#i'll post my rant about it here in a min.

[kokuycku]

"That's impressive. That's too impressive."

[skrunksthatwunk]

playing dmc1 with my earbuds in (but on low volume bc they're being weird) while my roommate and her shitty bf argue. i feel like i'm recreating the very specific experience of some child of divorce out there

[alphabetboyluvr]

PALLADIUM - MYG

title credit: palladium- greyson chance

pairing: dilf!yoongi x reader // friends to lovers, slowburn, eventual smut

synopsis:

min yoongi is urgent.  in the way he bites his nails down to the bed, and the way his sore fingers type out desperate sentences just minutes before deadlines, he is urgent. how he prepares jaehyun’s day bag before grandma comes by, and how he double checks everything is packed, he is urgent.  the requests for you to watch over jaehyun each and every deadline day are, always, predictably, urgent. but the way min yoongi falls in love with you is slow. gradual. tepid. until, like everything with min yoongi, it becomes urgent.  

wordcount: 3.2K

note from holly: this was a prompt from a winner of one of my kofi quizzes! was supposed to be a drabble but now we are looking at a lil three parter. no smut in this part, just setting up our dynamics <3 yoongi is a boy dad! idc! argue with the wall!!!!

PART TWO // PART THREE

minors dni // cross posted to wattpad

"I wouldn't ask if it wasn't urgent," Yoongi pleads across the bakery counter. Nails bitten down to the bed, he's got bags underneath his eyes. Hasn't been sleeping well these days. Hasn't really been sleeping at all.

"I told you last time—"

"I know, I know," he sighs, pushing off of the countertop and pacing a few steps away, raking a stressed palm through his long, dark hair. Dishevelled, he hasn't had it cut in a while. You'll never tell him, but you think it looks better this way. "Look, it's the last time. I promise. I just really fucked it this time."

With a raised brow, you fold your arms over your chest. The apron beneath you bunches a little awkwardly, but you've never cared much for composure around Yoongi. Have simply known him too long and seen him through too many clumsy stages of life to be bothered. 

Tipping your head back, you exhale a sharp breath from the very depths of your lungs. 

"You are so lucky Jaehyun is an angel baby," you eventually say, shaking your head as you reluctantly agree. "What time do you need me?"

"Deadline is at midnight," Yoongi says, "So whenever you can get to mine, really. Mum has him till seven, but then she's got Bitch'n'Stitch—"

"Hey," you scold. "My mum goes to that knitting group, too."

"I'm not calling her a bitch—but I've heard their conversations," Yoongi reminds you. He swears they don't actually do any knitting (as if they haven't handmade half of Jaehyun's closet). Thinks they spend the entire time gossiping. And while yes, they do do a lot of gossiping, they can multitask. Unlike him, apparently. "But fine. She has her knitting group at seven."

Yoongi will never simply call it a knitting group, if he can help it. 

Bitch'n'Stitch is his go-to, but he's also partial to Stitching Hour. 

Last week, you'd just gone on a rant about how it's inappropriate to insinuate that all women of a certain age from your small town are witches—"Women used to get burned at the stake, Yoongi. Burned!"—so he knows better than to say it out loud today, even if it makes him laugh whenever he thinks about them knitting on broomsticks.

"I'll probably be outta here at just gone six," you tell him. 

It's the late shift, so you're responsible for closing and cleaning up, but after two years of part-time work alongside your studies, you're a dab hand. Can action off every item on the to-do list in record time, and to a standard even your boss can't achieve. 

You're wasted on a small town like this, but someone's gotta do it. 

"That's fine," Yoongi nods. "I just need to straighten this essay out and get my citations done. You can go as soon as I'm finished—and hey, you can order takeout. I'll pay."

Knowing Yoongi, he's probably surviving on instant noodles, and spending all of his money on Red Bull and Jaehyun's meticulously planned diet. 

Jaehyun's been off formula for about two months, now, and Yoongi is terrified of feeding him the wrong thing. By the looks of his slightly skinnier-than-usual frame, he's the one in need of a good meal.

And so, as you're doing your final tasks of the day, you don't bin the breads that need to be chucked. Instead, you bag them up. All of them. The pastries, too. Will just have to hope Yoongi has freezer space.

By the time you make it home, you've only got ten minutes to spare for a quick shower before you need to rush to Yoongi's. You'll be a little after seven, but it's fine. You've resigned yourself to staying at Yoongi's until midnight, now. 

It's how it usually goes. 

He'll work up until his deadline, rewriting and revising paragraphs that are perfectly fine and need no alterations. His own worst critic, you know that he really doesn't need to stress himself out like this.

Still, he does. You think he'll always be this way—at least, he was in high school, and he remains to be this way, even in university. Too much of a habit has been formed. It's ingrained in the ridges of his brain. Pink and permanent—just like the pout on his lips as he opens his apartment door for you later that evening.

Forearm tucked under Jaehyun's pudgy thighs, Yoongi cradles his son into his side, as a look of relief relaxes onto his face. It's a stark reminder of why Yoongi stresses himself out so much. 

You can afford to make mistakes. The only person you have to answer to is yourself.

Yoongi doesn't have that luxury anymore. Hasn't done for a while, now. Won't ever get it again—or at least, not for another seventeen years.

"Hey," he whispers, then casts his eyes down to Jaehyun's sleepy head. Nestling into Yoongi's shoulder, Jaehyun's dark hair now has a little length to it. Much like his own, Yoongi is refusing to cut it. Another thing he's scared of getting wrong. 

The subtle nod Yoongi gestures towards Jaehyun is a request for you to be quiet. 

You're familiar with his paternal habits by now; the behaviours he exhibits only when he's wearing his invisible 'Dad' hat.

He tucks back against the door, letting you walk on through and into his apartment.

Shoes off by the door, Yoongi locks up as you shake off your jacket, and hook it on the empty peg in the middle of the rack.

Small and a little dark, Yoongi hates his home. Is strapped for cash, so turned the open plan kitchen and sitting room into a studio-type set-up. Has his bed where a sofa should be, and manages to cram everything somewhere. His desk, his small keyboard, his clothing rail that he really needs to reorganise. A bunch of his things are in storage. 

Jaehyun's room is what once was Yoongi's. It's got the most natural light, thanks to the window placement, not that it matters at this time of night. The curtains are drawn, playmat full of yellows and oranges scattered across the floor. Beside it, is Yoongi's laptop. The screensaver is running, and it's pretty obvious he'd been playing with the little toy octopus sprawled across the keyboard instead, when you had arrived.

"Bit late for nap time?" You question quietly as you pop your phone on the charging pad Yoongi keeps on the dresser.

Nodding, Yoongi gently rests his son down in his crib. These past couple of days, everything has been a little out of sync. He feels guilty—like he's failing—but the pressures he's been putting on himself are just getting far too great. He's doing the best he can, but it always feels like it's not enough.

But Jaehyun is loved, and sheltered, and provided for. Yoongi is doing all he can. He just still isn't sure he knows how to be a dad.

Which is silly, because as you watch him stroke across the dark hair that sits flat to Jaehyun's scalp, quietly monitoring his condition, you think that Yoongi was made for this. Is far more paternal than you are maternal.

Truth be told, you don't like kids all that much.

Your idea of a fun evening doesn't typically involve hanging out with an infant, and yet you'll do it for Yoongi. Of course, you will. Have known him for too long and have been through too much with him to not help him.

Plus, you really do adore Jaehyun. Sweet as can be when he sleeps, he really does look just like Yoongi at that age—or so you gather from the baby pictures you've seen a dozen times over at his parents' place. It's easier to count which features they don't share. Saves ever needing to do a paternity test, not that Yoongi would do one anyway.

Jaehyun is his kid. A little bit of DNA wouldn't change this fact, not in his eyes.

It worries you. Not because you think Yoongi isn't his father—again, they're too alike to not be related—but in case his mother decides she wants to play an active role in Jaehyun's life. You fear that the 1% of doubt could come true and tear any legal right away from Yoongi. You're not really sure how the courts would work it all out, but you doubt they'd side with him. 

Yoongi was never meant to be a father. Not now, at least. The outcome of a one-night-stand, Jaehyun's biological mother didn't realise she was pregnant until it was too late. Had no real choice in the matter. Was also nearing the end of her tenure in law school. A kid was not—and remains to not be—a part of her plan. 

You know the documents were signed. Legal rights, shit like that. Know that she must have an understanding of the law far greater than Yoongi. Just hope she hasn't done anything that will fuck him over in the future.

Still, it's not a topic of conversation Yoongi likes indulging in, and so you don't push, no matter how much you'd like to know the details. 

"Let him sleep," Yoongi eventually sighs, before sinking down to lie on the rug. "Better he rests while I'm working—and plus, he slept through till five-thirty this morning."

"Till sunrise?" You chirp, a little surprised but conscious of keeping your voice down. 

Yoongi nods, face rubbing against the carpet. "He's basically a teenager."

Rolling your eyes, you reach down for his wrist to drag him to his feet. He's got an essay to finish. 

"Shut up," you smile. "You've barely stopped being a teenager."

Sometimes, it makes you a little sad to think that Yoongi is missing out on his early twenties—but then you glance across to Jaehyun and know that he's not missing anything. Just experiencing different things. That's all. 

"Don't remind me," he grunts, lamely getting to his feet, letting you pull him down the hallway as you swipe the baby monitor that lives next to the charging pad. You'll come back for your phone later. 

"C'mon, gotta finish your essay. Can't be a DILF unless you get this degree."

"Untrue."

"You'll just be a D without a good job," you tell him. "DILF's are always suited up."

"That's simply not true," he doubles down. "I've been told I'm a DILF at least, like, six times. Maybe more."

Definitely more. If he knew the way girls on campus spoke about him? God, his head would be so big he wouldn't be able to walk through doors.

But for now, you shoo him back through Jaehyun's bedroom door and to his sitting room-come-bedroom. The apartment isn't large. A baby monitor isn't needed, yet one is set up by Yoongi's bed, regardless. 

And so, as Yoongi knuckles down with his work, you flop onto his bed, and take prime babysitting position—though you're pretty sure you'd get fired if you ever got under anyone else's sheets on the job.

But it's late, and you've worked a long shift. You're only gonna rest your eyes for a moment. A second. A fraction of one, even. Just to hydrate them a little. Replenish your—

You're out like a light.

The curse of Min Yoongi's bedsheets. You really should have known better. It happens every damn time. You know this. He knows this. 

Yet when he eventually wakes you, neither of you mention it.

"Hey," Yoongi mumbles as he gently nudges your sleepy body. Flopping down beside you on top of the duvet, his exhausted eyes close instantaneously. 

"I'm going, I'm going," you grumble into his duvet, half asleep but knowing that you should go and check on Jaehyun. 

The baby monitor hasn't made any noise to wake you, and Yoongi's just been with him for the last twenty minutes, quietly watching on as he slept. Is pretty confident he's gonna sleep through again tonight. 

Reaching out to pat you down, Yoongi doesn't really acknowledge the way he accidentally taps your ass. Nor do you. Just sort of pretend that he didn't. Pretend that it didn't make your heart race a little.

"S'fine," he says, voice muffled by his need for rest. "He's still sleeping. Just checked on him."

"Sure?"

"Mhm," Yoongi nods, the sound of his hair smooth against his sheets. "You gonna crash here?"

"You all done?" You question right back. Shuffle, and his hand lazily moves with you. His wrist now rests on your hip, and you both pretend like it's normal.

"All done," he confirms. "Was late, so I've lost ten percent, but whatever."

For someone who stresses himself out as much as Yoongi does over his grades, as soon as he's hit the submission button, he just ceases to care. Has a 'what'll be, will be' attitude towards it all. Part of you wishes he would adopt that mentality when he's actually writing his essays.

What you don't realise is that it manifests from the same fear. 

He panics and panics and panics before a deadline—and then is so worried about his grade that he just pretends like they don't exist.

Too sleepy to care at this moment in time, Yoongi's placement of his wrist on your hip becomes more intentional. Deliberate. 

It's not like you're a stranger to the weight of Yoongi's arms draped over your body. Not like it's the first time—it's just every time it does happen, you swear it'll be the last.

It never is.

And it's not like it's anything illicit. Not anything you shouldn't be doing. Nothing that takes you beyond the realms of friendship—but it does threaten the integrity of your oldest connection to another human outside of familial ties. 

So every time Yoongi gets a little too close, or you find yourself lingering a little long on his words, you tell yourself to stop. That this is just a symptom of the dry spell you've been going through.

"Are you staying here tonight?" He asks.

Again, it wouldn't be the first time. Have been having sleepovers with him since you were kids. Ghost stories, midnight feasts. Sneaking out to the park to find UFOs and stopping by the corner shop for snacks. 

Once high school hit, it was deemed unwise by your parents. Open door policy. 

You'd been furious. Outraged that your privacy was being taken from you, and being told it was for your own good.

And so sneaking out the park became sneaking in windows; films watched with headphones on, dinner eaten in your bedroom under the guise of a melodramatic teenage strop, but actually shared with the boy from two doors down who knew better than to deceive your parents.

All innocent. Nothing that required a closed door. Those escapades were saved for—or wasted on—other people. Either, or. Neither you nor Yoongi gave it much thought. Why would you?

Friends, is what you were. What you are. What you always have been.

Which begs the question: why the fuck is Yoongi looking at you like that?

But then the wrist of Yoongi's resting on your hip becomes his hand. The grip becomes intentional. The stillness of your body comes not from tiredness, but from trepidation. 

"Do you want me to?" 

"It's late," he husks, thumb stroking against your hip as if that's what friends do. "You're off tomorrow, right? Don't need to go home?"

"Right."

"Well, then stay," he shrugs, loosening his grip to roll onto his back. The ceiling is far less interesting than you are, but he has to stop looking at your lips and wondering if they taste like the strawberry lip balm you'd tossed on the side cabinet earlier. "Makes sense."

"Stay?" You question as if he still needs to clearly outline that, yes, he'd like you to stay. "And do what?"

"Sleep," he dryly replies, because it's the obvious answer. Because it's what you should do. You're tired. He's tired. Jaehyun is asleep in the next room over.

"Sleep," you nod. "Sounds good."

Domestication becomes you in times like these. A toothbrush sits in an old glass on the top shelf of Yoongi's mirrored bathroom cabinet. The rest of the shelves are pretty much empty, but he always puts it up there. Says it annoys him anywhere else.

"Surely it's more annoying having to get it down for me every time I crash here?" You banter with him as you lean against the back wall of his bathroom, waiting for him to retrieve it. 

Plucking it from the glass, Yoongi is swift with his movements, and the way he wets the brush, puts a pearl of toothpaste on the bristles, then hands it back over to you.

"Doesn't bother me," he shrugs, turning back around to shut the cabinet. When he does, he's greeted with your eyes in the mirror, and a feeling in his stomach that should bother him. 

See, the D in Yoongi's DILF actually stands for dependable (although occasionally dickhead also fits). He likes being asked to do things. Likes being helpful. Useful. Knows that he depends on you far more than you do him, and so he does this to settle the score. 

You help him pass his exams, and he helps you keep good dental hygiene habits. A win-win situation. 

Leaving you to finish washing up, Yoongi does the final checks of his apartment. Bolts the door. Turns out the lights. Makes sure Jaehyun's day bag is packed for tomorrow with his Grandma. Adds the day's clothes to the laundry pile. Stands in the doorframe of Jaehyun's room to just simply watch his son exist for a little while longer. 

He loses track of time doing this. It's a nightly routine, so you think he'd get used to it, but he never does. Still can't fully comprehend that a living, breathing creature relies on him for basic survival. 

Sure, he hides your toothbrush away, and puts things out of reach for you just to get you asking him for help, but this is different. He cares about nothing more than making sure Jaehyun is surrounded by abundance: love, shelter, food. Everything the world has to offer, Yoongi wants for his son—and that's why he's working so damn hard to make sure it happens.

There's a tenderness to how Yoongi strokes your back when you stand beside him. He's far gentler than he used to be. Benevolent with age. Isn't the same kid who used to chase you around his parent's yard with a worm in one hand, and a pile of mud in the other. 

"C'mon," you whisper, walking away because you know you need to break the contact. "Let's rest."

Yoongi nods. Is slow as he tears his gaze from his son, but just as stoic as he watches you saunter down the hallway and into your bedroom for the night. His bedroom.

You slip out of sight, just in time for Yoongi to exhale the air in his lungs. His sigh is full of unspoken words. Uncertain terms—and as he follows you down, he wonders how many more secrets will bloat his lungs throughout the night.

[io-lu-art]

PUUUHHHH ok I neeeeed to rant about this cause I am watching the Acolyte as I am writing this down and I am RAGING rn. (take this with humour, pls, it's nothing bad, I promise you, lol)

requested page cut for spoilers:

So, 4 min into Episode 6 and I am wondering, that's totally Ahch-To, right? Like, that's, that's so obvious. At that point I was just waiting for the Porgs to appear (tho, did they exist 1000 or what not years ago? idk) LOL. WDYM "Unknown Planet"?

But let's put that aside.

Then the scene continues, I will not comment on it too much, HOWEVER I totally see why people say it's reylo coded. And the more I watch the more I go like NO, NO, NO plllllsssssssss don't--

THAT'S LITERALLY WHAT I AM PLANNING FOR MY FANFICTION, GUYS YOU CANNOT DO THIS TO ME, DO I NOW HAVE TO WRITE "I HAD THIS IDEA BEFORE THE ACOLYTE CAME OUT" AFTER EVERYTHING I POST OR WHAT? I cry.

No but really, I have proof:

This was not supposed to see the light of day before I would actually get to the point of illustrating the fanfic, but I guess now I gotta put it out there + plus this is the part of the story that I still have soooooo many other scenes to write for to connect and actually get there, hence why it freaking takes so long to work on it with uni and life happening, but--

*sighs* I mean I guess it's your average day to day trope but I am still- I... *another sigh*

I don't even read fanfiction on a daily basis. It's a wonder if I do it once every 6 months LOL. I don't even know if it is in fact a trope or not.

here, have an even rougher version from literally almost one year ago when I put together a pdf for a friend to give me feedback on in which I added some story beats that I drew around the "am I your prisoner?" scene:

You know what? It's fine. This is fine. Totally fine. It happens. I'll go on and continue watching the Acolyte ep 6 now. I stopped at min 10:50 to write this post. Let's see how much more reylo coded this actually gets. (I have seen a spoiler on Tumblr with (I believe it's) Osha holding the red blade against guy's neck.)

(I don't even know their names lol. That's how invested I am in this show. Not at all, really. But I thought, ok, let's stay up to date with the star wars fandom. I regret that now, ngl XD)

(It's not even the first time this happens to me. Remember the scene from Ahsoka when someone cuts Ezra's hair with the lightsaber? Yeah, I had that planned for a later interaction between Rey and Kylo. Welp. I refuse to post proof for that rn. It would spoil the story.)

This is so surreal and funny to me, I cannot.

[helluvapurf]

Thoughts on latest HB ep "Ghostf**kers" (*now that I've regained a bit more energy post-Halloween weekend lol*):

So the newest ep of HB has came & went from what I've seen- aaaand naturally feels like the best time for me to finally ramble about it now that its settled in my brain some more .3. Thoughts (+Spoilers) below~ NOTE: Most of this -does- get a lil rant-y below sooo... read at your own risk lol .w.;;

First things out of the way to start things off on a good note, the Pros:

To start off with... FINALLY we got some Millie focus for a major episode plot (-or more specifically, focus that doesn't get revolved back to Moxxie somehow lol)😭👏👏. Even if she still lowkey had to share the spotlight with Blitz, their friendship actually felt pretty sweet & compelling the more I watched them (esp their backstory & how Millie was allowed to stand up for herself + while also acknowledging the good in Blitz, once they talked things out 🥺👏). Which ngl, after these previous episodes reigning down HARD on this dude... idk, just felt refreshingly wholesome to see for this series, yknow?😊

New villain Rolando was pretty cool, and surprisingly spooky to watch as the second-half went on oml- .o.;; While I'm still a teensy bit confused how his powers/demon lore work (at least to what we already know about Hell limitations crossing to the human world, ex. succubi & their crystals), his underwater monster vibe gave some fun visuals to watch up until the climax. I'm not 100% familiar with John Waters' works, but damnnn he should take up voice-acting more often ngl~ 👀

FINALLY MAMA TILLA MAKES AN (on-screen) APPEARANCE 😭😭Her whole vibe & Blitz's clear love and regret over what happened to her... hhhhh my whole heart ;n; 💔

That pink client lady (Rita, I think her name is?) who assigned the hotel mission? I dig her vibe, its cute~ :3

I.M.P. feeling like a legitimate workplace family for once, with even Loona & Moxxie getting a nice lil moment towards the end?? More. Of this. Please. 👌👌

Even with the lil undertones of the Stol*itz drama from the past couple eps, I very much appreciate Blitz (+the show itself) acknowledging that what's been going is NOT a breakup ('cause... yknow, they never actually dated to begin with lol🤷‍♀️). It may not 100% fix how messy that particular narrative's been handled as of late (which I'll get to in a sec-), but eh... its a start in the right direction, I guess? .3.

Enjoyed all the colorful flashback looks given, never would I have thought I needed mercenary!Millie with a fluffy ponytail til nowww hlkjlk😩❤️

Aaaand as for the not-so-good bits (imo), aka the Cons:

Pacing felt kiiiinda all-over-the-place, I'll admit; like one min we're wasting a good chunk on Blitz's whining fest at the start (+some other pointless banter at the hotel), then the next it feels like we're breezing past Rolando's presence as the "big bad" by the end. Which... I guess I shouldn't be too harsh on given the production drama behind-the-scenes (aka: the leaked content that had to be cut & redone awhile back)... buuuut yeah, its just one of those things you can't help but notice either way 🤷‍♀️

Humor-wise wasn't... exactly at its strong point here, mainly just a lil overdone in the sex joke department imo though I guess thats also a bit par-for-the-course in a series like Hellaverse ngl- lol

Now, idk if this may be an unpopular opinion or not; but was I the only one who felt like Blitz's month-long mope fest over Stolas pretty... OOC, all things considered? .-. Like, okay its one thing for Blitz to still be understandably upset over how the last two eps went down (but being the "boss" he is, continues working anyway to keep I.M.P. afloat, as seen in the HB shorts)... but for Blitz of all people to just randomly use ALL his company's funds on useless junk, force his daughter Loona to stay up all night/not go home, drive Moxxie in a panic from all the budgeting issues this past month was just... wut- 🤦‍♀️ ...Mind you, this is meant to be the SAME Blitz who not even a few episodes ago begged Stolas to not take away the Grimoire (aka the key to his + his employee's livelihood), clearly being willing to do anything to not lose all he holds dear. You seriously expect me to believe he'd be the type to throw that all away (for a WHOLE month) to whine over some blue-blooded bird not noticing him? ...Yeaaaaah sorry, but I'm gonna have to call bs on that, chief 🙄

Kiiiinda tying in the last point, but as much as I enjoyed the tense thills gained from the "Rolando enters Blitz' mind to make him see his own flaws/past mistakes" sequence... I do have a few issues with some of these other "flashbacks" added to the mix: 1) Loona's groin kick towards Blitz in "Seeing Stars" (*wasn't Blitz's fault since ALL he did was tell her to be nice to clients... and was right about to apologize to Loona just seconds before the kick 😒*) 2) Blitz pushing Stolas' hand away in "Ozzies" (*which Blitz only did after Stolas hide his face/didn't defend Blitz during the song*) 3) Stolas' hurt expression at the end van scene of "Ozzie's" (*mind you, taking place while Blitz is rightfully standing up for himself/telling off Stolas for being a privileged creep all of S1*) 4) Stolas trying to present the Asmodean Crystal gift in "Full Moon" (*a whoooole mess in of itself I already covered prior-*) 5) Stolas angrily walking away from their pool fight + trash-talking Blitz in the "Motherf**kers" song + drunkenly dumping his problems on him + making out with a whole other dude in front of Blitz (*again, a huge mess I covered prior but TL;DR... most of that WASN'T fully-Blitz's fault in those instances??😑*)

Like... I dunno man, I don't mean to sound like I'm just ragging on Stolas per-episode as of late... but these last few points just keep giving me mixed signals than any genuine idea as to WHY Blitz even has these "feelings" growing for Stolas, atm?🤨For any canon couple in fiction, I WANT to see reasons for why they work best together, what kind of interests/aspects they've got in-common, what special "spark" is there that helps them stand out above all the other dynamics in-canon... but from what I see so far on Blitz's end (& the narrative continuing to dogpile on him being the "problem"), it honestly feels more like he's only now fallen for Stolas out of guilt... not because Blitz actually wants him for him, y'know? :/ Which... ngl, sounds like a really sad precedent to send for a main-endgame couple, imho... 🤷‍♀️

-------

Soooo yeah, all that rant-y rambling aside... not a bad ep in the grand scheme of things! 👍👍Here's hoping the last few remaining eps (+possible shorts) for S2 keeps up the good work! 🙏

[timextoxhajima]

Sonder: Part V [Final]

Parts: I II III IV V

member: enhypen heeseung! x oc! woo ki yeom [3rd person pov]

genre: coming of age, slice of life, angst, romance

w/c: 4k

taglist: @missychief1404 (i had this chapter written out months ago, but you're the reason why i decided to post it! thank you for reading <3)

warnings: topics on religion, distressed relationships, mental health (I want to leave an a/n here that I grew up with my maternal family being Buddhists so what I've written is based off what I researched online and the way her family practised Buddhism. I'm personally a free-tinker and this narrative is not in any way meant to offend nor support any particular religion.)

synopsis: after being kicked out of her home, Woo Ki Yeom is forced to live life on her own. struggling to find herself in the midst of her chaotic life, she meets lee heeseung, who, like her, can't give any more fucks to life than she does.

"n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own."

Author's Note:

Before you embark on the closing chapter of Sonder, I would first like to offer you a virtual hug! <3 Sonder is a love letter to all lost relationships (be it familial, friends, romantic). In the last few months of 2023, I lost a couple of friends whom I trusted. I'm still in the midst of healing and recovering from it.

Sonder started out as an angry rant when I felt anger from the falling out, but I couldn't bring myself to continue because at some point, I felt like this wasn't the right way to cope. I was still angry and hadn't come to terms with it. But the longer it took, the more I realised I just wanted to heal, and that things truly just happened. No amount of anger was going to undo what was done. They had apologised for the things they did, but I reacted by cutting them out, and I'm not sorry for it.

The chapter has ended, but the book doesn't.

I hope you have found comfort in Sonder, be it through the eyes of Ki Yeom who represents my anger and process of healing, or Heeseung, who is lost in life and has no direction. Perhaps through the eyes of Ji Yeon, who simply did what she thought was right but yet it wasn't, or Ki Yeom's father who had neglected to care for something when it was in need. Last but not least, Ahn Yoo Hyeon, who is my innate desire to be my own person, but cannot, due to the things that naturally bind her to her purpose in life.

I'm not sure when I will write again, or if I ever will, but if I were to leave one last story for my readers who have been with me for the last couple of years since my Capital Letters and Hostis days, I thought it was appropriate to write Sonder.

My ask is always open and I still do check Tumblr every day. I'll try my best to respond if any. I hope that my words, stories, and characters stick with my readers for years to come.

Writing for everybody has been an absolute pleasure.

With Love,

Dana

"So this is the million-dollar book!"

"She'll kill you if she knows you touched it."

"Have you?"

"I didn't touch it but she showed me once."

Gasp.

"Yeah, go through my things while you're packing," Ki Yeom pushes her way into her apartment, a folded box in hand.

"Jun Yeol touched it first."

"I was curious," He closes the book and places it on the table. "It doesn't kill to be a little curious where all your ideas are stored, is it? I can't believe you've shown it to Heeseung but not us!"

"In my defense, I'm rarely curious about her shit," Heeseung raises his hands in surrender and shrugs.

"Then how did you get her to show it to you?" Soo Min squints at him.

"I caught him snooping around my stuff so I caved and let him see it," Ki Yeom finally gets the folded box into shape and pulls out the tape.

Her colleagues' jaws drop as they scream 'unfair', rolling their eyes as they pick up the book to flip through it again.

Ki Yeom can hear their whispering as she packs her newly bought pot-and-pan and kitchenware, and it cracks a little smile on her lips, knowing that she would miss their voices and their bickering in the years she will be away.

In truth, she doesn't know if she would even be coming back.

They must think she's selfish for taking up the offer that their boss had offered her elsewhere and overseas, but even if they did think that, it's not her problem, is it?

She gets the box taped up and she stands up straight, turning around to see that they've gone back to helping her pack the rest of her things. But Heeseung was still, backfacing her, head looking down and his arms barely moving from where she could see him.

So, she walks over and tiptoes, trying her best to look over his shoulders without letting him know she was right behind him.

"Hard to believe this was six months ago."

Ki Yeom relaxes, rolling her eyes as she walks around him.

In his hands was the letter her father wrote her, with the wrong unit number written on the envelope.

"What can I say, time waits for no man," Ripping the letter out of his hands, she crumples it into a ball, playing basketball with it into the trash bag they had by the door.

As the ball of paper lands in the plastic, Ahn Yoo Hyeon appears by the door, purse hanging from her forearm and sunglasses pushed onto the crown of her head.

"I was wondering if they had taken the day off to come help you."

"Honestly, a waste of time!" Jun Yeol dramatically replies. "She has nothing."

"It's good to travel light where you're going anyway," Ahn Yoo Hyeon takes a deep breath and looks around the apartment. "Let me know if you need anything before you fly. I'll see you on Sunday at eight."

Then she turns around on her heels and leaves.

The funniest thing about the last six months is that Ki Yeom wondered how different it would have been if her 'arcs' had been spaced out or in the wrong sequence. How strange was it to have all the events lined up almost one after another?

Sometimes, just for fun, she would imagine if she hadn't met Heeseung, and her father hadn't written the wrong address. She wouldn't have met him because neither of them cared enough to talk to each other.

Imagine if Ji Yeon hadn't showed up. Ki Yeom knew for sure that nothing would've changed. Ji Yeon would still be texting her every now and then, begging her to hang out when she didn't want to.

Imagine if her father hadn't showed up either - Ki Yeom sometimes wonders if he's going to come back again, find out she's moved away, and think about where she's gone.

Then again, that's not her problem either, is it?

"You left a tissue in your machine last week, you know?" Mr Hsien nags at her the moment Ki Yeom appears in his line of sight.

"Sorry!" Placing her laundry bag down, Heeseung helps to push a token into her machine first. "I'll make sure to check this time round."

"You better. Else I'll charge you two times next week!"

Ki Yeom glances at Heeseung. A knowing smile.

"You're not gonna tell him?"

"What for?" She loads her clothes in, fingers digging into the pockets as she does. "He'll be more than happy I'm no longer using his washing machines. Besides, you'll be here to tell him."

"I'm not gonna have a conversation with him telling him where you've gone and why you're gone."

"Well, too bad."

After the washing machine starts its usual humming and vibrating, Ki Yeom sits next to him on the row of seats, listening to the TikTok and Instagram Reels play on his phone while she looks through the digital documents that the art organisation had emailed her.

Ki Yeom hadn't thought that four years of isolation and loneliness could be undone in just six months. Maybe 'undone' is the wrong word.

Though she must admit, she didn't know what she was waiting for. In hindsight, she wonders what it was like to aimlessly tear through each day. It wasn't even that long ago, so she does remember that feeling of emptiness. She wonders if that's the exact same feeling that Heeseung has been dealing with, and probably will have to for longer.

She considers herself lucky. That for her, this four-year chapter is coming to an end.

But it's bittersweet. There's nothing attractive about being in constant fear and worry of having someone unwanted showing up at your doorstep or leaving you messages, but it reminds you that someone out there is still looking for you. This knowledge that someone still gives a shit about you... that's the thing that's addictive and hard to let go of.

Sometimes, she wonders if this is a good thing. Even though she has closed the chapter with her parents and Ji Yeon, it meant that she no longer had a reason to be interlinked with them and vice versa. Her parents are just her parents now. Ji Yeon is now an ex-best friend.

She looks up from her phone and ever so slightly, turns to Heeseung, whose soul is quite literally in his phone screen.

There wasn't enough time.

To explore. This friendship.

Or whatever you called it.

Ki Yeom had never crushed on anybody. She wonders what it must feel like. She always does. She had watched Ji Yeon entertain the boys that ogled over her at school, but she never had one herself.

She recalls the first time she met Heeseung. She was uncouth. Rude, cold and nonchalant. Which boy would like that kind of girl?

She snickers to herself.

"What?" Heeseung asks without looking up from his phone. "The video wasn't even that funny."

"Nothing," Ki Yeom shakes her head. "Though, can I ask you something? Feel free to ignore me or change the subject if you can't answer."

Heeseung hums in response. He scrolls.

"What is it like to have a crush on someone? What's it like to... be in university?"

Such simple questions.

But Heeseung feels stumped. He knew Ki Yeom didn't have the luxury to attend university, but he never thought she would think and ask about it.

He stops and turns down the volume first, then locks his phone and puts it down in his lap.

"The second question's easier to answer. Depending on the crowd you hang out with, university is either a four-year-long party before you go into the working world or... where you go through your existential crises before you go into the working world."

"So either way, it's kind of a shitshow, just whether it's on the fun side or the depressing side?"

"Bingo," Heeseung snaps his fingers and points at her. "The first question, however... I think it's different for most of people. A crush could mean many things. Like an eye-candy, or just a periodic infatuation just 'cause the person's cool or pretty. Or it could be some love-at-first-sight shit that's genuine."

"Do you believe in that? Love at first sight?"

"No," Heeseung shakes his head and puckers his lips in thought. "I mean when you're younger, yeah. I had a crush when I was a kid. Liked her for a couple of years, even though she rejected me right at the start. But my perseverance got me a short run with her."

"'Short run'? How short?" Ki Yeom smiles.

"Like... three months."

"Wow," She laughs and scratches the back of her neck. "Three years for three months?"

"That's exactly what a friend of mine said."

"But you said that was when you were younger. What about recent times? Has it changed for you? I never... had the chance to like someone. When I was in high school with Ji Yeon, I was so caught up in finding myself... with my art and dealing with... being poor. Then not being able to go to college pretty much sealed the deal. My last chance to be a student and a kid and meet people and fall in love and have break-ups was in high school and I didn't know."

Heeseung squints at her. "I don't think that going through all that in high school is advised. I mean, yes, that's when everybody goes through all that, but like... usually it's stupid and messy."

"At least they have the privilege of going through something stupid and messy and not have to worry about... other things. I thought that's what being a teenager is about. Being obnoxiously ignorant about everything else... only thinking about the guy or girl you liked and whether they would ask you out on a date."

He tilts his head at her, eyes looking away as he thinks.

"I think you were destined to... lead a life that the regular person doesn't get to experience. I know how terrible and shit it sounds because it just sounds like I'm trying to comfort you, but I do think you're special. In a resilient and talented type of way. That you were pulled off the average, regular path, and forced onto a better, more rewarding one. Albeit tough."

"Risky game."

"I don't think that if you had spent just a single minute thinking about a guy or a girl... it would've been worth it. It's like asking a God to worry about what color I should dye my hair."

A pause. Ki Yeom nods, a gentle smile on her lips.

"Thank you. For putting it that way."

Another pause. Heeseung was thinking. Then he parts his lips, a breath coming out before a word does.

"For me, I take awhile to like a person. It doesn't come easy nowadays, especially that I'm busy trying to find life fun. But I think right now... I wouldn't know it. I think I would've liked someone without knowing, and then something would happen that made me realise I liked this person."

"So like, 'never knew it until you lost it' kind of concept?"

"Something like that."

Ki Yeom hums in response.

"What about you? I mean, hypothetically, what do you think you're like? If you had a crush?"

"Hm," She rests her elbow on her crossed leg, chin resting on her folded fingers. "I probably have a curse of some sort. All that talk about me being on a more special path would give me tunnel vision, to the point that even if I did like someone and I knew, I don't think I'd stop my life to entertain it."

And just like that.

For some reason, it felt like they had a whole other conversation without even having it. There's a strange, bubbly feeling in Ki Yeom's stomach when she realises how quiet it's gone, on top of the machines' whirring.

She turns to look at him, whose eyes are a little bit sad, like they had heard something he knew was coming, but didn't want to hear. They were flitting between hers, as if waiting for her to say something else.

He blinks, then turns to look at his hands, thumb running over the mild callouses that have formed from playing the piano. Then Heeseung turns back to her, head tilted and eyes unable to focus.

"In an alternate universe... maybe we'll meet in school. And... you'll be the nonchalant, quiet, I-don't-give-a-shit-about-anything girl, and I might find it in myself to be curious about you... In a life that you didn't have to worry about your friends or the way you reacted, about your family or money. In a life where you could be 'obnoxiously ignorant'."

"In a life where I'd be your only problem. A crush that you wouldn't know how to fix or solve. Or maybe leave you with a heartbreak that would change your perspective of life and become a better person."

"I'll admit that I was worried. That I'd be the heartbroken one after you leave, knowing that you bought a one-way ticket and have no plans to return. But I'm no longer worried, because... I think I'd rather be heartbroken while you're still here."

By now he's looking at her, eyes slightly widened and glistening.

Ki Yeom's insides have been stretched, crushed and wringed, like towels on a spring cleaning day.

This gut-wrenching feeling felt all so familiar, and yet, so different.

Heeseung blinks and takes a deep breath, stretching as he leans back.

"I watched you fight your way out of your own life. Your own problems came knocking on your door and you somehow pushed through all those chapters and mishaps and everything. I was not going to be the person who confessed and made you feel like you had to stay."

Then he turns and looks at her, eyes still full of wander despite everything he's seen her go through.

"But now that I know how you feel and what you think, I'm thankful that... You care about yourself. I'm glad that you are the I-don't-give-a-shit-about-anything girl."

"You know sometimes I hate being that girl, don't you?"

"I know you do, but you are, and there's nothing wrong with it."

Ki Yeom frowns, trying to accept it; trying to accept herself; trying to accept that some chapters were never meant to be written. Some arcs were never meant to happen.

Perhaps this acceptance was an arc of itself.

In another life.

On the day Ahn Yoo Hyeon met Woo Ki Yeom, she was having a particularly horrid day. Coming from her, that was unusual. She would never know if it was fate or some kind of sign, but it was the first time in ten years that it rained on her brother's death anniversary.

Just earlier that morning, she had to brave the rain to get to the florist to pick up the flowers she had ordered. But not only was she almost completely drenched by the time she had gotten there, the florist had lost the order form and forgotten to make the bouquet.

Half her day had already been ruined, and she wasn't even at the cemetery.

But her brother's best friend, showed up like an angel, to the florist as she was making the bouquet in a frantic manner. It's normal to see people freeze and get uncomfortable when they meet Oh Jihoon, for he was absolutely covered in tattoos. This included his face, his ears, the inside of his lips and into corners of the body you couldn't see.

"She giving you a hard time?" Yoo Hyeon remembers him teasing her to the florist.

"My apologies! I lost the order form, but the moment she stepped in- I remembered that she had ordered it-"

"Take your time! We're not in a rush."

Yoo Hyeon turns to him, brows furrowed. She lifts her sunglasses and glares at her with those angry orbs that her brother had as well.

"What?" He sits on a nearby stool, holding his phone between his thumb and index finger and gestures out the shop. "Take a look at the weather, would you? You're gonna make her wrap the bouquet up nicely then let it soak and drown in the rain?"

She huffs, wanting to retort but having nothing to say.

"How's the parlour going? Last you told me, you hired a couple of youngsters?"

She glares at him once more, then puts her glasses back on when she decides that he's right.

"The girl's a tomboy gangster and the boy's a gay unicorn. Funnily enough, they seem close."

Jihoon laughs boisterously. Yoo Hyeon can hear her brother's laughter in his.

"You sayin' that he's gay because you know for a fact?"

"He's got bright pink hair dyed down to his roots, and he talks like a girl."

"Hey, now," Jihoon raises both palms and chuckles.

"I think I know when I see a gay man. Plus, I say that with zero offence. What's wrong with calling someone gay if it's just an observation?"

"Ah- There's the education talking," He pauses, finger playing with the piercings on his ears. "You sound like your brother."

"Shocker."

"You know, back in the day-"

By the time Yoo Hyeon had finished rolling her eyes at Jihoon's throwback, the florist had finished wrapping up the bouquet and apologised for the hundredth time. Initially rejecting the payment, Yoo Hyeon knew better than to refuse the service, handing her a hundred dollar bill and telling her to keep the change.

Jihoon had given her a soft 'ooh' in a bid to praise her coolness, and honestly? Yoo Hyeon could barely hide the smile.

The cemetery was about a thirty minutes drive out of the city.

"I always wondered what he'd be doing. Like what would he be working as? Would he be married and have kids?"

"No clue. But, honestly? Maybe zookeeper," He places both hands on the steering wheel as he turns down the winding path, rain drenching the windshield despite the wipers clearing it every second. "Suits him. Not having to wear office attires or deal with people. Married with kids? Not sure. Depends on whether he knocked someone up by accident."

Yoo Hyeon smiles to herself, eyes watching as the trees blur past and the city's skyline blending into the mountains behind.

"Anyway, your interview. You just had one recently, didn't you? For a touring art organisation?" She turns to him.

"Yeah. I'm still waiting on the results but I think I'm gonna get it."

"And when you do, you would have to move?"

"Seasonally, yeah. I guess I'd be spending months overseas, at a time."

"So, you wouldn't be here? On some years?"

Jihoon goes quiet. "Maybe. But you know I'll try my best to come back."

She hums in response. "It'd be different without you here."

"I know, but you know... One of the last things he told me was to never look back. He always told me that the damage had been done, so what for writhe in your own shit and cry about it? Don't think he'd be all that pleased if he knew we were fussing about him. In fact, sometimes when we visit him... he might not even be there."

Now, Yoo Hyeon can't stifle the laugh that comes out.

Later that day, Jihoon had wanted to drop her off at home, knowing that she was drenched that morning and knowing that it wasn't an easy day for her. But something in her told her to go back to the parlour. For whatever reason it was, she would never know.

But grief works in strange ways.

Yoo Hyeon knew that, to some, it was a stretch to think that her brother was the one who led her to Ki Yeom, who was starving and had obviously cried her eyes out when she found her down the street from the parlor, hiding herself from the rain.

But she will always think it was, because it was comforting to think that perhaps, her brother was watching over her, and even the people who might need her help.

She doesn't know why she hired Ki Yeom so quickly. She doesn't know why she felt the need to help her find accommodation. She doesn't know why she felt like she saw something in Ki Yeom, that would lead her to this very moment.

At the airport. Seeing her off. Into Jihoon's care where she will most likely blossom into a whole other person artistically.

"Jihoon's abit weird when you first meet him, but don't mind it. He's covered in tattoos and that's the only thing that's scary about him. Otherwise, he's a loser," She pulls off her glasses and folds the arms inwards.

Ki Yeom smiles and nods, hugging her jacket in her arms.

"Thank you, Ms Ahn. For taking care of me, ever since we met. I really wouldn't be here without you. I mean it. And it's true. Nothing can refute it."

The older takes a deep breath and raises a brow, "You have my brother to thank for that. He's dead, but I'd like to think he was there the day I found you on that street. Jihoon will tell you more when you get there."

Something in Ki Yeom turns sad and sour as she processed Yoo Hyeon's words. She purses her lips, offering a small smile.

"If you ever come back, I expect you to return."

"Of course."

Yoo Hyeon nods with intention, and slides her sunglasses back on.

Ki Yeom turns around, in her peripheral vision, noticing Soo Min and Jun Yeol getting into another bicker as Heeseung approaches her.

He sucks in a deep breath and shoves his hands into his pockets, shoulders shrugged up to his ears.

"New arc, new season."

She smiles, turning to look at the gate into the departure hall.

"It was nice... being a character in one of your seasons."

A knowing exchange of looks. Ki Yeom doesn't know what to say. Heeseung doesn't either. What else is there left to say?

"Will you hate me if I end up treating you like Ji Yeon?"

Heeseung parts his lips and frowns, then a smile creeps up on his lips. "Maybe. But you know what? I don't think I'd blame you. I'm just... a character in a season."

Ki Yeom takes a deep breath, and reaches out to wrap her arms around him, pressing her head into his collar and shutting her eyes.

"You'll be the character that everybody shipped me with, but never got together, and would write fanfics or canons about us if we happened."

She can hear him chuckle in his chest as he returns the hug. He intentionally lowers his head and nearer to her ear, "Accurate canon."

For the first time in Ki Yeom's life, she felt truly free.

Free from all the things that kept her here, free from all her worries and concerns. She was now going to live the life of one of those girls online, talking about how they moved abroad to work and explore a new culture and lead a new life. Ironically, she worried if she was going become one of those girls.

But even if she did, it's not her problem.

Is it?

[sweetshelluvaau]

Alright another little Hazbin rant because I saw the first two mins video Amazon posted up. Slight spoilers under the cut.

Putting aside not really liking the direction of 'Lucifer was a misunderstood dreamer' angle they're going with here: Is God or a God a thing in this universe? If not, who created Adam and Lilith and possibly Eve if Adam didn't create her from his ribs? The Angels? Why? Are the Angels themselves' the Hazbin equivalent of the Christian God in this story? If not, who are they? Why are they scared of Hell revolting if Luci has no interest in getting back at Heaven? Who created the Angels if they aren't The God replacement and who do they serve? Why is Luci being portrayed as another 'sad boi' Viv seems to love?

Heck, I'm not even against the idea of Lucifer not being fully evil if evil at all it's been done before, but to taking away the pride of the Sin of Pride makes no sense? Plus again, we're taking away a character's 'bite'. Are the other Sins even a thing here? Heck, is Helluva Boss still part of the Hazbin universe? It seems like it is considering we see Val has a (adorable I want her) Fizzbot of his own (but that could also just be a fun little easter egg too so that point doesn't hold that much weight compare to some of the others I'm asking).

I have more questions on top of these questions but my brain is hurting just thinking about all of this. XD

Maybe this will all be better explained as we get deeper into the show but idk it feels like this could have been fleshed out/worked on a bit more. There's something here I'm sure, it's just not planned out right. Plus I feel excluding God from the lore or even the show itself is a miss opportunity being there's potential in that alone and not just 'God is the Villian' thing, but with themes of familial trauma, religion, what makes us human....

AU SPOILERS SORTA: I don't even plan on going in 'God is evil' in my AU rewrite thing. He's barely even in the story until the very end and while no means benevolent, I plan on portraying him as well...human. I won't get more into it but hopefully I'm getting my point across.

Anyways, done ranting. Um, I'll try to write/draw some AU stuff being I feel I've been doing nothing more than ranting lately. Any topics you guys are interested in me talking about?

[chiyoso]

hira hira hira !!! hello !!! i wanted to greet once again a happy birthday (if it's still september first) and i hope you had fun when you were outside! i hope you spent your day happily and filled with gifts and love by the people who adore you <3

*rubs hands and clears throat* i now shall state my purpose of being back here again. please be warned about my idea, i think it's kind of triggering

i just wanna see a brainrot of mine be known by other people, and by that i mean [name] being pathetically in love with scaramouche that she lets herself be trampled over, be ridiculed, be the second choice, be out casted, be hated, be used as a mere plaything, be willingly manipulated, be the one always taking the blame until they just break down in tears, wondering what they did wrong that scaramouche wouldn't even look their way (inspired by what i feel what the song is about — i know you by faye webster)

yes, hira, i am perfectly fine, no need to worry about me :3 yes, hira, i don't mind with this mail not being posted !!! and yes, hira, i won't mind that you'll delete this if this made you uncomfy !! i hope you have a nice day, and always stay safe and happy !!!! mwa :3

JIJI — lovely, what a warm welcome (i just got home a few mins ago)

honestly, you've come to the right place, i love reading and writing dark content — and it may be hard to believe, but the things you mentioned in your idea? my little 15-17 years old self experienced it, not to mentio- i'll give you a small little rant about my ex in the past, perhaps to give you ideas in the process as well! (and yes, you can absolutely discuss things like this with me, i told you lovely, i'm absolutely open minded with anything and i tend to have a level headed/calm and open response, even with a taboo subject) without further ado

TW: HEAVY TOPICS, LONG READ, HIRAETH'S RELATIONSHIP LORE UNDER CUT

here, my naive 15 year old idled about in life with suicidal and depressed tendencies. dull, overworked and exhausted, in result of having to perform in plenty of stages that involved my skills as a musician. don't get me wrong, performing itself was great, taking the center stage with my other young performers, receiving gifts after — all was good in that aspect. but the negative began to seed, based off my desires to love or be enticed with the ideas of love, being cared for, being cherished. a busy life became dull, and the bullying i received from my classmates, teachers standing by — my world had dulled, causing me to drop out ultimately. i wanted to be cared for, a voice kept repeating inside my head. familial love in my eyes heavily differed to the love i craved subconsciously.

unfortunately for me, i was too observant, too keen, too aware. aware of my negative surroundings, growing negativity, my growing desire for love, but the world had continued to fail me continuously at the time, until i had enough, until i grew exhausted to the point where i wanted to — well, dying isnt really the best word, but i just wanted to live another life, i wanted to rest, i wanted to sleep endlessly.

and then.

three days. three days before i took action to cease my life, a game piqued my interest (knights chronicle) i was honestly in total auto mode, decisions weren't 100%, you could say i was mindlessly making decisions, my subconscious protecting me in its own way by distracting me with this "game" i impulsively downloaded.

skipping, i met him.

my ex. i had a persona on of course, to hide my abyss. i was a flirt, i was confident, i was who i write today on my fictions. this sudden persona? i have analyzed myself back then, and i've come to a conclusion that it was a persona manifested by desperation, absolute desperation to — yup, that's right, my rooted, inner desires, to love.

oh, i endeared ppl in that public chat — but i dont genuinely know what the fuck compelled me to my ex, but it was a force even i was unaware of why i felt a pull towards him, i still cant answer that myself. i flirted nonstop towards him specifically, relentless i was, desperate i was, but then it happened, i jokingly plugged in my instagram handle in chat — but he, he fucking remembered it, MESSAGED me, causing to stir hidden, brewing emotions, unaware that this simple, yet impactful act, would be my demise until feb-march of 2023.

oh it was lovely at first, i fell "in love" immediately. (nnh im cringing) and i let him know it, but it was one sided at first. i was heartstruck, lovestruck — no, lovesick. and this feeling dissipated any intention of suiciding. he was my savior, he was a savior in my eyes. shit, i was hopelessly... hopeless. shunning my family out, everyone, even my friends, fuck, and it was still one sided after a few months of friendship with him.

but since he voiced out ever so clearly, that he wasn't ready yet

my feelings wavered of course, and this carnal desire to be loved was immense, so, naturally, the husk of me sought out other attention, and i met someone online (imvu), he was sweet, a connection established, things were good — or... so i thought as i was blocked the next day. i was so desperate, so fucking naive and desperate that i went through his friends list and messaged a random friend. oh i was hopeless, so damn hopeless. but the guy unblocked me momentarily, i sought out closure, he reassured, and then just when i thought things were good again, he blocked me, once more. and our last messages together were "goodnight" to each other.

but this encounter with him?

i voiced this whole thing to my ex, and

at that day, at the same time, he confessed his feelings.

quite the coincidence, is it not?

so in my desperate state of self, i grew to love him as intensely, more than before. and things were good, at least for a few months.

relationships, of course, we had to show our "comfortable sides" eventually, no? and that we did. we were... different, too different, the opposite, fuck i cannot- i do not know where to begin. views, political views, the world, our interests, all was different, he was more difficult than i thought, more different, opening a world of new negativity within me, but guess what, i was still hopelessly and naively in love.

later.

all would come crashing down, one topic led to another, then another, until it became an argument, and he would later reveal that he merely saw this relationship — as a companionship. a companionship. not even a relationship. oh! oh! he stated that he viewed me as a puppy, a dog, and he was a master, CARING for the dog. a "conpanionship." by the way, in later, much later events, we would have multiple arguments about me expressing about the past, and if i bring this shit up, he would go

"not again, grace. i thought we were already done with the past, the past is done and i've already apologized"

"not again..."

"can you.... not bring the word (companionship) up? it traumatizes me grace..."

something along those lines. anyhow.

oh, ill indulge you, the moment he tried to leave me the first time — i begged, begged endlessly, crying, choking sobs, worrying my family. he stayed... because... i don't know? did he want us to work? did he pity me? did he love me? did he- yeah i dont know and ive long forgotten.

much, much later, we would have the worse arguments ever, until the rainbows, the sunshines and the good times were buried with our impactful arguments. i will admit, if we werent arguing, all was... fine. not dull. fine.

but shit, our arguments, i would be like this;

H: "PLEASE please... please... please don't leave me, dont leave me dont leave me dont leave me... please... i just- i just need reassurance... reassurance, its all i need, please...."

two ways, he complies because i need to fucking guide him since he cant come up or initiate his own, or he fucking goes away and gets burnt out and needs to leave the "argument"

i was BEGGING for the bare minimum. just- just if you've seen nat's recent scaramouche fic, our relationship was like that, but much more heavier, much more... i dont know.

RIGHT. AND WHEN I HAD ENOUGH AND WANTED TO LEAVE, HE WOULD FUCKING FOLD. HE WOULD THREATEN TO KILL HIMSELF. ?????????¿???2?!2?2!?21!1?

we broke up many times, and got back together many times. it was a cycle, a cycle of hell that i endured for 5 years. not to mention, HE was the one who brought up not having feelinge for him anymore, HE was the one who said he will change, he will end this cycle.

(i also could send ss in your asks if you wish, i dont really mind)

"grace, you're a hypocrite for wanting revenge!"

"this is so toxic..." (him referring to my expressing and begging for the bare minimum)

"please dont tell me im doing the bare minimum" - him, again

i believe im being biased, but nothing can quell the hidden hatred and anger i've developed from being with him lmao

oh when i initiated the breakup talk (again) this year, he beat me first to it, to utter the words. and you wanna know what he said blatantly?

"yeah i... im just scared of it coming from you"

BEAT ME TO IT BECAUSE HE FEARS THE REALITY OF ME FINALLY BEING DONE

and yes, i do not deny the hardwork, the good times, but it is all buried underneath the fucking trauma he induced lmao, the shitty arguments, the emotional trauma, he was so emotionally unintelligent.

and guess. fucking. what.

he started to do the shit ive begged for AFTER i was finally done with him, which was just a few months ago of our officially, official breakup. playing valorant after expressing not wanting to play it, calling it a trash game, playing genshin now but before he found it so utterly boring, and SO FUCKING ON.

ahem. this is just 12% of the contents in my relationship previously, im just shortcutting things because this reply is getting longer than i thought...

genuinely sorry for the vent lore 😭 but i hope this experience of mine helps you in your writing and especially dolly 🫶

[consanguinitatum]

David Tennant Audios I'm Trying To Find: Supermarket Zoo

I've been posting a lot about the rare and obscure David Tennant works I've been able to find, or ones he did early in his career, or....you know, pretty much anything weird and wonderful this incredible Scottish thespian ever did, no matter how niche! I spend a lot of time hunting that stuff down and oftentimes - as this story about my journey trying to find his short film, Bite, explains - I manage to score and find what I'm looking for in a big way. But not always. So tonight, dear readers, I'll switch gears and have a rant about talk about something I'm actually trying to FIND. I'll preface all this by saying I believe I'm only missing a few of David's audio works (well, at least the audio works which I know he did.) Sadly, there's no IMDb-like comprehensive source for the entirety of his audio work like there is with his film and television career: the closest thing to this is the BBC Genome Project, which - while remarkable! - is primarily a source which catalogues audio broadcast over the BBC, not a repository for the names of the actors involved in each audio. The Genome Project has some gems - for example, you can listen to David's remarkably in-depth 45-min 2009 interview for Desert Island Discs, where he talks about his family life as a child, dealing with his fame, and what music he'd take on a desert island - but it doesn't do as well for old audio broadcasts, mostly because prior to 2000 or so, the BBC didn't really keep copies of audio broadcasts! The Project does have copies of the Radio Times, though, so often it is these which provide some clue as to David's audio projects. But they're not comprehensive, either.

All this to say, I think I have the majority of David's audio work. I've found a few more over the years which weren't attributed to him in any other place but his biography blurb in the programmes of his theatre work - and I've found those, too (a few very recently!) But David's done a lot! He's as prodigious with his audio as he is the rest of his career, and I would not be surprised in the least to learn that the list I have isn't as complete as I think it is. He's more than likely done more audios than I currently know about, because....he's David, that's why. The Energizer Worker Bunny! Regardless....I do have a lot of his audios. Put it this way - I have over 120 audios he's done since 1993, and if my list is accurate, I only lack five (!!) audios to make the list complete. Three out of the five I need are early 2000s (when the BBC didn't always archive their recordings), one is from 1989 when he was in drama school, and the last, weirdly, comes from 2010 and isn't even from radio!

This last one is his narration of a children's book called Supermarket Zoo by Caryl Hart, and illustrated by Ed Eaves.

Here are a few of Eaves' illustrations for the book:

from https://edeavesillustrator.com/supermarket-zoo-2

I would LOVE to find this audiobook...somewhere. Damn it!

Supermarket Zoo was published by Simon and Schuster and copyrighted 2010. The ebook was published in 2011, and I believe David recorded the narration for the audiobook sometime before May 2011. The audiobook music was written and composed by Iain Carnegie, and he lists it here on his website.

You can find copies of the book all over the internet. But try finding a copy of the audiobook! Arghhhh!

[pillowfriends]

Lord of Chaos new reader thoughts: Chapters 11-15

Chapter 11: Lessons and Teachers

I messed up and accidentally shared some of my thoughts about this in the last post. I love Verin so much (although getting a POV from her didn't make it any clearer what her goals are).

I also love Taim - he's getting shit done and I admire that. (Side note - I had a dream about him and I don't usually picture characters while reading, but I now have such a clear image of him from my dream.)

Chapter 12: Questions and Answers

The girls might leave Salidar soon. I don't want them to - I like Salidar and I NEED Nynaeve to make some channeling progress. Not that that couldn't happen elsewhere, but she doesn't seem to be making any progress on her own especially when she can just channel through Moggy.

I like Theodrin. She better not be Black Ajah but I'm suspicious of literally everyone at this point. If we haven't gotten a POV from them, they could absolutely be BA!! And she's so kind that it would be a curveball.

Chapter 13: Under the Dust

I'm not getting bored of the girls' plotline in Salidar but it's not exactly progressing. I like it but... what's the point. Where are we heading here. If the answer is nowhere, we're just meandering and hearing about their day-to-day lives, I'm fine with that, but I was expecting more. That being said, I'm here for everything that's going on. Nynaeve's terrible day, Elayne ranting about all the annoyances in her life stacking up... absolute mood.

The whole angreal thing feels a little contrived - how did they know to look for it? - but maybe I just missed something.

Chapter 14: Dreams and Nightmares

Egwene POV! As usual she's being too curious for her own good and not listening to the Wise Ones at all. Oh god I just remembered this is the Gawyn sex dream chapter. I was a happier person before I read this chapter.

Listen. OBJECTIVELY Gawyn is just being a 20 year old romantic boy and his dreams are kind of cute. HOWEVER, I HATE HIM. And I don't want Egwene to be distracted by... all of that. Girl you have more important things to do than simp over this man.

Nicola has Foretelling! I'm shit at predictions but here's what I've got. Lion sword, dedicated spear, she who sees beyond = Elayne, Avi, and Min. "Three on the boat"... I'm not sure. Nynaeve, Elayne and Moggy going to Ebou Dar? Something about the Sea Folk ship? "He who is dead yet lives" is maybe about Osangar from the prologue. I thought "Land divided by the return" was obviously about the Aiel, but it could also possibly be the Seanchan. It seems a bit late for that though, since they came in book 2.

"Guardians balance the servants" - I wonder if that's Rand's goal of his male channelers being strong enough to match the Aes Sedai, "Servants of all." Not totally sure what they would be "guarding," but I feel weirdly sure of this one.

The bubbles of evil are a bit silly, which I feel bad saying because people very much died. Also when are we going to see linking at a big important moment? It's so cool and I totally thought it was going to matter last book.

Chapter 15: A Pile of Sand

I think most of Egwene's dreams are pretty straightforward and I have no prediction energy left. I love the Wise Ones! They're so fun.

Birgitte Wardering Elayne and making her go to bed is so sweet. The fact that Moggy spent the entire fight hiding under the bed is 10/10, no notes.

Show spoilers/future book spoilers beneath the cut.

< last

Based on the show, I feel very confident saying that Sheriam is BA, and I assume that she is in the books as well. The conversation at the end of chapter 15 basically confirms, then, that Carlinya and Morvrin are as well. I'll be watching all three of them closely.

[vanlegion]

So anywho...back to my Bullshit

Edit Note: So it's been a hot min since I've been back and with how Tumbles does the post layouts now, I apologies for the fact the picture is on top - I usually do Text posts and slot pics in at the bottom but that wasn't possible anymore, and then I started going on a tangent about Invincible so... just letting you know, in case you're like 'WTF' . . . . Clearing some dust and deciding to go ahead an throw up some art I've amassed since I've awayed. Still on my Big Mouth fixation (La :D) but also I just binged and finished Invincible the other day and I'm a little stoked on that too. Anywho, here's some Poly V cuteness. Image is called 'Baking 101' and a small rant. Literally I can not NOT love characters played/voiced by Andrew Rannells. I think it's illegal at this point. So yeah, you'll probably see some MarkWill crop up, bits and pieces. So, there was confirmation that Invincible dabbles in Multiverse usage (a tried and true of the Super hero genera) and that just means somewhere by boys are canon and happy. One could wish that for ONCE I could have my ship be the actual canon timeline/universe we follow, but alas... so few ever do. *shed single tear* Not unless Robert Kirkman or another comic artist (with permission I suppose?) were to be all 'You know what? Let's pull a Marvel Billy/Teddy' . . . Or like... I mean, while Nolan sucks ass... like that was *technically* a Superhero/Human married working relationship, with a kid, a house, and everything... So like it's not *impossible* for a Super/Human relationship to thrive. *waves hands* Ugh, It took me ages to finally sit down and watch the damn thing - binge it all in a day, and I'm all up in my feels about this shit and now season 2's trailer dropped for Nov 3, and just haven't had enough time to process it/stay in my delusions. But oh MAN would that be such a Subverting Exceptions part on the TV show to go that way? They've already diverged pretty extensively, apparently. But I digress. Maybe I'll pen something up myself. I dunno.

[bangtide]

any blogs you recommend for a yoonminnie? my tl is deprived and soulless 😭

firstly, it's your dashboard or dash, not tl! i've rbed some posts about using tumblr & will hunt down more, please check them out. i'll discuss army tumblr culture below the read more link.

a tour through my following list yields that nearly all the bangtan blogs i follow are inactive, lmfao. but for basic bangtan content, these were the go-to:

bts-trans (still active, just slow) bangtan (ia) audiorkive (active, but only for new releases) btstwtarchive (active) allforbts (ia, but posted all updates)

as for people and content, here's what i'd have to say about army tumblr culture vs twitter (esp my community there):

the big blogs are mostly gif makers (knjspjm & sugajimin are the two i follow who come to mind). gifs are rlly popular & reposting a gif is offensive.

the same for any sort of content. always give credit to original creators, translators, ect. it's also general practice to link to the source if sharing bangtan content, such as clips.

fic writers, rpf artists, ect are rarer than they used to be due to the porn ban in 2018 when a lot of users left.

but even when you do find them, rpf-heavy text posts (aus, fics, rpf-y fawning) have become unusual outside particular niches. nsfw even more so. most authors just post fics to ao3, and artists focus on art, so on so forth. this is the biggest difference from twitter.

that said, it shouldn't stop you. i'm of the opinion rpf-ing needs to be more visible to those who want to see it.

rpf on tumblr is separated from the real life boys. not perfectly, but more so than on twitter. you should consider tagging rpf-heavy posts & fics as rpf or an equivalent if you post abt it. (my tag for it is "fic-ish")

tumblr blogs are often just people vibing & engaging in what they feel like. even if they're dedicated to one fandom, other posts will show up (jokes, politics, discussion, art, other fandoms, ect), and usually people mix fandoms on one blog.

a lot of bangtan blogs on tumblr are multi group or cover k-pop as a whole.

most of them are sideblogs, meaning op has a main blog that they interact through (like me). this doesn't mean they're more active there.

fanwars between different group fandoms are regarded as incredibly stupid & if you engage in them you'll look very stupid. they don't really happen here anymore.

in general, if you start beef with another blog instead of just blocking and moving on you'll look stupid. fanwars of all kinds are not well-tolerated on tumblr.

solos are more common on tumblr & they're not evil. starting beef with them is also considered dumb. block & move on if you're bothered.

that doesn't mean you can't criticize what you see, but vociferously decrying specific people or subcommunities with no nuance is a bad look.

criticism or expressing negative/neutral opinions of bangtan, hybe/bh, their music, content, and even individual members is normal. some people use it as an excuse to pump their hateboner or go on tirades, but again, if it bothers you block & move on.

that said, reblogging with your addition if you have something insightful to respond with is normal. so is ranting about what you saw without naming anyone.

tumblr is in general a very anti-drama climate compared to twitter. people here truly do their own thing. there are exceptions, of course, but overall you live and let live.

tumblr is also EXTREMELY anti-clout compared to twitter. it's totally fine to talk about how much you like a blog, make a post looking for people to follow or mutuals, ect. making your own post promoting your stuff is even fine as long as it's earnestly about sharing your work. but most people hide their follower counts & don't fixate on visibility. going viral is considered a curse.

lastly, publicizing personal information as a prerequisite for interacting with someone is weird here. you don't need to have your age visible to everyone to follow nsfw blogs without being blocked, for example. minors may be sbed or blocked if op wants to, but not having a public age is normal. anonymity is valued.

@yoonminist is the og yoonmin blog here (another is sugainmycoffee). be warned if you follow me from twt, she's a vers fan. that sort of content rarely shows up on her page, though. using that to segue into another subject i wanted to cover briefly,

top vs bottom culture & discourse on tumblr is not as much of a thing as it is on twitter. this is in large part due to the lack of nsfw + tumblr's overall anti-drama culture, but a lot of rps blogs here genuinely don't care either way. that lends its own issues--namely, the same old underlying sentiments that caring about top/bottom content in a meaningful way is silly, bad, ect & ignorance of how viciously certain communities have been bullied over it + favoring certain flawed but popular narratives. it's similar to twitter but less skewed in favor of one over the other, and vers fans usually do sincerely like it all (as opposed to labeling themselves vers but only engaging with one trope consistently).

crash course concluded.

[amplifyme]

I'm on the "keep the miracle pregnancy" side-- but C'MON CC. You had all of S7 to lead up to his finale, admitted the whole crew/actors knew it was leading up to Requiem's twist, had Amor Fati spaceship (and possibly En Ami chip), so much time and build up you could have done aaaaaand no. You literally threw up your hands, gave us a post-humous IVF timeline that can't fit in S7, gave no explanation for Scully's pregnancy and had everyone dancing around it. 1/2

The best moments of S8 were Doggett and Skinner friend bits and MSR (of course)-- and the MSR was only as good as it got because DD had his micro-expressions and most of Empedocles was add-libbed (even in the scripts it said something along the lines of "they'll know what to do here" or "they do something in this scene.") I HATE Essence/Existence. If I feel all soft and snuggly, I'll cue up Essence's monologue, some of Mulder/Doggett, the babyshower, and SKIP to the last 5 min of Existence. 2/2

The polite person in me wants to say "sorry for the rant" but the petty side of me says "direct all annoyance at CC, he started this." And that's another thing! CC has every right to torpedo his own series; and I'm pretty hands off and will just say "that's not canon", dust my hands off, and move on. But to then turn and point the finger at fans, who were invested (and continue to be in part) in his work and blame them? Wild. ANyWaY, thanks for letting me rant~.  ;DDD 3/2

Hey, I’m always up for a good rant myself! 🤣

I’ll support your support for a miracle pregnancy, even though just the thought of it makes me break out out in hives. I’m a believer in live and let live, and the idea that there is no right or wrong way to be a fan. Having said all that...

To put it bluntly, Chris Carter shit the bed when it came to pretty much anything post-Je Souhaite. There are certain moments in what came after that I enjoy, but I can only do that if I’m able to view them as AU, something completely separate from the series I came to know and love. And it’s not just that I object to the mangled storylines and characterizations, or the blatant retconning he had to do to untangle the mess he himself created. It’s that’s so much (IMHO) of what I loved about the series and these remarkable characters wasn’t there anymore. Everything was dumbed down and simplified and painfully pedestrian. I didn’t recognize anyone anymore. Frankly, I didn’t care to.

You’re correct that CC had every right to torpedo his own series. But here’s the thing: you’ll never convince me that he will ever consider the notion that he’s the one responsible for its steep decline. I think he still believes that everything he touches is golden and he makes no mistakes. Now most of us, if we’re self-aware enough, learn from our mistakes and alter our behavior going forward to integrate those lessons learned and at least try to do better the next time. Instead of doing that, CC gave us IWTB and the My Struggle episodes in the revival. Not just one or two, but four of them, each more badly written and nonsensical than the last. And he still thinks they’re masterpieces of film making and writing. But I guess if you’ve been fed a steady diet of ego-stroking and consume only positive press over a few decades, it becomes difficult to pull your head out of your ass and take a good look around.

As an aside, I took on the challenge, this new year, to finally watch S9, none of which I’ve seen - with the exception of The Truth. I made it as far as Mulder taking a shower in his black boxers and Scully’s, “He’s gone. He’s just gone,” explanation before I bowed out. I can’t do it. I just can’t. More power to everyone out there who enjoys what came after S7. I wish I could see what y’all do, but I can’t. Neither my eyes or my heart are up for the task. 

[annicaax]

Help! I have a new fave!!! PLUST's MIKOTO AMAMITSU

Mik's story was so good. Freakin hilarious and cute but also involved sentimental themes and emphasized on not giving up your dreams and aspirations. And how much it's comforting to work on your goals together with your partner/friends.

I love this title. It looks very promising so far. After reading Mikoto, I'd recommend it and the guy to everyone who has a similar taste. I'll list some of my forever favs (from Love 365) below so you'll know what I'm into.

MPD CTY, ASA, FILA, RMD, TLH... and PLUST (safe to add now. I think) So you can predict the themes I like now ;)

It took me 3hrs 47 min to binge Mikoto's story which I managed to do during different hours of the day. Spent about 240 hearts to unlock every heart choice and the SHE plus bonus track.

The art and the OST are gorgeous. I wish there's a steam release where I can buy the whole thing in one package with the OST. The OST is that good. It's so worth the effort (in reading a long story with a slow burn plot.)

(Oh this is a slow burn plot, mind you. And I love the stuff lol) The MC is fair enough. At times I cringed a bit, wondered why she wosn't protest when the guys casually get touchy with her. (Oh she does at times but she could grow more strong).

The fan service thing sounded unrealistic but it was still hilarious and cute. I was laughing falling in love not just with Mikoto but all the guys as a whole. They are all amazing. I think I'm gonna read every route. tho at present I have my eyes set on Mik, Wataru alone.

Guys like Claude aren't my type but I'm curious about him. I think Kotoha is a sweet guy, a tsundere. And Ryogo. Well I love childhood friend trouples so I'm gonna read his MS. He was super sweet in Mik story but the guy who stole the show (when it comes to side characters) was: Zeus.

The ThrOne guys. At first I didn't understand MC's obsession, specifically as they described the group is cold to its fans, but then I understood. That's not the scenario. Zeus has me very fascinated. I'll say I like him already. And his attachment to MC means we MAY get to see sparks flying between him and Mik. (I'd love to see Mik getting jealous haha)

Now I ramble about Mik here: Mikoto is a charmer but he's not overbearing or commanding. I only saw a trace of the pushy guys I played and liked in him. Just a trace. He apologizes when he's wrong. He thanks the MC. He encourages her!?

I expected Mikoto to be like Guy or more like Ikesen Nobunaga (both my faves) but he isn't.

Mik is so refreshing, so chill. Just like TLH Suzu was, captivating, with just one main story! He's blunt but not condescending. He's cheeky but with a sweet awkward side to him. He tries to shoulder his burden alone. The slow reveal of his true personality was a treat. I was rooting for him and MC! There were so many moments: them walking the ramp, rehearsing lines... Watching the show a pop star acted in, with the guy, and sharing a highfive? Haha. That's freakin cute. I love Mik and his Ducky.

So by the End of the SHE I'm super content and looking forward to MC and Mik's budding romance to blossom more. Which I expect to happen in MS 2. And anticipating more of the guys while hoping this title wouldn't take forever to get updated. (Well I understand making games isnt easy. I'm willing to wait tbh. But I see some title updates getting rolled out quickly, so)

Ugh! I went into rant mode there. Will post more content tomorrow. (Not much tho and not many spoilers. Don't wanna hit the game's earnings coz... well that's what I do. Be moderate. I think nicely done posts/shared stuff actually boost sales and earn more fans. THAT is what I try to do on my blog. Share. Share. But be nice.)

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

your answer made me tear up too, i don't think anyone has cared enough to ask how i've been in so long. i feel like the bad days are permanent, they seem to appear so often i just can't bear it anymore. i try to hold out hope but maybe i'm just kidding myself. i've been so sad for so long, i don't even remember how to be happy. and that makes me so sad. that the thought of passing away seems so much more of a relief than to continue living. i know for a fact i failed my exams which means i'll either have to drop out or redo my exams. which also means i won't get to do placement. and if my family knows of this, i don't think i can go through that again. i can't. the pain was way too much last time, i suppressed those memories. i'm not stong enough to go through that again. i know death is the easy way out. and i'm a coward for wanting to take it but i'm so desperate. i don't want to feel the pain anymore. the numbness, the anger, the guilt, the sadness, i can't.

i'm sorry, you feel so much more comforting than my own big sisters. i don't think they even deserve that title truthfully. but thank you for letting me rant, you don't even have to post this. i don't mind. i truly hope your day today was much lighter than mine. i hope you experienced some form of happiness today. i hope you're well. love you more than words could ever say, thank you for letting me spill my words on here. please don't feel pressured to post this. i'm sorry for how weird this ask is. i'm sorry for unloading it all on to you 💕

Don't worry, you can always rant to me. Sometimes we just need to let it out, to get it off our chests because too often we don't have anyone trustworthy to talk to openly and many wouldn't understand it either. I wish I could help you through this, I'm having similar struggles too. I actually blew up my professional life a week ago because I panicked. They wanted to give me the residency I asked for after fighting with them for months and when they gave it to me I ended up not accepting (for reasons listed bellow but also because they bind you contractually for life). I just spent the last year not even living but surviving, working nights so often I didn't feel human at all and I barely saw my family (my younger niece barely knows who i am), I don't even have friends anymore because everyone kind of just gave up on me. They didn't understand how tired I was from work, I just didn't want to do anything after work. I went from a packed covid unit to urgent care back to infectious diseases and it's been so exhausting both mentally and physically and my chronic illnesses have all gone havoc in this time and I've come to realize that even though the pay is better when you work nights and on calls, my health and general well being have no price. So when my contract is up this March I'm going to be unemployed for a bit until I find a job as a GP and that's scary as hell and no one quite understands why I left a higher paying job in a hospital 20 mins away from me by foot that I lowkey dreamed about and wished for my entire life. Guess they were right when they said be careful what you wish for...I got my wish and it cost me everything else and I was miserable. If I had the option I'd leave healthcare altogether, but my background is basically a nursing degree and then a doctor's degree so I'm stuck with it...unless I marry a richy rich dude 🤣 (can I get Charles Leclerc pls) but yeah, I understand what you're going through. Life is so fucking hard all the time and most people just have to stay up float and that's it, but people like you and me are constantly swimming against the current with chains pulling us under. (There's a song by The Pretty reckless called Under the water, I recommend you listen to it, kind of like a soundtrack to this whole thing). I refuse to believe it won't get easier one day (despite my year starting with a firework going off in my face followed by a terrible case of chicken pox that made me miss a weekend trip to Austria, making my skin awful, and now a flare up in my condition), IT HAS TO GET EASIER. Until then, please reach out to me whenever you need it. It's not a burden. Hell it's like group therapy, we can commiserate together over shitshows of the day. Can even be fun? Either way, I'm here and I'm not going anywhere yet. I'll keep fighting and I really hope you will too so that one of these days we can talk about the good things we get to see and live. I'm hoping everything happens for a reason and one day that reason will be clear. 💕

[sstormyskyess]

about your vent -- i started uploading fics in 2021. it took over a year for me to get any kind of traction whatsoever, and that was back when i was only on wattpad. i was so close to giving up, but then decided to persevere. i've never regretted pushing through it, and now i'm so extremely happy with my community and ''''popularity'''''.

it's so exhausting and, at the start, unrewarding to produce content online without much feedback or reward. i get it because i'm the exact same lmaoo. if it's not getting a fanbase or popular i'll likely drop it. kinda like network tv

i know i'm hardly active and barely post anymore, but jsut know, i get it. the whole thing. when you need a break, have a break. i disappeared for nearly 6 months without a warning, and yet i'm here still, typing out this ramble.

i believe in you !! as long as you're doing what feels right, and it's not driving you completely mad, you got this. even when the times get tough.

sorry for this min-rant, and i do hope you feel better soon. <3

i appreciate the kind words, thank you so so much

i might just log off this account for a little while and take some time to myself over this summer because i am in this hopeless mindset about this blog. like i really want to keep writing and posting because i have a lot of fun making all these stories that i'm passionate about but it's gotten really hard to convince myself it's even worth it

i guess we'll just have to see, but thank you again for your support 💜 i'm glad to have mutuals like you