#i’m making a lyric tag because i’ve posted so many

[lixel-5]

jerry pascal…. save me jeremy pascal

(Status by Machine Girl)

[crossbackpoke-check]

it’s all the rest of what i want with you

connor dewar/brandon duhaime :: 8k

Summary:

“Brandon,” Connor says with a sigh. “There’s no baby in there.”

“Not yet,” Brandon says. Connor feels his stomach twist, almost like what he would imagine a baby kicking to feel like.

in these trying times of dewvorce, may i offer you 8k of pwp inspired by @stillfertile’s wonderful art which i had. several breakdowns about 🫶 anyway please enjoy!!!

[landososcar]

lover ; LN4

pairing(s) ; lando norris x swiftie!reader

summary ; in which y/n just wants to post pictures of her boyfriend, not expecting people to get the wrong idea

warnings ; smau, lots of fluff

note ; its 3am and i didn’t want to sleep til i finished this so idk what mistakes there probably is lmao😭 also just pretend the twitter stuff says 2024 i cba changing it all

instagram ; yourusername

liked by nando4lorris, carlossainz55 and others

yourusername i saw the dimples first and then i heard the accent 💓☺️

view all comments

user1 who are you

carlossainz55 you tagged the wrong account silly

yourusername you replied with the wrong account moron

nando4lorris you two aren’t slick

yourusename yeah ok mr nando lorris

nando4lorris you’re supposed to be on my side wtf

user2 i’m so lost 😭😭

user3 i’m confused someone explain

user4 babe everyone’s confused

user5 wait so is this carlos’ gf or not

user6 idk who you are but you’re hot as fuck

user7 ok i swear i’ve seen carlos wear that top in the 4th pic before

user8 yeah i think i’ve seen lando wearing it too tho

user9 but lando isn’t in this girls likes and comments

nando4lorris yeah guys you’re right she’s gotta be carlos’ girlfriend

yourusername nando4lorris fuck off i hate you so much 😭😭😭😭😭

user10 ????????

instagram ; yourusername

liked by landonorris, nando4lorris and others

yourusername i’d like to hang out with you for my whole life 🤗🧡

view all comments

user1 crying because lando liked on his main AND his burner (confirmed)

yourusername p.s. the tag in these pics is for PHOTO CREDS 😁

user2 LMFAOOO HER COMMENT

user3 girl said my mans is NOT carlos sainz jr🙅‍♀️

user4 i have so much to say

user5 the taylor love lyrics, the orange heart emoji, the flowers, the ladybugs, THE CAT CARDIGAN

user6 i think i would die for her

nando4lorris 🧡🧡

yourusername 🥰

carlossainz55 i thought you guys were still trying to be sneaky

yourusername carlos you’re the one making it hard to be sneaky

user7 oh it’s so lando

carlossainz55 oh well it’s been 4 years everyone already knew

user8 ITS BEEN WHAT JEHFKSKKS ????????

instagram ; landonorris

liked by oscarpiastri, maxverstappen1 and others

landonorris i’ve loved you (five) summers now honey but i want them all 😁😁

view all comments

user1 oh my god

user2 FIVEEEEE SUMMERS????? EVEN MORE THAN CARLOS SAID !/?;&2!@:9(

carlossainz55 i’m sorry i just guessed how many years because i didn’t know exactly just that its been a long long time

yourusername it’s ok carlos you were close

user3 SHES BEEN TO RACES AND NO ONES EVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT HER OH MY GOD

maxverstappen1 finally mate

oscarpiastri wooo secrets out 🥳

user4 he used a taylor lyric for the caption im gonna be sick

user5 if you zoom in on the second pic you can actually see me drowning myself in the background

ciscanorris1 💓💓

yourusername love you🥰

user6 wait i don’t have twitter can someone explain

user7 oh BABE you’ve got some catching up to do

yourusername my fav boy love you to saturn ☺️🧡

landonorris i love you more than you love taylor swift🥰

yourusername ok settle down babe don’t go too far

landonorris no sorry you’re right

user8 when he understands that ones love for taylor is never beaten >>>>>

user9 i need them biblically

user10 i still don’t understand how they hid her for 5 years lmfaoooo

user11 yourusername ok y/n but did he take you to the eras tour

yourusername he got us tickets for a uk show later this year 🥰🥰

user12 now, how’d that curly haired vroom vroom bitch pull HER

liked by landonorris!

my other works !

[try-set-me-on-fire]

I have been crying on and off about that Tommy MCD fic idea since you posted about it. The way you write emotional devastation is soooo good. It always punches me in the gut.

Thank you thank you here’s some more of it… using this as my fuck it Friday post, thanks for the tag @eddiebabygirldiaz, tagging @colonoscopys @homerforsure @chronicowboy @shitouttabuck @bigfootsmom @daffi-990 @butchdiaz @ anyone else who has stuff they want to share!

Going to put a lot of this under a cut because one its long two it’s a major character death au and there’s a bit about past contemplation of suicide. But it’s kind of happy generally I swear! This is Buck and Eddie getting together sort of!

For more of this au I’ve been tagging it ‘the seconds ticking killed us all a million years before the fall’ (lyrics from standing outside a broken phone booth with money in my hand)

I’ve hated and thought this scene was pretty good in turns over the last few hours so whatever here you go!

Eddie thinks the creaking on the front porch might be a raccoon, at first. It’s light, comes and goes for several minutes. He should probably go shoo it away, but it’s two am and he’s sore all over and can’t be damned. He’s settling further into the couch and his various ice packs when the raccoon knocks. Hesitant, hesitant, loud, loud, louder. Eddie stands up with only a slight groan, ice packs flopping all over the place, and goes to the door.

Buck stands on the other side of it.

If Eddie hadn’t been so exhausted yet in too much pain to fall asleep, he thinks he might have expected this. If he was a little more exhausted, a little more hurt, he might have admitted to hoping for it. As it is, all he can do for a moment is blink at the apparition before him. Buck is pale, wild eyed, looking somehow thinner than when they’d last seen each other not that many hours ago. His hands come up to hover near Eddie’s shoulders as Eddie is also reaching out, so he ends up with his fingers colliding into an awkward fist against Buck’s elbow.

“Eddie.” He sounds wrecked. “I’m- I’m sorry, I-”

“It’s alright,” Eddie says, soft, shaking his head. “I’m okay, Buck. I’m still okay. Like I promised.”

Buck makes a terrible little noise and steps backward, and again, off the porch. Eddie follows, hands out, trying to make sure he won’t trip. “Eddie,” he says again, “Eddie.”

“It’s okay,” Eddie says, keeping his voice low, calming, less likely to wake any neighbors. “Buck, it’s okay. Do you want to come inside?”

Buck looks up behind Eddie, where the door is wide open. Light spills through, shining in his eyes, in the unshed tears there. “I don’t want to… waste… any time I have.”

“What-”

Buck kisses him. The sound Eddie makes is more frightened than anything, even as his arms come up around Buck, to hold him close, to hold him up. It’s not- it’s wet, and Buck’s fingers almost hurt where they’re dug into the sides of Eddie’s head. Their faces are pressed too hard together, noses crushed into cheeks. Their lips are barely even aligned. Buck gasps a hitching breath into his mouth and Eddie pulls back. Not away, just enough to speak.

“Come inside,” he pleads. “Buck, come inside, just- please, come inside.”

Buck doesn’t let go of him, doesn’t give him an inch, but lets Eddie pull him into the house. Eddie’s not sure how he manages not to trip going blind and backwards, but they make it through the door, down the hall, to the living room. Eddie’s not even sure if he’d count what’s happening as kissing, but Buck’s mouth presses into his over and over as they go.

“It’s okay,” Eddie says, between the moments of contact. “It’s okay,” he says as he kicks a shoe or something out of their path, “It’s okay,” as sits back down on the couch. Buck climbs on top of him immediately, and Eddie hopes the combined weight of them doesn’t pop the ice pack that ended up crushed under his thigh. It is kissing, now, the desperate kind of making out Eddie remembers with Shannon in the day or two on either side of his deployments. Eddie slides his hands to rest firm against Buck’s lower back to anchor him — or maybe both of them — and follows Buck’s lead as their lips slide together, as Buck gets his mouth open and chases his tongue, as they gasp raggedly for air without ever breaking apart. He’s not sure, but he thinks Buck is crying. Eddie isn’t, barely. Buck needs someone solid right now, someone who will let him take what he needs and be okay if this is it, if this is the only time they have this. Because Eddie’s not fooling himself. He laid there at the bottom of that pit under all that rubble and heard Buck’s scream, first wordless, and then Tommy, and then Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. He knows that this might all be too much, too soon, too mixed up, and if Buck pulls away from this kiss and never comes in for another one that’s okay. He wishes, maybe, that it could have happened different. He wishes Buck had been smiling, and it had been gentler, on a bright afternoon, on a good day. But it’s okay.

It goes until Buck’s elbow catches a bruise and Eddie can’t stop a small, pained sound from getting out. Buck jerks back like he touched a hot stove, eyes open to near circles as he looks Eddie all over. Eddie knows it's sort of a rough picture, all purple and blue and a fresh line of stitches cutting a half moon around his temple from forehead to just under his mole. Buck’s fingers come up to trace it, not quite touching the skin. Just the shape, in the air.

“S-sorry,” he whispers. “I’m so- I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Eddie says again. He wipes a thumb under Buck’s eye, though it doesn’t do much to clear away the still falling tears. Buck leans into the touch, though, and then in further, head cradling against Eddie’s shoulder as he slides half off him onto the couch. Eddie slides his fingers into Buck’s hair, wraps his other arm around him as Buck coughs muffled little sobs into his t-shirt.

“S-sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize, Buck.” His hair feels a little limp, greasy. Eddie wonders if he went home at all, took a shower, ate. His own fridge is kind of dire — he was planning on going to the grocery store after work until a building collapsed on him — but he could probably scrounge up something. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I scared you.”

Buck scoffs a single, wet laugh. “No,” he says, voice thin, scrubbing at his face as he sits more upright. “It’s not- you didn’t do it on purpose. That’s the job, right?”

The job that killed your husband. Why would you want to do this a second time? I care for you so much and I’m so sorry you reciprocate. “Yeah. Still.”

Buck inhales and exhales, shaky, and nods in thanks. He makes a face and pulls another ice pack out from under him. It’s all floppy now, probably too warm to be effective. “God. Let me…” He stands, gathering up all the ice packs he can see and heading towards the kitchen.

“You don’t have to-”

“I’ll be just a minute.”

Eddie sighs, leaning back into the couch and listening to the freezer door open and its contents get shuffled around. The soft hiss of it shutting, Buck’s footsteps, Buck in the doorway sheepishly holding an armful of frozen vegetables. Eddie arranges peas and carrots over the worst sore spots as Buck sits back down beside him.

“Did you take anything?”

“Yeah, just before you got here.” Extra strength ibuprofen, so he won’t be good to take anything else until morning. Wasn’t going to be a problem when he thought he was just going to sleep, though he wishes he’d taken a smaller dose now so he could spread them out, time it better to however long they’ll be talking here.

“Good.” Buck sighs, looking at him with furrowed brows. “Sorry I… I didn’t mean to be so dramatic, coming here.”

Eddie laughs, startled and genuine. “It’s, uh, been a dramatic day.”

Buck hums agreement, a tired and beautiful smile pulling at his lips. He flops his head sideways onto the couch. “I kind of had a… an idea.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhmm. Of what I was going to say. Because…” he searches Eddie's face. “I'm not- I'm not making it up, right? There's something here? You feel it too?”

Eddie can barely breathe. “Yeah, I- it's not just you. But- Buck, I understand why you wouldn't want to do this, why you wouldn't want to take the risk. I- I have feelings for you,” it feels like a childish way to say it even as the words leave his mouth, “But I… you're my friend. I think you're my best friend. And I am truly fine with that. You don’t have to… it’s okay.”

That smile. “That’s the thing. That’s what I’ve been thinking about. N-not just today. Though, I guess- you scaring the shit out of me made it more- more real.” He chews at his lip for a moment. “I… spend a lot of time wishing… that I had more of it, with Tommy. That we had longer together. Or at least that I- that I’d made sure every minute counted, you know? B-but I think maybe I did? I loved him so much and we- it was good, what we had. Just because it ended, that doesn’t mean the rest wasn’t worth it. I’d love him again, knowing what was coming. And, so…” he takes a deep breath. “So I’ve been thinking that… even if I… even if something bad could happen- I don’t want that to stop me from having something good, now.”

“Buck-”

“Hold on,” Buck says, a hand up, a wry smile. “I have a part two.”

“Okay.” Eddie’s turned towards him without really noticing, both of them sitting one leg folded up on the couch so their knees touch.

“I’m not… going to stop loving Tommy. And I’m, uh- kind of a fucking mess, as I just demonstrated. I don’t- know that I’m- going to be any less messy any time soon.” There’s a furrow in his brows that Eddie wants to smooth out. “I don’t know that starting something would be fair to you.”

“I-”

“You’re a very kind man, Eddie.” Buck says it very softly, and one of his hands comes to rest so gently on Eddie’s leg. “I think you’d let me fall apart here forever, but I want- I want you to really think if it’s worth it-”

“Buck.” Eddie’s voice is sharp enough that Buck blinks several times, quick. “Don’t- you’re worth it. Your pain isn’t- it’s not some kind of chore to me. I haven’t been just- hanging around, waiting until you’re a fun guy. I like you, Buck, right now, not- not some other perfectly okay version of you.”

Buck’s fingers twitch against Eddie’s thigh. “You’re a very kind man,” he repeats.

“I don’t even know if that’s true,” Eddie sighs, the material of the couch soft where he rests his cheek against it. “I just…” He thinks back to that first day Buck showed up at the station, and then to every day after that. “I think I always just wanted… to make your life easier.”

“Oh.” Buck shuts his eyes, whistles a breath through his nose. “You- you do. You do, Eddie.”

They’re quiet, at an impasse. The whole world is quiet, here at nearing 3 am with all the colors purple dark outside of this lamp lit room. Eddie can hear crickets and frogs if he listens hard enough. “Tommy was my friend. I’ve felt… guilty.”

Buck opens his eyes again. “For liking me?”

Eddie smiles a little at the phrasing — Sophia’s 8th grade voice saying like-like in his head — and nods. “It feels… disrespectful. He loved you so much, I don’t- I don’t know how he’d feel about it.”

Buck scratches a nail absently against the fabric of Eddie’s sweatpants. “We talked about it, a little.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. The jobs we have, you know? It’s not like- it’s not like we never got hurt, never thought about what would happen if one of us…” Buck shrugs, and his smile aches this time. “I told him if I died he had to be sad forever, only love me the rest of his life.”

Eddie laughs. “Mm. Reasonable ask.”

Buck nods, smile getting bigger, almost a grin. “I didn’t mean it, but… You know, I think he would have. He was teasing when he promised, but… he was serious, too, I think.” He sighs. “He told me he was scared I wouldn’t let anyone love me. He said I-” Buck’s voice cracks badly enough he has to wait a few moments to continue. “I’m too easy to love. I shouldn’t- I shouldn’t go without it.”

Eddie feels a little wide eyed. “That’s…”

“Isn’t that just annoyingly romantic?” Buck laughs, wiping his eyes. “Reasonable ask. Jesus.” He scrubs harder. “I think he… he wanted to make my life easier, too. You’re… you’re so alike, sometimes.” He winces. “No, that’s- I don’t mean- that’s not why I-”

“No, it’s… I know you’re not trying to replace him.” It’s not like he hasn’t had the thought, himself. He and Tommy got on so well in part because they were alike. Shared hobbies, both army, both carrying around a complicated relationship with their families and their sexuality. But they’re their own people. And- “I wouldn’t want to… try to be that, for you.”

“I wouldn’t ask you to.”

There’s another quiet minute. Hesitantly, Eddie rests his hand palm up next to Buck’s. Buck slides their fingers together, and they fit as well as any hands do. “So… what do you want to do? What do you want to happen?”

Buck squeezes. “I… I’m not sure.”

Eddie nods. “Has there… am I the first person? After?”

Buck’s eyes get a little calculating, like he’s not sure he should say whatever comes next. “I hooked up with a girl, a few months in, uh, a little before I came to the 118. In a bar somewhere, I don’t even remember… And then I went home and, uh-” he winces, glances to the side. “I almost killed myself.”

“Buck-” Jesus, jesus-

“No, no-” Buck squeezes tighter, sits up a little straighter. “I didn’t. I didn’t and I wouldn’t. I- I’m safe, I promise, Eddie. It wasn’t- it wasn’t even actually an attempt, I just… thought about it.” He swallows. “It was close, I guess.”

Eddie’s clinging more than holding his hand. “Buck- if- I don’t want to-”

“No,” Buck shakes his head, firm. “I didn’t tell you because I- I thought if we-” his other hand wraps around the two of theirs. “I don’t want you to think if we move forward you’re putting me in danger. You’re not. I- I wasn’t doing well back then, it was hardly even about- it was a lot of things. I’m going to be okay, I swear.”

“If- If you’re ever not-” words feel like physical objects in Eddie’s throat, choking and uncomfortable. “Promise me you’ll tell someone, Buck. It- it doesn’t have to be me, just- promise me.”

“I promise,” Buck says, solemn, serious. His thumb rubs gently at the back of Eddie’s hand. “I’m sorry, I- I shouldn’t have told you that.”

“No,” Eddie disagrees immediately. “It’s… I asked. I want to know. I-” they complete another loop on this circle of a conversation. “I told you, your pain isn’t a chore. You don’t need to hide anything from me.”

“Right,” Buck sighs.

“Buck.”

“No, I-” Buck laughs a little at Eddie’s admonishing tone. “That was a right, I understand, not a yeah, right. I just-” he takes a hand away from the tangle they’ve got going and runs it through his hair. “God, I’m tired.”

Eddie nods. He’s exhausted, down in his bones. “Okay. I’ve got two things to say that don’t really go together, this time.”

“Okay,” Buck smiles at him, eyes crunched up and fond. “Hit me.”

“First, I think…” Eddie sits up straighter, too, takes a deep breath. “I like you, Buck. I- care for you. I- I-” Truth has to go both ways. Fuck it. “I’m in love with you. You should probably know that.”

Buck nods, eyes wet again. “Okay.”

“But I think if we… If you want to try being together, we should take it slow, and if you need to back out, that's okay. You’re my friend, and I swear to you that’s more important to me than anything else. So… So we have to just keep being honest with each other, even if it might hurt.”

“Alright,” Buck nods again, wiping his eyes. He manages a smile. “Was that the second thing, or…”

Eddie shakes his head, lips quirking up. “No. The second thing is, you wanna come sleep with me?”

Buck throws his head back laughing, almost losing balance where he sits. Eddie grabs his elbow to make sure he won’t fall over. “Eddie-”

“It’s late,” Eddie explains, not bothering to keep the adoration out of his voice now that he doesn’t really have to. “You shouldn’t drive home, my bed’s more comfortable than the couch.”

Buck laughs again, resting his elbow on the couch and his chin on his hand. He looks at Eddie, and Eddie thinks there’s plenty of adoration in that gaze, too. He shakes his head, though. “I think I’ll still take the couch tonight, if that’s okay.”

“Of course it is.”

Buck raises their still clasped hands and kisses Eddie’s knuckles, holding his smile pressed into the skin there for a few moments. “And in the morning we can start to… figure out the rest of it?”

“Yeah,” Eddie whispers. Smiles once, twice. “See you then. Looking forward to it.”

Buck ducks his head, though his smile is still visible. “Yeah. Me too. Go- get some sleep, Eddie. I’ll-” he laughs, looking around them. “I’ll put away your peas.”

“Oh,” Eddie lifts up a bag of mushy vegetables. “No, I can do it, don’t worry about it.”

“Eddie.” Buck stands, gently taking the bag, and hesitating only a moment before he bends down and carefully kisses his cheek. From only a few inches away, eyes soft and close and blue, he says “I want to make your life easier, too.”

Eddie swallows hard, rests his hand against Buck’s cheek for just a second, and nods, momentarily incapable of words. Buck is halfway to the kitchen when he manages to say “Goodnight, Buck.”

Buck turns in the doorway. Smiles. “Goodnight, Eddie. See you in the morning.”

[atzjieun]

mixtape: sophie

sophie is the first solo mixtape of ATEEZ’s Jieun and was released on December 28, 2024. The mixtape consists of three tracks, all written by Jieun and meant as a birthday gift for fans.

TRACK LISTING

Day/Night (feat. Hongjoong) 

Lyrics: Jieun, Hongjoong

Music: Jieun, Hongjoong, EDENARY

Once Upon A Time

Lyrics: Jieun

Music: Jieun, EDENARY

Weather

Lyrics: Jieun

Music: Jieun, EDENARY

PUBLIC RECEPTION

There was no prior announcement regarding the mixtape’s release– everything was posted at midnight on the 28th 

Atinys were shocked, to say the least. Some even thought that it was an accident and joked that an intern was gonna get fired

But then Jieun posted the album cover and all the members reposted it, so they realized it was on purpose

Atinys have been begging for more writer Jieun since Eternal Sunshine, so to say atinytwt blew up was an understatement

#JOLO #sophie #JieunSolo all trended on her birthday along with her birthday tags

People recognized Day/Night because she once played a few seconds of it during a live back in 2023!

But Once Upon A Time was by far the favourite amongst atiny and even locals

It ended up going semi-viral on tiktok and instagram as people were posting cute winter videos with the audio

Jieun joined the trend and posted some cute videos of her and the boys <3

Once Upon A Time ended up peaking at #9 on MelOn, which felt very fitting

Overall, the mixtape was very well-received by the public and loved by many, which gave Jieun more confidence to hopefully release more music in the feature

JIEUN’s MESSAGE

Hiii atiny~ It’s Jieunie 😊 Can you already believe it’s my 6th birthday with atiny? I feel like every year I learn something new on my birthday that I get to take into the next year since it’s only three days before new year’s. This year taught me a lot of things and gave me so many fun memories that I’ll cherish forever, like meeting atinys from around the world and getting to explore new cities. If there was one big lesson that I learned this year, it’s that things aren’t always as they seem, so you should always try to see the whole picture first. This can be applied to so many things, so treat those around you kindly because you only see what they choose to show you. 

Anyways, I’m really excited to share these songs that I’ve been working on for a long time. Day/Night can be interpreted in multiple ways, with the main theme revolving around the feeling of being tethered to your past. This could come in the form of a past relationship, or past mistakes that continue to haunt you despite how many days and nights have passed. Another reason it’s called Day/Night is because Hongjoong-oppa and I wrote this song together during a really long writing session that went from the evening to the morning LOL. It was originally supposed to be just a solo song, but Hongjoong-oppa has helped me become the songwriter I am today, so I made him sing :) 

Once Upon A Time is the most recent of the three songs. It almost didn’t make the cut! But I love this song a lot and worked really hard to finish it so I could include it in the mixtape. During the writing process for this song, the chorus was the first thing I wrote. I realized afterwards that almost the entire chorus was in English, so I just decided to write the rest of the song in English to match. It took me a while to decide on a name for this song and for a while it was just untitled because I couldn’t think of a name I liked. Some of the other names I had were “Fairytale,” “Lonely Night,” and “Hug Me,” but I think Once Upon A Time fits well. 

Weather is an older song that was written back in 2021 while I was bored in quarantine. Like me, this song has grown a lot through the years. I struggled a little bit when it was first written because I had a clear idea of how I wanted it to sound, but I wasn’t very good at guitar back then so I couldn’t meet my expectations. Almost three years later though, I’m proud of how far it’s come. I’ve never been good at expressing my feelings, so instead I wrote this song for the people that I love, whether it be my members, my family, or atiny. It’s important to remember that no matter how difficult things get or how much life changes, love is always going to remain, so it’s important to hold onto it and give it while you can. 

With that said, this mixtape is my gift for atiny who have always given me so much love. I hope you’re all staying warm these winter days and spending time with your loved ones this holiday season, but for those that are unable to, I hope you’re still taking care of yourself. This message is already way too long, but I just want to say one more thing: Thank you for always being there for me. Stay safe and remember that you’re loved. 

– Jieunie <3

[sincerelyneo]

little run down: i want to thank the wonderful @hazyhae for tagging me to do this—it looked super fun, and i think it’s so cute to reflect on your works. i will say, though, my layout won’t be anywhere near as cute as theirs because i’m lazy and completely lacking any once of artistic talent. so we’re stuck with comic sans.

i didn’t write as much as i wanted to this year, and i went MIA for six months without a word—sorryy. but somehow, i still ended up with a total of 23 works. if you’d like to check them out, i have a very interesting masterlist for you to peruse.

“every fic you write is a song fic”…well sorta kinda 😋

FIRST WORK OF 2024: woman- renjun (27/3)

notes: i wrote this because i’m a firm believer that renjun is so hs1 coded. i was obsessed with the line “i’m selfish, i know” from woman, so it felt fitting.

my writing in this just annoys me, like paige shut uppp and stop yapping, my lord. my earlier fics are so wordy and long winded and it bothers me so much.

LAST WORKS OF 2024: igloo - renjun (17/11)

notes: started with renjun and finished with renjun yup. i love kiof, and when i heard igloo, i was like, this needs a fic—but i couldn’t settle on an idea i liked. originally, it was gonna be a toxic enemies-with-benefits fic for jeno, but i scrapped it because i wasn’t feeling it. then all of a sudden, it was november, and everyone and their mothers were writing nnn fics, and i was like… hm, okay.

i’m not really a lover of no nut november fics, but the lyrics were too fitting for the idea i settled on. so, alas—igloo.

LONGEST FIC OF 2024: fireproof - jeno (8.4k)

notes: is this cheating because i technically posted it in 2023 on my old blog? yeah. but it’s my wrapped, and i make the rules. my blog is a dictatorship, and whatever i say goes. also, if i hadn’t picked this, woman was the next longest, and i’ve already talked about her.

my writing in this is honestly horrific, and i think my old blog fics make me feel the most insecure as a writer. still, so many people asked me to repost it here, so i did—but i really wish i’d edited it first lol.

SHORTEST FIC OF 2024: sunflower vol 6 - hyuck (1.4k)

notes: harry styles wrote this song about haechan and i think about that all the time so i wanted to write something short and sweet. this is my only sfw fic as of now…

MOST POPULAR OF 2024: mad at you - mark

notes: umm…thank u for making this my most popular fic. ily <3

one thing about me… i’m a sucker for miscommunication, angst, and arguing in my fan fiction. a third-act breakup? sign me the hell up every single time. i love that this is my most popular fic of the year because i love the hurt/comfort trope.

PERSONAL FAVE OF 2024: heaven - chenle

notes: chenle is my bias, and it’s so hard to find fics where he’s a silly, lovesick lover boy, so i had to take matters into my own hands. i know i literally just said i love angst, but sometimes all a girl wants is tooth-rotting fluff with her smut, and i think i pulled that off pretty well in this fic. idk…

notes: i posted at least 3 fics for each member this year because i have a lot of ideas, and i like to spread them evenly—i also know the struggle of trying to find fics for your bias. however, hyuck + chenle definitely got a little more love (nobody’s surprised).

haechan (5 fics total: 12.1k words)

chenle (4 fics total: 16.0k words)

warning: i can be a little flaky with my writing. sometimes an idea hits, and i’ll write it in one sitting; other times, i’ll start something and forget about it for months. so, don’t be too disappointed if some of these never see the light of day.

guilty as sin? — park jisung (college!au, golden boy x nerd)

The hot upperclassman on the basketball team is every girl's fantasy - well yours. He's tall, and sweet and lean and hot and the object of all your late-night scenarios. And you like it like that. He's simply a thought, a dream, escapism and completely unaware of your existence. Well, he was, until you're assigned to tutor him. And now you have to teach the guy you've been getting off to at night how to do algebra...or fail the class yourself.

unadulterated loathing — na jaemin (enemies to lovers)

Every winter break, you and your best friends rent a cabin to escape the stress of college for a week. Except this year, your best friend is bringing her new boyfriend, Jeno, and with him comes his best friend, Jaemin—the one person you cannot stand.

ballad of a homeschooled girl — lee haechan (college!au)

Jumping from 18 years of homeschooling to living in college dorms would be hard for anyone; so imagine that mixed with a party animal roommate, a first crush and the cocky arrogant Lee Haechan who you just keep running into at inconvenient times. And he’s so irritating. Ugh. Could this get anymore awkward? 

if you steal my fic ideas i will be in your walls. 🤨

oh and…i forgot to mention: @sincerelyriize

[bbcphile]

AO3 Wrapped 2024 (Writer's Edition)

Thanks for the tag, @momosandlemonsoda, and for the asks, @evolutionsbedingt and @hideyseek! :D 

1. How many words have you written this year?

I’ve posted 14,838 words to AO3 this year, which is exciting after around six years of not being able to write because of medical stuff! This year, I’ve also written an addition 72,107 for my MLC long fic draft, and I have an additional 20k words in my “MLC rejected text” docs, plus another 9488 words of meta I posted on Tumblr (I’m not going to look at the wordcount of the “rejected text” file for my CPTSD metas). So, all together, that’s 116,433 words between January 1st and mid-September, which I’m pretty excited about!

2. How many works did you publish this year?

Just 2 fics on AO3: "What's Sealed Away" and "Waning Marks and Dawning Realizations."

3. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?

I’ve talked before about why I’m proud of “What’s Sealed Away,” but I haven’t said much about “Waning Marks and Dawning Realizations” here yet, so I’ll say more about that. It didn’t get nearly as much engagement as “What’s Sealed Away,” but I’m equally proud of it. I was so excited with what I was doing with the flour symbolism and the ways in which trauma leaves its marks–physical and psychological–and that while those marks can’t be wiped away, you can still make a good and happy life regardless. It was really really important to me to write something where even though LLH is healed from Bicha physically, he and DFS still have plenty of emotional wounds from it that they are still learning to navigate. It was fun to write something that was fluffy and sexy and had great banter, but also was an incredibly serious meditation on trauma and the way it lingers. Yay for trying to capture the contradictions of life? Anyway, I hope more people read it/comment on it eventually, because I’m really proud of it.

4. What work of yours has the most hits? 

What’s Sealed Away is the work from this year that has the most hits (1,140).

5. What work of yours got more feedback than you expected?

It was so exciting to get such a positive response for “What’s Sealed Away.” I definitely go back and reread the comments if I need a reminder of my own abilities. It made me so happy to see people quoting the lines they’d enjoyed the most, or identifying the thematic work I was doing, or just having feelings about the characters and how I’d written them! 

6. Favorite title you used? 

I’m still so very proud of “What’s Sealed Away” as a title and the many different ways that can be read and interpreted. :D

7. If you use song lyrics, which artist’s songs did you pull from the most? 

I didn’t use song lyrics in these fics, sorry!

8. Pairing you wrote the most for this year? 

I’ve published the most for Di Feisheng/Li Lianhua, but I’ve written the most for the Lotus Trio (Di Feisheng/Li Lianhua/Fang Duobing), even though these 3 haven't gotten together yet in the fic. *facepalm *

9. Favorite pairing you wrote for this year? 

It’s hard to say! Dihua is definitely easier for me to write for than the Lotus Trio, but I love difanghua a lot, too.

10. What work was the quickest to write? 

“What’s Sealed Away” was surprisingly the quickest, despite its length. It took about a week between the moment of coming up with the premise to the moment I hit publish on AO3.

11. What work took you the longest to write? 

My MLC long fic, which is 72k and still going, and I’m only just about in the middle of it (*wails *). When I’m not having crises of self-confidence, I’m fairly proud of it and really enjoy working on it, but wow, I sometimes wish I had picked an easier and less emotionally complicated subject with less character development to write about, because then I would have finished it several times over by now. 

12. How many WIP’s do you have in your docs for next year? 

*Cries * Heh. Ummmmmmm. Too many? So, my MLC long fic, obviously, and then there’s also the sequel to the anniversary fic which I’m collaborating on with @greentealycheejelly, and then there are about 5 other WIPS for MLC that I have entirely outlined and just haven’t been able to write because life keeps kicking my ass. (Also, I have two different Fangs of Fortune fics that I want to write, but that might not happen because of all the other things on my to write list.)

13. What’s your longest work of the year? 

The MLC long fic in terms of things not on AO3. “What’s Sealed away” (11,135 words) in terms of fics on AO3.

14. What’s your shortest work of the year? 

“Waning Marks and Dawning Realizations” (3703 words). 

15. What WIP are you taking into next year with you?

MLC long fic and the anniversary sequel. 

16. What’s your most common “Additional Tags” tag? 

Sharing a bed. :D 

17. Your favorite character to write this year? 

Oooh. Probably Di Feisheng. I just love the gaping chasm between what he shows to the world and what’s happening internally, although that’s ironically less obvious in the fics I’ve posted to AO3 this year compared to what I’ve written for the MLC long fic.

18. The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

Probably Li Lianhua. I love that I get to be a little more poetic while writing his POV, but my main challenge with him is how much he won’t let himself contemplate or acknowledge. I mean, it’s fun to hint at all the things happening under the surface that he won’t fully name or admit to, but I also spend a lot of time rewriting and trying to make things more opaque and less explicit.

19. What’s one pairing you want to explore next year?

I am very much looking forward to reaching the point in my long fic where Difanghua is actually together and playing with the intricacies and growing pains of that relationship.

20. Which work of yours have you reread the most?

Probably “What’s Sealed Away.” Normally, I can barely reread my own published work without wanting to delete it, massively edit it, or just hide under a blanket for the rest of time, and the fact that I occasionally voluntarily re-read it and find things to like and be proud of about it is pretty exciting. :D 

21. How many kudos in total did you get this year? 

213! (well, for my new fics. I know I got some for some of my older fics but I don't know how to track that.)

22. Which work has the most comments?

“What’s Sealed Away” (63 comments in 26 threads). 

23. Did you do any collaborative works this year?

@greentealycheejelly and I started working on the sequel to “Waning Marks and Dawning Realizations,” but had to put it on hold while my life exploded. Hopefully we can get back to it in the new year!

24. Did you write any gifts this year? 

I did! “Waning Marks and Dawning Realizations,” for @exitvelocities as part of the dihua exchange.

25. Did you receive any gifts this year? 

I did! And I feel so very loved! Thank you to @the-wintry-mizzenmast for “無路可走可回歸 No One is Lost,” to @omgpurplefattie for “The End of the Tether,” to @evolutionsbedingt for “To All the Things I've Lost On You” and “The Tassel Incident,” to @momosandlemonsoda for “Out of the Spotlight,” and to @eirenical for “From the Mud of Adversity.” And for art, thank you to @greentealycheejelly for this amazing illustration from “What’s Sealed Away.” (Wow, I am tearing up typing this all up! Seriously, thank you all! You’re all amazing! <3 ) 

26. What’s your most common category? 

M/M

27. What do you listen to while writing? 

Heh. Well, it’s the wrong fandom and it’s more sound than music, but I usually put on tabletop audio’s “age of sail” soundscape. I always had it on in the background while writing “Harboured and Encompassed” back in the day, and now it just automatically helps me calm down and focus, even though there aren’t any tall ships in my fics. :D 

I’m still searching for the right music to write to for my long fic, so I really hope I find it soon, because it makes things so much easier!

28. Favorite work you wrote this year?

I love them all, but I guess I’ll choose “What’s Sealed Away,” because I’m still proud of my take on a-Fei with amnesia.

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year? 

Oh yikes. Um, I’m bad at choosing favorites, so here’s one from each of the two fics I posted this year:

From “What’s Sealed Away”: “Then, he wouldn’t have to wonder what else he liked or didn’t like, or what skills or abilities he had yet to discover. Or why Li Lianhua’s name felt wrong in his mouth, but only his dao had felt as right against his palm as the man’s hand.”

**

From “Waning Marks”: “Di Feisheng stilled, then slowly turned towards him, shoulders almost imperceptibly straightening. Di Mengzhu’s proud and unflinching eyes met his own, but underneath that, like the black zhongyi beneath a coating of flour, a-Fei’s did, too, wearing the wince the rest of him tried to bury. Li Lianhua waited, letting a-Fei search his expression and catalog the twitches at the corner of his lips and the faint dampness at the corners of his eyes that together voiced the words he couldn’t speak.

A-Fei dipped his head in a nearly invisible nod, a hint of a smile curling his lip as his shoulders lost their infinitesimal hint of tension. “Good morning,” he said, as though he didn’t look like he’d been caught in a blizzard and he hadn’t stayed up all night cooking for them.

This ridiculous, dear, impossible man. “You know, Di-mengzhu,” Li Lianhua began, clearing the distance between them, “if you missed snow so much, we could have gone north instead of south for the winter.”

A-Fei snorted. “You never dust. I didn’t think you’d notice.”

Li Lianhua tried and failed to suppress a smile, and covered it by brushing the flour off a-Fei’s shoulder. “You do realize you’re supposed to knead dough with only a fraction of your strength?”

A-Fei rolled his eyes. “I did.”

Li Lianhua huffed out a laugh. “A small fraction of your strength.”

“It’s not my fault the brat’s recipe lacked precision,” a-Fei grumbled, setting the sheet of paper in question on the counter.

Li Lianhua had no choice but to kiss the hint of a pout off his lips, wiping a streak of white off his cheekbone with his thumb in the process.

30. Biggest surprise while writing this year? 

That I was able to write at all? That may sound strange, but I’m being completely serious: I’m still so excited that my health was stable enough for the better part of 8 months to write so much, after years and years of barely even having the energy to write an email! I’m really hoping that once we move to the new place and finish getting rid of our possessions the mold apartment 2.0 contaminated, I’ll be able to stop feeling so sick all the time and will get back to writing! Fingers crossed! 

Tagging @eirenical, @evolutionsbedingt @the-wintry-mizzenmast, @howdaretrashships, @la-muerta, @thesilversun, @exitvelocities, and @hideyseek, but no pressure if you don’t want to do it!

[cleolinda]

Weekend links, May 12, 2024

My posts

Your head is hurting and your wifi is out because the biggest solar flare/geomagnetic storm in 20 years hit this weekend. I didn’t actually get to see the aurora borealis, but apparently it really did come down as far as Alabama. 

I admit that this was an extremely glib reply. But like, Athena specifically doesn’t like people claiming they’re better than her, so you can imagine the carnage when you throw in two more goddesses as well.  

(I feel like that post happened a month ago. This week has felt so ungodly long.)

Reblogs of interest

Hot Vintage Lady Bracket: Round 6. Eight polls. Poll Mod immediately chose violence and put Marilyn Monroe against Hedy Lamarr. Since Ava Gardner is out (actual shockers: Greta Garbo and Rita Hayworth are also gone), I was going to say “I’m just Chaos Elmo Flames Dot Gif about it all” but now I’m just scared. 

(Why would you ask us, a hot vintage poll blog, this)

Dracula Daily is in full swing again, and you can eat along!

The Met Gala was honestly decent this year! I reblogged only (some of) the ones I liked, including some of the construction details and a lot of Zendaya, although my favorite might have been Rebecca Ferguson with the crows. 

A while back and not what he wore to the Gala, but: Lil Nas X looking beautiful in a rose garden.

Hozier Watch 2024: I really thought there wasn’t going to be anything else and then he was like, “Oh I should probably put out a video for my accidental international #1.” I am entirely disgruntled that he was here last weekend and I couldn’t go. 

From the top of the week, Drake vs. Kendrick Lamar: An explainer. Also, Kendrick recs.

MrBeast is living in a joyless hell of his own making, and I at least understand now why he has always freaked me out. 

So anyway noted plagiarist James Somerton is alive and well on Twitter, where he’s... well, he sure is there. The words “hole posting” are involved. Another explainer for you. 

Lynda Carter proves she’s on Tumblr

We put our faith in BLAST HARDCHEESE

Peace and love on planet Earth and also in the Uber

“thinking about middle aged gay love is like. we have a future and we have time”

While there are merits to this concern, “Writers should all clown on Americans by making up places in THEIR country” doesn’t really sting when we’re all like “Yeah we love doing that!!!” I personally give you all permission to make up as many wackadoodle state names as you want. You can have West Mainolina for free. 

Meanwhile in Alabama: Bad, bad Leroy Brown, the baddest fish in the whole damn town

RIP Walnut the crane: “The Bride”

Dinosaurs are terrible lizards

Teaching consent is a many-faceted thing

Become ungovernable: grill edition

Video

Galadriel’s opening Fellowship of the Ring monologue, but it’s the Deep South (U.S.). “Across the county line in Mordor, the Dark Lord Sauron made his self another ring outta everything mean the devil put in him.” Absolutely pitch perfect. 

Also pitch perfect: Wellness influencers with terrible advice

“Mooom, the chocolate alchemist has an accomplice now!”

I will always reblog cheetah sounds

The Collage Atlas: a hand-drawn game on Steam

The sacred texts

South Canada. South South Canada. Canada A Bit to the Left

I think I’ve listed this compilation of parody lyrics (”I’m sorry Ms. Jackson/I am four eels”) before, but there’s more now

“Roses are red, that much is true, but violets are purple, not fucking blue”

Personal tags of the week

Scrungly and, as a related topic, Belphegor the Devon rex kitten.

[lifblogs]

ao3 wrapped [writers edition]

How many words have you written this year?

304,429. Wow, I’m stunned by this number.

How many works did you publish this year?

96!

What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?

I have to list a few. Brother, Hold Me Up, May They Be Remembered, The World Goes Cold, Mayday, We Do This Together, and May I Have This Dance? (I’m still stunned the artist who did the art this fic was based off of loves this fic, and that I was allowed to post their art with my fic!)

What work of yours has the most hits?

Brother, Hold Me Up.

What work of yours got more feedback than you expected?

And They Would Not Let Him Fall.

Favorite title you used

Brother, Hold Me Up, The World Goes Cold, Better Late Than Dead, Good Soldiers Follow Orders, May I Have This Dance?, File Name, Failed Objective (mostly because of the morbidity of what said objective was), A Cup of Caf, May They Be Remembered, Beautiful Treasures (I’m just in love with the dialogue this was based off of), Have You Heard of the Venomous Twirfang?, To Worship the Stars, and We’re a Family (based off of some canon Tech dialogue, the feels).

If you use song lyrics, which artist’s songs did you pull from the most?

Sam Tinnesz, and Ruelle.

Pairing you wrote the most for this year?

TechPhee.

Favorite pairing you wrote for this year?

Techlock, and TechPhee.

What work was the quickest to write?

I think Failed Objective.

What work took you the longest to write?

Brother, Hold Me Up, and The World Goes Cold. Honorary one-shots for this are May They Be Remembered, Mayday, and We Do This Together.

How many WIP’s do you have in your docs for next year?

4, I believe, and there is a LONG list of ideas.

What’s your longest work of the year?

Brother, Hold Me Up.

What’s your shortest work of the year?

Boop.

What WIP are you taking into next year with you?

Brother, Hold Me Up, of course.

What’s your most common “Additional Tags” tag?

Angst, and whump.

Your favorite character to write this year?

Oh gosh, how do I choose? Does every character I’ve written this year count? Okay, so my stats say Tech, and Hunter. Crosshair, and Omega have been a blast too! And I love writing Phee with Tech. She has this disarming kind of humor that works well in basically every scene.

The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

Echo. He isn’t a character I’ve focused on a lot.

What’s one pairing you want to explore next year?

Does more TechPhee, and more Techlock count? Maybe Crosshair and Rampart. Those two sure had something messed up.

Which work of yours have you reread the most?

Oh, this is a hard one! Probably The World Goes Cold, though I also want to say May They Be Remembered, Mayday, We Do This Together, and May I Have This Dance?.

How many kudos in total did you get this year?

4061. Holy hell, I had no idea.

Which work has the most comments?

Brother, Hold Me Up.

Did you do any collaborative works this year?

Yes! But it’s for a zine that is in the process of getting published.

Did you write any gifts this year?

Oh yeah. I wrote Eggs for my bestie @miss-mouse99, and I really loved getting to spend that time with Echo.

Did you receive any gifts this year?

I don’t believe so, but that’s okay.

What’s your most common category?

Gen.

What do you listen to while writing?

Just my best of The Bad Batch playlist.

Favorite work you wrote this year?

Fam, that’s a tough question. Too many are my favorites. I’d have to say just look at the works I’m proud of list.

Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

This entire passage. Brings me to tears every time.

“You may not know me,” Hunter began, drawing Omega’s attention back to him. “I’m a Ninety-Nine. So that would make sense. But I know you. I know that what was done to you here was unspeakable and that nothing can take away your months of pain, nothing will truly be enough to avenge it. But I see you all today, my brothers, and I want to let you know that I am with you. Men like Captain Rex, and Echo, and Captain Howzer are with you. I… I didn’t always like regs—regular clones—but today I see you, and I embrace you all. What the Empire has done to you is wrong. We are not Imperial property. We are not anyone’s property. We belong to ourselves, to each other. I look out at you now, and I finally understand the fight you all began. Your sacrifice can never be repaid. I am honored to be your brother, and…” he looked to Omega, smiling, even as tears welled in his eyes. “I am honored to be a father.” Omega beamed at him, and he turned back to the crowd, the brave army before them. “There is no fixing what was done to you,” he said. “But, we can start somewhere. This—this is for all of us—not just for who I see here today, but also in the names of those who aren’t.” 

Many clones started murmuring names, their voices loud as one, getting louder and louder as everyone joined together, voicing the fallen. They were like a broken chorus, weaving a melody through the chaos from their shared losses. It overwhelmed Omega, as if through their remembrance the spirits of those brutally and carelessly killed were by their sides, holding their hands.

“Emerie,” Omega joined in.

Crosshair beside her said, “Mayday.”

“May they be remembered…” Hunter went on. His burning eyes landed on Hemlock. “And may their vengeance find you even after death.”

Biggest surprise while writing this year?

I can effin’ write! See, I hadn’t been doing a lot of writing since some traumatic things happened to me the last few years that seemed to kill my writing spirit. And I hit my head on January 20th, and again on the 23rd, resulting in a TBI. I had no clue I could still write, and write well. And I WANTED to write. I NEEDED to write. The Bad Batch gave me that.

[fumifooms]

oh, sorry for so many asks, i also wanted to say too though i really agree so much with your chilchuck thoughts so far, even down to your personal headcanons about how things might go post-series. and you're absolutely right, i'll defend that little guy any day myself. you understand him so well and it's kind of relaxing to have someone else dish out this kind of analysis and already agree with all of it cus it's just so real, so thank you again for the Meal <- perhaps the perfect thing to say about dungeon meshi analysis when i think about it

i know you have playlists and stuff so i wanted to share a song i've been listening to that that reminds me of him: divine loser by clem turner

No worries, they’ve been a lot of fun! I do plan on getting back to each one btw, just gotta get through some other things first hopefully. Aaaah that’s really nice to hear 🥺 I do know the feeling haha, it’s always fun to have posts that Get It that you just nod along with 🤝 I’ve thought sooo much about Chilchuck I rotate him in my brain like rotisserie chicken more often than not, glad it all ended up being productive haha. Y’know recently my friends have been calling me a Chilchuck superfan/scholar jokingly and it actually made me have a realization moment of…

Bc I’ve always said Laios was my fave and like, he does mean everything to me idk if I’ve ever felt so seen as with Laios, I relate to him sooo much, but then. Okay alright that can be a different thing than a character being your favorite fine FINE I admit it Chilchuck’s my top blorbo. He’s so.🧍‍♂️I can’t even describe. He’s so….. He’s a clown but he’s also perfection in its best imperfect form I will not be taking further questions today. My friend called him my silly rabbit like that one meme and it makes me laugh sm

Thank you for the music rec!! I listened to it and yes agreed, sent straight to my Chil playlist. Songs are my bread and butter when I have character brainrot bc like with web weavings I feel like there are so many emotions and thoughts you can communicate about something so simply through one… (Which for anyone interested here’s my web weaving tag, got 2 about Chil). Gonna link all my dunmeshi playlists while I’m here: Dungeon Meshi, Chilchuck & his wife, marchil, Mithrun.

Ok everyone saw this coming but this ask ran away from me and I ramble about some song lyrics I associate with Chil & different facets of his life below the cut. Some people find my, ehem, heated rambles about Chil entertaining, this is your cue to get out the popcorn.

When thinking about songs for Chil I have 3 angles I take: About Chilchuck, about him and his wife, or about him & Marcille. Marchil is so engraved into me with their arcs together, that they’re like the concept of closure and letting go and letting yourself live again to me, sorry for all the non-enjoyers… But his dynamic with Marcille is a large part of his character arc so still fits, rock on.

I think currently my top song for him is Jackrabbit by San Fermin, because it combines all three it makes me go wild. It’s about trepidation… Throwing yourself into it even despite the fear (working with traps, survival in poverty where you have to rush & hustle), or just staying there paralyzed(not reaching out to his wife). Flight or freeze!! Saying goodbyes and saying hellos!! Not dying alone!! The life cycle of a wild rabbit living and dying, the baton pass race of life from generation to generation!! Chil and his daughters even!!! Going through life at a frenzied pace!! It is so Chilchuck and so marchil, and the music does give that hurried and scared energy to me too, and sigh the Marcille side to it with fear of death too…

Extra fun context but the other day on the discord server we were talking about what animal each character’s fursona would be as we do and I thought of a rabbit for Chilchuck: Quick footed, ‘cowardly’, small and frail and seen as weak 🙃, athletic and slender, pulls stunts, stressed out, has very fine hearing and has good instincts, etc. And ofc that fits really well with Marcille since she’s kinda associated with dungeon rabbits hehe~ But I think while Marcille’s 100% the cute round rabbit Chil’s more like a brown hare, more wild and like, more like a jackalope if we’re still doing monsters... I do lowkey find it more fun than his associated monster being mimics because he’s crabby, because they’re clever (with where they place themselves) and because of how he has a soft shell but soft insides, lol.

OKAY so that’s my song pick with the main 3 facets sure, now I’ll share some lyrics for each 3 sides separatedly 😈 Kinda summarizing my web weavings for him thus far. If we start with Chilchuck by himself we have… Enter One by Shelby Merry and Drunk by The Living Tombstone

With his wife, we have the bad end, and the good end for if they get back together with Lost Kitten by Metric and North by Sleeping At Last… Okay okay plus Love Like Ghosts and My Heart is Buried in Venice… Little Soldier by The Crane Wives for them also RUIN me

And Marchil… Marchil oh my beloved. Another buddy also made a full analysis on discord about Soap by The Oh Hellos for them lol, but these are Not I by I Fight Dragons and My Heart is Buried in Venice again~

Okay okay two more. Boats & Birds by Gregory and The Hawk, and Tummy by Tamino.

Finishing it up with quotes from, in order, A Softer World by Joey Comeau, Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky, Acknowledgements by Danez Smith, The Letter by Richard Paul Evans, and last but not least posts from dead tumblr account flintcoded. I keep looking around and finding MORE fitting quotes. Someone stop me- In loving me you hold a knife at my throat, in loving you I tell you exactly where to cut. Forgive me, memory is a rope around my neck. I need you to be happy, I need one of us to be happy.

Hand in unlovable hand…

In conclusion;

[cnroth]

Fanfic Q&A

I was tagged a long time ago by @curator-on-ao3 and meant to do this later when I had time, but then I forgot. More recently, I was tagged by @strkamand, which has prompted me to actually do it this time haha. So thank you both!! 🩵 😘

1. Why do you write fanfic?

Short answer: Cuz it’s fun!

Long answer: I started writing fanfic in 2016 because I had spent the last year and a half clawing my way back to some semblance of sanity after a really shitty time in my life. We got Netflix for the first time and I found my favorite childhood show—Star Trek: Voyager. It was like a warm blanket in the cold.

I still remember playing Star Trek on the playground with school friends, inventing stories of ourselves as original characters on Voyager, and suddenly I had the thought—what if I actually did it? Made an OC that was actually complex and fleshed out and stirred her into the mix? Added more representation of mental health issues to the show? I also applied for grad school around this time with the goal of eventually working in the mental health field.

So I dusted off my old creative writing skills and began making fanfic as a way to share my ideas with other fans, explore ships and characters I thought were interesting and/or underdeveloped, or just enjoy playing with my favorite dolls while processing my own experiences, as well.

And here I am now, eight years later, still doing just that.

2. Which of your posted stories do you think about the most, even though the story is “finished”?

This is a complicated question, because the answer is and has always been the very first story I joined the fandom to share, and one that took me years to tell—the Far From Their Bones series. Technically, it is finished.

That being said, I may-or-may-not currently be working on something closely related to that… 👀

3. If you could give yourself fic advice from when you first started writing fic, what would that advice be?

I honestly can’t think of anything I’d say. I think that my fanfic journey, bumpy as it may have been, was what I needed to go through to become the writer I am today.

4. What’s your relationship to fic stats?

I rarely check them. Honestly, I post so rarely and a fair amount of my stuff is niche stories few people are interested in reading, my stats are probably shit anyway.

5. Is there a pairing or scenario or friendship you miss writing? If so, why? If not, why not?

The closest thing to an answer for this question is I suppose J/C. I used to be fairly prolific in that ship, but the community for that ship was eventually taken over by a few toxic people who manipulated other participants (especially newer ones) into a very narrow idea of what was acceptable as a J/C fan and shit-talked people who fell outside of that, and I ended up deeply burned. It took out my ability to read or write J/C for a long time. I’ve dipped my toe back in here and there since then, and I won’t say I’m done with that ship forever, but it definitely was a major pain having to grieve the loss of a ship that had brought me so much joy.

6. What motivates you to write?

Usually random story ideas that pop into my head when I’m trying to fall asleep at night.

Also, comments can sometimes prompt me to write more.

7. Why do you write for the fandom(s) that you write for?

I think that’s mostly explained above already. Someday, I might finally write the Hunger Games fic I’ve had in my head for many years, as that series of books/movies was also instrumental in my trauma recovery, but for now Star Trek: Voyager (and occasionally other Trek shows) is where I’m comfortable and inspired.

8. If you’re stuck writing a WIP, what do you do?

There are two strategies I use most often to deal with this:

One, making playlists of songs that fit the story in some way, whether through the lyrics or even just the vibe. Then I listen to that on repeat to help drive me into my other strategy, which is…

Two, I use imagery to develop compelling scenes in my head, mentally watching them and shaping them until I feel like I can write them down—even if they’re incomplete. In the end, I may end up dumping the scene, or changing it, or writing the most inspiring scenes first and filling in the gaps between them later, but ultimately the goal is just to get myself moving again.

9. What do you wish people knew about comments?

Comments prompt my brain to make more dopamine and serotonin. As a mentally ill person with a neurodivergent brain, that is HUGE.

I do my best remind myself that I’m writing fic I want to read, and that can often mean not many other people will want it like I do (or have the time to actually read it), but in the end getting comments lets me know I’m not alone and that my exhaustive efforts in creating fic are appreciated.

It’s also just like fucking Christmas morning when I see that email from AO3. Like, massive mood booster.

I also would like people to know that comments have, more than once, given me ideas and/or energy to write more.

10. Maybe there’s a question you wish had been on here. What’s that question (and answer)?

Not that I can think of 😊

I have no idea who has already done this, and most people I know who write have been tagged by the ladies who tagged me. If you have already done this, tag me in a comment on your post or something so I can read it!

And if you haven’t done this yet, consider yourself tagged!!

Let’s see ummmm @gijane-7702 @seema-unbound @cheile @caladeniablue @theredheadedcaptain @70thousandlightyearsfromhome anyone else who wants to join 🩵

[askweisswolf]

Fanfic Writer Questions

Thank you for the tag @foibles-fables!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

19!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

Currently at 89,257.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Oh man, uh. I think it would be better to say what fandoms I don’t write for at this stage, it’s still crazy to me to think it’ll be twenty years this year that I started writing fanfic. Currently I’d say Baldur’s Gate 3 has me by the throat, with a little bit of the DCAU (specifically, Justice League/Unlimited) and the occasional dash of Fallen Hero and Dragon Age that I post to Discord servers. I’ve also got a few Mass Effect short pieces floating around. I really need to post to my AO3 more.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

I’m going to mess with this one a bit and go off of my top five finished fics by fandom and stick to the ones I wrote solo, that way it’s a bit of a mix. I apologize in advance since a lot of these are years old at this point, but it definitely goes back to what I said before about writing in multiple fandoms, ha.

Rest for the Weary (Frozen) Flare (SPOP) The Same Big Sky (Fire Emblem: Three Houses) Skin Deep (Dragon Age: Origins) At The Door (Baldur's Gate 3) 5. Do you respond to comments?

I try to! I’m not always the best at it but I genuinely appreciate everyone who takes the time to comment on one of my fics, it means the world to me and I always love hearing everyone’s feedback and thoughts, it makes me so excited for my own writing.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

If we’re going purely by just what’s on AO3… hm. For stuff that’s a bit older, easily The Silence Is Your Answer (Fire Emblem: Three Houses). For something I wrote more recently, Few Finer Torments (Baldur’s Gate 3) because I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about Shadowheart in Act 2 specifically.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

… Most of them. Oh my God I’m mainly a fluff writer, like I knew this about myself but to actually realize it so starkly is something else. Of my most recent stuff I’d probably say A Little Slice (Justice League Unlimited) has possibly the softest ending I’ve written in awhile.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Thankfully not.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Not often but I do sometimes! All of it so far has been for f/f ships, mostly with a lot more focus on like… the thinking and the feeling aspect of it and not so much the physical aspect, if that makes sense? I just like using sex as a way to explore the characters, when I’m in the mood to write it.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Oh, man, okay. I have written a few crossovers over the years, but my favorite is still one I co-wrote with a friend of mine for the Beast’s Lair fan forum back in the day that was just a complete off the walls one-shot crack crossover with Fate/Stay Night, Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha, and I think we had a dash of Highschool of the Dead right at the end. It was insane, we wrote it on a Skype call in a matter of hours.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not as far as I know, thankfully.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I have not! When I was more active on FIMFiction.net though I did have a few people who did live readings of my fics, those were always neat.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes! I’ve co-written with him a lot before, but Pen Pals (Frozen) was co-written with Moczo. Just a heads up that I think he has it set that you can only read it if you’re logged in, if you want to check it out.

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

… I don’t think I can only pick one, man. I really don’t. If I have to, my brain always comes back to Shayera/John or Raven/Terra.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I feel like I owe everyone who started reading my The 100 fic or my Black Widow fic an apology at this point.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue, emotional payoff, character study (I guess?). I have one friend who told me I write very good Catholic guilt.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Sex and fight scenes are the absolute bane of my existence, for as much as I enjoy the character potential of the former in particular. I’m also slow as hell, I’ve been working on this one Shayera/John fic now for like a year trying to finish it before I post it and ugh.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

If it fit the context of the fic I would, yes! I’d double check it with someone else who knows the language first, though.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Like, ever? Chip and Dale: Rescue Rangers to my old Fanfiction.net account when I was 13. I had a bunch of old stuff saved to floppy discs that I never posted, though.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

This changes on a nigh daily basis, but currently I’m having an absolute blast with my The Beast Whisperer series focusing on my Tav who romances Shadowheart, so I’ll leave the link for it here.

Going to gently tag @optiwashere, @kittlesandbugs, @antigonick, @miabicicletta if you guys want to participate, no pressure! And of course anyone who sees this is free to respond as well.

[possum-quesadilla]

New ‘Time is a Flat Circle’ chapter is up, which means more details under the cut! The universe set out to kill me before I finished this chapter but it was unsuccessful

Chapter six:

- This chapter’s title is a continuation of the lyrics from the first chapter, which is again from “The Heroine” by Unwoman. Beetlejuice actually has to start facing and feeling all of the emotions and hurt from the loops!

- “She didn’t even get a “I sure hope it does!” To her “Road work ahead?”.” Lydia is, of course, referencing one of my favorite vines here. She forced Beetlejuice to watch a compilation right away so he could understand more of her jokes.

- “It had a strange metal lining she was sure wasn’t there before.” … “Yeah. Iron impedes ghosts. Duh.” This is all based on info that was told to me about an odd door in my great grandmother’s house that was lined with iron. A family member told me it was to keep ghosts out, and that “iron stops ghosts, obviously”.

- “Sweaters from Aunt Kerry” A fun little nod to Barbara’s original actor, Kerry Butler!

- “… as she stepped on something soft, squishy, and uneven,” This was his tail! That’s probably why he yelled so loud.

- Another note: I forgot to point out something that will not really be directly addressed from chapter five! “Adam heard a rythmic thumping noise from the demon that he wasn’t quite sure of the origin of.” This is from BJ’s tail hitting the ground repeatedly, like a cat’s does when it’s angry. I’m sure he’s glad it was too dark for them to see it!

- “Lydia! My best friend, my pal!” And “Lydia, my homeboy, my rotten soldier,” Are a reference to a line from What We Do in the Shadows that I quote way too often.

- “The pair of them stood out like horseshoe crabs in a freshwater environment,” This is a line from my favorite youtube series, Bigtop Burger. Check it out if you like dead little freaks like Beetlejuice.

- “The plain white shirt that said “human babies are mysterious and I don’t trust them” and the bright red long-sleeve that read “God won’t let me die”” Based on real thrifted clothing I’ve seen posted online and really, really want

- “He was even absentmindedly chewing on one of the plastic tags.” Haha, I do that.

- “hammer space” Is honestly a bit more accurate than ‘pocket dimension’, since he uses it mostly for comedic effect.

- Beetlejuice wants to watch Edward Scissorhands because he likes to see movies that make “monsters” sympathetic. He wants to watch The Princess Bride because he wants to see a happy ending.

- “a black leather notebook. She had many like it, and like all the rest, this one was unused. (They’re just too perfect to start using, y’know?).” This is taken straight from what many of my more artistically inclined friends do. The journals are only collecting dust, bestie!! Use them!!

- “Ah. He wants me where he can see me. Probably all screwed up from his mom and stuff.” As my notes so eloquently put it, “WRONG GIRLIE HE HAS PTSD FROM THE STABBING”.

- “He was cut off as Barbara grabbed him by his tie and tugged it to force him to look her in the eye.” Barbara discovered one of his tells for lying! She will exploit it ;)

- “… her Dead Mom could never pick between ‘Annabel Lee’ and ‘The Masque of Red Death’.” These are two of my absolute favorites! They are just so romantically macabre, I sometimes read Annabel Lee out loud to my cat to calm him down. Emily did the same for Lydia!

- “fleece tie blankets she had made for a charity drive. When asked by Beetlejuice why she still had them, she sheepishly replied that she kept forgetting to drop them off until it was too late to do so.” Based on something my favorite elementary school teacher did.

- “but it was perfectly splendid.” This is a reference to The Haunting of Bly Manor. Mike Flanagan’s work greatly influences my writing, so I wanted to put in a little nod to his most amazingly heart-wrenching series. <3

- “She was a sucker for a happy ending.” This is a reference to the Heathers musical, where a character expresses a similar sentiment towards the movie. Shout out to that soundtrack for getting me into musicals in the first place!

- “… he leaned down and bumped his head against Lydia’s shoulder. The impact was hard enough to make her stumble..” I do this quite frequently. I do not mean to knock people off balance, but I usually do! It is the easiest way for me to express affection without having to touch someone with my hands. It is less overwhelming for Beej in that way too!

- “I promise, I’ll do better for you, I’ll be better!” Haha what a fun callback that doesn’t have any implications about Beetlejuice’s mental state

- “I’ve always wanted to make a blood pact!” Me too. But don’t try this at home.

- “I, Lawrence Betelgeuse Shoggoth,” He is only able to say his own name when it’s a part of a pact or contract! That sucks.

[astramachina]

6 albums I’ve been listening to a lot lately! Plus one track from each that I’m especially fond of.

tagged by the wonderful @valenshawke!!

i haven't been doing much "full album" listening lately since going into a project usually means listening to a lot of tailored playlists, but i have been revisiting some... oldies.

Wish Upon A Blackstar - Celldweller; "Unshakeable" This was my first ever Celldweller album and it was introduced to me by a now defunct tumblr mutual about a decade ago. Apparently they thought "Blackstar" suited a character on my ongoing fic at the time, and I instantly fell in love with Klayton's music. "Unshakeable" is definitely on the playlist for one of my current MCs.

The Black Halo - Kamelot; "When the Lights Are Down" Kamelot is one of those bands Lil Goth me (freshman) got introduced to by an Elder Goth (senior) back in 2005, though "Ghost Opera" was technically the first ever song of theirs I ever listened to.

The Open Door - Evanescence; "Your Star" I wasn't joking about oldies. Again, surprising amount of MC vibes coming off this album which makes me fear for the poor guy's life.

POST HUMAN: SURVIVAL HORROR - Bring Me the Horizon; "1x1" So, the funny thing about "1x1" is that, at their core, every single one of my protagonists can be summed up by this one song and I don't know what that says about me as a writer. I mean, 'annihilation never looked so good' as a lyric never fails to make me want to headbang.

DEATH STRANDING: Timefall - Multiple artists; "Ghost" by Au/Ra My endgame as a creator is to become the next Hideo Kojima like I want to make my own company and make utterly self-indulgent and fucking insane shit how I want to make it and then have all my cool artist friends either star in it or record songs for soundtracks. That being said, I'm yet to come across a video game soundtrack that's just banger after banger after banger.

Love is Dead - CHVRCHES; "Graffiti" I came across this album during the beginning of the pandemic and I listened to it so many times that multiple people reached out to ask if my discord was glitched because the status kept showing the same songs over and over. I'm not sure why it latched onto me the way it did, but February 2020 was sure a time.

Honorable mentions!

7. Woman King - Iron & Wine; "Freedom Hangs Like Heaven"

8. Lifa - Heilung; "In Maidjan"

9. Pictures of Mountains - Cody Fry; "London" & "Photograph"

tagging @lucillesharpeapologist, @vanessaaftonsgirl, @opaleyedprince, @fortunatetragedy, @wrencatte SHOW ME YOUR MUSIC TASTES (but only if you want to, ofc!)

[runnning-outof-time]

K’s 3K Follower Celebration

~ Tales From the Flower Garden ~

Thank you SO MUCH for helping this blog reach 3,000 followers!!! I know I say it in every post like this that I make, but the fact that this many people have decided to follow me blows my mind.

This was a long time coming (thanks to the…certain type of blogs that kept invading my follower list) so I figured that we’d celebrate!!

And then I thought what a better theme to choose than ‘tales from the flower garden’ … because I’m sure we all know the saying ‘April showers bring May flowers’…even though it’s still raining where I’m from.

SO…if you’re a writer (or a creator in general) and you’re interesting in joining in on this celebration, there are more details below the cut for you!!

If you’re not a writer, I still suggest you stick around because I’ve got a feeling there’s going to be many, beautiful and floral themed fics blooming shortly! — You can read the stories HERE.

So you’re a writer!!! …or maybe you’re just interested in what’s going on...

Either way, thanks so much for showing interest!! I hope you’ll find this writing event to be one that you can join in on. Remember, you don’t need to be a mutual or following me to join, this is open to EVERYONE!!

Here are some guidelines, if you’d like to take part:

You can write either an ‘x reader’ story or for an OC that you have…or even a ship from the show.

You can also write a platonic!reader or a sister!reader if those types of scenarios are more your speed/interest of writing.

You can include nsfw themes in your story - just please mark them properly (and be over 18 yourself) … same goes for dark fics - you can include those themes but please use warnings!

This is only for Peaky characters - you can choose any character from the show you’d like.

Please use a keep reading/read more line if your story is MORE THAN 1K words!! — I can help you add it if you’re unsure of how to.

There is no time limit/deadline for you to post your creations!

Make sure you TAG ME in your story so I can find it!

Here’s how you can join in:

Send a message/ask to me with the details below:

Choose a prompt from the list at the bottom of this post — only one person per prompt (I will allow prompts to be used twice if it happens to be open when you send a message - i.e I don’t check my messages fast enough and two people ask for the same prompt)

Choose which character you’re going to write it with — you don’t need to include it if you’re unsure of who you want to write it with…just tell me you’re unsure.

REMEMBER: ALL stories need to include a flower garden in some aspect — it can be the main setting or just one of the settings!

If you’re still interested in joining in after reading all of the guidelines…here are the prompts you can choose from (I just had to put a few lyric-based prompts in there - I’ve included the song, but you don’t need to base your story off of it):

*prompts can only be used once*

Angst

“You deserve better.”

“I don’t know how we can get past this.”

“Just don’t talk to me like that, ok?”

“Are you hearing what you’re saying right now?”

“You really don’t understand why I’m doing this, do you?” w/ Tommy

“Do you feel better about yourself now?”

“You can be so inconsiderate sometimes.”

“People ruin people, I don’t want to ruin you.” (from From Austin by Zach Bryan) w/Tommy

“You thought I was a savable man.” (from Taker by Brother Elsey) w/ Arthur

“You’ve now created the things that’ll haunt you the most.” (from Graceland by Allan Rayman) w/ Tommy

“Do you miss me?” (from Too Bad by Rival Sons) w/ Tommy

“I can’t help you if this is not enough.” (from Pink Motel by The Glorious Sons)

Fluff

“I can’t imagine going another day without you.”

“You can’t leave without giving me a kiss.” w/ Tommy

“You’re bushing, aren’t you?”

“You’ve just made me the happiest person alive.”

“Did I just make you smile?” w/ Tommy

“There was no reason behind that…I just wanted to kiss you.” w/Tommy

“You’re the only one who makes me feel like this, darling.” w/ Tommy

“Isn’t it beautiful out here?” w/ Tommy

Concern

“Let me see…please.”

“What’s happened to you?” w/ Polly

“Promise you’ll come back to me.”

“I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

“Please, just tell me what you’re going through…I can help you.”

“Come inside.” w/Tommy

“It’s freezing out here!”

“Please don’t touch that flower!” or “You can’t be out here touching these flowers!” w/ Alfie

Misc. (Pick a Path) - choose fluff, angst, etc.

“We can’t keep meeting each other like this.” w/ Tommy

“We’ll get through this together.”

“Would you stop looking at me like that?” w/ Tommy

“If only you knew the reason behind all of this.”

“I can’t believe you just said that.” w/ Alfie

“I…I didn’t think I’d see you here.” or “I just didn’t think I’d see you here.”

“I don’t even know what we are anymore.”

“Is there any reason why you’ve been out here all night?” w/ Tommy

“How did I know you’d be out here?”

“I’ve been waiting here all night for you.”

“Kiss me, please.”

“It’s going to be ok. I promise.”

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” w/ Tommy

“I don’t know if I can say goodbye.” w/ Tommy

“Are you sure we can do that/this out here?” w/Alfie

“I really don’t think we should be out here right now.”

“It’s always do as I say, never do as I asked you.”

“You don’t understand the kind of love you’re getting yourself in.” (from Taker by Brother Elsey) w/Arthur

“We said we’d never let each other go.” (from End of Forever by Rival Sons)

“I don’t mind what you have to do…I won’t think less of you.” (from I Want More by KALEO) w/ Arthur

“Forgive me for everything I did.” (from So Much Love To Give by The Glorious Sons) w/ Tommy

“No matter what I say or do I cannot prove that this isn’t the first time.” (from Chief by Allan Rayman)

Once again, send me an ask/message with the prompt you’d like to use as well as the character(s) you’re going to write it with (if you know who).

YOU DON’T NEED TO BE FOLLOWING ME TO JOIN! — EVERYONE’S WELCOME!!

I look forward to seeing your lovely creations!!

Tagging some people who may be interested/have been SUPER kind and supportive to me: @there-goes-thefighter @zablife @cillmequick @notyour-valentine @raincoffeeandfandoms @toms-cherry-trees @acewritesfics @look-at-the-soul @gypsy-girl-08 @l1-l4 @padfootdaredmetoo @evita-shelby @peakyscillian @thomasshelbydrabbles @noforkingclue @theshelbyclan @mgcldydrms @areyenotfondofmelobster @holacia3 @rangerelik @midnightswithdearkatytspb @little-diable @daisyblinder @theshelbyslimited @peakyltd @peacexatxlast @fallatyourfeet @dearshelby @shelbydelrey @peakyswritings @midnightmagpiemama @dandelionprints @moral-terpitude @cillixn @shelbyssins @creativepawsworld @peakypolly @pherelesytsia @anotherblinder @scorpiussage @call-sign-shark @anonymooseforever007 @sneakyblinders @mythos-writes @shelby-fangirl00 @huntingingoodwill @teenwolf-theoriginals @forgottenpeakywriter (I’m sorry if I’ve forgotten anyone — please know that you are SO special to me!! ❤️)

[edensflaw]

What Sleep Token Has Done for My Heartbreak

I am a relatively new listener of Sleep Token, only have listened to them since August of 2023. But man, when I tell you I have fallen deep and hard for this band, I mean it. I have joined subreddits and discords, I follow tags on tumblr, and so so many instagram accounts. They're music feels so deeply personal to me. The lyrics feel like they fell out of my heart with the emotion that emits from them.

August of 2023 is also when I experienced a very traumatic separation from my now ex-spouse. They confessed to multiple acts of infidelity after trying to work through an emotional/romantic affair they were having at the time. To say I felt betrayed is an understatement. We had been together for 16 years. All of my young adulthood I was with this one person. Unsurprisingly, I fell into a heavy depression.

At first, I discovered Bad Omens. My anger was raw and all encompassing, and Bad Omens seemed to capture that so perfectly. I listened to them non-stop for a long time.

And then I came across Sleep Token thanks to Tiktok. I had listened to them earlier that same year - just once, a few songs - and I remember just feeling sort of indifferent towards them. I honestly think my heart wasn't ready to hear or feel what they were saying. I knew the pain they sang of, but I was still in deep denial about my own relationship and the pain my partner was causing me.

When I listened to them again post-separation - it started with Granite. And the lyric that hooked me - line and sinker: "If you had a problem / Then you should've told me / Before you started getting all aggressive and controlling". At so many points in my relationship I was not being told things and that led to a lot of aggression. Naturally, i tried to control things because that’s a normal human thing to do when you sense that something is changing in a way you never wanted. Like when a stack of dishes starts to fall and you, rather uselessly, put your hands out to try to catch them, stop them from breaking. Ultimately your action is useless, the dishes still break despite your efforts. And it wasn’t even a conscious effort, just a reaction. And from that point on I feel deeper and deeper into my love of Sleep Token.

The next song I remember hitting me hard is Aqua Regia. “Oh, when I am done dancing to alarm bells/No wonder my ears are still ringing/And I am done fighting off change/No wonder my arms are still swinging”. Early into our separation, when my emotions were still very much raw I would find myself still fighting with my ex in my head - talking to myself and continuing fights we would have repeatedly. Alarm bells were still very much ringing in my head and even though the fighting had stopped between the two of us, I, myself, would find myself still arguing thin air. 

In a moment in my life where I felt very much isolated and alone and removed from everything that had ever felt familiar, it felt so reassuring to know somebody, somewhere, felt what I was feeling. I felt seen. I felt heard. Especially coming from such a toxic relationship where I was not feeling heard or seen by my partner. 

There are a lot of Sleep Token songs that seem an obvious choice when it comes to heartbreak. Missing Limbs is one of those songs. 'Cause it still makes my blood run cold/To remember what I did before’ The person I became in such a toxic environment is not someone to be proud of. I’ve talked in therapy a lot about how I struggle with being the person I thought I was when I know I’m capable of such horrible things. The environment really does make the person. ‘The stories that you never told to me’ A lot of our fights were about their lying and their secrets. How I would beg them to just talk to me and how much they would absolutely just shut down and shut me out. ‘And it still makes my blood run thin/To remember what you are to him/And I live like I've got missing limbs/For you’ And to remember what their affair partner means to them - it makes my heart drop into my stomach and my stomach drop into my gut; it makes my blood boil and brain go from zero to sixty. And yet, even with all the knowledge I have now of just how much my ex betrayed me - it very much feels like I’m missing a part of my physical body without them in my life. I have achieved a level of peace I haven’t felt in a while and I am proud of myself for getting to this point, but even with all of that something feels like it’s missing. Like a lizard discarding its tail. 

I could probably go through every Sleep Token song and break down how each word relates back to me and what I was feeling. Blood Sport, Dark Signs, DYWTYLM, the Love You Want, etc. There’s very much a theme of eating, consuming, biting flesh, etc. in Sleep Token’s lyrics. I would’ve crawled inside my partner if it meant that we wouldn’t be separated. I would have consumed them. I let my love for them consume me, mind and body. I let them consume me. I trusted them so much I bared my stomach, the most delicate parts of me, and they tore into them like a wolf that hadn’t eaten in weeks, all the while telling me they weren’t. 

The emotions Vessel presents when singing, it feels like such a dichotomy within himself. There is such a longing, a yearning, for what was, what is comfortable, the love he knows he could get if he made the right (or wrong) sacrifices. The yearning is a literal pain and that pain is often mistaken for love, but for the wrong reasons. 

Then there’s those moments where the fog clears he realizes just how much Sleep has wronged him, used him and that makes him so angry, and rightfully so. There’s such a quiet rage that’s just bubbling beneath the surface. And when that rage comes out there’s almost a sort of regret that comes along with that. A regret for the relationship itself yes, but also regret for the way he acted while with Sleep, and regret for the anger he feels. Vessel's relationship with Sleep feels very familiar to me and my ex. 

There was a post recently by melit0n about the song Jaws. In the tags of my reblog of that post I put "And if my love doesn't love me anymore I know Vessel is capable of love and maybe that means someone can love me like that too".

But it's more than that. I loved it like Vessel does/did. I gave so much of myself to someone that didn't deserve it and was ultimately so toxic and bad for me, much like Vessel's and Sleep's relationship. Sleep is narcissistic and toxic and is only using Vessel as a means for their own selfish ends. And I very much feel like that's how my relationship ended even if that's not how it started.

Vessel's lyrics feel so deeply personal to me because I've lived them. I've lived that feeling of being so consumed by love for another being that I was willing to let it destroy me, body and soul. Vessel knows the pain and struggle I feel: that feeling of longing and yearning for something you know is no good for you and at the same time the anger expressed because how dare they use me?! 

This was a very long winded explanation and I’m sure half of it doesn’t even make sense. I’ve been thinking for a long time about putting down into words what this band and their music has done for me during these months of navigating this heartbreak and putting my life back together. They’ve been such an important part of it and even if I never get the opportunity to express what they mean to me to them directly, if you’ve read this far into this already long post at least someone else maybe gets it. 

Thanks for reading, friend. Because yes, if you’ve read this far and this deep into my life, we are friends now.