allgonejeon

[allgonejeon]

8/21/23 3:40pm • Age

I’m missing you a little extra today. I haven’t thought of you in almost a week but then Wonderwall started playing. For some reason the only thing I keep circling in my head is you saying “I don’t care about your problems, I just care about you”. Te quiero un montón, pero se que te tengo que dejar y es lo que estoy intentando. Lo único que siempre e querido es verte cara cara, abrazarte y tenerte en mis brazos. Pero te dejo. Espero que estes feliz porque tu felicidad es lo más importante para mi.

[allgonejeon]

8/16/2023 11:12pm • My Busy Boy

I thought of you today. I found Emmy’s old post where all of us were huddled in for a picture at Justin and Camille’s; the first time we met. All the memories came rushing back the second I saw it. You were right behind me in the photo. I remember noticing your accent; strong, always pronouncing your r’s heftily. I always liked that. I saw you again a few months after that at Carrolena’s party. I remember getting your number that night and gushing all the way to the restaurant I ditched the party for where I was supposed to meet my other friends that night. I remember texting you at dinner that night and as I was with the girls on our midnight ice cream run after dinner. My friends hyped me up to make plans with you right away and I saw you exactly one week after that at my house. My dog loved you. The next week I went to your football tournament where you absolutely killed it. Your team loved you and counted on you to make their win. I was on the sidelines taking care of your new fur baby and looking after your gym bag. I loved it when you’d wave at me from the field during your game. We excluded ourselves from the rest of the group and we sat on the grass together and played with Toby. I’d get so annoyed seeing your back all covered in dry grass when you’d get up from laying on it, I had to pat you down. And when my dads cap was dragged by the wind into the pond; you were about to jump in no question and spent almost an hour asking for people to fish it out. I loved the giddy smiles we’d give each other. I loved the random phone calls even when you were busy at work. Being sat so close to each other, shoulder to shoulder. When I’d lean forward to grab a snack from the coffee table when we’d be watching a movie on the couch, my hand naturally would rest on your thigh and I’d hold onto your knee for support. Even at restaurants when I’d lean to your side to sip your drink, my hand would always be on your knee and thigh. At one point I had my arm around yours during a movie and snuggled next to you and you were so stiff. Like you didn’t know what to do. And no matter what, my legs were always on top of yours in any way I could. I loved our nicknames; you were my busy boy and I was your hermosa. I loved our hugs; my arms wrapped around your torso, your arms wrapped around my shoulders. 5’3 and 6’2; we were the perfect height for each other. Your chin rested perfectly on my head and my ear fit right on your chest to where I could hear your heartbeat so clearly. I loved hearing it beating so fast, I never wanted to let go. At times I’d look up at you and you’d look down at me with those vibrant blue eyes and that pretty smile of yours. Your tone of voice would change the second you had your arms around me. You have a naturally stern tone but when we were chest to chest, your tone softened so much, it made my heart melt. I felt so safe in your arms. I loved feeling like you were mine and I was yours, even if it was very short lived. Regardless, it was a good few months and I’ll always remember those feelings even if they change in the future. Cutting people off was always easy for me, but never with guys I’ve talked to or dated. With you, however, it was pretty easy to cut ties. I did have some sort of attachment to you after two months of being together. At the end of the day, I didn’t deserve to be disrespected the way you did to me. But I’ll always love those two months. It was exciting and beautiful– a feeling I don’t think I’ve felt. At least not a feeling I remember feeling in a long time. They’re memories I’ll look back at fondly. Eventually I’ll find someone who’ll exceed the excitement I felt with you but I’m glad I made those memories with you nonetheless. It’s strange… how can I still look back at these memories with you so greatly and yet not want you back and be okay with that? It’s like a distant memory and feelings. All in all, I cared about you and I will always pray you’re doing well. I also hope Toby is well too, I miss that little guy.

[allgonejeon]

8/1/23 9:12pm • Age

Scott Street started playing and it instantly transported me back to when we first started talking. It was so new and I was terrified. I had so many good memories. I remember when you first unfollowed me then reached out to make sure I was okay. The night we spoke on the phone for the first time. The first time we FaceTimed face to face while I was washing dishes. The time we made things official. The time you told me you loved me. You said it first and I was the last one to say it. Its bittersweet having to let go of all those memories. Letting go of all our future plans and the life we talked about together. About you coming to visit me for the first time in November. We talked about owning a house like the one in the Hannah Montana Movie. Having a library for our books and having kids. How you always thought about how to handle my panic attacks when we’re asleep because that’s when I’d get them most. You said you’d hold me tight enough to make me feel safe and distract me with movies. You were my comfort person. The one I’d go to when I was feeling anxious. I get panic attacks at night, but knowing I had you to talk to every night before going to bed strangely calmed me down. It became a routine I loved. Now I go to bed alone and now you’re on yours too. I know we’re over and I have good reason to move on, but it’s difficult to do it when all the memories come rushing in. Although I know I need better, I miss you. A whole lot.

[allgonejeon]

8/1/23 9:48am • Age

We ended things officially almost a week ago. You said you wanted to move on and that I’ve hurt you and I respected your decision as you were very admin of it. You unfollowed me on tiktok, unfollowed my Spotify, and unfollowed our Spotify playlist where we shared songs. It stung, but as long as you hadn’t unfollowed me from Instagram. Today you got it back since you’ve disabled it. I noticed you watched my story and when I went to check your account, “this account is private”. You’d unfollowed me. You unfollowed my sister too, and my best friend. You also made your personal tiktok private when it’s always been public.

You know, when I was with C, I kept comparing him to you. He was following women influencers who posted a good amount of bikini pics. I always thought “Adrian never followed girls like that.” Maybe I’ve never noticed. When you broke up with me the second time I couldn’t help but notice you followed a girl who’s profile pic was completely suggestive. That was the first time I realized you were like him. Not only that, I became more aware of all the women you had on your Instagram. You followed mostly women. Before you made your tiktok account private, you followed a girl who’s videos were nothing but suggestive. Big breasts, Latina, bikinis and corsets too small for her chest.

You always talked about girls. Both when we were together or when we were just friends. It always made me feel insecure. You admitted to me that when you first broke up with me you didn’t find me attractive but you loved my personality, which is why you stayed. That stung. And since I’ve posted things that were a bit out of my comfort zone just to get your attention. Suddenly I was getting more from you and I felt like I had to look good always for you to not leave me. That was always in the back of my mind. You asked me to send you “hot” pictures of me to you while we weren’t dating and you’d keep bringing it up. You’d made sexual jokes at times which made me uncomfortable and one time you sent me suggestive videos of you in the dark with your shirt buttoned open. I always felt like I wasn’t attractive enough to be with you. I’d always think “if we’re together or even get married, all I’ll think about is if he’s looking at other girls.” I thought you were doing better spiritually. But learning about the inappropriate girls you started following, you confined my suspicion. You confirmed my insecurities. Yet you post on your second account about how you still miss me. I don’t get it. I never want to be with a man like that. And in a way, I thank you for ending things. I couldn’t have done it myself. You freed me. And you showed me your true colors. I’ll admit, I’m still left with insecurities from our relationship. But I’m hoping that with time I fix that for myself. And in time, I’ll find someone who’ll only have eyes for me. You made me realize that I was never asking for too much and that I should’ve never lowered so many of my standards for you. It wasn’t too much, it never was. You just never wanted to change, and you made it seem like it was my fault. But it’s not. I need someone spiritual, someone who respects my boundaries, who takes things slow, who only has eyes for me, someone who will be there for me and who’ll fight for me through good and bad. Something you failed to do. So thank you, Age. I’m free now…

[allgonejeon]

7/29/23 1:24am • Age

I don’t think I’ve ever felt this depressed since Dav back in 2021. And I don’t think I’ve ever told you about him. Although I don’t spend my nights praying to God to remove the life from my body so to not continue feeling pain like I did then, I’m grieving. I cried when you sent that last text but my body only allowed myself to do so for only a few seconds. I’ve been sleeping a lot. My body is reacting now. I woke up with chills without having a fever. It only lasted half an hour. Today was the first day since my breakup back in ‘21 that I spend the whole day without eating or drinking water; that’s until I went over to my friends house and had pizza. I feel like Jah knew I would need a busy weekend, and god did I need it. It was nice being with friends. But to be honest, the thought of me wishing you were there hit me a few times. I think you would’ve liked my friends. The guys would’ve loved you. There were like ten of us at my friends house, we were all on the couch voting on what to watch. I told them I voted for Shrek 2 and the dude next to me agreed. I told him “nah dude but like I’m gonna be super annoying though because I quote the whole entire movie and won’t shut up” and he said “that’s okay, I can quote the whole Nacho Libre movie and won’t shut up”. That reminded me of you, and all I could do was smile. Actually, I talked to my friend Bridge about you. Whenever I talk about a situation I’m in with anyone, I tend to throw myself under the bus. And so I did in this case too. But what she said to me was so true. I told her how sorry I was about hurting you, and especially for bringing up your spirituality more than I should’ve because it wasn’t my business. And she said “Ash, although you could’ve probably delivered your concerns to him in a better way, and although his reasons for leaving are valid. You were not the person who put himself in that situation, and he shouldn’t be blaming you for him leaving. At the end of the day, had he not fallen into temptation, he would’ve never gotten reproved and he would’ve met you and you two would’ve been perfect. But since he did, he has to live with the consequences, and one of those consequences is losing someone like you even if it was his choice. At the end of the day, your concerns about him weren’t wrong. And he sounds to me to be very insecure and is probably projecting that onto you in a small level. You moving on, he told you he didn’t have feelings for you and he’s also made it clear he didn’t believe in waiting for anyone. So you moved on and now he’s putting that on you when he admitted to talking to another girl too after you broke up, only it didn’t work out unlike you and C. Him not measuring up to your expectations, he could’ve been there had he not done what he did in the first place and that’s something he has to live with. All in all, it is not your fault.”… I just stood there and all I could say was “But what if I am to blame? Maybe I’m just a bad person, what can I do better?” And he goes “Nothing at all. I know you’re a helper and a fixer by heart but you’re exactly where you need to be and you don’t have to help anyone. You dodged another bullet. Because you need someone who’s willing to put as much effort into the relationship as you have been. It’s not fair to you.”

And to be completely honest, that whole conversation was exactly what I needed. I know you’re never gonna read this, Age. But I think Im gonna be ready to let you go soon too. I’m sorry for hurting you, but I really don’t need to be lead on and let go so many times from the same person. Or to make me feel so replaceable because all you can talk about to me are about other girls. I don’t deserve to feel like I always need to be interesting or hot in order to get the attention and praise I always needed from you. And I don’t deserve to feel like I’m still competing with E when clearly she’s all you still think about. It all hurt me so much and had put such a deep cut on my heart and on my self esteem but I still stayed and I never complained to you. I didn’t deserve to feel like a trash person or boy crazy when I moved on with another guy given that I felt like the one person I ever wanted wasn’t going to be in my life anymore and I needed to move on for my own sake only for you to come back out of the blue. And only for you to open my heart back up again and get me to the verge of me falling in love with you only for you to leave me again for good when I never left you. You never had the intention of staying or working things out. You always left when things got too hard which is something I never did to you. And I NEVER brought any of it up because I was always made to feel like it’s my fault for not making our relationship work. And I think it’s time I start to learn my own worth. Even when I still love you. And I still feel so damn pathetic that I do. Because you really don’t deserve for me to love you as much as I genuinely do.

[allgonejeon]

All the messages I never sent you from my notes (pt1)

To Age. From when we first broke up (Feb 21, 2023), I wrote to you on my notes so I had an outlet. I sent a few to you, but here’s the whole list…

2/23 2:03am

I’ve been trying to forget you but Australian tiktoks keep showing up on my fyp and I never used to get them before. I keep pressing “not interested” but they keep popping. I blame u 😤

2/23 12:36pm

The more I think about it, the more I realize you never respected me or my feelings. Not to the fullest at least. You’d bring up your ex without regard of my feelings and tell me that it was different with her because you were able to touch her. You treated the situation like 🤷🏻‍♂️ and didn’t apologize through phone, only text.

2/23 2:11pm

Wonderwall played from one of my playlists. I was going to skip it, but i put it on repeat. I know you don’t miss me at all, but damn do I miss you. And I really hate it.

2/23 11:43pm

Some dude I met at A’s last week just slid in my DMs just now and I just liked his message lol. Like, no. Also, one of the guys that girl brought to the party DMd me too. He invited me to dinner with some friends and I said yes. He’s super sweet and hes pretty cool, but the the thing is that I don’t feel anything when I would usually feel excited. It’s like no matter what dude comes to me, I don’t have the heart to try with anyone. And there have been a few. I’m assuming that’s how you’re feeling right now, but not about me. I know it’s only been a day, but man do I miss you. While you’re missing someone else, I’m here missing you like crazy and I hate it. I genuinely don’t think you miss me though. Not one bit. But I do. I miss you texting me about your day, I miss you calling me cute or cactus or chihuahua or princess or you calling me by my full name. I miss you sending me random tiktoks and random pictures of what you’re doing. I miss you being there when I’m having panic attacks. I miss your voice, I miss you ranting about the most random things. I miss when you tell me about chubs or how unbearable work was. I miss being there for you. And I miss having someone to talk to at night before I go to sleep. It became a habit I loved.

I saw this one tiktok where it said “while he’s chasing someone else and you’re chasing after him, who’s chasing after you?”. I think the objective was to instill some feeling of being pathetic, and it kinda hit.

I feel pathetic for still wanting things to work out and hoping we both change and be good for each other in the future. But I’m terrified that you don’t want that, and I’m currently preparing myself for that. Because I’m sure that is surely the case.

2/24 2:50am

I can’t sleep and I miss you so much. But I really don’t think you miss me. And that kinda makes me sad.

2/24 10:34am

We’re driving past a street named “cactus”. It reminded me of you.

2/24 1:45pm

I’m seeing couples everywhere. They’re drinking mimosas next to each other or drinking coffee and laughing. And all I can think about how it must’ve been you with her. I’m sitting at a table next to a couple, his arm over her shoulder. I keep torturing myself and thinking if you’ve ever done that with her. And how you miss it.

2/25 2:47pm

It finally caught up to me. It’s so painful having to hold it all on when you’re in the back seat of the car and having to swallow hard so no one finds out you’re falling apart right behind them. My tears are running, I’m holding my breath, my nose is stuffy and I want to sob but I can’t right now.

2/25 5:18pm

I just realized I’ve had my phone on dnd since last we spoke.

2/25 5:38pm

You were never here but I’ve made so many memories of you here. All the places I’ve been to that I’ve talked to you in. It’s insane how that kinda works. Trader Joe’s. I was there picking flowers and stopped in front of the roses to text you for five minutes straight one time.

2/26 3:28am

You just posted a note that said “ever wonder if your crush actually likes you?” and that stung me so hard because I know it’s not me you’re talking about. Call me sensitive but I just literally cannot believe how you move on so fast. You said there was no one else.

2/28 5:13pm

A week has passed today. I only realized because I’m back at Barnes and noble to do the study with Eve. It’s not the same location though. I teared up at the thought of going back there– to the same Barnes. I knew I’d have to walk through the same side of the marketplace, the same doors, the same environment, the same empty music area in the back of the store I hid to talk to you. The same one where I anticipated this would end. And i don’t think I can do that. Ive been thinking a lot about the situation. At first I wanted to think that you didn’t want me to leave, but now I’m starting to believe that you probably didn’t care I did. I’m afraid you don’t miss me. I wonder if your personal trainer mentions me still or if you even told him you “broke up” with me so that he wouldn’t mention me at all. I wonder if you think of me when you see Chubbs. I wonder if you think of me when you hear “America”. I wonder if you miss calling me still or texting me or just having me around. I wonder if you regret ever giving up on me. I think that, although it pains me, it’s best to believe that you won’t come back and that you’re moving on as we speak. And to tell you the truth, I feel pathetic that I still miss you and that my heart still clings to you. And I absolutely tear myself to shreds that I let the most sheltered part of me grow attached to you in such little time and in such a way that I can’t seem to move on for the time being; my heart.

3/2 2:48pm

I’m dog sitting again at the same house we FaceTimed for the first time. I was dreading coming, honestly. I’m in the family room where I was calling you and laughing with you. I was in the kitchen where the sink is; the same place I set my phone down while I was doing dishes and you working on school. You complimented my purple rain shirt and we talked about how awful trump was lol. I went into the wing of the house where you spoke to Sarah for the first time and helped her with her test. Damn I miss you still. But I’m okay. Hope you’re okay too with what you’re dealing with right now.

I went to First Friday with my friends tonight. It sucks that I still wish you were here in person. I spoke to P about you yesterday (3/2) and she was sad. Today I told her that I’m trying to convince myself that you don’t care and she used the sternest voice, saying “you can’t really think that, right? There is no way that boy does not care about you. Why else would he have stayed so long and blah blah blah…” and idk. Although I’m trying to convince myself of the worse, it kinda makes me feel good she said that. Man I miss you so much.

Also, I posted some stuff on my close friends and public story. I know it’s stupid and weird but I kinda wonder what you thought of them. If you felt anything at all or if you just didn’t care at all.

3/4 6:32pm

I took my time to unfollow all the boys I don’t know. Those random boys who followed or whom I’ve followed. I’ve been meaning to do it for a while but I finally got around to doing it. There’s a number of reasons, I guess. None of them mean anything to me. I only kept the guys I know personally. I unfollowed everyone else. I still have yet to unfollow some girls but I know I’ll get around to it. I think the only boy I kept that I don’t have any other mutuals with (except for Sarah) is you. I think my hopes of being with you again are slim to none, but I think my heart still clings to you. And I can’t seem to unhinge it.

Also, I read back our messages for the first time and man. The feelings all came back. It felt as if you never left. And it hurts me a bit.

4/9 1:49am

I was at a party tonight, I didn’t know most of them, just a few. But as I was wondering my eyes around, I noticed a familiar guy staring at me. He even made his way to me while I was asking for a cocktail. I admit, he’s cute. He’s tall and he seems super sweet. He asked for my number before I left and I was kinda excited about it. I left early to go to dinner with friends then had a midnight trip to an ice cream place in downtown. The girls hyped me up and I pulled one of my friends to the side and told her I felt kinda guilty. But what she said was right. You’re stuck on another girl and you’re probably talking to other girls too. There was no point on waiting for you when you made it clear you were still stuck on someone else and won’t come back. But to be completely honest, I feel like I was forcing myself to be happy and excited. He texted me that same night as I was paying for my ice cream and we made plans to get together the next week. And I think the only reason I felt the way that I did was because I was making plans with someone that wasn’t you. Sure, I had a dude texting me, but it wasn’t the person I wanted it to be. But at this point I have to accept the way things are right now. I miss you still, but man do I still feel so pathetic for wanting you after I know you don’t want me. After everything you told me. After explicitly telling me how much you loved your coworker and how you missed kissing her and holding her. It stings. But maybe this is what I need to just forget it. I doubt you care though.

[allgonejeon]

July 2017

The only person who calls me by my childhood nickname…

Dear you,

I just heard from you last month; the first time in almost a year. The last time I saw you was almost two years ago. It did come as a surprise, I'll admit. I was really attached to you and I was so desperate to reconnect with you. You had your issues; I knew you always had problems with your parents and you were always making friends. What can I say, you're the most appealing person there is lol. I know you remember this— we were really young and your mom left is at a pawn shop because we wanted to explore a little. You and I headed to the movie section and you picked up a few PG-13 movies. The guy wouldn't sell them to us though, because we weren't "old enough" to purchase them (according to their policy, anyway). You, an 11 year old, talked it up with the man for a good minute or two. I was completely dumbfounded when the guy laughed with you and went "what the heck, I'll let y'all buy these films". I'm laughing now as I'm thinking about it, actually.

You just had that charisma, humor, personality— everything about you was so likeable. That was your thing, you could reel anyone in in a matter of minutes. To this day, I don't know another soul who can do it like you, man. But with such an attractive aura, you were bound to get caught up with the wrong crowd. You know I'm not wrong.

I met you when I was ten when I first met you, you were eight. Your family were the ones I would see more often than anyone else. I obviously don't remember much from then, but I remember that we got along almost instantly. You and I were total opposites. I was shy and a bit of a goodie-goodie; but you were extroverted and loved being around people. Never being afraid of getting into trouble. Despite that, we had a lot in common. Our mind and hearts were the same. Your thoughts were just as deep as mine and you had such a big heart. There was nothing we kept from each other. We cried together, laughed together, played together, watched TV together— we were really quite the duo lol. We got so close that you would call me your big sister and I'd call you my little brother. Both of us knew that we were special to each other.

Even after my childhood nickname died down, you kept it going. I was really glad to see you use it again when you last messaged me. I missed that.

No one calls me that anymore besides you, and I haven't heard it in such a long time. It's almost as if I'm transported to your backyard where you'd shout my name all the damn time to get my attention lol. It's quite something.

Hope you’re doing well, M.

7/28/23 The man’s got a family now, and I’m doing my own thing. Our parents still talk here and there so I know about him through there, but I haven’t talked to him in years. At the time I thought it was love but really, it was just a bond I’ve never experienced before. It was special. To this day, no one calls me by my childhood nickname. No one really remembers it either, he’s the only one who uses it. I don’t think I’ve ever revealed my nickname to anyone else after my childhood. I don’t want to give it to the wrong person. But maybe some day I’ll find them.

[allgonejeon]

Dec 2018

“Good things are worth working for”

Dear you:

I don't expect anything to change after I write this. I figured that if this is how things are going to stay, I might as well be honest with you. You don't have to read this if you don't want to. But I still want to be sincere; whether you're genuinely curious about my side of the story or really couldn't care less and don't want to know about me at all. I wouldn't blame you. I think you're doing well without me.

I've been a two-faced jerk; we both know that. Texting you like I care when I ignore your existence in person –simply because I don't know how to handle my emotions, let alone know how to act. I know it looks bad, and I'm really sorry for acting that way. I'm sorry if I hurt you or made you overthink as much as I have. I'm also sorry if I caused any problems for you during or after we were talking.

I would give up on someone like me, too. But despite all your so called "failed" attempts to get to know me by texting me and inviting me out with friends, you managed to get me to open up in a way no one's ever done before. They weren't failed attempts. The truth is that I cared about you maybe more than you cared about me. I just never really knew how to show it.

I really did like you a lot, you know. I always knew I was hard to get to know; my thoughts are deep that I even drive myself crazy. Those are things I couldn't change. It was an insecurity of mine. And I thought no one would even try to get to know me beyond surface level, you were the only one who actually tried— making me feel okay for being "misunderstood". You though of it as intriguing and I never thought anyone would ever like that side of me. You asked me questions no one's ever asked me before, and I really felt like you genuinely wanted to get to know me. Beyond surface level. I also used to hate how strong my emotions were. Before you, I would never admit to finding anyone attractive, let alone admit having feelings for anyone. It was weird; my whole life, every time I would feel butterflies in my stomach because of someone, I felt like punching myself unconscious. It drove me mentally insane. I hated my emotions and how soft I turned when I had feelings for someone. I didn't want anyone to know they had such control over me. There was nothing enjoyable about having crushes at all. But talking to you made me feel so okay with something so natural that I was trying to kill for years. But all in all, I would have never developed the confidence I have now if it weren't for you. I see myself the way you saw me before. Unique.

You were so special to me and I appreciated you a lot. I've always been extremely loyal, even without commitment. I turned down guys because I genuinely didn't have feelings for anyone but you. And I seriously believed it was mutual. I knew you had a reputation from the start. Some of my family and friends were iffy about you, but I'm never the one to become influenced by who my friends should or shouldn't be. I always decided that for myself. But when I heard that you were talking to other girls besides me, that really hurt me. It was like the cherry on top, in a way. Because to my surprise, I was hurt but I wasn't surprised. You say you don't remember much of anything, and I guess I can't blame you. You and I were on the phone talking about that specifically and not once did I hear you apologise to me for the way I felt. Even if you thought you were right and I was wrong for simply being so hurt about something so valid. I had the right to be upset and you made me feel like I was a disappointment to you because I "gave in" and believed what I heard; I'm only human. I was really expecting you to explain— to do anything to try to keep me. But you never did. And I guess I just had to realize that it meant you didn't want me as much as I thought you did. You said through the phone at one point that you just couldn't wait to find that one girl who just won't believe anyone but you. I had to sit there and listen to you while thinking "I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment". You’d always tell me that good things are worth working for. And I started to feel like I wasn’t good enough.

You gave up on me so easily.

Those numerous amount of times you would decide to stop talking to me and leave me hanging instead of actually talking thing out with me, that hurt too because I would overthink and wonder what in the world I did wrong for you to stop talking to me. When G was trying to "shoot his shot" and I was (as per usual) just shy out of my mind to even talk to you, you said you'd let him have me. You gave up on me so easily and made me feel so awful for being upset over things that really hurt me to the core. And I'll admit again, that I act like a jerk. I'm not the best at handling my emotions because they're just too strong. That's why I'm so bitter. That's why whenever I look at you, I just can't help but to remember everything in a flash. And God knows I'm trying so hard to forgive and forget. Most importantly for me, I really just want to forgive. Once I forgive, it'll be easier for me to forget. I never talk bad about you behind your back to others as if I were handing out flyers. I don't try to ruin anyone's image of you. I wouldn't do that to anyone. But I always put you first. I always wanted to make sure you were okay. If you were doing good spiritually, mentally, emotionally— I wanted to make sure you were happy. And I still do today. B, I cared about you so much and I thought you cared about me just as much too. But I guess we're both jerks. None of us were ready and neither of us were sincerely honest with each other. The communication wasn't there and we weren't direct on what we wanted. I believed for the longest time that you had a lot to say and that you over-thought as much as I did but you would play it cool and never had the guts to talk tom me about us or our issues, our conflicts, or our feelings. But I later realized that the reason you wouldn't do that was because you really didn't have anything in you. That, in a way, it was all one sided. I did believe that there could've been something for us in the future. I guess we messed that up for us too. I just wish we could've started off as friends and kept it that way. We were stupid to jump into something we clearly weren't ready for yet. Maybe we could've been good friends right now; working on ourselves as we grew up— no hurt, no misunderstandings, no hate.

I know this sounds like I hate you and I'm still caught up on the past, but I'm far from that. This is a way for me to make peace with it now. It's not on my mind anymore. And my parents never hated you. They just wanted to protect me from getting hurt again. Especially my dad, who knows my emotions more than anyone. He knew that I would hurt myself more than you could hurt me, and he didn't want me to become disappointed. Dad was trying to save me from myself. Actually, he really appreciates your family; your dad specifically. When we moved, everyone was so dry. But your dad gave us a warm welcome and really made us feel comfortable. Even when he invited our family over to your house. Whenever I see your parents, they treat me and my sister so well. I appreciate your family.

Don't worry about me, though. I'm getting over it. I'm happy with my life right now. I'm not looking for anything serious with anyone anytime soon. Unlike a certain someone, I'm not a play-girl who's always talking to various people at a time lol. I'm focusing on myself spiritually and I'm so happy making a name for myself besides the usual "so and so’s daughter" I would always get when I was back home lol. And I'm happy with my friends, too. They're all over the place. Sometimes I'm hanging out with my childhood friends, sometimes with Spanish friends, and with different groups here and there. But I have my select group of people I confide in. I love them and they make me feel loved and protected. They also help me spiritually too, which I'm grateful for. Overall, things are good; and I hope things are going well for you too. Remember that you aren't the only one with emotions and going through their own crap in life. What you do effects others in bigger ways than you think. Be the person God wants you to be and work hard to not only gain Gods approval, but to earn others' approval. That's important too. Reputations are difficult to change, but they won't change unless we do something about it. I want you to know that I'm here for you whenever you need me. Genuinely. I'll always be praying for you and I wish you nothing but the best in life. And I promise that after I finish this letter, I won't be giving you the silent treatment at the assemblies anymore (not that you cared lol).

I'll see you around, B.

7/28/23 I was so young. Him and I are “friends” I guess now. In good terms, there’s no bad blood. Like nothing ever happened, really. This letter is really a reflection of puppy love, and I’ve changed in so many ways. I’m open to love now and letting my heart be attached to people I care for. Not being scared of showing people I care. Sometimes it gets me into trouble emotionally, but I’m still learning. Some things are still the same though. I still value communication, loyalty, honesty and effort. I guess I just have never been the type of human to ever give up on people. Always willing to fix everything. I think that’s a nice quality to have. But it’s hard finding those who will fix things with me. I haven’t found him yet.