His Immortal
Permission to use art from the INCREDIBLY talented @vanerchest. Feeling very honoured! I think about this piece often whenever I write Alucard angst.
C/W: Alucard (Ultimate) x senior!Reader, angst, on death and dying, hospital setting, hurt/no comfort, shadow writing.
Inspired by the legendary song "My Immortal" by Evanescence
Words: 998
You supposed you were the one who was selfish for choosing this mortal fate and leaving your greatest love behind.
Did you regret this path? Sometimes you thought perhaps you did. There would have been tons to gain by becoming an ageless vampire at his side, and on occasion, you used to speculate 'what if?'
It didn't matter. It was far too late to backtrack anyways, and it would be an insult to do so, after living such a beautiful, full lifetime spent with Alucard, teeming with precious memories and magical experiences. He aged with you through the decades –at least he made it so his appearance did.
But as with all mortals who lived long enough, you too eventually grew very old, frail, and sick. Your body betrayed you and no longer belonged to you. It didn't obey when you wanted to walk, speak, eat, or even breathe.
So here you lay in a hospital bed, intubated and sedated, machines replacing the function of vital organs while multiple drugs dripped nonstop to hold you captive in this realm. What a sight you made, with tubes protruding from every corner on your skeletal form.
Your body may have failed, but fortunately you never developed dementia. Your mental faculties were as crisp as the night you met so long ago. A piece of you was still buried within, floating from above and somehow aware of the happenings around you in your comatose state.
The various alarms and buzzing were only background noises by now, and there was little commotion this time as well, but you felt a sense of relief. Sighing inwardly, you wished Alu would leave your side for a moment so you could just die already, though you knew that was an empty hope. The vampire had not parted from the bedside your entire stay.
Was he scaring the nurses by crying again? You hoped he'd remember to make them forget this time. And not to terrorize the staff and force them to do whatever it took anymore. You recalled the time you surfaced with another set of thick tubes in your neck and groin, and how painful they were. How frightening it was.
"You must live," he whispered to you at night at first. For his sake. So you did, trapped in the confines of your weathered shell, you continued to exist for him, slowly spiralling downhill until now.
With any other man, you'd be helpless to communicate in your vegetative state, but Alucard had never been as mediocre as 'normal.' So you begged him through telepathy. After all these years, reaching for his mind was as easy as sifting through your own thoughts, as natural as breathing (well, back when you were still able to do so independently). You implored him again to let you go. You were terminal and old, with no hope for recovery or any good prognosis. Being connected to every form of life support was not life, just a sad fate that prolonged your suffering and delayed your inevitable expiration.
Long ago, he promised not to let you suffer.
Alu, please don't make them bring me back again when my heart stops.
The weary, congested muscle thudded weakly towards failure. You were already dead in every way except you still possessed vital signs. The numbers were just evidence of the drugs, transfusions, and machines at work though.
The irony wasn't lost on you. At the end of the road, after declining his many offers to turn you when you were a maiden, you were finally just like Alucard, the living dead. You'd laugh if you could.
...More than anything, you didn't want him to see you like this, a husk of the vibrant woman you once were when you fell for each other. The unlikely circumstances of your meeting and scenes from your life flashed by in an instant. The vampire would tell you throughout the decades, when he'd get in one of his romantic moods, that you'd always be his sprightly young woman no matter your age. He actually only told you again yesterday. Or was it last week?
How long have you been laying here?
The mind's eye saw his seated figure clearly and smiled. Actually, your tired mind pondered, you certainly did not regret a moment of your life with Alucard. He was the perfect partner and his unchecked devotion never gave you a reason to regret choosing him. Your lifespan was too short for that, he used to tell you.
But you regretted leaving him behind to be alone once more.
--------------------
Your heart stopped. And he loved you enough to let you go.
You were free.
Your spirit lifted from the prison of your flesh and you soared, wrapping around your love with your incorporeal form, sinking into him and caressing the unbeating heart that had ever belonged to you. This time, you wiped away the blood tears that fell.
You quivered.
Liberated from the pains and illnesses of advanced age, it was as if you'd become new and for the first time ever, like the fog lifted and you could finally see with clarity. Your non-existent chest tightened at the sight of your love crushed by your death, looking utterly devastated and lost. There was no sobbing or outward breakdown, but you knew his expressions well.
Nebulous fingers smoothed over inky black locks while you cradled his cheek. Glistening eyes the colour of polished rubies stared blankly at your lifeless corpse, your chest still rising and falling mechanically before the ventilator was turned off. He could not feel your soothing touch anymore and it broke you.
...
You will watch over your vampire from above and wait for him for the rest of your eternity, until he returned to dust and was no more. Then you'd meet him wherever he ended up. Just as he was, you were bound by the life you left behind.
And even if he was unaware, he still had all of you.
~End~
(For more angsty romance, check out my one-shot “Without You” on AO3. Warning: Smut abounds in that one. It is about the occasion when Reader chooses to remain human for her remaining days with Alucard. You will find similar themes to this short scene)
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I wanted to add on to this ask done by an anon on ST confessions, because they are so right and they made something click in my brain. Do go read it before you read this.
First, off, heavy agree that Fall for Me is designed to be a lonely song, both lyrically, and quite smartly, musically. In every single other song Sleep Token has ever done there is music. There is noise, always. Even in times where there should be silence, there never is any. Instead, it's filled by sounds of birds, a taught guitar chord or chewing and biting.
Fall for Me, however, is utter silence. There's no musical reply. No SFX, no subtle drums or bass; no nothing. It's the one of the few songs (along with Missing Limbs, Take Aim and Drag me Under) in which Vessel directly addresses the love he holds for this person. It's not layered in metaphors, prose and an eloquent vernacular, it's straightforward. While his poetry in other songs is used to draw Them in, decorate his love and entice Them, he's done with getting nothing. He wants to be an equal, a lover, but he gets naught.
The reason why, other than the obvious choice of acapella instead of instruments, the song feels so lonely is because it's the only song- overall- that he doesn't get a response to. Sugar is the response to The Offering, Say That You Will is the response to Take Aim etc., but here? Cold, dead silence. No gesture in tongues, no crushing 'affection'; no nothing.
So, to the rhythm of eternity, he will be on that beach, stumbling, crawling and shouting out the same question that he will never get an answer to; won't you fall for me?
However, even though, unlike most songs that get an answer within their album, Vessel gets one in the next. Take Me Back To Eden, therefore, becomes the answer to that question. As well as Vessel's action against it.
@lifemod17 saw you reblog the ask as well, thought you might like this :]
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fun fact: i hate sleep - like i actually hate the whole act of lying down in the dark and trying to go to sleep. my brain, without distraction, is an asshole that makes me count random numbers or feel the need to overthink every single breath i take. then has the audacity to try and convince me that i'm never going to function normally again so i stress out until i do finally drift off - only to wake up the next morning feeling tired and like an idiot for actually believing that i was losing my mind to and endless cycle of thoughts about cake or some other dumb shit.
i don't know if this post makes any sense, i'm tired and annoyed and if they ever invent a pill to make it so you never have to sleep again, i want to be at the front of the line.
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