#i'll try to get up an about page and a wanted connections page soon

[keyotos]

he does it so well

summary ⎯ hot things they do.

includes ⎯ dan heng, gepard, blade, sampo, & jing yuan.

tana's words ⎯ struggling with writing requests rn so i wrote something short to clear writer's block. im sorry guys i'll get to them soon i promise 😭

dan heng

⎯ waits for you before turning the page on a book. he notices that you are reading along with him and waits for you to signal that you're ready before carrying on.

⎯ private > public. he will brush your hand in public but he will be all over you in private. instead of only brushing your hand, dan heng will be brushing up on you. more touchy in private than in public.

⎯ pushes the hair out of your face when it's getting in your way. but he does it in a more sensual way. his fingers graze your lips as he agonizingly drags his hand through your hair.

⎯ long day? melts into your body at night. runs his hands up and down your arms as a way to relieve stress?? leans his head into your neck and sighs so dreamily??? like hello?? lips grazing your neck???

⎯ hot morning voice. raspy and rough. also kind of scratchy. when he tells you, "five more minutes," how could you say no to THAT voice? he knows of this effect and makes sure to use it to his full advantage

⎯ very observant. knows everything you like; knows your routines; knows you. he's the first to compliment you if you got a haircut or new outfit/nails/whatever. it always make you blush bc how is he always the first one to figure these things out?!?@#$%

⎯ gets jealous a little too easily. doesn't do anything verbal about it. opts for being a little more touchy than usual. he thinks it's embarrassing and he wants to hide his face into his pillow when you tease him about it.

⎯ lip biter. not when y'all are kissing, but when he tries to hide his smile or his laugh he bites his lip. you find it so cute and you just want to grab him and just connect your lips with his.

⎯ nerd. hot sexy nerd. he'll tell you about animals and mitosis and python and he's just so intelligent. helps you with problem solving things (probably puzzles idk) and he stands/leans over you with his breath dancing on the back of your neck.

⎯ jawline kisser. if he wants something from you he gives chaste kisses to your jawline. he does that when he's bored too ig. very big on jaw kisses and secretly loves when you flush because of them.

gepard

⎯ blushes when you compliment him. he looks so adorable you just wanna pinch his cheeks and smother him. he gets even more embarrassed

⎯ big domestic guy. ntm on casual stuff or situationships. if he wants you, he'll let you know (even if he's blushing his way through it).

⎯ he is not shy. in the beginning he might be a little shy, but later on the relationship he'll get bolder. chaste kisses on the lips becomes long make-out sessions on his bed after a rather tiring day on the front lines. and if he hasn't seen you in a while... i will let you guys interpret.

⎯ leans down to listen to you. he's literally gigantic and when he LEANS DOWN just to hear what you say... and it's so innocent too but the way you look up at him doesn't make it so innocent anymore...

⎯ pins you to the wall on accident. may or may not be inspired by teenage dream. anyway, he does a lot of hot things on accident and doesn't even realize it. so you are trying not to explode while gepard is enjoying his merry day while caging you underneath him.

⎯ acts like a knight since u always make jokes that he's your "knight in shining armor." so dedicated that he kisses your knuckles out of nowhere and it makes you want to FAINT. like you could be reading and (out of nowhere) he takes your hand away from your book and kisses ur knuckles. AND HE HOLDS EYE CONTACT WHILE DOING IT.

⎯ flirty without knowing it. says something cute and flirty but doesn't realize it until you say something. and he says it so calmly too; like drops it into a convo

⎯ runs a hand through your hair before you two sleep. he just wants to keep you close and he just wants to feel you because he never gets to come home often.

⎯ ROLLS UP. HIS SLEEVES. TO HIS FOREARMS. he does this when he's particularly stressed. like come here i can show you a way to destress (i'm so sorry).

blade

⎯ he's only shirtless when YOU are around. he trusts you enough to show all of himself around you. you are reliable and trustworthy enough to be able to know the entirety of him: his body, his mind, his past, etc.

⎯ intensely loyal to you. like if he had to choose between the world and you he would obviously choose you. would do anything for you, would buy anything for you, would steal anything for you: you guys get the gist.

⎯ he's so loving only towards you. silver wolf and kafka like to tease him for it (especially silver wolf... bc how can he play a game with you and not her). he does little things for you, like picking lint off of your outfit or pulling your hair back when you're eating something. or pulling your hair back when you're doing something...

⎯ LOVES when you wear his clothing. his shirt his jacket ANYTHING. whatever it is, he will be going crazy for it. has a thing for when you wear his shirts; you just look so good and you're wearing something that's HIS. not anyone else's; HIS SHIRT.

⎯ has a little possessive streak. it's not a weird and overprotective possessive thing tho. more so, "no silver wolf you are not going to force them to play games with you." maybe it's more overprotective than possessive, but secretly he wants you all to himself and he does NOT want to share.

⎯ speaking of being overprotective, he is also just regular protective. he walks on the side near the road so you don't have to. he grabs your arm to pull you away from something dangerous. he shields you so he'll get hit before you. yk, cute stuff like that. your safety is his priority, no matter what.

⎯ he is the type to be like, "who did this to you??" and he WILL be hunting that person down. but not without urgently caring for you first.

⎯ his touch is so filled with emotion, genuineness, earnestness, and sincere. i hc that blade doesn't have much relationship experience and he isn't very wordy, so when he hugs you or touches you, all of his emotions are poured into his hands/fingers/etc. all of what he feels for you (which is very much) is shown in his physical touch.

sampo

⎯ MANSPREADS. i said it. HE IS A MANSPREADER. elbows resting on top of his knees as he says something super coy or flirty towards you, and sometimes you even have to PHYSICALLY avert your eyes away.

⎯ a tease. if you lean in for a kiss, he'll lean backwards. if he's missing you, his fingertips will dance along the bare skin of your sides, and then he'll pull away to make you want him as much as he wants you. he is so INFURIATING.

⎯ if he flusters you and you blush n try to cover your face with something (literally anything), he'll grab whatever you're holding so he could see your face. to him, you look the prettiest when you're smiley and flustered, such as in those situations.

⎯ if you're going on a long tangent about something, he'll kiss you on your lips randomly. he doesn't mind your rambling, he thinks it's adorable, which is why he does it. it always leaves you with your jaw dropped before you could continue what you were saying.

⎯ the type to lock himself in a closet with you but on accident. you guys don't know how you two even got into that situation, but sampo is with you, so he couldn't be happier. big quality time guy.

⎯ brings you little trinkets or gifts based on his "business" adventures. whenever he sees something, he gets it for you. his mind is usually racing about you anyway, so he can't help himself when he develops a spending problem because of you

⎯ sings with you to songs. you could be singing in the shower and then you hear this agitating, grating voice. he's a terrible singer, but he'll do anything as long as you're there with him, so he sings with you anyway.

jing yuan

⎯ wakes up and the first thing he does is admire you. he studies every single one of your facial features, acting as if he's never seen them before when he wakes up to your face every day. he finds beauty all around you: in your sleeping face, on the bridge of your nose, the pout of your lips when you're asleep. he just loves all of you.

⎯ a flirt and PROUD. he's bold with his quips. not afraid of initiating affection in public but he prefers private which i think is much sexier.

⎯ neck kisser. heavy on neck kisses (especially in the morning). practically an entire body kisser tbh. he can't get enough of you, and in a world where loneliness strives (immortality), he's grateful that he has you for the time being.

⎯ grabs your chin and tilts your head up if he wants you. he doesn't do it forcefully, more like a gentle smush. he locks eyes with you and omfg it makes your heart beat sm. like why are you looking at me LIKE THAT. so sensually or whateva....

⎯ urges you to come closer to him so he can whisper something in your ear. when do you come closer to him, he pulls you by the waist and gets super close to your ear. like lips brushing your ear. and he blows a raspberry in it. so stupid but too lovable.

⎯ lies down in your lap if you two are lounging together. since he's so busy, he doesn't get to lounge around often, so he likes to be as close to you as possible.

⎯ if he wants to kiss you, you will know. not because he'll tell you. but because of the specific LOOK he gives you. his eyes are narrowed under the spell of seduction, focusing only on your lips. his mouth is slightly parted like he is ready to kiss you, and the way he tilts his head down...

⎯ patient for you. will wait for you even when he is dying to feel you once again. he has to deal with yanqing so he holds a lot of patience. but he won't rush you with anything, lets you move at your own pace, and gives you help if needed. overall sweet guy.

i hope this motivates me into finishing my requests

[adorastarot]

What will change after the 14/10/23 eclipse in Libra? PAC tarot reading

Hi loveliessss! I have basically spent 2/3hrs on this reading because the energies are just insanely INTENSE today!🌒🌕 This reading will cover the changes that will come into your life after today's eclipse but also cover what's been happening in the present.

“This eclipse is in the sign of Libra and alignment with the South Node of Destiny, so we may be releasing outdated perspectives and bringing in new ones — particularly in relationships”

How to choose a pile: Take a deep breath and close your eyes. Ask the universe if there is a message that you need to hear right now. You may either hear a number or be drawn to a pack once you open your eyes!

If the message doesn't resonate then it may not be for you.

♡ Private readings and extended readings are available - Check out my Ko-fi (Exclusive Eclipse reading available over the next 24hrs)

🌕🌒🌕🌒LET'S GET TO IT🌒🌕🌒🌕

Ok so my dear pile number 1, as soon as I tried to tune in with your energies I felt my hands go really cold and my chest go warm. The picture chosen for this pile is perfect because that’s how I felt as I connected, the air is cold and the temperatures have dropped but your heart is warm and there is a cosiness in the air as winter approaches. As the cards started to come out, suddenly I was surrounded by noise and I started to panic a little bit. This tells me (even without any cards) that there may be a lot of people in your life right now trying to speak up and share their opinion uninvited and you need to tell them to take care of their own business instead of worrying about yours. Also the songs “I was happy for a while” by Blackbear just came to my mind.

"Cause when I think of us, I always seem to smile 'Cause I was happy for a while, I was happy for a while, yeah And sometimes, love will leave you even when it's right But I was happy for a while, and I don't know how I'll smile again"

Ok, let’s get down to the cards and see if we can make sense of all of these messages that I am getting with the help of the cards ahahaha

2 of swords, the devil, 5 of pentacles, 4 of pentacles, page o cups and 6 of cups

You may have had to make a very hard decision in regards to love, this can be romantic love, friendship but also family! You have made a decision recently ( in the past month) that took a toll on you and it was a very hard boundary for you to add to your life. It seems like this past relationship could have cost you a lot?! Whether it is time or money, and you didn’t want to be bound to this person in a way that felt unhealthy and one-sided. However, it could be that you have been keeping these things a secret from those around you and because no one knows what truly happened, an what this person truly did to you, they are all trying to drill some sense into you or just making a lot of noisy about a situation that they know nothing about. This has been painful for you because you still care a lot about this person, but you know it is best right now to add some distance to your relationship. This eclipse is going to allow you to shut everyone down! It is going to enable you to tell others to back off and focus on yourself again and your own opinions and needs instead of feeling pressured. This is likely to have been an ongoing cycle in your life which you are finally getting rid of after this eclipse. It’s time to focus on connections that allow you to shine instead of those that keep you isolated. If people from the past try to come back into your life, embrace them with open arms instead of being scared. Reflect on the connection of the past whilst enlightening them on the person that you have become. Friends come and go, but they can always come back after.

Pile 2 my lovelies! As soon as I connected with your pile, I felt very nervous…or anxious for what is to come.  I also felt a strong pain in my neck and my head. Whatever it is that you are worried about, it’s not worth you sacrificing your physical well-being over! It’s time to take care of your emotional well-being instead and you will see that things will fall into place a little bit better. I feel like a star is being born with your amazing energy right now - you are finally becoming who you are meant to be…can you feel it? Do you see and feel the changes that have been happening? I don’t know but today music is just coming to me?! So the lyrics that came through for you are Up&Up by Coldplay, in particular:

“See a pearl form, a diamond in the rough See a bird soaring high above the flood It's in your blood, it's in your blood Underneath the storm an umbrella is saying "Sitting with the poison takes away the pain" Up and up, up and up it's saying”

The empress, the sun, the fool, 6 of pentacles, 9 of cups, 2 of cups

OMG I WANT TO CRY - ok ok. You have been sitting with blame and feeling guilty for way too long. Do you think that sitting with guilt will make it go away? Do you think that you deserve to be in pain because of things that you probably haven’t even done and aren’t guilty of doing? No!!! Being in this pain is not helping you at all nor is it helping your situation. Little star, this eclipse is going to be your breakthrough. It is going to be your chance to shine bright and the universe is going to throw you back into your destined path because you are worthy of so much more than you are letting yourself experience right now. You have so much light in you and you need to find it. Be more spontaneous and focus on doing the things that you want to do - there is no wrong answer. Right now you only have yourself to blame for the way your life is - but you don’t even deserve it! You are guilt-tripping yourself out of success and even love. Within the next year I feel like your soulmate is going to come into your life so you need to get back on track to success. Protect yourself and your energy, sometimes taking the first step is enough, you don’t need to complete the whole journey straight away. Allow things to fall apart right now and trust that nothing can touch your energy apart from yourself. Choose to protect your energy.

Ahhh I had to take a break before starting pile 3 because pile 2 really killed me energetically! Ahahaaha, but so welcome everyone to pile 3 and thank you for being here! If I was going to describe this pile with 1 word it would be - HOPE! You guys are all hopeful and may recently have started wearing either warmer colour or warmed-toned colours and surrounding yourselves with these colours too. However, there is a lot of coldness as well surrounding you and it feels like you are trying to be hopeful regardless of all of the bad things that have happened and most of them do seem to be in regards to your love life. Your song my dear pile 3 is IDK yet by Alexander 23, in particular, the lyrics:

“How can you miss someone you've never met? 'Cause I need you now, but I don't know you yet But can you find me soon because I'm in my head? Yeah, I need you now, but I don't know you yet”

7 of wands, 5 of cups, 2 of cups, 2 of pentacles, 2 of wands

Pile 3, my heart is crying for you, I am not sure this is recent, it feels like it’s been ongoing for years to say the least but you have been hurt so much in the meanest ways imaginable. I feel like you invest in relationships and in people very easily - almost blindly. You invest everything that you have and you easily imagine a future with these people but then…they all somehow end up disappointing you which makes you wonder if it’s you? Why do these people keep disappointing, is it you? What are you doing wrong and how can you change it? You are starting to be hopeful about romance again though, trying to get out of the hopeless energy and hoping knowing that there is someone out there for you. If this is not romantic then you may still be on the lookout or a platonic soulmate who won’t stab you in the back. After this eclipse, you will be able to find the balance between giving too much of yourself away and hiding away from new people. You have not been able to balance yourself yet but after today it will come easily to you and you will allow yourself to move forward and get rid of that cold energy around you - choosing instead to leave it in the past.

All the love🌕

[ir-abelas-vhenan]

Losing my Mind over Veilguard 4/??

I think what's killing me the most is this "have your cake and eat it, too" mentality EA-as-Bioware has ushered in with this game.

To try and perfectly walk the line of giving old fans what they wanted/deserved and new fans something to just jump into was a tall fucking order given that they fired so many writers, and I personally feel like they fell way short.

Part of that, I think, comes from the fact that while it's certainly helpful to play Origins and then DA2 before you reach Inquisition (I'm speaking as someone who played the games backwards), I don't think Inquisition left off as a complete story the way the first two did. We had a world on the brink and pieces on the board that had so much personal stake in staying on it until Solas was handled. We had, whether the head devs wants to accept their failures regarding it or not, an entire Keep of previous choices that could have and should have informed the world going forward. I'm not saying it was sustainable to keep raising the stakes on those choices. I am saying, however, that with the time it took to get this game to us, more than three sanitized choices deserved to matter before Bioware closed the chapter on its strongest line of storytelling and moved on to RPG Lite. To give that up, to choose a new and uncertain fan base over an already dedicated one, is disappointing.

And to that end, even if we weren't going to get the Inquisitor again (which, at this point, I'm kind of thinking we should have, even if just for parts of it), I had near-constant exhaustion finding a shred of story that connected us to the previous games and then realizing it had been done in an unsatisfying way (hi, Dorian/Isabella/MORRIGAN).

I wouldn't have cared if this had been its own standalone game. There were parts of it I enjoyed, and I'm sure I'll be here shouting about those things too, soon enough. But the fact is that for every thing I appreciate about the game there are about ten more that make me mourn the nine years I spent eager to see what was coming next.

TLDR: You cannot show me a watered-down game that stands on the shoulders of stronger writing, plot, narrative, characters, etc. and the built world and depth of three previous games and multiple supplementary written works, and then expect me to be wholly accepting of the result. Veilguard gutted the rich body of work that came before it, threw enough bone shrapnel into the mix to keep people desperate to see a conclusion to events that had been building up for in-game years hanging on, and then discarded the rest with a casual sort of "deal with it, we're making way for the new" attitude.

Welcome to the new, I guess.

I intentionally waited a few days after finishing the game to sift through everything and not just rage-post immediately, so hopefully this comes across as relatable to those on a similar page and not as me telling you that you should hate the game too if you in fact are very happy with it. (Put another way: I'm not here to change minds, I'm here to scream into the ether)

[steamberrystudio]

31/12/2023 Devlog

Hey everyone! Time for the bi-weekly tumblr update for Steamberry stuff! Except I skipped one because I can't remember why.

I half-wrote it but I think I just wasn't feeling up to finishing and posting.

I haven't been doing extremely well health-wise lately but still powering through.

Summary

Finished writing Chapter 5.5 (the new chapter in WSC)

Finished editing Chapters 6, 7, and 8 of Asher's path

Finished all the profiles for the GS lore book

Have started wrapping up the "side stories" and additional content for the GS lore book

Ramble

Okay so in my last update I was in the middle of editing chapter 5 and was nearly to the start of chapter six in editing Asher's route. I finished up chapter 5...

At that point when I was looking ahead, I started feeling like I wanted to add in a transition scene to move between Chapter 5 and Chapter 6.

As I started plotting out this scene, one of my ideas took on a life of its own and I realised that it might be better to interject a new, fleshed out story incident that would allow me to slow the pacing as well as flesh out the setting and universe a little more. This incident would also let me tie into some earlier events and connect them to something that occurs in chapter 6, also foreshadowing the chapter 6 incident.

Ultimately, this became too much to call a "scene" and I decided to branch it off into a supplementary chapter (IE a chapter a bit shorter than the others and meant to be released along with another chapter.)

Then that chapter ended up being 30,000 words.

So that happened.

After finishing that I went on to finish editing chapters 6, 7, and 8. I am currently on chapter 9. I only have a few more chapters before I'm finished editing Asher's path. As always, during my edits, one of the main things I do is flesh things out.

So obviously the word count has grown from that (and, you know, the 30k extra chapter I invented).

Currently the word count is 468,000 words.

Other Stuff:

I have received several new BGs and a new BG sketch. BGs are continuing to come in at a fairly steady pace.

I now have all the BGs for The Ophelia and the artists are working on other locations finally. OwO

I've also been, here and there, doing small tweaks to the sprites, small additions and fixes.

Gilded Shadows:

As I mentioned, I finally got through all the character profiles. There are so many more characters than I remembered in this game.

Then I got halfway through and realised that I forgot five. And had to insert them, which...meant rearranging pages, which is a pain in the butt. However, that is now complete.

What I'm working on now is finishing up some of the short stories and drabbles I have planned or partially written out and getting them into the lore book. 

As well as gathering any other content. The lore book is currently about 350 pages. And I am really hoping to wrap it up soon.

Upcoming Weeks:

Next couple of weeks I will be trying to wrap up the lore book and wrap up editing Asher's Path.

When I finish editing Asher's path I'll be moving on to finish drafting the end sequences for the four remaining characters. I'm starting to have an idea of where the word count is going to end up but will have a better idea for sure when Asher's edit is complete.

I have written over 100,000 words since mid-August, just plugging away and trying to hit at least 1000 words a day.

I hit my year end word count goal of 466,000 words for When Stars Collide but unfortunately did not finish the draft because the draft has grown in size.

But I am really hoping to finish it early next year so we can fully move into phase 2 of When Stars Collide.

I am also hoping to get the final KS stuff resolved for Gilded Shadows early next year as well (the lore book, art book, and some residual art and stuff).

For now, I shall just keep plucking away at it until it's all done.

And that is all for now. I will see you all next year.

[davekat-sucks]

Its not often I participate in online arguments... or ever... but just this once, I'll throw my hat in the ring. You right, DaveKat is not a good ship at all. I'm a new Homestuck reader (currently at page 4488). I'll never ever get into the sequel stuff of Homestuck bc of the horror stories I've heard of it but even then, when I heard DaveKat as a ship I was like, "Huh??? That's a ship??? and its popular??????" because I don't see the vision. Dave and Karkat have no chemistry like what is their relationship like?? Karkat going on his millionth rant that day and Dave pissing on him for it like??? AND there isn't any build up to it to which I heard it was forced upon. Like for what? For what purpose?? But you know what I do like? DaveJade. I'm a big DaveJade fan. Not only do they have a lot of chemistry but like their dynamic, the contrast between the silliness of Jade and the cool guy Dave is SO fun and SO SO cute. Also Also, Dave and Jade's relationship just feels so real to me. Like I think Jade is like the only person Dave really enjoys talking with other than y'know, Rose and John. iirc (bc its been a while since I continued reading HS) the only time Dave smirked while talking to someone was with Jade on page 382 (which I only found out ta'day :0) and no doubt in my mind Dave was excited to meet Jade when she finally got into the medium and helped her out finding the frogs on her planet. I also think that Jade would be a very supportive figure for Dave givin his insecurities about himself, that at least she thinks Dave is very cool even when he thinks otherwise. Another thing, Jade did not have to go out there dressed all fancy n crap like for who you so fancy for? DAVE OBVIOUSLY!!! Also seeing art of Dave trying so hard to keep his cool around Jade is so cute and funny DaveJade is just so CUTE GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love DaveJade :)

Also I ship Karkat and Terezi bc they have a very funny dynamic lol (I think what sold me on DaveJade was this album art from Vol 8 LOOK HOW CUTE THEY ARE!!!!)

Dave and Jade could really help and support each other. Jade wants to see the outside world and gain connections with people as Dave learns to open himself more and know he can be vulnerable at times with those he care for so that he can have confidence to still be strong and cool in his own way. Both of them can be out to do whatever they want together. If not just them, then with friends too. See the world they have never saw before when they were stuck at home (get it? Cuz Homestuck lmao). I think some of the Homestuck pairings was suppose to be this. Couples that not only have great chemistry, but also ones that can help grow and mature as people for the new universe they would eventually live in. And it's that support that would soon lead to be with their friends to rise and stand up whatever is facing them. It's why DaveJade works. I don't see it working with Davekat. Most fanon I see has them kind of stationary. Never changing to be something else. Even now, they are just depicted as people that stay the same and too nervous to grow out from their comfort zone.

[mellodillo]

Get on in!!!

With Twitter, the home of my largest audience, swirling the drain due to a billionaire manchild's midlife crisis, I realized I need to get my work posted somewhere that isn't at the mercy of social media. So, I'm once again working on my Neocities page!

There's...not a ton there right now, but one of the more notable features of the site is that it's the easiest place to read my webcomic, Hedgehog's Dilemma! I'll still post and tag updates here on Tumblr, but the site is definitely the place to go to read, if only because it beats trying to scroll through the tag to get up to speed.

I also have a little blog on there that I update from time to time with my random thoughts. There's not really much purpose to it beyond that! It's just a blog for me, really.

Down the road I might connect the site to like...Disqus or something similar so people can comment on my comics if they want, but I don't know. It doesn't really feel like a necessary feature, and if people have questions or comments about it they can message me on here or at my Patreon if they wish to do so.

Anyway. It's a little rough around the edges still, but I am hoping to add much more soon! I'd like to add a little art gallery page, and maybe some other fun little things as well. We'll see!

Also if you have a Neocities account, give me a follow on there! I wanna find some other sites on there that I can follow as well!

[dynared]

The Voltron movie is finally moving forward with filming dates confirmed, sets being built, and a cast being rounded out, with a mostly unknown newcomer and Henry Cavill, fresh off of bashing his head into a glass ceiling trying to get a Warhammer 40k series going at Amazon. (I would not be surprised if that project stalled out and he was offered a lead role in Voltron as a compensation prize so he can earn some money).

And for reasons I'll never fully comprehend, I'm back on the Hopium that this will be a standout example of a Western-made mecha property, combining Japanese-style super robots with Hollywood budgets to create a billion-dollar hit at the box office.

This is after the West's near endless stream of failures at the genre, usually doomed by writers up their own asses who view anything with robots more complicated than a refrigerator with two legs and some guns as a glorified toy commercial and therefore immoral and needing to be changed. Take for instance Legendary Defender's writers admitting in interviews they fought to use Voltron less, hence the show bombing and WEP happy to erase it from the collective internet (as it deserves). Or gen:Lock writing in the first page of its artbook and inscribing in a plaque above the head writer's office "This show is about the characters". Its production company, Rooster Teeth, ceased operations in May, and while its sister show RWBY was sold to Viz Media for future use, gen:Lock is still for sale from Warner Bros, although I don't see anyone coming out to buy it.

So far, Amazon MGM and WEP, Inc are doing all the right things for this movie, whether purposefully or coincidentally. They're letting the rights to Legendary Defender on Netflix expire two years before the movie's targeted release date of 2026 so the show vanishes from the internet and none of the actors, directors, or crew have to hear the phrases "Klance", "Sheith", "fiction affects reality", or "Gays In Space." They're hiring Henry Cavill, a guy who still has a fair amount of sympathy from the general public for his ill-fated roles as Superman (being caught square in the Snyder drama) and Geralt of Rivera (where the longtime fan of The Witcher books and games objected to the considerable liberties taken by the show's writers and was shown the door), which as a bonus for Bob Koplar, will probably attract the Snyderbros to the super robot movie and provide a very different tenor to the fandom than VLD had, chasing that rapidly dwindling fandom out the door. Bob Koplar has spoken repeatedly at VoltCon conventions about wanting to capture the spirit of the original 80s series while repeatedly expressing distaste for Legendary Defender.

The main issues at this point are "What is the plot?" and "How big is the budget?" The rumor as per those same VoltCon panels where Koplar flat out said Dreamworks "did not get Voltron" is that we will be getting five new characters, rather than the usual crew of Keith, Lance, Pidge, Hunk, Allura, and Sven/Shiro. I'm all in favor of this because it means one less connection to Legendary Defender, but it also probably means the movie will be about an alien invasion of Earth with our super robot the only thing able to repel the invaders. As for the budget, we don't know that either, but given that the rights started a bidding war between Amazon MGM as well as other big companies like Warner Bros, Paramount, and Universal (Netflix was reportedly uninterested because of how badly VLD went) as well as reports from Australia citing shortages of set builders because of the high demand for them at the Voltron set, we could potentially be looking at a blockbuster with a blockbuster budget.

I'll guess we'll know soon. Filming is scheduled, as per Production List to begin at the end of December, which means over the next two months we'll probably see the rest of the cast rounded out and get a hard number for the budget. But there might be a reason to hope that the series is a super robot movie that the West deserves, and not another VLD or gen:Lock styled trainwreck from writers who don't get it.

[evaglass]

Speculation about Mizu's parents pt. 5

I know. I'm sorry this is long, but I promise to get through it soon.

So Mizu's father. I think he was the Japanese, and not only that, but he was probably someone important. Remember, the bounty on Mizu was implied to be so high that little can resist it, and the way that Fowler refers to Mizu as "Little Miss" if you turn on the subtitles on Netflix both first letters of the term are capitalized, like it's an important title.

I want to talk about episode 3 now, specifically when we see Mizu as a baby

Remember the two men who were tasked to kill Mizu as a baby, but one of them stopped the other from doing so. Well, if you look for the IMDb page for this episode, it lists the two voice actors for the two men:

You know who else they voice?

The Shogun's sons

Now, I don't think the two men in the beginning are actually the Shogun's sons, but they could be the late Shogun's relatives, maybe even his brothers trying to get of evidence that the Shogun broke his own rules, because I do think the late Shogun was Mizu's father.

Also, keep in mind that there's most likely going to be more historical events referenced in the show in the future. Considering the show takes place in 1657, and Fowler stated that they arrived 20 years prior to that date, and Mizu is canonically 19 years old, meaning she was born around 1637-1638 around the same time the Shimabara Rebellion was going against the Shogunate. Needless to say, it was probably a pretty stressful time for the Shogun as he most likely sent forces to subdue the rebellion and had to hide the fact that he had a mixed-raced child.

I assume the four white men, along with the two men shown in the beginning of episode 3, were sent to kill Mizu as a baby, hence why the fire broke out, connecting to what Fowler said "don't you want to know which one tried to burn you as a baby?"

The four white men could have also been sent to prove their loyalty as historically it is speculated that the Shimabara Rebellion was fueled by Portuguese traders due to the affiliation with catholism. After the rebellion was defeated, the Portugal, one of the two European countries legally allowed to trade with Japan during the isolation period, was barred from trading. The only other European country that was also legally allowed to trade with Japan was the Netherlands, which was the allowed to still trade from then and there because they helped the Shogunate subdue the rebellion, and agreed to the trading conditions.

I also want to point out that in episode 8, when Fowler meets with the Shogun's sons, he states that he helped the Shogun become the second richest man in the world, which is quite the statement. This means that the Shogun and even his family would have enough money to set out a very high bounty if they wanted to, especially to hide their shame.

Who more than anyone would want to hide the Shogun's shame?

Now, it could be possible that Mizu's mother could have had an affair with the Shogun, but I'll present a more interesting idea that may be a bit more far-fetched, but maybe not too far-fetched. I think that maybe the Shogun, Lady Itoh, and Mizu's mother may have all possibly been in a relationship together, which wouldn't be too out of the ordinary for the time, and would point to the potential love triangle that's be hinted at by the people behind the show, but take this part with a grain of salt.

Maybe Mizu's mother was involved in a relationship with the Shogun and Lady Itoh, and it only became a problem because her mother accidentally got pregnant with her and probably refused to give her up.

Mizu's mother probably had to make a choice like the Bride from Kill Bill did

And she most likely chose Mizu, and as stated before, Mizu could be seen as evidence that the Shogun broke his own rules, his shame, and that would not do.

Part 1/Part 2/Part 3/Part 4/Part 5/Part 6

[neutron-stars-collision]

Deadlines & Commitments

Neil x F!Reader

Chapter 8 - London Bridge Underground Station

Masterlist; Chapter 7 Summary: With preparations for the next ballet of the season at all time high, it seems like only Neil is capable of calming you down. With whatever means necessary. After all, that's what friends are for. Warnings: Swearing, explicit language, implied sexual content. Author's Notes: Well, hello. As you might've seen from my posts, this one is early and only 3/4 of what I have outlined but seeing as it already took near two months, I figured I might as well split this here. It's 10k so not bad either ✨ This way I'll be stressing less about how long it's taking me to write this. This is the first chapter of the so-called Nutcracker season, so I thought I might drop some reference videos again in case y'all wanted to see what the sequences I refer to look like. And so that the two hours of research aren't entirely wasted lol Anyways, here's Waltz of the Snowflakes and Waltz of the Flowers. Enjoy the extra education 💕 Thank you for reading and being patient as I try to wrestle my brain into obedience 💖 Let me know what you think? Taglist: @hollandorks, @kristevstewart, @stargirl25 (let me know if you want to be added).

For someone who usually hated the mere mention of the word routine and all that it entailed, you took a worrying amount of joy in having it established on Wednesdays. There was something to be cherished in the cold autumn breeze as you hurried down the streets, knowing that soon you could talk to him like you had been itching to since you had parted. The countless texts and occasional phone calls in between hardly mattered in that case. Not because they were not good enough at sustaining the connection, but rather because while they kept you sane, they could never replace the real thing.

The exact way Neil’s eyes shone in the sharp light of the fluorescents whenever you said something funny or scandalous. Or the curve of his smile, breaching that thin line between mere joy and smugness at being the sole object of your attention and desire. Or perhaps the different topics you cycled through within the twenty-minute-long window the shared commute allowed you. There was hardly reason nor logic to them, but every Wednesday morning, as you approached the St. John’s Wood station, you would find yourself increasingly curious about what this day would entail. What you would talk about. What you would be able to learn about him.

No matter the minutes spent wondering and debating, you could never anticipate the conversation in its entirety.

By now, you were a pro at finding Neil the moment you stepped aboard the train. Most times you would spot him before he knew the train had stopped at your station. He would raise his pretty blond head and meet your gaze, lighting up instantly and getting rid of any apprehension you could still hold over being so openly into him.

Today was not any different in that regard. Once you had successfully located him (head bowed over a book in his lap, the blonde hair tousled by the wind raging outside), you crossed the space despite the sudden movement of the carriage and unceremoniously dropped to the seat next to him with a greeting ready on your tongue:

“Hey, you” your grin widened as Neil’s head swivelled in your direction with worrying speed.

You stared as he closed the book without bothering to mark the page, letting his gaze trace its customary path over your face and body. It was always like this. His eyes would wander over your features with detailed focus, almost as if expecting something to have changed. The moment made you pause, instantly concerned whether there could be something amiss, but the uncertainty vanished the second Neil’s lips widened into a bright grin. The courage to ask what it all meant was nowhere to be found yet. If ever.

“Morning, sunshine” offering you an overeager wink, he dropped the forgotten book in the bag and focused on you.

That sort of unspoken declaration still stroked your ego like nothing else. And you were unwilling to understand why that could be.

“If there’s anyone worthy of the ‘sunshine’ title, it’s you, my dear” stifling a yawn, you reached out to further ruffle his hair, enjoying the feel of his soft locks between your fingers. If the move had an ulterior motive (it did), you did not let it show and instead chose to relish in the myriads of feelings passing through Neil’s face. Namely affection, arousal and hunger, “What with all that hair and a dazzling smile,” before you could lose the feeble illusion of control, you dropped your hand back on your lap and met his questioning look with a blank smile.

Moments like this were best not discussed. And least of all on public transport. Despite it being over a week since your late Friday night commute and the decisions it had solidified, you were yet to make any substantial changes to your relationship. You were yet to ask him for another memorable night or a fleeting moment in a private place. For now, endless flirting, occasional sexting and increasingly courageous touches had to do. But, as always, they were not discussed. They simply happened. By an accident, of course.

“The hair is dyed” arching his eyebrow at your blatant misbehaviour, Neil offered the comment flatly.

Well, duh.

“Yeah, I know. You need to give me your hairdresser’s details because they’re doing a splendid job” barely resisting the urge to bury your fingers in his hair again, you clasped your hands together and chose to stare down the impertinent woman, shooting you both dirty looks across the carriage.

Only once she looked away, visibly flustered, you could glance at Neil again. As always, you found his gaze firmly trained on you. As if looking away was not an option.

“I’ll pass on the praise” shrugging, Neil allowed his eyes to wander, tracing invisible paths down the curve of your neck and further down, forcing your blush out of hiding whether you wanted or not.

Swallowing past the heat rising in your face, you uncrossed your legs and forced your brain to behave. That would not do. Being eternally flustered was not a state you were used to or even wanted to be. But increasingly, it was a state you were finding yourself in almost daily. Something had to be done about it. And fast.

Chancing a cheeky look at Neil, you allowed your mouth to run along and do its own thing. That always worked.

“You should. Who knows, maybe they, too, have a praise kink” as soon as the words were out, you knew it was the right call.

The leverage to give you the upper hand and render Neil speechless. Even more so that he was well aware you were right. The realization was written plain on his face, in the slack jaw and wide eyes, struck dumb by your boldness. Checkmate.

“Too? Are you insinuating something?” leaning forward and into your personal space, Neil’s voice dropped a notch.

The hastily put-up mask of indifference did nothing to deter you. You knew you were right. His reaction to the things you said that Friday night was something you thought of every day. Particularly the undoubted effects your bold use of ‘good boy’ had on Neil. His gasps, the groans of pleasure, and then-

“Wouldn’t dare to” mirroring his position, you leaned further into his space until all that was left was a few mere centimetres between you, easy to breach should you want to, “Except that we both know it’s true,” you met his gaze with an unyielding smile of your own, beckoning Neil to argue.

You could see the defiance in his blue eyes, the desire to throw you off the haunch by all means necessary. But you could also find defeat there, the embarrassment stemming from the simple fact that Neil knew he had already lost. You were right. As always.

Feeling the pride of victory surge through your veins, you opened your mouth to deliver the final strike before Neil closed it with a finger against your lips. The sudden touch burned like a hot poker, inciting thousands of thoughts you would rather not entertain. Not now, at least.

“Don’t” from the command in his voice, you could ascertain that Neil knew where it was all heading. He could tell that the words on your tongue were those two that had proved his weakness before, “Not here,” the unspoken plea finishing the speech did not go unnoticed.

It was strengthened by the silent resolution in his eyes as Neil lifted his finger from your mouth and let his fingers carefully caress your chin, angling your face for a kiss that would not come. Not here, as he said. Not yet.

“Very well. Next time,” as soon as the reply fell in the space between you, Neil nodded, solidifying a promise that had not quite been voiced but was understood by the both of you, “Soon, I think,” the addition was only a formality.

You both knew it would have to be soon. As if reminded of your surroundings, Neil dropped his hand from your face and shot you a smirk. Soon, indeed. Before your brain could run away with thousands of scenarios concerning that second rendezvous and all that you wanted to do to Neil when given the chance, he spoke again, swiftly changing the subject:

“What’s your stress level, Cupid?” it was easy to discern that it was a tactical move on his side, an easy way to move the conversation to a safer zone that would not make either or both of you misbehave in public.

But still, the question made the wave of affection spread over your chest, mostly because he cared enough to ask and wanted to hear the answer. And you really wanted to talk to someone about the sleepless nights and heart palpitations growing in frequency the closer it got to the audition day.

“Through the fucking roof,” sighing against the anxiety levels steadily building up in your system, you levelled Neil with a tired look, “I’ve less than a week left” by now, the countdown felt almost like minutes left till your scheduled audience on the death row.

Or something equally dramatic. From the seriousness reflected at you in Neil’s eyes, you knew he was all too aware of it.

“I know” he reached out to squeeze your arm comfortingly and asked, “Do you have the choreography all figured out?”

The question only increased the affection you could barely contain. Ignoring the sudden desire to snuggle up to Neil like a cat to attempt to show even an ounce of your current feelings, you chose to focus on the more pressing issues. Namely, the fear coursing through your veins and talking to the only person who seemed to understand it all.

“I think?” stifling another heavy sigh, you leaned back in the chair to stare at the Jubilee line map above the window opposite “I mean that’s basically the plan today. I’m going to the studio to practice every single variation till I can’t tell my Clara from the Snow Queen” this time a pained groan was unavoidable.

As much as you were looking forward to losing yourself in dancing for the whole day, all that followed was too terrifying to name. Yet, with every word spoken on the topic, you could hardly keep the fears at bay. They multiplied and strengthened till you could feel your heart rate rise, the pulse thundering in your ears. There was so much to dread, so many unknowns. So much that you could not foresee and so much that could go wrong. Too much.

“I’m not sure I know what that means, but I know that you’ve got this” through the rising panic, you registered Neil’s reassurance but could barely process it.

The spiral must have shown on your face because the next thing you felt was his careful touch, gentle fingers running over your forearm to take your hand in his and squeeze it. Without thinking, you let Neil entangle your fingers loosely and glanced at him, judging his mood. Finding nothing but concern and steadfast belief in your abilities, you turned away again, focusing on voicing what had to be said. Who knew when would be the next time you would have a willing listener available?

“Yeah, well, I’m not convinced,” swallowing hard past the doubt and worries that Neil did not want to hear any of your bullshit, you focused on the steady caress of his thumb running over your knuckles, soothing the nerves and reminding you of his presence. It had to be enough, “Sometimes I just… Do you know that feeling when you want something very badly, but you’re also almost certain that if you do get it, then it will be taken from you?” the question came out in a rush, words melting together into one anxious mess but the understanding in Neil’s gaze kept you going “I want to do well, but I’m also terrified of what might happen if I do succeed” getting the words out after days of rotating them in your head felt almost like a relief, offering you a chance to take a deeper breath. Even if they still seemed true, accurate, “So much so that sometimes I wonder whether I should just give up. Stop trying” finishing the tirade with an exhausted sigh seemed like an apt conclusion as you turned your head back to Neil, both dreading and needing to see his reaction.

Those were some of the things you had never told anyone else. The thoughts that kept you awake during many lonely nights and those that pushed you to the limits of what was supposed to be bearable. The drive behind every anxious thought and inexplicable fear. That which none of your friends needed or wanted to hear.

No one except for Neil, that is.

If the understanding on his face was anything to go by, he wanted to listen. His hand kept the reassuring hold over yours, thumb tracing circles over your knuckles. This one time, being seen did not hurt quite so much. Maybe if Neil could peer inside your heart and soul, he would be able to make sense of it all when you could not.

“But isn’t the fear of fucking up stronger than that of having succeeded?” after a beat, Neil’s question fell with a heightened impact upon the noise from the departed station fading into the background.

Wasn’t that the clue of it all?

“I don’t know” with no answer but another pained sigh, you allowed your head to rest against Neil’s shoulder. Only then, with the pleasant warmth of his shoulder beneath your cheek and the faint certainty that you could feel him nuzzle your temple, could you speak words into existence with only Neil as your witness, “I wish I had a way of knowing what’s destined for me” once you started talking, it was difficult to stop, unburdening your heart word after word, with no fear of judgement to be found “Like a horoscope but one that truly works” feeling the itch of frustration beneath your skin, you closed your eyes to attempt anchoring in the moment.

Even if only for a second. A second spent soaking up Neil’s warmth and his solid presence. A second spent not losing your mind. For a change.

“I’m pretty sure you’d go mad if you knew what fate has in store for you” feeling Neil’s steady gaze fixed on your face, you looked up in time to see the intent behind his words there. A subtle confirmation of the fact that he knew what he was saying was true and that you knew it, too. Even if you would never admit as much, ���I know I would,” shrugging lightly not to disturb you from where you still had your chin propped on his shoulder, Neil cracked a small smile.

As if willing you to see where he was going with this. And you did know. It was only that sometimes (or rather most of the time) logic was difficult to come by. In those moments, ruled by fear and worry, all you craved was certainty. A knowledge of what the future held and what steps you needed to take to abstain from fucking it all up. But that was not something you could have. And that, in turn, was fucking you up. It was embarrassing and relieving to know that Neil understood without you having the words to express it all.

That he just knew. Like he knew everything, it seemed.

“I would too, but maybe insanity is better than whatever this is” ignoring the strange thoughts, which could lead you into the temptation, you raised your head from his shoulder and offered a tired shrug.

It was better that way. Safer.

“The tragedy known as everyday life?” his mouth quirked into a familiar grin, its traces already warming up your body and soul.

It was increasingly harder to look away from him in those moments. In those pauses between words, when his gaze was all you could focus on. When his blue eyes offered solace from fears. When it seemed like Neil did not mind being your anchor, the one thing keeping you on the verge of sanity.

When all you truly wanted to do was to press your lips to his and keep kissing him until everything else faded. Until there was nothing that could scare you.

Well, maybe, except for-

“Quite” you shook your head lightly, praying to all deities the ridiculous thoughts would disperse. Stuck in a daze, you looked outside as the PA crackled to life, announcing Southwark as the next station. Without a reason you could name, your heart missed a beat. It was time to go, “Fuck, I should get up. I don’t want to leave you” the honesty was easy to voice once you were arrested by his blue gaze, having made the mistake of glancing back at Neil.

You could tell he would need no convincing about the truthfulness of your admission. Neil’s soft smile, undoubtedly influenced by what must have been a particularly pathetic look on your face, only strengthened the conviction. He squeezed your hand, remaining securely clasped in his, and nudged your shoulder with his:

“Nutcrackers await you, Cupid” the simplicity of that reassurance was enough to make you grin, especially since you could tell Neil had not yet done his reading on the ballet.

With a remorseful sigh, you rose from the seat, letting go of his hand. Your eyes did not yet get the memo, as they stayed glued to his face, roaming over the features you now knew almost as well as your own. Within his gaze, you found the missing inspiration and the courage to ask what you wanted.

“Actually… Would you want to come up to the studio tomorrow evening? To provide feedback and butter me up?” you bated your eyelashes to complete the look, fully aware it was unnecessary.

Neil never needed the vapid flirting. He only seemed to need to know you meant what you said. And this time, there was no space for doubt.

“I’d love to” mirroring your manic grin, Neil captured your hand between his palms and brushed his fingers over your knuckles in a move that was almost reverent.

It was dangerous, too. You blinked against the haze in your eyes and tugged your hand free from the loose grasp. With the lights of Southwark creeping into the carriage, you knew it was time to go. Lest stupidity persisted.

***

Inviting Neil to the studio to watch your final touches to the choreography before the Friday audition seemed like a good idea when you said it. But over 24 hours later, waiting for the man himself to arrive and pacing up and down Hatfields with increasingly torrential thoughts, you began to wonder whether it was all a mistake. An overindulgence. Because what if Neil saw what you had prepared and thought it just as lacklustre as you worried it was?

For whatever reason, sharing this crucial part of your life with him was hard. It was a daily uphill battle, torn between the innate desire to show off the only thing you were remotely sure you were good at and the fear of falling short. Almost every time, you could only reach an impasse without a resolution on the horizon.

The spiral was cut short with a gentle touch on your shoulder, stopping your pacing before you could collide with a man-sized wall. Startled, you looked straight into the familiar blue eyes, now tinted with happiness and a dose of worry. Almost as if Neil could see the depths of unease in your soul. Before he could see too much, you schooled your features into a grin and pulled him in for a hug. At least those offered the comfort of hiding your face.

For a beat. Just enough time to get over whatever this was.

“Hi” pulling back with a satisfied sigh, you met Neil’s gaze with a renewed sense of control.

For a second, you did not feel quite so close to losing your mind. Small victories.

“Hello. Shall we?” Neil took that decisive step from your hug only to take your hand in his and tilt his head towards the entrance to the ballet studio.

For a split second, that ghost of panic was back, its cold fingers digging into the fabric of your soul and making you consider bolting, leaving, using a weak excuse and calling it all off. But then Neil smiled, a reassuring, steady grin that felt like a ray of sunlight melting the ice. You could take a deeper breath and nod. It was alright.

As if in a daze, you led him through the studio. By late afternoon, the space was almost deserted, with only a handful of staff and dancers milling about in the different parts of the building. The emptiness of the space offered the comfort and privacy you were seeking. Uninterrupted, you led Neil to the room you had occupied just before leaving to greet him and set your bag back on the designated chair before retrieving your phone and connecting it to the Bluetooth speaker. You could hear Neil move in the background, undoubtedly settling on the floor like the last time. Before you could turn to confirm the assumption, he broke the silence:

“So, what have you got for me, Cupid?” the playful notes in his voice made you turn, taking note of the grin on his face as Neil sat down with his back against the mirrored wall, legs outstretched, “Mind you, I’ve done my research” shooting you a wink, he made the show of taking out a leatherbound notebook from his bag and flipping it open, seemingly at random.

You had a feeling that the pages were not empty. And that they were indeed filled with research. You could feel a grin blooming on your face as you arched an eyebrow and asked:

“YouTube videos?” twisting your mouth into a smirk, you queued up the correct Tchaikovsky tracks and took off the jumper you had thrown on before going outside.

Neil’s gaze slid over your body, lingering on the skin you had just revealed. Your smirk sharpened upon the notice with the confidence drowning out the anxieties.

“Precisely,” Neil nodded, prideful and smug, “And Wikipedia,” grinning, he glanced at the notebooks and skimmed over whatever was written inside.

You resisted the urge to join him on the floor and tug the journal from his hold to look. Instead, you chose the verbal way of getting something out of this conversation. An upper hand of sorts.

“Good boy” you waited until Neil met your calm gaze with widened eyes and broke into a satisfied grin. It still worked. As much was clear from the way his breath picked up, the fingers of his hand shaking as he tightened the grip over the notebook. It was only once that startled look turned into a glare that you chose to offer contrition, “Sorry, I had to,” you could tell there was no grudge to be held there, so you shrugged and answered the question he had asked before, “I’ve prepared Waltz of the Snowflakes and Waltz of the Flowers. I could maybe, perhaps get lead for both” even speaking the hopes into existence seemed like asking for too much.

But there was no other way. You had to try because, by now, you knew giving up was not an option. It would not work.

The nervous energy coursed in your veins as you forced your body to move, stretching lightly to prepare for the demonstration you had brought down on yourself.

“You could. There’s no ‘perhaps’ about it. Come on, show me what you got” Neil’s words acted like the necessary checkpoint, keeping you from straying too far into the land of insanity.

That, and the belief in his eyes, as if he was confident what he was saying was true. As if he needed no convincing to know you were good enough for what you set out to achieve.

It was almost too much.

“Have I mentioned that you’re bad for my ego?” straightening up after the usual stretches, you met Neil’s gaze with a fond look.

There was no point in hiding it by now. Neil knew he was important to you. He knew that you cared. You had already lost that battle where it counted.

“I’m not saying anything you don’t deserve, babe,” Neil needed no time to think about his response; its placement timed perfectly with a wink at the end.

Still, the affection spread over your skin like a disease, making it impossible to attempt scouring for a witty response. All that was left was sincerity.

“Thank you, Neil. I can’t remember anyone being this nice to me since… forever, probably” getting it out was the easiest part, immediately followed by the trickier bit, which necessitated you not to crumble in the light of compassion in his gaze.

It was a task you almost failed at. All because it hurt to be looked at like a pitiful object, but without the shame that usually came with it. No, Neil looked at you like he could not comprehend the lack of care you were handled with during your life. He saw nothing wrong with you but instead blamed everyone else for what happened. For the things he did not even know. You quivered under the warmth in his eyes and broke the eye contact, gaze darting to locate the pointe shoes. Once you spotted them, you quickly crossed the space and sat by the pair to put them on.

It always did the trick of calming you down.

All the while, you could feel Neil’s eyes on you, undoubtedly assessing your nerves and sanity. Looking for the right thing to say. Something that would not make you flee any more than you already had removed yourself from the conversation. After a beat, he must have found it, for you heard him clear his throat and break the silence with a decisive conclusion:

“That’s their loss” despite the wishes of your reason, you looked up at Neil, only to find him smiling at you softly.

No traces of pity. No traces of contempt, either. Only a friendly smile, his back pressed against the mirrors and the notebook forgotten in his lap. It was enough to make you smile back as your hands tightened the bows of your pointes, following muscle memory. Once you were assured the knots were secure enough, you stood up and flashed Neil with a bright grin, officially moving on from that conversation:

“Both variations that I’ll show you will be Pas de Deux in the production. That means-” before you could delve into an explanation, Neil raised his hand, stopping your words without a catch.

“That they’re duets, I know” the trademark smirk appeared upon his face at your slightly bewildered look, and Neil added with a self-explanatory shrug, “I told you I’ve done my reading” that spark of satisfaction in his eyes was not something you thought you could ignore.

Partially because you were surprised by the research he has done, or, more accurately, you were surprised Neil cared that much. He has put in the effort without you even having to ask.

“I’m impressed” you made no moves to hide the affection from your eyes as you let another beat of silence pass you by, locked in his gaze as always. Once the moment passed, you nodded to reassure yourself and shake off the thoughts, and continued, “Since it’s just me tonight, it’ll look a little different. That’s a disclaimer” turning back to your phone, you scrolled down the track list to find the correct variation.

That nervous energy was back, but this time, you knew that only dancing could get rid of it. Only losing yourself in the movement would do the trick. Well, that and the constant look of admiration that Neil seemed to point at you. That, too, helped with the anxiety.

“No complaints from me. If I get to watch you triumph and look beautiful while you’re at it, I’m good” as if reading your mind, Neil shot you another fond smile and seemingly settled further into his chosen spot, the back of his head lightly propped against the barre.

The pose could not be comfortable, but he did not seem to mind it. His eyes traced your every move as you put down the phone after pressing play on the music and slowly walked over to the side of the room to take up the position.

At the last second, before you had to focus on the music and the steps, you met Neil’s gaze and smiled, a simple word of gratitude ready on your tongue:

“You’re incredible” you watched as his smile widened, and the warmth spread over your chest, lightening up the nerve endings in that curious way you never quite understood.

It did not matter. You took a deep breath and started, slipping almost effortlessly into the role of Snow Queen. From then on, everything was easy. You closed your eyes against the warm studio lights and moved through the choreography without a second of doubt.

The six-minute Waltz of the Snowflakes necessitated precision and focus, with each note requiring a shift, a pirouette or an arabesque. It was not an easy piece, and you could feel sweat trickle down your temples and underneath the black bodice as your wrap skirt followed graceful air movements with a mind of its own. Yet, still, despite the exertion, something about it felt right. Like it was a role that you were meant to play. Another chance to showcase that perhaps this is what you were supposed to do.

As you froze in the final position and the first orchestra track faded, you risked opening your eyes to gauge Neil’s reaction. He stared back, seemingly transfixed with his blue eyes almost alight with something you could not name. Upon your glance, the corner of his mouth quirked, revealing another of your favourite smiles. That had to do when it came to encouragement, for before you could notice anything else, the opening notes of the second waltz rang out in the studio space. Recognition flashed in Neil’s eyes as his foot started tapping out a familiar rhythm. Despite yourself, you grinned before silently counting the beats until your grand entrance.

The second role – Dew Drop Fairy, cheerfully leading a piece of Tchaikovsky’s music almost everyone knew, even if they insisted otherwise, was a variation you did not expect to like quite so much. It used to seem too lively, fleeting and sweet for someone like you. You were not sweet. Unless one considered liquorice a sweet – particular and not everyone’s cup of tea. Yeah, that comparison made much more sense. But then, one dreary afternoon, when you rehashed the choreography for the Waltz of the Flowers from the videos and memory, you found that it could work.

Maybe. Probably. (Probably not).

After hours of practice, you were tentatively leaning towards the affirmative. Maybe. Tonight, it felt almost close to getting rid of the ‘maybe’. It felt like it was meant to be. Even with the burn in your thighs and the strain in your arms from maintaining the frame. Even with the lingering fear before tomorrow’s audition threatening to take away any remaining pleasure. The closing notes of the waltz sounded in the studio as you landed the final pirouette and opened your eyes with a gasp, caught somewhere between the striking understanding of the rightness of it all and the sudden desire to look at Neil.

To let him see you.

His eyes were there, waiting for you, always inviting you to drown within their depths at your convenience.

Suddenly, death by drowning did not seem like a bad idea.

“How was that?” cutting the tortures of the unknown short, you pressed pause on the music and steeled your spine against his all-seeing gaze.

As if sensing your unease, Neil’s smile softened, his eyes showing nothing but the affection you had seen before. That smile was easier to breathe in. Easier to understand.

“You’re truly something else, aren’t you?” the flash of something in his face was much more difficult to understand. Your brow furrowed almost unconsciously as you tried to ignore the flush of gratitude at the open praise, “As I said, I’m no expert, but this looked effortless in a way that hours of hard work can only ensure” taking a meaningful pause to save your sanity, Neil shifted in his spot, folding his long legs and propping his chin on his knees. Adorable did not quite cover it, but it was the best word you could find, “This technique, the precision, just the way you hold yourself when you dance… I don’t know much about fate and such, but I do know that you were meant to be doing this” the glimmer in his eyes told you that was what he aimed to achieve with the speech.

That, yet again, Neil has seen through your bullshit and knew where the trouble was. What it was that you needed to hear. With your fidgeting body unable to stay still even for a second, you sat on the floor on the opposite side of the studio and tugged at the ribbons on your pointe shoes to take them off. It was better than standing stock-still in the light of his scrutiny. In the light of all things in his gaze that you did not want to acknowledge. Instead, you let your heart speak as it rarely had a chance to.

“I’d like to think so. When I’m dancing, it’s like nothing else matters. I’m free to do as I please. To be who I always wanted to be,” with the bows loose, your fingers picked at the strips of satin as more sincere words found their way out of your heart. Words you had never voiced before either, “In those moments, I want to believe that I’ve become her. That this is who I am. Maybe not perfect, but-” your second of hesitation did not go unnoticed.

Before you could find another stack of constants and vowels to put in the resounding silence, Neil interrupted you with a confident tone:

“You’re not perfect, but you’re real. I think that’s much more important” despite your desire to remain nonchalant, your head whipped up to steal a glance at him.

To understand what he could mean by such a bold statement. Instead, your attention was stolen by the fact that you did not expect Neil to start standing up from where he previously looked comfortable curled up on the floors. His intense gaze measured you up as you took off the ballet shoes and dropped the only question that seemed to make sense:

“Why?” without being able to name a reason, you stood up, following some innate sense of direction that scrambled in alarm the moment you understood Neil had something on his mind.

Something you could not foresee. It was not fear that made you move, backing away towards the barres, but rather that familiar connection that sparked in your body and soul. You were not scared of him but feared what his proximity tended to do to you.

You feared losing control. Again.

Simultaneously, there was nothing you wanted more. It must have been that reasoning that made Neil take a decisive step in your direction and close the remaining gap. You stared with mouth agape as he approached, with an almost unusual amount of certainty in every move and stilted your hands as they fidgeted at your sides. Gently, he squeezed your loose fists and let go, only to tilt your chin and force you to meet his gaze. You still did not understand what you were seeing in the depths of his eyes.

But for once, it was almost comforting. That knowledge that someone else was willing to take care of you and act in your place, and all you had to do was let them do it. It brought relief, easing burdens you had not known you had been carrying. You could see the understanding in Neil’s eyes as he gave another cursory look over your face and pressed a lingering kiss to your forehead, eliciting an effortless sigh. Once he pulled back, you both knew there would be no resistance no matter what he wanted to do.

Another affectionate smile was the last thing you saw before Neil turned you to face the mirrored wall and pressed his chest against your back. There was no space between your bodies as he embraced you tightly, his hands resting on your stomach and just below the collarbone. His proximity felt close to overwhelming, with the warmth of his touch burning your skin and the searing intensity of his gaze meeting yours in the mirror. You took a deep breath, needing to centre yourself somehow. If only to prolong what seemed inevitable at this point.

Tentatively, you raised your hands to cover his palm sprawled across your midsection and allowed yourself to relax, leaning into his body. That seemed to be the confirmation Neil needed to break the silence:

“Because I can do this” answering a question you did not even remember asking, Neil nuzzled the top of your head and allowed his nose to trace a path down the nape of your neck and under the ear, nosing at the pulse point, with the utter confidence of someone who has done this before.

And indeed, he has. The familiarity of where you had found yourself, enveloped in the most tempting of embraces with nothing but the mirrored walls to be your witness, did not escape you. It was a tried and checked position. One that you could not oppose because it felt too good. Too comfortable.

Yet, with your brain still not entirely overcome by the haze of arousal, there was opposition to be detected. It kicked and groused, reminding you incessantly how unlike you all this was. How dangerous, despite feeling like everything but. How outrageous to just let Neil have it. With an inward sigh, you tilted your head to offer more neck for his perusal (currently littering with tender pecks) and forced your voice to remain steady as you asked:

“Are you trying to seduce me again, Neil?” this question was an easy callback.

One that Neil instantly clocked as you saw the corner of his mouth curl up in a smirk. There was no need to add that the seduction worked the first time and did not have to be repeated. Or that he hardly had to do anything but ask to have you. He knew that already.

You stared as Neil bowed his head, the golden strands catching light, and your skin catching fire from his closeness and the gentle kisses on your neck. Breath caught in your throat as his teeth nibbled at the tender flesh.

“Not quite” raising his head to shoot you a cheeky smile, Neil gave your entwined bodies an appreciative glance before he met your gaze, the tentative touch of his wandering hands only moderately distracting, “It’s just that the last time I wasn’t brave enough to say what I really thought” the pointed look in his eyes completed the sentence with the unsaid.

With the words that hardly needed to be spoken. Especially with the fact that now that he had admitted it, Neil allowed himself to be even braver. The hand previously resting on your sternum moved lower. His firm yet gentle fingers skimmed down the neckline of your bodice to cup your breast, stoking fire in your veins. Despite yourself, you pressed your body into his hold and breathed out the only response you had the mind to conjure:

“I trust you know better now” the remains of defiance shone in your gaze as you jutted your chin out, hoping to appear unaffected.

A futile task, indeed.

Especially with the way Neil pressed another kiss to the crook of your neck, marking the skin subtly. Your fingers squeezed his palm, pressing it further against your abdomen, wishing for it too to move. To do something about the need pooling between your thighs, wetting the gusset of your panties and seeping into the fabric of your bodice. Squeezing your thighs to get even a fraction of relief, you swallowed a groan and entwined your hand with his. Neil finished a meticulous study of yet another plane of your skin between the neck and the slope of your shoulder and met your hazed gaze with confidence. It was a look you were increasingly familiar with. It sharpened his exquisite features, giving him a dangerous edge. An edge you were desperate to cut yourself open upon. The growing desperation seeped through the pores in your soul as Neil gave you another assessing glance and replied:

“Naturally. Seeing you like this, so confident and in your element, is… It’s working on me” this confession was proclaimed with much less confidence, almost as if Neil worried that it was something you could dislike hearing. An idiot, if you ever met one, “You’re so graceful, so beautiful,” you stared as his palms continued their journey. The hand pressed against your abdomen shifted southward and instantly made you gasp. The sound did not escape his attention as you saw the uncertainty fade from Neil’s gaze, replaced by the familiar hunger “I’d like to touch you,” the unspoken question in his voice hardly needed anything more than a nod.

A nod you had granted him instantly, desperate to feel his hands where you needed them.

And his thumb rubbing over your nipple through the fabric could only do so much. Read: not enough.

“You are touching me” arching your eyebrow to push Neil in the right direction, you widened your stance and propped your head on his shoulder, leaning against him with almost all your weight.

Neil did not seem to mind the move. You watched as those enthralling sparks appeared in his eyes, a foolproof sign of an idea taking shape in his mind. With agonizing slowness, his hand brushed down your mid-riff, pausing for a split second at the elastic band of your wrap skirt. He seemed to debate something for a split second before following with a settled decision and parting the tuille with careful fingers. The breath you were supposed to empty from your lungs stumbled with a gasp as you watched Neil’s hand disappear between the folds of your skirt. Before you could even think about exhaling the oxygen trapped in your lungs, you felt his hand slip between your thighs, curious fingers tracing the gusset of your bodice. Even without noticing the wolfish smirk on Neil’s face, you knew what he would encounter.

The evidence of your arousal has already dampened the fabric, only completing the pathetic picture you presented with the warmth flooding your face and an irregular breath making your chest rise and fall in an unnatural tempo. Tangled strands were plastered to your temple as you stared at the mirror, barely fighting the desire to take matters into your own hands. And get relief because Neil’s teasing touches running up and down your slit did absolutely nothing.

Nothing but get you even more frustrated.

“Not like this,” the annoyance must have shown on your face, for Neil retraced his hand from between your legs and met your gaze with something akin to resolution, “Would you like to come to mine for a drink?” there was no hesitation in the proposal.

Nothing to make you feel like Neil did not want to ask, or felt pressured to. And there was no objection you could find that would make sense because you very much wanted to go back to his place. And continue whatever this was.

Ideally, with much fewer clothes in place. Yet-

“Neil, we both know that it won’t be just a drink” meeting his gaze with a deadpan expression, you grabbed the hand he had just moved back to your stomach from between your thighs and kissed his fingers with intent.

Mostly, the intent of making Neil blush wildly, as he did. But also to show that despite your weak protest, you did not mind the course of the evening or where it would take you. It was only a matter of time until you let yourself give in for the second time. Until you had an opportunity to act out the fantasies, which multiplied in your mind since the first night.

“Is there anything wrong with that?” the hints of doubt in the question were something you would accept under any circumstances.

You hated how the worries could so quickly shade any sense of confidence or arousal from his face and body. You could feel his grip loosen, letting centimetres of space between you, which already felt out of place. Before your brain could concoct any farfetched ideas, you used the newly created gap to turn in his embrace. Strengthened by the element of surprise, you had the advantage of the time it took Neil to process the new state of things. You used it wisely, first placing your hands on his chest to gain the necessary leverage and then whispered the reply with all the determination of someone who knew what they were doing:

“Absolutely not” your gaze searched Neil’s eyes for hints of anything contrary, but you found nothing. Except the need for you to be the brave one. You were happy to comply, “I think I’d like it to be… more” slowly, you allowed your fingers to brush over the expanse of his chest, reassuring and strengthening the message.

Neil’s shy smile shone through the cracks of his uncertainty, making your heart soar. As always, being in the spotlight of his affection felt like the cosiness of sunlight on an icy winter morning. It felt right.

Neil’s hands previously hanging limply at his sides, came up to cover yours pressed against his chest. It was the only warning you got before he dropped the question with a dangerous edge to his smile:

“With ties and shit?” the lethal sparks in his eyes only completed the picture, instantly drawing you back to that moment.

To the brazen comment you made straddling his lap with an undone tie in your hand. To one of the fantasies that had been born at the same instant. For the sake of the future, you were glad to see Neil was not opposed to the idea. That concept was nowhere near gone from the growing list of your wishes and daydreams.

A sudden laugh bubbled from your throat, adding that familiar tint of madness to everything you ever said, felt or did with Neil. Madness you were willingly jumping head-first into.

“Not necessarily” your faux frown carried the suspense over till an appropriate amount of time had passed for you to drop the pretence and offer Neil another wide smile, “Although-”

Neil’s burst of laughter cut short any elaborate innuendos you could have planned. You would not have it any other way.

***

If someone asked you to envision Neil’s apartment without seeing it for the first time, you would never have imagined it to look like that. A medium-sized flat just five minutes from the Swiss Cottage Underground Station, filled with things. Posh twats would have perhaps called the space cluttered, but you preferred the adjective – lived-in. Because that is what it was. When Neil closed the door behind your back and let go of your hand for the first time since getting off the tube, you did not know where to look or which item to pick up and scrutinize. Not for the wish to judge but that same innate desire to understand him. To know everything you could about Neil.

“Welcome to my humble abode” as soon as the words were out of his mouth, along with a reassuring smile, you let go of the remaining apprehensions and leaned into the curiosity with the zeal of a scientist.

Almost reverently, you floated past the furniture lining up the corridor walls, peeking inside the wardrobe with its door left ajar. A row of jackets, including leather, denim, and a fleece, did not satisfy the desire to know, but it stoked the fire. Its sparks lit you up from within as you moved down the hallway to the living room, stopping at the threshold to take in the room. The most notable features included a bookshelf brimming with tomes of different colours and sizes, a worn-out leather sofa, shelves full of CDs and vinyl, a quality record player and… a piano. A piano. Of all things. An inconvenience.

Your eyes stopped at the sight, unable to move on from the object. It made so much sense, and yet it was not something you expected. The music sheets propped on the shelf told you it was frequently used, and, therefore, not a decorative item. Your paralysis must have shown on your face, for soon you heard Neil’s footsteps, the sound stopping just behind your back as you felt his hand touch your shoulder. Unconsciously, you leaned into his warmth, resting your back against his chest.

“Care to explain this?” you asked the question as soon as you had stifled the grin elicited by Neil pressing a kiss to the top of your head.

As if the meaning was unclear, you waved your hand at the instrument and looked up at him. From the vantage point, his hair looked like a halo, contrasting with the sharp edge of his smile and the hand he had returned to your chest.

“I’m no Chopin, but sometimes I like to play” shrugging, Neil glanced at the piano and added, “It’s very relaxing,” the thoughtfulness in his voice told you there was more to the story.

A conversation to pick up soon to know more about him, but, for now, more pressing matters directed your line of thought. Matters like the fire in your veins stoked by Neil’s touch and the persisting desire for things only he could provide.

“Mhmm. You’ve never mentioned it,” you frowned at the disappointment in your voice that you certainly did not wish to disclose.

It made no sense to have strong feelings towards an instrument. Secondly, you knew that Neil would latch onto this indescribable something and not let go until he understood the reasons. Despite being unable to see his face, you could already feel his curiosity spark. It did not take too long for him to grab at the chance and dig a little deeper:

“Didn’t think it’s relevant. Why? You’ve got an ick concerning pianists?” you did not like the hints of smugness in his tone or the way he tightened the hold over your body, fingers digging into your breast, overwhelming the senses.

You barely resisted the moan which got stuck in your throat, saving the remains of dignity. With the brain cells slowly transforming into horny idiots that could not do anything but thirst after Neil, there was not much opposition left in your system. What was the point, anyway? It was best to admit it now and have it over and done with so you could move on to more important pursuits.

You cleared your throat, buying for time (and pointedly ignoring Neil’s teasing touch drifting past your ribcage and further down your body) and closed your eyes as you admitted the truth:

“… No, no. Quite the opposite, actually” there.

And it was not something you had confessed to before, either. There was no need. No pianists to be met in Soho as you prowled the streets for another one-night stand. Or, at least, none admitted to playing the piano in the brief time together. But the fact was a fact. No matter how embarrassing or mortifying to say out loud.

Another fact was that as soon as you had noticed the piano in his apartment, the images started multiplying in your head, strengthening the undeniable truth that you did have a thing for pianists. Neil included.

“Well, that’s excellent news to me, Cupid” you could hear Neil’s smile in his voice as he placed his hands on your hips and turned you in the embrace to face him. As expected, the smirk was already there. As was the gleam in his eyes, telling you that your confession was welcomed. Before you could even consider saving face in any feasible way, he leaned in and captured your mouth in a searing kiss. One that made you cling to his shoulders, desperately seeking more. Whatever that would be. Parting way too soon, Neil gave you another infuriating grin and asked, “Would you like a vodka tonic?”

Despite the sudden desire to punch him in that annoyingly pretty face, you resisted the need and offered him a faux grimace, tinting the response with a weary sigh:

“Yep, I definitely need a drink after this” your gaze flicked over him, scanning Neil from head to toe, searching for places to strike when the time was right.

Which would be soon. Or so God help him.

From then on, it was almost too easy to let go. To fall into Neil and let him catch you. To take what you wanted from him. Unlike that first evening, this time was not slow; it was not deliberate in your mutual desire to understand and to learn. It was a tumble, fast and tasting of vodka tonic and coming back home. But you would never tell him that.

Instead, you touched him, indulging in every sigh, gasp and moan you could elicit. You kissed him, taking everything Neil was offering and demanding more. You let him touch every inch of your skin. And when you could not wait any longer, you settled atop his lap and took him, your fingers tracing the marks you had left on his chest and neck. This, too, was unforgettable.

When it was over, and you left his flat with an amicable smile and a strange ache in your chest, you took the long way home. Walking down Finchley Road, you tried to understand what it was. What made Neil different? Why was it difficult to switch off your head and heart when you were with him? Why, sometimes, when he looked at you, you felt like you mattered in the grand scheme of things? Why did all this matter so much? Why did it pain you to realise you did not remember a single detail from his bedroom? Why the fuck did you care?

But you did not know. You did not understand. With a weary sigh, you stifled the questions and glanced at the sky. The blue moon shone down at you. You smiled back and ignored the doubts.

It didn’t matter.

***

You did not want to analyze why your first thought after getting the cast list for this season’s Nutcracker was to message Neil with good news. Or why you did that before you even congratulated the other girls. Without letting yourself hesitate over the sensibility of your life choices, you took out the phone from your pocket and typed out a simple message:

/ 🏹, 12:57 pm/ Say hello to your new friend, the Snow Queen and the Dew Drop Fairy :)

You did not have to wait long for his reply.

/✝️, 12:58 pm/ So now there’s two of you? Lucky me :)

/✝️, 12:58 pm/ Congratulations, Cupid. I knew you could do it, sweetheart.

/ 🏹, 12:59 pm/ Thank you, you’ll definitely hear me yap about it for the next two months.

/✝️, 1:00 pm/ I wouldn’t have it any other way, darling. How was the audition?

/ 🏹, 1:01 pm/ It was surprisingly easy. Might even say a walk in the park…

/ 🏹, 1:01 pm/ Getting laid the night before might be the key to success.

/✝️, 1:02 pm/ You’re welcome. We can make that a tradition if you’d be so inclined.

/ 🏹, 1:02 pm/ Gladly. You should know I’ll never say no to great sex.

/✝️, 1:03 pm/ So you’re telling me it was great?

/ 🏹, 1:03 pm/ You know that it was, Neil.

/✝️, 1:04 pm/ Yeah, I know. You’re also great, btw. My darling, my sweetheart, you.

The idiotic smile on your face seemed unavoidable as you locked the screen and forced yourself to abandon the conversation for now. Even if just to preserve the remains of your sanity. But also to finally talk to the girls. Somewhere at the periphery of your attention, you could feel their gazes boring holes into your head. Always so attentive and curious, you doubted your manic grin would escape their attention. Unfortunately.

You did not have to wait long for the proverbial penny to drop.

“Who’s that smile for?” the sweetness in Jemima’s tone made you frown as you pocketed the phone and forced yourself to meet her searching gaze.

The girl was a fantastic friend, someone you and the other soloists could depend on whether to borrow an emergency pad or ask for help during rehearsals. But, as you already knew too well, she was also nosy. And ever since you introduced Neil to the squad those two weeks ago, another interrogation was hanging over your head. Now, the time has run out.

“No one particular, Jem,” forcing your angelic smile to reappear, you leaned back in the chair by your dressing table and started rummaging through the make-up bag without looking for anything.

You were not willing to make this easy. To embarrass yourself in front of the girls without a fight or even an attempt at pretending nothing was happening. Never in a million years.

“That sounds like an avoidance to me” Jemima’s voice did not lose a dose of its confidence as she arched an eyebrow and moved closer to your desk to corner you.

Verbally and physically. And your patience was running thin. Stifling a curse, you swivelled on the chair to look at the woman and replied:

“That’s your problem” aiming for a sassy rebuttal, you shot her a saccharine smile and turned back towards the mirror.

The glaring lack of arguments you could offer had to be ignored. However, you were painfully aware that it would not be. Not with them.

As if she could hear your internal crisis unfolding, Grace stood up from her chair, where she acted out the impassioned audience role and joined you on the opposite side, leaning over your shoulder like a keen angel of inconvenience. Her long blonde hair brushed over your collarbone as she met your glare through the mirror and added her part:

“Jem has a point, though. You’ve been somewhat more… cheery recently” as though driven to make you seethe with anger, Grace lifted the corner of your mouth into a caricature of a smile. You swatted her hand away and let out a groan, barely resisting the urge to storm out of there. You knew it would be pointless, only prolonging the questioning until the next opportune moment, “Is that Neil’s doing?” she innocently batted her eyelashes in the face of your ire.

There it was. A collective gasp from the other girls made you roll your eyes as you considered the options. Utter denial of Neil’s existence was now off the table. Sighing, you steeled your spine and decided to lay it all out. The official version. The one you maintained with everyone involved, including yourself.

“Well, we are still friends if that’s what you’re asking. And we might’ve fucked once or twice” the crude addition did what you needed it to as you took note of the resounding gasp, followed by giggles and knowing smiles from your ever-persistent audience.

You hoped it would be enough to stop the questions. If needed, you were willing to impart the knowledge of just how good Neil was at sex. Or how driven he was to make you come each time. That should do the trick.

But before you could even open your mouth to share the dirty details, Jemima patted your shoulder almost protectively and spoke:

“Good for you” worst of all, you could tell she meant it. She was happy you had Neil in whatever capacity you did. You forced your heart not to soften and went back to mindlessly sorting through the make-up. Soon, she proved you right, yet again, “Does that mean you’ve gotten over your little hang-up?” although the question could not have been any less straightforward, something about how she asked made your attention prick up.

Despite your wish to at least appear unbothered, you raised your head and turned towards the woman with an arched eyebrow at a ready:

“What do you mean?” the glare in your eyes was there to assure Jemima that your guard was still up.

That she had not succeeded. And never would.

You stared into her hazel-green eyes as the woman contemplated the pros and cons of risking your fury. Although you had a couple of guesses towards where it was going, you still did not anticipate the question that broke the tense silence next:

“Have you finally joined the club of losers in love?” you certainly did not like the knowing look in her eyes, paired with a soft smile, suggesting that (somehow) Jemima could see into the depths of your heart and soul.

She saw all the ugliness and the fears and was willing to address things you never even dared think of. It terrified you, and you had to look away before she saw too much. Swallowing hard, you turned back towards the mirror and scoffed, falling back on the familiar. It has not disappointed you yet.

“No, of course not” it was easy to throw the assumption back at her as if it was the most ridiculous thing you had heard. It was nonsensical, “You know me. Love doesn’t exist in my book. I’m not willing to fool myself into thinking it could be real. I’m not delusional” the edges of ire crept into your tone, making you spit out the words with more vehemence than necessary.

As soon as your tirade ended, regrets set in. They were strengthened by the sudden silence from the group, taken aback by your reaction. Covering your face with your palms, you hunched over the dressing table and sighed heavily.

“Harsh, love. But you do you” you felt the coolness of her touch as Jemima squeezed your shoulder and left your side, finally offering merciful respite.

One look at her through the mirror told you all the savage words were forgiven. You did not have to atone. But that did not mean you were not already plotting ways to make it up to them. Chocolates and coffee seemed like the best choices at present.

Before you could decide, your phone buzzed in your pocket, and you took it out to look at the screen. Another text from Neil.

/✝️, 1:27 pm/ Do you want to visit the church tomorrow?

/✝️, 1:27 pm/ I figured it’s time you uncovered the greatest secret of my existence.

/ 🏹, 1:28 pm/ Oh, fuck yes.

/ 🏹, 1:28 pm/ Where do we meet?

/✝️, 1:28 pm/ Canary Wharf station. Where we kissed that one morning. Be there sharp at 9 am.

/ 🏹, 1:29 pm/ You know it, babes.

And just like that, your mood has lifted.

No, you were not willing to understand that either.

[dameronalone]

The post you just reblogged about infantilizing autistic characters and specifically Steven Grant is actually one of my favorite things ever and I wished people talked about it more. I remember watching MK when it first came out and seeing Steven and being like omg he’s just like me!! because a lot of the times I don’t really connect with autistic characters for one reason or another but seeing Steven and seeing him have the same mannerisms and characteristics as me was so so wonderful and the fandom was great at first and it seems like the more time passes and the farther we get from when the show stopped having new episodes, he gets characterized so differently than how he was in the show. Like yeah he was awkward and unsure around Layla but also look at the circumstances!! Everyone’s turned him into an uwu baby child and forget that he got angry and he was smart and he was brave and he was an adult man and not a child regardless of him being autistic. Idk, I just really liked that post and I was so glad to see someone on the same page as me and I wanted to share my thoughts lmao

dearest anon you are more than welcome to come in my inbox and talk abt Steven, autism, and how irritating fandom ableism is, because I'm always ready to talk about any of it. I'm glad that you felt seen by my frustration! a lot of times I'll mention it or even post about it and it's like yelling into the void

I think the wonderful thing about Steven is that he feels so authentically autistic, him and Marc both (and im assuming Jake as well, but it's just too soon to tell in which ways he will experience/be visibly autistic) and I think that's both the uprising and the downfall of it because in not using the word "autistic" in the show it paves the way both for genuine connection AND the surface level ableist "aw steven" mentality we see a lot now

i was watching the first two episodes the other day, mostly because I'm rewatching for Steven- an aside, but fandom had honestly put me off Steven. ofc I loved him so much but I couldn't truly connect because the (imho) accurate Steven that I liked to think about and analyze is NOT the Steven we see in 98% of fanfiction or tumblr posts. but anyway I was watching the first two episodes and I gotta say, for as much nervous stuttering as he does in fanfiction, he really- listen I think he does a reasonable amount of nervous stuttering when he is IN truly stressful situations that have him completely off kilter.

you can't really script your way out of a conversation with a creepy guy trying to tell you abt his lord and savior ammit the croc

anyway. all this to say, I completely understand where you're coming from and I'm really glad you felt seen in my own frustration. it's always validating to see someone else verbalizing a deep rooted but glossed over issue that bothers you

just!! reiterating your point!! he's knowledgeable!!! he's angry!!! he's incredibly brave!!!! he's not afraid to stand up to Marc or khonshu or harrow or anybody!!!! he's an adult man with a job and a place to live!!! that doesn't make him any better or worse than someone who may not have a job BUT people just love to turn autistic ppl into helpless little uwu babies and its SO obnoxious and irritating and insulting. he IS capable!! Steven is SASSY he is a BITCH he fantasizes about killing his boss!!!!! he bargined the world for marc (and his) freedom!!!! hello?????

steven would not like the majority of the people who claim to like him..

at any rate lmao. my inbox is always open!! happy to talk 🫶

[karizard-ao3]

My reactions to the End of Evangelion

First, I know I have some asks about romcom Shinji waiting for me, but I felt I must watch this first because I am a little bit freaked out about what's going to happen and I need to just face it and get it out of the way. Also, I have a feeling I'm going to want to think about cute romcom Shinji afterward to aid my recovery. I have been led to believe it's pretty intense.

I am literally sitting here with the remote, avoiding pressing play.

Okay. I did it. It's starting.

I wonder if this is with the new VAs. Did they redub this as well? I'll find out soon.

The world is flooded, it looks like.

Shinji visiting Asuka and asking for help.

This is the new dub.

Ope, he accidentally made her naked.

Jesus Christ, Shinji.

Confirmed that their intent is to force humanity to evolve. They wanted to use Lilith but instead will have to use Unit 1, its only offspring, since the Spear of Longinus is lost.

Yui chose to stay in the Eva. "The human condition lies in how it struggles for survival".

There's Rei.

She finally broke the glasses.

Shinji's music player ran out of battery. He's just been laying there thinking about what a creep he is.

Misato found the real truth behind the second impact. Should I go back and pause to read the page?

Seele's trying to hack NERV HQ.

So was Unit 0 made from Adam, then?

Wait. So, Seele wants to do the forced evolution, yes? What is Gendo's motive in all this?

They're hiding the kids in their Evas. Rei is missing.

Shinji is hiding. Is he jerking off again?

These guys are going through and very efficiently killing everyone in NERV.

No, Shinji is just feeling depressed and hopeless and probably hating himself.

How does Rei feel about all her destroyed bodies?

They were about to kill Shinji and he was going to let them, but here comes Misato to save the day!

"Help, Asuka. Help me." Suicidal Shinji.

Humanity caused the second impact by trying to revert Adam to an egg state before he could awaken any more angels. Humanity came from Lilith and is the 18th Angel. I was not expecting that.

The other Angels were humanity how it could have been.

Shinji needs to destroy the Evas to prevent the third impact and save mankind.

Okay, so the human instrjmentality project is Gendo ans that's the forced evolution. Third impact is Seele's goal. I think.

Asuka has woken up.

They're bombing outside her capsule.

Does that let her sync?

Did she see her mom because she died? Oh no.

Oh, wait, it was the first thing.

The AT field was her mother protecting her? Is her mom also in the Eva? Are they really just farming people's mothers to make Evas?

Go, girl! Kick ass, Asuka.

She's so happy to realize her mother loves her.

There's the other Evas. Are they also crafted from mothers?

It's nice to see Asuka with her confidence back.

Which one got shot?

Misato.

I thought probably given ep. 25 (was it?)

Shinji does bad things to other people to hurt himself.

That's a good message from Misato.

And then she went and did that. Ugh. Misato, I knew you were going to do some shit like this. And promising him the rest when he gets back. What a weirdo. But I guess she's dead now? That's too bad.

Ritsuko is sabotaging Gendo.

But she failed.

The spear of longinus is back and it got her!

I was wondering if they would stay down. She probably has to destroy the S2 drive.

Do these ones have pilots?

Oh, they're eating her. And she is connected by nerve link.

Ohhhhhh no. Asuka...

He couldn't go to the Eva so the Eva is coming to him.

He saw what happened to Asuka and absolutely lost his shit.

Should I take a break to discuss this half of the movie since it's split into episodes, or should I wait? Umm.... I have until the end of this song to decide, I think. Uh... I think I'll just wait until the very end.

Rei's arm fell off.

Gendo wants to reunite with Yui, which is something I had kind of toyed with as an idea because he talks about her a lot and is very partial to everything that relates to Yui except for Shinji (maybe sees too much of himself in the boy), but I hadn't really spent a lot of time thinking about it because I hate Gendo and he keeps hooking up with other scientists.

He has become one with Adam somehow. He needs to unite Adam and Lilith to commence the human instrumentality project and then go to where Yui is (the quantum plane, perhaps?)

Quite honestly, I'm still not completely clear on what Seele wants versus what Gendo wants.

He stuck his whole hand inside her.

Rei senses Shinji screaming.

Were there two spears of Longinus?

Oh, they made a replica.

They are rerutning man and Evas to their true forms.

Several replicas.

They're going to use Unit 1 and therefore Shinji as a sacrifice.

This is the lead up to the third impact.

There is a huge explosion.

Looks like an eye.

They're returning earth to its true form?

Rei decides not to help Gendo. And she regrew her hands. She's going up to help Shinji by going in Lilith.

And with that, Lilith is fixed, with her legs not weird anymore.

That is Lilith, right? That's what Kaworu said?

A giant incorporeal Rei to the rescue!

Shinji screaming at the sight of Rei.

They're syncing with Rei. Once again, that's a lot of fucking Reis.

Shinji is losing his mind.

kaworu appears, coming out of Rei's body. But there's the spear. It's absorbed the spear. Now he's in the tree of life.

"Rei is in your heart. A perfect reflection of your wishes."

"What do you wish for?"

He's alone at the playground because the other kids went home with their mom and he doesn't have one.

His little Mary Janes.

Built the sand castle, knocked it down in a fit of rage, then started trying to put it back together and crying.

Did this stuff Shinji is seeing actually happen or is it happening in his head as part of human instrumentality?

Now he's choking her.

Seeing all the worst of humanity.

Shinji bouncing back and forth between everyone should die because they don't love me, and I should die because I don't matter to anyone.

Rei just sprouted from the atmosphere.

Everyone is truning to jelly. Primordial soup.

"I'd only hurt Shinji. That's why I left him alone." He's just like Shinji fr.

The Eva series are shoving the spears further in.

Rei is vacuuming something into her palms, it looks like. Is that souls?

The tree of life thing just went into the eye hole/ keyhole/ vag in her head.

Now we've got some actual footage from the real world.

"You made a convenient fantasy to get revenge on reality."

Rei and Shinji are kind of fused together. Everyone is merged into one, which is what Rei said Shinji wished for. But he realizes that's not really what he wanted.

AT fields are what keep us separate and cause our pain, but Shinji realizes that he wants to be with others again more than he wants to run away from the pain.

So now Rei is bringing everyone back, I think?

Yui wanted to make the Eva to be a testament that humanity existed even after the universe dies.

Shinji wakes up next to a red sea abd Asuka. Shinji sees Rei for just a moment, and then she'd gone. There is a red ring around the earth. He's trying to choke her and crying, then she touches his face softly and he stops. He cries. She calls him disgusting and the movie ends.

In Conclusion

Well.

Well, well, well.

First off: I am still confused because it seems like Seele and Gendo were trying for the same thing and I am really not sure of the difference. Maybe it was just a matter of how they wanted to carry it out. I feel like I must be dumb as a rock for not getting it, but also maybe it's just mental priorities. I spent more mental energy trying to figure out other stuff.

This movie leaves me with a lot to think about. I'm already googling things about it, but I'm going to stop for now. I want to let it percolate a bit more, I think. Also, I should watch my DVD extras! Probably not today, though. I need to spend some time with my kid.

It seems that the third impact still affected the planet, but Shinji elected to have everyone be individuals so it was an apocalypse but not one that turned everyone into a single, liquid consiousness.

I don't really think everyone's Eva is infused with their mother, but I'm a little perplexed by Asuka saying her mother is why she has an AT field. Maybe she just meant because of how her mother shaped her identity. Not really sure. I mean, I would understand if Shinji had that revelation but not sure on Asuka.

Yeah, this is another one that's going to have to sit for a while in my head, I think. There's a lot to sort through.

I do love that the connection between mother and child seems to be so important in this series. It's kind of sad because Shinji feels so alone and uncared for, but we can see that his mother is always watching him and protecting him, whether it's as Rei or as Unit 1 or as a metaphysical version of herself. But we also see Asuka dealing with a lack of love from her mother. That poor girl.

Also, can we really love anyone when they are mixed together in a soup with us? Shinji could be merged with everyone in the LCL sea but they were no longer separate people, so he still couldn't really be with them, because there was no longer a them to be with.

I do slightly wish the objectives between Seele and Gendo had been slightly clearer. I get that it's all secondary to the real message but I get hung up on this kind of stuff when it's not clicking.

Yeah, I don't think I've got anything really definitive to say right now. This is definitely another thinker and I need time to let my thoughts form.

I am left wanting more. Not of the story, but just of seeing the characters together. I wish we could get an Evangelion slice of life series and just see their day to day lives as Eva pilots with only a very loose plot to tie the series together. I want to see them all existing and coexisting and I think I could happily watch several seasons of that.

Okay, well, I have a couple people to text now that I've finished the movie and I need to sit and think some more. I want to look up more stuff but I feel like maybe I should wrap up this watching experience with a better conclusion post. I think I will try (only try, no promises-I've got a head full of questions) to hold off on looking anything up while I sort through things and maybe look at my notes and then attempt to gather together my thoughts and post them.

I will also think about those Shinji romcom asks.

This was a very good show. I will definitely be watching again, and quite possibly very soon. I confess that I put in a bid for a boxed set of the Perfect collection, which should have the original dub, so if I win it I'm going to buy it and then watch it with the original dub because I'm curious to see the difference.

[yourlocalnerd07]

So about that post I made about CoHost

Turns out it was all a fucking lie. Check out Kaara's response. This was a complete lapse in my judgement and I am fully to blame. My sincerest apologies.

Oh, and please get cohost plus to support CoHost especially after this whole incident. (it's at the bottom of the settings page which is linked.

Instructions on how to get mastodon are still below if you'd like to hop on early!

So about that CoHost....

So uhhh. One of the cohost peeps turned out to be uhhh not a cool person. I only found out about this after a mutual brought it up to my attention when they showed me a post.

If any of my mutuals are still here, get off of cohost and add me on the fediverse. My handle is @maelstrom071@computerfairi.es and you can add me by clicking the follow button and entering your instance name, or going to your home page and typing in that handle into the search bar.

If you have no idea about Mastodon or the fediverse and just want an account, I suggest making an account at wetdry.world. If you want a similar experience to transfem.social but don't feel comfortable joining that instance, there is of course lethallava.land, and you can still add me on there to get notifications for my posts. There's some brief information on this page about some aspects of mastodon, but you can always feel free to send me a DM on Tumblr if you need any help with anything!

Now, you may be asking, "How is the fediverse going to solve this?" Well the thing about it is there is no one central company or server to run it all, it's an interconnected web of servers, each with their own rules and governance. If that all sounds confusing to you, don't worry! You don't need to think about it. It just means that there's less likely to be controversy and messy migrations. Migrating from one instance to another is as easy as clicking one button and all your followers get copied over automagically.

Juuuust as a reminder: I'll be sticking here on Tumblr for the time being. I don't see this changing any time soon because I'm stubborn as a stick. They're not getting rid of me or any of the others. They can try if they want to, but I won't let them win. I'll at least give them a fight. I just want to give you guys a way to still connect to me if I get banned or we truly lose this site. Additionally, the fediverse isn't quite so mature yet. There is no good Tumblr-like experience and the closest thing, wafrn (wiki), is still in development. But the seeds are sown, and so I will wait patiently until they ripen and once they do, that's when I jump ship (But that'll be so long in the future, you won't have to worry about me leaving. I'll probably still be here, though, for the foreseeable future)

Feel free to spread this around to your mutuals to share the news MASSIVELY IMPORTANT UPDATE and help them get on the fediverse, a more permanent solution. I've archived the pages in the first paragraph in case they disappear, just add "https://web.archive.org/web/*/" to the beginning of the URL.

[melitheduck]

I don't feel like sleeping

So here's some late night thoughts!!

Yeahhh my dad did NOT like me as much as I liked him hmmmm...

Ah, why did I do that???

I totally just trauma dumped on my teacher for the writing portfolio... feel kinda bad.. but also not at the same time? I don't know what to feel about her as a teacher just yet

She never gets my name right... I mean, neither does my chem teach... and my math teach... but my math teach is cool! She gets a pass cause she does try. My Chem I just gave up on him, not because of him, but because I'm too tired. It's 7th period, it's chemistry, and I just want to go home. So he can call me whatever mispronounciayion ig???? My lit teach just like can't accept that my name is pronounced this way????? Huh... though she did say sorry? I think?

Oh, yeah, that was full blown just like really sad stuff I wrote.

But like it is supposed to be on my life and what events impacted me the most and the people of my life and why they're the most important to me. So like!! The lore is vital! It fits the conditions!

Ehhhhhh

Though I do wish I changed some parts... like the one I wrote about my name and the proper pronunciation of it and the history behind it... if I just put that chunk in... maybe she'd learn how to finally get my name right. I should probably just tell her, but I don't have much of a good moment to.

Oh and now my lit classmates that are not so lit are calling me by the wrong name too. Unfortunate, but I'll have to bear with that

I like my blanket :)

Ohhh! I have a Chem test on Monday. Dang...

AND a math performance essay!! Dang! I am NOT prepared

Ehe, time to cram when I wake up♡♡♡

That is, if I go to sleep after♡

I really like my blanket :) it's so nice

Dude I gotta read a book, I wanna make connections from books to life to scripture to school again

That was real fun

And it still is

Love House on Mango Street

So good reccommened 10/10 lovely spectacular

Author Cisneros is a genius

She is so lyrical with her stories and crafts such beautiful waves of lines

Every line is like standing on the shoreline and having only your feet be washed by the mini wave

It's about a girl named Esperanza, and she's in that awkward phase of becoming a woman. There is indeed s/a and implied s/a though. At first it seems light and just about a girl who doesn't like where she is, but it starts to get heavy. I think from "Papa Who Wakes up Tired in the Dark"? Or maybe "Monkey Garden" I forgot which one came first. The chicken or the egg... I think it was "Papa Who Wakes Up Tired in the Dark." But yeah.

It will seem confusing at first, how "random" as my classmates say, the vignettes are. How they're "not connected" and "all over the place." But no, believe me, there is a connection between each vignette. There is one specific theme that is indeed consistent through multiple vignettes. I had such a huge fit of joy when realizing it and finding the connections for my performance essay over it. I love it dearly and enjoy that it is "random." Cisneros is a genius.

It's something that I think one should read twice, to go back and realize what was said here and how it appears there.

I also remember a classmate, when asked, "what changes to this book would you like to have to better enjoy it?"

"If it was written by a man."

And I was like O.o

Buddy... this.. this book... the dedication page is literally "to the women." Okay... and it's the story of a girls development...

Okay. Ig because you're a guy you don't get it???????? Idk?????? Yeah! Yeah!!

He sounded so confident saying that, but also, please. I'm sure we will read a book about a transition of a boy to a man too. Sometime... soon? Idk, and maybe then I will realize what you mean. Maybe then.

Oh yeah, some people at this school are really rude. But there's also really sweet people too. I was very shocked by the girls rudeness when she stepped on my foot twice and told me, "Learn how to f-ing walk"

Unfortunately, there are many, many students in the hallways, and I can not avoid everyone's feet and path. Just as much as you can not avoid stepping on my foot.. twice.

Now my foot being stepped on is normal because of the many people in our school, but that response was not. I also step on people's foot by accident. We simply give each other a quick sorry and go off on our ways. Sometimes a polite smile and "no worries" or "it's okay"

Now I wonder? Is she okay? Maybe she was just having a bad day or failed a quiz, but I was not going to simply take that. So I.. cursed at her, too. Something along the lines of "You're the b- that stepped on my f-ing foot." She stayed quiet after I told her that. And we went our separate ways. Tbh, I do not regret it. Childish, maybe. But no regrets. I don't even remember her face, honestly. All I remember is that she was short and rude.

But putting her aside, there are gentlemen in this school! And very nice people! There are those who hold the door for others, insist on letting me go first( though that one dude in the lunch line was kinda pushing it. I told him to go first, but he was like, "no, you" "no, you literally allowed like five people go before you, I think you should go-" "No, please, go first. It's alright. " "No, it's not." "..." "..." "You can go first, really." "Fine, but only because we're holding up the line." "Okay :)" ) he's nice. I remember we argued who would hold the door last year, too. I did win that argument, though, with a good claim and reason. "Here, you go in first" "no, I can hold the door for everybody else." "That's usually my job." "Yeah, but you always end up running." "I..." "Yeah, I don't mind at all. My classroom is right next to the stairs, so I'll make it in time. But you're in AP Human, right? Your class is very far away, I don't want you to be late." "...okay :)" ":)" ) anyways, he always stops before entering to thank me or the person holding the door ( my friend decided to hold it one day cause I was lagging behind ) so, very nice! And many people do apologize if you bump into them or they bump into you and step on your foot and hold the door open for you and insist you go first when it's obvious they were there first-

Moral of the story: people are nice here! Majority of them are! With just a few minor exceptions.

People are also really pretty at this school... like... REALLY pretty.

I miss my 9th grade lit teacher. He was fun :) I hope I have him next year! I remember him saying he taught 9th and 11th grade literature classes. I hope he teaches AP Lang cause I'm planning to take that class for 11th. I know he teachers Honors American Lit for 11th...

Mh, anyways!

I just yawned for like thirty seconds.

Hahahaha

Do you guys sleep with stuffed animals? I do. And my friend judges me for it :(( he's all "just sleep with a pillow!" "No!! I love Angel!!(Lilo & Stitch)" "I am silently judging" "wha- that's not very silent of you."

I'm making a friend in art class!! Finally!! I have no friends in art! So glad to have her here!

Ohhhh I gotta finish a paper for Chem... ah crap.

I was eating an onigiri while my Chem teach was explaining what to write... and uh, nobody else was paying attention. They all just simultaneously zoned out as he was literally telling us the answers.

And like eating an onigiri... my friend made me... I was locked in... enjoying the flavors... and also spacing out and daydreaming what other onigiri flavors would be good. And I prefer the spicy tuna mayo one over the spam musubi one. Though I do wish the spicy tuna mayo was more spicy, but he was also making it for me and our friend, who doesn't have the best spice tolerance, so hm!

I am craving a hamburger... interesting.

Huh, this bed is kinda old. How old is it?? I think I had it since elementary... I can't remember exactly when, though. Love it always!!

"Snork- kkkkk... khaaaa..."

I wonder if I snore? I snore when I'm sick, but I wonder if I snore snore?

Snorlax

My favorite pokemon is Gengar. He's such a silly little guy. Love him.

Banana.

K is Potassium, it looks like a banana if you look at it from its side! Somewhat like ㅈ <- banana!

Na is Sodium. How do I rmemeber this? Pokemon! Nacli Stack! He is a salty rock

Hg is Mercury, I think. I just rmemeber it cause well uhhh it's funky! Also liquid Mercury and Hg reminds me of silver.

Ag is silver

Au is gold.

Silver weighs less than gold(? I think?) And g weighs less than u. In two ways to think about it: g is grams and u is unit. Grams is a Unit. It is under unit! So silver is under gold! And when thinking about Aufbau, we can apply it to here. The first is lowest and goes first. G is before U, so it is lighter(?) Something along those lines!

N is nitrogen

Ni is Nickel

Ne is Neon

S is Sulfur

Se is selenium

Psyduck

Psy.

OPPA GANGNAM STYLE

Ayeeeeeee

Sexy lady

Oop-oop-oop-oop-oop- OPPA GANGNAM STYLE!

sorry for letting you down team, back in like third grade, during the battle of the books thing😔 I knew the answer, but didn't share it with yall... I didn't understand the rules 😔 i thought I was against yall😔

Don't know why i suddenly rmemeber that

Hm well whatever

Man... I just yapped for like an hour straight. Hahaha!

[brb-on-a-quest]

Day Fourteen Day Fifteen Day Sixteen

im SOOOOO SORRY that I left you guys hanging those two days! *cries* the first one I genuinely forget, and the second I was too busy to do it- and I think that this is not the first time this might happen, since the farm (oh yeah, if you're not one of my regular followers, you should know I'm a farmhand lol) is picking up steam, during my down time Im trying to do more physical rest for my body to recover. which means unfortuantely, Ive been spending less time on here in general, and that my longer posts that take more time to write have had to pause for a while.

so, I'm sorry to say but this is the last day i'll be able to do this for a while, but maybe forever. I've had so much fun with it and loved to see everybody's different answers, and how we've all connected!! but for at least a few days/weeks, I need a bit of a break lol. if anyone wants to pick up this game again, with the same list of people I've given already or different ones, you are more than welcome to! and I'm not leaving Tumblr, I'm just not going to do this particular ask game anymore.

our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

thank all of you so much! I hope to return again maybe sometime! I wish you all the best :)

Awww no worries gracie! take care of yourself first. Def appreciate all the work it must've taken to come up with good questions. I'll be sure to haunt your inbox soon with hopefully some equally thought-provoking (or not) questions.

ok, actual question: our final question: what is something that you you want in your life, and what can you do to achieve it? what steps do you need to take to earn the life you see yourself living?

To be honest, this question has haunted me for the past...well since before high school. (has it really been almost 10 years since I was a baby highschool freshman?). To be also perfectly honest, my depression and anxiety were so bad I was never convinced I would make it as far as I did... which allowed me to put off answering the question for a long while until the Hour of College Applications approached.

Well, against all previous conceptions of my future, I am still alive and about to graduate in December (literally how) and set to walk across the beautiful stage in May to get my undergrad diploma with some kind of academic honors (I forget the Latin for it). Definitely not the highest GPA, but I am relatively proud of myself considering the effort and, for lack of a better phrase, blood, sweat, and tears that have gone into this. So, steps that need to happen in order to graduate

Pass classes (Preferably with A's but I'm also in a position where hopefully my self-esteem won't die with a B or 2).

Write and Finish my thesis (shaking crying throwing up I don't have enough capacity for this even if it's only 15 pages in Spanish)

Study and hopefully pass a GRE (graduate school readiness exam I think? 'cuz I'm told it's a good idea for master's school applications I can not stress enough how much I hate standardized tests and am so anxious about this that I haven't even opened my books yet, I've just been throwing myself into thesis research instead; I 'know not all schools require this but I'm going into something that's not my major, so I feel some kind of need to prove myself).

Apply to graduate schools for counseling!

Only four things... it shouldn't be so bad.... one would think... (can I please just skip to the part where this is over why do people call college the best years of my life).

The other thing I want to work on is just being a better person and in particular a better friend. My goal is therapy, particularly pediatric therapy because it's such a neglected area where I'm from and also in general I think because there tends to be stereotypes of "oh children can't have mental health problems." but doing that means I want to develop more compassion, friendliness, and patience and gentleness and actual listening skills while being assertive...yk an environment that nurtures personal and other's growth. Which is really hard. Progress has been made but still more to go.

[iminyourbookshelf]

Songs I think fit Frubbo because yes

Of course this is my own opinion, you don't have to agree. If you want to add anything just feel free to do so! And as always this is the character, not the content creator.

I'll add the song, artist, the meaning of the song when you search it up, and the lyrics that made me think of them.

Be Nice To Me by The Front Bottoms

The waning days of a mutually self-destructive relationship

"But you're a killer

And I'm your best friend

Thinks it's unfair, your situation"

I feel like this might soon reflect on what's to come. Fred keeps repeating to Tubbo about how he's not someone he should be trusted because there are things he's done that aren't good.

"Well I try to write you poems, but the words, they don't make sense

My hand tries to grip the pencil, but the fingers are too tense"

Sometimes when Tubbo is writing letters to Fred, the message he's trying to convey can come off wrong. Such as the first instance of him inviting Fred on a picnic and Fred interpreting it as him asking him on a date instead of just a hangout. Not to mention the two aren't that good at voicing their emotions to eachother.

"And I try to show emotions, but my eyes won't seem to wet"

This reflects Fred's struggle with dealing with emotions. Though he's trying to learn human emotions, technically he's still not allowed to because of the Federation.

Favorite Poison by Fuller

Bad choices in dating

"You get high on breaking rules

Cutting lies and blurring truth

I got lost after finding you

Can't cut, cut, cut you loose"

Tubbo often liked to mess with Cucurucho by explicitly breaking rules because of his dislike of the Federation. Fred as he grew closer to Tubbo also started to loose trust for the Federation, and as stated in one of his letters "For the first time after living on the island I can't make firm decisions." Hence the "I got lost after finding you" lyric. He's grown to close to Tubbo to want to stop being his friend as well

"Your a bad habit and I'm a bad boyfriend"

Fred has been reprimanded for keeping a connection with Tubbo, though despite that he still keeps exchanging letters with him. Possibly being a bad habit. Yes Fred and Tubbo aren't dating but the "I'm a bad boyfriend" reminds me of when Fred called himself a bad penpal

"I don't know if I'll ever change

You never asked so I didn't say

Maybe it's love because I feel okay"

This could be Fred wondering if he'll ever learn human emotions fully, and questioning whether or not what he feels for Tubbo is love.

No Time To Explain by good kid

The change that comes with getting close to someone and how it can be scary, yet uplifting at the same time.

"I said I don't like change but I'm not afraid

I can't keep it together ever anyway

When every page is in disarray

I think we'll be okay"

Fred feeling human emotions for the first time is quite a big change for him. Despite that, Tubbo is there and willing to support him through it. This reminds me epecially since the lyric is "We'll be okay", not just "I'll be okay".

Oh No! by Kevin Walkman

Letting your walls down and allowing yourself to fall for someone.

"I know we could be more than friendly-

What does that even mean?"

At first Tubbo intended to just be friends with Fred, obviously that didn't work. I view this part as like one of his awkward attempts at telling Fred he likes him while also trying not to make him uncomfortable

"And oh my God!

We could admit that this is odd!

Love at first sight is bullshit now

But look at your face"

Tubbo and Fred's situation-ship/friendship/whatever Fred is calling it I think is probably best described as odd. Though they weren't 'love at first sight' I do feel like Tubbo figured it out earlier on.

"Oh no no shit really hit the fan"

In context it doesn't really work, but the mess of 'Is Fred a 50 year old man'? Or Fred telling Bagi that he never wanted something romantic reminded me of how I felt trying to catch up on everything lol.

"I can't tell my girlfriend I'm gay

Cause she spent eight months thinking I'm straight, oh no!"

Once again in context it doesn't fit but it reminded me of that one dono Tubbo got that said Fred mightve been straight, so basically kind of the opposite of this lyric

[softguarnere]

Fic Writer Interview

Thank you for the tag @mercurygray!

How many works do you have on AO3?

Currently 6, but hopefully that number will go up over spring break

What's your total AO3 word count?

119,136

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Like A Girl (Like A Man) - Band of Brothers

Just A Kid - The Outsiders

Bear The Burden Alone - The Chronicles of Narnia

For Whatever We Lose - Band of Brothers

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes, absolutely! I share my writing because it allows me to connect with people who share my interests. If I'm not posting replies, it feels more like a one sided conversation, imo. Also, it seems the polite thing to do

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

It's about to be Like A Girl (Like A Man)! You'll see why soon >:)

What the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

On AO3, it's probably Bear The Burden Alone, but I try to keep the fics that I post here on Tumblr kinda upbeat with hopeful -- albeit open-ended -- endings.

Do you write crossovers?

Yeah! For Whatever We Lose is actually a crossover with The Pacific, and I'd love to do more crossovers in the future

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yep! I've deleted the comments, but some people were VERY ANGRY about the background Babe/Roe content in LAGLAM -- you know, despite the fact that the plot of the fic is driven by a queer woman's decision to cross-dress. Guess they had to draw the line somewhere, but the hypocrisy of it all makes me chuckle

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Kinda? I deleted most of it from the original LAGLAM drafts and instead just alluded to it, but things are going to be different in FWWL. Get ready for crappy ocean metaphors and religious imagery, babes!

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I hope not :( That would stink

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not to my knowledge

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but I think it would be fun!

What's your all-time favorite ship?

Everlark! (said while frothing at the mouth because they make me go insane) I've been obsessed with them since I first read The Hunger Games at age 9. I could write you a whole novel about why I think they're perfect together, but I'll spare you the ramble (unless anyone wants it?)

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

Tears in my eyes when I tell you that it's probably the requests in my inbox. I keep telling myself that I'll get to them, but I've just felt unmotivated with all the stuff I've had going on in my personal life/at school. I really really do hope to get to them someday, though, because some of them will be really fun to write

What are your writing strengths?

I have no clue, lol. I tend to get compliments about how I describe settings, so I'm gonna say that!

What are your writing weaknesses?

My abuse of commas and italics.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Personally, I love doing it. Especially in a fic like LAGLAM, where even though most people don't speak the language I'm using (Cherokee), I feel like they can still see the importance to the characters and to the story. And I like tricking people into caring about Indigenous language preservation. My teachers told me that anything can be a vessel for carrying language on, and by God, I took that to heart

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Oh boy. I was in the fifth grade. I had won many writing competitions. Two classmates approached me and told me that they wished The Hunger Games had more post-Mockingjay Everlark content, and that since I was a good writer, they wanted me to write it. I was traded many cosmic brownies and other such snacks throughout the year for my services in providing my classmates with Everlark fics on pages of notebook paper that are probably crumpled up in a landfill by now. At the time, I had no idea I was writing fanfiction, but it was the start of my favorite hobby. Look at me now, baby!

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

I've always wanted to write for TURN: Washington's Spies but have never had the courage haha

What's your favorite fic you've written?

I have a couple of one-shots that I'm pretty pleased with, but currently I'm going to say LAGLAM because it's been so special to me <3

Tagging (but no pressure!): @almost-a-class-act @latibvles @footprintsinthesxnd @liebgotts-lovergirl