#i’ve always just felt that it would be a hard thing for me to get into if i weren’t high

[kosmicdream]

the biggest problem with my writing

it would be really difficult to explain the writing process chronologically for FFAK because its like. oh yeah mop was made as a concept in 2017 and he was made specifically to interact with dr slate after rock's death. i wanted to make a creepy janitor (a weed), former convict, that had some weird personal history with spoon. he would be determined to try to work with slate to get revenge.. i didnt know what had happened yet but at this point in the comic, im only just starting to draw scenes of them interacting. mop/nail essentially started as a side character for slate's perspective, obviously didnt stay like that but.. i mean, nail did not start as fork's fork. that just fit together somehow in a way where its impossible for me to think it otherwise, it might as well always have been that way. but nail didn't exist for the first three years of the comic and when i did actually decide on his character i basically put the spoon/rock fight on hold (again) to just draw nail/spoon scenes.

i can't say this was the smart choice or whatever its just what ended up happening. i think a lot of arc1 was built on impulsive choices like that, which comes with good and bad of course.. i dont write the same way anymore, but it still happens sometimes. gaueko/kamila were not meant to be a ship but their chemistry felt so natural to explore i decided to dive into it and let that happen as part of the comic. now in 2025, not only am i actually drawing scenes i wrote for 2017 in FFAK, but also finally drawing scenes in NRD that i also wrote in 2017. Not sure how it happened where i'd be doing that for both of them at the same time in 2025, but that's how it ended up. Its just strange how it did because its also so likely for me to end up going with a new idea impulsively (like making nail) that i put aside something else planned for the new idea (the rock/spoon fight.) Even if i eventually do return to the older scene, the order of events are totally changed. Granted, in the end i AM happy i waited to draw the spoon/rock scene, but not exactly for the narrative reasons - i just know in ch12 i was kind of like.. over-rendering everything in a way that i think would have made drawing that action scene a nightmare. by the time i got back to it in chapter 14, i had figured out how to dial things back and not over work my pages as much anymore. not that over-rendering made everything worse, but overall the experience of making pages was not as effective and draining. 

Not sure where im going with all these thoughts, but it is curious to me that I made nail/mop about 3 years into making FFAK.. which by the time FFAK was that old, a lot had happened in the story and development wise for the story. When i think about it now, its hard to conceptualize just how much I wrote/made during that time. Now i feel a lot more conservative with my ideas and plans, but thats also partly because i am always accommodating FFAK. When there wasn’t any FFAK.. that space to make a lot of things was totally open. I didn’t feel restrained. That was great! But im very different now in every aspect of the creative process. I am very restrained in many ways, of my time, my choices..ect.. I have to calculate it with everything else im already doing.. In a strange way though I think I prefer it. I make a lot better choices for the stories, but they don’t come easily or quickly which can be frustrating. Its just so different and i wonder if that differences are going to be seen and felt in this second arc as much as it is from my perspective? I don’t know.. I still havent drawn it yet, so that part is still a mystery on how it’ll be received LOL.. Just a lot i’ve been thinking about lately. My (unfinished) fairy comic is already 5 years old now and im like.. What..? but its true.. I started working on it in 2020. It does NOT feel 5 years old. Because when FFAK was 3, it already had changed so much in that time. 3 years was like a lifetime of experiences for FFAK. 5 was even more than that. Comparing comic experiences doesn’t ever really make sense logically though. They all have their own paths for growth.. And i see that more & more now especially with NRD, which I have never BEEN at a better place with creatively than I am now. Its like the love of my life since last year, which I would have never expected.. But that took me like 8 years to get to. Usually you expect the honeymoon period of a story is going to be in the early years ,when the idea is ripe and new and exciting.. And sure, NRD had that but its not like it is now. It has never felt more alive and interesting to me to work on. 

There’s been a lot of years of struggle with NRD too, where I almost felt like I was wading through the mud and not sure if it was even a story worth telling cuz it just felt like it was holding me back, reminding me too much of my life i was trying to move on and heal from. But last year i had a breakthru and now im in a sort of different struggle with it where I dont want the comic to end anymore. I will try to though, but as its getting closer to it its like a mourning process has started. It both feels impossible to end the comic because of how hard/long is to actually draw things LOL but also impossible like emotionally to let go of. I made NRD during the fallout of.. A LOT of things in my life but also specifically a break up of a long term relationship.. I’ve been single all this time and now the comic is like. My surrogate boyfriend almost? 

Im AWARE of this intense attachment to it and its like.. My comfort blanket that enables this loneliness in me to not do something different in my life to change that loneliness. Part of me feels like i CAN’T yet. I have to finish the story! But that’s not really it.. I think that if its gone, I won’t have a "reason" to enable my isolation, and by reason I mean purpose in a goal that I’m determined to accomplish that is significant to me.. Which of course, finishing a story will always be one of the biggest motivations in my life despite avoiding it so much, as much as possible in some ways to get to the point and moving on from it. Sometimes its hard being so aware, knowing myself through my own art and writing that my biggest problem is not being able to let go. 

[theambitiouswoman]

How do I overcome self-esteem issues in dating?

Growing up, I don't have pretty privilege like some of my girl friends do, and guys normally would not approach me because I come across as "intimidating" (I have a RBF). I've approached guys I had crushes on at school but I always get rejected, they say that I'm better as a friend than a romantic partner.

I thought my luck finally turned around when I met my ex on a dating app. He checked off many things on my list e.g., successful career, financially independent, exercises regularly and takes care of himself. But after several months I realized that he only dated me because he was lonely and it was convenient for him. He didn't want to commit to me when I asked for something serious. I was crushed. I felt like I was undeserving of love and am convinced that I'll never find someone who will accept me as a partner because I'm not my type's type.

I'm trying to pick myself back up again. I started going to the gym, doing proper skincare, eating healthier, and dressing up better to feel good about myself. But I still find myself secretly hoping for the validation of successful and attractive men when I'm in social settings, as if that proves that I am an equal or "at their level".

I'm aware that this mindset is toxic but I'm struggling to find an effective way to grow out of it. Appreciate your thoughts on this.

Hi beautiful girl

I just want to say how much I admire your self awareness and the effort you’re putting into bettering yourself. It makes you stand out in the best way 🤍 It’s so hard to be dedicated to growth when we don’t feel our best. Use this as a building block for your confidence in case no one has ever told you.

Now, let’s talk about this whole “pretty privilege” thing. Yes, some girls might have an easier time getting attention, but attention and genuine connection are two very different things. You’re not looking for surface level validation—you’re looking for someone who truly sees you & trust me, that’s worth way more than a few extra DMs from guys who just like a pretty face who want you for bad reasons. Pretty privilege is not just about looks and I hate how much the internet emphasizes it. Because pretty privilege is also about your confidence and self respect. How tall you stand. How you put yourself together. How you treat others. I see countless girls who aren’t wildly attractive by societal standards who get treated with “pretty privilege” and you know why? Because they are confident.

I totally get the frustration of feeling like you’re “not your type’s type,” but that’s just a story your past experiences have made you believe—it’s not a fact. First of all, men don’t date who they want, they date at the level of their self esteem. I’ve said this many times before and I’ll repeat it. Men literally never know what they want. Anything you hear men say that they do, it really means the opposite. I’ve never seen this not be true. Because men will always cling to a woman who makes them FEEL, since men have so much trouble with emotion. The right person will find you incredibly attractive, not just in looks but in energy, presence, and personality. You already have so much to offer & you don’t need to prove your worth to anyone, especially men who don’t recognize it. So instead of worrying about if a guy likes you, ask yourself if you like him. Learning to disconnect from the approval of others is important for confidence. And if you approve of yourself, you don’t care what other people think.

You’re already doing amazing things for yourself—the gym, skincare, eating well, dressing up—and that’s exactly where your focus should be. Instead of seeking validation, shift the energy into being the woman you admire. And when you walk into a room, don’t wonder if successful men will notice you—ask yourself, Do I even find them impressive? (promise most aren’t lol — you’re going to have to trust me on this) Do they bring the same value to the table that I do? That little mindset shift will change everything.

Become your own biggest fan. Ask yourself, If no one could see or comment on what I do, would I still want to do it? If the answer is yes, that’s self approval. Unfollow or distance yourself from anything that makes you feel like you need to prove your worth. Instead of trying to impress others, focus on whether they impress you. The most magnetic people are unapologetically themselves. Thats incredibly hot. And everyone is drawn to a woman whose life revolves around herself. Seriously that’s all you’re missing!!! You’re doing so great!

Decenter everyone and center yourself!

You’re not behind, you’re not lacking and you’re absolutely deserving of a love that feels easy, mutual, and aligned. Keep growing, keep glowing and trust that the right people will come into your life because of the confidence and self worth you’re building—not because of how much you chase external validation.

Love you, most of these guys don’t deserve you anyway. Especially with all of the work you’re doing for yourself. Too good for most. A man needs to earn you and work twice as hard to keep you. And men love working for something babygirl.

[synthetickitsune]

hello!! i absolutely love all of your seventeen works, your writing is so amazing 💗

i was wondering if i could request some junhui comfort where he’s home after a long time. it could be angsty, maybe leading into a little spice but you can choose the premise of where it goes! i just wanted to give the idea since we all miss him sm

thank you so much 💗 feel free to skip if it’s not okay! i just wanted to tell you that i absolutely live your writing and i come baxk to your jun works almost all the time!

Jun (SVT) | Back home fluff | 0.8k | gn!reader A/N: thank you so much, anon!! you're so sweet ♡ i hope this is okay!

He keeps bumping into furniture. He keeps having to look for snacks, little things he needs. Embarrassingly enough, he can’t remember where to put the dishes when unloading the dishwasher. 

It’s the small things that really break a man and Junhui hasn’t felt this lost and desperate in a long time. You always chuckle and reassure him it’s fine, help him figure out his way around the apartment - and he loves that. He loves that he gets to kiss you and tell you he wouldn’t survive without you and hear you laugh. Nonetheless he can’t help but feel sad that you need to do that. He doesn’t want to be a stranger in his own home. 

To be fair, it’s understandable. You made some changes - that you’ve consulted and agreed on with him - to the apartment layout, you got some new furniture, and thus stuff just had to be moved around. He remembers how long you’ve complained about getting used to it yourself, so he frankly shouldn’t be taking this as hard as he is. It’s inevitable. He must just be missing sharing the experience with you.

It piles up, though, these little frustrations, and while you’re resting on the couch one day, the television just a background noise for Jun, who’s intently listening to you talking about your day, and you mention sometimes he has no clue about - it just gets too much. You see the way his face falls and his brows furrow slightly and immediately want to make it right.

“Oh my god, I forgot to tell you about this,” you jump up and as excited as you seem to be to fill him up, he can’t match your energy.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers and gives you a sad half smile, “I’ve been gone for too long, right?”

Now it’s your time to frown. You shake your head and put your hand over his.

“Jun, you were working. It’s alright,” you try to reassure him.

“I know, but that’s not what I asked,” he insists. You sigh.

“You were gone for a while, yeah, but it can’t be helped,” you say calmly while you intertwine your fingers, “What’s going on?”

He shrugs. To be honest he didn’t plan to spill the beans, would rather figure it out on his own. You’re looking at him like that, though, and he doesn’t want you to worry. So he takes your other hand into his as well and turns to fully face you.

“I feel like I don’t belong here-”

“Jun-”

“No, please,” he squeezes your hands, “Just listen.”

He doesn’t know where it all came from, but he can’t stop the words from spilling out. He knows he’s rambling and probably doesn’t make sense, one half-finished sentence turning into another, yet he’s helpless to stop. Whenever he looks up, though, you’re listening and nodding along. Jun must be falling in love all over again.

“What I want to say is,” he licks his lips and lets his head fall forward. He hasn’t even noticed you got so close that he can rest it on your shoulder. He’s not complaining. “I missed you and everything feels too new.”

“I missed you too,” you wrap your arms around him, “You’ll settle in, just give it time. There’s nothing else to do. Remember how I kept stubbing my toe on the new dresser? You haven’t once, so you’re already doing better than me.”

He chuckles and finally hugs you back. “Or we can rearrange the place again. So we’re struggling again together.”

“Baby the whole point was that you’d come home and could just relax without worrying about this stuff,” you sigh. Honestly it’s more of a whine because just imagining going through the whole process feels overwhelming.

“Just the bedroom? I don’t want to feel like a stranger in there,” Jun pulls away to give you the best starving man begging for bread crumbs look he can muster. You gaslight yourself into thinking you won’t give in.

“It’s almost midnight,” you try to argue but you’re getting weaker.

“Please? It’ll be quick. We don’t need to do much,” he pleads with you.

And because you’re a fool in love, it’s now two a.m. and you’re shifting the bed closer to the windows. Music is playing softly in the background to keep you energetic. Your boyfriend keeps shushing the furniture as if it was its fault that it’s being moved when your neighbours are likely already asleep. The bedside tables are standing by the wall, judging you.

By four a.m. your bedroom looks familiar but not the same. Jun is beaming though, and that’s important.

[homestuckreplay]

take me down to the pesterlog city where jade’s text is green and john gets all petty

(page 1394-1406)

It’s pesterlog time!!!! In a 12 page spread (1391-1402) there are seven pesterlog pages representing five characters. I feel like I am a medieval peasant attending my first palace banquet. The rich offerings of character moments and variety of colors on display is blowing my gruel-fed brain.

The art also kicks ass this update! Tbh I am going to make a post about the art more generally as I’ve noticed some big changes recently (and some slow changes that are very apparent when jumping back) so for today I’ll just say: look at this super cool art of John exploring LOWAS on page 1395. He’s so clearly questing in a way that the sprite just can’t represent. I would get this framed for my wall.

I’m delighted to get a longer conversation with CG, who I’ve named Reggie. They’re actually fun and creative with their trolling techniques here, and knowing what they look like means I get to imagine this little grey kid grinding their fangs as they tap away on their keyboard furious at a comparatively sweet and clueless guy. They look like a goofy nerd whose bark is way worse than their bite.

‘IT WOULD MAKE ME SICK TO MY HUMAN STOMACH IF I HAD ONE OF YOUR HUMAN STOMACHS’ is VERY funny. Reggie feels similar to the Felt and Midnight Crew in being so over-the-top in their violence that it loops back around to being funny. And John’s reactions are good too – he’s not upset at the trolling like Jade is, he’s hilarious and willing to turn Reggie’s snark back on them. Their willingness to play off each other definitely increases the ‘enemies to lovers’ feeling of this Valentine’s Day conversation.

It is interesting that Rose accepted GA’s offer to be friends (p.1093), and now Reggie is telling John that they’re friends in the future (p.1394). So suddenly the trolls, who act and look textbook malicious at first, are trying to play nice. Are the trolls setting this up in order to double cross the kids in the future? Or are the trolls trying to incorporate the kids into their group and get them to follow some sort of dark trolling agenda? Or are they also just outcast alien kids who troll people because they’re lonely and want some attention? Hard to say when we have only heard from three of them.

There is something amazing about PM’s sword previously being used for vengeance (p.844, 870) and this time when she tries to do similar, she’s interrupted by WV who convinces her to use it to open cans and share food instead. WV may be from the dark kingdom but he feels like a peacemaker between the light and dark sides, refusing to fight against either PM or AR. I mean he is literally followed around by the light of serenity. And now he sits between PM and AR and shares his food and Tab and they all become friends, which honestly, is amazing mayoral work. Solving disputes in the town already. I really think he could build a town just like Spades Slick did.

This view of Dave’s city is cool too, I love the color of the sky! He straight up lies by saying ‘i always keep birds in here its sort of my thing’ (p.1400) and calling it sincere, considering his earlier bird-free room (p.312). He is on way too many layers of irony to decode (i.e. he just says whatever bullshit comes to mind that might be funny with no regard for whether it’s true or false). Which is soooo great for getting to know his character (also he should stop saying slurs).

However, I can see why Dave is annoyed by Rose here. Like he does kind of bring this all on himself by being so ironic all the time and talking about how ‘cool’ his brother apparently is, but, it’s gotta be hard when he’s been telling Rose about fighting his brother on the roof and she’s dismissing that he went through a lot to get the beta to save her, when Jade had it literally handed to her. Rose doesn’t know the details so I’m not mad at her, but it still can’t be easy for Dave to hear that dismissal from a friend.

I do feel like Rose and Jade have this alliance in seeing themselves as the two who know what’s going on, with the combined power of Jade’s visions and Rose’s perceived high intelligence. This whole update is very gender roles but this does evoke page 838, where Rose is far more aware of Jade’s powers and the type of information she has access to than John or Dave are.

Meanwhile in Dave and John land...

TG: i should probably text him soon TG: see whats up TG: because TG: i love him

Straight up adorable. Don’t even pretend to me that there’s a shred of irony in this. I love how close these guys are. This is sort of the first declaration of love in Homestuck unless you count John’s telling Liv Tyler on his Armageddon poster that he loves her (p.223).

We specifically don’t get to see Rose’s conversation with a troll (yet), but I think we can assume she’s talking to GA, probably the only troll she respects enough to prioritize over Dave. We also don’t see where in the Medium Rose is; John assumes that she’s also in the Land of Wind and Shade, but according to Rose, ‘It’s hard to say for certain. But I think I like it here.’ (p.1402). If the Medium has four planets in between the light and dark (p.703) (holy shit half the story ago) then it makes sense for the players to all start on different planets and have to find each other, so we could be getting ANOTHER super aesthetically cool land within the next few weeks. Or teased repeatedly until the end of the act, who knows.

The puppets (including a wizard puppet) clinging to the totem lathe on page 1403 is a very good gag. Also, ‘eggy loking thign’ (p.240) spotted here in the menu?? Implying a limited set of Sburb entry items?? Also 2,000 starting build grist for Jade to use compared to 20 for Rose, and a bunch more gizmos and gadgets available to deploy, including a disc with a piece of green grist (?) and two devices shaped like captchalogue/strife cards; a further tease of what’s to come.

Finally, I’m so glad Hussie agrees with me that there’s no fucking way Jade knows how to clean a house. Even if she has absorbed gender roles and sees cleaning as a woman’s activity (p.1405) she definitely was not taught to do that and designed some kind of robot to do it for her.

[lilygoofywritingcave]

Happy Valentine's Day !!!!

Oh, it seems a certain member in Slaughterhouse has sent you a letter, are you brave enough to open it?

Spoilers warning for character names

Misaki, the ever silly contract killer

"To Y/N, the chaos to my mayhem (or Whatever Romantic Crap I’m Supposed to Say),

Alright, so listen, uhh I was just planning on sending you a pic of a raccoon holding a heart and call it a day, BUT APPARENTLY that’s not “romantic” enough. Smh. So now I’m here, struggling to put actual words together instead of just sending you a keyboard smash and hoping you get the vibe.

So. Uh. Lily. You menace. Do you have ANY idea what you've done to me?? I’ll see something stupid n immediately think, “Oh, Y/N would laugh at this.” Like. That’s so weird. That’s EMBARRASSING. I save memes just to send you at 3AM, YOU are why Im having sleep deprivation (the good kind ofc). I would smile at my phone like an absolute idiot whenever your name pops up. It’s sick. You did this to me.

Also. Explain why you write me like I’m some cool badass when I’m just some gremlin with a knife and a rifle. Like. Hello??? Ma’am???? I do crimes, that's no news, but then you come along with your little fics n suddenly I feel like maybe, just maybe, I’m not just the sum of all the bad things I’ve done. I don’t know how to process that. Or you. You make my brain short-circuit without needing to doomscroll Tiktok.

ANYWAY. Point is, you’re mine now. No take-backs. Stuck with me forever, I will continue to be the most annoying gremlin in your life, sending you unhinged voice notes, and remind you every day that you matter. Because you do. A lot. (EW I HATE HOW SAPPY THAT SOUNDED MOVE ON PLS...)

...Okay, I think I’ve reached my emotional limit. I need to go set something on fire to balance this out. Or at least, like, flip a table.

Happy Valentine’s, silly.

Misaki Katsuo"

V, cold outside but cares more than you know

"To dear Y/N, Valentine’s Day seems to demand people to express affection for each other, something flowery and poetic. Although I consider traditions like that often exaggerated, but it felt unfair for you. So, I’ll keep this simple, for your sake.

You... matter to me, more than I would want to admit. You’ve become a part of my life in a way I didn’t expect, it is frankly troublesome how often my thoughts wander to you. And despite my usual preference for order, I don’t mind the chaos you bring. In fact… I think I’d miss it if it were gone.

I could compose some poetical metaphor, comparing you to the moon, the stars, or whatever romantic nonsense one is expected to write in a letter such as this, but I won’t waste your time.

Just know that if you ever need me, whether for something important or as simple as spending time together, you have only to say the word and I'll always be there.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Y/N.

"Valentin Viljoen"

Angel, sweet and dangerous like a rose

To My Love, Happy Valentine’s Day.

I know, I know, cheesy, cliché, overhyped day… but I don’t care. Today is just another excuse for me to remind you how much you mean to me, and I’ll take it.

You, you are the one thing in my life that feels real, no cameras, no flashing lights, no expectations to be perfect. Just us, and I need that more than I ever realized.

I’m not easy to love, am I? Always getting caught up in my work, in my image, in making sure everything and everyone is okay… but you? You remind me that I’m more than what people see. That I’m allowed to breathe, to be a little selfish, to take up space in someone's life without feeling guilty.

You make me feel like I’m enough. And I don’t know if I’ve ever felt that before.

So, for today, no, for always, I want you to know that I love you. In the quiet moments, in the chaos, in every way I know how. I love you when I get overwhelmed and you remind me to rest. I love you when you make me laugh so hard I forget whatever stress was eating at me. I love you when you’re just, you.

I don’t say it enough, but thank you, for seeing me, for staying, for being the best thing to ever happen to me.

Now, let’s turn off our phones, ignore the world for a while, and just be together. That’s all I really want.

Your Angel,

Maria de la Rosa

And lastly, the devil himself, Ronin

to my dearest darlin’ Y/N,

there’s always a certain rhythm to a heartbeat. steady, but unique for everyone. funny little thing, really. you press your fingers just right, and there it is: life, thumpin’ away under the fragile skin. but oh, how delicate it is. how easy it Is to destroy

. tell me darlin', have you ever wonder, what it takes to keep that aorta singin’? how much someone’s got Left in ‘em before rotting away? or how love can sink its teeth in deep, turning even the purest souls dark, twisting the light ‘til it don’t shine the same no more?

ironic, ain't it? how even the worst of ‘em, either gutted or broken, still has a heart. just like yours, still beating, lively as ever, a reminder that you’re here and you’re real. that you’re eVerythin’, my everything.

and isn't that a beautiful thing? to havE you readin’ this, seeing the devil puttin' his feelings into words. there ain't no poetrY sweet enough, no god powerful enough to take it away.

Over and over, i think about you, about the way you laugh, the way you exist. about how this world feels a little less, rotten with you in it. Understand this, darlin', you got me by your side. for as long as that pretty little heart of yours beats, you and i will face whatever this shitty world throws at us, together.

Don't ever forget that. And don’t think for a second i’d ever let you go. Remember this and Listen close. It's always been you and you only. Nothing will ever change that.

happy valentine’s, darlin’.

—r. beaufort

(P/S: you know how i play, let's get that pretty brain to work)

[sweetbillwriting]

Way Out of Line

SEVEN

Character: Keith Toshko from Barbarian (2022) played by Bill Skarsgård.

Warnings: 18+, NSFW, heavy themes.

My family and I had gone to Aspen since I was seven. My dad's practice went well, and we had recently bought the house we lived in now; the one before had been much more modest. I had never seen myself belonging to a class; for me, my family was just an ordinary family, but after I had started college, I had realized what a safe environment I came from. Jason and I were given trips, expensive clothes, and had done the activities we wanted since we were kids. I started to go to the hairdresser every fourth week when I was twelve. For me, money wasn't that big of an issue and probably why I didn't react that much to the news that Keith was rich. The only thing I could think was that it might be easier to get my parents to accept us as a couple if he could give me economic security, but otherwise I just thought about his divorce. It wouldn't be easy for him to become a single man.

The thought of his divorce was what destroyed the trip for me because I couldn't really enjoy the present. The only thing I could enjoy were our late-night conversations and what he had taught me. He was the one teaching me how to masturbate. My finger transformed to his during our conversations and also his cock, even if my fingers were much smaller.

“I’ve gotten something for you. When you come home, your dad will receive a package for me that he will put in my bedroom, but then you can get it.”

I looked at him with a small smile, believing it would be jewelry or maybe a dress, now that I knew he had money. He sat with a bare chest against a white wall with some fluffy brown pillows behind him. I sat naked on the bed of my hotel room, tired after having two orgasms.

“What is it?”

“It's a dildo,” he said with a smirk. Just the word made me blush but another feeling followed. Was it disgust? I couldn't tell, but it obviously showed on my face because Keith laughed.

“Baby, it's nothing weird. Especially not when I work like I do. I will be away like this again, and I think you need a better replacement for me than your small hands. It will hurt again when I come home otherwise.”

I didn't say anything because I only thought about the plastic manhood and felt the weird feeling spread through my chest. It was one thing to call him daddy and show my naked body on Snapchat, but receiving a sex toy? Even if I didn't know if I believed in Jesus, I could feel him judging me from above.

“It's classy, I promise. And pink.”

I swallowed hard because to me his cock was also pink, and even if I had learned to appreciate his cock’s appearance, I didn't need a plastic replica in my nightstand drawer.

“And it's smaller, so it will be kinder than me,” he joked, even if he always was kind when we had any form of sex.

“Okay…” I said with an exhalation, prepared to give it a chance. I could look at it first. Keith smiled sweetly.

“There is also lube and handcuffs in there.”

“Keith!” I said now with rose-red cheeks that made him laugh.

“What? Come on, baby girl, it's nothing. It's just for fun, but we don't have to do anything. I guess… You just make me so fucking horny. The pictures of you… I look at them so much it's unhealthy. I've just parked somewhere to jerk off sometimes and…” He dragged his hands through his hair like he was embarrassed, and I laughed at his awkward body language. He looked so sweet when he looked all uncomfortable, but he was dirty under that sweet persona.

I could see how his eyes fell to my naked breasts again, and without looking up, he corrected his phone and how he sat so I could see that impressive erection lay against his belly. I giggled, and he smirked and dragged his hand over his shaft.

“What is it, princess?” He said with a smirk. “Are you laughing at Daddy?”

“No, Daddy,” I giggled and bit my thumb, attractively.

“Otherwise, I must spank you even more when I come home.”

“Even more?”

“Yes, you’ll be punished for not accompanying me to Detroit.”

“You never asked!”

“You should have asked, so this is your fault, baby girl. Daddy shouldn't need to do all the work.”

He smirked teasingly, and I scoffed, amused at him.

“Can you get on all fours over your phone so I can see if you're wet for Daddy?”

I blushed again. It was obvious he liked it when I became embarrassed and felt challenged, but as I was told. I always did what he wanted because I realized I liked it too. I liked the power he had over me and how he made me feel small but sexy.

He told me to touch myself, and I could hear him jerk off even if I couldn't see him. Just that was a turn-on. I knew he probably took some screenshots too, because he always did. He was a dirty old man who jerked off in his car between house showings, but I liked it, and I sent him more photos without him even asking. He liked close up videos of me masturbating but he also liked innocent photos of me pouting in discontent. He liked when I woke him up with a sweet message or sent him a video of me doing my makeup.

I wondered if he was in love with me, if he thought about me as much as I thought about him. It did seem like it because every night he called me when he was away. He did the last week he was away too.

“So what, you share a house with that girl now? I asked on the phone. He hadn't video called me that night but voice called me instead in a hushed tone, probably so the girl wouldn't hear him.

The Airbnb he stayed in had been double booked, and because of some conference in Detroit, neither of them could find another place to stay. He told me the girl was probably a few years younger than him and was quite nervous in his presence. I couldn't understand why; Keith was the sweetest man.

“But like… Where will you sleep?” I asked carefully.

“On the couch. I can't let a woman stay on the couch, my mom taught me better,” he joked, and I made an amused sound even if I was worried.

“Where is she now?”

“She’s in the bathroom.”

I swallowed hard. I was Keith's mistress; could he cheat on me too? He had an easy chance now, in another town, living with some girl without a connection to him, his wife, or me.

“Is she pretty?” I asked with a dry, nervous voice.

“Baby…” he said with a sigh.

“Please just answer. Is she pretty?”

Keith was silent on the line a few too many seconds, and that really said it all to me, but he still answered.

“I guess she is, but…” he sighed again.

I had no idea how Keith was towards other women. He was a sweet, good-looking guy. Tall and manly. I didn't even know if he needed to be any certain way to get women's attention, but I still wondered if he was the flirty kind. He had caught me on his hook so easily even when I had considered myself elusive.

“So what are you doing, baby girl?” He tried to change the subject; it was painfully obvious, but I let him. I didn't know what more I could say on the subject.

“I’m just watching a series.”

He tried to get me to talk about the series, but our conversation died quite quickly. I noticed by the questions he asked that he prepared himself to hang up.

“I will never forgive you if you sleep with her!”

The words suddenly burst from me, right before we would say goodbye.

“I will not sleep with her.” He sighed, and I could hear irritation in his voice.

“Yes, you will! I know you will! Look what you're doing to me! My dad is your best friend!”

I was a crying desperate mess, spilling out my fears on him.

“How can I trust you?!”

Keith was silent on the line until I heard a low, unamused laugh.

“Ohh… Wow! I think it's time for us to hang up here… I need a drink. I… I’ll see you around.”

“Keith… Daddy…” I whined. I said the pet name in an attempt to gain his attention, but he gave me a low goodbye before hanging up. I looked at the phone in my hand, now crying silently to myself. Why did I say all that? I hadn't even so much as thought about how our relationship could tell you about him as a person. Now, it clearly came up as soon as I felt unsure about him.

I thought about calling him back, but something told me Keith wasn't the person who would see that as a type of love language; he would just see it as annoying. Instead, I wrote a message on Snapchat:

I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it, and I trust you. Please just call tomorrow or something. I really like you, Keith.

He opened it but didn't answer.

×××

Dad stood by the entrance door with the anonymous brown package in his hands. He casually chatted with the delivery guy and dropped the package to his side. I had heard him say it was to Keith Toshko, so I knew what my dad held in his hand, while he didn't have a clue. He closed the door when the delivery guy turned his back on him and then looked down on the package. It was as big as a small shoebox, and he could easily hold it in one hand. I stood by the stairs, having paused in my steps after hearing the delivery guy say Keith's name. My dad looked at me, looked again at the box, then stretched his arms out towards me.

“Can you put this on Jason's bed for Keith?” I looked at the box like he gave me a loaded weapon and put my hands behind my back, afraid to even touch it. It was no longer for me, but it was still meant to be for me.

“Why can't you do it?” I asked with a small voice. My dad furrowed his brows.

“Sure, I can. I just thought you were on your way up?”

“I must study.” I said it shortly and ran up the stairs without looking back at him. It felt like he would be able to see by me or the box that we belonged together if we were in the same room for too long. It wasn't a realistic thought, but in my world of sadness, secrets, and lies, it was. I had already lost Keith, so now I would do everything to be my dad's little girl again.

×××

I stared at the book lying on the pillow in my lap. The letters could have been Chinese letters because I couldn't understand them anyway. I just thought about mine and Keith's conversation from the day before. I regretted it so hard that I had even asked him about the girl he had to share a space with. I should have just pretended I didn't care at all, like it was just normal that he would share a house with a girl he didn't know, but every emotion in my body became hard to control, and I could feel emotions I had never felt before flying around my heart. I couldn't even name them or differentiate them. It just felt like some sort of creature had started to chew inside of me, on every organ, and wanted to break free.

Of all of the feelings, I could differentiate two, though: two feelings I often felt with Keith: curiosity and horniness. I want to look through that package. I wanted to see what he wanted us to explore. He had thought about us when he ordered it. Because he wanted to be with me.

I tried to continue to read in my book about 1800th-century English but let it glide down from the pillow in disinterest. I needed to get the package. Keith had said I should do that, so carefully I sneaked down the hallway to Jason's room and opened the door slowly. Mom had cleaned it since Keith had left it, made the bed with new sheets, and left the few items Keith had forgotten on the dresser (a pair of black socks, AirPods, and a pack of cigarettes), but there wasn't a box on the bed as I had suspected. I walked into the room and looked around confused until I saw the box behind the dresser opened. The panic attacked me quickly, and I almost ran up to the box that really was opened. It was obvious what had happened; my dad had opened it. My dad had opened the box containing his daughter and best friend's sex toys. A numbness spread over my face and hands while I looked into the box. There was just a fuchsia-colored card in it with the company's logo.

It was quite awful of my father to open the box without permission, and I wondered what he would do with the contents. Did I want to know? I hoped he maybe had taken it hostage to bully his friend, but I couldn't stop other thoughts from coming over me. They were thoughts I hadn't even imagined in my wildest fantasy I would have.

I sneaked back to my room again with even more weird feelings, and the creature became even bigger, eating on my lungs. It was just all too much, and there wasn't anyone else to blame but me who had instigated it by showing my breasts to my dad's best friend.

×××

A week later, when I came home from campus on a late afternoon, I could feel another energy as soon as I came into the hallway. I knew he was back. I didn't even take off my outerwear; instead, I stood with my beating heart, waiting for it to come up through my throat.

They couldn't have heard I had came home, or they didn't care because I could hear both my parents and Keith from the living room. My parents laughed at something while Keith made a sound like he was embarrassed.

“But who is she then? You can trust us to not tell anyone,” said my dad curiously.

“It's over now.” Keith was short in his answer but didn't sound irritated.

“Why? Because of the divorce?” Asked my mom.

“We can say it like this: she was far too young.”

My dad made a weird laugh I hadn't heard before, and it sounded like my mom gave him a hit in the chest.

“How young?” He asked. He sounded excited, like he was the one dating a younger woman.

“Far too young. It's hard being with someone who—”

I stomped into the living room, still in my dirty boots and red coat. Keith sat in the white armchair closest to the entrance door with the back towards me. My parents sat on the matching couch with their faces towards me. Keith turned his face and looked straight at me.

“Hey, hey.” He gave me a small smile and a nod. I didn't have the opportunity to register his feelings.

“Honey!” My dad laughed awkwardly. He probably didn't think I should hear what Keith spoke about, and he gave my mom a pointed look.

“We've already eaten, but I saved you a plate.” My mom jumped up from the couch and approached me. “Take off your outerwear and I can warm it for you. It's schnitzel.”

I nodded a little but looked at my dad and the back of Keith's head. My dad still smirked, amused and proud, at Keith, like he was living through him, and my mom probably let him because they had been married for so long. Little did they know it was their daughter Keith talked about. That he got me to call him daddy and take his cock until I was bleeding. I wondered if my dad would smirk if he knew that.

I ate by myself in the dining room and let “the grown-ups” continue to talk, then I went to my room without saying anything to them. I still couldn't grasp my feelings, and hiding felt like the best option, but couldn’t for long because there was knock on my door just after 30 minutes.

“It's me…” said Keith through the door. I held my breath while I thought about what I would do even if I knew what I wanted, but I didn't know if I was ready.

“Come in.”

I sat under the cover, just dressed in panties and one of my many spaghetti tops. The clock was just 7pm, but it looked like I was ready for bed. Keith opened the door but stood at the threshold, dressed in a plaid flannel shirt and gray sweats. His feet were bare even if our floors were so cold.

“Are you okay?” He asked with care, as he walked into the room slowly. I nodded a little, waiting for him to talk because I had no idea what the creature would do if I opened my mouth.

“Good… Ehm… I'm sorry for talking downstairs… I shouldn't have, but your dad kind of found out I was seeing someone.”

Keith was classy to not tell how my father knew, but I knew all too well, but still I just nodded.

“Can I sit down?” Keith pointed at the bed, and I nodded again. He sat down softly on my floral sheets, and he dragged his hand over a pink velvet pillow. He looked around in my room, and I could guess what he was thinking—that I was just a little girl. He licked his plump lips and moved a bit nervously on the edge of the bed.

“I don't want us to end things like enemies. I don't want you to believe I am an asshole…”

“I know you're not,” I finally got out, and he looked at me with kind green eyes.

“But we must end things.” He added but looked at me in the same way. “You're young, and I don't think you're ready to be with someone so much older than you. I will always have women around because that's what a man of my age life looks like. I'm not a college boy.”

My throat had stopped working again even if I wanted to protest.

“I'm in the middle of a divorce. I worked with many different people, and I will not be by your side all the time, and maybe it's best if I move away from here. I don't want to complicate things for you.”

We looked deep into each other's eyes while I still was quiet. Keith swallowed in discomfort but didn't look away; he probably hoped for an answer, but it never came from me. I just tried to control the thing inside of me.

He patted my knee lightly, like some uncle would do, then he stood up.

“I hope we can be friends…” It was the last thing he said before leaving me alone.

×××

I sat by the breakfast table while my parents and Keith ran around the house in panic; I just buttered my bread unbothered even if I was the one that had created the mess. I looked at Keith standing in the hallway, dragging his hands through his slicked-back hair and threading his fingers together on his head. He wore a dark blue knitted sweater over a white button-up and black jeans and looked really dapper, but now he had messed his hair up so much he looked like he had walked through a storm.

“Are you sure you had it in the bathroom?” asked my mom as she nervously looked up at him. She was probably afraid she had by accident tossed it away—his wedding band.

“Yeah, I had put it next to the soap, then I thought I had put it in my toiletry bag, but it's not there,” said Keith, but he sounded quite unengaged, and it was then I realized he looked straight at me.

I looked down at my toast, spreading the orange marmalade over it so it mixed with the butter. I wouldn't say anything, and I knew Keith wouldn't cause a fight in front of my parents; that would expose everything to them. I heard Keith sigh loudly which turned into an irritated grunt. I didn't need to look to know that he was putting on his outerwear.

“I'm really so, so sorry, Keith. I will continue to search for it. It must be here somewhere.”

“We will find it… But May will not be happy…” Said Keith, trying to cover up his irritation. I looked up when I heard him say his wife's name. I couldn't see him anymore because he was behind the wall, but I could see my parents standing in the hallway, looking towards the entrance door where Keith was.

“She probably understands. You haven't worn it for a long time,” my mom tried to offer some assurance, as she walked closer to my dad, probably to get some support.

“Understand I've replaced my wedding ring? I don't think so. We had decided that we would collect all things of value to put in the safety box until we know how we will share it, and then I’ll come and say I can't find my wedding ring? She will not like it…” Keith sounded stressed, and I could see my parents felt the same thing while they looked at him.

“I think she will understand,” tried my mom again while my dad nodded.

Keith was silent, and even I could understand his annoyance, even if I was the thief. His ring still lay in my toiletry bag, and I would let it lie there for a while. I liked the thought of Keith's wife being really mad at him and him suffering. Even if Keith had let me go really nicely, I was still mad at him, but also, by holding on to that ring, it felt like I had some sort of effect on their divorce and that I wasn't as powerless as I had felt before. It felt like I could cause them to not get along and that Keith would never look at her again. Until I felt I didn't need that power anymore, I would give the ring back, but then and there I liked the power I had too much. Keith left as smoothly and silently as he did most things in life, but I knew he was irritated and that he had started to suspect me as the thief, but I would let him come and try to get it back if he dared.

×××

I hoped he would suspect me. I hoped he would suspect me so hard he felt forced to talk to me. I couldn't say why, but the thought of him being a bit mad at me turned me on even if I had lost him and he might just be angry at me for real. It was like anger was better than not getting any attention from him at all.

I got what I wanted because the next day when I came home, he leaned against the doorframe to the living room, and it looked like he was waiting for me. His hands were pushed down deep in the front pockets of his medium blue jeans, and his feet were bare. He wore just a simple black tee and looked relaxed with his hair messily styled back.

“Hey…” he said, dragging out the word so I understood he wanted to say something. I gave him a look but played nonchalant and took off my boots and my coat. I wore that little pink skirt he had commented on once before, and I could see he gave it a fast look.

“Can we talk? We're alone…” He stood up to his full height and made a lazy nod towards the living room.

“Why?” I asked with some attitude. I wanted to annoy him; I wanted to get some other feeling out of him other than that sweet, collected Keith he showed to the rest of the world.

“I was just wondering about something,” he said, just as nicely, and messed with a cuticle on his thumb.

“Then ask,” I said with a shoulder shrug.

Keith looked at me with big eyes, but they turned annoyed, and he looked away with a sour expression.

“Can we just sit down and talk like two grown-ups?”

“Grown-ups?” I said annoyed. “I thought I was just a little girl! Too young for everything!” I crossed my arms but still stood there, just welcoming a fight.

“For fuck's sake, Jaqueline…” Keith muttered and scratched his forehead. “I was just wondering if you've seen my wedding ring.”

I looked at him sourly, but I could see how he knew I was the one who had taken it, but he wanted me to say it myself, the same way you could teach kids to be ashamed. I felt ashamed when I looked at him because I couldn't really say why I had taken it. It was a childish act, but I didn't want to say to him how childish I actually was.

“I don't know. Maybe you have dropped it?”

“I haven't worn it since Christmas, and you know that too.”

I looked away like I didn't care, still with my arm crossed. Keith sighed but moved closer to me, so close I could smell his scent and needed to curl my neck in a C motion to see him.

“I’ll ask again…” His voice had changed. It was much darker and heavy, and I looked at him with an emotion similar to fear. “Have you seen it?”

He looked at me straight in the eyes, and I couldn't look away. His eyes were mesmerizing, big and hypnotic like the cat in Alice in Wonderland.

“I… I��” I stuttered and felt myself swaying on weak legs. I took a hold of his t-shirt just so I wouldn't fall backwards. I wanted to continue to play cool, but I couldn't, and instead I pushed my cheek against his chest and felt my eyes well up.

“I just want you to be mine...!”

I could both feel and hear Keith take a deep breath, then he laid his hand on the back of my head and patted my hair.

“You're jealous.” He said matter-of-factly. The word caused irritation to grow in my chest, and even if a tear fell, I pouted.

“No.”

“Yes, you are. You're a jealous, silly girl that believes every woman around me is your threat.”

“No…” I said but this time it was a bit shameful. I was jealous. I was jealous of his wife, who got to be his for real. I was jealous of that girl he lived with, who he could have done something with if he wanted to because he hadn't promised me anything. I was just the silly girl he could play silly games with.

Keith pulled me away from him, and with his hands on my shoulders, he looked at me. I stood with my eyes down at the ground so he wouldn't see my tears. If I had looked at him, I would have seen him smirking, amused at me, how he loved to make fun of me.

“Say you're jealous,” he teased, but it made me just start to cry more, and he laughed a little and pulled me against his chest again.

“You're so silly…” He laughed a little but bent down to give me a kiss on the nose. I looked up at him with hope it meant he forgave me.

“But you're my little silly baby.” I smiled carefully because I didn't dare to believe he had forgiven me. Keith laughed sweetly again, then gave me a soft kiss so I would understand we were back on it again.

×××

We sat together on the couch in the living room and looked at the ring between his fingers. I had gotten it for him, but to my surprise, he dragged me down the couch to look at it with him.

“I'm not in love with her. It was a long time ago I was in love with her,” said he and looked up at my face but lowered his eyes at the ring again.

“May?” I asked carefully, even if I knew. I had laid one of my legs over his and sat turned towards him, leaning my head against the back of the couch. Keith sat with spread legs, patting my nylon covered leg with his other hand.

“Yeah. May. We met when I was 25. That's a long time ago now…” He looked at me with a sad little smirk. I knew he looked at me that way because of the age. I was eight when he was 25.

“Got married when we were 28. We're the same age. Almost exactly, actually; her birthday is two days after mine…”

I looked down at my hands. Even if he said he wasn't in love with her, I could feel the emotions behind his words, and the jealousy we had talked about before made itself clear again.

“Our marriage died so slowly… I can't even really say what happened between us; it was just… A natural death?” He laughed a little and laid the ring on the coffee table. He turned to me, and when I looked up, I met his kind eyes and a bit of a worried smile.

“You okay?”

He dragged a hand over my thigh soothingly, and I faked a smile. I still felt jealous even if he said he didn't have feelings for her. Keith smiled crookedly and took my hand in his and kissed the inside of my wrist a couple of times. I looked at him with soft eyes and moved closer and closer to him so I could touch his lips with mine and feel my chest pressed up against his.

“I want you to be mine…” I whispered and looked down to see the part of him I knew I had some power over. I laid my hand over his belt, ready to open the thick leather, but he stopped me and laid his hand over mine.

“I know what you want, honey… I get that, but… If she finds out… Ehm… ” He dragged his other hand through his hair, stressed.

“I know about your money.”

I understood why he had such problems ending his sentence because he tried to keep his wealth a secret, but I already knew, so it felt easier for both him and me to just say I knew. “I know about your company and all that.”

Keith gave me a surprised look that transformed to an uncomfortable grimace. He lowered his eyes but nodded a little.

“Yeah… Yeah… She wants money. She would gladly see me cheat so she could get some of my family's money.” He looked up at me and moved closer to me.

“I can't let that happen because it was me who said to my family she and I would have a successful marriage. That we didn't need a prenup. And it's not my money. It's ours, my family's and… Fuck, I can't fuck this up, honey. However much I would like to be with you, I can't fuck this up.”

I understood what he meant but still had a hard time accepting it, so instead I got stuck sitting quietly and looking out over the room. Keith didn't say anything either for a long time until he stretched his arms like it was time for something else.

“Do you have any assignments I should look at?

I turned my eyes to him. At first, I couldn't understand what he was saying but nodded slowly when I finally did and thought about my schoolwork.

“Should I look at it?” He asked, patting my knee carefully. I nodded again and stood up as if I was in a trancelike state. I had too many thoughts, so it felt like it took longer for my brain to process my environment. I started to walk slowly towards the stairs to get my laptop in my room but turned around when my brain finally found what I had been wanting to ask.

“So it's over between us now?”

Keith looked up at me and dragged his hands over his jean-clad thighs.

“Do you want that?”

I gave him a strange look because I couldn't understand why he asked me that.

“I mean…” Keith stood up and approached me closely. It felt like I had forgotten how tall he actually was because I felt so small with him in front of me.

“I can't have a relationship with you, and I can't do anything about how my life looks… But of course I would want us to have our thing…” He smiled carefully and took my hand so he could play with my fingers. “The question is, do you want that? I understand if you feel that isn't fair…”

His eyes were big and full of emotions, and even if I knew the answer, I stood quietly and looked him deep in the eyes. He pulled me closer to his body and laid my hands on his chest.

“Hmm?” He said it like it was a real question, and it made me smile.

“That's okay… I want to—” I searched for the right word but couldn't find it, so in the stress of just talking, it didn't come out as I wanted.

“I want to love and sex with you.”

Keith looked amused when my cheeks grew redder and redder.

“I understand what you mean,” he said with a laugh, and then he leaned down and kissed me, healing everything that had happened before and soothing my embarrassment.

×××

The laptop stood in front of us on the coffee table with my assignment open, but Keith and I were busy making out. He pushed my hand against his crotch and dragged it over his erection harshly. When I started to do it by myself, he pushed me against the back of the couch with my legs up so he could drag his hand over my sex that was concealed under cotton panties and tights. I wished to have him closer but didn't dare to touch him more than over the jeans. Keith was not the shy one, though, and I could feel how his fingers worked between my legs. I thought he tried to just make it nice for me, but then he took a break from our kisses, looked me straight in the eyes, and then with a loud sound, he tore a big hole in the crotch of my tights. My eyes widened to double the size, and Keith smirked evilly while his fingers crept in the hole, moving my white panties to the side.

“Daddy just needs to be a bit closer, baby girl…” He kissed my shoulder while his fingertips dragged through my arousal that increased at every touch. I looked down at his fingers touching me. When he noticed, he was quick to spread me open so I could see my own wetness. Slowly, he pushed in the tip of his middle finger inside me and got me to make a low moan. After just a drag of one finger, he instead pushed three in me. It hurt, causing me to move involuntarily, but he stopped me from moving more.

“Daddy, just needs to stretch it out a bit so you can handle his cock. Your pussy is too tight for me…” he said with a smirk, holding his fingers inside of me. I breathed deeply, my feelings going wild but I never got the chance to answer because both of us heard the front door open.

×××

“Hey?” My mom looked at us in the living room. I had pulled down my skirt, and Keith pulled the laptop onto his lap, but we still sat as close together. She looked at us confused, seeing my leg lying over one of his and my chest pressed against his arm. I just smiled to make it seem normal. Keith had just given her a quick smile before he continued to look through my assignment. He tried to make it seem like he was busy.

“He helps me with the language,” I said to my mom and smiled sweetly, but she didn't smile back. She just looked at us intensely for a long time.

“I think we need to talk, honey.”

×

[chocodile]

Hi ! I’ve been a massive fan through the years, seeing you develop Hyden and his world and how full of life and wonder and details is so awe inspiring and cool! I really love your work and your style is so vibrant and electric! It always makes me happy when I see your posts pass by

I wanted to ask if you had any advice about wanting to share your stories with the world. I get so anxious that no one will care and I’ll just be posting to no one. I don’t want fame , just mutual interaction or have people genuinely curious , hear about others stories and be able to tell my own

How did you start? I don’t want to assume , but you do have so much confidence and are very well spoken in the way you explain your lore, what helped you get over any fears or worries?

Gosh, thank you so much for the compliments! That's so sweet of you to say… it means a lot to me that people enjoy my stuff.

My thoughts on your other questions about sharing stories are long, rambling, and disjointed… apologies in advance for the length, I swear I tried to edit this down:

Regarding sharing stories, I'd say the most useful thing you can possibly have is to have at least one friend you share story stuff with who is totally on board with it and having fun too. I've been coming up with stories and characters my entire life, and only twice have I really had an audience for it. Every other time it was just me and my sister, or me and a couple friends, or me and my wife doing creative stuff semi-privately just for the joy of the craft.

(Of course, I know that's easier said than done… but if you do have creative friends, organizing some plans to share stories with each other, ask questions, create AUs where your OCs from different stories interact with each other, etc can be very psychologically nutritious.)

Regarding feeling anxious, I suppose I never felt much anxiety about it myself, so I'm not sure how to advise there… I was a teenager on Neopets where putting massive amounts of work into character stories that nobody might ever read was the norm… unless you were astronomically popular, it was expected that you would probably never hear from your audience and would never know how many people read your stories. Everything was primarily for your own entertainment, and I carried that approach forward into other creative works. Of course, it's hard not to feel a little self-conscious these days, when you can easily see what people are saying and see who is getting "engagement" and who is not... but I do think that aiming to entertain yourself (and perhaps one or two friends) first and foremost is the healthiest approach. Plus, if you are really invested in something and constantly producing lots of art and info about it, people tend to pick up on that positive energy.

Apologies if this isn't super useful... I know "just don't care and also happen to have a bunch of friends with very specific interests!" is not very helpful advice in itself.

I have many other thoughts on "launching" a story, how to meet other OC creators, and trying to build an audience who interacts with your characters... it's something I've thought about a lot. I can share my insights for others in this boat, if anyone's interested? I'm unsure if I should include them here since it might feel lecture-y to Anon (and also this post is long enough, PHEW). Let me know if you're interested in hearing them though!

[noelxbe]

bexstevie

god, stevie hopes he doesn't. if things don't work at studio delta, then he's probably done after that; a third stint? he doesn't have it in him mentally to do it again. "never again a contestant. please-- we did our time." he says in a rush, making a motion of prayer. he's not sure if he'd join a show similar to next gen or not-- depending on the prize pool, maybe. "returning back as a coach would be cool. i like that they brought them back on this past season." it was nice to see familiar faces again. "really?" stevie blinks. he kinda knew that, even if he wasn't sure what applied where. he knew studio delta was more of a self-produced powerhouse, but he truthfully didn't pay too much attention; he just listened to what most people were saying online. "they're all pretty good at what they do though, no? must means whatever they got going down is working." "everytime i think i have it down, i mess it up." there's been so many instances of mess-ups because of his language barrier when he started working; to be honest, it's kinda given him a bit more of a push to try and learn more, but it's hard when there's so many other things he'd rather be doing. "i'm the same way dude. we should try learning together! or wait...do you think that might be a bad idea?" he laughs at the idea. they might get caught up chatting too much to actually get any real work done. "mine too! unless we're talking like...serious business. once they switch to english, i usually know i'm in for something." he rubs the back of his neck. "i prefer it, anyway. easier to get my thoughts out. you can always switch it to english with me, promise!"

“man i did it once and it felt like more than enough, you managed to survive through the show twice though…” noel truly finds stevie cool for being able to handle the show twice. had noel not gotten the contract the first time though, he might just have given up on the idol dream, so he was quite lucky he got that contract the first time he joined next gen. “i would say i would never return to a survival show again” he runs a hand through his hair “but if the prize was debut, i’m not sure what i’d do” he pouts, thinks about the possibility, he’s grown a lot since next gen, but he fears the evil editing would return if he ever joined a survival show.

“as far as my understanding goes, it seems like sr media, lime and studio delta are some of the biggest companies at the moment” that knowledge he got simply by his sister, he’d never investigated her words, simply chose to believe them. “so i suppose you’re lucky if you become a trainee in one of the companies” he shrugs “but they must know what they’re doing since they’re all big companies? i’m sure they all have different things that work out for them”.

“i’ve always been a quick learner, but when it comes to korean… not sure what happened, but i’m still not completely fluent” he sighs. “perhaps we should practice together, might not be the worst idea” he leans a bit back, “man i just finished school, and i’m still not done studying” a short laugh escapes his lips. “i don’t think us speaking english together will help with our korean, but… i just miss speaking english so bad” he pouts.

[evansbby]

my opinion on the Blake lively situation

[silkjade]

i haven’t been here much recently, and i’m sorry i’ve only been negative on the off chance i’ve been online, but let me just say one last piece before the end of this month, so that maybe the next might be better….

[jutsuuu]

girl help I’m experiencing

[fingertipsmp3]

Save me skincare routine. Save me stupidly expensive skincare routine in tiny bottles

[rosicheeks]

😒

[sob-dylan]

the cruelest thing about life is that i quit smoking weed before i could ever watch twin peaks its entirety.

[myfirstandlast]

going through answered asks from when i was 18 wanting to hold myself so tightly

[caffeinewitchcraft]

AITA for telling my boyfriend’s coworkers that he’s lying about his body count?

I (35f) have been dating my boyfriend (32m) for four years. It’s honestly been the best relationship until last Friday when it all went down. I feel like I’m in the right, but now I’m wondering if I overstepped.

For context, my boyfriend has been a professional Slasher for about eight months now. He’s always really admired Cryptids, Monsters, and Nightmares so when his application was finally accepted, he was over the moon even if he was starting in a lower position than he initially applied for.

At his company, being a Slasher requires a lot of travel which we knew when he accepted the position. The end goal is for him to get a promotion to at least regional Nightmare (he wants Cryptid, but that position doesn’t have a lot of turnover) but to get that he needs to be in role for at least 12 months OR meet his goals for three months in a row. Once he promotes, we plan to relocate to his new region and “start talking about our future.”

(Side note: no this isn’t about him not popping the question yet. We are both in agreement that marriage comes after financial stability. I run a small business doing scare consults and, while it’s been growing, I wouldn’t call it stable yet. So neither of us are ready.)

I told him it’s completely normal for it to take a whole year before he’s ready to promote and he really should focus on adjusting to the company before thinking about next steps. I used to work for a competitor (I’ve been retired for five years now) and I know it can be hard to go from only taking the occasional human life to having to take over half a dozen a week. It’s not a light workload, no matter how easy it looks in the movies. One of my best friends Slashes part-time and she still only averages about five lives a week despite having done it for years. Especially these days, it can be really hard to meet quota. Humans are getting smarter, no matter what the Council wants us to think.

Anyway, boyfriend didn’t do as well as he thought he would in his first couple months. Totally understandable, of course, which I told him. I suggested he ask his boss if he could be put on a couple team assignments or even a duo until he got the hang of it. That was our first real fight. He thought I was doubting his ability to kill. He brought up how I told him it would take over a year to promote and how I said that this job wasn’t for everyone (His first assignment ended with a 0% kill rate, but that’s a different story). He said it felt like I didn’t believe in him and he said that if that was the case then maybe we shouldn’t be thinking about marriage so soon.

It got pretty messy after that. I felt like he was forgetting that I’d worked in the same field and, arguably, had a lot more experience (not to brag, but I averaged a 98% kill rate). Also, four years is NOT too soon to talk about marriage. He said I didn’t understand how he needed to focus on his career right now. I told him I thought he was taking Slasher too lightly just because it wasn’t Cryptid. He accused me of not respecting him and then things spiraled from there.

We both said a lot of things we didn’t mean and I’m embarrassed that it turned into a bit of a fang measuring contest. I ended up sleeping under the bed for a few nights until he coaxed me out to apologize.

It was a rough patch, but we talked it out. We agreed that, going forward, I wouldn’t offer advice unless he asked and he would try not to take so much of his frustration home with him. He took a weekend off and we went on a recreational haunting trip in the Montana woods.

Things did get better after that. I tried not to give him consults every time he came back from a work trip. He started bringing me souvenirs like roses and cursed puzzle boxes his work said he could have. It became easier just to hang out with each other and it felt like we were back to normal.

But then, four months ago, he came home super pissed because his boss put him on a PIP. (A performance improvement plan.) Apparently, boyfriend had not been doing better at work, he had just stopped telling me when he had a bad assignment. I saw the paperwork he got (he left it in the dungeon under the house, I didn’t go through his stuff) and he’s been missing quota by a LOT. As a junior Slasher, he was supposed to be executing at least 6 people a week, but he’d been lucky to be maiming half that.

Obviously, I had to talk to him about that. We rent our house and, even though I could have afforded the rent on my own, I didn’t want to jeopardize the investments I was making in my business (I was in the process of hiring an assistant to handle my scheduling). Plus, we agreed from day one that we would be 50/50 on rent and I would take care of the rest of the bills because I earned more. I felt that if his financial situation was in jeopardy, he needed to talk to me about it.

I tried to approach him a bit differently than last time. I asked him if there was anything I could do to help. I told him about my slasher friend and how maybe she could give him advice if he didn’t want any from me. But he said he needed to figure stuff out on his own and that if he couldn’t get himself off the PIP then he would go back to work for his dad’s janitorial company.

I let it go. I was worried but I didn’t want to fight again just after patching the holes from the last blow out. It really bugged me that he thought I didn’t believe in him so I committed to giving him the benefit of the doubt. I said okay and asked him if he needed me to meal prep for both of us that week. He offered me grocery money, but I said it was fine since I’d had to deal with a lot of humans breaking in lately and I still had some leftover in the dungeon.

Fast forward a month. Boyfriend got off the PIP super fast. He worked his way off of it over Spring Break and started taking on a lot of extra assignments. In just four weeks he went to Miami Beach twice, New York City twice, and to three separate summer camps. I missed him and it was hard not having him around but I remembered how he said he needed to focus on his career and I tried not to nag.

It was hard not to nag though. With him gone, all the housework fell on me. We rent a 19th century manor, and its upkeep really does need two people. Doing all the chores plus running my business started to really drain me. Even when he was home, he forgot to banish the ghosts (my chore is to kill all invading humans, and his chore is to banish their ghosts) and he never took out the trash. I think he cleaned blood off the dungeon walls once, but then I had to basically redo it because he missed a lot of spots.

But still, I didn’t say anything because he was doing really well at work and I didn’t want to ruin that for him. Even when Humans started breaking in every week, I didn’t complain even though it interrupted my work day.

Last month though, I did ask him if we could move somewhere that needed less maintenance. There were just way too many Humans breaking in and I didn’t have the time to deal with them anymore. Even if I don’t do all the theatrics I used to as a Cryptid, killing humans through fear still takes a lot of time. He asked me if I didn’t appreciate the free meat, and I said I would appreciate it more if I wasn’t the only butchering it.

He said he didn’t want to move because he was really close to getting promoted to regional Nightmare and he didn’t want to take time off work to move. I was so surprised that I couldn’t hide how surprised I was. He saw and got offended. He asked if I still didn’t believe in him. I said that I did, but it was a huge jump to go from an 8% kill rate to getting promoted.

He got even more mad at me for bringing up his stats and he said that he had nearly 80% kill rate since being put on the PIP. I asked how many humans a week he was slashing and he told me I was being too nosy and that was proof that I didn’t believe in him.

I asked him if we could at least hire a ghoul then to keep the humans out of my office and he said he didn’t want to waste the money that we should be saving for our new house. I asked him what he wanted me to do then? I had to take phone calls for my consulting business and it was really hard to stalk humans all around the house while trying to sound like a professional to my clients.

He asked me to be patient for one more month. He said if he met quota for one more month, his boss said he’d get promoted. So I said fine and let it go.

Fast forward to now, almost a full month later.

Last Friday, I attended the Eldritch Conference. For those not in the scare field, the Eldritch Conference is the most prestigious event in our industry. It’s invitation only and is a chance to network with all the big players in the field. Mothman, the Jersey Devil, Bloody Mary and Bigfoot all spoke this year and both my former company, Grudge Industries, and my boyfriend’s current company, Forgotten Summer Solutions, were invited.

I was surprised to get an invite as a solo contributor to the field. However, my consulting firm has really been doing well and I did land a seasonal contract with the Yeti Co-op which I guess is how they heard about me. Plus, I’ve been a speaker before so I think the organizers knew I would behave myself.

I was planning on telling my boyfriend that I was going, but he was out of town on a co-ed sleepover assignment. He usually doesn’t have his phone on during his assignments, so I didn’t bother calling him. I just figured it’d be nice if we ran into each other at the conference if he made it back in time.

Which brings me to what actually happened (apologies for the long post).

So everything went great for my part of the day. I got to network with a lot of individual businesses and even got to reconnect with Blood Mary who I knew back in my Cryptid days. I told her I was dating a Slasher from Forgotten Summer Solutions and invited her to come with me to check out their booth. I thought it would be fun to grab dinner with her after since I assumed if my boyfriend was there, he’d be going out with coworkers which he often does. Plus, I admit, I was showing off a little. I don’t often get the chance to brag about my Cryptid days.

She agreed and we went over to see if my boyfriend was there.

I introduced myself to the people manning the booth. My boyfriend wasn’t there, but a few Slashers recognized my name and greeted me. They were definitely in awe of Bloody Mary (she came in full uniform) and invited us to look at their displays. They had portfolios for each Slasher on the desk as a sort of preview of what their services looked like.

While Bloody Mary looked through the portfolios, I chatted with my boyfriend’s coworkers. They said they were thrilled to work with him and that, even though he had a really rough start, it was impressive how quickly he started meeting his goals. Something about how they talked about his work kind of didn’t make sense. They were talking like he was killing a dozen humans a week, but he’d told me that he was at 80% on his assignments which typically only offer about ten humans each.

I asked them about it and they said that he’d been Slashing during After Hours which is a new goal supplement program his company launched a few months ago. Basically, anyone can sign up for After Hours and the company counts human kills done in uniform as part of their quota. I asked them if this was available to them while they were on assignment and they said no, it had to be done when they had down time. I asked them how my boyfriend was part of that when he was traveling all the time and they looked confused. One of them said that my boyfriend is still getting one assignment per week and is then supplementing his kill rate with After Hours.

At that point, I was even more confused. It sounded like my boyfriend had been lying to me then, because he told me that he was getting at least two assignments a week. If he was only getting one, then where was he going when he said he was traveling?

Bloody Mary interrupted before I could say anything and asked how their Slashers did their kills. They said that every Slasher at their company is required to use a standard issue weapon (like a machete or axe) for their kills to count. They said their company doesn’t count accidents as part of their quota (like falling or heart attacks).

Bloody Mary pulled me aside and showed me the portfolio she was holding. She said that she was going to give me a chance to explain without them overhearing and showed me the book. She said that a bunch of kills in it looked Cryptid kills. And she said, specifically, it looked like the kills I made when I was a Cryptid. I took the book from her and flipped through it and she was right, they really did look like Cryptid kills. Worse, I recognized a few of the Humans from the past few weeks. They were actually my kills!

Kill stealing is a major taboo in our industry.

I told her I didn’t know anything about this. She looked really relieved at that and said that even though I wasn’t a Cryptid anymore, it would look really bad for me if I was caught helping a Slasher cheat at their job. It could affect my business which she’d only heard good things about.

I’m embarrassed to say that I tried to defend him. He’s new to our industry so I thought it might be a mistake. He might not be trying to cheat, this could be a misunderstanding.

She said she didn’t think so because a mistake would be one or two of my kills mixed in with his, not the entire book.

I counted up how many photos were in the book and, all told, of the 146 kills, at least 100 were mine. I couldn’t really say it was a mistake at that point and I was just staring at his portfolio like an idiot. Bloody Mary asked me what I was going to do because, mistake or not, this looked really bad and could damage my reputation if it got out.

At that moment, another man walked up to booth and asked us if there was a problem. I knew that if I said anything, I would be jeopardizing my boyfriend’s job, but if I didn’t say something, I was jeopardizing my business.

I told my boyfriend’s coworkers that he was lying about his body count. I said I didn’t think that they knew he was doing it, but over half of the kills in his portfolio weren’t his and I suggested they remove it from their display before another Cryptid came by and realized it.

The other man thanked me for bringing this to his attention and asked how we knew. Bloody Mary said that she knew another Cryptid’s kills and I had to tell them that I was that Cryptid, though I was retired now. He asked me if I knew my boyfriend was doing this, and I told him no.

I told him I really didn’t want to get my boyfriend in trouble and suggested that maybe he didn’t know those kills didn’t belong to him because they happened in our house. I was grasping at straws and Blood Mary even looked sad for me. His coworkers looked skeptical but tentatively agreed. The man – who turned out to my boyfriend’s boss – said that they would investigate this thoroughly and apologized personally for his employee’s misconduct.

I was spiraling at that point so I thanked him and said I wasn’t mad, I was just looking out for both of our reputations. He promised to keep it between us and I agreed.

Then I apologized to Bloody Mary because I didn’t feel like eating dinner anymore. She said she understood and wished me well.

I went home and did a quick perimeter search of the property. Sure enough, there were human summoning stones ALL OVER the yard. Which means my boyfriend was intentionally luring humans to our house to get me to kill them so he could take credit. It wasn’t a mistake at all.

My boyfriend came home later that night in his work clothes. As soon he got inside he started yelling. He said he was suspended without pay and that all his hard work was for nothing.

I said I knew he’d been stealing my kills and he almost ruined my reputation. He said they still counted as his kills because he did all the work of luring the humans to our house.

I told him that wasn’t how it worked and he knew it. He said it was the same as setting a trap and I was taking this too seriously. I told him that, as a Slasher, he has to use a weapon to get his kills, not me. He said I was basically the same thing since I had such a high kill rate. I asked him if he was calling me an object.

(My parents exploited me by selling me as a haunted doll through a lot of my childhood and he knows I’m sensitive to being called an object.)

He backpedaled at that point and asked if I didn’t want to buy a house together. He said he was doing it for us and I should’ve understood and not said anything. I told him that when I was a Cryptid I had my pride and would’ve never done this.

He said I needed to tell his boss that he was the one who made all those kills. I said it wasn’t me who recognized them as Cryptid kills and now his boss knew too. He accused me of thinking I’m better than him because I have telekinetic powers and can move through shadows and can possess people, while he’s basically a human himself. I told him of course not and that I worked hard for those powers unlike him.

He got really mad at that and actually charged at me with his machete raised. I don’t think he was going to actually hit me, but I reacted like he was. It was all instinct. I disarmed him and I swear I heard a crack when I grabbed his wrist. I shoved him into the wall.

 He crumpled to the floor and started crying. He said sorry and sort of curled up around his wrist. He said he didn’t ever feel like he was enough for me and he didn’t even know why I was still with him. He called himself a bunch of names and said I would be better off without him.

I sort of awkwardly stood there for a minute. On one hand I wanted to assure him that he was enough and that I loved him, but, on the other, I wasn’t sure I could forgive him. He nearly ruined my reputation, and he embarrassed me in front of Bloody Mary. Plus, I still didn't know where he’d been going all those times he said he was on a business trip and apparently wasn’t.

So I ended up not saying anything. I went to our room and started packing a bag. He followed me. He was still crying as he begged me not to go. He said he would own up to his kill steals at work and he would make it right. He pleaded for me not to leave him and that he would give up slashing.

I told him I needed space to think. He tried to grab me, but I shadow walked out of the house. I heard him screaming from outside and I hurriedly drove away.

Now I’m at my friend’s house and I told her everything. She agreed I did the right thing walking away from him, but when I asked her what I should do she hesitated. She said that my boyfriend wasn’t right to kill steal but, as a fellow Slasher, she understood what he was going through. She said I wouldn’t understand the pressure to meet quota because I was always surpassing mine when I was in the field. She said that a Cryptid could never understand a Slasher.

She also said that nobody would have found out about his kills if I hadn’t brought them to his boss’ attention. She said the only time kills are on display like that is at the Eldritch Conference and by the next one, he’d have had kills of his own. She thinks that if I’d just confronted him at home, he wouldn’t be on suspension.

So now I’m worried that I overreacted when I told my boyfriend’s coworkers that he was lying about his body count.

AITA?

----

Thanks for reading! Several amazing supernatural citizens (aka my Patrons) gave great advice to our poor OP over on my Patreon! Please go check them out here (X)

(I will definitely be posting some of them here in the near future!)

My next supernatural AITA is already up to my patrons!

It's called "AITA for divorcing my vampire husband because he lied about his human job?"

Patrons get to see many of my stories a week ahead! If that interests you please check me out here (X)!