#i’ve been staying with my parents because i need the emotional support but i’m literally not getting emotional support. just disappointment

[transformersarelikemagicalgirlz]

Ugh I can’t believe I’m venting here of all places but I also need to get this out so bad

For context, i haven’t had an irl friend since I was 11. My parents didn’t want me in public school, the stay at home parent couldn’t drive, I was babied and not even trusted to leave the house to walk/bike ANYWHERE without a parent, but I finally did manage to be allowed social media in my late 16’s.

Both friend groups I’ve had online were ones I cared about deeply and they both ended with me realizing they didn’t care about me in return. One I was the oldest of and 80% of the group was 13, but I still got along with them anyways and after a whole year of being the mom friend, the therapist, the “Ill call the police if you don’t throw up all those pills you intentionally OD’d on because I’m not letting you take your own life so young” stays up all night spam calling them when they said they were gonna ktms only to find out they were bluffing and never even took all those pills or actually intended to hurt themselves, that kind of friend. Then when push came to shove, the one time I needed them, the one time I literally had to Voice message because I couldn’t see my keyboard through tears, they completely ignored and roleplayed over the top of me and left my messages on read.

The second was so much better, they were supportive and funny and super invested in the fandom I’m hyper fixated on and you can ask anyone in my family I was BEYOND happy with them. Then out of the blue, the admin messages me to tell me I’ve sent a server invite. I hadn’t, I didn’t even have people to invite in and I had been hiking in the desert for four hours straight with my family. They let me back in and then booted me out AGAIN after a literal misunderstanding with them thinking I was “Acting like they didn’t have a reason to kick me in the first place”, and said “I think it best if you just leave sorry.”

I tried to explain myself and they came back with “Uh huh, you still sent an invite which is all I need to know.” Mind you I’ve been friends with these people for MONTHS at the time this happens and they’re completely unwilling to hear me out.

Out of desperation not to be kicked from my only friend group at the time I offered to show them screenshots of all my recent DM’s to try and prove I hadn’t sent an invite, they came back with “I don’t need to see that you could’ve deleted the message 💀”. ATP they’re condescending me and acting as if the situation is funny and I’m having a meltdown sobbing in front of my mom and unbeknownst to me at the time starting to get sick from too much sun that day.

So I’m sobbing and seeing red at the same time, and I told them to shove a cactus up their ass but that I’d be explaining to everybody through DM’s why I was gone and what happened. But they got to everyone first, @‘ing everyone just showing me being aggressive and telling them to shove a cactus in their ass and they managed to turn everyone against me. One very sweet person was nice enough to share screenshots of the situation and let me know about it before I ever even reached out to anyone and at that point I was too humiliated to say anything watching everyone make fun of me.

I couldn’t hold food down for the next two days out of a mixture of emotional upset and what might have been heatstroke from that hike. As of today it’s been a week, 2 hours and thirty minutes since that happened and I still haven’t heard from any of those people after the admin blocked me on everything. I still have a DM with most of the people there, but they haven’t once reached out to me and I’m too scared to reach out to them. I just keep thinking about it all on loop.

Oh, and as a bonus fun little side note they fucking posted a slideshow of our DM’s on TikTok, tagged me in it and said “Uh you deserved to be banned as this screenshot shows you invited someone so yeah sowwy ☺️” AND DIDNT BLURR OR CENSOR MY USERNAME. That’s wrong on a LOT of levels, but holy fuck I’m so glad that video got taken down. I hope their 11 likes was worth my internet privacy. And again I legitimately have no clue where that invite was sent, i still swear on my life I didn’t do that.

So yeah, not a peep from any of them and I’m seeing a pattern here. Am I obnoxious, am I boring, do people not find me funny… literally wtf am I doing wrong that nobody cares about me as much as I cared about them? Maybe those were just texts to them but to me online interaction is my ONLY interaction, it meant a lot to me. Maybe I can’t force them to care about me but I wish I could at least force them to understand how bad it feels to realize you’re not cared for. Do I just sound like a chronically online pussy who’s being selfish? Idk, but the loneliness is fucking killing me and I’m scared to be open or even joke around with people anymore. I feel like there’s a standard I’m not aware of that I have to fit for anyone to even consider me an acquaintance.

I still feel literally sick just thinking about the year wasted with those first people and then months with the second, I can’t get all that time back and it doesn’t feel like a happy memory anymore it just puts a pit in my stomach to think of how it all ended.

Christ it’s 2:41 am now and this must sound so fucking dramatic, I need to go to bed.

[akayeh1]

This was Gregory the Love Sponge. I’ll share more about him another day, but how I met Dusty has to include the story of how I met Gregory. You’ll see why as we go.

In the fall of 2002 I was told that I needed to find an animal to share my life with. At that time he was being prescribed as an emotional support animal and I had a fairly wide selection of animals to choose from. However I was living on campus and wanted to keep my fellow dorm mates in mind when choosing. I may have had a room to myself but an animal could impact the studies of others. I didn’t want that. Emotional support animals don’t have full public access rights so would have to stay home while you are in class. A dog would not be a good choice as almost every dog I’ve ever met loudly barks. And often. (That’s still true.) I next thought about a cat. There was a family cat in my parents’ home. No…. Keeping a cat in a single room would prove problematic. Maybe a bird? Oh no! Not a bird!!! My cousin had a cockatiel who was deeply in love with a mayonnaise commercial and drove everyone nuts! Never a bird. I went on petfinder looking for ideas. Hey! Bunnies!!! They don’t bark. They will stay in one room. They don’t sing. They are quiet pets. Perfect!

So I picked out three bunnies online from the closest HRS and spent a lot of e-mail back and forth and had everything bought and ready and went to go meet my new friend.

J brought me down to the bunny room. I’d never seen so many buns! All sizes. All shapes. All colors. She leads me over to the little brown Polish, the first bun on my list to meet. I end up standing next to a larger bun who quite literally is beating down the door of his cage (dog crate). J calls over her shoulder to me that I might as well open the door and pet him because he won’t stop until I do! Okay…

I open the door very carefully so he doesn’t try to jump out and reach a hard in to gently pet him. He’s having none of that and shoves the door all the way open and starts climbing out as fast as I can try to push him back in! He’s faster!!! Uh oh…. Now what??? I’ve got an arm full of fuzzy rabbit with another on the way and all I can do is pet him for all I’m worth hoping he doesn’t have plans on going anywhere else! Apparently not…. He’s getting heavier and heavier and the clown is going to sleep!

Just then J turns around with the little brown bunny half the size of the behemoth in my arms and busts out laughing. I’ve got a look of panic on my face as I’m still petting for all I’m worth. She just turns around and puts the brown Polish back. I never met him. Or any bun else for that matter.

She then called over her shoulder the best piece of bunny advice I’ve ever been told: “Some people pick bunnies and some bunnies pick people. Congratulations! You’ve just been picked!” She also told me one other thing…. “Oh, by the way, that rabbit hates being held.” Do what??? As I looked down at this lump in my arms that could be snoring if bunnies snored for all I knew! Could have fooled me!

When she was done she had me put him back. Uh yeah. Sure. He woke up and disagreed immediately with the concept and was climbing back out as quickly as I was putting him back in! When he got to my shoulder she decided it was going to take two of us to foil his plans and shove his butt back in. “Twinkle” did not like the answer of I’ll be back in two weeks. Luckily his I want you choice was just as strong two weeks later. I’ll bet he was a real pain to deal with in the meantime. Lol.

Fast forward to April 2015. I’m back at the HRS at the new bunny house to find a new friend. Gregory missed moving to the apartment by six weeks when he left in 11/2013. So I’m thoroughly done unpacking and quite lonely these days. I had contemplated a dog but my folks talked me into another bunny. I’m glad they did. So I went down to the meet the current inmates looking for a jailbreak.

After Gregory I learned my lesson. I had no preconceived notions about who I was coming home with. The only thing I was sure of was that they would be of the lagomorphic persuasion.

I walked up and down the aisles. I looked into each crate. I scratched any noses that stuck out. I paid close attention to anyone who seemed to pay close attention to me. I started to narrow down those who were out for scratches from everyone who walked by to those who were only paying attention to me. I got down to four.

One was a pretty grey bunny with white inside the ears and belly and under the tail.

One was a Rex that was grey and white splotched all over.

One was long furred white with grey on the ears, nose, toes, and tail.

One was a completely black Minilop.

Gregory was a broken chinchilla Minilop. Aka a grey and white splotched Minilop. With a luxurious double coat.

The bunnies that were sent whispers to pay attention to me…. The irony wasn’t lost on me. If you ever wonder if animals have souls. Be still and look and listen. They send messages. Sometimes subtle. Sometimes funny.

So I did two more trips paying attention just to the emissaries. The Rex was cage protective. I wasn’t sure I wanted to take on that fight. The mostly grey girl wasn’t very interactive. I needed someone who cared whether I was there or not. The lop was well a typical lop but not the clown Greg had been. And definitely not a love sponge. He was interested but…. Then there was this other little ball of energy. His marker said Jersey Woolly but when I looked at him he had little bits of litter, a few bits of chow, a few shards of chewed cardboard box all stuck in his fur. I laughed and told him that he did not look like a Skeeter! “Why you’re nothing but a dust bunny!” I did one more lap of the crates and as I did so, that little ball of fluff raced back and forth trying to keep me in view at all times and got upset if he couldn’t!

When I told the shelter workers that he was the one I wanted to see they couldn’t believe it. They figured he’d be there for months to years. He had been captured just two weeks before and only gotten back from his neuter three days before! They double checked three times that I was serious it was him. Yeah him.

He let me pick him up, look at his nails, spread his toes, look at his teeth, in his ears, feel his belly, and pet him as he explored next to me. Never complained and never fought beyond a halfhearted wiggle.

He was named Dust Bunny thereafter aka Dusty but his shelter name did lend a nickname. I found myself comparing him to his predecessor who at his biggest was six pounds. And at about 3.5 pounds when adopted Dusty was little. One day I told him he wasn’t nothing but a little bug and “Bug” stuck. Many argued that he was so big! I described him as a four pound rabbit with four inches of fur. He was just well insulated.

Love the fuzzies in your life.

[transpersian]

Addendum.

Follow-up to my original post about leaving the conflict. From my Twitter thread last week (2/22).

Sorry I didn't post it sooner; I literally just got out of six days in the hospital.

A particularly kind anon sent me an ask that clarified a few things for me, so I’d like to write an update to my explanation for withdrawing.

Last month, I had one of the worst mental collapses I’ve ever had, and that’s saying something.

I don’t want to get into the details because those are private. Suffice it to say that when I said my emotional needs finally exceeded the capacity of my support network, I mean that I spiraled into a place that I haven’t been in since June, with a few days of July to cap it off.

If you read my doc, you may remember that that was the worst of it. Endless BPD spiraling, all coping mechanisms failing one by one until freefall. I call this place “the pit.”

Friends gently coax me to not stay too long and I wryly joke back, “Buddy, I’ve got a vacation home down here.”

One highly unlikely happenstance after another throughout this has me finally returning to work after essentially eight months, if you count June (since I was unable to do anything despite being on the clock).

I have a good job that I’ve kicked ass at since September 2019. I had four YEARS of momentum built up into an ambitious project that was going to kick my career into its next phase.

That’s gone now.

I need to rebuild my career momentum practically from scratch now, and this mental collapse hit a couple of weeks into finally getting back to work.

Only this time, I didn’t even have the few supports that I did back in June.

I also have a lot of personal things to tend to aside from my own health. A family wedding and all of the drama that entails. Totaling my car in December. Parents divorcing. Loved ones who are entering new phases of mental and physical decay, and adapting to these heavy new paradigms.

I wasn’t exaggerating when I said that all of my friends who’ve been watching me go through this all this time have been trying to push me to find a way to get out.

“What does the end of this look like?” “We’re worried about you.” “I want my friend back.”

I never thought I’d have an out. I thought that no matter what I did, they’d blame me for all of it because it started with my thread. I thought I’d be looking over my shoulder for them and their fans for the rest of my life.

Initially, some people didn't realize that I was ready to go that far, and when some of my friends figured it out, it scared them (and rightfully so). We'd accepted my obsession as collateral damage that we'd figure out later, but it was still worrying.

I didn’t enter that conversation expecting anything, so when it went the way that it did, I have to admit that I was somewhat relieved. The fight is out of my hands now anyway and this is what everyone has been telling me I need to do.

So I did it.

I hope you can understand what I mean when I say that, in that moment, thinking about the fight and the cost, how rightfully worried my friends were about me, how long I’d been in it, and how much I was currently doing… the choice was clear.

Even my own side wanted me out.

I’m the DMZ now, and while nobody “owes” me their trust, anon was right: it would be helpful if people knew that this has been taking a major toll on me and my life. Most people directly involved are glad I’m out (even if they’re not necessarily happy with how it happened).

Has this affected my relationship dynamics with them? Absolutely. Some will flat-out never trust me again and I don’t blame them.

But I'm not okay.

I can't keep doing this anymore.

This is for the best and it was the right time for me to bow out. This is just… how it happened. Freak timing and happenstance. A perfect storm.

At the very least, try to imagine a scenario where I'm not betraying anyone beyond bowing out.

Because if I have another breakdown like last month, my income is just the first thing I'll be losing.

So...

I don’t know how much all of that matters to anyone, but I thought I’d put it out there. I’d love to be unblocked by some people, but it is what it is.

Don’t really know how to end this one. Hope it at least helped some people hate me less.

[nametakeb]

Emotional abuse

I don’t know if this qualifies as emotional abuse but I’ve been miserable with my husband about 50% of the time we’ve been married. I feel like he does things that are so out of line sometimes, but I don’t know how to set my boundaries and stand up for myself. He usually blames me for any emotional issues we have, and despite my recommending marriage counseling multiple times, he believes it’s “bad for the relationship” and that “if we can’t talk to each other without a therapist then what’s the point”. I’ve repeatedly explained the benefits of couples counseling, and although he says he’s open to it, everything else he says suggests he is not.

I’ve been raised in therapy and find it very helpful, especially in conflicts where one or both parties feel unheard. I just feel like he’s put everything on me. He has no job, isn’t in school and despite saying he has plenty of money saved, I don’t trust a word of it. He’s historically been bad with money management, whereas I’ve been very conservative but comfortable. He feels I’m not spending enough time doing the things he wants, but he gives me zero alone time to myself outside of work. I’m tempted to hang out at my parents house for the solitude. B

He gets mad that I don’t want to go to a drug induced music event that costs >200$ and involves sleeping in a tent with no showers and being around hard drugs(I have a bad back). He knows I’m not interested in hard drugs but says “I always say no to his ideas” because I said no to this. This snowballs into me being a bad partner because I “never want to do anything with him”. Since he has no job, I’ve been trying to be conservative financially, but he thinks he has all this money to spend since he gets a small amount of unemployment, and now he suddenly has all these expensive events he wants to atttend. How do I make him take the situation more seriously? He feels like he has a whole year to take off and switch careers, but I know he won’t be able to keep on top of rent for more than 6 months at this point.

I think he needs to pick a career and stick with it ( he’s had 2 big ideas and each one is less realistic than the one before it). Financially he does not have as much freedom as he thinks and it’ll be a harsh reality when he does his taxes. How can I protect myself from this financial destruction? We agreed to keep our money separate once married but I feel like I’m going to be pushed to where I have no choice but to spend tens of thousands on keeping him afloat or keeping myself afloat and I will always put myself first. (Lived single long enough to know I don’t need a man).

Any advice appreciated. I love this man but he has been emotionally abusive in the past and I see old habits starting to resurface. I want to support him, but I don’t feel like he’s invested enough to make it worth it. I’m also not going to put up with emotional abuse for the rest of my life - I know I deserve better.

About me. - 36 no kids, married to a man, bisexual but never really dated women. Low sex drive due to mental health meds. I know my life isn’t over and I’m not super attached to having kids. I’m just feeling super alone and I literally can’t talk to anyone because I don’t want anyone close to me to know how bad my marriage is right now. Hope everyone else is staying strong out there.

[thebluespirit83]

debunking pro-snape/anti-james arguments and putting it on the internet because clearly i hate myself. buckle up. this is gonna be a VERY long post. im ready for the amount of hate i will get; im willing to take one for the team. 

1. james forced lily into dating/marrying/etc him 

this literally never happened? because its almost as if lily is her own person who is able to stand up for herself-

“I wouldn’t go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid,” said Lily.

“LEAVE HIM ALONE!” Lily shouted. She had her own wand out now. James and Sirius eyed it warily.

She turned on her heel and hurried away [from james]. 

-and so she would not allow someone to walk all over her. its almost as if james (canonically) matured as a person, and she appreciated this, realised he was a good person and got feelings for him? because james’ only negative traits were that he was conceited and a show off. people are able to mature and grow from these things! james did this! he did not ‘force’ lily to go out with him!

2. james and the other marauders bullied snape

you know what, i cant even disagree with this one. you’re right - they did bully him. but lets look a little bit at the context. 

sirius and james were both upper class, naive white rich boys. they are idiots. they were both stupid smart teenagers!! they were popular! and while this does not excuse the gross bullying snape was subject to-

Pink soap bubbles streamed from Snape’s mouth at once; the froth was covering his lips, making him gag, choking him

Several people watching laughed; Snape was clearly unpopular ... Snape was trying to get up, but the jinx was still operating on him; he was struggling, as though bound by invisible ropes.

-it (unfortunately) makes sense with context. james and sirius also stopped bullying people, and even expressed discomfort/regret with the way they acted-

“I’m not proud of it,” said Sirius quickly.

“Of course he was a bit of an idiot!” said Sirius bracingly, “we were all idiots!

[sirius talking to remus] you made us feel ashamed of ourselves sometimes

A lot of people are idiots at the age of fifteen. He grew out of it.

-when they were younger! i’d also like to point out these little lines i noticed when i was finding quotes for my argument which snape stans like to ignore:

James and Snape hated each other from the moment they set eyes on each other

I mean, he [snape] never lost an opportunity to curse James

there was a flash of light and a gash appeared on the side of James’s face, spattering his robes with blood

wow, look at that. the hate they felt for each other was mutual! snape also jinxed james! but oh wait - james was the one who matured! snape was the one who bullied his son twenty years later because he looked like james! 

3. snape didnt abuse the kids at hogwarts 

here’s a real argument i saw when looking through some pro-snape posts: ‘snape wasn’t an abuser, because abusers don’t let their victims retaliate, but snape did let the kids talk back to him’

what. the. fuck?! 

this is the dictionary.com definition of abuse: ‘to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way’ or ‘to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about’. i’m pretty sure snape did both of these things-

“I don’t need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!”

“So,” said Snape, gripping Harry’s arm so tightly Harry’s hand was starting to feel numb.

Snape threw Harry from him with all his might.

[hermione’s teeth]  "I see no difference."

‘Idiot boy!’ snarled Snape [at neville]

-on multiple occasions. i’d also like to remind you guys that neville’s worst fear is SNAPE?! his TEACHER, a figure that is supposed to be there for emotional and educational support is his worst fear in this entire world?! above the woman who drove his parents to insanity? over failure, over his abusive grandmother, over everything? his teacher? and for the pro-snaper that used this quote-

Nearly everyone laughed. Even Neville grinned apologetically.

-to claim that it was a joke, it isn’t a joke. because when snape came out of that cupboard, he was terrified. yes, it’s an embarrassing thing to have as your boggart, but the point is is that it is. he is terrified of that man. 

4. james only joined the order because his wife was a muggleborn and he ‘had to’

this is just factually incorrect. james had been sticking up for muggleborn rights since he was in school, far before he started dating or even became friends with lily: 

“Apologize to Evans!” James roared at Snape, his wand pointed threateningly at him.

“I’d NEVER call you a - you-know-what!”

so this is literally not true!! plus, at least he did join the order, whatever his reasons where (which were canonically good). snape didnt join the order. snape was friends with someone who suffered discrimination in society, and instead of using his privilege to help her and support her, he joined a group that was set on murdering people like her. when james had a friend who underwent oppression (remus/lycanthropy) you know what he did? he illegally became an animagus. 

5. snape had to be a death eater to survive at hogwarts as he roomed with blood supremacists

this is the shittiest excuse i have ever seen in my entire life. as a poc, this comment really reminds me of the argument ‘i was raised in a racist white household! i cant control my beliefs!’

you can always control your beliefs. i understand not going on big rants about blood inequality in front of a bunch of supremacists, and i understand wanting to blend and fit in (especially because he was unpopular and needed the support the slytherin boys provided), but i will never understand then becoming an active member of the group yourself. he got the dark mark. he helped voldemort. he was a death eater, and a proud one at that! no-one forced him to join. this argument literally makes my blood boil. 

6. snape had a lot of trauma from being raised in an abusive household

okay? so did sirius. so did neville. luna was bullied at school, just like snape. harry lived in an abusive household. did any of those people bully children? did any of those people join a blood supremacist group? and dont get me wrong, im not calling any of these people perfect - they all had a lot of flaws - but none of them hurt another people to the extreme that snape did. 

7. snape saved the trio’s lives many times

this is the absolute bare minimum. ‘oh wow, he didnt let harry die!! what a king! he should be respected and praised! we should excuse all of his other actions because he didnt let people die <3′ 

8. snape is not a perfect person, he also did good that many people overlook

you’re right, snape did do some good things in his life. but unfortunately, for me and many others, doing a couple of good things doesnt excuse all of the shitty, abusive things he did too. we’re not ignoring them - we just dont think they’re good enough reasons to forgive him. 

‘but james and sirius hurt others! you ignore all the bad things they did in favour of the good!’ you do the same thing with snape, first of all. second, they did a lot of good stuff. james’ and sirius’ only crimes were being annoying. for being a bit of a dick, conceited, knew they were hot and were a bit entitled. while these things are annoying as fuck, they were also stupid teens that eventually grew out of their behaviour and became better people. not perfect! better. while snape just stayed bitter at the marauders, long after their deaths, and even took his anger out on an innocent child. 

9. people only hate snape because he was poc and queer coded

as a poc and queer person, please stop. this is a very bad excuse. being poc and queer (which im pretty sure he isnt, but anyway) doesnt excuse you from your actions. plus, a huge amount of harry potter readers are poc and lgbtq. why would they hate snape for those reasons?! 

so thats all i got for today. im not gonna go into a deep snily/jily thing because i literally cannot be bothered. anyway im done. i need to go revise, i’ve already spent long enough on this. 

[renchinworld]

NCT DREAM AS TYPES OF GROOMS ♡

before, during and after the wedding

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, NCT DREAM! ♡

- gender neutral

- on crack, what’d u expect from this account lmao XD

- the picture qualities are Jurassic negative HD 0.4K but they still look good because dem visuals infinity/10

DISCLAIMER: Considering that not everyone has the same religion and wedding traditions, just imagine that this is for y’all own culture & religion’s weddings. Also, these men will be down to marry you a thousand times in one lifetime so.... conducting a ceremony again is no problem (that equates to more honeymoons and we love honeymoons).

♡ MARK

The “I do this for my squad, I do this for my gang” Groom

⊰⊹ BEFORE: The type to inform family and friends a year before the actual wedding (he says it's an adult thing). You and Mark will have everything ready as early as possible so y'all can just chill as the date draws near. Will also be loud about it but not in an intentional way, he’s just neomu excited.

⊰⊹ DURING: Dude will throw finger guns to the guests *ehem* Johnny & Yuta *ehem* while he’s literally right next to the priest. He will also shed a few tears and laugh at himself for crying as he sees you walking down the aisle. Will never forget to thank God for blessing him with you ♡

⊰⊹ AFTER: Mark will dance with you in different genres (except there’s no twerking and grinding because you gotta leave space for Jesus). After the big reception, there will be a smaller reception at home with just you, him and yall parents before the actual honeymoon. He will do everything you like once you two are alone tho ;)

♡ RENJUN

The “You’ll remember this as the wedding of the century” Groom

⊰⊹ BEFORE: Renjun's the type to write the most touching and heartfelt vow that will make you both cry and then add some savage twist at the end which will make everyone laugh (flashback to Haechan's birthday vlive). He will also make sure that everything--from the theme to the background music--is aesthetic af.

⊰⊹ DURING: Mans will 100% cry as he pictures you and him spending your entire lives together once he sees you walk down that aisle. Also, he is genuinely crying happy tears but will wipe them dramatically while he’s being filmed by your wedding videographer for ✧ remembrance and effect ✧

⊰⊹ AFTER: “Renjun, why is the temptation of wife OST playing in the background?”

He will sing close to your ear and give you a peck on the lips once in a while while everyone's busy partying. You two will greet the guests for a short while and then escape in a private plane to an island getaway for your honeymoon… it will take off in front of everyone because... ✧ art ✧ Also, get ready for the most romantic love making in Maldives ;)

♡ JENO

The “You thought it’d be no jam but it was actually the best wedding” Groom

⊰⊹ BEFORE: Lets you take charge of planning, but when he suggests his ideas it’s so top notch that you’ll be all “why aren’t you saying more?” and it’s because he believes that the wedding is not as important as the person he is marrying (opposite to Jaemin: Jeno thinks you’ll be happier if he just lets you do whatever you want--as an act of letting you have freedom in your creativity). He’ll be super helpful if you need it tho so no worries.

⊰⊹ DURING: Will accidentally open your veil before the person in charge says “you may now kiss the bride/groom.” He doesn’t care about the cameras, all he sees is you, you and you. Jeno won't cry in the actual event but he will be teary eyed af for sure (he's saving the tears for when you guys are alone).

⊰⊹ AFTER: He will take all his chances to carry you and hold you in his arms all night long. Jeno’s signature eye smile will be plastered on his face all night. That innocent face also prepared a bed of roses and other surprises in your room ready for the honeymoon ;)

♡ HAECHAN

The “We’re not going home until someone blacks out” Groom

⊰⊹ BEFORE: Haechan will pull a prank on you before the wedding so that you’ll coming running to him and he’ll see you (he can’t take the “you can’t see each other the night before the wedding” tradition because he misses you already). He will even make the vow writing a group activity lmao: “Whatchu writing?” “Haechan, stop looking! This is supposed to be a surprise.”

⊰⊹ DURING: He will tell everyone “I’m not gonna cry, that’s sus” but will definitely cry while laughing and get laughed at by family and friends lightheartedly. Haechan will say the funniest vows out of everyone but will also make you emotional because he can switch from being humorous to serious in 0.00001 second.

⊰⊹ AFTER: Reception is real party vibes; it’s not over until it’s game over. He might get bored eventually so you too will sneak out laughing in your wedding attires and just chill around the hotel’s swimming pools. He might also push you into a pool so he can save you and bathe you afterwards ;)

♡ JAEMIN

The “I’ve been dreaming of this my whole life” Groom

⊰⊹ BEFORE: He’ll make the wedding planner question their entire existence (opposite to Jeno: Jaemin thinks you’ll be happier if he plans the wedding for you--as an act of service). He’ll be super open to your suggestions though and will immediately change up anything you don’t agree with so no worries.

⊰⊹ DURING: Jaemin will also give one of the funniest vows but it's because he's unintentionally funny in his speech delivery. He will say the sweetest and uplifting words, refraining from being too emotional because he doesn't want to see you cry... but you still do. Dude might do mild aegyo in front of everyone just to see you smile again (you know the finger on pouty lips one that he does with Renjun? Yep, that one).

⊰⊹ AFTER: He will drag you somewhere when everyone’s busy partying just so he can give you a kissth. He’s down to party with your family and friends but only if you’re always by his side. And he definitely won't care if the party's over or not--once he sees that you’re tired or want to be alone with him, he'll announce to everyone that you guys are gonna bounce… and bounce you shall ;)

♡ CHENLE

The “We can afford a Kardashian wedding but I’d rather keep it simple” Groom

⊰⊹ BEFORE: Boi WILL 100% invite his bestie Stephen Curry. There will be three weddings: one for the grand wedding (at an arena for all of Shanghai to see--he doesn’t like this one but gotta keep those investors in check, you know?). Another for a small circle wedding (just family and friends). The last will be the “just the two of us casually exchanging chips and diamond rings while playing pubg” wedding

⊰⊹ DURING: Daddy Chenle will never forget to mention his son Mark in his vows and speeches. His whole clan will shower you with gifts and affection so much that he doesn’t know if he should be happy or annoyed because they’re not giving you two enough time to spend YOUR wedding together. He’s staying put though because hakuna matata #the scorpio side jumped out

⊰⊹ AFTER: No one else is allowed to touch you except for him. He will carry you bridal style away from the building and to his car so he can have you all to himself. He’ll definitely cry happy tears when it's just the two of you.

♡ JISUNG

The “We really should’ve married in secret instead” Groom

⊰⊹ BEFORE: Will let you take control of the event but will pitch in his creative ideas here and there. Jisung insists that you have a small wedding but the number of NCT members is far from small lol. There's also a high chance of a beach wedding because he loves the open area (gives him more space to breathe plus he’ll see Haechan and Renjun trying to drown each other in the distance and that’s free entertainment).

⊰⊹ DURING: Dude will 100% get clowned by the NCT members while saying his vows (honorable mention: dreamies). He might rap some of his words out of nervousness (which everyone finds cute because it is). He will be all shy and awkward at first and then surprise everyone by his sudden bold moves (e.g. dip you as he kisses you, say the sweetest things). He will also cry happy tears as he sees you walk down that aisle.

⊰⊹ AFTER: He's truly grateful for all the support and love of everyone who attended but as an introvert and an Aquarius Plus Pro Max, he’ll be wishing on the inside that everyone just goes home already so you two can have fun alone. Mans will still get clowned by the members even during the reception but he doesn’t mind because he’s clowning them back now. His hand will be glued to your waist all night and he will sneak in a few kisses here and there.

♡ OT7:

- Everyone will get clowned by the other members regardless of the event so a wedding isn’t an exception. So either you protect your husband or join in on the light teasing... or both. 

- You may also get clowned. It’s NCT we’re talking about.

- This is a work of fiction. Except the clownery & RenHyuck drowning each other in Jisung’s wedding. That’s true to life.

Happy Anniversary to our Dreamies >u< we love you guys sm!

[greensaplinggrace]

honestly THANK YOU for saying all that abt baghra bc i thought i was going crazy from not liking her??? bc i haven't read the books and only summaries of them on wiki and like. i dunno why ppl like her actually even in the show bc this guy, her son, is like "i wanna make the world better for us grisha" and she's just like "no." even tho he sees that she's MAKING HERSELF SICK from suppressing her powers! she's literally like in bed coughing in the flashback yet seem much healthier at the little palace. also like after everything, after her disapproval, after the fold, after centuries of waiting for the sun summoner.. he never abandons her. he makes sure she's cares for. he doesn't harm her. and i have to wonder if baghra has ever thanks him for that, for just not leaving her alone. like i dunno how im suppose ro believe aleks is a heartless villain when he still cares for his abusive mom like this. like has baghra even told her she loved him (honestly she reminds me of a classic emotionally unavailable asian parent but maybe that's just me). also im wondering if baghra ever told aleks that he had an aunt.. bc like.. now that u bring up her isolating him it's like hmmmm...

not at me being like alina... why do u trust the bitter old woman who literally beats u with a stick and verbally abuses u every chance she gets.. just bc she showed a bad painting... like.. pls use two braincells to see that who u figured out as his mother... is also using his protection..

like baghra could've upped and left with alina. but no. she stayed bc she knew she was safe under aleks's protection.

alsoim just impressed that after his first friend tried to drown him and harvest his bones... he didn't go into hiding???? he still wanted to make a safe heaven for grisha!!! HE STILL WANTED TO PROTECT GRISHA EVEN AFTER HIS GRISHA FRIEND TRIED TO KILL HIM FOR HIS FUCKEN BONES. like... this is the guy im suppose to believe is the villain???

honestly i feel like part of the reason why LB's plotlines seem so bad and disconnected (and sometimes outright racist but that's another rant) and why darkles is disproportionately more violent and villainous in the later books is bc she didn't expect the darkling to be so popular and wanted to stick with her guns of making him the villain. but also wanted the money from aleks's popularity. but like you can't have ur cake and eat it too.

Well thank you for sending this ask! It's very sweet and very passionate. I'm glad you liked my post! I didn't put as much thought into it as some of my others lol. I kind of just talked. But it was nice to be able to finally talk about some of the problems I have with both her character and the fandom/author's perception of her.

HERE is the post this is referring to, in case anyone's wondering.

👀👀 You've hit the nail on the head for so many things, here!

Baghra is extremely emotionally unavailable, basically to the point of neglect. She's also verbally and physically abusive, traits which I doubt were only reserved for her students and not her son. Baghra claims she would do anything to protect him, but I've known a lot of parents who have that mindset and yet still harm their children because they think it's "good for them".

Aleksander stays at Baghra's side for years, and even when they're opposing each other she's never too far away from him. Idk if you've read the books but he does eventually hurt her. And as much as I don't like Baghra, I think his actions were horrid. But I'm also honestly kind of surprised it took him so long lmao.

Yeah I mean, in terms of isolation, let's not forget that she never wanted to introduce him to his father, either. Baghra's sense of eternity clouds a lot of her judgments on relationships, which means she views most people as dust and therefore teaches her son to as well. The problem with that is that he's a growing child, and he needs those social and emotional attachments for healthy development.

I would bet quite a bit of money that Baghra has either never told him she loves him or she has told him so few times it's practically forgettable.

And everything becomes more complicated because so many of Baghra's actions are understandable because of her life and her history, but the impacts they have on the people around her, especially Aleksander, are permanently damaging. And the fact that that's never gone over in critical depth in the books or how it's glossed over in fandom is just very disconcerting. Like, acknowledging Baghra's failings doesn't mean we're excusing Aleksander's actions, it just means we're holding Baghra liable for her own. Which the fandom should be doing, considering she's the epitome of an abusive parental figure.

And Alina trusting Baghra over Aleksander is even more confusing! Especially in the show!! This is the woman who beat her and abused her and tortured her friends when they tiny little children (and who probably still does so now that they're adults). This is the woman who mocks you and harasses you and insults you on a regular basis. Why does Baghra revealing she's Aleksander's mother make Alina change her mind?! Like fuck, I'd just feel bad for Aleksander. No wonder he kept it a secret, I would too! And that painting is enough evidence?! Really?! A random painting shown to you by this abusive mentor that's been making your life hell. That's what you're going to betray your new lover over?

The friends trying to harvest his bones thing is a good point, too. I think Aleksander, especially show Aleksander, is incredibly idealistic. I think he cares too much for others - those he's deemed worth his care (a sentiment given to him by Baghra). Despite everything she's tried to teach him about hiding and abandoning others and never caring and never doing anything to help or reach out or connect with people, Aleksander still continues to do so. It's likely because he never got it from Baghra growing up, and so is desperate for those emotional needs to be fulfilled elsewhere.

His turning point, when Baghra tells him it was understandable that those kids tried to kill him because the world is such a hard place for them - that's crucial. And the reason it's possible as a motivating factor is because of that idealism and that desire to help and that desire to be everything his mother isn't. Baghra tells him this trauma he just experienced was because of the oppression of his people, and instead of following her lead and accepting that, going into hiding and abandoning everybody to their misery, he goes I can do something about that. I can make it so this never happens again. Which is usually how trauma like that combines with one's core personality traits at a young age, especially when there's none of the essential support systems in place to aid in recovery (ie, the role Baghra should have been filling but wasn't, because she decided to exacerbate the problem instead).

And yeah, one of my biggest problems with the ham-fisted "beating you over the head with a sledgehammer of evil deeds" look-how-bad-this-character-is! portrayal of the Darkling in the later books comes from the impression I get that Bardugo doesn't trust her readers. She's so desperate to have us hate this character and think him an irredeemable villain, not trusting any of her readers to engage critically with a morally gray character, that it feels quite a bit like condescending fucking bullshit. Which ew, I know how to engage with literature, thanks.

She really does seem to look down on a large part of her fandom, and imo, the infantilization of the female characters in her books seems to carry over to her impression of most of her female readers as well. Which is why the Darkling's character arc gets fucking destroyed. But he's still a good cash grab, of course, so she'll shake his dead corpse in front of the fandom for money every time she wants something from it.

Also! Another reason I think her plotlines feel disconnected (I'm sorry Bardugo I respect you as a person, but shit-) is because the writing in SaB is just bad. I mean, nevermind the absolutely nauseating implications of the way she portrays the Grisha as a persecuted group who's situation is never actually fully addressed as it should be, considering Grisha rights is what her main villain is fighting for (imo for a series called the Grishaverse, LB seems to be pretty anti Grisha), but her characters and story alone are just wrong for each other. They don't fit together.

And the ending is one of the main pieces of evidence in that regard! You can’t say the ending where Alina isn’t Grisha anymore is her “going back to where she started” when she’s always been Grisha. She just didn’t know she was Grisha because she denied that part of herself that she was born with.

Alina is reluctant to move forward or change, she struggles with adapting, and she’s very set on the things she’s grown attached to throughout her life. She also has some latent prejudices against the Grisha, and so denies the possibility of being Grisha for those reasons as well.

Alina’s lack of powers in the beginning of her life because she willfully doesn’t learn about them to avoid change versus her lack of powers at the end of the book when she’s accepted them and then they’re stripped away from her by outer forces are two entirely separate circumstances. You can’t make a parallel about lost powers and lack of Grisha status bringing her back to the start when she was always Grisha and she always had powers and she simply refused to come to terms with it because of personal reasons.

The first situation is an internal conflict that indicates a story about growth and a journey of self acceptance. Denying herself the opportunity to learn about her heritage and to find acceptance with a group of people like her because she’s tied to the past and because of the way she was raised is the setup for a narrative that tackles unlearning prejudice and learning how to connect with a part of her identity that was denied her and learning how to grow independent and self assured. It’s the setup for a different story entirely. The second situation is an external conflict that centers around the ‘corrupting influence of power’... for some reason.

In a world where Grisha do not have social, political, or economic power and they are hunted, centering your heroine’s journey of self acceptance and growth around an external conflict about... the corrupting influence of power (in a group of people that don’t actually have any power?!) just doesn’t work. It is literally impossible to connect the two stories Bardugo is trying to push in Shadow and Bone without seriously damaging the main character’s developmental arc.

The only way a narrative like this would work, claiming that she has gone back to where she started, is either a) if the Grisha weren’t actually a persecuted group and instead were apart of the upper class, or b) if the one bad connection between the two instances is acknowledged - that Alina denied a part of herself crucial to self acceptance and growing up, and that losing her powers at the end has also denied her. It is a tragedy, not a happy ending.

Alina suffered because she didn’t use her powers. She grew sick. It was bad for her. This was not a resistance to 'the corruption of power and the burden of greed', it was her suffering because she couldn’t fully accept herself.

Framing the ending as a return to the beginning can’t be done if you don’t address how bad the beginning was for your main character. You brought her back to a bad point in her life. You regressed her. This should be a low point in her arc. It should be a problem that’s solved so she can finish developing organically or it should be something that is acknowledged as a tragedy in it’s own right, for the future the world (the writing) denied her.

This is a ramble and it makes no sense and I’m really sorry, but my point is that Bardugo put the wrong characters in the wrong story. The character arc required for organic development doesn’t match the story and intended message at all. The narrative doesn’t fit the cast. She's got two clashing stories attempting to work in tandem and she ends up with both conflicting messages that fans still can’t comprehend in her writing and an ending that doesn’t suit her main character to such an impossible degree that it’s almost laughable.

So yeah, there's a few reasons why I think the story and the plot feels so bad and disconnected. I hope you don't mind me making this answer so long! 😅 I was not expecting to write this much.

[chilligyu]

info: lee jihoon/gender neutral reader, pg, best friends to lovers au genre: fluff, romance | word ct: 5.5k warnings: none summary: when it came to love, no one was prepared. not even jihoon, who could spend hours turning words into magic, especially when love was mysteriously delivered in the form of a letter to his locker. note: heavily inspired by to all the boys I've loved before, but with a twist! no love triangles or anything like that, so just enjoy awkward people falling in love! and thank you to @dreamystuffers and @starlightjoong for taking a sneak peek and telling me what you think!

tagging: @xfirebenderx, @moriiyun, @ohmygoshcheese, @gyu-log

Lee Jihoon, a genius in many ways, was never good when it came to words. At least, not the spoken kind. The kind that you had to think up on the spot, responses, answers, comebacks, small talk, he was absolutely terrible at it. But if you gave him the time to think, to really dwell on his thoughts, he could create something truly beautiful. Which was why he preferred to express his feelings with letters. And while, yes, he could pen something magnificent, the next great classic novel perhaps, he typically kept his messages short and to the point. Much like the man himself.

There was one time that he wrote a “letter” that was simply—

F U C K Y O U

—printed out on seven separate sheets of paper and taped to a row of lockers. All in response to a teacher confiscating his iPod. No one could prove it was him, though, and nothing happened in response to it. He never admitted to his crimes, and despite it being painfully obvious who the author of the message was, there was no hard proof pointing to the culprit. It became the most well-known secret at their high school. And Lee Jihoon became somewhat of a living legend because of it.

The only one who knew the truth was you. His best friend. You were his go-to when it came to proof reading all of his letters. He was the writer, you were the editor. Half the time you were also a berating parent, chastising him for trying to assault people with words. Which was also why, more often than not, his letters never got sent. He would sit in his room for hours, writing letters that were either half the length of novels or only a few sentences long, and after giving it over to be edited, it would get tucked away in his desk drawer. Never to be seen or heard from again.

See, Jihoon was an emotional person. Not in the sense that most people would assume, he didn’t get offended easily, one mean comment wouldn’t leave him crying, he was simply—emotional. Whatever he was feeling, whether it be good or bad, it was powerful, sometimes overwhelming. So instead of erupting like a hormonal volcano, which he had already done plenty of, he put his emotions to paper. At the behest of his aforementioned best friend.

“You can’t go around yelling at people.” You began one afternoon just after entering high school. “Even if you’re writing it down, you’re still yelling at people.”

Jihoon, the definition of “hard to read”, was visibly pouting. “You’re the one who told me to write down how I feel. Now I can’t even send these to anyone?”

“I mean, you can.” You backpedalled. “I’m not your mother, despite Seokmin’s insistence. I can’t stop you from doing anything you’ve set your heart to. All I can do is advise you not to because you’re going to have a terrible few years here if everyone hates you.”

He clearly wasn’t thrilled by your logical response, but he admitted defeat anyway. “Fine. Don’t send the letters that I write. I get it. No one wants to read them.”

You groaned loudly. “You are so dramatic. I’m saying don’t send the literal hate mail to people. Don’t send the stuff you write to vent out your feelings. But if there’s something you want to say to someone, something that you can’t bring yourself to say out loud, by all means! Send the thing! I know you loathe the idea of talking to people, you also hate being misunderstood more.”

He also hated how well you knew him, not that he would ever say that out loud.

That was also something he wrote down in a letter, one he decided to send.

You crumpled it up immediately and threw it back at his face.

“Letters are powerful things, Jihoon.” You added. “They can break hearts, mend souls, and change lives with nothing more than words. Because words mean so many different things to so many different people. You just gotta say the right ones.”

At first, he was only humoring you. Honestly, he thought you completely senile until he gave it a shot. After spending hours hunched over his desk writing things no one else would see, he was starting to realize that maybe you had a point. Instead of roaming the halls shouting obscenities in his head, he was able to reassure himself by knowing he could write about it later. Even the smallest grievance, he would write it down. He would sometimes scribble it down on the margin of a textbook if he was feeling particularly overwhelmed in the middle of the day.

The letters became his therapy, his outlet, eventually he could stroll past some annoying upperclassmen and not feel rage coursing through his veins. It was—nice, almost. Not being subjected to his own hectic imagination at every turn. Feeling at peace for the first time in what felt like ages.

Until he found a letter in his locker, one addressed to him during his senior year. From a secret admirer. The contents of which would be seared into his memory for the remainder of time.

Lee Jihoon, it began.

I have never been able to tell you how I feel, in person or in a letter. For several months now, I’ve tried. I’ve tried to write letters like you for so long, and I just can’t get the words right. I don’t know how you do it. So I’m going to do something different. I’m going to stop being scared. If you meet me in the courtyard after school, I’m going to be brave for the first time in my life. Please help me be brave, Jihoon.

Again and again, he read that short letter. Practically baffled that someone out there wrote an honest-to-god letter that was addressed to an honest-to-god person. And that he wasn’t the writer, that he was the recipient. The thought alone made his heart race, and to comprehend that this secret admirer perhaps harbored feelings towards him? It was next to impossible. But no one writes a letter without true emotion behind it. That’s a fact he was coming to understand.

“I need you to come with me.” He told you after showing you the letter. “I’m—I’m not sure I can do this alone.”

You rolled your eyes. “Jihoon, obviously this person doesn’t want to make a public event out of their confession. You should really do this without me.”

“I know, and I’m not asking you to stand at my side or anything.” He reiterated. “Can you like—stand in a bush or something? If I know that you’re there I won’t feel the need to—"

“Did you just ask me to stand in a bush?” You guffawed. “You did not just ask me to stand in a bush Lee Jihoon because if you did then you’re about to get your ass kicked into next year!”

“I didn’t mean literally!” He quickly denied when he did, in fact, mean it literally. “Just—stand around the corner, okay? Be my moral support!”

Pursing your lips, you knew that there was no getting out of this. “Alright, fine. I’ll come with you. But I’m not happy about it.”

“I’ll pay you back, I promise.” He swore. “Have I ever told you that you’re the best?”

A smirk teased at your lips. “You could mention it more.”

“Consider it done.” Jihoon grinned, gathering up his things and heading for the door. “Don’t forget! After school! Courtyard! Don’t be late!”

Once he was gone and you were completely alone, your face fell in disappointment. “I wouldn’t dream of it…”

By the time that school was finally over for the day, Jihoon was a bundle of overactive nerves. He was excited and terrified and anxious and nauseous all at once. The bombarding sensations kept him cemented in place, gripping the edge of his desk until his knuckles were about to burst through. He had been like that for the entirety of their last class, still as a statue as a cold sweat broke out across his brow. You were standing in front of him, head tilted and wondering what he was planning to do next.

“Class is over.” You reminded him. “Everyone’s left.”

Very slowly, he nodded. “Y-yeah. I can see that.”

His voice sounded as if it had been completely stripped down. Like he had screamed himself hoarse by saying those few words.

“Your secret admirer is probably waiting.” You tried to spur him. “We should get going before I change my mind and head home.”

He audibly swallowed past a lump in his throat. “Well—maybe that’s best. Yeah, I can wait until tomorrow.”

You eyed him incredulously. “You’re going to stay here until tomorrow. You’re insane, get up.”

“I’d rather not.”

“And I’d rather not grow old and die here.” You countered. “C’mon, Jihoon. Your admirer asked you to help them be brave, how exactly is this helping them?”

He had to admit, you had a point. If they were brave enough to put their feelings out there, he had to at least meet them half way.

Sighing loudly, he started to pry his fingers off his desk. “Alright, fine. We’ll do things your way.”

You rolled your eyes for perhaps the hundredth time. “You’re absolutely insufferable. Why do I hang out with you?”

“Because I’m funny.” He said with the most serious face in the world.

Which actually made you laugh.

“I hate you.” You chuckled. “C’mon, let’s get going while we’re still young.”

Jihoon inhaled and exhaled deeply to calm himself down.

This is just the beginning.

Except—it wasn’t.

He stood in the courtyard, seemingly alone, with the note that brought him there clutched tight in his hand. As his moral support you were keeping your distance, as promised, but no one else joined you. Minutes passed and he did his best to remain hopeful. It was hard, especially when a familiar voice nagged at the back of his mind. The same one he struggled with every day to ignore.

No one would ever like you, so why did you bother thinking otherwise?

While the negative thoughts slowly took over, Jihoon didn’t know what to do next. He was defeated, almost destroyed. And even though you walked up behind him and took his hand in yours, it did little to stop the bitter tears from welling in his eyes.

“I should’ve known…” He whispered angrily. “This was all just—a joke. It’s always a joke. Who could ever like me?”

“Stop it, Jihoon.” You hissed at him, squeezing his hand tighter. “They said they were scared, maybe they couldn’t follow through with it. Maybe they were afraid of being rejected. You never know what’s going through someone’s head. Don’t beat yourself up, okay?”

Nothing you said was going to make him feel better. He quickly wrenched himself from your grip and backed away from you.

“I’m going home.” He clipped. “Bye.”

Before he left, he made sure to crumple up the note and toss it at your feet. When his heart was broken, he wore it on his sleeve. You understood what Jihoon was feeling, he had been living with an extremely low self esteem due to his height and his general inability to make friends for as long as you knew him. He was quiet, shy, reserved, he was slow to open up to others and hesitant to trust. That’s why you tried to be excited for him, and now that things hadn’t gone as planned in more ways than one your heart ached just like his.

The next day, Jihoon strolled into class like a drunk zombie. By the looks of him, he hadn’t slept a wink. Too busy being destroyed by his own thoughts to bother with anything like sustenance or sleep. He took up his seat beside you, and you immediately shoved your desk into his.

“Still upset?” You asked, even though you already knew the answer.

Sluggishly he lifted his head up and then quickly dropped it back down.

It was worse than you thought.

“Are you going to talk to me today?” You teased in an attempt to get a reaction. “Or am I going to have to go bother Hansol?”

Grumbling slightly, the barely responsive mass that was your best friend raised his hand and dropped a crumpled wad of paper on your desk. At first, you assumed it was just another one of his letters. They weren’t uncommon when he was feeling—unwell.

But it was another note from his secret admirer.

You were startled because he didn’t usually stop at his locker in the morning.

Lee Jihoon, it started similarly.

I’m sorry for not showing up yesterday, I was scared. I couldn’t bring myself to face you, please don’t be mad at me. I’d like to keep writing you letters, if that’s okay. Let’s get to know each other and maybe one day I can be brave again.

Once you were finished reading, you immediately began analyzing Jihoon’s face again. You had never seen him look like this before, completely vacant. While he was hard to read to the entire world, he was always an open book to you. Now reading him was nearly impossible even with your expertise.

“What are you gonna do?”

He shrugged lazily. “I don’t know. Sit here for the rest of eternity. Wait for the soft embrace of death.”

“Jihoon.” You exasperated. “We both know you’re not actually going to do that.”

Except he actually might and you actually couldn’t take that chance.

“Are you going to write them a letter?” You tried, again. “Maybe that will work out better.”

“I already did.” He murmured. “I don’t think they want to read it though.”

“Jesus Christ…” You groaned loudly, taking Jihoon’s face in your hands and looking him dead in his lifeless eyes. “They still like you, they’re scared and human like the rest of us, it is not the end of the world! Give them another chance and stop being such a goddamn drama queen!”

Silence. Pure unadulterated and perfectly aggravating silence.

“Alright, you leave me no choice. I’m bringing out the big guns.”

Being careful to keep an eye on the teacher, you pulled out your phone and started texting Jihoon’s mother. According to your message, you and Jihoon were going to be studying late at the library, and he would probably need to spend the night at your house. Which wasn’t a complete lie, maybe you would get some studying done. But, in all honesty, you had other things in mind.

“Take your pick.” You instructed, a box set in each hand. “Descendants of the Sun, or Record of Youth.”

Immediately after school, you dragged your best friend to your house and sat him down in front of the TV. Your parents didn’t even question it when you told them this intervention was a matter of life and death, that the patient might need to be admitted for the night. They simply let you do what needed to be done.

Jihoon, who had been relatively catatonic for the past 24 hours, finally showed a glimmer of something. He gave the slightest suggestion of a nod towards Descendants of the Sun and you happily popped in the first disk. As you claimed a spot beside him, popcorn and banana milk in tow, he naturally relaxed against you. You were the only person who got to see him unguarded like that, the only person he himself would allow. And while he was typically someone who kept his true self hidden from the world, there was a part of him that would forever belong only to you.

“Thanks.” He practically whispered, resting his head on your shoulder. “I—I needed this.”

“I know.” You smiled. “Are you ready to talk yet?”

He sighed heavily. “No. Not really. I still have a lot of thinking to do.”

“Well, if you need help thinking you know where I’ll be.” You offered without wanting to seem pushy.

If you weren’t mistaken, you could’ve sworn he actually chuckled.

“Yeah. I do.”

Little by little, your best friend was slowly returning to normal—or as close to normal as you’ve ever seen him. Eventually he started getting sucked into the drama, going rigid when things got tense, and actively pretended he wasn’t crying whenever You Are My Everything played. It was, overall, a job well done. You could sleep easy knowing that Jihoon would be just fine. As you drifted off, you felt him hold your hand and squeeze it gently.

Everything was going to be okay.

And if only to prove that point, the next day was nothing like the one before. Jihoon was back to his old self as if nothing had happened at all. Just another Thursday without a word or whisper about the chaotic tornado his secret admirer had unleashed onto your day-to-day life. He even had a letter for you to read by the time lunch rolled around. Apparently, some freshman irritated him over something seemingly small. At least—to you it seemed barely worth mentioning. But nothing ever really felt small to Jihoon. It was all or nothing, always living in black and white. Which meant that almost everything was important to him in some way. So you read the letter, and you edited it gladly.

Once you were done, he had something else for you. Another note from the admirer.

“This is the third one, right?” You murmured, glancing it over once before looking up at him. “Have you written back yet? Besides the one where I assumed you insulted their very existence with your entire arsenal of hurtful words.”

The blush crawling up his neck was an answer in and of itself, but the thick stack of paper he pulled out of his backpack solidified it.

“I’ve tried a few times.” He admitted hesitantly. “Nothing I write is good enough.”

“Oh, only a few times?” You teased, knowing full well that Jihoon’s definition of a few was the same as calling Jane Eyre a short shopping list. “What’s got you so stuck? Usually you have no issues penning essays over trivial things like cracks in the sidewalk.”

His brow furrowed defiantly. “Hey, proper sidewalk and road maintenance is important to modern infrastructure. If we start overlooking cracks in the pavement, then what? What about traffic lights? Can we afford to allow a single bulb to go out? No, of course not. That’s anarchy.”

You couldn’t believe your ears.

“Jihoon…” You started with an exasperated look. “I was joking.”

Trying to hide the fact that his blush was turning a deep crimson, and failing quite miserably, he pulled a paper from the stack and put it back in his bag. Also something he tried, and failed, to hide from you.

“Are you kidding me!” You laughed, raking a hand down your face. “Did you seriously have a letter in that pile you were going to send to our congressman?”

“No—yes—ugh!” He groaned. “Can we forget about the stupid sidewalk for a second! That’s not important right now! Help me! How do I do this?”

Deciding you had teased your best friend enough, you placed your chin in your hand and smiled at him. “How do you do what, exactly? I’ve never had anything to do with the letters you write, I just read them so someone knows how you’re feeling.”

Who were you kidding, you could never tease Jihoon enough.

He rolled his eyes so hard that he rolled his whole head with them. “Like you’ve ever needed further insight into my head, you always know what I’m thinking before I do.”

True.

“But I don’t understand the first thing about—this.” He finished with a labored sigh, gesturing sharply to the handwritten novel in front of him. “You know that better than anyone.”

Again, he was telling the truth. In the years you had known Jihoon he had never developed serious feelings towards someone else. He had barely entertained the notion since entering high school. He always talked himself out of it because feelings were complicated and bothersome. Plus, he was terrified of being rejected. Like most people are. His intrusive thoughts just so happened to be louder than most.

“I hate to break it to you, Jihoon,” You started in a whisper, “no one knows the first thing about this. Not even me. The only person who can help you is yourself.”

His sour expression made it obvious that he obviously didn’t like your response. “Great. Super helpful. Thank you for your continued wisdom.”

When he moved away from you, you grabbed him by the sweater and pulled him back in. “Why do you always stop listening to me when I’m about to make my point?”

He narrowed his eyes at you. “Because it takes you forever to fucking get there.”

“Alright, you got me there.” You chuckled. “Listen, I’m not kidding when I say that you’ve got to do this one on your own. As much as I can usually sense what feelings are doing somersaults in your stomach, this is a first for you and therefore a first for me. I’ve never seen you like this before, so unfortunately you’ve got to discover this one on your own.”

As you spoke, his features slowly softened until all that remained was a very nervous teenager who didn’t want to screw up his first real chance at love. That’s all Jihoon was at his core, that’s all anyone was.

But you had to admit he almost looked kind of cute.

Almost.

“How do you always know what to say?” He grumbled while crossing his arms. “It’s annoying.”

“You’ve got a really weird way of saying thank you.” You smirked playfully. “Well, maybe this last nugget of advice will get you started in the right direction.”

“Why are you always—” He seethed through his teeth. “How are you still not at whatever your point is!”

You shrugged, because you honestly had no clue. “I'll get there when I get there. You want to hear it or not—”

“Spit. It. Out.”

“Now is that anyway to—”

Wow. You stopped, suddenly fearing for your measly life. If looks could kill—

“Alright, alright, you win.” You conceded. “If you’re having issues writing a letter to your secret admirer, here’s my advice. Stop trying to put words to your feelings and start putting feelings into words. You’re spending too much time trying to say it perfectly that you’re not saying it at all. It doesn’t need to make sense to anyone else, it doesn’t even need to make sense to you. So long as you put them out into the world, they’ll be heard and one day they’ll be understood. You get me?”

The look on his face was—strange. You had a hard time placing it, which should’ve been weirder than it was. In fact, you were seeing lots of different sides to Jihoon lately, sides you never thought existed. This time his eyes widened, the aforementioned scarlet blush had disappeared, and there was a radiance to him that you had never seen before. Like suddenly he could see clearly through the storm of his thoughts.

“Thank you.” He exhaled with a smile. “I’ve never thought about it like that before.”

Feeling triumphant, you wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “I’m starting to wonder what you’d do without me, Jihoon. Three days and you’ve been completely undone and redone by this letter.”

“Letters are powerful things.” He muttered. “They can break hearts, mend souls, and change lives. You taught me that.”

“I guess I’m a pretty good teacher.” You boasted, giving him a squeeze. “Despite the fact that I’m actually quite terrible with words.”

He shrugged off your arm. “Except you always know what to say, how exactly does that work?”

“Just because I can make you see reason doesn’t mean I’m good with words.” You laughed easily. “That simply means that I’ve perfected the art of understanding the impossible. Lee Jihoon. I can’t use words like you do. Trust me I’ve tried, I can never get the words right.”

For a moment, he didn’t have any sort of response. Which was definitely weird. It was a well-known fact that he was terrible with the sorts of words he had to speak, but he didn’t have issues when talking to you. That’s because you were friends, best friends. There had never been this sort of unnerving silence before. Not that you could remember, anyway.

What is going on in your head, Jihoon? You found yourself wondering since you couldn’t read his face. Have you started to figure it out?

“Sorry, I was thinking.” He muttered suddenly, shaking his head. “But I know what I need to write now. Will you read this one too? Even if it gets pretty long?”

“Of course!” You exclaimed with a smile. “When have I ever shied away from a challenge?”

The soft glisten in his eyes made your heart flutter.

“Never.”

When the bell rang and you parted ways, you wondered if Jihoon had ever written you a letter.

Well there’s a first time for everything.

For the next week, he was in full writer mode. And there were no more notes from his secret admirer, not that you expected there to be any. Every chance he got he was scribbling something down on whatever surface he could get his hands on. Textbooks, paper, his arm, he was more inspired than you’d ever seen before and nothing was going to stop him. He didn’t even come over to your house over the weekend, a ritual you hadn’t broken in the ten plus years you had known each other. It was a lonely week, for sure, but you knew it was for a good cause.

Then, after what felt like an eternity of silence, he approached you in the courtyard with a single sheet of paper in his hand.

“Hey…” He started uneasily, his grip tightening. “How’re you?”

Seriously? You mused to yourself with a smile. “I’m good, how’s the writing?”

“Done.” He clipped. “And—I think I covered everything.”

“Are you sure?” You asked, eyeing the sheet of paper. “With all of that writing I thought you’d have a novel for me.”

He shook his head, while a blush crawled up his neck. “Sometimes being concise is more effective than being overly wordy.”

“That’s true.” You grinned. “Easier for me to edit anyway.”

Nodding, he shoved the paper into your hand. “Here. Take your time, I don’t want you to rush it.”

“I won’t.” You promised, resisting the urge to start reading right away. “I know you put a lot of thought into this.”

With that, he turned around and walked off without another word. Leaving you holding something that looked like little more than pen ink on paper, but felt like a confession on fire. Once he was out of eyesight, you exhaled a breath you had been holding unintentionally and started reading.

To the person I have never loved before. It began, and you weren’t prepared for the roller coaster you had willingly climbed into.

This isn’t for the person I’ve loved all along, no. This is for you, someone who managed to stir my emotions more than a raging monsoon with only a few words and the hint of a promise. Who are you? I wondered to myself, because you were without equal. How could I have missed you? You were extraordinary. You didn’t have a face, all I had of you was a letter slipped into my locker, you were a ghost and I was set ablaze by your words. I had never felt like that before, my heart was unprepared. As was I. You made me question everything, and made me realize things I had never seen before.

What I felt for you wasn’t love, even though I thought it was at first. You presented me with feelings I decided I would never feel, so I could only assume that it was love. I felt like a live wire, ready to spark at a moment's notice. All I could think about was you. The infinite options and scenarios I dreamt up, all because of you, was astronomical. It was exhilarating, and I found myself drunk on the endless possibilities that you presented me. What else could make me feel that way, if it wasn’t love?

The answer was one I didn’t expect, and it hit me like a tsunami. I started to feel that way towards someone I already know. Someone who has cared for me more than anyone should, they have been my best friend for years so how could I suddenly feel the same way? How could my friendship for them become intertwined with the love I thought was solely reserved for you? And how could I have missed it after being enveloped by their warmth for so long?

You changed all of that. You made me see clearly for the first time in years and I was completely undone. Everything I knew was suddenly challenged, my feelings towards the most important person in my life changed without any warning, and I didn’t know what to do. How could I ask them, a friend, to see me as anything more? I was lost, trapped in an endless loop of destructive thoughts and desire. Desperately wanting to scream my feelings from the rooftop while fearing the voice that would have to put words to them. Your feelings for me awakened my feelings for them, and suddenly the words that have given me comfort for so long escaped me.

Still, you helped me.

In ways I can only thank with this letter.

You helped me because you are the one who told me to start writing letters. It’s always been you. You are the one who has given my thoughts meaning when I struggled to communicate with the world. One that could never understand someone like me. You are the one who wrote me a letter, asking a coward to help you be brave. It took me a while to realize that you were one and the same, but I picked up on the hints you left behind. I’m sorry it took me this long to figure it out.

Would you have showed up had I not asked you to come with me? I think about that often, were you only afraid because my initial thought was that there was no way it could be you? The impossible notion that my best friend could love me anymore than they already do? I have a thousand more questions I want to ask you, but I think I’m brave enough now to ask you in person.

So I’m going to end this letter here, because you deserve so much more than the words I’ve hidden behind for years. A letter I started to write for someone I thought I didn’t know, to the person I’ve never loved before. Funny, how it ended up being a letter to the person I’ve loved all along.

As you read the last line, tears already streaming down your face, you had never felt happier.

“You figured it out.” You whispered, almost in disbelief. “For a second there I thought you never would.”

You don’t know when Jihoon came back, but he was suddenly standing in front of you taking your hand in his. “It really shouldn’t have taken me that long, I’ve only seen your handwriting a thousand times before.”

Laughter bubbled past your lips as you dried your tears with your sleeve. “I was terrified that you would’ve figured me out from the very beginning. Looks like I really give you too much credit sometimes.”

“You do.” He agreed. “So, what did you think of the letter? Any edits you can think of?”

“This isn’t the type of letter that needs editing.” You stated plainly. “It would take away from the author’s meaning.”

“What would that be?” He asked, clearly teasing you. “Enlighten me.”

You shook your head defiantly. “No, no way. It’s your letter, why don’t you tell me what it’s supposed to mean?”

Part of him didn’t want to make it easy, that much you knew with absolute certainty. But, for the sake of time and your poor heart, he would let you off the hook. Just this once.

“That I love you.” He said softly. “More than anything else.”

Choking out a sob, you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him in close.

“I love you too, Jihoon.”

In the end, neither of you were good with words, but you only needed to know what to say to each other.

[insomniacwritersblog]

the friendships between the five girls in murder most unladylike are really important and here's why

this will contain SPOILERS for all nine books in the mmu series, so read at your own risk

*cracks knuckles* i don't actually crack my knuckles, but this is probably gonna be long, so settle in

ever since once upon a crime came out i've been back on my mmu bullshit, and i was thinking about how good and important the friendships between daisy, hazel, kitty, beanie and lavinia are, and how much they all support each other, which is so important. here's why

kitty: i'm starting with kitty, because out of all of them, she has the most solid support unit in her family. she has a nice middle class life, with a nice family. her parents also seem to have a pretty solid and healthy relationship (in top marks for murder, we find out her mother is pregnant, and given that kitty and her sister are already in their teens, this indicates that their parents have a pretty healthy sexual relationship; obviously pregnancy can happen easy, but i hope you get the point). anyway. in jolly foul play, kitty's younger sister "runs away", which kitty is worried about given that her sister had been involving herself in the fallout of the murder and the gossip about the older pupils at the school. the rest of her friends help find her sister. i can't think of many other instances where the murder cases get personal for kitty, but when she needs her friends, they're there for her. another note, kitty is really protective and close with beanie, and has beanie stay with her during the christmas holidays while her parents are away because beanie's mother is ill (this is in the case of the missing bunbreak which is a short story - also! - kitty gets beanie a dictaphone because beanie isn't so good at writing stuff up)

beanie: out of all of them, beanie is the one that seems to value her friends the most, and this really shows. most obviously is in jolly foul play, when beanie knowingly puts herself between her friends and the girl they just discovered is the murderer. beanie. who originally has this nickname because she is physically small. she ends up in the school hospital afterwards, but she was able to protect her friends. beanie's friends are also very protective of her, probably because she is so loveable, which we see in top marks for murder. remember when her dad shows up by himself, and beanie is freaked out because she had recently seen a man strangle/attempting to strangle a woman in the woods? she goes running off, and her friends go after her and hug her and reassure her. good stuff.

lavinia: lavinia as a character is complicated, but here we go. she is very much the "gruff character with a heart of gold" character, but it feels pretty reasonable. in the very first paragraph of the first book, it is mentioned that lavinia comes from a "broken home" i.e. her parents are divorced. i think we find this out even before we find out hazel is chinese. so yeah, given that divorce was pretty uncommon in the 30s, escpecially among wealthier people, i think this affected lavinia pretty hard, and as a result of the fallout from her parents' marriage, she decided she didn't need anyone (this is my interpretation, take it or leave it, but i have proof. it's mentioned that lavinia has older brothers, so i think even when she was a child growing up, lavinia didn't have the experience of parents who loved her and each other, that their marriage was on the rocks for a while, and eventually they decided to just end with divorce, damn the repurcussions, damn the fact that it will be a talking point at their daughter's school). she also doesn't have a significant best friend, which must feel kind of lonely in her dorm because kitty and beanie are best friends, as are daisy and hazel. but she's not entirely a lone wolf, even if it seems like it at first. daisy and hazel's first case is finding lavinia's tie, because lavinia asked them for help. when daisy inducts lavinia into the detective society in the fourth book, it's because lavinia asked to be part of it, and even though she mocks daisy's solemn rituals, hazel notes that she seems pleased to be part of it. when daisy and hazel come back to school at the start of the book, lavinia makes a "we didn't really miss you" comment, but hazel can tell she doesn't mean it. hazel also notes that lavinia seems pleased when the others tell her and daisy about lavinia being good at tennis; this contrasts with the tennis exhibition scene later in the book when her father's fiancée is cheering her on. essentially, lavinia's rejection of parental figures means that she probably values her friends all the more, and the support they give her. a couple of instances of her being a good friend to the others that stick out as well: in jolly foul play, when kitty's sister binny is found, and binny says she is hungry, lavinia is the one to give her some chocolate. lavinia also decides to crash at kitty's during the christmas holidays rather than spend them with her father and his fiancée. this has got too long, let's move on.

daisy: a bit like lavinia, daisy can be a bit mean to/reject others, which i think comes down to her confidence and self-assurance. these are great personality traits, don't get me wrong, but there can be downsides to them. for example, in jolly foul play, daisy feels less self-assured about her friendship with hazel because hazel and alexander have started to write to each other after meeting on the orient express (i'd also point out that this is at a time when daisy probably needs support more than ever because she and her family are probably still dealing with the aftermath of the murder and murder trial, which was probably quite a big deal). at one point, hazel sees daisy making lists and writing notes about the murder, the things that hazel usually does during an investigation. we can put this rejection of friendship with hazel down to daisy's insecurity. even earlier in the series is arsenic for tea, where i can think of two significant moments. firstly, daisy and hazel see her mother secretly making out with a man that is not daisy's father. rough, which is why afterwards hazel comforts her. the second instance is when daisy and hazel overhear a conversation between the butler and daisy's father, and without complete context, it seems to confirm that daisy's father is the murderer. at first daisy won't acknowledge it, and hazel has to practically put the words in her mouth, which is a pretty tense and emotional moment. it's not really an argument, but hazel has to force her best friend to confront the fact that her father may have committed a murder, which again ties into her self-assurance. in the first book, hazel writes about the honourable daisy wells; popular, pretty, clever, the daughter of a lord. she is storybook perfect, but in the second book, we see that things aren't as perfect as they seem. daisy finds out her mother's infidelity, and later fears that the father she adores may be a murderer. her self-assurance about that everything in her life is golden begins to falter, and so she relies on herself and her friends to work through the murder case. daisy is also a good friend though, especially to hazel. yes, she can be mean and teasing sometimes, but ultimately she is a good friend. when hazel's grandfather dies in a spoonful of murder, the first thing we hear daisy say about it is "i guess i'm coming to hong kong then". hazel needed daisy and daisy is there for her. daisy comforts hazel through grief over her loss, jealousy about her new baby brother, and guilt about the subsequent kidnapping and murder that takes place. and in death sets sail? daisy saves the life of hazel's youngest sister may. literally, because may is maybe seven or eight, and probably can't swim. hazel and her family and everyone else is panicking, but daisy kind of just runs straight into the situation, never mind the danger, she has to save hazel's sister. and she does. also a couple of things to note about this scene, when daisy turns to look back just before she goes overboard, hazel wonders if it was because amina was watching, and daisy wanted to impress her. but hazel also hears daisy say her name just before she goes overboard. in that scene, through all the stress daisy was thinking about hazel, her friend, and saving her friend's little sister.

hazel: finally, we come to hazel. out of all of them, maybe even more than beanie, i would say that hazel values her friends the most. for the obvious reason, her family lives on another continent, and therefore it's important to have some strong connection with the people she does have near to her. at first it's just kind of necessity? when she first comes to deepdean, hazel is shy and no-one really talks to her, and she is pretty much just a sort of curiosity, very much the "other". it is after daisy watches hazel's failed experiment in fitting in with the other girls, and realises how she is clever and observant and puts on an act for others (which hazel also recognises in daisy), that daisy decides that they're going to be friends. it's also my theory that this then leads to kitty, beanie and lavinia befriending her a bit more. while they probably weren't unkind or r*cist to her, they probably let the "otherness" of hazel's ethnicity and nationality act as a barrier to properly getting to know her, which was probably exacerbated by the fact that hazel is quite introverted (compared to amina for example, who is very outgoing and lively, which meant that everyone at deepdean immediately loved her - there is something to be said about the fact that people probably didn't regard amina with the same amount of "otherness" because if they can have a asian pupil at their school, why not an african one?). hazel is also a kind person, which makes her a good friend to the others. near the end of death sets sail, she helps look for the cook's brooch which had been a gift from daisy, and later comforts kitty about not having a boyfriend. but hazel also relies on her friends, and they support her. when hazel's grandfather dies and her father wants her to come home, she insists on having daisy with her. kitty tells hazel about the fact that alexander is clearly pining for her. in the first book when everyone is discussing the teacher that has gone missing (because she's been murdered) beanie brings up a rumour that the teacher is "an agent for the East" then panics and apologises to hazel (something hazel notes that only beanie would think to do). there are other facets of hazel and her friendships, that i could explore, but i am tired and this has gone on long enough.

if you have reached the end, congratulations. hopefully you enjoyed this essay length ramble about female friendships in the murder most unladylike series

[mrkcore]

in light of this situation that has happened in atlanta recently, i’ve been a bit scared to speak up, but i really want to talk about the situations of asian immigrants in these western countries. 

even though i’m not an asian american, as an asian canadian, seeing these things happen to asians everywhere hurts my heart deeply.

in chinese, america is “美国”, literally meaning “beautiful country”. 

so many asians immigrate to america with absolutely nothing. no english-speaking skills, no friends or family, no home, no income, and building a family there. taking your child with the hopes of them being able to be successful and have a better life. leaving your homeland with the “american dream”, sacrificing everything you had for the future of your children. 

usually balancing 2 or more jobs to even stay afloat, for non-asian to create this “model minority myth” really ignores and puts aside all of the hardships and sacrifices asian individuals had to endure. “asians are so diligent, they work hard, don’t complain, and stay silent.”; not only being silent because they couldn’t speak up, but diminishing all of the efforts they’ve put in to actually support their families, to have a good job, to get a good education, etc. (don’t even get me started on how this phrase also creates so much tension and hatred between different groups)

and all of this hard work only for white people to make fun of our culture, to make fun of our appearance, to fetishize our women, to put us down, is absolutely disgusting.

for the police to be hesitant to label the shooting as a hate crime truly shows how bad the tolerance of xenophobia is. 

these countries create bans and legislations against us, put us in internment camps, hate crime us, when are all of these atrocities going to be recognized? why is the education system not teaching people about these things when asians are such a prominent percentage of their population? why are we just learning about these things from social media infographics? why is our history invisible?

the perpetrator stated himself that he blamed asian women for his “sex addiction” displaying that even now, in times where people say are more “socially advanced”, people are still fetishizing asian women to the standards of “docile”, “quiet”, and “submissive”, still making the generalization that these women are sex workers. this is sickening. the victims were only trying to make money for their families at home to get by. and they were wrongfully taken from them. they won’t be able to see their families again, they won’t see their children graduate, won’t see their grandchildren, will not be able to experience the fullness of life. it was stolen from them. 

i watched this video today, talking about people that tell you to “toughen up” whenever something happens. the person said a really good point, they’re trying to weaken you, trying to silence you. so if you’re infuriated by this recent event, your feelings are valid. even though i personally have not faced super racist incidents, i see all of these people sharing their xenophobic occurrences and events in the news of asian elderly, students, anyone–getting killed, injured, traumatized. my heart goes out to everyone and their families affected. i too always think, “what if that was me?”, or “what if that was my family?”. we live in fear, and our experiences are belittled and our voices are taken away. 

so as a child of an asian canadian immigrant, i am proud to be chinese, to be asian. i am standing up for my parents right now for when they couldn’t. i am angry and i will not be silent any more, my parents did not sacrifice their future for me to be silenced. 

if you’re a non-poc ally that want to help, please listen to all of the experiences people have shared and educate yourself on our history in these countries.

as the new generation, we’re going to fight back until we get the respect we deserve. and we most definitely deserve that respect. so i encourage everyone to do something, even if it’s small. small still goes a long way, especially if everyone is speaking up.

we mourn with the families of the victims of this cruel incident:

Soon Chung Park, age 74

Hyun Jung Grant, age 51

Suncha Kim, age 69

Yong Yue, age 63

Delaina Ashley Yaun, age 33

Paul Andre Michels, age 54

Xiaojie Tan, age 49

Daoyou Feng, age 44

here are some resources for everyone to look at, as well as some gofundmes created by the families of the shooting victims. please take some time to look through them and share them:

gofundme for hyunjung kim - https://www.gofundme.com/f/in-memory-of-hyunjungkim-to-support-my-brother-i

CAA (chinese for affirmative action) website - https://caasf.org/

stop AAPI hate website - https://stopaapihate.org/

stop AAPI hate national report - https://a1w.90d.myftpupload.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/210312-Stop-AAPI-Hate-National-Report-.pdf

jenn im’s instagram post on anti-asian - https://www.instagram.com/p/CMnLjheJ9MJ/?hl=en

gofundme for tu hoang lam - https://www.gofundme.com/f/2awx9r78pc?utm_campaign=p_cp+share-sheet&utm_medium=copy_link_all&utm_source=customer

anti-asian violence carrd - https://anti-asianviolenceresources.carrd.co/

self-help resources from northwestern - https://www.northwestern.edu/counseling/self-help-resources/fighting-xenophobia-and-anti-asian-racism.html

a tumblr post with lots of other links to resources - https://donkuroo.tumblr.com/post/644675764167524352/important-please-read-if-you-care-about-the-asian

so many other ones, but i couldn’t link them all, but please check them out yourself :)

i hope everyone is doing okay during these hard times, and always remember that you are valid, your feelings are valid, and make sure to take care of yourself first. my blog is a safe place for everyone, so if you need any place to release all of these emotions you’re feeling, i welcome you with open arms. whether that is with a private message, ask, or an ask on anon, please do not hesitate to reach out. <3 

[teawaffles]

The Conspiratorial Bullet: Chapter 8 / End

“Hey, Helena. In the middle of the game, you suddenly went along with that guy and disappeared — where on earth did you go?”

“Hmm…… Explaining it would be a real pain. Just imagine what you like.”

The girl groaned in annoyance. “……Can’t you just tell me? Meanie.”

After the game had ended with the blue team’s victory, as he observed Helena and her former friend’s conversation from a distance, Bond spoke to William.

“Those two sure have gotten closer, haven’t they?”

William answered with a smile.

“Perhaps it’s like how after rain, comes fair weather.” [1]

“Though for the two of them, it must’ve been like a bolt from the blue, huh.”

After that modest exchange of proverbs, Bond wondered aloud.

“Moran-kun and I haven’t heard the details, but for now, can we consider the case closed without incident?”

“Yep; the perpetrator has been caught, and the threat to Helena and her family has been effectively eliminated.”

This time, the plan had been set up after William and the others leveraged their intelligence network to identify the criminal, and then shared the information they’d obtained with Helena. From his profile of Andy, William had read the man’s every move, then intentionally left him at large in order to catch him in the act — that was the entire flow of it. Hence, apart from the key players involved, the others had been told nothing more than that they would be “using the game to capture the criminal”.

William had put an end to it all. After hearing his report, Bond seemed satisfied.

“That’s great. To be honest, ever since I got caught up in the game, I’ve been thinking a little — that maybe, I haven’t actually done anything useful today.”

“Far from it; on the contrary, it’s because you took the game so seriously, that Andy dropped his guard and carried out his plan to frame Mr Kevin.”

“——So you’re saying the match between me and the old geezer was well and truly a serious one.”

Placing a hand on William’s shoulder, Moran joined the conversation. Behind him stood Jack and Albert.

Jack sighed in consternation.

“You’re quite persistent, you know. It was just one hit.”

Yet Moran was undeterred.

“Still, it’s a fact that I scored that hit. If it was a real bullet, you would’ve been a goner.”

“Wasn’t it because it wasn’t live that it managed to hit me……?”

Jack smiled wryly, and Albert spoke up in a cool voice.

“Furthermores, it’s an undeniable fact that you got hit right after. Isn’t that right, Colonel?”

“Ugh.”

Albert had been spot on, and the corners of Moran’s mouth twitched as he fell silent.

Having watched their exchange with amusement, William thanked them once again.

“I’m truly grateful to all of you for lending a hand today. Truthfully, it pained me to have involved everyone in catching just one criminal.”

Hearing that, Moran clapped him on the shoulder.

“As I said, we had fun, so it’s alright. In fact, it’s been a long time since we’ve fought one another all out, so I’m grateful for that.”

“Indeed: we’re also pleased to have had a showdown with Colonel Moran.”

“Now hold on just a minute. Don’t think you’ve won just because you caught me off guard once.”

Even now, Moran was still snapping at Albert. Seeing that, Jack spoke up in a grave tone.

“On the battlefield, even the slightest carelessness will cost you your life, Moran.”

“I’m well aware of the basics! Don’t give me those useless platitudes!”

Just like that, William and the others were engaged in an amicable conversation, when the parent and child who’d been the central figures of this case called out to them.

“Everyone: thank you very much for today.”

Having wrapped up her conversation with her friend, Helena thanked them in a light-hearted tone that was distinctively hers. Continuing from where she’d left off, Kevin stood beside his daughter as he gave the entire Moriarty household a deep bow.

“How can I ever thank you enough for this……?”

On behalf of all of them, Albert spoke.

“We have simply acted according to our sense of justice. In particular, Mr Kevin, I would like to apologise for not informing you of our plans.”

Kevin hastily shook his head.

“No no no; Lord Albert, you have nothing to feel guilty about: you all saved Helena’s and my lives.”

“That’s right — we’re really grateful for that. We’ll probably never forget this kindness.”

Upon hearing that inappropriate cockiness, Kevin admonished her at once.

“What’s this pomposity towards the people who’ve helped you? Also, you should be saying ‘definitely’ rather than ‘probably’……. Apologies; to have such an unpleasant exchange at this time…”

He bowed repeatedly as he said that. But suddenly, as he remained in a bow, Kevin looked up and asked a question.

“……Come to think of it, what happened to that man? It seems the other participants haven’t noticed anything at all.”

He was concerned about Andy Krueger’s fate. He had punched the living daylights out of the man, so much so he’d been knocked unconscious — that much Kevin himself knew, but as William and the others had taken care of the aftermath, he hadn’t heard the details of what happened after that.

“He’s now on one of our carriages, with Louis and Fred keeping an eye on him,” replied William. “We felt there was no need to blindly call in the police and spoil the fun.”

“I see……. Then, will he be taken to the police after this?”

Handing a criminal over to the police. That was what common sense dictated, but William deliberately tilted his head with a troubled expression.

“As much as we would like to, ……the nobility of this country wield an outsize influence, hence there is a concern that even judicial rulings will be twisted in their favour. If that were to happen, both of you may end up in harm’s way again. As such, we shall engage in careful negotiations, with the aim of preventing such things from ever happening again.”

A calm smile rose to William’s face, and unconsciously, Kevin gulped.

Normally, negotiating with a criminal outside the authority of the state would be out of the question. But William’s smile held a power that seemed almost divine, erasing all such doubts.

How would they deal with Andy after this? It was probably wiser not to probe into that. Anyway, it was true that they had saved both their lives. Best to let sleeping dogs lie.

The unfathomable nature of these young men made Kevin’s blood run cold. Then, William changed the topic.

“So, what are your plans from here on?”

Kevin lowered his gaze a little, and met his daughter’s eyes as she stood beside him.

“Just like before, I’m going to spend time with my children. As for the plans for the new store…… To be honest, I’m worried about going it alone, but I intend to do my best anyway.”

“Hmm — I have no idea how to manage a store, but my brother and I will be supporting Mr Kevin together. Even though I don’t look like it, I’m good with housework and stuff, you know.”

“……Is that so?”

At their words, William nodded, and a strange silence settled between the two parties.

Kevin and Helena were trying to appear relieved at having overcome great danger, but even so, it must’ve been an immense shock to learn that a person important to both of them had been murdered. That emotional wound had yet to heal, and now that fact revealed itself in the form of silence.

“U-Um……”

In a hurry, Helena tried to find the words to dispel the unpleasant atmosphere. Right then, Kevin raised his voice a little as he made an announcement.

“In any case, we’ll be alright. Somehow, I believe we’ll overcome this tragedy and move forward.”

Helena nodded along with his words, and William broke into a gentle smile.

“Indeed. I shall be praying for your family’s bright future.”

After those modest words of encouragement, William held out a clenched fist towards Kevin.

“Also, that punch was very satisfying.”

“Definitely. You socked him with all you had — I’ve seen you in a new light.”

Helena did a swift one-two as she shadow-boxed, and Kevin ruffled his hair in embarrassment.

“It was unbecoming of me. Though, I don’t regret it one bit.”

“Since you had the courage to pull that off, I’m sure you’ll do just fine from here on.”

“I’m honoured to hear that. Well then, I hope we meet again someplace else.”

As Kevin bid them farewell, Helena stood up straight and looked at William and the others in turn.

“To everyone in the Moriarty household: today, we are truly in your debt. We’ll never forget this kindness, definitely not.”

With an uncharacteristically polite tone, Helena expressed their gratitude once again, and both father and daughter left the scene with peaceful expressions.

As he sent them off, the eldest brother asked his younger sibling a question.

“——Well now, is this truly the end of it, William?”

A hint of the Lord of Crime — who was striking terror across the country — revealed itself in William’s expression as he spoke.

“Of course not: we still have the finishing touches left.”

At those words, the entire Moriarty household smiled in unison.

T/N: Helena’s story isn’t over just yet — there’s one final piece of the puzzle, and it’s a big one! Stay tuned x)

Footnotes:

[1] This is the literal translation of the proverb 雨降って地固まる — essentially, it means that good things do come out of bad things.

Translator’s notes

The Moriarty household

I’ve translated the phrase モリアーティ家 as “the Moriarty household” when it is used to address everyone in the Moriarty organisation, since “the Moriarty family” suggests that only the three brothers are being referred to.

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

@spanglespants​ said: 

Personally, you are the reason I'm planning on at least one of my fics to include Prof just being out of touch instead of purposefully neglectful to being forgetful. Actually I may redeem him in For a Smeet's Sake' at some point still have not decided how if I do yet. But he did notice something important in the chapter I'm working on. He'll get there.

Personally, you are the reason I'm planning on at least one of my fics to include Prof just being out of touch instead of purposefully neglectful to being forgetful. Actually I may redeem him in For a Smeet's Sake' at some point still have not decided how if I do yet. But he did notice something important in the chapter I'm working on. He'll get there.

Oh lord! That makes me SO HAPPY!

I know that Baddadbrane used to be a more popular take in the fandom. Just cause I feel a lot of people project their parental issues onto him...

But I think what makes Professor Membrane a relatable character for me personally, is that he isn’t intentionally malicious and he makes a lot of mistakes. Some minor, and some huge. 

He’s extremely scatterbrained, neglectful and sometimes he can just say entirely the wrong things.

He misses most social cues and a lot of his traits are very common to someone with autism (aspergers especially, which is why me and @paketdimensioncomic​ made the decision to give him that particular form of autism in our Fics.)

Like me writing Redemption arcs for Membrane and focusing on him as a character study is not me trying to say:

“Oh he’s trying guys... look at the poor suffering dad.. we should forgive him.” 

Like that’s not what I’m trying to say. Like people who think that about my fics don’t know me that well. 

Membrane has the most character shift from the show to the Florpus and he can be an extremely nuanced character when you look at him.

Professor Membrane in my fics and stories are basically me looking back on my parents from an adult point of view, as well as looking back in my childhood.

Because I know as a kid, I would have 100% related to Dib and probably would have not liked the science man if I had watched the show when I was ten years old when it came out. 

I think it’s important that Membrane LOVES his kids. He adores them and would literally do anything for them.

And before you say, “he has put Dib in the crazy house multiple times”

yeah, that’s a huge mistake.

But people forget that Dib attacks children in class. Like way before Zim ever showed up to earth. He chased and cornered a hairy kid up the monkey bars, bullied a kid and said his dad was a yetti, and has a LARGE file in the guidance counselors office ...  

By the time that the SHOW STARTS....  Membrane is used to Dib’s shananigans.... and he tries to be supportive....

Membrane’s dismissiveness here always kinda spoke to me: “ah, I’m used to this... oh well, boys will be boys, what can I do,  I’ll just let him have this...” 

People always forget that Membrane isn’t entirely dismissive of Dib here. Like he agrees with Dib that, “Yes, maybe there is possible life on other planets... but not INTELLEGENT life... and if there IS intelligent life out there.... they are way too far away in light years to engage in communication with Earth”

Like Membrane doesn’t dismiss the idea of aliens... but he sees aliens that exist in the show, something that is entirely science-fiction. 

Membrane doesn’t really understand encouraging imagination in his children... (like Dib is still 9-10) Especially since Dib’s imagination leads to him hurting and being harmful to his other classmates. 

The only reason I feel that he’s so adamant on the: “THERE ARE NO ALIENS” in ETF is because he’s dealt with Dib’s behavior for years over these things.... so.... Yeah... Membrane got frustrated and said “I’ve TRIED to be patient with your unscientific interests...” and by that point... he had been... Like Membrane lost his arms and has probably listened to and tried to be accepting and accommodating towards his son the best he can... (like why would Dib be a chair otherwise... Membrane sucks at putting down boundaries) 

But can you think of the amount of trouble that Dib causes and what he has to answer to... 

It’s not like Dib is engaging with a hobby like art or writing and Membrane is like: “you need a career in a respectable field, son.” 

That is not what is happening here.

Dib’s hobby is one where he is ACTIVELY ATTACKING AND HARMING OTHERS. 

What else is Membrane supposed to do? He’s trying his best to encourage Dib to engage in a less harmful and more productive field. He just wants his son to be excited about what he’s excited about... And I believe he’s completely unaware of the pressure this really puts on Dib...

Why do you think he said in ETF “I’m always proud of you”  BECAUSE HE IS!!!

I think Membrane is completely unaware how much of his encouragement towards “real science” is more harmful to Dib than helpful. But even in Mopiness of Doom.... as much as Dib being involved in his science makes HIM happy, it doesn’t make DIB happy... so he lets him go to “catch that alien” without forcing him to stay.

Membrane is obviously devastated that his son doesn’t want to work with him... but he’s not intentionally forcing him to stay or takes that out on his son...  He blames himself for how Dib turned out. (and he should, honestly at points) but hindsight is 20/20 and he needs to learn a lot more as a father... 

He made a mistake in how he handled Dib’s harmful obsession by just letting the Crazy House for boys handled things... He should have honestly talked to his son personally about this.. Like, “why did you push that boy off the handlebars” “the skool told me you were bullying another kid”  “I hope you’re not roughhousing with your little green friend too much...”. But Membrane doesn’t really know how to handle emotions and feelings and conflicts... This is something he actively is working harder to improve on..

I do think elements are there for Membrane to redeem himself and even then, Dib and Gaz don’t have to forgive him if they want, not really. 

Here’s an expert from Me and @paketdimensioncomic​ ‘s ARM’s fic about the “wishing isn’t scientific son” scene in particular, it’s not cannon, but it might as well be, and it’s probably his thought process (he tried to reach out to his son when he stormed off angry afterall)

I think Membrane is a very complex character, just because there are two iterations of him and he’s really the only character in the franchise to actually get character development. 

I know people when the Florpus movie came out said that version of Membrane in ETF was “dishonest” to his portrayal in the show... but I really think it’s showing that he is trying. And The Comics showed me that’s the Membrane that’s here to stay.

He has a lot to learn... Obviously... I am still dissatisfied with how ETF ended with the “All’s well that ends well” ending, but I always like to see the different directions people like to take the bumbling Professor in.

He’s just constantly tripping his way through parenthood, and I want to see him try 10000000% harder. 

In Conclusion: “Professor Membrane tries his best but still kinda sucks at parenting” is peak characterization for him and I love that more people try to write him like this now instead of intentionally malicious. 

[cancerbiophd]

Why We Sleep: Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams by Matthew Walker

THIS BOOK is life changing. (Even Bill Gates thought so!) I learned so much, and not just scientific facts that satisfy my curiosity. My (seemingly defunct) sleep habits have been validated, and I’m now empowered with ways to drastically improve my physical, mental, and emotional health. Ever since finishing the book I’ve been enthusiastically telling others to please read it.

Some things I’ve personally learned:

Being a night owl, early bird, or somewhere in the middle is genetic. We literally can not change this “habit”, because it’s not a habit; it’s a biological function. About 40% of people are early birds, 30% are night owls, and 30% are in the middle. The theory as to why we’ve evolved this way is because as a social species, this natural ability to take turns keeping watch at night improves our survival as a whole. Thus we as a society need to rethink and rework the ways that our world favors early birds and shuns night owls.

All teenagers have a shift in circadian rhythm that is different than young children and adults. They literally can not naturally fall asleep until well past midnight, and thus should not be waken up until after their 8 hours of sleep. What parents--and society--expecting teens to go to bed by 10 pm and wake up by 6 or 7 am for school is like asking an adult to go to bed at 7 or 8 pm, and then wake up at 4 am. Horrible, right? And yes, that chronic sleep-deprivation does have real consequences, such as a link to increased physical and mental illness. 

The natural human sleep schedule is a continuous 7-8 hours at night, and a brief 30 - 60 min nap in the afternoon. Studies have shown that in cultures where this schedule has been suddenly disrupted (like a study in Greece), people with no history of cardiovascular disease suddenly showed a 37% increase in the chance of dying from heart disease (vs those who still maintained a mid-day napping schedule) over the 6-year study period. Yikes. 

Oh, btw, that whole observation in Western Europe about people sleeping in 2 segments in the night (and waking up in the middle to eat, socialize, etc) is not a biological thing, but rather, cultural. That is not how humans have evolved to sleep. 

I think we’re all kind of familiar with knowing that sleep is attached to remembering facts, but sleep is also necessary for learning new facts. Thus a good night’s rest is not just essential for doing well on tomorrow’s exam, but also for remembering tomorrow’s lecture in another class. To put it another way: you retain short-term memories in the hippocampus, but it has a storage limit (like a USB stick). Thus sleep helps move those memories into long-term storage so you can remember them, and by doing so, also frees up that space for new memories. 

Sleep is also essential for learning new motor skills. If you’re having trouble with say, playing a difficult piece on the piano, try again after a full night’s rest. When you’re sleeping, your brain is still actively working perfecting that sequence of piano keys you need to press. Thus the adage of “practice makes perfect” should be amended to “practice and sleep makes perfect”. 

Sleeping 6 hours/night for 10 days straight will cause a cognitive decline equivalent to staying up for 24 hours straight. And for those of us who keeps that exact same sleep schedule and think we’re “fine”, we really don’t realize how not fine we are because we think that’s our baseline normal. If you’ve ever wished to have more energy and be more productive, sleeping more may just be your magical wish-granting-genie.

Every hour in the US someone dies from a car accident caused by someone behind the wheel not getting enough sleep, due to the brain essentially “blacking out” to outside stimulus for a few seconds during a micro-sleep. As a perspective: a drunk driver is merely slow at reacting to say, slamming the brakes; a sleep-deprived driver going through a micro-sleep doesn’t react at all. 

Heart attacks across the US spike significantly the day following daylights savings when everyone loses an hour of sleep. The opposite is true when we gain back that hour in the fall: heart attacks drop the following day. And that’s just one piece of evidence that sleep supports a healthy heart. 

Sleeping 4 hours/night for just six nights increases your blood glucose levels so much you would be classified as pre-diabetic. 

It’s well known that alcohol can disrupt REM sleep. What was interesting is that alcohol-disrupted sleep can interfere with memory (and thus learning) even up to three nights later, even if you get 2 full nights of sleep before consuming alcohol. Therefore, if you have an exam on Monday, drinking on the Friday before will interfere with remembering everything you’ve studied the previous 2 days. 

Blue light, like those emitted from LED lightbulbs and the phone/tablet/computer screen you’re reading this from, stimulates our brain to wake-up and to stay awake. The evolutionary hypothesis for this is that we--and all land animals--evolved from marine life in the ocean, where the only visible light is blue, and therefore our brains recognize blue light as a cue to wake up. 

And that’s just a small fraction of the super interesting life-changing things I gained from this book. So if you found these tid-bits fascinating, I highly suggest checking it out!

[bumbleboarhd]

Where The Wild Things Are (2009) - Crumby review #1

Hello! Thank you for reading this review! In these reviews I will try to encapsulate what I loved or hated in a piece of media. At the end, instead of giving it a score I’ll compare it to a food or a specific taste and experience. Enjoy!

The first time I saw this film was my freshman year of college. I was severely depressed and spent most of my days grinding through movies I’d always wanted to watch but never got the chance to. I can’t remember what specifically inspired me to watch this one in particular. I was interested in the film when I was a kid but never got the chance to see it. It could’ve been some podcast or video essay but either way this movie captivated me back then. There was no doubt in my mind that I was watching something truly special. I couldn’t quite verbalize it at the time but the movie resonanted with some forgotten part of me. 

Well, it’s been 5 years and lucky for me but unlucky for you. I now have the capacity to verbalize why this movie slaps! This film is an enigma. When most directors are given the chance to adapt a childens book they usually choose to either expand on the initial work while staying recognizable or do the same plot but pad it out with humor or OCs voiced by whoever is popular at the time. WTWA is definitely the former rather than the latter. Spike Jonze (who I was shocked to learn was asked to make a children’s film) examines the themes of the original book and shows them to us not as they actually were but as we remembered them. It captures the duality of childhood especially for those of us that grew up emotionally unsatiated. The parents are overworked and tired, the siblings are bored and apathetic, and we the child want all the attention but are also repulsed by the world around us. Max wants his mother’s attention but can’t understand that she’s barely making ends meet and is exhausted. He throws temper tantrums and demands to be looked at with authority but cannot handle any repercussions. This is all expected because Max is a literal child. The film isn’t trying to punish max nor does it seem interested in criticizing him. Max does face consequences but it doesn’t feel like watching veggie tales or my little pony where there’s an unseen moral inquisitor making sure everyone suffers. In this film it feels natural and like the characters are truly making organic decisions. Max is confronted by monsters who mimick his ego and through this confrontation he realizes what he needs to change in his own life. The best part of all of this is it’s done through subtle storytelling. A lot of Max’s feelings and actions are only explained through visuals, there’s no exact moment when a character just says the point of why everything is happening. Nor, is there a moment where Max just says “This is the lesson I learned”. It truly feels like the film is trying to present and define elements of the human experience that are intangible. It’s more about the emotions and thoughts that are evoked than it is about bringing the viewer to one unified answer. There is no perfect phrase for when you know you’ve gone too far but can’t apologize or when you go from an emotional high to a sadness that leaves you nonverbal and sobbing. the cinematography helps to support this goal of portraying rampant whimsy married with brutal emotional unruliness. We get tons of wide shots filled with negative space and the film is not afraid to let the camera linger for just the right amount of time. The opening of the film is a perfect punch in the face to introduce us to Max. It was honestly one of the best looking movies I’ve seen in a while. The cgi faces of the monsters took a bit to get used to but props on them for using actual constumes for the most part. 

 I found the characters to be off putting at first with their super laidback manner of speech but soon I warmed up to them. The film even got several verbal chuckles out of me which is a good sign! Not that I’m a hard nut to crack lol. Max’s acting was absolutely superb. I’m too lazy to look up if this kid was nominated for anything but this has got to be one of the most realistic portrayals of a troubled child in film and there are A LOT of troubled children in film. The ost was phenomenal except for a few licensed songs that just felt too generic for me. “Hideaway” is a hood classic ofc but some of the other songs were just too on the nose. Any time I heard an indie musician scream as Max was getting angry I cringed. Lastly, while I would suggest anyone reading this to watch the film, I can’t really reccommend it for children. I don’t agree that it’s inappropriate but I don’t think they’d really get it. This film is more like Boyhood, Eighth Grade, or The Florida Project, where the point is moreso to look at childhood in retrospection than to explain these feelings to children. Those are my thoughts at least, I’m not a parent yet haha! 

I’d consider this movie a subtle and masterfully crafted parfait you have on a lonely stroll through the city. The beginning of your day was full of dissappointments and all your plans fell through. The museum is closed and your friends forgot any plans you may have made. You think about just heading home and calling the day a bust, but on your way to the car you see a cute, humble, diner having a sale on desserts. You decide to treat yourself and partake. Plus, it’s been a while since you ate out and payday was yesterday so it won’t hurt too bad. The line moves too fast and you get anxious when the cashier asks for your order. So you pick a random parfait. Great, another dissappointment. You go to an outside table and sit. At first, you feel angry at yourself. This was the one mistake you could’ve controlled but you failed like you always do. You grab a spponful of your food expecting something that’s ok but not as good as it could’ve been. You’re wrong, the parfait is not too sweet but not underwhelming either. It’s just enough to kep you chasing for more. Your cheeks feel flush and for the first time all day your body is able to relax. You keep digging into your cup taking bite after bite riding this high of creamy sweetness. In this pursuit, you feel happy but before you know it there’s no parfait left. Usually you’d get mad at yourself for eating too fast but then it hits your stomach. You feel like a boulder. There’s no way you can get up now, so you stay and watch the cityscape. You see a nervous couple on a date. You can tell it must be a first one becuase they keep chattering away stealing the silence with nervous yet authentic banter. They seem truly happy. You see a child walking with their father. the kid trips and scrapes their knee. As they look up towards their dad it seems like a meltdown is imminent. Tears are sloshing down and their face is turning to a violent shade of red, resembling that of a scared and dejected yet powerful stop sign but the dad is able to make enough silly faces and noises to bring the kid back to a state of happiness. watching this reminds you of when you were a kid. You feel the cold autmn breeze pass through you and dance through the trees, bringing that nostalgic autumn scent with it. You realize it’s been a while since you’ve had a moment like this to yourself. A moment to just be. It feels nice, today was nice. 

Thank you for reading this! It took a lot of motivation lol. Look forward to more and have a Happy Valentines Day! 

[chalkrevelations]

So, Word of Honor Ep 23, and LISTEN. This is going to be another long one. We are in it, now.

(Clearly, spoilers, so if you’re thinking you might want to start watching and don’t want to know everything up front, scroll away and come back after you watch the ep.)

Look, I’m just gonna talk about this first because I can’t even process anything else, or function, until I get this out of the way: I came for the bl and the pretty boys, but at this point, I have to reiterate what I said after Ep 22, that I am so grateful Zhou Ye got her fingers into Gu Xiang and absolutely refused to let go of this role, through everything. She’s going on my actors-to-follow list, and I’ll also be following scriptwriter Xiao Chu into whatever she writes from now on. A little bit, I’ve come out of Ep 23 thinking, did anything else even happen, other than That Scene with A-Xiang and Wen Kexing? (Oh, yeah, That Other Scene with Wen Kexing and Cao Weining about Gu Xiang.) The show is going to have to work to top That Scene for me. The first time watching, I couldn’t even really focus on how the Gu Xiang/Cao Weining and Wen Kexing/Zhou Zishu relationships continue to reflect each other and how everything A-Xiang expresses during this conversation is exactly what Wen Kexing feels/fears about himself but cannot say out loud. All of that was there, and I mentally picked through it and unpacked it some more on a re-watch of the scene, but the first time through, I was too busy being legit distressed about Gu Xiang’s fear and pain and how desperately she wants this new thing and how afraid she is, not only of fucking it up or having it fucked up for her, but of getting it. Last night at dinner I compared this storyline to a kind of reverse Persephone story, where she’s being pulled by her lover OUT of the land of death, but is nevertheless having to leave behind everything and everyone she knows and is familiar with, including her beloved brother/parent figure. And all this after being told for essentially her whole life that what she’s doing is forbidden and unworkable, that the human world and the world of Ghost Valley do not mix. (We just saw Wen Kexing have his own little mental stall over this, just so the show can make sure we don’t forget.) And Gu Xiang is so unprepared for all of this and so terrified by it, despite the fact she wants it so badly, that she literally cannot do anything - this shining, clever, fierce girl who will stab you if you look at her the wrong way because she’s been taught to survive above all else - she can’t do anything other than sit down with her arms wrapped around her knees pulled to her chest so that she’s the smallest target possible, protecting all the tenderest, most vulnerable places, and weep. Y’all, it is killing me even thinking about it. I might have to take a minute.

So, then they come at me with the second hit of the one-two punch, which is the scene between Wen Kexing and Cao Weining, where Wen Kexing talks about how this little girl not only saved him, but he calls her meimei, and at that point, I’m done. I’m just. There’s nothing else I need right now from this show. I realize this is supposed to be a story about Wen Kexing and Zhou Zishu, and up until now, my ride-or-die has been Zhou Zishu, but whatever. Fine. I WANT TO LIVE HERE AT LI MANOR FOREVER, SHOW, WHY MUST A-XIANG AND CAO-XIONG GO BACK TO HIS SECT? Listen, I think it is a far, far better idea if Cao Weining marries in to Four Seasons Manor, and Gu Xiang’s paternal figure is the ... lol, I almost just called him the Ghost General ... he is who he is, so frankly, I don’t know why he should be so concerned about following social conventions, like having daughters of the house marry out. (I know you think you’re protecting her, Lao Wen, but YOU ARE BREAKING UP THE FAMILY. I need them to stay with the rest of you forever. I need Zhou Zishu to continue to call A-Xiang a “good girl,” because I suspect that hasn’t happened very often in her life, and she needs more of it.) Then, as a last kick in the ribs, once I’m down, the show has WKX tell A-Xiang that she’s not a wild girl because she’s his girl. Thanks, show, I didn’t need my heart for anything like pumping blood to oxygenate my brain or any of my body parts. It’s OK. I can do without it.

Anyway, going back and looking at multiple story-telling levels of all this, there’s the additional issue that during That Scene, A-Xiang is also a proxy for Wen Kexing, saying things that he can’t. (For emotional and psychological reasons within the show, and for practical reasons because they probably wouldn’t pass censorship.) Maybe some things that he can’t even let himself think, at this point. So every time, from here on out, when Zhou Zishu asks Wen Kexing about his past and Wen Kexing momentarily freezes with that trapped look on his face, we can think back to this conversation with A-Xiang and realize that Wen Kexing is terrified by his relationship with Zhou Zishu, despite how desperately he wants this new thing. He is so afraid of fucking it up, but he’s also so afraid of getting it, and he’s so unprepared for it that he literally cannot do anything - this fierce survivor, this ghost king, who will crawl over corpses and skin a guy alive and kill you if you look at him the wrong way because almost (almost) all he’s known is to survive above all else - he cannot do anything except mentally and emotionally curl up so that he’s the smallest target possible, protecting all the tenderest, most vulnerable places. So thanks, show, for what promises to be a repeated exercise of stabbing me in the heart.

Just a little bit more about these scenes: I also think we’re getting at least one, maybe two other foils in the story-telling, which are more about the Wen Kexing-Gu Xiang relationship. Maybe less supported but nevertheless intriguing, I have to wonder if, when he took on that little girl despite (or maybe because of) still being essentially a child himself, Wen Kexing was trying to re-create - even subconsciously - something of the shixiong-shidi relationship he experienced for that brief time with Zhou Zishu as a child. Yes, she saved him by making him keep his heart, because he had this actual nurturing relationship to at least try to model their relationship on. I also think that we’re maybe supposed to be seeing them as a foil to Xie Wang and his AWFUL yifu, who appears to have taken on a kid and turned him into a murder weapon not in any effort to help him survive, but to use him as a tool in his quest for power. Both Wen Kexing and Zhao Jing have produced Poorly Socialized Murder Babies Who Love Them Very Much, but I think Wen Kexing actually had his kid’s best interests at heart, as he understood them, and tried to do the best he could with the extremely broken tool box he had to hand. Also, he loves her back. All that doesn’t mean she’s not fucked up or necessarily any better prepared for the “human” world than Xie Wang, but it may have made the difference between an amoral murder baby who can learn better and an actual sociopath.

In other comparisons, that first convo of the ep between Zhou Zishu and Wen Kexing - when ZZS says that he doesn’t want to see more sins on WKX’s hands - is essentially the same convo that Cao Weining had with Gu Xiang in the previous ep, when he tells her that he wants her to be more careful because he knows she actually will feel bad for killing innocent people. This is the same conversation because these two relationships are the same relationship. (Note, I don’t think they started out like this, or that their beginnings were all that similar. Cao Weining was much more of a pursuer and initiator than Zhou Zishu was, in the beginning. But I think the courses of the two relationships have converged, at this point, with Cao Weining and Zhou Zishu knowing what they want and being all in, while Gu Xiang and Wen Kexing also want it but are too fucking scared of it for practically the same reasons.)

Meanwhile, speaking of Xie Wang - what are you up to Xie’er? Do you want the Water of Lethe so you can drink it and get over your awful yifu? Are you finally at the point that you’re doing some critical thinking about this relationship? Or do you want the Water of Lethe so you can slip it to your awful yifu, so that he’ll forget about his obsessions with power that prevent him from focusing on YOU? You call Beauty Ghost an idiot, but I think you may be empathizing (though not sympathizing) a bit much with the women of the Department of the Unfaithful.

Finally, that brief little moment of Zhou Zishu’s face when Wen Kexing spits out his wine after stealing it from him ... Oh, god. You didn’t realize how bad it tasted, did you? Your sense of taste is going.

[marinetteplztakeabreak]

ML Lies Episode Predictions:

There’s Two?? (don’t trust my math) more days before lies completely destroys me, so I’m going to make some predictions, and by predictions I mean wishlist. My walls are already up, so if none of these happen I won’t be disappointed, but also a girl can dream: (this is somehow 1700 entire words long because I have a lot of feelings, so it’s under a cut, you’re welcome)

—Adrien and Kagami’s are secretly dating: please I want it so bad, I’ve talked about this so much and emotionally I need it!! At the very least I want them to sneak out together so so bad I’d cry. But also, if they’re hiding it from their other friends for whatever reason, thats SUCH good angst potential.

—If we get to see some kinda montage of them sneaking out??? Id ride that high for months. Even just one actual example of them working together to sneak out would obliterate me. Like, how it shows Kagami sneaking out to go to the game in Ikari Gozen?? I’d cry

—The breakup happens as a direct result of it being a secret relationship: this would be SUCH a good parallel to lukanette. Lukanette broke up because Luka wanted Marinette to be more open with him and he hated being in the dark, so just, the parallels if Adrien wants to be more open about adrimi and Kagami is like “you dont understand, if your dad finds out about us he will end this immediately” but Adrien wants to believe that its going to be okay and no one will react badly? I’m probably explaining this badly and I’ll try to explain it better later I just,,, want parallels and opposites and truth v lies and hhhhh

—Fencing??? Friendly/ affectionate competition??? Them being idiot jocks in love??? Please??? I want to see them compete!!

—I’d love to see Kagami character growth + Adrimi relationship development!!! I want her to love herself more and be more comfortable around him!!!

—Specifically, if there was a parallel to Riposte,, and Adrien beat Kagami in a fencing match and Kagami was like “Oh nice!! :D good game!” I’d be so happy I’d cry!! And it’s kinda implied by Chat Blanc that they’re already there in there relationship?? But not confirmed?? So if I saw it or saw confirmation of it I’d cry!!

—in one of the released photos it looked like they were holding hands??? And at this point my expectations are so low I don’t even trust it yet but blease,,, let them hold hands,, i’d cry of joy

—If Adrien is also constantly leaving and disappearing due to akuma responsibilities, I want it to read SUPER differently from the Lukanette because I love parallels/foils!! Marinette disappears on her dates with Luka and its just “oh marinette is really distracted and busy and frazzled” but I dont think Adrimi but be loke that at all!!! Because as far as Kagami knows, she has the same backstory/current story as Adrien. She’s risking a lot by sneaking out to go on dates with him?? So Adrien seeing an akuma and being like “oh sorry father is calling” isnt even suspicious or anything??? Its 100% believable!!! If her mother called she’d immediately be like “oh fricking heck i Need To Leave this instant immediately.” So its less “Adrien doesnt care about her” and more of just twisting the knife and reminding her that life doesnt want them to be together and Adrien is never going to be free!!! Big ouch to her heart!!!

—also I want!!!! Them!!! To talk about their feelings!!! Because parallels to truth!!! Adrien is like “sorry I have to go” and Kagami is like “oh I hate that so much” and Adrien is like “big same.” (Also idk how realistic this is but I’d love it if ‘Kagami talking about her feelings’ wasn’t the cause of strife in their relationship!! Like, she talks about how she feels and when she’s upset and Adrien is like “yeah me too” and they’re just,, good bros)

—I need them to stay friends after the breakup, i need it i need it i need it!!! And the whole issue is!! I feel like the main reason they’d date is to try and hang out more?!?? So if the breakup was actually them talking to each other and being like “hey so this isnt working with sneaking out, we’re going to need to go back to the way it was before,” rather than them saying they were bad for each other???? Hoo boy i’d lose my mind

—Also!!! My favorite prediction, I’d die of joy if this happened (and also of angst). I want there to be so much drama with “secret relatinship” stuff that they try to fix it by going public with their relationship!! Very low chance of this actually happening but its okay if it doesnt, thats what the fanfiction I’m inevitably going to write immediately after watching the episode is for!!! But anyway,, multiple ways this could happen.

Maybe they’ve been secretly dating since Miracle Queen and they decide to go public at the beginning of this episode and that’s the primary source of plot/conflcit!!! I’d be thrilled!!!

BUT!!! if the episode ends with then Not Breaking Up, but instead deciding to go from dating secretly to dating publicly???? Holy Freaking Heck,,, I’d go feral with emotion!!!! I also need to expand on this so much more but basic rundown of how I imagine it could happen (again: Is it likely?? Probably not! but this is my last chance to dream):

Kagami is like “listen we have the same backstory and I KNOW in my soul that this relationship wouldn’t work if it was public”

Adrien is like “okay yeah I feel you, thats fair”

Kagami goes on dates with Adrien and its fun and nice and lovely and the honeymoon phase is so good and exciting

Adrien starts disappearing a lot, partly because of akuma attacks, but partly because of nathalie and gabe calling him constantly

Adrien starts to be like “well actually i think that my dad does care about me probably? And if he knew why I wanted to go he’d let me! Or at least Nathalie would because clearly she cares about me!”

Kagami is like “hhhnngg have you met them?? You think they’d want you to be happy and free??” Except she can’t just SAY that because if she did then she’d be crushing Adrien’s entire heart and possibly also making him get really defensive and he has to come to the conclusion that his parents are good on his own

Kagami also starts to get frustrated with how much more often Adrien has to leave than she does?? And its because of akuma attacks but she doesnt know that and he cant tell her

Adrien starts to get frustrated because he can take the “having to leave for akuma attacks” part but when he finally finishes an akuma battle and Natalie immediately calls him it is just aaaaaAAAAAAAA and he just wants to believe so badly that he could at least take control of that part??? He could at least get Nathalie to help him out??? Probably maybe right???

Because we all know he HATES having to keep secrets from Ladybug, but he’ll do it for her, and he’ll keep his life as Chat a secret, but Kagami??? He should at least be able to talk about that, right?? He’s not doing anything bad/dangerous/etc

Also there could very well be some angst with Adrien being so so worried about Nathalie because she’s bedridden and his dad is being sketchy and he’s SEEN this before and he doesn’t want to be avoiding Natalie or lying to her because what if he loses her too??? He’d feel so guilty! And he needs the support of a parent figure so much,,, so he HAS to tell her the truth

But he respects Kagami’s wishes and he’s not going to betray her trust

But unlike Lukanette, they DO talk about their feelings and they disagree and stuff, and even if he’s trying not to be confrontational, Kagami is like “i can tell youre uncomfortable about something, please just tell me what it is” so he tells her that he disagrees

Kagami gets akumatized?? idk if it’s even been confirmed that she’s the akuma “Lies” but I’d assume she is because parallels to Lukanette

Maybe it happens as a direct result of some moment where Kagami and Adrien are arguing and in the heat of the moment he says something hurtful??

Maybe they’re arguing and then Adrien has to leave before it can resolve and Kagami is mad about it even though shes trying not to be and she gets akumatized???

Maybe she does say something like “bc your dad sucks and nathalie sucks!” and he yells or something (i want to see Adrien yell and be flawed let me live, and this is one of the most likely scenerios for it to happen bc it would HURT for him)

Maybe Kagami shoots back with anger, maybe Adrien’s been calm but Kagami gets mean for a moment, but regardless, Kagami says something about her true feelings of anger at nathalie/gabe/ etc and before Adrien can respond he’s like “oh shoot sorry I need to get home NOW”

Then for one brief second Kagami’s TERRIFIED that he’s going to tell nathalie about this in his anger and then nathalie’s going to be like “oh kagami is clearly bad for you because she made u this upset” and Adrien will LISTEN because hes stupid and he still listens to his horrible adult figures and Kagami is so mad about the entire situation so then in her moment of weakness she gets akumatized

Look at that its a direct opposite of Lukanette because Luka was afraid of Marinette keeping secrets about why she’s always vanishing because he doesnt know and Kagami is afraid of Adrien telling secrets about why HEs always vanishing bc she thinks she does know,,

But anyway, after she gets de-akumatized, she’s so ashamed of it and she can see how far she took it and how many people it hurt,, and Adrien is really sad and apologetic and trying to support her,, and she’s like “no clearly I was actually wrong, keeping this a secret is hurting you and its hurting me and now its hurting random civilians”

So she tells Adrien that they should tell people about it and stop dating in secret

And then multiple possible ending:

Does he say “actually no, youre right, they wouldnt let this happen, so if we cant date in public and dating in secret is hurting us then we shouldnt date at all” and thats how the breakup goes??? That would literally obliterate me

Does the episode end on a false positive where Adrien hasnt told them yet and he is like “yeah this is gonna be great” and there isnt an actual breakup yet?? Because that would also kill me (even though i doubt theyre going to let adrimi take up that much time in the show but, let me dream)

Also if Adrien is like “we shouldnt tell my parents but we should tell someone” and then they tell Marinette and now shes got ANOTHER secret to keep and aaaaaaaAAAAA?? Id die on the spot

I’m still holding out hope that the episode will give me enough crumbs to at least be able to write this better, but regardless of what happens in the episode,,, the chances of me eventually writing fanfiction exploring this are SO HIGH, I’ve been thinking about this for ages

In conclusion:

—no matter what happens in lies, its going to destroy me

—please let them be in a secret relationship it makes so much sense for their characters and for the drama and aaaaAAAAA

—also please give me the parallels to lukanette where their issues are exactly the opposite and it still falls apart

Thank you for your time, I’ll be excitedly vibrating at the speed of sound for the next two days until we get answers!! Depending on how the episode goes, I’ll either be writing so much adrimi fluff to recover,, so much adrimi angst to vent,, or I’ll be staring at the ceiling screaming for a few days as I post nothing but keysmashes and try to sort through my emotions :)