deep breath to prevent myself from starting to cry. Then i decided to just get my shit together and i sat up straight, took another few sips of my wine and eventually shot the rest of it down.

As the waitress came back with the bill, i simply handed her a bill far more than the actual bill and said „keep the change".

She smiled softly and carefully laid her hand on my shoulder. „I'm sorry girl, you really don't deserve this. You look amazing."

I smiled at her sweet comment and nodded back at her.

„Have a good night." I spoke as I grabbed my purse and stood up.

She smiled back and replied:"He's a dick."

I only nodded before I walked out of the restaurant.

Ashamed, sad, angry, drunk.

It was only about 8:30 now but due to the time of year, it was pitch black out and it was freezing.

My long coat was trying to keep me warm.

I continued walking for only a few steps before I heard a male voice yell behind me. I ignored it until i felt it coming closer until someone carefully touched my shoulder.

„Ugh what?" I turned around, screaming at the person. I was simply fed up by the world that second.

„Whoa sorry!"

He was handsome. Far too handsome. Tall, bright blue eyes, dark hair (i could tell from his dark beard and the few curls that were showing underneath his beanie).

„I'm sorry but you dropped this."

He held out a card.

My card.

My credit card.

„It must have fallen out of your wallet when you paid inside." He pointed at the restaurant behind us.

„Sorry, i wasn't watching you. I just saw how upset you looked and you did in fact drop this."

I smiled softly and took back my credit card. His British accent was charming.

„Thank you." I tried to sound nice after all that just happened to me that night.

He smiled at me before extending his hand to me. „I'm Henry."

I hesitated to shake his hand at first but eventually grabbed it.

„Y/n."

He smiled again. „I don't know what happened to you but if it cheers you up, my night was absolute shit too."

I couldn't help but chuckle. „Does help a little." I admitted, grinning.

„Good" he smiled. „You okay though?" He seemed to genuinely care.

I took a deep breath and looked around for a second. „Honestly? No. Got fucking stood up by a guy who I thought was genuine. But noo men fucking suck!"

He could hear my frustration.

„Im really sorry... You clearly don't deserve that. Fuck him, he must be super insecure."

Henry spoke and smiled a little bit.

„Your turn now. Why was your night shit?"

I asked curiously.

He laughed shortly.

„Got cheated on, found her in our bed in MY house with a guy I'd never seen in my life."

My jaw dropped. „Holy shit." He nodded.

„Now my night seems like a joke. Im so sorry that happened to you! In YOUR house though?"

He nodded again and then let out a chuckle.

„So yeah my plan for tonight was to get wasted and probably fall asleep on the pavement."

I laughed with him.

„Probably a bit cold in December."

He laughed loudly. His teeth and his smile were gorgeous.

We stood in silence for a few seconds before I spoke up:"Fuck it. Im drunk already. Henry? Do you wanna get drunk and hook up? I know this is super straight forward and I swear to god I've never done this in my entire life but I'm fucking upset and you're feeling just as miserable and i think ur hot and i don't even care if this story was fake or not to pick up women or to get their sympathy but it worked okay? I'm hooked because I think you're hot and we both could need it."

I stopped for a second because I saw the shocked expression on his face.

„If not, please forget it ever said that, forget about meeting me and I'll walk away and we'll pretend we've never talked and i'll go home and go to bed, you can go to some scrawny bar and get drunk and fall asleep on the sidewalk even though it's fucking freezing and you might die but thats on you and not my problem because i don't know you and i'll never see you again, especially if you're dead then, then i won't see you anymore anyways..."

I finally stopped talking after realizing how ridiculous I'd just sounded.

He simply stared at me.

„I'm sorry I-."

He interrupted me. „Y/n?"

-„Yeah?"

He looked me dead in the eye.

„Yes. Fuck yes."

[lollytea]

Up until a month back I liked a guy. And I really liked him. But I found out he didn't like me back. I was really upset, but I didn't want to hold it against him, but then I found out he had a reputation of being a player (which, at our age of 14 is flirtatiously texting girls and then just. Ghosting them).

And I felt really upset. I began to question if he even saw me as a friend, and whether the way he texted me was even friendly. What if he secretly loathed me and was just doing this to get a kick out of it? What if he knew about my feelings and they were just a joke to him?

I wanted to cry, but I told my friends and my sister I was okay. But I wanted to scream. Its not my fault I was born ugly. It's not my fault my face makes me unlovable. And even though I wanted to distance myself from him I felt some sort of perverse pleasure every time he did something embarrassing in front of every one.) And that's when I think it hit me.

That's why I'm unlovable. I am unlovable because I'm a terrible person. My friends tried to comfort me saying that he's a shitty person who can't see my beauty/cuteness, but friends are obligated to say that. I wanted to believe them because they're all so beautiful, and they would never lie to me because they love me. But they deserve a better friend than me.

I want to cry because I want to experience having a whirlwind romance, and falling in love. I also know I'll probably never have that.

And AGH I feel so upset. Because all my life I've known I was ugly. But when this guy showed me attention, was nice to me, it made me feel special. Made me feel like I was having my own romance.

I hate it I hate it I hate it. I hate that I can't be loved, I hate my face, I hate myself for feeling these things. Last year when I suspected I began liking him, I told myself not to fall too deep, and here I am, ranting to you on tumblr dot com.

Lollytea, I love your writing and I love your posts. I love how confident you are of yourself. I'm very sorry for ranting in your inbox about my shitty love life, if this makes you uncomfortable, please delete it. But if you don't, I genuinely would like some encouragement. That my time for my own romance will come. That I will learn to love this face.

You're not unlovable. You're just 14. It just happens that being 14 feels a lot like being chronically unlovable. But no, that is not actually the case.

Maybe you've heard this a lot. And I imagine that it must be frustrating to listen to. That being a teenager just means your emotions are bigger and more intense than they will ever be in your entire life, so they're irrational and silly.

That's not the case either. Your feelings matter. And they're worth being listened to. But I do need you to keep in mind that the age range you're in right now is one of the most difficult periods of time that a human being will ever go through. Being a teenager is very hard. Being an adult is hard too. But me and every adult I've ever met would not trade it for being 14 again. No way in hell.

It does severely influence how you see yourself and why your emotions feel so strong and messy and all over the place. But I assure you that you're doing a fantastic job for a person in your situation. It's rough and you're getting through it and I'm proud of you.

Firstly, I'm going to say this quite bluntly but dont take it as me insulting them. Most of the boys in your class probably aren't that smart. And they are the absolute worst people to be seeking validation from. I promise that their opinion of you is not worth worrying about because they are...stupid, frankly. They won't be stupid forever. Probably. But being 14 is a weird age for boys too and they're quite mean for a while before they mature and chill tf out. Please try not to let it get to you if one of them doesn't like you romantically. I promise you it is not remotely a big deal. None of them have any idea how to be good boyfriends yet anyway.

No, you're not unlovable for occasionally having spiteful little thoughts about somebody who was mean to you. Everybody has those every once in a while. As long as you maintain some self-awareness and don't let cruelty consume your whole brain, having a few mean thoughts doesn't make you a terrible person. What WOULD make you a terrible person is external terrible behaviour. It's your actions that matter. So just be kind, alright? Be kind to your friends. Ignore the people you don't like but be civil. Don't hurt anyone. If you stick to all of this, you're golden. Considering that you already seem so self-critical of being a bit bitchy inside your own head, I think that's a promising sign than you won't do anything worse than that. I hope so anyway. Be kind, that's all you can do. Your friends love you. If you put your all into loving them in return, then you can have something so special.

You're not ugly, you're 14. Sorry, I'm getting a bit repetitive but I think it's relevant information to this whole situation. At the age you're at, your face is probably in this weird transitional period between child and adult so maybe that's why it might look "uglier" than usual to you. It might last a few more years but it won't look like that forever. I assure you that your face is beautiful because it's doing exactly what it's supposed to do. It's alright if you've felt ugly your whole life. The way you look at your own face is way more personal than the way you look at other people's faces. We don't really notice the flaws on others the way we notice our own. We're wired weird like that.

All I can say is hang tight. If you don't like your face then please try not to let it upset you that much. Your face hasn't fully developed yet. For the time being, you look exactly the way you're supposed to look and you're perfect. Let's see how it looks in a few years before we make any rash decisions about it being as ugly as you think it is.

Don't be hasty in the belief that you'll never find love and romance. I assure you that the age you're at is the absolute worst time to get a boyfriend and its perfectly okay if you don't experience it for another while. It's normal. You're fine. It's okay.

I know you want it. I know it sounds nice. And I promise that if its important to you, once you're older and the people you're interested in are a little smarter, you will have it.

I'm serious when I say that for the time being, focus on being a good friend. Focus on school. Focus on your own physical and mental health. Focus on your hobbies. Being wanted by 14 year old boys won't mean shit in the long run.

Things will be okay. You talk so much about how you'll be alone for the rest of your life. But your life has only just begun and you hardly know who you are yet. It's impossible to tell what will happen in the coming years. I promise that you'll be okay.

I know you came for me for reassurance but from that last paragraphs, I'm sure you're already smart enough to know the things I've told you. But I imagine that you just needed a second opinion. Take care, love.

[zeeph-containment-zone]

//sa discussion: really not digging the "you can be seen but never heard" mentality the internet has adapted towards depictions of SA, mainly seeing it today in the recent Hazbin Hotel discourse. "Respectful Depictions," according to the web, apparently can ONLY tell the viewer they were assaulted but the minute they show anything, the fetishization fingers start being pointed and the creators are deemed bad people. As an SA victim and someone who writes about their own experience using their characters, this sits terribly with me. I hate how the internet has created this "sunshine and rainbows" effect regarding discussions of sa because sa is the exact opposite of that. It's messy, it's scary, it's uncomfortable. And if YOU, ESPECIALLY if you're someone who's never been, are upset that you are uncomfortable because you saw an SA scene in a movie, TV show, or otherwise, take a moment to think about how people who actually lived through a situation like that feel before writing a twitter rant about how the scary sides of SA shouldn't be explicitly shown in media. It takes a lot of guts for people to come forward and write about their abuse and they don't deserve to be accused of fetishizing their own experience because they weren't afraid to show the world what happened to them. It's also important to show the dark side of SA because you never know who could be living in a similar situation. That stuff being shown as a bad thing actually™ can help a lot of people process things that have happened to them. It also helps dispel the stereotypical depiction of topics like these (aka the "creepy man in a back alley who drags a random woman behind a dumpster" trope.) There's a very distinct bold line that divides fetishization and genuine portrayal and it's ignored by so many people.

That being said you're allowed to be uncomfortable and feel triggered by depictions. That is extremely valid and people should respect that. You can skip the scenes if you need to, there's resources out there that'll tell you exactly what to skip + they're required to list that content contains things like that in the rating description. What ISN'T okay though is assuming the creator had bad intent because you were uncomfortable and for no other reason, and attacking, speaking over or downlplaying SA victims for feeling differently. (also in terms of referencing this to the hazbin hotel drama, yes i've seen the tweet she made about the MV. I really really think she was actually referencing the dancing spider and not the flashbacks, and I agree it's in distaste because she was probably too dense to think about that. And also no, I'm not watching that shit nor have I ever liked it to begin with. I hate it for several other reasons.)

[thenanamisimp]

This isn't something I've really done much since I started this blog but I really wanted to discuss this week’s TGCF episode.

This is your spoiler warning!!

Heaven official's blessing season 2, episode 6 spoilers but there are also discussions of the respective scenes from volume 2 so if you haven't finished reading the novel, I'd suggest maybe not reading this post.

For context, I saw a user on twitter discuss how the donghua has been adapting Hua Cheng's display of emotions towards Xie Lian.

Source

I also saw another user discuss the difference between how the novel/audio drama and the donghua have been showing Hua Cheng expressing emotions.

(I can't share the source as the OP is now private on twitter)

While I haven't actually listened to the audio drama and I'm only on my first re-read of TGCF, these posts inspired me and I have thoughts and opinions that I need to share before I implode (one day it’ll happen I swear).

The scene the posters are talking about is after hcg saves xl from the heavenly Xianle palace, where they talk about what happened at paradise manor (aka xl apologising for burning down the armoury and lying to hcg about the earth master and hcg apologising for hurting xl’s arm).

In the donghua, we see hcg very obviously upset. He appears obviously and genuinely very sad about having hurt xl, even with the whole incident having been an accident. The distress in his eyes and voice is evident and clear-cut, seeming perhaps even a bit childish. In contrast, when reading this scene in the novel, while hcg definitely comes across upset, his distress appears a bit more calm and collected and he instead truly seems like a responsible adult who made a mistake and is sincerely apologetic for it to xl.

I believe that there’s multiple reasons why the dongua team chose to show hcg’s emotions in the way that they did. In my opinion, a reason why they could’ve chosen to do it this way is because of censorship. Now hear me out; clearly as a western fan I can’t speak much on Chinese censorship as I’m not highly knowledgable on the subject. However, I’d like to believe that the producing team is trying to work around the censorship laws in their own way. By making hcg’s emotions a little more over-the-top and obvious, it’s a lot easier for us as the viewer, especially queer fans that might understand queer dynamics better than others, to see and pick up on the subtext of what those exaggerated emotions mean while never having to be said out loud. And yes, we could argue that for those of us who have read the novel, it’s easier to recognise those subtle moments of vulnerability even if hcg’s reaction was made as ambiguous as it is in the book, because we have a lot more context. We have to remind ourselves that Hualian’s love story is never gonna be shown in the donghua in the same as the novel and people who are new to the story won't pick up on their relationship as easily.

As someone who hand’t heard of TGCF until Netflix licensed the donghua in my region (in 2021 I think?), I actually highly appreciate this difference in hcg’s character in the donghua. And while I don’t appreciate queerbaiting, watching season 1 made me search for the original source material and ended up with 8 very expensive books on my shelf (it took me 2 years to find volume 2 in stock somewhere…. 2 YEARS because I refuse to buy from amazon). San Lang (specifically referring to hcg’s form in volume 1 or season 1) is definitely slightly more aloof and energetic than hcg in his real form, so I do believe that his adaptation in season 1 was a lot more true to the source than season 2 seems to be.

My personal opinion is that, we need to view the donghua with a little more leniency as they have limits to the scenes they will be adapting later on (if the donghua doesn’t get dropped. Let us all pray together) and they have to make some things a little more obvious (but still no homo) to keep as much of the gay factor as they can without getting, you know, arrested. At the end of the day, it comes down to us what we prefer to consume and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with people preferring one over the other. It's valid to prefer hcg in the novels and it's valid to also enjoy hcg's donghua adaptation, even if he's different and not completely true to the OG material.

Now when it comes to the whole “making xl seem oblivious thing”…. The jury is still out on this one I’m afraid. This was the final scene of the latest episode meaning, we don’t actually know how they’re gonna adapt the following scenes and this could very heavily affect the way xl reacts from here on. An adaptation is just that and like mentioned before, the donghua team has to make decisions on how to adapt things due to censorship. And at the end of the day, I think this is an interesting take on xl’s character as one of the biggest parts of his character is how he struggles to accept love and care from other people so one can argue that… He actually is oblivious in this scene? Especially at this point in the story considering he’s known hcg for like, a week, 2 weeks max (do not quote me on that, I haven’t actually calculated, I am lazy. Point is, he hasn’t known him for very long at this point in time). And while I would for sure be a bit disappointed if he still is presented like this later on in the story, we’re still too early into it to criticise the donghua over this and future scenes that haven’t even been touched yet. It’s not in any way fair to base our opinions on the upcoming scenes on a singular 2 minute clip of Hualian’s interaction.

So, I have said my peace. Please remember that everything I’ve discussed is purely my opinion and not fact, so take this post with a grain of salt. I’d actually love to discuss this further with people so please send asks if you have anything to add!

(This is also another good post to read about the censorship stuff I talked about in this post. I like how this user phrased it.)

Once again, thank you for reading a (lengthy for once) ramble!

theNanamiSimp

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I'm into March 2011 of the Peacock and Gamble podcast, and Ed Gamble's been off as tour support with Greg Davies' show Firing Cheeseballs at a Dog. In the podcast they mentioned that Ed had just been filming something for Dave involving Greg Davies, which I assume would be this episode of Dave's One Night Stand that has a couple of little clips of the stand-up on YouTube. It also has this weird little clip that seemed to have been filmed as a sort of companion to the episode:

That podcast bit also reminded me that YouTube contains a documentary of that tour, mainly consisting of Ed Gamble "interviewing" Greg Davies, which was released as an extra on the DVD of that show. A show I have downloaded but have never actually watched, maybe I should spend a day watching the Greg Davies stand-up specials sometime soon. Seems like the sort of thing I should have watched by now. As it is, I'm a big fan of all of Taskmaster and the scraps of We Are Klang that can still be dug up (including their entire sitcom that's on YouTube), no experience with Greg Davies from in between (pun genuinely not intended, but I have also seen The Inbetweeners). Except with this DVD extra of Greg Davies travelling around the country in 2011 and Ed Gamble following him with a camera:

I found it slightly annoying this week when the Taskmaster Class thing turned out to be exactly what it was always likely to be, just a clip show with Greg and Alex commentating while being completely in character and therefore adding nothing new. I mean, it can be funny when they read their in-character jokes off an autocue, but you sort of hope for something that's meant as an added extra to feel less autocue-y and more behind the scenes. If anyone else is slightly annoyed about that (even though that's what the Taskmaster Class thing was always going to be), the above is a YouTube video that's the opposite of that. I mean obviously things like that are also contrived to some extent, but certainly less so. Ed Gamble had learned his documentary-making skills well.

Anyway, someone who's heard the Peacock and Gamble podcast before told me that the professional jealousy starts kicking in when Ed Gamble does that fake royal reality show (a thing I didn't recognize by its title, Almost Royal, but I did recognize it when I looked it up because it's something I've heard Ed Gamble reference in interviews and things, it seems very odd, also has Tom Neenan), but this is several years before that.

Though really, this isn't the beginning of anything either. About seven episodes into the first season of The Ray Peacock Podcast, a 21-year-old Ed Gamble went to the 2007 Edinburgh Fringe Festival and missed a couple of podcast episodes, and Ray Peacock had a whole rant while he was gone about being upset that Ed was off hanging out with comedians who weren't him and doing comedy without him, and I thought, "Well that's not destined to end well. Even if that rant was 98% exaggerated for comic effect, which I assume it was, if that was based on a 2% kernel of reality, then if you don't like him performing at a university revue in Edinburgh for a few weeks, just wait until you hear what else is coming up in Ed Gamble career news."

Anyway, the main point of this post is to say most of the Peacock and Gamble stuff should stay buried forever, but there is a sizeable Greg Davies fandom on Tumblr that would probably enjoy the above audio clip, if you like hearing people speculate with wild comedic overstatement about Greg's sexual exploits. And I know that speculating with wild comedic overstatement about Greg's sexual exploits is right up Tumblr's alley.

[bohemian-nights]

I read your “Lady Danbury” fanfic (which I loved) so I figured that means you’ve watched Bridgerton, so I’ve got to ask what are your opinions on Edwina?

Glad you like it(I'm going to try updating soon). Yes, I've watched Bridgerton and despite how much I talk about HOTD, it's my absolute favorite show on air right now 😊

As far as Edwina Sharma goes, bless her. I know she gets hate from a lot of the fandom(which I try to stay away from because I don’t need to be in two crazy fandoms 🤣 ) including from some Kate stans because of how she “acted” upon finding out Anthony and Kate had feelings for each other, but I genuinely don’t understand why.

Edwina reacts how any sane person would react and it’s not like she doesn’t forgive Kate, but that’s her sister (and Kate’s the older sister who speaking as an older sister 🫠). To have your sister fall in love with your fiancé/the man who is courting you is a truly mortifying experience.

Now I’m not going to blame Kate too much because again they are sisters, Kate isn’t a bad sister, and as much as I love Anthony Bridgerton he’s the one that puts them in an awkward situation.

Kate never really egged him on in that way, but as embarrassing as it would be, she should’ve told Edwina what was going on. Even if Edwina chose not to believe her at least she warned her about the situation 🤷🏽‍♀️

Of course, you have people who say that Edwina herself should’ve known what was happening, but she’s only 18, and who in their right mind is going to guess that their sister and their fiancé have feelings for each other 🤷🏽‍♀️

Before I go ranting on endlessly, season 2 was very messy. They did spend too much time dragging out the Edwina doesn't know drama, which is resolved pretty quickly in the book from what I've heard.

I can kinda understand why Kathony fans would be upset with everything being dragged out since it seemingly limited the spicy time(which is another reason why Queen Charlotte was so spicy), but Edwina herself is a sweet character who deserves nothing but the best.

If she popped up married to the prince or if they ever had Bridgerton The Movie and gave her a little romance arc, that would be perfect👍🏽

[bebouhito]

Nanahito domestic AU, past mpreg, fluff, 600 words ↓↓↓

Nanami stirs with a groan. "What?"

"Psst. Kento?"

"Are you sleeping?"

Nanami squints his eyes. He really can't afford to lose a single hour of sleep during the short periods of time that the baby isn't crying. 

"I was… Why did you wake me up?"

No answer. He rolls over on his back and sighs.

"Mahito, what is it?"

"You sound mad." Mahito replies with a little voice. Nanami turns his head to look at him.

"I'm not, I'm just tired. You should be sleeping too."

"How can you sleep?"

Nanami props himself up on his elbow to get a better look at Mahito. The curse is sitting with his knees drawn to his chest.

"What do you mean?" 

"Don't you feel it too?"

Mahito looks genuinely upset, so, despite going back to bed being the only thing Nanami wants to do, he tries to be patient.

"I'm sorry, but it's four in the morning and I have no idea what you're talking about. Can't it wait a few hours?"

Mahito's frown intensifies and shows that, no, it cannot wait.

"I think there's something in my belly, where the baby used to be, and it keeps telling me bad things could happen to him at any moment, even when everything's alright. I feel like he might be constantly needing something, even when he's not crying, and I doubt myself. I created a whole, fully functional human being, but now that he's his own person, I feel like this is too much, and so much bigger than me. When I look at him, I think he's sending emotional beams directly into my brain because I've never felt like this before. Can he do that?"

Nanami laughs softly and sits up, wrapping his arms around Mahito's upper body and resting his head on his shoulder.

"Maybe he can, because I feel the same."

"See! I was right!!" Mahito cries out a little bit too loud.

"Shhh." Nanami whispers in his ear. "It's parental anxiety. It's perfectly normal."

"But if you feel it too, then how can you sleep so well?"

"Well… I'm human, so I always needed more sleep than you in the first place. I also tell myself that I'm fully prepared to handle this… tiny human-curse hybrid and that I don't have to deal with all this on my own."

Mahito can tell Nanami is smiling as he refers to their newborn child as some sort of curious creature, which, to be honest, he kind of is.

"That means you can rely on me, and that, whatever happens, I'll be by your side." He adds, and Mahito, though he knows it, always feels a bit relieved to hear it from Nanami himself.

He pauses before asking:

"... Am I going to feel like this forever?"

"I'm afraid so."

Before Mahito can add anything, Nanami shifts their position and drapes his arm over Mahito's chest to gently pull him back onto the bed.

"But it's a good thing. It shows how much love you have for him. Everyday, I can tell; you are so, so loving."

Mahito practically melts into Nanami's arms. "I love you, too."

Wailing can be heard from the next room. Nanami sighs and presses a kiss to Mahito's forehead before getting out of bed. They both know it was supposed to be Mahito's turn to go.

"Get some sleep." Nanami orders him. "I can do a lot, but I can't handle two sleep-deprived babies at the same time."

Mahito doesn't protest. At the end of the day, even with the arrival of their son, he loves still being Nanami's baby.

[hum-tittle]

So, Firstly, Astarion is designed like catnip to a certain. Kind of person.

I love a shitty little man and he fills that need beautifully, but he may just not be a character for you.

Even at his best, he doesn't become a good person, he's just on his way to being one.

But you do need him present for like, all of the game, and to get his random dialogue, and, and to make the right choices.

There's a lot of little moments sprinkled throughout that game that show him sort of getting to like helping people, and enjoying the idea of being a hero. (His response to lifting the shadow curse where he seems kinda chuffed to be banishing shadows is such a swerve from his I hate it after the tiefling party.) And his spawn ending has him going off to do just that.

And even then, it's not amazingly noticeable if you aren't studying him in a lab.

As for the ascension.

You gotta talk him out of it via persusion rolls. The DC is 15 at very high, probably lower at exceptional. Which, isn't especially high seeming to me. Given that there's plenty of ways to get bonuses.

And his response the next day is genuinely very sweet and sincere. If you've got a save before hand it might be worth it to go back and see what the fuss is about, because I think a lot of why the spawn route appeals is that post cazador thank you.

But it's completely in character that he lashes out when backed into a corner and feels denied the one thing he thinks, in the moment will fix his problems.

But even then, the worst thing he does when denied the ascension is throw a tantrum, yell at you and break the staff locking everyone in. It is unparalleled levels of petty, but he doesn't attack Tav, or kill the spawn. Which I think says something about him.

And then he presumably runs off and immediately turns into a mindflayer because the emperor drips his protection.

If he's left entirely to his own devices (the other party members are unconscious, or silenced) he lets all the spawn out. But that's the only scenario where he does it on his own. I've heard anecdotal evidence there's some kind of secret track, some collection of specific dialogues that will have him choose not to ascend, or simply agree if given a hard no from Tav or another party member (if Tav is down.) But I've never seen proof or screenshots, so that might also be a thing.

I was curious about what happened with all the choices.

So he attacks if you stop mid ascension.

He gets really upset if he's there and you don't let him ascend.

When he ascends, he becomes power-crazy and wants to dominate the world basically.

If you don't take him, he's upset you don't take him but he does understand if you pass the check.

Now I didn't have the dialogue of him thanking me as other people had but that night, that's when Orin revealed herself, so that might be why I haven't had that conversation yet.

The more I'm learning about Astarion, the more I love the game! So many games you can only play like twice, and then it's kinda boring. But this is a game I'm going to play multiple times, and it's going to feel different! The creators did such a great job, and I haven't even finished the game!!

[betweenthings2]

okay right. it is Fic Ask time 🙂‍↕🙂‍↕🙂‍↕ YAHOO greatest fears, wringing hands, loudest silence here i come. also sorry this is a little late !! if ur birthday was before i sent this then i hope u enjoyed and if its after then i also hope u enjoy !!! ☺️☺️

"I-" Matty chokes on a sob, "I'm gonna do it, George. I think I'm gonna do it."

never write another word again or i fear you may kill me. GOOD GOD. :( <- me atm

"I've heard it doesn't hurt--do you think that's true?" Matty asks. In the background, George can hear the sound of packaging being opened and George knows.

I FEEL SICK. no it is Not true matthew stop pls im gonna start sobbing. george knows :(((

"Sorry," Matty mumbles. "Sorry for botherin' you."

okay well 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i actually forgot how sad this is. i blocked it out the same way womens bodies supposedly do after pregnancy. i am going to SCREAM AND CRY

Matty is quiet for a moment, then he says, "Do you think it'll stain the grout? Will my mum be upset I ruined the tile, do you think?"

ohhhh the way hes more worried about how she'll react instead of worrying about himself:(( my chest hurts pls

"There's so much, G," Matty says, something like awe in his voice. "Do you think my mum will be upset?"

google how do i be normal. i genuinely might just sob. :(( i just can't get over how u managed to get that. like. the sort of innocence to it ??? like hes so out of it he cant understand it properly Ohhhhhh :(((

OH THE LETTER NO NO NO NO NO

You deserve something.

i am going to explode thank you

I don't think I'm meant to make it, G. It's ok, though. It's been good. You made it good, but I'm tired and I'm sad and everything hurts.

there are no words in the english language i could possibly use to describe how this hurt me

I know this is happening to you, not me, not really, not anymore.

YOUR DEATH IT WONT HAPPEN TO YOU IT HAPPENS TO YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR FRIENDS 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i just absolutely cannot comprehend how you put so much sadness into this. im going to sob

And then George is ugly crying in the waiting room. It's big, heaving sobs and it's all he can do to get himself outside so he doesn't bother anyone. Dimly, he thinks that this is the worst day of his life, then immediately tells himself off for feeling sorry for himself when he doesn't even know if Matty is still alive and if he is, then he's somewhere alone and hurting and instead of being there for him, George is feeling sorry for himself.

i had to put my phone down after reading this paragraph and go and scream silently at my cat over it. this pain transcends species. :((((((((( the way uve gotten the idea that it just makes everyone feel shit and then they feel bad for feeling shit and just OHHHHH. ☹️☹️☹️

Regardless of the semantics, Matty looks peaceful. His arms are wrapped in gauze from wrist to elbow, there's an IV in the back of his left hand, and he connected to several other machines, but he looks peaceful, like he's getting long neglected rest.

i need this tattooed like you know how some people get ones that go around their arms all the way like a bracelet im gonna do that but ill do it somewhere that can fit this entire paragraph and im gonna show it to every single person i meet. what the fuck. peaceful ohhhhh what if i sob. ive also been seeing a lot of stuff about divine machinery or whatever it is and this made me think of that? just the image of him in a bed with wires all going to him . im going to explode

"I should say that to you," George counters. "You were going to make me listen to you die."

☹️ I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS

"Why couldn't you just let me die?" Matty repeats. "'s not like I'm worth it. I'm not worth it, G. You'll be better without me. You'll all be better without me."

tears in my stupid gay real person fiction painted eyes. u cannot just WRITE THAT oh my GOD. ☹️☹️☹️ they will most definitely not be better without u matty pls :(

"You say that," Matty says, his voice thick, "but you don't mean it. You don't want me around when I can't get out of bed, or when I can't seem to stop talking, or when I loose things and double book myself and forget we had plans and give up on things 'cause they're not interesting anymore, or when I try to control everything, or when I fuck something else up, 'cause I will, or-"

my heart hurts. i just cannot deal with this. im going to be in a hospital bed in a minute Oh this is so :((((((

It takes a while, but eventually, George scrubs the blood from the tile, revealing the stains on the tile and grout. Kneeling there, slightly sweaty from the frenzied scrubbing and on the verge of tears, George remembers Matty's worries about the grout. Suddenly it's so ridiculous that George has to laugh and a bird's eye view of himself pops into his head and he has to laugh harder. When he dissolves into tears he'd tried so hard to fight, he starts scrubbing the floor again, but the stains are stuck, so he gives up. It's only when George is done in the bathroom and he goes to leave that he realizes that there are more boot prints through Matty's room and across the plush cream colored carpeting Denise had put in as soon as Louis wasn't a toddler anymore. George doesn't have it in him to clean that, too.

hey so did you know i actually cannot deal with this. i just cannot. the grrroooouuuuuttttttt :((((((

The third thing is that Matty is retrained.

:(

"Matty's not violent."

MATTYS NOT VIOLENT 😭😭😭 crying into my latte pls omfg. the way he sees him at his best even when its probably wrong IM GONNA CRY

"Still," Matty protests. "I didn't want you to see the mess I made."

my cat got in the way of me reading this and now she has my chin on her back and is 'reading' along with me. maybe i shouldve chosen something happier. character development. anyway i am Losing my fucking mind oh good god

Matty raises his eyebrows, saying, "Who knew that's what it took for you to start yelling?"

matty brings out the best and worst in him and its making me sick. OJ MYCGOD

I was gonna take pills, but it was right there and I've heard it doesn't hurt if you use something sharp enough, so I called you, and I wanted you to be the last person I talked to."

THIS IS NOT OKAY I AM NOT OKAY NOTHING IS OKAY NOTHING WILL EVER BE OKAY EVER AGAIN. :((((((( i cant even explain how this affects me

"I spent an hour and a half last night trying to bleach your blood from your bathroom tile," George continues, "and the only thing I see when I close my eyes is what it looked like when I got there and bloody fucking tracks across your mum's nice carpet and you, in a fucking casket, and all I can think is that everyone failed you and that I failed you, and I love you, Matty, and I know everything's kinda a mess in your head and I know it's not about me, but please, for just a minute, think about the people who love you."

i cant put into words what im feeling while reading this but just know this is what i look like

I CANNOT FUCKING DEAL

"I'm gonna fight for you," George says, a little softer. "Why can't you fight for you, too?"

"I don't have the energy to fight," Matty answers quietly.

"Will you let me?"

OH WHAT THE FUCK CAN WE STOP THIS. IM GOING TO SCREAM. u put So much. sad. into ur writing. and its so impressive. i am going to explode. will u let me THERES TEARS. STOP (do not)

George wants to yell at them, tell them that sedating Matty doesn't solve anything, that he's small enough that he's not a threat to anyone, that sedation is half of Matty's problem. George doesn't say anything, just watches.

SMALL ENOUGH TGAT HES NOR A THREAT RO ANYOEN STOP THIS MADNESS IMMEDIATELY. OH MY GOD 😭😭😭😭😭 i actually need to see a doctor im going insane

Sometimes, they all go together and it breaks George's heart to watch Matty trying so hard to be himself for his brother. At some point, Matty's stitches get removed, but the cuts are still red and angry and tender and Matty opts for long sleeves so no one sees them, himself included.

. tears in my eyes .

this is not okay

im going to die

"himself included" :((((( im unwell

"Did you, did they, at the hospital did you, uh-" Matty cuts himself off.

"Did they give me your note?" George fills in.

im feeling very normal about this. the most normal. oh my god. i feel like this emoji ☹️ i CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS

"It broke my heart," George admits.

READING THIS IS BREAKING MINE ☹️ sob sob sob sob sob im going to explode

"You think my life is worth saving," Matty continues, slowly.

i genuinely might start sobbing. death and destruction and pain and OH MY GOOOODDDDDDDD 😭😭😭

George would want to wake up like this forever if Matty didn't look so vacant.

there used to be a heart in my chest but its since shrivelled up and DIED. this is for real going to kill me. pls im SAD ☹️ i love this so much

"Mostly that I really, really love you," Matty mumbles, sheepish. "And about what we talked about last night."

☹️ he loves george so much it makes me SICK. and u know what else makes me sick. how sad. this fic. is making me. but in a good way. im so obsessed im going to CRY

Matty gives a minute shake of his head and says, "I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna wake up and fucking brush my teeth and, and try so hard to do everything right and be enough and still fucking fail. I'm tired, George and the meds make it worse and everyone looks at me like I'm about to lose it and my mum keeps fucking apologizing and I've got these fucking scars that I'm gonna have forever and everyone will know how fucked up I am."

screaming crying throwing up im going to my library and telling them about you and making them tell everyone that comes in about you. this is terrible for my heart but so wonderful for every other part of me. my heart hurts. i love this so much

Matty shakes his head again. "You just look sad."

:((((((((( he just looks sad :(((((((((

"It's fucking hideous. And I did it to myself," Matty argues. "I cut myself. And then I tore the fucking stitches out. Who does something like that?"

im printing this and binding it or like sticking it to my walls and making it into a poster. oh my FUCKING GOD this is so sad and ohsjkwkdmdxkewkdkoeod i need to be SEDATED

Matty groans, ever the dramatic, but agrees, "Fine."

:'))) he still has parts of himself left :'))) he might be terrible mentally but he is Still Matty !!!

Years from now, when they're sitting in a house George has cleaned top to bottom, in a kitchen where the strongest thing is a single pack of ibuprofen and even the cooking wine has been thrown out in the wake of Matty's time in rehab, George will tell Matty of this victory. Matty will cry and apologize and cry some more, and George will hold him and try not to think about the scars, silvery and faded, on Matty's forearms.

I ACTUALLY CANNOT COPE WITH THIS. !??!??!?!??!?!??! how do you just Casually say the most...beautiful sentences...and act like its the same as any other. im in AWE of you. !!!!!!! so sad !!! so happy !!!!!! so !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In one of the fights that will become more frequent in the coming months, Denise will yell at Matty about how much it cost to have the carpeting and bathroom tile replaced.

DENISE...BE NICE...STOP. im gonna die. oh my god pls no sTOP IT

"Am I," he pauses, "am I gonna be ok? I think I wanna be ok."

fighting demons to Not Cry atm. oh my god. i am. just. oh my god. :( he wants to be okay :(

Matty keeps wearing long sleeves and George can't help but be afraid that Matty break if he's not gentle enough.

never speak again or you Will kill me. oh my god. the way he loves him makes me die inside but in a happy way. do u get the vibe. i hope u get the vibe. i love this in a way that only Vibes can convey

This isn't Matty from before, but it isn't the Matty that wrote the suicide note George can't bring himself to throw out.

hi what the fuck. this is gorgeous and i need it engraved in marble under like. a carving of you or something. oh my FUCKING GOD i swear im putting this somewhere idk where but its going SOMEWHERE

They're sharing a joint and hiding out in Matty's bedroom when he speaks up.

i know its sad and all but this is making me so soft. like. its so intimate i just love it so much :((( sharing a joint even when theyre meant to go on some huge tour ohhhhhh my HEART HURTS. also the image of teeny tiny mini matty being so sad ??????? stop ??????? pls i didnt realise he was meant to be that young im :(((((

this is the most wonderful thing ive ever read and it genuinely should be shown to everybody who even knows what suicide is or something. just everybody. i love it so much and u HAVE to know how amazing it is like omg. i also just realised i didnt give it kudos the first time ?? past me was a little freak. i did like it though i remember that, i think i was just shy, anyway, its amazing and u have to know that. ok. enjoy the rest of ur birthday month and think lots about sad matty i love u u are the best

Fic thoughts!! Thank you so much! My actual birthday was unexciting--I just went to class--but I'm seeing Charli xcx soon and it's still birthday season, so I think that counts for something =)

Anyway, fic time!

Poor fictional!Matty--he's so desperate and scared--and poor fictional!George, hearing him like that =(

George knows!!! !!!! He knows but he doesn't want to know but he can't make himself not know!! They are so very, very tragic.

Fictional!Matty thinks he's a bother!!! He just wants a little bit of comfort in the end from fictional!George, but he still just thinks he's a bother.

He's still so sure he's a bother and the problem =(( Fictional!Matty is just trying to stop being the problem and here he is, certain he's causing another one.

(If I knew how to be normal I would tell you, unfortunately, this fic came from my little head, so normal is kind of out of the question.) However. Fictional!Matty is mostly impressed that he managed to do it and impressed that all of the blood was inside him. He's lost too much blood to be logical about anything, but he's impressed with himself.

The letter!! Fun fact, the letter was almost not a part of this fic because I didn't know how to write it.

Fictional!George does deserve something! He deserves everything, fictional!Matty just doesn't know how to give it.

Hurt was the goal, if I'm being honest. Sorry. I'm glad it worked, but sorry.

I will admit, "I Always Wanna Die (Sometimes)" was very much the foundation of the letter. Fictional!Matty knows he's not the one it's happening to, but he just doesn't know what else to do.

Poor, poor fictional!George =( =( He's so in love and he thinks he might have just lost the person he loves and it really is the worst day of his life, but what about fictional!Matty? What's happening to him? This is probably the worst day of his life, too. (I hope you and your cat have recovered. My goal was never to upset anyone's pets.)

Poor, poor fictional!George that this is how fictional!Matty looks peaceful. And the divine machine is such a good concept!! I'll be thinking about that for the foreseeable future =) and oh my god, tattoo my writing on you? That's too much of a compliment. I don't know what to do.

I think this fic could boil down to poor fictional!George. He was going to have to listen to fictional!Matty die!! They're so sad.

It could also boil down to poor fictional!Matty, too. He's so convinced everyone would be better without him and fictional!George doesn't know what to do about it =(

Fictional!Matty hates himself so much and he absolutely cannot reconcile the fact that fictional!George loves him so much. He can't help but think fictional!George is blind.

The grout!!! There's a piece of writing advice floating around out there that essentially amounts to the bigger and more dramatic the thing you're writing about, the smaller the thing you focus on should be as a demonstration of how big that thing is. Suicide and self-loathing are massive things to tackle, the grout is a near microscopic demonstration.

Love that my typo on restrained is committed to memory now. Anyway, fictional!Matty is restrained! He's a danger to himself!!!

The only person fictional!Matty has any kind of violence for is himself!!

I hope your cat is doing ok =/ Tragedy can be build character, maybe. I am of the opinion that tragedy is good for us, actually.

Fictional!M+G are the best and the worst of each other, I would argue. They have, in this fic, loved each other nearly as long as they've been real people. Of course they bring out the best and worst in each other. That's what they are.

Fictional!Matty is so, so certain he's been horribly selfish, but fictional!George is so ridiculously grateful he was able to save his life. Fictional!Matty is also terminally curious, so of course he'd want to know if it really hurt. (He hoped it wouldn't--he doesn't handle pain well--but it did.)

I would tell you what I looked like writing this, but I cannot remember what I was thinking when I wrote this, but again, poor, poor fictional!George. He's angry, but he's pretty sure he doesn't have the right to be, but god, he is.

I will never stop writing angst. Of all the things I'm actively working on (so many, so, so many), there are about three that aren't angsty, two of which are smut. So. There will be so much more angst.

Fictional!Matty is little tiny! The orderly could just put fictional!Matty over his shoulder and carry him out but he doesn't!! Ahhhh

Fictional!Matty still hates himself, hates what he's done to himself. Fictional!George wouldn't tell him, but he hates seeing the scars, too, so he's not going to complain about the long sleeves, just grieve everything that's happened.

The letter! Originally, they were just going to have a conversation about it here, but then I actually wrote it, so they're just sad here.

Fictional!George probably needs therapy after this--he's so sad, endlessly sad, but at least fictional!Matty is alive.

Fictional!Matty is there, but he's not really there, but at least he's sort of there =(

Fictional!Matty loves fictional!George so much!! He just might hate himself more.

Tell everyone in the library about my sad fics?!?! I am very touched, but that might be too much--I'm just some guy. But, hopefully my next fic hurts less.

They're just sad!!!!

Poor fictional!Matty is angry now, too. He hates what he's done to himself and literally all he can do is live with it. =(

He's still himself! That's what makes it worse for fictional!George--it would be easier if fictional!Matty was just. absent, but he's not and it's heartbreaking.

They will ever, ever escape this. They will live under the shadow of this one thing forever because fictional!Matty will literally bear the scars forever.

Fictional!Denise doesn't know what to do with this either!! Fictional!Matty just fights with her in a way that he doesn't with fictional!George. In his defense, living with your parents in your early twenties is a little bit rough sometimes.

Fictional!Matty wants to try, he just doesn't know how!!

I do get the vibe!! It's a good vibe!!

I do not know what the fuck, I'm sorry. I do know that fictional!George will never throw the letter away. Fictional!Matty will find it at some point, ten or fifteen years down the line, and he'll read it and cry, and then fictional!George will find him and then they'll cry together.

They're so young!! They're too young for this, too young to figure out how to cope with this, but they have to. They have to and maybe that's biggest tragedy of it all!

Here's a fun fact that's maybe not very fun--this fic was originally going to titled "Call Your Mom," because that's the song that inspired it, but it didn't seem quite right when I finished it.

Thank you so much for reading and your thoughts and all the compliments!! I'm so touched and I promise I'm actively working on the fictional!George in a skirt fic.

[thereweresunflowers]

IMHO this is pretty cut and dry -- you either ignored or momentarily forgot that trans women are queer women. Now you're back-pedaling and saying you were always talking about just lesbians (as if you can't relate to trans girls as characters? only lesbians? what???). It's your own words that are leading to people thinking you are being transphobic.

Honestly? I suggest you apologize and admit you fell into the same trap of overshadowing under-valued representation with more easy-to-swallow palatable characters. You're guilty of the same (absolutely correct) complaint you're making, and you've now backed yourself into a corner by acknowledging it without apologising. Very frustrating to see as a transfem follower. Thought you'd clear it up after you saw people in your notes.

hiya! i would really like to apologise for the post i made last night, it was definitely in bad taste and was not well thought through at all. i've deleted it because i don't think it is helpful or gratious towards furthering discussions of the importance of transfem rep and i don't want to spread further upset.

i've been having a really wonderful conversation with the person who originally flagged the transmisognyistic tendancies of the original post and it's been really enlightening to have a discussion on transfem rep which is a topic i saddeningly haven't heard a lot of the nuances of before.

the phrasing of the original post is flawed, i really should've used 'sapphic women'/wlw & mlm instead to better express my point. i intended to criticse the fandom's reactions to the explicit wlw/mlm representation in doctor who - like how the thasmin arc does explicitly span multiple hours of specials and has a much richer wealth of representation than the throwaway lines so many people cling to when a male doctor expresses same-sex desire. i guess this comes from a position of writing femslash and the very noticable fandom misogny when considering wlw/mlm relationships, which i feel does need more discussion in fandom. i hope this provides further context of what i was clumsily trying to say but again i do really appreciate now how a discussion of queer women rep in doctor who which doesn't reference the massive steps recently made in transfem rep is an issue in itself and never something i intended to perpetuate.

i really didn't mean to imply i can't relate to trans girls as characters, i don't believe that at all and i'm sorry it came across that way! having learnt more about the wider frustrations about how sapphic fandom reacts to transfem rep, this is clearly a common issue. i'm genuinely really excited to do some further thinking about my relationships to transfem characters in the show and interrogate my own transmisogynistic tendancies as i think it is really important!

i really hope this clears the air because i'm aware it was a huge misstep on my part. i'm always more than happy to continue discussing this issue in dms which i think is the most fruitful space for genuine and nuanced conversation!! it's a work in progress and i obviously have a lot to learn :)

[allgonejeon]

Dec 2018

“Good things are worth working for”

Dear you:

I don't expect anything to change after I write this. I figured that if this is how things are going to stay, I might as well be honest with you. You don't have to read this if you don't want to. But I still want to be sincere; whether you're genuinely curious about my side of the story or really couldn't care less and don't want to know about me at all. I wouldn't blame you. I think you're doing well without me.

I've been a two-faced jerk; we both know that. Texting you like I care when I ignore your existence in person –simply because I don't know how to handle my emotions, let alone know how to act. I know it looks bad, and I'm really sorry for acting that way. I'm sorry if I hurt you or made you overthink as much as I have. I'm also sorry if I caused any problems for you during or after we were talking.

I would give up on someone like me, too. But despite all your so called "failed" attempts to get to know me by texting me and inviting me out with friends, you managed to get me to open up in a way no one's ever done before. They weren't failed attempts. The truth is that I cared about you maybe more than you cared about me. I just never really knew how to show it.

I really did like you a lot, you know. I always knew I was hard to get to know; my thoughts are deep that I even drive myself crazy. Those are things I couldn't change. It was an insecurity of mine. And I thought no one would even try to get to know me beyond surface level, you were the only one who actually tried— making me feel okay for being "misunderstood". You though of it as intriguing and I never thought anyone would ever like that side of me. You asked me questions no one's ever asked me before, and I really felt like you genuinely wanted to get to know me. Beyond surface level. I also used to hate how strong my emotions were. Before you, I would never admit to finding anyone attractive, let alone admit having feelings for anyone. It was weird; my whole life, every time I would feel butterflies in my stomach because of someone, I felt like punching myself unconscious. It drove me mentally insane. I hated my emotions and how soft I turned when I had feelings for someone. I didn't want anyone to know they had such control over me. There was nothing enjoyable about having crushes at all. But talking to you made me feel so okay with something so natural that I was trying to kill for years. But all in all, I would have never developed the confidence I have now if it weren't for you. I see myself the way you saw me before. Unique.

You were so special to me and I appreciated you a lot. I've always been extremely loyal, even without commitment. I turned down guys because I genuinely didn't have feelings for anyone but you. And I seriously believed it was mutual. I knew you had a reputation from the start. Some of my family and friends were iffy about you, but I'm never the one to become influenced by who my friends should or shouldn't be. I always decided that for myself. But when I heard that you were talking to other girls besides me, that really hurt me. It was like the cherry on top, in a way. Because to my surprise, I was hurt but I wasn't surprised. You say you don't remember much of anything, and I guess I can't blame you. You and I were on the phone talking about that specifically and not once did I hear you apologise to me for the way I felt. Even if you thought you were right and I was wrong for simply being so hurt about something so valid. I had the right to be upset and you made me feel like I was a disappointment to you because I "gave in" and believed what I heard; I'm only human. I was really expecting you to explain— to do anything to try to keep me. But you never did. And I guess I just had to realize that it meant you didn't want me as much as I thought you did. You said through the phone at one point that you just couldn't wait to find that one girl who just won't believe anyone but you. I had to sit there and listen to you while thinking "I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment". You’d always tell me that good things are worth working for. And I started to feel like I wasn’t good enough.

You gave up on me so easily.

Those numerous amount of times you would decide to stop talking to me and leave me hanging instead of actually talking thing out with me, that hurt too because I would overthink and wonder what in the world I did wrong for you to stop talking to me. When G was trying to "shoot his shot" and I was (as per usual) just shy out of my mind to even talk to you, you said you'd let him have me. You gave up on me so easily and made me feel so awful for being upset over things that really hurt me to the core. And I'll admit again, that I act like a jerk. I'm not the best at handling my emotions because they're just too strong. That's why I'm so bitter. That's why whenever I look at you, I just can't help but to remember everything in a flash. And God knows I'm trying so hard to forgive and forget. Most importantly for me, I really just want to forgive. Once I forgive, it'll be easier for me to forget. I never talk bad about you behind your back to others as if I were handing out flyers. I don't try to ruin anyone's image of you. I wouldn't do that to anyone. But I always put you first. I always wanted to make sure you were okay. If you were doing good spiritually, mentally, emotionally— I wanted to make sure you were happy. And I still do today. B, I cared about you so much and I thought you cared about me just as much too. But I guess we're both jerks. None of us were ready and neither of us were sincerely honest with each other. The communication wasn't there and we weren't direct on what we wanted. I believed for the longest time that you had a lot to say and that you over-thought as much as I did but you would play it cool and never had the guts to talk tom me about us or our issues, our conflicts, or our feelings. But I later realized that the reason you wouldn't do that was because you really didn't have anything in you. That, in a way, it was all one sided. I did believe that there could've been something for us in the future. I guess we messed that up for us too. I just wish we could've started off as friends and kept it that way. We were stupid to jump into something we clearly weren't ready for yet. Maybe we could've been good friends right now; working on ourselves as we grew up— no hurt, no misunderstandings, no hate.

I know this sounds like I hate you and I'm still caught up on the past, but I'm far from that. This is a way for me to make peace with it now. It's not on my mind anymore. And my parents never hated you. They just wanted to protect me from getting hurt again. Especially my dad, who knows my emotions more than anyone. He knew that I would hurt myself more than you could hurt me, and he didn't want me to become disappointed. Dad was trying to save me from myself. Actually, he really appreciates your family; your dad specifically. When we moved, everyone was so dry. But your dad gave us a warm welcome and really made us feel comfortable. Even when he invited our family over to your house. Whenever I see your parents, they treat me and my sister so well. I appreciate your family.

Don't worry about me, though. I'm getting over it. I'm happy with my life right now. I'm not looking for anything serious with anyone anytime soon. Unlike a certain someone, I'm not a play-girl who's always talking to various people at a time lol. I'm focusing on myself spiritually and I'm so happy making a name for myself besides the usual "so and so’s daughter" I would always get when I was back home lol. And I'm happy with my friends, too. They're all over the place. Sometimes I'm hanging out with my childhood friends, sometimes with Spanish friends, and with different groups here and there. But I have my select group of people I confide in. I love them and they make me feel loved and protected. They also help me spiritually too, which I'm grateful for. Overall, things are good; and I hope things are going well for you too. Remember that you aren't the only one with emotions and going through their own crap in life. What you do effects others in bigger ways than you think. Be the person God wants you to be and work hard to not only gain Gods approval, but to earn others' approval. That's important too. Reputations are difficult to change, but they won't change unless we do something about it. I want you to know that I'm here for you whenever you need me. Genuinely. I'll always be praying for you and I wish you nothing but the best in life. And I promise that after I finish this letter, I won't be giving you the silent treatment at the assemblies anymore (not that you cared lol).

I'll see you around, B.

7/28/23 I was so young. Him and I are “friends” I guess now. In good terms, there’s no bad blood. Like nothing ever happened, really. This letter is really a reflection of puppy love, and I’ve changed in so many ways. I’m open to love now and letting my heart be attached to people I care for. Not being scared of showing people I care. Sometimes it gets me into trouble emotionally, but I’m still learning. Some things are still the same though. I still value communication, loyalty, honesty and effort. I guess I just have never been the type of human to ever give up on people. Always willing to fix everything. I think that’s a nice quality to have. But it’s hard finding those who will fix things with me. I haven’t found him yet.

[lastoneout]

Been thinking about this a lot still and tbh in retrospect I genuinely do think my doctor was on board with me, I don't think she was lying, and tbh she seemed kinda upset and reserved after the other guy left when before she'd been super high-energy and happy, so like idk I guess I'm just sitting here wondering why in the complete fuck we have system set up where my doctor and I can have a frank discussion about my limitations and needs and come to an agreement only for some supervising physician I've literally never met before in my life to come in and shut her down so hard she legit has to lie and pretend she didn't agree with me while he tells me actually no I'm not getting anything I asked for. I don't know him. He's not my fucking doctor. He wasn't there for 90% of the appointment, he only heard what I said second hand over the course of like 2 minutes when it took me 15-20 to go over everything with my doctor. Why the fuck does he have final say??

And this stuff has been happening a lot idk if it's a staffing issue or something but at other doctor's offices I've talked to the nurse, talked to my doctor, and then at the end had some guy I've never met in my life come in and "go over" everything with me and I'm like?? Who are you. You aren't my provider. I don't know you. You weren't here for the appointment. Why is my fate in the hands of some random supervisor who doesn't even show up for most of the appointment and not my actual fucking doctor who was there the whole time. Why is it set up like this?

Just ugh I feel bad for my rhumatologist honestly like it really seemed like she wanted to help and he just completely shut her down. Tbh I think part of how upset I got was because I used to have similar stuff happen with my mom and the men she's been in abusive relationships with. Not saying this is the same but I'm def gonna be a little triggered when it seems like the person I'm talking to is on my side and agrees with what needs to be done to help the situation only for Someone Else to find out and force them to backtrack everything and/or act like they never agreed with me at all. It's not the same thing, I don't think those two are in an abusive relationship or anything, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel the same way.

Eugh I'm gonna have to unpack all of this in therapy I just know it.

the doctor said no to a wheelchair in the cruelest way possible