#i’ve been gone forever bc of life and art fight! but i’m back? and i feel refreshed as hell

[pxme-granate]

🧨masterpost🍀

[nevermindirah]

Do you have any thoughts on the use of AAVE for Nile (or lack thereof) in TOG fanfiction? I've been reading some Book of Nile fic and some writers seem to write her as a Millennial™ (using words like "fave" and "woke") but never acknowledge her Blackness in her patterns of speech. I know we don't see her use as much AAVE in the films, but I would argue she's in situations where code-switching would be valued (first in a "professional" environment in the army, then around a group of non-Black strangers).

Hi anon! I have many thoughts on this and I'm honored you asked me! But I should start by saying I'm white and any thoughts Black fans and especially Black American fans have on this that they want to share would be beyond lovely. (I'm not gonna tag anybody bc that feels rude but please add onto this post if any of y'all see this and want to!)

The main reason I personally avoid AAVE for Nile in my own fics is because I'm not Black. But Nile-centric fics by Black writers tend to avoid using much of it too, at least from what I've noticed/understood, and my guess is it's largely for the reason you mention, that she's in situations that encourage code-switching.

In movie canon Nile is highly competent at tailoring her language to each situation she finds herself in. This fantastic linguistics analysis meta shows how skillfully Nile chooses her vocabulary and grammar to meet her goals with different conversation partners in different contexts. In comics canon Nile had a bunch of different civilian jobs before joining the Marines, so she would've had experience code-switching in the ways that made sense for all those different contexts as well as the Marines and her family and high school and wherever else she spent her time before we met her. And now she's spending her time with a handful of immortals none of whom are native English speakers and a fellow Black American but one with a Queen's English UK accent whose professional experience is in the CIA where high-status code-switching is often an absolute must for success or even survival.

Fics featuring Nile are charged with extrapolating from that to how it might show up in her use of language that she's coping with a traumatic separation from her family and her career and pretty much everything she's ever known and now she needs to be able to make herself understood to people who seem to care about her and each other but are super duper in crisis, three (soon to be four) of whom predate Modern English entirely and the only one who's anywhere near her contemporary she's not supposed to talk to for a century. All of these people are telling her that pretty much any contact with any mortals poses an existential threat to her and the rest of the group. How the FUCK is she supposed to cope with that, like, generally? And would it be a more effective way for her to cope if she talked to Andy Joe and Nicky using the speech patterns that she used to use with her mom and brother, to at least retain that part of her identity even if it means having to do a lot of explaining, or would it meet her needs better to prioritize Andy Joe and Nicky understanding what she means with her words over using the particular words and grammar forms she used with her family?

I've seen several fics, both Nile-centric / BoN and otherwise, explore this a little bit in how/whether Nile uses Millennial™ speak. It's often a theme in Nile texting Booker despite the exile because of the popular headcanon that he as The Tech Guy is the only other immortal who understands memes. But Nile's much-younger-than-Booker mom probably uses Boomer and/or Gen X memes and Andy has been adapting to new communication styles for forever as evidenced by her canon high level of fluency with standard-American-accented English.

Which brings us back to people avoiding AAVE because they're not Black and they don't want to make mistakes (or they're not Black and they don't want to get yelled at for making mistakes, though I think many people overestimate how much they'll get yelled at while underestimating how much these mistakes can hurt). I can imagine some Black fans hold back from using much AAVE in fic because they don't want to share in-group stuff with white people who are likely to then adopt and ruin it, as white people so often do with Black cultural stuff. Some links about this including a great Khadija Mbowe video. I'm saying this gently, anon, because you might not know: woke, an example you cited as Millennial™ speak, is AAVE, and that's gotten erased by so many white people appropriating it and using it incorrectly online.

And also there's the part where fandom is a hobby and you never know when you're reading a fic that's the very first thing someone's ever written outside of a school assignment. This cultural considerations of language shit takes a level of effort and skill that not everybody puts into every fic, or even could if they wanted to because they haven't had time to build their skills yet. It's definitely easier for non-Black fans to project our millennial feels onto Nile than to do the layers of research and self-reflection it requires to depict what Blackness might mean to Nile, and it's not surprising that often people sharing their hobby creations on the internet have gone the easier route. There's not even necessarily shame in doing what's easier. It's just frustrating and often hurtful when structural white supremacy means that 3-dimensional Black characters are rare in media and thoughtful explorations of them in fandom are seen by the majority of fans as not-easy to make and therefore Nile Freeman, the main character in The Old Guard (2020) dir. Gina Prince-Bythewood, has the least fic and meta and art made about her of our 5 main immortals.

I've been active in different fandoms off and on for twenty years and I barely managed to write 5,000 words about Sam Wilson across multiple different fics in the 7 years since I fell in love with him. There's an alchemy to which characters we connect with, and on top of that which characters we connect with in a way that causes us to create stuff about them. Something about Nile Freeman finally tipped me over the edge from a voracious reader to a voracious writer. It's not for me to judge which characters speak to other individuals to the level of creating content about them, but I do think it's important for us to notice, and then work to fight, the pattern where across this fandom as a whole Nile gets way less content, and way less depth in so much of the content that's in theory about her, than any of these other characters.

Anyway, back to language. My two long fics feature Nile with several Black friends — Copley and OCs and cameos from other media — but all of those characters except Alec Hardison from Leverage aren't American. It's very possible I'm guilty of stereotyping Black British speech patterns in I See Your Eyes Seek a Distant Shore. I watched hours and hours of Black haircare YouTube videos in the research for that fic and I modeled my OCs' speech patterns on what I heard from some of those YouTubers as well as what I've heard people like John Boyega and Idris Elba saying in interviews, but the thing about doing your best is you still might fuck up.

I'm slowly making progress on my WIP where Nile and Sam Wilson are cousins, and what ways of talking with a family member might be authentic for Nile is a major question I need to figure out. For that, I'm largely modeling my writing choices on how I hear my Black friends and colleagues talking to each other. I haven't overheard colleagues talking in an office in a long-ass time, but back when that was a thing, I remember seeing a ton of nuance in the different ways many of my Black colleagues would talk to each other. Different people have different personalities! And backgrounds! And priorities! A few jobs ago my department was about 1/3 Black and we worked closely with Obama administration staff many of whom were Black and there was SO MUCH VARIETY in how Black people talked to each other, about work and workplace-appropriate personal stuff, where I and other white coworkers could hear. There are a few work friends in particular who I have in my head when I'm trying to imagine how Sam and Nile might talk to each other. From the outside looking in, God DAMN is shit complicated, intellectually and interpersonally and spiritually, for Black people who are devoting their professional lives to public service in the United States.

One more aspect of this that I have big thoughts on but I need to take extra care in talking about is the idea of acknowledging Nile's Blackness in her patterns of speech. There's no one right way to be Black, and Nile's a fictional character created by a white dude but there are plenty of real-life Black Americans who don't use much or even any AAVE, for reasons that are complicated because of white supremacy. (Highly highly recommend this video by Shanspeare on the harms of the Oreo stereotype.)

Something that's not the same but has enough similarity that I think it's worth talking about is my personal experience with authenticity and American Jewish speech patterns. My Jewish family members don't talk like they're in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and I've known lots of people who do talk that way (or the millennial version of it), some of whom have questioned my Jewishness because I don't talk that way. That hurts me. Sometimes when another Jew tells me some shit like "I've never heard a Jew say y'all'd've," I can respond with "well now you have asshole, bless your Yankee-ass heart," because the myth of Dixie is a racist lie but I will totally call white Northerners Yankees when they're being shitty to me for being Southern, and this particular Jew fucking revels in using "bless your heart" with maximum polite aggression, especially with said Yankees. But sometimes I don't have it in me to say anything and it just quietly hurts having an important part of me disbelieved by someone who shares that important part of me. The sting isn't quite the same when non-Jews disbelieve or discount my Jewishness, but that hurts too.

Who counts as authentically Jewish is a messy in-group conversation and it doesn't really make sense to explain it all here. Who counts as authentically Jewish is a matter of legal status for immigration, citizenship, and civil rights in Israel, and it's my number 2 reason after horrific treatment of Palestinians that I'm antizionist. But outside that extremely high-stakes legal situation, it can just feel really shitty to not be recognized as One Of Us, especially by your own people.

It can also feel really shitty to be The Only One of Your Kind in a group, even if that group is an immortal chosen family who all loves each other dearly. Sometimes especially in a situation like that where you know those people love you but there are certain things they don't get about you and will never quite be able to. I'm definitely projecting at least a little bit of my "lonely Jew who will be alone again for yet another Jewish holiday" stuff onto Nile when at the end of I See Your Eyes Seek a Distant Shore she's thinking about being the only Black immortal and moving away from the community she'd built with a mostly-Black group of mortals in that fic. Maybe that tracks, or maybe that's fucked up of me.

Basically, this got very long but it's complicated, writing about experiences that aren't your own takes skill which in turn takes time and practice to build, writing about experiences not your own that our society maligns can cause a lot of harm if done badly, it can also cause a lot of harm when a large enough portion of a fandom just decides to nope out of something that's difficult and risky because then there's just not much content about a character who deserves just a shit ton of loving and nuanced content, people are individuals and two people who come from the exact same cultural context might show that influence in all kinds of different ways, identity is complicated, language is complicated, writing is hard, and empathy and humility and doing our best aren't a guarantee of avoiding harm but they do go a long way in helping people create thoughtful content about a character as awesome and powerful and kind and messy and scared and curious and WORTHY as Nile Freeman.

[crazycookiemaniac]

Omg why are you losing so many followers youve been drawing gay shit for forever??? (Or maybe i as a gay was just interpreting it that way)

Because I literally spammed people every day for one week lmao. And also, a lot of people follow others for specific content. The moment I stop drawing that exact thing they followed me for, they unfollow me. There are also accounts that follow just to make you follow them & if you don’t, they unfollow you after a while. There’s people who followed me for haikyuu & weren’t interested in BC content, and there were people who followed me for BC content but got showered in gay art instead and that was not their cuppa tea. 

But mostly, i start appearing on people’s feed the more I post. So having me post incessantly for one week made me show up on feeds that I hadn’t shown up for  a good while, so there were probably people who forgot they had followed me in the first place & me posting was a reminder to unfollow.

Truthfully, follower counts are dumb. Yes, it is important for you to have a high follower count for you to get attention, but the amount of people actually following you if you don’t have a consistent art style & rarely ever post something with different vibes than your usual ones, is equal or less than 1% of your total amount of following.

My instagram tells me I have 43k. I do not have 43k people following me. I’ve had 43k that once saw my account & pressed the follow button, but their feeds are filled up with other people’s accs that interest them more than mine (as well as my own feed does not show all the content of the 200+ something people I follow, unless I scroll down till the depths of hell to find every single post on that day and then do so on the next day as well).

Essentially, 95% of your followers are there because of content. They want to see what entertains them. Most of them don’t care about the artist and don’t interact with them at all. Many of them are scared to, given the high follower count. Social media & big accounts make people forget that there are other, real, living & breathing people that are behind them all.

So, to many, I was just a random artist they found and “lol”ed at one of my comics & pressed follow without thinking about it. Most of them don’t go to my account and see all other art I’ve posted to see if they actually like what I do, or me as a person and as an artist at all.

People who don’t know this get really discouraged when they don’t earn a lot of followers, or when they lose a lot (like I did). And some people think you gotta have hundreds of thousands to be famous. I’ve seen accs going around that paid for ads, that had over 150k followers and less than 1k likes on their posts.

Truly famous, loved, growing and/or steady accounts have an amount of likes per post proportional to their follower count. For example, if someone has 150k followers, most of their posts will vary from 20k to 100k likes.

When I was growing my account because I hopped in the fandom bandwagon and stupid little me didn’t know that would only make me crash later, I had like 20~30k and some of my posts reached more than 20k likes (because people liked my stupid comics). Nowadays, I’m not part of the fandom that made me grow anymore. I’m part of a very underrated one (Black Clover), as well a I am drawing a very underrated ship (LuGna) that above all else is getting hated on. I have everything against me in this, so it’s no wonder I lost so many followers.

They didn’t wanna see gay art. They didn’t wanna see Black Clover. They didn’t even know what the fuck was going on. Not everyone paid attention or kept up with my warnings. Despite me explaining multiple times in multiple posts what the Thunder Flames project was about, a lot of people still didn’t know what I was doing that for.

The thing about being a big follower count is that, unless you’re actually loved for what you do (and to do that, once again, I need to emphasize that you need to keep a steady rhythm, a steady vibe, a steady you. Because people follow you for your first impression on them, and you gotta keep up to that first impression if you wanna keep your followers.

I’m unsteady. One look at my gallery and you’ll see how disorganized everything is. Oh, lookit, a 1 min speedpaint of a random drawing I did on an old piece of paper! And right on the left there’s a stupid random comic I did–on the right there’s this super detailed, shaded drawing I’ve done that actually looks terrible to me and I will 100% archive it later, and then there’s B&W mixed with gray shaded, flat colored and fully shaded characters of different fandoms + OCs from commissions and whatever else. 

The thing is, I made my follower count based on a fandom, and now that I’m not there most of that follower count does not have me on their feed. And most of them do not want me on their feed. Now, I’m trying to build a follower count for who I am as an artist, because the few people who have actually stayed and followed me throughout the years know how inconsistent I am in terms of art style, fandoms and everything else.

A solution to this would me either keep creating/posting the same thing all over again (just in different patterns), or creating original content (which I do plan on doing at some point). But for now? Since my follower count does absolutely not reflect on how many people actually like me and/or my art, I’m going to be as chaotic as fucking ever and do whatever the fuck I want.

So yes, I do find it comical that I lost 1k followers over this and am not fazed in the very least, especially because I literally foreshadowed losing 1k and hit the fucking jackpot.

The only reason I’m talking about this at all is because 1- it’s impossible not to notice my follower count decreasing, especially because every new 1k I thank people publicly through stories; 2- some people were actually worried I was upset over it and I have to 3- show that I am not, while simultaneously trying to show people that just because you’re losing followers doesn’t mean you have to stop doing what you want to create content to please people. It doesn’t mean you should be upset, and it doesn’t mean that what you’re doing is bad or wrong.

It means you’re fucking renewing your followers & you’ll now grow for what you’re trying to grow for, bitch. That’s what it’s all about.

Obviously, people do take a great risk doing this. I am taking a great risk doing this. I could’ve lost 5k, I could’ve lost 10k. But I only lost 1k! And that’s because I believe in the project I worked on; I knew there were people out there who enjoyed what I was doing and it’s on them that I was focused on. On the people who supported me AND my art, not just that one single funny comic post I did 3 years ago.

This answer is 100% a lot longer than what you could’ve possibly expected for and I am typing this while being awake for more than 24h so I’m sure that I’ve repeated myself a lot and that there are a lotta typos or w/e and I apologize for that!! But I’m too lazy to go back to read everything over & turn this into a neat post & I’m pretty sure I could answer your question in the first paragraph.

Oh and also. Yes. Yes I have been drawing gay shit ever since I’ve become an artist because I’m so fucking pissed at the lack of canon gay content in a way that it’s depicted as a normal fucking romantic couple instead of having eeeeeeeeveryone point their finger to the gay couple and scream “HEY THAT’S GAY!!! THIS CAN’T BE PART OF THIS VERY HETEROSEXUAL SHOW WHERE EVERYONE IS OBVIOUSLY HETEROSEXUAL EVEN THOUGH NONE OF THE CHARACTERS HAVE EVER SAID THAT EXPLICITLY BECAUSE WE KNOW THAT THE CREATORS ARE EITHER HETEROSEXUAL OR TOO AFRAID TO LOSE AUDIENCE IF THEY TREAT GAY PEOPLE AS NORMAL PEOPLE!??!! WHAT SORT OF ABSURD NONSENSE IS THAT??!! GAY PEOPLE AREN’T NORMAL!! THEY’RE GAY AND THEY SHOULD HAVE A GAY SHOW JUST FOR THEM IF THEY WANNA GET SCREENTIME” and yadda yadda yadda.

I’m tired of this bullshit. Ever since I was an artist I’ve been rooting for gay ships in shonen manga while knowing they would never happen just because they were gay, and now that we are in our Blessed-By-Satan, Pandemic-Chaotic, What-The-Fuck-Is-Going-On, We-Don’t-Know-If-We-Wanna-Go-Back-Or-To-The-Future-Or-Just-IDK-Fucking-Die year 2020, in which the LGBT community is thriving and being louder than ever to fight for our rights, Me, in my twenty four years of fucking age, having gone through several fucking disappointments ONLY regarding this matter, am sitting here on my ass, hopeful as all galactic, glittery shit that for some fucking reason, my new OTP formed by very underrated characters from this very underrated franchise in the southern and western communities, becomes canon because my stupid eyes can see chemistry between them even though those stupid haters’ can’t. But that’s because they’re stupid and homophobic, and they really should just shut the fuck up. I don’t wanna dream, I want to believe. Let a bitch pray in peace.

But even if I’m getting ready for disappointment, I’m gonna make this project happen and I’m gonna have a shit ton of artbooks from this Thunder Flames project inside my fucking garage if no one wants to buy them. But I am going to invest a shit ton of money in it and I am going to have these artbooks come to life. Because I am spiteful and petty and homophobes should shut the fuck up, and I wanna do what I wanna do bc as an independent artist, I’m building my future with my own two, very toned and buff by now from all the drawing I did, hands. 

God fucking damn it.

Jesus christ I’m just rambling at this point, I’m so sorry. If anyone ever reads this out of context people are going to be so confused.

But that’s fine. They won’t. You know why? Cuz I got almost 11k followers here on tumblr but less than 0.5% gives a shit that I’m here, so I’m safe.

Have a nice day, drink your water and fuck homophobes. Peace

[artificialqueens]

2003 (1/2) (Vanique) - Ortega

a/n: VANIQUE MUST RIIIIIIISE!!!! ayo team, welcome to this. i pulled this ship from virtually nowhere when i was writing n19f and people seemed to like i as much as i did, so i wrote these two together for the fic challenge. i’ve split this fic into two halves, as they’re two very different vibes. this part follows Vanessa and Monique as they go through primary school and then start their first couple years at high school, so it’s definitely more platonic than anything else but it’s cute! also overall this was inspired by two songs, one being 2003 by Todrick and the other being I Choose You by Kiana Ledé which will be the title of the next part, so look out for that. i so so sosososo hope u enjoy, bc i highkey love this pairing a lot. lots of lo-ove, by-ee!

tw: implied child neglect and drug use

summary: Vanessa Mateo and Monique Heart start school in the year 2003. They love girlbands, superheroes and football, and they’re best friends forever. At least, that’s the plan.

***

The room smells of squeaky floors and play-dough. It’s not like anything she’s ever smelt before, but it’s weirdly comforting. She’s sat on a carpet patterned with all kinds of fruit. It doesn’t have pineapple (which is her favourite), but that’s okay. The walls are covered in colourful paper, an arts-and-crafts rainbow explosion. There’s words too, different curly and spiky shapes making letters. She knows one has a “V” in it because that comes at the start of her name and it looks the same, but she can’t read any of the writing yet. Some of the kids in nursery could already read and one of the boys could even write stories. Vanessa couldn’t. She still can’t, but that’s okay. She can write her name and say please and thank you in two different languages and she knows how to count up to 12 (she gets stuck after that, but she’ll learn the rest).

She looks around the carpet. There’s a girl nearby her with two huge black plaits and huge brown eyes to match. Her skin is dark, and Vanessa feels comforted by the fact she’s not alone in sticking out like a sore thumb amongst the Snow Whites and Cinderellas and Auroras and their matching porcelain-skinned Disney princes that are sitting on the carpet with her. She scratches her head, feeling the bow her Mama tied in dark her hair shift. She hopes she’s not made a mess of it. Then Mama would be mad.

Her teacher’s been talking for a while now. It seems like she’s been talking for two hours. Maybe she has been talking for two hours. Vanessa looks up at the clock, even though she doesn’t know how to tell the time yet so the information is less than useless to her. Bored, her eyes drift towards the girl she was looking at before. She’s wearing a white polo shirt and a red pinafore, and her white socks have got red bows on them. Vanessa is jealous. Her new jumper with the school logo is scratchy on the inside and she told her Mama that her leggings have a hole at the knee but they can’t get any new ones until she gets paid.

She bum-shuffles across to sit beside the girl, keeps her eyes trained on the teacher like a sniper as she leans in and whispers. “You look like a princess.”

The girl gives her a big smile. Vanessa knows she should say thank you, but maybe she doesn’t know as much about manners as Vanessa does. The girl whispers to her. “You look like Meg from Hercules.”

Vanessa smiles at her. She’s seen Hercules- it’s not her favourite, but she’s seen it- and Meg was her favourite character. “Thanks.”

“It’s okay,” she whispers. There’s a pause before she hisses to her again. “My name’s Monique, what’s yours?”

“I’m Vanessa,” she replies quietly. Vanessa picks at the hole in her leggings. It’s now about the size of a 1p coin. She knows about coins, at least. “Hey, you wanna play princesses at playtime?”

Monique nods excitedly, then whips her head around, scared. Vanessa looks up at her teacher. Her eyebrows are almost joined-up and there’s little lines on her forehead and her eyes have gone all hard. Vanessa knows this means she’s feeling cross.

“Vanessa, Monique! It’s rude to talk while someone else is talking. We don’t do that in school.”

Vanessa knows she should nod, but her stomach feels all fizzy and she finds herself frowning at her teacher instead. Monique says sorry. Maybe Vanessa should say sorry too. She decides she doesn’t want to.

“She’s been talking for about 5 hours. Maybe even 4 years,” Vanessa whispers to Monique again. Monique covers her mouth with her hands and lets out a tiny giggle. Their teacher gives them a suspicious look again and Monique shuffles away from Vanessa. Vanessa knows this means she doesn’t want to get into trouble. As soon as the teacher starts talking again, Vanessa hisses over to her.

“Monique!”

No answer. “Monique!”

Monique turns around a little bit to face her. “What?”

Vanessa cups her mouth with her hands so the girl can hear her. “Do you want to be best friends?”

Monique gives her another big smile. It makes Vanessa feel happy too. “Okay!”

She’s only been here for five hours, maybe even four years, and she’s already made a best friend. This school thing is easy.

***

It’s the two of them for life. Vanessa just knows it. They’re BFFAEAE (best friends forever and ever and ever). They get in trouble for chatting at school and their long-suffering teacher monitors them like a hawk. They’re banned from sitting near each other on the carpet because even when Vanessa tries to listen (even if it’s P.E., her favourite), she’ll think of something funny she just has to share with Monique, and of course Monique is incapable of laughing quietly so she lets out a screech that completely disrupts the whole lesson and earns them both five minutes off their reward time. Vanessa doesn’t even mind losing reward time. They sit at the same table while everyone else plays and they write out the class rules, but Vanessa doesn’t mind because it’s the only time they’ll ever be allowed to sit together in class.

In the playground and after school it’s a different story. In Reception they play princesses and animal rescue with their threadbare, well-loved stuffed animals they sneak into school in their schoolbags. By Year 1 they’re popstars learning dance routines and designing album covers and falling out because Monique wants to call their double-act The Strawberry Babies and Vanessa knows that obviously The Starlights is a far superior name. In the Summer between Year 1 and Year 2 Vanessa’s Mama takes them to the cinema to see Fantastic Four and so for the whole of Year 2 they’re obsessed with superheroes, rolling around on the tarmac play-fighting with each other and getting bruised knees and scraped elbows and so far removed from the girly girls they were when they started school.

Vanessa knows everything about Monique and Monique knows everything about her, because that’s what it means to be best friends. Vanessa knows that Monique’s brother is eleven and goes to Big School and doesn’t play with her and slams his door and plays rap music that Monique can hear when she’s in her room with the door closed. Monique stays in the high flats with her brother and her gran.

“Do you have a Mama?” Vanessa remembers asking her one day in the playground, drawing in the dirt with sticks.

Monique’s voice had been quiet. She hadn’t looked up from drawing in the dirt. “Uh-huh.”    

“Where is she?”

Monique had shrugged, scribbled out the happy face she’d drawn. “Gran says she’s not allowed to see us any more.”

Vanessa could tell talking about her Mama had made Monique sad, so they don’t talk about that any more. Dads are off the table too. Vanessa doesn’t know hers and Monique doesn’t either. Vanessa doesn’t really need a Dad. Her Mama works in the supermarket and keeps their tiny pebbledashed council house in the estate spotlessly clean and is always on time to pick Vanessa up from school. She drags Vanessa kicking and screaming to mass every Sunday (Vanessa doesn’t like it because all the chanting scares her) and threatens her with El Coco until she’s blue in the face. Monique goes to church too but hers sounds more fun- they laugh and clap and sing their hearts out. Monique sings the songs in school. Vanessa thinks she sounds like she could be in the Sugababes, not that she’s allowed to listen to the Sugababes.

Monique comes round to Vanessa’s house every few weeks or so. She lives close, and Monique is allowed to walk round on her own. Vanessa is jealous of that. She wishes her Mama would let her go places on her own. She tells her that one day and Mama howls with laughter, says she’s not allowed out on her own until she’s at least twenty-one. Vanessa thinks she’s joking. Thinks.

Vanessa gets excited when Monique visits because she knows her Mama will make an effort with the dinner. That’s unfair and disrespectful, she knows; Mama works hard to put food on the table, but her stuffed arepas are just better than rice and beans (and microwave meals if it’s near her pay day, which her Mama makes Vanessa promise she’ll never tell her Abuela they eat). They sit and eat with their bowls on their laps on the sofa in front of the TV and watch The Weakest Link. They sometimes get the questions right even though they’re only 7 and the people on the show are fully-grown adults. Monique is smart, though. Smarter than Vanessa. Vanessa thinks she’s smarter than their teacher. She’s the best at writing in the class and the best at maths too, and she can read any word at all.

Vanessa’s not that smart, but she knows Monique is, and she thinks she’s amazing.

It’s a grey-clouded day in July in the Summer of 2007 when Monique pulls up outside Vanessa’s house on a brand new bike. It’s blue and the seat is close to the ground and the spokes are all shiny. Vanessa runs out to see her, sticks her feet in between the bars of the rusty iron gate at the front of their house and swings back and forth as Monique talks.

“My brother got me it. Someone from the skatepark didn’t want it any more and it’s too small for him, so I guess it’s mine now,” Monique shrugs happily. There’s a smudge of dirt on her face that Vanessa knows her Mama will wipe off with a hot cloth if she sees it. “It’s kinda big for me but it works okay. You got a bike, right?”

Vanessa cringes, thinks about the pink bike with streamers at the handles that lives in their back garden and is probably crumbling away with rust. “I got one, but it ain’t as cool as yours.”

Monique smiles, satisfied with the compliment. “Well, go get it an’ we can go for a ride.”

Vanessa blushes and thinks of how many cool points she’s going to lose when she tells Monique that she has to ask her Mama first. Monique laughs at her good-humouredly, sticks her tongue out at her and calls her a baby. Monique turned 9 two months ago and Vanessa has to wait four more to catch up with her, so the comment stings but she pretends it doesn’t.

To her surprise and delight, her Mama lets her go out on her bike with Monique but only if they just go round the estate and they’re back before dinner time. Vanessa has never been able to follow the rules, though, so when Monique tells her she knows a place by the river under the bridge with a scrub of sand like it’s the seaside then Vanessa doesn’t hesitate to follow her. Vanessa wonders how Monique seems to know the city so well: she takes her on a journey through dark underpasses with yellow strip lights and bright scrawls of graffiti, narrow bridges above busy roads that Vanessa tries to pretend don’t scare her, secret little paths through the big park Vanessa goes to with her Mama sometimes. They pedal wildly and everything zooms by so quickly that even though she has no idea where she is, Vanessa feels safe. Any vaguely scary things they see (big dogs) are gone a second later, and Vanessa knows Monique would protect her if anything scary did happen. She would protect her too. That’s just what best friends do.

They arrive at the place Monique had been talking about. The brown stone bridge hangs high above them but Vanessa can still hear the cars on it pass by. They’re drowned out slightly by the babbling of the river, inky and cold and black with jaggy rocks underneath its surface. There’s huge clusters of boulders that they both have to climb over to get to the sand and they have to leave their bikes leaning against the wall on the path. It’s not a pretty place, but it’s still a little bit magical. It has the aura of adventure rather than beauty and they’d be more likely to discover pirates here than fairies, which is just how Vanessa likes it. Together they chuck stones into the water haphazardly, their hands growing more grubby by the minute and the dirt black under their nails.

“What’s that?” Vanessa narrows her eyes, reaches down to pick up the object she’s spotted. It’s embedded in the sand and she can’t really see what it is, but it looks like what she got her injections with at the doctor’s. Monique races over to see what she’s talking about and pushes her hand away quickly. Vanessa snaps. “Hey!”

“You’re not s'posed to touch that, it’s dangerous!” Monique cries, outraged. “What if you got stabbed?”

Vanessa snorts a laugh. “It’s ain’t a knife, M'nique, it’s only a stupid needle."

Then, almost as if Monique’s warning had been a dare, Vanessa picks it out the sand with her thumb and index finger, holds it by the plastic tube. Monique’s face falls. "Stop it, ‘Ness, that’s creepy.”

Vanessa laughs, starts making the needle float about while making spooky noises. Monique takes a step back, her face all panicked. Vanessa gives a giggle. Monique’s acting like a scaredy-cat; she does that sometimes and it’s funny to wind her up. She usually takes it well but she’s growing more distressed than she usually does. Her eyes are all wide and Vanessa stops playing the moment she sees tears start welling up in them. She immediately drops the needle into the river and crosses over to her, her trainers leaving huge Nike ticks in the sand.

“Hey, what’s the matter? I’m sorry,” she mumbles. She regrets joking around now, and Monique is wiping at her eyes and sniffing and smearing dirt across her face.

“They used to be all ‘round my house before we lived with Gran,” she sniffs. Vanessa gets a churning feeling in her tummy. She doesn’t really know what that means, but it makes her feel frightened just hearing about it. She can’t imagine how frightened Monique felt seeing them for real. Slipping the sleeves of her hoodie down over her hands, she gives Monique a hug, pats her back in the hope it’s comforting.

“I threw it in the river. Don’t worry. You don’t need to see it ever again,” Vanessa says. She’s not Monique, she doesn’t know what it’s like to have a sibling, but Monique is the closest thing to a sister she has and she wants to keep her safe. Monique is smiling at her when she steps out of the hug, and Vanessa feels relieved.

“An’ if it does come back we’ll just stab it before it can stab us first!” Monique jokes. It’s a silly joke but Vanessa still bursts out laughing.

“We’ll stab it with a stick!” she joins in, and soon the two girls are laughing and anything vaguely threatening has been forgotten about.

They end up cycling a lot that Summer, Monique showing Vanessa all sorts of hidden places all round the city. Vanessa never feels freer than when she’s racing around on dirt paths behind her best friend, and worries are a distant memory. Vanessa’s life is good and she has a lot of things to be thankful for but she knows she looks different and doesn’t fit in, she knows there’s a lot of things that the other kids have that she doesn’t, she knows that there are times when her Mama sits up at night time with her bills spilling out across the kitchen table and a calculator in her hand. Monique is a bright smile and a sense of adventure and she makes Vanessa feel happy.

They don’t go out on their bikes as much when they go back to school after the holidays. Year 4 flies by almost as quick as they used to cycle, as does Year 5. They don’t pretend as much in the playground anymore, preferring to run riot on the astroturf with the boys in their class and play football and get bruises on their shins from being tackled to within an inch of their life. Not much changes by Year 6; their last year of primary school when they should be responsible and conscientious and yet they’re still getting in trouble for giggling in class and playing pranks on the other kids and whispering swear words in Spanish (that one is Vanessa’s fault).

They’ve only got a month left of primary school and Vanessa’s allowed to walk home with Monique now as long as she keeps her phone on loud and texts her Mama to tell her if they’re stopping by the park or the snack van. Today is one of those days. They’re sat underneath the huge cherry blossom tree at the park; Vanessa wants to climb it but Monique’s saying that’s too babyish. They’re too old for that now, so they’re bluetoothing each other Tinchy Stryder and N-Dubz songs and blaring them at full volume out of their tinny phone speakers instead. Vanessa’s about to show Monique a parody somebody’s made of You’re Beautiful by James Blunt when Monique breaks the not-quite-silence.

“You gotta crush on anyone?”

Vanessa wrinkles her face up, snorts a laugh. “Ew! Nah. All the boys in our class are gross. I ain’t ever had a crush on any of ‘em.”

Monique gives a quiet laugh. “Me neither. They all use that Lynx Africa like it’s gonna cover up their B.O.”

Vanessa lets out a howl of laughter. She wasn’t lying to Monique; she doesn’t have a crush on anyone. If she thinks about it, she’s never really had a crush on any of the boys in her class. It’s just not something she thinks about. She cares more about her best friend than she’d ever care about any boy.

Their laughter dies down, and Vanessa gets a knot in her stomach. It happens every so often when she thinks about high school. Their class went up to see the school last week and it felt like such a terrifying maze of identical-looking corridors and crowds of kids so old they looked to be mini adults. Their teacher had told them to write down three friends they wanted to be in the same form class as, even though she said she couldn’t guarantee they’d get to stay together. Vanessa had written only one name on her form- Monique Heart - in her curly, barely-legible handwriting, the “i”s dotted with hearts. It’s been on her mind ever since, though. They’ve been together since Reception, Monique is all Vanessa knows. She wouldn’t begin to know how to make any other friends. She doesn’t want any other friends.

“M’nique,” Vanessa says, and the other girl looks up. “What happens if we ain’t in the same form class next year?”

Monique gives a small, humoured laugh. “Well then we ain’t in the same form class.”

Vanessa rolls her eyes and shoves her. “Duh, idiot! I mean like…with us. We still gon’ be best friends?”

Monique laughs dismissively, shakes her head at her. “Now who’s being the idiot?”

“I’m serious!” Vanessa objects, annoyed that Monique’s still got her eyebrows raised at her like she’s a little kid. She’s going to be 12 in October; it’s not like she’s a baby. “What if you find other cool girls to hang out with? What if you get a new best friend? What am I gonna do?”

“You’re gonna do nothing, cuz that ain’t gonna happen,” Monique insists. Her face lights up as she gets an idea, jabs a finger against the tree trunk. “Okay. If I carve our initials into this tree, it’ll be like a promise. That we’re always gonna be best friends. I don’t want to hang out with cool girls. It’s fun just me an’ you.”

Vanessa smiles, her heart feeling all warm at the reassurance. Monique rummages around in her bag and produces her keys, starts stabbing at the bark of the tree relentlessly. Vanessa flinches a little, part of the reaction a residual memory from watching Pocahontas too much when she was really little; she used to believe that trees could feel things like humans. She shares the memory with Monique who doesn’t laugh at her, even though she probably has every right to.

“Well humans feel things an’ they get tattoos. So this is like a tattoo for a tree,” she shrugs. She’s chipped a big capital M in the bumpy bark so far and is starting on an H.

“Hey, you think we should get matching tattoos when we’re grown ups?” Vanessa suggests, the idea exciting her. Monique frowns as she drags her key over the wood.

“Don’t they use needles for that?”

Vanessa regrets the idea as soon as Monique says it; she’d forgotten about her friend’s fear. She decides to commit to the idea. “They do, but they’re all clean an’ safe. An’ you wouldn’t have to be scared cuz I’d go with you.”

Monique nods as she starts on Vanessa’s name. “I never feel scared when I’m with you. Except when Mrs Del Rio yells at us.”

“She’s a big baby. She just hates us cuz we would be better teachers than her,” Vanessa shrugs. It’s true.

“Well, what tattoo are we gonna get? We need to decide now so we can start saving up for it,” Monique questions her. Vanessa scoffs.

“How much do you think a tattoo costs? It’s like ten pounds, God!"

It’s Monique’s turn to laugh. "Nah, it’s way more than that! My brother’s got one and his cost a hundred and fifty.”

Vanessa lets out an outraged screech. “That’s a damn lie! You’re gonna go to the bad fire if you keep tellin’ lies like that.”

“An’ you’re gonna go to the bad fire cuz you just cussed.”

“Well, see you down there,” Vanessa shrugs. She considers Monique’s question. “What about we get BFFs in cool writing?”

Monique nods enthusiastically. “Yeah! With a heart maybe.”

“Yeah!” Vanessa agrees, excited about the prospect of their matching tattoos. She Googles “when can i get a tatoo” (spelling’s never been her strong suit) and lets out a groan at what she reads. “Ugh. We have to wait seven whole years.”

“You have to wait seven years, I only have to wait six!” Monique boasts, Vanessa sighing. She hates being one of the youngest in the class. She doesn’t have time to feel down for long though, as Monique shows her her handiwork with a flourish; MH + VM, scratched into the tree forever. “There! Best friends forever.”

Vanessa feels as if her smile is going to break her face. It feels like her body is made of the sun’s rays. When Monique says that, high school doesn’t seem so scary any more.

“Where we gonna get these tattoos anyway?” Monique speaks again. Vanessa’s smile turns wicked and she can barely get her thoughts out without laughing.

“Imagine we get them on our butt!”

Vanessa thinks Monique’s Gran might be able to her them screeching with laughter from the top floor of her tower block.

***

Things change though, despite the promise they make. Monique doesn’t think either of them mean to break it but life gets in the way and God has other plans. It’s what she believes at least.

Though she doesn’t know what his plan was for separating her from her best friend. Monique cries for forty-five solid minutes when she receives the letter telling her what form class she’s in; she knows it’s different to Vanessa’s. Her Gran holds her tight and rocks her against her chest on the sofa while her brother yells at her to shut up and slams his bedroom door. Her Gran is full of comforting words: you’re a strong girl, and you’ve been through worse in your life than this, and this isn’t going to change a single thing, hush now. But it is going to change things. When she’s with Vanessa, Monique feels like she can take on the world. She brings out her confident side when she feels shy, matches every shriek with a screech, takes her mind off the fact that she lives in a shoebox fourteen storeys high in the air where the elevator doesn’t work and the stairwell smells like piss. She can’t imagine starting high school without her. She doesn’t want to imagine it.

Monique batters out of the flat despite her Gran shouting after her, dashes down the stairs like her life depends on it. Her heart feels ready to give out when she reaches the lobby and bursts out into the open air but she still unchains her bike from the rack outside, pedals madly to Vanessa’s house. The bike is too small for her now and it’s uncomfortable to ride but it’s all she has to get her to the person that matters most. She reaches the house and Vanessa’s Mama lets her in, and Monique takes the stairs up to Vanessa’s bedroom two at a time where they hold each other tight and bundle up in Vanessa’s duvet and sob and sob and sob.

But looking back, Monique knows she’d been a little dramatic that day. Not being in the same form class as Vanessa really is not the end of the world. They walk there together on their first day and give each other a tight, nervous hug before they each head to their own form rooms. Monique pushes down on the doorhandle and anxiety fills her body as she walks in, freezes at the doorframe. There’s about twenty other kids already in the room and the whole scene is a bit chaotic. There are two boys chucking a ball to each other across the classroom, some girls with hair in high ponytails screeching and playing Katy Perry out of their phone speakers. Even though Monique has sat through countless interviews with social workers, child psychologists and police officers, this is one of the scariest experiences of her life.

“Hey. You wanna sit with us?”

Monique’s eyes fall on a table of girls with skin just like hers and hair to match. Monique instantly feels 80% more reassured; she’s never seen a classroom with a colour palette like this in her life. She and Vanessa had been the only two girls in their year at primary whose skin colour had deviated from the sea of pink or almost-translucent. There’s one girl who fits that mold at the table with the others, and Monique thinks it’s funny that she’s got pale skin, blonde hair and blue eyes and still happens to be the odd one out.

The girls take her under their wing that first day, and the next, and the next. They’ve all gone to a different primary school from Monique and so are already closer than close, but they never make her feel like an outsider. Asia with the sleek, black hair that tumbles down her back has a sweet smile and explains all the in-jokes that Monique doesn’t understand. Antonia, the girl who invited Monique to sit with them, has an intimidating face and a skinny frame but a kind heart and always shares her snack and pens with her. Roberta- Bob- has a huge untameable afro and personality to match, and her cousin Monét isn’t dissimilar apart from the fact that her hair is wavy and caramel instead of jet black and curly. They bicker with each other and gossip about their teachers and make Monique laugh when she’s down. And Brianna is kind and caring and is always able to put a smile on Monique’s face.

Before long, it seems like Monique has made five new friends without even having to try. She wishes she could say she’s friends with Vanessa like she always used to be, but that would be lying.

Because Vanessa’s made friends too. They’re the girls Monique’s Gran always warned her about- friends with the devil and they’ll lead you on a path straight to him. Akeria and Silky make a reputation for themselves at high school within a week of the year beginning. They mess about in class, text during lessons, Silky starts fights with other girls in the corridors that her victims never have the balls to finish. Akeria flirts with the boys and the rumours say she’s had her first kiss already. They backchat teachers and keep cans of spray paint in their bags and walk along the train tracks to the depot after school to spray their wobbly initials on the side of freight trains.

But despite the fact they don’t hang out as much in person any more, that doesn’t diminish the light that Monique keeps burning in her heart for Vanessa. They bump into each other in corridors and chat excitedly in the five minutes they have between lessons, smile and wave at each other from across the lunch hall, and they still text each other and walk there and back from school together. Well, until just after the start of Year 8. Vanessa starts getting a lift from Akeria’s Mum in the mornings and hanging out at the shopping centre with her and Silky after school. It’s not her fault, and Monique supposes she’s no better- Monét lives on Monique’s route to school so the two of them start walking together instead, and after school the girls often go to the chicken shop in town and shovel down wings to make up for the disgusting school lunches.

By her second year of high school it’s almost like Monique has a new best friend.

But she doesn’t want to think like that, so she’s overjoyed when it gets to the start of Summer, just before the last term of their second year ends, and Vanessa’s texts change from general small-talk chit-chat to an invitation to have a sleepover at her house at the weekend. Monique feels embarrassing levels of excitement as she texts back confirming she’ll be there.

M: Are your other friends gonna be there??

V: nah just me n u

And it is just her and Vanessa. It’s a gorgeously sunny day and Vanessa’s Mama puts up a tent in the garden that they can camp out in. It’s nice to be back with her, talking and giggling and laughing about stupid stuff. Vanessa laughs uproariously as she tells Monique about Silky and Akeria’s latest exploits and Monique listens nervously, anxious just hearing about them.

“Do you join in when they do stuff like that?” Monique asks her, after a story about how Silky signed her name in the same Sharpie she does her eyebrows with on a toilet cubicle door and got detention. Vanessa shakes her head, smiles bashfully.

“Nah. I tell ‘em it’s good to keep someone onside in case we get into trouble. The teachers’ll let us away with more if they like one of us. 'Least that’s my excuse,” she explains. Monique smiles, reassured.

“I didn’t think you were like them,” she says, relieved. She thinks Vanessa narrows her eyes at her, but she blinks and her expression has changed. Vanessa’s started wearing makeup and it suits her, even though her foundation is maybe a little off-colour. The mascara she’s swept onto her lashes opens up her eyes a little more and lets Monique see the twinkle that seems to be permanently shining in them.

She is so pretty, and Monique wishes she could look like her.

They talk as if nothing has changed over dinner, various barbecued meats grilled on a disposable barbecue Vanessa’s Mama got from her work. Monique has never had a barbecue before and she decides that burgers charred to within an inch of their lives are the best thing she’s ever eaten. They make smores from chocolate digestives and marshmallows for dessert and Monique howls with laughter as the chocolate and marshmallow melt down half Vanessa’s hand and she licks it off as her Mama rolls her eyes, goes to find her a hot cloth and mutters in Spanish that Monique doesn’t understand but knows is long-suffering. She has almost forgotten the way Vanessa can make her belly laugh just by acting the fool. Monique has spent two whole years not even knowing how much she’s missed her friend, too distracted by her new ones.

When it’s time to go to sleep they both cosy up under Vanessa’s duvet that’s been dragged outside and a sleeping bag each under that. Every available pillow and cushion in the house has been utilised in lieu of a blow-up mattress but the set-up is still comfortable, even though it’s pitch-black both in the tent and outside. It might be the end of June but it’s still cold once the sun goes down, and Vanessa has shuffled up near to Monique in a bid to try and keep warm. Vanessa being so close makes Monique feel warm on the inside as well as the outside.

“Hey, you know that rumour about Akeria kissing Dean from Year 9?” Monique pipes up, interested. “Is that true?”

Vanessa rolls onto her tummy to face Monique, and her eyes are sparkling with mischief even in the dark. It makes Monique’s stomach do a flip. “Yeah. They did it at the food court after school one day. You wanna know what else?”

Vanessa’s face is so full of glee that Monique can’t help but nod in anticipation. She’s almost in fits of laughter as she tries to get the secret out. “He tried to get her to touch his…you know!”

Monique lets out a screech that is equal parts horrified and amused as Vanessa dissolves into giggles too. “GROSS! Did she do it?”

“Ew! What do you think? Of course she didn’t. That shit’s nasty.”

There’s a pause in which Vanessa lets out a few more giggles. Monique doesn’t. She’s silent. She’s thinking.

“I wonder what it’s like.”

Vanessa’s voice is loud in the silence of the night. “What? Touching a boy’s-”

“No, idiot!” Monique laughs, explaining herself. “Kissing someone. Wonder if it’s as nice as people say it is.”

Vanessa falls quiet as well. Monique wonders what she’s thinking. She decides to break the silence. “You ever kissed a boy?”

Vanessa lets out a snort. “Come on, M’nique, you know I ain’t.”

“No I don’t!” Monique protests, her voice dropping to a murmur as she feels herself pout while she speaks. “I feel like I don’t know anything about you anymore.”

They both fall silent, and there’s a shift in the atmosphere that Monique can’t quite put her finger on. Vanessa lets out a sudden giggle.

“What?” Monique asks awkwardly, unsure if she’s meant to be in on the joke or the butt of it.

Vanessa’s face is scheming. She laughs a little, buries her face in her pillow before she speaks. “You know we could practise?”

Monique is slow on the uptake at first. “Practise? Practise what?”

She realises as Vanessa lifts her head and gives another giggle. Monique lets out a screech, takes the pillow from underneath her head and thumps her friend with it. “Ew, Vanessa! Ew, ew, ew! You’re so weird!”

“Oh, c’mon! I don’t wanna go kiss a boy and then be really bad at it, then he’s tell his friends and they’d tell their friends and then the whole school would think I’m shit!” Vanessa insists. Monique’s heart gives a very loud thud as Vanessa inches her face close to Monique. She’s not taken her makeup off and her mascara is all smudged around her eyes like makeshift eyeliner. She looks really pretty.

Monique shoves her away back onto the pillows. “I ain’t doin’ that shit with you! Ask Akeria since she’s so experienced.”

“But I don’t wanna practise with Kiki! I wanna practise with you!” Vanessa says matter-of-factly. Monique’s stomach gives another churn. Something is different, something has changed. Monique isn’t sure what it is or what to make of it.

“Well, tough shit. We ain’t…practising,” Monique huffs, turning her back to Vanessa and letting her eyes burn holes in the flimsy tent walls.

Vanessa’s voice comes from her side of the tent. “Fine! But if they call you…shit, I don’t know…Washing-Machine Mouth Monique…don’t say I never warned you!”

Monique lets out another huff, squeezes her eyes shut and wills herself to sleep. She feels weird. Her heart is going too fast and her stomach feels fizzy and it takes her a moment to realise her face has gone all hot.

“M’nique?” Vanessa’s voice comes from the darkness. She ignores it. “You mad at me?”

She sighs, rolls her eyes even though she knows Vanessa can’t see. “No.”

“Okay,” Vanessa says. Her voice is soft, and she rolls over onto her side. She rests her head against Monique’s back and puts an arm around her. They hug all the time, but this one feels different. It’s nice, though, and Monique feels warm and safe. “I’m sorry we haven’t hung out much. You know. Like we did in primary.”

“I’m sorry too,” Monique sighs, bringing a hand up to pat Vanessa on the arm. She ends up simply leaving it there.

“Hey, we should hang out more in the Summer! You know you can always come round to mine,” Vanessa continues.

“Yeah, that sounds nice,” Monique murmurs, letting out a heavy sigh. She’s not lying- it would be nice. She knows she could never have friends back to her flat because they don’t have the space and besides, most of them wouldn’t even want to set foot in the high rise anyway. Monét’s parents are doctors and Asia’s Dad is a barrister and her Mum is a lawyer, and Bob’s parents work in something accountant-y, and they all live in big houses with sweeping paved driveways and garages and gardens the size of the Emirates stadium. Granted Antonia’s Mum and Dad both work two jobs to pay the rent and Brianna’s Dad is a dustbin man while her Mum stays at home to look after her baby sister, but at least their families are happy ones. Monique has never known the luxury of a fancy house or a private garden or a car or a perfect, cookie-cutter family. She wonders if she ever will.

She’s pulled out of her thoughts by Vanessa giving her a gentle squeeze, cuddling closer. She didn’t think it would be possible but she somehow manages it, and Monique isn’t complaining. “G'night, M'nique.”

Monique is too tired to think any more. Vanessa’s arms feel comforting around her, and she chooses to settle in them. “Night, 'Ness.”

[theatricalities]

⧼   A mask of perfect innocence hiding the machiavellian intentions forever lurking beneath the surface — the ace up your sleeve, the trick coin with one side weighing heavier than its opposite because chance is simply a game that’s far too risky for the likes of you; the claw marks left on absolutely anything and everything in your wake — it’s not desperation that makes you cling so fervently to the objects of your desire as much as it’s your own way of ensuring survival; the self-imposed solitude clouding your ocean eyes  — questions of identity and belonging are forever at the heels of your every decision, begging you to turn back before it’s too late.   ⧽ 

  ━━   hey, isn’t that ZEPHYRINE TRAVERS ? i read a daily prophet article on them, once ; the 24 year old part-Veela WITCH is a SLYTHERIN alumnus who has gone on to be an ACTRESS IN THE WIXEN WORLD. i’ve heard they can be quite AUDACIOUS & BEGUILING, but i don’t know…they came off very EXPLOITATIVE and DELUSIVE in that interview. it really is hard to know what to believe these days though, isn’t it?

(  takes a hiatus...comes back with a new character  )

Heya ghouls, gals, and nonbinary pals! It’s me, ya girl. Zephyrine is my second little child to enter the group and I’m real wild about her! She’s inspired by DE idea #17 which you can find listed here!  Obviously, Zeph is an OC, but her tie to canon is that she’s the daughter of Travers, the Death Eater who killed Marlene McKinnon and family. Also, because I just don’t know how to write contented characters, Zeph’s a bit of a wreck, too — has some daddy issues, wants more than the world can offer, doesn’t have a true sense of self...but she’s got great fashion !

Below is Zephyrine’s bio and general information. Wanted connections can be found here ( very under construction rn ) and they’ll be updated as play progresses! Please feel free to pm me here or on discord ( debaucherie#6347 ) if you’d like to plot ✿

BEFORE THE WAR — “ Everyone wants something...”

[ trigger warnings for death, murder; ]

On the night that marked Zephyrine Travers’ birth, the world in return exalted her upon arrival, singing the praises of the newborn babe as boldly as a songbird in spring.

Or — that was the tale upon which her mother raised her, and it was one the girl found fitting enough to believe, even if all the world around spoke to the contrary. After all, her father (whose only claim to the term was in the scientific sense alone) created so empty a home that such fantastical ideas were perhaps the only source of hope that the young girl could find. At the age of two, Zephyrine and her family were quietly removed from their ancestral home as her father was sentenced to Azkaban for the murder of Marlene McKinnon. She and her mother were stripped of all riches, no matter the fact that the young girl continued the bloodline of one of the Sacred Twenty-Eight. 

And so, life continued on in this way, with little yarns of fantasy spun each and every night in the dreariness of their one-room hovel, spoken in assuring whispers as they cooked by candlelight or repaired a worn and weathered dress when there was no money to replace it instead. Despite the woe-be-gone skirts and helpless shoes, she was determined that no one should know about the unexpected poverty that marked her home life, and walked into the halls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry with every intent on looking the part of the Travers name even if it was in name alone that she remained connected  —  going so far as to insist to the Sorting Hat that she was meant to be in Slytherin, as her family had been for centuries, even when it argued she was better suited to Ravenclaw instead. 

In many ways, her adolescence was a long, drawn-out course in the art of convincing others — she could manifest a stream of tears to reassure a fellow Slytherin that she truly felt for her father just as easily as she could feign prolonged wooziness to avoid Flying class for a week. She flashed her blessedly charming smile across the House tables in the Great Hall, befriended everyone and anyone while still keeping them at arm’s length, and convinced even the most doubtful that she was an invaluable creature — not because of her name or the weight it still carried in certain circles, but because she believed herself to be and would not rest until it was an undeniable, unequivocal truth.

At sixteen, however, the meager world she’d known her whole life shattered entirely, its fragments not pieced together with the loving touch of her mother, but instead the fearsome presence of her father, who broke out of Azkaban along with ten other Death Eaters, including Bellatrix Lestrange. Unsurprisingly, he was asked by Lord Voldemort to prove his loyalty, and continued his murderous warpath — but instead of getting caught this time, he ensured that another would take his place. Zephyrine’s mother, innocent as a dove, was framed for his crimes and swiftly locked up in Azkaban, and Zander Travers was restored all riches seized upon his arrest.

By seventeen, Zephyrine had all the hallmarks of the dreams her mother raised her on : wealth far beyond her dreams, a manor estate fit for royalty and all the accompanying fanfare upon being properly introduced into a society of Death Eaters, but lost her mother in the process to a nightmare come true — the very woman who had instilled in the girl so great a belief in the impossible, that even this seemed like something Zephyrine could undo. 

She now balanced quite a precarious act, appearing to her father as his perfect little Death Eater in training, while turning spy for the Order in exchange for their help in freeing her mother once the War was won. 

AFTER THE WAR. — “...and once you know what they want, you know how to move them.”

When the time came, however, her mother was one of the many forgotten in the shadow of the Order’s triumph, relegated to little more than a broken promise as she rotted in Azkaban along with her husband, once again sentenced for his crimes. Their daughter, however, now took up the mantle of the new head of the Travers family, left with the ruins of her father’s blood-soaked legacy. In a world rebuilding itself, there was no game to be played when each side no longer had a reason to fight — and so, she waited. Seethed, more accurately, and busied herself with cleaning up the Travers name as time passed by. After receiving a formal training with the Wixen Academy of Dramatic Arts, she cemented herself firmly as a darling in the wixen theatre scene. In truth, it was all too easy. For twenty years, she’d practiced different ways to be believed — not to lie, she’d argue to herself, for any of those perceived lapses in truth had simply been her playing a character in order to get what she needed, and the silver-tongued sweetheart she portrayed to the public was no different.  To believe was the notion her mother instilled in her, but to be believed was one she’d determined necessary for herself, even if it meant losing any sense of self in the process. And so, upon hearing word of a reformed Death Eater legion under Bellatrix Lestrange’s leadership, she appealed to their cause, vowing that she could easily become a spy within the group which once held her loyalty — in exchange, once more, for the release* of her mother. Her allegiances, of course, are unknown to the public at large. In fact, when asked by the press on such matters, she voices her support for the Ministry and their efforts at preventing another tragedy to ever mark the Wixen World’s history again. Naturally, it’s all an act, as it has always been, and she’ll keep playing the game for as long as it take to reunite* with her mother, gain the most powerful of allies, and secure her own survival. 

[ * — while i’d love to believe that zeph’s mom is still alive, i think mrs. travers is likely to have perished rather soon after being wrongfully imprisoned. however, i believe that this information was kept from zeph as a way of controlling her, first by her father, then perhaps by the order ( i’d have to actually plot this one out w/an order member for this to be true ), but certainly by bellatrix and the DE clan. ]

BASICS.

FULL NAME:  Zephyrine Travers NAME MEANING: Zephyrine is of French origin and means ‘west wind’ ; Travers is of English origin and means ‘to cross’  NICKNAME(S):  Zeph ( used by family and close friends, only ) GENDER IDENTITY: Demigirl DATE OF BIRTH: 29 October, 1995 ( i put the wrong age in my app bc maths are not my strong suit, so technically Zeph is 24 but will turn 25 soon ) BIRTHPLACE:  Travers Estate, Hampshire, England  CURRENT PLACE OF DWELLING:  London, England  SEXUAL ORIENTATION:  pansexual panromantic LANGUAGE(S): English, French, basic Latin

LIFE.

OCCUPATION: Actress  EDUCATION: Homeschooled from ages 4 to 11; attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry from ages 11 to 18; attended the Wixen Academy of Dramatic Arts from ages 19 to 21. SOCIOECONOMIC LEVEL ( GROWING UP ):  Born upper class, but lower middle class from ages 2 - 16, upper class ages 16 - onward. SOCIOECONOMIC LEVEL ( CURRENTLY ): Upper class. RELIGION: Atheist

MAGICAL.

BLOOD TYPE: Not quite pureblood — but, publicly pureblood  SPECIES: 1/4 Veela  WAND TYPE: Hawthorn, unicorn hair core, 13″, reasonably supple SKILL LEVEL: Reasonably proficient, but a distinct knack for transfiguration and healing magic. Is adept at DADA, but often flees from the scene of battle before needing to utilize curses, jinxes, etc. PATRONUS: Incapable of producing a corporeal Patronus, but if she could, it would take the form of a shrike. BOGGART: Herself — albeit, a different, unrecognizable version of herself. In all her lying and betraying and such, Zeph has lost sense of herself and just doesn’t know the depths she might go to in order to get what she wants — and so I think it’s very possible that her biggest fear is the worst possible version of herself, the one that resembles her father in his uncaring bloodlust, messy and indiscriminate and entirely lacking in the nuance she prides herself on. AMORTENTIA: Fresh popcorn, the collar of a well-worn leather jacket, the scent of a newspaper so fresh the ink smudges one’s fingertips MIRROR OF ERISED: TBD. HOGWARTS HOUSE: Slytherin ( the Sorting Hat debated for approximately nine minutes between Ravenclaw and Slytherin, but ultimately decided on Slytherin because Zephyrine asked it to. ) FAVORITE SUBJECT:  Transfiguration. LEAST FAVORITE SUBJECT:  Arithmancy. CLUBS / EXTRACURRICULARS: The Slug Club ( Year 7 ), Theatre Club ( Years 2 - 7 ), Keres Club ( ages 22 - present )

RELATIONS.

PARENT(S): Zander & Odette ( nee Lynd ) Travers SIBLING(S): Two older sisters, both deceased, from her father’s first marriage, and a younger sibling born one-two years after her from her father’s affair. SIGNIFICANT OTHER(S): tbd. EX SIGNIFICANT OTHER(S): tbd. CHILDREN:  none. PET(S):  Two cats, Beryl and Belinda. 

PHYSICAL.

HEIGHT: 5′7″ HAIR: silver-blonde EYES: blue BODY MODIFICATION(S): Three piercings in either ear. Despite Bellatrix’s insistence, she has staved off getting the Dark Mark under the guise that it would harm her status as an actress. In truth, she simply would hate to get something so permanent when her loyalties are rather, well, impermanent. NOTABLE SCARS / BIRTHMARKS:  No scars / noticeable birthmarks. A scattering of freckles. GLASSES / CONTACTS: Only when required for an acting role, but not usually needed. CLOTHING STYLE: Quite a soft, ‘feminine’ style — lace, ribbons, ruffles, pastels — but there’s always one or two little things hinting at something decidedly more aggressive ( platinum collar-tips pointed and sharpened, metallic makeup, earrings in the design of tiny daggers, black lace gloves hiding perfectly manicured claws ) ; zephyrine also wears her mother’s choker, which is platinum-plated and has a handshake as a clasp. DOMINANT HAND: Ambidextrous

PERSONALITY.

ZODIAC: Scorpio ( sun ) — observant, expressive, secretive, vengeful, enigmatic // Gemini ascendant, Capricorn moon PERSONALITY TYPE: ENTJ, The Commander — confident, charismatic, strategic, ruthless, stubborn, emotionally naive MORAL ALIGNMENT:  Neutral Evil TEMPERAMENT: Phlegmatic  ELEMENT:  Water VICE(S): Wrath VIRTUE(S):  Diligence CHARACTER PARALLELS: Dahlia Hawthorne ( Ace Attorney ), Amy March ( Little Women ), Margaery Tyrell ( ASOIAF ), Vesper Lynd ( James Bond ), Eva Perón ( history / ‘EVITA’ the musical & film )

[wlw-imagines-blog]

I Can Say it Without Words | (Peggy Carter x Fem!Reader)

Pairing: Peggy Carter x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Major Character loss, and smut, i guess

Word Count: 2k

Summary: I can make you feel good.

Anon: Hello sweetie!!! I just loooove your blog so much and your writing it’s so pretty!!! But I noticed there’s no Peggy in here :( so I’d like to request the smutish write you can post, my queer ass (I’m still figuring out if I’m Bi or Pan, so let’s say queer/not straight ass) will love you forever!!! Maybe a secret relationship between Reader and Peggy, Peg being sad bc she lost Steve and reader comforting her leading to smut and fluff and love… Pleaseeeeeeeee

A/N: Ask and you shall receive. 

***

Whenever Peggy Carter walked into S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters, the whole room seemed to hold its breath. The women at the switchboards seemed to stop and watch in awe as she sauntered by, skirt skimming their chairs, hat tipped low to cover her eyes. The male agents, looking up from their files and typewriters to cast scornful glances at her, hoping to tear her down with curled lips and narrowed eyes. They were foolish to think so.

When Agent Carter stepped into the office, you felt your heart press into your ribs, creating this nervous, wonderful pressure. Your hands became fidgety; brushing at the hair around your ears, shuffling papers, twisting your fountain pen.

Every woman that worked in the office shared a feeling of pride at how she was unapologetic, combative, even, towards nitwits like Agent Thompson and Agent Dooley. 

As she strolled into the office, head up, shoulders back, you felt a warmth prickle the back of your neck. She wore a dark, navy blue ensemble with a shockingly pink hat, the one you remember being on her desk, the day you were hired to work at S.H.I.E.L.D. 

It had been a cold October evening when Agent Carter interviewed you. Rain was splattering against the windows of her office as she reviewed your resume and criminal record check. The warm lights of the room coaxed you into a strange sense of comfort. You remembered the tight feeling in your stomach, and the sweat on your palms and brow. On her desk was the fucshia hat and plenty of files and paper, all scattered yet organized. What attracted your attention was the only picture frame on her desk. It held the image of a young, sickly blond man, wearing a white t-shirt and dog tags. His resemblance to Captain America was stunning, but, that man was far too small and skinny to be him.

“I’m going to be perfectly honest, Miss. Y/L/N, your resume and letter of recommendation is flawless,” she had said, interrupting your thoughts. “But you have yet to give me a reason as to why you want to join S.H.I.E.L.D. “

Agent Carter’s hair curled perfectly over her shoulder, the dark brown contrasted the cream of her blouse perfectly. Her chocolate eyes bore into you, like she already had you figured out.

You straightened your back. “Agent Carter. All my life, people have told me I did not have the aptitude to become a government agent. I was never smart enough, never strong enough. never man enough.” You resisted the urge to sneer at the word. “Part of me wants to prove myself to the nay-sayers. Another part wants to be a piece of something bigger that just me. But, all of me wants to make a difference, even if its a small one.”

You thought you saw the ghost of a smile on her red lips. Agent Carter stood, smoothing her navy skirt. You stood too, and accepted the hand shake she offered. 

“Miss. Y/L/N, I expect you here at seven a.m, sharp, ready for your training,” Agent Carter’s eyes glinted, clearly excited at your prospects. “Don’t be late.”

As December began, you were still in the preliminary stages of training under Agent Carter’s watchful eye; learning how to operate different firearms, mastering the art of safe-cracking, and properly educating yourself on espionage. 

You adjusted the lapels of your blazer, watching Agent Carter approach you.

“Agent Y/L/N,” She greeted. “Down to the basement, I want to see if you’re still sharp with your gun. Go on ahead, I need to clock in.” 

You nodded before leaning in. “I’d watch out, ma’am, Thompson’s on a rampage this morning; he heard about the promotion Dooley’s planning on giving you.”

Her lips twisted, as though she was fighting back a smile. “Thank you for the heads up, Y/N, I’ll keep my eyes out.”

You grinned and made your way to the practice room, artfully dodging Agent Thompson, who’s nostrils were flared and face was red.

***

“You’re getting better, y/n,” Agent Carter scribbled something down onto a clipboard. “There’s a definite improvement in accuracy. But if your hold it like this-”

She wrapped an arm around you, hand gripping yours. “Keeping your arms steady. Don’t close one eye.”

Peggy’s voice was like honey in your ears, breath hot against your neck. You fought to keep composure. The room was spinning, but you managed to keep your hand steady on the trigger, pointed at the target on the other side of the room.

Her hand rested on your nip, and you could feel the heat radiate through your slacks.

“There,” Agent Carter murmured. “Pull it.”

You pulled the trigger, and shots rang out in the cement room. 

The breathe you were holding escaped in a heavy sigh that you were certain Agent Carter heard.

“Agent Carter?” Dooley’s voice shook the two of you out of your stupor. “I want to talk to you. In my office, now.”

“Thank you, Agent Carter,” you said, unable to look at her.

“Please,” she did not remove her hand from yours. “Call me Peggy.”

You nodded, throat suddenly too tight to speak. Her eyes seemed to say a million things 

Then she was gone.

When you pulled on your jacket to leave for the night, all but one office was dark and empty. Agent Carter was still in her office, sitting behind her desk, cradling the picture frame of the blond man.

“Well,” you murmured. “This isn’t how I expected you to celebrate your big promotion.”

She smiled, still looking down. “How did you expect it?”

“I don’t know; a little gloating, a lot of drinking,” You shrugged. “Maybe some debauchery disguised in the form of dancing.”

She laughed, warm and deep, but incredibly weak. “I’m afraid I don’t dance. Not anymore.”

Her finger traced the glass of the picture, and you nodded. She was not going to open up if your pushed it.

You cleared your throat. “Peggy, I’m planning on going out tonight. Perhaps we can celebrate together? Maybe buy a few drinks and talk?” You probed gently. If she interpreted this as a date, you were either screwed, or getting screwed. 

She finally looked up, and you noticed hoe red and watery her eyes were. Peggy managed to smile. “Are you asking me on a date, Y/N?”

“Maybe,” You leaned against the door frame. “Only if you want me to.”

Peggy seemed to think over her options, she was almost unreadable. “Where do you have in mind?” 

You grinned, offering your hand. I know a place, if you’re ready to party.”

***

“Come on, honey”, you giggled, pulling Peggy along. “This will help you forget about everything.”

Mona’s was a quiet-looking building of red brick with iron bars on blacked out windows. There was a tall, stocky butch out front, hair cropped and gelled back, wearing a striped button down and slacks. She took the cigarette from behind her ear and in one fluid motion, lit it and took a deep drag. It dangled between her lips. 

“Hey, Bonnie,” You grinned at the woman. 

She offered you a coy smile. “Long time no see, Y/N. Who’s this?”

You wrapped an arm around Peggy. “She’s my guest, Bon. Is it alright that she comes in tonight?”

Bonnie sized her up, and Peggy did not back down. She looked Bonnie in the eye, chin raised. You were caught off guard when Peggy winked at her. 

The corner of Bonnie’s mouth raised. “Yeah, she’s good. Come on in.” 

You opened the door, revealing a landing, and two staircases; one that led to upstairs apartments, and one that led to the basement. As the door closed, you faced Peggy in the cramped area. 

“Peggy, I’m sure you’re aware of what kind of pub this is.”

“Honestly, I’m a touch surprised, Y/N.”

You faltered. “Peggy, this is... it’s a-”

“A lesbian bar?” she asked kindly. “I’m alright with it, Y/N. In fact, I’m more alright with it that you would believe.”

“What?”

“You might find this hard to believe, but I’m quite familiar with Mona’s,” She studied her nails, feigning disinterest. “I’m what you might call a frequent patron.”

This information slapped you in the face. Staying silent, you worked through the information as Peggy continued to speak. 

“Y/N, I’m trusting you with this information. No one at S.H.I.E.L.D. can ever find out about the both of us, okay?” 

You snapped out of your daze. “Of course! I’m not a ditz. I know a thing or two about secrecy.”

“Good,” that easy smile returned to her face. “If you’d like, Y/N, we can still have a few drinks.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course. I still want to celebrate my promotion.”

You grinned, “Lead the way, mademoiselle.”

The bar was a touch dingy, not bringing in enough funds to keep it completely spotless and well lit, but you found a table for yourself and Peggy. You called out to the bartender to send a bottle of the finest champagne. The pub was moderately crowded with other women all chatting and drinking, paying you no mind. The two of you listened to the jazz from the gramophone, drinking and laughing about the goons at the office. 

“It’s infuriating!” Peggy laughed, wiping tears from her eyes. “Thompson wants to be a secretary, not an agent! It felt so good when Dooley gave me the promotion.”

You snickered, champagne sloshing onto the table. “I’ve never seen him so angry.” The bottle was empty, and the clock read one in the morning. “It’s getting late, Peg, I’ve gotta get going. Walk me home?”

The two of you took a cab back to your apartment, and Peggy walked you to the door.

You played with the buttons of her jacket. She swallowed audibly. “So, are you going to invite me in or not?”

The two of you barely made it to the bedroom.

Your lips bumped against Peggy’s neck before latching onto her jaw. You stumbled, pressing her against the bedroom door. 

“All you have to say is yes,” You said softly into her skin. “That’s all I need, Peggy.”

She groaned as your lips stayed so tantalizingly far from her mouth. “Fuck me, Y/N, yes.”

Driven by lust, you pressed your lips to hers, letting Peggy open her mouth at her own pace, coaxing your tongue into her mouth. Her hands roamed down your chest, sliding over your breasts until they found your belt. 

Peggy pulled away, dragging you closer to the bed by the buckle. You were surprised at how breathless you were, panting as she began to unbutton your shirt. You shed it and your trousers quickly, helping her out of her skirt and blouse, sucking a dark hickey onto her collar bone.

She stood there in her lacy, black panties, gasping when your fingers brushed against her breasts.

A hand gripped the back of your head, keeping you in place, tongue lapping at her chest. 

“Fuck,” Peggy groaned. You slipped your hands down her thighs, pressing against the soft flesh of her ass. “Bed. Now.”

You fell on top of her, straddling her waist. Lips brushing against hers, delicate, then rough and filthy. Your hand slowly traveled down Peggy’s chest and navel, resting on her hip. You played with the hem of her panties.

“You’re so beautiful,” Your voice was barely above a whisper. Peggy’s hand gripped your wrist, guiding it beneath her under garment, pulling them off.

As you pressed against her, she let out a shaking gasp. Every movement created a reaction; sometimes quiet, delicious mews, other times they were loud, pleasured moans. 

Your hands never left Peggy, pushing in and out of her tight heat, hooking your fingers to brush against her G spot. When you pulled away, she let out a disappointed noise. 

You replaced your hand with your thigh. You sighed as Peggy shifted her hips, dragging herself over the skin of your thigh, warm and wet. She moved faster and faster, her moans becoming higher and higher.

“Fuck,” she hissed, teeth clenched, arms thrown around your neck. Peggy cried out, falling into pleasure, back arching into you. You collapsed onto her, breathless.

She pressed a messy kiss your forehead before pulling the sheets over the both of you. You wrapped an arm around her waist, resting your head on her shoulder.

“Goodnight, Peg,” you murmured sleepily, nuzzling closer.

She ran a hand through your hair. “Goodnight, love.”

***

A/N: This is long as heck.

[dogcopter]

Rose is Liveblog 2020: I Am My Monster (Steven Universe Future Finale)

Rose is Liveblog 2020 Masterlist

I can’t believe Steven Universe Future came and went with the clandestine Rose Quartz still in disguise! Conspiracy still holds, though. Finale spoilers ahead. 

Here are the final Lion appearances of all time or until another SU world title is made. (may come back and do a post about roseislion related background art tho)

SUF 19: I Am My Monster

Pre-Lion talk: Lion isn’t in Homeworld Bound or Everything’s Fine, but the PD parallels this season are very noisy. Steven’s going through some feelings his mom has felt too. I think there’s an argument to be made for “pink mode” cries for help to be her influence, like Cactus Steven, but I choose to take the cortisol explanation at face value for now bc I prefer it.

So Lion’s not at the intervention, but once Steven transforms and everyone is trying to talk to him, Connie is shown with Lion. I’m assuming he was napping under the beach house or behind the cliff as usual, Rose could have been hanging out as a ghost with them, w/e.

Connie: We can change him back, can’t we? Garnet: As long as he believes he’s a monster, he’ll stay one.

Everybody’s worried about Steven. Greg is moved next to Lion, because that’s their son and they became close sometime as of like, season 5.

Connie and Lion go to “protect the townspeople”, and make it back just in time for the climax.

White Diamond: ...and if Pink hurt you, it was because I hurt her! Like I hurt Yellow, and Blue, and Steven, and everyone in the entire universe! This is all my fault! Connie: Yes, it is!

(they either ignored the fight to climb up on that dome for her proclamation, or Connie told Lion to jump off a cliff 5 seconds before)

Cannot overstate the importance of Lion witnessing White Diamond acknowledge her actions. Given what White was like before, this is basically Rose’s equivalent of Steven getting an apology from Rose. Generational trauma the anime. 

White is the controlling, abusive parent who tells you there’s something wrong with YOU, if you are anything but what she’s decided you’ll be, and that belief is reinforced a million times by your life and even your own choice and actions. (which are themselves informed by trauma, even though trauma doesn’t excuse the harm you cause others - as Future tells us, Rose and Steven are far more alike than either once realized.) But there wasn’t anything wrong with you; abuse wasn’t for your own good. She says “all of this is because of me”, and I’m glad that Rose, who definitely feels like this was all her fault, heard the root of her trauma acknowledged. 

But this is about Steven, lol. Lion’s part of the hug charge! He delivers Connie to Steven’s nose so she can embrace him with a healing kiss.

Steven panics when he comes down from his meltdown,

Lion gets in his face and offers some pure animal affection. It’s exactly what Steven needs to let go and let himself sob. 

The best shot in all of Future

Series finale callback: Pink Steven Rose and Steven hugging, AGAIN, because this entire show is a double helix of their character arcs intertwined like a hug.

Next post is the tiny bit of Lion in The Future, and then SU is gone, forever, at least until we get artbook lore. I can’t believe how many of these I’ve done, and only for personal satisfaction.

Finale roseislion meta

assuming Shy Rose is Rose, and I really think she is, there’s something specific about her behavior in Rose Buds as relates to I Am My Monster. It’s implied Rose asked Wy-six to come to earth, she’s waiting right against the door, but she and Steven are shocked to see one another and don’t even speak until later in the episode. Rose notices Pearl is freaking out, she notices Steven is uncomfortable even though he’s pretending to be fine, and she leaves because he won’t tell them to leave. 

She takes action to improve Steven’s environment, even though Steven claims he’s ok. She tells him that they (the Rose Quartzes) were also pretending to be fine, and doesn’t downplay the severity of the trauma they’re dealing with in the aftermath of Rose’s decisions (”It’s not whatever.”). And if she came to Earth to tell him she wasn’t “gone”, it’s possible she chickened out, but I also think she realized it’s not the right time to put this on Steven.

Not to understate how big a mess she left him by, y’know, giving up her physical form and remaining as a ghost, but in and of itself her behavior in this one small episode scenario is exactly what Connie must later ask of the Gems in the final showdown. 

In other words, she may have had a crisis about the trauma she’s caused Steven, but she also prioritized Steven’s needs, changed her behavior, and verbally validated his feelings - just in a lower-stakes situation. (I do think she hides her feelings for similar reasons to Steven too, but in this scenario it works in his face) 

And at the end of the episode, Lion is back with Steven, keeping him company - like at the end of I Am My Monster. I think Rose, as usual, has good intentions. She can still come forward eventually, and I like to believe she can and will get there, but like Connie says:

Yes, you hurt him but this isn’t the time to make this all about you!

(Lion: owo;;; ) 

Rose got that and said something about it 16 episodes sooner than the other parents. She got her comeback moment and her potential for the redemption arc/conversation we’ve all been waiting for, but it wasn’t the right time to put that on Steven. also with Rose alive in her own body they could easily drag that story out a few more seasons being bff with Connie has been a good influence on her, lol. If SU is ever continued, there’s potential for Steven and his mom to meet, when both are in a better place for it, and both of them can go to therapy. Still tragic but hopeful in an SU fashion.

Lore on this assertion: Rose Buds Lion liveblog, Shy Rose is Steven’s Mom, the use of The Cave, the fact that she looks and behaves like Lion - watch Rose Buds but only the parts with Shy Rose, meta clips compilation, Rose Ghost Theory & chronological list of SU ghosts, Rose Is Lion theory masterpost 

thank u for the support

[kodibitesback]

kodi !

⧼   banita sandhu, cis female, she/her  /   “heads will roll” by yeah yeah yeahs +  the aroma of garlic spilling out from the curry joint that you walk past on the way home from the ministry that doesn’t smell like your dads’ kitchen but still sets your mouth watering with a hunger insatiable that you must walk away from empty, empty, empty; the heartbeat tattoo of bare feet as you move through your mudras in the dark, a goddess of shadow, a creature of the night; the mirror that you stupidly brought across the atlantic and have subsequently left to gather dust among the unpacked boxes in your ground-floor apartment because you know when you look, you won’t know any better whether you like who you are, forever.   ⧽   ━━   hey, isn’t that POONKODI “KODI” ADALARASU? i read a daily prophet article on them, once ; the TWENTY-SEVEN year old muggleborn WITCH & VAMPIRE is an ILVERMORNY alumnus who has gone on to be an AUROR. i’ve heard she can be quite SCINTILLATING & UNFLINCHING, but i don’t know… she came off very RASH & EMBITTERED in that interview. it really is hard to know what to believe these days though, isn’t it? 

pinterest // playlist 

QUICK STATS

name: poonkodi rainbow hearts adalarasu [POON-koh-dee UH-the-luh-rah-suh]; goes by “kodi” almost exclusively [sees the use of her full name as more personal] age: 27 [technically physically 25 as she was bitten two years ago] gender: cis woman, she/her sexuality: lesbian/queer blood status: muggleborn, in british terminology. raised by two loving and bohemian indian-american no-maj fathers. her parents thought she got a scholarship to a boarding school and then became a cop. now they think she’s dead. creature status: vampire, brand new. bitten while on the job. nearly died. trauma central. she’s still working on finding a good british brand of glamour charms, which she uses on and off to hide or show her status.  alma mater: ilvermorny, wampus house.  patronus: was a kingfisher. is now a bat, to her consternation. wand: 11 inches, whippy, pine wood with a wampus hair core and pearl inlay. manufactured by a descendant of johannes jonkers profession: auror with the british ministry’s department of law enforcement, auror office. was senior for her age in her division back in washington, dc, was once a wunderkind. hired in london as part of the shacklebolt administration’s diversification and beings’ rights initiatives. residence: a very dark, windowless ground-floor apartment in london pets: none. animals don’t like her anymore.  likes: loud music, dancing (club or indian classical), stupid videos, working late, thick blankets, sandals, urban exploration, midnight conversations, quodpot, adventure, decisive action, aggressive flirting, inadvisable makeouts, dueling, bar brawls, making bad vampire jokes about herself dislikes: shy people, boredom, coffee (the smell alone), wet socks, sad movies, arts and crafts, meditating (but she’s trying to do it anyway), being psychoanalyzed, the prospect of eternity, people she doesn’t like making bad vampire jokes about her 

BIOGRAPHY

[Triggering subjects in backstory include references to suicide, blood, violence, death.]

Kodi was a much-loved, much-wanted child. She had two dads, both Indian-American, one a Tamil classical dancer from a whole line of dancers and one a Punjabi art therapist. Her biological mother is her fathers’ best friend, a classical dancer of Punjabi descent. She played the role of a quirky aunt in Kodi’s life; Kodi called her by first name. Largely, she was raised by a village of multicultural artsy queer people who encouraged unconventionality in her. Precocious and bright, Kodi had an unwavering sense of justice and purpose from an early age that often set her at odds with her more free-wheeling little community. She was a charming child but sometimes unnervingly serious for her age. While she was a skillful Bharatanatyam dancer, she never wanted to be an artist. She always wanted to be a hero. 

When she learned about her magic and what that could mean for her future, she had to make a decision. The strict division between No-Maj and wix in the United States meant that she was encouraged not to tell her parents that she was a witch. She thought that they would love to know about the existence of magic, but she wanted something to be her own for once. She wanted something to be her secret. She didn't think they could keep it secret at all. They’d probably do performance art about the role of magic in society or something. In the end, she decided to lie, not knowing that as the years went on, the lies would only grow. So her parents believed she had been accepted to a prestigious boarding school for gifted children, and in fact, she had: Ilvermorny in Massachusetts. She was a smash hit at Ilvermorny with dozens of friends, good at anything she really poured her heart into, which was mostly anything that had to do with fighting Dark wix. She decided from the day that she met her favorite professor that she would be an Auror like she once was, and she worked towards this with great purpose, networking as best as she could as a No-Maj-born. 

Her efforts paid off: right out of school, she was offered a position in Washington, DC with the Auror Division there. She maintained to her dads that she was a cop, which disappointed them deeply, but she decided she had grown past what her fathers thought. She knew what the world was now, and she was going to make it a better place. For a good solid stretch from seventeen to twenty-five, she was kicking ass and taking names. She had a sharp eye and great fighting instincts, and her rise through the Division was suitably meteoric. Her personal life was a bit of a disaster, however, with a string of girlfriends that she messily dumped when they got in the way of her career. She grew more and more estranged from her parents.

As she proved herself, her case-load grew more intense and more dangerous. She became especially known for taking on lengthy assignments that required travel. On one mission that took her into the Blue Ridge Mountains to investigate an illegal potions ring, she was attacked by a vampire. She thought that she would bleed to death, but instead, horribly, she lived, or at least became undead. Kodi, who had been born without knowing she was a witch but had fallen in love with the wonder of magic, had crossed over into the Dark. When she first came to consciousness, she was in the bowels of the Division’s Virginia building, sometime past midnight, and they were asking her what they should do, what they should tell her parents.

She swallowed with a click, intensely aware of why her throat was dry and why her teeth ached. She said, “Tell them I’m dead.”

She recuperated for a long time in a special ward in the largest wixen hospital in the country. She had a lot from which to recover and a lot to which she had to become accustomed. For weeks, her magic sputtered and failed. Even when it returned to her, the magic felt different--but at least it had returned. She was still magic. Eventually, Kodi grew restless. She took the remainder of the year off to travel the world and find herself, or more accurately, her new people. Along with sundry other beings, she met vampires who were loving their countless years and vampires who seemed to be looking to get staked as fast as possible. Kodi had a bad feeling she knew where she fit in that spectrum, and yet she had come too far now to give it all up.

Thus after her prolonged absence, she returned to the DC office, changed within and without. Everywhere she looked, she felt hunted. She could still feel the teeth in the back of her neck. Her old colleagues couldn’t figure out whether to show her sympathy or give her space, but she could feel how their eyes followed her around the room. She could sense the animal fear in them because even when she drank from covered pouches, a little blood would always stain her mouth. Kodi had been raised to be proud of who she was. She was spoiled with love and opportunity. At times, people accused her of overconfidence (though she would call herself cocky but competent). Now, though, Kodi hated herself.

She needed a way out. Always with an ear to the ground, she heard rumblings from across the ocean about a push for beings’ rights from the Ministry under Shacklebolt. Kodi sensed opportunity. She made a visit to the British Ministry, pressed some flesh, passed around her resume, and without too much effort--her superiors in DC had been eager, lately, to see the back of her--she secured herself a position within the Auror Office.

She accepted the job offer before the Warbeck benefit disaster and...made the decision not to back out of it. She went ahead and rented that dark little near-underground flat she’d picked out and called up those people she’d met on her first go-around. It was time to start her new life. 

Kodi endeavors not to have regrets about anything, as she figures she should get into the habit of that if the alternative is living far too many decades, even centuries of regrets. But she can admit that even if werewolves aren’t exactly her natural allies, the environment in Britain for all magical beings is tenser than ever. She feels out of place for so many reasons. She’s American, she’s “Muggleborn,” she’s not even human anymore. Still, she’s great at making conversation, making friends, and making trouble. Kodi works into the night and parties for what’s left of it, dancing til she should be sweating, trying not to flash her fangs when she laughs. Yet her past is a heavy thing; she can’t cast off the burden of it. Every time she tries to move forward, her future feels more fraught, another roadblock rising up in front of her. 

It’s a bad time to be here. She’s trying to have a good time anyway.

FUN FACTS

yes her middle name is actually ‘rainbow hearts’ bc she is a product of her dads’ beautiful gay love. she has a real love/hate relationship to it because admittedly she does love being second-generation gay. if she tells someone her middle name or lets them call her by her full first name, you know it’s real.

she was vegan before she was turned. she’s had some confusing ethical debates about blood-drinking and maintains that she is still vegan (she avoids animal products and only drinks from consenting humans or blood donations).

the legality of her using a wand in britain due to the wand ban (clause three of the code of wand use) is tricky and she’s hoping that continues to be hand-waved. her prepared argument is that she is a human with a condition, same as lycanthropes.

WANTED CONNECTIONS 

professional - she’s a workaholic! her ministry coworkers are half her social circle! maybe someone a lil nervous about her sipping blood out of a juicebox in the breakroom? personal - friends & flings. neighbors. people she’s punched. new gf. w/e! past - she’s traveled and met all kinds of people, wix and creatures alike. reunion time? ORDER ! - she could be a real asset to the order, as she is an experienced auror and also a vampire. i’m looking for someone to recruit her, since she is currently a civilian!

PLAYED CONNECTIONS

alicia spinnet - hooked up after a queer wix speed-dating thing and before the big ministry gala 

dudley dursley - bonding over non-magical backgrounds and kodi making fun of dudley mercilessly. ministry coworkers

heather pettigrew - always butting heads as private investigator and auror. 

[yewphoric]

Character meme. DIOOOOO and jotarized

oh he he he oh hoho ok thank you :imbaby: 

these are gonna be long fair warning. u picked two top faves so i’ll talk forever

we will do Dio first

Favorite thing about them: I think my favorite thing abt him is. well besides He Sexy, his like flair?? idk he’s so dramatic and talks and stands weird and does weird things and i think that’s pretty neat

Least favorite thing about them: WELL he’s a pretty shitty person lol. he does many bad things but 2 pick one....his flagrant disrespect for life in general. like. he just kills animals and ppl for no reason. that’s not good, Dio, stop that

Favorite line: ah he says a lot of funky iconic things. ig it’s not a line but is it too cheesy to pick WRYYYYYYYYY? bc i’m picking that. it never fails to make me laugh bc like what the fuck. he’s just makin those noises. go ahead you rabid gay vampire

Random headcanon: this one might count as an unpopular opinion as well since i’ve seen how ppl react to this headcanon BUT i hc him as aroace. yes he fucks to survive but did he feel any sort of attraction to those many, many people? absolutely not. he fucks to fuck and that is all. i will die on this hill

Unpopular opinion: i think high Dio (short hair Dio) is the ugliest version of him. idk if this is unpopular but short hair does Not suit Dio, at all

Song I associate with them: OK this is kinda unoriginal since i got it from an AMV about him BUT Oh No! by Marina and the Diamonds is a Dio song. here’s the AMV it’s really good 

Favorite picture of them: Hard choice! he is very sexy. i’ll go with this panel from Stone Ocean, though 

now for Jotaro :3c

Favorite thing about them: ohhhh god i have to pick huh. OK i thought of one thing: i love that he canonically has a soft spot for kids. like if people hurt kids he gets REALLY mad and he’s generally just got a dad vibe when he has to take care of kids. love the protective dad energy

Least favorite thing about them: i love him with my entire heart so i don’t hate anything abt him BUT i really do wish he handled raising Jolyne better. i understand the canon reasons and i know it’s completely in character for him to think that not being there is the best way to protect her but please,,,, be there for her, sir

Favorite line: ok i really love a lot of his stupid one-liners in stardust crusaders lmao. i think my favorite was when Dark Blue Moon’s user tried to predict what he was thinking about and then after he defeated him he was like “Nope. What I was thinking was... [dramatic turn] If you pissed yourself when you lost, it’d be gross since we’re in the water, old man.” like how iconic. he thinks he’s so cool. i love him

Random headcanon: ok i finally thought of an original headcanon of mine: he has his hands in his pockets all the time even when it seems inconvenient (like. when he’s about to fight Dio, for example) because he’s Incredibly Uncomfortable if he’s not doing something with or holding something in his hands and putting them in his pockets is a way to conveniently alleviate that AND look cool and chill at the same time

Unpopular opinion: idk how unpopular this is But i’m okay with the fact that his marriage to his wife was never developed? like she’s not given any characteristics other than “good mother” and considering that she doesn’t even have a name and that Jotaro never even mentions caring about her when he talks about caring for Jolyne,,, idk i don’t find myself longing to see what their relationship was like since i don’t think there was much there

Song I associate with them: ok i just decided this on the spot BUT.... thinkin about the lyrics a lil...... Interlude by EDEN. especially “so i push it back down cuz i never wanna let out that i’ve been dying since i saw you were gone”.... sad cat face....might go draw some sad fanart to this song.... :thinking:

Favorite picture of them: hm ok another hard one bc Jotaro’s top notch character design and Araki’s beautiful art style combine very often to form some Excellent pieces that are very visually appealing..... i’ll go with This One from Stone Ocean though...... i realize perhaps i’m just a bit of a slut for the Stone Ocean art style lmao

[cuddleslutloki]

I have a genuine question. How often do you actually deal with antis? I've been following you for a bit now and it seems every so often you bring up antis. I've certainly kept my interest about thorki shut and locked away in a box from my friends for the simple fact that all of them think it's incest. It's not an easy topic of conversation but you just seem to handle all the antis so well? Also on an off note about beast!Thor, his favorite pass time must just be rutting into Loki 24/7 🤔

when someone tells you that you're romanticizing abuse [bc i made a stockholm moodboard for a fic] I don't know what I'm supposed to say other than I don't condone it but I write about it? Is writing about abusive relationships bad in writing??? you're the only person i ask for advice so thank you for anything in advance

i’m honestly really glad you came to me. i really do like discussing this topic in this kind of way bc i’ll never reblog an anti or answer an anti ask. even if you’re arguing against them, i don’t think it’s worth it to argue against them if it means also spreading what they’re saying

the basic premise of all anti behavior and ideology is censorship. that’s all it is. 

“i don’t like this topic, you need to stop writing it and making art for it. if you don’t stop there will be consequences.”

that is censorship and that is the kind of shit fandom has had to fight ever since there’s been fandom. women, poc, lgbt+ folks have been dealing with people telling us what we can and can’t write and enjoy for... well, probably forever. but we’re still here, creating the kind of content we want to see and indulge in.

as far as how to deal with antis, my advice is to ignore, ignore, ignore. they want what any bully wants: attention

you stop paying attention, you stop giving them time they don’t deserve from you, they’ll die off. there’s no point in fighting them directly. produce the content you want to see and enjoy what you want to enjoy. drown them out. you don’t owe them a response just because they come to you. they don’t have any qualms about being rude to you, so be rude back and just ignore them. i love blocking antis, personally. take out the garbage, y’know?

antis use the words ship and support as synonyms because they think that shipping is some radical call to action for lgbt rep instead of entertainment

shipping is not activism. shipping is about entertainment and enjoyment, nothing more

so this is why i have this very blasé attitude about antis. i just don’t give a fuck about them beyond making posts trashing their idiocy. because that’s what it is. it’s idiocy, but going deeper it’s puritanism at its finest. antis use fox news scare tactic logic under the guise of some pseudo feminist agenda because they don’t understand and don’t want to understand that enjoying dark fiction as entertainment isn’t equivalent to some greater moral stance

they use the same argument about shipping and fanfiction that WASP moms use against video games and loud music: that enjoying and consuming it will make you think it’s normal and there’s nothing wrong with it irl

okay, well, vlad the impaler never played CoD or far cry and caligula never watched hentai but we know why i’m bringing them up in this context without even heading over to wikipedia, don’t we?

they use the words abuse and pedophilia waaaaaayy too liberally and they’re doing more harm than good because they’re twisting and warping words that should have very specific meanings by using them so goddamn vaguely and irresponsibly 

my own personal theory is that these people are terrified that if they don’t yell in opposition to these topics 24/7 and actively attack content creators that they’d probably enjoy it, and they’ve been so programmed by the echo chamber of tumblr and twitter that they think this means they’re bad people. 

spoiler alert: that’s not what it means

i literally watched a circle jerk on twitter where screenshots of some mafia starker au got tweeted and retweeted w/ pictures of someone pouring bleach into cereal and people had asked to see more of the post. if you really don’t like something, you shouldn’t hate-read about it. it’s not productive, it does more harm than good if that’s the actual issue rather than some reverse psychology-style enjoyment they’re probably getting out of it.

they claim to hate this shit so much, but they’re reading hundreds and thousands of words and putting these images in their heads of their own free will. i don’t do that with shit i genuinely dislike. i avoid it.

i see antis say they enjoy thorki fanart because they think it’s cute, then they see it’s tagged thorki and they have an over the top reaction because the nature of anti ideology states you should never enjoy something like that, so if you do then you have to make the excuse of ignorance to prove that you’re still innocent and pure. enjoyment is apologism to them because they aren’t content to simply attack fan creators, they want to try and drive away the people who consume our art as well because they know you’re the cornerstone of fandom. consumers are why creators create. yeah, i write because i enjoy it, but i also write to connect to my readers and have people commenting on my fics when they like them.

it’s also worth noting that antis only ever talk about shipping. they only talk about sexual and romantic ships. i’ve never seen an anti talk about (often extreme) levels of violence in canon source material for the ships and characters they want to froth at the mouth over. 

seeing someone bleed out and choking on their own blood after being stabbed or shot or bludgeoned? meh

seeing a character who was once a child have a sexual thought about a character who was also once a child and is also their close friend? omg why are we trying to make fandom unsafe for people?

personally, i’ve also noticed that fandoms with darker canon material tend to have more chill fandoms most of the time. i think it also depends on the average age in a given fandom. there’s a major difference between fannibals and steven universe fans, let’s just say that.

creating a moodboard for a dark fic is not “romanticizing abuse” and at this point antis honestly have no fucking idea what that phrase is. they use those words the way a bored CEO uses social media buzzwords and hashtags in a staff meeting

if antis want to see true romanticizing of abuse then they can go to serial killer thirst tags and spot the fucking differences between shippers and people who forget that ted bundy was weak, flaccid, cowardly piece of shit

writing something dark or violent or whatever else and condoning the act or doing the act are different. this is why stephen king isn’t under government surveillance or in prison.

make no mistake, this anti shit only applies to fandom. they’re attacking creators here because creators out at the professional levels don’t give a fuck. they’ve tried, and they’ve failed. 

creators at the professional level understand something antis don’t: that being able to reconcile your enjoyment of dark media can be a sign of emotional intelligence and good emotional health. it’s cathartic. it’s allowed to be cathartic.

the most common consumers of dark fiction are members of minority communities and people who’ve been emotionally and/or sexually repressed for one reason or another. 

antis want to say that fiction doesn’t exist in a vacuum and they are 100% correct! because writing fanfiction and original fiction that relates to parts of my life that nearly killed me gives me control over something that was beyond me in the original context. writing about fucked up codependent, violent romance allows me to process my shit in a way that’s healthy and produces something fun and enjoyable.

my therapist knows i ship thorki, she knows i write thorki. i’ve had her read pieces of fanfiction i’ve written in addition to pieces of original fiction. y’know what she said? “wow, baylen, that’s vivid. you have a way with words!”

i read her a line out of smart boy and told her what the story was about and this trained professional said “well it’s a productive way to process some emotion that you clearly need to let out”

but you know what? if someone doesn’t have the trauma i have? let them write it, too! let them create and enjoy the fictional content they want! more cake, y’all!

finally getting around to one of the first parts of your ask, lol. thorki is incest. thor and loki are brothers. they were raised believing they were blood brothers, even. loki being adopted doesn’t change a thousand years of personal history where thor looked at loki and thought that they came out of the same woman, y’know? 

that’s his brother and in the comics his attachment to loki is even more intense. the mcu nerfed that shit. loki’s life has been intrinsically tied to thor’s ability to feel a full sense of joy. 

enjoying an incest ship isn’t some sign of moral depravity. writing abusive relationships isn’t bad. gone girl was made into an award winning movie. art should look like life, and sometimes life fucking sucks. dark stories, sad stories, fucked up holy shit idk if i can go to sleep after i read this stories exist for a reason. we need them. we have to have an outlet for our frustration, our anger, and especially our fear.

so which is the healthier option of these

to write up a piece of fanfiction where two siblings are in love in a way that might be cute and soft or might be destructive, depending on your mood?

or

attacking strangers you don’t know online and threatening violence against anyone who doesn’t think like you do?

i know what kind of person i want to be.

ship and let ship, thanks for reading my doctoral thesis office hours are always

[tesskeats]

Comfort

I’m finding some comfort in read a friend of a friends Instagram. At 2:20am in the morning because my son is teething and can’t sleep. There for I can’t sleep. 😊🤣🤷‍♀️

This girl lets call her Sara, is living the dream life, my dream life for myself.

I believe she’s about 23 years old, living in Japan and has gone to a Japanese/English university and graduated with her Bach of arts degree. She has many friends English and Japanese, picked out her graduation clothes which turned out to be traditional Japanese wear, Japanese boyfriend, and now she’s going to find a job back home in America to be closer to her family.

The regret and mistakes I’ve made in life. Here is how my life turned out after graduation of high school.

2005-2011 what is like to call the fuzzy years. I broke up with Will, my half Japanese first love of my life for a guy who I became friends with at an arcade and lived near me. Because it was easier at the time than the long distance. Boy was I severely mistaken. I would never have known that this boy... Will... I would still be trying to look for his love and him for over 10+ years in every relationship. I never should have left him. Because it started a chain reaction of events where people would hurt me and abuse me. The boy I dated instead of Will, Taylor, cheated on me. Then I started dating women again. Also cheated on me. Then I found Melissa. Short lived, short loved, but so intense at the time for me and pivotal in my sexual identity. I had never loved a woman that much.

So from Melissa to about 2011 I dated/ slept with quite a few women. Couldn’t really find the one or didn’t care to due to being so fucked up. Gained a lot of weight. During this time I went to a community college and struggled so much due to bad education from an alternative school which mentally was the best choice for me at the time. I ended up getting kicked out temporarily from that community college due to plagiarism, which I truly believed how you wrote a research paper was rewarding bits and pieces from different websites and books.. and make it fit. My freshman comp 1 teacher failed me on my last paper, and I would have passed. I had to write a letter pleading back into university. It was embarrassing but I grew from it. Back to relationships. So I never graduated from the community college but I took up to Japanese 4 mainly to speak to my boyfriend but ex at the time.... I didn’t succeed past that or want to try since we weren’t together. Another future opportunity gone. During that time I worked at a home daycare. So I had decided I wanted to be a massage therapist on a cruise. So I jumped into massage school 2010, graduated and couldn’t find a cruise job. Gained up to 256 and went to another university for graphic design. Where was my life even going? I just kept jumping to jumping from situation not ever really thinking it through or understanding what’s going on. Still to this day my life would be much happier and simpler if I had just stayed with Will. Sigh. So I meet Ashley when I start graphic design university and she is my perfect new better Will, but a woman. And like I said perfect. 💗 I couldn’t have imagined to meet someone with a similar personality, make me laugh, perfect. But we got comfortable. And I’m not sure what happened specifically. Other than, she said at the end I never protected myself. And when we broke up, I didn’t have a fall out plan. Which seems to be a pattern in my life. Like I’m not mature or wise enough to have a back up plan or think ahead. I was heart broken when I left my perfect job in Oklahoma to move us to Colorado only to find 6 months later... she would break up with me and I’d have to restart all over again. Honestly it was the most civil and best break up you could have. Still to this day (even though we do not talk, she’s married, and I wish her the best happiness ever), best relationship I ever had. And I took it for granted and somewhere along the way messed up. Like all these awful people in my life messed up on me. And I did it to her. I carry such heavy weight on how I handled everything with her. it’s hard to let go and not over analyze every minute detail of WHAT DID I DO WRONG? Why am I not enough.

Fast forward 2015-2019. I had the worst relationship with a person I didn’t think you could have. And I was sooooooo Soooo SOOOOOOO completely beer goggles and blinded by the multiple multiple cheating. And I thought, hey if he loves me enough to have a child with me, that surpasses it all. Not with narcissistic sociopaths. They have no guilt, only shame. And shame because how everyone else views them. I have a 2 year old son. He has not seen his dad in almost 3 weeks, and he lives 5 minutes away and is unemployed like myself. It breaks my heart. He had him for 18 hours almost 3 weeks ago, and he asked me to come get him bc he kept saying momma, momma, momma. Fast forward to today. Not only does he have a new gf he cheated on me with, but one he’s known for 4 weeks, lives in Alaska, and is a stranger. He told me they’re just friends. Then it’s just the game. Then when I found I LOVE YOU TEXTS, it’s just how they talk bc or the game. And now 2.5 weeks after we break up. She’s in secret living there. I predicted this would happen, I predicted she would move in, however, I did not predict it would happen so fucking soon and he would try to HIDE IT FROM ME. Well shit is going down.

How is this my life? From a simple romance and true love with Will. To fighting for my mental sanity and son. Unemployed, single mother, living with her mom at 32.

I am truly afraid this, is going to kill me. It’s so much pressure on my organs and heart because i cannot handle the stress and pain of it all. I will give my son everything and my life for him to be with me. Taking care of him gives me such intense selfish joy, I cannot imagine my life without him. I’m filled with love, pride, and excitement to watch him grow and learn and be the boy he is becoming. When I look at his face, I see his father so clearly and part of me wants to cry and throw up, but I remind myself... if you give him all the love...teach him from right and wrong...show him how to truly care and love someone.. he won’t turn out to be his father. He won’t hurt women like his dad hurt me and so many others in his past. No in person should ever have to be in the situation I am in. The pain. The physical, mental and emotional pain. I thought I had anxiety and depression before... this is such another level.

With my anxiety and depression so heightened I’m worried I will die soon. My body and organs can’t take enough of the stress and mental damage that’s been afflicted on me. And My son will be forever with his father and new family. And even though, if I do die, l won’t be able to find out how he turns out. Which is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. Because I’ll be gone. And I won’t be able to see how he lives and grows up. So I want to write a short letter to my son.

~~~

Dear Noy,

Today is April 11, 2019 2:47am. You just turned two a few weeks ago and mommy is so proud of you. You’re learning to put your shoes on, and even try to say more words! You can whisper shoes, blue, show, and even car. You can clearly say; momma, dada, mmm, bubble, baba, car, duck, meow, woof, roar,mum mum. Right now I think that’s about it. I started you on almond milk recently because you had a tummy ache for a while and you love it. You also really love mango juice and frozen pineapples. :) we recently went and had ice cream together and you got a vanilla cone and shared with mommy. Mommy loves all these fun special times and moments with you. Especially bath time. Playing in the water and singing abcs and “swimming swimming swimming in the sea that mean old shark will never catch me” and you will flop on your tummy and swim away when I sing that lol. You love bubbles and colored tablets in your bath and to splash around. When you get hurt or sad you cry for momma. And lift your arms up and say “ohhh 🥺😩😢🥺” because you want me to hold you and it’s the most precious and amazing feeling ever. It makes mommy’s heart and head and everything so happy and loved and wanted. You’re my angel and my true version of happiness and fullfillment. I’m so honored and lucky to have you in my life Noy. You’re such a good boy. Mommy loves you! So so much! 💗💋 I hope that someday I can read you this letter and tell you how much you’ve changed and grown into a young man. See you go to elementary school and high school graduation. But baby if I don’t, and I for some reason leave you too soon. It doesn’t mean I didn’t do anything and everything in my power to love and provide the very best for you. I am not a perfect person, but I know I love you. So be strong, remember all these little memories I shared with you. And remember to treat everyone with kindness, do not hurt a lady because it can truly hurt her forever like it has with mommy, and plan for your dreams. You can do anything you want. Don’t settle. And love your family with all your heart. I love you Noy. XOXOXOX, Mommy

It’s officially 3am and I have to get up at 7am to do some things. 2pm is when everything is getting into motion. And going down. Please universe spare me the drama and heart ache. Let this be easy and smooth. Let me handle things with grace. Let me live and not die.

[deathvisited]

“I’ve got you” -styxx too bc I can

His magic lashed out, uncontrollable, or maybe he just didn’t want to control it, as he sat staring at her body. Sat staring at the remains of his world. The warriors he’d brought with him had stopped trying to urge their lord back to his own lands, the seelie had stopped attacking when he’d frozen them solid. The world had stopped. Everything had stopped —- frozen in time. If only he that ability, the ability to stop time. If only he’d been here sooner. They had stolen her right from his lands. He’d felt her presence disappear and had gone to check, had scented the seelie’s stink the minute he’d gotten to where he’d felt her leave.

How had he not felt them? Had they never been on the land? Had they not breached his barriers? But it made no sense, she would not have willingly went with them, she would not have willingly left him.

She wouldn’t.She wouldn’t.

He refused to believe anything else as he stared at that porcelain cheek, as wrath and despair battled in his chest. The tread of a foot over frozen ground didn’t have him turning to look, he knew the weight of those steps, knew who came towards him when the others had gathered in a circle around the frozen dome he had erected. “Goaway,” his voice was as clear and cold as the ice he’d encased himself and Circe in. He knew Styxx could break it but he doubted he would. His friend understood grief after all. If that was what this numbness was, this gaping yawning blackness.

‘Reinforcements will be coming,’ his voice isn’t harsh, no Styxx’s voice is factual, a simple statement that they both knew would be true. “I don’t care,” he answered. He could kill them, like he’d killed the others before they’d run. He could kill all of them. His coldness crept across the ground, reinforced the dome he’d made to keep others out. To keep them away from her. If only he had done it before. If only he had been quicker. The ground cracked with how cold it had become and his own people were backing up, cold down to their bones, mutterings coming about their lord. He didn’t care, they could wonder and gossip all they wanted.

The blood he’d shed was frozen to his face, such a rare thing to happen for him, rarely did any part of him freeze and it was a testament to his distress that he’d frozen the vile blood onto himself. He was covered in it, but he was cold… cold to the very core of himself. Cold like he had never been, not even when he’d been a kinslayer, not even when his mother had passed into the aether. He felt as if he may shatter and as he felt the rumble of the earth as Styxx stood outside his dome he knew he didn’t want him breaching the walls. He wanted to be alone if he was going to shatter like he had shattered the Seelies.

He should have taken his time with them.They had died far too fast.

It was regret as he felt Styxx lift the ground around him, as he felt him try to shift the frozen earth to let him enter. Eventually Sebastian would, eventually he would leave her side. But not yet. Not until he said goodbye. Not until he wished her well on her next journey. Their story flowed out of him, turning the clear dome he’d surrounded them in, into a landscape of pictures, of art, of them. He didn’t care that his people could see the story of their lord falling in love. Didn’t care when Styxx sent them away, didn’t care that if he didn’t he may be overwhelmed. 

He wanted them to come.

And they did. He wasn’t sure how long it was until they did but he felt the earth heaving around him, felt Styxx fighting and he realized his friend was alone. Alone in this fight because Sebastian was injured, not physically but mentally. Stepping out of the dome of ice he’d erected he joined the fight, a skrimish, something he had done for centuries with any Seelie that dared get too close to his lands. It would have been cleaner to use his magic but he wanted the feel of their life draining from them. He wanted he tactile memory of it slipping away. They had taken his happiness yet again and he wanted to take theirs too. Hours, minutes, days, he didn’t know, passed until he was standing alone in the centre of the slaughtered Seelies, until he lifted oceanic eyes to meet Styxx’s.

There was no judgment on his friends face as Sebastian stood there dripping blood, as he panted clouds of his breath out into the chill air. Just a patient stoicism that Sebastian had always admired in his friend. He looked again at the dome, eyes darkening to the colour of the forest leaves she had loved so much. “Goodbye,” he whispered. Eventually his ice would melt, eventually the earth that she had loved would take her back. Straightening his shoulders from the slouch he met Styxx’s eyes again.

He didn’t need to speak, didn’t need to offer him platitudes. Styxx knew the grief of losing someone and so he simply walked beside him, the slow and long path back to his estate. To the lands he had thought were safe. She had been taken and he’d never known it. That was what rang through his head, again and again and again, trying to avoid the truth. That someone had helped them. That someone had betrayed him. It burrowed and squirmed its way into his thoughts despite his reluctance to acknowledge it. Like a thorn that had found its way into his flesh that he wasn’t able to reach but just sunk deeper and deeper into his skin. The baying of his hounds, the hounds that had loved her just as much as he had, was what he heard first. The warriors he had been with had carried the news back before he arrived and already he could see preparations for a mourning ceremony.

He didnt care.None of them had known her.None of them knew how much she would hate all of this attention focused on her.

But she had been the lady of this estate in all but a hand binding. They had been preparing, had been taking their time. They didn’t need to rush. They hadn’t needed to worry about attacks, any that had come had been easily dealt with. How foolish he was. He let Styxx lead him to his rooms, sat quietly as he ordered a bath drawn in his bathing room. He stared unseeing, trying to figure out who would betray him. Why they would do such a thing. He was good to his people, much kinder than many other lords or ladies in their court. “Why?” He murmured, the colours of his eyes rolling in turmoil, the question slipping out audibly as it blared through his head. No answer came, nor did he expect one. He knew that the only way he would get one would be to find who had done this. Tomorrow. He would find them tomorrow, tonight he would… he would….

He let Styxx get him up, let himself be led to the bathing chamber. He undressed as he was told and simply sat in the tub. The soft hands of one of her ladies maids froze to his skin, a cry of pain the only reason he noticed. “My apologies,” he whispered, eyes barely glancing at the young fae before looking ahead again. The previously hot water was ice cold as he sent her off to be looked after.

‘You need to get clean,’ Styxx spoke, eyes shadowed as he looked at his friend. Sebastian looked up at him, knees curled to his chest as his tattoo’s flowed across his body in a wave of despair. “Why?” The same question and an entirely different context. Why did it matter? Why did anything matter. The shock of seeing her was starting to crack and grief was pouring across his skin like scalding water. ‘Because she would not want you sitting here like this.’ It was a true. She wouldn’t. She would be chastising him lightly, teasing him into doing what she wanted without even realizing she was doing it. She would be reminding him that he was Lord of these lands and he had an image and a legacy to uphold. 

It was that that inspired him to movement to wash. ‘They will want to hear you speak at this ceremony,’ Styxx spoke quietly, seated in the corner of the room. “I dont care. Im not attending. She would hate it.” Rinsing himself he stood, grabbing up the cloths placed beside him and wrapping them around his waist. “They can wait as long as they want but I’m not going.” He didn’t —- couldn’t acknowledge that she was gone this publicly. He refused too. Storming eyes that rolled between different shades of green met his friends, defiance on his face. He was younger than his friend, but he was not a child, and the nod Styxx gave him, the assurance he would look after it, had Sebastians shoulders drooping. Tomorrow, or the next day, he would resume his duties. But not tonight. Tonight he wanted to be in her garden with his hounds. He wanted to mourn her in private before he had to put his mask back on.

“Thank you,” words that were rarely spoken from Sebastians lips. It was a debt given, and one Styxx deserved. He would not have allowed anyone else close to him. Would not have allowed anyone else to speak to him as Styxx had. It was a gratefulness for reminding him of Circe, and how she had been, not how he had seen her. Cold, still, those dark eyes that he could drown in closed forever. The weight of the words settled over him, a shackle that he knew his friend would not abuse. Sebastian lifted his hand, a warrior’s handshake, grasping Styxx’s forearm with his hand as the other man did the same to him. “A debt freely given whenever you may need me.” The promise was a weight added to his shoulders, a weight he would gladly carry until Styxx was in need, and until he could return the favour some day. 

@myhiraeth // lord help me. here’s a meme. accepting. 

[bellaloona]

KPOP BIGGER TAG!

Tagged by @shineekeylover, thank you~

the title is no joke, this is gonna take me 3000 years to write bc of all the questions

edit: wow it really did take that long

also still trying to study for finals pray for me

1.) 5 favorite groups? - EXO, SNSD, Red Velvet, DAY6, LOONA

2.) Top 5 on your bias list? - Yixing, Hani, Sooyoung, Key, Kino (well the order changes a lot but the top 3 are solid)

3.) Ult Bias group and why you love them? - EXO were the first k-pop boy group that I got into, and even though many, many groups caught my interest after them, my love for EXO hasn’t gone down over time. I loved almost all of their songs from the first listen and they were the first group that I went out of the way to look up variety programs and get to know personality-wise. I don’t know I think it’s a combined thing of just having really cool music, funny and attractive members, and sentimental value that makes EXO stand out to me. :)

4.) Ult Bias and why you love them? - I’ve said this before but Yixing stood out to me since Call Me Baby (well he stood out to everyone back then bc the blond hair was a Look)! I love his little dimples and his really sweet personality. And his morals are so strong (I was completely done for when I watched the first season of Go FIghting ;-;) and don’t forget he’s so talented at literally everything. But the biggest thing is that he’s just a really caring guy, whether it’s toward the other members, his GF castmates, the 99 trainees from Idol Producer, he just cares for everyone so much and it’s very heartwarming. Also, my mom likes him and that’s pretty cool

5.) Favorite Kpop Meme - no one is ever going to top starbucks hyungwon and that’s a fact

6.) Favorite pic of your ult? (I dare you to only pick one) - I don’t HAVE any pics of yixing saved (bc I only save the finest of memes on my phone and he’s just not the memeiest guy) but there’s a blog called @happyzyx that’s just dedicated to pictures of him smiling and every new pic they post is the best pic!

7.) 5 Favorite Kpop MVs - BTS - Spring Day, BTOB - Movie, IU - 23, LOONA/Heejin - ViVid, Red Velvet - Red Flavor(as you can see I love pretty colors!)

8.) 10 Favorite Kpop songs? - ohhh boy this list is going to be different from the other one but I guess in no particular order: SNSD - I Got A Boy, 2NE1 - Gotta Be You, BTOB - Movie, Shine - Pentagon, Hyolyn feat. Changmo - Blue Moon, Say Wow - DAY6, LOONA/Kimlip & Jinsoul - Love Letter, Forever - EXO, Song Ji Eun - Don’t Look At Me Like That, Girls’ Day - Expectation

9.) Favorite Kpop crack video? - anything that valentae makes

10.) Favorite content creator within the fandom? - oooo ok so I just started following them recently and they’re loona/multifandom but @boratanical makes really cool graphics!

11.) What fandoms would you say you’re an active member of? - EXO, SNSD, LOONA, DAY6....NCT and Red Velvet on some days

12.) Take your top 3 biases- fmk - uhhhhh m - Hani, f - yixing, lovingly leave alone and not kill - sooyoung

13.) If you could be best friends with any idol, who would you choose?  - baekhyun i am free on thursday if you would like to hang out on thursday

14.) If you could date any idol, who? - tbh none of them, I just want to be everyone’s friend

15.) What’s one Kpop album you think everyone should have listened to? - Verse 2 - JJ Project, I cant believe you guys let that masterpiece flop

16.) Are you a soft or a hard stan? - I said I was 95% soft and I stand by that!

17.) An idol that makes you go into soft mode? - (g)-idle’s yuqi :(((( and by default, any idol that’s younger than me, they’re all my adopted sons and daughters

18.) An idol that makes you want to smash the empire state building with one single punch? - ong seongwoo and doyoung >:(

19.) Favorite vocalist? - AKMU’s Suhyun!!!! Her voice is so precious and soothing to listen to~

20.) Favorite Rapper? - Yoongi because not only is he an amazing rapper but I love his lyrics, also CLC’s Yeeun

21.) Favorite dancer? - NCT’s Ten

22.) Things you have in common with your ult? - we care about people a lot...and we’re Chinese.........we’re not that similar lol

23.) The most beautiful trait any idol can have? - physically, a nice smile. Personality-wise, I’d say openmindedness?

24.) Songs that will always make you jam along? - PENTAGON’S SHINE IS THAT SONG!!!!

25.) Your worst wrecker?  - see question 18

26.) Any kpop concerts you’ve been to? - SHINee World in LA last spring :’)

27.) Favorite choreo? - as of right now, UNB - Feeling, like that is a piece of art right there

28.) Favorite live performance? - that one BTS Go Go performance with all the hearts in it, that was cute 💕

29.) Favorite debut mv? - Seventeen - Adore U!!!!!

30.) Recommend a rookie group! - stan A.C.E you fools (also Stray Kids, Golden Child, UNI.T, UNB, Good Day, and of course, LOONA but I’m not even sure if they classify as rookies at this point)

31.) A kpop song you could listen to every day for the rest of your life? - CLC - Pepe

32.) Tag some cute mutuals you’d like to get to know better (and to do this challenge)! - hhhhh ok @yuniixoxo, @fatheartnut, @taenhoona, @sugassugarbaby98, @chunghart, & @therosiestpeach if you guys want to 💕

[othernecessarythings]

RAWRING 20s ASKS

I made some asks! Have fun!

1. Are you more emo, scene or punk?

um i think emo but only in music taste, i dress quite casual and stuff like that

2. Favourite band?

right now paramore!!

3. Any New Year's resolutions?

ye several, for example seeing at least 10 artists live, some different drugs and have over 800 songs on my playlist,, i like to keep my resolutions as actually possible goals, so that’s that

4. Favourite music video?

ooh maybe hard times? call me basic but i love it.. or like the short video of forest by tøp, where he walks on a street, ye that ones special too

5. Favourite song?

nooo don’t make me choose i love so many?? but like turn it off, graveyard whistling, ouch, avalanche, sudden desire, let’s go (khalid), ribs and like teen idle be kinda hitting rn ngl

6. Panic! At The Disco or Fall Out Boy?

um old panic, i don’t listen to fall out boy as much as i used to

7. Favourite album?

fight me but vessel and the black parade hasn’t got any bad song, and they will always have a very special place in my heart,, but right now? like nothing but thieves’ self titled, after laughter, amo and melodrama

8. Do you own a pair of fingerless gloves or skeleton gloves (or the combination)?

no but i wish i did

9. Do you own any band merch? If so, from what bands?

some, from tøp, paramore and bmth, but i only use my purple paramore hoodie

10. Got a jacket with pins?

i had one but then i took of my pins so not anymore i guess

11. Have you got dyed hair? What colour?

ye i dyed it black a few months ago, so it’s black/brown-ish rn

12. Any hair dying or haircut plans for 2020?

absolutely i’m going to cut it really soon, and i’ll probably dye it quite soon as well

13. Crush on any band member?

uh hayley williams i’m free on wednesdays please h it me up on a wednesday what are you doing next wednesday i’m free on wednesday hayley please

14. Killjoy name?

oo i haven’t thought of one yet

15. Are you into The Used?

no

16. Do you want any tattoos? Of what?

i’ve got one small, but i’d like a few more, like a matching with my sister and stuff but i don’t know any other specifically, just that i want it

17. Can you play any instruments? Which?

mm i’m actually quite good at piano, been playing a few years now

18. Favourite My Chemical Romance song?

oof there’s so many slapping songs, but like one from each album would be honey this mirror isn’t big enough, helena, teenagers/disenchanted, sing/planetary go,, and i am aware that’s basic but like there’s a reason why just those songs have become popular? they’re so damn good (and don’t at me with sing hate, it is a masterpiece and do not deserve the slanter i see on the tl)

19. Do you think Twenty One Pilots are emo?

as a former tøp stan myself can i say quite firmly that they’re definitely emo, but we need to re-evaluate what emo actually means, bc like in terms of the 00’s emo music? no, they’re not emo. they’re not like the emo trinity (lol), BUT they’re the perfect description of a modern emo band? so, no tøp isn’t emo in the old fashioned way, but yes they’re emo in a newer context,, and their stans are definitely emo i mean like come on

20. Are you into Taking Back Sunday?

nah

21. Do you wear any make up?

yeah but just casual, i’m always so amazed by people who wear lots of cool makeup every day, i could never

22. Do you have black painted nails?

lol ye always

23. Have you got any band posters? Of what bands?

mm i’ve got one with paramore that i like, and one with blackbear which is only because i likes the color schemes of it, i don’t listen to him otherwise

24. Do you want any piercings?

not right now

25. What's your opinion on All Time Low? Sleeping With Sirens? Pierce The Veil?

they’re cool i guess but i’ve never looked into them any further

26. Do you think it's just a phase or that you'll be emo/punk\scene forever?

oh the music will always live on with me, but how i think and express myself around the subject “being alternative/emo/pop-rock/whatever” will probably change as i grow into another phase of my life,, and like i’m okay with the thought of living my life in phases, and i’ll probably not be too ashamed of my current self a few years from now

27. Favourite magical/mythical creature?

i don’t really know any :(

28. Are you into Black Veil Brides?

nope

29. Do you like any newer emo/scene/punk bands? Which?

no not really i’m a quite boring music person in the sense of that i only listen to like the same five bands for a whole year,, so all the bands i’m listening to currently are releasing new music, but were created a while ago

30. What's your favourite music genre besides emo/punk\scene?

probably indie rock

31. Are you into Mindless Self Indulgence?

nein

32. Favourite Fall Out Boy song?

uh like i’m a slut for folie so like 27 or the shipped golden standard, but dance dance has always been a personal favorite

33. Are you mostly into the so-called "emo trinity" or "emo quartet" or do you listen to a lot of other bands too?

sigh i listened to both the trinity and the quartet a lot in 2018, i was a big fan of this whole trinity/quarter thing, but now do i just occasionally listen to some of them, but they’re definitely the roots of my emo path in this life

34. What's your opinion on Waterparks? Palaye Royale? I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME?

ooh idkhow are both emo/alt/pop-rock and quite new!! i forgot them earlier in this post! ye i love idkhow and their music, but i don’t really listen to waterparks or palaye royale

35. Are you into Bring Me The Horizon?

sure as hell am baby, love them

36. Favourite solo project by a emo/scene\punk band member?

right now is hayley williams solo project petals for armor a huge favorite of mine

37. Are any of your friends IRL emo/scene\punk?

um like kinda yes? or some of them have got the style but not the music, and some have got the music but not the style, so i guess it all adds up to a yes

38. Are you into drawing? If so, show some of your art!

ah i really wish i was creative but unfortunately am i not

39. Favourite colours and colour schemes?

red+black or pastel colors, i shift a lot based on mood, but my go to color schemes are dark blue and black bc i’m always comfortable in them

40. What are some of your favourite lyrics?

damn such a good question, i’ll make a separate post for it and continuesly update it with new lyrics!!

41. The Black Parade or Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge?

sorry but i’m a tbp fan, and you can’t convince me otherwise,, like i love revenge a lot but the black parade just hits different y’know?

42. What's your opinion on Paramore? Green Day? Blink-182?

well my biggest obsession right now is paramore so in short; i absolutely am in love with hayley, taylor and zac, the whole concept of paramore and of course their music+other content, even though they’ve gone through rough (or should i say hard) times

and i’ve listened some to green day, they’re really great and i like them, but there’s too much to get into and i’m not ready to be that much of a huge green day stan yet (will probably never be either) but i can absolutely casually enjoy their music and jam with their songs, without having to get into it any deeper

and for blink-182, i feel like they’re a bit too far away from my preferred genre right now, i will maybe listen to them in the future, probably not, but you never know anything for sure

so that’s all,, i love answering questions like this even though no one will ever read it and i’m cringe i know alright but it makes me feel happy so i’ll keep doing it

[stealsyou]

☾   cute character questions   ☽

THE  BASICS.

NAME :  eliza  josephine  ibbson. AGE :  27. ZODIAC SIGN :  scorpio. ONE GOOD TRAIT :  she  loves  children  and  is  really  great  with  them   !!! ONE BAD TRAIT :  everything  else  about  her  personality.

HABITS.

ONE BAD HABIT :  setting  aside  the  murder  for  smthn  more  Mundane ,  she  chews  Everything.  headphones ,  keys ,  bits  of  fucking  rubber ,  whatever     (   and  she  alWAys  forgets  to  bring  gum  with  her   ). ONE GOOD HABIT :  ummmmmmmmmm  she’s  pretty  devoted  to  her  job   ?     she’s  almost  always  punctual  and  takes  it  pretty  seriously  and  in  general  is  a  pretty  excellent  employee. ONE HABIT THEY CAN’T BREAK :  picking  fights  when  she’s  drun k  to  try  and  hurt  herself  >:|  like  she  recognises  it’s  stupid  bc  1 )  it’s  a  waaaay  more  obvious  to  Hurt  People  than  her  usual  murders  and  stuff  so  it’s  a  LOT  more  likely  to  get  her  picked  up  by  the  law  and  2 )  she  hardly  ever  actually  gets  hurt  jfc  i  mean  it’s  p  rare  for  her  to  find  a  human  that  can  take  her  and  when  she  doEs  she  ends  up  getting  herself  in  like ,  gang  fights  and  being  seriously  fucked  up  jfc. ONE THEY’VE BROKEN :  smoking   !!!     tbh  she  didn’t  take  it  up  for  long ,  it  was  just  a  few  stressful  months  but  still  she  tried  to  quit  a  couple  of  times  n  couldn’t  but   !!     she  stopped  eventually  i’m  proud. WHAT THEY’RE AFRAID OF :  being  powerless  again.  although  she  knows  realistically  that  nothing  like  her  captivity  will  ever  happen  again ,  there’s  always  that  paranoia  in  the  back  of  her  mind  that  makes  her  properly  Panic  when  even  a  LITTLE  power  is  taken  away  from  her.

FAMILY.

THEIR PARENTS NAMES :  david  ibbson ,  josephine  pink     (   those  two  are  her  biological  parents   ) ,     adriel  alexander. THEIR SIBLINGS NAMES :  felix  pink ,  babel  alexander ,  abigail  ibbson ,  arwen  ibbson. FAVOURITE CHILDHOOD MEMORY :  probably  fishing  with  her  dads   ?     it  was  a  big  thing  in  their  family  and  they  ate  a  lot  of  fish  to  avoid  hunting.  it’d  often  be  a  whole  family  outing  and  they’d  drag  josephine  along  even  though  she  hAted  it  and  was  always  cold  and  wore  like  twelve  layers  and  then  eliza  taught  the  twins  when  they  were  old  enough  and   !!!!     idk  man  wholesome  shapeshifter  family  fun. FAVOURITE CHILDHOOD TOY :  well  bc  of  the  vast  number  of  siblings  she  had ,  nearly  all  her  toys  were  shared     (   and  then  lost ,  broken ,  washed  away  in  the  sea ...   ).     she  had  her  own  gameboy  which  was  AWESOME  and  felix  had  one  too  so  they  would  share  games  and  play  together  a  lot  that  was  cool.  also  each  kid  did  get  their  own  spade ,  like  a  proper  nice  metal  one  and  eliza  loooved  that.  hers  was  red  and  a  lil  too  big  for  her  when  she  got  it  but  still  whenever  they  went  down  to  the  beach  n  were  making  sandcastles  she  would  do  all  the  digging  and  leave  the  actual  Making  to  the  others     (   and  she  dug  a  good  few  holes  in  their  tiny  patch  of  garden  in  protest  from  being  brought  home  at  dusk   ). EMBARRASSING STORY :  she  really  doesn’t  get  embarrassed  a  lot  tbh   ?     i  mean  she  does  dumb  things  or  makes  mistakes  but  they  tend  to  turn  into  either  funny  stories ,  bad  hangovers ,  or  Serious  Emotional  Trauma  so  lmao.  idk  tho  i  literally  can’t  think  of  a  single  one  apparently  eliza  has  been  spared  the  emotion  of  embarrassment  in  general  wtf. FAVOURITE FAMILY MEMBER :  felix.  HONESTLY ,  ok ,  she  really  does  adore  her  entire  family  and  misses  them  sooooo   fucking  muuuuuch  it  hurts  me  to  think  about  it  but.  man  felix  has  always  been  her  closest  friend  and  the  purest  lil  ho  ok  they’ve  supported  her  sm  and  made  her  passionate  about  things  she’d  never  even  care  about  and.  god  when  they  were  in  london  felix  was  her  entire  fucking  world  ok  she  loves  them  s o  mu  c h  it  makes  me  so  sa d  they’re  not  in  her  life  she’d  be  so  much  happier  >:| A STORY ABOUT THAT FAMILY MEMBER :  exCELLENT  ok  i’ve  so  briefly  mentioned  this  in  another  post  but   !!     so  felix  has  been  v  attached  to  the  lgbt+  community  and  their  queer  identity  pretty  much  forever  and  when  they  moved  to  london  felix  was  going  to  every  pride  event  they  could  FIND  and  the  entire  gang  was  dragged  along  to  pride  every  year.  highlight  of  felix’s  year.  and  THEN  this  one  year.  so  the  gang  are  just  out  and  about  the  night  before  the  parade  and  they  sorta  split  up  so  think  nothing  of  it  when  felix  and  a  couple  of  the  others  aren’t  home  the  next  morning.  BUT  just  before  they’re  about  to  leave  one  of  the  missing  ones  comes  running  back  saying  felix  is  at  fucking  hospital.

turns  out  that  last  night  they’d  met  a  drag  act  that  was  performing  this  morning  and  had  been  invited  to  join  so.  felix  got  their  drunk  ass  in  10  inch  heels  on  stage  at  like  11am  that  morning.  and  fell  flat  off  and  broke  their  leg  is  now  in  fucking  hospital.  the  gang  is  literally  about  to  leave  and  are  super  disappointed  but  eliza’s  like  u  know  what  nah  which  hospital  they  at.  drags  the  gang  around  there  and  storms  in  to  essentially  break  felix  out     (   who  is  of  course  still  hammered  and ,  like ,  crying  with  happiness  at  seeing  them  there   ).     they  cover  up  their  half - done  cast  with  glitter  and  rainbow  face  paint  and  CARRY  THEM  all  the  way  to  the  parade.  felix  gets  the  best  view  of  their  life  sitting  on  top  of  everyone’s  shoulders  and  is  generally  adored  by  the  parade  crowd.  best  pride  ever ,  man.

WHAT  THEY  PREFER.

COFFEE OR TEA ?  probably  tea  if  she  had  to  choose   ? SHOWERING IN THE DAY OR NIGHT ?  normally  like  4am  when  she’s  all  blood - sticky  Gross  :/. TAKING BATHS OR TAKING SHOWERS ?  showers  but  nice  bath  bomb  baths  are  ok. TV OR MOVIES ?  ehhhh  tv  i  guess  she  doesn’t  really  watch  either  which  i  Detest  her  for. WRITING OR READING ?  reading.  but  even  that  is  only  like ,  reading  on  the  tube  if  she’s  been  recommended  something  recently. PLATONIC OR ROMANTIC LOVE ?  platonic.  romance  can  succ. ICED TEA OR LEMONADE ?  iced  tea  she’s  a  starbucks  ho. ICE CREAM OR SMOOTHIES ?  ice  cream  om g  she’s  end  ur  life  for  a  flake  99  any  time  of  day. CUPCAKES OR CAKE ?  cupcakes  all  the  way. BEACH OR MOUNTAINS ?  B E A C H.

FAVOURITES.

SONG :  idk  it  changes  every  few  months  /  couple  of  years  depending  on  new  releases ,  but  there’ll  always  be  songs  she  has  amazing  memories  of     (   esp  from  when  she  was  in  a  band  with  felix   ).     forgive   &   forget  by  the  kooks  is  up  there  rn. BAND :  bastille   !!!     she  likes  a  lot  of  sorta  ‘ indie  pop ’  but  bastille  is  her  forever  fave. OUTFIT :  her  aesthetic  is  a  weird  bit  between  Very  Normal  and  Indie  Art  Ho  and  also  varies  a  LOT  depending  on  face.  her  fave  is  probably  a  big - ol  vintage  teen ,  high  ponytail  and  skinny  or  mom  jeans.  and  always  sneakers  jfc.  she  has  a  couple  of  pairs  of  converse  that  are  worn  THIN. PLACE :  the  seaside  in  general ,  but  the  coast  where  she  grew  up  in  kent  is  heaven  for  her.  she’ll  never  go  back  for  the  fear  of  it ,  or  of  seeing  her  family ,  but  she  aches  for  it ,  man. MEMORY :  there  are  so  many  from  her  childhood  and  time  with  the  gang.  new  year’s  sitting  on  the  beach  in  the  dark  with  her  family ,  all  freezing  and  watching  the  fireworks  over  the  sea ...  skipping  school  to  try  out  for  band  competitions  with  felix  and  playing  on  stage ...  fucking  sitting  in  mcdonalds  at  2am  with  the  gang  playing  drunk  irish  snap  and  making  the  employees  join  in ...  dude  i’m  sad  she  really  enjoyed  shit  before  everything  went  to  bollocks  ok  briNg  eliza  back  her  fa  Mi  l  y   !!!!!! PERSON :  now  her  family’s  gone ...  she  ain’t  got  one  lmao. MOVIE :  she  doesn’t  really  like  movies  i  hate  her  i  hate  her  i  hATE  HER. SHOW :  same  as  above  idk   ??     she  quite  likes  house  n  greys  anatomy  n  trasy  medical  dramas  like  that.  she’ll  watch  whatever  people  are  raving  about  tbh.

TAGGED BY :  @devotedecay ♡ TAGGING :  this  was  rly  fun  omg  @roseloved ,  @deathreflected ,  @caeloms ,  @verycivilofyou ,  dude  anyone  feel  free  to  steal  this

[annieoftheshitposts]

this post used to be a link to the old canons page but i’m turning it into a text dump of the revised one for people on mobile [or who have bad wifi/computers that the fancy schmancy script on the canons page wouldn’t play well with.] theres a lot sorry not sorry. here we go.

Canon Info

 Much more is said about Annie in external sources than the game itself, here's copypastes of all I know of and go by.

From the 3rd DLC Character Voting page:

As popular figures in nationwide folktales, a children’s television adaptation of Annie and Sagan’s adventures was inevitable. The show’s success lies in its pair of live action hosts, who are as convincing as their cartoon counterparts. Though what the public learns about the real Annie might surprise them. Annie is a seasoned fighter who has been around for a long time, acquiring many skills and powers along the way. Her sword is forged from a meteorite and can channel the power of the stars in its sweeping cleaves. Her right eye bonds her to her Remote Parasite and partner, Sagan, who grants her powers of a galactic motif. While some of her abilities carry more of a sparkly magical girl motif, Annie tries to execute them with the same sternness.

From "The canon info thread" on Skullheart Encore forums:

-Annie is several-century-old. Her immortality was gained when her parents wished on the Skull Heart so that Annie would never have to experience the hardship of adulthood, thereby making her forever a child. -She has had many different weapons and abilities throughout her life. - Sagan, her remote parasite. keeps her right eye in his mouth. - She’s physically not able to swear due to her condition - She is familiar with Double due to her experience fighting Skullgirls - Annie has encountered a lot of Skullgirls and has killed a lot, but not the same a lot. She’s seen the cycle multiple times and seen how they become stronger each time and is looking for the underlying source now. - The Annie of the Stars show is very similar to the Super Mario Bros. Super Show with live action segments with cartoons and PSAs and commercials in between. - Sagan can talk. Somehow. - Annie hides her immortality by getting a new hairstyle every few years. The show tells the audience that they have simply changed the actress. Eliza also pulls a similar trick

and finally some other misc. scraps that weren't covered above:

-annie has some kind of "super" or "powered up" form, in which she seems to fuse with sagan. it can be seen on her

move concept sheet, in the end of robo-fortune's story mode, and as a very tiny feature on one of robo-fortune's merch posters, but to my knowlege it's never really been talked about.

-she's been depicted with an "incognito outfit", presumably for going out in public and not being recognized by fans.

-sagan is named after renowned astrophysicist carl sagan. this isnt really relevant to anything but it's not on the wiki so i figured i'd share :b

-and this random pic of annie in the past with a different look, plus gun and minus eyepatch, apparently official art from the "digital art compendium". i haven't seen the source for this one myself though, and count this one more as speculative canon since that ingame image up there with her eye uncovered doesn't show a scar or any kind of damage from this.

-another canon fact about annie is she is strong and brave and i love her.

Headcanon (Annie)

this is pretty disorganized bc i come up with and revise random shit on a fairly regular basis, but the very least it should be all here and up-to-date. [though on this text post version i may forget to keep it updated oops.

she can still only normally see from the one eye in her head [and likewise probably has terrible depth perception lmao], but she can “project” her vision into the one sagan has if need be, during which time both he and her main eye are blind.

even though sagan’s vision is his own and she doesn’t actively “see” through that eye most of the time, the stuff he sees still becomes part of her memory and she can recall it if need be, though it’s far less tangible and kind of a surreal experience trying to do so.

the space where her other eye was is now just...space. like empty starry void stuff. yes, TECHNICALLY, you could put stuff in it but why would you. sagan can feel when something interacts with it and it’s really just weird and uncomfortable for both of them.as sagan is the source of their powers, the strength of her abilities is slightly dependent on her distance from him. something like long sustained flight is really only capable if they’re touching, but she still has ample firepower and ability to zip around for a pretty good range otherwise.

Not interested in anime

absolutely hates being called her full name; hasn't gone by anything other than "Annie" for longer than anyone that should be alive today should know.

part of her curse of eternal youth is remembering everything up until the point it kicked in and she stopped aging [i.e. when she was Actually a kid] exactly as well as if she hadn’t aged.

from that point however, a lot of it is hazy as shit aside from more recent times [as you’d expect from someone who’s been around hundreds of years]. this one's gonna be angsty as shit when i address it and you can thank @sandstriker for that. fucker.

also hates being restrained. by the concept sheet and beo's story, her fighting style is very kinetic and relies heavily on mobility; take that away and you get one very uncomfortable and very angry starchild. [this one's 'cause of y'all with the handcuffs asks. this is part of why she's so agitated rn.]

what's in the pouch? whatever is alternatively convenient. is it snacks? is it a quick incognito disguise? is it her whole entire sword? who knows. i think it might be infinite hammerspace in there.

i haven't put much though into this side of her story yet, but i've decided part of the mythos of the "annie of the stars" character as a figure of legend is that she literally lives, among the stars.

if there's enough folktales about her to base an entire show off of, i'm willing to bet she used to be less elusive when she was just about fighting skullgirls before dedicating herself to the whole "looking for the underlying source" thing.

Headcanon (Sagan)

tl;dr: as far as things go here, he's essentially a cat and/or younger sibling.

Sagan's canon information and characterization is basically nonexistant, so i got to do pretty much whatever i wanted with him lmao.

simply put, he's a little gremlin of a partner, but he is genuinely good-natured and a happy-go-luckly little dude. mischevious, loves to get up to Shenanigans, go off and hide/disappear to fuck knows where for several hours, climb and sit on tall things[or failing that, annie's head], etc. @sawkinator has described him, regrettably accurately, as "the Token Disney Animal Sidekick". he has a lot of mannerisms like an animal, but is still very much a being of at least average human intelligence. he's also surprisingly indestructible. far from invincible of course, but in canon he's been shown to be quite stretchy and...possibly have minor shapeshifting capabilities?? he's pretty much immune to being squashed and feels very little [if any] pain from most things. really, as far as i can tell he's pretty much a weird sentient plushie. like, if it's not going to damage a plushie, it's not going to hurt him; examples being: getting knocked back really hard or falling a long way? not a problem. fire? problem.

Sagan tends to be somewhat nonverbal and generally only uses a few words or short phrase at a time when he does speak, which sounds something like the voice clip below. that being how it is, he can be kind of inscrutable and more than a bit jarring to most people--though at this point annie's been with him more than long enough to be completely desensitized to it and doesnt quite get why anyone would be perturbed. fortunately, with that familiarity also comes understanding, and she can easily "translate" and articulate more from his expressions. this understanding is a two-way street, and on its other side is sagan's sensitivity to her moods. annie's not particularly...communicative of her emotions, but sagan can always tell when she's having an off day or something's bothering her, and is far better than anyone at helping her feel better. all things said and quirky antics aside, he and annie are exceptionally close and fiercely protective of eachother the moment it comes to it. they don't make a big deal of showing it outwardly, but they know they've always got eachother's backs.

he's taken quite a liking to beowulf as well, and beo defintiely shamelessly enables sagan's shenanigans.

as i see it, annie may be the passion and power of their operation, but sagan is the heart and soul. beowulf is like....comic releif and emotional support. not entirely necessary, but certainly welcomed to have around. yeah. listen im a big sap i just want them all to be good friends ok. i love them.

also sagan does like and watch a lot of anime.

Blog Canon

miscellaneous happenings that either have continued relevance/significance, or y'all just won't let die. there's not a overarching plot to this thing at all, but geez we’ve kinda gathered some history here huh?

taught sagan to say fuck [and other swears, in her stead]. he used to have to do it on command but he's gotten really good at filling in for her.has a

stoat fursona that beo helped her make. she thinks it's neat/cute but has no real attachment to it.

attempted to sue the crystal gems for ripping off her entire shtick [it didn't go well]

beowulf also taught her how to dab.

@sparkeletran is a nuisance and must be stopped

the 70$ pile of high school musical merch. sagan and beo both wear the t-shirts sometimes. she hates it. don't let her attitude fool you though this is actually the best and most important ongoing joke in this whole damn thing.

the first handcuffs stint. they’re gone now but they had a good ~30-post run, and she did take to learning lockpicking because of it.

this.

hey. guess fucking what lads. handcuffs ROUND TWO 'cause y'all just don't fuckin' quit. the first mini story arc sorta thing, in which she visits the cirque des cartes and has an aggravting encounter with taliesin. [currently ongoing][hopefully soon ending]

[[redacted for ""spoilers""]] due to said encounter with taliesin

sparkeletran is a nuisance,

"the official annie of the stars instagram is just cat memes but with sagan" it's canon but i haven't decided whether it's something she would have had already or a recent thing. [either way, hasn't been touched on yet due to the arc taking so long]

badart annie is sorta like her own thing at this point but nothing that happens with her is canon; she p much just shows up for exceptionally dumb posts. we did give her noclip though which is terrifying. on that note i may as well include the things that are Not canon but y'all won't let me forget

beo's animated belt thing. look. it doesnt talk.

spray-on boots.

the lawnmower weapon

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh homestuck