#i'll delete all the other ones later
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Long time no Bud. Wow the last time I made her a ref was 2018. I experimented some with her pallet. Unsure if I like the profile head but oh well, open mouthed anime inspired profile faces are notoriously hard for a reason.
Sigh. What am I going to do with her.. my writing conundrum workshopping in tags. My tag rant mentions plot related suicide and ableism (in relation to the zombie trope).
#my art#my ocs#ft the irises#tw suicide#tw ableism#sh e the yello one. can you tell she's thematically yellow?#as i don't care about 'spoilers' anymore because i'm doubtful i'll ever get to finish my writing stuff i'll just dump my writing hangup her#i think she's probably about 18 here (physically)#beware the in the tags plot includes suicide and ableism (in relation to the zombie trope)#Bud's voice specifically is tricky.. as Vera (the ghost) left her body (bud) when she was 10.#And vera took all knowledge (memories and words and thoughts) with her when she left.#and bud had to start mentally from scratch after rising from the dead. thus being interpreted as a 'zombie' sort of monster#Vera hatess Bud as hate of the self/ hate of the physical/ hate of the unintelligent (vera is in the wrong here. but she's complicated)#((lol can you tell why vera named herself that haha))#i want her to prompt characters/people to reininvestigate how they think of 'brainless zombie' tropes in relation to ableism but--#but i am doubtful of my writing ability and should probably change what i have going on to something less risky#originally when i was 12 and i first made them all bud was purely a chaotic antagonist. and i have def moved past that#12 yr old me expressing my suicidal idealization by having Vera absolutely hate her old body#and bud (formerly xqi for askew iris in middle/high school) being the body that was rightfully thrown away#but now that i'm past that all.. i need to make bud a character that can actually take up just as much importance as the other 3 irises#do i have the writing skills to do that? who knows.. Bud isn't even a 'main character' the way vera is. should i still try?#even if i never wind up trying and this conundrum stops me forever.. at least these blorbos can live in my head u_u#might delete the tag rant later if i feel self conscious enough about it :/#shrugs profusely#any suggestions are welcome. join me in untangling this gordion knot if u want ashdfhasdfjldf
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Painting my nails purple bc of da:v? More likely than you think
#well ok i got one hand done and now i'm tired so i'll do the other tomorrow#it's past midnight and i don't have the patience to wait on the paint to dry before i pass out#but it's all purple vibes til fall!!!#jules speaks#text post#literally sitting here listening to the da:i menu screen bc i'm too tired to play but i don't want to sleep yet#while having half my nails painted lmao#personal#delete later
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I see a lot of people I knew from school posting pictures on their social medias with all their friends doing various fun things together. Meanwhile, I'm sitting at home wishing I could take a group photo with all my Tumblr mutuals to post so I can brag about having the best friends.
#too much of my social life is based on Tumblr but i really don't get out much since I don't have a job and i made like 1 friend in school#so i don't really know anyone to hangout with other than my siblings and my one friend#and i don't go out much exept for occasionally to the library or the store so i don't get the chance to meet new people#i used to have all 5 of my sisters at home and that was all the company i needed#but now they've all moved out except for my younger sister and im realizing that im very deeply lonely#i need to get a social life! but how!#Also i think this is part of the reason I jumped into things too quickly with my ex gf now my best friend#like I was so excited that i had found someone who was just as interested in being friends with me as i was with her#that i misstook my feelings for her as romantic ones cuz i was so lonely and she was such a good friend#and i was so scared to tell her cuz I didn't want to ruin our relationship. it didn't. we're still besties.#but i think im so lonely idk if I'll be able to know the difference between platonic and romantic feelings#and part of that definitely comes from being ace as well#anyways there's my tangent for the night about why I need a better social life and maybe a bit of therapy too#haha that got super personal oops 😬#might delete these tags later
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we're doing these workshop things to try to address some of the equity/workflow/workload problems in our department and our facilitator wants everyone to email her "the problem [we'd] like to solve in [our] large team" and how do i politely say i just want people to do their fucking jobs
#personal#i'm fed UP i'm FED UPPPPPP#with this one particular coworker rn#but there are several who are guilty of this shit#but this one guy#asked me to get a spanish version of a doc reprinted#i told him it hadn't been updated and to pull over the list of changes into that task (which he should have already done)#he just goes 'can't we send it to our usual translator?'#me: yes but i NEED A LIST OF THE CHANGES. you can just HIGHLIGHT THEM IN THE PDF. just DO YOUR JOB and GIVE ME THE CHANGES#he gives me a highlighted pdf and i'm looking at it before i send it for translation#AND HE USED THE WRONG FREAKING PDF#IT'S NOT THE MOST RECENT VERSION#IT'S NOT THE CORRECT DOC WITH THE MOST UPDATED COPY#the correct doc is IN OUR PROJECT MANAGEMENT SOFTWARE.#i deleted the incorrect version when i added the correct one so I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE HE PULLED THE INCORRECT ONE FROM#i want to scream#i'm SICK and TIRED of him doing the BARE MINIMUM and then DOING IT WRONG#EVERY SINGLE TIME#it's not MY job to make sure he does HIS job correctly. or AT ALL. oh my GOD i'm sick of it#(i made the changes in the english ver. so i know what's needed. it's like four minor things total.)#(i could absolutely do this myself and it would've been done already. but i'm trying to get him to DO HIS JOB.)#(instead of me just DOING HIS JOB FOR HIM every time bc then he'll never learn)#(but i am so FED UP WITH THIS. i have other shit to do.)#anyway i'm feeling ragey right now i'll delete this later probably
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Still unwell about Rilke and PH
I love the dark hours of my being.
My mind deepens into them.
There I can find, as in old letters,
the days of my life, already lived,
and held like a legend, and understood.
Then the knowing comes: I can open
to another life that's wide and timeless.
So I am sometimes like a tree
rustling over a gravesite
and making real the dream
of the one its living roots
embrace:
a dream once lost
among sorrows and songs.
#There's in Rilke and especially in this particular book a lot about the world‚ created in the beholding and loving it‚#and one existing to love the world. There's so much about the world being created by that loving and knowing the world of one individual#person that loves and knows it. A kind of feedback loop of existing and being by love and knowledge that is all a participation#on the act of creation. The person coming to exist to love and know the world‚ and creating the world by loving and beholding it#This is also present on Juan Ramón Jiménez‚ among others‚ but 5 yo me was obsessed with those poems. ANYWAY#This topic made me think of Lacie a lot but in this particular poem that topic + the 'I'm sorry' scene + the figure of Lacie beyond Lacie‚#a Lacie that's legend and real‚ a Lacie always sitting under a tree‚ life ending and life expanding so to speak‚...#That kind of knowing it all in a glimpse that is knowing in an instant and eternal (which again reminds me of Kierkegaard‚#fitting I'd say with Rilke). I'm explaining myself terribly but I don't want to talk too much haha But yeah it all seemed very fitting#There was another poem about spiralling so to speak around god that I also thought was very Lacie but very PH in general#('I live my life in widening circles / that reach out across the world. / I may not complete this last one / but I give myself to it /#I circle around God‚ around the primordial tower. / I've been circling for thousands of years / and I still don't know: am I a falcon‚ /#a storm or a great song?'). The spiralling around god in what is still some sort of emanence or reflection of it while being also#different iterations of the self which all reflect it also reminded me a lot of Cantor's transfinite numbers#Which again is quite fitting and coherent with the other authors and PH imo‚ but I may be biased. Anyway yes. This reminded me of Lacie#I didn't plan on drawing anything at first and now I have to flinch to read the poem#I hope I'll recognise enough of what I've written when I eventually come back to this#I talk too much#I should probably delete this later#mine*
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I've been working more events lately and I keep getting paired with one specific medic and some of my other coworkers told me that it's bc he's an asshole and everyone else hates working with him and apparently all his attempts at being a jerk to me have flown right over my head and I've therefore had no complaints so that's why my supervisor keeps partnering us up 😂😭
#not snz#the way i was devastated too i was like 'wym he hates me i thought we were vibing'#one of the other medics says that he 'begrudgingly tolerates' me and honestly I'll take that#i don't work much tho like my sup calls me in maybe once or twice a month#which is great for me and i can say no#but when i do show up apparently the other emts are super happy#i just think it's funny that I've really just been like :3 whilst this man is trying his damnedest to bully me apparently#straight up vibing in the golf cart and this guy is seething lmao#i think I'm just used to how we talk to each other at the fire station so I'm just unfazed#but imagine how bewildered this dude must be#spends the better part of the shift trying to be an asshole for no reason to his coworker#just for said coworker to not even remotely understand that he's trying to be mean#also i bring food every shift bc if nothing else i was taught to feed the medics I'm work with#also i like feeding my coworkers#maybe that's why he tolerates me lmao#anyway I'm having a good time at all my various works lmao#especially my fire station bc most of our crews are out on fires#so I've been going in more to staff the place bc basically nobody is there rn#and I'm one of the most senior people who's not out on a fire#so if they send me out that means I'm in charge of a crew and idk how i feel about that#so hopefully it doesn't come to that but it's fun vibing at the station with the guys#anyway I'll delete this later this is just my work adventures lmao#partner posting
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Not feeling well again tonight. I was in so much pain after being on the boat today. I must have turned gray and sickly too because my supervisor was incredibly worried about my health.
I hate talking about this and I hate bringing it up to my supervisors. I've been dismissed before from opportunities because of the pain and received bad performance reviews simply because I don't "take initiative" (In too much pain to do extra).
She's letting me have the day off tomorrow. I'm grateful, but I feel like I'm falling behind my peers. I see friends and acquaintances going on with their lives and I just feel... stuck.
I got accepted into an amazing master's program from UMiami but I deferred because I feel too sick. It's not just the pain, it's the feathers at the edge of my vision and the weird spasms as well. Even if I managed to land a job with good healthcare or my dream grad school, how am I going to keep it if I'm sick and in pain all the time?
There's something bigger going on here and I want to know what. But ever since this all happened I seem to have lost my trust in human doctors and managed to convince myself that I'm a hypochondriac.
#ow..#i miss my pre-2019 self#i only had mild arthritis#not whatever this is#one weird illness is all it took#my endo is acting up because it's my time of the month#which only happens every three months#but it's still bad#the excision surgery did make me feel better#for like five months#but i feel like I'm back at square one this time#I'm feeling hopeless#I don't want more wrong with me#i changed from medicine to science because of the EDS#but now the other thing is making it difficult to finish field work#am i doomed to a life of paperwork?#it feels like my body is dying around me#nobody is going to hire me like this#I can barely walk#i need to take a full week off every three months#and sometimes I have to chose between making dinner or going to work#I'm doomed#i'll probably delete this later#endometriosis#elhers danlos syndrome
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wip for scene one of my good song never dies parts
it's a little rough at the moment but I wanted to show the little head bop because I like animating bops (??)
little ramblings in the tags below
#decided to take the chance to finally use krita#it was a small learning curve at first and I had edited around some keybinds to be more like how I use medibang#but! I'm liking it so far!#it's crashed a couple times though#though I'm not sure if the version I have is the most recent or if something else is causing it#either way I'm making sure to save more often just in case#this is scene one out of five btw#though the others are mainly backgrounds so I wanted to go a little more animatey on the scug movements!#maybe delete this later when I have the full sketch done#I unno I'll probably forget#wip#my art#motivation for anything is running a little low but I'll pull through I think#but ough I need to make some stuff more fluent like the fluff size and eye movements#all in due time
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~
#will delete later;#i had to lol when one of my old meta posts popped up in my activity feed#it was one on oboro and shouyou/utsuro#i can't remember my thoughts at the time to where i was thinking 'what the heck is all this' while rereading my own meta lol#it's been so long since i indulged in writing meta posts#i don't write or read them anymore for two reasons:#1) i'm not in the mindset anymore to where i used to recall every single detail and could find things again quickly#and 2) long-time gintama fans have Been There Done That with everything including meta#all the 'am i the only one' type of posts -- no you aren't; i guarantee it's been thought of and expressed before#even the same old 'arguments' about how certain gintaladies' characters aren't 'relevant' will pop up in new form#all i intend to do is enjoy gintama for as long as i can#i've paid my dues and made my contributions; i'm more into writing fanfic or supporting/commissioning fanart for gintama these days#i will always love gintama even if the intensity of those feelings has changed since the ending#i don't regret loving this series for 18 years and counting#i'm sure some of my other meta posts are still kicking about or still on private#if i can remember half of what i was thinking when i wrote some of them i'll be glad lol#it's fine for newer fans to continue analyzing; it was fun when we did it too#but i will stay retired
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Why does Emma Frost consistently have such difficult to work with fashion choices. Girl help I need to fucking sew this outfit and I only have so much clothing tape you are going to be the death of me (/lighthearted /not mad)
#I'm going as Emma to a con wayyyyyyyy later in the year but i want to get a headstart on preparing#but like. girl#why do you wear what you wear how you wear it#it does not make for an easy time finding/making sewing patterns (or even saying fuck it and just buying it cuz people don't make those)#i mean like. i can find things that are KINDA similar but they are like. very very noticably Not The Outfit#the closest pattern i have would fit the Peach Momoko ballgown cover but that would be so expensive to get all the fabric for#i guess the easiest would be like. the semi-recent sorta-medieval type dress?? but that's not the one my gf likes best so i don't want to#cuz she's more familiar with Emma Frost than i am and i wanna do it right for her#I LIKE THE OTHER OUTFITS I PROMISE but. they are very much Comic Outfits and i am struggling to adapt them to real life#I'll figure it out and I'll probably delete this soon I'm just airing out a bit of frustration while sorting through patterns lol#I'll get it done one way or another! just might have to figure out how to make my own patterns for some of this lmao
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.
#will probably delete this later but I needed to get it out somewhere#like I am so goddamn lonely. and it is making me feel LITERALLY as if I'm about to descend into genuine madness#but the PROBLEM is that. in order to not be lonely. you need to find other people. and you need to have reason to believe that those#people will keep wanting and making an effort to communicate with you#and the thing is THE THING. IS. that you cannot control what people do or feel. I have no say in what people think of me.#I have to rely on other people to build new relationships. and that is just not. something that I can do.#it's not something that makes SENSE for me to do anymore. so I try to figure out how to just not want human connection at all#you know maybe if I intentionally isolate myself or grow my cynicism on a regular basis I'll get desensitized to the point#where that's just genuinely not something I want anymore. so then I'm not lonely but I also didn't have to rely on anyone else being#trustworthy and accepting and willing to care about me to get to that point#but. I mean maybe some people can do the denial thing but I can't. I've been trying for years. and that carved-out-hole in my chest#hasn't gotten any better. it hasn't filled up or healed over or gone away. it's just gotten bigger.#but if you're genuinely convinced that you're just built in a way where no one is ever going to really love you...what the fuck do you do?#if connecting with other people is something I want but it's (in my probably-biased estimation) completely inaccessible because I am#an inherently shameful and unpleasant person just by virtue of existing...then I'm just stuck at an impasse. and I'll always be crying#over something I can't logically ever have. why bother pursuing it if I am just going to be rejected or hurt or disparaged or tossed out or#neglected or sidelined or any number of bad outcomes? if that's how pursuing any kind of new interpersonal relationships is going to end#then why bother? the only thing to do would be to learn how to be completely unreliant on other people in any way forever right?#but THAT'S not logistically feasible EITHER and I've already proven that I can't fucking do that so what's left? just always be miserable?#I DON'T WANT TO RESIGN MYSELF TO THAT!!!!#sorry. it's. getting to be late december & around the new year is when it always gets Bad™ so we're just. gonna be like this for a few week#In the Vents#ugh all of this would be better if I still lived near Best Friend™#anyone who gets to live near/with their Person™ PLEASE know how lucky you are and don't take that for granted
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woah rare other system part sighting lmao, here's a Guz drawn by not-Juno
#I was working with the base they laid out so I had to fudge some shit because they'd laid out the neck and shoulder weirdly RIP#like the head is too far over to the right lmao but I didn't feel like erasing a bunch of it to fix that#the hand behind the wrestling box corner thing is also goofed lmao#turning rbs off but Juno (Dandy is vaguely a cross-system name so it feels weird calling them that) might post the art later better#I don't know how they edit their photos but I think I maybe got close lol#this guys fun to draw tbh love a rough n tumble boy lol he's got the same body type as one of my OCs except Stasis is mostly a robot LMAO#dandyshucks#dandy doodlebugs#<- I'll add these just in case ig ?? idk Juno do what u want with this even if it means deleting it lol hope this is fine for me to post#ALSO THIS WONT BE A REGULAR OCCURRENCE LMAO I was just super bored tonight and happened to switch in during Juno drawing this guy#probably won't ever happen again lol#our drawing styles arent super different I think but also this is using a base they laid out so I would've done it differently lmao#maybe it is different though - apparently I'm not a good judge of shit like this bc they say I write and play accordion differently somehow#but I thought I was doing a pretty good job the other day of doing it like they do lmaooo but nah they said it was all noticeably different#I'm chatty tonight sorry lol been a hot minute since I've had any time in front but I'll scoot off now#💜so good at being in trouble
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my day so far
#dad's cousin passed away a month ago#didn't go to funeral bc i felt it would b bad form to upstage funeral bc trans n i know most didn't know abt it and etc etc#found out today i'm in the will and my god do i feel bad for not going to the funeral now also man i knew she liked me but not SO MUCH AS TO#PUT ME IN THE WILL?? DUDE WHAT??????#gotta find out where to send a condolences card or smth today bruh BRUH#idk what i'll get if anything and that's fine i don't expect anything!! but fr i'm reeling i've been under the assumption that like....#extended family wanted nothing to do with me bc transitioning and all the ppwerk sent to me is in my new legal name and im just#fuck man#unexpected#pat u were a lovely woman thx for being one of 3 ppl on my dads entire side of the family who talked to me rest in peace u lovely woman#personal stuff#probably deleting later#getting old enough that like the few family members i have left that like me probably don't have long#other than my mom n siblings#i gotta send a text to my grandma or smth man sometimes u just forget not everybody hates u when u start transitioning n even if they don't#get it there's still ppl who probably mean well towards you and wish u the best
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Ugggh.
#I am not doing the best but I will pretend I am!#My brother (the only one of my siblings that don't live with us and actually the one I helped moved last Saturday) is dealing with a lot#Like two weeks ago or something he had some exetremly high blood pressure and he ended up in the emergency room#Yesterday he went to the doctor again for a check up and she told him something is extremely wrong#She didn't tell him anything else other than that and the closest appointment he can get is August and I know he's exetremly worried#I love all my siblings so much but we were forced to live with my dad his girlfriend and her kids and he was the only thing I had there#I don't know if things will be okay#Ugggh too try to take my mind off of things I have been thinking maybe I should try going to college but I'm afraid if I'll fail#Sorry if you read this things are weird and I'm real worried about my brother#Anyway back to pretending things are fine!#May delete later
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MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!
#🌙.rambles#aaaa i'm a bit late i accidentally slept when i lied down for a bit at 10 or so n just woke up bcs of a dream!#my sleep keeps on getting cut off lately 😭😭#that said though wait#OH NICE#checked out gbf recap of the stream n 🥺 hehe all the new charas n all n wtvr r so lovely#cassius my baby boy!!!! i'm probably gna make that my pfp on my doscord alt in the morning later#primarchs event at the end of the month i'm so fucking excited#n then other stuff too >< nier n fediel n the new divine general n everything YEAH#i'll watch parts of thw stream later#oh my god i only have like 5 hours of sleep how did i wake up#happy holidays though!!!! new year is so near.. that's more of my type of holiday hehe#oh dear i am v anxious ngl but being sleep-deprived n just woke up rn my brain is empty#i'm out of words to weite but i do hope for everyone to. enjoy the holidays n rest at least n#a good rest of december. n the year too#oh wait i'll delete my previous post i rambled too much there#this christmas is.. lonely. n i'm so tired. i don't know what to feel or do ar all but#it feels just so heavy n i'm so tired but i'll do what i know left. to just keep on forging ahead#n isk what to think of 2023 bcs a lot of good things happened but this is probably one of my worst years as well#it's so lonely inside i don't know what to do about it n i'm so tired n i feel so helpless bcs my energy is so drained#it weighs so so heavy.. all these regrets n burdens but i'll keep moving forward#i don't want tomorrows to come i want to just catch up n rest for a while#but time won't wait for me. i'll keep moving forward. forge ahead#it feels so.. empty. i'm too tired to be myself but i'll be fine eventually#someway somehow. so long as the morrow comes#i'll go back to sleep in a bit but this longing for the past n. idk the future is so painful. i don't feel like myself in the present#but i'll find my way. gn n happy holidays
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.
Ignore
#delete later#as awful as the past couple of weeks have been in terms of intrusive thoughts and random waves of panic and intense emotions and#blankness. there have also been random patches that have been. okay. and that is how i know my medication is working#bc the times ive been like this and not medicated? there has been no reprieve#like although i feel. awful and useless and am internalising my work failures in a non helpful way that im trying to fight#i am having moments of#hey we're okay. they raised an issue in a way that was gentle bc youre a good employee usually. and honestly although you#feel terrible for fucking up. someone you care about very much died a month ago. you have been experiencing a mental health#almost crisis (i refuse to call it a full crisis bc im not self destructing really badly) and quite frankly the fact that you're functioning#at all is. pretty decent. youre trying. i am of course having moments where im convinced that they hate me and want to fire me immediately#but that has no evidence. and the fact that i know it has no evidence is a pretty insane piece of progress#shout out to my therapist from two courses ago who drilled the moral shit into my head.#she genuinly helped me a lot with this.#also was really really hoping for the usual christmas bonus this year bc my finances are tighter than usual but the company had a#lean year so no bonuses for anyone. so dont have the leeway to try out sliding scale therapy for a while. but it is what it is.#this will pass. its just been a rough four months and i havent had a break. ive also been waiting fir thr other shoe to drop at work#and it finally has so i can at least stop torturing myself over maybes. im getting my meds. i can refer myself to nhs depression#therapy. which will be mostly useless and the same as it always is but it tends to help me feel like im trying to progress which is still#helpful in some small way. it will be what it will be. one day at a time and all that jazz#this is also how these things go for me. i lose it slowly over a month or so. have a horrific couple weeks until a day of a genuine#full breakdown. i survive that day and the day after and then slowly start clawing myself up again. ive just had a few breakdown#days this time. what can ya do. is what it is. im sure I'll have another breakdown soon as i can tell im not done crying#and will almost certainly have a breakdown at my parents bc i am not good at hiding the dead eyed look and mum will#definitely clock im being weirder than usual with food and touching things. so there'll be a#anyway nevermind. ill do what i must
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