#i'll delete all the other ones later
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
dazzelmethat · 5 months ago
Text
Tumblr media
Long time no Bud. Wow the last time I made her a ref was 2018. I experimented some with her pallet. Unsure if I like the profile head but oh well, open mouthed anime inspired profile faces are notoriously hard for a reason.
Sigh. What am I going to do with her.. my writing conundrum workshopping in tags. My tag rant mentions plot related suicide and ableism (in relation to the zombie trope).
#my art#my ocs#ft the irises#tw suicide#tw ableism#sh e the yello one. can you tell she's thematically yellow?#as i don't care about 'spoilers' anymore because i'm doubtful i'll ever get to finish my writing stuff i'll just dump my writing hangup her#i think she's probably about 18 here (physically)#beware the in the tags plot includes suicide and ableism (in relation to the zombie trope)#Bud's voice specifically is tricky.. as Vera (the ghost) left her body (bud) when she was 10.#And vera took all knowledge (memories and words and thoughts) with her when she left.#and bud had to start mentally from scratch after rising from the dead. thus being interpreted as a 'zombie' sort of monster#Vera hatess Bud as hate of the self/ hate of the physical/ hate of the unintelligent (vera is in the wrong here. but she's complicated)#((lol can you tell why vera named herself that haha))#i want her to prompt characters/people to reininvestigate how they think of 'brainless zombie' tropes in relation to ableism but--#but i am doubtful of my writing ability and should probably change what i have going on to something less risky#originally when i was 12 and i first made them all bud was purely a chaotic antagonist. and i have def moved past that#12 yr old me expressing my suicidal idealization by having Vera absolutely hate her old body#and bud (formerly xqi for askew iris in middle/high school) being the body that was rightfully thrown away#but now that i'm past that all.. i need to make bud a character that can actually take up just as much importance as the other 3 irises#do i have the writing skills to do that? who knows.. Bud isn't even a 'main character' the way vera is. should i still try?#even if i never wind up trying and this conundrum stops me forever.. at least these blorbos can live in my head u_u#might delete the tag rant later if i feel self conscious enough about it :/#shrugs profusely#any suggestions are welcome. join me in untangling this gordion knot if u want ashdfhasdfjldf
9 notes · View notes
inquisitor-julia · 7 months ago
Text
Painting my nails purple bc of da:v? More likely than you think
7 notes · View notes
my-beloved-lakes · 1 year ago
Text
I see a lot of people I knew from school posting pictures on their social medias with all their friends doing various fun things together. Meanwhile, I'm sitting at home wishing I could take a group photo with all my Tumblr mutuals to post so I can brag about having the best friends.
24 notes · View notes
seekingthestars · 3 months ago
Text
we're doing these workshop things to try to address some of the equity/workflow/workload problems in our department and our facilitator wants everyone to email her "the problem [we'd] like to solve in [our] large team" and how do i politely say i just want people to do their fucking jobs
4 notes · View notes
jacksintention · 2 years ago
Text
Tumblr media
Still unwell about Rilke and PH
I love the dark hours of my being.
My mind deepens into them.
There I can find, as in old letters,
the days of my life, already lived,
and held like a legend, and understood.
Then the knowing comes: I can open
to another life that's wide and timeless.
So I am sometimes like a tree
rustling over a gravesite
and making real the dream
of the one its living roots
embrace:
a dream once lost
among sorrows and songs.
#There's in Rilke and especially in this particular book a lot about the world‚ created in the beholding and loving it‚#and one existing to love the world. There's so much about the world being created by that loving and knowing the world of one individual#person that loves and knows it. A kind of feedback loop of existing and being by love and knowledge that is all a participation#on the act of creation. The person coming to exist to love and know the world‚ and creating the world by loving and beholding it#This is also present on Juan Ramón Jiménez‚ among others‚ but 5 yo me was obsessed with those poems. ANYWAY#This topic made me think of Lacie a lot but in this particular poem that topic + the 'I'm sorry' scene + the figure of Lacie beyond Lacie‚#a Lacie that's legend and real‚ a Lacie always sitting under a tree‚ life ending and life expanding so to speak‚...#That kind of knowing it all in a glimpse that is knowing in an instant and eternal (which again reminds me of Kierkegaard‚#fitting I'd say with Rilke). I'm explaining myself terribly but I don't want to talk too much haha But yeah it all seemed very fitting#There was another poem about spiralling so to speak around god that I also thought was very Lacie but very PH in general#('I live my life in widening circles / that reach out across the world. / I may not complete this last one / but I give myself to it /#I circle around God‚ around the primordial tower. / I've been circling for thousands of years / and I still don't know: am I a falcon‚ /#a storm or a great song?'). The spiralling around god in what is still some sort of emanence or reflection of it while being also#different iterations of the self which all reflect it also reminded me a lot of Cantor's transfinite numbers#Which again is quite fitting and coherent with the other authors and PH imo‚ but I may be biased. Anyway yes. This reminded me of Lacie#I didn't plan on drawing anything at first and now I have to flinch to read the poem#I hope I'll recognise enough of what I've written when I eventually come back to this#I talk too much#I should probably delete this later#mine*
22 notes · View notes
nobodybetterlookatme · 6 months ago
Text
I've been working more events lately and I keep getting paired with one specific medic and some of my other coworkers told me that it's bc he's an asshole and everyone else hates working with him and apparently all his attempts at being a jerk to me have flown right over my head and I've therefore had no complaints so that's why my supervisor keeps partnering us up 😂😭
#not snz#the way i was devastated too i was like 'wym he hates me i thought we were vibing'#one of the other medics says that he 'begrudgingly tolerates' me and honestly I'll take that#i don't work much tho like my sup calls me in maybe once or twice a month#which is great for me and i can say no#but when i do show up apparently the other emts are super happy#i just think it's funny that I've really just been like :3 whilst this man is trying his damnedest to bully me apparently#straight up vibing in the golf cart and this guy is seething lmao#i think I'm just used to how we talk to each other at the fire station so I'm just unfazed#but imagine how bewildered this dude must be#spends the better part of the shift trying to be an asshole for no reason to his coworker#just for said coworker to not even remotely understand that he's trying to be mean#also i bring food every shift bc if nothing else i was taught to feed the medics I'm work with#also i like feeding my coworkers#maybe that's why he tolerates me lmao#anyway I'm having a good time at all my various works lmao#especially my fire station bc most of our crews are out on fires#so I've been going in more to staff the place bc basically nobody is there rn#and I'm one of the most senior people who's not out on a fire#so if they send me out that means I'm in charge of a crew and idk how i feel about that#so hopefully it doesn't come to that but it's fun vibing at the station with the guys#anyway I'll delete this later this is just my work adventures lmao#partner posting
6 notes · View notes
thatsleepymermaid · 8 months ago
Text
Not feeling well again tonight. I was in so much pain after being on the boat today. I must have turned gray and sickly too because my supervisor was incredibly worried about my health.
I hate talking about this and I hate bringing it up to my supervisors. I've been dismissed before from opportunities because of the pain and received bad performance reviews simply because I don't "take initiative" (In too much pain to do extra).
She's letting me have the day off tomorrow. I'm grateful, but I feel like I'm falling behind my peers. I see friends and acquaintances going on with their lives and I just feel... stuck.
I got accepted into an amazing master's program from UMiami but I deferred because I feel too sick. It's not just the pain, it's the feathers at the edge of my vision and the weird spasms as well. Even if I managed to land a job with good healthcare or my dream grad school, how am I going to keep it if I'm sick and in pain all the time?
There's something bigger going on here and I want to know what. But ever since this all happened I seem to have lost my trust in human doctors and managed to convince myself that I'm a hypochondriac.
2 notes · View notes
bossladytae · 10 months ago
Text
~
2 notes · View notes
musical-chick-13 · 1 year ago
Text
.
#will probably delete this later but I needed to get it out somewhere#like I am so goddamn lonely. and it is making me feel LITERALLY as if I'm about to descend into genuine madness#but the PROBLEM is that. in order to not be lonely. you need to find other people. and you need to have reason to believe that those#people will keep wanting and making an effort to communicate with you#and the thing is THE THING. IS. that you cannot control what people do or feel. I have no say in what people think of me.#I have to rely on other people to build new relationships. and that is just not. something that I can do.#it's not something that makes SENSE for me to do anymore. so I try to figure out how to just not want human connection at all#you know maybe if I intentionally isolate myself or grow my cynicism on a regular basis I'll get desensitized to the point#where that's just genuinely not something I want anymore. so then I'm not lonely but I also didn't have to rely on anyone else being#trustworthy and accepting and willing to care about me to get to that point#but. I mean maybe some people can do the denial thing but I can't. I've been trying for years. and that carved-out-hole in my chest#hasn't gotten any better. it hasn't filled up or healed over or gone away. it's just gotten bigger.#but if you're genuinely convinced that you're just built in a way where no one is ever going to really love you...what the fuck do you do?#if connecting with other people is something I want but it's (in my probably-biased estimation) completely inaccessible because I am#an inherently shameful and unpleasant person just by virtue of existing...then I'm just stuck at an impasse. and I'll always be crying#over something I can't logically ever have. why bother pursuing it if I am just going to be rejected or hurt or disparaged or tossed out or#neglected or sidelined or any number of bad outcomes? if that's how pursuing any kind of new interpersonal relationships is going to end#then why bother? the only thing to do would be to learn how to be completely unreliant on other people in any way forever right?#but THAT'S not logistically feasible EITHER and I've already proven that I can't fucking do that so what's left? just always be miserable?#I DON'T WANT TO RESIGN MYSELF TO THAT!!!!#sorry. it's. getting to be late december & around the new year is when it always gets Bad™ so we're just. gonna be like this for a few week#In the Vents#ugh all of this would be better if I still lived near Best Friend™#anyone who gets to live near/with their Person™ PLEASE know how lucky you are and don't take that for granted
3 notes · View notes
somelazyassartist · 2 years ago
Text
Why does Emma Frost consistently have such difficult to work with fashion choices. Girl help I need to fucking sew this outfit and I only have so much clothing tape you are going to be the death of me (/lighthearted /not mad)
9 notes · View notes
dandyshucks-moving · 1 year ago
Text
Tumblr media Tumblr media
woah rare other system part sighting lmao, here's a Guz drawn by not-Juno
#I was working with the base they laid out so I had to fudge some shit because they'd laid out the neck and shoulder weirdly RIP#like the head is too far over to the right lmao but I didn't feel like erasing a bunch of it to fix that#the hand behind the wrestling box corner thing is also goofed lmao#turning rbs off but Juno (Dandy is vaguely a cross-system name so it feels weird calling them that) might post the art later better#I don't know how they edit their photos but I think I maybe got close lol#this guys fun to draw tbh love a rough n tumble boy lol he's got the same body type as one of my OCs except Stasis is mostly a robot LMAO#dandyshucks#dandy doodlebugs#<- I'll add these just in case ig ?? idk Juno do what u want with this even if it means deleting it lol hope this is fine for me to post#ALSO THIS WONT BE A REGULAR OCCURRENCE LMAO I was just super bored tonight and happened to switch in during Juno drawing this guy#probably won't ever happen again lol#our drawing styles arent super different I think but also this is using a base they laid out so I would've done it differently lmao#maybe it is different though - apparently I'm not a good judge of shit like this bc they say I write and play accordion differently somehow#but I thought I was doing a pretty good job the other day of doing it like they do lmaooo but nah they said it was all noticeably different#I'm chatty tonight sorry lol been a hot minute since I've had any time in front but I'll scoot off now#💜so good at being in trouble
5 notes · View notes
cerbreus · 2 years ago
Text
Tumblr media
my day so far
10 notes · View notes
royalphantompain · 2 years ago
Text
Ugggh.
2 notes · View notes
ppulverse · 17 hours ago
Text
thinking
#rant cw#🌙.txt#delete later#i had this online friend when i was like 14 and she was 2 years younger than me and we were really close for a long time#we kept in touch until i was about 19 i think and i don't remember how we drifted apart but we did#we still follow each other on insta though and we're still on each other's close friends list etc#and she has contacted me a few times to say she saw something that reminded her of me and she missed me#but i could never really hold a conversation with her#but like. when the flood happened last may i lost both of my journals and all of the letters i kept (including my ex's and my mom's)#EXCEPT for the letter this friend sent me for my 16th birthday#bc i had put it somewhere else and forgot to take it out and put it in my drawer with the other stuff#so i still have that letter bc it's the only one that was saved#and then last night i had this very... realistic (?) dream about her where she came down to my state and we spent the whole day hanging out#and it was so fun??#and it's been in my mind all day and i can't stop thinking about it 😭 so i feel like maybe i should dm her or something#but i'm kinda putting it off bc i'm not really in a talking mood this week and i feel like if i try to dm her i'll end up ghosting her 🙃#but idk. to be honest i feel kind of uncomfortable talking to her#mostly bc i feel embarrassed by how little my life has changed in the past 10 years#while she graduated got a decent job led a decent life and has been in an apparently good relationship for a long time now#she's just so well put together and i'm still the same 19 year old idiot except i'm 10 years older now#i mean for fuck's sake just yesterday i spent hours listening to songs i loved when i was a teenager as a way to escape the present lmaooo#and i know i can't truly know much about someone's life based on their instagram posts#but i can still see she's much better and more mature than me 💀#anyway. maybe i'll tell her about the dream and the letter when i feel like i'm in a better mood to try and keep a conversation going
1 note · View note
steampoweredskeleton · 1 month ago
Text
.
Ignore
#delete later#as awful as the past couple of weeks have been in terms of intrusive thoughts and random waves of panic and intense emotions and#blankness. there have also been random patches that have been. okay. and that is how i know my medication is working#bc the times ive been like this and not medicated? there has been no reprieve#like although i feel. awful and useless and am internalising my work failures in a non helpful way that im trying to fight#i am having moments of#hey we're okay. they raised an issue in a way that was gentle bc youre a good employee usually. and honestly although you#feel terrible for fucking up. someone you care about very much died a month ago. you have been experiencing a mental health#almost crisis (i refuse to call it a full crisis bc im not self destructing really badly) and quite frankly the fact that you're functioning#at all is. pretty decent. youre trying. i am of course having moments where im convinced that they hate me and want to fire me immediately#but that has no evidence. and the fact that i know it has no evidence is a pretty insane piece of progress#shout out to my therapist from two courses ago who drilled the moral shit into my head.#she genuinly helped me a lot with this.#also was really really hoping for the usual christmas bonus this year bc my finances are tighter than usual but the company had a#lean year so no bonuses for anyone. so dont have the leeway to try out sliding scale therapy for a while. but it is what it is.#this will pass. its just been a rough four months and i havent had a break. ive also been waiting fir thr other shoe to drop at work#and it finally has so i can at least stop torturing myself over maybes. im getting my meds. i can refer myself to nhs depression#therapy. which will be mostly useless and the same as it always is but it tends to help me feel like im trying to progress which is still#helpful in some small way. it will be what it will be. one day at a time and all that jazz#this is also how these things go for me. i lose it slowly over a month or so. have a horrific couple weeks until a day of a genuine#full breakdown. i survive that day and the day after and then slowly start clawing myself up again. ive just had a few breakdown#days this time. what can ya do. is what it is. im sure I'll have another breakdown soon as i can tell im not done crying#and will almost certainly have a breakdown at my parents bc i am not good at hiding the dead eyed look and mum will#definitely clock im being weirder than usual with food and touching things. so there'll be a#anyway nevermind. ill do what i must
0 notes
dinosaurcharcuterie · 2 months ago
Text
Our company "completely reworked" the guidelines for trans health insurance claims. It's now "fully up to date with modern standards" and designed to "minimize litigation" and "complaints of inhumane and confusing assessment criteria".
Only the first paragraph of the page has been rewritten, the rest has been shoddily and half heartedly reworked into complete gibberish along the lines of:
Assessments are now mandatory for every new procedure, except every assessment should cover all possible future therapies and only one assessment should ever be performed.
Nonbinary people can't be treated for dysphoria because there's no gender roles for them to fulfill until a statistically significant number of babies are assigned nonbinary at birth and those babies grow up.
HRT can only be started after 12 months' positive response to HRT.
All feminizing HRT effects are final and complete within 3-6 months. Masculinizing HRT has no effects worth mentioning.
Speech therapy is a highly specialized procedure and the treating surgeon must be carefully vetted before approval.
Top surgery for trans men is not mentioned. Top surgery for trans women is medically urgently necessary--but only to cup size A.
Before bottom surgery is approved, we need a medical confirmation it will benefit professionally benefit the current career of the patient who is, statistically, a teacher, priest or underage child.
If it's a surgery from an urban myth and/or bigoted fever dream and even Wikipedia can't find a reliable instance of it being successfully performed in a reputable medical institution, we will consider covering it. Everything else is frivolous and cosmetic.
The word "transgender" is never used and still redirects to a page for HIV prophylaxis if searched in the database.
Over two dozen assessment doctors have expressly refused to do any further confirmations of gender dysphoria (or, possibly, put up with this BS) for insurance reasons. Of the five we have left nationwide, only one sees kids as well as adults. Incidentally, it's the only one trans people will willingly visit. Three others don't answer their phone. Two of those have complaints of not updating their professional knowledge on treating trans people to modern standards... going back at least 15 years.
All cases, for statistical purposes, must be sent in copy to the person who was screaming there was no new law coming as late as the last week of October. They're on the cutting edge when it comes to these matters.
No one is responsible for maintaining this information page but feedback is welcomed and will be sent to the people who maintain the page.
So yeah, no way this will get us any complaints or legal action from... At least two different angles I can think of without "getting political". In other news, for some mysterious reason, several managers have taken to telling the people they're in charge of to ignore any guideline pages that don't make sense. Something about "for God's sake, just make a reasonably intelligent assessment and let me sign off on it before I have to pretend it makes any sense to a client on the phone" and cost factors.
All above my pay grade, I'm afraid. My manager wants me to go the reasonably intelligent route, he decides if I get a raise, so I'm gonna listen to him.
0 notes