#i’m not even sure saying I had a gay phase is ok | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lunarcat982 · 8 months ago

Text

aaaaa sry this took ages to come out cos procrastination lol, so this chapter 2 i hope u enjoy it!! pls maybe reblog if u like it but no pressure!! i'd js love some feedback :)

Chapter 2

Meet Elliot

Elliot:

Elliot rested his head on the vibrating window of his family car. This, of course hurt him and yet he still let it rest there, endlessly bashing against the hard glass. He peered up at the warm sky, a watercolour mixture of pinks and oranges, creating a beautiful mid-summer sunset, the spectacle made him smile. Looking away from the sky, he glanced at his phone: 18:09. Behind him was his family’s bags and belongings, although his was nothing more than a small backpack and computer. This of course was all he really needed, fanfictions were his main and probably unhealthy source of entertainment.

As the old car drove toward the family’s new house, Elliot managed to snag a look at a shirtless boy in the early September heat, his skin tanned and chest hairless, he looked around 17 to 18 and he made Elliot smile, as the beauty of the sky had done just before. A year ago, he would’ve started feeling sick toward himself at finding pleasure in this. He’d known he was… gay, (it still felt weird to say it even now) for 2 years now and had only recently, finally accepted the revelation. At first, of course when he was only 11, he denied it, said it was ‘all just a phase’, and of course, it wasn’t. Later on, he got angry, started telling himself he was weird, stupid, a “freak”, but it never got to the stage of mental illness, he hoped. After that it was more denial, a year’s worth of denial actually, and lots of crying; but eventually it was enough, there was no use ignoring something he already knew was true, and he simply had to live with it. However, this didn’t stop him from keeping it to himself, the kids at his school certainly wouldn’t have taken kindly to it, and his mum… he didn’t know, he just didn't want to yet, he didn’t know why. He was a coward.

Anyway, he definitely wouldn’t be coming out in this new town they were moving to, he’d been doing his research, and this place had one of the highest suicide rates in the area, all of the suspects belonging to the LGBTQ+ family; so, it wasn’t a stretch to assume this place wouldn’t take kindly to him either.

With that the car came to a halt, and his mother opened the car door, leaving and slamming it back into place afterward. This woke Elliot from his daze-like state of recall, and he suddenly became aware of himself, leaving the car.

“Ok, we’re here honey” his mother said using the soft smile she used countless times to comfort him when she saw he was nervous. Shit, he was showing it.

He managed a meek smile in return, trying to hide his true emotions now.

“I’m sure you’ll find lots of new friends here,” “and I promise we’re not moving again,” she held his arm while saying this, using that same smile, it worked. Although he was certain that first sentence, she said was going to be false, he never made friends, and people in school often fucked with him because of it. He had the wonderful thing called social anxiety to thank for that of course. His mum knew about the whole no friends part, but the rest he’d managed to keep to himself; he loved her. He did, but she was overprotective and doubting of his self-awareness, and wouldn’t skip a heartbeat to make the family move across the country if she found out about the bullying, and would see his belief in his social anxiety as a rebellious attention seeking action, or some shit like that. That would hurt him, maybe more than the bullies.

It wasn’t until his mother had left his side and started to unpack the car until he realised, he’d dazed off again reviewing his mess of thoughts and emotions across the past few months. Elliiot snapped out of it and turned one eighty degrees on the spot. He liked swivelling round like that, didn’t know why it was just fun.

He proceeded to help both his mother, and apparently sister now unload the trunk of the car. “Were u sleeping againn?” he heard his younger sister ask, while he picked up his turquoise bag out of the car. “ha-ha, no you silly goose, it's called daydreaming,” she was only nine and he tried his best to hide from her the struggles of his world. Certain times were more successful than others, but still she remained blissfully ignorant, he envied her for that.

He lifted his backpack and swung it onto his back heading toward the house, newly purchased by his mother. However, no sooner did he do this when he glimpsed his sister’s vibrant ginger pig tails in the sunlight shining for seconds, before fading to their natural colour; both him and his sister had ginger hair, his being curlier than hers- they’d gotten it from their father. Elliot frowned and looked down when the idea of him sprung into his head; he wasn’t here anymore, he didn’t want to be; he went shortly after Luna, his sister, was born. She was diagnosed with autism at a very young age, and he… couldn’t handle it. The fucker. No doubt, he was a terrible father before this, he often got drunk, and if he’d stuck around much longer, Elliot would have had to deal with him physically. Besides, his mother was on the brink of divorcing him before he left, they didn’t love each other, not anymore. Elliot could tell that from a very young age. Anyway, he didn’t want to think about it for too long.

shit! He’d done it again, daydreaming, this was getting tiresome now, he was tired, that’s why kept going off into his thoughts like this. The car journey had been long and the past month’s events had been draining.

Elliot strode towards his new front door, not before seeing a boy with thick black hair walk slowly toward a house a few 10s of metres across from his own. The boy was red in the face and for a moment he thought he saw a tear drop from his cheeks, he was cute. Elliot stared for a few more moments, before finally deciding it was time for a rest, as he walked upstairs to his new bed, he tried to stop thinking about the boy; it was stupid he probably wasn’t going to see him again, and yet the face kept appearing in his head. Great, 10 minutes into a new town and you already have a new impossible crush. Elliot tried to stop his thoughts about the boy after this, he threw himself onto the mattress of his bed, and slept for 10 hours after that. His dreams in the sky, no one there to feel his pain, and ready to live life somewhere new.

Untitled book

ok so here's chapter 1 of a story I'm writing I've already written the first 3 chapters so will prob post them at some point. Also this is rly long so if u want me to post further chapters like split into different posts or something js say! and pls give ideas and feedback (it won't be perfect so I'll defo need like improvements lol) :))

Chapter 1

Meet Felix

Felix sighed as he walked down the crowded hallway of his school, his thoughts drowning in the chatter and enjoyment within his peers. you could vaguely hear his timid footsteps echo around the school. He had bags under his eyes with a tint of red. He’d been crying again. It was so hard sometimes… It hurt. He couldn’t bear it. It was the end of another day just like the others, painful, emotionless and hell. Felix's phone buzzed in his blazer pocket, probably mum or dad asking him for something as they always do. Oh… it was Isabell. They used to be friends a few weeks back, good friends, but she said she wanted to find some new ‘people’ and maybe find love, or some generic shit like that anyway. He couldn't remember what she said exactly, but it didn’t help with his mental state, she was one of the few people who kept him at least a little happy in this fucked up world. Haha probably the only person, and then when she went away, he couldn’t help feeling empty and alone, not even his parents talked to him anymore.

Apparently, she wanted to meet him somewhere today at 4:00, she wanted to talk about how things are going and maybe hang out a bit more. Felix managed a meek smile, maybe he did have someone to relate to, maybe his existence wasn’t so meaningless. He was getting his hopes up, that was the mistake.

Felix walked up the steep hill that led to the long winding road that accommodated his house. His feet gently smothered browning leaves that had recently fallen from their respective branches. He had already started conjuring up what to say, what to ask. The only problem was getting out of his house after he was in it, of course mum would start bombarding him with questions about girlfriends if he brought up the fact he was going out with a girl. He would have to lie, not that it meant anything, it was almost instinctive now. He just couldn't get why they didn't understand he wasn't interested in any girls! It angered him more than it should have.

He had arrived, he stood tiresomely in front of the bleak grey door he knew only too well; something about impressing the neighbours, his mum had said. Lazily he pulled on the handle and slowly opened and closed the door. Nothing, he was safe. Carefully Felix ascended the stairs and changed into something more suitable than his confining uniform; and yet even after this he still felt constricted by his parents' choice of clothes, he yearned for something more… expressive. It-it didn't matter now, he had to go, he was going to be late. He was downstairs now, and was about to leave, but.

��And just where do you think you’re goin?” her voice was slurred and slow, she had been drinking again. Felix sighed, “I-I’m going to see a friend”

“Which friend!” His mother snapped at him drawing another gulp of wine from one of her already half empty glasses.

“It’s a boy mum! Okay?” Felix said, actively avoiding looking at the mess, which was his birth mother, he couldn’t stand to see anyone, not even her like this.

“Eugh, fuckin’ hell Felix, you keep on seein’ all these boys, you’re gonna end up a fag,”

Felix shut his eyes and tried ignoring the comment, even though the anger was begging to be let out. He never supported his mum’s or, well, the whole town's view on the LGBTQ+ community. But he couldn’t think about that right now, he needed to go, and with that his mum slunk back into the living room in which all the blinds were drawn down, and Felix swung the door open and slammed it shut behind him, ready to see an old friend.

He was starting to smile more now, he felt heavy weights he’d been carrying for God knows how long lift off him. He felt a sense of escape rush over him; escape from his family? guilt? He wasn’t sure, but it made him feel better and that's all that mattered right now. And then it hit him, they hadn’t even organised an area to meet up. That was stupid of him. He quickly pried the phone from his pocket and texted asking to meet at… maybe Grey Heart woods? Yeah, that was a good place, he had an idea of something to show her. Felix smiled at the thought of this, he hadn’t been given the chance to express his interests for a long while now and he was eager to do so. His phone buzzed in his hand “yh ok” she replied.

15 minutes later Felix was outside the field by Grey Heart woods, he used to hang out here, back when everything was simpler, and he didn’t feel alone all the time. This was where he first met Isabell, they were both 13, wow 2 years ago. Heh, time flies when you have nothing to do with your life.

At this moment Felix realised Isabell was nowhere to be seen, he checked his phone: 16:01. She was late, eh it was ok people are often late- he had suggested the meeting spot rather late. It only bothered him when he was late, he couldn’t stand that- it made him very uncomfortable; he still wasn’t sure why.

5 minutes passed and eventually he saw her come out of an opening to the right. She still had glasses although they were new, a ginger ponytail hung from the back of her head and she seemed more confident than the last team he saw her, taller too. He put on a smile and tried cleaning the mop of black hair that draped over his forehead. In truth he was nervous, it had been so long, and he didn’t want to lose this like he lost it before.

They walked towards each other, both smiling, “H-hi!” he said, raising a hand to wave, his attempts at hiding his nervous-ness were poor. “Hellooo!” she giggled. He smiled at this, she hadn’t changed, quirky and weird.

“Heheh, so how have you been? It's been a long time, "he said, more confident now. “Well, let's see, parents still divorced check, no friends check, oh! And still single, definitely check," "and you?” she asked with a beaming smile.

“Wow ok, let me think, I’ve been rotting away in my room, been crying in the school bathrooms and been completely and utterly alone,” he said, hinting at how much her sudden leaving hurt him.

“Yeah, I’ll cheers to that!” She said, distracted, looking into the woods to the left of them both. “So, you wanna go in?” she asked signalling towards the woods

“Um yeah sure,” “I actually have something to show you!” he said remembering what he was planning. “Oh, you do, do you?” she said once again with that cheeky smile.

They’d been walking for around 5 minutes into the woods now and Isabell was getting restless, “when are we getting there?” she asked.

“Hehe don’t worry we’re nearly there, I promise”,

she wasn’t convinced, he could tell. And she was starting to move her body closer to his as they walked. That was... new, eh it's probably nothing.

Finally, the pair came to a stop in front of a large tree, around 5 metres up the trunk were 10 wooden planks nailed into various branches, although some appeared to be losing their grip and leaning off the edges. “Um what's this?”

“A treehouse!” He said. He was feeling more open with her now, he didn’t mind her judgement.

“okayy , how are we gonna get up?” she said a little more interested now.

“Ladder!” he said, smiling and gesturing towards an arrangement of horizontal wooden slabs scaling the trunk of the tree.

Isabell frowned at the state of the wood but climbed it, nevertheless. Felix followed her up, close behind, smiling more and more. He missed this place.

Eventually, the two of them had reached the top, Felix was surprised at how well the place had held up, only a few patches of moss growing here and there. “So, what were you gonna bring me up here for again?” She said, her voice smoother and fluid. It was probably just him.

“Well,” he said, a little nervous, again, “I actually wanted to show you something I’m really interested in… paradoxes!” he said, smiling once more.

She frowned at this, “what?” she said coldly.

“Y'know, a statement or question that contra-”

“Are you kidding me?”

“W-what?”

“I’ve been acting like all nice for you, like we used to be” “And this is what I get…” “Felix, I LIKE you”

“I” He didn't know what to do, he was panicking and confused.

She sighed, “I guess I’ll have to do it myself” she whispered as to not let him hear. He did. “Felix, I’m sorry” she started cooing, that same smooth tone in her voice again, “come on we can just be together, I Know you like me” she started moving towards him on her hands and knees. He froze, he didn’t know what to do and was so confused. She was on him now. “W-” he managed to get the start of a word out before she pressed her lips against his own, closing her eyes she moved her hand to his cheek. He felt her tongue progressing towards his mouth, his back now pressed against the wood beneath him, as she leaned into him. He was scared, so scared, he didn’t like this. Without thinking he pushed against her, releasing himself from her clutch. She got back onto her knees and looked at him with disgust. He hadn't realised, he was now crying, and his eyes were now red with worry. “Fuck you!” she said now angry, “Y-you freak!” she was hurt too, and he could tell in her voice she was on the brink of tears herself. Without warning she descended the ladder two steps at a time, and ran away from him, all the while he sat there, tears rolling down his red cheeks. Felix sat there for half an hour more, crying harder than he had in months, as that word repeated over and over in his head, “Freak”.

#lgbtq+#lgbtqia #books and reading #books #creative writing #writer stuff #writing stuff #writers things #writeblr #writers on tumblr #story #art #chapter 2 #gayboy

16 notes · View notes

nadia-zahra · 2 years ago

Text

Deeper Dive on Mike and his Gay Feelings

To give context to Mike’s s3 behavior first:

Like I said in my first deep dive on Mike, at the snowball he realizes he feels romantically towards Will and begins his “I don’t like like Will, I’m normal 😃” phase. Normal for him means being heteronormative. Mike thinks acting like a smartass, only spending time making out with your girlfriend, and not wanting to play d&d is what normal teenagers do. This is because of the influence both Ted and Steve had on him in s1. Y’all forget that Steve did literally everything I just listed when he was with Nancy and Ted makes subtle, but homophobic comments ab Will and Mike throughout the show. It makes sense that Mike thinks acting like a douchebag is what’s normal people do because that’s literally all he’s ever learned.

MAJOR MF EDIT OMG: I'm so angry with myself. After this has been up for a few weeks now AND I have reread this post at least three dozen times to make sure my message came across exactly how I wanted it to, I've just realized I didn't clarify Mike didn't know he wasn't romantically into El. Mike doesn't realize he's not romantically in love with El until 3x6. Before, he was confusing his platonic feelings for romantic ones. pls future readers know that whenever I discuss his feelings ab El before the cabin scene he isn't aware that his feelings for her are not romantic. He's not completely using El as a way to repress his gay feelings for Will, he genuinely thinks he like likes her because of his desire to be heteronormal/like girls. This post disproves the bi mike theory and mileven--just casually killing two birds with one stone lol (except bi mike is a national treasure)

Alright, *cracks neck and knuckles* let’s get into s3.

3x1 right off the bat lets us know mileven isn’t healthy. The first scene of these two is them making out, El puts her hands on him, he takes them off, he starts being goofy and sings the song that’s playing, and El doesn’t like it so she shuts him up by kissing him. Ok so Mike doesn’t like getting touched by El romantically…cool cool. This also gives us our first hint at how Mike and El are not compatible— he likes being silly and singing along to songs and she doesn’t. Just one of the ways we’re shown they don’t have similar interests.

After Hop busts them making out, Mike leaves and mileven has a brief lil convo over walkies. This talk shows us they are not equally emotionally invested in their relationship. El lovingly says “I miss you”, he replies “yeah. Me too”. He has annoyance in his voice--like he just wants to get off the walkie. El doesn’t pick up on it, but it’s clear as day from our pov. What’s really odd, though, is Mike not telling El about going to the movies with lumax and Will. Does this mean he’s never mentioned all the other times too?? Why doesn’t he tell her if it’s just the four of them hanging out?? Well...if he’s not telling El now its safe to assume he hasn’t before. Mike never telling her ab the hangouts implies he feels guilty for having more fun at the movies with Will than making out with her. He doesn’t want El to know he dislikes spending all their time together kissing, so he just lets her assume he’s sadly going home. El is clearly more emotionally invested with this relationship and genuinely has lovey feelings for Mike, but he only feels platonically towards El, even after they start dating.

Mike arrives at the mall where he meets lumax and Will to go to the movies. Lucas says three things that are important: 1) Mike’s late again 2) makes fun of mileven for only making out 3) calls these hangouts romantic time with Max. First gonna dissect the last thing I listed because Lucas basically calling it a double date lets us know the tone of these hangouts. They’re romantic in nature, it’s not just four friends hanging out. If lumax thinks it’s a double date...and Will wants it to be a double date...then Mike also senses it’s a double date. Another reason why he doesn’t tell El about them. Second, Lucas (and later Robin) mentions this isn’t the first one. The four of them have done this MULTIPLE TIMES. Mike hasn’t been on a romantic date with El btw, he’s literally only ever shown on one with Will. Like if the writers wanted us to believe mileven is emotionally connected and romantic, then they would’ve made a different opening milkvan scene. Lastly, Lucas makes fun of him for only making out with El. This is really important because it tells us that the characters in stranger things notice this relationship isn’t healthy!!!

*milkvans speaking* But El is his first gf ofc they’re going to make out all the time! no. incorrect. wrong answer. lumax and duzie (idk is that what they’re callied lol) are great examples of how that ain’t true. Max is Lucas’s first gf and even he gets that it’s weird to want to ONLY make out. Suzie is also Dustin’s first girlfriend and they bond over The Never-Ending Story, not swapping spit.

When Mike replies with “Yeah it’s so funny I want to spend romantic time with my girlfriend” it got me thinking…does Mike think this is how dating is supposed to be?? And yeah, he does!!! He doesn’t understand how to build a deeper romantic relationship with El because he doesn't know his feelings for her are platonic. Mike’s just doing what he thinks he’s supposed to do. It proves to himself and others that he’s normal by forcing himself and El to make out (yes I said he’s forcing el I’ll discuss that later). Hopper is the second person to talk ab how mileven only making out is weird. It doesn’t help that Mike acts like an ass towards him, but he acts like that towards Hop because it’s a part of his new douchebag facade. Just gonna throw byler moments here: Mike gets defensive when Will agrees with Lucas, byler hardcore blushing at the movies, Mike staring at Will for roughly 24s while Will is having his war flashbacks, and both of them looking at each other’s lips multiple times in less than 6s.

3x2 Mike lies to El ab his nana and their very fragile relationship begins to untwine. Now I have to say this, Mike 100% wasn’t forced to lie and make up an excuse on why they couldn’t hang out. Hopper threatened to not let him see El again, but he covered the lie up by telling her Mike’s nana was fine. We never did get to hear what hop told mike, but Hopper doing this means he would’ve been ok with Mike coming over the next day as long as he didn’t act like a smartass and kept the door open three inches. Mike chose to add to the nana lie. Even after El asks him straight up if he’s lying he says no. Why would he continue to lie to her when he clearly had a way out?? To put it frankly: Mike didn’t want to spend his afternoon making out with El when he doesn’t even enjoy doing it. Ik…crazy…but Mike knows he’s shit at lying, so he heads to the mall with Lucas and Will to buy her an apology gift.

The whole present/mall situation is the biggest clue to how Mike and El just aren’t compatible from s3. He knows he needs to apologize, but he doesn’t know what she would like because he doesn’t know literally anything ab her interests. The only present he could find for her was too expensive (and Will coded), so he just ended up not buying anything for her. Dude what?! She would’ve been happy with literally anything. Ffs she says in this episode “how do I know if I like something”. The elmax scenes just further prove milkvan doesn’t work because it is quite literally “El being really happy because there’s more to life than stupid boys”.

I’m trying not to add the subtext byler clues to this but I just think this one’s funny: Lucas sprays a purple (mileven color) perfume on Mike, and he makes a super disgusted face lol

El breaks up with mike when her and max see the guys at the mall. I love this for her honestly because this was her first step into being independent and finally living the way she wants to live!!! Back to Mike and his gay feelings— from this point moving forward, Mike thinks they’re broken up. Ik you might think this is a weird thing to say cause like…no dipshit sherlock…but trust me you have to keep this in mind.

THE MOTHERF**KING RAIN SCENE

I was going to do a whole other post on the rain scene because it’s so much, but I figured I should just keep it in here because this is a deep dive on ALL of s3 mike and his gay feelings. You have been warned 😶‍🌫️

This scene and what we’ve seen leading up from Mike’s pov is A LOT different than Will’s.

At the snowball Mike realized he like likes Will due to his jealous insecurity that someday Will’s going to replace him. His new personality is the result of this realization. And Mike’s personality change leads to him pushing Will away emotionally. Him making excuses on why they can’t play (Lucas is down to, Mike is the one that’s making all the excuses) and openly making fun of Will during the game (Lucas actually never makes fun of Will, he just laughs at mikes joke) are all a part of the facade.

Here’s the thing: Mike doesn’t know a) Will’s gay and doesn’t want to be normal b) Will like likes him back. He genuinely believes that their special friendship, the extremely deep and emotional bond they share, is all in his head— all just a childish, one-sided crush. Mike literally couldn’t tell Will was upset all summer because of his own insecurities in their friendship blinding him, not because he was so invested in menthol cigarettes.

Will snapping (rightfully so) and leaving the basement finally gets Mike to pay attention to the other’s feelings. He thinks Will’s just upset over him not wanting to play d&d, but getting called out for being flakey and not caring ab the party makes Mike realize he’s noticed everything. You can see in Mike’s face he’s gonna defend his shitty behavior (he always plays defense in fights). But when Will throws in the “you’re destroying everything and for what? So you can swap spit with some stupid girl?!” Mike loses it.

Now the miscommunication comes in clutch. Both of them interpret the bolded sentence in different ways. Mike’s version: You’re destroying everything because you like making out with a girl who’s literally dumb. Will’s version: Your destroying everything because you like girls.

And Mikes response, “El’s not stupid! It’s not my fault you don’t like girls”, was also interpreted two different ways. Mike’s: El is smart, and it’s not my fault you haven’t grown up yet. Will’s: El is smart, and it’s not my fault you’re gay.

Yeahhhh the duffers were lying their asses off back when they said it’s not supposed to be interpreted as calling Will out. Everyone INCLUDING WILL heard it that way. It was written deliberately as “you don’t like girls” for a reason. Why else would Will get so upset when he’s canonically gay? We can all safely assume they lied because they didn’t want Will’s sexuality to be known yet.

OMG I JUST HAD A REALIZATION OF MY OWN. Idk where to put it so here it is: Mike’s whole thought processing with his crush on Will being childish is because he thinks Will is straight and still in the prepubescent mindset of “no romantic feelings exist I’m pure of mind girls have cooties 😇”. And at the snowball he sees a glimpse of Will being out of the child mindset, hence Mike begins wanting to grow-up. Anyways…

Mike can tell from the expression on Will’s face he’s gone too far. Now he’s not defensive because he can now see that he was unintentionally hurting Will all summer, and that his remark was below the belt (he doesn’t actually get the real reason why Will is upset, he just thinks he does because of miscommunication).

Mike’s rationalization for his shitty behavior is what he realized he’s afraid of back at the snowball. That Will is going to get a gf someday, and the two of them aren’t going to play d&d in his basement forever. He truly believes emotionally pulling away is saving him from a hell-reality where Will loves someone else more than him. Since he thinks all his questions are just facts, he thinks Will also believes this. Up until Will responds with “Yeah, I guess I did. I really did”. That completely shatters Mike’s false reality. Now knows literally every single word he’s said just made things ten times worse. All he’s thinking now is “if I don’t apologize for everything I just said, I’m actually going to lose Will”.

I’m ignoring Mike + Lucas going to the byers house and apologizing.

Wait! Before you scrutinize me for acting like this cute scene doesn’t exist, let me explain!

The fight scene takes place in the day and the boys going to the byers happens at night. Why? Idk. If you just watch it once you don’t think ab the time difference, but when you do, you unconsciously write it off as Mike waiting for the rain to stop…except it never did. The show doesn’t explain the time jump and instead acts like it didn’t happen. I’ve really tried to think of a plausible answer to Mike + Lucas waiting and this is the only one I could find: when rewatching the show for my notes on this analysis, I noticed time is nonexistent s3. Almost every scene in s3 has a clock, but time in scenes and the order of sequence don’t match up. The time inconsistency within s3 is a whole other can of worms I am not smart enough to tackle, and I’m not going to act like I understand why the duffers chose to make the destruction of caste byers + this byler scene at night. Also ignoring it because if you take it out nothing changes in their dynamic from mike’s pov. He still wants to properly apologize, but he doesn’t because a) mind flayer is back and b) last byler scene happens but we’ll get to that later.

Other things from 3x3: El can’t tell if Mike’s a good kisser. This means she doesn’t really enjoy making out with him (she def thinks his kissing is a 3/10), but doesn’t want to admit it because she thinks Mike enjoys it. Like I get her not knowing what types of clothes she wants to wear, but her body is telling her she’s not that into it. Also means that Mike is the one in control of their relationship if she’s just kissing him because she thinks that’s what he wants. The sexist convo between Lucas and Mike highlights Mike’s internalized homophobia and inner turmoil ab not being normal. He claims, “women act on emotion, no logic”, but it’s just him projecting-- he obviously doesn’t believe this. Mike saying this means he’s bullied himself for having a very emotional friendship with Will (being girly/emotional=gay=not normal). And Mike is definitely lying ab not knowing why El is mad at him, and him acting clueless is just a part of the persona. Ffs the whole reason she caught him is because they couldn’t find an apology gift for lying to her.

This is something I haven’t touched yet (I probably should’ve by now whoops): Mike is not against El gaining independence, he’s against El not needing him in her life anymore. He sees himself as kind of her yoda; he was the first one to gain her trust and to teach her ab life outside the lab. He thinks she needs him as a friendly mentor figure, not as a loving boyfriend. He doesn’t understand that he can’t tell her how life is supposed to be like anymore because that was their dynamic before dating. S3 she’s not fresh out the lab or new to this world; she knows enough ab life now and wants to figure out her own opinions/interests with a supportive boyfriend.

Anyways back to Mike’s internalized homophobia...

3x4 is the beginning of Mike looking at Will in a different light than he has been all summer. Will admitting he thought it was gonna be them together forever made Mike feel less insecure ab believing this too. He still thinks their friendship is on the rocks, but at least he knows now Will wanted to play d&d together forever before the fight. This episode introduces Mike’s “new” body language of subtly (not subtly) sitting/ standing weirdly close to him and way more secret glances. Sadly, he’s still trying to cling to milkvan instead of facing his insecurities.

Mike and El meet for the first time post-breakup. If you take his playful joking at face value, it’s weird and insensitive towards her. But really he just forgot for a sec that they were on bad terms. Why? idk maybe because byler got into their biggest fight ever the day before, he’s scared and stressed ab the mind flayer being back, and the party is literally grabbing stuff to capture Billy (the scariest person in the show besides Vecna). Personally, I don’t blame him for joking with El ab the dummy to kinda lighten the mood.

Mike thinks he’s gonna reel El back into a relationship by doing the exact thing that made her break up with him: by lying his ass off. Says Hopper told him to lie (no he didn’t Hopper cleared it up), she’s the most important person to him in the world (again a lie seeing as he never even apologized for the nana lie), and that Hop’s just some crazy, old man who thinks they spend too much time together (only true thing he says but weirdly enough it sounds like the weakest point). In the past El has just gone with everything Mike’s told her, so he’s shocked when she agrees with Hop on them spending too much time together. Interesting how out of all the things he says, El outwardly agrees with only the true one.....

Mike doesn’t still get that their relationship wasn’t healthy; that they can’t actually be a good couple if all they do is make out every day and don’t get to know each other. El basically saying “we’re done. I don’t want to get back together because I spied on you, heard some awful shit, and want to make my own opinions” destroys his idea of their dynamic. Before this, Mike felt in control of it (cause he was), but now she doesn’t just go along with everything he says. Now he knows El truly meant it when she dumped his ass. And ofc instead of admitting to himself she came to this conclusion on her own before the spying situation, he chooses this delusional ass mindset: he’s been spied on by elmax, meaning El trusts Max more than Mike, meaning Max somehow brainwashed El into dumping him and are now conspiring against him.

I feel like I shouldn’t have to add this, but I will just so that Ik me and whoever is reading this are on the same page: Mike cares for El--platonically, like a sister. Ofc he didn’t think twice ab grabbing the metal pipe and whacking Billy with it. It wasn’t a romantic gesture it was literally him saving El from murder.

3x5 begins the “conspiring against me” ordeal. To be blunt, Mike gaslit himself into believing Max and El are conspiring against him and is unsuccessfully trying to gaslight everyone else too. For Mike, admitting to anyone (including himself) that their relationship wasn’t working confirms his insecurity ab not being normal. He’s fully choosing to believe two of his best friends are plotting against him rather than face the reality of mileven being over because it wasn’t good for either of them.

THE HOSPITAL SCENES

Mike thinks mileven is done. El has clearly said multiple times now she’s done and he’s accepted it. If Lucas didn’t tell him it was an olive branch then Mike wouldn’t have even thought twice ab the vending machine exchange. And even after Lucas explains it’s a sign El wants him back without explicitly saying “she wants you back”, Mike still thinks it’s an olive branch to get back on good terms and to go back as besties!! Mike offering her m&m’s wasn’t a way to show her he’s still boyfriend material, it was to show he’s still best friend material!! And because Mike is oblivious, he doesn’t notice El blushing and smiling like a freaking idiot!! Rewatch the scene, he literally blinks in her direction twice he ain’t noticing shit!!

3x6 is the climax of Mike’s s3 arc. He’s still desperately trying to convince everyone he’s being conspired against by elmax, but now Max is done with his bullshit and calls him out for being controlling. He knows they aren’t getting together, but he wants everyone to believe the breakup’s not his fault (he’s normal he liked dating El) it’s because of Max. He doesn’t see his behavior as controlling because he views himself as El’s life guru who makes decisions for her; it’s why he thinks the evil, conspiring Max is framing him to be sexist. He’s already getting defensive (he’s so shit at explaining himself omg) but Nancy joining in just makes it worse. He knows what Nancy and Max are telling him is true-- that El isn’t stupid and knows her limits. But Mike literally just got back into her good graces, they’re friends again and he doesn’t want El to kill herself looking for a monster they aren’t prepared for.

His whole speech is literally what I’ve just explained except he did a worse job at explaining himself lmfaoooo.

Every single person heard him loud and clear say he loves El, and every single one of them thinks Mike is in love with her now. Mike looks stunned that he even said that out loud and he knows no one interpreted it as a platonic Ily. This is the moment Mike is done wanting to date El and is done ACTING NORMAL!!!! Hearing himself say that made him realize he can’t continue dating her and that he doesn’t even want to; Mike doesn’t want to be in a relationship where he's not in love!!! He’s accepted that he doesn’t want to date El (and probably all girls)!!! HE’S OKAY WITH BEING NOT NORMAL!!!!

When he sees El walk out of the bathroom, he looks scared. He didn’t want El to hear him say it. Mike can act as straight as he wants but saying I Love You is too far. He knows it’s really really hurtful to lie to her about this and that if she heard the accidental ily he wouldn’t be able to back out of it. That’s why he acts like nothing happened afterward.

3x7 reaffirms Mike doesn’t want to date El anymore with the grocery store scene. When he says, “I’ve been meaning to tell you something”, he’s not going to say “I love you”. We all know that because he didn’t say it back at the cabin, can’t even say “Love Makes You Crazy” and ffs s4 happens. What he’s been meaning to tell her is an apology for his shitty behavior towards elmax, that he’s okay with them not dating, and that he’s happy for El’s new friendship.

Mike says he was jealous of El and Max hanging out all the time. Now I don’t think he realizes this, but he wasn’t jealous of them spending time together—he was jealous that El wasn’t listening to Mike anymore and was using Max as her life yoda now. You may think I’m putting words into his mouth, but if you rewatch the first episode you’ll remember he was in a hurry to leave El’s and half-heartedly said he missed her... not very clingy of him is it. And elmax was essentially Max telling her she doesn’t have to listen to anyone and to explore herself, something Mike never did for El.

Mike saying “I just, like, I’ve never felt like this, you know, with anyone before” isn’t about romantic love it’s about platonic love! He hasn’t gone through losing any of his friends like he has with El. He’s never had to mentor or guide any of his friends except El. Will is someone he romantically loves, and Mike’s unique love for him is very different from his unique love for her. His love for her is special and only something he’s ever felt for specifically her. And Mike understands his feelings for her, hence bringing up love makes you crazy. And once again, Mike wants to slap himself for speaking without thinking. There’s not a doubt in my mind he 150% didn’t think about who he was talking ab love with when he said that. He doesn’t want her to get the wrong idea, like worst case scenario for Mike is El thinking he is in love with her and wants to get back together. That’s why he goes out of his way to NOT say the L word.

I just wanna say thank you to every person that read this entire post I’ve spent days working on this and it means a lot <33333

3x8 THE BIG KAHUNA MOVING DAYYYYYY

By this point in the show, Mike has grown a hell of a lot. He’s done wanting to be in a relationship with El, he’s done acting like a douchebag, and he’s finally comfortable admitting to himself he’s not normal. Byler has been on the back burner since 3x3, but Mike has felt distant from Will and insecure in their friendship since the fight. He never really got a chance to apologize with everything going on, and now that Will’s leaving for Lenora it seems like their friendship is never going to be the same...

until...

“Yeah, but, what if you wanna join another party?”

This is the moment. THE MF MOMENT Mike knows he’s in love with Will!! His confident “not possible” confirms to Mike that even after all the shit they’d been through-- Mike being left behind at the snowball, pushing Will away all summer, the rain fight, and not speaking to each other after the mind flayer’s return--they are still their own separate team. It basically takes away the insecurities he had about their relationship. This simple “not possible” tells him Will still wants to play d&d together forever, and that the fight they had was just a fight... one they could come back from. It lets Mike know he’s never been crazy or stupid for thinking their bond was different, and it lets Mike think he has a chance with Will.

Mike sees El struggling for the teddy bear and decides to help. He’s still definitely thinking about Will, you can tell because of his body language. He’s super smiley, he’s fidgeting out all his excess happy adrenaline (I bet he wanted to take a victory lap after talking with Will), and even though he’s talking to El he can’t help but bring up Will in the conversation. He is so happy and care-free that he starts talking about how excited he is to open presents with Will and El on Christmas Day; this brings Mike back down to earth because he gets embarrassed for sounding like a kid and thinks he just weirded El out with his awkward ass.

He thinks El is leaving the room as he silently cringes at himself, but then she turns around and starts talking about the cabin scene. Mike knows where this is going, so he immediately starts acting clueless and like he didn’t say ily super loud. He asks “What did I say exactly” because he wants to make sure she didn’t hear ily...because that’s what he assumed when it originally happened (rewatch the cabin scene it was meant to look that way). He’s super fucking confused on why El’s walking fast towards him and suddenly in his face and--

“I love you too” *aggressively starts kissing him*

He’s in shock BIG TIME. What you all are witnessing is Mike’s worst-case scenario come true and his reaction to what was possibly the worst thing that could happen in that moment. He’s not going to kiss back, he’s still processing what the hell just happened. He’s looking at El, just standing there with her suctioned on his face, with eyes wide and a face silently screaming “What the HELL just happened?!”

After the kiss and El leaves is when it sets in.

Mike is screwed. He doesn’t have a good excuse to break up with her. He can’t say he doesn’t love her because El just said she heard him say it back at the cabin. And he couldn’t possibly explain he’s in love with Will, there’s just no way (even though she doesn’t know anything about society’s problem with queer folk)! So, he promises himself this, he’s not going to lead her on. He’s not going to say ily and he’s just going to treat her like a friend until she breaks up with him again.

The time finally comes for the Byers to leave and Mike’s really fucking sad. His bff of 5 years old/crush is going away--possibly forever. He can’t play with Will in his basement like they used to, he can’t see or talk to Will everyday like he has his whole life. Mike was just reassured by Will that their relationship will never change, after having lost him this whole season, but now it hits him he doesn’t know that for sure. He’s losing Will and El again, but this time he can’t save them.

Then we get literally the most heartbreaking montage of Hopper’s letter fitting into each character’s emotions, and ofc he says “I don’t want things to change” as Mike leaves the Byer’s empty home and “maybe that’s why I came here, to stop the change. To turn back the clock. To make things go back to how they were.” as he cries in his mom’s arms.

Mike begins his “I’m in love with Will, but I have to act like I’m not because El loves me and he doesn’t 😃” phase that plays throughout s4. But it takes a turn when he starts noticing some sus behavior from Will and realizes maybe Will does like like him. but that’s for another byler analysis.

#byler #byler proof #byler theory #everything points to byler #byler nation #byler brainrot #byler for the win #byler is real #will byers #mike wheeler #mike wheeler is gay #mike wheeler is queer #mike wheeler i know what you are #mike x will #will x mike #stranger things #st3 rewatch

282 notes · View notes

swappwas · 3 years ago

Text

“Holy shit... Mike!? I-It… it really is you! How???”

Glen was supposed to get picked up from work by his roommate, Mike. He could have sworn he got into the right car, and now was sitting next to a 6 foot muscle giant! He would’ve assumed it was just an awkward mistake on his part, if the guy didn’t just list of TONS of person info on him! Things only his pal Mike would know!

Mike quit flexing for a second as he began his explanation. “Well remember how I told you I wanted to build some muscle? I even got a gym membership and everything!”

“Mike, I think we both know a gym membership doesn’t turn you into a completely different person...”

“I know, I was getting to that! Ok so there I was in the corner of the gym, I was struggling to hit some of the weight I hit back in high school. Suddenly, this literal mountain of a man walks up and offers to spot me. He seemed cool enough from our brief chat, now I’m not gay but I definitely got the vibe he maybe wanted to hit on me but didn’t want to make a big deal of it.”

Mike’s friend Glen rolled his eyes. “Yeah dude, I’m sure every guy at the gym was drooling over you.”

“Glen can you let me finish!”

“Fine, proceed with your story that sounds like the start of a bad porno.”

“Well as I was saying, it turns out he WAS gay but wasn’t helping me just to flirt.”

“Big surprise there.”

Mike shook off the comment and proceeded with the story. “Apparently him and his boyfriend are into really kinky stuff involving, and you wouldn’t believe this…body swaps.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me…”

“Glen I’m literally sitting next to you and look like another man. I think we’re passed the “Prove it!” phase! As you can see I took the deal. Apparently him and his bf often pick swaps for each other and the theme this time was… *sigh* Ex jock.”

Glen had to hold in a chuckle. Mike had definitely let himself go a bit after high school. It’s like he kept loading up on carbs like he did in the wrestling days but with less workouts to burn them off! He wasn’t a total tub of lard but that developing belly of his was the source of many a joke in their time.

“So wait Mike. From what you’re telling me… that means your current body is getting fu-“

His buddy’s new, veiny hand then clasped over his mouth mid-sentence.

“DON’T say it! …But essentially yeah, he was um, let’s just say very thorough, when explaining to me exactly what my body was in for. Frankly I could have gone without the more explicit details but he insisted I knew what was going to happen. Overall it was wayyy too good of a deal to pass up so I took it!”

“Isn’t he worried you’ll just take his body and run?”

“He said whatever magic crap the used to do this comes with strings. Him and his bf have a sort of passive control of my this body from wherever they’re at. Doesn’t really mean anything unless I fail to show up on our planned day to switch back.”

After hearing his friend’s story Mike was intrigued when he picked up on a not so little something.

“So, any side effect to this swap thing?” Glen asked.

Mike thought to himself. “I think the guy mentioned one last thing as he left but it didn’t hear it too well. Why?”

“Well man, you’ve been kind of handsy with me throughout your little story and you’ve got quite the boner. I’m thinking sexuality’s might be a tad influenced by the swap. Not that it’s too much of a problem for me.”

Mike saw the boner and began to list of a bunch of potential rationalizations and excuses.

Glen smiled, oh this was definitely going to be fun!

#body swap #male body swap

363 notes · View notes

sunsetcurvecuddles · 4 years ago

Note

Ok but imagine the boys being so free with touching each other that Alex doesn't even realize what effect he has on Willie when he plays with Willie's hair or brushes their pinkies together or hooks their ankles together under the table or drapes his arm around Willie's shoulder or or or

i’ve been crying over this ask ever since you sent it to me so have this. touch-starved willie but not the i can’t stop asking verse. just something very adjacent. whatever. no one told monet not to paint more water lillies.

Look, maybe Alex used to overthink touching the boys, when he was younger, when he was still trying to figure out what him being gay meant for that friendship - but Luke didn’t let those nerves last long, cuddled Alex every single damn day after he came out, like he was proving a point, stubborn and bull-headed as ever, until Reggie and Bobby followed his lead.

And when Alex’s anxiety skyrockets, his first red flag is that his skin feels wrong because he doesn’t want his boys to touch him.

But usually, when things are good, it’s so natural, for Alex, maybe the only thing he doesn’t overthink. To touch the boys, to have them touch him, is easy as breathing, flows like water.

So he doesn’t think, usually. He just reaches out, and they meet him in the middle - an arm around a waist, a hand against a shoulder, fingers running through each other’s hair or linking together or brushing a cheek. Reggie always flushes a little pinker, Luke grins a little wider, Bobby used to duck his head and grumble but push back against Alex, betraying himself.

Willie’s not that different. Like, obviously, he’s different, Alex feels little sparks along his arms every time he touches Willie, and a warmth that settles in his non-existent ghost-sensation bones that’s all totally different. It’s just that when Willie’s around more, after Caleb’s gone, Alex can’t help treating him like he treats the other people he lo--cares about. It’s almost absent-minded, almost muscle memory, the way he reaches out to push Willie’s hair out of his face, or link their pinkies when they’re walking, or to generally want Willie closer to him when they all crash Julie and Flynn’s after-school diner date (much to Julie’s irritation and Flynn’s amusement).

He feels like an idiot, when he links his ankle with Willie’s, and Willie’s eyes widen, he tenses, where he’s sitting pressed into the corner of the booth, Flynn on his other side. Alex feels his stomach drop. Quickly pulls his foot back.

Willie’s expression goes through a range of things, and he looks away, chews his lip. Alex has seen that expression before. Embarrassment. No - shame.

Luke is trying to bite through a chip. He can pick it up, but every time he tries to split it in half with his teeth, he just phases through. Flynn is muffling her laughter into her hand, Reggie’s laughing outright, and Julie’s trying to half-shield Luke with her body so passers-by don’t see a floating chip. And Willie won’t look at Alex.

It’s cool, Alex tells himself. He gets it. It was too much in front of their friends, or too much in general, he’s been totally desensitised by the boys (especially Luke, man, this is all Luke’s fault), and he somehow hadn’t noticed Willie reacting, and maybe Willie hates being touched but had done it because Alex obviously, blatantly needed it, or because -

Willie kicks him, very gently, with the toe of his shoe. When Alex looks up, Willie shoots him a grin, somewhere between rueful and affectionate and amused. Stop thinking so hard, he mouths.

Alex takes a breath. Willie doesn’t look mad. Or like he thinks Alex is desperate and pathetic, or whatever other mean words his anxiety had conjured out of the ether in the five seconds he left it unsupervised. Willie mimics the breath, and then takes a deeper one, and Alex follows along. Tries to put it out of his head for the rest of their time in the diner, tries to focus on the boys being idiots and Julie and Flynn chatting about kids from school. Willie pitches in terrible advice, seems for all intents and purposes to be his usual self, so Alex focuses on his breathing until the cold dread is sorta gone from his stomach again.

“What was that about earlier?” he asks Willie, finally, later that night when he can catch him alone. They’re outside the studio - the others have already filed inside, and Alex can’t tell if Julie hurried the others to give them some space, but he has his suspicions. “If something I’m doing has been bothering you, why wouldn’t you tell me?”

Willie’s face screws up, like he really doesn’t want to have this conversation, but Alex knows how that’s played out for them in the past. “It’s not that I don’t like it,” he says, and adds defensively, “really!” when Alex raises an eyebrow at him. Willie’s arms cross over his torso and he takes a step back from Alex, which hurts Alex way, way worse than Alex would like it to. “I just... I’m not used to it, okay? It’s not bad, it’s just so new for me.”

Well. Now Alex feels like an enormous idiot. “Oh. Yeah. Okay.” Swallows, tries to think. “I can back off?” he adds, in a much higher-pitched voice than he meant to.

“No, no,” Willie says, and moves forward again. Alex almost reaches for his arm, and then stops himself. Then does it anwyay, because Willie just told him not to back off. Willie shudders a little when Alex runs a hand up his arm. “See? It just makes me act weird, and I thought the others might see-”

“They wouldn’t care,” Alex promises, and he doesn’t have to overthink that, either. “I know they wouldn’t. Especially not Luke and Reg. They’re like me.”

Not Luke, who is ready to bolt the moment someone’s mad at him and needs to be touched every five minutes or he starts to panic that no one loves him, or Reggie, who cowers at any loud noise and needs to be touched to even feel like he exists. Not Julie, even, who had barely been able to take her hands off them for a moment when they finally became tangible, like she was scared the second she let go they would disappear.

Least of all Alex, who hid things until he was choking on them. Can’t hide how much he loves touch, when he’s feeling safe and calm.

“It just feels like so much,” Willie manages. “It’s not bad. It’s just so much. Maybe I just need more exposure.”

Alex looks at him for a long moment, takes in the uncertainty plain on his face, the way he’s still got his arms crossed tight, his thumb digging into his inner elbow, the way he had flinched at the restaurant. Tries to remember how it felt to hold himself away from the boys for the few months before he came out. How it felt when Luke was all over him, right after, the jittery oversensitivity coupled with waterfalls of relief. How it only got better with time, and touch, and love, and the boys’ patience.

He can give those things to Willie, he thinks.

“Can I hug you?” he asks, and his voice has a raw edge. Willie nods, lips pressed tight together like he’s scared of what will come out if he opens them. So Alex gives him the tightest hug he can muster. Willie shudders, a full-body release, and then holds him back.

For a moment they just stand like that, warm in each other’s arms. Alex rests his chin on the top of Willie’s head and runs one hand down his back, and up again.

“Exposure?” he checks, after who knows how long. “Is it working?”

“I don’t know,” Willie answers. He sounds a little better. “Think I’ll need a little longer to be sure. Maybe the next 48 business hours.” Yeah, much better.

“That can be arranged,” Alex agrees, even though it absolutely can’t, and is rewarded by Willie’s giggle, still a little wet, but so much more like himself. “Let’s at least arrange it on the couch, okay?”

Willie glances inside the studio, and Alex feels him hesitate. “They don’t care,” he promises Willie again. “They get it.”

This time Willie nods. Alex takes his hand, and they go inside together.

jatp taglist (lmk if you wanna be added/removed!): @queenmolina @nickalicious @bi-reginald @malecacidd @jughead-is-canonically-aroace @joyandthephantoms @cinnamonstickrayofsunlight @chickwiththepurpleguitar @burntchromas

see more prompt fills here

#willex #jatp #julie and the phantoms #alex mercer #willie #my fic #not touch starved willie... my kryptonite....#queenofthequillandink

287 notes · View notes

thechangeling · 3 years ago

Text

But you like her better: Part 1

This fic features Kit's potential new girlfriend hinted at in a letter from Tessa to Magnus in CC's newsletter. A bunch of people in the fandom built her from the ground up @littlx-songbxrd @foxglove-airmid @the-wckd-powers @adoravel-fenomeno and @thomas-gaypanic-lightwood to name a few, and gave her a personality, name and backround. Their name is Marí.

Kit uses he/they pronouns in this fic and Marí uses she/they.

Cw: Disassociation (or at least how I experience it idk it might not be the same for everyone), negative self talk, self injurious stims, and bad coping mechanisms.

Title is from Heather by Conan Gray.

Marìa. Marí as she preferred to be called, was a bubbly kind soul with a wide inviting smile and a melodic voice.

Even Ty could admit that they were quite beautiful, despite not seeing women (or in Marí's case anyone who was particularly alienated with womanhood,) in a romantic or sexual light. It took him awhile to realize he was gay, but when he did it just seemed so obvious. He had gone through a minor phase of experimentation at the scholomance when he was younger but it hadn't lasted long.

Still Marí was stunning. And perhaps what made her even more stunning was her kindness and generosity. Ty had met her on the beach in LA while she and her parents were visiting the LA institute for a downworlder/shadowhunter summit being held by Helen, Aline, Mark and Cristina, similar to the one Julian held in 2012.

Ty noticed that Tessa and Jem were present, but Kit was not. He was not exactly sure how that should make him feel. So Ty elected to push the pain in his chest further down. To shove all if his unresolved feelings and worries and questions about Kit Herondale back into the metaphorical box and move on.

So he had gone outside to walk on the beach to distract himself when he found Marí sitting on the sand and crying.

Apparently according to them, they had come across a few dead moon jellyfish, or Aurelia aurita as was more scientifically accurate, that had washed up on the beach.

Ty remembered being moved by how she had such compassion for another living creature who wasn't even a person. It was rare. Ty had helped her bury them. She seemed wary and a little hostile around him at first, noticing his runes. She was clutching her body tightly. Ty noticed her anxiety and told her how he was also a lover of aquatic life and he found marine biology fascinating. This had prompted her to instantly change demeanor and become very excited and start jumping up and down and waving her hands before she told him that she was studying marine biology at university in Devon.

The mention of Devon should gave promoted Ty to wonder if Marí knew Kit but he was still putting up mental blocks to protect himself from the Kit situation so it hadn't crossed Ty's mind.

They had sat on the beach and talked for hours. Marí told him their name and that they used she/they pronouns. They also told Ty that they were from Devon, but their family was from Loiza, a city on the Northeastern coast of Puerto Rico. And also that they were all werewolves who pretty much hated shadowhunters but he seemed ok because he liked jellyfish. They mentioned that marine biology was one of their special interests and that they were autistic and had ADHD.

It would have been the perfect opportunity to tell Marí about him also being autistic but Ty being guarded and asocial, decided not to and told her as little as possible. He supposed he had some trust issues after everything. He mentioned his name, that he was attending the scholomance, and a few basic facts about his family. He also talked about his friend Alyssa Reyes.

Alyssa or Ali as he called her, was a werewolf with Maia's pack in New York. She was assigned as a liaison to the scholomance to act as a bridge between the werewolves and future centurions. And BOY had she complained about it. Alyssa was basically the president of the fuck shadowhunters club and she was autistic and had ADHD. She and Marí would have gotten along quite well.

Marí overall did most of the talking but she didn't seem to mind. On the contrary.

Ty had no idea that by that point they were already dating Kit.

When Kit returned with apologetic smiles and a new found charisma and confidence, he also brought her. And she was so happy to see Ty again that he felt so guilty for feeling torn up inside.

Ty couldn't hate Marí. Not even if he tried. They hadn't done anything wrong and neither had Kit. So Ty would just have to settle for hating himself for being angry over nothing.

Kit and Ty weren't really talking. Sure they had exchanged some words together when basically forced to, but Kit was being standoffish and Ty was still feeling a little annoyed. But mostly hurt. Ty had heard that Kit was using he/they pronouns and now identified as genderfluid. He had so many questions for Kit but Ty knew he couldn't ask. At least not right now.

Currently Ty was watching Kit and Marí talking. Kit was in the middle of telling her what looked to be a funny story based on the way she was laughing. Kit pushed a lock of dark curly hair back behind her ear and smiled.

Ty felt queasy. He bit his lip and averted his gaze trying to shake off the horrible feeling. Everytime he saw them together his chest felt like it was being squeezed by a juicer. Like he was being crushed and torn up on the inside and it was his fault. Just like it was his fault that Kit left. Or maybe that wasn't true. Maybe it was just inevitable but that didn't make it any easier.

Ty didn't have the right to be jealous or upset. He had no claim over Kit. He was being ridiculous he told himself as he attempted to shove all of these dark feelings into the box.

But this time it wasn't working.

"Alright you look like you're about to snap crackle and pop," Ty heard a voice say beside him. "What gives Sherlock?"

Ty looked up to see Alyssa Reyes standing next to him. When they had all congregated together in the LA institute and Kit had brought Marí and his friend Janessa back with them. Ty had decided to bring his lucky charm and close friend with him.

When Alyssa first came to the scholomance things were quite rough. But they had connected, first on the basis of being autistic and then through other things. Ali also had a love of mysteries and the two of them together were quite the team. The two of them had become incredibly close. Anush called her Irene because she was the only one who could outsmart Ty.

Speaking of Anush..

He was currently still back at the scholomance. They had both decided it was best for him to stay behind so they could spend some time apart. They had recently broken up after Ty finally realized he wasn't in a good place emotionally to date anyone. Ty had been forced to put Livvy's spirit to rest permanently when it started to have an affect on the mortal world negativity. It had been Livvy herself who had begged Ty to save the world at her expense.

That had been about a month ago and Ty was still relatively numb. He had a feeling it would begin to hurt eventually. Just not yet.

"Hey did you hear me?" Alyssa raised her voice. "What's wrong?" Ty refocused on his friend.

She was wearing her costume for the Halloween party they were all attending tonight. Kit, Ty, Dru, Alyssa, Marí, Jaime, Janessa and Thaís. It was Dru herself who had suggested they need a break from essentially preparing themselves for what was probably going to be another war. So they were headed to a vampire hosted party at a club in downtown LA. Alyssa had been sure to grab earplugs for Ty and herself which he was grateful for.

Alyssa was dressed as Aeryn Sun from Farscape, one of the many autistic coded characters from scifi that she was obsessed with. She was wearing a long black leather trench coat with black leather pants and a black tank top. Her dark brown hair was pulled back onto a long braid traveling down to her lower back. She even had leather boots and a fake blaster gun holstered at her thigh to complete the look.

And Ty of course, was dressed as Sherlock.

Ty shook his head at her. "Nothing Ali I'm fine."

Alyssa glowered at him. "Bullshit you're fine. I thought we agreed never to lie to each other?"

Ty sighed, gazing back at Kit and Marí, still smiling at each other. Alyssa followed his gaze.

"Oh you're jealous aren't you!" She declared matter of factly. Ty instantly shushed her.

"Oh relax they can't hear us, she muttered. We're too far away." She twirled her long braid and stimmed with the ends of it. "You know if you plan on taking your anger out on that lovely girl, a member of our COMMUNITY no less, who has done absolutely nothing wrong, then I'm like legally required to throw hands," she said with a smile.

Ty didn't smile back. "I wouldn't," he murmered, looking down. He had been flicking his fingers lazily at his sides, but now Ty found that wasn't good enough. He dug his fingernails into his right palm.

Alyssa looked concerned. "Hey I was just kidding," she said softly. She took his hand that had been creating little half-moon red divots on his skin and carefully threaded his fingers through her own.

Ali squeezed Ty's hand. "You know I'm on your side no matter what." He squeezed back.

Ty looked at the couple again. Emotions swirled all around his heart like little ribbons grazing against the sides. It wasn't just jealousy neccessary and Ty was a little shocked to find that he wasn't angry anymore. He was just...what?

Sad?

Sad didn't even begin to feel like it covered it. He felt so lost. And alone. And.... He felt himself starting to drift away, separating from himself. Ty could hear the fuzzy far away echo of someone trying to speak to him, but he couldn't make out the words. They were getting further and further away.

Everything was blurry and out of focus.

"Ty!" He heard a voice shout. With a jolt he was snapped back into his body. He turned to face Alyssa who was staring at him, looking obviously alarmed.

But the worst part was that everyone else was staring at him too. Including Kit. They looked shocked, but also something else that Ty couldn't quite pinpoint. There was an air of desperation to their voice when they asked,

"Are you ok?"

Was Ty ok?

It was such a funny question coming from Kit who hadn't spoken more than two words to him this whole time.

Kit who had left.

Ty didn't know what else to do except laugh. He burst laughing hysterically, almost falling from his position of where he was leaning against the wall. He desperately tried to gasp for air as he cackled.

Everyone was staring at him looking horrified. Dru pulled out her phone as if she was contemplating calling someone, then decided against it. Tears were starting to roll down Ty's cheeks as he kept laughing.

Alyssa grabbed his arm. "Alright, come with me," she ordered, dragging him to the side. Ty managed to stop laughing as she guided him firmly into the training room.

Ty's eyes were still blurry with tears, so he wiped them away. Alyssa was smiling at him softly, looking sympathetic. "It's gonna be ok Ty,: she cooed, taking his hand again. Alyssa began to rub slow soothing circles onto his palm.

"Ok, you wanna tell me what's going on now?" She asked gently. Ty sniffed and used his other hand to wipe away the rest of his tears.

"I don't know what to say," he admitted. "I don't know how to describe or explain it.

Alyssa nodded. "Well, try. You can use quotes or song lyrics if you want." Ty smiled. He was grateful that Ali understood.

Ty chewed the inside of his cheek for a moment. "It feels like a tear in my heart. Like a part of me is missing and I just can't feel it," he quoted. Alyssa stared at him, pondering. She continued to stroke his hand.

"Do you think what you're missing is Kit?" She asked. "Do you miss him?"

Ty glared at Alyssa and snatched his hand back. "No," he said firmly. "I don't."

Ali rolled her eyes. "Jesus you're almost as bad at love as I am! It's like trying to open a rusted toolbox with a fork getting you to open up!" She snapped.

Ty bared his teeth under closed lips and glowered at her. "Well maybe I never asked for your help!"

"Well maybe you should calm down and recognize that I'm your friend and I'm worried about you!" She shouted back.

Guilt instantly washed over him, pricking his skin. Ty squeezed his eyes shut. "I'm sorry Ali," he whispered.

He wished he could cry. Now more than ever Ty wished he could make himself cry. Over Livvy, over Kit. Over the coming battle. Over everything.

"Do you love them?" He heard her ask. There was no need to ask who she meant.

Ty opened his eyes. This was the thing he never acknowledged. Never said outloud. Never even let himself think it. Because it was terrifying. The acknowledgement of the truth.

The truth was that Ty would probably give his life just to see that adorable smile one more time. That he could tell you how many freckles Kit had because he had spent so many hours staring at Kit and counting them.

The truth was that when Kit held him, he felt closer to anyone then he ever had in his entire life. Ty had sat outside of Kit's door for hours, days even when they had first arrived because he had felt something, even then. Something pulling at him from the other side of that door like a magnet. He told himself it was just curiosity. A scientific curiosity.

It was the only thing that could logically explain Ty's obsession. It wasn't serious. It wasn't-

"I love him," Ty admitted shakily, breaking the silence. Even Alyssa looked a little suprised.

"I'm in love with Kit."

Before Ali could respond, Ty sensed movement by the training room door which they had forgotten to close. Ty instantly whipped around to see who it was, wondering frantically if they had overheard what Ty had said.

Standing in the door frame wearing her Mortica Addams costume for the party, complete with a jet black long wig was Marí.

And the look on their face suggested to Ty that they had heard every word.

I will try and get part 2 up as soon as I can! It will be from Marí's perspective.

The song Ty quotes is Can you hold me by NF.

Tag list: @playwithravenclaw @lavender-scented-rat @jazzkaurtheglorious @waterlillies @nott-the-best @stxr-thxif @magnus-the-fabulous-entp-bane @foxglove-airmid @littlx-songbxrd @clarys-heosphoros @thomas-gaypanic-lightwood @arangiajoan @queenlilith43 @adoravel-fenomeno

#tsc #tda #the dark artifices #kit x ty #ty blackthorn #twp #kit herondale #marí the werewolf #we need to give her a last name #marí tag

73 notes · View notes

7official7moose7 · 3 years ago

Text

Subsurf hcs: Jake

Probably had bad athsma as a kid and his mom is kinda worried that it'll randomly pop up again because he's always running from cops or skateboarding around so she makes him carry an inhaler around just in case

He acts like he hates it but he actually appreciates it

Has broken a sh!t ton of bones over the years because he's reckless asf

His dad was a cop and an abusive drunk (mostly verbal)

After Connie divorced him, she and Jake moved to the city (this is why they live in an apartment complex; Connie is trying to work up to buying their own house)

This could be a big reason why Jake doesn't like cops and gets into trouble a lot??? I dunno I might be taking it too far hahaha

When they moved, Jake met Fresh, Tricky and Yutani (how they met is still tbd)

Jake is bisexual; might be biromantic (still pretty young, he'll figure it out 😀)

Definitely had an existential crisis when he realized and kept denying it for a while

But he came to terms with it once Tricky came out as a lesbian :)

Has a hUGE @SS CRUSH On Fresh (like huuuuge crush bruv)

The only one who knows is Tricky and he told her by accident because he was totally freaking out abt it and it just slipped out

Then he freaked out even more and Tricky assured him that it was okay and she didn't think of him any differently yadda yadda

A few tears may have been shed but they both promised to never speak of it again

Jake knows Yutani likes him (despite her great efforts to hide it) and honestly feels pretty bad about not liking her back

Connie is definitely suspicious of Jake's sexuality (she probably found the "am I gay quiz" in his search history and brought it up during dinner once

She was all like "if you're not straight it's ok honey" and he DENIED IT SO HARD

But then later that week she walked in on him and Fresh totally about to kiss and it was super awkward

Like as soon as she opened the bedroom door they both jumped away from each other super quick and she was like "👁👄👁 did,, did you do yo,ur home,wor,,k" and he was like "y, yea, h,," and she said ok and just backed out slowly and it was just super painful to live through

As soon as she closed the door back they both just sat there like wtf just happened

It went unmentioned for at least a week until Connie just bursted and was like "I'M SORRY I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HAVING A MOMENT" and Jake was like "IT'S OKAY BUT PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LEARN TO KNOCK" and since then she has made sure to make her presence known before walking into his room

Jake thinks she doesn't know they were going to kiss but she totally knows they were going to kiss

Jake is that type of kid who talks like he hates his parents (he definitely hates one of them) to look cool but in actuality couldn't be happier to have Connie in his life

Cops in general either make him super nervous or super angry (depends on what they look like I guess)

Loves dogs to the eXTREME

He wants one so bad but Connie has to keep reminding him that they aren't allowed to own pets in the apartment

Can't read for sh!t

Literally he'll just be staring at a book not even reading it just off in his own little world

Connie used to call him "space cadet" when he was in elementary school because he was either zoned out in his own world or hyper asf in his own world

Had an astronaut/space phase for tHE LONGEST TIME

Probably has ADD/ADHD

Still has nightmares about his dad but won't admit to it

He obviously liked my chemical romance at least once in his life. At least once.

Listens to a little bit of punk rock with Tricky but also really likes The Beatles, Def Leppard, Led Zeppelin, that kind of stuff

He also likes some modern music too

Cavetown, P!ATD, Wallows, certain rap songs

Basically a little bit of everything EXCEPT for country

He hates country music (probably because of his dad but idk man it just really sets him off)

Boys Will Be Bugs!!!!

Doesn't actually cuss a lot but when he does it's either a long string of words or just the one

Connie doesn't really mind unless he says fvck or b!tch

Then she tells him to watch it

Jake is honestly a pretty sweet boy if you give him the opportunity

#well this got lengthy #sorry guys #bee's subsurf tag #subway surfers #jake subway surfers #headcanons #subway surfers headcanons #can you tell hes my favorite

33 notes · View notes

do-y0u-have-to-let-it-linger · 4 years ago

Text

EXT. The Roof (Winter) - Sunset

Not Just Attracted to Women!Peter Maximoff x Fem and Not Just Attracted to Men!Reader

Based off of a dream I recently had: Peter and Y/N have a conversation on the roof of Xavier's in mid-December. Peter accidentally lets it slip that he might not be straight, and he is afraid that Y/N will think less of him because of it because this is the 80s. Y/N reveals that she is also not straight, and is saddened by the fact that Peter could think that she could ever hate him- especially for that. She calls him wonderful. Feelings ensue. Also, a touch of Cherik at the end because I give the people what they want.

Warnings: Swearing, Peter cries, internalized homophobia (this is the 80s-ish and Peter uses the word 'queer' in a kind of incorrect and kind of offensive manner, but it was internalized homophobia and not actually intended to be mean to anyone but himself so I forgive him), a touch of angst but mostly fluff, Charles called you two "children" even though you are obviously not, Erik is happy that his son has someone that cares about him the way you do, Peter is insecure but not super blunt about it, Peter has been deprived of being adored his entire life, bad writing, I mention a serial killer twice, historical inaccuracy because the word queer was still a slur so yeah.

A/N: This is literally the first thing I have ever written so please be nice to me, I wrote this instead of an essay. I would love a comment of any kind, even if it's just a heart emoji or something, and constructive criticism would be highly appreciated. Also 'N/N' stands for nick-name.

(Ok, so, full discloser: the format is odd. The bullet points represent dialogue, and the only dialogue is between you two love birds. The first bullet point is Peter, the second is Y/N, the third is Peter, and so on.)

“I dunno, the whole ‘liking people’ thing has always been weird for me.”

“How do you mean?"

“Pppffftt- 'how do you mean,' what are you, Shakespeare or somethin’?”

“Yeah, because that’s the era when ‘how do you mean' would have been a popular term. Ok, what do you mean?”

“Just- when other people were liking people I never really was?”

He was gesturing wildly and avoiding eye contact, as always. He wasn't uncomfortable with eye contact, he just got bored easily in conversations, he needed to keep himself occupied. In this situation that meant staring at the red and green lights covering the rest of the roof, the snowy trees all over the yard, and a holly garland around the gate. Peter wasn't Christian, but man, did he love their Christmas decorations.

“Like… now? In school?”

“Well- yeah… but also when I was younger. And I never liked the right people? Or... liked them in the right way?”

“So you’ve never liked anyone.”

“No, no… I definitely have. It was just… weird! I don't-”

His hands dropped to his side in defeat.

“I don’t think it’s that out of the ordinary. I would tell you if it was. Also, if it was... 'weird', like you said, that wouldn’t mean it was necessarily bad.”

He hadn’t really heard what she said, he was too busy pondering what his next sentence would be. When she wasn't speaking, he was rambling.

"I had some of the normal crap… like in movies when they talk about the fluttery stomach junk. I've had that around a few girls I've been friends with, also that phase with the boy stuff, a-"

“Wait, what phase with the boy stuff?”

“Like- when you’re in middle school or whatever and you're gay for a second.”

His phrasing was a joke, but the statement as a whole was not.

“…‘Gay for a second’?”

“…Yeah?”

“Hmmm..."

"Is that- not-"

"I don't think that is... 'normal'... per-say..."

“Oh… Really?”

His heart sunk.

“…Yeah.”

“Huh.”

“…Mhm.”

“…Shit.”

He suddenly looked almost embarrassed. He shifted his posture, seemingly trying to shrink into himself.

“Do you... wanna chat about it?”

Panic started to slowly rise in him.

“Um- forget I said anything.”

“Why?”

Something in him said to go on the "defense". He did not appear as calm as he was intending to.

“I’m not- gay! or anything. I like girls! I do!”

She put her hand on his arm.

“Hey- look at me for a second. We are not in court, and I never 'accused' you of being gay. That would be a very funny reality TV show, but not what is happening right now. Listen, theoretically if you were gay that wouldn’t be bad! And I wouldn’t be… whatever you.. think that I would be? I mean- however you are afraid I would act in a negative reaction to it? I would try to be here for you, and be as supportive as possible.”

He didn’t believe her.

“Ok, sure.”

“Peter.”

“What? You’re going to tell me that you would honestly be friends with a queer person- be friends with me if I was... not... normal?”

She was taken aback by his tone, the word he had used, and the way he said it, felt like a weight dropping on her shoulders.

“Oh. would you… not?”

It was her turn to seem nervous.

“What?”

“Would you- stop being friends with someone for liking someone that they… I don’t know… shouldn’t... would be the word I guess?”

Why, in this situation, was she nervous? Oh. His fear was replaced with guilt.

“No.”

“Ok.”

“So… are you… do you… why were you scared?”

“... Why were you?”

She expected a joke from him, something along the lines of “touché".

“Are you… gay?”

“No.”

Yeah, he didn’t believe her.

“Uh-huh”

“Really, I’m not. I’ve liked boys, but also... I've had feelings for girls. I’m not… straight. So I just want to let you know that it’s okay if you aren’t too.”

“I never s-“

She smiled at him with a bit of pity, she had been there. The self-loathing, the feeling of walking on minefields with so many people in your life.

“You are…”

She paused.

“I am… what?”

“Give me a second I’m trying to find the perfect word.”

“… Okay?”

“Wonderful.”

That was not exactly the word he was expecting. Like, at all.

“Huh?”

“That’s the word. Wait- let me start over. You gotta look me in my eyes as I say it, because it’s gonna be really poetic.”

“Uh… should I be scared?”

“No. Maybe a little. No.”

“… Okay.”

He looked at her.

“You are… wonderful.”

“Oh... Thanks?“

He looked away again, to be honest, he was a bit uncomfortable. He rarely received compliments, especially ones that seem so... genuine.

“I’m not finished, look back at me, just for a second. You are so wonderful- and I will support you as whatever you are! I want you to know that I can- I can barely even think of something you could do that would make me genuinely hate you- like… maybe if you Dahmer-ed people or like chopped up a-“

He found this was amusing, yet disturbing.

“Y/N?”

“Sorry- I just- the fact that you thought, even for a second, that I could hate you… is just-“

“I’m sorry”

“No! Stop it. Don’t be sorry.”

She stared at him expectantly.

“What do you want me to-“

“Take it back! The sorry!”

“How?”

“Say you aren’t sorry”

“N/N-“

“Peter.”

“Ok. I’m, ya know, not sorry.”

“Good. You shouldn’t be”

“You’re weird.”

“Yuh-huh. Says the most likely, from the little information I've gathered, bisexual in denial who also happens to be the fastest boy on earth who had to slow down exponentially to interact with other people who also, also, happens sitting on a roof in the dead of winter with me.”

“What’s by smexual?”

Something about the way he attempted to repeat her words must have been hilarious, he thought, because here she was, sitting in front of him, in a fit of childish giggles. He would smile if he weren't so confused.

“No- that’s not- what I said- it’s… wait!”

“What?”

“You’re tryna get me off topic!”

“Am not!”

“Are too!”

“Am not!”

“Are t- shit.”

“HAHA! Victory is a sweet dessert... wait is that even the saying? Still, I win you lose, nerd.”

“Ok, okay! go on.”

She was attempting to gather herself to give off a less jokey aura. It was half working, the "am not! are too!" argument a few moments ago made it hard for him to take her seriously, but he could tell it was important to her that he did, so he tried his best.

“You have to look at me again. just for a second.”

“I sw-”

“Just do it? Please?”

His attempt to put up a fight was thwarted by her small "please". He was pathetic.

“Okay.”

He looked at her.

“You…”

“Me… or- wait- I…”

“Are w-“

“Wonderful, yeah yeah. just get to the n-”

“No.”

“… No?”

“When you say it it doesn’t encapsulate it. It sounds silly.”

“Ok little miss ‘you art thou wonderful’, how would you have me say it?”

“I am you wonderful?”

“What?”

“You called me ‘little miss you are you wonderful’ what does that-“

“Ok! Would you just- shut up and call me wonderful one more time, please?”

She looked at him and blinked. That sentence surely came off as less ironic than intended.

“You are wonderful.”

She grabbed his face, in a half-joking manner. Her grab smushed his cheeks and she couldn't help but laugh a bit when she did it. Even though it was clearly a bit, he was still flustered.

“W-“

She shook him a bit.

"Shut up 'cause I'm about to say some beautiful and true shit. You are wonderful. You are wonderful. You are wonderful. You are absolutely, unchangingly, and irrevocably wonderful and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, Maximoff.”

After saying what she would (in 40 years or so) recall as a painfully John Green-ish statement in her blunt and matter-of-fact manner, she let go of her semi-ironic hold on his pink cheeks. Were his cheeks pink because it was absolutely freezing, or because his heart was beating faster than he had ever (and would ever, mind you) run, you ask? No comment.

“Wow.”

“Wow what.”

“You do say it better than I do.”

“Did you like how I stressed different parts of the sentence each time? I thought that was a nice detail.”

“Wow.”

“So I’ve heard.”

“Wow.”

Did his voice just... break a little?

“Peter?”

“Uh- yeah?”

Was he a little... sniffle-y? She was now very concerned.

“Are you okay?!”

“Oh- um... yeah!”

No! No he was clearly not! He was sniffling!

“Really? 'Cause, you don't seem it.”

“It’s just- I just- wow.”

“Wow, what!?”

“That was just- uh-"

“Just what? It really wasn't that fancy, you seem much too impressed with me. Oh my God, was it terrible?”

“I mean it was really corny but w-“

“I swear to God if you say 'wow' one more time I may have to add ‘use of the word wow too much’ to the list of things that could make me hate you. Right next to the Dahmer stuff. That was a joke. Your use of the word wow is only mildly perturbing. Sorry."

She was panicking "just a bit".

“I’m sorry, I mean I’m not sorry. Sorry. Shit! sorry! I mean I’m not!”

And he was absolutely... full-on crying at this point.

“Peter.”

“Yeah?”

He was looking down at his mittens. Not that this is important, but they were very pretty mittens.

“Look at me, you klepto.”

He didn’t.

“You know- I’ve been hearing a lot of that 'look at me' stuff from you today. I mean- the klepto part is new-“

“Peter.”

“What?!”

He peaked up at her.

“Talk to me. Please, you're kinda scaring me, let me help.”

“I’m not sad!”

“You’re crying!”

“Yeah but not from the sads!”

“… The ‘sads’?”

“You know- when you get sad! It just means being sad! I don't- that’s what Wanda calls it, not me!"

He wiped his nose, tears still running down from his puffy eyes to his reddened cheeks.

“What are you crying from?”

“No one’s ever called me wonderful before.”

“I'm sorry! I did a few minutes ago and you didn’t cry!”

“No! You can't 'sorry' me if I can't 'sorry' you! And- yeah but that doesn’t count!”

“Why?”

“Because it only felt big when you said it the certain way!”

“What way!?”

“You look at me, you grab my cheeks-“

“I'm sorry about that by the way I was j-“

“No! It’s really ok! Do it whenever! I mean don’t do it whene- shut up!”

“I’m not even talking! You're the one talking!”

“You look at me, you grab my cheeks, and you go: you are wonderful.”

“Yeah???”

“No one ever called me that before!”

"Peter, I- well- they- they should! They should! More often! Then the amount that it happens now! I think. In my opinion."

"Or really looked at me like that!”

“Looked at you like what, Peter?”

“Like I was somethin’!”

“Well, you are… ‘somethin'! Whatever that means! And- I think you deserve to be looked at as such!”

“See?”

“What!?”

“You just-“

A strangled sob escaped from his throat. He didn't know how to explain.

“Pete.”

“Ew. I hate that nickname.”

He crossed his arms over his chest like a toddler, trying to completely ignore the fact that he was an emotional wreck.

“Peter.”

“Yeah?”

She opened her arms and gestured for him to come closer. He was hesitant at first- but gave up all the reasons he shouldn't move to be closer to her in exchange for the promise of comfort she was offering him. He crawled over to her and curled up in her arms. The way she held him made him want to cry more. Who does she think she is- holding him like he was worth holding? With her chin sitting on top of his hair? Letting him do that gross cry sob with the spit and the snot into her only winter coat? Rocking him, and shushing him, and petting his stupid, silver hair? She was warm, too! The audacity of this woman.

When Erik brought Charles into his office to grab a chess set, they saw the two in the window. For a moment Charles considered telling Peter and Y/N to get off of the high platform, seeing as the two were the reasons the "no sitting on the roof" rule was enacted in the first place (neither of them were coordinated whatsoever). Charles quickly dropped this notion when he saw the look on Erik's face, Charles could tell it made him so happy to see Peter be held like that, cared for like that. Erik's expression made Charles want to both tell Erik that he is the most precious thing in the world, and make fun of him (look at Mr. Metal, gone completely soft). Possibly he could do both at the same time. But for now, he is just going to pretend he didn't see the two outside of the window, and have Erik grab them their game, go to the living room, and pretend not to have read Erik's mind when he inevitably asks him how he always manages to pick the white chess piece at "random".

#is this even good #i wrote this instead of an essay #peter maximoff #peter maximoff fluff #peter maximoff x reader #me 🤝 commas #me 🤝 ... okay #the quality of this fic 📈📉📈📉📈

59 notes · View notes

tiggymalvern · 4 years ago

Note

Hi. Ok do you know why Will imagines himself killing Molly (and even Alana in one scene) while taking the Red Dragon case? This never happened before with other cases, like in other seasons he slipped into killers mindsets but he never looked at people and imagined killing them. Seems like a plot point to make Will give up on his family, I wish his return to Hannibal was more organic and not just because other people were poisoned to him :/

I’m sorry it took me a while to get to answering this, Anon, I had a very busy week.

Season three wasn’t actually the first time we see Will imagining himself killing someone he cares about. Back in just episode three, he dreams of slitting Abigail’s throat, when earlier he’s been to visit her in the hospital trying to reassure her. Then he visits her house with her because she wants to go and needs to have people with her. Alana and Hannibal seem like entirely adequate emotional chaperones for that visit. There’s no need for Will to be there too, but he still goes, because he wants to help Abigail.

At that point, Will is showing the first signs of his encephalitis, waking covered in sweat, and we could perhaps attribute his imagining killing Abigail to a simple nightmare, if it wasn’t a thing that recurs again later, as you say, long after his encephalitis is cured.

So I think the question more realisitcally becomes, ‘Why does Will Graham sometimes imagine himself killing people he cares about?’ There’s never going to be a definitive answer for that, all we can do is speculate, so here I go, speculating away! I’m going to leave Hannibal out of my speculations, because Will does imagine himself killing Hannibal during the honey trap phase of season two, when we know he’s already falling in love with him, but at the same time he still hates Hannibal for framing him and having him dumped in a mental institution. The internal conflict there thoroughly muddies the waters, so I’m going to stick with Will’s visions of killing people like Abigail and Molly, people he only wants to protect.

I would say from the start that stress seems to be a triggering factor for it. Will imagines killing Abigail not long after the first time he kills someone, in the form of her father. We know from what Jack says that Will has been actively trying to avoid killing people, that he left the police because he didn’t want to use his gun. He’s long suspected that killing a person would unleash something within him, and now he’s done it. When Abigail says that she’s worried about nightmares, Will replies, ‘I’m worried about nightmares too.’ The thing that Will had been trying to avoid for at least a decade has finally happened, and he’s scared of where it will lead him. And sure enough, he’s dreaming of murder.

In the Red Dragon arc, the thing that Will has been trying to avoid for three years is Hannibal. He’s put that life behind him - he moved away, stayed out of law enforcement, married a lovely woman, and worked so hard at being ‘normal’. And then the thing he’s been avoiding happens - Hannibal is back in his world. Will tells Molly he’ll be different if he goes; once again he’s scared of where he’s headed. So there’s an obvious parallel there - Will imagines killing Abigail, and later Molly, when he’s having to face up to a reality that he’s been trying to ignore.

On the most basic level, Will imagines killing people because he wants to kill people. He’s known that about himself for a long time, which is why he was so determined never to do it. After he kills Hobbs, it’s not just a theory any more, he knows he likes it, and then the temptation to do it again becomes so much worse.

But in the real world, Will only wants to kill bad people. He wants to kill the murderers, the people who threaten and harm the innocent. He wants to be a protector and an avenger. He would never harm Molly, or Abigail. And I think the fact that he imagines himself doing that is a sign of his internal conflict.

Will Graham is scared of what he wants. He doesn’t want to enjoy killing people, even bad people. He was lecturing in a classroom to avoid any risk of violent situations, because he’s worried about the slippery slope. If he kills one person, he’ll want to kill more (he isn’t wrong about that). And I think that decent, moral part of Will is terrified of how far he might eventually go. If he starts off killing bad people, might he eventually end up killing less bad people? What if his urge to kill keeps increasing and he becomes one of the bad people who hurts innocents? I think it’s all part of his struggle with accepting the reality of who he is.

So any time Will Graham knows himself to be starting down the path of the killer - after he shoots Hobbs, when he goes back to investigating murders and discussing them with Hannibal - his mind shows him the worst case scenario, the thing he fears most in the world. The potential monster inside himself. And in Molly’s case, there’s the added guilt that Will knows he’s placing her in danger, because of Hannibal, a guilt that manifests in her imagined death at Will’s hands.

And so I come to the last part of your ask: I wish his return to Hannibal was more organic and not just because other people were poisoned to him

This takes us back to what is really the over-arching theme of Hannibal. It's clear that Will would never have chosen Hannibal as the love of his life. Will doesn't want to love Hannibal, any more than he wants to love killing people. But the facts don't change because they're inconvenient for Will's moral compass.

The world has effectively been poisoned for Will his whole life. He speaks to Hannibal of his isolated childhood, the boy who never fit in. He lives his adult life alone, surrounded by dogs, with acquaintances, not friends, because everyone around him considers him somewhat odd. His potential 'normal' romantic partner, Alana, has been avoiding being alone with him. With time, he learns to 'pass' as normal better, to the point where he can marry Molly and appear to be a typical family man. But that's what it is - an appearance. Will isn't fulfilled in that life. He wants to be, but he's not.

Hannibal is right for Will because neither of them fit in the 'normal' world, and the way they don't fit is the same. Hannibal isn't a show about Will accepting that he loves Hannibal - it's a show about Will accepting that he is who he is. And when he accepts the things he doesn't like about himself, only then can he accept that he loves someone who shares those traits.

Hannibal isn't the consolation prize for Will, because nobody else will have him any more. Hannibal has always been the only person who can understand him, and Will has known that for years. He just has to stop hating them both for it before he can decide to live with it.

(And it was all written by a gay man, and it's an obvious metaphor for growing up ostracised for being gay, and hating yourself for being gay, and having to accept and embrace gayness before you can accept loving another man, but that can go off on a very long tangent!)

#Anonymous #hannibal #meta #will graham #hannigram

73 notes · View notes

cowboyjen68 · 3 years ago

Note

Hey jen first off congrats on your new tshirt lol but also, do you know of any lesbians that truly didn’t realize they were gay or different until they were much older? i didnt realize I might be gay until I was 19 and even then, there was SEVERE self doubt cus I was well aware how my abusive father had and continues to completely warp and destroy how I view, trusted (i didnt and still dont) and interacted (i didnt and still dont) with cishetero men. Like I’m scared my sexuality is just a massive trauma response. Growing up I had a lot of what i thought were crushes on guys but a lot of times the ‘crushes’ were just me wanting to get their attention and be their friend. I did have a few “romantic” ones but again those men were completely unattainable and theres was no chance we’d ever date or that they’d ever pay me any attention and i...................took comfort in that. it wasnt until I was 19 that i had my first crush (or first that i was aware of) on a girl, but she was straight. and It wasnt until I got my first crush on another lesbian, at age 22 (im 26 now) that it truly smacked me in the face - I was literally losing sleep over this girl, I could barely hold a conversation without blushing and stuttering, hearing her voice or seeing her walk by made my stomach perform a simone biles floor routine, but when she smiled at or complimented me id be smiling goofily for the rest of the day. Then i found out she had a gf and my heart dropped to my ass and while I hate to admit it, i felt the petty jealousy and envy bubbling up to the surface (but i absolutely never acted on it cus i knew the feelings were irrational and silly). Like I felt like I was back in middle school and like.......a guy has NEVER brought that intensity of emotions out of me. The first time I slept with a woman I loved it, and continue to love it and i know this paragraph is painting a massive picture of “yes you fucking idiot you are gay” but when i talk to or hear stories from other lesbians, I can never relate or align to that feeling of “knowing I was different since I was young”, I had 0 clue up until my 20s. that paired with my upbringing, plus smaller traumas here and there also centered around men..........like im truly scared that the day i fully heal is the day I’m gonna realize my sexuality is a lie. and its a big reason (besides mental and emotional instability) i avoid relationships even though i want one cus i dont wanna put another girl through hell just cus i cant figure MY shit out you know? Like this sounds so childish but I wish there was like an entrance exam or something that you can take and itll give you some type of definitive answer like: “yes youre gay”, “nope straight”, “maybe? need more info/experience” or “pls for the love of god go to therapy”

Ok.. first. yeah.. therapy can be great.. even for healthy, well adjusted people.

BUT:

Once of the reasons I didn't know "what" i was is because I had no exposure to role models that looked like me. No one to show me what life might look like besides what I saw with my mom and dad, the neighbors mom and dad, my uncles and aunts.. the man woman kids model. I had no words or word for my experience and not really any idea there was any option.

I knew was different especially once puberty hit, there was just no way for me to know how I was different or to know I wouldn't outgrow the "phase".

I always say, it is not necessary for any of us to have intimacy or sex with someone in order to have that "awakening" of our sexuality and I believe that. However, sometimes that little touch, kiss, tingly feeling can push us more towards our admitting it to ourselves sooner rather than later.

We all have different reasons to be unsure. In a neutral world it wouldn't matter, we would be attracted to whomever we are attracted to and that would be that. BUT the world is not neutral and figuring out out sexual orientation is important because it helps us fine our "safe" community in an often hostile world. Sadly that means we have to sort out our feelings, our experiences, social media and media and lots of lies and inconsistencies to separate that from for our innate sexual attraction. It is not always clear what is attraction, true passion and what is imposed upon us from outside pressure.

The good news is there is no time line and no shame in being wrong. Our innate sexuality does not change but our understanding of it does as we gain experience and get to know ourselves. Follow your heart. Do not date for others, date for yourself. You don’t need to know for sure to enjoy figuring it out.

I can also tell you that I know lesbians my age who married men, had kids and had okay lives. It never occurred to them they were lesbians... then small things crept in. They realized what they thought was love was friendship. What they thought was passion was going through the motions. Then, one day, they met other lesbians, saw other lesbians and realized they had mistaken “finding a nice man” for love. and attraction.

Don’t worry about the opinions of others. They don’t have any right to judge you or your past or your dating life. You are allowed to be wrong and to reevaluate yourself. I have a feeling that once you allow yourself to trust yourself you will figure things out much faster.

When you are ready to date you will not be too much for the right woman. Somehow all those things you think will be too hard for another will not be for someone with whom you click. It is also okay to not be ready to date. To take time for yourself.

#lesbian #dating #sexualtiy

17 notes · View notes