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dr-trafalgar-law · 4 months ago

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Trafalgar Law X CisFem Reader

Loud thunder rattled the windows. You grumbled and rolled onto your side trying to go back to sleep. It had only been a few hours since you passed out after drinking all evening with Roci. The room was still dark and quiet save for the weather outside. Law shifted in front of you but remained facing the wall.

"You ok?” He asked quietly.

Normally you enjoyed storms, but right now it was so incredibly loud. Your head was pounding and full of static. Even with your eyes closed you could feel the room spinning. The churning in your stomach made you think twice about speaking.

"F/N?" Your fiance rolled over carefully to look at you.

"-I-I'm.." You flinched at the volume of your own voice.

"Hungover." He stated, a small understanding smile bending his lips.

You didn't need to say anything to confirm. Even in the dark he could see you'd gone clammy. His hand tenderly brushed over your forehead to check your temperature. You closed your eyes to try and regain your bearings.

"Breathe, please.” Law gently commanded, “In through your nose and out through your mouth.”

"Too nauseous." You muttered.

"I know,” he replied,"it'll help I promise."

You did as instructed, but it only took a few seconds to confirm it was too late for breathing exercises. The way you jolted up and frantically tossed the blankets aside had Law moving just as quickly.

"No!” You called sprinting for the bathroom and slamming the door before Law could follow.

"F/N-ya, I've seen people vomit." He began to knock as you lost your dinner.

"I-I'm fine!" You coughed and gagged.

When you were sure your stomach was empty you brushed your teeth and washed your face before stepping back into the bedroom.

Law was sitting cross-legged in the center of your bed. He'd had a harder time respecting your wishes than he thought he would. For a few minutes he stood at the bathroom door anticipating a change of mind. But you didn't.

You didn't need him.

There was a dull sting of rejection. Of course rationally he knew you weren't actually rejecting him. You didn't want him to see you retching and crying. He was a doctor, arguably used to this, but at home he was your fiance. It was a much longer time before Marco was allowed to see you this messy.

He shifted on the mattress and moved the blankets back, “Feel a little better?”

“Sober-” You winced at your own raspy response.

Bile had done a number on your throat.

“I'll get you some water.” Your fiance stood as you crawled back into the comfort of your bed.

He was gone less than a minute, shutting the door softly behind him before placing the glass of room temperature water on your nightstand.

“I don't feel like it has been long enough for you to take pain meds, but if you're still uncomfortable in an hour it should be ok.” He slipped into his side of the bed and laid facing you.

“I don't even know what time it is.” You sipped the water and inched down to get comfortable in your pillows as thunder rumbled outside.

“Close to four, there's still plenty of time for rest.” He watched you sigh and stare at the ceiling, “Is there anything else I can do?”

“Just let me rot.”

“I'm sorry to tell you, the prognosis is good.” He chuckled, “Just some temporary suffering.”

“Ugh.” You groaned, “Never drinking again.”

“Let's just practice moderation next time.” Law suggested sliding his arm under his pillows so he could be more comfortable.

“Mhm.” You hummed, closing your eyes as a new wave of nausea washed over you.

Recognizing your discomfort, Law moved a little closer and shifted onto his back, “Here,”

You glanced over at him confused and squeaked when he slipped his arm under you to pull you close. Finally catching on, you moved on your own to rest your head against his shoulder. Once settled he began rubbing soothing circles over your back while humming softly. His voice was pleasantly deep, even and in key. For a moment you were distracted enough to not realize you'd been clinging to Law’s bare torso.

“My mother used to do this when we were sick,” He explained, “to help us sleep.”

“I don't hate it.” You murmured cheekily through a yawn.

“I know.” There was a smile in his voice before he started humming again.

Soon your nausea subsided enough for you to drift back off to sleep.

Law laid awake a bit longer. Having you nestled against him snoozing comfortably made his chest tight. Not the usual anxiety that seemed to reside there.

This was a flutter of excitement.

A small taste of happiness that had felt so far away months ago.

Daylight poured through the small part in the curtains across the room casting a thin golden line down your face. Scrunching your nose you attempted to move out of the sun spot. As your brain began to reboot you quickly realized you'd been snuggled into your fiance’s chest. His arms still loosely wrapped around you, your legs tangled under the blankets.

In the last few weeks you'd shared each other's beds but cuddling had never really come into play, you were still very conscious of personal space.

He was so unexpectedly warm and soft and comfortable.

“Go back to sleep.” Law murmured, not bothering to open his eyes.

“The sun.” You whispered back.

His left eye slowly opened to confirm your soft complaint. Wordlessly he shifted away to allow you to move facing away from him while he slipped his arm around you and nuzzled into your nape. Goosebumps flashed over your skin. There was no way you were going back to sleep now, it didn't matter how exhausted you were.

Law drifted off again while you took the opportunity to inspect his hand. You wondered what made him get such a macabre tattoo, especially considering his profession. Gently you ran your fingers over the clean black lines. This was the first time you'd purposely touched his hand. His skin was soft and well taken care of. You'd almost expected them to be dry and chapped from scrubbing multiple times a day.

Suddenly he flexed, halting your motions, “That tickles.”

“Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.”

“I don't mind.” His voice was still low and tired, “How do you feel?”

You scoffed, “Like I've been hit by a bus.”

He slid his hand over yours gliding over your fingertips, “You're probably a little dehydrated.”

“I'll get some more water when I make breakfast.”

Law sat up and leaned over taking in your dark circles and puffy eyes, “You'll be resting today.”

“But I promised Roci-”

“And he'll survive his road trip on the snacks you packed him yesterday. Today you rest.” His expression was stern but there was a soft edge in his voice.

You'd denied him the opportunity to take care of you overnight, but this morning he wouldn't allow that. Your stubbornness was going to have to get used to allowing him to help you.

And so the morning began. You were too awake and queasy to go back to sleep anyway. While you showered Law and Roci made breakfast and coffee. After everyone had eaten it was time for your soon-to-be father-in-law to make the trip back to Olympia. He squeezed you and made plans to come back soon before instructing his adopted son to be sure you would be feeling better at the end of the day. Your doctor rolled his eyes like an annoyed teenager but agreed that he'd do everything he was told.

#lyndsyh24 #one piece #slow burn #trafalgar d law x reader #trafalgar law #x reader #18+ mdni #marco the phoenix #fem reader #closure #donquixote rocinante

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ghostofasecretary · 2 months ago

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okay okay okay FINE

it would be great to continue burying my feelings in busywork but we *are on a time limit*

i don't. want to do this.

i don't want to apply again! i don't want to deal with rejection or bad offers again! and it'll be so exhausting!!

and. i mean. i'm so scared of things going well also. because then i have to--to take my newfound not-resilience, my lowered tolerance for personal suffering, and my desire to enjoy my life, and marry that into schoolwork. i feel like i am less curious and more content these days and i don't *like* it and most of it is due to pain making me smaller, not an ambition or desire to have day after day fade into monotony punctuated by my three hobbies and, sometimes, my friends. ...that's a little ungenerous to me, i have maybe five hobbies. and also lots of chores.

but i'm.

i'm *doing bad.*

okay, that horrible annoying prompt, you know the one. imagine a future where you are happy.

i'm married to someone i really like and i come home to them and we're easy with each other and they like my food and do the dishes for me and we have nice sex. i read a lot. i translate poetry. i have enough nice walks and museum time and music and interesting conversations that turning my stress into poetry is easy and i also figure out how to write poems when i'm happy. my friends are close by. i have delicious meals and a moderate amount of luxurious foods, things that are a Line Item on the budget and not just, y'know, beans and tomatoes and onions and [any leafy green]. i like getting dressed and i thrift/change out clothes more often than i do now. i do my [side gig] once or twice a month and the marketing is low effort and the work is fulfilling. i teach. i read. i write. i figure out what help other people can give me and i ask for it and i keep in practice so i don't pause when it's crunch time. i have enough money that i don't worry about being unemployed for two or three months and i have enough income not to worry about rent and i save for retirement. i travel to see friends an extravagant two or three times a year (but just once or twice would be okay, too). i go a few years without something deeply wounding me so i have more of a cushion when the next crisis hits. i'm not afraid of being happy or of wanting things. i present information to people semi-regularly and practice and learn to work different kinds of crowds. maybe i try music, or comedy, or gardening, or rowing. i dunno. i'm practiced at practicing my languages and i have fun with it and i *let* myself have fun with it. i don't flinch from texts and emails. i go to bed and i wake up early feeling rested and i have really satisfying breakfasts, preferably with company.

it's embarassing to want to be married. like i know it's normal, actually, but--ugh. really? me? unfortunately: yes, really me.

the thing is, if i were married and had more money and did more [side gig] and didn't flinch from emails and had fun with *the thing i deeply love actually when i'm not running from it, why do i DO THAT* this would be pretty close to my current life.

so. like. if i were happier and more stable i would be happier and more stable. cool. what was i wanting to get from this, again?

reasons to apply to grad school.

1. you'd be good at it. it's really fun and satisfying to do things you're good at.

2. there are worse ways to start a career where you write and teach and translate poetry than getting a PhD.

3. dating feels completely unmanageable right now because where is my life even GOING, where might i even LIVE, it's unbearably hard to imagine looking for someone to build a life with when i have, like, [actual career path that takes years to build and a lot of grit and LUCK] hovering over me on one end and [idk being a human somehow?????] on the other and i don't know which one i'll pick. or have put in front of me to walk down. or whatever. i'd like to be committed to trying to be an academic or committed to simply Not doing that, before...before.

4. [sunk cost factory so many hours can't stop now]

okay. and reasons not to apply?

1. it's expensive and i don't qualify for any fee waivers and i REALLY TRULY do not have money to burn right now. it's not *dire* but i am, like, next month heading towards a worse financial state than i've been in since i was 15. 18 at latest. and that's *scary.*

2. grief! fuck it! sorry i have emotions but it was kind of crushing in 21-22 to have everyone be like "oh yeah you'd be great at this you'll have your pick you have a very bright future" and then not get in, and last year to have "wow yes we love you please come to our schools" and not get enough funding to *go,* and so much of 2023 was just. waiting. screw that, so much of THIS YEAR was waiting. my whole summer job i told people i was going off to do my MA because at the time of my interview i really really really thought i would still get funding and, hahahaha, nope. and i didn't want to tell people because they'd be weird about it. so instead i was weird about it and felt bad and feel bad. someone smarter than me can probably tell me how i could've sliced that one better but i'm just crying on my housemate's downstairs couch because it feels pretty bad to have hope crushed like that.

also typing this out i DO feel like an entitled prick. sorry. i'm just privileged and lucky and beautiful and smart and ~special~ and a depressed little guy who's had PTSD on two separate occasions, minimum, and is more functional but still pretty fucked up. like all the time.

3. i burnt myself on purpose for spite and justice and no real gain whatsoever, at my first job out of college, and it was an experience and i learned things and one of the things i learned is that it SUCKS and i DON'T WANT TO DO IT AGAIN. and doing a PhD is, like. notoriously "this is a bad experience that makes you crazy." documentably a bad experience that makes people crazy. actually.

and what if i drop out?

then you drop out and find a way to move forward. both your parents did. your uncle did. plenty of people you know dropped out of college or MAs or PhDs. life doesn't end. maybe some people's hopes are disappointed but that's a them problem. your own hopes are disappointed but not trying at all because you're scared you'll fail is. Not a great look?? not something i want to do, particularly.

what if i have a psychotic break (again)?

then you drop out. or take a leave of absence. and either it'll go away or it won't and you'll deal.

yeah but i really don't want to be more disabled.

then drop out before your mental health gets that far down the drain. you were suicidally depressed and mega traumatized for *years* before those two scary weeks in high school, and after the first few hours you basically knew what was happening even if you didn't believe it, and regular degular antidepressants fixed it. you haven't *been* regularly suicidally depressed in years. a bit during The Dog Incident and a bit when you raised your med dosage too high in 2023 and a bit this summer and a bit lately, but not very much. there's a difference between "panic what feels like every day and wanting to die, like, once an hour" and "eating three meals a day, procrastinating, and going 'ugh i wish i were dead' when something especially stressful comes up." not saying it's not on the same spectrum but it is a light to dark scale and you know where the divisions are. and neither of those are "having Stress Pain and chanting "kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me i want to die i want to die i want to die" constantly and especially loudly when you have to walk up the stairs or eat food." which, again: has not really happened ever since you got on antidepressants.

4. ...it feels really bad and embarassing right now because i'm *behind* and i don't have a lot of academic curiosity right now and i haven't written in forever and i don't like putting words on a page and i have to look these people in the FACE and tell them i'm qualified when i Cold Lasagna Hate Myself 1989! i'm not! up for this! i'm gonna have to drag myself over hot coals and stay up late! and how do i expect to do grad school if this one little thing is making me throw such a giant fit!!!!

hi. oh my god.

babe.

give yourself a hug. literally visit a friend and get a hug if you must. rudely invite yourself to someone's house for emotional support. whatever. i don't care. holy shit.

it is, according to the calculus by which i have always made decisions, okay to feel like HOT GARBAGE while you do things as long as you get them done. you can yell! you can say you're awful, just the worst piece of shit, how dare you exist all you want! "feeling bad in the short term is okay if you feel good in the long term" is not a great life philosophy when applied over *months and months and years and years,* i grant you. but i do not think "twelve hours, tomorrow" is the same thing.

and you can have your friends take you out for ice cream once you get it done.

and this week you'll go teach first and second graders for the first time ever, and prepare some poetry and translations, and fuck up your homework, and probably fail to feel good about your life, but it will be YOUR LIFE. WHICH YOU'VE DECIDED TO LIVE. EVEN IN YOUR DREADFUL BACHELOR STATE OH MY GOD WHAT IS W I T H MY DREAMS

so. go text your IRL friends.

done.

congrats. you have Asked For Help. if your IRL friends cannot provide ask T and then D and then C and then G/E. or a group chat. you never know.

maybe also. call your mom and make a plan. she's probably free.

okay. cool. have Had Some Feelings. seems better. than what i have been doing. go me

go take outfit photos and make apple cider and go to bed

#ghost speaks #bad brains blogging #why do i have mush instead of a brain and fear instead of. idk. not fear

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moonswolfie · 1 year ago

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Capricious feelings

Atsumu x gn!reader

(this could be read as pre or post timeskip tsumu so have fun with it 💙)

I am back on my "haikyuu fics based off vocaloid songs" grind after the first one was moderately successful, so I bring you:

Kimagure Mercy and Atsumu except the ending is good because i am smitten for atsumu and cannot write him as an asshole even though he absolutely would be one😭

Warnings: a few swear words, sort of angst to sort of fluff

He's calling you again. You only roll your eyes, waiting for your phone to stop ringing and turning away to focus on whatever else you're doing.

You know why he's calling, anyways. It's cuz he wants your help, or wants to borrow some money, or has some other favour that he wants from you.

You see, Atsumu's your boyfriend on paper, but in practice, things couldn't be more different. The "relationship", if you can even still call it that, is on the verge of collapsing. He only ever calls you when he needs favours, constantly making excuses for his distant behaviour.

The phone stops ringing, and you take a breath of relief, only for it to start ringing again a few seconds. God, he must really want a favour if he bothered calling twice in a row. You sigh, picking up the phone.

"Hi, how are ya?" He's using a sweet, gentle tone to butter you up as always. You regretfully know all of his little tricks by now.

"I'm fine. Why are you calling?" You're aware that you sound a little cold and harsh, but what's the point in useless small talk when you already know that isn't why he's calling?

"Come over, will ya?"

Those words froze you for a second. Whenever he asked you to come over, it would always end with him sucking your face off and then ignoring you until you leave. It always leaves you feeling sick and empty, knowing those kisses mean nothing to him.

Yet someway, somehow, you find yourself feeling giddy whenever he takes your hand or wraps his arms around your waist. And you hate that you do.

You absolutely hate the thought of falling in love with him. Not with that selfish, self-obsessed asshole who only uses you for favours and doesn't give a damn about you. But your heart insists on betraying your mind, your reason.

"Are ya there? You've been real quiet..." his voice snaps you out of your train of thought. "Yeah, I'm coming."

You don't know why you still bend to his will every time, you could easily say no, break up with him and never talk to him again. Maybe you actually do know why... and you don't like the reason.

"Lovely, I'll be waitin'. Bye now." he hung up the phone. As always, he has you wrapped around his finger, otherwise you wouldn't be making your way to his house right now. You live relatively close to him, so the walk isn't long. You briefly think about turning around and going back home. But once again, your stupid heart wins.

You ring the doorbell, and a sudden wave of regret flushes over you. Should you really be falling into his arms again? Should you have ignored your mind, telling you to turn back?

Before you even have a chance to run away, the door opens. "Heya, sweets. Come on in." That smile is a deceptive mask, and you know it. You silently walk in, sitting down on the couch, your usual make-out spot. You just have to get it over with and hope your stomach doesn't churn from guilt later.

He sits down beside you, and you close your eyes in anticipation to be roughly grabbed by him. But it doesn't come.

"Are you good? Ya look a lil' pale." the concern in his voice was completely unexpected.

"Since when do you care how I'm doing?" You have no idea what came over you in that moment. Normally you would brush it off, lie to him, or assure him you're fine. But he'd never asked you that with such concern before, and you don't know what to do with yourself anymore.

"I'm yer boyfriend, of course I-"

"Oh, shut up! You only care when you want a favour from me!" You stood up, clenching your hands into fists. "You don't actually give a damn about me, do you?! You don't love me, you only love yourself!!" All your repressed feelings suddenly came spilling out.

He looked awfully surprised by your behaviour, probably because you finally didn't bend to his will once. Because you finally said what's on your mind. It felt good, but at the same time, your heart felt a pang of pain once the words you said finally registered in your brain.

"I... this is what I called ya over for, actually...." he looked to the ground, wearing a solemn expression. His mask of confidence was breaking.

"...What?"

"I know that I'm a horrible boyfriend, but I'm goin' ta fix that." He looked back up at you, determination shining in his eyes.

This was a conversation you never ever expected to have. Is this a cruel prank? Would Atsumu do that to you?

"I don't... understand. Why now?" You weren't sure what to think right now. You're honestly thinking too many things, feeling too many emotions at once right now.

"Because, I ended up realisin' that ya deserve better than this. Honestly, yer too good fer me." Knowing Atsumu, it must've taken a lot for him to throw away his pride and ego just to admit this.

At your silence, he continued. "My point is, I wanna be better for ya, give this whole love thing a shot, ya know? But if ya really feel that way, you can break up with me, I won't mind..."

"Atsumu, you ass." He flinched slightly at your response, searching your face for your emotions. "You can't do this to me." Right when you finally felt strong enough to call him out, he decides to pull you right back in and make you feel all horrible.

You sigh. "You're a lucky man, Atsumu. But these better not be empty promises." Your hopeless heart wins you over once again. Yet this time, you feel assured. Assured that Atsumu will do the right thing.

Atsumu finally felt like he could breathe again, placing a hand on his chest. "Would I ever break a promise I made?" He asked with a relieved smile.

"Honestly.... you seem like you would." You rolled your eyes playfully.

"Hey, I didn't promise to better myself just so you can insult me!"

#˗ˏˋ ★ ☁︎ 「Wolfie’s works」 ☾ ★ ˎˊ˗#haikyuu!!#haikyuu #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x reader #haikyu x reader #atsumu miya #atsumu x reader #miya atsumu x reader #miya atsumu #hq atsumu #msby atsumu #x gender neutral reader #gn reader

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jaylienpotter · 1 year ago

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Jegulus prompt unexpected by @jegulus-microfic | 679 words

Mocktail

It was the Yule Ball. For the first time, Potter didn't ask Lily Evans to be his date. He went with his friends, instead, claiming to be over the redhead. Only Moony really knew why.

It was crowded, as usual. The Marauders were chatting and drinking the available mocktail that lacked sugar. Peter scrunched his nose at his first sip and looked at the crystal cup.

"Did one of you put alcohol in this?"

"No, but that is an excellent idea, Wormtail!"

"Pads, no." His boyfriend's stern voice calmed the Black enthusiasm right away. "Some people don't drink alcohol. Like Mary."

"Fine…" Remus rolled his eyes and kissed the puppy on the cheek, the pout replaced by a smile. Sirius really was like a dog.

"No but I really think this might have alcohol in it." Remus tasted the mocktail and shrugged.

"Tastes normal to me."

"But that's because you're an alcoholic."

"I'm not an alcoholic!" James chuckled, Wormy wasn't completely wrong.

"You could drink a tad less, mate. Let me try." Prongs drank from his own cup and pondered. "Yeah, you're right Pete. This has booze. I'll warn MacDonald."

Mary was dancing with Lily and giggling, both of them looked beautiful. As usual.

"Sorry to bother, ladies. Mary, someone-" He looked at Evans "not us -put booze in the mocktail. Just letting you know."

"Oh thanks! I'll spread the word."

"Doesn't have to reach the teachers' ears though. Again, it wasn't us!" Lily still raised an eyebrow. "But it certainly adds to the fun. Just make sure those who don't drink know."

"Will do. Thanks Potter." With a nod, he left them, catching a glimpse of Barty Crouch Jr and Evan Rosier giggling suspiciously.

Upon closer inspection, it seemed like those two were responsible for the alteration of the beverage. Regulus probably wasn't aware of it, as he was drinking it moderately fast. Great friends he had.

"Hey, Regulus, maybe you shouldn't-"

"James, hi!" The Gryffindor was set back. This was the first time he wasn't called by his last name. "You're really cute, did I ever tell you that?" Oh no. He was extremely drunk. His so called friends were losing it, doubled over with laughter.

"Uh… I-" Fuck. He needed to take care of the situation but how could he if his mind blocked on those words and his cheeks burned?

"I really fancy you. But don't tell Barty an' Evan, they'll never stop annoyin' me." He tried keeping in the grin, he did. But Regulus Fucking Black just confessed having feelings. Potter fell for Sirius's little brother many months ago, not expecting to be liked back. "I like your smile. You have dimples. You're very pretty."

It took everything in Prongs's strength not to kiss the boy. Instead, he took the crystal cup from thin pale hands and put it to the side, the Slytherin laughter still in the background.

"Let's uh… Let's go somewhere else, yeah?" He wrapped his hands around the thin shoulders and started guiding the drunk boy away.

"Don't forget to use protection!"

"Fuck off Evan!" Well, even when nearly falling to the side, Regulus didn't lose his charm.

"Oi, Prongs! Thank Merlin you're here, I'm tired of being a third wheel."

"Found out it was Crouch and Rosier who put the booze in the drinks." Regulus leaned against him, eyebrows furrowed.

"What're you talkin' about?" The other three Gryffindors glanced at baby Black quizzically. Sirius especially.

"They uh… They didn't tell Regulus so… he's very drunk. I'm taking him to his dorm."

"You don't want me to do it?" Before he could even deny Sirius, he was beaten to it.

"No! I want James to take me." Moony suppressed a laugh, Wormtail looked very confused and Padfoot was shook. Prongs would deal with him later, he needed to get to the dungeons before matters got worse.

"I'll see you lot later!" He practically ran out of the Hall, dragging his crush with him, unsure of what to do with the situation. The ball had been an unexpected turn of events.

#marauders #marauders era #the marauders #marauders fandom #harry potter marauders #marauders fanfiction #dead gay wizards #james potter #regulus black #jegulus #starchaser #sunseeker #james x regulus #regulus x james

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gayuu-the-necromancer · 1 year ago

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William Rex Madness Route - Chapter 21

｡⋆｡˚🦋˚｡⋆｡

Victor: "---And so."

Victor: "Her Majesty the Queen's royal mission will be starting from tomorrow."

Victor: "Right now, let's open the second part of the party!"

The air instantly becomes light again when Victor claps his hands together.

William began to play another piece while talking to Victor about something.

(....The mission starts tomorrow, huh?)

(I have to be prepared for any kind of operation)

Alphonse: "Sometimes I wonder if we have any info on what happened to that disgraced Grimsley."

I suddenly I hear Mr. Alphonse's voice.

Liam: "Harry said he had info, right?"

Harrison: "Do you love your job that much, that you wanna talk about it at parties?"

Alphonse: "Why not? A chat to satisfy your curiosity is a friend to a good drink."

Kate: "I'm curious too. There may be preparations we could make if we had some advance info."

Liam: "Oh Katie is interested too? This has to live up to your expectations then. Right? Harry?"

Harrison: "Yes yes....Kate's serious in a weird way."

Harrison: "All I've got is that Grimsley's not going to run away and hide."

Alphonse: "....What do you mean?"

Harrison: "Within the Privy Council, there are extremists and moderates against the Crown....and, of course, Grimsley is an extremist."

Harrison: "Now that he's been ousted from the Privy Council, the moderates are probably losing control over him."

Harrison: "He is going to hire an assassin to kill William in person."

(Assassin...)

Alphonse: "It would be a shame to try to kill the Crown with the assassins lying around."

(Alphonse is right, when I think back to all the crises we have been through....)

(William is relentless in his fight back against 'evil')

(I don't think everyone in the Crown would be so easily killed)

I felt numb to normality but that was my honest impression.

(More importantly....)

Kate: "Where is Harrison getting all this info from?"

Harrison: "......"

I had previously felt uncomfortable with the source of Harrison's info.

----FLASHBACK----

Kate: "How did you get this list?"

Harrison: "....Is that important? Look here. Do any of these names look familiar?"

----FLASHBACK ENDS----

(Harrison had the list of prisoners that was supposed to be confidential even for the police)

(Mr. Brian knew a lot about the backroom politics, no doubt because of his connection to the Grimsley)

(Harrison, too, may have been...)

Harrison: "Will you be satisfied if I say.....'it's a secret'?"

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Harrison: "Will you be satisfied if I say.....'it's a secret'?"

Harrison simply chuckled.

Kate: "I am not convinced by that....I still don't know why you keep it a secret."

Kate: "But...I believe you and I'll try to understand you."

Harrison: "Understand?"

Kate: "There must be a reason why you dare to keep a secret without clearing your suspicions to your detriment."

Kate: "And the reason for that is...because I'm sure its not to hurt anyone, but to protect something."

Harrison: "........"

Harrison: "....How can you be so sure?"

Kate: "From what I've seen as a fairy tale master, I think that's the kind of person you are."

Kate: "I believe, what I see with my eyes and feel with my heart."

Kate: "But if you harm William....I might have second thoughts."

Kate: "....But I don't think I need to worry about that either."

Harrison: "....Haha."

Harrison: "I'll remember that. You seem like trouble when you're angry."

Harrison was still smiling though.

That day at the Tower of London, his smile looked a little worried.

But now he looks happier.

Kate: "....So according to Harrison's info."

Kate: "The assassins hired by Grimsley are now plotting to assassinate William."

William: "You're turn, Kate."

Kate: "William....!"

A whisper in my ear from behind makes my spine stiffen in surprise.

William looked at my reaction and laughed.

Alphonse: "What are you going to do? I'm sure you've already thought of something, haven't you?"

William: "Yeah. Grimsley has caught me twice with blatant bait."

William: "It's only polite that we catch the fish this time."

Alphonse: "Ah...Fishing, huh? I see I see."

(Fishing....)

Kate: ".....Could William be the bait for this fishing?"

William: "Well, both you and I, to be precise."

(Me....?)

Kate: "Can you be more specific....?"

William: "We're invited to a ball."

William puts his arm around my waist and took my hand, as if inviting me to dance.

William: "Starting tomorrow, we're going to start practicing dance."

｡⋆｡˚🦋˚｡⋆｡

----On sunny mornings, the great hall is as warm as spring.

I am facing William in the Great Hall, which has a completely different atmosphere to last night.

Kate: "Thank you for asking me."

Just like the guide says, I fold my knees lightly and curtly in a well-groomed manner.

William: "Well well, who is this young noble lady?"

William: "From the looks of it, I'd say you've already practiced your steps."

Kate: "I only had time to learn the three basic steps of the Waltz."

William: "Hahaha, you're a studious woman."

Kate: "I'm going to my first ball and I'm going to dance while being targeted by assassins."

William: "A thrilling social debut, if you ask me."

---Attend the ball with dignity, provoke and lure the enemy.

William's proposal was such a risky....and fascinating plan.

William: "I'm afraid, I've forced you to stay up late after you've just recovered."

Kate: "I stayed up late because I wanted to. Because if I'm going to protect you, I have to be able to dance so naturally that I can breathe."

Kate: "Also...."

(....I don't have to tell you this, but I think you can probably see this coming)

-----Options-----

I'm looking forward to dancing with you.

I was so anxious I couldn't sleep.

I wanted to be praised by you.

--------

Kate: "....I wanted to be praised by you."

William: "Fufu, you're such an honest student."

When I honestly puts my feelings into words, William smiles happily.

(....I like seeing this smile)

William: "Well, then, let's give it a try."

I placed my hand in his palm, as if I was being sucked into his hand.

Kate: "Yes...Ah."

He pulled my waist quickly and our lower bodies were tight close.

Kate: "....Um..Do people really stand this close when dancing....?"

William: "Wasn't it mentioned in the guide?"

(....Mm)

The teasing smile on his lips is much closer than I'd expected.

('When my wounds were healed---)

The day I woke up, I remember begging in bed and my body heat slowly rising.

William: "Lean forward a little more."

Kate: ".....M-More....?"

William: "Keep your upper body relaxed...and your line of sight upward."

Kate: "Like...this?"

(Is this really how we should do it?)

William: "............."

William and I are so close that our breath touches each other and our gazes entwine.

(Nn......)

The body mistakenly thinks that a kiss is being withheld.

Kate: "....William....? Is this correct? ....Am I doing it correct.....?"

When asked for an answer, William smiled thinly and his breath tickled my lips.

William: "Not right."

Kate: "Eh....? Mm.."

The mere fraction of a second was filled in the blink of an eye.

｡⋆｡˚🦋˚｡⋆｡

Kate: "Mm...Mmm...."

When was still recovering, the kisses he gave me were comforting, as if kissing a child.

But right now, they much deeper and intense, that it kept melting me.

Kate: "Haa.....you liar....Mm.."

William's eyes twinkled with amusement when I accused him between kisses.

He bit my lip, sweetly.

William: "Sorry. ...I like seeing your troubled expression."

Kate: "....Mm."

The aftermath of a kiss, layered with sweet words, makes me dizzy, like when I've had too much sugar.

William: "Now let's start...."

I was in the middle of the steps I'd learnt on the guide and was about to lose my footing, but...

William hugged me around the waist and straightened me up quickly.

William: "Start with your right foot."

Kate: "Eh, wait....Ah!"

Without giving me time to process, William takes one step back on his left foot.

(Eh....)

My body which was snuggling to his warmth, followed William on its own, if it knew what to do.

As if a spell has been cast upon me.

William: "1 2 3....1 2-----"

In my ear, William gently sets the tempo.

The hall, where there should be nothing but the scuffling of clothes and the sound of shoes,

It was as if music was playing.

(....This feels nice)

----When I am next to him, the world looks very different.

This has not changed since we first met.

But now that I have made up my mind to live next to him until the end of my life.

The world in my eyes seemed even more dazzling than it was then.

(I want to carve everything in my heart....)

(Even if the end of this life comes tomorrow, I won't regret it)

The warm sun on the windowsill, the black shadows cast by the leaves and branches of the trees.

William's past, his warmth, his voice, his smell, his smiling lips, his kisses that annoy me.

(The world I see next to William)

(How fleeting)

(How beautiful)

William: "1 2 3....good job."

William stops and I suddenly come back to reality.

Kate: "Did I dance properly?"

William: "Mmhm, No one would believe you if you said it was your first time."

Kate: "That's good. ...Sorry, I wasn't paying attention mid-way through. ...I was just enjoying the moment."

William: ".....Kate, you don't have to apologize for having fun."

William: "You only live once. Enjoy everything as much as you like."

Kate: "....And 'be honest with your desires'?"

William: "....Yeah, that's right."

The reason William whispered to me from the moment we met, and to everyone else.

I felt like I understood a bit.

(The footsteps of the end, William always felt it too)

(Much stronger than I have been for a long time)

So I will cherish the things I love, the things I enjoy, the things that add colour to my life.

William: "Okay, one more time then."

Kate: ".....But before that."

William: "Mm?"

Kate: "......Can you kiss me?"

William: "....Of course. Anything for you."

.........

Word of a 'special royal ball' soon became the talk of London----

Alphonse: "And then there's Count Rex, who is in the middle of all this...well, you get the idea."

(A huge crowd....and they're all staring at us)

The dance halls were filled with aristocrats.

｡⋆｡˚🦋˚｡⋆｡

William: "The ball is hosted by her Majesty the Queen. We have to make sure there are no mischief."

Alphonse: "Ah! Leave it to me. I'm very good at covering up mischiefs."

Elbert: "............."

We chose the three noble-looking members to blend in with the atmosphere.

I also am acting as a noble woman.

Noble woman: "It's Lord William....!"

(.....!)

Noble woman: "....Who is that lady he's escorting? I envy her."

Noble man: "You envy her? What a stupid thing to say. Have you not read the papers?"

Noble old man: "You the one who's stupid. People say that article is false."

Noble woman: "But there are rumors that he can use strange magic to get people to follow his orders."

Noble man: "If that's true, then I'd like to talk to him."

Although they cover their mouths, gossip comes from everywhere, which they had no intention of hiding.

Kate: "....You're the center of attention."

William: "Unexpectedly."

The sarcastic smile on his lips makes me happy.

(The Crown members, other than these three are also scouting inside and outside the venue...except for Mr. Jude)

(Mr. Roger said that the enemy would be wary of William's abilities and would most likely snipe at him)

(All I can do now is stick by William's side and be his shield.....)

William: "You don't seem too nervous."

Kate: "Well....I'm a bit surprised myself."

Kate: "I've already had a near-death experience, so I'm probably okay, no matter what else happens."

Kate: "Rather, when I think that I am here in case something happens, I feel more fired up and than being nervous...."

William: "Pfft....fufu...."

Kate: "Why are you laughing....?"

William: "Ah.... sorry."

William: "Since you gave your life to me, I think you've become tainted."

William's giggling profile looks awfully happy.

William: "You're....really cute."

Kate: "......Hm?"

The sweet words whispered to me unexpectedly stole my heart.

(Ermm....?)

He has said 'I like you', and 'you're beautiful' to me before.

William's unexpected straight-forward words makes me excited.

(But now there is....something)

(More different.....more dangerous....the way it sounds)

William's tone of voice and the way he looked at me.

It's like a perverse kind of pleasure----

(More....)

(I want to please you more)

The desire overflowed from within the still beating heart.

William: "...It's about time."

(....Hm?)

William's voice brings me back to myself.

As we looked around, the conductor of the band lifted the baton and the stringed instruments began to play.

The nobles, who had been gossiping, now take each other's hands and proceeds to go in the center of the hall.

(Ah...the dance is about to begin)

Kate: "Dance halls have few obstacles. It's a perfect setting for targeting."

William: ".....that's a wild invitation asking for a dance, don't you think?"

Kate: "Eh? Ah....No no no! I just remembered what Mr. Roger told me.....!"

William: "Fufu. I know. I was just teasing you."

(......Come on....!)

When he squints lovingly, I can't hide the heat in my face.

(It seems that William's pleasure has become....all 'good' for me)

William: "Shall we dance?"

Kate: "....Yes----"

When I reached out to take William's hand-----

Elbert: "................wait."

Kate: "Eh....?"

A hand reached out from the side and caught my wrist.

Elbert: "I......want to talk to her."

Elbert: "......Can you give me time, until this song finishes?"

Madness Route - Chapter 22

#ikemen series #cybird ikemen #otome #cybird otome #ikemen villain #cybird #ikemen villains #ikemen mc #ikemen villains william

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fake-ascension · 6 months ago

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i guess i need some. advice? encouragement? about some stuff thats been happening recently so suicide/violence cw under the cut

i won't go into detail but i had. a very huge emotional/physical/mental breakdown today. where i was just. basically screaming and howling about how suicidal ive been lately. I haven't said anything out loud/via text on the internet abt it because i know saying i want to kms so often is bad for my own well being and ultimately makes other uncomfortable as well

so yeah i've just been. holding all that in. i knew the thoughts were coming in and out the past few months but was just shrugging it off as just being stressed abt the nightmare year i had. but i really was just. lying to myself and others because i didnt want to worry anyone/didn't want to admit how horrible i was doing after a couple years of good progress. but as it stands things are heading into a really bad direction for me rn. its not normal to go to sleep suicidal and immediately be suicidal upon waking up.

I don't really know what i can really do harm reduction wise. i'm unable to have regular visits with a psychiatrist/therapist bc of availability issues + i tend to just. lie. because its easier to say im fine than it is to advocate for myself and get actual help. and even then medication will not save me and coping skills can only go so far if im so deep in it im unable to take care of myself/feed myself/clean myself/eat/etc so none of it is effective enough in the moment. i know it CAN be effective and some of the skills ive learned can help during situational issues but this is really deep rooted improperly treated mental illness and i need a stronger foundation to be able to use any of the skills

i use a means of self isolation to punish myself, because i'm so upset with myself for not being able to pick myself up on my own. people can say im not a burden over and over but theres always gonna be a catch in the end. i freak out because what if this is one of my last meltdowns before they decide enoughs enough and i just get abandoned. again.

I feel like maybe being so Online is making things worse?? but i don't know??? my concentration is completely gone even when trying to use dnd/closing discord completely and im just constantly refreshing social media every 10 seconds and just stew in the bad feelings.

I don't know if just. leaving the internet cold turkey for a bit would do more harm than good.....i dont want to be alone and caught up in my thoughts. but i have a hard time doing things in 'moderation' and don't know how to even begin to roll back my internet/screen time usage

fandom is fun and great. but i dont think i should be using video games as pure escapism or playing them 24/7. im already getting bored and unenthusiastic about the things i like because its ALL i do.... I want to have at least SOME time away from screens. i hate having the impulse the check social media or refresh even 30 seconds (im even doing it NOW) but i just dont know where to begin in cultivating non-screentime hobbies and have the ability to focus on things more long term without having than doing 1000 things all at once to keep myself busy. i play video games muted most of the time, have a yt video playing, sometimes i'll stop mid video game and pull out my ipad while still having the games open, and im always on discord

there's books i still want to read, i eventually want to pick up sewing again. im considering getting a craft set for making those beaded bracelets (my brother gets them from concerts all the time and thinks it would be fun to make them too) but that all requires money

and i just. idk where im going with this rn but. any advice or suggestions or just. words of encouragement would be. really nice rn

#yappin

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lancedoncrimsonwings · 5 months ago

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First day at work I don't have a booking in two straight weeks, which means it may also be the first day at work I leave less than an hour late...

Of course I started the day with a 20 min nosebleed, and my heartrate is being fucky again.

And yesterday my doctors said my Ehlers Danlos referral was rejected by Rheumatology because "pain in joints with hypermobility is normal, affects 3.4% of the population, and we can just treat you for that". MY GUY. EDS IS NOT JUST HYPERMOBILITY. Ignoring that actually knowing what the fuck is wrong with me is sorta paramount to my mental health, you know who else needs a diagnosis or they don' believe anything is wrong? The government. Y'know, who give me the benefits that I live on so I don't starve to death (well, the latter is arguable given what I get but)

I *may* have gone on a rant about being passed from pillar to post and hopefully my doctor is gonna try and argue my case, especially given both my physio and the chronic fatigue clinic specifically requested this referral... I expect as per fucking always I'll slip through the cracks like everything else.

I'm so sick of this underfunded NHS I wish they'd stop cutting money to it, at its best this service is phenominal and on certain areas of my health I can't fault it, especially A&E when my heart has been shit.

I keep looking at private healthcare but on disability benefits with barely part time work as it is (and I'm only just about breaking even with work too, I don't make a profit but I do it to keep me sane more than anything) I have no money to go private- even if my health costs me my life, I have no choice but to waste my energy on gaslighting doctors and services that want nothing to do with complex comorbid physical illnesses and disability. My ME/CFS has gone from Mild to Moderate-to-Severe in large part entirely down to this bullshit.

Gods I hope something changes before this fucking kills me. I'm just so fucking tired...

Rant over

#probably delete later #but I needed to yell at the void #Gods I feel like shit #myalgic encephalomyelitis #ehlers danlos syndrome #dysautonomia #chronic pain #chronic fatigue #mecfs #actually disabled #chronically ill #chronic disability #I love the NHS but I hate that it's underfunded #I hate medical gaslighting

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jabbage · 2 years ago

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I keep seeing a post floating around from an aspec person saying how they'd been made to feel monstrous and broken and wrong.

I went through those feelings in my teens and twenties and had some really dark times. I think that society gives us such limited views of what happiness and success look like, and it can be crushing. If you're someone who knows you're not going to pair off or get married or have kids, it's hard to know what a happy domesticity looks like?

I'm in my early 30s now, and I'm so contented with my life. I thought I'd share a little, in case it gives anyone a bit of hope to see one form a happy life can take which isn't perhaps the mainstream?

I wake up to find my little cat purring on my chest, and I give her a cuddle.

I get dressed in a new suit I've brought. I realised recently that off-the-shelf clothes never fit me right, so I've been saving up money to have them adjusted at a tailor. It fits perfectly now and I feel great in it. It's taken a while, but I feel like I've finally nailed a style for myself.

I walk to work, through the park so I can admire the flowers. This takes longer, but it gives me some exercise and I enjoy having the time to think. I stop off at a shop on the way and get some nice sandwiches, my favourite kind of pastry and a drink. Normally I make a pack lunch, but this is my weekly Tuesday Treat.

I have a morning meeting with some of my coworkers, who I feel value me and my work. Personal organisation in my worklife has been a struggle for me, but recently I realised I'm one of those folks who probably has ADHD and wasn't caught by the system. Just knowing this has given me so many new tools which are designed for the way by brain works, and I feel so much more confidant.

For the rest of the day instead of staying in my office I work on a picnic table in the sunshine, occasionally stopping to watch some skateboarders. At lunchtime I eat the food I bought, and I chec discord and catch up with online shenanigans. I enjoy having friendships I've forged with people across the world. I love to visit people and to travel, and my independent lifestyle gives me chance to do that. I also like having people over to stay. I like to say I'm like Bilbo Baggins, I live along in my little hobbit hole but if you come round I'll cook you an elaborate dinner and put you up for the night.

After work I go on a free guided history walk around my local area, and find out about lots of little historical things of interest I hadn't seen before. I also meet new people. Even if I never see them again, it's nice to have that moment of connection. When I get home, I video call with my parents and we share our news with each other.

I cook a quick dinner - these days I don't put pressure on myself to do anything too elaborate. I figure if frozen chopped onion and ready meals help me to eat moderately well and keep healthy, I'll use them. I have some cream which needs using, so eat it with some absolutely monstrous strawberries.

I check my personal emails with my cat purring away on my lap. I've got a little side gig writing and illustrating. I worry that I'm not very good and It doesn't make me much money and I know I'll never be famous (do I even want to be?!), but I do enjoy it. Sometimes I'm confronted with a pile of rejections which can hurt, but it's all good stuff today: the money from a book I worked on came in. There are some more details about a talk I'm giving at the British Library later this year. My agent is sending some possible opportunities my way.

I still have a few hours before bed, so I work on a creative project for a bit. Not something I'm being paid for today: it's a personal craft project. I realised a while ago I have a bad habit of monetising everything, so now I make sure to set aside time in the week to work on things that will be presents for myself or friends.

And then when it gets to about 11, I snuggle under the covers and read PG Wodehouse. I giggle. A lot.

It's been a hard slog, but I suddenly find that I'm a very happy person. There's no partner-shaped or child-shaped hole in my life. I'm content. Every life has highs and lows of course, some days are better than others. I'm sure I'll have many troubles to face in the future, but I consider my asexuality to be a positive and joyful facet of my life.

#asexual #asexuality #aroace #aromantic #aromanticism

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transgenderteensurvivalguide · 2 years ago

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Hi! What is the average recovery timeline for top surgery? One of my best friends is getting married a couple weeks after my surgery date (17 days to be exact) and I'm invited to the wedding! He's also had top surgery and said from his experience I should be okay after 2 weeks. I'll have to fly, but my partner will be with me just in case I can't lift my bags or anything. But any advice? I'll be flying out there pretty much 15 days after my surgery date. Thanks!!!

Lee says:

I had my top surgery when I was 18 and bounced back pretty quickly, but my younger age, lack of physical disabilities or chronic illnesses, and relatively good health (semi-athletic, non-smoker) made it easier for me to recover than many.

For context, I had inverted-T incision top surgery (double incision plus two extra incisions) and drains.

I was exploring the city I had my top surgery in within the first 2 weeks post-op and going to libraries, museums, candy factories, etc and taking public transportation for all of it.

You'll need to speak with your surgeon about what they expect your recovery timeline to be like as it can vary depending on your medical conditions, and whether you develop post-op complications (something that can't always be predicted when you're still pre-op).

That being said, if you are in good health and a young adult, it's likely that you would be able to go to a wedding 17 days post-op, especially because it's an event that's important to you (one of your best friends) and you'll have the support you need (a partner who can do all of the heavy luggage lifting). You'll probably be more tired than usual, but it's probably worth it to you to be present for the wedding.

This is what my top surgeon told me about post-top surgery general activity limitations:

5-7 days: may engage in ADL’s (“activities of daily living”; light housework, etc, provided not lifting more than 20-30 pounds)

7-10 days: may consider RTW (“return to work”, again with the above lifting limitations x 4-6 weeks)

2-4 weeks: may engage in light exercise/extra activity (dog-walking, etc)

4-6 weeks: may engage in moderate exercise (bicycle or treadmill, but no full exertion)

6+ weeks: full activity (including heavy lifting/jogging) generally OK

Generally, most people are back to their normal routine by 2-4 weeks. Overall, it generally takes 3 months for significant swelling to go down and 6-12 months for scars to mature/fade.

Whatever you decide to do regarding the wedding is ultimately up to you (after you have your surgeon's clearance to attend); it's valid if you don't feel comfortable going because you're concerned about being away from your surgeon and developing a possible complication.

But people do travel for gender-affirming surgeries, and it's pretty common to only stay in the area for ~2 weeks after top surgery before flying home, which is what I did.

So if you do not develop any major complications early on, it likely would be fine to leave the town that your surgeon is located in and take a flight to the wedding at ~2 weeks post-op.

Good luck with the surgery!

Followers, any additional advice or personal experiences to share with anon?

Followers say:

sequintial said: I was NOT ready to do anything like a wedding 2 weeks after top surgery. I had double incision and I'm fat, so I had a much larger area to heal, and one that interfered more with my mobility

bdw531 said: I basically slept all day for the first 1.5 weeks and couldn't even lift a glass of water to my face. Went back to work after 2 weeks. At 4 weeks, I hiked 75 miles of the PCT and at 6 weeks I was bouldering again. As with any surgery, everyone heals differently. I probably would have been up for attending a laid-back wedding ~17 days so long as I could sit and didn't dance.

happysadyoyo said: I was 29 when I had top surgery, and it took me about two weeks to stop sleeping so much. I was able to move around and do things, but especially when I had the drains in I pretty much did nothing but sleep and watch TV. The drains I feel are the most limiting factor. If you still have them, they're gonna be annoying, but even with them, so long as you're able to pace yourself (and at a wedding it should be fine) and there's no major complications, it should be fine.

#Lee says #top surgery recovery #top surgery #surgery

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rikreiner · 1 year ago

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I'm laying in bed, trying to collect my thoughts on my asexuality. Everything sounds so much better in my head, but let me try and explain a bit.

I'm in my 30s and still asexual. Not a phase, and I'm one of those who is sex favorable even if I haven't had sex in a long while. The problem is, i want to have a kid. Kind of hard when your knee jerk reaction to any type of flirting is to say no, go away. And the allos don't make it easy to say i want a kid. A few have come out of the woodwork to "offer their services" so long as it's the "traditional method" of insemination and in one case so long as I don't tell their wife. Makes me feel gross. Maybe i would just need to bite the bullet and pay a sperm bank even if that costs thousands of dollars per try.

Problems accumulate from that point. I'm single and will likely always be so. I would be supporting a kid on a single income. Not the easiest thing to do considering stagnant wages, rent being calculated based on two incomes normally, and generally just singlism in general. I want to go back for my masters and teach at the university level. Maybe then I would earn enough to support a child.

Next problem with that is i wouldn't want the child to interact with my parents because they are horrible people. So no real social safety net to speak of. I've never even told them I'm asexual because it just makes dealing with them a bit easier.

But this is getting away from me talking and rambling about my asexuality. I moderate a discord server for aces and sometimes even there i just feel out of place. I'm older, favorable, etc. I sometimes feel like i would have more in common with the bi community than the kids i look after online. We used to be part of that community if the hearsay is correct.

I feel like I've lost the thread of what i wanted to talk about now. It's 1:30 in the morning and my brain is tired. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow to think about what it is i want to say... and maybe type it from my computer rather than my phone.

#asexual #asexuality #sex favorable #ramblings #aromantic #oh yeah i didn't talk about being aromantic as well

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lovebillyhargrove · 2 years ago

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A follow-up to this (Life's a quest, innit)

***

Steve's running. He's running as fast as he can, to the stairs, down the stairs, he can't feel his legs, he's one bolt of electricity, he has to get to him. He needs to tell Billy that he knows, he knows it was him, he figured it out. It's too late, how could Steve be so oblivious, it's too fucking late now because Billy is laying there in a pool of black blood with a gaping hole in his chest, and Steve just needs him to hold on a second longer, he has to let him know, it hasn't been just a game, it's been real, Steve's been seeing Billy in his dreams for months now, please oh god, please

"Steeve.. Steve!"

"Steve!!"

Steve's shaking, he's shaking all over because this can't be happening, he needs to get to Billy, he needs to tell him

"Steve! Wake up!"

Steve opens his eyes to the dim light of the hospital room. A woman in white is hovering over him

"Are you okay? Steve, are you with me?"

"Yes.. Yes, Mrs. .. Miller. I'm .. "

He's sitting up in the armchair. He must've fallen asleep. Again.

"I must've .. it was a bad dream."

"It's 9.30 already. Are you getting home or should I fetch a blanket for you?"

"Oh, sorry. It's so late. I uh .. I'll probably get going. Have an early shift tomorrow."

Steve's sliding his hand up and down his face. He's fully back to Earth now.

"Have a nice night, Mrs. Miller. I'll come by tomorrow."

"Good night, Steve! Drive safely! Like I always say it, this boy is lucky to have you as a friend."

Steve smiled weakly, and looked at the hospital bed. Billy has been in a coma for almost a month now.

"Bye, Billy. See you tomorrow."

***

Steve was getting used to the fact that sometimes miracles happened.

Billy was alive. After the injuries that no living person was able to survive, he was still breathing. With the help of the machine, and in a coma, but he was alive.

Doctors didn't say much about the perspectives. Didn't want to give false hope, and Steve understood that. Max visited Billy almost daily. El did, too, before Mrs. Byers decided to uproot the whole family. Billy's father came once or twice, but Steve didn't see him. Each of the kids stopped by once in a while, usually accompanying Max.

Steve was here every day for two weeks straight. Before work, or after, depending on his shift, but he made it a rule of visiting Billy every day. The first couple of weeks doctors didn't allow visitation, but as soon as they gave a green light, Steve and Max were the first ones to enter Billy's room.

Steve remembers that he cried when he came back home after the first visit. He cried real tears, cried himself to sleep.

The next day he picked up "Romeo and Juliet" that he had borrowed from the Hawkins Library a couple of weeks ago. Sat in the armchair near Billy's bed and read it to him.

"These violent delights have violent ends, And in their triumph die; like fire and powder, Which, as they kiss, consume: the sweetest honey

Is loathsome in his own deliciousness, And in the taste confounds the appetite: Therefore love moderately: long love doth so."

***

Steve couldn't say that he liked reading much, on the contrary, but the times when he was reading those lines to Billy felt special.

Steve also talked to Billy. Every day.

"Hey .. just so you know, I loved the quest so much. I still have your pendant, so you better wake up if you want to get it back."

"Hey, Hargrove. I really thought it was a girl. Because .. because it's Hawkins and nothing extraordinary ever happens here. Everyone and everything has to be normal. Well, I don't really care."

"I didn't allow myself to think it could be you. And .. I really didn't think it was possible. But here it is .. a miracle. It was you. And I didn't know. I thought .. I thought it would all disappear, the things that I felt for you. But they didn't .. disappear. They are all still here, you just need to wake up, Billy. I have so much to tell you."

"But soft! what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun!— Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, Who is already sick and pale with grief, That thou her maid art far more fair than she."

"Billy, you're probably gonna laugh at me, but hey, you .. you've always been like the sun. So hot, so radiant. You were burning me, Billy, and you didn't even know that. You are the sun, and you need to .. you need to rise again. Just like the sun rises every day. It's the laws of nature, Hargrove. You don't have a choice."

***

One day Steve went to Main Street to the florist's and ordered the same kind of bouquet that he had picked up a month ago. Lots of roses, red like blood, wrapped in gray paper. The lady who took the order recognised him and he asked her how her mother was doing. They chatted a bit, and the next day Steve brought a bunch of flaming roses to Billy's room, put it on the bedside table.

"I don't know which flowers you like, Hargrove, and if you like them at all. Just want to let you know .. that I loved the ones that you had given me, remember? .. Is it okay for us to give each other flowers? .. I don't care if it isn't according to some kind of normal rules. To hell with rules."

"Let's play a game, shall we? I'll name a flower, and you'll move a finger if it's your favourite one, okay?"

It's either Billy didn't like any flowers, or he was too deep in a coma. Unreachable. Because he didn't move a finger even once.

***

One day Steve took the picture of the ocean to the hospital with him - the one that had been mailed to his house, the 11th note.

"This photo is really beautiful, man. Did you take it yourself? I guess that's California, right? Where you're from? This is actually one of my dreams, like I've always wanted to see the ocean. We can drive to the East coast, or West coast, wherever you want. You just need to open your eyes, Billy. So many good things ahead of you. I promise."

***

One day Steve finds Max sniffling, eyes red, looking out of the window in Billy's room.

"What if he never wakes up, Steve? What then??"

"Max, I .. I don't know. I guess we need to believe. To hope. Your brother is strong. He's so strong. He'll pull through."

He has to. He has to do it, for me. Am I being selfish? Fuck this, I am. I am selfish. I want him for me. I want to find out how it would feel to do all those things with him I've been wanting to do. He has to wake up.

Steve cries again, when he lays in bed sleepless that night.

He needs one more miracle.

***

"Give me my Romeo; and, when he shall die,

Take him and cut him out in little stars, And he will make the face of heaven so fine That all the world will be in love with night.."

***

Just .. wake up, Billy. Please.

***

Fin

#harringrove #billy x steve #harringrove fic

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not-a-space-alien · 2 years ago

Text

K&J x MMSS 3: Kane & Valen Part 10

Chapter 10 of the third crossover with @whumpsday!

K&J masterlist

MMSS masterlist

K&J x MMSS crossover masterlist

SERIES IS 18+ ONLY.

Warnings: Aftermath of torture

To be added to the taglist, contact @whumpsday

In this chapter:

***

It's apparent Valen will be able to speak again any day now. Jim tries to hide it, albeit unsuccessfully, but he's nervous about the situation. But he knows that his own anxieties shouldn’t trump Valen’s comfort. If Valen hasn’t used persuasion on him through writing, he won’t use it through speech, right?

"Just so you know, I'm not gonna bother with the muzzle,” Jim tells him. “We're cool, right?"

Valen's heart swells. Jim is so very brave. We're so cool, Jim. He gives two thumbs up, then shapes his hands into a heart. I'll show you there's nothing to be anxious about. Thank you for trusting me.

Jim smiles and makes a heart right back. "Awesome."

He’s been having a lot of thoughts about the situation. Holding just Kane here would be different, because that would be fair. Kane kept him, he keeps Kane. But Valen is innocent. He's holding an innocent person captive, and he hates that. But if he lets Valen go, he'll obviously take Kane, and he's still worried about Kane taking a human.

But his worries about Kane taking a human are... low. Normally he'd think I can't take that chance even if it's small. But now, not taking that chance involves imprisoning an innocent person.

Well, it’s not really imprisonment if Valen could just use persuasion, right?

Maybe Kane is less likely to take another human than he’d thought.

***

Valen's vocal cords heal enough to speak later that day. It happens when Valen instinctually clears his throat and finds that it makes a sound.

"Oh?" he says, and finds that the exclamation comes out aloud as well. "K-Kane, my dear!" He grins widely and rushes to Kane to hug him.

Kane wraps his arms around Valen, lifts him into the air, and spins him around. "Valen! Your voice!" he exclaims with a huge smile.

Valen revels in being spun before Kane puts him down, and he immediately decides what to do next. Announcing his good fortune to Kane had been the first thing he'd wanted to do when he got his voice back, but he knows the second thing: He quickly gathers up the clothes he and Kane had been making for Jim, which were just about done, and rushes to go find Jim.

Kane trails behind him as Valen tromps upstairs, now healthy enough to get around on his own at a moderate pace, and finds Jim in the living room.

"Hey, what's up?" Jim asks.

Valen holds up the outfit they'd made for him. He’d previously asked Jim's favorite color and taken his measurements, so the gift is probably not entirely a surprise. It's in the style of vampire nobility formal wear, not at all Jim's style and probably gauche from his perspective, but Valen is proud of it. It's a white ruffled top with a brocade vest, the pattern Jim's favorite color, and black slacks. There's also space for a pocket watch, but obviously Valen didn't have one or the ability to make one.

Voice still low and hoarse, to keep from straining it too much, Valen says, "Kane and I made you a gift, as a thanks for letting us stay here."

Oh, it's so not Jim's style, but he's very touched by the thought that went into it. He takes it gingerly. "First of all, congrats on talking again! This is awesome, thank you both. This must've taken you guys a while."

"Valen's been teaching me how to sew!" Kane interjects proudly.

"That's great, Kane," Jim says with a smile.

"Try it on!" Valen enthuses, oblivious to the fact that wearing this is about as in character for Jim as wearing a trash bag.

Jim laughs. "Okay, yeah, I gotta try it on, right?" He shoos them out of the room while he changes, then goes to show them, posing exaggeratedly.

Valen claps his hands to his chest and sighs, like a proud mother. "Ooh, you look so handsome." He reaches out and straightens the cravat. "My mother was so disappointed when I started wearing clothes like this. She was infatuated with the beautiful dresses Priscus always got for me.” His voice is getting tired quickly, but he’s caught up in the euphoria of being able to talk again. “Sometimes I wonder if it would have been more fulfilling for her to have a baby doll than a child." His hands falter. "Well–well, I'm not sure to what events you could possibly wear this, but you look quite handsome. I'd love to make something for Liz as well, but I'm not sure if she wears dresses or something more like this."

"Sorry your mom didn't respect you." Jim says sympathetically. "I don't think I've seen Liz in a dress since she was like, eleven. But I'm sure she'd rock whatever you make her."

Valen beams. "We should have a party. You and Liz can invite whatever friends you like, and Kane, you can invite your lovely friend Bellamy, it sounds like he has lots of human friends as well, and I..." Valen trails off as he realizes he doesn't really have anyone to invite. The pause also makes him stop to actually consider what he'd just proposed, as though just now only realizing why it might be a bad idea. "Well, well it was just an idea. I shall ask Liz what she would like me to make her next time she is over."

"Bellamy's not my-" Kane starts, realizing Valen must have a very different impression of his relationship with the childhood friend he’s spoken to exactly once in the past century.

"Valen, you're great, but I think if there's any more vampires in this house, I'll have a heart attack," Jim says gently. "We can probably get Liz and Laken over for something, though."

Valen blushes. "Of course. I apologize, it was insensitive of me to suggest." He gives a polite little bow. "But that sounds lovely, I would certainly love to meet Laken."

"Laken's a hunter, just so you guys know,” Jim warns, wanting to avoid any more freaking out. “Liz's partner. They're cool, they won't hurt you.”

The smile drops from Kane's face and he whimpers, clinging to Valen.

"Or maybe not," Jim amends. "It can just be the four of us."

Valen gives Kane some taps. "Kane, dear, come now. Liz has been so generous to us. It would be unfair for us to shun her partner. Do you think someone like Liz, who would feed us, would partner with someone who would be cruel to us? Can you picture Liz doing anything like-" Valen breaks off, eyeing Jim, walking back the grisly details he was about to divulge. "-that?"

Kane hesitates. Yes, yes I can picture that. Liz hates me, she only likes you. If you weren't here I am 99% sure she would hurt me. “...Okay. If, if you think it'll be safe, then, then okay." he settles with.

"Laken's cool, I promise." Jim gives a thumbs-up. "Then it'll be the five of us. Laken has a karaoke machine, I think. Maybe you can use your new voice on that."

Valen taps Kane three times, like he had before when he couldn’t speak. "It will be nice, my dear, I'm sure it will. And you want Liz to like you, right? If you can get Laken to like you, I'm sure that will win her favor. After all, a good relationship with someone's partner is a sure shortcut to getting on their good side." This with a wink at Jim. "And a karaoke machine sounds wonderful." A pause. "Except, tell me, what exactly is a karaoke machine...?"

***

Liz is not pleased when Jim tells her Valen's speaking freely and not muzzled, but the fact that it went well is proof it wasn't needed. She chides Jim for taking a stupid risk, then lets it go. A full-strength vampire with persuasion and Kane living in Jim's house makes her anxious, but she doesn't really see Valen as too much of a threat.

Next time Jim is talking to Liz on the phone, Valen pipes up in the background demanding Jim to ask Liz what sort of outfits she and Laken would like to wear, and to dictate their measurements to him. After getting the information he needs, he works furiously in the days leading up to the planned get-together. He’s very excited to have something constructive to do with his hands, and plans a flowy gown for Laken, and a suit with coattails for Liz. He is not sure if anyone will want to actually wear theirs, but he plans to wear his nicest outfit, which is similar to the one he made for Jim, but in a darker color palette.

When the day they’ve planned the party for does come, Kane is inseparable from Valen, clinging to him anxiously. He's already scared of Liz, and now there's going to be a second hunter, and it's daytime.

Valen tries to distract Kane by having him help finish the clothes in the hours leading up to the planned event.

"Kane, darling, what do you think is going to happen?" Valen asks, keeping his hands busy with the needle and thread, weaving in and out with practiced ease, like a spider spinning. "Do you think Laken is going to start getting violent with us, and Jim and Liz will just stand by in silent approval? Why do you feel like the addition of Laken is going to change anything when it's Liz you're scared of?"

"Sometimes the... the hunters would goad each other. There were hunters who never touched me- you were only there for a couple of weeks, I don't know if you saw them, we were apart for a few days- there were some hunters who wouldn't hurt me themselves, but would encourage their friends to be meaner. Maybe someone would be about to give in to my begging, and they'd convince them not to. Or they'd be about to use a regular whip, and they goad their friends into a silver one. More hunters is worse." Kane rambles, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. "And Liz already hates me. And Jim... he's been kind, but he probably does, too. He's at least scared of me."

Valen sets down the sewing supplies, taking Kane's face between his hands, tilting him to look at him. "Dear. Liz and Jim are anxious around you, but they still help you. They feed you. They're scared that you're going to hurt them, but they put in the effort to be kind anyway. It's alright to be anxious, but they are already doing this for us. It would be uncharitable to assume the worst of them, and refuse to do the same." He removes one hand from Kane's face and takes his hand with it. "And I will be right there the whole time.”

"Oh. I... I don't know how to stop being scared. I didn't know it was... bad, or ungrateful. Do you think it would be enough to just pretend I'm not, in front of them?" Kane asks.

"You don't have to stop being scared. It's only natural to be scared. You can't help it. But you can choose to be kind and trust them anyway, because they're already trusting you and I, when they didn't have to. You can see it when Jim and Liz are scared. They don't hide it well. Do you wish they would just pretend to not be afraid?"

"I don't wish that. You're right, I'll try to trust them," Kane agrees.

Valen smiles. “Now, do you want to wear the outfit I made you? It matches with mine."

Kane takes the outfit. "I'd love nothing more than to match with you." Even through his fear, he smiles a little.

Kane's outfit is white with gold trim, and Valens' is dark blue with silver trim. Valen's has a small moon embroidered on his breast pocket. "Um..." he says sheepishly. "I thought this color scheme would look good, and it reminded me of how the first song you sang to me was Fly Me To The Moon, and it made me want to add a moon, and then I thought a motif of day and night would be delightful, before I realized it may be in poor taste to embroider a sun on yours. So I didn't. But if you would prefer some other symbol, I can add it in not too much time."

Kane’s delighted about the matching outfits. "They're wonderful, Valen. I love it. Thank you so much." He gives him a peck on the lips. "Maybe mine could have a star? If, if you want to. That's still kind of like the sun, since the sun is a star, and it matches." He chuckles a little, thinking about that first time he sang to Valen. "I guess Cyril was right about us after all."

"Hah. If Cyril was ever right about anything, it would have been entirely by coincidence only." Valen takes the top and quickly starts stitching a star over the breast pocket. "And we can give Liz and Laken theirs as soon as they get here. I'm positive if we spend some time with them, and have some positive interactions, they will start to view us less as predators and more as friends. I'm glad my face is finally starting to look a little less ghastly. For the longest time I looked hardly more than a skull. Dreadful."

"I don't think you looked dreadful, but maybe I'm biased. But I'm very glad you're healing." He puts the outfit on. It reminds him of when he would model Bellamy's creations when he was a boy.

Kane, Valen, and Jim are already in their outfits when Liz and Laken arrive. Liz carries a karaoke machine, and Laken a small cake.

"What's up, party people!" Laken shouts. They grin at Kane and Valen. "Hey, vampires. Sorry, no cake for you. Got some extra blood if you want it, though. I'm Laken."

Kane is kind of half-hiding behind Valen, but he does a little wave. "Hi."

Valen smiles broadly. "It's wonderful to meet you, Laken." He gives a quick curtsey. "I'm Valen. And this creature lurking behind me is Kane."

Kane blushes with embarrassment and comes out from behind Valen a little bit. "I am indeed Kane. It's nice to meet you. Thank you for coming," he says politely, trying to work past his fear.

Laken copies Valen's curtsey. "Cool. Nice to meet you guys, too."

Liz and Laken are both delighted with their gifts. Laken gives Kane and Valen each an extra half-meal, which they both accept gratefully. Kane quickly becomes okay around Laken, disarmed by Valen's presence and the calm atmosphere.

Valen is upon Laken instantly as they’re setting up the karaoke machine. “Jim told me this is basically a singing machine.”

Laken laughs. “Yeah, it’s totally rad! Vampires don’t have karaoke? You wanna give it a try?”

Valen is horrible at singing, and knows he’s probably just going to humiliate himself, but it’s been so long since he’s done anything lighthearted in a group like this. “Yes,” he says emphatically. “I would love to.”

Laken sets the machine on the table and starts flipping through the songs it has. “What do you wanna sing to?”

Valen doesn’t know anything about music. He turns to Kane. “Um…I’m not really familiar with human composers. Kane, would you help me pick?”

“Sure!”

After they all fiddle with the machine to set it up and pick a song, Valen stands up at the front of the room, taking the little microphone to sing a song Laken had assured him would be a great karaoke song.

“Toniiiight, I’m gonna have myself a real good time. I feel aliiiive.”

Valen squints to read the lyrics on the machine, regretting that he’s never heard this song before. “And the world, I'll turn it inside out, yeah, I'm floating around in ecstasy. So don’t. Stop. Me. Now. Don't stop me.”

Valen’s eyebrows shoot up as the music swells unexpectedly, and he stutters to try and keep up as the pace increases. Everyone laughs good-naturedly.

“'Cause I'm having a-time, having a good-I'm a shooting star leaping through-like a tiger–Kane, I think whoever wrote this has unrealistic expectations on what tigers can do–”

“Don’t stop singing!” Laken calls. “You can’t just stop, you have to keep going!”

Valen scrambles to try and pick up his place. “-r-racing car passing by like Lady Godiva–Am I supposed to know who that is? Should I-”

“Don’t stop singing!” comes the chorus of gentle heckles.

“I’m burning through the sky, yeah, 200 degrees that’s why they call me Mister Farenheiiiight.” Valen is starting to get more comfortable and starts to walk away from the machine, forgetting it’s connected by a cord, accidentally pulling it taut and being slightly yanked back. “Kane, you should call me Mr. Fahrenheit, that’s delightful.”

Kane gets up and joins Valen at the mic for the next part, trying to be brave. “I wanna make a supersonic man outta you!”

Valen flushes beet red. They continue to duet for the rest of the song–Kane is a much better singer than Valen is, but both of them seem to trip up over the more explicit parts of the song–neither of them can bring themselves to say I’m a sex machine ready to reload out loud, and Valen hides his face when he realizes that explode is in this case a euphemism for orgasm.

Valen does have some confusing but positive feelings when he sees the lyrics say “I wanna make a supersonic man out of you” and “I wanna make a supersonic woman of you” and he realizes you can do that. He’s definitely not the first person to have their bisexual awakening via Freddy Mercury, but he’s probably the first vampire (but not the last).

When the song is over, Valen sits on the couch, happy he did it, but resolving to never sing in public again.

“You did great,” Kane says. “Your voice is beautiful.”

Valen flushes and squirms, unsure of how to handle the praise.

Laken does karaoke next, then Jim takes a crack at it. They even manage to coerce Liz into trying it at one point, after the humans have loosened up with good food and beverages. It’s about as good of a party as can be managed with three humans and two vampires.

As their day of hanging out winds down, Jim says, "So, I wanted to say something. Um, you guys are free to go. I've been thinking about it, and... I don't wanna like, hold prisoners." He looks to Kane. "Just... as long as you're not gonna take anyone else."

"Never. Never ever, I'd never take anyone else." Kane promises. "Thank you so much for trusting us."

Valen is shocked. That was so fast. He'd expected to be kept here for much, much longer.

But it's also a little scary...where would they go? The thought of returning to normal life suddenly seems so overwhelming and impossible. What would he do?

"Thank you, Jim," says Valen. "I assure you that I would never let Kane do such a thing, even if he felt so inclined, though I know he doesn't." Valen turns to Kane. "I suppose we need to...talk about what we want to do, then, later when we're alone?"

Kane nods at Valen's question, but he's staring at Jim. He held Jim captive for five years, and Jim's letting him go after less than two weeks. He knows it's probably because of Valen, but still. "I'm so sorry for everything, Jim. Thank you for everything you've done for us."

Jim shrugs. "'Course. You were all fucked up. I wasn't just gonna leave you there. And, I mean, you could pretty much leave any time you wanted anyway, considering you can talk now and all. Figured I'd make it official. Plus the blood thing can't really go on forever, 'specially with the both of you." Jim explains. "Don't feel rushed or anything, though. This's gone... pretty much as great as it could possibly go. You've been awesome guests. Glad I could give you somewhere safe to heal up."

Valen deflates a little bit. It seems like Jim is mostly letting them go out of practicality, because he doesn't want to feed them anymore, rather than sentimentality. Part of Valen wants to stay longer, but it wouldn't be right given Jim and Liz have to feed them from their own bodies. He understands that no humans would really be eager to have them around, but...

"Um," says Valen nervously. "Would it be possible for me to ask for a favor? I...was on human territory originally to gather ingredients for an experiment I was conducting, but I'm not sure if I'll have the courage to work in human territory anymore." He reddens. "Would you be opposed to helping me gather some before we leave?"

"Yeah, I could help with that. Um, what was the experiment?" Jim asks.

"Valen was making blood!" Kane says excitedly. "He was making blood from mushrooms!"

Jim's eyebrows shoot up. "Really?"

Valen flushes, embarrassed. "Well–well I was trying to test various methods of making artificial blood...none of them were exactly successful, but...yes, that was my goal. Th-thank you in advance for your help." Valen ducks out of the conversation, regretting asking. He's not good at being confident in his experiment, since everyone says it can't work, and he hates talking about it --it makes him feel exposed and embarrassing.

Jim and Kane keep talking about the experiment while Valen goes to sit with Liz and Laken.

"He told me it's not enough to live off of, but it makes you feel full, staves off hunger." Kane says proudly. "And it just wasn't done yet. I'm sure Valen could do it if he kept trying. He's really smart."

"That would be amazing, I'll totally help." Jim agrees.

Valen goes to the table, sitting in front of the cake that Laken has brought. "Laken, I barely ever see human food. What is this, exactly? It looks delightful." It looks delightful in the way an oil painting looks delightful, with the icing shaped into flowers, and it smells about as appetizing to eat as an oil painting as well.

"Baking's kind of a science. You're into that stuff, right? If you get a bunch of chicken eggs, flour- that's from wheat- butter, milk, sugar, and baking power together, and you mix up the right amounts and cook 'em at the right temperature, you get this. I actually dunno what's in baking powder." Laken says.

"I've never been good at that stuff. Jim always cooked for me, and now I mostly do just the easiest stuff. I tried to make a birthday cake for Jim when I was 14 and it did not go well," Liz laughs.

"What are you guys talking about over there? Don't let her in my kitchen!" Jim calls.

Valen listens to Laken's explanation with fascination. "I would never have guessed. The artistry behind it is commendable. Humans are so clever." He taps a fork. "I know this is unconventional, but I'm...very curious as to what actually happens if I try to eat human food. I've never done it before. May I try some?" He knows he's probably really, really going to regrets this, but he's always had a hard time stamping out his curiosity. And they all look like they're enjoying it so much. This must be one of the more delicious human foods.

"Fuck yeah, I wanna know too! I already know blood tastes like copper. Tell me, too." Laken pushes their plate toward Valen. "Hope it doesn't make you sick, though."

"I don't think vampires get sick," Liz says with a shrug.

Valen cautiously takes a fork and cuts off a small piece. The texture looks like it would be interesting in his mouth, far more solid than anything he's ever eaten, and the icing is creamy. It looks like it should taste very good, but it smells just about like paint thinner. His nose warns him with increasing urgency to abort the mission as it gets closer to his mouth.

If vampires don't get sick, this must be as close to feeling sick as they do get. Valen immediately spits it out, unable to even keep it in his mouth long enough to swallow. "Oh--oh my," is all he's able to say.

Kane looks over. "Did you just eat human food?" he asks incredulously.

Laken laughs. "Yeah."

"No, he spit it out," Liz corrects. "You okay?"

"Physically, yes," he says. "Emotionally, I may be compromised from hereon out at the sight of cake." He bows his head mournfully. "A small price to pay for satiating curiosity." He grins. "Kane, you should try it too!"

"No thank you."

Liz and Laken eventually go. Jim makes plans to help Valen get the stuff from his house plus gathering materials. After that, Jim says, "Hey, I just wanna say, thanks. I dunno if I'd be able to handle being at home with Kane after everything if you weren't here too. And you're sweet for making me a whole outfit and everything, and you're really cool to hang out with. I know we haven't known each other that long, but I'm glad we're friends." He smiles.

"I'm so happy too, Jim,” Valen agrees. “You're so kind, and I owe you so much. If...if you'd like to, we can keep in touch?"

"I would be sad if we didn't!" Jim hadn't even considered the possibility that they wouldn't. He hugs Valen. "You don't owe me anything. I know it's not... the same, but I get how hard it is to come right out of captivity. I'm glad I could help it suck less."

Valen is so happy to be hugged. He'd wanted to, but knew Jim might be too afraid. Jim is the first friend he's made ever since he'd upended his life to try and live authentically and lost all his old ones... Though they could hardly be called friends after that.

While they're still hugging, Valen says quietly, "I do owe you. You have every right to kill Kane, but you let me keep him. I know it is little comfort to you now, but he really has changed completely. I know that...such a thing would be difficult, if not impossible, but I would love to see him make it up to you and the two of you become friends. I know I'm full of such lofty and impossible ideas, but I at least have to try."

Jim gets somewhat uncomfortable. "I can't do that. I can't just... be friends with him, after everything. I really can't." After he pulls away, he nervously palms at the neck of his turtleneck to make sure it's still there.

Valen folds his hands neatly in front of himself. "I understand completely. Forgive me for being so bold. Still, I hope you can find some sense of peace. He isn't dead, but the man who abused you is truly gone. I hope you never feel anxious about your safety again. You deserve to feel in control of your body. Everyone does."

Jim gives him a tiny smile. "Thanks. I've been trying. I think feeding him again's helped, in a weird way. 'Cause it's my choice now, I'm in control of it. I hope you and Kane can feel safe again, too."

***

Later that night, after the party is over and the humans are gone or sleeping, Valen and Kane lie interlocked on the air mattress in the basement. They both know it’s going to be the last time they sleep here–the last time they’re going to be here, under the authority of humans, and the thought is hard to wrestle with for both of them.

They’re going to be free. They’re going to be able to do whatever they want. It’s what they want, of course, but it’s still going to be….scary. And hard to adjust to.

Kane rolls over, red eyes shining in the darkness.

"Valen... after this, wherever we end up... would you want to stick together?" Kane asks timidly. "I had no one, in my old life, not really.”

Valen rubs his hands on Kane’s. "I also don't have much to go back to. Ever since I left my husband, I've had a very hard time making friends, or keeping the old ones. So...I think I would like that."

Kane slowly reaches out and brushes Valen’s hair out of his face. “I just want to stay with you, whatever you want to do."

Valen smiles, feeling warm, and puts his hand over Kane’s. “And I would be delighted to have you.”

***

K&J x MMSS crossover taglist:

@barebarb

@cc1010foxy

@emcscared-whumps

@hurtpluscomfort

@melancholy-in-the-morning

@pigeonwhumps

@secretwhumplair

@some-thrilling-heroics

@t0rture-me

@thecyrulik

@thejinglingcourtjester

@vehan-tikkun-olam-and-stuff

@whuarri

@whump-cravings

@whump-my-heart-away

@whumpycries

@wolfeyedwitch

@whump-addict

@why-not-ask-me-a-better-question

#whump #vampire whumpee #MMSS #K&J #angst #whumpblr #hurt/comfort

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