#i’m probably allowed to but i’m not logging into tumblr on my work computer :

[littlestsnicket]

You can boop on mobile, it's weird that you can't. I know I had to activate it on the website and then it was in the app so it might be the same bug for you

oooh, i’ve had things like that happen before. i just checked and was able to opt in on my phone web browser but i’m not sure how to actually boop. maybe if i reload the app, it will work… i’ll mess around with it a bit but might have to wait until after work

[bubbledumbbinch]

Yandere! Idia Shroud x Camgirl! Reader SMUT

A/N: Hello! This is my first fic I've posted on tumblr, and I'm not used to using it at all. I hope this turned out okay and you enjoy! This is a College AU, implied magicless world, and reader is a camgirl.

This fic is purely 18+, minors do not interact.

Word Count: ~4.4k

Warnings: dubcon, brief mention of blood, non consensual drug use (aphrodisiacs)

Friday night, 11:24pm, 6 minutes before your scheduled time to start “work”. You had just finished putting on your makeup and outfit, now trying to hype yourself up in the mirror.

'I can do this. This is gonna be a great show!' You told yourself, while staring at your reflection wearing the revealing outfit. Tonight’s choice was a catgirl maid costume; the maid dress just barely covering your body and showing a large amount of chest. A choker with a bell on it, cat ears, and thigh high socks.

Giving yourself a nod of encouragement, you sat down in the chair in front of your desk, where your laptop and webcam were situated, along with your ring lights, one at each side of the desk so you were well lit for the camera. Making sure you were logged into the site, your camera angle looked good, and your laptop was charging, you waited.

You loved your side gig as a camgirl. You were able to appeal to multiple people’s sexual desires while also being able to bring yourself to pleasure, sometimes more than once per stream, if there were enough donations of course. You were also able to make a decent amount of money while doing this side job, paying for college while having fun was a pretty big plus. And, if you were gonna be honest, the validation of being attractive to so many people really made you feel a lot better about yourself.

You quickly noticed your clock switch to 11:30pm. Time to start. You clicked on the set of buttons you pretty much knew by heart to get the show started. Once it did, you started up some music to fill the silence. Just some cute electronic music to dance in your chair to while you wait for the viewers to come in. You didn’t really have as many as the big camgirls but you had a few loyal people come and watch your streams, which set your heart at ease.

5 viewers

cay-kun @ 11:31pm: wooow y/n-chan, you look so cute! excited for tonight’s show~

User18535 @ 11:32pm: fuck you’re so goddamn cute, i love your tits. can’t wait to see what that pussy looks like

10 viewers

You playfully giggled while reading the last message, winking and sticking your tongue out while flashing the camera your panties from under your skirt. While waiting for more people to join, you also made a point to talk to your viewers, asking about their day and what they’ve been up to recently, which they loved you for.

25 viewers

User58273 @ 11:34pm: You look so kawaii, I wish I could have you service me.

40 viewers

Glancing at the viewer count, you decide to officially start.

“Hi hiii~ I’m so happy to see you all here tonight! Let’s have some fun, hmm?” you started playfully. “Do you guys like my outfit?” Messages of “yes” and “yeah baby”s began flooding the chat and you grinned. “Well, I have something that will be a real treat for you all~”

You reached over to grab something that couldn’t be seen by the camera or the viewers.

~~~~~

Idia was browsing through the site full of nude streamers, trying to find a person to watch so he could relieve his tension from this week. It was midterms season and his Computer Science teachers were giving him hell by making him do in person presentations, exams, and assignments that kept piling up. It took a lot of time away from gaming and side projects of coding his own programs. He also unfortunately didn’t have his little brother Ortho with him in college, as the university didn’t allow them both to attend “as one student”. Ortho definitely eased some stress as someone he could trust and talk to, but Idia’s parents decided to keep Ortho at home to “prevent Idia from being distracted”, much to his dismay.

Idia was at least blessed to not have a roommate, so he could at least have his own privacy for nights like this. Idia’s eyes landed on a thumbnail of a girl that was dressed in cat ears and a lewd maid outfit and was intrigued. He clicked on the video icon and was met with your figure bent so that your ass was up and legs were spread on the chair you were previously sitting on. The girl on the stream had her panties down to her knees and was currently lubing up a cat tail butt plug.

“Ah, I’ve never used this before so, bear with me, please!” She pleaded, eyes looking directly at the camera. Idia was intrigued now this was her first time using it. He felt like this was perfect timing, almost like she was doing it just for him. Until he saw the comments flooding in from different people who were probably thinking the same way.

“Put it in already”

“Go slow okay~”

“don’t force yourself if you don’t want to! >//<”

“Tch,” Idia scoffed to himself. “Seems like she has simps already. No use in being interested in someo-“

“H- here it goes!” You moaned, starting to slowly shove the length and girth of the butt plug into your tight hole. “Aaanh~ it’s stretching me out...” Your eyes pricked with tears while your face contorted into pure pleasure with a hint of pain, all while staring at the camera. Every so often he could hear the little jingle from the bell on your choker.

Idia felt his pants getting tighter and his palms were starting to sweat. The face you made at him was just too unreal and he needed more. He palmed at his growing erection while you shivered at the feeling of being filled by the toy. Pulling his sweatpants down to his ankles, he started stroking his cock lightly.

cay-kun @ 11:38pm: oh y/n-chan the way that stretches out your hole is so sexy~ definitely taking a screenshot for later!

User39748 @ 11:38pm: SHIT i wish i was there fucking you with that in your ass

Blushing, you turned around so that one of your legs were in the chair while your other was up, effectively showing the camera a view of your pussy and butt plug. “What do you want me to do? I’ll just play with myself until someone makes a donation and tells me what I should do! Highest bidder within the next minute~.” With that, you looked into the camera again while soaking your middle and ring fingers with saliva and bringing them to your clit, rubbing small circles into it.

Idia realized that, even now, he wanted to have some kind of control over you. He had a lot of disposable income, being from a pretty rich family. The blue haired boy grabbed his credit card and began to type.

Ignia has donated $100!

Your eyes widened and you gasped slightly. Idia bit his bottom lip at the sight. “Ah, Ignia! Thank you for the donation, you’re new here! Welcome, what would you like to see me do~?” You smiled while looking at the camera. Idia felt like you were staring into his soul and he was sweating profusely. He thought for a minute, gulped, and decided to send a message.

Ignia @ 11:43pm: I want you to keep watching my messages and do what I say, kitten. First I want you to grab a vibrating dildo if you have one and put it at the lowest setting, then fuck yourself slowly with it.

Idia would never have the balls to be this bold with anybody. But this is the internet, so fuck it, he’ll be truthful and just say what he wanted.

You nodded and proceeded to grab one from the table of toys you had next to your desk, lubed it slightly, and did what he told you to. You moaned at the intrusion and the feeling of being filled. “Mmh, it feels so good..!” You cried out.

Ignia has donated $50!

Ignia @ 11:45pm: And by the way, call me Master. You don’t get to cum until I say so.

You shivered at this stranger’s boldness and quietly spoke, “Yes, master...” you looked away shyly from the camera and closed your eyes for a minute, thrusting the vibrating device in and out of your wetness. A couple of moans slipped through your mouth as you felt your juices spreading onto your legs.

Ignia @ 11:47pm: Faster. Fuck yourself faster for me, kitten, and put it on the medium setting for me.

You did as you were told, fingers trembling to follow what the stranger had told you. Your (h/c) hair was starting to feel moist from your layer of sweat and your body was heating up, causing your breasts to stick to the costume.

Ignia @ 11:49pm: Take your tits out and play with your nipples

You panted heavily and lowered your chest area’s covering, revealing the sheen of sweat around your tits. Flicking your left nipple while working the dildo with your right, your hands were occupied with pleasing yourself as this stranger commanded, moaning out. “Aah, m-master, f-feels so go-ood~!”

Idia was smirking, stroking hard at his cock at the sight and idea of you actually doing what he said almost made him cum then and there, but he stopped himself. He couldn’t help the rapid beating of his heart when you said the last sentence. Idia felt special. The power he had over you was addicting and he wanted to see you push yourself over the edge under his command.

65 viewers

User58273: Fuck this is so hot, I wish I could be your master too

Seeing this comment somehow made Idia seethe. He didn’t want to share you, even though this was his first stream with you. You made him feel special. He started typing out his draft of what to reply to the thirsty viewers.

Draft: Ignia: You stupid bastards, no, I’m not going to share her.

Before Idia could send the message you spoke up in a moaning voice. “*pant* N-no, my master tonight is I-Ignia, haanh~”. You were still playing with your nipples while fucking yourself well with the dildo, a light blush decorated your face and beads of sweat starting to form on the sides of your face and your body.

Idia’s jaw dropped. ‘Does she actually really want me?’ He was getting hot, too hot for his own comfort. Usually he wouldn’t last this long during his sessions but he really wanted to see you fall apart under his command. He paid for it, after all.

“Master~ I’m getting close, I- I wanna cum soon!” You whined, pleading (e/c) orbs staring into the camera with your mouth open from panting heavily.

“Cum already, don’t hold yourself back”

“Just keep going babygirl”

“Let yourself cum”

Once again, Idia scoffed in annoyance, but he noticed you never acknowledged any of the other commenters, waiting patiently for the words to come from him.

Ignia @ 11:55pm: put the toy at the highest setting, fuck yourself til you cum, then keep pumping it while you ride out your climax.

Upon seeing those words, your fingers work to put your toy at the highest setting inside your dripping cunt. You closed your eyes while you try to imagine the user who was giving out the commands, imagining them slapping your ass and fucking you until you could see stars. The feeling of both of your holes being filled was overwhelming now, and the hot feeling built up in your core faster than you realized. Idia could see it too, the heaving of your chest was picking up rapidly.

“M-,, ma- master.! I’m cumming!!!” You shrieked. Closing your eyes with your tongue unintentionally lolling out, you released a silent scream as soon as your orgasm hit. It felt like a knot inside of your body had come undone suddenly. Your orgasm had your pussy clenching around the toy that was still vibrating intensely inside of you, stimulating you longer and making you release high pitched screams.

Hearing your words before cumming had Idia teetering on the edge, but watching your facial expressions and your moans made him finish suddenly with a grunt, his pale cock spurting thick white cum all over his hand. Still, Idia kept stroking his length while you were riding out your high, overstimulating himself to match your actions on the stream.

You pulled out the toy weakly and turned it off, putting it down on a towel next to your desk.

Ignia has donated $5!

Ignia @ 11:59pm: Spread your pussy lips babygirl, I wanna see your tight hole.

User39748 @ 11:59pm: I agree with Ignia

cay-kun @ 12:00am: ah~ I also agree. Let’s see you spread it, hmm~? Oh, can you also do a lil ‘nya!’?

You checked the chat and blushed heavily, post-orgasm shyness now taking over your mind. You hesitantly shifted in the chair while spreading yourself open with your pointer and middle finger, showing off your glistening folds with your lightly abused hole. “Nya...” you held up your other hand to do the signature “catgirl” pose, playfully sticking your tongue out too.

Idia was cleaning himself off but he could feel himself twitch again, staring at your meek form. You were so gorgeous and he really wanted to see more of you, making sure to press the “Follow” button, so he wouldn’t miss another stream.

After a few seconds, you decide to end your show, feeling extremely tired and needing a shower from sweating so much. “Thank you so so much for joining me tonight! I hope you guys have a wonderful rest of your evening~ take care and I hope to see you all soon!”

Small tips ranging between $1-$10 started to flow in along with messages of “take care~” “see you soon!” “great show baby ;)”.

You clicked off and you sighed deeply. Looking at your earnings tonight, you made around $200. This was probably the most you’ve made in one single stream, and $155 of that was from Ignia, a new follower and the one who pretty much commanded your entire show tonight. It really turned you on to have someone do that for you and it was the first time a viewer made you do something that felt so lewd that made you cum so quickly.

You stood up from the chair, cleaned up your desk and toys, and headed for the bathroom. Taking off your makeup in the sink, you jumped into the shower to clean yourself up.

~~~~~

Idia tentatively bit his shirt sleeve, his blue locks framing his face. Something inside of him told him that he needed to talk to you more. He had already typed out a message to send along with his friend request. He was scared - scared of being rejected by someone as pretty as you, especially now that he had already felt so attached to you, or rather, what he’s seen from the stream tonight.

Yellow eyes closed tightly as he clicked to send the friend request to you.

~~~~~

Jumping out of the shower, you throw on a head and body towel and started to brush your teeth. Walking around the room you realized your laptop was still on, and there was a notification box front and center. Curious, you clicked on it.

“One new friend request and message”.

“Friend Request: Ignia

Message: Hey, this is the user from your stream earlier. I just wanted to say I really enjoyed your stream tonight. You seem nice too, so I’d like to get to know you more. If you’re interested just feel free to add me back, no pressure ofc.

Thx

Ignia”

You blinked a few times, pondering what you should do. You had gotten messages from guys before but they only said cheap compliments and asking for private shows. You were single so there wasn’t anybody holding you down and this guy didn’t seem to radiate any bad vibes. His dominant nature over chat really turned you on and you were curious about him, so you decided to accept his friend request and send a reply.

“From: y/n-kitty-cat

Hi there :) I decided to accept your message, cause why not? You shouldn’t be that creepy, right? ;P anyway, I’m glad you enjoyed my stream tonight <3 I hope you can come to future ones too!! I’d like to see you around more ;)

❤️

y/n”

You sent the message and went to the bathroom to finish brushing your teeth and your other nightly routines.

Idia couldn’t believe his eyes - you had actually messaged him back and you were really flirtatious!! That meant he was different in your eyes, right? It has to be true! He was determined to meet up with you, eventually. His dick throbbed at the idea of having you to himself, pleasing him with your mouth, doing all those lewd faces you made on the stream... his mind wandered while he pushed his pants down once again and thought of his muse who was now his “friend”.

~~~~~

After a few days of messaging back and forth, you and Ignia had ended up exchanging numbers and using text to communicate almost daily. You found out things like what your majors in college were, finding out his real name was Idia, which was a pretty unique name, and realizing you were both from the same city. Well, it’s not like Idia hadn’t already done his research - the night he became your friend he had stalked all of your social medias under a throwaway account and scrolled through every photo and bit of information he could find about you. He was becoming so hyper fixated on you he needed to know more, who could blame him? Idia just hoped he would be seeing more of you in your streams so he could watch you get off again, maybe with his assistance.

Unfortunately for you though, you realized you couldn’t stream as much because midterms were also kicking your ass. You apologized to your viewers with a blog post who luckily understood and wished you luck, saying they looked forward to your next show.

Idia couldn’t see your pretty face from the stream, which made him yearn. He told Ortho about his crush on you and when the small boy told Idia to “just tell you the truth and meet up with you!” he wanted to shut down completely. But, he wasn’t completely opposed to the idea of you being in his room, exactly where he wanted you. Sighing, he picked up his phone to send you a text.

Idia: “hey”

Y/n: “hey there! 😉”

Idia: “soo i was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime”

Y/n: “omg 😱 like irl? I’ve never even heard your voice before lol”

Idia: “ik, i’m a bit shy in person.”

Y/n: “i see, so is the life of a gamer and a shut in?😏😂”

Idia: “hah, yeah i guess lol”

Y/n: “soo, what did you wanna do?”

Idia: “idk, anything you want. Except go outside. And be in public.”

Y/n: “pfft, that takes away like any idea at this point HAHA”

Idia: “ya lol i prefer gaming in my room tbh”

Y/n: “oh, then maybe we can just hang out and play games or something like that?”

Idia: “Yeah, why don’t you come over to my dorm, we could game and eat snacks”

Y/n: “Sounds great! This Friday then, 6pm?”

Idia: “Sure i’ll text you the details later”

Y/n: “Awesome :) see you in a couple days then ;)”

Idia: “cool”

Idia threw himself on his bed and screamed silently into the pillow. Idia wanted more than to just be your friend but unfortunately was also extremely shy, especially when talking to new people in person. But as he was sexually attracted to you, he knew he would have a hard time hiding it from you. He had hoped to initiate some kind of sexual interaction when you met up, wanting to indulge in your sinful reactions himself. He didn’t even want to think about anybody else seeing you like that. Idia was growing possessive and realized that if he were to get you where he wanted you, he needed to do a little bit of digging. Which meant searching the web for something that would help make you more agreeable to something sexual. He knew he himself couldn’t make you agree to it, he was too nervous to initiate that! He knew what he needed - an aphrodisiac.

Composing himself, he got onto his computer and compared his options as well as looking for advice on how to please a woman. His eyes widened and lips trembled as he realized he was definitely way too shy to initiate as much as other men do, but he was determined to try anything if it meant your attention.

~~~~~

Today was finally Friday, and the current time was 5:30pm. You styled your (h/c) locks and put on a light amount of makeup, not as much as you would when you streamed but enough to make yourself feel pretty. You also decided that you still wanted to be cute, even if you and Idia were just friends at this point, and wore a tight crop top, a high waisted black skirt, and some thigh high socks since it was a bit breezy outside. You topped it all off with a (f/c) cardigan so you could at least feel comfortable in the sleeves. Packing your bag, you took one last look at yourself in the mirror, did a little peace sign and smiled, feeling cute as hell. You grabbed your keys and walked out of your dorm, heading towards Idia’s campus.

You parked at the place he told you to and gotten out of your car, looking around for him. Shit, you just realized you didn’t even ask him what he was gonna wear or what he really looked like, which was pretty dumb in hindsight. You did catch a glimpse of a tall lanky guy with fluffy blue hair and a striped t-shirt, who was fumbling around on his phone and didn’t realize you was standing right by him.

“Excuse me,” you interrupted his peace softly, causing him to jump up and squeal in fear. “Oh!! I’n so sorry, I’m just looking for someone and I didn’t know if I was in the right place?”

Idia froze. It really was you, in the flesh, looking at him and taking his appearance in. You were gorgeous, even more so than he would have ever thought, and your voice brought tingles to his spine that made him shudder. Idia realized he was being quiet for a longer than acceptable time and he looked away. “H-hi,, y/n...” he mumbled barely even audible.

“Oh!! Idia? Is that you? Hi!!!” You exclaimed, seemingly really excited. Your mouth was curved into a wide smile too.

“Huh, you sound really enthusiastic...” Idia whispered, thinking he really said it in his own mind instead of out loud.

“Of course I am! I’m finally done with midterms and now I can relax and have fun with my new friend!” You said, bumping your shoulder with him, causing him to hold his breath.

Idia gulped when he realized what you said. Friend. Right, that’s all he was to you. At least for now. But hopefully that would change soon, right?

“Y-yeah. Let’s go inside.” Idia muttered, turning his back and walking.

Based on his demeanor, you almost forgot that Idia was the one who was so dominant during your stream the other week, since his attitude was so shy in real life. But, you pushed that thought to the back of your head, today was gonna be a fun day with a new friend, and that was strictly it. You didn’t really want to make your side job as a sex worker into a big thing that would make real life friendships difficult.

~~~~~

After he led you through the halls of the dorm, he brought you to a door and opened it up. Inside it was a bit messy, but an organized mess, one where the owner definitely knew where everything was. He had a pc setup with multiple monitors, RGB lighting which was mostly set to shades of blue, and a really nice gaming chair to go along with it. He also had a shelf with different manga series along it and other consoles for gaming, a bed, a door that led to a bathroom, and a mini fridge. Pretty nice for someone who lived without a roommate, you thought.

You walked over to his bed and flopped down onto it. Idia couldn’t help but think about the many times he had masturbated to you on those sheets that you were now sitting on. He was wondering what kind of panties you were wearing too, when he was suddenly interrupted.

“So! I guess we should get started on some games, yeah? I think I wanna play a fighting one against you! I’m totally gonna win~” You smiled up at him playfully.

Idia let his personality slip when games were brought up. “Tch, you really think you’re gonna win against me ? Think again.” The blue haired boy smirked down at you, which lit up the fire of competition in your heart.

“Let’s go then, dude.”

~~~~~

After about 15 minutes of close battles but still losing every one, you groaned and put the controller down on the floor where you and Idia were positioned in front of a monitor. You had developed a small sheen of sweat on your face from the stress. “Hey Idia, do you have anything to drink? I’m so thirstyy~” You looked at him and pouted, hoping he would maybe have some soda or water for you.

“A-ah, yes I do...” he stuttered a bit, seemingly nervous about something. He shuffled over to a mini fridge near his desk and brought out a cooler bottle. “Here, I made this sweet tea yesterday and you can drink from it...” Idia handed you the cool bottle and you observed it suspiciously. He was starting to feel his breath hitch and wondered if you had caught on.

“Hm~? Drinking from the same bottle already? So intimate!” You teased him, lightly elbowing his side. “Well, here goes nothing.” You tipped the bottle into your mouth and the tea tasted like sweet peach, with a slightly bitter aftertaste.

“Hm, it’s... interesting. What kind of tea is it?” You inquired, looking at the contents and sniffing it.

“I-it’s a recipe I found online! It looked good so, I decided to make it, I- I thought you would like it...” he shyly put down his head, trying to hide his suspicious nervousness from you.

“Okay... well it’s pretty good! I’ll drink some more, thanks for thinking of me~” you said as you gulped down the drink for a few more seconds. “Mmh! I think that cooled me down, let’s play more rounds!”

Idia looked back at you and sighed in relief. “Y-yeah, let’s do that.” He didn’t know how long it would take to work but at least he could distract his nerves by playing some games.

~~~~~

You started to sweat and feel hot. Unbearably hot. You cleared your throat and pulled off your cardigan and folded it to the side, but it wasn’t enough. The heat spread from your head, to your torso, and to your lower regions. Feeling hot and a deep... itch that you couldn't quite reach, in your crotch, you decide to change the position in which you were sitting, from crossing your legs to having them right underneath you, to feel some sort of friction in that area. You could feel yourself blushing intensely while the blue haired man next to you was still immersed in the game you both were supposed to play.

Watching him, you couldn’t help but notice the way his fingers moved on the controller, his thumbs and pointers expertly moving across it. You started thinking about how they would feel playing with your nipples and clit - wait. ‘What am I even thinking about?! Snap out of it!’ But, you also couldn’t help but think about when you were close to beating him during a round, his voice changed to a lower, frustrated one, and he even let out a little growl. Even now you noticed the way his eyes were so glued to the monitor with a small scowl on his face. Thinking about that sent throbs and heat to your growing wetness.

WINNER: PLAYER 1!

“Fuhehe, I knew I could beat you again~ but for some reason it felt like you weren’t trying as hard this round.” Idia put down his controller, finally took a glance at you, and his breath was caught in his throat.

Your (s/c) body was covered with a layer of sweat, cheeks burning and your eyes looked glossy. You were also panting slightly, rubbing your legs together softly to try to create more friction. “A-ah,, hey... do you think you could lower the temperature in here? It- it’s getting really hot. Maybe I could have more of that cold tea?” You breathed, trying to sound more stable than you were.

Idia was dumbfounded for a second and totally forgot you had drank the tea that he mixed with the aphrodisiacs. He gulped as he leaned closer to your face, observing you. “Is... is there anything else I can help you, w-with?” Idia placed a hand on the floor near your thigh and watched as you tried to scoot away from it.

“D-don’t do that... it’s...,” you whimpered, back now touching the side of his bed as you leaned away from his touch. Since when did he smell so good? His scent radiating from his proximity sent tingles across your body.

“Do what?” Idia experimentally reached out to touch your arm, fingers grazing your back slightly. You couldn’t fight back the moan that slipped out of your mouth. “Haah~ I-Idia...” you breathed, looking at him with pleading eyes. You really weren’t planning on doing anything with your new friend, so why was your body disobeying your mind?

“Y/n... you know you can tell me if there’s a-anything you need.. I’ll help you.” Idia’s eyes were still wide and the way he looked at you made you start craving. You wanted him - no, you NEEDED him to touch you more. You never really thought about it, but, Idia really was attractive. It’s not because of your hazy mindset that you realized it, but the way the blue lights illuminated his pale skin and make his hair almost glow, you were just focusing on it more. He was... cute.

“I-...” you started, looking down at his hand on your arm, and then back at him. Staring at his lips, you felt your arms move around his neck as you pulled him closer. Your lips smashed against each others messily and you released a soft whimper against his mouth. The reality hitting you, you moved your head back suddenly breaking the kiss. Your body was still hot.

“F-first...” Idia was stuttering. “First... kiss...” Idia stared wide eyed at you, lips still trembling. He blushed and turned away, his brows tilted upwards as if he were troubled.

“Oh, oh god, I’m so sorry....” you breathed out, scared you had fucked it up with your friend.

“Haah.. more...” his eyes suddenly turned back to you, seemingly darker than before. “I want more of you, y/n...” with that, he brought his lips to yours again and moved them sloppily against your own. He even took the liberty to bite your bottom lip with his sharp teeth, causing you to yelp. Idia used this opportunity to shove his tongue past your mouth and moved it against your own, causing you to moan in pleasure while you could feel your panties starting to drench.

Idia pulled away from you, cheeks tinted pink. Both of you panted for breath, your clothes now feeling sticky due to sweat. He scanned your blushing figure and saw an opening of your skirt that had shown off your lacy panties. Idia gulped and dove his head towards your clothed pussy, breathing in the essence and shuddering loudly, which made you gasp.

“Idiia, no... we, we shouldn’t...” you whined. But you could feel your body was not agreeing with your words. When the tip of his nose grazed your clit you bucked your hips against his head, letting out a moan at the contact.

He lifted up your skirt to your waist so he could see your facial expressions. Suddenly, his wet tongue experimentally slid up your clothed pussy, piercing yellow eyes locked onto your glazed over eyes. You shrieked at the sensation and felt embarrassed that he could get you like this, and you were still wearing your panties.

“Hhn, you wore these for me, didn’t you..?” Idia said, which made you blush. “No, I- I didn’t...” you muttered weakly, trying to avoid his gaze

Idia’s grip on your thighs suddenly got tighter and he looked up at you with furrowed brows. “Don’t lie to me, kitten. I know you want me, like how you did on the night we met, on your stream.” Idia firmly told you. It seemed like it was more like he was convincing himself. "N-no Idia, I... I don't want to-" you started, until you were interrupted.

Idia’s teeth bit suddenly into your soft thigh, causing it to bleed a bit. You knew it would leave a big mark later. “AH!! F-fuck!!” You grabbed onto his blue hair and felt your pussy clench onto nothing. Why, why are you enjoying this? It was like Idia’s personality had changed, from the shy person you met outside his dorm to a more possessive and rough one. You were a bit scared of him but why was he making you feel so good?

You didn’t have time to think as you felt him move the fabric of your panties to the side so your drenched cunt was fully visible to him. He stared in awe and took in everything - the shape, size, and how wet you were. You brought the back of your hand up to your head and panted with embarrassment. “Idia... mmh...”, tears pricking the corners of your eyes. Your body was still wanting more and after your mind was fighting the feeling so much, you decided to let it be. “Please...”

Idia met your eyes and saw how glossy they were. He lifted your body onto the bed so that you were now lying on your back while he was still in front of your crotch. You softly breathed in and out, causing your chest to rise and fall in your sweat soaked top. He snaked a pale hand under your shirt to grope your breast in your lacy bra, cold fingers sending shivers through your hot body. Idia couldn’t resist any longer, he suddenly shoved his wet muscle onto your pussy with fervor. You gasped and threw your head back onto Idia’s plush pillow, and shoved your hand on the back of his head pushing it deeper into your legs. Idia couldn’t contain himself and moaned into your heat, sending vibrations through it. “Oh- aaanh~ Idi-aaa~....” you sighed and whined. He took this opportunity to lower the cup of your bra below your breast and pinch your pert nipple in his fingers.

“Fuck~!” you screamed, feeling hot tears flowing down your face. Your body couldn’t take it much longer. Your core was building a familiar sensation but it was all too overwhelming and coming too fast. “It feels so good!!” You squealed, squeezing your thighs together so you were caging his head. Idia focused his energy lapping hungrily at your clit and then pushed two digits of his free hand through your wet hole, pumping them in and out. Your panting breaths were becoming shorter with each pump.

“Idia~ I’m close!! I’m gonna cum..!” You looked at him between your legs, and he lifted his mouth off of your cunt for a brief second. He stared into your eyes with his yellow ones, which stared at you intensely, licked his lips, and spoke.

“Cum for me then, kitten. Don’t hold back, cum all over my face.” With that, he dove back in and pumped his fingers into your core and flicked his tongue on your sensitive pearl even faster than before. Idia’s hips were rutting on his mattress, precum wetting his undergarments.

“Oh god - I’m cumming, I’m cumming~!!” You screeched and squeezed his head with your thighs, squirting his face and sheets with your cum. His tongue darted around your pussy licking off your juices. You breathed heavily, riding out your high. It took everything in him to stop himself from cumming right then and there - he wanted to save that for later.

Idia leaned up to where you were and kissed you passionately, and you could taste yourself all over his mouth. You moaned at the taste of your own juices on his tongue. Still exhausted from Idia eating you out, your body somehow craved the feeling of being filled. You sat up and got up from the bed and for a second he was afraid you were getting ready to leave. You removed your drenched shirt in front of him as well as your skirt, underwear, and bra. Still wearing your thigh high socks, he stopped you before you could remove them. “I, I want you to keep those on...” he licked his lips as he stared at your socks squeezing your plush thighs, the mark he made earlier with his teeth was visible and bruising now.

Following your lead, Idia was removing his own garments, tossing his shirt to the side. He was lean, not too skinny but not muscular either, pale all over. He also removed his pants and swung them over to the floor. Idia avoided your gaze as his erection was now very much so noticeable in his boxers, and you could even see a dark spot where his precum had made a mark. You felt your vagina tremble at the sight of it. It’s been a long time since you’ve had a partner and the anticipation was starting to get to you. As for Idia, well, everything was his first.

You knelt down in front of his bed and his legs and reached out to touch the head of his penis through the boxers, making him twitch and breathe out. “Mmh,...” you pulled down his underwear to reveal his lengthy cock. He wasn’t extremely girthy but he made up for that in length. The head of it was a shade of pale pink and dripped with clear liquid. You took some of the clear liquid in your hand and began teasing the head of his dick. Opening your mouth, you also gave it a few kitten licks while you pumped the base. Idia let out a few grunts and threw his head back, causing you to grow wet again.

Idia felt himself getting too close to orgasm which made him grab your head to stop you from going further. He lifted you up again and placed you on his lap, your dripping cunt hovering over his standing cock. Your body was hot again as you stared into Idia’s yellow eyes, a pink haze dusting his pale cheeks. Remembering he was a virgin, you looked at him hesitantly. ‘I- I don’t know, are you sure you want to lose your virginity right now?’ was what you were planning on saying, until he spoke up.

“Y/n... I need you. I’ve been wanting to do this to you for a while. I- I'm gonna put it in...” Idia whispered, panting slightly. As he was lowering your hips, you couldn't say anything as you felt his tip graze your wetness and you whimpered at the feeling. He kept bringing your hips down until you felt him all the way inside, head of his dick kissing your cervix. You threw your arms around his neck and moaned into his ear, causing a grunt from your partner. Not giving you time to adjust, Idia started thrusting in and out sloppily into your hole, squelching and moaning sounds filling the air of his usually quiet dorm.

“Oh Idia, please, pleasepleaseplease-!” You screamed, not even knowing what you were pleading for. Your (h/c) hair was sweaty and you felt your eye makeup starting to run with every tear you shed. Idia’s loud grunts filled your ear, causing your heat to build up.

“*pant* Mmh, y/n...” he paused and started thrusting into you slowly but hard, pulling you back so his forehead could touch with yours, blue hair still frayed in his face. “You have, *pant* no idea... I would masturbate to your pictures every. Single. Night. I jerked off on these sheets and used your photos of you smiling, you weren’t even *pant* n-naked... Does that, *pant* make me a sick pervert? No matter, you're here with me now, and I'm mmh, making you feel good, right?” Idia confessed, yellow eyes staring into yours with infatuation and obsession. You felt your breath hitch in a feeling familiar to fear. He was lovesick. Not the same person you thought you were messaging for the past few days or gaming with earlier. He looked deranged.

“I... Aaanh~!” You were cut off by a particularly hard thrust into your cervix. Idia licked your neck while thrusting into your abused hole. “I’m gonna breed you, kitten. W-wanna see you drip with my cum.. mmh, you want that?”

You were so close to your release that you didn’t even care about what he was saying. “More Idia, more!!” You breathed. Closing your eyes and now using your own hips to grind into his cock.

Remembering a particular position that grabbed Idia’s attention, he lifted you up, dick still hard inside of you. He placed your back on the bed, your head on his pillow while he brought your legs up to your chest. Idia continued to thrust into you, your face now in full view. He held your wrists in one hand above your head so you couldn’t hide your face from his eyes.

“Idia...” you breathed out. “I- Idia!!!!” You felt your orgasm approaching fast while he pounded into you relentlessly. “Haaanh~ I’m close!!” You moaned shamelessly.

“Hnnh, that’s r-right, y/n... mm, cum for me...” Idia breathed out in between his panting. With that, Idia thrusted faster until the knot that was building in your lower regions finally released. “Aaanh~!! I’m cumming, Idia, c-cumming all over your cock!!” Your face contorted into one of full bliss, eyes looking straight into his with your mouth in an o-shape. The walls around Idia’s length clenched tightly, milking him of his seed. Idia came suddenly with a groan, pumping it deep within you while riding out his high. "Fuck, y/n!!"

Idia rolled you both to your sides, his dick softening inside you. You both panted hard as you faced one another. You opened your eyes to find him with his eyes closed, blushing at the sight of your naked bodies still intertwined even after your climaxes. “We, we actually did it...” he whispered and opened his eyes. “!!!!” He made a mildly surprised noise, eyes widening and turning away.

“Eeh?! What’s wrong!?” You said, wondering if something was on your face. “N-nothing it’s just.... I’m surprised we... you.. you’re staring at me... I’m sorry, I’m still not used to people doing that...” Idia said shamefully, darting his yellow eyes to and from you periodically.

You couldn’t help but giggle. “Eek!! Why,, are you laughing at me?” Idia frowned and hid his face in the pillow. “Well.. your personality is different when you’re having sex versus not. It's interesting.” you told him, tracing a finger along his arm.

Idia blushed intensely, throwing his arms around your neck and hid his pale face in your neck. "Mmph..! I-, I like you, y/n..." he breathed into your neck. "I wouldn't be able to handle you doing this with another person so... will you be mine?" Idia pulled back to watch your face as you contemplated.

Idia's words from earlier suddenly flooded your memories. He looked insane when he confessed to his perverted actions and it evoked an uncertain emotion akin to fear. Your body felt paralyzed. But in the moment, with Idia's lightly pink tinged skin and unsure eyes, you had to admit it made your heart flutter, too. "Yes, Idia..."

[couldyouspeakmyname]

Yandere is a portmanteau of two Japanese words. The first is yanderu, which means “to be sick,” and the second is deredere, used here for “lovestruck.” A yandere is often sweet, caring, and innocent before switching into someone who displays an extreme, often violent or psychotic, level of devotion to a love interest.

(Remember, Yandere’s are toxic, and while it’s fun to write and read about in fiction, it’s not okay in real life. This is your warning)

I’m so sorry anon! Tumblr deleted my draft about the Yandere!Shishigumi ask. I re-did it and I hope it’s okay!

(Sorry for any errors I wanted to post it before tumblr ate it again ;-;)

-Maeve

Ibuki

How they act around you

Ibuki adores you. How could he not? You’re everything he’s ever wanted in a partner. He can’t let you know that though, he doesn’t want to overwhelm you or scare you off. Instead, he becomes your friend. He’s there for you whenever you need him, no matter what time of night or day. If he’s not available, he sends someone else to help you. He’s always there, spending time with you, that others hardly ever see you without him. 

He’s supportive of all your goals, and wants to do whatever he can to make them happen. 

Over time you’ll find that no one else is as loving and supportive as he is (he makes sure no one else can be). He wants nothing more than to see you happy, with him.

He’ll quickly becomes your shoulder to cry on, the person you rely on. 

He’s your foundation. 

How they act when angry

Ibuki is extremely protective of you. He doesn’t often loose his temper, but when he does it’s when someone's crossed you. You’ll find that rude, or mean, animals you’ve run into have gone away. Usually you find they’ve moved, or transferred jobs/school/ect. Ibuki makes sure you don’t know what really happened to them. He knows you’d be upset if you knew, but it’s really in your best interest. 

He will go into a silent rage when someone tries to take what’s his. Usually they’re harmless strangers he can ignore, but if they try and give you their number, or pursue you further than one interaction, he looses it. Luckily for Ibuki, you don't know them well, so when they go missing you wont be grieving. 

Free

How they act around you

Free adores you, and it’s one of the most obvious things in the world. He’s always hugging you, throwing an arm around your shoulders, and calls you nicknames. He never even asked you out, but everyone assumes you’re an item by how he acts. He never corrects them, and goes as far as to call you his baby when you’re out of earshot. 

Free loves to tease you. Some jokes are at your expense, but nothing is too intense. He thinks you’re adorable when you get flustered, and have extreme reactions. 

He never leaves you without leaving his scent on you. He hangs on you, or has his arms around you in hugs, and a big part of it his him leaving his scent as a silent warning to anyone who comes in close proximity. Animals don’t hit on those that smell like lions. He does it so often you may even become nose blind to it. 

He will go to your home when you’re not there, invite himself in. 

He goes through your stuff, but is sneaky about it. You wont know he’s logged onto your computer, or that he’s gone through your phone. He’s a feline, so he’s very quiet. Breaking and entering is the least of his crimes.

How they act when angry

Free is volatile on a good day, and that’s not even when it’s concerning you. He loves fighting, violence, and it’s a recipe for disaster when something happens.

Don’t fight with Free. He’s hard to fight with, but if you do Free punches holes in walls, breaks things. He would never turns his violence your direction, but anything else? Free game.

That’s not even taking into consideration what happens when other animals hit on you. The few animals that ignore the fact he’s scented you, don’t live long. As soon as they’re alone, Free destroys them. Free doesn’t kill them outright, he wants them to suffer, and by the time he’s done they’re unrecognizable. 

Dolph (credit to @beqstars for the help!)

How they act around you

He spends time with you. At first it’s with a small group of the Shishigumi, then the group dwindles down until it’s just you and him. It starts happening so much, it becomes natural for it to just be Dolph and you

He starts really weaseling his way in by offering to help you around you home, with any extra work you have.

Before you realize it, Dolph is always with you. The few times he’s not, he actually is. 

Dolph is a feline, and despite his size, he moves silently and in the shadows. He keeps track of you, no matter where you are, and no matter where you go. If he’s not there, one of his cohorts usually is. 

Dolph is intimidating, and while you may assure people that he’s not a threat, their instincts are right. He is. All it takes is a look over your shoulder at someone, and that scares most people off.

Dolph does whatever you need him to, and is very supportive of your endeavors. It wouldn’t be above him to make competition for a job disappear, or for the animal to give it up in favor of your promotion. 

Dolph would risk his life for you, without question. He’d also kill for you, without question. He’d never tell you that though. 

How they act when angry

Dolph has a firm grip on his temper, so it takes a lot for him to get mad. You probably could even go out on a date, and he’d control himself (though he’d persuade that you two were no good for one another calmly). 

What would make him loose his temper is if you kissed someone else, or began limiting your time with him because of affection for someone else.

Dolph’s temper is calm, cool, and lethal.

The person who you began dating may ghost you, or move suddenly. The person who kissed you? Dolph sets him up for something horrible, so you don’t grieve the loss of whoever it was. Luckily for you, in your grief, Dolph is there to comfort you. They were scum anyway. He can hold you, don’t worry. 

Agata

How they act around you

Agata is friendly and sweet, if not a bit shy. He likes to be close to you, but never pushes the limit too far. He just likes being in your presence. 

Due to his sweet disposition, no one ever sees him coming. Plus, Agata has a very dark mane, so when he does speak with authority, no one questions him.

Agata will use his gang connections to keep you safe and keep an eye on you

Agata is easy to talk to, and because he’s so easy to talk to, it’s easy for him to find out your secrets. It’s easy for you to let him in, and let him know your thoughts, dreams, and hopes. He supports all of them. 

You two end up talking so much that he just falls into being someone you can’t picture going without. He’s always there when you need him, even when you don’t call him. He just seems to know. 

Is it okay if he holds your hand now?

He’s going to do whatever he has to in order to make sure you’re happy. No matter the cost. 

How they act when angry

Agata doesn’t get easily angry, but when he does, he becomes a totally different lion

Agata is so much stronger than he lets on, or that anyone knows. He can and will smash skulls when someone looks at you wrong. 

He wont let anyone hurt you. It doesn’t matter if they’re putting you at risk physically, emotionally, or financially. Hell, it doesn’t matter if they just cut you off in traffic, Agata can’t let anyone put his special someone at risk. 

Agata wont do it when you’re around, instead he stalks the animal he’s after, and waits until they’re alone. 

It’s very messy, but he has the Shishigumi to help clean up after him. 

Agata hopes you understands how much you mean to him 

Miguel

How they act around you

Miguel is very quiet, and doesn’t talk without purpose. He just kind of creeps into your life. You think maybe you met him when you went on a walk?

On a bad day, he shows up and cooks you dinner. You don’t question the fact you don’t remember telling him where you lived, you’re feeling bad and he’s there to make you feel better. 

He always responds to texts messages, calls, and emails. He never makes you wait very long for a response.

Miguel will support you, no matter your cause

He looks at you like you’re the only person in the world when you talk. You’re the center of his universe, even if he has a hard time expressing it. 

No one tries anything with your big, burley, shadow. 

Miguel is big, but he’s light on his feet. Miguel has a tendency of following you, even when you don’t realize it. 

He will often sneak into your home, especially when you’ve been busy. He picks up. Nothing obvious, but he dusts, just generally wipes things down. 

He does it more at night than in the day. The day most animals don’t try anything, but the worst kinds of animals come out at night. 

How they act when angry

Miguel is a silent killer. He takes out anyone he deems a threat quickly and effectively. 

That being said, he doesn’t kill for you as often as some others may. 

He doesn’t need anyone to get suspicious. He tends to just...discourage anyone from messing with you. 

They’ll find that their cars are wrecked, their homes have been vandalized. He sends a lot of signs that they need to back. off. 

If they visit the black market? Nothing stands against the Shishigumi, and Miguel isn’t above using his position to intimidate anyone who stands in your way. 

When someone hits on you? Miguel is usually in the background, and one look from an angry Miguel sends whoever it is running. If they ignore him? They’re gone. It’s a good thing he knows where sharks are. 

Sabu

How they act around you

Sabu is very quiet, but he may talk more around you (which still isn’t much)

Sabu is the kind of guy that you’re probably not sure how you two ended up friends, but you are.

Sabu is relaxed around you, and he allows himself to let his guard down.

Sabu knows his desires and need to be around you isn’t healthy, but he can’t help it. He only feels normal when he’s around you. You’re his soul mate, he knows it. 

Sabu just kind of...knows how you feel, even when you can’t put it into words. He’s always around and willing to be your shoulder to cry on if you get upset. 

He also will do any repairs to your car or vehicle. He’s also there to fix anything that breaks in your home.

He’s better at expressing himself in text messages than actually talking.

The fact you’re okay with who he is, and how quiet he is makes you so special to him. 

He’d do anything to make sure you’re happy and secure. Anything.

How they act when angry

Sabu rarely looses his temper. He’s one of the few yandere who are self aware. So he has a mental checklist that allows him to pull himself back from the edge.

The rare times Sabu can’t control himself is when someone starts coming after you romantically. How can they make you happy? How could they? 

Sabu has done everything he can to make you happy, would they do that for you?

They just go missing without a trace. No one knows where they went, or what happened to them. It’s a big city, after all.

If it’s someone you know well, Sabu will stage a flawless accident. No one will question it, and he’s there to hold you when you get upset. 

Jinma

How they act around you

Jinma is a little bit odd on the best of days. He initially is a little stiff and awkward, but he relaxes quickly around you as soon as you start talking to him

He likes to talk with you, pick your brain, and hear you talk back. He could spend just...hours talking to you.

Jinma is supportive of you, especially if you have nay urge to pursue academics. He’ll study with you and help you figure things out. 

Jinma spends a lot of free time with you, any time he can have. 

He likes to learn about your hobbies, and wants to try them out with you, even if they’re bad. If you have a hyper fixation? He’s going to learn everything about it, and listen to what you have to say. 

Jinma tends to plan his life around your schedule, which he knows by heart. You’ll find you happen to “bump” into him while you shop or do errands. 

How they act when angry

Jinma doesn’t get angry very often. When he does? He doesn’t just kill the person, he destroys their life from the inside out

Jinma can easily navigate the black Market, the ‘normal’ part of society is no different. Black mail, threats of violence...nothing it too low in order to make you happy.

Jinma only really kills when someone moves in on you. It doesn’t matter if it’s a toxic friend, a rude boss/coworker, Rex forbid someone trying to take you away! Jinma makes quick work of them. He doesn’t even have to do it himself, he uses his connections. 

Dope

How they act around you

Dope talks his way into your life. he just reads your body language. he waits until you’re vulnerable, then swoops in with something to make you smile.

Dope is very easy to get along with. His ability to do negotiations in the Black Market means regular people and society are a cakewalk to navigate

It’s so easy for you to talk to Dope, you probably don’t realize you’ve given as much personal information as you have. 

Dope Is very supportive of you, and does whatever he can to help you reach goals and milestones. 

If you’re a student or need help with a work project, Dope will spend hours with you helping you out. He is very patient, understanding, and will keep you from getting upset or frustrated.

Due to the fact he’s so good at reading others, you wont realize that he’s manipulating you and the animals around you to get you alone more. 

He loves to touch your shoulder, hold your hands, keep you close. He’s distracting you enough that you probably wont notice until ten minutes later that your hand is in his. 

Dope will go through your personal things when you’re not around. He memorizes your passwords, looks in your emails, texts, and messenger accounts. He’s just making sure no one is moving in on you, and that you’re safe. 

How they act when angry

. Dope rarely gets angry, and actually avoids violence if he can. He’d much rather use his words to manipulate others in order to get what he wants

It’s also not above him to use his silver tongue to make someone else life miserable

Dope will use his connections to the Shishigumi to intimidate those that he deems a threat. 

While Dope would rather avoid violence, he’s not above it. If someone gets too close to you, he’ll get rid of them. 

Dope is fond of knives. 

Hino

How they act around you

Hino comes into your life like Prince Charming. 

He probably just comes up and introduces himself to you. 

Hino is in a very delicate situation, where he has to use his looks for his job, and he tells you about it in a way that will gain your sympathy (he wont tell you his exact job, and just allows you to assume)

While he knows his looks are appealing and the way to get your attention, it’s actually very important that you know him. So he shares his secrets with you when you’re alone, and you do the same. How could you say no to that face?

Hino is instantly hooked. 

After a few months he tells you about his insomnia, and that his roommates are noisy. He asks if he can stay with you every now and again so he can nap on your couch. Saying yes, Hino quickly becomes a semi-permanent resident of your home. He’s there when you get off, and greets you with his soft purring voice and a gentle smile. 

Due to the fact he stays with you so often, he’s always there when someone else is. He makes himself a fixture in your life you can’t remove. 

How they act when angry

Hino is actually easily jealous. He’s not as volatile as many of the other yandere’s, but he has his moments.

He trusts you, and has confidence in his own looks and abilities, so he doesn’t mind if the odd animal idiot hits on you. He knows you wont go after them, not when you have him.

If someone hurts you though, or if someone hits on you and makes you smile the smile that should be reserved only for him it���s game over

Hino will loose his temper.

While Hino looks lovely, his body isn’t just for show. He’s actually sizeable and fast. The animals who crossed you and put his relationship with you at risk are going to pay with their lives. 

It’s actually one of the few times Hino allows himself to get really messy

[purplesurveys]

1044

survey by a7xbabii 

Do you use e-mail often? I use it for eight hours, five days a week for work, so yes.

Do you hear any animals right now? I’m in a Starbucks inside a mall situated in the middle of a busy highway. It would be very unlikely to hear any animals right now.

Are you in a well-lit room? Sure, I’d say this establishment has good lighting. There’s no light directly above me unlike the other seats, but it’s okay in this case as I don’t want other people seeing me take surveys.

Is your trashcan full? The main one we use at home just got full, so the last time I checked this morning my mom was airing it out.

What was the last crunchy thing you consumed? My chicken barbecue sandwich from last night.

Did you view anything disturbing today? Hmm, I guess so? I wanted to entirely redo one part of my embroidery piece since I wasn’t happy with how I did it, so I had to remove the threads and stuff. When they were all gone the template was filled with holes and it looked like one of those trypophobia photos. I’m not personally disturbed by that phenomenon, but I know a lot of people are.

Are there any holiday decorations in your house? Yeah, we’ve had our Christmas tree up since the beginning of November. We also usually put a wreath up our door but idk why my mom didn’t this year.

When was the last time you had a terrible headache? Last night, because I had not eaten all day. 

Have you recently put lotion on your hands? No. I don’t like the feeling of lotion, so I don’t apply it on me a lot, if at all.

Are you hungry? Not so much, actually. I don’t feel too hungry today; I didn’t even finish my breakfast and that’s the only meal I’ve had so far today, and it’s already 4 PM.

Is it rainy where you're at right now? No, it’s quite fair. The sun’s not too strong anymore because of the time, but it’s still very much bright out.

Do you carry a purse? If so, describe what it looks like. I take a wallet with me. It’s pink, made of fake leather, has three main slots inside, and it also has some tiny bite marks on the outer edges from when Cooper was a lot younger.

Is your cell phone on vibrate? For certain notifications only, like texts and Viber.

Is your dishwasher full? We don’t use a dishwasher.

When is the last time you saw someone you like/love. Around a week and a half ago.

Do you like to wear gloves? No, I find them too itchy and I don’t need to wear them anyway.

Is there a body of water near where you live? There’s a creek that passes through my village near the clubhouse area, if that counts.

What are your thoughts on Avenged Sevenfold? No opinion. I never listened to them; though I am reminded of this one mutual I used to have on Tumblr/Twitter. She used to be a wrestling fan and was a part of our main circle, but she gradually shifted her main fandom to Avenged Sevenfold. By the time she cemented her new interest she then went on a huge unfollowing spree of wrestling fans on her feed and she apparently PM’d each person she intended to unfollow, including me. I remember her explaining that she was now in a different fandom and was gonna have to stop following me which I found...kinda extra to be honest lmao because nobody does that, but I appreciate the effort to approach each one of us, I guess.

Are you wearing anything pink right now? Nope, but my wallet is pink and so is my keyboard cover.

Do you like to swim in the ocean? I prefer beaches, but sure.

What is the creepiest bug you've ever saw? Cockroaches.

Do you currently have split ends? I don’t think so.

When is the last time you used the bathroom? Around five hours ago when I took a shower before heading out.

Do you chew on your lip? Almost never.

Are you afraid of needles? For the most part yeah, especially syringes. I’m not afraid of them when I do my embroidery, but that’s the only time I feel comfortable with a needle.

What is the last thing you lost? A pen, I think.

When is the last time you saw a bald person? Five hours ago, when I said bye to my dad.

What car were you last in? [continued from two days ago] My own. I was driving home from the mall.

Do you like Batman? I tried to get into Batman and the whole shebang of comic books when I was a teenager, but I just couldn’t.

Have you ever played tennis? Never have, actually. I’ve always wanted to try.

Can you see a star shape in the room you are in? Probably not in my bedroom.

What are you sitting on? A pillow I’ve placed on my work chair so that it’s more comfortable. My parents got me a basic chair initially meant just for my internship, so it’s not the comfiest of chairs haha. But now that I have a job, a more suitable work chair is probably one of things I’ll have to invest on.

What is the last warm thing you touched? My chest felt itchy just a few seconds ago, so I was able to feel my skin scratching it.

Do you use hand sanitizer? That’s kind of a necessity now, so...

Where do you want to go in life? [continued from...I don’t even remember anymore] I don’t know if I even plan to make it past 30 at this point. I can’t answer this right now.

Are you sweating? No, I’ve been in air-conditioned rooms all day and it feels so damn good.

When is the last time you had to scratch an itch? A few minutes ago when my neck itched.

Are you in any kind of club or group that is trying to save animals? No, but I very much support the cause.

Who is the last blonde you saw? At work today I saw someone who had her hair dyed blonde.

Where were you two hours after you got up, and what were you doing there? I needed to go to the office today because my team and I needed to pack some stuff to seed to certain media. It was the first time I got to visit the place and it was sooooooo homey and pretty :) I wish we can be allowed to work in the office soon; it would be best for my mental health at this point.

Do you wish for world peace? Um, of course.

Have you ever played fetch with a dog? We were able to teach Cooper how to pick up items that we throw but he’s still slowly learning that he actually has to give it back to us, haha.

What is the nearest object that is wood? The table I am typing on is made of wood.

Do you use Netflix? Yes, we have a family subscription.

Does your house have a fireplace? No, we don’t. And I can confidently tell you all other houses in this entire country, and probably the whole of Southeast Asia, don’t.

Do you wake yourself up in the morning, or does someone else? I wake myself up. On important days, I’ll put an alarm on.

What kind of hoodie did you last wear? It was a white hoodie with a UP seal on the left side.

Do you play games on your computer? No, my laptop isn’t equipped for games. I tried downloading Sims 4 when they made it free for a few weeks back in 2018, but my laptop’s fan started whirring like crazy and the battery got drained super fast. The entire period of me booting it up and then deleting it took like, a literal 15 minutes.

What is the last video game that you played? Mario Kart 8 on the Switch. I want to get myself Switch games as gifts, but I’m just so stingy towards myself hahaha.

Have you ever pet a stingray? I’m 50% would like to at least once and 50% I know of what it did to Steve Irwin, and I’m not messing with them.

If you were on vacation, would you ever go to Ireland? It’s not a big item on my bucket list, honestly. I’d love to go to Ireland, but it would probably be a part of a bigger itinerary, like if I decided to take a trip to that part of Europe.

Are you logged into Myspace right now? I haven’t been on there for more than a decade.

Did you have anything bad happen to you today? Yeah, but they’re stuff that happened at work that are a little hard to explain. 

Have you ever been to New York? Nope. I’d love to take a trip there.

Do you use the term "lol" if you don't have anything to say? Not really. I use it in the end of my messages more so that I don’t sound mean.

Should you be sleeping right now instead of taking this survey? Hell no. It’s a Friday night so the last thing I want to be doing is sleeping.

Can you truly say you hate anyone? I don’t think so. I greatly dislike my brother, but I guess I don’t hate him. I find it too strong a word.

Have you ever disected a baby pig in a class at school? Not a piglet, no. We dissected an earthworm, a fish, and eventually a frog.

What brand of dish liquid do you use? A local brand you wouldn’t recognize.

When is the last time you ate a Hershey Kiss? It’s probably been more than a year. It’s not my favorite candy.

Do you ever feel unappreciated? Yes.

Do you currently have any blemishes on your face? No. My pimple finally went away, hallelujah.

Who is the last baby you held? My cousin who is now 13 years old. I’m too anxious to hold babies; I always feel like I’d drop them so I find myself declining even when I have the chance to hold one.

Are you a lover? I guess.

Do you use smileys often in text convos? Yes. Not a lot of people like them but it’s better to sound friendly and approachable than stoic.

Do you have the Google toolbar on your computer? Like...Chrome? I have the program, yeah. It’s my default browser as well.

Do you like Sunkist? I’ve never had it.

Would you ever consider being a cannibal? I mean...I guess only if I was in a life-and-death situation, like if a plane I was in crashed on an island and I was starting to get hungry. I certainly don’t fantasize about cannibalism on any regular day.

Did you forget something important in the past week? I made a few mistakes at work due to me forgetting things, yeah.

Do you like learning new things? Sure.

What color is your toothpaste? White.

Are the floors in your house creaky? Nopes. I don’t think our doors are creaky-level just yet as well.

Do you fear death? I hate the uncertainty of what happens while it’s taking place, and what happens after. But I’ve been wishing for it for a while as well. There’s a difference.

Is your mouth dry? Not right now, no.

Do yoou have any scars from an animal? Yeah I’ve got a few marks and scratches from Cooper. I never run out of them, really.

Did you have fun with this survey? It was okay.

Was it random enough? Sure.

[miloloveswrestling]

How to gif ~

(a very partial tutorial)

Hey everyone, I’m Milo, fandom contributor since 1887. It had been brought to my attention that some of you might want to learn how to do gifs so I’m here to share the knowledge. Of course it’s only how I do gifs, and it’s not the only way, probably not the simplest way but heh, it’s mine.

First of all: you need to choose the couple of seconds you want as a gif. Seriously, it’s half the work. Think about how your gif will loop, what the first image (and thumbnail) will be and most importantly: work with your platform of choice’s limitations. 1 gif at a time on twitter, 440×220 min, 10 gifs on tumblr, 500px wide, 5Mo, etc.

Material:

Giffing Tool: a powerful tool, free of use but if you have a couple bucks to spare, it’s Pay What You Want.  

Photoshop: The portable CS4 version by Majax31 exists. It’s old but it  does a tremendous job, also, it’s light, ready to use and easy to find.  It’s still not legal though. I happen to use Photoshop CS4.  

Let’s say you want to gif a close-up of some Pro Wrestling Noah boys like any other sane person. Well, excellent choice!

Pause your vid a couple of seconds before the right moment, open Giffing Tool. GT works as a way to record your screen.

New > Hold your click to select the zone

Play your vid, don’t move anything. It looks like nothing is happening but GT is recording. When the scene you want is finished, tap esc and GT will compile your gif, give it a bit of time. The closer you are from the actual size you want, the less time it will take.

In GT’s window, you select the length of your gif a bit better (1), click the size to avoid losing quality in an unwanted resize (2) and save it with the appropriate icon (3, shortcut is S). Step 2 is super important, you need the actual size to be the same as the size your gif will get out. If GT change the size, you will lose quality.

Saving with GT takes time, you can continue to use your computer normally while it does, be patient.

If you bought the full version of Giffing Tool, you can decide to resize your gif here and be done with it! But if you didn’t GT will add a banner you might want to cut with Photoshop or of course you might want to play with colors, size and decide on all the frames you want or don’t want, to the next level with you!

So yeah, now’s the time to edit your gif in photoshop! Hooray! After a lot of trials and error, I found some secrets to make this work. First open Photoshop then it goes like this:

File > Importation (down there) > Video frames to layers

I don’t know about the newer versions of Photoshop but you’ll need to write the name of your gif (with the extension) in the File Name to find it, it will not appear otherwise. Write it when you’re already in the right folder. By the way I remember now that you need Quicktime for this to work but it’s a pretty basic log so I guess this shouldn’t be a problem. Anyway, import it even if it does not appear (as long as you have the name of the file right, it will work): [Mark frame animation] must be checked in the next window and we’re good!

Now comes some work with Photoshop. Before you get started, you’ll need to get the animation window (Window > Animation). You only have to get it once, it stays in your setup for later uses. In that window you can check your gif frame by frame, delete duplicates (fair warning though, deleting too many duplicates will make your gif lighter but also will alter its rhythm, again, trials and errors, test everything!), decide on how fast you want your gif,

Another warning: what you change on the first image of your gif will apply to all the frames. If you wants to change only one, select the one and the layer associated with it. If you wanna change only the first, duplicate it (first icon in 2).

1/ You must use that tool to select the part of the image you’ll need. If you didn’t pay for Giffing Tool, you can use that tool to cut the banner they add. Once your image is selected, use Crop (here Recadrer). With Image Size (here Taille de l’image) you can resize your image depending of your platform’s limitations (on tumblr 500px wide).

2/ The animation window as I already said is super useful, you can delete, duplicate, move around frames.

3/ Don’t get there too fast but this is where you can edit colors and light. Experimentation is key here. Only one thing I can add: remember to select the first frame in the animation window if you want your edit on all frames. BUT put your edit on an empty layer on top of all the other layers in the layer window. If you know nothing about photoshop, a word on layers: here Layer/Calque 1 is hidden, you can make it visible by clicking the empty square next to the preview. If you do that then do the same on Layer 2, layer 2 will hide layer 1. The layer on top is always the one showing first. You can also erase some parts of a layer to show the one under it. Everything is possible in photoshop! Add a frame on the first layer so it shows on all the other layers! Add stickers! Most importantly: try things! fail! learn from it and do it again! If you have questions, I’ll answer them as best I can.

Last thing I’ll add is how to save your gif. You need to use Save for Web... in the file menu. You’ll get a preview, on the upper right corner, change the second setting as GIF.

1/ Check the format

2/ This is where you can check the size of your gif, super important depending on where you want to publish it.

3/ Save... You did it!!!!

It might sound complicated but it really isn’t that much, all the work you’ll do the first time will be useful forever, you’re learning a new skill but thankfully that skill is super easy to remember. And allows all sorts of awesome things! A whole new horizon is opening!

@kazuchikaokada​ 😌 i’m not sure you’re gonna learn much with all that ‘cause your gifs are already so nice?! it depends a lot on vid quality I guess but really you’re probably already doing all that? Maybe if you don’t use photoshop yet it could give you a whole new set of possibilities?! Anyway, sorry if this didn’t help, I hope it’s still useful for someone out there anyway!

[rayroute-clear-saeran-text-sound]

The Making of Ecstasy (Saeran x Reader)

Not sure if this is a little long for tumblr, as I’m not used to writing on this platform! Will this get slept on? probably. This is based off of Casual and Deep stories’ prologue bad end, apologies if it’s ooc. Of course my first piece on here had to be Saeran, who else would it be?

You were the only one in the intelligence room at the moment, and although it was dark, it was nice and peaceful. The usual furious clicking of keys was absent, instead replaced by the dull hum of computers and the light scratching sound of your pen against paper. Luckily, the dark circles under your eyes were hidden in the shadows of the room. The only light available to you was the minute amount cast from the several monitors you were staring at. Not that it mattered, what you were doing had no importance considering the logs existed permanently within files Unknown had stored. In other words, if your work was illegible, it wasn't the end of the world. Unknown would only punish you for it if he was in a bad mood or if he had a killer headache. You were tasked with making hard copies of every single chatlog from the RFA chatroom, a job given to you with no other purpose than keeping you busy, tired, and irritated. 

"MC is so gullible..." You murmured to no one but yourself. Unknown had originally tried to get you to play the role of party coordinator for the RFA, but you weren't having it. You did show up to the apartment, but you had ignored everything he told you and wouldn't step inside. Unknown somehow decided that you would make a good assistant, and you only agreed because he had you at gunpoint at the time. Now you were living at Mint Eye with Unknown, so numb with tiredness that you stopped caring if you lived or died. You weren't considered a believer yet, as you hadn't taken any elixir. You saw how it made Unknown feel, and you wanted no part of it. Sure, you may not have the freedom to roam around Magenta, but at least you had your sanity. If you wanted to go somewhere, you had to have the permission of the savior and be accompanied by Unknown. It wasn't as if you had grown to like Mint Eye and Magenta, it was more that you had gotten used to it, which meant you had become comfortable with it on some level. Your eyelids began to flutter shut as you closed the last chatlog, job done until another one opened at one point or another. Just as your head began to drift slowly into a light cat nap, you felt fingers dig into your shoulders tightly and suddenly, causing you to jolt up and scatter your papers everywhere. You whipped around to come face to face with a pair of mint green eyes that held mischief.

"Did you miss me, princess?" You huffed as you bent down to pick up the papers on the ground, holding back the urge to strangle him in order to make that laughter stop right in his throat. 

"These papers all are out of order now, I hope you're happy, Unknown." He shrugged, obsidian eye tattoo catching your attention as always. 

"I don't care." He took the stack of logs from your hands and threw them haphazardly into the filing cabinet that he put all of your work in. In actuality, there was nothing really of value, just a lot of Zen bragging about how handsome he is. You had grown to hate the RFA as well, probably because of how much time you had spent around Unknown. Naturally, he had rubbed off on you. He was the only one you were allowed to see after all. Your eyes analyzed his face cautiously, as there was a vague, worrying excitement in his features that you had yet to place.

"What's up? Are we going somewhere again...?" You couldn't help but become equally hopeful at the prospect, you didn't get to leave Magenta very often.

"No. Savior gave me a special assignment, and I need your help." You raised an eyebrow suspiciously. Her special assignments usually meant cleansings, and you hated those. You mainly helped to restrain the unlucky souls who were the subject of the ceremony, and whenever Unknown was the one doing the cleansing, it was a bloodbath. Everyone at Mint Eye knew him to be ruthless, and you supposed it worked to keep everyone in line. It still didn't change how scarring they were to be a part of, and how much they scared you. You found yourself wondering if he would ever do those things to you, but you figured not. The most he had ever done to you since becoming his assistant was yell at you or smack you, and usually not very hard. That was all when you first started, and since you had been with him for a while, he had become softer with you. Unknown smirked at you, sending a slight shiver up your spine. You didn’t get much time to wonder how how he always had that effect on you. "Relax, it's not a cleansing. We're making a batch of elixir." You asked yourself why he needed your help, as he was perfectly capable of completing the task himself; he did it all the time. You thought it was a bit suspicious, but figured that he was asking for your company in the most indirect way possible.

“Fine. I’m your assistant, I have no choice in the matter, right, Saeran?” His eyebrows quirked up at the use of his real name, bringing you to cast your eyes towards the floor. “I mean, Unknown.” He shrugged, black jacket slipping farther down his shoulder while he cracked a grin.

“Whatever. Let’s just go get this done.” He seemed rather upbeat, which was odd to you. “You know the drill.” You nodded curtly as he placed his hands over your eyes, his gentleness surprising you. The not knowing aspect of everything killed you every time you walked out of the intelligence room, but you had grown used to the disorienting feeling of the unknown. You used to take short and nervous steps whenever you couldn’t see, but now you would take long and sure strides, knowing full well that anyone would move out of your way and that Unknown wouldn’t let you get in harm’s way; you were his assistant after all, so if you got hurt, it should be on his own accord. That was his fallacy anyway. As far as you knew, Magenta was big, but it seemed to take ages to get to the lab. “Stop.” Unknown’s voice was strong and commanding, and you of course listened without question. He finally uncovered your eyes, and you had to blink several times in order for your eyes to adjust to the harsh contrast in lighting. He was digging out his ID that doubled as a key card for the more secure and private rooms of the Mint Eye while you were still stuck on why he wanted you there.

“Unknown, are you sure I can be here?” The large and bland metal door made you nervous, and you had no idea what was behind it. You knew deep down that the savior had no idea you were attending the crucial task, and you were vaguely able to grasp that Unknown didn’t want her to know. 

“Tch. Of course.” His eyes screwed shut as he faced away from you, turning his attention on the door. “And don’t call me that!” Your eyes narrowed in question, as you were absolutely sure you had called him Unknown. “Call me Saeran...at least for the day.” 

“Um...okay.” Another red flag went up immediately within your brain. He was contradicting himself, something that had you wondering if you should run back and get his medication. When he began to heavily oppose himself it usually meant he was going to have an...episode. In actuality, you weren’t sure how to describe them. It was almost as if his persona was splitting apart. That, or he would have one hell of a headache. He swiped his card and the light on the handle blinked green three times, granting the two of you access. He swung the door open, holding it open for you with a smug grin.

“After you, princess.” You entered wordlessly, concern for him still in the back of your mind. You never liked seeing him in immense pain. You weren’t stupid, you could tell when someone was innocently being exploited. Not only did you want to get yourself out of Mint Eye, you wanted to get Saeran out as well. But, that was an issue to solve another day...perhaps in another life. Your breath caught in your throat at the sight of everything. You had made plenty of cult jokes during your time at Mint Eye, but somehow the image of a large, witch-like cauldron was no longer funny now that it was presenting itself right in front of you. There were countless cabinets, the contents a mystery. Saeran closed the door behind him, leaving you alone with him in a room that smelled intensely of hallucinogens. In college, you had tried them once and vowed never again. However, you were more than familiar with them because of your roommate. “You’re going to want to grab the jars with the blue and green stickers, and the bottle with the pink sticker.”

“Yeah, sure.” Saeran dragged a large bowl out from somewhere, along with tools to blend and mix. It seemed the two of you were only making a small batch, which brought you circling back to the subject of why he needed your help. You hopped up onto the counter to grab the required items, and by seeing them through the jars, you could identify them well. “You use peyote and mushrooms in this?” You felt your stomach sickeningly sink, and were definitely glad you had refused any elixir given to you. 

“Huh? I guess.” His reply seemed to give off the impression that he had no clue about any of the ingredients in the elixir, he only knew how to make it. 

“Do you...know what those are?” You asked tentatively as he continued to prepare your work station. He shrugged. You took a sniff of the bottle, and the pungent alcohol smell made the liquid in question easily identifiable. “ And methanol?!” It was not at all surprising that he was always wrecked after taking the stuff. It was a wonder how he wasn’t dead from how much he was taking on a regular basis. “Saeran…” 

“It’s fine! It’s the elixir of salvation, it’s necessary...”

“Salvation isn’t supposed to be pain, Saeran.” If he heard you, he was ignoring you. You wanted no part in the actual making of the elixir, you only watched as he skillfully mixed the drugs and chemicals together with other hazardous ingredients until it came out as a toxic chemical punch with an unnaturally vibrant blue hue. Once he was done, he turned to you with a teasing glint in his mint green eyes. “Uh oh...” You murmured to yourself, despite feeling your lips curve into a slight smile.

“Why don’t you be the taste tester?” He held one of the bottles that he had funneled the batch of elixir into out to you. It did look a bit mesmerizing, the way the light reflected off of the heart shaped glass, the liquid inside looking as if someone had bottled neon signage.

“No.” You shook your head, pushing his arm away.

“Oh come on, I need to know if it’s good!” You knew he was joking by the way his words were broke by giggles. You were glad that he felt comfortable enough alone with you to relax a bit and let loose without being violent. 

“No, and that’s final!” Your own giggles tumbled out past your lips.

“Okay, fine. It’s probably for the better. Once you have the elixir, you can roam wherever, and then you won’t be mine anymore.” Your eyebrows furrowed in both concern and confusion, as he had immediately snapped back into a deadly seriousness. He stayed as silent as a grave as his eyes raked over your frame, finding they’re purchase on your face. A bad feeling began to settle in the pit of your stomach. You knew he had been acting strange, and at first he seemed to settle, but now there was an unsure look in his eyes that didn’t necessarily scare you, but it did worry you a bit. 

“Are you...” You trailed off as Saeran took a step toward you. You responded by stepping back, but for every movement back, he advanced forward. You weren’t afraid that he would hurt you, not at that moment. However, it didn’t stop you from being intimidated. Your breath caught in your throat when you felt your back bump into a counter, and at that moment you were trapped between Saeran and the counter. There seemed to be a storm brewing in his eyes, and you had a feeling the downpour was about to begin. “Saeran, what are you doing?” Such a simple question seemed to be a tablespoon of baking soda added to the vinegar that was Saeran’s emotional well, as he exploded. 

“You...you won’t leave me, right?!” Despite being taken aback by his sudden prompt, you were going to respond. However, he didn’t allow you the chance. “You can’t!” His voice cracked as tears pricked his eyes. “You and my savior, you’re the only ones I trust.” He dipped his head, bleached locks falling into his eyes while he put all his weight on his palms, which rested on the counter on either side of you. He began to throw himself into a dizzying spiral of repeated doubts, begging you not to leave him. You were caught like a deer in the headlights, heart hurting from hearing his broken words. Even though you wanted to leave the Mint Eye desperately, you couldn’t. You wouldn’t. Not without him. He’s told you all of his stories of betrayal, and you wouldn’t do that to him too. Even though you would both annoy each other, you cared about him and his well being when it really came down to it. 

Is he having an episode...? You thought to yourself as he continued his breakdown, his body shaking. You would always fetch his meds without question whenever he had a headache, usually before he ever snapped at you that his head was pounding and that he needed them. You felt so close to him, because you honestly were, you had been close to him after becoming his assistant, you were by his side at almost all times. So naturally, you would just know something was happening before it blew up into a huge problem. What you just couldn’t grasp was why he was so suddenly begging for you not to leave him. 

“You can’t leave me, okay?!” He was all but sobbing, wiping the tears that were threatening to spill with his shoulder. 

“What? Saeran, if you need your meds, I can run and get them if it’s your head that’s the problem-”

“Agh, no! You’re the problem!” He snapped at you, cutting you off. Admittedly, you felt a little hurt by his words, which was the first time since becoming his assistant that his sharp tongue had truly stung you. He saw your expression shift, and you thought you saw a flash of panic in his eyes. “It’s-” He huffed, shutting his eyes tightly and then looking at you once more. “You make me feel so damn complicated!” You bit your lip as the counter continued to dig harshly into your back. You could feel Saeran’s body pressed flush up against your own, as well as a fierce heat that rose to your face. 

“Saeran, I...” In truth, you weren’t sure how to respond. He made you feel equally as complicated. Did you love him? You thought so. Deep down, behind all of the trauma, you knew there was a good person. You wanted to confidently tell him that it would be okay, that everything he was feeling was natural, and that he deserved all of it. Hell, even spill your own feelings. However, all that managed to slip past your lips were incomprehensible and incomplete stutters. You didn’t have to stumble over your words for long, though. Saeran roughly slammed his lips onto yours, in an attempt to get across all that he didn’t know how to say. You were thankful, as your words were failing you as well. You moved your lips in time with his, hoping he would get the message. He seemed to regain his confidence as you two parted.

“You’re mine, and only mine.” He growled huskily in your ear. You knew that getting him out and away from Mint Eye would be a challenge, but you hoped that maybe this would be a step in the right direction. 

“Yes.” You spoke that single hushed word, and that was all Saeran needed. He pressed his lips against yours once more, with as much unbridled energy as before. He smirked against your lips, slipping his hands underneath your shirt, running his hands up your sides. You shivered as his fingers danced along your skin, still continuing to kiss him back. Just as he swiped his tongue gingerly against your bottom lip, the door to the lab was opened and the sound of someone awkwardly clearing their throat bounced off the floors. Saeran immediately distanced himself from you, face flushed as red as his tank top. You cast your gaze to the floor, unwilling to look at the believer who had interrupted the rather intimate moment.

“Unknown, the savior is looking for you.” The believer’s eyes darted around the room, never once catching Saeran’s. The believer was equally embarrassed of the scene he had just walked in on, judging by his blush that rivaled Saeran’s.

“Yeah, sure. If you tell anyone about this, I’ll make sure I’m the one doing your next cleansing.” The believer nodded quickly and briskly left the room, leaving you two alone once more. The mood had been killed, but it was probably for the best. It sounded as if he was needed elsewhere, anyways. “C’mon, let’s go. I’ll walk you to the intelligence room.” He once again placed his hands over your eyes when you were out in the hallway, leaning in close to your ear. “We’ll pick up where we left off later.~” He chuckled lowly, continuing to guide you through the many corridors of Magenta.

[clockworkmoose]

Oof, I thought “well at least being in lockdown means I have an excuse to log back in to discord and chat to friends again and draw and work on my fantrolls tumblr!” after being utterly DRAINED by chaos employee for so long,,,

but combo of trying to reschedule and re-plan a wedding that was canceled, get my plushie making shop into a workable place, cleaning up and organizing my craft room, and then on top of that I need to get my eyes looked at and probably glasses because looking at computer/phone screens has started giving me a headache has meant that i have NOT talked to any internet friends and have NOT drawn a single orange horn this year.

ù_ú

Oh the plus side! I feel much more human again and have not heard from Chaos employee since February!

On the negative side, the manager who replaced me at my job ended up quitting because when the county allowed retail stores to open and she was told to go back, she decided it wasn’t a good time. Which I can’t blame her for, I’m not going out yet because the James is immunocompromised and has enough asthma/breathing issues that I’m not willing to risk him getting covid.

But also, I stuck around an extra 3 weeks longer than I wanted to in order to train her so that the store wouldn’t be in a bad situation of not having a single full-time employee........AND NOW THEY ARE IN THAT SITUATION ANYWAYS.

I’m having a very slight crisis of wanting to go back and fix the mess because I worked so hard to build up that store and customer base with very little support from corporate and seeing it fail makes me hurt... but also I’m not in any way shape or form putting the James’s health at risk for a retail store where corporate didn’t care about me!

Like, they made that very VERY clear. When I told them Chaos employee was changing her availability every week only a day in advance, was arriving late to shifts, lying to customers, promising impossible things to customers, talking shit about me to customers and other store managers.......... they said “well it’s too bad she’s such a good salesperson and you can’t fire her!”

Except, she WASN’T! She was on par with my other employees, and only because we kept throwing sales her way that she technically shouldn’t have earned. The difference is, every single sale she made, she crowed about it to the area manager, and made it out like she was the best. The rest of us just did our jobs quietly!

It was only after I put in my 2 weeks notice and Chaos started bombarding HR with threats of an ADA lawsuit and suicide if they fired her that they asked my area manager if she thought I would change my mind and stick around if they got rid of chaos lady.

Because she was a problem for THEM and not ME now.

So that’s also making it easier for me to not care about the store’s current predicament.

...

This thought got wildly off track.

It was supposed to be me debating over getting a glasses test done and pushing myself back into being social despite covid, or waiting until covid is gone because that’s the responsible thing to do if glasses aren’t actually essential.

[alexseanchai]

Saw your posts about unofficial and official work rules, and also people never explaining what the rules were, so, well, here is my take on some of the internet usage rules as I've seen them? I don't have a tumblr, so dropping this in your anon is the only way I know to get it to you. I'm not sure if this might be useful, or if it's a completely useless (hopefully not offensive or rude?) mishmash of gibberish, but frankly, 1/15

Not rude! (Though for future reference, I have a Dreamwidth under the same handle, linked in my Tumblr bio, and you can fit a lot more text in a logged-out Dreamwidth comment than an anon Tumblr ask.)

So some of what you’re describing in this series of asks (and I’m gonna paste all those in below) involves context not applicable to the job I mentioned. Case in point, no customer was ever going to see me using the internet on the clock, because with rare exceptions no customer was ever going to see me, and zero of those exceptions would involve the customer laying eyes on either my work computer or my personal phone.

Also I kind of figured that if I worked fast enough and made few enough mistakes, nobody would want to get me in trouble. FREE ADVICE, KIDS: do not attempt to do two typical-coworkers’ worth of work when you know damn well it will not earn you two employees’ worth of paycheck. Also, the day you walk out of that office for the last time is the day your boss stops caring altogether about any health conditions your work caused or worsened. (This job was largely data entry. I did in fact consistently do one and a half to two times as much work as most of my coworkers. I was there for seven years. My hands are kinda fucked now.)

And part of the reason I posted was, this is a specific and pretty non-identifying example of an ableist pattern I wanted to illustrate and then yell about. So while I am really pleased you laid all this out, I am also pretty surprised!

Anyway, this sounds like useful stuff to keep in mind. Thank you 😸

The rest of the ask series follows the read-more:

.

my ADHD brain would have caused me to go nuts if I hadn’t figured out the rules at my workplaces, because I can’t handle lack of stimulation. That said, I’m ADHD, so take my understanding with a grain of salt, but I’m trying here. In regards to the “official” rules vs the “real” rules of personal internet usage at work, I’ve found there are three broad umbrella rules. 2/15

1. It actually matches, and there is no personal internet usage at work. This is the least common, but is the one you should assume is being used until you catch someone following one of the other versions. This is the one people will claim is in effect though, especially when you are new to the job and trying to figure out the real rules, which can be very frustrating. 3/15

2. Don’t get caught using the internet for personal reasons at work. This is more common.If you catch coworkers using the internet, pretend not to notice. See how many coworkers use the internet for personal things. If it widespread, it may be this rule. If it is just one or two coworkers, or just the boss’s favorites or the people who have been there longest, or the highest ranking ones, it may be that you have to “earn” moving from umbrella rule type 1 to type 2 somehow, 4/15

which can be very, very confusing. Subtly watch coworkers to see which variant of the don’t get caught rule this workplace follows. Common variants are Don’t get caught by anyone, Don’t get caught by the boss, Don’t make the boss OFFICIALLY catch you, Don’t let the customers catch you, and Don’t let boss OR customers catch you. 5/15

(sorry, asks made me wait for flooding, rest is coming!) 3. Give the boss plausible deniability/don’t make them catch you, UNLESS they initiate the personal internet usage. If THEY instigate it, or catch someone and choose to engage in the activity with you, it is sort of mentally classified as sanctioned team building or morale boosting, just as long as you don’t mention it to outsiders or people above boss. In a relaxed enough workplace, this last option may well look like 6/15

“as long as you get your actual work done, and no outsiders are present, go ahead and use the internet for personal stuff, just make sure to parrot the official rule if asked.” In all cases, it is expected that when asked, you parrot the Official Rule, as being caught sharing the real rule can get the boss in trouble and lead to them having to enforce the official rule. 7/15

Very few workplaces actually have the official rule as the real rule, but it is expected you will pretend it is the real rule. If you have to clue someone in to the real rule vs official rule, you must never leave any evidence such as writing, texts, or emails, the real rule can only be shared verbally and away from anyone who might overhear, and should only be shared if you trust the person you are telling not to tell the boss. 8/15

As an example, my previous boss had Official Rule no personal internet usage, but the real rule was “Have a plausible sounding excuse for any personal internet usage so the boss doesn’t officially have to notice your personal internet usage and has a reason to assume any glimpses of personal use are actually somehow related to work. Do not allow any customers to catch you using personal internet. Do not leave record of personal internet usage, as boss could be forced to notice this. 9/15

During last hour of work, IF all other tasks for the day are completed and no new tasks are short enough to be started, you may check personal emails and look up dinner recipes semi-openly, so long as customers are not ever left waiting and periodical ‘we are closing soon’ tasks are carried out on time. Additionally, if you have just completed a mentally demanding major task and no customers need help, it is permissible to spend 5-15 minutes on personal internet usage, 10/15

so long as customers don’t notice. This personal internet usage is meant to clear the mind of the stress of the last task, and should be followed by starting another mentally taxing task, especially if you are caught by boss. The correct response if caught during this personal internet break is 'I just finished X task, just watching the desk for a bit and resetting my brain before I start on Y task, unless you wanted me to do something else next.’” 11/15

Fairly complex rule, honestly. Among ourselves, we shortened it to “Keep personal usage to the private browser, close it if you leave the desk, don’t do it in front of the boss unless you have a plausible excuse, never EVER let a customer catch you, one of them is a snitch and tells boss’s boss on us, and he feels bad whenever he is forced to tell us off for getting caught even though he personally doesn’t care.” He was an option 3 variety, 12/15

as he sometimes would share not-work internet stuff during slow times, or ask about co-worker’s dinner recipe searches at the end of the day, or very rarely mention if we needed to check our personal email for some reason, to use the private browser. If he hadn’t occasionally given the go ahead for personal usage in his presence, it would have been an option 2 of the “don’t make the boss official notice or let the customers catch you” rule situation. 13/15

Wow, rereading that is kind of daunting, to be honest. I hadn’t really realized how nuanced some of that was, and I know I’m probably leaving some stuff out. Boss recently changed, so I’ve been having to slowly test the waters with new boss, otherwise I probably wouldn’t have been able to articulate even this much. 14/15

I thought the comments about people not being willing to share the real rules sounded frustrated, and like trying to explain might not be taboo, so I tried to explain what I could, but if this isn’t welcome, I’m sorry for offending. Good luck trying to navigate this nonsense of unspoken rules. 15/15

[emmastudies]

I’m really frustrated these days because my exams are coming up and I can’t focus , do u have any ideas how can I cope up with that ? I love your printables by the way🙂

Hi! For focusing, try these:

make a commitment to yourself - write down the period of time you want to stay focused for, it could be 20, 30 or 40 minutes. By externalising your goal, you’ll be more likely to want to complete it. If you manage, reward yourself! If you fail, you’ll have let down yourself and probably feel bad about it. Whilst feeling bad about it isn’t awesome, it’s a good way to motivate yourself to try again next time.

use applications - I’ve found that having my phone functioning whilst studying is best. If it’s just sitting there or out the way, I’ll be thinking about it. I’m one of those people that likes to have their phone in view constantly so allowing it to be doing something productive helps me. currently use an app called Forest. It gamifies and rewards my time with a little tree. If I use my phone, it will die! It really helps me to stay focused. I’ll see that I’ve got 5 minutes left of that study period and I’ll think “okay, it’s just another 5 minutes..keep going!”. You can also add other people so it is quite motivating to see them working (add me at emmastudiesblog@gmail.com!)

alternative applications - for your computer, there are apps that block websites. Forest as a Chrome and Mac extension but apps like RescueTime, StayFocusd can stop you going on Tumblr. I have a post on productivity apps here including paid and free for iOS, Android and Mac. You can also check out these Google chrome extensions for productivity!

time-lapse myself - if I don’t use Forest, I will sometimes timelapse myself. I find it so cool to be able to watch it back and see everything I’ve written or typed in a quick video. I love sharing them on my blogs too so it’s great! I don’t want to stop recording so I’ll just stay off my phone! It is also great because I stay focused. I don’t want to be seen using Tumblr for 10 minutes, so I’ll tend to stay off it and save that for my breaks.

customise your laptop - another thing I’ve found works best is having two accounts on my laptop. One is for university work and the other for blogging. I don’t have any social media logged in on my uni account so I can’t just check a site for a minute because I’m bored. Honestly, probably one of the smarter things I’ve done without intending too haha! I think most computers have the option to create a second account, so have a look into that!

recognise your fidgeting - like most people, I get distracted by stupid things like my pens! When they’re on my desk, I sometimes just end up looking at them or fiddling with them. If I catch myself doing that I will put it out of my reach so I’m not tempted again.

write things down - Another thing I’ve been trying is externalising my thoughts. If I get distracted by something or have a “gosh, I need to remember that” moment, I will write it down. By getting it out my brain and onto a bit of paper, I no longer have to think about it and can continue.

A few other links:

how to study for exams

how to organise for exams

effective study + memory tips

last minute studying

Hopefully the printables can help you stick to a schedule :-)

[mrnibblesleviathan]

Entry 5.2: Philippa Torgal

AUTHOR NOTE: We’re not putting links on these anymore because of tumblr being rude, our blog has hyperlinks on the sidebar and the fic tag listed. Sorry about that.

“I’m going outside.” Bart could barely hear his father pleading for him to come back inside, but he was already swimming to his seamoth, parked out of sight of the crabsquids. He had just jumped into the driver's seat and began piloting it upwards when he heard it. A deafening roar, some of the rocks from the pillars and the cave ceiling above shook and fell. 

He turned the little ship around as fast as he could, only to see the habitat torn open, Maida, spear in hand, in the grasp of a dragon as it descended beyond where his ship could go. He tried to scream but he couldn’t hear anything. He drove closer, looking for a trace of his father, something, somewhere. No sign of him, he got out of the seamoth and entered the remains of the base.

He saw someone else. Long black hair, warm, welcoming eyes. Then he finally heard himself scream.

Ryley woke up in the middle of the night with a blood curdling scream coming from Bart’s room. Rushing down the hallways and a ladder, they found him, tangled in sheets on the floor. Hesitantly, they knelt down next to him and pulled him into their arms. As they held him tightly, the shouts died down, slowly. Ryley rocked slowly, not really knowing what else to do until Bart woke up.

After the moment’s confusion, Bart finally opened his eyes, and then his mouth. “Do you happen to know how I landed on the floor?” Ryley snickered and gave back a shrug. They pulled out their PDA, and smiled at the pointed look Bart gave them.

“What? It’s really hard to sign at this angle!” Ryley ignored their friend’s disapproving frown and continued. “You didn’t happen to have another of those friendly visions, did you?” They asked. The man was still quiet, with a scared look in his eyes. “Was it a bad dream?”

When they didn’t get much of a response, they continued, “it might help to talk about it.”

“Ryley… how is my mother these days?” Bart broke out, in a tone so low it could pass as a whisper. “How was she when you left? How was she after I left?”

The question took Ryley so off guard that they almost dropped Bart. Fortunately, the guy got up on his own when he noticed their wrists tightening in a grasp for something that wasn’t quite there. It had been years since… they didn’t even consider Bart was unaware of everything that had happened in his homeworld since he left. How would they tell him that? They didn’t even have time to think about it, to prepare for that kind of conversation.

“Ryley… my gods, what happened?” Bart’s voice rose an octave, indicating panic. Ryley shook their head and grit their teeth. They decided they had to be strong for their friend. There was no easy way to tell that.

“I’m afraid I don’t have a happily ever after story for you, my friend.” They typed. “Will you make an exception for the PDA this time? I’ll have to go from the beginning, and I don’t wanna mess this up.”

“Mess what up? I, I… I don’t understand, what’s gotten you so... Please, just. So long as you talk.”

“Do you remember that shortly after you left Earth, I fought with my parents? There was a falling out between us. They kicked me out, we weren’t on speaking terms anymore…”

“I remember, that’s when my mom stepped up.” Bart said. “She took you in and threatened to sue them if they tried anything. We talked through the deep-space comms until you fell asleep, and I felt bad I wasn’t there for you.”

Ryley smiled fondly at the memory. “Your mother was. You know how she is. And well, now you know how after that I became part of the family. You and your father were gone, and we were both so lonely. We became each other’s new family.”

“So at least you had each other. Thank you, Ryley, I… it worried me so much how alone my mother was, out there.”

But Ryley held out his hand. They weren’t finished yet.

“Do you remember that Bentley guy? Dusty old fart, friend of your dad’s. He had a weird Rich People name, that guy. Wentworth, or something like that. Well, Wentworth Bentley....” What was next read by the PDA got muffled by Bart’s laughter. Ryley rewinded a bit. “Shortly after you were… declared dead, she agreed to ‘loan’ the company to Bentley, as she didn’t feel, well, stable enough to run a galactic trade company. But it had the legal contract that if you somehow made it back, you would be the owner. He signed without paying much mind to it. Probably believed it to be impossible anyways, and that Philippa Torgal was just an old lady holding onto false hopes.”

“I always did think he was a dick. Using a helpless widowed lady like that.” Bart grumbled, earning a compassionate nod from Ryley.

“I’m sorry, Bart. Everything went downhill from there. I took odd jobs, programming and the like, for a while to help her out. That asshole Bentley didn't give her much of a compensation, considering all of the expenses she had to handle in the wake of everything. So I eventually joined with the TransGov Military. Didn’t like it all that much, but at least they put me with the drones and computers instead. That made Phillipa worry a lot less.”

Bart choked a bit. “Hold on, you, you, of all people , joined the bloody military?”

“This is a lot of stuff to type, please hold your comments until the end” Ryley paused the log, glancing at their friend, who did actually have the decency to look a bit ashamed. “Anyways. I came back to visit every now and again. But then when I finally quit, saved up enough money to pay off everything, I came back to an empty house. Found out from the neighbor that she was in the hospital. Ran the whole way there. She had something lethal called Byrn Verril’s Disease, I think you must know it, Mr. ‘I beamed an entire biomedical database into my head’. She was in late stages of it too. She didn’t want to worry me I guess, that’s why she never said anything. But she died that day. My only family left... I had her hand in mine, she wasn’t alone. I don’t know if that helps, but I did what I could.”

By the time the log was finished, Ryley was silent, crying into their hands, not looking up. The memories were too heavy, even when read by the stupid-sounding monotone of the computer AI. They wondered, vaguely, if they should try to recreate a more human voice for it.

“Ryley…” Bart was torn.  “Thank you for taking care of her.”

“I wanted to do more. I never should have taken the military job, I should have stayed with her.”

“You didn’t know. Ry, you did so much more than I could, please don’t beat yourself up. You’re always doing that, do you even know how much you meant to us? To her?”

“I’m sorry.” Ryley typed out. “Bart, I know it can’t be easy to get news like that. If you need me here I’ll stay. If you need to talk about something else to ease your mind, maybe I can help with that bad dream you were having?”

“Thank you pal, but, you should go to sleep. You look exhausted, and I don’t wanna keep you up anymore.”

“Fair point. Well, you always look exhausted.”

“That’s true. But nope. To bed with you. I--I’d like to think about this for a while first. Some time alone.”

Ryley got up slowly, waving their head.

It was past morning time when Ryley woke up again, several hours later than when they usually did. Damn, Bart was right, they must’ve been really tired.

Now they were worried about the guy. How had he been after their sorrowful talk during the night? Ryley walked out the room to find Bart in the workstation room. They knocked on the wall to call attention to themself.

“You made this?” They signed, walking up to the window wall. It now had a desk in front of it, complete with a chair and a drawer full of parts and materials. Bart had already decorated it with a few hologram projectors, and was now off to working on some maps.

“Oh, you see, I had the sinking feeling I’d probably cause a disaster if I kept doing science in the kitchen.” He said, smiling but not looking up from what he was doing. “And we have to study, Ryley. We have to explore. I didn’t know it before, but I know it now. That creature has some relation to the benign enzyme the peepers carry, the one I’ve been medicating myself with. I’m sure of it, and I think that maybe if we find her, we’ll find the cure as well! Look over here, I know just where to start...” He was then interrupted by a violent coughing fit. “Oh... fuck. Look away”. He managed to spew before reaching for a small trash can under the table and vomiting on it.

“Gods you work too loud.” Ryley said, exasperatedly. “Much. Work too much.” They corrected their sign. “Don’t wanna slow down? After our talk?”

“Ryley, I finally have a reason to keep going, please, you have to let me work.” He begged. “Please, you’re the only one I have left. I’ve got no one else on Earth, all my family and closest friends died in the crash, there’s no one else on here besides you. I’m doing it for you too, do you understand that? You’re infected too, I have to find a way to help you. You’re… I’ve got no one else...”

Ryley sensed a panic attack growing. The little color the man had gotten back was vanishing from his face. They stroked his back, slowly, trying to calm him down.

Still, Bart just breathed in and continued talking. “I’m gonna need your help for this, of course. We need to go back to my… old house, if you can call it that. We have to study that vent, and then we have to find the others, that’s where the peepers are coming from. It’s what will lead us to the alien’s location, eventually. So now we…”

Ryley interrupted him by slapping their hand on the table, and shot Bart a serious look. They didn’t have all the words, but that expression said everything. Bart sighed.

“You. You, you have to go.” He said. “Yeah, of course, after all that’s why I need your help. You’re the one allowed to go to places. I can stay behind and help you from the radio.”

“You have to give yourself time” Ryley said. “And you not ready. I want you safe. Out there not safe.” Ryley tilted their head at his friend. “You don’t need to stop? I’ll get some fresh food?”

“I guess.” Bart stood up, leaning on the desk a bit. “I worked the whole morning, it’s starting to take it’s toll.” He admitted. “Sorry for snapping. I just. I don’t like being cooped up.”

“It’s not forever. Just rest now.” Ryley signed. Bart nodded and made his way back to his bed, as Ryley grabbed their helmet and went for the hatch to catch some fresh fish.

[katieskarlette]

I came home from a full day of work to find water in the basement that required a couple hours of moving boxes, setting up fans and dehumidifiers, trying to dry out some books and magazines that got damp, and all that fun stuff.  

Not the first time we’ve had water in the basement, so we’ve learned to put most things up on chairs or bricks to keep the damage to a minimum.  A couple boxes of my books and magazines are probably wrecked, though.  Nothing too heartbreaking to lose, but it still sucks.

So my brain is not working too well right now, and my activity on this site shows it.

I re-read the guidelines for something, submitted it, and realized I hadn’t actually followed the guidelines that I just read 30 seconds before.  Oops.  I also assumed a pun that didn’t really make sense if you thought about it for more than five seconds was more likely than a dumb photoshop hoax.  And I jumped to conclusions about another post without considering the context.

So I’m done with Tumblr for the night. 

Also, you know how I always talk about trying to keep my blog a positive, lighthearted place?  That’s still true, but if you’re here for that...don’t read further, because I need to vent about RL stuff and it’s not cheerful.  Feel free to ignore the following wall o’ text.

I’ve had a flareup of depression for the last few days.  My dad’s stroke rehab has been slow and frustrating and I worry about his health.  He both wants to retire and doesn’t, and both should retire (for health reasons) and can’t (for financial reasons).  Meanwhile my mom’s chronic pain is especially bad right now, partly because she can’t get enough pain pills from the doctors because OMG people abuse those drugs so let’s make it impossible for people with legitimately debilitating pain to function.  One of my favorite co-workers is facing a possible resurgence of her husband’s cancer.  I’m going to have to put down one of my goldfish, my small Oranda, Frankie, because he’s been upside down for days and definitely not getting better.  My aunt is borderline suicidal because my cousin is a useless, abusive, drug-addicted leech.  There’s been a lot of tension and bullshit at my job about a variety of topics, including an impending draconian crackdown on what websites we’re allowed to visit on work computers.  One of my best RL friends is moving an hour away (although he’ll still be working in town, just commuting.)   I haven’t had the time or energy to play WoW much in the last week and I already feel like I’m so far behind on rep and story in BFA that I get anxious about even logging on and end up watching crap on YouTube instead.  Oh, and our president is still a gigantic asshole who’s speeding toward the edge of a cliff with our country in the back seat and the doors child-locked.

I think that about covers it!

I’m okay, honestly. Just having a rough few days.  I have tomorrow off, so hopefully I can decompress a little.

[purplesurveys]

1055

surveys by lets-make-surveys

1 - Surveys aside, do you use Tumblr for any other reason? Not anymore. I used to have a main blog, but it’s been years since I opened it; this is it (excuse the bad word in the URL lol, I thought it made me look like an edgy teen) but as I got older I used it less and less frequently until I no longer remember the password to log back in. These days I stay on Tumblr precisely because no one really uses it anymore, so it’s the perfect spot to hide this blog in.

2 - Do you have a lot of social media accounts? Do you update them all regularly? Depends on what you mean by a lot; I have all the basic ones - Twitter, IG, Facebook, YouTube, hell I still even have my Snapchat alive lol but I haven’t used it in like three years. I use YouTube the most but I don’t update it per se, like I just use it to watch videos. Facebook I’ve used a lot less often since the breakup, but I’ve shared a handful of posts since September. I’m probably on Twitter the most, but even then my usage hasn’t been the same.

3 - Does it bother you when your socks don’t match? What about your underwear? I don’t care for either situation, especially for underwear. Why would I care about something no one is ever going to see and even think about?

4 - How many times a year do you go on vacation? Do you tend to go to the same places each time? My family plans at least two trips, at least in non-Covid circumstances. We will sometimes repeat provinces but we never repeat hotels or sites, and we seldom repeat cities. The only places I remember visiting more than once are Baguio, Tagaytay, Albay, Subic, and Baler.

5 - How many times did it take you to pass your driving test? Just one. I could not afford to fuck it up; I was at the LTO for 8 hours and was not willing to go through that shitty long wait, so I absolutely had to pass that exam and do my best with the shitty car I had to work with.

6 - When you’re in trouble, do your parents ever “middle name” you? Nah they never used my whole name. My mom’s trademark is to add an -ah sound to my name when I’ve done something wrong though, as in Robina lol. That’s a sign I should know I shouldn’t have done what I did, whatever it is.

7 - Which family member do you look like the most? Which one do you resemble the most in terms of personality? People are always shocked to hear my mom is actually my mom and not my sister, because 1) we look very much alike, and 2) she looks young for her age. As for my personality, I’d say I’m a perfect split of my mom and dad. I exhibit an equal amount of traits they both have and I can’t tell which one I act like more.

8 - Have you ever been arrested? Never.

9 - Do you prefer Apple or Android? Apple. Would rather pay more than be stuck with an interface, camera, and emojis that I personally don’t like.

10 - Does getting sweaty or dirty bother you at all? If so, has it ever put you off doing exercise? I don’t sweat a lot, so I really do hate it when I feel beads of sweat on my temples or when the back of my shirt starts to feel damp. It doesn’t have anything to do with my feelings about exercising; I don’t like working out, period.

11 - Have you ever broken a bone? What were the circumstances that led to this happening? Never happened, hope it never happens.

12 - If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would it be? I wish I didn’t get the hairy gene so that I didn’t have to shave too much; my hair to be a little livelier and bouncier; and my front teeth to be straighter.

13 - When was the last time your computer crashed or froze? is this something that happens often? It must’ve been around a month ago. It just got too busy, so it froze for a few seconds. My laptop’s a trooper and doesn’t crash/freeze a lot.

14 - Do you ever have problems with your sleep? It’s mid-sleep I’ve been having issues with; I get nightmares almost every night. I don’t have a problem falling asleep as I’m able to do so pretty quickly.

15 - What was the last thing you ate for breakfast? Is this a normal breakfast meal for you? Angel sent over a small box of chocolate chip cookies as a Christmas gift so I’ve been enjoying that :) I’m currently having it with warm coffee. My normal breakfast is no breakfast, so this is a treat for me. Before this I also had to eat my leftover Chapaghetti that I couldn’t finish last night.

16 -  Have you ever thought about how you want to spend your retirement? That has not come to mind a lot, actually. I think more about death than I do my retirement...but this question tells me I should probably take a few steps back. I’d simply love to live in comfort with the person I end up growing old with. For now, that’s all I see myself wanting.

17 - When was the last time you got a new tattoo or piercing? Do you have any plans to get either in the future? A little less than 22 years ago; my mom had my ears pierced when I was a few months old. Haven’t gotten any new ones, nor tattoos, since. I’d love to have a couple of tattoos. Some of my ideas are two pawprints for each of my dogs, a plate of nachos, and lyrics that are personally meaningful.

18 - How would you describe your personality? Oof, what a loaded question. Hmm, I guess I’d generally label myself as hardened until I get close with someone? I’ve always kept a wall up and as friendly and extroverted as I can be, I don’t enjoy letting just anyone in. I value my personal and private space, and it’s important that I don’t lose it. 

From another angle, I also like to keep doing nice things for other people, even at the expense of my own happiness and comfort. I have to keep making people happy to keep me pleased with myself and the world. Maybe it’s rooted in the fact that I’m the eldest daughter in an Asian family? Idrk, but all I know is that I’ve never had a problem putting other people first.

19 - Have you ever heard of “hygge”? is this something you enjoy or participate in at all? I have no idea what this is and I’ve never come across this word before.

20 - What colour was the last vehicle you travelled in? Does this vehicle belong to you or someone else? White. It’s the car that was given to me for college, but when all is said and done it’s not mine.

21 - Would you describe yourself as healthy? Why or why not? In some senses yes, in other senses no. I don’t exercise or actively watch my diet, and I certainly eat too much junk; so proactively speaking, I’m not super healthy. But generally, my gene pool has been pretty fortunate with health. Other than heart conditions that run in certain branches of the family, we’re relatively a healthy bunch.

22 - Would you describe yourself as messy or organised? Is this something you would like to change? It’s a balance of both. I’m very organized at work so I allow myself to let go in my personal space, like my closet and car. I do clean up from time to time and I still like my space to be neat, but I’m not as neurotic as I normally would be with my workspace.

23 - Do you miss anything about being a teenager? If you are a teenager, what’s your favourite thing about it? The innocence. It was a period of being ideal, being a dreamer, being as romantic about life as I wanted to be. It was also a period where you were allowed to make mistakes, because fucking up when you’re younger lets you off the hook. These are the biggest things I miss, but I don’t really find myself pining for my teenage days. I still like where I am, even if things are realistically a little duller in adulthood.

24 - Are you patriotic at all? Why/why not? No. It’s hard to be when your country is shit.

25 - Have you ever had to wear a white lab coat before? Was this in school or for a job? Yeah we had lab coats in Lab class in high school, but they were green. We also needed safety goggles, and if I remember correctly if we had neither of these things we had to sit outside and skip out on the session.

26 - Would you ever want to do the same career(s) as your parents? I can see myself going down somewhere in the secretarial path like my mom as I’m good at organizing things and keeping internal affairs in order, but I don’t know if I would find it fulfilling. But in general, I wouldn’t want to be in the hotel and restaurant industry. I don’t have any attachments to it and I’ve always felt like I belonged in media and communications.

27 - Do you believe in aliens? Is there a reason why (or why not)? Yes. For the most part, it’s more comforting to think and believe that we’re not the only beings around.

28 - Which animated film would you most like to live in? Does it have to be a film? I’d love to be in the Fairly OddParents universe and have fairy godparents of my own.

29 - When was the last time you got into an argument? Have you made up with that person yet? Gab. I don’t know. She’s ignoring me.

30 - What are you going to do now this survey is over? Take another one.

--

1 - Have you ever had your computer or e-mail hacked? Did anything bad happen as a result? No but I had bad viruses on all of my Windows laptops before. The worst virus I got involved my laptop typing out some long-ass Vietnamese paragraphs for me at the most random times. It was like a horror movie lmao. Every time I Googled the text I never got any leads from it, so I never knew what it meant or what the virus was. 

2 - Do you prefer the company of people or animals? I don’t really have a preference when it comes to these two because their companionships are individually different. I like that animals can be playful and sweet; but I also like cracking jokes and having meaningful conversations with people.

3 - Are you a religious person? Were you raised in that faith or did you discover it a later date in life? I was born and raised Catholic, and still legally am. I never saw the appeal of the idea of being saved or of reading the Bible or anything that has to do with Christianity; and the idea of praying was weird to me even from childhood. A lot of Christians/Catholics I know are hypocrites anyway, and to me that says a lot about their mindset when it comes to religion.

4 - When was the last time you went to the beach? What did you do there? August 2019. My friends and I had a day trip to Nasugbu so we could have some fun before the semester started; we mostly swam and caught up with one another. August is a low season so we literally had the beach, the pool, and the poolside bar to ourselves.

5 - With all the COVID restrictions in place, would you feel happy/comfortable travelling abroad right now? Why/why not? I’d be happy, but not comfortable because of the swab test I would have to take hahaha. The selfish part of me is itching to go to other places already. I know my parents would put a million roadblocks to keep me from getting on a plane though, so me traveling is purely theoretical.

6 - How would you describe your dress sense? I like wearing flattering pieces but nothing too flashy or bright. I get items that are currently in style and make sure they match with the rest of my wardrobe, but at the end of the day I still like to blend in with the crowd and avoid neon colors, flashy labels, or whatever it is that would make me stand out.

7 - Do you wait until the sales start before you buy non-essential items? I never really pay attention to sales. It’s led to some pleasant surprises, like the other day when I was looking for a gift for my aunt. There was an H&M purse that caught my eye and it was so pretty, but way above my budget. I decided to get it anyway because that aunt throws amazing Christmas parties over the years and gives us lots of money, so I thought it could would be my way of giving back (especially since her company got hit hard by Covid). Once I got to the cashier the register showed it was like 60% off, even though there were no stickers on it and there was zero promotion anywhere in the store.

8 - What kind of milk do you prefer to drink (if you drink it at all)? I don’t drink milk, but I’m able to consume it in other dishes. I haven’t tried any types other than whole milk.

9 - Do you prefer blonde hair or brunette hair on your preferred sex? I don’t have preferences when it comes to hair color. We’re not really conditioned to consider this factor, since Filipinos have black hair.

10 - Would you be embarrassed to own the same clothing as one of your parents? No. I borrow stuff from my mom all the time. My sister also borrows some of my dad’s t-shirts, at least the ones that can fit her.

11 - When was the last time you wore some kind of fancy dress? Like...a gown? I’m not too sure. It must’ve been Alena’s debut three years ago since that’s the last fancy party I went to.

12 - Do you enjoy dressing up (ie. in suits or smart clothing)? When was the last time you did so? I like dressing up and making myself look cute, but dressing up formally not so much.

13 - What’s worse - being overdressed or underdressed? Personally, underdressed. I’d rather look too prepared than looking as if I didn’t care to look decent for whatever event I’m headed to.

14 - What do you think would be the worst thing about being stuck in solitary confinement? Not having any options or activities to do.

15 -  Have you ever owned an unusual or exotic pet? Would you want to? Nope. I would not want to have one. Unusual pet is just a euphemism for animals that shouldn’t be pets.

16 - How old were you when you learned to tie your shoelaces? I was 5 and had to learn it for a test in kindergarten.

17 - Do you enjoy decorating for the holidays? Sure, it makes me feel festive :)

18 - Would you rather go into a restaurant or just go via the drive-through? These days it’s more wise to use the drive-thru, but to be frank I’ve missed dining in. I would opt for the restaurant but make sure to follow safety protocols in the area.

19 - Do you like having your teeth cleaned at the dentist? I’ve actually always found trips to the dentist soothing, even as a kid. The only time I ever really freaked out was when I went last year to have a tooth removed and I was told that I needed an anaesthesia shot on my gums; even then, I didn’t even feel anything when it finally happened.

20 - Have you ever had a gun drawn on you before? Maybe? My cousins and friends and I doodled on each other a lot as kids.

21 - When was the last time you went to a petting zoo? I’ve never been to one and idk if I can go to one.

22 - Do you bite your nails? Could you physically bite your toenails if you stretched enough? Sometimes I’ll gnaw at my nails and then scrape them off. I’ve found it more satisfying than biting them all the way off. I could definitely bite my toenails, but I choose not to.

23 - How old were you when you first started using Tumblr? Have you had the same blog all that time? It wasssssss 2010, so I was 11 at the time. Nah, I deactivated that blog only after a year of using it and then I shifted to a wrestling blog.

24 - Are you a fan of practical jokes? If I’m watching celebrities pull it on another celebrities, yeah. Most of the time I get anxious that the recipient would react negatively, so I don’t watch a lot of pranks.

25 - How many years older and younger than you would you consider dating? Is this a concrete thing or would you make an exception for the right person? It will still depend on the latter condition, of course; but theoretically I would like to keep seeing people my exact age. No more and no less than the year 1998. Growing up with relatives in such close age to me makes me feel like I’d be dating an older cousin if it was someone a year older, and my sister if it was someone a year younger.

26 - Who did you vote for in the last US elections? If you’re not in the US, who would you have voted for? I don’t live in the US; I would have voted for Biden.

27 - Are you a fan of reddit? What are some of your favourite subreddits? Sure. I don’t visit it as much as I used to, but I still go on there when I’m bored and in need of entertaining or educational content. r/AskReddit is a classic fave of mine, but I also go on r/interestingasfuck, r/todayilearned, r/mildlyinteresting, r/dataisbeautiful, r/SquaredCircle, and r/goodmythicalmorning. Sometimes I’ll visit the r/AmItheAsshole sub as well to have some fun lol.

28 - Have you ever watched those YouTube videos of people popping their own spots or zits? Do you find them gross or fascinating? Not those, but I’ve looked up earwax extractions and blackhead removals before.

29 - What’s a food you hated as a kid but love now? How about vice versa? Chicken curry is probably my best example because I’m obsessed with all kinds of curry now, whether it’s Indian butter chicken, Thai green curry, or Japanese curry. I didn’t understand the complex flavors as a kid, but I’m got to appreciate more and more as I got older.

30 - Do you prefer socks, shoes or going bare foot? Idk, I feel like all these choices are useful and convenient in their own different situations? I’m barefoot when I’m at home but put on socks when it’s chilly, and I wear shoes when I’m outdoors.

[theladyfangs]

Reflections/The Other Part 12

(Dear God...this is the last time I upload a story of this length to tumblr. This is starting to feel like the fic that never ends...but I swear it’s starting to wrap here in a bit).

I’d Rather Go Blind

“Admiral,” Lorca greets her as he comes on the bridge. “This is…unexpected.”

Katrina eyes him up and down, critically. Uniform immaculate as always. His hair slightly mussed, as if he were sleeping, but when he gets close, she catches a whiff and frowns, knowing that smell. She’s known Gabriel too long to be fooled. His default when shit goes awry, when he’s stressed to the point where he can’t deal. And she senses something else too—the way he’s standing, slightly back from her, guarded, and…she gets to his face, noting the blue in his eyes, the slightly withdrawn look: he’s hiding something.

“Conference room, Captain.”

Tell. Don’t ask.

They go, leaving Tyler with Saru.

Once the doors shut, she turns on him.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Katrina snaps. “Attacking in Klingon space. Are you crazy? We could have lost this ship and her tech!”

“But we didn’t lose the ship or the tech,” Lorca says measuredly, not wanting to antagonize her further. “We came back. Got the job done.”

“And WHAT, exactly, was the job? The impetus? We were moving the needle.”

“It wasn’t moving fast enough,” he defends.

“Shut up right there.”

Lorca massages his temple, feeling his patience beginning to wear thin—he’s annoyed that she’s talking to him like this, but he’s letting her—knowing her anger is probably due to a hell of a lot more than just a mission she disagreed with. Katrina charges on.

“YOU jeopardized this ship. This crew. All for what? Your ego? Your glory?”

“It’s NOT my ego!” He finally snaps, venting the extent of pent-up frustration. “Your people screwed up. Had Terral listened to Michael we wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. YOU, Admiral, punish her for violating ‘Starfleet directives’, THEN you’re fucking surprised we’re getting our asses kicked halfway to Sunday!

“Who decided to only defend the colonies and leave the arrays undefended? Who decided to de-militarize the Federation? Hell, I get it. Peace in the fucking galaxy, but WHEN will you guys wake up and accept SOME responsibility for this? YOU and your ilk, Katrina—the old guard is gone. This is YOUR fault. Accept it. I jumped into Klingon space to send a message—that the Federation ISN’T passive. That it WILL do more than just defend itself. That it’s just as willing as they are to fight—and from what I’m seeing—it’s working. Hell, you won’t even tell the others what we’re doing—so which one of us is being the coward-- me, or you?”

Only after Lorca’s done does the rest slowly sink in.

“You’re accusing me,” she starts slowly, “of allowing the invasion? Do you KNOW how you sound right now? We’ve lost tens of thousands of people, Gabriel. And you’re saying it’s wrong to want for peace—what do you propose? Constant war? Humanity tried that for centuries, and I know you know history.”

“That’s not what I’m saying, Katrina.”

Lorca sits back down, realizing he’s been standing the past few minutes ranting.

“It doesn’t matter, now. What matters is getting you to see why we did what we did. Why Michael and I made the decision to go on offence. Can you at least admit it’s got them nervous? I know you get the transmission logs.”

She does. And she has seen, through Tyler, the amount of confusion the strike has caused among Klingon forces. But still…

“There are rules, Gabriel.”

“Rules are for admirals in back offices,” he retorts.

“Pick that up from over there?” She snaps back, eyes narrow, standing now and circling him. “You haven’t been the same since you came back. You sound like him.”

Like him.

“Then maybe he was right about a few things,” Lorca tells her, to Kat’s surprise. A shudder runs through her.

“What did you lose over there, Gabriel? What happened to your humanity?”

But he won’t answer. Instead, “Are we done, Admiral?”

“No, we’re not. How many crew did you lose?”

Thanks to Saru, she’s seen the reports about the boarding.

“Five.”

“Were their lives worth it?”

“To end a war? You said yourself, tens of thousands have died already. My people died with dignity. Honour. Trying to save the Federation. That’s all I’m doing. Trying to save us. Because we’re fighting an enemy that doesn’t play by the rules, Katrina. And I think you know that. And I also think you know,” he leans closer now, “that we will lose our way of life if we don’t come up with a better way.”

“Tell me why I shouldn’t bust you down and send Burnham to the nearest prison colony?” She refuses the bait.

But at the word ‘Burnham’, there’s something different in Gabriel’s face. It disappears just as quickly—but it sure as hell looked like…panic?

“You wouldn’t.” He tells her. “We’re your best for bringing this thing to an end. You hate what we’re doing, but condoning it. And you left Michael here for a reason.”

Katrina catches it once more. Not Specialist. Not Burnham. Michael.  The collective, “we”.

Another glance at Gabriel. He’s giving her the blank stare of indifference, but his shoulders are tense. Still as a statue. She knows his bluffs. His hedges. His ticks and his quirks. Katrina eyes him critically, takes a longer look at the man she used to love…still loves…

It comes out of nowhere. Like a shock to her system. She doesn’t know what prompts it. What makes her say it. Maybe it’s stress. Maybe it’s worry. Some unresolved something from deep down that rears up in the moment. But the words that escape, she can’t take back, and the truth reveals itself in the look on his face when she asks, point-blank…  

“Are you sleeping with her?”

.

.

Tyler II

It’s early, but he wants to see her. To show her that he’s…better now. That in these months apart, he’s found something to hold on too, that he’s not the person that attacked her and that he’s worked hard to be better. For her.

Tyler retraces the familiar path toward the quarters Michael shares with Tilly, feeling anxious, but wanting to resolve this. Resolve them, convince her he’s changed, learned. That he’s a better man, can be a better man. For her.

The chime of the call is faint, inside. He waits, hoping Michael will come to the door.

“Tilly?”

“Ash?”

She rubs her eyes sleepily and blinks a few times, puzzled at his appearance, a mess of red curls adorning her head. Tilly’s hair has always been impressive, wild, nearly un-tamable and she’s complained of it more than a few times—but the hair is part of her, its own character and personality separate and apart from its owner.

“What are you doing here? It’s…” she glances behind her and back at him.

“0527?”

“Yeah. I came in with Admiral Cornwell.”

Tilly nods, becoming more awake as they talk. She’s not moved from the doorway, and he casts a few looks over her head, trying to peek inside. Tilly catches it.

“So…what brings you…here?” She asks, knowing but trying to stall.

Michael rarely sleeps in their room anymore. And she hasn’t been here in…weeks really. But Ash doesn’t know that. And she doesn’t want to be the one to have to say it.

“Is Michael here?”

“Um…no, I think, she…uh…maybe left a little earlier?”

Sylvia isn’t a good liar. It’s in the way her eyes dart away nervously. The chewing of her lip. The shifting of the feet. It’s so…human, he thinks snidely, but stops, realizing those are Voq’s thoughts, not his.

“You’re lying,” Ash says drily. “Where is she, Tilly?”

“Um….engineering?”

“At 0530 in the morning?”

“You know she likes to get an early start, sometimes.”

Sylvia tries for a smile, but Ash doesn’t buy it.

“You don’t have to lie, Tilly. It’s okay. It’s what I get for stopping by, unannounced.” He leaves, and the door closes, but midway down the hall, there’s a computer, and he goes there—knowing the officer badges carry location data.

“Computer, location of Michael Burnham.”

“Michael Burnham is in room 2-1-1-2.”

The number sounds familiar, but he can’t quite place it, so he takes the lift up to the level and steps off. The corridor is empty. Just a few rooms, but as soon as he starts walking and comes to the door, he stops. Seeing the name inscribed on a panel. Lorca, G.

Captain Lorca’s quarters.

And Michael is here.

He’s mildly amused that he should be surprised at this discovery.

Still, Tyler is not a coward. He came for resolution, and resolution he is determined to get.

So he presses the chime.

.

.

The sound is soft, yet insistent, lulling her out of sleep and at first, it’s difficult to place, as she slowly wakes to find the space beside her empty.

It’s 0616.

The chime again—someone at the door and Michael is confused as to why it would be ringing.

She rises, still in uniform from the night before, and makes her way to the door.

It opens and she’s shocked. And shook, there’s no hiding it—all over her face as she freezes, seeing Ash standing there, looking at her with distrust, and hurt.

“Thought I’d find you here,” he says. “Let’s talk.”

.

.

Deer in headlights, he thinks, staring into Michael’s big brown eyes. Those were the first things he noticed about her—how wide they were, beautiful and almond shaped, with long lashes and an innocent, yet tired expression—somewhat sad, somewhat guarded. He was captivated in the moment, thought she was beautiful, even if she herself could have cared less about how she appeared to others.

It was the stiff formality that caught him and the sudden, revealing moment of weakness when she collapsed in pain on the mess hall floor, appearing injured. He thought of her as doe-like, elegant, slender limbs and something made him want to reach out and try to protect her in the moment, never thinking that in the end, she’d be the one to protect him. She’d reminded him of the animal, skittish around him at first, and he’d thought her somewhat naïve, but endearing, slightly socially awkward but attractive, admiring that she could go through so much and still maintain her decency. At least, he’d thought her decent. Thought her innocent, too.

Maybe she wasn’t always so innocent. Maybe she wasn’t so decent. Maybe it was all in his confused, trauma-induced mind. Maybe it was what he wanted to believe, needed to believe—that someone could love him when he was still struggling to reconcile images and memories he wasn’t sure were real or imagined; to find a way to love himself after losing himself to the darkness that was his former tormentor and jailor, his Klingon lover, L’Rell. If Michael became his light, L’Rell was his shadow.

Maybe this particular angel was always out of reach.

Maybe he would have done better to leave well enough alone.

Gabriel, the usurper, had warned him.

He’d ignored Gabriel.

Now, here he stands, looking at her, in the quarters of the man he’d tried to steal her from.

“So this is why you wanted me gone?” he asks. “This is why you let me go?”

“I let you go because you lied to me.” Michael’s voice is level. But her face is filled with concern.

“I don’t want your pity.”

“You don’t have it.”

“Why him?” It’s jealous.

Her steely gaze never leaves his, lips pursed into a tight line.

The non-answer is the reply, and Tyler remarks, “so you lied to me, too.”

“And to myself.”

It’s all he needs to walk away, knowing she was never his to begin with. The thought gives him pause. The sense of possession that comes with it. Again, not him. Voq. He knows well you can’t own or possess another person. But Voq feels an entirely different way. And Tyler knows then he will always be trapped in this particular form of hell. That he’s better, but not quite. That he will always struggle between two people forced into one body. And Michael is just the cusp of it.

  Lorca II

“Are you sleeping with her?”

Of course, Katrina would know.

“And if I was?” he defends.

“You know better.”

It comes out before he can stop himself. “So did you, when you decided to sleep with him.”

Neither of them have ever fought fair. They know where to poke. Where to jab. How to hurt. And there’s been plenty of it to go around of late. They’ve never stood on even, solid ground. Part of their attraction. Part of their repulsion. Lorca takes the low road.

Katrina’s pupils expand and darken. She visibly draws back, and he’s immediately ashamed of himself. “Kat, I--” he reaches out, but she slaps him. Hard. So hard, it makes his head snap to the right, and he brings a hand up to the burning, stinging side of his face. That’s going to leave a mark. Not the hand itself, but the ring on the middle finger. It’s been there for more than two decades. Promises made. Promises broken.

A welt is quickly forming on the broken skin.

“You’re what? Sorry?” She scoffs. “I’ve heard that one before.”

Oh yes, she has. Many, many times. Lorca works his mouth but nothing comes out. The words don’t form.  Because he’s not sorry for it. What he’s sorry for are all the other things. What he’s really sorry for is how he ruined them. And he’s sorry it took him more than two decades to realize that he was the poison in their relationship. But how to tell her this? How to explain it, without sounding like he’s making excuses?

“So this is what we are now,” he says, rubbing the side of his face warily, remembering that Katrina is heavy-handed. “You’re mad at me for something I didn’t do.”

It’s not about him sleeping with Michael. Lorca knows it. Katrina does too. What got him slapped is what he said. About her. About the other him.

“You hate me,” Lorca says slowly, “because I look like him.”

“And talk like him. And act like him.” Katrina finishes, slumping down into a chair, her fury beginning to wane, and tiredness starting to take over. It’s been a long war. It’s been a long two years. It’s been a long, six months. So much between them, stacked up like a monument to failure on both sides.

He takes a chair opposite, rubbing his temples.

“He tricked me,” she says so softly, he almost misses it.

Almost. But he knows to stay quiet. To listen, not talk.

“He tricked me, and I wanted so badly to believe it was you. I just couldn’t face it. So I let myself be tricked. Anything, to believe for a little longer that I hadn’t lost you when I did.”

“Eighteen months, Kat.”

They’re not looking at one another.

“Eighteen months I scraped and I fought and I killed, and I was tortured, and I tortured—anything I could do to survive—and the only thing that saved me, kept me even remotely sane,” he swallows, voice growing thicker, darker, “was making it back to you. I was trying my damnedest to get to Tahoe. And when I finally make it, you--”

Beat him. Yelled at him. Slapped him. Railed at him. Twenty-five years of fury unleashed when he least expected it, when his own body and soul were damaged nearly to the point of disrepair and he was still barely clinging to the fact that he wasn’t dreaming, that he was back, and to see her, standing there—gun drawn, ready to shoot him. And then later, when she did. Not with a phaser, but with her words. She’d killed what he thought was left of his humanity when she did that.

No tether.

No anchor.

“You left me to suffer,” he tells her. “I’ve suffered every single day for more than two years, and you act like I left on purpose. That I did this intentionally. That it’s my fault—what happened when I was gone. I never left you, Trina,” he says, using the nickname reserved between them, “but as soon as I stepped off that platform, you’d already made up your mind.”

She let him go. Let him drift.

It’s the first time they’re being completely honest with each other.

“Tahoe was a pipe dream for us,” she says quietly, remembering the night they fought over her promotion. How angry she was that he wasn’t more supportive. How angry he was that she could even consider it.

“You were never really there.”

She’s bringing back years. He can’t argue with her there. “I thought we promised to try again. We swore that to each other.”

“Maybe I never believed you could keep a promise,” she tells him. “So many of those you broke.”

Exactly what he told Michael, he did.

This was never one for him to win. He knows it. And he’ll let her have it.

“So what do you want to do with me, Katrina? Does it make you feel better to know what I’ve suffered too? Does it make you feel better to know karma actually works?” A harsh, dry laugh. “Are we finally, even now?”

He looks at her, those eyes ever sharper, the blue deeper, and in them, all she sees is grief and pain. And it cuts her.

A man too proud to beg. Too strong to be broken. Physical pain has never bothered Gabriel—she knows its emotional stuff he can’t handle. The reason why he ran. Ran until he couldn’t anymore. She knew what she had a long time ago—and if she’s real with herself, she also knows it’s not his fault. Not all his fault. It takes two. Two to fight, two to love. There’s blame on her too. Because she pressured him to stay when she knew he wanted to go. Tried to force him to settle down when she knew it wasn’t his nature. And the pregnancy—a last-ditch effort when she felt she was losing him. She used his love to her advantage—but caged birds always find a way out—and that’s what he did. Neither of them were perfect, but…

“I’m sorry, ‘Trina.”

“For what?” Her breath is hitched. Almost afraid to hear what he’s going to say next. He doesn’t. Just gets up and comes to her chair to stand before her.

“For Jeremy.”

One tear. A traitor to its master, slipping from its stony prison to make an escape down her cheek. Jeremy. The name they chose for a child they wouldn’t get to see.

“I’m sorry about Anthony.” The husband she lost because Anthony knew her heart wasn’t in it. A marriage built on splintered glass. Settling for something because nothing wasn’t an option.

“And I’m sorry for Tahoe.” Their house on the edge of the lake. The retirement plan. The one promise they swore to each other they’d keep. The one destroyed by war.

“I do love you, Katrina,” Lorca tells her. “And I am so, so sorry it was never enough.”

Not then. And after everything else, not now.

“I’m sorry too.”

The voice is far softer. More resigned. Accepting. No more struggle here. No more fighting—they both see the writing on the wall.

She tells him what she knows. That she’s always known the kind of man he is.

“But…I tried,” he says, weakly.

Katrina stands to touch to the side of his face. Her fingers slide down the welt. Red, angry, a thin crimson streak of red down the middle, but it doesn’t bleed.

“I know you did. I’m glad you did.”

Because they both know it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. No matter the bad…there was always so much more good there.

A soft smile graces her face.

“I love you, Gabriel.”

“Trina.” He comes to hug her, and this time, she doesn’t flinch from his touch, just wraps her arms around him, and rests her head against his chest, feeling his warmth, drawing strength from his surety of presence. It feels like going home. Like the friends they are, even now.

“I love you too.”

They do, and they always will. He’s in her bones, and she’s in his. Yet they’re old enough and wise enough to have finally learned the difference, between loving, and being in love.

Loving suits them just fine.

[bytheangell]

Support System - Chapter 2

When Alec's favorite show gets cancelled and he takes to messaging customer service repeatedly to show his support, he doesn't expect to connect so easily with the support representative he keeps getting paired off with.

Read Chapter one on Tumblr here, and both on AO3 here! 

     IT’S A DATE?! What on Earth is he thinking. He’s never been more thankful than that moment to be sequestered behind a computer screen because if anyone could see the shade of red his dark complexion takes on he’s sure he’d never hear the end of it. His phone is out and on the desk in front of him even as he answers the next support chat request, pulling up Catarina’s number while he goes through the same motions he did with every normal chat that comes through. Few are about the actual service and system right now and almost all of them are about The Hunt, so he doesn’t need to be as technically focused as usual, which is nice. Of course, it also allows him to fall into this level of friendly familiarity he clearly doesn’t know when to stop.

‘Cat, I fucked up .’ Send. All he can think is that there is no way that chat doesn’t get reported for being inappropriate, and the moment it does that is the end of his job, most likely. His bosses aren’t too keen on letting things like that slide - you can be a certain level of friendly, just to make that customer connection, but he took it too far.

‘What did you do this time?’ Comes the reply, and Magnus can hear the exasperation in her tone even through the text.

‘I just ended a chat with Alec with ‘It’s a date’ ‘ Magnus sighs. He doesn’t know where that came from…

...except he does. The past couple of days he found himself actually looking forward to his chats with everyone from this show’s fanbase, but specifically this Alec he keeps getting paired with. It was just a few chats, he doesn’t even know anything about the guy (hell, it could be a girl for all he knows), but he really is looking forward to the next time they speak. He told Cat about him after the third one, just in passing, but enough that she knows exactly who he is referring to. He’s getting flirty… he’s getting a crush . A crush on a guy who just wants to log some interest complaints about his show and that’s it. There is absolutely nothing there and he is being ridiculous.

‘Of course you did. What did he say back?’

‘Nothing. He ended the chat.’

‘Ouch’

He makes it through the rest of the shift with wandering focus until he meets up with Cat and Ragnor outside as the sun begins to rise.

“There you are,” Ragnor says, the smirk on his lips telling Magnus that Cat already told him about his predicament. “Cat was just filling me - you do know that tech support isn’t your own personal dating service, correct?”

“Shut up,” Magnus groans.

“Want to grab a drink and some food so we can help you pick tomorrow’s pick-up lines?” Ragnor is unrelenting, opening his mouth to say something more until Catarina elbows him in the side to shut him up.

“I’m going home,” Magnus says, sounding tired and defeated.

“Yes, that’s probably for the best. You’ll need your beauty sleep before your big date tomorrow.”

“Ragnor!”

“--Alright, sorry! I’m done.” Though the pleased expression on his face as Magnus rolls his eyes and leaves shows that he doesn’t feel any actual remorse, the bastard.

Magnus makes some food and watches another three episodes of The Hunt before falling asleep on the sofa. Sleep is good. Sleep means he isn’t obsessing over his next shift, which is all he does from the moment he stirs awake until he’s sat behind his computer, logging in and anxiously awaiting his first chat of the night.

An hour passes and he falls into an easy rhythm. Until he sees the name and the breath catches in his chest. Stay calm , he reminds himself. And for the love of God stay professional this time .

You are Connected with Customer: Alec L. Magnus: Hello, what may I help you with today? Alec: Finally. I went through three chats before I got yours. Magnus: You actually came looking for me? Alec: Well, yeah. I said I was going to, didn’t I? I’m a man of my word. Magnus: An admirable quality.  And I’m a man of mine - I watched three more episodes. Alec: And? Magnus: And I honestly want an entire spinoff series of the alternate universe. I can’t believe it’s only one episode. Alec: I guess you’ll just have to start writing your own request during your off time. Magnus: Something tells me my bosses wouldn’t appreciate that. I’m sure it’s a clause in my contract somewhere. Alec: Fair enough. Still no word on the show getting picked back up? Magnus: No, but we’re getting just as many contacts as we were the first few days, even now. Sooner or later someone will have to issue a statement. I wouldn’t give up yet. Alec: I wouldn’t dream of it. Alec: I should stop holding up your chat, you have work to do. Thanks again. Magnus: Any time, Alec. This chat has ended.

Magnus is grinning like an idiot. Alec hadn’t reported him for his little slip-up… not only that, but he actively came back to try and find him , in a sea of customer service representative chats. That has to mean something, right?

It is two hours later when he sees the name again.

You are Connected with Customer: Alec L. Magnus: We meet again. Alec: Fate sure does like throwing us together. Magnus: Is it fate? Because I distinctly remember you saying it took three tries the last time. Alec: I never said I wasn’t helping fate along. Magnus: How many tries this time? Alec: ...4. Ragnor says “hi” and also that he “wishes nothing more than for there to be some way to directly transfer me to you”, because he got me 3 of those times and I’m pretty sure he’s about to file a formal complaint. Magnus: He isn’t, don’t worry. Magnus: Just for the sake of the records, I assume you would like us to renew The Hunt? Alec: Yes, sir. Magnus: Please don’t call me ‘sir’, it makes me feel old. Alec: How old are you? Alec: Sorry, that was dumb, forget I asked. Alec: It’s late I should go. This chat has ended.

Magnus curses, a frown settling onto his face as the chat closes and his heart sinks. He started to reply that it’s fine but Alec was gone before he could get the message sent. He didn’t mind the question - in fact, he wishes there was some way to contact Alec outside these chats without committing a serious breach of customer privacy to get his e-mail or phone number. There were so many things he wants to ask, to comment on and get Alec’s reaction to, but he obviously can’t in the position he’s in.  

He waits the rest of the shift but Alec doesn’t come back into the chats again, and Magnus is left holding onto the number 4. 4 tries just to get to him, and he refuses to believe there isn't something more to that. 

[gascon-en-exil]

A Not Actually Definitive Ranking of Fire Emblem Games

So after a lot of deliberation I’ve decided not to revisit last year’s Zelda ranking project on a full scale for FE, but that doesn’t mean it’s not something I really wanted to do. 2018 is the year we’re going to get alternatively hyped for and disappointed by FE16, after all. With that in mind have an abbreviated list that will end up being one very long post. I’ve got games to gush over and an anon or two (and very likely actual followers…eep) to piss off, so here we go.

The “personal favorites of the series, love revisiting them” Tier - FE10, FE2/15, FE4

I’m never going to argue that Radiant Dawn is a perfect game or even just a perfect FE game, but damned if it doesn’t manage to do so much right all at once. An extremely ambitious story that builds off its mostly conventional predecessor in a variety of interesting ways, deconstructing a bunch of series narrative standards (life in a defeated country kind of sucks and there are people that don’t warm that quickly to young and inexperienced rulers, go figure) and taking an eleventh hour hard right at Nietzchean atheism as read by a Pride parade. Kind of falls on its ass by the end, but every experimental FE story does the same thing so I can’t fault this one. I love the army switching as motivation to try different units almost as much as I love the oh-so-exploitable growth and BEXP mechanics. Its Easy mode also hits a sweet spot for me of being challenging enough to not be a complete snore while also allowing the freedom for all manner of weird self-imposed challenges that don’t even require grinding. By all accounts Hard mode is one lazy design choice after another, but I don’t play at that level so no complaints here.

Never played Gaiden, but to its credit around half of the unique gameplay mechanics I like in Shadows of Valentia were also in the original: the modest army size, the novel approaches to inventory management and magic, the pretty basic class system with just a hint of nuance. The remake threw in some hit-or-miss questing, dungeon exploration, and achievements, but all the rest was either a solid addition or a continuation of NES-era annoyances that I could live with. And the story…SoV makes me dislike the DS games even more just because this game does so much with so little. Even leaving aside the mostly great voice acting there’s a bunch of new content that characterizes almost everybody and makes half of them (the men, anyway, because this is a remake of a Kaga-era game and therefore misogynistic as can be) gay because why the hell not, and then some development that constitutes the only solid attempt at worldbuilding Archanea-Valentia-Ylisse has ever really gotten and also retcons some stuff from Awakening into making sense. It’s even got some solid DLC with lots of character stuff for the Deliverance, the least sucky grinding of the 3DS games, and probably the only context in which I’ll ever be able to comment on anything from Cipher.

No remake needed for Genealogy of the Holy War to make it competitive with the rest of the top tier - just an excellent translation patch and the standard features of an emulator. I’ve never watched Game of Thrones and probably don’t plan on it, but I gather that this game provides the same essential experience with less blood and female nudity and marginally more egalitarianism for all. I can forgive it for being the original Het Baby Fest since you’d be hard-pressed to find a single entirely healthy and well-adjusted individual anywhere on Jugdral and I relate to that just as much. Screwed up family dynamics for everyone! It’s also arguably got a more fun breeding meta than either of the 3DS games, lacking Awakening’s optimization around a single postgame map with very specific parameters or Fates’s high level of balance that ironically stymies analysis. This is another game for interesting inventory management and unit leveling that isn’t too obnoxious, which mostly makes up for the maps taking an eon to play through even with an emulator speeding through those enemy phases. This would be a strange game to remake, but if it got a localized one of the same caliber as SoV I fully acknowledge that this could climb to the #2 spot. SoV would probably have the queer edge though unless they do some strange things to the plot or just make Gen 2 really gay…but then again Gen 2 is the part that’s more in need of fleshing out as it is. (Also, this game has So. Much. Incest. That’s not even really a kink of mine especially as it’s all straight incest, but I just find that hilarious in light of how Tumblr’s purity culture speaks of such things.)

The “good games, but don’t come back to them as much” Tier - FE7, FE9, FE8

Blazing Sword is not here for nostalgia purposes, especially since when I first played the game at 14 years old most of what I like about it didn’t really register. It was just that game with RPG elements that I liked and permadeath that I didn’t, and it took a few games after that for me to become an established fan of the franchise. Massive props for putting such an unconventional spin on a prequel to a textbook FE; this is a game in a series about war in which no war is fought, how crazy is that? We actually get to see the backstory of FE6′s tragic antagonist, even as it’s completely tangential to the plot of this game and so just feels like random Jugdral-esque family drama without context, and on top of that we get the first hints of interdimensional travel and kinky human/shapeshifter sex several years before either of those became controversial talking points about how they were ruining the series. I am so there. Lyn doesn’t matter to the saga, but her character arc is distinct and self-contained and also she picked up a disproportionately large fanbase while being bisexual and biracial so go her. Eliwood is sympathetic and homosocially-inclined even if his growths frequently make me want to cry (at least he gets a horse unlike his similarly-challenged son), and I can live with Hector even if I could have done without his lordly legacy. Throw in some average-for-the-time gameplay with just enough variety across the two routes and even more good character work *waves at Sonia and Renault and Priscilla -> Raven/Lucius and Serra and…* and it’s all in all a solid experience. The ranking system can go die in a fire though, which funnily enough it did after this game. Yay!

Like most early 3D games - except on Gamecube so it’s even more embarrassing - Path of Radiance has aged terribly by every aesthetic measure aside from the soundtrack. It’s also painfully slow, and my computer can’t run Dolphin apparently so an emulator’s not going to fix that for me. Those obvious flaws aside, it’s still an entertaining game, and more importantly it’s the prologue that had the crucial task of setting up all the pins RD knocked over in stellar fashion, whether we’re talking about the basic storyline that actually isn’t or the many het relationship fake-outs (more so in localization…I guess we’ll never know if NoA was actively planning that when they pushed Ike/Elincia like they did). PoR is also a love letter to Jugdral in both gameplay and themes, albeit an occasionally critical one. The jury’s still out on whether Jugdral or Tellius succeeds the most (fails the least?) of the FE settings at developing a complete world with a nuanced and resonant saga narrative, but that Tellius manages to be competitive while being kind of clumsy overall with racism and shifting the series’s overarching motif of dragon-blooded superhumans to one of kinky interracial sex is pretty impressive. The less I say about Ike the better since it’s only his endings in RD that save him for me; suffice it to point out that his worldview and general personality were clearly designed to appeal to a demographic that does not include me.

And finally comes The Sacred Stones, truly my average benchmark FE as I like it but struggle to have any particularly strong feelings on it one way or the other. The story is standard but has a few intriguing quirks, like the light vs. dark magic meta, surprise necrophilia, and how the main antagonist’s sexuality sort of depends on which route you take (except he’s still never getting laid so does it really matter?). It also seems to have been the first game to have made a legitimate effort toward the kind of replayability that’s normal for RPGs, what with the branched promotions, the route split, and the actual postgame. That’s all much more engaging than just filling up a support log. The gameplay is also more polished and (I think?) more balanced than the other GBA games, if one is willing to overlook the minor issue of Seth. Let’s see…something something twincest that’s now an IS running gag, something something guys talking intimately about their lances, something something SoV did the whole dungeon crawling with monsters bit better but I can forgive SS for not taking it that far. Moving on….

The “they have Problems” Tier - FE14, FE13

Probably qualifies as a fandom heresy, but yes I’m putting Fates first of these two. Fates is in every conceivable way for me the “You Tried” game, because I had such high hopes for it from the moment we got the earliest promotional content. I was expecting a World of Warcraft-style conflict between two morally grey factions with myriad convoluted grievances against each other messily resolving themselves one way or the other according to player choice (though note that this is already somewhat damning with faint praise as no one’s going to call WoW a storytelling masterpiece), with Conquest in particular a true villain campaign that I imagined might play out as European Imperialism: The Game. What we actually got was…not that, not at all, but amid all the complaints about plot holes and idiot balls and moral myopia most fans seem to have forgotten just how much there is to this game. It’s three full stories that together average out to be just about passable, with possibly the biggest gameplay variety in the series that fixed most of Awakening’s more broken elements (pair-up, children being unquestionably superior to the first generation) while also adding in new features that undoubtedly appealed to someone or other like Phoenix mode and the castle-building aspect. I can even mostly forgive the obvious growing pains Fates exhibits in terms of queer content, as they were pretty much inevitable once the developers realized that (almost) everyone was picking up on the subtext and that that approach just wasn’t going to cut it anymore. Again, they tried, and if the results included face-touching fanservice and plot contrivances left and right and two-way cultural posturing that inevitably crosses over into real world racism at some point I can still step back for a moment and acknowledge that Fates began as a distinctive, high-concept setting on par with Tellius and Jugdral that was willing to do something different with the narrative norm (for two of its routes at least, and even so I’m not begrudging Birthright its conventionality because that grounding is important overall). And who knows? Maybe a later game will come along and retroactively make this setting coherent.

Fates might have more sexual fanservice, but if there’s any FE that I feel ends up a slave to fanservice in a broader sense it would be Awakening. Yeah, I get that when it was in development everyone thought this would be the final game, so it makes sense that the finished product turned out to be a nostalgia-laden greatest hits piece. It’s still hard to forgive Awakening for feeling so insubstantial, doubly so since it ended up revitalizing the franchise and now it and Fates are everywhere. It’s got a plot that only makes some sense in light of SoV and possibly on a meta level (following my theory that the plot structure is meant to mirror FE1-3 in sequence), the first iteration of an Avatar dating game heavily coloring the characterization and support system, and a queasily feel-good atmosphere that allows almost no character to actually remain dead and centers everything around the self-insert and the power of friendship. So much for the series’s traditionally dim view of human nature and recurring theme of the inevitability of conflict. What’s more, in spite of its theoretically broad scope (including a criminally under-explored time travel plot with a bad future) and numerous call-backs to older games Awakening does surprisingly little for developing the series’s most frequently-visited setting. I think it was in large part how generic this game has always felt to me even before release that I never got very hyped for it and as a consequence was never very disappointed by it. It’s just….there, with its nostalgia and its chronic “no homo” and its host of hilariously broken mechanics. I wonder if we’d have ended up viewing Awakening more favorably if it really had been the last game? Eh, probably not.

The “needs a remake or needs a better remake” Tier - FE5, FE6, FE3/12, FE1/11

I don’t have a specific order for these, except that FE1/11 is almost certainly the bottom since 5 and 6 have remake potential and, lack of localization aside, New Mystery was a better remake than Shadow Dragon.

I still haven’t fully played Thracia 776, but I’ve watched and read through Let’s Plays and have read more than enough analysis and meta on the game to where I can definitively say that I wouldn’t enjoy playing it too much and don’t feel all that emotionally connected to the story except insofar as it relates to the overall Jugdral saga. The concept of a standard FE plot that ends with the playable cast losing is an intriguing one, though they really could have done better than the weird non-ending that is this game’s final boss. I’m also not as invested in Leif the fallen aristocrat as I usually am those types of characters, possibly because it’s a foregone conclusion that he eventually gets his kingship anyway. I would like a remake, hopefully one that smooths over some of the original’s mechanical roughness and also makes a bunch of characters gay because the material’s certainly there in places, but I also admit that I’d rather have a remake of Genealogy first. Or, for that matter….

Binding Blade doesn’t have the potential for an amazing story-driven remake that Thracia does; after all, it’s basically a soft reboot of FE1 with an equally bland lord saved by his Super Smash Bros. fanbase and possibly his weirdly large harem. That said, there’s a fair amount of character potential and worldbuilding opportunities what with the series’s first true support system and the content of its unorthodox prequel. Even by itself I feel like BB does more to sell Elibe as its own distinctive world than any of Marth’s games ever did for Archanea, and that’s even with the reality that like the Archanea games this playable cast is inflated with some really forgettable characters (that seem to have followed a semi-rigid numerical quota by class in this instance. It’s weird.). This game never really stuck in my mind as a good playable experience either, not helped by the fact that it feels simple and antiquated compared not only to the GBA games that followed it but to the Jugdral games that preceded it. Good on them for throwing out some of Thracia’s more unwieldy mechanics, but did they have to throw out skills, hybrid classes, and varied chapter objectives too? The space limitations of the GBA couldn’t have been that severe.

While I’ve been spending much of this post ragging on Archanea, I will say that (New) Mystery of the Emblem has some interesting character beats, like the resolution of the Camus/Nyna/Hardin tragedy, Rickard and the situationally bisexual(?) Julian, and some of the antics of Marth’s retainers. I did like bits of the remake’s new assassin plot even if most of it is cribbed from the Black Fang; Eremiya’s no Sonia, but Clarisse and Katarina have their moments. Also, Kris isn’t that offensive to me since I was never all that engaged in Marth’s inconsistent personality and from what I’ve seen his/her supports don’t all devolve into a dating sim. New Mystery has a broader array of characters than either the original or the previous remake, without requiring the player to kill off characters just to get some of the new ones. That said, the reclassing in the DS games is still broken and allows the player to strip even more character out of their personality-deprived units. I’m getting to the point where I’m having trouble separating the two actually, so I’ll just go ahead and remark that I think everyone can agree that Shadow Dragon is the worst of the three remakes so far, with no supports, the aforementioned killing of units, a prologue that adds to the story but only exists on Normal mode and also requires you to kill someone off (seriously, what is it with this game? Is it commentary on the necessary sacrifices of war that they tried forcing on the player for one game until they realized it was a terrible idea?), the needless removal of features from earlier games like rescuing even as others like weapon ranks and forging were left in, that first clumsy iteration of reclassing, and little to nothing that I can see as elevating the story above the standard fantasy adventure fare of Dark Dragon and the Sword of Light that might have been good in 1990 but didn’t look so hot in 2008. Archanea just feels so lifeless overall compared to every other setting in the franchise, to the point where I don’t even feel that guilty about putting the first game in the series way down at the bottom when over in the Zelda ranking I raised the NES games above ones I found more fun to play solely because of their historical significance. Isn’t FE1 arguably the first tactical RPG? I feel like I should appreciate it more, but I just can’t. *shrugs*

[gaytog]

Some updates on my life, for interested parties:

Yesterday I kissed @argentconflagration goodbye at the airport. We’ve been living together for more than eight months now. It’s been wonderful, really and truly wonderful, and I’m really sad that our relationship is going to go back to long-distance for (probably) two years. But I’m also really happy, because they landed a high-paying job in their field!

Now that I’m alone in this apartment, I’ve gotta like... go make friends. Meet up with people. If I stay here by myself all the time my mental health is probably going to take a nosedive.

I’m back in school part-time taking two classes working toward an English degree. I’m enjoying both the classes so far: one is about labor organizing, the other is a basic English 102 course taught by a communist. I really do think I want to be a fiction editor, so I’m trying to make the connections that will allow that to happen, since at the moment I have zero formal experience editing.

I have discovered the therapeutic and rejuvenating power of cleaning. Doing the dishes especially has been an amazingly helpful tool for keeping my life in order. It’s not just that cleaning puts me into a productive mindset which allows me to do other things--cleaning is, in and of itself, rewarding. One day I actually went to bed with a big fucking grin on my face for the sole reason that I’d spent the entire evening doing chores and cleaning stains off the kitchen floor. (Come to think of it, I wonder if I’d enjoy picking up trash around my neighborhood...)

I’ve been playing less Magic in the last few weeks than I normally do. I think this is a direct result of spending more time cleaning, plus some coincidences that have kept me away from weekly events at my local game store. I don’t feel particularly bad about this. I do still want Magic to be part of my life, but a smaller part: I don’t think it needs to be all-consuming.

Likewise, Tumblr hasn’t been as all-consuming lately as it can be, and I’m happy. A few months ago I wrote that I was thinking of quitting Tumblr. I believe I’ve identified the core problems and have mostly addressed them. I still check my activity more often than I’d like, but overall my relationship with the site is more fulfilling than it used to be.

The biggest problem is that when I’m not careful, Tumblr tends to be the default thing I do whenever I open up my computer, to the detriment of other things. As it happens, the solution has not been trying to spend less time on Tumblr. I’ve simply started to do other things--like coursework, cleaning, or reading for pleasure--more. I’m also no longer using a queue, so I don’t feel the need to log on every night and double-check the queued posts.

Writing Undertale meta has been a lot of fun. Generally, writing about my interests as the fancy strikes me continues to be a lot of fun. I am still entertaining the idea of creating a Wordpress or three to revise and cross-post some of my stuff. I think I’m done with UT for now, even though the post I originally set out to write (and from which the last three effortposts all emerged as I got sidetracked) still hasn’t been finished.

SO YEAH that’s me. Next time someone irl asks me how I’m doing I’m just gonna link them to this post.