#i'm also very gay for ellie

[galadrail]

[noknowshame]

I finished reading The Rules of Attraction so here are the worst two brothers in non-existence (as described in the books). they fucking hate each other <3

[hypnagogics]

how soon is now? | part two

READ THIS FIRST 🇵🇸

previous chapter. series masterlist.

♡: hallway crush!ellie x uni student!reader

☆: the long-awaited second part of this godforsaken fic (lawd she’s given me trouble). appreciate y'all's patience as always, i'm a chronic procrastinator and perfectionist but what can i do. after this, i'm gonna take a break from this series. not saying i'll never write more, but wanna work on some other stuff for a while. thank you for reading! pretty please don’t hate me or show up at my house waving torches and pitchforks for this ending ok luv u gays in my phone. + a big thank you to @total-dxmure for helping me w/ some ideas for the last little bit!

♧:5.7k word count (lawd)

◇: sfw! miscommunication (sawry). fluffy moments, angst lowkey…both of yall cry at one point or another, reader has anxiety in the last chunk. modern au but joel isn’t alive in this, and they discuss it. maybe some rushed points here and there, i’m not really the proudest of this but needed to finish it anyway. potentially horrendous pacing but ok i think that’s all? idfk i may give y’all a little epilogue eventually, but don't dwell on it for the time being!

4 months later 

Your friendship with Ellie was evolving wonderfully. You two were studying together frequently, and both your grades in the ghastly astrophysics class increased exponentially. Although that wasn't the only thing that was increasing at a rate too fast to fathom. Your crush on her. It was ripping you apart like wildfire, Ellie was proving herself to be such a wonderful person inside and out, and you were slowly but surely nearing your limit of how much it could build before you burst. A movie spin off of the Savage Starlight series had come to streaming, and Ellie had invited you to her place for a movie night so you two could watch it and discuss if it was a faithful entry in your beloved series or not. 

Dressed in some comfortable pjs and armed with snacks of all kinds, your favorites as well as hers, the time had come and you were at her door. You straighten your posture and put your hair back in place, must look presentable, then knock, knock, knock.

You could hear some faint shuffling behind the door, then a few thudding steps until she opened it for you. She was dressed in an old, worn Nirvana tee, and red checkered pajama pants, damn she looked good, even when she was dressed with less effort than usual. 

Ellie looked so pleased to see you, leaning on the doorframe. Why did she have to look so good all the time? “Hi! I’m so glad you came, ooh this is gonna be so fun.” She invited you in and took the snacks from your arms and placed them inside her room. “Oh yeah, I also put up some decor too so we can get into the Savage Starlight spirit.” Her eyes were wide and twinkling and when she stepped aside to let you see, she really had made her room so welcoming and comfortable.  

The lights were all off save for LEDs around the room’s perimeter set to a dreamy violet hue, sparkly fairy lights draped around the frame of her bed which was set up so cozily. Her laptop propped up on a pillow, the sheets arranged in a nest-like formation with two spaces for each of you. She even had a few dinosaur stuffed animals placed in a row so they could watch too.

You were so flattered she'd do that and make the atmosphere so nice for the two of you, you could just tackle her in a hug and never let go.

The thing is you were scared she'd perceive that as weird and you didn't feel like dying of embarrassment, not today at the very least. Save that for another day, maybe. Oh, how you wanted to squeeze her so bad. Your imagination had to do for now. 

She was standing there so proud of how she arranged her room into a mini theater, and you beamed at her, silently thanking her for making it so dim so she couldn't see your flustered expression in full.

“Ellie this is amazing!!” “You like it?!? These stupid lights kept on falling off but since this is an important occasion for us both I didn't give up. All for our love, Daniela.” She manipulated her voice and waved in the air with two fists, closed her eyes and put her hand over her heart, just being as dorky as ever.

Oh gosh, hopefully it wasn't going to be awkward. Sure, the two of you had grown to be great friends, but were you that close to be just, relaxing in her bed together? As long as your imagination didn't run too wild and you didn't overthink anything, it was going to be a fun time. Just two pals watching their favorite series, nothing more, nothing less.

She threw herself in the mess of comforters with a grunt, and saw you were hesitating. She patted the empty space next to her so you'd join her and the movie night could begin. “C’mere, don't be shy.” Well, no shit you were going to be shy. Suck it up. 

You crawled in next to her, unable to look her in the eyes, while she got everything ready and rubbed her hands together excitedly. “Man, if they do our girl dirty, we’re gonna have to give someone a knuckle sandwich, you with me?” Her jokes and easy going vibes always made her so fun to be around, but unfortunately for you, you fell harder for her every time. “Yeah, Ellie. A knuckle sandwich for all of them.” You retorted with a chuckle. Once both of you were settled, she pressed play and so it began.

As the movie played, the two of you laughed and debated every plot twist, cursing the directors for not portraying your queen Daniela how she deserves, and snacked on candy until your stomachs hurt. It was going so well, the friendly hang out both of you needed after so many responsibilities in life. An escape. Occasionally sneaking peeks Ellie’s way, she was just so marvelously pretty. The shadows dancing on her features, illuminating her side profile perfectly, her long eyelashes and button nose, who wouldn't get lost in admiring her?

Of course you could never fully relax around her, or forget the crush no matter how hard you tried to push it down and just be friends. Every time she shifted next to you in the bed you felt your heart seize and the butterflies in your stomach turn into hornets. At this rate, they were going to turn into whole birds for fuck’s sake.

Nearing the end of the movie, the two of you were so invested, so captivated in the events, totally spellbound.

But then the film took a more emotional turn that wasn't in the comics. Daniela and her father had an absolutely vicious argument which left the two of you speechless watching it, which luckily got quickly resolved right after the two characters had a near-death experience together.

You weren't one to get emotional over silly, trivial things like fiction, but the way they showed this entire sequence was nothing short of heart-wrenching. You snatched up one of Ellie's patterned pillows and hugged it tightly to your chest, because cuddling her would have been much too bold for the likes of you. But what you’d give to do that instead.

Seems you were not the only one touched by the scene, as you began to hear some light sniffling from next to you. Looking over at Ellie made your heart break further into a million pieces. She looked lost in thought with thin lines of tears streaming down her plump, freckled cheeks. 

You froze for a moment, not knowing the limits of your relationship with her and how you could comfort her best. So you cleared your throat and mumbled, “That was so sad…” You watched as she avoided your gaze and wiped at her face with the collar of her t-shirt, “Yeah, this kind of stuff hits me, feels a little personal y’know.” She has never opened up to you about her struggles before, in the short time you’ve known and gotten close with Ellie, it always seemed like she was there to help you out, not the other way around. This could be your chance to show her that you are there for her as well, and that she can always count on you.

Being curious but at the same time not wishing to pry too much into her private affairs, you quietly asked with the most gentle tone of voice you could muster,” You don’t have to, but I’m here if you ever wanna talk about it, Ellie.” You watched her out of the corner of your eye, anticipating however she reacts.

She stayed quiet for a beat before sighing deeply, and whispered, “We were having a fun time, I really don't wanna be a burden.” Her voice quivered, heavy with emotion, what could possibly be troubling her this much? You wanted to take all her pain and bear it yourself, she didn't deserve any sort of misfortune ever.

“You can tell me, don’t worry about anything, okay? I just want you to be all good.” You were comforting her so smoothly, putting her needs and well-being first as if it was always second nature, as if you two have known each other many lifetimes over, two souls meant to float together through the journey of life. Well okay, that was probably a bit much.

There were a few more seconds of silence as you let the question ring in the air, not wanting to press and jeopardize your cherished friendship with her. 

You continue observing her, almost seeing the gears turning in her mind, the scales of reason tipping to one side then another, as she contemplates whether it’s worth spilling. Eventually, she does.

She roughly rubs her face then pauses the film playing on her laptop, sighs and huffs, before beginning to speak her story, all while looking away from you.

“Okay I don’t like to talk about this kind of stuff, but I trust you. A whole lot.” Your heart fluttered and face heated up at her comment, but you ignored it because there was something much more important on the table now. She continues, speaking quietly but quickly to get it over with. 

“So, when I was a kid, I was an orphan and to be honest I don’t really remember my early childhood much at all, but when I was 14 my adoptive dad, Joel, took me in. And it’s been just us since then.” She stops to take a breath, then resumes reluctantly. “And well, we’ve had a pretty rocky relationship for a good chunk of these years, I never knew how to express my gratitude to him, y’know, for basically saving my life, numerous times at that. He was always my rock, and I appreciate him every day. He taught me so many things, and I don’t know what I would’ve done if he hadn’t come around. I was pretty hard to deal with back then.” She reminisces with an exhale of air, and you see her eyes refill with tears. “But I’m really bad at expressing that, and will kinda, lash out I guess when I’m met with kindness or tricky situations.” 

You nod, listening patiently, and place your hand on her shoulder ever so gently, as a result making her raise her head to give you a small smile. 

Ellie chuckled deeply, it almost sounded forced, then started to slowly wrap up her story. “And it seems that scene kinda hit me, because the wounds are still raw, or whatever.” 

She sniffles again but doesn't respond, so you delicately inquire, “What do you mean?”

“He died last year.” Oof.

“Oh my, Ellie, I’m so sorry, are you-” She interrupts your condolences. “No need for that, I’m fine. Well, taking it day by day y’know. In the beginning it was really tough, I was angry at everything but most at myself for being such a jerk, and now I can't turn back time and tell him all I wanted to.” While you take a moment to think about what to say, she hums to herself and remarks, “That actually felt good to get off my chest, I haven't told anyone about it.” She lowers her voice so it’s barely a whisper. “Didn't have who to tell.”

“Sure you're okay? I'm always here for you.” You find your voice back to soothe her some more, to which she smiles at you again, only this time it actually seems genuine. There's definitely a lot of pain behind it, but the relief that she doesn't have to deal with the burden alone was evident on her face. 

“Yeah, thanks. I guess I hadn’t processed anything, and that part of the movie made it all come out, damn I hate emotions sometimes. But I appreciate you being here for me. You're really easy to talk to, and I feel better now.” 

And you would've never in a trillion years anticipated what her next move was going to be, you were so caught off guard, the realization lagged and it didn't immediately register. 

She moved to sit on her knees in front of you, then threw her arms around your torso in a tight embrace. She hugged you. Clutched you so firmly against her own body, her strong hands landing in the middle of your back, where she rubbed in a circle. She smelled so nice, and was as warm as one of her heated stuffed animals. 

Due to the surprising nature of the motion you let out a dumbfounded gasp, then returned the hug allowing yourself to rest your head on her shoulder. You wanted to stay like this forever, until the end of time, it felt nicer than you could've ever imagined.

The thought crossed your mind that she could feel the buzz pulsating through your body, you swore your heart was slamming against your ribcage so hard it was going to grow wings and simply fly right out of your chest, and join hands with hers.

While you were occupied with the way she felt against you, so close like this, chest against chest, and how your cheeks blazed with an inferno hotter than a thousand suns, you heard her grumble against your ear. “Not gonna make that same mistake again, and from now on, I'm gonna tell the people I appreciate just how much they matter to me.”

You were much too stunned to speak, but she wasn't. “So thank you again.” She finishes her little speech and pulls away first, but not before giving you one last big squeeze and letting out a noise of contentment as she does so, then shuffles over to her previous spot in the bed. 

Not taking notice of the way you were at a loss for words, or about to set the room on fire with how flustered her actions made you. Her obliviousness was a common theme, it seemed. She clears her throat and claps, grabbing some more candy for herself, then says happily, “We still got the rest of the movie left, then we can do whatever after. I really wanna know how this ends.”

Naturally, your head is spinning, but you were too caught up in your thoughts to continue paying attention to the movie as much as you were before.

You felt awful for her, yet somehow, felt as if your crush on her had quadrupled in size yet again. You saw through the guard she put up, she broke down those walls and opened up to you. You were honored she trusted you so much, and only hoped that would never change. That, coupled with how remarkably good hugs she gave, has led you to the realization that you were properly in love now, things had gotten real. This was trouble. You vowed to always be there for her for whatever she could ever need, you'd drop everything to teleport by her side if you could. 

Goodness, what were you possibly going to do now, instead of giving you the ick, or helping you with the task of getting rid of that stupid infatuation you were so plagued by, every experience felt like a deliberate ploy to just make you fall even further for her. You couldn't help but wonder just how much love a person can feel for someone, because it only continued to grow. 

A couple days later.

Sitting in the cozy campus cafe, you were revising all your coursework. It was giving you a massive headache, but the warm and hazy lighting aided it a touch. The walls had cute plastic vines crawling up and down, and even though there was chatter all around you from the other patrons, it wasn't a distraction and in fact acted as some sort of white noise, everyone was talking in a nicely muted tone, it all blended to create the perfect ambience. 

You waved down the waitress to get yet another cup of coffee, your third one of the night, that’s healthy, before trying to resume with your aggravating studies. 

To your dismay, you've used up all your brain power for the evening, and could not force yourself to continue no matter how hard you tried. Maybe a few moments of peaceful people-watching would get you back on track?

You sip on the hot drink, then lean back against the comfortable booth seat to begin scanning around.

In one corner directly on the opposite side of where you were sitting, there was an elderly couple. They looked so in love, dressed in matching outfits, feeding each other as they shared a dessert, holding hands and conversing with a hushed tone, nodding and looking into each other's twinkling eyes. So cute, you hoped that was going to be you in the future. 

Moving your line of sight to watch beside the couple, there was another student, their books and computer were scattered across the wooden table, piles of pens and pencil cases near falling over. They seemed to have fallen asleep, unmoving with their head laid tiredly across their crossed arms. The sight made you chuckle out of familiarity, you really felt for them, studies were hard. 

But then a sound caught your attention. A bright, husky giggle fought its way over the ambience, reminiscent of a certain someone. 

Your heart jumped, your ears perked up and you immediately became insistent on scouting her out among the patrons, this was a necessary mission. 

Feeling highly nervous and antsy, you try to drown out the noise and focus on where she could be, and quickly enough, you find her.

Ellie in her natural habitat, she was so mesmerizing. Sitting far away from you where you could get a good view and hear snippets of conversation if you focused hard enough, but not close enough where she would notice your shameless gawking. She was sitting with a group of a handful of her friends, who all appeared to be gossiping and laughing with each other, you couldn't tear your eyes away.

Her smile was gorgeous, and you knew that, but there was something about just being a spectator which fascinated you, you could stare at her all day. Her energy lit up the entire room, and made your heart race.

Snapping out of your trance and trying to not be so obvious with your staring, you tried to look occupied, tried reorganizing your notes while still keeping an ear out to listen. Occasionally glancing over as  well. Yes, it's true that eavesdropping is wrong, but you couldn't help yourself. Anyone would do the same, right?

The group's passionate discussion was making you extremely curious however, and you strained to hear what they were talking about. Among the muffled chatter, you heard a woman’s voice say the word crush, then an outburst of laughter, the loudest guffaw from Ellie herself. 

You felt the budding panic start to form in your chest momentarily, but swallowed the lump forming in your throat and took a sharp intake of breath to calm yourself at once. They could be talking about anything, there's no need to jump to conclusions just yet. Fumbling around your bag for your headphones to listen to some of the song recommendations Ellie had given you, you’re led to discover that they are, in fact, dead. Of course. 

Despite any and all wishes to stop eavesdropping on them and mind your own business and abide by what they say, ignorance is bliss, you simply couldn't. She was too damn captivating. Like a painting in a museum, like a statue at a town’s center, one that people stopped in their tracks to admire. 

The way her eyes sparkled and gleamed under the warm lighting, her cheeks tinted a faint rosy hue from the exertion of laughing so hard, her sweet smile. She was too perfect. God, you hated crushes, being infatuated with someone to this degree couldn't be healthy. But what could you do? Just look at this angel.

Fidgeting nervously while still being entranced by the group of friends, you heard a man’s voice say the words “there’s no way”, followed by Ellie howling even harder than she had the whole time you've been watching them, and punch him forcefully on the shoulder. 

The curiosity was going to swallow you whole, it was like a car crash you couldn't look away from. You felt your palms begin to tremble and sweat with worry, and anxious assumptions of all kinds running through your mind, were they talking about you? No, they couldn't be, you're just overthinking it. Relax, relax, relax.

You tried your hardest to control your breathing and soothe your spinning mind so you wouldn't spiral, until you heard something that absolutely shook you to your core.

The same woman from before, not Ellie, in a highly teasing tone of voice said your name.

You felt frozen, this couldn't be happening. All your worst fears were coming true at this very moment. You had to get out of there right away, this was too much to bear. Curiosity really did kill the cat didn't it, you wished you didn't comply with the morbid desire to know everything. 

Panic-stricken like a deer in headlights, near hyperventilating at this point, the final straw was all three of them erupting into laughter simultaneously, with Ellie through gasps, going "oh come onnnn”.

Yeah that was it. Hot tears started pricking your eyes and you vigorously blinked them away before they started streaming down your face, as if you needed to be humiliated even more. You felt sadded, torn apart, betrayed. Sick to your stomach too. This time, for once, you really thought you had something going for you. From your perspective, albeit through rose-colored glasses, you were convinced she was being genuine with you all this time. How could you not be? 

The late night study sessions, the air thick with tension, the conversations draped in a sleep-deprived haze, the walks to class together, the first fated interaction, the looks you two shared from across the huge lecture hall; the looks where you two just knew when to share a glance, was all of that fake? Was she leading you on purposefully because her friends thought it was funny, that you were a joke?

The tears threatened to spill and your stomach twisted painfully with the world-shattering realizations you were just served with, and you angrily shoved your belongings in your bag.

You were too caught up in your panicked frenzy to notice how disruptive you were actually being, your textbooks thumping and keychains jingling, but frankly didn't care enough to meet the numerous pairs of eyes observing your misfortune. Who could blame you, your whole world and everything you've known just crumbled before you. 

You slung your bag over your shoulder noisily as a choked sob made its way up your throat, then speed-walked out of that cafe. You were never going to be able to go in there again unfortunately, shame, their pastries were so good.

Right as you tried to step through the door it got stuck, because the universe was being really nice to you today, and as you tugged on it to get it to open, you heard the friends lower their voices, but you could still make out a jumble of hushed words sounding something like, “oh no, is that…” Great, great, fucking great. The only solution to this was to change your name and ride up to Seattle for goodness’ sake, maybe throw yourself into a volcano as well just because. 

Finally the door swung open after what felt like eons, and you stumbled outside into the chilly autumn air, feeling goosebumps spring up all over. Where you were going, you didn't really know. This cafe was new, so it would take some time to figure out navigation so you stood dumbly in the middle of the front lawn as you tried to orient yourself.

Once you think you've got it, you start your agonizing trek back to your little room, screaming inside of your head, until you're harshly yanked back mid-footstep by a vice grip on your arm. What the fuck was it now. 

Ellie. The sight of her only made your tears increase in quantity and the emotion in your chest tighten. She looked a little disheveled, her eyes round like saucers, and she was gripping onto your arm so hard as if you were going to run away. You wanted to, but she still had a magnetic hold on you, even after all that turmoil. 

Talking was painful with how much you were trying to keep a hold of yourself, but you managed out a choked, “Ellie, what?” 

She looked befuddled, shaking her head ever so slightly and scrunching up her eyebrows, her gaze boring right into yours and following whenever you tried to break it and look elsewhere. Her hold on your arm softens, and moves to rest on your shoulder. “What do you mean what? You ran outta there like you were chased by a lunatic or something, what the fuck happened?”

Her tone startled you a little, why did she care so much? Noticing you jolt, she sighs and mellows her speech. “Sorry, what I mean to say is, I'm worried. Are you okay?” 

You worried her? Heat rushed to your cheeks as you fought to break the increasingly uncomfortable eye contact, and all you could do was shrug. Your lip started quivering and you were losing the fight of keeping your composure, how wonderful. Despite everything she was being so sweet, way too sweet. You felt helpless at this point. 

The words started pouring out of your mouth like a waterfall, you were properly sobbing now, falling apart and hiccuping as months and months of emotion spilled over. 

You were blabbering about how you loved the friendship you formed with her, but how hurt you felt that she’d laugh about you, every possible insecurity just tumbled out of your lips, as you wiped at your teary face and runny nose and glanced at Ellie ever so often. 

She let you talk for a bit until she saw you get even more upset, that's when she got a step closer to you, squeezed both your shoulders gently and kept a stern tone of voice to get your attention.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, slow down, I don't know what you're saying.” But you couldn't stop crying. Bottling up emotions was definitely a bad idea, because they were bound to burst sooner or later and unfortunately, you reached the breaking point. Sucking in some unsteady breaths as an attempt to regulate yourself, she was watching you patiently yet still cautiously. 

Your voice was weak and shaky, but you were slowly feeling a little better. For the first time during this interaction, you meet her eyes. Why was she always so pretty? She was sculpted just to spite you, you were convinced. Tears welled up in your eyes once more, but you blinked them away. “Um…Ellie…” She nodded expectantly, wanting to know what was wrong. But you could not complete your sentence as yet another bout of ache washed over you.

To snap you out of it once and for all, Ellie grabbed your face. The sheer disbelief of her action was enough to stop your tears luckily, and she held your gaze while she used her thumb to swipe at the stray teardrops adorning your cheekbones. You wanted to die, what was going on?

Once your panic was replaced with fluster and stupefaction, she let you go, but was still standing really close to you. You felt jittery from it all, nervous, embarrassed and in love and everything under the sun all at the same time. You stared at her, then looked away, then looked at her plump pink lips which were set in a questioning pout, then back up to her sympathetic greener-than-grass eyes, fuck, fuck, fuck. The intensity of the situation had caused any sense of judgment or critical thinking to long, long gone, and so your body moved on its own and before you had a chance to form a solid thought or process what you were doing.

Smooch.

You kissed her. 

Mouths colliding like magnets as you held onto the sides of her face, fireworks igniting in every single part of your body. Cradling her jaw as you closed the space between you two, the hurricane of emotion coursing through your veins as your lips caressed hers, and time felt like it had stopped. The months and months of excruciating pining had all led up to this very moment. 

She instinctively kissed you back, you felt her breaths fanning your face. You were about to ascend to another dimension. Lingering against her for a little longer, you forced yourself to regretfully pull away, and laughed loudly at her state now. 

Her lips were parted and she was gawking at you, you had broken her completely. Your own heart was working overtime, you were panting from the adrenaline of the situation, and could only hear the blood rushing in your ears. 

She seemed to be in a coma, doing nothing but staring and breathing. You punched her arm playfully, your voice breaking.

“I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU, YOU FUCKING IDIOT.” 

An frustrated confession tore itself from your throat, even the world's strongest iron bars couldn't contain it. You wiped at your face with your sleeves, a sad attempt to clear it of the residual salty tears that never once stopped their journey out of your eyes.

The sadness had left you, and you felt lighter now, truthfully. Had no idea how you would ever face her again after all this, but at least the cat was out of the bag and you had gotten that off of your chest. You both stood there in silence, now what was wrong with her? What a dork. Sucking on your teeth and kicking a pebble on the ground you admitted finally, “So, yeah. That's what's been troubling me, I guess.” 

Her pupils were dilated and huge, as she scanned all over your features, her mouth opening and closing as if she was having an internal battle of what to say. She stood there almost appearing miles more shocked than you somehow, she looked as if she was going to have a heart attack and die on you, you found it funny, but concerning at the same time. 

You watched her for a moment more, before accepting your disappointing fate and bidding her a goodbye. You cleared your throat. “Okay then. Cya in class. Bye.” You turned on your heel and began the walk back to your room, but this time for real, and didn't look back at her. Even if you wanted to, you couldn't, you wanted to leave this whole fiasco in the past. That chapter was closed, it seemed. 

The only thing left to do now was call your bestie, Abby. She has been your cheerleader through this whole thing, through all this time, gave you advice and brought you back to Earth, and you needed her support now more than ever. 

Right after you reached your dorm she was there in no time at all, after receiving your distress call she scrambled into action, with chocolates and boxed wine in hand. Maybe you should just date her instead at this point. Who else was left for you?

You talked and talked and talked to her about everything for so long, talking the night away just like old times, and she sat and listened to your every word, patted your back reassuringly as you weeped into her shoulder, then tucked you into bed at the end of it all. She left only when she was sure you'd relaxed fully.

You didn't fall asleep quite yet, and stayed awake thinking, pondering life and staring up at your ceiling. It turns out angrily confessing to the girl you've been infatuated with forever by impulsively kissing her and letting the whole campus know it was a tiring thing after all. You really did cause a bit of a scene, when you thought about it in hindsight.

But what was this all like from Ellie's perspective? You wished you could know what she thought, or at least gotten some sort of formal response. Her friend storms out of a cafe, kisses her and screams she's in love with her? It's certainly understandable she'd feel a little lost, or under great pressure to give you an answer. Her reaction did make sense though, after being met with such a shocking revelation. Wow, now that you were really thinking about it, she still did not know why you ran out of the cafe like that. You wished you could turn back time and redo this day, shame that wasn't possible. Were you two ever going to have a discussion about this, or had you just lost a friend for life. Oh no, you pushed that thought away as quickly as it appeared, you didn't have an ounce of energy left over to dwell on it.

You'd work out what you were going to face her next later, a very well-deserved visit to dreamland was way overdue. You felt your eyelids grow heavy and your breathing slow, so you turned on your side and snuggled into your bed, eventually falling into a deep, deep sleep.

Meanwhile on your bedside table:

Bzz, bzz, bzz. 

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[elliesappetite]

Doctor Williams is in the house (inspired by Grey's Anatomy) - Chapter One

FREE PALESTINE

Rating: 17+ (Age Gap - Ellie is 38, Reader is 28)

Summary: you slept with Ellie Williams after a night out. You're a surgical intern, what could possibly go wrong? (Doctor AU)

a/n: hello readers! I apologise for being AWOL and not continuing this series. I just haven't had energy to continue this series. But i'm back!!!

Tags: Angst, Angst with a happy ending, Fluff, Age Gap

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"Try again, fail again. Fail better." - Samuel Beckett

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You look around, "Only six women out of twenty."

"Yeah. I hear one of them is a model. Seriously, like that's going to help with the respect thing?"

The intern next to you who's tying her hair up out of the way.

"You're...Nora right?"

She nods.

"Which resident you assigned to? Mine's Miller."

Your eyebrows rise. "The Nazi? Me too."

Suddenly a male intern joins the conversation.  "You got the Nazi? So did I. At least we'll be tortured together, right? I'm Owen Moore, uh, we met at the mixer, you had a black dress with a slit up the side, strappy sandals..."

You and Nora exchange looks. "Now you think i'm gay..." "Uh-huh" Nora responds.

Owen clears his throat, as he stumbles over his words. "N-no! I'm not gay, it's...ah...it's just that, you know- you were- I mean- you were very, unforgettable..."

"L/N, Moore, Harris, Abel" A doctor calls out, interrupting the conversation.

"Miller?" You ask the doctor. "End of the hall." The doctor responds.

Suddenly a female doctor, Maria Miller

"That's the Nazi?" Owen comments.

The four of you stare at her before Nora pipes in "I thought the Nazi would be a guy."

"I thought the Nazi would be...the Nazi." You add on.

The fourth intern in the group continues. "Maybe it's professional jealousy. Maybe she's brilliant, and they call her Nazi because they're jealous. Maybe she's nice." Nora turns to her, looking her up and down, "Let me guess. You're the model."

The woman gives Nora a look and turns to Dr. Miller, smiling and extending a hand. "Hi, I'm Riley Abel-"

"I have five rules. Memorize them. Rule number one, don't bother sucking up, I already hate you, that's not gonna change." She indicates to stuff on the bench. "Trauma protocol, phone lists, pagers. Nurses will page you, you answer every page at a run. A run, that's rule number two. Your first shift starts now and lasts forty-eight hours. You're interns, grunts, nobodies, bottom of the surgical food chain, you run labs, write orders, work every second night till you drop and don't complain!" Maria opens the door to a room with a couple of bunk beds. "On call rooms. Attendings hog them, sleep when you can, where you can, which brings me to rule number three, if I'm sleeping, don't wake me, unless your patient is actually dying. Rule number four, the dying patient better not be dead when I get there, not only would you have killed someone, you would have also woke me for no good reason, we clear?"

You raise a hand.

"Yes."

"You said five rules. That was only four."

Suddenly Dr Miller's page beeps. "Rule number five. When I move, you move."

Dr Miller runs down the corridor, followed by you and the three other interns, as she yells at a few doctors blocking the hallway. "Get out of my way!"

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You stand in the hallway, holding the file for your patient, Katie, in your hands, when Dr Miller glances over at you from her office. Her brow furrows, but her voice is sharp, as always.

"Y/N, what is it?"

You glance at the paper in your hands again. "One of my patient's parents have some questions. Should I talk to them, or do I ask Dr Servopoulos?"

Dr. Miller's expression shifts, irritation flashing across her face. "Servopoulos? She's off the case." She shakes her head like she's correcting a student. "The patient belongs to the new attending now. Dr. William's over there," she says, jerking her chin in the direction of the hallway, where a figure stands just out of sight.

You can't see Dr. Williams, but you feel the weight of his presence, the new attending already establishing himself in a place you hadn't expected.

"Dr. Williams?" you repeat, trying to wrap your head around it.

"Yes, Dr. Williams," Dr. Miller responds, her voice thick with that undercurrent of professionalism mixed with something... almost like a challenge. She doesn't say it outright, but you get the sense this is her way of putting the new guy in his place.

You nod and turn toward where you assume Dr. Shepherd is standing, your mind racing. It's going to be an interesting day, you think.

The hospital is quieter now, the constant buzz of activity having faded as night settles in. The fluorescent lights above hum faintly, casting long shadows on the walls as you walk through the hallway. You’re trying to push away the thoughts that keep creeping in, but they won’t leave. Last night—everything about it—keeps replaying in your mind, and no matter how hard you try to focus on your job, it feels impossible to forget. The way she looked at you, the way her touch felt, the pull you couldn’t resist.

You’re not sure what’s worse: the fact that it happened, or the fact that you want it to happen again.

Then, you hear it. Her voice.

"Y/N."

Your heart skips, a shock of recognition jolting through you. You don’t have to turn around to know who it is. Your pulse quickens just hearing her say your name. Slowly, you pivot on your heel, and there she is. Ellie. That same grin from this morning is still there, but there’s something else now—something softer, something you can’t quite read. She steps closer, her eyes locking with yours, the teasing in her gaze replaced by something that feels more... serious.

She doesn’t waste time.

"Dr Williams."

"Dr. Williams? This morning it was Ellie. Now it's Dr. Williams."

Pause.

"So, we’re just going to pretend like nothing happened?"

Your breath catches in your throat. You knew this conversation was coming, but you didn’t know it would feel this real. Every inch of you wants to say something else—anything else—but the words just don’t come.

You swallow hard, forcing your voice to stay even.

“We should,” you say, the words tasting bitter as they leave your mouth. “It’s easier that way.”

Ellie looks at you, her expression unreadable. She takes a step forward, and for a second, you feel a sense of panic wash over you. You’re not ready for this. Not yet. Not when everything is still so confusing.

"Easier for who, exactly?" she asks, her voice low, amused, but there’s an edge to it now. A challenge.

Your throat tightens, and you find yourself looking at the floor, the weight of her gaze too much to handle. You want to run. You want to scream. But you can’t. You’re here, and you have to do this. You have to pretend.

"Better for both of us," you manage to say. "You’re my attending. I’m your intern. That’s all this can be."

She steps closer again, her smile faltering, the teasing in her eyes dimming. There’s something else there now. Something real. Something too hard to ignore.

"Is that really all we are, Y/N?" she asks, her voice soft but firm, a quiet question hanging between you.

You want to deny it. You want to say yes, that it’s simple, that it’s just a professional boundary you can never cross. But the truth feels much more complicated. And the moment she asks, you know you can’t lie anymore.

“Yes," you say, but even you hear the hesitation in your voice. You don’t believe it. Not really.

Ellie’s expression shifts. For a second, you think she might say something else, but instead, she just watches you, her eyes searching yours. She seems like she’s trying to figure something out, something she already knows but is waiting for you to admit.

"You know that’s not true, right?" she says quietly.

Her words hit you harder than you expect. You’re trapped. She’s right, of course. You can’t pretend it didn’t mean something. You know it, and so does she.

You take a shaky breath, the lump in your throat growing bigger. You try to push it down, but it doesn’t go away.

"I can’t be that girl," you whisper, your voice barely audible. "I can’t be the one who makes this a mistake."

Ellie steps back slightly, running a hand through her hair, looking like she’s trying to come to terms with something. The playful smile returns, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. There’s a vulnerability behind it now that makes your chest tighten.

"We both know you’re not the same girl you were last night," Ellie says, her voice quieter now. "But I can’t pretend it didn’t happen, Y/N."

You want to argue with her. You want to say that it doesn’t matter. That it was just a mistake—an accident. But the truth is, it does matter. And the longer you stand here with her, the more you realize that you don’t want to forget it. Not at all.

"But it did happen,” you murmur, as if saying it out loud would make it easier to accept. “And now it’s done. We can’t undo it, but we can pretend it didn’t mean anything."

Ellie doesn’t respond immediately. She just stands there, looking at you, like she’s waiting for you to change your mind, for you to admit that you’re not as sure as you’re trying to act. When she finally speaks, it’s quieter, almost like she’s speaking to herself.

"You’re afraid," she says, and you feel a shiver run down your spine. "That’s what this is, isn’t it? You’re scared to let it be real."

The words strike deep, and you freeze. You want to deny it. You want to say that you’re not scared. But you can’t. Because you are. You’re terrified of what this could mean. Terrified of what you could lose.

"I’m not afraid," you say, but even to your own ears, it sounds like a lie. You can’t look at her, can’t meet her eyes. You’re too exposed.

Ellie steps even closer, and you can feel the tension between you, thick and heavy. You can’t seem to escape it.

"You know," Ellie says, her voice suddenly playful again, though there’s something soft underneath. "I was drunk, vulnerable, and maybe a little too charming last night."

You glance up at her, an eyebrow raised. "Charming?" you ask, a teasing smile playing at your lips despite yourself. "You? I don’t think that red shirt you wore fooled anyone."

Ellie lets out a low laugh, the sound warm and rich, but it’s tinged with something sad. "Maybe not today," she says, leaning in just a little closer, her voice dropping an octave. "But last night? I was very charming. And you definitely took advantage."

You feel a flicker of something in your chest. Is she really teasing you right now? Is she joking about something so serious? You shake your head, trying to laugh it off, but inside, you feel like you’re unraveling.

"You were an attending," you say, voice steady despite the storm brewing inside you. "And I’m just an intern. We can’t be those people."

Ellie’s expression shifts, her playful grin slipping away. There’s something more serious in her eyes now. She steps closer again, her breath warm against your face, her gaze never leaving yours.

"We could be something more," she says, her voice low, almost tentative. "You know that, right?"

The words hit you like a punch to the gut. You want to say something. You want to argue, to explain that it’s impossible, that you can’t let this happen. But when you look at her, you know you can’t.

"You don’t mean that," you say softly, but there’s a question in your voice. You’re not sure you even believe your own words anymore.

Ellie doesn’t answer right away. She just looks at you, her eyes searching, reading every part of you. And then, after a long moment, she speaks again, her voice soft and almost sad.

"Maybe I do," she says. "Maybe I don’t."

You take a step back, the distance between you suddenly feeling unbearable. You need to leave. You need to get out of this before you lose yourself entirely.

"This can’t happen, Ellie," you whisper, your heart pounding in your chest.

Ellie nods slowly, as if she’s already resigned to it. She takes a step back, the playful glint gone from her eyes.

"Okay, Y/N," she says softly, the finality in her voice breaking something inside you.

You turn and walk away, your footsteps echoing in the silence of the empty hall. You don’t look back, even though you know, deep down, you won’t be able to forget her. Not now. Not ever.

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You jog up the stairs, your heart pounding, but you're not in a rush. Not at first. But then you see the nurses, their faces a blur as they rush into Katie's room, and your calm breaks. You start running.

“What took you so long?” one of the nurses calls out, her voice echoing.

“She’s having multiple grand mal seizures! How do you want to proceed? Dr. Y/N? Are you listening? She’s had Diazepam, 2 mg, I gave her another dose just now. You need to tell us what to do. Dr. Y/N!” another voice chimes in.

You grab the chart, your hands shaking as you flip through the pages. The voices blur into the background, and you force yourself to focus.

“Okay, she’s full-on Prazepam?” you ask, trying to keep your voice steady.

“She’s had 4 mg,” one nurse answers quickly.

“Did you page Dr. Miller?” you ask, already thinking ahead.

“The Prazepam’s not working,” another nurse responds, her voice full of concern.

“Phenobarbital. Load her with Phenobarbital,” you command.

“Phenobarbital’s in,” comes the reply.

“No change,” another nurse adds, frustration creeping into her voice.

“You paged Dr. Shepherd, right?” you ask, your tone sharp as the pressure builds.

“I just told you,” the nurse snaps back.

“Well, page him again. Stat,” you say, the panic creeping in as the beeping intensifies.

“Heart’s stopped!” a nurse shouts.

“Code blue! Code blue!” another calls out.

The room erupts into chaos as the defibrillators are wheeled in. You take them without hesitation, your hands steady despite the rush of adrenaline flooding your veins. You’ve done this a thousand times before.

“Charge to two hundred,” you instruct, your voice calm.

“Charged. Clear!” the nurse calls, and you watch as Katie’s body jerks with the shock. The heart monitor remains flatlined.

“Still defib. Nothing,” one nurse reports.

“Charging. 19 seconds,” another adds, her voice tight with anxiety.

“Charge to 300,” you say, your eyes glued to the screen.

“300. Anything? 27 seconds,” the nurse replies, but the flatline remains.

“Charge to 360. Come on, Katie,” you plead, though you know she can’t hear you.

“49 seconds,” a nurse reports.

“At 60 seconds, we have to admit her,” another warns, her voice laced with tension.

“Charge again!” you bark. The nurse hesitates. “Charge again!” you repeat, urgency rising in your chest.

The nurse complies this time, her fingers moving quickly to the machine. You watch, holding your breath as the numbers shift on the monitor. You wait, and then—

“I see sinus rhythm,” one of the nurses exclaims, disbelief in her voice.

“Blood pressure’s coming up,” another confirms, her tone almost hopeful.

“Pressure’s returning… Grid’s coming back,” the third nurse adds.

You let out a breath, but it’s not a sigh of relief yet. Not yet. You’re not done.

The door slams open, and Ellie rushes in, her face tight with stress. Her eyes immediately lock on you.

“What the hell happened?” she demands, her voice cutting through the room.

“She had a seizure, and—” you start, but she interrupts.

“A seizure?”

“Her heart stopped,” you reply, the words almost foreign as they leave your mouth.

“You were supposed to be monitoring her,” she says, her voice tight with accusation.

“I checked on her, and—”

“I got it. Just—just—go.” Ellie doesn’t even let you finish. Her voice is sharp, final. You step back, feeling the weight of his command.

“Someone give me her chart, please?” she says, his attention already shifting to the paperwork.

You turn and walk toward Dr. Miller's office, your mind still buzzing with the aftereffects of adrenaline. You don’t even hear Nora calling after you until she’s right next to you, catching up.

“Y/N, you need to—” Nora says, but you can’t focus on her right now. You just need to get to Dr. Miller.

You reach Dr. Miller's office, and she doesn’t look up as you step inside. She’s focused on something at her desk, but when she sees you, her eyes lock with yours, hard and unyielding.

“You get a 911, you page me immediately,” she says, her voice sharp. “Not five minutes later, not in the middle of the damn emergency. Immediately. You’re on my team, and if somebody dies, that’s my ass.”

She pauses, letting the words settle in the air, her gaze steady and unforgiving.

“You hear me, Y/N?” she demands.

You don’t answer. You can’t. You turn, your body moving automatically, your mind still whirling. You head for the door, your legs moving without your consent.

Outside, the rain is pouring down, soaking you instantly. You stand there, letting it wash over you, trying to clear your head. The nausea rises, and suddenly, you’re bent over, vomiting onto the grass. The dizziness pulls you under.

Nora stops at the door, watching you from a distance, but you don’t care. You can’t even find the words to explain what just happened.

“If you tell anyone…” you say hoarsely, your throat tight with the weight of it all. You don’t finish. Instead, you turn, pushing yourself back into the hospital, back into the chaos.

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tag list: @bready101 @liasxeatt

[thekrakenlolz]

Start up Fic - Ellie Williams x Reader

part 2

Summary: You switch dorms at your boarding school after you and your girlfriend go through a messy break up and you no longer can handle being roommates with her. Only your new one is a different kind of problem

a/n: I wrote the first chapter only to realize I have no idea what comes next. So here's my plan: if y'all like the set up, you can give me suggestions for what you want to happen next. I basically just laid down the base. So you can read it if you want and see if you have any ideas. But just as a warning, I'm not gonna write smut without a plot, I'm not about that life. I have a vague idea of what I can put next but it's very cliche and overdone sooooo yeah, thanx in advance<3

Also, English is my third language so expect bad grammar

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Your eyes wandered over the walls as you walked along them. The paint was starting to flake off, revealing the concrete underneath. Your school was old. Like old, old. Like Victorian ages old. Something most of your friends scoffed over, but you personally liked. You thought it gave it character. Of course a little bit of a touch up wouldn't hurt, but bathroom doors that are actually still attached to the stall hinges were overrated anyways.

You were following Miss Jenkins, your housemother, hunched over as you were balancing three of your bags on your back. Uncomfortable, yes, but you were trying to minimize the amount of trips you had to make to move all your shit over to your new dorm. Anything to avoid seeing Samira more than absolutely fucking necessary.

"Here we are" Miss Jenkins sighed, stopping in front of one of the gray doors. It took everything in you not to roll your eyes. You were still pissed that you had to put in 4 requests over the duration of 2 months before they finally assigned you a new room, but now she was acting like she was doing you a huge favor. Like taking 15 minutes out of her day was so much to ask for. But you kept it down, thanking her again before opening the door and stepping in.

The lengthy process of actually getting a new room gave you plenty of time to stress over who your new roommate would be. This girl, however, didn't even come to mind. You weren't even sure what her name was, your social circle and her's didn't interact much. E-something? Or was it L?

Mystery girl was sitting at her desk, headphones in, and carefully shading out something in her notebook. You noticed she had tucked her left leg under her, a bad habit you also possessed. She didn't register your presence, her eyes still fixed on the paper. You threw your bags next to your bed, which finally caught her attention. "Oh fuck" she jumped up from the desk and hurried over to your bed, picking up the stuff she dumped on it. "Hello to you too" you mused.

Sweatshirts, textbooks and pencils started flying over onto her bed. "I'm sorry, I thought I had until Sunday to get my shit off your side" She explained, tossing a hairbrush across the small room. You watched it hit the wall and fall down onto her Zelda themed sheets. Cute, you noted. "No worries, take your time, I still have stuff to move over"

So you were back in the hallway, slowly but surely making your way back to your old dorm and with that, to Samira. Now that you were by yourself, you took the time to think about your new roommate. You still didn't know her name but one thing was for certain: she was incredible looking.

Her thick straight auburn hair cut off above the shoulders and her cheeks were densely dotted with freckles. She was very toned, especially in the arms. She was probably in the lacrosse team.

You did notice she was more on the masculine side, so might maybe even be gay. You full stopped, forcing yourself to remember, that's exactly the type of shit that got you in your current situation in the first place. No fucking your roommate, dude, we talked about this.

--------

You took a moment to collect yourself before entering your old room. You drew a breath in, scanning the ugly grey door that separated you and her. 12B the lettering read, touched up with some sharpie. You reached for the knob.

She was sitting at her desk, scrolling on her phone and demonstratively ignoring your presence. You bit down on the inside of your cheek. This wasn't what you expected. Somehow you preferred another stupid fight over this new silence.

You stacked two backpacks on one arm and three bags on the other. The weight made your walk out rather inelegant. You stopped in the doorway. "Goodbye Sami."

You could practically feel her hesitate.

"Bye."

[whatwouldsylwrite]

At least I got you in my head (4)

(3)

Summary: Abby is straight. And then you move in with her.

Tags: modern au, fem!reader, straight!abby (she is doing some comphet bullshit), pining, idiot in love and it's abby, reader is gay and tired.

Notes: Happy pride month, guys! I feel like I committed a hate crime with this chapter, so I'm sorry. It's also longer than previous chapters by 2k. And um, the "hate crime" part (not literal hate crime, just some angst) is rushed because I really didn't enjoy writing it :/

Black haired girl is Yoon Jiwoo from My Name, and she is a badass, if you want to see some female violence go watch some edits of her.

Taglist: @abbyily @lillysbigwilly @gravygranules @blairfox04 @frogtits1 @ccinnamongrl @ninazenuk @urmomsgirlfriend1 @sunkissedbibi @couchgarbage @nil-eena (if you want me to tag/untag you for the whole series dm me please)

-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Caitlyn was again looking like a zombie, sipping her bitter coffee slowly. You were sitting in the coffee shop on the campus, and Caitlyn looked at you like a grumpy cat. Or a very pissed off cat. 

Caitlyn wasn't happy you distracted her (saved from exhaustion) from her studies (staring at her paper for an hour). But you didn't care as long as she sat with you and decompressed with her disgusting bitter 3-shots-of-espresso coffee. 

"You look like shit." You told Caitlyn and she glared at you. "You need to spend your weekend just sleeping for 30 hours. You can't do this to yourself."

"I'm fine." Caitlyn scoffed, but accepted the doughnut you slipped to her. "Thanks."

"I swear I will stay at your place for the weekend."

"I don't think you can be separated from Abby for so long, (y/n). Quite frankly, it makes me worried." 

Oh god, Cait had her detective face on, like she was solving a puzzle right now, and it made you nervous. 

"Why?"

"Well." Cait sipped her coffee. "You have the gay yearning in your eyes. Are you, perhaps, falling in love with her?"

"No." You cut sternly, surprising yourself. You didn't expect yourself to have such a strong reaction. "I'm not falling for a straight girl."

"Maybe falling was a strong word. You're crushing on her." The word crushing sounded so alien from Cait.

"It's manageable." You shrugged, not wanting to discuss your own weakness, but not wanting to lie to Caitlyn either. "I know I don't have a chance."

"This is quite upsetting." Caitlyn said and squeezed your hand. "I don't want you to get hurt."

"I won't, I promise. I'm not stupid." You winked and drank your coffee. "Do you want to come to her fight on Friday?"

"I have to finish that paper." Caitlyn groaned. She noticed how you narrowed your eyes on her. "I swear, I won't study during the weekend. But if I push myself I can finish it."

"I'll be at your door at 12pm on Saturday. We will go outside, have a walk in the park, go to the bookshop or whatever nerdy place you want to visit. We both can use some downtime."

Caitlyn sighed but didn't protest.

"I'll text you when I go to sleep. Count 8 hours and then show up."

You nodded, proud of Caitlyn compromising on this topic. She didn't like "wasting time" but if you said it was for your benefit too she usually agreed. You trapped her in taking care of herself by thinking she was taking care of you, and it worked well. 

"Ask Ellie to come with you to Abby's fight. I'm sure she is going to be there anyway."

"You're right." You smiled and took your phone out. You still had Ellie's number from months ago. "Have you talked to her?"

"Yes. We study together from time to time, and sometimes I invite her to play chess." 

"Good. I'm happy you found your nerdmate." You smiled at Caitlyn and she smiled back. "Or is there something else?"

"No, we're friends. Not the kind you are with Abby." Cait looked pointedly at you. "I may be speculating, but I have a feeling she is not as straight as she thinks she is."

"Well, what do you want me to do? 'Hey, Abby, I know you're so deep in the closet you met fucking Aslan but how about you change your entire worldview because I have a crush on you that I totally can get over?'" You scrunched your nose, irritated at nothing in particular. 

"Obviously not that." Caitlyn frowned like she usually did when she was stategising, as if she could find a way to get you and Abby together because she was just that smart. "Well, I think you should start dating again."

You shrugged and looked down at your phone. 

to: Ellie Williams

Hi, it's (y/n)

Are you going to Abby's fight on Friday?

from: Ellie Williams

Hi

Yeah

Wanna go together?

to: Ellie Williams

Yes

from: Ellie Williams

cool 

I'll meet you there

"I'm not going to use other people in order to get over Abby. I'm not fighting fire with fire." You said, continuing your conversation with Cait. 

"You could use a distraction." Caitlyn shrugged in return. 

"I'll just find someone to tutor." 

"And I'm a workaholic with bad habits?" Cait muttered under her breath and bit down on her second doughnut. 

Thursday nights were usually booked for the time to unwind for both of you: you'd come home late, tired and hungry after classes and lessons on campus, Abby would be already home, studying in the living room for her usual seminar on Friday, also tired. 

Abby heard the keys as you opened the door and in a few minutes you appeared in the living room.

"Hi." Abby's chest tightened at your small, quiet voice and she looked at you. 

"Hey." She said gently and panicked, not really understanding why. "You look like shit." Nice save, Anderson.

"I feel like shit." You shrugged and went to your room to take your change of clothes. 

Abby took a deep breath, trying to get her panic under control - what was that? What, she wasn't allowed to be gentle with her friends anymore? What the fuck her brain was playing at? That was concerning. For some reason she kept creating excuses why it was okay to touch you, and that wasn't even the weird, selfish part. The weird part was - why did she even need to create excuses? She was touchy with her friends, and you were touchy too, it wasn't any different from her friendship with Ellie.

But somehow it was, and Abby was confused. She tried to act chill and normal around you, sometimes getting a little more sarcastic than usual. It didn't seem to bother you, but Abby got embarrassed every time she'd suddenly treat you a little rougher because she'd get this weird panic. Honestly, it was pissing her off - you were nice to her, gentle even, and she was acting like a school boy, tugging on your pigtails. 

Just like now. You didn't look like shit, you looked lovely despite being tired, and Abby had a fucking knee jerk reaction to god knows what. 

You came back from the shower, smelling like you, and you sat next to Abby, putting your head on her shoulder. Abby stopped typing, her heart doing a micro somersault: you were so close so suddenly it scared her. Or whatever she kept telling herself, really. 

"I wanna die."

"You're just hungry." Abby murmured and pretended to be concentrating on her studies. "There's leftovers from yesterday or I can order something for you."

You made a tired sound and Abby chuckled. 

"What do you want? Thai? Indian?" 

"Nah, don't waste money, I'll cook something."

"I'm not 'wasting money'. You're tired as fuck." I want to take care of you, she wanted to say, but she was being weird again, so she didn't. "Just pick."

"Let's do rock paper scissors."

Abby won and ordered your usual while you went through the endless list of tv shows for both of you to watch. Now, when you weren't that close, Abby got back to studying - her weird panic could wait until she was done. In Abby's mind her gpa was way harder to fix than whatever emotional things she had going on. 

"Cait really likes Ellie." You said offhandedly, and Abby perked up. "In a friendly way."

"Really?" 

Abby was surprised for two reasons: Ellie had a temper and was only likeable when she was interested in someone sexually, and Cait was so out of her league it was ridiculous. 

"Yeah. They play chess and study together. Cait doesn't study with people, so I guess Ellie is special in that way."

"Wow." Abby chuckled. "I mean, Ellie is extremely smart. Is it your type?" Abby teased, continuing the bit about you crushing on Ellie. However something in her grew anxious at the thought of learning what your type was.

"It's more about her arms, you know." You laughed, looking a little embarrassed at the admission. 

Something felt hot in Abby’s chest as she looked down at her own arms. She looked back at you and flexed her bicep to see your reaction, and it was worth it: you looked dazed for a second before quickly looking away, flustered. Abby laughed at you and you hit her on her arm, embarrassed. 

“Fuck you.” You laughed too, and Abby felt too good in this moment, just laughing and teasing you; she never wanted it to end. "What is your type?"

Abby blinked. Her type? She never gave it a thought before: relationships weren’t something she was too invested in, it never seemed to be worth the effort. She never experienced this head over heels love everyone was talking about, so she never cared to run after boys.

"I don't really have a type." Abby said, thinking back to her not-so-long list of exes. "You know, with men if he is not an asshole it's already a win."

You laughed and Abby smiled, her confusion about not having a type going away.

"Great, we're definitely going to have a perfect love life with these standards." You chuckled and laid back on the sofa, letting Abby get back to her study. 

Abby's favourite part of Thursdays was happening around 10pm, when you'd finish washing the dishes - today it was putting everything in the bin - and Abby'd get her excessive amount of pillows and blankets so you two could cuddle and watch the next episode of the ridiculous show you both were too invested in. 

"Come on, come here." Abby said a little impatiently while you were putting some pillows away. 

"I'm not the one who made a fucking fort out of pillows." You grumped but soon enough you put your head on Abby's shoulder, your hands tucked in front of your chest. Abby always expected you to hug her around her middle, but you never did, and she wasn't sure how she felt about it. 

Sometimes, very rarely, when you'd get too tired, you'd fall asleep on Abby's chest, and Abby never had the heart to wake you up. You already showered, everything was clean and you didn't have any tasks to do, so why would she wake you up? Just so you could walk to your bedroom, your sleep interrupted? No. 

Abby looked down where your head was, curious if you were asleep after the episode ended, but you looked up just as she lowered her head, and fuck you were too close. So close Abby's heart fucking malfunctioned and started beating five times faster. She could feel your breath on her face and something was demolishing under her ribcage - it happened in a matter of seconds and you moved away, creating the distance between you, but Abby was so scared in that moment she didn't breathe. 

"Do you need to study?" You asked as you moved away and sat next to her. Abby tried not to feel disappointed at losing your warmth. 

"I'm done, actually. I feel kinda confident about tomorrow, you know?"

Abby stood up and started tidying up the living room, putting everything in its place.

"You're smart, Abby. You'd nail that seminar, I promise." 

"Thanks, (y/n). You're coming tomorrow to my fight, right?"

"Yeah. I even cleared my schedule for it." You said, pleased with yourself and Abby smiled. "But I'll kill you if you get hurt, you hear me? No missing punches."

Abby laughed and came closer to you, refusing to feel weird about being affectionate with you. It was fine. 

"I will be careful, I promise." Abby murmured as she leaned down and kissed your forehead. "Don't want to get in trouble with a woman who feeds me."

"Damn right." You said sternly. "Good night, Abby."

"Night, (y/n)."

You only had a vague idea about MMA fights: you were never really interested in sports, let alone violent sports, but well, Abby invited you so you decided to give it a shot. You weren't sure you'd like it (seeing Abby being punched? No thank you), but Abby wouldn't have invited you if it wasn't important to her, right?

Or were you fantasising again? Making a big deal out of nothing? Fuck, it was getting harder and harder to keep yourself in check with these things. Abby was sweet, and you were weak for sweet girls. 

You tried not to get delusional when your suspicion got too strong - was it intuition or wishful thinking? Were you seeing things that weren't there or were you ignoring what was? You didn't know, and yeah, it was manageable, but also - it drove you crazy. You couldn’t live like this, questioning Abby’s every move and every word.

Maybe you should have talked to her about the possibility of her not being straight, but her best friend was a lesbian, surely Abby had a moment to reflect on her own sexuality like some straight girls did when they found out their friend was gay. Abby was smart, she’d have figured it out already. 

God you thought you weren’t that stupid, but you were failing not to fall for Abby for a month and a half already. Hubris is a bitch, huh.

Ellie met you outside the place where the fight would take place fifteen minutes before the start. She looked good, as attractive as always - yes, (y/n), you needed to look at women you actually had a chance with, good job, keep it up - and the look she gave you suggested she thought the same about you. She even took your hand in hers as she led you to your seats, and you didn’t protest - somehow Ellie being touchy felt natural, and her cool hand felt nice on your skin. You sat together and you looked around.

“There’s supposed to be medics around, right?” 

“Yeah, but Abby doesn’t get super injured, she’ll be fine.”

“Have you seen her face? I almost went into cardiac arrest when I saw her.” 

“That’s her usual day at practice.” Ellie shrugged, her thigh warm against yours as she moved closer to hear you better. “Don’t worry, she can take a lot more than that. She is tough and intimidating, and she actually knows how to duck. But if you tell her I said it - your ass is grass.”

You laughed at Ellie's words and she smiled back. She explained to you how the fight was going to happen, and you felt a little hopeful - how much damage can happen in a five minute round? Not a lot, right? Right?

There were other fights too, and you had time to adjust to the overall violence of it all. You didn't know the girls who were fighting, but even then when a stranger got hit you couldn't help but flinch. Ellie noticed how stressed you were getting, so she took your hand in hers to ground you. The touch was definitely easy between the two of you, and it was comforting, so you squeezed her hand back. 

"I don't know if I'd survive this." You laughed and Ellie squeezed your hand back. 

"Look, they're all fine. No blood, no bruises." 

"The standards are too low, Ellie. You're in sports too, right?"

"If you call skateboarding a sport then yeah. I'm a hell of an athlete." Ellie snorted. 

"You should've taken Abby with you." 

"Babe, she has been in martial arts since she was four. I'm pretty sure she'd have kicked my ass if I asked her to leave MMA."

You laughed at this, a little bit confused: Ellie was behaving like Ellie you knew, not Ellie that was studying with Cait three times a week. The difference was intriguing. 

Finally Abby's name was announced and you got tense, bracing yourself. But when she walked to the cage, you forgot how to breathe for a totally different reason: she was so intimidating and confident, her defined shoulders rolled back in a threat, and you just couldn't help yourself. She was hot. She was so hot you pressed your thighs together as your eyes roamed over her trained body that screamed power and dominance, her top and shorts letting you see her abs and thighs that could crush your head if Abby wanted to. Fuck. 

Mark you as scared and horny. 

Her opponent was similar to her in size, and you watched with wide eyes as they approached each other after the bell rang. Abby was light on her feet, not too fast as previous fighters, but she timed her punches well, immediately cornering her opponent. But the girl was quick to recover as she landed some punches on Abby's side with her legs and you gasped, terrified.

"Abby's okay." Ellie said to you and you finally exhaled, not looking away from the cage. 

It was the most stressful eighteen minutes of your life, and the relief you felt when Abby was getting the upper hand and she was punching instead of getting punched, was immeasurable. Abby didn't really let her opponent corner her, her face had that calculated expression as if she knew every way this fight could go. That was comforting, but not as comforting as hearing the last bell and seeing Abby's black glove raised in the air to show her win. 

"That was so intense." You admitted as you relaxed in your seat and Ellie laughed, her hands stroking your thigh. 

"Believe me, it wasn't. You need to watch Abby's previous fights, there's some intense shit."

"No thank you." You said. "Do we wait for her or? What the fuck we are supposed to do, actually?"

"She told me to meet her at the party, so we can head out. Are you going to the party?"

"I dunno." You admitted sheepishly. "I have plans tomorrow."

"Come on, it will be fun. You can leave early and still get your beauty sleep. I can even set an alarm for you, Cinderella."

"Okay-okay. I'll leave at midnight." 

Abby arrived at the party a little later than she planned, but at least everyone was already having fun and not yet wasted. She quickly grabbed a beer and went through people to find Ellie and then find you - in Abby's head you were supposed to be with her. Ellie, however, was talking to her other friends - that was how Abby referred to anyone Ellie befriended in university - she was laughing and you were nowhere in sight. 

Ellie noticed her and went for a hug, patting her back.

"(Y/n) said your fight was 'so intense'." Ellie laughed and Abby laughed too, because they both knew Abby had way worse fights. "Congrats on not having your ribs broken."

"You're so sweet." Abby said mockingly. "What did I do to have such a supportive, caring best friend?"

"Nothing you should be proud of." 

"Have you seen (y/n)? I kinda thought she'd be with you."

"Yeah, she was talking to some girl." Oh. "Close to the bar." 

Something not really pleasant filled Abby's chest after Ellie's words, something like disappointment. She expected to see you there, but you were somewhere else, talking to someone else. 

Abby took a sip of her beer and went in the direction Ellie told her to find you. And yes, there you were, talking to a black haired girl Abby didn't know. It looked like the conversation was friendly, and the other girl didn't stand too close to you, which brought Abby relief - what the fuck was wrong with her? Why was she so uncomfortable with seeing you with someone else? What the fuck?

She walked through people to get closer to you, and when you turned your head you saw her and smiled. Abby smiled back and watched you touch the other girl's forearm, saying your goodbyes. The girl smiled at you and motioned at her phone as you nodded before she started to walk away. When Abby came to you, the girl wasn't there anymore and your smile was only directed at Abby, and it calmed her down, the normalcy of your life getting back. 

"Congratulations!" You hugged Abby tightly and she hugged back, stroking your back on instinct. 

"Did you like it?" Abby already knew the answer, but she really wanted to tease you. 

"Liked seeing people getting punched? No."

"But what about all those arms, hm?" 

"I swear to god, Abby." You elbowed her and Abby laughed. 

"Was it your friend?" Abby asked cautiously, trying to pass her curiosity as something casual. 

"Hm?"

"The girl you were talking to. I didn't want to interrupt, sorry." Was she really sorry? Maybe. 

"Oh, don't worry." You said, not answering Abby's question, and it made her feel not good. "Are you feeling okay though?"

"You're such a mother hen." Abby rolled her eyes. "My side is bruised, and she got my lip, but otherwise I'm fine."

"Great."

Abby spent the next hour glued to your side, talking to you: it was fun to be with you outside your shared apartment. Yeah, you spent time together on weekends, but being around a lot of people Abby knew and showing who she was friends with (yup, people knew you because you were a tutor on campus and a lot of them swore they got their credits thanks to you) was a cool feeling. Abby felt cool because she was friends with you. 

"I have plans tomorrow with Caitlyn." You said as you checked the time on your phone. "I'll head out."

"Already?"

"Yeah. But you have fun, okay? Call me if you need me." 

"Need you?" Abby raised her eyebrow.

"What if you get so drunk you'd need assistance?" You teased and hugged Abby. "Have fun! See you at home."

"Okay, mom." Abby laughed and watched you leave, just a bit sad. 

She found Ellie and hung out with her friends until she needed a refill of her beer. And while she was waiting for her beer, someone scooted closer to her and coughed, catching her attention. 

Abby turned her head to see a guy her age with a stubble. He smiled at her and Abby smiled back, a little confused.

"I was at your fight today." He said as he looked her over, and Abby got thrills from his attention. "You know how to throw a punch."

"Thanks." Abby said, pleased. Guys rarely liked the fact she could fuck them up, and hearing a guy saying she was good was ego boosting. 

"I'm Owen." He stretched his hand for a handshake, and Abby took it.

"Abby." 

The vibration of notifications woke you up and you expected to see Caitlyn’s message saying she finally went to sleep. You checked the time - 3am - and looked at your notifications. Indeed, Caitlyn messaged you half an hour ago with “if i see you earlier than 12pm ill kill you”, but there were other notifications. 

from: Abby

Hi im with a boy

sorry

promise we won’t be loud 

Your heart sank, but you didn’t even have time to process your emotions as you heard the front door open and people talking in hushed voices. Of fucking course you woke up just in time to hear Abby come home with a guy. They quickly made their way to Abby’s bedroom, trying to be quiet, but you got hyper aware of every noise. Fuck.

It hurt, and it hurt even more because you were so fucking stupid. You knew from the beginning Abby would never be interested in you because you were a girl, but the safety of your apartment where the two of you existed in your small little bubble made you delusional. 

Abby was just affectionate and touchy, and you were stupid and read it the way you wanted to read it, getting your hopes up. Stupidstupidstupid

You heard the bed creak on the other side of the wall and your throat tightened. Abby liked guys and she was having sex with a guy right now while you felt your heart crush, because you overestimated yourself and thought you could easily manage your feelings. 

The problem was that you forgot that feelings were not manageable and not something you could compromise with. You couldn’t just decide not to feel something and then actually stop feeling it. This mindset trapped you into repression and repression could only go so far, and now the fucking dam was broken. 

You were in love with Abby, and you had no chance and Caitlyn was right: you were hurting yourself. 

You didn’t cry, keeping your composure and snickering at the lack of the noise from the other side: either Abby was very quiet in bed or the sex wasn’t good. That thought made you feel better, not for any noble reason: you were hurt and you wanted Abby to not feel good too, and you didn’t really care at that moment that it wasn’t her fault.

Somehow you fell asleep, not bothered by any noise - that made you smile cruelly again - and you tried not to think about this situation and your own feelings.

Caitlyn was right, you needed a distraction. 

Abby woke up with a pleasant ache in her body and her head hurting just a little. Her bed was empty and she was relieved - she didn’t like to wake up next to someone she barely knew. 

Well, knew enough to have sex with him, but not enough to wake up next to him. Abby genuinely liked Owen - he was easy going and polite, and honestly? Maybe you were right when you said you didn’t really need to know someone to hook up with them. And hey, Abby was so touch-starved she was too touchy with you, so it seemed like a great idea yesterday. It felt like it worked - she was probably too lonely the whole time and now she was relaxed and there was no pull to go and cuddle you. It made her feel guilty - if she stopped wanting to be close to you after she hooked up then it meant she was just selfish this whole time, substituting what she actually needed with whatever she could get from you.

Yeah, she didn’t feel like a good person right now. 

Abby stood up from her bed and assessed the damage: two bruises on her inner thighs and a hickey on her collarbone, not that bad. She didn’t like when guys left marks on her - it mostly caused problems with covering up, but Owen was kinda good with not leaving marks everywhere. 

Abby put her clothes on and made her way to the bathroom when she felt her chest tighten with anxiety: not only Owen was still here, but he was talking to you. Shit. 

Abby felt bad for bringing someone home without actually discussing it with you beforehand and now you were making small talk at 11am with a guy who was supposed to leave a long time ago. 

Owen noticed Abby and smiled at her, and she smiled back. 

“Morning.” He looked down at her neck and Abby blushed a little. 

“Morning.” Abby responded and waited for Owen to come closer to her.

He put his hands on her waist and kissed her on the cheek and Abby melted a little.

“Sorry, I have to go already, but text me anytime.” Owen murmured before leaving a small peck on her lips and Abby nodded. 

Owen left and Abby went to the kitchen where you were drinking tea and looking ready for the day while Abby felt like a mess. The guilt overpowered her and she sat on the chair opposite of you.

“Sorry for yesterday, I know we haven’t discussed bringing people over.” Abby said, but you smiled at her.

“Hey, we are young and horny, can’t blame you for getting your stress relief.” You chuckled kindly, and Abby felt relieved. “He didn't seem like a total asshole.”

Abby laughed, knowing it was a pick at her standards.

“Well, just as you said, don’t really have to know him to hook up with him.”

“See, you’re learning.” You nodded your head approvingly and Abby laughed again. “Actually, while we’re still on the topic, can I bring girls over?”

“I mean, yeah, I think as long as we don’t disturb each other, everything is a fair game.” Who was Abby to deny your own needs when she literally brought a guy over?

“Oh, okay. Thanks.” You didn't look too happy right now, and it confused Abby to a degree, but she didn't ask.

What Abby didn’t know in that moment, that by giving you permission to bring girls over, she started the end of it all.

--------

To: Yoon Jiwoo

Hi! 

Would you like to grab a coffee with me?

[elliesmainhoe]

could u do headcanons of ellie calling reader mommy?? 😋

Ellie Williams Headcanons: When she calls you mommy

Milf Lover!Ellie omg

Whether or not your actually older than her or actually have kids, she 100% thinks you radiate milf energy.

This bitch is obsessed with your tits omg

Calls them mommy milkers and thinks it's so funny. You do not 😐

Motorboats in them (I think that's what it's called but I'm not 100% sure)

Also cuddles in them. Very comfy pillows (a woman of my heart)

Comments under all your social media posts. Mommy. sorry. Mommy. sorry.

yourinstagram

542 likes

yourinstagram me and ells on our book and coffee date this weekend <33

elliethespacegiraffe Mommy? Sorry. Mommy? Sorry. Mommy? Sorry.

→ yourinstagram oh shut up (ily)

view 23 comments

Has a breeding kink

Dina also simps for you (she's your second babygirl)

On her hands and knees for you, anytime you want.

Loves seeing you cooking in an apron, has her drooling 10 times/10

-----------

These are kinda short :( sorry nonnie!

Taglist: @aunslie @lonelyfooryouonly @prettypeoniesx @daryldixonh0e @kittynnie @lovelyyevelyn @randomhoex @moonlightdivine @haerinwho @mufflaa @mial1l @sarahsmileslikesarahd0esntcare @moonlighting87 @escaping-reality8 @magicalfreakcowboylawyer @hejdevkdbdjsd @dergy @half-of-a-gay @ellieismami @cyberlainn @gollumsmygel @sseorii @kyleeservopoulos @taloulalila @ellieluhme @kiiyoooo @delusionalvioleht @joelscharm @hi2647 @gumdropkoo @coffeeandbookskeepmealive @womaniza @namgification @kimiisims-blog @tayyyystan @abigaillovestoread @whoreshores @kylieeluvstlou @knowitsforthebetterr @endureher @erikaar

Join my taglist here

[zzcrypticcoyotezz]

random jp headcanons lets gooo

gonna have lots of alan stuff because i have like. a whole backstory for him lol. he just like me fr so i get to make him trans and autistic.

this is mostly for before the events of JP1 and right after. ian doesn't know he's nonbinary yet. doesn't know until probably... after jp2 i think, when his books become more popular. so i'm gonna be referring to him as a man in this post. (see my post about my nonbinary/genderfluid ian headcanon if ur confused)

-

- ian makes jewelery as a hobby in his spare time. made his turquoise necklace himself. LOVES turquoise.

- ellie has a houseplant addiction. don't ever send her to home depot, she WILL rescue all of the succulents. and once they're healthy, she gifts them to her friends. alan complains and insists he can't take care of a plant, that he doesn't have a green thumb, that he would somehow kill it accidentally within a month. but every time ellie stops by his trailer to come and visit, she notices that little plant thriving, for years.

- alan hyperfocuses so much on his work that he often forgets about everything around him. he could sit in the dirt for hours without end picking at fossilized bones, scrutinizing every tiny detail. at least he remembers to stay hydrated, though, always has his water bottle with him. dehydration is no joke, kids! especially out in the desert!

- alan was raised in a rural christian family. they never understood him or any of his interests. in high school, he had a very kind geology teacher who happened to be gay. he helped alan figure out his identity and get into college to become a paleontologist. alan's parents ended up kicking him out on the morning of his 18th birthday, since he just couldn't be the perfect christian daughter they wanted. without the support of his teacher, alan would've never won a college grant, and he would've been homeless. alan truly put everything into his career. every single time alan tried to write a letter home to his parents, it would be returned unopened, so he had to give up. alan started testosterone at 20 years old, it took him two years to find a doctor willing to help.

- alan and ellie met in college. alan was already a few years into his studies by the time ellie got in. alan had never had very many friends in his life, he tended to keep to himself and work alone. ellie's persistence eventually paid off, and after an expedition to the hell creek formation with the rest of their class, he was impressed with her knowledge of mesozoic plant life, and they became good friends.

- a couple years into their friendship, they realized they both have feelings for each other. alan comes out to ellie, terrified she'll leave him, but she doesn't. she doesn't understand at first, but she tries to, and she does her research (she LOVES researching things). she ends up helping alan a lot, making him a couple of proper binders (no more bandages or tape!) and helps him do his testosterone shots.

- they've dated on and off for a long time before the events of JP1. however, the traumatic events of isla nublar were just too much and put a significant strain on their relationship. their feelings for each other never went away, but ellie just couldn't do dinosaurs anymore, after all she went through. she felt she needed normalcy, but alan is alan and he wouldn't be himself without dinosaurs. so they mutually called it off. and she also always wanted to be a mom. and alan insisted he couldn't, he could never provide her what she wanted. yes, there's other ways to conceive, but it's deeper than that. deep down, he was afraid of turning out like his own father. heartbroken, he had to tell ellie to move on and find someone better for herself. after she began dating mark, alan became distant and isolated himself.

- before ian came into the picture, the only person alan had ever dated was ellie. alan's old fashioned, he never thought that someone like him could also like men too. he'd always distanced himself from anything 'queer', more for his own safety than anything else. but he also struggled a lot with internalized homophobia and transphobia. he thought it was a sign of femininity and pushed aside his attraction to ian for a very long time.

- alan is definitely an unsafe binder. he would often just forget he's wearing it while he's out on a digsite. when ellie's around, she would often have to remind him to take breaks. but when it's just himself, he's stubborn (and extremely dysphoric) so he usually forces himself to power through the whole day, ignoring the discomfort. it's easy to ignore when you're uncovering the remains of long extinct animals.

- thanks to his digsite getting enough funding from hammond, alan finally manages to save enough money to get top surgery about a year after the events of jurassic park. ellie takes time off to help him through recovery, but after that, they unfortunately become distant again. he tells ian he's recovering from carpal tunnel surgery. ian knows he's not telling the full truth, alan is very easy to read, but he doesn't press for more, respecting the man's privacy.

- and yes, this means he was binding almost the entire time while on isla nublar. he was in survival mode, only focused on his own safety and lex and tims', and absolutely nobody could know he's trans, so his stubborn ass powered through it, adrenaline blurring any pain. by the time everyone was rescued and off the island, it turned out that alan had bruised and cracked his ribs.

- for a month after the isla nublar incident, alan and ellie stayed with ian, helping him through the worst of the healing process. there was no way they would leave him alone after such a horrific, life-changing leg injury. it was difficult for alan, juggling a sexuality crisis and having to hide his, well, transness, in another man's household, the same man who caused this sexuality crisis, but he made it work. the memory of that time is a huge blur to ian anyways thanks to the pain meds. during this time, the three began to feel something more for each other, but it remained unspoken. alan doesn't even know that there's anything other than monogamy. unfortunately in my headcanon dinot3 doesn't become real until dominion 💔 i'm a slut for slowburns lmfao

-

okay, this is all i'm gonna write for now! i'd love to hear anybody's thoughts on these. i love these bitches sm they live in my head rent free. honestly i've been tempted to like... make a fanfic rewriting jp1 but with my headcanons, but that's too much work and i have a very bad habit of starting projects and never finishing them 💀 so probably not gonna happen. it's also very difficult trying to find any resources about how life was like for trans men back in the 80s/90s.

[slarpg]

HI I'm currently brainstorming my own very lesbian RPG Maker game, and as kind of a casual gamer, I'm trying to familiarize myself with what lesbian games are already out there!! SLARPG looks amazing, I have a Mac but I'm dying to play it as soon as I can get set up to. But anyway. I was wondering if you know of any other notable games focused on lesbian stories, besides visual novels(I know theres lots of those, but I'm interested in RPGs and life sims.) Was there any other sapphic game that helped to inspire SLARPG perhaps?

Hey thanks for reading my ask anyway and hope to play SLARPG soon 😊

The thing is, I can't say I was particularly inspired by other sapphic games when I started making SLARPG

For one, there just weren't nearly as many sapphic games in the early 2010s as there are today. There was, like, Life is Strange and Gone Home, and some RPGs that had some F/F romance options like Mass Effect and Dragon Age, and a small handful of niche indie games like Mighty Jill Off and Lesbian Spider Queens of Mars by Anna Anthropy, but there wasn't nearly as much out there as there is today. Just to name a few, you've now got indies like Butterfly Soup, Signalis, Get in the Car Loser, certain subplots in Undertale and Deltarune, the continued existence of RPGs with F/F options like Baldur's Gate 3, and many, many more games than I can list off the top of my head. There's a lot, especially in the indie space

There are also more AAA games with sapphic characters in them now, but I wouldn't exactly pitch The Last of Us to someone looking for a queer romance story just because Ellie is gay, nor would I tell you to play Overwatch 2 just because the lore says Tracer is a lesbian. And I know Aloy has a female love interest in Horizon: Forbidden West, but I couldn't tell you how much focus that's actually given

But also, SLARPG was based more on my own experiences and feelings, as opposed to being inspired by other works of queer fiction. There was very little out there that I felt I could relate to 100% at the time, so I felt the need to go and make it myself. And, in fact, I kind of avoided playing some other queer games by my peers in the indie scene while working on SLARPG because I didn't wanna be influenced too heavily by them and accidentally rip them off. I just wanted to tell my own story

[eightstarr]

hi zoe! after your last ellie post... i can't stop wondering about how your ellie and abby were like when they were in highschool. i fully believe ellie got side bangs bc she wanted to look like chloe price. (she looked like justin bieber)

anyways i love you (not in a gay way ofc.)

-penis cat anon

omg i had so much fun thinking about this!! i love you too but in a gay way because i'm gay. i'm sorry to have to tell you like this in front of all these people 😮‍💨

and no actually i think ellie wanted to look like justin bieber :) i can see her being a fan ngl. she looks like she has the weirdest gender envy and justin bieber would've been like her dream body to be in when she was 14

as for her as a student i think i've mentioned this before but i think ellie loveddd history so much! i can also see her being really good at math but not even realizing it. art class was okay but she likes to do art at her own pace and IF she feels like it so i think she would've hated assignments. like don't tell her what to do!! she's only picking up a pencil if she wants to!!! otherwise she's putting no effort in, so sorry about it

socially i think she was the kid that gets adopted by the nice pretty girls because she's funny!! they love her <3 i can see her not really having very close friends until she's older though! i feel like she was more closed off than she would like to admit for a really long time, but she's way better now. it's a work in progress!

abby as a student is like fascinating to me. i could think about it for hours. i think the obvious thing is that she was really incredibly, amazingly, annoyingly good at everything. but she's so cool!! how can you hate her? she has one best friend and speaks to literally no one else but if you drop your pen she'll pick it up for you, you know? that's abby

but she's so mysterious like i can't even tell you what her favorite subject was!! and i don't think she knows either like she's just naturally a good student and by the time she's high school age, she just views all of it as simply the steps that lead to the next thing (she's had a life plan since she was 7) (it's written in pink crayon) (her dad has it framed). but that doesn't mean that she hated school! she has lots of fun with her friend and grows a really lovely connection to sports and makes sooo many significant bonds with her teachers. she thinks about them sometimes and writes them really nice emails that could make grown men cry

and yeah there were like 85 people that had a serious crush on her but if you went to high school with her and bring it up she'll be like "???? what do you mean??" she's silly <3 i can talk about her forever and i think it shows, my bad :)

[galadrail]

I think I might be emotional today because I cried for the last of us || and I cried for doctor who in the same day

[spaceorphan18]

If you had to cast the Bridgerton actors into glee 09-15 as special guests stars, have you any thoughts on who any of them could be? I could see Jonathan Bailey as a cousin of someone, maybe Blaine (and bring back Cooper) or Rachel. Or pick a Bridgerton actor as love interest for any of the glee characters? Or a mother figure or mad teacher?

So. I thought about this all the way to and all the way from my doctor's appointment today. And the more I thought about it, the more fun I had with it, lol! I have soooo many thoughts, so you're getting a whole bunch of ideas, Nonny!

Btw, I realized that the Bridgerton actors are, on average, younger than the Glee cast! Isn't that wild? Mostly because it's been so long since Glee was on the air.

So, I came up with story lines for a hypothetical Glee Season 7 -- that takes place solely in New York, and ignores about half the plot points of Season 6, lol. Oh, and I decided the Bridgerton actors are playing characters with the same or similar names because I'm too lazy to create new character names for this kind of thing.

Oh. And. Apparently, Glee makes everything just a smudge gayer, lol.

I hope the five of you who don't mind me continuing these crossover things enjoy this <3

*****

Nicola Coughlan...

... (as a season long guest star) plays Penny, a quirky, fun loving, gossipy student from Ireland, come to New York to study script writing. She and Kurt take the same class, and Kurt thinks she's the greatest thing ever, and the two become joined at the hip (much to Rachel's chagrin; Blaine doesn't mind one bit). She and Kurt decide to work on a project together -- writing a play about a drama school -- it takes them the whole year to do (and of course, they put it on at the end of the season/year).

And I mean -- I'm not out here advocating for people to be in Ryan Murphy productions -- but if anyone could really sell one of his bonkers characters, it'd be Nicola Coughlan.

2. Rege-Jean Page...

...plays Simon; a hot, young TA for stage combat and movement, and every one has lined up to take the class.

3. Pheobe Dynevor...

...plays Daphne, a young girl whom Quinn is mentoring. She ends up pregnant and alone, after her boyfriend dumps her. Quinn takes her under her wing, and helps her figure her life out.

4. Jonathan Bailey...

...as Tony, Cooper Anderson's just as neurotic, weird, and attention seeking roommate, who also wants to be an actor. The two of them have a ridiculous love/hate relationship, which makes staying with Blaine (and Kurt) question whether or not they might actually be in a relationship together. (The answer is no, but Tony is gay, and he and Cooper are ultimately fond of each other)

(if there's another person who could also really go all in when it comes to eccentric Ryan Murphy characters -- it'd be Jonny Bailey.)

5. Jessica Madsen

...as Cress, a waitress at the same bar where Santana works. She's has a fiery streak about her, and goes toe to toe with Santana. She's also a lesbian. There's a regular enemies to lovers thing going here.

6. Claudia Jessie

...as Ellie. She's the student director of the all-female play that Rachel is starring in. She doesn't really like Rachel, and felt somewhat forced to have her in the production, but deals with her anyway. She's smart and clever and really opinionated and very direct, and she and Rachel butt heads a lot. But Rachel becomes a better person after being in the production and having Ellie really help her get her shit together.

7. Adjoa Andoh

...as Mercedes's favorite aunt, Agatha. She's in town and helps Mercedes decide how to move forward in her life. (And also shows up to attend the wedding between Mercedes and Sam.)

8. Luke Thompson

...as Ben, Tina's new boyfriend. Who figures out he's bisexual when he does a play with Blaine. Blaine helps him figure out his sexuality (not personally - Klaine is still very much a thing) but it's alright, he does actually like Tina, too, and they stay together. :)

9. Yerin Ha

...as Sophie, Mike's girlfriend-turned-fiancee. She is not at all in the entertainment industry, and Tina decides she doesn't like her. Until she meets her, and thinks she's great. It gives Tina and Mike a chance for some real closure.

10. Golda Rosheuvel

...as Char. She takes over NYADA after Carmen Tibideaux retires, and she makes Carmen seem kind and charming.

11. Hannah Dodd

...as Frannie. Artie sees her in a coffee shop once and becomes obsessed with her -- wanting her to be the star of his movie. He searches the entire city for her, only to find that she works in the building next door as an accountant (who loves her day job). She won't star in his movie, but she does agree (eventually) to go on a date with him.

12. Victor Alli

...as Johnny, Brittany's new best friend, a rich, handsome, world traveler, who is using Brittany's intelligence to help him in his scientific work. It's a season runner -- where she always mentions him, but everyone thinks it's just Brittany just being Brittany, until he shows up at the end of the season to be completely real.

14. Martins Imhangbe

...as Willy. He runs the piano bar they all go to (and Santana works at). He doesn't really like theater, and finds the kids annoying, but hey, it's a living.

15. Simone Ashley

...as Katie. She rides a motorcycle, and frequents the piano bar, and Santana is obsessed with her the whole year. Santana finally figures out how to talk to her, and the two hook up, but Katie does not have time for Santana's bitchy shenanigans, and puts Santana in her place.

(I don't know why my brain wanted this to happen, but my brain wanted this to happen.)

16. Luke Newton

...as Colin, Elliot's younger, half-brother, whom he hasn't seen in years. He's in New York to try to reconnect with Elliot (and hey, why not form a new band and bond through music). Kurt hates him. Mostly because he's way too distracting to Penny, and my god, they have to get their script done!!

(See...tying it all together ;) ... also, things I never knew I needed - Luke Newton to work with Adam Lambert.)

17. ...and Julie Andrews

...as Kurt's Grandma Hummel. Because it's what Chris always wanted. :)

Alright, I know I didn't get everyone (Sorry Ruth Gemmell, I just couldn't think of anything!) But man, now I want/wish we had all of these things. :D

[meraki-yao]

RWRB Movie Thoughts: Philip

Honestly I might be the only one, but I wanna know more about Philip in the movie. And at the very least, I am begging for a redemption arc in the sequel.

Because they fucking cut the Kensington Breakfast scene, we barely get any of Philip in the movie. And the consequence is while we know that just like the book, Philip is an antagonistic character, we're not sure about his stance on the matter.

So the thing is Philip in the book isn't homophobic. And by that I mean that in the most generous sense: Queen Mary straight up says it's unnatural, which is the textbook definition of homophobia, but Philip says, and I quote from Henry "Essentially, I gathered that he was not surprised to discover I am not the heterosexual heir I'm supposed to be, but rather surprised that I do not intend to keep pretending to be the heterosexual heir I'm supposed to be" and from the man himself "I don't care if you're gay, I care that you've made this choice with him, someone with a fucking target on his back, to be so stupid and naive and selfish as to think it wouldn't completely fuck us all!"

Philip isn't necessarily against the concept of homosexuality, he's against bringing that into their family, and is worried about the conservatives turning their backs on them because of that. In a way, his stance is closer to the King in the movie than the Queen in the book.

Other stuff we can learn about Philip from the book:

he's...kind of racist, but in the form of microaggressions (his comments on Pez during Wimbleton)

He is genuinely in love with Martha, and he's kind of a hen-pucked husband (his retelling of his and Martha's suitor photos)

He started off a people pleaser, then the Queen took that and made him an asshole (explanation of why the change of attitude after Alex and Henry's photoshoot)

He wanted Arthur's approval but never got it, and resents Arthur a bit because of that (his argument with Henry before they met with the queen)

He wants to get along with his siblings, he just kept doing it the wrong way

My point is, even though a relatively minor character, Philip's motivations and character is actually painted out pretty logically if you take a closer look. His redemption in the book, his change of attitude, it makes sense if you looks back on it.

And while I can't fault the movie for cutting down details like these, this is just the way adaptation works and Matthew did an excellent job of picking and choosing, it does leave space for questions and curiosity.

The only thing I can get out of movie Philip is 1, he also loves his wife, since they're childhood sweethearts 2, the King dismisses him 3, he didn't know Henry was gay at all.

From the deleted Breakfast scene bts from Taylor and Thomas, we know that Philip is in that scene, and that Philip sees something, and is in shock.

Bur from the bts of the Thanksgiving scene, he and Martha are at the Brownstone: he's forgiven.

So here are my questions:

Is Philip homophobic in this one? Or is he also more mad about the family aspect?

Does he, at any point in the 65 deleted scenes, act like he wants to be a brother? Like he genuinely cares about his siblings

What is he reacting to during the Breakfast scene? In the book, when Henry came out to him it was just him, Henry and later Shaan, but the Breakfast has all of the Super Five there. Is he really gonna make a scene in front of all five of them?

Why is he forgiven? What is his change of heart?

I don't know, I think it's probably just me who's wondering about him of all people. But I would really like to see more of Thomas in this role (the photobooth shoots he did with Nick and Ellie, peak sibling energy) and I'm just really interested in Henry's family dynamic in the movie-verse, given that I feel like it's less black-and-white and more... realistic? than the book? There's also part of me that's somewhat sympathetic towards Philip despite being a Henry-coded girl because I feel like if I was a less feeling person, I might have ended up just like him.

Anyway, yeah. Philip redemption arc in the sequel please!!!

[xmycxx]

tattoo!artist ellie x reader (more headcannons)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Sketchbook hc's

A/N: This is just, general stuff i was thinking of bc y'all loved this AU and i finally have some time

Dates with tatto!artist ellie

i feel like ellie, specifically tattoo artist ellie wouldn't like the huge romantic dates like going to a fancy restaurant and overdressing for it

nah

she'd def take you to a fair and hold your hand on the rides you think are scary though

you mention you like a brand? she's subscribed to their mailing list so she knows when they have stuff on sale (bc she knows you hate spending more money than you have to) and takes you there

and you're still clueless, you just think she has some sort of magic intuiton for saving money

she prefers smaller, more meaningful dates, to the point where she'd much prefer watching a movie over at your house with a pizza over getting anxiety over going somewhere fancy

Gifts

The gays def know that getting tattoo's are fuckin EXPENSIVE

so ya girl is rich and basically fuckin loaded bc of it

in turn, once she gets comfortable, she love love LOVES spoiling you

"Babe," You called out, frowning in mild exasperation at the item in your room. It wasn't that you didn't appreciate the gesture. It was just that the top was 80. fucking. dollars.

"Yea?" Ellie asked, feigning innocence and following you in your room, grinning when she saw the t-shirt in your hands. "Fits?"

"Ellie, it's almost the same price as the headphones i use," You argued, a little exasperated with this. She rolled her eyes, grinning and coming to place her hands on your hips.

"C'mon, try it on?" She asked, unfazed as you shook your head.

"Please? For me?"

By god, she could get you to do anything by just saying that. You did as she asked, and you loved it. You never would've bought it for yourself, but when you modelled it for Ellie, her smile was worth more than 3 of those tops.

You don't really go for the more expensive gifts, knowing Ellie prolly won't appreciate them much

handmade! gifts!

like, let's say you gave her a handmade bracelet or something

or like, a gimmick (gonna use a personal example here)

your friend has some spare clay or something, so you take a chunk and model it into something you knOW is super super dumb

you take the dimensions of her fav tattoo pen and make a lil snake or sm to wrap around it and make it with huge googley eyes bc it looks so creepy and weird it's hilarious

you give it to her, trying your hardest not to laugh

she finds it fuckin HILARIOUS

she doesn't use it in the shop, scared of being called a simp

instead finds a marker she uses for sketching and puts it on that, it's her favorite marker now

Affection? hugs? kisses? awkward?

i feel like ellie is not very big on pda when you first start out

like very hesitant, doesn't want to cross any lines

if you're more affectionate, she still keeps you at arms distance until she's sure she wants to indulge you

if you're not affectionate like me then it actually works for her, she slowly initiates the affection

i think she'd love hand holding the most

espECIALLY when you trace her tattoos or her lil callouses on her hands

ugh she meLTS

not huge on the PDA, like the mandatory cheek kisses, forehead pecks etc.

if you're huge on it, welcomes it with open arms

if you're not, goes for the basic linking pinkies

you actually asked her once why she doesn't like it that much

"why do i need to show other people you're mine? I mean, I'm pretty secure in the fact that you're my girlfriend, why does the rando across the street need to see my tongue down your throat to get that?"

you choked on your drink at that answer

however, that attitude takes a 180 turn when she's jealous

A/N: Give me headcannons for jealous ellie, i have nOne. Also, what do y'all think of this?

[accirax]

initial thoughts on DCAS episode 11

oh my god

i had already guessed that Alec was lying (much like Jake did), but this was a really nice explanatory touch! Alec and Riya's friendship is, as usual, one of the season highlights for me.

would've been a lot more interesting if the campers could have chosen their own partners in one way or another, imo, but that would definitely eat up a lot of time in an already packed episode. plus, some pairings (like Connor and Riya) probably couldn't have happened this way, given how Riya wound up reacting to Connor.

"alright Fiore, here's how we prevent you from going home this week," one could say.

i was SO worried that Alec was going to have another confessional at some point being like "lol i was testing my acting skills on Fiore too" but he DIDN'T. which means this is CANON. THE ADOPTION IS BACK ON!!!!!!!!

okay, i actually love the decision to pair Hunter and Grett together here. both of them are the "very flawed but kinda mistreated partner of their appearances-obsessed date," so it makes sense that Hunter could give Grett a good perspective on this. also, is it just me, or did they rework Hunter's personality in this episode to be more like S2? i liked it.

i'm going to put every Fiore and Alec moment in this post and you can't stop me. i am initially thinking about them.

"joke's on you fucker i didn't teach her literally any of this. she's just built different."

as much as i enjoy Alec appreciating his daughter's sass, this does seem like a pretty radical heel turn from "i only voted Connor out of this game because it was what was best for him." i guess maybe spending time with Riya and the other villains has caused Alec to fall further off the deep end/forget about Connor's genuinely nice qualities...? or it's inconsistency between different writers, who knows.

i am 0% a jul(?) shipper, but, damn, the jul shippers were eating well this episode.

Yul is such an interesting little guy.

James flexing his character arc, we love to see it.

WHAT IS IT WITH THE CYAN WOMEN AND SECRETLY BEING JACKED????

society..... it's becoming more utopian........

see, this is why i didn't think Tess would be the one to return to the game.

Aiden is such a hater, i love him. but, overall, i agree with Lake. we're definitely sowing the seeds for a Jake redemption(/winner?) arc and a heroes' reunion.

Riya, finally finishing what she started in S2 of making the gays fall off cliffs.

villains are so fun. i love villains.

THE SOFT DAD SMILE IS BACK :D

ooh, nice callback.

this is an objectively funny screenshot. why does Alec yell like that

what a surprising outcome! (/s /lh)

:,) <3

i wish Aiden and James had more of an opportunity to talk during this episode :/ it's fine, though-- i think that James and Lake's characters were used more effectively this way.

they're getting back together after this trust me guys i'm disventure camp

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY

they truly are family now. i love it.

"not that bad" is a weird way to describe your would-be crush.

this will be a fun scene! idk which episode "Saturday" will be, though. both because idk how many days will pass in any given episode and also bc i don't recall which day today is in canon.

i do wonder what evil Gabby is doing here. i guess maybe it'll just be the side of Gabby that wants to run with the villains alliance for power vs the side that wants to follow Ellie's advice? that seems kind of weird. maybe it'll be more like the side that wants to go mad with power on the revenge quest vs Gabby's more rational and strategic side? either way, strange cliffhanger.

can't we just have everyone here... always... all the time...? no? okay :( well, it was still really nice to get the whole gang back together for this episode. i'll look forward to seeing them again in the finale.

and, hey, Connor's back in the game now! and he can't be eliminated next episode, at least. are there going to be three players with immunity...? that could get spicy. we'll see how the heroes and villains smack down when the next real elimination rolls around. back up to ten to nine again... see you next time!

[nerdygaymormon]

Favorite LGBTQ movie and TV quotes

“Um, I do drink red wine, but I also drink white wine. And I’ve been known to sample the occasional rosé. And a couple summers back, I tried a Merlot that used to be a Chardonnay, which got a bit complicated… I like the wine and not the label. Does that make sense?”

— David Rose, Schitt’s Creek, Season 1, Episode 10

“That felt so good to say. I feel like I just solved an escape room I’ve been trapped in my entire life.”

— Fabiola Torres, Never Have I Ever, Season 1, Episode 5

“Look, I’ll be hurt either way. Isn’t it better to be who I am?”

— Eric Effiong, Sex Education, Season 1, Episode 7

“Everybody’s story is different. There’s your version, and my version, and everything in between. But the one thing that all of those stories have in common is that moment right before you say those words when your heart is racing, and you don’t know what’s coming next. That moment’s really terrifying. And then once you say those words, you can’t unsay them. A chapter has ended, and a new one’s begun, and you have to be ready for that.”

— John, Happiest Season

“The good thing about being different is that no one expects you to be like them”

— Ellie Chu, The Half Of It

"When I'm with Brittany, I finally understand what people are talking about when they talk about love. I've tried so hard to push this feeling away, and keep it locked inside, but every day just feels like a war. I walk around so mad at the world, but I'm really just fighting with myself. I don't want to fight anymore. I'm just too tired. I have to just be me."

— Santana Lopez, Glee, Season 3, Episode 7

“Now, there is a long and honorable tradition in the gay community, and it has stood us in good stead for a very long time. When somebody calls you a name…you take it and own it.”

— Mark Ashton, Pride

“So I'm bisexual. So what? It's LGBTQ for a reason. There's a B in there and it doesn't mean Badass. Okay, it does, but it also means Bi.”

— Callie Torres, Grey's Anatomy, Episode 1105

“We’re standing here in Philadelphia, the, uh, City of Brotherly Love, the birthplace of freedom where the, uh, founding fathers authored the Declaration of Independence, and I don’t recall that glorious document saying anything about all straight men are created equal. I believe it says all men are created equal.”

— Joe Miller, Philadelphia

"Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man. Yes, I'm a middle- aged fag. But I know who I am, Val. It took me twenty years to get here, and I'm not gonna let some idiot senator destroy that. F*** the senator, I don't give a damn what he thinks."

— Armand Goldman, The Birdcage

"Being gay is your thing. There are parts of it you have to go through alone. I hate that. As soon as you came out, you said, "Mom, I'm still me." I need you to hear this: You are still you, Simon. You are still the same son who I love to tease and who your father depends on for just about everything. And you're the same brother who always complements his sister on her food, even when it sucks. You get to exhale now, Simon. You get to be more you than you have been in... in a very long time. You deserve everything you want."

— Emily Spier, Love, Simon

"The greatest gift we can give each other is our authentic selves and sharing that. Sharing our truth is what will make us strong. So here I am. I am both human and alien. And I am a trans woman."

— Kara Danvers, Supergirl, Season 4, Episode 19

"But I feel more when I look at a picture of Kristen Stewart than I do when I kiss him."

— Elena Alvarez, One Day at a Time,

"You can’t change it. You can’t fix me. Because I’m not broken, I don’t need to be fixed, OK? I’m me!"

— Ian Gallagher, Shameless, Season 5, Episode 12

"Becoming me was the greatest creative project of my life."

Eliot Waugh, The Magicians, Season 1, Episode 1

"Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place. So, thank you."

—Raymond Holt, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 5, Episode 10

"I might be…bisexual, and you guys know I hate labels, but this one feels important right now to own the space I’m in and to make sense of it."

—Kat Edison, The Bold Type