#i’ve been doing activities nonstop for weeks and even when i sleep for a good 10 hours i still get tired by 5pm

[blueseakelp]

crumbling under pressure, yet again

[celepeace]

A monster-taming game recommendation list for fans of Pokemon

Whether you're a pokemon fanatic obsessed with all things pokemon past and present, or a veteran fan disillusioned with GameFreak's recent adoption of monetary philosophies and strategies reminiscent of other major game publishers, or looking for a monster-taming fix as you await new Pokemon content...

I'm compiling here a post of little-known games in the genre that Pokemon fans are likely to enjoy!

Under readmore cause long, but some of these games really don’t get the attention they deserve, so if you have the time, please read!

(I am also likely to keep updating and editing this post)

First up is Temtem!

Temtem is a game made by and for Pokemon fans, from the spanish indie developer Crema. Temtem is currently in early access on Steam and PS5, and is likely to remain in early access until sometime late next year. Full launch will include a Nintendo Switch release, too. Despite this, it has plenty of content to explore before full release. The developers are active, release new content on a semi-regular basis, and are responsive to the community as a whole and individuals if you happen to come across a bug you want to report.

Temtem boasts a wide variety of monsters to collect and train. It takes place in the Airborne Archipelago, a system of floating islands that orbit their star, the Pansun. The monsters inhabiting the archipelago are called Temtem, or tem(s), for short.

As far as game mechanics go, it has many similarities to Pokemon, but also many important distinctions. The biggest one, in my opinion, is that the element of chance has been removed from battle entirely. Moves cannot miss, have the same power constantly, and status afflictions have an obviously displayed countdown to when they will wear off (for instance, sleep lasts as long as it says it will last. Not 2-4 turns). PP does not exist, either. Your tems can battle for as long as their HP holds out. In place of PP, a new system called Stamina exists. Stamina is an individual stat, like HP and Attack. Each move costs a certain amount of stamina. If you go over the amount of stamina your tem has, the deficit is detracted from your health instead, and that tem cannot move next turn. Stamina passively regenerates a certain amount each turn, and items and moves exist that can heal stamina. All battles are also double-battles, you and your opponent will typically have two tems on the field at a time. This is just a few of the differences Temtem has from Pokemon, but they're some of the biggest ones.

Temtem is also a massively multiplayer game. You complete the storyline independently (or with a friend through co-op!), but in the overworld you can see other, real players moving around and interacting with the world. There is also public and area-specific chat you can talk to other players through. Despite this, all multiplayer functions are (currently) completely optional. You do not need to interact with others to complete the game.

Overall, Temtem is suitable for the Pokemon fan who is looking for a more challenging experience. Temtem is not a walk in the park you can blaze through with a single super-strong monster. For one, individual tem strength is more well-balanced than it is in Pokemon. There are very few (if any!) completely useless tems. Even some unevolved tems have their niche in the competitive scene! Aside from that, enemy tamers are scaled quite high, and you typically cannot beat them just from the exp you get from other enemy tamers. You have to do some wild-encounter grinding if you want to progress.

Temtem is a very fun game and I've already gotten over 100 hours out of it, despite only 3/5-ish of the planned content being released!

However, I do feel obligated to warn any prospective players of one thing: the current endgame is quite inaccessible. After you complete what is currently implemented of the main storyline, there is still quite a lot left to explore and do, but much of it is locked behind putting a lot of hours into the game. You kind of have to get perfect temtem to do the current PVE (and this is also somewhat true for the PVP too). By perfect I mean you have to breed a good tem and then train it to get the preferable EVs (called TVs in temtem). This takes... well, for a whole team... tens of hours. Of boring grinding. Some people enjoy it! But I don't. Regardless, the game was still worth buying because the non-endgame content is expansive and fun.

So overall, pros & cons:

Pros

Battle system is more friendly towards a competitive scene

Cute monsters

Lots of gay characters, also you can choose pronouns (including they/them) independently from body type and voice

Less difference between the objectively bad tems and good tems than there is in Pokemon

Lots of stuff to do even in early access

Most conversations with dialog choices have the option to be a complete ass for no reason other than it’s fun

Having less type variety in your team is less punishing than in Pokemon due to the synergy system and types overall having less weaknesses and resistances

At least one major character is nonbinary

Cons

Falls prey to the issue of MMOs having in-game economies that are only accessible to diehard no-life players

Related to the above point, cosmetics are prohibitively expensive

Endgame CURRENTLY is inaccessible to most players unless you buy good monsters from other players or spend tens of hours making your own. However I must add that the grind is great if you like that kind of thing and is quite easy and painless to do while watching a show or something.

Here is their Steam page and here is their official website.

Next is Monster Hunter: Stories!

This is a spinoff game of the Monster Hunter franchise released for the 3DS in 2018. If you're anything like me, and you've played the core Monster Hunter games, you've often thought "Man, I wish I could befriend and ride these cool dragon creatures instead of killing or maiming them!"

Well now you can! In Stories, as I will be calling it, you play as a rider rather than a hunter. Riders steal monster eggs from wild nests to raise them among humans as companions and guardians. And yes, egg stealing is a whole mechanic in of itself in this game.

This game works pretty differently from most monster-collecting games. You do battle (usually) against one or two wild monsters using your own, except you fight alongside your monsters too. With swords and stuff. There's armor and weapons you can smelt to make yourself stronger. Type match-ups also kind of don't exist in this game? Except they do? But not in a way you'd expect?

The vast majority of attacking moves you and your monster use fall into categories reminiscent of rock-paper-scissors. Moves can be categorized as power, speed, or technical. Speed beats power, technical beats speed, and power beats technical. The matchup of your move vs your opponent's determines how a turn will go down. If one move beats the other in matchup, then the winner's move will get to go and the loser doesn't get to do anything. If you tie, you both get hit, but for reduced damage. There's also abilities and basic attacks, with abilities basically being the same as pokemon moves, and basic attacks just being "I hit you for normal damage within this category". Also, you don't control what your monster does all the time in battle. You can tell it to use abilities, but what kind basic attacks it carries out is determined by its species' preference. Velicidrome, for instance, prefers speed attacks, but Yian Garuga prefers technical. Stamina also exists in this game in a very similar manner to Temtem.

Overall this game carries over a lot of mechanics Monster Hunter fans will find familiar (how items and statuses work for instance). You don't have to have played a core Monster Hunter game to enjoy Stories though! It's fine and is easy to understand as a stand-alone.

The story has some likable characters and is rather long (it was actually adapted into an anime!), for those of you who enjoy a good story.

I'd really recommend this one especially. If it sounds fun to you and you can drop $30, just do it. I bought it on a whim and I got a few weeks' worth of playing almost nonstop out of it, and I didn't even get to do everything! (I got distracted by Hades, oops)

Stories is also getting a sequel later next year on the nintendo switch! How exciting!

And yes, you do ride the monsters.

Pros & cons:

Pros

Large variety of cool monsters to befriend and raise

Pretty lengthy story

Every tamable monster is also rideable

Deceptively simple combat mechanics, easy to be okay at, hard to master

Incorporates some mechanics from early turn-based party rpgs like Final Fantasy for a nice twist on the monster collecting genre

Cons

Many monsters are objectively outclassed by other ones, making what can be in an actually good team more limited than you’d expect

3DS graphics inherently means the game looks like it was made 7 years before its time

Here is the Monster Hunter Stories official 3DS product page.

And here is Monster Sanctuary!

Monster sanctuary is a game that just had its 1.0 launch- meaning it was in early access and no longer is! Although the devs say they still plan to implement a few more things into the game in future updates. It is available on Steam, Nintendo Switch, Xbox One, and PS4.

Monster sanctuary is a metroidvania twist on the typical monster collecting game, meaning it is also a sidescrolling platformer in which you use abilities you gain throughout the game to explore the world around you. The abilities in this case are the monsters you get! Every monster has an ability that helps you traverse the sanctuary.

Speaking of the sanctuary, the game is set in one. The monster sanctuary is a magically shielded area, cut off from the rest of the world, created by an order of monster keepers, people who befriend and protect the mystical monsters inhabiting the world. Humankind encroached too far on the natural habitat of monsters and were hostile to the native wildlife, so the keepers created an area of varied environments to safely protect and preserve the remaining monsters of the world.

Unlike many other monster collecting games, this game only has 5 types: fire, water, earth, air, and neutral. However, the types themselves do not possess resistances and weaknesses. Instead, each monster has its own assigned weaknesses and resistances. And yes, this can include things like debuffs, physical vs special attacks, and the typical elemental types.

All battles are also 3 vs 3! And unlike in pokemon, where you can only hit the enemies nearest, all monsters have the ability to hit any opponent they want. Turns also work a little differently in that speed doesn't exist, you just use 1 move per monster in your turn and then it goes to your opponent's turn. Your monsters hit in whatever order you want them to.

There is also a quite important combo system in this game, where every hit builds a damage multiplier for the next. Moves often hit multiple times per turn. Healing and buffing actions also build this combo counter. So what monsters you have move in what order really counts!

But the main mechanical difference between this and other games in the genre is how it handles levels and skills. Instead of learning a set move at a certain level, this game incorporates a skill tree, and you get to allocate points into different skills as you grow stronger. And jeez, these skill trees are really extensive. Monster sanctuary is a theorycrafter's dream. Each monster has a unique, specially tailored skill tree, making every monster truly able to have its own niche. You can make use of whatever monster you want if you just put thought into it!

And like Temtem, this game is not made to be beatable by children. I'm sure a child could beat it, but it's not made to be inherently child-friendly like pokemon. It's honestly quite difficult.

On top of that, you are actively encouraged to not just be scraping by each battle. Your performance in battle is rated by an automated system that scores your usage of various mechanics like buffs and debuffs applied, type matchups, and effective usage of combos. The rating system directly influences the rewards you get from each battle, including your likelihood of obtaining an egg from one of the wild monsters you battled (no, you don't catch wild monsters in this game, you get eggs and hatch them). If you're not paying attention to how the game works and making good, effective use of your monsters, you'll have a hard time expanding your team!

The music is also really good, it's made by nature to be able to play over and over and not get old as you explore each area, and the composer(s) really did a good job with this. Some area songs, namely the beach one, I especially enjoy, so much so I've actually played it in the background while I do work.

This is a game I would really recommend. If I made it sound intimidating, it is by no means unbeatable, you're just gonna have to put some thought into how you play. At no point did I actually feel frustrated or like something was impossible. When I hit a wall, I was able to recognize what I did wrong and how I could improve, or I could at least realize something wasn't working and experiment until I found a solution. It's challenging in a genuinely fun, rewarding way.

Pros & cons:

Pros

Extremely in-depth combat system

I genuinely don’t know if there’s an objectively bad monster in this game

Evolution exists but is completely optional, as even un-evolved monsters can be great

Entire soundtrack is full of bangers

Large and diverse variety of monsters to tame

Cons

Story is a little lackluster, but passable

That’s the only con I can think of

Here’s a link to their Steam page and the game’s website.

A kind of unorthodox recommendation is the Pokemon Mystery Dungeon series!

Likelihood is that everyone reading this has heard of this series already, but just in case anyone hasn't, I thought I'd include it! I would categorize this as a hybrid between the mystery dungeon genre and the monster collecting genre, because you recruit pokemon as you play and can use those pokemon on your team!

If you're unaware, the mystery dungeon genre is a small subset of dungeon crawler games where you progress through randomly generated levels called mystery dungeons. Throughout the dungeons, there will be enemies to fight and items to collect. The challenge of these games is mostly due to the stamina aspect of them, in that you have to manage your resources as you progress through the level. If you go all out in each fight, you will inevitably lose quite quickly. You have to learn to win against enemies while balancing your use of items and PP, so you have enough for the next fight, and the fight after that.

Pokemon mystery dungeon in particular is famous for its stories, the likes of which isn't seen often in Pokemon games. They are hugely story-driven games and are notable for the emotional depth they possess. It's pretty normal for the average player to cry at least once in the span of the game. There's lots of memes about that specifically.

This entry in my list is also unique for being a series. So, which one should you play first? It actually doesn't matter! Each storyline is entirely self-contained and requires no knowledge of prior entries. The quality of each entry varies and is a point of contention among fans. I say you should play all of them, because they all have their merits (though some more than others.... coughgatestoinfinitycough). They're mostly distinct for the generation of Pokemon they take place in. Rescue team is gen 3, Explorers is gen 4, Gates to Infinity is gen 5, Super Mystery Dungeon is gen 6, and Rescue Team DX is a remake of a gen 3 game but has the mechanics and moves of a gen 8 game.

My only real caution is that you play Explorers of Sky, not Darkness or Time. Sky is basically a combination of the two games with added items and content. It's an objective upgrade over its predecessors, and I honestly wouldn't waste money on the other two. 

I’m not going to include a pros and cons list for the PMD series because I’m incredibly biased and it wouldn’t be an honest review.

Next is Monster Crown!

Monster Crown is a monster collecting game that seems to take heavy inspiration from early-gen Pokemon games in particular. It is currently in early access on Steam and is not expensive. I learned about it through the developers of Monster Sanctuary, when they recommended it on their official Discord.

The game has lots of charm and interesting creature designs, and an entirely new take on monster typings as well. Instead of monster types being based off of natural elements like fire, water, electricity, etc. Monster Crown uses typings that seem to be influenced by the personalities of the monsters. For instance, Brutal, Relentless, and Will are all monster types!

It also captures a lot of the charm many of us look fondly upon in early GameBoy-era games. The music is mostly chiptune, with some more modern backing instruments at times, and the visuals are very reminiscent of games like Pokemon Crystal in particular. Monster Crown is definitely the monster collecting game for fans of the 8-bit era!

The thing that stands out the most to me about this game is the breeding system. Instead of one parent monster passing down its species to its offspring, you can create true hybrids in this game.

However, it is very early access. I would consider the current build as an alpha, not even a beta yet! So temper your expectations here. I have not encountered any major bugs, but visual glitches here and there are quite common. The game also could definitely use some polish and streamlining, and is quite limited in content currently. But the dev(s) seem quite active, so I fully expect these kinks to be worked out in time!

The reviews are rather positive, especially for being in early access. I'm all for expanding the monster collecting genre, so if you're looking to expand your horizons in that sense, I would recommend you at least give this one a look! I personally had quite a bit of fun playing Monster Crown and am going to keep an eye out for updates.

Pros & cons:

Pros

Charming artstyle, appealing monster designs

Faithful callback to a bygone era of gaming

Controls are fairly simple and easy to get the hang of (and are completely customizable!)

Cool breeding and hybridization mechanics

There's a starter for each monster type!

You can choose your pronouns, including they/them!

Cons

Inherent nature of being very early access means can be clunky and unpolished at times

Also not much content as of right now, see above

User interface could use some redesign in places

Here’s their Steam page and the official website!

Here’s an oldie but a goodie, Azure Dreams!

This is one I actually haven’t played, mostly because it’s really old and therefore only practically accessible if you play it on an emulator, unless you're one of those old game collectors. Azure Dreams was developed by Konami and released for the PS1 in 1997. My impression of it was that it either didn’t sell well or only took off in Japan, because it’s actually really hard to find any comprehensive information about it on the internet.

Azure Dreams is a monster collecting - dating sim hybrid. You can build relationships with various characters and can pursue some of them romantically, although that isn’t the main draw of the game. There is also a stripped-down version that exists for the GameBoy Color, which forgoes the dating portion of the game entirely.

Azure Dreams is kind of like a mystery dungeon game in that you progress through a randomly generated, ever-changing tower using the help of the familiars you have accrued throughout your adventure. Similarly to Monster Hunter: Stories, you yourself also take part in the fighting alongside your monsters. Each time you enter the tower, your character’s level is lowered to 1, but your familiars keep their experience. Thus, progression is made through strengthening your monsters. To obtain monsters, you collect their eggs, just like in Monster Sanctuary (which, turns out, was at least partially inspired by this game!)

Due to this game being very old and on the PS1, the visuals leave a lot to be desired... but if you can get past that, Azure Dreams has lots of replayability and customization to how you play the game. To this day, it appears it has a somewhat active speedrunning community!

If you don’t mind the effort of using an emulator, and like old games, Azure Dreams just might be that timesink you were looking for in quarantine.

Honorable mentions:

Pokemon Insurgence (or any Pokemon fangame/ROMhack, really!) is a Pokemon fangame that introduces Delta Pokemon, which are really cool type-swapped versions of existing Pokemon. It’s sufficiently challenging and has a lot of variety in what you can catch in the wild, so you can pretty much add whatever you want to your team! The story is quite good, and the main campaign is multiple times longer than a typical Pokemon game’s campaign. Download it here!

ARK: Survival Evolved is NOT a monster collecting game BUT you do get to tame and fight alongside a lot of really cool extinct species, including but not limited to the dinosaurs we all know and love. This game is genuinely fun as hell, especially with friends, but I must warn you: never play on official servers. I highly recommend singleplayer, playing on a casual private server, or making your own server. Here’s the Steam page.

[usedmeatsuit]

I want to kms, before you ask why. Call me pathetic, just remember everyone has different hardships and limits they can take. So let’s begin shall we;

I started dating let’s call them Paul. Well we started dating in may, things were going amazing. He approached me, wanted me. I’ve never had that before. So we date and he asks me to come stay with him a week. I did willing my! Well that week turns into 2 then 3 and after a month my roommate told me not to come back. Said I bailed on her so she wants me out. He willingly takes me in. Well while eating Oreos I fall for him. I mean hard but I didn’t tell him the big ilu first he did. I thought omg he is amazing! Perfect! Well boy was I wrong!

We are approaching our 4 month mark 9days befor my birthday and he decides to try and break up with me because he had a feeling. A FEELING! The feeling of this is wrong. Well after about two days because I told him it’s bs he can just decide to end it with no reason to. We were healthy no red flags. I can’t and still can’t understand why. Well we celebrate my birthday we are happy and sun comes and again he breaks up with me. And again I still don’t get why. He says the classic it’s not you it’s me. I gotta work on myself bla bla bla. I didn’t want to I was innocent with this man and I still am

Well we break up we live together, but he still tells me ilu and still kisses and nsfw activities. Makes me breakfast in bed cuddles it all just like we are dating. I was estancia until I would say something then he made sure to drill it “we are not together” you know how confusing this is!! Well fast forward to Friday. He had told everyone the week prior that we will be going to let’s say Portland for a romantic weekend. He was also going to see his baby momma. Well the whole first state we crossed he screamed at me the whole way. He has never yelled at me let alone scream before.

We get to Portland and go to his moms he drops me off to go see his kid but goes mia for 24 hrs and when he finally shown up remember I was at his moms. His excuse he fell asleep. I believed him tho we did drive 12 hrs before he even left. Well the whole romance was over he took me home I didn’t got to do anything that I wanted to.

Well Monday while he was at work a family member I had cried to on sat night messaged his baby momma telling her about me. She didn’t know I existed. Well that’s when he changed.

Screaming nonstop throwing things. He thought I was recording him and he snatched my phone yelling you betrayed me and cracked my screen. All because of his baby momma. Well he has been lying to both of us.

I’m crying I’m betrayed hurt all of it. Why would he do this to me. What’s wrong with me why and I not enough. The thoughts are continuing to play over and over. I over think. I’m hurting dying inside

So you see I was married twice first husband (now called 1) other husband is 2) he loved to do what Paul is doing now. Gaslight, stonewall, physical and emotional abuse. It was bad ended in the hospital. Well back to it he starts gaslighting stonewalling the verbal and emotional abuse.

Well he is bringing her here while I live here n is gonna make me watch him be”happy” this is killing me the way he is treating me everything I’m dying inside. I cry myself to sleep. I don’t eat. Havnt in 3 days now. Why am I not enough for him. Well now I’m trying to leave and move because I cannot have the abuse start again. He hasn’t hit me yet. But I need to it is not good for my mental health.

[lifebeginsbyleaving]

You Gotta Fight... For Your Right...

TO PAAAAAAATAAAYYY

Stiles was about to take the three hundred year old tome, that Deaton told them to be extra cautious with, and lob it right at Derek's little furry werewolf balls.

"I don't see why this is such a big deal Stiles!" Derek's eyebrows twitched with annoyance.

Stiles gaped and threw his arms out. "Oh, of course. Of course you wouldn't see the importance of being invited to a super cool exclusive party. Not you mister I have sex in my really cool car with my hot ass leather jacket on and could probably seduce anyone living with an eyebrow raise! Sorry some of us are lame and need to pander at Danny's feet just to get laid!"

All of the earlier annoyance dropped from his face and a cold blank one appeared. "I wasn't aware that was the situation."

Stiles scoffed and started pacing as the pack shot each other unsure looks. "Well, yeah man. In case you're just tuning into the Stiles show, I'm undesired as hell! So, I am absolutely going to this party. Summer heat wave and unpredictable omega passing through be damned."

Stiles started to walk away like he got the last word, but Derek grabbed his arm. "You have to stay to protect the pack."

Stiles rolled his eyes. "What, you don't think you guys can handle one weak omega? Are you slipping? Unless you need protection from the heat, in which case you'll have to deal. No matter how useless you all think I am, I have more self respect than to fan you all with palm branches and bring you iced drinks in a toga." Stiles yanked his arm back and gave Derek a sharp look before storming towards the door.

Derek growled lowly at him.

Stiles turned back and sneered right in his face. "Oh you know what sourwolf, eat me! I barely ask you all for anything. And after months of nonstop threats, multiple abductions, and getting an accumulative five hours of sleep a week because of research I think I deserve a break! One party. Marcus's weekend long bashes have been legendary since freshman year and a year after school this is the first year I'm invited to it. I'm going! End of story. And you-" Stiles jabbed his finger into Derek's chest. "Can fucking deal, or find a new fragile human."

That shocked Derek enough that Stiles had enough time to storm away and slam the loft door. Even him cursing as the force nearly dislocated his shoulder didn't snap him out of it. Derek only slammed his palm into the wall once his Jeep door closed.

He turned and the pack all had shocked looks. He took a moment to calm down. "There's a rouge omega out there and he's thinking with his dick!"

Lydia hopped of the counter with a huff. "He'll be fine, Derek. He could handle one omega with his hands tied."

"What about stupidly drunk too fucking busy with some preppy asshole?!"

She shook her head. "He's resourceful and perceptive, so probably. If you're worried about him being drunk though, Marcus makes sure everyone is safe. You have to hand over keys and phones at the door. Marcus has someone to drive if someone wants to leave."

He raised a judgemental eyebrow at her. "Him not being able to contact us is supposed to make me feel better?"

Erica hopped into the conversation, "There's a landline. He'll call if he needs us. Chill. Unless there's another reason he shouldn't go to a party with a bunch of drunk, attractive, and popular people?"

Derek turned away, but could still see her smirk.

Lydia had to put the final nail in the coffin. "Besides, Danny will be there. He'll take care of him. Really well."

Derek closed his eyes so they wouldn't see the red glow reflect off the window he was staring out. "Fine. Leave. Pack meeting over. Stiles can do whatever the hell he wants."

Derek would never understand why they all seemed so enamored by him. The entire pack loved him. It made Derek's skin crawl. Even when the sheriff met him mid supernatural fight and Danny took a moment to introduce himself he immediately loved him. He exclaimed about how there was finally a teenager with manners. Derek couldn't figure out if it was the hawaiian charm or what, but everyone on God's green earth that met Danny Mahealani seemed to frickin adore him. And somehow Derek's rare disapproval got out. Mrs. Thurnbury took him aside in the supermarket and patted his arm and said, "That Danny boy is a good egg. He helped me with my groceries. Be a dear and don't murder him with your eyebrows of discontentment." She winked and left and all he could think was he helped her with her groceries first god damnit!

They started to trickle out.

Peter stood up. "Oh, nephew mine?"

Derek sighed.

"Would your objections have anything to do with the Mahealani boy rejecting your offer to join the pack? Or maybe the corrupting and subsequent poisoning of the token human's liver that you find fault with. Or maybe the pounding that Stiles could get fro-"

Derek's fangs joined his threatening growl.

"From that rouge omega. Only if it were to show up to that party. Small chance though, as we said." Peter smirked. "So nothing to worry about really."

"Get out before I show you out. The third story window."

Peter gave him a consoling look as he passed. "No need to get so worked up over the boys rejection. He simply wants to stay out of supernatural matters as much as possible. Besides, I think he's got all that he wants from this pack." He dropped his voice lower even though it was unnecessary. "I would suggest figuring out if you do before it is no longer available. Or rather, he isn't." Peter looked smug as he sauntered out.

Derek looked up with relief to see that only Scott was left in the loft. Scott sent him a consoling look. "Don't take it so hard dude. It's just a party."

Derek felt frustration bubbling up. "Exactly Scott. It's just a party. And he goes and acts like that." Derek shoved his hands towards the door he had slammed like he was still waiting behind it. "He challenged our decision and the advice of the pack over a stupid party."

Scott smiled. "I've known him since I was four, alphas or not it was not our decision. It was his."

"He could get hurt. We were worried and he did that!"

"Did what Derek?"

Derek roared back, "He said he'd leave the pack! He said it like it was nothing! He said it because of that boyslut that makes him think he's not good enough! I'll never get why he-"

"Why he what Derek, wants to have fun? Blow off some steam?" Scott nodded pointedly to Derek's clawed and balled fists.

Derek unclenched them, realizing how out of control he was getting.

Scott went over to the table to sit down and Derek followed.

"Why do you think Stiles became friends with Danny?"

Derek deadpanned, "To get laid."

Scott gave him a crooked grin. "Besides that?"

Derek shared none of his humor, but offered silence.

Scott was undeterred and used to it. "Because he's fun. Danny has this way of putting people at ease. Like no matter what, if you're with him, you're going to be alright. He's fun and easy."

Derek snorted and nodded.

"He shows people how to be carefree and enjoy themselves."

Derek grew irritated. "Why are you here then."

Scott looked sad. "Derek, why do you think Stiles became friends with Danny? I think it's because maybe he needs that. He needs fun and carefree. He needs blackout drunk and mistakes you won't remember in the morning. It's a way he can lose control without risking anyone's safety except his own. Dancing to music till it's light outside might still end with your muscles burning in the morning, but it comes with less trauma than running for your life in the woods." Scott looked devastated. "He just wants something fun Derek. My best friend just wants to be a normal teenager for a few nights. I think he just wants to remember what it's like to be okay. To be carefree. And I don't know about you Derek, but I can't find it in me to fault him for it. Not after everything he's been through."

Everything wiped off Derek's face except bare grief and guilt.

"Do I still worry about him getting home, and if he'll watch his drinks enough, and what if he's too drunk and someone is too insistent yes I do. But at the end of the day he deserves a break. From the craziness, the supernatural, the constant looking over his shoulder, the responsibility, the hurt, and yes ultimately also the pack. He's earned it. With all the research, the sleepless nights, the-"

Derek closed his eyes. "I know how much he's sacrificed for the pack. I'm sorry I didn't realize."

Scott shrugged. "I'm not the one you have to apologise to. But then again if I know him, you don't have to apologise to him either." The heaviness was gone from his face, just that lightness that Scott's unending hope brought. "Couldn't hurt though, right? He'll spend the weekend worrying about worrying you."

*** Derek had procrastinated until the very last moment. He knew Danny would pick him up soon, but Derek couldn't leave the Camaro and walk the last final blocks for some reason. He heard a car coming up the street and his eyes snapped to his mirror expecting to see Danny. He huffed and swung open the car door.

Derek opened the window silently and stepped in without a sound. He inched closer to Stiles' turned back.

He froze as Stiles started to speak out loud. "Should I pack an extra shirt sourwolf?"

Derek was silent.

Stiles turned. "No opinion?"

Derek softly mumbled, "It's always good to be prepared."

Stiles smirked. "Oh I bet you looked adorable with your eyebrows and sash asking old ladies if they needed help to get your community badge."

"What?" Derek asked confused.

"Don't worry, I won't ask Cora for pictures in your little uniform. Scout's honor. " He held up the Vulcan salute.

"Pack the extra shirt Stiles. And a sweatshirt. In case it's cold."

Stiles' face melted to a smile. "Aww it's almost like you care." He turned back to his bag. "But it is summer. Ya know, hot as balls out?"

"You get cold easily. A slight draft and you're shivering like you're naked."

"Considering the limited amount of activities I do while naked, I'm usually very hot when I'm naked."

Derek scoffed, but turned away from Stiles to keep from taking off his clothes in his mind to picture him with a slight heated blush like the one Derek had right then.

"I do hope you didn't come here to argue or try to stop me."

Derek shook his head, but then spoke, "No."

Stiles zipped his bag and turned. "Well, that clears everything up. Is it the omega?" He was still playful, but a hint of worry worked it's way in.

Derek turned quickly. "No. If we have to, we'll deal with that. I-I just came to wish you a good weekend." Derek attempt a small smile.

Stiles raised an eyebrow and put what was in his hands down. "Are you alright? Do you smell toast? What's that thing you're doing on your face? Do I need to call Deaton? I'm sure he's got like a magical milkbone that could fix whatever's wrong with your face."

Derek's face changed to a genuine smile and Stiles' eyes gleamed as the corners of his mouth also lifted.

"I'm sorry."

Stiles turned back away. Derek would take that as a bad sign, but he knew how well Stiles knew him. He knew Derek wasn't good with apologizing. He was giving him space. "It's okay sourwolf. I'm sorry too."

"For what?" Derek looked at the hands nervously folding and unfolding a flannel.

"You know what for. I should never have said that. I knew how it would effect you. You know I would always fight to be a part of the pack."

"And you know you would never have to. We know and appreciate how much you do. Even if we forget to show it."

Stiles turned back with earnestness in his eyes. "Thank you sourwolf. It means a lot."

Derek forced himself to look back into his wide brown eyes. "You mean a lot. To the pack. For all that you do."

"I would do anything, for the pack." His lips stretched into a lazy smile. "I have to finish packing." He made no effort to move away.

"I should head back." He hesitated slightly before heading to the window.

It was a few moments after Stiles heard him jump down, but he knew he would hear him. "Thank you Derek. Have a good weekend."

***

Derek was not having a good weekend.

He didn't even want to talk about yesterday and today wasn't going much better.

He sat on his couch reading a book and listening to music. After he flipped each page he'd check the time in his phone. Normally he'd be busy with something, but he had already made supper, did a long workout, and showered. Usually he enjoyed his down time, but it was too quiet. He flicked on the TV and turned his page just to turn it back to actually read what was on the page this time.

He sighed and scrubbed a hand down his face after having to reread the first paragraph for the third time. He laid his head on the back of the couch and stared up at the ceiling.

The door flung open and a loudly laughing Erica walked in and Derek had enough.

"Just for one night can I have some peace! You haven't let me focus all day! How can three people be so loud!"

He finally looked over and his harshness faded seeing their shocked faces and arms filled with bags.

Isaac meekly spoke, "Uh Derek, we've been at the mall all day."

Derek closed his eyes. He vaguely remembered being home alone all day. "Right. Sorry."

Erica recovered the fastest. "Okay grumpy pants what's got your tail in a twist?" She shoved the bags onto a chair and plopped down beside him.

"Nothing. I'm fine."

She raised an eyebrow. "Right. And yelling at three pups who have done absolutely nothing wrong all day qualifies as okay? Maybe a couple years back, but not now. Spill the kibble."

He raised an eyebrow back at her.

She rolled her eyes. "Okay moderately nothing wrong. Stop deflecting."

"The omega still isn't dealt with and S-"

"Stiles is at a party?" She looked amused.

"No. And Scott's approach of giving them the benefit of the doubt and allowing them to pass through isn't exactly comforting."

"Right, sure. I completely agree that is what's wrong with you." She got up. "Boyd, come and have a conversation with mister ignore the real problem till it goes away."

Isaac piped up, "He'll do it when he's ready guys."

He dutifully walked over and placed a hand on his shoulder from the other side of the couch. "Go and see if he's okay if that's what you have to do." He walked away.

Derek hated his betas some days. Erica because she was so smug, Boyd because he was so correct, and Isaac because he was so supportingly encouraging.

He mostly hated Erica though.

***

It was another twenty minutes and they had all settled in. Erica had put on new pjs and commendered the TV. Isaac had turned off his music and Boyd had asked him about his book and he just tossed it over. He couldn't even remember the title.

He heard them before they slid the door open and didn't bother to move. As soon as he saw their expression though, he stood quickly. "What happened?" His heart was thundering already.

"The sheriff found a body. He wants us to check it out. Before he rules it an animal attack." Scott gave him a concerned look.

Allison spoke up next from where she was linked to Scott's arm. "The sheriff will probably call you soon."

Derek calmed slightly. "Take them with you. You and Allison can check out the body, see if you can figure out what happened, then if you can find a trail. The betas will fan out from the crime scene and see if they can find anything else."

Scott nodded. "And what are you going to do?"

Derek's phone started to ring and he eagerly checked the screen. "If you were an out of control omega and were lost in the woods, what would you be attracted to?" He answered the call and headed to his room to get changed. "Hello sheriff."

Scott muttered mostly to himself. "The loud party in the middle of the preserve with a bunch of drunk people."

Scott and Allison waited for the three of them to get changed, but Derek was grabbing his jacket on the way out before they were ready.

Derek was reaching for the door when Scott put a hand on his shoulder. "He'll be fine. We'll call with any information."

*** Despite Scott's reassurance he broke every speed limit on the way there. He had been searching the mass of sweaty dancing bodies for several minutes, unable to make his way upstairs yet in case of what he might interrupt. The bright flashing lights were already making him nauseous.

He got a phone call and made a break for the kitchen. He still had trouble hearing the call over the booming music, but he managed to gleam that Allison identified the body as a hunter. One with a tentative understanding of the code at best. They figured the omega was being tracked by the hunter and it was self defense. Scott called the betas and asked them to check and make sure the omega was okay, but they were no longer looking at a bloodthirsty killer and just a scared omega.

He ended the call with some relief, till he realized he had no reason to be here anymore. No reason to take Stiles back.

He took a cup from the kitchen, and despite knowing it wouldn't do anything chugged it.

If he was here he might as well check in on Stiles and let him know what happened.

He shoved his way back into the main dancing area knowing that was the best place to find him. He was near a corner when someone approached him from the side and grabbed his arm. He tensed and turned ready to strike, but not obviously.

It was Danny and somehow that made him bristle further.

Danny shouted into his ear, "Are you looking for Stiles?"

Derek clenched his jaw and nodded.

"Is it serious?"

Derek shook his head.

Danny's face morphed to a flirtatious smile. "Then stay awhile." His hand started to tighten slightly around his bicep. "Wanna dance? Or not dance?" He looked towards a dark hallway that made Derek finally grateful to not be able to hear.

Derek yanked his arm back. "I don't know if Stiles would like that." He paired it with the most murderous brows he had.

Danny's eyebrows furrowed. "I didn't think you guys were-"

"We're not. You are."

Danny laughed. "Yeah, we messed around in the beginning. Now we both decided we're better as just friends."

Derek still remained cold. "I have to find Stiles."

"Are you sure, because he looks a little busy." Danny pointed to a spastic drunk yelling and surrounded by laughing preppy vultures. One particular asshole was practically stuck to Stiles' back as they writhed to the music. He was very handsy and Stiles didn't even seem to notice. Danny spoke again, but Derek didn't turn. "We could be busy too. I'll even let you keep up the bad boy gruff act, I like it a little rough big bad alpha."

At that Derek turned back and took threatening steps forward till Danny pressed himself against the wall with a smirk. Derek flashed his eyes and bared his fangs. Danny's smirk fell and fear flashed across his face. "It's not an act. Thanks for the offer." Derek stalked to the other side of the room careful to avoid catching Stiles' attention.

"Whooooo! Body shotssssss!" Stiles' missing shirt and already sticky collarbones told Derek this was probably not anyone's first shot. A girl with messy red hair started pouring liquor into the divots above Stiles' collarbone. The crowd around them started chanting the word shots. The redhead moved to one side and handsy asshole moved to the other. As soon as they started to lick out the alcohol the crowd cheered. They both started to kiss up the sides of Stiles' neck and as Stiles relaxed his shoulders a few droplets rained down just like the blood from Derek's palms. They were clenched so hard his claws dug into them as he watched the two strangers lay claim to Stiles' neck.

Handsy asshole started to move down Stiles' body to a stray drop that was making its way towards Stiles' nipple. Derek was across the room before he even realized it.

Stiles' look of enjoyment and pure glee faded to one of confusion. "Derek? What are you doing here?"

Stiles pushed both people back to allow them room to talk and put his shirt back on. Derek instantly shoved into the space handsy asshole had previously filled. "I have to talk to you."

Stiles sobered. "Is it about the pack?"

Derek looked at those around them and handsy asshole trying to worm his way back over. "Not here."

Derek looked down and saw Stiles intertwining their hands. "We went through the crowd to get a beer three hours ago and I haven't seen Danny since. You can hold my hand for like two minutes sourwolf."

Derek nodded and just as they turned to leave handsy asshole grabbed Stiles' other arm. "Heyyyy where ya goin? We're havin fuuuun."

"I'll be back." Derek couldn't help narrowing his eyes at those words.

"What iv I wanna nother shot?" He threw in a look that supposedly was seductive. Derek thought it looked like he was taking a shit while looking directly at the sun.

Stiles let go of Derek's hand. He smiled at the man and kissed him. The man was so enthusiastic and fond of ass groping Derek looked away in disgust. "Then find Hannah till I get back."

Stiles grabbed Derek's hand again and started to pull away, but the man nearly yanked him out of Derek's grip. "But I want you Mickyyyy!"

Derek pulled Stiles behind himself and growled right in his face, "That is NOT his name!"

The man just scoffed and looked towards Stiles. "This your boytoy Micky? Hes rude, and wrong." His voice went to a stage whisper. "He doesn't even know your real name. How imporant can he be? Staaayyy!"

Derek turned with a sharp look towards Stiles. "You told him your name?! Him!?"

Stiles looked to be searching the air around him. "To be fair I got here around ten and they greeted me at the door with three shots of vodka. I don't remember the hours between twelve and two yesterday. If someone asked I probably would've told them my social security number. Today is strictly beer and a slight buzz day."

Derek held firmly to Stiles' hand as they moved away and handsy asshole started to object, "You said you'd blow me upstairs you shit!"

Derek put his hand flat on the front of his face and shoved him back with enough force that the high top table they had been using as a bar wobbled and the glass bottles on it clinked together when he made contact. Derek growled threateningly and flashed his eyes and teeth.

Derek got a small amount of pleasure from the scent of fear coming off the man. He was yanked towards the stairs by a hand that was gripping his tightly. Stiles finally found an empty room and shoved both of them in it. "What, the absolute hell, was that!"

Derek rolled his eyes. "Oh I'm sorry for taking offense for you, since you obviously didn't care."

"Of course I care! And of course what he said was totally gross, but he was drunk! What's your excuse for wolfing out like that huh!?"

Derek looked away. "Damn it Stiles! He shouldn't have treated you like you were just a fuck!" Derek once again flashed his eyes and snapped his fangs, but Stiles just growled back and snapped his human teeth back at him.

Stiles huffed out a short laugh. "That's kinda the point Derek."

Derek turned to him with squinted eyes.

"Here I want to be just a fuck. I want to be dancing in the lights and have someone desire me. Maybe I want to feel like, no matter anything else, someone wants me."

Derek objected, "You have people that want you. You don't have to do this, the pack-"

Stiles shook his head and interrupted while pacing away from him, "Not like that and you know it. I don't care if all he wants from me is a fuck. That's all I want from him, so it'd be pretty hypocritical of me. Why should you care?"

Derek gave him judgemental eyebrows. "Well sorry for hoping you had self respect. Next time I won't get in the way of you getting dick."

Stiles went stock still and turned towards him with rage in his eyes. "Derek. Are you slut shaming me right now?!"

"Well if th-"

Stiles steamrolled right over him. "Because I don't give a god damn fuck who you think you are, you do not get to tell me what I do with my body! My relationships are my business! Who or how many I have sex with is my business! And alpha or not you don't get to make those choices for me! Because last time I checked you're not my fucking boyfriend! Last time I checked you hardly ever pretend to even like me! So back the fuck off and learn what place you have in my life before you lose it!" Stiles was fuming and yelling right in his face by the end of it.

All of his need to argue flooded out of him and Derek put his hands up. He tried to put his hand on Stiles' arm, but he pulled away and stalked to the other side of the room with his arms crossed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that you were a slut."

Stiles squinted at him with malice.

"Okay, maybe I implied you were a slut, but I was mad and didn't mean it. I am sorry. I am pro slut power. Seriously, I raised my eyebrow at Laura sneaking back in come morning time and she yelled at me for two hours. Then she made me wear a shirt that said slut power for a week."

Stiles snorted and sat on the bed. Derek slowly approached and sat beside him. "You're pack. I want you to have someone that cares about you, but if that's not what you want I have to respect that and I'm sorry I didn't. I'll stop trying to stop you from going out with Danny."

Stiles nodded and was quiet for a moment.

"Derek? Why do you hate Danny?"

"Well Stiles, I believe you yourself said it was because of my complete lack of ability and hatred for doing anything fun."

"Be serious."

"Maybe for the way he makes you feel. Like you aren't good enough and you should be grateful just to fall at his feet."

Stiles hummed. "I don't think that's Danny. I do it with you too, I do it with everyone. I think that's just my own insecurities that I need to work on. I need to stop comparing myself to others. It's just hard you know? I'm a human in a pack of werewolves and badasses, it's hard not to feel inadequate. My best friend is a true alpha, and two of the people I have in my life are Danny Hawaiian god Mahealani and Derek Greek god Hale, so there's my self image shot." Stiles played it off with a laugh, but Derek frowned.

"Stiles. You aren't a human in a pack of werewolves and badasses. You're one of the badasses. I have seen you bash in a werewolves skull with a wolfsbane laced baseball bat. I mean sure you did throw up after..."

Stiles knocked their shoulders together with a chuckle.

"But it was badass. And about the god thing. I think you're-" Derek started to hesitate. His resolve firmed. "If anyone is a Greek god it's you. They say Aphrodite appeared both male and female."

Stiles gaped at him and Derek looked away.

"You couldn't be more wrong! I'm totally-"

Derek's embarassment turned to determination at Stiles' persistent doubt. "No. You really are-"

"Athena." Stiles insisted.

"Beautiful." Derek muttered breathlessly.

"Oh." Stiles cheeks colored.

Derek tried to deflect. "What were we even taking about?"

"Why you really don't like Danny."

"I don't want to talk about that."

Stiles squinted. "Implying that we didn't already, and that there's a different reason."

"No."

Stiles was silent still and Derek sighed. "I don't know. I think I just do for the way he exists."

Stiles snorted. "Harsh dude."

"Don't call me dude. And I just mean everything he does just seems so easy. He exists like it isn't hard, like he wakes up everyday knowing everything will be okay." Derek considered for a second. "He's like Scott like that."

Stiles shook his head. "No. Scott doesn't wake up every morning knowing it's going to be okay. He hopes it will be. Scott has seen and knows bad things can and will happen, he just eternally hopes they don't."

Derek nodded. "Yeah I guess so. And with Danny I think he's just never had anything touch him. He had a popular best friend, he was popular, attractive, likeable, good family, he gets nice things. He just goes through life like it's the easiest thing and nothing is hard. He lives like it's easy."

Stiles put his hand on top of Derek's. "And you envy that. So do I. I think that's what attracted me to him. We're both so used to having to fight so fucking hard just to have one good thing, and he just seems like that's all he has." Stiles laughed. "You know how we ended up kissing for the first time?"

Derek's hand twitched under Stiles. "How?"

"I was looking into his eyes and I just blurted out how much I wanted to kiss him. And he just looked at me, smiled, and then kissed me like that was the only logical thing to do. Like it was that easy. But Derek, sometimes it is just that easy. Sometimes we get a nice thing if we just tell ourselves there is more to life than pain and we deserve it. We deserve to go to parties and kiss people that we won't remember in the morning. We deserve to love people and be loved by people. Just because we can handle pain doesn't mean that is all we deserve." Derek turned to him and Stiles looked right into his eyes. "We can have easy and happy things too."

Derek's eyes started to go a bit shiny and he felt the urge to pull away, but he didn't. Stiles smiled at him and Derek's eyes tracked the stretch of his lips and before he could think of all the ways it was supposed to be difficult, he just leaned forward and kissed him.

There were a terrifying few seconds that Stiles didn't respond, but then Stiles' hands went into his hair and Derek tasted beer and something sweet. Derek put his arms around him and fisted his hands into the material on Stiles' sides. Derek started to think that maybe he could get a buzz from just kissing the beer off Stiles' lips when he moved one hand down to get under Stiles' shirt.

Stiles went still and pulled back with wide eyes. Derek instantly felt a pit in his stomach.

"Why did you do that? Oh God, why did we do that! Fuck Derek this isn't what I meant!" Stiles pushed his arms away from his sides and sprang up from the bed.

Derek felt like the action ripped a piece of him out. "I- I'm sorry. You are drunk and I shouldn't have done that anyway. I just-"

"I am not drunk. My decision making skills are quite intact, and- and I kissed you back. So I did it too. Even though it was a bad idea, I did it anyway. It's okay though."

Derek shook his head and got up and quickly started towards the door. "No it's not."

Stiles eyes went wide and he moved after him. "No. Please. Please Derek! It has to be okay! We have to be okay! Fuck I didn't mean- I didn't mean for this to happen!"

Stiles tried to catch him, but he moved out of the room and made it through the downstairs quick enough he was backing out of the driveway by the time Stiles got to the front door.

***

Derek got home and woke Isaac back up just to lead him to Boyd and Erica's room. He flopped down in the middle of their bed and soon enough they were all curled around him.

"You smell like a frat house and you're still wearing your jeans." Erica said irritably.

"I don't think Stiles and I will ever be friends again and I'd like to sleep so I don't have to think about it."

In the small amount of light she could see her face contort with sympathy before moving to annoyance. "You two are idiots."

"I'll be an idiot in the morning. Now I'm just hurt, and I need you."

Erica smiled softly at him. "I'm so proud of how far you've come. We've always been here for you-" She snuggled into his chest more. "Now I'm just glad you know it."

*** After a summary of the night before Erica once again declared him an idiot, but at least this time it was over breakfast and coffee.

They all moped with him all morning before heading out for some mystery errand. As soon as he heard Roscoe clunking closer he cursed out his betas and gathered some things before he sat on the couch to await his doom.

Stiles nervously paced outside his door for several minutes before cursing and speaking to the hallway, "You can hear me can't you?"

Derek set his mug down. "Come in."

The door swung open and Stiles walked in with wild hair. Like he had been running his fingers through it nonstop. A small part of Derek wished that he'd used the time he had to run his fingers through his hair. Just so he knew what it was like at least once. "I figured you'd want that." He nodded to the mug and pills on the coffee table.

"You are a god amongst men Derek."

Derek smiled, but then it turned bitter. "And I thought you said you didn't drink that much last night."

Stiles looked sheepish as he downed some coffee with the pills. "I hadn't. Not until you left. After that I probably drank half a kegs worth of alcohol. Definitely feeling it this morning though." He let out a weak chuckle.

Derek spoke softly. "Why are you here Stiles?"

Stiles sat down lightly on the couch. "I didn't like how we left it last night."

"Neither did I."

"Look, I didn't mean to give you the impression that that's what I wanted. Because I don't."

Derek tried to not break at that.

He really did try.

"I don't want to have you be a fuck. I don't think I could do that with you."

Derek smiled as genuinely as he could. "It's okay Stiles." He said it even though Stiles kissing him while he thought it was a happy thing they both deserved and Stiles thought it would just be a fuck did not make him feel okay.

"I'm sorry that you wanted that and that I gave the impression that I also wanted you to just be a fuck."

Derek's eyebrows went up marginally as he said that, but he quickly schooled his expression. Maybe they could salvage their relationship if Stiles thought Derek had just wanted sex.

Unfortunately, Stiles' face filled with shock. "Unless you thought it was more than a fuck."

Derek got up from the couch and turned away. Stiles quickly scrambled up as well. "Derek! I-"

"It doesn't matter."

"It does."

Derek shook his head and continued staring away. "It doesn't. Not if I want to be your friend."

"It does. If you want to be more." Stiles pulled on his arm till he turned to face him.

Derek's face looked openly hurt and broken. "It doesn't matter what I want because you don't want me. Stiles we don't get easy." Derek's hand started to lift, but it hesitated infront of Stiles' face. "We don't get happy." He smiled as his eyes held pain.

Stiles grabbed his hand before it could fall and pulled it to his face and Derek's hand instantly cradled it. "It's not that I don't want anything from you, it's that I want everything. I wasn't going to say yes last night not knowing that in the morning we would still be happy. And yes. We do get happy. And you know why sourwolf?" Stiles pulled him into a statement making kiss. He pulled back a little breathless. "Because we deserve it."

Derek looked at him confused and his hand dropped. Stiles rolled his eyes. "I don't want to just have sex with you. I want to be and make happy with you. It might not be easy though, but I'm okay with that if you are."

"Are you still drunk?"

Stiles pinched him.

"Ow! Okay I had to make sure."

"You jerk! I just asked you to be my boyfriend, the least you could do is say yes!"

Derek grinned wide. "Fine if I must."

Stiles matched his smile. "You're such an ass."

"Like you aren't annoying too."

"But now you're stuck with me." Stiles stuck out his tongue. "No take backsies."

"Nuh-uh. I'm yours, but you're not mine yet. I haven't asked yet."

Derek just stared at him till he scoffed. "Before I'm dead sourwolf."

Derek's eyes just filled with mirth and a gleam. His hand once again found the side of Stiles' face. His amusement died down and genuineness and love filled it instead. "Mieczysław Stiles Stilinski will you do me the honor of dating me?"

The perfect pronunciation had a lump forming in his throat and tears forming in his eyes. "God when did you even practice that." His voice was choked up as Stiles thought of him practicing his real name over and over till he could say it properly. "And that was so stuffy and proper. Like God what's next are you going to ask my dad if you can court me. Really it's just-"

Derek kissed him sweetly. "I believe the standard response is yes or no."

"We're difficult, remember?" Stiles laid their foreheads against each other.

"Still not an answer." Derek nudged their noses together.

"Do you really need one?" Stiles looked at him with clear love and adoration.

"Do you really not want to give one?" Derek asked smugly.

Stiles bit the inside of his cheek and held out for ten seconds. "Yes. God yes. I want to have your little sourwolfie babies. I've been in love with you since you slammed me into my wall. Or maybe since I saw your car, or your jacket, or your ass, or your face, or-"

Derek cut him off again. Stiles pulled back blissfully. "Or maybe the moment you did that."

"And I fall in love with you every time you open your mouth, and somehow even more when you shut it."

Stiles pushed him away. "Rude!"

Derek smirked then started to study his face. "I won't mind if you still go to parties with Danny."

Stiles squinted. "Thanks, but I'm sure I'm a one sourwolf kinda man."

Derek's eyebrows looked flat. "No, not for that reason. Just, if you want to go have some fun. To blow off some steam and forget other things, I trust you. I know you would never do that. If you need a break to chill out, I get it."

Stiles smiled softly. "Thanks, but I'm good."

"Stiles yo-"

"Derek do you know the reason why I would go to the parties? Other than to get laid."

Derek's eyebrows furrowed. "To have fun. And to be happy while being safe from the supernatural."

Stiles shook his head. "No. I went to forget that I wasn't. I wasn't happy at any of those parties because I was alone. And I wasn't safe there because I was alone. I just didn't have to care there. But here with the pack on movie night? I'm actually happy. Here with you I'm happy. The only thing that made me unhappy was that as soon as I left I felt like I was alone because I didn't have the relationship I wanted with you. Here with you I am and feel safe.   There's a difference between being happy and feeling safe and just forgetting that you aren't. You make me actually feel those things."

"I'm notoriously no fun though, I guess you can't have everything."

"Oh I don't know, you can be fun. Sometimes. On occasion."

"Once in a blue moon one could say."

Stiles laughed. "Very rarely."

***

"Stiles come on, the party is inside." Derek pulled his fiance off the picnic table.

"I know, I know. It's just..." Stiles looked at the front of the restored Hale house, and Derek hugged him from behind. "This is my favorite view."

Derek took in the awe and pride in his eyes. "Mine too."

Stiles looked into the eyes already on him and rolled his own. "Could you be anymore sappy and cliche."

"We've got the rest of our lives to figure it out."

Stiles groaned. "Ugggh make it stop." Stiles dragged him towards where their pack was celebrating at the party inside.

Right when they got to the front door Derek pulled him back and into a kiss. "I'm so happy we're here together."

Stiles hugged him tightly. "Me too sourwolf, me too." He pulled back and looked into Derek's teary eyes. "Hey, hey. We deserve this Derek. We do."

Stiles opened their door to a laughing and happy pack celebration.

Of all the parties he's been too, staring into the eyes of the man he loves, Stiles decided this was by far the best one.

A.N. Well I read through this once and did absolutely no editing because these last few weeks can eat me so here's this shit. Dldr. Much love💜💜💜

                                             Carter😊

[princessjungeun]

Nothing Can Pull Us Apart

Request: Hii, could I please request an angsty Yeji scenario where her girlfriend hasn’t come out to her family because they are homophobic but she’s accidentally outed one day and they don’t react well at all and disown her, but she knows Yeji has been stressed about a comeback and doesn’t want to add to the stress so she doesn’t tell her, which results in her distancing herself from Yeji, only worrying her even more. Angst with a happy ending please. Thank you in advance :)

CW: Homophobia, accidental outing

“Hey Mrs. L/N look at the pictures we took!” Your long time best friend, Yerim waved her phone around excitedly. The two of you as well as a few other friends went to the beach for the weekend, staying at someone’s beach house overnight. Your mom agreed to let you go only because she knew Yerim was going as well.

The mini vacation was quite fun, you took your girlfriend and Yerim took hers. As well as four other kids that went to school with you all, and Yerim’s older brother, the cool chaperone.

As far as your mom knew Yeji was just a close friend of yours, nothing more. But the truth was you and Yeji had been together for the past 11 months. The two of you concealed your relationship knowing your mother would probably make you break up, or worse if she found out.

You snapped out of your thoughts and busied yourself trying to unpack so you could just go to sleep. The sound of Yerim’s happy voice and your mother laughing along filled your house.

Not paying any mind to them you threw your dirty clothes in a laundry basket, and folded the clean ones before putting them away. Now was when you noticed the house fell completely silent.

The silence hung over for at least three minutes, as if everything just came to a stop at once. You had a bad feeling but tried your best to push it aside, deciding you’d unpacked enough for tonight.

“Y/N. Come here please.” Your mother’s voice echoed through the hallway. By her tone she seemed upset, slightly angry, and a little sad?

You noticed Yerim’s phone still in your mother’s hand, with Yerim standing with watery eyes next to her.

“What is this?” Turning the phone so you could see what was on the screen, your mother moved her hand closer so you could see.

It was a picture of you and your friends sitting around a campfire. Yeji was sitting on your lap, her hand laced with yours. You held your finger on the screen activating the live photo feature. Watching the scene flash before your eyes, the scene of Yeji kissing you on the lips.

“I-I’m...She’s um-” You tried to form sentences but you couldn’t. Yerim tried to interviene “it’s not that big a deal Mrs-”

Your mother cut her off “get the hell out of my house. Don’t even think of coming back either.” She continued to talk, her words laced with hate. Yerim grabbed your arm and led you outside, tears running down her face.

You watched as your best friend immediately panicked in front of you “Y/N i’m so sorry I didn’t realize that was even there...I’m so sorry. You can stay with me as long as you want, you know my mom won’t mind too-”

Wiping away her tears you told her “it’s fine...she was going to find out either way okay? It’s not your fault. I’m not upset with you. Come on let’s go to your place hmm?”

•

•

•

It’s been three weeks since you were kicked out and you moved in with Yerim and her family. They didn’t have a problem with you staying and honestly they preferred it this way. Finally you didn’t have to hide such a large part of your life.

The only one in your inner circle that didn’t know about all of this was the one person who mattered most, Yeji.

Your girlfriend had been so stressed out about her comeback these past weeks. She’d been getting up early in the morning to do vocal rehearsals and recordings, then dancing for hours into the night. You knew she barely had time to eat let alone sleep. So you knew for a fact there was no time for her to worry about you.

Although you had somewhere to stay and you were being well cared for, there was still a problem. On the outside you pretended to be unbothered. But on the inside you were falling apart. You’d become distant from most of your friends, not talking as much as usual. You barely ate anything, and what you did eat was because Yerim forced you to.

Laying on your back you blankly stared at the ceiling lost in your own thoughts. Your ringtone sounded, Yeji’s specifically, snapping you out of your thoughts. As much as you didn’t want to answer the call, you knew she’d worry more if you didn’t.

Answering the call you smiled weakly at seeing her face.

“Hi baby!” She excitedly smiled at you, her eyes curling into crescent moons.

You responded “hey...what’s up?”

She immediately noticed you weren’t in your room, “where are you? That’s not your room.”

Looking around you laughed “yeah I’m just sleeping at Yerim’s...”

Yeji smiled and asked “oh how is she, I haven’t seen her since we went to the beach a few weeks ago.”

Your stomach churned at the thought of the trip, remembering once again why you were at Yerim’s place.

Realizing you didn’t want to continue talking you replied “She’s fine...actually i’m really tired, I’ll call you tomorrow ok?”

The blonde frowned but gave in “ok...I’ll talk to you later. I love you.”

Smiling softly you told her “love you too.”

•

•

•

For the next couple days Yeji noticed that you had grown even more distant from her. You barely talked when she called you and from what she could see, you didn’t look good.

Usually Yeji was able to get you to talk about your troubles but this was different. No matter how much she pryed, you didn’t give in. Not knowing what else to do she called Yerim to see if she knew what was going on with you.

Yerim didn’t want to share what wasn’t really her business. So when she got a call from Yeji asking about what was going on, she didn’t know exactly what to do. As vaguely as she could, she told Yeji that you were going through a hard time. Beyond that she didn’t share any details, knowing it wasn’t her place to tell Yeji.

•

•

•

After weeks of nonstop work, Yeji was finally able to get a day off. So her first instinct was to call you asking if you two could see each other.

You were sound asleep when your phone went off, your ringtone jolting you awake. Squinting at the caller ID you slid your finger to accept the call.

“Hmmm?” You sleepily hummer wondering what she could want at 8 am on a Saturday.

Yeji asked “I finally have an off day... I miss you, can I come see you?”

Eyes opening wide you remember you still hadn’t told her you were living with Yerim. “I- Today isnt...I’m not feeling it today.”

She responded, her voice laced with sadness “are you sure?”

You felt your heart break upon hearing her response so quickly you told her “i’ll come to you ok? Maybe seeing you will make me feel better...”

Giving in you replied “yeah I’ll be over in a bit okay?” As much as you didn’t want to get out of bed, you knew Yeji would come to you if you didn’t show up in the next hour.

•

•

•

Knocking gently on the front door to her dorm you practiced a fake smile. The door swung open, Yuna standing in her pajamas half asleep.

“Y/N unnie! Are you okay? You look...off.” The girl rubbed her eyes sleepily while oncing you over. Before you could respond Yeji came from around the corner, a smile on her face.

“Yuna-yah, be nice!” Your girlfriend scolded the younger girl.

Holding your hand she led you to her bedroom, closing and locking the door behind her. Turning to you she pulled you closer to her body, an arm around your waist.

Her eyes met yours before she frowned “what’s wrong baby?”

You wiggles out of her grip and shrugged your shoulders “nothing...i’m fine.”

Yeji told you firmly “Stop doing this to me. You have been so distant these past few weeks and you won’t say why! Everytime I try to get something, anything out of you, you just shut me out. Are you mad at me? Is that what it is? What did I do?”

Hot tears rolled down her cheeks, her voice cracking as she spoke. She took a deep breath to compose herself, wiping away her tears. “Just- Please talk to me Y/N.”

Realizing that by keeping everything in you did more harm than good, you were overwhelmed with a feeling of guilt. You didn’t want Yeji to find out and worry about you. But that’s exactly what ended up happening even though you stayed quiet.

Deciding to just rip the bandage off, you simply stated “i got kicked out...”

Yeji looked up at you with wide eyes “What? What do you mean? When? Why?”

At this point you just decided to come clean, not wanting to cause your girlfriend any more pain.

“Yerim was showing my mom pictures from the trip and in one picture you kissed me. She got really mad as expected and told me to get out and not to come back. So I’ve been staying with Yerim since then, her parents don’t mind either.” When you finished talking you looked up to see your girlfriend frowning.

“Wait really? I’m sorry...this is my fault if I hadn’t done that you would still be home and-” You cut your girlfriend off from her anxious rambling.

Running your hands up and down her arms you told her “It wasn’t your fault. She was going to find out eventually, and it’s fine now.”

“Baby why didn’t you tell me? I could have helped you...” Yeji reached for your hands so she could intertwine your fingers.

You told her “I knew you were stressed about your comeback and I didn’t want to overwhelm you with something that wasn’t as important. Besides I’m fine now.”

Your girlfriend pulled you into her arms “If it involves you then it is important to me. Don’t ever think that you can’t tell me something, or that you shouldn’t tell me. No matter how busy or stressed I am, I’ll always be there no matter what. I need to know that we’re both okay...right?”

“Mmmm yeah I guess. Im sorry I didn’t talk to you, I didn’t mean to make you worry.” You held her tight and kissed her on the cheek making her blush.

“So what do you want to do now?” You asked poking her side playfully. She wiggled out of your grip before pouting and saying “cuddles?”

She poked her bottom lip out and puppy eyed you while reaching out for you from her bed. You gave in almost instantly, not being able to resist how cute she looked.

As soon as you were in bed you let her be your little spoon, her head resting on one of your arms. You wrapped your free arm around her waist and pulled her closer.

A soft giggle escaped her lips before she mumbled “you know I love you right?” You responded “of course...and I love you too more than anything.”

Placing a gentle kiss behind her ear you tightened your hold on her, happy that nothing would be able to keep you apart anymore.

[flightfoot]

Do salt asks bother you? Not salters' asks but people ranting about salt ? Because It'll be rude of us not to consider how you feel about them you deserve to enjoy the show without us bothering you .

Eh... mostly I get worried when I get too many that I’m becoming too repetitive. The asks themselves don’t bother me. 

At this point I find the “Ron the Death Eater” syndrome that I encounter nonstop in ML saltfics - so usually against Adrien, Alya, and the class, though with special guest appearances by Ms. Bustier, Principal Damocles, and Tom and Sabine, in order to emphasize how horribly they’ve wronged Saltinette and how badly they should pay for it - to be INCREDIBLY triggering, as in if I even see the summary of or promotion of one of those fics, of those concepts, see it still being treated as good and well-deserved, it’s likely to bother me for the rest of the day. 

I was actually having trouble sleeping because of it like... a week ago I think? And I had a day to a day and a half during this past week, if I remember the timing right, where I just felt really exhausted and like I was on the verge of tears because I’d seen promotions of these types of fics, the ones that have been part of an incessant onslaught for over two years now. Whenever I manage to go a couple days without seeing them and just sticking with fics that show them caring about each other, especially ones that emphasize that Marinette loves and cares about Adrien, Alya, the class, her parents, etc, it helps, since that helps to counter the narrative that’s built up over the years. 

To some extent, talking about it helps. It helps to reframe and recontextualize this never-ending warping and hatred I see against those characters, and the plotlines that were built to allow for that warping. Unfortunately just telling myself to stop caring about seeing this nonstop narrative about how everyone’s just taking advantage of Marinette, what horrible people they all are, that the only thing that matters is that they’ve ‘failed’ Marinette and the sheer contempt for them in the face of that failure, doesn’t really do much to get it to leave me alone.

When I’m actively doing stuff with the saltfics, like the commentary I did on TvTropes fandom-specific plots, that takes a lot of the bite out, since it’s showing why those tropes, those plots, that complete warping and bastardization of the characters isn’t remotely justified, how wrong it is. Because it’s not just seeing that these things EXIST that causes me so much distress, but seeing how many people adhere to it, and how deeply.

I’ve ranted about this to my mom repeatedly over the years. She keeps on trying to get me into something else, some fandom or show or something where I’m not constantly dealing with this stress and anger and getting upset every day. Which I’ve tried to do, to an extent. I tried to run back to the Trials of Apollo fandom last year, see if maybe getting back into that might help me cope better with what was going on in the ML fandom, since all my fandom eggs wouldn’t be in one basket. But then bashing started cropping up in that fandom and people started going after Rick Riordan and I wasn’t only on the VERGE of crying thinking about that but full on WAS crying and it just... it wasn’t worth it. I cut ties with the fandom for the most part and just stuck with the books, which thankfully I enjoy as much as ever (which is a LOT. Seriously, best book series I’ve ever read).

Even just last week my mom was proposing that maybe I take up shop in whatever corner of the She-ra fandom that my younger sibling has found, since that seems less distressing. 

But it’s not like I can trade fandoms just like that. It doesn’t WORK like that.

Plus... well there’s a major problem with that. 

I LOVE Miraculous Ladybug.

I LOVE the non-salt fics for it.

Like, more than for any fandom I’ve been in previously. And I’ve been reading fics constantly for the past 15 years, so that’s saying a lot. I just enjoy seeing the characters hang out with each other and fall in love and just... look I’ve never been this invested in reading fics where the characters just talk or have a date, but I am with this fandom. I absolutely LOVE them.

The newest restriction I’ve added to try to cut down on the salt is not looking at the ML AO3 page when I’m on my phone, not even with filtering out the most prevalent salt tags. For some reason my AO3 account is weird and I can only get logged in on my phone by going through my email, which limits what tags I can set up and actually leave open.

Unfortunately that still leaves a ton of fics that slip through that Ron the Death Eater people that aren’t part of the five or so tags that I immediately block, and then there are many fics with nothing I can use to filter them out at all, especially if they were started before saltfics were recognized as their own genre.

At this point I’m really hoping that either people drop the bashing fics or I can make myself stop caring. I don’t know whether either of those are feasible.

[kindest-way-to-say]

okay so. i’m just gonna rant. about some pain i’ve been experiencing for a while. like, we’re getting into it

if anyone would like to put in their two cents, feel free. im kinda just yelling about my problems into a void, but im definitely not gonna stop people who might know what this is from giving me advice.

idk. my brains shutting down a bit.

TDLR: my left arm has been in constant pain for three days. it’s probably nerves or something. i’m very addled rn. i hate the world i want to sleep for a millennia. i also have had similar, smaller pain issues over a course of 4 months. i hate it here. i would very much like this to not be a thing, please.

so this story starts the mid may. my last month of school. i’m suffering through just to end this bullshit. but i notice that p much every time i have to do some slightly more than normal walking, some random body part of mine will just be in this sort of dull pain.

and i just kinda go. huh. okay. ow. and brush it off. this continues. it’s pretty minor, (like barely a 1/10 on a scale) but enough for me to be mildly annoyed by it on occasion.

go to two weeks before my school lets out for summer.

i get appendicitis and have surgery for it. i’m fine. that situation went better than expected, i was just not the most comfortable.

appendicitis pain traditionally presents in the lower right quadrant of the abdomen. right next to a shit ton of nerves. and the pain i’m going through starts to affect my leg. can’t really walk without alarms going on.

it gets better. i’m not like. comfortable, but i’m just taking ibuprofen a few times a day and managing decently. 3.5/10 pain level average.

but then, as i start going out and living life as a teenager in the summer (hanging out with one person semi-regularly, and doing weird family lunches), i start to notice that most times i leave the house, i’ll come back home with some pretty decent pain in assorted parts of my body.

like my back will hurt, which i just blame on my shit posture. but then it’ll be a weird muscle connected to my ankle or some shit when i am very well known for hating any and all sports except for hockey. which i don’t play.

so i’m not doing things to pull muscles, but i’m feeling twinges of pain kind of a lot. which sucks.

but i brush it off, now consciously keeping an eye on it and taking ibuprofen when needed.

pain levels steadily rise over time, but it’s still at about a 4/10 for the most part. there’s the occasional spike to a 6, but that’s not frequent.

keep going on to mid-july. every time i leave the house, i’m feeling dull ache/twinges in multiple places and my knees feel really fucking off a lot of the time. almost like if your knees were crooked or something?? idk.

but it’s still 5.5 on the worst day. so i just kinda hesitantly mention this to my mom. who’s used to me complaining anyway, but i make it clear that it’s been going on for a while, and it feels like somethings wrong.

and she says “oh yeah we can think about seeing a doctor.”

and i just. okay! cool. fun. rad. sick. vague pain. that’s my favorite activity. i love everything about this.

but i just grit my teeth and bear it. still doing the ibuprofen thing when my ignore it and distract yourself strategy doesn’t work.

now, end of july. trucking along. i’m at least in mind discomfort pretty much all the time. sucks. hate it. i’m concerned.

go to the 31. i pull a crazy all-nighter because i have chemical imbalances in my brain and shit just happens. i stay up for like 44 hours. wild. i sit at my desk for a while, drawing and i notice “wow my left shoulder doesn’t feel that great. huh. i have been sitting here for a while.”

so i go do something else but it doesn’t feel fantastic. almost like a buzzing in parts of my back and my upper arm. on my left arm. i am right handed. don’t know what that’s about.

go to sleep sunday night, i wake up to it just being worse. (also i have some weird circulation problems because of genetics. just random shit. no pain whatsoever. just funky.)

like wtf that’s a 4 right as i’m waking up. what the actual fuck. don’t like that.

but i was raised catholic so none of us talk to each other. so i just joke about my body organizing a shitty coup d’état to a friend and chalk it up to a fucked up muscle. but it’s like kind of moving?? a bit?? weird as fuck. don’t like it. still dull pain, but certainly something that pops up into my conscious mind like 10 times a day.

i didn’t do anything would result in a pulled muscle (trust me. my school is really intense about theatre and show choir. hard core choreography in everything that i practice 3 times a week during school+whatever play/musical) so i’m really just making excuses to soothe my brain and i know it. full denial.

i took ibuprofen the first and second day. can still tell it’s happening, but it sucks less.

yesterday i play a shit ton of guitar, and i can feel my upper arm cramping up and shit (which. oW. 5.7/10. WHAT THE HELL.) even though there is no strain on my left arm except for pressing my fingertips into some strings. no shoulder shit going on.

so i try to stretch out. no help.

and then the adhd medication instead of sleeping medication debacle happens and i don’t go to bed even though i actively tried to multiple times. i write a poem instead.

hurts mildly the whole time. it starts kind of limiting the functions of my arm. which. what the actual fuck. stiff, a bit seized up in especially bad pain moments.

i get focused on writing a poem and shit i only 20 minutes to get ready to leave for my appointment.

i forgot to take any ibuprofen, and it was already reaching 5.85 levels from sitting in my room.

in the car and in the orthodontist office, my left arm is completely fucking useless to me. half of my brain at all times is focused on like “oW OW OW OW OW” because it’s reached a point where i can’t really ignore it. it’s just there now. moving it isn’t great, it sitting in place isn’t fun either.

i’m at 6.5 levels. from the round trip of like 20-ish minutes, it’s raised that much. a lot of internal dialogue about it.

on the way to the orthodontist, i’m talking to my mom about it. she, sounding kind of annoyed, asks “what, do you want to see a doctor?”. i say “honestly? yes. it’s been 3 days nonstop. steady rise. there’s something genuinely wrong. i’m concerned about it.”

it feels like someone is poking around inside my arm with electricity or some shit. whole arm. shifting localizations and slight fluctuation in pain level. rapid escalation even just today.

i explain what it feels like in less wordy terms. and she says “that’s sounds like it could be nerve-related.”

it’s been three days. i’m exhausted. this has already taken a pretty significant mental toll, let alone discomfort level.

i have a high pain tolerance. i only started actively complaining about appendicitis pain the night before it exploded. that shit festers longer than overnight. i had been i pain for half the week before i said shit. and i just kinda sucked it up until i felt like i couldn’t walk without needing hella support.

but it’s really fucking getting to me. shit ton of weird tension, buzzing. just. constant painful buzz moving around.

i express this. “it’s a non-stop pain bad enough to be something i am fully aware of at any given second. if i stare off, im probably thinking about my arm.” and she kinda dismisses it.

it’s been like an hour, and i’ve gone up to 6.8 levels multiple times. based on patterns, it’s not just gonna stop any time soon, and i’m really good at working around weird problems like this.

like i said. pain every time i go out.

i’m good at hiding when i’m not 100%, but this is beyond me. it’s like someone’s just stabbing me with tacs over and over again. on my entire left arm and on the rare occasion, part of my leg.

i’m so genuinely uncomfortable, and i would this to not be a thing anymore.

[threeletterslife]

ChANA!! I had a weird dream last night where you deactivated your Tumblr and I was like TT TT luckily I wake up and go "ah nevermind"... but ngl I was still kinda paranoid when I googled your Tumblr today 🤡 also, i'm reALLY EXCITED THAT YOU POSTED FLEETING FOREVERS OMG I'M SO EXCITED TO READ IT!! Does that mean you're back from your trip (and if yes, how was it :0)? Also... I'm a little late ;-; but could I send in two questions from the ask game? F, K, U, and V? If you're no longer answering 1

2 them, that's okay too heh. :] I hope you're having a nice day! ~🌻

ok wait sORRY I'M A CLOWN FJDSLFJDLFJD FLEETFOR HAS BEEN POSTED FOR SO LONG AND I NEVER REALIZED UM- sorry I'm just going to go sleep now because my brain has been *fried* for so long now jfdlfjoeiwjlsidjfdslfj 🌻

AHHH A DREAM THAT I DE-ACTIVATED MY BLOG?? goodbYE 😭😭 good news, though! it's safe to say that um, that's not gonna happen any time soon! i have too many things planned for this blog at the moment!

aLsO HAHA yes my lil break is basically coming to an end since i’m gonna start posting next week again! after my trip from florida i was writing nonstop to catch up 😭😭and my trip was GREAT! florida is so nice omg. i went to key west, miami and orlando; key west turned out to be my absolute favorite!!

LMAO OF COURSE IT’S NOT TOO LATE TO SEND QUESTIONS!! 

F. Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it

omg this was hard. i’m very bad at remembering what i’ve written, so i had to do some digging to find a scene i’m genuinely proud of. (maybe it’s my own bias but my yoongi fics’ dialogue kinda hit differently?????)

"Why are you even here again?"

You pause. Actually, why are you here? You could've just simply walked away and never had this conversation with Yoongi. But you'd stopped. And now you're talking with him. You answer him truthfully. "I really have no idea."

Another pause.

"Are you gonna ask me to leave?"

"... No."

"Oh." You cock your head. "Okay."

The two of you stare at each other. A staring game commences.

But Yoongi blinks first, claiming you the victor of the little contest. "You can stay if you want."

You scoff. "Excuse me, I didn't know I needed your permission."

Yoongi throws his hands up in the air. "Do you always have to fucking pick a fight?"

"You're the one who starts them!"

"I didn't even say anything mildly rude."

—propinquity (law of seesaw)

originally, i was gonna pick an angstier quote, but i’m actually quite proud of this scene!! i think it really encompasses the ‘enemies’ portion of enemies to lovers, all the while hinting at something more (especially with yoongi suggesting that oc can stay with him)

K. What’s the angstiest idea you’ve ever come up with?

LOL the angstiest idea i’ve ever come up with??? HOW CAN I CHOOSE? at first, i was like, the exam. because, i mean, it’s sad. but then?? i was like... okay but don’t look back... but then no, because i totally forgot about where the colors fade. and then i thought about it some more and realized a whole ass before the looking glass exists. in conclusion, there is no conclusion 💀 especially because my angstiest idea is still in my drafts 👀👀

U. Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much

@jimlingss @inktae @readyplayerhobi 

all three writers are so, so talented!! i really appreciate writers who write angst—but the angst is so angsty that you can literally feel the words rip your heart in two 😩their plots, characterizations, obvious eloquence are just a fEW of their best qualities. you can find a lot of their fics on my recs page

V. If you could write the sequel (or prequel) to any fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose?

shit that’s hard. i’m not a huge fan of sequels or prequels so it took a while for me to come up with some ideas LOL. my number one choice, however, would be the sequel to game of temptation, by kina! i’m super invested in that universe, and ever since i finished reading it, i always wondered how the future events would actually play out

[writingfordayz]

See You There, -K

Ever since Lance almost died on a mission, Keith's been on edge and more rash in his decision making. When he doesn't know who to turn to to help sort out his feelings, he starts sending messages to a dead Shiro in hopes of finding peace; however, Lotor attempts to turn the team against him by manipulating the messages into a sign of betrayal.

“That’s it. I’ve let this go on long enough. You cannot continue making reckless, unauthorized decisions,” Allura scolded Keith as he peeled off his helmet. He was barely even listening while the team gathered around him, his mind constantly replaying the explosion he’d just nearly escaped.

“Keith?! Do you have anything to say for yourself?”She pushed as Lotor took a fortifying place by her side.

“I did what I had to do.”

“What you had to do? You broke formation to fly headfirst into their battleship! The plan was to board and secure, not destroy!” Although Allura was the only one yelling, it was evident by the team’s worn out faces that they were tired of his bullshit.

It’s hard to notice little things in the heat of battle when your heart is beating in time with the blasts and your brain is on autopilot, merely trying to finish the job alive and with little recollection of the destruction, you leave behind. Keith’s usually good at tuning everything out, but this time, the formula was off.

Keith’s heart had completely stopped and he became agonizingly aware of the fact that Lance was stuck in a tractor beam with a canon about to sign his life away. Lance never radioed for help, never informed the team of the cannon for fear that he’d ruin the whole plan, and he must have struggled in the beam’s grasp for a good two minutes before the weapon was fully charged, but it only took Keith a second register what he was about to lose and decide to plow his lion into the metal mid-blast. Screw the plan. If Lance wasn’t here, then what’s the point of anything?

Even now, Keith could read the guilty expression on Lance’s face as he tried to sink to the back of the crowd and go unnoticed. Just three weeks ago, he’d confided about his uselessness to Keith, in his ability to fuck up missions. Through tears and bloodied fists beaten desperately against the wall, he begged to be worth anything, even if it were just for a moment. Keith felt helpless then, not good with words and definitely not good with knowing how to handle someone crying, so he settled on a hug that lasted several hours and a humming that brought sleep. They hadn’t talked about that night since, but Keith vowed to never let Lance blame himself for anything again.

Looking Allura straight in the eyes, Keith confidently explained, “I thought the cannon was going to destroy the castle. I had to stop it. As for unauthorized decisions, last time I checked, I was the black paladin. I’m the leader here, so I call the shots.”

Lotor sighed loudly, feigning regret. “I really didn’t want to disrupt your family, but I think it’s best you know the so-called ‘black paladin’ has been lying to you all for months now.”

That comment struck a new fear in Keith, one he never imagined he’d have to face with his closest friends in earshot. He’s lied to all of them at some point, but always because it was better than the alternative. On top of that, he knew how easily Lotor could poison them with doubt; he chose his words carefully and only attempted it if he had evidence. It had worked on Keith before, but he felt the deception internally was worth the alliances they gained throughout the galaxy. A war can be fought with six soldiers, but it can’t be won.

Allura’s loyalty to Lotor was unwavering as she gripped his arm and picked up the accusation where he’d left off: “It’s true, he’s a danger to Voltron… a danger to the whole universe. We can’t let this go unnoticed.”

Keith was beyond irritated and beginning to panic now that Allura had verified his words, but he also knew that Shiro would tell him to be patient and focus. Taking a deep breath, he asked, “What exactly are you implying?”

“We’ve seen the messages. Every few nights you fly off to do ‘perimeter checks’, but really you’re sending encrypted updates on our progress to the Galra.”

The room was now a rainbow of statues, and Keith realized for the first time that black is unnatural in a rainbow; he sticks out in a way that diminishes the liveliness of the rest. He knew exactly what they were talking about, the alleged messages, but if they really saw all of the messages… His eyes met Lance’s for the first time tonight, but oddly enough they didn’t seem confused or upset. Those blue eyes had been stuck at high tide for weeks now, threatening to spill over, but now they were a raging storm.

“I’m not sure what it is you think you read, but Keith would never betray us,” Lance declared.

Lotor shrugged and said, “Well, fortunately, we have all of them, including the ones detailing your shortcomings.”

Lance shifted in place and crossed his arms to keep himself from looking anxious. The one thing that would completely break him would be Keith admitting what Lance had feared all along.

“As I said, Keith would never betray us,” Lance repeated.

“Then you wouldn’t mind if I read a few of these out loud,” Lotor said while pulling up a holograph of the messages:

Today we liberated some hostages and were able to provide them medical treatment. In doing so, we also gained a cargo ship full of weapons to arm the resistance. Be careful approaching the castle. Next, we’ll be heading to Arus. See you there. -K

“That’s enough,” Keith insisted.

“Why stop there when there’s so many more that detail your grim outlook of the team?” Lotor questioned.

Another political alliance was made, bringing the total number of planets supporting Voltron to 13. They are all significantly smaller than the Galra Empire, and even together they probably won’t be strong enough to win the war. Making a pit stop at Balmara to rest. See you there. -K

The team has been arguing nonstop and this makes us vulnerable. We’ve lost four battles in a row, and the yellow lion is out of commission. Stuck in the Javeeno Star System. See you there. -K

“I said that’s enough! These are personal.” Keith practically begged, activating his sword.

“If you’re as loyal as you claim, then you wouldn’t have anything to hide!” Lotor declared.

Lance was assigned a search and rescue mission, but in the process, both the hostage and his partner from the Blade died. He can’t perform basic tasks and is starting to drag the team down. Not sure if I’ll be able to find someone else to pilot red before the assassination attempt on the witch. We wouldn’t make it with him. Stopping for supplies on Pollux. See you there. -K

If Keith had known that’s what was going to be read to Lance, he would’ve stabbed Lotor the moment he landed in the castle, but he didn’t and now Lance looked like a mirror shattered in its frame, trying desperately to keep himself together. All the injuries Keith had gotten in space don’t compare to the pain he feels seeing Lance become void of all life, in fact, this moment ranks in the top three worst moments of his life including when his dad died and when Shiro died.

“Lance, I swear to you that I didn’t write that.”

For a moment it seemed like he couldn’t speak, eyes trained on the ground, until Lance quietly asked, “So you didn’t write any of those messages?”

“No- well yes. The first two, yes I did. But that last one I didn’t. I would never.”

“Whether you claim to have written them or not, you are sending messages to a hidden address. You’re explaining our weaknesses...disclosing our location!” Allura yelled.

“To Shiro!” Keith couldn’t take the accusations, the prying eyes, Lance's mindset.

“I write messages to Shiro hoping one day he’ll respond! That he’ll tell me what to do because I keep failing you, and I don’t know how to be a leader! That he’ll tell me not to worry. That he’ll tell me we’ll survive this. That he’ll show up while we’re collecting supplies and everything can just go back to normal!”

For the first time since he lost Shiro, tears poured out of Keith’s eyes as he tried desperately to hold back a sob to not look as weak as he felt, but it was that vulnerability that proved he was telling the truth. Just as quick as Keith had attempted to sacrifice himself for Lance, everyone surrounded Lotor with their bayards drawn. Even Allura, as conflicted as she was, joined them as Lance took the lead.

“Hunk, Pidge, take Lotor to the holding cell,” Lance commanded while his gun burned an invisible line through Lotor’s head. Lotor narrowed his eyes at Lance, challenging him.

“You will be the one to die before the war ends. I’ll see to it,” Lotor threatened.

Fuck patience.

“Over my dead body!” Keith yelled and threw his sword directly through the center of Lotor’s back. It clanged against the ground, dust particles dissipating and floating towards the ceiling.

“Where’d he go-”

That’s what Keith last asked. That’s all he keeps muttering as the ringing in his ears intensifies, and the smoke from the explosion clouds his vision. There’s someone yelling, but it seems distant and indecipherable. His eyes focus on a drop of blood that runs down his nose and falls to the ground, joining the small pool of red that had already formed. A lot of red is usually an indication of an injury or anticipated death, but it’s also a representation of Lance: passionate, fierce, and inspiring. Lance who stood up for him when no one else did. Lance who never questions his decisions. Lance who loves his family with every ounce of his being. Lance who can see the hope in all of the despair. Lance who has the most uplifting smile. Lance who currently doesn’t have a smile.

Keith was pulled back to reality as pain split through his head. Hands gripped him roughly in an attempt to stop the bleeding, and his eyes had shifted from the pool of blood to the red of Lance’s suit to the black behind his eyelids.

Several hours later after the fires were put out and the castle had been put on lockdown, Keith sat on his bed going through the messages he had actually sent to Shiro. Lance sat across from him quietly; he hadn’t talked since the explosion, but he wasn’t about to let Mr. I’mFineIDon’tNeedAHealingPod with a slight case of traumatic brain injury go unmonitored. Keith peered at Lance over his screen and finally spoke, “You know, you can probably put your bayard away now.”

Lance didn’t look up, tightening his grip on the gun; “I thought you were gonna die. Not gonna let that happen again.”

Keith frowned, knowing the feeling all too well. “I thought you were gonna die when boarding that ship earlier.”

“So you did crash into that cannon because of me!” Lance snapped, finally glaring at him, “And what was that ‘over my dead body’ bullshit? You can’t just die for me!”

“I can, and I will if I have to.”

“Why?! I get hostages killed. I get partners killed. I can’t perform basic tasks-” Lance was getting so worked up, his knuckles were turning white around his bayard.

“I told you I didn’t write that.”

“Then what did you write?” Keith could see how desperate Lance was to know for certain it wasn’t true, and he knew right then that whatever happens after he reads it is worth it if Lance can believe in himself. He slowly reached across the bed and slid his hand on to Lance’s. Rubbing his thumb lightly over his knuckles, he whispered, “Please put the gun down first.”

Lance stared at their hands for a moment, and considered not listening to him; it would mean this could continue, and oh boy did he want Keith to hold his hand forever. Reluctantly, he leaned the gun against the wall, but as he brought his hands back to his lap, Keith reclaimed one and held it tightly in an attempt to steady his voice before he spoke:

“Lance was assigned a search and rescue mission, but in the process, both the hostage and his partner from the Blade died. I assigned him this mission because I believed he was the only one who could successfully complete it, but after those losses, I never want to assign him a rescue mission again. I never want to assign him any mission. I’m so terrified of losing him. He’s my right-hand man, and I wouldn’t even be able to attempt to lead this team without him. He’s the only person who’s made me smile in years... I know this job is dangerous, and we all run the risk of getting hurt or killed, but I’ve already lost two of the three people I love, and I don’t think I could handle losing him too. That’s so selfish of me. I know it is, and that’s why I need your help. He’s hurting Shiro, and I don’t know how to fix it. You know I’ve never been good at this. Please help me...We’re still near Olkarion. See you there. -K”

Keith let out a nervous breath and looked back to their hands locked between them, trying to decide if he was unnaturally cold due to nerves or if Lance was always this warm.

“There’s more, a lot more, about you. I promise they’re all good, and you’re more than welcome to read them,” Keith said through a slight smile as he held the screen up for Lance to take, but as soon as it was in reach, Lance shoved it away. He leaned up to rest on his knees in front of Keith and carefully wound his arms around his neck.”I don’t want to hurt you more than have been...but I also never want to let go again,” Lance whispered.

[evilmortys]

Have you ever talked about/drawn/ have head among about c-136’s rick? His relationship w/ his family and morty? Is her better than other ricks or worse? Etc!

i’ve  never  talked  about  rick  c-136  much  extensively  come  to  think  of  it!  so  i  hope  you  don’t  mind  if  i  use  this  ask  as  an  opportunity  to  ramble  about  him  and  their  dynamic  and  their  dimension  in  general  a  little.  it’s  quite  divergent  from  what’s  typical  for  a  rick  and  morty  dynamic  in  places,  i  think.

first  off  i  wanna  lead  with:  morty  c-136  is  sixteen!  so  his  summer  is  of  course  older  too,  and  is  now  living  away  from  home  and  attending  college.  he  misses  her  a  lot,  but  they  still  call  a  few  times  a  week  and  bitch  about  their  parents  and  what’s  going  on  in  their  lives  and  bully  each  other  a  lot.  she  comes  home  sometimes,  usually  for  holidays  such  as  thanksgiving  or  whatever.  they’re  overly  sappy  for  a  minute  max  upon  reuniting,  then  she’s  kicking  him  in  the  balls  and  he’s  calling  her  a  dumb  bitch.

his  mom  and  dad  are  divorced,  and  have  been  since  he  was  ten,  so  jerry  is  not  really  in  the  picture.  rick  is  very  relieved  about  this  and  hates  jerry  about  as  much  as  is  typical  for  bastard  grandpas.  morty  was  sad  about  their  messy  break  up,  but  very  quickly  came  to  understand  it  was  for  the  best.  there’s  a  security  system  rick  set  up  to  kick  jerry  to  the  curb  if  he  ever  comes  around,  much  to  morty’s  aggravation,  but  it’s  not  put  to  much  use  anyway.  (usually  he  walks  over  to  his  dad’s  sad  studio  apartment  of  his  own  volition  for  custody  weekend  instead  of  being  picked  up,  because  his  dad  sleeps  until  late  noon,  so.  not  exactly  a  dependable  ride.  if  he  goes  himself  he  can  shake  jerry  awake  at  a  reasonable  hour  and ...  try  to  shake  some  sense  into  him  too.  so  he  doesn’t  come  to  the  house  much.)

c-136′s rick has a complex relationship with his beth.  she’s  still  very  much  wrapped  up  in  his  opinion  of  her  and  works  to  please,  impress  and  ultimately  attain  his  attention  whenever  she  can.  an  easy  way  to  do  this  is  back  rick  up  when  morty  backtalks  him.  if  morty  angrily  says  “shut  the  fuck  up,  rick”  within  earshot  of  his  mother,  she’s  very  quick  to  fly  to  her  father’s  defence  as  apposed  to  her  son’s-  “morty,  don’t  speak  to  my  dad  like  that!”  rick  plays  off  this,  recognizing  an  opportunity  to  make  beth  feel  like  it’s  them  versus  morty,  and  says  “thank  you,  sweetie.”  the  two  then  delve  into  conversation  about  how  morty  is  “out  of  hand”  as  if  he’s  not  even  there,  which  understandably  infuriates  him  further.  

it  hurts  him  a  lot  that  his  mom  is  so  desperate  to  feel  like  her  and  her  dad  get  along,  and  for  him  to  acknowledge  her  existence,  that  she’ll  invalidate  his  feelings  and  bitch  about  his  behavior  with  rick  to  get  it.  he  very  much  feels  like  his  mom  values  having  a  positive  relationship  with  her  dad  over  him  as  a  result.  morty  continues  to  love  and  care  about  her  even  in  spite  of  the  fact  that  it  feels  largely  nonreciprocal  at  the  best  of  times,  but  can  come  across  quite  cold,  dismissive  and  clearly  subconsciously  angry  with  beth  when  talking  about  her  at  times  as  a  result.  don’t  get  me  wrong,  they  go  see  the  occasional  movie  together  and  morty  helps  her  out  preparing  dinner  very  often.  he  cares  deeply  about  his  mom  and  he  loves  her,  of  course  he  does,  but  he's  also  felt  incredibly  estranged  from  her  for  most  of  his  life.  if  nothing  else,  they  can  always  at  least  bond  over  an  eyeroll  at  one  of  his  dad's  latest  fuck  ups  or  stupid  statuses  on  facebook.  there’s  some  stuff  about  his  childhood  i  could  tack  in  here  that’s  relevant,  but  i’m  very  conscious  of  how  long  this  is  and  i  haven’t  even  talked  about  rick  and  morty’s  dynamic  yet ...  adjaskjdfaksf  sorry!

her  alcoholism  worries  morty  whereas  rick  seems  a  little  indifferent  to  it,  or  considers  it  not  a  big  deal.  likely  because  he  knows  it  invites  accusations  of  hypocrisy  if  he  calls  out  her  self  destruction  via  these  vices.  

in  the  past,  morty’s  tried  talking  with  her,  watering  down  and  pouring  out  her  alcohol  stashes,  and  even  pleaded  for  rick  try  and  make  her  see  reason-  to  no  avail.  (his  grandpa  ended  up  cracking  a  joke  about  what  a  fucking  buzzkill  morty  is,  they  laughed  it  off  together,  and  they  both  went  out  for,  you  guessed  it,  a  fucking  drink,  or  more  likely  ten  of  them,  directly  after  the  fact.)

right  now,  beth  c-136  has  been  seeing  a  bartender  for  eleven  months.  rick  seems  to  idly  approve  of  him-  at  the  very  least,  doesn’t  hate  him  like  he  did  jerry,  which  delights  beth.  her  father  deeming  anything  in  her  life  a  good  choice  means  everything  to  her  because  she  fights  so  hard  to  impress  him  while  also  trying  not  to  look  overtly  clingy  and  needy,  because  that  seems  to  repel  him.  also,  he’s  her  genius  father  who  doesn’t  like  anyone,  so  how  the  hell  can  his  judgement  be  wrong,  right?  him  approving  of  this  guy  has  locked  him  into  her  life  for  the  forseeable  future.  again,  this  pisses  morty  off,  because  this  bartender  guy  encourages  his  mom’s  worst  vice  of  daydrinking  with  his  job  and  lifestyle.  he  makes  her  happy,  but  he’s  the  fucking  worst,  and  it  makes  morty  want  to  tear  his  hair  out.  him  and  summer  frequently  snipe  about  the  guy  in  private.  sharing  distaste  for  their  parents’  prospective  partners  is  very  valid  bonding  they  think.

c-136  rick  and  morty's  relationship  is  emotionally  flexible  at  the  best  of  times.  some  days,  so  very  rarely,  they  get  along  just  great.

to  name  one  wholesome  headcanon  before  we  Get  Into  It.  occasionally,  rick  will  pretend  to  know  absolutely  jack  shit  about  one  of  the  plants  in  morty’s  greenhouse  just  to  let  him  go  off  about  it  and  suddenly  seem  excitably  sure  of  himself  for  about  twenty  minutes  of  nonstop  infodumping.  95%  of  the  time  he  knows  absolutely  everything  about  the  plant  he’s  asking  about,  actually,  and  on  some  level  morty  is  absolutely  aware  of  it.  the  smartest  man  in  the  universe  apparently  doesn’t  know  what  a  flaxtius  olcum  is?  right.  but ...  he  still  appreciates  the  gesture  a  lot,  and  it  cheers  him  up  after  a  shitshow  adventure.

it's  not  too  clear  what  allows  these  occasions  of  treating  one  another  with  basic  respect  and  almost  fondness  to  arise-  maybe  his  grandfather's  in  an  uncommonly  gracious  mood,  maybe  they're  playing  minecraft  or  bashing  animal  crossing  together,  maybe  they're  snickering  and  exchanging  incredulous  glances  during  some  cartoonishly  evil  alien's  monologue  of  a  plan  as  it's  dictated  to  them  in  painstaking  detail …  regardless,  those  come  around  less  and  less  often,  these  days.

rick  secretly  considers  morty  to  be  very  capable  and  alarmingly  more  competent  as  of  late,  and  he's  not  sure  whether  to  feel  almost  proud  or  work  to  scramble  to  unravel  all  this progress  lest  morty  start  pulling  away  from  him  and  revelling  in  his  own  independence.  

they're  a  kickass duo  when  adventuring, very  in  sync.  morty's  less  of  a  whiny  burden  or  wide-eyed,  unremarkable  sidekick,  and  more  of  a  borderline  asset  at  this  point.  which  again,  makes  rick  feel  very  conflicted  over  how  that  skews  their  dynamic  in  a  way  that's  less  favorable  for  him,  because  morty  doesn't  need  to  lean  on  him  as  heavily  or  stick  as  close  anymore.  but  at  the  same  time,  there’s  less  inherent  risk  of  him  dying  while  they  adventure,  because  he  handles  himself  so  well.  they  can  split  up  as  needed  to  get  shit  done  faster.  morty  frequently  solo  adventures,  or  as  he  calls  it,  “runs  rick’s  goddamn  errands,  actually.”  he’s  outgrown  the  concept  of  getting  to  choose  an  adventure  and  instead  claims  the  portal  gun  every  twelve  adventures  they  have  together,  and  goes  off  for  one  of  his  own.

morty  speaks  his  mind  very  bluntly  with  rick  and  isn't  really  afraid  to  tell  him  to  get  fucked  when  he's  being  an  unreasonable  dick.  he  resents  rick  immensely  for  putting  him  down  and  pushing  him  around  all  the  time.

morty's  more  assertive,  yet  still  very  much  resigned  to  their  irrefutably  imbalanced  companionship ;  there  are  countless  factors  as  to  why.  but  primarily,  it  tends  to  boil  down  to  feeling  like  he  owes  a  lot  to  rick.  were  it  not  for  his  presence  in  his  life,  morty  knows  deep  down  that  he  wouldn't  be  half  as  interesting  or  even  marginally  as  intelligent  as  he's  capable  of  being  now.  he’d  still  be  stupid,  and  mediocre,  and  uninteresting.  unremarkable.  unworthy  of  anyone’s  attention  or  time  because  of  how  dull  he  is.

he's  at  a  point  where  (to  an  extent)  he  feels  distant  from  his  life  on  earth  at  the  best  of  times,  because  space  and  the  infinite  multiverse  has  encompassed  his  daily  life  for  so  long  and  on  some  level,  he  handles  himself  far  better  fighting  for  his  life  on  the  edge  of  the  universe  than  trapped  in  a  school  full  of  sweaty  teenagers  and  material  he  either  blitzes  through  or  can  barely  grasp.  plus,  rick  was  the  closest  thing  he  ever  had  to  a  friend  while  he  was  growing  up.  morty  cares  about  rick,  even  if  the  older  constantly  cites  reasons  as  to  why  attachment  is  moronic  and  sentiment  is  stupid,  and  he's  aware  that  rick  has  come  to  care  for  him  too-  even  if  all  his  pointed  jabs  about  not  giving  a  shit  and  aloof  front  makes  it  hard  to  believe  that  all  the  time.

the  issue  is,  once  morty  seems  to  waver  in  feeling  that  he  has  to  constantly  acquiesce  to  rick  and  falters  in  tolerating  rick  as  an  result  of  this  obligated  feeling  of  familial  love,  no  matter  how  slightly,  rick  then  begins  to  exert  control  over  their  relationship  by  other  means,  such  as  emotionally  manipulating,  gaslighting  and  outright  blackmailing  him  to  keep  him  in  line  with  what  he  wants  out  of  their  dynamic:  rick  and  morty,  a  hundred  years,  the  only  two  people  in  the  infinite  multiverse  that  truly  matter-  theretofore,  they  should  both  solely  consider  one  another  as  important,  and  worthwhile.  he's  willing  to  tarnish  any  other  connections  morty  might  form  beyond  their  duo  for  fear  of  losing  him.

he  grows  out  of  this  irrational  attachment  a  little  more  each  time  his  grandfather  lets  him  down,  disillusions  him  ever  further,  hurts  him  or  traumatizes  him  or  actively  fucking  experiments  on  him-  slowly  but  surely.  he'll  snap,  in  some  sense,  sometime.  when  exactly  can't  be  known.  what  precise  actions  he  might  take  to  pry  himself  free  of  their  codependent  dynamic  is  unclear.  but  the  way  things  are  headed,  the  two  of  them  splintering  apart  is  inevitable,  and  it's  unlikely  to  be  an  amicable  thing  at  all.  rick  often  actively  renounces  and  appears  repulsed  by  the  very  concept  of  familial  love  and  basic  attachment,  constantly  rants  and  raves  in  his  drunken  stupors  about  how  replaceable  everyone  in  his  life  is,  and  it's  hard  for  morty  to  bite  his  tongue  when  he's  behaving  like  that.

he  just  hates  that  he  feels  badly  about  himself  and  second  guesses  himself  around  rick.  strangely  enough,  when  he’s  having  to  push  through  crazy  shit  alone,  he  does  fine.  great,  even.  sure,  he’s  freaking  out,  making  everything  up  as  he  goes  along,  and  secretly  wishing  rick  was  around  to  guide  him  out  of  the  chaos  because  he  knows  in  his  heart  rick  would  probably  do  it  smarter.  but  once  he’s  with  rick,  he  feels  incapable  and  stupid  beside  him.  like,  being  apart  from  him  makes  him  feel  so  much  lighter,  allows  him  to  lean  on  the  intelligence  he  very  much  does  possess,  without  being  berated,  second  guessing  it,  and  reminded  it’ll  never  match  up  to  rick’s,  so  there’s  really  no  point  in  even  trying.

[iammikedee]

Committed to a workout routine

My brother in law came to live here for the summer but since the plague is still a thing, he decided to stick around and do his online classes from home. Me, my partner John, and his brother were all feeling pretty bleh about just sitting around all summer stuck inside, so BIL developed a diet and exercise plan. 

The diet is basically just counting calories so I get enough to exercise tone up, but operate at somewhat of a deficit to lose weight. It also tracks protein. (That’s my diet, anyway. My partner and BIL are lean and muscular so they’re looking to bulk up which means eating copious amounts of calories which, obviously, I’m jealous about lol.) 

The exercise is marathon training which starts with moderate exercise 2 days a week for 2 weeks, then ramps up to 3 days a week. This involves stretching, jogging half a mile minimum, 2 minutes of push-ups, 5 minutes of ab workouts, and 5 minutes of pull-ups. If you can’t do push-ups/abs/pull-ups anymore you just dumb it down to a similar exercise that’s less vigorous, but the point is to keep working out those muscles during their allotted time slot. (i.e., just do the best you can nonstop for X minutes.) This exercise routine is great for people of varying abilities. My partner and BIL are more physically fit than I am, so even if they’re doing 5 or 10 more push-ups than me before switching to planks or box push-ups, we’re all building our strength in ways that make sense to us as individuals and there’s still that positive group vibe going on. 

Anyway, We finished our third group session today and I feel fucking awesome. In just a week I have more endurance, breathe better when I run, have better form, and have gauged when and how to push myself vs. how to pace myself.

I journal my calories and protein, what exercises I’ve done, and how my mental and physical health are. This also helps me see what I’ve done in the past that makes me feel good so that when I feel down I can say, “well on these three days, just getting outside seemed to help,” and I can try doing that. And physically keeping track of my health is good for my fibromyalgia; I don’t take any drugs for it, just aspirin as needed and a daily multivitamin, so I rely primarily on diet / sleep / exercise / being social to treat it. This has been a good way to reflect on it all. 

If you’re transitioning and not happy with your body shape, I GUARANTEE you that committing to X Y Z twice a week will make you feel a million times better. Because even when you’re sitting there the day after exercising, those muscles are still doing what they need to do to get swole during your rest period; your body is actively working at changing while you are in a seemingly passive state. And that doesn’t just go for exercise or physical health; if you’re struggling with your mental health, practice committing to X Y Z whether that’s hanging out with a friend, doing art, or whatever works for you. Physical and mental growth are important for development, and I feel that as someone who’s only 1 year and change into transitioning (with hormones) it’s important to be reminded that you are changing, and you are growing; you are not just stagnating. This experience has been very positive in reinforcing that :)

[visambros]

For the sake of my future, I am leaving Tumblr.

I haven’t been very active on here, and I know I haven’t been particularly talkative either, but I’m making this post to let people know that I’m going. I may delete this blog in the future, but I’m keeping everything for now.

There is a long list of reasons why I’m doing this, but if you don’t want to read the entire post then the long story short version is: My life is a dumpster fire that will not change for the better unless I devote as much of my free time as possible into improving my craft so I can make a living through my art/writing.

Full details under the cut.

I’ve been planning on making this post for a while, but I didn’t want to abandon this account forever because despite not being as active on here as I used to be in the past, I’m still emotionally attached to my account and still wanted to use Tumblr as a means of entertainment when I wasn’t working. And I knew that if I made this post, I’d have to commit to staying away and I wanted to avoid that. But two things happened last Sunday that acted as a major wake up call for me.

1) There was a false alarm at a power plant not too far away from where I live. I don’t live in the same city as the power plant, but I live in what would be the danger zone should the power plant have a melt down. The false alarm for the power plant was issued in the morning. I don’t have a cell phone, but my sister (who I share a room with) does and received the alert for the “meltdown”. Since it woke her up, she was tired and accidentally exited the alert without reading it first. She then went back to sleep.

Now I don’t blame my sister for doing this. Hell, I probably would’ve done the same thing in her shoes.  My issue lies in the fact that, had there been an actual emergency, I would’ve a) slept through it or b) had no reliable way of getting out of the city.  I can’t drive, never learned how, so I couldn’t have driven myself to safety if my mom had decided not to leave the house (I know what you’re thinking; “why wouldn’t she leave the house?” and honestly she most likely would’ve left the city, but my mom has made enough stupid decisions throughout her life that her staying home isn’t outside the realm of possibility for me to believe).

Even though I know it was a false alarm, it’s still scary to think about how I could’ve died- or at least gotten very sick- had it been a real meltdown. I hate living in this city and I want to move, but I don’t have the means to do so at the moment.

2) My stepfather. For those who don’t know, my mom married a man she only knew for a few months and he is a horrible human being. He has threatened to kill me and my mom in the past, has been arrested multiple times since arriving to Canada (late last year he was arrested for possession of heroin), and is altogether an unpleasant and annoying man to be around.

So last Sunday night, I was doing the dishes when I heard a knock at the door. It was my stepfather, who had left the house for whatever reason and had returned. However, as I neared the door, I noticed that it was unlocked. He could’ve let himself in, but for whatever reason he was still knocking. I suddenly got it in my head that he wanted me to open the door so he could yank me outside without having to drag me through the house first.

I know that sounds paranoid, but the man is disturbed. I don’t think I’ve gone a week without at least worrying once that I was going to come home to my stepfather having murdered everyone else in the house while I was out. Added to the fact that he and I really hate each other and I was the one to call the police on him two times, and I think you could forgive me for thinking that he might try to hurt me if given the chance.

Despite my fears, I still opened the door for my stepfather. He didn’t attack me. He just went back inside and did whatever it was that he did. But even though nothing happened to me, I was still wound up for about five minutes and it felt like all the nerves in my body (especially my arms) were somehow taut and weak at the same time.

Aside from my sister, who is my only bright spot in this house, I don’t want to live with or have anything to do with this family anymore. I would’ve left years ago if I could. But again, I don’t have the means to do so at the moment.

This is why I’m leaving Tumblr.

I know that it’s super hard and almost impossible to make a decent living off the arts. I know I could try and try for the next decade and still not get anywhere I want to be. But I need to try, because I’m tired of my life being the way it is right now and I’m scared that things will never get better if I’m too passive.

I currently work at Walmart. I’m on my feet during the majority of my shift and my legs and knees hurt so bad I think I might be doing long lasting (but hopefully not permanent) damage to them. I work evenings, so I only have mornings and the weekends to get my art and writing done, but I’m so tired that my artistic productivity tends to drop off after Monday morning.

It’s too easy to spend my mornings and weekends procrastinating. It’s too easy for my life to turn into sleep>eat>Walmart>sleep>eat>Walmart until the day I die. The fact that it’d be so easy for me to be an old woman and still be at a similar stage in my life, even if I work my ass off trying to get my art/writing career going, fills me with so much existential dread I can hardly stand it.

But I’m tired of being so poor I could only visit my biological dad once while he was in the hospital for cancer. I’m tired of living with student loans that never seem to end. I’m tired of working at a job that demands so much of my time and energy. I’m tired of living in an area where people keep getting murdered in a less than a ten minute walk from my house. I’m tired of being afraid that I’ll come home from work and see police outside my house and body bags being taken into an ambulance. So I have to try, even if my chances of success are low.

I know I chose a bad career path for someone who wants to be financially comfortable. “Starving artist” is a stereotype that exists for a reason. But aside from it being my passion, I know I’m not good enough at anything else to make a proper living doing anything else. If I can’t make my dreams a reality, I���ll just be stuck in retail for the rest of my life, and I would honestly rather die than live like that. And I don’t want to die. Despite my anxiety and depression issues, despite the fact that I sometimes struggle with suicidal idealization, I don’t want to die. I just want my life to get better.

So when I say I’m leaving Tumblr, I don’t mean I’m just leaving Tumblr. I mean I’ll be using the internet as a whole for mainly a research/resource tool for my art and writing. Which means I’ll be spending very little time for leisure on the internet. It also means I won’t be socializing much anymore, which sucks because I like having internet friends (even though I’m bad at keeping in touch) but if I want my dreams to come true, I can’t be distracted by anything, even other people. From this point onward, I’ll essentially be working (almost) nonstop, only taking enough breaks so my brain doesn’t melt from the stress.

I know this is all very extreme, but I really haven’t fully expressed how absolutely desperate I am for my life to stop being so horrible. Maybe if I grind hard enough, things will be okay someday.

If you made it this far, thank you. And I’m sorry if I ever did anything to make you uncomfortable or hurt you in any way.

Goodbye everybody.

[baby-hyena]

Fearless | KHSxJJH Fanfic

Note: This will be the 3rd and last part of Kim Hye Soo’s POV. Thank you so much for reading and for your comments. 🥺💞 I really, reaaaly appreciate it. 🥰 Thank you. If you haven’t read the 1st and 2nd part, here are the links:

1st part: https://baby-hyena.tumblr.com/post/616456915659227136/begin-again-khsxjjh-fanfic

2nd part: https://baby-hyena.tumblr.com/post/617439729873567744/distance-a-khsxjjh-fanfic

P.S.: I’m sorry if this is too cheesy. 🤭🙈

P.P.S: Love you, fellow Hyena babies. 🤗

~

There's something 'bout the way, the street looks when it's just rained

The production had to rush the filming of Hyena because of Ji Hoon’s hectic schedule. They had to film separately so they can save time and quickly wrap up the drama. It’s also been a week since Hye Soo took care of Ji Hoon when he stayed outside and caught a cold. The morning after that, she woke up with Ji Hoon’s note saying he’s thankful and that he had to go because his manager went crazy looking for him. Hye Soo wished she shouldn’t have slept so she would’ve been with him a little longer.

There's a glow off the pavement, you walk me to the car

They didn’t have the chance to talk after that. And since Ji Hoon was busy, he couldn’t drive her home like he always did. He apologized to her and told her that he’ll make it up to her. Hye Soo reassures him that she’s fine and she cheers him up. Though, she misses him and sometimes she can’t help it she’d post him on her Instagram. Good thing she changed her username into junggumza so her fans would think it’s just her being in character. She’d also stalk his Instagram whenever she misses him.

And you know I wanna ask you to dance right there, in the middle of the parking lot, yeah

It’s their last filming day, Hye Soo and Ji Hoon almost didn’t get to see each other on set. They’re all over the place, filming each other’s last scenes. Their last scene together was set on a pub where they’d drink and have dinner together with Team H. Hye Soo was excited for the scenes because she’d get to see Ji Hoon and his funny expressions. And when the camera starts rolling, she tried hard not to laugh because of it. I missed you, her heart whispers as she looks at Ji Hoon. They’d chitchat in between breaks during that scene and she’d wish that moment would last; but she had to go to her next filming site.

We're drivin' down the road, I wonder if you know

Hye Soo was walking to her car when she heard some heavy footsteps behind her. She turns around to see who it is. It was Ji Hoon walking to her, he’s wearing a baseball cap and he’s smiling wide. When he’s in front of her he says, “Lemme drive you home?” She chuckles, “Aren’t you busy today?” Please say no, a small voice talks at the back of her mind. Ji Hoon tilts his head and pouts, “Manager-nim told me I can take the day off.” He gave her a tight smile, she smiles back. Yay! Hye Soo can feel her heart’s dancing at the moment.

I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now, but you're just so cool

As soon as Ji Hoon started driving, he also started talking. And unlike any other day, Hye Soo’s full attention is on him as he tells her stories about his busiest days. She’d look at him amusingly and would react whenever it’s funny or sad or annoying. “You know this pandemic changed our lives.” Ji Hoon’s tone becomes serious. Hye Soo blinks as she waits for his next sentence. “Geum Ja and Hee Jae didn’t even get to kiss in their last episode.” Ji Hoon continues as he frowns and pouts. Hye Soo blinks twice and then she bursts out laughing.

Run your hands through your hair, absent-mindedly makin' me want you

They arrived at Hye Soo’s house and Ji Hoon is still talking nonstop. Meanwhile, Hye Soo is thinking of what she’d cook for them. When they enter her house, she looks at Ji Hoon who took off his baseball cap, “What should I cook?” Hye Soo asks. Ji Hoon fixes his messy hair because of his cap. Hye Soo didn’t realize she’s staring at him while holding her breath. How can he be this sexy?, she thought. Hye Soo clears her throat and swallows when Ji Hoon looked at her after fixing his hair. “You were saying..?” he asked. “I’ll just make us salad.” Hye Soo said then she walks away from him.

And I don't know how it gets better than this

Hye Soo was telling Ji Hoon stories as they eat together. “Doing that documentary was really, reaaally fulfilling for me. Thankfully, I got the chance to do it and Park PD was kind to give me that opportunity.” Hye Soo said before she grabs a bite. Ji Hoon looks at her while chewing his food. He gives her a tight smile, after chewing he speaks, “I missed you.” Hye Soo stops chewing and blinks. He caught her off guard. She looks away and mixes her salad then she says, “You beat me. I was gonna tell you that first.”

You take my hand and drag me head first, fearless

After eating, they were sitting while drinking their tea, Hye Soo on her couch and Ji Hoon on the floor. They’re listening to Coldplay’s Yellow. Hye Soo was singing some of the lyrics as she drinks from her tea. When the next song comes up, Ji Hoon speaks, “Oh, that’s my favourite song of them.” It’s Coldplay’s A Sky Full of Stars. Hye Soo giggles as she watches him sing and every time he sings the lyrics “I’m gonna give you my heart,” he points at Hye Soo. She knows he can sing and has a great voice. But she didn’t think she’d love it more when he sings for her.

And I don’t know why but with you I’d dance in a storm in my best dress, fearless

When the song stops, it began to rain. “Oh? It’s raining.” Hye Soo said. Ji Hoon looks outside and it’s pouring. “I checked the weather today, is it because of my voice?” He cracks a joke. Hye Soo laughs, “No way.” They watched the rain pour. “You know, I like it when it rains.” Hye Soo started talking. Ji Hoon looks at her and listens attentively. “It gives me a different feeling. It’s peaceful and calming.” Hye Soo continues as she stares outside her window. Ji Hoon sighs and looks outside, and then he speaks, “I love the rain, too. I love how it falls beautifully. Makes me think falling like that is not so scary.” It’s now Hye Soo’s turn to look at him.

So, baby, drive slow, 'til we run out of road in this one horse town

When the night comes and the rain stops, Hye Soo can feel he’ll leave soon. So, she prepared herself to let him go, without knowing when they’ll have this moment again. Knowing how busy he’ll get, Hye Soo can already imagine how she’ll miss him. She knows she’ll miss him even during her busiest days, at 3PM when everyone’s around her and all she can think about is him. She’ll miss him whenever she’s driving down the road. She’ll miss him showing up at her doorstep with coffee or food on his hands. She’ll remember the first time she told him those three words and she’ll miss everything about him.

I wanna stay right here in this passenger's seat, you put your eyes on me

Hye Soo’s train of thoughts stopped when Ji Hoon speaks, “Can I sleep here?” Hye Soo blinks twice at him, “What? I thought you’ll gonna be busy? Are you allowed to spend the night here?” Hye Soo didn’t realize she asked a lot. Now, that’s sounds annoying, she bites her lower lip before giving him a tight faint smile. Ji Hoon chuckles, “I’m allowed to stay here until tomorrow.” He said. Hye Soo’s tight smile widens. She couldn’t be happier.

In this moment now capture it, remember it

Hye Soo was over the moon knowing that she’ll spend the night with Ji Hoon. She’d stay up until dawn if she can, just to cherish each hour with him. “What would you like for dinner?” Ji Hoon asks, they’ve finished watching her favourite indie movie and now it looks like they’re both hungry. “Hmm, lemme think.” Hye Soo tilts her head as she tries to think what to eat. “Do you want me to cook an Italian dish?” Ji Hoon speaks. Hye Soo looks at him and smiles, “I’d love that.” She answered with sparkles in her eyes. She’d get to taste his food again, she tasted it before during the Episode 1, but she just had a bite. They didn’t get to eat the food because they had to film other scenes. Aside from the delicious food, the idea of him cooking for her makes her feel delighted.

'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this

Hye Soo helps in cutting the ingredients while Ji Hoon does the cooking. When she’s done cutting, she’d get a chair and watch Ji Hoon cook. “Come, have a taste.” He called her and she giddily went to him. “Hmm!” Hye Soo said and gave him thumbs up. Ahh, this is exactly what I’ve dreamt of having, she thought after having a taste of his food. She smiles and sighs then she walks away to prepare the table. And they started eating peacefully. 

You take my hand and drag me head first, fearless

After dinner, they sat on the couch with nothing else to do. They’d look at each other and giggle. “What should we do?” Ji Hoon asks as he pokes Hye Soo on her arm. “Hmm, lemme think.” She thinks of what they could do, “How about new set of movies?” she suggests, Ji Hoon shook his head. “Let’s watch movies later, how about an activity?” Hye Soo knows there’d be differences between them. It won’t always go on her way or on his. It happened before in her past relationship; the only difference now is that, she knows her love for this man will be bigger and greater than their differences.

And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress, fearless

If she’s the person she is 5 years ago, she wouldn’t open her doors like this to Ji Hoon. She won’t have him in any other way because she’s too scared. She’s scared of so many things; the public’s opinion, her friends’, her family. She’s scared of taking risks and getting hurt again. It’s strange though, how she’s not so scared now. She looks at Ji Hoon when she finally thought of an idea, she smiles. “Do you wanna try painting?” she asks him. She noticed how his eyes flicker when she said that. Hye Soo chuckles and nods, “Okay, I’ll get you some materials.” She stands up, “I’ll wait here and make a quick call.” Ji Hoon said.

Well, you stood there with me in the doorway

Hye Soo went to her mini studio while Ji Hoon stays in the living room. She’d grab a clean canvas and some of her pigments. She thought of painting the memory she had with Ji Hoon awhile ago, when they’re both staring at the rain. Before she goes out, she’d catch a glimpse of an unfinished painting. It’s merely a sketch but she knows it well. It’s Ji Hoon’s face. She grabs it so she can look at it closely. “What’s that?” Hye Soo almost dropped the canvas when she heard Ji Hoon’s voice behind her. She looked at him while he looks at the canvas she’s holding. Curiosity’s all over his face.

My hands shake, I’m not usually this way

Ji Hoon grabs the canvas from her and started walking to the living room. “Hey, I thought you were gonna make a call?” she asks him. Ji Hoon didn’t look at her and kept his eyes on the canvas. He’s smiling wide as he sat on the couch, “It’s me.” he utters while smiling at it. “It’s not even finished yet. Why are you so happy?” Hye Soo asks with an amused smile on her face. Ji Hoon looks at her with his puppy eyes; he didn’t say anything. Her expression softens, she sat beside him, “Why are you like that?” she asks. Ji Hoon sighs and right at that moment, Hye Soo trembles inside. When he puts down the canvas and hold her hands, she knows she’ll lose to him.

But you pull me in and I'm a little more brave

“I know you’re way out of my league.” Ji Hoon started talking. Hye Soo stares at him as he continues speaking. “You’re my sunbae and I know I shouldn’t feel this way. But I can’t help it.” Ji Hoon looks down as he sighs, Hye Soo smiles, “Hey..” she calls him. Ji Hoon sighs, “I think I like you, Kim Hye Soo sunbaenim.” Ji Hoon looks at her and shakes his head, “No, no, scratch that. I think I’ve fallen in love with you. Hye Soo-ssi.” Ji Hoon gives her a tight smile. Hye Soo can’t help but smile then she bursts out a laugh. Ji Hoon scratches the back of his head shyly. “Hey, don’t laugh at me.” He pouts and looks down.

It's the first kiss, it's flawless,

Hye Soo stops laughing. She pulls back her hands from him and cups his face. Ji Hoon is still frowning while she’s smiling at him. She lets go of his face and holds his hands. “I know you heard what I said that night.” Hye Soo said. Ji Hoon’s eyes widen. Hye Soo nods at him, “I wasn’t supposed to say that out loud that night but I couldn’t stop myself.” She felt her blood rushing to her face, she looks down to hide it, “I don’t think I can say that again—“ Ji Hoon pulls back his hands and cups her face. He’s smiling now, “It’s okay. You can say that again whenever you’re ready, whenever you want to.”

Really something, it's fearless.

If she can marry this man right now, she will. That’s what Hye Soo is thinking. Ji Hoon gently squeezes her face then laughs. “Hey.” Her voice’s muffled because of the squeeze. “I love you.” Ji Hoon says, he’s smiling at her but she can feel his sincerity. He lets go of her face. “That’s it?” Hye Soo said, dumbfounded. Ji Hoon gave her a questioning look. “You forgot this.” Hye Soo cups his face again and leans in to kiss him. Ji Hoon was stunned as Hye Soo kisses him softly. But it only took him a second to recover and kiss her back.

'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this

I knew it, I’d lose to him, Hye Soo thought as their kiss deepens. Ji Hoon’s touch makes her sensitive and she’s never felt so alive. It’s like they’ve been longing for each other their whole life and now, they’re finally one. Everything she’s been through now makes sense. She realized, she’s been with the wrong people. And now, Ji Hoon walked into her life and made everything worth it. The way he touches every part of her body makes her shiver. She lets out a soft moan when he touches her. She gasps as she cups his face to kiss him again. When he started moving against her, they both got lost to their own world.

You take my hand and drag me head first

They spent that night under the same blanket without their clothes on. Hye Soo felt Ji Hoon’s finger runs through her shoulders then he kisses it. “I love you.” He says and she chuckles. “I lost count of how many times you’ve said that.” She holds his hand and kisses it. “I love you, too.” She said then she buried her face on his chest and hugged him. She could hear his heartbeat, Hye Soo sighs, “Hope this lasts.” She whispers. She felt Ji Hoon pulls her in. “This will last. You’ll be my last love.” Ji Hoon whispers back. Then they fell asleep.

Fearless

Hye Soo wakes up with Ji Hoon’s kisses. “Good morning.” Ji Hoon smiles at her. She draws back, “I don’t smell good in the morning.” She covers her mouth, but Ji Hoon pulls her back to his arms and gave her a smack on her lips. “I still love you.” Hye Soo chuckles and kissed him back. “Let’s get up now; I know you’re busy today.” Hye Soo tells him then she gets up and picked up her clothes. An hour later, they’re eating breakfast together. Ji hoon speaks, “I already talked to my manager. Just tell me whenever you’re ready to reveal our relationship to the public.” Hye Soo bites her lower lip and sighed.

And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress

Hye Soo felt Ji Hoon’s hand on her. She looks at him and he gave her a reassuring smile. “Only when you’re ready.” He tells her then he squeezed her hand. That made her a little braver so she cocks her head. “Alright.” She utters and nodded confidently at him. She’ll never be ready. But as long as she has Ji Hoon on her side, she’s fearless.

Fearless

~

[sweet-teas-writing]

Stress Reliever (Part 1)

Pairing: Kota Ibushi x OC

A/N: Hello beautiful people! The long wait is finally here! Here is Part 1 of 2 of my new series Stress Reliever. This part is surely to make you cry and fan yourselves ;) I hope you guys like it.

Part I: In the Shower

Stress is a bitch, and, unfortunately, I have never been good at managing it. I have a huge project that I have to present next week, and I have been working nonstop for the past month to prepare myself. I am waking up earlier than usual to start on it, and wouldn’t even go to bed until 2 or 3:00 in the morning. I would forget to take a break to eat or rest because I am so worried about not finishing it on time. I see myself as a perfectionist; whenever I am working on something I make it my duty to make sure that every detail is perfect and to my standards. However, it is starting to take a toll on me, both physically and mentally. I am falling asleep during meetings, my head hurts from working too hard, and I am even noticing a change in my weight because I am not eating enough each day. My radiant brown eyes are now shaded with dark circles, and my honey brown skin is losing its natural glow. I am often agitated and frustrated, crying myself to sleep on some nights because I am so overwhelmed. The activities that would help me ease my stress levels, music, painting, kickboxing, don’t have the same effects anymore which causes me to submerge myself into my work even more.

My husband, Kota, is starting to notice this, too, and it’s concerning him a lot more than it is me. He notices that I don’t wake up each morning with my normal happy smile, or kiss him goodbye when he leaves to go to the gym to train. When he comes home, he finds me sitting at my desk in my home office either passed out from exhaustion or crying in frustration. In this past month, I hardly let him touch me anymore, making up excuses that I am too busy with work or that I am too tired. He would bring me to the gym with him sometimes just to get me away from working, making me work out with him or practice my kickboxing to let out some frustration. I used to love to work out with my husband before I took on this project, despite me not being a morning person at all. Kota would help me with my stances and forms to make sure that my strikes land more effectively. He was a great sparring partner, and an excellent teacher praising me for being a natural at the sport. It was also a way that we bonded; to spend time together despite our busy schedules and he would love every minute of his time with me. Now, I am barely seeing Kota because I am keeping myself hostage in my office, and I’m worried that it is putting a strain on our marriage. I hate to see him worry like this, but all I can think about is getting this project done. Great, yet another thing to stress about… 

Kota came home early from working at his show around 7:00 one evening. I was sitting on the couch looking through my notes in a brown folder, my glasses halfway off my face and my normally curly hair in a messy bun. I yawned for like the 20th time that day as I flipped the page, hearing my stomach growl from hunger. I ignored the sensation as Kota shut the door behind him, placed his gym bag on the floor, and walked over to me on the couch. He was standing behind me as his hand rested on the back of my neck and kissed my forehead. I glanced up at him from the corner of my eye with a small, tired smirk on my lips.

“Hello beautiful,” he whispered in my ear. “I’ve missed you today.”

His breath tickled my neck, causing me to twitch and giggle slightly. “Hi Kota,” I said trying to hide my tiredness. “I’ve missed you too, honey.”

“How was your day today?” he asked me, although he already knew the answer to that.

“It was okay,” I lied. “Just going over some notes from work.” Just then my stomach growled again, loud enough that Kota heard it too. His face held a small frown when he spoke.

“Forget to eat again?” he said coolly, the disappointment evident in his voice.

I winced slightly as I turned another page in my folder. “I was going to as soon as I was done with this.”

Kota rolled his eyes and sighed. “Sure you were.”

He then went into the kitchen and made me a bowl of ramen to eat along with grabbing a bottle of water from the refrigerator. He sat the food and water on the coffee table in front of me, my mouth instantly salivating at the delicious smell. As my stomach wanted me to pick up the bowl and scarf the ramen down my throat, my brain wanted me to finish looking at my notes. My husband watched me hesitate to stop working and eat when he sat down on the opposite side of the couch from me and took the folder from my hands. My head snapped up in surprise as I tried to take the folder back from him. He sat the folder down on the table and looked at me with an intense glare.

“Raina, you need to eat. And I am not leaving until you do.” His voice was heavy with concern laced with a hint of anger. I couldn’t help but feel terrible. Not wanting to fight with him, I sat my glasses down on the table and picked up the ramen and chopsticks. The first bite covered my taste buds in pure joy and I happily enjoyed my first meal for the day. Kota’s face softened a bit as he watched me eat, enjoying his own bowl of ramen as we sat there with the TV playing in the background. I finished the bowl in minutes and drank the entire bottle of water in one sitting. Wow, I must’ve been starving. I sighed in content as I rested my head on the couch, my stomach now full and satisfied. Kota finished his food shortly after and took both bowls into the kitchen. When he came back, he sat back down on the couch when he saw me reach for my work folder. He instantly grabbed my wrist to stop me.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

I looked up at him with a raised eyebrow. “Grabbing my folder. You told me to eat first, and I did.”

“Raina, honey, you’ve been at this all day. Don’t you think you deserve a break?”

I knew where this conversation was heading and I blew out a breath in slight annoyance. I pulled my wrist away from him and stood up from the couch. I could feel my emotions start to bubble inside me.

“Kota I know where you’re going with this,” I said. “And I really don’t want to fight with you right now…”

Kota, too, stood up from the couch with him now standing mere inches from me, his mouth holding a slight scowl and his beautiful brown eyes swam with concern and anger. He was trying his best to maintain a cool head.“Then don’t fight with me and actually listen this time. For the past month, I have seen you put yourself through hell when you took on this project. You’re not eating, you’re not sleeping, and you always try to pick a fight with me when I just want to help you!”

I scoffed at him. “Kota you don’t have to watch over me! You don’t understand, I need to get this done. I’m completely capable of taking care of myself!”

“Are you?” he asked sarcastically with his arms folded. “You don’t even remember to eat unless I tell you to.”

I rolled my eyes at him. “You’re being ridiculous.”

At my words, Kota snapped. His calm, cool composure is now gone and the anger is clear in his voice. “I’m being ridiculous?! Raina, look at yourself! You are practically working yourself to death, and you’re getting pissed off at me?! How many times have I seen you passed out at your desk from working too hard? How many nights did I listen to you cry yourself to sleep because of how overwhelmed you are? For God’s sake, I can’t even fucking touch you anymore!”

My eyes widened at his words, completely taken aback. I opened my mouth to respond back when he immediately cut me off.

“Save it,” Kota seethed. His jaw was clenched and I could see tears form in his eyes. “Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to see you like this? And the fact that you won’t even let me help you hurts like hell.” He swallowed a lump in his throat and what he said next shattered my heart into a million pieces. “I can’t stay here and watch my wife kill herself…”

The tears started to fall from Kota’s face as he turned his back to me so I wouldn’t see him cry. My body felt like lead and my heart was broken as I stood there watching my husband sob to himself. I have never felt so low in my life; all I want to do is pull him into my arms and tell him how sorry I was. He was right; all he did was try and help me and I gave him the cold shoulder. I was so concerned about getting this project done for work and stressing myself out, that I didn’t begin to think about how this was affecting him. I couldn’t help but cry myself, dropping to my knees and hugging myself with my body racked with guilt.

“I’m sorry Kota,” I choked out. “God, I’m so fucking stupid! Baby, I’m so so sorry! You were right, I am stressed out. I’ve tried everything to help me relax, but nothing was working.” I sobbed harder and hiccuped over my words.” “I thought that working more was the only thing to do, and I should have been more considerate about your feelings. Kota, please forgive me…”

Kota turned his head to see me on the floor crying. Even as pissed off as he was, it had killed him to see me in distress like that. He walked over, dropped down in front of me, and pulled me into a tight hug. I immediately wrapped my arms around his neck and continued to sob into his shoulder. His hands cradled my head as he held me, his voice calm and soothing in my ear.

“Then let me help you,” Kota whispered. “You are my wife, Raina, and I love you. You don’t have to do everything by yourself.” He then tilted my face towards his and pressed his lips to mine into a kiss. His lips were so soft and warm that I melted right into the kiss. I couldn’t remember the last time we’ve shared a kiss like this, and I’ve missed it so much. I craved more of Kota’s touch; I wanted his body closer to me and his lips to explore every inch of me. Distracting me from my thoughts, Kota pulled away from my lips, leaving behind a small pop noise and me breathless. A soft smile appeared on his lips as he cradled my face in his hands; those beautiful brown eyes of his looked at me with such love and want, despite the slight puffiness from him crying a moment ago. He looked so beautiful and angelic I couldn’t help but stare back and smile. His eyes slightly widened in delight, pleased to see a smile upon my face in God knows how long.

“There’s that smile I’ve missed so much,” he said. “You look so beautiful right now, baby.”

I blushed at his words, my body feeling a bit more relieved. But I couldn’t hide the exhausted and shitty feeling I was experiencing. My head felt like it was being beaten like a drum and my eyes felt so heavy. My hair was a matted mop on the top of my head and I just felt gross.

“That’s sweet of you to say honey,” I responded. “I wish I felt the same about myself, but at the moment I feel like shit.”

Kota chuckled at my words and stood both of us up from the floor. Those strong, muscular arms of his wrapped around my waist and his lips pulled into a mischievous smirk.

“Looks like we both could use a stress reliever,” he implied. “And I think I have an idea on how to do that.”

I raised an eyebrow in curiosity and my face carried its own smirk. “Really now? And what would that be?”

“A nice, hot shower. Together. I want to help you relax and ease the tension that you have been feeling. Plus, I really want to see you naked.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. A shower with my husband? Sign me the fuck up.

“You had me at ‘shower’,” I giggled.

Kota, then, took my hand and led our way to our bathroom. He placed a quick kiss to my cheek before stepping over to our large walk-in shower and turning on the hot water. His eyes never left mine as he slowly walked back over to me, seductively removing his shirt in the process. I could feel a small pool of heat bubble in the pit of my stomach, and my loins growing wet. Even in the flourescent lights of our bathroom, his tanned skin held a beautiful glow. His messy, disheveled hair partly covered his eyes and his sinful, signature smirk returned to his face. I licked my bottom lip before biting it, bracing myself on the sink behind me once his body was pressed against me.

“I take it you missed seeing me like this?” Kota whispered smugly.

My fingers roamed up and down his abs and chest before I answered. “I did,” I shuddered. “I almost forgot just how sexy you were half naked.”

He let out a low chuckle. “Well, luckily, you get to see me more than half naked.” I could feel his breath hot in my ear, causing me to shiver, and his slowly growing erection through his shorts pressed against my thigh “And I’m eager for you to be the same.”

God, he is such a fucking tease… he’s hardly said anything and I’m already submitting to him. Then again, it’s one of the reasons why I married him. Not wanting to keep him waiting, my hands traveled to the hem of my shirt, ready to take it off, when Kota’s hands covered mine to stop me.

“Uh-uh,”  he said, shaking his head. “I have waited over a month to get a chance to touch you like this.” He slowly placed my hands at my sides before gliding his fingers up my hips, to my neck, and stopping at my hair. “And I am seizing every chance I get…”

He effortlessly released the hair tie holding my hair in place and ran his fingers through my dark, matted curls, my hair now hanging loosely stopping at my shoulders. “From letting down your hair…”

“...to taking off your clothes.” Those strong yet gentle hands of his massaged my shoulders before making his way back down to my hips, stopping at the hem of my t-shirt. In one swift motion, my shirt went over my head before he tossed it on the floor behind him. He followed through removing my bra, shorts, and panties until I was completely naked in front of him. Kota took a step back and admired my body under the lights, biting his bottom lip and his eyes carrying a lustful stare. The bathroom was growing hot from the steam of the shower, and so was I, the heat in my stomach growing hotter and my pussy wetter by the minute.

“God, you’re beautiful,” Kota whispered, a small moan escaping his lips. He removed his shorts and boxers before leading us into the shower. “I am going to take my time with you, baby.”

The steady stream of hot water from the shower attacked every aching muscle in my body, making me submerge deeper under the water. The water poured down my body like a flowing river, my hair is now soaked, and I felt amazing. I let out a huge sigh, relief surging through my veins.

“Ahhhh….” I sighed. “This feels amazing.”

Just then, Kota’s hands were on top of my shoulders, massaging deeply into my flesh. His lips found his way to my neck, planting a soft kiss.

“You’re so tense, baby,” he cooed. “It’s about time you get a chance to unwind.” 

He spent a few minutes on my shoulders before making his way down my sides. He applied just the right amount of pressure to my body, making me moan out in pleasure. Coupled with the hot water from the shower, Kota’s massage was turning me on. I closed my eyes and leaned in closer to his touch.

“Oh Kota,” I whispered, my arms wrapped around his. “Thank you for suggesting this. I needed this.”

Kota chuckled smugly in my ear. “Oh, baby girl, I’m just getting started with you.”

He grabbed the body wash from the shelf behind him and squeezed a large portion onto a white shower pouf. He briefly ran the pouf under the shower head and squeezed it in between his palm, creating a thick, creamy lather. He started washing my neck and shoulders, rubbing in slow circles, before making his way down my arms and hips. He washed my stomach, my breasts, and down my back. Kota’s eyes were focused and drowned with lust as he wasted no time making sure my entire body was lathered in soap, massaging the soap into my skin using both the shower pouf and his hands, before he turned me around to face him.

“Kota, what…”

 Suddenly, his lips found mine in a heated kiss as he used his tongue to pry my lips open, exploring the insides of my mouth. His hands roamed all over my slick and slippery body admiring every curve,  before stopping and grabbing hold of my hips. The glass door leading into the shower began to steam up with fog, followed by the shower windows.  I could feel my head grow fuzzy as I instinctively wrapped my soapy arms around his neck, streams of bubbles dripping down his chest and arms. My fingers tangled into his wet hair and tugged at it, eliciting a growl from Kota’s lips.

“I couldn’t wait anymore,” he confessed. “I need you…”

My back was pressed against the wall of the shower, the coolness of the tile causing me to shiver inwardly. Kota wrapped one of my legs around his waist and continued to deliver a passionate kiss to my lips, a mixture of water and saliva slowly streaming down. My hands found my husband’s shoulders to steady myself, and I sank my nails into them. Heavy pants and moans escaped from my mouth as I tried to catch my breath between Kota kissing me and the constant flow of water from raining down above us. His lips moved from my mouth to the right side of my neck, sucking and nibbling at the wet, soapy, flesh. Soap ran down Kota’s back and thighs as I tightened my grip around him.

“Ahh,” I hissed out. “Kota…”

Kota saw this as an invitation to take it further, sinking his teeth harder into my neck and his hand squeezed harder into my thigh.My eyes rolled into the back of my skull and I threw my head back in ecstasy, being careful that I didn’t smack my head against the tiles. I moaned out a cry of pleasure and his name escaped from my lips once more. He used his other arm to brace himself against the shower wall, with me now sandwiched between him and the wall. The heat between Kota’s body and the hot water felt like I was in an inferno, and I wanted more.

“Mmm I’ve missed you moaning out my name,” Kota whispered into my neck. “Say it again. Louder.”

He sucked at my neck again, his tongue swirling circles over it, and his teeth sank down into the flesh. I’m pretty sure a bruise will form later. He followed suit by licking a trail from the bruised spot on my neck to the shell of my ear

“Kota, ahhh, fuck!” I moaned louder, throwing my head back again. “More. I need more.”

“Ah, getting greedy aren’t we?” Kota said, smirking. “But you can ask me nicer than that.”

Again with the teasing… Kota really wanted to make me suffer did he? Kota repositioned his body so that he was looking directly at me, his eyes dark with lust and mischief. He held his lips into a cocky smirk as his hands traveled from my hips, to my breasts, before he placed one hand around my neck, his fingers pressed into the sides of my neck hard enough for me to feel it but not enough to hurt me.

“Actually,” he said lowly. “I’d prefer if you beg me.”

The floodgates of my pussy were wide open now. I could feel a small stream of liquid run down my inner thighs; a mixture of soap, water, and my own juices. The only time when he gets this aggressive is when he’s wrestling. The fact that he’s doing it to me makes me want to do anything he tells me to. I submitted instantly.

“Please Kota,” I whimpered. “Please give me more…”

“That’s a good girl,” he praised.

Kota placed a quick kiss to my lips before he slightly spread my legs apart with his hand. His eyes twinkled again with that mischievous stare, and I swallowed a lump in my throat. What is he going to do to me? 

“Trust me,” he said. “You’ll enjoy this.”

He teased my body with his mouth and tongue, planting kisses down my neck to the valley in between my breasts. He swirled and flicked his tongue around each nipple, making me squirm underneath him.

“Mmm,” I whimpered.

Kota smirked against my skin, the water was dripping from the top of his head and down his face. He continued to place kisses down my stomach and sides as he kneeled down in front of me, his head now in between my legs. My body trembled with anticipation and the dizziness in my head grew stronger. My hands found the back of his head to keep myself in place as I took a deep breath in and out.

“Are you all right?” Kota asked and all I could do was nod. A small smile graced his face briefly before he spoke. “Don’t worry. I promise I will take good care of you.”

Kota kissed the inside of my thighs before slowly making his way up to my sensitive core. He glanced up at me one more time before his tongue found my clit, and it took everything in me not to collapse to the shower floor.

“Oh!” I gasped.

Kota’s lips sucked hungrily at my bundles of nerves, his tongue flicking at my clit sending a surge of electricity through my body. My back arched from the tile wall, and my fingers tugged at his hair. I moaned and panted heavily, the sensation overwhelming yet addicting.

“Mmmm, baby, ahhh Kota right there,” I moaned. 

The soap began to slide off my body as the water continued to rain down. The shower door and windows were completely covered and fog with drops of water gliding down the glass. Steam filled the bathroom, covering the mirrors, and my moans echoed throughout the entire room.

“Keep going,” I panted. “Oh my God, you feel so good.”

Kota obliged and entered one finger into my throbbing pussy, making me hiss in pleasure and pain.

“Damn,” Kota hissed. “You’re so tight.”

Luckily, the mixture of my juices and the water from the shower was enough lubricant to make me take his fingers in no time.Kota entered a second finger and pumped in and out of me at a steady pace, his mouth  continuing to lick and suck at my clit.

“Fuck,” I moaned. “Mmmm baby yes…”

My fingers tangled and tugged harder into Kota’s hair, soliciting another growl from his lips. 

“Oh Raina,” Kota groaned. “Harder.”

As I sank my fingers deeper into his hair, Kota pumped faster into my throbbing core. My hips rolled against him, hoping to match his rhythm and increase the friction between us. His lips sucked harder against my clit, and I threw my head back so fast that, this time, I bumped my head against the wall. I winced slightly in pain, but Kota’s actions were enough for me to quickly forget about it. I could feel my legs trembling violently and my climax approaching fast.

“Kota, baby,” I whimpered. “Ahh, I’m so close…”

The water was starting to get cold, and both of us started to shiver slightly from the sudden drop in temperature. Kota fingers moved faster, hitting a spot in me that turned my moans into screams.

“I can tell you’re close, Raina,” Kota breathed out, trying to keep his own emotions in check. “Let go for me, baby.”

“Ahhhh, fuck… Yes, baby, YES!!”

With a few more thrusts from his fingers, and a final suck to my core, my climax took over my body with my back arching from the wall, convulsing from Kota’s fingers, and his name exploding from lips in a guttural scream. He pumped a few more times to help me ride out my orgasm before I collapsed against the tiled wall, eyes fluttering closed and out of breath. Satisfied with his work, Kota released his fingers from me, stood up, and planted a kiss to my forehead, shivering a bit from the now cold water.

“Feel better?” Kota asked proudly.

I let out a tired, pleased chuckle and cracked my eyes to feel his arms wrap around my waist and flush my body to his, making sure I didn’t fall to the ground.

“A lot better,” I smiled, then looked down to see his dick still fully and painfully erect. “But what about you?”

Kota shook his head and let out a small smile. “Worry about me later. This was mainly for you, honey. And the cold water is actually helping it go down, so that’s a plus. Which, might I add, I would like to get out now.”

I laughed and shivered at his comment, agreeing with him. “I would too.”

Kota, then, handed me the white shower pouf, grabbed the other one from the shelf behind him, and squeezed soap into both of them. We quickly washed up using the cold water before I turned off the faucet and we stepped out of the shower. Handing me a large, fluffy towel, I dried off my body and hair before wrapping it around myself to comb and blow dry my hair. Kota had his towel wrapped around his waist while he was beginning to brush his teeth. He looked over to me in my area, gave me a wink, and blew me a kiss causing me to blush and smile widely.

To be Continued in Part 2: Thunderstorm

Tag List: @tacoshu @gold--gucciempress @evilangel84 @wwevampireamongkpop @defenseofourdreams6277 @the-carter-mob-don @neversatisfiedgirlfics @purplegirl20 @fairyglitter-h @peachie-supreme and anyone else who wants to read it!

[obviouslyelementary]

After the storm - chapter 2

The days that went by after the whole Ava incident felt slow paced and bland. For the whole week they had to go through the bureaucracy of finding the culprit and not catching it, since Fowler quickly saw through their lie and ended up giving Gavin another warning (although nothing would come out of it, as usual), and even more cases to 'compensate' their failure. That meant nonstop work for at least a week, and after that week went by, Fowler told them never to let a culprit go again and set them off to their usual schedule. Neither Gavin nor Nines put Tina or Chris into the mess, so they wouldn't suffer with the whole scheme, and while the two were thankful they also felt a bit bad. So when their overwork week ended, they called the two of them for a night out for drinks.

"Guys really I can't thank you enough" Chris said, for the tenth time in a roll, and Gavin rolled his eyes, staring at him with daggers.

"Chris I swear to god if you thank me one more fucking time I will tell Fowler you were in it" he said, and Chris shook his head quickly while Tina chuckled. Nines held back his chuckle, simply smiling and following the three humans towards the bar. It still felt slightly weird, to walk in a human bar without hesitance, because even if some people still didn't like androids, most of them seemed to be fine with their presence. And being together with three humans, Nines blended in very well. Still, he wasn't one hundred percent comfortable yet.

"So have you two decided what the hell you're gonna label yourselves?" Tina asked as they sat down, and Nines pulled his attention back to the conversation while Gavin shrugged lightly.

"I don't wanna give names. You know what they say: if you name it, you get attached to it" he said, winking at her, but Nines frowned at that. When Gavin turned to look at him, he saw his confusion and sighed. "It's a joke Nines..."

"I... know. However Gavin is right, we haven't labelled our relationship just yet. For now we continue to be partners, just in and out of the office" he said, and Chris hummed as Gavin rose his glass.

"Couldn't have put it in any better way" he said, and Tina smirked at them, tilting her head.

"Fine fine. But you know what is unfair? Chris' curious nature allowed him to see you two smooch, however I, the best friend of one of the parts, have not seen the happening yet" she wiggled her eyebrows, and Gavin rolled his eyes. Chris frowned confused and then gasped.

"Yes kiss!"

"No way" Gavin said, drinking some more of his beer, while Nines looked between their friends and Gavin.

"Why not?" Nines asked, and he groaned, looking over at him.

"Because I don't want to Nines" he answered, grumpy as always, and Nines frowned lightly before looking back at Tina, confused and honestly a bit frustrated. Tina pouted at Gavin, who showed her the finger, and soon their little snacks arrived, together with Nines' blue water. No matter how much the bar said it was thirium, he knew it wasn't. However, drinking water didn't affect anything so he drank it.

"Anyway, how were your cases this week? I saw Fowler dumped a bunch of stuff on you guys' back" Chris said, drinking down on his soda with rum, and Gavin sighed loud and clear.

"He did. He's such an ass" he mumbled, drinking his beer and looking around. "He wanted to make us pay for letting Ava escape. He knows we did it on propose. I can't lie to that guy."

"He knows you too well" Tina agreed, grabbing some potatoes and stuffing them in her mouth with a happy sigh. "God I love trashy bar food."

"Hey Nines, wanna try it?" Chris asked, always polite, and Nines smiled lightly while shaking his head.

"No thank you" he said politely, and Chris whined softly but began eating anyway. The talk was light and filled with useless topics, but it felt nice to have friends apart from the mandatory ones, like Hank and Conner, or Markus. Honestly, Nines didn't fit too well with his android companions, so he much rather befriend Gavin's friends. And seeing his partner relaxed, enjoying some drinks and snacks, without the constant frown on his face, was way more pleasurable than any android conversation or activity.

"And what now? What's our next big case?" Tina asked, and Chris chuckled.

"Man I can't wait until you turn detective and we all get a case together" he said, excited, and she nodded.

"Tell me about it. I've been dreaming about cases for the whole week we have been working normally again."

"You can always assist us if you'd like. New ideas are always welcomed and besides, you have a good way of detecting things" Nines said, always politely, and Tina gave him a smile that was a bit unlike her, but nice nevertheless.

"Thanks. I sure will."

While the conversation continued, Nines noticed that Gavin was awfully quiet. Not that he wasn't always quiet when bars were involved, he wasn't a big fan of crowds or loud spaces, but he sure felt a bit off that night. Nines hoped he was just tired after that whole week of work and no fun, but something else seemed to be bothering the detective, and Nines wanted to find out what.

He partook in Tina and Chris' conversations, adding points and answering questions, like friends would do. He felt like a real human sometimes, when he was around the people he liked. And every now and then, when the talk would die and they would just drink and eat for a while, Nines slid his hand over Gavin's thigh looking for his hand, and received a squeeze in return that always calmed him down.

Maybe he was overreacting. Maybe Gavin was just in the mood to be quiet. It was hard to know, as much as Gavin was great at showing when he was mad or frustrated or upset, he also knew very well when to hide something. And Nines didn't want to scan him anymore, he wanted them to talk.

The evening eventually ended and after many glasses of alcoholic drinks, Gavin was a little bit looser. Nines insisted that they all got a cab, and called three, one for each, and made sure Chris and Tina were safe inside their own cabs before he helped Gavin inside theirs and told the car their address.

His LED turned yellow at that. Their address? It wasn't theirs... it was Gavin's. Sure, he had been sleeping over for a week, and there was a silent agreement that if he wanted, he could stay, but none of that meant it was his apartment too. And that thought made him self-conscious and even worst, insecure.

"Nines, why is your little lighty-light yellow?" Gavin asked suddenly, his voice slightly slurred from the drinks, and Nines moved his head fast to his direction, in a movement that would leave any human dizzy. But he wasn't human.

"No reason. I am only processing some data. We will be in your apartment shortly, will you need any help?" he asked, softly, because he liked being polite and asking if he could stay over. That was how he asked. Gavin rolled his eyes and moved closer to him, climbing on Nines' lap and making his pump go faster and his LED turn red. "Gavin... what are you doing?"

"Shutting you up" he answered, slurred, dragged out, and wrapped his arms around Nines' neck, leaning in and kissing him. A kiss that didn't quite feel like their last kisses. No, it was quite faster, and wetter, and Nines answered because any kiss from Gavin was what he thought human heaven felt like, his hands drifting to Gavin's waist, pulling him closer, moving his lips and opening his mouth to allow the human to slide his tongue inside, warm and wet, strange and so alluring, a new feeling like many others Gavin made him feel.

His LED turned from red to yellow, and remained that way, because the kiss was different and new and he needed to process the feeling as he responded, imitating Gavin's movements, feeling his hands playing with the hair on his nape, Gavin's nose bumping and rubbing against his own, their chests pressed together. It was a kiss they hadn't shared yet, and Nines felt both impressed and taken back by it. He was hesitant, because he wasn't stupid. He was everything but stupid. He knew what most kisses like those lead to.

But this one would lead to disappointment.

They broke off because Gavin, as every human, needed to breathe. He sighed and pressed their foreheads together, rubbing their noses against each other, and Nines just watched him with soft eyes, LED on yellow, hands secure on Gavin's waist. Sometimes he did act too much like a cat, and it was adorable, Nines concluded. And when Gavin's eyes opened, he was calm and relaxed.

"Gavin?" Nines whispered, softly, and leaned into Gavin's hand as he lifted it up and brushed some hair off Nines' face. His hand slid down to the android's cheek and stopped, thumb making slow, circular motions on his skin, before he lowered it down to his shoulder and closed his eyes again.

"I'm tired" he whispered, letting his head fall and rest on Nines' shoulder. He held Gavin close and let his body relax, and it did, curling up against the android as he rested. Nines felt better, calmer with Gavin like that, and held him close the whole trip back to the apartment. When they arrived, Gavin insisted in walking, so they made their way up and immediately Gavin walked to the couch and laid down. Maybe Fowler had overworked him. Maybe he was just tired.

Nines watched him for a moment, before very slowly making his way to the couch and gently picking Gavin up. He complained for a second, very quietly, and then fell asleep on Nines' arms, way before he had time to place Gavin on his bed. Then, Nines climbed on the bed next to him, and gently pulled him closer, kissing his forehead and letting him fall asleep.

He even closed his eyes, to pretend that he could sleep too.

[tiggyloo]

Can’t Hold On - Chapter 1 - Pain

hey what’s up I finished chapter one of this. Dunno how long it’s going to end up being in total so that’ll be fun to figure out. (also on AO3 and FF.net which are linked in my desc.)

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6 - FINAL

~~~

[The Gems had discovered Steven's worsening corruption after his attempts to hide it had failed. It's been many weeks since they found out, and they've been trying nonstop to find a cure. They had to believe there was a way to fix this, some way to stop it from getting even worse, but time was starting to run out. || this story is based on the Corrupt Steven Theory]

“Night lights are for kids.”

“You are a kid, Steven.”

Pearl was crouched in Steven’s room by the bed, plugging a small night light into a socket. The light was shaped like a sun behind a cloud. She had gotten it from Greg earlier; he said it used to be Steven’s when he was very young, before he moved in with the Gems. She had only just told Steven about it a few minutes ago, as it was getting late and he’d be going to bed soon.

Steven mumbled something as Pearl stood up and she put her hands on her hips. “You haven’t been able to sleep almost at all for the past five weeks, Steven. Not since…this—” she gestured to the small horns protruding from Steven’s skull “—Started happening.” She sighed.

���Pearl, I—I’m fine, I just—” Steven stammered as Pearl sat next to him on his bed.

“Listen, Steven…I know this is all hard. It’s hard on everyone. We’re all doing our best to find a cure for this…or at least something to stop it from getting worse. Just, work with me. This…this is the best I’ve got, okay?” Pearl placed her hand on the boy’s and gave it a squeeze.

The other Gems were off searching for something today. It was Pearl’s turn to stay home. Next would be Amethyst’s, then Garnet. They’d been taking turns watching him and going out, watching him, going out, ever since they discovered his corruption. It would be several days before the small party of two returned to swap out. Steven was never allowed to join them.

He’d hidden corruption from them. They noticed changes, but didn’t think much of them; he started wearing sneakers one day, wearing a hooded jacket another. Steven had claimed that he was just trying new clothes, and that was that. Nothing too out of the ordinary for Steven. Those excuses, however, did not work for long.

He had dark purple splotches visible on his hands and legs, four inch long horns coming out of his head. He had claws on his hands and feet. His whole body felt sore. And ever since this started he’d been having…hallucinations at night when he’d try to sleep. They’ve gotten worse in the past couple weeks. There are things in the dark, things Steven knows aren’t real but at the same time their presence is so strong.

“I think the light will help, Steven,” Pearl said gently. “I know you don’t want it. But a little light can keep things away. It’s worth a try.”

Steven looked at the little night light in his wall and rested his head on Pearl’s shoulder. She was probably right. He hoped so. He was so tired…

“I’m scared, Pearl.”

Pearl hummed sadly and put her arm around him.

“We all are,” she said quietly, rubbing his arm. They were all so scared. When the pool didn’t work, even with the Diamonds, they had all started to panic, including the Diamonds. Spinel took it especially bad. She’d been crying into Steven’s jacket for a solid thirty minutes when the healing pool didn’t work. Her first real friend in six thousand years was…losing himself. No one wanted that. Certainly not her.

Everyone was terrified.

Pearl stood up. “Try and get some sleep tonight,” she said, leaning down to give Steven a kiss on his forehead. He smiled up at her. Ever since this started she’d been giving him kisses. It helped, just a little bit. Pearl went and switch the night light on, turned the lights off, and quietly walked down the stairs. Steven didn’t hear the door close. She never closed it completely.

The night light gave off a soft yellow glow. Not much, but enough to cover the majority of the room in a vague light. The darkness wasn’t so crippling tonight.

Steven settled himself under his blanket and stared at the light. He stared for a while. He looked around his room. Nothing was standing in the shadows to watch him. That was good. With a small amount of comfort in his heart he closed his eyes.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

He slept for several hours. More than he had been recently. But it was still dark when he woke up, a sudden pain in his sides forcing him awake. Steven had never felt a pain like this. It was scorching hot yet freezing cold, the pain so extreme that he almost didn’t feel it. His agonized yell brought Pearl barreling up the stairs to his room and the lights came on.

Steven’s body had reacted so violently to the pain that he’d fallen to the ground, writhing and groaning, tangled in his blanket. His eyes were shut tight and tears were streaming down his face.

“Steven!” Pearl yelped, running over, but she froze when Steven’s eyes snapped open. They were black, pure black, irises white and glowing, and they bore right through her. He was growling at her, a sound so guttural and aggressive that she actually stumbled back a few feet.

Steven appeared to be fighting himself, his expression changing from anger to pain to fear and back again in a grotesque distortion of emotions. He managed to kick away the blanket, only after slicing a few holes in it with his claws. Pearl gasped.

Two new additions to the corruption had taken form. A pair of dark purple arms had sprouted from his sides and pushed through Steven’s shirt, moving in a spasm. They stretched and twitched and grabbed at nothing and everything while Steven continued to growl and moan on the floor.

Pearl swallowed the lump in her throat and stepped closer to Steven. His eyes were closed again and he was breathing heavily, squirming painfully, growling, whimpering, and wailing. Pearl didn’t know what to do. She reached out toward him.

Steven screamed a deep, gravelly scream when he sensed her closeness and blindly lashed out. Pearl let out a sharp squeal and fell backwards when he connected. Steven’s claws had slashed down her arm and caught her knee. The light that made her body shone brightly from the cuts for a few seconds before the spaces reformed, leaving what looked like scars. She’d been slashed and cut and stabbed and received every other menagerie of injuries one could think of, but nothing had quite felt like that, nothing had ever left marks like that.

The noise she made, the look of shock and fear on her face, it did something to Steven. His growling stopped abruptly, replaced by a high-pitched crying and his eyes went wide. He was shuffling backwards and bumped into his bed. Pearl couldn’t read his expression. She couldn’t speak. She couldn’t even cry. She didn’t know what was happening.

Steven had pressed himself against the bed frame and was shaking so hard Pearl swore she felt it. Then Steven was crying out again, falling onto his side once more as he gripped his head. His claws dug into his skin, his new pair of arms mindlessly grabbing at each other. A few long minutes went by before the boy’s breathing, while still heavy, calmed down. If Pearl had a heart it’d be pounding in her chest.

Steven slowly looked up. His eyes were back to normal, aside from the pure, unrestrained fear pooling in them. Tears finally started falling down Pearl’s cheeks.

“P-Pearl?” Steven almost whispered, his voice hoarse. He saw his own fear reflected in her shining eyes.

He suddenly felt something…wrong, more wrong than before. His hands moved away from his head as he looked down his body. He scrambled up off the ground in a panic when he saw the arms twitching at his sides. It almost appeared as though they were trying to mimic the others as Steven moved. His terrified gaze locked with Pearl’s.

“Pearl!” he cried, quickly crawling over and throwing himself around her. He felt her flinch hard when he touched her. “I-I’m sorry-y, Pearl! I didn’t-want to hu-rt you. I-I didn’t mean to-!”

Finally, Pearl managed to shake herself out of her frozen state, looking down at Steven sobbing into her chest. His claws held her in a death grip. Her movements started slow, hesitant. Her mind was racing.

Then her arms came up in a flash and pulled Steven in. Tears flooded from their eyes as they sat in each other’s presence. Pearl felt two more hands latch onto her.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The warp pad activated and there stood Garnet and Amethyst, looking exhausted. It was around five in the morning and the lights were dimmed. The pair walked into the main room, faces downcast and hands empty.

“No luck, I assume,” came Pearl’s soft voice from the couch. The others didn’t reply. Or, they couldn’t reply. Garnet and Amethyst could only stare at Pearl, who was holding Steven ever so delicately, and Steven, who was lying against Pearl, asleep—and with two new arms draped on either side of her.

No one said anything for a long time. Amethyst dropped to her knees. Garnet gripped the kitchen counter to steady herself. Pearl didn’t look up from Steven’s sleeping form. She heard Garnet’s form waver and her eyes shut tight as Amethyst rose to her feet to try and comfort Garnet before she split. The purple Gem talked softly, doing her absolute best to keep her voice steady while the other tried to hold it together.

Pearl was listening helplessly. She and Amethyst had talked to Garnet previously about this whole thing, and Garnet said, no matter how many times she tried, that she couldn’t see a future where they stopped this. Of course, she’d been wrong before. There were things that she never saw that happened. So they kept going, kept searching, but it was getting so hard to continue. They continued because Garnet’s been wrong before. But the longer they went, the less likely it seemed that Garnet even could be wrong about this. There were hundreds of possibilities, all pointing to failure.

Eventually Amethyst managed to calm Garnet down enough that she stopped morphing. That’s when Pearl looked up. They all looked at each other.

None of them could last much longer like this.