#i’m house sitting and realizing that i am 100% NOT a dog person

[hanlimz]

i’m sorry for going mia everyone (moots, followers, non followers who see my cracked out ramblings on their tls by sheer chance). i’ve become a servant to capitalism (read: i started my job n have less time to write)

the hee fic is at almost 6k and heeseung has not appeared once 💀

but i do have a hee drabble that i’m hoping to get out before i move back to start college 💔

[seemasubash]

Though my feet may make me roam, my heart will always bring me home.

Most of you don’t know this but I’ve been away in the States since Jan 23 of this year. Losing Chelsea sent me over the edge and short of literally losing my mind, something had to give. I needed to be rescued.

And rescued I was, by one of the best people I have ever been blessed to have in my life. She put me on a flight and whisked me away to Philadelphia. Vishal, knowing that being on the farm alone with our almost 100 rescues was going to be a struggle, encouraged me to go and sent me off with love and hope that I would find my fire and return rested and resolute in my commitment to accomplish the goals I had set for myself years ago.

I spent the first week in Philly sleeping and eating. I was drained in every way imaginable. Then I started to miss home and most of all Chelsea. I would cry myself to sleep almost every night. Ironically, it got worse as I began to rest up. I would talk to Vishal every day and while part of me was in desperate need of a time-out the other part of me felt like I should have just stayed behind so he wouldn’t have to go through so much struggle and difficulty alone.

But deep down both of us knew that this was happening for a reason and even if we didn’t know why at the time, we had faith that God knew what He was doing.

After a month I decided to visit an old friend in Rhode Island, Dan Kesler. Dan and my ex-husband had worked together almost 20 years ago and we met on one of Dan’s trips to KL. We stayed in touch over the years through Facebook and a glance through Amtrak’s website found me on a 6-hour train ride to Rhode Island. When I got there, I met Diane, Dan’s better half. Little did we know then that both of us needed a change and a friend in our lives.

I went back and forth for the first two months between Philly and RI but found that my heart was very much at home with Diane and her family. But I started to get restless. I found myself asking God every day, ‘Why am I here? What should I do? Where am I going? Am I wasting time here when I should be home with Vishal?

Then I realized, ‘I need to make some money while I’m here so I can go back and exchange it for more money!’ And that’s what I did.

The last few months I did pet-sitting jobs, gardening jobs, yard cleaning jobs, any job that I could find. I cleaned houses, took care of people and their homes and their kids and their dogs. I saved every dollar I could find, and when I was in RI with Diane, she made sure I didn’t spend any money, offering to take care of my needs so I could save instead. I put all my earnings in my Bible and stayed focused on keeping in touch with our donors so Vishal would have enough funds to take care of himself and the dogs on the farm while still rescuing wounded and hurt strays when he was called on.

I worked so hard and saved enough to pay off our car. After seven years of not having our own wheels, we are finally proud owners of our Myvi, Zippy.

While I was busy earning, Vishal kept himself busy by taking care of business back home. He began to clear his personal backlog of things-to-do one by one. We would talk almost everyday about how we were not going to throw the last seven years of struggle away but that we weren’t going to reunite either under the same circumstances we parted from. That kept us both focused and committed to our own individual goals.

Over these past few months, we have both grown and accomplished so much, albeit separately. We did our best to support and encourage each other and to keep our promise to create the future we wanted.

Despite the new and busy life I was having in RI, my heart still yearned for my pack back home. I would ask Vishal everyday to put my call on video so I could see them. They were growing so fast, puppies into dogs, anti-social personalities into pack members, sick dogs to healthy dogs. Being around dogs in RI and observing the way they are taken care of by their humans was bittersweet, in while it was extremely heartwarming it also made me realise that back home we still have such a long way to go when it comes to the treatment of our canine companions.

Having witnessed such an appreciation for their pets made me realise that back home we are still a long way from giving dogs the respect they deserve. Despite the possibility of starting fresh somewhere new, deep down inside I knew I had to come home. I had unfinished business.

After flying for two days I landed back in KLIA where Vishal picked me up. We drove right back to Ipoh. I couldn’t wait to see the pack! I wondered…how were they going to react to not seeing me for six months???

Words cannot possibly describe coming home. The dogs ran to me and jumped all over me like I had never left. Their energy was definitely higher and some of the closer ones to me gave out high-pitched whining as if to express that they couldn’t believe I was there. It was so amazing the energy that enveloped me.

Dogs. Whether it’s 6 minutes or six months, they remember you like they just saw you yesterday.

What I came home to was nothing short of amazing. The dogs were fat and healthy. A bunch of them who had awful skin rashes when I left now had rich and thick coats. The farm was clean and there was a new pool. All the dogs looked happy. I felt so much love. It blew me away.

I don’t know how Vishal did it all by himself for 6 months. If it were me I would have gone mad! But he soldiered on one day at a time. Not once in the time I was away did he say anything like, “You need to come home”, or “Why are you still there?”

All he said was, “Do what you need to do and come home when you’re ready.”

I am blessed in ways I will never be able to measure.

Truth time - coming home was hard! I forgot the amount of time and energy it took to care for these rascals. We aren’t spring-chickens anymore and we’re starting to feel it! But this is a journey we can’t jump ship, and so we keep on moving, one foot infront of the other, one day at a time, together.

We have had to make a decision we aren’t too happy about, and that is to halt taking in any more dogs, unless it’s a dire situation. We are always hoping for more donors and sponsors to come onboard, and in the next few months I’m going to focus on trying to get every one of our pack sponsored. We hope you will consider sponsoring one of our kids so we can continue rescuing animals in need.

For now, I’m going to enjoy the company of my pack with Vishal on our farm away from the world. The universe has given us everything we need and more and continues to inspire us to live our lives with passion and love.

In the end, the only question you really need to answer is, where does your joy live? For me, it’s with my dogs.

[reminiscingtonight]

I saw that @vancityfire13 did headcanons for Wanda and reader having more kids after Tommy and billy do you agree??? How would you picture it? Of course I am the same año. I am obsessed with this idea I understand if you don’t feel like answering as well, I love you and I’m sorry

Ooo yes, I saw her write something about this a couple days ago.

I feel like for the most part, yes, Wanda would definitely want to have more kids after Tommy and Billy.

Knowing Wanda's past and how much she's lost, I feel like Wanda would definitely want to have a big family just so she could try her hand at giving her kids the "perfect" suburban life that she never got to live.

But of course, when the topic is first brought up, Wanda would worry about taking attention away from Tommy and Billy. She would be concerned that the twins wouldn't take the news of an addition to the family well. (She wouldn't tell you, but you would also know that part of her hesitance had to do with personal concerns that she wasn't a good mother. That, of course, was a big lie and you made a powerpoint just to show her how amazing of a mother she was)

You would try adopting a dog first to get the boys used to the idea of having a new addition to the family (I'm not saying that children and dogs are the same thing, but they do behave very similarly). Tommy and Billy, of course, were ecstatic about the dog. Although they would fight each other just to see who could take him out for walks, their fights were usually over seeing who could do the more responsible tasks. For a couple of 8 year olds, they were quite mature.

After seeing the success and how caring the two boys were to the dog, Wanda finally let go of her fears and happily told you all of her dreams about having a big family.

I can totally imagine Billy and Tommy being the most protective older brothers ever when you guys break the news to them about Wanda being pregnant. They would be rushing around the house, constantly asking Wanda how she's feeling, constantly inquiring about the wellbeing of their unborn sibling, constantly doing house-chores just so Wanda could spend more time resting.

And then once the baby was born (a baby girl this time, because we gotta balance it out somehow), they'd still be really protective --- like they would be totally fine spending a whole afternoon sitting next to the baby in the crib doing nothing --- but at the same time they would also be the type of brothers who would be really eager to play with their new sibling. You and Wanda would constantly catch them trying to sneak the baby outside with them simply because they thought that she would love to go on a walk with them.

And although she loved her big brothers, Tommy and Billy would be a little dismayed when the baby showed favoritism to the dog. But of course, their annoyances would quickly fade when they realized it was so much easier to steal her away with the excuse that the four of them were going to go play with the dog outside (which mostly just ended up with Tommy and Billy trying to teach their sister how to do things an infant should 100% NOT be doing while the dog casually watched them from his spot in the shade).

And of course we can't forget the powers. The first time she showed hints of powers, you thought you were going to die. Wanda was out getting some groceries while you and the boys were at home, just chilling away. One second the baby was sleeping peacefully on your chest. The next second she was floating in the air, giggling at all of your alarmed expressions. Billy would try to use his magic to get her to float back down, but every time she got within hands reach, she would teleport away into another corner of the house. If there was anything worse than a flying baby, it would be a teleporting baby.

Thus commenced a very intense version of tag (with the baby being the reigning champion, of course).

You, being the only non-powered person in the family, nearly had a heart attack when the ten minute mark passed by and the baby was still in the air.

And then when the front door clicked opened, signifying the return of the Scarlet Witch, you knew you were done for.

Wanda was about to give a cheery greeting when she saw three pairs of panicked eyes and the floating baby waving at her from the corner of the room.

You were just about to explain the predicament to your wife when Wanda, with a slight raise of her eyebrow, had the baby teleporting straight into her open arms. Wanda's face instantly lit up with a smile that matched that of the baby happily cooing away in her arms. After sending you a smirk, Wanda would let out a soft "Oh, you're mama's little girl, aren't you?"

[iwishicanbeagoodpianist]

the Wifilcon and the Winter Router

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x OC/Reader Summary: When Bucky learns that his neighbor has been stealing his wifi for months. Warnings: None A/N: I'm not a fanfic writer at all, this, like all my stories, are adaptations to fanfics. My original stories are not written in english, so this is also a translation. please do not repost my work

For an instant, Bucky thought that the knocking he was hearing was coming directly from his head, I mean, it wouldn't be the first time his mind played tricks on him, but he realized that the sound was actually coming, unluckily for him, from his apartment door. Oh no no no no no no no, I just got back from putting up with Sam for almost 6 full weeks, I don't need interaction with more people for now.

Bucky thought for a minute to ignore the sound, to wait for the person to give up and leave, anyway he didn't spend many days on this apartment, almost no one had seen him leave or enter the building and he had no contact with the neighbors, only with the lady on the 7th floor who once lost one of her cats, which ended up in Bucky's apartment, accidentally. Not that I found the cat in the alley and actually brought him to my apartment, it doesn't mean that I stole the cat, he was in the street by himself, I rescued him.

When the banging on the door stopped and Bucky thought he could breathe calmly again, a voice between altered and annoyed was heard all the way to the living room where he was sitting trying to overcome his third panic attack and fourth existential crisis of the day .

-"I know you're in there! I saw you coming in a few hours ago! I've been waiting for days for you to come back!"-

More out of instinct than anything else, Bucky pulled out the knife hidden in his right boot as he slowly backed away from the door. Do I really have a spy as a neighbor? Should I call Sam? Is he in danger too? Never mind now, you need an escape route Bucky, concentrate, third floor, window to the alley, 2 minutes max, the bike is parked far away, I'll have to run, but to where, rendezvous point, safe place, think....

- "for God's sake, open the door, I need you to pay for your fucking internet plan, I'm in the last season of my series and I need to know if Carolina died or not!"-

- "The internet?"- Between the andrenaline from escaping and the shock of not understanding what was happening Bucky spoke louder than an assassin, with over 60 years of experience, should have spoken. Oh, shoot.

-"Yes! Your wifi, I need it to finish watching my series"-

Whispering "wifi" to himself, Bucky tries to remember where he has heard that word before, this is what I get for never listening to Sam when he talks to me. But before he can continue his mental analysis of all the conversations with Sam about such stupid things as his favorite American Football team, the New Orleans Saints, that I remember, to how Antonio could possibly leave María on the last episode of the 6 o'clock telenovela of which Sam is a fan, his apparent "neighbor" spoke up again:

-"Jesus Christ, can you open the door? So we can resolve this like adults"-

Bucky resigned to the fact that he has given his position to the "enemy", walks to the door and opens it waiting for his death. Well at least if I die I won't have to listen to Sam again talking about Antonio and María. But on the other side of the door, there was a woman, who in her pajamas, very unthreatening but cute, was watching him as if he were a ghost but still with defiance in her eyes, in one breath she introduced herself and continued her speech about her complaint to Bucky:

-"As I was saying, I need you to pay for your internet"-

-"I'm sorry, but I'm not sure I understand what you mean"- mumbled Bucky.

- "Good Lord"- To Bucky's surprise his neighbor, pushes him and enters his home, well not so much a home home, more like the headquarters of his secret club, of which he is the president, vice president and only member, the point is that it is his place, where he can (and wants to be alone), as she lives here. This must be a dream, maybe I hit my head too hard in the last mission and I am unconscious in the hospital.

Crossing the room, Bucky's unwanted visitor looks around searching for something while whispering the words "I see you are quite minimalist, but maybe this is too much, someone urgently needs to look for some inspiration on Pinterest". She stops abruptly in front of the shelf where, in theory, a TV should go, while shouting: "EUREKA", she bends down and picks up a white device which has two antennas and like a million little blinking lights, damn, that looks like something out of a spaceship, I'm being watched by aliens? I'm being spied on by Kree?

-"This is your router, this is where the internet signal comes from, which I need you to pay for so I can finish watching my series"-.

Bucky, still in shock for the third time in less than 15 minutes, as he processes the idea that perhaps Thanos' unknowing twin is spying on him for a second invasion of earth and revenge for his brother's death. He can only nod to his now more relaxed and happy neighbor.

-"Perfect, thanks! I need to check the food I left in the oven, I'll talk to you later"- and as quickly as she came she left through the same door, leaving Bucky with more doubts than answers, peeking down the hallway, he realizes that she is the neighbor who lives next door, to his right. When Bucky comes out of his initial stupor, still not fully understanding what is going on, he decides to take his cell phone out of his pocket and call his own personal Google to solve his doubts about this century: Sam Wilson.

-"Hey Buck! What's up?"-how does he always manage to sound so happy? focus Buck.

-"What the hell is a router and why do I have one in my house?"- somehow Bucky manages to formulate, although maybe his voice cracked a little on the last words.

-"That thing's been there for at least two months and you didn't even notice it? Have you even paid the bill?"-

-"You put this in here? Without telling me????"- maybe Sam is also a Kree? Who can I trust now? It's all a trap?

Listening to Bucky's accelerated breathing, Sam tries to explain to him slowly, that in this century life without internet is not life, but obviously as Bucky does not even know how to set the alarm on his own cell phone, he was in charge of buying the router and creating the contract with the company so that, the 106 year old man could have his personal network at home. He had given it the name but he had not given it a password so that Bucky himself could set it up later. "I am an excellent friend, I mean co-worker, if I may say so"

-"Sorry man, after all that happened, we got called for a mission and I forgot to tell you, do you have your laptop over there? I'll help you set up a password, so your neighbors won't steal your internet anymore"- and with that comment everything started to make sense in Bucky's slightly screwed up but functional mind about the events with his seemingly non-spy and harmless neighbor.

Meanwhile Bucky was trying to remember his own password to unlock the laptop in front of him, also courtesy of Sam. "Bucky, when you learn about online banking and that you can pay your rent, electricity, phone and everything with a click of your computer, you will thank me". It should be noted that Bucky hasn't used that laptop once, like a good 100 year old grandpa he goes to the bank to make his deposits and pay his debts, which obviously consisted only of electricity, water, gas and phone because the man had no idea that there was a device in his house that spit out internet, apparently only his next door neighbor knew this. Buck tells Sam how he thought his router was an alien device and how he thought his neighbor was a KGB agent coming to kill him. "Relax Buck we all have undesirable neighbors that steal our internet signal sometimes", well undesirable is not the word I would use to describe her but ok.

When Sam finally explains to him how to connect his computer to the internet, Bucky can finally see the name that his wonderful co-worker, not friend, because he could never be friends with someone so stupid as to think that the name "THE WIFILCON AND THE WINTER ROUTER" was a good name.

- "my god Sam, you're such an asshole!"-

-"HEY! That's a great name!"- Sam responds with as much indignation as possible, he's the best at naming everything from dogs to wifis.

- "I can't believe you're Captain America, I can't believe we're even friends"- Bucky really can't understand his luck to have friends, well, co-workers whatever.

- "Well excuse me but we're co-workers..."-

- "Well, take this call as my formal resignation, bye"-

-"Wait a minute Buck..."- Bucky ended the call, to finish -his self-imposed- punishment of listening to Sam Wilson talk for over an hour. At least I asked him how to use the bank's website to pay for the internet. Suddenly, without warning and without explanation, the memory of his neighbor is lodged in his head, her hair in a ponytail, her reading glasses, pink shorts, her sweater from some university of which he can't even remember the name because he was watching out for other things... that she wouldn't kill me obviously, he was watching out that she wouldn't pull a knife out of her back and kill me right there. The message on his laptop indicating that he can now set a new name and password to his wifi distracts him enough to stop thinking about his sweet and cute non-spy neighbor and how she would look with her hair down and her glasses off.

Still with the sweet feeling in his chest and the desire to see her again he writes as the new name of the wifi, while laughing:

"If you want free internet, you owe me at least one free dinner"

After paying the internet debt and closing the laptop, Bucky gets up hoping to find something edible in the kitchen, while leaning over to look inside his fridge and analyzing how bad it would be to eat a fried egg with pasta and sriracha, he hears again a knock on the door, but this time it does not cause Bucky the anguish and anxiety that caused him the first time, but quite the opposite.

-"Open the door Winter Router! I prepared chicken pot pie for dinner"-.

[reidgraygubler]

raspberri blossoms (spencer reid/reader)

Title: raspberri blossoms Request: yes (by @broken-stardust) Couple: bi!Spencer Reid/gen-neutral!reader Category: fluff Content Warning: tbh none that i can think of. This is just a wholesome piece where reader takes spencer to pride :) Word Count: 2,917 Summary: Spencer comes out as bisexual to his best friend. A/N: happy pride month my friends! i wrote this in one sitting after not writing for a few days and it's really cute, hella wholesome. not much to say. thank you all so much for the support! i really do appreciate it. check out my masterlist!

{***}{***}{***}

It was hard to say how long I’ve known Spencer, but it’s been a while. We knew a lot of each other’s secrets and ins and outs of each other’s lives. He was my best friend, which I loved. There was nothing weird between us, which is hard to come by nowadays. I think we both needed that.

I knew he was gone for a work trip for the last few weeks. And usually, when he gets home from a work trip, he’ll come over to my house so we could catch up. That was my favorite, especially when we hadn’t seen each other in several weeks.

Spencer>Me: Just landed! I’ll be over in 45 minutes with some chinese food!

Me>Spencer: Sounds good! See you in a bit!

I smiled as I tossed my phone back to the coffee table. I kept myself busy by cleaning my apartment a little bit. It’d probably be a little bit longer than 45 minutes for him to arrive. The DC pride festival was going on and he’d probably have to drive through or around that to get to my apartment.

Just like I had thought, it was closer to an hour when Spencer arrived. I don’t know why he said 45 minutes, he knew how far my apartment was from the BAU, and he knew the traffic and cause of delays.

“Hey, hey sorry I’m late. I didn’t realize there was a thing downtown,” Spencer said as he entered my home. He was carrying two plastic shopping bags, each holding two styrofoam containers, which I could only assume was delicious Chinese food.

“That’s okay! I’m just happy you came!” I smiled as I threw my arms around his body. Spencer laughed as he tried to return the hug. “And that thing you’re talking about is the DC pride fest.”

“That would make the most sense. There were just so many people and detours. I never forget things, but I forgot that it was June,” he laughed as he placed the two bags on the coffee table. “I didn’t realize how many people would be around so late at night.”

“Yeah, pride is pretty popular, Spencer.” I looked over at him as I pulled a bag of food closer to me. He looked back at me with a small smile as I popped open the container. “How was the trip?” I asked as I began eating the white sticky rice.

“Long, happy to be home,” he replied as he opened his own container of rice. “How was your time while I was gone?”

“Boring, as always,” I laughed as I looked over at him. “I never know what to do with myself when you’re gone, Spencer.” I rested a hand over my heart to feign pain. Spencer laughed and shook his head.

“Well I hope you figured something out. Surely you have other friends than just me.” He looked over at me with a small smirk. I rolled my eyes before nodding.

“Yeah, you’re right. I do. But I just like hanging out with you the most.” I smiled as I leaned closer to him. Spencer laughed before rubbing the top of my head. I smiled before popping the other styrofoam container open, instantly being met with orange chicken. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply the scent of the orange chicken. “You know me so well,” I sighed happily before taking a big bite of the chicken.

“Of course I know you so well.” Spencer smiled at me as he ate the rice. A comfortable silence fell over us as we ate. The conversations between us were simple, but mostly about the case he just returned from. “Can I tell you something, Blossom?”

“Of course you can! You know that!” I looked at him, keeping my attention on him instead of my food. I had a feeling whatever he was about to tell me was very important and that he needed me to listen to him, and not on my food.

“I’ve just… I’ve been thinking a lot recently,” he started, looking down at his rice. He stayed silent for a moment, his mouth opening and closing every so often before finally saying, “I’m a little scared to tell anyone this, because there’s a weird stigma around this. But you’re my best friend and I trust you more than you will ever know.” He finally looked over at me. I could really read the nervousness on his body and face.

“W-What is it, Spencer? Is everything okay?” I asked, feeling nervousness grow in my body.

“Well, I, uh, basically. I’m bisexual. And I wanted you to know and to hear it from me,” he whispered as he quickly looked back down at the rice in front of him. I couldn’t help but smile as I looked at him.

“That’s it?” I asked, trying not to sound annoyed. He looked back up at me with furrowed eyebrows. “I mean… I didn’t mean to… There’s no reason to be scared. I’m not going to hate you or anything like that. I’m really happy and proud of you. I’m happy you trust me to tell me this.” I smiled at him as I turned to face him more. I grabbed both his hands and gently squeezed them.

“Really?”

“Why would I be mad at you!? You’re comfortable enough in your own skin to tell me that! Besides, I’d never be mad at you!” I fell over and wrapped my arms around him. Spencer laughed lightly before wrapping his arms around him. “You know what that means, right?”

“What?”

“I’m taking you to the pride fest in the morning.” I smiled as I looked up at him. Spencer looked back at me with a raised eyebrow, not sure if I was being serious or not. “I’m not joking. There’s two days left of the festival. We’re totally going. I’ll stop at your apartment to pick you up in the morning.” I smiled at him.

“O-Okay.” Spencer raised an eyebrow as he stared at me.

{***}{***}{***}

Just like I said the day before, I was at Spencer’s apartment around 10:30 am. I was ready to get to the Pride Festival with him. We’ll just see if Spencer was ready to go to the festival. I was willing to bet that he wasn’t ready.

“Spence! Let me in!” I shouted as I knocked at his door. I crossed my arms over my chest the longer I waited. A moment later, the door swung open, and I was met with Spencer wearing his usual clothing. A cardigan with a dress shirt, paired with a nice pair of dress pants. It was almost 100 degrees outside. “You should change.”

“What!? Why? You should change,” he nodded at what I was wearing. I was wearing a black jumpsuit, matched with a pair of fishnets. Personally, it was nice to wear something like this in the weather we were having on this particular June morning, soon to be afternoon.

“Why should I change? We’re going to a festival, in 100 degree weather! We’re going to be outside all day, Spencer.” I looked back at him with raised brows. He shrugged as he looked at my face. “Come on, we’re stopping at the store on the way to the festival. You’re not wearing that to it,” I muttered as I grabbed his hand. I dragged him out of the apartment building and towards my car.

After a quick stop at the store, and an outfit change later, we were at the pride festival. Spencer walked close to me as we walked around the festival. Or well he tried to keep up with me, mostly because I was basically prancing around from booth to booth, letting my excitement get the better of me.

Honestly, it was hard to not be so excited. There was just so much to look at all around. I think the most exciting thing I saw was how many dogs there were, and how many of them were wearing rainbow and pride bandanas.

“Blossom! Hold on!” Spencer shouted as I stopped at one booth. I turned and looked at him, holding up a bumble-bee pin with the bi flag painted on it.

“Look at this! You should get it for your bag! Who am I kidding?! I’ll buy it for you!” I exclaimed as I pulled out the correct amount. I quickly paid for the pin before turning to face Spencer.

“Blossom,” Spencer started as I tried to pin the bumble-bee to his shirt.

“Oh! I heard that there was this drag queen at this year’s fest! She’s doing makeovers for people! We should see if she can give you one!” I clapped my hands together as I looked up at him.

“I-I…” He started, only to fail as I grabbed his hands and dragged him across the festival. “Can we slow down! Holy cow!” He shouted as we ran past several people wearing almost, close to, nothing.

“You’re no fun,” I muttered as I looked over at him. He shrugged as he began to play catch up with his breathing. “C’mon I think the booth is over here.” I pulled him deeper into a small crowd.

And just as I thought, the drag queen giving makeovers was in the middle of the crowd. She was just finishing up someone’s make-up when we got to the front of the crowd. The second she saw Spencer, she was in our faces.

“You!” A shout came from the middle of the booth. I looked towards where the shout came from and was met with the drag queen. “Baby! You’re easy on the eye.” The drag queen spoke, her tone sultry as she spoke. “Your cheekbones are beautiful, Baby!” She lifted her hands and cupped Spencer’s face. I looked over at him with a smile as he looked back at me. He had an expression of pure terror on his face as he looked at me. “So sharp they could cut a man.” She marveled at his cheekbones for a moment longer, her fingers gently moving across his cheeks.

“He wants a makeover!” I shouted as I looked back at the drag queen. Spencer looked down at me with wide eyes. I knew he wanted me to save him from this moment, but I desperately wanted to see this happen. I felt a little bad.

“Blossom!” Spencer shouted as he was dragged away. I smiled as he was shoved into a seat. I already knew that I was going to get a stern talking to after this...

“What’s your name, Baby?” The drag queen asked as she grabbed a pallet. I smiled brightly as she began brushing blush across Spencer’s face.

“Uh, I… Spencer…” He nervously looked at me, then at the Drag queen.

“Raspberri, but you can call me tonight,” the drag queen smiled as she lifted her hand to Spencer. Spencer looked at her hand before holding it.

“N-Nice meeting you, Raspberri,” Spencer mumbled as she continued brushing his face with the translucent powder. I smiled the longer I watched the make over happen.

“Now, the only proper way to do eyeliner is so sharp you can fly away. That’s how I do it. See,” she leaned over to show Spencer her eyeliner. “If it’s not big, then how am I supposed to fly away from my problems?”

“I-I...”

“But since this is your first makeover I’ll only give you little wings,” she whispered to Spencer. He nodded as Raspberri picked up a black eyeliner pencil. I smiled the moment she started drawing his eyeliner.

“Ow! You stabbed me!” Spencer shouted as he jumped. I threw my hands over my mouth to cover my laughter.

“Beauty is pain, and pain is beauty, Baby!” Raspberri looked down at Spencer with a small smile.

Spencer tourture only lasted 10 more minutes, and it was mostly getting his highlighter perfect. I was a little jealous of how good he looked. I could never do something so perfect for myself.

“Thank you, Miss Raspberri.” Spencer nodded as he looked at his new friend. I smiled softly as I quickly sprinted up to his side.

“You must be his Blossom,” she looked down at me with a smile. I smiled back at her and nodded.

“Yeah! You did a great job!” I looked back at Spencer before going on my toes to peck his forehead. I’m sure if his face wasn’t covered in such heavy makeup, his face would’ve turned six shades redder.

“I had a magnificent time giving this little Baby a makeover.” She smiled before pinching Spencer’s cheek. I looked at Spencer and nodded.

“We should get going! I’m starved and want lunch!” I grasped Spencer’s hand. Spencer gave one last thank you to Raspberri before being dragged away.

“That was interesting!” Spencer shouted as we walked further away from Raspberri’s booth and towards the food vendors.

“Well you look amazing, Spencer! I’m jealous of that eyeliner, and the highlighter, and… Well everything!” I turned to look at him. Spencer glanced at me with a smirk as he looked at the ground. “What do you want to eat? We can do hot dogs, tacos, and pizza! I’m down for anything! I’m sure they have anything too!” “Pizza.” Spencer nodded as he looked down the food vendor alley, looking at the pizza truck. I looked at him with a small smile as he took the lead this time. He brought me right to the pizza vendor, already fishing for his wallet.

“I got it.” I looked at him as I stopped him from pulling out money.

“No, no, it’s okay. Let me do it. You’ve already done so much for me today.” He smiled as he pulled out the money and handed it up to the cashier. I stared at him for a moment, watching as he got the pizza.

“We should stop by and get you a flag!” I clapped my hands together as he carried both slices over towards a pic-nic table. “I want to get one too!” I looked at him with a big smile.

“A… a flag?”

“Yeah! A bi pride flag! You can wear it over your shoulders like a cacpe! Or just carry it around. But where’s the fun in that?” I said before taking a big bite of the pizza. Spencer stared at me for a brief moment as I ate. “I think it’d look cool, with your outfit and makeup and everything.” I smiled at him. Spencer laughed lightly before nodding.

“How come you didn’t get a makeover?”

“Oh! Well, she seemed so much more interested in you than she did me… Bay-bee,” I mildly mocked the way Raspberri said ‘Baby’. Spencer laughed again.

“I definitely didn’t appreciate that too much.”

“Yeah, but you should see how you look! Spencer, you look amazing!” I shouted before I pulled out my phone. “We’re taking a selfie, right now. I don’t care what you say,” I muttered as I leaned over the table to get closer to him.

“Next time, you’re the one getting the makeover,” he poked me as soon as I snapped the picture.

“Yeah yeah, next time. We should finish eating! There’s going to be some queer bands playing down at the band shell! I don’t want to miss that!”

{***}{***}{***}

I looked over at Spencer as we walked back to my car. My feet were killing. All the walking around and standing that we did was very exhausting. It was like I was at work all day, except I was with Spencer and a bunch of LGBTQIA+ people instead. I’d rather do the latter all day every day instead of work, if I’m going to be honest.

Spencer looked purely exhausted. His hair was starting to get stuck to his forehead because of how sweaty he was, and his makeup from this morning was starting to sweat off. He still wore his bi pride flag like a cape with great respect, but I could tell the heat was mostly coming from that.

“The parades tomorrow! We should go to that too! It’s a lot of fun.” I smiled as I fished for my keys.

“Really? How’d you know that?”

“Spencer, this whole time I’ve been saying things about how great the festival is, and you’re just now asking? And boys and girls have both been flirting with me, and I’ve been taking it with great joy…” I placed my hand over my heart as I looked up at him. “I’m also bisexual, you dummy.” I smiled as I pulled the door to my car open.

“I didn’t know that!” Spencer shouted before he slipped into the car. I laughed and nodded.

“You may be a profiler. But sometimes the most obvious things go over your head… I swear,” I laughed as I stuck the key in the ignition. “Did you have a good day, Spencer?” I asked as I started the car. When he didn’t respond right away, like I was expecting him to, I looked over and saw that his head was resting against the window, and his eyes were shut. “Spencer… Spen-Aw whatever. You’re asleep, I can only assume and hope you had a good day,” I whispered.

I knew he had a good day. I mean… You don’t just sit down and fall asleep like that if you didn’t have such a good day. It’s a good thing he’s getting rest now. Tomorrow’s going to be an even longer day.

if you want to be a part of a taglist (lmk if ur 18+ for smut) or have any comments about this one-shot, let me know here

taglist: @itsmyblogandillreblogifiwantto @spencersmagic

@muffin-cup @thebluetint @misshale21 @spenciegoob

@ash19871962 @babebenhardy @flipperpenguins @kuolonsyoja

@reidspoet @mggsprettygirl @broken-stardust​ @rainsong01​ @beepbooptoop​ 

[bitch-out]

OKAY i know you didn’t ask for a full length fic but... i couldnt help myself. here it is: 

Four times Alex saw signs that the world was changing to become more accepting of people like him, and the one time he actually realized it.

1. TV SHOW

After finishing practice for the night, the band walked into Julie’s house. Luke immediately walked into the kitchen, wanting to see what meal her dad was whipping up. His obsession with watching lifers eat was starting to get a little concerning. Reggie followed after him, wanting to hang out with Julie’s dad. That was also a little concerning.

Julie plopped down on the couch next to her little brother, Carlos, who was watching a TV show that she didn’t recognize. Alex hopped over the couch and took a seat next to her, looking at the screen intently.

“What is he watching?” Alex asked, reclining into the couch.

Julie shrugged in response. “I’m not sure…”

Carlos looked over to her with a questioning expression. “Huh?” Oh crap. She needed to stop talking to the boys while other people were around. It made her look absolutely bonkers.  

“…what you’re watching! I’m not sure what you’re watching.” She said quickly, trying to avoid any awkwardness. “What is it?”

He seemed to buy it, letting her weirdness go. “Oh, I’m watching this new show. I forget what it’s called. It’s about this girl who accidentally gets musical superpowers after getting stuck by lightning.”

“Cool,” she answered, settling into the couch. She and Alex watched for a few minutes before looking at each other in confusion. They had absolutely no idea what was going on in the show. They looked at the screen as the main character sighed dramatically, slamming her door while running out of her house. “I’m lost. What’s happening? Why is she so mad?” Julie asked.

Carlos rolled his eyes. “She’s in a fight with her dads right now because they won’t let her go to this big party. Now shhh! It’s getting juicy!”

Luke’s eyes went wide as the scene switched to the main characters dads, who were sharing a tender moment while discussing their child. Two dads? On television? Without it being played off as a joke? He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the screen.

Julie looked at him inquisitively, noticing his surprised expression. She raised an eyebrow.

“I see.” A soft smile settled on his face. “Cool.” He bit his lip and leaned back.

“Cool.” She agreed. She almost said something, but then decided it would be better for her to wait for him to tell her.

2. PUBLIC DISPLAY OF AFFECTION

“People watching in 2020 is way better than people watching in the 90’s.” Reggie stated as they walked through downtown LA. They were killing time while Julie was at school. They passed a man in a superhero costume who was taking pictures with tourists.

“I know right?” Luke agreed. “I love looking over people’s shoulder and watching what they’re doing on those… high tech cellphone things.”

“Smartphones,” Alex offered.

“Smartphones, right.”

Reggie ran over to a middle aged guy in a suit sitting on a bench who was looking intently at his phone. “Look at this guy! He’s looking at an article called ‘How to tell if you have foot fungus’.” He wrinkled his nose. “Gross. You might wanna get that checked out, buddy,” patting his shoulder, his hand passing right through.

Luke looked around for someone else to observe. “Okay see the one over there in the blue striped shirt eating a chili dog?” He pointed over to his left to a man walking away from a hot dog stand.  

The man went to take a bite out of his chili dog but dripped it all down the front of his shirt. “Oooooh…. Missed his mouth on that one,” Luke said, cringing.

“That’s nasty,” Alex chimed in.

A guy who looked to be around their age speed walked past them, looking down. He brushed his shaggy blonde hair out of his face as he grinned down at his phone. He was obviously walking with a purpose.

“This guy is hustling! Cmon!” Reggie grinned, jogging after him. Luke and Alex ran over to catch up, all three of them following in pursuit. They all looked over his shoulder to read his text messages. He was texting someone he had named “babe <3” in his contacts.

Can’t wait to see u, his text read, im right around the corner

Reggie whistled. “His girlfriend’s probably a complete hottie if he’s that excited to see her-”

As they turned the corner, the blonde stranger they were following put his phone away as he caught sight of someone. He broke into a run and bear hugged the person, wrapping his arms around them and lifting them off the ground. As he pulled away, it was revealed that the person he was hugging was a brunette guy around the same age as them.

The brunette murmured something, his lips quirking into a smirk. The blonde teen let out a laugh, then pulled him into a kiss.

Alex nearly gasped in surprise, looking around to notice that… not a singular person was looking over. Everyone was just going about their day as normal. No glares, no sneers, not even a scoff.

It felt like the breath was sucked out of his lungs. Was this… normal? The couple broke apart and joined hands, continuing down the street. Alex couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face. No one had even batted an eyelash at the public display of affection.

To him, it hadn’t been that long ago since 1995. When even looking at someone for too long would get you called a slur. When his own father would call him a-

“Alex? You good?” He was broken out of his thoughts by Luke looking over at him concernedly.

Alex opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off by someone else.

“There you guys are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

They turned around in tandem to see Julie standing there, her eyes sparkling. And they continued with their day, moment forgotten.

3. MUSIC

Alex found himself once again alone with Julie, hanging out with her in her room. He was the only member of the band she would let hang out with her in here, which filled him with an odd sort of pride.

They were currently listening to one of her Spotify playlists. Julie was doing homework on her bed and Alex was tapping his drumsticks on his knee, following the beat of the song they were listening to. He was getting into the groove of the song “This song has a good beat!” he exclaimed. “What is this?”

She grinned at him. “It’s called ‘Girls like Girls’ by Hayley Kiyoko!” She stood up on her bed, dropping her homework and singing into an imaginary microphone as the chorus hit. She belted at the top of her lungs, “Girls like girls like boys do, nothing new~” She laughed as she flopped back onto her bed.

He gaped at her, surprised that she was treating it with such nonchalance. In the 90’s, this would have been music you listened to at 2 am when your parents were asleep. “Is this a… popular song?” he asked.

“Yeah, I mean it’s from like 2015 so it’s basically ancient but it’s still pretty popular.” She turned back to her homework and picked up her pen. “I think the music video has like over 100 million hits on YouTube or something like that.”

His jaw dropped even further “100 million?”

The timer on her phone went off. The words BAND PRACTICE blared across the screen with the chime of her ringtone. “I’ll show it to you later! But we have to go to rehearsal right now.”

He shook his head and followed her out of the room.

4. COVINGTON

As both his friends were pulled away by girls saucily dancing in feathered blue outfits, Alex stood awkwardly like a fish out of water. Covington slid up to him with a sly smirk on his face. “Come now. You can’t be the only one not dancing.”

“No, I… I know.” Alex sputtered. “I’m just…” Not into dancing with girls? No, he couldn’t just say that. He didn’t want to cause a scene. He pointed over his shoulder. “I’m looking for Willie,” he finished lamely.

Covington seemed to read him like an open book. He smiled and gestured with open palms. “Dante! Fuego!” Two handsome men slid up to either side of him. “Meet Alex.” The linked arms with him.

Alex looked at them, surprised. How did he know? Is this like a theater thing? Or… “You’re welcome,” Covington smirked, ducking down. Is this normal here…?

His thoughts were cut off as he was lifted up over Covington’s head and pulled into a fast-paced dance.

5. PRIDE

“Slow down Willie!” Alex shouted, running after his brunette friend as he skated through lifers and tore down the street.

Willie laughed and hopped off his board, picking it up off the ground. He waited for Alex to catch up with him “Relax, we’re almost here…”

Alex was too busy catching his breath to realize they were in the middle of a giant crowd. Lifers walked through them every few seconds like it was nothing “Wh-What is this?” Alex asked, looking around. Everyone was wearing colorful clothing and most were wearing some kind of glitter.

The skater laughed and grabbed his hand, pulling him toward the street. “We’re skating the floats, dude.” He pointed at the bright floats that were parading down the street.

Was this some kind of festival or something? Alex wondered. “Why is everything so… colorful?”

Willie looked at him like he was missing something obvious. “It’s June. Pride month.” Alex didn’t know what that was. He looked around, trying to figure it out. “You’ve never seen a pride parade before?” Willie questioned. Then, he realized. “Right. Right, you’re a 90’s ghost. I keep forgetting about that.” He slapped his forehead.

Then, he realized what this was. Alex turned to his right and saw two women kissing. A couple of guys his age were holding hands right next to him. Signs as far as the eye could see read ‘here and queer’ and ‘all you need is love’ and ‘love is love’ and countless other sayings. His breath stuttered in his chest “This is…”

“I know. Pretty cool, right?” Willie asked, sounding pretty nonchalant. He was scouting out the floats, focused on his task.

“And this is all for…” Alex hesitated, “For gay people?”

“All LGBTQ+ people, technically, but yeah dude.” Willie clarified. He grinned, his eyes set on a float just down the road. He found the perfect route.

“So it really is different now, huh?” Alex asked, his voice cracking slightly. Willie looked back in alarm, not realizing how much this was impacting the drummer beside him. A tear rolled down his cheek, but his smile could not be bigger. Alex continued, “Like I had hoped it was, and there’s been some signs, but this is…” He covered his mouth to hide a sob.

Willie walked over to his side, dropping his skateboard and taking his hand gently. “Yeah, Alex. It’s different. Better. Not perfect, but... a lot better.” He squeezed his hand.

“It’s amazing.” Alex said, wiping the tears from his eyes with his sleeve and grinning. He let out a laugh as a drag queen passed by and waved at the crowd, blowing kisses.

The skater couldn’t take his eyes off of Alex. He was absolutely glowing, basking in the atmosphere of the parade. “You know what? Let’s forget the skating.” Willie decided, taking his skateboard from the side of the street and tucking it in an alley.

“Huh?” Alex was confused. Willie wanted to... not go skating?

“It’s time to get your pride on, Alex.”

Together, they spent the rest of the day exploring every area of pride, ducking through crowds and sneaking onto floats. There was even one point where they ran through a huge glitter cannon, getting absolutely covered in glitter.

After it was all done, Willie teleported back to Julie’s house with him to drop him off.

“That was the most fun I’ve ever had.” Alex admitted, his smile seemed to be permanently glued to his face.

“Me too. I’ve been to tons of pride parades, but none of them were as fun as this one.” Willie admitted.

“Really? What was different about this one? Was it the glitter cannon? It was probably the glitter cannon-”

“It was you, Alex.” The skater said quietly, brushing a couple stray pieces of glitter off of the taller boy’s cheek.

“Oh,” Alex breathed, looking down at Willie. His heart was racing a mile a minute. He hadn’t realized they were standing so close together.

Willie hesitated for a moment. Was this the moment? He didn’t want to rush Alex. He was probably overwhelmed enough after experiencing his first pride. He smiled up at the blonde and patted him on the shoulder. “Goodnight, Alex.” He stepped away and turned to leave.

He was just about to teleport when he heard “Wait!”

Willie turned around Alex kissed him.

He stiffened at first, surprised. Before he could respond, Alex pulled away and looked at him in panic.

“I’m so sorry, I thought-”

Willie grabbed him by the lapels and dragged him down, kissing him heatedly. Alex responded with enthusiasm, wrapping his arms around his waist.

“ABOUT TIME!” someone hollered from behind him.

They broke away to see Luke and Reggie beaming. They both ran over and hugged them both in a group hug. “We thought you two would never figure it out.” Luke said, causing Reggie to laugh. 

“Happy pride, Alex”. Willie murmured, squished up against his side. And Alex couldn’t have been happier.

[awake-dearheart]

it took me a couple days but here’s a rundown of things sebastian said during the zoom call with his trainer don saladino and the march challenge group. he was on for an hour and three minutes total. keep in mind this challenge was fitness oriented so most of the questions revolve around that. this will also be LONG.

first of all he had trouble unmuting himself which was hilarious

he had a carboard cutout of the falcon with him which made everyone laugh

he loved being able to support ronald mcdonald house and he was sad they couldn’t go this year. sweet baby

when he was asked what he struggles with in his fitness he immediately said body dysmorphia. like no hesitation. he said he felt like he could stand to be less hard on himself.

he prefers cardio over other kinds of workouts.

he mentioned a role he’s getting ready for that’s “a lot different” but he laughed it off and said he couldn’t talk about it. i’m thinking it might have been tommy lee?

he tries to workout even just a little before he goes to set even when his schedule is crazy.

when he started training he had NO idea what he was doing. it took him a while to get into a routine and figure it out. he credited don with working a lot with him and finding a routine that works for him.

he feels better when he can do something physical every day. he said it really helps him mentally because the two go hand in hand for him.

someone said they were learning romanian and asked him for phrases to learn in romanian he said (in romanian) “oh my GOD why would you do that?” he also said he thinks people learning romanian because of him is “one of the sweetest things.”

he was asked how he balances training to look good vs training to feel good and he said if he’s training to look good he’s never 100% satisfied. training to feel good and setting short term goals has been better for him. 

don praised him for working hard to pivot his focus on the overall vs the day to day. seb said it was a lot harder when he started than it is now.

someone asked him if the workouts or the nutrition was harder and he immediately started talking about pizza and how much he loves a good cheat meal. the chat blew up talking about his cheat day video for men’s health. 

seb asked don his favorite cheat meal and they went on a tangent about burgers and fries and vodka that had us cracking up. seb said he went through a period where he was eating some kind of chocolate every day.

someone asked if he found it mentally difficult to go from one body type to another for roles and he said absolutely. he said if he has a shirtless scene to do then a month before he cuts out ALL sugar. fruits, carbs, everything and he turns into a very irritable person for about two weeks.

he was asked how the pandemic has changed his training and he said of course it has. him and don worked together to create a program for him to do from home with dumbbells and they had to get inventive. he’s been running a lot too.

someone asked the strangest item he’s used for weights and he said he’d go to the grocery store by himself without uber or anything. he tried to do one big shopping trip to last him for a week and half and he’d be laden with bags and it took him an hour and a half to walk home.

he told a story about using a towel and a bar in his house and he said “you probably know it because some “super fans” love to leak my address. so kind. lovely people.” the chat became v enraged.

he’s never had to get in shape on super short notice. marvel usually gives him about a 2 month heads up before he has to shoot things.

someone asked if he was a dog person. he said he loves dogs and he’d love to have one but he travels too much to give one the right kind of attention. he said if he could have a dog he’d have a bulldog or a husky.

he was asked his favorite nyc cheat meal and his first answer was “seeing all of you there” and we all cracked up. his real answer was a pizza place called rubirosa. he specifically likes their white pizza. (who wants to go to new york and get pizza with me?)

who would win in an iso squat challenge? him or don? (iso squats are when you drop into a squat and you hold it. it’s been the most hated exercise throughout the challenge). his face was HORRIFIED when he remembered what they are and he said don would definitely win. “don you have thighs of glory” the group is contemplating making shirts.

he played some sports in school but he wasn’t a super athletic kid. he struggled in school a bit because he had an accent and people were picking on him. it took a long time for his confidence to build.

celebrate victories where you can. he talked about when he posted that shirtless picture from the gym as an example. he said it’s more for motivation and pride in his achievements than about showing off.

he mentioned the documentary “the weight of gold” as something he watched recently. he said it’s a good example of people who are gold medal olympians struggling with the same things as everyone else when it comes to fitness. he comes back several times to not being too hard on yourself. 

he hasn’t lifted any weights in about a month and a half but he’s been running. he’s surprised at the amount of muscle he still has because he thought he’d lose a lot of it.

taking breaks when you’re working on fitness is so important. he says taking a week off sometimes is ok if that’s what you need.

they have talked about pizza at least 5 times at this point (32 minutes in) and it’s HILAROUS honestly.

he hates leg day. he knows how important it is because you need strong legs but he prefers doing arms and chest. “the squats can be so annoying UGH.”

someone asked him his advice for people who are starting an acting career and he laughed and said “quit all social media.” he walked it back and said you have to find a way to quiet the noise. 

this mfer went to theatre camp when he was 15 and he did MUSICALS. we tired to get him to sing. it didn’t work.

“you gotta do you. you cannot lose you as you’re going. and you cannot care what people think.”

he talked about imposter syndrome in terms of getting reviews and stuff. he said when he gets bad reviews it hurts but sometimes when he gets good reviews he can think “oh my god they made a mistake” or “oh my god i have to deliver like this every time.” he said if you’re starting out ask yourself why you want to do this and make sure this is what you want to do day in a day out. make sure when you face rejection and obstacles you have the energy to push you to get back up and say “fuck you i’m doing me.”

recommended the book “the subtle art of not giving a fuck” as something he loves.

“there’s creativity in everything. you don’t have to be a pianist or an actor or a writer. there’s creativity in all functions. as people we’re all creative.”

he went back to instagram for a minute and said to use it for the right things and follow the things that you like or are inspired by. he loves that social media can be used to reach people but you have to filter through the negative stuff.

someone asked the meanest thing don’t ever said during training and he said don’s never been mean but he’s always been inspiring and motivating for him. cute lil bromance moment.

he was asked if it’s harder to get into shape physically for the winter soldier or mentally. he said now it’s more of a head thing than it was in the beginning. the physically part was challenging for him in the beginning because he wanted to feel strong to build his confidence. he felt he couldn’t be bucky without being strong. 

civil war was his real hair but when they started filming it wasn’t long enough so he had extensions. by the end of the shoot it was long enough to cut the extensions out. 

the line between overtraining and not being motivated to train enough is hard for him sometimes. things tend to come all at once or not at all and it can be a struggle. 

he meditates and does some kind of physical activity every day at the start of his day. it makes him able to do the things he needs to do for the rest of the day better.

he thanked everyone for their support of tfaws and “making us look pretty good.” he’s very grateful for the turnout.

don says falcon weird. that’s not important but i wanted to mention it.

running is his go to thing. he feels like it’s a good meditative thing for him.  his go to pandemic workout was 100 pull ups, 100 push ups, 100 sit ups, 100 squats and alternating with running. we all panicked and were like “100 PULL UPS AT ONCE??” and he was like no no no no no no no no space that shit out during the day.

he loves breakfast but he doesn’t eat it at breakfast time. he joked he was going to eat breakfast after the call (which ended at 7PM). he likes anything with eggs and avocado. 

there are still directors he wants to work with that he can’t get to see him for parts. he did three audition tapes, two in person auditions, and a screen test to get bucky.

he just recently learned what “thirst pics” are (he figured out from the chat it’s thirst traps). when someone told him that picture from the gym was a thirst trap he was like “oh great well that sounds terrible.” men’s health didn’t call him until after that pic. he had reached out to them before that but that was the thing that made them call.

“make fun of yourself. you have to not take yourself too seriously.”

they both talked about how being able to do things like this is a privilege. there are always days when seb or don or anyone walks into a gym and doesn’t want to be there.

this is the part that made me emotional as FUCK. he’s had days where he’s gone to set and been like “what the fuck am i doing?” he says every time that happens he thinks “this is the time they’re gonna realize i can’t do this. this is when they’re all gonna know i’ve never been good at this.” he said in those moments you can’t just say “no no no i’m the best.” he said sometimes affirmations work and they can be as simple as “i’m gonna try to have a good day today” and it doesn’t have to be “i have to be the best version of myself.” it can just be “i wanna have a good day today” but on the days when you don’t feel good about things and don’t know what you’re doing he said you have to go there and say “ok i don’t know what the fuck i’m doing. fuck everything.” be in the thing that’s happening to you and give yourself permission to be down for a minute. find a compromise with yourself. if you can’t run the same three miles you’ve run all week and you just don’t want to, maybe you go for a walk instead. (his example not mine i DO NOT run). when he’s been in those moments of defeat accepting it had lead him to things he didn’t plan for and he finds those moments to be gifts in a way. accepting it and saying “today is that day” your body and your mind can start moving into finding other little things to do.

he came back to pizza one more time. i love him.

he recognizes how lucky he is to have the life he has. he says it’s important to pay attention to give a fuck about things and to give a fuck about things that will help other people. 

watching him talk the whole time he seemed so happy and relaxed. he seems like such a light hearted and fun person and he laughed SO much

that’s the end y’all. thanks for sticking around and reading all my hastily typed notes

[thesmokingguns]

Wendy and The Lost Boys

CHAPTER FOUR

WARNINGS: Mentions of smoking and drinking, there is sexual content so please be 18+

Tommy was twirling his drumsticks backstage getting ready to go on stage for the Halloween show. They were playing with Ratt at the Solari Ballroom and were supposed to go on in five minutes. The band had all dressed up as vampires for the set. Tommy peaked out and saw the place was packed. He felt a hand on his shoulder turning to see Nikki smirking at him. They headed on stage cheers rising up. The amount of chicks that were filling the club in their little costumes. It was going to be a hell of an after party.

Nikki saw the bunny ears and smirked knowing exactly what that girl would be wearing. He watched the ears bob to the front of the crowd bouncing along to the music and missed a fucking note when he saw Sasha, tits pushed up and almost spilling out of the Playboy bunny suit she was wearing. She looked exactly like one of his dirty dreams but she was there in person. Her blue eyes landed on him and the way she smiled made him almost fall off the stage. How the fuck did she look so good? Was it because he wasn’t seeing her everyday anymore? He watched her singing along to the music, her blonde hair shaking to the beat. If she kept moving like that she was going to pour right out of her top. As much as Nikki wanted to see that he didn’t want anyone else to see it. He said a silent thank you when she seemed to notice and tugged that tighter than life outfit up the half inch it could go. She still was pouring out of that top land he couldn’t focus on the set at all watching her dance in front of him like that

When they finished up playing Nikki wanted to yank her out of the audience but she was headed to the bar, her bunny tail shaking along with her, before he could grab her. It was like everything he was thinking she was already one step ahead of. He quickly headed into the crowd, trying to avoid the crowds of girls that all seemed to want to talk to him. Sasha turned a glass of Jack Daniels in her hand that she handed to him. Nikki was surprised but thankful as he slammed the liquid back in two burning gulps.

“Do I look like a magazine cover?” She asked him with a teasing smile on her face as he set the empty glass along the bar, nodding to the bartender that he wanted a refill. His hand was on her hip pulling her closer to him so she could talk to her without anyone hearing their conversation. Her long eyelashes swooping to look down at his hand and back up into his green eyes nearly knocked Nikki on his ass. What was it about her tonight that was making him so crazy?

“Why do you have to be the biggest tease? Don’t you know hard it is already without you putting in any effort?” He asked her, he felt her hand on his cheek and knew she was going to take the cigarette behind his ear. She smirked as she plucked it from him, Sixx opened the lighter for her, moving back and breaking the contact he had on her. “I like your costume but you know I’m a Hustler guy. I’m all about full nudity.” He threw back the comment from a couple months ago, watching the way that she smirked up at him. Sasha leaned in her lips kissing his earlobe with each word she spoke.

“I’m a Hustler girl in bed. You can ask my boyfriend about it later.” Her voice was like velvet and razorblades as she delivered the burn to him. At the mention of her having a boyfriend Nikki frowned. She flicked her ashes turning back to look through the crowd.

“What are you talking about?” He was getting angry with her comment. She didn’t respond to him, only finished her drink, taking a drag of the cigarette she had stolen from him. Nikki was getting riled up way earlier in the night than she had expected him to. “Do you hear me or am I talking to-“ he stopped talking when this blonde guy walked over wrapping Sasha up in his arms and giving her a kiss. And not her usual peck on the cheek she’d greet some of the guys with but she leaned into his arms kissing him deeper than Nikki wanted her to kiss anyone.

“Sugar Pie, I couldn’t find you during the show.” His hand stayed on her hip where the bassist had been holding a moment before. He wanted to know who this stranger was and why he thought he could walk up to Sasha like this. “Let me buy you a drink, sugar pie.” The guy didn’t even seem to notice Nikki standing there as he ordered her a drink handing it to the blonde girl with a smile on his face that the bassist was thinking about punching, “Are you going to say hello to your brother before we leave for the party?” Nikki was watching her face that she has masked in this perky smile despite her blue eyes being bored with this person.

“Yeah, Cherry Pie, why don’t you come backstage and say hello to Tommy.” Nikki butted in coming up with his own spin on the nickname the man had been using for her. She gave Nikki a pointed look making his smirk just widen knowing that the nickname had done it’s damage. The guy, who she had obviously come with, turned looking at the bassist like he was just realizing that he was standing there.

“OH! You just played.” He said nodding his head like he was understanding who he was standing with now, “Not my favorite music but you guys are a good club band. I could see you doing some of the Top 40’s with your chick singer. She was great.” The guy tucked a hand in his khakis before wrapping his arm around Sasha who had the biggest shit eating grin on her face as Nikki fumed at what the prick had just said to him. Be should punch that fucking asshole right in his mouth. They were already walking away, her little bunny tail shaking with each step she took. She turned to look at him over her shoulder and mouthed ‘club band’ before making herself laugh so hard she leaned against the blonde man.

Sasha was sitting backstage, perched on the side of the couch, her legs draped effortlessly between the college preps legs. His name was Len, short for Leonard which was the stupidest name Nikki should think of. Nikki couldn’t stop looking at the dumb bunny tail that would shake when she laughed. It had been two months of college for Sasha and he could see the way that she was changing. Nikki wasn’t sure that he liked seeing all the changes.

“Sugar Pie, we should get going now. The party has already started and I still need to pick up the keg for the house.” She looked down at the man on the couch who was staring up at her like a lost puppy dog.

“Why don’t you head over there, Len? It’s Friday night and I haven’t had any time to spend with my brother. I’ll take a taxi over later.” She didn’t really give him any room to argue as she moved her legs for him to stand up. The boy was flustered but tilted her head back letting him kiss her. The way her cherry lips attached to his, turning his mouth the same color as her lipstick had the boy flustered when he pulled away. Nikki watched her swipe her lip over her top lip and the guy swallowed. That fucking guy couldn’t handle her. He left shaken and the smile on her face was bright. With him gone the first thing Nikki did was slide across the couch so he took the man's spot.

“You’re not really dating him, right?” Vince asked, squeezing the bunny tail as he passed with a look of pure delight on his face at her costume, “That’s a real playmate costume.” She rolled her eyes at the lead singer. Leave it to Vince to be able to tell just from squeezing her tail that she was in the actual Playboy suit.

“He’s in the Frat that my sorority is close to. We’ve been out a lot together.” She shrugged her shoulders, her feet slipped between Nikki’s legs, one of her ankles resting on his left knee. He sat back, his hand sliding to rest on her ankle. He did it casually so it didn’t look like he was freaking out like he was inside. Fucking Sasha and her easy going nature were throwing the bassist off so much tonight he felt like he was in a fog, “And I got a job as a waitress at the Playboy club which is why I’m in uniform. So I have a favor to ask you.” She plucked the cigarette out of Nikki’s mouth that he had just lit to keep his mind off whatever game she was playing. “I work late a few nights and I don’t want to have to go back up to school so can I crash on the couch a couple nights a week?” She looked at Tommy who was already jumping up picking her up and spinning her around. The energy the drummer had at all times was absolutely insane. He woke up going 100 miles an hour like he was now.

“HELL FUCKING YEAH! You’re going to be back on the Strip with us!” He set her down watching the way she smiled at him, she had called a few nights from school and she wasn’t sleeping. He was sure she took the job in hopes of getting a couple hours of sleep a night, “I can walk you back too. That way you’re not out late by yourself because mom would kill me.” Sasha looked past Tommy to where Nikki was sitting on the couch watching her.

“Good. Can I sleep over tonight?” Her eyes didn’t leave Nikki’s and he looked away grabbing the bottle of Jack off the table. Something was almost aggressive about her tonight and Nikki needed to make sure he stayed ahead of whatever was going on. Which was going to be very hard because she was literally dressed like his fantasy.

“Of course!” Tommy didn’t seem to see the exchange between her and the bassist. Or if he did he knew better than to comment on it.

“Won’t your boyfriend get mad about you not going to the Frat party?” Nikki asked from the couch, he was grumpy like Mick usually was, and she knew it was because of her. Sasha smirked knowing her plan of making him jealous was working.

“I said we went out a few times. So he’s not really my boyfriend. Are you guys going out or back to the apartment for an after party?” She turned to Tommy as she swatted Vince’s hands away from her bunny tail he was trying to squeeze again. “Down, boy.” She teased giving the singer a look that made Nikki stand up.

“Apartment. Let’s go.” His hand was on her upper arm already dragging her out. He tried to put his leather jacket over her shoulders to cover her but she kept shrugging it off. “It’s cold.” He commented as a car drove past catcalling and whistling. When she blew them a kiss he turned to give Tommy a look for some support but the drummer was just laughing.

“Stop walking so fast.” She complained, pulling her arm out of Nikki’s and falling back a few paces. Vince squeezed the tail again. “Stop.” She smacked his hands away watching him smirk at her as the boys all got ahead of her. They were all idiots, she decided watching the way Tommy ran with Vince through traffic to a group of girls across the street. They were probably going to spread word about a party that was BYOB so they wouldn’t have to buy anything.

Sasha’s high heels clicked against the concrete as she walked and she shivered wishing she hadn’t been trying to make Nikki jealous of people looking at her. She could use his coat now that they had been walking for a few minutes. She looked up seeing the bassist waiting for her on the corner. Sasha reached out her hand smirking when he laced their fingers together and turned into the street. Nikki had slowed his pace, realizing she was teetering in the high heels. She leaned into him, her skin cold.

“You’re really working at the Playboy club?” He asked as they headed up the stairs. The way her hips swung side to side he could see why Vince had a hard time keeping his hands off her bunny tail. Sasha nodded her head, moving to the window that was open about an inch. She was glad that they had made it back to the apartment first. She wanted to sit down without hearing a thousand people talking over each other. “Aren’t you worried about what people might think?” He asked as she stepped inside. Sasha looked up at him, confused.

“What would anyone think of me being a waitress?” She asked him. Nikki didn’t want to say it was him that was worried. All the men that went to those clubs and her in that little costume of hers, spilling out so that eyes didn’t want to leave her. She could see his eyes on her outfit and she nodded her head in understanding. “Well, I’m wearing more than what Tommy wears on stage and I’m making more money in tips than you probably made for the show tonight.” He didn’t mean to offend her but there was this annoyance in her voice.

“I have vodka!” They both turned to see Tommy coming in the window, followed by a group of people all trying to push their way through. “Take shots with me.” He was pulling her into the kitchen, both of them laughing like little kids.

Nikki watched her all night only losing sight of her when his head was down to snort a line. She had been practically glued to Tommy’s side. They called him and the drummer the terror twins but the way that Sasha and T-Bone were together was even worse. They took turns pouring vodka down each other’s throats like water, they had set fire to the carpet when she pointed out a cockroach, and she was this wingwoman for him having girls feel comfortable around him so he could pull three girls at a time in his room- which he was sneaking away to do now. But as soon as Tommy left her she was swarmed by guys and he could see she fucking loved it.

He watched the way she would pull a cigarette from her pack and how they would light it for her. This party trick never ceases to make her laugh. At one point she was looking for a place to sit and someone had lifted her up setting her on the counter. Nikki had almost dove across the room when he put his hands on her. But he knew better. He was going to keep his distance because there was no way she was going to do something bad. He was able to contain it until some fucking guy leaned in whispering in her ear. He could see the pink blush sliding over her cheeks and only could imagine what he was saying. She wrapped her arms around the man's neck letting him lift her down from the counter and letting him lead her to his fucking room. Nikki was to them before they even had a chance to turn the doorknob.

“Get the fuck out.” He warned the guy. The man turned stunned to see Nikki standing there but the bassist wasn’t in the mood, “In the room, Angel.” he told the girl watching as she pulled away from the man and opened the door to Nikki’s room.

“I know her from school-”

“I’m not going to ask you again to get out of my apartment. If I need to make you leave it’s going to be a real problem for you.” Nikki warned. He could see the kid calculating the words being spoken to him. In the end the kid left and Nikki opened the door to his room.

Sasha didn’t bother to turn to look at him. She had her back to him, her hands tracing over his bureau. She had kicked off her shoes leaving them in the middle of the floor for Nikki to trip on when he woke up in the morning. Sasha had been around Nikki enough to know when he was angry and she had been pushing all of his buttons tonight. The sound of his door locking and the soft scraping of his chair against the rug to go under the handle made her heart catch in her throat. She could feel him behind her, close enough that the warmth of his body was radiating against her. His hands were on her leg sliding up the tights, chuckling deeply as he flicked the bunny tail, her hands still moved up, over the curve of her hips to the small of her waist where he squeezed as if realizing for the first time how slim she was, before moving up again.

Nikki wanted her. All the teasing and flirting with other men. Seeing her parading around in the bunny costume, kissing boys, the hands of men reaching out to get a touch of her had been driving him crazy. Then she had the audacity to try and take another man into his room. It was too much for him to take. He tugged down the zipper, without a word, letting the tight costume come loose from her body. She didn’t say anything, just stepped out of the outfit, watching as he reached out her to lay it flat on his bureau.

Sasha licked her lips, his hands were moving to her tights and panties that he rolled off herin one careful motion, laying them on top of her costume. The fluttering feeling was in her stomach and she could feel this weight between her legs of warmth as she thought about what was going to come next. Nikki turned her around, his eyes taking in the fully naked girl in front of him. Her tits perky with pink nipples already pointed, just begging for his mouth to suckle them. He wanted to leave purple hickeys all over her, marking every inch of Sasha as off limits to anyone but him. She was watching him take her in, her blue eyes curious as to what he was going to do with her now that he had her naked.

“I didn’t like you bringing a boyfriend to a show.” he told her, watching the way she rolled her eyes at him, “It’s not funny, angel. I’m not laughing. I’m not smiling. It’s not a fucking game.” he didn’t like how she was just looking at him smiling. Sasha reached out, her fingers stroking his cheek, her simile widening as NIkki’s eyes closed and he pressed his face into her hand. He was getting right to where she had wanted him to be.

“It has to be a game with you, Nikki. You don’t want to date me because you refuse to be serious with anyone. So it’s like a game of cat and mouse.” her nails scratched at his face softly, “Gotcha.” she whispered, making his green eyes flash open. He had played right into her hands. She had done everything to make him jealous and make it to this moment in time. Now that she was naked in front of him, the emotions rising all night what was he supposed to do.

“No one is going to win this game.” he warned her as she wrapped her arms around his neck. She was going to end up hurt and Nikki liked her too much for that to happen. Sasha shrugged her shoulders slightly.

“Why don’t you just kiss me, Sixx? Instead of reading off your warning label. I don’t want anything other than you to kiss me right now. It doesn’t have to be anymore than that.” she was lying to him and they both knew it. They both could see how they wanted each other, all of each other in that selfish way like kids who couldn’t share toys. NIkki had proved tonight that he didn't want her around anyone else. But she was giving herself to him and he was going to take it.

His hands slid to her ass lifting her up easily, letting her wrap herself around him. If she wanted to play with fire he was going to make her burn. As soon as he pressed his lips to hers in the desperate hungry kiss he felt like he was falling. It was like the first time he did drugs. The overwhelming comfort of something to get lost in. She surprised him with the wetness of her tongue exploring his mouth before he could slide his into hers. She kissed just as desperately as he felt. The feeling of her tongue round his, his teeth biting her bottom lip, pulling it closer into the kiss. How could he only have just a kiss? He pressed her against the bed, feeling her hands pulling at his clothes. Sasha didn't want anything between them. She wanted to feel Nikki against her, all of him without a barrier.

“Just the shirt.” he begged her as she went to untie his leather pants, “Just the shirt, angel. If I’m naked I won’t be able to control myself.” his mouth was trying to find hers again but she pulled away, the way she looked at him. Those blue eyes lustful and shining like stars, her lips pouting accented only from the fact he had been roughly kissing her, he was fucking screwed. He would have done anything she wanted at that point.

“Nikki, please, I just want to see all of you. I want to touch every part of you. Please, Nikki.” The way she said his name and how polite she was. He didn’t even realize he was untying his pants until they were bunched up around his ankles. “Oh my god.” It was worth it for that reaction from her. She gave him a shy blush then and he knew he needed to control himself. Sasha made room for him to come back onto the bed, her legs moving to weave with his as they continued kissing, like sloppy teenagers. His hands went to her breasts, the hiss she released, as he tugged at her nipples. She was so sensitive, bucking against him.

“You like this, angel?” he asked his thumb and pointer finger rolling her nipples, tugging at them and getting the soft throaty moans to come from her. Nikki used this opportunity to kiss along her throat. He wanted to leave little marks for that piece of shit college boy to find later. He wanted to see her tomorrow putting cover up on the marks or tying a scarf. He felt so possessive over the girl who was very much not his. He had made it clear he didn’t date and she had made it clear she still wanted this. Sasha’s hand crept up between them gripping Nikki’s hardness in her smaller hands, moving up and down  as she kissed him. Wet mouths so hunger for each other and desperate to make the night they were having to last for as long as it could. “A little faster, like this.” he moved her hand up and down his length, watching the pink of her cheeks as he bucked against her motion, NIkki was trying to open up her thighs, he wanted to dip his fingers into her honey and lick up the sweet taste of her body. But she was managing to keep her legs together despite the ache between them wanting him. Her mouth was hungry for him and greedy as she took in his taste. It was like he was made of alcohol and sorrow; it was all she could taste on his tongue and she was in love with it.

“Oh fuck, Sixx.” Sasha whimpered feeling his mouth move down, a tongue licking over one of her hard nipples. Her hips pushed forward making her moan as she pressed into the solid thigh. She was stroking him like crazy now, a puddle in his arms as they laid in the bed beside each other. Nikki could feel her wetness against his thigh and pushed his leg against her hearing her moan loudly. Thin layers of sweat were on both their bodies now. His hand moved to her back and hip, helping her grind into his thigh, the wet pussy of hers throbbing against him as he helped her ride him.

“I’m going to cum, angel, but I want you to keep riding my thigh.” she nodded weakly moving her hips like he was directing her to do. This build up in her stomach happening like nothing she felt before. To overload her senses more Nikkie was kissing her again. He was rougher now, his teeth gnashing against hers like he couldn't get enough. Their bodies mixed up buckling together as Nikki spilled himself onto her stomach, the warmth of his cum causing a gasp from her as he smiled against her lips. She sounded so surprised but the way she pressed her hips down spoke volumes to him, “Keep going, good girl.” he cooed watching her. It happened suddenly like she wasn’t sure what the hell was going on but she came, open mouth and moaned from her lips his name.

When she opened her eyes, she was gasping for breath and feeling like she was waking up from a dream. But he was there with her, tucking her blonde hair behind her ears, kissing the side of her mouth as if he knew she had just used up all her energy with him. She blushed looking at them both covered in each other.

“I would offer to go shower but there is a full party going on outside this room so all I can offer you is a tshirt to clean up with.” she nodded her head watching him get out of bed and pull a tshirt she had probably washed out of the drawer gently tossing it to her. He watched her clean up, this silence settling over them that he wasn’t sure how to break.

“We should probably try and get back to the party.” she was standing pulling on her underwear. It was obvious NIkki didn’t really know what to say or do, “I know you can’t do anything serious, Nikki, but I don’t want people thinking I’m just the chick you’re banging for the night. That’s just not who I am and it’s not who I want to be. But I’ll probably come back to sleep tonight if that’s cool.” she told him. “Maybe when you grow up, Peter Pan, I can be your Wendy.”  she teased reaching behind him to grab a t-shirt she could wear out to the party.

He let her leave the room, slightly baffled when she pulled out a beat up pair of Keds from under his be. She also stole a cigarette laughing as she waltzed out into the room of people like she had never left it. Only now he knew her differently. And she was covered in hickeys that were peeking out from where she tried to cover them with her hair. Nikki wished he wasn’t the way he was but part of him was grateful she knew that he wasn’t going to be serious about her. Even though he liked Sasha he didn’t want to disappoint her. It would save them both a lot of heartache if they just didn’t get together, he hoped; right now all he could think about was she would leave after the weekend and he didn’t know what happened at that college campus but it left his stomach turning. Nikki redressed not wanting to think about anything at the moment because for someone who usually knew what they wanted he had no fucking idea.

[peachyproserpina]

Wickedly Domestic

John Wick x OC

Chapter 3: Meetings and Breakdowns

TW: none

Maria was sweating, not from her run, not from the meeting with the most dazzling person she had ever met. No, she was sweating because she was speeding trying to not be any more late them she already was with her meeting with the fucking CEO of her job. She pulled into a space in the underground parking lot before she threw on her heels and booked it to the elevator leading to the lobby. She could feel her calves complain while her tits were basically bouncing out of her bra. In her rush to get dressed and get out the door she didn't think to even put on tights or a good bra. The drive over had been a mess, she never understood while she bothered driving when she had to go into the city, there was always traffic. If there was something you could count on when it came to New York was traffic and tourists. She had managed to not rear end multiple people on the way into work but that did nothing to help her anxiety, adding the fact she was running late to this meeting and she was almost t-boned at an intersection she was panicking.

She could feel the anxiety build up in her veins and makes her blood run cold despite the fact she could run a hand down the back of her neck and come up with a bucket of sweat. Shifting her weight from foot to foot, tapping her nails on the screen of her phone, she checked the time and winced when she saw it was already half past 7. When the doors to the elevator finally dinged open she bit her lip and huddled in the back corner, there was only one other person she recognized in the elevator out of the 4 people already packed in. She couldn’t place a name to his face but his drab attire screamed ‘accounting’ to her. She let out the breath she didn’t realize she was holding and started to tackle the mess that was her hair.

She was still sweating and nervous and she could tell the other passengers in the car were getting tired of her tapping her toes. So busy freaking out about being late she didn’t notice when someone slid next to her and started picking at her hair with her; taking out the knots she couldn’t reach. She froze, someone was in her space, the elevator was filling up and if another intern thought they could feel her up because she was “new and fat” she was going to have a breakdown. She turned to face the intruder and let out a breath when she saw one of her friends. Arianna was working on getting the knots out of Maria’s hair, worrying her lip between her teeth before meeting Maria’s gaze and smiling.

“How’s it going dollface?” Arianna asked while she was rummaging through her bag to find her hair brush. Maria let out an audible breath before replying.

“Could be better, aren’t we like 30 minutes late to this meeting? As region manager you should be freaking the fuck out?”

“Maria, didn’t you get the email update? It was pushed back to 8 am. I told you to check your work email more often.” Arianna chided her, tugging playfully on Maria’s hair. Maria stuck her tongue out at her and moved onto working on her lipstick while her hair was being dealt with. Arianna fussed with her hair before giving up and dropping it back on her shoulders, she was the sole reason Maria has this job. Arianna was the one who vouched for her during the whole interview process, if it wasn’t for her she probably be washing dishes in a bar. While that isn’t a bad job it isn’t enough to keep up on her car payments.

“That’s good I guess. At least I can get something to eat and coffee before the meeting.” Maria unlocked her phone to a barrage of messages from her various group chats. She could feel her anxiety come back tenfold, usually her groups were quiet this early in the day. If everyone was up and making a ruckus someone was usually hurt, or in trouble. She furrowed her brow while she followed behind Arianna, letting her lead her to the line of the little cafe in the building. Opening her roommate chat she scrolled through the 100 plus messages she managed to miss in the short elevator trip up about 60 floors from the garage.

She started from the top, Tubbs, her cat got out again and hasn’t been home since Maria left for work. She cursed herself for leaving the front door unlocked in her rush to be on time. Tubbs was easily 20 pounds and had a knack for opening doors. She shuffled forward with the line,Bradley, her roommates dog would probably find Tubbs skulking around the property before her shift was done, so she wasn’t too worried. Her other roommate Libbie, who was woken up by the incessant ringing of the doorbell approximately 30 minutes ago had been messaging the chat since.

Libbie: I swear to FUCK Mari if you dont fucking ANSWER THESE I AM GOING TO KILL YOU MYSELF

Cooper: LOLOLOL calm down Libs, she was late to work

Mari: I have no fucking clue what yall are talking about.

Maria was brought back into the world by running into the order counter. She smiled when she saw her favorite barista working behind the counter. She rambled off her order before digging around her purse for her card. She was stopped when Mike, the barista stopped her.

“Don’t worry Mar, it’s on the house, you look like you need it.” Maria gaped like a fish and threw a $5.00 in the tip jar before walking away. Finding Arianna sitting on one of the plush couches she settled in next to her, turning her attention back to her phone. She was barraged by pictures of one of the most breathtaking flower arrangements she had ever seen. Delphiniums, peachy roses, purple hydrangeas, and dainty white bell flowers were all arranged in a huge black speckled vase. From the pictures it looked huge. At least a foot tall and she had no idea how big the round arrangement actually was.

Libbie: look, the guy said these were for you and and these are so fucking expensive. I’m pretty sure this fucking thing weighs 60 pounds. All the delivery guy, who woke me up btw, said it that it was addressed to you and needed to be delivered ASAP.

Mari: okay>>??? It could be like a stalker or something! Maybe it's my mom!

Cooper: We all know your mom is too fucking broke to order this many flowers for you. Maybe it’s your secret sugar daddy??

Mari: Okay Ouch,,,, ur right BUT still. I am not hiding a sugar DADDY from y'all. You think I would still be wearing walmart sports bras if i did have one???

Maria put her phone and silent before she got up and followed Arianna to the meeting room. It was in the executive offices, she they had another elevator ride up approximately 15 floors. Maria nestled herself in the back of the elevator and nursed her coffee.

“Rough morning?” Arianna ghosted her fingers under her own eyes, Maria gently touched her face, wincing when she could feel the bags under them. Maria shrugged, a noncommittal gesture she knew drove Arianna crazy.

“Yeah, my roommate is fucking the twink again and they woke me up at 4 am. I wasn’t able to get back to sleep so I went on a run, then I found this puppy on the trail at the swamp. Then I took her home and the owner was like, so fucking pretty.” Maria took a sip of her coffee before continuing, lowering her voice and the elevator filled with more people heading to the meeting filtered in. “Then Tubbs runs away because I was so fucking blindsided by how beautiful the guy was and I thought I was going to be late for this fucking meeting and apparently a huge fucking bouquet of flowers showed up for me like half an hour ago?” Maria pulled out her phone and unlocked it, shoving the group chat at Arianna. The other woman let out a gasp before she took the phone and scrolled through the chat history.

“Who do you think it was?? I don’t know anyone in the company, or you never told me about anyone you were seeing with the initials ‘J.W.’ and how hot was the guy with the dog?” Arianna handed the phone back before taking a sip of her own coffee. “Because like, your taste in men is trash, ladies you do a good job, but you would fuck a skeleton if it called you pretty.” Stepping out of the elevator, Maria slid it back into her purse before downing the last of her coffee and tossing the cup into the recycle bin by the meeting room door.

“I seriously have no fucking clue about the flowers, and he is like hot, like.” Maria tapped her finger to her chin, “like Adam Driver! But like, classically pretty. Like the kinda pretty you would find in an old painting from like the 1800’s or something.” Maria smiled and stuck her tongue out at Arianna’s shocked face before walking into the office and settling in her designated chair, which was thankfully next to Arianna’s.

“You are the only person who would think a painting from the 1800’s is pretty. Let alone Adam Driver. Him and his goofy fucking ears. So unless you can get a picture I am going to assume he is gross as all the other guys you've crushed on.” Arianna swiveled to look at Maria who was rolling her eyes. It was approaching 8 am. The room fell silent as the doors to the meeting room slammed open, the CEO walked in followed by the rest of the executive team. Arianna snapped her mouth shut before swiveling back to face the front of the meeting room.

[naivesilver]

top 5 adaptations of the Fairy from Pinocchio? (or maybe top 5 best AND 5 worst?)

I spent so long staring at this and wondering if I even KNEW five good Fairies, but it turns out I do, albeit mostly for asinine reasons. Anyway AHFAKKJKFHAHJKJA thank you <3

Ask me my top 5 anything

Obviously under the cut because I couldn't resist and did BOTH

The salt AKA the worst of the worst first:

1) Piccolino No Bouken

Surprised? I suppose most would have expected me to put the Disney Fairy first, and I did, too, for a while, but as I was sitting in my car pondering this ranking I realized I was SEETHING with rage about this one, so I had to rearrange things a bit. This, guys, is where my Fairy hate begins - not the book, not the Mouse's interference. This woman.

I hate her. I hate her SO MUCH, for all that I love this adaptation more than most things in the world, and that the choices made about her characterization were a huge inspiration for me. Not only does she not send Pinocchio to school, instead teaching him on her own, she is the only one to actively keep Pinocchio from his father - indeed, she makes the choice for them, saying to Geppetto's face that it would be best for the boy to be taught something before he goes back home. Who the hell are you to make this call, uh? You have known him for a day at most! You left him hanging from a fucking tree all night! I wouldn't trust you with a bloody lapdog, nevermind a child!

Also she lets Pinocchio believe she's dead UNTIL THE VERY END. She turns into a bird while he cries at her tomb. Are we fucking serious now? Leave him alone.

(Yes, this is elementary school me howling for revenge. I've been mad about this longer than reason would let me. Sue me.)

2) Disney's Pinocchio

Bane of my existence. I don't know if anyone remembers that pic of me at the Pinocchio theme park I posted a while ago, but basically in that moment they were putting up a little show to tell children a little bit of the OG story, and they asked the audience if they knew what color the Fairy's hair was - a few said blonde, and I, being on stage next to her, distinctly heard her mutter "dammit, Disney". I've been living with that mantra since then.

Nobody asked you to make that puppet sentient, ma'am. He doesn't owe you shit. Aside from that, just like Jiminy Cricket, she ruined her character in a good two thirds of future adaptation. And while we're speaking of Jiminy, WHY did she think it would be a good idea to entrust a little boy to a slime ball such as him? He's too horny to have an ounce of sense. Conscience, my ass.

Basically...begone, asshole.

3) Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night

This film is so horrible, the Fairy had no chance to be decent at all. A cheap copy of the Disney one, with the addendum that she turns MULTIPLE toys into living beings while holding them responsible for whatever they do after. Basically Victor Frankenstein, but make it a poorly dressed woman from a direct-to-TV movie that shouldn't have existed at all.

-100/10, at least you're pretty, but by God, SHUT UP.

4) Once Upon a Time

Honest to God if she doesn't keep her filthy hands off my faves she's gonna get a slap across the face so strong her Wish Realm self ought to feel it sting. I am not exaggerating.

Seven seasons in, she hasn't done ANYTHING useful that I can remember. She's not even good at her own fucking job! Not only that, she's traumatized and guilt-tripped a good chunk of the population of Storybrooke, including first and foremost my beloved son August. The Pavlovian reaction I had every time she appeared on screen can't be described in coherent words, only in eagle screeches.

She's wrong. On principle, she's wrong. Let's move on.

5) Luigi Comencini's Le Avventure di Pinocchio

Doesn't rank higher only because she's played by Gina Lollobrigida (my beloved). She's book accurate, which means she'd be annoying as fuck as it is, but what little they added only makes her worse.

She has the gall to tell Pinocchio she'd like to see him happier. Like, apart from the fact that the ghost of his father's deceased wife isn't exactly the most reassuring person to hear it from...Said father has been swallowed by a giant fish. You told that boy he's only going to see his father if he studies hard. You keep turning him into a puppet anytime he misbehaves. What did you expect, that he would do the Macarena every time he entered your house? I am honestly too shocked to say any more. What the fuck.

.

.

.

Okay, I've been enraged enough for a single night. Let's move onto brighter shores!

1) Enzo D'Alò's Pinocchio

Enzo D'Alò knows what the fuck is UP!!! The only one with the courage to let the Fairy be a weird little girl - not only for a short time, but up until the end of the movie! That takes guts! Balls of steel!

I've said before that this movie has nothing memorable to it, and it's true, but also...Pinocchio wanted a sister so bad, and the movie gave him one. And they even explained the plot hole of the medallion with Pinocchio's face in it! That's twice as good as the fact that they cut out the most awful parts of her story, which is already delightful.

Thank you, Mr D'Alò. You have my trust until the end of days.

2) The Adventures of Buratino

Speaking of weird girls, this one is officially balls to the walls enough to gain my respect. She's bothersome to Pinocchio, but she's bothersome to everyone and everything, so I'll let it pass. Her role is exclusively to appear out of nowhere and do batshit insane stuff for no good reason at all. A star.

Plus, other than having an handwashing obsession that I've felt very keenly in the past year and a half, she also has a boyfriend - her and Pierrot are the original girlboss and malewife, I'm not accepting any criticism on the matter.

(Fun fact: when I was a young kid I once dreamt that the Piccolino No Bouken Fairy was dating a big, buff and blonde farmhand. He wooed her by gifting Pinocchio a dog. Apparently I've always been very interested in Fairies getting a love life and staying the fuck away from my specialest little boy.)

3) Pinocchio miniseries

"Serena, but you said you were disappointed in this adaptation so many times!" True. But consider: I am also very, very queer, and Violante Placido being motherly and wearing wispy dresses stirred SOMETHING in 11yo me that I can't very well ignore.

In hindsight, she and the Cricket probably had something going on behind the scenes, which is a shame. Miss Fairy, I swear, you could do better than Luciana Littizzetto in an ill-fitting green suit. She's gonna break your heart and lose your puppet charge in a crowd of little idiots. Do me instead.

4) Pinocchio Vampire Slayer

This woman kills monsters - and she's damn good at it! Honestly, so badass, and such a good mother figure too, even in trying times. I don't want to spoil the comic much to those who haven't read it, but she and Cherry are the highlight of the first volume and I am very fond of them. A+.

5) Matteo Garrone's Pinocchio

This one's book accurate, too, but Garrone did something with her that almost burst in tears in a crowded theater. She's awful, and irritating, but she's...she's so human, too. I can't rage against a Fairy that's so impossibly human even during the smallest of scenes. It breaks me over and over again.

Look at her SMILING, for pity's sake, am I supposed to think there's some warmth in the dead lady? Fuck you, Matteo, what did you do to me? I am an honored Fairy hater. You're going to ruin my reputation if you keep this up.

[carinyms]

We're three days from the Loki finale and I’m back to spout more meta and theories about episodes 5 & 6! It’s a long one (again.)

I really enjoyed episode five. People have complained that they felt it didn't do much to move the show forward, but one of the things I've loved most about this show is the time it takes to sit with the characters and learn about their backstory, their feelings. (I'm always a little bugged when critics say that an episode hasn't done enough to move the plot forward, because without adequate character development, why should I care about the plot?) I thought the pacing of it was really well balanced.

….and I have never been so nervous for a finale in my entire life. There’s a lot of reasons.

The first is just the fact that I’ve been waiting for this show for a whole year, and the anticipation and excitement of it literally helped get me through the pandemic--so when those final end credits roll I’m going to be a whole mess no matter what happens. (I really hope the rumors floating around about season two are accurate) I also just feel like it’s somewhat inevitable that this is our final farewell to Tom’s Loki, and like—I’ll never be ready, but especially right now, amidst all the rampant controversy around this show, I’m just not ready to deal with that. I have a *small* modicum of hope that this won't be the case, but it feels unlikely. Anyway, guess I’ll die.

I really want this show to stick the landing, so to say. I loved the last episode, but a lot of the response has been that it felt like a lull in the plot. I want this show to end in a satisfying bang so it can get the credit it deserves.

Also I’m a whole hypocrite eating my words from last week—I’m fully on-board with Loki/Sylvie now (not that I was ever really against it)--I’m not sure why I’m surprised. They’re so adorable and wholesome, and I’m in love with seeing Loki in love. It’s so precious. (Just as a PSA, if you’re not into them that’s chill, and you’re allowed to dislike a ship without trying to justify your opinion by labeling shippers as morally problematic. Selfcest isn’t a real thing, therefore there isn’t a moral high ground to stand on here. Okay? Okay.) Wherever it ultimately leads, their relationship is still a really sweet exploration of them both growing and learning how to love themselves and trust others. Also, them cuddling under a tablecloth is the cutest shit I’ve ever seen with my two eyes.

MY THEORIES:

I love Sylvie so much, SO MUCH — and she is 100% going to stab Loki in the back by the end of the next episode. I don’t think the betrayal is going to stick, and by the end they’ll both be on the same page again, but the conversations on trust have been way too one-sided for my comfort. If nothing else she's going to seriously consider it. Here’s one way I can see that going. Spoiler alert: it hurts.

Sylvie betrays Loki at one point—and we see Loki’s growth and arc come full circle as, even after being betrayed by the person he hinged his entire development around, he still believes in doing the right thing, in saving her regardless. It ends in a heart-wrenching self-sacrifice of some kind, and his actions serve as the catalyst for her full development as well. We keep seeing different versions of Loki die for their ‘glorious purpose’, just like how Classic Loki shouts the phrase as he was consumed by Aloith (RIP King, I love you).

Loki has already called Sylvie his glorious purpose (or inferred it). There’s been backlash around him saying that, but the way I see it, it’s less “I’m obsessed with this girl she’s my purpose now” and more “I believe that she’s the best version of us and I’m going to make it my purpose to help her succeed and be what the rest of us aren’t”. That’s why seeing all the other variant Loki’s at their worst in the Loki clubhouse (? what do I call this lol) only fuels him more to find her. I think about what Mobius told him: “You exist to cause pain and suffering and death, all so others can achieve the best versions of themselves”. I don’t think Loki truly believes he can be the best version of Loki — I think he saw Sylvie and thought, "it's her". He’s decided he’s going to help her achieve the best version of herself, but he'll do it giving her love and trust and devotion, rather than through betrayal, pain and suffering. He’s re-writing his pre-determined role, in his own small way. I’m so proud of him.

So who’s behind it all and what’s truly going on here? (This isn’t really one theory, more like a string of possibilities and I don’t really know how they’d fit together.)

I still think it’s another version of Loki. And if it is, I can’t help but appreciate the connections between his position dictating the end of time in the show in relation to Loki’s role in the Norse myths, where he’s the catalyst for the destruction of all things. It feels relevant, considering the whole idea that ‘the end of time hasn’t been written yet’ has come up twice now. That would be a fascinating tie-in to the mythology. (Also—Alioth looks like a giant dog. And Fenrir’s role in Ragnarok was devouring the world—I realize this is a reach but am I the only person seeing this connection?) The thing I really can’t predict is the motivation. What would cause a Loki to want to prevent Loki’s from changing? Was there something that happened in the sacred timeline this Loki is trying to preserve? (I also like the idea of us maybe seeing another version of Sylvie behind it all, but I’m just going to leave that rabbit hole alone. )

But here’s the theory I can’t stop thinking about. There’s a theory floating around tik tok (by user twelvepercentcredit) saying the ‘castle’ we see beyond Alioth looks like a place called the House of Ideas, something that appeared in a (discontinued?) Loki comic. Here’s the wiki page on it. Just looking at the imagery of this compared to the location we’re seeing in the trailers, it’s too similar to be a coincidence. The huge bookshelves, the towering ceilings.

Here’s a description from the wiki:

“The House of Ideas is also home to a library which archives the exploits of every hero who has ever existed in the form of books, written unconsciously by the collective minds of their believers. This collection is curated by Now and Then, two of the children of Eternity. Now and Then routinely seek out heroes to bring into the House of Ideas to bargain with them and give their collections more pages, therefore more time for adventures and exploits. “

And later on the page on how Loki ties in:

“Heeding the desire in Loki's heart to do more with his life, Now and Then approached Loki and brought him to the House of Ideas,[5] where they struck up with him the deal to give more pages to his collection of exploits, rewriting the Books of Loki with a hero's stories in exchange for an eventual hero's death.”

Are they gonna play with the exact happenings of this? I don't know, but it sounds pretty cool!

It would be gutsy to go this route with the show given how meta it is, but I love the idea of it. Would they put characters that embody the abstract ideas of “Eternity” “Now & Then” into the show in the last episode? I’m not sure. Something I could see as a possibility though is an alternate version of Loki having overthrown whoever was previously guarding the timeline, and Loki and Sylvie will have to take them down in turn, thus ‘releasing’ the multiverse to its default, chaotic state.

What if our Loki’s ultimate destiny, ultimate Glorious Purpose, is to release the timelines--restoring all the variants back to their original timelines--and remain in this place for eternity, guarding the timeline and ensuring the multiverse is allowed to exist in its natural state? It seems a pretty fitting role for the God of Chaos. It would also explain why whoever’s behind the TVA would be so desperate to eliminate all variant Loki, if that was his ultimate destiny.

It would be an effective way to remove Hiddleston’s Loki from the movie-verse without killing him, AND place both Sylvie and any other Loki variants back in the the main timeline for use in future films—which we know has to happen somehow, because Young Avengers is definitely happening, and Kid Loki has got to get out of the void somehow.

And yea, this outcome would hurt like a bitch. Because even though that would truly be a lovely glorious purpose for our Loki, he’d be alone. And the whole point of this show is that he doesn’t have to be alone! It would be a very poetic sacrifice for him to take on the burden of watching over the timelines alone for all eternity so that his other variants could be the best versions of themselves, but I really just want him to be happy. I will be crying my eyes out if this happens. I’ll be proud but I won’t be okay.

And this all is probably speculative nonsense and could go off in an entirely different direction. Who knows. All in all, I just really want to see Loki fully believe in himself and his ability, to truly absorb what he said about being stronger than he realizes, and to take control of his destiny.

WHAT I WANT (NEED) FROM EPISODE 6:

Let Hunter B-15 and Mobius team up to burn the place to the ground. She was nerfed in the time-keeper fight, I want to see B-15 kick some ass.

I kind of want Ravonna to escape and be a character that carries over into the films for her tie-ins with Kang? I want to see more of her.

Give Loki a new badass costume. I’m begging. If he’s gonna go down, he deserves to go down in something other than khakis.

And then I want to see him and Sylvie fighting side by side in matching outfits.

I want a Mobius-level hug between them. Or a kiss. Or both. But I want the hug more. And you know what? I want her to initiate the hug or kiss or whatever it is because I want Loki to experience receiving love and affection from others as much as giving it. He deserves it ok??

I expect Mobius on a jet ski in the post credits and if I don’t get it I riot

@marvel these are my demands.

As always, if you've made it this far I'd love to hear your thoughts!

[eleven-oh-five]

We lost a friend today.

When you’re in your 20’s, the last thing you think about is burying a friend. Sure, accidents happen but not to me, right?

Today I learned the hard way that isn’t the case.

After a night of random insomnia, I get a call from a friend around 9 telling me that he’s gone. I didn’t understand, where had he gone?

Then she said that he’s dead.

At this point I don’t know what to say and am in shock. Husband takes the phone and asks what she needs from us at this time and she asks that we come over. We quickly change, grab our shit, and are out the door.

Upon arriving, she’s making phone calls informing friends of the tragic news. Husband calls our friend’s boss, as he used to work for that company, to inform the news as well.

At this point the coroner hadn’t arrived and the body was still in the house. She says that she wants to go sit with him and asks me to sit with her, so I do. I sit with her until about an hour and a half later and we’re watching his body be placed into the medical examiner’s truck and drive away.

No one tells you that, after someone dies, you’ll have the body of the deceased in your presence for hours after EMT’s determine there’s nothing they can do. That they’re gone. This was not a quick process. For better or for worse, I guess.

I’m thankful that the children were with their grandma and will never have to see their father the way we did. The body that I saw didn’t even look like him to me. He looked like a stranger who was all the wrong colors, only vaguely looking like the man I knew.

Many friends, family members, and coworkers stopped by to offer support. Many tears were shed. Many memories shared. We laughed, we cried, we found solace in the silence. We also all became sticky, sweaty messes because it was 100° out but we still embraced one another.

Nothing in life prepares you for this.

When his mom arrived from out of state and the children came home, it was time to tell them the truth. They were suspicious and it couldn’t be avoided any longer. I asked her if she wanted me there or if she wanted to do this alone with mom but she wanted me there.

The children had recently lost a dog and were explained about heaven and generally understood that this is a place people and animals go when they can’t be with us anymore. I’m not religious at all but this isn’t the time to be worrying about my beliefs.

This, however, was much more difficult than telling a child a dog won’t be coming home anymore. This is their father you’re talking about.

As gently as possible, it was explained that their daddy got sick in the night and went to heaven. He wouldn’t be coming home again.

The 4 year old understood this in generalities but was obviously confused. The 7 year old instantly bottled up his feelings and internalized whatever he was thinking. When promoted both children said they had no thoughts to discuss at the moment, which is fine.

The children went to a friend’s house for the night to give her time to grieve alone and they’ll return tomorrow.

I realized when I got home that imposter syndrome hit me pretty hard. I didn’t feel like I belonged there despite being like family to my friends and they’re like family to husband and I, too. When she wanted me there with her for significant parts of the day, I felt like it should have been someone else. I didn’t voice this or object to any request, it’s just something I noticed.

The days coming are going to be difficult. Today was hard. So, so hard.

I’ll never forget how he treated me like a person and not just husband’s significant other who he has to tolerate. He would teach me about his hobbies, which were also husband’s hobbies, so that I could participate in the conversation. While I didn’t always understand, he made a conscious effort to include me.

There’s so many little things I keep thinking of. Like how we’d always be a team on Smash and he’d put her and husband on a team because we kicked ass together even though I legit sucked at the game. Or how I surpassed being an auntie and became Momma Myiah to the kids because I meant more to him and them. Or how he nearly got kicked out of my wedding for being an ass only to turn around and have wood glue all over the back of his pants like a shit stain.

We were the first friends to arrive and the last to leave.

It’s just so surreal. He had so much more to live for.

Right now I’m just hurting and I’ll grieve in time. My husband lost his best friend and we’re all doing the best we can to cope.

[secretaccountt]

SKZ Roommate Headcanon

(Not me getting lazy towards the end 😞✋)

Felix

•100% always wants to cuddle

•He sends you memes at 3 AM

•”have you seen this one”

•”yes Felix, go to bed”

•definitely also ft you and tells you he misses you even though he’s a room away

•he’s clingy asf 🤭

•Scares the fuck out of you with that voice 🤩

•But you secretly love it

•PILLOW FIGHTS!

•Fortnite dances to distract you from homework

•”Felix please I have to finish this”

•”Just watch this one more”

•Everyone just assumes either you like him or he likes you

•You’re just really close friends

•You both joke about getting married in front of everyone to play into their suspicions

•You end up actually falling for him

•He always practices singing in front of you for criticism

•He teaches you piano

•Bakes all the time

•says yeet a lot

•He always asks you to do his makeup

•in return he does yours

•You play with his hair a lot

•HIS PONYTAILS

•You both stay up at crazy hours in each others rooms just talking

•expect picnics all the time

•Video games are a must for you two

•he’s very competitive

•you sit between his legs while he brushes your hair

•He loves all the compliments you give him

•You count his freckles when you’re bored

•”Y/N what are you doing”

•”Counting the stars”

•You watch him practice dancing with the other members

•sings you to sleep

•”CAN WE GET A DOG??!”

•Felix being the best roommate and friend you could ever ask for

Bang Chan

•He always switches between speaking Korean and English to you

•”Shit I forgot you can’t understand”

•You usually join his lives because the fans secretly love you more

•You see Chan as an older brother

•Arguments but not big ones because he has a temper 🤭

•”Chan the WiFi-“

•”I CAN’T CONTROL THE WIFI”

•Him giving you advice whenever you need it

•and when you don’t

•He makes you breakfast in bed

•Expect The Weeknd to be playing in his room at all times

•He tries teaching you Korean

•sings you to sleep like Felix

•daily runs

•”I’m tired Chan”

•”Keep going!”

•teases you about your crushes

•he gives his fans more attention than you but that’s okay because they give you more attention

•Stay ship you two together

•This is funny to you but not to him

•He wakes you up at like 5 AM everyday

•”Fuck off Christopher”

•over protective

•Has a billion pictures of you in his gallery

•you swear your mother had another kid and didn’t tell you because you and Chan are definitely siblings

•You’re not actually siblings-

Changbin

•Your house is always clean

•He almost never wears shirts with sleeves

•He catches you staring at his arms a lot

•”like what you see?”

•”Shut up Changbin”

•Lots of blushing-

•from you

•Walks out the bathroom after a shower in nothing but a towel

•Teases you about how blushy you are

•saying you wanted him was one way to put it

•Kills you with that damn smirk 🧎‍♀️

•Shows you new raps he wrote

•you usually sit in the studio 3racha

•you touch his biceps a lot

•you always compliment his singing because it surprises you

•”I’m a rapper, y/n!”

•”well you should be part of vocal racha!”

•He secretly loves the compliments even though he say’s he doesn’t

•You and him challenge each other to rap battles

•He always wins

•sometimes he lets you win

•Third wheeling him and Felix when they hang out

•”I exist”

•”we know”

•Gives you all his attention at home because he feels bad

•”Forgive me Y/n he means nothing”

•You laugh at his stupid jokes but you love him none the less

•You two eventually kiss by accident though

•You went to turn your head when he leaned over your shoulder to see what you were making not realizing how close he was

•it wasn’t really a kiss but your lips touched

•You both pulled away extremely red

•Changbin initiated it after coming to he actually kissed you this time

•You were surprised but kissed back

•Let’s just say after that you both gave into the tension and gave up your ability to walk for a while 🤗

•Both of you became more than just roommates

Hyunjin

•drama queen

•Likes cuddling!!!!

•Say’s he doesn’t

•you third wheel him and Kkami

•Lots of bed sharing

•you bully him for kissing Kkami

•”Shut up he’s a better kisser than you”

•”want me to prove you wrong”

•He’d run screaming from that

•you play with his hair because it’s so soft

•Kkami is more of a third roommate than a pet with him

•you’re surprised he doesn’t trip over himself with his long ass legs

•you enjoy watching him dance though

•Both of you watch dramas but he gets WAY too into it

•He ends up crying hugging a pillow

•yells at the tv a lot

•showers a lot

•comes out in only a towel

•mesmerized by his dancing still

•he 100% gives you weird looks when he catches you staring

•”Stoooop I don’t get you”

•Buying him americanos so he can sing and do his little dancy dance

•He spills it like he always does

•Cries about it

•a big baby

•even worse because you baby him

Jisung

•Talks about Lee Know all the time

•100% has his clothes all over his floor

•including the bathroom, living room and any other room

•”JISUNG YOUR CLOTHES AGAIN”

•”THIS IS THE 12TH TIME TODAY”

•you being done with him 99% of the time

•you both chase each other around the house

•Pillow fights! (Like Felix)

•you’re both children

•he sings a lot to you

•you cook for him

•”My mom always said marry someone like you”

•”JISUNG”

•Loud asf

•even louder when Changbin and Chan are over

•Surprisingly a good cook

•somehow burns toast though

•he can’t make toast for some reason

•”you literally cooked a whole dinner and can’t even make toast??!”

•”toast is hard!”

•you tease him about his obvious crush on Lino

•”I don’t like him!”

•”Do too!”

•usually ends with him being all blushy and huffs while walking away

•You give him and Lino the “look” when they’re both near

•Changbin and you then tease them together

•Lino doesn’t mind the teasing but Jisung hates it

Lee Know

•talks about Jisung all the time

•walks out the bathroom naked

•”LINO!”

•”what?”

•never a boring day with him

•DANCING DANCING DANCING DANCING

•He comes out to you

•”No way me too!”

•Being besties

•Death stares anyone who’s mean to you

•Kicks anyone’s ass if they are mean to you

•over protective

•don’t ever hang with him and Jisung without a fourth person because you will not exist

•Not really he includes you when he remembers

•Dinner “dates”

•expect Jisung to come to a lot of them

•You try getting them together

•it kinda works

•In return he tries getting you with Changbin

•also kinda works

Seungmin

•a giant puppy!

•cuddles!

•He sings to you

•you enjoy seeing him smile

•you’re the reason he smiles

•caring for each other a lot

•like extreme levels of care

•comes into your room at night and lays with you

•could lay with him for hours

•counting stars in the sky at night

•runs inside screaming and laughing when it rains

•”we could kiss in the-“

•“NO!”

•”Joking!”

•He’s the cutest

•you sit on his lap a lot but just because you like when he plays with your hair

•Movie nights almost every night

•sometimes you invite over the others

•He posts you on stray kids Instagram a lot

•Get’s in trouble for doing it

•he doesn’t care and still continues to do it

•Has a lot of pictures of you

•admires you a lot

Jeongin

•Has a big crush on you

•you see him as a brother

•that doesn’t last long

•You’re both like middle schoolers with crushes on each other

•you get shy around each other

•skin care routines together 🤩

•you help him dye his hair

•”your hair is fried”

•”We don’t talk about it”

•His family loves you

•no one is surprised when you two start dating

•Still get shy around each other

•A lot of hand holding!

•Secretly really fit

•You help him with his school work

•he still doesn’t do it

•fails school but somehow still passes

•”Jeongin you were supposed to pass....”

•”I still graduated!”

•You two being soulmates

Woojail

•You’d never live with him 🤩

[parkjess]

Hey, I hope you are doing well. Can I request a astro reaction to their s/o having to take meditation for anxiety and depression, please? Okay, bye bye ヾ(￣▽￣). Please be safe! ☆ﾟ°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Thank you for caring and requesting!🥰 stay safe everyone☺️

Warning: if you’re sensitive about depression and anxiety, please skip this.

Myungjun:

Myungjun woke up next to you, shaken off his dream due to the bed moving slightly because you were stretching your arms to get your medication from the night stand, having difficulty with getting that, you let out a sigh.

“Baby, hey, is everything alright? What are you doing?” Your boyfriend taps on your shoulder to get your attention, asking with his sleepy voice. -“I’m trying to get... this.” Finally you grabbed the little medication box, he furrowed his brows and lightly rubs his eyes to open them fully. “What is that baby?” He takes the box once you swallow the pill, reading the possible reasons for taking these. “Y/n...” by now he’s already sitting straight on the bed near you, “why didn’t you tell me?” He pats your hair. -“I don’t want to be a burden to you, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, but it’s really not such a big deal.”

“What are you talking about? You only give me happiness and peace, come on, let’s go.” He says and kisses your forehead, getting out of bed and you do so too without even asking where.

He took you to a picnic day, suddenly left and took you home because he had something at work. “I’ll be back soon, okay baby?” He cups your face and kisses your forehead.

When he came back you hear some unfamiliar breathing, sounds like, a dog?

“Baby?” Myungjun calls, taking his shoes off by the door, entering the living room you share. You were sitting on the big comfy couch, watching Netflix with some chips and beverage of your liking.

-“Hey... how was work... toda- Myungjun what is that?” You chuckle when you meet the little poodle (I’m actually not sure if that’s a poodle in the pic lmao), the puppy had a cute, soft look in his eyes, looking at you as if he wanted you to take him. “This is a little gift from me to you, I know you really like dogs, and I don’t want you to feel lonely when I’m not home.” You now realize he wasn’t at work today but left you to get you a dog.

-“Myungjun... this is so adorable, I love you so much.” You say and lean in to kiss your boyfriend’s lips, talking the dog in your arms afterwards. He did it for you.

Jinwoo:

“Baby what is that?” Jinwoo comes closer to your shared bedroom, you were working on some project on your laptop, sitting near the desk, with earphones plugged in both your ears.

-“Jin... Jinwoo where did you find this?” You look up at him, not hearing what he asked you beforehand Because of the loud music in your ears. “I asked what this is...” his voice lowered, although you thought he was upset at you because you didn’t tell him you take medication for a while now, but all he was doing is worrying about you.

-“I... I am...” you tried to explain but the words didnt come out well. “Y/n~~ you know I get more worried when you don’t share with me.” He was slightly annoyed by now, since he loves you so much and doesn’t want you to go through this situation alone. “Can you promise me you won’t hide anything else from me anymore?” He bends down and whispers, kisses your forehead right after.

Dongmin:

“Lee Dongmin! Can you please tell me where we are going?” You yell at your boyfriend who was walking before you with his big steps that you couldn’t catch up with.

-“Were here.” He stops suddenly, not even breathing heavily as you do. “What the-“ you weren’t able to say as you panted due to your fast walking. “Okay... what are we doing here?” Dongmin knew you best, he didn’t even have to see your medication to know you’re taking them, or your current condition. The local park in your neighborhood was your favorite, the view of children laugh together, parents sitting on bench watching their mini versions, sun sets slowly, all of these was making you stay at peace. And ofcourse your boyfriend was the only one who knew all of those little details about you, like nobody else did.

“Why?” You ask, crossing your arms against your chest. -“Because you love being here, with me.” He says with a smirk spread on his face. “I sure love it, but Dongmin... why all of the sudden?” Simply asking, he takes a step closer to you, tucking a piece of your hair behind your ear.

-“I want you to appreciate everything you have, and always remember these moments with me, and with all the people you love who love you even more back.” While he was talking, you realized what he meant, without him mentioning the medication, or even the word that described your inner pain. Somehow, he managed to heal it for a bit, like a 1000 pieces puzzle, he was the 100 first pieces.

Dongmin wrapped his arms around your shoulders and brought you closer to his chest, -“You gave me forever, you can’t escape it,” he chuckles, all you could hear at this moment was his heartbeat and his calming voice.

Moonbin:

It was the usual weekly day Bin and you always go on a date. This time he took you for a weekend out of town, spending time together once a week when the two of you are busy the rest of the time is the best thing and you only could adore him for planning this.

Moonbin suddenly stopped, tired of walking for an hour, but having great time talking with you about life and everything that was going on lately. You sat on the cool grass, beautiful, pink flowers growing near, suddenly tears started to stream down your cheeks. “Baby?” Bin softly asks, moving the piece of hair that hid your face. “Oh my- baby, what’s wrong?” The tone of his voice became more nervous, you couldn’t answer but just nod your head. “Look at me, dear, lift your head baby...” he placed his finger beneath your chin, managing to lift it so you could look at him.

It never happened with him before, this anxiety attacks, and you couldn’t even explain it to him. But you wanted him to know what you’re going through so badly, so you pulled your backpack closer, taking the medication out. “Baby...” he lowers his voice, taking the medicine in one hand while the other is holding yours. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know-“. you cut him off by saying, -“No, don’t be sorry. Please, just hug me.” You say while sobbing, as he immediately obeys and hugs you tightly. “Everything will be okay, believe me, we will go through this together.” He whispers in your ear while hugging, as you stayed like this until the sun set.

Minhyuk:

Minhyuk was the sweetest kind of person around you, he liked to take you with him everytime he had something exciting to do other than work. Your boyfriend was aware of your anxieties thanks to Moonbin who told him because he was worried. At first, Minhyuk wanted to call you and tell you he knows, but he wasn’t sure if he should or not, so he waited for the right time to talk about it with you.

-“Y/n, wanna go down town?” Minhyuk asked when you just got out of shower. “Uhm... sure...” there was something different in his question, a sudden urge to go somewhere instead of just chill at home. And the fact that he was already dressed, and not in the usual sweats he wears on days off.

A night out with Minhyuk can’t be bad, it can only help you get the bad thoughts out of your mind. When you arrived, Minhyuk was trying to distract you from everything that might be too much for you to handle.

“Baby! Strawberries!” Minhyuk tapped your should several times, calling out excitingly since your favorite snack was strawberry drizzled with sweet syrup on top. You laugh at your boyfriend when he grabbed the stick with coated strawberries, posing for a picture.

-“Minhyuk... why all of the sudden?” You ask him when he takes your hand in his, walking slowly in the crowded space. “Ah... I missed being with you like this I guess...” he replies with his husky voice. -“come on, we went for a walk like two days ago, for 3 hours!” You chuckle at the end. -“Think of a better excuse.” You say and hand him your phone, this time you posed for a pic. “I know you have anxiety attacks,” he wasn’t able to keep it a secret from you anymore, finally saying it out loud when the place is getting less crowded. -“I know you do, Minhyuk. Just wanted you to finally say it yourself, I saw you looking in my bag this morning when you found the medicine.”

“The reason I didn’t say it earlier, is that I care for you, a lot. I don’t want you to feel depressed or lonely ever, and I’m here to make you feel better, I love you y/n.” It felt like he was confessing his love again to you, his sweet words made you fall for him like you did for the first time.

Sanha:

Sanha noticed you’re feeling different lately, and he didn’t want to ask you what happened since he knew you wouldn’t tell him because you don’t want him to worry about your condition. But he once saw the medication box you threw into the bedroom’s trash bin, instead to the bigger one, and he searched for it on the internet.

Most of the time when you’re with him, you feel much better, but he knows how depressed you are when he’s not around.

You woke up, he’s missing again, but his covers weren’t folded which means he’s at home today. He usually folds his covers when he leaves to work at home and leaves a note to you, and this morning, no folded blanket, no notes.

“Sanha?” You call out his name, looking for your y’all boyfriend around the big house. There’s a scent of something good cooking. Vanilla.

-“Y/n, you woke up!” Sanha drop the tongs on the counter and run to hug you, being careful not to touch you with the oily plastic gloves.

“Are these- churros?” You ask when you see the heart shaped dough inside the boiling oil. Your boyfriend hums and nods his head as a response, -“I planned to make you a breakfast in bed, but since you’re here now, you should taste one.” He leads you to the kitchen counter, it was a complete mess, but it somehow warmed your heart to see the mess he did, just because it was with good intentions. “What is it all for, Sanha?” You ask him while taking a bite from the heart shaped-chocolate drizzled churro, it was as soft as a cloud, a bit sweet.

-“I know you love this, and I know you’re taking medication baby. You should have told me, I want to take care of you when I’m able to.”

“Okay, I’ll let you know next time, but can we eat now?” You stick your thumb nail between your teeth and bring the other half of the heart churro closer to his lips.

His words made your heart calmer, he was really the cure to your current condition.

[makeupbychio]

goodnight n go // C.H

pairing : Calum Hood x Reader.

summary : you are a famous pop singer and one normal night in your life Calum literally came to change everything.

words : 8.5k

warnings : fluff, angst and swearing.

a/n : hi babies, so I tried to do this gender neutral because I’m trying to write things for everyone without specifying gender, sexuality, physical appearance, etc. Feedback is more than welcome. Credits to the owner of the photo, and the Instagram posts.

italics means song lyrics.

bold means posts on social media.

inspired by : that one second laugh Ariana Grande does in ‘everytime’ studio version and ‘goodnight n go’ live version. And these videos (links down below in the blurb)

You are a pop star, already part of the pop culture, on tons of playlists made by platforms. So your life is always on the public eye even when you don’t post in your social media the paparazzis and social accounts always doing that for you. It wasn’t like that at the beginning, the world barely knew your name, your shows were for 50 in the room, then 100, then 1000, now a whole arena and with two dates in some cities. You have learned how to deal with the dizzy things of being famous thanks to your fans, family, friends and your own power so at the end of the day you would not change leaving your heart on stage singing and dancing every night at all even when you know that it is crazy, yeah, it is crazy there outside. How people that you don’t know tells you how you changed their lives with your music, how you saved them, tattoos in their bodies inspired by your lyrics and style.

It is been crazier lately. You write your songs inspired by your own experiences or your loved ones experiences. You just finished a tour and after a good break for a whole season you are back writing and planning a new album. You were writing a song based on a reckless love but the song couldn’t make it to the previous album because you never finish it and you didn’t want it as an interlude. But you restart it because life slapped you in the face because 3 months ago you broke up with your partner. You are laying on bed looking at some pictures of you two together walking on the streets taken by paps. The light of the screen lighting your face. And god, how you didn’t realize tons of things?, in every picture you are looking at your ex like a fool completely in love but people could not say the same coming from the other person. You were in love, your ex really loved you at first but the last months of the relationship barely paid attention to you. That is when you remembered one of your fights.

“I waited for you for almost two hours! You could at least answered my messages or you could call me! So I would leave the restaurant and don’t waste my time on you” you said loudly pointing at its face when you came back home and acting like nothing happened. You were furious.

“I know, sorry I’m tired I spend the whole day with my friend I didn’t see him in a while” your ex sighed laying on your bed. “Don’t wanna argue”.

“I don’t care about your friend! You could tell him to hang out another day. It was a special day for us you asshole” you said giving an angry look and leaving the room.

It was supposed to be a special day that day. You were back from your South America leg of the tour and you received the notice of awards nominations so you decided to celebrate by having dinner and then go to the movies together. But your ex didn’t show up, and it wasn’t the first time. You just asked for simple things like going to the beach or just receive love. So even you were angry, you came back to their arms every time.

You thought that then a good fuck or a pretty face would fixed everything, but no. Your naive head at that moment thought that things were going to change, or that your lover was the love of your life.

Now you are looking at the last picture of you two that was seen together walking out a store and even bugs can notice how disillusioned your expression and body language are in that photo. You are hanging by their arms but looking at the floor with your head down. The other person also was trying to hide it with a cap and focused on the road.

‘Oh God’ you sigh at the picture knowing how ridiculous you looked. You lock your phone and throw it to your side of the huge bed now empty the other side. You are sitting with your legs crossed in your bed looking outside your window. It is late in the night so the city lights are your view and it reminds you that night when you called your best friend to tell her about you were thinking to end your relationship. She is always been supportive with you and every time you were going to make your decision you postpone it till finally it happened. You remembered that you cried a lot that night you saw them leaving your apartment and hours later you were still crying listening to sad music with your best friend looking at the roof. 

Now you decide to restart the song you left half done. Your dog joined you in bed, you went for a cup of hot chocolate and you start writing it.

+

The next day early in the morning you are in your way to the studio once you are ready with your makeup trying to hide your tiredness that you wrote till 3 am and put your studio outfit which consists on a big hoodie so big that the sleeves are always covering your hands but comfiness is first.

Your band and crew arrived and you have your coffee. Even when it is a sad song coming from your experience you want to put energy in this one like one of those nights you fought, how your blood was running in your veins and how deeply you knew that your relation was pointless but you were going to fall every time. The energy being aware of that but at the same time an energy by saying I’m done, I get over you but I know that I was a fool for you but not anymore. 

You explain that to everyone when all of you are thinking about the melody and beats. Most of the people in the room insist and show you a sad melody and you are starting to get frustrated because they are not listening to you and your idea you are looking for. 

You decided to move on on another two songs that you have complete. During breaks to eat something, drink water, go to the next studio and say hi to people that you know and fooling around with your own crew now it is dark outside and you are thinking to call it a wrap for today but the urge to at least figure it out the musicality of the song you wrote last night it is bigger.

But all of you are tired and ran out of ideas and your manager enters the soundproof box to tell you that the room is reserved for another artist from midnight till dawn. So you have 3 hours left to record this song or try again another day.

When you are talking to your favorite producer, who also is your friend, a tall man enters the room with headphones and the music too loud for not noticing the room full of people. When he saw the big group of people he freezes and apologies already leaving when you stop him recognizing him.

“Calum?” you said getting up from your seat in front of all the buttons of the huge synthesizer.

“Y/N?” he asks checking if this is real.

You nod at him and hug him because it is been a while, almost 2 years without seeing him. He is so happy to see you, the last time you were together was in an awards after party and you know him since 4 years ago when you met him and his band on an awards show that you presented his band and their performance and you saw it from the corners of the stage and waited to congratulated them because you are respectful with others musicians work, they asked for a picture and after that you have been friends but your busy life didn’t let you hang out with them but always exchanging likes, comments or messages on the dms on social media. 

“Omg how are you?” he asks you while he hugs you with his strong arms the height difference is notorious so he lays his right cheek on top of your head. He knows about your love situation, but to be honest he was not sad about that. Not at all. But he is not going to take advantage of that.

“Fine and you? Omg I miss you so much, what are you doing here alone?” you say to him confused not seeing all the 5sos boys.

“We are recording our new album and the guys should be here” he says checking the hour on his watch and then quickly his phone if there is a message.

“Finally new 5sos music!” you say and laugh.

“Yeah, we don’t have the ability like you to drop music every year.” he teases you.

“Hey!” you punch him softly on his ribs. “First things first, you can do that too if you want to drop music and second, actually right now I’m struggling with a song” you explain to him all of your situation when his phone rings. Ashton is on the other side of the line.

“Cal, we said at midnight!” Ashton said.

“Oh crap, I don’t know why I understood it was at 9 pm...K’...Bye, see ya’” Calum answers to his friend before hanging out the call.

He explains to you the situation even when you listened to what Ashton said. Calum tells you that it was nice to see you but he should be back at midnight but you stop him letting him know if he wants he can stay.

“Are you sure?” he asks knowing that maybe that could bother your crew.

“Of course Cal!” you say. And even when his house it is like 20 minutes away by driving he could come back when it is his band’s turn to use the studio but to be honest again he would really love to hang out a while with you. He always finds you attractive and your voice is one of the most angelical for him.

After he greeted the rest of the group he sits close to you listening your conversation with your producer.

“What if you add little adlibs and drums?” Calum suggests but he regrets if the producer would get angry. “Sorry man, I know it is your work and I am just a guest and-” 

“It is okay! Actually that is a good idea dude” your producer say asking Calum to show him what he said.

Calum and you enters the box and he sits to play the drums.

“Ashton is teaching me a little bit now that we are roommates” he jokes about it while taking the drumsticks.

“I saw that joke you did to Ashton! It was hilarious and his response” you point at him.

So you and Calum organized that he would play something in the drums first and then you start singing or reading the lyrics to catch the rhythm. He shows you a freestyle moment with the drums since he’s been doing that in his house to practice. The producer in the other side of the glass tells you from the speaker that there is a beat that maybe could fit. So once back again listening to beats ideas ordering to make that beat faster or slower, louder or pronounced then your band is working with the guitar, bass, keyboard and your drummer continues what Calum started and last but not least you are thinking where to sing it with high notes that it is your biggest characteristic.

All the people in the room are tired, your manager and part of your crew left early because they have meetings for some upcoming festivals to schedule. You let your band know that is the last effort of this week then you’ll be back again the next one rehearsing for an awards performance.

Calum now is in the other side of the glass next to the producer watching and listening all of this process of making this record. He is having fun and he realizes he could hear to your voice all night. It takes a lot of takes, to the final result of a song and Calum knows that perfectly.

You want to achieve the highest note of the song in the last chorus of the song in the last line. You should have record that first because it is getting hard for you to reach with a tired vocal cords after doing the rest of the song and the ad libs. You sigh frustrated at another failure of that last chorus.

“Y/N, should we call it a wrap for today?” your producer asks you softly. To be honest, you don’t want it after all of the work behind to finally get this song built.

“Excuse me” Calum says confident to the producer to take control of the speaker. “Y/N, listen to me, this is the last effort I know that ya’ can do this… You got this” he says looking at you directly in the eye. You nod and take a deep breath to try again and ‘he was right’ you thought to yourself when you freaking nailed it not just one high note, you reached it also the lines of the outro of the song.

Once you open your eyes when you keep singing with not that much power the last line. You laugh hiding your smile with the sleeve of your hoodie because the first thing you see is Calum stunned with his arms crossed on his chest and one hand full of rings lifted to cover his mouth. You start clapping to your band and say through your microphone ‘thank you’ to the rest of the people.

“Girl, you fuckin’ blew my mind” he says so excited mimicking what he said once you left the recording side of the room.

Minutes later everyone is saying goodbye to you and once again you thanked everyone for their job and energy as always and telling your producer to call you to edit the song other day. 

Now you are alone with Calum while you start packing your things. “Magic” you say looking at the clock with 15 minutes in your favor.

You use that time catching up on general things, like music, family, next awards, and a little bit of gossiping and of course asking about the rest of the boys.

“So happy for you guys, I can see that you are happy with this new era” you say after listening to Calum talking so passionate about what he and his band are doing. “I want to wait for the guys because I miss them. Do you think Michael is still in love with me?” you joke about it in a friendly way since Michael told you you were his crush, so he always reacts so excited and weird with you.

“No, he can’t react like he used to”. Calum laughs and you understood because you congratulated Michael on his engagement.

Minutes later, the boys and the rest of the crew arrived making noise with a lot of energy as always ready for a recording night but at the end they are always laying on the floor waiting for the team to call it a wrap.

“You gotta be kidding me!” Luke says running to hug you by lifting you because he is so tall and he missed you so much. You laugh and hold him tight. You say hi to the rest of the boys and you look at Calum next to you when you both noticed Michael is trying to act serious and cool around you when later he is going to ask Calum "Did Y/N said something about me?".

After a couple of minutes talking to the boys catching up about life, their crew called them to start the session so you have to say goodbye.

"Thanks again Cal, you saved my life today" you say goodbye to him with a kiss on the cheek and then the same with the rest. "K' guys bye, hope you have a good night".

You are stepping into your car when Calum calls you running behind you. "Y/N! before you leave, I lost all of my contacts when Ashton threw my phone into a pool…" you laugh at how they always been like that. "So if you can give me your number again if one day you want to hang out with me- with us".

You both exchange numbers and say goodbye.

+

Your producer laughs hearing that take where you stop singing and take a second to laugh at Calum’s face. “You want to put the laugh in the song too?”

https://www.instagram.com/p/B8EMIEPCF5y/

You don’t know if it was a joke or a serious question. You think for a minute at how frustrated you were that night with your team trying to build this song and thankfully Calum was there to help and give his opinion, also that laugh confirms how this song is not sad at all even when people were saying to you that it should be because of your breakup.

“Yeah” you answer and think about that little good time hanging out with Calum. You record a short video of that laugh that is going to be in the song, letting know your fans that you are in the studio pointing with your phone at the computer. 

Your stories on Instagram are always like a puzzle to your fans, like what does this means? what is this? when? where? new song? album? tour? collab? video?. Most of the times you add emojis, letters, or numbers that are meaningful to decipher the message and also to tease.

+

“Hello?... Calum? Can you hear me?” you say through the phone.

“Y/N? Hi! Yes, I can…” he answers leaving the room. “Sorry, I was so into playing my bass, we are writing a new song”.

“Oh sorry, if you are busy I can call you later-” you say softly and gentle.

“No no no. Ehmm, how are you? Tell me” he say surprised that you actually call him. He is giving you all of his attention listening to you.

“I’m fine and you? I’m calling you because we finished the song and I would like to know if you want to appear in the track info, cause’ ya’ know… you helped with the drums and other stuff” you wait for his answer, you are nervous of his response. Why? You have done this all the time with other collabs, ‘maybe because he is so intimidating but at the same time the cutest’ you think to yourself.

In the other side of the call, he is surprised and also he finds this so cute from you because he thinks that he barely contributed. “Ehhm, yes- I mean if you are okay with this I’m okay too”.

+

@MTV: Biggest return of Y/N!, who just announced a new single and a new collaboration TONIGHT!, a new album, and a performance for the VMAS. *internal screams*.

@MTV: Don’t forget to watch the VMAS this Sunday at 8 pm, amazing performances by Y/N, 5 Seconds Of Summer, Halsey, Rosalía, Bad Bunny, Doja Cat, Cashmere Cat and Missy Elliott winner of the Vanguard Award and more! with surprises of course, as always.

+

@y/n.updates: Genius.com has revealed the lyrics of the new singles! “everytime” and “quit”, the last one is from the dj Cashmere Cat’s album. We are so excited for our baby's return.

@bbcradio1: A friendship you didn’t know you needed until now… Calum Hood from 5sos appears in the track info of Y/N’s new single. Is Y/N going to appear in the upcoming 5sos album too? let’s pray to the universe.

+

“Of course last but not least to arrive the red carpet is the royalty in person, Y/N” the interviewer comments watching you posing to all of the cameras. “I am loving this moment. Y/N is here to slay the red carpet and taking pictures with every artist throwing kisses to friends like to 5sos, ugh lucky boys, now saying hi to Normani, we love that”.

“Yeah, I’m smelling big succes coming this year and Y/N totally deserves it” the other interviewer says. “Oh. My. Goddess… Can we take a moment to appreciate this outfit?!”. You arrive and say hi to everyone. After a couple of questions and compliments you are walking with your team to go backstage to change for your performance.

Once the Teen Wolf cast introduced your performance, everything went dark and silence and you appear in a large lavender satin dress, perfect to build up your figure and Cashmere Cat appears on a platform with his dj set and lights pointing at you and him.

“And you say that I'm the devil you know

And I don't disagree, no, I don't see the harm

They say, "You crazy, just leave him, he'll suffocate you"

But I wanna be in your arms

They say, "No, don't pick up the phone, let him think there's nobody home"

But I'm under your spell

'Cause when you call, my heart starts to roll

I always want more

It's my heaven, my hell…”

Then two contemporary dancers are next to you dancing at what the lyrics means to you when you recorded this with Cashmere Cat in the studio after your breakup. At the chorus a fake rain starts in the stage and you have your moment feeling amazing and feeling the beat that your dj friend was playing behind you. You participate too in the choreo while you sing the last part of the song. Singing to both dancers faces like if you are watching from outside when you decided to step out your relation. So each dancer goes to their own way representing the metaphor.

Then a new different beat went off for a little moment and you start singing a snippet of one of your new songs of your upcoming album hoping to make everyone clear how you are after your breakup because you still hear some comments about it.

“I got a bad idea, How 'bout we take a little bit of time away?

I got a bad idea

Forget about it, yeah, forget about him, yeah”.

The next thing you see is everyone standing up and clapping at you. You hug Cashmere Cat. “Thank you, please give it up for my friend Cashmere Cat!”

You stay not that much to the after party because tomorrow you have to get up early for a photoshoot.

+

You post videos behind the scenes and the photos of the photoshoot. You are in the front page and you did something original playing with makeup, hairstyles and clothes. Everyone is living for this new era.

“Ugh, are you going to do that call or should I do it for you?” Ashton interrupts Calum and his daydreaming watching your latest posts.

“What?” Calum answers confused wrinkling his nose and expressions.

“You heard me”. Ashton says letting know his friend that he is not stupid. “I noticed how you look at Y/N that night performing and then at the after party...And don’t excuse yourself because of the angelic voice because I know I was mesmerized too but you were on another level”.

Calum doesn’t add anything else and stands up to continue writing the new song but not without leaving a comment on one of your posts ‘gorg!’.

+

“Hello beautiful human, it is Y/N back in the studio!” Zach says through his microphone. Everyone clap and he greets you. Even the promo you have to do for your singles, albums and all that stuff you are so picky with the interviews you want to do because in the past you had a lot of uncomfortable ones with disrespectful questions and interviewers. It is not the case with Zach, you feel at home and he is your friend.

As always you talked about your new music, upcoming things, opinions about something, your personal life and you are so honest talking on Zach’s show because he always asks you about how are you doing because he knows that everyone struggles.

“So the whole tracklist it is on genius.com and I think that it is safe to say that I’m not the only one surprised with the collabs and people who helped you.” Zach says reading a paper checking the new revelation. “I would like to know details how it is to work with such talented artists and producers”.

You told him the details and including how Calum ended in your studio session that night.

“Thank God I recognized him because my bodyguard was ready to punch him” you make Zach laughs.

+

Calum saw your interview and after that he called you. He didn’t know what kind of confidence took him to invite you to hang out tomorrow.

That day you went with him and Ashton and Luke to the Star Wars theme park. The guys insisted that Calum must have gone alone that day but he was too nervous. Other day you and the guys went to bowling, Michael was losing all the fun because his new life as fiancé planning the wedding.

That’s how you got the chance to know more about them every single time you hang out. Paparazzis always were there and people talking about this cool friendship. But then Calum had the balls to ask you on a date. For your surprise he invited you to a The 1975 concert, then you invited him to a Post Malone concert, you went to the movies, then late nights stops at diners. And as the bond between you two was growing with so much love, affection, confidence, honesty and how safe you feel next to him you didn’t realize that you were holding his hand or arm so natural like it was a thing you two always do. That little thing was enough for people to start rumors. Calum likes you so much but he wanted to take things slow because of you and him after you told him everything about your ex and he did the same. His ex used him just for fame and to be in the public eye so with little details when you noticed he was doubting about his own self or anything else, you let him know that everything is okay.

+

One and a half month later, you are with him at your place in your home studio after you order vegan pizza for dinner that Calum was right that it is delicious. You were helping each other, mostly him with ideas of sets to perform Want You Back and Youngblood on tv shows. Then you showed him the final version of ‘everytime’ and he loves that you included the laugh in the song which reminds him of something. 

“I want to show you something” Calum says searching something on his phone gallery. 

“Found it” he says getting his chair closer to yours. It is a video that he secretly recorded of that day in the studio, when you finally hit the high notes of the song. In the video you can hear how he says ‘wow” multiple times and your producer is not surprised but still in awe. Then there is your laugh when you saw Calum’s face and when the song ends you can hear his ‘what the fu-” and the video ended.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B8O76_nC3Q5/

“Why you didn’t show me this before?” you say with giggles at how incredible you have the two sides of that moment.

“First, don’t worry because I’m never going to show this to anyone I know that I should ask you before and-” he is explaining himself.

“Can I kiss you?” you interrupts looking at him noticing a sparkly surprise on his eyes.

He leans so fast to kiss you, you take your moment to taste his lips after all this time you can confirm what you think about his lips. You break the kiss needing air. “You didn’t answer my question”. 

He laughs at your teasing while you bit your lip. “You’re right, I didn’t”. He holds your face within his hands and start kissing every part of your face while he says “Yes” in every little kiss.

Things got hot and heavy so you move the make out session to your room. Both of you don’t want that the other person feel pressure to do things but with you Calum forgot his “love is scam” thing. So he carries you and takes his time to make every moment, kiss, thrust and this night to last. He thinks that he is the only one that kinda feels strange at this amount with affection and intimacy but the truth is that you were feeling the same way, because with him you don’t feel a clingy or a needy person as you were in your last relationship. With Calum is different in a good way.

+

“So you didn’t come home last night” Ashton says to Calum when he arrived for lunch time, because he had breakfast twice today with you.

“Ew! I didn’t want to know that Cal” Ashton says while cutting vegetables for lunch. “Thank God you are together, it took you forever. To be honest, I thought Y/N was going to get bored of waiting”. 

+

Another night at your place when Calum surprised you with a romantic dinner and also apologizing for the other night when at his place Ashton interrupts you two.

In the middle of the night you woke up with an idea stuck in your head, you took your underwear and Calum’s baggy shirt he was wearing and before you stood up you melted at the sight of your dog sleeping closely to Calum, who at first hated him but now they look like besties.

After an hour in your studio with this new idea, you had the lyrics and already recording with a beat which two of your best friends made once in a party just fooling. The studio is soundproof and in another level of your house so the music is not going to wake up Calum, but the coldness he felt next to him makes him wonder the reason that woke you up.

And when he found where you are and what are you doing he reminds to himself that in this exact moment he feels so much love for you.

“That sounds beautiful babe” he said getting closer to you to kiss your cheek.

You are editing all focused this song to send it to your producer to do the final touches. “I didn’t want to wake you up” you lift your head to look at him with a pout and noticing he is shirtless and he looks tired from what you did hours earlier. He asked you details about this song called ‘goodnight n go’, he listened to it and once again all of his feelings manifest in a studio. “I love you” he confessed when the song ends. The feeling is mutual and the idea of this song came up all based in your relation you have with him.

+

@Y/N: new album. valentine’s day. love y’all xoxo. 

You posted with the cover of your new album.

+

“There is a lot of people downstairs” your manager said arriving the room, you were waiting for your manager for the first toast of the night. It is your album’s launch party and you want to celebrate with your team, your band and their loved ones. Your family, your friends, artists of the industry, and other famous people.

You made a speech about how grateful you are for everyone in the room for their patience, for the love and support for you and this new project. Before you start to get emotional, you said to everyone to have fun tonight and you thanked again.��

You rented a whole club for the night. After eating, cut the cake and having a few glasses of champagne you are ready to take pictures in the photo booth with everyone.

Your close loved ones of course know about you and Cal, but the other half of the people in the room just know the rumors and the pictures from paparazzis and fans. When you were taking funny pictures with other musicians, it is iconic that in the photo is going to appear artist from different genres of music that are your friends. Calum really wants a picture with you and just you even when he loved the ones with the boys and your friends.

“I’m ready” Calum said to you when you are pointing at the printed photo because Luke’s gold eyeshadow looks freaking amazing.

“Ready for what?” you looked at him confused.

“Ready to announce the world that we are together” he said biting his lower lip waiting for your reaction. He told you a few weeks before that he was afraid and he didn’t know how to handle at that moment if you said you were together, so you told him that it is okay and understood him.

“Like now?! What you have in mind?” you asked him nervous because you both know what comes next with this kind of announcements. 

Calum just took your hand and enter just with you inside the photo booth and when the countdown started he looks at you with a smirk and sparkly eyes. “This is my plan” and he kissed you on the lips at the same time the machine announced the picture was taken.

“We have two more! What do we do?” he asked you, but now that you are here you use right the last two pictures. One kissing him in the cheek and hugging him around his neck that Calum did that thing with his eyes and the biggest smile on his face because he is so happy and also the alcohol. And the last one looks a little bit blurry and funny.

You took the opportunity to take another three but this time, now that everyone is going to know about your relation, the pictures are sexier but not vulgar. Of course your photographer took film pictures during the night so you will have several memories of the night.

You and Calum posted the three first ones on your social media.

@Y/N: my love💖.

@calumhood: happiest man in the universe. february 14th is not bad at all anymore with you by my side💛.

That night before you arrived home with Calum, he told you about a new 5sos music video called Valentine that was going to be on Youtube in 30 minutes, he told you that he wrote almost the entire song and you can’t wait to hear and see him singing this song, especially his verse.

We know we're classic together like Egyptian gold

We love us

+

The success of your new album was immediately. And that means a lot of interviews, invitations to tv shows, radio stations, youtube channels, etc. Calum went and waited for you backstage to the ones that were in US. But the international ones he couldn’t come with you because their new album is going to release soon and new music videos by 5sos.

“I’m so happy to be back!” you said. Today is BBC radio 1 turn. They told you they were happy to have you in the radio.

After you sang a song from the new album, you have to do a cover. In the past you did ‘Them Changes’ by Thundercat and ‘After The Storm’ by Kali Uchis taking advantage of your voice and the high notes you can reach, it is the same this time.

“Hi, this is Get You by my friends Daniel Caesar and Kali Uchis” you said. The last part is your favorite.

This feels like summer

Boy you make me feel so alive

Just be my lover

Boy you'll lead me to paradise

+

Youngblood is out and the release party wasn’t bigger like yours but the fun was the same. You appeared on the Cocktail Chats they did when it was Valentine’s turn. Now after two months your relation went public, the euphoria coming from the people decreased.

+

@Y/N: something huge in two hours with a special guest.

You posted on your stories with a sneak peek.

@ctrlnow: Y/N’s world tour with Kehlani as special guest. Next week tickets on sale. Are you excited? because this is going to be 🔥. It is the first time Y/N is going to perform in all the continents in almost two years.

+

@5sos: US, Canada and Mexico get ready for this tour. Special guest our buddy Dominic Fike. Tickets on sale in 6 days.

+

After 4 months of rehearsals and planning visuals, outfits, makeup, sets, tracklist, etc. You are on the road with the first leg of the tour in US for the whole summer in arenas and festivals. You are synchronized with Calum so you have no problem to hang out together and enjoy to the fullest your days off. 

Both of you don’t get tired of each other concerts. Watching Calum leaving his heart on stage singing and playing his bass, also looking so freaking handsome every single show. For him is the same watching your amazing show with your dancers and different outfits, he said it before and in the present day that he can listen to you singing the whole day and he envies you how charming you are with your fans and noticing every person in the huge arena.

You have a main stage, then a circular runway and a B stage. Calum is always in the first row in front of the B stage. The first show you were so nervous. The beginning of ‘goodnight n go’ started and the crowd went crazy. 

“It seems that you really like this one” you said teasing even more. You started dancing and walking next to where Calum is. Your dancers interact with the audience while you are reaching the high notes. 

We'll have drinks and talk about things

And any excuse to stay awake with you

And you'd sleep here, I'd sleep there

But then the heating may be down again

(At my convenience)

We'd be good, we'd be great together

https://www.instagram.com/p/B577uVJnJ6f/ 

When you looked down, there is your boyfriend looking at you like nobody else did before. You laughed at his reaction because it was priceless and before you keep moving you blow him a kiss. So as the same his reaction was that first time in the studio with ‘everytime’ that made you laugh, now it is with the song that he inspired. He does that in every show he goes, every time you sing ‘goodnight n go’. It is now your amulet that he makes you laugh in the same part with his faces and reactions. But not everything is perfect.

+

The different time zones, the distance and the stress is clouding Calum’s mind. In two weeks you have barely spoken ten minutes. And new things keep coming to you like singing to fashion shows, summer festivals in other continents, hosting tv shows, etc. His friends told him that he will get used to and things will be okay within you two. But he misses you so much and he is doubting about himself again in this thing called love.

“I think it is the best Y/N” he said through his phone. He called you that night, he is so overwhelmed and tired. “I don’t want to be an obstacle, this is your career’s biggest time” he tries not to cry while he passed his hand through his hair all nervous.

“Calum please tell me you are not joking” he can hear your sobs in the other side of the line. You are in France and he is in Canada.

“Y/N just look at what time you are calling me! It is 4 am here where I am!” he said frustrated, it is not the first fight but it is the first time he yells at you that loud.

“Okay I’m sorry! It is late here too Calum in New Zealand- my point is that we will be okay Calum. After this I’m going to be home like you” you tried to calm him.

“And then what? Run to film a tv show for a whole week? Just seeing you at nights? We should take a break while we figured it out” he said and you are frozen trying to check if what he said is real.

“You are the only one who needs to figured it out, because I’m sure about us and… How could you even wonder and said that you are an obstacle?”. Now it is the opposite because the last thing you said was “Okay, if it is what you want. Go to sleep n’ goodnight”.

+

You don’t know how people could know. But rumors of your relationship are in every social media and it is just been a day. You want to throw your phone but you have to get ready for your show in Australia, what an ironic thing.

It is not the same hype when the beginning of ‘goodnight n go’ started. When you are singing the bridge that you were used to laugh thanks to Calum’s reactions. Now your voice breaks and hide your face with your hand and the other one holding your microphone so the public keep singing because you can’t. Your dancers changed the choreo to get close to you and let you know that they are there for you but still you start singing again in the next chorus but with a shaky voice. With this people confirms the rumors.

@enews: Our favorite couple is not longer a thing. With this we don’t believe in love. Y/N and Calum Hood are taking a break. Days before the couple had some troubles in tour. Y/N broke in tears and Calum didn’t go to any interview. Link of the video of Y/N last show in the bio.

+

“I supposed that you already saw this” Luke said giving his phone to Calum to show a video someone posted on Instagram. It is from your last night show.

“Yeah, I saw it” he said without making eye contact with his friend. Calum doesn’t want to talk about it. He is trying to convince himself that what he did is the best. It breaks his heart watching the video that now it is everywhere and his bandmates noticed how irritated he is with everything.

+

For a whole week Calum barely sleep two hours at nights. He looked off in the shows. He cries during his part in ‘Ghost Of You’, he sings spiritless in ‘Valentine’ and he asked to take off ‘Babylon’ from the tracklist. 

5sos have new dates in another continents after December holidays.

“You should talk to Y/N, the Asia leg is going to be over in ten days and after the holidays the South America leg starts” Michael gave his advice to Calum but once again he didn’t give any answer.

+

You took ‘goodnight n go’ and ‘everytime’ off from the tracklist and changed it for another song because you tried a couple of shows after but you couldn’t do it like it used to be singing that song. Your fans were sad because it is their favorite song but you don’t want to cry every single show. 

You have been in touch with Calum but not much. Just good morning and good night messages and that you are safe in the city you two are in that moment.

+

“Hello Mexico City!” Luke said on stage. “Welcome to the Meet You There tour, thanks for having us tonight, let’s have some fun!”

The whole night Calum were late and off key with his voice and bass that multiple times Ashton tried to follow him with the drums. Calum is thinking and worried about you when he saw earlier that you cancelled your shows in Korea because you got a cold that you have to rest your voice. He just wants to talk to you.

When the show ended, Calum throws his bass hard against the floor without caring a thing. After that he went directly to bed, without taking a shower, or eat something. It is been like this for weeks and everyone knows that what he decided was so stupid, but with hope that he learns the lesson.

“Can you explain us what was that?” Ashton said taking off Calum’s hands his phone. “Dude this is getting out of control, and we gave you your space and everything but now you are going to admit that what you did was wrong and the only thing you want is your relationship back”.

“Go away” Calum said.

“No, Hood. You are barely sleeping, eating, focused, happy. This is how relationships work, and we know that it is crazy as fuck when you are famous”.

“Yeah man, it wasn’t easy for me and my girlfriend” Michael said. “And now we are going to get married...Look, if it is meant to be and if you really love Y/N, you should fix this”.

+

You are back in LA for holidays and tonight you have the last show of the year because the second date of LA you had to cancel it because an allergy you had so you reschedule the show.

You are in the car on your way to the arena when your manager told you to stop by the studio because the new visual that you asked for is ready. It is a recap of this year, so your fans are going to see a couple of unreleased videos and pictures of behind the scenes of this whole year including everything and every person in your life.

In the studio you saw the new visual and you noticed that they didn’t put Calum on it. You love him and even when you are on a break, you wanted him in the visual too.

“Hmm I can explain it” your crew member said when another video randomly start in the screen of the computer.

“A mini film by Andy Deluca” you read in the title. The video shows the different reactions of Calum in every ‘goodnight n go’ performance. not just the tour, it also shows the reactions from his house listening to the song, or watching you performing the song on a show. It is a funny video but at the same time so cute and emotional because his reactions are different in every take. Calum screamed “YAAAAS!” or “I LOVE YOU BABY!”, surprised faces, funny faces, lip-synching, etc. And when Andy pointed the camera at you and you hid your laugh with your hand or sleeve, depends on the outfit. Calum says directly to the camera “Y/N should stop doing that, I’m going to say it later because Y/N’s laugh and smile are gorgeous… Okay this is my favorite song, enjoy it”. And the video ends.

“Wow, this is freaking cool but how did you-?” you asked your team when Calum appears from nowhere that scares you.

“I send it to your manager” he said. “I asked Andy to do this video because as always since the start of our relation I wanted to keep these memories”. When you didn’t say anything, he continues. “Y/N I know that I fucked up everything and-” he is interrupted by your manager telling your team to leave you two alone. Once alone with Calum in the room he continues again. “I got scared, I had never had a real relationship, this connection and what I feel for you before...I’m sorry”.

After a couple of minutes talking and giving your point of view that he didn’t let you give months earlier, you said “I love you, but please talk to me because the solution is not running every time things get complicated” and you hug him. He tried to kiss you but you said that he has to win your heart again.

+

“Hello LA! Hope you enjoy this surprise, happy holidays” and the new visuals and videos start playing in the big screen and everyone is laughing, getting emotional, while you drink water backstage you can hear the “awww cute”. And last but not least Calum’s video is playing and you are ready for the next song. Everyone screamed and are happy for you to be with him again. So when in the video Calum says ‘Okay this is my favorite song, enjoy it’, the beginning of ‘goodnight n go’ started.

Tell me why you gotta look at me that way

You know what it does to me

So baby, what you tryna say? Ayy

Lately, all I want is you on top of me

You know where your hands should be

So baby, won't you come show me? Mmm

“For this next song I would like to call Mister Calum Thomas Hood” you said looking at him. He didn’t know about this. You sat him in a chair and say on his ear “A little tease never hurt nobody babe”. Now talking to the audience, “Let’s go!” and the beat of ‘break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored’ went off. Calum is fighting and struggling when you are dancing in front and on top of him.

+

It’s been 3 years since Calum entered your room. He is so glad that he interrupted your studio session. And here he is now, watching you performing ‘goodnight n go’ like if it was the first time he heard you that night in your home studio, the feeling and the amount of love to you is the same and even bigger he would say, it just changes the place where you are singing this song. Now you don’t hide your laugh with your sleeve, and Calum always says how he feels and trusts in your relationship.

[butterflyinthewell]

Dad took some steps today. He needed the therapist right there because he was so off balance that he would’ve fallen without support along with his walker. One of his feet is curling sideways and inward because he hasn’t been putting weight on his feet. That will be a problem and he may need a brace to straighten that out. It’s related to the whole “don’t use it and you lose it” aspect of Parkinson’s disease, and I was afraid of this.

I hope he gets to walk again as much as he could before because he will be stuck in one room for the rest of his life if he doesn’t. I think that’s the one incentive that makes him want to get back on his feet. My fear is he will then proceed to get up at night like he was doing when he got hurt in the first place. He still keeps mom awake till 3 and 4am because she’s a people pleaser who will give until she’s dead. Black hole people like my dad love finding bleeding hearts like my mom.

I’ve told mom to just put her foot down and go to bed, but I stayed up once to see what really happens. Dad whines and complains if mom says she’s going to bed. Suddenly he will want to be put on his bedside commode (which takes forever and then you wait for him to go and heave him back into bed), or he will want a sandwich or just anything that makes mom have to be busy on his behalf until she’s wide awake again when she was sleepy enough for bed before.

Just...AUGH...every good thing always comes with shit right behind it.

I think I’m going to ask my counselor or psychiatrist if there’s a way to screen for ptsd. My mental health is in the toilet and I’m having bizarre dreams and nightmares several times a week. My sleep is disrupted now, and that’s never been a thing for me. I’m constantly hyper vigilant. I’m having anger outbursts and the kinds of thoughts that intrude upon my mind are horrible.

If something happens to mom, I am helpless in all the issues that matter. Food, I can figure out, but I’m worse than useless for everything else. I cannot move dad to his commode or wheelchair, and he needs some support to move onto them. I’m too small, he outweighs me by over 100 pounds.

Most of my bad dreams are things happening to my mom, or there’s word that something happened and I can’t get any info on if she’s okay or not. Another kind I have is I’ve contracted COVID, or someone who comes in to see us has it and spreads it, and I’m the only survivor. Other dreams are the body horror type where I amputate my own body parts with a saw and hand them to people because I feel useless. I had one recently where I literally ran up to Hannibal Lecter with a knife and fork and told him to eat me, but he took the silverware away and wouldn’t do it because “no, you’re not rude.” I said I was, but he wouldn’t do it. I was so angry! I was angry about that dream all day!

I don’t believe I deserve anything good and I don’t see myself as a good person. I don’t deserve help.

I’m scared a lot. Just...I can be sitting here watching a cute kitten video on YouTube or eating dinner and get hit with a wave of fear.

None of this is how my mind usually works. I’ve never been in mortal danger(recently), but I’ve had my routines and life disrupted to such severe degrees that I feel like I’ve lost control of my life, and to me that’s almost the same thing as dying. I’m autistic, and autistic people are more prone to trauma from ‘mundane’ things that a neurotypical person wouldn’t flinch at.

I’m just worried the “not life-threatening” aspect will immediately disqualify a diagnosis.

In June 2019, I went into burnout after home health visits for dad threw all my routines away and they’re still getting destroyed by it because they can’t keep a consistent fucking routine.

July that year was my dad getting his DBS batteries replaced. It was sensory hell because I got my period the day of the surgery and spent the whole time nauseated and cramping, but being silent about it...only to get called selfish and horrible for mentioning how bad I felt after we were all home again. (Outpatient surgery)

September 2019, mom’s gallbladder almost blew up and she was rushed to the hospital. I was alone with dad, without warning, and had to function using emergency reserves that I didn’t have because I was in burnout. I ran around terrified that any mistake I made would get me screamed at by both my dad and sister. Mom was out of the house from Friday to Tuesday. Dad did nothing but demand and demand from me and yelled at me for melting down. I was almost out of meds and for awhile didn’t know if or when I would get them. I had to grocery shop with sister’s help and she kept getting upset at me for arranging the cart like mom did, and I ended up forgetting things I needed even though I had a list right in front of my face the whole time. I was that out of it.

An aid had to come bathe dad because mom couldn’t do it for at least six weeks. That happened whenever someone could come, so dinner, my showers and mom’s ability to do things were disrupted by waiting for the call that the aid was coming. Coverage only lasted six weeks and then the help was yanked the second mom was declared fit to lift more than 5 pounds again.

October 2019, our car died and so routines got thrown further out of whack because mom and I had to depend on friends and family for rides to grocery shop or go to church. Trips stopped being at a set time and turned into “whenever someone can drive you” so I was uprooted from my day with little warning, and we didn’t get a new car until early December.

December 2019: We Christmas shopped late because of the car bullshit, mom barely got the cookies baked in time, and it was just a super stressful Christmas season.

I struggled through the death anniversary of my dog because that year he was gone as many years as he had lived and I spent most of it in a disassociated state.

Then mom had her bowel obstruction the day after Christmas and was in the hospital from Friday to Sunday. Yet again she was gone and the routine was blown apart without warning. My sister gave me shit the first time I wore my new ear defenders to the grocery store. Dad did nothing but demand and demand from me when I had nothing. I ruined a dinner that I didn’t know how to cook and went hungry but made him eat leftover ham from Christmas.

January 2020, the COVID shit started on the news.

March 2020, I went to the grocery store with mom and shelves were empty like a nuclear war was coming. I was terrified that I would catch COVID and kill my parents by passing it to them. Church closed. Stores opened for senior hours at butthole o’clock in the morning. Weekend routines were destroyed. Choir practices stopped. More routine disruptions.

August 2020, I started having anniversary distress related to what happened to mom the year before.

Then dad fell and broke his hip. I still clear as day see him in his blue shirt, sitting on the stair chair, being pulled backwards out the front door by paramedics with the ambulance lights flashing red and blue under the midnight sky and white street light.

Late September, as I’m struggling a bit with the anniversary of what happened to mom, worrying about dad getting COVID and beginning to relax because “dad is going to be away till he can walk again...” there comes that phone call from shithole New Orange Hills saying they’re sending him home and we find out they lied to us about every promise they made.

October 2020, dad was brought home and now he’s laying in an electric bed in the family room where mom can hear him if he needs her.

Writing that down has me realizing I’ve been experiencing almost continuous upheavals to my routines. Routines give me a sense of safety, and every time things settle something else throws it all to shit again.

So either I have ptsd or I’m possibly developing it, and I’m scared because this seems so ridiculous compared to the reasons other people get it.