#i'm definitely forgetting a couple but nothing recent

[ringneckedpheasant]

Hey hi what did your url used to be? Have you changed it recently? Genuinely can't remember following you but you seem like a delight, 10/10 will keep following anyway

oh my gd this is from over a month ago i'm so sorry

as far as i can recall my url history has been dameron420 -> halwardpavushatersclub -> gaysolavellan -> ringneckedpheasant

[xxchumanixx]

Nothing at all

Tim Bradford x reader

Warnings: 18+, mdni!, smut, secret relationship

Word Count: 751

Authors Note: Helloooo, I'm currently obsessing over Tim Bradford. I just recently started the rookie, and I love it already.

Anyways, have fun!

"He shouldn't have attacked you." Tim murmured, still looking forward as you waited for the captain to continue.

Rolling your eyes you looked at him through your peripheral vision. "I can defend myself." you gave back, straightening your back slightly.

A possible murderer had attacked you when you wanted to handcuff him. Your head still hurt a little from him smacking his against yours.

"I know." he returned. "Otherwise you wouldn’t have been able to defeat me in training yesterday."

The memory made you smile to yourself. Though you were still a rookie, you had managed to defeat him in yesterday's training.

"There's definitely something going on between them."

Though Lucy tried to whisper, you still heard her from your spot. They stood a few feet away, curiously watching.

Barely holding back from rolling your eyes again you rocked on your heel. How long would it take for them to make a decision?

"Takeout tonight?" Tim wanted to know quietly, his thumbs hooked in the waistband of his slacks.

Nodding you agreed. "Your treat?" Sighing he nodded as well. "Why not."

Grinning to yourself you contemplated what to eat, when the captain and Grey left the captains office. "Your dismissed." she said, nodding to you two.

Thanking her you separated, as you walked towards Lucy, Jack and John.

"It's not." you told Lucy, to what she looked at you questioningly. "There's nothing going on between officer Bradford and me."

He smiled devilishly, as he pushed you against your apartments door, his breath fanning over your face as his lips met yours.

"Yeah, tell that the looks he's giving you." Lucy returned, cocking one eyebrow. "You're like an old married couple."

Shaking your head you huffed.

"No, you know that it wouldn't be allowed." you spoke, well knowing what happened between her and John - only a fool wouldn't see.

Stumbling towards your bedroom his lips never left yours, only as he pulled your shirt over your head, discarding it on the floor, joining his.

"I don't think that Bradford would be her type." Jackson said like you weren't there, shaking his head. "He's married." you gave back, your brows knitted together.

"The divorce is almost done with." Lucy threw in, shrugging her shoulders. "No, guys, there is nothing going on." you insisted, eyes widening slightly. "Nothing at all."

You moaned loudly, as he fucked you into the mattress. The power he pounded into you with matched the one in training. He was relentless. His lips kissed down your throat, as you exposed it when your head tilted backwards from the pleasure he brought to you.

John only smiled slightly at your conversation, having his fair share with what you were talking about.

"But it just-" Lucy was searching for the right words, her hands gesturing wildly. "You guys just seem so close!"

Cocking a brow you looked at her, contemplating if you should shake her to make her forget that thought.

You had to be more careful, if you wanted to keep things hidden.

Moaning his name you came, hard. He followed closely behind you, face buried in your neck. Breathing heavily you felt the weight of his body above you, it's heat radiating off of it.

His familiar cologne mixed with sweat, his hair faintly smelling of shampoo. You came to love it over the past few months of your arrangement.

"Can we talk about something else?" you almost pleaded, done with them snooping in your private life.

Huffing, Lucy shook her head. "I will be on the lookout." she warned, smiling to herself. "I will find out whatever it is you two are hiding."

Smiling back at her you tilted your head. "What makes you think you will find something?" you asked her, silently hoping she wouldn't find anything.

"Nah, I still don't believe there is something going on." Jackson cut in, before Lucy could reply. You almost chuckled at his naivety.

Still breathing heavily you lay beside Tim, not ready to get back up yet. "What do you say-" he started, sitting more upright to look at you. "about a round two after dinner?"

Chuckling you rolled your eyes, his grin sending goosebumps up you bare arms. "Only if I get dessert afterwards." Shaking his head he huffed. "And here I thought I was the dessert."

"Rookies!" Grey shouted, making you flinch. "Are you getting payed for gossiping? Get back to work!"

You all nodded, mumbling a "yes, sir.", before scurrying in different directions.

If they only knew.

[avatar-anna]

this is very unedited, and i'm like half asleep as i write this, but a Horan!sister reader has been in the back of my mind recently (mostly bc i miss one direction and maybe bc i saw niall live a couple weeks ago) anyway, enjoy!

"We...We, um, we kissed."

"Yeah. We did."

"But we're—we're friends."

"I know."

"Are you freaking out? I feel like you're not freaking out enough," you said as you paced the length of your hotel room.

Harry, who sat on his bed, the one mere feet from yours, shrugged. "I don't see a need to, honestly."

You couldn't believe how nonchalant he was being. You and Harry had never expressed any romantic feelings for each other. You'd known each other for ages, and of course you thought he was attractive—who wouldn't?—but that was it. There were never any heated glances, no longing gazes while the other wasn't looking, no hugs that lasted too long to be anything other than friendly. You were friends, nothing more, and what had just happened changed everything.

Unless...

"You're right," you found yourself saying. "It was just a heat of the moment thing. We—We just got excited, that's all."

You were ready for Harry to agree with you. You were ready to agree to forget about the kiss, to never mention it again, pretend it never happened. That was the only logical option in your mind, unless you wanted to throw years of friendship down the drain. You didn't want to be a cliche, and you didn't think Harry wanted to either.

Plus, there was the other thing, but you didn't want to even think about that right now.

"Did we?" Harry asked. He looked amused as he tracked your movements, one hand playing with his bottom lip as if he was trying to cover up a smile.

"What do you mean—Of course we did. You're you and I—and he—Stop looking at me like that!"

This time, Harry didn't even try to hide his grin, dimples set deep in his cheeks as he laughed. "Like what?"

"Like you—" Like you want to sleep with me, you thought but didn't say. That was even more dangerous territory. "Like you don't regret what we did."

"We kissed, Y/n, we didn't kill someone," Harry said.

Right, you thought. This was normal for Harry. He probably didn't think twice about it because he was constantly kissing people. Well, not constantly, but definitely more than you did. Your brother made sure of that.

"You're right, sorry," you said. "So we'll just forget it happened then, right? We can just go back to—"

"Hold on a minute, I didn't say that."

For the first time since you kissed him, you looked at Harry directly. "Excuse you?"

"I don't regret what happened," Harry said, standing up slowly. "Do you?"

"Yes! I mean we're friends, and your best friend is—"

"Let's leave that out of the equation. Just for a second," he said. For every step he took toward you, you took one back. "That wasn't just in the heat of the moment, Y/n. I think we both know that."

"It—It was. We were celebrating and got carried away—"

"See, I'd believe you if you hadn't used tongue."

"You used tongue first!"

"And you moaned."

"It was a sound of surprise from the use of said tongue!"

Harry took another step closer, and once your back hit the wall, you had nowhere left to go. He was close enough that you could smell his cologne, sweet and a little smoky. His eyes were intense as they stared down at you, expression unreadable as he looked you up and down.

Since you met him, Harry had been hard to read. He was naturally quiet, never giving much away unless he was more than a few drinks in. Not to mention the first few years of knowing him that you'd gotten to know each other more. You only knew him through your brother, who was more than happy to stick you with the annoying little sister role, despite only being a year younger than him.

There was a point in time where you might've had a crush on Harry. You remembered watching him on TV at night and liking his voice and his smile and curly hair. Your brother had gone and ruined it of course when you met for the first time, teasing you about said crush, and you went so out of your way to convince everyone that you didn't that you succeeded perhaps a little too well. But now you knew Harry better. He wasn't some boy who sang on television anymore. Well, he was, but he was so much more than that now, his fame growing wild and beyond anything you could comprehend.

"Was it a bad kiss?" he asked suddenly.

That was a question you didn't expect. "What? N—No, it was fine—"

"Fine? Just fine?" Harry repeated. "What's a guy got to do to be better than fine?"

"That's not what matters!" you said, growing exasperated. "It should never have happened in the first place. You're my brother's best friend, you're—you're his bandmate!"

Niall had an embarrassing amount of rules when it came to you and his friends. Not that you thought they were ever really necessary, though now you weren't so sure. Half the boys were already in relationships anyway, and Harry was...well, he was Harry. As long as you'd known him, he'd never had a long term relationship. You didn't know why, and you were never close enough to him to ask. But the more famous he, and One Direction, became, the more...larger than life he seemed. Or maybe it was that you were in the perpetual space of being Niall's little sister that you'd just automatically written him off as someone who wouldn't be interested in you.

Either way, whatever was happening now was nerve-inducing. And scary. And making you feel things you weren't sure you wanted to feel.

"Is there an area I could improve in? Like specifically? Or was it the overall kiss that was mediocre? I'm really trying to wrap my head around this," he said. "Not to be rude, but I normally don't get many complaints."

"How are you being so—so unbothered right now?" you asked.

"I don't know, I just know that I liked kissing you," Harry said with a shrug. "And that I'd like to do it again. If not for the sake of kissing you then to at least improve from fine to enjoyable."

"Oh my God, the kiss was better than fine, okay? It was probably the best kiss I've had in a while. Best kisser in all of London. You're a proper Casanova," you admitted with a huff, knowing Harry wouldn't let that one detail go. "Happy?"

"Very. So...want to do it again?"

"No!"

"Why?"

Was he whining? "Because—"

"Okay, all of the stuff about your brother and my bandmate and how this probably isn't a stellar idea aside, you can't tell me you don't want to," he said. His eyes searched yours, looking for an answer in them before you said it. "I meant what I said, Y/n. I don't tend to do things I'll regret, and I don't regret kissing you."

That face, you thought. It was too beautiful, too distracting to make you think straight. Harry was all sharp angles and high cheekbones and long hair now, it wasn't fair. You didn't stand a chance against it all. Especially when his big green eyes almost seemed to plead with yours.

Deep down—maybe not even that deep, quite shallow, actually—you knew you enjoyed the kiss too, and not just because Harry was objectively good at it. It was him, it was the pesky feelings that erupted and took root inside you when you first slid your lips against his. Perhaps the kiss had started out as a heat of the moment thing—an overemotional celebration after watching a particularly intense football match after running into each other in London. You were there on holiday and he was home during his time off. You found yourselves spending they say together, finding comfort in each other's familiarity.

You'd never meant to spend the whole day with him, you'd never meant to invite him to your room to watch football and order room service, you'd never meant to kiss him after a goal scored. Yet you did, and you had, and it was hard to cross back over to ignorance and bliss when you knew what it felt like to have Harry's lips on yours.

"We can't tell him," you said. "Not yet. Not until we know what we're doing. He'll kill you."

"I know," Harry said, his fingers coming up to play with a strand of your hair. "When do you go back home?"

"In a few days, but—Fuck."

"What? Changed your mind already?"

"No, I just—I'm coming with you. On tour," you said, eyes widening. "It was Niall's graduation gift to me. Some time off traveling before I get a job and everything."

"Okay, well that's—that's an obstacle for a few days from now. Let's just—unless you don't want to anymore—I mean, I can go if—"

"Who's nervous now?" you teased.

"Not nervous, just being extra sure. Got a lot to live up to, being the best kisser in the world and everything."

"Pretty sure I said London."

"Pretty sure we don't need to debate it anymore," Harry said, bringing your arms up to wrap around his neck. "You can just kiss me now instead."

The movement felt almost too natural, his hair soft beneath your fingertips as you leaned in, putting you both out of misery and kissing him for the second time.

It was just as good, if not better than the first time you kissed him earlier. Harry's lips were incredibly soft, gentle but sure. Your body molded perfectly against his, feeling light as his hands roamed up and down your back, through your hair, on your hips. You felt those same butterflies from before, the ones that told you you might be feeling more than just lust, but you batted that thought away.

It was way too early to be entertaining those thoughts. You wanted to just enjoy the moment, go with the flow and not lose yourself in he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not. So you pulled him closer, sealed your tongue against Harry's bottom lip, and savored the flavor of his mouth on yours, letting it drown you until you could think about anything else but him.

"We're gonna have fun on tour, I think," Harry breathed, his voice coming out in shallow pants as you kissed along his jaw and up the shell of his ear.

There were a million reasons why you shouldn't, but they all floated away as Harry hoisted you up into his arms, your legs moving instinctively around his waist, leaving just him and a very easy and resounding yes. Your answer came in the form of kissing him once more, your hands tugging eagerly on his hair until every doubt and question was a distant memory.

[hughjackmansbicep]

The Seamstress

Contains: Logan Howlett X F!Reader

Summary: Youre a seamstress and he seems to have an endless supply of holey clothes....

Wordcount: 1.2k

Warnings: None :D

a/n: haiiiiii ive always loved this trope in fics !!! tehe!! srry for not writing much recently i got fired from my job LOL anywayssss... i was listening to the smiths writing this unrelated but related.

Most days bled together, the same mundane routine playing out in front of you each day. Wake up, go to work, go home, eat takeout, and pass out to some soap opera. Currently, the highlight of your life was finding out what was going to happen next on The Days of Our Lives. You were a seamstress in the middle of Manhattan; you owned a small shop off 64th, and although you were living out your dream, nothing excited you anymore. Every task felt exhausting; you couldn't even find passion in sewing anymore. That was until he stumbled into your shop.

“Hi, yeah, I was wondering if you'd be able to sew this up for me.” He grumbled, holding up what appeared to be some yellow and blue jumpsuit. You'd almost forgotten to respond, completely captivated by his sheer beauty. His gorgeous face, chiseled body, kitty-like hair, and you can't forget the unusual yet totally working for him mutton chops. “U-um, ahem, yeah, I totally could.” You manage to choke out, reaching for the clothing item. “How long do you reckon it'll take?” You examine the clothing carefully; it's decorated with rips and holes everywhere. He's lucky if I can get this finished by the end of the week, “Tomorrow.” Your mouth moves quicker than your brain can. “Cool, I'll come by at 10? Is that alright?” He asks, slowly backing out of the shop, his eyes never leaving you. ‘10am? I can't begin to do that either; I mean, I wouldn't get to sleep tonight’. “Yep! See you at 10!” Cure that mouth of yours; you give him a smile and an awkward wave as he makes his way out the door.

You blow your breath out as if you'd been holding it the entire time, sinking down into your chair. You silently cursed at yourself for agreeing to such a stupid timeframe, but this meant you could binge Days of Our Lives tonight, so maybe it wasn't half bad.

The rest of the day went just as you expected. A couple hems, a few cinches—nothing out of the ordinary apart from the comic book cosplay you agreed to revive back to life. It was currently 3 o’clock in the morning; you'd been sitting there sewing the garment for 7 hours. Honestly, you'd been making great time; you were so close to finishing, maybe 20 stitches left total. Somewhere between the last stitch and a doctor getting slapped, you'd passed out on your living room floor.

You'd awoken to the feeling of your feline licking your cheek, causing you to immediately shoot up off the floor. Your eyes frantically searching for a clock, the power Must’ve gone out sometime around 5 in the morning because that's all you saw flashing back at you on the stove. In a frenzy, you started throwing random clothes on, praying they'd match, shoving the costume in a garment bag, and running out the door. Thats when you finally looked down at your phone, seeing the time read 10:03, “God damnit.” You whined under your breath. Your shop was only a couple blocks away, but that was still a 15-minute walk, so you sprinted. You probably looked like a complete lunatic, but you couldn't care less right now. The incredibly hot customer probably waiting outside your doors was the utmost important thing on your mind.

Dripping in sweat and hyperventilating as you turned the corner to where your shop was, you saw him just as you thought you would. Leaning up against the door, one arm crossed over his torso as he took a drag from his cigar with his other. God, he looked heavenly, and you... Well, maybe not your best day, but definitely not your worst. “Hey, sorry I'm late.” You breathed out, hands resting on your knees as you caught your breath. “But I've got your thingy.” You hold the garment bag up; he just furrows his eyebrows at you, cocking his head to the side. His silence makes you feel more embarrassed than you already do. You get up to unlock your doors, ushering him to follow you inside.

You check him out at the register; the only words being exchanged were the cost of the repairs and where he can tap his card. He walked out with a smile and a nod, a soft ‘Thanks’ escaping his lips before the door shut. You throw your head in your hands, feeling shame wash over you. You were hoping and praying he was going to leave his number on the receipt, but obviously he did not. I mean, why would you have had him waiting and showed up looking like a complete mess? Not very good looks. You simply had to chop it up as a loss and return back to the mundaneness of your life.

The very next morning, though, he was here again, this time holding an old brown jacket. He'd said there was a small hole in the pocket he wanted fixed. This time it only took you all 20 minutes. You asked him to wait upfront as you brought the jacket to the back to repair it. When you returned, you checked him out the same as before, and he left exactly the same as before. This became an everyday routine for the two of you. Every day he'd walk in with some worn-out article of clothing asking you to stitch it up; you always obliged, even if the clothes looked and smelled like they came from 1987. You always did wonder how this guy had so many ripped-up clothes just lying around, and why wouldn't he just bring them in all at once?

This charade had been going on for 2 weeks now when you finally decided to break from your usual script of ‘thank you, come again’. “Why is everything you own torn apart? Is everything okay back home?” You asked as he slipped his card into the machine. You could see the heat rising to his cheeks as he tried to hide a smirk creeping its way on his face. “You want me to be honest with you?” He looked up at you, pursing his lips together in a thin line. You nodded your head, waiting for him to continue, “I honestly thought you were gorgeous when I first walked into your shop.” Now your cheeks started burning red as your eyes went wide. “So every day since then I head into Goodwill and find anything I can with a hole in it so I can find an excuse to come see you.” This was the first time you'd ever seen this man avoid eye contact with you. You couldn't find your words as your throat had gone dry. He was into you??? And here you were this whole time thinking you ruined your shot (and that he was homeless, but you weren't going to tell him that). 

"Well, say something.” He exasperated, snapping you out of your daze. “I honestly don't know what to say; I’m shocked. I get off at 6 if y’know... You wanted to grab something to eat?” You offer awkwardly, smiling through the pain of how anxious you sounded. He looks up to you finally meeting your gaze, a soft smile painted on his lips. “Ill be here to pick you up at 6 doll.” He grabs your hand, planting a gentle kiss on your knuckle. He walked out the door, leaving you in utter shock and denial for the rest of your shift.

hi ps u can always request me shtuff to write! :3

[hurts2think]

Can you do possessive Red x fem reader headcanons?

♥️Red Hearts x Reader Possessive Headcanons♥️

Reader pronouns: She/her

Pairing: Red Hearts x Fem!reader

Plot: Reader and Red are dating but this is her first real relationship and she's a little insecure... Which can lead to jealousy fairly easy...

Extra: Three headcanon posts in a row? Can you tell I've been busy recently? Don't worry I'm doing a oneshot tonight!

- Red has some intimacy issues so when you first started dating she struggled a little bit with physical affection

- But she slowly built up to being pretty affectionate regularly

- She’s not necessarily all over you, she actually prefers when you're all over her but she likes to hold you hand, kiss your cheek, and regular couple stuff

- Since she's never really been shown love or affection ever, she can get a bit jealous

- She tries not to show her jealousy because she doesn't want to upset you, but it's pretty obvious.

- Snarky remarks about a person she thinks is showing too much interest in you, she'll be super passive aggressive towards the person

- You can very easily tell when she's jealous because her physical affection suddenly bumps up to 100%

- You are the most beautiful person she has ever met and she might not say it outright, but she sure looks at you like you are

- Because of her bright red lipstick, she always leaves lipstick marks on you when you kiss and she finds it amusing

- Sometimes you forget about the lipstick marks and she won't bother telling you until someone else points it out

- "Why didn't you tell me??" "Because it's just such a good color on you"

- If she's particularly upset or jealous she just kisses you all over until her lipstick is almost completely smudged off then she'll sit up and admire it as if it was a painting she just painted

- She loves it even more if you become a flustered mess over it

- Lots of teasing smirks

- If you're struggling with something, she's not the first to try and help you. Mostly just a smirk and laugh

- She eventually helps you if you glare at her hard enough

- Sometimes she's especially in a bad mood and if someone flirts with you she gets extra possessive.

- Not a snarky comment or passive aggression, just full on aggression. Absolutely trying to start a fight before you have to pull her away from it.

- She knows you would never cheat on her or anything but she gets a little paranoid. She never goes through your phone or anything without permission but she definitely peaks over your shoulder to see who you're texting

- She posts about you a lot. 90% of her stories and posts are you and her on dates. Just to remind people that you're taken

- If you talk too much about a specific person she gets very annoyed by it and definitely makes it obvious she's annoyed

- You guys have maybe fought once or twice because she was so paranoid you didn't actually love her

- ^ these arguments always end with cuddles and showering her in kisses

- She has a hard time communicating so when she's frustrated or jealous about something, it's hard for her to explain it and she just ends up more frustrated than before

- She sometimes wishes you were just as possessive or jealous

- Little does she know, you very much can be. You're just much more subtle and quiet about it.

- Sometimes she goes out of her way to try and make you jealous just to see your reactions

- Your dorm walls are covered in her graffiti. She loves spray painting portraits of you

- If she thinks you're being a little too flirty or buddy buddy with someone, she drags you back to the dorm and a makeout session is sure to start up immediately

- She gets worried she acts too much like her mom and that you'll end up hating her, you always comfort her and tell her she's nothing like her mom

- Despite her being a bit possessive and jealous, she's genuinely caring and soft towards you. She cares about your interests and passions and will never try to hurt you

- She hates when you guys argue. Especially since she's stubborn beyond belief and can't back down from an argument

- Regardless of royal status, she calls you "princess" but doesn't like it when you call her that

- If you're trying on dresses(or whatever article of clothing you prefer) for a party or dance she doesn't give much opinion.

- "This black one or the other black one?" "They literally look the same, babe"

- ^ this frustrates you

- She does however, really love when you wear the color red. It's intoxicating to her

- She's not big on PDA, she's actually pretty uncomfortable with it. But at special events she'll have an arm around your waist and kissing you all throughout the night

- This is usually due to the fact you're usually all dressed up and pretty and she does not want anyone else looking at her girlfriend

- If you're wearing something that shows a little more skin than usual, she glares at anyone who even looks at you

- She loves when you show interest in her art. Even if you're against the graffiti aspect of it, if you like it she melts

- Despite all of the previous things, if you decide to point out her jealous or possessive habits she suddenly gets very embarrassed

- If you tease her for it her face heats up and just gets more embarrassed/flustered

- Though she's usually the one teasing you, she loves when you do it back. She loves a mutual teasing interaction

- Playful bickering is also one of her favorite types of conversations with you. She'll shut you up with a kiss

- She doesn't act down bad but she is absolutely down bad for you. She's a little obsessed with you.

- She absolutely refuses to introduce you to her mother, even in the altered timeline because she's still scared of her mom and what she might do to you if she finds out Red has a girlfriend.

- You've caught her once or twice at night spray painting some buildings. You've always tried to get her to stop but she's impossible. You eventually give up and appreciate any of the work she does

[mxstellatayte]

fuck me up, florida.

warnings: angst for the majority of it, sex at the end though, legal use of alcohol (reader and logan are both 23,) mentions of gunshot wounds, minor character death, based on a taylor swift song, childhood (middle/high school) friends to lovers, idiots in love, "you came" "you called," reader is half mexican (mom's side), slightly inaccurate bc i know carola wasn't at the miami gp but just go with it for the plot, reader's last name is rodriguez,

author's note: y'all i apologize if any of the spanish grammar is a little weird. my spanish is rusty, pls don't hate me for it

logan sargeant x female reader

i need to forget so

tuesday, april 30th.

you scan your ticket, the screen displaying your name and seat number. 12A. at least it'll be easy to sleep, you think.

after shoving your suitcase above your seat, you shuffle your way to the window and buckle yourself in.

are you really doing this? flying a couple thousand miles to visit your childhood best friend who, up until recently, had you convinced that his newfound fame that he'd gathered by announcing his enrollment in the williams driver's academy made him too good for you.

the only thing that made you think otherwise was the instagram dm he'd sent you five weeks prior, asking if you'd be able to make it to the miami grand prix. instead of a simple yes or no, you responded with the heaviest three words you've ever seen in order.

can we call?

logan picked up on the second ring.

"hey."

"hey."

"how's texas?"

you smile. "hot. sunny. flat. beachless."

"so... it's good?" you hate that you can still picture his facial expressions even after not seeing him for years except for on tv.

"'s okay, but it's not home, y'know?"

"definitely. it doesn't matter how much i decorate my place in england, it's never florida."

"nothing besides florida is ever florida," you sigh, looking out the window of your apartment. "how's the season been?" you don't exactly know why you're asking. you know exactly how his season's gone. you keep every single detail of every single race weekend meticulously catalogued in a journal that you take everywhere with you. no matter what, you've stayed up late or woken up early to watch every race, as if your hopeful energy would make its way across the world to him in time.

"honestly? it's been pretty shit. the car handles really badly and wasn't really even ready for the first few hours of testing in bahrain. i can't get it to perform and maybe that's just because i haven't linked with the car yet, but it still really sucks."

you sigh, hoping logan can't tell how disappointed you are with his team and engineers. "you need a better team, lo."

"i know." there's silence between you for a few moments, and every second that passes makes it grow heavier on your chest. "will you come to miami?"

there it is. the reason you called him.

"i don't know, lo. don't get me wrong, i'd love to, but it's really short notice and i don't know if i could afford the trip. i might be able to make it to austin, but i'll need the time to save the money for the trip."

"i'll fly you out," logan immediately says, his tone almost desperate. longing. "i'll pay for your flight, your hotel, everything. please?"

that last word hit you like a punch in the gut. you only had one more reason to not go and you weren't about to tell him that reason. it was a shitty excuse anyways.

you're not about to tell him that the reason you moved to texas was to give him the space he needed to be able to succeed in his career and for you to succeed in yours.

take me to florida

you're jolted awake by the force of the plane landing, if you can call the awkward limbo you were stuck in sleep. immediately, your stomach twists with anxiety. logan had offered to pick you up from the airport, but you refused.

"i'll just take an uber," you'd said. "i'm gonna want to relax a bit after the flight, y'know?"

his only trade-off? you met him for dinner. simple enough, right?

in theory.

now, standing in front of the full-length mirror in your hotel room, you debate between a floral sundress and a pair of denim shorts, a tank top, and a white button-up t-shirt with a colorful inkblot pattern.

you decide on the sundress.

fifteen minutes later, you're pushing earrings through your piercings, silver abstract shapes you'd bought on a trip to europe with your mother. you have to leave, but the situation you're in sucks. your hair won't sit right on your head, either being too frizzy from the humidity or losing any and all volume, and your makeup just doesn't seem like it'll last in the miami heat.

fuck it.

who are you dressing for, anyways?

logan's seen you at your absolute worst. he was the only one you let yourself cry in front of after your father died. he was the one that held you for what seemed like hours while you sobbed into his chest and he told you that none of it was your fault- that you never could have known that, when you hugged him before he left for the police station, told him you loved him, and slipped a note into his lunch box, the next time you would see him, he would be laying in a casket. he was the only one that could make you smile in the weeks following his funeral, dropping his entire schedule if you simply sent him a text that said "can you come over?"

the restaurant logan found isn't too far from your hotel, so you ultimately decide to walk. your walk is over before you're able to process that it even started and you're taking out your earbuds and putting them in your bag, taking out your phone instead to text logan.

i'm here.

i've got some regrets

were you always this breathtakingly beautiful?

logan's phone buzzes in his front pocket, but he knows it's you texting him. he doesn't even bother taking it out of his pocket before standing up from his seat at the bar and walking over to you, and when you see him, your smile almost makes his heart melt.

"hey," he says, and he hopes his voice doesn't waver from how nervous he is.

"hey. i missed you," you respond, dodging the hand he holds out and going in for a hug. "i've known you since middle school, logan, i'm not shaking your hand."

your arms around him and your body pressed against his almost makes logan short circuit. thankfully, he's able to regain control of his brain and hug you back, hopefully before you realize he isn't hugging you back.

when you pull back, the hug seeming way too brief for logan's preference, you're looking up and smiling with a sparkle in your eyes that makes him regret not making enough time for you. "thanks for bringing me out here."

"thanks for coming. do you want a drink?"

"sure. do you have a table yet?"

"i was waiting for you."

"in that case, lead the way." you gesture towards the restaurant, and logan shows you to a booth in the corner. soon enough, a waiter comes over to you and sets down two glasses of water and two menus.

"welcome in, y'all. do we need a bit of time to look at the menu or do we know what we want to get started?" his southern drawl is thick, and it reminds you of texas. but you're in florida now.

"i think we'll look at the menu for a minute, thanks," logan says, and the waiter nods and walks away. as you open the menu and begin looking, logan points out something you might like and you do the same for him. conversation begins to flow freely between you, and it reminds you of the times in high school when you would go out with friends.

eventually, you decide on a plate of nachos and logan gets a plate of wings. as you wait for your food, you catch up on everything: your move to texas, logan's racing career, your work volunteering with the austin philharmonic, his homesickness from living in england, and everything in between. you crack stupid jokes, share bites of food, and steal sips of each other's drinks.

it's like old times.

i'll bury them in florida

on wednesday, you and logan drive up to visit your father's headstone. it's difficult. it's only the third time you've visited him since he was buried three years ago. the first time you visited him was a year after he died. even a year later, you still carried so much anger and hatred towards the doctors and nurses that were operating on him, trying desperately to save his life after two bullets hit him- one in his leg, one in his torso.

he died on the table.

the second time was just a few months after, and you were still wearing your cap, gown, and stole from your graduation ceremony. by then, you had been able to forgive the doctors and had graduated in the top 10% of your class. four years of hell had finally rewarded you with a degree in instrumental performance and an internship at the south florida symphony orchestra.

now, the third time, you have a picnic blanket and lunch packed into the backseat of logan's car, the windows are rolled down, and your favorite playlist is shuffled on the aux. it's a beautiful day, too; it isn't too hot (even with the humidity,) there's a gentle breeze in the air, and clouds occasionally cover the sun. when logan pulls into the parking lot of the cemetery and you sling your tote bag full of food over your shoulder, your hands start shaking.

of course, logan notices.

his hand slides into your own, and you look up at him. his eyes meet yours and you smile. "thank you for coming with me," you say.

"of course. i didn't want you to have to do this alone."

you look back at the gate into the cemetery, the black bars menacingly sleek and very, very terrifying. you chew your lower lip in anxiety. "i don't know if i can do it, logan."

"i'm here with you. i know you. you're strong. you aren't the kind of person to let a gate scare you." you laugh lightly, looking down at the ground. the gravel of the parking lot, your scuffed, beat-up high top purple converse, and logan's nike dunks make up what you have to describe as a perfect picture. your phone is in your free hand before you know it, and you're lining up the shot. "still into photography, huh?"

"yep. i have some cameras in my suitcase at the hotel." when you pocket your phone and look back up at him, logan's heart melts. the shine in your eyes and the passion in your smile is enough to soften anyone's heart, but for him, as someone who's known you for years and has been there for you through thick and thin, it touches him in such a special way. "i'm hoping to get some good photos of the races. but enough delaying. let's go visit my dad."

the creak of the gates opening makes your ears bleed, and you laugh at how logan is making the exact same face as you in reaction to such a shrill sound. despite only having visited his headstone twice before, you remember exactly where in the cemetery it is and are able to find it within five minutes.

"hi, dad," you begin, your voice already wavering just the slightest and tears beginning to well in your eyes. logan's hand squeezes yours, though, and you're reminded that he's right there. he always will be. you take a deep breath and continue. "i miss you. we all do. i know i haven't visited you in a while, and i'm sorry about that. i really do have to come stop by every now and then. i moved to austin and have a volunteering gig with the austin philharmonic at almost every show and i have a job at a company that helps students with learning disabilities learn instruments. it's really fun." you pause to wipe the tears off of your cheeks, your nose beginning to drip. "sam is in his junior year of college, and he's majoring in engineering. he flew the coop, but he still comes home for the summers. he, uh, he actually got in to c.u. boulder, like he always talked about. that kid was always thinking about college, even in middle school.

"i'm actually here with logan, too, if you hadn't noticed. do you, uh, do you want to fill him in on what's going on with you, or should i keep going?"

"whatever you prefer."

"okay, i'm going to keep talking, because i think if i don't, i'm going to completely break down. logan finally signed with williams to drive on their formula 1 team last year, like i always said he would. i'm really proud of him and really regret not telling him that more, and now that i'm saying it out loud i'm promising both you and him that i'll tell him that more often. the race this weekend is actually here, in florida. miami, specifically. it's always a celebrity shit show that no one really wants to see, but it's the main opportunity for the celebrity sponsors to actually go to a race.

"what else has been going on? oh, mom is still a therapist. i can't tell you much about that because of hipaa, but she always comes home saying that she's glad that she could help someone. i'm gonna have dinner with her tomorrow night, and then i'm going back into miami to watch logan's practice sessions."

you pause your rambling, thinking about what there is to say next, but your thought is interrupted by your stomach grumbling. loud. you and logan laugh just as loudly, the sound echoing through the grass field and stone gravesites. "oh, yeah, that's another thing. we brought lunch. i also got you pink tulips, because i know they're your favorite." you delicately rest the bouquet on your father's headstone as you sit down, then pull out the different plastic containers filled with food you'd stolen from the williams hospitality. "you'd be proud of me, dad. i smuggled this entire picnic out of the wiliams motorhome without a hiccup. robin hood style."

logan laughs, and you turn to him. he's mirrored your position, sitting cross-legged on the grass. "apple?"

"nah, i'm gonna start with my sandwich. i did grab you some of the salt and vinegar chips i know you like."

the look logan gives you can only be described as pure adoration. "you," he says, pointing a finger at you in an incredibly sassy manner, "are an absolute goddess."

"i know," you respond cheekily, tossing some hair over your shoulder.

the banter between the two of you continues through your picnic, laughter and smiles erasing the dried tracks of tears on your cheeks and on logan's. you're almost able to forget where you are.

tell me i'm despicable

almost two hours later, the two of you are laying in a nearby park underneath a tree, peacefully observing the clouds that pass overhead and talking even more about any topic that comes to your mind. the question that's been gnawing at you since your plane landed in miami eventually bubbles to the surface, and it tumbles past your lips before you can stop it.

"did you ever wonder why i moved to texas?" you look to your left where logan rests, but he keeps looking up at the sky. you mirror him.

"i always assumed it was just because you needed a change of scenery. after everything that happened and your music career taking off, it would make sense that you would relocate to somewhere better suited for you."

"that's the thing, though. if i'm being entirely honest with you, lo, i hate texas. i hate the whole state. i hate how hot it is all the time without even being humid, i hate not being able to go to the beach. i hate how dry it is. i hate how flat it is. i hate the monotony of it. i hate not being here."

logan hesitates for a moment before speaking, and it's the longest moment you've ever experienced. "why did you move to austin, then?"

when he looks over at you, you're chewing your lower lip. it's a nervous tic, logan's noticed. he's not even sure if you know you do it. "honestly? i thought you moved on from our friendship. i thought everything with f1 suddenly got so big and important and famous that maybe i wasn't... enough? i thought that being a police officer's daughter from the same town as you that was studying to teach people how to understand and play music maybe just wasn't cool enough to be friends with a world-renowned formula 1 driver."

logan's heart almost shatters when he hears the weakness in your voice. you sound so broken and so alone. he knew that, when you lost your father, you isolated yourself from a lot of people, even your best friend from high school and through your first year of college. he was the only person outside of your immediate family that you spent a decent amount of time with, but when he was admitted to the driver's academy he had to move to england. he abandoned you.

"i didn't. i never forgot about you. sometimes i still look through the photos we have together because i miss you that much."

you sit up, tears pricking your eyes for the second time that day. "really?"

"yeah. maybe once a week?"

when you look down at logan, you're suddenly starstruck. you can't help but notice all of his little features that you wouldn't see if you didn't know to look for them. his freckles that are so light you'd have to squint to see them if you didn't know them like the back of your hand. the mole on his chin that he'd always been self-conscious about but you've always seen it as beautiful. the lines from where his eyes crinkle when he smiles. the annoyingly perfect flop of his hair that he's styled almost the exact same way since you started high school together. an urge you haven't felt in years suddenly bubbles, white-hot in the pit of your stomach, and it's boiling over before you can stop it. your eyes are closed and your lips are on his. finally. after years of wanting, of stares that lasted just a bit too long to be just friendly, of flushed faces and nervous excuses, you're finally kissing him.

but he's not kissing you back.

you pull back immediately, panicked that you read something wrong. you turn away, hiding your face in your hands out of shame. "shit, logan, i'm so sorry. i thought-"

"kiss me again." logan sits up, and when you turn around, the look he's giving you can only be described as completely and entirely fucked. you don't question his statement, just lean forward, placing your lips on his, and letting yourself melt. he moans softly into the kiss, his right arm wrapping around your waist and pulling you impossibly closer. when you pull away and open your eyes, your breath catches in your throat. he looks beautiful. his eyes remain closed, but when they flutter open, you see colors in them that you've never seen before. sure, you've always seen the darker rim of blue that outlines his irises, but now that you're so close to him, you can see the flecks of green and grey in them. it's the most stunning thing you've ever seen.

eventually, you break the silence between the two of you. "i've wanted to kiss you for so long," you whisper, so quiet you're not sure logan heard it.

but he did.

"me, too," he says, and after a beat of silence between you two, you both burst out laughing. the laugh he hears from you is the pure, bright laugh that logan's missed so dearly, the laugh that you only really let him hear. the laugh that has tears in your eyes and makes you snort because you're laughing so hard you can't even breathe properly.

eventually, when you're able to calm down, your head resting on logan's shoulder, your hand holding his, you're able to process what just happened. you just hope logan is processing it, too.

"we just kissed."

"yes. we did."

"how long have you held out on me?"

"since christmas of sophomore year. when you made me the chevron bracelet with my favorite colors."

you laugh, then lift your head to look at him. "i fell for you in october of that year. when you convinced your mom to drive two and a half hours for the marching band state finals. just so you could be there with me."

"god, we're idiots," logan laughs. you can't help but lean forward and press another kiss to his lips, lingering there and just breathing him in.

existing.

say it's unforgivable

the next two days fly by. thursday, you spend the day with your mother. she asks all sorts of questions as if she doesn't know the answers, and you answer each one with a smile on your face. when she asks about logan, you smile sheepishly. she figures out what the smile means.

"took you two long enough."

normally you'd still be in bed at 9:30 am on a friday, but today, you walk into the miami paddock clutching logan's hand for dear life. your neon green pass hangs from your neck, a white williams cap atop your head. you can't help but feel out of place, but someone calls logan's name and you both turn. your stomach drops when you see who's called his name. his hair is styled similarly to logan's, and he sports a papaya polo.

you'd know him anywhere. it's oscar piastri.

you're standing there a bit awkwardly as logan greets his friend, but your heart stops when oscar turns to you. "oscar, this is my girlfriend." he introduces you by your name to the mclaren driver and you wipe your hands on your denim shorts before shaking his hand firmly, exchanging "nice to meet you"s. the three of you chat for a few minutes before oscar is summoned by his pr manager.

"girlfriend, huh?" you look up at logan with a smile on your face, lacing his fingers with yours.

"i didn't mean to overstep, but i kind of assumed that's what this is now. is it?" he looks a bit nervous asking that, and if you thought your love for him couldn't grow any more, you thought wrong.

"that's absolutely what we are, lo. you're my boyfriend. i'm your girlfriend." you can tell just how hard logan's trying to not let the smile on his face show just how happy he is to hear you say that, and you stand on your tiptoes to press a kiss to his lips briefly. "you have a prep meeting to get to, don't you?"

"i do. come with me, though. i need to introduce you to alex and lily. she can show you around."

"sounds like a plan. i need to learn how to do all of..." you gesture around you, the white tents and media carts all seeming suddenly too intimidating. "...this."

logan laughs, placing a hand on the small of your back to guide you towards the williams hospitality. when you're next to him, though, despite the cameras around you and your proximity to some of the world's biggest stars, you feel safe and protected.

after meeting logan's teammate and the thai driver's girlfriend, who you quickly realize is one of the sweetest people you've ever had the pleasure of meeting, you're shown around the williams hospitality and, eventually, the paddock. lily introduces you to the other drivers' wives and girlfriends that have made it to the weekend, and when you hear a certain last name, your ears perk up.

"martinez? is she latina?"

"yeah," kika, pierre's girlfriend, says. "she's checo's wife. i'm pretty sure she's in the red bull hospitality right now, though."

"ah, speak of the devil," lily says. you see carola walking up to the five of you, alexandra ("please, honey, call me alex," she'd said, bringing you in for a kiss on your cheek,) having walked away to get a drink and escape into the sweet air conditioning. "carola, there's a new couple on the paddock."

"you're kidding," the latina answers, her accent apparent. "who?"

"logan found himself a girlfriend. allow me to introduce her." lily turns to you and introduces you by your full name, last name and all. it seems that carola has a similar reaction to your last name as you did to hers, and her head tilts to the side.

"ya no eres la única mexicana aquí," you say, and her eyebrows raise. (you aren't the only mexican here anymore.)

"hablas español, también?" (you speak spanish, too?) when you nod, her smile brightens. "hay, chica, creo que nosotras dos nos vamos a llevar muy bien." (oh, girl, i think we're going to get along very well.)

on saturday, you find yourself back in the williams motorhome, except this time, you wear a second badge, the neon green lanyard reading grid access in bold black lettering. like the day before, you clutch logan's hand for your own comfort until, much to your dismay, he's summoned for driver duties. you place a quick kiss on his cheek, and when you pull back, you aren't sure if the flush on his cheeks is from the affection or the miami heat. probably both.

"in case i don't see you before sprint. for luck."

"oh, you'll be in the garage. that's what this pass is for," logan says, holding your second badge in front of your face. "lily will show you where to go. i'll take a kiss anyways, though." you smile, stand on your toes, and kiss him, pulling back before he can wrap an arm around your waist. (that was a trick he very much enjoyed, as you'd learned the night before. there was something in him that needed you as close to him as possible, and it covered every nerve ending in your body in liquid fire.)

"off you go. you need to get race ready. i'll see you before you go out on the grid. don't worry." you gently shove him away with a smile, and you'd stare at him longer if your ankles weren't suddenly being attacked. you look down and squeal. "hi, leo! did your dad let you run free?" you squat down and scratch the mini daschund behind his disproportionally large ears, and he barks excitedly.

someone curses in french to your right, and you look up from the little golden ball of energy to see none other than charles leclerc frantically searching around. leo barks again, and the monégasque whips around, then locks eyes on you first, then his dog.

"merde, leo. you have too much energy for it being this early in the morning," he laughs as he walks over to you.

"i apologize, it appears i've unintentionally kidnapped your dog." you stand, and leo jumps at your calves again.

"ah, no harm, no foul," charles replies, picking up his dog and holding him close to his chest. "i will say, though, you look strangely familiar. have we met? my name is charles."

"we have not." you extend your hand and offer your name, and, when charles' eyebrows furrow and his head tilts in confusion, you realize that means nothing to him. "i'm logan's girlfriend."

"ah! yes, of course! he has a photo of the two of you at your high school graduation in his wallet. that's where i knew you from. well, it's nice to meet you!" that was news to you. logan has a picture of you in his wallet? either way, you just casually met one of the most famous people in the world like it was a standard tuesday.

if this is what i signed up for by being logan's girlfriend, then it is absolutely wild.

you're able to catch another good luck kiss with logan as he's almost fully suited up, and fuck, does he look good. his fireproof suit hangs low on his hips, the arms tied together in front of him. dark blue is a good color on him, and his facial hair is grown out in just the slightest. you can't lie, he looks hot as hell.

you cross your legs in an attempt to curb the heat that creeps down your tummy and between them. it doesn't work.

you amend it that night in logan's hotel room following his p10 in the sprint.

on sunday, you try to avoid thinking about the night before as you follow the same routine as the two days before- arriving early in the day, checking in at the williams motorhome, and then killing time until the driver's parade at 2:00 PM. you spend time with your new group of friends, spending the three remaining hours before the parade in the paddock club. rebecca, carlos' girlfriend, snickers at your shocked face when you see some of your idols and favorite celebrities casually walking around, gladly taking some photos for you as you're practically buzzing with excitement.

after the driver's parade, it's a whirlwind. you're swept back into the williams garage and find logan's driver's room relatively easily thanks to the help of some of the engineers and mechanics, but one of them stops you before you can venture too far into the depths of the hallways.

"could you tell him we have the pre-race strategy meeting in twenty minutes?"

"yeah, for sure." as you approach logan's door, you have to bite down on your lower lip to stifle the grin that wants to split your face. you knock on his door, and when he opens it, you know something's wrong. "lo, are you okay?" his eyes are red and his hand shakes on the doorknob. instead of a verbal response, he just opens the door a bit further to let you in, and, as soon as it shuts behind you, he sobs, and your heart shatters.

"i'm so scared. i'm so scared that something's going to happen and i'm going to let all of these people down and-" you gather him into your arms and he cries into the crook of your neck, your williams crewneck shirt now damp with his tears. you couldn't care less.

"you're going to do amazing, logie. i know you will." with your arms wrapped around him, it's almost like a weighted blanket of safety has encompassed him, and his sobs slow, his breaths growing deeper and more even. you continue murmuring words of confidence into his shoulder, and not a single word you say is empty.

"hey. look at me." you lean back and gently cup his cheek with your right palm, and when his eyes meet yours, you know that he needed to cry that one out. "do you feel a little bit better?" logan nods, tilting his head ever so slightly to kiss your palm, his own hand coming up to rest over yours. it's a cute, sappy, stupidly romantic moment that you from three weeks ago would've probably thought was the grossest thing known to mankind, but you can't help but bask in the moment. "is there anything i can do to help you feel better right now?" your voice is a soothing balm over logan's agitated nerves, and he slowly untangles himself from you and guides you over to the couch that's against the back wall, where he sits down and you curl up to his left side.

"can you just... talk? about anything?"

"are you seriously asking if me, the person with the most rampant adhd you've ever met, can talk about something? yes, logan, i absolutely can. what to talk about, though?"

as you talk, deciding to info dump about your favorite classical music piece, logan can't help but watch it unfold. he doesn't know jack shit about music theory, but listening to you ramble about something you're passionate about brings him so much peace. you're disturbed about fifteen minutes later by a knock at the door, promptly followed by a disembodied voice telling logan that it was time for the strategy meeting.

"aw, shit," he says, leaning his head back and rubbing at his eyes. "i have that to go to now."

"yeah, sorry. i was supposed to tell you about that but we had a bigger problem on our hands." your voice is sheepish now that your info dump has been cut short, but logan leans over to you and kisses you, soft and slow, just like the first time he kissed you properly in the park. when he pulls away, he looks so much calmer than he was twenty minutes before. "is there anything else i can do?"

"go have some fun in the paddock. and please drink some water." you roll your eyes and stand, bringing him in for another hug before you slip out of the door.

almost two hours later, you're back in the williams garage with a guest headset over your ears. your stomach twists with nerves as the national anthem concludes. lily's hand is clasped with yours.

"the first lap is the worst. after that, you lose a lot of the anxiety," she assures you, noticing how you chew your lower lip.

"thanks." you pause for a moment, contemplating another question. "does it ever get easier? seeing how they go out there and drive like absolute maniacs for fun?"

"it does. it took me a couple of months, but after alex showed me all of the safety features in the car and in his fireproofs, it definitely helped."

it's the moment you've been dreading.

one red light.

two.

three.

four.

five.

and then none.

the engines roar and the race has begun. lily didn't lie to you- the first lap is excruciatingly long, but when everyone's completed their first loop around the circuit, you let yourself breathe. your eyes are trained on the screen above you, and the laps are flying by so quickly that you barely process that the race is nearly halfway over.

but then logan's car is in the wall. fuck.

as you watch the replay of his crash, you can feel white-hot rage burning in your body. after the race stewards only declare a ten-second penalty and two super license points, though, you're fuming. "two penalty points and a ten-second penalty? magnussen caused logan's race to end, and they just let him go? they just forgive him and move on? how can he get away with that? this is bullshit!"

what a crash, what a rush

the first person logan looks for when he walks back into the williams garage, his visor still low over his eyes in shame, is you. when you see him walking towards the room where you and lily watch the race, you tear the headset off of your ears and run to him. the feeling of his arms wrapping around your shoulders and hearing his heartbeat even through your musician's earplugs soothes your agitated nerves. he's okay. he's alive. he isn't hurt. "thank fuck you're okay," you say, even though he definitely can't hear you through his helmet and over the roar of passing engines. when you pull away, you press a kiss to his knuckles and hope he understands how much love you're trying to convey through such a small gesture.

fuck me up, florida!

one of logan's best friends on the grid is oscar. oscar's teammate got his maiden win after almost five years of waiting in miami.

like any sensible person, you celebrate with him.

you have no idea what the name of the club is, much less how many drinks you've had so far, but what you do know is that lando has commandeered the dj station and logan is pressed against your back, his hands resting on your hips. the air is hot and thick, your heartbeat pounds in your head. the opening notes of bad bunny's tití me preguntó begin playing through the massive speakers, and you shoot a glare up to lando that he doesn't see, his focus instead on the equipment in front of him. when the bass hits, though, you let all apprehensiveness go and your genetics take the reins. your hips sway and swing to the beat, your hands wander up and down your torso, and logan simply follows your lead. it takes you a moment to realize that, if you want to get a rise out of him, you're going to have to spin around and face him.

with your hips swaying against his and how unbearably beautiful you look in the dim light, your skin glowing with sweat and your hair up in a high ponytail, logan can't help but lean down and kiss you when you finally turn around. you reciprocate gladly, your right leg slotting between both of his, and...

oh.

oh.

he's hard.

you pull away slightly, barely an inch between your lips. "slow your roll there, tiger."

"i don't want to." fire zips down your spine at the sound of his voice, low and breathy and so, so desperate. "need to fuck you."

"should we get outta here, then?"

"i thought you'd never ask." you smile and kiss him quickly, then take his hand and weave your way through the crowded dance floor. as the miami night air hits your face, you immediately feel cooler. you sigh, taking a moment to breathe and regulate your heart rate and body temperature, but you can't breathe for that long before logan wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you back against him and kissing your neck. you laugh, running your hands along his forearms.

"logan, not here. the hotel is two blocks away."

"i can't help it, baby, you just look so pretty," he hums, kissing the back of your neck once more before pulling away and stepping around to face you. "you look so pretty, and you're mine."

his possessiveness of you makes more heat zip down your spine, and you almost drool at how he's looking at you. his eyes, normally a beautiful mix between the blues of the sky and sea, ar"e almost completely dark, only a small sliver of his irises remaining, and the muscles in his jaw tick. "hotel. now."

by the time you reach the door to logan's hotel room, you're both out of breath from how hard he kissed you in the elevator and the arousal and need between your legs won't be stopped unless he replaces it. you stumble through the door and try to kiss logan again, matching the vigor he showed you in the elevator, but he stops you. "wanna take my time with you tonight."

"yeah?" you raise an eyebrow and inspect his face. the blinds are open but no lights are on, so all you can see is the side of his face that's illuminated by the lights from the streets of miami. it's an unusually beautiful sight.

"yeah. nothing about what i'm about to do to you is going to be fast. i'm gonna make you feel good tonight. how's that sound?"

"that sounds amazing, logan." you lean forward and kiss him gently, your lips slotting together as if you were made for each other. who knows, maybe you were. the next five minutes are a blur, but before you know it, you're laying back against the pillows on logan's bed and his face is buried between your thighs, his tongue working magic on your clit. the air in the hotel room is filled with your moans and the sounds of logan devouring you like a man starved, and it's the most beautiful mix of sounds you've ever heard. when he flicks his tongue oh-so-perfectly against your entrance, his nose brushing over your clit, you moan and pull his hair hard, which, in turn, makes him moan against you.

you aren't sure how much time passes or how many orgasms logan pulls from you with just his tongue and his fingers, but when you feel completely and entirely spent, your chest heaving and your hairline sparkling with tiny beads of sweat, you pull logan up to you by his shoulders, and he looks completely and entirely fucked. "need you inside of me," you mumble, wiping at the mix of spit and cum that coats the entire bottom half of his face with your thumbs. as if on instinct, you bring your hands to your mouth and lick them clean, and logan groans at the sight. "inside. now."

"as you wish, baby." logan's hands fumble at his boxers, the only item of clothing he was left wearing, and when he finally, finally pushes himself into you, you both moan. your hands scrabble at his shoulders and back, most definitely leaving red marks that will raise later, and his mouth latches onto your neck, biting down and then gently kissing over the red spot.

"nngh, lo-" your brain is short circuiting, logan's cock filling you up so perfectly and absolutely ruining you for any other man ever.

"yeah? you okay, baby?" he pulls back from your neck and scans your face for any sign of discomfort of pain, his sky blue eyes searching your own. the feeling of safety you get from just that one action is almost enough to make you sob from how good you feel because of him, both physically and emotionally.

"feels so good, lo. j'st... move, please."

"you sure? i don't wanna hurt you."

"positive. now please." you reach a hand up and pull him down towards you by the back of his neck, tangling your fingers in his hair and pulling hard. "fuck me properly." without wasting a second, logan reaches a hand down and hooks it under your left thigh, bringing your leg up to rest around his waist, then pulling back and thrusting back in fast. the moan that rips itself from your throat is sinful, and your breath is being punched from your lungs at the downright brutal pace logan's setting. your right leg finds itself locking around his waist, only bringing him infinitely closer, and now, each time he thrusts back into you, your clit bumps against his pelvis. within minutes, you're embarrassingly close to cumming again, and through your garbled mumbling and clawing at his shoulders, he understands, reaching his right hand down to gently press against your clit.

"cum for me, baby, please, need to feel you cum for me just one more time, just let go, i've got you." it's logan's voice that ultimately sends you pummelling over the edge into an orgasm that makes your back arch and your vision fuzz at the edges, and you cum with a cry of his name. his hips slow and his fingers maintain a steady rhythm on your clit, but you can tell it's taking its toll on him. "where- where do you want me to cum?"

"i'm on the pill, lo. inside, baby, please," you whine, and it takes two more thrusts before logan groans, his hips coming to a shuddering halt as he cums inside of you. it's a beautiful sight, too- his eyes scrunched closed and his eyebrows drawn together, his hair a complete mess from where your hands had pulled at it. your hands run through his hair and along his back, and you patiently wait as he comes back to earth.

"hi," he murmurs, opening his eyes and smiling down at you.

"hi," you respond.

no other words need to be said. you know you love him, and he knows he loves you.

and you're both okay with that.

this took me way longer to write than i thought it would, but i absolutely love it! reminder that my asks and requests are open, and i always get excited when i get feedback! take care of urselves lovies <3

[ilovebuckers5]

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚see you again˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡

paige bueckers x sensitive!reader

word count - 1.4k

summary - Paige's gf is definitely not used to Paige being away for games

themes :

-fluff

-crying

-sadness (if u can call that a theme)

A/N- sorry its so short but I got this idea randomly and didnt want to forget it or anything so here you go

it was a couple days after UConn's most recent game against Marquette and they won easily but the hard part was seeing my girlfriend come home, knowing that shed have her first away game of the season in three days. me and Paige had only been dating for a couple months and you could my attachment issues are still a bit out of control. Paige and her team came through the door with smiles on their faces. laughing and talking over each other about how good everyone did. I couldn't help but continue to stare at my phone so that I didn't have to look at the team and be the only one on the brink of tears. my screen was on Amazon as I scrolled mindlessly through some books I had saved to my cart. the more I tried to hold back tears the heavier they came. a couple tears fell onto my phone screen. a long sigh exited my mouth as an attempt to pull back the tears that followed the previous. once the girls set all their things down I looked up to see Paige walking up to me.

i was sitting on the far side of the leather couch, curled up with my knees against my chest. head down. hair falling in front of my eyes. I felt Paige's hand reach up to my face, gliding a strand of hair out of the way and behind my ear. this revealed the couple of tear streaks that had ran down my cheeks. "baby? what's wrong talk to me" Paige whispered softly against my skin. she laid her head on my shoulder when I tried to not look at her. her hand wandered around my legs before resting on my knee. I could tell that she was extremely happy about her win so I didnt want to ruin anything for her. "its nothing" I choked back a couple tears while speaking in a lower tone. no matter how hard I tried, the blonde could always tell when something was wrong. of course it was obvious this time. I finally looked up to see that distinct 'i know somethings wrong' look on Paige's face. I felt her eyes digging into my own that were still filled with tears. before I got the chance to speak again the tears fell. I quickly covered my face with my palms while paige held me in her arms. my head sat on her chest as her hand ran through the back of my hair. "I don't want to do this in front of everyone." I whined in-between muffled sobs. my words quickly traveled to Paige's head before she lifted me off the couch and walked the both of us to her own room.

her hands were wrapped around my waist as she laid down on her bed. I followed after her and laid my head on her chest. my tears slowly were soaked up by her black t shirt, leaving a faint wet mark right on her covered collarbones. Paige tried lifting my head up to look at me so that I could explain to her what is even happening, but I kept my head on her chest with no plan of getting on. my leg was pushing up and laying across her waist. finally, I raised my head up to look into her blue eyes. I ran my hand against her cheek and placed a short kiss on her lips. "please don't go to Maryland. stay here." I tried pleading. a small frown grew on her lips as a couple more tears fell down my skin. "I'm sorry princess. I wish I could." I knew she wouldn't stay but it was worth a try. I felt so desperate for her to just stay with me in her arms.

the next morning was the day that the girls had to go to the airport to get going. I woke up in the same position I was in the day before. laying on Paige's body with my leg still raised up against her. the only thing different is that she happened to cover us up before sleeping. I blinked my eyes open to see Paiges eyes staring into my own. her hand rested on the small of my back which was a nice thing to wake up to. "morning" a soft smile was placed on her mouth as she continued to look at me. I tried to force a smile on so that I wouldn't cry again but failed miserably. I spent the entire morning crying before Caroline walked through the door and let Paige know that she had to get ready. "you guys alright?" Caroline asked calmly while tilting her head. my eyes were shoved in Paige's chest so she gave a nod back at Caroline, letting her know that she would get up in a little. Paige patted my back before gently laying me next to her instead of on top. my eyes were still puffy but I tried my best to put on a happy look so that Paige didn't worry.

after Paige was done packing her bags, I stood up from her bed and wrapped my hands around her waist and pressed my head in between her neck and shoulder. but for the first time int he past 48 hours I didn't cry. "baby? can I do your hair before you go?" without hesitation, Paige nodded eagerly and gripped onto my wrist, leading me into the bathroom. she sat down on a stool with her hands in her lap. she waited patiently like a kid on her first day of school, while I got out the gel and hair ties. I decided to do a French braid. I ran my fingers through her hair that was still a little tangled from sleeping. I ran her brush through the strands of blonde hair to smooth it out before parting each piece I needed. "what color?"I held three different hair ties in front of Paige. a dark purple hair ties. a hot pink one. and a navy blue one. Paige reached for the blue one to match her jersey and handed it to me. "that one" I smiled softly just at the sound of her voice.

once her hair was done, she stood up and spun around the big mirror to get a better look at it. "I love it hun" Paige used her knuckled to lift my chin up and pressed a soft kiss on my lips. I kissed back before pulling away and staring at her now reddened face. "fuck I'm gonna miss you so much baby" now it was her face that was buried in my skin. my arms quickly wrapped around the back of her neck. we stood there for a couple minutes before we both walked out the door to see everyone sitting down waiting to leave. Paige gave an ashamed look at the girls for taking so long but everyone just laughed. my hand was wrapped around hers even though she had to walk away. I tugged my lip in between my teeth once Paige removed her hand from mine. she gave me one last hug. a really tight one. a couple tears fell into her shirt.

we had only been together for 3 months so the words "I love you" still hadn't been mentioned. everytime I thought she would say it we were interrupted or shes fall asleep or something like that. there were so many times that I thought it would be time that it would be the right moment then it wouldn't be. I kept getting that feeling ever since last night. and finally just as Paige was going to pull away from the hug and leave it happened. the words slipped out of her mouth and perfectly ran through my eardrums. I literally felt my heart drop to my stomach in the best way possible.

"I love you so much." her words were muffled against me but I still understand all five words she said. my eyes lit up once I realized that she actually said it. of course I didn't waste anytime and quickly gave it back to her. "I love you more" I tried my best to not freak out while the entire team was in the room but once they left I was jumping around. leaping onto the couch and Paiges bed. squealing like a teenager.

i love her so much.

[binniesbooks]

haihai fayeee!! this is my first time requesting but recently all i can think about is soft dom hyuka 😓😓

softdom!hyuka x sub!reader

nothing to much but hyuka and reader havent seen eachother in a while due to their busy schedules on a free night hyuka goes over to reader’s apartment to play video games and things end up in fluffy sex

• CAN I COME OVER?

HK 002 .F22 2024

wc 2.2k

pairings idolbf!Kai x fem!reader

warnings soft sex, safe sex, fingering, soft dom hyuka, sub reader, marking (+ anything I've missed)

faye's note guys, honestly, i struggle writing soft and fluffy scenes. I just found out lmao 😭 anyway, Hyuka definitely suits soft sex 😋 our pretty boy!

"Kai, I miss you already," you pout, looking at your boyfriend through the screen of your laptop. He chuckled heartily, hugging the plushie in his arms tight.

"I miss you more, little penguin," he smiled. "I'm sorry I'm not there, we haven't finished our tour yet," he added with a sigh, placing his chin on the plushie he was hugging.

"I understand, please take care of yourself, okay? I don't want you to lose weight," you smiled.

"Yes ma'am!" Your laugh resonates within the four walls of your room when he salutes. He looks so silly. He's cute and adorable.

"I'll get going, don't forget to eat your dinner, okay?" You hummed as an answer, waving and waiting for Kai to drop the call.

You sighed, closing your laptop with a heavy heart. It feels like it's been ages since you last hung out with your boyfriend. He's too busy with their world tour. Traveling from one place to another and moving again the next couple of days.

You can't protest though, knowing that your boyfriend loves his job and he's enjoying every moment of it. So you have nothing else to do but wait for him. Besides, he always keeps his promises, no matter what.

So when you saw the news on the TV that they already landed, you quickly sent him a message to just rest for now and just drop by the next few days.

You were getting a bit worried because it's been 4 hours, yet he hasn't replied to your message. It's already 10 o'clock in the evening, and he would normally text you back whenever you sent him one.

While you were pacing back and forth in front of your couch, your phone rang. You quickly answered the call, thinking that something happened to Kai.

"Y/n-"

"Kai! Kai, oh my god!"

"Hey, are you okay?" he answered, his voice hinting with worry. Your knees felt wobbly and weak, so you plopped down on your couch to at least relax a bit.

"I was so worried, I thought something happened to you!" you exclaimed, tears threatening to fall from your eyes. 

"Hey, I'm sorry for not texting you back. I won't do it again, I just thought you wouldn't be this worried about me," he tried to explain.

"How can I not be worried? God knows how worried I was!"

"I'm sorry, can I come over? I'll make it up to you," he said, attempting to coax you.

You sighed, worried that he might still be jet lagged. "Rest for now, Kai. You can drop by tomorrow, okay?"

You heard a heavy sigh from the other line, and you could even picture his pouty face. "Come on now, there's still tomorrow," you cheered him up.

"Fine, fine. Don't let just anyone in, okay?"

You nodded and hummed as an answer, as if he could see you. With another big sigh, you felt relieved. At least you knew he was okay.

Just when you were about to sleep, someone rings your doorbell. "Who in the world!" you exclaimed, throwing your blanket off of you. Because who could be ringing your doorbell in the middle of the night?!

"I swear if this is some type of prank—Kai?" Your boiling blood quickly calmed down after seeing your boyfriend in front of your apartment.

"Hi," Kai said with a little wave of his hand, smiling from ear to ear.

"What are you doing here? I thought I already told you to rest." You sighed, your eyes teary from how overwhelmed you are as you pulled him closer, hugging him tight and sobbing into his chest.

"Hush now, stop crying. Let's go inside, shall we?" he said while gently caressing your back.

You couldn't help but cling to him, as the both of you eventually made your way to the living room. He himself couldn't stop telling you how he missed you. With you leaning your head on his chest while sitting on his lap, he started telling you how the tour went. From how his two hyungs forced him along with Taehyun and Beomgyu to dance their unit song 'The Killa', to him deciding to play a little on their 'Growing Pain' song out of boredom.

You could also feel how your lips were about to be torn because of how you laughed non-stop from his funny stories from their tour. 

Little did you know, how he loves it when you laugh and smile genuinely. He loves the fluttering feeling in his heart. 

"Oh! I remembered something! Me and Soobin hyung played during our break from tours. Do you wanna try? I brought the controllers," he suggested.

Your curious little mind can't help but want to try what he was suggesting. So you nodded and planted a kiss on the tip of his beautiful nose.

"Of course! How dare I say no to your request?" you giggled.

You grabbed his hand and made your way to your bedroom. Settling deep into your bed, Kai booted up the game, story telling continued—he's still not done with it.

While the two of you enjoyed playing in the dead of night, Kai couldn't help but notice your hair tied up into a ponytail, exposing your beautiful neck. He tried gulping down the feeling, but he just couldn't push it back—your neck totally enticed him. 

The occasional bite of his lip and the way he looks at you didn't escape your line of sight. Until the electricity in the room shifted, an undercurrent of something deeper simmered between the two of you. As your characters danced across the screen, your real-life selves drew closer.

In a moment of spontaneity, you leaned in, brushing your lips gently against Kai’s. The kiss was soft at first, almost hesitant, but it ignited a warmth that spread through the both of you—controllers tossed and the video game characters now stuck.

The atmosphere quickly transformed. Walls that separated two worlds crumbled as you explored each other with the same curiosity and excitement the way you navigated through video game quests. The kiss deepened, fingers intertwining and bodies instinctively moving closer, wrapped in an embrace that felt warm and fluffy, like the softest blankets.

In that moment, the boundaries became blurred as Kai put his hands against your skin, and every whispered thought led to more tenderness. The laughter you shared now mixed with soft gasps, and the room filled with an energy only the two of you could understand.

"Sorry, I just... Fuck, I just missed you," Ka murmured with a smile. His thumb drawing small circles on your waist. You cradled his face, not bothering to answer him as you planted a wet kiss to his lips. Kai slightly opened his mouth, letting his tongue swirl around yours.

"Kai, please," you mumbled.

Kai turned you around, pulling you closer to his chest just between his legs as he locks his arm around your waist, his other hand gently rubbing the skin of your thighs. 

"You still smell so sweet," he muttered, planting a kiss on your neck that has been attracting him ever since you two started playing.

"I hope I can bring you on tours, I need you to take care of me," he pouts, his mouth still working wonders on your exposed neck, blossoming marks littered around. His fingers slowly dipped closer to your inner thighs, pushing your soft sleep shorts to the side. Kai ran his middle finger on your clothed pussy, feeling the wet cloth clinging onto your folds. 

With a single buck of your hips, he slips his hand inside your underwear, slowly pushing his ring finger in. Your gasp made him chuckle, twisting his finger inside you.

"K-kai... N-need more..." you pleaded, looking up at him, the rising and falling of his broad chest making you feel more aroused.You whined when he withdrew his finger, placing it on your lips as he whispered, "Sshhh." 

You shook your head as you plead again, wanting to feel more, desperate to cum. "Kai, need you," you slurred.

"Give me a minute." A wide grin grew on his lips as he grabbed his phone, a bright idea popping into his mind. He opened his music app, clicking on one of their most recent songs. He turned the volume down, enough for just the two of you to hear. His fingers returning to your wet folds as the rhythm of the song rings in your ear—it was The Killa.

Your sobs became louder as he pushed his middle finger inside again, twisting and curling to tease you. "K-kai!" You couldn't help but yelp when he slips his middle finger in, carefully fucking you with his digits, their song still softly playing in the background—the clips you saw about Kai dancing to it flashed on your mind.

As your abdomen tightened, his mouth played with your earlobe, occasionally licking, biting, and sucking it."G-gonna cum, please..." You hold his hand, guiding him to move faster and let yourself cum on his fingers. Your back arched against his chest, hands clutching on the sheets as your orgasm washed over you.

Your ragged breathing made Kai smile. "Are you okay?" he asked, kissing your temple while his fingers still move slowly inside you to let you ride out your high.You looked up to him, tilting your head, trying to reach for his lip. Which he responded by lowering his head down to give you a kiss. 

"Need to feel you, Kai. I missed this," you muttered, your breathing uneven.

"You don't need to ask, I missed this just as much as you do."

You quickly got out of bed to take a quick run to the bathroom, scavenging your small cabinet to find the half-used box of condoms you kept around for him to use whenever the two of you wanted to have your alone time.

Kai was already removing his jacket when you returned to your bedroom, showing his now buff build. 

"You've been working out, right?" You smiled, tossing the box on the bed as your hand found its way to Kai's chest.

"Mhm. I want my girl to have something to brag about his boyfriend, at least," he chuckled as he pulled your face to kiss your cheek. You couldn't help but giggle at his actions. He was really sweet and nice towards you. You couldn't ask for more.

Kai tapped the space beside him as he lay down, getting the two of you in the spooning position, one of his arms resting under your head. He pulled his sweats down, just enough for him to free his throbbing cock, giving you a single condom packet, quietly asking you to open it for him. He pumped his cock a few times before he heard a ripping sound coming from the foil material as you passed him the thin piece of rubber.

His hand pulled your sleep shorts down as his hand that was resting under your head wrapped around your shoulder, pulling you flush to his chest. 

"I love you, y/n," he whispered, kissing your ear.

"I love you too, Kai." Your giggle didn't last long and eventually turned into a soft moan when he slowly pushed inside you as he held your waist.

"This is the only reason I love when I am away from you for a couple of months. You get so tight," he moaned just right behind your ear. His words spurred you more.

His hand slowly unbuttoned your sleepwear, exposing your tits. Your breast perfectly fits his hand as he gently massages it while he starts thrusting inside.

"So tight, love, so tight. Fuck, I could barely move," he groans. You tried to answer, but moans and whimpers are the only thing that came out of your pretty mouth.

"Mmphh!" You whined when Kai pushed a little deeper inside you. You could feel how thick his cock was, how veiny and hard it was. "I need you like this on tour. Whenever I feel too tired, I just need you," he whispered, eyes tightly shut as he kept on thrusting inside you.

Your hand reaches back, tangling your fingers on his hair, spurring him further. His name is coming out of your mouth like a chant. Kai was sure he wouldn't last long when he buried his face on your nape, trying to hold back his moan.

He wasn't expecting you to press your hips towards him, and it only made him reach his orgasm faster. His hips stutter as he stilled inside you, strings of loud moans and whimpers came out of his throat. Kai was reeling when you clenched around him cumming on his cock, and he silently wished that you let him hit you raw instead.

Kai pulls away, his body sweaty and sticky, as he discards the condom in the bin next to your bed. He scoots closer to you as he turns you around and lets you lay your head on his chest.

"That was hot. Vanilla but hot," he chuckled, his chest harshly rising and falling.

"Thank you for dropping by," you giggled as you hugged his waist.

His fingers combed through your hair as the two of you slowly drifted to sleep—their song still on repeat, softly playing in the background, mixing with the soft snores coming from the two of you.

@binniesbooks 2024

[sandyca5tle]

Slime HRT - 24 Months

Well, these past couple months have been hell, with a light at the end of the tunnel that I’ve now reached, but still. Anyway, on with the show…

So, before I get into the really gritty stuff, my jaw and teeth were converted pretty early on, as well as my ear bones. The former were a little funky, but honestly nothing really changed there, since I already don’t need to chew things, losing my teeth was no big deal, and for the latter, there was a small blip in my hearing - for a few minutes - but then it came back, honestly better than before. I wasn’t super worried about the hearing loss, particularly after eyes taste and smell, only how long I'd be deaf for, but fortunately, as I said, it really wasn't a problem. I’m pretty sure that my slime has just replaced my inner ear’s function innately, and since hearing is just interpreted vibrations, and slime is pretty good at vibrating. What was and has been nice is the cat ears I made a few months back can now actually function, which took a little getting used to, but my hearing is super good now, if a little overwhelming at times.

Right, on to the less pleasant parts: Remember how in the last update I said that apparently you know when your brain goes, yeah, that’s true, and it’s ‘cause it’s genuinely the most painful, disorienting, and scary thing I have ever experienced. First of all, unlike a lot of other changes, it kinda just goes all at once - I think it’s a survival thing, the brain/core wouldn’t function while being half transformed, and it’d probably kill you if they tried to. Only issue is that this means that your brain basically dissolves over the course of a few hours, which is excruciating, and the weeks leading up to that absolutely suck as well.

The first thing I noticed was the pain - headaches, some of the worst I’ve ever had (which I know I’ve said a lot over the course of this, but I was fortunate before to have very little issues, and turns out transforming your whole body hurts). I tried to take some painkillers to help, but they don’t seem to work any more - not sure if it’s ‘cause my biology is so different now, or ‘cause my body breaks them down too well, but either way they don’t work, so I had to suffer through the pain.

Either on top of or because of the pain, I've had a general sense of disorientation. It started off as just sometimes getting a little turned around in games and the like, but it progressed to getting lost if I tried to go anywhere (which was compounded by some other stuff too). Frankly it's a good thing in the final days before my brain changed that I hurt too much to go anywhere, else I probably would have ended up somewhere entirely unknown at a really vulnerable stage in my transformation.

I also have had some memory issues while things have worked things out. My memory has never been amazing in the first place, but I started to get very forgetful, forgetting appointments, plans, even eating (I'd usually ‘remember’ when I started idly eating random things I had around, which has meant I've lost a few things, but I don't remember what so I'm keep finding things I need to replace). I’m also pretty sure I lost some older memories too, but it’s really hard to tell if that’s from normal forgetting or forgetting ‘cause my brain was becoming mush, it’s kinda scary not knowing. This is also part of what compounded my disorientation - when telling left from right is getting hard, forgetting where you're even meant to go or have come from only makes things worse. Also, try reforming yourself from a puddle when you barely remember what you were before… definitely had some interesting shapes recently. Honestly, it was terrifying, I actually didn't know if I'd ever be able to remember things again (obviously I can, but I didn't know that at the time, and my memory of that period are sketchy at best)

Of course, the pain I mentioned earlier made it hard to focus on things, but even beyond that my ability to focus seemed to vanish. I have been so easily distracted over the past couple of months. Genuinely a glint of light or something could completely draw my attention from whatever I was doing, and then I'd usually completely forget what I was doing, get distracted by something else and wonder off. I apparently walked off in the middle of so many games and videos and just any activity I was doing. Frankly it's a miracle that I have any notes, or remember enough to actually write this entry, I kinda spent most of this last month piecing together what I do remember and have notes of (the notes are not the most legible, worse than my normal handwriting which is awful anyways (there's a reason I type these updates)). 

On top of all this, I also had nightmares and hallucinations. The former sucked, but honestly asides from waking up in some weird shapes in attempts to either fight or defend myself from whatever was jumping me in the nightmare (assuming it was a monster one) they were over once I woke up. The hallucinations were worse, since they could appear at any time, and oh boy do they seem real. Sometimes they were small things, noises, or a shape in my periphery. Other times they were blurry, intimidating figures in the distance. And of course with my inability to focus on things, these hallucinations would only be another thing to distract my addled brain. The worst though, was waking up from a nightmare, a puddle unable to reform, and the nightmare continuing as a hallucination in the real world. That'd usually shake me up for a day - and annoyingly my memory issues didn't really seem to extend to them. I'm still working out what was real and fake from that time, and it has not been easy, or fun. My ‘brain’ feels like goddamn soup whenever I think about that time. 

On top of everything else, sometimes I'd faint. Sometimes due to pain, other times (particularly towards the end of the transformation) I'd just keel over, only to wake up in a puddle of myself. It was really disconcerting and scary… kinda felt like my brain was just cutting out, and I was a little scared it might not cut back in at some point… and of course that’s one of the things I remember clearly, the fear and worry of that - very clear that the ‘remember bad shit’ survival instinct was and still is functioning, as annoying as that is.

Since I don't particularly want to linger on those thoughts more than I already have, an interesting thing to note is that even through all of this, my actual mental faculties didn't diminish - while I was forgetful and distracted, if I managed to make myself, I found myself just as capable as before. I partially did this to help assure myself I wasn't losing myself, but also because, let's be honest, slimes aren't known for being the brightest bunch, and I've been a little worried this whole time that I'd get dumber or something. The pamphlet I was given didn't really say anything about this happening, but I know from trans hrt that the information your given doesn't always include every possible effect (I know it certainly failed to mention the attention issues during the most recent stage, and the blindness from before) 

But, despite last month being basically the worst month of my life, I have survived, albeit a little scrambled, and I'm slowly putting everything back together. And of course, now, there's nothing human left in me! I'm all slime!!! (It makes me so unbelievably happy to be able to say that now).

Interestingly, unlike everything else, my brain hasn't fully gone, instead I ended up with what I quickly realised is a slime core! For those unfamiliar, slimes can have a core, which is essentially like their brain/major organ inside them, usually looking like a small coloured sphere. While slimes are usually pretty hard to damage permanently, damage done to a slimes core can be very debilitating, like heart, brain, or lung damage for humans and stuff. 

I actually think I had a kind of proto-core before hand, but didn't notice it, and I think it came around about when my digestive system was changed, since I think my core manages matter-to-slime conversion (I'm guessing this ‘cause that's improved since my core has now fully formed). I guess I didn’t spy it before ‘cause it was too small or something?

On that note, my core is/looks like, interestingly, a kind of verdant green gem. It mostly just seems to float inside of my goo, although I can move it around my body wherever I like, but I tend to keep it either right in the middle of my torso, or in the middle of my chest (at least in human form). Both areas have a decent amount of goo protecting my core, and it looks neat to have it there. 

It does actually look really pretty, especially when taken outside of my body (don't worry, it can be taken out of my body, so long as it remains in contact with my goo I'm completely fine), and yeah, just kinda looks like a funky green stone/gem. I am curious as to why it's green, and I'm kinda hoping it's gonna boost the efficiency of my photosynthesis, and that it's green ‘cause of chlorophyll, but I don't honestly know yet, need some nice sunny days to properly test it out. 

I did find out that if my core does become separated from my goo, I can just reform another body from stored goo around the core, leaving the old body to fall (but I can just reabsorb it afterwards to maintain mass). Oh, and before anyone worries that I was being reckless, I made sure to check that I wouldn't die before I tested anything.

On the note of stored goo, it seems like excess goo/matter is stored in the core, like fat in humans. I'm not sure what or if there's a limit or what happens if I try to eat too much, but as far as I've gotten for now, it seems to be fine. I have noticed that I actually seem lighter now, I still seem to weigh about as much as I look like I should (maybe slightly over) and as such it changes if I make myself grow bigger, but not really if I eat things. I'm not entirely sure quite what's going on there, as that seems like some physics defying shit, but it's actually super useful, means I can store as much mass as I'd like and not break the sofa when I sit down. 

So asides from all of those experiences and changes, I've found a couple other things that have sprung up from these changes. Firstly, I've found that my body feels much more coherent, I'm very much now one gelatinous entity, rather than bits of one and bits of another. Movement feels much more fluid now, especially outside of a humanoid form (not that I've gotten worse at being humanoid, just better at everything else) and I honestly find myself kind of hot swapping between slime ball and slime girl as I need/feel like it. Also navigating crowds is super easy now, just kinda slipping and moving between any gaps (I could kinda do this before, but again, now it feels so second nature). On top of this, my multitasking seems to have improved. I still can’t say one thing while writing another, but I've gotten better at physical multitasking; I struggle less coordinating my ‘hands’ when I try playing the piano for example (I still can't play it, but I've got more of the coordination for it). Add in that I can very easily have several limbs/pseudopods/whatever you want to call them at once (which is honestly why I think my multitasking has improved, it's to facilitate control of the numerous structures I can now produce) and it’s become very easy to manage multiple, physical, tasks at once. 

One thing I have noticed myself doing, almost subconsciously (and honestly, this might've started a little before now, but I'll talk about it here, since I've really noticed it now), I'll just adjust my body however I need in the moment. Now, this may sound kind of obvious, but it's a little funky (but mostly neat) to just suddenly grow an extra limb, or pseudopod to hold or grab something quickly, or to just adjust my mass to better balance or manage something. Again, very neat, but a little funky to realise when I didn't consciously think about it. 

Relatedly, shaping has become easier, not sure if that's due to practise, or having a more compatible neurological centre, but I seem to be able to shape myself quicker, and I seem to have gained a better memory for shape too, the latter is definitely due to recent changes, or at least, definitely due to the treatment.

I've  also still been working on my acid control, which feels like it's gotten easier, but again I can't say whether that's from practice or the recent changes, but I can at least somewhat reliably keep an area of my body acid free now for a bit.

Unrelated to the treatment, but I'm actually much shorter now, at least in my humanoid form, clocking in at around 4’4”(slime ball form has remained the same size, at around 30cm tall). I always liked the idea of being really small, and I can now, and it's not like it really offers any disadvantages, since I can just reach tendrils up to grab things from high up (with eyes/vision so I can see what I'm doing), plus it means I have more spare slime to spend on other, more fun things than just being tall. This all being said, the idea of using all my slime to become really big also has its appeals, but it's less practical for day to day life. 

To touch on one final thing, I definitely don't feel human anymore. I'm a slime, through and through, humanity is just a memory. I've mentioned before feeling more and more detached from humanity (if I ever felt truly attached) as this process has gone on, but now that I'm seemingly done, I don't feel human at all. Interestingly, I find this aspect has been remarkably similar to gender transition, with the feeling of being a guy slowly fading away until it seemed alien to think of myself as one, which kinda feels like where I'm at at the moment. I'll likely catch myself still including myself in humanity from time to time for a while, but I can safely say I'm a slime, and I am so happy I can now. So that’s what my life has been for the last couple of months, and while parts sucked - like, really sucked - the end result is so unbelievably worth it. While this feels like the end of slime hrt, I do have an appointment planned with the doc to talk about my next step and hopefully get myself onto shapeshifter hrt, so my next update will probably be about that. See y’all then!

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Tag list below cut (lmk if you want to be added)

@calliecwrites, @friedsputnik, @now-entering-the-goop-zone, @scrubbinn, @lilacinthefog

@mint-and-authoress, @losttodreams, @redroversendjayover, @ariathelamia, @kanithedemoncat

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for asking my mom to stop singing?

okay so a couple months back i (a uni student) moved out of my old apartment and back in with my parents while i try to find a new one. the only issue is, since i first moved away, my parents had moved into a smaller house than they had when me and my siblings were growing up. they now have their bedroom and my dad's study, but no additional bed or guest rooms. for this reason, i have been sleeping on their living room couch.

my mom also doesn't have a room of her own, so her laptop is also in the living room, as is mine. so basically the living room is our shared domain for the time we spend at home. i have class and friends to spend time with, so i'm away relatively frequently (though i'm on winter break now of course), while my mom is retired and is at home basically 95% of the time year-round.

me and my mom both listen to music a lot and our tastes do not overlap basically at all. i listen mostly to indie, folk, rock, the kind of stuff white queer kids love, while my mom's music is almost entirely soulful christian pop about big j and stuff.

up until recently, my mom didn't wear headphones. she'd play music directly from her laptop speakers. this obviously bothered me somewhat, but i hadn't said anything about it. recently (i.e. a couple weeks ago) i asked her if she'd consider starting to wear headphones, which she has for the most part, though sometimes she forgets. i just kinda let her do whatever if she does, i haven't mentioned it again since.

so that's the first time i asked my mom to be quieter, and i don't think i'm an asshole for that. my worry is about the second time. you see, over the last week, she's taken to singing along to her tunes. maybe she did that before and i just didn't notice over the actual song itself? anyway, i can definitely hear it now.

and of course it's not the best musical performance, it's a lady with little singing experience belting along to her favourite songs, but it's not really about the quality of the singing. i don't like the music she likes and would prefer not to listen to it, is all.

today, whilst she was singing, i gently asked her: "could you stop singing?" i didn't mean forever, just in that moment. i really tried to say it in a nice way, and i don't think i sounded particularly rude? it should be noted, though, that my parents do seem to think of me as some kind of sensitive sally intent on criticizing every little thing they do. that feeling does kind of go both ways, but i admit sometimes i can be harsh on my mom, because she can be overbearing and a bit neurotic, and i don't really get to have the space i wish i could, especially not now when i'm living with them.

anyway, so i ask: "could you stop singing?" and my mom says something like "okay- well, i would prefer not to." the way she said it really made it sound like i had hurt her feelings. so i said, "okay. that's alright. you can sing." she stopped singing and has been sort of running around for the last 10 minutes or so restlessly doing random things.

my parents are that kind of people who are really really deep in "politeness" and genuinely baffle me since i'm autistic (like, a couple of days ago we had some leftover cake, and my dad straight up forced me to take half of what was left over even though i said i didn't want it. i still don't really know why?) so i'm sure even though i said "okay, nevermind then," my mom didn't believe me.

while she was running around doing random things, i told her, "sorry if i hurt your feelings." and she said, "oh, it's nothing." i genuinely don't know if i'm in the wrong here. i feel like, on the one hand, this is a space we have to share, and i should have the right to ask her not to make noise (i always wear headphones and never sing along to music or vc with friends when my parents are around), but on the other hand, it's her house, and she should have the right to sing in it, right? i don't know.

TL;DR: i asked my mom to stop singing in the only space for our computers in the house and i'm pretty sure it upset her. AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[justanamesstuff]

I really want to start reading more fics here what/who do you recommend

Oh, this is going to be LONG haha...i don't usually do this because literally everyone here is amazing and this kinda stuff is very subjective. I'll tell you MY opinion and likes...someone can disagree and also I might forget someone (not on porpoise of course). Just to clarify :)))

Okay, recommendations:

First long fic I read here was 'Ruins' by @yourtouchismidas I still sometimes remember that time, how I waited for every single one of the chapters and all the feelings I went through its something tattooed on my heart <3

EVERYTHING and I literally mean everything @lottiecrabie writes is purely amazing. 'Pray for my soul' is something I adore with my entire heart (because I relate to it haha) and 'Galatea, take one' deserves to be in a museum...just to give you some examples.

If you're into George fics (reader x George Daniel) YOU HAVE TO READ 'I guess I’ll take this pain, instead of your name' @heyidkyay . She was also one of the first writers I found around the fandom so check the rest of the fics too but the George one has my entire heart!!

My bestie @thefrontofmymind is also one of my first findings, and I instantly fell in love with her writing. Absolutely ALL OF HER FICS are incredible!! She's a series called 'Might As Well' I'm absolutely obsessed with and wait (im)patiently for every upload haha

Recently I finished reading 'Nothing Revealed In A Common Crisis' written by @imagine-that-100 MASTERPIECE!! She also wrote 'Chicken Shop Date' with @alovesreading another first fic I read in one sitting haha

@beeninlovewithherforages is a very recent find (and amazing mutual)...check her blurbs that are mind-blowing but pleaseee 'your favorite girl' is everything you need in your life!!

Every single one of @toomuchracket 's works deserves all your time and attention (I still can't believe she's a mutual 🤭🤭)

If you're into OCs please check @because-she-goes matty x oc!nore those two are the definitely power couple!!

@abiiors the Queen of blurbs and killing my soul with 'haunt // bed' that one will be a forever favourite!!!

'I'll do anything you say (if you say it with your hands)' by @automaticllamacycle is simply perfection!! the rest of her work as well ♥♥

One of my first mutuals here @soil-just-needs-water-to-be writes the cutest and most amazing George x Matty fic so GO AND READ IT!!! Those two are going to melt my heart but they are everything <33

What can I tell you about my adorable @tillthelandslide ? One, she's the most amazing person I met...Two, amazing writing is short, i need better words really! She writes a series I love, adore, obsessed about, everything called 'Insufferable Arsehole' and all of her works are incredible!!

The Record shop by @uramilf 🙌🙌🙌 a forever favourite!!! and if you need Ross, George, even Matty too fics...she's your writer!

All of @healyswhore I love with my life...always warming my heart with her cuteness 💖

@heralldaylong days ago upload her first fic so go and suport because that's one of the BEST blurbs I've read in all my time here!!

My sweet @insidemymind19 all of her works...but check her instagram aus that are sooooo good! (send her ideas too haha)

@64yrsold another writer I admire here...I need to keep reading her new fic but I've only heard great words about it (and a lot of feelings haha)

@sheswayyout milk is a must read!!!

'Then Because She Goes' by @3terna15unshin3 i haven't read it yet...but it's in my list, because that fics looks so promising!!!

@definedbydaylight has an instagram au fic and a series both Matty x reader *chef's kiss*

All of @the1975attheirverybest fics gave me A LOT of support and reassurance during hard times...and also, not reading related but she created an amazing place to chat here (fuck u to all of the haters) so if you need/want a place to chat about other stuff definitely go there!!

'Does she take care of you or could I easily fill her shoes?' by @dontfall-inlove-withthe-moment pain...but amazing perfection!!

'Petrichor' by the amaaaazing @cryley is on my list too...one of the sweetes mutuals here so absolutely rec!

@cowboylor works are another must...I can't write my thoughts about them because not appropriated but 🥵🥵🥵 I still think about a pair of them constantly haha

I feel im repeating words, but trully EVEEEEERYTHING @justlikemebutsixfootthree wrote its something you NEED you MUST read!!

Andddd I will end with a last recommendation, with one writer I admire with all my heart and fell in love with 'love it if we made it' universe since the first time my eyes read all the beautiful parts she wrote...so read @imightgetbetter works, i beg you!!!!

Hope this helps haha...If i remember any other fic/writer I'll add it to this. To anyone that I forget to add know that the only reason behind is my bad slept mind not remembering names and stuff 😅😅 I repeat anon, the writing level this fandom has is absolutely magnificent so any work you find would be a great option to start reading :)))

[seaofreverie]

Sparkstember Day 5: Indiscreet (In The Future)

Unfortunately it would be a bit of a lie to say that I vibed with Indiscreet right away. Not to say that I didn't like it, but maybe my unprepared ears weren't ready for whatever this album is. It's a lot. And it's all amazing stuff!! Still, I guess it needed some getting used to before I could really GET IT too. Had to stick to the couple tracks that I gravitated towards first (and I REALLY liked those btw. A lot) before gathering up the courage to take another plunge into the whole thing. Probably a lot of that can be attributed to the fact that this was one of my very first Sparks albums: the 6th I listened to according to my notes... I know Indiscreet is a pretty big fan favourite and thankfully, for me it might just be the finest case of gradually enjoying an album more and more with each listen. And I must say I REALLY love it now. EVERY song here is amazing, no doubt about that now.

But returning to the start for a bit, I was ready to get into some more of that (glam) rock side of Sparks I already knew by then from the previous two albums, and I got a bit of that here... Not quite as much as I hoped perhaps, but that was just another fact of life to learn here: Sparks never stick to one thing for too long. And this is when I need to get into the beautiful mix of... everything that this album offers. Early 20th century big band and vaudeville next to rock and pop and even some slightly-punk-before-punk-was-even-a-thing-really, as I've seen In The Future be described as once (more or less)... And then within the tracks themselves, we'll have strings next to brass and horns next to electric guitars next to beepy synthesisers. And let's not forget the most important of them all: the whistle.

The best thing about it all though is that it does not feel jarring to have a mix of all these different things and jump from one to the other constantly. Or, at least, not TERRIBLY jarring. Jarring within reason? Jarring, but in a masterful and knowledgeable way that works in favor of the whole piece rather than against it? You name it.

I say this... quite often about Sparks and individual songs or albums of theirs but this time I mean it perhaps even moreso than ever, that this album is extremely unique and truly like nothing else I've ever heard or likely will ever hear. I'd say it poses a bit more of a challenge than some other Sparks releases but once you get through that initial bewilderment (if you DO encounter it. I'm sure many don't but many others also probably do just like I did), the reward is a really great and one of a kind musical experience.

Favourite songs (and other highlights):

Happy Hunting Ground: early fav that I don't really think about all that much anymore... (it's still a total banger though. And, not going to lie, seeing the live performance of this song from Dee Vee Dee renewed my love for it recently). I was REALLY into it in the beginning though. It aligning very well with my hopes for more energetic rock tracks must have been a big part of that

Get In The Swing: idk what to say about it but it's just SO GOOD! Type of song I hear before the album proper that convinces me that yes, this band here is truly something special, I need more of this

Pineapple: it fullfills every need! Most importantly the need for a very singable and delightful tune from the renowned songwriter Russell Mael. It's sure to lift my mood considerably every time I hear it

It Ain't 1918: I think if I had to cut down all of Indiscreet to one song that represents it best as a whole, I would go with this one (Get In The Swing would probably be my second choice)

The Lady Is Lingering

In The Future: DEFINITELY my favourite here, another candidate for one of the best Sparks songs overall, special shoutout to those short instrumental segments between parts of the verses, you know, with the synth line that slows down and then speeds up again?

Miss The Start, Miss The End

Profile: song so good and in line with the rest of Indiscreet that I find it hard to believe it's just a bonus track. Impressive falsetto moments, fun as heck piano lines, all of the songs here are very unique but this one is fun and catchy in an especially unique way, to me

[sasha199]

Gale/ Wyll drama pt. 5

Y’all…this game hits different when your Tav is a stand in for yourself.

My sister and I are playing a multiplayer as ourselves, as sisters. I was romancing/flirting with both Gale and Wyll. I made a move on Lae’zel too but THAT ended in tears. Sister is pulling both Astarion and Shadowheart.

(I’m Sasha, sister is Marlie.)

"Are your lips swollen?"

"Huh?"

"You heard me, what have you been doing?"

I look around, there's no one nearby but I lower my voice anyway, "Making out with Gale."

"WHAT? With Gale!?"

"Shhhhhhh!" 

Marlie looks genuinely shocked, but she does lower her voice, "I thought you and daddy’s boy were a thing now?"

"Well, we were...for a moment. But then Gale KISSED me. Like really kissed me, put his whole groin into it kissed me, and I've changed my mind."

"Ew. That's all it takes for you to switch sides?"

I roll my eyes at my sister, "Don't you judge me Miss Been-Getting-Laid-This-Whole-Time. Some of us have been on the struggle bus for a minute. Plus, it's not just about sex."

"Really, what's it about then?"

"Nothing, forget it." I'm already over this whole conversation and it's not making anything I know I need to do easier. Wyll had called me his sun just a couple hours ago and I was going to have to break his heart. 

"Calm down then, I know what it's about. Just cuz you can't say it. I know you're in LOVE with the magic man."

"Stop it."

"Well, you are. Aren't you?"

I say nothing. 

I've been thinking it for so long, but I have been so determined to never let those words cross my lips when it comes to Gale. I feel kind of frozen. I'm still a bit blindsided by the kiss, the intensity of it. When I remember the way Gale's hands felt on my body, they way our mouths moved in sync...I feel heat gathering in...places. 

"Incoming." Marlie whispers suddenly.

"Well met."

I snap my head around, "Oh, hey Wyll. Marlie and I were just-" but she's gone. I sigh, rouge shit. 

"If she was here I believe you, that's just her way. Have you given further thought to our plan of attack for Moonrise? If my father is there, he'll be held in the lower dungeons, perhaps away from the Tiefling prisoners. Did Minthara giver her consent to stay in camp?"

"Wha- Minthara? Oh, I haven't asked her yet. Regardless we'll probably go back to Last Light first. Re-stock and all that, um and Marlie wants to bring Astarion for some mysterious reason." I knew why she wanted to bring him, but it wasn't my place to tell anyone about his scars or the person who could potentially decode them for us. 

Wyll let out a chuckle, "Rouges. Those two are enigmas to me, but they do seem to make each other happy."

"Yeah." They're relationship was complicated, it had taken me a while to warm up to Astarion, but a recent conversation about his siblings, and the realities of what they must be facing with him missing had done a lot in regards to my empathy for him. "Anyway, I think I'm going to take Minthara to Last Light, she needs to get properly geared up but I can come back for you before we head to Moonrise."

"Very well." He takes my hand in his, he squeezes it tenderly, "Whatever you think is best."

"We'll get your father back."

"We will." He smiles at me and leans in to kiss my cheek. I let him and squeeze his hand back before he walks away from me. 

"I am literally the worst person, ever." I mutter to myself. 

Minthara is meditating at her tent as I approach. It was my decision to leave her alive at the goblin camp, and likewise I helmed the rescue mission for her. I wasn't the smoothest talker but Marlie definitely did not trust the drow woman, which I understood, so she left the responsibility of Minthara to me. It had never felt right leaving her in the Absolute's clutches, even though I knew that if roles were reversed Minthara wouldn't waste time or resources to rescue us. But she'd thanked me for saving her and seemed determined to do her part to win against Ketheric Thorm, which was enough for me.  She opens her eyes as I approach, they're bright red, almost the same color as Astarion's. "You wish to consult me?" she says matter of factly. 

"Yeah, Minthara hey. We're going to Last Light to get some gear. You need a sword and armor and stuff."

She quirks a white eyebrow at me, " 'And stuff,' by that I hope you mean a useful weapon to bring down the Cult of the Absolute."

"I do."

"Very well then."

I hesitate before turning away, "Hey, you have pretty good insight right? Can I ask you about your thoughts on our companions?" 

She considers for a moment, "A disparate collection of vagabonds and strays." Her tone is direct and no-nonsense. "Anyone particular in mind?" 

"Um...have you spent much time with, uh, Gale?" Wow her gaze is intense, maybe it's the red eyes or that unyeilding stare but I'm having a hard time maintaining prolonged direct eye contact with her. 

"The wizard? No."

There's a silence that stretches after. 

"Don't you like wizards?" Why does my voice sound so small and high pitched?

"They're mastery of the Weave is commendable, but they are awful conversationalists."

"Really? Spoken with a lot of wizards, have you."

"No."

More silence, then I think she picks up the hint that I'm expecting her to elaborate so she continues, "In my experience, they do not usually live long enough to make the effort of befriending them worth-while."

I close my mouth, how long has it been open?

"Either the enemy recognizes they are a threat, and kills them swiftly, or their curiosity leads them to combust while experimenting with the limits of magic." 

I begin to say something, think better of it and shrug. Where's the lie?

"Our wizard is already in a state of suspended combustion thanks to that orb between his ribs."

I raise my eyes to the sky, to the shadows that hover there blocking out the sun. 

Fuck that fucking orb. Fuck Mystra, and Elminster, and Gale. Sweet, depressing, romantic Gale. Who's kisses make my toes curl, who's smile melts my heart, who begged me so sweetly to choose him.  

I look back to Minthara, there's a small look of concern around her eyes. "You're more right than you know." I say.

"I suspect it's only a matter of time before he goes up in smoke."

I sigh. "Not while I'm around." I'm impressed at how confident I sound. 

"In any case," she adds "I will reserve my social graces for those who might live long enough to appreciate them."

"Like me." I give her a sarcastic smile. 

"That remains to be seen," she slings what gear she has over her shoulder, "but I owe you my life and my freedom. Without you I would still be a slave to the Absolute. I know your sister had no such qualms about leaving me to my fate."

"Yeah, she thinks I'm too nice." I walk with her towards the camp exit.

"I would have called it weakness, or written you off as pathetic."

"Minthara..."

"But as I said I am here because of you, so much remains to be seen."

I look at her out of the corner of my eye as we make our way to Last Light, I like this woman. People could say what they wanted about how soft I was, but sometimes I was right. 

Marlie and Astarion rise up from the shadows and fall to either side of us. 

Rouge shit. 

[kanmom51]

Hi. Recently discovered your blog.I am having fun reading it.. You nice keep going 💜

I was just listening to Letter and thinking how fast we moved on from it.

The ending lines from the song literally broke my heart into pieces

🎶because we don't know what days await us,

though it's scary , though we're afraid Never forget that we are together🎶

the way these lines always makes me wanna cry . They are literally sharing with us that they are afraid of what comes ahead in future for them as a couple. The kind of society they are living in. We sometimes tend to forget the kind of fear Jimin and Jungkook must be living with. It must be so hard on them it breaks my heart.

But I know they both are strong and together they are stronger and i want them to know that we jikookers will be there to support them and we all together will be the strongest.

also Jimin wrote this song for Jungkook and no one can change my mind. When Jimin wrote this song Jungkook was on his mind, when Jimin released it as a hidden track Jungkook was on his mind and while Jimin was saying this is a fan song.. Mr.Jungkook was on his mind.

Letter for me stands right next to GCF at Tokyo.

Letter. Omg, I love that song. Can I just sit there and listen to it on repeat? Although not a very good idea, cause I just wouldn't stop crying.

Those lines at the end, JK joining in, confirming their together, so so beautiful and emotional, and definitely not for Army.

It's not only their own society they fear @youaremyparkfilter.

They know the fandom. They know the good, the bad and the extremely ugly of it. They know that coming out as queer individually will be a big issue for many fans, even more so for JK's stans (it is what it is).

But coming out as a queer couple, that will be a massive earthquake in the fandom. And again, nothing to do with how it will be accepted or rejected in Korea.

In Korea both JM and JK are loved, adored (yes there are haters, but there always are, you just cannot be loved by everyone). People that lifted them to where they are, Princes of Busan, the black and white couple, the sun and moon couple, people that see them as a representation of SK in the world and say it out loud, how loved they are, how proud they are of them.

In saying that, I think that a big lump of those don't actually see them as a queer couple, they just can't envision it, as queer is such an alien notion to them. Even with all their shenanigans. That's the whole glass closet and stretching boundaries within their reality as Kpop idols. Many people, in Korea and out, even if they acknowledge their closeness, do not or will not see beyond it into maybe, just maybe, them being a queer couple.

If they ever do 'come out', there will be those in Korea that do flip flop on them (and I'm not talking about the ones that throw hate at them already), although I personally think not as many as feared. They have been loved for such a long time, it will be harder to turn around and suddenly hate on them (although sometimes the line between love and hate is very thin). Not to mention how hard it will be for people, officials as well, to flip back on calling them the face of Korea, pride of Korea etc.

Make no mistake though, there will be a lot of hate (and it will be very loud, as we all know very well), and their families would receive a big chunk of it (easier/softer targets because of who and what JM and JK and BTS represent).

I think many would take pause, they would perhaps be initially shocked (some not so much, more like a eureka moment for them, like "oh, that explains everything..."), but at the end of the day the blow to their careers won't be the level of Holland's. Because of who they are, because of others that are paving the way (including Holland), because let's be honest here, they are artists and want to continue creating and performing and succeeding, but even if they take a hit their fandom is so friggin huge that whatever happens they will continue to succeed, and I do believe they will gain fans too because of that brave move, because of people realizing just how much their art is representative of themselves. Not to mention the level of impact it will have in Korea for recognition and acceptance of the LGBTQ+ community. In a society like Korea you have the very loud anti LGBTQ+ religious groups, you have those with the old fashioned backwards way of thinking, you have those that don't think or care either way (as long as it doesn't concern them) and you have those that are part of the LGBTQ+ community or support it and their fight for equal rights and protection by law. On that spectrum I believe you will find that a big piece of society can be swayed. And people like that who will see these two young men who they have grown to love come out as queer, they can have a change of mind, a moment of enlightenment/ realization that perhaps love is love is love. Maybe that's me being over optimistic, but I really don't think so. Because that's how change is made. That is how change was made in the West.

But, there will always be a price, and all of this is purely speculation (no way of me knowing just how bad it could get for them). It's their lives, their safety, their careers on the line and they are the ones that are living this reality and having to hide who they are and who they love at the moment, and will be living this conundrum on a daily basis.

So to sum it up, I believe there will be a hit but not a crushing one to their careers if they ever do decide to take that step. I'm not expecting it of them though. I know it will be a huge step forward for the LGBTQ+ community in SK if they do, but it's their lives, their careers, their loved ones, their decision.

It's a bloody scary thing to do, and it impacts not only them but also their families, their loved ones, their bandmates. This is a decision they will have to make together, and they will most likely make some sort of decision post MS. One way or another, I think things will change post MS. Contracts will change too. Just how much it will change, that is the million dollar question.

God, did I digress....

After saying all of that, I do want to back pedal a bit to your ask and to those specific lines in Letter.

I think they engulf not only the fear of being a queer couple in an unfriendly society, but also the upcoming uncertain future of military service, being apart for such a long time after being together for what seems like forever, not being able to be there for each other in this oh so scary new reality of military service that is looming over them. The uncertainty of this time to come and what lies ahead. All of that is engulfed into those lines of the song.

Anyway, the song is beautiful.

The song is a love song. And we aren't the recipients of said letter, said love song.

Letter is a song for JK disguised as a song for army.

Letter is addressed to JK, for army to hear.

[verysium]

what do you read in your spare time? you’re one of the most eloquent users i know, id love to hear how you find the media you consume and what your favorites are

omg ei 😊 welcome back to the inbox! thank you for your sweet words although i'm probably not qualified enough to be considered the full definition of eloquent. i am going to preface this post by saying that i definitely don't read as much as i should, so this list is not going to be comprehensive whatsoever. the last time i even visited an in-person library was like half a decade ago, and since then my spare time has been nonexistent lmao. anyways, here are some of my favorite/most recent reads as listed by author:

POETRY

richard siken: i think siken is already well-known both in the literary world and in whatever booktok deems is popular culture. if you don't already know him though, he is best known for his poetry collection crush, which delves into themes of obsession, gay love, and violent eroticism. i actually read this chapbook unknowingly. as in i was hounding sketchy pdf download sites at 3 AM and saw a man with bloodied lips on the cover and decided to read it. he basically became my summer fever dream after that. the way he juxtaposes images is seamless, smoother than water. only richard siken can talk about violence without making it sound violent. i also enjoyed his other poetry collection war of the foxes, especially "portrait of fryderyk in shifting light." i think light is a common motif throughout most of his poems, and he manipulates it effortlessly. the most recent piece i read from him is "piano lesson." i have nothing left to say that he didn't already say, so i would just recommend reading it for yourself. he is the og big brain when it comes to word play.

ocean vuong: he's unforgettable, and i mean that literally because nobody forgets a person named ocean. time is a mother was exactly what the name suggests: an exploration of grief, loss, and the rewind of time after his mother's death. some of the poems are almost cinematic in quality. "künstlerroman" is my favorite because it feels exactly like watching a video tape in reverse. i think his most famous work is "someday i'll love ocean vuong." it was the first piece i ever read from him, and to this day, it remains my comfort poem.

silas denver melvin: i only recently discovered him through his chapbook grit. i think he's also on tumblr @/sweatermuppet. he writes a lot on the trans experience, and his work gives me a mix of southern gothic and country vibes. would definitely read his other publications if i had the time.

chen chen: one thing about chen chen is that he always comes to devour. my favorite works from him are "self-portrait as so much potential" and "song of the anti-sisyphus." you have to put on your thinking cap for some of his poems, but once you grasp the meaning, everything makes sense all at once.

franny choi: "disaster means without a star" was the entire inspiration behind my first rin fic. i relate to her more personally in regards to the diaspora experience, but her collections are worth reading in general because of the sheer quality.

pages matam: his poem "piñata" was what got me into slam poetry. his work mostly consists of political commentary which i feel is particularly relevant in today's social climate. "on learning america's english" also resonates with people who have encountered the entire losing/learning immigrant tongues experience.

laura lamb brown-lavolie: i've only read one spoken word poem from her, and tbh i only needed to read one. "on this the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the titanic, we reconsider the buoyancy of the human heart" is my two-headed calf poem. one day i will get this tattooed.

brendan constantine: once again, this was the result of me being chronically online coupled with the boredom of an august heat wave. i found "the opposites game" through TED. honestly, i was a bit unsure about it at first, but it's a cute little poem that makes you really delve into the intricacies of craft.

TEEN POETRY & PROSE

yasmeen khan: she could mouth her words onto every square inch of my body, and i would still be coming back for more. ingraining them into flesh is not enough. "movie stars" is by far my favorite work from her. she writes about femininity and womanhood so profoundly. it's tragic, but really i wouldn't have it end any other way.

kaya dierks: her writing is basically middle-of-nowhere small town stoner teenage life but personified. "crushed" is my favorite piece from her. the soundtrack for this work was definitely by ethel cain, and you cannot convince me otherwise.

FICTION

madeline miller: i was first introduced to her when i read the song of achilles. let's just say that book had me nonverbal for the greater half of three months. it was my metaphorical hatchet. i buried it once, and i never want to dig it up again. i read circe a few years later. the first time was during the blue hour at an airport, right between one red-eye flight and another transfer. i don't even remember that experience because i was heavily sleep-deprived. i read it again recently for a literature course, this time for academic analysis. overall, i enjoy the the heroine-centric narrative. typically, i'm a bit wary of novels with heavy feminist themes because they either project their agenda too strongly or they run the risk of misrepresentation. circe doesn't exactly have that problem. it was more about empowerment and less about exercising power over others.

charlotte brontë: as a historical figure, brontë was questionable, but jane eyre most certainly was not. that book rewired my brain, and that is saying something because i have never read any classic by choice. and it is so important to me that jane was the ugliest, plainest girl you could ever imagine. also cus i unironically enjoy angst, and this book was full of dramatic misunderstandings.

yoko ogawa: i love japanese literature, so there is no reason not to include this one here. "a peddler of tears" is one of my favorite short stories. i did not expect the ending at all, but it was welcome. something about violence, body gore, and dismemberment being framed as romantic and semi-erotic just gets to me. sign me the hell up. hotel iris is a hit-or-miss with some people. either you like the fact that art makes you uncomfortable or you shut it down completely. for me, i was alright with exploring some of its darker themes, but read at your own discretion.

NONFICTION

ross gay: he lives up to his name both in optimism and in carefree joy. probably one of my favorite creative nonfiction authors simply based off the accessibility of his writing style. easy to read and understand but still hits you with the full force of a semi-truck. i would recommend his book inciting joy. it's a collection of essays that delve into grief, but since this is ross gay, he makes it seem like a quintessential part of life.

paul kalanithi: sixteen-year-old me was mind blown by him cus before that doctors were shrewish old men with bald spots and sterile coats, not poetic surgeons who dissected the anatomy of word and recited t.s. eliot in the most heart-wrenching way possible. he is everything i want to become in both life and death. when breath becomes air literally does take your breath away.

[sekhithefops]

Anyone who tells a queer person "Just Move to a Better State" doesn't get it.

So, as some of you know I've got an account on Bluesky, one of the social media websites that arose from the ashes after Elon Musk completely fucked up Twitter beyond how fucked it was even on it's worst day.

Recently I shared this article, hoping to spread some good news to my fellow members of the LGBTQA+ community:

And some smarmy jackass replied with this:

Yeah... anyone who says this is an asshole who doesn't get the realities of these situations.

I grew up in Kentucky. Yes, the state where Mitch "the Lich" McConnell was spawned (we're trying to get rid of him but that asshole hid his phylactery really good okay?) As some of you might guess, my own home state has issues with people who try to push these sorts of laws.

I've been told by others, in the past, to just move to a better state.

I tried it once infact, I moved from the Cincinnati Metropolitan Area (I lived right on the border between Ohio and Kentucky at the time) to another city where I was going to live with a gay couple I met online who were friends with my, at the time, partner.

... you probably see where this is going already, but I'll continue.

The city definitely had a good LGBTQA+ presence, but here's the thing. I stayed there only six months before all but fleeing back to Kentucky.

Why?

Several reasons.

NOBODY wanted to hire "the new kid in town." I had a horrible time finding a job that would satisfy my roommate. They knew I had only worked retail in the past and, at the time, had no college under my belt at all. I tried getting jobs in multiple places. I tried getting hired on as a 911 operator, at several higher end stores, and such. You know where I wound up working? A shitty little Circle K station. It was the ONLY place that would hire me and paid a pittance. I could barely help with bills at all.

My roommate was a judgemental asshole. To quote Sir Terry Pratchett, "Just because someone is part of a minority doesn't mean they can't also be a small minded prick." One of my roommates judged me for EVERYTHING. Nothing I did was good enough, and if he found out something he didn't like he would hang it over my head and never stop giving me shit for it. I hated it. I hated it within weeks of arriving but I didn't want to leave because that would be 'admitting defeat' or some bullshit (it was ten years ago, I forget exactly how I justified it.)

I had to give up all the friends and family I had in the move. The part of the country I moved to was a place that I had never been before. I had no friends there, I had no family there. All I had to rely on was my two roommates. One of them clearly didn't want an extra roommate but went along with it because his boyfriend wanted it (I feel bad for him these days,) the other one... see item 2. This also leads into item four...

Because I had no friends and family there, I had no safety net. Asshole roommate constantly reminded me if I didn't get a 'better job' (and good luck to me on that given the circumstances) I'd be out on my ass, in a totally unfamiliar city. I had no help there besides them and he knew it, and he held that over me every chance he got.

Finally, after six months, I managed to move back in with my mother in Kentucky. This story does have a happy ending though. I wound up splitting up with my at the time partner (who in hindsight really wasn't a good match for me, though I hear they're doing much better these days,) and it was the wake up call I needed to get some college education. That didn't go great, but having even partial college on a resume helped me get a job that was far FAR better than retail work which I've held for over five years now.

I realized too that while Kentucky isn't great on progressiveness as a whole... the part of the state I'm from actually is. We're part of the Cincinnati Metropolitan Area (which basically means "if it wasn't for state lines we'd just be part of Cincinnati") and there's actually a really big LGBTQA+ community around here. These days I see Pride bumper stickers everywhere, and there's several houses nearby with Pride flags as well.

In Kentucky. Yes, that Kentucky.

But my point is... even assuming a person CAN move, it doesn't mean that it'll fix everything. In my case those six months were absolutely hellish despite living with a queer couple in a major city. My life only improved AFTER I moved back to Deep-in-the-Red-State Kentucky. Because the part I'm in has a good community, I have friends and family who support me, I have a good job here, and I have a good life here in spite of what some idiot in the state capitol is up to.

In closing, I have this to say: If you hear someone talking about queer issues in their home state and your first instinct is to tell them to just move to California or New York or some other state... just shut the hell up.