#i'll get a new job lmao
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decided to go back to uni
#ive been DELIBERATING. and its a good choice#look i really can't imagine going back to teaching#and what I really don't want is to scramble for a new career in a new field as a junior without education#besides i know what i want#it's just a bachelors. it'll be over in a jiffy#you get paid to study here and I'll have an easier time finding an apartment too -- its the reason im starting on monday already (not uni b#t I lucked out and got put in some electoral classes that I could take just to get student status until may#and then i start the curator bachelors in august so it just. works. i can scarcely believe it but ill have time to change my mind if i do#IM SCARED. IM PUMPED. I FEEL OLD. IT'LL BE FINE.#also lmao every meeting i had with a councelor past few weeks ended with me sobbing because im so terrified and relieved at the same time#(really can't imagine teaching again i think it would kill me)#(but holy shit starting an entirely new carreer at 32? she wildin')#but yeagh. job ops look great and i have always regretted not turning to history so. AUGH PIC RELATED ME ASF#for a split second did I deliberate studying theology to be ordained just to spit the catholic church in the face? i did. what a laughhhh
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Me: Oh god. It's time for our company's yearly performance review. Where my boss will judge my performance over the past year and see how awful I am at my job and--
My boss: You're doing such a great job and I'm so happy you're here <3
Me:
#SLAMS MY HEAD INTO THE TABLE I probably need therapy.#Shima speaks#LMAO#I always. ALWAYS get stressed about these and they ALWAYS turn out just fine#It's the self-esteem. The self-esteem I don't have :)#Anyway glad that I wasn't roasted and fired and I'm doing good at my job.#I'M GOOD AT MY JOB?? ME?? OKAY I'LL TAKE IT! I'LL TAKE IT#Listen this may not be my dream job but it's a good job with good people#And it pays my bills. Couldn't ask for more#Eventually I will leave to work elsewhere but I'm glad I'm doing good 馃槶#Realizing like. How important my job is actually. When I do leave the company I'll have to train the new hire#For at LEAST a couple weeks#Bc I'm the only one in this department that knows how to do payments! Just me!!#Anyway. Glad that stress is gone now#I can go home and watch One Piece and NOT cry over a tub of ice cream#(I'll probably do that anyway but bc of the anime Emotions and not bc of work. LMAO)
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Praise be! I'm getting fired!!!!!!!!!
(Yes, I'm fucking happy about it. FUCK RETAIL)
I mean technically they already fired me but I never received the letter. Bunch of idiots.
The worst is yet to come with the store closing and my manager a pain in the ass but the end is neigh!
#lmao#fired#retail#haleluya#legit i'm so happy I'm getting fired and don't have to quit myself without having a new job#now i'll finally manage to get some help pushing into fields of work that fit me#instead of 'fuck i need to learn this language let's just do retail'#mistakes were made#future here i come!!!
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I'm not gonna screenshot it bc 1/it really doesn't matter that much and 2/the person who made the comment is a kid but: a while ago I made a comic that's supposed to be a genuine study and reinterpretation of someone else's sprite comic (made in the spirit of authenticity too - to recreate the vibes of the sprite comics from that era, iirc very specifically because it's funny) and I got a comment on that comic's post that's like "glow up"
which is a compliment obvs. and the commenter probably didn't mean anything by it, it's a common expression. but I've been trying to find a way to gracefully put that comment away ever since it appeared lol
I just very much don't want my art to be taken as trying to one-up someone else's art when that's not the piece's intention. especially when the piece that inspired my art is perceived as "low effort" or "shitpost" or stuff like that. I did mention in the tags of that post that my considering it a study is entirely genuine, and I can legitimately write pages about the cool stuff I find in it other than and inherent in the haha funneys, but that's not for you guys that's for me. I just think that approaching art competition-first like that is a miserable way to do it, and (tipping into overthinking here if the whole tiny-comment-got-stuck-in-my-brain-for-almost-a-month part hasn't given that away yet lol) I really don't want that to be the takeaway from my own art. at least generally. if I actually think the source material is trash and what I'm doing is genuinely categorically better I'd just come out and say it lmao
#bakuspeech#yeah it's the darkhog sprite comic#honestly I don't love comments that put my art and other artists' art in a hierarchy in general. wherever my art lands on that scale#especially when it comes to character writing and trans 'representation'#which like. idk man I'm writing One character. he's NOT gonna be The Trans Experience. he's gonna be one character.#but yeah I'd guess I'm writing it all out in a post bc it's not really a race that anyone opts in#I don't actively participate but by virtue of how my art is perceived I just end up on the scale anyway#so uh. I'm suggesting that we do not bring the scale into my house at all lmao#there's also the like. Don't Yuck My Yum guideline of looking at art that's like#I like the things I'm aping! most of the times! if I don't say it's shit and I'm drawing stuff from it usually that means I like it lol#and then you kinda come in like wow what you're doing here is better than the thing you like. and it's not like yknow.#really anything. it's extremely trivial comparatively. but you are in fact yucking my yum there#tldr please try not to think abt art u like vs art u don't as ''better'' or ''worse'' and#have grace for the things that don't please u personally. anyways I'm omw to finishing the frog now. just need to fell all the seams down#and put that boy in da spinner for a ride. and then it can live in a gift bag until the day#I really enjoy holding it actually... maybe after this one I'll make something else. tbh slick stretchy fabrics are superior to fuzzy fabri#doesn't pill And cooler to touch. stuffed toys for the subtropical population#I'll get a combilation of pics once the thing's at its new home. but for now. we must finish the job
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in a fit of job-related frustration i briefly went job hunting and while the prospects were bleak enough that i abandoned the exercise pretty quickly, i actually found two library jobs that were so suspiciously perfect for what i want in a job i was kind of like ??? what the fuck. i yearned for a library job back when i was first seriously job hunting in the us in 2020 but i couldnt find anything full time or with decent enough pay. and now TWO (2) jobs that a) are higher level but DON'T require a master's degree, which is shocking enough in itself b) both exceed my current pay rate (????) and c) actually are in my wheelhouse and are jobs i could do well, show up on my radar in the exact week i'm looking at jobs? suspicious!
i applied to both of them mostly just for kicks. i kind of forgot about it last week due to my grad school haze but i just remembered to double check the apps and for the one that closed to applications last weekend i've been moved up to reviewing training/experience... which seems like a good sign???? genuinely don't know what i'd do if i actually get asked to interview but that'd be so funny omfg
#liveblogging life#me: i'll quit my job if they force us to come back in five days a week#me: applies to a job that's 100 percent on site#the DIFFERENCE is with this job it actually NEEDS to be on site which immediately makes me less resentful about it lmao#also it's a LIBRARY. which immediately makes me WANT to be on site lol#i dont know that i'll get an interview offer but i do actually fit the qualifications to a t so maybe????#i'm also kind of leery about even the potential possibility of a new job since i want to take a long vacation next may#and like. if my hopes for grad school pan out i may be moving out of mn next fall?????#but that's assuming they'll pan out which like lol there's NO guarantee of that whatsoever#and if they dont i'll be staying in mn obvs so....#idk. i looked at other jobs but tbh none of them match my pay while having something i'd want to do#and i want to stay with my employer i just want to switch to a different dept or s/t#and really ideally i'd like to NOT work with doctors... so ideally i want like a grant related position or s/t#where i'd be reviewing things or writing things and not doing calendar micromanagement#but i'm having trouble finding jobs that offer that and are still at a comparable pay#and tbh if i move i'd ideally like a HIGHER pay.#[deep sigh]#anyway i feel like i'm waiting for so many things next week#my grad lors to get back to me and potentially job responses.... this is so stressful
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@cruelfeline look at what I found in my city today XD We miss you!!
#ignore the crappy grainy quality of my phone camera lmao#she never gives me a heads up that she's going to be here for work; it's always texting me last minute once she's here XDD#she's doesn't like her new job but i do; it's brought her over twice this year already and i'll get to see her again in august#i've seen her more this year than i have the last ten years put together#this was not how i expected to spend my sunday#i planned a solitary quiet day of writing on my balcony and doing laundry cooking and some house cleaning#instead i spent my whole afternoon evening and into the night with her#normally i'm very resentful of anything that disrupts my routine or my plans but#she's one of the exceptions i will drop everything for XD#withoutwords
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hi there, I love your fics 馃ズ any kennderland content soon?
I hope so!
At my 'new' (as if it hasn't been half a year already) job I literally cannot have my phone on me while I work so any of the little downtime I've had I can't write on my phone........
........so I've been hand writing it when I get the chance (featuring censor lizard)
[ edit: video and end of post below cut ]
The problem now is I have to sit down and write this up digitally which I just... haven't done it yet.
Thank you to those of you who have recently left kudos and comments! I do see them and it makes me happy and pushes me to try and get more stuff written.
#work was super busy for the last three months and ive been learning on the fly and its been like drinking through a firehose#just normal industry capitalism problems of not enough people and not enough time for a big fucking project#so it was down to either giving the new inexperienced person (me) the really fucking hard thing to do or no one does it lol#i do like the work wayyy more than my old job but its been A Lot#im fortunate enough to have a good manager and way more experienced people helping me get through it#anyway that dumb dumpster fire is basically done now (hopefully) so i'll (hopefully) not be using all my braincells as much#im also so bad and rotating additional blorbos and have ideas for that stuff rn that if incorporated into PE as is would be a big time skip#and a lot of 'ok just trust me this is how this is working'#anyway thats all my excuses lmao#if you are one of the people out there that can still read cursive and/or my handwriting you can spoil yourself#asks#ramblings#kennderland#STEM is all well and good until you get into it and realize how many things are holding on by a thread#thats a wholeeee other rant that i dont need to get started on lol
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I didn't realize how much I really do need to be an English Minor until my supervisor gave me an article to summarize the other day (we didn't write it, we were using it for a newsletter) and one paragraph in I saw something that looked stupid and therefore I researched it (yes it was stupid) and the rest of the article was very much just an advert for the site it was on without much actual, y'know, *substance*??? And istg I sat there for a solid 30 seconds buffering about how easily I dissected that Thang and tore it to SHREDS in my notes as tho my 11th grade teacher asked me to write a review on it.
And then I swallowed my pride and summarized it because I'm an intern, don't get paid enough to try and find a better article for my supervisor to approve, and I'm 75% sure no one is going to actually read beyond my little blurbs so it's fine. Whatever.
#light's spot#It was definitely written by AI and it was from BetterHelp too#guys it was NOT a win#my idea for using the section to bring to light disability pride month was kinda shot-down right before this too#so giving me the shittiest article i've ever torn apart to use instead was like salt in the wound#but this is only the 2nd time this kinda thing has happened and I'm not internalizing it#it was a rush job for the project anyways so it's not like there was a ton of time to get a new one approved#but still lmao#I think my english teachers woukd be proud of me#I haven't done something that filled me with such a rush since the last AP test I took in highschool. gods I miss english courses 馃槶馃槶馃槶#everything is kinda foggy these days when I try to think/do stuff. but apparently analyzing papers/articles is the one thing where it's not#<- probably some sort of mental illness or distaste for life or whatever but I'm not unpacking that rn#putting this one in the queue#i'll probably be offline when y'all see it lol#spot q#gonna go draw wizards or smth
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There鈥檚 nothing quite like getting a wedding invitation from the guy you used to have a crush on in high school
#Hmm. Feels awful!!#Me to me: Maybe. I'm not quite over this.#IDK IT FEELS WEIRD MAN. I'm very happy for him. But also kinda bummed at the same time.#I think I'm more just dreading showing up and being like aha yeah! Here I am!#I haven't changed at all since we last spoke! Not at all!!#Nothing new or exciting going on with me ever. No accomplishments. No partner I can brag about. NOTHIN#Hey anybody wanna show up as my fake date. Fake dating to lovers AU /j#Idk it just feels wrong to keep hearing from my friends in high school who are all getting married and having kids#Meanwhile me. Who has never dated anybody ever. And has nothing to show from the past five years:#SORRY I'M JUST HAVING A MID-LIFE CRISIS I GUESS. AT THE RIPE OLD AGE OF 26.#Me: I've been dealing with my anxiety and depression on the daily for years now and yeah that's it how are you#My friends: I got my dream job and I'm marrying the love of my life and I'm going to buy a house soon!!#I WANT TO CRAWL INTO A HOLE. AND DIE. YEAH. THAT SOUNDS GOOD#Sorry I need to sit here and feel pathetic and hate myself for a second. Then I'll get overe it#*over#Shima speaks#Maybe I can lie and say I've been backpacking through Europe for the last five months. LMAO
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im so FUCKING anxious dude
#speaking#i hate starting new jobs bc they always make me like ''wow this is the worst ive felt in a while!'' and its just bc im doing something new#i feel like dogshit tho i got so fucking scared over nothing like an hour ago and i get to just#feel like im being hunted for sport for the last hour of my shift#i hope i combust and take the stupid cookies down with me#texting my old coworker to say when they fix the ice machine in the employee breakroom i'll go back to the zoo lmao (<-joke)
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hate to say it but july kinda sucked
#please let me whine and list all the things that have troubled me this month#first off having to get serious about my master thesis and everything taking so much longer than I want it to (the anxiety. wow)#and mentally preparing to tackle two jobs AND finishing the thesis all at once soon (how......am I gonna do that)#well then ofc my car breaking down and having to spend my last savings on a new one#generally having to spend a shit load of money. all my money. gone within 2 months#wanting to have a big birthday party so badly only for it to get so stressful and Too Much for my introverted perfectionist ass#that I was the first and only one to feel (physically and mentally) sick about four hours in and had to leave my guests on their own#the usual old struggles flaring up again (as in too high expectations towards everything and everyone and myself that leave me disappointed#and on a more irrelevant note lmao: being one of the few people who doesn鈥檛 seem to have enjoyed barbenheimer that much?#same for jk鈥檚 solo and everything around it it's just not really for me#and thus feeling a little distanced from the fandom and from creating lately...I'll try again this weekend though I'll try#and last but not least my skin is being SO bad again rn that I just want to rip it off my whole body!!!!!!!#yeah! not at all how I wanted july to go! anyways august in a few days let鈥檚 move on and hope for the best#SORRY for being negative on here again. there were also nice things. like awi and al and all my other friends.#and birthday gifts and messages. <33
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whyyyy does nobody ever come back to this group fjdkdl they show up once for a first time and then never return !!! its kind of crushing bc some ppl I've been like... excited at the prospect of seeing them again and then they just never show up ever again :')
and I didn't even get to draw anything good while sitting there !!! AUGH
#bleaseeee come back shfkdl im the only person that goes every week !!!#theres one other person who occasionally shows up but fjdkdl otherwise its just me#and then new ppl every time#and i cannot help but feel like im doing smth wrong and making them not want to return fhfkdl#i even get ppl to talk in the latter half once I've figured their vibe out and they seem genuinely happy to engage w convos#i somehow land on a topic we all enjoy and then we have a fun convo#and im very careful to not talk too much or too little djfkdl i am constantly adjusting to make sure I'm matching whats needed#i kind of have conversations irl down to a science dhdksl its ridiculous honestly but. it is what's gotten me thru life lmao#and I've been told countless times how good i am at connecting w ppl and making ppl feel comfortable#so im just like. what am i doing wrong !! how do i make this group enjoyable so ppl will come back !!#i know it's not my job lol im just an attendee and not a leader but i feel like i Have To if i want ppl to return#idk i just. god. there were cool ppl last week and this week it was some other new person who seemed like she did not want to be there#and i doubt I'll ever see those cool ppl last week ever again#i just want to cry a little bit sbdjdkl today was such a waste of time except for the fact i was able to get out of this hell house fhfkdl#i will just keep hoping that someone actually enjoys it enough to return i guess but this is getting a bit crushing to have happen so much#but... at least i am getting to talk to ppl face to face outside of my mother every week i suppose#vent //#dandy.cmd
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Trying to make my brain do anything today has just been case after case of 'well, half-assed is better than nothing I guess.'
#text post#idk why i have such bad post-survey mental dips every time but I always do#literally last night before end of my shift was like okay brain. it's ok that we aren't working after this. this is fine.#there's another survey in two weeks (for ONCE they told us in advance) and in the in between other things I can do to keep making some mone#and I felt really confident abt that at that point! wish that confidence hadn't been so misplaced bc I did in fact spiral#was actually exhausted enough to just eat shower and sleep after work but the shower was just a big spiral w/crying and scrubbing lmao#whatever. did a mini vid in the new outfit i have for the side job and will do dishes tonight#plus I'll get my shot done bc that's a day late now too#prolific and cloud i got a bit done too and i'll keep checking those thru the night#i actually wanna play gta for a bit & try it with the controller but i feel guilty every time i so much as look at steam so. we'll see#i just need to do something else useful today bc tomorrow will be a full filming day most likely so. gotta make today useful too#I know it must sound like im not really trying to work with my brain on this but i shit u not#this is my brain when im actively employing coping skills and other things to try and counteract the 'work or die' mindset#i dont know how to make it any better and at this point I don't think I can#this was baked into me as a kid lmao bc even playing needed to have a point/story/some goal to achieve#or why the fuck was i playing with my barbies or metal toy cars or dinosaur and horse figurines to begin with#im rambling to put off doing the dishes ignore me lmao
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Okay, mapped out my credit card nonsense and. it's a steep climb but it's definitely possible
#maybe I'll actually get through all my books before i buy a new one lmao#aiming to move forward with the etsy and comms will also help me be at ease but it's also like#there's not a whole lot of reach there and not a lot of promise with those rn U_U i have to try though#it sucks to want to do this for the money but when i feel more financially stable it will definitely be for the fun of it#thank GOD there's a discount grocery store near me and that i only need gas once a month bc im so close to my job#I'm gonna be okay.. it's gonna take time and that's the excruciating part but i can make this work#i am smart and capable and i can do this. i can do this. i WILL do this#shai speaks
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My new dream job is to voice a One Piece character's goofy ass laugh. I don't want any actual dialogue I just wanna kereshishishi and shirorororo into a mic
#theres been many a goofy laugh bot caesar clown's is getting to me lmao#wit studio hire me for this job i'll do so well for your new anime <3#one piece#punk hazard#op liveblog
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life is not worth living if I can't make art
#don't worry I'm safe im just quitting my job lmao#it's kept me too tired to actually do things I love so it's gettin the boot#hopefully I'll crush it at awesome con#and that'll help until I get a new less demanding job
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