#i’ve rewatched this episode too many times just ignore my ramblings

[slozhnos]

i think the most heartbreaking moment in childish things is winn and kara’s conversation at the docks bc like “no, you don’t really need me.” bit hurts me so much every time

[which-hospital]

Aftershock (06/01/24)

I submitted my final essay for last semester a couple days ago and I finally feel free. If anyone has been paying attention to my real life notes at the start of posts, you’ll have noticed that I’ve been stressing about but not writing my essays for over a month now. Things are suddenly so peaceful. I have learnt nothing about not procrastinating. 

This was supposed to be a normal episode review for last week but devolved into all my Casualty thoughts from the past couple days so like, spoilers for this week and next week at the end and a bit of rambling in the middle. I’m at a weird place with Casualty right now because we’re inching towards me just ignoring canon and pretending that what should’ve happened is happening instead. 

Part 1 - Episode Thoughts:

Goodbye Ryan. Who can say why they gave you and told us your backstory? As he’s leaving he tells them not to forget him and it’s like……..this is Casualty?? The moment you walk out that door, you were never here in the first place. I don’t feel incredibly caught up about him leaving, he was problematic but he was free and I suppose I have to give him that. 

Hello Ngozi. Basically all opposites here: I can’t wait to learn more about her, I will never forget her, I love her, she is perfect and can do no wrong. No thoughts, head empty, just Ngozi. She’s so !!!!! <3 She seems lovely, I’ve been missing ‘lovely from their intro’ characters. I think she has more experience than the others which is interesting too. 

Charlie is a lot more interesting right now than he has been in the whole time I’ve ever watched Casualty. I thought it was because I’ve been watching series 1 (special interest fuel but not as distracting as rewatching recent episodes so I can do other stuff while it’s on) and he’s more interesting in that because they had to actually write a character and couldn’t get away with just dragging him on screen and going “it’s Charlie bros, like if you agree”. But his scene with Ryan was as boring as ever so I think it’s just the influence of Stevie. 

[On the largely unrelated note of old Casualty: it’s super interesting how many of the current plot points and stuff that’s happening in A History of Violence also happened in series 1. Early Casualty has the issue of staff being attacked but no one wants the police around and I’m wondering if this current storyline will be as overtly anti-police as series 1 was. Also, spoilers for this week but the paramedics feel like the new measures haven’t considered them at all, and series 1 Casualty has an episode where the paramedics aren’t included in a meeting and one of them (PLAYED BY ROBERT PUGH AKA GETHIN) feels like the paramedics aren’t being treated like the rest of the staff.]

Faith Stuff™. I am still not interested, please end this Mr BBC. 

Part 2 - Mostly Episode Relevant Teddy Thoughts:

Objectively: It was an episode. He got with Jodie, which probably isn’t that out there. It sure happened.

Subjectively, the good: “Cutting me out of it like that, it shows what she thinks of me” is a great line for exactly what I think is the real issue Teddy has with Jan right now. The wedding is off and Paige acknowledged the issues in their relationship, which is about time. Teddy and Paige were cute in that episode where Teddy is stressing about asking her out but probably doomed from the start. The problems I think they both bring to a relationship aren’t incredibly compatible problems, it was only a matter of time before things started to implode (IF SAH WAS THERE, THOUGH…). I really, really liked how surprised Teddy seems to be that Paige isn’t happy that he only asked her to marry him because Gethin told him to. Yeah, he would be surprised. So many things in his life, if you really think about it, come back to his family (“it’s why I became a paramedic”) to the point that I do think he wouldn't get why it would weird someone out. I also liked that Paige and Sah really don't get how he’s feeling at all, I think what he’s feeling is very specific and different than typical grief and it’s not their fault they can’t really figure out what’s up there because I don’t think he knows either.

Subjectively, the bad: but I didn’t like that ~Jodie understands it~ or whatever. Why? Because her mum died? Well Casualty, I regret to inform you of your own writing, but so did Paige’s mum. Not even as a backstory thing, as a plot thing. I won’t ever be happy about this because I’m ride or die for Sah/Teddy/Paige now, they’re the only thing that could make me happy. Even with just Sah/Teddy it’s like, I wouldn’t actually want them together despite how much I talk about them. They’re my two bros chilling in an ambulance, five feet apart because they have unresolved issues. The Sah and Teddy scene was a let down but whatever (thinly veiled annoyance). Generally, as I said before, it feels like this episode brushed past some interesting ideas but just failed to go there and didn’t let any of the ideas it established sit before having Teddy cheat on Paige (I’m counting it as cheating cause I can). 

Subjectively, the overanalysis: firstly, there’s pacing problems. I think the fact that they didn’t spend enough time developing Teddy’s feelings really didn’t help his part of this episode. One episode exploring Teddy’s feelings about it all, developing that a little, looking into what’s going on underneath and how no one really understands it. Let it rest a bit. Another one for the impact on his relationships, he (ugh) gets with Jodie. I still wouldn’t love it but I think it would feel better developed. Secondly, I just think they underuse the best parts of Teddy to focus on the dramatic parts. They have him do things that aren’t theoretically OOC but are just the most extreme thing he could do and it’s a waste. And they focus on this romance storyline (which they already ruined the moment they decided not to make it a polyamory storyline) that just isn’t that interesting as much as it is dramatic. The most interesting thing about Teddy right now is Jan. With most characters, to say that the most interesting thing about them is a different character would be insulting, but I mean it as a massive compliment to how well written their relationship is and how well they integrated Teddy into Jan’s character, considering he definitely wasn’t part of their original plan for her. I’m sure they will do an episode about Teddy and Jan, because if they don’t that is terrible writing, but I wish this one had given us more on his feelings towards her and about his family than it did. That’s what’s interesting. There’s so many angles to come at this from, there’s so many potential layers to their relationship. But no, they have to have uninteresting romance. If an autistic person with a special interest on a character is bored by the portrayal of that character, that isn’t a great sign. He is very interesting to me but not for reasons canon cares to consider. 

Part 3 - Spoiler Thoughts:

I want to be excited about this week's episode but I’m not sure after last week. I am excited for a Sah and Teddy interaction of actual substance, though. Very excited. That will make or break the episode for me. Will skip straight to it when I watch.

TEDDY INSISTS THAT HE DOESN’T WANT SAH TO LEAVE. MY BELOVEDS.

Lots of paramedic stuff which is good, Jan’s back which is good. Always questioned the use of Sah’s top surgery as a plot device, especially when they used it to create tension between them and Paige (??????), but I am kinda like noooooo about them having Teddy be dismissive about it. Yes, it is just my take on his character that this is an important thing about him, and Yes, he is gonna apologise. But they can’t blame me for caring about Teddy consistently being there for Sah on this when they’ve made so many other characters be vaguely or explicitly transphobic to them and only had Teddy be consistently on their side. YOU CAN’T BLAME ME FOR CARING ABOUT THAT. Teddy in my head would never and he’s the real one now. 

Do I think Sah is gonna leave? Maybe. I’ve been expecting them to leave during this miniseries for a couple reasons, even though that means we have a lot of characters leaving in a few months, but I thought it would happen later on. And two exits in two weeks is a lot. If they leave it’s like, I will absolutely miss them but it feels kinda like the writers don’t know what to do with them anymore anyway. Sah in my head lives on with Teddy in my head. 

Next week’s episode will have Max and Dylan stuff AND an acknowledgement of Donna?? I am kinda excited to see that, even if it will bring back my annoyance at how they wrote Donna’s exit.

Anyway, I’m back to being able to think about Casualty all the time without it having a direct effect on my real life obligations so expect more posts and faster replies for at least a month.

Can you tell I’ve been watching Succession?

[ananke-xiii]

S12 Rewatch: the good, the okay, the bad and the ugly.

Okay, my spn s12 rewatch is complete! Time to recap!

The good:

American Nightmare: very good episode, compelling weaving of the American Gothic theme and the season’s overarching theme of family&love. David Perez has brilliantly written Magda as both Sam and Dean’s mirror, not an easy task but he managed it and it works perfectly. I very briefly touch upon it here.

Celebrating the Life of Asa Fox: delicious, delicious episode. I love Steve Yockey because he must hate the bunker as much as I do. I might be wrong but I think that in almost all of his episodes our fearless brothers are out and about, meeting new characters, expanding the horizon of the show outside the bunker’s confines. This ep in particular is close to perfection, I love it. Me rambling about it here.

The Raid: good rhythm, solid acting, dialogues are on point, Bob Berens did well with this episode. More thoughts here.

The Memory Remains: very good episode. Everything is thematically and logically weaved. Ketch sends Sam and Dean on a case as an excuse to raid their bunker. The case turns out to be about legacies&families and it’s a beautiful dark mirror to the Winchesters’ family history. I LOVED the imagery of the monster hidden in the basement, the meat plant as a horror setting, the tragedy that befalls those who don’t follow normative rules (the two kids that die in the episode are clearly coded as queer). The alternation between the BMoL’s scrounge of the bunker and the brothers investigating the case is very cool: both storylines give us a deeper insights into Sam and Dean’s life. John Bring wrote a very good episode. I wish he had written more of them!

The Future: I’m listing this episode here exclusively for Amanda Tapping’s directing choices. This episode is beautiful, the scenes are framed in a way that’s aesthetically pleasing to me. I think she managed to bring out more than the script was calling for. Actually, I think she managed to “save” the script where it’s weak. I just don’t understand why she made Sam and Dean look so gigantic compared to Cas, lol. Okay, it’s always like this but in this episode the Winchesters are… alarmingly bigger than usual. As far as the writing is concerned, I’m not sure I like Berens’ penchant for fanfic gaps. I’m okay with the “mixtape handover” missing scene, but what about Cas knowing that a. Sam and Dean actually have the Colt, b. Dean has stored the Colt under his pillow? I mean, he was in Heaven and ignored their calls so I’m guessing he knew about the Colt via Dean’s messages. But what about the frigging pillow? He went to Dean’s room sure to find it there. Sam didn’t even know it was there so how could Cas? What happened in those two weeks between “The Raid” (when Sam found the Colt in the BMoL’s base) and “Between Heaven and Hell” (when Cas was seduced by Kelvin and went back to Heaven?). And Dean has the Colt with him in “The Memory Remains”!Too many questioooooons, I AM CONFUSION, BERENS EXPLAIN!

The okay:

The Foundry: I liked the MoTW and how it’s entwined to the family theme, it’s believable and doesn’t feel forced. I liked the frostbite imagery, Berens doesn’t miss a beat and always reminds us that Mary was unjustly fridged.

Lily Sunder Has Some Regrests: ngl, very cool episode. But I feel like there was a little bit too much, a little bit too suddenly. I LOVE angel lore and this episode will forever be one of my favorites but it’s left me with more questions than explanations. Some of them are here.

Regarding Dean: the MoTW had huge potential but it wasn’t explored that much, it was more white noise in the background than anything else, which shame cause witches are cool. Nonetheless, okay episode, more here.

Stuck in the Middle (With You): this is another favorite episode of mine and probably the one that I’ve re-watched the most. It’s cool like that. But I don’t like Crowley’s ascension to the throne story/retcon. I think it cheapens the character. And why did he go to Ramiel? Back then there were two more princes of hell, why him specifically? Doesn’t make sense to me. And why did he go to him with three gifts like The Three Wise Men in One? Okay it serves as a huge red flag to Crowley’s unemotional demise. Still, me not likey.

Rock Never Dies: This episode has great potential but it feels so subdued to me. Even the actors’ performances are so lukewarm that the only one that stands out is the one from the guy playing Vince Vincent. Maybe that was the point, who knows. The pacing seems off to me and the characters are too defeated for an episode that’s so early in the season. But I loved seeing the brothers in black leather jackets so this goes to the “the okay” list :P.

Who We Are: I have mixed feelings about this episode. I think it’s one of those that are salvaged by the actors’ performances. This time they all brought their A-game, therefore the episode is okay. But I’m not sure how I feel about Sam leading some hunters with whom he has no relationship at all (and two of them killed him and his brother) to go and basically assassinate other humans. I dig the whole leader!Sam that Dabb was trying to unsuccessfully pull off during his tenure as showrunner. But it was weak. And coward since, in the end, it’s not Sam who cold- bloodedly kills Dr. Hess but Jody. I’m listing it in the “okay” really just because of the actors’ performances. The pacing was quite good too. Sam and Dean’s scene where they’re talking about how they thought they were going to die “blaze of glory” style is a veeeery good scene. I love it.

Twigs & Twine & Tasha Banes: cool episode, the parallels are paralleling and the themes are theming. I just wish they hadn't used the trite excuse “Cas is missing, Dean is depressed, let’s distract him with a case”. It’s a little bit lazy writing at this point because they’ve deployed this device several time by now (and they will use it again, alas!). I also wish they had showed us Sam and Dean talking about the BMoL with Max and Alicia cause, you know, they’re hunters and this is one of the main storylines of the season? Apart from that, solid episode.

Ladies Drink Free: Mixed feelings for this episode, too. I love Claire but I think the actress was not at the top of her game in this episode. I’d also loved at least a mention of Castiel, cause you know. But nothing, okay! And the girl’s death and possible Claire’s death too as fodder for Mick’s man pain? Mmm I’m not happy about that. Despite all this, the episode is still quite okay thanks to many “little” things such as Claire saying that that’s her life and she gets all the votes, Claire calling Sam an old skeezer (lol), Sam being quite excited by Kendrick’s largest collection of occult in the world and Dean skinny-dipping in the three-star hotel’s swimming pool. All the small things, as Blink 182 used to sing. All these small things make the episode enjoyable to watch.

The bad:

Keep Calm and Carry On: it’s a meh season opener. The only good thing is Mary and that’s it. I don’t get why they wasted two episodes on Toni Bevell and Ms Watt and then they backtracked and decided to have Mick and Ketch in their stead (also boo-hoo for the everlasting whitedudeism). I can understand Lady Bevell as she was in s11 last ep but Ms Watt? Why adding a new character if you already plan to kill her off right at the beginning of the season. Meh, bad.

Mamma Mia: only good thing about this ep is Mary reuniting with Sam, albeit for a 10 second scene. Not much else to say, tbh. Forgettable.

LOTUS: Guys, please. The President of the United States goes to a random motel and only one.ONE. agent goes to check the room and he doesn’t even check it properly? And why does Cas even need to hide in the closet if he can just wipe out the agent’s memories and he can’t be killed by bullets and surely not by combat? Also, Crowley can literally disappear and teleport other people away with him. Come.On. We’re all aware of the armor plot, all ready to suspend our disbelief but writers, please, put in some more effort.

All Along the Watchtower: the only reason I like this episode is for the little glimpses into Kelly&Cas’ little domestic and cultish dream-life. The rest? Meh. I mean, Lucifer conveniently showing up just like that? Castiel going after him into the rift to kill him with an angel blade (what was Dabb thinking when he wrote that? Who knows! He wrote Castiel as quite dumb, I must confess)? Crowley’s OOC suicide? I’d get it if he died in battle, the whole season was pointing to Crowley’s death. But sacrificing himself? No, I’m still not over it.

The British Invasion: when I first watched the episode I simply hated it. The cheap  dark Harry Potter parallels? No, thank you. But, truth be told, upon re-watching it, I think it was not that bad-bad. Still, I’m gonna put it in “the bad” because Buckleming brought back Eileen in this episode just to kill her off a few episodes after and I’m tired of this shit.

Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell: Look, I don’t think David Perez really understood Crowley’s character. Or maybe it’s just me. But Crowley in his episodes is off. Like, on one hand Crowley comes off as more human, on the other he was the one who let the hellhounds free. In hindsight, I know this was a way to show Crowley as a sort of wavering character ready to be killed off in the sunset boulevard of the alternate universe. Do I have to like it, though? No. Also (and this is a very small thing but it irks me a lot because it was intentional), Dean being super gross and disgusting is so OOC. I don’t think that Dean is a real germ freak. Or so I hope for his sake because of the life he leads. Life in greasy diners and dusty motels is literal hell for a real germophobe. But I do think that he’s obsessed with clean clothes, showers and with staying clean as much as he's possible for him. So Dean wearing the same underwear for four consecutive days? No way, that’s not Dean Winchester.

The ugly:

The One You’ve Been Waiting For: The only SPN Nazi-themed episode that I enjoy is “The Vessel” and that’s because the real theme there is the Resistance. Not even Bed Edlund in s8 could make me like Nazi-themed SPN episodes so no dice here. I really liked Ellie, though. It’s a well written character and the actress was quite good. It’s a shame she was only there for one episode.

First Blood: Possibly my least favorite episode of the season. When I first watched it I kinda giggled the whole time for second hand embarrassment because it felt absurd. More here.

Family Feud: ugly, ugly episode. All I have to say about it can be found here.

There’s Something About Mary: Eileen’s death. I’m just saying this. Eileen’s death. I’ll never forgive them for how it was portrayed and how it was used for (very very weak) manpain. I don’t know what was going on inside Jared Padalecki’s mind when they filmed this episode but he totally seemed unconvinced, too. Just a very ugly episode.

13 overall good episodes against 10 not so good. I must concede that season 12 was NOT a bad season :P

[rocinantescoffeestop]

Ted Lasso has ADHD

He’s just super well-adjusted to it and has had lots of support through his life in this particular area. In all honest, he’s like ADHD goals; someone who’s comfortable and accepting of himself and his neurology.

This is so not a scientific analysis. Just a nerd looking for solace in yet another fictional character. ;)

Five reasons why I firmly see Ted Lasso as an ADHD character:

1.) Pasta Water.

Right off the bat, here’s what started this whole internal discussion: pasta water on the stove. As well-adjusted as he seems in day-to-day appearances, little details slip his mind. Forgetfulness is one of the more obvious traits of ADHD. In 1.09 when Ted and Roy Kent are having a heart to heart about Roy’s future on the team, the scene starts off with Ted trying to offer Kent something to eat/drink like any good host, and he makes a joke about offering the pot of pasta water that’s been sitting on his stove for two days. Kind of odd to have that sitting out, right? Not for a neurodivergent, though. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve baked cookies and then left all the materials scattered about on the stove and counters overnight, and then just didn’t have the energy or mindfulness to clean it up until someone got on my case for leaving a mess.  Our minds are just on a higher plane; we prioritise differently. Ted’s not at all concerned with the material. It’s the heart and soul that gives things meaning and thus gives him muse to pursue something, and frankly, cooking and cleaning up doesn’t give him that joy.

2.) Reminders.

He has little signs that say ‘believe’ tacked up all around his house, and in the same episode that’s mentioned (1.10 if I remember correctly – when he, Nathan, and Beard are discussing tactics for the game against Manchester), there’s also a fleeting mention of having a reminder to floss (that he also states to ignore due to exhaustion). I constantly have to write things down; anything that pops into my head, I put it on a flashcard and pin it to the wall, because even if it’s something I believe in, it might leave in the next few seconds so if I want it done/ingrained in my head, I have to have it somewhere outside my head. It’s because of our absolutely shot executive function – doesn’t really work too well – that leads us around our day in a spiral, constantly finding something different/a new angle or another story off our previous story that leads us astray. We get acquainted with backpedalling, mainly from other people (or ourselves) who keep telling us: hey, you were about to tell me something? I don’t have all day. Or something similar.

3.) Mentality.

It’s obvious that Ted’s thought process is miles away from the people he’s surrounded by, and the more people try to drag him back to his way, the more firm he gets. (The only person who I’ve noticed doesn’t try to sway his mentality is Keeley, they actually vibe really well together, right off the bat, which is funny because I see a little adhd-coding in her as well.) In my experience, the more someone tells me to see a different side/do something else, the more I want to keep doing what I want to do/keep believing in my way. (It’s only recently that I discovered this was a trait shared among many with ADHD; I thought it was just me being a dick to be honest XD.) I work so well with opposition. Losing that feels a bit like losing a purpose. It’s just so lucky that Ted’s way of staying true is optimism, because there’s a lot of rampant pessimism everywhere you go, so he never truly lives without his purpose. Breaking away from this core is painful, too, and we see him refuse to do just that literally every episode.

4.) More Reasons for Optimism.

Here’s another reason for optimism: RSD. We all know that positive thinking is the first line of defense against negative thinking, and you’re thinking duh right now, I can feel it. ;D That just helps me warm up to what I’m really trying to say which is about RSD, or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, a way to describe a symptom of ADHd. Now, at first, I didn’t see much evidence for this. RSD is what makes it very hard for us to bear criticism, and from what I see of Ted, he manages to handle criticism pretty well, he’s pretty civil about it, always taking it with a smile. And typically, people with this dysphoria don’t handle rejection or perceived rejection too well. Then, I realised that Ted’s intense optimism acts as a coping mechanism against this. If something is hard to hear, if criticism pulls him down to the depths, he forces himself to bounce back up because, in all honesty, everything starts with a smile, and after you start that (starting is the hardest thing), picking yourself up becomes slightly easier. He’s clearly had a lot of support in this area, not to mention a lot of his rambles almost sound like he’s searching for support – for validation – too. He latches onto people easily because of this, because external validation is such a powerful force. (The same goes for the lack of that, powerful in the opposite effect.) He knows this well, which is why he tries to be such a strong force of support for others. I can see this as being a contributing factor to why his divorce lead to an alarming/seemingly uncharacteristic bitter outburst and a severe panic attack – although that could also be because he spent so much of his life/devotion loving his wife and raising a family, that anyone forced into the situation wouldn’t have fared much better. In my experience, living with RSD has shaped me into a selfless person, ceaseless supporter, and postive-thinker, because I don’t want the people around me to feel as lonely and rejected as perceived criticism and the like leaves me. It doesn’t even matter whether I like them or not, I always end up feeling nauseated if something I say leads to even slight aggravation. (That’s something I’m working to address, as not everything I say or do will lead to people hating me, but it’s such a big motivator in my life.)

5.) The peanut butter jar.

This is a clever hack to combat the munchies. My ADHD leaves me hungry all of the time, but it’s a hunger that’s all in the head. Eating gives me stimulation to stay focused on whatever I’m doing, which isn’t always the healthiest (I like eating crunchy and/or salty things especially, as savoury keeps him going for longer). Leaving an open peanut butter jar on the table is honestly a clever hack. Peanut Butter isn’t the worst food to snack on, especially if it’s all natural/doesn’t contain processed sugars (those do not work well for our brains). It’s sweet but a little salty, and it’s a protein, meaning a little goes a long way in making us feel full. I know I don’t like to eat too much peanut butter, because then it starts to make me feel a little stuffed (not sick per se, just uncomfortable). Swinging by every so often to eat a bit of peanut butter is the perfect lil boost of dopamine, doesn’t over stuff, and the movement to get there is also refreshing. (I think I’m actually going to try this out for myself!)

There may be more, but alas, I’ve uncovered all the major signs that have been rattling around in my head since my first rewatch of this incredible show. XD!

tl;dr –

[nct-oli]

I also miss atots! I wanna read your ramblings so may I ask what are some of your head canon for phutian whether it’s during the series or post-series.

HI!! You’re so sweet. I am so sorry that I haven’t responded to this sooner! Life got really hectic, and it honestly kind of stole my creativity, to the point where I read this back when you sent it, but I could not think of a single headcanon at all.

But I’m here and I’m going to finally talk about some because I rewatched ATOTS with a friend and it sparked some headcanons in the process!!

1) This is probably my biggest headcanon. Phupha and Tian wrote emails to each other during their two years apart. I’ve seen some people say letters, and of course letters are super cute and classically romantic. Plus they are fitting given that’s how Tian was communicating with Phupha when he returned to Bangkok. But the reasons I like emails for them are:

Getting letters domestically to a rural village is one thing, but getting them internationally without some of them getting lost feels a bit less likely. And I think Tian and Phupha would know that. So emails are a more consistent and reliable form of communication.

Obviously Phupha can’t access the internet from the village, but you know who does have internet? Dr. Nam. I very much love the idea of Phupha strolling into the clinic every so often trying to be all cool and not at all giddy to check for a new email from Tian, and Dr. Nam never, ever letting him use the computer without a lot of proud best friend teasing. Remember when Phupha went to Dr. Nam to ask what a scar on the chest would mean? Yes, just like that, except regularly. (And when Phupha doesn’t go to Dr. Nam’s clinic, he could go to town to check his email too.)

This part doesn’t really fit the canon storyline at all given Phupha was still gazing at the only photo he had taken of Tian two whole years after taking it and also Phupha never told the children where Tian was. BUT think of the photos they could send each other. Tian sending photos of himself in various places in the US, his hand with Phupha’s ring always visible so Phupha can be there with him for every adventure. Phupha sending photos of the kids as they grow, the tea sachet business (or whatever the villagers end up doing with Mr. Sakda gone), the very rare selfie by a rather self-conscious chief... sending physical letters limits the number of printed photos they could send each other. Plus printing photos may be a bit easier for Tian, given he can just print them at a nearby Walgreens or something, or even have them ordered online. But that would be tougher for Phupha, needing to leave the village and find somewhere. So emailing photos back and forth would be easier.

Imagine Tian printing every email sent back and forth and collecting them. Imagine him in the library with the biggest smile on his face, printing out emails to and from his mountain boyfriend back in Thailand and his university friends watching him with the most confused but intrigued eyes. I love it. I love that idea.

I remember there being discussion post-finale about whether Tian and Phupha communicated in that time at all. The discussion revolves especially around how at ease they seemed in their Pha Pun Dao cliff reunion and they didn’t quite act as though they had been fully apart for two whole years. And I fullheartedly believe they had contact, even if very infrequent. I think they found a way. And while I do think letters are incredibly romantic and fitting, I just have this fondness to emails. Maybe it’s a result of watching We Best Love recently. I’m not sure.

2) Tian chose to go to the US ultimately on his own. Now, we all know his mother is the one who picked the university for him and “sent him away.” But I do like the idea that, after coming to terms with the fact that maybe running away to Pha Pun Dao immediately wasn’t the best plan, especially if Phupha wanted to forget him, he grew to like the idea of going abroad. It would be his chance to have probably as much freedom as he could get. He wanted to go to the US before he died (episode 3 conversation with Tul). He could take time to himself, without the influence of anyone else, and figure out just what he wanted for his life. And when Phupha showed up at the airport and they got their true feelings out in the open, Tian didn’t feel like his family was pushing him away from the man he loved and the life he wanted; he felt that he had agency in choosing the US and asking Phupha to wait for him, to give him the chance to figure out this new chapter first. I find comfort believing Tian didn’t board that plane feeling resentful but instead feeling hopeful. And when he returned, he wasn’t filled with regrets. He was filled with excitement that he was returning home to Pha Pun Dao and Phupha right on time. (Plus Phupha had more confidence when Tian returned to him that he truly wanted to be there in the village with him, because despite literally traveling the world and seeing so many options available to him for places to build his future, Tian still chose Pha Pun Dao.)

3) The teacher’s house remains Tian’s home too. Hear me out: I don’t mean full time. I’m obviously a massive softie for domestic PhuTian, so I want him to still stay with Phupha. And Phupha probably can’t leave the base permanently, as he’s the chief and needs to be there regularly for his rangers, so the two of them can’t move into the teacher’s house fully either. But Phupha’s room is quite small. I love the idea that Tian still escapes sometimes out to the teacher’s house where it’s quiet and he can still have his own space. A space to lesson plan, to take the students when they need a new environment, to feel connected to his three original months in the village when he fell in love with the people and his person (Phupha). That house was his home, and while Phupha’s place is now also his home, I like the idea that Tian still keeps that house for himself too. At least so long as it isn’t needed by anyone else. (Also, if Phupha and Tian need space, well, there’s no Yod out there to start knocking.)

4) This semi-connects to the last one. When Tian and Phupha finally get married, they have a ceremony in the village and Tian convinces Tul to stay a night in Pha Pun Dao. His parents come to the wedding too, but they stay in a hotel in the city, where Tul stays some nights except for the night Tian gets him to stay with him. Tian and Tul stay in the teacher’s house, and Tian tells him all about his many nights sleeping there. Tul is, well, not convinced of its appeal at first, but watching Tian share his stories with the brightest smile, he decides he can warm up to it a little bit. And after seeing Tian with Phupha, with the kids, and with the rest of the village, and finally understanding how perfectly Tian fits in Pha Pun Dao, it starts to make sense to him why some of the luxuries don’t matter to Tian anymore... will Tul himself ever move to a rural village like that? Absolutely not. He’s not convinced that much. But the joy that village life brings his best friend and the glow he exhibits is enough to leave Tul content for one night on a hard mattress inside a mosquito net in the middle of seemingly nowhere. (No but really, imagine the chaos of Tul trying to live in Pha Pun Dao for a night. I want to watch that so much.)

5) Okay, I hope the couple that got married have a child and that child goes to school under Tian’s teaching. Or someone else in the village has a child. Imagine Tian getting a new student and having to navigate a classroom with early teenagers and a tiny kid. (Headcanon within a headcanon: Tian did a LOT of research during his two years abroad specifically on multi-aged classrooms because he knew he wanted to return to Pha Pun Dao one day and would need the skills.)

6) Longtae and Tian most definitely go on that trip across the border that Longtae wanted (just a couple years late). And they have the best time. Longtae tells Tian about any new stories from university. Tian shares stories about his students and tries not to talk about Phupha too much but occasionally can’t help it, to which Longtae smiles brightly like the cute bestie he is. And the two of them get the CUTEST photos that Longtae prints for Tian immediately when he gets back to the city.

All of these headcanons are for those two years away or after he returns. I’m trying to think of some headcanons for the show prior to ep 10 part 4/4...

6) OH this doesn’t necessarily have to be before ep 10 part 4/4 in the timeline, but Phupha and the rangers apologize to Tian and the villagers for not telling them about Torfun’s death sooner and that burden being left for Tian to carry instead. I just want that settled.

7) HERE’S ONE FOR WITHIN THE SERIES TIMELINE. At the wedding in episode 4, Phupha didn’t deny it when Dr. Nam called Tian Phupha’s guy. So yes, of course Dr. Nam started calling Tian that all of the time, to which Phupha did eventually argue against but he secretly liked hearing it. His guy.

8) I’m back to going outside of the timeline again... all of my headcanons are for after the series it seems. Oops. But Tian most definitely brought the kite to Pha Pun Dao with him, and it hangs very proudly on the wall in their room. Tian tells Phupha about how he had it flying back at his family house in Bangkok, how seeing it blow in the wind brought him comfort when he felt homesick for the village and for Phupha. That knowledge had Phupha smiling for the rest of the week.

I’m running out of ideas. I kind of wanted to hit ten, but I just don’t have ten headcanons off the top of my head. BUT if I think of anymore, I’m sure I’ll post about them somewhere. Maybe I’ll even write a ficlet about some of these... I used to write those here and there, way back when... we’ll see.

Thank you again for your message, anon! You are a wonderful human. I’m sorry for taking so long to respond, but I didn’t forget about your message or ignore it. I just couldn’t get my brain to give me anything to respond with! I hope my rambling was sufficient for you. <3

(Also man, I miss writing about ATOTS so ridiculously much. This felt so familiar and also kind of sad. Phupha, Tian, villagers... come back to us. I miss you.)

[slippingbetweenthestars]

Reevaluating the Eleventh Doctor

Or, in other words, a Doctor Who rewatch looking at mainly Flesh and Stone but also referencing episodes across the Moffat era to help me sort through stuff. 

So I introduced my brother to Doctor Who and am watching the series with him. I have a lot of confusing feelings about Eleven, which is why I have his tags blocked and why I have all of about three posts with him (minus the anti Day of the Doctor posts). I am slowly re-evaluating him, and trying to figure out what I like and what bothers me about him. Thoughts below the cut so I can be honest and salty. Lots of script analysis. Unlike previous Anti-Moffat stuff beneath a cut, this is fairly quality and not just anti-banana ramblings. 

When I first watched Eleven, I was pretty patient. When I lost Nine, it took me all of seasons 2 and 3 to get over it and only really gave Ten a chance in season 4. Part of that is I like a platonic reading of the show, and part of that is I just was not over Nine. Now I love Ten, and after finishing season 4, I thought I had been too harsh. I resolved to be more patient. I thought I had learned my lesson and was going to give Eleven a chance. 

And then I just never warmed up to him. It wasn’t until somewhere in season 8 that I realized I just wasn’t enjoying the at all show very much anymore. Later I discovered there had been a showrunner swap, and discovered other people felt the same way about the Moffat eras. I came into the fandom late, as in October 2019 late, so my dislike isn’t just rooted in nostalgia. I fell HARD for Nine and Rose’s season and the Time War plot lines. Looking back, the moment I started feeling visceral dislike for Eleven was the Vampires of Venice episode. 

Readers of the blog who’ve gone through any of my meta know that I hate the Day of the Doctor with a burning passion. I generally refrain from reblogging Anti Moffat stuff in general because I want to keep this a positive place, but sometime I just can’t contain my irritation. His treatment of women flagrantly vexes me, as do the non-lives of most of his characters and secondary characters. He ignores The End of Time and seems to have concluded the Doctor in Dalek is just evil and made the wrong choice.

However, I’ve realized that what really trips me up isn’t any of those justifiable reasons. I can intellectually talk about those reasons for disliking Moffat’s work, but the thing that triggers a gut “grrr” reaction is simpler than that. My teeth have been on edge from the first moment Reinette spoke. I finally realized why.

I. Can’t. Do. Moffat’s. Dialogue. 

It doesn’t seem fair to compare him with RTD, but the first four seasons have brilliant dialogue. It’s natural. It flows. It contributes to character. It sounds like I  walked into a shopping mall and listened to the conversations that glided past.  Moffat’s dialogue is witty, that’s true. There are many off-color and semi-sexual jokes, but they’re generally good at eliciting a laugh. But the lines don’t sound like they’re coming from real people. They’ve got too unnatural a cadence. They’re stilted. They’re very very balanced and very very smooth, but they don’t sound like people. They sound like writing. 

I know firsthand that my written word is far more advanced than my spoken word (not that my meta is any real indication). I use long words like rumination without a second thought, rely heavily on repetition, and invert my sentences to add emphasis. I would rarely say ‘prohibited’ in conversation, but I would write it easily in a sentence to express the idea of “not allowed.”

Back to Moffat. His people come off as caricatures. They’re talking heads. His dialogue is repetitive ( “I’m the Doctor. Basically, run.” and the very next episode “I’m the bloody queen, mate. Basically, I rule”). I have no idea what Amy thinks or feels, and the plot literally strips away any kind of friends or family apart from Rory. We’ve come a long way from Shireen, folks. So as for internalization or backstory, we’ve got nothing apart from the Doctor and Love interest. 

Furthermore, Amy won absolutely zero points by assaulting the Doctor on her wedding night despite his repeated refusals and blatant discomfort. (He physically ran away from her! Like three times! He literally told her, point blank, NO, and she did not stop. Blergh.) 

That’s not to say there isn’t potential for internal development, but it doesn’t happen on-screen. If Rory has issues from Roman times, or Amy is breaking down over being kidnapped, trafficked and having her baby stolen, it’s not shown. That divorce episode kinda tried, I think? But it didn’t really work. 

So I know what makes me feel distant from the characters in the Moffat era, but what makes me dislike them?  I was watching that travesty of an episode, Flesh and Stone, and I realized what irritates me about Eleven. It’s certainly not Matt Smith. 

It’s the dialogue. 

It’s not because it’s too generic or glossy, though.

I quote: 

AMY: So, what's wrong with me? RIVER: Nothing. You're fine. DOCTOR: Everything. You're dying. RIVER: Doctor! DOCTOR: Yes, you're right. If we lie to her, she'll get all better. Right. Amy, Amy, Amy. What's the matter with Amelia? Something's in her eye. What does that mean? Does it mean anything? AMY: Doctor. DOCTOR: Busy. AMY: Scared. DOCTOR: Course you're scared. You're dying. Shut up. RIVER: Okay, let him think. ... (The face of an Angel is visible in Amy's pupil.) AMY: Three. Doctor, it's coming. I can feel it. I'm going to die. DOCTOR: Please just shut up. I'm thinking.

I’m sorry. I UTTERLY HATE THIS BLATANT !GRRRRRRR. I don’t swear but you can insert your own thoughts. It’s inane. It’s callous, it’s cruel, and I hate it so very much. 

Amy is supposed to be dying, and he tells her to shut up. Repeatedly. I know he’s trying to think to save her, but it drives me mad, especially when the primary basis of his prior companionships was that they helped him think. They gave him solutions by pointing out things he didn’t notice. They found say a transmitter in the London Eye, gave him the rhyming word to stop the Carrionites, found the empty sick-day files. They’ve worked with him as partners, and he’s treated them for the most part as equals. 

But our friend Stephen Moffat decided that the Eleventh Doctor doesn’t listen to his companions. No, this Doctor tells them to shut up. This is a pattern. And it’s an authorial choice. 

Here’s the next episode, the moment that I realized, “hey, I don’t think I like this Doctor.”

DOCTOR: Argh. I need to think. Come on, brain. Think, think, think. Think. AMY: If they're fish people, it explains why they hate the sun. DOCTOR: Stop talking. Brain thinking. Hush. RORY: It's the school thing I don't understand. DOCTOR: Stop talking. Brain thinking. Hush. 

I don’t like it. 

So now that we’ve established that, I can control for it and choose to mostly ignore those moments. What else?

Childish speech. Some highlight moments include these:

(A goal is mentioned.) RIVER: How?  DOCTOR: I'll do a thing.  RIVER: What thing?  DOCTOR: I don't know. It's a thing in progress. Respect the thing.

I’m not a fan of this kind of talk, and it’s a characteristic of Eleven’s speech. Ten talks that way when Moffat writes him, too. Here’s Day of the Doctor: 

ELIZABETH: What's that? DOCTOR 10: It's a machine that goes ding. Made it myself.

Even this line, which is okay in isolation but curdles in my mind when associated with Moffat’s dialogue at large, follows the childish speech pattern. 

DOCTOR: People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey...stuff

Oh, and let’s not forget this from Blink: 

DOCTOR: Tracked you down with this. This is my timey-wimey detector. It goes ding when there's stuff. 

Great, we’ve got another line he’ll use again almost verbatim, abuse of the word stuff, and baby talk. 

I don’t really like the baby-speech, but it doesn’t bother me quite as much as the shut up comments. 

What else bothers me in this episode that’s representative of the larger season?

DOCTOR: Amy, you need to start trusting me. It's never been more important. AMY: But you don't always tell me the truth. DOCTOR: If I always told you the truth, I wouldn't need you to trust me. 

YEAH AMY HAS NO REASON TO TRUST YOU. Not with the way you’re treating her. Cue Eleven expecting his reputation to solve at least half of the problems he meets. Thanks, Moffat. (He does this in Forest of the Dead, The Girl in the Fireplace, and the Eleventh Hour as well. It’s cool the first few times he does it, but it starts to go stale, especially when all the season finales switch to killing the Doctor, not the Doctor saving innocents from people who want to kill/exploit them. Remove Eleven, and the bad guys kinda go away?)

Okay, so moving on. We don’t like the shut ups, we don’t like the baby talk, we don’t like people just doing stuff because Eleven says so.  

Let’s talk about the Angels. 

UMMM actually there was so much wrong happening that I will try keep this brief but it will be hard. Other people have talked about this burning trash heap but I cannot resist.

 When the weeping angels were introduced, they were super cool. They were intimidating villains with a strict set of rules/limitations. Observe them, they turn to stone. Literal stone. They can only move when unobserved. I thought it was really neat, somewhere between Schrödinger's cat and L’Engle’s virtual unicorns (traveling or observed but never both). 

DOCTOR: The lonely assassins, they used to be called. No one quite knows where they came from, but they're as old as the universe, or very nearly, and they have survived this long because they have the most perfect defence system ever evolved. They are quantum-locked. They don't exist when they're being observed. The moment they are seen by any other living creature, they freeze into rock. NO CHOICE. It's a fact of their biology. In the sight of any living thing, they literally turn to stone. And you can't kill a stone. Of course, a stone can't kill you either. But then you turn your head away, then you blink, and oh yes it can. ... DOCTOR: That's why they cover their eyes. They're not weeping. They can't risk looking at each other. Their greatest asset is their greatest curse. They can never be seen. The loneliest creatures in the universe. And I'm sorry. I am very, very sorry. It's up to you now. 

(emphasis added)

Got it. The freezing is more than instinctual, it’s a biological fact.

DOCTOR: Because, Amy, this is important DOCTOR : The forest is full of Angels.  DOCTOR: You're going to have to walk like you can see. ... DOCTOR: ...There are Angels round you now.  DOCTOR: Amy, listen to me. This is going to be hard but I know  DOCTOR: You can do it. The Angels are scared and running, and right now they're not that interested in you. They'll assume you can see them and their instincts will kick in. All you've got to do is walk like you can see. DOCTOR: Just don't open your eyes. Walk like you can see. You're not moving. You have to do this. Now. You have to do this! 

Okay, so it’s not a fact, it’s a choice or instinct. Despite Ten saying they had no choice. And get this, we literally WATCH THEM MOVE ON CAMERA. Big no-no. That’s the whole point: you can’t see them move. When they’re moving, THEY’RE NOT STONE. They’re only stone when you see them. Simple. Except now they can move whenever they want, can’t move for mysterious reasons when Eleven turns his head to look away at another one (I blame the setup for that one), and stare at each other with reckless abandon. 

Let’s continue. From Blink:

DOCTOR: Fascinating race, the Weeping Angels. The only psychopaths in the universe to kill you nicely. No mess, no fuss, they just zap you into the past and let you live to death. The rest of your life used up and blown away in the blink of an eye. You die in the past, and in the present they consume the energy of all the days you might have had. All your stolen moments. They're creatures of the abstract. They live off potential energy.

‘kay, so angels send you back in time. Cool cool. 

DOCTOR: Ah, well done, Bob. Scared keeps you fast. Told you, didn't I. Your friends, Bob. What did the Angel do to them? BOB: Snapped their necks, sir. DOCTOR: That's odd. That's not how the Angels kill you. They displace you in time. Unless they needed the bodies for something. line about looking for survivors... DOCTOR: Oh, don't be an idiot. The Angels don't leave you alive. Bob, keep running. But tell me, how did you escape? BOB: I didn't escape, sir. The Angel killed me, too. DOCTOR: What do you mean, the Angel killed you? BOB: Snapped my neck, sir. Wasn't as painless as I expected, but it was pretty quick, so that was something. DOCTOR: If you're dead, how can I be talking to you? BOB: You're not talking to me, sir. The Angel has no voice. It stripped my cerebral cortex from my body and re-animated a version of my consciousness to communicate with you. Sorry about the confusion. 

At least we acknowledge that this is new behavior. But is it ever explained? No.  Bob makes sense, since they want a voice, but what about the people before him? And why not their voices? No explanation. From now on Angels can touch you if they want to, even if you’re not looking at then, and don’t automatically send you back on time

Also the image of an angel is an angel? Sorry that was kinda nonsense. We need an excuse for Amy to be in danger! Let’s punish her for being curious! How long does this process take? Who knows? Let’s have a countdown for fun! We want to have a romp in the forest with angels for scariness?

Okay I’ll stop. You can make your own conclusions about the Angels take Manhattan. (But seriously, it bothers me that no one’s tried closing one eye at a time). 

Now, on to what I liked. Well actually, we’ll start with something I don’t and do. I hate River Song in this story. I also quite enjoy River Song in this story. I do not like the Bond-style version we see in Time of the Angels. However, she’s pretty human in most of this episode and reminds me quite a bit of “Silence in the Library” River. I like the idea that she earns her own freedom from prison by going on expeditions like these. I’m not so sure how she went from robbing a place in formal dress to being released from prison into someone else’s custody? But I guess I’ll buy it. She generally seems like some of the people around her, cares about Amy’s fear, and doesn’t go around murdering or pillaging for fun (except in said beginning-of-the-episode robbery), which I like. I generally enjoy Alex Kingston. I just frequently wish she had a better script and storyline. 

Okay, moving on and back to Eleven/Moffat. I can tell Matt Smith put a ton of effort into this character. The physicality of his acting is great, and I do enjoy the contrast between his anger and whimsy. Unlike Ten, Eleven actually kind of scares me when he’s angry, and it’s usually a very sudden switch, not like the slow, righteous buildup of Tennant’s doctor. 

DOCTOR: Look, three options. One, I let the Star Whale continue in unendurable agony for hundreds more years. Two, I kill everyone on this ship. Three, I murder a beautiful, innocent creature as painlessly as I can. And then I find a new name, because I won't be the Doctor any more. LIZ: There must be something we can do, some other way. DOCTOR: Nobody talk to me. Nobody human has anything to say to me today! 

I didn’t really notice these sudden switches into rage the first time I watched, and appreciate them now. I have a very hard time connecting Eleven to Ten’s arc, but I’m starting to see some kind of continuity. 

RIVER: That Time Energy, what's it going to do? DOCTOR: Er, keep eating. RIVER: How do we stop it? DOCTOR: Feed it. RIVER: Feed it what? DOCTOR: A big, complicated space time event should shut it up for a while. RIVER: Like what, for instance? DOCTOR: Like me, for instance! (He snaps, daring her to say anything)

Eleven’s anger isn’t indignant, not like Ten’s. It’s resentful. And that kind of makes sense. He resents what he’s had to do. He resents moving on. And he keeps it buried deep inside him most of the time, but every now and again he lashes out like this. 

So. My conclusion so far is this. I am starting to see Eleven as the Doctor that came after Ten. Sort of. Slowly. However, there are some actions of his that I can’t stand, and I attribute them to the writer.

I can’t stand him shutting up his companions. I can’t stand the suggestive comments he makes later on. I absolutely hate that he finds River shooting things sexy. I absolutely hate that he brainwashes the entire human race to commit genocide. Yeah, that’s basically what he did to the Silence. 

TELEVISION: Okay, engine stop. ATA on the descent. Modes control both auto. Descent engine command off.  (The Doctor gets out his phone.)  DOCTOR: Oh. But don't forget this bit. Ready? CANTON: Ready.  (Canton attaches the videophone to the Doctor's super satellite phone, and dials up Apollo 11.) SILENCE [on TV]: You should kill us all on sight. You should kill us all on sight. You should kill us all on sight. You should kill us all on sight.  DOCTOR: You've given the order for your own execution, and the whole planet just heard you. 

Killing a ship full of cybermen to get someone’s attention was bad enough, but this is even worse in my opinion. (I don’t exactly share the Doctor’s thoughts on not killing Daleks or Cybermen since their very existence makes them fundamentally opposed to any and every other living thing, but I appreciate that he usually has qualms. I think turning on the emotional inhibitors like Ten did is far crueler (though that was a high-stakes judgement call when the cybermen were actively converting all of London), but at the same time, it feels absolutely wrong for the Doctor to premeditatively kill shipfuls of beings just to make a point).

What do I like? (Yay, there are things I like about Eleven now!)

I do like him as a Doctor who’s consciously more alien than his last incarnation as a coping mechanism. 

I do appreciate him as a Doctor who has a fair bit of self-loathing without self-pity.

 I do appreciate him as a Doctor who’s more detached and less willing to grieve (but I really do miss the grief that was so strong in seasons 1, 3, and 4).

I do like him as a doctor who listens to kids. (though not the undertones of grooming them to be companions).

I wish he was shown to listen to his companions and take them seriously the way he does children. Can you imagine Eleven telling young Amelia to shut up? He only does that to adults. I wish the Doctor would not make Moffat sexual comments later on with Clara. I do not like that he keeps his companions completely in the dark on fake Amy’s pregnancy, though I do see it as being in keeping with his character. In keeping with that, I’d love it if we had no fake marriages ever. I didn’t like it when Ten referenced them, I don’t like it when Eleven marries famous women.

[marvelousescapism]

hey, i know you’re mostly about stucky, but i love you and your blog so much and i was wondering if i could ask you for some advice if that’s alright?? only if you’re comfortable with it of course. i’m just at such a loss right now because i have this whole loki/reader multi-chapter story outlined that’s supposed to take place during the show and i’ve thought about it for a month now, but everything with s*lki makes me so uncomfortable and nauseous. (1/3)

so when i look back at any scene with them in the show, i immediately feel so uncomfortable. even the thought of me writing something under the loki tv tag on here and/or ao3 makes me feel ashamed to even be somehow associated with the ship. i know that that’s how every fandom is of course, but the fact that this ship that makes me so perturbed is more or less canonical right now, it’s like my brain won’t let me escape it. (2/3)

now i don’t know if i should just give up on the story entirely or convince myself that writing it will bring me comfort that the show ripped away from me and this character i used to love. i was so excited to write this and now i’m just so hesitant to do so. i’m sorry that this was so long. again, please don’t feel like you have to answer this. feel free to ignore me and have a wonderful day 💕 (3/3)

Oh, sweetheart, of course I'll answer you 💕💕 I'm by no means an expert on this and I tend to ramble, so do bear with me and I'm sorry if this isn't very helpful!!

(Also - if any other more seasoned fic writers out there reading this have any more/better advice for nonny please do step in and add on, I'm really only a newbie at this game myself!)

First off, I'm really sorry you're feeling like this. It's really shitty that the dumb choices the writers made have tainted something that you and tons of other people love so much. You're absolutely not alone - so many Loki fans have had various problems with the show, and SO SO MANY have hated Sylki. It was an absolutely ridiculous choice to make it canon. I know the Loki and Thor franchises are more of a secondary fandom for me on this blog but I was (still am) very much still so pissed off after the kiss in the last episode, and by a lot of other choices made in the show. (Sometimes I'll pass untagged gifs of them kissing and just... it makes me so uncomfortable.)

Personally, I like to think I've become quite good at quickly severing my ties with any part of canon I don't like because I'm always rewriting canon in my head, but there's always a period of time directly after canon I don't like happens on screen where I'm just annoyed and upset (a mourning period, if you like) where just telling myself "it's only canon if you decide it's canon" just doesn't cut it. I think I'm still feeling that for the Loki show right now, even though I'm not really venting about it that much here.

I don't know whether or not this is something you can relate to, but if you can I think it's worth remembering that it's been very little over a week since the last episode aired (and they've only just released the behind the scenes stuff), so the wounds are still fresh. The choice is whether or not you leave them to heal on their own or try to bandage them up right now.

Ultimately, I can't tell you what to do, they're your wounds after all. All I can say is that I hope you decide to do whatever you think will be best for your mental health. And if it's something that's playing on your mind so much it's making you feel low throughout your day-to-day life, I think that's definitely when you should take a breather and step back from trying to create something for a little while. If visiting your plans/drafts for your fic ruins your day, take a step back.

Fic writing is, first and foremost, about enjoyment, and when it stops being about that then that's a sign you need to put on the breaks. And it really is only putting on the breaks, not stopping entirely. I don't think you should give up on your fic entirely. If you've got your plans written up (even if it's a very rough word vomit on a google doc or a mindmap or timeline drawn on a piece of scrap paper) then you can store that away for later when the wounds hurt a lot less.

Basically, don't feel pressured to write, but don't feel pressured to give up everything you've been working on just because you're not writing right now. I promise that fic will still be there waiting for you when you've taken the time to process whatever needs processing. Worst comes to absolute worst, you end up realizing later that you didn't enjoy this story that much after all, but recycle the ideas you had for it into other fic ideas that do bring you joy! (Not saying that'll happen, but it's not a bad thing if it does!)

If it's not something you feel you have to immediately take a step back from, however, I'd encourage you to give writing a first draft for the chapter/scene you're most excited about a go (even if it's a scene that's, like, halfway through the story). Don't set yourself any goals, don't try to reach a wordcount or write for a certain amount of hours a day or get it finished by a certain time or whatever - just write what you can write in whatever timeframe it ends up taking. If you find yourself enjoying the process, keep plodding along. If you realize it's still upsetting you, stop and take a break and don't feel bad about it.

(Also I'd say don't watch the show while you're writing, especially if that's the something you've noticed is making you feel shitty. If you're trying to keep it close to canon for certain parts of the story, try to work off of what you can remember without rewatching - you can always come back and tweak it, and what you write will probably end up being more interesting working from memory too!)

Again, I'm really sorry that the show made you feel shitty about something you love so much. I really hope the show doesn't ruin your love for Loki in the long run and the wounds heal after a while. You deserve that comfort character. Even if you're not in the right place to hear it right now, it's only canon if you decide it's canon. They can't make us accept their version of canon if we don't want to (and we have better ideas anyway)!

Whatever you decide to do, don't let it be a detriment to your mental wellbeing. I'm sure whatever you end up writing in the long run will be terrific and you'll be proud of it. Hope you have a wonderful day too, sweet nonny, and I'm rooting for you no matter what you end up doing 🥺💕

[panharmonium]

a face like a wounded bear (i’ve just got a few things on my mind, that’s all)

back on my merlin rewatch rambles this week.  i’m finishing up S1 now and just putting down some notes here for myself about 1.11 - specifically, how it ties back to/is informed by 1.10, because this is something that’s been on my mind for a long time.

these got a bit long so feel free to scroll past if this isn’t your cup of tea!

standard disclaimer for people who don’t know me and might stumble across this: i got into this show late and i have not finished season 5.  i am GOING to finish season 5, hence this rewatch.  so far i have remained unspoiled for the end of this show; i super appreciate everybody helping me stay that way.  you have my permission to laugh at me for being ten years late to this show in the first place and also for taking a geological age to finish the last four episodes.  i understand and fully support you in this; in my defense, i have been using the break to write fic, so i hope all can be forgiven in the end X)

with that out of the way, some thoughts!

i. a wounded bear

i really appreciate how much angrier merlin suddenly is at everything once we hit ‘the labyrinth of gedref.’

he’s still trying to help solve arthur’s problems, and he’s still rooting for arthur to succeed, but he’s also snappy and irritable and getting lost staring out windows, and his patience level with arthur in particular is set to absolute zero.  it’s not a catastrophic change - it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like arthur anymore or that he doesn’t still respect arthur for what arthur...could be, and for what he is, at moments; merlin obviously still deeply admires him for caring so much about the people of camelot and he obviously still believes that arthur is noble at heart and worth supporting.  but he’s simultaneously sick and tired of arthur’s particular brand of princely BS, and in this episode it’s starting to show.

before this episode, merlin used to tolerate arthur’s dumbassery with a kind of...willingness to be amused as opposed to annoyed.  arthur would go into his “insult merlin” routine or say something only a rich idiot would say and merlin would just laugh it off, or quip it away, or roll his eyes and get on with his day.  he was kind of…gently entertained by the people he had to serve.  he was having a little adventure right then, you know?  and the nobles, arthur included, were colorful characters in this story he’d walked into.  if they were occasionally insufferable, well, at least they were good for a laugh.

for example, that episode where arthur keeps asking merlin to cover for him so he can go have his little dates with sophia?  merlin winds up in the stocks for it three times in a row, but the first time, he just shrugs it off with his typical cheery equanimity and wryly says, “i forgot how much fun this was!”  and then when arthur asks him to cover for him a second time, merlin is just psyched that arthur is having such a good time with sophia, and he immediately agrees to do it, saying, “don’t worry, i’ll find a way to get you out of it!”  and then he’s back in the stocks, but when he comes out of them, gaius is more annoyed at arthur than merlin is.  and then after arthur runs off to “elope” with sophia, and merlin ends up in the stocks a THIRD time, it’s just the funny zinger at the end of the episode.  he’s not upset about it.  it’s just like, “meh!  here i am again!  classic merlin misadventure, what can you do? :)”

there is no chance that would fly in the back quarter of S1.  none.  zero.

merlin is completely fed up in 1.11.  starting with the hunting party’s slaughter of the unicorn, and then branching out to other, smaller things - every dismissive thing arthur says to him, every time arthur ignores or denies the reality of their situation and tries to pin responsibility for camelot’s misfortune on sorcery rather than his own actions, every time arthur makes stupid comments like ‘merlin you’re less intelligent than a rat’ - in this episode, merlin doesn’t roll with those things.  he snaps back, or raises his voice; he refuses to be talked over, he bites back “i’m THIRSTY” when arthur tells him to stop smacking his lips in the granary.  

in another episode, that stuff might have been delivered in a jokey way - and it will be again, some day in the future, when they’re both back to having fun with it - but merlin’s not having fun with it in 1.11.  he’s giving arthur challenging stares and resentful glares instead of friendly, this-is-just-how-we-tease-each-other looks.  his tone isn’t amused or fondly exasperated, it’s frustrated or irritated or, sometimes, straight-up angry.  

there’s a point in one of their arguments where merlin says he believes what anhora is saying, and arthur’s cold response is, “then you’re a fool.  you cannot trust a single word a sorcerer says.  you’d do well to remember that.”  

and merlin gives him the most baleful glare. like he wants to just...strangle him with his eyes.  like he has so many cutting things just sitting on the tip of his tongue and can’t decide which one he wishes he could say first.

ii. a few things on my mind

this, i think, is where it’s worth remembering that this episode takes place in a larger context than ‘arthur did a dumbass thing at the beginning of the episode and merlin’s upset about it.’  

because merlin definitely is upset about the unicorn, but merlin’s also just upset, full stop, about things that have nothing to do with the unicorn or camelot’s curse or camelot to begin with, and it’s bleeding over into other areas of his life.

to clarify: i don’t think we can really understand merlin’s subtle attitude shift in 1.11 without understanding that 1.11 takes place immediately after 1.10.  

1.11 is one of two S1 episodes whose positions in the timeline we can actually pinpoint relative to their neighbors (the first being 1.02, which is directly stated to take place on merlin’s “first day as arthur’s servant,” aka the day after 1.01).  1.11 likewise can be mapped accurately onto the timeline, because kanen comes thundering into ealdor bellowing “it’s harvest time!” in 1.10, and then in 1.11 camelot is bringing in their harvest, too (literally, gaius yells at the end, “they’re bringing in the harvest!”). 

there’s really not any wiggle room there.  the harvest season is only so many weeks long to begin with, and we know ealdor was pretty far along with their work in 1.10 - we see the evidence of their labor, and if the grain hadn’t already been harvested, kanen’s group wouldn’t have had anything to steal.  ealdor is smaller, so it makes sense for them to finish faster than camelot, but it looks like camelot is just getting started in 1.11, given the state of their grain reserves and the fact that so much grain appears to be unharvested when the blight hits.  and, that being the case, honestly, camelot had to have started like, immediately after 1.10 finished, or even while that arc was still going on.  it’s already pushing the boundaries of disbelief that they wouldn’t have started by the time ealdor has gotten so much done.  there’s no plausible way they could have waited any longer.  harvest season is the same for everyone; it’s not some kind of rotating schedule.  people only have about a month to get it done in the first place.  

so these two episodes occur, at the absolute most, a couple weeks apart from one another, and that’s only by the most generous of estimates; it’s more likely that they’re closer together than that, given the information above.  but honestly, it doesn’t matter whether it’s two weeks or two days - either way, merlin in 1.11 has something going on in his head that’s extremely recent and taking up kind of a lot of his energy.  

i don’t know that this angle gets looked at often, because the understandable tendency is to mostly focus on merlin in relation to arthur, and this becomes especially true in episodes that contain arthur+merlin umm...idk, focus scenes like the one near the end of 1.11.  but this is the angle that’s always on my mind when i watch the end of S1, because if there is one hill i’ve staked out for the digging of my future grave, it’s the following:

merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon.

this probably qualifies as an unpopular fandom opinion, but it’s something i absolutely refuse to budge on.  

and of course it’s just my own read, obviously; you may have more fun coming at this episode from a different direction, and that’s totally cool!  but for me, my understanding when i’m watching this season - merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon.  especially not yet, especially not now, when merlin has only known arthur for a few months and he’s just coming back from being with people who have known him (and i mean known him, known everything, known him for real) for something like twenty years.

merlin’s life does NOT revolve around arthur pendragon.  his relationship with arthur, at this point, is not the most important relationship in his life.  arthur is not the best friend he’s ever had.  arthur is barely merlin’s friend at all, right now.  arthur likes him all right, yes, and merlin likes him back, most of the time, but arthur doesn’t even know him, really. 

arthur doesn’t know.

and i love arthur and merlin, like - i’m as down for the mythic, destiny-laden, we-find-each-other-in-every-universe dimension of their dynamic as anybody, and when those two finally have an equal, healthy friendship going on, i’m going to be cheering for them.  but it doesn’t change the fact that merlin had a life before he came to camelot, or the fact that by 1.11 he’s only been in camelot for a few months and doesn’t really know arthur all that well yet.  

you can pick whatever example you want to illustrate this point; there are enough of them to choose from, but one of the clearest is in 1.11, when arthur passes his final test and drinks anhora’s fake poison.  merlin thinks arthur is dead, at that point - he’s pretty well convinced that the poison was real and that arthur has just keeled over dead on the beach - but his reaction to arthur’s ‘death’ is....i don’t want to minimize it, exactly, because merlin's obviously upset about it, but at the same time the level of distress he displays is visibly, objectively different from what we see from him in other contexts.  it looks nothing like his naked grief when will is slipping away from him in 1.10, or his desperation when his mother shows up deathly ill on his doorstep in 1.13.  he doesn’t look at potentiallydead!arthur the same way, or talk to him the same way, or touch him the same way - of course he hustles right over and shakes him to see if he can wake him up, but it is just...you can watch these scenes next to each other and they are just not the same.  it is not the same gentle way he leans over his mother, the way he takes her hand, strokes her forehead, folds gaius’ rabbit’s foot into her fingers.  it is not the same way he cradles will in 1.10, when his fingers are in will’s hair and his hand is just - reflexively rubbing will’s head in a way that is just so...intimate and automatic and brokenly tender like -

of course it’s different with them!  he loves them!  watching them suffer is torture for him, and the idea of losing either of them is devastating to him on a scale i can’t possibly understand.  he’s only ever had two people in his life.  one parent.  one friend.  they were his whole world.

so, yeah, merlin is stressed about arthur’s apparent death.  he’s upset.  he likes arthur, he believes in arthur, he’s appalled that this is happening.  but it’s not a personal grief.  there aren’t any deathbed confessions.  there aren’t any gentle touches.  there aren’t any tears.  his protest to anhora isn’t ‘i love this person and i don’t want them to leave me;’ it’s ‘i was meant to protect him!’  it’s about him failing at his “destiny;” it’s about the fact that someone told him he was born like this for a reason and now he’s failed at the job that gave him a sense of purpose, at the thing that made him feel like having magic was worth all this terrible trouble.  

contrast this to when his mother shows up dying in 1.13, and gaius tries to prevent merlin from saving her by bringing up the importance of merlin’s “destiny.”  on that occasion, merlin’s immediate incredulous retort is, “my destiny?  this is my mother.”  

arthur’s death and merlin’s distress over it all come back to merlin’s unfulfilled destiny, in 1.11.  but merlin couldn’t care less about his destiny when it’s his mother’s life on the line.  my destiny means nothing if i cannot save her.

merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon.  not here, not now.

[that said - it’s different, of course, later in the series.  merlin’s reaction to arthur’s supposed death in 5.07 isn’t just “oh no i failed!”, it’s also a personal, particular anguish.  they matter to each other, by then.  (though even then i think there’s a lot to be said about the…unhealthy tragedy of merlin giving up on his own wants and needs and worth as a person who exists outside the context of this narrow mandate to protect someone who doesn’t know who merlin really is and wouldn’t love him if he did - but that’s just the situation merlin’s trapped himself in, by that point.  it’s what he’s accepted for himself.  it’s all he thinks he deserves.)]

[that’s a post for another day, though, so.  back to the point.]  

merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon.  merlin had a life all his own before he came to camelot, and during the last quarter of season 1, every part of it that matters to him is falling apart.

i keep coming back to this, every time i think about this kid.  there’s just no way to overstate the fact that merlin’s world up until this point has always been just two people.  his whole life has been just two people.  his whole life has been just one parent.  his whole life has been just one friend.  

and after 1.10, his one friend is dead.

i think we dramatically underestimate the impact of merlin having half of his world obliterated, just like that.  

that’s not something he gets up and strolls away from.  he can’t roll with that punch.  he carries that for the rest of his life.

you know what i mean?  it would be a disastrous enough thing on its own, without even getting into the fact that it unfolds in a way that is SO complicated and tied up with messy personal history and regret/guilt that it needs to be parsed in an essay of its own (which, yes, i might already have half-written; yes, i have too much extra time on my hands this month.)  we’re also not getting into the fact that like - okay, the sort of grimly positive flip side to only having two significant relationships in your life is that you’ve also never personally experienced any significant bereavement.  you don’t have any extended family to mourn, no friends to lose, et cetera.  so to have your first experience with loss be something so huge, when you’ve had no practice dealing with grief, and to be trapped in a place where you aren’t allowed to discuss it honestly because if you told somebody what it all really meant you’d be executed?  

i’d be in a bad mood, too.

merlin is such a good kid and he tries so hard to have a smile for everyone, but i can’t watch the last quarter of S1 without seeing the strain of this weighing on him.  it affects how he reacts to the situation with gwen’s father in 1.12 (more on that another time), and it absolutely plays into the fact that he spends the season finale racing from one side of the kingdom to the other, desperate to sacrifice his life for someone else’s.

^^ regarding that last bit - i think about that a lot.  merlin tries to die three separate times over the last three episodes of S1, and it’s not that he’s...running around trying to get someone to kill him, exactly, but there’s definitely a very real sense that he’s dumped any interest in self-preservation, at this point, that he doesn’t care what happens to him.  if dying is what it takes to make sure nobody else is taken away from him, then that’s fine.  he will do literally anything to not feel this again.

merlin is trying to process something so big for him and he’s trying, by necessity, to do it alone, because he left his mother behind and came back to camelot where nobody understands that the only person other than his mother who ever loved him just died lying for him.  he is so stressed out in the last three episodes of this season and so desperately unhappy about things he isn’t allowed to even mention, and i just think it’s impossible to evaluate these episodes outside of that particular context.  

“we haven’t done all the things we’re meant to do,” he protests in the finale - and you can feel that aching admission come welling right up out of his soul.  it’s uttered in a new context, yes, but he’s been thinking it for weeks and weeks and weeks already, too late to change anything, too late to buy his friend any more time.  he’s hurting.  and he goes zipping around from life-sacrifice to life-sacrifice in the last three episodes in a desperate attempt to keep himself from hurting more.

iii. i’d never have a friend who could be such an ass

the point of all this is the following: the reason merlin sounds like he’s fed up with arthur in 1.11 is because he is fed up with arthur in 1.11.  he’s fed up with everything.  they all just got home from ealdor somewhere between a couple of days and a couple of weeks ago, and merlin is reeling.  he feels like his head and his heart are still trapped on the other side of the border.  he’s sick of looking at arthur’s arrogant, insensitive, infuriatingly alive face - and i say this while recognizing that, even at the same time, merlin also cares about arthur, and believes in him, and lionizes him; admires him; hero-worships him, even.  these two things can be simultaneously true.  merlin’s relationship with arthur is already so fraught with dissonance (how can you care about someone who thinks people like you are inherently evil?  how can you respect someone who oppresses you?) - and merlin’s always carried two contradictory truths when he navigates their relationship, one in each hand.  and right now it’s just that one hand is holding something too heavy.  he’s not being bitchy, he’s busy - he’s trying to deal with something that is taking up 100% of his mental and emotional energy; he doesn’t have anything left over to accommodate arthur pendragon’s dumbassery. 

and arthur pendragon IS a dumbass; let’s not pretend that he isn’t.  i love him, and he has moments that are so admirable and glorious and shining that they take your breath away, when you can see why gwen says you are going to live to be the man i see inside you; i can see a king that the people will love and be proud to call their sovereign (that speech makes my eyes sting EVERY TIME, it gets me right there) - but arthur is STILL a dumbass.  no question about it.  he has so far to go, still.  he’s dumb in all the generic ‘oblivious rich dude’ ways, and he’s also a jerk in his own specific ‘arrogant arthur pendragon TM’ ways, and merlin at this particular moment doesn’t have the energy to deal with it.  he likes arthur, even at this early stage, despite all the mental gymnastics he has to do in order to like someone who hates magic-users.  but merlin’s closest friend in the world is dead, and arthur is such an asshole sometimes and it’s like - this is what i got in exchange?  this is the trade the universe made?  what the hell makes arthur more deserving of being here than somebody who loved me without being told, without being taught, without needing to be constantly convinced that i should be allowed to exist and be safe and be loved on this earth?

are we really surprised that merlin wants to strangle arthur after that trademark ‘you cannot trust a single word a sorcerer says’ comment?  merlin has enough reasons to resent that on his own behalf, but his own secret isn’t the problem, this time; the problem is that they literally just got home from their little jaunt to ealdor and the only reason arthur even made it back from ealdor in the first place was because (as far as arthur knows) a ‘sorcerer’ died saving his stupid life, and arthur knows that, and still, this is what he has to say?  

and that’s on top of like - back in ealdor before they left, the fact that arthur really felt it was necessary to take time out of his day to come over and reproachfully chastise merlin about not disclosing will’s ‘magic,’ AT WILL’S FUCKING FUNERAL???  “you know how dangerous magic is.  you shouldn’t have kept this from me.”  AT WILL’S FUNERAL?  RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS BURNING CORPSE?  LIKE????  HELLO????

can you imagine being in this scenario???  and thinking???  yeah this is appropriate.  this is the time.  

how is merlin supposed to respond to that?  when arthur’s like ‘you know how dangerous magic is’ and merlin is just like ????!!  we are AT HIS FUNERAL!!!  we are literally WATCHING HIS BODY BURN!!!!  you know how dangerous magic is FFS THAT ‘MAGIC-USER’ COULDN’T STAND YOU AND HE STILL SAVED YOUR UNGRATEFUL LIFE AND HE’S DEAD BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT AND WE’RE AT HIS FUNERAL OMG IS THIS THE TIME?  IS IT EVER GOING TO BE THE TIME?  SHUT!  UP!

of course merlin wants to kill him.   

so anyway.  i really appreciate merlin’s sudden prickliness in this episode.  it’s subtle enough not to be completely jarring, but it’s still clearly perceptible, and i’m glad for that, because this is something that should be perceptible, given the timeline, but at the same time merlin would never, ever mention what’s really bothering him out loud, because a) the sorcery element and arthur’s involvement in how things went down have made it an absolutely unbroachable, forbidden topic, and b) guilt has wired merlin’s jaw shut.

^^ re: that last thing - it’s a post for another day, and i won’t really get into it now, but suffice to say, once again, that merlin spends the last quarter of season 1 running around trying his absolute hardest to throw his life away for someone, and i just feel like...i think it says something about the kind of pain he is in, and the kind of apology he feels he needs to make.  

he is having a very hard time.  merlin in the back quarter of S1 is feeling very alone and very much like he doesn’t deserve to ever feel better. 

so if he’s a little bitey with arthur’s trademark noble nonsense, i think we can cut him some slack.

[skamamoroma]

Episode 4: Wtfock S3

Thank you so much for all of the lovely messages about these posts. Who knew people would want to ready my rambly thoughts. I wrote these kind of overly long in-depth emotional spiral posts about Skam It s2 and enjoyed it so much so it’s good to know wtfock inspires similar spiralling!

I’ve tagged these posts specifically so if you want to read the others, then follow the tag below :)

Anyway, I love that the episode opens with someone interested in Robbe’s life. We’re reminded that Milan cares even if he does want a bit of gossip, he’s sitting there looking at the videos and taking an interest. I love that he and Robbe had that ‘little club of two’ moment about Zoe being jealous… it makes you remember Robbe’s not alone and he has the beginnings of a home.

Seeing Robbe just chilling on his sofa, headphones on and scrolling through photographs is so similar to Isak and every other remake where they search and end up finding something to stare at and obsess a little over. It kills me that all Robbe has are photos of Sander with Britt. Sander is in the background and Robbe still smiles to himself. This isn’t a video like Marti, Lucas and Isak had… he has less but he’s had more of Sander in real life and it just reminds you of that DISTANCE. I love how in other remakes, you still felt that longing but it was more exciting whereas here I feel a little bit heartbroken for Robbe as he’s had to spent days and days keeping himself away from Sander and nearly gave in. He came so very close to letting himself lean into his feelings and it was abruptly ended… he wasn’t thinking when he nearly kissed Sander, he was clearly acting on impulse but now he has this distance, he’s thinking and it’s easy and harmless and means nothing in his head. I think he’s fully aware of how he feels but Sander is so far away in every sense of the word that the reality isn’t as overwhelming. That’s really kinda sad to me.

Then there’s Milan again with his casual sexuality chat. It’s so important in every remake to have this moment because it’s the Isak of it all being faced with an open homosexual man who is talking about relationships and sex and guys and they use that to ask questions they wouldn’t ordinarily ask… and the answers always kill me because Eskild said the whole “if he talks about blow jobs” thing which made Isak remember Even did EXACTLY that… but here, Milan says that sometimes you can tell is someone else is gay from subtle signals, a look in their eye “something trapped inside that desperately wants to come out”. That look at Robbe is VERY telling. I’m not sure if Milan knew 100% but he certainly had the whole shady history of the girls telling him Robbe might be but the fact that Milan tells him that being gay can be SENSED… yeah it’s kinda true but also kinda wildly untrue in many many many cases but Robbe believes it in that moment. He’s left wondering whether that part of him can simply be SENSED by looking at him, by assessing him and that clearly freaked him out. We don’t know the intensity of his internalised homophobia but Milan’s words here were so different from the original that it had such an effect for Robbe personally and for his story. His face at the end is A LOT. That moment when he’s about to download Grindr, to actually accept and lean into his feelings, the feelings he KNOWS are there… and he doesn’t. It’s hugely important to understand Robbe because he’s fighting it massively. BUT THE SONG. Oh the song. Hahaha. Todrick Hall and ‘I Like Boys’ could not have been more perfect for this moment. It’s kind of tongue in cheek, it’s a little like we’re seeing the reality of the part of Robbe’s mind he’s denying and it’s a little nod to Milan too… so so so good and I think when I realised that this season’s music was going to be killer!

But aside from an adorable moment with Yasmina, we’re straight into THE DANCERS SCENE. Ah the classic. This episode mirrors the original so closely but they’re made subtle changes that are really telling and specific for Robbe. He isn’t sitting there looking bored and check out like Isak, he’s UNCOMFORTABLE. He looks like he wants to be anywhere else. It’s all kind of oversexualised and he looks a little like he’s sorry for witnessing it and isn’t that something he does a lot - he always feels BAD for objectifying women or seeing the stuff his friends talk about play out in real life. He clearly looked almost sorry for touching Noor in his bedroom, he had to check nobody was watching when he was sweet to her in the sand dunes and now he looks embarrassed to be watching what he’s watching. Poor kid. He can’t accept it’s a piece of art because all he’s doing is connecting it to how he feels WRONG in himself, how he’s not experiencing what his friends are, how he didn’t want to come along in the first place, how ALL OF IT ties into Noor, a girl he’s dating but doesn’t feel attracted to… it’s so overwhelming and poor love looks like he wants to crawl out of his own skin. 

And just like he did with Milan, he sees a chance to distance himself from being gay by using the dance teacher. His internalised oppression rears it’s ugly head but what I LOVE about this moment and god KUDOS to Willem H is when Jens kicks back and Robbe immediately questions if Jens has a problem with it….. Robbe’s FACE. It’s a 360 turn around and instead of wanting that distance between GAY and himself, he’s now terrified that actually Jens might have an issue with it. Talk about being crippled by fear and insecurity surrounding something true about yourself. How terribly sad and Willem H sells that little moment because his eyes are full of fear. 

I kind of understand Jens in this moment. At the time it was difficult to because of how the whole group had been framed. Jens has consistently checked in with Robbe and given him those moments of friendship and support and yes, the group has failed to notice Robbe’s obvious discomfort and unhappiness and they wound him up over the vlogs and the pranks but here, Jens has no real reason to understand why Robbe would flip. It IS out of nowhere but it’s another moment of Robbe just being so overwhelmed and hating himself and the situation he’s in that he snaps and retreats. I find it so tough watching Robbe do this knowing how much he changes and how much more comfortable he becomes with who he is and the world around him… this all feels like he’s constantly feeling suffocated and fights to get out of any situation so he can breathe. 

Oh isn’t this the episode of being bombarded by ideas of sexuality. I LOVE watching it in this way as episodes because every single clip is another prod at Robbe, another way for him to realise he’s DIFFERENT and to feel like he doesn’t fit, not with his friends, not with Milan and his life, not as someone who appreciates the attractiveness of women, not with religious folks… he feels set aside from all of that, confused, alone and every part of him is saying that the fact he feels uncomfortable is because it’s wrong and then you have Yasmina saying that homosexuality is perhaps a ‘disorder’ or a ‘choice’... and isn’t that the nail in the coffin of misery. It’s that confirmation the dark part of his brain has been looking for.

ENTER SANDER. The one person who makes something in him feel nice. Sander reminds him of when he was in his little bubble dream world of the seaside, when he was able to pretend his life was different. Sander’s mentioning Bowie again and being interested and friendly and making Robbe special by including him in his interests. It’s incredibly sweet and the moment Robbe lies down and listens to Space Oddity, I remember feeling like this season could be something really impactful. That spinning camera, the stillness, the close up of his eyes makes you feel like Robbe is kind of day dreaming he’s back there… and the fact that day dream is interrupted by Sander’s call is just PERFECT. Sander, ever the whirlwind, doesn’t just message, he calls to chase up! And the whole moment of Robbe preening himself is so youthful and cute, I can’t handle it. God, he KNOWS he likes Sander. He goes in and out of allowing himself to act on that feeling that he gives himself whiplash. 

I think I genuinely feel, way more than any other remake, that Sander feels like a dream. EVERY SINGLE TIME Sander appears (and it’s true of the end of this episode too), he takes Robbe out of himself, transports him and it’s like Robbe is dreaming, existing in some other place because Sander shakes everything up and he’s this platinum haired dreamboat figure… it’s almost like he’s unreal and he feels that way on a proper rewatch like this. He feels otherworldly and isn’t that kina cool given how much he loves Bowie. 

Maybe Sander is like the Ziggy Stardust working his way through this alien planet?! To Robbe, he’s a walking dream and Robbe gets mesmerised and forgets himself… and it isn’t until that distance kicks in that Robbe returns to reality with serious force. 

Their telephone call is so CUTE. Sander is a little flirty and you can see how endeared Robbe is. Willem H’s FACE when Sander suggests Robbe bribe him… that moment of shock and awe. PERFECT, my god. But the moment that kills me is just how utterly devastated Robbe looks when Britt appears. His whole face falls and you can see he’s so instantly saddened at the realisation that he’s not ‘special’, that Sander isn’t ‘his’. We, with the benefit of knowing the future, know that that’s nonsense and Sander is clearly doing all of this because he’s 100% smitten and wants Robbe in every conceivable way… but Robbe’s little forlorn look makes me want to crawl into the screen and squish him. 

Robbe collapsing onto his face, that tortured youthful angst is PERFECT and Sander yet again makes him believe he can do thing. Sander’s presence moves Robbe’s progress on even a fraction… and Robbe can’t ignore these feelings so he tries Grindr again and that moment of “but this isn’t me” that crosses Robbe’s face is gut wrenching. He’s looking at the comments not recognising himself in that behaviour and it’s not wrong, it’s just not him…. Although he’s not able to make that distinction yet. He sees “not him” and meaning he can’t be gay rather than he’s just a different type of person. What a horribly relatable moment. And then the music dictates the entire mood yet again - “shout shout let it all out” because he needs to and things are so tangled and confusing and upsetting and there’s Noor reminding him he has a girlfriend. 

And now we have Noor. Overreacting. I still laugh. He was like half an hour late and she absolutely loses her shit. I can’t take her seriously. I get that she later explains that she feels like he’s not fully into their ‘thing’ but she’s talking about love and it’s WAY TOO MUCH… and hahahaha the fact that this segues into the shot between Britt and Sander while Sander pretends he’s going to feed Britt and actually feeds himself is… i mean it’s genius. ABSOLUTELY brilliant… Sander is everything Robbe wants and kinda needs in this moment and he looms large as Noor and Robbe appear in the background, all the while we’re reminded of Britt also looming large but that Sander has fed Robbe before, enjoyed it and found it incredibly cute and he chooses not to do that with Britt, chooses to be a little selfish and cheeky and think of himself…. Kinda, maybe how he was when he chose to openly flirt with a boy at the seaside while Britt was elsewhere. The four of them in the shot in this way is just AMAZING. 

Robbe, YET AGAIN, doesn’t like to hurt people. He doesn’t like to cause pain but Noor is talking about LOVE and they’re known each other a few weeks. It’s almost laughable if it weren’t for the fact that they’re young and also we know Robbe feels this way about Sander pretty quickly too. Poor Noor really thought they were something. I think Robbe finally shouting that he feels suffocated is so important because we’ve seen it, we’ve seen him explode and then run but he’s always alone. He retreats and we never follow him and he’s rarely honest with his shouting… here he is honest and he retreats but Sander is waiting right there when he does.

I love love love that! This time, Robbe doesn’t end up alone.

The fact that Sander, currently Mr Walking Day Dream or the whirlwind personified, makes a bit of a joke of it all and sings Bowie is endlessly funny and sums Sander up in a second but it’s this flippancy again. He doesn’t really care if Britt hates him or finds him weird or if he doesn’t feed her and certainly doesn’t care about Noor and Britt following her. All he cares about is Robbe and I said this so much at the time but Sander reminds me so much of Eliott in that respect. That “nothing else matters” idea, that all of the MESS around them and the mistakes and confusion means nothing because there’s this strength to the feelings there and there’s an inevitability to them. I think Sander feels that and believes it aka “I saw you in the moonlight and thought he is the one”. 

Sander is just SUCH a bitch in this moment and it’s hilarious. Bleach blonde bitch or what. 

The fact we get an extended shot watching Sander’s response to Robbe’s misery is perfect. He’s not bothered in the slightest about Britt and Noor. He doesn’t know why Robbe wants to message them, he’s waiting for Robbe to engage with him and then that downing the drink…. BALLSY AS HECK. He’s like “ok dude, I’ll do this for us” - he knows what he wants. He wants Robbe to himself and that smug little moment when Britt confirms that they don’t want to be bothered is perfect because Sander gets his wish.

I love that we segue into 21:21 and another Sander dream sequence. These moments with Sander are just overwhelming and almost TOO MUCH. They’re cinematic and they’re bold and send Robbe spiralling… and he gets to rest into the moment, to be present and Sander’s presence makes him forget everything which is why I think he’s able to be so balshy! He’s able to be himself. Nobody else is around, nobody is there but Sander and Robbe knows he’s safe there.

Not to jump the gun but I think this is what makes 22:53 aka the attack feel all the more devastating because Robbe’s dreamlike existence when Sander is around is so brutally ripped from him and torn to shreds. It’s metaphorical but it makes me wish they’d included a moment post attack with Robbe feeling a little more uncomfortable being open with Sander in public. We kind of had a moment of it but not enough, personally, and I feel like it would have served the story well. That said, they brought the comfort with Sander and the defiance hard after the attack that it worked in its own way, I just feel, by way of constructive criticism, that they could have shown the impact that the brutality of beating attacked for being open and comfortable could have on someone like Robbe in a more obvious way to then show how you can overcome that. Anyway…. MUCH lovelier things to talk about!

Sander coming out of that shop and Robbe grinning to himself just reminds me of the words “it’s just you and me”. That club of two thing feels so strong with these two. I felt it with the original and the remakes in very subtly different ways but with these two, I have this real sense of breathing out in comfort when they’re together and it makes you want it for them all the time. Robbe is so relaxed and again, it’s that jarring change. Sander is just smitten and so giddy he gets to have Robbe to himself and Robbe’s making Booking.com jokes and being all cute… how Sander didn’t melt on the floor at all of this knowing what we know about how he felt about Robbe. Bless him! I love that Robbe winked. He’s in his comfortable dream state… he can do that and it’s all fine and lovely and wonderful and Sander’s there looking like a dream and buying him sugary drinks and has a head full of adventure that Robbe just can’t help but smile, swoon and FOLLOW. Because when Sander says “come”, Robbe follows. Every time. Ah Sander, such an Even.

This entire montage is so beautiful. Wildfire is THEIR song. I kind of feel like the words are for Robbe this time. He’s so free. YET AGAIN, he’s with Sander and everything is fun and free and he doesn’t need to worry. 

“When you release, when you let go, you can find yourself where you belong” - those words and for Robbe. The song is for both of them… different verses for different parts of them that represent their struggles. IT STUNS ME. This song could not have been better chosen or used… and thank GOD we got it back when Sander needed saving. This moment, the endless tunnels to bike through and the city at night to sing in… all of it is Robbe’s journey to comfort and knowing what it’s like to let go and feel and experience.

I like that Sander retained the Even rebelliousness, the smugness, the slight pretentiousness… it fits him perfectly and the getting naked does not AT ALL seem weird. He’s extra as all hell and he doesn’t seem out of character… if anything, if they’d have done the same as the original then it would have perhaps felt out of character !!!!!

Then we have Sander’s “all the way or no way”. His motto in life. His character summed up in a few words. He’s perfectly WONDERFUL. You can see why Robbe is so enamoured and in awe. Sander is just the type to turn someone’s world upside down. 

The fact that Robbe is free and at the whim of someone SO freewheeling as Sander is overwhelming. 

THE LYRICS. Wildfire breaking me again and again. 

“Darling, please. Don’t give up. Trap your hate and sing for love, let me be the one who sings along”. MY GOD.

Those lyrics just before Robbe kisses him is so beautifully done. They’re like Sander’s words to Robbe although unspoken. That idea of  - just let go, give in, be free, do what feels right and what your heart is telling you to… because I’ll be right here with you”. GOOD GOD, the music is so perfectly chosen, the moments it fades in to spell out what’s happening in the clip is just so well done. 

I love their first kiss. It’s kind of messy but entirely desperate. It is shot like a dream sequence with that blurry underwater moment, the whole thing sparkly and bathed in shimmery blue light… and Robbe looks dazed and lost to the moment. It’s exactly the effect Sander has on him and what life and the world feels like when Sander’s around. 

Then Sander is gone. 

And we know what happens when Sander goes and Robbe is left to his own mind and the influence of others. Robbe looks exhausted and Zoe’s words slap him round the face. He’s reminded that he’s hurting people, that he has betrayed someone. He looks like he’s going to cry. He doesn’t like to hurt people and once again, he’s WRONG, what he’s doing is BAD.

Space Oddity playing again to remind him of that spiralling and Sander… it’s all acoustic and sweet but Robbe’s alone and Sander isn’t there to help him believe. The way Robbe strokes the screen over Sander’s face and blocks him… the dream’s over and he’s back in his brain and in the real world where he has been told he is wrong.

And the scene that I can barely watch. Sander is so sweet and optimistic and beautiful. We know he’s so utterly smitten with Robbe and how MUCH this must have hurt. Robbe’s choice of words is stark and worrying and just so totally WRONG. He was cruel and calculated and everything he isn’t and you can see the way he shakes when he’s on the other side of the door. Sander’s beauty and promise and that glittery dream world aren’t real and Robbe’s so firmly in reality now, is rejecting that lovely freedom and he actively broke his own heart.

It hurts. It’s not ok that he said what he said and in the way he said it but I understand, in the context of his story, why at the end of THIS episode where is feels WRONG and he believes who he is hurts people… that he chose the WORST but most effective way of putting that distance back where it was.

Poor poor Sander. Poor sweet boy feeling like he has done something wrong and hurt the person he adores… but part of me knows Sander understands behaving in ways that might hurt people, knows the damage your brain can do when it tells you that you aren’t allowed happiness and loveliness. I think thats why Chernobyl and the concept of exploding brains and fucking up because you felt terrified… well, he get it, doesn’t he? And I think he saw Robbe’s truth when he met him. He saw his sweetness and I think Sander always understood Robbe’s heart…

That “i save you, you save me back” concept had to be strong here and thank god it was!!! 

So yeah, this was LONG but this episode is an important and beautiful if brutal one! If you’re still awake, you deserve a bloody huge medal. Thanks so much for reading all my nonsense. These are just my own ideas and interpretations and it’s so interesting to read what others think too! The show lends itself to that so perfectly. 

[something-tofightfor]

how do you go about analyzing and dissecting the way the characters you write for act. i’ve driven myself into an acidity episode where i’m just afraid that i’m going to write my fanfic to generic and i won’t stay true to the characters. so how do you go about breaking it down and just understanding them at their core to a point that you can plop them into any situation and stay true to them without giving into a fantasy that’s unrealistic for them.

So I think a lot of it comes from how much I watch the source material - and  the fact that I don’t just gloss over details, or focus on what is right in the forefront of scenes. 

I could probably quote season 1 of The Punisher front to back (I have a huge respect for what they did with that season all the way through, not just with Billy). I’ve watched Logan’s scenes in Westworld an obscene amount of times. Jackie and Ryan... I probably put that on once a week because it can be background noise. Caspian ... is the thing that I’ve watched the LEAST, but I think Caspian’s easier to pin down. Sons of Liberty is the same - I’ve only seen it through a few times, but I think it’s easy to get the base characteristics of Sam down (plus I enjoy history, so even though Colonial America is very different from Narnia, there are some similarities). 

For me, if it wouldn’t make sense in the context of the show or movie, it doesn’t go in. That holds true for language, hobbies, speech, mannerisms, clothing... even thoughts. Obviously, you can’t know what the characters are thinking, but I think it’s safe to assume that their thoughts would line up with their actions and the other established characteristics.

If I’m having a difficult time, I’ll rewatch specific scenes (Logan talking to Jim by the pool, Logan telling Billy on the train what WW is, Billy’s Anvil speech, Billy talking to Frank one on one, Ryan and Jackhole talking on the steps of her house) and try to look at things like mannerisms and facial expressions, or even the cadence of the way they speak. 

Authenticity is really important to me, so when I write, I am really careful not to use language that doesn’t make sense - for example, Sam Adams isn’t going to call someone baby, and Caspian isn’t going to go on “dates” ...Billy isn’t going to refer to a woman as honey, and Logan wouldn’t have his accent in the “real” world the same way he does in the park - unless he’s really, really on a roll and worked up. 

Writing is about twisting things to make them unique and do things that haven’t been done before, for but example... Even if Logan DOES fall in love and get married, he’s not just going to pretend that WW didn’t happen, or he didn’t use drugs, or he doesn’t have a past. And Billy? If you take away all the bad things he did and the poor choices he made and just make him a lonely orphan, that’s not Billy. I think that there’s a HUGE difference in changing details and motivations (which works so well in so many cases) and completely glossing over them. 

I’ve said plenty of times that a lot of the stuff that I read feels like people just wanted to use Ben’s face and a character’s name and setting to tell a story without even bothering to consider the bulk of source material. That’s fine - some people need to write about and read about Billy being a businessman that did some Vaguely Bad Shit but it worked out, or Logan meeting and falling in love with a total stranger in four seconds (even though that totally goes against what we know of him from the show). In my opinion, the writers and creators spent a ton of time and effort coming up with these characters - and Ben put a LOT of work into making them come to life, and ignoring that? It seems disrespectful. (Except the Krusty storyline in season TPS2. I get what they were going for, and it was effective in showcasing that EXACTLY ZERO PEOPLE in Billy’s life gave a single goddamn about him. He was used by EVERYONE before and after the TBI, but I pretend that it didn’t happen)

So I won’t do that. I won’t write the characters with kids, because I don’t think Billy or Logan would have wanted kids. (Logan would be terrified because he never had real parental guidance, and Billy cares too little about other people to dedicate time and effort to raising them) ... none of my characters will ever use overly sappy ToE, because we never see that onscreen... so why would  they do it offscreen? 

*side note, there are a few stories that I’ve read that feature “breaks” from character canon that I really, really, really enjoyed - but I’m not reading stories to read people’s personal dream versions of characters, so the further they stray, the harder it is to read, even if it’s super well written. (This doesn’t apply to AUs, because those are often SO DAMN GOOD)

All of this makes me sound like an asshole, but what it really boils down to is that the source material is what the characters are meant to be, and so by utilizing that source material, I feel like I’m able to stay true to the characters no matter where they’re at or who they’re with or what they’re doing. It’s about more than taking it at face value, though, so even sometimes watching interviews or reading them (particularly with Jon and Ben about Frank and Billy, and Ben about Logan) will give me a better idea of their thoughts about the characters, and how I should think about them, too. 

Would I love to imagine Ryan Brenner telling me after a single night that he was going to stop traveling, or Logan meeting me on the train into WW and being enraptured to the point where he changes his lifestyle to be with me? Yes. Would I sell my cold black little heart to have John Whittaker in any form possible? You bet. But based on source material, these things aren’t that simple, and so I can’t allow them to happen in my writing. 

The scenarios don’t matter - they’re important, sure, but when you take the time to look into the characters themselves, you can put them anywhere.. and even if it’s a little out of place (Logan Delos at Disney? Ryan in a bougie ass art gallery? Ben on a pier?) you’ll be able to make it work.

I will warn you, though, that in a lot of cases, it seems like people don’t want to read *real* characters - the things that seem to get the most attention and feedback are the fluffy pieces that are slightly more OOC than the ones that follow canon more closely - but everyone has different preferences, and  that’s the beauty of fanfic, because there’s something for everyone. 

Did this even answer your question? I’m sorry. I rambled - it’s 3:30 am, and I went on a tangent. 

[starbuck]

Terror Notes: “Go For Broke”

well… I guess I’m really doing this! Some proper, bullet-pointed notes for each episode of The Terror, starting with ep 1: Go For Broke!

I wrote these out last night (and edited them this morning to make them readable - you’re welcome!) so I hope that y’all enjoy my thoughts and assorted nonsense! I tried to save my comments for points I actually wanted to make because I feel like they bring something to the table but I still ended up writing A Lot lol

I love that Crozier couldn’t even be bothered to be present in welcoming Sir John and Fitzjames onto Terror, making Little and Hodgson do it by themselves. One could argue that he had important captain-y things to be doing at that time or something but I’m not 100% sure that wasn’t the case. 

idk if it’s just the angle, but I paused the episode just as the shot of the officer’s mess is coming in from above and Hodgson’s hands make me so uncomfortable. They look so bone-y and weird. (Just what you came here for, I know. Hand commentary.)

Cannot tell you how uncomfortable it is, after many rewatches, to listen to Fitzjames recounting in a casual, lighthearted manner 1) shooting people 2) people catching fire (and burning to death), and 3) their burning flesh smelling “like roast duck” (so, like something edible) and it’s even more uncomfortable to have the closeup be on Hodgson’s face as he laughs at the ‘roast duck’ comparison.

On a lighter note: I love that Fitzjames felt the need to remind everyone what size cherries are by illustrating it with his fingers. In case they forgot, I guess? As someone who occasionally speaks unnecessarily with my hands, big mood tbh.

I LOVE it when Fitzjames gives Little that affirmative tap on the arm after he compares Fitzjames’s injury to Lord Nelson’s. My friend Eli and I refer to it as The Fitzjames Arm Tap. I would like a Fitzjames Arm Tap, pretty please.

God, Sir John loudly setting his hands on the table to try to dispel the tension from the ‘birdshit island’ debacle as he attempts to change the subject is so funny. I’m gonna stop just pointing out things I find funny soon, I swear, but I just cannot handle this scene.

Between Hodgson looking horrifically embarrassed by Crozier’s outburst at Fitzjames and Little looking nervous when Crozier shoots him a look as Sir John says that there’s no reason to be concerned about the ice, it really does seem that they were having to ‘manage’ him even back in ep 1 when his alcoholism wasn’t completely out of hand.

Personal sidenote about this: My Pop-pop is often rude to workers in stores and restaurants (he doesn’t drink thank goodness but he has Alzheimer’s coming on which has worsened his temper) so I very much understand the feeling of being on-edge that an outburst is going to occur and trying to deal with the fallout when it does. Just going by my own experience, I can imagine Little apologizing to Fitzjames for Crozier’s rudeness as soon as they were out of Crozier’s earshot (not that anything Little could say would heal the deep psychological wound that Crozier created but hey, it’s something).

The way that Sir John brushes aside Dr. MacDonald’s and Crozier’s concerns about moving Young when he’s in such bad shape never fails to upset me but also ~foreshadowing for hauling the ill on boats oooohhh~

I said I was done pointing out random things that amuse me but the speed and agility with which Des Voeux pops out of the hatch and onto the deck after Orren falls into the water is just so funny. I could watch that two second clip on repeat all day. Might gif it so I actually can.

Is this a good time to point out that there’s also a scene in Moby-Dick where someone falls from high up on a mast and drowns? It’s in a chapter all about bad omens experienced by the crew of the Pequod and The Terror definitely has some similar vibes going on with the sun dogs displayed in the establishing shot of Erebus in that scene and David Young, a “warning of things to come,” on his way over.

The second(?) time I watched the part where Young tells Stanley that he didn’t think anything of getting headaches since he’s always gotten them, I had this thought pass through my head that was like “oh god, I had chronic migraines for years so I’d never have known if I had lead poisoning either!” but then I realized that this probably was not a relevant concern I should have.

Not sure I have any deep commentary on this but as Gore informs Sir John and Fitzjames about the blocked propeller, he’s standing in the same spot, in the same room as Goodsir will stand next episode to tell them about his death.

Also regarding this scene, I love how Gore waits for Fitzjames to give him the go-ahead to leave before actually going. I know that Fitzjames is his superior officer too but, since Sir John already dismissed him, it seems like waiting for Fitzjames’s approval isn’t really necessary, yet a nice thing to do. Perhaps this is a legitimate formality, but something similar happens later in this episode in the command meeting when Crozier asks Gore how many sun dogs he’s seen; he looks to Fitzjames and waits for his nod before answering Crozier. He doesn’t look to Sir John, he looks to Fitzjames. I know that we know essentially nothing about Gore but like.. underrated ship???? Just saying…

Ten nights ago, I was unable to get to sleep for at least an hour because I started thinking about David Young’s saying “I want to go to my grave as I am” and, of course, that ultimately doesn’t happen for him but also, this, like all things about him, is a “warning of things to come.” I’m pretty sure that no one else was properly buried until, arguably, Fitzjames and ironically, that was explicitly not what he wanted done with his body (and, since his grave was later looted by Hickey, similar to the way that Young’s autopsy ultimately achieved nothing, it didn’t really matter anyway).

I know that this happened exactly ten days ago because I forced myself to wake up and write it down in my notes app, lest I forget, which only prolonged my sleeplessness. I suffer for my analysis. 

Ah yesssss Tozer’s lesbian haircut. We love it! Why does my hair not look like that when I take a hat off? I’d like to file a complaint.

Was just thinking the other day about how Hartnell being the one to notice that there was something up with the ice in ep 1 is followed up on with Blanky complimenting Hartnell’s ability to read the ice to Crozier in ep 7. I wonder if Blanky ever gave him like. ice-reading lessons after becoming aware of his interest and natural talent at it in ep 1? That makes me happy to think about.

The two people who we’re shown awoken by Young’s screaming are Sgt. Bryant and Morfin and like. Do I even have to explain why that’s an Oof?

The way that Goodsir hesitates before knocking on Stanley’s door and Stanley irritatedly closing his book before answering the knock in an exasperated voice would be comedic in any other context. If I’m being honest, it still makes me laugh. As does Stanley’s “As if that weren’t plain.”

I’ve pointed this out before but mmmmm... that shot of Stanley in profile with the open candle flame in the background… the foreshadowing in this ep is thicker than the smoke at… Oh alright, I’ll stop. 

God, the autopsy/dive scene…. Collins being lowered down and entering the water paralleled with Goodsir’s initial cutting into Young’s corpse, the breaking up of the ice paralleled with the cutting of the bone-saw. But most significant to me is the parallel of what is seen/not seen and the long-term effect that this has. Collins sees Orren’s corpse (and then presumably never tells anyone about it), reinforcing his guilt over Orren’s death, the beginning of his mental health decline. Goodsir doesn’t see the cause of Young’s death in his autopsy and this not knowing about the lead poisoning until it’s too late to do anything about it is the cause of many of Goodsir’s later problems as well. And, to finish it all off, both the autopsy and Collins’ dive were ultimately for nothing (considering a spinning propeller is useless when your ships are frozen in). 

Crozier and Blanky’s simultaneous face journeys as Sir John rambles on about how there’s nothing to worry about and they’ll find the passage any day now are truly legendary.

I wrote some pretty extensive tags on this already but man… Crozier’s comment about how not all of Sir John’s men returned from one of his previous arctic expeditions is just so nasty and awful. Like, yes, Sir John is wrong to undersell the danger they’re in and Crozier is advocating for the correct position here, but that was completely uncalled for and horrible to say, particularly in a command meeting, in front of so many people. And Sir John looks legitimately upset by it too. He gets over it quickly, at least on the outside, but I still feel really bad for him (and I NEVER feel bad for Sir John so this is weird for me).

“But of course we will not be abandoning Erebus, or Terror…” Let’s check back in six episodes and see how that’s going! 

Crozier slamming his fist on the table to prove he’s not being melodramatic reminds me of this one post (that I sadly can’t find rn) about Jesus Christ Superstar that’s like “‘CUT OUT THE DRAMATICS’ Judas hollered dramatically.” It’s such an Overall Mood.

I don’t have a developed commentary on this at the moment but it’s an interesting reverse-parallel that Sir John had no concern for Young’s well-being when he was alive, ignoring Crozier’s concerns about moving him from ship-to-ship when he was in such poor health, yet now that he’s dead, Sir John is the one to recommend that Young be buried which Crozier is surprised by, and seems to feel is unnecessary.

There’s been so much amazing commentary already made about Young’s burial scene so I’ll skip it except to say that Hickey’s irritated sigh when he hears footsteps coming towards the grave is SO funny. That’s exactly how I feel when I know that someone is about to tell me something that will annoy me.

Goodsir was really getting into the emotion of Sir John’s “eulogy”/motivational speech before he remembered the promise he made about Young’s ring. Also, what triggered his memory was Sir John saying “We shall earn our loved one’s cheers and embraces,” so no doubt a reminder of the traumatic “Your loved ones will be there in Heaven to welcome you! :)” “I never knew my mother or father” exchange (or maybe just a reminder of the fact that he was supposed to get Young’s ring to his sister but just let me scrape a little humor out of this. God knows I need it).

The shot of Bryant praying in his hammock the night before they get completely frozen-in is honestly deeply upsetting to me. Especially considering he’s a marine so he Did Not Ask To Be Here, yet there he’ll die.

According to Melville, ship’s compasses occasionally spun round-and-round when a ship was caught in a severe storm and this was an incredibly upsetting thing to behold because of how disorienting it was. So, considering that, Fitzjames keeps his composure pretty well but he clearly has some reservations about how things are going and Sir John has no comforting-sounding remark about ‘Magnetic North’ to offer him now.

The bit where Sir John “sees” Crozier, on Terror, turn away from him with a half-smirk on his face is interesting because there’s no way he could have possibly seen Crozier’s expression at that distance and I’m doubtful that he’d even have been able to make out the identity of anyone he might have been able to see on Terror’s deck. So really, it speaks mostly to Sir John’s mental state; his seeing their getting frozen in as a loss against Crozier and imagining that Crozier would see it as a victory for himself.

Ugh the final shot is making me think about @catilinas’s post comparing a shot of the two ships stuck in to the shot of the ink drops from ep 3 and I am LOSING IT but I was losing it anyway because it’s 2AM now and my entire body feels like gelatin. 

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT! 

SEE YOU NEXT TIME!

[coza-main]

Here on a personal note:

This is going to be long, I just really need some place to dump my emotions and do some word vomiting. Please don’t feel obligated to read it. Anyways.

Me and my little sister are very different. We’re 7 years apart in age, so while we’ve never fought or anything, we’ve also never had a super close bond. Whereas I mostly thrive in academics and nerdy subjects, she is extremely social. When I was her age (15), I stayed up through the night to binge read books and watch “nerdy tv shows”, she’s almost exclusively playing video games through the night with her friends. I’ve tried to coax her into watching tv shows and reading books that I’ve found interesting, but she’s never even attempted to enter into any fandoms that I’ve ever been a part of.

I had forgotten how brutal high school is, and how brutal high school could make kids. After her school closed down, she and many of her “friends” cut ties, and she was generally kinder, happier, and more willing to do things. Quarantine has made us closer, but just by a little bit. We simply had to learn how to exist together in a house and became closer. It turns out she also likes cooking, so we spent a bit of time in the kitchen together trying out new recipes, but not much.

I preface this for no other reason than to explain how STARKLY different we are (and for selfish reasons, lol). I could go into more detail but you guys get the point. Last month she came up to my room and caught me in the middle of a rewatch of The Good Place, and sat with me through the end of the episode. A few days later, I walked into her room and caught her watching it by herself. We started talking about it a bit (which was good because we hardly have anything to talk about normally) but much hadn’t changed with our relationship.

Two weeks ago, she asked me for some tv shows and movie recommendations. I asked her what genre she was looking for, and her reply was “I dunno, whatever you were interested in when you were my age”, I rambled off a few recommendations that I feel she would like without being too nerdy. The Hunger Games, Divergent, Harry Potter, Supernatural, The 100. She had never seen any of these. She flew threw The Hunger Games and Divergent (movies) and then kind of ignored the other recommendations. I was fine with that, I actually never expected her watch or ready any of the recommendations I had given her. But still, I couldn’t help but feel like our bond had gotten stronger. She asked me theories on things she had watched, and we spent a lot more time hanging out. It was nice, but I expected it to fizzle out as quickly as it had come.

And then. AND THEN. Yesterday, she came up to my room, all nervous and kind of embarrassed. I paused what I was watching and asked her what was up. She goes “I was wondering if maybe we could watch Harry Potter this weekend?” I should also note that she’s so detached from the nerd world that she knows NO spoilers from Harry Potter. None AT ALL.

And so here we are, on the fourth movie of the weekend. She’s completely engrossed. She LOVES it. She’s asked me several times why I never told her about this (I have. Multiple times). We’ve spent a lot of time together throwing around theories and just generally goofing off. While our relationship has always been polite but distance, we definitely both became distant and isolated after our other sister, who we both had closer ties to, left (if anyone is still reading, I have another sister who is two years younger than me. She was my best friend until she kind of abandoned me and my family for her own personal reasons, which was super emotionally damaging to both me and my little sister). But it’s been so amazing. I forgot what it was like to have a sister, it’s been so nice to have one again and I feel so at peace with myself and life. Okay, I think that’s all for now. If you’re still reading, thanks for sticking with me through this stream of consciousness.

[twilight-deviant]

So I never saw the Timeless movie but enjoyed your feedback on the show while it was in progress and agreed with you much of the time-- is the movie worth watching ? I'm scared it's going to be rushed, sloppy, and ly@tt garbage

First of all, thank you for valuing my opinion enough to ask. I haven’t rambled about Timeless in awhile, but I’m flattered you enjoyed and remembered my feedback when I did. ♥

Sadly, I have to report that Timeless finale is a movie disliked by Garcy fans, Riya fans, and gen fans alike. Pretty much the only way to like it is if you’re the target audience: Lucy/Wyatt shippers. Or maybe if you’re a very, very casual fan.

Full disclosure: I have not actually watched the Timeless movie. Like you, I feared it would abandon everything Timeless stood for, everything we loved, to waste its last moments on Lucy/Wyatt fan service. Aaaaaand I was right. Good call me on not watching it live. It might have broken my heart. I got the information later through friends and research. And tbh, hearing everything second-hand was actually hilarious. Yes, it was upsetting, but the writing is SO BAD, I actually laughed. Out loud. I may have cried laughing. It’s just… so bad. XD

I spent months dreading a worst case scenario for the movie, and when the time came, it was every bit that. (And then some? Somehow?) But when it got here, all of my fears turned to hilarity. I was RELIEVED. After months of being afraid, I finally felt free. I thought “This is what I was afraid of?” Because toxic shippers in the fandom got everything they wanted, just the way they wanted, but it is HORRIBLE! Because what they wanted was BAD. It watches just like the badly written fanfiction they demanded. Which is ALL this movie is: badly written fanfiction.

To quote Claudia Doumit when she read the script: “It feels like a fan wrote the movie.” Perhaps she means that in a positive way, but if a professional is writing “like a fan,” spoiler alert, it’s never a positive thing. It’s a “basic” thing.

Timeless movie is SO BAD that it is the least rewatched episode of all Timeless. Delayed returns on it are borderline embarrassing. Few people except Lucy/Wyatt shippers wanted to subject themselves to it a second time. Not to mention that support for Timeless and a third renewal fell into steep decline after the premiere. It seems not many people want more if this is the “more” we might have to look forward to.

imo, Future television writers should study this movie for direct examples of what NOT to do. It’s every worst case scenario, presented to you at breakneck speed. You barely have time to get over one absurdity before the next one hits. Not gonna lie. I’ll give kudos where due. I am legitimately IMPRESSED that writing managed to get every single thing wrong. Do you know how statistically impossible that is?!?!

Timeless movie really sort of took all the negatives, low points, disproportionate focus on romance, and bad writing of S2 and ran with them. That’s what it is. Concentrated S2, minus any good parts.

Basically, if you are a fan of Flynn, Lucy, Rufus, Jiya, Jessica, Emma, Connor, Denise, good writing, feminism, no plotholes, Riya, Garcy, or TIMELESS, please do not watch the Timeless movie. Save yourself. If your first (only?) priority is Wyatt and Lucy/Wyatt, go right ahead. It was made just (only?) for you.

Though obviously, I can’t/won’t stop you from watching. You may still want to form your own opinion, and if so, you have my full support. I hope that you find something appealing to make it worth your time. I especially hope that if you don’t, it doesn’t ruin Timeless for you, as it has other people. I still may watch it myself one day. I may. But not for entertainment purposes. Really just to mock it from a more informed standpoint. I’ve considered live-blogging the event. lol.

As is though, I basically know the entire movie through aforementioned friends and research. And I will summarize below the cut on the ways this movie failed Timeless and its fans. (PS: This is by no means everything. There’s just SO MUCH and I got tiiiired thinking about this monstrosity! Anyone is free to add on whatever I didn’t cover.)

[Spoilers]

Future Lucy gives the journal to Wyatt, the writer’s attempt to take something that has always been Flynn/Lucy’s thing and make it a L/W thing. (Somehow, we’re supposed to ignore that this Lucy already would have given her journal to Flynn in 2014. Conveniently, illogically, she has it again. So she can give it to Wyatt.)

Future Wyatt announces that Jessica was lying about being pregnant. Right out the gate. Great. Now, they get to kill her. Don’t worry, writing will strip away her entire character first so we don’t feel guilty when an “evil Rittenhouse agent” dies. It’s fine to kill a woman who was brainwashed from childhood, but let’s not kill a baby. We’ll just erase it instead. That’s different because reasons.

Writing introduces a new stipulation that people can coexist with time travel, but staying too long will kill them. This will come in handy later.

Also the new, updated Lifeboat will conveniently be able to do whatever the plot needs. Coexist? Sure. Autopilot? Suuuuure. Able to jump multiple times on one charge as if it had a nuclear core like the Mothership? Why not?!

If you thought Rittenhouse wasn’t scary anymore in S2, well hold onto this writer’s beer. Gone is any intimidation or purpose they once stood for. Now that Emma is running things, all that matters is stealing art and money from the past. Caution: Never go full two-dimensional evil.

Wyatt decides Jessica has to die and he’s the one who has to do it. But after half an argument from the team, he gives in and agrees not to. FLYNN will clean up Wyatt’s mess instead! Because suddenly, all that matters is he loves Lucy. Not his family. Not stopping Rittenhouse. No, he has to do this so that Lucy can be with Wyatt and Rufus can be alive.

Flynn tells Lucy that the journal can be unreliable. Despite this, he goes to 2012 and dooms himself because he believes, without a doubt, that Lucy’s heart will always belong to Wyatt, something he, ya know, got from the journal. And that neeeeeever changes. I mean, some guy said it was unreliable, but his name escapes me right now.

When 1x06 first aired and we heard the story of how Jessica died and how it was very much Wyatt’s fault, painting him in a negative light, I thought to myself (almost three years ago), “Wow. If we ever get a flashback of that night, writing is going to retcon all of that so hard so that it doesn’t look like Wyatt’s fault.” And lo! It’s Jessica’s fault now. She made Wyatt get jealous on purpose. She made him drink too much. She MADE HIM let her out of the car, per text orders of Rittenhouse agent. Poor Wyatt, what a victim. (Periodic reminder that Timeless hates women.)

Writing in the scene with Jessica’s death is so bad that we’re actually left with no alternative BUT to believe Wyatt was the original killer that night. Rittenhouse agent tells Jessica to get out of the car. This saves her life. No other person is seen on this road (save Flynn later) that could be the killer. And what’s the other course (the original timeline)? Without instruction, Jessica would have stayed in the car. And died. Wow, I can’t believe Wyatt killed Jessica in a drunken, jealous rage, but also I can. Also also writing just told us he did. If Rittenhouse wanted to make sure she was okay, they would tell her to stay in the car with her soldier husband, no matter what. That would save her. But what do they do instead? Hmmmm…….

Flynn kills Jessica and hurries to the Lifeboat, feeling the effects of coexistence taking affect. Set course for any time but this one, am I right? Wrong. Nah, better just die. Flynn sends the Lifeboat back to 1848 for the team and stays in 2012 so he can see his family one last time and then die. Because true character development is letting your five-year-old die violently two weeks before Christmas when you still have the life and power to prevent it.

Why does all of our correspondence end the same? Reply, reply, and then *crickets* Notice me, senpai. TToTT

For some reason (I mean, I know the reason. It’s bad writing by an idiot), dead Flynn’s fingerprints do not pull up when police find a John Doe on the beach. Despite the fact that he worked with the NSA and his prints would be on file.

I can’t with this woman:

Anywaaaaaaay, Rufus returns in a way that breaks all time travel rules thus far established in the show. Even though the team was traveling in 1848 with Flynn, suddenly it’s reset so that Rufus was there the entire time. Which, even if writing wants to claim that’s SOMEHOW possible, is still illogical because to overwrite that timeline, the characters’ memories would have also been overwritten. However, they remain perfectly intact with everyone remembering Rufus died. (Except Rufus, of course.)

Flynn dies because he stayed in the past too long. The writer would then go on twitter and pretend the matter was out of her hands, even though she’s the one who set the condition. She WROTE the rule that killed him, SO she could kill him. (This was previously not going to be a condition on coexisting time travel. Source: Interviews in which it was suggested that had Timeless been renewed for S3, Future Lucy and Wyatt may have stuck around for a few episodes.)

Arika would also say on twitter that, in her opinion, Flynn didn’t deserve a happy ending, to the uproar of many.

Writing tries to claim that Flynn was always the person who killed Jessica in 2012. Deer lord at the plotholes.

And the holes keep comin and they don’t stop comin. ♫

It’s Christmas now. For some reason. When the team returns to the bunker, there are Christmas decorations everywhere and we’re told that it’s Christmas in present day. Even though it was May yesterday.

There are more than a dozen ways to save Flynn at this point, but Arika doesn’t like him and just wants Lucy/Wyatt to bang. So you can bet none of them will be used. Also because she’s an idiot, the woman claimed on twitter that Flynn can’t possibly be brought back because he died while time traveling. Uh-huh. First off, what? He absolutely can be saved. Secondly, tell me how Rufus died again?

The characters acknowledge Flynn for a minute (in a toast give by WYATT, of all people) before promptly forgetting he ever existed until the end of the movie. When they need him again.

When Rufus wants to get intimate, Jiya tells him that she suffered some form of abuse while stranded in the past. That’s it. We will never talk about this again. Forget it ever happened. They brought it up just to scar Jiya even further and then ignore it. Anyone who tells you Timeless loves women is lying. Timeless wants to torture and torment women. FOR NO REASON!

Emma is the only person who cares Jessica is now dead. Because it sure as shirt wasn’t going to be her husband who like two days ago was desperately trying to get her to come home to her “family.” (Remember kids, women are just baby makers. If there’s not a baby in there, she’s garbage, and a minute spent mourning is a minute you’re not banging the next lady.) Emma plots revenge on the team, and honestly, by this point, I say let her do it. They’re horrible people.

Lucy boldly says she won’t be Wyatt’s second choice. So she can forget she said it in 10 minutes, when she’s suddenly fine with it.

Rufus is alive again, but all of his memories after 2x03 are conveniently erased. In his timeline, Lucy/Wyatt have been together this whole time, and he’s their biggest fan. He actually, canonically, verbally says that he’s “Team L/yatt.” That’s great because otherwise we’re left with a Rufus whose last words on the subject are:

“You are so worried about your stupid Lucy-Jessica soap opera that you forgot that there are other people here. Who matter to each other. Who love each other. If anything happens to her, Wyatt… I don’t think I can ever forgive you.”

Yeah, we can’t use that in the Lucy/Wyatt movie. Better erase the black man’s memory since he’s no longer serving his purpose: head cheerleader of the white couple!

Because Rufus’s memories are gone, all S2 development in the Riya relationship is gone with it. Damaging them even more after Jiya spent 3 years in the past (becoming hardened and almost a different person) and then watched him die. Don’t worry, writing will address none of this.

Rufus compares Lucy/Wyatt to Aragorn/Arwen. As a Tolkien nerd, I’ll throw down over this alone. IN WHAT WAY?!

There’s a pregnant woman in labor because leave no cliche unturned. Wyatt delivers the baby because what did I just say about cliches.

Lucy’s hormones go all a-twitter when she sees Wyatt holding said baby. Outside? In weather they admitted earlier is deathly freezing? (I mean, the mother might want to hold her own baby, but no. She has to get in line. Lucy absolutely HAS to have an epiphany that she needs Wyatt’s babies.)

Lucy decides that since Wyatt’s mistreatment of her was technically from another timeline, she can let go off all self-respect and tell herself he didn’t mean it. Also almost everyone else is dead or has their memories erased, so only they will know. Now Lucy can be with Wyatt and no one will judge her? Yay?

Despite Emma’s big speech in 2x10 about abandoning the pillars of “old Rittenhouse” and striking out on her own, she still backs down immediately when Denise makes Benjamin Cahill tell her to knock it off and surrender.

Emma dies at the hands of some deus ex machina random sniper. Letting us know the writer could no longer pretend she cared about any of this and just wanted to make Lucy/Wyatt bang. Are they banging yet? Bang now! Will this convenient and corny mistletoe move things along? Are they banging yet?

So Denise saves the day. In the most anti-climatic way. Meaning Rufus was never actually necessary and could have stayed dead. Actually, none of the team was necessary. Nothing in these episodes was necessary. All it took to end Rittenhouse was Denise and Ben. Roll credits.

Lucy decides NOT to save her sister Amy. Even though it’s what she has been fighting for since episode 2. Her reasoning? She says that trying to save the people they love has negative effects. (Let’s get one last jab at dead Flynn by saying, “Look at all the awful things that Flynn did in the name of saving his family.”) This is said in spite of the fact that Amy is SUPPOSED to be alive, and leaving her erased IS an alternate timeline, carrying the potential of being more catastrophic than SAVING HER and setting the events right.

PS: While in the past, Lucy JUST SAID, “What’s the point of saving history if we don’t save the people in it?” And then saved a stranger that was supposed to die. Writing for this movie does not care about consistency, only what’s relevant in the moment. And clearly the writer wanted Amy to stay dead.

Leaving Amy dead creates this lovely paradox:

Writer is too ignorant in time travel to understand that current timeline is erased, Lucy is now with Noah, and that is our endgame. Movie proceeds with Lucy/Wyatt ending.

The Mothership is dismantled for no reason. So now the team is stuck with ONE time machine for any future situations. Remind me again. Remind me. Why… did we have the Lifeboat in the first place? Oh yeah, Connor kept it in case the crew of the Mothership was ever stranded. And it came in handy after the Mothership was stolen. Right, who needs two time machines? Scrap her, boys!

In a flashforward to 2023, we see that Lucy is teaching at Stanford again. And she just got tenure! Which is a throwback to the Pilot, but completely ignores that it is not what Lucy wanted for herself, only what Carol influenced her into doing. Lucy’s dream job was to teach at a small college in Ohio. (Source: 1x14 conversation with Lindbergh.) But who CARES WHAT LUCY WANTS?! Certainly not a writer who barely knows the show upon which she is the showrunner.

Lucy is a thoroughly horrible fake feminist now. At her job, she teaches a general history class, but only talks about women in history. When a male student brings this up, Lucy says, “I meant to get to the men, but we just didn’t have time.Maybe in the spring, okay?” So he gets to sound sexist for valuing his education. Oh, wow, thanks. Feminism isn’t about ignoring men and acting like they’re not important. It’s about EQUALITY! Label your class as “Women’s History” if that’s all you’re going to teach. Also what if they don’t HAVE YOU next semester, Lucy?! They’re going on to their next classes completely unprepared. Remind me again how this woman got tenure? Because she didn’t get it in the Pilot due to her unconventional teaching methods. Somehow not adhering to your own course description is the secret to success?

Lucy and Wyatt have two twin girls named Flynn and Amy. There are so many bad fanfiction cliches I want to cry. TToTT Why are you making me cry? Never. name. the. second. generation. after. characters. that. died. It’s. THE. corniest. thing. Petition. to. stop!

Jiya and Rufus started “Riya Industries.” That’s right! They squeezed not one, BUT TWO fandom ship names into this nightmare. If you needed further proof no one was taking this movie seriously, here ya go.

2023 Lucy does take the journal to 2014 Flynn in the bar in Sao Paulo, but everything about it is wrong. Not only do Rufus and Wyatt accompany her, but the conversation leads to Lucy telling a man who just lost his family that he can change the past but will never save his family. Also he’ll die. And he should just accept all of that but still do what she says and sacrifice himself to save a world that hates him. And the entire conversation takes place in about a minute. I mean, people had a hard time believing Flynn would buy into Lucy’s story and do what she said after 2x08 premiered. Now? NO EFFING WAY!

A clip (deleted scene from Pilot) of 2016 Flynn at the end shows him about to raid Mason Industries and start us over again. In other words, he is stuck in Hell loop for eternity. His family will die in 2014, he will do horrible things he hates to save them and the world from Rittenhouse, and he will die unnecessarily to save the world. Then Lucy will go back in time, give him the journal, and start him on this quest all over again, knowing full well that he is a good man and this will destroy his soul. But she doesn’t care (actually smiles as she approaches him) because he “did bad things” and the writer thinks he deserves this. Even though Lucy is the one who set him on this path and one can EASILY argue it is all her doing and Flynn was nothing but her tool. Don’t worry, she gets her happy ending.

The movie closes on a young girl designing specs for her own time machine. Motives unknown, other than general interest, same as Connor in the beginning. The writer thinks this is an AMAZING open ending, leaving plenty of groundwork for more Timeless when fans get it renewed for a third time. (It is not. No one cares. You killed Timeless and flew all its plots into the ground.)

In conclusion, yes, worst case scenario on every single plot point. Timeless does nothing to prove or even suggest it deserves a third chance. I personally am left wishing it had never been renewed after the initial cancellation following S1. Let it stay dead now. Forever. It has done nothing to deserve yet another chance.

RIP Timemess.

[writingpostmidnight]

TV Show Tag

thanks for taggin me @waterberry-strawmelon 🥰

Rules: Pick 5 shows, then answer the following questions. Tag 5 people.

realizing rn that i don’t watch a lot of tv shows???? i’ve been real into various youtubers lately & not watching actual tv

Star Trek: The Next Generation

The Umbrella Academy

The Good Place

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Disjointed (🤷‍♂️)

Who is your favorite character in 2?

i’m a simple gay. it’s klaus for sure. i mean come on.

Who is your favorite character 1?

data! he’s the reason i got into the show when i was a kid, and i still have a huge attachment to him. i see a lot of parallels in his “android trying to be human” plot and my experience as a trans person and as a mentally ill & neurodivergent kid.

What is your favorite episode of 4?

ooo okay this is hard ?? i do really like the coral palms episodes where jake & holt are in witness protection and being bc they’re dynamic is def my favorite of the entire cast. i also love almost all the doug judy episodes (except the most recent one ugh cops still be coppin).

overall though, i’d have to say season 5 Ep 9: “99.” we got rosa being confirmed bi. we got road trip content. we the squad supporting holt. good shit.

(also controversial opinion alert? i don’t like the last few seasons’ halloween heist episodes that much. i’m a Sensitive Babey and i just want them to be nice to each other. plus the way they get during the recent heists just feels kind of ooc to me?? idk)

What is your favorite season of 5?

Disjointed only has 2 seasons (or “parts” as they’re called on netflix) with ten episodes each 😔. i guess the first season, but there’s no dramatic shift in quality or whatever. the second season puts a lot more focus on romantic relationships and a realer plot & it’s fun, but i’m really just in it for the found family stoners & dumb little gags sjkssj.

Who is your favorite couple in 3?

chidi and eleanor. it’s the obvious choice, but i’m not exaggerating when i say that their romance completely changed the way that i viewed love, soulmates, and fate. before this how i used to believe hardcore in soulmates (not to knock anyone who does, i’m not the authority on the universe jsksjdks).

but chidi realizing that soulmates don’t exist in the good place when he spent his entire life wishing for one perfect person, and choosing to be with eleanor because he grew to be deeply in love with her was just *chef kiss.*

it made me realize that there’s something insanely romantic about just choosing to be with someone. maybe i didn’t know them in past lives long forgotten. maybe they aren’t a part of some cosmic plan. maybe it’s even lovelier that i’ve gotten to meet someone, to get to know them, to get close to them, to fall in love, to try, to choose them, to make them my soulmate. i’m rambling on i just loved that the good place explored that idea.

Who is your favorite couple in 2?

dave & klaus, obvi. klaus deserves l o v e

What is your favorite episode of 1?

oh there’s wayyy too many good episodes for me to figure out my absolute fave. i love love every data-centric episode tho. i also love the episodes where they time travel jdksks.

What is your favorite episode of 5?

i’d say part 1 ep 3 “rutherford b haze” (yeah this show’s about as intelligent as the ep titles would suggest). the gags and jokes in this one one crack me up tbh.

it does have a weird ‘did u just assume my gender’ seeming joke at the beginning that annoys me, but it has some trans rights jokes in other episodes so i can ignore it.

the commercial gags alway SEND me, & they’re real good in this episode.

What is your favorite season of 2?

there’s only one season out 😔

How long have you watched 1?

my family are all big fans of star trek, so i watched episodes here and there growing up, and i think i binged it in its entirety the summer after i turned eleven. i’ve rewatched it a Lot since then tho shdjshd

How did you become interested in 3?

everyone was hyped for it on tumblr, it was by micheal schur of parks n rec and b99, so made myself sit through the pilot, and then i was hooked. (actually i got bored halfway through the pilot and came back three weeks later when i finished binging b99 again and then i was hooked.)

Who is your favorite actor in 4?

andy samberg hands down. i mean come on. i think half of my sense of humor comes from watching him on SNL and thelonelyisland’s youtube channel as a kid. he’s hilarious.

Which do you prefer, 1, 2, or 5?

TNG. it’s a big comfort show. it’s interesting & immersive enough to distract, but fun enough that it’s not stressful.

Which show have you seen more episodes of, 1 or 3?

i’ve seen all the episodes for both! i’ve definitely rewatched TNG more tho.

If you could be anyone from 4, who would you be?

Gina because she’s not a cop jeksjsnsksn.

Would a crossover between 3 and 4 work?

imagine: jake peralta, rosa diaz, captain holt, amy santiago, etc., all arrive to the afterlife neighborhoods so they can confront their moral failing of being cops and ascend to the good place 😍 BDBSNSN

Pair two characters in 1. Who would make an unlikely but strangely okay couple?

honestly let geordi and data date. cowards.

Overall, which show has the better storyline, 3 or 5?

JDKSKSK THE GOOD PLACE BY A LONG SHOT. the good place gave me a spiritual, moral, emotional, and existential crisis. disjointed made me laugh when i was high. i love them both.

Which has better theme music, 2 or 4?

ugh. b99’s theme annoys me. so much brass. not a brass fan. uhh i think the umbrella academy’s theme is mostly strings and i like strings. also, tua has the best soundtrack jshdjsbd bops.

mkay i’ll tag: @winter-soltis @thelittlestspider @history-be-written @jorzuela @minniemao (ignore if u wanna)

[nossbean]

Top 7 comfort movies

I’m roughly 12 years late to the party but I was tagged by @ajoblotofjunk and @ilikeblue ! Thanks so much!

So confession up front - when looking for comfort stuff I actually tend towards TV! So here’s a mix of comfort media XD Also, like, in which I ramble only semi-coherently about things I love. 😅

1. Singin’ in the Rain

I... have no deep reasons for loving this. I just - I love Cosmo Brown. I love tap dancing. I love the earnestness of this whole flick and the OT3-ness that is just, like, everywhere in this damn movie. The songs are catchy, the dancing is impressive as all get out, it’s a lot of fun. The dorky scenes about enunciation - even if I could do without the sexist overtones to Lena’s storyline. I used to work in TV, so the stuff about where to put the mics was RELATABLE (if... not exactly the same ofc). The cast is attractive. There is 1 space mom (Debbie Reynolds) and 1 space aunt (Cyd Charisse) in it, which tickles me xD 

Let’s see, I’ve given random headcanons on Singin’ before, but let’s go with this one. When watching it the first time in my twenties and “Make ‘em Laugh” came on, my pal said with such deep earnest and pained joy, “Cosmo is doing all this just to make Don laugh,” and I think about that every time I watch that sequence. 

THE LOVE. it’s eVERYWHERE.

2. Parks and Recreation

Look, I can totally see how Parks & Rec isn’t for everyone. But to me, it’s a half-hour long televisual hug of people doing their best to love each other and make the world better, with helpings of political commentary and utterly absurd comedy. It definitely doesn’t come without caveats and is already dated in some ways, but in a weird way, I appreciate that Schur & Goor have grown in their politics that missteps taken in P&R aren’t repeated in and are often actually rectified in B99 & The Good Place. I deeply, deeply love the relationship between Ben and Leslie, and how hard Leslie loves: people, Pawnee, politics, public service. The families-of-choice vibes are strong in this one and there are few things I am more of a suck for than families-of-choice. I could ramble endlessly on this one, so I’ll cut myself off there.

Anyhoops, I have very many feelings about P&R and if you’ve been wondering whether to watch it but holding back for whatever reason, please DEFINITELY message me and I will share with you my many thoughts on why you should watch, where there might be squicks, and why you should actually start with season 2, episode 21 (yes, even the completionists amongst you).

Bonus gif:

3. Jurassic Park

... I love dinosaurs, and I love Dr Ellie Satler. She is amazing and if there was a gif of her with the triceratops I would have chosen that one. Between her general personality/competency, her unabashed feminism and her face, she remains the best 🥰Also I appreciate that Lex also got to save the day, in a way v specific to her skillset and that the film didn’t dismiss her despite being v scared and way outside her comfort zone in the outdoorsy survival parts of the film. 

I also have fond memories of going to see it for my sixth birthday and going to the bathroom when the T-rex eats Gennaro, so not totally understanding why all my pals were terrified when I got back. Ofc I then had fears that a t-rex would stomp and crush our home, but *handwaves* I grew out of that fear. And grew a new one.

4. Avatar: the Last Airbender

Ho-hum. Where to start with Avatar. Lmao, in the context of Game of Thrones (to which it has been ofc compared lately) just having a long-form television show which delivers on the vast majority of its themes and premises is a relief and satisfying. But, I liked Avatar long before I was back in the GOT-verse so. It’s a compelling narrative, carefully constructed and mindful of the stories and values it’s putting out into the world. And those stories, values and themes aren’t light. It tackles war, genocide, familial abuse, revenge, and redemption alongside things like building family, accepting differences, forgiveness, and honesty. That said, it balances those things with children-being-children, and moments of grace and humour. Each character is well-drawn, their personalities and choices respected, and the idea that character-drives-plot is masterfully demonstrated. Hey look - we’ve got some families-of-choice vibes here too!

I think I’ve previously rambled in the tags of a post about Katara specifically. But as someone who has, ah, an appreciation for anger and an awareness that women + anger = bad, societally speaking, Katara was a breath of fresh air. She is as compassionate as she is angry, and while there are philosophical differences between characters when it comes to her acting on her anger, the anger itself is never questioned or denigrated, by other characters or by the narrative itself. Her anger is never used as a tool to invalidate her other characteristics, or the reverse (her compassion, her nurturing side, etc, are never used to invalidate her anger), and she means a lot to me.

Also idk what this is but it came up when I searched Avatar and if I have to see it and be slightly confused and embarrassed then so do you:

5. Pacific Rim

lmao I rambled so much about the past few I’m tempted to just say: I JUST LOVE IT OK. Which is true, but. A bit more. Pacific Rim is like two hours of hope. I think I have in my queue a post that describes the relationship between Mako and Raleigh as two hurt & hardened warriors who nonetheless find softness with each other, and that is 100% true. But that ignores how in many ways, the same is true for Stacker and Mako, and even Stacker and Raleigh to degrees. Stacker’s adoption of Mako is very important. A black man with an East London accent being the most vital person in the movement to save the world is important. The multi-national, scrappy and semi-guerilla response to a weird af global threat, and the related deep humanity in facing the end of the world and hoping against hope that there’s a chance, also deeply resonant. 

It’s also stunning: Guillermo del Toro and his colour schemes, y’all. The fight scenes are so GOOD and INTERESTING and just so blatantly done by someone who knew exactly what they were doing and loved every minute of it. The idea of the drift and of drift compatibility is lovely: that philosophical belief in the interconnectedness of people. The (somewhat blink-and-you-miss-it) background class commentary (del Toro, icu) 👏. 

And, ofc, as with many on this list: the centering of Mako, the dedication to playing out the full emotional arc, of her having complex emotions which are respected and acknowledged by other characters and the narrative... yes please thank you.

6. Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries

Women being competent and supported is deeply comforting. I’ve particularly found myself rewatching MFMM as the world is on fire. Just - watching Phryne build her family (families of choice!) and her community, get her men, and win the day through cleverness and determination is heartening.

7. The Holiday

I love Kate Winslet’s arc in this. But honestly I think much of my love for this centres on the fact that I saw it when v much longing to move to the UK and it is the most charming/romantic portrayal of Britain and that appealed to 20 y-o K who was so desperate to go. That said, the arc between Iris & Arthur (eg the gif below) makes me cry every time, so there’s that.

As mentioned, I’m v late to this game so I don’t know who’s been tagged! If you haven’t done it yet, please consider yourself tagged & let me know when you’ve done it! (Yes, I definitely do mean you!)

[planetarywho]

Hey, universe. Sorry about that.

It's been a while since I've done that, now that I'm actually seeing my therapist regularly. But these past few days have been... Bad. Lock all the Xanax away kind of bad. So, I'm going to ramble a bit, to try and feel a bit more human. Sorry if anyone stumbles across this.

My dog died last week, and I was with her at the clinic a bit before that, and couldn't go to my therapist. Partially for physical reasons - the stress, smells and noises of the vet clinic made my migraine flare up bad. But I've gone like that before, or even worse. Seeing my girl breathing through a tube, and incapable of even licking our hands - one of her very favourite activities... I didn't feel up to talking. So I went home, took two Xanax, and hugged my other dog.

After that... The migraine came back full force, my mom went to another state to visit our relatives, and I just... Kinda froze. I left the house one day, went to the movies, and felt almost normal. Than, I spent the following three days locked inside, eating as little as possible, and feeling in absolute panic almost the entire time. I finished my crochet jumper, and listened to podcasts on repeat, and tried to stay in the dark as much as possible, ignoring everyone who tried to contact me. I cancelled my private student's classes, declaring a holiday, and told my lyrical singing teacher I'd return in August.

I tried to be healthier when possible. Last night, I forced myself to wash my hair. Today, I ordered lunch (because four days in a row without real food felt like a bit much, but cooking took more energy than I could muster), and went downstairs to have dinner with my stepfather.

And the thing is, if I'm honest, the reason was not my migraine. Sure, I had a flare, but nothing really major. Usually, with that level of pain, I'd take one or two codeines, and just go on with my day. Hell, more often than not I'd not even take any medicine. I'm used to the physical pain, and the aura and all that. The thing that kept me here was the depression, and nothing else.

I haven't had any episodes like that in years. Not that bad. Sure, I have plenty bad days, and the panic attacks are still coming way too often. My good crafting blades are in a box, inside another box, deep in the back of my cupboard, just to be safe. I always carry my crochet for when either the aura or the anxiety make me shake, or I start dissociating, and my headphones stay either on my ears or close at hand almost all the time.

A friend needed help today, and I tried to do so, to no substantial success besides phycological support. I tried to write, but it simply didn't work. And even moving felt uncomfortable. For the past six hours, I've been sitting in front of my computer, trying to crochet, or to settle on a movie to watch, or a series, or game, or whatever. I cried for no reason, shivered all the time, and had to control myself not to run or check behind my back every second, even when getting some calming tea or - surprise, surprise! - unlocking the Xanax and getting one to see if I can stop panicking for two seconds. So I'm crocheting frantically, rewatching Sense8 and writing more than I should about my personal life online. Tomorrow, maybe I'll try to go to a crafting lesson downtown, or take my laptop to the public library to try and finish my latest short story, which is due on the 20th. Just so that... I'm around people.

Because two days ago I went researching just how many of my shitton of controlled medications were needed for a fatal dose, and my hands are covered in little bruises and tiny pinpricks from the needle I use for bookbinding. I'm shivering, but to freaked out to move upstairs to my room. I'm seriously considering tapping into my Roller Derby equipment savings and scheduling an appointment at my hairdresser, to see if that is enough to make me feel mildly under control again. My support system is currently unavailable (mom out of the state, my dad depressed, one friend grieving, another sick, the others just not close enough right now for me to reach out to), and I'm still not close enough to my new therapist to feel comfortable enough to talk about important stuff.

I'm a bit calmer, now. The shaking is not as bad. The Xanax is starting to work, even if that comes with the bonus of sucking out more of my energy. The worse of the panic and anxiety seem to have passed. So, I'll crochet a bit more, and then go to bed. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.