usedmeatsuit

[usedmeatsuit]

No one tells you what happens after you were abused. After an assult, no one tells you that when you close your eyes you relive it. That when you look in the mirror you hate yourself. That you cry when you take your clothes off. Or having to shower in the dark. No one tells you how bad you hate yourself. It suck you feel so alone it’s not funny. God I hate my body now and I wish I could fix it to where I was before the rape happened.

[usedmeatsuit]

Today is again day 1 of no self harm. Every time I try to stop the pain gets unbearable and my life gets worse. I will try again tomorrow and maybe he will be nicer this time…

[usedmeatsuit]

Well I ended up doing it again. I keep trying to stop. I do I try so hard not to but nothing else helps to get rid of this pain. In this hell. I got told today that I need to stop because I look like I’m abused. All I did was follow him around and not talk to anyone. How do I explain that the throwing of icecream and the grinder the telling me I’m worthless and better off dead the your nothing to me and I’m crazy isn’t abuse. how is flipping me off a beanbag chair into the floor and wall okay? Being blamed for everything wrong in your life.

[usedmeatsuit]

I don’t think I’m human. I know I bleed I see it every time I see the blood flow on my legs but it don’t hurt nothing hurts anymore. Maybe I need to just…

[usedmeatsuit]

Havnt ate silence Monday I’m proud of myself

[usedmeatsuit]

I want to kms, before you ask why. Call me pathetic, just remember everyone has different hardships and limits they can take. So let’s begin shall we;

I started dating let’s call them Paul. Well we started dating in may, things were going amazing. He approached me, wanted me. I’ve never had that before. So we date and he asks me to come stay with him a week. I did willing my! Well that week turns into 2 then 3 and after a month my roommate told me not to come back. Said I bailed on her so she wants me out. He willingly takes me in. Well while eating Oreos I fall for him. I mean hard but I didn’t tell him the big ilu first he did. I thought omg he is amazing! Perfect! Well boy was I wrong!

We are approaching our 4 month mark 9days befor my birthday and he decides to try and break up with me because he had a feeling. A FEELING! The feeling of this is wrong. Well after about two days because I told him it’s bs he can just decide to end it with no reason to. We were healthy no red flags. I can’t and still can’t understand why. Well we celebrate my birthday we are happy and sun comes and again he breaks up with me. And again I still don’t get why. He says the classic it’s not you it’s me. I gotta work on myself bla bla bla. I didn’t want to I was innocent with this man and I still am

Well we break up we live together, but he still tells me ilu and still kisses and nsfw activities. Makes me breakfast in bed cuddles it all just like we are dating. I was estancia until I would say something then he made sure to drill it “we are not together” you know how confusing this is!! Well fast forward to Friday. He had told everyone the week prior that we will be going to let’s say Portland for a romantic weekend. He was also going to see his baby momma. Well the whole first state we crossed he screamed at me the whole way. He has never yelled at me let alone scream before.

We get to Portland and go to his moms he drops me off to go see his kid but goes mia for 24 hrs and when he finally shown up remember I was at his moms. His excuse he fell asleep. I believed him tho we did drive 12 hrs before he even left. Well the whole romance was over he took me home I didn’t got to do anything that I wanted to.

Well Monday while he was at work a family member I had cried to on sat night messaged his baby momma telling her about me. She didn’t know I existed. Well that’s when he changed.

Screaming nonstop throwing things. He thought I was recording him and he snatched my phone yelling you betrayed me and cracked my screen. All because of his baby momma. Well he has been lying to both of us.

I’m crying I’m betrayed hurt all of it. Why would he do this to me. What’s wrong with me why and I not enough. The thoughts are continuing to play over and over. I over think. I’m hurting dying inside

So you see I was married twice first husband (now called 1) other husband is 2) he loved to do what Paul is doing now. Gaslight, stonewall, physical and emotional abuse. It was bad ended in the hospital. Well back to it he starts gaslighting stonewalling the verbal and emotional abuse.

Well he is bringing her here while I live here n is gonna make me watch him be”happy” this is killing me the way he is treating me everything I’m dying inside. I cry myself to sleep. I don’t eat. Havnt in 3 days now. Why am I not enough for him. Well now I’m trying to leave and move because I cannot have the abuse start again. He hasn’t hit me yet. But I need to it is not good for my mental health.