#i’m just so youtubed out and i can’t watch new stuff while im cleaning and ive watched my favorite shows soooo many times and played so much

[aturnoftheearth]

i’m reaching truly abysmal lows in media to absorb while i clean <- resorting to watching my own amvs

[1010ll]

do you have any new recipes that you've learned recently? i remember you wrote something a while ago about carbonara and i tried it out for myself it was really fun!!

i love this 😭 im gonna write way too much idec! something that has changed since that post: my kitchen is worse. i have a horrible combi oven which has resulted in me accidentally eating raw chicken, because it had been in there for more than 2 hours at supposedly 230 °C and i was really hungry and thought it HAD to be done by then. also i have less time and less money lol. it has made me a bit sad, and less motivated to cook nice things but i also love food! which means these tips/recipes are gonna reflect that and might seem a bit dull but probably also relatable for a lot of people.   i’ve definitely made spaghetti carbonara a bit too much because it’s simple and require few ingredients! will still vouch for that one tip about substituting the bacon with roasted veggies and other types of meat.

last week i made risotto for the very first time, i think? which means i might be assuming a bit too much, but i think it’s a great dish that you can almost make with whatever you have in your fridge. i made it with roasted beetroot(needs A LOT of time to soften, lesson learned), carrots and parsley root or parsnip(idk the difference), dried rosemary and thyme, garlic and onion. i had some leftover sushi rice, which is great for risotto apparently(love versatile ingredients), roasted them in some oil and then added white wine and chicken stock and actually added a leftover parmesan rind i had in the fridge to give the ‘stock’ some flavour, a bit of nutmeg and then in the end some shredded gouda lol… it was surprisingly delicious and i didn’t even really care to cook the rice perfectly. it also tasted delicious 3 days later, which was a nice surprise. i bet there are tons of risotto recipes online, but as long as you have rice, some kind of flavoured water, i guess you could kind of add whatever you want of veggies and top with whatever herb you have around.

another type of porridge i consume a lot these days is hot oat porridge, which i’ve eaten since i was little and it was the first ‘dish’ i learnt to make myself and it’s cheap. some people really dislike the consistency and look but i don’t. it’s also very easy to customise. i put in whatever nuts and seeds(which are often cheaper than nuts) i have around: flaxseed, sesame seeds, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, chopped almonds and sometimes a dollop of peanut butter. i let them simmer along with the oats. i like adding those elements because it gives it some texture and it keeps me more full throughout the day. it’s very important to me because i hate spending money i don’t have on fast-food when i’m not home and i hate being hungry. dried raisins, cranberries for a bit of sweetness and if i’m treating myself i’ll add some fresh apples cut into small pieces or some homemade berry compote(i use frozen) or brown sugar. if i had more money i’d use maple syrup but i don’t at the moment. i also add a bit of cinnamon and cardamom, dried ginger etc, whatever you feel like. some people also add milk afterwards but i’d rather spend my milk on my coffee.

a small tip: making chili flake / garlic oil. it’s really delicious, you could put it straight on pasta with some parmesan and pepper and it would be a filling meal. either chop the garlic really fine, grate it, microplane it, smash it to pieces. heat some olive oil until it’s quite hot, then remove from heat and add the chili flakes and garlic. if the oil isn’t hot enough you can just put the pan or pot back on the heat but be careful you don’t burn the chili flakes or garlic, as it will make it bitter. the longer it will toast, the less pronounced the raw garlic flavour will be, so when it smells toasted enough for your taste, take it off. i store it in a tiny glass jar and add it in stews, sauces, toasts, pizza, sandwiches etc. the flavour is very strong imo and everything it touches will smell like it. something to drink: i like strong foods and i like sour foods, which is why i like lemon/ginger based drinks. to make it even more winter friendly and easy to make, i like to grate unpeeled ginger(i hate slices of ginger, they do nothing for me and seems like a waste of ginger), lemon zest, lemon juice and mix it or blend it with some water/apple juice and honey and strain it afterwards. if you have a really nice blender you can just add all of it together with some ice. i’m basically making a large amount of ginger shot mixture. then when i feel like it, i can take some of the mixture and either drink it as it is, add more apple juice if i need a refreshing beverage or add hot water and more honey for when im cold. you could also add turmeric, chili, use less sweetener and other sorts of healthy stuff but i honestly do it for the taste so i don’t care about that that much.

something sweet: i posted earlier about cakes and someone mentioned swedish kladdkaka, which is a super delicious, cheap, brownie-like chocolate cake that is easily customized and hard to fuck up which is why i’ve made it since i was very young and is a go-to and i didn’t even know it was a swedish thing. if you like airy, light cakes this is not for your. this is sticky, sweet and almost like confection. you can add nuts, swirls of peanutbutter, tahini, actual pieces of chocolate, replace the white sugar with brown sugar, the butter with oil(you can be fancy and use a bit of olive oil) or use a mixture, brown the butter, you name it. the recipe i use is this: melt 100 g butter and let cool. mix 2 eggs + 3 dl sugar in a bowl until fluffy in one bowl. mix 1.5 dl flour, 4 tbs cocoa, 1 pinch of salt in another. mix the dry with the wet mixture and add the cooled, melted butter. this is the point where you’d add chopped nuts, chocolate etc. pour the batter into a cake tin lined with parchment (i use one that is 16 cm in diameters i think). bake the cake for around 30 mins at 150°C - 175°C degrees. check on the cake using a cake tester or a a knife. if the knife is clean after … stabbing it, it’s done! the cake will change it’s texture after cooling. this is a cheap cake, and if you like cake dough you might want to give it less time in the oven for a more fudgey texture. make it your own! there are no rules. last time i made this, i left it in for too long in my opinion but it was still delicious. also i literally have a shit oven with a round oven rack that goes in circles no matter what due to the microwave function, and the only ‘mixing’ equipment i have is a whisk and a spatula. no need for kitchen aids or  even electrical hand mixers.

something else i’ve been eating a lot for lunch is simple open faced sandwiches, and something that can really elevate those is: making your own mayonnaise(and toasting the bread). it can be challenging, but it’s really worth it imo and i can’t remember the last time i bought it in a store. i have a small plastic bowl, whisk and 1 egg yolk. something i can really recommend is buying pour snouts for bottles. i transfer my oils from their plastic bottles to smaller, old soda bottles because im cheesy like that and it’s really handy especially when making mayo. constantly whisking the egg yolk by hand and then adding the NEUTRAL oil ever so slowly. don’t be fancy and use cold pressed stuff or extra virgin olive oil because it will taste weird. i only ever fail when i try to use immersion blenders for some weird reason but i find it rewarding to do by hand anyways and i think it might be easier to make smaller portions that way. mayo needs acid and you can get it by adding regular vinegar, apple cider vinegar, balsamic vinegar, lemon juice, lime juice, pickle juice, citric acid dissolved in water etc. it’s really easy to customise! when im making banh mi, i add some sesame oil, soy sauce for saltiness and use lime as the acidic element. for more regular use i add a bit of mustard(also helps with the emulsion), for fries, i like adding some fresh garlic. something as simple as mayo, tomatoes, flaky salt and pepper topped with chives is really nice. i also really like using slices of boiled potatoes or boiled eggs(idk if that’s only a thing where i’m from), mayo and the chili garlic oil. it’s also great for making tuna salad. yesterday i made a really simple sandwich with a very simple tuna salad(tuna, mayo, yoghurt, lemon and pepper), arugula, basil, the garlic/chili oil, cream cheese, pickled jalapeños and onions, green peber, cucumber and tomatoes. you could leave out everything but the tuna salad and it would still be a great little meal.

another nice condiment that beats the supermarket stuff by far is homemade ‘pesto’. when i buy parsley from my local grocery store, it’s a gigantic amount that i in no way can consume in a week. first of all when buying fresh herbs i really recommend washing them, wrapping them in a damp towel and keeping them in a closed container. it will prolong their lifetime from lasting a day to a week(change the towel if it seems too wet). i once had some cilantro in my fridge for several weeks and still be fresh. anyways, when i buy that much parsley, i like to remove the tougher parts of the stem(which i use in stews/sauces! chop it up and sautee it along with garlic and onion), add literally just olive oil, water, pepper, garlic, and a bit of acid and then blend away! it keeps for a long time in the fridge and is also delicious beneath tomatoes/potatoes/cheese on open-faced sandwiches. if you want to be fancy you can of course add some type of hard cheese, nuts, seeds, dried tomatoes, whatever.

i know this is the longest text post ever, but as a last reminder, i really recommend watching pasta grannies on youtube. really simple recipes with focus on few, good ingredients that just takes some time and love.

[sunflowerhoney]

Can you answer all of the soft questions please darling? 🥰😘

-🍓

Of course sweetheart! 🥰 Thank you so much for sending this! <3 (and sorry that it took me a bit to answer them all!!) 

1. your favourite playlist (made by yourself or someone else)

a very cute playlist that @strawbabie-honey made for me 😊

2. how many houseplants in your room, and what kinds are they?

In my room none because my one cat tries to eat everything 😅but I have two succulents in the one window in my apartment that he can’t reach 

3. your favourite “grounding” activity (anything that involves using the hands/doesn’t involve “spacing out” or escapism - something like gardening, knitting, dancing, cooking)

Coloring!

4. an account on social media whose posts make you smile

all of you guys on here!! Ily <3

5. 5 tv shows that cheer you up

Ratched (especially the Mildolyn scenes lol), The Office, That 70s Show, Adventure Time, Firefly

6. how you get relaxed when you’re struggling to sleep

Usually I either watch Tiktoks/scroll on my phone or I close my eyes and daydream until I fall asleep haha

7. your favourite board game

Ticket to Ride 

8. if you were going to write a non-fiction book on any topic, what would it be?

Maybe something true crime related? I’ve spent a lot of time watching true crime shows lol

9. a quote that you would consider getting tattooed or putting in a frame

“Get out from your house, from your cave, from your car. Get out from the place you feel safe, from the place that you are. Get out and go running, go funning, go wild. Get out from your head, get growing, dear child.” 

If I was getting a tattoo I would probably only want the last line but I would frame the whole thing :o 

10. something you’ve created in the last year that you’re proud of (a playlist, a piece of art, some writing, a craft hobby, a social media account, etc)

Honestly this blog! I’ve really pushed myself to be more social on this blog than I have been on previous ones I’ve had and I’ve met a lot of amazing people because of it! 😊

11. a tip or hack you’ve learned that makes cleaning or tidying easier

Rolling shirts up when you put them in a drawer instead of folding them, it makes it easier to see them and stuff doesn’t get lost at the bottom of the pile :) 

12. if you could make a candle that smelt like anything, what would you pick?

Bookstores!

13. the last so-bad-it’s-good joke you heard

I’ve been trying to think about this one for a while but I’m honestly not sure :o

14. an artist (of any kind) whose work you look forward to seeing

these days I look forward to anything with Sarah Paulson in it tbh 😅

15. the last tv episode that made you laugh out loud

I honestly haven’t watched much TV in a while (other than watching AHS on Netflix) 

16. how you wake your body up when it’s feeling tired, achy or needs a stretch

I like to stretch my back, like side to side and crack my neck. When I’m tired I like to get up and walk around/listen to music

17. a bath, shower, beauty or toiletry product that makes you feel revived, or that you always re-order when it’s running out

I haven’t had it in a while but I used to have a face jelly thing from Lush that I loved :o ( and now I want it again lol), also even though I don’t take baths that often I love bath bombs 

18. a book series you can always escape in

Percy Jackson because nostalgia lol

19. the sport or exercise you enjoy the most, and what’s helped you get better at it

Softball! I played from like 3rd grade until almost the end of high school. What helped me get better was mostly just practicing and not giving up! :) 

20. a skill you’ve picked up in the past few years

Being able to get rid of things, I used to keep sooo much stuff when I was a kid (like every ticket, every pamphlet, every essay lol) and I’ve gotten better about knowing whats worth keeping/what I can let go of

21. a youtube video you find useful, entertaining or relaxing

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuCn8ux2gbs this video is entertaining and informational and I can’t even imagine how long it took the person who made it to put it all together!

22. if you were going to dye your hair any colour of the rainbow, what would you choose?

Pink! or dark purple! 

23. the book you just finished and what you thought (no spoilers!)

A Clash of Kings, it was really, really good but really, really long. I also made the mistake of watching Game of Thrones before reading the books and I feel like its kind of tainted them for me lol

24. describe the most wacky, weird and wonderful at-home outfit you’ve put together

When I was in high school my best friend and I used to dress up in random outfits from her closet, go to the lake near her house and have “photoshoots” lmao i remember wearing a sweater, shorts with black tights underneath and boots and thinking i was the coolest person in the world 😂

25. a game you’re playing that takes your mind off things

Animal Crossing, I restarted my island after ages of not playing recently

26. the film you watched most recently that you could watch again and again

Blue Jay!

27. your favourite flavour and brand of tea

My favorite flavor is raspberry! but im not sure if I have a favorite brand :o

28. a good-will story you’ve heard on the news that’s made you feel hopeful

Any story about people helping animals makes me 🥺

29. a favourite easy recipe: 5 ingredients or less, or takes less than 30 min to make

Edible Cookie Dough :o its basically just mixing cookie dough ingredients minus the eggs but its so good! 

30. a song that makes you want to have a boogie round your bedroom

Electric Love!

[btssavedmylifeblr]

hi bae. this might be a depressing thing to answer so feel free to ignore. (1/2) ive been into kpop for years now. i comforted myself with idols and their songs. sometimes, because of the overwhelming loneliness in my life, i had dreamed about them. I know I'm just a fan and I'm fine with that. but just to comfort myself, I thought them as my friends and sometimes people I flirt with... but the more I rely on them the more I realized how pathetic I am.

(2/2) irl nobody would love me. I'm ugly, fat, good for nothing ; a loser. I don't even deserve to enjoy their music yet alone being friends with them - even if it's imaginary - I hate myself. "why im like this" this question hunts me everyday. I was seeing a therapist and it was helping but I guess since I spend more time in my head these thoughts came back. I feel so worthless. I wish someone would love me. But why would they? im no special,im nothing. im sorry if i made you uncomfortable.

——-

Apologies for being slow to respond! I’m not uncomfortable, just was in the middle of an upload when this came in.

So I’ve struggled with mild depression on/off most of my adult life. I’ve never been suicidal and I’ve never been medicated but there is a sea of sadness and self-loathing beneath me that is always ready to drag me down when I am at my weakest. So I recognize what I call “depression brain” in this ask.

I’m not a therapist, but for me, depression brain is a toxic combination of telling myself there is something wrong with me, then trying to use my sad depression brain to figure out what is wrong with me, failing to figure to out what is wrong and blaming myself again and the cycle repeats. Depression brain wants to think its way out of depression, but it cant, because depression is not logical, it’s physical.

Here are things that have helped me climb my way back out: therapy, exercise, sunshine, journaling, creative writing, making art, music, talking with friends about stuff I love, healthy food, hydration, sex/masturbation, massage, leaving the house, having a regular sleep schedule, helping other people

Things that make me feel worse: social media, television, junk food, staying inside all day, waiting to feel better, waiting for motivation, waiting for someone else to save me/love me/fix me, not sleeping enough / sleeping at weird times, trying to think through my problems without talking to someone else, telling myself that I am unique in my suffering and no one else has ever felt this way

Notice how all of things that make me feel better are things that make me physically feel better? None of them are magic thoughts that I can think and feel better. But all of the negative things are mental traps that the depression brain lays for me.

How does kpop fit into this for me? My blog is titled BTS saved my life because four years ago I hit a bad stretch of depression and BTS helped me in wide variety of ways. Their music made me happy and kept me company on walks, while exercising, and while doing other productive things that I didn’t feel like doing, like cleaning. Fangirling over them reconnected me with old friends and helped me make new friends with a shared interest, something I had been unable to do as an adult up until then. Writing about them gave me a creative outlet that was both fun and productive and helped me feel like I was bringing joy to other people. Seeing their struggles with a lot of the same issues I was going through and how they expressed those struggles in their music helped me feel like I wasn’t walking this path alone.

But kpop can just as easily be path into the sea of depression. If you are constantly comparing yourself to idols and finding yourself lacking. Or if you get tied up in angry fanwars / drama that make us all feel ineffectual. Or if you try to get the internet to validate you / give you attention because it will never be enough. Or if you’re spending all your time sitting still in front of a screen to absorb their content. So you need to have a critical eye on the ways you use kpop in your life and prioritize those ways that make you feel better and ditch the ways that make you feel worse, even if they seem enjoyable in the moment.

One last note:

People will love you. I’m sure people already do love you and your depression brain is preventing you from seeing it. I have many wonderful people who love me very much in my life, but when I am underwater with my depression, I tell myself that they dont care about me or that I am bothering them and I can’t see how much they love me. Having people who love you is not enough though, you have to love and take care of yourself.

PS. This video on Youtube is one of the best explanations of depression that I have ever found (its only six minutes, go watch it). Also provides a good explanation for why quarantine is making everyone depressed.

Now listen to some BTS and go for a walk. It won’t fix everything. But it may help a little.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Has anybody ever stole your happy? More like life stuff and health issues did. And depression is a real bitch.

What does your Facebook/Myspace status say? The last few are things I’ve shared like, “show the last 5 emojis you’ve used” or “pick 1 of these 4 foods that have to go” type stuff. 

Have you ever played games with someones head? I don’t think so. I’ve had people play games with mine.

Have you changed throughout the years? Yes. A lot changed these past 6 years and not in a good way. And also a lot hasn’t changed that really needs to.

Are you doing anything important tomorrow? No.

What are you wearing right now? I’m wearing leggings and a long-sleeve shirt.

What do you currently hear right now? I’m watching Teen Mom OG. Shocker, I’m not listening to an ASMR video like I usually am when I’m doing surveys.

Do you get creeped out from people who have lazy eyes? No? 

Do you need to forget about someone right now? No.

Do you answer blocked calls on your phone? I don’t answer calls from unknown numbers.

What color is your cellphone? Gold.

How much money do you have on you right now? I don’t have any on me.

What type of survey do you refuse to take? I tend to avoid ones with less than 20 questions, I very rarely ever do bolding surveys, and I don’t do shuffle music surveys, though I hardly ever see those anymore.

Are you a good speller? I think so.

What is your favorite song of the moment? I don’t have a particular current favorite. I haven’t been listening to music, lately. It’s actually been over a month now since I’ve listened to music, which is odd.

When was the last time you ate ice cream? It’s been a few years.

What are you eatting right now? I’m not eating anything right now, but I need to soon.

What do you currently smell? I don’t smell anything at the moment.

Have you ever snuck out of the house? Nope. 

Do you like to run? No.

Do you think you could run the mile in 10 minutes? Absolutely not. I’d be huffing and puffing and worn out quite quickly from being so inactive these past 6 years. Let’s be real, I wouldn’t even attempt it at all. I don’t have the energy for that.

Where do you plan on going this summer? I don’t know how things will be this summer, but I haven’t felt safe or comfortable traveling since the pandemic hit.

I won't take a survey if it isnt more than _____ questions. It’s gotta be at least 20 questions. 

One thing that can make you smile no matter what. My doggo.

What is something special about your town? My town sucks, ha.

How many surveys a day do you take? Usually, like 5 or so at least. Some days more, some days less.

Do you think people should make more surveys? I hope people keep making them and I’ll keep taking them.

What were you doing before this survey? Another survey while watching Ghosted.

When was the last time you logged onto Facebook/Myspace? I stay logged in, but I last checked my Facebook like 20 minutes ago.

What are you craving right now? Wingstop.

I am gonna get something to drink, do you need anything? I have my coffee, but thanks.

What was the longest movie you watched? A little over 3 hours.

Do you really think the world will end in 2012? Welp, we’re still here in 2021.

When cheese gets his picture taken what does he say? HAHA That was cheeeeesy.

Have you ever been to a job interview? No.

Do you wear a lot of makeup? I haven’t worn any makeup in a little over 3 years now.

Do you love soft pretzels? Yeah. It’s been years since I’ve had one, though.

Do you use IM anymore? Just Facebook Messenger now and then.

Who was the last person to call you? My mom.

Tell me about the last movie you watched. It was that Disney movie, Soul. 

Have you ever played 21 questions? Yeah.

When was the last time you talked to your last ex boyfriend? Like 6 years ago. 

Is your dog mixed or full? She’s a German Shepherd and Lab mix.

Do you like kool-aid? If so, what's your favorite flavor? I loved it as a kid. I haven’t had it since then.

When was the last time you sent a letter through the mail? Several years ago.

Do you know anybody in prison right now? Yes.

What was the last thing you and your mother did together? We caught up on some of the shows we watch together.

Are you attending any parties this weekend? No.

What are your plans for the weekend anyway? Same stuff I do everyday.

Do you take good pictures? Ew, no.

Am I your friend on Bzoink? I don’t have a Bzoink account.

Do you add people for their surveys or for friendship? This is my survey blog so I follow other survey blogs.

What is your display picture on myspace/facebook right now? Same one I have on here.

What is going on outside right now? I don’t know.

Do you miss anybody right now? I’ll always miss my loved ones who have passed away.

Who was the last person you kissed? Joseph, like 8 years ago.

Will you have sex tonight? No.

What color looks the best on you? I don’t feel I look good in anything, but I feel most comfortable in black.

Have you ever bought the wrong size because you were too lazy to check it? No.

What was the last thing you bought over 5 dollars? Takeout out the other day.

Do you have any mag subscriptions? No.

Do you know anybody who is going to the marines this year or next? No.

Have you watched Dear John? I’ve seen parts of it.

I can't leave my house without _____ My phone, wallet, mask, and hand sanitizer.

What is something you're not scared of but a lot of people are? I feel like I’m scared of a lot of things so I don’t know.

Would you ever have a threesome? No.

How far have you gone? I’m a virgin.

Are you an U.S citizen? I am.

How old will you be in 2012? I turned 23 in 2012.

Do you think you'll be married someday? I don’t see that happening.

Do you have any candles lit right now? No, I don’t have any candles. I’m not a candle person.

When was the last time your parents ordered pizza? We had pizza last week.

Do you loooove chicken alfredo as much as I do? I don’t care for it, personally.

What color computer do you wish you had? I like mine.

How many inches is your screen? It’s 13 inches.

Do you have any step siblings? No.

If so, how many? -

Do they annoy you? -

What color camera do you have? I just use my phone, which is a gold iPhone 12 Pro Max.

How many times a day do you talk to your mom on the phone? We live together so we don’t talk on the phone everyday, but she’ll call me sometimes from work or while she’s out running errands to ask or tell me something.

Who is somebody you haven't seen in a long time? A lot of my extended family. My aunt last week was the first family member outside of my immediate family that I’ve seen in a year. What are your school colors? I’m done with school.

What did you wear yesterday? My usual attire of leggings and a graphic tee.

What color straightner do you have? I don’t have a straightener anymore. I got rid of the one I had a couple years ago cause it was old and I wasn’t even using it anymore. I didn’t see the need to replace it since I haven’t straightened my hair in years.

How many times a day do you brush your grill? At least once.

Who was the last person to IM you? I think it was my aunt on Facebook Messenger.

Is your closet organized? It is. My aunt helped me do that last week. She helped me clean up and reorganize my room. I really can’t even say helped cause she did literally everything. 

Do you need to clean anything in your house right now? Nope.

What should you be doing? I don’t have anything I should be doing, I’m doing what I want to do. 

What would you rather be doing? I’m perfectly content with this. I just finished eating dinner and I’m feeling full and sleepy.

Do you listen to music really loud or really low? I listen to it at a reasonable level. I wanna hear it obviously, but I don’t need it blasting.

Do you live with anybody other than your siblings and your parents? My doggo as well.

Who was your last crush? Ty.

How many tattoos do you have? Zero.

What is the weather like down around where you live? It’s currently 54F.

What is your favorite thing to do? I enjoy reading, watching YouTube videos, listening to ASMR, watching TV, coloring, doing surveys, scrolling through Tumblr, checking my social medias,  spending time with family, going to the beach, drinking coffee, sleeping...

How many pets do you own? I have one doggo. 

Are you close with your parents? I am. My mom, especially. She’s my best friend.

What is your favorite song? I have a lot of favorites.

Where do you shop the most for your clothes? Boxlunch and Hot Topic.

Have you ever read a whole series of books? Yeah, I’ve read many series.

When you tell someone you love them do you mean it? Absolutely. I don’t say those words loosely or a lot, but if I say it, I mean it.

Do you have a guy best friend? No.

Are you going to walk at your graduation or just pick your diploma up? I participated in all of my graduations.

Do you think the Tiger Wood's cheating thing is annoying? That’s super old news.

What is your favorite food? Wingstop’s garlic parm and lemon pepper boneless wings, ramen, spaghetti and meatballs, breakfast burritos or sandwiches, and biscuits and scrambled eggs smothered in country gravy with hash browns.

Do you ever eat anything everybody else thinks is gross? Probably my scrambled eggs and ranch combo.

How many tattoos do you have? Zero.

What did you do for your last birthday? Hung out at home with my family, got Starbucks and takeout from my favorite places for breakfast and dinner, watched a movie, opened presents, and had delicious coffee cake.

What do you plan on doing for your 18th birthday? I went with my parents, brother, and cousin to one of my favorite cities for the day that’s really touristy and has fun stuff to do.

Are you excited for anything coming up? No.

Do you still have the same friends as you did when you were younger? I don’t have any friends anymore.

Is there a friend you never get to see anymore? --

Do you have to type with good grammer? Yeah, using proper grammar is important to me.

Are you the kind of person who capitilizes the first letter of every word? Nooo. I don’t like that. Or when people type in all lowercase or a mix of the two. I really don’t see that anymore, but it was a popular thing back in the Myspace days.

What is your favorite quote? There’s many.

Are you allowed to cuss in front of your parents? I’m 31 years old so I certainly could, but I choose not to. *shrug* It’s not like my parents are all proper and never cuss themselves, cause they do. My mom loves her f-bombs haha. It’s just how I am. 

How long was your last phone conversation? Just a couple minutes.

Who was you talking to? I was talking to my mom.

Which one of your friends annoy you? --

Have you ever lost a close friend to death? No.

Do you know someone who suffers from addiction? Yes, several people.

How old are you? 31.

Do you have a lot of pictures in your room? I do now. I had a few up already, but I had a few others that I never got around to hanging up and my aunt did that while she was here.

Do you have facebook? I do.

Do you update your status with a step by step guide of what your doing? Uh, no. No one would care to see that and I have no need to share that.

Have you ever found a dog/cat on the side of the road? Yes. :(

Do you go bowling in your town? I have a few times before back in the day. The last time I went bowling was over a decade ago.

Do you have a drive in theater. No, I wish. I really think those should make a big comeback now.

What are you wearing? Leggings and a long sleeve shirt.

What brand is your favorite shoe? Adidas.

Is your best friend's mom like your own? My best friend is my mom so yes? haha.

Do you have aniexty or depression? I have both, yay. -____-

How old do you think you will be when you get married? I don’t plan on ever getting married.

What is your favorite fast food resturant? Wingstop.

What do you usually order? Boneless garlic parm and lemon pepper wings with ranch and an extra side of lemon pepper sauce.

Do you own a pair of brass knuckles? No.

Don't you think the diamond ones are b-a? Huh?

Do you know what b-a means? No.

Have you and your friends ever made up a word? My cousins and I probably have when we were kids.

Don't you hate stomachaches? Ugh, yes. Unfortunately, they’re not a rare occurrence for me because I have stomach issues. :/ Heating pads are a must.

Have you ever gotten a stomache at the wrong time? yeah it always feels like the wrong time. like it's always at night when i'm trying to sleep. the worst. <<< Same. 

What is your favorite memory in life? Childhood.

Do you have any embarassing baby pictures of yourself? I don’t think any of my baby photos are embarrassing. I actually love those photos haha. Then I got older and ew.

What is the worst smell in the world? Shit? ha.

What is your favorite smell? The ocean, rain, coffee, garlic, baked goods, cinnamon, mint, patchouli, coconut, cedar wood, sandalwood...

Do you dye your hair a lot? Yeah. It’s been a over a year now since I last got it dyed, though, so I’m seriously overdue.

How do you style your hair most of the days? It’s always up in a messy bun. I don’t have the energy or motivation to do anything else with it. I’m just at home all day anyway.

Do you have any fox racing clothing? No. I remember that was a popular thing in high school.

Do you have anybody in your family who rides dirtbikes/fourwheelers? Yes.

Have you ever rode a dirtbike/fourwheeler? Nooo.

Tell me how you got one of your scars? Spinal surgery.

Have you ever had a friend who cut themselves? Yes.

What is your favorite thing to do in the summer? The only thing I like about the summer is being able to go to the beach. Otherwise, I hate summertime.

Do you go tanning or do you lay out? I only ever get a tan when I go to the beach cause I’m out there for hours.

Do you have a beach towel or do you use a reg one? We have beach towels.

If you tan, what kind of lotion do you have? I don’t use any tanning lotion.

What is your favorite skin lotion? I don’t really have one. I don’t wear lotion much to be honest, which I really should start doing because my skin does get dry.

Have you ever used 3 minute miracle by aussie? Nope.

Do you use a lot of hair products? No, just shampoo, a detangling spray, and dry shampoo.

Why did you pick my survey? It was long and looked interesting.

Are you glad it's long? Yeah.

Or did I bore you? Nah, it’s fine.

What is your longest relationship? Whatever it was Joseph and I had went on for 3 years.

How long have you known your best friend? Since I was in the womb, ha.

Who is your favorite aunt? I’m really close to the aunt that came and stayed with us last week.

Do you have a cousin you dislike? No.

Do you own a pair of chanel earrings? Nope.

What is your favorite band? Linkin Park will always be one of them.

Have you ever heard theroy of a deadman? I think so.

What is your comfort food? Ramen.

What is your favorite color? Pastels, rose gold, sea foam green, coral, and yellow.

What color is the color of your walls? White.

Do you own anything zebra striped? No.

What kind of straighner do you have? I don’t have one, we’ve been through this already.

Are you obsessed with your hair? No. I don’t do anything with it. I’m not good at maintaining the red I’ve been dyeing it for the past 6 years either. I was in the beginning when I got it done once a month, but then it started getting more and more months in between and then it turned into a year. I’m currently a little over a year overdue. Sighhh. I just don’t have the energy or motivation to do that or much of anything else. I barely get outta bed most days.

[staysocky]

answering a handful of asks under the cut !!

answers & replies here are generally:

brush settings

misc. responses

(MANY OF THESE I’M ANSWERING...VERY LATE.... IM SO SORRY FOR THE DELAY I JUST WANTED TO WAIT A BIT SO I COULD COMPILE EVERYTHING ALL TOGETHER.....)

Anonymous said: Hello friend may I ask about your brush settings? Because I am in love with your colouring and line work!

Anonymous said: Your art is so cute! What brushes do you use?

Answer: i main SAI2 now, but here are the same settings when i was using them in the original SAI!! 

(i just copied my own settings in SAI2 now so they should work the same... also sometimes i use the marker tool for doodling nowadays)

Anonymous said: do you post speedpaints anywhere? i'd love to see your painting process! your art style is phenomenal hngh 

Anonymous said: Do you have a youtube channel? Just wondering, since I can't seem to find it. I'd like to watch some speedpaints or something .u.

Anonymous said: could do you a tutorial on how you color hair??? its so pretty and baffles me all the time

Anonymous said: Would you ever do a tutorial showing how you draw? I've see you post on how you color but not lineart (ps your style is super duper cute!!)

Anonymous said: Ayy ;3c hello stocky, your art is amazing ;; how is your process for color your drawings? Plz need to know! God bless you♥

Anonymous said: How do you color soooo well? Can I get some tips? ( ;n; )

Answer: i’ve sometimes done lil art streams for friends before! i could use the same capture software to make speedpaints sometime.... i’ve been considering it for a while actually! 

my process can be a lil sloppy when i try to break it down into steps for tutorials so i think the best way to show + explain is through art streams (& video process)... 

i was thinking of starting art streams on twitch in the near future too... it’s just when i’ll finally be able to get setup finally that i’d be able to set a streaming schedule

Anonymous said: I never played Megaman but I used to watch my older brother play it, and I finally started playing it because of your art too lmao (i love it)

Answer: MEGAMAN GOOD!!! im so glad you’re enjoying the series now too!!

Anonymous said: Socky, will you restock the sanic charms (the knuckles and tails link one) or make other characters?? i love them !

Answer: THANK YOU i’m glad u like em!! each time they sell out i do plan to restock them so no worries!! 👍 I AM AIMING TO MAKE MORE CHARMS OF OTHER SONIC CHARACTERS TOO they’ll come eventually when i’m able to make the designs & get them ordered!!

Anonymous said: ((whispers, this may have been asked before and I wasn't sure where to ask it, but what does "i tried my best x5" mean? is it a reference to something? ;;))

Answer: OH NO WORRIES I’LL CLEAR IT UP!! it’s in reference to a youtube user’s rp comments as “kagamine len”. i’ve seen it MANY years ago & at that time it became sorta an inside joke between me & my friends. 

later i referenced/used it as a response a few times on my len askblog to keep it going.

it’s a small lil thing i guess but i’ve sorta adopted the saying now haha

Anonymous said: socks r gr8 doncha think

Anonymous said: ookay im going to sleep now sorry

Answer: no come back you are valid !!

Anonymous said: your aRT gives me heARTATTACKKKS

Answer: BREATHE, ANON

Anonymous said: I JUST FOUND YOUR BLOG AND I LOVE YOUR ART STYLE! <3

Anonymous said: Wanted to say I absolutely love your art and how you draw the Kagamines. Please keep it up!

Anonymous said: HELLO I JUST. WANNA SAY I ADORE YOUR ART AND BLOGS !! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK AND I ALSO WISH YOU ALL THE BEST !!

Anonymous said: your art makes me cry out of joy. I am actually crying because your style makes me so happy!!!! keep up the good work!! <3

Anonymous said: your artstyle. CUTE

@transjackatlas​ said: you art style is absolutely adorable 💙💚💕

@emmi-san​ said: I only wanted to say that I love your art style and the cute representations of the vocaloid songs ✨💕

@tyranart​ said: Your arts wonderful and I hope your day is full of nothing but enjoyment

@thekillermarti​ said: how do you draw so cute?!

@neykoart​ said: YOUR ARTSTYLE IS SO CUTE OH MY GOD YOUR TETO DRAWING WARMS MY HEART SO MUCH

@dumiz-hyper-saiyan​ said:  Hiya! I wanted to ask, how is your art so great!? You are so so talented (I know it’s not really a question but I love your drawings so much! I hope we can be friends cause you seem to be a amazing person!) hehe!♥️

@seraphofivorylight​ said:  (￣▽￣) i just found ur blog today and i want to say i really love how soft ur art is !! its super pleasing to look and i definitely wish i could have some of these as prints to slap onto my wall of posters ✨ keep doing ur good work !! i hope ur doing well !!

Answer: THANK YOU SO MUCHHCH!!!!! i’m glad y’all are enjoying my art u folks are the MVPs & it’s super motivating to get your nice feedback _(┐「ε:)_ 💕 💕 //sends you all my lov e

@moderndayoutsider​ said: Just thought I'd shoot a message and say that I absolutely ADORE your art and you're one of my inspirations <3 God bless! Keep on doing what you're doing! :D

Anonymous said: ahh i wana say that ive been a fan of you for years and youve inspired my own art sm T_T... bout time i told you how much i love ur stuff 💖💖💖

Anonymous said: Woah, I'm a bit new to your blog and I just want to say how cute your art is. I'm literally so glad this was on my recommended. If I hadn't clicked on your blog then I don't know where I would be. To be honest, I would send you this on my real account but I'm actually really afraid to talk to you, and plus I'm really shy heheh. But keep up the good work! You're an inspiration to us all.

Anonymous said: Hi socky!!! I just wanna drop by and say that I love ur art so so so much !! The coloring and shape of it is so appealing and sometimes I spend hours at a time on your social media just marveling your art. It's really pretty!! Keep up the good work ✨✨✨

Answer: sdfgFDGDdsf knowing that u folks are inspired by my works makes it all worth it, i hope u know (;__;💕 💕 thank you so much for sticking around & enjoying!!! it really means A LOT pleas y’all have a lovely week!!

Anonymous said: Do you take commissions?

Anonymous said: Commission?

Answer: I SORTA HAVE COMMISSIONS OPEN tho i take them by a commission form which puts you on a waitlist. i’m more active on my twitter and tweet updates, & handle most contact about them there...

here’s a link to the tweet about my current commission info + the link to the form is inside --> [comm info]

Anonymous said: Where are you from? Your art is so clean and stylish!! 💖✨

@mysticmangaanimepainter​ said: What year u start drawing???😮 

Answer: started drawing wayyy back when i was able to first hold a crayon haha. tho i sorta started paying attention to what i was doing around middle school? started drawing digitally between middle & high school iirc... im from the US also !!

AAAND AGAIN A LOT OF THESE WERE ASKED/SENT VERY LONG AGO.....  & IM SORRY FOR JUST NOW ANSWERING THEM... o+<

but to all who’s sent me nice messages & words of encouragement, thank you so much 😭💕💕💕 i rly appreciate em all & even tho i’m not very responsive here on tumblr i rly like to look at and read the messages from time to time;;;💖

[tum-blrb]

Real life fantasy

I had a fanfictionesc experience with my boy friend last night. I’m gonna retell it with Sadie and Sam. His innitiation was into improv club but im going to make it an innitiation into B.E.E.S.T. Note this is probably not cannon to the comic. Also I’m gonna tell this from Sadies perspective since it’s mostly my perspective.

I had watched him at the training session. His biceps bulged at the slightest bend of his elbow. I had always thought he had broad chest even though he seemed to always think he needed to bulk up more. He was objectively wrong but I found no harm in letting him think otherwise. As long as he had a clear body image and liked himself as much as I did, that’s all that mattered to me.

I watched Inaya’s eyes travel over him and I knew exactly what she was thinking. How the hell did he fit that ass in those jeans? I felt a pleasure in knowing I would be the only one to find out. At the end of our training session (improv show) There was a ceremony to celebrate our last practice before battle. (We went to Denny’s)

“So...what are you guys doing now?” Moyo asked.

I told him we were heading to the ceremoni and he asked if he could ride along.

Sam was accomodating as usual. I told him to put away his G.P.S. and proceeded to direct him with my own british accent. Perhaps I would have done better had I not been so easily confused about my left and right. When we made it the ceremoni we found our friends and I determined what I wanted from the menu faster than I ever have before.

He ordered a breakfast platter while I ordered a steak and vegitables. Any time there were this many people in a room togethure I had no choice but to engage them in a game. I had brought paper and pens for a game of telestrations. This time I brouht enough pens for everybody even though only seven out of twelve of us were playing.

“Are you gonna play?” I asked Sam who was helping me to recruit players from the table.

“Ofcourse.” His enthusiasm was genuine. Immediatly I felt disgusted with myself for the amount of adoration I held in that moment. He would cringe if he knew.

I couldn’t help but to whisper under my breath a subtle “Your perfect.” Even though no one is.

So amid conversation, and youtube videos, and a painful compilation of sounds we played the game. When the food arrived we cleared the table.

“French toast breakfast platter?”

“Thats him.” I said, tilting my head in Sam’s direction.

He took the plate, perplexed by the lack of food on it. I recieved my steak and could sense mild jealousy from my right side. (Left handed couples bennefit from that one shared trate) “Don’t worry. I’ll share.” I promised him. But an even larger plate of hashbrowns, eggs, and sausage followed mine.

“Aww I asked for bacon?” He murmered.

“Need me to advocate for you?” I asked.

“Nah. It’s fine.” He said politely.

“You want a piece of steak?” I offered.

“I would love some steak.”

And so I proceeded to saw at the juicy sirloin. I slid a nice chunk of it off my fork and onto Sam’s plate.

“Wow that’s really good. Do you like it?”

I smiled making the second cut. “I don’t know. I haven’t tried it yet.”

“You gave me the first piece?”

“I did.”

“Aww That’s so sweet.”

And before I knew it his plate was cleaned asside from the sausages and  a smear of egg yolk.

I watched the leader pour shots of syrup into little cups.

“Sadie, do you remember the ritual?” He asked mischiefously.

“I don’t remember ever having to do it.” I admitted.

“What ritual?” Sam asked.

But I had been instructed not to tell.

“Can you pass the sugar?” He asked me as his coffee was refilled.

“Regular sugar right?”

“No. i really want that aspertame stuff.” He said sardonicaly.

As he toor open his sugar packet the group leader came to a stand.

“Now I’m not realy one to make speaches but I thought I should say something. Something. There I said it. But here at B.E.E.S.T. we have a ceremoni for innitiating new members. Everyone here has done it. Well Sady is questionable. So I poured all of the new members syrup shots.”

I wanted to lay a hand on Sam’s shoulder and tell him it was optional but it wasn’t my place. Besides I didn’t want to smother him and make his decitions for him.

“Guess I’ll be drinking my coffee black then.” He mused, setting asside the sugar packets. He toasts his shot of syrup hesitantly. The face he makes is one I have never seen before. His eyes widen with a sort of fear. His only focus is on keeping the syrup down which he looks like he might not be able to. I imagine this is the face he makes when he’s about to be ill.

“That was very unpleasant.” He cholks

“You alright?” I fight the instinct to lay my hand on him. Normaly, I would be scooting away or flenching in this situations.

“I’m fine.” He tries to wash away the syrup taste with black coffee.

“Want some steak?” I ask him.

He pausses to assess his stomach. “Sure.” He says.

“Figured it might balance out the sugar.” is my explanation as I hand him the fork.

“Mmm at least with burbon the burn only lasts for a minute. I can still feel the syrup.” He says sickly.

“Drink some water.” I suggest, and rather than arguing he says “that’s a good idea.” And proceeds to sip from his glass.

I give him the last piece of steak. I had intended to order dessert to share with him but judging by the way he keeps rubbing his stomach under the table I decide I should probably hold off. Though I do make mention of it for some reason.

He’s still playful though, making jokes with everyone and going along with their chinanigans like hiding in foyer from our friends before we leave.

On the drive home he opens up a bit about he’s fealing. “Ugh, I just feel... ack, bleck, augh.” He shakes his head commicaly trying not to be to complainy. “eck”

“We’ll get you home so you can sleep it off.” I promise him. And I go on to tell him how much I appreciate that he does things, and that he’s fun, and that he steps out of his comfort zone.

“You’re so sappy.” He tells me.

“You’re the one who’s full of syrup.” I remind him.

“Mhh Yea. And now I feel queasy.” He says and I feel ever nerve in body light on fire. I still don’t know if he heard me moan involuntarily.

We drop off our friend and head to Sam’s dorm. As soon as the back car door shuts I’m a loose cannon.

“I want you so bad right now.” I blurt.

“I figured you would-” He’s about to say more but I go onto describe the way his pants accent his butt, the way he looks like a greak god every time moves. But he knows what I’m diying to say.

“My stomach hurts a little.” He winces. And I know he isn’t acting because he can’t keep a streight face during roleplay.

“You should drink some water.”

“I know. I want you to give it to me.”

“Are you sure?” I ask. I feel like I’m in a dream.

“Yes.” He says. “It can be our forplay.”

“Foreplay? I thought you wanted to go to sleep.” I say gently. Though I certaintly don’t want to go to sleep.

“Yea but I want to cum first.” He addmits. “Besides I’m in the perfect state for you right now.”

He isn’t joking. Just queasy enough to need some soothing, but not so queasy he doesn’t want to be touched.

“Hell yea.” I say. “Fuck. I don’t know if I’m horny or I have to pee.”

“Probably both.” He reassures me.

He’s right. And when i come out of his bathroom I find him standing in the middle of his room.

“Take my shirt off.” He whispers. “Take your own bloody shirt off.” I tell him, trying to quote something we’ve watched recently.

“You want to don’t you?” He asks.

I admit that he’s right and I pull his shirt off over his head.

“Can you undo my pants too?” He asks me. I slink down kissing his tender stomach gently and unfasten his pants. I know he’ll feel so much better when his syrup filled guts aren’t being squeased.

“Compression shorts too?” I ask him.

“If you want.”

I pull on the front band, making room for his stomach to relax.

“You’de probably feel better with some of the pressure off you.”

I pull the shorts off and rub his tummy in small circles.

“That feels good.” He groans.

“Do you want to lay down I ask him?”

“Yea. That might help” And he follows me into his bed where he lays his head in my lap as I stroke his hair and tend to his stomach ache. He takes off his glasses, folds them, and sets them on the window sill before tenting the blinds.

He gives a controlled sigh and nestles into my breast.

“How’s your stomach?” I ask him.

“I still feel a bit queasy.” He admits.

“Do you want some water?” I ask him.

“Yes.”

So I grab a bottle from his nightstand and proceed to pour some in his mouth. The first sip is small the following one he nearly cholkes on. I follow it from his throat to his belly with my finger.

“Something inbetween the two of those.” he seems weak.

I make a second attempt.

“That was more like the first one but I’m fine.” So I cap the water and go back to massaging his syrup filled tummy.

“Rub my chest.” He whispers. And when I do he moans pleasently his muscles relax.

"Use your nails."

And so I do. I'm absolutely batty right now. My head spinning, but in like a really soothing way.

His stomach isn't as grumbly as usual which leads me to believe its overly full. Though it hardly bulges. At least not as much as other things do.

"Starting to feel better actually." He says somewhat surprised.

I'm ecstatic that this actualy working. That I'm able to sooth his nausia. I kiss him on top of the head. His Normaly curly hair cut too close last time and now its a bit prickly though grown out quote a bit.

He sits up to adjust. The movement burps him and seems somewhat relieved.

"I need an ibeprophin." He whispers.

"Headache?"

"A bit yea. I can feel one coming on."

"Want me to get it for you?" I ask him gently.

[dynamic-instability]

In one of my classes we have to write weekly personal narratives about an experience with illness. This week, mine turned into this. It’s probably too personal, and too... immediate?? to turn in to a professor without cutting out a lot of stuff, but not too personal to post online I guess lol

_____________________________

It’s November again.

In 2009 the lights were too bright. Mid-October one morning I woke up to my dad turning on my lights and it was like having to look into the sun while posing for a photo—my eyes wouldn’t stay open, if I forced them to, they couldn’t stay pointed in one direction, they spasmed and hurt. When the light was dimmed, I still saw double. That morning, I showered in the dark, and I remember being scared. They gave me eyedrops that paralyzed my accommodative muscles. In November my pupils were giant discs and I wore reading glasses over sunglasses to look at the computer, and when it was all said and done, the lights were still too bright, and I still saw double.

In 2011 I was tired. There’s fatigue and then there’s fatigue, I learned that Fall. In May of that year I had pulled two all-nighters in a week, and that was the only other time I’d felt this kind of tired, a sensation in about the 30th hour of the second time where it’s like my brain itched. I once saw someone else online describe it as “nausea, but in your head and eyes instead of in your throat and stomach” and that’s the closest anyone else has come to describing it. By November this was happening more and more often. I remember laying down in the corner of the room during a break of Citywide choir and thinking what the hell is wrong with me? I got a cold the next week, and I thought that maybe that was all it was. It wasn’t.

In 2013 I went to the ER for the fifth time in three months of college, and when I wanted to leave before waiting another couple of hours to eventually see a doctor who would tell me once again that they couldn’t do anything to help me, the woman from student life who was there to drive me back to campus made me call my parents on speaker phone and get their permission to leave before she would turn on the car. I had missed more chemistry labs than I could afford to miss without failing, passed out in a voice lesson, was asked by the director to drop out of choir because watching me was distraction when I looked like I was in pain, and if I passed out it would have ruined the concert for everyone. I remember leaving calculus in the mornings mid-class to go to the bathroom and lay on the floor and cry. I remember not being able to lift my hand off the mattress of my dorm room bed. I withdrew from half of my classes on the Tuesday after Thanksgiving, and took the Spring semester off.

In 2014 I had made a promise to myself that I would come back to college full time for that Fall semester just to see if I could do it, and then if I couldn’t I would drop out for good. There was one week where I thought that might be happening. Mid-November. The girls in my dorm had made a fort in the lounge out of sheets and blankets and colorful scarves and I remember laying on the couch through the green-filtered light and feeling the world spin and thinking oh god I still can’t do this. The door opened with a rush of cold air and my friends came in with food for me, since I’d been too sick to go to dinner. They sat with me and helped me with chemistry, offered to type up a paper if I dictated it, told jokes and made me laugh. I took an incomplete in one class, but I passed everything else, just barely scraped through, and came back in January.

In 2015 I just wanted to sleep. I passed out in an elevator and heard familiar voices, concerned voices, as I came to, and I stayed there laying motionless for another minute longer, because as long as I wasn’t awake I didn’t have to keep pushing. I wrote whole pages of completely unreadable ochem notes because my hand wasn’t working any better than my brain, and woke up on the floor and was wheeled out on a stretcher crying. It was dark all the time. My cane slipped on wet leaves and I felt my wrist crunch and there it was, one too many missed organic chemistry labs. I couldn’t stand for an entire choir rehearsal because breathing to sing made me lightheaded. I slept for 16 hours a day. The week before Thanksgiving, I called my mother to tell her I had decided to take another hardship withdrawal, and she sighed. I had applied to transfer schools during my much more optimistic Spring semester and Summer, and the week I left was also the week I found out I’d been accepted.

And so okay now it’s 2019, and it’s October and now November again, semester plan again, dark again. My reading is piling up again, feeling overwhelmed again, laying on my kitchen floor again. But here’s the thing—my health is… fine? Midterm week I didn’t sleep, and yes I passed out twice, but no ER. For the past 18 months, I can count on one hand the number of mornings I’ve been unable to get out of bed because of fatigue. My heart still pounds too hard but my head doesn’t swim every time I sit up. I walk the streets of New York City like mobility has never been a problem. I always take the stairs. My brain doesn’t itch until it’s been 30 hours no sleep.

I couldn’t go to class last week. I lay on the floor of my kitchen and stared up at the ceiling and tried to get up, tried to type out an email to my professors, and I couldn’t do it. I was not too tired. I was not too weak. I was not in pain. I could not move. I try to write and try to write and try to write and the words don’t come. I eat instant oatmeal at 9 PM because I haven’t been to the store in a month. I have lost nearly 15 pounds since moving to New York. I clean the stove for two and a half hours but can’t bring myself to take the dead spider off the side of the bathtub. I check the door lock one-two-three times, pace the floor, sit back down. I do not read Austerlitz. I write a Canvas post for Self and Other but it’s nonsense. I do not write a Canvas post for Accounts of Self. I do not write a Canvas post for Applied Writing. I write a Canvas post for Illness and Disability and somehow forget to post it, the one thing I’ve actually done, because I’m too busy feeling sick at everything I haven’t. I shadow a doctor for the clinical witnessing assignment and everything is fine but when I try to write it up I have a panic attack that leaves me sobbing on my couch and the assignment nine days late and counting. It takes me eight hours to write two pages. I watch 18 hours of YouTube video essays discussing drama about creators I don’t even watch and play a stupid game on my phone for an entire weekend until I’ve spent $25+ in a labyrinth of microtransations and every time I close my eyes I see the moving dots.

In November of 2015 I had three overdue essays for Global Literature, and two more due in the next two weeks. More than half were on books I had not read. My pre-lab wasn’t done for organic chemistry, and I wondered for a moment, if I pretended to pass out, if that would be easier. I stayed up until 4 AM laying on my floor and listening to Hamilton. I was sick, that much is true, but when I felt okay I still sat at my computer and could not bring myself to write.

In 2011 I had so many unfinished assignments for my college-level English class that I resigned myself to failing and I went to school the morning of the final class, but I hid in the stairwell by the choir room until I heard the bell, and I never went back to that class.

2009 was the year my dad stopped being able to yell at me for not doing my homework, because no one, including me, could tell whether it was actually my eyes stopping me.

In 2008 I wrote 6 essays in the 5 days of Thanksgiving break because I had not done any work for Intro to Lit all semester. I pulled it off, somehow, even aced the class because of an unusually lenient late work policy, but what I most remember is the sick feeling of dread as I lay on the floor in the living room staring up at the Christmas tree and feeling invisible sand slip through an invisible hourglass and a vice tightening in my chest.

In 2006 I stayed up almost all night writing a paper and crying my eyes out because I couldn’t find the words to explain to anyone why it had been so impossible for me to get the work done, that I wasn’t being lazy or distracted, I just couldn’t do it. I wasn’t necessarily reading YA novels or watching TV or IMing my friends instead of working, I could sit and stare at a blank word document for 6 hours straight and still it would not get done. Everyone talked about potential, talked about how smart I was, but a gradebook that is half 100’s and half 0’s still averages out to an F. No one, including me, could explain the discrepancy. The logic of that simple math was not lost on me, the knowledge that turning in half-finished or not very good work was mathematically better than not doing it, but that didn’t mean I could do it. Words failed me when I tried to explain the illogic of my particular suffering.

I didn’t hear the term executive dysfunction until I was in my 20s. In retrospect I was tentatively told at 16 that I had “probably some ADHD and OCD”, but that psychiatrist was someone I’d been sent to by a neurologist because he thought she could fix my eyes, and when she said she couldn’t, I stopped making appointments. After I got sick, physically sick, the lines blurred between what was causing what, to the point where even I have no idea. Two of the Novembers missing here are ones I spent at CC, on the block plan where I only took one class at a time. My physical health arguably improved a little after transferring in January of 2016, but mostly it didn’t, not until Spring of 2018 at least. And you can see that evidence in dropped blocks, concussions from passing out onto hard surfaces, a couple of incompletes taken when viral illnesses (or concussions) compounded my other problems. What the block plan changed was the way things pile up, lessened the struggle of constant task switching between classes. (Admittedly, I also had fewer papers when taking mostly science classes. Writing takes much more energy, and it’s much harder to convince myself it doesn’t have to be perfect to be worth submitting.) At CC nothing ever really reached the level of catastrophe. Some of that is purely the ability to drop a single block, meaning when it was my physical health that was the problem, I didn’t lose a whole semester, just one class, then reset. But I should have realized sooner that the block plan wouldn’t account for the level of improvement if my physical health had really been the only barrier.

So we’re back to now. Grad school. November again. Dark again. Semester plan again. Too much writing again. Crushing dread again. Dysfunction again. Panic attack in the middle of the night increasingly elaborate organizing rituals scream of the subway tracks in my mind can’t stop can’t start can’t breathe can’t move burnout again. This time without the explanation of chronic fatigue to fall back on.

I have my tricks, have actually learned somewhat to cope in the past 18 years. Schedules help, break tasks into pieces that are as small as possible. Mindfulness meditation. Forgive yourself when it’s not perfect. Get started with something easy, set a timer for 20 minutes and only work for those 20 minutes and then let yourself stop if you want to (and surprisingly often, you won’t want to, sometimes that momentum is all it takes). If you work better in the night, work in the night, who cares what society says your sleep schedule should be. When switching tasks, physically get up and move to a different location. Allow yourself to procrastinate on work with other work if that’s what you have to do. Delete the stupid games from your phone. One or two missed assignments are not actually the end of the world, if you let yourself view it as piling up, you won’t be able to get anything done, so if you absolutely have to, just move through and move on.

It’s not a catastrophe, this November. It’s a fight, but it’s not a catastrophe. I read Austerlitz and forgive myself for skimming it. I write a Canvas post and forgive myself when it’s only 500 words and doesn’t make complete sense. I read Toni Morrison and Édouard Louis and classmates’ discussion posts about Deaf culture and identity and remember why this matters in the first place, that it’s not just a series of assignments to overwhelm me, it’s a series of interesting complicated exhausting important thoughts and questions. I get it done. Some of it. Most of it. I let myself sleep. I breathe. I remember to be grateful because I can get out of bed in the mornings and take the stairs. I am okay.

[jojosbunnyadventure]

I was wondering how you made the rabbit cage where you got the materials etc

lumber, cable ties, hinges, nails, linoleum tiles, superglue, screws, mechanical screwdriver, (optional) hand saw- home depot

storage cube grids- probably better to order these online, but we got em at bed bath and beyond.

make sure you read all the steps here before starting, since it’s hard to include all the information you need in one step and you might do something too early and have to undo it. i also probably forgot stuff...its hard to remember everything i did.

STEP ONE(measurements and preparation): first we measured the space that the cage was going to go. it is not an easy cage to move around once constructed unless you detach the floors/cut some of the cable ties, and even then it is pretty cumbersome. to move it on carpeted floors i have had to use furniture sliders. keep this in mind before building the cage: is it going to stay in that spot? will you be moving soon? do you have carpet or wood floors? theyre all things to consider before you start. if you have wood floors you will want something to go under this cage because it is likely to damage the floor otherwise.

STEP TWO(buy storage cube grids, do more measurements): after you’ve measured the space, you need to know the dimensions of the storage cube grids. they dont all come in the same size, so i can’t provide this to you. the reason you want the dimensions first is so you know what size to cut your lumber. i watched a youtube video to see what materials i would need, and in the video they cage was four grids long. after measuring the space and buying the grids, i decided that it was better if i made ours three grids long. as you can see in the post, it is also two grids wide, and each cage section is two grids tall. the goal was to make a big cage for two rabbits, so it is four grids tall in total. each section of the floor(except for the bottom one) has grids supporting it as well. this means we used 56 grids for the entire cage.

STEP THREE(purchase wood and other materials): the wood needs to be untreated wood. no processed woods with glues in them. likely the rabbits will chew on them so its better not to risk them consuming any weird chemicals. you can use treated wood for the bases,(especially if it’s lighter wood) since the rabbit will not have access to that part. it will be covered by the grids and the floor tiles. when cutting the lumber, you’ll want to make it so the base floor section fits inside the grids. the grids will sit on the floor around it. the floor sections will also need a sort of lip around them to attach the grids to. it’s hard to describe so just look at this picture to see how the wood sections go.

as you can see we messed up cutting the lumber on one side, so we just had to put it together as best we could. also youll notice the ramps are some kind of particle board material...i wasnt comfortable with that so i took them out later and we have yet to replace them. it’s been a tough year financially and i cant drive so i haven’t made the trip out to home depot to get new wood...we also haven’t adopted another rabbit yet for the same reasons. jojo has been using the bottom section of the cage and that alone is huge enough for me to fit inside pretty comfortably so i’m not too worried about him having limited space for a while.

STEP FOUR(floor tiles, then put all the wood together): you will want stick-on linoleum floor tiles to cover the floors of the cage. this is just to make sure things are more sanitary if your bunny pees on the floors. pee will probably still get on the sides of the wood if your bunny is not litter trained, but there is nothing you can do about that. basically just install the floor tiles as you would in your kitchen, with the edges flush against one another so your bunny can’t dig them up. i would reccomend you use superglue(the kind that works on these materials) around the bottom edges for added security. depending on what kind you use, the glue will take time to cure. this applies to every step of the project, but make sure the room is well ventilated. between the the wood and the glues, it might build a strong smell in a small room. this is something you want aired out before you put bunnies in because theyre more sensitive to fumes than we are. after we were done the smell was strong enough for us to notice, but it did go away eventually.

once the floor tiles are secured on, you can drill the wood sections together. don’t put the floor tiles on afterwards or you will have an awkward time getting them in there. since the tiles are thin they are easy to drill through.

STEP FIVE(attach the grids together): the grids themselves are secured together with cable ties. this might seem structurally unsound, but it really works if you use a lot of them. you will most likely use over a thousand cable ties in the process, so get a big bag. it doesnt hurt to have extras. just lay the grids out on the floor and tighten each section together. for added security, make an “X” shape with the ties at the corners. for the horizontal-laying grids that support the floor sections, make sure to attach them together with as many cable ties along the edges as you can. when it’s all put together it can support the weight of the wood and it’s very secure. if you want to take the cage apart you will have to cut some of the cable ties with a wire cutter. IMPORTANT- make sure you don’t attach all the grids together before putting the wood in or you’ll have to cut the cable ties again. we did this. woops. for the doors, just make sure a section of the grids in the middle is only attached with cable ties on one side. you can use a binder clip or something to lock the doors when they are closed.

STEP SIX(construct the wood pieces together): you will need a mechanical screwdriver to screw the wood together. i would also recommend having a hand saw in case the wood was cut too large at the hardware store...you really dont want to make the trip all the way back out there. it’s good to have the exact measurements written down when you get the wood cut so there arent any mistakes, but as mentioned we messed it up somehow anyway. it works as long as the wood is secured together properly and fits inside the grids. drill holes on the outer lips and put cable ties through them to secure the grids to the floor sections.

STEP SEVEN(ramps): the ramps need to be long enough so that it isn’t too steep for the bunny to climb up, and they need to be wide enough for the bunny’s body to fit onto. we don’t want bunny to fall. we nailedd thin, rounded pieces of wood(it comes in long sticks at the hardware store, dunno what its called) at short intervals up the ramps as a sort of grip for the bunnys feet. they dont have pads at the bottom of their feet so i think this makes it easier to climb up. you will need door/gate hinges for the ramps to attach to each floor and to drill them on. i would drill the hinge to the floor part first, then attach it to the ramp. looking at the picture our cage is actually two separate cages stacked on top of each other. we plan to cut a section out of the second “floor” and add another ramp to it later. you want to do this during construction if it’s going to be one entire cage from the start.

STEP EIGHT(check your work): make sure everything is secure and attached. the finished cage should be really strong and sturdy. clean the floor sections of any wood shavings, residues or plastic from the cable ties before letting bunny in the cage. the tiles make the cage easy to clean, using a dustpan and then wiping down with an animal-safe cleaner like nature’s miracle. hopefully bunny will use the ramps and climb to the other sections of the cage. if they dont do this eventually, consider getting wider ramps or something to make them easier to get onto.

sorry i could not make the instructions more clear. let me know if you have questions! it has been several months since we built this so im fuzzy on the details and mightve forgotten something. look up “rabbit cage storage cube grids” on youtube and you might find similar projects. i got the idea from watching one of these and tried to follow it, but we had to improvise some of the details ourselves. it took three days to put together and then several weeks afterwards airing out the room when we realized we had left the cage in there to build up fumes. but jojo loves the cage now.

[artcryptid-blog]

tagged by @hey-laura​ (thank!!!!!!!) and i haven’t done a tag game in a while so!

— what was your last…

1. drink: water 2. phone call: my mom 3. text message: my best friend 4. song you listened to: Rollercoaster by Bleacers 5. time you cried: the other night

— have you ever…

6. dated someone twice: no 7. kissed someone and regretted it:nope  8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: yeah 10. been depressed: lmao!!!!! yup! haha :’) 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: yeah rip

— fave colours

12. red 13. black 14. grey

— in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: absolutely! 16. fallen out of love: kinda finally stopped thinking abt someone i spent last year getting over i guess 17. laughed until you cried: so many times 18. found out someone was talking about you: nope! 19. met someone who changed you: idk, not really? 20. found out who your friends are: ya it was a big deal for me 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: noot

— general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: like. most of them probs? dont know if ‘we’re family but you live in a different country and i’ve seen you like twice ever at the most’ counts as knowing people irl so maybe like half??? idk  23. do you have any pets: yup! lizard boyo (radagast) and a snake (merle) 24. do you want to change your name: not really. i wouldn’t mind getting it legally changed to kai or kaiya for convenience but it’s not a huge concern 25. what did you do for your last birthday: hung out with my family & my friend’s family! 26. what time did you wake up today: about 8:30am 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: was en route to town for a late night maccas run w/ the bestie 28. what is something you can’t wait for: i’m getting a proper gaming laptop for my birthday this month! 30. what are you listening to right now: old jenna & julien podcasts 31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yes

32. something that’s getting on your nerves: living with my parents sdhjkdfsd

33. most visited website: youtube & nexus 34. hair colour: purple  35. long or short hair: super short! i got it cut & coloured last week in a julien-esque style and i LOVE it

36. do you have a crush on someone: yep yep yep yep yep yep yep oh god

37. what do you like about yourself: i mean??? other than the debilitating depression what is there that’s NOT to like?? i’m fucking iconic nicknames: kai, kaiya  41. relationship status: completely in love and have not told her anything beyond ‘i would 100% date you if you were up for it lol’ so sfhujksdfs prayer circle for me to get my shit together and come clean 42. sign: aries 43. pronouns: eh (they/them mostly. she is alright? idk i dont really care) 44. fave tv show: of all time, bbc merlin. right now, queer eye  45. tattoos: one so far 46. right or left handed: right 47: ever had surgery: nah 48. piercings: three, all in my ears 49. sport: i used to play netball and i miss it a lot but it’s not fun anymore so no thank 50. vacation: probably europe idk 51. trainers: what about them??? i rly just wear the same pair of ratty sneakers every time i leave the house

— more general

52. eating: nothing but last thing i ate was a potato 53. drinking: water 54. i’m about to watch: just finished up watching some jenna & julien podcasts and now im going to bed 55. waiting for: being asleep im so keen 56. want: to move out and live w/ my friends 57. get married: maybe? i’d do it as long as i didn’t have to say vows in front of a crowd or anything. no thanks. cryptid wedding pls, sweep me off my feet and marry me deep in a forest somewhere where nobody can be aware of us 58. career: i dont know! bye!

— which is better

59. hugs or kisses: both 60. lips or eyes: eyes 61. shorter or taller: literally do not care 62. older or younger: not too far in either direction 63. nice arms or stomach: Arm Muscles™ 64. hookup or relationships: either. both. open relationships. 65. troublemaker or hesitant: u mean: big anxiety vs uncontrollable need to be insufferable

— have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: no 67. drank hard liquor: yup 68. turned someone down: don’t remember 69. sex on first date: nope 70: broken someone’s heart: not that i know of 71. had your heart broken: yeah 72. been arrested: no 73. cried when someone died: yes 74. fallen for a friend: :’)))))))))))))))))

— do you believe in

75. yourself: yeppity yep 76. miracles: eh. kind of. im pretentious and fake deep but i like to believe in people and choices more than Miracles™ 77. love at first sight: not really but my track record is exclusively falling for best friends so who knows, maybe some people do have love at first sight 78. santa claus: nah 79. angels: no.

— misc

80. eye colour: blue 81. best friend’s name: krista 82. favourite movie: return of the king 83. favourite actor: god idk. katie mcgrath maybe

84. favourite cartoon: avatar last airbender yes laura!! 85. favourite teacher’s name: kim, she was the teacher librarian at my primary school and she used to pull me out of class to show me the newest harry potter movie trailers and news and stuff sdjfksfgfj

uhhh im gonna tag @stvles-stilinski, @softdario @etherealswan @risingbarnes and then @phantasizeit @phanarchy @phloridas ok u know what im not tagging every single member of the duck demons individually if y’all see this i tagged u. consider urself tagged. im going to bed, love u xx

[greatpretending]

This City Never Sleeps (When We’re Dancing)

Word Count: 5043

Pairing: Eventual Peter Parker x Female!Reader

Warnings: Mentions of blood and light cursing.

Summary: Part Four of This City Never Sleeps. Just as you’re coming to terms with your feelings for Peter, everything falls apart.

Tags: @seargantbcky​ @darlin-you-bitch​ @emily-ily2​ @rosep16​ @comics-and-stuff​ @t4rt-deco​ @octopishisahybridanimal​ @slythergirlimagines​  @philipshaaayyyy @catwoman2502@minimalistxx @sophiatomlinson23@johnsonxstilinski @raindancer2004 @vanessly@newyorkrebel @letstrysomefanfic @half-superhero @mermaid-princess-wannabe @mmmaff @spideysensesparker @ttholland

“Did you take Peter’s suit away?!”

You stormed into the workshop, where Tony was working on something or another. He had been spending a lot more time at the penthouse during the limbo between moving the Avengers from the Tower to the new facility upstate.

“Yes, I did.” Tony said plainly, not looking up from his work.

“How could you do that?” you asked angrily. “Peter loves being Spider-Man more than anything! He’s found his calling- you can’t just take that away from him!”

“I can, and I did.” Tony replied, finally meeting your eyes.

“That’s not fair!” you shouted. “Peter doesn’t deserve--”

“People almost died today,” Tony cut you off. You could tell he was starting to lose his patience. “Peter almost died today. He’s been throwing himself recklessly into danger, and I can’t have that on my conscience.”

You put your hands on your hips and took a deep breath. Getting in a fight with Tony wasn’t going to help the situation. You needed to be the supportive link between him and Peter. And honestly, you could see where Tony was coming from. After Rhodey getting injured and all the fighting between the Avengers, he was just trying to protect someone else he cared about. Too many people had already been hurt.

“Look,” Tony said. “I know you kids like to think you can save the world, but the adults can’t do it either, so we have to keep you guys safe for as long as we can.”

That put some tension in the air for a moment. The words were heavy, but they were absolutely true. You sighed.

“I’m going to go make sure he’s okay,” you said. “He hasn’t texted me back all afternoon. I had to find out what happened from Ned.”

“Good, go be his friend,” Tony said, turning back to his work. “Kids need friends, not overbearing responsibility.”

A short while later you were standing outside Peter’s bedroom door, arms full of comfort foods and DVDs. You knocked and waited patiently as you heard Peter get up from his bed and pad over to the door. It swung open, and Peter didn’t even look surprised to see you. He just looked so… sad. You could tell he had been crying, his eyes were red-rimmed and puffy. His hair was a mess.

It broke your heart.

Peter didn’t say anything to you, he just left the door open and went back to his bed. Before he closed the window, you could see he had been watching videos of Spider-Man on youtube. You stepped into the room and closed the door behind yourself gently.

“So,” you began. “We can either talk about it and eat all this junk food I brought, or we can watch Back to the Future, eat the junk food, and not talk about it.”

“Movie,” he mumbled, popping open his disk drive. You took over the laptop and set up the movie, turning off the lights before settling onto the bed with Peter, opening a bag of chips for the two of you to share.

You spent the next hour paying more attention to Peter than the movie. You tried to gauge his mood and read his thoughts with every move he made. You longed to reach out and hold his hand, or even just touch his arm- something to comfort him and let him know you were there to support him. But you didn’t, because the last thing you wanted to do was cross a line and make him more upset than he already was.

“I was just trying to help,” Peter said quietly. You turned to look at him, he was still looking at the screen. “Y’know, I thought… I thought no one was listening to me. I thought no one else was going to stop them, I… I was afraid…”

Screw it, you thought. You reached out and took his hand, squeezing it tightly. He squeezed back.

“I just wanted to help.”

In the following weeks you kept a close eye on Peter, and you watched him grow a little happier every day. You watched as he started doing better in his classes, he started building computers again, and you even saw him reading a book for pleasure- something you hadn’t witnessed in months.

You were glad to see the dark circles under his eyes fade as he started getting more sleep. You were really beginning to see the old Peter in him again- the pre-stress, pre-Spider-Man Peter who was relaxed and loved making puns and who was on a personal quest to find the best alfredo pizza in Queens. You started to think that maybe it was a good thing that Tony took his suit away.

This- this was the Peter you knew you definitely had a crush on. The sweet, caring boy who was passionate about his hobbies, who loved his aunt more than anything in the world, and who never failed to make you laugh. As the days passed you started to gather your courage. Homecoming was that weekend, and you wanted to dance with Peter at least once. You tried to not spend sleepless nights and boring classes imagining his hand on your waist and his face so, so close to yours, but you were weak, so that’s what took up most of your thoughts. A couple times you’d been called out in class for not paying attention, but you managed to make it through Friday without any serious incident.

And then disaster struck.

You were standing outside the school gates talking to Ned before he got on the bus when Peter sprinted up to you.

“IjustaskedLiztoHomecomingandshesaidyesIgottagobye!” Peter shouted, before taking off again. You said nothing as you watched him run.

“Did he just say that he asked Liz to Homecoming and she said yes?” Ned asked.

“Yep,” you said, feeling the crack in your heart grow longer by the second.

“Oh no,” Ned said. He started to say something else, but just then his bus pulled up to the curb. “I’m sorry, I have to go. I’ll text you!” Ned said as he climbed onto the bus.

You looked back to the last place you had seen Peter, before he turned the corner. Of course he still liked Liz. He’d shown no indication of liking you back. And why wouldn’t he like Liz? She was tall and pretty and smart and you were--

“She’s not better than you, you know,” a voice said behind you, making you jump. You spun around and Michelle was there, wearing an unreadable expression.

“How do you always do that?” you asked, a little annoyed.

“Liz isn’t better than you,” Michelle repeated, ignoring your question. You laughed.

“Well, it’s kind of a confidence killer when all they do is talk about how pretty and smart she is,” you said. Michelle looked at you quizzically.

“You know you’re pretty too, right?” Michelle asks. “Unfairly so. And? You’re also incredibly smart. It won’t be long before you’re the ‘new Liz Allan’ of the school, just like how Liz is the ‘new Maddy Crochet.’ High Schoolers cycle through the same roles over and over.” Michelle began walking away, but turned around, pointedly looking down at your watch and then back at your face. You tugged your sleeve over your wrist. “You know it can be sooner rather than later.”

You shook your head before heading to your car, hands shoved in the pockets of your hoodie. Cool, so Michelle knew everything all the time, apparently. You were starting to think she was less observant and just had the ability to read minds. With everything you’d seen it would hardly surprise you.

It wasn’t until you were in the car and halfway home that you got a text from Ned.

dude im so sorry

It’s fine.

no its not i kno u really like him

It’s fine, Ned, I just… won’t go to Homecoming.

what??? u cant skip hoco!!

I don’t want to see them together I just… I’ll think about it.

ok let me know if you want to talk

When you got home you went immediately to the workshop. Tony was already in there, music playing loudly as he reworked the wiring on one of his suit’s hands. You dropped your backpack on the ground and sat down at your bench, setting to work on your heart regulator. This project had been your baby for years, and nothing made you feel better like making progress on it.

“How was school?” Tony asked you.

“I don’t really want to talk about it,” you replied, opening a drawer and pulling out a pair of pliers.

“Pizza for dinner?” Tony asked. Tony never pried. He knew you would talk to him when you were ready.

“Yes please.”

Pepper found you in the same spot the next afternoon.

You were getting into the finer details of your creation, trying to set the electrical pulses just so, and you weren’t having much luck. Either it was emitting a wave so small you could barely feel it buzzing on your hand, or so strong that it was jumping to every bit of metal it could reach. You just couldn’t find that happy medium, and you were growing more frustrated by the second.

You reset the transducer again and flipped the switch. Lightning jumped out of the machine, sending sparks flying in all directions before it overwhelmed itself and shut down completely.

“Damnit!” you shouted, slamming a fist onto the table. Why couldn’t just one thing go right? You put your face in your hands and did your best to hold back tears. You always hated that you were a frustrated crier. You started cleaning up your bench, opening and closing drawers a little too hard.

“What is going on with you?” Pepper asked from the doorway, and you startled, not having heard her come in. “I’ve never seen you like this.”

“Stupid transducer isn’t working,” you grumbled, closing your notebook and stuffing it back in your backpack. Pepper rolled a chair over and sat down next to you.

“Okay. What’s the real problem?” she asked patiently, and suddenly you found yourself telling her everything. It was like a dam had broken open and the words were just spilling out of your mouth. You told her how worried you had been about Peter and how much you had grown to like him over the past few weeks. You told her about Liz and how you wanted to hate her but you couldn’t because she was too freaking nice. You told her about Michelle and how she knew your secret and how much that scared you. You told her you were tired of having so many secrets.

“Clearly, you have to go to the dance,” Pepper said, when you were finally done. You laughed, not looking up from your feet. “I’m serious,” Pepper insisted. “Go have a good time with your friends, and don’t let one boy ruin it for you. Go for you, you’ll have more fun there than you will sitting in this grease-trap,” she said, and then quieter and with a wink, “Showing Peter what he’s missing will just be a little added bonus.”

“Even if I were to go, the dance starts at seven and it’s…” you looked down at your watch and laughed again. “Five fifty-two. There’s no way I’d make it in time.”

“So be fashionably late,” you and Pepper both snapped your heads up at the sound of Tony’s voice. He was leaning casually in the doorway, and you had no doubt he’d heard everything. “Take one of my cars. Really make an entrance. Hell, we’ll drive you on our way to the airport.

“You’re a Stark,” Tony said. “And when Starks get knocked down, we get back back up, stronger, wiser, and better than ever, and we work the problem until it’s solved. You can’t solve your problems out there by holing yourself up in here.”

You looked back and forth between the two of them, each returning your gaze expectantly, before you finally stood up.

“Okay,” you said. “I’ll go.”

Pepper clapped her hands together in delight and immediately started ushering you down the hall, Tony trailing behind. She sat you down at the vanity in your room and set to work on smoothing your hair, twisting it and pinning it into a loose, wavy updo while Tony went to retrieve a car from the parking garage under the building.

“What were you planning on wearing?” Pepper asked you as she started on your makeup. She left it mostly natural, enough to accentuate your features but not dramatic enough to change them.

“I… wasn’t. I was going to decide last night, I know I have plenty of options in my closet,” you replied, starting to panic. You didn’t have time to try everything on.

“On it!” Tony called, zipping back through your bedroom door and into your walk-in. He started pulling dresses out, holding them up for you and Pepper to appraise.

“Too formal.”

“No one can pull off that color. I don’t know why I bought it.”

“That’s a sundress.”

“That’s a Halloween costume.”

“Wait!” Pepper exclaimed. She stood up straight, lip pencil in hand. “Grab the white one that she wore to the Tonys this year.” Pepper turned back to you. “That one makes you look like an angel.”

Tony disappeared back into the closet to find the dress, and reappeared just as Pepper was swiping the final coat of gloss over your lips. “Is this it?” he asked.

“That’s the one!” Pepper exclaimed. She took the dress from him and shooed him out of the room.

Pepper helped you into the dress, zipping up the back for you and finding your shoes for you while you changed the strap on your watch to your “fancy event” band. You slipped on the shoes, hooking a few sparkling earrings into your lobes before standing in front of your full-length mirror. Pepper opened the door again and let Tony back inside.

“Wow,” he said. “Pepper was right, you look beautiful.”

“Thank you,” you said, trying to not feel too embarrassed. You looked down at your watch. 7:12. With good traffic you could make it to the school in twenty minutes.

“You’re right,” Tony said, noticing where your attention was. “We’re late. Cars ready, let’s go!”

The three of you hurried to the elevator, and you felt more and more nervous with each floor you passed. When you finally made your way through the lobby and out of the building you were shocked by the car parked in front of you.

“We’re taking the Maserati?” you squeaked. The red and gold car was the flashiest thing Tony kept in New York City.

“I did say we were going to make an entrance, didn’t I?” Tony replied with a smile, opening the door for you. You carefully sat inside- for your sake and the car’s- and gathered your dress inside so Tony wouldn’t close it in the door. Pepper turned around in her seat to look at you.

“Everything is going to be fine,” she said with a smile. “You’re going to have a lot of fun, I promise.”

You tried to smile back, but you weren’t sure how convincing it was. Tony got in the driver’s seat and you were off, headed towards Midtown and there was no turning back. What if this was all a mistake? What if you got picked on more after this? How would Flash treat you when he found out he wasn’t the richest kid in the school anymore? What if you had to watch Liz and Peter dance together? What if you saw them kiss?

You pushed the thought out of your head, and decided to try to distract yourself by pulling out your phone and sending a text to Ned.

Obviously going to be late, but I’m on my way.

yay!! peter and liz arent even here yet oh wait liz just walked in

You didn’t reply. You didn’t need any more details to overthink. Instead you opened Snapchat and took a selfie, adding a little “Homecoming ♡” caption and putting it on your story. You scrolled through Instagram for the rest of the ride, making light conversation with Tony and Pepper about their trip upstate while you looked at picture after picture of your classmates getting ready for the dance.

You managed to subdue your nerves for a while, but as Tony pulled the car up in front of the school they came back full force. Your stomach twisted inside you and your heart pounded in your ears as you looked out the window and saw every student standing outside or close enough to the windows to see the Maserati staring at you. They just didn’t know it was you yet. Pepper turned around to look at you again.

“Knock ‘em dead,” she said. “And call me in the morning.”

“I will,” you said, leaning forward and kissing her on the cheek. “Thank you.”

Tony got out of the car and opened your door for you. You heard the instant murmur of recognition from your classmates, but you forced yourself to ignore it as Tony helped you out of the car and onto the sidewalk.

“Work the problem until it’s fixed,” he said quietly, kissing you on the cheek as well. He got back in the car and rolled down the window. “Have a nice night, sweetie!” he said, loud enough for everyone to hear. He didn’t usually call you by pet names like that, but you knew exactly what game he was playing.

“Thanks Uncle Tony!” you called as he drove off. Then you turned and faced the school. All eyes were on you, but you didn’t make eye contact with anyone. You were afraid you’d lose your small burst of courage if you did. Instead, you focused solely on the door handles, not looking away from them as you walked up the steps. Everyone grew quiet again as you walked past those standing outside, the only things you heard were the traffic behind you and the muffled thumping of the bass coming from the speakers in the gym.

You reached the door at last and pulled it open, music, laughter, and conversation bursting from inside. You walked into the gym, painfully aware of how many eyes were on you, and how quickly the news was spreading that you’d just been dropped off by Tony Stark.

You frantically searched the crowd for a friendly face, and your eyes fell on Michelle, standing by herself near the edge of the dance floor. You made your way over to her, more than happy to be in the company of someone non-judgemental.

“Well, well, well,” she said with a smile when she saw you. “I’m almost Starked- sorry, shocked that you showed up.” You rolled your eyes at her lame joke.

“Pepper can be pretty convincing,” you said, smiling back. It felt good to be able to talk about your life without worrying about keeping your secret. “I love your dress.” Leave it to Michelle to wear something completely surprising, yet not surprising at all.

“Me?” Michelle laughed. “You look like you just stepped off a red carpet!”

“Well, y’know…” you said, averting your eyes. Then something caught your attention.

Liz was standing on the dance floor with a couple of friends, visibly upset. You looked around, but Peter was nowhere to be found.

“What’s up with Liz?” you asked Michelle. “Where’s Peter?”

“Beats me,” Michelle replied with a shrug. “We saw him for like, half a second and then he went running off. Ned disappeared a few minutes later. It was weird.”

“Yeah…that’s weird,” you said, growing worried. “Hey, I’m going to run to the bathroom, okay?” You didn’t wait for a response as you hurried out of the gym.

“Bathroom’s that way!” you heard Michelle call behind you, but you didn’t stop.

You pushed the door open and stepped into the dark hallway, but before you could call Ned and ask him what the hell was going on, you saw him being led in the direction of the principal’s office.

“Ned, wha-”

“The vulture has landed,” Ned cut you off, eyes wide and frantic. “The vulture has landed!”

Catching his meaning, you immediately pulled out your phone, dialing Tony’s number and pushing your way through the crowd of students back to the front door. It went straight to voicemail. Shit. You dialed Pepper’s number, but it also went to voicemail. They must be going through security at the airport. You dialed Happy’s number, and crossed your fingers as it rang, but he didn’t pick up.

“Damnit!” you said, pushing your way out the front door.

You were met with gasps and exclamations, and you looked up to see a giant fireball streaking its way across the sky.

“Oh my god, PURDUE get my suit here as fast as you can!” you said.

“Two minutes until suit arrival,” PURDUE told you.

You watched with everyone else as the flames ripped through the night sky. Somehow, you knew Peter was on that plane. You tried Happy’s phone again, but he still didn’t pick up. Soon, you saw your suit headed toward you, and you hurried down the steps to meet it. It landed on the sidewalk and opened itself up. You kicked off your shoes and gathered your skirt awkwardly around your hips, stepping into the suit. You didn’t have time to worry about comfort.

Students rushed out of the building to watch as you turned toward the falling plane, which was only seconds from hitting the ground.

“A grand entrance and a grand exit,” you muttered before taking off. It was a little shaky, but you quickly grew more comfortable with the controls. Being in the suit was like riding a bike, it became second nature.

You flew as quickly as you could toward the now-crashed plane, praying that Peter was safe. Coney Island was twenty miles away, and you had to take into account that your body was not used to the extreme G-forces like Tony’s was. You wouldn’t be of any help to Peter if you showed up and immediately started vomiting everywhere.

You were almost to the crash site when an explosion went off, and your heart leapt into your throat. To hell with G-forces, you flew as fast as the suit would let you.

When you finally reached Coney Island, Peter and the Vulture were lying side-by-side, both breathing heavily. Peter had blood and dirt all over his face and you did your best to not panic, landing beside him and retracting the helmet on your suit.

“Hey, hey,” you said, kneeling down beside Peter. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

Peter started to sit up, and so did the Vulture. You detatched one of your gloves and it pushed him back onto the ground, holding him there. He raised his hands in defeat.

“I’m okay,” Peter said, but he wouldn’t make eye contact with you.

You helped Peter lean the Vulture up against some debris and watched Peter web him up as you called Happy’s phone again, finally getting ahold of him. You saw Peter smile a little as he patted his pocket, then he pulled out a piece of paper and a marker. Peter wrote a note on the page and webbed it up next to the Vulture’s head.

“Let’s go,” he said, still not really looking at you. You flew him up to the top of the Cyclone and watched as he rubbed his wrist in discomfort.

“May I?” you asked, holding out your hand. He gave you his arm, and you checked it over for any sign of broken bones. “I don’t think you broke it, maybe a fracture, but with your rapid healing you should be fine in about… half an hour,” you concluded.

“Thanks,” Peter said, not taking his eyes from the wrecked plane.

“Do you… want to go to my place? Or do you want me to take you home?” you asked, trying to get him to open up a little.

“I kind of just want to be alone for a while, if that’s okay,” Peter said quietly. “You can go, I just… I want to wait here until someone shows up to take that guy away.”

“Okay,” you said, understanding. “Will you just text me when you get home to let me know you’re safe?”

“Yeah,” he said.

You stood up, unable to read Peter’s expression as you took one last look at his face. You wished you could do more to help him.

As you flew back toward Queens, you took your time. You thought about Peter, worried about him the whole time. You worried about how Tony would react to Peter disobeying him again. Personally, you thought Tony should be grateful, but your uncle could be a bit of a wild card sometimes. There was just no way of knowing how he’d feel about something until he told you. You worried about Peter falling back into his depression, having gotten another taste of the superhero life. You worried about Peter dealing with possible PTSD after falling through the sky on a flaming airplane.

Without consciously making the decision to go there, you found yourself on the roof of Peter’s apartment building. You knew you should probably go home, but you also knew that you wouldn’t be able to relax until you saw Peter again anyway.

As quietly as you could, you flew down to Peter’s bedroom window, sliding it open and slipping inside. You stepped out of the suit, which folded itself up neatly into a little cube. Your skirt fell back to your feet, and you closed the bedroom window.

You sat down on the edge of Peter’s bed and waited. You didn’t dare pick up your phone, because you knew all of your social media would be flooded. Instead, you entertained yourself by flipping through one of Peter’s Star Wars comic books. It wasn’t a perfect distraction, but it helped you pass the time nonetheless.

It was probably about forty-five minutes later that you heard Peter’s window open again, and you set the book down next to you. Peter crawled across his ceiling and dropped down onto the floor. When he turned around, he jumped a little at the sight of you.

“You and Ned have got to stop doing that,” he said, heading for his dresser. His face was still caked in dirt, blood, and sweat, and you thought you could see the residue of a few tears streaking through the mess down his cheeks.

“Sorry,” you said quietly.

“It’s kind of good that you’re here, though. Because I wouldn’t have been able to text you. Lost my phone tonight,” Peter said with a laugh that let you know he didn’t think it was funny at all as he rummaged through his drawers, pulling out clothes. “May is going to kill me.”

“I’ll replace your phone,” you assured him.

“You don’t have-”

“I want to,” you insisted. Peter looked down at the clothes in his hand for a moment before turning to you.

“I really, really want to shower,” he said. “And then we can talk, okay?”

“Okay,” you said. “Is May…?”

“No, she went to her friend Juli’s tonight, and they always go a bit too hard on the wine, so she won’t be home ‘til late,” Peter explained. “I’ll be right back.”

With that, Peter hurried out of the room, so you picked up the comic book again. Just under twenty minutes later you heard Peter’s footsteps heading back toward the bedroom.

“Hey,” he said, stepping back into the room and shutting the door behind himself. He was all clean. Bruised, but clean. His wet hair fell over his forehead and he was wearing a very soft-looking sweatshirt that made you want to hug him. He tossed his bloodied, homemade suit into his hamper. “So… Happy showed up and took care of Liz’s dad,” Peter said, folding his arms over his chest.

“Wait, that was Liz’s dad?” you asked incredulously.

“Yeah, that’s how I knew where he was going to be,” Peter explained. “I feel like a huge dick for ruining her Homecoming,” he said. “And yours.”

“What? Peter, you didn’t ruin anything. I almost didn’t even go, so--”

“Why weren’t you going to go?” Peter asked you, surprised. You scrambled for a second to find an answer.

“It’s not important,” you finally said, looking away from him.

“Well, for what it’s worth,” Peter said softly, “I am sorry.” You weren’t quite sure what he was apologizing for, but that wasn’t important either.

“There is one thing you can do to make it up to me,” you told him, pressing a few buttons on your watch.

“What’s that?” Peter asked, and you stood up, heart pounding in your chest as you held your hand out to him. Soft music began playing from your cube of a suit.

“Dance with me?” you asked, and Peter smiled.

He took your outstretched hand in his and put his other on your waist. You leaned into him, standing so close you were practically resting your head on his shoulder. His sweatshirt was just as soft as it looked, and this close you could smell his shampoo from his still-wet hair. You swayed together, barely moving your feet, and as the minutes passed you both relaxed more and more.

“I meant to tell you before,” Peter whispered. “You do look amazing tonight. Like- like an angel.” You could practically hear the blush that matched yours in his voice that, and you smiled into his shoulder, mumbling your thanks. You knew your hair probably looked like a mess after being shoved in that helmet, and you weren’t even wearing shoes, but it was sweet of him to say that anyway.

Maybe tomorrow he’d be officially dating Liz Allan, but for now, he was here with you. Maybe he’d never get to be Spider-Man again, but for now, he was just Peter, and Peter made you happier than Spider-Man ever could.

Maybe one day you would tell Peter how you feel, but for now, this was enough.

[heatherwitch]

I was wondering how you cope with the depression that comes with chronic illnesses? Im really struggling at the moment and I was hoping you had some pointers :)

That is a great question and if you’d asked me this a year ago I would’ve had absolutely no idea - but I’ve gotten quite a bit better. Here’s some things that slowly worked for me (not all of them are easy and some required a lot of sacrifice on my part):

STOP BLAMING YOURSELF. Trust me, I know this is easier said than done - especially with doctors trying to pin the blame on you (mainly if you’re undiagnosed). Accept that getting sick isn’t your fault, even if things you did led to it happening. Plenty of people do those things and don’t get sick. It’s not your fault.

Be productive every single day. I don’t care if that productive thing is cleaning the entire house or simply putting all those tissues and wrappers in a neat pile so you can throw them away at a later time. 

Do something to keep clean every single day as well. It can just be using a wet paper towel to wipe off your face, or finally brushing your teeth for the first time that week. Forget your standards for hygiene and be proud of yourself for doing something to help feel human. 

Get some fresh air. Spend the energy to get up and open your window, or go stand in the doorway for a moment. Try to get 5 minutes of fresh air a day. On this note - also try to get five minutes of daylight per day.

Get yourself a decent sized water bottle (one that you can see the level of). Set some drinking goals for the day and be sure to hit them. Start small and slowly build with time. 

Set aside an entire day for taking a bath or showering if you find it exhausting. Build up your energy. Find a good time to do it, so you aren’t in the way if you need to spend time chilling on the bathroom floor afterwards.

Do one thing that makes you feel useful or proud each day. Watch a youtube video on something cool, learn something! Watch an entire season of a show in a day - look at you dedicating that time to something you love! Text someone, talk to someone on tumblr. (I used to love leaving nice anons to people when I was having a really bad day)

Set long-term goals. Plan on walking outside sometime this week. How long are you going to walk? Is there anything else you want to do/look at while you’re outside?

Eat some healthy foods a couple times a week. 3 baby carrots? You’re set.

Try to find a new song that you like at least once a week. Explore new genres, find songs that make you feel good. 

Find a reason to get out of bed. Get some food you’re actually excited about eating for breakfast (who says it has to be healthy?), save that one episode and make yourself do something first before you can watch it, make gentle (or not so gentle) plans with a friend. Maybe they come over, maybe you take the energy to meet them somewhere. That is a HUGE step. 

Get some drinks with electrolytes. Trust me you’ll feel 1000x healthier because of science. 

The biggest thing that helped me was starting college. It was hard, exhausting, took 120% of my energy everyday. There were days I couldn’t feel anything except tired. But it gave me a reason to get out of bed. If I didn’t shower for weeks, it made me feel self-conscious in class. Now, I wasn’t to the point where I was suicidal, but it gave me a reason to live. It felt so good to be learning things and being around other people DESPITE being sick and trying not to die. It also gave me a schedule I had to follow. And being sick, I had no plans for the day after class, which gave me a lot of time to do homework. It gave my perfectionist personality something to focus on besides my inability to do the physical things I was once capable of. But damn it still took me almost a year in college before I started feeling okay. I kept on getting A’s, because school is where I hyper-focused. This quarter I’ll be finishing my second year of college and I’m only halfway to a two-year degree. But that’s okay with me because I have a course load that’s manageable, and now that I’m no longer depressed I can still get good grades without it being the only thing I care about.

Know that your depression is making your illness worse. You won’t be cured, by any means, but you’ll feel a lot better about yourself. You’ll know your actual limits - instead of the one’s your brain is telling you. It becomes so much easier once your brain stops telling you to hate everything about yourself. I still hate my body, I still hate these limitations. But I’m also so proud of how far I’ve come, and how far I will go and you just can’t feel the extent of that until you make it out of being depressed. You will feel better, you do have something to look forward to!

Once you start feeling a little bit human again:

Go meet a friend for coffee. Be really blunt with your limited energy and how awful you feel. Go for the most comfortable seat in the cafe, and don’t feel bad if you spend half the time in the bathroom.

Go to a store that you like and wander around. Sit in the aisles if you need to, who cares if people are judging you (less are than you think). Find some small things that light up your day, and buy them!

Go on a short road trip to someplace cool

If you’re youngish, try to hit a milestone you may have missed (me getting my license when I was 17 felt so good)

Go clothing shopping. Buy some clothes that feel good on your body - even on your bad days. 

Buy bath bombs, bath salts, face masks, etc. Make bathing and cleanliness way more fun!

Also, if you wear makeup - get some new stuff. I know wearing makeup made me feel like a completely new person and way more confident. 

Holy crap I went on a tangent here. This was actually really helpful for me because I never really looked at all the little things I did to make myself feel better. Hope some of this helps you out