#i’m literally crying gosh i hate how my period makes me so emotional

[lam-ila]

do you ever just find yourself crying at 12:22 am about how carey price never won a stanley cup

[pluviophile-bookworm]

High School Musical: The Musical: The Series: The Rewatch pt. 1

High School Musical: The Musical: The Series: The Rewatch pt. 1

I realised earlier today that I have nearly no memory of season 1, so I thought it necessary to fix that. And since I'm obviously not going to get any work done today, here we are!

Now, I did post my thoughts on episodes 1 and 2 way back when they were new, but I will still be commenting briefly on them from my present perspective - it might even be interesting to compare my thoughts then with my thoughts now.

Ok, now, without further ado, it's time to dive into season 1 of HSMTMTS! (Gosh, I'm excited like it's my first time watching!)

1x1: I think I kinda... remember why I had the opinions I had way back when

Wait... were those Ricky and Big Red bumping into Miss Jenn on their way in? I never noticed that the first time... then again, I didn't know them the first time. This is exactly what rewatching is for.

And here we go again... well, I guess, here we go for the first time — Ricky is totally ignoring the amazing friend he has because he's obsessing over Nini. Will he ever learn? Anyway, from a writer's point of view (not that I am really a writer), this is a really good Establishing Character Moment for Ricky.

And here goes the Rini awkwardness... why did I ship them again? I genuinely don't remember.

'Did I talk about Nini the entire time? Absolutely!' — I mean, it's like you don't have a personality beyond her, Rick. Get a grip!

This rewatch is making me realise the superiority of the season 2 soundtrack... putting things into perspective, I guess.

Listen, I was all for Kourtney 'dismantling the patriarchy', but, first of all, she didn't really do much dismantling in retrospect, and second of all, she has no right to talk to my boy Reddy like that! No one has.

I still don't get Carlos' thing about the HSM sequels. I mean, I heard it was supposed to be a joke about how they don't really take place at East High, but... in-universe, what are his reasons? I mean, I think, nay, I know he would have loved I Don't Dance.

Also re: Carlos, I can totally relate to the fact that he basically attached himself to Miss Jenn's side because he had no friends and she gets him... I was like that in most of my school days, including an embarrassingly long period in my last year at school. It's sad in retrospect, but back then I was having the best time.

'Is there somewhere you're supposed to be?' — 'Broadway.' — this was the moment I knew I would be a Carlos stan. Even if I'm feeling kind of conflicted about it now, in light of his recent actions...

I mean, you'd forgive me if during Nini, EJ and Kourtney's conversation I was paying attention only to Seb and Natalie in the back, right? Because that's what I was doing.

I can't with Ricky! Like, Big Red is literally discussing Ricky's problem, not even bothering to try talking about himself this time, and Ricky is still snapping at him. Like, we get it, you've got issues... but it's not Reddy's fault! It's just weird... there's something that draws me to Ricky (guess it's the relatable fact that he's got issues and he talks about himself all the time — though please tell me I'm not quite like this), and yet if I were rooting for him right now, I'd have to be doing Big Red very dirty. He's done nothing to deserve being ignored like this.

'The one person I go to for advice'... oh please, Ricky! If there were just one person you go to, then who is sitting beside you and listening to you moan and sigh right now? Gosh, I feel bad admitting it, but I hadn't really given Big Red much thought until 1x3 — and now I can't stop thinking about him. Guess the writing wants us to forget there are characters other than Nini and Ricky and maybe EJ at this point.

'But we hate musicals' — forgive me, Reddy, but I've got to laugh here. You? Hate musicals? Try again, dearie. I mean, look at me — back when I was watching this for the first time, I wouldn't have given Big Red a second thought (because the script didn't really seem to want me to) — and now he's literally one half of my patronus visualisation, quite literally helping me survive and stay sane (or as sane as I can be). This is what rewatches are for.

The way Big Red words the plot of HSM... it makes me feel like he's hinting at Ricky and himself and Nini. Gosh, the poor boy is just trying to make himself heard without being pushy about it... maybe he should be a little pushy.

I just realised that neither Ashlyn nor Gina has been given the slightest amount of focus yet... they do not deserve to be ignored. Shine a bloomin' spotlight on them, please and thank you!

We've got to appreciate Gina's character development, though. S1 Gina would have chewed Lily up alive. I kind of wish we could have seen something like that, but... I love Gina 2.0.

Ahhhh it's Ashlyn time! You know, I didn't want to slip into personal stories too much in this post, but... the way Miss Jenn seemed to stare into her soul just reminded me of my favourite uni exam I've ever sat. So, personal story time, I guess: It was my first semester and the exam was one of only two oral ones we had (fortunately; I hate, hate, hate oral exams); it was in British Modernist literature and each of us would be given a work to talk about. I was really nervous because I hadn't had time to read up on everything we'd covered, so you can imagine my relief when, as soon as I walked into the exam room and my favourite prof ever just kind of... looked me in the eyes and, much like a Sorting Hat, as if reading my thoughts, said 'Lord of the Flies'. Now, you don't know this about me, but that is literally my favourite book we did that semester. I was in my element. I absolutely aced that exam. In the other oral, Literary theory, I didn't do nearly as well. So yeah, end of personal story. The point is, I don't know what Miss Jenn did just then, but she totally nailed Ash's casting!

Also, I just noticed that, when asked about playing the piano, she was like 'I dabble.' I remember her saying that about something in early s2, though for the love of all gods I can't remember the context of that. And, well, does she ever dabble — in everything!

Ok, but Nini would have made a very fine Kelsey, all things considered. Just saying.

I said it back then, and I'll say it now — I love EJ, but he's way too polished and technical to be Troy. Ricky, on the other hand, didn't even need to act — he was being Troy at that moment. Too bad the same method did not work for the Beast... and yet he still got the part somehow. Oh well, he's still got time to get a grip on himself and deliver. I hope and pray he does.

'Troy would have arrived on time' — ermmm, Carlito? Did you and I watch the same HSM, cos I don't think we did. Troy literally rushes in after Mrs Darbus says auditions are closed. And then he gets the lead. So I'd say that was pretty in-character on Ricky's part. Idk, maybe you need to watch the movie again? 38th time's the charm, or something...

Miss Jenn needs to stop spilling her coffee all over the place.

Ricky's audition speech is so emotional, it makes me laugh instead of cry. Go figure.

And I just remembered why I loved Ricky. It was because of this scene. Like, you can really peek into his soul. If I were Nini, I would have got back together with him right then and there. Hey, I just realised why I was a Rini shipper. It all boils down to Ricky's audition, I guess.

'She thinks I'm a Chad?' — Iconic. Absolutely iconic. But why did I just have a vision of Seb going like, 'She thinks I'm a Chip?'... yeah, I will not shut up about this.

[volleyball-dontknowher]

Karasuno boys + crying girlfriend

A/n: Y’all I cry a lot, like I am a big baby and I cry happy tears and sad tears frequently like watching late night videos on facebook of stray puppies and active duty military families reunited get me every single time and I am so not sorry for any of this 

Also requests are open and I am done talking so please enjoy 

Daichi: Something about the way he was standing there smiling at you made your knees weak and you couldn’t help yourself but start crying 

Babe?! what’s wrong, what happened? 

Nooo nothings wrong, you’re just so sweet 

He cannot stop smiling and laughing at you because he did not expect for you to be this happy over such a small thing. After the sweetest hug (the type that squeezes almost too tight with love) and a couple of kisses to help you feel better. He should have hated seeing his girlfriend cry for any reason but he couldn’t help but smile knowing that he really does make you happy and that you really love him. The two of you decided to have a date tonight before he leaves for a weekend of volleyball with his team, so he showed up to your house with a little bag of groceries so the two of you can make cookies together. The two of you couldn’t possibly eat all of the cookies that you baked so you decorated them and bagged them up for team as a pick me up over the long weekend. You ended up making chocolate chip cookies and sugar cookies and decorating all of the little cookies with each of the boy’s jersey numbers and also making little volleyball cookies as well. Little did Daichi know, you put an extra heart shaped cookie in his bag that had the two of your initials on it with an extra little heart in the middle, when he saw this he almost cried himself. 

Suga: The two of you were sitting in the library studying when suddenly Suga hears Oh ouch crap  and he is immediately struck into action.  You and Sugawara had been dating for a while and you have never ever ever seen this boy react to anything faster than he reacts to you. The slightest sniffle or the word owe and he is by your side in an instant and has already asked what was the matter, he doesn’t care how serious it really is, if it upsets you it upsets him, or at least that’s what he always tells you. From looking at the scene before him he already knew that you had gotten a papercut, and a bloody one at that, all you could do was keep a hand under your finger so the blood wouldn’t spill onto your book. Not to mention it hurt a lot, and you couldn’t help but tear up. Luckily for you Suga was cool calm and collected, he pulled out a little first aid kit he keeps in his bag. He wiped the blood off of your finger and held a cotton ball to your finger to try and stop the bleeding, and had another cottonball wiping the blood that had dripped onto your other hand off and then used a purell wipe to clean off your hand. After the bleeding stopped he put a bandaid on and gave you a kiss on the cheek before throwing everything away, washing his hands and returning back to his study spot with a wink. Koushi Has done it again. 

Asahi: Sitting in the theater all you can do is sob, how could they possibly kill one of the main characters and leave the other one without their one true love. Your eyes are so clouded that you can’t see the screen anymore and all you can do is try and muffle your near wailing sobs. You felt like a toddler crying in a grocery store and all you could do is squeeze your boyfriends super hard. Luckily for you, you are dating the second loudest crier in the entire theater and he’s squeezing yours right back because the two of you cannot handle the turn of events. If you were alone you would have been horribly embarrassed because the 13 year old girls don’t even compete with the sadness that has overtaken the two of you. At the end of the movie you two are seen wiping your tears and trying to compose yourselves. It was obvious that people were definitely judging the giant scary man for crying because you had several people roll their eyes at him or just so happen to mention that men who cry so easily aren’t attractive which does nothing but hurt both of your feelings more. You pull him into a big hug to keep him from crying more and the two of you leave the theater and go out for ice cream. 

Nishinoya: It was a beautiful day outside and all you wanted to do was go for a walk in the park, which Yuu happily agreed to do with you. The two of you had been walking on a trail for about fifteen minutes before you fell. You didn’t trip, more of the opposite actually-you were pushed. Not by Noya but instead you were taken down by two giant curly dogs who were kissing your face and wagging their tails happily at you. Noya is instantly petting the dogs, trying to get some of the same attention they were giving you. The owner runs over in complete shock, terrified that her dogs had just taken you completely down and all they can see are 

Oh my gosh I am so so sorry for my dogs, they were playing ball together just fine one moment and the next they are on top of you. I am so sorry. Are you hurt? Is everything okay? 

You take a second and get yourself together before standing up and grabbing the dogs leash for the poor owner and telling her that the two of you loved dogs and that this was one of the best things that has happened to you all week. You were still sniffling because it isn’t everyday that you get two hundred pounds of happiness to take you down. After the dogs had been grabbed by their owner you and Nishinoya were both standing there for another minute trying to just take in what just happened. Lowkey Noya was super jealous that you were the one who got all of the affection from the dogs but he also made fun of you forever about crying over a dog. 

Tanaka: Watching him was amazing. Tanaka had been working so hard and it finally paid off, after the years of watching him play volleyball he finally got the big win and you wanted to be the first one to congratulate your boyfriend. Once he and the team had finished their thank you’s and gotten out of the arena, you were the first person Tanaka was looking for. He pushed past everyone and tackled you into a giant hug yelling as loud as he could WE DID IT! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!! BABE WE DID IT!!  He is literally so excited that you cannot help but feel so excited for him. He’s been telling you about how this has been his dream for years and how this is the most exciting thing that could ever happen to him and bam it happened. You hug him back and tell him how proud you are of him and give him a couple of kisses before sending him to go celebrate with his team. You got takeout and were watching shows back at your house when you heard a little knock on the door. When you get to the door answer you see Tanaka standing there beaming all you can do is smile and pull him inside. He had the best time out with his teammates and is now telling you all about it. His passion and love for both volleyball and his teammates makes you so happy that you can’t help but start tearing up. He cares so much and has the biggest heart ever and you are so lucky to call him yours. He keeps talking for a couple minutes before he notices that you’re crying Babe!?! What’s wrong!?! Was it all of my talk about volleyball? I’m sorry please stop crying. He panics like usual and you stop him in his tracks with a short but sweet kiss and all of his worries fade because his girl just kissed him and he’d be an idiot not to kiss you back. You smile at him before he leans in and gives you a loving kiss, the two of you makeout for a while before he gives you one of his giant smiles and mutters I love you so much babe 

Yamaguchi: You and Yamaguchi were out window shopping and just walking the aisles of the little shop when a little girl bumps into you. You lean down and ask who she is when you notice that she’s crying and you and Yamaguchi freak out a little bit because you can’t see her mom...ooohh…. She lost her mom. You scoop the little girl into your arms and grab Yamaguchi’s hand and start down every aisle to find her mom. The two of you go through almost every aisle together with no luck. You started to panic and gave each other the silent look of Oh crap what happens if we can’t find her mom? And lucky for you just as you were losing hope you found her mom with another little girl who just so happened to look exactly like the girl in your arms crying on the floor of the store. Her mom immediately ran over to you and thanked you two repeatedly for helping get her back to you, and she didn’t know that she had escaped in the madness of her sister crying. The mom told you that they were twins and they were each other’s best friends and they hated seeing each other cry. As you and Yamaguchi left the store you were so happy that you let a few tears split because the two little girls were just so sweet. 

Kageyama: You were on your period and it was one of those hormonal awful crying messy days that you hated. You told Kags to stay away from you today because you were just going to be emotional and didn’t want him to suffer along with you. Little did you know that he took this as an invitation to come over with one of his giant hoodies and snacks (his milky drinks and cookies) ready to cuddle on the couch. He showed up and pulled you on the couch together and you both watched an episode of Shark Tank and yelled at the entrepreneurs because they had awful ideas. You ended up dozing off at some point and when you wake up Kageyama is gone. You sat up and looked for any signs that he was still there, nothing, no snacks, no cups not even his hoodie. He really left you without saying goodbye. You get all emotional and start to cry because he knows that you hate when people leave unexpectedly and that it makes you nervous. Seconds later Kageyama walks back into the living room with a glass of milk and is shocked to see you crying. You pull yourself together because that’s what any hormonal bitch learns to do and smiles at him really big while patting the spot on the couch right next to you.

Hinata: It wasn’t everyday that you and Hinata tried learning Tik Tok dances but when you do it’s always an adventure. You were trying to learn one of the really cute couples dances that you had seen and for the most part it was going great. You swerved left and he swerved right then you both would spin around each other and continue dancing. The two of you almost got this down perfectly until Hinata forgot the next part and accidentally smacked you straight in the face. You have never seen him apologize faster, he immediately wraps you in a big hug and tells you how sorry he is and that he really does love you. You sniffle a little bit but his overwhelming affection made it not hurt as bad. He was so relieved that you were okay because if you weren’t we couldn’t have forgave himself. 

Tsukishima: Studying with Tsuki is super common, you’re a good student and so is he but after two hours of studying you felt like you knew nothing. Not the “I know nothing” that you can pass with a 70 but you literally have spent hours and could get a 20% at best. You were overwhelmed and couldn’t figure it out, Tsuki is a sweetheart and was going through each question one by one with you but no matter what you couldn’t figure it out and kept getting question after question wrong. It was probably the tenth in a row and you were frustrated with yourself and you can tell that he was starting to get frustrated with you. You can’t help but start tearing up because you’re wasting his time and you cannot learn this stupid material. Tsuki is looking at you with his usual stoic face as you start to cry. He gets up and sits behind you and pulls your back to his chest and he presses little kisses to your shoulder and neck. He is super calm and just runs his fingers through your hair and tells you that you know what you're doing and that you’re just stressed out and that he’ll work with you until you have it completely down. The two of you just sit there for a couple of minutes before he gets up and starts quizzing you again. Every time you answer a question right he gives you a little kiss and every time you get it wrong he explains it and then gives you a little kiss anyway. 

Ukai: Stop, no stop following me Y/N I don’t love you anymore please leave me alone please stop talking to me I don’t want you anymor- You were suddenly shaken awake 

Babe, hey Y/N what’s wrong? Are you okay? He wraps his arms around you and pulls you to his chest panicked that something is wrong or that he doesn’t know he just is worried that you were crying in your sleep. 

It was a bad dream, a really bad dream You choke out before starting to sniffle again 

Ukai puts his hands on both sides of your face and pulls you closer to him Hey, no it’s okay I’m here for you and I love you so much, do you want to talk about it? 

I went to go visit you in the shop and you told me that you didn’t love me and that I needed to leave me alone because you didn’t care about me anymore and I just couldn’t handle it   You roll over and rest your head on his chest as he reassures you and tells you that he loves you so much and that you are his forever and if you ever have a dream like that again you should punch fake him a couple of times so that he comes to his senses and you two stay like that just mindlessly chatting and adoring each other until you fall asleep on his chest 

[fungus-amongus00]

What about an au that Stans about how “weird” “Old man mucket” is and Ford askes about him, then Stan is confused but tells him where he lives and ford talks to his bud for the first time in a long time.

I am so sorry if this is confusing :(

No confusion here! I gotcha ^^ Hope you like it! FEELINGS TIME

Stanford remembered hearing it that morning and nearly dropping his coffee in the process. It had been the mention of a name he had forgotten about momentarily. After all, in all his travels across the multiverse, small things like that were bound to slip his mind. However, the fact that it brought about such a sudden reaction had shown that the memory was not entirely gone. It was still very much a part of him, and hearing that name, brought about a multitude of emotions. The strongest one wracking his brain was of….regret. 

“Hey, kids. Did you see the latest video on Bramble? Man, I swear, that Old Man McGucket keeps getting crazier and crazier. I dunno what he’s gonna do next,” Stanley laughed and then even harder when Mabel showed him another video. 

“I mean, yeah, it’s funny, but I feel kind of bad for the guy. He lives by himself near the dump, and no one’s tried to, you know, help him at all?” Dipper added, sipping on his strawberry milk. 

“Ah, lighten up, kid. As far as I know, that’s just..how he lives. He doesn’t seem like he’s unhappy or anything.” Stanley did stop laughing momentarily. Of course Dipper always had to be the realist just like someone else he knew. He finally noticed Ford standing in the doorway, looking like he was about to pass out. “Sixer? You all good over there?” 

“Oh, no, Grunkle Ford! You dropped your mug.” Mabel hurried over to scoop it up. Luckily, it wasn’t one of the ceramic ones and didn’t break upon impact. It took Stanford a couple of seconds before he registered she was grabbing paper towels to clean up the mess. 

“Terribly sorry, Mabel. I zoned out for a moment there,” he apologized, helping her sop it up before it spread to the rug. “I just...you guys were talking about Fiddleford Hadron McGucket...right?” 

Stanley raised an eyebrow. How the hell did those two know each other?

“Wait, how do you know his full name?” 

“Did you not read his journals, Grunkle Stan? McGucket was his assistant in his research. He was...a genius, really,” Dipper said with a concerned look towards Ford. “I would’ve done something, but..I’m not exactly sure how to help him. He lost a lot of his memory.” 

“You said he lives over by the dump, right?” As soon as Dipper said “yes” in response, Ford was out of there in about five seconds flat, dashing off towards the dump. 

“Ooh! Should we follow him, Dipper? Maybe Grunkle Ford can get the old Fiddleford back!” Mabel gasped. By the look in her eyes, Dipper could tell she had already made up her mind. 

As soon as she ran off, Dipper sighed and grabbed his backpack. He’d really hear it from both Mabel and Grunkle Stan if he didn’t go with. “Uh, be back in a bit, Grunkle Stan!” 

Stanford didn’t stop running until he got to McGucket’s shack. In hindsight, he could’ve had Stan drive him, but this was urgent. He gasped when he saw where he was living. Oh, Fiddleford… He felt that guilt hanging heavy on his chest again. How long had he gone on not even knowing he was here? Of course, he had only recently returned to this dimension, but still! How could he forget about the person most dear to him. The person who….he betrayed..for an interdimensional demon with empty promises. For a moment, he stopped himself as he started walking up to the shack. If his memories returned...would he hate him still? He wouldn’t blame Fiddleford if he never wanted to see him again.

Mustering some courage, Stanford took a deep breath and continued onwards to what sort of resembled a door. A six fingered fist lingered at it a moment before tentatively knocking. He heard rustling from within before a raccoon bolted out of there, making him jump and nearly fall over. Was a raccoon his only company now?? His heart nearly stopped when Fiddleford stood in the doorway, his beard all the way down to his feet and what looked like...a bandage on his beard? Stanford wasn’t about to question it. Fiddleford stared blankly at him before saying, “Well, howdy, there! Can I help you with somethin’?” 

The words caught in Stanford’s throat for a moment. There was so, so much he wanted to say, mostly “I’m sorry, so sorry,” but he held it back. He didn’t know how much of his memory was missing, but given his living conditions, and the fact that he wasn’t completely pissed at him right now, he’d say a lot. He held up a six fingered hand in a wave, putting on his best smile even though his body simply didn’t want to, no matter how much it hurt. 

“Hey, Fiddleford. I’m an...old friend, Stanford Pines. Do you..remember me at all?” 

Fiddleford seemed utterly confused. He “hmm’d” to himself, scratching his beard and looking Stanford over. It got to the point where it seemed to be causing him physical pain, finally stopping with a groan. “Aw, sorry, there. Can’t seem to recall your name, but you’re that new scientist guy that arrived here in Gravity Falls, right? Sorry if I’m wrong. My memory ain’t what it used to be, you know?” 

Stanford let out a sigh and an understanding nod. He figured this was probably going to be the case. Perhaps, he needed some stimuli to get things going. 

“It’s alright, Fiddleford. I know you’ve been through a lot...trust me, I do, so I hope you don’t mind this.” 

Taking a breath, Stanford reached out to place his hands on Fiddleford’s shoulders, slowly drawing him into a hug. 

“I don’t expect you to forgive me, Fiddleford. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for everything that happened. I should’ve put my trust in you, not Bill. Driving you away is one of my deepest regrets. Even in other dimensions, it haunted me in my dreams. I wish...I wish I could take that hurt away, but we both know even the memory gun isn’t perfect. Memories don’t simply disappear, right, Fidds?” In that moment, he didn’t think about if Fiddleford didn’t know what he was talking about. All that mattered now was that he was hugging him again. He didn’t need forgiveness. It was the closure that he’d get at least. 

For a minute, Fiddleford stayed still, but he slowly wrapped his arms around Stanford, sighing softly. Just feeling safe in his arms and his familiar scent, he felt a rush of memories coming back to him, especially with the use of his old nickname Stanford often called him back then. He glanced over when he felt Stanford trembling, tightening his grip on his shirt. His head..well, really hurt, especially at the fact that Stanford was here and in his arms. 

“It was a tough time for both of us. And you know, I forgive you, Stanford. It’s been far too long for me to hold onto a grudge now.” 

Stanford gasped when he heard him call him by his name. Were his memories..returning? Was his hypothesis correct? Tears started to run down his cheeks as he cupped Fiddleford’s face with trembling hands. “Fidds….you really remember me? I-I mean, you shouldn’t forgive me. I betrayed you. You were the person I was closest to, and I turned my back on you, drove you mad enough to use the memory gun on yourself. I..I don’t think I deserve it..” 

“Oh, Stanford,” Fiddleford chuckled, looking up at him with the softest smile. “What matters is learning from your mistakes. Obviously, you found out the truth about Bill and his intentions, and you worked hard to correct your mistakes. Like I said, it’s been too long for me to hold onto a grudge, right, old buddy?” 

He winced a bit when another headache and rush of memories came on. “Ah, look at this. You’re sparking so many lost memories o’ mine. It’s like magic!” 

Stanford let out a choked laugh, having to remove his glasses a moment to wipe away his tears. 

“Yeah, it kind of is. I would say magic doesn’t actually exist, but..I’ve seen far too much to say that anymore. Plus, Mabel would probably kick me in the shin if she heard me say that.” After taking a moment to collect himself, Stanford offered his hand to Fiddleford. “How about we find a place to chat and catch up? My brother actually turned the old cabin into a tourist trap of sorts, but it’s a good place to hang out in. And really? A shack, Fidds?” 

“Hey, don’t blame me! I lost my mind, literally!” Fiddleford teased and accepted Stanford’s hand. The warm touch of it was something he really had missed. 

“OH MY GOD, GRUNKLE FORD! That was sooo cute! I actually started crying myself,” Mabel squealed from a nearby bush as she tumbled out of it followed by Dipper. “Oh my gosh! You guys are literally the cutest!” 

“Mabel...they just met again after...a really long period of time,” he said, having forgotten the exact number. “How about we give them some space?” 

“Oh, yes, yes. Space is important, but afterwards you guys have to tell me everything!” 

Stanford chuckled as he watched her drag Dipper off, guiding Fiddleford along. Things were still a little...awkward, but he was sure they’d regain their footholds in their relationship again. Things were a little different now, but after all these years, Fiddleford was still Fiddleford, and that was enough for him.

[mogoona3000]

Irondad & Spiderson Extravaganza—Fanfic Author Appreciation Day Edition

In honor of Fanfic Author Appreciation Day, here’s the fic list that haunts me at night, that list I cannot stop reading even if I wanted to. There are a few more but this was going to run too long, so I’ll just add my AO3 bookmark link because wow. Everything I bookmarked deserves the look over. Promise.

Lights to Guide You Home - @jolinarjackson

This is that story I cannot stop reading, and I love it more each time I do. It introduces other characters from the MCU, and honestly, Jules can give the Russos a run for their money with the way storylines are connected here. It’s elegant and perfectly paced. It’s one of my favorites. I recommend the entire series wholeheartedly. 

What We Are - @yellowdistress

A sucker for biodad Mr. Stark = me. 

Guys. The very first chapter--the very first line in this story holds right at your PULSE. And it doesn’t let go, not until it wants to. Which is never. Precious Peter Parker is an UNDERSTATEMENT. You want some AU Stark boys going through their lives as best as they can? With your canon “chaotic & heart of gold” Tony, and “walking disaster & too pure for this world” Peter? This. This is it. The whole series. The whole thing. 

The Third Option - Uncertainty_Principle

My very first fic in this fandom and it was, indeed, the best start I could’ve possibly gotten. This AU is outstanding. Man, what a job well done. I have so much to say that I can’t even begin to express it all. This fic blew the door wide open for me. It’s..yeah. This is masterful. 

Hydra’s Not a Home - @tempestaurora

Ugh. There is something about biodad Tony that just fills my lungs with air. This entire series was so complete, so well done; it was fun, and witty, and hurtful and feelings were everywhere. Also, also..Pepper is everything and more in here, and I love when she’s heavily involved. And it’s done well. It makes me FLY. Needless to say..yes. So much yes. The entire series. The whole entire thing. A must read. A muuuuuust. Yes. 

Webcams and Webshooters - @losingmymindtonight

I’m trying very hard to keep my composure because THIS SERIES RIGHT HERE, MAN. WOW. These two chaotic messes are being ridiculous on Peter’s YouTube channel and it’s the funniest, the most enjoyable thing. Nothing short of the most loving and endearing clips until it punches you in the mouth, leaves you bleeding, and then patches you up. All at the same time. If you listen closely, you can still hear my love and tears over this. Goodness, this was outstanding. 

It’ll Be Over (And I’ll Still Be asking When) - @jbsforever

My heart. The jokes. The tears. The Bruce. The way this story is handled, the way Peter Parker..I just..And there is that one scene that I just go back to all the time, because y’all just write the coolest things, and my nerd tears are LOUD. Someone read this and geek out with me. Message me right after you’re done. RIGHT AFTER.

Reviving Peter Parker - @yellowdistress

Here’s what happened: I read this and it took me the h out. 

You know, some times we wish for things that we know cannot take place. And when they actually do happen, because in the world of Tony Stark, aliens and gods walk amongst him so nothing can really surprise him anymore, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Denni has a way to tell a story with such very human-like emotion, and responses from our boys, that it’s almost too much. The tears were present right with their sibling pain. Read it all. All the parts. You won’t regret it. 

The Closest Thing He’s Got - @ grilledcheesing 

The..things I underwent with this wonderful work..All the emotions in the spectrum. Just so many things to feel. 

You love Steve? Read this. You hate Steve? Read this.

You love Spidey? Read. This. You hate Spidey? Read this, but good luck.

You love Irondad & Spiderson trope? Read this!!!!!

You love Tony Stark? Read this right now. Because he’s dong his best and everyone needs to back off. 

You hate Tony? Read this and eat your heart out.

Read this. Read this read this read this

5 Times Peter Parker Saved Tony Stark - @madasthesea 

There is a special place in my heart for all things “Peter Parker saving himself + others” and Tony just impressed with him each time. Because yeah, Tony. You found a good one. And he loves you just as much as you love him. “Ugh. So proud of that Spiderbaby” was what I murmured throughout this whole thing, with the occasional scream :)

5 Times Peter Made Tony Laugh Out Loud - @ grilledcheesing

There were tears rolling down my face when I read this. It was the funniest thing. I love Peter, that walking disaster. I’m just glad Tony is in his corner. Please read this and have yourself a good laugh. It is the best. But beware that all jokes must stop at some point.

5 Times Everyone Thought Spider-Man was Iron Man’s Favorite Superhero -  @madasthesea

Mr. Parker deserves all the love, and all the support. All the encouragement. All the good and “doing his best to be good” Irondad. This is the fic where my boys are loving on each other and everything is right with the world. 

Here’s to All the New Beginnings - @groo-ock

There is no retired Irondad like this author’s retired irondad. Gosh, Tony is a MESS, but what a good one he is. This gives you origin pieces here and there, and Tony being comically distressed over Peter, and loving him so much, it’s almost unhealthy. Also, love me some Pepper Stark nei Potts. I laughed so hard and then cried just as much. Peter’s growing and Tony can’t handle much of it. 

Honey Bee Theorem - @ closingdoors 

There are so many ways Tony’s life could’ve been lived, so many things that could’ve happened, so many things that could’ve been said. Pepper explores all of them, and it leaves you breathless no matter which way she presents them. This was quick and painful and gorgeous. We stan Queen Stark nei Potts. And we might not be okay, but yeah, he can definitely rest now. 

Soul of Wit - @yellowdistress

Sometimes I’m in bed at night thinking, “hmm, Denni is out for blood.” And by that, I mean she’s out for mine specifically. This ridiculous one-shot shot me right in my chest. Leave it to Denni to literally show you the world as it is, and make you feel this..ache in your chest, and have you THANK HER FOR THE PAIN SHE’S CAUSED. I love her work so much, that talented bean. Read this. Till the very, very end. It’s gonna suck, but I promise you’ll love it. 

Holdfasts - @groo-ock

“I know this is just my under-treated anxiety talking,” Tony says, “but if I leave this chair or close my eyes even for a second, the kid is going to die. So I have to stay here.”

Tony and Peter are a walking disaster. It’s so bad, oh my gosh. It’s so bad. The laughing while simultaneously panicking as I read this was unbelievable. The things these authors make me FEEL. Y’all don’t understand how good this is. Like, lol, seriously. This is just straight up phenomenal. Phenomenal.

Four Paragraphs - @iron--spider

WOW. Okay. The softest thing in all the land is what takes place when this majestic author creates a story. I mean, seriously, these were the best four paragraphs I’ve ever laughed and cried through. The love, the pride, the longing, the gentleness. “Everything is alright. We’re okay” is always the theme with iron--spider and honestly? I STAN SO HARD, IT MIGHT BE ILLEGAL. Loved this so much. So much. 

Call This Fixer-Upper Home - @3wworms 

Amy has a way with words. It’s surreal how a simple one shot about a couch can have someone aching, eyes prickling, and long after the tab for the story is closed, the thoughts of it all produce salty tears. Maybe it was the note she left before the story started. But..nah, Amy has a WAY with WORDS. It’s unmatched. It’s surreal. 

I Am One of You Forever - @groo-ock 

Say goodbye to your canon broken heart because this is coming for it full force. This was entirely too beautiful; it was easy. Simple. Genuine. It was SO moving. The closing chapter to the brand new book. Like a dream. Mundane, loving, friendship, love. You name all good things, this one-shot has got it. The tears will be inevitable. On multiple occasions. 

Star Child - @iron--spider

This is so organic and so soft. It’s wholesome, so much so it made me cry. These two really deserved more time. And I will never thank this author enough for giving it to them. Always. My Pete is undoubtedly a star child. Don’t fight Tony on it. 

The First Birthday After - @iron--spider

Goodness. No words. Just tears. 

Happy Birthday, tincan. 

We miss you. 

Flight of the Navigator - @3wworms

Everything, and I mean everything Amy posts is truly organic, mature and just nothing short of phenomenal. This is my favorite from her. The level of detail and characterization displayed here leaves me speechless. Always. I literally run from her fics. She pushes things out of me with the most mundane, simple concepts. A conversation, a thought, a LINE. Goodness, did I cry when I read this. It’s elegant and intelligent, insightful. It’s just so great. There is a tone to everything she creates, and it’s always so heartfelt. Everything. Everything everything is truly a work of art. 

Blankets and Brain Melting Fevers - @hailing-stars

I love some ridiculous, overprotective, comical Tony Stark. And I love even more the way Peter’s heart always has a thing for showing something new to this man. Something as simple as spaghetti-o's, and to make me CRY real tears. This was so funny and truly wonderful. Uncalled tears! But wonderful nonetheless. 

On My First Son - pansley

I almost didn’t include this. There are some things some would say are better left..unread. But what a disservice would that have been to you, to us, to the author. 

I cried throughout the entire time I was reading this. Literally. The moment you meet Peter, you already lost. 

This is absolutely incredible. What a piece. 

This one is the definition of a tear jerker. Period. It will wake up things inside of you that you’d never even know you’d felt for these characters we grew with. 

I cannot emphasize this enough: I was dangerously dehydrated. 

Heavens, what a story. I was breathless. 

Read this, but sincerely do so with extreme caution. 

Hold on to everything, because this one-shot is coming like a tsunami. No ifs ands or buts.

[opes-magnas]

The Funeral

How would it be, if you could see your funeral unfold?

I can’t believe they let the casket be open! Gosh!

I can’t look at myself that way, of course no one wants to look at themselves devoid of life and rotting away but it was much more harder for me to be another entity (which I didn’t believe to exist) and just stand there letting my body lay there when I desperately want to wiggle into it, like a cosy blanket that covers your toes when it’s cold but sadly that’s what death means, its finality only hits you only after it scoops up your soul, from the tiny little nest in your body and sets it free, to float in the air, to become one with the soil, to flow like water, to burn like fire or attain peace if that’s what you were destined to for, be one with the most singular core of the universe, which I am yet to know because I’m still here.

With death also comes revelation of secrets which were hidden in plain sight that everyone looked for but never actually desired it or wanted it only for the sake of knowing it. It’s like that tiny voice inside your head which speaks to you and you know everyone also experiences the same thing but no one really speaks about it or wants to prove it.

Wow! death did make me philosophical which I never was, but now I’m not Scarlett Hamilton I’m just a lost soul detached from its anchor, I don’t even know why I’m here, but the weird part is I can still feel strong emotions towards all the people I loved or even hated, I can see my daughter crying a river out, those salty tears roll down like beads stringing along a long pearl necklace I once wore.

Yup, now it’s just getting started, maybe I have willed myself so hardly too able to witness the grandeur of the world just once last time before I go wherever I’m supposed to. So my metaphorical body’s shaking at the thought of being a spectator to my own funeral.

The service started and I was standing on top an empty chair in the last row, I saw my husband standing near the casket with my four other brothers. He’s still as handsome as the first time I laid my eyes on him, I still can’t believe that I landed him, he is like way out of my league.

Those deep blueish green eyes, which appear like the sea bed whenever sunlight hits on it at very specific angles and brings out this certain depth, a mystery, which I would try to unravel every time I gazed into them and one day while eating French toast in a small Parisian cafe I made a rather curious analogy to this one puzzle that I just couldn’t get right, a continuous clockwork ticking and every second it’s different and that can never be brought back and a mystical creature might pop out any moment and he laughed his wide goofy grin which made his dimples appear distinctly. His platinum blonde hair slightly below his ears almost caressing them lightly, I can still remember the way I used to run my fingers through it like it just happened this morning, oh! It did. I’m happy that was the last thing I did before you know, I died. The rippling of muscles can still be seen underneath that black suit he’s wearing, which I picked out for him to wear to the his big Oscar after party. Everything just feels so real yet so far away, I’m right here, but I’m a world away from him. I guess I felt this way when we had a big fight about well I don’t remember what and honestly it was stupid but we stopped talking and when I was sitting right next to him, I felt miles and miles away from him. It was the worst.

I’m longing to have another moment with him, just to tell him that I’ve loved him until my very last breath, literally, that no one else could ever have made more of an impact on my life other than him, and I just have so many things to do.

Funny, now I want to do so many things when I’ve wished to die like a thousand times or probably even tried to. But now since I’m really dead all I want to do is live another moment.

Shaking off the deathly feeling, yeah now I’m definitely in the second stage of grieving, “the acceptance”.

The service started with the father saying some kind words about how I always was such a big donator to the church funds, honestly I did it because I didn’t know what to do with the money I had, it might come of snobbish but that was the truth. Now I’m being applauded for an act I did, not in the intention everyone believes it was done.

Now, I wish was more spiritual than I was, to actually believe there is something out of reach which I thought wasn’t possible cos the motto I always believed in was, ‘There are no boundaries to the knowledge you can unearth. Science can become quite lonely, even when you’re the most alone, if you could just believe you have one other person with you, God, it would be so splendiferous just to never be alone.

Focus, you insipient fool, focus! these are your last moments on this beautiful world, you’ll probably be eternally damned to the meadows of asphodel to have time to ponder upon the tiny nuances of life, right now take in as much as you can, you probably won’t remember Darcy, Ophelia, Zoheth or for that matter Zeke when you leave.

Then, my best friend walked up to the podium, I could the rivers of mascara gushing down, unrestrained, like the mighty rivers, sparing no one who stood in the way, right now the only things that stood in the way were tiny mountains of acne, pimples which were barely visible, but as she always said I was omnipercepient, but that was arrogant on my behalf to actually believe it deep down.

Euphemia, ‘the well-spoken off’, ‘the one who martyred for what she believed in’, is actually what her name means, and I was always awed like how her parents could have even the slightest clue that she would one day live up to the glory that her name had already bestowed on her.

Somebody, in some late night show once asked me to describe Euphemia as a scent. I sat baffled for a minute, because I thought of her as this limitless person who couldn’t be bound by timidity of just words but I did try my best.

I distinctly remember the first time all of my green roses (that’s something I call my gang as, I identified each of them with these characters from Oscar Wilde’s books the first time I met them, and I do hope someone gets this reference for once)

We went hiking to the grand canyon, we climbed uphill all day long soaked with perspiration, but when we reached the peak, I had to remind myself to breathe as I felt so awed by nature, like those slightly purple pink rock mountains rising majestically as in a challenge to the sky, splitting the clouds into an shards of glass when they’re broken, but reflecting the dazzling light in all its glory all across, in every colour I could ever imagine about, huge trees appeared like chess pawns moved here and there by the will of these cordilleras, I just relished every moment I saw this marvellous creation.

Then at night we lit this bonfire, which emanated a strange crackling and pungent smell at first but it soon felt so familiar. Warm and fuzzy that I felt I’ve been discerning this forever. That is how I think Euphemia would be if I could ever convert her essence into a scent.

She pursued her full lips, biting the inside of her cheek, knotting her overly expressive eyebrows into this broken bridge, contracting her face into a lemon being squeezed out of its limit, I could feel the turmoil she was in just by glancing at her. She gripped the mic with her freshly manicured nails and began to speak in a tone I’ve heard her use only a few times.

“Scar, I wish you were here with me…. umm I don’t know what you would want me to say though we talked about every single thing on earth, being the twisted sisters 2.0, but we weren’t dark to begin with.

As you always said, with every end there is a new beginning, as today marks the end of your mortal life here, I so want to reminisce the beginning we had which some might say is odd but we were never normal to begin with.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

I was walking towards me to be dorm, on broken cobblestones, just thinking of how small electrons can be and walked up the creaky wooden stairs and reached ROOM 27 , and I knocked the door and heard a ‘come in’ and dragged my two very huge suitcases in to see her standing there.

She scuffled over in her very high heels thumping methodically against the floor and when I was just about to measure its oscillation period with my pulse rate, she hugged me.

I’m not hugger nor am I a “people person”, so I responded with an awkward side hug and my face buried in her brown curls cascading down to her shoulders.

You must be Scarlet, the genius whiz kid! Hi, I’m Euphemia Clarke, I’m an undergrad in English lit, women studies and philosophy. So?

Umm… I’m scarlet Hamilton, I’m a grad in theoretical and quantum physics and English lit.

But, your of my age, how could you be a grad student? Yeah, I forgot momentarily that I’m in the presence of the next greatest scientist here, ooh we’ll be buddies in English lit. But why English lit? It seems like an odd choice for a science person to be interested in... And your also doing a double degree... what can’t you do! I must bagged the lottery in roommates cos you’re just a dream to be with and ooh nice dress huh... Zara 2018...chic, edgy and makes a statement... thank God! You have a nice taste, I couldn’t possibly live with a horrible makeover gone wrong nincompoop, I would just die a thousand deaths before that.

Uhhh...

Yeah?

Um... I should get settled in, then I might have to go and take a tour of the library, it’s pretty huge and also do some other admin stuff, so I guess I’ll see then.

Shut up, I’m going to help, it literally took an army for my room to be done, I came like 2 days early just to do some painting work, what colour do you like? We could...

My head kept spinning and jumping on ropes just to catch up with her, all I could hear was an echo of words and she did a graceful swirl and smiled at me, “we’re going to be just fine.”

I had the chance to then observe her like I did everyone, a “perfect body” some magazines would say, slender, about 5’2, a brunette with deep green eyes , her eyebrows deserved an award for all the jumps, somersaults, backbends they did and her smile made me feel like I was tasting honey on a warm summer afternoon at centennial park.

I certainly can’t be friends with her, she’s one of the high and mighty sorority girls who went on a shopping spree to Dior, Chanel and Marc Jacobs and spent like $500,000 dollars buying a pair of fur coats and heels and wanted to become a socialite fluttering at parties being ‘the pretty one’ and marry some rich guy and came to colleges like Yale only cos ‘daddy’ paid whoever was looking at her essays to look the other way.

God! Am I judgmental?

(Some months of awkward conversations later)

We were walking to English lit together and she was strutting like a Ralph Lauren model on a runway in ridiculously high heels and just took my hand in hers and gave it a squeeze without even looking at me and held the door open.

Today we were discussing about ‘Pride and Prejudice’ and because I’ve almost read the book a hundred times I was very excited to what kind of discussion we were going to have, I have looked at the book from my perspective which is can vary from a hopeless romantic to a strong feminist depending on what kind of mood I’m in, I want to see the book how a person who doesn’t believe in love, feminism, freedom sees it, obviously I will take it offensively but my curiosity multiplies by the second.

She and I spilt as we walked into the class, she went towards the back.

I found my seat in the middle of the amphitheater like classroom, which I think was chosen for English literature class specifically just to add that glamour, majesty and that extra pinch of drama that old English prose gives off. Clever.

Ms. Dalloway started reading the book, which opens with an immortal statement, “It is truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of good fortune must in want of a good wife.” Why don’t we kick the class of by a discussion on this iconic statement? Anyone up for the challenge?

Aah. Scarlet, not you again, I sincerely hope the next time you will allow the other nitwits here to use the fragments of their brains left. But, go on, you certainly are the person to speak about this book.

I think what that sentence means in plain English is that any man who is rich and handsome wants a trophy wife just to look at him as if he’s the greatest and adore him like a silly schoolgirl and basically smother and mother him and nurse his big giant ego.

I think this sentence is truly aptly describes how the society was and is, women are always reduced to matter of objects traded between men and valued only for looking pretty and being a social butterfly and the main goal in their life is to be a human incubators or rather baby machines. On a more serious and highly unfair note of beauty standards, however ugly the man is, he wanted a small waisted, thin, fair maiden from a “good family”. I mean women almost killed themselves trying to please men, wearing those corsets as tight their lungs could probably burst, lead powder as kohl and what not, just so men could feel valued, I don’t know even they even knew what self-respect meant. Jane Austen is a genius, she almost gave a jist of her novel in the very first sentence.

I don’t think she is the right person to speak about this book, Ms. Dalloway, she has only the view of a feminist, when one talks about a book, and it must be from an unbiased view.

All heads turned towards who spoke, even I was surprised that Euphemia could even think about anything other than her Manolo Blanik pink lacy heels she bought yesterday.

I think this story is totally unrelatable, yes I am a woman but it didn’t make it any easier for me to relate to it, I mean like everyone sees Miss Bennet as a prime example of Feminism, strength and how women can make their own way and stand by the things they believe in. But, she is as shallow, narrow as the other women and a big bully. She makes fun of Mr.Bingley because he is isn’t tall, handsome when she herself believes that women must not be judged for their external beauty. Men and women having equal opportunities, isn’t that what feminism means, and isn’t she being a huge hypocrite when she is going against the very ideals she believes in? She also mocks Caroline, who calls her family out on their shit. So, that makes her exactly the same as the others.

That was when I knew she would be my best friend.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Yeah and that’s how I knew she would be my best friend, because she stood by what she believed in, actually it is funny my name means the saint who married for what she believed in and her name means wealth and both of us embodied what each other meant and then had an epiphany that we could be what we were meant to be since we were born by looking at each other.”

I will be eternally grateful to Scarlet for making me more than a pretty girl, a woman who was a force of nature, who couldn’t be stopped by these insipid little men. I love you my dear, I always have. The only regret I have is I didn’t say it as often as I wished to. I love you, you have left an everlasting scar on my heart.”

Oh, Mia, I know, I know…

I saw her walk down the aisle and I remembered the day I walked her down the aisle to her husband and she looked at me and told, “You have left an everlasting scar on my heart.”

She looked at Zeke and nodded and went and sat next to Jake who kissed her cheek ever so tenderly and squeezed her shoulders just like I used to and she broke.

Many others spoke, like my mum, whose sentences weren’t distinguishable because of her crying and how God should have taken her instead, and it is so terrible to live after your child had died and looking at my face which was full and pink now shrivelled and almost passed out just to be caught by Papa, who couldn’t look her in the eye.

Mama always loved me dearly, I was the only girl out of 4 boys who were tough, burly and never asked for a kiss and a hug before running off to school, chatted with her late in the night explaining how she saw the world from her tiny green emeralds for her eyes and asked her flaming red hair to be combed into braids and always was willing to hear family gossip.

Well, papa wasn’t as warm and gooey as mum but he loved me , I knew it when he was hard on me to study better even when I got straight A’s and had skipped grades but didn’t give my brothers a twat when they scored less than adequate. He believed in me, which is more than I ever could ask for.

Maybe my cold and hard side was because of him, I was very analytical and logical and never let my emotions interfere with my decisions except when I said yes to my husband.

I never said this thought out loud, not even thought about it to myself, I was never a warm and gooey person who went around telling people how much I loved them, so it comes as quite a shock to me that I could even think of it. Maybe death brings finality to little things that were left out.

Saying the word still gives me chills, which reminds me again that we are never ready for things unless forced upon us. Whoever thinks they are ‘ready’ for life, they mostly never are, I never was.

My children came up, Darcy held Ophelia and Zoh like a fierce lioness protecting her cubs, I knew I raised her right, she took the mic and started speaking so confidently, she turned her steel grey eyes and looked right at me, a sharp light baring through my soul, almost as if she could see me and nodded her head right at me.

“Sorry, mum I haven’t shed a tear for you, even though the cessation of this hasn’t quite hit me yet, but I could see the differences already, nobody told if this black dress was appropriate or if my looked okay and Ophy and Zoh relied on me completely. I am sorry, but I know you never expected me to cry, but I think I know well enough to tell you expected me to be great. I still remember you whispering in my ear, before I entered Harvard, “Be Great or Nothing”, and those words were repeated by me in the break of dawn every day. You were what I wanted to be, independent, brave, most of all I was grateful to God to be blessed with the lottery in genetics. So, ma, that’s what I’m going to be, great.”

I saw the way her eyes sparkled with fear, fierceness almost as if her heart had broken into a million pieces yet she was holding it together not for the sake of putting on a show, but for herself. All I could do was smile, a huge grin actually, all the time I wanted them to be ordinary people, but she proved me wrong, greatness runs inn our blood.

Zoh and Ophelia, my little babies, I wasn’t worried about them either, they did cry though but chanted this one sentence together, “ Vincit qui se vincit .” and the three of them bowed before my casket, touched my feet, an intense bolt and I could hear them whisper together, non-duco ,duco.

An intense bolt of lightning shot through me, I looked at my arms they became almost transparent now. I could feel myself fading away, being sucked into but, I was ready to go before hearing his voice one last time.

My children, I was proud of myself to have raised them, but I looked at the sky above me and thanked the Gods for giving such Brave and strong humans into me. Thank you, thank you.

I was so lost in the maternal glory and satisfaction, I didn’t notice Zeke passing out on the podium before he even uttered a word.

He slowly swayed down, his eyelids shutting down on his beliquent violet eyes gleaming with distress and grief, his hands went upwards in a dramatic manner and his knees buckled down and landed with a thud on the floor, out of habit his eyes frantically searched the room for me before giving out a guttural scream in my name.

Suddenly, everything moved so slowly, people sauntered about as glaze leisurely dripped of a cake, none could hear me screaming, scratching and pushing past everyone to hold him.

The next thing I remember is sitting in a rushing ambulance moving like those cars in video games, twishing and twashing around other vehicles but never actually touching them. I could feel his heartbeat getting fainter and fainter and his hand grappling to my side. I put all the strength I had left in me to push his intense desire to be with me.

The doctors were speaking in a feverish pitch and everyone was so focused on saving him, my reality jilted and I was back in the Lake District National Park, the glacial ribbon like water was still the same, where the sky kissed the tip of peak Windermere who was stretching into the sky, looking for lost love, the purple pink flowers scattered around, the manifestation of temptation, no one resisted in plucking them out ,, the reflection trees into the almost ice like water gleamed like crystals, miles and miles of grass stretching infinitely and in it were a thousand insects, chirping and hooting and going by their lives not knowing the amount of tragedy that has befallen the world and a plaid picnic spread over with all my favourites which included my person.

I remember this day, the day of my betrothal to my beloved.

Ezekiel, the same serene look on his face, his mouth puckered into a smile that tugged at his dimples, his platinum hair swaying the wind and his hands beckoning me towards, as much as I wanted to go, I stood rooted where I was. Even if I moved an inch, I somehow became aware of the repercussions, the loss of his life, the more intense his desire to stay with me, the less will he has to live.

Dr.Burke once said, “With all medical realities being equal, why does one person live and another die? I believe there is a mind, body and spirit connection.”, if Zeke doesn’t want to live, no matter how much the odds that favour him, his body will defy everything to be with, me.

Our love, was the kind of love that came around once in a lifetime, the pure love which doesn’t expect anything in return but just loves not because of the looks but because of the thoughts, the feelings and mostly the heart. I loved Zeke with every inch of my body, every cell in my being and it tears my heart to leave him alone, but I won’t be selfish today. He still has a lot left to do, his time hasn’t come yet, and death hasn’t knocked upon his door so I’m not going to slip the key to it.

He smiled, “Scarlett, my sun, my moon and stars, come, please. You know why, I can’t live another minute knowing you’re not there to lay my head upon your lap and talk about how our day went, or to see your chest collapse and fall with every breath, the comfort it gives me, just in  knowing your alive . No, no, no!!”

I know, but you must always remember that I will be live as long as there is a place for me in your heart, I will live in those times your remember me and smile, I will live in those moments where you and the kids look up to the sky and say my name, I will live as long you draw breath, do you wish to kill my legacy? Do you? Go back Ezekiel, go back, I will wait for you.

His face contorted into a fit of rage, sorrow, despair and he walked near me and starting thrashing wildly, kicking his arms and legs in all inhumanly directions, screaming, yelling and when I looked into his eyes and gave him one last look, he stretched his arm out to lightly touch my fingertips and whispered,” Goodbye, my love, I will live for you.” as he knelt before me the same way he did that day.

I felt myself being swirled into a whirlpool of light, stretching me into long into infinite bounds, suddenly filled with power and just the feeling of being complete and then darkness enveloped everywhere.

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— Whoosh, a gust of wind blew over his face, almost caressing him. —

His eyelids fluttered open just a little, just enough to a peek at what is around him.

“Where am I? “

Daddy, you fainted at mum’s... umm... funeral and had a heart attack on the way, but now you’re okay, I sent Ophelia and Zoheth home, they persisted to stay but they had to go to school, that’s what mum would have wanted. You were muttering something in your sleep about seeing mum... Did you actually see her?

Yes, I did, she convinced me to stay. Go home, and take rest, you need to get back to college, remember what we promised mom? We are going to keep our word. Go.

She came and hugged him and gave a toothy grin and said,” Yes.” and closed the door behind her.

Thoughts flooded Zeke’s mind, he could remember clearly what happened at the lakes, and he knew what he was going to do. He clutched at his wedding ring and gazed outside his window knowingly. Even dead, Scarlet had made him a better man.

Scarlett I hope your happy.

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“What I want in my life is willing to be dazzled, to be cast aside by the weight of facts and maybe even float a little above this difficult world.” ~ M.O.

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Love,

Lady Lazarus

(picture and prompt from: pinterest)

[unkn0wnl0v3]

Day 2 ✿ Sep 15 ‘20

Today is a new day! Blah blah:/ ugh! I can’t believe I have P.E for my first period ε٩ (๑>•<)۶з and I can’t believe I’m already failing p.e! Like what the hell! I’m not even in class! F me I guess. Besides this my teacher in this class is ok he’s not boring he’s not hot either tho, he’s like this old guy. That’s ok ig; my classmates are all ugly and they’re all boring argh! I’m just salty cause I have to wait all day to see Sir! Ugh that’s the only downside of having him last. I wish I could just have him all day. That would be hot;) Oh my gosh tho like it’s been six minutes and my teacher still hasn’t started like start already! And it’s not like he says anything important he just drones on and on like this is P.E just let us leave if ur not gonna teach us anything. I guess I just have to f-ing deal with it (ᗒᗣᗕ)-(09:08)

Lmao pe teacher funny jk:)-(09:18)

Oh my god I just had algebra and my teachers wouldn’t stop teasing me. They’re funny and stuff but today they like fucking set me on fire. Like I said before at least soon I have Sir and it’ll be all good and fun. Ugh it was just so embarrassing (｡•́︿•̀｡)!!!!! Like in the beginning of class my algebra teacher was like “does *my name* want a test?:)” and I was like “yhmoskskwwkwkw” then my other algebra teacher put us in breakout rooms and was like “this is the girl who left my comp science class shes the one who hates me:) Hahahah” and I was like “uuu uuu ee ee eh eh huh eheheh” then my friend cat was waving at me and then my teachers called us out and we’re like “hi *my name* hi cat!” And I was like ‘(´Ｏ`)’. I’ll just be looking forward to the end of the day:)(11:3-?)

I have my class with him now. I usually find myself getting so scared that I’ll be like not doing good enough! But today the assistant principal came and then I was stressing like “Am I not doing enough?!!?!!!?!?!!!??” Cause like I want to look good to these people! But wtf like I literally get so embarrassed and I can’t act and think! I just want to be perfect for them ugh :(

And I was having trouble cause I couldn’t write my name and like I want to kill myself like I straight up just want to die rn like I want to die oh my god. And like my answer is fine but for some reason I just want to like die I want to die cause I think that he hates my answer but he probably doesn’t like I literally am going to kms. I’m going to kms like I’m going to die arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! If I could I would turn back time and just not come to class.(13:23)

Oh my god Jesus Christ hahahahahahahahahahhahahhahjhahahahahhahhhahahahhhjhjhhahhh Im losing my f-ing mind!(13:26)

Yk guys when I’m not lusting over him I’m just so bored! Like this class is so boring! Oh my gosh:0! Like I’m literally going to cry cause of how boring this f-ing class is wtf! But like who the F do I think I am:(((((( like it’s not like I add anything or say anything I should start contributing again cause I’m getting jealous idk why my classmates r just answering. Bruh I’m literally crazy. And he chose this Mexican story and he gets all happy when people answer with their Mexican knowledge I’m asian choose an asian book!! And it’s not like he’s Mexican he’s white so like urgh. Bruh Im just having a panic attack I’m like venting cause of how f-omg embarrassing this whole day is. I should just enjoy this class! Ugh but I can’t cause I’m crazy 。゜゜(´Ｏ`) ゜゜。!(13:34)

I like how two little tufts of his hair along his hairline curl and touch like a heart<333! Ugh I’m still bored tho. My aunt told me I should ask to be switched to the advanced class like AP cause all of my class from last year got put in ap English I’m the only one who didn’t even tho I got the highest mark(105.6%) so my ego kinda took a big fucking beating cause of it. My teacher said he really likes me tho, he talked to my mom and btsn and he was raving about me so I guess I should just be hopeful and assume he doesn’t hate me or dislike me or anything like little dumb brain is making me feel like. Bruh you know something’s wrong in ur brain when you get smitten as he says

“Thanks *insert name*”

Ugh what the hell its not even that cute he was just saying thanks. My god! I’m so topsy tervy when it comes to this stuff like I just got finished saying I’m so bored now I’m like f-ing horny. What the fuck. I want to kms! Argh! Lmao this kid couldn’t pronounce vaginal pleb! I’m mean I should be nicer to these kids just cause their below me I shouldn’t be such a bitch.(13:48)

I hate my anxiety I should kill myself shouldn’t I!?(14:11)

Oh my gosh wtf! I turned on my cam to say goodbye and my hair flew back and everyone saw my devestating hairline. Rip km rn y’all!(14:21)

I’m contacting him now to ask about being placed in a harder class or like getting support well not support well support for aiding my fucking boredom. He’s sexy tho so I’m not angry about having to talk to him(16:29)

He told my mom I should switch out to a different class to get a better education. Specifically his honors class. But if I do that then I might not be able to see him anymore And that’ll kill me. But if I stay in his boring dumb people class then that’ll kill me too. Worst part is if I do end up in his Honors English class then I’ll have to leave my friend in math. So if I do this the bad might out weigh the good. So idk get a better education with an ugly teacher, leave my friend, or be surround by dumb dumbs all year. Agh plz help(17:19)

I decided I have to get a better education like I can’t just stay in that class and not do what I have to do to get a good education. But like I’ll miss him. Or I’ll miss my friends and my other teachers idk. Idk idk idk, I just know I’m like feeling fucked rn:(((((((((((17:59)

I think I’ll probs be seperated from him. I mean it’s better this way cause I’ll get a better edu in an honors class and have a better time but like I’ll miss him he’s really cute. I might just sign up for the journalism club he oversees but idk I already have a tuff time in keyboard so idk if I can keep up with it all:((19:39)

I’m pretty sure this all my emotions for all school stuff and him like I thinks that’s all so bye (´ε｀ )♡ (21:31)

[fairycosmos]

hi chloe idk if youll see this but i only have a year left until college and i live in an abusive household. no one understands me and my mom and dad especially don't. my older sister doesnt seem to hold the patience to listen to whenever i do try and call her once annually. i dont know how much longer i can hold on. it literally hurts my mind so much thinking about all of it, especially after abusive episodes from them. im scared to live alone but i just cant wait to

gosh im so sorry to hear that love :( while i’m proud of you for making it this far and for being able to talk about it with me, it’s really awful that you’ve had to deal with it for so long, and that it’s happening to you in the first place. especially during your adolescence, which is a time when we’re all super impressionable. a time when we all feel like nothing is ever going to change. and i can definitely relate to nobody even taking the time to understand you, and to feeling like you’re being overlooked or forgotten. when we experience something like this our brains often to try to make sense of the actions of those around us by turning towards self blame, and internalizing all the negativity + manipulating it into self hatred. but i think its important to remember that you are not responsible for what others do, in this context. how they choose to treat you is not a reflection of you or of what you deserve, alright? your sister’s selfishness is a trait of her own. your parent’s anger is a result of their lack of control and self regulation. none of this is on you. it may be hard to truly believe that in this moment, but nonetheless i think it’s a sentiment you should try to keep close to your heart. it’s not your fault that you have been failed by the people who were supposed to protect you, and it doesn’t mean that any future bonds you form will turn out the same way. it’s normal to want to give up at times, but you must know that there’s a difference between temporarily feeling that way and actually acting on it in a very permanent way. i said this another anon the other day, but i mean it just as much: you have so much waiting for you. and you didn’t survive all of that for nothing. once you’re in college and you have autonomy over your own life, once you get to choose how much time you spend with your parents and how much you let them in - all of the pain and toxic beliefs you’ve built your world view around will begin to slowly dissipate. and that may be a life long process, but it’s supposed to be. you have all of the time in the world to build your own existence and to heal from what’s happened to you. there are so many different tools to utilize, paths to walk down and people to meet who will show you what it’s like to be truly loved. including yourself, the person you will grow into. if you just give yourself the chance. i know it’s not that much comfort in this moment because you still have to deal with your parents and their bullshit, but it’s good to consciously remind yourself of all the good that is out there. when you’re an anxious and hurt person, it’s common to suffer from a sense of impending doom or failure, but the reality of it will be so much more of a calm, gradual process than you realize.

that being said, i’m quite worried that you’re still in this situation and that your parents are just okay with periodically putting you through ‘episodes’. it’s NOT okay. and you have every right to process hurt, anger, bitterness, sadness, numbness because of it. while it may be painful, there is no shame in crying or in feeling whatever you need to feel. it’s a normal human response to such emotional turmoil, so try to go easy on yourself honey. you’re doing what you can with what you’ve been given. however, it’s important to understand that the presence of these negative emotions is never an excuse to harm yourself or worse. i understand that it’s extremely overwhelming, and that it may sometimes feel beyond your control. but even just attempting to put some positive coping mechanisms in place may make all the difference, even if they don’t work every single time. this can be anything from creating a safe space for yourself (in your room, or could be somewhere outside like the park or a library) to researching breathing techniques and self affirmations, to journaling or venting to your friends, to meditation to finding a comfort hobby/show to simply lying in bed and sobbing the feelings out and then going to sleep, maybe practicing some self care. every small effort counts, even if it feels like the dumbest thing in the world. if you keep it up on a semi consistent basis, you will notice a shift eventually. it’s possible to hurt and grow at the same time. i also think it could be a good idea to consider reaching out to someone about this - perhaps a school counselor, or a mental health hotline, or a support group in your area. maybe make an appointment with your doctor to see if they can recommend any resources, if possible? whatever works for you. i just really think it’s important that you understand on a very fundamental level that you have every right to talk about what’s going on, and that there are so many ppl out there who understand. who have even been through the same thing, and survived after it and thrived. i know this is one of those suggestions that feels very scary and like you just can’t do it, but if there’s any service available to you i’d really recommend utilizing it, or at least not ignoring the option all together. having someone you can be honest with and who can enable you to develop some self esteem, plus some added perspective so you don’t feel as ‘trapped’, will really make it all feel a little less heavy. consistent therapy/counseling will show you how to unlearn all of the mental habits you’ve developed over the years due to the treatment you’ve endured, and you deserve that relief. i get that it all feels like a lot of effort, and i’m not saying that doing this stuff is a quick fix. i’m saying that you have a life and an existence that is worth investing in, that is worth caring about. you are worth the world, FUCK your parents for making you question that due to their own mental and emotional issues. regardless of your past, you’re here and you deserve better. you will find better. you’re so much closer to getting ‘out’ than you realize. while it’s normal to be scared of living alone, humans adapt quite quickly. and you wont be alone in the way that you imagine, you’ll simply have agency over your own choices. like i said before, there are so many ppl who are going to show you what it’s like to truly treasured, who you haven’t even met yet. it’s just a matter of treating yourself softly, the way you’d treat a friend going through a hard time, until you get to that point. and also a matter of knowing your parents are full of shit. but anyway, this got far too long. i just have a lot to say, i hate how adults choose to have babies and then do this to them.....if you want to talk about it properly, or if you need a friend or anything. please feel free to send me a message. i’ll be here, and i believe in you !! one day at a time 💌

[cheesymovie]

okay so I’m alone in my dorm @ uni and I’m bored as all hell & i’ve has a recent fascination w old movies??? & u reblog stuff about old movies all the time so I’m just wondering if u have any suggestions?? I wanna watch some good/fun ones but I have no idea how to find the ones that don’t suck!! always a sucker for the ones that have gay subtext but like. any suggestions at all would be so appreciated thank u queen

oooooh yes!!!!!!! you came to just the place! im just gonna list some of my faves, hang on cause this is gonna be a LONG one (im not sure what your cutoff for Old is so i just went with 1960)

silent:

wings: really well done visually, also features the first gay kiss in history (ofc the context is different, but it’s there!)

nosferatu: the legendary spongebob character’s origin story! the music is wonderful in this, it’s very Artsy, just one of the greatest horror movies ever (it’s a bit slow at times but most silent films are)

the cabinet of dr caligari: REALLY cool from an art perspective, the sets are incredible, i love german expressionism, another great one for when you’re in the mood to get Spooky

steamboat bill, jr: buster keaton is a legend for a reason, this is my personal favorite of his. theres also something very unique and charming about silent film slapstick that i just adore, and this is a wonderful showcase of it!

the gold rush: basically the same reasoning as above, but with charlie chaplin. also this movie has a lot of genuine emotion you dont often get from silent comedies!

sunrise: a song of two humans: a must-see for silent films, it has super intriguing visual effects that really give a dreamlike quality to it, as well as great acting for the limited medium

show people: a really sweet classic romance that also gives you a nice (if not totally accurate) taste of The Movie Biz @ the time

metropolis: one of the first sci fi movies ever. visually STUNNING like nothing ive ever seen, also a bit of a workers of the world unite moment

noir/drama/general Serious Stuff: 

the big sleep: SEXY! the plot is hard to follow but it’s worth it for the characters and also just all i can say is. hot - it’s about a murder or two!

the maltese falcon: actually makes sense and like. Says Stuff abt humanity. gripping plot and nuanced characters -about a bird statue and the knights templar also human nature but also who could forget a murder or two!

sunset boulevard: absolutely enthralling characters, script, plot, performances, all of it! - it’s about a murder!

rebel without a cause: HUGE gay subtext with this one, one of the original Teen Movies

kiss me deadly: interesting!!!!! i was intrigued from start to finish w this one and you probably will be too

strangers on a train: one o those Psychological Thrillers, interesting n well acted - it’s about The Concept of Murder

north by northwest: super fast paced spy action movie that also #makes you think

murder, my sweet: another classic phillip marlowe story with that fast talkin detective dialogue i love so much - it’s about a murder! (my sweet)

double indemnity: the height of Cynicism in noir, not even any detectives in this just bad deeds and Tension -it’s about a murder or two!

key largo: just a hotel full of intriguing characters all At Odds with each other and the concept of heroism

random harvest: kinda cheesy amnesia plot but comes across well with good acting and dialogue

the lady vanishes: about a lady. who vanishes. funny at times and has that Classic hitchcock tension before he really landed on his final style

casablanca: “here’s lookin at you kid” “i think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship” just. one of the most iconic movies of the whole Classic Era and for good reason!

to have and have not: basically casablanca BUT consider this- i love Them (them being humphrey bogart and lauren bacall)

comedy/romance/general Light Stuff:

the thin man series: one of my absolute all time favorites! it’s just a story about two rich people who only love each other and alcohol getting dragged into solving various mysteries. my favorite thing about this is how much you can tell they love each other, like they’ve been married for years and just banter back and forth in a way founded on mutual respect n adoration which is So refreshing to see in classic movies!

it happened one night: i ADORE this movie! it’s a classic road trip comedy with a ton of bizarre side characters and hijinks, and also basically Invented the rom com genre. they’re also genuinely in love in a very cute way! it’s just sweet and fun and one of my fav movies of all time

arsenic and old lace: a dark comedy about old lady serial killers, brothers who think theyre theodore roosevelt and frankenstein (respectively), and Love. it’s super bizarre but a real joy to watch!

it’s a wonderful life: makes me sob every single time and leaves ya with that fuzzy warm feeling inside (recommended for christmas/winter viewing)

duck soup: i mean it’s the most iconic marx brothers movie, what more can i say!

bringing up baby: just a real wacky romp where it’s the lady and the tiger, with a whole lot of silly comedy

my man godfrey: makes fun of rich people n has a big loud ensemble cast (also romance)

the shop around the corner: they fall in love through letters but hate each other in real life! :0! bonus points for jimmy stewart’s voice

abbott and costello meet frankenstein: the title says it all. completely joyfully stupid movies like these are a big reason why i love old movies!

roman holiday: audrey hepburn’s debut movie. really sweet, has an ending that makes me cry

death takes a holiday: super interesting experimental concept not seen often in this era - Death literally takes a holiday and has to deal w life n love n all that

sabrina: a very nice and well acted little romance/cinderalla story w sprinkle of comedy

the philadelphia story: another Classique rom com with a love triangle n some nice fast-paced witty dialogue

musicals:

singin in the rain: one of the first classic movies i ever remember loving. every second of it is just. ah chef kiss

guys and dolls: very fun!!! just emblematic of good ol showtunesy musicals as a whole 

top hat: fred astaire and ginger rogers!! need i say more?

on the town: really fun music n choreography, generally engaging to watch

cabin in the sky: an all black cast with a ton of great songs n talent! 

the great ziegfeld: a really lovely period piece about 20s live shows with stunning costumes/choreography

gentlemen prefer blondes: it’s classic baby!

meet me in st louis: very sweet very fun lots to love

an american in paris: kinda ran out of juice near the end here and realized Musicals is the Same. anyways watch it gene kelly is charming and can click his heels together 

horror/sci fi

dracula: sexy. iconic. what more do you need

frankenstein: really has a Heart unlike a lot of these, also Iconic

bride of frankenstein: made me cry! see above but like, More

just realized im listing all the universal monster movies, so just, watch Any of those for a good and cheesy classic horror time

the day the earth stood still: a real cold war era movie about aliens and morality

plan 9 from outer space: a HILARIOUS so-bad-it’s-good old sci fi movie, highly recommend 

them!: giant radiation ants babey! really good effects for the time n well done suspense

honorable mention: this is past the cut off date but watch santa claus conquers the martians oh my gosh it’s the epitome of old b list sci fi and it never fails to send me n pals into a regular Laugh Riot

[squadron-leader-farrier]

Let's spice things up a bit; ANSWER ALL OF THE QUESTIONS

oh baby, you answered m prayers lol this is gonna be long so buckle up ?

1. favourite place in your country? my hill station, because of the weather, and because i haven’t been to many places, and the ones that i have been to were extremely hot and i never want to go there again,

2. do you prefer spending your holidays in your country or travel abroad? depends on the holidays tbh. what the festivals the holidays fall near and that. i’d stay here for some, but for the ones that we don’t celebrate in my country like Halloween, i’d like to go abroad.

3. does your country have access to sea? peninsula, babey!

4. favourite dish specific for your country? chicken biryani. boy, oh boy, just thinking about it makes my mouth water. it’s that good. gosh, the flavour, the spice. the way they cook it,,,, the colours ahhhh

5. favourite song in your native language? ones made before the 60s. and the patriotic songs. there are too many to name, but two (non patriotic) ones are this and this (because they’re sad love songs and give me flyboys feels ya kno?)

6. most hated song in your native language? like, as a nation? idk. but personally, i hate, absolutely loathe any songs made after the 60s. they lack originality and creativity. all they did was rip off popular english songs, and changed the lyrics. that’s literally all they did. and they are super proud of it. i hate it. the music industry had gone to complete shit. even today they don’t know what good music is and ow to make it. they’re remixing all the old ones because they lack creativity. i hate it. 

7. three words from your native language that you like the most? i don’t like any three words, because they’re not that appealing on their own (not the ones i can think of right at this moment) but rather, phrases. when you string those words and make poetry or prose. it’s really beautiful, and really poetic. perhaps the best ones are in those two songs, and others like them.

8. do you get confused with other nationalities? if so, which ones and by whom? i haven’t been in a situation like that so i can’t say.

9. which of your neighbouring countries would you like to visit most/know best? probably Russia because the ones right next to me are exactly the same in topographical, cultural and architectural respects. there’s literally nothing new to see there, so i’d like to go to Russia.

10. most enjoyable swear word in your native language? so it’s basically three: bhenchod/madarchod/chutiya. all of them mean motherfucker in their basic essence, but are used to describe people, cuss out people, call your pal, so basically, the hindi equivalent of fuck. can be used as adjectives, prepositions, verbs, nouns, whatnot. can be used individually or all together. perhaps splash one of them in a conversation to make the group giggle a bit more while telling a funny story. 

11. favourite native writer/poet? the ones who wrote nationalistic literature during the freedom struggle. so, to say, i like Sarojni Naidu, and Tagore. they’re perhaps the most famous ones of the time, and i like their work. 

12. what do you think about English translations of your favourite native prose/poem? i don’t have any, because they’re already written in english by the authors. i read a poem or two lying around somewhere, but the thing about hindi is that the translations don’t bear the same feelings as the originals. 

13. does your country (or family) have any specific superstitions or traditions that might seem strange to outsiders?  oh there are too many. too many by far. most of them are the usual black cat and others, oh, one i heard when i was in like 4th grade was that you shouldn’t go out with open wet hair at night because a spirit can get caught in em and come home with you. so that was strange. my family doesn’t have any, we’re rather realistic.

14. do you enjoy your country’s cinema and/or TV? no not in the least. you know why? because of this. i swear to fuck, the person who uploaded this compilation didn’t edit a single thing in. how do i know? because i’ve watched these on actual television. when i was young. in my neighbour’s tv. 

15. a saying, joke, or hermetic meme that only people from your country will get? remember when some of you motherfuckers got offended by bitch lasagna because you lack basic understanding what a fucking joke is? you don’t know what satire is? you are the reason why people think indians have no sense of humour because you DON’T it was a fucking JOKE holy shit i’m so triggered by this

16. which stereotype about your country you hate the most and which one you somewhat agree with? haven’t heard of many stereotypes about us, but the laziest one i can think of is that we can do math and are good at science. we’re not. i’m shit at all of that. so are my 34 other classmates. 

17. are you interested in your country’s history?  not really, tbh. maybe the period just before independence, and some post-independence stuff, because i got dirt on those politicians and i want more of that so that i have a reasonable justification for hating politicians.

18. do you speak with a dialect of your native language? i don’t know, maybe i’m so used to it i don’t even realise lol. but i guess so.

19. do you like your country’s flag and/or emblem? what about the national anthem? YES. YES. YES. i love them. i absolutely adore them. the flag is so symbolic and so beautiful i love her (orange on top for sacrifice, white in the middle for purity, green at the bottom for prosperity, the blue circle in the middle for resolution and justice, just ahhhh). the national anthem always gives me the chills. everytime i hear it playing somewhere, or when we sing it sometimes after assembly, or during days like today (independence day) or republic day, when we finish singing the last line it just always makes me a bit emotional and proud? yeah. today i almost started crying because i love it so much.

20. which sport is The Sport in your country? Cricket. even though the national sport is hockey. no one cares about hockey :(

21. if you could send two things from your country into space, what would they be?  the memers who think they’re very funny, (which they are not in the least), and the anti nationalists and separatists. i do not want them here. get lost. fuck off. shooo.

22. what makes you proud about your country? what makes you ashamed? what makes me proud, is the freedom struggle of the revolutionaries, and the progress we’re making in every field, the hospitality of the people, and the unity in diversity. what makes me ashamed is that there’s still so much corruption in the government, can’t help it, the law’s delay, gosh the people who think they’’re better than everybody else, the entertainment industry, the music industry, some of the people, most of the politicians, etc.

23. which alcoholic beverage is the favoured one in your country? bold of you to assume we have a single favourite beverage for the entire country. i think it varies from state to state. for mine i think it may be something apple related, because we have lots of apples here. the season is also coming lol and also, it’s very confusing because some states have completely banned alcohol and in some the legal drinking age is 18. 

24. what other nation is joked about most often in your country? canada and ‘murica mostly because so many people immigrate there 

25. would you like to come from another place, be born in another country? i’d like to be British, because  i like the aesthetic and weather. 

26. does your nationality get portrayed in Hollywood/American media? what do you think about the portrayal? i don’t watch many movies, but i think it’s not much/a small amount and neither do i mind nor do i care. 

27. favourite national celebrity? no one. i hate all of them.

28. does your country have a lot of lakes, mountains, rivers? do you have favourites? yep!! she’s not called a subcontinent for nothing, babey! i live near the Himalayas, so i like that.

29. does your region/city have a beef with another place in your country? oooooh yes. ooooooooooh  boy. with Pakistan lol. mainly because of the union territory of jammu and kashmir. because pakistan wants it, we want it, and it legally also belongs to us. there’s separatists there, anti nationalists, and there’s poverty there, so it’s easy to instigate the people against the government. there were wars fought for it, most of them ended in our favour, but the other side is still making so many ceasefire violations, it is insane. it has been years, and every other day there’s a new violation. there’s lots of unrest in the valley, which is a shame, because it is a truly beautiful place. 

30. do you have people of different nationalities in your family? my uncle is British, my cousin’s husband is also a Brit. a great-grand relative of mine was also British. there are none on my mother’s side.

[carry-on-my-pretty-weeper]

Catching Lightning Chapter 3

Author: carry-on-my-pretty-weeper

Character(s): Peter Parker, MJ, Ned, Reader, and Flash

Word Count: 1k+

Warnings: cursing, slight bullying

Author’s Note: I’m cranking out chapters left and right oml

Masterlist for this series!

Monday morning went off without a hitch. Lunch was when it started to get testy. All because of the asshole Flash. He decided today of all days was when he wanted to pick on Peter and your friends. You couldn’t give a flying shit if he picked on you because you honestly couldn’t care less about him but picking on your friends was an sure fire way to get you pissed. 

“Penis Parker! I didn’t know today was dress like a loser day-”

“Really? Because it seems that’s all you dress up as year round,” you fired at him before he could finish. His angry gaze slowly turned to you in your sweater that was way too big to be yours. You didn’t care what he had to say to you as you held his glare.

“You might want to take that back before-”

“Before what? You cry about it to your dad? You know you have Draco beat in the little bitch contest,” you didn’t know where all this new confidence was coming from but you liked it. Peter, Ned and even MJ were all staring at you with their jaws on the floor. Well not entirely for MJ she just had bit more interest in her ever steady stare than usual. Flash looked like an offended bird and strut away with his feathers all ruffled.

“Oh my gosh, y/n that was amazing,” Ned exclaimed clearly excited.

“You didn’t have to do that for me, now you’re on Flash’s radar,” Peter said with unease.

“I know that and you know that I hate that prick and he needed to be take down a few pegs. Plus I’d literally do anything for you guys even if that means having to deal with a million Flashs,” you stated with honesty.

“The world couldn’t deal with a million Flashs,” MJ piped in. That made you all laugh as the bell rang signifying that it was time to go to class. You all packed up your things and made your way to your classes. 

Chemistry 6th period was the worst. Flash was in this class and he was starting to stare a hole into the back of your head. The only good thing about this block is that Peter is in it. Being Peter’s lab partner consisted of writing down all the smart stuff that flew out of his mouth onto paper. Not that you weren’t smart too just that you weren’t smart in Chemistry but you had to pass this class to get into Zoology next year even though they had nothing to do with each other. Your thoughts were interrupted by snickered behind you that most definitely belonged to Flash. While the teacher wasn’t looking you flipped him off. Peter just watched the entire interaction with an emotion in his eyes you couldn’t quite place. Regardless you two continued to work on the assignment. 

At the end of class you were walking up to turn in your assignment and Flash was too. Well certainly nothing bad is going to happen you thought sarcastically to yourself. After handing the teacher the paper you were going back to your seat when Flash tripped you. You half fell, half caught yourself which ended up in you doing a weird step, dance move looking thing. All eyes were on you “hey it happens,” you said with a shrug of your shoulders. You weren’t going to give Flash the satisfaction of being embarrassed. Everyone went back to whatever they were doing. Peter turned to you with worry evident in his eyes. “I’m fine Peter I couldn’t care less,” you tried to reassure him.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt because of me,” he confessed.

“It is in no way your fault if I get hurt, which I won’t because I can handle myself. I’m a big girl I tie my own shoes and everything,” you joked trying to lighten the mood. He cracked a small smile. “Also it’s the end of the day and we won’t have to deal with Flash until tomorrow,” you threw in “so my apartment today or yours?” He thought for a second.

“Yours, hate to admit it but you have more movies than I do,” he answered. The bell rang for the last time that day and you two exited the school.

“Hey do you mind if we stop by Mr.Delmar’s before we head to my house? I want to pick up some snacks,” you asked him.

“Sure as long as we can get gummy bears,” he countered.

“Deal.” 

When you entered Mr.Delmar’s you were greeted by the middle aged man. “Y/n! Peter! It’s been too long, don’t tell me you found another store to buy food at?” he asked with fake sorrow. You and Peter laughed as you were walking to the candy isle.

“Of course not! We would never cheat on you right Peter?” you said turning to the boy who’s grabbing 3 packs of gummy bears.

“That’s right who else would smoosh down our sandwiches?” Peter added as you grabbed Kit-Kats and a bottle of Lemonade.

“Well that’s good to know since I saved these for you Ms.Y/L,” he said as he brought up two strawberry Kit-Kats from under the counter. You almost dropped everything in your hands as you rushed over to him. He took the snacks from your hands and started to put them in a plastic bag.

“You remembered! I can’t believe you got them for me!” you exclaimed. You told him about how Kit-Kats had other flavors besides chocolate and how you wanted to try everyone of them. You started to get out your money when he stopped you, confused you look up at him and he tells you its on the house. You try to argue but he ushers you out of the convenience store before you can try to change his mind. This just made your whole day, scratch that whole month! “That was really nice of him,” Peter remarked as he took in your thousand watt smile.

“I know right? Can you believe it? I need to pass on the good karma,” you said as you opened the strawberry Kit-Kat. You broke off a piece and handed it to him. He gladly took it but when your fingers touched you accidentally shocked him a little bit. Nothing too bad, it was like when you used to shuffle your socks on the carpet then chase him when you two were little. A baby shock if you had to describe it.

“Oi you got me,” he said surprise evident in his voice. He then proceeded to tease you about how you did the same thing when you were kids. Which in turn made you tease him about being a rounded face child while pinching his cheeks. He playfully swatted your hands away so he could eat the Kit-Kat. You reached your apartment and said hello to the doorman who’s name was Eddie. He greeted you as you handed him the lemonade before making your way with Peter to your floor.

“Why do you always buy your doorman a drink or food?” Peter asked.

“Well I was talking to him one time while I was waiting for my mom and he was talking about how he never really gets a break to go buy food since Jean quit. So whenever I buy food on the way to the apartment I get him something because his job keeps me safe and I want to show I’m grateful,” you explained while taking bites of your food. Peter right then and there felt his adoration for you grow. You were just so happy and cared for everyone. It made him just want to protect you more. That’s why he had to hide his secret from you. To protect you. That’s what he kept telling himself. It was to protect you. But what he didn’t know was you didn’t need his protection.

Tags: @stevieboyharrington @fandomlover03 @markusstraya @speggehi @thetimidsarcasticcat

[committoreality]

Hi Georgia, you seem so smart, kind, down to earth and wise beyond your years. How do you stay so well-balanced and happy? I feel that I am suddenly having a lot of trouble finding a balance in my life lately and I was wondering how you're able to always be so calm, cool and collected. Thank you xx

Oh my gosh thats nice that you think I’m calm cool and collected! In all honesty I’m such an emotional and moody person and i am not cool and collected- maybe I come off that way but in my head it’s anxiety central, that’s why I have so many techniques to try and mellow myself out and get out of my head. I’m also not too balanced but that’s okay. I guess a few things first-

1. There are periods of depression and expansion like there are season of rest and growth. You’re not failing or letting yourself down if you don’t neatly cross everything off your list or hit all of your goals. Some weeks I will do hours of rigorous exercise and productive studying every day. Other weeks I cry a lot and feel unloveable and sad and hate on life. And every time I pass one of those periods I learn something so it’s fine. Honestly we need both in our life. I don’t strive for balance so much as keeping things in perspective and acknowledging that I’m human and I will likely always have days when I feel like a nervous insecure wreak and make mistakes, I’m fine with that.

2. When I’m sad and down, I have a long list of “self care” activities, and I make the time to do 3 of them in that moment. Every day I make sure to do 3 things that make me feel good about myself or make me happy. It’s kind of neurotic and excessive but it helps. And during the day I take the time to write it down, or I do at the end of the day- and that re-orients me to focus on the good things and all the ways I take care of myself. What does it look like? Here is a link and I snapped a photo just for you.

3. Do things that bring you self esteem. If you feel better about yourself when you paint, workout, eat sushi, make tea, shower, do your nails, watch a show- that’s awesome. But those things are temporary unless you crowd your life with it and then that’s just another problem most likely. I’ve been feeling kind of sad and antisocial- so I got a job. It means more social interactions and positive exchanges and a way to elevate my sense of self by knowing I’m making money, being nice and serving people, and spending my time on my feet moving around. Bigger things can be tutoring kids for free, volunteering, helping your friends, kind gestures, and really any sort of routine where you feel like your spreading some good. I feel like those things make you rest easier. And even what you’re already doing- reframe it and think about the goodness it brings and potential it has to do good to you and others. 

4. Try to start your day with something that makes you proud. I’m such a stressed out person and I feel like I’m always running out of time and I worst case scenario life- so in the morning- first thing I do is take the time to ake myself a matcha latte and I sit and write for a bit. I slow down and that’s important for me because it’s one of my goals. If your goal is getting stronger- start your day with a short walk or workout. If your goal is to become more intelligent learn a new word and practice using it all day. Just something little to set a good tone.

5. Even though I do all these things and try to feel great and balanced and zen, I still have struggles during the day. My days aren’t perfect and happy and great 100% of the time. And I think resisting that and striving for perfect can be a little disappointing- at least for me. I need to give myself room to feel shitty and be emotional and be unproductive at times. Like I said, when you’ve been expanding for a while, you need to calm down and retreat. And by depression i don’t mean it as the illness but literally just retracting and taking a step back and coming back into yourself to reflect and rest. To me, that’s balance. Sometimes it comes down to good days and bad days, other times it comes down to shitty years and amazing years. It’s all a cycle and I try not to fight that. 

[nothinglessmemories]

A Post that I really don’t know if I should post

Wow okay here we go, we’re doing this.

You all are probably wondering, what is this? Is everything good? Is she good? The answer to all of these questions is yes, I am good. The reasons I’m sitting here writing this is 1.) I feel like my story could help someone 2.) I’m done HIDING my life around certain people 3.) I currently have an unapologetic mindset right now.

Now you’re wondering “girl! tell me what’s up.”

I am going to open up about my battle with depression and anxiety.

Some of you reading this might know me and some of you might not but if I’m going to be completely honest and transparent, I am not doing this for attention, pity, or pats on the back. I’m telling my story as a way to reach out to others who may be feeling the same way I have for the past eight months. In my high school years, I have concluded that telling your story could help someone. I’ve learned that telling your story is not easy and that telling your story might come with post testimony doubt. I also want you to know that I am not telling my story to expose anyone, I am simply telling my story because I want to help and inspire anyone and everyone who reads this post.

Buckle up, grab a drink and a snack because this is a LONG story.

It all starts at the end of December. I have lived in IL for six years of my life so the winters there are like post apocalyptic. I mean just imagine the whole world was about to end, it’s dark, the air is bitter, everyone looks like they’re going to die. Okay so we have the setting, it’s cold and snowy and just plain gross outside. Winter is probably the worst season, don’t get my wrong I LOVE Christmas and hot cocoa but I mean winter just drags on forever. Anyway, I was dating someone at the time that I thought loved me (I’ll explain later), I was lying to myself and telling myself I was okay but really I was drowning in anxiety. I was slacking off in scholarships, school, and spending time with friends and family. I just simply did not want to do anything, all I wanted to do was come home and sleep. If I had my way I wouldn’t even get out of bed. Now I was on some medication (birth control) for my excruciating periods, which is part of the reason I was feeling so depressed but these depressive thoughts didn’t really go away after I stopping the BC. Later in January, my boyfriend at the time broke up with me in my own driveway. I was convinced we could’ve fixed things and that I was the reason things weren’t going the way they were supposed to.

The Relationship and Break up:

This is a big part of the story that I’ve been debating on whether or not I should write about but I figured it’s not fair to leave out such a big chunk of my story. This does not expose this person, this is all true and from my POV.

Now that I’ve got the disclaimer out of the way, we can get started.

Now my ex and I have been friends for a long time before dating and after the summer of ’16, we decided to start dating. It was the beginning of our senior year and everything kicked off great. We went on cute dates, he got me my favorite donuts, lunch, we would watch movies, you know everything that boyfriends and girlfriends do together. Now he and I went to different schools and I lived about 20 mins away from him so we didn’t really get to hang out unless we were a). At youth group or b). Friday nights. I felt a lot of anxiety about hanging out because I felt like every day we didn’t hang out was the time we were wasting to be with each other. Before dating he told me that he was busy with all of the extracurricular activities that he was involved in, I told him I understood (I really didn’t) and that was the end of that conversation.

Flash forward to about September. School had already kicked off and things started to pick up with both him and I. I had choir meetings and events, football games and other things that my friends and I did. He and I only saw each other on Fridays and Sundays and that was taking a toll on me. I felt like he was not giving enough time to the relationships. I felt like every day that passed was a day that we could’ve spent together and he simply didn’t think it was big deal. This goes to say that not everything went wrong because of him. I tend to be passive aggressive when I am frustrated or mad at someone and I hate confrontation so I would tend to brush things off and not talk about my troubles with him. I would open up to him about my depression and the anxiety I would feel but that would tend to lead to unkept promises that just disappointed me in the end.

So the fall and winter months were filled with fights and me continuing to be passive aggressive toward him. They were filled with him promising to make more time and then breaking them when something came up. Blowing off conversations and plans that we had made. It was all just anxiety filled months that I usually spent the nights crying about. There were times that I didn’t want to go to (and I didn’t) and times where I wouldn’t want to go to youth group because I didn’t feel like getting out of bed. It was like I felt like I didn’t deserve to feel happy and when I did go out I would feel anxiety about my ex and me.

Now it’s the second week of January and I felt like things were finally settling. My boyfriend and I had been really great and spending time with each other and I had been consistently feeling better about myself. The truth bomb moment happened. He told me that he had a mandatory show choir event that he couldn’t miss even if he wanted to. Now, this doesn’t seem so bad! Oh, but it was. His show choir event had fallen on prom and not only prom but my 18th birthday. FML. I expressed how upset I was and I just couldn’t get over the fact that he couldn’t come to my prom. I was having a really hard time balancing everything from the ACT and college applications, I didn’t really need or want this news. I felt like my world was crashing down on me and it sucked.

Things weren’t really getting better and I was getting depressed again. Not only was I sad but I always had this weight in my chest. My depression not only made me feel like a slug but it also caused me to act irrationally. I would just lash out or shut down, there wasn’t really much of an in-between. I remember one day I was feeling insecure in our relationship and confronted him on much he hung out with this one girl, I guess we’ll call her A, ya know like PLL. I remember there was one instance where I had finally got the courage to tell him that I was feeling depressed. I had opened up and told him how I didn’t have any motivation and that I didn’t want to get out of bed. He humored me for awhile but then he said something I will never forget. Can we talk about this later? This is all exhausting. What a slap in the face.

I guess all this and the fights him and I were having were just too much for him to handle because he soon broke up with me at 11 pm in my driveway.

You guys. This break up was NOT good, I mean this has to be the worst break up I’ve ever been involved in. I literally lost it. I lost it so bad that I couldn’t even drive my car home, I had to get his brother to drive me, I was such a wreck. I was screaming and bawling and begging, gosh I looked pathetic but at the time I felt like everything was just too much. After his brother drove me home, my ex and his brother's girlfriend drove into my driveway. My ex-got out of the car and jogged up to my sobbing mess of a person and told me that he didn’t think that he could handle being together anymore. Just went I think I ran out of tears, the floodgates opened. It was like when you’re trying to turn the sink on so just a little water comes out but you turn the faucet too hard and it just starts spewing out and splashing everywhere. I ran inside and just broke down in the middle of the hallway. My parents rushed in to see what was going on and asked and asked: “Maddy what’s wrong?” They exchanged worried glances and finally got me to calm down. Once I calmed down I told them what happened and that I was feeling depressed. That’s when they decided to take me off the BC to see if that was the root of the problem. Long story short, it was the cause for the heightened anxiety and depression but even after being off of birth control I still felt no motivation.

The Aftermath

Everything was going great. I got into SWU in Central South Carolina and I got into the OneLife program. I have great parents who are proud of everything I do, I have a good set of friends but something still felt off.

As summer approached I made myself excited for the upcoming trips. I was going to Haiti for the second time, I was going to Myrtle Beach and NOLA. Don’t get me wrong I was excited about these trips. It was my last trip with everyone that was graduating in StudentLife but like I said something seemed off. I just couldn’t fully get over the fact that I felt so heartbroken over the break up that happened five months ago. Y’all remember A? Well, she comes back in the narrative. I noticed that my ex and A had been awfully close. I have to admit that I felt a pang in my chest each time A and my ex-were around each other. Since I am being honest here, I really never liked A and that made everything much worse. I felt like I had to like her because she was part of my youth group and I felt like “well if I just suppress my emotions about her and my ex, everything will just calm down,” but it didn’t.

I have learned that holding in your emotions is not going to help anything.

One night in NOLA we went to this small music gathering (I don’t really know what to call it) we were all dancing and hanging out, I was having a good time until I noticed that A and my ex-were dating together. I don’t know why but that struck a nerve within me and I became angry and sad. I didn’t want to feel upset because I wanted to have a good time in NOLA and I wanted to spend time with the people I actually cared about but this situation 10X worse.

Flash forward to the last night in NOLA. I was still bitter at my ex and A. I had said to one of my friends “I don’t like her.” I felt like I was being honest and that wouldn’t get back to her because well, I trusted my friend. Wrong choice Maddy. Low and behold he told her what I said and she started crying. Now if I’m being honest I didn’t really care about the way she felt because in my head she made me feel awful as well. I know she didn’t really care about the way she was making me feel when I saw her and my ex together. I know this because about a week or so after NOLA my ex and A were dating. I, of course, apologized for what I said behind her back and we were cool for the rest of the trip but nothing will ever be the same and we are not friends.

EDIT- I just want y’all to know that at that point in time I didn’t care, with that said I have done a lot of growing, thinking, and praying about the situation. I was definitely a bitter person at that point in time. Now that doesn’t mean that I have to like everyone but I have forgiven them for what I feel they have done. I just want to put that out there because there is confusion. 

From that experience, I learned that I can’t compact my feelings and I shouldn’t feel that I need to compress them.

I also learned that I don’t have to be friends with everyone.

Why was I mad he moved on?

Well, I have my reasons for that. I was mad because he was hanging out with her a lot while he and I were dating. I felt like he was going to leave me for her and you know what? He did. That’s exactly what he did and right in front of me.

When you know your right about your boyfriend liking another girl while he was with you, it feels like you’re not good enough. I mean how could you feel any other way? Not to mention I was still feeling depressed. I rarely wanted to leave the house during the summer and I almost didn’t want to go to school in SC. I felt like I wasn’t good enough to do anything.

When someone shows that they don’t care about you, it hurts you in ways that you can’t describe. I mean I could find a way to describe that but it wouldn’t be worth it.

How’s it going now?

I’m glad you asked! It’s actually all looking up now. I am currently enrolled in OneLife here at SWU and I’m making amazing friends and progress with my relationship with God.

I have realized my true worth and that I always have someone there for me… his name is God.

When you give it all up to God, it all doesn’t seem so bad. When you surround yourself with people who also want to grow with God and with people who will listen to your struggles things don’t seem so bad.

I have found that life is better when you weed out the toxic people in your life.

While I have a long way to go in my journey, I finally have the peace to walk blindly where God wants me to be.

Thanks for staying with me on this journey.

All the love,

Maddy

[jayyingle-blog]

Diego, I’ve never been a writer, not until you broke my heart at least. So here we go… the story of us.

In 8th grade, you know the emo years of every teenager’s life, you messaged me on Facebook. I never responded. You would message me at least once every month just too hopefully receive a response in return. But you never did. We went about our lives separate, only a city apart. I moved schools the middle of my sophomore year of high school. I remember the moment I laid my eyes on you. You were walking towards your next 3rd period class straight towards the band hall, and I going the opposite way. You walked with confidence and that smile that you gave off with light and happiness and everything good in this world, it was there, in your smile. You looked at me and gosh I remember feeling so small like if my life was going to change in that one very moment. You looked at me and I’ll never regret looking up. You had my heart in as little as a glare. But that was it. I stayed away because you were so perfect my heart couldn’t take it. A week later I couldn’t help but ask a girl for your name. Little did I know, she was your bestfriend Funny how the world works, right? Diego, your name was Diego… and it sounded so right. Later that week I was on my way into the orchestra room when I looked to my left only to find you already looking at me, it was so awkward but you smiled and waved at me. I just made my way to the door. I couldn’t understand why you kept popping up in my mind , but later that day you found me online and welcomed me with an invitation to sit with you in the kazebo during our lunch period. The next day I was full of butterflies because you were so perfect and I was just the new girl. I gathered all my guts to go, but in the end I didn’t. You messaged me like 20 times just ask where I was until you literally had to come get me from across the school and drag me to go sit with you. By the time we got there lunch was over and it was just me and you. Kind of weird right? You took me to class and that was the end. The next few days were a routine you’d get me for lunch take me then send me off to class. Everyone warned me about you. I never listened because the signs were all there. I started to back away from you when you tried to hold my hand or kiss me or even touch me, I couldn’t handle that or anything about that, attachment has never been my thing an d knew I was in trouble. After 3 weeks we drifted because I didn’t want you around me anymore. I let you believe that you were the one letting me off easy but no, I’m so sorry for leaving. Months passed and I found a new lover a new way to spend my time. But I always had eyes for you. You were the one I couldn’t have, id gaze at you from across the distance every time you’d look at me my heart would warm up my eyes would water because I knew.. I just knew… it was you. Summer band started on July 31st. it had been almost 2 months since id seen you. But on that day… I couldn’t help but look for you. Hoping id just see you. But you were late. You were 6 rows, 4 people away from me. Every morning. God I was so head over heels for you. But I stayed away because I knew you were bad for me. That smile was bad for me you were so amazing you are so amazing. The school year started and id see you every day and we’d march those Friday night lights together. I still remember when the formation was me in the middle of you and your trumpet section oh my god it was so embarrassing!  In November I was sitting outside the color guard room when you pulled up a chair and sat down right next to me. We talked for almost an entire hour and then you kissed me. We literally spent 2 weeks going to same place just to talk and make out. But I stopped showing up. When I had kissed you for the first time your braces got in the way, it sucked. Your lips were dry and being with you there in that moment way everything to me. I would tell you all these dumb stories, my hoped and dreams. We drifted again… but March came around and it was like we never stopped talking. You’d had only messaged me because your parents found out were smoking again and you only had your laptop to message and guess who’s always on Facebook, that’s right me. We’d skype every night and just talk for hours about how we felt and everything that was going through our heads, I told you I was incapable of love and we made a bet, whoever fell in love with the other, looses. But I was never in love with you. I only enjoyed you. You would tell me every night, that when you got your phone back you’d stop talking to me because I was a priority. I remember one night I had an exam at 8am and we stayed up till 4am just talking. The next morning you told me to get there early because you had a surprise for me. I got there and there you were, but I just walked by you as if I didn’t see you. I waited for you to come to me. You sat down next to me and gave me a packet of my favorite chocolates, Hershey cookies and crème. Little did we know your ex-girlfriend was sitting right next to us? The next day I had heard a rumor, someone saying that you were just going to use me, I had told you because I was mad and wasn’t going to deal with this if it were true. You were so mad that you literally confronted the female and told them to keep my name out of their mouths, that if they had a problem with you just to talk about you, but to keep me out of it. After a week I had signed up for a pageant and I needed an escort to walk me up and down the stage you’d ask me about it almost every night but my answer was always the same “ I don’t know I’ll just ask a random guy”  until one night you literally gave off all these hits that you wanted to be my escort but I still said “ I don’t know I’ll just find someone”  you looked pretty bummed out about it. Until the next day I asked you if you wanted to be my escort. You were so happy! It was hilarious. You didn’t care that you didn’t have a talent or that you’d embarrass yourself in front of everyone, you just cared about being MY escort. The day of the pageant you looked so handsome my heart was melting My tummy was full of butterflies because the boy I was head over heels for the boy who messaged me 20 times 3 years ago, the boy who made me smile the boy who caught my eye every time he walked by… was there walking me across a stage just me and him. I remember there weren’t enough guys to walk all the girls so you literally did math, you hate math. You ran all the way to the other side of the stage just to make sure you were the one to walk me, and no one else. The talent portion came around and you brought out the trumpet and embarrassed yourself in front of everyone just to be there with me. You cannot tell me that you didn’t have feelings for me because believe me the way you looked at me, the way you stood there for an extra 5 seconds to see me walk down the stage.. That was feelings. I lost the pageant but that was okay because you made it worth it. After the pageant we both had to attend the band banquet… We went as if we were going together, we sat together and we stayed together, what a coincidence that we even ended up matching. White tops khaki heels with your khaki pants gold purse with your gold Rolex. I watched you as you received your final band reward after four years. I watch you as you got emotional but never shed a tear, because Diego doesn’t cry. Everyone looked at us like “wow they’re together” because let’s be honest we make a pretty hot couple. It was a chili night… I was wearing a white pure white dress and you walked me out and asked me to stay and wait there for you The stars were out and the night was beautiful. So I stood there in a crowd of the people I would once never see again. I waited for you as you walked to your car to come get me. I remember looking up at the sky, my dress was flowing in the wind and everything was perfect. You drove up in a red car I can’t remember the name but I remember it was a cherry red car extremely sexy honestly. I didn’t know it was you until you had to roll the window down and let me know that you weren’t just a stranger trying to pick me up. When I opened your car door it smelled like a new car scent.. it was cold and dark… the blue radio was illuminating the darkness like a sign saying “yes this is right “I got in and you held my hand like if you never wanted to let me go… you asked me where I wanted to go and didn’t care I just didn’t want to leave you I wanted to stay there in that moment I wanted to stay I didn’t care about where we were going I just wanted you. Since you knew I didn’t want to go home you drove me into an ally and we sat there talking for a good 20 minutes until you kissed me and things got heated. You turned the car off but made sure the AC and music were still on the windows got foggy because of the cold car and the humidity from the outside.  I sat there on top of you, clothes on and we smiled and laughed and we kissed and everything was perfect you made all these jokes and you’d kiss me and hold me and I never wanted you to let me go. We looked at the time and it was 11pm on a school night and I had to get home. You drove me home, when I got out the car you looked at me with those eyes with that smile with that perfect detailed smile that I can’t ever forget and you said “ man you’re beautiful, damn “ not the best choice of words but I replied with “ shut up” and walked away. And you drove off. I needed a moment to gather myself before I walked into my house because I was so emotional I was so happy. You called me as soon as you got home and we talked about how we felt but we never really talked about how WE felt. So we ignored the topic and talked about different things. You asked me to prom and I said no because I was the one working on it for junior class council. The day of prom I got the prettiest dress nothing fancy nothing ugly just right, something that I knew would make heads turn. I got to prom at 5pm just to set up decoration, you got there at 8 I didn’t see you because I was talking to people about the schedule but when I turned around with my hair curled, I saw you and you saw me and we ignored each other. I noticed you didn’t have a date so I wasn’t bothered. I had ticket sales from 8-9 so I really didn’t get to see you the first hour but you went to the front door where I was at like if you were waiting for someone you kept trying to smile at me and catch my attention but since I was under the impression that you were waiting for another girl I didn’t bother to even give you the time of day. Until a guy walked in and you used his name as your second ticket. It was such a relief then I smiled at you. The entire night you danced with different girls, you just danced because well you love to dance, I danced too but only what I knew how to dance. It was around 11pm and you came up to and asked to dance to that despacito song. I was so embarrassed because I have no rhythm and I cannot dance at all! So we stood there you trying to get me to dance and I kept saying” I’m sorry I can’t dance I don’t know how to” so you walked me back to my table and said “it’s okay at least you tried.” God that was so embarrassing. So I watched you dance with other girls. It was almost midnight and prom was almost over and we still hasn’t danced together. You were dancing with a girl I knew you had a crush on for the longest time but she never cared. But you pushed her away when song “I don’t dance” by lee Brice came on and you hurried your way to me, took my hand, and pulled me to the dance floor. You put my hands around your neck and you put yours around my waist. You looked at me and smiled with that smile, that perfect smile that gets me every single time. You tried to make small talk but I was red and we were dancing and you said I looked beautiful and you were there with me. My heart was so happy I couldn’t look at you because I knew I would fall in love. My prink dress was silk and the way we moved side to side made the sparkles glow. You had said “I thought you said you don’t dance?” and of course with my snarky comeback I said “well not with you.” And you laughed because you just loved when I was mean. I remember looking into your eyes when the part “I’d do anything with you anywhere” came on and there I was, I was hooked on you. Afraid to love you. But I was hooked. It was as if the entire crowd was looking at us, everyone sitting down was looking at me and you. As if we gave off the amazing light together. The song was over and you twirled me around and sat me down. I wanted to tell you after that night that you were everything to me. That it was you. And I only wanted it to be you. Because you had told me you weren’t going to show up to school until Friday’s graduation rehearsal. But I didn’t tell you. I was too scared to say anything because I’m scared to love. The next day I went to school and every single teacher, every student that was there that night told me “ we saw you dancing all romantic with that boy last night “  and I knew it, I knew everyone was watching because it me and you and the  moment was perfect and the world works in mysterious ways. The next few days you showed up just to spend time with me, during lunch, after school, during the day, before school. Just to see me.  Graduation was around the corner and I was still only a junior. You wanted to spend a whole day with me before you graduated… so on Thursday, the 18th of May, I skipped school and went to your house at 8am, we had talked about it the night before you had said you always had girls over and it was normal so your sister wouldn’t say anything so it made me feel like whatever.. But when I drove up towards your house there you were in pajamas waiting for me. What happened to “it doesn’t really matter “? We walked into your room and you admitted that you woke up at 6am excited and waiting for me but you had pretended that you weren’t awake just to act cool. We laid down and you brought out a blanket just for me because I was freezing. We started fighting over what movie to watch so we put on forest Gump because it’s a classic. You told me you didn’t like to have sex with virgins because you had morals. But I lost my virginity to you that morning I lost it with giggles and jokes and movie quotes. It was perfect. After we had just sat there on your bed talking and laughing and it was perfect. You had really messed up that morning when you asked me if you could have my extra condom because you were going to the beach with your friends and you were going to need it. I was so mad. I put my clothes back on and I was going to leave. But you stood in front of me and tried to calm me then you put on this mix that you put together on YouTube called “ the feels “ so I sat there with you and we made out and talked for another hour until It was time for me to leave. So before I opened your room door you said “so what about that condom” I just walked out. I didn’t look at you I left. I was so hurt. I was so mad. When I got home… I cried I screamed because I gave you my world. You didn’t text me at all that day… you just fucked me and disappeared. I was destroyed... I took pills so sleep because I couldn’t handle thinking. I woke up at 11pm with messages from you, you wanted to skype I was mad so I blew you off but you knew something was wrong so you annoyed me until I replied. We skyped and I told you how I felt and of course you used the “I went out with my friend I was having a great day until you got mad “you made me feel guilty. But it was your fault. You took the most important thing to me. After that day we got closer emotionally but our routine was the same. We’d talk every night. You graduated that Saturday of that week and I got you your favorite cereal and flowers… On June 15 I skipped class and went to your house... on June 15th I got pregnant. We checked the condom and it wasn’t torn but we hadn’t checked the 1st one... we stopped in the middle because we both felt weird about something. On June 15th my entire world changed. Before I had left your house I had told you that I was going to take the plan B pill but the next day I was alone. You didn’t text me you didn’t call me... I took that pill alone... I was all alone. You left me alone. You hadn’t talked me for a week after we fucked and I was going through hell that entire week. Until the following Monday you messaged me and told me you broke your phone... I cried... I was crying so much… I told you that you left me alone and you said I should have tried harder to talk to you. But I shouldn’t have to look for someone who’s supposed to be there for me. I told you I missed my period. On June 29th I confirmed that I was pregnant. And you begged me to get rid of the baby. You cried. It was the first time I and every seen you cry. I didn’t want to ruin you... I didn’t want to ruin your life... But you weren’t there... You weren’t there for me when I took the pill... You weren’t there when I took my pregnancy test... You weren’t there that night that I told you. But I didn’t want to ruin your life. I put your happiness before mine. You asked me to get rid of MY baby. That baby was MY world. In as little as 2 days... that baby became my everything. But I did it... I did it for you… I’m 16 and I did it for you because your Diego and you had that smile and I could not live with never seeing that smile again I couldn’t live with being the reason of your bitterness. So I got rid of my baby... for you… the day I got it you didn’t talk to me that night... you only texted me.. You told me you loved me… guess who lost… you did... because I’m incapable of love. The only love I was ready for, you made me get rid of. For you. I never believed that “I love you” you told me that night. The next day was july4th and I went to a festival just to see you but you only spared 10 minute of your time to talk to me... I left... I left broken. YOU RUINED ME. That night you went to a party… and I was there in my room crying because I lost my baby because of a lying boy. I was supposed to see you this last Thursday… but you said no... So I blew up… I told you that you ruined my fucking life, that you fucking ruined me, you took away my happiness and because of you I hate myself and because of you I can’t look at myself I can’t eat I can’t sleep you lied. I thought I was incapable of love but I was so in love with you and you fucking ruined me and I’ll always hate you. But here I am writing our love story in the middle of the day crying because even if I hated you... I’d still give you my entire world because I’ll always love you Diego. Ill always never regret looking up at you that day at school and seeing that smile that changed my world. I’m turning 17 in 3 days and all I need is you.