#i'll get better.

[jaypentaghast]

the kisses to his temple are you fucking kidding me

[wisemins]

Entry 1 | (1/30/24)

Just gonna start spewing my thoughts a bit when I can, I'm starting a new journey as of last night to really, really try to help my self-loathing and to gain a better sense of self and self-worth. Will also involve f/o stuff. I'll just be keeping these under read mores if y'all don't wanna read <3

So last night I just really broke down. To be short about it I'm just so tired of sabotaging myself and being my worst enemy and my worst advocate. I can't let myself have anything and there was something that my girlfriend said to me that made it all finally just...click. I was apologizing to her for being so "impossible" and for being so hard to deal with and then she said. "I'm not the one you need to apologize to." As in, I needed to apologize to myself. That the person I was being mean to, that I was bullying and making cry almost every day needed an apology because of how I'm treating her. It changed my perspective a lot, somehow. With self-shipping most of us learn to in some degree appreciate ourselves more because we are force to perceive ourselves from our f/os perspectives, a not so harsh view, right? Well my self-loathing is so bad that most days I can't even imagine them wanting to perceive me, and they are just with me *just because*. It's been such a hard time to cope with that, but I want to change it. I want to feel loved and cared for by them again, not just take care of them. That is a popular theme too, me taking care of everyone around me, always, and purposefully leaving no room left for myself because at times it hurt to receive affection and love, whether real or fictional. I just felt so undeserving and as if I wasn't *meant* to be loved, only to give love. That's a very isolating feeling. Throughout my life it felt like it continued to get proven again, and again. But in the end I need to realize that I do deserve love and to be taken care of too. I deserve to feel good, despite what my mind might say. I'm so fearful usually, that if I let myself have good things or be happy for myself or imagine my fictional loves loving me, that somehow it makes me self-centered and selfish. That's an irrational fear, obviously. But this all really just put it into perspective. I want to do better, but I also need to. I cannot continue on going like this anymore, it's too much. I destroy myself every day because others in my past have made me feel undeserving, and eventually I became that source of hatred. I don't want to hate myself anymore. My girlfriend also said something else that really hit home. "Would you say all the things you say to yourself to your face?" And, my answer was no. and she followed up with: "Would you make yourself cry like you do now, if she was in front of you?" And my answer was no, followed by more crying. My girlfriend said that was because I'm not a mean person like I said I was. I was convinced that I was a horrible, rude, and mean person who secretly was some kind of self-centered piece of shit that was angry and conceited and undeserving. But I couldn't stand to watch myself cry, to make myself cry like I always do. I say such horrible things to myself, at myself, hoping to destroy any more will to let myself have anything because it hurts so much to be vulnerable. But I need to be vulnerable, I need to learn how to express my feelings. I want to. I'm tired of shutting everything out, pretending it's all fine when I abuse myself daily. I don't deserve that.

And honestly, I don't think my f/os would be cool with me being this cruel to myself. I never like to acknowledge it because it forced me to face how wrong I was, but sometimes the darker hours would come and I would believe they'd believe it too. Or worst yet, I was plagued by the idea of indifference. How my beloveds wouldn't hate me, but rather, be completely and utterly indifferent toward me. That hurt the most, because as we all know (thank you desperate housewives) the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. So I've dug holes within my ships, with the thought that my f/os, sometimes my most prized and long-lived f/os, would feel indifferent toward me. And it hurts, it hurts so much. I know they would never act like that or treat anyone that way ever, but it always feels like I'm the exception. But I know I'm not. I'm worthy of their love and care and affection, it's just so hard to see sometimes. I'm so incapable of looking inward and seeing who I truly am, instead I see every flaw and everything I hate about myself.

I do need more reassurance than I let on to everyone. I create for everyone else, I make them feel good about themselves all the time, which will never leave me, I do love making sure the people around me are happy, but I try so hard to not receive it back. I feel so unworthy. But I do need that reassurance, I do need others to sometimes say that my f/os do *love* me, that they don't feel indifferent toward me. I do need to also find it within myself to supply that sort of self care. But, I think starting with reassurance will help me. I just need to ask. Which, in my very mentally ill mind, is the most impossible task. But I will do that today, I will ask. And hopefully, it won't be the worst thing in the world.

well, this felt good to write down. A bit uncomfortable, because well-- I'm not used to sharing my feelings so much. But it's better than continuing to be repressed.

[zookie-art]

Shadows and light ~

[dudedidujust]

Au where Damian comes to Gotham with the goal of infiltrating and eventually overthrowing Batman instead of inheriting the mantle. Not much changes from canon except for the fact that he views everything that batman owns as his. That's his future cave and his future batmobile. This also includes his robins. After all everyone knows Batman wouldn't really be Batman without them.

Cue a very bewildered Tim being lectured on his eating habits by a righteous Damian who won't let one of his people take shortcuts with their health.

[githling]

i headcanon that young gith have floppy useless ears like baby german shepherds.

[nipuni]

😔 Oh Crowley..

[spookberry]

Idiot to Idiot communication

[six-tooth]

give this woman some temazepam or something

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Heh...Literally nothing personal, kid.

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[heavyheavycream]

[messrsbyler]

you. yes you, person with rejection sensitive dysphoria. this message is for you. your friends DON'T hate you. they aren't mad at you. they aren't talking behind your back or wished to cut their friendship with you. they love you and treasure you and they are good people who wouldn't hurt you like that! ok, that's all. have a nice day.

[heyimkana]

[yllu-stration]

Tattoo flash sheet inspired by Simon "Ghost" Riley (2022) because I hate the ones they gave him in the game 😇

[abyssalzones]

If you have the same hyperfixation for too long they put money on your head and baby I'm frontlining America's most wanted

bonus parallel fidds sprites

[whollyjoly]

i want the whole SEASON of bucktommy

i want buck being wooed - flowers and being taken out and a little protective hand on the small of his back

i want to hear all the soft ways tommy can say evan and the look on buck's face when he does

i want to see them at tommy's karaoke trivia place because holy shit buck would love it (and didnt oliver say that we're getting buck singing this season cause uhhhhh)

i love that this is such a fling, such a happy thing for buck - he is finally feeling that puzzle piece click into place and it is freeing

and i cant wait to see all the small ways we see that play out!!!

let buck be happy challenge 2k24!!!!