#i’m rambling. i need 2 go to bed bc i signed up for a morning cycling class bc i’m stupid <3 | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

cherryrogers · 4 years ago

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when dusk falls {2}

DYING LIGHT

pairing: bucky barnes x reader | royal au

warnings: mentions of death, angst — reader is in her sad hours :/

summary: As you arrive in Hydra, you reluctantly begin to adjust to your new life.

a/n: i can’t express how excited i am to get into this story. i’m so impatient i was mad that this is only chapter 2 bc i want to get deep into the plot so bad :( for now, i offer you a part that should be titled ‘rambling about random story aspects that add nothing to the plot’..... enjoy !!

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The journey from Taria was everything but pleasant.

As the carriage was pulled further and further away from your beloved palace, you made sure to consume every ounce of green expanse before you reached the land borders, refusing to let the gorgeous greenery of your home fade from your mind in years to come.

Brock nattered endlessly in his seat beside you, almost pressed against you in the small space. You didn’t hear a word of it, tuning out the unnerving rasp of his voice, only focusing on the vibrancy through the window.

Passing cosy villages, and brilliant gardens, and glimmering lakes, you concluded that Taria would be a hard place for anyone to forget, nevermind it’s own princess. You noticed the smiling faces and giggling children as you passed through the Roseleaf village, one of the larger residential areas on the east of the land. The carefully tended front gardens filled with an array of rainbow hues, the young couples walking hand in hand along the paved road, the little red robins flitting from tree to tree — you took it all in.

You were sitting in that carriage for Taria; its people, its nature, its values. Being sent away to a bitter nightmare of a land for the sake of your kingdom’s safety and happiness. Because that’s what a princess would do for her land. Protect it with her life.

The promise of its safety was the sole thing stopping you from breaking down into sobs next to Brock. There was no choice, there never would be between your freedom and your people.

The last bearable moment of your journey ended when the carriage reached the end of Taria, and the beginning of the Heartlen Ocean — the body of water that connected Taria and Hydra.

You’d been transferred onto a large sailing boat, one significantly bigger than the rowing boats scattered along the docks. In a tiny cabin below the main deck of the ship, you were escorted to and told to rest, as the voyage across the sea would be long and the waters would only be calm for another few hours. Of course, the seas around Hydra were vicious and rough, but you refused to sleep under their watch. You couldn’t if you wanted to. Every emotion under the sun was coursing through your veins; fear, anger, despair. Putting your mind at rest was impossible. It was as if they’d disregarded the fact they’d practically kidnapped you, and were complicit in the agreement that was forcing you into sudden marriage with the son of a cruel dictator.

You feared you’d never sleep peacefully again.

It took seven hours to arrive at Hydra. During that time, you’d remained under the deck, quiet as a mouse. Staring at the divots in the dark wood of the ship, knees tucked tightly to your chest, bare feet almost numb from the drop in temperature as you entered Hydra’s vicinity.

Thinking about Sharon, how adamant she was on getting you out of Taria before you could be taken. About Steve, who’d been burdened with the knowledge of the agreement and sworn to secrecy. About your parents, who entirely blamed themselves for the ordeal, even while having no other choice.

Perhaps if they’d sailed back a little earlier, noticed the signs of early labour quicker, or just not been so foolish as to seek help from the most selfish man on the planet, their daughter would be safe at home. Their princess. And she’d be free, happy.

But it was too late. It’d been too late from the moment their little rowing boat left the docks twenty years prior.

Seven hours, and you’d ended up in the bitter Kingdom of Hydra. Two soldiers escorted you off the boat, rushing you towards another black carriage identical to the one you’d been taken in at the palace. The sky had fallen significantly darker, a thick grey mist shielding the ground below from the sun’s warmth. Icy air bit at your skin, had your teeth chattering and lips numb the second you rose from below the ship’s deck.

Those around you remained unfazed, used to the freezing climate. To the dull skies and unsaturated expanse. Taria was to them what Hydra was to you — an entirely different reality.

Brock noticed you shivering in the carriage beside him, chuckling mockingly at your discomfort. Ignoring him, your eyes burned holes in the fabric of your dress in your lap. You didn’t want to let your gaze wander outside, seeing a cold, monotonous space rather than the colourful liveliness you adored back home.

Again, you passed through villages. Villages that were anything but reflections of those in Taria. The houses were much smaller, more compact than cozy. No quaint plants and shrubs complimenting the open front of the house, no bouncing children or chirping birds. Each house appeared identical, and not a soul was in sight. Likely huddling up in their homes, out of the cutting wind that’d soon transform into a bustling blizzard.

You caught sight of a figure in the window of the last home along the lane, only for a moment. A child, a boy. His high cheekbones and pin-straight nose stuck out to you. A frown played on his lips as he observed the carriage travel by, the same one he’d seen the day before, led by the same dark horses that sent shivers down his spine.

Cheering up the children back home seemed to be a gift you possessed. Not that they often weren’t baring toothy smiles, but when they wandered the palace garden and the markets with a solemn expression for whatever reason that day, it was instinct for you to lift their spirits. A box of red velvet cupcakes or some children’s books that’d been sitting in your library for years seemed to do the trick, and each and every time, it was heartwarming to watch the light reappear in their doe eyes.

Yet that boy, along with the thousands of other children living day-to-day under King Alexander’s rule — their happiness wasn’t something you could provide them with. Not when the man was stripping you of your own joy. When you were losing the light you were always eager to share with those who needed it.

If Taria was the planet’s garden, then Hydra was it’s graveyard. A place where dreams died before they could even begin to flourish. Where nobody desired to live, where too many people were forced into a meagre existence. And you were simply another soul Hydra had stolen for itself.

Another couple of hours passed again until the castle finally came into sight, only barely among the cloudiness of the night. The castle you’d only heard horror stories about, where too much blood had been shed and lives lost. And it was where you were going to live for the rest of your days. The thought alone put a deep frown on your lips.

You were exhausted. It’d been an early rise for you that morning; up and ready by eight o’clock, you took a trip to the markets before it was busy and stock was selling fast. You were to be back by nine for breakfast with your parents, but one of the merchants had been insisting you tried one of her cinnamon sugar pretzels, doused with golden syrup, which were usually sold out within hours of the stall opening. The sweet treat was delicious, you’d found, and you’d bought three more to bring back to Sharon and your parents.

A simple, lovely morning. And how quickly the day turned sour.

The urge to sleep was tugging at your eyelids, but you suppressed the need, nipping at your wrist to keep yourself awake. You’d have to succumb to sleep eventually, but you’d do it in the comfort of a bed far away from any soldiers, far away from Brock. Still, the thought of falling into such a vulnerable state, in the castle appearing more and more enormous as the carriage approached it, was indeed unnerving.

It looked like something out of a story book. Dark grey brick, looming towers with tall turrets atop them, an unnecessarily large gate guarding the inside — the image of a villain’s abode.

All underneath a shadow black sky, without a star in sight. No light, no hope. Only darkness.

The carriage continued along a winding, rubble path, it’s destination being the towering gate where six soldiers stood guard. With every yard you grew closer, your heart only pounded harder against your ribs. You’d truly fallen into a never ending nightmare; reaching the castle was only the beginning of it.

It was so cold. The thin dress and lack of any footing was certainly not helping your cause. As the carriage came to a final stop, your legs only barely allowed you to climb out of the transport without slipping to your knees. A soldier remained by your side, silent and still, while Brock ordered the remaining men to take the horses back to the stables.

Upon spying their commander, the soldiers stood guard ordered for the portcullis to be lifted, and soon an echoing clanging noise filled your ears.

While you weren’t eager to enter, the cold had already numbed your fingers and toes. You feared you’d fall ill if you were outside any longer, not that you imagined the inside of such a menacing castle would be any more comfortable.

“Inform the king of our arrival as soon as he wakes.” Brock called out to the lone soldier, who nodded curtly before marching away, into the darkness of the castle corridors.

Like a baby deer, you were left shivering in the cold, eyes wide and legs stiff. Brock took his sweet time striding over to you, before his lips curled into a condescending smile.

“Welcome home, Princess,” He teased, making a gesture towards the enigma of a building behind him. “Allow me to escort you to your chambers.”

With reluctance, you followed him into the castle, wincing at the clang of the gate beginning to shut again behind you.

The stone pavement of the castle was hard against the soles of your feet, as you paced quickly to keep up with Brock’s stalk. Lanterns scattered along the thick brick walls illuminated what would be the pitch black hall he walked you down, a faint smoky scent in the air.

For what felt like hours, you winded around corners and through halls, wondering if you’d ever make it to your chambers. Brock talked, asking silly, mocking questions that you didn’t waste your breath answering, arms crossed firmly over your chest.

Until he said something that made your blood boil a little hotter in your freezing body.

“I’m in shock of your compliance, Princess,” He smirked over his shoulder as he guided you up a dark staircase. “Already accepting the King’s plans for you?”

A scowl pulled at your lips. “I haven’t accepted anything. This isn’t compliance, this is me being here to protect my own.”

“Ah, she speaks!” Brock chuckled grimly, the sound bouncing off the walls of the narrow stairway. “Can she put a smile on, too?”

You ignored him. He laughed again, expecting it.

At the top of the stairs, a long corridor presented itself, identical to the hundred you’d already walked through. It was only at the very end of it that you finally stood still, eyes landing on an old wooden door, deep brown with no pattern etched into it. So plain, so dull — you’d never seen a castle so ancient with so little life.

“This room has been assigned to you until you and the prince are wed,” Brock spoke, pressing a rough hand to the door handle and pushing it open. “A maid will arrive when you wake to prepare you for the morning.”

“The morning?” You raised a brow.

“When you are to meet the king,” A grin tugged at his lips. “He is indeed eager to meet his future daughter-in-law.”

The feeling isn’t mutual, you thought, but kept it to yourself as you shuffled through the open door.

A singular lantern to your left enlightened the space before you.

Dreary like the rest of the castle, the room almost blended into the deep sky through the large window straight ahead of you. Translucent navy drapes hung from the chestnut bed frame, the singular bed topped with a sheet of similar colouring tucked into the corner of the room. A tall closet opposed it, likely filled with dresses that the maids had tailored to your size (however they learned that information). The hardwood flooring pressed into your feet; you already missed the soft crimson carpet that covered the expanse of your bedroom back home. There was a door off to the left, presumably leading into a small bathing room, and a long silver mirror on the other wall reflected its dark presence against the smoky grey brick.

And that was all. No books, no chestnut desk to sit at and swipe red on your lips or rose on your cheeks. Nothing to simply pass the time of waiting for a wedding you were utterly dreading.

Brock grinned a goodnight from the corridor, and you couldn’t even turn around before the echo of his boots filled the narrow, empty space.

A frown immediately pulled at your lips, as you gently closed the door behind you, the click of the lock prompting tears to form in the corners of your eyes.

As you tenderly removed your dress, hanging it up in the back of the wardrobe, you bit your lip to keep your emotions at bay. The braclets you’d slipped on at home remained on your wrist, a reminder of where you truly belonged. You played with them as you blew out the candle light, stealing the only spec of warmth from the room.

The nightdress you’d been given was thin, the creamy linen not doing much to shield you from the icy air that managed to nip at you in every corner of the castle. Sighing, you padded over to the bed, climbing under the fresh sheets, and that’s when the first tear fell. Burning hot as it trickled down your cool cheek.

That bitter night, you weren’t blessed with the pleasure of a long slumber. One salty tear turned into two, and two into many, many more.

And so, your most disconcerting nightmare began.

* * *

Dreams were deadly; you soon learned that after waking from your first night of sleep in the grand castle situated at the very bottom of Hydra’s land.

Perhaps a nightmare would’ve been easier on your mind. It certainly would’ve prepared you for the daunting reality you’d wake up to in a few mere hours. Because you dreamt that you were back in Taria. That Hydra’s soldiers didn’t step foot on your home land, that you’d finished that chapter of your enthralling novel, that Sharon returned to the library with a steaming cup of chamomile tea, and the two of you rested there for the remainder of the day. Uninterrupted, safe.

A soft but urgent knock on your bedroom door woke you from the sweet dream that morning, and upon recognising the drab setting you were in — still dark, the sun rays being rejected rudely by the thick heavy clouds encompassing the land — the harsh reality of your new life came flooding back.

Creaking quietly, the bedroom door opened ajar, an unfamiliar figure peeking through into the room. A woman, a girl even. She couldn’t have been older than eighteen. Her eyes widened as they drifted to the corner of the room, spying you still clutching the navy bed sheets to your chin.

“Forgive me, I didn't mean to wake you; I was told to come here at ten on the dot. My name is Wanda, I was happy to learn I’ve been assigned as your maid, Princess.”

Blinking, your vision became a little clearer. Clear enough to assess the girl frozen in her place in the doorway. Strawberry blonde hair cascaded down her back, pulled back loosely at her neck with a burgundy ribbon. As you propped yourself against the headboard of the bed, her doe eyes got impossibly wider. Brushing out the creases of her moss green skirt, she stood taller, pressing her lips into a thin line.

So nervous in your presence, she seemed. You wondered if the treatment she received from the royals of Hydra had something to do with it.

“It’s— It’s quite alright.” You swallowed, possibly more anxious than she was. If you weren’t so exhausted from the journey to the castle, you likely wouldn’t have slipped into a slumber so easily. That was after you’d sobbed until air could no longer be snatched from your lungs, and you drifted off with a sore throat and tear tracks staining your cheeks.

You’d fallen asleep between the same walls as one of the most ruthless kings to date, as well as an army of remorseless soldiers ready to comply with his every order. The thought made you shudder; that, and the sheets falling from your shoulders, exposing your skin to the cool room.

Wanda crinkled her brows, picking up on your discomfort. Slowly, as if not to cause you any more distress, she slipped between the open door and closed it behind her.

“I’ll run a hot bath for you, Your Highness. I’m afraid it’ll have to be quick; King Alexander would like you escorted to the throne room within the hour.”

You remained quiet. Still barely awake, still barely able to comprehend the situation you’d so quickly fallen into.

The maid clasped her hands in front of her, considering her next words carefully before offering the tip of her lips. “I understand that you only arrived here a mere several hours ago, Your Highness — I think a warm bath will only do you good, if I may say.”

It would have certainly been nice, considering the climate you’d been forced into abruptly. You’d picked up on some of Brock’s ramblings in the carriage the night before; he’d said something about a blizzard being on its way. Judging by the thick fog and the chill already bringing goosebumps to your skin, he was right. You weren’t looking forward to the process of adapting to the weather.

As soon you gave Wanda the faintest hint of a nod, the girl rushed towards the adjoining bathing room you had yet to familiarise yourself with, and soon enough the harsh streaming of water began to fully wake you for the morning.

Lavender swarmed your senses as you stepped into the small room, observing Wanda as she swirled oil into the warm water with a delicate hand. Throwing a smile over her shoulder, the maid shook off her hand before wiping it quickly on her skirt.

“I hand-picked the lavender and made the oil myself this morning. I’ll be honest, I’m not meant to leave the castle unless I’m ordered to do so, but with a storm brewing, I was eager to collect as many herbs and flowers as possible before my duties for the day started,” A soft chuckle left her lips, before she shook her head, a rosy tint pooling in her cheeks. “Forgive me, I— I haven’t served a lady in several years. I can’t imagine my rambling would amuse the men of the castle.”

If your mood hadn’t been so sour, perhaps you would have smiled at her excitement. The happiness others radiated you tended to absorb; no wonder every moment on Taria was an enjoyable one.

It astounded you how bubbly the strawberry blonde appeared. A delicate daisy in a daunting forest — she bloomed without sunlight. Of course, it could’ve been an act in front of the prince's bride-to-be, but there was a certain spark to her that felt genuine. Maybe it really was because of the presence of another woman.

King Alexander’s wife — the former queen of Hydra — had died almost a decade earlier. Being so young and out of the loop with politics and the states of other kingdoms, you hadn’t heard much about her at all. Even if you were older, you’d likely not hear anything more. If she ever engaged in politics, attended balls or kept in touch with other queens across the seas, she was very quiet in doing so. Queen Mara of Hydra — the only time you heard her name spoken was when she passed. As a child, when the severity of death and its impact on kingdoms was so foreign to you.

You assumed Wanda used to serve the late queen; perhaps she was more pleasant than her husband. For Wanda’s sake, you could only have hoped so.

“Thank you, Wanda.” You spoke, voice barely above a whisper. The maid wouldn’t have heard you if she was standing any further away.

But she did, and she curtsied in return. “Of course, Your Highness.”

The bath was nice, you’d admit. Like a warm hug after a long day. Except your day had barely started, and as soon as you were to step out of the heavenly hot water, you’d be pulling on a dress that wasn’t sewed by the dressmakers you’d known since childhood, making your way down to a throne room you were completely unfamiliar with, and meeting a king that you had no interest in ever crossing paths with.

And soon enough, that was where you were.

Stood in the centre of a cold room, face to face with a man you’d only heard terrible stories of.

Wanda had picked out a garnet red dress for the morning. You hadn’t owned many red dresses back on Taria, preferring cooler tones like emerald green and the royal blue attire you’d arrived in Hydra with. And that dress seemed to be the only one that actually fit, your new one pinching tight at the waist. Though when Wanda was only offering you compliments as she combed out your hair and polished your shoes, you weren’t about to complain.

It wasn’t the dress that was stealing the breath from your lungs, however. It was the monarch who sat proudly in his dark throne before you.

Four soldiers either side of the throne stared straight past you, as the king himself stared at you. Sandy blond hair laced with grey fell over his forehead, and he wore a solemn expression as he eyed the new arrival to his kingdom.

“Princess _____ of Taria,” Alexander spoke, the rasp in his voice bringing goosebumps to your skin. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet your acquaintance.”

You remained stoic, refusing to meet the eyes of a king who was more monster than man. As you looked to the right of the throne, you spied Brock among the soldiers too, observing you with interest.

The king soon realised that you were immensely uncomfortable; it wasn’t like he’d expected you to act any different.

He glanced over his shoulder, silently calling Brock over. The commander was at his side almost immediately. So cocky in front of you, and so obedient to the king — typical.

“Take the soldiers outside,” He ordered calmly, before leaning forward to murmur something inaudible to Brock, who nodded firmly, then making a swift exit with the ever-submissive soldiers behind him.

Soon enough, you and the king were left alone. The silence was deafening as you awaited his next words, both reluctantly and with anticipation.

The throne room was so large, so intimidating. Walls scattered with grand portraits of previous monarchs, small square windows barely letting any sunlight pour through; not to mention how your hands were almost numb. It was difficult not to miss the beaming sun in Taria, how it would seep through the curtains on a bright morning, how the warmth would dance across your skin and the light would reflect in your eyes.

It was almost as if Hydra completely blocked it out.

The king exhaled, clasping his hands in his lap as he leaned back in his seat. “If you have anything you would like to say, by all means, don’t keep quiet on my account.”

Considering him for a moment, you tightened your jaw. It was like he could sense the hundreds of questions swarming your mind. While you worried that he wouldn’t be so impressed with what you wanted to say to him, he couldn’t reprimand you for anything. Not when you were to marry his son. Anything you said wouldn’t matter once you left the room; he’d had your fate in his hands since the moment you were born.

Your eyes flit to his, tears burning at the back of them. “My parents were desperate for your help—”

“And I helped them.” He commented nonchalantly; his disinterest feeling like a slap to the face.

“You took advantage of them,” You corrected him, not appreciating the interruption. “They wouldn’t have accepted your deal if my mother’s life wasn’t at stake.”

Idly fiddling with the rings encircling his fingers, Alexander sighed. “Things have a certain way of falling into place, I believe. I’m not sure it’s a coincidence that your mother happened to go into labour on the same day that her and your father decided to sail across the Heartlen Ocean, stray further from Taria than they ever had before, leaving Hydra’s help as their own hope.”

“This was never meant to happen, I refuse to believe that.” You shook your head. Taria was the only place you’d ever belong. Only selfish men like the king had a true place in Hydra.

“You were born here, Princess. You took your first breath of air in this castle. It was inevitable that you would find your way back.”

“I am not here by choice,” You insisted, resisting the urge to yell, to scream about how much you hated the man in front of you for snatching your life away right before your eyes. “Hydra has allies, with kings and queens that would be more than glad to arrange a marriage between their daughters and your son, yet you chose Taria’s princess before I was even born — why?”

Hydra’s group of allies were certainly limited, but they weren’t the only kingdom that idealised a dictatorship and control over every aspect of their land. The king could have made strong connections with them, people who shared his mentality, his brutal methods. But he didn’t. He did the complete opposite, and that was extremely odd.

The king contemplated answering the question, he truly did. Words hanging from the tip of his tongue. But instead, he waved you off with a steady hand. “The answer to that will be clear in due time.”

You narrowed your eyes, about to protest, but you were soon interrupted by his booming voice unexpectedly.

“Bring in the Asset.”

His stare diverted, until it was focused on something behind you. Heavy footsteps clambered outside the room, along the echoey hall until they reached the doors of the throne room. They opened with an eerie creak, and upon throwing a look over your shoulder, your breath immediately hitched.

Three soldiers stood either side of, well, another soldier. But he wasn’t like them, not at all. His presence managed to freeze you in your stance, unable to fully turn around.

He was tall, a great deal taller than the other soldiers. Dark, untamed locks fell around his angular face, framing his sharp jaw and chiselled cheekbones. And he was so broad. The soldier attire almost looked more fitting on him, with his wide shoulders and muscular thighs. Protecting his shoulders were the same metal plates, with that same red star imprinted on the left side. A gasp almost escaped your lips when you noticed his arm, shimmering silver even in the dull light. The man, he couldn’t be another mere soldier. And he wasn’t — they called him the Asset.

For some reason, they wanted you to meet him.

With a proud expression, Brock met your eyes as he led the soldier in your direction, stopping only a foot away before he stepped to the side.

You swallowed, forcing your body to turn around, and you were met with perhaps the only splash of bright colour in the castle.

Azure blue eyes pierced into yours, making your palms clam and your knees weak. Unlike the other soldiers, he didn’t just stare past you; he stared through you, with eyes that were so blue yet so dim. His features remained blank, but even then his eyes burning into you made you feel small, almost too seen.

“I understand that you never took on a personal guard in Taria,” The king spoke from behind you. “I won’t be as foolish as your parents to leave you without one here.”

He gave a nod to Brock, who stepped towards you and the soldier, waving the other soldiers away with a hand. A grin tugged at his lips as he turned back to you. “The Asset is the best soldier we have. His only mission is to protect your life at all costs.”

Your brows pinched, and you just about managed to pull your eyes from the soldier’s to Brock’s. “Am I in such a state where I need a guard with that sole mission? Your best soldier, at that?”

“There are some cruel people living in Hydra, Princess. We wouldn’t want any of them getting their hands on you.” The man answered, practically smirked, knowing you’d already fallen into such hands.

But he was right, in a sense. Hydra’s royals weren’t exactly immune to danger. Rebellions were rare, but another one at any given time wasn’t an impossibility. Especially if the rebels believed your parents had chosen for you to marry into Hydra’s kingdom — you were fresh blood, and that made you an easy target for them.

If it wasn’t the rebels trying to hurt you, it’d be those that could simply for the fun of it. Because crime was so normalised there; everyone was constantly on edge, scared for their safety when night fell and silent shadows began to rome the unprotected villages. It was no way to live.

“He’ll be at your side at all times,” He continued. “Day and night; he’ll only rest when he must. Refer to him as ‘soldier’ and nothing else; he’s a guard, not your friend.”

You wouldn’t have expected anything else.

The king perked up from behind you, almost making you flinch. “Soldier, take the princess back to her chambers. A maid will arrive shortly with a meal for her.”

Huffing quietly, you glared over your shoulder. Apparently they weren’t stripping you of your freedom gradually, but completely all at once. Wonderful.

His expression remained nonchalant as he tipped his head at you. “I’m afraid my son is dealing with political affairs out of the kingdom today; he won’t be in attendance tonight. You’re to meet Isaac at breakfast tomorrow. I can assure you, he is looking forward to the pleasure of your company.”

If only you could say the same.

Your eyes turned back to the soldier, who had already spun around and was ready to comply with the king’s order. Soon enough, he was leading you out of the grand room, back to your sombre chambers.

The walk was silent; he wouldn’t talk to you, of course — it wasn’t in his job nature to do so. Even him, a tall, cold-eyed, man who was more muscle than anything else, was so obedient. Too obedient. So compliant that his expression never changed, he wouldn’t speak to you because he’d been strictly ordered not to, and his sole purpose was deemed to be the protection of your life. And he didn’t bat an eye. You wondered why. Why they were all soldiers first and humans not even second, but never at all.

You thought about the truth behind the soldier’s cold exterior for the rest of the dreary day.

Back in the throne room, seconds after he saw you wind around the corner into the dark corridor with your guard, Brock approached his king with a questioning crinkle in his brow.

“Your Highness, while I would never doubt your methods, I’m concerned that without a routine mind-wipe, we may begin to lose control over the Asset.”

Alexander considered his words. “Truthfully, I believe his brain has been tampered with enough to permanently erase his past from his mind. Alas, if he begins to show signs that his memory is recovering, you’ll know what to do.

As long as the princess doesn’t get any foolish ideas, the Asset shouldn’t pose a problem to us at all.”

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes #bucky #bucky barnes x you #bucky x you #bucky barnes reader insert #bucky barnes au

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mrs-mikko-rantanen · 4 years ago

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Uhm, my day was decent? I mean aside from the fact that mornings exist and I did not want to wake up in time for my shift at work. But. And the end of the day when I have literal hours to do stuff after.. it works out cuz. Usually I get off and its oh shit I have enough time to halfway emotionally recharge and then its time for bed.

But. I got in and E^2 had put like. My name down on the schedule, and. That was great really. And we had this sheet for sign up of, basically what areas you want to be personally responsible for. And I signed light and it was great. And I dont think anyone really noticed cuz the manager wasn't there and no one else really looked at the schedule or anything else. But. It made me happy.

Still haven't gotten my name tag changed and honestly I dont think I'm going to. Cuz. I feel like I'm just being a bother asking again. But. It is what it is I guess.

I got off at five and its now nine and ive just been vibing in the car listening and singing to Spotify since I got off just trying to keep the sad at bay. And I should probably go home but. I dont want to. Cuz I know I'm just gonna wallow in the sad and self destructive tendencies if i go home.. If I ask nicely will the fae take me in as one of their own and I can become a cryptid in the woods?????

I have a three day weekend coming up and im considering doing a touch up on my hair since its really washed out. But I cant decide if I wanna keep it fully red or try and do like an ombre double tone thingy.. but I'm not sure what other color I'd try to do to the tips? Idk

I kinda wish my hair was longer so I could do like. The galaxy hair thing? Where its various shades of purple and blue and some pink and it looks different depending on how you style it. But I also know attempting to grow my hair out longer than I already plan to is a bad idea, cuz the sides and back are already getting too long and I hate it. But I wish I could do fun stuff with it too

Oh well. The duality of man i guess..

Uhm. I bought a giant plastic egg the other day, that reminds me of a dragons egg kinda. And I'm trying to decide if I should keep a hoard of dice in there or a hoard of crystals. Cuz. Dice and the clacky math rocks. But. Also shiny crystally gems

Speaking of dice I also really kinda want to try and get into a dnd group, but social anxiety and I have zero idea where to start with that so. That's fun.

Im currently resisting the urge to go and get more holes and metal in my head too. I just. The red hair makes me feel cool and powerful and I wanna look punk and

Sorry I've been rambling for like half a novel. I'll stop now before I get annoying. I mean I definitely already am. But you asked for asks and distractions and 👉👈 I love you

Id ask about your day but you seem to want a distraction from that sooo. How about, got any fun headcanons to share??

Thats awesome on the name front!!! I saw that and I got really excited for you when you posted the picture this morning, honestly I think you should bring up the nametag again, esspecially if its showing up on the schedule too. (Oddly enough I kicked around the idea of using a new name with friends and sruff today which is weird mostly bc like i like my name irl, its fairly androgynous and it makes me happy and i love my online name bc it means me :))

My vote is two tone!! I almost did a pink/purple ombre with my hair this round so I say do ittttt (that's also what I say about the extra holes and metal. Do itttttrrr)

That would be a hard choice but u do really like the idea of a giant dragons egg full of dice ngl. I need to find some people to play with too. I'm trying to get b and c in on something but idk if its ever really gonna pan out the way I want it too. My town actually has a pretty active dnd community but I am way too new and way too socially anxious to ever join something like that so I feel you there.

100% not annoying, each paragraph made me smile more. :)

My day was actually mostly ok, i just sorta ruined it with Danny at home. I just pointed out that the idealized dream band life that I wanted and thought I had was what she got and that it made me kinda jealous and she pointed out (correctly) that I'm jealous of so many aspects of her life that she now has a list of things she can't talk to me about for fear of setting me into a spiral and just. Yeah. That wasnt fun.

But work was ok. The kids all were really tierd so there was a fair bit of crying going on, but the weather was really nice so we got to go outside with them for a long time and that was very nice. I also got some really sweet cuddles from a few of them that made me very happy.

Oh! I also have a funny story about them!! So I was squatting (my main position is almost like Spiderman bc I'm down on the kids' level but i can also get up and move if I need to pretty quick) and one of the girls goes and gets a book, then stands right in front of me and points at the floor and says "sit" in the most authoritative voice I have ever hear from a 1 1/2 year old 😂 as soon as I sat down she was in my lap and opening the book so I could read to her.

As far as headcanons.... Sadly my brain is bouncimg mostly art ideas for the Tamgled au and not anything of substance so I may take a crack at that later. Otherwise I keep thinking about whumped up Will crying on the floor and Maurie finding him. Really I'm just thinking about Maurie and Will being bros. A lot. So much. God I love them.

#also i love you

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sunsetsover · 5 years ago

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give us a rundown of ur thoughts about tonight's ep it's what we deserve

this is cute bc my rambly ass thoughts very rarely make sense and are just me screaming into the void generally but if u want it who am i to deny u!!!! also im sorry i know i promised u this yesterday but i had Stuff going on but anyways we’re here now!!!!

ok firstable let me direct u towards this post bc i have not stopped thinking abt it for the past few days and i cba to type it all out again but... Yeah

and actually i think i have MORE to add bc i just cannot get over how young ben looked throughout the whole scene like!!! and not even just his face (even tho his face looked so young too) but his body language!!! sittin there on his knees with his hands between his thighs looking so emotional and YOUNG and vulnerable like its fuckin me up sm

esp the way ben looked at callum’s hand when he signed ‘ok’ i think it was a moment of clarity for ben like he’s finally realized that callum is committed he’s in it for the long haul he’s willing to adapt and has already started!!! i feel like in a way it was a call back to when ben asked callum to prove that he really did love ben and that was ben realizing that callum HAS been proving it this whole time

and there’s smth to be said abt the fact that he could only allow himself to BE that overtly vulnerable BECAUSE callum had his eyes closed. like you can see the moment callum opens his eyes and looks at him ben catches himself and tries to put his walls back up and move on like none of it ever happened !! bc he’s scared of vulnerability!!! in his life vulnerability has always meant pain!!! but he’s trying!!!! he’s getting there!!! slowly but surely!!!

and the fact that callum knew exactly what ben was doing and why he was doing it and didn’t let him!!! not in a forceful way it was just like look at me!!! it’s fine!!! you’re safe!!! i love you too!!!! which only overwhelmed ben MORE to the point where he didn’t know what to do but kiss callum like god!!!!!!!!! god

callum telling him he loved him in sign!!!! the fact that that means callum has been sitting there in his flat googling ‘how to say i love you in sign’ and watching youtube tutorials and practising his signs wow rip

and everything callum said to even get to that point !!!!!! literally every word out of his mouth !!!! the fact that he apologised and said he didn’t mean to make ben feel bad was so important!!! the fact that he told ben how strong he is!!! and how amazing he is!!! and how amazing it is that he’s handling everything going on atm!!!! and telling ben that phil isn’t anywhere NEAR as strong as ben is and that if he doesn’t want anything to do with ben then that’s HIS problem not ben’s like that’s all i’ve ever wanted ANYONE to tell ben !!! i’ve wanted ben to hear that for so long!!!! and the fact that it was callum telling him those things and in such a beautiful vulnerable moment and the fact that callum assures him that even if he doesn’t have his dad at his side callum is there!!!! and he will continue to be there!!! just fuck off im crying and im never going to stop

i know i said it in my other post but the fact that ben bought so many presents for callum’s birthday and got up in the middle of the night to wrap them and they’re all in different paper........... like once they get more in tune with each other’s love languages it’s over for us bitches

the fact!!!!!!! that ben telling callum he loves him!!!!!! put tears in callum’s eyes!!!!!! it made him want to cry!!!!! bc he knows!!!!! he knows it’s not an easy thing for ben and he knows ben means it and just!!!!!!!!! that has fucked me up sm u don’t even know

and just the absolute poetry in the fact that in that moment callum can’t see and ben can’t hear like they’re restricted and yet they’re communicating anyway and vikki summed it up way better than i ever could but there’s just this undercurrent of just like.... seeing and hearing each other properly and being honest even tho they CAN’T see/hear each other and whew it’s a lot

the way you can hear ben’s breath shaking as he kisses callum like he’s so overwhelmed!!!!!!!! my baby!!!!!!!!

literally i’m never ever going to be over the vulnerability and the love and the honesty in that moment

and the second scene!!! the way they were just laying there looking at each other!!!!!!!!!!! they were just laying in bed and staring at each other until the early hours in the morning like can u imagine being that in love w someone that u just wanna lay there and look at them?? wish i could relate

ben apologising to callum!!!!!!! was so important!!!!!! acknowledging that he’s been a prat !!!!! but then explaining it’s bc he doesn’t really know how to be vulnerable like can u believe it was just 2 scenes but we got so much #blessed

(also callum telling ben he hasn’t been a prat which he HAS but it was callum’s way of saying ‘i know, i get it, i understand, i forgive you’ all rolled into one bye)

the way ben stroked callum’s hair and face as he apologised....... the way callum literally just reached out and touched ben’s cheek bc he needed to touch him....... and the way ben leaned up into callum’s hand....... yeah.gif

callum firmly telling ben needs to learn sign language!!!! he get’s it and he forgives ben, BUT changes have to be made and one of those is ben learning sign language!!! and yeah ben goes to make a (probably rude) sign w his hands (and the way callum instantly reacts tells me that whatever he was gonna do, it wasn’t the first time lmao) but he doesn’t argue or resist he just accepts it which!!!! growth!!!

ben looking at callum like this goodbye

callum’s thoughtful gift!!!! a watch that vibrates!!!!!! best boyfriend in the world award goes to callum highway

the fact that ben was like WELL SEEING AS THO WE’RE GIVING GIFTS and let callum open one of his 15 presents :-(

‘officer highway breaking all the rules ay?’ does he ever stop

it’s just the way the whole bed scene was just so soft and intimate but still THEM u know w the banter and the teasing like it didnt feel ooc it just felt like them :-(

and last but by no means least: ben saying ‘we’ll make a mitchell of you yet’ and the way callum just smiled and looked at ben???? like he can’t quite believe it??? which mood bc i can’t either??? i’m literally gonna be in my grave thinking about it like i don’t know how im ever supposed to move on

ben is going to make a mitchell of callum one day they’re going to get married thank you and goodnight

#ballum #eastenders #im dead serious i've not stopped thinking abt callum mitchell since the ep aired #anon #question

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thekingsparty · 4 years ago

Text

mnnn after dwts i was gonna write, but laptop started update without asking me & it’s now finally done after 1.5h. my eyes are insanely tired, i’ve basically slept in 1h-sessions last night cause one of the cats kept howling and my sleep currently is so light i hear it and can go check what they need.

i’ll try get some sleep now and work on drafts orrr photoshop. depends on my condition of my eyes lol.

as usual lately, cat update under the cut for those who wanna knooow. <3 goodnight all <333

ok so last night was scary. taigi threw up and weakly wobbled back into his fav sleeping place (the tub) without dinner and still refusing to drink from bows. i was so worried and scared i pushed mom a little too far and it escalated and she said a lot of things i’d like to believe she regrets some day. anyway, taigi was doing much better in the morning. he took his meds, ate dryfood/treats with them and mom let him drink from the faucet. according to her it’s my fault he wants that lol, which is silly. he’s had a phase like that a few years ago.

problem with faucet is, he drinks too quickly, then he throws up. he’s weak anyway and doesn’t eat wet food, so .. throwing up is a big no. so i remembered that about ..a year ago, it got that far that i couldn’t drink at night because if i opened my plastic bottle with water, he would come running and yelling and demanding water. ofc i had no bowl with me so one day, out of fun honestly, i filled a bottle cap with water and he flipped.

so, to stop him from dehydrating on top of less food and stuff, i’ve spent the day feeding him bottle caps of water. i tried it while he whined for the faucet and bam, he forgot all about the stupid faucet in a second. it’s not ideal, but that way i can control the water flow so to say and he drinks slower. he’s not thrown up, he still only licks the sauce off the wet food, but he’s getting a good hand of dry food twice a day at least for meds so he’s thankfully not going without food in general. less than usual, yes, but not without. i think the antibiotics mess with his stomach, make him nauseous or so. cause he was sick before and he ate fine. it started on the 2nd day of antibiotics that he got even pickier with food.

anyway, i’ve been feeding him water every few hours and it seems to work, no throwing up happened today. progress. he purrs a lot when pet, which makes me happy. he abandoned the tub for most of the day, went from under my bed (while i was trying to sleep) to mom’s office chair and vice versa. i think that’s a good sign. he came to me like clockwork for half the day to get his bottle caps of water lol. i think we basically filled up his reserves? cause at some point, he stopped coming every hour, then every 2h and then he just came 2 or 3 more times at night. (is 4 am) i fed him some more before sleep so he’d not crawl into the sink (is dangerous) while we try sleep and put some dry food down, he ate a few pieces so i decided to put a lil bowl down, too. he needs dem calories. i snuck past the bathroom after a while and found him hovering over it :3

we only gotta make it through tomorrow and half of the day after, then it’s ultrasound time and hopefully new treatment to make him feel better. friday back to old vet (lowkey hoping the ultrasound vet gives up meds or something whatever we need and checks him over so he doesn’t have to go to our normal vet in friday.. going out 2 days in a row is v stressful for him). katzi is doing a little better? she’s lowing weight slower currently, not ideal, but a start, we’ll probs not get her blood test back before monday, but that’s ok. she can do it. i’m really curious what she has, but also if taigi’s heart is the issue. i read up on it and like.. if the right chamber isn’t working properly, it pumps blood back into the organs, causing intestine+bowel issues, kidney issues and water in belly. liver could be swollen, it would also explain the pancreas troubles bc it’s part of the stomach-bowel system. it causes high blood pressure in bursts, which would explain why taigi is fab one moment and towards the end of the day he’s getting more and more passive. then he rests for the night and in the morning he’s fit af again. cause he has been yelling mom outta bed for food these days. xD “it’s 8am human, feed me now.” so yeah.. i don’t even know if i wanna hope it’s really his heart. on one hand, they say there’s meds for it (have i spent many hours reason on the internet? yes) and many people are v happy for many years with their cats thanks to those, but there’s also the fear that he’s got something weird or special and there#s no meds. i’m an unlucky person, i’m worried it affects him. we’ll see.

anyway, nothing is idea and blah, but .. i feel a lot less anxious today. taigi is a picky shit and he’s weak and stubborn, but he has appetite and he wants water and pets, so.. i believe in him and our vet lady.

i rambled again, thanks all <3

#out of collars ( ooc )#pet sickness tw #aaaaas usual #all under the cut tho

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kairoth · 7 years ago

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1-7, 10, 12-15, 18-24, 28, 30, 38-46, 49-52, 60-61, 72-75, 85-92, 100, 102, 104-114, 117-120, 124-127, 129, 135-150? Do whichever you want though.

hey! done on laptop so sorry if there are any mistakes

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

♥ my mum?? i think.

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

♥ definitely shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

♥ wellll soon we'll be going to see the two lil puppies i've gotta choose from and i'm excited about that!

4. Are you easy to get along with?

♥ i mean... idk?

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

♥ prob not

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

♥ hhh kind people. like, attracted to as in i'd date them... same thing pretty much but also i tend to fall for more dominant people.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

♥ prob not lmao. no one wants to date me i'm gross

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

♥ uhh my mum. last night. sort of.

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

♥ literally every song by EDEN takes up my top 50.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

♥ YEA

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

♥ i mean sometimes.

15. What good thing happened this summer?

♥ it's not summer yet but uhhhh i'm gonna get a puppy!

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

♥ hhh our parents are friends and we're still kind of awkward friends? we haven't like actually had full conversations in a long time but we still hang out sometimes.

19. Do you like bubble baths?

♥ yea! but like,, not to where you get bubbles in your mouth cos bleh

20. Do you like your neighbors?

♥ a little! the people close to us are pretty nice. there's this one old lady across the way from us whose dog i used to walk. she let's me pick oranges from her tree and talks to me. it's fun! she's away from home a lot tho since her husband died.

21. What are you bad habits?

♥ rambling, for one. picking at threads for two. uhh, can't think of any more off the top of my head but there's definitely a bunch of other ones.

22. Where would you like to travel?

♥ i reallllyyy wanna go to Ireland. definitely some places in Asia and some more in Europe.

23. Do you have trust issues?

♥ yes.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

♥ sleeeeep. soon enough it'll prob be my puppy

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

♥ my cats and my mum. ooh and my aunt danni.

30. Do you ever want to get married?

♥ maybe! i'm pretty polyamorous tho and if i was in a relationship with more than one person it'd feel unfair if i only married one of them... so it'd be really cool if we could make polyamorous marriage a thing pls.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

♥ OOF. uh. just. someone who is kind and loves me and will take care of me, and who i can do the same for. someone who will put up with my clinginess and paranoia. someone who loves animals and hates people who abuse animals or kids or other people just as much as i do. someone who can put up with my quirks in general. i always imagine someone who, if we're separated and reunite, will let me run to them and do the hug thing where they pick me up lol. we can read books to each other and they won't get frustrated if i stumble over my words, we can share music with each other, cook/bake with each other, travel, see an animal and just coo over them together, watch horror movies even tho i hate them but it's ok because i have them with me. sorry long answer lmao,, i got carried away

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

♥ barnes n noble, hot topic just bc, and uuuuuuh that's it.

40. What do you want to do after high school?

♥ ideally i could do a gap year to travel. i might do a gap year and work so i can get money. i don't know if i can get into college, but my mum suggested interning for a local vet, even tho i'm not in medicine, because it's good to have that knowledge if i wanna own an animal shelter. it's a good idea so i might do that.

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

♥ it depends. sometimes if you give someone a second chance they'll take it and stab you with it (metaphorically). it all just depends on what they did, who they are, how they are, how they feel about what they did.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

♥ i used to be super loud when i was younger. sometimes i am when with close friends. now, it could just be that i'm focused, or thinking, or comfortable, or sad, or sick, or upset. when i'm angry with my aunt bc she won't stop messing with me i'll go silent. idk.

43. Do you smile at strangers?

♥ sometimes!

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

♥ i'd like to say neither and outerspace. the ocean terrifies me. but so does outer space sometimes????

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

♥ depends on what's happening that day. if something exciting is happening i'll prob get up quick. and if i'm in bed cos i don't feel good then the thing that gets me up is like. the fear of disappointing my parents by not doing anything. or when like my cat is very insistent on needing something (like food or water or getting out of my room) and i don't want to be a bad owner and not get it.

46. What are you paranoid about?

♥ fff what am i not paranoid about?

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

♥ mmm... nothing i can really think about?

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

♥ black.

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

♥ oh definitely

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

♥ my appearance. or my personality. hm.

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

♥ mmm... i won a fencing competition once. but like. it wasn't a huge competition. just a few little series of fights that our teacher was having us do.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

♥ nahh. i've gotten two detentions but never suspended

72. What colour are your towels?

♥ uhh the ones i use are white striped w green and pink.

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

♥ there are two 72s??? oh well. uhh only one

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

♥ yea! most of them are just around me, the only two i actually snuggle with are my bbies teddy (a bear i've had since 5) and addi (a panda i got like two years ago?)

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

♥ uhh. maybe 30? or somewhere around there?

75. Favourite animal?

♥ don't make me chooooose

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

♥ never seen it

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

♥ hhh nemo. he's such a good little clever fishie. v mischievous tho

87. First person you talked to today?

♥ mum!

88. Last person you talked to today?

♥ uh prob gonna be my mum

89. Name a person you hate?

♥ trump

90. Name a person you love?

♥ syd ! my kitty

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

♥ uuuuuuuh nah

92. In a fight with someone?

♥ ? nah

100. How are you feeling?

♥ rn? pretty ok. i just finished my geometry course so i've only got three classes left !

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

♥ yes. my entire past. being born. like yikes

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

♥ yes.

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

♥ yup

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

♥ ? who knows

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

♥ yea! i used to do lessons but i stopped

108. What should you be doing?

♥ rn? schoolwork

109. Is something irritating you right now?

♥ schoolwork

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

♥ definitely

111. Do you have trust issues?

♥ yes

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

♥ uh my cat i think

113. What was your childhood nickname?

♥ hb

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

♥ yea! my fave state to go to currently is maryland. i love the temperature and the landscape and the fireflies.

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

♥ sometimes!

118. Do you like Chinese food?

♥ one of my faves tbh

119. Favourite book?

♥ oof. that's a hard one. uhm. we were liars by e. lockhart.

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

♥ yes.

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

♥ no. lust at first sight, yea, but not love.

125. Do you believe in true love?

♥ maybe.

126. Are you currently bored?

♥ a lil.

127. What makes you happy?

♥ loved ones, animals, music, warm blankets.

129. What your zodiac sign?

♥ this is always a complex answer from me lmao. technically i'm a leo. but i was supposed to be born in october, not august. and i've always related more to scorpio (and pisces tbh lmao). so i always wanna say i'm a scorpio

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

♥ FF. IT'S SO DUMB I DON'T EVEN WANNA SAY. WORST TIME OF MY LIFE. sorry for caps

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

♥ closed

137. How tall are you?

♥ 4'11

138. Curly or Straight hair?

♥ on me? well long it's curly but it's short rn. it kinda still curls in some spots tho

139. Brunette or Blonde?

♥ naturally i'm a mix. or 'dirty blonde'

140. Summer or Winter?

♥ winter.

141. Night or Day?

♥ night

142. Favourite month?

♥ november

143. Are you a vegetarian?

♥ nahh. i enjoy meat too much

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

♥ milk chocolate is the only chocolate in my eyes

145. Tea or Coffee?

♥ mmm that's hard. i love earl grey tea but coffeeeeeeeeeeeee

146. Was today a good day?

♥ eh. i finished a class so yea

147. Mars or Snickers?

♥ snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote?

♥ ffffff idk tbh

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

♥ i am a ghost!!!

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

♥ there's no book close to me and i couldn't find my fave which is stressing but i'll do this before looking for it so i'mma just use a random one. book is we all looked up, by tommy wallach. "he marched into the school and took the director aside, explaining that they had a strict rule in their house - curriculars before extracurriculars."

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dorkcresswxll · 7 years ago

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i went...... hard y’all this is so extra and embarrassing but i spent like,, over an hour writing this down so ur all gonna see it u better.

Why did you choose to play the character that you do at Crimson Revolt?

im gonna be honest like………………………………. i picked dirk bc i wanted to play ezra miller lmao. I KNOW HOW SHALLOW THAT IS DONT LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT OKAY I CAN EXPLAIN!!!!!!!! alright so before i apped for crt the first time i was at…… a pretty low place confidence-wise bc i’d just left the first rpg i ever joined (also the first rp thing i ever did) and it was a pretty,,,, messy departure lmaoo i gotta admit i could’ve handled that better orz. BUT ANYWAY so i went looking through the ezra miller fc tag bc i’d just discovered this fabulous person and had vague ideas about a character that could fit the fc (dramatic, cheeky, a lil flamboyant) and was also thinking “i will never fall in love with a character the way i did my previous ones again” and more dramatic bullshit along those line bc like i said,,, bad time. obviously i didn’t find any active rpgs that had him in use so i checked crt bc i’d seen it around before and liked the look of it, so i sent the main an ask like “do you see ezra miller working for any of your open characters?” the admin at the time pointed me to barty crouch, peter pettigrew and dirk cresswell.

i just want to take a moment to digest that i could literally have played any of these three, cause all i had at the time was a vague idea of a character and a fc to match. i remember i spent days trying to decide between barty and dirk cause neither skeleton fit my vision perfectly and they both seemed aimed more towards an angry jock-type character (especially dirk his fc was miles teller which…. should give u a good idea of what the admin at the time had in mind for him) ( i mean the first skeleton. the one on the main now is one i rewrote after the main crashed back in june.) (just to clarify: the original skeleton had just as much potential to evolve to a complex and intriguing character as any other skeleton here at crt. i just had my vaguely dramatic ezra miller bby and i wanted it. lmao.) but i liked challenging set characterizations and bringing unique perspectives to contrast against any expectations the admin/s might have about a character. which is why i tend to go for skeleton rps, you get more freedom with those. eventually i decided on dirk bc i liked the sound of aversio and grey moralities appeal to me greatly. i spent a long time delving into the character’s backstory and personality and all those deep-seated insecurities and compelling contradictions that make dirk up to be the person he is now. by the time i submitted the app i was thoroughly in love with the character and haven’t stopped since. he’s my most developed and my most beloved character to play thus far.

Do you have a favorite holiday?

NOPE. as long as im surrounded by people i love and a lot of snacks im good.

Do you prefer coffee or tea? Perhaps neither, or both?

coffee. coffee coffee coffee.

What is your personality type?

INFP-T. the mediator. 86% introverted lmaooo.

What is your Hogwarts House?

ahhh. when i first read the books a few years ago i was like ‘iM A SLYTHERIN DONT TOUCH ME!!!!!’ but i…………literally have the subtlety of a bulldozing stampede of rhinos im sure y’all noticed. i took the pottermore test and had the glaring red n gold show up on my face and i shut the laptop down so fast like liES I BELIEVE NONE OF THIS. then i took a fan-made test that put me in ravenclaw and i was like…………….. ok i accept this compromise i can work with that. lmao im such a gryffindor tho don’t look at me im just *flops* pottermore was right….. i accept my place now i have stopped running from the truth orz.

What is your Zodiac Sign?

Taurus.

Three most recently watched on Netflix?

SURPRISE! i don’t have netflix. most recent stuff i watched tho are Stranger Things 2, IT (2017) and…. i can’t remember orz. but im obsessed with stranger things taLK TO ME ABOUT STEVE HARRINGTON PLS I LOVE HIM SO MUCH *SOBS*

Describe your ride-or-die friend.

don’t call me out like this…………………………………. i don’t make friends in real life people are difficult and i am awkward orz.

If you could have any superpower, what would you choose?

the ability to focus whenever i want at whatever i want for however long i want and actually manage to be productive with my time. what do u mean this is not a superpower i need it to be one.

Are you an early bird or a night owl?

i have no sleep schedule to speak of. sometimes i sleep at five am and wake up at eight am to get to my classes, then have a six hour nap when i get home and stay up until four am again. sometimes i go to bed on eight pm and wake up at four in the morning and still sleep through my classes, take a small four hour nap when im home and spend obligatory time with the fam for a couple hours lmao. it’s like im just sleeping or waking up either way im always a step removed from a zombie. there is. no reason for any of this i just do it.

What is your favorite color?

YELLOW. it’s so bright and sunny and iouwodc. i love it.

What is the last book you read? What is your favorite?

ahhhh i can’t remember my memory is failing me. which is sad cause i used to pick up a new novel every other day but i just can’t be bothered anymore ugh. i think my favorite was the whole PJO & HoO series’ – i haven’t read the last book yet tho, so i’ll start rereading all ten books when i get the chance.

Where would you rather be right now?

on a bed. sleeping. alone. with a lot of blankets. solitude appeals to me on such a deep level guys u don’t even know.

Have you ever watched the sunrise?

the ones i remember are three – once when i was a kid with my mom, bc i wouldn’t go to sleep and it was approaching sunrise and i rambled about wanting to see the sun come up so my mom was like………………… ‘*throws hands up* ok u lil monster u win’ and took me to the roof to watch the sunrise lol. it was glorious. and cold. bc winter. the second time was with my cousins who were sleeping over (for the first time in a loooong tiiiimmmeeee) and we decided to spend the night up on the roof bc why not. the last time was with my brother i think he was up there fixing something or the other and i was just there….. to be annoying lmao.

Do you listen to music when you write? If yes, what kind of music?

oh no i can’t. i need everything and everyone to be quiet or i can’t write a thing.

What’s the one thing you especially love about roleplaying your muse/s?

what do i love about playing dirk…… his impulsive and his bright attitude and his endless optimism. he has such an uplifting presence and a cheeky sort of charm that makes it impossible for people not to love him, that makes his worming into other people’s hearts so entirely predictable and entertaining to play out. he is a myriad of contradictions – the difference between what he thinks everyone deserves and what he thinks he deserves is appalling, and with time it becomes clear that when he says things like “everyone needs someone to lean on” or “everyone could use some support” he is not referring to himself as a part of this ‘everyone’, if even on a subconscious level, does not find himself worthy of such kindness. he is a character so full of love he is spilling and overflowing with it, his raw emotions and his turbulent nature one of the dearest parts of him to me. the thin line he walks between being kind and violent, loyal and unforgiving, genuine and secretive. all the little details that make him up are reason for me to love him as dearly as i do.

What’s your favorite type of weather?

cold, but not too cold, y’know? just enough to wear a jacket but not so much you spend the night under five covers and a thermometer lmaoo.

What’s your best RP experience?

crt. no contest. and im not just saying that cause i’ve been in a bunch of rpgs by now and they all either a) lack dedicated admins/members b) are cliquey and non-inclusive at all or b) fall into inactivity a meager month or two after opening. crt is one of a kind.

Who inspires you?

this is actually a tough question cause i never really stop to think about it?? i draw inspiration from everything around me and it’s kinda like…. im constantly absorbing stuff from the environment im in and it’s like i’m always half-thinking about writing at any given moment, if that makes sense?? dunno.

Spread some love: mention someone you’ve met that has influenced you or your writing in a positive way and explain how!

ahhh okay so. before i tried roleplaying i stumbled upon this rpg in the fandom tag over a year ago and it’s basically been the catalyst for my time in the rpc. i was looking through the character’s blogs and found someone playing peter and i was like……….. not fond of peter at the time tbh but this person’s writing was so fucking incredible i checked their blog daily, just to see how this thread or that thread would go. their take on a character i’d only held distaste for before was so compelling and complex i was drawn in all the way, i’d even come to love the character so much and was constantly disarmed by the smallest to the biggest details in that person’s characterization – at least the details i could pick up on, some i’m sure went way over my head at the time. some details i still remember vividly and they’ve helped me shape my first character and have influenced my writing thereafter. i learned a lot about the duality of a character’s mind and how to express inner conflict by observing that person’s writing. (yes i sent them a nerdy af message gushing about all that bc they hadda know man…. they hadda know.)

#( ooc.)

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