#i'd say this drawing had. the least amount of effort put into it

[kenziedrawz]

Finally, they're done!

The Golden Age of Piracy A new rumor has taken the world by storm— an Island that hosts the world’s greatest treasure! A young captain sets out with her crew upon their beloved ship inherited from her late father, the Dragon’s Heart, in search of this treasure! But they’re not the only ones seeking this treasure, could an all out war at sea break out because of this rumor? Is it even real? The Captain is determined to find it and the truth!

The High Middle Ages In the distant past, the High Middle Ages, a young warrior takes a stand against an invading force challenging all she knows. But does she have what it takes to protect her friends and home? Or will it too be conquered and swallowed by the light of conformity?

and with that... that's all the basic chapters done! I've introduced you guys to practically every protagonist in Live A Live 2 Kenzie Edition! ...Well, everyone except for one.

Tune in next time, for the Far Far Future... Whenever that may be.

[bloggingboutburgers]

I think everyone will benefit from properly tagging posts. xreader fics abd ship fics ONLY include the relevent _x_ tags but none of the character's name on its own, allowing all the usual fanart, theories and such to stay on the main name tag and not be crowded out by horny fanfiction (I say this as someone who very much enjoys very horny, very smutty xreader fanfictions. I want to be able to search the fics I want directly without having to trawl through headcanon posts, fanart, unrelated ship posts, etc.).

No one really has a tailored experience on the internet (I'm glad tumblr is at least a little more user dictated than advertiser algorithm based), but I do get the frustration and discomfort that comes from the abundant hornyposting feeling inescapable.

It's tempting to take offence to persistent cries against xreader stuff. I like special POV episodes of shows for the same reason I like xreader fics. My favourite characters WERE the company I kept, my only real form of companionship (albeit simulated) for many many years. Not because I am allo, basically. I sought something to meet my social needs growing up where I was unable to find community or companionship in real life.

Unfortunately, because they are usually sexual in nature I just came to associate a need for human connection with sex (so am I allo or just conditioned to blend sexual, platonic and romantic feelings and actions together?). I was just happy to feel like I had someone to hang out with. I knew they weren't real and that I needed to find real people to connect with (not for lack of trying, kids are just cruel. Finally made friends as an adult, yay).

Didn't intend for any of that to be so sad or pathetic, but hopefully it gives context for the prevalence of xreader fics. Alongside the varied reasons people write / read them (no just blind allo horniness), especially in light of the widespread loneliness epidemic over the past decade.

It's still more than ok to not want anything to do with them either (be it due to being aroace or not - I know plenty of allos who find xreader fics cringe).

Something I need to clarify here – we get it. Well, we don't fundamentally get it, but trust me, we've been told time and time again why people would write/draw/be into xreader content (it's all part of the package of "aroaces MUST put themselves in allo people's shoes at all times"), and we know they're perfectly legitimate reasons, and we don't find it sad or pathetic, or cringe. At the very least I don't at all. That's not what it's about. It's not something as surface-level at that.

The thing is... The same kind of understanding effort is VERY rarely put forward in return for us. And the fact that we're perceived as naysayers is symptomatic of this. We're not crying against xreader content. People are free to do whatever they want. We just want it to be tagged to keep ourselves safe, and so we can appreciate some variety and find fandom content we can properly connect with with the identity we have.

The issue isn't that there is xreader content, or heck, that there's lots of it. It's that, as @kaoruko-han put it, "everyone is assumed to be into this", and that you can't express something as simple as "I'd rather read something else" without being finger-pointed as a villain.

Yeah, no one has a tailored experience online, but there's still a very clear lack of balance on what is acceptable to tailor to or not (and for us, that includes tumblr). And trying to find fan-content while being sex-repulsed? Bruh, you'd better pray on your lucky stars and be ready to trudge through an ocean of stuff that's loaded with the very thing that makes you scared, uncomfortable or downright triggers a feeling of sickness in you, because a lot of it ain't tagged. An alarming amount of people don't bother, because why would people like you exist, right? There's only ever them, and puritan bigots. It's that black and white in a lot of people's heads.

Here's the difference though: we, too, want people to be able to vibe to whatever fan content they want. We just wish "people" included us properly in this case. As it stands now, trying to find fan content that won't give you an uncomfortable feeling as a sex-repulsed person feels kinda like this (I'll try to illustrate that to the best of my ability as a vague comparison, please no one take that as a clear parallel, I'm literally just trying to explain how it feels in a way people who have no idea how it feels might understand): you're not into gore at all, you don't wanna look at it, but your streaming platform keeps recommending you those series that are loaded with gore. You try to filter it out, but no matter where you go, you keep being recommended those series. And no one ever gets your discomfort and you're being branded as nothing but a wet blanket for not wanting to see gore. It's kinda like that.

At this point I admire sex-repulsed or romance-repulsed people who still TRY to find anything at all in fandom spaces. I've stopped reading fanfic altogether and I've largely stopped engaging with the large majority of fandom spaces for those reasons. And that wasn't an easy choice, or one that I find fun because it feels incredibly lonely, but it's the result of years of exhaustion and strain on my mental health trying to navigate something that's so hostile to me at its core, even if it's unintentional.

So... Yeah. We know the reasons, just like the content itself, they're kinda impossible to ignore. But we are largely being ignored in this, and it's not just something at an "ick" or "picky" level ; for a sex-repulsed person, being spammed with sex entails much more than that. It's not even frustration anymore at this point, it's downright despair a lot of the time. So... Yeah, like you said, everyone would benefit from stuff being more properly tagged. For us it'd be so huge to know our safety is taken into account – that we're taken into account at all. Thing is, we're not, and we're so invisible in this and most other things that at this point, I don't have much hope. Sex-related controversies allo people can understand would sooner create a change than anything done for our sake.

[attleboy]

Why do u draw?

oooooooo [rubs hands together] a fun one that probably isn't that deep but i'm going to take way too seriously!

so the short answer is fun, but i can never just say one sentence and be done with it soooo i elaborated and wrote a whole essay below. sorry not sorry

anyway if you didn't want my origin story no shame in that, it's not gonna be on the quiz, just keep scrolling :P

to cover all my bases let me start from the beginning and work my way forward...

i think pretty much all kids draw at least a little just because they can, but the thing that really inspired me to take art seriously was the great abundance of cat animations on youtube in the early 2010s... warrior cats amvs mostly, but also artists like bani the kitty and splashkittyartist! you can really see these inspirations in my early digital art hehehe (see below by attle b. age 8)

from then until about age 14 art was just... my thing? i did it pretty much everyday, probably couldn't have imagined life without it... i think back then my motivations were more inline with your typical social media artist motivations... get better, be seen, and maybe make a career out of it? never made it that far though because ehhhh life has different plans i guess

i fell into an art slump in the middle of high school for a variety of personal reasons i won't get into, and as such i had to give up my dreams of creating art as a job

as sad as that was in the moment, it forced me to change my outlook on the whole ordeal in a way that i think was ultimately healthier for me.

that brought me to where i am now! since i have no goals beyond keeping at it as a hobby, i do it simply because i enjoy the process, the product, and i feel like it lets me connect with my interests in a way i otherwise couldn't.

it's a fun way to express love for the things i care about, and while i still enjoy honing my skills i don't feel the same pressure to be perfect that i used to which is really freeing!!

so in that sense it's intrinsic motivation that makes me draw what i draw... however, the amount of art i put out and the polish i give it is definitely motivated by the eyes i have on me... while i'd still be drawing the same things if no one was watching, i would not be putting nearly as much effort into it, nor would i be doing it as regularly, so i do thank you guys for keeping me on track there <3

that's it i think? i could get into the philosophy of it, but i'll spare you that... okay thank you for letting me yap!!! ^-^

[goodluckclove]

A Very Very Muppet Christmas Movie Deserves All the Hate it Gets, and Maybe More Actually

Okay so someone said I can talk about this so I'm going to talk about it. Spoilers I guess? For a shitty Muppets movie?

This got long. Fuck.

I have seen, at this point, every Muppets movie aside from Muppets Oz. I couldn't really rate them in order of best to worst like other online sites do. I like The Muppets. Even the movies that didn't touch my heart like Muppets Treasure Island I still found fun and enjoyable. My favorite will always be the original movie from 1979, but I found all of them to be comforting and enjoyable.

Until this one. This one is bad. A Very Very Muppets Christmas Movie was so immediately bad on every level. It is the first movie I've seen in some time that actually made me angry.

A little context for those who haven't seen the movies. Muppets movies fall into two categories that I'll call Muppets Lore and Muppets Theatre. In Muppets Theatre you get a loose retelling of some classic story where the cast is primarily Weird Felt Perverts - think Christmas Carol, Treasure Island, Wizard of Oz. The Great Muppets Caper isn't technically based on source material but I'd put it in this category since they're playing characters.

On the other hand, the Muppets Lore movies focus on the origins/misadventures of the Muppets as an ensemble. Think the original movie, as well as Muppets Take Manhattan, Muppets in Space, and the two reboot films.

Muppets Haunted Mansion is technically both a Muppets Lore and Muppets Theatre film. It's also. I wouldn't say bad, but it - it's weird to talk about. It does canonize that Gonzo's worst fear is dying alone - which, like, yeah. That tracks.

Anyways, A Very Muppet Christmas (I refuse to keep using the full title), though it does heavily draw from It's a Wonderful Life (but badly), is primarily a Muppets Lore movie. The basic plot is that the Muppets, who by now are well-known for producing shows out of their own Muppet Theater, lose their venue. This devastates Kermit, driving him to believe that the lives of his friends would be better if he was never born. He gets to see this alternate reality, realizes it's apparently way worse, and begs to go back. He does, the theater is saved through randomly being declared a historical site, and everyone's happy forever.

I don't know where to start with this. Let me break it up.

They Had The Same Message For a Like 30 Years At This Point How Did You Fuck it Up This Badly

So a majority of the Muppets Lore movie focuses on the central theme of chasing your dreams. The main cast are all performers (barring Scooter, who seems to be the entirety of their tech crew. Kermit also directs and writes. I think Doctor Honeydew is a war criminal but no one talks about that.) with aspirations of making a living doing what they love. They make mentions of fame but are pretty loose with what that means. Miss Piggy is the only cast member who explicitly wants mass amounts of stardom.

The rest appear content with being career artists. Rowlf is chill wherever there's a piano. The Electric Mayhem prefer their jam rock but seem fine playing any gig with an audience and also probably a plug for hard drugs. In a lot of Gonzo origin appearances he's actually working a separate day job and just shoots himself out of cannon as a hobby. The major draw in the original depiction of their dreams (for me at least) is that it really does paint them all as people who would be doing their art anyway regardless of whether or not they Hit it Big. They push for fame, they try again and again to find an audience that appreciates them even when most of them don't, and it works out in the end. They get rewarded for the effort their dreams push them commit to - what Real Life, Non-Muppet Artist wouldn't at least acknowledge how that's cool to see?

I think this is why a Lore Muppet movie doesn't really work when it depicts The Muppets already being successful. The reboot worked for me because it took place when they were all major celebrity figures past their prime and mostly forgotten (except for Rowlf who I think was on so much Oxy that he didn't realize they were famous). When the movie focuses on their career the fame is a better goal than a starting point.

It really does make A Muppet Christmas fall apart immediately. They run the risk of losing their theater if they don't make the money to pay rent? They're famous. They're on talk shows. There's a statue dedicated to the joy Kermit brings to the world. I do not accept this to be a universe where they can't get another venue immediately. I wouldn't be able to accept this as a universe where they're both successful performers who sell out every show and also almost broke, if not for the fact that I can think of like four Muppets off the top of my head who probably generate a new court case against them every year. Legal fees.

They had one scene where Kermit calls a bunch of mid 2000s celebrities and none of them want to guest for the Christmas show. That works in the reboot where Kermit does the same thing only to find that most of his old contacts are either retired or dead. In this one? It's nonsense.

No, Really, You Fucked it So Bad

In every Muppet movie that focuses on following your dreams, that message is paired with maddening levels of determination. The Muppets, mainly Kermit, do not give up. All his friends ditch him while he's trying to get their musical produced on stage? He's gonna work a minimum wage job and keep looking for producers so he can get that venue and perform with his friends. His career is kind of over but he runs the risk of losing the studio that served as a landmark for the legacy he made with the people he loves? Fuck it, cross-country road trip to get the band back together.

He's trying to make a name for himself but there's a entrepreneur who runs a frog legs restaurant and, after being unable to hire him as a spokesperson, sends a paid assassin to kill him? That's less important than making the Big Audition in Hollywood!

So when being faced with losing the Muppet Theater in A Muppet Christmas, Kermit stays true to his character by giving up immediately and abandoning his friends to die alone in the snow.

Like I get it, you're doing the It's A Wonderful Life thing but you can't make Kermit do an explicit suicide attempt. But the film establishes he is fully frozen and unresponsive when his Religiously Unspecified Celestial Guardian finds him, and that is WAY more disturbing than having him jump off a bridge in my mind. It's just so bleak holy fuck. And this happens immediately. First fifteen minutes of a movie that inexplicably starts in the middle and Kermit slinks off to die.

It's not earned at all. He didn't fuck up to the extent for this to make sense. We find out later that the money was lost because he gave it to Fozzie to give to the bank and Fozzie loses it. Kermit then becomes convinced that he ruined all of his friends lives because of this.

Like it's a common thread to depict Kermit being the lynchpin that moves the ensemble forward. He's the guy with the plan, so it makes sense story wise to take that character and get him to a point where he's out of ideas. Only we never see him really try anything? He makes no attempts that fail before he falls into despair. He sits on the sideline and when things don't go well he's like "I fucked it" and loses his will to live. When people say Kermit is a boring buzz kill this is the Kermit they must be imagining.

All the Characters are Bad Here

The major crux of the film is seeing how the ensemble would live without Kermit, who inexplicably thinks he ruined their lives in a way I still don't understand (Did he take out a bunch of loans in their name? What happened???). The intention is to show that their lives are better for having him in them. This, for some reason, looks like the following:

Gonzo: talented street singer/musician, maybe implied to be homeless?

Fozzie: pickpocket, apparently. Why? Bullshit

The Electric Mayhem: Irish step dancers I guess

Scooter: go go dancer. Living his best life.

Sam the Eagle: nightclub enthusiast. Seems fine.

Statler and Waldorf: I could be wrong but it did really look like they were depicted as a gay couple

Rizzo: I - actual rat? Rat actor? Non-sentient rat? I don't really understand what was happening there.

Miss Piggy: I thought they were going the path of having her give up on acting and become a crazy cat lady (not good but fits the era) but apparently she's a phone psychic who uses a Jamaican accent and wig. I guess Kermit is the only person keeping her from race baiting - which I can believe.

So my issue with this is that it's fully inconsistent to all of their characters. If you wanted to show how their lives would be worse without Kermit, it's very easy to do so using the aspects of their personality depicted in like 40 years of media. I think the issue comes in the fact that the obvious downfalls aren't really fitting for a kids movie, which is probably why Jim Henson didn't go there. But I will right now! Here is my take:

Fozzie: super bigoted comedian. He doesn't realize his audience are racists and he doesn't really get the jokes but he's happy people are finally laughing

Gonzo: drug mule

Miss Piggy: probably got famous but not though acting and she's trying to pretend like that's just as good

Rizzo: pays Gonzo be his drug mule

The Electric Mayhem: long dead. Either OD or murder-suicide. Maybe Animal lived but he's absolutely in prison.

Statler and Waldorf: divorced because they never got to bond over their mutual hatred of live theater

Scooter: still in technical theater but he gets treated like shit and probably has a drinking problem

Sam the Eagle: full-on Nazi. Obviously.

There's a plot there in showing what the muppet ensemble would be like without their director and biggest cheerleader. It's just that the depiction in the movie we got was so far removed from what they were like in the present reality that it didn't - like, without Kermit, Gonzo would've learned how to play the guitar? Huh? The only thing that's keeping Fozzie Bear from doing petty crime is making vaudeville theater? Fucking how? Based on what?

It doesn't work as a Muppets story and it doesn't work as a Wonderful Life reference because there's really not anything real that proves that Kermit is the thing that kept this from happening. Except for Piggy doing phone blackface. I can see him having to have that conversation with her a lot.

Anyways, it sucks. The framing is bad, the guest stars are weird (Joe Rogan and Matthew Lillard?), and the one song for the film is awful. Kermit's emotional arc is nonsense and the film fails to see that the point of the ensemble is that they're better and happier together, not that they're all useless and miserable without their leader.

Brian Henson did an important thing taking over for The Muppets after his dad died. He did a lot for the way the movies he wasn't involved in production wise - he worked on the rig that allowed Muppets to appear to ride bikes. This is his life and his dads legacy and it's clear - at least at one point - he valued continuing it.

But yeah this movie was awful. Near incoherent. It's like fanfic from someone who's only research was doing a Google image search of The Muppets. Christ.

[just-a-carrot]

OW Fanwork Contest Thank You and Raffle Results!

The first OW fanwork contest officially ended on Friday, so it's time for the results of the final raffle! However, I'd first like to thank each and every person that participated. I honestly can't believe how many people took the time and effort to create something for this contest??? I was a bit overwhelmed. To the point where I mildly regretted saying I'd do prize headshots for every participant as the sheer amount has made it a lot more work than I expected 🤣💦 HOWEVER, I still think it is absolutely amazing that so many people would want to join in the first place and I am humbled and honored by all the amazing fanworks that were created and I'm glad that I can at least give back something to everyone even to those who don't win the final raffle 💕

Some random stats before I get to the winners:

42 total participants

42 headshot prizes (30 drawn so far)

44 total raffle entries (2 people submitted 2 works)

41 pieces of fanart

2 pieces of writing

1 fan game

Also I thought it'd be interesting to do a breakdown for how often each char appeared in a fanwork (including in group/multi shots):

Iggy (22)

Orlam (18)

Genzou (17)

Gidget (or Ghent) (17)

Bucks (6)

Jerry (2)

Cecil (1)

And now for the final raffle!!!!!! For the raffle, I used spinthewheel.io (I just looked up on Google for online choice wheel pickers). I put the 42 names of everyone who submitted in, and then also additional entries for the 2 people that submitted two pieces, for a total of 44 entries. Also I styled the wheel to look very autumn-y LOL Then... I spun it for the first time!!!

Tadah! The first winner is... @awalum !!!

Then, I removed awalum's name and spun the wheel again...!!!!

Wahoo!! The second winner is... @alaluea !!!

Congratulations to both winners!!

Please fill out this winner commission form to send me the details about the piece you'd like me to draw! All further correspondence will be through email so I can keep it very professional!

And that's it!! I still have a lot of headshots to do, as well (two more batches of six lol 🤣💦). I will continue to work on them in November along with the raffle prizes.

Thank you again everyone so much for all the amazing fanworks through this last month and a half! I had so much fun and was really honored by everyone's submissions. I'd love to do another contest sometime again in the future!! 💕

(also if you haven't sent me who you want for your headshot yet, please do!!)

[cursecrazy-writing]

It's not like this blog has attracted virtually any attention so I don't know what good it is posting here, but I feel a little guilty saying nothing at all when the least I could do is leave a sort-of farewell note explaining why I'm not around.

Uh basically I'm very done with writing. I owe thousands of words to various commissioners, and I still intend to get that work done, but beyond that, I'm not going to waste any more of my time writing stories. The whole endeavor has plainly not been worth it, all the stress of a second job but with a fraction of the pay, so I'm just going to stop.

And really, it hasn't been about the money. I've always undersold myself because I know the true value of writing as a job is worth extremely little, and that most of writing is based on passion. What I've strived for previously was not to make a lot of money or a living off of writing, but to simply put stories out and have them be read. What I desired most was feedback -- not necessarily criticism, but literal feedback, any signal or indication that people are reading my stories, that these stories affect people and that they're happier having read them. But for years none of my stories have been getting noticed, certainly not enough attention to merit months of work or even the amount of effort it takes to upload and advertise a story on social media. You can see how a vast majority of my uploads here on this Tumblr have 0 notes. On Twitter, I was lucky to get two or three likes from some of my regular followers that habitually liked anything I posted. I go to my Patreon stats and see mere double digits of anyone even clicking the damn links. So this main goal of mine, to simply have my stories be enjoyed, is utterly failing.

The reality is that I am not a good writer. If I was a better writer, I'd see more success -- my momentum from Endless would have continued for a little more than just a couple months of attention. Even Endless itself was a strike of luck, because the only reason that story saw so much success is because it got stuck on the first page of giantessworld.net so it got a disproportionate amount of notice. Maybe this wouldn't bug me so much if I didn't see other writers of varying skill levels doing much, much better than me with regards to social media interactions -- blogs that have existed for days get triple digit notes, blurb-sized fetish writing tweets that get shared by dozens of accounts, etc. Clearly there's a right way to do these types of things and I've just been doing them wrong lol.

Not helping whatsoever is how anti-erotica every social media seems to be. And I do mean erotica specifically. Obviously you can find tons of outright porn here on Tumblr or Twitter or basically where the fuck ever. But an account that just posts writing? Weird fucked up niche writing about fetishes? With NO pictures??? The algorithm simply will not allow it. I'm constantly under pressure to have to expand my skillset to include abilities I have not honed, leaving me with the option to either learn how to draw myself (basically taking on a third job so I can practice an art craft i don't even want to be practicing just so my main craft can get non-fucked by an invisible intangible algorithm) or, my favorite, ~hire an artist~ to make images for me so that I can at least pretend it's my writing that people enjoy and not the actual art I had to pay someone to make.

To top it all off, I just don't feel like writing any more. I've been writing giantess stories nonstop for five years and I'm basically done with it. I haven't had any ideas that genuinely interest me, no inspiration to create, everything feels like it's either been done before or it's trying way too hard to be an original concept for a size setting. More than just a case of writers block, I really don't feel joy from writing anything. On a technical level, all I can imagine is the silent criticisms, people cringing at my writing but never explaining why it's bad, because again, none of my stories ever receive any category of feedback, so I'm left wondering completely how people felt any way about a project that took me months to finish. I just have to assume that if no one is saying anything, it must be because there's nothing good to say about it; I see all sorts of dumpy little comments on other people's publications, but I get zero, implying something critically wrong with my art compared to others.

Eventually, the goal is to close the Patreon, the discord, and all other accounts -- probably only once I've caught up on all commission work and can just deactivate peacefully. By then I hope to have at least uploaded or re-uploaded everything I've written onto some place for record purposes, maybe ten years from people will feel like reacting to my writing lol. Until I fully deactivate, expect me to be basically gone, I won't be taking any extra work and won't be checking messages. I hope some of you enjoyed what I made. Thanks for reading.

[tonydaddingham]

am i missing something in kinda comparing the entire maggie and nina situation to paris? 'cause there was no need to get them to fall in love. a&c might not be able to make people actually feel it, but they seem to have mind control down pat without much effort (or any moral quandaries). they could have waited for an angel to show up and just faked it- easy, certain way out. it's not like the idea of working together like that is even weird, not after the gabriel miracle.

so. either they missed it, which is plausible, and uhhh, renders this whole ask pointless, or *would* have moral issues with it (also plausible💀), or they're being completely ridiculous again, and would rather plan balls than actually make an effort to get themselves out of Mortal Fucking Peril (not that aziraphale necessarily knows it is). i think it would fit the pattern, honestly- when not having huge blowouts over *problems of their own making* (hey aziraphale kill this kid it'll be fine, aziraphale why won't you ditch earth with me, crowley why won't you come to heaven with me), the ineffables always seem to be constantly, aggressively orbiting eachother, making heart eyes and goofing off (cough end of the resurrectionists "not kind" cough) with 0 regard for safety except for the (very very sadly i can't find the -ennial word for every other century) occasional heart attack, and then just skipping right back down the aisle.

(hope this is coherent, i've been editing things a little too long to tell)

hello @aq-uatic my darling!!!💕

(bby im so sorry!!! i thought i had posted this ages ago and i went rooting around in the drafts to continue something else and realised i hadn't!!! im an idiot sorry!!!)

i think there is some context behind aziraphale's actions in particular with this scene:

we know that aziraphale has a fondness for maggie, that i'd argue goes slightly beyond the fondness he has for humans in general (and even then that's questionable at times), and he seems genuinely put out that he's not in a position to help her - to wiggle his fingers about, and make it happen for her (horrifying implications, aziraphale, but we move). so, whilst aziraphale obviously is prompted into the whole 'lets-make-these-two-humans-fall-in-love-bc-that's-totally-normal-and-okay' by holding the everyday record back in the bookshop, i think there is an element of aziraphale genuinely wanting to help her, and coming up with the ball is his interpretation of an organic way to do that (💀). but it doesn't justify the whole thing one little bit; despite the possibility of that being his intention, it's completely batshit - nina certainly didnt know, let alone consent, to anything, and maggie didn't either; they're not dolls for either of them to play around with.

essentially though, i agree - any logical, coherent, sensible thinking would have probably just helped them arrive at a solution that didn't involve warping reality and bringing a whole room of people under a horrifying amount of hypnosis. but you have two supernatural creatures who, in a fairly major way by the time of 2023 at least, have their sense of existing amongst humanity influenced by not only the clandestine, dramatic nature of their own story, but by their tendencies towards damsel-but-not-wholly-in-distress-ing and anti-hero-at-best-ing respectively. we have to barely scratch the surface to see the intertextuality between these traits of theirs, and where they might stem from stories told in certain books and movies (emma by jane austen, and james bond spring to mind).

they constantly talk in riddles to each other, in code and in double meanings - they may somewhat understand the general sense of what the other is saying, but it's not categorical and leaves too much room for error or misinterpretation (which, ultimately, it does). it's a constant dance circling each other, ebbing and flowing, pulling in and drawing back, but never coming together properly; it's a quadrille vs. a waltz.

it makes sense that they are so used to finding the most roundabout and convoluted ways to do things, and this continues into s2, because not only is it how it tends to go down in fiction, but also because that's literally how they've had to exist - not only so their closeness isn't detected, or so their true natures aren't suspected by their respective head offices, but also by nature of being literal supernatural creatures living amongst humans - sleeper agents, of a kind - and constantly having to exist without detection.

none of this makes it right, of course not - but i actually don't think they see any other way of going about things. they're so good at it, so well practiced, that (as just two examples) they run verbal rings around gabriel/metatron (book) and beelzebub chattering about the great vs. ineffable plans at the airfield, and they dance around the most straightforward solution to the maggie/nina problem. as for themselves and their relationship, they dont speak plainly to each other until the bandstand or final fifteen... and even then, i feel like its aziraphale that is maybe the first to break and speak plainly? idk:

i think it's clear that crowley is the more scared, and therefore the more cautious, in this regard. for all his objections attempting to distance himself as an angel compared to crowley's being a demon, aziraphale feels to me that he is the more inclined to throw caution to the wind. i think its because crowley understands the danger in blowing their cover a little more than aziraphale does - aziraphale on multiple occasions slips in nearly admitting their closeness (1800, end of 1827 as you pointed out, and when meeting with the archangels in heaven in s1) - and is still stuck in the safety that dancing around what should be plainly said affords them. they both - as you wonderfully put it - aggressively orbit each other, and breaking the holding pattern comes a little too late.

so no, i think your drawing the parallel between the Weird-Ass dynamic in 1793, how they handle the maggie/nina storyline, and then how they behave with each other, is very apt! but its, at this time, arguably all that they've known - acting in this way - and breaking the cycle is starting to happen, but won't pay its dividends until s3✨

[journey-to-balance]

The Beauty of an Ordinary Life.

There is always beauty to be found in a normal ordinary life, but it is more obvious to me than ever in sweet summertime.

I was reflecting yesterday morning on something our family used to do when the children were little; we traveled to different states throughout the United States. The summer road trips were educational, beautiful, and fun, but in many ways, nothing really compared to ordinary life at home for me.

One thing I did love about getting out and exploring, was drawing inspiration from the surrounding landscapes. I remember taking an untold amount of photos of gardens everywhere. They were just so magical. I would daydream about recreating something like that at home someday, to have the ability to make wild arrangements with blooms cut from my own garden.

Today, one aspect of my ordinary life that I certainly don't ever want to take for granted is my pollinator garden. It isn't fancy, and it isn't always well tended to, but I know I simply couldn't fully enjoy it if I weren't spending these long, ordinary summer days at home.

What's more, some of the most enjoyable ordinary aspects of daily living such as a freshly cleaned kitchen, a sudsy bath before bedtime on a 95+ degree day, or sinking into the softness of a comfortable pillow, can be done whether you have your dream home or don't, and whether you have your dream income or don't - simple pleasures are available for everyone to enjoy.

Sometimes I think we're so overstimulated that our brains need no more than the daily simple gifts that God wired us to take pleasure in.

We planted a lot of tomato seeds this year. It's one of my favorite staples to plant, because they're some phenomenal varieties, they crowd out the weeds easily, and I can't think of a day when I don't use them in a meal. Harvesting them in huge quantities feels incredibly abundant.

Of course, I've had periods throughout my life when I haven't been so inspired by homemaking. Maybe I lost my momentum, or my rhythm. Maybe I was physically exhausted or ill, you know, on those days when I simply had to power through.

The homemaking, the ordinary aspects of life that we all have to do, like cleaning up multiple times a day, taking care of the laundry multiple times a week, getting food on the table, all feel like struggle when I am not able to have moments of beauty. For it is beauty that allows me to find the motivation to embrace all of what makes daily existence difficult.

For me, when I'm feeling down, disappointed by something or someone, and maybe not very inspired, something as simple as making a fancier breakfast, something that I've put some extra effort into, can make a difference in my day. Playing soft piano music while cooking, or even lighting a candle can be a game-changer in shifting my perspective regarding my day.

Without question, one of the most tangible, most constant ways to enjoy an ordinary life is by enjoying special food. In fact, If I've learned anything from my experiences traveling abroad over the years is how beautifully some cultures spend time creating wonderful meals, and lingering around them as they engage in conversation.

Somewhere along my career driven trajectory, at least in my little world, I hoped to divorce myself from the rushed, loud, hedonistic and chaotic path I'd followed for so long. But, that's a story for another time.

What I mean to say is, there's no end to what you can be inspired by in your home. Whether it's creating a new garden, trying your hand at baking something new, renovating or reviving a project, spending an evening reading, painting, drawing or writing like me, there's plenty of ways to enjoy these long ordinary summer days at home.

Friends, let those of us who have the privilege of living an ordinary life, especially when we consider that there are countless who have tumultuous, tragic, insecure lives, never take it for granted.

Thanks for reading these ordinary, but joyful words with me. May you find moments to enjoy, relish and savor. Maritza

[citricdolphin]

The accessibility of drawing has been on my mind lately, and I'd like to offer my thoughts on it as a non-artist just barely starting to draw. I feel like whenever I talk to experienced artists about it, it often feels like there's a miscommunication.

The most intimidating thing about learning to draw is that *there is no trick to it.* The only way to get better is to just keep doing it. A lot of it. Like A LOT a lot of it.

This isn't really the case for most learned skills. You can study a language for a day and be able to form a few basic sentences. You can practice lock picking for a day and pick your first lock. You can practice the piano for a day and be able to play a simple tune. You can study programming for a day and be able to write a super simple program.

Obviously you can not get very good at any of these fields without loads of practice, but they all have clear starting points, clear next steps, and a clear sense of progression. The student can quickly get their feet wet and understand the feeling of what the field is like and acquire the very most basic tools.

Drawing just isn't like this. If I practice drawing for a day, there's no clear sense of progression. It doesn't feel like my skills at the end of the day are any better than they were at the beginning. I've drawn a whole bunch of pictures, sure, but it doesn't immediately feel like I've gotten any *better* at drawing them. It dossn't feel like I've picked up discrete and valuable sub-skills, the way I would if I had spent the time learning a different skill.

It seems like no matter who you ask, the conventional advice is always the same: practice. Want to get better at drawing faces? Then draw faces. Draw a lot of faces. Look at your reference image to see what you did right or wrong. Then draw more faces and focus on your weak points. Just keep. Drawing. Faces.

This is really intimidating for a new learner because it feels like such a steep uphill battle just to learn the basics, and also without a sense of direction. There's no obvious starting point. People say to "practice," but what should I practice? If I want to draw arms, but right now I can only draw a cylinder, then what am I to do? How can I practice drawing arms when I don't even know how to draw something that resembles an arm? Yeah, I get that you put basic shapes together to form complex ones, but how do you do that? What if I can't easily tell what shapes make up an object? Almost every guide out there, even those aimed at total beginners, seem to start with the assumption that you can draw at least an extremely basic impression of your model.

When people claim that art is inaccessible, this is what they're talking about. Yes, anybody can learn to draw and become a great artist with time, but the amount of time and effort it takes to hone your craft to a satisfactory level is WAY beyond what it takes to reach a similar level of prowess in other fields. Or at least, that's how it seems to somebody like me with zero experience.

I hope all of you who draw, whether it's huge masterpieces or simple doodles, are proud of your work, because there's people like me *leagues* behind you who *wish* they could draw a cute little doodle. You're all amazing.

[motherfuckermorgan]

sonic superstars thoughts

well twitter might've made the final bozo move that'll effectively kill it so i guess instead of even bothering to update my video games thread i'll just start posting thoughts here, if i've got interesting things to say. ended up having more to say than i thought so this one'll be under a read more

sonic superstars is a weird game where i think it kind of doomed itself in the public's eyes by both being a followup to sonic mania and being a $60 video game. i don't really take into account prices of video games when giving my thoughts on this kind of thing usually, because if you're patient enough you can usually snag them for a good price or you know, sail the seven seas. but i do think it's hard to ignore the jump from a 20 buck game to a 60 buck game. sonic superstars most certainly has more budget behind it, but other than that i'd say right off the bat that this is VERY strongly a "Wait for a sale" type game unless you're an insane sonic head like me.

so like. the thing with this game vs sonic mania. this game is not better than mania. if you're expecting that you're gonna be disappointed. i do still think it's a good classic game! but mania is a tough standard to beat, especially from a team like arzest that admittedly hasn't had the best track record in the world. they don't seem like an untalented studio, but it does seem like they're rarely given the budget or time to squeeze out their full potential. sonic superstars is easily their best effort by far, and it's not even close. the fact that they made a good platformer and not a mediocre one is a damn miracle.

the control and physics are pretty much straight up ripped from mania, which was the right thing to do. there was concerns that this was gonna be a Sonic 4 situation where it feels miserable to control, but nah, you move like you'd expect to in a classic sonic game. this is a HUGE boon to the game because it feels so much better and more authentic than a lot of other 2d sonic games. it's one of the couple of reasons i'd put this over the dimps games, even! not that i have no love in my heart for advance or rush, but mania controlled like a dream and this does too.

the level design is alright, though it definitely feels more safe? there's some fun gimmicks here and there but they don't feel like anything especially crazy. thank fucking god this doesn't have the dimps problem of bottomless pits all over the place, so even if you're playing a bit risky with the drop dash you're more likely to bash your head into spikes than an instakill obstacle.

i will say that the level THEMES are a step above mania, 100%. i love mania but it really is held back by having familiar level themes, reminding you that Green Hill and Chemical Plant exist, and you will never truly be free of them. i think superstars is the first sonic game in years to not reuse level themes (aside from the battle mode, apparently) which, god. even frontiers couldn't resist putting in familiar zone. it's honestly a really cool aspect of this game! i got to play a sonic game where i'd go into a level and it'd be something new! obviously they still follow archetypes like "Grass" "Snow" "Water" etc etc but it's nice to see some sort of attempt at original theming. it's something i respect the team a lot for, given sonic's constant need to draw from the past.

a sour point of the levels is easily the bosses. i think your mileage will vary on these. i didn't think they were That Bad, but other people find them to be complete slogs. you do a good amount of waiting around for the weak point to be exposed, and by the end of the game, some bosses are taking up nearly as much time as the levels themselves, with the final boss being WAY longer. at least i could entertain myself by drop dashing around the arena, but i'd imagine i'd have more fun getting in a constant stream of hits.

the music in this game is also... fine? there's some good tracks in there but there's also a bunch of tracks that are a bit slop. it's mostly the genesis sounding tracks. whenever this game wants to sound like a genesis game it sounds bad. the boss theme being probably the worst song in the game which, given that most people already dont like the bosses, is damning.

i do like the art direction of this game a lot, i think sonic and company look great! i definitely enjoy this look for classic sonic over how he looks in generations/forces. there's a lot of really cute animations for each character as well. there are some pretty cheap looking animations, which i noticed on the game's big flickies the most. i remember hearing a lot of people say the backgrounds felt empty, but i guess i didn't notice it that much? probably easier to get that vibe when you're not zooming across the level.

ive enjoyed my time with this game and im sure i'll continue to enjoy it as i continue to replay it. it's not classic sonic's best, but it's a game that does a lot right, and shows a great improvement for a studio who's track record is typically considered subpar. i will say, after mania, it's hard Not to think superstar's 60 dollar price tag is steep. but i'm sure you'll find your favorite method to not pay that much for this game. well, good luck out there

[synergy-poprocks]

this is LITERALLY one of the reasons I started the DeXL drawing project. I didn't get into it with my first post, but I might as well now. Under the cut because it's a bit ranty:

When I think of AI Art, I think of that one quote from Jane Austin's Emma where Mr. Knightly says, "[Emma] will never submit to any thing requiring industry and patience." It's the same thing with anyone interested in AI. @mewtwoandme said it best above: they're LAZY. They don't WANT to do real art, they want people to THINK they're talented without putting in any of the actual effort required to develop a legitimate talent.

Along with that: any AI bro I've ever met is one of the most wholly unpleasant people to be around. They're rude. They think they know better than you or ARE better than you not just at art, but at other things too. They think they're owed something just by existing when they've never put the work in to receive any real reward, praise, or special treatment.

One such guy comes into my work. We've had to ban him from parts of the store because he'll try to use equipment without our permission. He thinks we can't cut his silly little AI prints as straight as he can. He can't just seem to wrap his silly little head around the fact that no amount of "straight cutting" is going to make his so-called "art" anything more than a cheap imitation of other people's actual hard work and training. Even if the cutting is crooked, that's the least of his problems. His REAL problem is that he evidently has no talent to begin with, nor is he interested in developing it.

If imitation really is "the sincerest form of flattery mediocrity can pay to greatness," then AI bros might as well parade with a banner that says "I'm mediocre!! I'm only interested in the path of least resistance!! Please stay as far away from me as possible!!" Personally, I feel like nothing could be more embarrassing than admitting I'm incapable of developing my talents on my own. Loudly advertising my biggest, most egregious flaws (in the case of an AI Bro, their own laziness) would be humiliating for me.

But that's none of my business, I suppose.

I guess what I'm saying is I'd rather create something with my own hands that doesn't look very nice as opposed to taking someone else's work and tell everyone it's my own. fun fact: that's a crime called ˚✧₊⁎plagiarism⁎⁺˳✧༚

You wanna be good at something!??! WORK FOR IT.

If a child puts some scribbles on a page, it'll make it on the fridge. Not because it's good, but because it's THEIRS. It was made from LOVE. A love of color, a love of the subject, a love of making a mess and containing it on a piece of paper. IT CAME FROM LOVE.

AI isn't born of love, it's born of laziness. I'm in no wise a real artist like my friends or the people I follow, but AI makes me sick.

Every time I report a bot another one appears and now they’re also posting stolen art fed through an Ai generator, the same one taken right off my deviantart

Fuck AI generating pictures, AI is not art, AI is garbage and theft and anyone who believes it is art can unfollow me right now because I will only speak more unkindly about AI from here on out

[jaypsnax]

Alright then, to take it from the top... here’s some things I’ve done here or there for this dang game, from oldest to newest. With a big chunk of months starting with the margin Floofty there. Much is traditional and such, which is not my most practiced medium. Details on each below, just because I like over-explaining and it helps my nerves about posting.

1st: Fairly certain this Gramble is the first thing I did that was OK enough to show. Or, at least close to the first. He was one of my favorites and still is for his kindness(though he also can be really mean and paranoid, also a reason why I like him), so I wanted to get around to em. Also he’s very cute, I love my little malewife. I wanna scoop him up and hold him. Trouble is, Gramble has to have some of the most awkward proportions I’ve yet experienced while trying to draw a grumpus, I swear. That, and the more I looked at it, the more I grew to be unhappy with it. That generally applies to basically all of the drawings from last year, I find them to be “eh” at best. But it is what it is. 2nd: Second up is Flooftyyy, my most favorite. Intelligent, well-spoken, morally ambiguous, NB... and an asshole. But one with a cause they believe in that’s ultimately well intentioned, which they’ll go to self-destructive lengths to fulfill. And it’s clear they struggle to really get a grasp on how to treat people and have learned to cope with their frustration by shutting everyone out and believing them to be ignorant. While still obviously playing favorites between Eggabell and Triffany :p But by the end of the game, they’re learning that in order to really do what they want, they’ve got to really try and understand others. They’re the sort that I’d love to keep following to see their development. The awkwardness, the uncomfortable apologies and attempts at empathizing or opening up, the potential for blossoming relationships and a connection with others that, maybe, they’ve never quite experienced before. Their character is one that’s kind of close to my heart for being interesting and also quite similar to one I made and roleplayed for years. Add in the fact they’re NB and that just sealed the deal, that’s some fucking gender goddamn euphoria right there. So I had to draw them. 3rd: This one also mostly falls under the same explanation as above, except it was an effort as really figuring out grumpus bodies and proportions and stuff. Albeit in the form of solely Floofty, but my mental bandwidth for anything more than a drawing or two at a time is zilch. After that I’m spent. It was the first thing that I felt even marginally satisfied with, however.... I just feel like I’m in danger when looking at it. Like I’m gonna lose my way of things and habits I’ve built now from observing it too closely. Did keep the eyes, however. Kind of. 4th: To be real w you I just felt like drawing a Filbo after seeing a Filbo. He’s cute and I’d put a smooch on his dumb little head. Also more practice w grump stuff, but with some intentional attempts at stylization. I guess it didn’t stick, but who knows, maybe I could pick some of it back up?  5th: THE FIRST NEW DRAWING FROM A FEW DAYS AGO and it’s FLOOFTY, of course. It’s not really the first, there’s a few other things before it, but they suck so... yeah. I’d crawled out of the Bugsnax hole somewhat after a few months and failing to really do anything I actually wanted to do before, but a particular fic conked me right back 6 ft under. Piled the dirt over me and packed it in tight. So here I am again. And not only is it like that, but after binging a whole nearly 60,000 words in a night/morning, I was struck with the inspiration to actually write myself. Or try to, anyway. I have experience in RPing, but not a whole lot in actually... making a story myself. It’s not been going well, but I’ve talked plenty about that already... I’m sure it gets annoying for the whole maybe one person whose seen most of it to witness. And I’m still having fun. I’d mention the fic, but considering it’s NSFW and I’m officially tagging this... I don’t know if they’d want me advertising it as such. But surprise surprise, it’s Floofty related. And don’t get the wrong idea, while it covers explicit subject matter, that’s not entirely the point. Not a bad thing if it were, just that it’s more than that. I just like good character writing over all else, which is something liking this game to begin with heavily reinforced.... 6th: Heeeere’s Gramble, again. I’d been doing some little drawings for character profile stuff in my notebook, but I started to run into some difficulties when I got to him. This here is one of the results of the couple of little draws I did to try and understand. Again, his proportions are so *weird*. He’s just a little guy.... 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th: Here marks the first impulse draw after considering Buddy/Filbo/Beffica poly stuff. As well as the sudden Buddy drawing in general, which came as a big shock to me. These draws are suuuper rough, but I like the concepts. And goodness has this stuff been a whole ‘nother tangent... I did a fair amount of talking about it here. I’d do more, since there were TONS of details I still wanted to mentioned, but... my hands are starting to hurt. So maybe later. I realized that I kinda of messed up their design in my head bc I thought they had more similar teeth to Clumby. Whoops. That’s what I get for not using reference and same with FlooFTY’S TEETH AND THE WATCH NOOOOOOOOOO- .... *Ahem* I reckon the design is subject to change. Gotta make some little adjustment here or there, like maybe different eyes to distinct them from Floofty, but I actually rather... like the look. The hat, tie, and maybe a change to a bag on the side look nice... if totally not canon. But I will have just a little break from canon, as a treat. Otherwise it’s canon or bust. Personally, at least. I don’t really hold others to that standard unless they say they’re trying to follow canon or diverge so badly that a character is unrecognizable.

[shyroism]

Daily Drawing: Day 300!

Three hundred!!! I never thought I'd make it here when I started nearly a year ago. Thank you so much everyone who supported me on my way here!

I have more to say, so keep reading if you're interested.

I picked Miku for 300 because 3 can be read as Mi, of course. But also because Hatsune Miku is one of the first things that got me interested in anime and manga culture, which in turn shaped my interests and my art as a result. In the end, it's all thanks to Miku.

Doing this hasn't been easy. Well, I never expected it to be easy, but still. A lot of the time, I had to fight myself to keep going. I didn't always win, and considering that I'm coming up on my anniversary with only 300 sketches, I missed a lot of days.

Some days, I could barely get out of bed, let alone draw. I've always struggled with depression and anxiety, and this past year has been no different in that regard. It's been hard. It's always been hard.

But I made it. I made it to 300.

I've felt myself improve so much over the course of a year. I sucked at first, I'm not ashamed to admit that. Though I'm hardly a professional artist even now, the amount I've grown is honestly staggering, looking back at it. It's been a real journey.

This isn't the end. I've come too far to stop now.

But I might be changing things a bit. I do feel a little silly calling this 'Daily Drawing' when my schedule's slipped down to being weekly. I've been enjoying putting more time and effort in recently! So I might change the name.

I've been pretty rigid with how I've done things, so I'm thinking of loosening up and just making the content that I want to make from now on. Hope that's okay. Thank you all so much for supporting me. I'm so glad that I've been able to make something that people enjoy. Thank you.

BTW, I may release something else on my actual anniversary, which is the 25th. No guarantees, I'm still thinking about what I want to do. I'll tweet about it at least lol.

Thanks! And look forward to more! ❤

[erintoknow]

what other media, if any (literally anything; interactive fiction, Bioware- or Bethesda-esque RPGs, etc) do you think Ari would be a good fit for?

what other media? hmmm

well i guess in a way i've already decided the answer to this because i picked out ari and a few other character concepts and are reworking them to fit into an original fiction narrative.

it's been incredibly invigorating to get back into a writing project again after spending the last two years tossing around different ideas and concepts - this one seems to be the one that's sticking so far.

oh dear, i've ended up writing quite a bit more then i originally intended for this, but here we go:

i can't really imagine ari as a character being that good a fit for a video game or even like a tv show or something like (despite having spent a non-small amount of time imagining different such scenarios haha) at the same time though, fiction is fiction - what you consider a good fit is going to depend on what specifically you consider essential to the character, so let's see...

fiction, or i suppose potentially interactive fiction as well, is kind of the one medium that allows the closeness to a character's interior narrative that feels core to making ari stand out in my mind.

i don't think she could support being a lead character without that close lens. dropped into a video game or movie or some other medium, i think you'd get wildly different impressions of her depending on if she was part of the central cast and afforded space (at least in a narrative sense) to drop her guard, or if she was limited to specific section or like 'side quest.' It'd be the difference between seeing a stoic 'action hero' esque figure, a fragile emotional mess underneath that, or a character desperate for love yet utterly afraid of it underneath that.

of course, this is true for all characters in fiction isn't it? the amount of space the narrative affords them determines how well they can be examined or well, characterized, within the core text. different character concepts are better suited for different roles, and which roles those may be can also be dependent on the medium at hand

so then, i'd say - if you want to lean into ariadne's interior psyche drama you want the close perspective only really possible in written fiction imo; if you want more emphasis on action, on ari's outside world relationship, a more visual-based medium like a tv show might be suitable.

hmm actually, a graphic novel in particular would be very hit or miss i think, a traditional approach i think would be pretty boring, but if you had someone willing to get really experimental with page layout and visuals to convey experience through nonverbal means... that could be interesting?

jumping back to video games for a second because now i'm in full on 8am ramble mode and i am going to make 0 effort to edit or clean this up – video games are pretty unique in our forms of media in their ability to use audience interaction to further draw them into the fantasy of the story being told - i mean, really this the whole appeal that otherwise extremely weak narrative series like bioware rpgs right? they manage to have such a profound emotional effect on us as player/audience because we allow ourselves to be drawn into the fantasy that we aren't just watching or reading events unfold but are actively participating in them ourselves. there's absolutely ways you could work with that for ariadne's character concept, i think? i still think she'd be better utilized as not a main character in such a conceit, but a character you have to choose to work to get to know, maybe? probably in some way that ideally comes back later in the game to have repercussions either in revealed information or character actions to represent / respect the work that was or wasn't put into befriending the character.

so uh, to summarize, i think you could take this character and jam her into just about anything with a bit of work and she'd still be mostly recognizable - but it's really only with the close pov of written narrative that she stands out (with the visual element of graphic fiction making it a potential runner up here if you got someone willing to go nuts with it)

an interactive fiction story feels a little too close to her origin as a FHR fanfic character for me to feel comfortable going that route - but objectively i suppose that could work pretty well too? it's just not an angle i'm interested in exploring with the character - if i were to write an interactive fiction story, i already know which concept i'd want to roll with for that. the Grey Painter by William Loman (which is a fantastic piece of horror fiction imo and deserves more love) is a great example of the kind of direction i was already thinking of going with: a character with several preset characteristics in a preexisting relationship with another character, navigating a situation --- i'm digressing now though

considering i am a writer and prefer written narrative (books are so good!!! please check out Hell Followed with Us by Andrew Joseph White or The Girls I've Been by Tessa Sharpe), am actively writing one rn, and developed the original version of the character as part of a written narrative fan fiction, i can't say i'm surprised at my own conclusion haha

[goodluckclove]

On Being Seen

I'll warn you in advance, friends and colleagues - I might not have quite an optimistic take on this one. In advance I'll say that I'm totally all right, there's no need to comfort or fawn or worry. It's just been a pretty crazy couple of days and it's sort of left me in a kind of perturbed state of mind.

I feel as if I've developed a reputation on Writeblr as someone strongly supportive of other writers through their struggles and successes, and I figure it might be useful to see that I speak as someone who has their fair share of doubts. Consider it a show of neurosis that supports me as your steadfast advocate in creative growth and potential.

I'll put it under a read more. It's nothing triggering I don't think, I'm just a little embarrassed to have it fully visible under what I still consider to be a relatively professional space. Or at least a space for me as a professional whose brand involves not being very professional.

Nevertheless.

I debated for a long time self-publishing Blind Trust. I went back and forth every so often for weeks, and my poor wife had to deal with the brunt of my strange excuses not to do it. It really came down to one big question, which was...why?

Why am I publishing this? And for money, no less? That's weird. Why would anybody support that? It wouldn't deter me from writing if I never published any of the Songbird Elegies. I'd still write them. I've been writing stories for almost 20 years that no one has ever read and no one will probably ever read.

Sure, I have the fantasies of relative cult notoriety. People making fanart of my characters and sharing weird memes about my plot points. Finding comfort in the words and stories I've created to comfort myself. When I was still considered schizoaffective my dad gave me a copy of Flow My Tears the Policeman Said by Philip K. Dick and said that he was "like us". If that happened to someone else with one of my books it would mean the world to me.

Then again, would it? Because in my actual, real, physical life I am terrible at taking praise. It's like trying to catch a ball from the other side of a brick wall. If you ever pass me on the street I'm guaranteed to be wearing soundproof headphones and blasting music to keep anyone from talking to me. You might catch my eye and I'll smile and nod, maybe toss a compliment your way, but if you try to have a conversation and I do not know you I will absolutely just keep walking. I can't do it.

I love people and I'm terrified of people. It's always been this way.

It's easier online. I mean it when I say that I'm open to anyone here just starting a conversation with me about anything. There's already the unspoken assumption that we're all already weird, so I don't have to think too hard about your motivations. But still, large amounts of praise and positive reinforcement make me deeply uncomfortable. I've been trying to work on that for years, but I find most advice on building self-worth deeply unhelpful.

It's not like I'd prefer hate. I think I'm just not used to being noticed either way.

This is the first time I've made an honest effort to put my work, and by proxy myself (all writers are brands now, says the publishing industry as a whole) on display online. And for the most part it's been great! I enjoy the connections I've made here. The promise of making more. There are so many skilled storytellers here that it gives me a lot of hope and excitement for the future of literature.

But it's weird. It's really weird.

Most of the time I see it as another social media client. I stand by the posts I make and do them for fun, but I also do them to maintain a presence and draw in more attention. I studied to do things like this for work before. I picked like three social media management tactics that I thought I could remember when I was 18 and just stuck by them. And then occasionally I go oh wait. This isn't some nonprofit. This isn't a start-up for tech assholes. This is me.

And that's weird.

It's not a massive following I have, but it's more than I've ever had before under my own personal and creative writing. I published short stories and articles, but I never heard anything from them. There are short stories I have on online journals that I genuinely do not know if anyone has read. Here, I see people like things and I'm like huh. I feel like a mummy or a ghoul. I do not understand what people are doing.

One part of my brain takes this information and says that it's probably proof that when I publish Blind Trust, some people will buy it. People have expressed interest already. Which means they're probably interested, I think. I post excerpts of my writing and people seem to enjoy it enough to click a button or leave a comment. That's cool. I don't get why it happens, but it's very cool and it makes me happy.

At the same time there's this undercurrent of paranoia. I don't get it. And I don't think I ever will. That's essentially been my only coping mechanism for publishing at this point - I don't know if it'll work, but I might as well try and if I do something will probably happen.

I know I'm a writer. At this point it would be ridiculous to say I wasn't. I'm a professional, working writer, and experienced enough to know that saying all that doesn't say much in terms of quality.

Am I a good writer? I don't really know what that means. I like Blind Trust. I'm reading it for the fourth time as I edit it again and I genuinely enjoy it. So someone who thinks like me and has similar tastes to myself might feel the same way. I don't really know who that person might be. Statistically I imagine they have to exist somewhere. And that there's at least a handful of them.

Imposter Syndrome is real and I don't think it ever goes away. I'd like to think that it's one of those things where you think about it less and less, and this is just the first night in maybe five months that I'm really thinking about it.

I'm not expecting to make a ton of money off my first book. In fact, I probably will be sick from anxiety with any purchase I get for the first year, because it means that someone spent human money on writing I am happy to just give them for free.

But this is going to be my job. I want this to be my job so I can spend more time doing it. Because I've dedicated so much time to doing all of this, it means I get to spend a lot of my day getting other writers to write even a little bit of their own stories. And that's so important to me.

I don't know. I don't really have a neat end to this. I'm forcing myself to actually follow through with posting it, and then to continue keeping it up even though it feels incredibly vulnerable to be, in my opinion, this self-indulgent and whiny. It's insecure. I'm still insecure. I'm in therapy and on medication and there's more shit I got to do in life.

Still, I'm telling myself that my version of being a Professional Writer is to showcase emotional pitfalls like this. Newer writers might know that you can sometimes have a night where you might not be in despair, per say, but certainly deep confusion, and then come back the next day and keep on working. I stand by what I mean when I say that the craft should not be entirely miserable. It is still maybe 25% inconvenient to me, and I am currently in that less-desirable quarter.

So what am I doing? Wife got us Jersey Mike's, so I had a yummy sandwich. Kafka is sitting on my calves, just behind my laptop monitor. I'm listening to my soul/funk playlist while Wife plays Hell Divers for the first time. Later we're going to play a board game.

But for now, I'm going to keep editing my goddamned novel.

Blind Trust out in June. Get ready people, because I'm not.

[donutloverxo]

My moon and stars

**not my gif**

Please note that my work is not to be reposted or published anywhere other than my Tumblr or AO3 account without my permission. Reblogs are most welcome though!

Note - this is for @our-marvel-universe's birthday! I'm so sorry I'm late and that I'm bad at summaries.

Divider by @writeyourmindaway

Date posted - 26-08-20/Wed

Summary - Steve swoops in and saves your birthday with some stargazing and confessions.

Pairing - Steve Rogers x reader

Word count - 1386

Masterlist is linked in the bio!

You groaned as another person bumped into you, spilling a good amount of their drink on you. They didn't even bother apologizing, probably thinking that you're just a nobody, even though this was your party.

You had never had a huge birthday bash before or tons of presents, you were so naively excited when Tony told you he was throwing you one and inviting the whole city. You felt for some reason, they're here because they care for you or the super hero work you do everyday.

You couldn't be more wrong. Most of them didn't even know you. Your own family and friends, other than the Avengers had failed to show up. Now you could only look at the crowd of people and shake your head in disappointed.

Resisting the urge to punch Tony in his stupid face when he so smugly asked, 'You like the party?'

You would've, despite everything, but he wasn't here. He was gone on some stupid mission. Not that you cared that much. He wasn't yours, he didn't need to wish you a happy birthday or attend your party. You still couldn't help but hold out hope that you'd both stop dancing around each other.

No longer interested in the party where even the people you knew were completely drunk you made your way over to your favorite part of the compound.

You held on to your jacket a little tighter as you shivered, the wind messing up your fancy hairstyle. You looked up at the sky to see so many twinkling stars and beautiful colors, something you don't get in cities. You wouldn't trade this view for anything.

You instantly became alert when you heard someone stand behind you. You looked over your shoulder to see the man of your dreams, your captain, someone you had a hopeless schoolgirl crush on.

"Hey." Was all he said giving you a pathetic wave as you huffed.

Folding your hands over your chest you asked "Where were you? You didn't even tell me you were leaving. Not - not that I'd care why would I?" You stammered as you feared you had just accidentally revealed your deepest secret. "You're not that important Steve!" You yelled in an effort to backtrack.

He furrowed his brows before giving you a stupidly handsome smile, "I'm so sorry doll. But I'm here now. Tell me how I can make it up to you."

"Whatever. It doesn't matter." You said dejectedly as you turned around to lean against the railing and continue your stargazing.

"I just knew you'd be here when I didn't see you at the party.” He mumbled under his breath as he stood next to you. You could see him staring at you through your peripheral vision. “What’s wrong kid?”

You winced at the nickname. That’s what he thought of you, that’s all you’ll ever be to him. A Kid. Over the months, you had tried your best to act like an adult, taking some tips from Maria and Nat, to be cool and non-chalant, you doubted he’ll ever change his mind and think of you as a woman or a possible romantic partner.

You shook your head which only made him probe further. “Doll. You’re sulking on your own birthday. You can talk to me.” He assured you putting his hand over yours.

The warmth of his palms and his finger drawing patterns on the back of your hand felt so familiar and comfortable. You tried looked for his sparkly blue eyes best you could in the dark, his pupils blown wide.

“I used to think... I know this is childish but I thought - I don’t know people appreciated me putting my life on the line everyday. And that’s not why I do it obviously.” You had to clarify. You could pretend to hate him but you never wanted him to have a low opinion of you. “It’s just sad that no one sees the work that I do while you’re all so well known and beloved. It’s sucks to be a female avenger I guess” You shrugged.

He gave you an understanding smile and walked a step closer to you as you tried to calm your heartbeat. “I understand. It’s not childish. You deserve to be appreciated. And I can think of at least a couple hundred people who’re thankful to you. All the lives you’ve saved. You make the world a better place.”

“I don’t know how true that is.”

“Well you make my world better just by being here.” He argued.

“Steve,” You shook your head, “You can’t just say things like that! I’m not – it gives me false hope.”

“False hope?” He repeated cocking his head to the side. “I only ever speak the truth sweetheart. In fact I think it’s time for your gift.” He pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket and handed it to you.

You frowned as you tried to read the paper in the low lightening. “Oh... Steve.. you named a star after me?” You looked up at him to see him sheepishly scratch his neck. “That’s so romantic.” You sighed dreamily holding the document close to you.

“I asked around and Bruce told me I could do that. I could even get you a piece of moon but this felt more appropriate. I know how much you love stars.”

He rambled on about the whole process and how his assistant helped him, hoping you wouldn’t see notice how red he was. His gift wasn’t completely selfless. He had an objective, to make you his forever and ever. But he was too scared to ruin the relationship you two did have and lose a precious friend.

Bucky’s words echoed in his head ‘Real men can admit their feelings.’

He cleared his throat “I was hoping –“ he was cut off by your cool lips pressing against his, stealing his breath away. His hands naturally went to your waist to pull you closer to him, his taut body craving the warmth of your soft one.

You pulled away after a beat and blinked up at him. “Oh god, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think I thought...”

“No no I liked it. In fact I was hoping to do that.” His fingers traced the outline of your lips.

“Good.” You nodded not sure of what to say next. But it felt better to just not say anything at all and look back up at the beautiful sky in comfortable silence.

Until the whole team decided to ambush you from, you heard Clint and a drunk Tony sneaking up on you, they really weren’t as sneaky as they thought but you still humored them by acting surprised.

“What the hell girrrl? We’ve been looking everywhere for you. But then I was like we can just ask FRIDAY! So we did.” Tony grinned proudly as his words slurred.

You took the beer bottle away from him “Yeah I’m going to cut you off now.”

“What were you doing here though?” Clint asked and you said something about needing air.

Steve couldn’t help but stare at you as you talked to the rest of the team. Feeling a bit of jealousy and even frustration that they all had to interrupt the precious moment you both shared.

“Did you do it punk?” Bucky asked slapping a hand on his shoulder to get his attention.

“Uh yeah. I mean I didn’t – she did.” He replied lowly so no one else could find out just yet.

“Of course she did.” Steve frowned as his oldest friend clutched his stomach, laughing loudly at him. “After all these years you still haven’t changed.” He shook his head and all Steve could do was smile. “I’m happy for you.” He said and meant it, so proud of his friend.

When Steve was finally able to get you alone, glad that your mood had gotten considerably better, you even seemed to be a bit buzzed from the booze.

“You were right Steve.” You said holding onto his arm treating him like your own personal heater as the night got cooler. “Everyone who matters to me does appreciate me. Especially you.” You leaned up on your tippy toes to peck his lips before scurrying off to tell everyone about the star named after you.

Tags will be in the reblog! Click the link in the bio to be join the taglist or shoot me an ask/dm. Comments and feedback are really appreciated! ❤❤