#i'll be okay

[crabsnpersimmons]

"Slow down, Sunshine. You're not falling behind and you are loved for more than what you do for others."

[jaredwalkersam]

Walker finale | 4.13

[adastraetretro]

"Does it hurt?"

"I'll be okay."

"That isn't what I asked."

[paledinosaurrebel]

It's been a while.

I'm once again not sure what exactly I did during all this time. I'm just hoping I'll feel more relaxed. I'm nervous tired so I'm just gonna use Google's speech to text and start on digitalizing my notes. I'll try follow the book for the pictures but the rest will probably come together when I'm editing it.

It will be alright

[subbytcklslut]

Okay, I'm going to get real for a moment. I know shocker....

But, you know what really sucks for me? Being bipolar. Yes, I was on meds and you know what it did? Tanked EVERYTHING. My libido, my positivity toward myself and toward literally every aspect of my life. I was hating every part of my day besides getting lost in my reading. It's been 3 and a half months since I've been off them. Know what it's been like?

My sex drive came back, my zest for life came back. I've felt better about myself and embraced my sexuality and kinks again. Hell, if it hadn't been for that change, I wouldn't even be on this Tumblr right now. I've made friends with common ticklish interests and it's led to TWO actual freaking people who've had the chance to indulge in this kink with me. I wouldn't be on here if it hadn't been for kicking those meds to the curb.

But then, moments like this happen. Where I've been doing good, been in a good mood. Even managed to not stress and freak about the absolute hell that was the rest of my work day today.... But then I started hyper focusing on one thing and it's tanked my mood. I'm being irritable and annoyed over seriously, the stupidest thing and I'm letting it affect my mood this much. It freaking sucks and I want to just go into a cocoon. So yeah, I know in like an hour or so, or even just talking with the right person will turn my mood around, but I hate when these lows hit because I sort of shove everyone away with my little rage fueled moments.

If I snap, I swear I don't mean it 😭 I just don't know how else to get it out.

[theotherhappyplace]

I'm sick of being peppered with little purple agonies of failed attempts at needle jabs. And a constellation of cuts where they try to slice away the parts of me that are killing the other parts.

What's it like not to hurt.

I can't remember.

It always hurts. What does ease and comfort feel like. I feel like my escapes are chemical. Slipping into the pitch black for a moments reprieve. Slices of death in exchange for screaming. It's harder when sleep is elusive

I am getting better. But i have to fight so hard for "zero".

I'm always clawing my way out of my own grave bare handed. My fingernails breaking off, my mouth gasping desperately for air.

When is ease?

When is comfort?

[stars-n-spice]

I couldn't stop thinking about it-

Oh my god, I've been like,, listening to the RWBY soundtrack and I like went back and watched clips with Qrow and I can like,, feel this small part of my brain being unlocked and just,, aghhhh

I miss Qrow so much oh my god,, I was so obsessed with him and now I'm obsessed with Crosshair and it's like,, well no fucking shit you CLEARLY have a type

I was just screaming because how the fuck do they have so much in common?? Like when I found out Qrow was the younger twin too?? Like c'mon-

And oh my god,, I was so obsessed with Fair Game (Qrow x Clover) too because, surprise surprise, super misunderstood angsty, aloof character who keeps people at a distance meets their foil; the one person who seems to get them and see past their flaws??? Of fucking course I'm going to eat that shit up.

And what do you fucking know? I realized Clover is also a lot like Tay. I don't know if I just like,, subconsciously based him off of him or not because I was also obsessed with Clover too, but oh well,,

Anyways,, losing my mind over this. I can feel the RWBY fixation that went long dormant starting to melt. I love these two so much.

ALSO IF YOU WANNA YAP ABOUT RWBY AND LIKE TBB OR TCW AND LIKE AN AU OR SOMETHING YOU SHOULD YAP TO ME but like if you want to y'know or something yeah,,

[moonkissedgirl]

I'll be fine, I just need to be dramatic first.

[tattoosingarishhues]

merry christmas to everyone who has rough relationships w family. you dont owe them anything, you don't need to wish them well or talk to them at all. its ok.

[rimouskis]

man this sucks. also my whole head hurts. why is that a side effect of crying. UUUUUGH

[official-olm-posts]

KING OLM HAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT

KING OLM AIN'T GOING FUCKIN' NOWHERE; KING OLM IS GOING TO BE OKAY. THE GRIEF IS NOT EVERLASTING AND I WILL CARRY ON.

I ENCOURAGE ALL OF MY CITIZENS TO DO THE SAME. WE WILL FLOURISH AND LIVE ON IN THE FACE OF THOSE WISHING ILL ON OUR KIND

RESIST GIVING IN TO HOW THEY WANT YOU TO FEEL

JOY IS A POWERFUL TOOL. FIND YOUR HAPPINESS SOMEWHERE AND HOLD ONTO IT.

LIVE TO SPITE THE ODDS

LIVE TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY

ONLY TOGETHER WILL THINGS CHANGE

WE NEED TO HOLD ONTO HOPE

LIVE. ONE DAY AT A TIME.

THERE IS NO MORE IMPORTANT FEAT.

[miradelletarot]

Sad brain hours are stupid

Personal post alert. Just me kinda mumbling my random sad brain thoughts into the void, and hope something make sense (or at least helps me get this shit out of my head idk).

*note: this is all over the fucking place so...sorry.* My confidence is pretty low lately. I mean, it always has been honestly. I was raised to have a low self-esteem (just like my mother, who also had self-esteem issues, and projected a lot of her shit onto me). So, I have never ever really been confident. In my marriage, I can't recall a time when my husband truly made me feel sexy/desirable (unless he wanted something from me...you know what I'm talking about). Even mentally and emotionally, I'm really not that smart. I'm not witty, or quick, or brilliant in any way, and my anxiety and depression and ADHD make shit hard enough to cope with as it is. I struggled in school. Mostly an A & B student, but I had to bust my ass for those grades. Not to mention my horrible memory...I'm lucky I know basic grade school shit. I have no illusions that there is anything remotely spectacular about me. I think that's why I love supporting and helping others. Especially with tarot. It's my way of trying to help lift people up, and make them feel good about themselves, and their prospects because *someone* needs to be in your corner (general "you"). It's just easier to give my love to others, because I'd rather use my energy to celebrate the people I care about. Lately, I am really just feeling so down about my body. More than I have in a while. I think I've ignored it for so long because I was married. He stopped putting in effort and so did I. I had no one to impress anymore. But, despite him completely letting himself go (he's well over 400lbs now, and does NOT take care of himself in the slightest,) he said he was no longer attracted to me. (this will make sense in a moment...promise).

in 2018, I had a weird ass health scare that landed me in the hospital for a week, and the nurse said I nearly died of sepsis. Her words were (and I'll never fucking forget it...) "if you had waited even until tonight to come to the ER, there's a good chance you wouldn't have made it." Drs still dunno what the fuck happened to me. Ever since that happened, my thyroid went stupid (thanks again, MOTHER...) and I gained a ton of weight. I have always been on the heavier side (180lbs when I got married 16 yrs ago. I'm 5 ft tall for context). Now, I'm 243 lbs. I was 265, but I lost a lot of that stress weight after I left my husband. So, that's certainly something.

But...I just don't see the improvement. i don't feel any better. I have such a horrible relationship with exercise, and i am working so fucking much I don't even want to even though I know I should. I hate wearing makeup b/c of how it makes my face feel, and in the Florida, soul-sucking heat? I could never. But, I still have breakouts like a fucking teenager going through puberty. and my hair? fuck. i hate it. it's a poofy, frizzy mop. ALSO...fucking hell. I have had a slight lisp since i was a kid. I worked really hard to correct it b/c i was in choir and shit and my music teacher helped me with it, but recently i find that it's a lot more prominent than it used to be, and it sticks out to me SO fucking much, and i feel so insecure about it lately.

It's time's like these when something my ex said to me before i left really sticks in my head (he apologized for saying this btw, but it doesn't make the pain go away). He said "you'll never find anyone as good as me." I really want to believe he's wrong, but sometimes? It feels like he's right. Like I'll never be pretty or thin enough to be desirable to anyone. Too much depression and anxiety. Too weird. Too vulgar. Just...Too much, and oddly not enough at the same time. Even though it's only been 6 months since I left him I am fucking lonely. I won't lie, I miss having a partner (and all that entails). I'm so afraid I'll be alone forever. If I lower my standards, I'll just get some shitty asshole again. Someone just like my ex. I'm too fucking old to date around like I'm in my 20s. I'm pushing 40. I'm either going to find the man of my dreams (the Gale of my heart, a real one lol) or I'll be forever alone.

I'm in hell...and it looks like a pixelated paradise.

[s-ephiroth]

i often thought, through all these years, like

"i'll leave this fandom someday"

i've seen people come and go, i've seen people completely delete and vanish and i've tried to mourn the hole they left behind when they went

(tried to, because i'm not good at mourning, i feel... i'm better at coping, at entering survival mode and just pushing through, and hiding the tears for when nobody is looking; i mourn extremely messy and never ending... i mourn any time i title a fic in full lowercase and think of the things icy said back then;

(i mourn when i see pages that will never update again and records of things from years ago — seeing how friends and i were so different back then, less paranoid, perhaps more carefree, less pained by the weight of world; seeing once busy chat rooms fall quiet even though people are still there, seeing people change fandoms... i mourn now even though i'm making a silly pun on a friend's stream chat)

i thought that one day i would be the next one to go, too

because somewhere in this world there are people who can't simply let others enjoy stuff on their corner or people who can't just give you a rejection email like a normal person and have to dodge a block to mock you, there are people out there who can't just say "i dislike this thing" and move on, instead coming up with convoluted excuses for why the thing is bad, while basking in equally messy stuff to what they bash

there are stalkers, there are people who go on your ao3 fic to ask why you blocked them, there are cowards who send people anon hate for months, people who crap comment on bookmarks, bullies who persist for years

there's a lot of bad and i often thought "maybe i'll be the next one to go... but... will someone miss me, when i go?"

the pessimist in me says people would miss me for a while, then forget

maybe eventually someone would be like "where are the prompts for sc/seph weeks?" and i would've been missed for a moment, then forgotten again

surely someone would come up with replacement events, maybe not

it would be okay... perhaps

the world keeps spinning and i'm but a little rock rolling along the river of time, as they say; ultimately, on my own i'm near powerless

i can't fully protect people i admire from their bullies, i can't stop drama bs from happening, i can barely bring myself to be creative quite often because my energy is limited

i can't rewind time and prevent one of my friends from being traumatized for life

surely one day i would be the next one to go; my self-esteem isn't very high, i don't really think of myself as too important

hell i almost died twice before, due to things outside of my control, i think of my own mortality and how fleeting stuff is a lot more than i'm willing to admit

probably someone like me would be the next to go, from fandom i mean, is what i think when i see people stop doing things they loved because others were evil to them

"surely, this time i'll not come back to public with art, it's not like some silly chibis are desired, it's not like my computer is robust enough, i was never given an excuse for why exactly i was rejected from that zine, maybe it was personal bias but maybe just maybe i really should fail, maybe what i do is not enough anyway... maybe if i come back those kinds of people will hunt me down like prey... but hey it's valentine's day, what if i force myself to do something"

it's not like anyone would've cared much, anyway

i could be the next one to go; the remake brought in too many ill intended people and icy was right in leaving, remake changed the climate

but for every single discourse bs that happens, for every no life person who manipulates others, even though there are too many people who have to touch grass

sometimes... sometimes you appreciate a piece of good fan art for 4 years, often going back from time to time to share it with others, looking at it when things feel too hard and the artist comes back to it, redraws it

and you just think "fuck... i need to do something too!!! i've thought of the original so much, i watched from afar for too long, it watered my dying crops over and over and over"

and i do... and i befriend the artist somehow? and there's official material related to the subject matter, and i befriend other people too and fuck, fuck, fuck—

turns out there way more people than i thought into the subject matter too!!! and even more official material coming out after years of just having this one shortish game to go by, the one thing to bring me into the fandom in the first place

and i just think

"i can't leave... i like it here, i hope no one takes this from me, i'll gladly shield people if i have to, i'll throw hands if i have to"

and suddenly, i can't be the next one to go and this post is turning much longer than i expected it to, while i'm bawling my eyes out from being too emotional while watching a stream

and you, reading this, as long as you're an innocent bystander who contributes in some way, even if you just mostly lurk and don't get involved much? you shouldn't go either

the world is a fuck on fire right now, but maybe you make it less so, for someone

maybe you're someone's favorite artist or writer or cosplayer; maybe someone is still waiting on that fic you haven't updated in like 3 years or maybe someone's seeing you go on hiatus and worrying, "will... will i see you again?"

you never know

maybe you'll indeed, move fandoms some day, find another place to lurk in with people you can affectionately call your "favorite losers" or maybe life will get too busy, maybe you need a short break to detox

but while that doesn't happen, please don't go?

please don't go

[mr-orion]

rant cause im highkey not feeling great 🥴

I think the worst part of being assaulted and harrassed and stalked and sexualized against my will over the years is that it's never ever a stranger. Every occurrence has been someone I trusted. I think the worst part is I can't speak about it without being blamed for half of it, and it feels like I lose all our mutual friends in a popularity contest. I know even if I explained what happened, nothing would come of it. Cause technically my consent was given and its "morally grey". It's not. I didn't consent to this specific instance. But the one person I did open up about this still continues to associate with them. I regret telling them at all. That alone is why I can't tell anyone else, because they'll all pull the same shit.

This recent occurence won't even let me feel okay in my own room or my body or my brain. I can't sleep, I can't eat right, and the worst part is it was my best friend and there were warning signs leading up to it but I didn't think anything of it. Because I trusted them. Like. What do I even do? its not like i was raped this time or even touched so really nothing can be done... I'm just violated.

Even more they keep messaging through my work messaging system saying they "hope to ammend things" and so we can be friends again. I can't even explain how triggering it is. Take a fucking hint, stop messaging me. I blocked you on everything else because what you did was deplorable and icky. The fact that they keep messaging just shows that they think I'm an object. There's no shame there. I want to reply harshly but I can't bring myself to even give them the time of day.

I wish I could pretend everythings okay but its not and I just can't be human anymore. I can't wear my favorite clothes anymore, I can't go places without being terrified of running into them. I can't even associate with trans women without feeling they all want to undress me, do you know how fucking vile that is? I feel like the worst person in the world for that, I know they aren't out to harm me but it makes me ill.

I can't even cry about it anymore because I'm so fucking used to it at this point.

I want to cry but I'm just a husk at this point. I'm losing how pretty I am and it feels like they're winning and I just want to starve myself a couple weeks so I can pretend I'm normal again. I keep having compulsions to carve nasty words into my skin and it's so, so, so, awful. It's been so hard to art or do anything I enjoy, because I just want to sleep. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

Maybe 2025 will be the year I'm not sexually violated, you know? If I'm lucky... at least I know I'm pretty if this stuff keeps happening.

[jtheplante]

Madaparty Theme 4 - Angst /personal

I didn't originally make this for Madaparty. I was at a low point a few nights ago so I made this for Tiktok. But it fits the Angst theme, & maybe someone else can relate. If you're alone, you're not alone 🖤

If it wasn't for All Hail King Julien I might not be here today. I mean it. I'm so thankful to DreamWorks for using AHKJ to explore deep sensitive topics like internalized homophobia, unhealthy obsession of someone, and loneliness. Seeing dynamic, well written characters I love experience some of the same struggles and pains - broad or specific - that I do, makes me feel validated in a way that nothing else does. To the AHKJ production team, thank you.

[goeticwhorelore]

Okay but does Octavia's song give anyone else Adventure Time vibes

Particularly Marceline vibes