#i'll be okay

[crabsnpersimmons]

"Slow down, Sunshine. You're not falling behind and you are loved for more than what you do for others."

[jaredwalkersam]

Walker finale | 4.13

[adastraetretro]

"Does it hurt?"

"I'll be okay."

"That isn't what I asked."

[paledinosaurrebel]

It's been a while.

I'm once again not sure what exactly I did during all this time. I'm just hoping I'll feel more relaxed. I'm nervous tired so I'm just gonna use Google's speech to text and start on digitalizing my notes. I'll try follow the book for the pictures but the rest will probably come together when I'm editing it.

It will be alright

[theotherhappyplace]

I'm sick of being peppered with little purple agonies of failed attempts at needle jabs. And a constellation of cuts where they try to slice away the parts of me that are killing the other parts.

What's it like not to hurt.

I can't remember.

It always hurts. What does ease and comfort feel like. I feel like my escapes are chemical. Slipping into the pitch black for a moments reprieve. Slices of death in exchange for screaming. It's harder when sleep is elusive

I am getting better. But i have to fight so hard for "zero".

I'm always clawing my way out of my own grave bare handed. My fingernails breaking off, my mouth gasping desperately for air.

When is ease?

When is comfort?

[moonkissedgirl]

I'll be fine, I just need to be dramatic first.

[birdycage]

sometimes i wish i could be taken care of. i'm so tired of helping others even when i'm sick. let me take a nap

[rimouskis]

man this sucks. also my whole head hurts. why is that a side effect of crying. UUUUUGH

[miradelletarot]

Sad brain hours are stupid

Personal post alert. Just me kinda mumbling my random sad brain thoughts into the void, and hope something make sense (or at least helps me get this shit out of my head idk).

*note: this is all over the fucking place so...sorry.* My confidence is pretty low lately. I mean, it always has been honestly. I was raised to have a low self-esteem (just like my mother, who also had self-esteem issues, and projected a lot of her shit onto me). So, I have never ever really been confident. In my marriage, I can't recall a time when my husband truly made me feel sexy/desirable (unless he wanted something from me...you know what I'm talking about). Even mentally and emotionally, I'm really not that smart. I'm not witty, or quick, or brilliant in any way, and my anxiety and depression and ADHD make shit hard enough to cope with as it is. I struggled in school. Mostly an A & B student, but I had to bust my ass for those grades. Not to mention my horrible memory...I'm lucky I know basic grade school shit. I have no illusions that there is anything remotely spectacular about me. I think that's why I love supporting and helping others. Especially with tarot. It's my way of trying to help lift people up, and make them feel good about themselves, and their prospects because *someone* needs to be in your corner (general "you"). It's just easier to give my love to others, because I'd rather use my energy to celebrate the people I care about. Lately, I am really just feeling so down about my body. More than I have in a while. I think I've ignored it for so long because I was married. He stopped putting in effort and so did I. I had no one to impress anymore. But, despite him completely letting himself go (he's well over 400lbs now, and does NOT take care of himself in the slightest,) he said he was no longer attracted to me. (this will make sense in a moment...promise).

in 2018, I had a weird ass health scare that landed me in the hospital for a week, and the nurse said I nearly died of sepsis. Her words were (and I'll never fucking forget it...) "if you had waited even until tonight to come to the ER, there's a good chance you wouldn't have made it." Drs still dunno what the fuck happened to me. Ever since that happened, my thyroid went stupid (thanks again, MOTHER...) and I gained a ton of weight. I have always been on the heavier side (180lbs when I got married 16 yrs ago. I'm 5 ft tall for context). Now, I'm 243 lbs. I was 265, but I lost a lot of that stress weight after I left my husband. So, that's certainly something.

But...I just don't see the improvement. i don't feel any better. I have such a horrible relationship with exercise, and i am working so fucking much I don't even want to even though I know I should. I hate wearing makeup b/c of how it makes my face feel, and in the Florida, soul-sucking heat? I could never. But, I still have breakouts like a fucking teenager going through puberty. and my hair? fuck. i hate it. it's a poofy, frizzy mop. ALSO...fucking hell. I have had a slight lisp since i was a kid. I worked really hard to correct it b/c i was in choir and shit and my music teacher helped me with it, but recently i find that it's a lot more prominent than it used to be, and it sticks out to me SO fucking much, and i feel so insecure about it lately.

It's time's like these when something my ex said to me before i left really sticks in my head (he apologized for saying this btw, but it doesn't make the pain go away). He said "you'll never find anyone as good as me." I really want to believe he's wrong, but sometimes? It feels like he's right. Like I'll never be pretty or thin enough to be desirable to anyone. Too much depression and anxiety. Too weird. Too vulgar. Just...Too much, and oddly not enough at the same time. Even though it's only been 6 months since I left him I am fucking lonely. I won't lie, I miss having a partner (and all that entails). I'm so afraid I'll be alone forever. If I lower my standards, I'll just get some shitty asshole again. Someone just like my ex. I'm too fucking old to date around like I'm in my 20s. I'm pushing 40. I'm either going to find the man of my dreams (the Gale of my heart, a real one lol) or I'll be forever alone.

I'm in hell...and it looks like a pixelated paradise.

[stars-n-spice]

I couldn't stop thinking about it-

Oh my god, I've been like,, listening to the RWBY soundtrack and I like went back and watched clips with Qrow and I can like,, feel this small part of my brain being unlocked and just,, aghhhh

I miss Qrow so much oh my god,, I was so obsessed with him and now I'm obsessed with Crosshair and it's like,, well no fucking shit you CLEARLY have a type

I was just screaming because how the fuck do they have so much in common?? Like when I found out Qrow was the younger twin too?? Like c'mon-

And oh my god,, I was so obsessed with Fair Game (Qrow x Clover) too because, surprise surprise, super misunderstood angsty, aloof character who keeps people at a distance meets their foil; the one person who seems to get them and see past their flaws??? Of fucking course I'm going to eat that shit up.

And what do you fucking know? I realized Clover is also a lot like Tay. I don't know if I just like,, subconsciously based him off of him or not because I was also obsessed with Clover too, but oh well,,

Anyways,, losing my mind over this. I can feel the RWBY fixation that went long dormant starting to melt. I love these two so much.

ALSO IF YOU WANNA YAP ABOUT RWBY AND LIKE TBB OR TCW AND LIKE AN AU OR SOMETHING YOU SHOULD YAP TO ME but like if you want to y'know or something yeah,,

[solivagantingrebel]

hey guys who wants another round of tmi

[official-olm-posts]

KING OLM HAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT

KING OLM AIN'T GOING FUCKIN' NOWHERE; KING OLM IS GOING TO BE OKAY. THE GRIEF IS NOT EVERLASTING AND I WILL CARRY ON.

I ENCOURAGE ALL OF MY CITIZENS TO DO THE SAME. WE WILL FLOURISH AND LIVE ON IN THE FACE OF THOSE WISHING ILL ON OUR KIND

RESIST GIVING IN TO HOW THEY WANT YOU TO FEEL

JOY IS A POWERFUL TOOL. FIND YOUR HAPPINESS SOMEWHERE AND HOLD ONTO IT.

LIVE TO SPITE THE ODDS

LIVE TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY

ONLY TOGETHER WILL THINGS CHANGE

WE NEED TO HOLD ONTO HOPE

LIVE. ONE DAY AT A TIME.

THERE IS NO MORE IMPORTANT FEAT.

[do-you-know-this-queer-character]

I hope ur doing okay.. sorry for your loss :((

Thank you. Everyone has been very kind in the comments on that post, and I'm very grateful to have such a wonderful community around this blog.

[gravitysgone]

Woke up feeling angry and disillusioned. And I don't like it. I don't want to live in the darkness anymore. I don't want to be whiney and broken anymore. I don't want to feel the anger anymore. The world just showed us that there is more than enough hate and anger to go around and there will be an abundance over the next few years. It doesn't need my morose ass feeding the fire. This is frustrating because I don't feel like anything caused it or deserves it. It is just there and it feels terrible. It makes no sense. But it makes me think of two things. First a scene in The Exorcist. It was only in the extended version but slightly better in the book version by William Peter Blatty. The two priests take a break and sit on the stairs and have a discussion of why this girl and why here. And Father Merrin says this "I think the demon’s target is not the possessed; it is us … the observers … every person in this house. And I think—I think the point is to make us despair; to reject our own humanity, Damien: to see ourselves as ultimately bestial, vile and putrescent; without dignity; ugly; unworthy. And there lies the heart of it, perhaps: in unworthiness. For I think belief in God is not a matter of reason at all; I think it finally is a matter of love: of accepting the possibility that God could ever love us.”

Why yes I do find the Exorcist relevant in my daily life. Relevant is where you find it. Second it makes me think of that bastard Aeschylus, the ancient Greek playwright and philosopher and father of tragedy. And he said "He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain, which cannot forget, falls drop by drop upon the heart, until, in our own despair. against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God." But then again what the fuck do I know. I am just a sad old dude who has a past that is the size of a battleship anchor and a future never long enough to look forward to the next harvest.

Anyway, you probably are not really interested in any of this. I'm just talking into the void.

[the-bad-batch-baroness]

PLEASE DON'T DO THIS

Please, don't reply to fics and give "suggestions" or "tips" to the author.

This isn't even constructive criticism.

This comment freaken hurts.

I slaved over this fic. I spent hours writing it and even more hours editing it, agonizing over word choice and scenes I'd never written before. The length alone says that.

THIS FIC WAS A LABOR OF LOVE.

NO, YOU MAY FREAKEN NOT.

Clearly, they liked it enough to leave five words saying so, but the rest of the comment is taken up by a "TIP" TO WRITE SOMETHING ELSE???

They sat there and read all 14k+ words (I would hope), and that's what they chose to comment about???

WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER.

It's not like I have anything better to do than slam out massive fics at people's whims.

Brb, while I go sob in a corner and entertain the idea of never opening another Google doc again.

[ruski-san]

I ruined my own childhood.